Nikki Glaser: Good Clean Filth (2022) Movie Script
1
[TV static drones]
[bright tone]
[Metric's "Gimme Sympathy"]
- Get hot
Get too close to the flame
Wild, open space
Talk like an open book
Sign me up
Got no time
to take a picture
I'll remember someday
All the chances we took
We're so close
To something
better left unknown
We're so close
To something
better left unknown
I can feel it in my bones
Give me sympathy
announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen,
Nikki Glaser!
[cheers and applause]
- What's up, Denver?
[cheers and applause]
[sighs]
Look at you.
How's it going, guys?
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, my God, I deserve that.
Hi. How are you?
And how was your COVID?
Was it good?
Mine was good.
I spent some time with family.
Questioned everything.
I mean, I survived it so far.
I--I kind of--
I couldn't say it
when COVID first came out,
but, like, I, like, knew
I wasn't gonna die from it.
Like, I just--
I know that's cocky.
And probably I'm wrong,
but I feel the same way about,
like, texting and driving.
Like, I'm good.
Like, I got it.
You shouldn't, but, like...
I'll be okay.
I know that's crazy, but...
I'm just different, you know?
I don't do it, but I could.
But I don't.
I really am good about it.
Like, if you ever see me
texting and driving,
it's always
'cause I'm at an intersection,
just plowing through it.
But that's because
it was important.
No, I just, like, did not think
I was gonna die of it.
I just--
I just, like, don't get sick,
ever, like, physically sick.
That's not, like, a brag.
Mentally, I'm fucked, but, um--
oh, that'll take me out soon.
But, um--
and it's not 'cause I'm, like--
I--it's not 'cause I'm, like,
genetically superior.
I just was, like,
"I'm just not gonna die of it."
Like, I just--
I'm just, like, so gross
that my immune system
is pretty great.
I just--
I'm--I'm gross.
Like, I--
Like, I eat at Subway,
like, proudly.
I love it.
I'll eat something
off the ground.
Five-second rule.
Like, five-month rule.
I don't care. Like...
sometimes I get jealous
of my Roomba,
to be honest with you.
I was like,
"I was gonna get that.
I was waiting for it
to get, like, chewy."
I seriously am gross.
If you ever see me
in a public restroom
and I'm, like, waving my hand
under the soap dispenser
and it just doesn't come out--
like, it literally
just is like...
[blows]
Like, it just, like,
queefs nothing,
like, I don't go
to another one.
I just go, "You know what?
I tried.
That was good enough."
And I wash
like there was something there.
I'll mime, like, "Ooh, suds,"
but there aren't any.
And you know that too.
I just don't care about germs.
So I don't know.
It was hard for me sometimes
with the masks.
Like, I would be like,
"I don't want to wear it.
I'm not scared."
But it's like,
it's not about you.
Like, it's about other people.
I had to remember, like--
I created a mantra for myself
to remind myself of that,
'cause it was like,
"Okay, you don't care
if you get it.
You just don't want
to give it."
You're fine if you get it.
You just don't want to give it.
It's like oral sex.
Like, you just
don't want to give it
to the elderly, you know,
or your parents.
That would be awful.
It's like, ugh,
go down on your mom
or dad like that.
I just couldn't live
with myself.
I'm sorry for that imagery.
But, like,
now that it's out there,
like, if you had to go down
on one of them,
like, who would it be?
Like, if you had, like--
just--just--
and I'm not saying that
to be outrageous.
I promise you.
I'm not saying that
just so you're like,
"She's shocking and gross."
I'm only saying that
because I thought it once
and I don't want to be alone
with that, okay?
So that's--
you have to have it, too, now.
Okay, I'm gonna save you time.
Like, don't even think
about it.
Like, stop.
I know it's gonna haunt you
for, you know, a while,
but it shouldn't.
I figured it out.
Gotta go with your mom.
Go with your mom.
It's an easy one.
First of all,
your mom has had
her pussy eaten way less
than your dad has had
his dick sucked in his life.
That's just stats.
It's--
Give her one more
for the road.
You know what I'm saying?
'Cause you will--
she will kill herself
after you go down on her.
You will take
your own life, too, so just--
you can't keep living
after you go down on your mom.
So, yeah, give her one more.
And also--
now, this is just solid logic--
you gotta go down on your mom,
because...
if you were a vaginal birth,
you already touched it
with your mouth.
Like, you already--
you've been down there
technically.
You've--
- Whoo!
- Your mouth has hit it.
It's just unavoidable.
It's just true.
I'm sorry.
Dare I say, it was
the first thing you ever did,
um, on this planet.
And it'll be the last.
It's so gross.
I, like--I don't like
that joke either.
It's awful.
I just have to do
that joke sometimes because
I just feel like
it perfectly encapsulates,
like, what comedians
are supposed to do,
which is present information
that's true
that you haven't thought of
before.
And that joke--
the Venn diagram,
I mean, for "it's true"
and "you've never thought
of it before,"
that joke is a fucking--
that really hits
the baby's mouth
on the mom's clit,
or wh--the nail on the head.
Whatever--however you say it,
but that's--
it just is the most true thing.
A guy asked me to call him
Daddy in bed recently.
And it was Father's Day,
so I was like,
"Okay, I'll give it to you,"
but...
I didn't get him a gift
last year.
No, it's--
I'm--I was weirded out by it.
And it grossed me out
and...
[sighs]
Only because I kissed
my dad on the lips
till I was, like, 24.
And it was just a thing
we did in my family,
you know,
like deny alcoholism.
Like, we just, like,
act like everything's fine.
And, um, I remember the day
I put an end to it.
I had just been, like,
smooching all day long
with my boyfriend--
not to brag or whatever,
but I was just, like,
really going hard with the guy.
And, um, I went to go meet
my parents for dinner.
And I greeted my dad,
and just, like, we went in
and I kissed him on the lips,
and it ju--
the wires just got crossed.
Like, they just--
I lingered a second too long.
And it was just, blegh!
And I stopped immediately.
Like, I let go of his lip.
I was biting it.
But I was like, "Dad,
I can't kiss you anymore."
He was so sad too.
My sweet dad.
He was just like,
"Don't be weird about this.
"We kiss on the lips
in this family.
That's what we do."
And I'm like, "Then why don't
you and Mom ever do it?
Why do Lauren and I
have to suffer?"
My sister.
But I--you know, I--I do it.
I sometimes do it,
'cause sometimes
he's just like,
"Nikki, come on, I incest."
And I was like,
"Okay, that's a good--
Dad, I'll--aw."
Say it like that...
I don't know, I just--
I felt weird when the guy
wanted me to call him Daddy.
I didn't want
to kink shame, though.
I didn't want to be like,
"What the fuck?
Are you fucking w"--you know?
'Cause I--I just--
you know, I don't want
to yuck someone's yum.
I found the best way
to discourage
something in bed
that you're not into
is to try to get them
to not be into it
on their own, you know?
Try to ruin it for them.
So I gave in at first.
It was hard, but I was like,
"Oh, yeah.
Does Daddy like that?
What about this?
Does Daddy like this?"
And by the end of it,
I was just like,
"Dada. Dadada.
Dada, Dadada."
[blows raspberry]
"Dada, Dadada. Dada.
Dada, Dadada."
He came right away.
And that's when I--
that's when I knew.
That's when I knew
I had to keep
my niece and nephew
away from him.
I never want to make
anyone feel bad
about something I think
they're doing that's gross.
It's just--'cause I know
that I bring so many things
to the bedroom
that would gross a guy out,
like, um,
lots of little pieces
of toilet paper
in my vagina lips
that get stuck
despite my best efforts.
I don't know--
I don't know why.
I do know.
I use one ply.
I'm trying to save
the goddamn planet.
I ju--it's--
oh, God, just these li--
you know
what I'm talking about.
By your laughter, I know.
Thank God I'm not alone
on this one.
These little hamster joints,
they're the tiniest little--
they're finely rolled
in such a way that I'm like,
"The meticulousness
of this roll--
"is my pussy
in the Wu-Tang Clan?
Like, this is impressive."
So you know--you know
what I'm talking about.
And I look for them.
I try to scour my vagina
before I even--
if I think a guy's
gonna go down there,
I definitely look for them.
I try to get them all out.
'Cause it's happened to me
so many times.
I'll go through it
page by page.
I will leaf through.
Sometimes I don't finish it all
before he picks me up,
and I put a bookmark in it,
or I, you know,
dog-ear a lip,
and I get back to it.
I always try to get them all.
I try.
Despite my best efforts,
I will still have
a guy go down there,
and I'm very confident, like,
"Got 'em all,"
and I'll just hear him go...
[spits lightly]
Just, like, a little...
[spits lightly]
God damn it.
Like, I always used to think
these little pieces
of toilet paper were
'cause I was like, "There's
something wrong with me.
Why am I so gross?"
That's not why.
I try to get them out.
And I know that I'm not alone.
I found out I'm not alone.
I remember
I was in high school.
I just got glasses
for the first time,
so I could, like,
clearly see the ground
in front of me
in a public restroom.
And all of a sudden, this world
of tiny little hamster doobies,
like, lit up to me.
And they were everywhere.
There's, like, a cockroach
smoking one of them
in the corner.
I'm like, "Oh, my God."
This is a common problem.
It's not just me.
I feel connected
to other women when I see them.
[sighs] And I do believe
it's probably
how we'll communicate
with each other
when we lose all our rights
inevitably, you know?
When we're handmaids,
it's all we'll have.
We'll just be walking
to market and just--
you'll just kind of
release some,
just kick them out
like Andy Dufresne
on the Shawshank prison yard.
Just leave a little pile.
And you'll come across
your friend's pile and be like,
"Oh, Caleb's still alive.
"She's out there.
"She hasn't had
the good fortune
of hurling herself
off a cliff."
So we'll use them someday.
And by someday,
I mean in, like, three years
when he comes back.
That joke will get me beheaded
in the town square.
[sighs]
Oh, well.
I don't know, I just--
I've felt so much shame
about my vagina over the years.
I've worked a lot
of my shame out onstage.
It's helped me.
I will shave my vagina
thoroughly.
And I will go to itch it
later on in the day,
and there will be
a patch of hair
that is so substantial,
it's almost, like, out of one
of those children's books
where it's like,
"Pet the bunny,"
and it's just, like,
a little round circle.
And you're like,
"You can feel it.
Go on, pet it."
I'm like,
"I gotta show Poppy this."
That's my niece.
But, um...
I don't know.
I don't, like, love my vagina.
I mean, I'm getting there.
I feel like acceptance
is the key.
I don't need to love it.
I don't need to do
what these magazines tell me.
And, like, body positivity
posts are like,
"Love your vagina.
"Like, just look at it.
Stand over a mirror
and gaze at it."
I've never wanted to do that.
I've never done it.
I don't want to be,
like, you know,
Pocahontas over a creek, like,
speaking
to my grandmother's reflection.
"What should I do?"
She's like,
"Follow your dreams."
I'm like, "I will."
It's just, like--it's fine.
It's just--I don't want
to look at it that often.
I'm not ashamed of it.
I'm fine with it.
I accept it.
And it's like, I think
the shame about our vaginas
is probably why men
don't go down on us
as much as they should,
you know?
Pussy eating and dick sucking
is not, uh--is not equal.
And I think some of it
is because when men go,
"I'm not into it,"
we go, "Yeah, you're right.
"I wouldn't either.
It's fine.
"You're probably right.
And it's--don't worry about it.
"It's not my birthday.
"And--I mean, it is,
but I'll have another one
"in four years.
It's February 29th
"and it's every leap year,
but it's fine.
You don't have to do it."
It's just true.
They don't go down on us
as much.
And, you know,
there are certain guys
that are really, like,
outspoken about it.
And we just let them be.
DJ Khaled came out
and was like,
"I don't eat pussy.
I don't eat my wife's pussy."
And I'm just like,
I didn't know you could get
any more worthless.
Like, what do you do
if you don't eat pussy?
Truly.
[cheers and applause]
[chuckles]
He just shouts his name
over his wife coming
in the room by herself
and claims it as his own.
Is that what he does?
I don't mean--
I already didn't care for him
that much.
And when I heard that,
I was like, "Fuck you."
But then--then I looked
into it and I go,
"Hold on, let me empathize
with this guy.
Maybe there's
another story here."
And there was.
DJ Khaled,
at the time he said that,
he was a spokesman
for WeightWatchers,
and pussy's, like,
eight points.
So maybe he was
just really trying
to stick to his plan.
That's a--that cuts
into your day, you know?
He had a goal.
I can't understand
when guys are just like,
"I'm just, like, not into it."
Like, I get not being into it.
But do you think we suck dick
just for the taste of it,
Diet Coke?
Like, we don't.
It's--I don't care
if you don't like it.
It's not like I don't like
sucking dick.
I do like it because, you know,
it's something I've done.
It gives pleasure
to someone I care about.
I'm getting kind of good at it.
I can leave in my Invisalign
because it, like, rounds out
my teeth and I don't worry
about biting too hard
or scraping a dick.
I can straighten as I blow.
But I don't, like,
inherently like it.
I don't care
if you don't like it.
Like I--I really don't need you
to love it.
I--that's not part of it
for me.
For every faction of guys
that's like,
"I don't eat pussy,"
there's always another one
that's like, "I'll do it.
"I'll eat it all day.
I love pussy.
"Wait, I'll do it.
I love pussy.
I'll--I'll eat your pussy."
And it's just like,
"Not you.
"Like, you're not--
your--your mouth is wet.
"It looks like you
already were, and I just--
"can I just have my pizza
and you go, okay?
I don't know
why you told me that."
Should've done DiGiorno.
It's always just like--
just like,
"Ah, I love eating pussy."
They're just like...[groans]
And they think
we're gonna be like,
"You do? Will you marry me?"
Like, we don't want you--
I don't want someone
to want pussy in general,
just like,
"Any--I just love pussy.
I love eating pussy."
I'm like, "I think you have
"a vitamin deficiency
of some sort,
because it shouldn't be
something you crave."
Take a fish oil supplement.
Anything. I don't know.
Get some blood work done.
"I love it.
I'll eat your pussy.
"I could spend hours
down there.
I love it.
I'll go down on you for hour"--
I'm like, "That's too long.
You're doing it wrong."
If you're down there
that long--
I don't need you down there.
You're gonna eat it all.
Like, leave some
for the rest of us.
That's too long.
You're--by the time
you come up,
you're gonna look like
my fingertips after a bath.
I don't want
to Benjamin Button you
down there.
I get not wanting to eat pussy.
Can I say that?
Like, I actually empathize
with men who are like,
"Mm, it's not for me."
I, like--I get it.
Because, like, there are times
where I think
I could date women,
and the one thing
that holds me back is, like,
I just don't want to, like,
eat pussy.
Like, I just--
that's the one thing.
Sometimes that's
the only thing.
I remember telling my friend
Sabrina Jalees--
she's a lesbian.
She's a hilarious comic.
But I was telling her that,
and she goes,
"So you think the only reason
you can't be a lesbian
is because you don't want
to eat pussy?"
And she goes,
"And you haven't eaten pussy?"
I'm like, "No, but, like,
I just feel like
"I would, like, crave it
"if I was, like,
a true lesbian.
"Like, it's, like, the base
of the lesbian food pyramid.
"Like, it's a staple
of their diet.
"Like, if I--
if I'm like this about it,
I'm probably not a lesbian."
And she goes, "Okay,
well, um, did you crave
"sucking dick
before you did it?
"Were you just like,
'I can't wait'?"
And that blew my mind.
'Cause I was like, "Oh, fuck."
"I'm--I'm gay.
Like, that's--I'm a--
I am fucking gay."
Of course I didn't crave
sucking dick.
You don't crave it
until you do it.
There's so many things in life
like eating pussy
that you don't get into
until you do it a lot
and you learn
a reason to love it.
On paper, you're just like,
"Nah, no."
Like coffee.
Think about coffee.
Remember the first time
you tried coffee?
You were a child
and you were just like,
"Why do adults like it so much?
It's so gross."
But you tried it once
because you thought it was,
like, a warm soda or something
that your parent left behind
and you, like, snuck it.
But it's coffee and whiskey
but also mostly coffee,
and you're like,
"What the fuck?"
And you think, "I can't be--
I will never drink this stuff."
And then cut to today,
you're an adult,
and you're addicted.
Like, you can't live
without it, you know?
And it's the first thing
I think about in the morning.
So I don't know.
I just hope someday,
like, years from now,
you run into me,
and you just see me,
and I'm wearing, like,
a funky sweatshirt
that says, like,
"Don't talk to me
till I've had my pussy.
And I'm like, "Hey."
You're like, "You did it."
I'm like,
"I did. I did."
"And you know what?
I bring my own creamer."
[chuckles]
You're like,
"Okay, didn't need that one.
"Let's go, kids.
"She used to be
a famous comedian."
But if I live long enough,
I'm gonna eat pussy.
It's, like, on my bucket list
of sexual acts to do.
For sure.
I want to do it.
I'm scared to do it,
but, like, I want to do it.
I just hope I scratch it
off my bucket list
before I'm, like, 90,
in hospice care
and, like, my grandkids
are like,
"Grandma, you know,
it's getting towards the end.
Is there anything else
that you want to do?"
I'm just like,
"Did you see my list?"
And they're like,
"Unfortunately, we did.
"Um, we were thinking
maybe instead of that,
"we could, um--
"Taylor Swift is down
to meet you.
Is that cool?"
I'm like,
"Can she squat over my bed?
Can we make"--
Like, "Grandma, no!"
[chuckles]
Someday.
I don't know.
I've talked a lot
about my vagina so far.
I hit the quota.
I talk about my vagina
so fucking much.
I have a lot of, like,
guilt about it.
I talk about it so much,
that I don't call it
"my privates";
I call it "my public."
I gotta stop talking
about my public so much.
I just--I read, like,
what these philosophers
write about on Reddit
about how, like, female comics
talk about their vaginas
and that's, like, all they do
and it's so easy for them.
Being dirty,
it does feel bad sometimes.
I'm 37.
All I do is talk
about my vagina onstage.
It's like, enough! I just--
I don't know, I'm just
at this point in my career
where I'm ready to, like,
close that chapter
and, like, pivot,
like...to my asshole.
Like, you guys,
I have not even begun.
It--talk about clean material.
My asshole's pretty clean,
actually.
I'm prepared for later tonight.
So it's, uh, squeaky.
It's probably a better bet
than my vagina right now,
to be honest with you.
'Cause I prepare, yeah.
I used to just wing it.
Don't do that.
Don't--
don't just, like,
feel your body and go,
"Mm, I got it."
You don't.
You don't got it,
and you'll pay the price, but--
and now I got a whole--
I got a whole system.
I'll tell you about it too.
'Cause I want you
to have anal sex.
I want all of you to.
Let me--let me try
to get you into it.
Let me just try
to persuade you.
You don't have to.
But I just know a lot of women
who are so adventurous in bed.
And when it comes to anal,
they just go,
"No. Nope.
Mm-mm, nope.
I've tried it, and no, mm-mm."
And I hear you.
I'm sure you did try it.
But I'm just saying,
I do think that maybe you can't
say you've tried it,
really say you've tried it,
until you can answer yes
to the following questions,
okay?
Number one.
Did you use
all the lube in the land?
Did you lube?
I'm talking about
lubricant you buy.
Not a couple loogies
from the dry, drunk mouth
of the guy who convinced you
it'd be a good time to try it
when you're not actually ready.
That's not lube.
A lot of lube.
I mean, like, a half a bottle.
Enough that the TSA
would be like,
"You can't go through
with that.
Like, you gotta finish it."
A lot. I'm not joking.
Are you with someone that,
if you had an accident,
you wouldn't have
to kill yourself afterwards?
Like, they're not gonna tell
their dodgeball league
and it's gonna follow you
around town.
Are you doing it with someone
that can keep a secret?
A little brown secret?
'Cause if not,
you haven't tried it.
[sighs] Number two.
Are you relaxed?
This is something
that a lot of people
have anxiety about.
You gotta be relaxed.
Did you come once already?
Vaginally, clitorally, fakely,
however you are used to it
with your partner.
Number two.
Did you prepare?
Did you prepare?
I used to not prepare
'cause I thought
that, oh, if I prepare,
if I get, like, a kit,
that's gonna mean
something about me.
Like, I'm--
like, that's all I do.
And it kind of is,
but that's not...
You know what?
It's not a lot.
I used to think it was gonna be
a whole smorgasbord
of things I'd have to do.
All you have to do to prepare
is watch a YouTube video
of a gay guy in his bathroom
being like,
"Here's how you do it, bitch."
And then you follow the link
to buy the little fucking
turkey baster
that you keep
underneath your sink.
No one will know what it is.
It just seems like the thing
you, like, suck
snot out of a baby's nose with.
Like, that's
what it looks like.
You squirt water
up your butt ten times
till the water runs clean.
Till it runs clean.
Not like
Flint, Michigan, clean
but, like, it's--
Might be more than ten times.
And even after it runs clean,
just do it--like, kind of
do this a little.
Like, just give it a couple,
like, catch-up thumps,
like you're trying
to knock out the--
Just gotta make sure, you know?
And, um, find your Heinz 57.
You know, the mark
where you hit it
and it, like, dislodges it?
Mine's my solar plexus.
Might be a different spot
for you.
Explore yourself.
Number two.
Did you lay down a brown towel?
How now, brown towel?
Just in case,
for peace of mind.
And finally, number two.
Start small.
Don't start huge right away.
Don't go
right to the big leagues.
Start with a finger.
A tiny butt plug.
Maybe your boyfriend's
tiny little penis.
Start with something
that's not intimidating.
Start there.
And then work your way up.
And I know you're like,
"Well, my boyfriend doesn't
have a tiny little penis.
"He has a very big penis.
And that is crazy big.
And it's so big,
it's gonna, like, hurt."
Just for a second,
think about, for me,
the biggest shit you took,
I don't know,
in the past week.
You know the one.
You know?
The one that you're like,
"This could make it in
"'Guinness Book
of World Records,'
like, if I did enter it."
You know the one.
The one that you're like,
"I could give birth
out of my ass.
Like, that just confirmed it."
Like...
You know
what I'm talking about.
Maybe you don't,
but I think you do.
You know, the shi--
Am I the only one?
The one that you want
to take a picture of
to send to your friend Anya
but you're, like, too scared
you're gonna get hacked
and that's what TMZ
will run with?
And they'll just
blow past the folder
you've clearly marked for them
that says "Full-face nudes."
I mean, in conclusion, like,
girls, you're shitting
massive dicks, like, weekly,
so just--you can do it.
Aren't you glad I'm not talking
about my vagina anymore?
Isn't that such a--thank God.
This is who I am,
I have to say.
This is genuinely the way I am
offstage too.
And it is ironic,
because I am kind of prudish,
and I started out that way.
I know that seems crazy.
In a relationship,
I'm a filthy slut.
But I am--
I'm kind of scared of guys.
I always have been.
I didn't kiss a boy
until I was 17.
I didn't have sex
until I was 21.
I didn't have consensual sex
until I was, like, 25.
I didn't enjoy sex ever.
And--no, it's true, though.
It's 'cause I was scared
of sex.
I was scared
of what I didn't know,
because no one talked
about it honestly, you know?
I feel like sometimes
female comics talking
honestly about sex,
we have to do it because
sex education is garbage,
you know?
You either learn
by watching porn,
or you learn at school,
where they either give you
too much science-y words
and then, like,
horrifying STDs,
so it's just, like,
"The vas deferens
is the janitor of the male
reproductive system,"
and you're like, "I don't know
what to do with that.
Is that sex?" And they're like,
"Well, if you have sex,
"your vagina might look
like an exploded lasagna,
so watch"--it's just, like,
"Here's a picture."
And you're like,
"Jesus Christ."
It's nothing real.
I just think it's important
to talk
about this stuff openly.
And as much as I shouldn't be
a 37-year-old woman onstage
talking explicitly
about her sex life,
I think there's
something to be had from it.
I remember
my housekeeper being like,
"My 11-year-old daughter
googled you.
That was close." And I'm like,
"I hope she watches
everything."
I hope she watches everything.
'Cause I think kids are
smart enough to go, like,
"That's not for me yet.
"But when I get there,
at least I'll know
"that a guy might come
on my face,
and here's what I might be able
to do with it."
Be funny with it
is the answer there.
Be funny with come.
You will have to encounter it.
It's gross.
You avoid it.
First time I gave a hand job,
I was so scared of come,
I did it over the toilet
so that it would just be
direct deposit.
'Cause I was like,
"I'm gonna be bad
at handling come."
I was nervous about that.
Insane. But I was.
I was like,
"I'm gonna be bad at it."
Now I make
all of my jokes during sex
about come because I've learned
the hard way
that if you make jokes
before they come,
guys don't have, like--
all of their thought blood
is in their dick,
so they can't understand
sarcasm or irony.
So they're just, like,
"What'd you say?"
And so focus
all of your sex-based humor
around come,
'cause after they come,
they're just like,
"What? Okay."
Like, they're back to normal
and you, like--
you're like, "Oh, you're back.
I missed you."
That's when you can
make them laugh.
I do it all the time.
Come-based humor
is my favorite.
I don't know,
come in your hand is hilarious.
You can act
like you're Spider-Man
but your, like, valves
are clogged.
You're like,
"It doesn't work.
I told them. It's just"--
[whining]
Rub it together,
be like, "Jacob's ladder."
And, like, "Do you see?
Do you see it?"
Cat's cradle.
I--I could go on
for another two hours
of come bits,
I have so many.
My favorite is after they come
and they're just like...
[groans]
And they're just kind of
laying there like...
[snickers]
And their little penis is,
like, slowly--
it's, like,
shrinking up
and kind of sticking
to their thigh.
And I'm just, like,
walking around,
still, like, very, like,
just, like, full of energy.
I'll be like, "Oh, my God,
I forgot my lip gloss,"
and I'll just grab it
and go, "Mm."
And then, "Bye."
And then I'll leave forever.
No, I don't.
I always come back.
Girls go into sexual encounters
knowing really nothing,
'cause no one's telling them
what honestly happens.
And then you're scared
of doing it wrong.
Then something happens
and you go,
"I guess that's the way it is,"
but it's not.
I feel like
it's most girls' fear.
Like, we just are so scared
of doing things wrong.
That's why I never gave
hand jobs.
I think I used to let
guys fuck me
before I even wanted them to
because I just--
it's easy to be good at sex.
You're just like,
"I'm a hole," you know?
But, like, when you're giving
a hand job,
it, like, takes rhythm
and finesse.
And I was just so anxious
about being bad at it.
Girls don't do so many things
because we think
we'll be bad at it
and that you'll make fun of us
or judge us for it
or we'll disappoint you.
And hand jobs,
I avoided them.
I literally ate ass
before I gave a hand job.
Like, I was just like,
at least that's something
he can't do himself, you know?
Unless he's very flexible.
But...
I was terrified of hand jobs.
And that should be
the first thing you do.
I just feel like if--
if I ever have a daughter,
I'll drown her
and wait for a son.
But if I'm ever forced
to have a daughter...
'cause there's no water left
to drown her in,
I will--I will tell
my daughter, like,
"Hey, first of all,
any worry you have
"about guys judging you
or you being bad at it,
"if they have a boner,
they're not really thinking.
"They're not judging you.
"They're not storing away
information to use against you.
"They're really dumb
when they're horny.
Like, very, very dumb."
Sometimes I hook up with guys
and they're so horny and, like,
kind of, like...[grunts]
I'm like,
"Is this, like, a situation
"where he's, like,
special needs
and I shouldn't do this?"
Like, am I gonna go to jail
because I took advantage
of a mentally challenged man?
I swear to God he was talking
about Bitcoin 20 minutes ago,
but now he can't form
sentences,
and he's grunting
and making weird noises.
It's just like,
"What happened?"
I remember when I gave
a hand job the first time,
which was my biggest fear
because they do it
better themselves.
This is something
I know I'm gonna be bad at,
no matter what.
They're better at it than me.
They've been doing it
all along.
And it's true.
You'll never be as good
at giving a hand job
as a guy is to himself.
That is true.
They have clocked
their 10,000 hours
by the time they're
in seventh grade.
There's no chance
you'll ever be as good at them.
You're never gonna clock
as many hand jobs as them.
So the first hand job
I ever gave,
I was so paranoid
about doing it
worse than he does it
that I was like,
"I'll do it from behind."
It was like an improv game.
Like, I was like,
"I'm your arms."
You know? I was like--
it was like I was Wayne Brady
on "Whose Line."
I was like, "This'll do it."
The worst part--
I was already feeling terrible,
and then the worst part
was when I caught
my own reflection
in the bathroom mirror.
And it was just
such a sad sight.
It was during the day.
I'd just gotten done with work.
I was working
at a Korean prep school,
so my lanyard was just, like,
hanging between us.
And I was just, like, wearing
this Target blazer.
And the lighting was terrible.
And the mirror--oh, my God.
So it was a mirror here
and then a mirror on this side.
So it was infinity of me
just, like, giving
this sad hand job,
just, like--
It was the saddest Rockettes
you've ever seen.
It was like
Christmas Sploogetacular.
Like, I was just like,
"Oh, God."
And that's when I started
to shame spiral of, like,
"You're such a dumb slut.
"Like, you're just giving
this guy pleasure.
"He doesn't like you.
"He's probably never gonna
talk to you again.
You got nothing out of this."
And I just started going
to this place.
And then I was like,
"Wait, like,
"I'm not getting
nothing out of this.
Like, this is
kind of hilarious."
And maybe at the time,
I wasn't thinking,
"I'm gonna tell thousands
of people in Denver someday,"
but I thought
I might tell my friends.
And that was enough for me,
of just being like,
"This is funny."
Because sex is hilarious.
So if you ever find yourself
in a situation
where you're like,
"I'm being used,
"and this--I'm just, like--
I'm getting nothing
out of this,"
just make it funny
for yourself.
And, like, make it for you.
'Cause I swear to God,
I remember
I just had that thought,
and then I, like,
straightened up my posture
and kind of getting, like,
a swagger with it,
and I looked back at my selves,
and I winked.
I was like,
"We got this, girls."
[cheers and applause]
Like, we were the Spice Girls
before a final reunion
performance.
I just f--I felt
charged up from it.
I was like, "This is wild.
"I've never done anything
like this in my life.
"I didn't kiss a boy
until I was 17.
"I was scared of men,
and now I'm jerking
"this guy off over a toilet?
Like, I'm cool."
I remember skipping
out of his house.
I remember skipping
to my fucking car
that had been towed
while I was doing it.
So it was a low point
in my life,
but it was a high point,
'cause I was like,
"I'm a weird, cool whore.
"And, like, I don't know,
I just can't wait
to tell someone about it."
Some of the most empowering
days of my life have been
from me doing just kind of
slutty, degrading things
that on paper could be,
you know,
"Oh, that's so sad."
But I'm like, "I never thought
I could do this,
and I'm doing it."
Like, if you would have
asked me four years ago,
"Nikki, will you ever eat ass?"
I would have been like,
"Yeah, I did two years ago."
But if you would have asked me
six years ago,
will I ever eat ass?
I'd have been like,
"This is a weird census.
Get off my porch,"
but I would've said,
"Is this really
what they're asking now?
Okay, um"--
No, I would have said,
"Hell no."
I would have gone--
I would have signed off
to go to my grave
without eating ass.
Who needs to do that?
And ironically enough,
since I've done it,
I actually--I call eating ass
"going to the grave."
But, um, just based
on the taste alone.
But...I have done it.
I don't know how I did it.
I only know
that I got horny enough
that it seemed
like a good idea.
I got as stupid
as I've seen men get
when they get horny,
and I got there.
I was able to do something
I never would have thought--
if you had asked me
ten seconds before I did it
if I would ever do it,
I would have been like,
"Oh, no."
Like, there were balls
in my mouth, but I was like,
"I would never"--
Like, I would have said no.
'Cause I had no idea.
But I got horny enough
that it seemed
like a good idea.
Guys, if you get us
horny enough,
we will do crazy, crazy things
that we swear we'd never do.
Keep that in mind.
Seriously.
You just never get us
horny enough.
And by the way,
when I say "eating ass,"
I didn't, like--I wasn't like,
"Mmm, Yoplait,
fruit on the bottom."
Like, it's not eating.
I hate "eating"--
it sounds like I'm chewing it
or something.
No, he didn't have
a hemorrhoid.
I just, like...
feel like it'd be chewy.
I don't know.
Just, like, admitting
that I ate ass,
it's not--
I'm not trying to be gross.
I'm really not.
I'm just--I swear to God,
after I ate ass,
I was like,
"I could do anything.
"Like, I've licked
a man's asshole.
I could--I could be president."
Like, that's--you know?
And then I remembered
I'm a woman.
And I was like,
"Okay, scratch that.
"Like...
but maybe I could eat
a president's ass."
A girl can dream.
I, uh--I lived with my parents
during COVID
for about ten months.
So now I'm looking
for a husband
because I don't want
to do that again
when it comes back.
Yeah, I gotta get a husband.
It's time.
And it's really more about,
like, just wanting
to be with someone
when the inevitable apocalypse
befalls us.
I just want one guy
to fucking care about me.
I want to be number one
on a guy's list.
For him to be like,
"I gotta get to Nikki!"
You know?
Like, I want that.
And sure, like,
my dad cares about me.
And I'm still--
like, I'm on his list.
But I'm lower.
There's nieces and nephews.
And I'm still above my mom
'cause I kissed him on the lips
till I was 26,
but, um...
I earned that spot.
But, like, he's getting older.
And I just want someone
to, like, care
when shit goes down.
And it got into my head
watching the movie
"San Andreas."
Did you guys see that
where, like,
there's this huge earthquake
and the--
pretty much the only people
that survive
on the whole West Coast
are The Rock's family
that he's trying to get to
the whole movie.
Whole movie is him
just trying to get to them.
And anyway--and you don't stand
a chance to survive
unless you have The Rock
looking for you.
And I'm like,
"I gotta find my Rock."
And the truth of the matter is,
in a natural disaster,
it's kind of everyone
for themselves, you know?
Like, I feel like even The Rock
would just, like, sprint
out of his mansion and leave
his wife and kids behind.
They're like,
"Where are you going?"
And he just, like, has
his protein powders
and his MTV popcorn awards
and Kevin Hart in this arm.
And he's just like, "I'm just--
I gotta get to Elon's."
Just everything that'll
keep him relevant
into the future.
I gotta find a guy to care.
And by the way, I just want him
to scream my fucking name.
That's all I want.
I just want the energy
out in the world of, like,
"Nikki!"
- Nikki!
- No, you're gonna--
you're gonna try
to find your mom.
I--just don't even pretend
like you won't.
Every man is gonna look
for his mom,
even if she's already dead.
[sighs]
That moment when we get
the alert on our phone,
that's when I want him
to go into action.
You know the alert
that's gonna happen
that's gonna be like,
"It's ending, guys.
Uh, sorry.
Five minutes to say goodbye."
It's gonna sound
like an Amber Alert at first.
You're gonna go,
"Should we even get it?
"It just sounds like--
it's probably an Amber Alert."
But someone's gonna go,
"It sounds diff--
like, it's, like, piercing.
It's more urgent."
It's like, "Maybe, like,
a white child's missing?
"Like, we should just check.
"Like it could be a--
"a delicate...baby white girl.
I just want to check."
And then I want
my husband to look
and it's, like, you know,
a tsunami's coming.
And I just want him to be like,
"Nikki!"
And then he doesn't get to me.
He just gets, like, hit
by a filing cabinet in a wave.
But still, like,
just the energy's in the world.
That is true, though.
It's like, you don't drown
in a tsunami.
You just die
from the garbage in it, so--
That's--
I just want you guys to
rest assured, don't worry.
You're not gonna drown.
You're just gonna get impaled
by a stop sign.
Or, like,
a fucking Peloton bike
is gonna slice off your head.
But that's--just--
you won't drown.
[chuckles]
I've started reading books,
though,
about how to trick a man
into loving you,
'cause I was just like,
"This being yourself shit
"ain't working
for old Glasedog.
Uh, I'm gonna pick up
one of these books."
These books that are like,
"Do anything but be yourself.
"Please, God, change your ways.
Here are the tricks."
The one I tell
every girl to read
because I've seen
my friends use it and it works
is called "Getting to 'I Do.'"
It lays out a plan
for how to get a guy
and trick him
into committing to you,
'cause you will
have to deceive him.
And, um,
it's just the way it works.
And let me just say, though,
that the book
"Getting to 'I Do'"--
if the guy
you're trying to seduce
into a relationship
sees the cover of the book,
you lost, okay?
Don't let him see the cover.
"Getting to 'I Do'"?
It's terrible.
Cover it up
with another book cover.
Fucking "Mein Kampf"
is better than
"Getting to 'I Do.'"
Anything.
But it will get you there.
I'm serious.
Okay, so rule number one--
and by the way,
this is all based upon the fact
that we are still animals.
You know, our brains
have not adapted
to modern culture.
We're still operating
based on instincts
that are gonna help
our--our species survive
and make more babies.
So that's all we do.
That's why we're attracted
to anything
is because
somewhere back here,
our mammal brain is like,
"This will help you survive,
or this will make more of you."
So starting
from that perspective--
'cause we all used to live
in tribes, by the way.
There was no, like,
marriage or, like, monogamy.
We just all fucked each other.
And we all needed to make
as many babies as possible
because the harsh winter
was coming,
and babies don't survive.
So it wasn't like it is now,
but we're still operating
on those instincts.
Our brain has been hitting
"Remind me tomorrow"
on the system update
for thousands of years.
Like, it's not gonna get to it.
And so you have to honor that
even though it sucks,
'cause the first rule:
look fuckable.
Just look fuckable.
Appeal to men wanting
to put their penises in you
and make more of them.
And be fuckable.
Get his attention.
Make his monkey brain be like,
"I can get that pregnant.
"She looks like
she's ovulating.
She's a good host
for my sperm."
That's--every makeup trend
is taking advantage
of that biological wiring
of, like, "She's ovulating."
That's why, you know,
we all want, like,
big, shiny, like, glossy lips.
Like, that's the look,
'cause it looks like a vagina,
which you probably know, right?
Like, literally
the best-looking lips right now
are just the same ones you see
on the baboon
at the zoo exhibit
that you have to, like,
keep the kids away from it
'cause she's just, like,
wiping her wet vulva
on, like, a branch,
and you're like,
"Let's maybe go to see
the dolphins."
That's what our lips look like.
So that men go, "Pussy."
Like, they subconsciously
think about our vaginas.
It's wild.
We don't even know
we're doing it.
I just--I don't know.
I love makeup.
I have a love-hate relationship
with it.
It does help you look
more fuckable.
It's, like--it just does.
It tricks guys.
Sometimes I put on, like,
this dewy finishing spray
or, like, a highlighter,
you know?
But you spray this, like,
glycerin spray
at the end of your makeup.
And people honestly go, like,
"Nikki, what's going on
in your life?
You're, like, glowing.
What's happened?"
And I'm like, "This isn't
some inner radiance.
"I've sprayed something
on my face
"that's usually used
to seal decks for the winter.
"So I'm actively
absorbing cancer right now.
Will you marry me?"
Um...
I don't like it,
and it sucks,
'cause you're like,
"I want to wear pants.
They're comfortable."
And it's like,
"Okay, well,
do you want a husband,
or do you want
to pass legislation?"
Like...[chuckles]
It's unfortunate.
It sucks.
Being fuckable is hard.
It's uncomfortable.
I wear heels
that make my legs look great.
But my feet look
like they've been
through the Ming dynasty.
They're crumpled and bunioned.
Just look fuckable, girls.
It sucks.
I know it sucks.
You going skiing?
Bring a sundress.
Like, show some skin.
Lot of single men
on that mountain.
I was worried recently,
'cause I did an interview,
and the headline of the article
came out and it said,
"Nikki Glaser Values
Being Fuckable
More Than Being Funny."
And I thought, "Oh, my God,
"people are gonna
come after me for this.
I'm--I'm a bad feminist.
Luckily no one saw it
because, like,
a celebrity died that day.
So it was like, "Yes!
Thank God
for the opioid crisis."
Like, really came in clutch
for me that day.
But, um...
it isn't even what I said.
Honestly, I was misquoted.
I remember talking
to the journalist,
and what I did say was,
"I value being fuckable
"more than being funny,
"but, like,
please don't print that.
"Like, I'm serious.
"Like, people
are gonna be pissed,
but, like, between you and me,
like, I do."
That's why I'm trying
to stay young.
I'm aging, though.
I'm aging gracefully,
but it's like--
whatever that means.
And I just want to let
you girls in your 20s know
you're gonna age too.
And I know there's a secret
part of you that's like,
"I don't want to. Like,
"I just--I don't feel like it."
'Cause I used to be in my 20s
and, like, look at women
with their skin slightly, like,
succumbing to gravity.
Like, their eyelids turning
into, like, vaginal lips.
Like, I used to see that.
I have it now when people
put on my eye makeup.
When I do it,
I have to lift my eyelid
like I'm looking for my clit
and draw a line on.
I used to be able to just,
boop.
It's happening.
It'll happen to you too.
And I know that you're like,
"No, I'm gonna opt out."
But, like,
"I'm just not gonna age.
I just, like, don't want to."
And honestly...[sighs]
I fucking hope you don't
'cause I want you to die young.
I am tired of you
dating men my age
who should be dating me,
but they date you instead.
It's okay.
I'm not mad at you about it.
I'm mad at those guys,
and I'm not even mad.
I get it.
If I was an older guy
that didn't want to settle down
and was, like, turned on
by hot young girls,
I'd fucking date
young girls too.
But I wouldn't lie about it
and be like,
"No, I know she's young, Nikki,
but, like,
"she's, like,
really mature for her age.
"Like, she's--like, that's what
I love about her most.
"She just so happens
to be 22.
"But, like, she's got, like--
she's got, like,
the oldest soul."
I don't know what's happening,
but there's, like,
an epidemic of 20-somethings
with old souls
happening right now
according to all
my 40-year-old friends.
"She's just got
the oldest soul."
Oh, really?
Of course you like the only
thing old about a woman
that you can't see.
Oh, isn't that convenient?
You never hear a guy going,
"She's 23.
"I know she's 23, Nikki,
but seriously,
"she's got, like,
the oldest pussy.
"And I just love it.
It, like, looks like
"it's, like, been through
some shit, you know?
That's what makes her
so great."
It's like, shut up!
You like her 'cause
she's hot and young!
Stop lying!
It's okay.
You like her
'cause she's young.
She looks good.
She has a tight skin,
tight puss.
She--you can lie to her
and she doesn't, like--
she'll probably believe it
more than an older woman would
because we've been lied to more
and we know your wily ways.
She doesn't want
to have kids yet,
so you can, like,
take your time.
There's a million reasons
to do it.
It's not--it's okay.
You don't have to lie
and say they have old souls.
They don't have old souls!
A few of them do!
I know a couple that actually
do have old souls
because something traumatic
happened to them.
And they need to go heal
from it.
They don't need to be humped
by you and your old body.
They need to go talk to a woman
in an office about
why they're attracted to men
that look like their uncle.
That's what they need to do.
Leave them alone.
[cheers and applause]
These 20-year-olds
should not have
the despondent glare
of a Depression-era
Dust Bowl widow
with seven mouths to feed.
Leave her alone.
Let her go heal.
That's weird.
So rule number one.
Look fuckable.
Got that.
Rule number two.
All right?
Now, this throws you
for a curve.
Rule number one
is look fuckable.
Rule number two.
Don't fuck them.
If you want to get a guy,
don't fuck them.
That's really hard to do.
Don't let them in your vagina.
You can let them
anywhere else--
well, the book actually says
don't let them in your mouth,
your vagina, or your ass,
but, like,
a girl's gotta eat, so, like,
I just say don't let them
in your vagina.
That's my interpretation
of the book.
'Cause it checks out.
It really does.
It's--[sighs]
You've felt it before.
It changes after sex.
Even if you've waited, like,
three dates
to have sex with a guy 'cause
you don't want to seem easy
or, like, however long
it makes you feel like,
"I'm not a slut,
and he'll respect me,"
whatever rule you have
in your head--
and you actually feel like
he likes you.
And let's just say
he does like you.
Let's for instance say
this is a guy
who actually likes you.
He's not lying.
He's not an F boy.
He's not lying to get
something--he truly--
he's like a Josh.
He's not a Garrett.
You know what I'm saying?
You know what I'm saying.
[laughs] He's--
he's actually invest--
he wants a girlfriend.
He hasn't settled
these things yet
because that's too soon
to talk about it.
But he's a nice guy.
And he showed such promise too.
And you want to sleep with him
'cause sex feels good
and you're ready to do that
and you're like,
"This guy's my boyfriend.
"Let me just sleep with him,
right?
"I'm tired of giving hand jobs.
"I don't have
my Invisalign tonight.
Let's just do this."
And you go,
"He's gonna be my boyfriend.
"I haven't seen a guy show
this much promise in so long.
"You know,
he knows my middle name.
"He--he listens to my dreams--
"not, like, my aspirations
but, like, my dreams
"that, like, no one
cares about,
"you know, where it's like,
my hands were hooves
"and I was in my childhood
home, but it was--like,
"he gives a shit about that.
"He's gonna come to my house
next week and hang that mirror,
"that floor-length mirror
I've just had
"tilted against the wall
for four years,
"convincing myself
that was the style,
"even though it was just 'cause
I don't have a man in my life
"with a tool belt.
"I'm just like,
'Yeah, you just tilt it.'
"He's gonna hang that mirror.
"This guy's gonna be
my boyfriend.
Let me sleep with him."
And then you do.
And you have sex,
and it's great.
Whatever it is, it's good.
He comes, and then afterwards,
there's just this slight vibe
that, like,
he, like, hates you.
Like, he wants nothing
to do with you anymore.
You've felt it, right?
Every guy knows this feeling,
and I'm not even mad at you
about it.
Every girl knows this feeling.
The humidity in the room
changes.
He--something's different.
You go, "Did I stumble
into some bad lighting?
"You know?
Did we get lost in translation?
"Did I ask for too much?
"Maybe this thing
was a masterpiece
till you tore it all up,
damn it!"
No. You question yourself.
You go, "What did I do?"
You didn't do anything.
And, guys,
you're probably wondering
the same thing of, like,
"Why do I not like her
after this?
What happened?"
It must be scary for you.
I actually empathize.
I used to get so mad at you
and be like, "He changed."
Suddenly he's making up
this whole thing
about he has to go to a meeting
tomorrow at 6:00 a.m.
That whole thing of, like, they
go to their phone, they go,
"Oh, fuck." [sighs]
And you go, "What?"
And they're like,
"I just--I gotta go
in the office tomorrow.
It fucking sucks," and you go,
"You didn't have a job
20 minutes ago.
"Like, before we had sex,
you were unemployed.
Uber doesn't have an office,
okay?"
And you go, "What did I do?"
And you didn't do anything.
It's back
to the caveman brain thing.
We used to only have sex
so we could procreate.
So when a guy comes after
even being in your vagina,
even before and he pulls out,
but if he's been
in your vagina,
his brain told him, "You got--
"you did everything you could
to get this one pregnant.
"Do not waste
another load here.
"You can't get it
pregnant twice.
"Move on to the next tepee
"and fuck her sister or cousin
or whoever.
"She's ovulating, too, 'cause
this whole tribe ovulates
at the same time."
It's like
a fucking Pilates class.
Like, it just--
they're synced up.
That's why you want to leave
afterwards.
That's why.
And, girls, I felt mad
about this 'cause I go,
"Well, I want our tribe
to have more babies too.
"Why do I get, like, fucking
clingy after a guy comes?
Why don't I want him to leave?"
And the thing is,
women through evolution
developed cuddling after sex
as a way to get men
to fucking leave,
because over time,
we realized
that's the quickest way
for you to go fuck our cousin
in the tepee next door.
So what you do is,
you stop fucking them.
You have to stop letting them
in your vagina.
And I know it sucks,
but now you have anal to do.
That'll be fun.
Hand jobs--listen, you'll never
be as good as they are,
but here's what you do.
Don't even try to be
as good as them.
Just try to be different.
Guys just like different.
Use lube.
Guys don't use lube
when they jerk off generally.
They just grab, like,
whatever lotion is nearby,
and it, like,
stings their pee hole,
or they do it dry
and it's just not that good.
So if you bring lube--
and I'm even--
on a first fucking date,
you know when you're
sitting on the couch
watching whatever he put on
that you're pretending to like
so you're a cool girl
and you're like,
"I love this reality show
about Formula 1 driver"--
whatever the fuck it is.
Like, you're just like,
"I'm actually into it."
And then he pulls out his dick
'cause you start kissing
for, like, two seconds,
and you're like,
"God, I don't want to blow him.
It's too soon."
I don't--like, I don't want
to have sex with him.
Just go, "I want
to jerk you off,
but I want to go get my lube."
And I know that's like,
"I'm gonna go get lube
that's in my purse
on a first date?"
Yes.
"Well, he's gonna think
that's so weird."
If he has a boner,
he's not thinking.
He's not storing information
about you or judging you.
He'll just be like, "Okay."
And you just go get your lube
and you put it in your hand,
and he'll just kinda be like,
"What?"
And you don't even have
to do a certain motion
to make him happy.
Just hold out your hand
confidently and be like,
"Just fuck my hand."
You can giggle about it
and be like,
"Some comedian
told me to do this.
Just fuck my hand. Seriously."
And do it, like--
I like to do it--
like, I stand like Beyonc
at the end of, like,
a really high note.
[cheers and applause]
And I don't even do any motion.
I just keep it still
and let them fuck it.
And you can--it's kinda fun
'cause you get to change the
tightness of your hand vagina,
'cause down there,
you are what you are,
but here you can make it like
18-year-old virgin
or like Octomom.
Like, you can do, like--
you get a--
So...
don't have sex with them
in your vagina.
And I know it's tough,
but you can do it.
And finally...
so rule number one.
Let's review.
Number one, look fuckable.
Number two, don't fuck him.
And number three--
and this is where
I had to drop out of the book--
stop talking.
Just shut up.
When you want to say something,
don't say it
and men will like you more.
And the thing is, "Oh, no,
I don't want to stop talking.
"I don't want to be like
a fucking handmaid.
"Like, there's something sad
about that.
Like, I'm gonna just be quiet
the rest of my life?"
No, no, no.
You can go back
to your normal self.
You just have to wait
until he dies
and then you can chat it up
while playing canasta
with your gals.
No.
You just gotta, like,
not talk as much,
and that one
was a harsh reality to face.
But it checked out.
When I read that, I was like,
"God, stop talking.
That makes so much sense."
I've always wondered why,
as a female comic
who's got a little bit
of notoriety,
why I don't have
the same selection of suitors
that male comics seem to get.
You know,
male comics are batting
so fucking far
out of their league.
They do better than musicians,
than actors.
And I mean,
there's evidence of this.
I mean, look at Pete Davidson--
not closely, but, like,
if you--
He's a--
he's a good-looking guy.
No doubt about it.
Would I? Of course.
But is--is he Kate Beckinsale,
Kim Kardashian, Ariana Grande,
Kaia Gerber hot?
He's EGOT'd for women.
No!
He shouldn't be fucking
Kim Kardashian.
Like,
with Pete Davidson's looks,
he should be fucking...me.
Like, I would be a good person.
But that would never happen,
because male comics can get
so far out of their league.
It frustrates me.
Men already get out
of their league
just by being whoever they are.
Every single straight couple
you know,
the woman is definitely hotter
than the man.
It's just the way it is.
Maybe you can think
of one couple
or, like, a couple
that you can think of,
celebrity couples where you go,
"He's actually far
more handsome than she is."
What do you say? You go,
"He's really--
he's so good-looking.
"And she's pretty cool
with the fact that he's gay.
"Like, I love that she just
lets him fuck guys
and they pretend
to be married."
They're like, "Oh, it's sort of
like Timon and Pumbaa."
Like, they think
your husband's gay
if you're less attractive.
But male comics, man,
they fucking kill it.
And female comics
just don't do as well.
And I've always been like,
"Where's the disconnect there?"
And it makes sense.
It's 'cause men don't really--
they're not horny for women
who talk a lot
and who are loud.
And it's based on the caveman
thing again, I think,
because there's something
about a guy onstage just, like,
commanding a crowd.
He has all your attention.
He's controlling
people's emotions
by making them laugh.
And you're just like,
"That's the tribe leader,
and I shall have him.
"He will help my survival.
"He has all the sickest furs
in that tepee of his.
"I'll be protected
during wartime and famine.
He will be mine."
It's, like, hot to you.
But it's not the same
for female stand-ups.
Men aren't, like, horny
for women onstage being like,
"My pussy itches,
so let me tell you about it,
girls."
Like, they--
they're not like, "Yes!"
They're just like...[groans]
"It's fine
that you're saying that.
"Just, like--can you just,
like, quiet down a little bit?
"Your voice is really harsh,
and it, like,
"slices through the night air
in a different way than ours.
"And there's a neighboring
tribe just over the ridge
"that is ready to attack,
and they're gonna come
"murder us at dawn
because you won't shut up
"about your pussy itching.
"So could you please keep it
to hushed tones over the fire?
"Please?
We're gonna die
'cause you have an opinion."
And it's just true.
And then there was
a study that came out
that confirmed all of this.
There was a study that came out
that my friend found.
It was--I think it was
in "The Atlantic"...
Ocean.
It was an "Us Weekly"
that she kinda pulled out
of the surf,
but she--no, it was--
it was, like,
in a rep-utable or repu-table--
I don't know which word 'cause
I don't read those journals--
but, like, it was
in one of the gooder journals,
and what the study said was,
"Why Men Don't Like
Funny Women."
And what they found was
that men and women both say
they look for the same thing
in the opposite sex.
First of all, looks,
second, sense of humor,
which, that should be
a good thing for female comics.
Number two, sense of humor?
But then they dug deeper,
and what they found was that
women define
sense of humor in a man
as a man who makes them laugh,
and men define sense of humor
in a woman
as a woman who laughs
at their jokes.
Yeah.
That's not a funny woman.
It's a smart woman.
That's why
I'll be alone forever.
That's it, though.
Look fuckable.
Don't fuck them.
Talk less.
So I just feel like
in closing, like,
I just want to leave you
with this. Um...
[chuckles]
- Whoo!
[cheers and applause]
- [giggling]
Wait. Do you hear that?
That's blood rushing
to all of your dicks right now.
I can hear--I can hear it.
Thank you guys so much.
I had so much fun.
You've been amazing.
I've been fuckable, hopefully.
Good night, you guys.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
[Metric's "Gimme Sympathy"]
- Sign me up
Got no time
to take a picture
I'll remember someday
All the chances we took
We're so close
To something
better left unknown
[bright tone]
[TV static drones]
[bright tone]
[Metric's "Gimme Sympathy"]
- Get hot
Get too close to the flame
Wild, open space
Talk like an open book
Sign me up
Got no time
to take a picture
I'll remember someday
All the chances we took
We're so close
To something
better left unknown
We're so close
To something
better left unknown
I can feel it in my bones
Give me sympathy
announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen,
Nikki Glaser!
[cheers and applause]
- What's up, Denver?
[cheers and applause]
[sighs]
Look at you.
How's it going, guys?
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, my God, I deserve that.
Hi. How are you?
And how was your COVID?
Was it good?
Mine was good.
I spent some time with family.
Questioned everything.
I mean, I survived it so far.
I--I kind of--
I couldn't say it
when COVID first came out,
but, like, I, like, knew
I wasn't gonna die from it.
Like, I just--
I know that's cocky.
And probably I'm wrong,
but I feel the same way about,
like, texting and driving.
Like, I'm good.
Like, I got it.
You shouldn't, but, like...
I'll be okay.
I know that's crazy, but...
I'm just different, you know?
I don't do it, but I could.
But I don't.
I really am good about it.
Like, if you ever see me
texting and driving,
it's always
'cause I'm at an intersection,
just plowing through it.
But that's because
it was important.
No, I just, like, did not think
I was gonna die of it.
I just--
I just, like, don't get sick,
ever, like, physically sick.
That's not, like, a brag.
Mentally, I'm fucked, but, um--
oh, that'll take me out soon.
But, um--
and it's not 'cause I'm, like--
I--it's not 'cause I'm, like,
genetically superior.
I just was, like,
"I'm just not gonna die of it."
Like, I just--
I'm just, like, so gross
that my immune system
is pretty great.
I just--
I'm--I'm gross.
Like, I--
Like, I eat at Subway,
like, proudly.
I love it.
I'll eat something
off the ground.
Five-second rule.
Like, five-month rule.
I don't care. Like...
sometimes I get jealous
of my Roomba,
to be honest with you.
I was like,
"I was gonna get that.
I was waiting for it
to get, like, chewy."
I seriously am gross.
If you ever see me
in a public restroom
and I'm, like, waving my hand
under the soap dispenser
and it just doesn't come out--
like, it literally
just is like...
[blows]
Like, it just, like,
queefs nothing,
like, I don't go
to another one.
I just go, "You know what?
I tried.
That was good enough."
And I wash
like there was something there.
I'll mime, like, "Ooh, suds,"
but there aren't any.
And you know that too.
I just don't care about germs.
So I don't know.
It was hard for me sometimes
with the masks.
Like, I would be like,
"I don't want to wear it.
I'm not scared."
But it's like,
it's not about you.
Like, it's about other people.
I had to remember, like--
I created a mantra for myself
to remind myself of that,
'cause it was like,
"Okay, you don't care
if you get it.
You just don't want
to give it."
You're fine if you get it.
You just don't want to give it.
It's like oral sex.
Like, you just
don't want to give it
to the elderly, you know,
or your parents.
That would be awful.
It's like, ugh,
go down on your mom
or dad like that.
I just couldn't live
with myself.
I'm sorry for that imagery.
But, like,
now that it's out there,
like, if you had to go down
on one of them,
like, who would it be?
Like, if you had, like--
just--just--
and I'm not saying that
to be outrageous.
I promise you.
I'm not saying that
just so you're like,
"She's shocking and gross."
I'm only saying that
because I thought it once
and I don't want to be alone
with that, okay?
So that's--
you have to have it, too, now.
Okay, I'm gonna save you time.
Like, don't even think
about it.
Like, stop.
I know it's gonna haunt you
for, you know, a while,
but it shouldn't.
I figured it out.
Gotta go with your mom.
Go with your mom.
It's an easy one.
First of all,
your mom has had
her pussy eaten way less
than your dad has had
his dick sucked in his life.
That's just stats.
It's--
Give her one more
for the road.
You know what I'm saying?
'Cause you will--
she will kill herself
after you go down on her.
You will take
your own life, too, so just--
you can't keep living
after you go down on your mom.
So, yeah, give her one more.
And also--
now, this is just solid logic--
you gotta go down on your mom,
because...
if you were a vaginal birth,
you already touched it
with your mouth.
Like, you already--
you've been down there
technically.
You've--
- Whoo!
- Your mouth has hit it.
It's just unavoidable.
It's just true.
I'm sorry.
Dare I say, it was
the first thing you ever did,
um, on this planet.
And it'll be the last.
It's so gross.
I, like--I don't like
that joke either.
It's awful.
I just have to do
that joke sometimes because
I just feel like
it perfectly encapsulates,
like, what comedians
are supposed to do,
which is present information
that's true
that you haven't thought of
before.
And that joke--
the Venn diagram,
I mean, for "it's true"
and "you've never thought
of it before,"
that joke is a fucking--
that really hits
the baby's mouth
on the mom's clit,
or wh--the nail on the head.
Whatever--however you say it,
but that's--
it just is the most true thing.
A guy asked me to call him
Daddy in bed recently.
And it was Father's Day,
so I was like,
"Okay, I'll give it to you,"
but...
I didn't get him a gift
last year.
No, it's--
I'm--I was weirded out by it.
And it grossed me out
and...
[sighs]
Only because I kissed
my dad on the lips
till I was, like, 24.
And it was just a thing
we did in my family,
you know,
like deny alcoholism.
Like, we just, like,
act like everything's fine.
And, um, I remember the day
I put an end to it.
I had just been, like,
smooching all day long
with my boyfriend--
not to brag or whatever,
but I was just, like,
really going hard with the guy.
And, um, I went to go meet
my parents for dinner.
And I greeted my dad,
and just, like, we went in
and I kissed him on the lips,
and it ju--
the wires just got crossed.
Like, they just--
I lingered a second too long.
And it was just, blegh!
And I stopped immediately.
Like, I let go of his lip.
I was biting it.
But I was like, "Dad,
I can't kiss you anymore."
He was so sad too.
My sweet dad.
He was just like,
"Don't be weird about this.
"We kiss on the lips
in this family.
That's what we do."
And I'm like, "Then why don't
you and Mom ever do it?
Why do Lauren and I
have to suffer?"
My sister.
But I--you know, I--I do it.
I sometimes do it,
'cause sometimes
he's just like,
"Nikki, come on, I incest."
And I was like,
"Okay, that's a good--
Dad, I'll--aw."
Say it like that...
I don't know, I just--
I felt weird when the guy
wanted me to call him Daddy.
I didn't want
to kink shame, though.
I didn't want to be like,
"What the fuck?
Are you fucking w"--you know?
'Cause I--I just--
you know, I don't want
to yuck someone's yum.
I found the best way
to discourage
something in bed
that you're not into
is to try to get them
to not be into it
on their own, you know?
Try to ruin it for them.
So I gave in at first.
It was hard, but I was like,
"Oh, yeah.
Does Daddy like that?
What about this?
Does Daddy like this?"
And by the end of it,
I was just like,
"Dada. Dadada.
Dada, Dadada."
[blows raspberry]
"Dada, Dadada. Dada.
Dada, Dadada."
He came right away.
And that's when I--
that's when I knew.
That's when I knew
I had to keep
my niece and nephew
away from him.
I never want to make
anyone feel bad
about something I think
they're doing that's gross.
It's just--'cause I know
that I bring so many things
to the bedroom
that would gross a guy out,
like, um,
lots of little pieces
of toilet paper
in my vagina lips
that get stuck
despite my best efforts.
I don't know--
I don't know why.
I do know.
I use one ply.
I'm trying to save
the goddamn planet.
I ju--it's--
oh, God, just these li--
you know
what I'm talking about.
By your laughter, I know.
Thank God I'm not alone
on this one.
These little hamster joints,
they're the tiniest little--
they're finely rolled
in such a way that I'm like,
"The meticulousness
of this roll--
"is my pussy
in the Wu-Tang Clan?
Like, this is impressive."
So you know--you know
what I'm talking about.
And I look for them.
I try to scour my vagina
before I even--
if I think a guy's
gonna go down there,
I definitely look for them.
I try to get them all out.
'Cause it's happened to me
so many times.
I'll go through it
page by page.
I will leaf through.
Sometimes I don't finish it all
before he picks me up,
and I put a bookmark in it,
or I, you know,
dog-ear a lip,
and I get back to it.
I always try to get them all.
I try.
Despite my best efforts,
I will still have
a guy go down there,
and I'm very confident, like,
"Got 'em all,"
and I'll just hear him go...
[spits lightly]
Just, like, a little...
[spits lightly]
God damn it.
Like, I always used to think
these little pieces
of toilet paper were
'cause I was like, "There's
something wrong with me.
Why am I so gross?"
That's not why.
I try to get them out.
And I know that I'm not alone.
I found out I'm not alone.
I remember
I was in high school.
I just got glasses
for the first time,
so I could, like,
clearly see the ground
in front of me
in a public restroom.
And all of a sudden, this world
of tiny little hamster doobies,
like, lit up to me.
And they were everywhere.
There's, like, a cockroach
smoking one of them
in the corner.
I'm like, "Oh, my God."
This is a common problem.
It's not just me.
I feel connected
to other women when I see them.
[sighs] And I do believe
it's probably
how we'll communicate
with each other
when we lose all our rights
inevitably, you know?
When we're handmaids,
it's all we'll have.
We'll just be walking
to market and just--
you'll just kind of
release some,
just kick them out
like Andy Dufresne
on the Shawshank prison yard.
Just leave a little pile.
And you'll come across
your friend's pile and be like,
"Oh, Caleb's still alive.
"She's out there.
"She hasn't had
the good fortune
of hurling herself
off a cliff."
So we'll use them someday.
And by someday,
I mean in, like, three years
when he comes back.
That joke will get me beheaded
in the town square.
[sighs]
Oh, well.
I don't know, I just--
I've felt so much shame
about my vagina over the years.
I've worked a lot
of my shame out onstage.
It's helped me.
I will shave my vagina
thoroughly.
And I will go to itch it
later on in the day,
and there will be
a patch of hair
that is so substantial,
it's almost, like, out of one
of those children's books
where it's like,
"Pet the bunny,"
and it's just, like,
a little round circle.
And you're like,
"You can feel it.
Go on, pet it."
I'm like,
"I gotta show Poppy this."
That's my niece.
But, um...
I don't know.
I don't, like, love my vagina.
I mean, I'm getting there.
I feel like acceptance
is the key.
I don't need to love it.
I don't need to do
what these magazines tell me.
And, like, body positivity
posts are like,
"Love your vagina.
"Like, just look at it.
Stand over a mirror
and gaze at it."
I've never wanted to do that.
I've never done it.
I don't want to be,
like, you know,
Pocahontas over a creek, like,
speaking
to my grandmother's reflection.
"What should I do?"
She's like,
"Follow your dreams."
I'm like, "I will."
It's just, like--it's fine.
It's just--I don't want
to look at it that often.
I'm not ashamed of it.
I'm fine with it.
I accept it.
And it's like, I think
the shame about our vaginas
is probably why men
don't go down on us
as much as they should,
you know?
Pussy eating and dick sucking
is not, uh--is not equal.
And I think some of it
is because when men go,
"I'm not into it,"
we go, "Yeah, you're right.
"I wouldn't either.
It's fine.
"You're probably right.
And it's--don't worry about it.
"It's not my birthday.
"And--I mean, it is,
but I'll have another one
"in four years.
It's February 29th
"and it's every leap year,
but it's fine.
You don't have to do it."
It's just true.
They don't go down on us
as much.
And, you know,
there are certain guys
that are really, like,
outspoken about it.
And we just let them be.
DJ Khaled came out
and was like,
"I don't eat pussy.
I don't eat my wife's pussy."
And I'm just like,
I didn't know you could get
any more worthless.
Like, what do you do
if you don't eat pussy?
Truly.
[cheers and applause]
[chuckles]
He just shouts his name
over his wife coming
in the room by herself
and claims it as his own.
Is that what he does?
I don't mean--
I already didn't care for him
that much.
And when I heard that,
I was like, "Fuck you."
But then--then I looked
into it and I go,
"Hold on, let me empathize
with this guy.
Maybe there's
another story here."
And there was.
DJ Khaled,
at the time he said that,
he was a spokesman
for WeightWatchers,
and pussy's, like,
eight points.
So maybe he was
just really trying
to stick to his plan.
That's a--that cuts
into your day, you know?
He had a goal.
I can't understand
when guys are just like,
"I'm just, like, not into it."
Like, I get not being into it.
But do you think we suck dick
just for the taste of it,
Diet Coke?
Like, we don't.
It's--I don't care
if you don't like it.
It's not like I don't like
sucking dick.
I do like it because, you know,
it's something I've done.
It gives pleasure
to someone I care about.
I'm getting kind of good at it.
I can leave in my Invisalign
because it, like, rounds out
my teeth and I don't worry
about biting too hard
or scraping a dick.
I can straighten as I blow.
But I don't, like,
inherently like it.
I don't care
if you don't like it.
Like I--I really don't need you
to love it.
I--that's not part of it
for me.
For every faction of guys
that's like,
"I don't eat pussy,"
there's always another one
that's like, "I'll do it.
"I'll eat it all day.
I love pussy.
"Wait, I'll do it.
I love pussy.
I'll--I'll eat your pussy."
And it's just like,
"Not you.
"Like, you're not--
your--your mouth is wet.
"It looks like you
already were, and I just--
"can I just have my pizza
and you go, okay?
I don't know
why you told me that."
Should've done DiGiorno.
It's always just like--
just like,
"Ah, I love eating pussy."
They're just like...[groans]
And they think
we're gonna be like,
"You do? Will you marry me?"
Like, we don't want you--
I don't want someone
to want pussy in general,
just like,
"Any--I just love pussy.
I love eating pussy."
I'm like, "I think you have
"a vitamin deficiency
of some sort,
because it shouldn't be
something you crave."
Take a fish oil supplement.
Anything. I don't know.
Get some blood work done.
"I love it.
I'll eat your pussy.
"I could spend hours
down there.
I love it.
I'll go down on you for hour"--
I'm like, "That's too long.
You're doing it wrong."
If you're down there
that long--
I don't need you down there.
You're gonna eat it all.
Like, leave some
for the rest of us.
That's too long.
You're--by the time
you come up,
you're gonna look like
my fingertips after a bath.
I don't want
to Benjamin Button you
down there.
I get not wanting to eat pussy.
Can I say that?
Like, I actually empathize
with men who are like,
"Mm, it's not for me."
I, like--I get it.
Because, like, there are times
where I think
I could date women,
and the one thing
that holds me back is, like,
I just don't want to, like,
eat pussy.
Like, I just--
that's the one thing.
Sometimes that's
the only thing.
I remember telling my friend
Sabrina Jalees--
she's a lesbian.
She's a hilarious comic.
But I was telling her that,
and she goes,
"So you think the only reason
you can't be a lesbian
is because you don't want
to eat pussy?"
And she goes,
"And you haven't eaten pussy?"
I'm like, "No, but, like,
I just feel like
"I would, like, crave it
"if I was, like,
a true lesbian.
"Like, it's, like, the base
of the lesbian food pyramid.
"Like, it's a staple
of their diet.
"Like, if I--
if I'm like this about it,
I'm probably not a lesbian."
And she goes, "Okay,
well, um, did you crave
"sucking dick
before you did it?
"Were you just like,
'I can't wait'?"
And that blew my mind.
'Cause I was like, "Oh, fuck."
"I'm--I'm gay.
Like, that's--I'm a--
I am fucking gay."
Of course I didn't crave
sucking dick.
You don't crave it
until you do it.
There's so many things in life
like eating pussy
that you don't get into
until you do it a lot
and you learn
a reason to love it.
On paper, you're just like,
"Nah, no."
Like coffee.
Think about coffee.
Remember the first time
you tried coffee?
You were a child
and you were just like,
"Why do adults like it so much?
It's so gross."
But you tried it once
because you thought it was,
like, a warm soda or something
that your parent left behind
and you, like, snuck it.
But it's coffee and whiskey
but also mostly coffee,
and you're like,
"What the fuck?"
And you think, "I can't be--
I will never drink this stuff."
And then cut to today,
you're an adult,
and you're addicted.
Like, you can't live
without it, you know?
And it's the first thing
I think about in the morning.
So I don't know.
I just hope someday,
like, years from now,
you run into me,
and you just see me,
and I'm wearing, like,
a funky sweatshirt
that says, like,
"Don't talk to me
till I've had my pussy.
And I'm like, "Hey."
You're like, "You did it."
I'm like,
"I did. I did."
"And you know what?
I bring my own creamer."
[chuckles]
You're like,
"Okay, didn't need that one.
"Let's go, kids.
"She used to be
a famous comedian."
But if I live long enough,
I'm gonna eat pussy.
It's, like, on my bucket list
of sexual acts to do.
For sure.
I want to do it.
I'm scared to do it,
but, like, I want to do it.
I just hope I scratch it
off my bucket list
before I'm, like, 90,
in hospice care
and, like, my grandkids
are like,
"Grandma, you know,
it's getting towards the end.
Is there anything else
that you want to do?"
I'm just like,
"Did you see my list?"
And they're like,
"Unfortunately, we did.
"Um, we were thinking
maybe instead of that,
"we could, um--
"Taylor Swift is down
to meet you.
Is that cool?"
I'm like,
"Can she squat over my bed?
Can we make"--
Like, "Grandma, no!"
[chuckles]
Someday.
I don't know.
I've talked a lot
about my vagina so far.
I hit the quota.
I talk about my vagina
so fucking much.
I have a lot of, like,
guilt about it.
I talk about it so much,
that I don't call it
"my privates";
I call it "my public."
I gotta stop talking
about my public so much.
I just--I read, like,
what these philosophers
write about on Reddit
about how, like, female comics
talk about their vaginas
and that's, like, all they do
and it's so easy for them.
Being dirty,
it does feel bad sometimes.
I'm 37.
All I do is talk
about my vagina onstage.
It's like, enough! I just--
I don't know, I'm just
at this point in my career
where I'm ready to, like,
close that chapter
and, like, pivot,
like...to my asshole.
Like, you guys,
I have not even begun.
It--talk about clean material.
My asshole's pretty clean,
actually.
I'm prepared for later tonight.
So it's, uh, squeaky.
It's probably a better bet
than my vagina right now,
to be honest with you.
'Cause I prepare, yeah.
I used to just wing it.
Don't do that.
Don't--
don't just, like,
feel your body and go,
"Mm, I got it."
You don't.
You don't got it,
and you'll pay the price, but--
and now I got a whole--
I got a whole system.
I'll tell you about it too.
'Cause I want you
to have anal sex.
I want all of you to.
Let me--let me try
to get you into it.
Let me just try
to persuade you.
You don't have to.
But I just know a lot of women
who are so adventurous in bed.
And when it comes to anal,
they just go,
"No. Nope.
Mm-mm, nope.
I've tried it, and no, mm-mm."
And I hear you.
I'm sure you did try it.
But I'm just saying,
I do think that maybe you can't
say you've tried it,
really say you've tried it,
until you can answer yes
to the following questions,
okay?
Number one.
Did you use
all the lube in the land?
Did you lube?
I'm talking about
lubricant you buy.
Not a couple loogies
from the dry, drunk mouth
of the guy who convinced you
it'd be a good time to try it
when you're not actually ready.
That's not lube.
A lot of lube.
I mean, like, a half a bottle.
Enough that the TSA
would be like,
"You can't go through
with that.
Like, you gotta finish it."
A lot. I'm not joking.
Are you with someone that,
if you had an accident,
you wouldn't have
to kill yourself afterwards?
Like, they're not gonna tell
their dodgeball league
and it's gonna follow you
around town.
Are you doing it with someone
that can keep a secret?
A little brown secret?
'Cause if not,
you haven't tried it.
[sighs] Number two.
Are you relaxed?
This is something
that a lot of people
have anxiety about.
You gotta be relaxed.
Did you come once already?
Vaginally, clitorally, fakely,
however you are used to it
with your partner.
Number two.
Did you prepare?
Did you prepare?
I used to not prepare
'cause I thought
that, oh, if I prepare,
if I get, like, a kit,
that's gonna mean
something about me.
Like, I'm--
like, that's all I do.
And it kind of is,
but that's not...
You know what?
It's not a lot.
I used to think it was gonna be
a whole smorgasbord
of things I'd have to do.
All you have to do to prepare
is watch a YouTube video
of a gay guy in his bathroom
being like,
"Here's how you do it, bitch."
And then you follow the link
to buy the little fucking
turkey baster
that you keep
underneath your sink.
No one will know what it is.
It just seems like the thing
you, like, suck
snot out of a baby's nose with.
Like, that's
what it looks like.
You squirt water
up your butt ten times
till the water runs clean.
Till it runs clean.
Not like
Flint, Michigan, clean
but, like, it's--
Might be more than ten times.
And even after it runs clean,
just do it--like, kind of
do this a little.
Like, just give it a couple,
like, catch-up thumps,
like you're trying
to knock out the--
Just gotta make sure, you know?
And, um, find your Heinz 57.
You know, the mark
where you hit it
and it, like, dislodges it?
Mine's my solar plexus.
Might be a different spot
for you.
Explore yourself.
Number two.
Did you lay down a brown towel?
How now, brown towel?
Just in case,
for peace of mind.
And finally, number two.
Start small.
Don't start huge right away.
Don't go
right to the big leagues.
Start with a finger.
A tiny butt plug.
Maybe your boyfriend's
tiny little penis.
Start with something
that's not intimidating.
Start there.
And then work your way up.
And I know you're like,
"Well, my boyfriend doesn't
have a tiny little penis.
"He has a very big penis.
And that is crazy big.
And it's so big,
it's gonna, like, hurt."
Just for a second,
think about, for me,
the biggest shit you took,
I don't know,
in the past week.
You know the one.
You know?
The one that you're like,
"This could make it in
"'Guinness Book
of World Records,'
like, if I did enter it."
You know the one.
The one that you're like,
"I could give birth
out of my ass.
Like, that just confirmed it."
Like...
You know
what I'm talking about.
Maybe you don't,
but I think you do.
You know, the shi--
Am I the only one?
The one that you want
to take a picture of
to send to your friend Anya
but you're, like, too scared
you're gonna get hacked
and that's what TMZ
will run with?
And they'll just
blow past the folder
you've clearly marked for them
that says "Full-face nudes."
I mean, in conclusion, like,
girls, you're shitting
massive dicks, like, weekly,
so just--you can do it.
Aren't you glad I'm not talking
about my vagina anymore?
Isn't that such a--thank God.
This is who I am,
I have to say.
This is genuinely the way I am
offstage too.
And it is ironic,
because I am kind of prudish,
and I started out that way.
I know that seems crazy.
In a relationship,
I'm a filthy slut.
But I am--
I'm kind of scared of guys.
I always have been.
I didn't kiss a boy
until I was 17.
I didn't have sex
until I was 21.
I didn't have consensual sex
until I was, like, 25.
I didn't enjoy sex ever.
And--no, it's true, though.
It's 'cause I was scared
of sex.
I was scared
of what I didn't know,
because no one talked
about it honestly, you know?
I feel like sometimes
female comics talking
honestly about sex,
we have to do it because
sex education is garbage,
you know?
You either learn
by watching porn,
or you learn at school,
where they either give you
too much science-y words
and then, like,
horrifying STDs,
so it's just, like,
"The vas deferens
is the janitor of the male
reproductive system,"
and you're like, "I don't know
what to do with that.
Is that sex?" And they're like,
"Well, if you have sex,
"your vagina might look
like an exploded lasagna,
so watch"--it's just, like,
"Here's a picture."
And you're like,
"Jesus Christ."
It's nothing real.
I just think it's important
to talk
about this stuff openly.
And as much as I shouldn't be
a 37-year-old woman onstage
talking explicitly
about her sex life,
I think there's
something to be had from it.
I remember
my housekeeper being like,
"My 11-year-old daughter
googled you.
That was close." And I'm like,
"I hope she watches
everything."
I hope she watches everything.
'Cause I think kids are
smart enough to go, like,
"That's not for me yet.
"But when I get there,
at least I'll know
"that a guy might come
on my face,
and here's what I might be able
to do with it."
Be funny with it
is the answer there.
Be funny with come.
You will have to encounter it.
It's gross.
You avoid it.
First time I gave a hand job,
I was so scared of come,
I did it over the toilet
so that it would just be
direct deposit.
'Cause I was like,
"I'm gonna be bad
at handling come."
I was nervous about that.
Insane. But I was.
I was like,
"I'm gonna be bad at it."
Now I make
all of my jokes during sex
about come because I've learned
the hard way
that if you make jokes
before they come,
guys don't have, like--
all of their thought blood
is in their dick,
so they can't understand
sarcasm or irony.
So they're just, like,
"What'd you say?"
And so focus
all of your sex-based humor
around come,
'cause after they come,
they're just like,
"What? Okay."
Like, they're back to normal
and you, like--
you're like, "Oh, you're back.
I missed you."
That's when you can
make them laugh.
I do it all the time.
Come-based humor
is my favorite.
I don't know,
come in your hand is hilarious.
You can act
like you're Spider-Man
but your, like, valves
are clogged.
You're like,
"It doesn't work.
I told them. It's just"--
[whining]
Rub it together,
be like, "Jacob's ladder."
And, like, "Do you see?
Do you see it?"
Cat's cradle.
I--I could go on
for another two hours
of come bits,
I have so many.
My favorite is after they come
and they're just like...
[groans]
And they're just kind of
laying there like...
[snickers]
And their little penis is,
like, slowly--
it's, like,
shrinking up
and kind of sticking
to their thigh.
And I'm just, like,
walking around,
still, like, very, like,
just, like, full of energy.
I'll be like, "Oh, my God,
I forgot my lip gloss,"
and I'll just grab it
and go, "Mm."
And then, "Bye."
And then I'll leave forever.
No, I don't.
I always come back.
Girls go into sexual encounters
knowing really nothing,
'cause no one's telling them
what honestly happens.
And then you're scared
of doing it wrong.
Then something happens
and you go,
"I guess that's the way it is,"
but it's not.
I feel like
it's most girls' fear.
Like, we just are so scared
of doing things wrong.
That's why I never gave
hand jobs.
I think I used to let
guys fuck me
before I even wanted them to
because I just--
it's easy to be good at sex.
You're just like,
"I'm a hole," you know?
But, like, when you're giving
a hand job,
it, like, takes rhythm
and finesse.
And I was just so anxious
about being bad at it.
Girls don't do so many things
because we think
we'll be bad at it
and that you'll make fun of us
or judge us for it
or we'll disappoint you.
And hand jobs,
I avoided them.
I literally ate ass
before I gave a hand job.
Like, I was just like,
at least that's something
he can't do himself, you know?
Unless he's very flexible.
But...
I was terrified of hand jobs.
And that should be
the first thing you do.
I just feel like if--
if I ever have a daughter,
I'll drown her
and wait for a son.
But if I'm ever forced
to have a daughter...
'cause there's no water left
to drown her in,
I will--I will tell
my daughter, like,
"Hey, first of all,
any worry you have
"about guys judging you
or you being bad at it,
"if they have a boner,
they're not really thinking.
"They're not judging you.
"They're not storing away
information to use against you.
"They're really dumb
when they're horny.
Like, very, very dumb."
Sometimes I hook up with guys
and they're so horny and, like,
kind of, like...[grunts]
I'm like,
"Is this, like, a situation
"where he's, like,
special needs
and I shouldn't do this?"
Like, am I gonna go to jail
because I took advantage
of a mentally challenged man?
I swear to God he was talking
about Bitcoin 20 minutes ago,
but now he can't form
sentences,
and he's grunting
and making weird noises.
It's just like,
"What happened?"
I remember when I gave
a hand job the first time,
which was my biggest fear
because they do it
better themselves.
This is something
I know I'm gonna be bad at,
no matter what.
They're better at it than me.
They've been doing it
all along.
And it's true.
You'll never be as good
at giving a hand job
as a guy is to himself.
That is true.
They have clocked
their 10,000 hours
by the time they're
in seventh grade.
There's no chance
you'll ever be as good at them.
You're never gonna clock
as many hand jobs as them.
So the first hand job
I ever gave,
I was so paranoid
about doing it
worse than he does it
that I was like,
"I'll do it from behind."
It was like an improv game.
Like, I was like,
"I'm your arms."
You know? I was like--
it was like I was Wayne Brady
on "Whose Line."
I was like, "This'll do it."
The worst part--
I was already feeling terrible,
and then the worst part
was when I caught
my own reflection
in the bathroom mirror.
And it was just
such a sad sight.
It was during the day.
I'd just gotten done with work.
I was working
at a Korean prep school,
so my lanyard was just, like,
hanging between us.
And I was just, like, wearing
this Target blazer.
And the lighting was terrible.
And the mirror--oh, my God.
So it was a mirror here
and then a mirror on this side.
So it was infinity of me
just, like, giving
this sad hand job,
just, like--
It was the saddest Rockettes
you've ever seen.
It was like
Christmas Sploogetacular.
Like, I was just like,
"Oh, God."
And that's when I started
to shame spiral of, like,
"You're such a dumb slut.
"Like, you're just giving
this guy pleasure.
"He doesn't like you.
"He's probably never gonna
talk to you again.
You got nothing out of this."
And I just started going
to this place.
And then I was like,
"Wait, like,
"I'm not getting
nothing out of this.
Like, this is
kind of hilarious."
And maybe at the time,
I wasn't thinking,
"I'm gonna tell thousands
of people in Denver someday,"
but I thought
I might tell my friends.
And that was enough for me,
of just being like,
"This is funny."
Because sex is hilarious.
So if you ever find yourself
in a situation
where you're like,
"I'm being used,
"and this--I'm just, like--
I'm getting nothing
out of this,"
just make it funny
for yourself.
And, like, make it for you.
'Cause I swear to God,
I remember
I just had that thought,
and then I, like,
straightened up my posture
and kind of getting, like,
a swagger with it,
and I looked back at my selves,
and I winked.
I was like,
"We got this, girls."
[cheers and applause]
Like, we were the Spice Girls
before a final reunion
performance.
I just f--I felt
charged up from it.
I was like, "This is wild.
"I've never done anything
like this in my life.
"I didn't kiss a boy
until I was 17.
"I was scared of men,
and now I'm jerking
"this guy off over a toilet?
Like, I'm cool."
I remember skipping
out of his house.
I remember skipping
to my fucking car
that had been towed
while I was doing it.
So it was a low point
in my life,
but it was a high point,
'cause I was like,
"I'm a weird, cool whore.
"And, like, I don't know,
I just can't wait
to tell someone about it."
Some of the most empowering
days of my life have been
from me doing just kind of
slutty, degrading things
that on paper could be,
you know,
"Oh, that's so sad."
But I'm like, "I never thought
I could do this,
and I'm doing it."
Like, if you would have
asked me four years ago,
"Nikki, will you ever eat ass?"
I would have been like,
"Yeah, I did two years ago."
But if you would have asked me
six years ago,
will I ever eat ass?
I'd have been like,
"This is a weird census.
Get off my porch,"
but I would've said,
"Is this really
what they're asking now?
Okay, um"--
No, I would have said,
"Hell no."
I would have gone--
I would have signed off
to go to my grave
without eating ass.
Who needs to do that?
And ironically enough,
since I've done it,
I actually--I call eating ass
"going to the grave."
But, um, just based
on the taste alone.
But...I have done it.
I don't know how I did it.
I only know
that I got horny enough
that it seemed
like a good idea.
I got as stupid
as I've seen men get
when they get horny,
and I got there.
I was able to do something
I never would have thought--
if you had asked me
ten seconds before I did it
if I would ever do it,
I would have been like,
"Oh, no."
Like, there were balls
in my mouth, but I was like,
"I would never"--
Like, I would have said no.
'Cause I had no idea.
But I got horny enough
that it seemed
like a good idea.
Guys, if you get us
horny enough,
we will do crazy, crazy things
that we swear we'd never do.
Keep that in mind.
Seriously.
You just never get us
horny enough.
And by the way,
when I say "eating ass,"
I didn't, like--I wasn't like,
"Mmm, Yoplait,
fruit on the bottom."
Like, it's not eating.
I hate "eating"--
it sounds like I'm chewing it
or something.
No, he didn't have
a hemorrhoid.
I just, like...
feel like it'd be chewy.
I don't know.
Just, like, admitting
that I ate ass,
it's not--
I'm not trying to be gross.
I'm really not.
I'm just--I swear to God,
after I ate ass,
I was like,
"I could do anything.
"Like, I've licked
a man's asshole.
I could--I could be president."
Like, that's--you know?
And then I remembered
I'm a woman.
And I was like,
"Okay, scratch that.
"Like...
but maybe I could eat
a president's ass."
A girl can dream.
I, uh--I lived with my parents
during COVID
for about ten months.
So now I'm looking
for a husband
because I don't want
to do that again
when it comes back.
Yeah, I gotta get a husband.
It's time.
And it's really more about,
like, just wanting
to be with someone
when the inevitable apocalypse
befalls us.
I just want one guy
to fucking care about me.
I want to be number one
on a guy's list.
For him to be like,
"I gotta get to Nikki!"
You know?
Like, I want that.
And sure, like,
my dad cares about me.
And I'm still--
like, I'm on his list.
But I'm lower.
There's nieces and nephews.
And I'm still above my mom
'cause I kissed him on the lips
till I was 26,
but, um...
I earned that spot.
But, like, he's getting older.
And I just want someone
to, like, care
when shit goes down.
And it got into my head
watching the movie
"San Andreas."
Did you guys see that
where, like,
there's this huge earthquake
and the--
pretty much the only people
that survive
on the whole West Coast
are The Rock's family
that he's trying to get to
the whole movie.
Whole movie is him
just trying to get to them.
And anyway--and you don't stand
a chance to survive
unless you have The Rock
looking for you.
And I'm like,
"I gotta find my Rock."
And the truth of the matter is,
in a natural disaster,
it's kind of everyone
for themselves, you know?
Like, I feel like even The Rock
would just, like, sprint
out of his mansion and leave
his wife and kids behind.
They're like,
"Where are you going?"
And he just, like, has
his protein powders
and his MTV popcorn awards
and Kevin Hart in this arm.
And he's just like, "I'm just--
I gotta get to Elon's."
Just everything that'll
keep him relevant
into the future.
I gotta find a guy to care.
And by the way, I just want him
to scream my fucking name.
That's all I want.
I just want the energy
out in the world of, like,
"Nikki!"
- Nikki!
- No, you're gonna--
you're gonna try
to find your mom.
I--just don't even pretend
like you won't.
Every man is gonna look
for his mom,
even if she's already dead.
[sighs]
That moment when we get
the alert on our phone,
that's when I want him
to go into action.
You know the alert
that's gonna happen
that's gonna be like,
"It's ending, guys.
Uh, sorry.
Five minutes to say goodbye."
It's gonna sound
like an Amber Alert at first.
You're gonna go,
"Should we even get it?
"It just sounds like--
it's probably an Amber Alert."
But someone's gonna go,
"It sounds diff--
like, it's, like, piercing.
It's more urgent."
It's like, "Maybe, like,
a white child's missing?
"Like, we should just check.
"Like it could be a--
"a delicate...baby white girl.
I just want to check."
And then I want
my husband to look
and it's, like, you know,
a tsunami's coming.
And I just want him to be like,
"Nikki!"
And then he doesn't get to me.
He just gets, like, hit
by a filing cabinet in a wave.
But still, like,
just the energy's in the world.
That is true, though.
It's like, you don't drown
in a tsunami.
You just die
from the garbage in it, so--
That's--
I just want you guys to
rest assured, don't worry.
You're not gonna drown.
You're just gonna get impaled
by a stop sign.
Or, like,
a fucking Peloton bike
is gonna slice off your head.
But that's--just--
you won't drown.
[chuckles]
I've started reading books,
though,
about how to trick a man
into loving you,
'cause I was just like,
"This being yourself shit
"ain't working
for old Glasedog.
Uh, I'm gonna pick up
one of these books."
These books that are like,
"Do anything but be yourself.
"Please, God, change your ways.
Here are the tricks."
The one I tell
every girl to read
because I've seen
my friends use it and it works
is called "Getting to 'I Do.'"
It lays out a plan
for how to get a guy
and trick him
into committing to you,
'cause you will
have to deceive him.
And, um,
it's just the way it works.
And let me just say, though,
that the book
"Getting to 'I Do'"--
if the guy
you're trying to seduce
into a relationship
sees the cover of the book,
you lost, okay?
Don't let him see the cover.
"Getting to 'I Do'"?
It's terrible.
Cover it up
with another book cover.
Fucking "Mein Kampf"
is better than
"Getting to 'I Do.'"
Anything.
But it will get you there.
I'm serious.
Okay, so rule number one--
and by the way,
this is all based upon the fact
that we are still animals.
You know, our brains
have not adapted
to modern culture.
We're still operating
based on instincts
that are gonna help
our--our species survive
and make more babies.
So that's all we do.
That's why we're attracted
to anything
is because
somewhere back here,
our mammal brain is like,
"This will help you survive,
or this will make more of you."
So starting
from that perspective--
'cause we all used to live
in tribes, by the way.
There was no, like,
marriage or, like, monogamy.
We just all fucked each other.
And we all needed to make
as many babies as possible
because the harsh winter
was coming,
and babies don't survive.
So it wasn't like it is now,
but we're still operating
on those instincts.
Our brain has been hitting
"Remind me tomorrow"
on the system update
for thousands of years.
Like, it's not gonna get to it.
And so you have to honor that
even though it sucks,
'cause the first rule:
look fuckable.
Just look fuckable.
Appeal to men wanting
to put their penises in you
and make more of them.
And be fuckable.
Get his attention.
Make his monkey brain be like,
"I can get that pregnant.
"She looks like
she's ovulating.
She's a good host
for my sperm."
That's--every makeup trend
is taking advantage
of that biological wiring
of, like, "She's ovulating."
That's why, you know,
we all want, like,
big, shiny, like, glossy lips.
Like, that's the look,
'cause it looks like a vagina,
which you probably know, right?
Like, literally
the best-looking lips right now
are just the same ones you see
on the baboon
at the zoo exhibit
that you have to, like,
keep the kids away from it
'cause she's just, like,
wiping her wet vulva
on, like, a branch,
and you're like,
"Let's maybe go to see
the dolphins."
That's what our lips look like.
So that men go, "Pussy."
Like, they subconsciously
think about our vaginas.
It's wild.
We don't even know
we're doing it.
I just--I don't know.
I love makeup.
I have a love-hate relationship
with it.
It does help you look
more fuckable.
It's, like--it just does.
It tricks guys.
Sometimes I put on, like,
this dewy finishing spray
or, like, a highlighter,
you know?
But you spray this, like,
glycerin spray
at the end of your makeup.
And people honestly go, like,
"Nikki, what's going on
in your life?
You're, like, glowing.
What's happened?"
And I'm like, "This isn't
some inner radiance.
"I've sprayed something
on my face
"that's usually used
to seal decks for the winter.
"So I'm actively
absorbing cancer right now.
Will you marry me?"
Um...
I don't like it,
and it sucks,
'cause you're like,
"I want to wear pants.
They're comfortable."
And it's like,
"Okay, well,
do you want a husband,
or do you want
to pass legislation?"
Like...[chuckles]
It's unfortunate.
It sucks.
Being fuckable is hard.
It's uncomfortable.
I wear heels
that make my legs look great.
But my feet look
like they've been
through the Ming dynasty.
They're crumpled and bunioned.
Just look fuckable, girls.
It sucks.
I know it sucks.
You going skiing?
Bring a sundress.
Like, show some skin.
Lot of single men
on that mountain.
I was worried recently,
'cause I did an interview,
and the headline of the article
came out and it said,
"Nikki Glaser Values
Being Fuckable
More Than Being Funny."
And I thought, "Oh, my God,
"people are gonna
come after me for this.
I'm--I'm a bad feminist.
Luckily no one saw it
because, like,
a celebrity died that day.
So it was like, "Yes!
Thank God
for the opioid crisis."
Like, really came in clutch
for me that day.
But, um...
it isn't even what I said.
Honestly, I was misquoted.
I remember talking
to the journalist,
and what I did say was,
"I value being fuckable
"more than being funny,
"but, like,
please don't print that.
"Like, I'm serious.
"Like, people
are gonna be pissed,
but, like, between you and me,
like, I do."
That's why I'm trying
to stay young.
I'm aging, though.
I'm aging gracefully,
but it's like--
whatever that means.
And I just want to let
you girls in your 20s know
you're gonna age too.
And I know there's a secret
part of you that's like,
"I don't want to. Like,
"I just--I don't feel like it."
'Cause I used to be in my 20s
and, like, look at women
with their skin slightly, like,
succumbing to gravity.
Like, their eyelids turning
into, like, vaginal lips.
Like, I used to see that.
I have it now when people
put on my eye makeup.
When I do it,
I have to lift my eyelid
like I'm looking for my clit
and draw a line on.
I used to be able to just,
boop.
It's happening.
It'll happen to you too.
And I know that you're like,
"No, I'm gonna opt out."
But, like,
"I'm just not gonna age.
I just, like, don't want to."
And honestly...[sighs]
I fucking hope you don't
'cause I want you to die young.
I am tired of you
dating men my age
who should be dating me,
but they date you instead.
It's okay.
I'm not mad at you about it.
I'm mad at those guys,
and I'm not even mad.
I get it.
If I was an older guy
that didn't want to settle down
and was, like, turned on
by hot young girls,
I'd fucking date
young girls too.
But I wouldn't lie about it
and be like,
"No, I know she's young, Nikki,
but, like,
"she's, like,
really mature for her age.
"Like, she's--like, that's what
I love about her most.
"She just so happens
to be 22.
"But, like, she's got, like--
she's got, like,
the oldest soul."
I don't know what's happening,
but there's, like,
an epidemic of 20-somethings
with old souls
happening right now
according to all
my 40-year-old friends.
"She's just got
the oldest soul."
Oh, really?
Of course you like the only
thing old about a woman
that you can't see.
Oh, isn't that convenient?
You never hear a guy going,
"She's 23.
"I know she's 23, Nikki,
but seriously,
"she's got, like,
the oldest pussy.
"And I just love it.
It, like, looks like
"it's, like, been through
some shit, you know?
That's what makes her
so great."
It's like, shut up!
You like her 'cause
she's hot and young!
Stop lying!
It's okay.
You like her
'cause she's young.
She looks good.
She has a tight skin,
tight puss.
She--you can lie to her
and she doesn't, like--
she'll probably believe it
more than an older woman would
because we've been lied to more
and we know your wily ways.
She doesn't want
to have kids yet,
so you can, like,
take your time.
There's a million reasons
to do it.
It's not--it's okay.
You don't have to lie
and say they have old souls.
They don't have old souls!
A few of them do!
I know a couple that actually
do have old souls
because something traumatic
happened to them.
And they need to go heal
from it.
They don't need to be humped
by you and your old body.
They need to go talk to a woman
in an office about
why they're attracted to men
that look like their uncle.
That's what they need to do.
Leave them alone.
[cheers and applause]
These 20-year-olds
should not have
the despondent glare
of a Depression-era
Dust Bowl widow
with seven mouths to feed.
Leave her alone.
Let her go heal.
That's weird.
So rule number one.
Look fuckable.
Got that.
Rule number two.
All right?
Now, this throws you
for a curve.
Rule number one
is look fuckable.
Rule number two.
Don't fuck them.
If you want to get a guy,
don't fuck them.
That's really hard to do.
Don't let them in your vagina.
You can let them
anywhere else--
well, the book actually says
don't let them in your mouth,
your vagina, or your ass,
but, like,
a girl's gotta eat, so, like,
I just say don't let them
in your vagina.
That's my interpretation
of the book.
'Cause it checks out.
It really does.
It's--[sighs]
You've felt it before.
It changes after sex.
Even if you've waited, like,
three dates
to have sex with a guy 'cause
you don't want to seem easy
or, like, however long
it makes you feel like,
"I'm not a slut,
and he'll respect me,"
whatever rule you have
in your head--
and you actually feel like
he likes you.
And let's just say
he does like you.
Let's for instance say
this is a guy
who actually likes you.
He's not lying.
He's not an F boy.
He's not lying to get
something--he truly--
he's like a Josh.
He's not a Garrett.
You know what I'm saying?
You know what I'm saying.
[laughs] He's--
he's actually invest--
he wants a girlfriend.
He hasn't settled
these things yet
because that's too soon
to talk about it.
But he's a nice guy.
And he showed such promise too.
And you want to sleep with him
'cause sex feels good
and you're ready to do that
and you're like,
"This guy's my boyfriend.
"Let me just sleep with him,
right?
"I'm tired of giving hand jobs.
"I don't have
my Invisalign tonight.
Let's just do this."
And you go,
"He's gonna be my boyfriend.
"I haven't seen a guy show
this much promise in so long.
"You know,
he knows my middle name.
"He--he listens to my dreams--
"not, like, my aspirations
but, like, my dreams
"that, like, no one
cares about,
"you know, where it's like,
my hands were hooves
"and I was in my childhood
home, but it was--like,
"he gives a shit about that.
"He's gonna come to my house
next week and hang that mirror,
"that floor-length mirror
I've just had
"tilted against the wall
for four years,
"convincing myself
that was the style,
"even though it was just 'cause
I don't have a man in my life
"with a tool belt.
"I'm just like,
'Yeah, you just tilt it.'
"He's gonna hang that mirror.
"This guy's gonna be
my boyfriend.
Let me sleep with him."
And then you do.
And you have sex,
and it's great.
Whatever it is, it's good.
He comes, and then afterwards,
there's just this slight vibe
that, like,
he, like, hates you.
Like, he wants nothing
to do with you anymore.
You've felt it, right?
Every guy knows this feeling,
and I'm not even mad at you
about it.
Every girl knows this feeling.
The humidity in the room
changes.
He--something's different.
You go, "Did I stumble
into some bad lighting?
"You know?
Did we get lost in translation?
"Did I ask for too much?
"Maybe this thing
was a masterpiece
till you tore it all up,
damn it!"
No. You question yourself.
You go, "What did I do?"
You didn't do anything.
And, guys,
you're probably wondering
the same thing of, like,
"Why do I not like her
after this?
What happened?"
It must be scary for you.
I actually empathize.
I used to get so mad at you
and be like, "He changed."
Suddenly he's making up
this whole thing
about he has to go to a meeting
tomorrow at 6:00 a.m.
That whole thing of, like, they
go to their phone, they go,
"Oh, fuck." [sighs]
And you go, "What?"
And they're like,
"I just--I gotta go
in the office tomorrow.
It fucking sucks," and you go,
"You didn't have a job
20 minutes ago.
"Like, before we had sex,
you were unemployed.
Uber doesn't have an office,
okay?"
And you go, "What did I do?"
And you didn't do anything.
It's back
to the caveman brain thing.
We used to only have sex
so we could procreate.
So when a guy comes after
even being in your vagina,
even before and he pulls out,
but if he's been
in your vagina,
his brain told him, "You got--
"you did everything you could
to get this one pregnant.
"Do not waste
another load here.
"You can't get it
pregnant twice.
"Move on to the next tepee
"and fuck her sister or cousin
or whoever.
"She's ovulating, too, 'cause
this whole tribe ovulates
at the same time."
It's like
a fucking Pilates class.
Like, it just--
they're synced up.
That's why you want to leave
afterwards.
That's why.
And, girls, I felt mad
about this 'cause I go,
"Well, I want our tribe
to have more babies too.
"Why do I get, like, fucking
clingy after a guy comes?
Why don't I want him to leave?"
And the thing is,
women through evolution
developed cuddling after sex
as a way to get men
to fucking leave,
because over time,
we realized
that's the quickest way
for you to go fuck our cousin
in the tepee next door.
So what you do is,
you stop fucking them.
You have to stop letting them
in your vagina.
And I know it sucks,
but now you have anal to do.
That'll be fun.
Hand jobs--listen, you'll never
be as good as they are,
but here's what you do.
Don't even try to be
as good as them.
Just try to be different.
Guys just like different.
Use lube.
Guys don't use lube
when they jerk off generally.
They just grab, like,
whatever lotion is nearby,
and it, like,
stings their pee hole,
or they do it dry
and it's just not that good.
So if you bring lube--
and I'm even--
on a first fucking date,
you know when you're
sitting on the couch
watching whatever he put on
that you're pretending to like
so you're a cool girl
and you're like,
"I love this reality show
about Formula 1 driver"--
whatever the fuck it is.
Like, you're just like,
"I'm actually into it."
And then he pulls out his dick
'cause you start kissing
for, like, two seconds,
and you're like,
"God, I don't want to blow him.
It's too soon."
I don't--like, I don't want
to have sex with him.
Just go, "I want
to jerk you off,
but I want to go get my lube."
And I know that's like,
"I'm gonna go get lube
that's in my purse
on a first date?"
Yes.
"Well, he's gonna think
that's so weird."
If he has a boner,
he's not thinking.
He's not storing information
about you or judging you.
He'll just be like, "Okay."
And you just go get your lube
and you put it in your hand,
and he'll just kinda be like,
"What?"
And you don't even have
to do a certain motion
to make him happy.
Just hold out your hand
confidently and be like,
"Just fuck my hand."
You can giggle about it
and be like,
"Some comedian
told me to do this.
Just fuck my hand. Seriously."
And do it, like--
I like to do it--
like, I stand like Beyonc
at the end of, like,
a really high note.
[cheers and applause]
And I don't even do any motion.
I just keep it still
and let them fuck it.
And you can--it's kinda fun
'cause you get to change the
tightness of your hand vagina,
'cause down there,
you are what you are,
but here you can make it like
18-year-old virgin
or like Octomom.
Like, you can do, like--
you get a--
So...
don't have sex with them
in your vagina.
And I know it's tough,
but you can do it.
And finally...
so rule number one.
Let's review.
Number one, look fuckable.
Number two, don't fuck him.
And number three--
and this is where
I had to drop out of the book--
stop talking.
Just shut up.
When you want to say something,
don't say it
and men will like you more.
And the thing is, "Oh, no,
I don't want to stop talking.
"I don't want to be like
a fucking handmaid.
"Like, there's something sad
about that.
Like, I'm gonna just be quiet
the rest of my life?"
No, no, no.
You can go back
to your normal self.
You just have to wait
until he dies
and then you can chat it up
while playing canasta
with your gals.
No.
You just gotta, like,
not talk as much,
and that one
was a harsh reality to face.
But it checked out.
When I read that, I was like,
"God, stop talking.
That makes so much sense."
I've always wondered why,
as a female comic
who's got a little bit
of notoriety,
why I don't have
the same selection of suitors
that male comics seem to get.
You know,
male comics are batting
so fucking far
out of their league.
They do better than musicians,
than actors.
And I mean,
there's evidence of this.
I mean, look at Pete Davidson--
not closely, but, like,
if you--
He's a--
he's a good-looking guy.
No doubt about it.
Would I? Of course.
But is--is he Kate Beckinsale,
Kim Kardashian, Ariana Grande,
Kaia Gerber hot?
He's EGOT'd for women.
No!
He shouldn't be fucking
Kim Kardashian.
Like,
with Pete Davidson's looks,
he should be fucking...me.
Like, I would be a good person.
But that would never happen,
because male comics can get
so far out of their league.
It frustrates me.
Men already get out
of their league
just by being whoever they are.
Every single straight couple
you know,
the woman is definitely hotter
than the man.
It's just the way it is.
Maybe you can think
of one couple
or, like, a couple
that you can think of,
celebrity couples where you go,
"He's actually far
more handsome than she is."
What do you say? You go,
"He's really--
he's so good-looking.
"And she's pretty cool
with the fact that he's gay.
"Like, I love that she just
lets him fuck guys
and they pretend
to be married."
They're like, "Oh, it's sort of
like Timon and Pumbaa."
Like, they think
your husband's gay
if you're less attractive.
But male comics, man,
they fucking kill it.
And female comics
just don't do as well.
And I've always been like,
"Where's the disconnect there?"
And it makes sense.
It's 'cause men don't really--
they're not horny for women
who talk a lot
and who are loud.
And it's based on the caveman
thing again, I think,
because there's something
about a guy onstage just, like,
commanding a crowd.
He has all your attention.
He's controlling
people's emotions
by making them laugh.
And you're just like,
"That's the tribe leader,
and I shall have him.
"He will help my survival.
"He has all the sickest furs
in that tepee of his.
"I'll be protected
during wartime and famine.
He will be mine."
It's, like, hot to you.
But it's not the same
for female stand-ups.
Men aren't, like, horny
for women onstage being like,
"My pussy itches,
so let me tell you about it,
girls."
Like, they--
they're not like, "Yes!"
They're just like...[groans]
"It's fine
that you're saying that.
"Just, like--can you just,
like, quiet down a little bit?
"Your voice is really harsh,
and it, like,
"slices through the night air
in a different way than ours.
"And there's a neighboring
tribe just over the ridge
"that is ready to attack,
and they're gonna come
"murder us at dawn
because you won't shut up
"about your pussy itching.
"So could you please keep it
to hushed tones over the fire?
"Please?
We're gonna die
'cause you have an opinion."
And it's just true.
And then there was
a study that came out
that confirmed all of this.
There was a study that came out
that my friend found.
It was--I think it was
in "The Atlantic"...
Ocean.
It was an "Us Weekly"
that she kinda pulled out
of the surf,
but she--no, it was--
it was, like,
in a rep-utable or repu-table--
I don't know which word 'cause
I don't read those journals--
but, like, it was
in one of the gooder journals,
and what the study said was,
"Why Men Don't Like
Funny Women."
And what they found was
that men and women both say
they look for the same thing
in the opposite sex.
First of all, looks,
second, sense of humor,
which, that should be
a good thing for female comics.
Number two, sense of humor?
But then they dug deeper,
and what they found was that
women define
sense of humor in a man
as a man who makes them laugh,
and men define sense of humor
in a woman
as a woman who laughs
at their jokes.
Yeah.
That's not a funny woman.
It's a smart woman.
That's why
I'll be alone forever.
That's it, though.
Look fuckable.
Don't fuck them.
Talk less.
So I just feel like
in closing, like,
I just want to leave you
with this. Um...
[chuckles]
- Whoo!
[cheers and applause]
- [giggling]
Wait. Do you hear that?
That's blood rushing
to all of your dicks right now.
I can hear--I can hear it.
Thank you guys so much.
I had so much fun.
You've been amazing.
I've been fuckable, hopefully.
Good night, you guys.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
[Metric's "Gimme Sympathy"]
- Sign me up
Got no time
to take a picture
I'll remember someday
All the chances we took
We're so close
To something
better left unknown
[bright tone]