Nines, The (2007) Movie Script
sub2srt by (Yeolno)
You sell crack?
No, it's cool. I'm only a cop on TV.
How much... right on.
Is this crack?
You know how to do it?
Yes. Yes, hello.
I'm having a medical situation.
Yeah, okay,
I don't have a belly button.
I do not have a belly button
where I should on my belly,
and I'm concerned
because I don't know if that's...
Can a person live
without a belly button?
'Cause if you think about it,
you're born with one...
and if you don't have one
you're unborn,
and it's really hazy
whether you're alive or not.
I guess I'm wondering...
...am I alive?
Or what if I'm God?
I don't think I need an ambulance,
but I should probably
go to the hospital.
Yeah, I should.
Like you've never done worse!
Okay, yes, he totaled a car,
but it was
an environmentally friendly car.
Why doesn't that
get reported?
He was heartbroken, betrayed.
You say you understand,
but you don't... you can't.
You're like a big, giant Vulcan.
He's coming.
I'll call you later.
Hi. Margaret.
I work for Lola.
- Gary.
- I know.
We need to go out the back.
- Are there reporters out front?
- A few.
Not Hugh Grant level,
more like Robert Downey Jr.
When he broke into that family's house
and slept in the kid's bed.
I handled episodes two
through four for Robert,
so this sort of thing
is my specialty.
Okay, just so it's said,
this house is flammable.
I didn't mean
to burn down my house.
Yeah, and I didn't mean to eat my way
into a ten-year shame spiral,
but I did, and it's healthier
to acknowledge it.
So, this flammable house
belongs to one of Lola's
other fabulous clients,
who is currently shooting
a pilot in Toronto.
- An actor?
- Writer.
So, for the next six weeks,
su casa es su casa.
I say feel free to wear his clothes.
He'll probably get
a sick thrill out of it.
The gays.
He has dogs.
Yeah, they're away at summer camp.
Now, try the bed.
It's fine.
- Comfortable?
- Sure.
Look, Gary, I know this
has been crazy and stressful.
I want you to feel
safe and comfortable.
- I do.
- I'm a fan of yours, you know.
Your number-one fan!
But if you fuck this up,
I will smash your ankles
with a sledgehammer.
And that wouldn't be comfortable
for either one of us.
Nine dogs ran through the field.
The koala sits in the tree.
It's computer voice-recognition.
The parole system can call
you any time, day or night.
If you don't pick up
within five rings,
the police come
and haul your ass off.
What if I'm not here?
That's why they call it
"house arrest."
You stay inside your house.
He can take direction,
I promise.
I'll be coming by twice a day
to check up on you.
I should be
the only person coming by...
no pals, no buddies,
no heroin dealers.
I don't do heroin.
Yeah, crack is classy.
And I'm not buying you porn.
There's spray-per-view
on cable.
Great, 'cause I really
wasn't concerned
about my career,
family, or future.
- I just wanted to jerk off.
- Let me see your phone.
Come on, all my numbers
are in there.
Dial ten digits at random.
Whoever answers will be better
than the people on that phone.
You have my cell number,
you have delivery menus.
You're fine, right?
Bad idea.
Be good!
Keep it.
Someone was trying
to destroy the evidence.
Someone failed.
Once we get these samples
back to the crime lab...
we'll know
who the real killer is.
Somebody there?
Hello!
Hello?
Yes.
Nine leopards
ran through the jungle.
I bought two cakes
at the store.
The house is haunted.
There's a zeitgeist
or some...
Poltergeist, and no.
Maybe they were rats.
L.A.'s teeming with rats.
They live in the palm trees.
Maybe.
Okay, you know,
I'm a licensed psychotherapist.
Really?
No, I'm a publicist.
My job is what
other people think of you,
not what you think of yourself,
so pull your shit together.
I am this close to getting
Christine Walsh to do
your piece in Parade.
Parade? I fucking hate Parade.
Everybody hates Parade,
but the people that watch Crim9 Lab
love their Marilyn Vos Savant.
One heartfelt act of contrition,
and maybe the show writer
won't kill off your character
between seasons.
I swear to God,
if you go bat-shit on me...
I'm not crazy.
Exactly. Exactly.
Sorry! I'm sorry.
Over here, to your left.
Right. Sorry, right.
I was practicing my putting,
if you can believe that.
Not really.
Okay, maybe I was
just looking for a way
to meet my infamous neighbor.
You see, I'm under house arrest too.
What'd you do?
I had sex with my husband.
That's awful.
Nine months later,
I had Jaden.
That's her over there.
She's a cutie.
She's sleeping for another...
Seventeen minutes.
She likes to keep to a schedule.
She seems really boring.
She is.
You're rich.
Shouldn't you have
a nanny from Ecuador?
I'm Canadian.
Can't work in the U.S.
Plus, I want to keep
this air of moral superiority
by doing everything myself.
Very Canadian.
Thanks.
Jaden goes down again
around 2:30.
Maybe I could stop by?
I'm pretty sure I'll be here.
It's a date.
Is it?
- I'm Sarah, by the way.
- Gary.
Yeah, I know.
"The best of all possible worlds."
Okay.
Voltaire, Candide.
Are you actually reading it?
I thought I was.
Sorry I bailed.
Jaden had a fever.
How boring of her.
Housewarming gift!
Demon liquor.
And the best part is I can drink it.
I pumped before I came.
So did I.
It's hard to prove
that I was only trying
to burn my ex-girlfriend's stuff
and not the entire house.
Yeah, fire's tricky that way.
Yeah. How 'bout you?
Any history of arson?
Strangely enough...
I knew it. I could see
that little spark.
Well, it wasn't arson, probably.
When I was a little girl,
our house caught on fire.
Oh, shit.
I'll never forget the look
on my father's face
as he gathered me up
in his arms and raced
through the burning building
out onto the pavement.
I stood there,
shivering in my pajamas,
and watched the whole world
go up in flames.
And when it was over,
I said to myself,
"Is that all there is to a fire?"
Is that all there is?
Is that all there is?
Is that all there is?
If that's all there is, my friends
Then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze
And have a ball
If that's all there is
And then I met
the most wonderful boy in the world.
We would take long walks
by the river.
We'd sit for hours
gazing into each other's eyes.
We were so very much in love.
And then one day he went away,
and I thought I'd die, but I didn't.
And when I didn't, I said to myself,
"Is that all there is to love?"
Is that all there is
Is that all there is
If that's all there is, my friends
Then let's keep...
I know what you're thinking.
If that's the way she feels about it,
why doesn't she just end it all?
Oh, no.
I'm in no hurry
for that final disappointment.
I know as sure as I'm
standing here talking to you,
that when
that final moment comes
and I'm breathing my last breath,
I'll be saying to myself...
Is that all there is
Is that all there is
If that's all there is, my friends
Then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze
and have a ball
If that's all...
- I need to go.
- What?
Sorry, sorry.
Where are my shoes?
- Wait, just...
- Sorry.
Don't worry about it. Just...
I should go. Good-bye.
You coming back?
And if that mockingbird won't sing
Mama's gonna buy you
a diamond ring
And if that cart and bull fall down
You'll still be the sweetest
little baby in town
Good night, sweetheart.
Good night.
The cat says, "Meow."
The pig says, "Oink."
The cow says, "Moo."
The cow says, "Moo."
The cow says, "Moo."
The dog says, "Nine.
Nine, nine, nine, nine."
Hello?
Yes.
Two trains run through the forest.
Nine, nine, nine, nine, nine...
Fuck.
Jesus, you scared
the shit out of me.
What... I don't... I'm sorry.
Oh, no, I'm...
I'm fine. I'll be fine, yeah.
Where are your parents?
No, no, no, your mom and dad.
Where's your mom and dad?
I don't know what you're saying.
Look, hey, look,
I don't speak that,
so just go back
to wherever you came from.
You shouldn't be out here.
No, no, no. Go...
It's not safe for you to be out here.
You should go back, okay?
Oh, shit.
Evening, Officers.
Once again, house arrest means
you stay inside your house.
Think of it like
an electronic leash.
Think of it like
an electronic leash.
If you even go more than
the cops come,
and they throw your ass in jail.
If you ever try to take it off,
the cops come,
and they throw your ass in jail.
If they ever detect drugs
or alcohol in your system...
Cops come.
Throw my ass in jail.
No, I kick your ass.
Then the cops come
and throw your ass in jail.
Do I still have to answer the phone?
I'll be doing that from now on.
I'm moving into the guest room.
I don't need a babysitter.
Despite all evidence
to the contrary.
Don't worry,
I'm a cool roomie.
Who do you think taught
Affleck how to gamble?
Let's never hear that again!
...ninety-seven,
ninety-eight, ninety-nine.
One hundred feet.
Behold, the edge of your world.
In the world,
out of the world.
In the world,
out of the world...
Hey, I'm dancing!
Sure, absolutely.
So the guy's like,
"Do you know fencing?"
And I say, "That's what it says
on my headshot."
- Lies.
- Oh, always. Always.
So he says to me,
"Foil or epi?"
- Epee!
- And I say I'm about equal in both...
- Which is true!
- Exactly.
Anyway, he throws me
this fucking Conan sword, right?
And then he just starts
going after me.
I'm just swinging.
I'm just trying to stay alive,
right, with my eyes closed,
and I end up accidentally
cutting his ear.
You cut off his ear?
Yeah... well, no, no,
just a little, right.
But I ended up getting the job.
Wait, you were in
Pirates of the Caribbean?
Yeah. No, no.
No, not the movie, the ride.
I was all, like, "Arr, keep
both hands inside the boat."
Don't. No finger.
Good night, fuckface.
Good night, you filthy whore.
It's incredible.
Whenever I see them,
I always feel like... damn.
I was born at the wrong time.
Exactly.
- Where's the warden?
- Groceries.
Quite the little missus.
- How's Jaden?
- Boring.
We haven't had nearly the grand old time
you two have been having.
You've been watching.
Well, I don't want
to meddle in your affairs.
My affairs?
Everyone needs affection.
I get it.
I don't. Are you seriously jealous?
The opposite.
I just want to protect her.
- From what?
- From you.
Look at you. You date models,
actresses, tennis players.
Yeah?
On a scale of one to ten,
you belong with the nines.
We both know
you won't settle for less.
What are the nines?
What?
"Look for the nines"?
It's not mine.
- It's your handwriting.
- I didn't write it.
Okay.
Allee--allee--all come free.
What?
Nothing.
Seriously. What?
Nothing. I thought you were...
Forget it. Done. Sorry.
Hiya. Hi.
What?
I have to take this.
Who thought
it was a good idea
to let Courtney
into a pottery shop?
I know who you are.
- Really.
- I know what you are.
If you come near him again...
You'll what?
What are you gonna do about it?
Sorry, what's he calling you?
Margaret.
I like that. Margaret. Classic.
- Why don't you leave him alone?
- Alone?
He can't be left alone.
He's an actor.
If no one's watching him,
he doesn't really exist.
And for the record...
I'm not the one deceiving him.
He'll figure it out eventually,
and when he does, who do you
think he's going to blame?
Good night, rat face.
Good night.
Hey, neighbor.
Sorry for the psychotic episode.
Okay.
Are you okay?
You look a little Beautiful Mind-ish.
How many times should
the number nine come up?
Probablistically?
"Probablistically"?
You know what I mean.
One time out of ten.
How about every time?
But they only show up
when you look for them.
Looking for them changes things.
Some of these are prices,
and there's gonna be a lot of nines.
There's something wrong.
There's something wrong
with the world.
I can get you out of here,
but you have to trust me.
Good morning.
Everything okay?
Peachy.
Peachy's good.
I like peaches.
You want coffee?
Yeah.
What do I do?
Do you trust me?
You okay?
No.
Tell me about the nines.
The nines?
The nines.
It's sort of hard to start there.
Try, and don't tell me
I'm imagining it,
'cause they're showing up everywhere,
and I want to know why.
Best guess?
They're your subconscious
trying to remind you who you are.
I'm a nine?
Yes.
Doesn't make much sense
out of context.
You're not gonna
understand this yet, but...
we've known each other
for, like, 25 years.
One day when I was 12,
you called me out of the blue
and we've been talking
ever since.
Talking.
On the phone, usually.
I never met you
before I came here.
You, Gary, never met me, no,
but you're not always...
I can understand
why you're a little confused.
No, no.
I'm a lot confused.
Theories?
- This is all a dream?
- No.
- I'm in a coma?
- No.
Then I'm dead?
This is hell or a purgatorium
or something?
Okay, purgatorium
is where Romans vomited,
but no, this is as real
as anything can be.
What does that mean?
Everything is what it is,
but you're not
who you think you are.
God, no, Gary, please don't.
You can't trust her.
She's a nine.
You don't know
what you're doing.
Okay, so what happens
if I cross this line?
I don't know,
but it's not good.
Shit.
Previously
on Behind the Screen...
Gavin Taylor is one
of the best TV writers out there.
Every network would kill
to work with him.
- Good to see you!
- You look wonderful.
My name's Gavin Taylor.
I'm a film and television writer.
Knowing is a one-hour drama
about a woman
whose husband disappears.
She believes that her daughter
is the key to a dark conspiracy.
Even way back into The Fugitive,
where they didn't have
the full setup
and the payoff in each episode.
Knowing is not
gonna be Crim9 Lab,
not the popular kind of
mystery shows that are out there
where we get all the answers.
...trying to figure out how long
is the attention span
of today's audience.
So, boil it down for me.
Give me one line that we
can really set Roger on fire with.
Basically, it's like
Rosemary's Toddler.
My favorite movie.
That's my favorite film.
We sold it in the room.
Just tell me Roger
liked the script.
You're shooting a pilot.
Melissa McCarthy is my first
and only choice for the lead.
...writing a show
for you. For you.
- Really?
- Yes.
Gavin and I have been
friends forever.
It's delightful to be working
on Knowing,
and it's, you know,
not surprisingly,
a fantastic script,
and it's a great cast.
Gilmore Girls has been great,
but, you know,
I'm excited to go
and to have something
this great to go into.
I totally trust Gavin.
The only way we can afford
to shoot the pilot is in Canada.
- I can't believe we're shooting it...
- A 15-day shoot versus...
This is not an argument
I'm going to win.
It's really hard to think about
leaving for six weeks.
Puggies.
Action.
Puggies!
Where's your brother?
It's just so weird being back.
It just doesn't feel like
my house anymore.
At this stage,
you have the script that you wrote
and the film that you shot,
but you don't know how
it's gonna come together.
You just know how
you want it to feel.
Understand?
You have to use big girl hands.
You want to see
where we were today?
Okay, hit play. This button.
There's you and there's Daddy.
Oh, a little movie star.
Oh, he'll be back soon.
Don't you worry.
I don't know if we need
the cold open.
I think we want to get
right to the story.
- The story's so strong.
- Excuse me?
Is there any way
we could be more clear
about why Mary's
so freaked out at that moment?
Wow... I think it's
pretty obvious and dramatic.
It is, it's dramatic,
but, you know,
that's Roger's
big thing this season,
is never let the audience
be confused.
Oh, my God, that's just
a huge thing to remove.
No, it's just, you know,
let's see it without it.
Humor. You know, life is full
of funny little strange moments.
I'm just wondering if there
could be, like, not a belly laugh...
I invited Susan to see a rough cut
because I trust her taste.
More importantly, I trust her
as a barometer of Roger's taste.
...to give the audience a little...
Yeah, I mean...
Unfortunately, in this process,
it comes down to the decision of
one person, and that person's Roger.
I was thinking
we could all go down
to El Cholo for dinner tonight.
How do you feel about
some blue corn enchiladas?
Should we ask Daddy
when he gets back?
He's not coming back.
Okay, stop.
We just need to slip a wild line
for you over the shot of Noelle.
What's the line?
"How could you."
- How could you.
- How could you.
It sounds like kosher
drug paraphernalia.
"Hey, Schmuley!
Have a hook on the Hookajew."
I know. It's just
for the test screening.
They really think
people won't get it?
The dumb people might not.
I didn't think we were
making the show for dumb people.
Yeah.
He's not coming back.
How could you?
How could you?!
How could you.
How could you.
How could you...?
- One more.
- How could you?
Cut. Perfect.
- I feel so dirty.
- That's how I like it.
I like that one.
I want to thank you all
very much for coming.
The show is Knowing.
It's a brand-new pilot.
Here, in this audience today,
you are the very first people to see it,
and after it's over,
I will come back here
and we'll all fill out
a comment card on our thoughts.
That being said,
enjoy the show.
Please take as much time
as you like.
There's no rush
with this whatsoever.
When you are finished, we're gonna
break into two separate groups...
men and women...
and then we'll discuss.
One of the most important things
in any new show
is how you feel
about the characters.
If you like the characters,
you're more likely
to tune in next week.
Let's find out about
these characters.
Show of hands...
how many of you liked
the character of Gabriel?
One, two, three, four, five, six.
How 'bout Mary?
One, two, three, four.
Noelle?
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven.
So, it's everybody.
Sierra?
One, two, three, four.
That's it?
Is there anything confusing
in the storyline
that's not resolved for you?
Look at this guy.
This guy hasn't budged.
His eyes are shut.
That's helpful. Thank you.
I hate it in movies
and TV shows when they
leave the car windows down
when they totally wouldn't.
- So they can see the camera?
- What's the difference.
Want to see the camera?
Was this an issue
for anybody else?
One.
Any other confusions?
Yeah. Was the little girl deaf
or was she just mute?
Is the little girl deaf or mute...
is she deaf or mute?
I'm saying what would
you say to him?
I'm not saying I don't know.
Come on. We're not signing to her,
she's signing to us.
We're just speaking to her,
and she seems to understand it.
I thought that was quite clear.
That guy's staring at me.
He can't see you.
God, he's staring at me.
I just waved,
and he nodded his head.
He can't see you.
Can't see us.
Susan, he's looking right at me.
You didn't raise your hand
to any questions. Any thoughts?
- It's not real.
- What does that mean?
The show's not real.
Why can't you see that? Jesus!
What, are you fucking blind?!
You think you're
above this, don't you?
You are trapped here
with the rest of us, brother.
Get out. Get out!
Oblivio accebit!
Oh, my God.
You okay?
Yeah, but what was that?
Oh, my God.
I don't know.
The guy was crazy, clearly, I just...
I mean, the show's a little bit twisted,
so maybe it flipped something in him.
What did he say?
He said, "Oblivio accebit."
It's Latin,
"oblivion approaches."
What does that mean?
Other than the world
is coming to an end?
"Oblivio" can also mean forgetting.
Forgetfulness.
But I think that's
what I'm gonna do.
Forget it.
He was a terrible comedian
and his mom ran the lmprov.
Oh, my God, Pauly Shore.
You're not helping me at all!
Designer that was killed in Miami
outside of his house.
Gianni Versace!
One word for both of them.
Brangelina.
This is a hard one,
and I don't know how to do it.
You're giving...
you and I should switch,
because that's... you're...
...three weeks later.
I remember that.
Did you have a chance
to look at those cards yet?
From the screening?
Pardon me.
- Daddy needs a drink.
- Help yourself then.
Hey, woman! Where's my drink?
I'm-a comin'!
But I still love you most.
People will write things
on those cards
that they won't say
in a focus group.
They get more specific.
Roger says, you know,
forget about the people
who score you
in the twos and threes,
because they're never
gonna like your show.
- Instead, look for the nines.
- The nines.
They're the ones
who think your show is almost
the best thing
they've ever seen.
They get your vision,
they just want it to be better.
Round two is starting
without you!
- You gonna look at those cards?
- Absolutely.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Sometimes the numbers
point things out
that you didn't want to admit to yourself,
and in this case, it's Melissa.
Well, her overall scores were okay,
but if you look at the people
who scored the show the highest,
the one consistent dip
was Melissa.
There's some sort of subtle
undertones of negativity there.
Well, Gavin, the show is testing
very well in the Midwest,
but it's not doing well in the urban areas,
and it's not doing well with men.
We've got a major problem,
and I really need you
to think about this with me.
It's Melissa, and it's just
what I thought it was gonna be.
If you'd read the cards,
you'd understand.
I read some of the cards,
but I don't believe in that stuff.
I don't believe you can let
these armchair quarterbacks...
They're not connecting to Melissa.
And I love her. She's so strong.
I am with you on the fact
that she is not
your traditional lead
of a network television show.
She doesn't have
a ton to do in the pilot.
There's so much to set it up.
That's one of the challenges
of the premise pilot.
- But the network still likes the show.
- Roger is your biggest cheerleader.
Okay, how about above Roger?
Roger's calling the shots on this.
But we all know that Roger
consults with the "higher powers."
- That is true.
- They tell him what to do.
- I'm wondering if they liked the show.
- They haven't seen it.
They're gonna watch
all of the pilots on Friday.
That's what I'm telling you.
I want to have something
to present to them...
Why are you focusing
on Melissa?
She's our biggest concern.
She's also the biggest star
on the show.
No, no, no.
You are the biggest star.
Roger has a huge deal with you,
and he went along with casting Melissa
when it was against his instinct.
Hooray for Roger.
I don't understand
what you want me to do.
Meet with someone.
- Who?
- Dahlia Salem.
I know you like her.
Oh, God.
Are you kidding me?
The network has
a huge holding deal with her.
Yes, and they put her
in Gatins' pilot.
That's dead.
I mean, it's dying.
But the network,
they love Dahlia,
so if she could just
jump into your show...
Just jump over to my show?
There's no such thing...
there's re-shooting the pilot,
and I brought this up
months and months ago.
You guys kept pushing
other people on me,
and I kept saying Melissa,
Melissa, Melissa.
You kept pushing Melissa on us,
and now we have a problem.
You're very lucky
in that Roger will pay for this.
Roger is willing to re-shoot
this entire fucking thing.
Is this really
about Melissa?
This is about getting
your show on the air, right?
I need you to focus on that.
In the end, that's all that matters.
That's my job.
- Hey, hi.
- Hi.
- Hey, hi.
- Hi.
- Well, nice to...
- Thank you for doing this.
Absolutely. I've been looking
forward to this, actually.
- I have a question for you.
- Yes?
Is it "Dalia" or "Dahlia"?
Thank you for asking.
It's "Dalia."
- Dalia. I knew it!
- You did?
I contested this
with someone earlier.
Well, good.
We have the same birthday.
I looked you up on IMDb.
I wanted to see everything you...
yes, we have the same birthday!
Same year, same day,
everything.
- Are you kidding me?
- I'm not kidding you.
- Isn't that cool?
- That's insane.
- November 21st.
- Oh, my God.
So you're completely
and utterly crazy too!
- She works more than me!
- That's the thing that's killing me,
because she gave up
Gilmore Girls to do this show.
She's a very strong character,
and I'm attracted
to strong roles.
Yeah, I'm hoping
to fill her out even more,
and obviously collaborate
with the person that's playing her.
I mean, I see why
the network loves her.
She's adorable,
but it's just that in my head,
you know, I wrote
the role for Melissa.
She's one of my best friends,
and I can only imagine it with her.
Could Dahlia do it?
Absolutely. She's terrific.
It could work, I just don't know
if I want it to work.
When I get stressed out,
I play videogames.
It's my therapy.
Can't have them on my computer
at home 'cause I'd never write.
I love these games
that you can kind of...
lose yourself a little bit in them.
I love that it's a different world
that's existing at the same time.
They're better than real life,
because when you get stuck,
you can always hit "reset."
That's what life needs.
Needs a reset button.
I have to let Melissa go.
What happens
if you don't let Melissa go?
If I don't let Melissa go?
My world ends, so...
I can't let that happen.
If we're gonna replace Melissa,
I want to hear it from Roger.
Roger's on a plane to London,
but I talked with him before he left,
and he said yes on Dahlia.
What does that mean?
It means yes.
Yes, replace Melissa?
Roger wants your show
on the air starring Dahlia,
and I just got off the phone
with her agents, and they love it,
and she loves, loves you.
What about Melissa?
- You want me to call her agents?
- Oh, God, no.
No, I'll tell her.
As long as he needs me
I know where I must be
I am trying to get
my one-woman show together
that I'm trying to squeeze
in between the pilot and the series.
When you add that cry to the voice:
As long as...
I've always been kind of
obsessed with nuns.
You know, they're kind of
like God's fag-hags, so...
I went to private
Catholic schools for 12 years,
so I have a lot of... nuns.
I'm sorry.
I swear, I don't usually...
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I have to take this. I'm so sorry.
Yeah, I guess we still mean it.
They accepted our offer.
All right, we will call you back.
Thank you. No, no, no, it's good.
I know I sound nervous.
Okay, bye.
I think we just bought a house.
Pretty good.
Pretty good, right?
That's good.
- Right?
- Yeah, I'm sorry.
Go to take a phone call...
we just bought a house!
Well, I think that the show
that Gavin wrote for her
could be a really big deal for her,
'cause she's been more
of a supporting character,
and now she's right in the thick.
So, it's exciting.
She's really excited, a little nervous.
Then you will know
If someone needs you
You love them so
I won't...
Betray his trust
Though people say I must
I've got to stay true to...
As long as he needs me
Then he's like,
"I'm straight, remember?"
Suddenly stricken
with some sort of gay panic.
"I'm your straight husband."
- You can throw color swatches at me.
- I know. Oh, I will.
I think my house is haunted.
Well, your house is really old.
Ever since I got back,
I just, I feel like there's...
I feel like there's
someone else there,
and then last night,
I thought I heard something,
like, a woman singing.
- What? Like a ghost?
- I guess. I don't know.
Then I saw something.
I actually ran into someone.
I mean, I saw...
Was it the singing ghost?
It was a man.
I think it was me.
What? Your house
is haunted by yourself?
Yeah, I don't, I mean, I'm like...
having a nervous breakdown
or something.
I'm literally so focused
on this show
that I feel like I'm living
inside of the show.
I can't tell where
it ends and I begin,
and I'm having
conversations with people,
and I'm ten feet outside
of my body and looking down.
There I am, having
this conversation with somebody,
and I'm just observing it,
you know.
Just, I don't feel good.
You're just stressed, right?
The network wants
to replace you.
Oh, my God.
And I'm letting them,
because I really want
this show on the air.
I have all these characters
inside my head,
and they wanna live,
and I'm the only way...
This is the only way
that they can.
- I have five seasons mapped out.
- Oh, five?
Well, it sucks.
Either you go away
or the show goes,
and I had to make a decision,
and that's the decision
that I made.
And I am so sorry.
I understand.
I mean, it's not your fault, right?
I mean, it couldn't be your fault.
You are morally incapable
of doing the right thing.
Right? Don't do that.
Don't get me wrong.
I think you do feel bad for me.
That's all I think you feel for me.
Okay, I am still the fat girl
you call on Friday nights
when your date falls through.
"Hey, let's go see a movie!"
"Let's go to Fubar."
"Then when I pick up
a hot piece of ass, I'll drop you,
"and that's okay...
don't worry about Melissa.
I mean, you can call her tomorrow
and apologize, or not."
It doesn't really matter 'cause we're not
actually friends, are we, Gavin?
- That's just not true.
- Isn't it, really?
I prefer to not do this
on camera, okay?
- Is this not a good idea?
- Please lower your voice.
I'm not gonna lower my voice.
Is that embarrassing?
You can't control this one.
Your little puppets
are off their strings,
running around saying shit
that you didn't write.
Well, this is reality,
and it scares the shit out of you.
Reality scares me?
Does it really?
I'm gonna tell you, you wouldn't
be here if it wasn't for me.
I gave you your first few roles
and your career as a result.
That's reality, Melissa.
Thank you for finally
playing that fucking card,
the "I invented
Melissa McCarthy" card.
I bought a house, Gavin!
I bought a house
'cause of what we talked about.
Fuck you, and don't ever
fucking pity me again.
Cut, please.
Please.
Upfronts is the week each year
when the networks present
their fall schedule to the advertisers.
It's a very important event for us,
and the weeks preceding it
are pretty stressful
because the schedule is a secret
right up until it's announced.
"Upfronts"
is a complete oxymoron
because nobody's
remotely honest, so it's...
It's really a show
for the advertisers
to get them really jazzed up
about the new product for the fall.
"Here's our new shit. Like it?"
There's lots of upsides...
you're in New York.
Any time you're in New York City
is a good time.
So, have you heard from Susan?
No, I've not heard
from Susan as of yet.
I left her four or five messages
telling her what
went down with Melissa,
and that I let her go,
and that I met with Dahlia...
and I've not yet
heard back from her.
I feel bad about
what happened with Melissa,
but it's a two-way street
and I'm a little angry, too.
We've been friends for years.
I think we'll be friends again.
We'll move on.
Ice cold water, ice cold water.
Only one dollar.
I was 12 when we got in this car.
I've not yet heard from Susan.
Got off the plane,
checked messages, nothing.
I suppose that we have a...
I suppose we have
a reciprocal relationship,
my show and your show.
That's the thing
about reality television, isn't it...
the worse it gets for me,
the better it is for you.
It certainly inspires
a newfound sympathy
for my characters.
You know,
I put them through hell.
I kill off their husbands
or throw them off cliffs.
I'm a cruel god...
all in the name of a good story
or compelling television.
What's funny is that I'm
a character in your show.
I'm disposable.
Kill off the hero.
No one will see it coming.
I dare you.
I think I'm just tired, you know?
I'm just tired.
It's just so surreal being here.
It's not at all how I imagined.
Hey, you!
Hey, hi!
God, Gavin.
Get in here, get in here!
You're doing your show.
And so are you.
Welcome to reality television.
Did you just get in?
Just now.
This whole last 24 hours
have been surreal.
Right. I just said that. Surreal.
- You're good?
- Yeah, great.
I wanted to call you, and...
Oh, yeah? Call anytime.
Seriously, I don't sleep, so...
I just felt really weird
about what happened.
It's just too bad.
What happened?
So I just bumped
into Dahlia Salem,
star of my show.
She tells me that
Gatins' show got picked up,
so, no, she won't
be starring in my show,
which makes me wonder
if my show even exists.
No, no, I left word for Roger,
and I left word for Susan too.
It's like they dropped off
the face of the Earth.
Just call me
when you know something.
At this moment,
I can't be certain
whether Knowing will end up
on the schedule at all.
As far as Gavin's concerned,
the show is on the air.
You don't normally fly to New York
and find out at the last fucking second
that your show's
been pulled off the air.
- Excuse me.
- So what is the situation right now?
I don't know. Right now,
the entire schedule is in flux,
and I get these missives
from Roger and the "higher powers,"
but you're not really sure
what they add up to.
What's up?
They flew you out here anyway, huh?
- Oh, see you... you know!
- No, I mean...
It would've been great if you'd extended
the common courtesy of a call.
Gavin, this is
the television business.
It's like high school.
I don't know what to tell you, man.
- I'm sorry.
- Sorry?
But I'm kind of not.
I want my show on the air,
just like you want
your show on the air.
It was shitty of you to go
behind my back after Dahlia, okay?
That was shitty.
And you fired
Melissa McCarthy without...
you didn't even have a backup.
Why would they pick up
your show without a star?
- The network wanted Dahlia.
- They wanted Dahlia in my show.
We tested before your show.
We tested through the roof.
You should see the numbers.
I'll show them to you.
- Really?
- Yeah. Who's your exec?
Susan Howard.
Susan Howard.
She was there.
Ask her.
She would know.
I'm at the UTA party.
Did you hear
about Ricky's assistant?
She literally shat herself.
- No, I saw it!
- Hey!
I'll break your fucking finger!
I'll call you back.
All right, let me explain
why I didn't call you back.
Roger wanted to talk
to you personally.
- Bullshit. Bullshit.
- We're only picking up two dramas.
- The rest is what, reality?
- You can go mid-season.
You can go to hell, okay?
All right.
I've been the only one here
trying to protect you...
Oh, God, don't start!
Protecting me from what?
From you? You're psychotic.
All I wanna know is why.
- You want a motive?
- I do.
This isn't Crim9 Lab.
Nobody got murdered.
This isn't Crim9 Lab.
Nobody got murdered.
My show did. Tell me why.
I had to get you away from her.
She was holding you back.
- You had to give her up.
- Melissa.
If she really mattered so much,
you couldn't have
betrayed her so easily.
Do you manipulate everybody
or am I special?
Are you the victim here?
The big creator can't stand up
to one little d-girl?
- It was your choice.
- Give me a break.
I didn't have a choice.
It was either Dahlia or no show.
That was the only thing...
oh, fuck you!
Fuck you!
Your dialogue
used to be a lot sharper.
Maybe Gatins
could give it a polish.
Is that all there is?
You feel like a man?
Because I'll tell you
a little secret.
You're not.
Hey, look, my...
I don't wanna do this anymore.
My show is not gonna happen,
so this show's over, done, gone,
good-bye, thank you very much.
I'm not gonna be
your fuckin' puppet!
- Are you all right?
- I'm fine.
Who you talkin' to?
Oh, God.
I can understand
why you're a little confused.
No, no.
I'm a lot confused.
Theories?
This is all a dream?
No.
I'm in a coma?
No.
Then I'm dead?
This is hell
or a purgatorium or something?
Okay, purgatorium
is where Romans vomited,
but no, this is as real
as anything can be.
What does that mean?
Everything is what it is,
but you're not who you think you are.
Okay. Then who am I?
You are...
a multi-dimensional being
of vast, almost infinite power.
You, this body you're in,
it's just one of your incarnations,
avatars, call you what you will.
Are you saying I'm God?
Technically, no.
If God is a ten,
a theoretical ultimate,
you're more of a nine.
What are you?
Humans are sevens.
Monkeys are sixes.
What are the eights?
Koalas.
They're telepathic,
plus they control the weather.
But the important thing is you.
You created this world on a whim
and decided to stick around
to see how it turned out.
You can destroy the world
with a single thought.
Don't, incidentally.
Just file that away.
But... the truth is,
you hold all the cards.
When people pray,
they don't want this thing
or that thing.
They don't want to be forgotten.
So... you understand?
I mean, I would've told you earlier,
but I didn't...
Yeah.
Okay?
I understand.
But I don't believe you.
Noelle, don't get too far ahead.
No! You had ice cream at lunch.
Evidently, frozen yogurt
doesn't count.
I'll make note.
That's blazing speed
right there!
Did you hit it?
Shouldn't have to.
Honey, I think we left
the overhead light on.
Battery's dead.
At least the starter is.
- How do we, uh...?
- We call the service.
There's not much else we can do.
Just the little battery, right?
The big one's probably fine.
I guess.
We can't jump it
from one battery to another?
You cross over somehow?
Who do you think
you married, MacGyver?
Come on. Hold on.
- Are you getting a signal?
- No.
You?
Yes. One bar.
Don't worry.
Daddy's calling people to help us.
Minute you place a call,
the bar goes away.
Keep trying.
I'll keep trying, Mary,
but it's gonna keep happening.
What do you wanna do?
I don't know.
Maybe if you hold it up higher.
Okay, look, the problem is
that we're boxed in.
It's a canyon.
Where we came off the main road,
it was more open and higher, too.
- That's at least a mile.
- I can run that.
So, what, we stay here?
You okay with that?
I don't think we have
much of a choice, so...
- Yeah. Go.
- Okay.
Daddy's gonna get
a truck to help us out.
Take care of Mommy, okay?
All right.
Be right back.
Excuse me.
Hi. Do you have a cell phone?
Oh, no, I don't.
There's no service up here.
Yeah, I'm finding that out.
You can usually get a signal
down at the ranger's station.
Yeah, you just follow
the road down.
It's probably... I don't know.
You got a car?
No, it's dead.
That's why I need a...
Are you headed
back to your car now?
If you could give me a ride
to a gas station, wherever?
Look, I'm not
some crazy Ted Bundy guy.
I'm not gonna rape
or kill you or anything.
Which is, of course,
what a Ted Bundy would say.
Look, I'm a videogame designer.
My wife is an editor,
my daughter's eight.
Look, I just... they're waiting
back at the car.
Just a little help before it gets dark.
I'll call somebody
when I get back to town.
I believe you, I do, it's just
you don't know where the car is,
and the guy might not come.
- We can't be up here all night, so...
- Sorry.
- Don't be sorry, just help me out.
- No.
I can't.
Why won't you trust me?
Okay, but you have to be careful.
Understand? You have
to use big girl hands.
You want to see
where we were today?
Okay, hit play. This button.
There's you and there's Daddy.
A little movie star.
He'll be back soon.
Don't you worry.
Are you following me?
Since I was sure
you weren't following me.
I'm sorry, it's just...
- You thought I was Ted Bundy.
- Kind of.
My name's Gabriel... Bundy.
Sierra.
It's weird
that there's no cars at all.
Yeah, I'll say.
Anyway, my car
is parked over there.
It's not that far,
and if you want, I could
give you a ride to town.
That'd be great.
Thank you.
- Make up some karma.
- Please, lead the way.
Just a sec.
Okay, confession.
I kind of recognized you.
Really.
I wasn't sure,
but I think I saw a picture of you
in my boyfriend's
videogame magazine.
Right? You're, like, the shit.
No, no.
You're like the Quentin Tarantino
of their world,
videogame god.
- Not really, no.
- Fine.
You seriously recognized me
off one photo?
I thought you were
kind of hot, considering.
Considering...?
Within the subset
of videogame people.
I wasn't masturbating
to your picture or anything.
I guess I'm flattered.
You should be.
I'm stingy with compliments.
Your boyfriend
plays videogames?
Ex-boyfriend.
And yes, way too many.
He used to play Evercrack
back in the day,
but your game was, like,
I don't know,
what's worse than crack?
Supercrack?
He was spending
collecting Thunderleaf
or whatever,
and I was his mule, hauling it around,
'cause he ran out of space.
You had an account?
Part of your world,
and you didn't know it.
I'm sorry.
You can make it up to me.
Shit.
Come on, come on,
come on, come on.
And I am so sorry.
I understand.
It's not your fault, right?
It couldn't be your fault.
You're morally incapable
of doing the right thing.
- I don't...
- Right?
So, you play a lot
of characters at once?
A couple.
Most people do.
But you're not most people.
You created the world.
You know all the secret codes.
- What, like god mode?
- Is that what you call it?
It's when you have all the powers
and you can't be killed.
It's actually boring to play, though.
A game isn't fun
unless there are rules.
And you make the rules.
Yeah, I do.
Thanks.
Do you think that I'm pretty?
What?
Do you think I'm hot...
on a purely physical level?
Sure.
That's a rave.
Well, I don't know
why you're asking.
My ex-boyfriend the orc,
used to say,
"The thing that I like about you
is you're not so hot
I'm afraid I'm gonna lose you."
So where's the orc now?
He's dead.
I spiked his water bottle
with a massive quantity of GHB.
He hallucinated,
went into convulsions, and died.
Remind me not
to piss you off, Sarah.
Sierra!
Sorry.
What makes you think
you haven't pissed me off already?
How you doin', kiddo?
I was thinking we could all go
to El Cholo for dinner tonight.
How do you feel about
some blue corn enchiladas?
Should we ask Daddy
when he gets back?
He's not coming back.
How could you?
How could you?!
How could you.
How could you.
How could you...?
- How could you?
- Cut. Perfect.
I feel so dirty.
That's how I like it.
Wait.
Something's wrong.
I feel...
Wait.
I have a wife and a daughter.
They're waiting for me.
- Where are they?
- Back at the car.
Which direction?
Face it, G, you don't know
where they are.
You don't know where you are.
We've been walking
in circles for an hour.
- Where is your car?
- There is no car.
It was all a pretense,
an excuse to get you on your own.
You getting dizzy?
It's just the GHB in the water.
What's happening?
I'm sorry that it had
to come to this, G.
I promise it's gonna
be over soon.
You're trying to kill me?
No, this is not a murder.
It's an intervention.
Do you feel like a man?
You're not.
I had to get you away from her.
She was holding you back.
- You had to give her up.
- Melissa.
- Allee--allee--all come free!
- There's something wrong...
I can get you out of here,
but you have to trust me.
Do you feel like a man?
'Cause I'll tell you
a little secret.
You're not.
Why are you doing this?
You did this to yourself.
And admitting that
is the first step.
You're a crackhead, G.
Thing is, this planet
and these people,
they're your drug of choice.
It wasn't that hard
to make a universe.
At first you just checked in
every once in a while...
...see how the Neanderthals
were doing,
move a couple
of continents around.
But then you got
more into it.
You started playing a couple
of characters of your own.
Slaves, kings, messiahs.
Pretty soon you were playing 24/7.
How long have I been...
You've been gone
for 4,000 years,
not that time means
the same for us.
You came looking for me?
That's what a girl does.
Why now?
Because you forgot
who you were.
You forgot this wasn't real.
We couldn't just storm in
on a fiery chariot.
It was your universe.
We had to play by your rules.
We had to show you how limited
and corrupt your little world was.
Don't get me wrong,
it's a nice place.
It's cozy...
...but do you remember
where you came from?
Do you remember
where you came from?
It was warm.
And white, like a...
You can't describe it
with human words.
You can't think it
with human thoughts.
We need you to come back.
With us.
Come back with me.
You can destroy the world
with a single thought.
You can destroy the world
with a single thought.
Don't, incidentally.
Just file that away.
The truth is you hold all the cards.
When people pray, they
don't want this thing or that thing.
They just... they don't
want to be forgotten.
You understand?
Noelle?
I would have
told you earlier, but...
Noelle?!
Maybe if I just cut back;
didn't get so involved.
We both know
that'll never work.
Next week you'll be back here
redesigning the pinecones.
You have to quit, cold turkey.
I can't.
You can,
but I can't force you to leave.
You have to want it.
Noelle!
Come on!
Answer Mama!
Answer me!
She's here.
I didn't forget
about you guys.
Everything okay?
Yeah, everything's fine.
Absolutely.
Let's go home.
Good night, Jellybean.
You need to go, don't you?
No.
I can stay.
How long, forever?
Every day you'd be here,
you'd know what you were missing.
What happens if you go?
Worst case scenario?
Disintegration of everything
into a fiery void, oblivio accebit.
The end of everything.
That's all?
Probably wouldn't happen.
I guess I'm more worried
about the human factor.
You guys kill each other a lot.
In fairness, it's usually in your name.
Plus, we've gotten
much more efficient at it.
I like this world.
I like my life here
with you and Noelle.
It's not real.
I'm not really your wife.
You're not really my husband.
On some level, it's all pretend.
How many versions were there?
Ninety.
This is the last one.
I've destroyed billions of people
with a thought...
and you'd like to think
that it's painless.
Stop.
You don't have to explain
or apologize.
Everything that is
is because of you.
And if that's all there is,
that's enough.
So.
So.
Guess you don't really
need to pack anything.
I'm good.
You're great.
- It has been a pleasure.
- Likewise.
I love you.
I love you, too,
you big lug.
You're my favorite.
...should we measure it first?
Got flour, we have flour.
All right, so I need oil.
We need nutmeg.
Honey, do we have nutmeg?
We should.
Good. Good, good, good.
- Nutmeg.
- Cinnamon, too.
If I had a horse,
I would name her Cinnamon.
- And if I had another horse...
- Nutmeg?
No, Flash.
What? Why Flash?
I mean, I would name her Flash
because she'd be
the fastest horse in the world.
I mean in the whole world.
- In the whole world?
- Ever whole.
The ever whole world?
That's pretty good.
That's pretty fast.
Yes, and I would be a princess.
Sweetie?
This might sound really strange,
but what's my name?
Mommy.
Right. Exactly.
He's not coming back.
But it's gonna be okay.
He put all the pieces together.
- It's like...
- The best of all possible worlds.
Honey, is it supposed
to stick like this?
- Better help him.
- Let's go.
- Do you see what I'm talking about?
- Oh, my gosh.
...consistency.
Is it maybe a little... it's too thick.
We can safely say
that's too thick?
Will you get some milk?
- Get milk?
- See, it says milk on the recipe.
Ready?
Oh, my. Oh, no!
All right.
Oh, don't mess it up.
Don't mess it up.
Thank you.
Shouldn't we
be using a machine?
- Isn't there a machine we can...
- I'm the machine!
You're our machine?
- All right.
- Come on, machine.
Okay, hold on. Let's...
You sell crack?
No, it's cool. I'm only a cop on TV.
How much... right on.
Is this crack?
You know how to do it?
Yes. Yes, hello.
I'm having a medical situation.
Yeah, okay,
I don't have a belly button.
I do not have a belly button
where I should on my belly,
and I'm concerned
because I don't know if that's...
Can a person live
without a belly button?
'Cause if you think about it,
you're born with one...
and if you don't have one
you're unborn,
and it's really hazy
whether you're alive or not.
I guess I'm wondering...
...am I alive?
Or what if I'm God?
I don't think I need an ambulance,
but I should probably
go to the hospital.
Yeah, I should.
Like you've never done worse!
Okay, yes, he totaled a car,
but it was
an environmentally friendly car.
Why doesn't that
get reported?
He was heartbroken, betrayed.
You say you understand,
but you don't... you can't.
You're like a big, giant Vulcan.
He's coming.
I'll call you later.
Hi. Margaret.
I work for Lola.
- Gary.
- I know.
We need to go out the back.
- Are there reporters out front?
- A few.
Not Hugh Grant level,
more like Robert Downey Jr.
When he broke into that family's house
and slept in the kid's bed.
I handled episodes two
through four for Robert,
so this sort of thing
is my specialty.
Okay, just so it's said,
this house is flammable.
I didn't mean
to burn down my house.
Yeah, and I didn't mean to eat my way
into a ten-year shame spiral,
but I did, and it's healthier
to acknowledge it.
So, this flammable house
belongs to one of Lola's
other fabulous clients,
who is currently shooting
a pilot in Toronto.
- An actor?
- Writer.
So, for the next six weeks,
su casa es su casa.
I say feel free to wear his clothes.
He'll probably get
a sick thrill out of it.
The gays.
He has dogs.
Yeah, they're away at summer camp.
Now, try the bed.
It's fine.
- Comfortable?
- Sure.
Look, Gary, I know this
has been crazy and stressful.
I want you to feel
safe and comfortable.
- I do.
- I'm a fan of yours, you know.
Your number-one fan!
But if you fuck this up,
I will smash your ankles
with a sledgehammer.
And that wouldn't be comfortable
for either one of us.
Nine dogs ran through the field.
The koala sits in the tree.
It's computer voice-recognition.
The parole system can call
you any time, day or night.
If you don't pick up
within five rings,
the police come
and haul your ass off.
What if I'm not here?
That's why they call it
"house arrest."
You stay inside your house.
He can take direction,
I promise.
I'll be coming by twice a day
to check up on you.
I should be
the only person coming by...
no pals, no buddies,
no heroin dealers.
I don't do heroin.
Yeah, crack is classy.
And I'm not buying you porn.
There's spray-per-view
on cable.
Great, 'cause I really
wasn't concerned
about my career,
family, or future.
- I just wanted to jerk off.
- Let me see your phone.
Come on, all my numbers
are in there.
Dial ten digits at random.
Whoever answers will be better
than the people on that phone.
You have my cell number,
you have delivery menus.
You're fine, right?
Bad idea.
Be good!
Keep it.
Someone was trying
to destroy the evidence.
Someone failed.
Once we get these samples
back to the crime lab...
we'll know
who the real killer is.
Somebody there?
Hello!
Hello?
Yes.
Nine leopards
ran through the jungle.
I bought two cakes
at the store.
The house is haunted.
There's a zeitgeist
or some...
Poltergeist, and no.
Maybe they were rats.
L.A.'s teeming with rats.
They live in the palm trees.
Maybe.
Okay, you know,
I'm a licensed psychotherapist.
Really?
No, I'm a publicist.
My job is what
other people think of you,
not what you think of yourself,
so pull your shit together.
I am this close to getting
Christine Walsh to do
your piece in Parade.
Parade? I fucking hate Parade.
Everybody hates Parade,
but the people that watch Crim9 Lab
love their Marilyn Vos Savant.
One heartfelt act of contrition,
and maybe the show writer
won't kill off your character
between seasons.
I swear to God,
if you go bat-shit on me...
I'm not crazy.
Exactly. Exactly.
Sorry! I'm sorry.
Over here, to your left.
Right. Sorry, right.
I was practicing my putting,
if you can believe that.
Not really.
Okay, maybe I was
just looking for a way
to meet my infamous neighbor.
You see, I'm under house arrest too.
What'd you do?
I had sex with my husband.
That's awful.
Nine months later,
I had Jaden.
That's her over there.
She's a cutie.
She's sleeping for another...
Seventeen minutes.
She likes to keep to a schedule.
She seems really boring.
She is.
You're rich.
Shouldn't you have
a nanny from Ecuador?
I'm Canadian.
Can't work in the U.S.
Plus, I want to keep
this air of moral superiority
by doing everything myself.
Very Canadian.
Thanks.
Jaden goes down again
around 2:30.
Maybe I could stop by?
I'm pretty sure I'll be here.
It's a date.
Is it?
- I'm Sarah, by the way.
- Gary.
Yeah, I know.
"The best of all possible worlds."
Okay.
Voltaire, Candide.
Are you actually reading it?
I thought I was.
Sorry I bailed.
Jaden had a fever.
How boring of her.
Housewarming gift!
Demon liquor.
And the best part is I can drink it.
I pumped before I came.
So did I.
It's hard to prove
that I was only trying
to burn my ex-girlfriend's stuff
and not the entire house.
Yeah, fire's tricky that way.
Yeah. How 'bout you?
Any history of arson?
Strangely enough...
I knew it. I could see
that little spark.
Well, it wasn't arson, probably.
When I was a little girl,
our house caught on fire.
Oh, shit.
I'll never forget the look
on my father's face
as he gathered me up
in his arms and raced
through the burning building
out onto the pavement.
I stood there,
shivering in my pajamas,
and watched the whole world
go up in flames.
And when it was over,
I said to myself,
"Is that all there is to a fire?"
Is that all there is?
Is that all there is?
Is that all there is?
If that's all there is, my friends
Then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze
And have a ball
If that's all there is
And then I met
the most wonderful boy in the world.
We would take long walks
by the river.
We'd sit for hours
gazing into each other's eyes.
We were so very much in love.
And then one day he went away,
and I thought I'd die, but I didn't.
And when I didn't, I said to myself,
"Is that all there is to love?"
Is that all there is
Is that all there is
If that's all there is, my friends
Then let's keep...
I know what you're thinking.
If that's the way she feels about it,
why doesn't she just end it all?
Oh, no.
I'm in no hurry
for that final disappointment.
I know as sure as I'm
standing here talking to you,
that when
that final moment comes
and I'm breathing my last breath,
I'll be saying to myself...
Is that all there is
Is that all there is
If that's all there is, my friends
Then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze
and have a ball
If that's all...
- I need to go.
- What?
Sorry, sorry.
Where are my shoes?
- Wait, just...
- Sorry.
Don't worry about it. Just...
I should go. Good-bye.
You coming back?
And if that mockingbird won't sing
Mama's gonna buy you
a diamond ring
And if that cart and bull fall down
You'll still be the sweetest
little baby in town
Good night, sweetheart.
Good night.
The cat says, "Meow."
The pig says, "Oink."
The cow says, "Moo."
The cow says, "Moo."
The cow says, "Moo."
The dog says, "Nine.
Nine, nine, nine, nine."
Hello?
Yes.
Two trains run through the forest.
Nine, nine, nine, nine, nine...
Fuck.
Jesus, you scared
the shit out of me.
What... I don't... I'm sorry.
Oh, no, I'm...
I'm fine. I'll be fine, yeah.
Where are your parents?
No, no, no, your mom and dad.
Where's your mom and dad?
I don't know what you're saying.
Look, hey, look,
I don't speak that,
so just go back
to wherever you came from.
You shouldn't be out here.
No, no, no. Go...
It's not safe for you to be out here.
You should go back, okay?
Oh, shit.
Evening, Officers.
Once again, house arrest means
you stay inside your house.
Think of it like
an electronic leash.
Think of it like
an electronic leash.
If you even go more than
the cops come,
and they throw your ass in jail.
If you ever try to take it off,
the cops come,
and they throw your ass in jail.
If they ever detect drugs
or alcohol in your system...
Cops come.
Throw my ass in jail.
No, I kick your ass.
Then the cops come
and throw your ass in jail.
Do I still have to answer the phone?
I'll be doing that from now on.
I'm moving into the guest room.
I don't need a babysitter.
Despite all evidence
to the contrary.
Don't worry,
I'm a cool roomie.
Who do you think taught
Affleck how to gamble?
Let's never hear that again!
...ninety-seven,
ninety-eight, ninety-nine.
One hundred feet.
Behold, the edge of your world.
In the world,
out of the world.
In the world,
out of the world...
Hey, I'm dancing!
Sure, absolutely.
So the guy's like,
"Do you know fencing?"
And I say, "That's what it says
on my headshot."
- Lies.
- Oh, always. Always.
So he says to me,
"Foil or epi?"
- Epee!
- And I say I'm about equal in both...
- Which is true!
- Exactly.
Anyway, he throws me
this fucking Conan sword, right?
And then he just starts
going after me.
I'm just swinging.
I'm just trying to stay alive,
right, with my eyes closed,
and I end up accidentally
cutting his ear.
You cut off his ear?
Yeah... well, no, no,
just a little, right.
But I ended up getting the job.
Wait, you were in
Pirates of the Caribbean?
Yeah. No, no.
No, not the movie, the ride.
I was all, like, "Arr, keep
both hands inside the boat."
Don't. No finger.
Good night, fuckface.
Good night, you filthy whore.
It's incredible.
Whenever I see them,
I always feel like... damn.
I was born at the wrong time.
Exactly.
- Where's the warden?
- Groceries.
Quite the little missus.
- How's Jaden?
- Boring.
We haven't had nearly the grand old time
you two have been having.
You've been watching.
Well, I don't want
to meddle in your affairs.
My affairs?
Everyone needs affection.
I get it.
I don't. Are you seriously jealous?
The opposite.
I just want to protect her.
- From what?
- From you.
Look at you. You date models,
actresses, tennis players.
Yeah?
On a scale of one to ten,
you belong with the nines.
We both know
you won't settle for less.
What are the nines?
What?
"Look for the nines"?
It's not mine.
- It's your handwriting.
- I didn't write it.
Okay.
Allee--allee--all come free.
What?
Nothing.
Seriously. What?
Nothing. I thought you were...
Forget it. Done. Sorry.
Hiya. Hi.
What?
I have to take this.
Who thought
it was a good idea
to let Courtney
into a pottery shop?
I know who you are.
- Really.
- I know what you are.
If you come near him again...
You'll what?
What are you gonna do about it?
Sorry, what's he calling you?
Margaret.
I like that. Margaret. Classic.
- Why don't you leave him alone?
- Alone?
He can't be left alone.
He's an actor.
If no one's watching him,
he doesn't really exist.
And for the record...
I'm not the one deceiving him.
He'll figure it out eventually,
and when he does, who do you
think he's going to blame?
Good night, rat face.
Good night.
Hey, neighbor.
Sorry for the psychotic episode.
Okay.
Are you okay?
You look a little Beautiful Mind-ish.
How many times should
the number nine come up?
Probablistically?
"Probablistically"?
You know what I mean.
One time out of ten.
How about every time?
But they only show up
when you look for them.
Looking for them changes things.
Some of these are prices,
and there's gonna be a lot of nines.
There's something wrong.
There's something wrong
with the world.
I can get you out of here,
but you have to trust me.
Good morning.
Everything okay?
Peachy.
Peachy's good.
I like peaches.
You want coffee?
Yeah.
What do I do?
Do you trust me?
You okay?
No.
Tell me about the nines.
The nines?
The nines.
It's sort of hard to start there.
Try, and don't tell me
I'm imagining it,
'cause they're showing up everywhere,
and I want to know why.
Best guess?
They're your subconscious
trying to remind you who you are.
I'm a nine?
Yes.
Doesn't make much sense
out of context.
You're not gonna
understand this yet, but...
we've known each other
for, like, 25 years.
One day when I was 12,
you called me out of the blue
and we've been talking
ever since.
Talking.
On the phone, usually.
I never met you
before I came here.
You, Gary, never met me, no,
but you're not always...
I can understand
why you're a little confused.
No, no.
I'm a lot confused.
Theories?
- This is all a dream?
- No.
- I'm in a coma?
- No.
Then I'm dead?
This is hell or a purgatorium
or something?
Okay, purgatorium
is where Romans vomited,
but no, this is as real
as anything can be.
What does that mean?
Everything is what it is,
but you're not
who you think you are.
God, no, Gary, please don't.
You can't trust her.
She's a nine.
You don't know
what you're doing.
Okay, so what happens
if I cross this line?
I don't know,
but it's not good.
Shit.
Previously
on Behind the Screen...
Gavin Taylor is one
of the best TV writers out there.
Every network would kill
to work with him.
- Good to see you!
- You look wonderful.
My name's Gavin Taylor.
I'm a film and television writer.
Knowing is a one-hour drama
about a woman
whose husband disappears.
She believes that her daughter
is the key to a dark conspiracy.
Even way back into The Fugitive,
where they didn't have
the full setup
and the payoff in each episode.
Knowing is not
gonna be Crim9 Lab,
not the popular kind of
mystery shows that are out there
where we get all the answers.
...trying to figure out how long
is the attention span
of today's audience.
So, boil it down for me.
Give me one line that we
can really set Roger on fire with.
Basically, it's like
Rosemary's Toddler.
My favorite movie.
That's my favorite film.
We sold it in the room.
Just tell me Roger
liked the script.
You're shooting a pilot.
Melissa McCarthy is my first
and only choice for the lead.
...writing a show
for you. For you.
- Really?
- Yes.
Gavin and I have been
friends forever.
It's delightful to be working
on Knowing,
and it's, you know,
not surprisingly,
a fantastic script,
and it's a great cast.
Gilmore Girls has been great,
but, you know,
I'm excited to go
and to have something
this great to go into.
I totally trust Gavin.
The only way we can afford
to shoot the pilot is in Canada.
- I can't believe we're shooting it...
- A 15-day shoot versus...
This is not an argument
I'm going to win.
It's really hard to think about
leaving for six weeks.
Puggies.
Action.
Puggies!
Where's your brother?
It's just so weird being back.
It just doesn't feel like
my house anymore.
At this stage,
you have the script that you wrote
and the film that you shot,
but you don't know how
it's gonna come together.
You just know how
you want it to feel.
Understand?
You have to use big girl hands.
You want to see
where we were today?
Okay, hit play. This button.
There's you and there's Daddy.
Oh, a little movie star.
Oh, he'll be back soon.
Don't you worry.
I don't know if we need
the cold open.
I think we want to get
right to the story.
- The story's so strong.
- Excuse me?
Is there any way
we could be more clear
about why Mary's
so freaked out at that moment?
Wow... I think it's
pretty obvious and dramatic.
It is, it's dramatic,
but, you know,
that's Roger's
big thing this season,
is never let the audience
be confused.
Oh, my God, that's just
a huge thing to remove.
No, it's just, you know,
let's see it without it.
Humor. You know, life is full
of funny little strange moments.
I'm just wondering if there
could be, like, not a belly laugh...
I invited Susan to see a rough cut
because I trust her taste.
More importantly, I trust her
as a barometer of Roger's taste.
...to give the audience a little...
Yeah, I mean...
Unfortunately, in this process,
it comes down to the decision of
one person, and that person's Roger.
I was thinking
we could all go down
to El Cholo for dinner tonight.
How do you feel about
some blue corn enchiladas?
Should we ask Daddy
when he gets back?
He's not coming back.
Okay, stop.
We just need to slip a wild line
for you over the shot of Noelle.
What's the line?
"How could you."
- How could you.
- How could you.
It sounds like kosher
drug paraphernalia.
"Hey, Schmuley!
Have a hook on the Hookajew."
I know. It's just
for the test screening.
They really think
people won't get it?
The dumb people might not.
I didn't think we were
making the show for dumb people.
Yeah.
He's not coming back.
How could you?
How could you?!
How could you.
How could you.
How could you...?
- One more.
- How could you?
Cut. Perfect.
- I feel so dirty.
- That's how I like it.
I like that one.
I want to thank you all
very much for coming.
The show is Knowing.
It's a brand-new pilot.
Here, in this audience today,
you are the very first people to see it,
and after it's over,
I will come back here
and we'll all fill out
a comment card on our thoughts.
That being said,
enjoy the show.
Please take as much time
as you like.
There's no rush
with this whatsoever.
When you are finished, we're gonna
break into two separate groups...
men and women...
and then we'll discuss.
One of the most important things
in any new show
is how you feel
about the characters.
If you like the characters,
you're more likely
to tune in next week.
Let's find out about
these characters.
Show of hands...
how many of you liked
the character of Gabriel?
One, two, three, four, five, six.
How 'bout Mary?
One, two, three, four.
Noelle?
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven.
So, it's everybody.
Sierra?
One, two, three, four.
That's it?
Is there anything confusing
in the storyline
that's not resolved for you?
Look at this guy.
This guy hasn't budged.
His eyes are shut.
That's helpful. Thank you.
I hate it in movies
and TV shows when they
leave the car windows down
when they totally wouldn't.
- So they can see the camera?
- What's the difference.
Want to see the camera?
Was this an issue
for anybody else?
One.
Any other confusions?
Yeah. Was the little girl deaf
or was she just mute?
Is the little girl deaf or mute...
is she deaf or mute?
I'm saying what would
you say to him?
I'm not saying I don't know.
Come on. We're not signing to her,
she's signing to us.
We're just speaking to her,
and she seems to understand it.
I thought that was quite clear.
That guy's staring at me.
He can't see you.
God, he's staring at me.
I just waved,
and he nodded his head.
He can't see you.
Can't see us.
Susan, he's looking right at me.
You didn't raise your hand
to any questions. Any thoughts?
- It's not real.
- What does that mean?
The show's not real.
Why can't you see that? Jesus!
What, are you fucking blind?!
You think you're
above this, don't you?
You are trapped here
with the rest of us, brother.
Get out. Get out!
Oblivio accebit!
Oh, my God.
You okay?
Yeah, but what was that?
Oh, my God.
I don't know.
The guy was crazy, clearly, I just...
I mean, the show's a little bit twisted,
so maybe it flipped something in him.
What did he say?
He said, "Oblivio accebit."
It's Latin,
"oblivion approaches."
What does that mean?
Other than the world
is coming to an end?
"Oblivio" can also mean forgetting.
Forgetfulness.
But I think that's
what I'm gonna do.
Forget it.
He was a terrible comedian
and his mom ran the lmprov.
Oh, my God, Pauly Shore.
You're not helping me at all!
Designer that was killed in Miami
outside of his house.
Gianni Versace!
One word for both of them.
Brangelina.
This is a hard one,
and I don't know how to do it.
You're giving...
you and I should switch,
because that's... you're...
...three weeks later.
I remember that.
Did you have a chance
to look at those cards yet?
From the screening?
Pardon me.
- Daddy needs a drink.
- Help yourself then.
Hey, woman! Where's my drink?
I'm-a comin'!
But I still love you most.
People will write things
on those cards
that they won't say
in a focus group.
They get more specific.
Roger says, you know,
forget about the people
who score you
in the twos and threes,
because they're never
gonna like your show.
- Instead, look for the nines.
- The nines.
They're the ones
who think your show is almost
the best thing
they've ever seen.
They get your vision,
they just want it to be better.
Round two is starting
without you!
- You gonna look at those cards?
- Absolutely.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Sometimes the numbers
point things out
that you didn't want to admit to yourself,
and in this case, it's Melissa.
Well, her overall scores were okay,
but if you look at the people
who scored the show the highest,
the one consistent dip
was Melissa.
There's some sort of subtle
undertones of negativity there.
Well, Gavin, the show is testing
very well in the Midwest,
but it's not doing well in the urban areas,
and it's not doing well with men.
We've got a major problem,
and I really need you
to think about this with me.
It's Melissa, and it's just
what I thought it was gonna be.
If you'd read the cards,
you'd understand.
I read some of the cards,
but I don't believe in that stuff.
I don't believe you can let
these armchair quarterbacks...
They're not connecting to Melissa.
And I love her. She's so strong.
I am with you on the fact
that she is not
your traditional lead
of a network television show.
She doesn't have
a ton to do in the pilot.
There's so much to set it up.
That's one of the challenges
of the premise pilot.
- But the network still likes the show.
- Roger is your biggest cheerleader.
Okay, how about above Roger?
Roger's calling the shots on this.
But we all know that Roger
consults with the "higher powers."
- That is true.
- They tell him what to do.
- I'm wondering if they liked the show.
- They haven't seen it.
They're gonna watch
all of the pilots on Friday.
That's what I'm telling you.
I want to have something
to present to them...
Why are you focusing
on Melissa?
She's our biggest concern.
She's also the biggest star
on the show.
No, no, no.
You are the biggest star.
Roger has a huge deal with you,
and he went along with casting Melissa
when it was against his instinct.
Hooray for Roger.
I don't understand
what you want me to do.
Meet with someone.
- Who?
- Dahlia Salem.
I know you like her.
Oh, God.
Are you kidding me?
The network has
a huge holding deal with her.
Yes, and they put her
in Gatins' pilot.
That's dead.
I mean, it's dying.
But the network,
they love Dahlia,
so if she could just
jump into your show...
Just jump over to my show?
There's no such thing...
there's re-shooting the pilot,
and I brought this up
months and months ago.
You guys kept pushing
other people on me,
and I kept saying Melissa,
Melissa, Melissa.
You kept pushing Melissa on us,
and now we have a problem.
You're very lucky
in that Roger will pay for this.
Roger is willing to re-shoot
this entire fucking thing.
Is this really
about Melissa?
This is about getting
your show on the air, right?
I need you to focus on that.
In the end, that's all that matters.
That's my job.
- Hey, hi.
- Hi.
- Hey, hi.
- Hi.
- Well, nice to...
- Thank you for doing this.
Absolutely. I've been looking
forward to this, actually.
- I have a question for you.
- Yes?
Is it "Dalia" or "Dahlia"?
Thank you for asking.
It's "Dalia."
- Dalia. I knew it!
- You did?
I contested this
with someone earlier.
Well, good.
We have the same birthday.
I looked you up on IMDb.
I wanted to see everything you...
yes, we have the same birthday!
Same year, same day,
everything.
- Are you kidding me?
- I'm not kidding you.
- Isn't that cool?
- That's insane.
- November 21st.
- Oh, my God.
So you're completely
and utterly crazy too!
- She works more than me!
- That's the thing that's killing me,
because she gave up
Gilmore Girls to do this show.
She's a very strong character,
and I'm attracted
to strong roles.
Yeah, I'm hoping
to fill her out even more,
and obviously collaborate
with the person that's playing her.
I mean, I see why
the network loves her.
She's adorable,
but it's just that in my head,
you know, I wrote
the role for Melissa.
She's one of my best friends,
and I can only imagine it with her.
Could Dahlia do it?
Absolutely. She's terrific.
It could work, I just don't know
if I want it to work.
When I get stressed out,
I play videogames.
It's my therapy.
Can't have them on my computer
at home 'cause I'd never write.
I love these games
that you can kind of...
lose yourself a little bit in them.
I love that it's a different world
that's existing at the same time.
They're better than real life,
because when you get stuck,
you can always hit "reset."
That's what life needs.
Needs a reset button.
I have to let Melissa go.
What happens
if you don't let Melissa go?
If I don't let Melissa go?
My world ends, so...
I can't let that happen.
If we're gonna replace Melissa,
I want to hear it from Roger.
Roger's on a plane to London,
but I talked with him before he left,
and he said yes on Dahlia.
What does that mean?
It means yes.
Yes, replace Melissa?
Roger wants your show
on the air starring Dahlia,
and I just got off the phone
with her agents, and they love it,
and she loves, loves you.
What about Melissa?
- You want me to call her agents?
- Oh, God, no.
No, I'll tell her.
As long as he needs me
I know where I must be
I am trying to get
my one-woman show together
that I'm trying to squeeze
in between the pilot and the series.
When you add that cry to the voice:
As long as...
I've always been kind of
obsessed with nuns.
You know, they're kind of
like God's fag-hags, so...
I went to private
Catholic schools for 12 years,
so I have a lot of... nuns.
I'm sorry.
I swear, I don't usually...
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I have to take this. I'm so sorry.
Yeah, I guess we still mean it.
They accepted our offer.
All right, we will call you back.
Thank you. No, no, no, it's good.
I know I sound nervous.
Okay, bye.
I think we just bought a house.
Pretty good.
Pretty good, right?
That's good.
- Right?
- Yeah, I'm sorry.
Go to take a phone call...
we just bought a house!
Well, I think that the show
that Gavin wrote for her
could be a really big deal for her,
'cause she's been more
of a supporting character,
and now she's right in the thick.
So, it's exciting.
She's really excited, a little nervous.
Then you will know
If someone needs you
You love them so
I won't...
Betray his trust
Though people say I must
I've got to stay true to...
As long as he needs me
Then he's like,
"I'm straight, remember?"
Suddenly stricken
with some sort of gay panic.
"I'm your straight husband."
- You can throw color swatches at me.
- I know. Oh, I will.
I think my house is haunted.
Well, your house is really old.
Ever since I got back,
I just, I feel like there's...
I feel like there's
someone else there,
and then last night,
I thought I heard something,
like, a woman singing.
- What? Like a ghost?
- I guess. I don't know.
Then I saw something.
I actually ran into someone.
I mean, I saw...
Was it the singing ghost?
It was a man.
I think it was me.
What? Your house
is haunted by yourself?
Yeah, I don't, I mean, I'm like...
having a nervous breakdown
or something.
I'm literally so focused
on this show
that I feel like I'm living
inside of the show.
I can't tell where
it ends and I begin,
and I'm having
conversations with people,
and I'm ten feet outside
of my body and looking down.
There I am, having
this conversation with somebody,
and I'm just observing it,
you know.
Just, I don't feel good.
You're just stressed, right?
The network wants
to replace you.
Oh, my God.
And I'm letting them,
because I really want
this show on the air.
I have all these characters
inside my head,
and they wanna live,
and I'm the only way...
This is the only way
that they can.
- I have five seasons mapped out.
- Oh, five?
Well, it sucks.
Either you go away
or the show goes,
and I had to make a decision,
and that's the decision
that I made.
And I am so sorry.
I understand.
I mean, it's not your fault, right?
I mean, it couldn't be your fault.
You are morally incapable
of doing the right thing.
Right? Don't do that.
Don't get me wrong.
I think you do feel bad for me.
That's all I think you feel for me.
Okay, I am still the fat girl
you call on Friday nights
when your date falls through.
"Hey, let's go see a movie!"
"Let's go to Fubar."
"Then when I pick up
a hot piece of ass, I'll drop you,
"and that's okay...
don't worry about Melissa.
I mean, you can call her tomorrow
and apologize, or not."
It doesn't really matter 'cause we're not
actually friends, are we, Gavin?
- That's just not true.
- Isn't it, really?
I prefer to not do this
on camera, okay?
- Is this not a good idea?
- Please lower your voice.
I'm not gonna lower my voice.
Is that embarrassing?
You can't control this one.
Your little puppets
are off their strings,
running around saying shit
that you didn't write.
Well, this is reality,
and it scares the shit out of you.
Reality scares me?
Does it really?
I'm gonna tell you, you wouldn't
be here if it wasn't for me.
I gave you your first few roles
and your career as a result.
That's reality, Melissa.
Thank you for finally
playing that fucking card,
the "I invented
Melissa McCarthy" card.
I bought a house, Gavin!
I bought a house
'cause of what we talked about.
Fuck you, and don't ever
fucking pity me again.
Cut, please.
Please.
Upfronts is the week each year
when the networks present
their fall schedule to the advertisers.
It's a very important event for us,
and the weeks preceding it
are pretty stressful
because the schedule is a secret
right up until it's announced.
"Upfronts"
is a complete oxymoron
because nobody's
remotely honest, so it's...
It's really a show
for the advertisers
to get them really jazzed up
about the new product for the fall.
"Here's our new shit. Like it?"
There's lots of upsides...
you're in New York.
Any time you're in New York City
is a good time.
So, have you heard from Susan?
No, I've not heard
from Susan as of yet.
I left her four or five messages
telling her what
went down with Melissa,
and that I let her go,
and that I met with Dahlia...
and I've not yet
heard back from her.
I feel bad about
what happened with Melissa,
but it's a two-way street
and I'm a little angry, too.
We've been friends for years.
I think we'll be friends again.
We'll move on.
Ice cold water, ice cold water.
Only one dollar.
I was 12 when we got in this car.
I've not yet heard from Susan.
Got off the plane,
checked messages, nothing.
I suppose that we have a...
I suppose we have
a reciprocal relationship,
my show and your show.
That's the thing
about reality television, isn't it...
the worse it gets for me,
the better it is for you.
It certainly inspires
a newfound sympathy
for my characters.
You know,
I put them through hell.
I kill off their husbands
or throw them off cliffs.
I'm a cruel god...
all in the name of a good story
or compelling television.
What's funny is that I'm
a character in your show.
I'm disposable.
Kill off the hero.
No one will see it coming.
I dare you.
I think I'm just tired, you know?
I'm just tired.
It's just so surreal being here.
It's not at all how I imagined.
Hey, you!
Hey, hi!
God, Gavin.
Get in here, get in here!
You're doing your show.
And so are you.
Welcome to reality television.
Did you just get in?
Just now.
This whole last 24 hours
have been surreal.
Right. I just said that. Surreal.
- You're good?
- Yeah, great.
I wanted to call you, and...
Oh, yeah? Call anytime.
Seriously, I don't sleep, so...
I just felt really weird
about what happened.
It's just too bad.
What happened?
So I just bumped
into Dahlia Salem,
star of my show.
She tells me that
Gatins' show got picked up,
so, no, she won't
be starring in my show,
which makes me wonder
if my show even exists.
No, no, I left word for Roger,
and I left word for Susan too.
It's like they dropped off
the face of the Earth.
Just call me
when you know something.
At this moment,
I can't be certain
whether Knowing will end up
on the schedule at all.
As far as Gavin's concerned,
the show is on the air.
You don't normally fly to New York
and find out at the last fucking second
that your show's
been pulled off the air.
- Excuse me.
- So what is the situation right now?
I don't know. Right now,
the entire schedule is in flux,
and I get these missives
from Roger and the "higher powers,"
but you're not really sure
what they add up to.
What's up?
They flew you out here anyway, huh?
- Oh, see you... you know!
- No, I mean...
It would've been great if you'd extended
the common courtesy of a call.
Gavin, this is
the television business.
It's like high school.
I don't know what to tell you, man.
- I'm sorry.
- Sorry?
But I'm kind of not.
I want my show on the air,
just like you want
your show on the air.
It was shitty of you to go
behind my back after Dahlia, okay?
That was shitty.
And you fired
Melissa McCarthy without...
you didn't even have a backup.
Why would they pick up
your show without a star?
- The network wanted Dahlia.
- They wanted Dahlia in my show.
We tested before your show.
We tested through the roof.
You should see the numbers.
I'll show them to you.
- Really?
- Yeah. Who's your exec?
Susan Howard.
Susan Howard.
She was there.
Ask her.
She would know.
I'm at the UTA party.
Did you hear
about Ricky's assistant?
She literally shat herself.
- No, I saw it!
- Hey!
I'll break your fucking finger!
I'll call you back.
All right, let me explain
why I didn't call you back.
Roger wanted to talk
to you personally.
- Bullshit. Bullshit.
- We're only picking up two dramas.
- The rest is what, reality?
- You can go mid-season.
You can go to hell, okay?
All right.
I've been the only one here
trying to protect you...
Oh, God, don't start!
Protecting me from what?
From you? You're psychotic.
All I wanna know is why.
- You want a motive?
- I do.
This isn't Crim9 Lab.
Nobody got murdered.
This isn't Crim9 Lab.
Nobody got murdered.
My show did. Tell me why.
I had to get you away from her.
She was holding you back.
- You had to give her up.
- Melissa.
If she really mattered so much,
you couldn't have
betrayed her so easily.
Do you manipulate everybody
or am I special?
Are you the victim here?
The big creator can't stand up
to one little d-girl?
- It was your choice.
- Give me a break.
I didn't have a choice.
It was either Dahlia or no show.
That was the only thing...
oh, fuck you!
Fuck you!
Your dialogue
used to be a lot sharper.
Maybe Gatins
could give it a polish.
Is that all there is?
You feel like a man?
Because I'll tell you
a little secret.
You're not.
Hey, look, my...
I don't wanna do this anymore.
My show is not gonna happen,
so this show's over, done, gone,
good-bye, thank you very much.
I'm not gonna be
your fuckin' puppet!
- Are you all right?
- I'm fine.
Who you talkin' to?
Oh, God.
I can understand
why you're a little confused.
No, no.
I'm a lot confused.
Theories?
This is all a dream?
No.
I'm in a coma?
No.
Then I'm dead?
This is hell
or a purgatorium or something?
Okay, purgatorium
is where Romans vomited,
but no, this is as real
as anything can be.
What does that mean?
Everything is what it is,
but you're not who you think you are.
Okay. Then who am I?
You are...
a multi-dimensional being
of vast, almost infinite power.
You, this body you're in,
it's just one of your incarnations,
avatars, call you what you will.
Are you saying I'm God?
Technically, no.
If God is a ten,
a theoretical ultimate,
you're more of a nine.
What are you?
Humans are sevens.
Monkeys are sixes.
What are the eights?
Koalas.
They're telepathic,
plus they control the weather.
But the important thing is you.
You created this world on a whim
and decided to stick around
to see how it turned out.
You can destroy the world
with a single thought.
Don't, incidentally.
Just file that away.
But... the truth is,
you hold all the cards.
When people pray,
they don't want this thing
or that thing.
They don't want to be forgotten.
So... you understand?
I mean, I would've told you earlier,
but I didn't...
Yeah.
Okay?
I understand.
But I don't believe you.
Noelle, don't get too far ahead.
No! You had ice cream at lunch.
Evidently, frozen yogurt
doesn't count.
I'll make note.
That's blazing speed
right there!
Did you hit it?
Shouldn't have to.
Honey, I think we left
the overhead light on.
Battery's dead.
At least the starter is.
- How do we, uh...?
- We call the service.
There's not much else we can do.
Just the little battery, right?
The big one's probably fine.
I guess.
We can't jump it
from one battery to another?
You cross over somehow?
Who do you think
you married, MacGyver?
Come on. Hold on.
- Are you getting a signal?
- No.
You?
Yes. One bar.
Don't worry.
Daddy's calling people to help us.
Minute you place a call,
the bar goes away.
Keep trying.
I'll keep trying, Mary,
but it's gonna keep happening.
What do you wanna do?
I don't know.
Maybe if you hold it up higher.
Okay, look, the problem is
that we're boxed in.
It's a canyon.
Where we came off the main road,
it was more open and higher, too.
- That's at least a mile.
- I can run that.
So, what, we stay here?
You okay with that?
I don't think we have
much of a choice, so...
- Yeah. Go.
- Okay.
Daddy's gonna get
a truck to help us out.
Take care of Mommy, okay?
All right.
Be right back.
Excuse me.
Hi. Do you have a cell phone?
Oh, no, I don't.
There's no service up here.
Yeah, I'm finding that out.
You can usually get a signal
down at the ranger's station.
Yeah, you just follow
the road down.
It's probably... I don't know.
You got a car?
No, it's dead.
That's why I need a...
Are you headed
back to your car now?
If you could give me a ride
to a gas station, wherever?
Look, I'm not
some crazy Ted Bundy guy.
I'm not gonna rape
or kill you or anything.
Which is, of course,
what a Ted Bundy would say.
Look, I'm a videogame designer.
My wife is an editor,
my daughter's eight.
Look, I just... they're waiting
back at the car.
Just a little help before it gets dark.
I'll call somebody
when I get back to town.
I believe you, I do, it's just
you don't know where the car is,
and the guy might not come.
- We can't be up here all night, so...
- Sorry.
- Don't be sorry, just help me out.
- No.
I can't.
Why won't you trust me?
Okay, but you have to be careful.
Understand? You have
to use big girl hands.
You want to see
where we were today?
Okay, hit play. This button.
There's you and there's Daddy.
A little movie star.
He'll be back soon.
Don't you worry.
Are you following me?
Since I was sure
you weren't following me.
I'm sorry, it's just...
- You thought I was Ted Bundy.
- Kind of.
My name's Gabriel... Bundy.
Sierra.
It's weird
that there's no cars at all.
Yeah, I'll say.
Anyway, my car
is parked over there.
It's not that far,
and if you want, I could
give you a ride to town.
That'd be great.
Thank you.
- Make up some karma.
- Please, lead the way.
Just a sec.
Okay, confession.
I kind of recognized you.
Really.
I wasn't sure,
but I think I saw a picture of you
in my boyfriend's
videogame magazine.
Right? You're, like, the shit.
No, no.
You're like the Quentin Tarantino
of their world,
videogame god.
- Not really, no.
- Fine.
You seriously recognized me
off one photo?
I thought you were
kind of hot, considering.
Considering...?
Within the subset
of videogame people.
I wasn't masturbating
to your picture or anything.
I guess I'm flattered.
You should be.
I'm stingy with compliments.
Your boyfriend
plays videogames?
Ex-boyfriend.
And yes, way too many.
He used to play Evercrack
back in the day,
but your game was, like,
I don't know,
what's worse than crack?
Supercrack?
He was spending
collecting Thunderleaf
or whatever,
and I was his mule, hauling it around,
'cause he ran out of space.
You had an account?
Part of your world,
and you didn't know it.
I'm sorry.
You can make it up to me.
Shit.
Come on, come on,
come on, come on.
And I am so sorry.
I understand.
It's not your fault, right?
It couldn't be your fault.
You're morally incapable
of doing the right thing.
- I don't...
- Right?
So, you play a lot
of characters at once?
A couple.
Most people do.
But you're not most people.
You created the world.
You know all the secret codes.
- What, like god mode?
- Is that what you call it?
It's when you have all the powers
and you can't be killed.
It's actually boring to play, though.
A game isn't fun
unless there are rules.
And you make the rules.
Yeah, I do.
Thanks.
Do you think that I'm pretty?
What?
Do you think I'm hot...
on a purely physical level?
Sure.
That's a rave.
Well, I don't know
why you're asking.
My ex-boyfriend the orc,
used to say,
"The thing that I like about you
is you're not so hot
I'm afraid I'm gonna lose you."
So where's the orc now?
He's dead.
I spiked his water bottle
with a massive quantity of GHB.
He hallucinated,
went into convulsions, and died.
Remind me not
to piss you off, Sarah.
Sierra!
Sorry.
What makes you think
you haven't pissed me off already?
How you doin', kiddo?
I was thinking we could all go
to El Cholo for dinner tonight.
How do you feel about
some blue corn enchiladas?
Should we ask Daddy
when he gets back?
He's not coming back.
How could you?
How could you?!
How could you.
How could you.
How could you...?
- How could you?
- Cut. Perfect.
I feel so dirty.
That's how I like it.
Wait.
Something's wrong.
I feel...
Wait.
I have a wife and a daughter.
They're waiting for me.
- Where are they?
- Back at the car.
Which direction?
Face it, G, you don't know
where they are.
You don't know where you are.
We've been walking
in circles for an hour.
- Where is your car?
- There is no car.
It was all a pretense,
an excuse to get you on your own.
You getting dizzy?
It's just the GHB in the water.
What's happening?
I'm sorry that it had
to come to this, G.
I promise it's gonna
be over soon.
You're trying to kill me?
No, this is not a murder.
It's an intervention.
Do you feel like a man?
You're not.
I had to get you away from her.
She was holding you back.
- You had to give her up.
- Melissa.
- Allee--allee--all come free!
- There's something wrong...
I can get you out of here,
but you have to trust me.
Do you feel like a man?
'Cause I'll tell you
a little secret.
You're not.
Why are you doing this?
You did this to yourself.
And admitting that
is the first step.
You're a crackhead, G.
Thing is, this planet
and these people,
they're your drug of choice.
It wasn't that hard
to make a universe.
At first you just checked in
every once in a while...
...see how the Neanderthals
were doing,
move a couple
of continents around.
But then you got
more into it.
You started playing a couple
of characters of your own.
Slaves, kings, messiahs.
Pretty soon you were playing 24/7.
How long have I been...
You've been gone
for 4,000 years,
not that time means
the same for us.
You came looking for me?
That's what a girl does.
Why now?
Because you forgot
who you were.
You forgot this wasn't real.
We couldn't just storm in
on a fiery chariot.
It was your universe.
We had to play by your rules.
We had to show you how limited
and corrupt your little world was.
Don't get me wrong,
it's a nice place.
It's cozy...
...but do you remember
where you came from?
Do you remember
where you came from?
It was warm.
And white, like a...
You can't describe it
with human words.
You can't think it
with human thoughts.
We need you to come back.
With us.
Come back with me.
You can destroy the world
with a single thought.
You can destroy the world
with a single thought.
Don't, incidentally.
Just file that away.
The truth is you hold all the cards.
When people pray, they
don't want this thing or that thing.
They just... they don't
want to be forgotten.
You understand?
Noelle?
I would have
told you earlier, but...
Noelle?!
Maybe if I just cut back;
didn't get so involved.
We both know
that'll never work.
Next week you'll be back here
redesigning the pinecones.
You have to quit, cold turkey.
I can't.
You can,
but I can't force you to leave.
You have to want it.
Noelle!
Come on!
Answer Mama!
Answer me!
She's here.
I didn't forget
about you guys.
Everything okay?
Yeah, everything's fine.
Absolutely.
Let's go home.
Good night, Jellybean.
You need to go, don't you?
No.
I can stay.
How long, forever?
Every day you'd be here,
you'd know what you were missing.
What happens if you go?
Worst case scenario?
Disintegration of everything
into a fiery void, oblivio accebit.
The end of everything.
That's all?
Probably wouldn't happen.
I guess I'm more worried
about the human factor.
You guys kill each other a lot.
In fairness, it's usually in your name.
Plus, we've gotten
much more efficient at it.
I like this world.
I like my life here
with you and Noelle.
It's not real.
I'm not really your wife.
You're not really my husband.
On some level, it's all pretend.
How many versions were there?
Ninety.
This is the last one.
I've destroyed billions of people
with a thought...
and you'd like to think
that it's painless.
Stop.
You don't have to explain
or apologize.
Everything that is
is because of you.
And if that's all there is,
that's enough.
So.
So.
Guess you don't really
need to pack anything.
I'm good.
You're great.
- It has been a pleasure.
- Likewise.
I love you.
I love you, too,
you big lug.
You're my favorite.
...should we measure it first?
Got flour, we have flour.
All right, so I need oil.
We need nutmeg.
Honey, do we have nutmeg?
We should.
Good. Good, good, good.
- Nutmeg.
- Cinnamon, too.
If I had a horse,
I would name her Cinnamon.
- And if I had another horse...
- Nutmeg?
No, Flash.
What? Why Flash?
I mean, I would name her Flash
because she'd be
the fastest horse in the world.
I mean in the whole world.
- In the whole world?
- Ever whole.
The ever whole world?
That's pretty good.
That's pretty fast.
Yes, and I would be a princess.
Sweetie?
This might sound really strange,
but what's my name?
Mommy.
Right. Exactly.
He's not coming back.
But it's gonna be okay.
He put all the pieces together.
- It's like...
- The best of all possible worlds.
Honey, is it supposed
to stick like this?
- Better help him.
- Let's go.
- Do you see what I'm talking about?
- Oh, my gosh.
...consistency.
Is it maybe a little... it's too thick.
We can safely say
that's too thick?
Will you get some milk?
- Get milk?
- See, it says milk on the recipe.
Ready?
Oh, my. Oh, no!
All right.
Oh, don't mess it up.
Don't mess it up.
Thank you.
Shouldn't we
be using a machine?
- Isn't there a machine we can...
- I'm the machine!
You're our machine?
- All right.
- Come on, machine.
Okay, hold on. Let's...