Norm: The Tale of Norm Macdonald (2026) Movie Script

I wanted to talk
about The Crocodile Hunter.
-Did you?
-Because I--
-Yeah, you're gonna make 'em sad.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because I think, you know, it was
it was tragic at the time, but I think
[laughter]
I don't know. People calling me, man.
They were shocked.
"Hoo, hey! You wouldn't believe it,
who got killed."
"The Crocodile Hunter!"
[laughter]
Don't Please don't make me laugh at this.
-This is not--
-They were like
-This is not good.
-"He was 44."
I'm like, "That's a ripe old age
for a crocodile hunter."
[laughter]
[host] That's not I don't know.
[cheering and applause]
-[beep]
-Hello.
You're on the air with Norm Macdonald.
Where are you calling from?
[man] I'm calling from Harrison, Arkansas.
Whoo!
[host] Cool. You have a question for Norm?
[man] Yeah, well, a couple nights ago
I was browsin' through YouTube, right?
And, uh, it was,
like, 5:30 in the morning,
and I was just laughin' my fuckin' ass off
at all those Norm clips, man.
Can I give you a compliment?
Many times when I'm feeling down,
what I do is, I go on, uh, YouTube
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-and I watch you on various talk shows.
-The hole you can get into
-Of Norm?
with all of this stuff is just crazy.
[gentle electric guitar music playing]
[Larry King] One of the most
respected comedians working today,
though show business has never
really found the place to put him.
He's been named by Comedy Central
as one of the hundred greatest stand-ups
of all time.
He's an actor, a comedian, and former
news anchor for Saturday Night Live.
He's also appeared in numerous films
including Dirty Work and Billy Madison.
Nobody funnier. Ladies and gentlemen,
Norm Macdonald.
Hey, this occurred to me today.
Uh, ID. There's a strange abbreviation
when you think about it.
"I" is short for "I."
[laughter]
And then "D" is short for "dentification."
[raucous laughter]
Have you guys seen the moth joke?
The moth joke?
A moth goes into a podiatrist's office.
He wanted a turtle,
and I said I'd get him a turtle.
-[Conan chortling]
-[Norm] That'd be a good gift.
We've gone down a wormhole.
Just one after another after another.
His Conan appearances,
his Letterman appearances.
[Norm] You eat dinner
at a restaurant different than home, like,
while I'm waiting for my pork chop,
I'll eat a big loaf of bread.
[David laughing]
Norm, didn't you used
to host the news on Saturday Night Live?
I know, this whole thing's got me thinking
I gotta fuckin' get back on TV.
Worst job for the third year in a row,
crack whore.
Did you just write that?
-I didn't write it.
-Did you say that?
No, I read it.
[man 1] When he hosted the ESPYs
[man 2] There's so many great clips
of him throwing Spade under the bus.
[man 3] You ever heard the joke
about the the dog house?
[man 4] 9/11 airlines.
[laughter]
[music fades out]
[tapping]
They don't judge, dogs.
We judge, you know?
All our love comes with caveats, you know?
There's no such thing
as unconditional love with human beings.
But dogs, they don't care.
They love Hitler had a dog.
Now, you think of that.
I'm no fan of Hitler.
I never liked him.
I didn't like him
before it was cool not to like him.
But there was a dog in history
who loved Hitler more than anyone.
He would wake up in the morning,
you know, "Where's Hitler?"
You know?
And Gring or something would go,
like, "He's not here."
"He's doing some evil stuff."
"I've explained to you, he spends
most of his time doing evil stuff."
"You can't see him that often."
He goes, "Okay. Yeah, no.
I'm not trying to"
"Listen, Gring. I love you.
I love Mengele. I love everybody."
"All you guys are the greatest,
but it's just, Hitler is the greatest man
who's ever lived."
[laughter]
This is why we ask
that you don't use recording devices.
[laughter]
[cheering and applause]
-[whistling]
-[whimsical music playing]
[Norm] I'm a stand-up comedian
and have been
for over a quarter of a century.
I've performed thousands of hours.
Sometimes I get big laughs and think
I'm the best stand-up in the whole world,
and other times I bomb,
and I think I'm not even in the top five.
Really I mean, I think
if we all looked in our heart of hearts,
we wouldn't want
our daughter to marry a a green guy.
I don't think
that's a terribly racist thing to say.
[no laughter]
Yeah, you guys disagree.
[Norm] Stand-up comedy is
a shabby business
made up o' shabby fellas like me
who cross the country,
stay at shabby hotels,
and tell jokes they no longer find funny.
[man] Norm Macdonald!
[cheering and applause]
You show up in a strange town.
Next thing, you're gone.
Then another town,
then another and another.
[man] Have a good show.
[Norm] That's a good-looking hamburger.
Goddamn.
-[cheering]
-Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
You're moving, always moving,
like a criminal drifter
getting what you can from a place
then getting out.
You're never in one place long enough
to experience anything
but the shabbiest of love.
In the studio with us right now,
I'm pretty excited about it,
Norm Macdonald.
-I've been a fan for many years. Welcome.
-Thanks, man.
-Glad you dressed up for the occasion.
-[woman] He did!
Nobody had to know that.
We're on the radio.
[host] I've been watching you
for many, many years
on, uh, Saturday Night Live, of course.
-Yeah, yeah.
-[host] Was a huge fan.
-So I wanted to
-Awesome.
-[host] I wanted to start there.
-Okay.
My first guest tonight was a cast member
for many years on Saturday Night Live.
Former Saturday Night Live cast member.
-Saturday Night Live.
-Saturday Night Live.
How many years did you
do the fake news on Saturday Night Live?
[Norm] It can be difficult
to define yourself
by something that happened so long ago
and is gone forever.
Isn't that what people know you most
when they see you out in public? They're
Yeah, they mostly know that.
When people come to see me do stand-up,
it is because somewhere in their memory,
I live on SNL,
dressed as a young Burt Reynolds
Hey, check out the podium. Look at this.
[Norm] insisting Alex Trebek
refer to me as Turd Ferguson.
[bleep]
-[Will Ferrell] Burt Reynolds.
-That's not my name.
[Norm] The problem about Saturday
Night Live is when you leave it, right
Turd Ferguson.
[Norm] if you don't go to giant fame,
you're always like,
"What happened? Why didn't he?" You know?
[keyboard clacking]
[Larry] Norm's new memoir
is Norm Macdonald Based on a True Story.
It has been met with critical acclaim
as a New York Times bestseller,
may be a Pulitzer winner,
and most importantly,
he's a longtime favorite of this show.
It's called a memoir on, uh on the book,
but that's like saying
-[Larry] Is it a novel?
-"Confessions of a killer. "
But it's not really confessions of--
-Is this novel?
-This is a novel, yeah, not a memoir.
So do I believe it or not believe it?
Uh You Well, it's, uh
It's not facts, but it's truth.
-If that makes any sense.
-No.
Uh, okay, uh, so you could either look
at your life as a series of facts,
or you could look at it
more overarchingly as a truth.
[gentle country music playing]
I grew up in a sort of bleak
and rural area of Canada.
[Larry] You grew up poor like I did.
-[Norm] Dirt poor.
-[Larry] Dirt poor.
[Norm] A hundred acres
of godforsaken, hard, and unyielding soil
with a broke-down house
and a barn that's in even worse shape.
There were 30 head of dairy cattle,
50 chickens, five hungry hogs,
and one obsolete mule.
[mule whinnying]
And there were seven hicks there as well.
My father was old when I was born.
He was two generations before me.
All our neighbors were my father's age,
so I was always around old ones
growin' up.
And that suited me just fine.
My favorite times were in the evening
when my father would have company over.
That's what we called it back then.
"Company."
They'd tell stories from the old days.
From the war, from the Depression.
And they'd tell jokes too.
My father would always tell
the best jokes,
and after the punchline,
everybody would laugh to beat the band,
including my father.
And then, as the laughter was dying down,
my father would repeat the punchline,
and everybody would start laughin' again.
I would laugh too,
sitting cross legged in the corner.
[Larry] Have a favorite joke
of your dad's?
[Norm] Oh yes.
He goes, "A fella, Bill,
and he couldn't, uh, remember,
"so he went
to the doctor to get, uh, memory pills,
and they worked."
"And then his friend come over.
'Elmer,' he says."
"'What were those memory pills you got?
I wanna get 'em. What are they called?'"
"'Ooh,' Elmer says, 'I can't remember.'"
"He says, 'What's the name
of that, uh, flower?'"
"The other guy goes, 'I don't know.
There's lots of flowers. A tulip?'"
"'No,' Elmer says, 'That's not it.
It's, uh You put it in your'"
"'For' 'Oh, a a carnation!'"
"'No,' Elmer says. 'That's not it.'"
"'Long stemmed, you know.
Romantic flower.'"
"'Oh, a rose!' 'Yes,' Elmer says."
"'Rose, what was the name
of that medication the doctor gave me?'"
You wanna hear my dad's favorite joke?
He says He was from the farm,
you know? And he says, uh
"A guy a guy comes from the city.
A city slicker comes and he buys a farm,
and the farmer next door
comes over to him and says, 'Hey now.'"
"'Uh, would you like to come over
to my house tonight?'"
"'We're gonna have
a a big shindig for ya,
"uh, because, you know,
we're neighborly here,'
and the city guy said, 'Well, this is
something that I really like, you know?'"
"'This is why I moved to the farm,
to have things like this, you know?'"
"Guy says, 'It'll be a hell
of a big party, you know?'"
"He goes, 'It'll be, you know, a little
a little, uh, drinkin',
a little fightin', a little fuckin',
you know?'"
"The city guy goes,
'Well, that sounds good.'"
"'What time should I be here?'
And the farmer goes,
'Any time you like. Just the two of us.'"
[both laugh]
So they would drink, then get in a fight.
[chuckles]
And fuck.
-That's your dad's favorite joke.
-That's my dad's favorite joke.
Like, Norm's whole world was not just
He was making fun of
-You were part of this the suckers too.
-Right.
-I'm a vegetarian. A strict vegetarian.
-[man] No, have you done that?
Well, I eat chicken.
That's not all that strict.
I said I'm not strict. I eat chicken and
beef.
-Pork.
-[men laughing]
I eat raw game. Did you ever eat, uh
Do you ever just lie
for no reason at all, folks?
You know, just all of a sudden, a big lie
will spill out of your evil head there?
-Holocaust denier.
-Awesome.
[laughter]
You don't even know why.
A guy will come up to you, "Hey."
"You ever see that movie
with Meryl Streep and the horse?"
And you go, "Yes."
[laughter]
-You probably have a sick mom.
-Yeah.
Yeah?
So I can pretty much do that test
with every comedian
that ever lived has a sick mom.
I don't think she's sick.
[Norm] In the back of your head, "What
the fuck am I lying about over here?"
"I stand to gain nothing by this lie."
The doctor said
she's more virus than host at this point.
[laughter]
But I don't know this gobbledygook!
I was one of his good friends for
talking like 15 years.
-Wow.
-And I still was like
I could kind of gauge,
but sometimes I was like,
"What is he saying?"
I'm Scottish!
My ethnic background is Polish.
I'm three quarters gypsy!
-Oh, you are not.
-I swear to God.
He would say he never drank.
-[Norm] Don't drink. Don't smoke.
-Drugs?
Nope.
He would say that constantly,
and it was like, "Did he?"
Yeah, I think he did.
I'm almost certain, but I have no idea.
I read online
that you dropped out of high school,
and in the past few weeks,
I've been kinda really wanting to drop out
'cause I wanna be a musician.
Norm had no college education or
high-school education. Did you know that?
I don't know if I believe that.
I don't know if that's true.
With us, the "ir-on" horse
of broadcasting.
It's iron.
-You don't pronounce it eye-run.
-That's what everybody tells me.
I think it's kinda useless
to go to school.
It seems you told me at 15 you were gone,
and I was out of school at 15.
-[Larry] I-R-O-N is iron.
-[Norm] Ir-on.
-No, no. Iron.
-Iron.
Right, not It should be ir-on.
That's what makes English
the world's toughest
[Norm] I'm not educated, like,
I never had any schoolin'.
I never graduated high school.
-[Norm] All right.
-Come on, Tom Green line, hooray!
-[Norm] Cool.
-[man] Awesome!
Uh, that kid's gotta get back in school.
It's like when
we dropped out of high school that time.
When I was in college
My buddy did it in college.
Like, I never graduated college.
I never went to college.
[man 1] This is
the Variety Television Network.
[man 2] Variety Television
proudly presents
Variety!
[energetic rock music playing]
Tonight's special guest host,
Norm Macdonald!
[applause]
Names are a funny thing.
Oftentimes, they seem to fit their owners.
Uh, for instance, you don't often run
into a three-year-old kid, uh,
named Vito.
[laughter]
And, uh, the entire history of the world
might've been different today than it is
had Hitler's first name been Biff.
[laughter]
Television would not be television
were it not for the commercials,
and, uh, you see a lot of commercials
on TV. I was watching one last week,
it was a beer commercial, and it showed
a bunch of guys on a construction site,
and, uh, they were blowing up a building,
and then after work, it was Miller time.
They headed down for a beer.
There's a great combination, huh?
High-powered explosives,
alcohol, and big fat dumb guys.
-[laughter]
-[gentle electronic music playing]
[Norm] Before I was famous,
I had a whole bunch of jobs
where all I needed was boots.
I worked in a logging camp,
a garbage truck once.
-[man] Tile work or drywall?
-[Norm] Drywall was too hard for me.
Anything with any skill,
I was horrible at.
Bottom stair is a round-over.
It does a 180 into the newel post.
[Norm] I specialized in unskilled labor,
and I was good at it.
Skilled labor appealed
to a different sort.
It was for the thinking men.
Ninety degrees? That's gonna be a problem.
-What's the problem?
-Well, we lied on our resume.
We know nothing about construction.
[Norm] I didn't like to use my head,
but I loved unskilled manual labor.
I tarred roofs. I worked at an oil rig.
-[man] Brick work?
-Brick work I did, yeah.
-You're making all this up as we go.
-No.
If my job was to shovel and shovel
until eight hours had passed,
then my body worked on its own.
It had no use for my mind,
so my mind would take off
to a world of imagination.
And that's where stand-up comedy started.
[horn honks]
[Norm] So I don't have my license,
you know, but, uh
but I always wanted to be a trucker,
and of course, I can't be a trucker
'cause I don't have a driver's license.
Makes your resume look pretty skimpy,
you know, as soon as they see that.
They don't even get to hobbies after
they see you don't have your license.
Too bad, too,
because my hobby's collecting old trucks.
But I always wanted to be a trucker.
Driving a big truck.
They're intimidating when you're in a car.
You ever been behind a big truck full
of trembling logs right in front of you?
Holy cow.
Sometimes you see those trucks
where the cargo of the truck
will be just wrecked cars.
Just a bunch of wrecked cars.
You go, "Holy cow.
I hit this guy, he won't even notice."
Just become part of the haul!
Six months later,
"Oh, there's a guy in this one!"
"Yeah, could you let me out already?
I've got a kink!"
How's it feel to look at that?
Do you remember that? Remember that bit?
I don't remember the bit,
but it makes me feel bad lookin' at it
'cause I I I don't like it
because, uh, you know,
it takes so long to be good at any
not at anything,
but specifically at stand-up.
And when you look at old, uh, stand-up,
it's, uh it's not a lot of fun
because, uh I don't
I'm sure it's like that with everything.
I'm sure Picasso was like,
"What the fuck is this shit?"
-"The fuckin' nose looks like a nose."
-Yeah. Yeah.
"What was I thinkin'?"
I mean, you're not taping this,
are you, Randy?
[Norm] I was 21 in 1984,
when Mark Breslin
opened Yuk Yuk's Comedy Club in Ottawa.
I was making $21.20
a day with a jackhammer,
but Mark was offering $15 a set,
and you could do two
a night if you were lucky,
so the decision was pretty easy.
And thank you very much.
Enjoy all the rest of the show.
[applause]
[curious synth music playing]
Here's Johnny!
[Norm] Late in the fall of 1991,
things were different for comedians.
Johnny Carson could make
your career with a wave of his hand.
Here's how it worked.
You did your six minutes,
and if Johnny liked you enough
he'd wave his arm,
inviting you to join him at his desk.
He would anoint you,
and you would become a star.
Carson had announced
he was gonna retire in eight months,
and I said, "I'll move to Los Angeles
and be the last comedian
on The Tonight Show
and have him call me over to the couch,
and he'll anoint me."
Every time I went on stage in Los Angeles,
my chances of getting on Carson increased.
And I was doing as many sets as possible.
When I was a kid, it was a Doberman.
That was the mean dog.
And they'd rip your throat out too,
but they'd give you a little head start.
A Doberman.
Doberman will see you on the street, go,
"Your house over there? Go ahead."
[laughter]
[Norm] There was this talent booker
for The Tonight Show.
He was the guy you had to get through,
the gatekeeper.
You don't even see Dobermans anymore.
'Cause pit bulls have all the work now.
They're the big dog.
Dobermans, once in a while,
you see 'em on a street corner, you know?
It's sad.
On a park bench with a Frisbee,
going, "I used to be somebody. Hey!"
"I'm a Doberman. Hey."
"Got a buck?"
So I would do a set,
you know, and he would come.
Every time, he was drunk.
Like, and he say, he'd go,
"I didn't like it, but I'm really drunk."
-I'd go, "Oh."
-Good.
Then he had this thing. He goes
He finally saw my act. He was sober.
And he goes,
"You know what? You're a Jay comic,"
and I go, "What?" I go,
"Everyone tells me I'm a Johnny comic."
I actually said that, and he goes,
he whispers to me, he goes,
"And Jay's gonna be takin' over."
I go, "I know. It's been in the paper."
Yeah, and like, "I'm drunk."
[Norm] After I got laughed out
of Hollywood, I ended up in New York,
where I slept in the Central Park Zoo
next to the polar bears.
[man] My first real legit road gig
was MCing his seven or eight shows
at Catch A Rising Star in Princeton.
Comedy was hot, so the clubs were
the club was packed every night.
And Norm had this weird accent,
and his jokes were long,
and they were often absurd.
They either loved him or they hated him.
Seven shows, he probably bombed
three of 'em.
And when he killed,
we'd go backstage and we would
play poker until the next show.
When he bombed,
inexplicably, he would go to the exit
and say goodbye to every single person.
[laughter]
[Norm] I got lucky.
Robert Morton, the booker
for Late Night with David Letterman,
was at my first show
at Catch A Rising Star.
A month later, David Letterman,
the funniest man in the world,
put me on his show
and gave me his stamp of approval.
Making his network television debut,
ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Norm Macdonald.
Norm!
[Norm] I wasn't a guy
who grew up with Johnny Carson.
I was a guy
who grew up with David Letterman,
so it was better for me
to have my first spot on Dave, you know?
There's violence everywhere.
I was reading the paper.
This guy, if you can believe this,
a guy killed his family
because the devil told him to.
Can you believe that?
Imagine that, killing your family,
and you go back to the devil,
you go "Yes, devil.
I did as you instructed."
"I killed my family, and I chopped them up
and put 'em in a duffel bag."
"Here they are."
"I'll be burying them tonight at
the shallow grave by the railroad track."
"As you have commanded,
oh lord host of the hoary netherworld."
Then the devil pulls off a mask.
"It's me, Bob!"
[laughter]
"Oh, Bob!"
"Jeez, you got me, Bob. You got me there."
"I got my family
in a duffel bag over here."
"That's one for you there, Bob. That's"
"You dirty dog."
Turned out I was a Dave comic.
This man began
his television stand-up debut with us
25 years ago this week.
[man] You appeared on Letterman
many times.
-Did you enjoy the show?
-It was the greatest show to do, yeah.
Norm Macdonald, because of the blizzard,
is snowed in and could not be here,
and we will schedule him
at his earliest possible convenience.
[Norm] This is Letterman.
Letterman's in on the joke,
the studio audience is in on the joke,
the home audience is in on the joke,
and the guest is the joke.
-Norm, have you seen a doctor?
-About what?
About anything. You look like you're off
your game a bit.
I get
As soon as I realized that,
I started playing with Letterman
and not doing material
and going off script, you know?
I go to the throat doctor,
I go to the ear doctor,
I go to the nose doctor,
I go to the stomach doctor,
I go to the ass doctor, you know?
[David] The ass doctor? The ass doctor?
The
I'll tell you something, man.
That's the most important doctor.
[laughter]
I don't know.
At first I was a little suspicious
because I know that in medical school,
there comes a time
when you have to pick your specialty.
[David] Uh-huh. All right. Stop it.
-But--
-[David] Stop it.
Anyways, yeah, no, the ass doctor's
very important. Quite seriously.
Because a lotta, uh And you know, you
you know, you're very nervous
about that examination, you know,
because, you know,
you don't want it to be painful,
and, you know,
you want it to be enjoyable.
[laughter]
I feel, some comedians,
their goal is to be smart,
and the funny is,
like, a collateral thing.
Letterman understands.
Play the dumb guy, you know?
Saturday Night Live.
When is that show on, Paul?
-It's Saturday night.
-Saturday night, it is?
-Yeah.
-When do they film the show? Do you know?
-They don't film it. It's live.
-Oh, it's live!
Nobody likes a guy smarter than them.
It's funny, because, uh, as you must know,
uh your your
the human neuro-muscular-skeletal system,
uh, is easily programmed.
-And after two or three--
-Sure, I knew that.
So now, you are doing
a great new television show now.
A podcast. A video podcast.
-Yes.
-Norm Macdonald Live.
Remember when you came and visited
the set of, uh, Man on the Moon?
-Sure. Yeah.
-Yeah.
I was also in the film.
[laughter]
That's how I like to put it.
It's a great podcast.
You've got great guests.
How sad is it
that a talent of yours has to do this?
You should have
your own talk show on a network.
Oh.
-Introduce me to your buddy.
-This is Adam Eget.
-Hi, Adam.
-My trusty sidekick.
Adam, why don't you tell the folks
who you are?
What?
Like, what you do.
-Hi, I'm Adam Eget.
-What do you do?
I book The Comedy Store.
-And why are you here?
-I have no idea.
[Norm] I liked the sidekick paradigm
from when I was a little boy
watching Johnny Carson.
You've got this guy and this sidekick
sort of averse to the host,
that's a little scared of him.
Do you remember when we first met,
where we were?
But what if you got a guy
and amplified that?
Just fucking abused him mercilessly?
-When I first met him
-Yeah.
he was in New York, uh,
under the Queensboro Bridge
jerkin' off punks for $15 a man.
Oh my God.
He's a virile antisemite.
That's come out on the show.
I had a bar mitzvah.
He doesn't believe the Holocaust happened.
Do you not believe that?
How'd you two guys meet?
Let's not go into this again.
He used to jerk off punks
under the Queensboro Bridge.
He's jerk off punks for $15 a man.
$15 a man.
$15 a man.
For $15 dollars a man.
Did you have a question?
I thought you had a question for Adam?
Uh Yeah, I've been dying to know, um
where where do you get your ideas from?
Norm Norm made me ask that.
I really, uh
All right. Adam Sandler's with us.
We're gonna do jokes.
On this show,
we actually provide the guest with jokes.
-Oh good, good.
-[Norm] You don't have to think.
-Who wrote 'em?
-Funny stuff. Oh!
We don't like to say because, uh
In my opinion,
if you're going to fight
the War on Terror, a good place to start
would be this nation's haunted houses!
[scattered laughter]
-They're terrifying.
-That's a good one.
Here's one for Adam. A little joke.
There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's,
says the guy who didn't shove
a bunch of Reese's up his ass.
That's good.
Very good. Very good.
Remember how hard you used to kill on SNL?
-[Norm] What?
-You with these these jokes.
-Remember you had to bring me out?
-Yeah.
Here to sing
a "Chanukah Song" is Adam Sandler!
[Norm] It's funny
with Saturday Night Live.
The people that
either they go on to huge fame,
or they fizzle into oblivion generally.
Yeah, yeah, and it's--
-Then there's me.
-And then there's you.
-No, but--
-You won't go away.
[expectant piano music playing]
[Norm] New York City
was the site of my great success.
I made it there,
and then I didn't make it anywhere else.
I guess Frank Sinatra isn't so smart
after all.
Your little honest mistake has made
a fool of me in front of my family.
[Norm] Adam Sandler had been a friend
since my early days of stand-up
and persuaded Jim Downey,
the head writer of SNL,
to watch my Letterman performance.
Jim, in turn,
recommended me to Lorne Michaels.
Saturday Night Live has a thing.
You go to Lorne, and he says,
"You gotta do three things.
Write two sketches."
"You gotta do two impressions
and two characters."
And I said, "I can't do any of that."
Why don't I just write on the show? I can
write, you know? 'Cause I do stand-up.
[man] Featuring Norm Macdonald!
You probably started out as a cast member,
but I was--
No, I was a featured player.
So a featured player is kinda of a writer,
and sometimes he gets to perform.
[Kevin] No institution in this country
is as burdened
with the problems as the prison system.
Here to comment
is Update correspondent Norm Macdonald.
Sorry, Norm. Hello.
Thank you. You know, uh, I've always been
afraid of going to prison,
and, uh, I was thinking about it
the other day,
and I realized that
what scares me most about going to prison
isn't the loss of freedom
or the, uh, stigma
or even the separation from family.
For me, the scariest thing
about going to prison is, uh
you know, it's the, uh
you know, the, uh
the anal rape.
[laughter]
And it's always kinda puzzled me that they
never seem to, you know, touch on that
during the sentencing. You know, it's
the
[laughter]
worst part of the whole deal,
and the judge doesn't even mention it.
You know?
And then there's probably guys
who go to prison
and don't even realize what's in store
for them.
The next day,
you see the guy in a prison cafeteria,
and you go, "Hey, buddy! Hey!"
"I got a bone to pick with you, pal. Hey."
"Let me tell you somethin'. You were way
outta line last night. Way outta line."
"That's ridiculous."
"How would you like if I did somethin'
like that to you? How would that be?"
"Let me just say that was one
of the most selfish, inconsiderate things
I've ever been involved with."
"What were you thinking?"
[Jim Downey] The second week I met Norm,
I felt he would be a perfect guy
to do Update
if Kevin left the show.
-[theme music playing]
-[man] Weekend Update with Norm Macdonald.
[cheering and applause]
[Norm] Jim told me
I had to think up a line
to introduce the segment every week.
The two best anchors were Dennis Miller,
who opened the segment with
Thank you, good evening,
and what can I tell you?
[Norm] and Chevy Chase, who opened with
I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not.
[Norm] I said
I'm Norm Macdonald,
and now, the fake news.
You know who it was who coined
the term "fake news" originally?
-Kip Addotta?
-No, it was me.
-Oh, it was you! Oh yeah!
-Yeah.
-Weekend Update.
-Yeah, it was Weekend Update.
But, uh but now it's a real thing.
Fake news, real news.
So I thought what I'd do
is collect some news segments,
and you see if you think
this is real news or fake news.
-I follow.
-Okay.
You used to jerk off punks
under the Queensboro Bridge
for 15 bucks a man.
-Fake news.
-Nope.
-That's real news.
-Uh, fuck me.
[cheering and applause]
[Norm] A French man
who calls himself "the Snake Man"
was arrested this week after climbing
up the side of a Manhattan high-rise.
Yep, he climbed
right up the side of a high-rise.
Just like a snake.
[laughter]
[Norm] The next person I got
on the Weekend Update team
was Lori Jo Hoekstra, whose talent
was being wasted as a writer's assistant.
Lori Jo was the smartest
and funniest woman I had ever met,
and I convinced her
to be the producer of the segment.
She eventually became my producing partner
on everything thereafter.
Truth be told, any success I ever obtained
would've been impossible without Lori Jo.
The richest girl in the world,
billionaire Athina Onassis,
celebrated her 10th birthday this week.
What's it like
to be the richest girl in the world?
Well, to give you some idea, at the party,
they had two cakes.
[laughter]
[Norm] Lori Jo then suggested
we hire outside writers
so that Weekend Update
would have a completely different flavor
from the rest of SNL.
[Norm and Lori Jo] Ohh!
[Norm] We all agreed that jokes should be
stripped of any cleverness,
play on words, or innuendo.
Lisa Marie Presley has filed
for divorce from Michael Jackson.
According to friends,
the two were never a good match.
She's more of a, uh, stay-at-home type,
and he's more of a homosexual pedophile.
[laughter]
[Norm] A joke should catch people
by surprise. It should never pander.
Applause is voluntary,
but laughter is involuntary.
Well, a big seller this holiday season
is Michael Bolton's Christmas album,
This is the Time.
Happy birthday, Jesus. Hope you like crap!
[laughter and applause]
[man] He hated easy laughs.
Challenge them with stuff, even if
it's gonna maybe make them uncomfortable.
Like, "Oh, I don't like laughing at that,
but that's fuckin' funny,
so I'm gonna have to laugh." You know?
Who are safer drivers, men or women?
Well, according to a new survey,
55% of adults feel
that women are most responsible
for minor fender-benders,
while 78% blame men
for most fatal crashes.
Please note that the percentages
in these pie graphs
do not add up to 100%
because the math was done by a woman, so
[audience groaning]
For those of you hissing at that joke,
it should be noted
that that joke was written by a woman.
So now you don't know
what the hell to do, do you?
[laughter]
[scattered applause]
No, I'm just kidding. We don't hire women.
-Tell
-[laughter]
[man] Norm had the perfect what we call
the perfect straight line.
He could speak beautifully.
He could land things.
He was clipped and precise.
You know, his older brother Neil, um
-Yeah. Who I've met.
-is a CBC newscaster. Yeah.
Now, a story of two siblings
we like to call "the news brothers."
While one of them spends
his Saturday nights
pretending to be a network news anchor,
the other is doing the real thing.
He could've been a serious journalist.
[man 1] On the left is
Norm's brother Neil.
Your brother is one of
the most respected journalists in Canada.
The other part affected is
not arguably the Middle East, Ian.
It is the Middle East.
And you parody the news.
A study says that pot use
in high school is up sharply.
Don't I know it?
[laughter]
[Norm] I don't know how that happened.
He was the funny kid,
whereas I never, like, spoke or anything.
You know how people
say they were shy when children?
I was like
It was like a pathology or something.
If I went to a store, I had to walk
around the the store for, like, ten times
before I could talk to the storekeeper.
But my brother was garrulous and funny,
so I would just try to act like him.
I get referred to
as the unfunny one in the family.
Well, he's, like, the funny guy,
you know, in the family and stuff.
-And so--
-[host] Wish he were here tonight.
It's a little joke, you know, just to
-Maybe he'll call in or something.
-Yeah.
Hey, from your mouth to God's ear.
-But, uh, he, uh
-[both laughing]
So he yeah, he's the funny guy.
Quick question,
favorite SNL performer of all time?
Norm Macdonald's way up there.
He's gonna be on tonight.
-He's terrific.
-He's funny.
When you parodied me,
I think you were the best.
What is the key
to being a good interviewer?
-What
-[Larry] The key
-To being a good interviewer.
-is being a good listener.
-[Norm] What was that?
-[chuckles]
-A listener. You have to listen.
-You have to listen to the answers.
-Listen.
-Which gives you the next question to ask.
The next question to ask.
[Larry] In other words,
if you're a good listener, and you ask me,
like, who was your favorite?
-[Norm] I see.
-[Larry] And then I answer it
[high pitched]
I am Christopher Wa-a-alken!
[laughter]
-You never heard my Christopher Walken?
-Good one.
I never heard it before either.
I just assumed everyone could do it.
When I made Pulp Fiction,
all right, the thing is, I knew
that Samuel L. Jackson
was gonna be Jules, okay?
I mean, I mean, Sam was Jules, right?
-[man] Quentin Tarantino cracks me up.
-[Norm] Yeah.
-I heard he didn't care for it.
-[man] Really?
One of the things you did was
the Letterman impression.
Paul is workin', uh, workin' out today.
You know, uh, you know what health club
I work out there, don't you, Paul?
No, which one?
I work out at, uh, Crunch.
[strained] Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Ah! Ha-ha-ha.
Ha.
Got a couple of seconds.
Go ahead, let me see it.
-Well, ah-ha-ha.
-Let me see it.
-Just a little.
-What's that?
-You know.
-What would that be?
Let me see a little.
Paul, did you watch
the Saturday Night Live show?
-Yeah.
-[Norm] Yeah, yeah.
What time is that on now, Paul?
-[Paul] Huh?
-I said, what time would that be on?
-[Paul] It's like, it's 11. It's live.
-Yeah.
Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
I'm not familiar with the others you do.
-I do the Bob Dole.
-Oh, oh, right, right.
It's a great impression. Listen to this.
Come November 5th, a lot of people are
gonna be surprised by Bob Dole
'cause Bob Dole's gonna win this election.
Doesn't sound a thing like me.
First of all,
I don't run around saying,
"Bob Dole does this,"
and, "Bob Dole does that."
That's not something Bob Dole does.
[laughter]
It's not something Bob Dole has ever done
and not something Bob Dole will ever do.
I don't do impressions, you know,
but I do, like, four or five guys from
when I was a kid that I liked, you know?
Like, Letterman I liked,
so I could do an impression of him.
And when I was little kid, Burt Reynolds
used to be on The Tonight Show,
and I he was, like,
the funniest guy ever.
So I wanted to do Burt Reynolds,
and then I wrote
the sketch "Celebrity Jeopardy."
But when it comes time to tape it,
like, Lorne told costume
to have white hair for me
and a white beard.
And I'm like,
"No, I don't do Burt Reynolds."
"I do Burt Reynolds from the 1970s,
from Smokey and the Bandit."
[Will Ferrell] This is the sound
a doggy makes.
-[bleep]
-Mr. Connery.
Moo.
[buzzer]
[Will] No.
Well, that's the sound
your mother made last night.
[laughter, groaning, and applause]
Okay, that's not necessary.
-Burt Reynolds.
-Who is, uh, Scooby-Doo?
[buzzer]
-[Will] No.
-That was a funny dog, Scooby-Doo.
He drove around in a van
and solved mysteries.
That is incorrect.
No, that's correct.
I remember. He had a pal, Scrappy-Doo.
No.
You're originally Canadian?
The Toronto area?
-Toronto, yeah.
-Come down here to New York.
I come to New York,
and Toronto and New York is great
'cause they have cabs and subways
'cause I don't know how to drive a car.
-You don't drive?
-No, I never learned how.
-Really?
-Yeah.
-Why?
-Well, I don't like 'em.
I find them dangerous, you know?
Like, you drive and you're in a car,
and you're going, like, 70,
and then another car comes.
He's going 70, right?
And then there's, like, a foot
between you, you know?
You're, like, "Argh,"
and they're honkin', "Argh."
They're honking, and then who knows
what can It's only a foot. You know?
They move, and there's a crash,
and you're always seeing crashes.
Every time you drive, there's a crash.
There's a big twisted wreckage of a crash.
You know? And nobody seems to care.
They're like,
"Oh, I guess I'll be late for work."
You know?
[David] So you don't drive at all?
My goal in life is not to die.
Everybody need a goal.
And so that's my New Year's resolution
every year.
I go, "I'm not gonna die."
[laughter]
I think, actually, scientists should
kinda look into that whole death thing
because, uh they seem
to focus on diseases,
and, you know,
I don't give a fuck about them
'cause, you know, the guy go,
"Hey, uh we fixed your arthritis."
You go, "I'm still gonna die?"
They go, "Yeah."
Do you think you think about death
more than your average person?
I don't know
what the average person thinks.
I think, uh, you know,
it's always on their mind.
-Mm-hmm.
-You know what I mean?
But, yeah, I will ruminate about it,
you know, uh, for long, long periods.
Of course, to no, uh avail.
In your mind, when,
you know, you realize, you know, like,
like, you know, my dad died,
and my grandfather died,
and my great-grandfather died, you know,
and the guy before him, I don't know.
Probably, right?
I think he died.
'Cause otherwise he'd be on, uh, Extra.
No, I
I come from a long line of death.
That's my point.
That's my point.
And so I fear it.
You know, I fear it a lot.
Who who are you?
[Norm as grim reaper]
I'm Calista Flockhart.
Who the hell do you think I am? I'm Death.
[jazzy piano music playing]
[Norm] Death is a funny thing.
Not funny "ha ha"
like a Woody Allen movie,
but funny strange.
Like a Woody Allen marriage.
When it's unexpected,
death comes fast like a ravenous wolf.
[screaming]
[Norm] But when it's expected,
it comes slow and patient like a snake.
Ahhh!
Ahhhhh!
[Norm] The doctor tells you
how far away it is
and when exactly it will be at your door
and when it will be
at the foot of your bed
and when it will be on your flesh.
It's all right there on their clip boards.
I have a theory
that people are in deep denial of death,
and I'm not.
[music becomes somber]
[man 1] Norm, in the early years,
not a lot of people knew this,
had stomach cancer.
Me and Norm started together
doing comedy in Toronto.
[man 2] You guys were a duo?
[man 1] Well, we broke up, and then we
No, we weren't a duo [speech fades out]
[music fades out]
Uh, Norm, are you
Do I remember that you were, uh--
-I'm talking to Steve Martin!
-Okay, I'm sorry.
If you just get that
over to him by Labor Day, that'd be
-All right.
-Uh, uh
Do you still gamble? I
-Somebody told me that Did you?
-Yeah, I used to gamble.
-You don't anymore?
-Don't anymore.
-Was it a problem?
-Yeah, it got to be a problem, man.
And then I tried to do it, uh, smart.
Every time I tried,
a bad thing would happen.
-You know?
-What do you mean?
Well, one time I was trying
to handicap baseball, you know,
which you can actually beat baseball
if you handicap it properly.
I was trying to handicap,
I figured it out for, like, three hours,
and I went down to book
in Mirage, the sportsbook.
Went up to the fella, you know,
and there was a guy beside me,
big fat guy, you know?
With a with a And he's dressed,
like, real rich, you know,
and he opened a big attach case
filled with $10,000 chips.
Pulls out, like, 750,000,
and he's gonna bet on this, uh, boxer.
Boxer, you know? A fighter, you know?
[David] Yeah.
And it was a four-to-one underdog,
so I said, "I'm not gonna bet
my baseball bet."
"I'll just bet
on this four-to-one underdog."
-'Cause he must know.
-This guy must know.
He's probably in the mafia.
So, uh, I watched the boxing match, Dave,
and the guy, my guy that I bet on,
gets knocked out in 25 seconds.
[David chuckling] Oh no! Whoa!
I go back to the book,
I go, "What? That guy? From the mafia?"
He goes, "That guy's not from the mafia."
He goes, "That's ol' Long Shot Louie."
He goes, "He's a rich guy,
loves long shots."
I gambled on, uh, sports,
and I will tell you this,
you should never bet football
'cause the ball ain't round.
I keep telling people this.
And so the ball hits, and then
it does all kinds of crazy things,
and you don't know.
You wanna bet on a game with a round ball.
Anyways, I quit.
I don't know why I'm saying this.
[dreamy guitar music playing]
I remember a psychiatrist once telling me
that I gamble
in order to escape the reality of life.
And I told him
that's why everyone does everything.
Most people would think
it's the wins that keep the gambler going,
but any gambler knows this is not true.
As you place
your chips on the craps table,
you feel anxiety and impatience.
When the red dice
hit the green felt with a thunk
and you're declared the winner
and the chips are pushed toward you,
you feel relief.
Relief is all.
And relief is fine,
but hardly what a man would give
the whole rest of his life to gain.
It has to be something else.
And the best I have come up with is this.
It is a particular moment, a magic moment,
that occurs after the placing of a bet
and before the result of that bet.
It is after the red dice are thrown
but before they lie still
on the green felt where they fall.
It is when the dice are in the air,
and as long as they are there, time stops.
As long as the red dice are in the air,
the gambler has hope.
And hope is a wonderful thing
to be addicted to.
[music fades out]
[Larry] What was the most
you ever bet on an event?
Uh $400,000?
-Who was it on?
-Atlanta Falcons.
Against the Denver Broncos.
Mm. D'you get depressed when you lost?
Oh yeah, you fall into depression.
That's why I quit gambling, really.
Yeah, there's too much anxiety
and too much depression.
-Have you ever gone to a psychiatrist?
-Yes.
The lady was there, and I kept
she kept asking me these questions,
I'm joking.
"What about your father?" I'm joking.
She's like, "Enough with the jokes."
So, uh, then I can't joke anymore.
So now, I'm I'm just crying, and I can't
And then she's like,
"Time's up." I'm like, "No."
I'm like, "I'll pay anything."
She's like, "Get out."
And then you're in the cold New York
with hot dog vendors, you know?
Tears going down your eyes.
They don't care.
Yeah. No, and then you head over
to the Queensboro Bridge.
And then you get a little relief. My first
time I ever went to a psychiatrist
I'm so emotional, uh, and so sensitive
that I can be broken,
you know, and I know I can.
And so laughter
is what really keeps me going, you know?
It was somethin' bad
And it ain't no good
Who you gonna call?
Luh-luh-luh
-[Norm] I laugh a lot.
-[man] That's fucking great. As a comic?
[Norm] Yeah, I tell ya, I've never
trusted people that don't laugh.
The problem with laughing is it will build
to a hysteria sometimes
and throw me into anxiety.
-[man] Really?
-Yeah.
[man] You can laugh yourself
into an anxiety attack?
[Norm] Yeah, absolutely.
[Norm] I start laughing, and then
it gets out of control, like, hysterical.
[laughter distorts]
I have extreme sensitivity to literature
or art or something like that.
[eerie music droning]
I had panic attacks. Now, panic attacks
are different than anxiety attacks.
Anxiety attacks, you get very nervous.
Panic attacks, impending doom.
You actually think you're gonna die.
It says somewhere in here,
some fuckin' thing,
about that you went
to a mental institution.
Oh, several times. Not just once.
-More than once?
-Hell yeah.
Yeah, baby.
So what were you in for?
Um well, the first time I went in,
I was real young,
and I got hit by a car,
and I got a catastrophic head injury.
A concussion, which I always
[Larry] What do you make of Roseanne Barr?
[Norm] Well, she gave me my first job
in Hollywood. I worked on her show.
Remember Roseanne?
-I kinda remember.
-[Norm] That was fuckin' awesome.
Wasn't that fuckin' awesome?
Oh, go to hell.
This is hell!
[Larry] It seems to me,
one of the most unique arts,
to write for someone else.
Yeah, you have
to, like, get into their body.
Right.
And she has a giant body,
so it's not that hard to get into.
No, I've never been
inside Roseanne's body.
I know that.
Hey, what'd I tell you
about eating cookies before dinner?
-To use a plate?
-Right.
She hired me 'cause I was a stand-up.
Everybody else was Harvard writers,
and she didn't care for Harvard people.
Well, I guess it sorta rots out your brain
or something
and kills your creative instincts.
-If you go to Harvard.
-Yeah.
Remember when I used
to make you all wear numbers?
[Norm] Yeah.
I made 'em all T-shirts. One to 23.
Norm wouldn't wear a number. He refused.
That's it. I'm not making any more calls.
You do the rest of the family list.
I can't call people, Roseanne!
[Roseanne] Me and you both found out today
that's one of our favorite scenes ever.
And that Norm is the person
that wrote that scene.
[woman] He wrote it. I know.
Auntie Barbara? It's Jackie.
Jackie.
I'm fine.
-Fine!
-[laughter]
I'm fine.
I have some bad news.
Dad is not with us anymore.
I said Dad has passed away.
He's passed away!
Dad is gone!
Dad's dead!
He's dead!
No, dead!
Dad!
He's fine! He sends his love!
Bye!
I am not doing that again!
You can't make me!
[Tom] Look in the camera.
Stop looking at yourself.
Yeah, now it's like we're on the CNN.
Look in the camera,
and ask Norm a question.
Okay, I heard a lot of rumors
about, like, Saturday Night Live
and what happened and why you quit
or why you weren't on anymore.
Was it because they were writing you
crappy jokes, or what was going on?
[Tom] What happened there?
No, they just they just they just,
you know, as happens in show business,
you get fired sometimes.
Some guy from Ottawa calling up, asking
you uncomfortable questions, you know?
[jazzy piano music playing]
[Norm] If I am remembered,
it will always be by the four years
I spent at Saturday Night Live.
And maybe even more than that,
by the events surrounding
my departure from that show.
You don't mind if I ask you a question?
I hear this story,
and now there's this press release
that you got your ass fired.
You didn't get fired.
-Yeah, they fired me.
-No, they didn't.
No, I'm serious. I I
I talked to a guy that said I'm fired.
Fired from your television job?
-You know I do the news segment?
-Yeah, the Weekend Update.
And I do the jokes, I do--
Sometimes, many a times,
the best part of the show.
-Yeah.
-[scattered applause]
[cheering and applause]
But, uh
-It's all opinion. That's your opinion.
-That's my opinion.
The guys that can fire me?
That's not their opinion.
Why would they fire you?
[Norm] OJ Simpson's lawyers say
they don't want the families
of Nicole Brown and Ronald Goldman
in the courtroom during the trial.
They're afraid the presence
of the family members
will just remind OJ of how much
more killing he still has to do.
[laughter]
[Conan] I think in any great movement,
you can have the right tool,
but you have to have the moment too.
You just can't have
The two have to come together.
And a new shocker in the OJ Simpson trial
The OJ Simpson trial.
And OJ announced that he's coming out
with a new book.
[Conan] The OJ trial happens,
and you and Norm are writing these jokes
that are so fucking fantastic.
They're just razor blades,
and Norm is the perfect person
to deliver them.
In his book, OJ Simpson says
that he would have taken a bullet
or stood in front of a train for Nicole.
Man, I'm gonna tell you,
that is some bad luck
when the one guy who would've died for you
kills you. That's probably
One of the people at the top at NBC
was a good friend of OJ's.
He was his closest friend.
Don Ohlmeyer.
This guy Don Ohlmeyer.
This character Don Ohlmeyer.
He's the president of NBC, you see.
[mysterious electronic music playing]
[man] Ohlmeyer was the most aggressive
network exec
the show had ever dealt with,
and he had lots of ideas.
Well, in a questionable move
by the defense team this week,
OJ Simpson demonstrated
how to stab two people at the same time.
[man] Every week, I would hear from Lorne,
and I knew it was Ohlmeyer
calling him to complain,
but Lorne would go, like,
"How is it that you and Norm
seem to be the only people
absolutely convinced of OJ's guilt?"
[Norm] I was very naive,
and there were people hanging around
the hallways in blue suits.
I thought they were pages.
Turned out they were
super powerful people.
And But they wouldn't introduce
themselves, so they'd go, like,
"You guys should lighten up,
you know, maybe on the OJ joke,"
and I go I go, "Thanks."
"Can you get me a cup of coffee?"
'cause I thought they were pages!
-[man] Right.
-I didn't know.
In a brilliant move
during closing arguments,
Simpson attorney Johnnie Cochran
put on the knit cap
prosecutors say OJ wore
the night he committed the murders.
Although OJ may have hurt
his case when he suddenly blurted out,
"Hey, easy with that!
That's my lucky stabbin' hat!"
And in Brentwood, OJ himself
was spotted manning a lemonade stand.
-Who would this be. Hello?
-[dramatic music playing]
-[man] Hey, Norm. What's up? It's OJ.
-OJ! Hey!
Prince Charles released an autobiography.
The book is entitled
Of Course OJ Did It, I Mean, Come On.
The Pope came out with a book this week,
God Himself Told Me That OJ Is Guilty.
Green Eggs and Ham and OJ Is Guilty.
Big bucketful of OJ's DNA.
Without any of OJ's blood on it.
[music fades out]
Well, it is finally official.
Murder is legal
in the state of California.
[cheering and applause]
And the manhunt continues.
A new witness saw three men
fleeing the crime scene.
Police have released this sketch.
In addition, the restaurant
must now offer separate murderer
and non-murderer sections.
But OJ Simpson, depressed that all
of his money-making ideas have failed,
has decided to go back
to doing what he does best.
Killing people.
[laughter]
[cheering and applause]
Now, why would they fire you?
Who fired you?
Let's get some names.
Let's get this on the record.
This guy Don Ohlmeyer,
who turns out to be the president.
I know Don Ohlmeyer,
and between you and me, he's an idiot.
-Oh!
-[laughter]
[cheering and applause]
I phoned him, and he goes,
"I'm firing you there from the show,"
and then I I said, uh
"Oh, that's not good."
You know?
And then I said, "Why is that now?"
And he goes, uh, "Oh, you're not funny."
And then I said, uh I said, "Holy Lord.
That's even worse news." You know?
Because no I don't got nothing
to fall back on.
[cheering]
No, no, he's a good man.
He just fired you! What do you mean?
-What is wrong with you?
-[playful music playing]
[Norm] He didn't think I was funny.
-He said that to you?
-Yeah.
-"I don't think you're funny."
-Yeah.
[Norm] The president of the network
phoned me.
-[Larry] Don Ohlmeyer
-Don Ohlmeyer.
He said that he didn't like me,
didn't think I was funny.
-[Larry] Were you hurt?
-Oh no, I was thrilled.
No, I've been fired before,
like, you know, from the Chicken Shack.
But they didn't say I wasn't funny.
[David] I worked for Don Ohlmeyer
when I was at NBC,
and here's a guy who could not create gas
after a bean dinner.
He said you're not funny, number one,
which you are.
He's a skunk.
I said nothing against Don Ohlmeyer
after being fired. Not one thing.
A lot of other people
said things against him
because it made a good story.
I just feel like Don Ohlmeyer has, like,
gone through a lot of problems. He was
People said he sexually harassed women,
and he went
you know, that he was a drunk.
-And all this.
-[man] Who said that?
-Well, he went to rehab.
-[man] He did?
This is a good way of introducing that
and still saying he's a good guy.
-No, he is a good guy.
-You are an amazingly calculated man.
-You are vicious.
-[woman] A vicious man.
[man] You don't think
anyone's seeing through this?
But hey, man. I hope
I don't know. What do I hope, Robin?
-It works out for you.
-[man] I hope it works out.
[synth pop music playing]
Chevy Chase, along with Don Rickles
and Jack Warden, are among the cast
of the movie Dirty Work,
which is currently filming in Toronto.
I met a guy Pardon me.
I met a fella down there, and
Get this. Get this.
Guy says to me He says to me He says
He says He says He says He says
He says to me He says
Get this. You're gonna love this.
Walk in there and stay
you know, we're right by [indistinct]
500 times I must've gone by there.
So this guy says to me
He says He says He says
[Norm] So I had an offer to do a movie.
It's unbearable to live next door
to that house.
[Norm] The movie would be about a guy
who is good at getting revenge.
So he and his buddy open
a revenge-for-hire business.
I fell in love
with the script when I read it.
-[woman] And you also helped write it.
-[Norm] I wrote it, yeah.
-It smells like fish in here.
-[man 1] Is that a signal?
-You wearing a wire?
-[man 2] No.
-It really does smell like fish in here.
-[man 1] You're a damn cop, ain't ya?
-That's it. Say hello to the devil for me!
-[gunshot]
-[clattering]
-[yelling]
-[man 3] Behind you!
-[gunshots]
[man 1] Ah! I've been hit!
Pablo, kill them!
Kill them!
Make your gun fight
like the devil himself!
Bleed in hell, you bastards!
Sweet Jesus, he got me!
-[man] I directed it.
-Yeah.
We had fun, and you and I, we bonded
from the moment the thing started.
[commotion]
[man] God, is that a hand grenade?
[boom]
[smashing, clattering]
[Norm] The shooting of the film
was a blast,
but getting to work with such experienced
and talented movie actors
proved to be a double-edged sword.
I apologize for being such a creep,
you rotten bastard.
[Norm] Now, I understand
that all swords have two edges,
so let me save some time
by taking that back
and just saying that getting to work with
such experienced and talented movie stars
was a sword.
On its opening weekend,
Dirty Work grossed $250 million.
Hike!
Go!
-[yelling]
-God!
Oh my God!
Was that right or left?
-They never expected deep!
-[man] You dropped the ball!
[lively theme music playing]
Norm is here. Norm, so much in the news,
every time I turn around!
-[woman] What do you make of this?
-What do I make of it?
-What's the point?
-The point of what?
-The point they're trying to make.
-Who?
-Oh, um
-You gotta explain to the people.
No, they read the papers.
Yeah, they know
that NBC has banned promotion
or commercials featuring your movie
on their network.
So this character, Don Ohlmeyer,
he's the president of NBC, you see.
-[man] Yeah.
-And he hates me.
-But you've only met him one time.
-I've only met him once.
So this is not a personal reason
that he hates you?
Yes, he hates me personally.
I like Norm. I was the one
who put him on Weekend Update.
In the paper today there,
you got the TV Post, right?
-Picture with a big X through my head.
-[David] What the hell is that all about?
I had no bad feelings
about Norm whatsoever.
So Don has decided not to run any ads
for my movie on his network, NBC.
[booing]
He went on and did a movie
that nobody went to see, so you know.
-[David] What is goin' on?
-I don't understand it.
[David] Did you do something?
Bust into his house?
No, I didn't do I don't understand
First of all,
'cause I get kinda depressed sometimes
'cause this guy,
he's best friends with OJ Simpson.
-And that's fine.
-Is that true?
Yes, they are best friends.
-How can he not like me?
-Yeah.
Was he told not to do OJ jokes?
Quite to the contrary.
It's such a lame excuse
for somebody who was failing.
They won't advertise my movie on NBC,
and then, just before I came to the show,
they tell me
they have canceled all these interviews.
The word came down,
you can't book Norm Macdonald anymore.
And it came from the top.
All it was about for me was winning.
And trying to win with good shows.
That's all I cared about.
I
I find it fascinating.
You make thousands of decisions.
[man] Yeah.
And one of 'em haunts you
for the rest of your life.
[Norm] After I got fired
from Weekend Update,
everyone supported me.
But then I thought,
if you were a network president,
you go, "Hey,
do I really wanna hire that guy Norm,
who, if all of a sudden I fire him,
he fucking ruins my life?"
You know the worst thing that happened
to me? I never told anybody this.
But a week
after I left Saturday Night Live,
I got a call from Rob Burnett.
David Letterman's producer.
He said, "I got some bad news for ya."
And I said, "What?" And he goes,
"You're not getting the 12:30 slot."
And I didn't know
I was up for the 12:30 slot.
And he goes,
"We're giving it to Craig Kilborn."
And I was like, "God damn.
You don't have to tell anybody every"
-You can keep some shit to yourself.
-Yeah.
Now you're doing the show now, though.
Oh yeah, it's all come full
-Yeah, it's great.
-That's true.
I've never looked at it that way.
I lost the 12:30 slot,
but if I hadn't lost the 12:30 slot,
it wouldn't have led me to do a podcast.
-Worldwide. Worldwide. It's worldwide.
-Yeah.
-When one door opens
-Yeah.
What about the ManGrate?
-Is that, like, a genital cleanser?
-No!
No, my God!
It is 100% made in America,
cast iron grilling grates.
It's revolutionizing the way people grill.
-You wanna hear what it has?
-Yeah.
It has heavy-duty grilling grates.
Deliver exactly what you need
to achieve that perfect steakhouse flavor.
Chicken, steak has never tasted so good.
And now, we found out
we lost ManGrate as a sponsor.
Earlier today, I think, we were told,
legally, we can't say
we lost them as a sponsor even.
And there's Charles Woodson.
How about that? What a season he had.
He became the first defensive player
to with the Heisman Trophy.
Congratulations, Charles.
That is something that no one can ever
take away from you.
Unless you kill your wife
and a waiter, in which case
all bets are off then, so
Just a word of advice.
[Conan] Andy, you said something once.
"That guy doesn't care
in a way that frightens me."
And what you meant was, uh
he he had this seeming,
like, indifference
about whether the crowd liked it or not.
He was going to do
what he was going to do.
My wife went into a coma.
[Conan] Oh. Sorry to hear that.
And, uh the doctor said to me,
and you won't hear this
from any 1935 comic,
he says to me,
"There's one way to wake her up,
but it's a little unconventional."
"You go in there and you have
oral sex with her." I said, "By God."
He says, "I've seen it work."
I said, "Well, I'm willing to try."
So I go in there. I'm in there
about five minutes, then I come out.
I said, "Doc, she's choking."
[laughter and applause]
[electronic beat plays, stops]
And it's important
to understand how your actions
affect the people around you.
Oh, I see we have someone new
joining us this week.
Would you like to start first?
Well, I just wanted to say that, uh
I used to think I was better
than you people, you know?
And then, uh,
something happened to me recently
where I realized that I have a problem
'cause, uh, something I did
really hurt my brother.
So I just wanted to say
that, uh, I have an addiction too,
and uh and I need help.
Hi, my name is Tony,
and I haven't had sex
with a dead person in over two weeks.
[canned laughter]
Wait a minute.
This isn't Gamblers Anonymous.
It must be down the hall!
I just wanna say something.
Remember earlier when I said
I wasn't better than you people?
I am! I'm better than you people.
[light piano music playing]
[Norm] The only thing I said is,
"Well, Seinfeld has a sitcom."
"I think I can act
as good as Jerry Seinfeld."
Listen, John. Let me tell you
something about women, all right?
They're just as afraid of you
as you are of them.
No, wait. That's snakes. I'm sorry.
Tell us about The Norm Show!
You look like you're having fun.
Oh yeah, The Norm Show?
Yeah, that's on the TV.
You got a beautiful ass.
[Norm] They were gonna call the character
Dave, and I could never.
Every time another dude
in the scene went, "Hey, Dave,"
I I wouldn't even look, you know?
Finally, the director goes,
"Can't we just call him Norm?"
-So, Norm.
-Norm.
[all] Norm!
-Do you have trouble memorizing lines?
-I suck so bad at that, man.
Every script probably has,
like, six, 700 words in it.
And you have
to memorize them all in order.
In order! Yeah.
-Could you hand me the paper?
-Oh yeah, sure.
-This toilet paper?
-Yeah.
Ah, you're on the toilet!
[laughter]
-You enjoying doing the show?
-Yeah, yeah, it's fun.
You get to hang out and, uh and act.
-You like that, though?
-[Norm] What?
That acting thing.
I don't like to act.
-That doesn't feel right!
-No, don't worry.
If I don't know what I'm doing, I'll come
out and say I don't know what I'm doing.
Actors look on me
the way vampires look on Count Chocula.
[laughter]
Hey, Billy. Who would you rather bone?
Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson?
Jack Nicholson now or 1974?
'74.
-Meg Ryan.
-Go.
-Go, go, go!
-[all chanting] Go, go, go, go!
[Norm] Something happened,
and they started thinking
stand-ups would make good actors.
[man] Yeah.
But it's actually the opposite that's true
because, as a stand-up,
it's just you not relating to anyone,
just talking to yourself, basically.
Now, I live in LA.
Everybody goes to parties in LA,
and I go too, but I'm no good at 'em.
Here's my problem. I have no opinions.
You know how people have opinions?
I don't got none. I
Like, political and stuff.
Sometimes, before I go to a party,
I'll just turn on the TV,
and whatever that guy said, I'll say that.
I've heard you say
that you don't follow politics,
and people are often surprised
that you don't, given that
you were the host of Weekend Update.
Yes, they are. Yeah.
But I feel like politics
are just gossip, really.
But listen, there's important things
going on in the world.
It's raining in the forests.
[laughter]
And I don't wanna get too political
with you, but it's a true fact.
-[man] You're not a political comic.
-[Norm] I'm not political.
I've only said things on purpose
to provoke people.
Please welcome Norm Macdonald.
[upbeat theme music playing]
[Norm] Either a Republican or a Democrat,
I think you're both idiots 'cause you have
to believe in all their ten beliefs
or all these other ten beliefs,
and I think that's ridiculous.
I think you should be able
to pick and choose what you believe.
I did a a weird thing on The View.
-I don't know. Do you want me to tell you?
-Yeah, yeah.
So this is what had happened to me
a month previously.
-I got a call from this guy, Ben Stein.
-[mysterious music playing]
Hello, I'm Ben Stein.
-Know that guy?
-[Tom] Sure.
So he said, "How'd you like to meet, uh,
George Bush? He's running for president."
So I go, "That would be cool."
Meet a guy running for president.
Maybe later he'll become president
and I'll be his buddy
'cause this is how naive I was.
'Cause I knew him two months
before he became president.
-[Tom] Right.
-So, in Hollywood, obviously very liberal.
So Gore showed up,
and it was, like, Barbra Streisand
and every giant star in Hollywood, right?
So when Bush, plane came down,
literally it was me and Ben Stein.
We were the celebrities.
I got to go on his airplane and talk
to him. I talked to the guy for an hour.
-[Tom] Got to hang out.
-[Norm] Yeah.
It was really cool.
I don't know anything about politics,
but it's cool to meet the guy
who might be the president
[Tom] Yeah.
[Norm] So anyways,
the lady from The View goes,
"Take a look at this picture.
What's goin' on here?" Right?
And it's just a picture of me
with the guy running for president,
but the way they said it, it was like
they had a picture of Kurt Waldheim
with Hitler in the fuckin' woods, right?
-[host] You like George Bush.
-I love George Bush.
Just to be crazy.
Just 'cause they gotta get under my skin.
I don't know nothin' about politics.
I said
You know, he's not a liar,
a crook, murderer, anything like that,
so it'd be good to get the
See, I think we should get
the homicide out of the White House
and get, like, a a fresh start
'cause we don't want any more murderers.
I think we should
just go on to the next question.
-Who are the murderers?
-Bill Clinton. He murdered a guy.
No, you're not allowed
to put out accusations.
That's a little too far.
Let's just go on to the next question.
You know,
but I'm acting like everybody knows that.
-Did you never hear that?
-No.
-We don't need to talk about that!
-And I don't wanna hear it.
And this is not the place
to make accusations.
And you're supposed to be funny!
Let's get on with it!
-Exactly.
-So get with it!
There you go.
This is a live show!
[woman] Norm, but you have been
properly chastised by Barbara,
so I'm now going to ask the next question.
-I thought it was a matter of record!
-Shut up! Shut up!
I remember she kept going, like,
"You're one piece of work, mister."
-Like, getting really mad.
-[Tom] Really taking you seriously.
-Not remembering that
-That I'm a comedian.
[Tom] the jokes on Weekend Update.
-Why don't we talk about the Millionaire?
-Yeah.
Tonight, Norm Macdonald and I are
on the Millionaire tonight.
Tell 'em about that, how
You thought he was dumb today.
Wait till you see him tonight!
[laughter]
He just got it for a half a million!
Oh my God.
[dramatic theme music playing]
[host] You are absolutely amazing.
I gotta tell you that.
I'm really proud of you. Now,
let's let's look at it for a million.
You got a little gambling streak in you,
don't you?
You wanna see
if you can beat the game, don't you?
I was thinking of Pinehurst,
but you say don't go with the obvious,
so I'll say Greenbrier.
Please, before you say final answer, Norm.
I'm not kidding.
468,000, unless you're sure.
[Norm] Okay, fine. Forget it.
-Do you do you wanna walk?
-What?
Do you
I have to find out if you wanna walk away.
Well, no. I was gonna answer a question,
but you told me
-I quit.
-I think Pinehurst is too obvious.
So I guess I will say Green
What's the matter? Greenbrier.
What are you making that face for?
Forget it.
-I'm scared to death!
-Give me the half.
-I'll just get the half a million dollars.
-All right.
-What do you think? Take a guess.
-I have no idea.
-I said my guesses. I guess I was wrong.
-Did you say Greenbrier?
-I said Yeah.
-Yeah, you woulda won a million.
Oh! What?!
Five hundred thousand. Come on. Be happy.
[woman] Could've won a million.
[Norm] I won a half a million dollars,
but I didn't get to keep it.
I had to give it to a charity.
What charity did you give it to?
Well, I always wanted to meet Paul Newman,
so, uh, it turns out he has
this great charity for sick children,
and I thought, uh,
"Hey, this fits in perfectly
with my desire to meet Paul Newman."
-[woman] Did you get to meet him?
-[Norm] No.
[woman] No?
[Norm] Uh, he sent me a letter,
but then I felt guilty, like, uh
that I'd given this money
to sick children only to meet Paul Newman,
so I talked it over with my Lord,
and I decided it was
it was a venal thing I'd done.
Well, it was you had good intentions.
-And maybe--
-No, I had bad intentions.
-I ended up with good
-Good actions.
It had a good result. I had a good result,
and I didn't pay off on my bad intention,
so it turned out it was all right.
All right, so you're back.
You got to do Wiseguys
last time you were in Utah on the show.
And Utahns were like, "Whoo, Norm!"
Yeah, they went crazy, man.
I found myself a beautiful, uh
three beautiful wives when I was here.
Good! I'm glad we could do that for you.
Did he chase women? Did he have a wife?
I never met a wife.
He has a son, Dylan, who's really cool.
[man] So he musta did sex once.
[woman] When was the last time
you had sex?
[Norm] Probably ten years ago.
-[woman] Shut up.
-[man] Shut up.
'Cause I think sex is one
of the most disgusting fucking
What are you doing, man?
I'm drinking some wine. I'm trying
to get the rest out of the bottle.
-[man] You're kidd This is a bit.
-[Norm] No, it's not.
I'm so ashamed that I have sex.
But I think a lot of people are ashamed
of it
'cause I never see anybody fuckin'.
Like, where do you go when you fuck?
You go in your house and lock the doors.
You pull the blinds down, right?
What's that? That's shame.
I think people have sex
knowing that it's shameful.
Argh rargh ah!
And again, it's like death.
They just live in this fool's paradise
where they pretend it's not.
Argh!
[man 1] You don't even know
if he's married or single.
[man 2] It says you're dating
Elle Macpherson again.
-It doesn't say that.
-[man 2] It does. I swear it does.
[man 3] I was in Vegas, and I saw Norm
there with some really hot girl.
[Norm] I had a lot of sex
when I was a young man.
It's just the same thing over and over.
Ice cream's really good too
until you're tired of it, you know?
[woman] Then the next day,
you try a different flavor.
-Remember when you sucked off that guy?
-Yeah. Wait, what?
He he always did so many gay jokes, but
I never knew him to be gay or anything.
Tony Curtis was one piece of ass.
You remember Have you ever seen
I have an oral fixation,
my doctor tells me, which is not good.
-How does he know that?
-I was suckin' his cock.
Straight women suck cock.
Do you suck cock?
Gay guys suck cock.
As long as your cock is involved
-Straight guys suck cock.
-Let me tell you something.
What's something people don't know
about you?
I'm a deeply closeted gay guy?
-No kidding?
-I'm not comin' out, though.
Wait a minute,
what are you revealing here today?
I'm I'm not revealing anything.
I'm saying I'm deeply closeted.
But that means you're gay.
I'm not gay.
I said I'm deeply closeted.
-Wait.
-I'm as straight as an arrow.
Wait, so you're a gay man
who won't admit it?
No, no. Do you know
what deeply closeted means?
It means a man
who will not acknowledge that he's gay.
Yes.
So I'm telling you I'm not gay!
[Conan] I have always said to people,
if you really wanna see
what it looks like when I am laughing,
watch a Norm Macdonald segment.
You are making a movie
with Carrot Top, right?
I made a movie with Carrot Top.
Wait a minute. She left Melrose Place
to do a movie with Carrot Top?
That's where I'm going, my friend.
If it's got Carrot Top,
you know what a good name would be?
-What's that, Norm?
-Box Office Poison.
[laughter]
-I'm in it too! Come on!
-She's in it.
Wherever I go, people say,
"Oh my God. Were you and Norm enemies?"
"'Cause he really ripped on you."
I'm like, "No." One, we're comics.
And two, it was a fucking joke,
and it was funny, and it was a good movie.
-Title undetermined at this point.
-Chairman of the Board.
Oh, all right.
Do something with that, you freak.
And
I bet "board" is spelled B-O-R-E-D.
[laughter]
[cheering and applause]
[Conan] That was one
of the funniest things--
[Norm] Well, I feel
I actually feel bad about that.
I never got into comedy
to to hurt anyone's feelings.
And sometimes, people go
at a show, they'll go,
"Please attack my brother. Make him feel
like a piece of shit." You know?
-"'Cause it's his wedding day!"
-[man] Yeah.
And I go,
"I don't really like to do that."
And, uh and then one time,
I did this roast
uh
Bob Saget roast.
Another seminal moment in my life.
You were so funny.
So many people talked about that.
[man 1] If you haven't seen it,
google "Bob Saget roast."
-[man 2] The story of
-[man 3] The Saget roast.
[man 4] I wanna know
why Norm told all those weird jokes
at the Bob Saget roast.
[Norm] Saget said,
"Can you come and roast me?"
And Saget's a nice guy,
and I said, "Fuck, I don't know."
He goes, "Come on." He kept pushing it.
Bob's a great man. Bob's a great man.
And a good woman.
We've been together for a while now.
[Bob] We'd been through a bunch of stuff,
and he said, "Saget, I can't say
mean things about you. You're my friend."
"I don't even wanna do it,
but I'm gonna do it 'cause it's you."
[Norm] I don't
I guess I don't like roasts.
His career's totally insignificant!
I googled Bob Saget,
and it came back, "Why?"
[dramatic orchestral music playing]
I met your girlfriend. She's lovely.
And one good thing we know is
at least she's not a star fucker.
Bob, you are a genital wart
on the cock of American culture.
Bob Saget directed
Norm Macdonald's movie Dirty Work.
A move that transformed Norm Macdonald
into a star
bucks employee.
Did you say something after "star?"
It was the night before,
and the guy who produces these roasts,
he goes, "Just be shocking."
Please welcome
the incoherent Norm Macdonald.
[cheering and applause]
[Norm] Cloris Leachman is here. Cloris.
If people say you're over the hill,
don't believe them.
Why, you'll never be over the hill.
Not in the car you drive.
[polite, soft laughter]
Greg Giraldo is here.
He has the grace of a swan, the wisdom
of an owl, and the eye of an eagle.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this man is for the birds.
[scattered laughter]
Susie Essman, of course,
is famous for being a vegetarian.
Hey, she may be a vegetarian,
but she's still full of baloney
in my book. I
People literally thought I was crazy.
[man] Everyone was laughing their ass off.
-[Norm] No, they weren't.
-[man laughs]
Bob has a beautiful face like a flower.
Yeah, a cauliflower.
No offense, but your face
looks
like a cauliflower.
[laughter becomes more enthusiastic]
I took him to a ball game,
and he came toting
a double-barreled shotgun.
Bob said, "I heard
the lions were playing the tigers."
-You remember that?
-Yeah.
[Norm] When I started comedy,
my dad gave me a book,
uh, like, 101 Insults
to Tell a Guy at His Retirement Party.
So that's where I got the jokes.
No, there are times
when Bob has something on his mind.
When he wears a hat!
[scattered laughter]
[man] How fucking brilliant
because he didn't wanna roast his friend.
No thoughts at all. Just a hat.
[man] They cut out about eight minutes
that, it was you know, it was quiet.
How can you not get that?
[scattered applause and laughter]
This concludes
the joke
[enthusiastic cheering and applause]
[Norm] In all seriousness,
Bob is the first comedian
that I ever saw perform
uh, when I was a boy, live,
and, uh, I loved him.
Uh but one thing that bonds us
as comedians is we're bitter
and jealous, and
and we hate everyone else
that has any success.
But Bob, honestly, has never had
an unkind word for anybody,
and I love him,
and I hope, uh, everybody else does, so
uh I just wanted to say that. Thank you.
[cheering and applause]
[man] The people that he really loved,
um he would tell them.
And when people got him,
it meant the world to him.
Norm Macdonald!
-You know what I find?
-What?
I don't know if you find this,
but I find that, uh
people often misunderstand you,
maybe because you did something
in show business or so forth,
and so, in show business,
I always consider myself
just a stand-up comedian.
That's right.
Because that's what I did
most of the time in my life.
That's right.
But for a short time,
I was on, uh uh Weekend Update
on Saturday Night Live,
And some of the jokes were
a little a little caustic.
-A little rough.
-Yeah.
And so I think people began
to think that was me.
-Do you know what I mean?
-Of course I know what you mean.
What are the best things
in your life right now?
Um the best thing is my son.
-[Conan] You got a kid?
-[Norm] I got a beautiful little kid.
-How old is he?
-He's 3. He's the greatest.
-[Norm] He's 6.
-[David] Oh, great.
I wanna say 6.
He's gotta be at least 8.
He's 10 or 15.
-He's 18. They get far less cute.
-Yeah.
[Norm] It's a crazy life.
[Dylan] But it's ours.
-Hey, don't you gotta go to school?
-Yeah.
Do you have to Do you have homework?
Did you do your homework?
-Yeah.
-They give you homework there?
Yep.
When he's first born, you know this,
it's the most exciting thing
that that's ever happened to you,
you know?
And, uh, I'll never forget it,
and then six months later,
I went hang gliding.
Way more exciting.
I named him after
the literary figure Dagwood Bumstead.
[David] Yeah! [chuckles]
-Yeah.
-No, his name is Dylan.
When you have a child, like, you realize
the love that your parents have for you.
And the brontosaurus? What'd he eat?
Plants.
Well, brontosaurus was really big,
wasn't he?
-Yeah.
-He musta had to eat a lot of plants.
-But you know what?
-What.
I saw this other dinosaur in my book
that had a really, really long neck.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
-My son Dylan. You know my son Dylan.
-[man] We're getting the phones out?
-Well, Dylan, during the break, I--
-He said he had questions for me. Sure.
I remember Dylan as a kid.
I haven't seen him lately,
but I know he's a big studly dude now.
I said, "I'm interviewing David Spade.
Do you have a question?" He says,
"That's really cool.
I do not, off the top of my head."
-Have you ever texted with Norm?
-No, I haven't.
He just goes he waits days,
then at three in the morning,
"Hello?"
I go, "Norm, what are you doing?"
"Are you answering me from four days ago?
Is that what you're doing?"
"Dave! It's Norm!"
"Do you like money?"
I would text Norm, and I'd be, like,
"Hey, what's up, man? What are you doing?"
And he would go, "What? Who's this?"
And I'd go, "It's Swardson."
"Do you not have my phone number saved
in your phone?"
And he goes,
"Yeah, no. How do you do that?"
"You save the number or what?"
And I go,
"Yeah, you save it. It's a phone."
Come and sit.
The football game is about to begin.
I don't drink, so I don't go to bars.
That cuts almost all social life out,
and then I don't like going to restaurants
and eating for long periods of time.
I've been to, uh, six Hollywood parties
in my life,
and I got, uh, two jobs.
-So, uh that was pretty good.
-[man] Yeah.
[Norm] That's the thing I really have
to try to focus on in my life
is getting outside of my apartment
and talking to human beings.
Mostly I'm alone in my apartment.
[chuckles]
[soft piano music playing]
[computer keyboard clacking]
[notification bird tweet]
[bird tweet]
[bird tweet]
[bird tweet]
[bird tweet]
[bird tweet]
[David] I'm very surprised
and impressed about this,
that you've built kind of like
a a Twitter following.
Yes, well, I'm an Internet sensation.
Whoa!
[Norm] You know, I live alone.
I think a lot.
So I sort of live in a fantasy world.
The only real joy I get,
other than I love watching comedy,
I read a lot of literature.
[bird tweet]
These people know everything
about the human condition,
so all you have to do is read them.
It's better than experiencing things
in life. That's for sure.
[music fades out]
I was thinking that, uh, doctors can't
give you good news, you know?
Like, you never go to your doctor
and he goes, "Hey, man."
"Checked out your blood panels today,
and you're immortal."
-[laughter]
-"So, uh"
"So you don't have
to come back no more, but, uh"
They can't do that. Instead, they go,
"We looked at the blood, and nothing yet."
"But, uh keep coming back every year,
and then, one day,
I'll tell you something
that'll shatter your fuckin' mind."
"You'll probably be weeping.
I've seen it many times. Weeping."
-I go to my doctor, right?
-[man] Right.
My doctor says, "You are fat."
I said, "How fat am I?"
He said, "You're so fat that,
uh, if you don't stop within a month,
you could have a heart attack or stroke."
[man] That's not funny.
-Well, he's not a comedian.
-No. I was expecting a joke.
-You were expecting a joke?
-Yeah, I thought it sounded--
-From my cardiologist?
-I guess
-Anyways
-Listen, well, all right. What did--
I'm not eating well.
I know that. I understand.
-What did we--
-We don't need video evidence.
We don't need to go to video, but what did
we eat right before this podcast?
-You had "toh-fu."
-It's toe-fu.
-Toe-fu.
-Tofu.
What'd you have?
I had, uh three whole
fried chickens.
-What else?
-[expectant guitar music playing]
-I Biscuits and gravy.
-And?
-I don't wanna say that third thing.
-What else?
-What was the other thing?
-Whatever, lard.
[playful piano music playing]
I'm being a big fat guy now
for a for a movie.
I'm doing it for a movie.
For a role in a movie.
-You're gonna do a movie?
-No, I'm not doing one.
But I think movies
always need a big fat guy.
-[Larry] So you're ready.
-Yeah, I'm ready.
My doctor's getting very rude.
The last time I went to him,
he said, "Open your mouth and say 'oink.'"
[somber guitar music playing]
They say the world's a smaller place
than it used to be,
but I think that's an optical illusion
based on me becoming a big fat guy.
Say what you want about how huge
and fat my head has gotten,
but you'll, who'll Oh, forget it.
I was always taught that the nature
of art was to conceal, not reveal.
I'm a big fat guy now. I don't wanna
be seen with thin ladies. You know?
What they do now is confessional comedy.
I like a woman
who knows her way around a funnel cake.
But when people confess things,
and they're told how brave they are,
you know,
because they have cancer or something,
and they talk about it
Well, everyone has cancer.
I mean, it's not rare at all.
My doctor told me I should start juicing.
-You know?
-[man] You mean--
The problem is,
I don't think he meant ham juicing.
[man] So stupid.
The brave thing to do if you have cancer
-Really?
-Well, I'm fat!
is to not talk about it.
I'm so fat, when I get my shoes shined, I
have to take the bootblack's word for it.
[man laughing]
[Norm] I remember, Richard Farnsworth
was an old character actor,
and he did a David Lynch movie
called The Straight Story.
It was based on a guy
who, in actual real life,
drove his riding lawnmower
across the state
to visit his brother who was dying.
And it was
Richard Farnsworth's last movie.
Very frail. Riddled with cancer, you know?
So anyways, the point of it is
that Richard Farnsworth
was nominated for an Academy Award
for the movie.
And if he had said
he was he was filled with cancer,
he would've won, for sure.
I hope it is all not downhill from here.
[Norm] But instead, he didn't say it.
In fact, no one knew it.
He kept it from everyone.
He didn't wanna cause people distress.
I thought, "Wow, how incredible."
To go through it alone.
See, in the old days, a man could just
get sick and die. You know?
Now, they have to wage a battle.
So so my Uncle Burt is waging
a a courageous battle.
[laughter]
Which I've seen 'cause I go and visit him.
And this is the battle.
He's lying in a hospital bed
with a thing in his arm,
watching Matlock on the TV.
Instead of that battle, I
I got him the box set of Matlock, and
It's not his fault. What the fuck's
he supposed to do? Go, "I got you?"
It's just a black thing in his bowel.
And the reason I don't like it is
'cause in the old days, they'd go, "Hey."
"That old man died."
Now, they go, "Hey."
"He he lost his battle."
That's no way to end your life, you know?
"What a loser that guy was."
"Last thing he did was lose."
And I'm pretty sure
I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure
if the cancer dies
I mean, if you die,
the cancer also dies
at exactly the same time.
So that, to me, is not a loss.
That's a draw.
That's a You know what I mean?
It's not like, fuckin'
the cancer's gonna jump up and go,
"I'm fucking Uncle Burt's wife.
Where is he?"
"I won fair and square."
But with comedy, was it the performance
side you liked first or the writing?
Writing. I liked just to write.
What is it
with Twitter and, uh the short stories?
You seem to like that form.
You express yourself well. People like it.
-I like writing a great deal. You know?
-Yeah.
It doesn't matter to me the source,
but the greatest writers are novelists.
You got your, uh you got your book there.
Oh yeah, yeah. Let me read some of it.
You don't have to do that.
You don't You don't have to do that.
That's rich.
Funny books are impossible to write.
-Impossible.
-Impossible.
-So much work.
-Oh yeah.
It took me so long to crack it.
But you wanted to do it?
I wanted to do it,
and I only got one in me. You know?
-Right.
-And, uh and I got it.
But yeah, the goddamn New York Times
wouldn't wouldn't make it fiction.
Because if they had,
God knows where we'd be now.
Well, no. People The thing is, people
then it would have been reviewed.
Oh.
Because no serious reviewer is gonna
is gonna review a celebrity memoir.
Right.
-So it made me very sad.
-I'm sorry.
No, it's all right.
It's only five years of my life.
Agh! Gah!
Your last Letterman,
with the World War I and II bit,
I have never heard
more comics talk about a bit.
-Oh really?
-For weeks and weeks.
There is one country
that worries me, though.
Not Iraq. Not Iran. Not North Korea.
The only country that really worries me
is, uh, the country
of Germany.
I don't know if you guys are history buffs
or not, but, um
[laughter]
In the early, uh, part
of the previous century,
Germany decided to go to war.
And, uh, who did they go to war with?
The world.
It'd never been tried before.
And, uh, so you figure that it would take
about five seconds for the world to win,
but, uh no, it was actually close.
[applause]
Then, about then, about 30 years pass,
and Germany decides again to go to war,
and again it chooses as its enemy
the world.
This time they have that guy
[imitating German] Schkelankli-kelankli!
That guy, and I'm not gonna even gonna
dignify him by saying his name,
but I think you know
who I'm talking about.
So anyways, I'd just like to say,
I know that Mr. Letterman is
not for the mawkish,
and he has no truck for the sentimental,
but if something is true,
it is not sentimental.
[voice breaking] And I say in truth,
I love you.
-Oh my God. Oh my God.
-[cheering and applause]
Oh my God.
[band plays lighthearted rock music]
Oh my God, Norm!
Norm! Norm! Oh my God.
[Norm] Letterman came in
for his own show with Netflix,
and said, "Norm should do a talk show."
You know?
And, um
And I said,
"Well, Letterman knows everything."
Oh, oh, get this, Jane.
When I was a kid, I walked in
on my parents having sex.
It was the most embarrassing half hour
of my life!
-This is what I saw. I walk in--
-Your mom is lucky.
I walked in
[laughter]
I take after my father.
Well Oh! [chuckles]
Ooh God.
Do you miss cocaine?
-Oh, there's a dog on the set, Chevy.
-Oh.
-I never went to a strip club.
-Well, we got tonight.
He's got a brain tumor. He's gonna die,
but he's What the f?
[man] Norm Macdonald has a show
that premiers on Netflix September 14th,
and I know you were out
doing some publicity.
Were you were you able to get any?
Was anybody
Comedian Norm Macdonald has had
a Tonight Show appearance nixed
after some controversial remarks.
Norm has been on our lot for weeks
taping a new Netflix interview show
set to drop at the end of this week.
Big interview with the Hollywood Reporter.
I feel bad that Roseanne got, uh, fired.
I think that, uh we have
to be more forgiving of people.
[woman] He mentioned that
he connected Roseanne Barr and Louis CK
following the loss of her TV series
over racist remarks.
[reads]
[man] Twitter erupted,
suggesting Louis CK's victims are
far worse off than Louis CK.
[bird tweet]
[woman] The comedian apologized
on Howard Stern's radio show.
[Howard] Roseanne was someone
who gave you one of your first breaks.
[Norm] My very first job. Yes.
-[Howard] You were writing on Roseanne.
-[Norm] I love Roseanne. Yes.
I talked to her for two hours in a row.
She was crying the whole time.
-She's not the strongest person mentally.
-[Howard] Right.
[Norm] I said, "Louis, you should talk
to her because you've been there,"
and they conflated that with me saying
Unlike the victims,
his friends, the comedians,
suffered more than the victims did.
That, he had to apologize for.
[woman 1] Macdonald told Stern
his comments were misconstrued,
saying he never defended Barr and CK.
He added, "You'd have
to have Down syndrome
to not feel sorry for MeToo victims."
But his choice of words has
gotten him in even more trouble,
and now he's apologizing for that too.
[woman 2] You keep getting into trouble,
Norm Macdonald.
It's always bad
when you have to apologize for an apology.
And you know,
there used to be a word we would all say
uh to mean stupid
that we don't say anymore.
And stupidly,
I was about to say that word
-And you put this one in.
-And I stopped and said,
"What's the right word to say?"
And then I said a different word
that was equally offensive.
Did you realize that probably offended--
I realized at that moment
that I'd done something unforgivable.
-[woman 3] Yeah.
-[woman 2] Right.
I mean, you know, it's like
things spill out sometimes.
[man] These days, with your comedy,
do you feel like you're walking
on eggshells at all?
Uh, yeah, like,
we're gonna go do stand-up right now.
It's mostly trying out new stuff.
You don't have the freedom
to to just talk and free associate
and then, you know,
carve it back from there
because usually, the process would be,
you go way over the line
-[man] Yeah.
-and then you bring it
You know, and people go, "We hate you!"
Then you take away all the parts
where they hate you,
and then you're left with the stuff
that's that's not
you know, that's on the line
but not over it.
[man] Is your starting point a little bit
more sort of tamer these days?
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's very calculated and thought out
When you're young, when you're a boy
I don't know about girls,
anything about 'em, but when you're a boy,
you get together with other boys,
and you make each other laugh,
and that's the most fun there is to have.
And at some point,
you go, "I have to stop that."
And, you know,
when I'm a boy, I have boys' things,
and when I'm a man,
I put the boys' things away,
as the scriptures tell us.
But comedians go, "Why stop?" You know?
Why don't we just keep
cracking each other up
and, uh figure out a way
to make a living,
um despite that?
Don't get
You know, and don't get serious.
Hey, Instagram world. I have a feeling
today is gonna be a hole in one.
You are looking now,
you think, at two cats.
Hey, Norm Macdonald here
with my picks this week.
I ate 12 Fudgsicles.
Well, I just feel
that, uh we're all just lucky
that we can, uh go outside,
eat at Denny's, and wear a hat.
All right, yes.
My mother taught me patience.
I don't have any patience.
I gave it all to him!
My mother's a very sweet and gentle soul.
You know?
She doesn't, uh, spend a lot of time
with self-pity or anything like that.
You know?
[gentle piano music playing]
I love my mother, you know?
She lives right beside me here.
She's just earnest.
She's just happy. She knows how to love.
She doesn't judge, you know?
-I got some tomatoes.
-Oh, excellent.
-At the farmer's market?
-No, not the farmer's market.
[Norm] I guess
my mother and I are the same
in that we don't take life that seriously.
'Cause I could take myself very seriously
if I wanted to,
but I don't choose to do that.
Did you ever play golf
when you were young?
[mom] Yes!
I had a boyfriend I was trying to impress.
[Norm] A boyfriend?
Here you go.
You wanna tell me
about that boyfriend golfer that you had?
He worked for the railroad.
[Norm] She knows how
to enjoy simple pleasures,
so I try to be like that as much as I can.
But, you know, I liked
the first four sunsets I saw, probably,
and then
I don't care much for sunsets.
-[Dylan] And you dated a golfer?
-[mom] Pardon?
You dated a golfer?
[Norm] I think about laughter quite a bit.
The biggest laughs
you'll ever hear in life are,
like, at a Thanksgiving dinner
with a bunch of loved ones.
This one looks like it's half my mother
and half a railroad bum.
[Dylan] No. Golfer?
[laughing]
[Norm] It just comes from love.
-Aw, there it is.
-I had a thing like that when I was young.
Yeah.
[Norm] The only thing
an old man can tell a young man
is that it goes fast.
Real fast.
And if you're not careful, it's too late.
Of course, the young man
will never understand this truth.
You been thinking
about mortality a lot lately?
Yeah, I mean. You turn 70,
and it's, uh you can't run from it.
Ah fuck, I was hoping you could.
[Larry] That's the one thing I fear,
is dying.
'Cause the thought of not existing,
you know, it's like, you know
what the new thing they call it is?
-Dirt nap.
-Good God, Larry.
[Larry] That's what they call it,
a dirt nap.
-Look, can I calm your fears about death?
-Yeah, please.
-Be serious. Are you being serious?
-I'm being completely serious.
You and death will never intersect.
As long as you're here, death is not.
As long as death is there, you are not.
Yeah, but since you know it's coming.
Oh, but, well, yeah. You don't want that.
-You wanna go
-But knowledge
I have the knowl I can't take away
the knowledge that it's coming.
-I don't believe I'm going anywhere.
-You don't?
Do not. Don't believe
in a higher power looking down on me.
I think organized religion is
-I agree on organized, but--
-Cause more problems--
But come on, don't you wanna live forever?
-You bet.
-Don't you wanna cross that river?
-Yeah, I wanna.
-Don't you wanna kiss tomorrow now?
-You believe you go somewhere?
-Sure.
Where do you go?
Well, uh, first they put you
in a big black car.
[soft electric guitar music playing]
[Larry] You get attention on Twittersphere
for being open about your religious views.
What are they?
I'm I'm a Christian.
It's not it's not stylish to say now.
No, are you devout?
-Yes.
-You believe in the Lord?
Yes, I do.
Nowadays, you're kind of ashamed of it.
I believe in a person in space.
I'm a fuckin' idiot.
I never said I was a man of faith.
I find it hard to believe in anything.
I read lots of literature.
Faith keeps coming up,
and like, these motherfuckers are smart.
It seems like faith is the only salvation,
but I don't know how to get it.
-Are you religious?
-I believe in God.
-I do too.
-That's as far as I go.
Are you Christian?
I'm, um on a journey.
A spiritual journey. Let's say that.
I believe there's a God,
but I'm unsure of his nature.
I've been struggling with faith.
I'll just throw myself
into religion sometimes,
but the problems with that is,
you go into any church,
obviously it's led by a fallible man,
and, uh you can't believe in them.
So you gotta kinda,
you know, come to it yourself somehow.
What people don't understand about faith
is that you have to, uh, choose it.
-So you choose to have faith?
-Yes.
I admire atheists
'cause I'm not smart enough
to not believe in God
And I'm not strong enough
not to believe in God.
So I need God.
Uh, but if I was a atheist,
you know what I'd do?
I think I'd just sit at home on a chair
and watch Bewitched
or whatever the fuck is on.
On an antenna TV. I don't give a fuck.
What I would not do is ever try
I think it's downright maybe evil,
try to take a person of faith
and change them.
And, uh I don't like that. You know?
'Cause why don't you sit
in your chair, watch Bewitched, fucker?
[laughter]
If you believe in nothing,
what the fuck you preaching it for?
I don't want them to convert me.
"Hey you, over there! Come on over."
"I just noticed in your eyes,
there was some hope."
"Come on over here. I wanna talk to you."
"Tell you how it is."
Just wondering, Norm,
and I'm not trying to, you know, whatever,
but what are you most proud of
in your career, man?
I'm only really proud of one thing.
What's your name?
My name's Connor.
Well, "Corner."
Co Connor, Connor, but close, close.
Uh, I am only really proud of stand-up.
Everything else I've done has
just been a, um
an accident that came from stand-up.
[cheering]
-[man 1] Yeah!
-It's pretty lit up, huh?
[David Spade] We all went on a tour
to do stand-up.
Funny because we had a text chain
of a bunch of us.
-We would all fuck around.
-Yeah.
And then one time, he was arguing
with Schneider about something,
and about stand-up, and he goes,
"I'm the best comic out of all of us,"
and everyone went, "Yeah."
Yeah, it's true.
-No one fought back. They go, "Okay."
-Yeah.
[cheering and applause]
[wistful piano music playing]
Imagine you're 80.
You're trying to get a erection.
Do you know how hard it is
for a 80-year-old man to get a erection?
And I tell you what does not help
if you're a 80-year-old man
trying to get a erection.
80-year-old woman.
[laughter]
[Adam] On the whole tour,
he would just, all of a sudden,
get really teary eyed and stuff,
and he'd be like, "This is wonderful."
-They have it in green?
-[man] Boo.
Hey, there you go. Hey.
It's not a photo. Okay.
-Hi, you guys.
-[man] Is this Grindr?
[Norm] Before I was famous,
people would look right past me.
But when I got famous,
people would look at me and smile
and wonder where they knew me from.
If they flat-out recognized me,
they'd laugh
and dance like they'd won a prize,
and I'd just stand there
and smile and feel warmth from their love.
[woman] Thanks for making
my husband and I laugh.
-[Norm] Oh, thank you.
-We love you.
-[Norm] Aw, look at that.
-You care if I get a picture?
[Norm] All right, baby.
We're taking some pictures.
So the fame made the world,
which is a real cold place,
a little less cold.
[cheering and applause]
[man] Ready? One, two
[Adam] Sometimes,
he'd be late in the morning taking off,
and I would I'd go I would just go,
"Hey, Norm, man. We have
We gotta get to this place,"
and he'd give me a look,
he was giving me a look, like,
"What the fuck do you want from me?
I'm going through some shit, man."
But he'd be like,
"Yeah, all right." You know?
-Master Norm.
-It was awesome, man.
Yeah, you murdered, boys.
I'm old anyways, you know, so if I die
it won't be as much of a tragedy.
I'm, uh 68 years young, I like to say.
[cheering and applause]
Yep.
You get old,
and you start worrying anyway, you know?
Forget the coronavirus,
like that's possible.
I said I wasn't gonna mention it.
You know, I was talking to the manager.
He's like, "Nobody wants
to hear about the fuckin' coronavirus."
"They come here
to not hear about the coronavirus."
I'm like, "Yeah, that's true."
But it was a good idea you made,
a good choice tonight to come out
and sit beside total strangers.
[laughter]
At least I'm up here.
I could run, you know?
At least I can flee when I see it.
[whimsical music playing]
Hey, Kelsey. Norm Macdonald here.
So you have a podcast, huh?
Fantastic. You know what I always say.
You know what
the world needs more of? Podcasts.
[man laughs]
Dave, Norm Macdonald here.
Your wonderful girlfriend, uh
let me know
that you had a real shit year, and, uh
Is it you
that had the shit year this year?
I didn't know. I heard someone did.
But, uh, she wants me to tell you
that, uh she just gave me a whole note.
She wants me to tell you
that she no longer loves you?
Oh my God.
I gotta read ahead on these things. I, uh
[chuckles]
She says she's never loved you
and, uh, that she loves me?
Oh my gosh.
This is getting worse and worse.
[man 1] You can have five minutes
without a laugh,
people are still interested in the story,
but when you're telling little one-liners
-You're kidding me.
-[man 2] No!
[mournful music droning]
[man 2] We just found out
that Norm Macdonald passed away.
Oh my God.
-I don't know what to say.
-[man 2] Me either.
What did he die from?
[man 3] It was cancer.
-[man 2] Has he been sick?
-[man 3] Nine years.
-[man 2] He's had nine years of cancer?
-I had no idea.
Oh my God.
We love you, Norm. We love your comedy.
[man 4] He's been dealing with it
for nine years.
-[man 5] Did you know he was sick?
-[man 6] I didn't.
[man 7] None of us knew. Outside
of family it was, like, three people.
[man 8] Anything
that undercuts the comedy,
you don't want the audience to know,
so I get it.
[man 9] This is a beloved, wonderful man
who we've lost.
[Conan] Norm was highly principled,
and he paid dearly
for his refusal to compromise.
He famously lost jobs. Many jobs.
I think every job he ever had in comedy.
The new worst job is
assistant crack whore.
I know people say Norm was fearless,
but I call it just bad judgment.
-[laughter]
-I do.
-No, no, I like Don Ohlmeyer.
-No, how can you like
I learned Ohlmeyer had approached Norm
and said, "We wanna get rid of Jim Downey.
Is that okay with you?" And he said no.
Said, "If you're gonna fire him, fire me."
The amazing thing is
that I never heard that from Norm.
I had to hear it from an NBC exec.
[bird tweet]
He would always stand up for me,
so I always stood up for Norm.
We had each other's backs.
He was so nice to everyone,
and he treated everyone the same.
According to Norm,
the first time I met him was, uh
under the Queensboro Bridge,
where I used to jerk off
punks for $10 a man.
God dammit, it didn't work.
I miss Adam Eget.
It's important not to be sad,
but to remember to be happy
that we were so fuckin' lucky to have him
and he was on this earth
at the same time as us.
I mean, one in a billion.
[music fades out]
[woman] Norm left something for all of us.
He had a deal with Netflix,
uh, to do a comedy special,
and then Covid hit, so he couldn't go out
and do his set anywhere.
The night before he went in
for a long procedure,
he said, "Lo Jo, I wanna tape my special."
He said he didn't wanna leave anything
on the table in case things went south.
[Norm] I know there's a God,
and people go,
"Well, you're only a Christian
because you grew up in a Christian"
And I understand that, and that's one
of my biggest fears, you know,
is that I picked the wrong religion,
you know?
That I believed,
but then I die, and I go, "Ah! It's you!"
"I thought it was the other fella! Ah!"
I should've been slaying apostates
the entire time. Oh well.
[soft string music playing]
This is what I do when I watch a sunset.
If you watch a sunset,
don't look at the sun
'cause for one thing,
your retina will explode.
But also, it's just the
the death of the day. It's terrible.
But when the sun goes down,
look at the moon.
Because as soon as the sun,
uh is lost beyond the horizon,
the moon glows.
In the same way, when a person dies,
people are illuminated by the lost soul.
[peaceful piano and string music playing]
the man that you are. I believe.
I don't know.
[man 1] Might be a
have a few years on me.
-[Norm] No, no, no, I'm younger than you.
-[man 1] Okay.
-[man 2] Died 50 years ago.
-[Norm] Did he? I didn't know he was sick.
A simple test of any of OJ's blood
found at the crime scene will prove it.
The way he's funny I just never seen
someone get at it like that.
No, yeah. That's nice, Norm.
[Adam] At Saturday Night Live on Monday,
I go,
"Did you cash that in?"
He goes, "I lost it all!"
We regard you as the top of the heap,
the best of the best,
the funniest of the funny.
Uh the guy who has it
in every fiber of his being.
Not conjured. It's the real thing.
I actually feel love when I do stand-up.
I feel it. Sometimes, you know?
And sometimes not, but sometimes.
And then when it feels like it feels
really good, every stand-up knows that.
Then you have to go over there,
and people are like, "What's going on?"
"I won't pay attention to you."
You're like, "All right. Goddamn."
"I was just out there.
Everybody was paying attention."
[laughter]
So they have to go out there.
People go, "Ah, ah, life sucks."
You're like, "I forgot."
"I forgot for a while.
I was out there." Anyways
I'm trying to say
here is better than out there.
[laughter and applause]
[audience member] Whoo!
Anyways, listen, uh
So it is actually a true love.
What do you think of that, huh?
-[audience member whoops softly]
-Um, so, um
And I'll try to say that
as unironically as possible, okay?
I love you.
-[audience members] Aw.
-[cheering and applause]
[gentle acoustic guitar music playing]
Well, I have on my cloak of invisibility.
Now, all I have to do is put on this hood.
And look at that.
Now, it's time
to go visit Victoria's Secret.
[Willie Nelson]
I'm gonna live forever
-[Norm] Oh!
-[man] Oh God.
-What the hell was that?
-[woman] Oh my God.
Did you guys see something?
It felt like I hit something.
[Norm] I've been hit by the car!
I'm wearing a cloak of invisibility!
What? Where are you? Are you okay?
[Norm] I'm not good!
All right. It's gonna be okay.
We're calling an ambulance.
Yeah. No, he was hit by a car.
-[Norm] Ah! My organs are shutting down!
-Where the hell is he? I don't see him.
[Norm] I'm over here, you idiots!
Oh fuck!
Ah! Oh! Ah!
Ahh! Oh God!
[yelling]
["Live Forever" by The Highwaymen
continues]
[Willie Nelson] I'm gonna live forever
I'm gonna cross that river
I'm gonna catch tomorrow now
[Kris Kristofferson]
You're gonna wanna hold me
Just like I always told you
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
[all] Nobody here will ever find me
But I will always be around
Just like the songs I leave behind me
I'm gonna live forever now
[song fades out]
[curious rock music playing]