Nine Months (1995) Movie Script

All right.
Toast time.
All right.
Um, this is,
amazingly enough, to us.
Five incredible,
incredible years.
Come here.
Brendan, we're leaving
in five minutes, sweetie.
Do you want more?
No, thanks.
No. I've had lots.
No. Not lunch.
I mean
more for us.
By which you mean
the big "M"...
Marriage, huh?
Well... yeah.
Um, I'm over 30,
and I feel like
something's missing.
O.K. Well,
you know, what?
What could possibly
be missing?
Let's look at that,
because, you know,
we live in
a fantastic apartment.
My practice
is really good.
We get on better
than most married couples.
Life is dangerously close
to perfection actually,
so, uh, why would you
want to change things?
Why change
what's perfect?
Uh, new toast.
To stability.
Oh, God!
Shit, honey.
I hit a guy. Come on!
Are you all right?
Excuse me, ma'am.
I know CPR.
You're conscious! I thought
you were French kissing.
I was trying to scream.
Don't get up.
He's all right.
It's under control,
madam. Thank you.
Does your head hurt?
Are you nauseated?
Open your eyes!
Wide! Wide!
Your pupils
aren't dilated.
You're O.K.
I brought you back!
He's O.K. Let him up.
All right.
Whoa. Sorry, buddy.
No. Careful.
No lawsuit.
Good. No lawsuit.
Yeah. Marty Dwyer.
Samuel Faulkner.
How you doing?
Good to meet you.
A big wind
came along and bam!
Cracked you
on the noggin,
but I guess
you know that.
Kids, stop that!
Your manners.
There's plenty.
Help yourselves.
This sucks.
It tastes like poo!
Oh, bloody hell.
What did I say about spitting
in people's food?
Oh, please.
Here, eat this.
Eat that, honey.
You know, I know you.
I don't think so.
You're Sean's friend,
the kiddie, you know,
Yes. I'm a psychotherapist.
Like some help
with your children?
I met you last year
at Sean's loft.
I'm his sister Gail.
Oh, hi.
I'm Rebecca.
Nice to see you again.
Look, I'm sorry.
That's beluga.
It's $64 an ounce.
It's not dog food.
I'll write you a check.
No, it's fine.
It's just...
say thank you to the man
for the nice cheese
and give him
a big hug!
Thank you!
Kids, break it up.
We got stuff to do.
Have a little bit.
Just a bit.
No. Come on.
Come on, Sprinkler.
Let's go.
Hope we didn't ruin
your picnic.
No. Why would you
think that?
Take it easy.
See you around.
You see... breeders,
perfect example
of the product of change.
The swelling's
gone down.
It's still quite painful, actually.
You know,
all I'm saying
is there should be
two areas on the beach,
one for adults
and one for children.
Then everyone's happy.
Is that any better?
That's much better.
too tense.
You need to
loosen up.
Come on.
I love you.
I adore you.
Oh, yeah.
My dad's an asshole.
Um, is that
you can maybe
elaborate on
a little bit
for me, Truman?
My dad's
a giant asshole!
O.K. When you
bring your arms up,
round like this,
O.K., Eleanor?
Round. Round.
There you go.
Yeah. O.K.
Like this,
Miss Rebecca?
Look. Look at that.
I don't know
about Truman.
I'll get him
to open up,
but he's got very
severe problems,
and we know who
to thank, don't we?
You know,
his parents.
The state
requires you
to take a written test
to drive a car,
but any moron
can become a parent
and just destroy
a child's life.
It's like people
have babies on a whim.
Surely, to be a parent
you have to plan ahead.
Say, do I want to
become a parent?
Am I ready?
I'm pregnant.
Watch out!
Watch out!
Watch out!
Well, I guess you
don't want the baby.
Sir, your car will be
ready in a minute.
You're lucky
the engine's
in the back.
Yeah. Right.
Ready in a minute.
So, um...
we are absolutely certain
about this, right?
Well, my period's
And there's no way
you could have had it
and just not noticed?
Sorry. Ridiculous.
That was stupid. Stupid.
Could you be a little
more positive about this,
more supportive?
I'm trying to
be positive.
Killing us in a head-on
collision is not positive.
It must have been shock.
Out of the blue,
you say you're pregnant.
It was just
a little bit unexpected
was probably the reason
for the crash.
I thought you were
using birth control.
I was.
Your car's ready now,
you don't believe me!
You think I got pregnant
behind your back.
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
Do you think
I planned this?
I'm as flipped out
as you are.
I suppose
I just thought
that birth control
had a little teeny element
of control about it.
Thought it was supposed
to be foolproof.
Nothing is foolproof.
It's only 97% effective.
It says so on the box.
Yeah. Right.
So 3% completely
bloody ineffective.
They should put that
on the box.
Here you are.
We're off.
Hey. Hey.
Who's the blonde?
No idea.
Oh, my God.
how are you?
this is Bobbie.
This is Rebecca
and Sam.
I was getting worried
about you guys.
What happened
to this car?
Oh, long story.
What happened to Christine?
A long story.
So this is where
you two are going to stay.
Yeah, lovely.
So, what do you
think of her?
you mean the blonde?
She's attractive.
Very attractive.
She's 25 years old.
Her skin
is like ribbon candy.
like sponge cake.
Her calves
are like calzone.
I mean,
highly edible.
Highly edible.
She's crazy
about sex.
This is somebody
to get me over
the rough spots.
Mmm. What do you mean?
What rough spots?
Oh, Christine
left me.
Oh, shit.
Oh, uh...
a week ago.
What happened?
she wanted
a child.
I'm sorry.
Are you O. K?
Yep. Yep.
What an idiot.
Leave that.
Got it.
She said she wanted...
She, uh...
Christine wanted a baby.
She was hungry
for seed,
so I closed
the iron door,
denied her
my essence.
You know,
I'm not ready
to be biologically
She would have
devoured me
from the head down,
chewed up
my manhood,
swallowed my youth,
and gobbled me up
like some
praying mantis.
Not for me.
What do you mean,
praying mantis?
The female mantis,
after she has sex
with her mate,
she eats him.
Oh, yeah.
But Christine
wasn't pregnant
or anything
like that?
No. What do you mean?
Like on the sly?
On the sly,
or, you know,
in the run of things.
On the s... No.
I mean, Christine
has her faults,
but I don't know
who would do that.
That's a knife
in the back.
You know, that's...
No, of course not.
some voodoo woman
who puts pins
in her diaphragm.
Ha ha.
Spooky, Sam.
That's a she-snake.
That's like
the most hateful,
cruel, sneaky,
horrible thing
you can do.
Who would do that?
No! No!
They eat the father!
They eat the father!
They eat him!
Honey. Honey, what?
Honey, what?
Who eats fathers?
No one.
Sorry. Sorry.
Just a bad,
bad dream.
Silly, silly dream.
You worry too much.
Just relax.
Lie down, O.K.
Lie down.
It's O.K., baby.
Whatever happens,
we can work it out.
I know.
I love you.
I've loved you
since the first moment
I saw you.
You're the only one
I want to be the father
of my children,
it's now or later.
O. K?
I love it
when you do that.
Do what?
Ha ha ha!
That thing you're doing
with my knee.
That is so good.
Oh, Samuel.
Stop it.
I love it.
Go on.
But, Samuel?
What? Yeah?
I'm not doing anything
with your knee.
Aah! What is it?
- Aah!
- Aah!
What's the matter?
Come here, kiddo.
Where you been?
Come here, you.
I'm sorry, folks.
Come on. Get away from him.
I'm sorry, folks.
She's going through
a hiding phase.
It's for attention.
Hey, honey,
you'll get it dirty,
and God knows
what's on there.
Hey, honey,
it's the beach people.
Oh, hi.
This is great. Don't worry.
We didn't bring a kite.
How about another one
of them kisses?
What's going on?
We found her.
We've been looking
for her for an hour.
Honey, tell the neighbors
to call off the search.
You, call the sheriff
before the choppers go up.
We're sorry.
Looks like a full house.
Party time, then!
I'm sorry.
Get back in there.
Listen, um, sorry,
and I'm going to take off.
You'll be here all weekend,
Sounds great.
Good to see you.
You didn't tell me
they were coming.
They didn't
tell me either.
They always
show up uninvited.
I hope they don't
spoil your weekend.
Oh, no.
We'll be fine.
The kids seem adorable.
they're monsters.
They're monsters.
See, this is why
I don't want kids.
It's nonsense.
No, what I'm saying is
I think it's such baloney
and such a clich
that the artist
has to be messed up
and have a life
of deprivation,
be an alcoholic
or deprived in some way.
It's how you use, obviously,
with imagination and passion
whatever it is...
I love you.
Well, that's nice.
I think
you're great.
Marry me,
Captain Renaldo.
Captain Renaldo?
Marry me.
Make me your wife.
We'll honeymoon
in Paris.
Well, I'm not sure.
It's King Stanislaus'
daughter, isn't it?
You're madly
in love with her!
Don't deny it!
I saw you two kissing!
She hit me.
no hitting.
O.K. You run along.
Go play.
We'll talk later.
You weasel!
Oh, God.
I am so sorry about that.
She's been reading
Harlequin Romance novels,
and she's just
obsessed with it.
It's kind of cute.
Isn't it cute?
Not many teeth left,
but cute.
What a puss.
All right, everybody.
I've got an announcement.
Gail and I
are going to have a new baby.
Oh, shit. Not another one.
So I'd like to
make a toast.
To my wife, the most beautiful
pregnant woman in the world.
Love you.
Hear, hear!
You could be
the toughest guy,
but when your child
looks into your eyes
and that child knows
you're their dad...
it smiles.
It's like...
I cannot explain it.
It's like magic.
Is it magic when they do
that little dribble of vomit
down your shoulder?
I'm sorry
if we're boring you, pal.
Just a joke.
Just forget it.
The guy is rude.
What did you say?
You are rude.
You think I'm rude?
Yes, I do.
I'm sorry...
It's all right, honey.
Let's just deal
with this accusation.
Like an idiot,
I was under the impression
you were monopolizing
the conversation.
I'm sorry
if I'm a little excited
about my wife and I
having another baby.
Is being excited a reason
to exclude eight people
from conversation?
I didn't realize
this was a frickin'
group therapy session!
How much do I owe?
You didn't realize
you were a crashing bore.
I'll walk over there
and kick your bony little ass!
I'll have
my 5-year-old daughter do it!
Let's drop it.
Marty, he does
have a point,
but just drop it.
Sean, he's a dick,
and you're an even bigger dick
for taking his side
over family.
You and Gail used to
be interested
in politics,
music, art.
Now it's nothing but
kids, kids, kids.
My kids are
very meaningful to me.
When my first was born,
it was my most
exciting moment.
I felt like I really
made a contribution
to this world.
The world
is overpopulated.
Our society has too many
starving children.
I would say our society
has too many
starving artists.
It hasn't been
That's true,
but that
doesn't mean
what I do
isn't respectable.
Van Gogh,
while he was living,
didn't sell
one painting.
Now his stuff goes
for $40 million.
How long will you
have to be dead
before you can pay
that phone bill?
Do you come here
to ruin my weekends
and embarrass me
at my home?
Your home?
This isn't your home.
It was our parents' home!
You aren't making
any contributions.
You've got no wife,
no kids.
You insult your
only family.
You keep this up,
you'll die alone,
like a dog,
like a bum,
like Van Gogh.
Hey, Doc,
you all right?
Are you O. K?
Yeah. What?
You don't look good.
You look like
you're going to puke.
No, I'm fine.
Thank you, Truman.
I was just listening
to what you were saying.
That was a key sentence.
Would you mind
repeating it
just so
I can get it down?
You're an asshole.
And Dad's a bastard!
I can't be a father.
I can't.
I ca... I... I...
Why would I want to
have a child?
Just so he can call me a bastard
in 10 years' time?
We'd have to move out.
We don't have space
for a child.
Rebecca and me,
we're wonderful together.
It's just insane
to spoil it.
Just the two of us...
That's how it should be.
This baby is not
a good idea.
That's what I'll tell her.
Be right there.
Just stay back. Bye-bye.
I'll tell her now.
Listen, Beck...
I've been thinking...
No. Wait.
Wait. This pregnancy
was an accident.
It took us
completely by surprise.
We've been doing
really great together,
and a baby
would change everything.
I suppose it could.
Our apartment's
not ready for a baby.
We'd have to
I'd have to
quit my job.
Nobody wants
a pregnant dance teacher.
We're not ready
for a child.
There's not one good reason
to keep this baby.
But I still want to.
Maybe it's crazy,
but I feel it
living inside me.
and I really
want this baby.
What about you?
What do...
Oh, you mean
what... what...
what do I think?
I'm just saying
how I feel.
So, um,
what do you feel?
Right. How do I
feel on that one?
Well, um...
I feel, um...
I, uh...
I feel exactly
the same as you.
We won't let it
change us.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh.
I have to go
to the bathroom again.
It's one of the joys
of pregnancy.
O.K. Oh, gosh.
We're going to
have a baby.
Aw, I'm such a...
I'm such a coward!
Sorry. Forget it.
Nothing to do with you.
Oh, baby,
you were incredible.
Not bad, eh?
That was the single
most satisfying
sexual experience
of my life.
Well, I, uh...
aim to please.
I know.
Now it's time
for dinner.
Time to get up.
Today's our first
doctor's appointment.
I told you about it
two weeks ago...
and then last week,
three days ago,
and twice, I think,
Sorry, honey.
I completely forgot.
I swear I won't
forget next time.
I'm Rebecca Taylor
to see Dr. Green.
Oh, Dr. Green's
been out with pneumonia.
You can see Dr. Kosevich
or reschedule.
Yes. I think we'll
just reschedule.
We can see
Dr. Kosevich.
Are you sure?
Is there a problem?
Oh, no. No.
It's just Dr. Kosevich
is new... from Russia.
He's a little nervous,
oh, but very sweet.
we're already here.
We may as well
see Dr. Kosevich.
Please, sit down.
One moment.
A little family business.
If it's not
one thing,
it's your mother.
Please, please,
sit down.
I'm very sorry.
Oh, hello.
So we hear
you're from Russia.
You have a problem
with it?
I am not a Communist.
I was only briefly
member of party.
It was only for medical reasons.
I was a scientist.
In Russia, I was chief
of obstruction.
I think you mean.
That's it.
One moment.
Not obstruction,
is obstetrics.
Yes, I was the head
of obstetrics research
at Pasklovansky Hospital
in St. Petersburg.
What brings you
here, then?
I didn't work with people
in Russia.
More the technical side.
No. Animals.
Only rats and monkeys.
Change of scenery.
You've seen one rat ass,
you've seen them all.
I also want a patient
who won't bite me.
Last month,
I received my new license,
and now
I deliver human babies.
O.K., now,
I have a computer program here
that I have written myself
that will calculate
your due date very accurately.
O. K?
Fine. When was the first day
of your last menopause?
- Menopause?
- Menstruation.
End of sentence.
March 11th.
March 11th.
March 11th.
Here it comes.
The baby will be due
December 8th.
Congratulations. The baby
was conceived March 17th.
Oh, that's clever.
Most people know that,
but some people
are too drunk to remember.
Oh, my God.
What is wrong?
I'm not the father.
Oh, my God.
On March 17th,
I was away
at a child psychiatry conference
in Boston, remember?
What are you
I'll leave you two alone.
That's fine.
I'm going.
No! Wait!
Come back! Sit down!
Samuel, sit down!
Check your computer
It is... the computer
is very accurate.
Check the goddamn
Check it!
Don't yell at me!
Please don't do this.
I spent a year
in Afghanistan.
I have sometimes
very low tolerance for pressure.
Come on!
O.K. What is wrong
with the thing?
Oh, fuck me!
It's not working.
Hold on. O.K.
What is wrong?
Oh, O.K. O.K.
Excuse me.
This is the problem.
It is feces
flying into the fan.
There are function keys
for humans and simians,
and you're not a simian.
No, I'm not.
I had you as a baboon.
Sorry. I didn't...
There you go.
Were you here March 23rd?
With her?
- Yes.
- Yes.
O.K., um,
everything is fine now.
We're all back on-line,
and your baby...
your baby will be born
on December 15th.
O.K. Now it is time
for the physical examination.
Let's take a look
at your Volvo, O. K?
Come with me into here.
I'll warm my hands for you.
Please come in.
All right, madam.
If you would get undressed,
we'll begin, O. K?
And you may stay,
sir, if you like.
That's fine.
I'll wait...
Don't you dare.
I'd like to
Very good.
Let me get ready for you.
We've worked out
all the insects.
That lunatic
is not delivering me.
That's fine.
He's just a replacement.
Dr. Green will be there.
Let me help you, honey.
Just be gentle!
Honey, listen,
I was thinking,
about the baby...
Let's just keep it
to ourselves, huh?
Um, um,
yeah, all right.
Talking about it
before the third month
is bad luck.
Marty, look who's here!
Hey, look who's here!
Hey, guys,
what the hell?
Good to see you!
How you doing?
are you due?
Oh, I'm not
You're not pregnant?
Yeah, right.
What are you
on the maternity
Are we on
the maternity floor?
Good grief.
We're completely lost.
Poor old Beck.
She had
some bad Chinese.
We're here to see
the gastrointestinal specialist.
What's his name?
His name?
I can probably
tell you
what floor he's on.
She volunteers here. I've sold
cars to almost every doctor.
Beck, what's his name?
It's Dr. something,
isn't it?
It's Doctor...
Excuse me.
Oh, gosh.
I didn't realize
I'd left it.
Thank you
very much.
You have
a small pussy.
I found the little hairs
on the bag.
You know, the... meow...
Oh, cat!
Yes, we have a cat.
Well, you must
get rid of it.
Cats spread the disease.
Oh, yeah. Where
the small worms...
Small worms.
In the poop.
Thank you.
Thank you both
very much,
but Skippy
is old and clean
and won't cause
any problem.
O.K. Well,
it is your choice...
the cat or the baby.
Sorry to bring you
that news.
Oh, congratulations,
I'm so excited!
you guys.
Wow. That's great.
Oh, your first.
Sorry about...
That's all right.
I've been
lied to before.
You're good at it.
We could use you
at the car lot.
It's so exciting!
We're happy for you.
How are you feeling?
I'm O.K.
A little tired.
gets tired,
but the whole
thing is just
a life-changing
I'll give
you my number.
We can go
baby shopping.
You've got to
get that book,
What To Expect
When You're Expecting.
And we've got videos of
all her births.
You've got to
film your first.
That's the best.
It's the bloodiest...
blood everywhere,
things shooting out,
people screaming, stuff getting
torn and sewed together.
It's like a good
World War II movie.
Will you keep
the car?
Yeah. It's fine now.
Cost a bit of money.
But it only seats
two people.
It always did.
But you're going to
have a baby.
You could never fit
a car seat in there.
Listen, stop down
by the lot.
I'll make you
a good deal.
All right?
Honey, we got to go.
Bad Chinese...
Come on, baby.
Let's roll.
See you guys.
I hate him.
I loathe him.
He tried to
sell me a new car.
Can you believe that?
Tacky or what?
but he's right.
We're going to need
something bigger.
But you know how much
I love my car.
I've worked
hard for it.
What do you
Tie the baby
to the hood like a deer?
Well, no, but maybe
you could get a car.
On my salary?
Come on.
Well, put it this way.
I'm not getting rid
of the car.
What about the cat?
What, you believe
Dr. Zhivago in there?
The monkey doctor?
He's right.
I've read about it.
Cats can be dangerous
for a baby.
They can suffocate
the baby, claw the baby.
Skippy is 16.
He can barely move.
He's half-blind.
He's too weak
to suffocate anyone.
What about hygiene
in the kitchen?
You get cat hair
and cat saliva.
You said that this baby
wouldn't change our lives.
Now I have to sell my car
and get rid of my cat.
This is the second month,
and our lives
are practically unrecognizable!
I really appreciate
your asking us along.
I'm hoping this
will get Samuel excited
about having a baby.
Oh, yeah. Sure.
Yeah, 'cause, um,
if things
don't change,
I'm thinking
about leaving him.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Sure you are.
I thought about leaving
Marty all the time,
but this
is his first time.
You've got to
give him a chance.
He's completely
This whole baby thing
really scares him.
He's probably having
trouble facing it.
If you have a baby,
that means
he's got to grow up.
The baby's the fun part.
That's fun.
You know.
Look at all this stuff.
Ah, yeah! Whoo!
He's going to
love this.
You know you're
having a boy, right?
Gail took one of those
amnio tests, I suppose.
How do you know?
I can tell
it's a boy
by the way she's
carrying it all in front.
They don't often
carry them at the back.
If it's a boy,
they carry them low
like this.
If it's a girl,
it's up like this.
Plus, there are
special ways
to ensure that it
will be a boy.
What do you mean,
special ways?
when we made love...
we used
special positions.
Oh, please.
That's an old wives' tale,
that stuff.
You'll see.
Sometimes I'm not sure
I want this baby.
Oh, Missy,
of course you do.
It's just
such a privilege.
There's hundreds
of women
who spend thousands
of dollars every day
trying to
get pregnant.
It's like our profound
biological right.
It's something men
can never experience.
It has to be
at the right time for you,
but really,
it's a miracle.
And then
when the baby comes,
there's moments
of sheer happiness.
Even if you're alone?
I know it's fashionable,
PC, all that,
to be a strong,
independent single mother,
and, uh,
I'm prepared for that.
I can do that,
but, um, I would
love this baby
to have a mother
and a father.
I would love to
have a family,
and I would love to
marry Samuel.
all he has to do is ask.
Oh, Missy.
Huh huh huh.
O.K. Tell your mommy
if she loves you,
she'll buy you
the whole Arnie collection!
Thank you,
Who loves you,
- Arnie.
- Arnie.
Hey, fellas.
How about taking home
a new Arnie doll
for the kiddies?
No, thank you,
you'd look great
in my "Arnie Loves You"
They come in
extra-extra-extra large.
No, thank you.
How about a new
"Arnie Loves You" video?
No, thanks. O. K?
I'm not going to
buy your damn video!
But the kids
will love it.
My kids think
your show sucks.
But thanks,
Hey, no hard feelings,
O. K?
All right. Sorry.
That's O.K.
Huh huh huh.
So long.
Eh, you cheap shit.
What did you say?
Oh, gee. I didn't say
nothing, mister.
He didn't say
anything, Marty.
Arnie loves you.
You penis-head.
I heard that!
Heard what?
I heard what you said!
He's pathetic.
Come on.
There's children around here,
for God's sake!
So long...
you fat-ass pussy!
That's it!
No. No. Arnie.
Come on,
you wiener.
Come on,
you bitch.
Here's one
for the queen.
I'll get him, Sammy.
Hey, cut it out.
Oh, you hit
like a girl,
you flatulent
I'll take both
you wieners on.
You and that
pussy boyfriend!
Right, you bastard!
Who's the fat pussy
now, buddy?
Tell your sister
to let go of my tail,
you weak-wristed
Nancy boy!
Get off me,
you fat bastard!
I'll shove an "Arnie Loves You"
lunch box up your ass!
Oh, you...
Hi, honey.
He is
such a jerk!
We're in trouble.
Run to Mommy.
I'll wipe the floor
with you.
Wow! That's, uh...
that's quite a breakfast
you've got there.
Wow, you, uh...
certainly got
your appetite back.
Mmm! Boy...
I don't know
if you noticed...
The first three months
were tough on me.
But now, you know,
my breasts
don't hurt,
no more nausea
or insomnia,
and I feel great!
Oh! Good news.
So, I was thinking,
you know,
I know it's been
two months
since we made love,
but maybe we could
fool around tonight.
Leave the breakfast.
But I haven't
finished the food!
I'll be right back.
Huh? What?
I'll be right back.
Wait here for me.
Right. Right.
Ready when
you are.
Oh, my God.
Oh, wow.
Ha ha ha!
What is it?
It moved.
Huh? What moved?
The baby. It moved!
Oh, right.
Put your hand here.
It's like bubbles.
I-I-I don't
feel anything.
No, just wait.
Oh. It stopped.
What a shame.
It's an incredible
I guess I got plenty
more time to feel it.
Yeah. Yeah.
Honey, do you think
we're hurting the baby?
No. No.
if I can feel it,
then it can feel me.
No, I don't...
I don't think so.
Yes, yes, yes,
it can.
What if the baby
can see?
Um... see what,
my love?
Your penis
coming toward it.
That could scare
the hell out of a baby.
Rebecca, I-I...
What if your penis
caused brain damage?
Are you serious?
I don't know, I just...
don't think
we should make love
until we talk
to the doctor.
We don't know what
could happen, hon.
Fine, fine, fine.
But you know what?
I bet
if we wait awhile,
we can feel
the baby move again.
Yeah. Yeah.
That will be
just as much fun.
That's my game.
Fuck! Shit! Shit!
Hey, hey, Sam.
O.K., that's it.
No more tennis
for today.
That's it.
What happened to your
British etiquette?
This John McEnroe thing
is scaring me.
Um, Sam,
what's the matter?
What's the matter?
I'm in the middle
of a nervous breakdown.
You're going
to have a thrombo.
What's the matter?
Rebecca is
pregnant. There.
I am completely
sexually frustrated.
I do not
sleep at night.
I have these
appalling nightmares.
About what?
The latest nightmare
is that the baby is deformed...
It's missing an arm,
or it's got
cauliflower ears
with an eye
on its forehead.
I can't stand it!
I don't know why...
Do you want
the baby?
I don't know
what I want anymore.
Well, what about
an abortion?
We're in the fifth month.
It's too late.
Sit, sit, sit.
Relax. Let's talk
about this for real.
My God. Jesus.
I mean, you love
Rebecca, right?
Yeah, I adore her.
O.K., O.K.
You got to be
honest with her.
Always let her know
how you're feeling.
You got to
talk to her.
Christine and I
never talked.
We were idiots.
We threw it away.
Look at me. Look
what I've become.
You have a wonderful time
dating young girls.
Sam, my life's
a pile of shit.
It's a pile of shit.
It's empty
and pointless.
My sister Gail
is right.
If I continue
this way,
I'm facing
a lifetime alone
without a family.
I don't want to die
like Van Gogh.
It's terrifying.
If you want
to know the truth,
I'd give anything
to have
Christine back.
That's the truth.
And sometimes...
God strike me dead
for admitting this...
sometimes I think
I'd like to be a father.
Ha ha ha!
Sorry. Right.
No, you're serious.
You'd make a good dad.
Well, you know,
but we're
getting older.
I think it's time
for us to...
to face our
But... But
don't lose Rebecca.
She's the best thing
that ever
happened to you.
Hey, you guys,
it's the 30th.
Hey, you guys,
it's the 30th.
Your membership fees
are due.
My sister
takes care of that.
Oh, really?
Wait, wait,
did she...
did she say
it was the 30th?
Yeah, why?
Oh, this isn't
happening. No!
Today's our
second ultrasound.
I've missed it.
I swore
I wouldn't miss it!
was at 11:00.
I can make it.
Oh, shit.
Shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit.
Oh, sorry.
Dr. Thatcher,
She's in there.
Sir, do I have you down
for an appointment?
Mr. Faulkner?
She left about
Thanks. Thank you.
Would you like
to know the sex?
The sex of the baby?
Does Rebecca know?
O.K., then.
It's a boy.
A boy.
Thanks very much.
that means,
you can actually
see his...
Penis, yeah,
and it's fine...
I mean, size-wise
and that kind of stuff?
And I'm assuming
everything else
is as it should be.
You know, lip and eyes
in the right spot, and...
nothing whatsoever here?
looks fine.
Here. Watch this
with Rebecca.
She forgot
to take it.
Yeah. O.K., good.
This is...
That's actually him?
That's my son?
Thank you.
Thank you.
Mr. Faulkner.
Pregnant women need
a lot of support.
Be affectionate
with her.
Kiss her a lot.
She was pretty
emotional earlier.
What are you doing?
I'm leaving.
Beck, wait.
I mean, I...
I know I've missed
a few appointments.
Look, you don't
care about me.
You don't care
about this baby.
You're too wrapped up
in your own feelings
to deal
with this pregnancy.
You're not ready
to be a father.
Where will you go?
Marty and Gail's.
Marty and Gail?
I don't want to move in
with my parents,
and all my girlfriends
are single,
and they don't need
some pregnant person
living with them.
Gail and I have gotten
to be close.
She knows what it's like
to be pregnant.
She'll get me
through this.
And the baby?
I'll raise the baby.
I'll get
an apartment.
I can do it
by myself.
The little heart's beating.
Marty, hi.
Is she here?
She never wants
to see you again.
Let me talk to her
for two seconds.
If I let you,
I'll be in the doghouse.
I'll have to
live with you.
You're a great
kisser, but...
Who is it?
It's my mom, honey.
But your mother's dead!
it's really weird!
Marty, please!
Just tell her one...
What do you
think of this?
Take a look at this.
You're aiming
at the hotel-room
market now, huh?
You're right.
It's a hotel-room painting.
That's what it is.
It's terrible.
Look at that.
What happened
to the nudes?
Oh, they
weren't selling.
It's cheaper for guys
to buy Playboy.
This is terrible.
Bon voyage.
I deep-six it.
with the fishes.
absolutely right.
I can smell the room service
on that painting.
But, you know,
it's you.
You're around.
That's why I'm painting this way.
You're very unhappy.
You're like the antidote
to exhilaration.
If I take
any more of this in,
I'll be painting
cats and clowns.
Is it Rebecca?
You haven't
heard from her?
No, I haven't
heard from her.
I have told you
so many times,
she refuses to see me.
No. She won't
answer my calls,
reply to my letters.
It's a total...
I've thrown away...
thrown away
the most important
thing in my life
just like that.
You need
a new outlook.
No, no, no.
Don't scoff.
Forget about Rebecca.
How could you
say that to me?
You reminded me
she's the most important
thing in my life
just weeks ago.
I never said that.
I never...
I never said that.
You said it
at the tennis court.
Oh, yeah.
So what if I did?
That was then,
but it's over,
and you've got to get
on with your life.
Listen to this...
Buy some
new clothes.
I'm telling you,
we'll learn
a new sport,
I'll throw a party,
and you'll meet
some new people.
Come on.
We'll have some fun!
I don't think so,
Start with a smile.
for heaven sakes.
that's hideous,
but... but...
but, you know,
that's... that's...
that's the idea.
That's O.K.
There you go.
Aren't you a little
old for this?
You want an ambulance?
Watch your step.
Do you want to dance?
No, I...
Come on.
Don't be a stiff!
for the ride home.
Pleasure. Pleasure.
Want to come up
for coffee?
No. Thanks, no.
I'm just going to...
shoot off.
Do you want
to come up for sex?
Wow. Ha ha ha!
That's pretty...
no. The thing is,
Lili, I think...
you're incredibly
but I think it's
just a bit early
for me
to get involved,
so I'll take
a rain check.
Another day.
Arr, matey.
Will ye be taking it
out to drive?
If you travel,
this holds a lot.
You can put
a queen-size waterbed in back.
Ever been
on a waterbed?
Can I help you?
Yeah, I'm looking
for Mr. Dwyer.
He's right
over there.
You never have
to worry about hemorrhoids.
I'll be right back
with you.
Just enjoy the car.
Thanks for
coming down, man.
I missed you.
Well, um... this is
very painful for me,
but I want to buy
a new car.
Buddy! Buddy,
it's about time.
We happen
to have a few.
How's Rebecca?
She's great.
You're taking
care of her?
Gail's taking
her shopping,
and they're
Then I make them
dinner every night.
And she's O. K?
Yeah. The first month,
she cried a lot,
but she hasn't
mentioned you in two weeks.
I think she's
getting over you.
This is
the car for you.
Listen, Marty,
I need to see her.
She doesn't
want to see you.
I really have to
speak to her, O. K?
I want her back.
That's going to take
a lot of convincing.
Do something for me.
Just, um... organize
a chance meeting.
Bring her
to a grocery store
or a restaurant,
and I'm there.
I don't know.
Ask Gail if I could
baby-sit your kids Saturday.
You want to baby-sit
my kids?
Yes! It's brilliant.
It will convince Rebecca
that I like children.
That will get me
in trouble with Gail,
and you know
how mad she gets.
Marty, please
do this for me!
O.K., O.K.,
I will.
Thanks! Excellent!
Oh! There we go.
This is fun,
isn't it?
Isn't this jolly,
Molly? Ha ha!
Listen to this.
"I removed
the victims' brains
with an ice-cream
Awesome, huh?
Shannon, the other
children here
don't want to hear
that beastly stuff,
so just
read quietly.
Yes. Higher.
Now, Patsy, no.
That's not funny, my love.
Don't strangle
the little boy.
But he likes it!
Say uncle!
Yes, that's it.
Hey, Sam! Sam!
Sam, are you O. K?
Great. Fine.
Are you all right?
Yeah, yeah. Good.
We're getting on
well here.
Is Rebecca coming?
No? Marty,
we had an agreement.
in the hospital, Sam.
The hospital?
Why? What's wrong?
There might be a problem
with the pregnancy.
What are you
talking about?
The doctors don't know,
but she's with them.
Jesus Christ.
Be careful, Sam!
Hi. Which room is
Rebecca Taylor in, please?
Where's that?
Just around
the corner.
Will she be
all right?
Yeah, she's
going to be fine.
She just started
having some contractions,
and she started dilating.
They'll keep her overnight,
restrict her movement.
It just sometimes happens
in the seventh month.
And the baby's O. K?
Yeah. Baby's great.
So... can I see her?
Don't upset her.
I won't.
Yep. Promise.
What are you
doing here?
Well, you know I was
worried about...
about you
and the baby.
We're going to be fine.
Yeah. That's
what Gail said.
Is this...
is this noise...
Is that the baby's
Beck, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I was, um...
a disgrace.
I mean,
I know now exactly
what a bastard
I was.
I was... I was...
completely selfish,
and you had
every right
to walk out on me.
But I just want
you to reconsider.
Sam, please, no...
Let me just explain.
I think...
I know
that I've changed.
You don't believe
in change.
I do now.
Change is great.
Change is what
it's all about.
Anyone who doesn't believe
in change is a coward,
which is what I was.
I was scared.
I was scared of...
of losing control
and of losing,
you know,
you or what
we had together
and losing my youth.
Aren't you now?
No. No, especially
not my youth.
My youth is here,
doing well.
I'd really love
to believe this.
Listen, I've seen
the second
The one you left
at Dr. Thatcher's
the day I was late.
The point is,
I don't care
what I think or
don't think anymore.
I don't give
a damn about me.
I'm in love
with my child.
You are?
And I'm completely in love
with you for having it.
Samuel, you almost
ruined everything, and...
Shh. Please.
the seventh month.
The baby
can hear you.
How do you know that?
I've been
reading up...
Dr. Brazelton,
What To Expect When
You're Expecting.
I've been
to a Lamaze class.
I was the only
single father there.
And I sold
the Porsche.
Oh, I don't believe that.
Yep. Marty gave me
a terrible deal
on a big family car.
He did?
It's parked outside.
Car seat,
family extras.
It just needs
a family.
And, um...
there's this.
Open it.
Would you be my wife?
On one condition.
Lose the earring.
It's gone.
Thank you.
I've always wanted
to be carried
over a threshold.
Are you all right?
Yeah. I've got
something to show you.
Oh, Samuel.
It's beautiful.
You did this
all by yourself?
Uh, yeah. Yeah.
Thank you.
It's perfect.
How are you feeling,
Oh, O.K.
My feet are
really swollen.
My back's killing me.
Well, look.
Leave this to me.
I'm going to pull
a few strings.
All right.
Hi. Look, I'm sorry
to bother you.
My wife's pregnant,
she's due in two weeks,
and I was wondering...
Samuel. Oh.
Hi. What a coincidence.
How... How long... How long...
How long have you
been working here?
Three weeks.
Three weeks.
How are things?
So listen, Lili,
how long is the wait
for a table going to be?
Give me
a few minutes.
I'll seat you
right away.
O.K. Great.
Well, succes.
She's just setting
the table now.
You know her?
The hostess.
The hostess?
I've never seen her
before in my life.
She called you Samuel.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
That's my name.
Yeah, but you're
on a first-name basis
with a woman you've
never seen before?
Well, she took
my first name. See?
Some places take
the first name.
Some places,
they use last names.
Here, they use
first names.
You're silly.
You're paranoid.
Go on.
What is it?
Aah... shit!
What? What?
I cut my hand.
Wow, that's bad.
Hang on.
This is quite serious.
That needs stitches.
my water broke.
We'll get you another.
No. My water broke.
This water broke?
That means it's time.
That's right.
We got to go
to the hospital.
Well, go! Go!
Wait! Wait for me!
I got the doctor's
machine again.
Where could he be,
at some bloody
doctor's party?
Come on.
Please go faster.
When did you sell
the Porsche?
I knew it.
What, hon?
You slept with her,
didn't you,
while we were apart?
It was completely
Nothing happened.
I was completely
faithful to you.
Lili, wasn't I
completely faithful?
Completely faithful.
I don't believe you.
If it was innocent,
why did you lie
about knowing her?
Because you were
in a fragile state.
I'm in a more
fragile state now.
I swear on the life
of my child
I did not sleep
with her.
Samuel, stop!
- Aah!
- Aah!
- Aah!
- Aah!
You stupid
son of a bitch!
He has
a heart condition!
Learn to drive!
are you all right?
I'm having
chest pains.
I'll call an ambulance.
Look, I'm on the way
to the hospital,
if you'd like a ride.
Where is Dr. Green?
Get off the phone
and drive,
Limey scumbag!
Leave me alone,
you mad witch!
Sorry. Where is
Dr. Green?
You tried
his home number?
His beeper?
Yes. No!
You have that number?
Yeah. It's around
here somewhere.
Oh, where is that
bloody number?
It's a bicycle!
I'm sorry.
Are you all right?
My leg is broken.
Help me!
Help me!
Yes. Help!
Just stay there.
Just stay there.
Are you trying to kill
everyone in San Francisco,
you asshole?
We don't have time
for this!
My husband is having
a heart attack!
Oh! Ow!
Ow! Where are
you taking me?
Shut up or I'll break
the other leg!
Ah! You! Over here!
I've got stitches,
heart attack, woman in labor,
oh, and broken leg.
Sorry. Sorry.
Oh, my God.
Come quick!
Aah! Aah!
Yeah, I got it.
I got it.
Unh! Unh!
Please. Please.
Please. Please.
She's... Please.
Lady, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
It's all right,
I beg your pardon.
It's all right.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Are you all right?
Get me out of here.
May I help you?
Rebecca Faulkner
for Dr. Green.
Her water's broken.
I'll get the doctor.
Come on. Move!
Hey! Don't push me.
I'll get the doctor.
How are you?
The baby's ready.
What do you mean,
To come out!
Jesus Christ almighty,
where is
the bloody doctor?
Here I am.
- Aah!
- Aah!
Please don't do that.
No. No.
Hi. Where's Dr. Green?
Where's our doctor?
He's on vacation.
You are two weeks early.
You're not the replacement
doctor, are you?
Yes, I am.
No. No.
I want
someone else.
There is nobody else.
There must be!
Find me another doctor!
There's no one else!
All right?
It is a full moon.
Everybody has gone into labor.
Look around!
There are not enough
doctors and nurses.
There are not
enough delivery rooms.
Unless you want to deliver
this baby yourself,
follow me!
Oh, God! I'm O.K.
I'm a little nervous,
O. K?
It's my first delivery.
If there aren't
any rooms,
where is she
having the baby?
I'll put her
with another patient.
We're sharing a room?
I'm sorry. We're a little
overbooked, O. K?
Let's go. Let's go.
Get this woman
on the delivery table
if not later.
Come on. Let's go.
Where are you taking me?
You're looking good.
You're dilated
to 7 centimeters.
How much is that?
O. K? Got it?
She's very good, O. K?
You look uncomfortable.
I'm going
to raise you down.
No! Don't touch
All right.
Get somebody over here!
Hey, buddy.
What are you doing here?
I'm cruising
for chicks.
I'm having a baby!
Hi. Hi!
How you feeling?
Isn't this terrible,
just terrible?
Sounds very good.
Where's my husband?
It's a full moon!
Women are
spouting them out!
Everybody's old friends.
Back to work!
Smile, Doc.
How's she doing?
God bless America, O. K?
Honey, smile for me.
I love you. Smile.
You're so beautiful.
It's not bad, is it?
It doesn't hurt.
I want something
for the pain.
O.K. I'll get you
Knock me out!
Knock me ow-ow-ow...
Give her something
for the pain!
You don't want
natural childbirth?
You want Anastasia?
Drugs, yes?
Give me a moment.
I'm thinking.
You mean
you don't know?
Kind of.
you Commie bastard!
Shut up,
you Limey prick!
I can't take
the pressure.
Don't yell at me.
Yes. Yes. It's fine.
no good for her!
No, for me!
I've got it!
Oh, thank God!
call the anesthesiologist.
This woman needs an enema.
An enema?
- Enema?
- Enema?
No. Uh...
she needs a pedicure!
This ain't
no beauty parlor.
She's not dead,
you moron!
What is it, Epilady?
Epidural, asshole!
That's right! Yes!
That's what I mean.
I always
get those confused...
enema, pedicure, epidermal.
I should buy myself
a clitoris.
A thesaurus.
You don't know
what a clitoris is.
What are you doing?
Go away from here.
I'm proud of you.
I love you.
I hate you!
You did this to me,
you miserable piece of
dick-brained horseshit
son of a whore bitch!
That's perfect,
The kids will love it.
I'll put it...
Get out! Get out!
You're the one!
You are the one!
Hi, everyone.
I'm Dr. Newsoe.
I'm here to administer
the epidural.
Oh, yes! Thank God!
You inject that thing
into my wife?
Right into her spine.
Mm-hmm. Good. Excellent.
Whoa... hey!
Look, you see?
That is why women
have the babies...
because men
can't handle the pa-aa...
Hey, you guys!
Get some smelling salts
and get these men up
off the floor!
Help me! Help me!
I need some help.
I need some help.
- Aah!
- Aah!
No time
for an epidural.
No time, Doctor.
I checked her cervix.
She's dilated to 10.
Doctor, this woman
is also dilated to 10.
Hi, everybody.
Smile big!
Give me a smile.
What are you doing?
I'm making you a souvenir.
Isn't it great?
Get that thing
off her face!
Give it to me!
No! I got a great shot
of the head!
You broke my camera.
Oh, Sam, I'm sorry.
I got carried away.
Be right back.
It's too late
for the medication!
Hold on! I'm coming!
Whoa! Oh!
Keep breathing.
Breathe. Breathe.
I cannot believe
you're fighting now!
This is my moment.
Your moment.
This is my miracle.
Aah! Oh!
Now we're ready
for the final push,
all right?
And you push!
There you go!
And... she's out!
The clamp.
There we go.
And the scissors.
And she's free from you.
You have a girl,
unless I cut the wrong cord.
Bad joke.
Go see Papa.
Congratulations, Papa.
You have a big,
beautiful girl.
Can we still
call her Samuel?
She's not yours.
She's yours.
No, she's not.
I've already got
three girls!
Four, actually,
counting this one.
Holy shit!
Aah! Aah!
What's going on here,
I bought
all that cowboy stuff
and the sports stuff
and all the other stuff.
Is there another one
in there, honey?
Isn't she beautiful?
Yes, but how's she going
to play for the 49ers?
She could play.
No. You think so?
Yeah. She could do anything.
A pretty good arm.
Come on.
Work for your baby.
All right!
I know it hurts,
but you have to come back now.
Listen to me, O. K?
I don't want you
to tear.
You have to control
your push.
It's burning.
It's burning.
There you go.
The baby's head is out.
Bulb syringe.
One more push,
and you will see your baby.
Aah! Aah! Aah!
That's it...
the final push!
There we go. Ready?
Easy. Easy.
Go, baby!
And... he's out!
You had it!
Another clamp, please.
Another clamp.
Open your eyes.
Take a look
at your son.
You have a boy.
A beautiful boy.
Say hello to Papa.
You're welcome.
Thank you
for choosing me.
He's very handsome.
He's got very big
testicles, too.
Well, yes.
He would have.
See this?
I know. It's great,
isn't it?
We're a family.
I think she's
looking at me.
She's got your eyes.
Think so?
Yeah, and your hair,
and your figure,
in fact.
Shut up.
I guess having another
girl's not so bad.
You just have to keep
trying for a boy.
Think of all
the new positions.
Jesus, poor Gail.
Listen, I'm sorry
about your camera.
No. I was
out of line.
It's my fault.
Mart, um...
I, uh...
I just want
to say thanks.
For what?
Well, for today,
for, um...
Without you and Gail,
I just probably
wouldn't be here,
probably wouldn't
be a dad, so...
You're welcome, buddy.
I love you, man.
And I love you,
big guy!
we did it, huh?
I'm sorry about
what happened.
Oh, no, no.
No, really. We
underestimated you.
Without you?
Come on.
We make a great team!
Hey, Doc, have you been
celebrating a little bit?
Just a little.
Come on. We'll crack
another bottle, O. K?
I'll be right back,
but first I have
to circumcise your son.
Dr. Kosevich...
I'll go.
Sorry if we woke you.
He was tense.
I thought we'd have
a bit of dancing.
Very good for tension.
Want to dance
with Mummy?
She's a professional.
She's better
than me.