Night Patrol (1984) Movie Script
Hey, you!
Hey, pull over!
Stop the vehicle, pull over now!
Are you crazy?
Oh, I see, alright forget it.
I lost my pencil.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, first of all your trunk was open.
Do you want to come back here a minute?
No. - Please.
Problem?
I think IT's a little obvious, don't you?
Look, your latch is broken.
That's why the trunk won't close.
See, IT's all inside here.
All the tumblers are busted.
I'm sorry.
Oh, and these things are all
sticking out, look at that.
And this here, there we go.
I'm sorry, all right?
Well, you should be.
Now, are you also aware
that you made an illegal u-turn?
That makes sense.
Well, I'm gonna have to give you
a warning anyway now.
May I see your driver's license?
Okay, okay, okay, that makes sense too.
Well, what about your
ownership papers on the car?
You have those with you?
Alright, okay, okay that
makes sense, alright.
Well, I'm gonna have to
give you a citation anyway.
Sign right here, okay?
Alright.
Huh, oh.
All right, Mr. Capricorn,
okay, well, there you go.
Let me get you back in the car now.
Watch your head.
Watch your head!
There we go.
Hey, and drive carefully.
Those kids on the road could be yours.
Why's that?
Mmm, mmm, ah, my heart!
My heart, ah!
Ooh, yeah baby!
Oh, shit!
I got me a wallet!
Woo, we eat tonight!
After a bathroom.
Oh, hey, hold it!
What's the matter here?
You dropped your wallet.
Oh, thank you cop, thank
you, keep in touch.
Have a nice day!
Hey, Tyrone!
Cootchie coo!
Ugh!
Ooh, hey!
Oh no, no, oh!
Hey, bud, your fly's down.
- Oh, yeah, hey so is yours.
- Yeah, thanks, alright, cool.
Ouch, shit!
Hey, come on buddy.
You gotta move, come on.
Come on, let's go.
Hey, come on, you're not allowed
to sleep in the park now.
Let's go, buddy!
Hey, pal, come on!
Hey, you okay?
Hey buddy, come on!
Oh shit!
Oh, my god he...
Let me see.
Oh, gosh.
Oh, all right.
Hey, thanks buddy!
Alright, come on kids!
Follow the leader, let's go!
Come on, let's go!
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
- Mister, I found your gun!
- Alright, get over there!
All right, all right,
come here, sweetheart.
Come on!
Come here!
No!
Come on sweetheart, darling.
Let's go, come on, we have to go!
Honey, come on!
Come on, you have to
come across the street.
Ow, ooh, ow, no, no!
Come here, eh!
No, come on, sweetie.
Ouch!
Ooh, ow!
Oh no, ow, ooh, sheesh!
Come on, let's go!
Come here now!
Come on!
Come here, come here!
Come on now, come on.
Now, give me that apple
and get out of here.
Go ahead.
I don't want you on my property!
Get out of here, beat it!
Alright, leave me alone!
Hey, hey, I sure would like
to get into your underwear.
Yeah, well I already got
an asshole in my underwear
and I don't need another one!
So get lost! - Hey Melvin, you missed one.
Are you crazy,
go home and try that trick on your pet.
Hey Melvin, thanks for getting me
out of jail last week.
Well sure, but
I've only got a dollar.
What do you do? - I'm an actor.
Where do you work?
I'm the girl that works
with Paramount all day
and fox all night.
Two for one sale, two for one.
Two for one. - Credit cards for me.
But at those amounts
to charge the visa.
Hey, hey, what's going on down there?
Hey, you guys can't do that!
Hey, you guys are in a lot of trouble now!
No cockfighting allowed in this town!
You're all in a lot, hey,
here, i'm, hey what the?
This is no good, you're
all in a lot of trouble!
I've got 10 bucks on
you get back in there.
Come on, get back in there
and get him you bitch!
Get it!
Keep it down and keep it dirty.
Okay, I'm gonna let you
get away with it this time,
but don't you ever let me
catch any of you here again!
You got that!
I been coming here
everyday for three months.
That's probably why your wife left you.
Anybody gave last week? - Shit.
Excuse me, miss, you
shouldn't be in this line.
539, man in trouble at 1545 venice drive,
code 17, victim shot 15 times
in head, says he needs help.
All cars in the Hollywood area,
counterfeit bills being circulated,
be careful in accepting bribes.
Car 63, report immediately
to first savings at second Avenue
and third street in the fourth precinct.
Five hold-up men have six
employees and seven customers.
There's a bomb set to
go off in eight seconds
and you are about nine blocks away.
Car 63, never mind!
Car 86, come in please.
Ah ah ah!
Car 86, where are you?
Car 86 reporting.
Ah yes, captain Lewis wants you
to report to his office immediately.
Roger, 10-4 and out.
Ooh! - I said now, Ken,
the girl can wait!
This coffee is great, sue.
Oh, hi, Melvin, how are you?
Fine, except I'm a little late.
Yes, you're late with your
appointment for captain Lewis,
but IT's okay, I covered for you.
Oh, thanks.
I told him you slept in.
Is captain Lewis upset?
No. - Oh good.
He's furious.
Maybe I should come
back when he's not busy.
Oh, no, no, no!
I told him I'd send you in
as soon as you got here.
But IT's okay, his bark is
a lot worse than his bite.
Here, you can finish
the rest of this, okay?
Oh, okay.
I've been hearing that you
tell people that I tell lies!
Oh, you heard wrong, sir.
I heard what wrong?
That what you heard about me
telling people you tell lies,
you heard wrong.
What I heard about people
telling lies you heard wrong?
What?
Well, what you heard about
me telling people you
tell lies you heard wrong, sir!
That's why you're getting a promotion.
You mean I'll be getting
that desk job I've been wanting, sir?
Even better, even better.
You're gonna be getting night patrol.
Night patrol, sir?
And with it you get a car
and a partner and a raise.
A car, a partner, and a raise, sir?
I said you get a car and a partner.
I didn't say anything about a raise, did I?
No, sir, nothing about
a raise, nothing sir!
Now I want you to meet your new partner.
He's from a new precinct.
Miss perman, is Kent Lane here yet?
Yes, he is sir! - Yes he is sir, what?
Yes, he is sir, sir! - Good, send him in!
Patrolman Kent Lane reporting, sir.
Oh, I see you met miss perman.
Yes, sue perman and I are
old friends, aren't we?
Yes, I've known you since
you were a clerk, Kent.
Well, I'm your captain Lewis, Lane
and this is your new partner, Melvin white.
How do you do?
And has sue already made
out our schedules, sir?
No, no, but she will plan it daily.
Yes, I will and, sir,
will you be holding
inspection this evening, sir?
Nah, nah.
I don't want anymore of that crap tonight.
Sir, please don't use those words.
Crap tonight?
What's the matter, sue perman?
My language a little too rough for you?
Crap tonight, crap tonight!
Sir, those words make me
feel weak and helpless.
Alright, I want you two go
and get a good night's sleep
and be back here for
inspection at six o'clock.
The inspection is generally
at five o'clock, sir.
Are you calling me a liar too?
No, then inspection will be at six.
No, I said the
inspection is at five o'clock!
Now, dismissed!
So inspection's at six, sir?
Right!
You'll never guess what
happened to me, sue.
You got a promotion, fancy new partner,
and you got a car.
Well how did you know?
Let's just say a little bird told me.
But he didn't get a raise.
Aw, no raise!
Oh, that's too bad.
But you know, Melvin,
the way you treat people
with love and respect...
What I was really
hoping for was a desk job
that would keep my evenings free.
What's the matter that you
don't wanna work at night?
You're not moonlighting, are ya?
Somebody moonlighting?
No, no, captain!
Are you calling me a liar? - No, sir!
You see I'm working on this
novel about police work
and I work much better in the evenings.
You see, I went to night school.
Oh well, Melvin, I
hope that you finish it
'cause you're such a wonderful human being
and a sincere person.
You know, you're either
a fool or you're stupid.
That girl back there really likes you.
Sue likes me?
I don't think so.
Sure she does.
IT's written all over her face.
I notice that whenever she's around you,
can't keep her eyes off you.
Not even to look at me,
which is incredible.
For a while I though she
was some sort of a dyke.
You know what you ought to do?
You ought to jump on officer Judy.
Officer Judy, you mean with...
Yeah, I was with her all last night.
Oh yeah?
Fucked her brains out.
Shh, here she comes now.
Oh, hi, Judy!
IT's gonna be okay.
IT's gonna be alright.
You don't have a thing to worry about.
I've got new evidence.
We're gonna get you a new trial.
I'm gonna get you a new deal.
Judge is a friend of mine.
Meantime, if you get the
chance, try to escape.
Let's go!
Alright, you guys,
prepare for inspection!
Attention!
He's not
gonna fart again, is he?
Alright, officers.
I want to clean up this city.
Prostitution is running rampant.
And I want to drive every
hooker out of this town.
Now, I want you to be extra
careful for the next 24 hours
because I'm leaving town
and I'm going to a police
convention in Las Vegas.
Officers seven and nine? - Yes, sir!
Take the Hollywood area. - Yes, sir!
Officers three and five? - Yes, sir!
Chinatown. - Yes, sir!
Officers two and six? - Yes, sir!
The beach. - Yes, sir!
And officers four and one?
Officers four and one?
Always want to go there, I
don't like it there anymore.
But those guys... - Are you one?
Ooh, yes, I'm one, are you one too?
Well, if you're one,
then you must be four.
I'm for whatever he's for.
Thank you!
Alright, you guys take the park.
Ooh, that means we get
to wear our dresses!
I'll wear my Bob mackie. - You would!
And don't wear your chiffon
because it just doesn't match your eyes.
He's right.
And be sure you
catch the purse snatcher.
Ooh, we almost caught him in
a park just the other night.
But he gave US the slip.
And then we followed him
all the way downtown.
And again he gave US the slip!
That's right.
He gave me a blue slip.
What color was your slip?
Mine was chartreuse.
Ooh, take my breath away!
Dismissed!
Now go get 'em tigers!
Okay, Melvin, I want you to cover for me.
I shouldn't take too long.
Wait wait, is there any chance
of you letting' me go out
there and you cover for me?
Are you crazy?
You're just a rookie.
I've been doing night
patrol now for 10 years.
Just keep your eyes peeled.
But I'll be a rookie all my life
unless you give me a chance!
Now, look, I know I can do it.
You gotta trust me, please!
Just this one time.
Okay.
Great, you won't be sorry, I swear!
Be careful. - I will.
You'll be proud of me, okay?
Before I go, let me get that straight now.
That's two jelly doughnuts,
one glazed, two coffees,
one cream, one without sugar, right?
Right. - Right!
The rough part of town.
Yeah, well you're not kidding.
Look at that over there!
You gotta pull over.
What for?
What for, that guy's parked
in front of a fire hydrant.
Oh, yeah, okay.
You don't mind me handling this, do ya?
Just be firm, okay? - Okay, great.
Now what are you doing in there?
Necking! - Yeah, well
you're gonna have to put your neck
back in your pants and go somewhere else.
Why don't you take a fuckin' hike!
Kent, he won't move the truck.
Alright, I'll take care of him.
Come on, you, get out of there!
I want you to move that truck now.
I mean now!
I said right now!
You get what I said?
I'll move, I'll move, I'm going!
I'll move the damn thing!
Shit, look out!
Oh shit!
Oh, shit, comin' back again now!
Get back!
Need reinforcements here!
We need some reinforcements!
He should be out
of bullets pretty soon!
Hey, Bubba, hit
'im with the tear gas!
Aw shit!
Code six, code six!
This is car 86 requesting a back-up unit
as soon as possible.
Let's back into this now!
Where is he?
We've got you completely surrounded.
Drop your weapon!
Oh my god, he's got a kid!
Drop 'im!
Aww, you shot the kid!
Now look what you made me do, you idiot!
You made me hit an innocent bystander!
If I was to blame, I
would admit it, okay.
IT's no big deal!
Get out of here, shoo!
Go ahead, go find your own neighborhood.
When you took over when I slipped
and I fell under the car there.
Thank you, Kent, thank you.
Melvin, you
said he was funny, huh?
How can a bag be funny?
Alright, here's a quick
impression of the first man
to land on the sun.
Ooh, shit!
All right, hold just a second,
my socks are coming down.
Yes, yes, yes, you're a
police officer during the day,
but at night you put this bag on your head
and tell jokes in nightclubs
because you enjoy making
people laugh, is that right?
Right.
You needed a disguise because
as a police officer you'd lose your job
if they found out you were
moonlighting, is that right?
Uh huh. - Don't you think
this is kind of a cop out?
Hey, that's kind of a good joke.
You could use that in your act.
I'm so confused.
I can't decide whether to quit
show business or police work.
And to make matters worse,
I've fallen in love.
I feel something when you're
here in the office too.
Chemistry I don't feel with
my other male patients.
No, not you, a girl.
She was beautiful.
Somehow I managed to get her attention.
God, you're beautiful!
I got a lot of money here.
I'd like to take you up to my apartment
and show you some of my etchings.
What's your name? - Edith.
Edith, Edith what? - Edith hutton.
How about joining me for a drink?
Well, Edith hutton says...
Fuck off!
Ow, ow, ow!
Ow ow ow, Jesus!
Ow, my balls, my balls!
My tits are numb too.
A message from miss Parker. - Thank you.
How ya doin?
I caught your act, kid.
I think you're great!
Listen, my name is Kate Parker.
I'd like to handle you
'cause I think you've got
what it takes to go all the way.
You do?
All you have to do is listen to me.
Some of the biggest comedians
in the business listen to me.
Ever hear of Don rickles?
No. - He listened to me.
Steve Martin? - No.
He listened to me, Charles Bronson?
I don't think so.
Well, he didn't listen to me.
Look, I can have you on all
the top TV talk shows in town
and have you working in
Vegas in six months.
How much did Tex pay you?
He gave me a thousand.
Oh, come on, kid.
He gave you 25 and you're good
so he offered you 35 for next time, right?
How did you know?
IT's my business to know, kid.
Hey, Tex, come here!
Hi, Tex. - Yeah, Kate.
Listen, sweetie, I think
this kid is super talented
so I'm gonna be bringing a lot of people.
They'll be drinkin' a lot of your booze.
So how about paying him 50 bucks next time?
Anything for you, babe.
Thanks, Kate! - You know me, Tony baroni?
Look, I'm lookin' for a manager, you know?
Your act sucks, kid, beat it.
Maybe you didn't see the face.
That's what it must be right?
Go away!
You're making a big mistake.
Anyway, stick with me, kid,
and I'll have ya wearin' a Gucci bag.
Can you believe it, doc?
I met a gorgeous girl named
Edith and a manager named Kate,
who wants to make me a star.
What do you think will happen next?
I predict that you will
have your Kate and Edith too.
Ah, yourself!
I have another very important prediction.
Oh yeah?
What is it doc?
I'm sorry your time's up.
Calling all cars, calling all cars.
Be on the lookout for anything suspicious.
I'd say we're in for
a rough night tonight.
Yeah, why?
Well, look there's a full moon.
Up against the wall!
This is the toughest part of town.
We got gangs, pimps, porno
shops, x-rated movies.
Just keep your eyes open
for anything suspicious.
Help! Help!
Somebody help me!
You ever seen an x-rated movie, huh?
Eh, I went one time.
It was really disgusting, though.
Finally left after about eight hours.
Besides the screen was
beginning to irritate my nose.
Oh, Kent, remember when captain Lewis said
he was gonna drive all the
prostitutes out of town?
Yeah.
Well, there he is!
And he's driving a whole bunch of them
out of town right now!
Geez.
Car 86, robbery in progress
at Sampson bar and grill, 155
Johnson street, code three.
10-4.
Okay, let's go, let's go!
Let's get out of here.
Nobody here, okay, I'm gonna
go talk to the owner.
You check for witnesses.
Okay.
Oh, Kent, I think I killed
an innocent bystander.
IT's alright, calm down.
Just tell US what happened.
Just take it easy, no need for that, okay.
He must have gotten
away with over $2,000.
Tuesday night's our big night
with choir practice next door.
Any description?
Write this down, Melvin.
That's no problem.
He was wearing a tan jacket,
brown pants, and judo shoes.
Any distinguishing features
like a tattoo, mustache?
A zit, cold sore?
Oh yeah, there was one more thing.
He was wearing a bag over his head.
Bag over his head.
Yeah, except he had
two holes for his eyes
and one hole for his mouth
and he kept telling jokes!
Jokes!
What kind of jokes?
How do you get a witch pregnant?
I don't know, how do you
make a witch pregnant?
You fuck her.
I mean, I don't... - That's not funny.
I know.
Yes, it is. - Maybe it is, doc.
Someone's setting me up.
Can you believe it?
Somebody's robbing bars
with a bag on his head.
Do you think your family didn't like you?
Yes.
When I was a kid, my mother
used to scream at me
well, tomorrow night's your big chance.
And a lot of big bookers will be there.
I hope they won't be hard on me.
As funny as a hemorrhoid.
So Julia child has the show on pbs?
The show is... - This guy sucks!
Thank you, thank you.
IT's been swell knowing you.
Get off the stage!
Her pbs show gets canceled.
Hey, you got five minutes, kid!
No pressure.
I mean it, I promise.
No pressure, I really believe in you.
No pressure, don't be nervous.
I have about a million
butterflies in my stomach.
Here, take these. - Mmm, what are they?
Mothballs.
Boy, your career is really on the rise.
We're gonna get into bumper
stickers and posters
and t-shirts, everything!
'Cause after tonight, kid,
you're gonna be the most
known unknown comic.
Ooh, you really think so, Kate?
Guess who?
I don't believe this guy!
He's nuts.
He follows me around all the
time, auditioning for me
and he can't do anything right!
He's a real no talent.
I also do ed Sullivan!
Hey, we got a great fuckin'
show for you to see tonight.
What do you think of that?
You've been a great audience tonight.
Remember to continue to
be a great audience.
We have a new comedian coming up.
I'm sure you're all gonna love him.
Thank you, once again.
Please welcome the unknown comic!
Alright, what a crowd!
What an audience!
All right, woo hoo!
Okay, I'm telling you, I
just flew in from Las Vegas.
What a bummer, I got
airsick and nobody knew!
Yo yeah, got me staying
at the Sahara hotel.
What a weird hotel!
I call the desk clerk tell
him I got a leak in my sink.
Yeah, things have been pretty good, though.
I just moved into an apartment over a bank,
which is great 'cause now my ass sits
over 10 million dollars!
Boy, you people have amazing control!
Yeah, I got a joke for you
that's gonna make your boobies fall off.
Oh, you already heard it.
I'm just kidding.
Actually, I can make your
boobies seem larger.
I have small hands.
What do you call a nurse
with dirt on her knees?
The head nurse.
Why does a dog lick his groin?
'Cause he can!
Okay, why is pubic hair curly?
So it doesn't poke your eyes out.
What do you call a hundred
cows masturbating?
One more, what has three balls
and comes from outer space?
E.t., the extra testicle!
You know why they spell sex s-e-x?
'Cause you can't spell.
Did you hear about the guy who
had herpes in his eyebrows?
Yeah, he was lookin' for love
in all the wrong places!
What's his schedule?
Two weeks, price is no object!
Kate, you told me I
could have first shot.
Hey, I'll pay whatever you want!
Whatever you want!
How 'bout a little head later?
Uh, listen, I made a
tape of tonight's show.
I want you to listen to it.
You know, it could be very helpful.
By the way, kid, you were great tonight!
They were all wacked out!
Oh, Kate, it felt like my first orgasm!
Can I have your autograph?
Oh, Edith, IT's you!
I believe you owe me a drink.
Right, a drink.
I owe her a drink, Kate.
Listen, I've got some big deals to make.
I'll talk to you later.
By the way, just remember
love comes and goes,
but herpes last forever.
Hey, wait a moment!
Bartender, one
beer and two glasses, okay?
And make sure my glass is clean.
You know, beer makes you smarter?
Really? - It made bud wiser.
Alright, which one of you
two ordered the clean glass?
I did. - Here.
I like my beer in a glass too.
I've got a cucumber I'd like to show you.
I have a bag of tricks i'd
like to show you myself.
Ooh, my motor's revving!
Oh really?
Let's go to my place
and I'll put anchovies
and cream cheese on your
body and lick it off.
I can't right now.
Okay just anchovies.
Well, you see I'm sort of with someone.
He might just pop up.
I'm popping up right now.
And I would love you to clamp your teeth
on my zipper and pull it down.
I can't, really I have to go.
What about your phone number?
Are you into phone sex?
- I don't have a phone.
- Can I drive you home?
- My car's right outside.
- What about a kiss?
Lock your lips on my love muscle.
And don't forget me!
I'll never forget you, uh uh...
Edith!
Edith, right, Edith.
Bartender, write that down.
E-d-e-e-t-h.
Oh, I guess you guys heard
that the bag man robbed another bar today!
Boy, captain Lewis is really determined
to find out who did it.
Oh, he's no more determined
than I am, believe me.
Oh, Melvin, captain Lewis
also received a report
that there's an unknown comedian
who wears a bag on his head,
who's gonna be playing
at the magic and comedy club this weekend.
He's gonna send out a detail
to investigate the suspect.
Oh, do you think there's any chance
that you can work it out
so Kent and I can go on that detail?
IT's in the bag.
The bag man robbed another bar!
The meat market saloon on Powell street!
Now get Kent and get over there right now!
Yes, sir!
Kent, you better finish
filing those reports later,
we gotta go!
The meat market
saloon on Powell street!
Yes sir, yes sir! - I can't!
Hey what's going on?
Bag man robbed another
bar over on Powell street.
No, no, meat market
saloon's on Mounthill.
Why did the captain say
IT's on Powell street?
He was lying.
Is somebody calling me a liar?
No, no, no! - Come on, let's go.
Not me, no sir!
Meat market saloon, huh?
This must be a country and western bar.
Hey. - IT's all right baby!
I don't think so.
Your face or mine? - Your face.
Let's go, come on! - Ow, not so rough!
Hey, IT's about time you pigs got here!
All right, calm down now,
nobody gets anything done
when they're excited.
Who are you telling not to get excited?
All right, back off, back off here!
He just get excited when
he sees beautiful women.
Hey! - Hey!
Who runs this place anyway?
I own the bar and if we catch
that sucker who robbed US
we're gonna turn that bag
inside out, pluck his eyes out,
stab him, shoot him, and then
tear him into little pieces
and then see how funny he is.
- How much money did he get?
- The money's not important.
All he got was a lousy 50 bucks!
It was the jokes that he told.
What jokes?
Well he asked US if
our favorite TV program
was the dyke Van dick show.
- Pretty funny.
- IT's not that funny.
Hey! - Uh-oh.
No, that is a bad joke. - Yeah, a bad joke.
That bad guy better hope that you get him
before we get him 'cause if we get him
we're gonna rip his dick off!
And then we're gonna bounce his balls
on the ground so hard that
they land on the moon
and feed what's left to the goldfish.
Now get out! - Come on, where you from?
I love it when they dominate.
A tough place huh?
Tough, wanna see tough?
See that pool table over there?
Yeah. - Got no balls.
Boy those were some pretty
scary guy, girls weren't they?
You know that tall one
gave me a real boner.
A what?
Boner, you know, boner.
What's a boner?
Well IT's a...
Well, IT's a, like a fish,
you know you debone a fish.
Oh, speaking of boners, I'm starved.
What do you say we get something to eat?
We can't eat now,
we got about 10 more minutes on this shift.
Here why don't you just finish
off this chocolate bar.
Oh, you don't mind, thanks.
No, go ahead.
Oh yeah.
Hey, Kent, haven't seen you for a while.
Why haven't you called?
Babe, I been a little busy.
I'll give you a call, don't worry.
I'm gonna go wash my fingers.
I got chocolate all over them.
I'll join you.
Gotta drain my lizard.
What? - My lizard.
What's that? - IT's like a horned toad.
See this machine here,
sells these little rubbers,
says for the prevention of disease.
Don't believe it, I wore
one for three weeks.
I got mumps.
Oh no, I got water all
over the front of my pants!
Use the blow dryer over there.
Over there, I can't
go out there like this.
Give me a hand, will ya?
Yeah, oh!
There you go, you up there? - There we go.
We better get out of here
before we get arrested.
I got some menus. - Okay.
All right. - What'll you have?
How much is coffee? - 30 cents.
Okay, a refill. - Refills are free.
Okay, give me a refill and
a slice of garlic cake.
Okay, and you?
I think I'm gonna have
the steak dinner, okay.
Soup or salad?
What kind of soup you got?
Cream of washroom.
Cream of washroom sounds good.
I'll have that.
How you want your steak?
As Ronald Reagan would say, well!
Kent!
Thanks so much for last night.
You were marvelous!
Wow!
Listen, Melvin, we been partners
for two weeks now, right?
Yeah.
And I think if we're gonna work together,
we ought to know each other.
Sure.
I got tons of girlfriends.
You got a lot of girlfriends?
Girls, uh...
You like girls don't you?
Well, yeah, of course I do!
I mean who doesn't.
Name one.
Well, Edith hutton.
Edith hutton? - You know her?
Know her, the entire Navy knows her!
Well, that's nice.
I didn't know she was so patriotic.
Look, when the FBI
looks for fingerprints,
first place they check is her body.
No kidding!
Well, what kind of girls you usually like?
I like girls that are interested
in the same things I am.
Yeah, like what? - Booze and cheap sex.
Let me tell you something, Melvin.
If you're gonna get married,
marry an ugly girl.
Ugly girl, why?
You marry a pretty one,
two weeks later she runs
off with somebody else.
Well, an ugly girl can run away too.
I know, but who gives a shit.
Whoa!
What's your thumb doing on my steak?
I didn't want to drop it again.
Look at this, I can't,
this is a dirty knife.
Let's see.
There you go.
What about my soup?
Oh yeah, soup, shit!
Wow, can you believe this place?
I believe it.
Look here in my coffee, there's a roach.
Hey busboy, look here!
There's a roach in my coffee.
Oh, that's where it went.
Wow, hey thanks man!
Here's your soup.
Now what's your big
thumb doing on my soup?
Got an infection on my thumb.
My doctor told me to keep it warm.
Why don't you take it and
shove that thumb up your ass?
I do that when
I'm back in the kitchen.
IT's not bad.
Calling car 86, car 86 come in.
Yeah, car 86 reporting.
Car 86 go to alley,
back of Blair Avenue.
There's a rape victim in need of help.
Respond, code 69.
Roger, we'll be right there.
What the hell, no tip?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh geez. - Get out of here!
Oh no! - C'mon!
There she is, Kent!
Don't worry, dear,
everything's gonna be alright.
We're the police.
Yo, sorry!
Oh officers, it was horrible!
There were three of them
and they wouldn't stop.
Three of them, what
were they gang members?
No, they were women.
But they had these guns
and whips and chains.
What did they make you do?
Well, first they made me
pull out my, pull out my,
my, you know. - Your pee-pee?
Uh-huh.
And then they made me play with it
and pull on it until 1, until I, you know.
Arrived. - Climaxed.
Climaxed. - And then what?
That's all they did?
Is that all?
They made me do it 13 times!
13 times, that's terrible!
The first couple of times were fine, but,
oh my god, I can't even walk anymore!
Strangest rape case I ever heard of.
You recognize any of them?
No I couldn't see a thing.
What do you mean you
couldn't see anything?
Well, see I had been
drinking a little bit early on
and I thought I would just come out here
and sort of sleep things off,
but the light from the lamppost
kept getting in my eyes,
so I just kind of put this
paper bag over my head.
Meat market saloon.
I would like to start off by handing out
some autographed eight by
10 pictures of myself.
Here we go, alright.
Also, got some pictures of me as a baby!
Here we go!
Stop the show, stop the show!
This man's the father of my baby!
Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute, baby.
You can't prove that!
Oh, yeah?
Mysterious! - Yeah, he's pretty cool too.
Fantastic.
Hey why don't we go to chase's
and have some chili, huh?
She's kinda bad, change her act?
Maybe he has an act.
Who, sue, well hi!
What are you doing here?
Well, I came to see the show.
Wasn't the unknown comic great?
Oh yeah, he was good.
Very good, yeah he was.
Melvin, I didn't see you anywhere.
Where were you?
I was back there.
I was all around the club,
but then I had to come out
here and patrol also.
Melvin, do you think that
maybe the unknown comic
and the bag man are maybe one and the same?
No, in fact I'm sure they're not
because I had a long talk
with the unknown comic
before his show and he can account
for every one of his whereabouts
during the time of the robberies.
Oh, good!
Melvin, I was gonna have a cup of coffee.
You want to maybe come with me?
I'd love to sue, but
IT's a, I'm still on duty
and I have to find Kent, but
sometime we'll get together,
me and you and we'll do our laundry, okay?
Okay.
Alright, I'll see ya.
Bye, Melvin. - Bye!
I hate that guy. - Excuse me, I'm sorry.
Oh, Melvin, listen great show tonight!
Great, great!
Listen, I got three new club bookings
and then something really big in the works.
Melvin, you're gonna have to quit your job.
You're gonna be a big star.
Here's a tape of tonight's show.
Listen to it when you
get a chance, alright?
Why thanks, Kate, what
happened to your face?
That idiot, baroni.
He can't do anything right, nothing!
Oh, I'm sorry. - Yeah.
Kate, how did you know
I was the unknown comic?
Kid, IT's my business to know my clients,
you know what I mean?
See ya around. - All right, bye!
Hey, remember me, Toni baroni?
You wanted a bag?
Here, so I got a bag.
You want jokes, I'll give ya fucking jokes.
Why'd the monkey fall from the tree?
He was fucking dead, right?
I got all kinds.
What do you call a short stick?
Why do you want from me already?
You guys didn't see another
police officer around did ya?
No, I haven't seen anybody.
Kent, come on!
Kent!
Where the hell could he be?
Oh hi, Melvin.
I was just taking a little nap.
Yeah, just taking a nap.
That's it, nap. - Napping.
Yeah, me too.
Taking a nap too.
How can anyone take a nap
with all this funny noise?
So you were a big hit at
the comedy and magic club?
Now your manager has so
many things happening,
you can give up your job.
You're gonna make a pile of money.
And you'll move into Beverly Hills.
Anyplace is better than
the back seat of my car.
It wasn't that great.
Edith didn't show.
And you'll never guess what happened.
You found out Edith's allergic to paper.
No, after the show we got this call
to investigate a peeping Tom.
Hubba, hubba, hubba, hubba.
So we snuck up on the culprit
and beat the crap out of the fat slob.
You see, US police are
expertly trained in kung fu.
Owl!
Anything you say can and
will be held against you.
Liz Taylor, Michael
Jackson, Richard Simmons.
Shit!
How about boy George?
Go check on the girl.
I'll take care of this guy.
Are you really the police? - Yes, I am.
Okay, but you just can't be too sure.
Edith!
Well, how did you know my name is Edith?
We never met before.
You see, my sister's name is Edith
you have no
idea how terrified I was.
It was awful!
He just kept staring at
me through that window.
This window here. - Yes.
Did he see anything? - He saw everything.
Can you describe exactly what happened?
Well, I was getting ready for bed.
I was really tired.
I started to take off my bathrobe.
Uh, robe.
And then I took my stockings off.
Oh, and then I remembered I
couldn't wait to get my bra off.
Oh, feels so good!
God, I have nice tits! - Oh my!
Then I got up to take these off.
That's when I noticed him, that pervert!
Staring at me through the
window with those binoculars.
Yeah, well what did he do next?
I mean can you identify these
here as being the binoculars
that the pervert was using?
Yeah, I'm sure.
These are them, okay, okay, fine.
God, it makes me so angry!
Well, you're beautiful when you're angry.
God, I don't understand you men.
It just makes me want to puke!
Yeah, well, what kind of men do you like?
- Are you getting this down?
- Yes, took off robe.
Well, I'm dating a nightclub owner.
His name is Tex.
Tex, you're dating Tex?
You know Tex?
No, my brother's name is Tex.
Well, he's a nice guy.
He buys nice things, takes me nice places.
Do you know who I'm really mad about?
No, who?
The unknown comic.
He's hot!
He makes me horny because
he's gonna be rich.
Oh, does he like you?
Of course he does, who wouldn't?
And as soon as I can figure
out what to do with Tex,
the unknown comic will be all mine!
Well, does Tex know that
you know the unknown comic?
Sure, he does.
He even bet me a diamond
bracelet I couldn't find out
what was under that bag.
But I'm gonna find out what's
under that bag and that bag.
Owl!
No matter what I have to do.
Oh!
Let go of Mel!
I'm gonna kick you in the balls!
Who do you think you're dealing with?
Let go of Mel
I want a lawyer!
I want him now! - Let's go!
I've got rights! - Come on!
You don't know who I am,
I'm a famous movie star!
Hey, great buns! - I've seen better.
Get off me! - Let's go!
I've got rights, let go of me!
I'll file a report, you book the pervert.
Alright, Kent.
Hey, Melvin, what are
you bringing him in for?
Shame on you, peeking
through windows like that!
See anything good?
I've seen better.
You wouldn't believe what this slime did.
Stabbed his own mother
with a barbecue fork.
Then I tried to put the
cuffs on him, he socks me.
So I booked him on a 504 and a 316.
What's that?
Cop socking and mother forking.
Hey, margowitz, what are you
bringing your guy in for?
604. - What's that?
Armed robbery. - Yo, geez.
Randy, got another cat burglar, huh?
Stop or I'll shoot!
Why did they keep my shoelaces?
Common procedure when you're booked.
We don't want anyone hanging themselves.
Booked, you're not going
to put me in a cell
with one of those hardened and
dangerous criminals are you?
Don't worry about that.
We'll find you a safe cell.
Hey, what are you in here for?
Just because I killed myself
aberrant, a degenerate!
I killed three of them before they cut me.
I got one and I broke his fingers
and squashed his head in a vice.
And the second one, I got
a three pound chicken
and I stuffed it in his...
When I get out of here,
I'm gonna do something!
Maybe we better
find you another cell.
Why?
I like him, he was nice.
Alright, you guys,
this here's a peeping Tom.
Any of you guys object
to that sort of a crime?
Hell, no.
Looks like you needed
the excitement, huh?
See. - Yeah, they got me in here
for having sex with a girl under 18.
There's nothing wrong with that.
Is there guys?
No, there's nothing like
a couple of 13 year olds to play with.
I'm in here for exposing
myself in the park.
There's nothing wrong with
that, is there fellas?
Hell, no.
You were just giving them a treat.
Sounds like fun to me.
They got me here for doing porno films.
Now, ya'll would like to do
porno films wouldn't ya?
We'd all like to be free
enough to do porno films.
Can I get his autograph?
As long as you're all
letting it hang out,
when I was a kid I'd go
to the fields, you know,
and I'd make it with a sheep.
Aw, man that's sick! - Hey, you're sick!
That's sick, you got a problem man!
I guess everybody's done that
at one time or another, right?
Just get out, man! - You're horrible!
Get out of here!
I booked you in Vegas a week from Friday.
Vegas?
Well, that's great, Kate!
But wait, I still have two
weeks left on my police job.
No, I booked you on your day off.
IT's just a one night gig.
You know, they want to see
how you do in the big room.
They're not sure a guy
with a bag over his head
can pull it off.
What do you think?
You think we can pull it off?
Pull it off?
I've hired a choreographer,
conductor, singers, dancers,
everything, I mean this is the big time!
This is great!
This is too good to be true!
Thanks, Kate.
Bye!
Bye, kid!
Melvin, is it true?
Is what true?
Captain Lewis got a phone call earlier
linking you with the bag man!
I overheard him saying he was
gonna inspect your locker.
So I rushed over there first.
Melvin, I found over 50 paper bags!
I put them in my desk.
Well, that's what happened to them!
You know, I was wondering
what happened to those bags.
See, I've been collecting those bags
as evidence against the bag man.
I am this close to breaking that case.
I know you're such a good person.
You wouldn't hurt a fly.
Well, you're a good person.
Of course I am and
you've got good instincts.
You gotta believe in them.
'Cause I am a good person.
I am honest. - I believe you.
You're a good guy, sue.
Sometime we oughta go somewhere
and just have some fun.
Yeah?
Yeah, maybe we could go to
my apartment and vacuum it.
Oh, that sounds great!
Yeah.
Hey listen, next week is my birthday
and I heard that the unknown comic
is gonna be playing in Las Vegas
so as a treat to myself I
was gonna go down there
and being that I make out your schedule,
I know you're not working next Friday
so maybe you'd like to join me?
No, you see I couldn't.
You see, well to tell you the truth,
I'm sort of seeing someone else.
She's a knockout too.
Her name is Edith.
She's got long, blond hair,
you know and sometime maybe the three of US
we can go bowling.
Who am I kidding?
She's not the bowling type.
She's not a buddy like you are.
We'll get together sometime soon.
We'll go out somewhere just
the three of US, okay?
I'll see ya later.
Yes, I'm tense.
Of course I'm tense.
Tonight's my big night in Vegas.
I hope that bag man
doesn't Rob another bar.
Everybody thinks IT's me.
I'm not even sure IT's not Mel
do you think IT's me?
Do you think I'm crazy?
Am I schizophrenic?
Help me, doc, you gotta help me!
What do you think?
I think we came over on different ships,
but we're in the same boat now.
I don't understand, doc. - Never mind.
Have a great time in Vegas.
IT's a great Marquis, Kate.
I don't believe it.
They forgot my name.
You have me to thank for everything.
Oh, and don't forget the
party in the suite tomorrow.
Yeah, but where's my name?
I don't see my name up there.
Where's my name?
Ladies and
gentlemen, the unknown comic.
All right, keep that applause
going for the baguettes,
ladies and gentlemen!
My first night in Las Vegas.
Already I got 14 girls in
the sack with me, right?
I'd like to introduce my
parents in the audience.
All the way from Sacramento, Mr.
and Mrs. Bagovich.
Ma and pa bagovich!
And also in the audience,
they just flew in all the way from Baghdad,
my grandparents, grandma and grandpa.
Stand up and take a bow.
There they are, ladies and gentlemen.
Grandma and grandpa!
You don't know me, do you?
That's why I carry this.
That's right, my American express card.
Gets me into any restaurant in the country.
I just go at three in the
morning after they've closed
and stick it in between
the door and the lock.
How are the new dolls?
Terrific, absolutely terrific!
There he is, you're funny.
Oh, thanks bud.
We had a meeting with the board
of directors this morning
and I'd like to offer you a
contract with the hotel.
You know it all started
when I was a little kid.
I always wanted to be funny.
You're not making my job any easier!
Why don't you go talk to the press people
and I'll explain to Mr.
Egglash you're booked solid
and you need a lot of money.
Alright, nice meeting you mister.
Yes, it was nice to meet you.
You too, bye-bye.
Can I get an interview here?
Just one minute.
You have any money on you?
Do you have any plans to do a movie?
Yeah, I'd love to do a
porno movie, you kidding?
Hello. - Edith!
Well, I thought your show
was dynamite last night.
I want you to know, I
know about you and Tex.
Well, then I guess I better tell you,
you see Tex is in deep shit with the IRS.
He feels you're the only
one that can help him.
He wants you to do a benefit
performance at the club.
Yeah?
Why don't you take that bag
off when I'm talking to you?
Anyway, I've been waiting so long
for you and I to be together, haven't you?
Aren't you worried Tex
will find out about US?
Well, he never found
out about the others.
Mmm, oh shit!
Goddamn fucking glass!
My dress is all wet!
Give me a hand here will ya
before I rip your sack off!
No. - Make me want to puke!
Excuse me, Mr. Unknown comic,
I saw your show last night.
It was really terrific.
Could I get your autograph? - Of course.
Excuse me, you're interrupting US!
Why don't you take your
tits and ass and get lost!
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to interrupt anything.
IT's okay, she's just a fan.
Hey!
I thought we had something going here
until this dumb bitch showed up.
Uh-oh.
You can talk about my tits
and you can talk about my ass.
Oh no. - But don't ever call me dumb!
Oh.
Hey, I hope you can swim.
- I apologize!
- You should be a stunt woman.
Help! - I'll save you?
Get the fuck out of here!
You really showed her.
I love that dress you're wearing.
Oh, that's nice.
I never knew
you had such big tits.
Well, I think you're really terrific,
but I have a boyfriend, although,
he doesn't seem to know I exist.
What an idiot this guy must be.
Well, his name is Melvin
and by the way I'm sue.
Do you think you can make
that out to both of US,
I hope that you're not mad at me
and I'm really sorry about your girlfriend.
Oh no, IT's alright.
Oh, Edith. - Edith!
Do me a favor and
set up a benefit performance
at Tex's comedy club?
Alright, alright!
But I want to tell you something.
The bag man just committed another robbery
and you're the prime suspect!
That's right!
You sure are bag face!
But I assured the captain
that you were with me
during the robberies, okay?
And the captain and I are gonna have dinner
tonight and discuss it.
So tell me, captain, how
long have you secretly
been the head of the FBI and the CIA?
Calling all cars, calling all cars.
Be on the lookout for the bag man.
The captain received another anonymous tip
reporting him in our precinct.
Be on the alert.
If we're sent to the unknown
comic benefit show tonight,
you don't mind if I wait
outside again do ya?
Oh no, no problem.
Go right ahead. - Great.
Car 86, report to 714 conch street.
Transvestite disturbing the peace.
10-4. - Here we go.
Oh yeah, baby,
baby, right on me!
Baby, sit on me!
Shoot me, shoot me!
Boy, people are really
strange this time of night.
No, they're not! - Yeah, they are.
No, they're not! - Yeah they are.
No, they're not! - Yeah, they are.
Not! - Hey man,
car 86, report to 917 oshgo Avenue.
Dope deal in progress, report armed.
Suspects are armed and dangerous.
Repeat, armed and dangerous.
Melvin, be careful!
They're armed and dangerous!
Alright, everybody, this is a bust!
No, this is a bust. - Oh, she's right.
What you got in your hand there?
IT's a joint!
No, babe, this is a joint.
Let me see if that's in order.
That marijuana?
I've never tried this before.
Pull it in man. - Ooh, ooh.
Ooh, is that the marijuana you think?
I don't know man, could be.
Oh, suck on it. - Flavor to it.
IT's making me cough!
Feels interesting. - Oh, I'm horny!
Oh I don't feel anything, do you?
Well I feel all right.
Holy cow, oh, no offense.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, oh you got a beard!
I didn't even see the beard!
Did you see that!
I've never seen it either!
He's got no hair on his chest.
I don't feel a thing,
to tell you the truth.
Except maybe a little hungry.
Oh yeah look at this!
Oh wow!
10 for a dollar!
Melvin, Melvin come in!
Are you okay? - How many do you want?
I'll take whatever you got.
Sue, sue, come in sue!
Sue, one Adam 12!
Hey these things,
these razors they'll
give you a close shave.
You want a close shave,
I'll give you a close shave!
Listen you clowns, I just
received another anonymous tip
that the next bar to be
robbed by this bag man
is Leroy a go-go, a black
club over on carver.
You guys are gonna report
as undercover policemen.
Undercover? - Yes, undercover!
When do we report? - Right now!
You don't have much time!
10-4, 10-4, captain and Roger and out.
Okay, bye!
Yeah and one more
thing, today is my birthday!
Oh, but captain your
birthday was last month!
Are you calling me a liar?
Why, that was really nice of those guys
to switch outfits with US, wasn't it?
Yeah, you didn't forget to
bring your weapon did you?
Forget my weapon?
No, no, I traded it for this radio!
Be cool, be cool man.
Pardon me, gentlemen.
Do you have reservations?
We're undercover, police.
Well, okay just don't
cause any commotion.
Blend in, we don't want to be noticed.
Right.
I feel good, I feel good!
Give me five brother, give
me five, let me get five!
Hey what's happening momma!
I feel good tonight, feel real good.
Look bad, but I feel good.
I can dig it, you can dig it.
Can you dig it?
Maybe not.
Hey, bro, what's happening?
I beg your pardon sir.
Are you speaking to me?
Groovy place you guys got here.
Hey, bro how's it hanging?
Hey, white man, you ever
heard of black power?
Oh yeah, use it in my kitchen
get rid of those bugs, great stuff.
Bartender...
What'll you have, copper?
Give me a scotch on the
rocks and hurry please.
Warm in here.
Oh, could I get another ice cube please?
Maybe not.
I gotta go pee anyway.
Potty, piss, I gotta go potty.
Kent, I'm going to the bathroom.
Go ahead, just watch it. - Right on!
Hey, you live around here?
Hey, everybody this is a stick-up!
Don't anybody move!
You, buckwheat, get all
the money in this bag.
Uh-uh, copper!
Don't move that hand or I'll blow it off!
Come on you, move it, move it!
I want all the tips too!
Come on, hurry up!
Come on, four eyes!
Good!
I've got a joke for you that
will make your hair curl.
Ah, you already heard it.
I guess the only credit card
this club takes is massacharge.
Get it, massacharge!
Don't worry everybody I'm the police!
Hey man, what's happening baby?
Hey, what are
you doing in Hollywood?
Oh that's great, I see
your momma at the store, man.
Hey, what happened?
What happened, I'll
tell you what happened.
Bag man just robbed this place.
What?
Yeah, you were in the bathroom.
Then the bag man leaves and
you come out of the bathroom.
What a coincidence!
Captain Lewis told me he suspected you.
Let me see your neck!
Why?
Just as I suspected.
What?
Paper cuts!
As far as I'm concerned,
you're my number one suspect.
What were you doing in that bathroom?
Number two.
Okay, you're my number two suspect.
You two guys really screwed
it up didn't ya, huh?
I'm gonna give you one more chance.
We'll go to the comedy cabaret
and we're gonna find out once and for all,
if the unknown comic is really the bag man
or if you are the unknown comic
or if maybe the bag man is you
or the unknown comic is the bag man
or if you're not the unknown comic
and you're not the bag man
then we're gonna go over and find out.
Hey look out!
Look at these funny looking guys.
What are they doing here, hey!
Captain, come
on, let me help you out.
Take this, kid, pull around the corner.
We don't want to arouse any suspicion.
Yes sir!
Who's the owner of this place?
I am.
What seems to be the trouble, officer?
No trouble at all.
We're just gonna find out
if the unknown comic is really a comic.
Who are these two idiots?
We're also undercover police officers.
I hope someone uncovers
the unknown comic soon.
IT's almost showtime and
he hasn't showed up yet.
We want a few words
with him after the show.
Well, I wouldn't be too hard on him.
He probably has a pretty good excuse.
It'll be very interesting to find out
if the unknown comic shows up at all.
Right, Melvin?
Right, captain. - Hi Kent.
I gotta go to the bar and mingle.
Let me check your doll. - Put me down!
Get out of here!
And Melvin, you stay right there!
Don't you move!
And Tex, you keep an eye on Melvin!
Captain Lewis you said you
were gonna call me last night
and you didn't, were you lying?
If I lied to you, may the
lord take my voice away!
Wait a sec, drink this.
Those guys sure don't seem
to trust you very much.
No, they think that I know something
about this unknown comic character.
Yeah, there's been a rumor
that the unknown comic
and this bag man that's
been robbing all the bars
is one and the same.
Yeah, well I've got a
feeling neither one of them
is gonna show up tonight.
Hi, I know this is the night
you've all been waiting for.
Please welcome the unknown comic!
I've got a joke for you
that's gonna make your boobies fall off.
You already heard it!
Oh, she's pissed now!
Don't worry, I can make
your boobies seem larger.
I have small hands.
I'm telling you I just
flew in from Las Vegas.
Yeah, what a bummer.
I got airsick and nobody knew!
Some of you suckers are
holding in your laughs.
Don't do that folks, it creates gas.
That's right, everybody give me an h.
H!
Give me an Al - Al
give me an h! - Hi!
Give me an Al - Al
what's it spell? - Haha!
There don't you feel better?
Okay, everybody!
This is a hold up!
Nobody move a muscle.
I swear to god, I'll blow you away!
You, put all the money
in this bag right now!
Move it, now, give it to me!
You've been such a good audience,
I'd like to leave you with a joke.
How do you keep a roomful
of assholes in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow!
Unknown, darling, I've
got to talk to you.
I love you.
Don't you see we were meant or each other?
Get away from me, you slut!
I got the gun! - I got the money!
Oh no!
Hey! - Hey, what's going on here?
Hey, what's going on here,
who are these people?
Somebody farted!
All right!
Don't you make a move or
I'll blow your brains out!
I think we lost him.
No, there he is!
Come on!
There he is!
I said hey! - Hey!
I said ho! - Ho!
I said hey! - Hey!
Ho! - Ho!
Hey, ho! - Hey, ho!
Now I gotcha!
I'll kill ya!
Okay, but which way did he go?
I thought I saw the scumbag go this way.
Yeah, hey, you know IT's true...
- Hey baby check this out!
- Denise give him the town!
What the hell, hey, help!
Alright, you got me.
You're the big man.
You've got the gun.
Go ahead, shoot me!
Shoot me you coward!
You lowlife!
You scumbags!
Give him your gun.
I'm not gonna give him my gun.
Give him your gun!
Who the hell do you think you are anyway?
Clint Eastwood?
Make my night!
Come on, quit pissing around!
Let's get to it!
Dr. Ziegler!
I think he's dead!
You could have killed me!
Get of him, get off him!
So that explains all those
anonymous phone calls.
But why?
No offense, Melvin.
Just a little bored.
I needed the money.
You two know each other?
Yeah, but he didn't know
that I know he's the unknown comic.
Wait a minute, we just
left the unknown comic
at the stage at the comedy cabaret.
If that's the unknown comic and I'm here
then who the hell is that guy?
Oh oh, hold it, hold it.
I'm going that way, that
way, over this way!
Get a statement from
these guys right here.
I'll get on that statement.
Captain Lewis, we caught the bag man!
Huh? - Good.
What happened to the unknown comic?
I don't know. - Oh, there he is!
What size bag was it, ma'am?
Excuse me, out of my way!
Come on, I've got you now!
Alright, let's see who you are!
Sue! - Melvin.
But why?
Melvin, I was just trying to help you.
When I heard that captain
Lewis was gonna be
watching you so closely,
I knew you couldn't change
into the unknown comic.
But my voice, how did you do my voice?
Oh, that was easy.
I found a tape when I was
going through your locker
of your act and so I put it
on the backstage microphone.
And nobody could see my
mouth moving under the bag,
so I just jumped around on stage.
What a great idea!
I could franchise the unknown
comic and make a fortune!
Melvin! - Oh sue!
Oh Melvin! - Oh sue!
Oh Melvin!
Wait a minute, you've got an act to finish!
We can't make love like this anymore!
Finish the job!
Hey, like Robert De
Niro says, "oh, oh yeah!"
Get down there you little cutie!
Way down there! - I'm going baby!
I don't believe it!
Are you calling me a liar?
Mark! - And action!
Captain, uh, shit! - Captain shit.
Start. - I thought you're naming
the captain Kent, first step, action.
We're coming.
Captain, uh, Kent Lane not reporting.
IT's captain Kent Lane.
Marker. - And action!
Oh, hi, sue! - Again.
And action! - Oh, hi, sue!
Melvin! - Again, do it again.
Action. - Oh, hi, sue!
Don't look up, yeah down.
Okay come in again and action!
Oh hi, sue!
Melvin, is it true?
About the size of my dick?
IT's my business to know, kid.
Hey, uh...
Hey you, Tex, come here!
Hey, pull over!
Stop the vehicle, pull over now!
Are you crazy?
Oh, I see, alright forget it.
I lost my pencil.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, first of all your trunk was open.
Do you want to come back here a minute?
No. - Please.
Problem?
I think IT's a little obvious, don't you?
Look, your latch is broken.
That's why the trunk won't close.
See, IT's all inside here.
All the tumblers are busted.
I'm sorry.
Oh, and these things are all
sticking out, look at that.
And this here, there we go.
I'm sorry, all right?
Well, you should be.
Now, are you also aware
that you made an illegal u-turn?
That makes sense.
Well, I'm gonna have to give you
a warning anyway now.
May I see your driver's license?
Okay, okay, okay, that makes sense too.
Well, what about your
ownership papers on the car?
You have those with you?
Alright, okay, okay that
makes sense, alright.
Well, I'm gonna have to
give you a citation anyway.
Sign right here, okay?
Alright.
Huh, oh.
All right, Mr. Capricorn,
okay, well, there you go.
Let me get you back in the car now.
Watch your head.
Watch your head!
There we go.
Hey, and drive carefully.
Those kids on the road could be yours.
Why's that?
Mmm, mmm, ah, my heart!
My heart, ah!
Ooh, yeah baby!
Oh, shit!
I got me a wallet!
Woo, we eat tonight!
After a bathroom.
Oh, hey, hold it!
What's the matter here?
You dropped your wallet.
Oh, thank you cop, thank
you, keep in touch.
Have a nice day!
Hey, Tyrone!
Cootchie coo!
Ugh!
Ooh, hey!
Oh no, no, oh!
Hey, bud, your fly's down.
- Oh, yeah, hey so is yours.
- Yeah, thanks, alright, cool.
Ouch, shit!
Hey, come on buddy.
You gotta move, come on.
Come on, let's go.
Hey, come on, you're not allowed
to sleep in the park now.
Let's go, buddy!
Hey, pal, come on!
Hey, you okay?
Hey buddy, come on!
Oh shit!
Oh, my god he...
Let me see.
Oh, gosh.
Oh, all right.
Hey, thanks buddy!
Alright, come on kids!
Follow the leader, let's go!
Come on, let's go!
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
- Mister, I found your gun!
- Alright, get over there!
All right, all right,
come here, sweetheart.
Come on!
Come here!
No!
Come on sweetheart, darling.
Let's go, come on, we have to go!
Honey, come on!
Come on, you have to
come across the street.
Ow, ooh, ow, no, no!
Come here, eh!
No, come on, sweetie.
Ouch!
Ooh, ow!
Oh no, ow, ooh, sheesh!
Come on, let's go!
Come here now!
Come on!
Come here, come here!
Come on now, come on.
Now, give me that apple
and get out of here.
Go ahead.
I don't want you on my property!
Get out of here, beat it!
Alright, leave me alone!
Hey, hey, I sure would like
to get into your underwear.
Yeah, well I already got
an asshole in my underwear
and I don't need another one!
So get lost! - Hey Melvin, you missed one.
Are you crazy,
go home and try that trick on your pet.
Hey Melvin, thanks for getting me
out of jail last week.
Well sure, but
I've only got a dollar.
What do you do? - I'm an actor.
Where do you work?
I'm the girl that works
with Paramount all day
and fox all night.
Two for one sale, two for one.
Two for one. - Credit cards for me.
But at those amounts
to charge the visa.
Hey, hey, what's going on down there?
Hey, you guys can't do that!
Hey, you guys are in a lot of trouble now!
No cockfighting allowed in this town!
You're all in a lot, hey,
here, i'm, hey what the?
This is no good, you're
all in a lot of trouble!
I've got 10 bucks on
you get back in there.
Come on, get back in there
and get him you bitch!
Get it!
Keep it down and keep it dirty.
Okay, I'm gonna let you
get away with it this time,
but don't you ever let me
catch any of you here again!
You got that!
I been coming here
everyday for three months.
That's probably why your wife left you.
Anybody gave last week? - Shit.
Excuse me, miss, you
shouldn't be in this line.
539, man in trouble at 1545 venice drive,
code 17, victim shot 15 times
in head, says he needs help.
All cars in the Hollywood area,
counterfeit bills being circulated,
be careful in accepting bribes.
Car 63, report immediately
to first savings at second Avenue
and third street in the fourth precinct.
Five hold-up men have six
employees and seven customers.
There's a bomb set to
go off in eight seconds
and you are about nine blocks away.
Car 63, never mind!
Car 86, come in please.
Ah ah ah!
Car 86, where are you?
Car 86 reporting.
Ah yes, captain Lewis wants you
to report to his office immediately.
Roger, 10-4 and out.
Ooh! - I said now, Ken,
the girl can wait!
This coffee is great, sue.
Oh, hi, Melvin, how are you?
Fine, except I'm a little late.
Yes, you're late with your
appointment for captain Lewis,
but IT's okay, I covered for you.
Oh, thanks.
I told him you slept in.
Is captain Lewis upset?
No. - Oh good.
He's furious.
Maybe I should come
back when he's not busy.
Oh, no, no, no!
I told him I'd send you in
as soon as you got here.
But IT's okay, his bark is
a lot worse than his bite.
Here, you can finish
the rest of this, okay?
Oh, okay.
I've been hearing that you
tell people that I tell lies!
Oh, you heard wrong, sir.
I heard what wrong?
That what you heard about me
telling people you tell lies,
you heard wrong.
What I heard about people
telling lies you heard wrong?
What?
Well, what you heard about
me telling people you
tell lies you heard wrong, sir!
That's why you're getting a promotion.
You mean I'll be getting
that desk job I've been wanting, sir?
Even better, even better.
You're gonna be getting night patrol.
Night patrol, sir?
And with it you get a car
and a partner and a raise.
A car, a partner, and a raise, sir?
I said you get a car and a partner.
I didn't say anything about a raise, did I?
No, sir, nothing about
a raise, nothing sir!
Now I want you to meet your new partner.
He's from a new precinct.
Miss perman, is Kent Lane here yet?
Yes, he is sir! - Yes he is sir, what?
Yes, he is sir, sir! - Good, send him in!
Patrolman Kent Lane reporting, sir.
Oh, I see you met miss perman.
Yes, sue perman and I are
old friends, aren't we?
Yes, I've known you since
you were a clerk, Kent.
Well, I'm your captain Lewis, Lane
and this is your new partner, Melvin white.
How do you do?
And has sue already made
out our schedules, sir?
No, no, but she will plan it daily.
Yes, I will and, sir,
will you be holding
inspection this evening, sir?
Nah, nah.
I don't want anymore of that crap tonight.
Sir, please don't use those words.
Crap tonight?
What's the matter, sue perman?
My language a little too rough for you?
Crap tonight, crap tonight!
Sir, those words make me
feel weak and helpless.
Alright, I want you two go
and get a good night's sleep
and be back here for
inspection at six o'clock.
The inspection is generally
at five o'clock, sir.
Are you calling me a liar too?
No, then inspection will be at six.
No, I said the
inspection is at five o'clock!
Now, dismissed!
So inspection's at six, sir?
Right!
You'll never guess what
happened to me, sue.
You got a promotion, fancy new partner,
and you got a car.
Well how did you know?
Let's just say a little bird told me.
But he didn't get a raise.
Aw, no raise!
Oh, that's too bad.
But you know, Melvin,
the way you treat people
with love and respect...
What I was really
hoping for was a desk job
that would keep my evenings free.
What's the matter that you
don't wanna work at night?
You're not moonlighting, are ya?
Somebody moonlighting?
No, no, captain!
Are you calling me a liar? - No, sir!
You see I'm working on this
novel about police work
and I work much better in the evenings.
You see, I went to night school.
Oh well, Melvin, I
hope that you finish it
'cause you're such a wonderful human being
and a sincere person.
You know, you're either
a fool or you're stupid.
That girl back there really likes you.
Sue likes me?
I don't think so.
Sure she does.
IT's written all over her face.
I notice that whenever she's around you,
can't keep her eyes off you.
Not even to look at me,
which is incredible.
For a while I though she
was some sort of a dyke.
You know what you ought to do?
You ought to jump on officer Judy.
Officer Judy, you mean with...
Yeah, I was with her all last night.
Oh yeah?
Fucked her brains out.
Shh, here she comes now.
Oh, hi, Judy!
IT's gonna be okay.
IT's gonna be alright.
You don't have a thing to worry about.
I've got new evidence.
We're gonna get you a new trial.
I'm gonna get you a new deal.
Judge is a friend of mine.
Meantime, if you get the
chance, try to escape.
Let's go!
Alright, you guys,
prepare for inspection!
Attention!
He's not
gonna fart again, is he?
Alright, officers.
I want to clean up this city.
Prostitution is running rampant.
And I want to drive every
hooker out of this town.
Now, I want you to be extra
careful for the next 24 hours
because I'm leaving town
and I'm going to a police
convention in Las Vegas.
Officers seven and nine? - Yes, sir!
Take the Hollywood area. - Yes, sir!
Officers three and five? - Yes, sir!
Chinatown. - Yes, sir!
Officers two and six? - Yes, sir!
The beach. - Yes, sir!
And officers four and one?
Officers four and one?
Always want to go there, I
don't like it there anymore.
But those guys... - Are you one?
Ooh, yes, I'm one, are you one too?
Well, if you're one,
then you must be four.
I'm for whatever he's for.
Thank you!
Alright, you guys take the park.
Ooh, that means we get
to wear our dresses!
I'll wear my Bob mackie. - You would!
And don't wear your chiffon
because it just doesn't match your eyes.
He's right.
And be sure you
catch the purse snatcher.
Ooh, we almost caught him in
a park just the other night.
But he gave US the slip.
And then we followed him
all the way downtown.
And again he gave US the slip!
That's right.
He gave me a blue slip.
What color was your slip?
Mine was chartreuse.
Ooh, take my breath away!
Dismissed!
Now go get 'em tigers!
Okay, Melvin, I want you to cover for me.
I shouldn't take too long.
Wait wait, is there any chance
of you letting' me go out
there and you cover for me?
Are you crazy?
You're just a rookie.
I've been doing night
patrol now for 10 years.
Just keep your eyes peeled.
But I'll be a rookie all my life
unless you give me a chance!
Now, look, I know I can do it.
You gotta trust me, please!
Just this one time.
Okay.
Great, you won't be sorry, I swear!
Be careful. - I will.
You'll be proud of me, okay?
Before I go, let me get that straight now.
That's two jelly doughnuts,
one glazed, two coffees,
one cream, one without sugar, right?
Right. - Right!
The rough part of town.
Yeah, well you're not kidding.
Look at that over there!
You gotta pull over.
What for?
What for, that guy's parked
in front of a fire hydrant.
Oh, yeah, okay.
You don't mind me handling this, do ya?
Just be firm, okay? - Okay, great.
Now what are you doing in there?
Necking! - Yeah, well
you're gonna have to put your neck
back in your pants and go somewhere else.
Why don't you take a fuckin' hike!
Kent, he won't move the truck.
Alright, I'll take care of him.
Come on, you, get out of there!
I want you to move that truck now.
I mean now!
I said right now!
You get what I said?
I'll move, I'll move, I'm going!
I'll move the damn thing!
Shit, look out!
Oh shit!
Oh, shit, comin' back again now!
Get back!
Need reinforcements here!
We need some reinforcements!
He should be out
of bullets pretty soon!
Hey, Bubba, hit
'im with the tear gas!
Aw shit!
Code six, code six!
This is car 86 requesting a back-up unit
as soon as possible.
Let's back into this now!
Where is he?
We've got you completely surrounded.
Drop your weapon!
Oh my god, he's got a kid!
Drop 'im!
Aww, you shot the kid!
Now look what you made me do, you idiot!
You made me hit an innocent bystander!
If I was to blame, I
would admit it, okay.
IT's no big deal!
Get out of here, shoo!
Go ahead, go find your own neighborhood.
When you took over when I slipped
and I fell under the car there.
Thank you, Kent, thank you.
Melvin, you
said he was funny, huh?
How can a bag be funny?
Alright, here's a quick
impression of the first man
to land on the sun.
Ooh, shit!
All right, hold just a second,
my socks are coming down.
Yes, yes, yes, you're a
police officer during the day,
but at night you put this bag on your head
and tell jokes in nightclubs
because you enjoy making
people laugh, is that right?
Right.
You needed a disguise because
as a police officer you'd lose your job
if they found out you were
moonlighting, is that right?
Uh huh. - Don't you think
this is kind of a cop out?
Hey, that's kind of a good joke.
You could use that in your act.
I'm so confused.
I can't decide whether to quit
show business or police work.
And to make matters worse,
I've fallen in love.
I feel something when you're
here in the office too.
Chemistry I don't feel with
my other male patients.
No, not you, a girl.
She was beautiful.
Somehow I managed to get her attention.
God, you're beautiful!
I got a lot of money here.
I'd like to take you up to my apartment
and show you some of my etchings.
What's your name? - Edith.
Edith, Edith what? - Edith hutton.
How about joining me for a drink?
Well, Edith hutton says...
Fuck off!
Ow, ow, ow!
Ow ow ow, Jesus!
Ow, my balls, my balls!
My tits are numb too.
A message from miss Parker. - Thank you.
How ya doin?
I caught your act, kid.
I think you're great!
Listen, my name is Kate Parker.
I'd like to handle you
'cause I think you've got
what it takes to go all the way.
You do?
All you have to do is listen to me.
Some of the biggest comedians
in the business listen to me.
Ever hear of Don rickles?
No. - He listened to me.
Steve Martin? - No.
He listened to me, Charles Bronson?
I don't think so.
Well, he didn't listen to me.
Look, I can have you on all
the top TV talk shows in town
and have you working in
Vegas in six months.
How much did Tex pay you?
He gave me a thousand.
Oh, come on, kid.
He gave you 25 and you're good
so he offered you 35 for next time, right?
How did you know?
IT's my business to know, kid.
Hey, Tex, come here!
Hi, Tex. - Yeah, Kate.
Listen, sweetie, I think
this kid is super talented
so I'm gonna be bringing a lot of people.
They'll be drinkin' a lot of your booze.
So how about paying him 50 bucks next time?
Anything for you, babe.
Thanks, Kate! - You know me, Tony baroni?
Look, I'm lookin' for a manager, you know?
Your act sucks, kid, beat it.
Maybe you didn't see the face.
That's what it must be right?
Go away!
You're making a big mistake.
Anyway, stick with me, kid,
and I'll have ya wearin' a Gucci bag.
Can you believe it, doc?
I met a gorgeous girl named
Edith and a manager named Kate,
who wants to make me a star.
What do you think will happen next?
I predict that you will
have your Kate and Edith too.
Ah, yourself!
I have another very important prediction.
Oh yeah?
What is it doc?
I'm sorry your time's up.
Calling all cars, calling all cars.
Be on the lookout for anything suspicious.
I'd say we're in for
a rough night tonight.
Yeah, why?
Well, look there's a full moon.
Up against the wall!
This is the toughest part of town.
We got gangs, pimps, porno
shops, x-rated movies.
Just keep your eyes open
for anything suspicious.
Help! Help!
Somebody help me!
You ever seen an x-rated movie, huh?
Eh, I went one time.
It was really disgusting, though.
Finally left after about eight hours.
Besides the screen was
beginning to irritate my nose.
Oh, Kent, remember when captain Lewis said
he was gonna drive all the
prostitutes out of town?
Yeah.
Well, there he is!
And he's driving a whole bunch of them
out of town right now!
Geez.
Car 86, robbery in progress
at Sampson bar and grill, 155
Johnson street, code three.
10-4.
Okay, let's go, let's go!
Let's get out of here.
Nobody here, okay, I'm gonna
go talk to the owner.
You check for witnesses.
Okay.
Oh, Kent, I think I killed
an innocent bystander.
IT's alright, calm down.
Just tell US what happened.
Just take it easy, no need for that, okay.
He must have gotten
away with over $2,000.
Tuesday night's our big night
with choir practice next door.
Any description?
Write this down, Melvin.
That's no problem.
He was wearing a tan jacket,
brown pants, and judo shoes.
Any distinguishing features
like a tattoo, mustache?
A zit, cold sore?
Oh yeah, there was one more thing.
He was wearing a bag over his head.
Bag over his head.
Yeah, except he had
two holes for his eyes
and one hole for his mouth
and he kept telling jokes!
Jokes!
What kind of jokes?
How do you get a witch pregnant?
I don't know, how do you
make a witch pregnant?
You fuck her.
I mean, I don't... - That's not funny.
I know.
Yes, it is. - Maybe it is, doc.
Someone's setting me up.
Can you believe it?
Somebody's robbing bars
with a bag on his head.
Do you think your family didn't like you?
Yes.
When I was a kid, my mother
used to scream at me
well, tomorrow night's your big chance.
And a lot of big bookers will be there.
I hope they won't be hard on me.
As funny as a hemorrhoid.
So Julia child has the show on pbs?
The show is... - This guy sucks!
Thank you, thank you.
IT's been swell knowing you.
Get off the stage!
Her pbs show gets canceled.
Hey, you got five minutes, kid!
No pressure.
I mean it, I promise.
No pressure, I really believe in you.
No pressure, don't be nervous.
I have about a million
butterflies in my stomach.
Here, take these. - Mmm, what are they?
Mothballs.
Boy, your career is really on the rise.
We're gonna get into bumper
stickers and posters
and t-shirts, everything!
'Cause after tonight, kid,
you're gonna be the most
known unknown comic.
Ooh, you really think so, Kate?
Guess who?
I don't believe this guy!
He's nuts.
He follows me around all the
time, auditioning for me
and he can't do anything right!
He's a real no talent.
I also do ed Sullivan!
Hey, we got a great fuckin'
show for you to see tonight.
What do you think of that?
You've been a great audience tonight.
Remember to continue to
be a great audience.
We have a new comedian coming up.
I'm sure you're all gonna love him.
Thank you, once again.
Please welcome the unknown comic!
Alright, what a crowd!
What an audience!
All right, woo hoo!
Okay, I'm telling you, I
just flew in from Las Vegas.
What a bummer, I got
airsick and nobody knew!
Yo yeah, got me staying
at the Sahara hotel.
What a weird hotel!
I call the desk clerk tell
him I got a leak in my sink.
Yeah, things have been pretty good, though.
I just moved into an apartment over a bank,
which is great 'cause now my ass sits
over 10 million dollars!
Boy, you people have amazing control!
Yeah, I got a joke for you
that's gonna make your boobies fall off.
Oh, you already heard it.
I'm just kidding.
Actually, I can make your
boobies seem larger.
I have small hands.
What do you call a nurse
with dirt on her knees?
The head nurse.
Why does a dog lick his groin?
'Cause he can!
Okay, why is pubic hair curly?
So it doesn't poke your eyes out.
What do you call a hundred
cows masturbating?
One more, what has three balls
and comes from outer space?
E.t., the extra testicle!
You know why they spell sex s-e-x?
'Cause you can't spell.
Did you hear about the guy who
had herpes in his eyebrows?
Yeah, he was lookin' for love
in all the wrong places!
What's his schedule?
Two weeks, price is no object!
Kate, you told me I
could have first shot.
Hey, I'll pay whatever you want!
Whatever you want!
How 'bout a little head later?
Uh, listen, I made a
tape of tonight's show.
I want you to listen to it.
You know, it could be very helpful.
By the way, kid, you were great tonight!
They were all wacked out!
Oh, Kate, it felt like my first orgasm!
Can I have your autograph?
Oh, Edith, IT's you!
I believe you owe me a drink.
Right, a drink.
I owe her a drink, Kate.
Listen, I've got some big deals to make.
I'll talk to you later.
By the way, just remember
love comes and goes,
but herpes last forever.
Hey, wait a moment!
Bartender, one
beer and two glasses, okay?
And make sure my glass is clean.
You know, beer makes you smarter?
Really? - It made bud wiser.
Alright, which one of you
two ordered the clean glass?
I did. - Here.
I like my beer in a glass too.
I've got a cucumber I'd like to show you.
I have a bag of tricks i'd
like to show you myself.
Ooh, my motor's revving!
Oh really?
Let's go to my place
and I'll put anchovies
and cream cheese on your
body and lick it off.
I can't right now.
Okay just anchovies.
Well, you see I'm sort of with someone.
He might just pop up.
I'm popping up right now.
And I would love you to clamp your teeth
on my zipper and pull it down.
I can't, really I have to go.
What about your phone number?
Are you into phone sex?
- I don't have a phone.
- Can I drive you home?
- My car's right outside.
- What about a kiss?
Lock your lips on my love muscle.
And don't forget me!
I'll never forget you, uh uh...
Edith!
Edith, right, Edith.
Bartender, write that down.
E-d-e-e-t-h.
Oh, I guess you guys heard
that the bag man robbed another bar today!
Boy, captain Lewis is really determined
to find out who did it.
Oh, he's no more determined
than I am, believe me.
Oh, Melvin, captain Lewis
also received a report
that there's an unknown comedian
who wears a bag on his head,
who's gonna be playing
at the magic and comedy club this weekend.
He's gonna send out a detail
to investigate the suspect.
Oh, do you think there's any chance
that you can work it out
so Kent and I can go on that detail?
IT's in the bag.
The bag man robbed another bar!
The meat market saloon on Powell street!
Now get Kent and get over there right now!
Yes, sir!
Kent, you better finish
filing those reports later,
we gotta go!
The meat market
saloon on Powell street!
Yes sir, yes sir! - I can't!
Hey what's going on?
Bag man robbed another
bar over on Powell street.
No, no, meat market
saloon's on Mounthill.
Why did the captain say
IT's on Powell street?
He was lying.
Is somebody calling me a liar?
No, no, no! - Come on, let's go.
Not me, no sir!
Meat market saloon, huh?
This must be a country and western bar.
Hey. - IT's all right baby!
I don't think so.
Your face or mine? - Your face.
Let's go, come on! - Ow, not so rough!
Hey, IT's about time you pigs got here!
All right, calm down now,
nobody gets anything done
when they're excited.
Who are you telling not to get excited?
All right, back off, back off here!
He just get excited when
he sees beautiful women.
Hey! - Hey!
Who runs this place anyway?
I own the bar and if we catch
that sucker who robbed US
we're gonna turn that bag
inside out, pluck his eyes out,
stab him, shoot him, and then
tear him into little pieces
and then see how funny he is.
- How much money did he get?
- The money's not important.
All he got was a lousy 50 bucks!
It was the jokes that he told.
What jokes?
Well he asked US if
our favorite TV program
was the dyke Van dick show.
- Pretty funny.
- IT's not that funny.
Hey! - Uh-oh.
No, that is a bad joke. - Yeah, a bad joke.
That bad guy better hope that you get him
before we get him 'cause if we get him
we're gonna rip his dick off!
And then we're gonna bounce his balls
on the ground so hard that
they land on the moon
and feed what's left to the goldfish.
Now get out! - Come on, where you from?
I love it when they dominate.
A tough place huh?
Tough, wanna see tough?
See that pool table over there?
Yeah. - Got no balls.
Boy those were some pretty
scary guy, girls weren't they?
You know that tall one
gave me a real boner.
A what?
Boner, you know, boner.
What's a boner?
Well IT's a...
Well, IT's a, like a fish,
you know you debone a fish.
Oh, speaking of boners, I'm starved.
What do you say we get something to eat?
We can't eat now,
we got about 10 more minutes on this shift.
Here why don't you just finish
off this chocolate bar.
Oh, you don't mind, thanks.
No, go ahead.
Oh yeah.
Hey, Kent, haven't seen you for a while.
Why haven't you called?
Babe, I been a little busy.
I'll give you a call, don't worry.
I'm gonna go wash my fingers.
I got chocolate all over them.
I'll join you.
Gotta drain my lizard.
What? - My lizard.
What's that? - IT's like a horned toad.
See this machine here,
sells these little rubbers,
says for the prevention of disease.
Don't believe it, I wore
one for three weeks.
I got mumps.
Oh no, I got water all
over the front of my pants!
Use the blow dryer over there.
Over there, I can't
go out there like this.
Give me a hand, will ya?
Yeah, oh!
There you go, you up there? - There we go.
We better get out of here
before we get arrested.
I got some menus. - Okay.
All right. - What'll you have?
How much is coffee? - 30 cents.
Okay, a refill. - Refills are free.
Okay, give me a refill and
a slice of garlic cake.
Okay, and you?
I think I'm gonna have
the steak dinner, okay.
Soup or salad?
What kind of soup you got?
Cream of washroom.
Cream of washroom sounds good.
I'll have that.
How you want your steak?
As Ronald Reagan would say, well!
Kent!
Thanks so much for last night.
You were marvelous!
Wow!
Listen, Melvin, we been partners
for two weeks now, right?
Yeah.
And I think if we're gonna work together,
we ought to know each other.
Sure.
I got tons of girlfriends.
You got a lot of girlfriends?
Girls, uh...
You like girls don't you?
Well, yeah, of course I do!
I mean who doesn't.
Name one.
Well, Edith hutton.
Edith hutton? - You know her?
Know her, the entire Navy knows her!
Well, that's nice.
I didn't know she was so patriotic.
Look, when the FBI
looks for fingerprints,
first place they check is her body.
No kidding!
Well, what kind of girls you usually like?
I like girls that are interested
in the same things I am.
Yeah, like what? - Booze and cheap sex.
Let me tell you something, Melvin.
If you're gonna get married,
marry an ugly girl.
Ugly girl, why?
You marry a pretty one,
two weeks later she runs
off with somebody else.
Well, an ugly girl can run away too.
I know, but who gives a shit.
Whoa!
What's your thumb doing on my steak?
I didn't want to drop it again.
Look at this, I can't,
this is a dirty knife.
Let's see.
There you go.
What about my soup?
Oh yeah, soup, shit!
Wow, can you believe this place?
I believe it.
Look here in my coffee, there's a roach.
Hey busboy, look here!
There's a roach in my coffee.
Oh, that's where it went.
Wow, hey thanks man!
Here's your soup.
Now what's your big
thumb doing on my soup?
Got an infection on my thumb.
My doctor told me to keep it warm.
Why don't you take it and
shove that thumb up your ass?
I do that when
I'm back in the kitchen.
IT's not bad.
Calling car 86, car 86 come in.
Yeah, car 86 reporting.
Car 86 go to alley,
back of Blair Avenue.
There's a rape victim in need of help.
Respond, code 69.
Roger, we'll be right there.
What the hell, no tip?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh geez. - Get out of here!
Oh no! - C'mon!
There she is, Kent!
Don't worry, dear,
everything's gonna be alright.
We're the police.
Yo, sorry!
Oh officers, it was horrible!
There were three of them
and they wouldn't stop.
Three of them, what
were they gang members?
No, they were women.
But they had these guns
and whips and chains.
What did they make you do?
Well, first they made me
pull out my, pull out my,
my, you know. - Your pee-pee?
Uh-huh.
And then they made me play with it
and pull on it until 1, until I, you know.
Arrived. - Climaxed.
Climaxed. - And then what?
That's all they did?
Is that all?
They made me do it 13 times!
13 times, that's terrible!
The first couple of times were fine, but,
oh my god, I can't even walk anymore!
Strangest rape case I ever heard of.
You recognize any of them?
No I couldn't see a thing.
What do you mean you
couldn't see anything?
Well, see I had been
drinking a little bit early on
and I thought I would just come out here
and sort of sleep things off,
but the light from the lamppost
kept getting in my eyes,
so I just kind of put this
paper bag over my head.
Meat market saloon.
I would like to start off by handing out
some autographed eight by
10 pictures of myself.
Here we go, alright.
Also, got some pictures of me as a baby!
Here we go!
Stop the show, stop the show!
This man's the father of my baby!
Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute, baby.
You can't prove that!
Oh, yeah?
Mysterious! - Yeah, he's pretty cool too.
Fantastic.
Hey why don't we go to chase's
and have some chili, huh?
She's kinda bad, change her act?
Maybe he has an act.
Who, sue, well hi!
What are you doing here?
Well, I came to see the show.
Wasn't the unknown comic great?
Oh yeah, he was good.
Very good, yeah he was.
Melvin, I didn't see you anywhere.
Where were you?
I was back there.
I was all around the club,
but then I had to come out
here and patrol also.
Melvin, do you think that
maybe the unknown comic
and the bag man are maybe one and the same?
No, in fact I'm sure they're not
because I had a long talk
with the unknown comic
before his show and he can account
for every one of his whereabouts
during the time of the robberies.
Oh, good!
Melvin, I was gonna have a cup of coffee.
You want to maybe come with me?
I'd love to sue, but
IT's a, I'm still on duty
and I have to find Kent, but
sometime we'll get together,
me and you and we'll do our laundry, okay?
Okay.
Alright, I'll see ya.
Bye, Melvin. - Bye!
I hate that guy. - Excuse me, I'm sorry.
Oh, Melvin, listen great show tonight!
Great, great!
Listen, I got three new club bookings
and then something really big in the works.
Melvin, you're gonna have to quit your job.
You're gonna be a big star.
Here's a tape of tonight's show.
Listen to it when you
get a chance, alright?
Why thanks, Kate, what
happened to your face?
That idiot, baroni.
He can't do anything right, nothing!
Oh, I'm sorry. - Yeah.
Kate, how did you know
I was the unknown comic?
Kid, IT's my business to know my clients,
you know what I mean?
See ya around. - All right, bye!
Hey, remember me, Toni baroni?
You wanted a bag?
Here, so I got a bag.
You want jokes, I'll give ya fucking jokes.
Why'd the monkey fall from the tree?
He was fucking dead, right?
I got all kinds.
What do you call a short stick?
Why do you want from me already?
You guys didn't see another
police officer around did ya?
No, I haven't seen anybody.
Kent, come on!
Kent!
Where the hell could he be?
Oh hi, Melvin.
I was just taking a little nap.
Yeah, just taking a nap.
That's it, nap. - Napping.
Yeah, me too.
Taking a nap too.
How can anyone take a nap
with all this funny noise?
So you were a big hit at
the comedy and magic club?
Now your manager has so
many things happening,
you can give up your job.
You're gonna make a pile of money.
And you'll move into Beverly Hills.
Anyplace is better than
the back seat of my car.
It wasn't that great.
Edith didn't show.
And you'll never guess what happened.
You found out Edith's allergic to paper.
No, after the show we got this call
to investigate a peeping Tom.
Hubba, hubba, hubba, hubba.
So we snuck up on the culprit
and beat the crap out of the fat slob.
You see, US police are
expertly trained in kung fu.
Owl!
Anything you say can and
will be held against you.
Liz Taylor, Michael
Jackson, Richard Simmons.
Shit!
How about boy George?
Go check on the girl.
I'll take care of this guy.
Are you really the police? - Yes, I am.
Okay, but you just can't be too sure.
Edith!
Well, how did you know my name is Edith?
We never met before.
You see, my sister's name is Edith
you have no
idea how terrified I was.
It was awful!
He just kept staring at
me through that window.
This window here. - Yes.
Did he see anything? - He saw everything.
Can you describe exactly what happened?
Well, I was getting ready for bed.
I was really tired.
I started to take off my bathrobe.
Uh, robe.
And then I took my stockings off.
Oh, and then I remembered I
couldn't wait to get my bra off.
Oh, feels so good!
God, I have nice tits! - Oh my!
Then I got up to take these off.
That's when I noticed him, that pervert!
Staring at me through the
window with those binoculars.
Yeah, well what did he do next?
I mean can you identify these
here as being the binoculars
that the pervert was using?
Yeah, I'm sure.
These are them, okay, okay, fine.
God, it makes me so angry!
Well, you're beautiful when you're angry.
God, I don't understand you men.
It just makes me want to puke!
Yeah, well, what kind of men do you like?
- Are you getting this down?
- Yes, took off robe.
Well, I'm dating a nightclub owner.
His name is Tex.
Tex, you're dating Tex?
You know Tex?
No, my brother's name is Tex.
Well, he's a nice guy.
He buys nice things, takes me nice places.
Do you know who I'm really mad about?
No, who?
The unknown comic.
He's hot!
He makes me horny because
he's gonna be rich.
Oh, does he like you?
Of course he does, who wouldn't?
And as soon as I can figure
out what to do with Tex,
the unknown comic will be all mine!
Well, does Tex know that
you know the unknown comic?
Sure, he does.
He even bet me a diamond
bracelet I couldn't find out
what was under that bag.
But I'm gonna find out what's
under that bag and that bag.
Owl!
No matter what I have to do.
Oh!
Let go of Mel!
I'm gonna kick you in the balls!
Who do you think you're dealing with?
Let go of Mel
I want a lawyer!
I want him now! - Let's go!
I've got rights! - Come on!
You don't know who I am,
I'm a famous movie star!
Hey, great buns! - I've seen better.
Get off me! - Let's go!
I've got rights, let go of me!
I'll file a report, you book the pervert.
Alright, Kent.
Hey, Melvin, what are
you bringing him in for?
Shame on you, peeking
through windows like that!
See anything good?
I've seen better.
You wouldn't believe what this slime did.
Stabbed his own mother
with a barbecue fork.
Then I tried to put the
cuffs on him, he socks me.
So I booked him on a 504 and a 316.
What's that?
Cop socking and mother forking.
Hey, margowitz, what are you
bringing your guy in for?
604. - What's that?
Armed robbery. - Yo, geez.
Randy, got another cat burglar, huh?
Stop or I'll shoot!
Why did they keep my shoelaces?
Common procedure when you're booked.
We don't want anyone hanging themselves.
Booked, you're not going
to put me in a cell
with one of those hardened and
dangerous criminals are you?
Don't worry about that.
We'll find you a safe cell.
Hey, what are you in here for?
Just because I killed myself
aberrant, a degenerate!
I killed three of them before they cut me.
I got one and I broke his fingers
and squashed his head in a vice.
And the second one, I got
a three pound chicken
and I stuffed it in his...
When I get out of here,
I'm gonna do something!
Maybe we better
find you another cell.
Why?
I like him, he was nice.
Alright, you guys,
this here's a peeping Tom.
Any of you guys object
to that sort of a crime?
Hell, no.
Looks like you needed
the excitement, huh?
See. - Yeah, they got me in here
for having sex with a girl under 18.
There's nothing wrong with that.
Is there guys?
No, there's nothing like
a couple of 13 year olds to play with.
I'm in here for exposing
myself in the park.
There's nothing wrong with
that, is there fellas?
Hell, no.
You were just giving them a treat.
Sounds like fun to me.
They got me here for doing porno films.
Now, ya'll would like to do
porno films wouldn't ya?
We'd all like to be free
enough to do porno films.
Can I get his autograph?
As long as you're all
letting it hang out,
when I was a kid I'd go
to the fields, you know,
and I'd make it with a sheep.
Aw, man that's sick! - Hey, you're sick!
That's sick, you got a problem man!
I guess everybody's done that
at one time or another, right?
Just get out, man! - You're horrible!
Get out of here!
I booked you in Vegas a week from Friday.
Vegas?
Well, that's great, Kate!
But wait, I still have two
weeks left on my police job.
No, I booked you on your day off.
IT's just a one night gig.
You know, they want to see
how you do in the big room.
They're not sure a guy
with a bag over his head
can pull it off.
What do you think?
You think we can pull it off?
Pull it off?
I've hired a choreographer,
conductor, singers, dancers,
everything, I mean this is the big time!
This is great!
This is too good to be true!
Thanks, Kate.
Bye!
Bye, kid!
Melvin, is it true?
Is what true?
Captain Lewis got a phone call earlier
linking you with the bag man!
I overheard him saying he was
gonna inspect your locker.
So I rushed over there first.
Melvin, I found over 50 paper bags!
I put them in my desk.
Well, that's what happened to them!
You know, I was wondering
what happened to those bags.
See, I've been collecting those bags
as evidence against the bag man.
I am this close to breaking that case.
I know you're such a good person.
You wouldn't hurt a fly.
Well, you're a good person.
Of course I am and
you've got good instincts.
You gotta believe in them.
'Cause I am a good person.
I am honest. - I believe you.
You're a good guy, sue.
Sometime we oughta go somewhere
and just have some fun.
Yeah?
Yeah, maybe we could go to
my apartment and vacuum it.
Oh, that sounds great!
Yeah.
Hey listen, next week is my birthday
and I heard that the unknown comic
is gonna be playing in Las Vegas
so as a treat to myself I
was gonna go down there
and being that I make out your schedule,
I know you're not working next Friday
so maybe you'd like to join me?
No, you see I couldn't.
You see, well to tell you the truth,
I'm sort of seeing someone else.
She's a knockout too.
Her name is Edith.
She's got long, blond hair,
you know and sometime maybe the three of US
we can go bowling.
Who am I kidding?
She's not the bowling type.
She's not a buddy like you are.
We'll get together sometime soon.
We'll go out somewhere just
the three of US, okay?
I'll see ya later.
Yes, I'm tense.
Of course I'm tense.
Tonight's my big night in Vegas.
I hope that bag man
doesn't Rob another bar.
Everybody thinks IT's me.
I'm not even sure IT's not Mel
do you think IT's me?
Do you think I'm crazy?
Am I schizophrenic?
Help me, doc, you gotta help me!
What do you think?
I think we came over on different ships,
but we're in the same boat now.
I don't understand, doc. - Never mind.
Have a great time in Vegas.
IT's a great Marquis, Kate.
I don't believe it.
They forgot my name.
You have me to thank for everything.
Oh, and don't forget the
party in the suite tomorrow.
Yeah, but where's my name?
I don't see my name up there.
Where's my name?
Ladies and
gentlemen, the unknown comic.
All right, keep that applause
going for the baguettes,
ladies and gentlemen!
My first night in Las Vegas.
Already I got 14 girls in
the sack with me, right?
I'd like to introduce my
parents in the audience.
All the way from Sacramento, Mr.
and Mrs. Bagovich.
Ma and pa bagovich!
And also in the audience,
they just flew in all the way from Baghdad,
my grandparents, grandma and grandpa.
Stand up and take a bow.
There they are, ladies and gentlemen.
Grandma and grandpa!
You don't know me, do you?
That's why I carry this.
That's right, my American express card.
Gets me into any restaurant in the country.
I just go at three in the
morning after they've closed
and stick it in between
the door and the lock.
How are the new dolls?
Terrific, absolutely terrific!
There he is, you're funny.
Oh, thanks bud.
We had a meeting with the board
of directors this morning
and I'd like to offer you a
contract with the hotel.
You know it all started
when I was a little kid.
I always wanted to be funny.
You're not making my job any easier!
Why don't you go talk to the press people
and I'll explain to Mr.
Egglash you're booked solid
and you need a lot of money.
Alright, nice meeting you mister.
Yes, it was nice to meet you.
You too, bye-bye.
Can I get an interview here?
Just one minute.
You have any money on you?
Do you have any plans to do a movie?
Yeah, I'd love to do a
porno movie, you kidding?
Hello. - Edith!
Well, I thought your show
was dynamite last night.
I want you to know, I
know about you and Tex.
Well, then I guess I better tell you,
you see Tex is in deep shit with the IRS.
He feels you're the only
one that can help him.
He wants you to do a benefit
performance at the club.
Yeah?
Why don't you take that bag
off when I'm talking to you?
Anyway, I've been waiting so long
for you and I to be together, haven't you?
Aren't you worried Tex
will find out about US?
Well, he never found
out about the others.
Mmm, oh shit!
Goddamn fucking glass!
My dress is all wet!
Give me a hand here will ya
before I rip your sack off!
No. - Make me want to puke!
Excuse me, Mr. Unknown comic,
I saw your show last night.
It was really terrific.
Could I get your autograph? - Of course.
Excuse me, you're interrupting US!
Why don't you take your
tits and ass and get lost!
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to interrupt anything.
IT's okay, she's just a fan.
Hey!
I thought we had something going here
until this dumb bitch showed up.
Uh-oh.
You can talk about my tits
and you can talk about my ass.
Oh no. - But don't ever call me dumb!
Oh.
Hey, I hope you can swim.
- I apologize!
- You should be a stunt woman.
Help! - I'll save you?
Get the fuck out of here!
You really showed her.
I love that dress you're wearing.
Oh, that's nice.
I never knew
you had such big tits.
Well, I think you're really terrific,
but I have a boyfriend, although,
he doesn't seem to know I exist.
What an idiot this guy must be.
Well, his name is Melvin
and by the way I'm sue.
Do you think you can make
that out to both of US,
I hope that you're not mad at me
and I'm really sorry about your girlfriend.
Oh no, IT's alright.
Oh, Edith. - Edith!
Do me a favor and
set up a benefit performance
at Tex's comedy club?
Alright, alright!
But I want to tell you something.
The bag man just committed another robbery
and you're the prime suspect!
That's right!
You sure are bag face!
But I assured the captain
that you were with me
during the robberies, okay?
And the captain and I are gonna have dinner
tonight and discuss it.
So tell me, captain, how
long have you secretly
been the head of the FBI and the CIA?
Calling all cars, calling all cars.
Be on the lookout for the bag man.
The captain received another anonymous tip
reporting him in our precinct.
Be on the alert.
If we're sent to the unknown
comic benefit show tonight,
you don't mind if I wait
outside again do ya?
Oh no, no problem.
Go right ahead. - Great.
Car 86, report to 714 conch street.
Transvestite disturbing the peace.
10-4. - Here we go.
Oh yeah, baby,
baby, right on me!
Baby, sit on me!
Shoot me, shoot me!
Boy, people are really
strange this time of night.
No, they're not! - Yeah, they are.
No, they're not! - Yeah they are.
No, they're not! - Yeah, they are.
Not! - Hey man,
car 86, report to 917 oshgo Avenue.
Dope deal in progress, report armed.
Suspects are armed and dangerous.
Repeat, armed and dangerous.
Melvin, be careful!
They're armed and dangerous!
Alright, everybody, this is a bust!
No, this is a bust. - Oh, she's right.
What you got in your hand there?
IT's a joint!
No, babe, this is a joint.
Let me see if that's in order.
That marijuana?
I've never tried this before.
Pull it in man. - Ooh, ooh.
Ooh, is that the marijuana you think?
I don't know man, could be.
Oh, suck on it. - Flavor to it.
IT's making me cough!
Feels interesting. - Oh, I'm horny!
Oh I don't feel anything, do you?
Well I feel all right.
Holy cow, oh, no offense.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, oh you got a beard!
I didn't even see the beard!
Did you see that!
I've never seen it either!
He's got no hair on his chest.
I don't feel a thing,
to tell you the truth.
Except maybe a little hungry.
Oh yeah look at this!
Oh wow!
10 for a dollar!
Melvin, Melvin come in!
Are you okay? - How many do you want?
I'll take whatever you got.
Sue, sue, come in sue!
Sue, one Adam 12!
Hey these things,
these razors they'll
give you a close shave.
You want a close shave,
I'll give you a close shave!
Listen you clowns, I just
received another anonymous tip
that the next bar to be
robbed by this bag man
is Leroy a go-go, a black
club over on carver.
You guys are gonna report
as undercover policemen.
Undercover? - Yes, undercover!
When do we report? - Right now!
You don't have much time!
10-4, 10-4, captain and Roger and out.
Okay, bye!
Yeah and one more
thing, today is my birthday!
Oh, but captain your
birthday was last month!
Are you calling me a liar?
Why, that was really nice of those guys
to switch outfits with US, wasn't it?
Yeah, you didn't forget to
bring your weapon did you?
Forget my weapon?
No, no, I traded it for this radio!
Be cool, be cool man.
Pardon me, gentlemen.
Do you have reservations?
We're undercover, police.
Well, okay just don't
cause any commotion.
Blend in, we don't want to be noticed.
Right.
I feel good, I feel good!
Give me five brother, give
me five, let me get five!
Hey what's happening momma!
I feel good tonight, feel real good.
Look bad, but I feel good.
I can dig it, you can dig it.
Can you dig it?
Maybe not.
Hey, bro, what's happening?
I beg your pardon sir.
Are you speaking to me?
Groovy place you guys got here.
Hey, bro how's it hanging?
Hey, white man, you ever
heard of black power?
Oh yeah, use it in my kitchen
get rid of those bugs, great stuff.
Bartender...
What'll you have, copper?
Give me a scotch on the
rocks and hurry please.
Warm in here.
Oh, could I get another ice cube please?
Maybe not.
I gotta go pee anyway.
Potty, piss, I gotta go potty.
Kent, I'm going to the bathroom.
Go ahead, just watch it. - Right on!
Hey, you live around here?
Hey, everybody this is a stick-up!
Don't anybody move!
You, buckwheat, get all
the money in this bag.
Uh-uh, copper!
Don't move that hand or I'll blow it off!
Come on you, move it, move it!
I want all the tips too!
Come on, hurry up!
Come on, four eyes!
Good!
I've got a joke for you that
will make your hair curl.
Ah, you already heard it.
I guess the only credit card
this club takes is massacharge.
Get it, massacharge!
Don't worry everybody I'm the police!
Hey man, what's happening baby?
Hey, what are
you doing in Hollywood?
Oh that's great, I see
your momma at the store, man.
Hey, what happened?
What happened, I'll
tell you what happened.
Bag man just robbed this place.
What?
Yeah, you were in the bathroom.
Then the bag man leaves and
you come out of the bathroom.
What a coincidence!
Captain Lewis told me he suspected you.
Let me see your neck!
Why?
Just as I suspected.
What?
Paper cuts!
As far as I'm concerned,
you're my number one suspect.
What were you doing in that bathroom?
Number two.
Okay, you're my number two suspect.
You two guys really screwed
it up didn't ya, huh?
I'm gonna give you one more chance.
We'll go to the comedy cabaret
and we're gonna find out once and for all,
if the unknown comic is really the bag man
or if you are the unknown comic
or if maybe the bag man is you
or the unknown comic is the bag man
or if you're not the unknown comic
and you're not the bag man
then we're gonna go over and find out.
Hey look out!
Look at these funny looking guys.
What are they doing here, hey!
Captain, come
on, let me help you out.
Take this, kid, pull around the corner.
We don't want to arouse any suspicion.
Yes sir!
Who's the owner of this place?
I am.
What seems to be the trouble, officer?
No trouble at all.
We're just gonna find out
if the unknown comic is really a comic.
Who are these two idiots?
We're also undercover police officers.
I hope someone uncovers
the unknown comic soon.
IT's almost showtime and
he hasn't showed up yet.
We want a few words
with him after the show.
Well, I wouldn't be too hard on him.
He probably has a pretty good excuse.
It'll be very interesting to find out
if the unknown comic shows up at all.
Right, Melvin?
Right, captain. - Hi Kent.
I gotta go to the bar and mingle.
Let me check your doll. - Put me down!
Get out of here!
And Melvin, you stay right there!
Don't you move!
And Tex, you keep an eye on Melvin!
Captain Lewis you said you
were gonna call me last night
and you didn't, were you lying?
If I lied to you, may the
lord take my voice away!
Wait a sec, drink this.
Those guys sure don't seem
to trust you very much.
No, they think that I know something
about this unknown comic character.
Yeah, there's been a rumor
that the unknown comic
and this bag man that's
been robbing all the bars
is one and the same.
Yeah, well I've got a
feeling neither one of them
is gonna show up tonight.
Hi, I know this is the night
you've all been waiting for.
Please welcome the unknown comic!
I've got a joke for you
that's gonna make your boobies fall off.
You already heard it!
Oh, she's pissed now!
Don't worry, I can make
your boobies seem larger.
I have small hands.
I'm telling you I just
flew in from Las Vegas.
Yeah, what a bummer.
I got airsick and nobody knew!
Some of you suckers are
holding in your laughs.
Don't do that folks, it creates gas.
That's right, everybody give me an h.
H!
Give me an Al - Al
give me an h! - Hi!
Give me an Al - Al
what's it spell? - Haha!
There don't you feel better?
Okay, everybody!
This is a hold up!
Nobody move a muscle.
I swear to god, I'll blow you away!
You, put all the money
in this bag right now!
Move it, now, give it to me!
You've been such a good audience,
I'd like to leave you with a joke.
How do you keep a roomful
of assholes in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow!
Unknown, darling, I've
got to talk to you.
I love you.
Don't you see we were meant or each other?
Get away from me, you slut!
I got the gun! - I got the money!
Oh no!
Hey! - Hey, what's going on here?
Hey, what's going on here,
who are these people?
Somebody farted!
All right!
Don't you make a move or
I'll blow your brains out!
I think we lost him.
No, there he is!
Come on!
There he is!
I said hey! - Hey!
I said ho! - Ho!
I said hey! - Hey!
Ho! - Ho!
Hey, ho! - Hey, ho!
Now I gotcha!
I'll kill ya!
Okay, but which way did he go?
I thought I saw the scumbag go this way.
Yeah, hey, you know IT's true...
- Hey baby check this out!
- Denise give him the town!
What the hell, hey, help!
Alright, you got me.
You're the big man.
You've got the gun.
Go ahead, shoot me!
Shoot me you coward!
You lowlife!
You scumbags!
Give him your gun.
I'm not gonna give him my gun.
Give him your gun!
Who the hell do you think you are anyway?
Clint Eastwood?
Make my night!
Come on, quit pissing around!
Let's get to it!
Dr. Ziegler!
I think he's dead!
You could have killed me!
Get of him, get off him!
So that explains all those
anonymous phone calls.
But why?
No offense, Melvin.
Just a little bored.
I needed the money.
You two know each other?
Yeah, but he didn't know
that I know he's the unknown comic.
Wait a minute, we just
left the unknown comic
at the stage at the comedy cabaret.
If that's the unknown comic and I'm here
then who the hell is that guy?
Oh oh, hold it, hold it.
I'm going that way, that
way, over this way!
Get a statement from
these guys right here.
I'll get on that statement.
Captain Lewis, we caught the bag man!
Huh? - Good.
What happened to the unknown comic?
I don't know. - Oh, there he is!
What size bag was it, ma'am?
Excuse me, out of my way!
Come on, I've got you now!
Alright, let's see who you are!
Sue! - Melvin.
But why?
Melvin, I was just trying to help you.
When I heard that captain
Lewis was gonna be
watching you so closely,
I knew you couldn't change
into the unknown comic.
But my voice, how did you do my voice?
Oh, that was easy.
I found a tape when I was
going through your locker
of your act and so I put it
on the backstage microphone.
And nobody could see my
mouth moving under the bag,
so I just jumped around on stage.
What a great idea!
I could franchise the unknown
comic and make a fortune!
Melvin! - Oh sue!
Oh Melvin! - Oh sue!
Oh Melvin!
Wait a minute, you've got an act to finish!
We can't make love like this anymore!
Finish the job!
Hey, like Robert De
Niro says, "oh, oh yeah!"
Get down there you little cutie!
Way down there! - I'm going baby!
I don't believe it!
Are you calling me a liar?
Mark! - And action!
Captain, uh, shit! - Captain shit.
Start. - I thought you're naming
the captain Kent, first step, action.
We're coming.
Captain, uh, Kent Lane not reporting.
IT's captain Kent Lane.
Marker. - And action!
Oh, hi, sue! - Again.
And action! - Oh, hi, sue!
Melvin! - Again, do it again.
Action. - Oh, hi, sue!
Don't look up, yeah down.
Okay come in again and action!
Oh hi, sue!
Melvin, is it true?
About the size of my dick?
IT's my business to know, kid.
Hey, uh...
Hey you, Tex, come here!