Nikki Glaser: Good Girl (2026) Movie Script
1
Be a good, good, good girl
Good girl
Be a good, good, good girl
Good girl
Be a good, good, good girl
What's up, Saint Louis?!
Thank you so much.
This is such a special night.
Thank you for being here.
Before we begin, I just want you to know
that every single person in here
means so much money to me. I am...
I am cleaning up tonight.
No, this is--
This is such a special night
for you. I am...
No, it's so special to me.
I am so happy to be doing this
in St. Louis, Missouri,
my hometown.
Yep. I actually loved living
in St. Louis so much
because so much of my career is
having to just look perfect.
A-And I just feel like here, I don't...
...have to try, you know?
Whoo!
I can kind of give up, you know?
Like you. It's, um...
I don't get recognized a lot in St. Louis
'cause, uh, this is literally the best
I've ever looked in this town.
I don't usually look this way, so it--
I get excited when it happens.
It actually happened earlier today
at Starbucks.
This girl came up to me,
and she was like, "Are you..."
And I was like, "Yeah."
And she was like, "...aware there's
a Band-Aid in your hair?"
And I was like, "Oh yeah, sorry."
She was like, "Now it's on your Croc."
And so...
The St. Louis stiletto.
But I got gussied up for you tonight.
I got a spray tan for you guys.
Yes. Thank you.
It is the number one way to look
way hotter than you are.
You have to get a spray tan.
You look amazing.
You smell like a menstrual cup.
Now, that's kinda the downside
of the spray tan.
You smell like you've been free-bleeding
into an old boot, but...
...you look good, so it's worth it.
Get your spray tans now,
though, by the way.
I think they're gonna be taken
away from us pretty soon.
Because it is insane
that white people can just paint
their skin a different color,
and then be like, "I'm white."
You know, like, that's
cultural appropriation, I think.
I mean, it's, it's not Blackface,
but it is Guatemalan leg.
Like, it's...
This isn't my leg tone.
You gotta get one.
It's, um, it's really easy.
You just go to a salon,
you ask for the airbrush,
they send you into a back room,
you get totally naked,
and then a teenage girl comes in...
...to learn about the future of her body.
I mean, yeah, I volunteer.
It's helpful.
They have no idea what befalls them
'cause it all be fallin'.
I mean, it's...
Oh, God.
I swear to God, every time I turn around,
I hear a gasp because
I know what she's seeing.
She's seeing the folds of my ass cheeks
just going down my leg.
You can tell how old
a woman is by the folds.
It's like the rings of a tree.
You count, and each fold is a decade.
And she's like, "Okay, she's 40. Huh."
And she sprays you down with this,
like, Agent Orange.
I mean, who even knows what this stuff is?
I'm breathing it in every week.
I'm definitely gonna get some kind of
lung disease from it. I'm sure of it.
There's gonna be some, like,
epidemic in 20 years
called like, Tan Lung.
And it's gonna be ravaging old, hot women.
And...
To be honest, I'm actually
really hoping for Tan Lung because, um,
I'm gonna need the gig.
They're gonna have a class action lawsuit.
And I would love to be
the face of Tan Lung,
'cause my career's going great now,
but it can't last this long.
I know eventually Hollywood
is gonna kick me out
'cause I'm gonna do something horrible,
like, age naturally.
Yeah, that's "Me Too" for women.
That's when they say,
"Time's up, bitch." You know?
No, crow's feet for women,
are the same for men,
as, uh, decades of rape.
I think that's it.
That's where they go, "Get out!
You're a monster!"
So, I gotta take the gig.
That'll be a fun gig,
to be honest with you.
It'll be fun for you, too.
In 20 years, you turn on your TV,
you're like, "Who is that?"
And I'm like...
I'm Nikki Glaser.
You may remember me
from The Roast of Tom Brady.
Just talkin' through my trach.
You know, just...
Tan Lung is no laughing matter.
Like, just...
"Oh, my God! She's still alive?"
That's so fun. Maybe it's me and Snooki?
Like, maybe we can get Snooki
if she's still kicking.
Just us RFK-Jr-ing out.
"Ah!"
That's what he-- He has Tan Lung,
we can all agree.
He's stage two.
It corresponds to the color
he chose, I think.
But it's all toxic.
You know, being a woman
is a health hazard, it really is.
But if it works, it's worth it, you know?
Spray tans, they work.
Shapewear, that's another thing.
Deeply uncomfortable, but it works.
It just, like, sucks you in here
like a blood pressure cuff,
and it snatches your lower intestine
into your asshole.
So, those two get to meet
for the first time.
It gives you that hourglass shape
that men love.
They love when your body looks like
the timer in a game of Boggle.
They love that little hourglass.
That's why it's missing
from all your board games.
Yeah.
Go check under your teenage son's
mattress. That's what he's--
He's fondling it in his room.
That's why you hear him yelling "Yahtzee!"
in the middle of the night. That's it.
Your teenage son is cumming.
The shapewear is intense, 'cause it
sucks you in so hard up here,
but then it's connected
at the bottom, right?
It's like a thong.
And then throughout the night,
it kinda just like weasels its way up,
and just, like, bullying you up the front.
It's crazy.
Do you ever go to the bathroom
after wearing shapewear
and you just lift up your skirt and
it looks like you're cutting clay?
It's just, like, bisecting you up the...
It goes deep, dude.
Oh!
And there's no snaps on it,
so you just gotta pull it to the side.
It's soaked in piss.
Just shooting out
in 18 different directions.
One's a perfect arc, like Calvin.
It's horrible.
You gotta really hook it
up there and pull it down.
And your pussy's like,
And you snap it back up,
it's like,"Ooh, ah!"
I've got cauliflower clit.
I mean, it's beat up, dude.
It's horrible.
But it's worth it.
These things are worth it, you know?
'Cause they make you look hotter.
They make you look fuckable.
And when you look fuckable,
your life is great.
Like, everyone's nicer to you.
You get things.
Being fuckable, there's so many perks.
I think we misunderstand fuckable women.
Like, I think sometimes we see a woman
with big, fake, shiny tits,
and, like, Love Island lips.
And we're like, "Whoa,
she loves to get dicked down."
And it's like, no.
I think the worst part of a fuckable
woman's life is getting fucked.
I think that's the worst three
to six minutes of her month
is when she has to be penetrated
in order to even ask for
the new Range Rover.
I mean, that's what she
has to do to get it.
No, being hot, it rules.
Being ugly? That fucking sucks, dude.
We don't talk about that, right?
We don't talk about ugly people.
'Cause no one's ugly.
Come on.
Like, uh, there's some people,
they're ugly.
It's not a bad thing to say.
People go, "That's so mean."
I'm like, "Is it?"
It just means their face
isn't symmetrical, like it's--
I'm not saying they're a bad person.
It's not their fault.
I mean, it's their parents' fault
for being cousins or something,
but it's not their fault.
I'm sayin' I have sympathy
for ugly people.
I see you.
And I don't want to,
but I see you.
Ugly people are discriminated against.
We don't talk about this, but there have
been scientists that have done a study.
These ugly scientists got together
and they were like,
"Are we getting paid less?"
And it, it turns out that they are.
What they found is ugly people
make 62 cents on the dollar
that attractive people make.
So, what they found is, um,
if you're gross, you don't gross.
And...
...it's sad because ugly people
can't unionize.
There's-- Nothing will change.
What, are they gonna march with signs?
That are like, "We're revolting!"
We're like, "We know."
You know, the thing is, like,
we're all a little bit ugly.
Like, I feel ugly sometimes.
And people go, "No, you're not allowed
to say that, you're beautiful."
And listen, I'm not a dog, but, like,
I have proof I'm a
goofy-looking girl, okay?
I did a roast one time on Comedy Central,
and Blake Griffin got up there
and he made a joke
where he said that
I looked like Larry Bird.
And...
...it wouldn't have hurt unless
I heard the crowd's reaction,
which was as if it was the truest
thing they had ever heard.
I mean...
...it blew the roof off the place.
It, it came in waves as people were
googling it and being like,
"Oh, my God!" Like, it wouldn't stop.
Devastating.
Larry Bird.
If you-- If you don't know
who Larry Bird is,
just picture "Larry Bird," okay?
He looks exactly like his name.
I think his middle name is "the".
I mean, no one has ever looked
so much like their name
since Peter Dinklage. I mean, it's insane.
I was devastated.
I have a hard time having
sympathy for hot women.
I, uh, I get jealous of hot women a lot.
It's probably like the most
disgusting part about me...
...besides my pussy, but that's--
We'll get into that later.
That's a little, uh, foreshadowing
'cause...
'Cause it casts a shadow now.
But it's, um...
Ugh.
Get ready.
Yeah, I don't know. Hot girls, do you
ever feel that way about 'em?
Where you're just like,
"Eh, eh." Like...
Like, the worst it ever comes
out in me, is like,
you know, like, you hear about a woman
that went missing,
and then you're like, "Oh, my God."
And then you see a picture of her
and you're like,
"Bye." Like...
"Ta-ta, honey."
"I'm not looking for you.
I'm not joining the search party."
I'm tearing down posters like
a Columbia student.
Like, I don't want you found.
I just moved up in line, 'cause you're
laying in a creek bed somewhere.
So, I'm sorry about that, but it's...
...sick.
But I do wonder sometimes,
'cause of my thoughts,
I'm like, "Am I a sociopath?"
And then ChatGPT is like,
"No, queen, you're perfect."
And I'm like, "I knew it.
"Thanks, ChatGPT.
You're my best friend."
But I'm still working on it, dude.
Like, I'm gonna get a facelift
in a couple years.
- Whoo!
- And-- Thank you for cheering that on.
Most people are like,
"Don't! Don't do it."
Thank you.
I'm-- I don't know whether to be
insulted by you cheering it on or not,
but I appreciate that.
What I don't want when I get a facelift
is anyone being like,
"That's so sad she did that.
Why did she do that?"
And it-- the answer is,
it's 'cause it's gonna lead
to a better life for me.
I'm on TV a lot.
I'm gonna look amazing.
I'm gonna get better roles.
I'm gonna get paid more for those roles.
I'm gonna get fire emojis
from Kristin Cavallari.
Like, it-- Mm!
Do you know how good it feels
to have Bowen Yang write "Diva,"
with 19 A's underneath a picture of you?
Looks like he just fell asleep
on the keyboard,
'cause I was so slay.
Oh, my God.
And so, I'm gonna get a facelift,
and I just, I don't like how we shame
women who invest in their looks.
You know, we find out a girl
get a facelift and we're like,
"That's really sad. "That's really sad
that you just can't accept the face
you were born with."
And first of all, this isn't
the face I was born with. Okay?
I was born with a baby's head.
I don't have a baby's head
on a woman's body.
A reverse Ariana.
I don't have that, you know?
I can improve it.
You know? And, and, and it's not sad.
It's so sad
you can't accept the face you have.
And it's like, why is that sad?
But then when women spend, you know,
hundreds of thousands of dollars
on, like, a sociology degree,
no one's like,
"That's really sad
"you can't accept your dumb brain
for what it is.
"Why do you have to change it?
"That's a really bad example for your
daughter and her dumb brain.
How is she supposed to feel...
about that?"
But it's gonna look good.
My facelift is gonna be so good.
I'm gonna spend the right amount of money.
I'm gonna go to the right doctor.
Whoever Kris Jenner went to,
I'm gonna find him.
We know.
You go to the right guy, and it's amazing.
Face work is so good now,
'cause people are like,
"What if they ruin your face?"
I'm like, "It doesn't happen anymore."
You know, shout out to the ladies
of the '80s and '90s
who underwent cosmetic procedures
and sacrificed your faces
so that we could have...
...amazing, snatched jawlines.
Thank you so much
for your service. Thank you.
Oh, my God.
When I see a woman with just like
a very obvious--
Like, she just walked into
a haunted house kind of face, like...
I'm like, "Thank you honey.
"I feel like you should board planes
before veterans.
"Like, I truly...
"You sacrificed so much.
"Your face looked like
it stepped on an IED.
"Like, it's...
You're the real wounded warriors."
There are certain things I think
that we do for beauty
that I'm, like, kind of giving up on
because I'm not getting
the return on them.
I think nails are a waste
of our time and energy.
I have a boyfriend of 15 years.
He's never once noticed that
I've gotten my nails done, ever.
And they go up his asshole.
So if he's not clocking it, who cares?
Whoo!
I'm like, "Babe, I got 'em bedazzled
for your pleasure.
"Like, there's rhinestones on it.
Is that not...?
No?"
But I'm sick of getting my nails done.
You have to just sit there
every two weeks for two hours.
You can't be on your phone.
You can't do anything.
This is why we make less money
than men, I think.
It's like these crucial hours during
the day when you could be working.
Those hours?
Men are on their phones,
they're doing deals,
cheating on you. You're just...
...looking around the salon,
like, bored out of your mind.
The best entertainment they have
is Beat Bobby Flay on mute.
You're like...
..."Is that ricotta or Greek yogurt?
Oh, I'll never know."
It's not fun.
I think men think that women like
to go to nail salons, like, together,
and it's like a girls' day, and we just
chit-chat the whole time.
It's not like that.
Like, you can go to the nail salon
with a friend,
but you get separated
at the border, immediately.
They do not let you sit together.
They put you in the manicure station,
her in the pedicure station.
You're just like, blinking Morse code
at each other,
like, "Are you okay?"
You look over at her.
She's doing the worm in the massage chair.
Trying to talk herself out
of an $80 upcharge
to remove her calluses that
she needs to walk, like...
It's not fun.
God, it's so isolating.
So boring. You can't talk
to the woman doing your nails,
'cause... slavery.
I mean, I don't know. I don't know!
She seems sad and stuck.
Is it just me?
I look at her name tag. I'm like,
"Her name's not Rebecca O'Malley."
Like, this...
"Something's being covered up here."
And then at the end, you go to Venmo them
and you see their real name,
it looks like a license plate.
And you're like, "Okay, well, this is,
this is the truth."
I don't know that they're slaves.
This is just...
This is all based on this article I read
in The New York Times,
like ten years ago,
about New York City nail salons.
And I was living in New York at the time.
So, I was like, "What's going on?"
And it turns out they're, like,
all indentured servants.
These women have miserable lives.
It was really heartbreaking. It was--
It was the kind of thing you
read where you're like,
"Well, I can't support that anymore."
And I was really proud of myself,
'cause I, immediately,
I stopped going
for two weeks, 'cause that's when
my gels started peeling
and I was like, "What do I do?"
And then you go back. But-- But you--
If you wait two weeks, that's fine.
That's long enough.
You wait two weeks and then
you can convince yourself,
like... "They fixed it."
Like, someone got in there,
shook things up.
Things are good.
And now, I go back in,
I'm just a little bit nicer.
You know, I walk in kind of like,
"Hi, slaves."
Like, I don't say it, but I like...
...try to communicate it by
furrowing my brow like, "Slaves."
Then you sit down,
and you have to just stick your hands
in little different bowls of cancer.
I mean, this is so toxic.
This is a solvent meant
to dissolve plastic,
and you're just resting
your fingers in it.
How can this be good?
I don't even know what it is.
I try to read the label.
There's just like a picture of a
baby's head with an X through it,
and I'm like...
"I guess babies shouldn't drink it?
"That's probably what that means.
"I need a new form of birth control
anyway, so this is good.
This is really, really good."
And you just wait there. Sometimes
they make you soak for so long,
'cause they go and they work
on another client,
or they give a handjob in the back,
you know, just their sidework
they're getting done.
And you're like, "Okay, I think I'm good
'cause it's like starting to hit bone."
And so, you're like...
"I'm just gonna scoop
my soggy phalanges out."
And that's always when they see you.
Don't ever do anything
for yourself in a nail salon.
You wait to be told.
'Cause the second you do,
they go, "No, no, no, back in!"
And they slap your hand.
And I'm like, "Oh, my God, so sorry."
Instantly back in.
You're the slave now.
Like, just take it.
It's like, "So sorry."
She takes out that Dremel drill
to get the plastic off.
She goes hard on that.
Just locked-eyed with you.
There's like shrapnel hitting you
in the face and like...
...just a microplastic dust cloud
that you're just breathing in.
You, like, see it going in.
Ugh!
It's horrible for you.
She's not breathing it in,
'cause they wear masks, right?
That's why they wear masks.
I didn't realize that.
I just figured out recently
that they wear masks in nail salons
because it's like toxic chemicals.
I don't know what I thought was going on
with the masks before then.
Like...
...I think my white brain
was just like, "Asian.
"Like, they love masks.
"That's their heritage.
It's their culture.
"You know, she was a surgeon
in the village she came from before...
"...before she was zip-tied in a shipping
container and landed on our shores.
So, it reminds her of home. It's sweet."
No. It's toxic.
So, um, I think I'm obsessed with this
because it's just been
brought to my attention
that there are women, like,
in the States being trafficked.
Because every time you go into a
women's restroom in a public place,
there is a poster on the back of the stall
asking you if you're being trafficked.
We have these, right, ladies?
Do you know what I'm talking about?
Yes. They're in every world language.
Um, I always look for English,
and it just is very small at the bottom.
And it says, "You wish," but...
...it's, it's not really for us.
But, men don't have these
posters in their stalls.
That's what I've learned.
I guess you guys have
posters that are like,
"Hey, need a slave?
Text 'traffic' to 69-69."
Is that what you have?
No.
No, you have signs for more pressing
issues in your bathrooms.
Like, washing your hands.
You know, as soon as we--
As soon as we beat that,
we'll get to the slaves.
It's just...
But being, uh-- Being, like, trafficked
is a real fear for young girls now.
I-I have a lot of Gen Z friends
who are like,
"I'm scared to go out alone.
Like, what if I get trafficked?"
And I'm like, "Wow,
that was not a fear for me in my 20s."
I'm 41, and when I was in my 20s,
we just feared, like,
good old-fashioned rape,
you know, like, we didn't...
I didn't think it would be a career.
You know, I didn't think...
I just thought it was a temp position
in that parking garage.
I didn't think it would last forever.
But they're really scared.
It's rubbed off on me.
Sometimes when I'm with them, I'm like,
"Yeah, I'm scared we're
gonna get trafficked."
And they're like, "You're fine.
"Like...
...you've aged out of getting trafficked."
You just try to do your part.
You know, do your best.
There's so many things in the world
that need your attention,
but do what you can.
I'm, uh, I'm vegan, so I know
I'm better than you.
And, um...
Thank you. Thank you so much.
I became vegan like, ten years ago,
'cause I saw factory farm footage,
and I was just so disturbed by what I saw
that I, I just couldn't eat
animals after that.
And it doesn't work for everything,
'cause I'm now trying
to take a break from porn
because it's gotten too dark.
I mean, the porn I watch looks like
factory farm footage,
and so...
...it's weird that I can't stop
watching it. It's--
Why is it that when I see it
happen to animals, I cry,
but when I see it happen to women,
I cum harder
than I ever have in my life?
I can't--
These are not cage-free whores.
They're literally caged, sometimes. It's--
I watch a lot of porn.
I-I mean, I probably watch as much as
the average 41-year-old plumber.
I think that's probably...
But that's what happens with porn.
It's a drug. You get desensitized
to the thing you're watching,
and you need something weirder,
something just crazier to get you off.
You know, 'cause it'll start off sweet.
Like, I'm like, "Oh, girl on girl."
And then it's like, "Oh, you know what?
This isn't really hitting.
"Like, maybe I need, like,
a stepmom stuck in a dryer.
"You know, like...
"...that's my new thing.
That's good. That's where it'll stop.
That's all I need."
And then after a while,
that's fucking nothing.
You're just like, "Nothing?
I need something else?"
And then it ends up you need to watch
like a MILF getting fisted
in a Target bathroom on, like,
a Koala changing table.
That's where I'm at.
You know the Koala changing table?
Men have those in their bathrooms, right?
'Cause that-- You need them in case
a MILF needs to get fisted.
Is that what-- That's what they're for
in a men's room, right?
That's where I'm at.
I like fisting porn now.
I just-- I can't believe it either.
It's disgusting.
I never thought I'd be here.
I, I, I remember the first time fisting
was even suggested to me by porn.
'Cause porn will, like,
monitor your habits,
and they're like, "Hey, you know,
"based on all the gangbangs
you've been watching,
"um...
"...we don't have any more.
So, maybe a fisting compilation."
I was like, "What the fuck?"
I was offended, I was like,
"Get this off my screen. Gross!"
And they were like,
"We'll see you in a month."
And they were right.
I love it.
I'm in my fisting era. I love it.
'Cause I like seeing women
doing feats of athleticism
that are just out of this world,
and fisting is insane.
To have a whole man's
fist and arm go in your pussy,
that's incredible.
I'm, like, blown away at these women,
'cause it seems impossible.
That's what I like about it.
It seems impossible,
but you know it's not.
A-- A baby's head is supposed
to come out of there, so it can fit.
But, like, how?
It's kinda like...
You know what it's like?
It's like, um, when you try
to put a sleeping bag
back into the bag it came in.
Like, that's...
Where you're like,
"We know it was there once.
It has to go. But how?"
That's what I like.
I love it.
And I love-- I love the dynamic
between the fister and the fist-ee.
Like, I like...
I like when the guy is, like,
kind of gruff and mean.
He's like, "Take it, you fucking whore."
Like, I like when he's like, mean.
There's something about that.
I want that guy to be so mean.
But he, like, believes in her.
Like, I love that.
It's sweet.
I love that, like, Russian gymnastics
coach energy, you know, like,
"You can do it, Carrie!"
And like...
...I like that.
And then the best part is
when he does get it in,
and then he gets it in,
and then he goes, "Good girl."
And that's like, "Oh! Yahtzee!"
Like, that...
Close the laptop. I'm good to go.
Like, "Good girl," every girl loves it.
Every girl is horny
to be told, "Good girl."
And it's-- I rarely generalize,
but I have yet to meet a woman
or a gay man-- bottom--
who doesn't love to be called,
"Good girl."
We all love it.
Please say it.
I'm telling you, we all like it.
And I know that there are men that are
scared to say it, because you're like,
"It sounds like I'm her dad,"
but it's like,
exactly.
Okay, just do it.
Be my dad, you know?
It is it.
We want to be good girls.
And it frees us of the shame that
sex brings upon us, you know?
We live in a really puritanical
Christian society,
and we absorb all the shame of, like,
"Oh, if I enjoy sex,
"if I like cumming, there's something
wrong with me.
"I'm a bad girl and I might not
get into heaven.
Jesus might be mad 'cause I'm a whore."
Right?
We kind of feel sad about it.
But not if a guy says, "Good girl,"
after you do something whorish.
Frees you of it.
'Cause after he says, "Good girl,"
you're like, "I'm not a whore.
"I'm just an A student.
You know? That was just the assignment."
You're like, I could roll up on the pearly
gates with a pearly face and be like,
"Listen, I didn't want this.
You think I like this?
"You think I like this?
"No, I was heeding the man.
"Jebediah anointed me with his seed.
"I had nothing to do with this.
"He did it in a cross.
You've heard of Ash Wednesday?
"Well, he told me it was Splooge Tuesday.
"Is that not a thing?
"Have I been tricked?
Okay, which way is Hell? Okay."
Hmm.
Cum on the face is kinda crazy. I mean...
...let's talk about it for a second.
I've--
I've done it like a handful of times
this week, but it's not--
It's not an everyday thing.
I think it's a nice thing to, to offer
a guy that you really love.
I'm talking about like your husband.
Someone you really love.
He's seen it, girls. He's jerked off
to women getting cum on their face.
And I know it was before he met you
tonight to come to the show.
But, it's...
...it's in his past. He's seen it.
But he wouldn't dream of asking you
to cum on your face.
You know, you have to ask.
You have to be like, "Cum on my face."
And he'll be like, "What?"
"Matthew Templeton-Green, cum on my face."
You gotta get mommy about it.
They like that, too.
And this is something he's
only seen on a screen.
So, when he gets to do it,
he's gonna be like,
"The movies are real!"
"Whoa!" Like, the wonder.
It's like he's going to Universal Studios
for the first time.
He's like, "Whoa!"
You can give a Make-A-Wish
to a middle-aged man.
How cool is that?
But you-- But you, you have to ask
'cause he's not gonna ask.
He wants it. But your sweet husband?
He's not gonna ask.
He's not gonna be like,
"I'm gonna cum on your fuckin' face."
Like, that's...
You didn't marry a Persian club promoter.
Like, you're not...
Your husband isn't Dean Cain.
So, he's not gonna ask.
Your sweet husband who has
to ask your permission
to eat a second cupcake,
isn't gonna be like,
"Part your bangs, Bridget!"
Like...
Like, no, he's a nice guy.
You gotta ask.
Ladies, can you imagine in bed
if your husband asked you
if you wanted something that you
would have always wanted,
but, like, were too afraid to ask?
It would be like the same thing
as if your husband was like,
"Hey, tonight, do you want me
to go downstairs
"and do the dishes
while this Black guy
comes in to fuck you?"
You'd be like...
"The movies are real!"
Same thing.
And listen, I know-- I know
cum in the face is a little degrading,
but it's a gift you can give that's free.
All it costs is a little dignity.
And it's like, who cares?
It-- It's-- It's kind of fun.
It looks like you just won
a Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Award.
That, that's like...
...kind of like,
"You got slimed, who cares?"
It's fun.
Just don't get it in your eye.
That's the only thing
that I would recommend.
Don't get it in your eye.
I got it in my eye one time.
I, I didn't mean to, but he did, and--
And so...
...it got in my eye, and I,
I wasn't worried at first,
'cause I was like, you know, it's not
gonna be soothing by any means,
but I thought, "Oh, it'll sting
like shampoo or something,"
but it stung like Sriracha.
Like, I don't know what the
Scoville rating on semen is,
but we gotta get this stuff on Hot Ones.
I mean, it was acidic.
It was searing my eyehole.
I was screaming. I was like...
Like, it felt like an acid attack.
I was like, "Am I a woman in Sudan
with an opinion?
"Like, what the fuck?
I promise I won't drive!"
I was like, writhing in agony.
I'm like, "Does it burn coming out?"
Is that-- Is that why you guys
sound like that when you're like...
Like, is it--
Is it searing your dick hole?
What's happening? 'Cause...
...that honestly would make sense
why you look and sound like that.
It was horrible.
I was freaking out.
I, um, and I knew it was infecting, like,
I felt an eye infection come on.
I've had a lot of eye infections.
I've-- I've had pink eye a lot
'cause I love Skee-Ball.
And so I was like, "I know what this is.
I gotta get the drops, you know?"
'Cause I had to be on TV
the next day and I was like,
"I can't do The View with cum in my eye.
Who am I, Joy Behar?" You know?
So, I had to go to urgent care,
and I, I, I drive over there
and I'm, like, so nervous
to tell the doctor,
like what happened.
But I gotta tell him the truth.
So, I'm trying to dress it up
in, like, doctor talk.
And so, I'm like,
"Um, so, during coitus, my...
"...paramour, um,
"accidentally ejaculated seminal fluid
into my ocular cum hole.
"I mean...
...I mean my eye."
I could have said "eye."
He didn't care.
Doctors don't care. They've heard it all.
He was immediately, like,
just jotting down my prescription.
And he diagnosed me as a "good girl."
And I was like, "What?"
"What'd you say?
Really?"
I was like, "You can get
the other eye if you want.
"I got the drops. We might as well.
I can treat it."
Oh, guys, I'm 41.
I don't have kids.
Yeah.
I'm 41. No kids.
Uh, I don't want kids.
Um, being a mom, I look at it
and I'm like,
"Oh, that is so much work."
And that's why I would be a dad,
like tonight.
Like, I...
I don't...
Be a dad.
Absolutely, be a dad.
First of all, if you're a dad, and--
and let's say you don't like it,
you can leave.
Like, you can just be like,
"This isn't for me, I'm not ready."
And you can split.
We don't love it, you know?
But it's precedented. It's not insane.
You know, the deadbeat dad, that's--
That's an American archetype.
You know, the deadbeat dad?
I think it's the Florida State bird.
I think he's getting it changed.
Has it happened yet?
Moms can't leave. You know?
It's a full-time job to be a mom.
And, and to be a dad, it's like a paid
internship at your uncle's company.
I mean, it's just...
It's not-- It's not nothing to be a dad,
but it's close. I mean, it's so close...
...to nothing.
It is. I'm not mad about it.
I'm just jealous.
I just want to be a dad.
'Cause if you do stick around
and you're a good dad,
we, like, lose our minds
at anything you do.
Because the bar is so low.
You get so much credit.
There's, like, a whole TikTok
subgenre of dads
doing their daughters' hair
for the first time,
'cause their wife is hanging herself
in the basement or something.
You know, like it's...
She finally found a way out.
But...
...we love these videos, right?
Of dads like, just being like,
"I don't know what I'm doing."
And he's like using a vacuum cleaner
to suck up her ponytail,
and like, a bread tie to tie it off.
He's like putting a chip clip on top.
Like, "Is this good?"
We're like, "No, it looks like shit,
but we love it."
We're like, "It's so funny! Hehe!"
Like. Like. Like. Like. Like.
Share. Share. Share.
It has millions of views.
It goes viral.
The guy's on Good Morning America
the next Monday to talk about it.
They're like, "Today on our show,
we're dedicating our Mother's Day episode
"to a different kind of mom...
...a dad."
What? Oh, we love it.
And he's being interviewed
and they're like,
"John, now tell us what compelled you
"to do the bare minimum?
"Like, walk us through what was
going through your head
"when you decided to spend time
with your girl child?
That's crazy."
We can't believe it.
Can you imagine if someone sent you a
TikTok of a mom doing her daughter's hair?
You'd be like, "What the fuck is this?
Why am I watching this?"
You'd be like, "Is there gonna be like,
a home invasion or something?
"Like, where's the payoff? What's...?
"Oh, does the ceiling fan fall off
and chop off both their heads?
"'Cause...
...what's the point?"
No, we don't-- [laughing] We don't care.
Moms could be doing
their daughters' hair perfectly,
and we would still scrutinize.
The comments would be awful.
They'd be like...
You're pulling too hard!
She's a girl, not a horse!
I hope your uterus falls out!
Why haven't you said anything
about Palestine?!
We need to know where you stand!
Jesus Christ.
It's too hard.
It's too stressful to be a mom.
I'm too stressed to be an aunt,
I really am.
I was staying with my sister, uh,
not too long ago at her house,
and at one point I was like,
"I'm gonna go take a shower."
And my nephew comes running
in the room and he's like...
I'm wanna take a shower with you.
I wanna take a shower with you.
He's 18. I was like,
"What is going on with his voice?
Why is no one talking about this?"
He's frozen in time.
What's happening?
No. [chuckles] He was four, and, um...
And it was cute, you know, he wanted
to hang out with me in the shower,
but I guess it's not weird.
My sister was like, "Oh, it's fine.
We do it. He goes in with us,
you can go in."
And I was like,
"I don't think that's a good idea.
"I just don't...
I don't think you should do that."
And she was like, "It's fine."
And I go, "Well, maybe if you like,
come in and watch us?
I think that's maybe better."
She was like, "Why?"
And I'm like,
"'Cause what if I molest him?
"I mean, I just feel like...
Do you know I won't, you know?"
She was like, "I thought I did."
And I'm like, "Good. You don't know.
You don't know."
She doesn't.
But she asked. She was like, "Would you?"
And I was like, "No! What the fuck? Ew!
"I would never!
But that's what I'd say if I was gonna."
You know? Like, I'd lie.
Pedophiles lie.
They're not undercover cops.
They don't gotta tell you what
they're about, you know?
You can't trust anyone.
I mean, and I know I'm an aunt,
but aunts are just female uncles, dude.
Like, come on.
Open your eyes.
And I know that I won't if I think
about it. It's like, "Blech."
But, like, what if it's something
you don't know that you are
until you get in there
and then you're like,
"Oh, this is my thing."
You know? Like, what if it opens up
a part of my brain that's dormant?
No one chooses to be a pedophile.
It just lands there.
I can't-- You don't--
Don't mess with that. You know?
People think this is crazy, but I'm like,
"How many times in my life have I looked
at something and been like,
'That is disgusting.
I would never do that.'"
And now I'm like,
"Pickleball is kind of fun, actually."
So, like, I...
I don't trust my brain.
Just don't get, like, male babysitters.
I can't even understand why people
get male babysitters.
It's--
If you got one tonight,
I'm sure it's fine.
But, like, what are you doing?
Oh, boy, you're playing with fire,
I'm just saying.
I'm sure you got a good one.
And I'm sure you have cameras.
And if you don't, he does.
But what I'm saying is, don't...
I'm not saying all male babysitters
are pedophiles.
That's not what I'm saying.
I'm just saying if I was a pedophile,
I know what line of work
I would look into.
I mean, they follow
their dreams, you know?
It's the easiest way in, too.
They don't have to join the
Catholic priesthood
and LARP their way through that bullshit.
That's an in.
But it's a lot of work, you know?
They don't have to befriend
a billionaire with an island.
And, like, you don't have to sit next
to Bill Gates on a private plane.
You don't have to help
Stephen Hawking up a ramp.
I mean, that's like a lot of stuff...
...to get to what you want.
But male babysitter,
you just got to be like,
"I'm free Thursday."
It's like your TSA PreCheck.
You're right in.
So, don't get 'em.
And, uh-- And if you did get one tonight,
uh, these are just jokes.
You don't need to leave the show early
to relieve him.
Your toddler already did,
but that's the worst--
Listen,
I know.
It's the worst joke I've ever told.
It's the worst thing I've ever thought.
You think I want to think that?
What the fuck?
But...
back to Arlo wanting
to take a shower with me.
It's...
I think I just didn't want him
to see my vagina,
'cause I remember when he asked,
my first thought was like,
"What does my vagina look like?"
Like, that's...
And that's a weird thought,
'cause that means, like--
I'm not trying to say there's
an ideal version of it for him,
like, "Arlo, check it out.
Like, I shaved PAW Patrol into it."
Like, that's...
It's not like it's ever good enough
for him to see.
But this day,
I thought it would just be
too jarring for him.
I had grown out all the hair.
He would have seen it and
thought it was Shel Silverstein
on the back of The Giving Tree.
You know, it would just...
And believe me, it was giving tree top.
And so, it was like,
I just didn't want to ambush him
with my aunt bush.
I mean, it's like...
'Cause he's four, right?
And four is the age where you
have your first memory.
And I feel like he would have
looked at my giant bush,
and then his consciousness
would have been like,
"And, we're live. Start recording."
It's just like...
I can't do that to him.
'Cause that happened to me. It did.
I saw my aunt's vagina
at a really young age
before I was ready.
Not that I'd ever be ready, but...
And I remember it so well.
It's one of my most vivid memories.
We were on a speedboat in Lake Michigan.
My aunt was driving.
Okay, one hand on the wheel,
cigarette in mouth,
and she used her free hand to,
right in front of my face,
put a tampon in.
Just slipped it to the side,
loaded a tampon in.
It happened so fast.
She was like John Wick.
It was like...
Like loading a gun.
It was like John Wick,
but with more blood.
I mean, I was like, "What am I seeing?"
I had no clue what I was watching.
I mean, she was putting this
big cardboard thing--
You know, one of those
old Tampax '80s ones?
Looked like a paper towel roll.
You know, like it was--
It squeaked when it went in.
She took the remnants,
threw 'em behind her.
They hit my cousin in the head,
as he's, he's tubing.
He's like, "What the...?"
He got tubed while tubing.
I learned so much.
I didn't even know what I learned.
I just learned there's storage up there.
And I was like, "Ah...
...a place for my POGs. Fuck, yeah. Okay."
But it's really the only thing
I remember from that trip.
And, um, my cousin
drowned that day, so it's...
Don't remember how. I-- Yeah.
So, um, I'm gonna take off
my jacket 'cause, um...
Thank you.
Yeah.
This is the part of the show
where I get into
horrifying detail about the state
of my vagina.
And...
...so, just 'cause I'm giving you
graphic imagery
about what's going on down there,
I just want to remind you that
I have amazing tits.
So, that's why this is off.
Focus on these for what
you're about to hear.
Here, Dad, take this.
It's my dad.
He's shrouding himself in it.
Good boy.
So, let's talk about it.
So, my pussy is now 41
inches long
and it's starting...
...to fall down the sides.
Each outer lip is like getting
a little Salvador Dali-esque,
like the melting clocks.
It's not good.
And I want you to know it's gonna happen
to all of you young ladies.
I know you don't think this.
I remember being you of, like, "Not me."
'Cause maybe you're one of these girls
that just has, like, two lips in a line,
little Dua Lipa. Mm.
Fuck you. Fuck you,
if you have two lips in a line.
Oh!
I've always wanted two lips in a line.
I've never been able to get it.
I have to like stuff everything in.
Like, I can get it, but I stuff it all in.
And then I have to put some
lash glue on the sides,
and then I have to squeeze it together.
I sing "Happy Birthday"...
...and then I can let it go.
And it's like, "Yeah!"
It doesn't look the same as yours.
It looks like Louis Armstrong
playing the trumpet.
You know, it's like...
It's just drooping.
It's like falling down.
I'm starting to grow out my bush
just to give it like a chiseled jawline.
You know, like fat men do with beards?
Just cover it up.
'Cause it falls.
No one ever told me it would fall.
Does it fall off eventually?
Do I shed it like an exoskeleton?
I don't need it anymore.
It just, it's changed for me.
I used to worry about camel toe.
Now I'm worried about basset hound head.
So, it's like...
Have you ever just looked
at your aging genitals
after not seeing them for a while
and just thought to yourself,
"Oh, I guess I can't leave my husband."
You know? "I can't take this out
on the marketplace.
"I'll stay with him. He doesn't care.
He's grandfathered in. You know, I..."
There comes a point in your life
where your pussy looks so bedraggled
that you're like, "I can't go through
another vaginal reveal with someone."
You know?
You know what I mean?
That tense moment where a guy
touches your pussy for the first time
and you, like, hold your breath
like...
Like you're about to hear
the winner of American Idol.
Like, you're just like,
"What's the verdict?"
And then he has to, like,
sort through your labia
that you've kind of, like,
crammed into the middle.
It's like, clumped together,
like day-old Thai food, you know?
Just like congealed Pad See Ew.
Yeah, Pad See Ew.
He pads it, he sees it.
He's like, "Ew!" You know? It's...
My whole life has been insecurities
about my vagina.
They change all the time.
You know, I think when you first
start out as a young woman,
you're hooking up with guys,
you're so scared that they're gonna
make fun of your pussy.
'Cause you hear,
"Oh, smell is a bad thing."
So, you worry,
but you don't really know
what it's supposed to smell like.
I, I still do the smell test
before I hook up.
I'll just, like...
I'm like, "Ugh!"
"Perfect, okay."
'Cause...
it should smell bad.
It's a wet pocket, three inches
from my asshole.
Like, it's...
It shouldn't smell good.
Wet pocket
Um...
So, you worry about smell.
You worry about tightness.
'Cause you hear jokes that guys make.
Funny jokes. They're like,
"Oh, this girl was so loose,
it was like throwing a hot dog
down a hallway."
You've heard that, right?
When I heard that, I'm like,
"That sounds quite fun, actually."
Just to, like, toss a hot dog
down a hallway
and watch it, like, flap around,
like, that's fun.
And also, that kinda sounds like
a hot dog problem to me.
Like that's...
Is that on us?
Yeah.
I don't think you can throw a
redwood tree down a hallway,
is all I'm saying. It's all I'm saying.
Knock on wood.
But it's funny
'cause whenever you complain
about these like vaginal insecurities,
there's like always an older woman
that overhears you
and she's always like,
"Ah, they don't care
as long as it's warm and wet."
And you're like,
"Thanks, Obi-Wine Kenobi. I didn't ask."
I don't even have wet anymore.
I can't be like,
"Well, at least it's wet."
I'm 41. I don't get wet.
The best I get is... tacky?
Like, it's like...
Like an old man's mouth.
It like... Mm.
It smacks.
I literally hear it smack when I
open my legs sometimes.
It's humiliating.
Never wet. Ever.
Not, never. I get, like,
little spurts of it.
Probably like two a month.
I get a little...
Just out of nowhere.
Just...
It's not connected to me being
turned on, I don't think.
'Cause the last time it happened,
I was at Starbucks
and they were like,
"We're out of oat milk."
And I'm like...
Like, right, right on it.
I was like...
"Why that?
He wasn't even mean about it.
Like, why am I horny?"
He's like, "We have coconut milk."
I'm like, "I do, too, actually.
I just brewed my own."
I think my biggest insecurity
about my vagina my whole life,
has been the inner lips,
the labia minora.
My minora are majora.
Yeah, like, they're...
...hanging out.
And I really didn't know this was a thing.
I was 19 when I figured out that
this might be a problem.
I was a virgin. No one had
ever seen my vagina.
I figured, "Oh, I have the same vagina
as everyone else."
And then one night I was listening
to a Dane Cook album,
one of my favorite comedians,
and he had a great joke
about going down on a girl
with too many lips.
"Oh, too many lips."
And I was like, "What's this?"
And he described it like, uh,
he said at one point,
it was like getting lost in the
stage curtains of his high school.
He was like, rolling around in them.
It was hilarious.
But I was like, "What's he talking about?"
And I looked down at mine
and there was a production of Brigadoon
going on down there.
I'm like...
"Dane Cook wouldn't fuck me!"
And I was like, "Oh my God,
I cannot have this kind of vagina."
I was like, "I have to do
something about it."
So, I was like, researching into,
um, labiaplasty.
I was broke, but I was saving up
money for the surgery
where they take off your labia,
and they donate it to Lobes of Love
for kids who have been afflicted
with childhood earlobe cancer.
It's a beautiful organization.
But...
But it was a race against time, right?
So I'm 19,
and I desperately want to hook up.
But I can't because I, I just imagine
that if any guy even fingers me,
he'd be like, "What is this?"
And he'd be like...
And, like, puke on me
and leave me in the woods.
And he wouldn't be able
to untangle his hand,
and he'd have to 127 hours hisself out.
And...
I just had this whole story.
So, I was like, "I have to fix it."
And then, I went to this party in college
with a bunch of my friends,
and it was crazy because this guy
I had liked all of college,
he finally broke up with his girlfriend,
and my friends were like,
"He wants to be with you
and you're gonna hook up finally!"
But I, I didn't want to tell them
'cause I didn't tell anyone.
Like, it's ironic I'm talking about it
into a microphone now,
because at the time, this pussy stuff,
like, I kept it inside.
Not it, but like, the idea of it...
...was in my heart.
I hadn't told anyone.
But then my friends were like,
"You're gonna hook up with him!"
And I was like, "I can't."
And they were like,
"What do you mean?" I was like,
"[sniffling] My pussy is...
my pussy is wack." And, um--
And I said "wack" because this was 2005
and we said that then, okay?
I was like,
"My pussy looks like it's saying,
'Wuzzup!'" You know, like...
1-
- ...they got it.
This was 2005.
I'm wearing juicy sweatpants.
Not the brand. They just were.
But, um...
But they were like, "What are you
talking about, Nikki?
Wha-- We've never heard of this."
And I was like,
"Well, like, you know how most of the time
"it's just like two lips in a line,
while like in that line,
"there's like a...
"it looks like there's like a baby octopus
"coming out to, like, forage
for food for the first time,
you know, like on a nature documentary
where it's like coming out?"
And they were like, "I think so?"
And they go, "I, I think
ours are like that."
And I was like, "What?
Show me. Show me now!"
And they were like, "Okay."
'Cause they're good friends.
And so, they were like,
"Let's go in the bathroom."
Five of us went into this bathroom
at this party.
And, and everyone was like,
"What are you guys doing?"
And we were like, "Coke."
And so, we went in...
...and pulled out our pussies.
It was so helpful to me.
This day changed my life, truly.
'Cause my first two friends that
showed me their vaginas,
they looked exactly like mine.
And I was like, "Oh my God,
we are like three Steven Tyler's singing."
Like, just lips and scarves.
I was like, "Yes! My lips sis's."
I was so happy.
And then my friend Kirsten was next.
And she's the girl that like ha--
is like perfect all the time
but tries to fit in with your, like,
friends who aren't, you know?
You know this friend? Like,
she pulled down her underwear.
She was like, "Is this bad?"
And it was just the most perfect
little dime slot pussy, ever.
I was like, "You come in here with
your little Uncrustable pussy?
"You can't do that.
"We're standing here with our lamb gyros
"that look like they fell on the sidewalk.
That's not okay. Turn around."
- Whoo!
- So mad.
But then the next girl took
down her underwear.
And that was the best part.
Now, this was my fifth friend.
This is the thing, girls.
If you have any lip shame,
you need to do this.
You need to see normal vaginas.
So, this is what you gotta do.
You gotta get five friends.
Five is the key number.
You can do four. You can do four.
But four is risky, 'cause four...
...you might be the dangler.
And you don't wanna be the dangler.
You don't wanna be the worst.
You just need one girl who's
worse than you
and you are good to go.
And that was my friend, Holla.
My friend Holla,
she pulled down her--
She didn't pull it down,
she just, you know, pulled her
underwear to the side
and it fell out like...
It was like she had a
message for the king.
It like, unfurled.
And we were like, "Whoa!"
It was like...
We were like, "Did you hear a horn?"
We're like, "Do we salute?
Or like Buckingham's Palace?
"Or like...
I want to do the right protocol."
We were horrified.
We weren't even good friends about it.
Like a good friend, when you see
something horrifying with your friend,
you go, "Oh, it's not that bad.
It's fine," you know?
But we were like, "What the fuck?!
You don't deserve love."
Like...
She's like, "Is it bad? Is this bad?"
We're like, "Dude, how do you ride a bike?
Like, it looks like you're making pasta."
She didn't care. Oh, my God.
She was instantly like, making jokes
about it. She was like,
"Seriously guys, it's so long.
It's crazy."
She was like, "If I stretch it out,
it can like touch the ground."
We were like, "Should it?
You're gonna get athlete's labe,
like, pick it up."
She was so cool about it.
She was like, "Guys,
I'm going back to the party."
And she was like, over her shoulder,
Continental soldier,
like, "Bye, guys."
You're like...
Just pussy's agape, like...
How do you have that much confidence?
Did your mom hug you?
Did you go to Montessori?
Why do you like yourself?
But it was just this beautiful moment
where she had taken this pussy that
looked like it had sat on a grenade,
and she...
...she wore it like a vag of honor.
You know, she...
She made it funny.
She was just, like, silly about it.
And it, it just, it--
It made me realize that
I shouldn't care about this stuff either.
Like, I always think about Holla's labia
whenever I'm feeling insecure
or I'm at a car wash
and the wet flaps are like
hitting the windshield,
I'm like...
"I shouldn't care either."
And things turned out
great for her, really.
I mean, we're still best friends
until she sees this on a special.
But she, uh...
No, she really, she turned out great.
She married, like, the hottest guy
from our high school.
Um, he's blind and has no hands, but...
But she has a great life.
We all just reunited recently
at, uh, Holla's wedding.
It was so fun. I got to hold her labia
in the ceremony.
It was so beautiful.
We stretched it out.
I missed the ceremony,
'cause I was in the street,
but, like, we just wanted
to get the full...
...breadth of it.
You know, it was beautiful.
That was a fun day.
I saw all those girls from that bathroom.
My friend Kirsten, with the
perfect pussy, she was there.
But she just had a baby,
and it was like a honker.
I mean, this was like a nine-pounder.
So, I was like, "Guess whose pussy
is perfect now?"
Yeah, still hers. She had a C-section.
But...
...what are you gonna do?
Guys, you were a great crowd.
And I hope I was a good girl.
I love you.
Good night!
Be a good, good
-Good girl
-
Be polite and say please
Now get down on your knees
Be a good, good, good girl
Shut your mouth, get underpaid
Suck it in, stay underage
Good girl
Good girl
Good girl
Good girl
They say it's sexy
When a girl can just speak her mind
But when you let me
The crowd goes soft
She sounds like a guy
They pull you close and whisper
You can have it all, dear
You'll have the perfect life
Perfect life
So many options
Be a mom, a babe, a boss's wife
Be a good, good, good girl
You're a slut or a tease
Now get down on your knees
Be a good, good, good girl
How the fuck can we persist
May redact it off your list
Good girl
Be a good, good, good girl
Good girl
Be a good, good, good girl
Good girl
Be a good, good, good girl
What's up, Saint Louis?!
Thank you so much.
This is such a special night.
Thank you for being here.
Before we begin, I just want you to know
that every single person in here
means so much money to me. I am...
I am cleaning up tonight.
No, this is--
This is such a special night
for you. I am...
No, it's so special to me.
I am so happy to be doing this
in St. Louis, Missouri,
my hometown.
Yep. I actually loved living
in St. Louis so much
because so much of my career is
having to just look perfect.
A-And I just feel like here, I don't...
...have to try, you know?
Whoo!
I can kind of give up, you know?
Like you. It's, um...
I don't get recognized a lot in St. Louis
'cause, uh, this is literally the best
I've ever looked in this town.
I don't usually look this way, so it--
I get excited when it happens.
It actually happened earlier today
at Starbucks.
This girl came up to me,
and she was like, "Are you..."
And I was like, "Yeah."
And she was like, "...aware there's
a Band-Aid in your hair?"
And I was like, "Oh yeah, sorry."
She was like, "Now it's on your Croc."
And so...
The St. Louis stiletto.
But I got gussied up for you tonight.
I got a spray tan for you guys.
Yes. Thank you.
It is the number one way to look
way hotter than you are.
You have to get a spray tan.
You look amazing.
You smell like a menstrual cup.
Now, that's kinda the downside
of the spray tan.
You smell like you've been free-bleeding
into an old boot, but...
...you look good, so it's worth it.
Get your spray tans now,
though, by the way.
I think they're gonna be taken
away from us pretty soon.
Because it is insane
that white people can just paint
their skin a different color,
and then be like, "I'm white."
You know, like, that's
cultural appropriation, I think.
I mean, it's, it's not Blackface,
but it is Guatemalan leg.
Like, it's...
This isn't my leg tone.
You gotta get one.
It's, um, it's really easy.
You just go to a salon,
you ask for the airbrush,
they send you into a back room,
you get totally naked,
and then a teenage girl comes in...
...to learn about the future of her body.
I mean, yeah, I volunteer.
It's helpful.
They have no idea what befalls them
'cause it all be fallin'.
I mean, it's...
Oh, God.
I swear to God, every time I turn around,
I hear a gasp because
I know what she's seeing.
She's seeing the folds of my ass cheeks
just going down my leg.
You can tell how old
a woman is by the folds.
It's like the rings of a tree.
You count, and each fold is a decade.
And she's like, "Okay, she's 40. Huh."
And she sprays you down with this,
like, Agent Orange.
I mean, who even knows what this stuff is?
I'm breathing it in every week.
I'm definitely gonna get some kind of
lung disease from it. I'm sure of it.
There's gonna be some, like,
epidemic in 20 years
called like, Tan Lung.
And it's gonna be ravaging old, hot women.
And...
To be honest, I'm actually
really hoping for Tan Lung because, um,
I'm gonna need the gig.
They're gonna have a class action lawsuit.
And I would love to be
the face of Tan Lung,
'cause my career's going great now,
but it can't last this long.
I know eventually Hollywood
is gonna kick me out
'cause I'm gonna do something horrible,
like, age naturally.
Yeah, that's "Me Too" for women.
That's when they say,
"Time's up, bitch." You know?
No, crow's feet for women,
are the same for men,
as, uh, decades of rape.
I think that's it.
That's where they go, "Get out!
You're a monster!"
So, I gotta take the gig.
That'll be a fun gig,
to be honest with you.
It'll be fun for you, too.
In 20 years, you turn on your TV,
you're like, "Who is that?"
And I'm like...
I'm Nikki Glaser.
You may remember me
from The Roast of Tom Brady.
Just talkin' through my trach.
You know, just...
Tan Lung is no laughing matter.
Like, just...
"Oh, my God! She's still alive?"
That's so fun. Maybe it's me and Snooki?
Like, maybe we can get Snooki
if she's still kicking.
Just us RFK-Jr-ing out.
"Ah!"
That's what he-- He has Tan Lung,
we can all agree.
He's stage two.
It corresponds to the color
he chose, I think.
But it's all toxic.
You know, being a woman
is a health hazard, it really is.
But if it works, it's worth it, you know?
Spray tans, they work.
Shapewear, that's another thing.
Deeply uncomfortable, but it works.
It just, like, sucks you in here
like a blood pressure cuff,
and it snatches your lower intestine
into your asshole.
So, those two get to meet
for the first time.
It gives you that hourglass shape
that men love.
They love when your body looks like
the timer in a game of Boggle.
They love that little hourglass.
That's why it's missing
from all your board games.
Yeah.
Go check under your teenage son's
mattress. That's what he's--
He's fondling it in his room.
That's why you hear him yelling "Yahtzee!"
in the middle of the night. That's it.
Your teenage son is cumming.
The shapewear is intense, 'cause it
sucks you in so hard up here,
but then it's connected
at the bottom, right?
It's like a thong.
And then throughout the night,
it kinda just like weasels its way up,
and just, like, bullying you up the front.
It's crazy.
Do you ever go to the bathroom
after wearing shapewear
and you just lift up your skirt and
it looks like you're cutting clay?
It's just, like, bisecting you up the...
It goes deep, dude.
Oh!
And there's no snaps on it,
so you just gotta pull it to the side.
It's soaked in piss.
Just shooting out
in 18 different directions.
One's a perfect arc, like Calvin.
It's horrible.
You gotta really hook it
up there and pull it down.
And your pussy's like,
And you snap it back up,
it's like,"Ooh, ah!"
I've got cauliflower clit.
I mean, it's beat up, dude.
It's horrible.
But it's worth it.
These things are worth it, you know?
'Cause they make you look hotter.
They make you look fuckable.
And when you look fuckable,
your life is great.
Like, everyone's nicer to you.
You get things.
Being fuckable, there's so many perks.
I think we misunderstand fuckable women.
Like, I think sometimes we see a woman
with big, fake, shiny tits,
and, like, Love Island lips.
And we're like, "Whoa,
she loves to get dicked down."
And it's like, no.
I think the worst part of a fuckable
woman's life is getting fucked.
I think that's the worst three
to six minutes of her month
is when she has to be penetrated
in order to even ask for
the new Range Rover.
I mean, that's what she
has to do to get it.
No, being hot, it rules.
Being ugly? That fucking sucks, dude.
We don't talk about that, right?
We don't talk about ugly people.
'Cause no one's ugly.
Come on.
Like, uh, there's some people,
they're ugly.
It's not a bad thing to say.
People go, "That's so mean."
I'm like, "Is it?"
It just means their face
isn't symmetrical, like it's--
I'm not saying they're a bad person.
It's not their fault.
I mean, it's their parents' fault
for being cousins or something,
but it's not their fault.
I'm sayin' I have sympathy
for ugly people.
I see you.
And I don't want to,
but I see you.
Ugly people are discriminated against.
We don't talk about this, but there have
been scientists that have done a study.
These ugly scientists got together
and they were like,
"Are we getting paid less?"
And it, it turns out that they are.
What they found is ugly people
make 62 cents on the dollar
that attractive people make.
So, what they found is, um,
if you're gross, you don't gross.
And...
...it's sad because ugly people
can't unionize.
There's-- Nothing will change.
What, are they gonna march with signs?
That are like, "We're revolting!"
We're like, "We know."
You know, the thing is, like,
we're all a little bit ugly.
Like, I feel ugly sometimes.
And people go, "No, you're not allowed
to say that, you're beautiful."
And listen, I'm not a dog, but, like,
I have proof I'm a
goofy-looking girl, okay?
I did a roast one time on Comedy Central,
and Blake Griffin got up there
and he made a joke
where he said that
I looked like Larry Bird.
And...
...it wouldn't have hurt unless
I heard the crowd's reaction,
which was as if it was the truest
thing they had ever heard.
I mean...
...it blew the roof off the place.
It, it came in waves as people were
googling it and being like,
"Oh, my God!" Like, it wouldn't stop.
Devastating.
Larry Bird.
If you-- If you don't know
who Larry Bird is,
just picture "Larry Bird," okay?
He looks exactly like his name.
I think his middle name is "the".
I mean, no one has ever looked
so much like their name
since Peter Dinklage. I mean, it's insane.
I was devastated.
I have a hard time having
sympathy for hot women.
I, uh, I get jealous of hot women a lot.
It's probably like the most
disgusting part about me...
...besides my pussy, but that's--
We'll get into that later.
That's a little, uh, foreshadowing
'cause...
'Cause it casts a shadow now.
But it's, um...
Ugh.
Get ready.
Yeah, I don't know. Hot girls, do you
ever feel that way about 'em?
Where you're just like,
"Eh, eh." Like...
Like, the worst it ever comes
out in me, is like,
you know, like, you hear about a woman
that went missing,
and then you're like, "Oh, my God."
And then you see a picture of her
and you're like,
"Bye." Like...
"Ta-ta, honey."
"I'm not looking for you.
I'm not joining the search party."
I'm tearing down posters like
a Columbia student.
Like, I don't want you found.
I just moved up in line, 'cause you're
laying in a creek bed somewhere.
So, I'm sorry about that, but it's...
...sick.
But I do wonder sometimes,
'cause of my thoughts,
I'm like, "Am I a sociopath?"
And then ChatGPT is like,
"No, queen, you're perfect."
And I'm like, "I knew it.
"Thanks, ChatGPT.
You're my best friend."
But I'm still working on it, dude.
Like, I'm gonna get a facelift
in a couple years.
- Whoo!
- And-- Thank you for cheering that on.
Most people are like,
"Don't! Don't do it."
Thank you.
I'm-- I don't know whether to be
insulted by you cheering it on or not,
but I appreciate that.
What I don't want when I get a facelift
is anyone being like,
"That's so sad she did that.
Why did she do that?"
And it-- the answer is,
it's 'cause it's gonna lead
to a better life for me.
I'm on TV a lot.
I'm gonna look amazing.
I'm gonna get better roles.
I'm gonna get paid more for those roles.
I'm gonna get fire emojis
from Kristin Cavallari.
Like, it-- Mm!
Do you know how good it feels
to have Bowen Yang write "Diva,"
with 19 A's underneath a picture of you?
Looks like he just fell asleep
on the keyboard,
'cause I was so slay.
Oh, my God.
And so, I'm gonna get a facelift,
and I just, I don't like how we shame
women who invest in their looks.
You know, we find out a girl
get a facelift and we're like,
"That's really sad. "That's really sad
that you just can't accept the face
you were born with."
And first of all, this isn't
the face I was born with. Okay?
I was born with a baby's head.
I don't have a baby's head
on a woman's body.
A reverse Ariana.
I don't have that, you know?
I can improve it.
You know? And, and, and it's not sad.
It's so sad
you can't accept the face you have.
And it's like, why is that sad?
But then when women spend, you know,
hundreds of thousands of dollars
on, like, a sociology degree,
no one's like,
"That's really sad
"you can't accept your dumb brain
for what it is.
"Why do you have to change it?
"That's a really bad example for your
daughter and her dumb brain.
How is she supposed to feel...
about that?"
But it's gonna look good.
My facelift is gonna be so good.
I'm gonna spend the right amount of money.
I'm gonna go to the right doctor.
Whoever Kris Jenner went to,
I'm gonna find him.
We know.
You go to the right guy, and it's amazing.
Face work is so good now,
'cause people are like,
"What if they ruin your face?"
I'm like, "It doesn't happen anymore."
You know, shout out to the ladies
of the '80s and '90s
who underwent cosmetic procedures
and sacrificed your faces
so that we could have...
...amazing, snatched jawlines.
Thank you so much
for your service. Thank you.
Oh, my God.
When I see a woman with just like
a very obvious--
Like, she just walked into
a haunted house kind of face, like...
I'm like, "Thank you honey.
"I feel like you should board planes
before veterans.
"Like, I truly...
"You sacrificed so much.
"Your face looked like
it stepped on an IED.
"Like, it's...
You're the real wounded warriors."
There are certain things I think
that we do for beauty
that I'm, like, kind of giving up on
because I'm not getting
the return on them.
I think nails are a waste
of our time and energy.
I have a boyfriend of 15 years.
He's never once noticed that
I've gotten my nails done, ever.
And they go up his asshole.
So if he's not clocking it, who cares?
Whoo!
I'm like, "Babe, I got 'em bedazzled
for your pleasure.
"Like, there's rhinestones on it.
Is that not...?
No?"
But I'm sick of getting my nails done.
You have to just sit there
every two weeks for two hours.
You can't be on your phone.
You can't do anything.
This is why we make less money
than men, I think.
It's like these crucial hours during
the day when you could be working.
Those hours?
Men are on their phones,
they're doing deals,
cheating on you. You're just...
...looking around the salon,
like, bored out of your mind.
The best entertainment they have
is Beat Bobby Flay on mute.
You're like...
..."Is that ricotta or Greek yogurt?
Oh, I'll never know."
It's not fun.
I think men think that women like
to go to nail salons, like, together,
and it's like a girls' day, and we just
chit-chat the whole time.
It's not like that.
Like, you can go to the nail salon
with a friend,
but you get separated
at the border, immediately.
They do not let you sit together.
They put you in the manicure station,
her in the pedicure station.
You're just like, blinking Morse code
at each other,
like, "Are you okay?"
You look over at her.
She's doing the worm in the massage chair.
Trying to talk herself out
of an $80 upcharge
to remove her calluses that
she needs to walk, like...
It's not fun.
God, it's so isolating.
So boring. You can't talk
to the woman doing your nails,
'cause... slavery.
I mean, I don't know. I don't know!
She seems sad and stuck.
Is it just me?
I look at her name tag. I'm like,
"Her name's not Rebecca O'Malley."
Like, this...
"Something's being covered up here."
And then at the end, you go to Venmo them
and you see their real name,
it looks like a license plate.
And you're like, "Okay, well, this is,
this is the truth."
I don't know that they're slaves.
This is just...
This is all based on this article I read
in The New York Times,
like ten years ago,
about New York City nail salons.
And I was living in New York at the time.
So, I was like, "What's going on?"
And it turns out they're, like,
all indentured servants.
These women have miserable lives.
It was really heartbreaking. It was--
It was the kind of thing you
read where you're like,
"Well, I can't support that anymore."
And I was really proud of myself,
'cause I, immediately,
I stopped going
for two weeks, 'cause that's when
my gels started peeling
and I was like, "What do I do?"
And then you go back. But-- But you--
If you wait two weeks, that's fine.
That's long enough.
You wait two weeks and then
you can convince yourself,
like... "They fixed it."
Like, someone got in there,
shook things up.
Things are good.
And now, I go back in,
I'm just a little bit nicer.
You know, I walk in kind of like,
"Hi, slaves."
Like, I don't say it, but I like...
...try to communicate it by
furrowing my brow like, "Slaves."
Then you sit down,
and you have to just stick your hands
in little different bowls of cancer.
I mean, this is so toxic.
This is a solvent meant
to dissolve plastic,
and you're just resting
your fingers in it.
How can this be good?
I don't even know what it is.
I try to read the label.
There's just like a picture of a
baby's head with an X through it,
and I'm like...
"I guess babies shouldn't drink it?
"That's probably what that means.
"I need a new form of birth control
anyway, so this is good.
This is really, really good."
And you just wait there. Sometimes
they make you soak for so long,
'cause they go and they work
on another client,
or they give a handjob in the back,
you know, just their sidework
they're getting done.
And you're like, "Okay, I think I'm good
'cause it's like starting to hit bone."
And so, you're like...
"I'm just gonna scoop
my soggy phalanges out."
And that's always when they see you.
Don't ever do anything
for yourself in a nail salon.
You wait to be told.
'Cause the second you do,
they go, "No, no, no, back in!"
And they slap your hand.
And I'm like, "Oh, my God, so sorry."
Instantly back in.
You're the slave now.
Like, just take it.
It's like, "So sorry."
She takes out that Dremel drill
to get the plastic off.
She goes hard on that.
Just locked-eyed with you.
There's like shrapnel hitting you
in the face and like...
...just a microplastic dust cloud
that you're just breathing in.
You, like, see it going in.
Ugh!
It's horrible for you.
She's not breathing it in,
'cause they wear masks, right?
That's why they wear masks.
I didn't realize that.
I just figured out recently
that they wear masks in nail salons
because it's like toxic chemicals.
I don't know what I thought was going on
with the masks before then.
Like...
...I think my white brain
was just like, "Asian.
"Like, they love masks.
"That's their heritage.
It's their culture.
"You know, she was a surgeon
in the village she came from before...
"...before she was zip-tied in a shipping
container and landed on our shores.
So, it reminds her of home. It's sweet."
No. It's toxic.
So, um, I think I'm obsessed with this
because it's just been
brought to my attention
that there are women, like,
in the States being trafficked.
Because every time you go into a
women's restroom in a public place,
there is a poster on the back of the stall
asking you if you're being trafficked.
We have these, right, ladies?
Do you know what I'm talking about?
Yes. They're in every world language.
Um, I always look for English,
and it just is very small at the bottom.
And it says, "You wish," but...
...it's, it's not really for us.
But, men don't have these
posters in their stalls.
That's what I've learned.
I guess you guys have
posters that are like,
"Hey, need a slave?
Text 'traffic' to 69-69."
Is that what you have?
No.
No, you have signs for more pressing
issues in your bathrooms.
Like, washing your hands.
You know, as soon as we--
As soon as we beat that,
we'll get to the slaves.
It's just...
But being, uh-- Being, like, trafficked
is a real fear for young girls now.
I-I have a lot of Gen Z friends
who are like,
"I'm scared to go out alone.
Like, what if I get trafficked?"
And I'm like, "Wow,
that was not a fear for me in my 20s."
I'm 41, and when I was in my 20s,
we just feared, like,
good old-fashioned rape,
you know, like, we didn't...
I didn't think it would be a career.
You know, I didn't think...
I just thought it was a temp position
in that parking garage.
I didn't think it would last forever.
But they're really scared.
It's rubbed off on me.
Sometimes when I'm with them, I'm like,
"Yeah, I'm scared we're
gonna get trafficked."
And they're like, "You're fine.
"Like...
...you've aged out of getting trafficked."
You just try to do your part.
You know, do your best.
There's so many things in the world
that need your attention,
but do what you can.
I'm, uh, I'm vegan, so I know
I'm better than you.
And, um...
Thank you. Thank you so much.
I became vegan like, ten years ago,
'cause I saw factory farm footage,
and I was just so disturbed by what I saw
that I, I just couldn't eat
animals after that.
And it doesn't work for everything,
'cause I'm now trying
to take a break from porn
because it's gotten too dark.
I mean, the porn I watch looks like
factory farm footage,
and so...
...it's weird that I can't stop
watching it. It's--
Why is it that when I see it
happen to animals, I cry,
but when I see it happen to women,
I cum harder
than I ever have in my life?
I can't--
These are not cage-free whores.
They're literally caged, sometimes. It's--
I watch a lot of porn.
I-I mean, I probably watch as much as
the average 41-year-old plumber.
I think that's probably...
But that's what happens with porn.
It's a drug. You get desensitized
to the thing you're watching,
and you need something weirder,
something just crazier to get you off.
You know, 'cause it'll start off sweet.
Like, I'm like, "Oh, girl on girl."
And then it's like, "Oh, you know what?
This isn't really hitting.
"Like, maybe I need, like,
a stepmom stuck in a dryer.
"You know, like...
"...that's my new thing.
That's good. That's where it'll stop.
That's all I need."
And then after a while,
that's fucking nothing.
You're just like, "Nothing?
I need something else?"
And then it ends up you need to watch
like a MILF getting fisted
in a Target bathroom on, like,
a Koala changing table.
That's where I'm at.
You know the Koala changing table?
Men have those in their bathrooms, right?
'Cause that-- You need them in case
a MILF needs to get fisted.
Is that what-- That's what they're for
in a men's room, right?
That's where I'm at.
I like fisting porn now.
I just-- I can't believe it either.
It's disgusting.
I never thought I'd be here.
I, I, I remember the first time fisting
was even suggested to me by porn.
'Cause porn will, like,
monitor your habits,
and they're like, "Hey, you know,
"based on all the gangbangs
you've been watching,
"um...
"...we don't have any more.
So, maybe a fisting compilation."
I was like, "What the fuck?"
I was offended, I was like,
"Get this off my screen. Gross!"
And they were like,
"We'll see you in a month."
And they were right.
I love it.
I'm in my fisting era. I love it.
'Cause I like seeing women
doing feats of athleticism
that are just out of this world,
and fisting is insane.
To have a whole man's
fist and arm go in your pussy,
that's incredible.
I'm, like, blown away at these women,
'cause it seems impossible.
That's what I like about it.
It seems impossible,
but you know it's not.
A-- A baby's head is supposed
to come out of there, so it can fit.
But, like, how?
It's kinda like...
You know what it's like?
It's like, um, when you try
to put a sleeping bag
back into the bag it came in.
Like, that's...
Where you're like,
"We know it was there once.
It has to go. But how?"
That's what I like.
I love it.
And I love-- I love the dynamic
between the fister and the fist-ee.
Like, I like...
I like when the guy is, like,
kind of gruff and mean.
He's like, "Take it, you fucking whore."
Like, I like when he's like, mean.
There's something about that.
I want that guy to be so mean.
But he, like, believes in her.
Like, I love that.
It's sweet.
I love that, like, Russian gymnastics
coach energy, you know, like,
"You can do it, Carrie!"
And like...
...I like that.
And then the best part is
when he does get it in,
and then he gets it in,
and then he goes, "Good girl."
And that's like, "Oh! Yahtzee!"
Like, that...
Close the laptop. I'm good to go.
Like, "Good girl," every girl loves it.
Every girl is horny
to be told, "Good girl."
And it's-- I rarely generalize,
but I have yet to meet a woman
or a gay man-- bottom--
who doesn't love to be called,
"Good girl."
We all love it.
Please say it.
I'm telling you, we all like it.
And I know that there are men that are
scared to say it, because you're like,
"It sounds like I'm her dad,"
but it's like,
exactly.
Okay, just do it.
Be my dad, you know?
It is it.
We want to be good girls.
And it frees us of the shame that
sex brings upon us, you know?
We live in a really puritanical
Christian society,
and we absorb all the shame of, like,
"Oh, if I enjoy sex,
"if I like cumming, there's something
wrong with me.
"I'm a bad girl and I might not
get into heaven.
Jesus might be mad 'cause I'm a whore."
Right?
We kind of feel sad about it.
But not if a guy says, "Good girl,"
after you do something whorish.
Frees you of it.
'Cause after he says, "Good girl,"
you're like, "I'm not a whore.
"I'm just an A student.
You know? That was just the assignment."
You're like, I could roll up on the pearly
gates with a pearly face and be like,
"Listen, I didn't want this.
You think I like this?
"You think I like this?
"No, I was heeding the man.
"Jebediah anointed me with his seed.
"I had nothing to do with this.
"He did it in a cross.
You've heard of Ash Wednesday?
"Well, he told me it was Splooge Tuesday.
"Is that not a thing?
"Have I been tricked?
Okay, which way is Hell? Okay."
Hmm.
Cum on the face is kinda crazy. I mean...
...let's talk about it for a second.
I've--
I've done it like a handful of times
this week, but it's not--
It's not an everyday thing.
I think it's a nice thing to, to offer
a guy that you really love.
I'm talking about like your husband.
Someone you really love.
He's seen it, girls. He's jerked off
to women getting cum on their face.
And I know it was before he met you
tonight to come to the show.
But, it's...
...it's in his past. He's seen it.
But he wouldn't dream of asking you
to cum on your face.
You know, you have to ask.
You have to be like, "Cum on my face."
And he'll be like, "What?"
"Matthew Templeton-Green, cum on my face."
You gotta get mommy about it.
They like that, too.
And this is something he's
only seen on a screen.
So, when he gets to do it,
he's gonna be like,
"The movies are real!"
"Whoa!" Like, the wonder.
It's like he's going to Universal Studios
for the first time.
He's like, "Whoa!"
You can give a Make-A-Wish
to a middle-aged man.
How cool is that?
But you-- But you, you have to ask
'cause he's not gonna ask.
He wants it. But your sweet husband?
He's not gonna ask.
He's not gonna be like,
"I'm gonna cum on your fuckin' face."
Like, that's...
You didn't marry a Persian club promoter.
Like, you're not...
Your husband isn't Dean Cain.
So, he's not gonna ask.
Your sweet husband who has
to ask your permission
to eat a second cupcake,
isn't gonna be like,
"Part your bangs, Bridget!"
Like...
Like, no, he's a nice guy.
You gotta ask.
Ladies, can you imagine in bed
if your husband asked you
if you wanted something that you
would have always wanted,
but, like, were too afraid to ask?
It would be like the same thing
as if your husband was like,
"Hey, tonight, do you want me
to go downstairs
"and do the dishes
while this Black guy
comes in to fuck you?"
You'd be like...
"The movies are real!"
Same thing.
And listen, I know-- I know
cum in the face is a little degrading,
but it's a gift you can give that's free.
All it costs is a little dignity.
And it's like, who cares?
It-- It's-- It's kind of fun.
It looks like you just won
a Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Award.
That, that's like...
...kind of like,
"You got slimed, who cares?"
It's fun.
Just don't get it in your eye.
That's the only thing
that I would recommend.
Don't get it in your eye.
I got it in my eye one time.
I, I didn't mean to, but he did, and--
And so...
...it got in my eye, and I,
I wasn't worried at first,
'cause I was like, you know, it's not
gonna be soothing by any means,
but I thought, "Oh, it'll sting
like shampoo or something,"
but it stung like Sriracha.
Like, I don't know what the
Scoville rating on semen is,
but we gotta get this stuff on Hot Ones.
I mean, it was acidic.
It was searing my eyehole.
I was screaming. I was like...
Like, it felt like an acid attack.
I was like, "Am I a woman in Sudan
with an opinion?
"Like, what the fuck?
I promise I won't drive!"
I was like, writhing in agony.
I'm like, "Does it burn coming out?"
Is that-- Is that why you guys
sound like that when you're like...
Like, is it--
Is it searing your dick hole?
What's happening? 'Cause...
...that honestly would make sense
why you look and sound like that.
It was horrible.
I was freaking out.
I, um, and I knew it was infecting, like,
I felt an eye infection come on.
I've had a lot of eye infections.
I've-- I've had pink eye a lot
'cause I love Skee-Ball.
And so I was like, "I know what this is.
I gotta get the drops, you know?"
'Cause I had to be on TV
the next day and I was like,
"I can't do The View with cum in my eye.
Who am I, Joy Behar?" You know?
So, I had to go to urgent care,
and I, I, I drive over there
and I'm, like, so nervous
to tell the doctor,
like what happened.
But I gotta tell him the truth.
So, I'm trying to dress it up
in, like, doctor talk.
And so, I'm like,
"Um, so, during coitus, my...
"...paramour, um,
"accidentally ejaculated seminal fluid
into my ocular cum hole.
"I mean...
...I mean my eye."
I could have said "eye."
He didn't care.
Doctors don't care. They've heard it all.
He was immediately, like,
just jotting down my prescription.
And he diagnosed me as a "good girl."
And I was like, "What?"
"What'd you say?
Really?"
I was like, "You can get
the other eye if you want.
"I got the drops. We might as well.
I can treat it."
Oh, guys, I'm 41.
I don't have kids.
Yeah.
I'm 41. No kids.
Uh, I don't want kids.
Um, being a mom, I look at it
and I'm like,
"Oh, that is so much work."
And that's why I would be a dad,
like tonight.
Like, I...
I don't...
Be a dad.
Absolutely, be a dad.
First of all, if you're a dad, and--
and let's say you don't like it,
you can leave.
Like, you can just be like,
"This isn't for me, I'm not ready."
And you can split.
We don't love it, you know?
But it's precedented. It's not insane.
You know, the deadbeat dad, that's--
That's an American archetype.
You know, the deadbeat dad?
I think it's the Florida State bird.
I think he's getting it changed.
Has it happened yet?
Moms can't leave. You know?
It's a full-time job to be a mom.
And, and to be a dad, it's like a paid
internship at your uncle's company.
I mean, it's just...
It's not-- It's not nothing to be a dad,
but it's close. I mean, it's so close...
...to nothing.
It is. I'm not mad about it.
I'm just jealous.
I just want to be a dad.
'Cause if you do stick around
and you're a good dad,
we, like, lose our minds
at anything you do.
Because the bar is so low.
You get so much credit.
There's, like, a whole TikTok
subgenre of dads
doing their daughters' hair
for the first time,
'cause their wife is hanging herself
in the basement or something.
You know, like it's...
She finally found a way out.
But...
...we love these videos, right?
Of dads like, just being like,
"I don't know what I'm doing."
And he's like using a vacuum cleaner
to suck up her ponytail,
and like, a bread tie to tie it off.
He's like putting a chip clip on top.
Like, "Is this good?"
We're like, "No, it looks like shit,
but we love it."
We're like, "It's so funny! Hehe!"
Like. Like. Like. Like. Like.
Share. Share. Share.
It has millions of views.
It goes viral.
The guy's on Good Morning America
the next Monday to talk about it.
They're like, "Today on our show,
we're dedicating our Mother's Day episode
"to a different kind of mom...
...a dad."
What? Oh, we love it.
And he's being interviewed
and they're like,
"John, now tell us what compelled you
"to do the bare minimum?
"Like, walk us through what was
going through your head
"when you decided to spend time
with your girl child?
That's crazy."
We can't believe it.
Can you imagine if someone sent you a
TikTok of a mom doing her daughter's hair?
You'd be like, "What the fuck is this?
Why am I watching this?"
You'd be like, "Is there gonna be like,
a home invasion or something?
"Like, where's the payoff? What's...?
"Oh, does the ceiling fan fall off
and chop off both their heads?
"'Cause...
...what's the point?"
No, we don't-- [laughing] We don't care.
Moms could be doing
their daughters' hair perfectly,
and we would still scrutinize.
The comments would be awful.
They'd be like...
You're pulling too hard!
She's a girl, not a horse!
I hope your uterus falls out!
Why haven't you said anything
about Palestine?!
We need to know where you stand!
Jesus Christ.
It's too hard.
It's too stressful to be a mom.
I'm too stressed to be an aunt,
I really am.
I was staying with my sister, uh,
not too long ago at her house,
and at one point I was like,
"I'm gonna go take a shower."
And my nephew comes running
in the room and he's like...
I'm wanna take a shower with you.
I wanna take a shower with you.
He's 18. I was like,
"What is going on with his voice?
Why is no one talking about this?"
He's frozen in time.
What's happening?
No. [chuckles] He was four, and, um...
And it was cute, you know, he wanted
to hang out with me in the shower,
but I guess it's not weird.
My sister was like, "Oh, it's fine.
We do it. He goes in with us,
you can go in."
And I was like,
"I don't think that's a good idea.
"I just don't...
I don't think you should do that."
And she was like, "It's fine."
And I go, "Well, maybe if you like,
come in and watch us?
I think that's maybe better."
She was like, "Why?"
And I'm like,
"'Cause what if I molest him?
"I mean, I just feel like...
Do you know I won't, you know?"
She was like, "I thought I did."
And I'm like, "Good. You don't know.
You don't know."
She doesn't.
But she asked. She was like, "Would you?"
And I was like, "No! What the fuck? Ew!
"I would never!
But that's what I'd say if I was gonna."
You know? Like, I'd lie.
Pedophiles lie.
They're not undercover cops.
They don't gotta tell you what
they're about, you know?
You can't trust anyone.
I mean, and I know I'm an aunt,
but aunts are just female uncles, dude.
Like, come on.
Open your eyes.
And I know that I won't if I think
about it. It's like, "Blech."
But, like, what if it's something
you don't know that you are
until you get in there
and then you're like,
"Oh, this is my thing."
You know? Like, what if it opens up
a part of my brain that's dormant?
No one chooses to be a pedophile.
It just lands there.
I can't-- You don't--
Don't mess with that. You know?
People think this is crazy, but I'm like,
"How many times in my life have I looked
at something and been like,
'That is disgusting.
I would never do that.'"
And now I'm like,
"Pickleball is kind of fun, actually."
So, like, I...
I don't trust my brain.
Just don't get, like, male babysitters.
I can't even understand why people
get male babysitters.
It's--
If you got one tonight,
I'm sure it's fine.
But, like, what are you doing?
Oh, boy, you're playing with fire,
I'm just saying.
I'm sure you got a good one.
And I'm sure you have cameras.
And if you don't, he does.
But what I'm saying is, don't...
I'm not saying all male babysitters
are pedophiles.
That's not what I'm saying.
I'm just saying if I was a pedophile,
I know what line of work
I would look into.
I mean, they follow
their dreams, you know?
It's the easiest way in, too.
They don't have to join the
Catholic priesthood
and LARP their way through that bullshit.
That's an in.
But it's a lot of work, you know?
They don't have to befriend
a billionaire with an island.
And, like, you don't have to sit next
to Bill Gates on a private plane.
You don't have to help
Stephen Hawking up a ramp.
I mean, that's like a lot of stuff...
...to get to what you want.
But male babysitter,
you just got to be like,
"I'm free Thursday."
It's like your TSA PreCheck.
You're right in.
So, don't get 'em.
And, uh-- And if you did get one tonight,
uh, these are just jokes.
You don't need to leave the show early
to relieve him.
Your toddler already did,
but that's the worst--
Listen,
I know.
It's the worst joke I've ever told.
It's the worst thing I've ever thought.
You think I want to think that?
What the fuck?
But...
back to Arlo wanting
to take a shower with me.
It's...
I think I just didn't want him
to see my vagina,
'cause I remember when he asked,
my first thought was like,
"What does my vagina look like?"
Like, that's...
And that's a weird thought,
'cause that means, like--
I'm not trying to say there's
an ideal version of it for him,
like, "Arlo, check it out.
Like, I shaved PAW Patrol into it."
Like, that's...
It's not like it's ever good enough
for him to see.
But this day,
I thought it would just be
too jarring for him.
I had grown out all the hair.
He would have seen it and
thought it was Shel Silverstein
on the back of The Giving Tree.
You know, it would just...
And believe me, it was giving tree top.
And so, it was like,
I just didn't want to ambush him
with my aunt bush.
I mean, it's like...
'Cause he's four, right?
And four is the age where you
have your first memory.
And I feel like he would have
looked at my giant bush,
and then his consciousness
would have been like,
"And, we're live. Start recording."
It's just like...
I can't do that to him.
'Cause that happened to me. It did.
I saw my aunt's vagina
at a really young age
before I was ready.
Not that I'd ever be ready, but...
And I remember it so well.
It's one of my most vivid memories.
We were on a speedboat in Lake Michigan.
My aunt was driving.
Okay, one hand on the wheel,
cigarette in mouth,
and she used her free hand to,
right in front of my face,
put a tampon in.
Just slipped it to the side,
loaded a tampon in.
It happened so fast.
She was like John Wick.
It was like...
Like loading a gun.
It was like John Wick,
but with more blood.
I mean, I was like, "What am I seeing?"
I had no clue what I was watching.
I mean, she was putting this
big cardboard thing--
You know, one of those
old Tampax '80s ones?
Looked like a paper towel roll.
You know, like it was--
It squeaked when it went in.
She took the remnants,
threw 'em behind her.
They hit my cousin in the head,
as he's, he's tubing.
He's like, "What the...?"
He got tubed while tubing.
I learned so much.
I didn't even know what I learned.
I just learned there's storage up there.
And I was like, "Ah...
...a place for my POGs. Fuck, yeah. Okay."
But it's really the only thing
I remember from that trip.
And, um, my cousin
drowned that day, so it's...
Don't remember how. I-- Yeah.
So, um, I'm gonna take off
my jacket 'cause, um...
Thank you.
Yeah.
This is the part of the show
where I get into
horrifying detail about the state
of my vagina.
And...
...so, just 'cause I'm giving you
graphic imagery
about what's going on down there,
I just want to remind you that
I have amazing tits.
So, that's why this is off.
Focus on these for what
you're about to hear.
Here, Dad, take this.
It's my dad.
He's shrouding himself in it.
Good boy.
So, let's talk about it.
So, my pussy is now 41
inches long
and it's starting...
...to fall down the sides.
Each outer lip is like getting
a little Salvador Dali-esque,
like the melting clocks.
It's not good.
And I want you to know it's gonna happen
to all of you young ladies.
I know you don't think this.
I remember being you of, like, "Not me."
'Cause maybe you're one of these girls
that just has, like, two lips in a line,
little Dua Lipa. Mm.
Fuck you. Fuck you,
if you have two lips in a line.
Oh!
I've always wanted two lips in a line.
I've never been able to get it.
I have to like stuff everything in.
Like, I can get it, but I stuff it all in.
And then I have to put some
lash glue on the sides,
and then I have to squeeze it together.
I sing "Happy Birthday"...
...and then I can let it go.
And it's like, "Yeah!"
It doesn't look the same as yours.
It looks like Louis Armstrong
playing the trumpet.
You know, it's like...
It's just drooping.
It's like falling down.
I'm starting to grow out my bush
just to give it like a chiseled jawline.
You know, like fat men do with beards?
Just cover it up.
'Cause it falls.
No one ever told me it would fall.
Does it fall off eventually?
Do I shed it like an exoskeleton?
I don't need it anymore.
It just, it's changed for me.
I used to worry about camel toe.
Now I'm worried about basset hound head.
So, it's like...
Have you ever just looked
at your aging genitals
after not seeing them for a while
and just thought to yourself,
"Oh, I guess I can't leave my husband."
You know? "I can't take this out
on the marketplace.
"I'll stay with him. He doesn't care.
He's grandfathered in. You know, I..."
There comes a point in your life
where your pussy looks so bedraggled
that you're like, "I can't go through
another vaginal reveal with someone."
You know?
You know what I mean?
That tense moment where a guy
touches your pussy for the first time
and you, like, hold your breath
like...
Like you're about to hear
the winner of American Idol.
Like, you're just like,
"What's the verdict?"
And then he has to, like,
sort through your labia
that you've kind of, like,
crammed into the middle.
It's like, clumped together,
like day-old Thai food, you know?
Just like congealed Pad See Ew.
Yeah, Pad See Ew.
He pads it, he sees it.
He's like, "Ew!" You know? It's...
My whole life has been insecurities
about my vagina.
They change all the time.
You know, I think when you first
start out as a young woman,
you're hooking up with guys,
you're so scared that they're gonna
make fun of your pussy.
'Cause you hear,
"Oh, smell is a bad thing."
So, you worry,
but you don't really know
what it's supposed to smell like.
I, I still do the smell test
before I hook up.
I'll just, like...
I'm like, "Ugh!"
"Perfect, okay."
'Cause...
it should smell bad.
It's a wet pocket, three inches
from my asshole.
Like, it's...
It shouldn't smell good.
Wet pocket
Um...
So, you worry about smell.
You worry about tightness.
'Cause you hear jokes that guys make.
Funny jokes. They're like,
"Oh, this girl was so loose,
it was like throwing a hot dog
down a hallway."
You've heard that, right?
When I heard that, I'm like,
"That sounds quite fun, actually."
Just to, like, toss a hot dog
down a hallway
and watch it, like, flap around,
like, that's fun.
And also, that kinda sounds like
a hot dog problem to me.
Like that's...
Is that on us?
Yeah.
I don't think you can throw a
redwood tree down a hallway,
is all I'm saying. It's all I'm saying.
Knock on wood.
But it's funny
'cause whenever you complain
about these like vaginal insecurities,
there's like always an older woman
that overhears you
and she's always like,
"Ah, they don't care
as long as it's warm and wet."
And you're like,
"Thanks, Obi-Wine Kenobi. I didn't ask."
I don't even have wet anymore.
I can't be like,
"Well, at least it's wet."
I'm 41. I don't get wet.
The best I get is... tacky?
Like, it's like...
Like an old man's mouth.
It like... Mm.
It smacks.
I literally hear it smack when I
open my legs sometimes.
It's humiliating.
Never wet. Ever.
Not, never. I get, like,
little spurts of it.
Probably like two a month.
I get a little...
Just out of nowhere.
Just...
It's not connected to me being
turned on, I don't think.
'Cause the last time it happened,
I was at Starbucks
and they were like,
"We're out of oat milk."
And I'm like...
Like, right, right on it.
I was like...
"Why that?
He wasn't even mean about it.
Like, why am I horny?"
He's like, "We have coconut milk."
I'm like, "I do, too, actually.
I just brewed my own."
I think my biggest insecurity
about my vagina my whole life,
has been the inner lips,
the labia minora.
My minora are majora.
Yeah, like, they're...
...hanging out.
And I really didn't know this was a thing.
I was 19 when I figured out that
this might be a problem.
I was a virgin. No one had
ever seen my vagina.
I figured, "Oh, I have the same vagina
as everyone else."
And then one night I was listening
to a Dane Cook album,
one of my favorite comedians,
and he had a great joke
about going down on a girl
with too many lips.
"Oh, too many lips."
And I was like, "What's this?"
And he described it like, uh,
he said at one point,
it was like getting lost in the
stage curtains of his high school.
He was like, rolling around in them.
It was hilarious.
But I was like, "What's he talking about?"
And I looked down at mine
and there was a production of Brigadoon
going on down there.
I'm like...
"Dane Cook wouldn't fuck me!"
And I was like, "Oh my God,
I cannot have this kind of vagina."
I was like, "I have to do
something about it."
So, I was like, researching into,
um, labiaplasty.
I was broke, but I was saving up
money for the surgery
where they take off your labia,
and they donate it to Lobes of Love
for kids who have been afflicted
with childhood earlobe cancer.
It's a beautiful organization.
But...
But it was a race against time, right?
So I'm 19,
and I desperately want to hook up.
But I can't because I, I just imagine
that if any guy even fingers me,
he'd be like, "What is this?"
And he'd be like...
And, like, puke on me
and leave me in the woods.
And he wouldn't be able
to untangle his hand,
and he'd have to 127 hours hisself out.
And...
I just had this whole story.
So, I was like, "I have to fix it."
And then, I went to this party in college
with a bunch of my friends,
and it was crazy because this guy
I had liked all of college,
he finally broke up with his girlfriend,
and my friends were like,
"He wants to be with you
and you're gonna hook up finally!"
But I, I didn't want to tell them
'cause I didn't tell anyone.
Like, it's ironic I'm talking about it
into a microphone now,
because at the time, this pussy stuff,
like, I kept it inside.
Not it, but like, the idea of it...
...was in my heart.
I hadn't told anyone.
But then my friends were like,
"You're gonna hook up with him!"
And I was like, "I can't."
And they were like,
"What do you mean?" I was like,
"[sniffling] My pussy is...
my pussy is wack." And, um--
And I said "wack" because this was 2005
and we said that then, okay?
I was like,
"My pussy looks like it's saying,
'Wuzzup!'" You know, like...
1-
- ...they got it.
This was 2005.
I'm wearing juicy sweatpants.
Not the brand. They just were.
But, um...
But they were like, "What are you
talking about, Nikki?
Wha-- We've never heard of this."
And I was like,
"Well, like, you know how most of the time
"it's just like two lips in a line,
while like in that line,
"there's like a...
"it looks like there's like a baby octopus
"coming out to, like, forage
for food for the first time,
you know, like on a nature documentary
where it's like coming out?"
And they were like, "I think so?"
And they go, "I, I think
ours are like that."
And I was like, "What?
Show me. Show me now!"
And they were like, "Okay."
'Cause they're good friends.
And so, they were like,
"Let's go in the bathroom."
Five of us went into this bathroom
at this party.
And, and everyone was like,
"What are you guys doing?"
And we were like, "Coke."
And so, we went in...
...and pulled out our pussies.
It was so helpful to me.
This day changed my life, truly.
'Cause my first two friends that
showed me their vaginas,
they looked exactly like mine.
And I was like, "Oh my God,
we are like three Steven Tyler's singing."
Like, just lips and scarves.
I was like, "Yes! My lips sis's."
I was so happy.
And then my friend Kirsten was next.
And she's the girl that like ha--
is like perfect all the time
but tries to fit in with your, like,
friends who aren't, you know?
You know this friend? Like,
she pulled down her underwear.
She was like, "Is this bad?"
And it was just the most perfect
little dime slot pussy, ever.
I was like, "You come in here with
your little Uncrustable pussy?
"You can't do that.
"We're standing here with our lamb gyros
"that look like they fell on the sidewalk.
That's not okay. Turn around."
- Whoo!
- So mad.
But then the next girl took
down her underwear.
And that was the best part.
Now, this was my fifth friend.
This is the thing, girls.
If you have any lip shame,
you need to do this.
You need to see normal vaginas.
So, this is what you gotta do.
You gotta get five friends.
Five is the key number.
You can do four. You can do four.
But four is risky, 'cause four...
...you might be the dangler.
And you don't wanna be the dangler.
You don't wanna be the worst.
You just need one girl who's
worse than you
and you are good to go.
And that was my friend, Holla.
My friend Holla,
she pulled down her--
She didn't pull it down,
she just, you know, pulled her
underwear to the side
and it fell out like...
It was like she had a
message for the king.
It like, unfurled.
And we were like, "Whoa!"
It was like...
We were like, "Did you hear a horn?"
We're like, "Do we salute?
Or like Buckingham's Palace?
"Or like...
I want to do the right protocol."
We were horrified.
We weren't even good friends about it.
Like a good friend, when you see
something horrifying with your friend,
you go, "Oh, it's not that bad.
It's fine," you know?
But we were like, "What the fuck?!
You don't deserve love."
Like...
She's like, "Is it bad? Is this bad?"
We're like, "Dude, how do you ride a bike?
Like, it looks like you're making pasta."
She didn't care. Oh, my God.
She was instantly like, making jokes
about it. She was like,
"Seriously guys, it's so long.
It's crazy."
She was like, "If I stretch it out,
it can like touch the ground."
We were like, "Should it?
You're gonna get athlete's labe,
like, pick it up."
She was so cool about it.
She was like, "Guys,
I'm going back to the party."
And she was like, over her shoulder,
Continental soldier,
like, "Bye, guys."
You're like...
Just pussy's agape, like...
How do you have that much confidence?
Did your mom hug you?
Did you go to Montessori?
Why do you like yourself?
But it was just this beautiful moment
where she had taken this pussy that
looked like it had sat on a grenade,
and she...
...she wore it like a vag of honor.
You know, she...
She made it funny.
She was just, like, silly about it.
And it, it just, it--
It made me realize that
I shouldn't care about this stuff either.
Like, I always think about Holla's labia
whenever I'm feeling insecure
or I'm at a car wash
and the wet flaps are like
hitting the windshield,
I'm like...
"I shouldn't care either."
And things turned out
great for her, really.
I mean, we're still best friends
until she sees this on a special.
But she, uh...
No, she really, she turned out great.
She married, like, the hottest guy
from our high school.
Um, he's blind and has no hands, but...
But she has a great life.
We all just reunited recently
at, uh, Holla's wedding.
It was so fun. I got to hold her labia
in the ceremony.
It was so beautiful.
We stretched it out.
I missed the ceremony,
'cause I was in the street,
but, like, we just wanted
to get the full...
...breadth of it.
You know, it was beautiful.
That was a fun day.
I saw all those girls from that bathroom.
My friend Kirsten, with the
perfect pussy, she was there.
But she just had a baby,
and it was like a honker.
I mean, this was like a nine-pounder.
So, I was like, "Guess whose pussy
is perfect now?"
Yeah, still hers. She had a C-section.
But...
...what are you gonna do?
Guys, you were a great crowd.
And I hope I was a good girl.
I love you.
Good night!
Be a good, good
-Good girl
-
Be polite and say please
Now get down on your knees
Be a good, good, good girl
Shut your mouth, get underpaid
Suck it in, stay underage
Good girl
Good girl
Good girl
Good girl
They say it's sexy
When a girl can just speak her mind
But when you let me
The crowd goes soft
She sounds like a guy
They pull you close and whisper
You can have it all, dear
You'll have the perfect life
Perfect life
So many options
Be a mom, a babe, a boss's wife
Be a good, good, good girl
You're a slut or a tease
Now get down on your knees
Be a good, good, good girl
How the fuck can we persist
May redact it off your list
Good girl