Nobody's Perfekt (1981) Movie Script

How do you want
your egg done?
How 'bout your bran muffin?
You want it toasted?
WOMAN: Hurry up!
All right, all right,
just cool it.
Hey, come on.
Come on, let's go. Let's go.
Are you okay, buddy?
I'm fine. I'm just fine.
Yeah, well, then would you mind
gettin' this piece of junk out of here?
I'd like to, really,
I would like to, but...
I've forgotten
how to drive.
You forgot?
Well, you see,
I have this lousy memory.
It's gonna come back to me
any second.
Well, maybe
I can help you refresh it.
You see that peddle
down there?
You mean the foot rest thing?
Right, right,
that's called a brake.
Brake. That's right.
That's the brake.
If you take your shoe
off the big foot rest
and put it on
the little foot rest
the car will go.
Well, I'll try.
WOMAN: Watch it!
MAN: Damn fool!
- I'm sorry, Charlie.
- Hmm.
Happened again this morning.
So I see.
I'm glad Mom wasn't here.
She's inside, huh?
Oh, here she is now.
Watch the bottom step, Mom.
Good morning, Mrs. Swaboda.
There we go.
Buckle up.
Mom have a good night,
last night?
Well, why don't you ask her?
Everything okay today, Mrs. S?
Oh, she's fine.
Sure you don't want me to drive?
Something wrong
with my driving?
Well, now and then.
Come on, Charlie.
Put it into drive.
- And...
Away we go.
Well, Walter's late.
I don't mind if he's late
as long as he's himself.
Here he comes.
He's Rocky.
No, he's himself.
He's just wearing Rocky's clothes.
Look, can you fellas wait
while I change?
When I was getting dressed this morning,
Rocky took me over.
You look fine, Walter.
Get in.
SWABODA: Would you mind
going in the other side?
Mrs. Swaboda's with us today.
Oh, of course.
Of course.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Swaboda.
I didn't see you.
It's my fault, uh, we're late
this morning, Walter.
Forgot something.
- Good morning, Miss West.
- Good morning, Dr. Segal.
Good morning.
This is Dr. Carson.
He'll be with us all day today.
- Hello.
- In here, in here.
Well, we start.
Uh, Miss West,
whom have we got today?
Mr. Dibley, Mr. Swaboda,
and Mr. Berry.
Oh, fine, fine.
Send in Mr. Dibley... Dibley.
Unusual, amazing case.
Recurring amnesia.
Good morning, Dr. Segal.
Sit down, huh?
Hello there.
Bruce Dibley.
Dr. Carson.
You don't mind
if Dr. Carson sits in, huh?
- No not at all.
- Oh, good.
Now, tell me...
how has your memory been?
Well, I had a little bit
of a lapse this morning,
but on the whole I would say
that it's improving.
Hello there.
Bruce Dibley.
Nice to meet you, again.
let me hear what I gave you
to memorize.
Start me off.
- To be...
- To be or not to...
To be or not to...
Right. Thank you.
To be or not to be.
Ah, never mind,
that was a hard one.
Now, let me hear the poem.
You gave me a poem
to memorize?
The sea below...
The sea below,
The stars above.
The sea below,
The stars above.
What a night
To be in...
How come you know all these lines?
Let's try that again, hmm?
The sea below,
The stars above.
What a night
To be or not to be?
- Thanks, Doctor.
- You're welcome.
- Have a good session, Charlie.
- Thank you.
This patient is
one for the books.
It's the worst case of parental
fixation I have ever seen.
He never goes anywhere
without his mother.
I see. The mother is strict,
opinionated, domineering, correct?
I don't know,
I never met her.
Hello, Dr. Segal.
DR. SEGAL: Good morning, Swaboda.
Good morning, good morning.
Uh, Swaboda,
this is Dr. Carson.
Hello, Dr. Carson.
DR. SEGAL: He would like
to ask you a few questions.
Is your mother with you today?
Yes, she's in waiting room.
Why don't we bring her in?
Could you ask Mrs. Swaboda
to come in, please?
I don't think
I can do that, Doctor.
Well, then I'll just come
get her myself.
Uh, Do-- D--
Nice to see you, Mrs. Swaboda.
You have a good
session, Charlie?
Yes, but Mom hates
the new doctor.
Are you ready for
Mr. Berry, Dr. Segal?
Yeah, just give me 60 seconds.
And now, Doctor, we have
something completely different.
A double schizoid.
Two distinct personalities
that take over the patient
without warning.
One calls himself Rocky...
an extremely
belligerent person...
a type who sees himself
as a gangster,
modeled after Jimmy Cagney.
Ah, yes.
And the other
personality is, of course,
the exact opposite
of Cagney--
correct and well-spoken--
Adolphe Menjou, perhaps.
Bette Davis.
It's a woman?
Her name is Kitty.
Do you have any theories?
The patient was born
in the front row of the Roxy theater
during a double bill.
TODO:Dr. Segal?
Uh, yeah. Walter, come.
Come, come, sit down.
This is Dr. Carson.
He would like to speak to you
for a while, huh?
Fine. Well...
Tell me,
does Rocky always choose
the wardrobe?
No. Uh, sometimes Kitty,
sometimes me, it's
really a case of first up,
best dressed.
And, uh, are Rocky
and Kitty friends?
No way.
No, they hate each other,
and-and I can't stand
either of them. [CHUCKLES]
We are not what you would call
one big, happy family.
I see.
Well, for one thing, uh,
Rocky's always getting into fights.
Look at that.
- And as for Kitty--
- What does she do?
[COUGHING] Excuse me.
Smokes like a chimney.
And you have no warning,
when they're coming on.
Gosh, no.
I'm usually the last one to know.
A-A-A-And different things seem
to bring them on at different times.
Would Rocky mind if I smoked?
Yes. Yes.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. I'd mind.
I'd mind plenty.
But if you want a cigarette,
then you, you have...
Want some more?
Take it easy, Doc.
That was Rocky.
- So I gathered...
I trust he left me
one cigarette.
Will you look at these
ridiculous clothes?
I look like Judy Garland.
You're new?
I wish somebody would tell
that cheap hoodlum out there...
I'm sick and tired
of his constant brawling.
Do you hear?
Sick, sick, sick.
You have a kind face.
So how was
your session, Walter?
How was yours?
Not bad. You know,
that Dr. Segal's a nice guy,
but he wants me to take one of those
what-do-you-call-them courses.
Memory course.
Yeah, memory course.
You know I might not have total recall,
but I don't think I need a...
- What do you call it?
- Memory course.
Yeah mem-- You know, you don't have
to repeat yourself, Charlie.
I'm sorry, Charlie.
Thanks, Dibley.
So long, Charlie.
Yeah, we'll see you
Thursday, Walter.
See you, Walter.
Goodbye, Mrs. Swaboda.
Morning, Ben.
Rocky was first up, huh?
Are you Rocky?
- Oh, not at the moment.
- Pardon?
Well, he's--
he's not around right now,
but I can help you.
Is it about a tour?
When I called up
I spoke to Rocky.
He said he was
the Hollywood specialist
and I shouldn't talk
to anybody else here.
Uh, but I can set
the whole thing up for you...
hotels, studio tours,
TV tickets.
Well, I'll just
check back later.
But wait, I haven't...
- Oh, good morning.
- Is Kitty in?
No, she hasn't shown up yet.
Well, when is she due?
It's anybody's guess.
But if it's about a trip
to Hollywood, I can help you.
No, I spoke to Kitty
on the phone
and he said
she was the expert
and I shouldn't deal
with anyone else.
Well, she would say that.
But I have all the facts
for you right here.
No, I'll-I'll--
I'll drop in again.
But wait, uh...
We have two new
clients today, Mom.
We'll share them, okay?
- Mr. Swaboda?
- Yes.
- We're the McNultys.
- Oh, come in, come in.
Just step this way, please.
My mother will see you.
Mr. and Mrs. McNulty.
Mr. and Mrs. Freeman?
- That's right.
- Mr. Freeman?
- Co-Come right in.
- Okay.
Well, obviously you're here
because the matrimonial path has...
- become a little shaky, correct?
- MRS. FREEMAN: Shaky?
On the Richter Scale
it'd be a nine.
Uh, what seems
to be the problem?
You're looking at it.
He comes home drunk
and beats up on me.
He comes home sober
and beats up on me.
His bookie get's
his paycheck...
and when he's not out
with the boys all night,
he's out with the girls
all night.
He swears at my mother.
I ain't had a new dress
in ten years.
And if I cook him
something he don't like,
he throws it at my face.
Uh, I'd like to hear
your side of it, Mr. Freeman.
That is my side of it.
So, Mr. Swaboda,
what do you think?
Can this marriage be saved?
Frankly, I don't see how.
Oh, thank God.
What are we doing here, John?
I love you.
- You know, it was all my fault.
- No, no. It was mine.
I was a crazy fool.
I can't thank you enough.
- You made two people very happy.
That's what we're here for.
Well, Mom, you did it again.
- Morning, Bruce.
- Hi, Lorry. Hi.
- Oof! Ah!
- Good morning.
- Mr. Peters.
- Dibley.
How was the clinic?
Tie me up, will you?
- I've gotta go earn some money.
Concentrate, will you?
I love having you work here...
But I don't want you
to lose the job.
Carol, when was
the last time I lost a job?
Day before yesterday.
Oh, yeah.
Look, honey,
I'm gonna go out there today
and I'm gonna break every sales
record they have in this place.
All right.
WOMAN: How about
a chafing dish?
- I mean, that's what they said they wanted.
- MAN: Chafing dish?
What is a chafing dish?
Madam, good day.
Could I have your attention a second?
Sir! Sir, how about you?
Could I have your attention
just for a second?
- No. Huh?
- Come on. Come over here.
I'm gonna show you somethin'
you're not gonna believe.
Do you pay big cleaning bills?
I bet you do.
Would you like to get out from under?
I bet you would.
Well, watch me. Come on everybody.
Gather around here for just one second.
Come on. I'm gonna show you
something you will not believe.
I am going to show you...
the Mac Beth spot remover.
It'll save you a fortune
and it works
just like a charm.
Sir, I'm gonna ask you
to do me a big favor.
I don't know you, do I?
I'm gonna ask you
to loan me your jacket.
You have my personal word of honor
that I'm gonna give it back to you
just the way
you give it to me.
He's a sport.
How about a nice round of applause?
Thanks a lot, okay?
You look like a busy
business executive to me.
Let's say you're having breakfast.
What happens?
Some sloppy waitress-- we've all
had those sloppy waitresses, huh?
She gets scrambled eggs
all over your jacket.
Don't worry now.
I don't want you to worry.
What happens at lunch?
Some clown jogs your elbow...
and your bloody mary...
all over the place.
Now you're walking back to work,
you got things on your mind,
what happens?
Some guy eating an ice cream cone runs
right into you and gets...
chocolate syrup
all over the jacket.
Is your luck any better
at the office? No.
Because your secretary gets
a little too friendly...
all over...
your beautiful jacket.
Now, ladies and gentleman...
this is what I call
a class A stain.
Look at that stain.
A dry cleaner
would charge you at least...
seven dollars to get this out.
But you don't have to go
to a dry cleaner, right, sir?
What are you gonna use instead?
Mac Beth spot remover.
Mac Beth spot remover.
What am I supposed to do
with this?
Get the stain
out of my jacket!
If I were you,
I'd sent it to the dry cleaner.
But that'll cost me
seven bucks.
That's outrageous, isn't it?
Just a minute.
You get that stain out.
What kind of stain is this?
Eggs, bloody mary,
ice cream, and lipstick.
What kind of work do you do?
Give it to me.
I'll do it.
MAN: Look at that.
Look at that.
- MAN: Wow.
- MAN 2: Looks like it's--
Let me see that.
Wow, that's amazing!
Anybody know
where I can get this stuff?
So, how was your session,
Oh, I don't know. That Dr. Segal's
gettin' to be really a snob.
Today he ignored Mom completely.
He's gettin' to be
pretty rude, too.
You know what he said to me
when I went in for my session?
"Good morning, all."
Uh-oh, that looks like there's
an accident up there.
- Why don't we turn off here?
- Don't look, Mom.
Anyone know
where this goes to?
I think 3rd Street.
MAN: Hey, Grandpa,
wanna change your luck?
Tough neighborhood.
Look, we're looking
for Brisbane Boulevard.
Can you help us out?
- Sure, we can help you out.
I'm just looking for Bris--
Hey, Goodyear blimp,
come on, let's see how you fly.
Come on, gang leader,
you look good back there.
Let's see what you look like
out here. Come on.
Stay in the car, Mom.
What are you doing?
Is R--
Is Rocky around, Robert?
Hey, man,
you ain't got frijoles here.
Don't cuss
in front of my mom.
This is your mother?
Coward, pushing a woman.
How dare you?
- This is your mother, huh?
- Ah, loco.
Two stinking dollars, huh?
You're gonna have to do
a little bit better than that.
Sorry, that's all I have.
Now you listen, punk.
You get outta here...
or I'll put your head
in that door,
and break your nose... off.
Yeah, and if you don't
give us our wallets back,
we're going to call the, uh...
We'll call the...
- Police.
- ...police, yeah.
All right, give us the wallets.
And where's Mother's purse?
All right, now, scram!
All o' ya!
Come on, Walter!
Wally, Wally, get in.
Excuse me, Mrs. Swaboda.
Nice timing, Rocky.
Oh, he's gone again.
Well, we're lucky
he showed up.
That kid was lucky.
- Kitty would have scratched his eyes out.
- Yeah.
What a rude bunch.
Everybody okay?
- WALTER: Yeah.
- SWABODA: Yeah.
It wasn't Dibley's fault, Mom.
The car looks funny.
Boy! It sure does.
What the hell happened?
Well, would you look at that?
The Grand Canyon.
That's a very big hole.
Twenty-five dollars?
That's not bad at all.
How long will it take?
Just like that.
Can y-- Can you fix it
while we wait, sir?
Fix it?
No, I mean,
I'll take it of your hands
for $25.
Just a minute. How much is it going
to cost to get this car running again?
Buddy, I couldn't get that thing to crawl
for less than a thousand dollars.
A thousand dollars?!
This car only cost us 650.
What can I tell you?
You totaled it.
No, we didn't total it.
- The city totaled it.
- Yeah, the city.
Their pothole.
Well, go fight city hall.
WOMAN: Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Uh-huh.
Harriet can wear blue,
but she just don't look good in green.
Miss, excuse me.
My garbage hasn't been
picked up in two weeks.
Window four.
- Green just ain't her color.
- I have an alligator in my toilet.
Window four.
- She should stay with blue. You know what I mean?
- Potholes!
Window number four.
Excuse me, I'm very sorry.
- You were saying.
- I said, Harriet don't wear green.
WOMAN: But that girl's got
a mind like a mule.
Excuse us, lady, excuse us.
Can we see someone in charge?
Help you?
Yes, you can help us.
You can buy us a new car.
We just hit a pothole as big
as a strip mine.
Well, have you previously
notified this office in writing
of the exact location
of the alleged pavement deterioration?
- Previously? Of course not.
- We didn't know we were going to hit it.
Hey, what do you think we are,
mind readers or something'?
I'm sorry, but no claim
can be considered
unless a complaint has been
lodged prior to any damage done.
That's ridiculous.
That's the law.
- WOMAN: Dibley?
- Hmm?
- Hi.
- I just got home, too.
What did you do today?
- Huh?
- Root beer?
Oh, yeah, thanks.
What's wrong?
They killed our car.
- Who did?
- The city.
We hit a pothole.
The car was totaled.
Was anybody hurt?
Swaboda says
his mother's got whiplash.
Good luck with that one
in court.
I'll tell you something.
Mrs. Swaboda's got
a better shot in court
than we do.
We can't sue the city.
Listen to this, Carol.
We can't sue the city
because we didn't previously
complain about the pot hole
that we just hit.
That's ridiculous.
That's the law.
Oh, well,
you know,
it was an old car
and it was getting
kind of smelly.
But we need that car
to go to the clinic.
And more than that,
it's the principle of the thing.
If we wrecked a car that belonged
to the city, we'd get arrested...
but when they wreck ours,
it's, "Go away, kid, you bother me."
That's not fair.
Is it, Carol?
No, it isn't.
But what're you gonna do?
All day long at the store
I missed you.
It was long, long day.
Shall we have dinner
before or after?
Before or after what?
The ironing.
Move forward, darling.
- Yes. Now, move backwards.
- Now move forward again.
DIBLEY: Oh, yes.
It's all coming
back to me now.
Why do you always want
to watch television afterwards?
'Cause it's not right
to watch during.
Oh, I love it when you talk dirty.
Oh, is there a good movie on?
There's one on Channel 6
about the Japanese navy
capturing Wake Island in 1941.
Oh, I love stuff like that.
Just what we need,
a naval bombardment.
You're right!
That's just what we need!
To make the city buy us
a new car.
You and the Japanese navy?
We don't need them.
We can do this ourselves.
Sorry, Mom, they're out of Sanka.
Just put a little cream in it.
Uh, is anyone
using that chair?
Of course.
- Walter's late.
- MAN: Let me cross, please!
- I think that's him now.
- MAN 2: Oh!
- MAN: Get out of the street, ya dumb broad!
Yeah, and you, too, buddy!
MAN 2:
Now I think I've seen it all.
MAN 3: That's gotta be
the hairiest legs ever.
Sorry, fellas.
- DIBLEY: Good morning.
- SWABODA: Good morning, Walter.
Uh, Walter...
Good morning, Mrs. Swaboda.
May I?
- Kitty got up first this morning, huh?
- Uh, she didn't go to bed.
She was at a party all night.
I don't have any aspirin.
Ah, maybe Kitty has some.
Okay, guys. I'll tell you
why I've called this meeting.
The city destroyed our car
and we're supposed to just
shrug it off and forget about it
because of some
insane law, right?
Well, that's not
good enough for me.
- Not for me.
- It stinks.
The facts are plain
and simple.
Our car costs 650,
the city owes us 650.
But they don't want to pay,
so, what are we gonna do?
We only have one alternative.
We have to take the money...
from the city.
Well, how do you take money
from the city?
Walter, I'm glad
you asked me that question.
What was the question?
How do you take money
from the city?
Good question, Charlie.
We have get
ahold of the, uh...
the guy that runs the city,
the, uh...
- man in charge, the, uh...
- The mayor!
Right! Mayor.
But the mayor's always
surrounded by people.
He's got policemen, firemen,
newspaper people.
We'll never get
close to him.
We don't have to get close.
We can threaten him
with naval bombardment.
- You've gotta be joking.
You don't like it?
[SCOFFING] I think it's the most
ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
Well, sure,
it's a little ridiculous
but that's just why it'll work.
It's new, it's different.
Oh, it's different, all right.
Don't you guys realize what you're
talking about is armed robbery?
- Armed robbery?
- Wait a minute. They owe us money.
not to mention extortion.
- The city wrecked our car.
- Yeah.
I know they did
but you still can't do this.
You'll be criminals.
- Criminals?
- Criminals?
You really think so?
Th-- We-- They're not--
We're not criminals, Carol.
- They're the ones that are criminals.
- Right, exactly.
are you in this, too?
Does your mother know?
She wi-- She's behind us
one hundred percent, Carol.
- And what about you, Walter?
- Oh, I'm all for it.
- Your minds are made up?
- WALTER: Yes.
- DIBLEY: Yes, absolutely.
- There's no way that I can
- talk you guys out of it?
- MEN: No way.
Forget it. Don't try.
- Okay, count me in.
- Hey!
- All right!
- That's great!
- I wasn't gonna do it if you weren't.
- Carol,
you'll never regret this.
This is gonna be the biggest
thing that's ever happened.
- Wait a minute, wait a minute!
- I told ya she'd go along with it.
- Wait a minute.
- Didn't I tell you she'd go along with it?
- Dibley?
- What?
The only reason I'm in on this is
so that I can have some control.
What you mean, "control"?
I mean that if things
start looking dangerous,
I have the right
to call the whole thing off.
It's not dangerous.
CAROL: Come on!
where do we start?
First we gotta get the cannon.
From Sears?
Oh, that's not funny, Carol.
We get the cannon
from the Dade County Armory.
To get into an armory,
you have to be a soldier.
This is a surprise
barracks inspection. Recruits...
Hubba hubba!
Hey, what do you think?
- That's great!
- Terrific.
Well, you look cute,
but who are you supposed to be?
Well, who does it look like?
I'm Miami's most decorated soldier.
Now, I'm gonna tell them
that the National Guard is
having a recruiting drive,
and we need a cannon for publicity.
- That'll never work.
Oh, yes. It will, Carol.
You just wait.
When you see me next time,
it's gonna be...
mission accomplished.
About face!
Oh, my God!
I've been drafted.
Oh, no. Not now.
Believe me,
it always happens at the worst time.
Squadron, halt!
Parade rest!
- You look nice, Charlie.
- Not bad.
- A-1.
- Yeah.
Mom, how's that
WAC uniform fit?
So, where will it be, Sarge?
A dog track, a bar, a massage parlor?
- Uh, Dade County Armory, please.
- [CHUCKLING] That's good, too.
Here you are.
Buy yourself a new cigar.
- Downtown you seemed different.
- Oh, yeah?
Well, travel is
very broadening.
Yeah, hold it, Clyde.
I'm looking for the old man.
First office on the left.
Here you are...
for your trouble.
The boss around, kid?
May I tell him who's here?
Yeah, General MacArthur.
Uh, yes, sir.
Right this way, sir, uh...
- you can wait in the colonel's office.
- All right.
Come in, come in.
- Colonel Jason?
- Yeah.
There's someone in your office
who says he's a general.
A general?
- Here?
- Yes, sir.
He's wearing
about two pounds of medals.
Take over here, Sparks.
A general.
Uh, General?
Hello, soldier.
Didn't we meet
at the Stage Door Canteen?
Aw, come on, fellas.
Don't feel bad. Y--
You gave it your best shot.
Look, I'm gonna grab this bus.
Watch your step, Mom.
Come on, Mom.
Cheer up, Dibley.
Hey, come on.
Let's go eat, okay?
We could go Italian.
You know, all the pasta...
We'll open
that bottle of wine, hmm?
You know pasta turns you on.
Go back to the house,
cook, put on a little music...
A tank!
- Come on, Carol!
- Dibley, are you crazy?
- Wait!
No! What-- What, wh--
- DIBLEY: Follow that tank!
- DRIVER: Which tank?
The green one.
MAN: All right.
MAN: That's it!
We hit the jackpot.
Look at all those cannons.
They'll never miss one.
Forget it.
There are too many people.
Look at all the armed guards,
and what about this fence here?
Oh, come on, Dibley,
let's go home, please?
Wonder what time
they break for lunch.
Beats me.
Okay, ya got anything hot?
Didn't you say something
about an Italian lunch?
Oh, come on, no.
I can't eat that stuff.
It gives me gas.
MAN: Hey, get me one
of those oatmeal cookies.
Is the coffee any good today?
- When was it?
- It's never any good.
You know something?
I got to compliment you.
We were watching you on our lunch hour.
You swing a mighty mean crane.
- Ah, thank you very much.
- Hi.
- Would you like a hot dog?
- Uh, no.
- Come on, we had two already. Go ahead.
- Okay.
- Feel free.
- Thank you very much.
Could I talk to you
in private
- for a second, Mr., uh...?
- Yeah.
Uh, Kendall.
Randall Kendall.
Randall Kendall.
That's a good, solid American name.
Do I look like a regular
guy to you, Mr. Kendall?
- Sure.
- I'm not.
I work for a secret agency
of the United States government.
You mean,
like the, uh, CIA or somethin'?
No, sir.
We're so secret
we don't even have any initials.
Sir, these arms you're loading,
do you know where they're going?
Uh, they don't give me
that information, sir.
They're going
to the Soviet Union.
- Russkies are getting these--?
- Shh!
The company
you're working for is
secretly supplying arms
to the Soviet Union.
- That's treason!
- That's right, sir,
this is gonna be bigger
than Watergate, and you,
Mr. Randall Kendall, are gonna
help us break it wide open.
Well, what can I
possibly do, sir?
We need hard evidence.
We need one of those cannons.
Right! That's what we need.
That's right.
Where can I get ahold of you, sir?
- I'll give you my number.
- That's good.
Write it down, Mr. Kendall.
You're a patriotic American.
- I'm gonna be calling you tonight.
- Okay. Uh, what's-what's your name?
What is...
I get it.
Your name is a secret, too.
Don't worry,
I'll recognize your voice.
God bless you, sir.
Let's go.
I got his number.
You also got his lunch.
Well, what now?
I'm gonna call Walter and Swaboda,
have 'em meet us on West Flagler.
What are we gonna do
on West Flagler?
- DIBLEY: Ah-hah!
- CAROL: Hmm?
Well, I'm sorry, we're late,
but I took Mom to her dance class.
- Jazz?
- Never mind, you made it.
Hey, that's great news
about the cannon.
Do you really think
we can get one?
I'm positive...
What we do need, though,
is something to pull it.
I figure if we get a car
from one of these lots around here,
we can take it out
for, like a, a trial spin.
A long one.
We're gonna bring it back...
- I like it.
- I love it.
- I hate it.
- Let's do it.
- MEN: Yeah!
- CAROL: No!
I'll get a cab
to take us to West Flagler.
- Taxi!
- Dibley?
We're on West Flagler.
How much do I owe you?
That's it. The Jeep.
It's got a tow bar.
It's perfect.
It's better than perfect.
The keys are in it. Hop in.
- Come on, Carol, hop in.
- No.
Come on.
Well, that's the shortest
test drive on record.
Folks, you come
to just the right place.
Hey, that's a fine vehicle
you got.
I have one just like it, uh...
somewhere on the lot.
you look like such fine folks.
Watch this.
I'm gonna offer you
fifteen-hundred bucks
cash on the barrel.
Hey, Benson, over here!
Oh, boss, I gotta go.
Well, here comes Betty
with the money.
Just give her this.
She'll take care of the paperwork for you.
Take care.
Thank you.
BOSS: Folks!
You know your cars.
Run ya for life, this baby.
And because she happens to be
today's red ticket special,
I could let you have it
for sixteen-hundred dollars.
- How about fourteen-hundred?
- Fifteen.
I was there,
I still don't believe it.
Well, you better
believe it, Carol.
It's all comin' together.
We got the Jeep,
we got the gun...
We don't have
a single problem now.
- We got a problem.
- Good.
I just spoke to Kendall,
the crane operator.
He's pointing something out.
Is there dressing
in this salad?
We're all set for tomorrow,
but if anyone sees the size
of the gun, it's over.
There's gonna be two dozen
stevedores on that dock.
You forgot tomatoes.
Oh, yeah.
How can we get two dozen stevedores
to look the other way for three minutes.
Well, the only thing I know
that would distract them is a naked girl.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Absolutely, categorically, no!
Yeah, yeah.
That's perfect.
Just perfect.
First we rent an army uniform,
and this, now the boat...
This thing is costing us
a fortune!
Will you relax, Carol?
We're gonna get it all back.
You saw, we didn't have
to rent the Jeep.
Oh, that's true.
We stole that.
Borrowed it.
I'll take it back tomorrow.
All right, guys.
Be careful with that.
All right.
Let's synchronize our watches.
I have 9:57.
I have 10:03.
What time do you have, Dibley?
I don't have a watch.
10 o'clock.
Let's just call it 10 o'clock.
- Okay, 10 o'clock.
- Okay, yeah, yeah.
Okay, that's 60 minutes
to zero hour.
- Good luck, Dibley.
- Good luck, Charlie.
- Carol.
- Walter.
- Thanks.
- Good luck.
You, too.
I got something for you.
What is it?
Just try it on.
Ohh, Dibley.
There ya go, take it up!
I'll un-sling the cannon,
you hitch it to the tow bar.
and we'll both
get in the back seat.
Well, somebody's gotta drive.
Mom's got a license.
I'll drive.
Listen to that music.
Hey, guys, let's go!
are you tired
of paying big cleaning bills?
Of course you are.
Well, I'm gonna show you guys
a way to get out from under--
- What are you talking about?
- No more--
Tonight, and every night,
the Club Troubadour presents
NASA Stripperama.
Fifteen beautiful girls
every night of the week.
- DIBLEY: This is the big show-- the hot show.
DIBLEY: This is the exact show
that everybody's talking about.
DIBLEY: Now look, you've never
seen such a plevy of beauties
assembled together
under one roof.
And what a roof!
What a theater!
Yes, the all new, remodeled...
What a pleasure! What delight!
Yes, sir, it's a great show!
I wanna give you a little preview,
because here she is,
from Cleveland,
the blonde bombshell herself,
Miss Shaker Heights!
- Come on, how 'bout a round of applause!
- MAN 1: That's it!
- MAN 2: Yay!
MAN 1: Shake it!
MAN 2: Come on, shake it!
MAN: Take it off!
Come on, Carol,
take it off.
It's stuck.
DIBLEY: What do you mean "it's stuck"?
Just take it off.
Take the freakin' thing off!
I'm tryin' to take
the freakin' thing off!
Ah, ah, ahh!
We did it, Walter.
Let's go.
Good God!
You don't expect me to drive
- a stick shift, do you?
- Oh, no, you're kidding.
- Why couldn't it be Rocky?
- Rocky.
All that gangster can
drive is a getaway car.
This is a getaway car!
All right, come on, Kitty.
Come on, Kitty, move over.
I beg your pardon.
- Ah! No. My hair is a mess.
My nails are destroyed.
I don't know
why I got into this.
- Yay!
- Get in.
- We got it.
It's over at Mom's.
You guys are fantastic.
We couldn't have done it
without you two.
Oh, boy,
it must have been
- some bumpin', huh?
- Hi, Carol.
She killed 'em.
Come on, we got a lot to talk about.
Let's get somethin' to eat.
You guys go ahead.
I'm just, uh, gonna go inside
and scream for a while.
Come on, let's go.
She's just a little upset.
- To the, uh, Highlight restaurant, please.
- You got it, pal.
Come on, let's go!
The armored truck picks up
at the bank.
DiCoro Way, here.
Turns into Lejeune,
and goes uptown.
This where we hit it,
at 8h Street.
- Why there?
- 'Cause that's where the machine is.
There's only one real trick
to takin' an armored truck.
You gotta get the doors open
in a hurry.
Hey, you thought
of everything, boss.
Except one thing.
We'll need a diversion.
Don't worry, boss.
You'll think of somethin'.
Diversion, Louie?
I don't see
how we can miss.
We got the car,
and now, we got the cannon.
Yes, but we still need a boat.
I saw something that's perfect.
We can drive the cannon
right onto it,
and it's available
every half hour.
The Inter Island Ferry.
- SWABODA: That's great.
- WALTER: Wonderful.
Now, all we have to do is
find out when the mayor's home.
- WALTER: Tomorrow!
- How you know that?
Um, I read it
in the newspaper.
He's giving a luncheon I think,
some out-of-town group.
That's perfect.
- Money is as good as ours.
Forgot somethin'.
- What?
- Further down.
- My shoes.
- Right.
What do you think they meant,
"get their money back from the mayor"?
Taxes, what else?
Who cares?
If they're really gonna do it,
we'll get that armored truck on a platter.
What about timing?
It's perfect.
When they hit the mayor
at that luncheon,
every cop in town
will be up at his place,
what, around 2:00, 2:30.
That truck reaches
8th Street and Lejeune at 2:45.
That will give us
a nice, clear field.
You wanted a diversion.
Could be we got ourselves
a beauty!
SWABODA: Hi, Carol.
DIBLEY: Hi, honey.
What'd the police say?
We didn't go to the police.
We went to see Randall Kendall,
the crane operator.
Oh, good.
You took the gun back, huh?
Are you kidding?
We're going
through with this.
God, Dibs.
We went through
all this last night.
Once you tell the police
what those crooks are planning,
they'll tell them
what you're planning.
I know that.
That's exactly why
we're not gonna tell the police.
We're not even
gonna get close to 'em.
You mean, you're gonna let
those people rob an armored truck?
No, we're not.
We're gonna
stop 'em ourselves.
As soon as we get our money
back from the mayor.
But those are real crooks.
Y-You guys are going up
against an armed gang.
They're not the only ones
that are gonna be armed, Carol.
- Here. Look.
- Look at this.
Look what we got
from Mr. Kendall.
- What do you think?
- That's it. [REELING IN LINE]
That is it!
[SINGSONG] Excuse me.
- It's over!
- Over?
- I'm calling the whole thing off!
- Off? What do you mean?
Oh, I don't know.
I'm guess, I'm just flighty.
I went into the river
so that you guys could boost a gun.
That's one thing.
But to expect me to help you
fire it is something else.
The whole thing is off!
- Off? What do you mean?
- Why?
No, it isn't.
But you agreed I could pull the plug
if things got out of control.
Yeah, but nothing is--
Everything is under control.
Just look up there.
you guys brought home a live
artillery shell in a racket ball bag.
- Yeah.
- That's not all we brought home.
Yeah, wait 'til you see this, Carol.
What's that?
You were in the Army.
Now you're in the Navy.
Coast Guard.
I have your
costume right in here.
Am I in the Coast Guard, too?
No, silly.
Your job is to pick up
the money from the mayor.
So, we got a costume
that you'd stand out in,
you know,
so he can't mistake you.
Oh, he couldn't mistake me.
All he has to do is look for a woman
whose mind is hanging by a thread.
- DIBLEY: Carol.
- When is this, uh, gonna take place?
In four hours.
Dibley, you got it up here.
That sign was
a great idea, too.
If it works.
We're about to find out.
Hey, that was a good movie.
Okay, the next ferry's ours,
that's at 1:00.
Let's say it takes us
10 minutes to grab it...
What, about 30 minutes
to sail to Star Island?
Let's allow 15 minutes
to, uh, convince the mayor
and 30 minutes
for the trip back.
That's back here
at 2:30, okay?
Well, it could be tight.
They're supposed to hit
the armored truck at 2:45.
No, we'll have
plenty of time
just as long as the four
of us work as a team.
are you sure
your mom should come?
I mean, a stick-up's
no place for a woman.
Kitty'll probably be there.
Denna Key Landing, Denna Key.
Get your hands away
from the rails,
and wait to disembark
until the gate has been lifted.
Thank you,
and have a pleasant day.
Let's go, come on.
Let's go. Let's go!
let's do it.
Oh, would you hold it right there?
Just hold it, uh, thank you.
Dibley, switch on
the ignition.
The ignition, right.
- No, no, no, the key, the key.
- The key, right.
All right, now put the--
put the gear shift stick into first.
Oh, sure,
put the gear stick into first.
What do I put in second?
Wait for me!
What the hell's going on?
Keep this rig movin'.
Could you please close that barrier?
It's an emergency.
Hey, just get it out of here,
will you?
Well, there's no need to shout.
Could you just close that barrier?
Hey, look, Admiral, move it!
You're doing it again.
Shut up.
I'm sorry folks,
this is an official emergency.
You'll have to wait
for the next ferry.
- MAN: When's that?
Coast Guard, Captain.
Don't let any passengers on.
What did they do?
This is an emergency.
Give the order, please.
Hold the traffic coming in.
So, what's up?
I'm afraid, Captain, there's
a serious outbreak of yellow fever...
right on Wolf Island.
Gives us no choice,
but to quarantine this ferry.
You can't do that.
I got orders.
Sir, if you take this boat out
one more time today,
you could be subjecting
the city of Miami to a hideous epidemic
of hideous proportions.
They got alligators,
hurricanes, tourists...
They ain't even
gonna notice an epidemic.
I'm sorry, Captain.
I've taken all I'm gonna
from you, sailor.
Now, move it!
So, you thought
it'd be easy meat, heh?
You think you're pretty good
with your dukes, heh?
What do you know,
ya ferry boat fairy?
I'm terribly sorry.
I have this condition, you see, that-- I--
Rocky, don't leave me
Captain, there is just
one more thing.
The mayor is naturally very
concerned about the epidemic threat,
and he has insisted
on seeing the ferry personally.
However, he is tied up
right now, so...
before we go to quarantine,
I'm sure you wouldn't mind, uh,
popping up the bay
to the mayor's house.
- Everything okay, Charlie?
- Fine.
- I think.
That cheap hoodlum...
Will you look at this?
I must look
like a battered wife.
You can't go in there.
- And why not, pray?
- 'Cause Mom's in there.
I only wish
to use the mirror.
Well, Mom's always been
pretty broadminded.
What's the matter?
We're in big trouble.
Come here.
I can't find my ticket.
We didn't buy a ticket.
Then we're really in trouble.
Captain, as soon as we get
opposite the residence,
would you mind, uh,
swinging the boat around
so the mayor can
see it's empty?
Anything for the mayor.
- A Nice lunch, Mr. Mayor.
- Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Would you like some coffee?
Yes, I would.
You're from New York, right?
- The Bronx.
- Oh.
How do you like Miami?
Ah, it's great.
Except I keep getting mugged
all the time.
Oh, in this city?
Yes, Your Honor.
When I got off the plane,
a guy stole my watch.
Back at the hotel,
the dude in the elevator took my wallet.
And a room service waiter held me up
for my electric razor.
Oh, that should never have
happened to you in Miami.
You're right, Mr. Mayor.
I can get all that
back at home.
Well, we do have our occasional
incidents every now and then, but...
nothing like what
you describe.
Well, I'm happy
to hear that, Mr. Mayor.
Frankly, I was beginning to think
that everybody in this town was a mugger.
Mr. Mayor.
Excuse me.
You must come to safety, sir.
There's a man on the Inter Island Ferry
threatening your life with a gun.
Well, I hardly think
I'm in any danger
if I'm here and a man with a pistol
is on the Inter Island Ferry.
You don't understand, sir.
They're anchored right off the front lawn.
They've got an army cannon!
Who are they?
Can you see?
Two sailors, sir.
They had a sign,
but all I could read
was the word "Realto."
They're Cuban navy.
What do they want?
Did they say?
They said something
about money.
This is the mayor speaking.
We won't pay a penny more
than a half a million.
How much?
How much do they want?
Six-hundred and fifty dollars.
Plus some
out-of-pocket expenses.
Amounting to exactly
92 dollars and 43 cents.
I assume you're not
doing this out of sheer greed.
We're doing it because our car was
totaled in one of your potholes
and your bureaucrat just...
One of our potholes wrecked their car.
But, we can't pay them,
Mr. Mayor.
We can't give in
to blackmail.
What if we said yes?
What if we paid them ourselves,
out of our own pockets?
We could come outta this
smelling like a rose.
Would you be open to a deal?
What kind of deal?
Well, you'd get your money...
but you don't breathe a word
about how you got it.
- We don't?
- MAYOR: No.
What happened was...
I heard about your car...
and, touched
by your bad luck...
tracked you down...
and reimbursed you myself.
That's the story
I'll give to the press.
Oh, I get it. You score some points
and we get our money back.
You got yourself a deal.
Have the money at the ferry landing
in exactly 30 minutes.
Put it in a shopping bag
and a woman's gonna pick it up.
How will I know her?
I'll be there.
A brilliant stroke, sir.
Fantastic, sir.
But now we've got
to get the money together.
I've got 45 dollars.
I've got 60.
Better get the rest
of the staff in here.
Good news, Captain.
The mayor just told me
that it's not yellow fever.
No quarantine?
No quarantine.
Full speed ahead, Bradshaw,
and damn the torpedoes.
Thanks, Claude.
Thank you, Gunther.
- Marianne.
- Brian.
We're still
about 10 dollars short, Mr. Mayor.
this is worth
about 80 dollars, sir.
Oh, thanks, O'Brian,
but I think the people we're dealing with
have all the guns they need.
Well, there's only
one thing for it...
I'll have to borrow it
from one of the guests.
I'm awfully sorry
to bother you,
but, could I ask you
a big favor?
Let me have 10 dollars.
No problem.
- Take it all.
- Oh, no, no, no.
Just the, uh... the 10.
You're very kind.
Even the mayor.
- We did it!
- WALTER: Oh, that's great!
The money's on the way
to the terminal.
now comes the hard part.
Yeah, the armored car.
Ten after two.
Teen after?
We're gonna really have to hurry.
Sure you know
what you're doing?
I ought to.
I've been doing it for 10 years.
Yeah, but you never did it
to an armored truck before.
An armored truck, a building,
what's the difference?
Okay, wait for my signal.
Is this gonna work?
Them armored trucks are
as tight as a can of beans.
So, we got a big can opener.
Fourteen minutes.
Thirteen minutes.
Come on! Come on!
I just hope we can
recognize the pickup.
I don't think
we're gonna have any problem.
God be with you.
I take it you're
with the pothole people.
Oh, yes.
Give her the money.
You sure you're with 'em?
Why, do you see
another skating nun?
There she is. Easy now.
WALTER: Are right,
we're gettin' close to late.
- Carol, we did it!
- I got it!
Thanks, Carol!
You make a superior nun!
What's their rush?
We had a deal.
They're on their way
to a robbery.
How many
do they do a day?
No, no, no,
they're gonna try and stop one, and...
I don't know
if they can handle it.
Well, in that case,
we better help 'em out. Come on!
Okay, gimme the gun.
Come on.
What the hell's that?
It's those guys from the Highlight.
Move it!
Come on! Hurry up!
- Here they are, right on schedule.
- We got here just in time.
Come on! Come on, move!
Ah, yeah.
Stay on their tail, Dibley.
That ain't right.
Oh, it's the cops.
Step on it.
I'll get some back up.
Nah, let's do it ourselves.
Try to get in front of 'em, Dibley.
We'll stop 'em with our cannon.
My God,
they've called out the Navy.
Well, we just missed it
by one.
- I just gotta get in front of them.
- You can do it, Dibley.
The armored car!
get in front of them.
I think they're
gonna make a right!
Okay, hold on,
here we go again.
That's great, Dibs!
There goes the Navy.
This is where we came in!
Oh, that's okay, Dibs.
I wonder where this goes.
- Airport.
- Beach.
What are you doing?
It's the mayor.
You jackass!
Will you move?
How goes it, Vinny?
Oh, yeah!
What are you doing?
Coast Guard.
Oh, no!
Oh, come on.
What next?
We've got 'em.
We've got 'em.
I think we got them.
They got us.
Don't worry.
We're in an armored truck.
They can't touch us.
You're under arrest.
Come on out with your hands up.
Sorry, we're closed.
You can't get in.
Hey why'd we stop?
Look what
the guard left behind.
They're taking the overpass.
Now's your chance, Dibley.
- Hang on!
I lost 'em!
I found 'em.
All right, go slow.
Just let 'em get ahead.
What are they doing?
I don't know,
but I'm gonna stick with 'em.
Atta boy, Dibs.
Stay with 'em.
I think they're up to somethin'.
My God, I think they've all
run out of gas at the same time.
No, it's no good.
Get going... move!
Take a left, take a right,
take something.
We're takin' the train?
Stay with them.
I meant on the road.
Get off the tracks.
- Will you get this thing off the tracks?
- I can't.
We gotta get ahead of 'em
on those tracks.
They've gone nuts.
Never again... not with you.
Oh, no, not now!
Grab the wheel!
Grab the wheel!
- Oh, no.
- What's the matter?
Mom's hat blew off!
I told you not to bring her.
Grab hold of Walter,
Mrs. Swaboda.
That builds up.
Things get a little dangerous
and he runs off
like a frightened bunny rabbit.
Grab hold of Kitty,
Mrs. Swaboda.
What's goin' on over there?
I think Dibley's forgotten
how to drive
and either rocky or kitty's
taken over Walter
and something must have
happened to Mrs. Swaboda.
What's that?
Hold it steady.
Okay, Charlie, gimme the shell.
Let's say I like being
on the business end of this little pop gun.
- They're gonna blow us away!
- Nah, they're bluffin'.
Oh, my God.
[AS ROCKY] Okay, you guys,
this one's for Swaboda's mother.
Aw, nuts!
- You all right?
- Oh, sure.
- Okay, it's all over.
- All right.
We're goin' to prison--
you're eatin' bananas.
CAROL: Dibley!
Oh, oh...
Are you all right?
I'm fine, thank you, sister.
Oh, he's all right.
His Honor.
I'd like to thank all of you
for all of your help.
No hard feelings,
Your Honor?
On the contrary.
This city owes you
a deep debt of gratitude.
We could keep the money?
MAYOR: Oh, absolutely.
Thank you.
You're Carol!
[SIGHING] Oh, Dibley.
CAROL: Well, you beat city hall.
What'd the car cost?
SWABODA: The guy wanted
650 dollars for it
but Dibley gave him
a take-it-or-leave-it offer.
So what'd you get it for?
Six fifty-five.
Look out ahead!
- Pothole!
- Oh, no!
- Watch out, Dibley, watch out!
- Dibley!
Wow, your driving has improved.
CAROL: What about your
other, uh, difficulties?
I'm cured, Carol.
Really I am...
one hundred percent.
Honestly, no more problems?
I haven't had any symptoms.
That's wonderful darling.
- You okay, Charlie?
- Yeah.
- Walter?
- Yeah.
What do you say, guys?
WALTER: Mm-hmm.
We still have the uniforms.
- WALTER: You comin'?
- SWABODA: Come on, Carol.
Watch your step.
This time I have a plan.
Well, we need a better boat.
DIBLEY: Only this time
we won't bother with city hall.
CAROL: No nuns,
no skates, no strippers.