Night We Never Met, The (1993) Movie Script
Good morning, New York!
Chuck Barber here
with your sports update.
Recapping last
night's action...
The Yanks lost.
The Mets lost.
The Knicks lost.
The Nets lost.
In exhibition football...
Oh, man.
Only a sublet.
Only a sublet.
Fuck.
"Rare village charmer.
"Wood-burning 'firpoke'...
fireplace. "
It's probably a dump.
If it's not a dump,
it's probably gone.
If it's not gone,
there's a catch.
Yhere's always a catch.
# Oh, I used to ask
my mother #
# Would i ever find
true love? #
# She would tell me
# True love
# Mm-hmm
# Oh, yeah
# Is hard to find
# Mm-hmm
# So I've traveled on
# Everyone I came upon
# I would stop and ask,
they would tell me #
# "True love
# is hard to find"
# That's what they would say
# So years have passed
# And I'm all alone,
no longer do I #
You mind watching this for me?
# I just place my faith
# In five little words
# From way back in my past
# My mama said
# "Seek and you shall find"
# That's what mama said
# "Seek and you
shall find"
# 'Cause I know
if I keep trying #
# I can...
# 'Cause there's
no denying
# "Seek and you shall find"
# I know that's
what my mama said #
# "Seek and you shall find"
# Lord
# "Seek and you shall find"
Hello?
# If it's love that
you're looking for #
# "Seek and you
shall find"
I'll take it.
# It might be right
around the corner #
# Seek
You must be
Mr. Lester.
It's perfect.
Sam.
Hi, Sam.
Um, you know, Sam...
As I mentioned to you
on the phone,
it's a very unusual situation.
Well, it's...
It's just what
I'm looking for.
Mr. McVeigh is
getting married,
but he'd like to keep this
place and the furniture.
Tell me...
is the current tenant...
Oh, it's Brian McVeigh.
Is Brian color-blind?
Excuse me, madam.
No, it's okay.
It's my sister over here.
Hi, sweetheart.
Hello.
Your hair's lighter.
Oh, shut up.
You look great.
Nice outfit.
Oh, this?
Matinee day.
Oh, my God.
You saw a play.
I am shocked. No.
No, I went shopping.
Oh.
Bendel's is empty
on matinee day.
Of course.
How was work?
What could be new?
I came, I flossed, I polished.
Okay.
So, what's the big news?
You're not pregnant.
Lucy, I'm a married woman.
You're not having an affair.
Get real.
Okay, you give up?
You give up.
All right.
"Rare village charmer"...
It's only two days a week,
but it could be like my own
what-do-you-call-it in the city.
Pied- -terre.
Yeah, whatever.
But... on tuesdays,
I... I... I could go to museums.
And... and on thursdays...
for shopping.
I could paint.
But...
I could take an art class,
you know?
Mr. McVeigh would like
to offer you this place
two days a week
for $92 a month.
Sold.
You mean you don't care that
it's just two days a week?
Well, no. actually, it's all
I can afford right now.
Oh.
No, no, no. What I mean is...
I mean right now.
I'm already renting a place...
with roommates...
lots and lots of roommates.
Oh, well, then I'm sure
you'll enjoy some privacy
two nights a week.
Right.
Okay, now...
Brian keeps wednesdays
and fridays.
Tuesday nights and
thursday nights
have already been claimed.
So that leaves...
Well, so I'll take monday
and, um...
Saturday, in case I, uh,
want to go on a...
Well, not exactly a date,
but in case I...
In case you get lucky?
Brian, it's rented.
Mrs. Winkler...
I could kiss you.
I love this woman.
Okay, everybody,
I got an announcement.
I know there's been a lot
of rumors going around
that, uh, because of, uh...
because I'm...
Because she owns you.
Because of my betrothal,
I was going to give up...
pleasure.
The lion's den.
No. No. No.
Where there's a rent-controlled
lease, there's always a way.
So... what's the deal?
Well, two days a week...
T.G.I.F. and
wednesday-night poker.
Aah! Gimme, gimme,
gimme, gimme, yeah!
Ah!
Who commerced?
A - a stewardess?
I don't even know them.
I had, uh, my secretary
set up an unequal three-way
time-sharing progression.
Wiggy.
Wiggy-wiggy.
Yeah, right.
One's gonna paint...
and Mrs. Winkler
says the other one
is getting over
a - a broken heart.
Two years of my life.
What a waste.
I wonder how she's doing.
Oh, a mirror...
That's a little self-absorbed.
It's a reflection on our
narcissistic culture.
Yeah.
Sam, maybe you shouldn't
have come tonight.
I'm fine.
Adeeka, adeeka,
adeeka, adeeka.
La-di-da, la-di-da,
la-di-da, da-di-da.
My mother, my sister,
my mother, my sister.
What is she doing?
Aaah!
Oh! No!
Oh!
Jesus Christ.
What is she doing?
It's... it's an expression
of her frustration
with the weight
of European history.
Ah.
Shh!
Ahh. Ahh.
Oh...
Who's the little lobster?
Would you like some lobster?
Uncle Sam.
Would you dance with me, please?
Sam.
What's that supposed to mean?
It's a symbol, Sam.
Boys...
Aaah!
I thought it went over very well.
Bertrand missed his,
uh, lightning cues, the fool.
R - really?
I thought so.
But I don't think anybody
there noticed.
What does you know about art?
You know, pastel, I worry about
you walking home alone...
Sam!
In the neighborhood.
I don't use a lecture now.
All right.
Oh, Sammy.
The old apartment.
Put the bag there.
Ahh.
Hmm.
You put some new posters
of yourself up.
I didn't want, uh,
memories of us, uh,
haunting me now that the place
is mine now, hmm?
Hmm?
Hey, um...
You want me to...
run downstairs
and pick up some food and...
whip something up?
No.
When you cook for me,
I fall in love again.
I cannot do this now, hmm?
Mm.
I have an appointment early
in the morning for the PBS TV.
I show them tonight's tape.
Omelette?
Sam, mnh-mnh.
Someday when you're
a big restaurateur
and I am a star,
maybe for us it will work.
But now...
you must go.
Don't make it any harder for us.
Well...
Guess I'll be going.
Could you put out my cigarette?
Sure.
Ciao, Sammy.
# Rockaby, baby,
on the treetop #
Aah! # When the wind blows,
the cradle will rock #
Come on, baby. # When the bough breaks,
the cradle will fall #
Ooh! # And down will come baby,
cradle and all #
Yeah! Ooh!
Yeah!
Ooh! ooh! ooh!
Ooooh! Oh!
Ooh, yeah.
It's wake-up time, Brian.
Brian?
This is 96.3...
Good morning.
Nozart in the morning.
I was having the best
dream about us.
So was I.
Oh, I dreamt that we
were old, Brian...
and that we'd been
married for 50 years.
And all our grandchildren
and our great-grandchildren
were all gathered at Mommy's
in Nantucket
for our anniversary.
What was your dream about?
Mine?
Uh... like that.
Same kind.
Mr. Jonathan is coming over
wednesday after work,
and he's gonna show us
some fabrics.
We don't have to
decide right away.
That's what we pay him for.
Wednesday?
I thought I was
gonna see the guys.
Well, you'll have to
change it, darling.
No problem.
Oh, besides, we have the ballet
wednesday nights.
Oh, yeah, ballet.
I keep forgetting that.
Thank you. Good morning,
Mrs. Beehan.
Mr. Beehan.
What?
No.
No, I'm Beehan, he's McVeigh,
but just for a few more months.
Ah, fuck.
Excuse me.
Rinse, Mr. Potesky.
I said, "Rinse," not gargle,
Mr. Potesky.
Rinse.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You may spit.
Would you adjust
my headrest again
on the left side here, 'cause...
Do you like my shirt?
It's very nice.
I just got it in London.
Would you... have...
Would you like to go
to London sometime?
I'm a married woman, Mr. Potesky.
Happily?
Dr. John.
Dr. John...
she won't go to London
with me, Doc.
Have a lolly.
He's all yours.
Thanks.
Can I ask you something?
When she works on me
with those rubber gloves,
that's just a standard practice
now, isn't it?
It's not...
Open.
Ahh.
I know, I know... I'm late.
It's okay.
There was a tie-up on the belt
parkway you wouldn't believe.
Oh, Aaron, it's not like the
tuna's gonna get cold.
All right, the truth...
I was at Marty's
watching the islanders,
overtime.
Look, I was with...
Pass the ketchup.
Oh, thanks.
Yeah.
Anyway, uh...
I was with Lucy, and she wanted...
That's good-looking tuna.
I lied.
There was no overtime.
No one's making a federal
case out of it.
I've got a surprise.
We're moving.
What?
To where?
To our new ranch-style
modern colonial
with wrap deck
and hallway atrium.
What?
You're joking.
No. I just went out and did it.
Marty talked me into it.
Exit 52 on the L.I.E.
Sparrow's nest
development.
Oh.
I got it.
Secret garret...
rediscovers a horizon
of color...
and form.
And I'll take half a
pound of French Chevret.
Want to try domestic?
What's the difference?
About $4 a pound.
Otherwise, the French
is a little more status.
The domestic is... it's fresher.
It's milkier.
We have some very good...
I'll take the French.
French.
Thank you.
Heathens.
Sam, pick up line 2.
Line 2, Sam. Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Got to buy French cheese.
Got to buy French cheese.
Hello?
Good morning.
This is Mrs. Winkler
calling for Brian McVeigh...
Uh, who's had an unavoidable
change of scheduling
and was wondering
if you wouldn't mind
switching your monday night
for his wednesday.
Just wednesday?
Mm-hmm.
Uh, sure.
Wednesday is fine.
Oh, good.
Then it's settled.
Now, it'll be Brian on monday
and Sam wednesday.
Oh, should I send you
another chart?
No. don't be silly, Mrs. Winkler.
Bye.
Oh, yes!
Yes!
Excuse me.
Uh, excuse me.
half a pound of
St. Andr triple crme, please.
Triple crme.
Triple crme.
That is heart-attack cheese.
just take a knife to your
heart and stab it.
It's, uh... a little over.
Stupid French.
Sam.
Smoke cigarettes.
Come on, Sam.
Eat fat cheese.
It doesn't hurt them.
Nothing hurts them.
But no charge.
Sam, this isn't about cheese.
It's not about cheese,
It's too bad?
Faux pas.
Pity, sadness.
What are you...
Camus?
Is Pastel seeing someone, Sam?
No.
Yes.
Maybe.
I don't know.
I'm sorry.
Big deal.
What's the difference?
Why? What makes
you think that she is?
Well, an artist needs...
Needs to experience things.
What does that mean?
I suppose that I'm
sexually paranoid?
No, it's too late.
You're way past that.
You're on the verge
of the psychotic.
What's her problem, then?
No matter what I want from her,
she can't give it to me.
What is her problem that no matter what
I want from her, she can't give it to me.
What is her problem that no matter what
I want from her... Sam, instead of asking
maybe it would be better to ask,
"What is my problem...
that I am trying to get something from
someone who can't give it to me?"
What's your point?
My point is...
I've got a girl I want you
to meet, to date.
Oh, no.
No, I can't.
I couldn't.
You can, Sam.
You should.
It's Catha.
Come in.
I know.
I know I have been in
this building before.
It is the weirdest thing,
but I know.
I know. yes.
Yes. Yes.
Well, maybe you were.
I'm Sam.
But I wasn't, don't you see?
I wasn't...
Not in this life.
But there's an aura I...
I know.
I know, kooky, right?
No, no.
N - not at all.
My chiropractor, Tom...
he's wonderful.
He's just amazing.
And he says that maybe
it's my alignment.
Is that veal?
Not just any veal.
I don't eat veal.
I... I don't eat meat, but
I especially do not eat veal.
Do you know how they treat
veal when it's young?
Well, actually,
veal isn't an animal.
They pen it up. Lillian says that it's...
Who's Lillian?
Lillian, my nutritionalist, she says
that it's antibiotics and steroids...
All right, well,
we don't have to eat it.
All right.
I could make an omelette.
Eggs, uh, don't combine at all.
No, they don't, do they?
I combine now.
Besides, I'm...
I'm lacto-ovo.
Well, so was my sister,
except for Chinese food.
Right.
Okay.
Uh...
Kenneth tells me that you two
went to art school together.
Oh, yes.
Um, a lifetime ago.
Wine?
No.
Alcohol...
Doesn't combine, does it?
It... it breeds yeast.
"Dear Thursday...
"You can savor
my veal stew...
or you can turn this page. "
Okay.
"I'll spare you the
humiliating details,
"but last night's date
was a wash,
"which means if you don't eat
my leftovers,
"they will spoil...
"Which brings me back
to last night's date.
Enough said. "
Yeah.
"Hope you enjoy it.
Leave me the dishes.
Yours in rent control,
wednesday. "
Hmm.
Yeah!
Football...
the Giants dropped a...
# Her name came up today
# To my surprise
# My eyes watered up
# But I didn't cry
# I pictured our
good times
# And I almost
had a laugh
# I'm finally bouncin' back
# I'm finally bouncin' back,
yeah #
# Fall and winter's gone
# I've made it
through the cold #
# Shivered through some storms,
man, all night all alone #
# I didn't like that
# I can see that silver lining #
# I see it now at last
# I'm finally bouncin' back
# I'm finally bouncin' back
# I'm finally bouncin' back
You sure... you sure you
don't want some wine?
No.
No, really.
Okay.
#... To sing again
# I've got the urge
# To dance hello.
# I can see myself again
# Giving love just
one more chance #
# I've been away too long,
way off track #
# I'm finally bouncin' back
# i'm finally bouncin' back
# I'm finally bouncin' back
# I've been away too long,
way off track #
# And I'm finally
bouncin' back #
# I'm finally bouncin' back
# I've got the
urge to dance
"Dear roommate, love what
you did to the apartment.
Ellen.
P.S., food's great. "
Let me see that note.
Nah. Official.
What?
Who's it from?
The painter chick,
the one who comes on thursday.
You doing her, huh?
Wiggy, wiggy, wiggy.
You giving her the big dart, huh?
Hey, come back here.
Wiggy!
She just left a note saying
how much she likes the place.
Obviously, she's got good taste.
Obviously.
Hey, guys, check this out.
The new remote control.
Ooh!
Chuck Barber here in the studio.
While we were away,
the umpires have convened
on the field
and are meeting to discuss...
well, let's just take a look down there
and see what's going on.
It turns out the umpires
have decided
to call out the grounds crew here.
Uh, the, uh, storm
that is brewing...
it shouldn't be with us too long,
I can't believe this.
But, hey, no sense in taking chances.
Where's it raining?
You know, driving over here...
Huh? Tell me!
Where the fuck is it raining?!
Shit... the pizza.
Oh, God.
Oh, great.
Hey, pizza's on fire.
hey, i screwed up.
Would you put it out?
There's a cappuccino place...
He is such a jerk.
Look at this.
I sewed these by hand.
Then you deserve what you get.
Oh, God.
These are good.
So what if he used your
curtains to drain them?
No. That's the...
This is the other guy.
This is t-the bad man.
Those are from the good man.
Mmm.
You really should meet him
one of these days.
Oh, that's it.
God damn it.
Has he no shame?
No.
Come on, just try.
I don't have to do anything
or be anything. Come on.
I don't have to do anything
or be anything.
Okay?
Good.
And...
I can love myself just
because i'm me.
Sam, girl on line one.
American accent.
Hello?
Where the hell
do you get off?
I'm sorry, who's this?
I'm ellen. I'm not your mother.
I'm not your wife.
I'm not supposed to clean up
after you,
and what you did to my basil plants
is completely unforgivable.
Oh, wait a minute.
You're Ellen from the apartment?
Duh.
Uh, you didn't like
what I did to the plant?
I thought that you'd be happy.
Happy?
You thought I'd be happy?
This is unbelievable. You thought
I'd be happy? You know what?
You're out of your
fucking macho mind!
Mnh-mnh-mnh.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Next.
Mrs. Winkler...
could you send some flowers to
my tuesday and thursday woman
at the lion's den?
She, uh, sent me
a nice note.
"Mi casa es su casa.
Fondly, Brian. "
Ellen, hi.
I bought you a little gift.
Mr. Potesky, I thought
you just had x-rays.
Huh? Oh, no,
but I moved last time.
Maybe you should hold me down.
Hold you down?
Ellen, it's Aaron. He's getting
out of work early tonight.
Hi. I can't... I can't talk.
I have Mr. Potesky in the chair.
Tonight?
Oh, Christ.
I don't even know
what she's doing.
Isn't she supposed to be dead?
Game's starting.
Aaron, it's just two
more minutes.
Chuck Barber back with you
in the NCK Studios.
If you're an islander fan,
you'll want to...
Ellen, we're gonna miss
the 10:40.
Who cares? Relax.
A foreign movie.
I don't read enough during the
I have a surprise for you.
Just hold on one second. What is it?
Okay, wait. Shh.
Close your eyes.
Why?
Because I have a surprise for you.
Oh, oh, come on, this is so stupid.
Come on. No, it's not.
Come on.
Give me your hand.
Ellen, what are you doing?
I'm adding romance to our life.
We're married.
We're gonna have a nice,
little romantic evening in this place.
Stay right there.
Okay.
Music.
Oh.
Back.
What is this?
This is, um,
you know Karen,
the receptionist at work...
she gave it to us
for the evening.
It's like our own little
romantic pied- -terre
in the city.
Ellen?
Yeah?
Ellen. Ellen.
Ellen. Ellen.
This is a slum.
I... I... it reminds me
of my grandmother's.
There's no carpet.
It's old.
I...
Oh, look at these.
Look at these paintings.
I imagine what she paid for this place.
So it's a rental, right?
She could probably own something
in flushing for less.
#... To dry my tears
# So what do I do with
the thought of you? #
# To forget you
is my greatest fear #
# I'd lose my...
Oh, shit.
It's the fun cops.
Come on,
I got to go to work.
I'm sorry, dude.
You know how it is.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
P - Pastel, what are you
doing here? Oh, Sam.
What is it you're doing here?
Oh.
Bark, bark, woof!
How can you eat that stuff?
Sam, don't start.
Fine.
Hey, Pastel, bonjour.
You believe this?
No, I didn't know Shep
was crashed with Sam.
Who... who's Shep?
Hey, dude.
I'm a friend of Leslie's.
I got here last night. Morning.
Last night? You met him last night,
and already you're sleeping with him?
So what?
Get on my back already.
I'm not your little girl
waiting to be rescued.
Where did you guys meet?
Mm, well, a meat market.
Oh, Sam.
I am sorry you cannot deal
with rejection.
Oh, I'm being rejected.
I'm being rejected.
That's a good one.
Mm-hmm.
I'm not being rejected.
I'm...
I'm disappointed in you.
Who's being rejected?
Sam. Good morning, Leslie.
Hey, Shep.
Hi, Les.
Go ahead. Play water
sports with Tex here.
That ought to liberate you
artistically.
You're very hard on her.
Oh, you see?
Oh, you see.
Oh, everyone sees.
You want me to be
something you want,
not what I want!
What you say you want to do,
not what you do do!
No, I do do what I say I do!
What I don't do
is what you say I do!
I want to do.
I don't understand that.
Um, uh, uh, more coffee?
I... no, I can't deal with this now.
I can't deal with this now.
Uh, I have a rehearsal at PBS
for my video.
Not that you care even still.
Why should I care about that?
Oh, that's nice.
Typical male ego.
No, you leave Sam alone!
Oh, ho ho.
Well, Sam...
Will you tape it for me tonight
on your VCR?
Huh?
Please?
Sammy.
Hmm?
Excuse me.
Do you have any really poor-quality,
low-grade videotape?
That's it.
Now I know it's over.
That was a tough morning, Sam.
No, no, the music.
You know you're really breaking
up when every last song you hear,
no matter how stupid, suddenly
sounds incredibly poignant.
#... And I'm with you
This is the saddest song.
# And all that I so want to
give you, babe #
Thank you very much.
Yep.
Have a nice day.
She had no way of knowing
you were living there, too.
That's the thing.
It's almost like...
like I was meant to see her,
so it would finally sink in.
$4.50. no bag.
Save a tree.
I mean, it can't be an accident
that the guy she picked up
just got into New York
and happens to be
crashing at the place
that I happen to be subletting.
You know?
Hello?
Don't you think?
I mean, there's got to be
a reason for it, right?
Sam, there is no reason
for anything.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Remind me never to
invite you to a funeral.
Whatever happens, happens, Sam.
That's all I'm saying.
Pez?
Sure.
Uh, nah.
Yeah.
Ah. I can't make up my mind.
But you need to have
a little fun in your life.
Whatever happened to Catha?
We didn't combine well.
Well, why don't you ask Leslie out?
Oh, come on.
No, I... I'm not ready for
a relationship right now.
I can't handle it.
Well...
Can't even handle a plant.
On the bright side,
no sex is safe sex.
Yeah.
You know what I'd like? You want
to know what I'd like right now?
I'd like to meet a girl
from Norway...
who speaks no English at all and is
only in this country for two weeks
'cause she's gonna be flying
to Malaysia or Burma
and gonna stay there
for about five years.
That I can handle.
Pardon me.
Do you know if I am
Greenwich Village?
There it is.
Over there.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's over there.
It's over there.
Right here...
Will be a two-story atrium.
So when you walk in past
the landscaped lawn area,
you'll get a feeling of vastness...
Of openness, if you will.
A chandelier above...
will light the way
toward...
the colonial-style living room...
with mock fieldstone fireplace.
Now, the bedrooms...
Uh, you ordered, uh...
Four.
Two boys and a girl.
Aaron means well, you know,
but it's just like the whole day
I felt like I was in
another time zone.
Yeah, like 20 years.
Do you want to stay
here for a while?
You're welcome to.
I keep trying to tell him, but it's
like he just doesn't want to listen.
Well, you've got
to do something.
You can't move out there.
I'm thinking of having an affair.
You're kidding.
You mean you're not upset?
Just let me know if
you want me to lie
or to cover or to stall... anything.
It's gonna be weird, though...
sleeping with another man.
God.
Can you imagine?
Promise to tell me what it's like.
It's been so long.
Yeah, like 29 years.
Well, ellen, you're 29.
Yeah.
So it can't have been 29 years.
It can't?
Not unless...
No.
Don't tell me.
What?
Oh, my God.
What?!
I'm sorry. It's just...
How can that be?
I don't know.
Talk to me.
Do you sell caviar?
I'm cheese.
Caviar's down there.
They told me that you...
you would know.
I'm kind of an institution
around here.
Um, all right,
what's the occasion?
Uh, well, one... it's a special
night with a special person.
And two...
I have champagne.
And, uh, three...
what goes with it?
Four... anything but tuna.
Oh.
Excuse me.
All right,
so much for jokes.
No, it was funny.
It was just...
Uh, how well does this special
person know his caviar?
Um, I'm not sure.
Well, how well do you know
this special person?
Well, we... we, uh,
live together.
Excuse me.
I'm double-parked.
I have some, uh,
overpriced beluga.
Oh, it's marvelous.
I had it last weekend.
And I have some California.
It's trendy, but so-so.
Or we just got a new shipment in
from China.
I've tasted it, and it's fine,
really fine.
Only thing is, nobody believes
that they make caviar in China,
so it's about half the price.
Mm.
It's a really special evening.
I know.
You'll take the overpriced beluga.
No.
Um... just give me enough
for two people,
and I think he eats a lot.
She trusts me.
She trusts me.
I'll take the overpriced beluga.
T.G.I.F.!
Wiggy.
Okay.
Let the game begin.
What? Buddha's not coming?
He watched the game already.
Great. We all agree not to watch it,
and he watches the game.
Ow! Why do you think these people
invented the VCR?
Hey.
What the fuck?
What... I don't believe this shit.
Well, you must have set
it wrong... the timer.
Right.
Me... set a VCR timer wrong?
Well, Brian, does she look
like a linebacker to you?
Oh, shit.
The chick must have taped it.
Oh, Christ. this is some
sort of PBS thing.
PBS? We're fucked.
Yeah.
Oh, shit.
I'm sorry, guys.
Fast-forward it.
...channel 21...
Chris Spunkhouser from
the Boston area.
Oh. Now, Chris is in a real...
Now they're gonna auction off
Leonard Bernstein's barcalounger!
I'm sorry, guys.
This is a nightmare.
you're losing control.
I'm really sorry.
Another?
Mm...
No.
I really shouldn't.
I'm about to have my first affair.
Oh.
Well, then you really should.
On the house.
Hey, everybody,
this lady's just about...
No. Shh.
Don't tell anybody.
I'm married.
Ah.
Are you nervous?
No.
Why?
I don't know.
Maybe a little, yeah.
Ah, don't be.
You look great.
You're gonna be fine.
My husband doesn't
understand me.
He never will.
You deserve better.
Do I?
Mm-hmm.
To the man who really
understands you.
Yeah.
To Brian.
# Sit right down
and let me tell you #
# What my love is to me
I do.
# It's gonna be just dandy
# The day I take my candy
# And make her mine,
all mine #
# The day I take my candy
# And make her mine,
all mine #
It's open.
Hi.
I'm Ellen.
Ellen?
Oh, yeah, the painter chick.
Well, come on in.
Uh, I'm sorry. you're expecting
someone, aren't you?
Oh, this?
Nah.
I had some company earlier,
but, uh...
They pussied out.
I was just, um...
in the neighborhood,
you know, and, um...
I forgot my umbrella.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Is it raining?
No.
But it's so hot and sticky out,
I wish it would.
It's funny, isn't it?
All this time living
together, and, uh...
We never actually meet.
Yeah.
But I liked your roses.
Oh.
Hey, um...
Could you?
Oh, yeah.
You know, uh...
You're exactly the way
I pictured you.
I am?
Mm.
So, Marty, you want to know
where I'm going tonight?
Did you tell him we were closing?
Yes.
Sorry, Ramon.
He's a kidder, Eddie.
Good night. Good night.
So, Marty, aren't you gonna
ask me what I'm doing tonight?
What's to ask? You go home,
you eat some tuna, you piddle. Unh-unh.
I got tickets to see Neil
Diamond at The Coliseum.
You're shitting me.
Look at that.
Scalper.
Ellen doesn't know about it.
I'm gonna go up to Lucy's
and get her... surprise her.
Wow.
Pow.
Something wrong with
the electricity in here?
No, no, no.
It's fine.
There's, uh, plenty between us.
Yeah, right.
Oh, that was sarcastic, right?
I shouldn't do that.
I...
God. I wish you had
your uniform on.
I love those little white skirts.
Um, you hungry?
I have some, you know,
caviar, champagne.
I'm, uh, just a little drunk.
That's okay.
I like that in a woman.
Oh.
Good.
Nah.
Come on.
What?
We both know why you're here.
Oh, shit.
Lucy!
Hi, it's me... Aaron!
Get my wife!
I got a surprise for her!
Oh, shit.
What?!
How sweet!
Uh, it's too bad.
She's, um, not here!
Where is she?
Where is she?!
Oh, she...
She had to go back to the city
all of a sudden!
A dental-hygiene emergency!
Oh, for crying out loud.
When was this?
Oh, God.
I don't know.
You know me!
I'm just... ecch!
Oh.
Uh...
I guess I better wait.
She's not gonna
want to miss this...
Neil Diamond.
Oh, you're kidding.
Um, w... um,
she left a number.
Maybe I can reach her.
Great.
Oh, look, how do I get this off?
Uh, it's really...
I mean, what is this...
Beat the clock?
All right, come on, baby.
Just let me lie down.
Just relax.
Shh.
Ay-yi-yi.
Man...
You came to play.
Good windup, good delivery...
good follow-through.
What?
Uh, just a little, uh,
play-by-play.
Can you, like, hold me
or something?
I thought we were done.
Okay.
You know, uh...
You're really a great fuck.
I can't believe you just said that.
Oh, but it's true.
Mm.
No, I just...
I don't know. I guess maybe
I thought you were...
a little bit more romantic.
I guess I don't really
know you, and...
Brian McVeigh.
Dartmouth, class of '84.
No, I mean, I...
I guess I just had a different
image of you...
with your music and...
cooking and... furniture.
Yeah, it's nice stuff, huh?
Oh, "Beyond the Fjord. "
Wasn't this a good movie.
I really liked this.
I was so glad you
cut that ad out,
and I found it.
Right.
Me see a foreign movie?
It's bad enough I got to go see
the, uh, ballet
with my, uh, fianc.
Fianc? Fian...
Fianc?!
How could you?
It wasn't my idea.
Her folks got us
season tickets...
Every wednesday.
Aren't you here wednesdays?
No. That's why I had to switch
my nights with, uh...
Uh...
Sam?
Oh...
Oh...
Oh, my God.
What?
Oh, my God.
What?
I slept with the wrong guy.
Oh, my God.
The one time in my life I cheat,
and I screw it up,
and I sleep with the wrong guy.
And you...
How could you?!
It's... you know,
one last fling.
A condemned man is entitled
to one last hearty breakfast.
Oh, shut up!
What?
What did I say?
I mean, how could you sleep
with me?!
Yeah, but that's because I
thought you were someone else.
Boy...
Way to make a guy feel wanted.
I mean, you don't
even know me.
Well, at least I know
who you were.
You're the babe who cooks
all that great food.
No, that is Sam, you idiot!
You're the one with
the ugly furniture!
No, baby,
You got it all wrong.
This is my furniture.
His is the ugly stuff.
Oh, my God.
What? What?
What?
Aaron.
Chicks.
Yeah?
Can... can you take
me to Elmhurst?
No, no, I don't know where it is.
It's in queens.
No, no, madam, that's very far.
Please.
Come on, no... please.
I need to go to Queens.
Uh, but...
Come on, lady.
Ple... Hello? Hello?
Please don't cry. I... I said
I'll take you to Queens.
I need to go to Queens.
We'll go to Queens.
Here. Here.
See? We go to Queens.
I slept with the wrong guy.
Don't be so hard on him, lady.
Give him a chance.
How could I be so stupid to
sleep with the wrong guy?!
Oh, don't worry.
You'll find the right guy.
You'll find a better guy.
I have a better guy!
Then what's the problem?
Well, what am I gonna tell
my husband?
Oh.
Don't tell him.
Don't tell him anything.
If he doesn't know,
he'll take you back.
But I don't want him to take me back.
But then what do you want?
I want Sam!
Now, who is Sam?
I don't know!
Oh!
Oh, there's something...
and what do you...
Madam, this is a taxi, madam,
not a bedroom.
I got to get...
Oh.
Calm down.
Calm...
Here. Here, blow your...
I didn't mean to do it.
Calm.
Everything will be fine.
Oh, shit.
The game was great.
Watched it twice...
with the guys.
Yeah...
Good night.
Brian?
Oh, Brian.
Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian.
What have you been doing?
I was out with Lucy.
Uh, you know, I was, uh...
No, I wasn't.
I was out.
Yeah, I know.
I'm sorry.
What are you sorry about?
Nothing happened to be sorry
about, right?
No, something happened.
Just like that.
Just like that.
You're buying houses...
without telling me, Aaron.
You know, you're naming children.
And...
It's not my fault.
I'm not screwing around.
Don't blame me 'cause
you're having an affair.
I don't know why I did it.
I... I, uh...
It didn't even mean
anything, anyway.
Maybe I did it 'cause
I'm trying to tell you,
and I'm t-trying to tell myself
that I'm not happy.
Ellen...
If I want to get your attention...
I don't throw a rock at your head.
All you had to do
was say something.
How could you buy a house
without telling me?
I love you.
That's what you do.
You marry, you...
you buy a house,
you have children.
That's what you do.
You should have told me.
I'm gonna pretend this
didn't happen, okay?
Uh, neither of us
will mention it.
I'm sorry...
Aaron.
Oh, what for?
Nothing happened.
Nothing's changed.
# Your love,
lifting me higher #
Ciao.
# Than I've ever
been lifted before #
Less.
More.
Less.
More.
More.
Less.
Okay.
# You know your love
# Your love keeps lifting me
# Keep on lifting
Um, I'd like the other piece.
# Higher and higher
# I said your love
# Your love keeps lifting me
No problem, ma'am.
That's what we're here for.
# Higher and higher
Have a nice day.
Sam, are you all right?
Guess who's coming to dinner.
# Disappointment
was my closest friend #
# But then you came,
and he soon departed #
# And you know he never showed
his face again #
# That's why your love
# Your love keeps lifting me
Mmm.
Oh, mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
It's good.
Good.
Thank you.
What is?
It's pasta with duck.
Dog? Dog?
Dog? No. Oh, no, no, no,
no, duck. Duck.
Um, um, not dog.
Not dog.
Uh...
Duck.
Quack, quack, quack.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Duck. Little duck.
More.
We need more wine.
I'll go get some,
and I will be right back.
I go.
I go?
No, no.
You stay, I go.
Be right back.
Right back.
Oh, my God.
Stay.
Oh.
Just...
Just stay.
Stay. Stay.
Hello.
Aaah!
How much are these potatoes?
How...
Hello?
You're welcome.
My name is Inga.
Hello?
Hello?
Hi.
Hi.
Oh, Inga.
Inga, you waited.
You are welcome to me.
Thank you, God.
Hi.
Do you know who
lives next door?
No.
No.
Ooh!
You wouldn't believe
what goes on in there.
Oooh!
This one's a painter.
That one's a cook.
What about the roses
from Brian?
Have you, um...
Have you seen him
in there before?
Maybe.
I don't know for sure.
You don't know?
He forgets.
Twice a week he comes.
Uh, like clockwork.
But like I said, it's his own
business what he does.
And, um... and the girl?
Oh, don't know this one.
There's another.
Oh, oh, painter. Ooh-ooh.
Twice a week.
Like clockwork.
Thank you.
I just...
I got to go now.
But like I said,
that's his business.
We don't see a thing.
Fjord. Oslo.
Ahhh.
Mm. Mm.
Son of a bitch? Son of a bitch?
Oh, you no-good son of a bitch!
What? What?
Okay, where's Brian?
Huh?
Uh...
Who is Brian?
I... I... I think that you have
the wrong night.
No, no, no, stay. Calm down.
Oh, bullshit!
Calm down. Stay.
Where is he?
L - lady, please, I beg you.
Come out,
you son of a bitch!
No. no, no, no, no.
Stay.
No, no, no.
I... I can explain.
See, I don't actually,
uh, live here alone.
I mean, I do,
when I have the place,
but I... I only have the place
t - two nights a week.
It's kind of a - a
timeshare thing.
Um, you know, this new
york space is tight. No!
Lady, stop!
Stop!
Stop. Stop.
Anyway, this woman
seems to be looking
for one of the co-tenants.
And, uh, uh, evidently they've
been having some discord.
Get out!
Get out! Get out!
Get out!
Get out! Get out!
Take it ea...
No, Inga.
You're welcome to me.
You're welcome to me. Out!
Inga.
Inga!
I don't know who you are...
or what you're doing here...
but I want you to know
you have just committed
the single cruelest act
since they shot Babar's mom.
I'm sorry.
You're sorry?
You come barging
into a stranger's house
at the worst possible moment,
and you have no idea
how much I needed
or how long I've been waiting
for that worst possible moment.
You destroyed my one chance
of happiness in this world,
and you're sorry?
I was looking for Brian.
Oh, well, he's not here.
I'm Sam.
This is my night!
What does that have to do
with anything?!
Have you ever heard
of knocking
before coming into
a stranger's home?!
Well, I thought that he
was having an affair!
Brian?
The developmentally stunted,
consumer-obsessed, color-blind,
white-bread-eating man-child
trapped in a pudgy body
having an affair?!
I don't think so!
You are talking about
my husband-to-be.
I have never actually met him.
I'm just piecing it together
from clues.
Well, he's having an affair.
You're gonna marry him.
You have to sleep with him.
From what I can tell,
he uses this place
as a clubhouse.
It's some kind of tree house
for him and his fraternity friends.
They're brokers.
Sue me.
I thought that he was
having an affair.
Lady, is it possible
that you're being
sexually paranoid?
Who would sleep
with this palooka?
A painter.
Ellen?
Twice a week for months.
How do you know?
The neighbors.
I don't even have to
know the woman,
and she betrays me.
You're in love with her, too.
This is disgusting.
Calm down, lady.
I don't even know her.
We wrote each other
a few notes.
I built a window box
for a basil plant.
She went nuts on me.
Well, I'm gonna kill him.
And the wedding's off.
Shut up.
You're upset.
Your feelings are hurt.
Try to keep some perspective.
You love this guy.
Have you eaten?
I thought I did.
You love him...
So if you want him back,
you'll get him back...
Just as long as you
don't freak out.
Sex is a little bit like politics.
The incumbent always
has the advantage.
How romantic.
When something
like this happens,
the best thing you can do
is just accept it.
If you try to make him do something
that he doesn't want to do, he'll resent it.
And it'll come up later somehow.
Did you cook this?
Look, all that i'm saying is...
you can't change somebody...
not overnight.
If you take away his freedom,
he'll feel it... choked.
That's probably why he kept this
apartment in the first place.
If you let him choose,
he'll choose you.
Boy, Sam, I'll bet you're really
good at relationships.
Me?
A genius.
Mmm.
This is really good.
Thank you.
Do you have wine?
Yeah, sure.
Brian, you're awake.
We need to talk.
It's okay.
We don't have to talk.
We're both a little jumpy
these days,
and, uh...
I think it's only natural.
Shh. Uh-oh.
Here he comes.
So, uh, if you could tell
Mr. Jameson
we can, uh, do a lunch
at, uh, 2:00 at Raul's.
Cut it off! Cut it off!
Cut it off!
Huh!
Whoo-whoo-whoo!
Wiggy, wiggy, wiggy!
Wiggy, wiggy, wiggy!
Well...
guys, you've, uh...
really outdone yourselves
this time.
This is really, uh...
thoughtless.
Mrs. Winkler,
could you dispose of this?
A - and also,
I... I think it's time we got...
rid of the lion's den.
So notify the tenants.
Ellen?
Sorry.
Thanks.
Thanks for the rush.
I got a really big night
on the town tonight.
Oh, yeah, you want
to take my wife?
She likes big nights
out on the town.
Right, Marty?
Uh...
All right, thanks.
Hi.
Hi.
I spilled some wine.
I'm afraid it's ruined.
Hi, Aaron.
Hi, Suzanne.
How are you?
Good.
You are so lucky to have him.
Anyway, it's, uh...
I think it'll come out.
No one will notice.
You see how she thinks, Marty?
Ellen, this is silk.
Don't listen to her promises.
We can touch it up. It won't go away.
He's so honest.
Thank you.
See you.
Bye.
Ellen, if it's ruined,
tell them it's ruined.
My wife...
thinks she can fix everything.
Everything can be fixed.
Oh! I knew we should have
taken Northern Boulevard.
Aaron, it happens.
We took a wrong turn,
and we're stuck in traffic.
Right. Right.
Fast.
Right?
Right, fast.
It's moving now.
All right.
Move.
All right!
Right Le...
No, you missed it.
You missed it.
Oh, this is great.
I told you the right lane.
you don't listen.
You're so stupid.
Why don't you
let me drive?
Now what?
You want to drive?
Drive.
Fellas, fellas, fellas,
it's a private party.
Get bent, man.
I think you're a cowboy...
Samuel, one codependents
anonymous meeting, just one.
Look what it's done for me.
Shit!
Uh-oh!
Club-soda stain.
Better get a little red wine.
It'll lift that club soda
right out of there.
Pastel.
Oh, Sammy!
Sammy!
How the hell are you?
Oh, do you have my VCR tape?
Oh, jeez, I... I didn't know
that you were gonna be at the
gallery, so I didn't bring it.
But I have it,
and I'm sure that I can get it
to you some other time.
Aah!
I'm over her.
You're better off.
What?
You're better off.
Yeah.
Uh, come, Sammy.
Let's dance.
Oh. I don't know if...
Aah! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Excuse me.
Ow!
Come. come, come, come, come.
Come on.
Come, come.
I'm kind of drunk, Pastel.
I don't think this is a good idea.
Yes, it is.
Bark, bark.
Come on.
Whoo!
Pastel, you can't do this.
Why not?
Come on, stop.
Uh...
No, no, no.
Get up. You can't...
Get up.
Ooh-whee!
You can't keep
picking people up
and using them whenever
you want to.
Oh!
Since when?
Sammy, why are you
so serious?
Pastel.
Just cut the shit, Pastel!
It's enough!
Aah!
Aah!
Aah! Oh!
Goodbye, Pastel.
Bye... everybody.
It's been a great party.
See you, kids.
Bye.
Oh, merci.
It's okay.
So I'm alone now.
Lots of people are alone,
and they love it.
Hermits are alone.
Mass murderers.
Postal clerks.
It's not so bad.
At least I've got the place.
The hearth.
The sanctuary.
Hmm.
"Eviction notice.
"Amigos...
"our noble experiment
has come to an end.
"Thanks for sharing with me.
Brian.
P.S. please have all your
stuff out by monday. "
"Thanks for sharing with me. "
Oh, great.
Just great.
One day left...
No girl.
No food.
No brandy.
Inga!
I should pack.
Oh, forget it.
Go to sleep.
In the morning...
everything...
is going to look a lot worse.
Ah.
Fuck.
Hey.
Excuse me.
Who are you?
What are you doing here?
I'm sorry.
My grandmother made this.
It's nice.
I...
I use it when I'm here.
Oh, great.
Do you also read my mail?
Look, I'm sorry.
I... I... I... I was...
I was stuck in the city,
and I... I tried to call my sister,
and she wasn't home, and then I didn't
have anyplace else to go, so I...
Save it, save it, save it.
I'm Ellen.
Oh...
You're Ellen...
the crazy painter lady
who yelled at me
because I put your basil plant
in a window box
that I built all by myself.
No, no, you see, I thought
Brian made the boxes and...
Brian's the guy who treated
your plants like dirt,
so you slept with him.
I'm the guy who left the notes
and leftovers
and did stuff around the house,
so you treated me like dirt.
That's not fair.
Are you crazy?
I know it's not fair.
It's what you did.
Yeah, well, you're not...
get mad at me about it.
Listening to me.
Why don't men ever listen?
Go away.
Come in.
Who is it?
Who is this clown?
Dartmouth, class of '84.
Dartmouth, class of '84.
Brian, meet Sam...
the woman-hater.
Oh, hey.
Nice to meet you.
Sorry to burst in on you
two lovebirds, but, uh...
Forgot my tux.
Ahh.
I don't want to keep my little
girl waiting at the altar,
you know what I mean?
Hey, can you tie this?
Yeah, sure. why not?
Oh, thanks.
Anything he says...
see what I mean?
What's his problem?
What's my problem?
You're throwing me out on
the street with no notice.
I don't know what
her problem is.
Well, I'm sorry, compadres,
but, uh...
You got to do what
you got to do.
Know what I mean?
Thanks, babe.
Mmm.
Adios, amigos.
Take care, man.
Well, listen, I'm sorry that
I yelled at you before.
But I'm...
I...
How can you sleep
with a guy like that?
You idiot!
I didn't mean to
sleep with him!
I meant to sleep with you!
Oh, well...
Well, that's okay.
You don't have to say that.
No. well, I did.
I bought clothes.
And I bought good food,
'cause I know you like food.
And I even bought caviar.
Chinese caviar?
Yes.
I just...
had the days confused, and...
Oops.
I'm sorry.
Listen, guys, you know,
I just realized something.
Just 'cause I'm giving up
the place doesn't mean, uh...
I'll tell Mrs. Winkler to sublet
it to the two of you...
for a while.
Uh, Brian?
Hey, pal, let me give you a tip.
One drink, and she's yours.
Arrivederci!
Yeah!
Wiggy, wiggy, wiggy, wiggy!
He's not such a bad guy.
Maybe I found a better guy.
I'm Sam.
I'm Ellen.
# More than you know
# More than you know
# Girl of my heart
# I love you so
# Lately I find
# You're on my mind
# More than you know
# Whether you're right
# Whether you're wrong
# Girl of my heart
# I'll string along
# You need me so
# More than you'll ever know
# Still picking
# Up the pieces of my heart
# Picking up the pieces
of my heart #
# Where is the
missing part?
# You broke it off
# Your name is engraved
in my soul #
# Your name is engraved
in my soul #
# Deep down inside
# Still feel the passion
you no longer show #
# So what do i do with
the thought of you? #
# Just can't get you
off my mind #
# Let me remind you
# True love like mine,
ain't no other place to find #
# Head over heels,
something's wrong #
# Puppy love, it can't be,
it's much too strong #
# Now you know how it feels if
you still remember long ago #
# Yes, you know
# I've been trying,
trying hard for so long #
# To let the bygones
be bygones #
# But it's a feeling
I can't bear #
# And I'll always be
waiting there #
# For you to come
back home
# Time and again
I try to fade away #
# Memories of you and me
# But ain't no use,
ain't no use #
# Ain't no use,
ain't no use #
# I'd have said, "Give it a
little more thought and time" #
# But keeping myself on a line
wouldn't make you mine #
# And as long as you're happy
# I should be fine
# So what do I do with
the thought of you? #
# Just can't seem to dry
my tears #
# So what do I do with
the thought of you? #
# To forget you
is my greatest fear #
# I'd lose my brain
and go insane #
# If you'd make me
wait in vain #
# So tell me something, baby
# Just to ease the pain
# Head over heels,
something's wrong #
# Puppy love, it can't be,
it's much too strong #
# Now you know how it feels if
you still remember long ago #
# Yes, you know
# I've been trying,
trying hard for so long #
# To let the bygones
be bygones #
# But it's a want
that I can't bear #
# And I'll always be
waiting there #
# For you to come
back home
# Come back home
# Come back home
# Head over heels,
something's wrong #
# Puppy love, it can't be,
it's much too strong #
# Now you know how it feels if
you still remember long ago #
# Yes, you know
# I've been trying,
trying hard for so long #
# To let the bygones
be bygones #
# But it's a want
that I can't bear #
# And i'll always be waiting
there for you to come back #
# Head over heels...
Chuck Barber here
with your sports update.
Recapping last
night's action...
The Yanks lost.
The Mets lost.
The Knicks lost.
The Nets lost.
In exhibition football...
Oh, man.
Only a sublet.
Only a sublet.
Fuck.
"Rare village charmer.
"Wood-burning 'firpoke'...
fireplace. "
It's probably a dump.
If it's not a dump,
it's probably gone.
If it's not gone,
there's a catch.
Yhere's always a catch.
# Oh, I used to ask
my mother #
# Would i ever find
true love? #
# She would tell me
# True love
# Mm-hmm
# Oh, yeah
# Is hard to find
# Mm-hmm
# So I've traveled on
# Everyone I came upon
# I would stop and ask,
they would tell me #
# "True love
# is hard to find"
# That's what they would say
# So years have passed
# And I'm all alone,
no longer do I #
You mind watching this for me?
# I just place my faith
# In five little words
# From way back in my past
# My mama said
# "Seek and you shall find"
# That's what mama said
# "Seek and you
shall find"
# 'Cause I know
if I keep trying #
# I can...
# 'Cause there's
no denying
# "Seek and you shall find"
# I know that's
what my mama said #
# "Seek and you shall find"
# Lord
# "Seek and you shall find"
Hello?
# If it's love that
you're looking for #
# "Seek and you
shall find"
I'll take it.
# It might be right
around the corner #
# Seek
You must be
Mr. Lester.
It's perfect.
Sam.
Hi, Sam.
Um, you know, Sam...
As I mentioned to you
on the phone,
it's a very unusual situation.
Well, it's...
It's just what
I'm looking for.
Mr. McVeigh is
getting married,
but he'd like to keep this
place and the furniture.
Tell me...
is the current tenant...
Oh, it's Brian McVeigh.
Is Brian color-blind?
Excuse me, madam.
No, it's okay.
It's my sister over here.
Hi, sweetheart.
Hello.
Your hair's lighter.
Oh, shut up.
You look great.
Nice outfit.
Oh, this?
Matinee day.
Oh, my God.
You saw a play.
I am shocked. No.
No, I went shopping.
Oh.
Bendel's is empty
on matinee day.
Of course.
How was work?
What could be new?
I came, I flossed, I polished.
Okay.
So, what's the big news?
You're not pregnant.
Lucy, I'm a married woman.
You're not having an affair.
Get real.
Okay, you give up?
You give up.
All right.
"Rare village charmer"...
It's only two days a week,
but it could be like my own
what-do-you-call-it in the city.
Pied- -terre.
Yeah, whatever.
But... on tuesdays,
I... I... I could go to museums.
And... and on thursdays...
for shopping.
I could paint.
But...
I could take an art class,
you know?
Mr. McVeigh would like
to offer you this place
two days a week
for $92 a month.
Sold.
You mean you don't care that
it's just two days a week?
Well, no. actually, it's all
I can afford right now.
Oh.
No, no, no. What I mean is...
I mean right now.
I'm already renting a place...
with roommates...
lots and lots of roommates.
Oh, well, then I'm sure
you'll enjoy some privacy
two nights a week.
Right.
Okay, now...
Brian keeps wednesdays
and fridays.
Tuesday nights and
thursday nights
have already been claimed.
So that leaves...
Well, so I'll take monday
and, um...
Saturday, in case I, uh,
want to go on a...
Well, not exactly a date,
but in case I...
In case you get lucky?
Brian, it's rented.
Mrs. Winkler...
I could kiss you.
I love this woman.
Okay, everybody,
I got an announcement.
I know there's been a lot
of rumors going around
that, uh, because of, uh...
because I'm...
Because she owns you.
Because of my betrothal,
I was going to give up...
pleasure.
The lion's den.
No. No. No.
Where there's a rent-controlled
lease, there's always a way.
So... what's the deal?
Well, two days a week...
T.G.I.F. and
wednesday-night poker.
Aah! Gimme, gimme,
gimme, gimme, yeah!
Ah!
Who commerced?
A - a stewardess?
I don't even know them.
I had, uh, my secretary
set up an unequal three-way
time-sharing progression.
Wiggy.
Wiggy-wiggy.
Yeah, right.
One's gonna paint...
and Mrs. Winkler
says the other one
is getting over
a - a broken heart.
Two years of my life.
What a waste.
I wonder how she's doing.
Oh, a mirror...
That's a little self-absorbed.
It's a reflection on our
narcissistic culture.
Yeah.
Sam, maybe you shouldn't
have come tonight.
I'm fine.
Adeeka, adeeka,
adeeka, adeeka.
La-di-da, la-di-da,
la-di-da, da-di-da.
My mother, my sister,
my mother, my sister.
What is she doing?
Aaah!
Oh! No!
Oh!
Jesus Christ.
What is she doing?
It's... it's an expression
of her frustration
with the weight
of European history.
Ah.
Shh!
Ahh. Ahh.
Oh...
Who's the little lobster?
Would you like some lobster?
Uncle Sam.
Would you dance with me, please?
Sam.
What's that supposed to mean?
It's a symbol, Sam.
Boys...
Aaah!
I thought it went over very well.
Bertrand missed his,
uh, lightning cues, the fool.
R - really?
I thought so.
But I don't think anybody
there noticed.
What does you know about art?
You know, pastel, I worry about
you walking home alone...
Sam!
In the neighborhood.
I don't use a lecture now.
All right.
Oh, Sammy.
The old apartment.
Put the bag there.
Ahh.
Hmm.
You put some new posters
of yourself up.
I didn't want, uh,
memories of us, uh,
haunting me now that the place
is mine now, hmm?
Hmm?
Hey, um...
You want me to...
run downstairs
and pick up some food and...
whip something up?
No.
When you cook for me,
I fall in love again.
I cannot do this now, hmm?
Mm.
I have an appointment early
in the morning for the PBS TV.
I show them tonight's tape.
Omelette?
Sam, mnh-mnh.
Someday when you're
a big restaurateur
and I am a star,
maybe for us it will work.
But now...
you must go.
Don't make it any harder for us.
Well...
Guess I'll be going.
Could you put out my cigarette?
Sure.
Ciao, Sammy.
# Rockaby, baby,
on the treetop #
Aah! # When the wind blows,
the cradle will rock #
Come on, baby. # When the bough breaks,
the cradle will fall #
Ooh! # And down will come baby,
cradle and all #
Yeah! Ooh!
Yeah!
Ooh! ooh! ooh!
Ooooh! Oh!
Ooh, yeah.
It's wake-up time, Brian.
Brian?
This is 96.3...
Good morning.
Nozart in the morning.
I was having the best
dream about us.
So was I.
Oh, I dreamt that we
were old, Brian...
and that we'd been
married for 50 years.
And all our grandchildren
and our great-grandchildren
were all gathered at Mommy's
in Nantucket
for our anniversary.
What was your dream about?
Mine?
Uh... like that.
Same kind.
Mr. Jonathan is coming over
wednesday after work,
and he's gonna show us
some fabrics.
We don't have to
decide right away.
That's what we pay him for.
Wednesday?
I thought I was
gonna see the guys.
Well, you'll have to
change it, darling.
No problem.
Oh, besides, we have the ballet
wednesday nights.
Oh, yeah, ballet.
I keep forgetting that.
Thank you. Good morning,
Mrs. Beehan.
Mr. Beehan.
What?
No.
No, I'm Beehan, he's McVeigh,
but just for a few more months.
Ah, fuck.
Excuse me.
Rinse, Mr. Potesky.
I said, "Rinse," not gargle,
Mr. Potesky.
Rinse.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You may spit.
Would you adjust
my headrest again
on the left side here, 'cause...
Do you like my shirt?
It's very nice.
I just got it in London.
Would you... have...
Would you like to go
to London sometime?
I'm a married woman, Mr. Potesky.
Happily?
Dr. John.
Dr. John...
she won't go to London
with me, Doc.
Have a lolly.
He's all yours.
Thanks.
Can I ask you something?
When she works on me
with those rubber gloves,
that's just a standard practice
now, isn't it?
It's not...
Open.
Ahh.
I know, I know... I'm late.
It's okay.
There was a tie-up on the belt
parkway you wouldn't believe.
Oh, Aaron, it's not like the
tuna's gonna get cold.
All right, the truth...
I was at Marty's
watching the islanders,
overtime.
Look, I was with...
Pass the ketchup.
Oh, thanks.
Yeah.
Anyway, uh...
I was with Lucy, and she wanted...
That's good-looking tuna.
I lied.
There was no overtime.
No one's making a federal
case out of it.
I've got a surprise.
We're moving.
What?
To where?
To our new ranch-style
modern colonial
with wrap deck
and hallway atrium.
What?
You're joking.
No. I just went out and did it.
Marty talked me into it.
Exit 52 on the L.I.E.
Sparrow's nest
development.
Oh.
I got it.
Secret garret...
rediscovers a horizon
of color...
and form.
And I'll take half a
pound of French Chevret.
Want to try domestic?
What's the difference?
About $4 a pound.
Otherwise, the French
is a little more status.
The domestic is... it's fresher.
It's milkier.
We have some very good...
I'll take the French.
French.
Thank you.
Heathens.
Sam, pick up line 2.
Line 2, Sam. Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Got to buy French cheese.
Got to buy French cheese.
Hello?
Good morning.
This is Mrs. Winkler
calling for Brian McVeigh...
Uh, who's had an unavoidable
change of scheduling
and was wondering
if you wouldn't mind
switching your monday night
for his wednesday.
Just wednesday?
Mm-hmm.
Uh, sure.
Wednesday is fine.
Oh, good.
Then it's settled.
Now, it'll be Brian on monday
and Sam wednesday.
Oh, should I send you
another chart?
No. don't be silly, Mrs. Winkler.
Bye.
Oh, yes!
Yes!
Excuse me.
Uh, excuse me.
half a pound of
St. Andr triple crme, please.
Triple crme.
Triple crme.
That is heart-attack cheese.
just take a knife to your
heart and stab it.
It's, uh... a little over.
Stupid French.
Sam.
Smoke cigarettes.
Come on, Sam.
Eat fat cheese.
It doesn't hurt them.
Nothing hurts them.
But no charge.
Sam, this isn't about cheese.
It's not about cheese,
It's too bad?
Faux pas.
Pity, sadness.
What are you...
Camus?
Is Pastel seeing someone, Sam?
No.
Yes.
Maybe.
I don't know.
I'm sorry.
Big deal.
What's the difference?
Why? What makes
you think that she is?
Well, an artist needs...
Needs to experience things.
What does that mean?
I suppose that I'm
sexually paranoid?
No, it's too late.
You're way past that.
You're on the verge
of the psychotic.
What's her problem, then?
No matter what I want from her,
she can't give it to me.
What is her problem that no matter what
I want from her, she can't give it to me.
What is her problem that no matter what
I want from her... Sam, instead of asking
maybe it would be better to ask,
"What is my problem...
that I am trying to get something from
someone who can't give it to me?"
What's your point?
My point is...
I've got a girl I want you
to meet, to date.
Oh, no.
No, I can't.
I couldn't.
You can, Sam.
You should.
It's Catha.
Come in.
I know.
I know I have been in
this building before.
It is the weirdest thing,
but I know.
I know. yes.
Yes. Yes.
Well, maybe you were.
I'm Sam.
But I wasn't, don't you see?
I wasn't...
Not in this life.
But there's an aura I...
I know.
I know, kooky, right?
No, no.
N - not at all.
My chiropractor, Tom...
he's wonderful.
He's just amazing.
And he says that maybe
it's my alignment.
Is that veal?
Not just any veal.
I don't eat veal.
I... I don't eat meat, but
I especially do not eat veal.
Do you know how they treat
veal when it's young?
Well, actually,
veal isn't an animal.
They pen it up. Lillian says that it's...
Who's Lillian?
Lillian, my nutritionalist, she says
that it's antibiotics and steroids...
All right, well,
we don't have to eat it.
All right.
I could make an omelette.
Eggs, uh, don't combine at all.
No, they don't, do they?
I combine now.
Besides, I'm...
I'm lacto-ovo.
Well, so was my sister,
except for Chinese food.
Right.
Okay.
Uh...
Kenneth tells me that you two
went to art school together.
Oh, yes.
Um, a lifetime ago.
Wine?
No.
Alcohol...
Doesn't combine, does it?
It... it breeds yeast.
"Dear Thursday...
"You can savor
my veal stew...
or you can turn this page. "
Okay.
"I'll spare you the
humiliating details,
"but last night's date
was a wash,
"which means if you don't eat
my leftovers,
"they will spoil...
"Which brings me back
to last night's date.
Enough said. "
Yeah.
"Hope you enjoy it.
Leave me the dishes.
Yours in rent control,
wednesday. "
Hmm.
Yeah!
Football...
the Giants dropped a...
# Her name came up today
# To my surprise
# My eyes watered up
# But I didn't cry
# I pictured our
good times
# And I almost
had a laugh
# I'm finally bouncin' back
# I'm finally bouncin' back,
yeah #
# Fall and winter's gone
# I've made it
through the cold #
# Shivered through some storms,
man, all night all alone #
# I didn't like that
# I can see that silver lining #
# I see it now at last
# I'm finally bouncin' back
# I'm finally bouncin' back
# I'm finally bouncin' back
You sure... you sure you
don't want some wine?
No.
No, really.
Okay.
#... To sing again
# I've got the urge
# To dance hello.
# I can see myself again
# Giving love just
one more chance #
# I've been away too long,
way off track #
# I'm finally bouncin' back
# i'm finally bouncin' back
# I'm finally bouncin' back
# I've been away too long,
way off track #
# And I'm finally
bouncin' back #
# I'm finally bouncin' back
# I've got the
urge to dance
"Dear roommate, love what
you did to the apartment.
Ellen.
P.S., food's great. "
Let me see that note.
Nah. Official.
What?
Who's it from?
The painter chick,
the one who comes on thursday.
You doing her, huh?
Wiggy, wiggy, wiggy.
You giving her the big dart, huh?
Hey, come back here.
Wiggy!
She just left a note saying
how much she likes the place.
Obviously, she's got good taste.
Obviously.
Hey, guys, check this out.
The new remote control.
Ooh!
Chuck Barber here in the studio.
While we were away,
the umpires have convened
on the field
and are meeting to discuss...
well, let's just take a look down there
and see what's going on.
It turns out the umpires
have decided
to call out the grounds crew here.
Uh, the, uh, storm
that is brewing...
it shouldn't be with us too long,
I can't believe this.
But, hey, no sense in taking chances.
Where's it raining?
You know, driving over here...
Huh? Tell me!
Where the fuck is it raining?!
Shit... the pizza.
Oh, God.
Oh, great.
Hey, pizza's on fire.
hey, i screwed up.
Would you put it out?
There's a cappuccino place...
He is such a jerk.
Look at this.
I sewed these by hand.
Then you deserve what you get.
Oh, God.
These are good.
So what if he used your
curtains to drain them?
No. That's the...
This is the other guy.
This is t-the bad man.
Those are from the good man.
Mmm.
You really should meet him
one of these days.
Oh, that's it.
God damn it.
Has he no shame?
No.
Come on, just try.
I don't have to do anything
or be anything. Come on.
I don't have to do anything
or be anything.
Okay?
Good.
And...
I can love myself just
because i'm me.
Sam, girl on line one.
American accent.
Hello?
Where the hell
do you get off?
I'm sorry, who's this?
I'm ellen. I'm not your mother.
I'm not your wife.
I'm not supposed to clean up
after you,
and what you did to my basil plants
is completely unforgivable.
Oh, wait a minute.
You're Ellen from the apartment?
Duh.
Uh, you didn't like
what I did to the plant?
I thought that you'd be happy.
Happy?
You thought I'd be happy?
This is unbelievable. You thought
I'd be happy? You know what?
You're out of your
fucking macho mind!
Mnh-mnh-mnh.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Next.
Mrs. Winkler...
could you send some flowers to
my tuesday and thursday woman
at the lion's den?
She, uh, sent me
a nice note.
"Mi casa es su casa.
Fondly, Brian. "
Ellen, hi.
I bought you a little gift.
Mr. Potesky, I thought
you just had x-rays.
Huh? Oh, no,
but I moved last time.
Maybe you should hold me down.
Hold you down?
Ellen, it's Aaron. He's getting
out of work early tonight.
Hi. I can't... I can't talk.
I have Mr. Potesky in the chair.
Tonight?
Oh, Christ.
I don't even know
what she's doing.
Isn't she supposed to be dead?
Game's starting.
Aaron, it's just two
more minutes.
Chuck Barber back with you
in the NCK Studios.
If you're an islander fan,
you'll want to...
Ellen, we're gonna miss
the 10:40.
Who cares? Relax.
A foreign movie.
I don't read enough during the
I have a surprise for you.
Just hold on one second. What is it?
Okay, wait. Shh.
Close your eyes.
Why?
Because I have a surprise for you.
Oh, oh, come on, this is so stupid.
Come on. No, it's not.
Come on.
Give me your hand.
Ellen, what are you doing?
I'm adding romance to our life.
We're married.
We're gonna have a nice,
little romantic evening in this place.
Stay right there.
Okay.
Music.
Oh.
Back.
What is this?
This is, um,
you know Karen,
the receptionist at work...
she gave it to us
for the evening.
It's like our own little
romantic pied- -terre
in the city.
Ellen?
Yeah?
Ellen. Ellen.
Ellen. Ellen.
This is a slum.
I... I... it reminds me
of my grandmother's.
There's no carpet.
It's old.
I...
Oh, look at these.
Look at these paintings.
I imagine what she paid for this place.
So it's a rental, right?
She could probably own something
in flushing for less.
#... To dry my tears
# So what do I do with
the thought of you? #
# To forget you
is my greatest fear #
# I'd lose my...
Oh, shit.
It's the fun cops.
Come on,
I got to go to work.
I'm sorry, dude.
You know how it is.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
P - Pastel, what are you
doing here? Oh, Sam.
What is it you're doing here?
Oh.
Bark, bark, woof!
How can you eat that stuff?
Sam, don't start.
Fine.
Hey, Pastel, bonjour.
You believe this?
No, I didn't know Shep
was crashed with Sam.
Who... who's Shep?
Hey, dude.
I'm a friend of Leslie's.
I got here last night. Morning.
Last night? You met him last night,
and already you're sleeping with him?
So what?
Get on my back already.
I'm not your little girl
waiting to be rescued.
Where did you guys meet?
Mm, well, a meat market.
Oh, Sam.
I am sorry you cannot deal
with rejection.
Oh, I'm being rejected.
I'm being rejected.
That's a good one.
Mm-hmm.
I'm not being rejected.
I'm...
I'm disappointed in you.
Who's being rejected?
Sam. Good morning, Leslie.
Hey, Shep.
Hi, Les.
Go ahead. Play water
sports with Tex here.
That ought to liberate you
artistically.
You're very hard on her.
Oh, you see?
Oh, you see.
Oh, everyone sees.
You want me to be
something you want,
not what I want!
What you say you want to do,
not what you do do!
No, I do do what I say I do!
What I don't do
is what you say I do!
I want to do.
I don't understand that.
Um, uh, uh, more coffee?
I... no, I can't deal with this now.
I can't deal with this now.
Uh, I have a rehearsal at PBS
for my video.
Not that you care even still.
Why should I care about that?
Oh, that's nice.
Typical male ego.
No, you leave Sam alone!
Oh, ho ho.
Well, Sam...
Will you tape it for me tonight
on your VCR?
Huh?
Please?
Sammy.
Hmm?
Excuse me.
Do you have any really poor-quality,
low-grade videotape?
That's it.
Now I know it's over.
That was a tough morning, Sam.
No, no, the music.
You know you're really breaking
up when every last song you hear,
no matter how stupid, suddenly
sounds incredibly poignant.
#... And I'm with you
This is the saddest song.
# And all that I so want to
give you, babe #
Thank you very much.
Yep.
Have a nice day.
She had no way of knowing
you were living there, too.
That's the thing.
It's almost like...
like I was meant to see her,
so it would finally sink in.
$4.50. no bag.
Save a tree.
I mean, it can't be an accident
that the guy she picked up
just got into New York
and happens to be
crashing at the place
that I happen to be subletting.
You know?
Hello?
Don't you think?
I mean, there's got to be
a reason for it, right?
Sam, there is no reason
for anything.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Remind me never to
invite you to a funeral.
Whatever happens, happens, Sam.
That's all I'm saying.
Pez?
Sure.
Uh, nah.
Yeah.
Ah. I can't make up my mind.
But you need to have
a little fun in your life.
Whatever happened to Catha?
We didn't combine well.
Well, why don't you ask Leslie out?
Oh, come on.
No, I... I'm not ready for
a relationship right now.
I can't handle it.
Well...
Can't even handle a plant.
On the bright side,
no sex is safe sex.
Yeah.
You know what I'd like? You want
to know what I'd like right now?
I'd like to meet a girl
from Norway...
who speaks no English at all and is
only in this country for two weeks
'cause she's gonna be flying
to Malaysia or Burma
and gonna stay there
for about five years.
That I can handle.
Pardon me.
Do you know if I am
Greenwich Village?
There it is.
Over there.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's over there.
It's over there.
Right here...
Will be a two-story atrium.
So when you walk in past
the landscaped lawn area,
you'll get a feeling of vastness...
Of openness, if you will.
A chandelier above...
will light the way
toward...
the colonial-style living room...
with mock fieldstone fireplace.
Now, the bedrooms...
Uh, you ordered, uh...
Four.
Two boys and a girl.
Aaron means well, you know,
but it's just like the whole day
I felt like I was in
another time zone.
Yeah, like 20 years.
Do you want to stay
here for a while?
You're welcome to.
I keep trying to tell him, but it's
like he just doesn't want to listen.
Well, you've got
to do something.
You can't move out there.
I'm thinking of having an affair.
You're kidding.
You mean you're not upset?
Just let me know if
you want me to lie
or to cover or to stall... anything.
It's gonna be weird, though...
sleeping with another man.
God.
Can you imagine?
Promise to tell me what it's like.
It's been so long.
Yeah, like 29 years.
Well, ellen, you're 29.
Yeah.
So it can't have been 29 years.
It can't?
Not unless...
No.
Don't tell me.
What?
Oh, my God.
What?!
I'm sorry. It's just...
How can that be?
I don't know.
Talk to me.
Do you sell caviar?
I'm cheese.
Caviar's down there.
They told me that you...
you would know.
I'm kind of an institution
around here.
Um, all right,
what's the occasion?
Uh, well, one... it's a special
night with a special person.
And two...
I have champagne.
And, uh, three...
what goes with it?
Four... anything but tuna.
Oh.
Excuse me.
All right,
so much for jokes.
No, it was funny.
It was just...
Uh, how well does this special
person know his caviar?
Um, I'm not sure.
Well, how well do you know
this special person?
Well, we... we, uh,
live together.
Excuse me.
I'm double-parked.
I have some, uh,
overpriced beluga.
Oh, it's marvelous.
I had it last weekend.
And I have some California.
It's trendy, but so-so.
Or we just got a new shipment in
from China.
I've tasted it, and it's fine,
really fine.
Only thing is, nobody believes
that they make caviar in China,
so it's about half the price.
Mm.
It's a really special evening.
I know.
You'll take the overpriced beluga.
No.
Um... just give me enough
for two people,
and I think he eats a lot.
She trusts me.
She trusts me.
I'll take the overpriced beluga.
T.G.I.F.!
Wiggy.
Okay.
Let the game begin.
What? Buddha's not coming?
He watched the game already.
Great. We all agree not to watch it,
and he watches the game.
Ow! Why do you think these people
invented the VCR?
Hey.
What the fuck?
What... I don't believe this shit.
Well, you must have set
it wrong... the timer.
Right.
Me... set a VCR timer wrong?
Well, Brian, does she look
like a linebacker to you?
Oh, shit.
The chick must have taped it.
Oh, Christ. this is some
sort of PBS thing.
PBS? We're fucked.
Yeah.
Oh, shit.
I'm sorry, guys.
Fast-forward it.
...channel 21...
Chris Spunkhouser from
the Boston area.
Oh. Now, Chris is in a real...
Now they're gonna auction off
Leonard Bernstein's barcalounger!
I'm sorry, guys.
This is a nightmare.
you're losing control.
I'm really sorry.
Another?
Mm...
No.
I really shouldn't.
I'm about to have my first affair.
Oh.
Well, then you really should.
On the house.
Hey, everybody,
this lady's just about...
No. Shh.
Don't tell anybody.
I'm married.
Ah.
Are you nervous?
No.
Why?
I don't know.
Maybe a little, yeah.
Ah, don't be.
You look great.
You're gonna be fine.
My husband doesn't
understand me.
He never will.
You deserve better.
Do I?
Mm-hmm.
To the man who really
understands you.
Yeah.
To Brian.
# Sit right down
and let me tell you #
# What my love is to me
I do.
# It's gonna be just dandy
# The day I take my candy
# And make her mine,
all mine #
# The day I take my candy
# And make her mine,
all mine #
It's open.
Hi.
I'm Ellen.
Ellen?
Oh, yeah, the painter chick.
Well, come on in.
Uh, I'm sorry. you're expecting
someone, aren't you?
Oh, this?
Nah.
I had some company earlier,
but, uh...
They pussied out.
I was just, um...
in the neighborhood,
you know, and, um...
I forgot my umbrella.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Is it raining?
No.
But it's so hot and sticky out,
I wish it would.
It's funny, isn't it?
All this time living
together, and, uh...
We never actually meet.
Yeah.
But I liked your roses.
Oh.
Hey, um...
Could you?
Oh, yeah.
You know, uh...
You're exactly the way
I pictured you.
I am?
Mm.
So, Marty, you want to know
where I'm going tonight?
Did you tell him we were closing?
Yes.
Sorry, Ramon.
He's a kidder, Eddie.
Good night. Good night.
So, Marty, aren't you gonna
ask me what I'm doing tonight?
What's to ask? You go home,
you eat some tuna, you piddle. Unh-unh.
I got tickets to see Neil
Diamond at The Coliseum.
You're shitting me.
Look at that.
Scalper.
Ellen doesn't know about it.
I'm gonna go up to Lucy's
and get her... surprise her.
Wow.
Pow.
Something wrong with
the electricity in here?
No, no, no.
It's fine.
There's, uh, plenty between us.
Yeah, right.
Oh, that was sarcastic, right?
I shouldn't do that.
I...
God. I wish you had
your uniform on.
I love those little white skirts.
Um, you hungry?
I have some, you know,
caviar, champagne.
I'm, uh, just a little drunk.
That's okay.
I like that in a woman.
Oh.
Good.
Nah.
Come on.
What?
We both know why you're here.
Oh, shit.
Lucy!
Hi, it's me... Aaron!
Get my wife!
I got a surprise for her!
Oh, shit.
What?!
How sweet!
Uh, it's too bad.
She's, um, not here!
Where is she?
Where is she?!
Oh, she...
She had to go back to the city
all of a sudden!
A dental-hygiene emergency!
Oh, for crying out loud.
When was this?
Oh, God.
I don't know.
You know me!
I'm just... ecch!
Oh.
Uh...
I guess I better wait.
She's not gonna
want to miss this...
Neil Diamond.
Oh, you're kidding.
Um, w... um,
she left a number.
Maybe I can reach her.
Great.
Oh, look, how do I get this off?
Uh, it's really...
I mean, what is this...
Beat the clock?
All right, come on, baby.
Just let me lie down.
Just relax.
Shh.
Ay-yi-yi.
Man...
You came to play.
Good windup, good delivery...
good follow-through.
What?
Uh, just a little, uh,
play-by-play.
Can you, like, hold me
or something?
I thought we were done.
Okay.
You know, uh...
You're really a great fuck.
I can't believe you just said that.
Oh, but it's true.
Mm.
No, I just...
I don't know. I guess maybe
I thought you were...
a little bit more romantic.
I guess I don't really
know you, and...
Brian McVeigh.
Dartmouth, class of '84.
No, I mean, I...
I guess I just had a different
image of you...
with your music and...
cooking and... furniture.
Yeah, it's nice stuff, huh?
Oh, "Beyond the Fjord. "
Wasn't this a good movie.
I really liked this.
I was so glad you
cut that ad out,
and I found it.
Right.
Me see a foreign movie?
It's bad enough I got to go see
the, uh, ballet
with my, uh, fianc.
Fianc? Fian...
Fianc?!
How could you?
It wasn't my idea.
Her folks got us
season tickets...
Every wednesday.
Aren't you here wednesdays?
No. That's why I had to switch
my nights with, uh...
Uh...
Sam?
Oh...
Oh...
Oh, my God.
What?
Oh, my God.
What?
I slept with the wrong guy.
Oh, my God.
The one time in my life I cheat,
and I screw it up,
and I sleep with the wrong guy.
And you...
How could you?!
It's... you know,
one last fling.
A condemned man is entitled
to one last hearty breakfast.
Oh, shut up!
What?
What did I say?
I mean, how could you sleep
with me?!
Yeah, but that's because I
thought you were someone else.
Boy...
Way to make a guy feel wanted.
I mean, you don't
even know me.
Well, at least I know
who you were.
You're the babe who cooks
all that great food.
No, that is Sam, you idiot!
You're the one with
the ugly furniture!
No, baby,
You got it all wrong.
This is my furniture.
His is the ugly stuff.
Oh, my God.
What? What?
What?
Aaron.
Chicks.
Yeah?
Can... can you take
me to Elmhurst?
No, no, I don't know where it is.
It's in queens.
No, no, madam, that's very far.
Please.
Come on, no... please.
I need to go to Queens.
Uh, but...
Come on, lady.
Ple... Hello? Hello?
Please don't cry. I... I said
I'll take you to Queens.
I need to go to Queens.
We'll go to Queens.
Here. Here.
See? We go to Queens.
I slept with the wrong guy.
Don't be so hard on him, lady.
Give him a chance.
How could I be so stupid to
sleep with the wrong guy?!
Oh, don't worry.
You'll find the right guy.
You'll find a better guy.
I have a better guy!
Then what's the problem?
Well, what am I gonna tell
my husband?
Oh.
Don't tell him.
Don't tell him anything.
If he doesn't know,
he'll take you back.
But I don't want him to take me back.
But then what do you want?
I want Sam!
Now, who is Sam?
I don't know!
Oh!
Oh, there's something...
and what do you...
Madam, this is a taxi, madam,
not a bedroom.
I got to get...
Oh.
Calm down.
Calm...
Here. Here, blow your...
I didn't mean to do it.
Calm.
Everything will be fine.
Oh, shit.
The game was great.
Watched it twice...
with the guys.
Yeah...
Good night.
Brian?
Oh, Brian.
Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian.
What have you been doing?
I was out with Lucy.
Uh, you know, I was, uh...
No, I wasn't.
I was out.
Yeah, I know.
I'm sorry.
What are you sorry about?
Nothing happened to be sorry
about, right?
No, something happened.
Just like that.
Just like that.
You're buying houses...
without telling me, Aaron.
You know, you're naming children.
And...
It's not my fault.
I'm not screwing around.
Don't blame me 'cause
you're having an affair.
I don't know why I did it.
I... I, uh...
It didn't even mean
anything, anyway.
Maybe I did it 'cause
I'm trying to tell you,
and I'm t-trying to tell myself
that I'm not happy.
Ellen...
If I want to get your attention...
I don't throw a rock at your head.
All you had to do
was say something.
How could you buy a house
without telling me?
I love you.
That's what you do.
You marry, you...
you buy a house,
you have children.
That's what you do.
You should have told me.
I'm gonna pretend this
didn't happen, okay?
Uh, neither of us
will mention it.
I'm sorry...
Aaron.
Oh, what for?
Nothing happened.
Nothing's changed.
# Your love,
lifting me higher #
Ciao.
# Than I've ever
been lifted before #
Less.
More.
Less.
More.
More.
Less.
Okay.
# You know your love
# Your love keeps lifting me
# Keep on lifting
Um, I'd like the other piece.
# Higher and higher
# I said your love
# Your love keeps lifting me
No problem, ma'am.
That's what we're here for.
# Higher and higher
Have a nice day.
Sam, are you all right?
Guess who's coming to dinner.
# Disappointment
was my closest friend #
# But then you came,
and he soon departed #
# And you know he never showed
his face again #
# That's why your love
# Your love keeps lifting me
Mmm.
Oh, mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
It's good.
Good.
Thank you.
What is?
It's pasta with duck.
Dog? Dog?
Dog? No. Oh, no, no, no,
no, duck. Duck.
Um, um, not dog.
Not dog.
Uh...
Duck.
Quack, quack, quack.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Duck. Little duck.
More.
We need more wine.
I'll go get some,
and I will be right back.
I go.
I go?
No, no.
You stay, I go.
Be right back.
Right back.
Oh, my God.
Stay.
Oh.
Just...
Just stay.
Stay. Stay.
Hello.
Aaah!
How much are these potatoes?
How...
Hello?
You're welcome.
My name is Inga.
Hello?
Hello?
Hi.
Hi.
Oh, Inga.
Inga, you waited.
You are welcome to me.
Thank you, God.
Hi.
Do you know who
lives next door?
No.
No.
Ooh!
You wouldn't believe
what goes on in there.
Oooh!
This one's a painter.
That one's a cook.
What about the roses
from Brian?
Have you, um...
Have you seen him
in there before?
Maybe.
I don't know for sure.
You don't know?
He forgets.
Twice a week he comes.
Uh, like clockwork.
But like I said, it's his own
business what he does.
And, um... and the girl?
Oh, don't know this one.
There's another.
Oh, oh, painter. Ooh-ooh.
Twice a week.
Like clockwork.
Thank you.
I just...
I got to go now.
But like I said,
that's his business.
We don't see a thing.
Fjord. Oslo.
Ahhh.
Mm. Mm.
Son of a bitch? Son of a bitch?
Oh, you no-good son of a bitch!
What? What?
Okay, where's Brian?
Huh?
Uh...
Who is Brian?
I... I... I think that you have
the wrong night.
No, no, no, stay. Calm down.
Oh, bullshit!
Calm down. Stay.
Where is he?
L - lady, please, I beg you.
Come out,
you son of a bitch!
No. no, no, no, no.
Stay.
No, no, no.
I... I can explain.
See, I don't actually,
uh, live here alone.
I mean, I do,
when I have the place,
but I... I only have the place
t - two nights a week.
It's kind of a - a
timeshare thing.
Um, you know, this new
york space is tight. No!
Lady, stop!
Stop!
Stop. Stop.
Anyway, this woman
seems to be looking
for one of the co-tenants.
And, uh, uh, evidently they've
been having some discord.
Get out!
Get out! Get out!
Get out!
Get out! Get out!
Take it ea...
No, Inga.
You're welcome to me.
You're welcome to me. Out!
Inga.
Inga!
I don't know who you are...
or what you're doing here...
but I want you to know
you have just committed
the single cruelest act
since they shot Babar's mom.
I'm sorry.
You're sorry?
You come barging
into a stranger's house
at the worst possible moment,
and you have no idea
how much I needed
or how long I've been waiting
for that worst possible moment.
You destroyed my one chance
of happiness in this world,
and you're sorry?
I was looking for Brian.
Oh, well, he's not here.
I'm Sam.
This is my night!
What does that have to do
with anything?!
Have you ever heard
of knocking
before coming into
a stranger's home?!
Well, I thought that he
was having an affair!
Brian?
The developmentally stunted,
consumer-obsessed, color-blind,
white-bread-eating man-child
trapped in a pudgy body
having an affair?!
I don't think so!
You are talking about
my husband-to-be.
I have never actually met him.
I'm just piecing it together
from clues.
Well, he's having an affair.
You're gonna marry him.
You have to sleep with him.
From what I can tell,
he uses this place
as a clubhouse.
It's some kind of tree house
for him and his fraternity friends.
They're brokers.
Sue me.
I thought that he was
having an affair.
Lady, is it possible
that you're being
sexually paranoid?
Who would sleep
with this palooka?
A painter.
Ellen?
Twice a week for months.
How do you know?
The neighbors.
I don't even have to
know the woman,
and she betrays me.
You're in love with her, too.
This is disgusting.
Calm down, lady.
I don't even know her.
We wrote each other
a few notes.
I built a window box
for a basil plant.
She went nuts on me.
Well, I'm gonna kill him.
And the wedding's off.
Shut up.
You're upset.
Your feelings are hurt.
Try to keep some perspective.
You love this guy.
Have you eaten?
I thought I did.
You love him...
So if you want him back,
you'll get him back...
Just as long as you
don't freak out.
Sex is a little bit like politics.
The incumbent always
has the advantage.
How romantic.
When something
like this happens,
the best thing you can do
is just accept it.
If you try to make him do something
that he doesn't want to do, he'll resent it.
And it'll come up later somehow.
Did you cook this?
Look, all that i'm saying is...
you can't change somebody...
not overnight.
If you take away his freedom,
he'll feel it... choked.
That's probably why he kept this
apartment in the first place.
If you let him choose,
he'll choose you.
Boy, Sam, I'll bet you're really
good at relationships.
Me?
A genius.
Mmm.
This is really good.
Thank you.
Do you have wine?
Yeah, sure.
Brian, you're awake.
We need to talk.
It's okay.
We don't have to talk.
We're both a little jumpy
these days,
and, uh...
I think it's only natural.
Shh. Uh-oh.
Here he comes.
So, uh, if you could tell
Mr. Jameson
we can, uh, do a lunch
at, uh, 2:00 at Raul's.
Cut it off! Cut it off!
Cut it off!
Huh!
Whoo-whoo-whoo!
Wiggy, wiggy, wiggy!
Wiggy, wiggy, wiggy!
Well...
guys, you've, uh...
really outdone yourselves
this time.
This is really, uh...
thoughtless.
Mrs. Winkler,
could you dispose of this?
A - and also,
I... I think it's time we got...
rid of the lion's den.
So notify the tenants.
Ellen?
Sorry.
Thanks.
Thanks for the rush.
I got a really big night
on the town tonight.
Oh, yeah, you want
to take my wife?
She likes big nights
out on the town.
Right, Marty?
Uh...
All right, thanks.
Hi.
Hi.
I spilled some wine.
I'm afraid it's ruined.
Hi, Aaron.
Hi, Suzanne.
How are you?
Good.
You are so lucky to have him.
Anyway, it's, uh...
I think it'll come out.
No one will notice.
You see how she thinks, Marty?
Ellen, this is silk.
Don't listen to her promises.
We can touch it up. It won't go away.
He's so honest.
Thank you.
See you.
Bye.
Ellen, if it's ruined,
tell them it's ruined.
My wife...
thinks she can fix everything.
Everything can be fixed.
Oh! I knew we should have
taken Northern Boulevard.
Aaron, it happens.
We took a wrong turn,
and we're stuck in traffic.
Right. Right.
Fast.
Right?
Right, fast.
It's moving now.
All right.
Move.
All right!
Right Le...
No, you missed it.
You missed it.
Oh, this is great.
I told you the right lane.
you don't listen.
You're so stupid.
Why don't you
let me drive?
Now what?
You want to drive?
Drive.
Fellas, fellas, fellas,
it's a private party.
Get bent, man.
I think you're a cowboy...
Samuel, one codependents
anonymous meeting, just one.
Look what it's done for me.
Shit!
Uh-oh!
Club-soda stain.
Better get a little red wine.
It'll lift that club soda
right out of there.
Pastel.
Oh, Sammy!
Sammy!
How the hell are you?
Oh, do you have my VCR tape?
Oh, jeez, I... I didn't know
that you were gonna be at the
gallery, so I didn't bring it.
But I have it,
and I'm sure that I can get it
to you some other time.
Aah!
I'm over her.
You're better off.
What?
You're better off.
Yeah.
Uh, come, Sammy.
Let's dance.
Oh. I don't know if...
Aah! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Excuse me.
Ow!
Come. come, come, come, come.
Come on.
Come, come.
I'm kind of drunk, Pastel.
I don't think this is a good idea.
Yes, it is.
Bark, bark.
Come on.
Whoo!
Pastel, you can't do this.
Why not?
Come on, stop.
Uh...
No, no, no.
Get up. You can't...
Get up.
Ooh-whee!
You can't keep
picking people up
and using them whenever
you want to.
Oh!
Since when?
Sammy, why are you
so serious?
Pastel.
Just cut the shit, Pastel!
It's enough!
Aah!
Aah!
Aah! Oh!
Goodbye, Pastel.
Bye... everybody.
It's been a great party.
See you, kids.
Bye.
Oh, merci.
It's okay.
So I'm alone now.
Lots of people are alone,
and they love it.
Hermits are alone.
Mass murderers.
Postal clerks.
It's not so bad.
At least I've got the place.
The hearth.
The sanctuary.
Hmm.
"Eviction notice.
"Amigos...
"our noble experiment
has come to an end.
"Thanks for sharing with me.
Brian.
P.S. please have all your
stuff out by monday. "
"Thanks for sharing with me. "
Oh, great.
Just great.
One day left...
No girl.
No food.
No brandy.
Inga!
I should pack.
Oh, forget it.
Go to sleep.
In the morning...
everything...
is going to look a lot worse.
Ah.
Fuck.
Hey.
Excuse me.
Who are you?
What are you doing here?
I'm sorry.
My grandmother made this.
It's nice.
I...
I use it when I'm here.
Oh, great.
Do you also read my mail?
Look, I'm sorry.
I... I... I... I was...
I was stuck in the city,
and I... I tried to call my sister,
and she wasn't home, and then I didn't
have anyplace else to go, so I...
Save it, save it, save it.
I'm Ellen.
Oh...
You're Ellen...
the crazy painter lady
who yelled at me
because I put your basil plant
in a window box
that I built all by myself.
No, no, you see, I thought
Brian made the boxes and...
Brian's the guy who treated
your plants like dirt,
so you slept with him.
I'm the guy who left the notes
and leftovers
and did stuff around the house,
so you treated me like dirt.
That's not fair.
Are you crazy?
I know it's not fair.
It's what you did.
Yeah, well, you're not...
get mad at me about it.
Listening to me.
Why don't men ever listen?
Go away.
Come in.
Who is it?
Who is this clown?
Dartmouth, class of '84.
Dartmouth, class of '84.
Brian, meet Sam...
the woman-hater.
Oh, hey.
Nice to meet you.
Sorry to burst in on you
two lovebirds, but, uh...
Forgot my tux.
Ahh.
I don't want to keep my little
girl waiting at the altar,
you know what I mean?
Hey, can you tie this?
Yeah, sure. why not?
Oh, thanks.
Anything he says...
see what I mean?
What's his problem?
What's my problem?
You're throwing me out on
the street with no notice.
I don't know what
her problem is.
Well, I'm sorry, compadres,
but, uh...
You got to do what
you got to do.
Know what I mean?
Thanks, babe.
Mmm.
Adios, amigos.
Take care, man.
Well, listen, I'm sorry that
I yelled at you before.
But I'm...
I...
How can you sleep
with a guy like that?
You idiot!
I didn't mean to
sleep with him!
I meant to sleep with you!
Oh, well...
Well, that's okay.
You don't have to say that.
No. well, I did.
I bought clothes.
And I bought good food,
'cause I know you like food.
And I even bought caviar.
Chinese caviar?
Yes.
I just...
had the days confused, and...
Oops.
I'm sorry.
Listen, guys, you know,
I just realized something.
Just 'cause I'm giving up
the place doesn't mean, uh...
I'll tell Mrs. Winkler to sublet
it to the two of you...
for a while.
Uh, Brian?
Hey, pal, let me give you a tip.
One drink, and she's yours.
Arrivederci!
Yeah!
Wiggy, wiggy, wiggy, wiggy!
He's not such a bad guy.
Maybe I found a better guy.
I'm Sam.
I'm Ellen.
# More than you know
# More than you know
# Girl of my heart
# I love you so
# Lately I find
# You're on my mind
# More than you know
# Whether you're right
# Whether you're wrong
# Girl of my heart
# I'll string along
# You need me so
# More than you'll ever know
# Still picking
# Up the pieces of my heart
# Picking up the pieces
of my heart #
# Where is the
missing part?
# You broke it off
# Your name is engraved
in my soul #
# Your name is engraved
in my soul #
# Deep down inside
# Still feel the passion
you no longer show #
# So what do i do with
the thought of you? #
# Just can't get you
off my mind #
# Let me remind you
# True love like mine,
ain't no other place to find #
# Head over heels,
something's wrong #
# Puppy love, it can't be,
it's much too strong #
# Now you know how it feels if
you still remember long ago #
# Yes, you know
# I've been trying,
trying hard for so long #
# To let the bygones
be bygones #
# But it's a feeling
I can't bear #
# And I'll always be
waiting there #
# For you to come
back home
# Time and again
I try to fade away #
# Memories of you and me
# But ain't no use,
ain't no use #
# Ain't no use,
ain't no use #
# I'd have said, "Give it a
little more thought and time" #
# But keeping myself on a line
wouldn't make you mine #
# And as long as you're happy
# I should be fine
# So what do I do with
the thought of you? #
# Just can't seem to dry
my tears #
# So what do I do with
the thought of you? #
# To forget you
is my greatest fear #
# I'd lose my brain
and go insane #
# If you'd make me
wait in vain #
# So tell me something, baby
# Just to ease the pain
# Head over heels,
something's wrong #
# Puppy love, it can't be,
it's much too strong #
# Now you know how it feels if
you still remember long ago #
# Yes, you know
# I've been trying,
trying hard for so long #
# To let the bygones
be bygones #
# But it's a want
that I can't bear #
# And I'll always be
waiting there #
# For you to come
back home
# Come back home
# Come back home
# Head over heels,
something's wrong #
# Puppy love, it can't be,
it's much too strong #
# Now you know how it feels if
you still remember long ago #
# Yes, you know
# I've been trying,
trying hard for so long #
# To let the bygones
be bygones #
# But it's a want
that I can't bear #
# And i'll always be waiting
there for you to come back #
# Head over heels...