Night at the Museum (2006) Movie Script

Hey, watch it.
Oh, come on.
Hey, Mike!
-Hey, Larry.
-How you doing?
Have you seen Nicky?
I'm pretty sure he went with Erica.
It was half day today.
Parent Career Day.
-Hey. Come on in.
-You all right?
-Yeah, yeah.
Why didn't anybody tell me
it was Career Day?
What do you mean?
Nicky said he was gonna tell you.
Oh, okay, I guess he forgot.
There he is. How are you, Larry?
Good. How are you doing, Don?
Can you believe this weather?
Chilly, right? Chilly, chilly,
Chilly Willy the penguin.
Leave me alone. Hey, why don't I go tell
the little corncob you're here.
Great. Great, that's great. Yeah, thanks.
Wow, your fiance really manages
to squeeze a lot onto that belt.
-Stop it.
What? No, it's like he's...
...the Batman of stockbrokers.
-Bond trader.
-Bond trader. Sorry.
Hey, how's it going with that virtual-reality
driving range that you wanted to open?
Getting there, still waiting for
the technology to catch up.
It's not easy,
there are a lot of moving parts.
Hey, do you think Nick
would like Queens?
Oh, no, Larry. You didn't get evicted again,
did you?
I didn't...
...get evicted. I didn't get evicted, no.
I mean, I didn't....
-No, I didn't get evicted yet. It's like--
-Larry, listen to me.
I don't know how much more
Nicky can take.
Every couple months, it's a new career,
a new apartment.
If it wasn't for Nicky, I wouldn't
say anything, I would stay out of it.
It's just, it's too much instability.
It's not good for him.
I'm trying to figure things out
right now, okay?
You know...
...I don't think that Nicky
should stay with you.
-Just until you get really settled.
Hey, Dad.
-Hey, ready to carve it up?
All right, good!
Take it, Nicky! Break away!
-What are you doing?
-Hey, Nicky! Are you all right?
-You okay?
-I'm fine. Would you get off the ice?
Listen. Their left defenseman
is a very weak skater.
So you go left side, you got
a clear shot at the goal. Okay?
-Cool, thanks.
-All right, man.
We're good here. We're good.
All right. As you were, skaters.
Game on!
I'm good.
I'm telling you,
you tore it up out there today.
Thinking the NHL is a serious possibility.
I don't really wanna be
a hockey player anymore.
-All right. What do you wanna be?
-A bond trader.
A bond trader?
Yeah, it's what Don does.
He took me to his office last week.
That's cool.
So you wanna dress up
in a monkey suit and tie every day?
Like an automaton robot?
Trust me, you can't play hockey
in a cubicle. Kind of awkward.
Well, he's got a pretty big office.
That's not the point.
Come on, you love hockey.
I still like it,
but bond trading's my fallback.
Your fallback?
Wait a minute. You're too young
to have a fallback, okay?
And also, where did you ever
even hear that word?
Mom was talking to Don
about all your different schemes.
She called them schemes?
She said it was time
you found a fallback.
Are you really moving again?
I don't know. We'll see. I mean...
...there's some pretty cool places
out in Queens.
Hey, Nicky, look at me.
Look at me, man.
I wanna tell you something.
I know that things have been kind of
up and down for me lately...
...and that's been hard for you.
But I really feel like my moment's coming
and when it does...
...everything's just gonna come together,
you know?
What if you're wrong...
...and you're just an ordinary guy
who should get a job?
All right, well....
You know what,
we'll figure it out, okay?
All right? Come on,
let's get you back to Mom's.
Mr. Daley, I can honestly say,
in 43 years at this agency...
...I've never seen a resume
quite like yours.
All right.
That wasn't a compliment.
It says here you were the CEO...
...of Snaptime lndustries.
Care to elaborate on that?
Sure. Well, that was the umbrella
corporation for my invention, the Snapper.
You know, you snap, the lights come on.
Snap, they come off.
Didn't they already make that?
No, no, that's the Clapper,
which, obviously...
...stole a bit of our thunder.
Personally, I don't really see
what the big difference is, I mean:
You know, whatever, but...
...apparently there is a significant portion
of the population that has trouble actually...
-Clapping's easier.
I can't help you.
Can I call you Debbie? Because...
...I felt a connection
when I entered this office...
...and I don't know,
I feel like you did too.
I didn't feel a connection.
I need a job tomorrow, okay?
If I don't have one....
Well, I just need it, okay?
Well, I don't know.
I might have one thing.
They've turned down everyone
I've sent over there, but--
--who knows?
You might get lucky.
-Excuse me. Hi.
I'm Larry Daley. I've got a job interview
with Cecil Fredricks.
-Right. He should still be in his office.
-I'm Rebecca Hutman. I'm a docent here.
-Let me point you in the right direction.
Teddy Roosevelt, right?
-Yes, a great visionary.
-Yes, definitely.
He was our 4th president, right?
Please don't touch the exhibits!
I mean....
Miss Hutman.
I cannot tolerate this type of chaos.
I mean, this is a museum, not a....
Do you know what "museum" means?
It doesn't mean,
"Daddy, it's a big Tyrannosaurus thing.
Can I touch its leg? " No!
Work it out, please.
-Will do, sir.
-Thank you.
Dr. McPhee, the museum director.
Seems like a fun guy.
Control your young, please. Can we?
Hello? Just kidding.
Hi. I'm Larry Daley.
Are you Mr. Fredricks?
Mr. Fredricks was my father.
I am Cecil. Good to meet you, Larry.
Nice firm handshake.
I like that. Tells a lot about a man.
Come on in.
Let's talk turkey here.
The museum is losing money,
hand over fist.
I guess kids today don't care about
wax figures or stuffed animals.
So they're downsizing,
which is code for firing...
...myself and the other two night guards.
They want to replace us
with one new guard.
-Oh, sorry.
-Well, what are you gonna do?
I'd like you to meet
my two colleagues here.
Reginald? Gus?
Where is he? I'll beat him with my fist!
Gus, this is Larry Daley, the kid who
wants to be the new night guard.
Night guard?
No, the lady at the agency said
this was a museum position.
Most important position
in the museum, Larry.
He looks like a weirdie.
Wonderful guard, terrible people skills.
Now, listen, lunch box.
Don't try anything funny.
I once went nine rounds
with John L. Sullivan.
You never fought John L. Sullivan
in your life.
Gentlemen, we have
a job candidate here.
He's got an excellent resume,
a winning attitude...
...and I say let's give him a shot.
What do you say?
Hang on a sec. I think I might wanna
have a little time just to think it over.
Do you want the job or not, snack shack?
-No, no, I want the job--
-Welcome to the night guards, Larry.
Larry, meet me up on the second floor.
I'll slip into my orthopedics and
give you a little tour. Arthritic knees.
Not fun getting old, my friend. Go on.
You really think he's the one?
Oh, yes.
He's the one.
Gotta keep it moving, Larry.
I'm pretty spry for an old man.
This is the Diorama Room.
Oh, yeah.
I remember these little guys. Cute.
Hey, Cecil!
-Did I get you good?
You got me.
Seriously, though, no fooling around
in here. This stuff is really old.
All right, then. As you can see,
it's pretty quiet in here these days.
On the left there is your Attila the Hun.
And here we have our Easter lsland head.
Hey, Cecil.
And this, of course,
is the Hall of African Mammals.
Ah, yes.
Monkeys. I love monkeys.
-Guy's cute.
Yeah, we call him Dexter.
He's quite a little...
...ball of fun, aren't you, Dexter?
Moving on.
And, finally, this is the temple
of the Pharaoh Ahkmenrah.
And in that tomb right down there,
the pharaoh himself.
And hanging on the wall behind him...
...was his most prized possession,
the Tablet of Ahkmenrah.
Twenty-four-carat gold.
It's worth a fortune.
Very cool.
It is indeed, Larry.
Very cool.
All right. Report here at 5 tomorrow.
We'll walk you through your duties.
Okay, 5. I'll be here.
Moving on.
Hey, it's me. So I got a job.
Larry, that's great. What is it?
It's a job... the Museum of Natural History.
Yeah, so you can tell Nicky
that we won't be moving.
Larry, this is good news.
Yeah, no, definitely.
So I'll see you tomorrow?
-Okay, bye.
Your keys. Your torch.
-You'll wanna strap those to your belt.
It can get a little spooky
around here at night... you might wanna
put a few lights on.
All right, flashlight, keys.
What am I for--?
The instruction manual.
You start with one, two, three....
Are you cracking wise?
I ought to punch you
in the nose, hopscotch.
Leave him alone, Gus.
You got it covered, right, Larry?
Yeah, yeah, I got it.
-You better get it!
Larry, do them in order,
do them all and do them quick.
And the most important thing of all
to remember: Don't let anything in or out.
Good luck, son.
-Night, Gus.
-Young buck. Cracking wise.
Moving on.
I am Larry.
Check! Larry! Larry.
Monday! Monday! Monday!
Monster Truck Rally.
Okay, very funny, Cecil!
What is this, like a
David Copperfield thing?
This is weird.
Come on. Revolve. Revolve!
-Name, please?
-One moment. Connecting.
-Cecil! It's Larry Daley!
Larry. Yes, how can I help you?
The dinosaur-- The dinosaur is alive!
I'm having a little trouble
hearing you, friend.
The dinosaur's alive!
What do I do?
Tell me what to do!
Read the instructions.
It explains everything.
Okay, I got them!
-I'll see you tomorrow.
-Wait! What--?
What bone?
Play fetch?
No way.
-You give me gum-gum.
-I give you gum-gum?
You new dum-dum.
You give me gum-gum.
Okay, you know what?
I have no gum-gum. Sorry.
And my name isn't dum-dum,
my name's Larry.
No, your name dum-dum.
Oh, you in trouble, dum-dum.
You'd better run-run
from Attila the Hun-Hun.
See you later, dum-dum.
What is happening?
How you doing?
Are you...?
You're "Sakagawaya"?
Oh, Sakagawea. You're Sakagawea?
The glass. I can't...
...hear you.
You can't...? You can't hear me?
Excuse me.
"Who assisted the Lewis and Clark--"
Right, so that's Lewis and Clark
and you're.... Right.
You seem-- I'm Larry.
What's going on? What's--?
Do you know what's going on here?
Huns. I gotta--
Hey. Hi.
Tin Man. Hey. Hi. How you doing?
I'm new. It says I'm supposed to
lock up the lions or they'll eat me.
You're Galileo? No?
Hey, I'm the....
Hi. I'm the new guy
and I'm just locking up, so....
If it's cool with you
I'm just gonna get my paperwork...
...and be out of your hair, okay?
"Double-check your belt.
The monkey probably stole your keys."
Hey. Hey there. Hi.
What's your name? Your name is....
No, no, no. Come back. Come back.
Dewey? Is that your name, Dewey?
No, no, no. What's--? Dewey?
Dexter? Dexter. Dexter, right?
Hey, Dexter,
you wanna give me those keys?
I just want to lock up.
Yes. Oh, good. Come to Papa.
Oh, thank you. Can I have those keys?
Oh, good. What a good boy.
That's okay. Oh, thank you.
Oh, no, no, no. It's okay.
Thank you very, very much.
Bad monkey. Stop that.
That's not right. Are you done?
Do you have an issue with me?
Do you have an issue with me?
Because if I have a problem with somebody,
I don't pee on them, okay?
And also-- Let me tell you something.
These keys?
Hey. Dexter, that's not funny.
Give it back.
Dexter. Give--
Don't. I know what you're thinking.
Don't do it. Not a good idea.
Not-- Dexter, I need those.
Don't encourage him. You think
you're funny for your friends, huh?
You three guys-- What, he's the ringleader,
you're the audience?
Yeah, no. Don't do it, okay?
Lookit-- You!
Oh, this is not happening.
Oh, man.
What are you guys doing?
I can't feel my lip.
Oh, shit.
Hey. Hey.
Hey, stop that.
Hog-tie him, boys.
-Get him, that big old Bocephus of a man.
-Hey, what are you doing?
Cinch him up good.
You ain't so big now, are you?
Hey. Hey, stop that.
Every night, year after year... of you guards
locks us up in these boxes.
Well, I hereby say, sir, enough!
Fire up the iron horse, boys.
-Hey, blondie?
-Name's Jedediah.
All right, Jedediah. Stop the train, please.
-That's a big no-can-do, Cracker Jack.
-What's going on here, huh?
-Somebody's gotta pay.
-Pay for what?
I don't know. Just pay. Now, stop whining
and just take it like a man.
Seriously, stop the train.
-All right, stop the train.
-Thank you.
Now full speed ahead and ram him!
Split his head like a watermelon!
For crying out loud.
All right, that's enough.
We got a breach.
I got him. I got him. I got him, guys.
I got him--
-Oh, my....
-Prepare the catapults.
Octavius, hold on. This ain't your fight.
This here giant's on our land.
Hey, little guy. Jed? Yeah.
Sorry, look. I just-- I'm not a giant.
I'm just an average-sized--
Don't talk down to me.
I'm not a giant, guys. All right?
You guys are really little.
We may be small,
but our hearts are large...
...metaphorically speaking.
Don't take that wrong.
I'm saying you're miniatures.
Silence! The Roman Empire
knows no boundaries.
-Don't you do it, son.
-Do what?
-Don't do what?
-Unleash hell!
Climb aboard, boy.
Take the hand, son.
That's right. You better run, boy.
You hear Jedediah?
That mustachioed horseman ain't always
gonna be there to protect you, you hear me?
-Thank you.
-Not at all.
Theodore Roosevelt,
...of these United States of America
at your service.
Okay. I'm Larry Daley,
the new night guard.
Pleasure to me you, Lawrence Daley.
You'll have to excuse me, though.
The hunt is afoot.
Hunt's afoot.
Excuse me, Mr. President.
Could I ask you something?
-Yes, but just one question.
-All right.
Okay, why? Is it just some, like,
three-wishes kind of deal, or--?
Not at all. Self-reliance
is the key to a vigorous life.
A man must look inward to find
his own answers. How can I be of help?
I don't really know how to put this,
and please don't take it the wrong way...
...but isn't everything in this museum
supposed to be, you know...
-Follow me.
Yell all you want, pharaoh.
You've been in there 54 years.
You're not getting out tonight.
There's the source of all this commotion.
The Tablet of Ahkmenrah.
Arrived here in 1952
from the Nile expedition.
On that night,
everything in this museum came to life.
And every night since.
So everything in the museum
comes to life every night?
And I'm supposed to do what?
You're the night watchman, Lawrence.
A venerable position in this institution.
-Come on, lad.
-All right. Okay. This is impossible.
Nothing's impossible.
If it can be dreamed, it can be done.
Hence the 20-foot jackal staring at you.
Don't make eye contact.
Your job is to make sure that everyone
stays inside the museum...
...because if the sun rises
and anyone's on the outside...
...we turn to dust.
-You turn to dust?
Now, it's almost dawn.
I shall help you restore order tonight.
But mark my words, it's the last time
I shall ever do so. Is that clear?
Yeah. I mean-- I mean, I guess. I don't....
Stop babbling, boy! Yes or no?
Let's ride.
All right. So the Hall of Reptiles is secure.
What are you looking at?
I'm tracking, dear boy.
Man's got to track.
Welcome to the family, Lawrence.
See you tomorrow night.
Actually, I gotta be honest.
I don't think I'm coming back.
What? You've only just begun.
Yeah, well, this is not exactly what l--
What did you do
before you took this post?
Well, I've done a lot of different things.
I invented this thing called the Snapper.
Did you give up on that as well?
No, I just hit a few roadblocks.
You might have heard of The Clapper?
-Yes, sir?
Some men are born great.
Others have greatness thrust upon them.
For you, this is that very moment.
Bully. Got you, boy.
Yeah. You got me.
Say hello to your little friend.
-What are you doing?
-Put me down.
I don't like to be manhandled.
-Just calm down, Jed.
-lt doesn't feel good.
-lt makes me feel small and powerless.
-You done?
I'm gonna shoot you in your dang eye.
In your dadgum eye.
Yeah, keep shooting.
Nothing's gonna happen.
Now you know my shame.
Jedediah's impotent rage.
His guns don't fire. Take me away.
This ain't over.
You ain't seen the last of me.
I don't wanna hear it, okay?
The bigger they are, the harder they fall.
This is not worth 1 1.50 an hour.
Look, the giant's scared.
There's a bigger giant running around.
Oh, don't do that.
We're too old for surprises.
Really? I thought you liked surprises.
Like how you surprised me...
...with the fact everything in
the museum comes to life at night.
That little sweetheart.
We wanted to tell you.
You never would have believed us.
-You have any idea what I've been through?
-You have any idea what I've been through?
-Keep a lid on it, butterscotch.
I don't know if what happened last night
was real, but I didn't sign up for this.
I just need a regular job that
is not life-threatening and pays my bills.
So thank you very much
and I left my uniform in the office...
-...and I will be seeing you.
Hey, buddy.
What are you guys doing here?
Oh, Erica had to be in court early,
so I'm taking Mr. Big Stuff here to school.
But he wanted to swing by,
see you in the new job.
It's so awesome
that you're working here.
Hey, Niko, you wanna take
a little look-a-doo inside?
Maybe your dad will give you a VlP tour.
You know what?
We're pretty slammed this morning.
Yeah, but Nicky, I promise,
I'll show you around soon, okay? Deal?
-All right.
-Bye, Dad.
-Love you.
-Love you too, buddy.
Bye, now. All right.
Hey, Larry.
So I was thinking
maybe I'll give it one more night.
I'm glad you came around.
Welcome back.
You. New night guard, here, now.
-What's up?
-"What's up? "
Oh, well, take a walk with me
and I'll show you, Mr. "What's up? "
Come on.
So would you kindly do me the favor
of explaining this?
Okay. I'm guessing--
And I'm just spitballing here,
but looks like that Roman dude got cocky...
...and climbed over into the Wild West.
And the cowboy knows Roman dude
wants to take over his territory... he rounded up a posse
and put him in the stockade.
"Let's all laugh at me,
the comedy night guard."
"No" is the answer.
Sarcasm back at you,
with your humor box.
I wasn't laughing. Pretending to laugh...
...if that's what you want,
some sort of battle of humor.
Do you?
I don't want--
No, I don't want a battle of humor.
No, you don't,
because it would be a bloodbath.
Nothing funny about Little Bighorn.
No. I find it about as funny
as a "fancist."
It's not funny. Okay? And I will not
stand for this type of blatant....
If I'm not clear, tell me.
Am I clear?
Hey, Cecil?
You got an extra copy
of that instruction manual?
Oh, no. I'm afraid not, Larry.
Listen, I'll tell you what you do.
Read some books.
Brush up on your history.
Helped me a lot when I first started out.
This museum was originally dedicated
to that man on the horse up there...
...President Theodore Roosevelt.
He absolutely loved history and believed
that the more you know about the past...
...the better prepared you are
for the future.
Okay, kids. Who can tell me
what this room's called?
Very good. The Hall of African Mammals.
Right here we have the king of the jungle,
the lion.
Up ahead is one of my favorite creatures
in the whole museum, the capuchin monkey.
A highly intelligent primate
known for its loving and generous nature.
Excuse me?
I just thought that was....
I just was laughing in agreement.
Happy monkey.
All right, kids. This way.
Let me tell you something.
I'm not buying it.
You might have them fooled,
you might have the kids fooled. Not me.
Can't get past me.
There's a storm coming, buddy.
There's a storm coming.
One of the most famous trackers
in history, Sakagawea was the woman...
...who led Lewis and Clark on
their expedition to find the Pacific Ocean.
You guys have heard the saying,
"Actions speak louder than words."
And yet they wrote--
-Yes, Mr. Daley?
-Yes. Was she deaf?
Was she deaf? No. She was not.
But she--
Yeah, because-- Just-- She does seem
a little bit sort of unresponsive.
That's because she's a statue.
Kids, could you give me one sec?
Go check her out. She's really cool.
-What are you doing?
-I'm gonna be here every night.
I wanted to learn a little bit more
about what I'm guarding.
Actually, I've got a bunch of questions.
Maybe when you have a break,
could I buy you a cup of coffee?
A cup of coffee?
Yeah, I mean, just purely a, you know...
information-download sort of coffee.
I finish in 20 minutes.
I'll meet you outside.
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
-And have a good rest of your--
-All right. Okay, kids.
It was incredible what she did.
She literally led these men
across rivers, up mountains...
...all with her newborn baby on her back.
She was the ultimate working mother.
Wow, you are quite
the Sakagawean expert.
Yeah. I should be, I've been writing
my dissertation on her for four years.
You've been working on one paper
for four years? That would drive me crazy.
Actually, it's more like a 900-page book.
So, what's your story? Have you
always wanted to be a security guard?
-Oh, I didn't mean to--
-No, no, no.
No, I'm divorced
and I have a 1 0-year-old son... I needed to find
a more steady situation.
Got it. So, what can I tell you
about the museum?
Okay, Attila the Hun.
What is that guy's problem?
Attila was considered the only
genuine threat to the Roman Empire.
" Known as the 'Scourge of God'...
...Attila and his Huns would often
tear off the limbs of their helpless victims.
Attila was famous
for his superstitious beliefs.
He surrounded himself with a phalanx
of sorcerers and magicians...
...who advised and mystified him
with their dark arts."
Just wanted to say good luck, son.
And goodbye.
We're clocking out for the last time.
If you're ever in Boca, look us up.
Wait, you guys are going out of town?
What if this doesn't work out?
Smart fellow like you? You'll be fine.
Yeah. We'll just be a phone call away.
Come on, walk us out.
You fellas go ahead.
I need a moment.
He's very emotional.
A lot of memories in this room.
Go crazy, big guy.
Hey, guys.
Quest for fire...
...over. Knock yourselves out.
Morning, dum-dum.
Me no dum-dum. You dum-dum.
You bring me gum-gum?
Yes, I did, fathead.
Lots and lots of gum-gum.
What's that?
I can't hear you through the glass.
Heave. Heave.
Hey, what's going on over here?
We expand or we die.
-On the count of three... blow this anthill to kingdom come.
-And a one and a two--
-Hey, Jed. Stop that.
No, no. You blow a hole in your mountain,
all you're gonna hit is a wall.
Step aside, Gigantor. We got us a railroad
to build. We're blowing a hole in that thing.
Okay, first of all, enough with
the Gigantor giant stuff, okay?
-I'm just trying to close up shop.
-We're gonna blow it anyway. And a three!
Yeah. What are you doing?
What's it look like we're doing?
It's manifest destiny.
You can't fight it and neither can l.
Go! More dynamite.
-Yeah, use it all.
-All right. Okay.
Listen, "Octavus"? You gotta stop that.
It's Octavius, mary.
Okay, you know what? Fine. Great.
Here you go. This is what happens.
-You cannot do this. I am a Roman general.
-I have rights.
-And you.
-Hey, no! Put me down!
-Keep heaving, men.
You can't stop progress!
We're gonna have a little talk, okay?
I told you, I don't like to be manhandled.
No, I will manhandle you, Jedediah.
Now, listen, guys.
What is your problem, huh?
Why can't you just get along?
Look, we're men. We fight, okay?
That's what we do.
It's kind of how we pass the time.
You're, like, a giant. A freak, if you will.
We can't expect you to understand that.
You got the whole room to run around in.
You don't have to be near each other.
-What, you mean...?
-You're gonna let us out?
What, and just roam free?
Yeah. Yeah, I might,
if you promise to behave.
That means no fireballs,
no explosions, okay?
You have my word, my liege.
Yeah, no problemo, Gigantor.
My name's Larry, first of all. Okay, Jed?
So I call you Jed.
I don't call you Tiny, right?
What's that supposed to mean?
-"Hey, Teeny." How does that sound?
-I don't like it. It hurts my feelings.
"Gigantor" makes me feel
like some sort of freak, so....
I don't. I just call you Larry.
Don't be a kiss-ass, okay?
Look, I'm trusting you guys, all right?
If you don't do what I say,
you can end up like the Mayan world there.
Locked up. Take a look.
-Do they look happy?
They look sad.
They can't do what they wanna do.
Now, I'm letting you guys...
...have a little bit of leash here.
Don't choke me with it, okay?
I gotta run. You guys play nice, okay?
Okay. Good. Thanks.
Hey, how's that gum treating you,
Oh, hey, Dexter.
I'm just locking up. You want in?
All right.
What's that? You got my keys?
I don't think so.
Looks like Uncle Larry pulled a fast one
on little Dexie.
Those are baby keys for a little baby.
Have fun with your baby keys,
little baby monkey.
Tomorrow I'll bring you a little baby diapy
so you can go poo-poo in it.
I'll give you a tickle
because you're a cute baby.
While you cry all night long
about how Uncle Larry fooled you, huh?
I told you there was a storm coming.
-Hey, Teddy.
You impertinent pup.
I knew you'd come back.
-You look like a man on a mission.
-Yeah, I'm gonna give it another shot.
-You checking her out?
-The nerve.
Checking her out.
I've never heard of such a thing.
No, no, no. I'm just-- I mean
because, you know, she's very beautiful.
-Rather handsome woman, I suppose.
I don't know,
maybe you should go talk to her.
-lndeed. Bless you, lad.
-Yeah. All right.
-Carry on.
-Good. See you.
Hey, hi.
No! It's okay!
It's okay. You guys speak English?
Right. I don't know what that means...
...and I know that you and I got off
on the wrong foot last night, but...
...a little birdie told me
that somebody likes...
Ah, sorcer--
Yes. Illusion.
Everybody likes magic.
And flowers. People like flowers.
There you go. Those are for you.
You know what else people like?
The almighty dollar, right?
But money can sometimes...
At least that's what l...
No wonder you can't understand me.
You got a coin in your ear.
Check this out. Anybody need a hanky?
Well, I wouldn't suggest this little
feller because he has a nasty habit...
...of vanishing...
...into thin air!
No, no. Don't. That defeats the-- Don't!
Not the limbs. Guys, please,
do not tear the limbs.
Cortes, right?
You! Don't even think about it.
Don't you--
Come on, guys!
Hey, guys!
Hey, guys. Hey, guys!
Sorry. What's going on?
What happened here?
I thought we had a deal.
We will never coexist
with these buffoons.
We're past words, Laredo.
Now it's time to let Smith & Wesson
do the talking!
Those guns don't even work.
They don't? Take a look at this.
Ho! Dexter.
End of the line, cool breeze.
End of the line.
I am not playing games here.
Just hand them over.
Easy. That's it, Dexter.
Nice and easy, Dex. That's it.
Good Lord, Lawrence!
Why are you slapping a monkey?
Teddy, this guy's been pushing me,
and I'm sick of it!
Poppycock. This little creature is
your primate brother.
Without him, there's no us.
Are you rabid?
Wipe that off.
You have to deal with this creature
with love and respect.
May I have the keys, dear friend?
Thank you. Lawrence?
Well, you know what?
You seem to know what you're doing,
so I'm gonna let you take over.
No, no. My dear boy, you can't put up
the white flag now.
The museum is on the verge
of total anarchy.
I tried! I came back tonight,
didn't l?
Tried? That was one night. I didn't build
the Panama Canal in one day.
That's great, but I'm dealing with
the most ridiculous job in history.
Some men are born great, Lawrence--
Yeah, I know. Others have
greatness thrust upon them.
You hit me with that chestnut
last night.
The thing is, not everyone is great.
That's the problem.
Some of us are just ordinary.
No, you're not, Lawrence.
Stop wallowing in self-pity.
Every journey begins with a footstep.
Teach the inhabitants to get along,
they wouldn't need to be locked up.
That means a lot coming from a guy
who's spent the last 50 years...
...spying on a girl he's never even
talked to.
I was going to make contact.
Lawrence, please.
I'm done, all right?
No, Rexy! No!
Oh, no.
All right.
No one comes here anymore. Besides,
I took this tour in second grade, Daley.
I'm telling you,
my dad's gonna hook us up.
-Mr. Daley?
-Yes, I know.
In the Neanderthal display.
There was an incident last night
with the fire extinguisher.
I was on my way to go clean it up.
Okay, don't bother. You're fired.
I don't think we're getting a tour today.
Your dad just got canned, dude.
Excuse me?
Mr. McPhee?
Excuse me, Mr. McPhee?
Can I talk to you about this, please?
I know I screwed up, but I finally
understand how to do this job.
-You obviously don't.
-No, I didn't, but now I do.
-Really, Mr. McPhee--
Dr. McPhee.
Can you please give me one more night?
-One more night.
-Okay, thank you.
And if anything is the tiniest...
...after your shift:
-Got it.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice....
Shame on me. Fool me--
Shame on me.
-Fool me twice.... Got it.
-Take it or leave it.
-Okay. Thank you.
-What's wrong?
-Maybe you should ask Nicky.
Hey, buddy. What's going on?
You got fired.
What are you talking about?
I didn't get fired.
I came to the museum this morning.
I saw your boss yelling at you.
Why didn't you tell me?
Everything's fine.
We just had a little misunderstanding.
It's hard to explain.
I mean, you wouldn't bel--
You know what? Let me show you.
-Show me what?
-Come to work with me tonight.
Can I talk to you for a second?
Am I in trouble?
Larry, what are you doing?
I just wanna show him what I do.
That's all.
I love that you wanna share that
with him, but I gotta tell you...
...I don't think Nicky has any room
in his heart for more disappointment.
He won't be disappointed.
He won't be disappointed.
Listen, hang out in the security
office till everyone's gone.
Then I'm gonna come get you.
All right?
Hey, miss? I'm gonna have to ask you
to vacate the premises.
-Hey there.
-Good place to think, huh?
-Yeah. Definitely.
So no big plans tonight?
Yeah, no, I'm not really
a big-plan person.
I prefer hanging out with people
who are dead for 200 years.
It's the live ones that throw me.
That's cool. Seriously though,
you do have to leave.
-Yeah, sorry. It's museum rules.
We're sort of locking everything up.
You're really taking your job seriously.
You know, once I clip on the tie,
I'm all business.
-I get it.
How's that dissertation coming?
I've hit a dead end. I mean,
research can only get me so far.
I'm never gonna know
who she really was.
So I think it's time that I move on
to another subject.
I'll let you get back to work.
-Good night, Larry.
-Yeah, okay.
-Hey, Rebecca.
Hey. Listen, I don't think you should
give up on your paper.
Okay. Why?
All right, look, this is gonna
sound crazy, all right?
I mean, it's gonna sound, like,
really, really crazy.
-No, I mean insanely crazy.
-I can handle it.
You know how they say in certain
museums, history comes alive?
-ln this museum... actually does.
What are you talking about?
Everything in this museum
comes to life at night.
-Yeah, really. I'm not kidding you.
You know that tablet?
The Tablet of Ahkmenrah?
It actually brings things to life.
It's like some ancient spell.
Since the '50s, every night
everything's been coming to life.
Teddy Roosevelt told me. Seriously.
The monkey, Dexter? The cute little--
-What is he?
A capuchin. Right. The capuchin.
He urinated on me and bit my nose.
And Sakagawea is in her case,
alive every night...
...just listening to Lewis and Clark
So if you really wanna get inside
her head...
...I can hook that up.
That's cool.
Yeah, it's cool. It's freaking awesome.
Make fun of the history geek.
-No. Rebecca!
-Good night, Larry.
No, I'm not making fun of you.
-Here you go. Best seat in the house.
-What's going on?
If I told you, you'd think I'm crazy.
I'm gonna show you.
-You'll see in about 20 seconds.
-Okay, you like Tyrannosaurus Rex?
Yeah? Well, I call him Rexy.
And he's about to come to life,
Nicholas, in...
...five, four, three, two....
-Hang on a sec.
Say hello to Rexy!
Dad, are you okay?
This is weird.
Guys! Come on!
Hey, T.R., come on, rise and shine.
Buddy, I need you to wake up.
Come on, my kid is here.
I need you to wake up.
Texas? Texas! Come on!
Texas! Come on! Get on, Texas!
Get on, Texas! Get up.
Just stop, okay?
No, Nicky, I'm telling you,
there's this tablet, okay?
Called the Tablet of Ahkmenrah.
Every night--
-Now there's a tablet?
-Yeah, there is.
Come on, Dad.
Come on.
-It's gone.
-What's gone?
The tablet. I think somebody stole it.
Yeah, right.
I'm not kidding, Nicky.
Hey, Nicky!
Hey! Hey, Nicky! Where are you going?
-What? Wait a minute.
Come on.
You guys shouldn't be here.
Give us the tablet, son.
Wait a minute, Nicky.
What are you guys doing?
We're not gonna hurt you.
Give us the tablet.
I'm sorry to tell you this, son,
but your dad doesn't work here.
He got fired this morning.
Couldn't hack it.
Dad? I thought you said
you weren't fired.
I did. They're lying,
trying to steal that thing.
Turn the middle piece,
you'll see what I was talking about.
That is museum property, son.
Give it back.
Nicky, trust me. Just turn it.
-Give us the tablet!
Trust me.
Nick? Run. Now.
Get back here, kid!
Bad idea, Larry.
You wanna dance, hot dog?
You wanna dance?
Gus, you're an old man.
I don't wanna hurt you.
You see, Larry, a few years into
the job, the three of us realized that...
...Iike everything else in this museum,
we got new life at night.
Sundown to sunrise,
we felt young again.
Okay. Did not see that coming.
Gave us an energy boost.
We love the nightlife, Larry.
So when we found out
they were gonna fired us...
...we had to steal the tablet.
Everyone knows you need the money.
Add the stuff we planted
in your place...
...pretty obvious you committed
the crime.
Take care of that cut.
Come on, guys, let's go find that kid.
-Sweet dreams, cupcake!
Pile driver!
Let's get our tablet.
Thank you very much.
We'll take it from here.
Just in time, Larry.
We were just locking up.
Sleep tight, hotshot.
Let's grab everything we can fence.
I don't know about you,
but I'm planning on a long retirement.
Teddy! Teddy, if you're out there,
I need you, pal!
Someone call my name?
Theodore Roosevelt, at your service.
Teddy, can you get us out of here?
Can't do it, man. This is your moment.
Will you save the lectures, please?
I'm not you. Okay?
I didn't build the Panama Canal,
I wasn't president of the United States!
I need some help. Come on.
...I never did any of those things.
Teddy Roosevelt did.
I was made in a mannequin factory
in Poughkeepsie.
I never shot a wild beast.
I'm not even brave enough to tell
that beautiful woman I love her.
But you... gotta finish the job this time.
You can't quit.
I'm made of wax, Larry.
What are you made of?
-Wait! That's all you got for me?
-That's it!
That's it. Come on.
Go over there!
Hey. Hi. How you doing?
Sorry to bother you...
...but your guys there? Your jackal guys?
Do you think you could ask them
to back off, please?
We're not trying to hurt you, they think
we are. Could you do it like now?
Thank you. Nicky.
Thank you.
You would not believe how stuffy
it is in there.
-How come you speak English?
-I went to Cambridge University.
You went to Cambridge?
I was on display
in the Egyptology Department.
I am Ahkmenrah, fourth king
of the fourth king...
...ruler of the land of my fathers.
I am Larry...
...son of Milton...
...and this is my son, Nick.
And we hail from Brooklyn.
Well, I do. I mean, he comes out and
stays with me on Wednesdays...
...and every other weekend.
That was the custody agreement
that we had.
Larry, Nick, guardians of Brooklyn...
...I am forever in your debt.
Now bestow the tablet upon me... that I may assume command
of my kingdom.
Oh, yes. Okay, the tablet. I would...
...Iove to bestow it upon you,
but we don't actually...
...have it.
Thanks, guys. Don't worry.
I'll watch out for him!
Thank you.
What is that?
I gotta deal with this guy.
Pardon me, Larry. I speak Hun.
He says that he wants to rip you apart.
All right. Again with the ripping.
Listen, I understand.
I get it. Ripping for you....
You want to rip things, okay?
And I think maybe that's because
somebody ripped you a long time ago.
In here.
Somebody ripped little... Attila a long time ago,
right here.
They ripped something out,
didn't they?
They ripped the love.
They ripped the love right out of you,
didn't they?
A little baby all alone in a tent...
...whose daddy went off... pillage some town...
...or go and plunder somewhere,
just doing his job.
But who was left alone?
Let it out. Let it go. Let it go.
It's okay. It's okay.
You're next.
Good. That's good. Just breathe.
-Larry Daley.
Good. Yes.
Yeah. Okay. Good, good.
All right!
I need everybody to listen up!
Guys! Come on!
My dum-dum want to speak.
Thank you.
Now, this here's King Ahkmenrah.
His tablet is what brings you to life
every night.
And those old night watchmen?
They stole it.
Now, we need to find those guards
and get the tablet back...
...and we need to do it before morning.
Civil War guys,
head over to the Planetarium Wing.
My explorer friend
whose name escapes me.
-It's Columbus.
-Right, Columbus! Right, I'm sorry.
There's no nameplate, so....
Columbus, take the Neanderthals...
...and do a sweep from lnvertebrates
all the way through Reptiles.
Jed and Octavius, their van's parked
out back. Go take care of it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, no!
No, sir. I ain't working with toga boy.
Romans work alone.
-That didn't hurt. Don't be a baby.
-Yes, it did.
Come on.
That was much harder!
Guys, come on!
Jed, Octavius.
Take away the fact you were born guys aren't that different.
You're both great leaders.
You just want what's best
for your people, right?
Civil War dudes.
You guys are brothers, for God's sakes.
You gotta stop fighting.
North wins. Slavery's bad. Sorry.
Don't wanna burst your bubble.
But, South, you guys get Allman Brothers...
...and NASCAR, so just chill!
Look, without that tablet,
all of this...
...this whole coming-to-life-at-night thing,
it all goes away.
Now, I don't wanna let that happen,
but I need your help.
We can get this done,
but we gotta do it together.
So who's with me?
-Who's with me?
All right! Now, let's do this, people!
And animals!
And weird, faceless puppet creatures.
Come on, let's go! Let's do it!
Come on! Follow me, boys!
Oh, jeez.
Now, boys, we can do this the easy way
or the hard way.
I guess it's gonna be the hard way.
Right, men, we're almost there.
Save yourself!
I ain't quitting you!
Fellas, where are you?
That's what I'm talking about.
Good job, gentlemen.
Loving the teamwork!
They've vanished.
How will we find them?
I know someone who can help. Come on.
Watch out!
Hey, Sakagawea, or wea. Listen,
I need a favor. Somebody stole his tablet.
You think you can track the guys
who took it?
He went east
but he lost control and crashed.
You're amazing. How can you tell that?
He left the wagon...
...and went back.
He went back?
Why would he go back?
Get out of the way!
You saved me.
You're worth saving, my dear.
-That's problematic.
-Teddy. Oh, man.
Larry, relax. I'm wax.
You gotta do something.
Dawn's approaching.
-Half the museum's running amuck outside.
-He's got my tablet.
Come on, Ockie!
At your service, Gigantor!
How can we be of assistance, my liege?
Just give me a second, guys.
Here, boy.
Teddy, I need a horse.
Do it, man.
-Come on, boy! Let me hear you yell!
Just living the dream, baby!
I'm loving this!
Pull the stagecoach over now!
Can I make this turn up here?
I'll take that as a yes. Hang on!
I can't hold it!
Come on, Tex, let's finish this.
Come on!
Give me the tablet, Cecil!
Can't do it, son.
Pull over!
It ain't gonna happen. Moving on.
Last chance, Cecil.
Stop the horses or I will!
They can't be stopped, Larry.
Don't you know your history?
These are money carriers. They were trained
not to stop for anything but a secret word.
Really? You mean a word like...
..." Dakota"?
Come on, Tex.
I read up on my history.
Thanks for the tip.
Oh, and by the way...
...don't ever talk to me like that
in front of my son.
Moving on.
-Hey, Huns.
-Tell Attila to have his boys...
...take him back.
Put him with the guards.
Oh, and no limb ripping, okay?
Hey, boy. Wait, wait, hold the phone.
What's makeekaka mean?
Wait. Translation, please.
The year was 1 909. I was going up
the Zambezi River in Africa.
And our river guide was a brilliant Pygmy
who spoke only by clicking.
There we are.
-Oh, boy.
-What is it?
I gotta get you guys
back to the museum.
Ahkmenrah, I'm gonna need your help.
This is your tablet. You know
the instructions. You get everyone back.
Come on. There's somebody
who's gotta see this.
What I'm saying is, for the type of money
that they pay A-Rod...
...he ought to be bringing home
a World Series trophy every season.
You know what I mean?
Now, who they gonna get
to clean up all that doo-doo?
One terracotta soldier.
-Welcome back, ladies.
Viking guys.
Do me a favor. Your fellows
made some funeral pyre... Petrified Wood. Go clean that up.
Okay? Thank you.
-He's back.
-All right, I'll deal with this joker.
Hey, hey, Moose.
It's not gonna happen, buddy. All right?
I told you, you can't come through
with those antlers.
So you and your caribou buddy
gotta go around to the loading dock.
-Hey, Teddy.
Great to see you in one piece.
Sakagawea, a little hot wax,
and I'm a new man.
I told you I wasn't making fun of you.
-I know.
Oh, my God.
Wanna meet her?
Okay, come on.
Excuse me. President Roosevelt,
this is my friend Rebecca.
-An honor.
And this is Sakagawea.
I think she has a few questions
she wants to ask you.
You rock. I am a big fan.
What would you like to know?
Well, I mean,
I don't know where to start, but....
-One Buddha.
Two zebras.
-Right. Check.
-Dexter! Welcome back.
Hey, Dex, so look.
No hard feelings, all right?
-You saw!
-You saw what he did just then!
-Who's evolved?
-I am.
-Who's evolved?
I am!
Well, they're all here.
Well done. Everyone's in.
Yeah, well...
...not everyone.
We lost a couple of good, little men
out there tonight.
With great victory comes great sacrifice.
Dad, look.
You ain't getting rid of us that easy.
Until tomorrow evening, Lawrence?
Yeah. I don't know about that, Teddy.
It's gonna be tough
to talk my way out of this one.
Well, if that's indeed the case...
...then it's farewell, my friend.
Your father's a great man.
I know.
Told you.
All right. Good night.
No, Lawrence. Good day.
Hey, Teddy?
You're watching New York 1.
News all morning.
Thanks for joining us.
There is a fresh blanket of snow.
But it's not the snow
that's got New Yorkers talking.
It's what's in the snow. There are
dinosaur tracks along West 81st Street.
Here's the remarkable video. These appear
to be Tyrannosaurus Rex tracks...
...and they lead straight
to the Museum of Natural History.
Authorities have found what appear to be
cave drawings in the subway.
Neanderthals atop the museum roof.
Elaborate hoax or publicity stunt?
You be the judge,
but one thing's for sure:
The folks at the Natural History Museum
have really outdone them--
Any explanation at all?
No. Got nothing.
I'll take your keys and your flashlight.
Folks, this way.
My name is Nick Daley.
My Career Day parent is my dad.
He's the night watchman
at the Museum of Natural History.
Hey, how's it going? Well, Nicky said it:
I'm the night watchman
at the Museum of Natural History.
Let me tell you something:
That's when history comes alive.
How many of you guys
have been over to the museum?
Hey, it's getting late.
Are you ready to go home?
Let's ride.
It was nice of Larry not to rat us out,
but this is ridiculous.
We're night watchmen, not janitors!
Gentlemen, you're doing a terrific job.
I'll gonna catch a few Z's.
You ain't going nowhere.
Start mopping, hot dog.
Over here.