No Panic, With a Hint of Hysteria (2016) Movie Script

- Don't do it.
Go on, stop torturing me.
Go on, get it over with!
- Do him.
- I can't.
- Gun got jammed?
- No, I just, I can't.
I can't force
myself to, you know.
- That's some hitman
you got there.
Where'd you get him, Craigslist?
- What's with you, dude?
Second season and you
still got icing problems?
- Icing?
- He doesn't even
know what icing is.
This guy kills me.
You mean this kind of icing.
- That's a good one.
- He's funny American guy.
- Hey, sweetie, I
can't talk right now.
I'm at work.
Uh, yeah, it was an emergency.
- Cops will be here any minute.
- What?
No, no, one of my associates
said the copies will be here
any minute, on my desk.
Well, yeah, there's lots of
emergencies in accounting.
Well, uh, if you must
know, there's, um,
certain, uh,
ambiguities in the law
regarding expired products.
- Watch out!
- Sorry!
No, not you, not you, I,
no, what, I, of course,
how could I possibly
forget the nutmeg?
Listen, just go, go
back to sleep, okay?
- You kidding me?
- What?
I'm sorry, okay?
She just called to remind
me to buy the nutmeg.
- Not that!
That's fine and that's cool.
I mean, I can't keep
bumping off people for ya.
- What?
I thought you said you were
doin' it for stress relief!
- I already did for Sweetface,
Fred, and this damn show.
- And don't forget
Gebbles last Friday.
- That guy, too.
- Taxi!
- Merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas.
- Happy Holidays!
- What do
you think will happen
if Gunther got wind of it?
- I mean, he's not
gonna just throw me
in the polar bear pin like
he did the Italian guy.
Would he?
- Nice surprise for Geno, huh?
- Sure was.
What if I asked you to keep
sticking your neck out for me,
and not tell the boss, you know,
till I get the
hang of this thing?
- Meaning we
are such battle comrades?
- I mean bosom buddies.
We are, aren't we?
We've been icing
together for two seasons.
- Such a joke, should be
bonding like brothers,
like blood brothers.
- It
is, it is bonding.
- Let me
tell you something.
The Middle Ages, in the
Middle Ages Spartan warriors
shared everything, even wives.
- Wives?
- Yes.
- What do you mean by bonding?
- And you never even
invited me for dinner.
- The opportunity never
really presented itself.
You want me to invite
you to dinner, don't you?
- That's a good start.
- It's not so simple.
To be perfectly honest, my wife,
she's not your biggest fan.
- What is the matter with her?
- You know women, they can
be so dramatic sometimes.
- She don't like me?
I like her.
She's one foxy cat.
- Huh, you know, personally,
you know, I like you very much.
He's just gonna
stay here like that?
- Sweeper is good for it.
Stiffs, Monday and Thursday.
You must have
brought her up wrong.
- Wait a sec, I'm
the victim here.
I mean, do you, do you have
any idea what it's like
to live with her, huh?
Maybe you and I could go to a
movie together or something.
- Do I look like a queen?
- Right, bad idea,
why invite gossip?
- Yeah, keep off
the crew nowadays.
Underneath the mistletoe
Locked inside your arms
What a sweet world this is
I am the one
you're searching for
Saving my love for you
If you wish on a falling star
Why not believe in me
I am the one
you're searching for
Saving my love for you
- No panic.
It's just dinner.
What could possibly go wrong?
- Cookie?
- Still trying to
lose weight, remember?
- Ah.
That's what you were doing.
Manning up at the YMCA again.
- Well, still haven't given
up on the manning up part.
- No kidding.
- I got you somethin'.
Open up.
- It's not the best
time right now.
- Right.
Ah, it can wait.
I mean, it's not really
Christmas or anything.
It's, you know, a gift, and who
opens presents on Christmas?
- Not there!
Not there.
Not there!
Put the nutmeg in
where the spices are.
You didn't buy the
nutmeg, did you?
- Of course I bought the nutmeg.
I almost did.
- Every day, every day, Toby!
What are you doing in this
freaking job that you don't even
have time
- You wanna talk about my job?
- To just go down.
- We can talk about my job.
- I don't,
and Joe's open til 10.
- We have to talk, actually.
- And this time
don't leave any tips.
You don't have to leave
tips at a grocery store.
- Do you remember my
friend, sort of friend,
Fakir, Alexei, Al Fakir?
- The big Pollack who tried
to rape me at the Christmas do
last year?
- He did, when?
- When you went to get
the champagne glasses.
- Oh.
- You didn't know?
- Well do you think
I would've let him
invite himself to
dinner if I had
- What?
- Right.
I better call it off.
Too late.
- Tell me that's not him.
- It's me!
Nice to see you madame.
Santa is coming
I love this time of the year
I'll set the
tree by the mantle
You wrap the presents, my dear
- What a surprise.
Let's make the dishes
Everyone wishes
Church bells ring
Snowflakes fall
Children singing
Deck the Halls
- Spaghetti Bolognese, you
didn't tell me your wife
is a ninja.
- No, it was right on
the tip of my tongue.
- To tell the truth,
it's not quite Bolognese.
- No, it's minced soy with
onions pretending to be meat.
- And tomato garlic infusion.
- Which is pretending
to be sauce.
- Will be better still
if we had some nutmeg.
- But even without
it, it's still quite tasty.
- Toby got converted--
- To vegetarianism.
- Veganism, dear.
- Of course, dear.
- And is delighted.
- So thrilled.
- No suffering for animals
anymore, I like that.
When I was a kid, I once ate
every Italian dish.
You have to get
to know me better.
After all, we've been
icing with your hubby
for two seasons now.
- Icing?
- Alexei works in the
storage department freezers.
- Cool job.
- I'm gonna go get
the champagne glasses.
- No, no, no, I'll get them.
You stay here and have fun.
- Yeah.
She's a foxy cat, I tell you.
- What, you can't smoke it,
you can't smoke in here!
You want her to kill you?
- Kill me?
That's funny,
you're a funny American guy.
- What is that?
- What?
- Is that a gun?
- How is the hair, funny guy?
- In my home, you can't
bring a gun into my home!
- You are really a
vegetarian or something?
- No, I am a pacifist, okay?
Even I don't bring
a gun into my home.
- You're kidding?
- No, I leave it out front.
- Okay, you don't mix
family stuff with business.
I respect that.
- Give it to me now!
- I have heard about this
phenomenem, phenomena, it's like
some of the things
- Is it loaded?
- Here in New York, apparently
it's called swinging,
and I don't mean jazz.
- This is the safety switch.
- Remember our chat earlier?
- The safety's off on this!
- About the duty
Spartans being such
good comrades?
- You know what happens
if you don't have the safety on?
People could get hurt!
- And they even swap wives.
- Jammed.
- What do you feel about
our swapping wives tonight?
At this wonderful
time of the year
- I'm sorry.
That's a good joke.
You a funny Polish guy.
What was it you
said about swapping,
swapping wives tonight?
- More guests?
- Hello, hi!
- Kamila, his wife.
- You invited her, too?
- For the record, I
didn't invite anybody.
- My big man already there?
- Yes, he--
- No, he isn't!
- What are you doing?
- Oh, he probably doesn't
want her to come in.
- Why?
- Because he doesn't
like her, he never did.
He, he's sort of
hiding from her.
- But it's his wife.
- Okay, you know the
marriage was her idea.
Vladivostok, it's kinda
like Vegas, you know?
Quick job and he was plastered,
been unhappy ever since.
- Let me in!
- Well that explains a lot.
- He's not here!
It's just my wife and I,
and she is a bit cold,
has a bit of a cold, actually.
- Your door was open.
- This is a nonsmoking house.
- It's a very nice house.
So he is not here, huh?
Lucky I beat him to it.
He hates it when I'm late.
Now, I've got something on him
and something quite hidden.
- I really don't think he's
gonna need anything now.
- Oh, yes!
He does!
How is this?
You like my hole?
Used to be Alexei wouldn't
even look at them but now.
All of your, raises
testosterone levels.
It's scientifically proven.
Gins and juice,
caramelized Spanish flies,
tribulus terrestris,
hell of a kick for every man.
Extracts from blue
and blackberries,
powdered el arginee
A fried octopus, they're
chocolate strawberries!
And I thought you
were new to this.
Don't think I'm not prepared.
I'm ready for everything.
Have you ever
tried that, dearie?
Imported from Warsaw,
100 grand stuff,
worth every zloty.
I don't ever swing without
taking at least one.
Only has to drink a lot,
lots of fluids, dearie, lots.
You got a blender, dear?
- Upstairs.
- What?
- The blender is upstairs
in the kitchenette.
- The kitchenette?
- Yeah, the little
kitchen that's upstairs.
- Since when do we have
a little kitchenette
that's upstairs?
- Since we've been
remodeling, remember?
The lady wants her blender,
let her get her blender!
- Store this!
- The kitchenette,
it's upstairs, you'll find it!
- What is going on here?
What's that?
What's that?
What's that?
- So many questions.
- You should know that
I don't eat seafood!
- Well, sweetie, things
could be a little bit worse
than you think.
- They are worse than I think!
What on earth, strawberries!
- Okay, you know what, well
some people are worse off
than that.
Yeah, like him for example.
Don't ask, it was an accident.
I'll explain later.
First, we have to
get rid of that.
And this!
I'm gonna hide him, and
you divert her attention.
That's a great idea.
- I didn't find the kitchenette,
but there is bourbon
to wash the pills
- This is a nonsmoking house.
- Sorry about the lipstick.
And everything is gonna be just
- Can you believe it?
She suddenly just,
just like that,
I don't even know what to do.
I really don't know what to do.
- Dear.
What's your dear's name?
- Melanie.
Melanie dear
Beautiful Melanie
She's cold.
Oh, not so bad.
One, two, three, four five,
She's alive!
- Thank heavens.
I think you saved her life.
- He's dead!
- So, are we starting?
- A corpse, a real corpse!
We need to
- Shh, ssh!
- We need to call the police!
- Ssh, ssh, ssh!
- We need to call the police!
- Ssh, ssh, ssh!
- We need to call the police!
- Without Alexei?
He misses foreplay
once or twice,
that sure won't kill him.
May I cut in?
My turn!
- What's happening here?
- I'm against that.
I'm against everything that's
happening in this house.
We didn't hear the doorbell.
- The door was unlocked.
- We're looking for
Alexei Fakir.
- He's not here!
- We saw him come in.
- With flowers.
- And wine.
- Come in here?
- No, he didn't.
- Yes, yes, he came in--
- And almost immediately
left out the back door.
- So he's comin' back?
- He's never coming back.
- Of course he's coming back.
Okay, that is such a
strong word, never.
- You have to confess!
- It was an accident!
- Confess what?
- Nothing much,
she kissed your
husband when he came in
before he left
out the back door.
You see, gentlemen,
everything's completely fine.
Like I said, everything's
completely fine.
Why don't I just have him
give you a call when
he comes back to life.
I mean, when he comes
back to see his wife.
I have a bit of a cold.
You know, could even be a virus.
- Take a look.
- It might even be contagious.
- Alexei Fakir was
a murder witness--
- Early in the morning.
- We're looking
for the guy with the gun.
I haven't seen anything!
I haven't.
I'm just an accountant.
- That's what they all say.
- A little search won't hurt.
- Might
even do some good.
- You know what would
do some good, gentlemen?
Is if you had a search warrant.
Do you?
I'm a stickler for the law!
- One more thing.
- Yes?
If you'll excuse me, I have
a bit of tidying up to do.
- We'll be back.
- Oh,
what's wrong with you?
- She told me to get out.
And what's all this nonsense
about calling the cops?
- No, no, it's just
where she comes from
swinging is illegal.
- Swinging?
- Really, where
do you come from?
- America.
- England.
- They're so repressive.
It's okay, relax, get
ready, take a shower.
No panic, I have a plan.
- We're taking him
to the police, right?
- No, he wouldn't like that.
He's never liked 'em.
He used to confuse
'em with the KGB.
It's a childhood trauma thing.
Just a second.
- I'm ready!
- Don't you think
I'm entitled to some?
- Explanation?
First we need to make
sure that no one's here.
Ladies first.
- Ssh!
Ssh, ssh, ssh, ssh, ssh, okay.
Ssh, ssh, ssh, breathe, breathe,
breathe, breathe, breathe.
Okay, just, just,
just think of it,
just think of it as, as
a sort of waiting room.
Yeah, that's what it
is, it's a waiting room
for people in no
hurry to get anywhere.
I mean, the good thing is
they're not gonna kills us.
Oh my God!
Oh God!
They're gonna kill us!
Oh my God, no panic,
there's too much excitement!
I'm hallucinating!
- Let me outta here.
- You're not really here.
- You know him?
- No, of course,
that's just a corpse.
- I'm alive.
- He says he's alive!
- He only thinks he's alive!
I said, I'm alive.
- It's a dream, a very
bad realistic dream.
Wake up, Toby, wake up!
Wake up, Toby, wake up!
- Wake up!
Have ya gone nuts?
- That's it.
Of course,
I've gone nuts.
I mean, that
explains everything.
I'm insane, oh thank the lord!
Thank the lord!
- Tell me this is a
hallucination too.
- This is no hallucination.
- What about this?
- Just blanks.
- You mean?
- Did they give you
these bullets to not kill
when you shoot them?
- Fakir put them in your gun.
- I know what blanks are.
- You what?
- You had to be
convinced I was dead.
Gunder wanted me dead.
- Who's Gunder?
- How do I know?
- Your boss.
- Oh, that Gunder.
He didn't know Fakir
was workin' for us.
- Working for?
- Us, TCRS, what is the matter?
- Gunder imports
and sales vodka.
- He agreed to set
a trap for Gunder
in exchange for immunity.
- What is going on here?
- Soon after you left me here,
two Chinese thugs came in
here with three corpses,
so I had to make out for dead.
They poured concrete
all over the corpses.
Of course they had
a little leftover,
and with the recession they
didn't want to put any to waste,
so they used the rest on me.
It hardened pretty quickly,
so I got stuck here for good.
- So that's why you
brought Fakir here.
- You brought Fakir here?
- You wanted to put him into
a concrete filled barrel.
- I don't think
you two have met.
This is Melanie, my wife, Mel.
Funny girl.
- Where is he?
- Uh, he's in the--
- In the car.
- The car.
- I have to talk to him.
- You know that could
be really difficult.
- He's not able to
speak to anybody.
- Why, is he dead?
- No.
Give me Fakir's keys.
- His what?
- Just please, I put it in
your coat, give it to me.
We can't have any
witnesses, give them to me.
- What are you,
what are you doing?
- You know I
just can't do this.
- Bastard must have seen
me coming and split.
- Impossible, he's de--
- Definitely splitting.
- Son of a bitch is
playing both sides.
- Always the slippery one.
- Where did he go?
- Home.
- Why home?
- Because he's a
homely kind of fellow.
- Why would he go home
while we're setting a trap
for Gunder?
- Did I say his home?
- Whose home then?
- Mine.
- Why yours?
- It's obvious.
Okay, because, 'cause,
- Because his wife's there.
- Because his wife's there.
- In a lacy bra and butt floss.
- Dad!
What a break.
The car was waitin' and
just askin' to be jacked.
Hand brakes shot to hell
and left in a rattle
skipping 80 like a devil
on the fourth of July,
but with some tunin' up it
won't make us any poorer.
And to think that we was crappy
like a three-month-old's
- Look, son,
the driver's license.
Toby Childers.
- Dad!
- Sir, your phone.
- Dad, he's a stiff.
- Manners,
Steven, manners.
- He's not answering.
I'll drive ya home.
Fakir left me a car
down by the river.
- You know, actually,
we'd like to take a walk.
It's a beautiful
night, this fresh air.
- It's on the other
side of the city.
- Okay, you know the
traffic can be murder.
But it does lighten
up this time of night.
Chances of me buying
into your no meat tonight
are rapidly slipping away.
- That's the least
of your problems!
- You wait here.
I'm gonna tell
Fakir to come out.
- Fakir!
- Of course you're
welcome to come
in too.
- Where are ya, man?
There's nobody here!
Who is that?
- Yes, who is that?
- Let me introduce myself.
Keating's the name,
Edward Keating,
Hospital Supplies Limited,
and, uh, you are
Tobias Childers,
I presume.
- Okay, we gotta start lockin'
the front door.
- What's going on here?
- Hi,
You look like that
guy from the movies.
- Do I?
Raises testosterone levels,
hell of a kick for every man.
- Okay, you know
what, I am sorry,
but we are not in the
habit of letting solicitors
into our home.
- You see, I was in the
neighborhood and thought I could
interest you.
- We're not
interested, actually.
- In an expired
person in the trunk.
- That's interesting.
- Very interesting.
- Expired what?
- In the trunk of a car
there lies an expired--
- Product, yes, of course,
Mr. Keating, of course.
He's the expired products
sales person that I requested.
- What's going on here?
- Simply put, I'm in the
business of selling a body.
- Body parts for used cars.
- That's one way of saying
it, or you could also say
there is a dead--
- Deadly problem
with my car, I know!
I need to get it fixed.
- But our car was stolen.
- Get out!
By Fakir, I beg you
please don't help.
- Maybe I can help.
I know a thing or two about
keeping a motor running.
- Oh, yes.
You really look like
that guy from the movies.
- Just bigger and better.
- You can't just!
- Oh, yeah.
- Get out of my house!
- Will the amount of
100 thousand dollars
be satisfactory for you?
- For what?
- You know, for the
delivery of the, uh.
- Parts, parts yes!
You know what, sweetie, this
party is getting bigger,
and you, why don't you
take Kamila upstairs
and show her how to make
one of your wonderful
vegan appetizer dishes
in the kitchenette?
- We have no
kitchenette upstairs!
- It is, it's upstairs
next to that other room!
- That is one foxy cat.
- Okay, you know what?
That Fakir's wife.
- Polish chicks dig me.
- You know what,
stay away from her!
You are working undercover!
Get out!
I will just say that extortion
gets you two to
five years or more.
- Homicide gets you 25 or more.
- That was an accident!
- Think of my fee as a
kind of a speeding ticket.
- Okay,
I'm a pacifist!
- Now unfortunately,
I have to insist on
cash, not wire transfer.
- Oh yeah, do you prefer also?
- I put money on you
for keeping cash in the
house, in a safe, perhaps.
- Okay, I am calling the police!
- I wouldn't trouble yourself.
If I fail to receive the
aforementioned remuneration
before midnight, I'll
contact them myself.
They are speeding
ticket experts.
- By midnight!
- Darling?
- What, you ready?
- Who's ready?
- The vegan
appetizer dishes!
- No, you have guest though.
- Well, tell 'em I'm not here!
- They know you're here.
- What, are
they palm readers?
- I'll be right back!
Suck a likable guy!
An old friend, not
really my friend.
So, we have guests?
Oh, Mr. Gunder.
It's a pleasure to see you.
Thanks for driving out here.
Make yourself at home!
- You knocked, sir?
- No.
- Oh, my mistake.
- How'd that get there?
- Would you like something
to drink, gentlemen?
- I'm fine.
- Thank you, no, madame.
- Well, I could use a drink.
- Shut up.
I got one question for you.
Where is Alexei?
- Alexei?
- Where is Alexei Fakir?
- I don't know anything,
I'm just an accountant.
- Please, forgive me if I
intrude, but I was just.
- Help.
- Don't bother, I'll wait.
- I know you invited Fakir
for dinner, he told me.
And his wife, too.
I apologize for all this
knocking you around,
but I'm pretty violent.
That's how I was brought up.
I had a very stern
and cold father.
I have to contact
Fakir, it's important.
I lost the keys to my apartment,
and Al has the spare ones.
I can't get in.
- Fakir has your apartment keys?
- Not so loud!
He was only keeping them for me.
- Really, why?
Oh boy.
I see.
Your secret's safe with me.
- What secret?
- I see nothing, I'm
just an accountant.
- You've
got more guests.
- Tell them I'm not here.
- They
know you're here.
- What are they, palm readers?
- Shut up!
Tell them you have
a business meeting.
- Tell them I have
a business meeting.
- I really think you
should go and see them,
- I really think I should go.
You know what, just,
I'll be back in a second.
- You started?
- No, uh, just a
a little foreplay.
- Oh, my favorite part!
- Oh, no, you should get
the condiments first.
- The kitchen downstairs.
- No, the kitchenette
is upstairs.
- Where's Fakir?
- You know--
- What's Gunder doing here?
- Everything is just gonna be
fine, just get back in there!
May I help you, gentlemen?
- We've got more
information on--
- The shootin' victim.
- You ever seen this man?
- No.
- You sure?
Look and think.
- No, no!
No, okay, I
haven't, and I'm sure,
and I'm, I'm actually mad.
I'm mad as hell
to see the police
breaking citizen's
rights like that.
Okay, I am an accountant,
and I know the law,
and I have a right to have that
right to have that warrant!
So where is it?
- It's being processed.
- As we speak.
- You know what?
Until it is, I suggest that
you just process yourselves
out my front door.
- Your behavior is abso--
- Hey, you know what?
I am a stickler for the law!
- What's with the cops.
This is an investigation
to the TCR.
- Ssh, ssh, ssh, ssh, ssh.
Ssh, ssh.
- The TCRS!
- Ssh, ssh, get in there!
- Damn cops trying
to steal my investigation.
Open this door!
Open this door!
I'm not gonna let 'em do this!
- I found the kitchenette!
- Really?
- Little grapes and stuff.
This music rocks,
we start, okay?
I have a Santa Claus
costume at home, you know?
Well, maybe next time.
We starting?
- Not yet!
How 'bout a shower?
- But I've already
taken a shower.
- We, no, we can never
be too clean, can we?
- Oh, you're back.
- We'll meet there to
finalize the transaction.
See you at midnight, sir.
Oh, go left at the
tree of skulls.
- Tree of skulls?
Please, make yourself at home.
I'm gonna need your help!
- No way!
- What?
- I'm not taking
one more step, Toby,
til you tell me what's going on.
- What's going,
what do you mean?
What's going on?
Okay, if you really wanna know!
But right now I don't
think it's the best time
for you to be satisfying
your woman's curiosity.
Okay, it's easy, I'm
not an accountant.
My profession is killing people.
- What?
- My profession is killing!
- Open this door!
- Killing people.
- What, for money?
- Commission mostly,
but great benefits.
- You're telling me
you're a mobster?
- Do you know how
hard it is to get a job
these days?
- I'm ready.
Does the word recession
mean anything to you?
Unemployment, banks going down,
oil going up!
I was Mr. Gunder's accountant.
I still sometimes
collect the invoices,
do the paperwork, make tax
deductions, but you know what?
To get ahead in
these tough times,
you gotta get in bed with
the competition and say,
I thought I was gonna help
'em with that, you know?
Tax deductions,
loopholes, or somethin'.
Turns out he was talking
about something else.
- Why didn't you tell me?
- Why didn't I tell you?
Why didn't I tell you?
Do you remember that time
we were talking about
having a baby, like last week?
And you said, "I can't
have a baby with you,
"because you would make
a terrible father."
- What's that got to do
with you killing people?
- You remember that time
when you made me go to
that holistic sweat
lodge in Orlando,
and you said I have a long
way to go to becoming a man?
Well, that really
stung by the way.
- So?
- So?
So I didn't want to get
fired from another job
and have you think I was just
some loser accountant, too.
- Wait.
How many people have you killed?
- None.
You know what, there's a
first time for everything.
I gotta be at the
cemetery at midnight.
But I've got a plan.
A, I sneak out without
attracting any attention.
B, I take your car.
C, I go to the cemetery.
D, I calmly pretend to
have the ransom money.
E, I ice the kidnapper.
F, I get Fakir's body back.
G, I give Mr. Gunder
back his keys.
- I knew I could
count on you, boy.
- Thank you, sir.
Which I found in Fakir's pocket.
- And then what?
- And then, well, then I, okay,
no tricky questions, please.
- I wish you'd
think this through.
- Okay, don't worry.
If I was good at anything
when I was a kid,
it was climbing down trees.
What could possibly go wrong?
- He's running away.
- He's running away.
- He is running away.
- Childers!
Childers, open this door!
- Oh, no.
- No panic, no panic.
Left at the tree of skulls.
- Hello?
Is anybody here?
Is anybody here?
- Have you got the money?
- You brought the body?
- Of course I have.
- I have, too.
- Show it to me.
- Show me yours first.
So, where is he?
- I told you to come alone!
- He's just helpin' out.
Such a good child.
Your corpse in
immaculate condition.
- What is this?
- That's the latest
in medical bed, sir.
- Help!
- This is a complete
lack of respect
for the dearly departed.
- On the contrary,
it's very comfortable,
soft, springy, with
cushions under the head,
but at the same
time big and solid.
You could fit four
people on here,
and if you're interested, I
can tell you that right now
it can be purchased for a
fraction of the original cost,
which is--
- What the hell's going on here?
- I told you to stay at my home.
- I told you to come alone.
- I told you not
to drink so much.
- What?
- Are you trying to
screw everything up, huh?
I came here to get Fakir.
- What's he doing
in a graveyard?
- What do people normally
do at a graveyard?
- I ain't got no cat!
- What?
- What?
- You burned all the
cats, no more cats!
- Don't need any cats!
- Cat, cat, ah!
- I can make you a rabbit.
Still good for a
sacrifice, right?
Almost a cat, right?
- A rabbit, I'll
bring you a rabbit!
just don't,
just don't open any more graves!
- Hold him!
- Okay, I'm gonna be
perfectly honest with you.
Do I really have
to spell it out?
he's just, he's
having an affair.
- An affair?
- Yeah, he's quite
the ladies man.
How do you think he
got his nickname?
- Fuh-kir
- Alexei.
- What's Keating doing here?
- Didn't I tell you?
- No.
- Oh, must've slipped my mind.
he's a,
he's a love interest.
- Whose love interest?
- What do you think?
Fakir's love interest.
- Fakir is?
- Do you believe it?
I mean, what's the
world coming to?
- Alexei?
- Oh, you made it.
- Sure I have.
- He said you wouldn't
be able to make it.
- Who said so?
- Al.
- Al.
You're quite
intimate, aren't you?
He'd better well make it!
I didn't take the
oysters with me.
- Oysters?
- Where is he?
- Al!
- And what's with the gurney?
- Oh, that's actually
a custom fit ergonomic
medical bed, which
you won't believe,
but you can have it for a
fraction of its original cost,
which is--
- Who's the man on it?
- There's no man on it.
- Yes, there is.
- It's not a man.
- Who is it then?
- It's, uh, he's, he's a woman.
It's actually, it's
a woman on the bed,
the gurney, the medical bed.
- What's
she doing here?
- Just lying around, I guess.
- Why?
- I can't tell you.
- Damn it, I said why!
- Okay, okay, 'kay, 'kay,
okay, okay, I'm just
g-g-g-getting it.
There, there.
- Well this is nothing
but an old invoice.
It's an old invoice.
- Oh, sorry, sorry.
It's the wrong thing.
- Ah,
your library card.
- I'm sorry, I don't
have any other ideas.
I really am a pacifist.
I think it's time to
start panicking now.
- Sorry, ssh!
It's me!
- Okay, I have seen less
people at Woodstock.
- Don't do anything stupid.
Now give me that gun.
- No, but, I have to--
- You don't have to do anything!
You haven't killed one yet,
and I won't let you do it.
Now give me that gun!
- Ah, you know what?
I need to be more
assertive in this marriage.
- At least once in your life
you could do something for me!
- Al, the organ player's here.
- No, no, no, no, I don't
do organ players any more.
Secretaries and
dentists neither.
We talk about teacher.
- No teachers tonight, tomorrow.
- You've got another
thing tomorrow?
- It's pretty much
the same thing.
- But you're welcome
to stay and watch,
just no interruptions.
- Once in my life,
once, once in my life!
You know, what about
the Sunday vegan dinners
at your parents' that
you made me go to?
- Oh, don't start that again.
I've had it, I've
totally had it!
- That's it!
I've had enough.
- You've had enough,
you know what?
It's me who's had enough, okay?
Do you think I'm havin'
the time of my life?
Do you think I even mildly
enjoy pan roasted tofu
in a hazelnut foam
with an avocado mousse?
- You have a problem
with my cooking?
- Do you have a
problem with yourself?
- I'm having a problem with you!
- You have a problem with me?
You have a problem with me?
- Maybe I can get this part
of me of party last week,
but what I see
here, it just sick!
- There's no understanding!
No empathy, no
care on your part.
- And you know what
else in the bedroom--
- Department, a complete
lack of interest!
- On whose part?
- I have no need to criticize
myself in that area.
- Ah, maybe you should ask my
opinion on that one, mister!
- Mister?
- Yes.
- Okay, listen, lady!
I've been asking your
opinion all my married life
and three years before
that, and I'm tired of it!
Okay, I am gonna tell
you what I think,
and there is a four letter
word to describe you,
and, you know what,
it's called cold!
- Cold!
- C-O-L-D, cold!
- Me, cold?
- Yeah, you're cold,
okay, and don't act like
you don't know what it means.
- You're like that one popsicle
that's been in the freezer
for so long it just
loses all its flavor.
- Oh?
- Maybe you need some
more of that wonderful
marriage counseling
you love so much.
- You know what, I thought
that might be beneficial!
You know that it might
actually help us.
- So we wouldn't need to
spend our nights jumping
from one devastated
marriage to another
eating caramelized Spanish
flies, ginger juice,
and strawberries.
- And don't act like
you weren't into it,
you and your
copious note taking.
- Oh, I wasn't taking notes.
I was actually thinking
up new recipes.
I was pretending
to be interested.
I agreed to do it for
you, I didn't need it.
- That's funny.
That's so funny.
- It's not funny anymore.
- No, it's hilarious.
- Look at me, I'm
normal, healthy woman.
A loving--
- And supporting wife, I
don't understand how you can--
- Treat me the way you do.
- I treat you with respect!
- I don't want respect, Toby,
I'm a woman for God sake!
I want--
- Romance?
- Why not, among other things.
- Ah, yeah?
Is that what you were
cookin' up with that chap
with the fake English accent
and the blinding
white false teeth?
- How could you
even tell me that
at that alien invasion party,
Princess Leia in bikini could
tear your own murder me dress
like Scarlett Johansson, huh?
And this grin granny
was hitting on you.
- He was just a
cooking class friend.
- Oh, yeah, what kind of guy
with any sense of manliness
attends a cooking class?
Okay, you know what, I saw
how you were staring at him
all night, laughing at
his ridiculous jokes.
- I was, because yours
really aren't funny, Toby.
- Oh, actually mine
are killingly funny.
I'm a funny American guy!
- Okay, make me laugh.
Tell me a joke for
once in your life.
- So,
you know, don't change
the subject on me!
- And tonight you wanted
to leave me all alone
back at that accountant's
and got everyone
to come over here secretly.
Don't deny it.
I got your secret letter.
Cemetery at midnight.
It's all here.
The party's over.
Go home.
How old are you, anyway?
You should be
cramming for exams,
not looking for a bit of--
- But this is for school.
The Shakespeare
National Contest.
- Heard about it?
Starts tomorrow.
- We're practicing in the
cemetery to soak up the ambiance.
- Shakespeare was all
about blood and guts.
- Who the hell are you?
- I'm Hecate.
- I'm the witch.
- I'm Macbeth.
- I'm King Duncan.
- Please, ma'am,
don't send us home.
- Yes, please.
- This is really important.
- Oh, please.
- Please.
- Come on, pretty please.
- Please, please.
- Please, please.
- Please don't send us home.
It starts tomorrow.
- Please.
- We really need to
practice, please.
- Please.
- Do you even remember the
last time you kissed me?
- Oh, it's really hard to
kiss a walking set of binders,
sharpened pencils,
and chronologically arranged invoices
all rolled into one!
- That might be the cruelest
thing you've ever said to me.
You know, I am done
with this conversation.
- I'm just starting!
- Women, okay, whoever
invented women?
If that's even his real name.
Is it really that bad
that I'm organized?
That, you know, I
like to keep my shoes
in a neat little row,
or that I like to color
coordinate my socks?
Or that maybe I just prefer
the original number
two sharpened pencils?
- All right, that's enough.
Where's the money?
- Where's my car?
- I beg your pardon?
- Yeah, you stole
my body and my car.
Okay, the body's right
here, so where's my car?
- We take the car as a bonus!
- What are you, nuts?
I need that car.
I use that car every
day to go to work.
You know what, if I don't get
that car, in this traffic,
it could be murder.
- Are you attemptin'
to be humorous?
I thought you were
a serious client.
I'm cancellin' the transaction.
Son, take the expired
persona and go!
We'll deliver the
unfortunate cadaver
to the proper authorities
with your documents.
- You killed him!
- You actually killed him?
- You whacked Dad!
- Toby!
- Gimme that,
give, give, give it!
- Veronica!
Wake the parson!
- Get lost, Eddie,
there is no wine left.
The reverend had guests.
- Do your best to wake him up.
The satanists are back!
- Oh, shit.
- You ruined the tree of skulls!
- The cemetery
is surrounded.
Everybody stay where you are.
Police orders.
Nobody move!
- This way, this
way, over here, over here!
- I said move, move,
get out of the way, man!
- Come on, go, go, go!
- Do not move!
- The fuzz, here!
Oh God!
- Hey, hey, get back here!
- Move!
- Here's another one!
- Don't move, in the hat!
Get your hands up.
- Show me your hands!
Now, your hands!
- This way, this way.
- Sonia!
- Keep it
moving, keep it moving.
- Devil worshipers,
we got 'em all over New York
these days.
- Don't look
them in the eyes!
- Look, man,
it's just Shakespeare.
You know, he wrote
poems and stuff.
- Oi, stop, I see you!
- The gun!
- I said, I see you.
- The gun!
- What?
- Fakir's gun, where is it?
- Yes, you.
- Get rid of it.
Get rid of it!
- You're surrounded.
- Oh, no, I forgot to
wipe the prints off of it!
- Police!
Get down, hands up!
- No!
Cut it out, ma'am.
Or I will handcuff you,
and you're not gonna like it!
- Oh, yes, she will!
Don't reach into your pockets!
- Go, go.
- Janet,
what's the status?
- Well, well, well.
- Clear!
- What a surprise.
- Who have we here?
- All right, nobody move!
- What?
- And I'm taking back
this investigation.
- The dead guy.
- What's the idea
showin' up alive?
- That's a good question.
How can I show up alive
when this Miraslav
Gunder, nickname Gunder,
sentenced me to death yesterday
by ordering one of his
thugs to shoot me dead.
- Yeah, how?
- Well, I guess I'm
just another victim
of the merciless Polish
vodka trade industry.
According to our statistics
96 lives were lost in
the last two years.
79 of those lives at the
hand of that man Gunder!
- Can you prove this?
- No, but I can
prove something else
from the very accounting
records of Mr. Gunder,
who specializes
bringing to America
the world famous Polish vodka,
- Wait a minute.
Who did you say you are?
- Who did you say you are sir?
- TCR what?
- Hell if I know.
- Feds, maybe?
- Tax Consultancy
Reconciliation Services Limited.
- Ah.
- Last year,
Mr. Gunder purchased 22,500
bottles of Sokolova Gold
premium label, of which 21,300
bottles were distributed
at a price of $36.
16,154 bottles were sold.
That makes a grand
total of $581,544.
He only paid $28,226
in excise tax,
instead of the $40,708
that was required.
- Which means Gunder
did not pay excise tax
on 4,953 bottles of Sokolova.
That being said, gentlemen,
I order you in the name
of TCRS to arrest that man
for tax fraud against the
United States of America
in the amount of $12,482.
- Damn.
- 12,000?
- Not bad.
- That's how they got Capone.
- Wa-Wait a second.
I'm sure my accountant will
be able explain everything.
- Me?
- What did I hire you for?
- Well, to be perfectly
honest you actually hired me--
- Get to it!
- Okay, okay.
- You know I'm not
good with numbers.
- But I am, Gunder.
I've checked it all out.
You're finished.
- Did you check article 43.16
of the Goods and
Services Tax Act?
- Excuse me?
- For donations for
nonprofit organizations.
- Oh, that's got
nothing to do with it.
- Actually it does, 'cause
you're claim ignores the fact
that 4,953 bottles of Sokolova
were donated by Mr. Gunder
to several nonprofit
including, uh, two
police stations.
- Oh, I remember that.
- One US Customs
Enforcement Agency,
the mayor's office.
- Yeah.
- One Polish bathhouse,
and an undisclosed
clinic that Mr. Gunder
was operated on for a
severe case of hemorrhoids.
- That's irrelevant.
Donations are not
exempt from tax
according to article five
of the US taxation code.
- You're right.
- In the name of
TCRS, I order you--
- But did you check article
10 of that same code?
In the case of donations,
the taxable base
is actually the price
of the given goods
that are bought and not sold,
and, therefore, since
every bottle of Sokolova
wholesales for $23
that would be, uh,
for 4,953 bottles.
You carry the one,
$113,919, and of course if
you add the 7% excise tax
that would make it, uh,
and 33 cents.
And this exact amount was
paid in full April 22nd
as is in line with this
attached documentation.
- Impossible.
That's impossible!
- Okay, it's, it's
actually quite possible
and very, very,
very accountable.
- I knew I could
count on you, boy.
- He's innocent, I guess.
- Thank you, sir.
- Am I free to go, officers?
- Boss, I think
you're free to go.
Back to playing with the bodies.
- Playing with the bodies?
- Yeah, it's just Mr. Gunder's
secret private initiative.
It's purely
entertainment purposes.
No one gets hurt.
- What's the idea now?
- Sir, this is a free country.
Everybody has the right
to spend their nights
they way they want to.
- Unless other participants
aren't willin' and able.
- You got that right.
- I don't know what,
what he's talking about.
- Okay, please, officers,
he just tells me
it's just an innocent
graveyard party.
- Don't listen to him.
He's just stupid accountant.
I'm a businessman.
- No, he's not!
I saw him digging up graves.
- Really?
- Did he say graves?
- Yeah, yeah, of course.
You have to dig up the bodies
before you can
dress up the bodies.
- Engaging corpses
in night games
of a highly dubious nature.
- Especially in a cemetery.
- Is illegal in this country.
Hands behind your back.
- Watch it!
- He's got a gun
- He's got a gun!
- Drop the gun now!
- Freeze!
- Man down!
- Run away, run away!
Out of the jaws of hell!
- Freeze!
- Heading
northeast on foot.
- Stop, stop right now!
Drop the gun, Gunder!
I will shoot!
- Let's do it,
guys, go, go, go, go!
Come on, come on!
- You're under arrest!
You have the right
to remain silent.
Anything you say or do can
and will be used against you
in the court of law.
- Somebody call the ambulance!
- You have the right
to an attorney.
If you cannot afford one,
the state will
provide one for you.
Do you understand these rights?
- We need a medic.
- Do you?
- Yes!
- Toby.
- Poor bastard.
- No.
Don't ever do that to me again.
- I don't really plan to.
Gentlemen, save him!
He saved my life!
He shielded me with his body!
- Who?
- Fakir!
- Who's Fakir?
- Alexei Fakir.
- Let's go, keep it movin'.
- Oh, yeah.
- Move it.
- He's dead?
Like, real dead, cold-stone,
- Well, I'm no expert,
but he looks pretty
dead to me, lady.
- I did nothing.
I even wired my
tax deceleration.
- I told you
Shakespeare's bad luck.
My brother flunked English
when they asked him
about that depressed Danish guy.
- Shut up.
- So his villa is mine?
And the apartment in St. Bart?
And the ranch in Wyoming?
- Hey, you got a pack
of smokes there, Charlie?
- Hey, wait for me!
- Congratulations, never
thought I'd meet an accountant
with such brains.
How'd you like a nice, comfy,
well-paid job with TCRS?
- I'm fine with that.
As long as you will
work as an accountant
and not a hitman.
- It's a promise.
- All right then.
Call you tomorrow.
Merry Christmas.
- Cowards die many
times before their death.
The valiant never taste
of death but once.
- Go on, shut
that Shakespeare!
- So, about our conversation?
- That's for all the lies.
And that's for not dying on me.
- Sorry to disturb.
- Ah!
I thought you were--
- Dead!
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I should be.
Gunder shot me.
- Oh.
Luckily he missed.
- No, he didn't.
Got me straight in the kisser.
Weird, isn't it?
The gun had blanks in it.
- Ah.
- Now how could Gunder have
killed Fakir with blanks?
- I don't really know.
I really don't know
about these things,
'cause I'm an
accountant, you know?
You know what I think is
there's probably a big promotion
in it for you, you know,
for putting away Gunder.
Oh no!
You know what, it'd be
a shame to waste it!
It really would.
Really would.
- Just pray that the gun
which really shot Fakir
won't be found.
- Shootin' angels.
What'll they come up with next?
One little taste
and then I might
Follow you to heaven
One little taste
and you're my tiger
You got me burning
Now I'm gonna let you show me
Everything you want from me
'Cause you're my tiger
Yeah, you're the tiger I need
One little taste
can take me where
I'm falling into heaven
One little taste
and you're my tiger
You got me yearning
Never have I felt
a love like this
Now I linger for your touch
'Cause you're my tiger
Yeah, you're the tiger I need
All you have to
do is lead me there
And I'll go all the way
It won't take much
just a little touch
I'm ready now to play
One little taste
One little rush
Just a little bit of heaven
One little taste
is not too much
To keep me burning up
Take my hand and lead me there
Some place I have never known
'Cause you're my tiger
Yeah, you're the tiger I need
Oh, yeah
You just have to take me there
I love tonight, tiger
Yeah, you're my tiger
You're the tiger I need
I want you
Oh, yeah
You're the tiger I need