Nikki Glaser: Perfect (2016) Movie Script

[Anya Marina's "Not Mine"]
- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,
ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,
ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
I cannot touch that thing
It is not mine
I do not take,
I do not take
No matter how you shine
I cannot take a gift
That isn't true
I love myself,
I love myself
Too much to love you
- Thank you, guys.
[cheers and applause]
Thank you,
thank you.
New York, thank you.
Stop it.
Stop it.
How are you guys?
[cheers and applause]
I am whoo too.
I'm feeling whoo.
I--it's so good
to be here.
I am in the prime of my life.
I'm in my late 20s.
I'm 31,
and it's just--
it's going great.
I--that's a woman's age.
Like, I am a woman,
but I don't feel like one
most of the time.
I'm still feeling like
a girl a lot of times.
Like, I'm still relating
to Taylor Swift songs
on a level I definitely
shouldn't, you know?
But, like, my back hurts a lot,
so I'm like,
"Oh, that's right,
I can't shake it off.
"Like, I wish--
I wish I could."
I'm on Snapchat, you know?
But, like, I Google
bunion surgery every day,
so looking into that.
It's weird, like, I feel
confident most of the time,
but there are times
when I'm like, "Ugh."
Like, the other day,
I got jealous
of a dog's thigh gap.
I'm not proud of that.
Just like,
"How does she do it?
"I have to switch to kibble.
"I just got to do it.
But I'm just, like,
not where I should be,
I feel, as a 31-year-old.
I don't want a lot of things
that girls my age want.
I don't want kids.
I do want a baby, though,
so it's like,
ugh, you know?
'Cause that's--
they become that, and so...
Yeah, I do want a baby,
but, like,
I feel like
most women want babies,
and that's maybe
why so many of us exist,
'cause babies are so cute,
everyone wants one.
They're like the puppies
of humans, I've heard.
I think a scientist
said that once,
and, you know, it's like--
and that's all
you hear women say
when they're gonna have kids.
They're like,
"Oh, we're trying for a baby.
"Oh, we're gonna have a baby.
"We just had a baby.
And it's like,
"Yeah, I know, but, like,
"eventually it's just gonna be
some dude named Doug.
"You know that, right?
it's just gonna be a guy."
Like, it's always "baby,"
but it's like,
it's a baby this much
of the time you know it,
and then it's all Doug.
Like, it's just a--
no one's ever like,
"Oh, we're having a man."
That's what you should say.
"Yeah, I don't want a Doug."
"I don't," but the thing is,
I do want a baby.
I have baby fever.
Like, I see a baby,
and I'm like, "Ugh."
My body's just like,
"Make one," like,
I just--
but again, you know,
like, it'll strike you
in the weirdest times.
My boyfriend sent me a picture
of him holding
his cousin's new baby,
and it was--
it had to have been
the hottest picture
I've ever seen of my boyfriend.
I was just, like, so attracted,
'cause he was, like,
naked and fully erect,
but it was also, like--
That was it.
I was like, "You never
hold me like that, you know?
Just for Caleb?"
No, he was clothed.
Still erect,
but clothed, and--
But he was just
holding this baby.
He just looked like a father,
and I was just like, "Oh."
Like, it was so hot,
but I was like,
"I'll never have that, like,
'cause I don't want kids."
So I was like,
"Is there a way he could,
like, fuck me holding a baby?"
Like, we could just, like,
borrow a friend's baby
for a few minutes.
Like, not--don't think--
it's nothing gross.
Like, he would just
hold it like this.
It wouldn't even know.
It would feel soothed
and rocked, I feel like.
It might fall asleep.
I don't know.
If it wakes up,
we'll blindfold it.
Like, I don't want
to damage your baby either,
you know?
Or if you have, like,
a blind baby,
that would be perfect.
Is this weird, you guys?
Is that a weird question?
I do--I like kids.
I'm not good with kids, though.
Some people are just
naturally good with kids,
like Bill Cosby.
Like, he was so great with kids.
We forget that.
He was great with kids.
Women not so much,
but kids, just mmm!
I'm not--I mean,
I babysat for years,
'cause this family
just never came home, but...
That was difficult.
It's hard.
Babysitting is hard.
It's like, "Ugh."
'Cause it's like,
you're a mother,
but you don't love them,
so it's, like, hard to care.
You know what I mean?
I'm just like, "Your kid
doesn't look like me.
Like, I don't care
what happens."
Like, I wouldn't be mean,
but I was just like,
"You can go watch TV.
You're not gonna be president.
Let's be honest with ourselves.
Like, you know?"
I'm sure your kids
are different, though.
I--yeah, I just feel
like I'm past my prime
to have kids a little bit.
Like, I feel like I should have
done it in my teens.
Like, that would have
been the best time.
It's like they discourage it
almost exclusively,
but they shouldn't.
Like, when I was
in high school,
I was, like--
I was--I'm busy now,
but, like, what was
I doing then, you know?
Like, homework?
Not really.
Like, I had five years
to just do whatever I wanted,
you know?
All I did was eat cereal
and watch "Saved by the Bell."
Like, you can have a baby
through all of that.
It's a great time to do it.
First of all,
your body bounces right back,
so that's sweet.
Like, when you're 16
and you have a baby
at, like, 11:00 a.m., you can be
at cheerleading practice
at 4:00,
top of the pyramid,
ready to go.
Maybe not the top.
You're still a little leaky,
but you're there.
You could be there.
I'm sure you're suited up.
if I had a baby now,
like, my parents
couldn't help me at all.
They live in St. Louis.
I'm in L.A.
it would be too hard,
but if--if you're in high school
and you have a kid,
like, you live
with your mom and dad
or probably just your mom.
Let's be honest.
Yeah, your dad probably
split a while ago,
but your mom's there,
you know?
She's hanging out,
watching "Dr. Phil,"
something like that.
Like, I feel like
that's how she busies herself.
She can help.
She can--
You could just
hand the baby to her
and be like,
"Here, Mom, try again.
"He's yours now.
"Yeah, you kind of
fucked up the first time,
"since that's mine
and I can't drive, so...
"Yeah, his name's Mulligan.
"I really feel like
you can nail it this time
if you just, like, focus
and stop playing the lottery."
That would have been
a good time.
I'd have it over with too.
If I had a baby
when I was, like, 15,
she'd be 16 now, probably have
a granddaughter on the way.
Like, that would be
perfect for me.
I could handle life
as a nana, you know?
That's what I call my grandma,
'cause when I was little,
I couldn't pronounce
"old bitch,"
so that's what I came up with,
and that's...
No, she's sweet.
She wouldn't even hurt a fly,
'cause flies don't understand
verbal abuse,
so she would just, like,
keep screaming at it
and calling it fat,
and it would keep flying.
You know,
they can't hear, so...
No, I shouldn't do these jokes
till she's dead.
It's like,
I can't wait a week?
You know,
she's very sick,
but comedy comes first.
That's what she always said.
She never said that, but...
But, yeah, I just--I might
change my mind, though.
I think girls change their mind
about kids a lot.
I got to decide
kind of soon, though.
If I wait too long,
I'm gonna do a surrogacy,
'cause the longer you wait
as a woman,
the higher the risk that,
you know,
you won't get your body back,
and so I'm just gonna
put that on someone else.
It's also--
like, I just found out
that with a surrogacy,
you can give your egg
to a girl,
and then it comes out of her
looking like you.
I didn't know--I thought it had
to look like Juno or whoever.
Like, I didn't know that you
could just--I found this out.
I'm like, "Why doesn't
everyone do that?"
Like, I know
it's very expensive,
but, like, if you could do it,
why does anyone, like, say,
"I want to have my own?"
Because to me, that's like--
If someone was like,
"Hey, do you want me
to make you a pizza?"
And you're like, "No,
I want to do it myself,
"but thank you.
Yeah, I really want
to bond with my pizza."
I'd be like, "Really?
'Cause I can go make it for you.
"It'll taste the same
as if you make it,
"and also your vagina
won't be ruined,
so are you--you sure?"
I'm like,
"Please, make that.
Sounds gross,
but I'll eat it, but..."
But I do--there's some things
about having your own kid
that I would be like,
"Oh, that'd be fun."
Like, you can
make them do stuff
by telling them how long
you carried them.
Like, my mom used to do that
to get me to clean my room.
She'd be like,
"Will you clean your room?
I carried you
for nine months, come on."
It never really worked on me,
'cause I was like,
"Don't tell me I was
in there that long.
"Like, I know
how much you drink,
"and, like, I've never
seen you take a weekend off
"that I can remember.
"I doubt you went nine months
when you were 25.
"Like, I can do
the math, you know?
"Like, barely,
'cause you drank
while you were
pregnant with me, but..."
It's a struggle.
I have to go to Kumon
every night.
Oh, we got some Kumon fans
in the crowd.
What is the deal with Kumon?
I'm so confused by that place.
Okay, it's, like,
a tutoring place
that you're supposed
to send your kids,
but the sign--
the logo--
is a bummed-out smiley face.
It's so confusing.
It literally is, like,
a sad, depressed smi--
it's just like,
"Kumon," like...
I'm always like,
"What's going on?"
And I'm always peering in.
They're like, "Ah,"
as I get arrested,
but, like, you just, like--
I'm always like,
"What's going on at Kumon?"
They won't let you know,
but here's what I think
is happening.
I think it's, like,
a bunch of students, like,
at desks working on their stuff,
and then there's just,
like, tutors hanging over them
just like, "Kumon."
Like, that's all they say,
but it works.
I really hope that's it.
Please be it.
But, yeah.
So, yeah,
I might do a surrogacy.
It is--it is a--
it would be kind of fun,
because you get to hang out
with this chick all day.
You know,
she's having your baby.
Her name's Brenda
or whatever you name her.
You get to name your surrogate.
I heard that.
I think that's a thing.
Brenda seems fitting.
She's hanging out with you,
but your loved ones
are gonna want to know why.
Like, "Why--what's wrong?"
And, you know, you got to
tell them a good reason.
You can't just be like,
"Oh, I'm vain, so, you know...
You know that about me."
Like, you can't--
you have to have--
Like, you could say something
like, "Oh, I'm barren,"
and then bum everyone out,
you know?
Like, that's the worst word.
And I--honestly,
I don't want to say that,
'cause I think I might be,
and I don't want
to jinx it, you know,
like, I--
Yeah, it's a miracle
I haven't been pregnant yet.
Like, something--
not even a scare, you guys.
Like, I'm a little suspish.
Like, things aren't
working like they should.
Like, I--
I use the pill,
but, like, I take the pill
like people take fish oil.
Like, "Oh, this would be
good to do today."
Like, no,
every day, same time.
I can't remember,
so I switched to the IUD.
My doctor put me on the IUD,
and--which I don't know
if you've heard--
it's, like, the thing--
you just, like,
set it and forget it,
and you just--you don't have
to do anything.
You got to put it--
there's a two-year,
and then there's a five-year.
I went with
the five-year lease,
and gonna leave it in for ten,
roll the dice, you know,
just see what happens.
Like, there's no way I'm gonna
remember to take it out.
I'm definitely gonna die
with it inside me, but...
That's, like, certain,
you know?
No, it's, like, the most
painful procedure ever.
Like, I had no idea.
I blacked out during it,
'cause I was drunk,
but, like, the pain
was also probably a thing,
and it was--
it's so weird,
'cause then they do--
they do an ultrasound to, like--
which is--I'm like,
"This is why I'm here,
is to never have to put
jelly on my stomach,"
with a doctor like, "Whoa."
He's doing that.
He's showing me on the screen
where it is.
He's like,
"There it is."
I'm like, "Oh, my God,
it's so beautiful.
"Like, oh, my God.
"My future is so bright.
"Like, that's crazy.
all my disposable income,
"it's, like,
right in front of me.
"Like, so many naps.
Like, so many naps."
I had him print it up
so I could give it to my mom
and, like, ruin her day.
That was fun.
It was mean.
It was not nice.
She was like,
"No way,"
and I was like, "No way,
five years, maybe ten."
IUD, I recommend it.
I forgot what the name was
so many times.
Like, I kept saying other--
there's so many acronyms
in medicine.
For a while I was saying--
I was bragging to my friends,
like, "I got the new
five-year UTI.
Got it, yeah,"
And they're like,
"Why are you dancing?
"That sounds terrible.
"Here's all the cranberry juice
in the world.
You'll need it."
It's not an IED either.
That's--don't do that.
IUD--I remember it now,
'cause it's "DUI" backwards.
That's how my mom
taught me, so...
But, yeah, so I'm gonna--
I'm gonna do that.
I'm gonna--this is the thing
with a surrogacy.
If someone asks you
why you're doing it,
you could just make up
Like, no one
is a doctor, right?
So, like,
you could just say--
I mean, like,
some people are,
but, like, most people,
not doctors.
So, if they're like,
"Why are you doing a surrogacy?"
I can just be like,
"Oh, I'm just doing one...
"Actually, Brenda's
having my baby for me.
"I'm glad you asked.
"My vagina's too small
for a baby, so...
I mean, it's, like,
so tight in there that, like..."
"Well, I have TPS,
which is tight pussy syndrome,
"as you know, as--
You didn't know?
"Yes, it's, like--well,
the word 'pussy,' it is in it.
"I know that seems weird.
"It does,
but when it's this tight,
it's called a pussy.
"That's true, so...
"And I don't usually
tell people this,
"so could you just,
like, tell everyone?
"That would be great.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Come on, Brenda,"
And she's on a leash,
and we just walk off like,
But you got to sell it.
You got to walk like this.
[gasping and whimpering]
"So tight,
oh, the burden."
That's my dream.
I'm like, "Ugh,"
doesn't hurt.
I'm gonna do that.
But, yeah,
I don't want kids yet.
I don't want to get married.
It helps that my boyfriend
doesn't want to marry me,
so that's like--
That's convenient.
For a while, he was like,
"I don't want to get married
until gay people
can get married."
And then I was like,
"They can!"
He was like,
"Yeah, I never thought
that would happen, so..."
I was like,
"Oh, I thought that was weird
you were protesting
all those times, so..."
He doesn't want to get marr--
I don't really c--
I don't need, like,
a big reception.
I don't want a whole to-do.
I never want to have
to slow-dance with my dad
in front of all of my friends.
Like, that seems--
like, that's something
we do alone together,
and I don't want to ruin that.
Like, I feel--you know?
Thank you, yeah.
And, like, what if the band
doesn't know Ginuwine's "Pony"?
Are we supposed to just,
like, freestyle
to whatever they come up with?
That seems humiliating,
you know?
So, yeah.
So, yeah.
I also don't like the fact
that when you get married,
as a woman you just kind of
give up your last name.
Like, you really--it's nice
to take your husband's name,
but then you're like,
"Oh, this thing
"I've had my whole life
that's my whole identity
"that my great-grandparents
came through Ellis Island with?
"I'll just throw it
in the trash.
This guy seems cool.
Like, that's--
You really, like--
your name is nothing
after you get married.
All it is
is, like, your shithead son's
bank account
security question answer.
That's all your name is.
Only time it comes up, yeah.
And he's got to call you,
'cause he doesn't even know it.
that's the one call
you get from him a month.
"Mom, I'm locked
out of my account again.
Hey, what's your old name?"
He calls it an old name.
You're like,
"You mean my maiden name?"
He's like, "Whatever."
"Uh, Jones."
He's like,
"Can you spell it?"
And you're like,
"Fucking Doug.
Like, Jesus Christ."
"Why couldn't you stay a baby?"
That is weird
that that's the question
that they came up with.
Like, the banks were like,
"What worthless piece
"of information
could we ask for
"that no one would ever
know about this man
to protect his finances?"
And some guy's like,
"What about his mother's name?"
And they're like, "Perfect.
Who gives a shit, right?"
"His mother's name."
That's the question?
That's--so is that--
That seems like something
people should know about you,
but it's that question,
then your first concert.
So it's your name,
and then your son's
first concert are just--
Your name and Limp Bizkit
are just fighting
for the top spot.
So rude.
Your name really just--
you're just like,
"I don't really see it anymore."
Sometimes women get divorced,
but they keep
their ex-husband's last names
'cause they're just like,
"I just don't want
to go to the DMV.
"Like, I don't care.
"Like, I'll just live
with this man's name I hate
because I don't want
to wait in line."
Like, I get it.
'Cause your name disappears.
That's why I want to marry
someone with my same last name,
save the trouble.
Not a cousin,
'cause they're poor,
but, like, a--
like, uh--
like another Glaser.
I could find one and--
but if we had kids,
I would still make my kids
hyphenate their names
just to be a dick about it.
I don't know.
Like, they'd be like, "Mom,
why are we Glaser-Glaser?"
I'm like, "I don't know.
I want you to sound like
tiny little law firms, okay?"
That's--that's why.
"This is my son,
Cooper Glaser-Glaser
"and Associates.
His sister, Associates."
"It's a strange name, yeah."
But, yeah,
so I'm gonna do that.
But we've been together--
my boyfriend and I--
we've been together,
like, three years.
We've broken up,
like, three times,
but we always get back together,
so we're gonna make it,
and that's, like,
really promising.
No, it is.
It's been good.
He broke up with me once
'cause he kind of, like,
found out I was lying
about who I was
in the beginning
of our relationship
to kind of
trap him into one.
I was like, "I didn't know
I wasn't supposed to do that.
Like--but what if
I don't like me?"
I really was, like, pretending
to be this version of a girl
that he would fall
in love with.
You know, I was just
walking around like,
"What would Khaleesi do?"
Like, I just--
I didn't know what--
I was like, "He likes that show,
I think, you know?"
So I just, like,
walked around topless,
got a bunch of lizards.
I didn't
think it through, but...
I hid a couple things.
I wasn't lying about who I was.
I kind of put--I feel like
I put Spanx on my personality.
Like, I was just, like,
tucking some things in,
you know?
Here's a--like--
I don't know.
Like, he's a lot cleaner
than I am.
We were getting ready
for bed once,
and you know
when you're, like, first,
like, hanging out with someone
and you start sleeping over,
and your hygiene habits
kind of meet up,
and yours are just, like,
not really up to snuff?
But you just, like, fake it.
You're just like,
"I always brush them this long.
"That's cool, yeah.
"Oh, you get the bottoms?
That's neat.
I'll try that.
All right."
And then my arm is going numb.
He's still going.
I'm just like,
"Cool, we're still doing this?"
Like, I get through that.
I'm, like, headed
out of the bathroom.
He's like,
"You got to floss,"
and I was like,
"You got to floss.
What am I doing?
Okay, here we go."
I'm just like,
just gushing blood,
just like, "What?
"That's not--
this never happens.
"I must have hit something.
This is weird.
"This is the first time.
"Both ends are on our period.
Is that not right?
Don't say that.
So, yeah, he's--
we've been taking showers
together recently,
which is, like, mmm,
'cause I just think he, like,
wants me to shower more,
so that's cool.
I'll take what
I can get, like...
He's like, "Let's get in."
I'm like, "Whoo."
He's just, like, scrubbing
my back a little too much.
I'm like,
"What are you doing?"
And I was like,
"Do you want a blow job?"
He's like, "Let's get
your feet first."
I'm like,
"Okay, all right."
And I was like, "Do you have,
like, a foot fetish?"
He's like, "No, you have
a foot fungus,
"and you should get
this looked at.
It's of concern."
I'm like,
"It doesn't scrub off."
But he's, like, a clean freak.
You can't compete with that.
Like, he takes up to
three showers a week,
and it's like,
"We get it, Dr. Oz.
Like, ugh."
I don't know.
I just--I am
a very fast showerer.
He's always like, "How do you
get anything done in there?"
And I'm just like,
"You know what?
"I came from a house
"where we didn't shower
for very long,
"'cause we didn't have
a lot of hot water,
"and my dad watched us,
so, you know,
we just got in and out."
We all know
that family, so...
But it's been good.
I broke up with him
the first time
because we were
a year into our relationship,
and he would not say
"I love you."
A year in,
and I needed to hear it,
'cause my friends told me I did,
so that's when you know.
That's really when you know,
'cause I was, like,
trying to be cool
about it, like--
'cause friends
talk about that.
Girls are very aware of when
you're not saying "I love you."
It's, like,
first base for us.
When we get together
with our girlfriends,
we're not like,
"Oh, did you
finger him last night?"
Like, we don't
care about that.
Like, you know,
we're just like,
"Did he say 'I love you'?
When's he gonna say it?"
And, like, I didn't have
anything to tell them.
I was just--just trying
to play it cool.
I was like, "I don't need
to hear it, you know?
"I just--I know he does.
"Like, the way he, like,
high-fives me after sex,
"like, there's no question.
Like, you wouldn't
just do that."
They were like,
"Okay, well--well, does he--
does he talk
about the future at all?"
And I was like, "Yeah, you know,
like, flying cars, robots,
"like, climate change.
"We're all worried,
so he's no different,
you know?"
Oh, but they were so mad,
and so I went back to him.
I was furious too,
and I was just like,
"Why don't you love me?"
you know, like,
in a super lovable tone
and just, like,
crying in the street,
and he just didn't
want to say it.
He was sweet about it,
'cause he was very calm,
and it was just like--
he was honest, you know?
He was just like,
"I can't--I can't say it,"
and I was like,
"Okay, well, let's find
"a good speech therapist.
"Like, let's get you
in a program.
"Like, honestly, I thought
this was feelings for you,
"but clearly it's phonics,
"so this is, like,
such a relief.
"I know someone at Kumon.
This is gonna be great.
Come here, like..."
He really--he--
this is what he did say.
He was like--he was like,
"I can't say 'I love you.'"
I was like, "You just did.
I'll take it.
"Thank you so much.
You can stop right there.
That counts,"
But he was like, "No."
This is what he gave me.
He was like,
"I can't say 'I love you.'"
He was like,
"But I'm enthusiastic
about being with you."
one girl just goes...
Thank you so much.
You feel me.
I know.
Every girl in here is like,
"You poor bitch.
Like, oh, my God."
Thank you.
Every girl has that reaction,
and every guy is always like,
"That's one of the most sincere
things you could ever say.
That's better
than 'I love you.'"
"I'm enthusiastic
about being with you."
I'm like, "Oh, am
I Enterprise Rent-A-Car
"giving you a customer survey?
"Would you recommend me
to your friends
who are more
emotionally available?"
I've only had, really, two
serious boyfriends in my life,
and the first one definitely
did not say it on his own.
He was a blackout drunk
with a twin bed,
and that second part's
not really that important.
I just kind of
want to paint a picture.
He had a twin bed.
He was 30 with a twin bed,
and I would be like,
"Can you upgrade to a full
so I feel like a woman?"
all it takes, you know--
and he was like, "No,
it's an extra-long twin."
I was like, "Ooh,
a California twin, wow.
"Am I Rihanna?
So he would get blackout drunk
all the time.
We were long-distance.
He would get caught
making out with girls
in bars back home
where I was from.
My friends would see him.
They'd call me,
tell me about it.
I'd call him the next day
and be like, "What the fuck?"
He was like,
"I thought it was you,"
and I'm just like, "Aww."
Like, I was flattered.
Like, "Was she skinny?"
Like, ugh.
So he was the worst.
He came to visit me
for Valentine's Day,
and I was like, "Oh, my God,
he's so gonna say 'I love you.'
This is the trip,"
and I got ready.
I told all my friends.
I'm like, "This is it."
And it was a great night.
Like, we went to this
fancy dinner that I paid for,
and then we were,
like, in this alley,
and, like, I was rubbing
his back as he vomited,
and it was just, like,
everything I'd wanted,
and he just got really sick
and passed out,
and I was like,
"Oh, my God."
Like, he didn't say,
"I love you."
I think he may have said,
"I hate you."
It's like,
it was the worst time,
but I was like,
"Wait a second.
"When he gets blackout drunk,
"he doesn't remember
anything he does or says,
so I'll just make last night
whatever I want it to be."
So this is true,
I swear to God.
I woke him up the next morning,
and I was like,
"Hey, do you remember
what you said to me last night?"
He was like,
"No, I'm sorry, what?"
And I was like,
"No, you told me you love me."
And he was like,
"I did?"
And I was like, "Yeah,"
and he was like, "Okay,"
and that's it.
He started saying it
after that.
That's--I date-raped
my boyfriend into loving me.
That's what I did.
Thank you so much.
I took back the night.
So I--it was, like,
a pretty good plan.
I couldn't use it, though,
with my boyfriend now
because he doesn't drink,
so I was like,
"What am I gonna do?"
So this is how I got--
"How am I gonna get it?"
And this is how I got it.
I decided to ask him to say
"I love you"
as he was coming,
which is a great time.
That's a per--
Like, a guy will do anything
for you in that moment.
You just got to
time it perfectly.
I was just like,
"Tell me you love me."
He was like,
"I love you."
Like, it was just like,
"Ah, got it," you know,
just the once,
but I got it, you know?
So that was
pretty cool and--
'Cause I thought about it.
I was like,
"Oh, my God,
guys are so vulnerable
in that moment."
They will do anything
right before they come
up until they come.
Like, he--
I feel like my boyfriend
would, like, take a bullet
to the brain for me.
He would jump in front
of a train for me.
He would do anything
in a Bruno Mars song,
pretty much,
is what I'm saying.
Like, definitely.
I feel like Bruno Mars
must write all his lyrics
before he comes.
Like, that's the only way
he feels those things.
And then it is
a sharp drop-off after that.
Right after he comes,
I feel like he's--
in one second,
he'd do anything for me,
and then he's like...
And then it's just like,
I feel like he's like,
"What have I done?"
Like he just--
he wants to pretend
it didn't happen.
We can't really talk about it.
I'm like,
"Tell me about my clit."
He's just like, "No."
Like, he doesn't--
I want to talk.
He's off getting a towel.
I'm like,
"You can let it marinate.
I don't care.
Like, this is fine."
He's, like,
dabbing me off.
I'm like,
"Are we having company?
Like, what's the rush?"
I'm like, "You know
this was consensual, right?
What are you doing?"
He's so ashamed.
He tries to close me
like a laptop.
I'm like, "I'm a real woman
with feelings and thoughts
"and a career.
You can't do this."
[cheers and applause]
I think it's porn.
I think that's what
makes guys so ashamed
after they come sometimes,
'cause they're used to just
watching disgusting things.
They're like, "Whoa,
that didn't happen."
But it did.
You did it,
and it's like, I get it.
Like, I don't mind
that guys watch porn.
I've--they all watch it,
and I don't care
that my boyfriend watches porn.
Like, I'm on the road a lot,
so sometimes I'll ask him
to send me the porn
he's about to jerk off to,
and then I'll sit there
and watch it,
like, just knowing
that he's jerking off to it.
Like, I think it's, like,
romantic, 'cause I'm like...
Somewhere out there
Like we're looking
at the same moon, you know?
It's beautiful kind of.
I'm not, like, totally--
like, I don't love porn.
I watch it sometimes,
mainly for tips.
Like, I'm always looking for,
like, new tricks
I can try, you know?
Especially when
it comes to blow jobs.
I'm always like--I feel
like I'm not very good at them,
so I'm always like--
I'll check out a blow job video
on, like, the front page,
like, something very mild.
I'll be like,
"Okay, this seems cool,"
and I'll just take some notes.
Like, "What are these gals
gagging about?"
And just like--
you learn some things.
You're like,
"Oh, okay, use both hands.
"I can do that.
That seems cool.
"All right.
"Look terrified, all right,
I'll give it a whirl.
"Wouldn't be
the first time, you know?
"Be fun to revisit, okay.
"Choke to death,
perfect, okay.
That's how I'm gonna go, then."
Like, it's, like, violent stuff
on the front page.
You don't even have to
dig for this stuff.
Every porno is just like...
It's, like,
a girl just, like, dying.
When did this happen?
I feel like
I took a break from porn,
and then it's all
just slobber now.
It's like, these girls
have so much saliva,
and I'm like,
"I don't have that much."
Like, it's making me insecure.
I'm like, "These bitches
look like Saint Bernards."
Like, I don't have those,
like, frothy, foamy strands.
I'm like, "Do I need
an extra gland or something?"
Like, what?
I got to be wet up here now?
Like, it's just too much.
I hate the way porn
has made me feel
throughout my life.
I started watching porn
when it first came out in '98,
and it made me feel sad.
I hadn't even kissed a boy,
and I was like,
"I have to do that?"
Like, and then I didn't
watch it forever,
and then I checked back in
on it when I, like,
started being interested in,
like, having sex.
I was like, "Maybe I'll try it,"
and then I was watching it,
and I saw porn vaginas,
and I was like,
"Mine doesn't look like that."
Have you seen porn vaginas?
They're just, like,
these tiny, little--
It's like,
God's little whisper.
It's just, like,
a little suggestion.
It's--it literally is--
sometimes I'm like,
"Does that girl just
have a paper cut down there?
Like, is that--looks
like it would hurt."
Like, it's just these tiny--
I haven't looked like that
since I was seven,
to be honest.
Like, I remember.
I didn't know
those were my glory days.
I should have
just stared at it more
and been like,
"You got it, girl."
Like, that would
have been amazing.
I squandered my youth.
But, yeah,
those porn vaginas
made me so sad
about my own,
because, man, my vagina
doesn't look like that,
and I hated it for a while.
I just--
I was, like, so furious.
Every time I looked at it,
I wanted to punch it.
I was just like, "Ugh!"
And it looked like it had been
punched several times,
so that's what's
weird about that.
I was like,
"Why make it worse?"
Sometimes I see it,
and I'm just like,
"Were you in
a street fight earlier?"
Like, it just is, like--
picking gravel out.
Like, "Oh, God," but...
Do you know what I'm talk--
but, like, you--
some of you
have vaginas like mine,
like, where you're just
like--you're like--
Like, it looks like it's trying
to escape kind of?
Like, do you know what I mean?
Don't be ashamed.
I have it too.
It's like--it's--
you could ask me,
"How's it hanging?"
Some days, and that's fine.
That's--that's my body.
You go to get a wax,
and she has to go through it
like a Rolodex.
"Okay, let's go."
No one? Just me?
Great, feeling great
about my body again.
Thanks so much.
No, I do--
I feel fine about it now.
When I was in college,
I was, like,
saving up money to get surgery,
and that seems crazy,
but a lot of girls do this,
and now I'm like,
"No way,"
'cause I was so scared.
I was just like, "No one's gonna
see it until I can fix it,"
and then I got drunk,
and I was like, "Everyone in!"
Like, I was like,
"Look at it.
Isn't that hilarious?"
Like, you get drunk,
and you're just like--
then you have sex
and no one cares.
No guy has ever complained.
I--like, it's--
as long as it's clean
and you share it with them,
like, they don't care.
They don't care.
So now I'm not touching my--
it's good.
It's--you know,
it's not great.
You know,
it's like Venice.
You know, it's a little
hard to get to,
but the canal is amazing,
and that's what I focus on.
It's the infrastructure.
A lot of Italians
have been in it.
It's like, you know...
So that's my vagina.
Had to cover that.
But, yeah, I don't know.
I don't--I'm not bothered
by porn as much anymore.
My boyfriend got me
into porn, the industry.
It's been pretty lucrative.
It's--I'm just
dipping my toe in,
you know, just--
that's what I do.
I dip my toe
in girls' vaginas.
That's--it's very niche,
very niche.
You know that's a type of porn.
Like, that--that's probably
a very popular type of porn.
There are, like,
at least three guys in here
who are like, "I can't believe
I haven't seen her yet.
That's weird."
Because, like, I don't know.
We've been watching porn
together a little bit and--
'cause we finished
"Friday Night Lights,"
so that's what--that's what
Netflix wanted for us and--
So we've been
watching porn together,
and he's--he wants to watch
what I want to watch,
so he's like, "What are you
into?" and I'm like,
"Well, if it were up to me,
we would watch a 'TMZ' clip
"of Zac Efron
getting out of a car.
"Like, that's what
treats Mommy right, you know?"
Like, that's fine for me,
but in terms of porn,
like, I just--
there's nothing--
there's been a couple videos
that I'm like,
"Oh, I like that,"
but I always stumble into them.
I wouldn't know
how to search for it.
It's too weird that--
I don't even know
how to describe what I like."
He was like, "Try me.
Like, I'll find it."
'Cause apparently he's, like,
the Edward Snowden of porn.
Like, he can just hack into--
like, find anything.
It's very impressive
watching him.
He's always got,
like, eight screens up
all buffering
at different times,
so as soon
as one gets boring,
the next one is, like--
the money shot is seconds away.
Like, it's very--
it's orchestrated.
But he was like,
"Describe it.
Come on, I'll find it,"
and I was like,
"Okay, of the porn I've seen,
the--the ones I like are,
"like, the videos
where the girl,
"she isn't really quite
into it at first, you know?
"She's a little bit like,
'I don't know,' you know,
"but then she,
like, gets into it,
but, like, at first, she's just,
like, a little reluctant,"
and he was like,
"Oh, yeah, reluctant porn."
He starts
typing in "reluctant."
I'm like,
"What are you doing?"
He's like,
"Reluctant porn."
I'm like,
"That's not a type."
He's like, "Yeah, it is,"
and it is.
Oh, it is.
It is--there's
so much reluctant porn
with "reluctant"
in the titles.
I mean, it's just like,
"Hot reluctant sluts,"
and I'm just like,
"One of those words
is not like the other, porn.
"Like, that doesn't--
that one.
"Where did you
learn that word?
"Have you been
attending night school?
Like, what?"
Reluctant, it's very hot.
You should look it up.
It's--if you want--
if you don't want to,
if you're a little
reluctant to do so,
I do--I do a pretty sick
impression of reluctant porn,
so here we go.
So this is all reluctant porn.
"No, okay."
Like, that's it.
That's--that is it.
Yeah, slight hesitation,
full commitment, yes.
Mostly casting couch,
so check it out.
But I was just, like--
I was so shocked.
Oh, my God, you can find
any type of porn.
I was like,
"Put in the word 'facetious.'
let's just put it in.
let's see what we get."
You know, I think I had just
learned how to spell that word,
so I was, like,
showing off or whatever,
so it's like, "Put it in."
And so I spelled it for him.
I was like,
"'Face' and then 'tious,'
and then put it together,"
and he was like, "Face tits?"
And I was like,
"I'm sure that's a thing,
but, no, 'facetious.'"
So he put it in,
and there were three videos
with "facetious" in the title.
It was crazy
with three, and so--
it was just a black girl
named Facetious,
but you know what?
That counts.
She's amazing.
She's really good.
She fucks sarcastically,
so that's, like, her thing
that she--
Check her out.
Check her out.
But I've learned a lot
from porn dirty talk-wise.
Not, like, physically.
I just--my MO is,
I kind of just lay there.
Like, I'm a bottom, you know?
Like, I just--
and I'm enjoying myself.
I don't want to change.
Like, I like being on bottom.
I'm--I'm not
a dead fish.
I just--I hate
when guys call me that.
I think that's rude.
Dead fish?
"Dead fish."
I'm like, "What?"
No, no, no, I'm like,
a fish on its way out.
Like, that's--
I'll give you that.
Like, I'm not doing great,
but, like, dead?
Maybe someone just needs
to clean my tank, you know?
Like, that's--
That's what I call
going down on me.
Thank you so much.
That's really disgusting.
Please tonight,
if you get gone down on,
like, just say to yourself,
just for me, just go,
like, "Yeah, you clean
that fucking tank,"
just, like, for me.
make you feel good.
I know.
I feel like I'll feel it,
you know?
Like, my ear will tingle.
I'm like, "Yeah, girl's
getting her tank cleaned.
Clean it.
Clean it."
I love that.
So I--if you're lazy
in bed like I am,
you kind of got to bring it
when it comes to dirty talk,
'cause I'm rarely, like,
on top doing things
that are impressive.
If I'm ever on top,
I always do reverse cowgirl,
'cause you can pretend his legs
are Zac Efron's a lot easier
than his dumb,
stupid head, so...
But if you're on bottom
just chilling,
say some good stuff.
Like, I--now I have
lines to say.
Before, I didn't.
I would just be put on the spot,
and I couldn't think
of anything.
He'd be like,
"What do you want?"
And I'd be like,
"To check my phone?
I mean,
to check your dick."
And he's like, "What?"
I'm like, "For crabs?
I don't know, okay?
I'm sorry."
So go in with a plan,
and that's where porn comes in.
You watch porn,
you steal a line from that,
and you use it,
and I steal from Sasha Grey.
She's my favorite porn actress.
She's amazingly filthy.
Look at you all pretending
not to know who that is.
That's amazing.
She's awesome.
She's so, like,
poetically filthy,
and I stole one of her,
like, mild lines
from one
of her Disney porns...
And the line was,
"You own this pussy."
I was like, "That's great.
I'll use that.
"You know,
I've been looking
"to sell this thing off
for a while anyway,
so, please, someone, take it."
So I said that.
I decided to say that,
and so we're doing it,
and I'm, like, gearing up,
and I was just like,
He's back there and--
Just want to set the scene.
He's back there,
and I--and I--
and by the way,
I was not even
doing doggy style.
Like, that's--
even for me,
I'm like, "I don't want
to plank right now.
Like, can we not?"
I'm always like, "Can we
turn doggy into walrus?
"Can we, like, make this
a little bit more comfy
"for old Glasedog?
"Like, I just--
like, I don't want to--
"I don't want to
engage my core right now,
if that's cool.
So he's doing it,
I'm walrusing,
and he--
things are going great,
and out of nowhere,
I was just like,
"You own this pussy,"
and he was like, "What?"
And I was like, "You heard me,"
and he was like, "Okay."
And he's, like, nervous,
'cause he's, like,
a first-time pussy owner.
Like, I think he had just
rented before, apparently.
It can be nerve-racking,
you know?
So he was like, "Ah,"
and I was excited.
I was like, "Ah!"
And to be honest,
I really thought
that I would say,
"You own this pussy,"
and he would just,
like, immediately finish.
Like, he would just be
like, "I love you!"
Like, "Ah!"
But it didn't happen that way.
He, like, needed
a lot more from me.
Like, that was--
it was hot,
but he, like,
needed me to say more things,
and I didn't have
anything else to say.
That's all I had
written on my hand,
so I was just kind of like,
"You own this pussy."
So I just started
repeating myself,
which works at first.
You know, you're like,
"You own this pussy."
He's like, "Yeah, I do."
"You own this pussy."
"Yeah, I do."
"You own this pussy."
"Okay, uh, pretty aware
of that by now.
Care to expound
on the situation whatsoever?"
And I was--I had not--
so I'm just like,
"Uh, it's in escrow.
We just--
we just put it in es--"
I don't know what that means.
I'm just grasping at
loose real estate terminology.
"There's a spacious
eat-in kitchen.
"If you just
contact Janet Russo
to set up a showing,
He's like, "Are you giving me
my aunt's number?"
I'm like, "I don't know.
She's the only
real estate agent I know."
I'm like,
"Check out the mudroom.
"It's right above you,
if you so dare.
Come on, please?"
Oh, God,
do you guys do it?
I do.
I love it.
I don't--I mean, it's fi--
It's good.
You should try it.
And I always feel weird
saying that I've done it,
'cause people,
I just feel, are like,
"Mm, we didn't
need to know that,"
or they're like,
"I would never do that."
But here's the thing.
I've done research.
33% of women have done it,
so, like, all of these girls.
That's just, like, crazy,
'cause I wouldn't think
you've done it,
but you have.
These are facts,
so that's, like, so weird, Mom.
It's like, just knowing
that you've done that.
I do learn a lot.
I love sex facts.
I love finding things out.
Like, squirting is, like,
such an anomaly to me.
I can't do it.
I've been trying.
We're trying,
so thank you.
Thanks, that's so sweet,
you guys.
He wants to get a surrogate,
but, you know...
No, I can't do it.
I just found recently, though,
that, like, squirt is,
like, mostly pee.
It's, like,
very diluted urine,
which is, like,
such a relief to me
'cause now I get to say,
"Oh, I squirted the bed
until fourth grade."
Like, that seems a lot cooler.
I'm like, "I was a sexy
fourth grader," you know?
Like, that's so cool of me.
I learn a lot of things.
I don't--sexuality doesn't
come naturally to me.
I just feel like, "Blah!"
So, like, I had to,
like, learn how to be--
like, I know
that guys love it
when they find out
you're not wearing underwear.
Like, that's
super hot to them,
and I just, like,
always wear underwear.
It's, like, my thing and--
you guys get it.
And--but I just, like--
I've never done--
the other day, first time,
no underwear the whole day,
and it was--
you know, just 'cause
I shit my pants
at this Starbucks,
but it was like,
once I ditched that thong
in that bathroom,
I was like, "Hello.
I'm sexy."
I was like, "Anything
can happen," so...
I'm down to try
a lot of stuff.
My boyfriend does
some pretty kinky things.
He did this recently,
just during--
like, surprised me with it.
Not at--not, like,
in a vicious way.
Like, it was a very light--
he might have been
checking my pulse,
to be honest.
I'm not really sure.
I was very relaxed,
but it was just,
like, a light one.
But he didn't say anything
when he did it.
He just did it,
and then we were just like,
"Hey," like,
just staring at each other.
You got to say something.
You just can't be like, "Oh."
I was like,
"Ahh," like...
And I didn't say anything,
'cause I couldn't,
and I was like,
"After you."
And I could tell he panic--
like, he didn't
think about saying--
so he was just like,
"I'm gonna kill you."
I was like, "What?
No! Get off!"
And he was like,
"Is that too much?"
I'm like,
"Yes, it's too much.
Jesus Christ."
Thank you so much.
Oh, my boyfriend
bought me a sex swing.
I did not ask for one.
He surprised me with it.
I got back from the road,
and he, like,
walked me in the bedroom
and was like,
and I was like,
"Are you living
with a handicapped woman
that needs to get
in and out of bed?"
Like, it's--
it's a big apparatus
with all these straps.
I mean, it--
it really looks like
how they fed the velociraptors
in "Jurassic Park,"
like, when they
lower the cows down,
and then they come back up
just, like, swinging straps.
You guys know.
That's a sex swing,
I think.
I'm pretty sure.
It's really--it's fun.
It's great.
I know why he got it:
because he's, like,
tired of doing all the work
'cause I just lay there,
so he's like--'cause you--
I just, like,
plop in this thing,
and then he just taps it once,
and then you're just,
like, fucking forever.
Like, it's just
perpetual motion after that.
It's like the bird
dipping in water of sex.
It's just like...
you'll just fuck forever
until a scientist
comes and stops you.
I don't know why
that has to happen.
But, yeah,
it's pretty fun.
It's more fun
when he goes to work,
and I just get to
hang out in it all day
and just spin around,
pretend I'm like Pink
at the Grammys.
I'm just like, "Ah."
Like, I'm just--
it's so good.
You just spin and spin.
It's awesome.
It's awesome--
okay, I found the box for it.
He, like, hid the box and--
which was weird,
'cause I found the box.
I'm like,
"You know I didn't think,
"like, Santa
put this together?
Like, elves
were making this?"
But he--I found the box,
and he hadn't, like,
opened the whole box,
because on the box, it said,
"Free blindfold inside,"
and I was like,
"Yes, a sleep mask."
You know, like,
I love sleep masks.
I love--
I wear them on planes.
I need them.
I'm a connoisseur.
I leave them on planes
all the time, though,
and so this one I've been
wearing, it's so good.
It's the best one I've ever had,
this sex swing blindfold.
So it blocks out
all the light.
It does say
"cum slut" on it,
but I'm like,
that's who I am,
so you know,
far be it from me
to deny Southwest
that information, you know?
It is weird when we land
and I wake up,
and I'm like,
"I hope that's drool.
"Like, I really--
I hope it's drool.
Please be drool."
I've said that so many times
in my life, "Please be drool."
I don't know why.
It's a weird thing to say.
I am, like, obsessed
with talking about sex.
I apologize if it's not
your thing, but, like, come on.
It's, like, so fun,
and, like, we're all having sex,
but we don't really,
like, talk about it.
Like, we'll be like,
"Oh, yeah, I've had sex before."
Like, we'll admit that,
but we won't be like,
"Oh, yeah, I've been like..."
But that's, like,
what you look like.
No one admits that.
They're like,
"No, I look cooler."
No, you don't.
You're just like...
Like, that's--
it's just a bunch of,
like, skin,
like, shaking.
It's so gross,
and you all look like it.
We all do, but, like--
the only thing
that, like,
differentiates us
is like, we put on clothes,
and we're like,
"Nope, I've never done that."
Like, as soon as
you're not naked,
you can be like,
"No, I don't do that.
What are you talking about?
I'm a princess."
Like, that's what's separating
us, is just clothes.
Like, you can give, like,
a sloppy blow job and put on,
like, some jeans
and a tank top and be like,
"I've never sucked a dick
in my life.
What are you talking about?
Nope, not me."
And it's like,
"Yes, you have."
If you've worn a tank top,
male or female,
you've sucked some dicks.
Like, that's just a fact
of tank tops, I think, yeah.
I love it, though.
I'm always, like--
I love to picture people,
like, what they're into.
Pregnant women are my favorite,
'cause you're like,
"I know you doing it.
"Like, you got stuffed.
She got stuffed."
Like, you know it,
and then you--
Oh, you can find out,
like, exactly when she had sex.
Like, all you have to do is ask,
like, "When are you due?"
Or pretend you care
or whatever,
and then you just
do some light math,
and you count back nine months,
and you're like, "July.
"You were just like, like,
[grunting] like, in July.
You were getting it."
"You love it."
"Yeah, you should be
ashamed of yourself."
Like, I love that.
That's the thing
about being pregnant.
Like, you--if you tell
your parents you're pregnant,
like, you're pretty much like,
"Dad, Chris came inside me.
Come here."
"I kept it in."
Like, that's--
No, I don't want
to do that.
Ah, God, creeps have ruined the
smile compliment, by the way.
Like, it's done.
You can't--
'cause girls, you'll just be
walking down the street,
and guys will tell you to smile.
It's just the worst.
We've all--
it's happened to all of us.
There's only, like,
two of you who actually do it,
but you've ruined it
for everyone.
Most guys don't do this,
but girls'll just--
you'll just be walking
down the street by yourself,
you know, not smiling,
'cause you're not a lunatic...
Who's just smiling
for no reason.
Who's this giddy bitch?
Just like, "Yeah."
If I saw that,
I'd be like,
"Did you just
get into DeVry, ma'am?
"Like, what's going on
in your life that's..."
"Did you just find
a new feminine wipe
"that fits your busy lifestyle?
"That's what I thought.
How fun."
So insane.
You don't see girls
smiling and walking,
but these guys cannot take it.
They are just so upset
that you're not smiling,
and they stop you,
and they're just like,
"Oh, can you smile pretty?
"Aw, can I get a smile?
You'd be prettier
if you smiled."
Like, it's always
some version of that,
and I never want to,
'cause, you know,
it's just like,
I just got off the phone
with my mom or something,
so I'm just like, "Ugh."
And--or just life.
You're just like--
and they always say it,
and I always do.
I'm always just like,
"Here you go.
Like, is this
what you wanted?"
I'm just like--
it hurts,
but you do it,
because if you don't,
they rape you,
and that's true.
That's true?
Haven't tried it.
Like, don't risk it.
That's--it's a little rapey
to be like, "Smile,"
and you're just like, "Okay."
That's how you know
if something's rapey.
If a girl told you to do it,
would you do it?
Certainly not.
If a girl was like,
"Hey, smile, honey,"
I'd be like,
"No, you go smile.
"Look into a mirror if you want
to see a girl smile.
I'm gonna be on my way."
But a guy, I'm just like,
"Is this the least I could do
to not get raped right now?
That's so great, thank you.
I feel safe."
I don't--I'm not,
like, up here
like, "Fucking men."
I'm not up here
fucking men either, but...
My career took
a different path, but...
I don't like how women
are marketed to.
Feminine wipes.
I talked about those before,
and I could tell
you guys were like,
"Please get back to that."
"We need more."
I just read your energy.
It's pretty cool.
Feminine wipes are these things
we're supposed to carry around,
'cause they're like,
"Hey, your vagina smells
"like it's supposed to,
and it's grossing everyone out.
Can you fix it, please?
Thank you."
And we're like, "Okay,
I'm so sorry to ruin the party."
People are buying these.
I don't know anyone who does,
but I just don't understand
why those exist,
yet ball wipes, we're like,
"Nah, that's cool,
we don't need them."
I don't want balls
to smell different,
but it's just like, we should be
equally shamed, you know?
Like, a fun,
portable ball wipe?
Like, why can't that
be a thing?
I don't--
this is the thing.
I don't want your balls
to smell good.
I like the--I don't, like,
like the way they smell,
but I'm like--
I'm not like, "Mmm."
I don't want it, like,
wafting through
my foyer, but, like--
I'm not dragging my boyfriend
into Yankee Candle like,
"Can you guys match this scent?
Is there a way?
"With, like, a touch of taint?
Like, just, like, a...
"Cool, okay,
I'll leave you here.
I'll be at
Piercing Pagoda, bye."
Like, no.
I don't like--I don't enjoy
the scent, the aroma,
but I like that balls smell
exactly how they look.
Like, that's...
There's something
cool about that.
They're just so authentic.
They're comfortable
with who they are.
They're like,
"Just, this is who I am.
Like, take it or leave it."
Like, I love that.
There's nothing in nature that
looks it smells more than balls,
and so they shouldn't
smell good.
You shouldn't
put anything on them,
because we know
that things are supposed
to look how they smell.
We all know that
from Febreze commercials.
You know, where a person--
they set a person
in a hoarder's apartment,
and they blindfold them,
and they're like,
"Where am I?
"Am I in a whispering meadow?
What's happening?"
And there's, like,
a rat crawling behind them
in some trash.
They're like, "What's that?
Is that a bubbling brook?
What's going on back there?"
Then they take it off.
They're like, "Aah!"
Like, it psychologically
fucks you up.
Don't Febreze your balls.
Like, there's
no amount of smell--
I'm not gonna close my eyes
when I'm down there and be like,
"Am I in an Arabian spice
market tonight?"
Like, no.
It's--I know where I am.
Your dick is in my eye.
Like, that's--
I don't really know why.
But, like, everyone knows
about ball smell.
It's--it's funny to me
that they attacked
women's smell first,
because ball smell
has been around forever.
Even before I knew
what balls were,
I knew what ball smell was.
Like, I knew balls smelled,
and so did you.
Think about it.
You're a kid, right?
And you walk into a room
that smells a little weird.
You turn to your friend,
and you're like,
"It smells like balls
in here, right?"
Like, that's...
That's a phrase
that was based on your balls
to convey a generic funk smell.
Like, it's been around--
Your grandma could be like,
"It smells like balls in here."
You'd be like, "That's
absolutely right, Grandma.
"Like, that's a normal thing
for you to say right now,
because it does smell
like balls in here."
Like, I think Chaucer wrote it.
That's been
around forever, so...
So, yeah,
don't Febreze your balls.
You guys have been so great.
Thank you so much.
Here is the last thing
I'll say.
[cheers and applause]
Thank you.
You guys are like,
"Okay, fine."
You're, like, mad at
the one person who started it.
I get it.
I've been in an audience before.
"Really? Again?"
I was having sex recently
with my boyfriend and--
I hate saying "boyfriend,"
'cause it's not like,
Like, I hate it.
My ex--my future
ex-fianc and I were--
We can get there and--
No, we were
doing it recently,
and he said the funniest thing.
And this is how I know
he watches porn a lot,
because out of nowhere
he just goes,
"What would you do
for this dick?"
Great question.
I was like--
love it.
It's like,
"Are you Terry Gross?
This is amazing."
"What would you do
for this dick?"
He doesn't talk like that
either, by the way.
Like, like, why do you
sound like Batman right now?
It's just like,
"What would you do
for this dick?"
And I was like, "I didn't know
your dick was a Klondike Bar.
Let's start there.
Like, I don't have a plan."
I was like,
"I'd do a silly dance?"
And he's like, "Please stop.
It's going down."
I was like, "Okay."
I didn't know what to say.
He asked it at the wrong time.
You should ask that question
before you have sex, right?
Like, "What would you do
for this dick?"
He's, like, across the room.
He's just dangling it,
and I'm just like,
Like, that's--
that's the way.
I'm just like, like...
[panting and gasping]
That's how I get,
real dick hungry.
But I just--he asked it
while I had it.
He's like, "What would you do
for this dick?"
I was like, "Whatever I did
ten minutes ago?
"That seemed to work.
Sit on your couch
and eat Thai food?"
"Mmm, wait till
'Shark Tank' is over?"
Like, there's not
a lot of hurdles
between me and your dick,
you know?
Like, I didn't know
what to say.
I hope he asks me again,
because I just wasn't prepared,
which he won't, because
I've done this joke, so...
But if he does, I would--
I--if he says, like,
"What would you do
for this dick?"
I'd, like, press play
and be like,
I would walk 500 miles,
and I would--
Like, 'cause I would.
I love it.
I do.
I love--I love it.
It's my best friend.
I really--I love
doing dick tricks.
Like, it's--dicks
are so funny to me,
and they're so fun
to play with,
and, like, when you're
with a guy long enough,
you just, like, start to,
like, do some weird stuff.
I'm always just like,
"How you doing?"
Like, I just, like,
talk to it,
and he'll be like,
"What are you saying?"
I'm like,
"This doesn't concern you!"
And I'll just be like,
"This is just between us."
Like, I'll just
do funny things.
It's fun for everyone,
you know?
Just talk to it.
But here's those--
here are some dick tricks
that I just want
to share with you.
Okay, so first one is,
okay, so, like,
before you have sex,
when he's just,
like, soft or whatever,
you just take his dick,
and you just, like,
pretend that it's a hose
that's out of control,
and you're just like,
"Whoa! Whoa!"
Like, it's so fun.
He won't like it at first,
but it gets it going.
Like, you know,
like, he can't--
you're playing with it,
you know?
He'll roll his eyes,
then he does--
then you know
he's into it, so...
The water
starts pumping, so...
And then the other one
is post sex, okay?
This is kind of gross,
but, okay,
you know,
after they do it,
there's, like,
a little bit still on it?
I always like to go,
"Ooh, I forgot my lip gloss,"
and just put it on
and be like,
"Ready to go."
It's so fun.
Do it.
You got to do it.
Promise me you'll do it.
Oh, God.
So, yeah, I just--
dicks are so fun to me.
I like to compliment
my guy's dick.
Like, I did that very early on
in our relationship.
I complimented him,
and I learned that
there's only so many things
you can say about a dick
that guys want to hear.
There's, like, two things.
You can be like,
"Oh, it's so big,"
or like, "Owie."
Like, that's kind of it.
Like, don't stray
too far outside of that,
but that's hard because, like,
sometimes they're not huge.
Like, my boyfriend, not huge--
average, perfectly average.
I love it.
It's wonderful.
But it's average, and you can't
celebrate that, you know?
You can't be like, "Oh, my God,
it's so fucking expected.
Like, oh, yes, fill me up
with that adequate cock."
Like, you know,
that's not good, so...
So you lie.
You lie, you know?
Like, you're in the moment,
and--we were in the moment,
and I was just like,
"It's so big,"
and he was just like,
"Oh, is it?"
"It's so big?"
And I was like, "Yeah."
And he was like, "We're looking
at the same thing right now.
"Come on.
So big?"
I'm like, "Can you just,
like, suspend disbelief
"for, like, 15 seconds maybe
and think to yourself, like,
"'Well, maybe she's only
seen baby dicks.
"'Like, she worked in nursery
her whole life
"'and never got a date.
Like, maybe that's it.'"
But he was like,
"Don't lie."
I'm like,
"Okay, fine, I won't,"
and then I just stopped
complimenting it altogether,
'cause I was like,
"I can't say anything."
But then I realized, "Oh, wait.
I can say it's perfect.
That's what I'll say."
'Cause that's not a lie.
I think it's perfect.
So now I say it's perfect.
So, if you've heard
your dick is perfect,
it's average or below average.
So that's just a thing
I want you to know.
And your lady
has found a loophole.
But I really--I don't care
that much about dick size.
I know it's a thing,
but I don't know.
If I love someone enough,
I really don't care,
and my friends are like,
"Yeah, right."
And I'm like,
"I really--I don't."
And they're like,
"What if he had a micropenis?"
And I'm like, "I don't know.
There's other things."
Like, you can work around it.
Like, you can cheat on him.
You can use toys.
No, there's other things
you can--you have your hands.
You have your tongue.
You know, at least you don't
have a microtongue, you know?
Celebrate that.
If you have a micropenis,
just be proud
of your big tongue,
'cause if you had,
like, a tiny little...
How gross would that be
if a guy was like,
"Hey, baby,"
like a little gecko,
but he just had a huge cock,
but he's like...
You'd be like,
"Where's micro? I need him."
Like, that is so gross.
So at least your tongue's cool,
you know?
I did get in trouble for lying.
You shouldn't lie,
and I know that.
He was--we talked
about it a lot.
My boyfriend was like,
you know, "Don't lie"--
Like, girls don't know
because they don't
get compliments down there,
so they, like,
don't get it,
what it feels like
to be lied to.
And I was like,
"Yeah, you know, I'd--
we'd like some, you know?"
And he was like,
Like, what would--
what would I even say?"
"I don't know.
Like--like, we're tight
or whatever?"
He was like, "Really?
"I wouldn't even
think to say that.
That's crazy.
I'm like, "To me
or girls in general?
Like, what's the vibe here?"
And he was like,
"No, babe, you're perfect."
And I was like, "Yes, okay.
"Oh, fuck you, okay?
That's mine."
He was like, "Owie?"
I'm like, "Enough."
New York, thank you so much
for coming out tonight.
You're so great.
Thank you, thank you,
thank you.
I love you.
Thank you.
- I do not take,
I do not take
No matter how you shine
I cannot take a gift
that isn't true
I love myself,
I love myself
Too much to love you
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,
ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,
ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh