No Hard Feelings (2023) Movie Script
1
Stop! Stop! Gary, what the hell?
Court order for seizure of property. You have to pay your property taxes, Maddie.
No, this is a mistake. I am negotiating a payment plan with them.
Well, I think they're done negotiating.
What? So they're taking my car? I'm an Uber driver.
It's not my problem.
How the hell am I supposed to pay their taxes? Just a bartender.
My problem is you just went radio silent on me.
Is this what it is about?
No, I also have a contract with the county, but I'm giving a little explanation as to why I didn't hear from you again.
That would be nice. You can't just make ghost people. Three months is nothing.
Three months? How about longer? In a good way.
Wait, Gary, please, stop. You were right, okay?
My feelings for you were so strong that I was scared. I was scared.
Is it true?
Yes, of course it's true, big dummy.
Just last night I was doing laundry and I thought to myself, I miss that damn thing.
I miss hearing what the planes were doing wrong.
What would you do differently if you were managing the team?
It would be much better, wouldn't it?
It would be much better.
The other day I saw a green sock and said, "That's Gary's."
It feels good. Stay in my car every now and then, okay?
Yes. You know what? I will do it. Because it won't be here.
What?
He is my cousin!
Good morning!
He is from Italy. Gary, I swear to God, he's my cousin. He is my second cousin.
It is not culture.
Have you ever been to Italy?
I wanted closure and I got closure. Thank you.
Gary, come on. She was just a flame.
No, no, it wasn't. Not for me. My sister was right about you.
Wait, your sister who was arrested for elder abuse?
Good, Gary. There is something seriously wrong with you.
What, you think you're so perfect? You are indecisive, which is annoying.
Okay, Gary, I'm sorry. Will you let me go? I'm starting at the mall today.
God, I know, I just can't decide.
Neither me.
Do you think I chose him?
Hello, Gary. what can i get you
Can I have a banana bread? Actually, wait, wait.
Yes, I have to go. Lemon bread.
We'll heat it up... oh, no.
I don't even know what to do.
It will be $4.50.
Right.
Circle...
Hey! What the hell are you doing?
Trying to save my house, Gary!
What the hell?
No no no no no!
You have to get it together, Maddy. One more violation and you lose your license.
What good will a license do when I don't have a car?
My mother left me that house. It has been paid. Can they do this?
Well, if you haven't paid your taxes, they can.
So these rich people come in and then our taxes triple? It's stupid.
The good news is that you have until September 1st.
It has been paid.
Not without a car, man.
Do you have any idea how much money I lose every day? I'm not Ubering.
Summer is when I make my net for the year.
understand.
These people are moving, trying to push me out.
Any idea what that feels like?
Of course yes.
Thank you.
See you in the water.
OK.
Yes, the new house, right on the water.
I just dropped the old site. It has to come out.
Chew tea with lime?
Yes, I take them out on the boat every day.
We don't open until noon.
No problem. I will call you right away.
Well, it's noon.
It is 1157.
Yes.
What time is it now?
Why don't you go wait in your boat and I'll blow the foghorn when we're open.
What's wrong with you? Just ask if you're fucking dreaming.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, stop it! What is going on here?
Sir, I'll make you a drink. Good Lord.
You know what? Since then. You should fire him.
I can't fire him. She has a disability.
What? No I don't.
You don't?
No.
That's why I hired you.
nonsense.
You know what? We can't start the summer like this, can we?
You can be a whore any other month of the year.
Be a whore in October. Become a whore in March.
Don't be a whore in June. Good? Because these people keep our lights on.
These people are the reason I'm losing my home.
I'm sorry Fern. I'm having a really crappy morning.
Yes, I see that.
You know what helps me?
Folding napkins.
Oh, it only comes to a thousand dollars.
Oh no, that's just the tires.
You won't find anything on Craigslist. I looked everywhere.
You can always sell your kidney.
You can sell your hair, your plasma, your eggs.
The human body is a cash cow. People don't understand that.
Jim, I can feel our baby getting dumber.
Well, I'm just trying to help. You can always rent the house.
No. I can't stand the thought of those wine people in my house.
Oh, hey, hey. Look at this.
Need a car for college? Meet our 19 year old son this summer.
He is a wonderful young man, extremely bright, but very shy socially.
He has never had a boyfriend and we have tried everything.
We are looking for an attractive, kind
and intelligent woman in her early to mid
20s to date and bring him out of his shell
before he leaves for college in the fall.
In exchange, we'll give you a clean, rust free, 40k mile Buick Regal, serious inquiries only.
The date is in quotation marks.
It has to be a joke, right?
No. No. Have you seen these helicopter parents?
They will do anything for their children. I'm surprised they won't fire them themselves.
However, it says early to mid 20s.
It's okay. I can pass for that.
Good.
Maddie, you won't even rent out the house, but now you'll rent out your badge?
Jim, the adults are talking.
Oh, just because I'm a guy, I can't express an opinion on this?
Exactly. Yes Yes. Shut your mouth.
You have a road tattoo that covers your entire back.
I don't think you should tell anyone what to do with her body.
No.
What about an OnlyFans page?
What is an OnlyFans page, Jim?
That would take too long. I need a card now.
I'm just surprised they're even considering this. That's all I'm saying.
I had a layover the other night and got zero Buick Regals for it.
Yeah, honey, you don't know this, but women have all kinds of reasons to have sex.
I mean, I had sex once because I didn't want to travel in the morning.
I've had sex with a guy once to get away with playing Settlers of Catan.
I had sex with a guy once on the first date because I thought he was going to kill me.
Jesus. What do you mean, "now, baby"?
She's talking about you, idiot.
Whoah!
Yes! This is!
Wait, take it out. There are no tourists. You guys are missing out.
Maybe not even true. It would be the fastest way to get a car.
Oh yes. The kid would probably celebrate his shorts as soon as he saw you.
Then he could just drive straight home.
Oh my God. Jim.
Want my opinion? These people use us. So why don't we use them?
I just know my mother wouldn't want me to save that house.
Yes. Things are so expensive here now. You think I want to wait tables after teaching kids all year?
Listen to me. If you are really worried, you can use our van.
I'm going to send Sarah over there to shoot the baby.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Hey, I'm just trying to keep it light.
Do you really think a kid wants to have sex with you in your current state?
Go back to the seat.
Just open it here.
Go to the seat.
It's cold as hell in here.
Go to the ocean!
Wait, just keep driving.
Maddy!
Oh hello!
Hello!
Having trouble finding the place?
I found it.
Oh, well, welcome to our home.
I'm Allison, and this is my husband, Laird.
Laird? Like lasagna?
Lasagna? No, Laird.
Laird.
Laird.
Am I right?
Yes, one syllable. Laird.
Good.
Just call me Laird.
I can not.
So should I go up, or do you want to come down here?
Not you. You. Come on.
It would be nice.
Come on up.
I just want you to know we have
the utmost respect
for sex workers.
I am not a sex worker.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
I know.
So, Maddy, tell us about yourself.
Where are you from?
Here, actually.
Wow, a local. I am jealous.
You can live in paradise all year round.
I wanted to ask him on the phone.
But how old are you?
I know you were looking for someone in your early to mid 20s.
I'm a little older.
Right. How old?
I just turned 29 years old.
Recently?
Last year.
So you're 29?
Last year.
And how old are you, like, now?
Another year older.
So 30?
Yes. 32.
Can I be honest?
I assume I'm here because you haven't found anyone yet.
And the reason you haven't found anyone yet is because young women are idiots.
It's not their fault. They are young.
But this is your son we're talking about.
What you need is someone who looks
like a peer but has the maturity to be
able to handle this with the tact
and sensitivity the situation calls for.
She is good.
Good. Good answer.
We have just been so worried about our son.
Percy is very loving and very sensitive and extremely smart.
Yes, he is going to Princeton next year.
Oh, I've heard of it.
He's a great musician, but he won't play for anybody.
He just has a lot of social trouble.
You know, and as a mother, it's been really hard to watch these last four years.
He is always on his phone.
He does not leave his room.
He doesn't have any friends.
He doesn't talk to girls.
He doesn't drink. He doesn't go to parties.
You don't drive.
It doesn't do anything for me.
We can't send him to college like that.
You know, he would never make it.
Well, that's why you called a professional.
Not a professional, just a girl who needs a car.
Yes.
We did not come so easily.
You know, we tried everything to get him out of his shell.
We are at the end of our rope.
I was shy when I was Percy's age, but I dated this girl before I went to college.
And she really opened me up sexually.
Good.
Barbara.
Anyway, by the time I got to college, I was out of my shell and thriving.
And that's what we love about Percy.
Is this him?
Yes.
Wow, he is adorable.
Isn't he?
Mm-hmm.
So how does this work?
You know, the fire system or...
This and we know its password.
Mm-hmm.
He's not gay?
No. We have seen his internet history.
Yes, porn is graphic, but not gay.
Large groups of people.
Not to sound like a gift horse in the mouth, but does it have to be a Buick?
It's just what dad drove.
Okay, then why don't you go out with Percy and the Buick is yours.
And don't date her alone, you know?
Get to know him, because he is a very good kid.
So when you say "meet her", do you mean meeting her or dating her?
Yes.
Yes, that is correct.
Meet him.
Meet him hard.
Good.
I will come out with his brain.
So is he in his room? Should I jump out and surprise him?
No, no, no, no, no. He is not here. He can't know about it.
No one can know about it.
No, no one can know about it.
Also, it would destroy him, which would defeat the purpose of building his confidence.
Right, right.
He volunteers at the animal
shelter from 10 to 6, and we
thought maybe you could go and
act like you want to adopt a dog.
And I don't see that happening, but if Percy meets someone organically...
I understood. You better go to work.
Yes.
I'm moving. I'm going, I'm going, I'm going.
Greetings. Can I interest you in unconditional love?
Looking for something to tire you out?
Can he help me?
Well, he mostly works with dogs. I deal with people.
You have a strange energy.
Do not worry. I have been sterilized.
I love her.
Percy, can you help this lady?
Do you mind if it touches your Venus?
What?
your dog.
Oh. Yes.
Um, how can I help you?
I want to adopt a dog.
It's a cute cartoon.
It's anime.
Yes, animated. That's what I said.
Excuse me. I need your help.
Oh sorry. Good.
What type of dog are you looking to adopt?
Well, I would like to adopt them all.
Which is dirtier?
The most confused is Milo. This is Milo.
He's been here longer.
He was a drug dog for the state police, but was forced to retire because he was addicted to COCAINE.
Cocaine?
Oh why! Spin it! Spin it! Spin it!
If he hears the word, he is encouraged.
I'm sorry, Milo. I'm fresh out.
I will need to ask you a few questions to make sure you are a suitable candidate.
It's about everyone's needs for their own rules.
Oh, after a little rule, eh?
Yes, they are very important.
So is there, like, an office or somewhere private?
An office. Come straight this way.
Big.
Maddie Barker.
I feel so far away from you.
Um, husband?
I am currently single. Thank God too. You can have more fun, you know? Be spontaneous.
Not married.
Children?
No, God, no. Very young. Still having fun. Meeting new people. I love him.
No children.
Why do you want to adopt a dog?
Because I can't have my own dog.
And what do you plan to do with a dog if you move?
I'm not moving.
What if you did?
I have lived here all my life. I'm not going anywhere.
Oh sorry. I didn't want to pry.
Well, come on.
Open me up.
Circle...
Oh, what? Already?
OK sorry. I will have to forward this request to my supervisor.
Oh, come on. There must be more questions than that.
Yes, they are there. But I have to start closing. So yes, however, you can come back another day.
I may not want a dog another day. I want a dog now.
Well, then pet ownership might not be for you.
It actually sounds a lot like the kind of person we would normally get a dog from.
How about I give you a ride home and we can keep talking? You are on your way.
How do you know where I live?
Your parents told me.
What?
It's in your school bag.
Everything under control?
Hey Crispin, what's the company's policy on leaving early? It's like we super can't do that, right? Would it be, you know, edgy?
Oh, come on. Let's go.
Good. Good.
You can finish alone, right? Bet you do it all the time.
Thank you.
Goodbye.
OK then. Approved.
Is this your car?
That's it for tonight.
Actually, you know what? This is bad, but I just remembered that I've been cycling here, so I'll keep this up.
Well, that's okay.
I'll just throw it on the back.
You can ride ahead with me.
Come on, I won't bite.
If you want me to.
Good, but no bite.
I go out whenever I feel like it was a few times.
Where is the rest of my seat belt?
It's a lap belt. Just pretend you're on a plane. I will be your flight attendant.
Why are you a flight attendant flying an airplane?
Because I killed the pilot and took over the plane. You are my hostage.
This is not the way to my house.
Good.
Give me that.
What are you doing?
Our generation and our phones, huh?
I do not know.
Yes, down there.
Why?
You tried to kidnap me.
I can't kidnap you. You're 19. Grow up.
You put me in a van and took my phone.
I'm not kidnapping you. First I want to give you all my personal information.
Why couldn't you have used your rape whistle?
Why would I have a rape whistle?
Why the hell do I need it?
We are sorry. Will you take the hose, please?
Is broken.
Is it water?
Did you just turn on the water?
what the hell with me?
I just thought maybe it was our date.
The throat.
Good.
Oh.
I'm sorry. I'm trying to help.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm very sorry. I just didn't know what you were trying to do.
I just thought you were hot.
Do you think I'm hot?
Yes.
You are super hot.
Maybe we should go on a date, though?
I'm going to go put on another dress.
Oh no. I didn't mean it now. I meant, you know, tomorrow. Like, a real date.
Oh. Yes. This is better.
Good. Tomorrow, then.
Thanks for the ride.
Goodbye.
I can't believe this kid is going to Princeton. He's dumb as shit.
He is simply afraid of the world. They all are.
They grew in Cayston bubbles.
My cousin, she is 20. She still lives at home.
He will not go outside without a helmet.
It could be a medical thing.
You know, the problem is the parents. They made him a child.
Anyway, I'll need the van tonight for my big meeting.
No.
What?
No. It will take me about a week to stream that thing. Sara is pregnant. I can't get her to breathe those fumes.
You'll have to ask Fern to borrow that stuck car.
This will drop her panties.
Hey, Mel.
Hello Mel.
Hello guys.
Have you heard of Mel?
She got herself a sugar daddy.
I'm glad you did.
Then you won't have to worry about a car or property taxes.
No. No way am I going to be on call for a rich ass all summer.
You see me doing this, it means I have completely compromised who I am.
And you can kill me. Because I gave up.
Should have had this Buick by now, but this kid can't be mocked.
So you look like an accountant in the Bahamas.
It was too hot for pants.
Greetings.
Greetings.
I'm so glad we're doing this. The date was a great idea.
I'm going loud to the porter.
Oh yes. I know. The owner. it's good.
It's just that I'm 21 years old.
That doesn't matter here.
Well, I think it's a federal law.
Here is the waitress.
I hope my parents don't know I'm here.
Did they come here?
No no. They tracked my phone.
Wow. Good. Have you been microchipped too?
Here she is. Flash.
What do you want, Maddie?
A Long Island Iced Tea for me and...
A cup of tea, please.
We only have Coca-Cola.
Oh. Do you want to go somewhere else?
No. Percy, he'll have an iced tea on Long Island, too.
Good.
Thank you.
I'm really tense.
Why? Is everything OK?
Yes. I just... I had this really intense dream about you last night. do not ask.
Of course. It's private.
Do you ever have them?
Strong dreams? Um... Actually, yes.
Tell me.
Do you know Harley Quinn from Suicide Squad?
Good.
I had this dream where I wouldn't let her adopt a dog.
So she locked me in one of the dog cages and dragged me to her shelter.
I just kicked the cage and screamed.
And that made you finish?
I haven't done it.
How the hell is this a sex dream?
Ask me if I have intense dreams.
You are right. I should have been more specific.
I used to have nightmares about this song when I was a kid.
Why?
Because it's about a monster. A man-eater.
She only comes out at night. Like, "Watch out, boy. She's gonna chew you up."
I don't think that's what the song is about.
It is a look into the future.
Good. Long Island Iced Tea for America's Sweetheart. And one for the boy.
Oh. Good news, by the way.
We have some new dogs today. So, you know, if you're still looking for
This is the worst iced tea I have ever had.
Percy, you're going to college soon. You will have to learn how to drink.
You can't spend your whole life scared of everything.
I am not afraid of everything.
Come on. Open it. Take a medicine. Come on, kid.
I am sure you will like it.
Fine, fine. Look what the tide dragged.
Hello, Travis.
Well, I don't know if you've heard, but...
Big. congratulations.
Thank you. Thank you.
I know, it turns out that your little act of disappearing was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Well, I'm glad I can help.
I know, my wife, she speaks three languages.
She is hot as hell. Sex is incredible.
And then we do everything together. All that.
This is wonderful. Is her vagina dishwasher safe?
No. She is a real person. Unlike you.
Want to know what the best part is?
When I told her I loved her, she returned it.
Instead of running away like a coward.
Well, it must have been a really exciting second date.
Better be careful with this one.
It is slippery.
Goodbye. Goodbye, Travis.
Is he your ex boyfriend?
More like a friend.
It felt like you didn't really love him.
You have met him. Do you like it?
I have not had sex with him.
Would you like to? I have called again.
Hey Travis!
No no no no.
I don't want to do this. I just...
I don't know, I guess, why would you have sex with someone if you don't like it.
Because it was Christmas and I was lonely. I do not know.
But why did it disappear then?
What's with the questions? Can't we get drunk and have fun?
We are sorry. I'm just trying to get to know you.
Do you want to get out of here?
Yes, please.
I think I'm a little drunk.
Yes, you've had too much to drink.
No I was not.
God, I love the beach.
I just feel so free here. or not?
um yes
However, I think it is closed.
Oh, it's after eight, so...
We could come back during business hours.
Do we have a whole country to ourselves?
Lots of red flags!
Let's go swimming.
Well, here are my saviors.
Perfect. We can do skinny dipping.
Oh, no swimming.
Oh, we tried.
You know, those rules are more like just a suggestion.
Come on, let's get you out of these Daisy Dukes.
Maddie, I don't...
I'm ugly too. I knew it. I knew it.
What?
No.
No.
Seems like.
Not me...
I think you are the most beautiful person I have ever seen.
Really?
Where beautiful?
Nice here?
Or beautiful... here?
What about sharks?
Maddie, here!
Jellyfish?
Not in season!
It's really the lack of saviors that causes me a problem.
I am very...
Enter here now!
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Come on, I promise nothing will happen.
Isn't that how it all started?
I will believe you.
See? Not so bad.
What are we going to do?
I do not know.
Hello!
Hey, what are you two doing there?
We just do our taxes.
Yours?
Yes, no need to follow them.
Undress.
Remove the dirty clothes.
They are taking our clothes.
Hey, bring it back!
Suck my balls!
I'm warning you!
Goodbye, season!
You said nothing bad went down.
We need to find an adult.
Percy, you're an adult!
Where are you going?
It's a butcher, but not...
Oh, friend!
Oh heck!
Take it, brother!
Dude!
Wait, are you sure you want to release it?
We lost one.
Heck, yes.
Come here, pussy!
Oh heck.
Connor!
What the hell?
How about you?
Do you love business?
No, no, take it.
Think you can't steal clothes?
You need dirty help.
Call the cops and stay out of Montauk!
Where were we?
What happened there?
I got one up close.
Did you beat those kids?
No, they apologized.
I heard shouting.
Who is apologizing?
I dont like this.
Someone is really on my case.
They have our clothes, our phones, our keys, our wallets.
I have returned them.
What would you have done, nothing?
You should thank me.
I was trying to open a plan.
A plan to do what?
Call your mom and dad?
Suck it, Will.
Sorry, that was bad.
Let's call each other.
No.
Why not?
Because it's like you're trying to eat me.
I won't have sex with someone I don't know.
It's better that way.
Believe me.
Not for me.
This is nonsense.
I finished.
Sorry for you.
Hey hey!
Hey, give me my clothes.
Your little shorts.
where is my phone
Is it in your car?
No.
He can barely see.
It's not here, Percy.
Can we just check?
My parents should be able to know where I am.
Why?
Are you a child?
Give me my phone!
Percy, take off my hood!
Not until you give me my phone!
I need it!
Okay, guess we're doing that.
Okay, very funny, Maddie.
Give me my phone!
I'll need my phone!
I'll drive to dirty Chicago.
Give me my phone!
Don't test me.
Because I'm crazy.
I am stupid.
i am dumb
I don't give a damn.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, thank God.
I'm on probation.
I can't lose my license.
What the hell are you doing?
Oh, thank God.
I don't see any police there.
I think we lost them.
Are you sure?
Keep looking.
I can't believe you drove over the train tracks.
I thought we were going to die.
You were really brave holding on like that in the hood.
Most guys would have fallen.
I have pretty strong hands.
From piano lessons.
Oh, we must have some music.
Yes Yes.
Hey, thanks for these clothes, by the way.
I like your house very much.
It's comfortable.
The bedroom is the best part.
I will tell you later.
Oh, we're wearing the same shorts.
Did you grow up dancing?
Suck it up.
Yes.
You mean drink the metal?
Yes.
Yes, sometimes I break them.
Yes.
Suck it up.
More difficult.
You can.
Good.
We are sorry.
How long have you lived here?
How?
How did it become so little?
I mean, I'm her leg.
Do you want to switch?
Do you want to go to the bedroom?
We can take the club.
Yes.
are you ok
Yes, I want, I want, yes, I just cheat a little.
But let's go.
We are sorry.
Does it seem strange?
Yes.
it's good.
My back also itches.
What?
This happens sometimes when I have anxiety.
I know you are really excited.
I'm sorry.
This is for frying the boards, but it should do it.
I am very ashamed.
Do not be.
I once went to a Halloween party dressed as a kid.
My girlfriend was there.
As we were hooking up, we both realized I had diaper rash from my suit.
I was 21.
You don't have a door?
Diapers are underwear.
No they are not.
Diapers are like clothed toilets.
Well, I haven't used it.
Of course you didn't.
There is a smile.
I don't have much to smile about.
I can hardly leave my room.
I have lived in this house all my life.
Really?
I left once when I was 18.
I had this custom chart of all the California beaches I was going to surf.
I made it all the way to New York City before turning back.
why did you come back
I just realized that everything I need is here.
And my mother got sick, so...
I stayed to take care of him.
Why couldn't your father do it?
Raise your arms up.
I had to change schools after I
slept through ninth grade, and
everyone found out that I still
sometimes slept in my parents' room.
It turned into this rumor
that I slept in the same bed
with them, and it turned
out that I had sex with them.
It was horrible.
Maybe why I spent so much time alone.
You don't have friends?
Yes, I have many friends.
Online only.
Having Jodi in my life helps a lot too.
WHO?
Jodi is my old nanny.
Come back.
I'm sorry I couldn't have sex with you today.
I guess I'm a bit of a romantic.
it's okay.
Maybe we can spend the day together tomorrow?
Then I promise to wear...
of Tinsley.
i will kill you
What the hell?
I will be angry with you.
Hello sir.
It is a light.
There.
You can finally drink while naked.
You understand me.
What else?
Oh, close your eyes.
And stick out your finger.
Now you're stuck with me forever.
It's a finger trap!
Oh.
Percy, get me out of this.
Stop, stop pulling, stop pulling.
Relax.
Just push it in.
Do you think we would have been friends in high school?
Yes, I think so.
I don't know, I feel like you were prom queen or something.
I didn't even go to prom.
What? Nobody asked you?
Everyone asked me. The teachers asked me.
I had a date and a dress.
What happened?
It was a long time ago. Who cares?
I am interested.
Well, you asked why my father didn't take care of my mother when she was sick.
That's because he was in town with his family.
They spend the summer here.
Oh.
They had a relationship.
And then I came.
I was just a mess he didn't want to deal with so he got his lawyers to clean everything up, gave my mom some money and a house to get us out.
Years later, I wrote my father a letter asking him why he wanted nothing to do with me.
But on the morning of graduation, the letters were returned to me, unopened.
And so after that, I didn't want to go to prom, I didn't want to do anything, I just stayed in my room and cried.
Why didn't you go back to him?
Because damn, he left. He gave me work.
What?
can i kiss you
It's Jodi.
WHO?
Jodi, my nanny. Do you remember? Meet at the lighthouse.
Yes.
Good.
Are you sure you don't want to come back to my house and mess with my kids?
Yes, Jodi!
Greetings.
Here it is.
My dick will bruise.
This must be the famous Maddie.
And you're Jodi, you're Percy's nanny?
Mr. Mary Poppins.
Well, you guys stayed pretty close, huh?
Oh yes, very close.
What are you there, friend?
Oh, is that a Frisbee?
Oh yeah, Maddie won it.
Beautiful!
Look at that.
Maddie! Outcome!
Hey, Percy, come on.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
I understood.
Real motor in that little guy.
What the hell do you want?
Excuse me?
It's his parents' money, not his.
Do you like little kids or something?
Do I like small children? You are a male nanny.
What do you want from him?
The same as you. I want to meet him.
I have babysat for many powerful families here.
So if you hurt him, I'll hurt you.
What are you going to do, throw a pacifier at me?
Hey stupid!
It was in a thorn bush, but I figured it out.
This is incredible.
Okay, are you ready for your gift?
Yes, I'm taking it out.
Oh my God.
Did you find this?
I figured it would push him into surfing early.
Wow.
It turns on.
Makes? Why don't we see if that makes it better?
Yes, I have batteries.
Beautiful.
Hey, how's the Buick thing going?
I haven't received it yet.
Really?
Oh.
Why?
You mean they haven't given it to you yet?
You can sue him for that, you know?
Well, actually, we haven't had sex yet.
He just needs more of a connection first.
I actually really like him making friends.
He will forget everything about me.
He will be going to college in the fall.
Well, it's happening tonight.
We are having dinner.
Are you going to dinner?
Okay, so you're, like, dating then.
Shut your mouth.
I know what I'm doing.
Maddie.
It's me, Doug Cohn.
We went to high school together.
Do you remember?
Yes, you're right.
I ran a varsity track.
I left Sweet Cherry Ritmiana.
I had sex with our Spanish teacher, Mrs. Walsh.
Doug Cohn!
You were on TV.
Didn't Mrs. Walsh go to jail?
Uh, no.
Mrs. Cohn did.
We got married.
But, you know, they never run that story.
Well, how can I help you, Doug?
Well, I'm a real estate broker now.
I can tell you this is a fabulous neighborhood.
I mean, an acre down the road.
Name your prize, Maddie.
That was a great achievement, Doug.
Listen, come on.
If you don't pay your lien, the county will go out of business to sell your home.
You lose half the value of this property.
Let me list it and you'll get full price.
So they can destroy this whole thing?
Stay out of my yard, Doug.
Is this a good idea?
No, I love it.
Finally we will go to prom.
I have something for you.
I have this.
It's from my garden.
Careful.
You look beautifull.
Should we take a picture?
I left my phone at home on purpose.
What?
Yes.
I do not believe you.
No, I did.
I do not believe you.
No, I didn't have it.
I just want to talk to you.
Just crack it.
The claws are still sharp.
I would like to
have a much better
event if I actually
went to my prom.
Why not?
I just didn't ask anyone.
Why?
I do not know.
I think after everything that happened at school,
I just wanted to stay invisible.
If they couldn't see me, they couldn't make fun of me.
People need to see who you are.
You are big.
Thank you.
What?
Play something.
No.
I said you play.
You have to play something.
No, I won't play.
If you don't play something,
I'll make a toast to the
whole restaurant about
what a great lover you are.
Good.
It's time for them to find out.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
What?
What do you want me to play?
It does not matter.
Play anything.
Play for me.
the hell
the hell
shoot me
the hell
OK?
OK.
the hell
the hell
the hell
the hell
the hell
the hell
the hell
the hell
the hell
the hell
Average and hungry type.
Nothing is new.
I've seen it here before.
Watching and waiting.
Oh, she's sitting with you, but her eyes are on the door.
So much pain to watch.
What do you think you're getting for free?
The woman is fierce, but softened by the shame of the pervert that you are.
The issue is money.
If you're in it for love, you won't get very far.
Oh, here she comes.
Watch out, boy, she'll chew you up.
Oh, yes, she won't.
She is a man eater.
I wouldn't be in your place.
I know what she can do.
She is a deadly man.
It can really rip your worth.
I don't care.
Oh, the beauty is there, but the beast is in her heart.
Oh, here she comes.
Watch out, boy, she'll chew you up.
Oh, here she comes.
She is a man eater.
What the hell?
This was incredible.
How did you know that song?
We're talking about people eating, so...
That's what Owen taught us.
What are you?
Percy.
Natalie.
Greetings.
Oh my God.
This is very funny.
She was wonderful.
Oh my God.
Dude, I haven't seen you in so long.
Wait, my parents told me you're going to Princeton?
Yes.
I am too.
What?
How funny is that?
I know.
This is huge.
Oh.
Maddie, this is Maddie.
Maddie, nice to meet you.
Are you friends with his parents?
No.
So, are you excited?
Yes, very excited.
It's wild.
I look at them at all, like freshman girls at my high school, and I don't know, I just feel so old.
Yes.
Yes.
Very good to see you.
I don't know what you're going to do later, but it's this party I'm going to.
There will be a bunch of Princeton people there.
Oh, we have plans, but thank you very much.
Oh bad.
I can send you the address.
He didn't bring his phone, so...
Oh, I can give you the address.
There is no need.
It cannot be hurt.
It can hurt.
31 Amagansett Street.
It was very nice to meet you.
Oh my God.
Next year is going to be a lot of fun.
Yes, oh, this is so exciting.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, madam.
Good night.
Goodbye.
Very funny.
Don't forget to order a fake whore for dessert.
This is, like, super cool.
Well, anyway, I can't believe you can do this, but you can't drive.
Yes, actually, so I've been thinking about getting my license.
This is wonderful.
Yes?
Good.
I mean, Princeton is five hours away by train,
but if i have a car then i can --
it would be much easier for me to come back here on the weekend.
Well, you will...
you will want to spend weekends at school.
Yes, you're probably right.
You can always come visit me.
Well, I don't have a car.
You can take the train.
It's only five hours.
Yes.
I just don't really -- I don't do long distance.
I hear Montauk is
best in the fall, but
all the summer people
are in Orem, so...
It's quite a journey.
I don't know what you want.
I just want to have fun tonight and not talk about all this stuff.
I'd like to leave, please.
Are you serious?
Yes.
It's my problem too.
I'm just trying to be realistic.
Yes.
And me.
Are you drinking now?
I like Fairmount.
I'm going to college soon.
I need to know how to drink properly.
Where are we going?
It's a shortcut.
Princeton party?
You said I should hang out with people my own age, right?
I didn't mean tonight.
Then don't go.
No, yo, what's going on, you guys?
It's your son Cameron B.
We're kicking off summer right at a sick house party in Montauk.
Well, what's up? It's me, Trash Gucci.
If you or someone you know is being bullied, don't be afraid to speak up.
Bullying is not a...
Well, excuse me, ma'am.
What are you doing here?
Just getting a beer, Frosted.
That, my friend, is what we call a bully, eh?
No, not a phone. Someone help a cute little girl.
I mean, how old are you?
Hell, you're all alone...
No disrespect, he loves cute girls.
I love the big cats.
Well, why don't you two big cats kiss each other, then?
Is that an insult?
Of course he is a professor.
Why is having sex with each other an insult?
See what you just did? Say it again.
No, I didn't mean it in a homophobic way.
How did you say it then?
It was a joke. I'm not - I'm with girls.
I'm not -- I'm not homophobic.
Where did you come from? Don't film me. Do not comment.
Have you seen Percy?
He's not up here.
He is with Natalie upstairs.
Mom, I'm on trial.
Percy?
Yes?
Wait, your name is Percy?
Yes.
Percy?
Sorry, go ahead.
Percy?
It's not called human anymore?
Percy?
Percy?
Open this door!
Percy!
Open this door, this is your last chance!
Percy!
Did you shoot him?
Oh my God.
Did you shoot him?
Oh no, please, nothing happened.
I'm drunk, it's good.
Are you drunk already?
No, no, he got something. I don't know, I think it was a pill.
Percy, did you get anything?
Percy, did you take a pill?
Come on.
Stick your fingers in your throat. Make yourself jump.
I do not want.
Just feed it. Feed him.
Let me do it.
do you feel better
Not even at all.
I didn't know you couldn't drink with hyperprop.
Is this what you got?
Who told the joke?
Okay, who told the joke?
Your dirty parents are here?
Do you think our son would have a party without our consent?
This is. Come on, you don't belong here.
I don't belong here! I've lived here all my life! You don't belong here!
Don't attend a high school party, miss.
Well, we're leaving.
Okay, let's go. Stand back, okay?
Leave it!
Stay back!
Get out of here. Come on.
Dont touch me!
Oh shit! Oh heck!
Oh, the fan!
Hell!
Don't leave, you go.
I just want you to know, I would never hurt you.
I know.
I am ready for you.
Are you sure?
Yes.
Good.
I am.
I do not know. Where is the perforation?
Let me help you.
I love you.
I love you.
Percy, you're drunk.
A little. Is it okay?
i still love you
I don't think we should do this when you're drunk. Not for the first time.
Good.
I think we have to wait.
I will not wait.
This is what I wanted.
Well, look what the cat crawl did.
Fun night?
Yes, yes, really fun.
This is good.
Hey, I'll take you to work. Can we talk.
Actually, would it be okay if I drive?
I'm thinking about getting my license, so, you know, I can use the practice.
My son, licensed driver.
Yeah, it's just, you know, if I have a car, it'll be easier to see my girlfriend.
Oh, your girlfriend?
Yes.
Her name is, her name is Maddie.
She's on the older side, but she's really, really fun.
Fun is important.
Yes.
She doesn't really want to do long distance, so I'm not going to Princeton.
What?
Just, you know, Maddie's here.
It just makes sense to us.
You're going to Princeton.
I'm not. I am 19.
Good.
I'm an adult now. I can make my own decisions.
And I'll stay here, okay?
Honey, why don't you go wait in the car, and daddy will be right out.
What the hell was that?
Just relax, okay?
You drive for a living.
Let me get this.
She is looking for Tesla.
Call him immediately. I'm going to yell at her.
Are you going to yell at her?
Yes.
You think I'm the kind of person who can convince him to go to college?
You are right. You are right.
I know.
You think they, uh, call it. Call him now.
Greetings. I wanted to call you.
Listen, I don't think I can do this.
Percy is very attached.
You can have the car.
Really?
Although we don't...
Look, you brought him out of his shell, and that's all we wanted.
But now he has an idea that he wants to stay in Montauk and...
You have to convince him that he should go to college.
Yes.
Big. Big. I will sign over the title today.
So if I can convince him to go to Princeton, I get the car?
Shouldn't I have sex with him anymore?
Hello, Maddy? Hello?
Hello?
Can I try some wine?
Yes of course. I think it's okay.
Mm-hmm.
Good. That's... That's good.
Easy there.
Darling, please.
You want to enjoy it.
Yes.
Enjoy it.
Oh!
Did I double the book?
Aren't you going to ask Maddy about yourself?
Oh, Maddy?
Where are you from?
Actually, here. I'm from here.
Yeah, actually, she's never... You've never left, have you?
Well, it's very nice here. I don't blame you.
This chicken is delicious. Thank you.
Mom, you didn't make it. nest
Where is it?
Well, the important thing is that it is delicious.
I think the important thing is the truth.
And I haven't been completely honest with you all.
I didn't get the dates wrong.
I just wanted to
introduce you to them, but
I didn't know how to
explain how old you are.
Well, I'm not that old.
Uh, I actually know someone who married our high school Spanish teacher.
40 years age difference.
40 years! And that's how old you are, right?
No.
You guys won't ask us how we met?
Oh, how did you meet?
Want to tell them? No, I will tell them.
That's how we are. It's really random.
Maddy went in to adopt a dog.
Uh, yes, but I rejected her application because she was completely unqualified.
But we still hit it.
I mean, the first day we met, I had to cheat on him.
She was so filthy excited.
Percy, Percy, be a gentleman.
I'm joking, I'm joking. I'm kidding.
We actually have a lot in common.
We will both be old.
Oh, I'm so - oh god, I'm so sorry.
I have to get this, but please keep getting to know each other, you know?
My favorite people.
Did you tell him? No.
He brought the tools.
Okay, we have to move fast. We are in the middle of dinner.
what do you have
Baked chicken and salad.
I love salad.
She will hate not having slippers.
It's very easy.
She broke your heart, she broke your car because she's the only thing he cares about.
She was like everything else in my life.
Planned by my parents.
Ah, you're not doing anything.
God the American generation.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
War teacher.
Hey, here it is.
All clear?
Hey.
How do we do?
Where were you?
you okay? I'm - your parts are down.
I really don't think they can.
Well, can we just talk?
I do not--
Oh, my wrist.
What is happening?
I'm just a little confused.
Because I--because I thought you wanted to have sex with me.
So if there's something I don't know, just tell me.
No.
No?
No.
I want to. Let's do it.
Let's have sex.
If that's what you want, it will make you happy.
Yes. Yes.
Big.
Big.
Um, what - what do I - what do I do?
Get on top.
Good.
Good.
And now--
I'am happy.
Percy, you're not.
I have not passed it.
Oh heck!
did you go too?
did you go too?
No.
That was - those were my thighs.
Joking.
Yes.
By the way, your car was in the forest, crushed by a tree.
What?
I had some kind of silly idea that I actually liked you.
Percy.
Was there any truth?
Yes.
It's true. I've told you things I've never told anyone.
I was just trying to save my house. It wasn't personal.
It felt personal.
Percy, I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry.
You have to go.
I think.
The truth is, one day I'll live in Paris or something and come back to visit Moontauk and you'll still be here.
How much money do your parents have?
A set of completed classes. Well, you guys are close.
But you are rich, aren't you? For example, you never have to worry about money.
So my life is great, right? I dont have problems.
I will lose my house.
And I don't have a rich father who can help me.
Actually, Maddie, yes.
And you will waste your whole life in that house waiting for him to come back and apologize.
Because you've never actually been past New York, have you?
Because you've never actually been past New York, have you?
Yes.
What? Gary, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.
This is not my car.
Well, your name is in the title. It's your car.
What should I do with a car that doesn't work?
Who says it doesn't work?
These things are built to last.
Unlike us.
What?
I didn't say anything.
What the hell, you guys?
Percy, the tongue.
You can't tell me what to do anymore. I am the parents now.
Okay, what other things have you done for me that I don't know about?
That time I beat you at basketball, did you let me win?
No. You beat me fairly.
What about Kyle McElroy? Kyle McElroy, the kid who bullied me.
Have you ruled it out?
No. I was told that it was his dream to go to military school.
Okay, whatever it is, it's done.
You can't track me anymore. I'm changing my phone password.
For what?
Okay, that's exactly what I'm talking about.
I know you're trying to help me, but you're not.
You must let me fail or succeed on my own.
Is it understood?
Okay, you can go.
Good.
Stop! Leave it to him.
Yes.
Kelly!
I have your photo.
Come inside.
Come in!
Oh.
New bed! Check it out!
Yes. And that car is a little bumpy.
What do you want. Summer is over, we've got our town back, and we can still have Thanksgiving at my house.
Yes.
What?
Good. Good. I will do it. Here goes.
Sara has something to tell you.
Thanks, Jim.
I think we're going to Florida.
What?
I know. I know. We wouldn't do it if we didn't have to. You know that. I don't want to go to Florida.
We just can't afford to buy our place here.
And we can't continue to stay with Jim's parents when the baby comes.
They only have one bathroom.
I can not believe that.
We are really out of options. We are sorry.
Yes. We want to stay.
Don't be angry. I'm not crazy. I just...
I can't believe you're leaving.
I can't believe you're staying.
What will she say?
You know what? I just... My friend is in the bathroom.
I just want to say that... I don't know.
How long will you continue to do this?
Are you having sex for Buicks? This is probably it.
This was not what I wanted.
I did what I had to do to save my mom's house, okay?
Yes.
You keep saying this, but...
Your mother wanted you to be happy.
And you don't look happy.
I'am happy. Are you?
I like my life here.
OK.
I must tell you that I will be back in town tomorrow morning.
tomorrow? Can't login faster?
No. Late.
Oh.
What is this?
Finger trap? I used to love these things.
So do you live in the city?
Mm-hmm.
Have you been here all summer?
Where is that question, Annie?
I'm trying to get to know you.
I'm sorry.
Circle...
I have an idea.
Close your eyes for me.
Come on, close them.
Give me the finger.
Forward.
Up.
Good. Open your eyes.
Oh, what the hell?
Oh! hell!
Oh!
Stop pulling it!
This is a gift from a friend!
Oh! Oh! Don't pull it! Don't pull it!
You have to push yourself to get out.
IM trying!
Ugh.
Oh.
It was kind of weird, huh?
Anyway...
I live in Battery Park.
Get out.
Yes.
Yes.
Doug Connor, Realty.
Doug, it's Maddie.
I want to sell.
Big.
Don't get too excited.
Here's the catch.
hey is he here
No.
Well, he won't return my calls or texts.
Are you going to tell him I came in?
Absolutely not.
Really?
Yes.
He went to hell. He is a special boy.
Cocaine!
OK.
Let's hear it.
My name is Jody and I am registered...
Remember when I said I made some powerful friends, Nanahan?
This includes the Suffolk County Tax Assessor.
And they will make your property taxes go up.
Very high.
I sold the house.
Sorry, can I use your bathroom?
It's number two.
It's Maddie.
can i talk to him
He is not at home.
He will be at the Princeton Mixer later.
Good.
Thank you.
Several dining clubs to choose from if you arrive in the new year.
I can't wait to get eaten at Princeton.
What?
I tried to call you. You can't ignore me.
Leave me alone.
Percy, lock me out.
I don't owe you anything.
Stop.
Percy.
I don't owe you anything.
I don't owe you anything.
Well, I owe you something.
Our friendship is real.
You made me realize that I had to push to get out.
I was hurt.
So I hurt people.
Percy.
Percy!
Percy, open the door.
Come on, open the door.
Please, let's talk.
What are you doing?
Remove the hood.
I don't want anything to do with you.
I won't come down until you talk to me.
Then I think we are doing this.
Hey, easy.
What the hell?
This is scary.
I can't believe he's in this.
Then go down.
No!
Not until you trust me that I care about you.
You lied to me.
Just take a dirty car.
I don't mind you.
Go down.
Go down.
Let's talk.
Get off the hood of my car.
Make me...
I don't know how.
I can't breathe.
Oh god, I'm walking.
Help!
Help!
fire!
Oh shit.
Oh my God.
Bernie!
Bernie!
Bernie!
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I just got my license and I've already wrecked two cars.
You? It is not dilapidated.
I fixed it.
It's made with a little love.
My grandfather shot himself in that nuclear weapon.
I'm kidding.
You little shit.
You're lucky I came back for you.
Where would you be without me?
I would definitely still be a virgin.
You're still a virgin, not yet.
No, that actually counts.
Well, you can tell your college friends whatever you want.
If I make any friends.
What do you mean, what friends?
I think we'll probably be back for Thanksgiving.
I won't be here.
I sold my house and am moving to California.
You'll be fine.
What are you, some kind of wise Buddha?
I am older than you.
You'll be fine.
We'll both be fine.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
i...
Yes?
It still matters.
Oh, you didn't blindfold me and tell me you're having an affair?
OK.
What am I looking at?
The house.
The house?
Instead of selling it to some rich idiot, I decided to sell it to you guys.
Yes, regular ass.
Who had to sell one of the boats.
Hey, we can't.
No, we can.
But you could have gotten more for it.
I had enough.
That's how we stay.
This is what we wanted.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Oh wait.
Oh.
Right, the thing you did.
There she is.
Should we decide?
We will do it.
We'll do it as soon as you leave.
Well, I think that's it.
Call us as soon as you get there, okay?
Or not.
Absolutely fine either way.
Yes, we are fine.
Are you guys going to be ok?
Yes Yes.
Finally empty nesters.
Come on, get out of here, you.
I love you guys.
We love you so much.
I love you too, huh?
Please don't follow me.
No.
Good.
Good.
Sure you don't want help with the bags?
No, I got it.
Well, let him live.
I'm sorry.
it's okay.
Dear.
Yes, that's it.
Yes.
Good.
OK.
Yes, see you soon.
Nice to meet you.
Good.
Beautiful.
Yes.
OK.
See you guys for Thanksgiving.
Yes.
Good.
The wrong way.
Goodbye dear.
Goodbye.
Your Uber is here.
I didn't ask for any conversation.
Oh, we're talking, mate.
All the way to Princeton.
Then I'll call you
from my home in
California, tell you
about my new boyfriend.
New boyfriend?
He is an ex-cop.
Good.
He has had several drug addictions in the past.
Huh.
Do you want to meet him?
No.
Well, he really wants to meet you.
Fish.
Greetings.
Ready to leave?
After.
Are you?
After.
I saw you smiling in the summer sun.
I saw you long hair flying with me.
I decided it was meant to be.
One day, lady, you will accompany me.
One day, lady, you will accompany me.
Stop! Stop! Gary, what the hell?
Court order for seizure of property. You have to pay your property taxes, Maddie.
No, this is a mistake. I am negotiating a payment plan with them.
Well, I think they're done negotiating.
What? So they're taking my car? I'm an Uber driver.
It's not my problem.
How the hell am I supposed to pay their taxes? Just a bartender.
My problem is you just went radio silent on me.
Is this what it is about?
No, I also have a contract with the county, but I'm giving a little explanation as to why I didn't hear from you again.
That would be nice. You can't just make ghost people. Three months is nothing.
Three months? How about longer? In a good way.
Wait, Gary, please, stop. You were right, okay?
My feelings for you were so strong that I was scared. I was scared.
Is it true?
Yes, of course it's true, big dummy.
Just last night I was doing laundry and I thought to myself, I miss that damn thing.
I miss hearing what the planes were doing wrong.
What would you do differently if you were managing the team?
It would be much better, wouldn't it?
It would be much better.
The other day I saw a green sock and said, "That's Gary's."
It feels good. Stay in my car every now and then, okay?
Yes. You know what? I will do it. Because it won't be here.
What?
He is my cousin!
Good morning!
He is from Italy. Gary, I swear to God, he's my cousin. He is my second cousin.
It is not culture.
Have you ever been to Italy?
I wanted closure and I got closure. Thank you.
Gary, come on. She was just a flame.
No, no, it wasn't. Not for me. My sister was right about you.
Wait, your sister who was arrested for elder abuse?
Good, Gary. There is something seriously wrong with you.
What, you think you're so perfect? You are indecisive, which is annoying.
Okay, Gary, I'm sorry. Will you let me go? I'm starting at the mall today.
God, I know, I just can't decide.
Neither me.
Do you think I chose him?
Hello, Gary. what can i get you
Can I have a banana bread? Actually, wait, wait.
Yes, I have to go. Lemon bread.
We'll heat it up... oh, no.
I don't even know what to do.
It will be $4.50.
Right.
Circle...
Hey! What the hell are you doing?
Trying to save my house, Gary!
What the hell?
No no no no no!
You have to get it together, Maddy. One more violation and you lose your license.
What good will a license do when I don't have a car?
My mother left me that house. It has been paid. Can they do this?
Well, if you haven't paid your taxes, they can.
So these rich people come in and then our taxes triple? It's stupid.
The good news is that you have until September 1st.
It has been paid.
Not without a car, man.
Do you have any idea how much money I lose every day? I'm not Ubering.
Summer is when I make my net for the year.
understand.
These people are moving, trying to push me out.
Any idea what that feels like?
Of course yes.
Thank you.
See you in the water.
OK.
Yes, the new house, right on the water.
I just dropped the old site. It has to come out.
Chew tea with lime?
Yes, I take them out on the boat every day.
We don't open until noon.
No problem. I will call you right away.
Well, it's noon.
It is 1157.
Yes.
What time is it now?
Why don't you go wait in your boat and I'll blow the foghorn when we're open.
What's wrong with you? Just ask if you're fucking dreaming.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, stop it! What is going on here?
Sir, I'll make you a drink. Good Lord.
You know what? Since then. You should fire him.
I can't fire him. She has a disability.
What? No I don't.
You don't?
No.
That's why I hired you.
nonsense.
You know what? We can't start the summer like this, can we?
You can be a whore any other month of the year.
Be a whore in October. Become a whore in March.
Don't be a whore in June. Good? Because these people keep our lights on.
These people are the reason I'm losing my home.
I'm sorry Fern. I'm having a really crappy morning.
Yes, I see that.
You know what helps me?
Folding napkins.
Oh, it only comes to a thousand dollars.
Oh no, that's just the tires.
You won't find anything on Craigslist. I looked everywhere.
You can always sell your kidney.
You can sell your hair, your plasma, your eggs.
The human body is a cash cow. People don't understand that.
Jim, I can feel our baby getting dumber.
Well, I'm just trying to help. You can always rent the house.
No. I can't stand the thought of those wine people in my house.
Oh, hey, hey. Look at this.
Need a car for college? Meet our 19 year old son this summer.
He is a wonderful young man, extremely bright, but very shy socially.
He has never had a boyfriend and we have tried everything.
We are looking for an attractive, kind
and intelligent woman in her early to mid
20s to date and bring him out of his shell
before he leaves for college in the fall.
In exchange, we'll give you a clean, rust free, 40k mile Buick Regal, serious inquiries only.
The date is in quotation marks.
It has to be a joke, right?
No. No. Have you seen these helicopter parents?
They will do anything for their children. I'm surprised they won't fire them themselves.
However, it says early to mid 20s.
It's okay. I can pass for that.
Good.
Maddie, you won't even rent out the house, but now you'll rent out your badge?
Jim, the adults are talking.
Oh, just because I'm a guy, I can't express an opinion on this?
Exactly. Yes Yes. Shut your mouth.
You have a road tattoo that covers your entire back.
I don't think you should tell anyone what to do with her body.
No.
What about an OnlyFans page?
What is an OnlyFans page, Jim?
That would take too long. I need a card now.
I'm just surprised they're even considering this. That's all I'm saying.
I had a layover the other night and got zero Buick Regals for it.
Yeah, honey, you don't know this, but women have all kinds of reasons to have sex.
I mean, I had sex once because I didn't want to travel in the morning.
I've had sex with a guy once to get away with playing Settlers of Catan.
I had sex with a guy once on the first date because I thought he was going to kill me.
Jesus. What do you mean, "now, baby"?
She's talking about you, idiot.
Whoah!
Yes! This is!
Wait, take it out. There are no tourists. You guys are missing out.
Maybe not even true. It would be the fastest way to get a car.
Oh yes. The kid would probably celebrate his shorts as soon as he saw you.
Then he could just drive straight home.
Oh my God. Jim.
Want my opinion? These people use us. So why don't we use them?
I just know my mother wouldn't want me to save that house.
Yes. Things are so expensive here now. You think I want to wait tables after teaching kids all year?
Listen to me. If you are really worried, you can use our van.
I'm going to send Sarah over there to shoot the baby.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Hey, I'm just trying to keep it light.
Do you really think a kid wants to have sex with you in your current state?
Go back to the seat.
Just open it here.
Go to the seat.
It's cold as hell in here.
Go to the ocean!
Wait, just keep driving.
Maddy!
Oh hello!
Hello!
Having trouble finding the place?
I found it.
Oh, well, welcome to our home.
I'm Allison, and this is my husband, Laird.
Laird? Like lasagna?
Lasagna? No, Laird.
Laird.
Laird.
Am I right?
Yes, one syllable. Laird.
Good.
Just call me Laird.
I can not.
So should I go up, or do you want to come down here?
Not you. You. Come on.
It would be nice.
Come on up.
I just want you to know we have
the utmost respect
for sex workers.
I am not a sex worker.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
I know.
So, Maddy, tell us about yourself.
Where are you from?
Here, actually.
Wow, a local. I am jealous.
You can live in paradise all year round.
I wanted to ask him on the phone.
But how old are you?
I know you were looking for someone in your early to mid 20s.
I'm a little older.
Right. How old?
I just turned 29 years old.
Recently?
Last year.
So you're 29?
Last year.
And how old are you, like, now?
Another year older.
So 30?
Yes. 32.
Can I be honest?
I assume I'm here because you haven't found anyone yet.
And the reason you haven't found anyone yet is because young women are idiots.
It's not their fault. They are young.
But this is your son we're talking about.
What you need is someone who looks
like a peer but has the maturity to be
able to handle this with the tact
and sensitivity the situation calls for.
She is good.
Good. Good answer.
We have just been so worried about our son.
Percy is very loving and very sensitive and extremely smart.
Yes, he is going to Princeton next year.
Oh, I've heard of it.
He's a great musician, but he won't play for anybody.
He just has a lot of social trouble.
You know, and as a mother, it's been really hard to watch these last four years.
He is always on his phone.
He does not leave his room.
He doesn't have any friends.
He doesn't talk to girls.
He doesn't drink. He doesn't go to parties.
You don't drive.
It doesn't do anything for me.
We can't send him to college like that.
You know, he would never make it.
Well, that's why you called a professional.
Not a professional, just a girl who needs a car.
Yes.
We did not come so easily.
You know, we tried everything to get him out of his shell.
We are at the end of our rope.
I was shy when I was Percy's age, but I dated this girl before I went to college.
And she really opened me up sexually.
Good.
Barbara.
Anyway, by the time I got to college, I was out of my shell and thriving.
And that's what we love about Percy.
Is this him?
Yes.
Wow, he is adorable.
Isn't he?
Mm-hmm.
So how does this work?
You know, the fire system or...
This and we know its password.
Mm-hmm.
He's not gay?
No. We have seen his internet history.
Yes, porn is graphic, but not gay.
Large groups of people.
Not to sound like a gift horse in the mouth, but does it have to be a Buick?
It's just what dad drove.
Okay, then why don't you go out with Percy and the Buick is yours.
And don't date her alone, you know?
Get to know him, because he is a very good kid.
So when you say "meet her", do you mean meeting her or dating her?
Yes.
Yes, that is correct.
Meet him.
Meet him hard.
Good.
I will come out with his brain.
So is he in his room? Should I jump out and surprise him?
No, no, no, no, no. He is not here. He can't know about it.
No one can know about it.
No, no one can know about it.
Also, it would destroy him, which would defeat the purpose of building his confidence.
Right, right.
He volunteers at the animal
shelter from 10 to 6, and we
thought maybe you could go and
act like you want to adopt a dog.
And I don't see that happening, but if Percy meets someone organically...
I understood. You better go to work.
Yes.
I'm moving. I'm going, I'm going, I'm going.
Greetings. Can I interest you in unconditional love?
Looking for something to tire you out?
Can he help me?
Well, he mostly works with dogs. I deal with people.
You have a strange energy.
Do not worry. I have been sterilized.
I love her.
Percy, can you help this lady?
Do you mind if it touches your Venus?
What?
your dog.
Oh. Yes.
Um, how can I help you?
I want to adopt a dog.
It's a cute cartoon.
It's anime.
Yes, animated. That's what I said.
Excuse me. I need your help.
Oh sorry. Good.
What type of dog are you looking to adopt?
Well, I would like to adopt them all.
Which is dirtier?
The most confused is Milo. This is Milo.
He's been here longer.
He was a drug dog for the state police, but was forced to retire because he was addicted to COCAINE.
Cocaine?
Oh why! Spin it! Spin it! Spin it!
If he hears the word, he is encouraged.
I'm sorry, Milo. I'm fresh out.
I will need to ask you a few questions to make sure you are a suitable candidate.
It's about everyone's needs for their own rules.
Oh, after a little rule, eh?
Yes, they are very important.
So is there, like, an office or somewhere private?
An office. Come straight this way.
Big.
Maddie Barker.
I feel so far away from you.
Um, husband?
I am currently single. Thank God too. You can have more fun, you know? Be spontaneous.
Not married.
Children?
No, God, no. Very young. Still having fun. Meeting new people. I love him.
No children.
Why do you want to adopt a dog?
Because I can't have my own dog.
And what do you plan to do with a dog if you move?
I'm not moving.
What if you did?
I have lived here all my life. I'm not going anywhere.
Oh sorry. I didn't want to pry.
Well, come on.
Open me up.
Circle...
Oh, what? Already?
OK sorry. I will have to forward this request to my supervisor.
Oh, come on. There must be more questions than that.
Yes, they are there. But I have to start closing. So yes, however, you can come back another day.
I may not want a dog another day. I want a dog now.
Well, then pet ownership might not be for you.
It actually sounds a lot like the kind of person we would normally get a dog from.
How about I give you a ride home and we can keep talking? You are on your way.
How do you know where I live?
Your parents told me.
What?
It's in your school bag.
Everything under control?
Hey Crispin, what's the company's policy on leaving early? It's like we super can't do that, right? Would it be, you know, edgy?
Oh, come on. Let's go.
Good. Good.
You can finish alone, right? Bet you do it all the time.
Thank you.
Goodbye.
OK then. Approved.
Is this your car?
That's it for tonight.
Actually, you know what? This is bad, but I just remembered that I've been cycling here, so I'll keep this up.
Well, that's okay.
I'll just throw it on the back.
You can ride ahead with me.
Come on, I won't bite.
If you want me to.
Good, but no bite.
I go out whenever I feel like it was a few times.
Where is the rest of my seat belt?
It's a lap belt. Just pretend you're on a plane. I will be your flight attendant.
Why are you a flight attendant flying an airplane?
Because I killed the pilot and took over the plane. You are my hostage.
This is not the way to my house.
Good.
Give me that.
What are you doing?
Our generation and our phones, huh?
I do not know.
Yes, down there.
Why?
You tried to kidnap me.
I can't kidnap you. You're 19. Grow up.
You put me in a van and took my phone.
I'm not kidnapping you. First I want to give you all my personal information.
Why couldn't you have used your rape whistle?
Why would I have a rape whistle?
Why the hell do I need it?
We are sorry. Will you take the hose, please?
Is broken.
Is it water?
Did you just turn on the water?
what the hell with me?
I just thought maybe it was our date.
The throat.
Good.
Oh.
I'm sorry. I'm trying to help.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm very sorry. I just didn't know what you were trying to do.
I just thought you were hot.
Do you think I'm hot?
Yes.
You are super hot.
Maybe we should go on a date, though?
I'm going to go put on another dress.
Oh no. I didn't mean it now. I meant, you know, tomorrow. Like, a real date.
Oh. Yes. This is better.
Good. Tomorrow, then.
Thanks for the ride.
Goodbye.
I can't believe this kid is going to Princeton. He's dumb as shit.
He is simply afraid of the world. They all are.
They grew in Cayston bubbles.
My cousin, she is 20. She still lives at home.
He will not go outside without a helmet.
It could be a medical thing.
You know, the problem is the parents. They made him a child.
Anyway, I'll need the van tonight for my big meeting.
No.
What?
No. It will take me about a week to stream that thing. Sara is pregnant. I can't get her to breathe those fumes.
You'll have to ask Fern to borrow that stuck car.
This will drop her panties.
Hey, Mel.
Hello Mel.
Hello guys.
Have you heard of Mel?
She got herself a sugar daddy.
I'm glad you did.
Then you won't have to worry about a car or property taxes.
No. No way am I going to be on call for a rich ass all summer.
You see me doing this, it means I have completely compromised who I am.
And you can kill me. Because I gave up.
Should have had this Buick by now, but this kid can't be mocked.
So you look like an accountant in the Bahamas.
It was too hot for pants.
Greetings.
Greetings.
I'm so glad we're doing this. The date was a great idea.
I'm going loud to the porter.
Oh yes. I know. The owner. it's good.
It's just that I'm 21 years old.
That doesn't matter here.
Well, I think it's a federal law.
Here is the waitress.
I hope my parents don't know I'm here.
Did they come here?
No no. They tracked my phone.
Wow. Good. Have you been microchipped too?
Here she is. Flash.
What do you want, Maddie?
A Long Island Iced Tea for me and...
A cup of tea, please.
We only have Coca-Cola.
Oh. Do you want to go somewhere else?
No. Percy, he'll have an iced tea on Long Island, too.
Good.
Thank you.
I'm really tense.
Why? Is everything OK?
Yes. I just... I had this really intense dream about you last night. do not ask.
Of course. It's private.
Do you ever have them?
Strong dreams? Um... Actually, yes.
Tell me.
Do you know Harley Quinn from Suicide Squad?
Good.
I had this dream where I wouldn't let her adopt a dog.
So she locked me in one of the dog cages and dragged me to her shelter.
I just kicked the cage and screamed.
And that made you finish?
I haven't done it.
How the hell is this a sex dream?
Ask me if I have intense dreams.
You are right. I should have been more specific.
I used to have nightmares about this song when I was a kid.
Why?
Because it's about a monster. A man-eater.
She only comes out at night. Like, "Watch out, boy. She's gonna chew you up."
I don't think that's what the song is about.
It is a look into the future.
Good. Long Island Iced Tea for America's Sweetheart. And one for the boy.
Oh. Good news, by the way.
We have some new dogs today. So, you know, if you're still looking for
This is the worst iced tea I have ever had.
Percy, you're going to college soon. You will have to learn how to drink.
You can't spend your whole life scared of everything.
I am not afraid of everything.
Come on. Open it. Take a medicine. Come on, kid.
I am sure you will like it.
Fine, fine. Look what the tide dragged.
Hello, Travis.
Well, I don't know if you've heard, but...
Big. congratulations.
Thank you. Thank you.
I know, it turns out that your little act of disappearing was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Well, I'm glad I can help.
I know, my wife, she speaks three languages.
She is hot as hell. Sex is incredible.
And then we do everything together. All that.
This is wonderful. Is her vagina dishwasher safe?
No. She is a real person. Unlike you.
Want to know what the best part is?
When I told her I loved her, she returned it.
Instead of running away like a coward.
Well, it must have been a really exciting second date.
Better be careful with this one.
It is slippery.
Goodbye. Goodbye, Travis.
Is he your ex boyfriend?
More like a friend.
It felt like you didn't really love him.
You have met him. Do you like it?
I have not had sex with him.
Would you like to? I have called again.
Hey Travis!
No no no no.
I don't want to do this. I just...
I don't know, I guess, why would you have sex with someone if you don't like it.
Because it was Christmas and I was lonely. I do not know.
But why did it disappear then?
What's with the questions? Can't we get drunk and have fun?
We are sorry. I'm just trying to get to know you.
Do you want to get out of here?
Yes, please.
I think I'm a little drunk.
Yes, you've had too much to drink.
No I was not.
God, I love the beach.
I just feel so free here. or not?
um yes
However, I think it is closed.
Oh, it's after eight, so...
We could come back during business hours.
Do we have a whole country to ourselves?
Lots of red flags!
Let's go swimming.
Well, here are my saviors.
Perfect. We can do skinny dipping.
Oh, no swimming.
Oh, we tried.
You know, those rules are more like just a suggestion.
Come on, let's get you out of these Daisy Dukes.
Maddie, I don't...
I'm ugly too. I knew it. I knew it.
What?
No.
No.
Seems like.
Not me...
I think you are the most beautiful person I have ever seen.
Really?
Where beautiful?
Nice here?
Or beautiful... here?
What about sharks?
Maddie, here!
Jellyfish?
Not in season!
It's really the lack of saviors that causes me a problem.
I am very...
Enter here now!
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Come on, I promise nothing will happen.
Isn't that how it all started?
I will believe you.
See? Not so bad.
What are we going to do?
I do not know.
Hello!
Hey, what are you two doing there?
We just do our taxes.
Yours?
Yes, no need to follow them.
Undress.
Remove the dirty clothes.
They are taking our clothes.
Hey, bring it back!
Suck my balls!
I'm warning you!
Goodbye, season!
You said nothing bad went down.
We need to find an adult.
Percy, you're an adult!
Where are you going?
It's a butcher, but not...
Oh, friend!
Oh heck!
Take it, brother!
Dude!
Wait, are you sure you want to release it?
We lost one.
Heck, yes.
Come here, pussy!
Oh heck.
Connor!
What the hell?
How about you?
Do you love business?
No, no, take it.
Think you can't steal clothes?
You need dirty help.
Call the cops and stay out of Montauk!
Where were we?
What happened there?
I got one up close.
Did you beat those kids?
No, they apologized.
I heard shouting.
Who is apologizing?
I dont like this.
Someone is really on my case.
They have our clothes, our phones, our keys, our wallets.
I have returned them.
What would you have done, nothing?
You should thank me.
I was trying to open a plan.
A plan to do what?
Call your mom and dad?
Suck it, Will.
Sorry, that was bad.
Let's call each other.
No.
Why not?
Because it's like you're trying to eat me.
I won't have sex with someone I don't know.
It's better that way.
Believe me.
Not for me.
This is nonsense.
I finished.
Sorry for you.
Hey hey!
Hey, give me my clothes.
Your little shorts.
where is my phone
Is it in your car?
No.
He can barely see.
It's not here, Percy.
Can we just check?
My parents should be able to know where I am.
Why?
Are you a child?
Give me my phone!
Percy, take off my hood!
Not until you give me my phone!
I need it!
Okay, guess we're doing that.
Okay, very funny, Maddie.
Give me my phone!
I'll need my phone!
I'll drive to dirty Chicago.
Give me my phone!
Don't test me.
Because I'm crazy.
I am stupid.
i am dumb
I don't give a damn.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, thank God.
I'm on probation.
I can't lose my license.
What the hell are you doing?
Oh, thank God.
I don't see any police there.
I think we lost them.
Are you sure?
Keep looking.
I can't believe you drove over the train tracks.
I thought we were going to die.
You were really brave holding on like that in the hood.
Most guys would have fallen.
I have pretty strong hands.
From piano lessons.
Oh, we must have some music.
Yes Yes.
Hey, thanks for these clothes, by the way.
I like your house very much.
It's comfortable.
The bedroom is the best part.
I will tell you later.
Oh, we're wearing the same shorts.
Did you grow up dancing?
Suck it up.
Yes.
You mean drink the metal?
Yes.
Yes, sometimes I break them.
Yes.
Suck it up.
More difficult.
You can.
Good.
We are sorry.
How long have you lived here?
How?
How did it become so little?
I mean, I'm her leg.
Do you want to switch?
Do you want to go to the bedroom?
We can take the club.
Yes.
are you ok
Yes, I want, I want, yes, I just cheat a little.
But let's go.
We are sorry.
Does it seem strange?
Yes.
it's good.
My back also itches.
What?
This happens sometimes when I have anxiety.
I know you are really excited.
I'm sorry.
This is for frying the boards, but it should do it.
I am very ashamed.
Do not be.
I once went to a Halloween party dressed as a kid.
My girlfriend was there.
As we were hooking up, we both realized I had diaper rash from my suit.
I was 21.
You don't have a door?
Diapers are underwear.
No they are not.
Diapers are like clothed toilets.
Well, I haven't used it.
Of course you didn't.
There is a smile.
I don't have much to smile about.
I can hardly leave my room.
I have lived in this house all my life.
Really?
I left once when I was 18.
I had this custom chart of all the California beaches I was going to surf.
I made it all the way to New York City before turning back.
why did you come back
I just realized that everything I need is here.
And my mother got sick, so...
I stayed to take care of him.
Why couldn't your father do it?
Raise your arms up.
I had to change schools after I
slept through ninth grade, and
everyone found out that I still
sometimes slept in my parents' room.
It turned into this rumor
that I slept in the same bed
with them, and it turned
out that I had sex with them.
It was horrible.
Maybe why I spent so much time alone.
You don't have friends?
Yes, I have many friends.
Online only.
Having Jodi in my life helps a lot too.
WHO?
Jodi is my old nanny.
Come back.
I'm sorry I couldn't have sex with you today.
I guess I'm a bit of a romantic.
it's okay.
Maybe we can spend the day together tomorrow?
Then I promise to wear...
of Tinsley.
i will kill you
What the hell?
I will be angry with you.
Hello sir.
It is a light.
There.
You can finally drink while naked.
You understand me.
What else?
Oh, close your eyes.
And stick out your finger.
Now you're stuck with me forever.
It's a finger trap!
Oh.
Percy, get me out of this.
Stop, stop pulling, stop pulling.
Relax.
Just push it in.
Do you think we would have been friends in high school?
Yes, I think so.
I don't know, I feel like you were prom queen or something.
I didn't even go to prom.
What? Nobody asked you?
Everyone asked me. The teachers asked me.
I had a date and a dress.
What happened?
It was a long time ago. Who cares?
I am interested.
Well, you asked why my father didn't take care of my mother when she was sick.
That's because he was in town with his family.
They spend the summer here.
Oh.
They had a relationship.
And then I came.
I was just a mess he didn't want to deal with so he got his lawyers to clean everything up, gave my mom some money and a house to get us out.
Years later, I wrote my father a letter asking him why he wanted nothing to do with me.
But on the morning of graduation, the letters were returned to me, unopened.
And so after that, I didn't want to go to prom, I didn't want to do anything, I just stayed in my room and cried.
Why didn't you go back to him?
Because damn, he left. He gave me work.
What?
can i kiss you
It's Jodi.
WHO?
Jodi, my nanny. Do you remember? Meet at the lighthouse.
Yes.
Good.
Are you sure you don't want to come back to my house and mess with my kids?
Yes, Jodi!
Greetings.
Here it is.
My dick will bruise.
This must be the famous Maddie.
And you're Jodi, you're Percy's nanny?
Mr. Mary Poppins.
Well, you guys stayed pretty close, huh?
Oh yes, very close.
What are you there, friend?
Oh, is that a Frisbee?
Oh yeah, Maddie won it.
Beautiful!
Look at that.
Maddie! Outcome!
Hey, Percy, come on.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
I understood.
Real motor in that little guy.
What the hell do you want?
Excuse me?
It's his parents' money, not his.
Do you like little kids or something?
Do I like small children? You are a male nanny.
What do you want from him?
The same as you. I want to meet him.
I have babysat for many powerful families here.
So if you hurt him, I'll hurt you.
What are you going to do, throw a pacifier at me?
Hey stupid!
It was in a thorn bush, but I figured it out.
This is incredible.
Okay, are you ready for your gift?
Yes, I'm taking it out.
Oh my God.
Did you find this?
I figured it would push him into surfing early.
Wow.
It turns on.
Makes? Why don't we see if that makes it better?
Yes, I have batteries.
Beautiful.
Hey, how's the Buick thing going?
I haven't received it yet.
Really?
Oh.
Why?
You mean they haven't given it to you yet?
You can sue him for that, you know?
Well, actually, we haven't had sex yet.
He just needs more of a connection first.
I actually really like him making friends.
He will forget everything about me.
He will be going to college in the fall.
Well, it's happening tonight.
We are having dinner.
Are you going to dinner?
Okay, so you're, like, dating then.
Shut your mouth.
I know what I'm doing.
Maddie.
It's me, Doug Cohn.
We went to high school together.
Do you remember?
Yes, you're right.
I ran a varsity track.
I left Sweet Cherry Ritmiana.
I had sex with our Spanish teacher, Mrs. Walsh.
Doug Cohn!
You were on TV.
Didn't Mrs. Walsh go to jail?
Uh, no.
Mrs. Cohn did.
We got married.
But, you know, they never run that story.
Well, how can I help you, Doug?
Well, I'm a real estate broker now.
I can tell you this is a fabulous neighborhood.
I mean, an acre down the road.
Name your prize, Maddie.
That was a great achievement, Doug.
Listen, come on.
If you don't pay your lien, the county will go out of business to sell your home.
You lose half the value of this property.
Let me list it and you'll get full price.
So they can destroy this whole thing?
Stay out of my yard, Doug.
Is this a good idea?
No, I love it.
Finally we will go to prom.
I have something for you.
I have this.
It's from my garden.
Careful.
You look beautifull.
Should we take a picture?
I left my phone at home on purpose.
What?
Yes.
I do not believe you.
No, I did.
I do not believe you.
No, I didn't have it.
I just want to talk to you.
Just crack it.
The claws are still sharp.
I would like to
have a much better
event if I actually
went to my prom.
Why not?
I just didn't ask anyone.
Why?
I do not know.
I think after everything that happened at school,
I just wanted to stay invisible.
If they couldn't see me, they couldn't make fun of me.
People need to see who you are.
You are big.
Thank you.
What?
Play something.
No.
I said you play.
You have to play something.
No, I won't play.
If you don't play something,
I'll make a toast to the
whole restaurant about
what a great lover you are.
Good.
It's time for them to find out.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
What?
What do you want me to play?
It does not matter.
Play anything.
Play for me.
the hell
the hell
shoot me
the hell
OK?
OK.
the hell
the hell
the hell
the hell
the hell
the hell
the hell
the hell
the hell
the hell
Average and hungry type.
Nothing is new.
I've seen it here before.
Watching and waiting.
Oh, she's sitting with you, but her eyes are on the door.
So much pain to watch.
What do you think you're getting for free?
The woman is fierce, but softened by the shame of the pervert that you are.
The issue is money.
If you're in it for love, you won't get very far.
Oh, here she comes.
Watch out, boy, she'll chew you up.
Oh, yes, she won't.
She is a man eater.
I wouldn't be in your place.
I know what she can do.
She is a deadly man.
It can really rip your worth.
I don't care.
Oh, the beauty is there, but the beast is in her heart.
Oh, here she comes.
Watch out, boy, she'll chew you up.
Oh, here she comes.
She is a man eater.
What the hell?
This was incredible.
How did you know that song?
We're talking about people eating, so...
That's what Owen taught us.
What are you?
Percy.
Natalie.
Greetings.
Oh my God.
This is very funny.
She was wonderful.
Oh my God.
Dude, I haven't seen you in so long.
Wait, my parents told me you're going to Princeton?
Yes.
I am too.
What?
How funny is that?
I know.
This is huge.
Oh.
Maddie, this is Maddie.
Maddie, nice to meet you.
Are you friends with his parents?
No.
So, are you excited?
Yes, very excited.
It's wild.
I look at them at all, like freshman girls at my high school, and I don't know, I just feel so old.
Yes.
Yes.
Very good to see you.
I don't know what you're going to do later, but it's this party I'm going to.
There will be a bunch of Princeton people there.
Oh, we have plans, but thank you very much.
Oh bad.
I can send you the address.
He didn't bring his phone, so...
Oh, I can give you the address.
There is no need.
It cannot be hurt.
It can hurt.
31 Amagansett Street.
It was very nice to meet you.
Oh my God.
Next year is going to be a lot of fun.
Yes, oh, this is so exciting.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, madam.
Good night.
Goodbye.
Very funny.
Don't forget to order a fake whore for dessert.
This is, like, super cool.
Well, anyway, I can't believe you can do this, but you can't drive.
Yes, actually, so I've been thinking about getting my license.
This is wonderful.
Yes?
Good.
I mean, Princeton is five hours away by train,
but if i have a car then i can --
it would be much easier for me to come back here on the weekend.
Well, you will...
you will want to spend weekends at school.
Yes, you're probably right.
You can always come visit me.
Well, I don't have a car.
You can take the train.
It's only five hours.
Yes.
I just don't really -- I don't do long distance.
I hear Montauk is
best in the fall, but
all the summer people
are in Orem, so...
It's quite a journey.
I don't know what you want.
I just want to have fun tonight and not talk about all this stuff.
I'd like to leave, please.
Are you serious?
Yes.
It's my problem too.
I'm just trying to be realistic.
Yes.
And me.
Are you drinking now?
I like Fairmount.
I'm going to college soon.
I need to know how to drink properly.
Where are we going?
It's a shortcut.
Princeton party?
You said I should hang out with people my own age, right?
I didn't mean tonight.
Then don't go.
No, yo, what's going on, you guys?
It's your son Cameron B.
We're kicking off summer right at a sick house party in Montauk.
Well, what's up? It's me, Trash Gucci.
If you or someone you know is being bullied, don't be afraid to speak up.
Bullying is not a...
Well, excuse me, ma'am.
What are you doing here?
Just getting a beer, Frosted.
That, my friend, is what we call a bully, eh?
No, not a phone. Someone help a cute little girl.
I mean, how old are you?
Hell, you're all alone...
No disrespect, he loves cute girls.
I love the big cats.
Well, why don't you two big cats kiss each other, then?
Is that an insult?
Of course he is a professor.
Why is having sex with each other an insult?
See what you just did? Say it again.
No, I didn't mean it in a homophobic way.
How did you say it then?
It was a joke. I'm not - I'm with girls.
I'm not -- I'm not homophobic.
Where did you come from? Don't film me. Do not comment.
Have you seen Percy?
He's not up here.
He is with Natalie upstairs.
Mom, I'm on trial.
Percy?
Yes?
Wait, your name is Percy?
Yes.
Percy?
Sorry, go ahead.
Percy?
It's not called human anymore?
Percy?
Percy?
Open this door!
Percy!
Open this door, this is your last chance!
Percy!
Did you shoot him?
Oh my God.
Did you shoot him?
Oh no, please, nothing happened.
I'm drunk, it's good.
Are you drunk already?
No, no, he got something. I don't know, I think it was a pill.
Percy, did you get anything?
Percy, did you take a pill?
Come on.
Stick your fingers in your throat. Make yourself jump.
I do not want.
Just feed it. Feed him.
Let me do it.
do you feel better
Not even at all.
I didn't know you couldn't drink with hyperprop.
Is this what you got?
Who told the joke?
Okay, who told the joke?
Your dirty parents are here?
Do you think our son would have a party without our consent?
This is. Come on, you don't belong here.
I don't belong here! I've lived here all my life! You don't belong here!
Don't attend a high school party, miss.
Well, we're leaving.
Okay, let's go. Stand back, okay?
Leave it!
Stay back!
Get out of here. Come on.
Dont touch me!
Oh shit! Oh heck!
Oh, the fan!
Hell!
Don't leave, you go.
I just want you to know, I would never hurt you.
I know.
I am ready for you.
Are you sure?
Yes.
Good.
I am.
I do not know. Where is the perforation?
Let me help you.
I love you.
I love you.
Percy, you're drunk.
A little. Is it okay?
i still love you
I don't think we should do this when you're drunk. Not for the first time.
Good.
I think we have to wait.
I will not wait.
This is what I wanted.
Well, look what the cat crawl did.
Fun night?
Yes, yes, really fun.
This is good.
Hey, I'll take you to work. Can we talk.
Actually, would it be okay if I drive?
I'm thinking about getting my license, so, you know, I can use the practice.
My son, licensed driver.
Yeah, it's just, you know, if I have a car, it'll be easier to see my girlfriend.
Oh, your girlfriend?
Yes.
Her name is, her name is Maddie.
She's on the older side, but she's really, really fun.
Fun is important.
Yes.
She doesn't really want to do long distance, so I'm not going to Princeton.
What?
Just, you know, Maddie's here.
It just makes sense to us.
You're going to Princeton.
I'm not. I am 19.
Good.
I'm an adult now. I can make my own decisions.
And I'll stay here, okay?
Honey, why don't you go wait in the car, and daddy will be right out.
What the hell was that?
Just relax, okay?
You drive for a living.
Let me get this.
She is looking for Tesla.
Call him immediately. I'm going to yell at her.
Are you going to yell at her?
Yes.
You think I'm the kind of person who can convince him to go to college?
You are right. You are right.
I know.
You think they, uh, call it. Call him now.
Greetings. I wanted to call you.
Listen, I don't think I can do this.
Percy is very attached.
You can have the car.
Really?
Although we don't...
Look, you brought him out of his shell, and that's all we wanted.
But now he has an idea that he wants to stay in Montauk and...
You have to convince him that he should go to college.
Yes.
Big. Big. I will sign over the title today.
So if I can convince him to go to Princeton, I get the car?
Shouldn't I have sex with him anymore?
Hello, Maddy? Hello?
Hello?
Can I try some wine?
Yes of course. I think it's okay.
Mm-hmm.
Good. That's... That's good.
Easy there.
Darling, please.
You want to enjoy it.
Yes.
Enjoy it.
Oh!
Did I double the book?
Aren't you going to ask Maddy about yourself?
Oh, Maddy?
Where are you from?
Actually, here. I'm from here.
Yeah, actually, she's never... You've never left, have you?
Well, it's very nice here. I don't blame you.
This chicken is delicious. Thank you.
Mom, you didn't make it. nest
Where is it?
Well, the important thing is that it is delicious.
I think the important thing is the truth.
And I haven't been completely honest with you all.
I didn't get the dates wrong.
I just wanted to
introduce you to them, but
I didn't know how to
explain how old you are.
Well, I'm not that old.
Uh, I actually know someone who married our high school Spanish teacher.
40 years age difference.
40 years! And that's how old you are, right?
No.
You guys won't ask us how we met?
Oh, how did you meet?
Want to tell them? No, I will tell them.
That's how we are. It's really random.
Maddy went in to adopt a dog.
Uh, yes, but I rejected her application because she was completely unqualified.
But we still hit it.
I mean, the first day we met, I had to cheat on him.
She was so filthy excited.
Percy, Percy, be a gentleman.
I'm joking, I'm joking. I'm kidding.
We actually have a lot in common.
We will both be old.
Oh, I'm so - oh god, I'm so sorry.
I have to get this, but please keep getting to know each other, you know?
My favorite people.
Did you tell him? No.
He brought the tools.
Okay, we have to move fast. We are in the middle of dinner.
what do you have
Baked chicken and salad.
I love salad.
She will hate not having slippers.
It's very easy.
She broke your heart, she broke your car because she's the only thing he cares about.
She was like everything else in my life.
Planned by my parents.
Ah, you're not doing anything.
God the American generation.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
War teacher.
Hey, here it is.
All clear?
Hey.
How do we do?
Where were you?
you okay? I'm - your parts are down.
I really don't think they can.
Well, can we just talk?
I do not--
Oh, my wrist.
What is happening?
I'm just a little confused.
Because I--because I thought you wanted to have sex with me.
So if there's something I don't know, just tell me.
No.
No?
No.
I want to. Let's do it.
Let's have sex.
If that's what you want, it will make you happy.
Yes. Yes.
Big.
Big.
Um, what - what do I - what do I do?
Get on top.
Good.
Good.
And now--
I'am happy.
Percy, you're not.
I have not passed it.
Oh heck!
did you go too?
did you go too?
No.
That was - those were my thighs.
Joking.
Yes.
By the way, your car was in the forest, crushed by a tree.
What?
I had some kind of silly idea that I actually liked you.
Percy.
Was there any truth?
Yes.
It's true. I've told you things I've never told anyone.
I was just trying to save my house. It wasn't personal.
It felt personal.
Percy, I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry.
You have to go.
I think.
The truth is, one day I'll live in Paris or something and come back to visit Moontauk and you'll still be here.
How much money do your parents have?
A set of completed classes. Well, you guys are close.
But you are rich, aren't you? For example, you never have to worry about money.
So my life is great, right? I dont have problems.
I will lose my house.
And I don't have a rich father who can help me.
Actually, Maddie, yes.
And you will waste your whole life in that house waiting for him to come back and apologize.
Because you've never actually been past New York, have you?
Because you've never actually been past New York, have you?
Yes.
What? Gary, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.
This is not my car.
Well, your name is in the title. It's your car.
What should I do with a car that doesn't work?
Who says it doesn't work?
These things are built to last.
Unlike us.
What?
I didn't say anything.
What the hell, you guys?
Percy, the tongue.
You can't tell me what to do anymore. I am the parents now.
Okay, what other things have you done for me that I don't know about?
That time I beat you at basketball, did you let me win?
No. You beat me fairly.
What about Kyle McElroy? Kyle McElroy, the kid who bullied me.
Have you ruled it out?
No. I was told that it was his dream to go to military school.
Okay, whatever it is, it's done.
You can't track me anymore. I'm changing my phone password.
For what?
Okay, that's exactly what I'm talking about.
I know you're trying to help me, but you're not.
You must let me fail or succeed on my own.
Is it understood?
Okay, you can go.
Good.
Stop! Leave it to him.
Yes.
Kelly!
I have your photo.
Come inside.
Come in!
Oh.
New bed! Check it out!
Yes. And that car is a little bumpy.
What do you want. Summer is over, we've got our town back, and we can still have Thanksgiving at my house.
Yes.
What?
Good. Good. I will do it. Here goes.
Sara has something to tell you.
Thanks, Jim.
I think we're going to Florida.
What?
I know. I know. We wouldn't do it if we didn't have to. You know that. I don't want to go to Florida.
We just can't afford to buy our place here.
And we can't continue to stay with Jim's parents when the baby comes.
They only have one bathroom.
I can not believe that.
We are really out of options. We are sorry.
Yes. We want to stay.
Don't be angry. I'm not crazy. I just...
I can't believe you're leaving.
I can't believe you're staying.
What will she say?
You know what? I just... My friend is in the bathroom.
I just want to say that... I don't know.
How long will you continue to do this?
Are you having sex for Buicks? This is probably it.
This was not what I wanted.
I did what I had to do to save my mom's house, okay?
Yes.
You keep saying this, but...
Your mother wanted you to be happy.
And you don't look happy.
I'am happy. Are you?
I like my life here.
OK.
I must tell you that I will be back in town tomorrow morning.
tomorrow? Can't login faster?
No. Late.
Oh.
What is this?
Finger trap? I used to love these things.
So do you live in the city?
Mm-hmm.
Have you been here all summer?
Where is that question, Annie?
I'm trying to get to know you.
I'm sorry.
Circle...
I have an idea.
Close your eyes for me.
Come on, close them.
Give me the finger.
Forward.
Up.
Good. Open your eyes.
Oh, what the hell?
Oh! hell!
Oh!
Stop pulling it!
This is a gift from a friend!
Oh! Oh! Don't pull it! Don't pull it!
You have to push yourself to get out.
IM trying!
Ugh.
Oh.
It was kind of weird, huh?
Anyway...
I live in Battery Park.
Get out.
Yes.
Yes.
Doug Connor, Realty.
Doug, it's Maddie.
I want to sell.
Big.
Don't get too excited.
Here's the catch.
hey is he here
No.
Well, he won't return my calls or texts.
Are you going to tell him I came in?
Absolutely not.
Really?
Yes.
He went to hell. He is a special boy.
Cocaine!
OK.
Let's hear it.
My name is Jody and I am registered...
Remember when I said I made some powerful friends, Nanahan?
This includes the Suffolk County Tax Assessor.
And they will make your property taxes go up.
Very high.
I sold the house.
Sorry, can I use your bathroom?
It's number two.
It's Maddie.
can i talk to him
He is not at home.
He will be at the Princeton Mixer later.
Good.
Thank you.
Several dining clubs to choose from if you arrive in the new year.
I can't wait to get eaten at Princeton.
What?
I tried to call you. You can't ignore me.
Leave me alone.
Percy, lock me out.
I don't owe you anything.
Stop.
Percy.
I don't owe you anything.
I don't owe you anything.
Well, I owe you something.
Our friendship is real.
You made me realize that I had to push to get out.
I was hurt.
So I hurt people.
Percy.
Percy!
Percy, open the door.
Come on, open the door.
Please, let's talk.
What are you doing?
Remove the hood.
I don't want anything to do with you.
I won't come down until you talk to me.
Then I think we are doing this.
Hey, easy.
What the hell?
This is scary.
I can't believe he's in this.
Then go down.
No!
Not until you trust me that I care about you.
You lied to me.
Just take a dirty car.
I don't mind you.
Go down.
Go down.
Let's talk.
Get off the hood of my car.
Make me...
I don't know how.
I can't breathe.
Oh god, I'm walking.
Help!
Help!
fire!
Oh shit.
Oh my God.
Bernie!
Bernie!
Bernie!
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I just got my license and I've already wrecked two cars.
You? It is not dilapidated.
I fixed it.
It's made with a little love.
My grandfather shot himself in that nuclear weapon.
I'm kidding.
You little shit.
You're lucky I came back for you.
Where would you be without me?
I would definitely still be a virgin.
You're still a virgin, not yet.
No, that actually counts.
Well, you can tell your college friends whatever you want.
If I make any friends.
What do you mean, what friends?
I think we'll probably be back for Thanksgiving.
I won't be here.
I sold my house and am moving to California.
You'll be fine.
What are you, some kind of wise Buddha?
I am older than you.
You'll be fine.
We'll both be fine.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
i...
Yes?
It still matters.
Oh, you didn't blindfold me and tell me you're having an affair?
OK.
What am I looking at?
The house.
The house?
Instead of selling it to some rich idiot, I decided to sell it to you guys.
Yes, regular ass.
Who had to sell one of the boats.
Hey, we can't.
No, we can.
But you could have gotten more for it.
I had enough.
That's how we stay.
This is what we wanted.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Oh wait.
Oh.
Right, the thing you did.
There she is.
Should we decide?
We will do it.
We'll do it as soon as you leave.
Well, I think that's it.
Call us as soon as you get there, okay?
Or not.
Absolutely fine either way.
Yes, we are fine.
Are you guys going to be ok?
Yes Yes.
Finally empty nesters.
Come on, get out of here, you.
I love you guys.
We love you so much.
I love you too, huh?
Please don't follow me.
No.
Good.
Good.
Sure you don't want help with the bags?
No, I got it.
Well, let him live.
I'm sorry.
it's okay.
Dear.
Yes, that's it.
Yes.
Good.
OK.
Yes, see you soon.
Nice to meet you.
Good.
Beautiful.
Yes.
OK.
See you guys for Thanksgiving.
Yes.
Good.
The wrong way.
Goodbye dear.
Goodbye.
Your Uber is here.
I didn't ask for any conversation.
Oh, we're talking, mate.
All the way to Princeton.
Then I'll call you
from my home in
California, tell you
about my new boyfriend.
New boyfriend?
He is an ex-cop.
Good.
He has had several drug addictions in the past.
Huh.
Do you want to meet him?
No.
Well, he really wants to meet you.
Fish.
Greetings.
Ready to leave?
After.
Are you?
After.
I saw you smiling in the summer sun.
I saw you long hair flying with me.
I decided it was meant to be.
One day, lady, you will accompany me.
One day, lady, you will accompany me.