Not Cool (2014) Movie Script
The beat takes
then I start rockin'
The beat takes
then I start rockin '
Ah!
The beat takes
then I start rockin'
The beat takes
then I start rockin '
Go, go
So what you know about that
I make the party crack
Who doesn't love
thanksgiving break?
Me, Tori Gillespie.
Or, as everyone in high school
used to call me...
Whorie, whorie, whorie!
That nickname was meant
to be ironic, by the way,
Although I did have sex
with a zucchini once,
So I guess that was
kind of slutty.
Needless to say,
high school fucking sucked.
But here's the thing
about high school:
It ends.
And you get to go to college,
Where no one knows that you
were a bed-Wetter till 14,
Or that you broke your own hymen
with a baby carrot.
Only problem is,
when the holidays roll around,
You still have to go home.
Hi!
I missed you so much.
The Alleghany
railroad authority
Welcomes you to Pittsburgh.
Your train from New York...
I texted you
on my new phone!
Look at my sign!
Want to switch lives?
I'd rather eat my own shit.
And I do!
This is shit up in here.
And yet I'm still
jealous of you.
Where is she?
Yay!
I'm so happy you're home.
Yep, it's still you!
Unfortunately.
I can't wait
to stay up all night
Gossiping about
northwestern boys.
Or girls.
We don't judge.
Just don't talk details.
It gives your mother nightmares.
Nightmares,
it gives me nightmares.
Also, I have some huge news.
Oh, what, my train crashed and
I'm actually in hell right now?
Gil and I are getting married!
Ah!
Are you looking at it?
Yeah, I'm looking at it.
Is it beautiful?
Shit, this is why I'm glad
my family dead.
Ah!
Scott!
Scott!
Fucking look at me!
Ow!
Oh, I missed you
so much, boo.
Hey, maybe we should do this,
I don't know,
somewhere a little more private?
Ugh!
You are a fucking genius!
Ah!
I was actually thinking
maybe more like my place.
Shh, public sex
is way in right now.
It's the second most searched
term on youporn,
Right under
"brother sister stuff."
Shit!
Here, hold my invisalign.
Oh, my god.
It's a glory hole.
I've only seen these
in gay porn!
Why are you watching
gay porn?
Wee!
Who are you,
fucking spider-Man?
Gimme your dick!
Uh, I don't know
if I really want to.
You oddly resemble
The Alice in wonderland cat
right now.
Ugh, stop being such a pussy,
And give me your dick.
It's like the wall's
eating my penis.
What the hell is wrong
with these people?
I know.
Some motherfuckers
are so disgusting.
Oh, dear god.
Oh, here it comes.
Are you crying?
I'm sorry.
I didn't know how hard
this was gonna be.
Oh.
Well, do you want
to just, like...
parkour back over
and finish me off in here?
No, no.
I really wanted there
to be a wall between us
When I said this.
What are you...
What are you trying to say?
I'm sorry, Scott.
It's over.
What?
Okay, like, this is
super awkward, but...
could you put my invisalign
back in?
Seewell high school wishes you
a happy thanksgiving break.
Be good people.
Make good choices.
And I was like,
"that's the last time
I'm ever having sex
with the cafeteria lady again."
Bye, gross,
stupid fucking bitch!
Kidding.
Not really.
Janie, is that you?
Joel.
What are you doing here?
Huh, nothing much.
Just visiting
the old stomping grounds.
So are the rumors true?
I hear you've turned into
quite the pimp at Cornell.
You follow my tumblr?
No.
Well, you should.
I post a lot of blogs
About my wild adventures,
Or, as I titled them,
"Assventures."
So...
that sounds kind of gay.
I disagree.
Well, welcome home, Joel.
I'll see you around.
Hey, I'm gonna be
helping your dad out
At the vinyl vault
this weekend,
If you want to stop by.
Yeah, maybe.
Yeah, man,
it's gonna be tough
To box up that whole place
by Monday, you know?
Why are you boxing it up?
'Cause your dad
is closing it down,
Which I'm guessing
He wanted to tell you himself.
Hell yeah,
I think that went well.
Ooh, you're fixin'
my hair
I can see
that you've read them.
Well, I see college
hasn't altered
Your sophisticated
eating habits any.
Not now, dad.
Hey, what do you say
we check out
This surrealist
photography exhibit
At the art museum this weekend?
I'd say I'm su-really
not in the mood right now.
So, no.
Want to talk about it?
What the hell, dad?
You're closing the store?
What?
The vault's an institution.
I was gonna tell you guys
about that this weekend.
Yet you told Joel
before us.
Joel's my best employee.
He's easy to talk to.
Kind of soothing,
Like a woman.
Are we broke?
Come on in here.
Sit down;
Let's talk about this.
Yes, I'm selling the shop.
No, we're not broke.
Truth is, the store is doing
pretty well financially.
But most of the business
is from collectors online,
So keeping the store open
doesn't make sense anymore.
Also, I met someone.
You did?
Anastasia.
A stripper?
What?
I mean, with a name like that,
She's either a Disney princess
or a total slut.
Come on, she's a vinyl
collector down in Florida.
Boo.
And I was thinking
After Janie graduated
this spring,
I'd move down there with her.
This is place is gonna be
Way too big for just me,
anyhow.
But, hey,
We have one last thanksgiving
at home before we move.
That'll be fun, right?
Okay.
Good talk.
Am I doing it right?
No!
Lou, pop your ass!
I can't believe my parents
turned my room into a gym.
Lou, pop that ass!
Watch my ass pop.
Your ass is poppin'.
Yeah.
Girl, it could be worse.
I know a chick whose parents
Turned her room
into a sex dungeon.
Not sure that's worse.
Pop that ass,
pop that ass, pop that ass.
Girl, why don't you
go out tonight,
Get your mind off things?
The only way that
I could get my mind off things
Would be to join a cult and
get myself fucking brainwashed.
Girl, don't even play
about that shit.
I joined a cult once
because they had red track suits
And I wanted
a red track suit.
The amount of innocent
I saw slain...
was not worth
that red track suit.
Oh, god.
Apparently, there is
a kegger on plum street
By the creek.
A kegger by the creek?
Tell me you made that shit up.
It sounds like a horror movie.
Oh, believe me,
it is all too real.
Well, then go, and take video.
I want to see where
Tori the whorie comes from.
No, look, the whole point
of going to college
Is to get away
from all of the people
That you hated in high school.
Why would I want
to go back to that?
I mean, it would be
like taking a massive shit
And then shoving it
right back up my butt.
Really, girl?
Plus, I'm totally fine
spending the night in.
Oh, oh, I'm gonna fart.
Oh, go ahead, honey.
No, it's gonna be so loud.
Oh, come on, we've been
married for 25 years.
Oh, my god;
Oh, my god.
I...
I have messed myself.
Ooh.
Ooh, yeah.
Mm, mm.
Oh, okay, okay.
Girl, you need
to get out that house.
I'll send you videos.
Yo, queef, sick party!
Thank you, my friend.
I hope you're enjoying
the delicious libations
And jovial atmosphere, yeah?
How did you get your parents
To let you have the house
all weekend?
Oh, not even a problem,
brother.
You see, I have an open dialogue
with Mata and Pita.
They respect me as an adult,
And they trust
my wise decisions.
I just threw up
in this genie bottle.
That's my grandmother!
Let her out, man.
Let her out!
I was like, "excuse me
and my awkward approach"
Hey, this is
my personal hell.
Shit, shit.
Aw, that's adorable.
You're still obsessed with her.
No, I'm not still
obsessed with her.
Yes, you are.
When is her birthday?
January 15th, 1996.
Nice try.
Everyone knows that.
Well, no one give's a fuck
about me,
So only you should know,
when's my birthday?
Um...
today?
Oh, my god, today.
Happy birthday, happy birthday!
Happy birthday!
Hmm, I fucking hate you.
Listen, this is
my last chance.
Janie is moving down to Florida
at the end of the school year.
- Oh, my god.
- I know.
- No way.
- Yes.
Oh, my god, that means
you're only gonna have
Christmas break and spring break
To not fuck her.
False, because I have to go
Visit my stupid,
dying grandparents
In Arizona for Christmas.
Boring.
Then I'm hitting up Cancun
with the pussy posse
For spring break.
I'm sorry, what the fuck
did you just say?
Pussy posse?
Oh, it's my Cornell boys.
Oh, that's so cute.
You know, if you ever
use that nickname again,
I'm gonna punch you
in the penis.
Okay, you're being
very aggressive.
Just hear me out.
This is my last shot
Before she is
out of my life forever.
Okay, um, look,
I'm gonna try really,
really hard
Not to be a dick here,
Because I can tell you're, like,
Really sensitive
and everything.
She was not into you
in high school.
She's not into you now.
And she's never
gonna be into you.
But I just... You know, I feel
like it's time we move on.
Okay.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
You're right.
Shit, you, like...
You handled that really well.
Psych, no,
I'm fucking with you.
She's totally gonna
sit on my face later, like...
wow, that's really not
how that goes down at all,
So it's clear
you've never done that.
Yes, I have, I've eaten out,
like, 17 pussies.
Or 23.
I don't know.
I know it's a prime number.
God, please stop doing that.
Did you spit?
- Yes.
- That's disgusting.
- A little bit.
- Don't spit.
Where did the straw come from?
My backpack.
You have a fucking backpack?
Yes, I have a backpack.
It's an adventure.
It's like a hike.
Ugh!
This party is lame.
I've only been roofied and
fingered, like, twice tonight.
I mean, what is this,
a bar mitzvah?
Let's hit up that party
on oak street.
I heard ethyl's gonna be there!
Ew, is that your grandma?
No offense,
but last time I saw her,
She pretended to trip and
grabbed my cooch for balance.
My dad is always tripping.
No, you stupid fucking dumb
Ecuadorian bitch!
Ethyl's that new hybrid drug
Everybody's been
blah-blah-ing about.
It's molly mixed
with old people medicine.
It's supposed to be totes Cray.
Well, anyone who would do that
is totes retar.
Holy Zachary Quinto's
eyebrows!
She's learning!
No, seriously, though,
Haven't we been doing
too many drugs lately?
You totally had me, bitch!
Oh, holy shit,
that's my fucking jam!
Mandy, hold my legs.
Yeah.
Ah, I think I queefed.
Stop looking at my ass,
you whore.
Photo bomb!
Shit, I'm sorry.
Fuck, let me help you.
I'll fix it.
Let me help you dry it off.
I'll dry it off.
I highly advise you
Not to touch any
of the hand towels, okay?
I got it from here.
Right.
More toilet paper.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
There you go.
It's not creepy at all.
Huh?
Oh, yeah, my bad.
Sorry.
So...
have you started
applying to schools yet?
A few.
I don't know
where I want to go yet.
If you're thinking
of Cornell,
You can always
come visit with me.
My dorm is super cool.
We have a swimming turtle
named randy.
So, pretty fucking awesome.
Cornell?
Not with the "C" I have
in Mr. Draper's class.
Draper the raper?
Thought he'd give you
an a-Plus with those titties.
I mean, god damn.
Thanks?
Does he still schedule
that stupid midterm
For the day
after thanksgiving break?
Yup.
Turns out he's not only a perv,
He's also a fascist.
You know, I could help you.
I mean, I aced...
I aced draper's class.
I knocked that midterm
out of the park.
I remember he actually
said to me, and I quote,
"You made that midterm
your bitch."
Or, no... Or he said,
"you did a good job."
But he meant it, so...
I mean, don't worry.
No charge.
Just two study buddies
doing what they do,
Shooting the shit.
Whip out a highlighter or two,
Make some marks
on those textbooks.
I don't give a fuck
what the librarian says.
Okay, what the hell.
Seriously?
- Mm-Hmm.
- Okay.
Yeah, yes.
So you will not regret this.
I promise.
How is 8:00 on Friday?
Sounds good.
Good, I think so too, yeah.
Okay.
Bye.
I love you, so much.
This is the first time
I've drank in, like, ever.
But I feel totally fine.
Yeah, no, you look
totally great,
Not at all like a rhino
Who's been shot
with a tranquilizer gun.
Uh-Oh.
I think the fucking
tikka masala shit's
Gonna come back up.
Whew, I feel so much better now.
Want to hook up?
She said yes.
Move, fuckers.
She said yes, she said yes,
she said yes.
Oh, no.
Yeah.
So I'm gonna go now.
Hey, motherfuck,
Did you not hear me?
She said yes.
Oh, my god,
that is so exciting.
Hey, at what point
in this conversation
Are we going to acknowledge
that I'm covered in vomit?
What am I gonna wear?
Should I wear a suit?
Maybe one of those
sexy-Ass tight vests
With, like, a dragon on it
for no fucking reason.
And she's like, "what's that?"
And I'm like,
don't worry about it.
But I don't know
where to take her for dinner,
Because I obviously want
to take her somewhere nice,
But I don't want
to freak her out.
There's about ten
different restaurants
Up in that girl's vomit,
So you can take your pick.
Text me.
Suck a dick.
No.
Shit, look, I'm sorry,
But you came out of nowhere.
Scott?
Do I know you?
We went to
high school together.
And middle school,
And elementary.
Tori the whorie?
And we're back.
Wow.
You look kind of good now.
You know, that nickname
Might not even be
that ironic anymore.
Charming, okay.
Well, you're not dead,
so I'm gonna go.
But this has been so fun.
Thank you.
Ugh.
Fuck.
Can I get a ride?
So you know this is
a really bad idea, right?
It says the party is
only one mile from here.
Oh, fantastic,
I'm glad there's an app
That can make stalking
more efficient.
I'm not stalking, okay?
I'm merely using technology
to help me locate someone
Who doesn't want to talk to me
at the moment.
Which is stalking.
Mm-Hmm.
Ooh, make that left.
You do realize that
you're pathetic, right?
You do realize that
you're covered in vomit, right?
Besides, heather's
gonna take me back.
Oh, fantastic, so not only
are you a stalker,
But you're a misogynist too.
And I'm a romantic.
Ho-Ho, and why would
heather take you back?
'Cause I think she's
made it perfectly clear
That she wants nothing
to do with you.
She just needs
some time to think
And, you know, reevaluate.
She'll be fine.
Oh, wow.
Because obviously she must be
in a weird mental place
To dump you, Mr. Perfect
with the amazing hair.
Think I have amazing hair?
Oh, my god,
you know you're attractive.
It's annoying.
Wow, amazing hair
and I'm attractive?
Yeah, here I go.
Wait a minute.
Are you into me?
No, god,
I'm not into you.
I mean, would I have sex
with you?
Yeah, probably, but that does
not mean that I'm into you.
You'd have sex with me?
Wow, I mean, I'm not surprised.
I'm just surprised
that you actually admitted that.
Oh, my god, it's 2014.
Women should be able
to openly talk about sex.
I mean, I know
what year it is.
I'm just saying...
Okay, here's the thing,
prom king.
Women think about sex
all the time,
Including your precious,
wonderful heather.
So if she wanted you
in her bed,
You wouldn't be in this car
with me right now.
And that is a fact.
Oh, wait,
hold on one second,
Because I really want
to film this,
Because fail videos
always go viral.
Go on.
Yeah, I don't know.
Maybe now isn't the best time.
Oh, no, come on, Scott.
The internet wants to see you
Get kicked in the balls
really bad.
Why are you so mean?
I'm mean?
Wow, that's a double standard.
I recall it going a little bit
differently in high school.
Maybe nobody has told you
that high school is over.
That big ceremony thing
that we all did,
That was graduation,
Where we all move on
And we all do different things.
You don't stay here
and be like,
"Oh, I was prom king; I'm cool,
So that means
I'm cool forever."
Nobody gives a shit.
So maybe it's time
that you try something new.
Try something
a little bit different,
'Cause obviously this whole...
Wait, wait.
I don't have
any condoms on me.
Who are you?
Tori the whorie.
Oh, yeah,
I came up with that name.
Yeah, you're an asshole.
Tori the whorie
is back, bitch!
Okay, first of all,
She never existed.
Second of all,
it was a mistake.
It was a big, stupid mistake.
How big?
What?
Come on, girl,
give me something.
I haven't looked at porn
since I got home.
It was huge, enormous.
And he put it in my butt
And slapped me in my face
with it.
I know you're lying, but...
thank you.
I just... I really want
to forget about it.
So you're not
gonna see him again?
No, it was a one-Time thing.
I'm never talking
to that douche again.
Mm-Hmm.
And does he know that?
Oh, please.
Scott is so far
up his own ass,
He won't even notice.
How far?
Here's the turkey.
Here's the bird.
Hey, I'm sorry you guys
got stuck over here.
Hey, at least we don't
have to sit with crazy aunt Flo.
Did I ever tell you
about the time
I got abducted by aliens?
Funny story, actually.
Their queen impregnated me,
And the baby grew to full size
in less than eight hours.
And then it ate its way
out of my uterus.
Want to see the scar?
Why can't we just have
an alcoholic aunt
Like every other family?
Today, you can consider me
an alcoholic father.
Hey, you remember
Tori the whorie?
The girl whose pimples
used to pop in the sunlight?
That was graphic.
Yes.
You should see her now.
She looks totally different.
Uh, no thanks.
No, seriously, look.
She's, like, photoshopped.
No, seriously,
I'm not interested
in your dumb little crush.
I don't have a crush.
I mean, that's ridiculous.
You know what else
is ridiculous?
"Modern medicine."
I mean, why do I need
a "doctor"
To tell me that I'm "crazy"
And a "danger to myself
and others"?
I mean, hello?
I already have the voices
in my head telling me that.
I can't kill them.
They're family.
You know mental illness
runs in our family, right?
Hey, as long as baldness
doesn't, then I'm fine.
Ugh.
But what I'm most thankful for
Is joining
this wonderful family.
I feel like the luckiest man
in western P.A.
Aw, heck, in the entire state
of Pennsylvania.
Ah!
Marissa, honey, what are you
most thankful for?
Well, other than this
beautiful treasure of a man.
I don't even know
where to begin.
Great, next.
I'm thankful
that my paintings
Were selected
to hang at the met.
Oh, you did, oh.
Oh, and that I finally
learned how to drive!
Yes!
Scary.
You did.
You're an inspiration, sweetie.
Yeah, no, we get it,
she's perfect.
Now, could somebody please
pass the wine
So I can drink
till I black the fuck out?
Language!
Look, I'm real nice
when I'm drunk.
Yeah.
Aw, she's pretty.
Gah!
How did you get in here?
The real question is,
How did we get here?
P'shoo!
Ah.
What?
I hope you like it.
I can't believe
you made this from scratch.
Who wants to play
dance central?
I do!
I want to kill myself.
Yay!
Let's play.
Hey, tore,
can you get the door?
Gil, you are so clever.
What can I say?
She's rubbing off on me.
Okay, well,
if I'm not back in five,
Assume that I'm dead,
And don't come looking for me.
Okeydokey, honey.
Yeah, Gil,
you should try my pie.
What the hell?
Hey.
Did you run here?
I needed to talk to you,
And you weren't
answering your phone.
Yeah, it's thanksgiving,
And my mom makes us
put our phones and beepers
In a basket before we
sit down to the table.
Who has a beeper?
Gil.
I'm a doctor!
Orthodontist!
So you wanted something?
When we had sex last night...
Oh, my god, dude.
My parents are, like,
right in there.
Sorry.
When we had sex last night...
Did you feel something?
Uh, it took me a minute,
but yeah.
Come on, I'm serious.
Like... Like a...
connection?
Oh, my god.
Please do not say things
like that.
I mean, it's so prom-Y.
You're, like,
so stuck in high school.
It's really frightening.
You can't say
you didn't feel anything.
I mean, I thought
it was pretty clear
That we were just two
sad, horny adults
Getting some in a car.
It was just sex, nothing more.
Okay, look, I get it.
You're like...
Your girlfriend dumps you,
And then you randomly
hook up with me,
And you're, like,
all confused and shit.
And I understand.
But I think it's best
if you just, like,
Leave me out of the equation
altogether, okay?
Tortellini!
What's going on?
Nothing, mom, we're just...
Ooh, who's this
strapping young man?
He was actually
just leaving.
Hey, I'm Scott,
friend of Tori's.
Got a grip.
Friend, that's interesting.
Well, come on in, Scott.
We're just about to play
dance central.
Yeah, I do have
some pretty sick moves.
You know, in high school,
They used to call me
a depressed dog.
Oh, no, why?
Well, 'cause I ain't got
no bones!
Oh, whoa!
Ah!
Did they also call you
the scarecrow?
'Cause you ain't got no brain!
Okay, I like
Scott's joke better.
Come on, I'll steal you.
We're dancing.
Hm!
Good.
Seriously?
She's an inspiration!
Perfect!
Awesome!
Marissa wins.
Okay, Tora the explorer,
It's your turn.
Come on, tore,
hit the dance floor.
They just come to me.
Oh, what's wrong,
Angelina Tori?
Scared to lose?
No, no, no,
I just hate dancing.
Hm, you seem
to hate a lot of things.
Yeah, I do.
I hate everything and everyone.
It's kind of my thing.
Oh, well, we don't hate you,
tore.
I'm a little scared of you,
but I don't hate you.
Oh, it's okay.
You know what, fine.
Fine, I will play.
But if I win,
you have to leave.
All right.
But if I win...
you have to kiss me.
I want to play!
Or Tori can play.
Cool move.
Awesome!
Right on.
Hey, we work
pretty well together.
This is how I always pictured
black people playing this game.
We're much stronger
as a team.
We should challenge
Marissa and Gil.
I don't really do teams.
Well, maybe you'll find
that having a partner
To keep you on beat
is a good thing.
I mean, I'm not saying
We should start an official
dance club or anything.
Foot slide!
I'm saying maybe just try it
for one game, you know?
Slap the ground!
What do you think?
Might make you
a better dancer.
You know what?
Maybe I don't want a partner
Who's merely average-Sized,
Somewhat herky-jerky,
And pays nowhere close
to the attention to detail
That one would expect
from an aspiring photographer.
Tori wins.
Congrats.
Guess I got to go now, right?
Aw.
Happy thanksgiving.
Bye.
And you are my radio
Turn you up when I feel low
You are the soundtrack
to all I know
You are the rock
to my roll
What's eating Gilbert grape?
I love that movie.
Oh.
Wow, baby, you're good at that.
Where did you learn?
Did your mama teach you?
Oh, god,
you are the blowjob queen.
Someone should give you
a crown made out of dicks,
Made out of wangs.
I'm gonna cum.
Oops-A-Daisy.
Don't want to come
in your mouth.
You're a lady.
Where should I do it?
Ah, idea.
On those tits!
Hey, what you looking at?
The internet.
There's just pictures
Of arctic creatures,
polar bears.
- Polar bears.
- Going extinct.
I see.
Yo, dick-muncher, time to go.
Black Friday's almost over,
And I haven't seen
anybody die yet.
Oh, this...
Homework.
Sex-Ed.
Never mind.
Okay, so this one
is a bit on the pricier side.
But she pinned it
multiple times
To her personal pinterest page,
And I want her to feel
as beautiful as I do right now,
Which is very.
I just want you to realize
how fucked up this is.
If by "fucked up"
you mean awesome
And sexually stimulating,
then I agree.
But I need you
to focus right now,
Because I need
your brutal honesty.
Yeah, that's way too slutty.
If you give that to her,
She's gonna think
that you're trying to bang her.
But I am.
Yes, I know.
But the key is
to make her forget that.
Good note.
Hey, Tori.
What the fuck?
Hey, crazy, right?
Uh-Huh.
Um, hey, I just want
to say sorry
For coming to your family's
dinner last night.
That was...
I shouldn't have done that.
It was inappropriate.
Yeah, you know what else
is inappropriate?
You stalking
my instagram account
And following me here.
Does this look too, like,
"ooh, I did anal once,
And now it's all I want"?
Scott.
Did Janie send you?
What?
No, why would she?
No reason.
Okay.
So back to you stalking me.
Aw, you thought
I'm stalking you?
No, I was just taking pictures
in the mall,
And I saw you
through the window.
'Cause that doesn't
sound creepy.
I like shooting
all the black Friday craziness.
Usually get
some pretty cool stuff.
I mean, for the most part,
It's just random people
getting tasered.
All right, let me see that.
Dude, this is fucked up.
Would you send these to me?
Aw.
Oh, I found your fetish.
- It's not a fetish.
- Uh-Huh.
Hey, look close.
You see how that old couple
is sitting perfectly
Right between that trash can
and that stained glass window
And that fountain?
It's like...
It's kind of like beauty
meets its opposite.
You know?
Amidst all the craziness
of black Friday
And everybody's
freaking out around them,
They're safe, you know?
They found their little place
to go and share a kiss.
It's kind of cute, beautiful.
Oh, my god.
I didn't sleep
with the cool guy.
I slept with
the formerly cool guy
Who's actually
a big frickin' dork.
- I'm not a dork.
- Uh-Huh.
- I'm cool.
- Oh.
I'm currently cool.
Oh, okay.
So then, just tell me
One currently cool thing
that you've done
Post-Graduation.
What are you doing later?
I don't know, why?
'Cause we're hanging out.
- Really?
- Mm-Hmm.
All right.
But I am driving,
And I am planning everything.
And you have to do
everything that I say.
All right, deal.
All right.
Now go continue taking
those creepy pictures,
And quit stalking me.
Is this guy stalking you?
I used to wait for her
after school
By the gates with my books,
baby, feeling a fool
I used to walk her home
every night
In the summer or winter,
in the sun or ice
Fuck it list.
Okay, what is this,
some kind of bucket list?
Yeah, except
you don't die in it.
I mean, spoiler alert.
Okay, this is
what I'm talking about.
You're like, so regimented.
I mean, everything about you
Has to be, like,
so fucking perfect,
Or you, like, freak out.
So, what I'm gonna do
Is just loosen you up
a little bit.
I'm not shaving my head.
Okay, one thing at a time.
Seriously, I'm not doing it.
That's what I'm talking about.
You're so regimented.
- Look at it.
- I see it.
Look at the way it flows.
No, yeah, I see it.
Look at how it moves.
You know what, this is
exactly what I'm talking about.
You're so set in your little
perfect Scott hair ways.
Fine, okay, can we just do
something a little easier
To ease me into it?
Yeah, absolutely.
I thought we should
probably start
With number four.
No, I'm not gonna do that.
- Yeah.
- No.
Oh, you certainly are.
No fucking way.
- No, you're gonna do it.
- No.
Seriously, just poop already.
I'm trying, okay?
I have a sensitive stomach.
Oh, my god.
Turn around.
What?
Turn around.
Seriously?
This is ridiculous.
Plug your ears.
- What are you doing?
- It's gonna be loud.
Ugh.
Scott?
Shit!
Abort mission!
Abort mission!
Go, go!
- It's locked.
- Just get in!
Get the fuck in the car!
Ugh, why weren't you
into poop stuff
When we were together?
We have fun,
we have fun
We got the summer nights
under our tongues
Oh, my god.
Don't even.
What...
Asshole.
We have fun,
we have fun
Uh-Uh.
Mm-Hmm.
We have fun,
we have fun
Better late than never,
I guess.
Yeah, it's so true.
Well, it's hard to prepare
for it when it's rape.
Kidding.
No, I'm totally kidding.
Yeah, I definitely,
definitely wanted it.
Mm-Hmm.
Especially because
it wasn't with him.
She's kidding.
No, I'm not.
Well, good luck with the baby.
Oh, thank you, yeah.
We are gonna need it.
You have a nice day, ma'am.
Yeah, bye.
Whoa!
No way.
Oh, come on.
Don't be a pussy.
It's permanent.
Yeah.
Okay, you know what, fine.
I have another idea.
I don't want to do it.
It's gonna hurt.
Stop being such a baby.
Ay, can you please
hurry the fuck up?
My daughter is waiting.
Go!
See?
That wasn't that bad.
Oh, I guess it wasn't.
Uh.
Is anyone else
losing their vision?
Uh...
at least he didn't
pierce your dick.
I'm not really
a pot kind of guy.
You know what, that's fine.
I'll get the clippers.
Give me that fucking brownie.
Oh, my god.
Okay, what if it makes me
all chatty and paranoid
And annoying?
Oh, my gosh, then we're gonna
know that it didn't work.
Is it gluten-Free?
I have a really
sensitive stomach.
Oh, my god, I know you have
a sensitive everything.
Yes, it's gluten-Free.
Oh, my god.
That's fucking good.
I know.
That's real good.
Isn't that good?
I think I'm high.
We have fun,
we have fun
We got the summer nights
under our tongues
Are you ready?
We have fun,
we have fun
We got the summer nights
under our tongues
Your car broke down,
So you rented a party bus?
I did, yeah.
Every once in a while,
It's just nice
to treat yourself.
Quit the bullshit, Joel.
What's going on?
No bullshit.
Nothing is going on,
Besides the start
of our glorious evening.
No sex in the car, kids.
Last thing I want to see
Is two underage,
Semi-Ethnic-Looking,
Possibly native American
teenagers
Making a mess on my
brand-new pleather interior,
Forcing me to
lap, lap, lap it up
Like a golden retriever
on a hot-Ass day.
Fuck.
Well, I feel safe.
Don't worry about her.
I'll kick her ass.
I'm here for you.
Joel, I don't have time
for this.
I have 200 years
of European history
To memorize by Monday.
Which is why
I am going to help you
Connect those boring,
mundane facts
To ideas that are
personal to you.
How?
Okay, champagne.
What do you think of
when you drink champagne?
Old people, headaches.
Okay, perfect,
let's go with headaches.
Champagne is from France.
It was originally used
in the coronation of kings.
King Louis XVI
also got a headache
When he was beheaded
by his own subjects
On January 21st, 1793,
During the French revolution.
- Not bad.
- Yeah.
Just letting you know
I'm changing the atmosphere up
a bit.
Ah!
Why is my ass getting hot?
Seat warmers!
You're welcome.
Well, anyway,
a few mnemonic devices
Won't be enough to get me an "a"
in draper's class.
You knew about
mnemonic devices?
What I don't know
is what to study.
Draper's cramming way too many
chapters into one test.
Well, I don't go back
to Cornell
Until Sunday, so...
and I thought you were
actually gonna help me study.
- Pull over.
- Wait, wait, hold on.
Hold on.
Would this help?
You have the test?
Draper uses the same password
for all his secure files.
It's "Ariana Grande's
puffy nipples 555."
Well, why didn't you
lead with this
Instead of the lame mnemonic?
Well, once you had
the actual test,
There'd be no reason
for you to hang out with me.
Joel.
I still want to hang out
with you.
I just don't want
to lead you on.
Like, nothing's gonna happen
between us.
Fuck!
No, duh, I know that.
- Yeah.
- Sure.
Seriously, like,
it's not gonna happen.
Okay, what if you and I
Were stuck on
a deserted island together
And you were getting
super horny.
You're diddling yourself
every night, sure.
But what you really need
is a penis.
Now, you're thinking,
"I'll go artificial."
You're looking for a dildo,
you're looking for a dildo.
You're searching the island.
You can't find one.
All of a sudden, you see me.
I just gave myself
a nice little saltwater bath.
I look great.
I shoot you a wink.
What are my chances?
Well, in that scenario,
I guess you might
actually have a shot.
Almont?
I've always wanted to eat here.
Huh, what a lucky guess.
But I'm not dressed for this.
I got it covered.
A-vooga-vooga!
Heh-La-La-La!
Yes, please.
I'm kidding.
But seriously,
you look really fucking good.
Joel, I can't believe
you got me this dress.
I've wanted it for so long.
Really?
No way.
Oh, my god, baby.
Who knew our tastes
were so sympatico?
Joel...
only on a dildo-Less
abandoned island, I know.
Fuck.
I think I broke my vagina.
Mm.
You know what's good as hell
when you're high?
What?
Motherfuckin' French fries.
Ah.
I can only burp like that
when I'm high.
Classy.
Okay.
I have something to tell you.
You're a lesbian?
What?
No.
Why would you even think that?
You're the one
that made me buy Charlene.
Oh, my god, you named her?
Yeah.
I even gave her a backstory.
She's had a hell
of a year, Charlene.
Abusive husband.
Children died
in a plane crash.
Went to rehab a few times.
Even tried to kill herself.
Aw.
But she's bouncing back.
One day at a time,
right, Charlene?
You're not high.
What?
That's what I had to tell you.
I just gave you
a plain old brownie.
There was no weed in it.
Was it even gluten-Free?
You bitch.
I'm sorry.
Oh, my god, I don't even know
what the fuck gluten is,
To be honest.
The nation's leading killer,
at the moment.
- Bullshit.
- Yeah.
Okay, wait a minute.
If I'm not high, then how
do you explain the fact
That I've been really fucking
high for the last two hours?
It's a placebo effect.
You had this preconceived notion
Of how you would respond
to the brownie,
So when you ate the brownie,
Your brain
automatically responded
As if the chemical reaction
were actually happening.
You fake-Drugged me?
- That's not funny.
- It's kind of funny.
No, it's not.
It's fucked up.
Well, you know what?
Then I guess
payback's a bitch,
And we're even.
Even for what?
I've never done anything
this fucked-Up to you.
Are you serious?
Oh, here we go.
Yeah, here we go.
Hm, yeah.
Hey, I took that.
It's actually one
of my favorite shots.
I love the way the light
hits your hair.
See the natural composition...
Fuck your composition.
That was my life
that you were photographing.
I mean, do you have any idea
when that was taken?
Prom.
Yeah, exactly.
The night that that asshole
from Murrysville
Who took my virginity
Decided to stand me up
and tell me
That I was just his dumb
little slam-Pig
Whom he wouldn't be seen
in public with.
I didn't know.
Yeah, no, nobody knew.
But you still went
and you posted the picture
Like it's just
no big fucking deal,
Because you have absolutely
no idea what it's like
To be a loser.
You want to know a secret?
This is the first time
on a Friday
I've actually done anything
in, like, months.
You know what I usually do
on Fridays?
I'll walk you through it.
I get home from class,
lay in bed,
And I masturbate,
Like, viciously,
Like, for five hours,
Like a marathon.
God!
And then I go to the fridge,
And I get a bunch of food,
and I eat my feelings.
Then I go to sleep.
Every Friday night.
I hate college.
I fucking hate it.
I hate everything about it.
I hate my classes.
I hate my professors.
They suck the fun
out of everything.
I'm failing every class.
I'm failing yoga.
How do you fail yoga?
You know what the worst part
of everything is?
This whole time we've been
having this conversation,
All I can think about
is how happy I am
To be in this gym,
Because...
I fucking miss high school
so bad.
And we will cue
the CW soundtrack...
right there.
I mean, really?
We were having a nice moment.
You got to be a bitch?
No, honestly, though,
I think that heather dumping you
Is probably the best thing
that could have happened.
Think about it.
She was giving you
A reason to resist
your new environment.
She was giving you an excuse
to hate it.
I think you're gonna like school
a whole hell of a lot better
When you go back.
Okay, seriously, though,
we need to leave right now,
Because I can't stand
this gym much longer.
I promised myself
the only way I would come back
Is if I had telekinetic powers,
And that has not happened today,
so let's go.
All right, but I'm driving.
What?
Why?
I know cool places too.
You're not high,
but you still can't catch.
Dad's dead!
Dad's dead.
Yo, my dad's dead, dad's dead.
I can't believe you like
what's eating Gilbert grape?
I thought I was
the only one.
Are you kidding me?
Okay, literally,
the only thing hotter
Than Leonardo Dicaprio
is, like,
A retarded Leonardo Dicaprio
wearing a fucking sexy diaper.
Ugh, that shit
makes me so wet.
Oh.
Okay, good.
Hey, do you want
to get retarded with me?
What's that?
It's ethyl.
It's like molly mixed
with bran muffin
And prune juice or something.
I hear it's supposed to be...
Totes Cray?
Exactly.
I thought that
you loved this stuff.
What gave you that impression?
I...
You Facebook stalked me.
What?
Lacy posted that
stupid shit on my wall,
Like, six hours ago,
About getting fucked up
on ethyl.
What is Facebook?
Is that a website?
In fact, this whole night
Has been a little too perfect,
hasn't it?
The restaurant, the dress,
Our... Our nonstop conversation.
The conversation was all me.
Really?
Because it's kind of weird
That all of your favorite things
are the same as mine.
Do you even like
what's eating Gilbert grape?
That was true.
That fat mom being lit on fire
at the end?
Fucking beautiful!
Killed me.
Okay, fine.
Fine, all right, so what?
What's the big deal?
I wanted to give you
a special time.
Is that a crime?
Am I in trouble?
Are you gonna yell at me?
I mean, I got one chance
to take you on a date,
And I just wanted to make sure...
I said no.
I think it's really sweet
you tried to impress me.
You do?
Yeah.
I mean, nobody cares
About what I think
or what I like.
But I don't get it.
If you're not
into this ethyl stuff,
Then why did you "like"
Lacy's post?
I don't like
half the stuff I "like."
It's just easier
to go along with everybody.
Thank you for dinner.
It was really retarded,
In a good way.
Well, I've got one more stop.
And I promise this
is gonna be something
You'll actually "like."
Oh!
I got three words:
Di-a-rrhea.
Am I right?
Slam dunk!
Whew.
All right, we're almost there.
Almost there, down the steps
to your deep, dark basement
Where you'll chop my body up
into a million pieces,
Reveal that you're
a serial killer,
And wear my skin until you die?
No, but I will do that
on our second date.
Oh, great.
This is a little bit
more awesome.
Oh.
Seriously?
Yeah, cool, right?
Oh, my god, how did you
even get in here?
I have connections.
Security guard was in my
community photography class.
Huh.
I've never actually
even been here.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I used to come here,
like, every Sunday.
Really, you?
'Cause I never pegged you
For the prototypical
football fan.
- Really?
- Yeah.
No, I love the football.
Oh, you love the football?
- Yeah.
- Mm-Hmm, yes.
Well, Mr. Football man,
How many points does one get
for a touchdown?
Hmm, here, wait,
let me think.
Oh, nice, good.
Yeah, awesome.
Oh, wait, almost got it.
That's the one
I was looking for.
Perfect form.
Well done.
All right, I don't know
anything about football.
But what I do know
Is they got some
bomb-Ass hotdogs here.
And the bathrooms are
way cleaner than you'd expect.
- Oh, classy.
- Yeah.
Classy stadium.
Yeah, we used to
come here every weekend.
My mom was a big fan,
So this was usually
the family outing.
I've never heard you talk
about your mom before.
It was cancer, right?
No, actually,
she was a Sagittarius.
What's your mom?
Yeah, she passed away
a few years ago.
Can we actually skip
this whole
"How did it feel
when she died?" Thing?
I have done that with
so many guidance counselors.
I am good.
Yeah, no, I mean,
I was already getting bored,
So I'm really glad
that we're moving on.
Thank you so much.
Awesome.
So, um...
what would you prefer
to talk about?
Actually,
you know the other night
When you said
it was "just sex"?
Mm-Hmm.
Was that, like "just sex"
one time,
Or could we just have "just sex"
Just again?
From the dead mom to sex.
That is a very impressively
smooth segue there, Romeo.
Mm, I'd say it's a touchdown.
Yeah, awesome.
It's not real without the dance.
Okay, there it is.
There you go, yeah, nice.
No, seriously, though,
You didn't answer the question.
Ah!
Ugh!
Oh, shit!
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
No, I thought it was gonna be,
like, romantic.
Oh, my god, are you okay?
It's okay, it's okay.
You okay?
I think I taste blood.
Oh, shit.
Oh, I think I taste blood.
All right, we're here.
So you brought me
to a place
I've been to
a billion times before?
Hit it.
Whatever it takes
You know I can
make it through
Degrassi?
That was my favorite show
growing up.
I know.
You performed the theme song
at the middle school talent show
Three years in a row.
My favorite episode
is when jimmy gets shot.
No, where Emma gets gonorrhea
in her throat.
No!
When spinner
gets ballsack cancer.
Oh, my god, so sad.
I almost cried.
Jesus, that show
is, like, really fucked up.
I know.
It goes there.
All right, and we're
gonna slow it down
With the after-The-Credits
version.
Ah, we have to dance.
I don't know how to dance.
Yes, you do know how to dance.
Come on.
Put your hands here.
Okay.
And then I put my hands
up here.
And now we just sway.
Sway.
Sway, sway.
Okay.
Move your hips.
But I don't want
to step on your feet.
You're not gonna step
on my feet.
Chillax.
But it could happen.
That's good, Joel-Ski.
You're lying.
I know you're lying.
I'm not lying.
Oh, my god.
This is just like the episode
where Clare left Eli
Because she found out
he was bipolar.
What's wrong?
Nothing.
You nervous?
No.
I mean, we've kind of
already done this before.
Yeah, it's just this time
I'm not covered in puke.
You're beautiful,
you know that?
You always were.
Shit.
Oh, my god.
Shit, is it 6:00 already?
I promised I would help set up
For my sister's
engagement party.
- Mm.
- Mm-Hmm.
Hey, does this shirt say, like,
"I don't want to be here,
and I don't give a fuck"?
Yeah.
Awesome, perfect.
You can come if you want to.
Really?
All right,
I love engagement parties.
All right, let's not make me
regret fucking you.
Hey, I was thinking about it.
Me and you should go
on a road trip.
What, like, over Christmas?
No, like, this week.
I have classes on Monday.
Well, then you can
just skip them.
I can't,
and I don't want to.
Come on, we can go somewhere
awesome, you know, like...
Kentucky.
You know, you're allowed
to have sex with your dog there.
That sounds fantastic,
But didn't you just tell me
That you were, like,
flunking out of school?
I don't really want
to go back anyways.
What are you talking about?
I just want to stay here,
you know?
Why am I gonna go back?
I mean, we've got all this
random shit in your trunk
That we can play with.
We could have sex
in parking lots every night.
Okay, yeah,
I really can't tell
If you're being serious
or not right now.
Dead.
No.
Come on, you already forget
about the fuck it list?
Let go a little.
Wow, you completely
misinterpreted
The entire purpose
of that exercise.
All I'm saying is that I want
to hang out with you more.
So why is that so bad?
You were supposed to take
lessons from the list
And apply them to
your new life in New York.
You're supposed
to kick ass in school
And meet new people
And have all
these great experiences.
You're not supposed to retreat
Back to whatever
is easy for you.
Come on.
You weren't that easy.
Really, dude?
Come on, I was kidding.
No, it's...
You know what, it's fine.
It's fine.
Can we not end on a fight?
We're not having a fight.
Just, like, chill out.
I just have to get back,
So just tell me
how to get to your house.
Why?
I thought we were going
to your house for the party.
I... Yeah, I got to check
and make sure that's cool.
You can just take route 28.
Okay.
Well,
that's the last one, boss.
That's it, huh?
Well, I suppose we should go
Before crackheads
and hookers move in.
Too late.
Hey, you made it.
So...
how was your night?
Did you kiss any dudes
And then run away crying
and leaving them stranded
With a shitty two-Person band
To talk about that one time
they almost got signed?
Joel, I like you.
Could have fooled me.
As a friend.
Oh, perfect.
I'm sorry I don't
like you more than that.
I wish I did.
Unfortunately for me,
I'm attracted to muscular,
More conventionally
attractive men.
That's not nice.
Why are you saying...
Is this supposed to be
making me feel better?
I almost slept with you
last night.
Again, not making me
feel better.
Joel, I wanted you
to be my friend.
I'm not like you.
I don't have anyone
to talk to.
What?
What are you talking about?
You're, like, you.
You're super popular.
Yeah, with people
I'm never going to talk to
Once I graduate.
Mandy, Stacy, and lacy
are totes retar.
My brother's
a self-Absorbed asshole.
Even my dad prefers
talking to you over me.
I feel comfortable
around you, Joel.
You listen to me,
and for some reason,
You like me for who I am.
I didn't want
to throw that all away
By having meaningless sex.
Am I making sense?
Thank you.
I felt so bad.
I'm sorry I abandoned you.
It's okay.
To be fair,
you warned me ahead of time
That you weren't interested.
Well, you were pretty hard
to discourage.
I know.
I guess I just wanted
my first time
To be with someone special.
First time?
No.
I mean my 17th time.
I wanted my 17th time
to be with someone special,
Because that's...
That's my lucky number.
That, and 69,
Because of... oral sex.
That's not how you do it.
Please don't tell anyone.
What about your tumblr?
I made that up.
Only boobs I've ever seen
are my mom's.
Joel!
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry; That's not funny.
No, it is.
My mom's titties are hilarious.
Well, lucky for you,
we're friends now.
Whew, should we get bracelets?
I was thinking
I'd get you laid.
Friends don't let friends
stay virgins,
And I happen to know a trio
Of overly promiscuous,
easily impressionable ladies.
So you're just going
to pimp them out?
Really?
Yes.
Okay, I can live with that.
Oh, Joel-Ski.
Oh, Janie.
Ah!
Sorry.
I didn't... Okay.
Ugh, at least turn off
your send receipt feature.
I mean, come on!
Hey, aren't you supposed
To be at shareef's
crazy rager tonight?
Yeah, I know shit.
Nah, I'm not in the mood.
Ah, come on.
Go on out and have some fun.
Just don't do Maria.
Who?
Maria.
It's molly.
Little bit of chili,
Little bit of cayenne pepper.
Muy Caliente.
I told you I know shit.
Chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!
Tori the whorie?
Don't call her that.
I cannot believe
you had sex with her.
What the fuck!
Ooh.
Her?
You're telling me
that you had sex
With that butter-Everything?
Did somebody say, "butter"?
What, are you crazy?
Hey!
Mental illness
is nothing to laugh at.
It's personal!
That was fucking awesome!
Heather, stop.
Yeah, you better run, bitch!
I didn't have sex with her.
You didn't?
Oh, Scotty,
I missed you so much.
For reals, boo.
Let's go back
to the way things were.
I'm not afraid to beat
the shit out of you, either,
Megatron.
Oh, Stan,
thank you for coming.
Stan the man.
Zack, how nice of you
to join us.
Zack attack.
Jennifer,
did you lose weight?
No, no, she didn't.
Whoo.
So you really think
Janie's gonna hook it up?
Hell yeah.
She gave me her word.
Finally gonna get to...
see some areolas
Ugh.
What, is it Scott again?
Yeah, he's at shareef's.
He just wanted to let me know.
So, what, you're just
gonna ignore him?
After I go back
to school tomorrow,
It's gonna be like this weekend
never even happened.
You are a fucking idiot.
You actually like him.
And I don't know
if you know this,
But you hate everyone,
Like, everyone.
You hate my grandma,
And she baked you
a birthday cake,
And she has alzheimer's.
Ow!
Who's that?
Joel, I got to go.
All right, bye, bitch.
Dad turned my room
into a gym.
Oh, I thought you were
setting up a trap to kill me.
Wow, I actually never
thought about doing that.
Weird.
So, why did you leave
your engagement party?
Did everyone get
explosive diarrhea
And have to go home?
No, why would that happen?
Uh, I don't know.
I mean, big punchbowl,
no one guarding it.
Things happen.
No, I just needed a break.
I mean, I love the family,
But sometimes
they drive me crazy.
You know what I mean?
Yes.
Oh, my god, I related to
a solid half of that statement.
So why aren't you
at shareef's party?
Wait, how do you even
know about that?
Sixth sense.
Don't you mean, like,
a fifth...
You know, never mind.
Too easy.
I mean, you know
that Scott likes you.
Well, you know,
that's too bad,
Because I don't like him.
Yes, you are full of shit.
Okay, fine, I like him.
But you know what?
It's complicated.
He's complicated.
Actually, you know what,
he's simple.
He's far too simple,
And so scared of everything.
I mean, I was so close
to fixing him.
He was so fucking close
to being...
Just like you.
With a penis!
He's not your project, Tori.
You can't force him
to be something he isn't.
You just have to accept him
for who he is.
Oh, my god,
how do you accept Gil?
I drink a lot.
I'm actually not even blind.
I'm just in a constant state
of blackout drunkness.
God, we have far more in common
that I thought.
I always knew you were gonna
grow up to be beautiful, Tori,
And that you were gonna have to
beat the boys away with a stick.
Just don't beat them all away.
I don't want to talk to you,
So leave a message,
mother-.
Fuck.
I won't take no
for an answer, Scott.
Heather?
What are you doing?
I found this
in shareef's mom's closet.
Isn't it fucking hot?
It'll jingle
while you fuck me.
Whoo!
I know you want
to do me, Scott.
I really don't,
and you're really racist.
Oh, my god.
Oh, your penis
no not think so.
Thank you.
Come again, please.
Get it?
It's, like, come?
Yeah, no, I got it.
Oops, look what I found
in your car.
It's almost big enough
for both of us.
Boop.
God, I missed you
so fucking much.
Ugh!
What's with all the violence?
Sorry, I'm on Rihanna.
It's molly mixed with steroids
and adrenaline.
Scott?
Has anyone seen Scott?
He's getting fingered
in the garage.
I'm sorry,
Scott is getting fingered?
No, but you are.
Okay.
Has anyone seen Scott?
Scott is here?
I love that guy!
Everybody, Scott's here!
You fucking miss me?
Please, no,
I do not want this.
Shh.
I love you so much.
Please, no, I hate you.
I fucking love you so much!
I fucking hate you!
I fucking hate you too!
Oh, my god.
This is too good.
Tori, wait.
Yeah, that one's
definitely the ugliest.
Tori, wait.
Come on.
Let go of me.
It wasn't what
it looked like, okay?
No, I came here
to apologize.
I came here to tell you
that I like you for who you are,
Only to find out
that you are a fucking asshole!
It's not what it looked like.
Heather basically raped me.
Oh, my god,
she weighs 90 pounds.
Just stay the fuck
away from me.
Tori, whorie.
Tori, whorie!
Whorie, whorie, whorie,
whorie, whorie, whorie,
Whorie, whorie, whorie!
She raped me!
All right,
my little sweethearts,
Name of the game
is strip cup.
Now, for every miss,
you have to...
take off an article of clothing.
And for every make,
We have to take off
an article of clothing too.
Yay.
Is she...
retarded?
Yes.
Sometimes I drink bleach.
Huh.
Hey, I got to talk to you.
Uh, I'm busy here.
What, with strip cup?
Come on, it's important.
Come on.
Okay, Tori's really pissed
at me, and I need your help.
Go fuck yourself.
Uh, excuse me?
Uh, shall I repeat myself?
I thought I was clear
the first time.
Okay, why are you being
such a bitch?
I just need your help.
If I had to guess,
I'd probably say
Tori's not talking to you
Because you're only ever
thinking about yourself.
That's not it.
Will you shut the fuck up?
The depth of your selfishness
is astonishing.
How dare you come to me
for advice?
You know how many times
I've tried talking to you
But you were too busy for me?
Too busy with your hair,
your photography, or heather,
Whatever bullshit
was consuming you at the time.
Look, I didn't know, okay?
You always seem so happy.
Well, that's kind of
the point.
You're only worrying
about yourself.
You're not aware
of your surroundings,
Let alone your only sister.
I'll see you at home, Scott.
- Wait.
- What are you doing?
I'm hugging you.
Why?
I don't know,
but I think we should.
Scott, enough.
This is way too Disney channel.
Yeah, I don't care.
Come on.
Let's hug it out.
I'm sorry.
I love you.
I love you too.
I knew you did.
So, I'm a self-Absorbed asshole,
right?
Pretty much.
I always wanted to do that.
Yeah, feel good?
Yeah, it feels great.
Okay, good; Good for you.
Oh, my god.
I know what I got to do
to get her back.
Unless you need me
to stay here and talk about...
Go.
Do you want another hug?
We can hug again.
Go, go.
Stacy got tired of waiting.
Excuse me.
Mata!
Pita?
Run!
No!
Sorry, man.
Take me as a hostage.
Scott, what the fuck
are you doing?
This.
I'm a complete asshole.
I'm selfish,
I'm self-Absorbed,
And I suck
pretty much all of the time.
Yeah, well, you're just
stating the obvious.
But I want to change.
I'm sorry about
the prom picture.
And I'm sorry about heather.
And I'm sorry if I ever
made you feel like...
I was better than you
Or that you didn't matter,
Because you do, so much.
What happened with heather
didn't mean anything to me.
Yesterday was the best day
of my life.
And I really wish it wouldn't
have taken me so long
To start my fuck it list.
Language.
You shut the fuck up.
I know that hating everything
and everyone
Is kind of your thing, but...
god, I don't hate you.
Damn it.
I don't hate you either.
Oh, my god.
Your hair looks like shit.
I don't care.
I do.
It was rape, all right?
I swear to god.
She tricked my penis
into a boner.
Shut up.
All right.
All done.
How does it look?
Mm...
mm-Hmm, mm-Hmm.
Awesome.
Yeah.
I want to go somewhere.
Looking like that?
Just kidding.
Not really.
Oh, my god!
What did you do?
Something pretty stupid,
But it was worth it.
Wow, what made you
do all this?
Well, if we didn't
throw a party,
How would Joel get laid?
Oh, yeah.
Where is that shit-Face?
He's in the back room
getting a lot of SDTs.
I'm sorry, what?
Oh, baby, you're
so fucking hot.
Well, not really,
But I have a lot of issues.
Ah!
Asshole, here I come.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Okay, quick question,
And let me know if this is,
like, totally out of line,
But it's always
been a dream of mine.
Is there any way
I could come on your tits?
Duhzeez.
Oh, those are so much
better than my mom's.
That is honestly...
the nicest thing any guy
has ever said to me.
This is totes our Rachel Mcadams
Ryan gosling notebook moment.
God damn it, you're sexy.
I know.
Hey, we don't really got
another place to go
And I know you don't
want to sleep alone
So take me home tonight
So I hit her with a
Oh, I know we don't got
another place to be
Come on.
I don't dance.
Oh, only in your living room?
Okay, well,
that's very, very different.
Oh-Ho-Ho, come on.
It's perfect.
Okay, okay, fine, fine.
Now that I've got you
I won't let you go
No, no, no, no
Now that I've got you
I won't let you go
To keep the light on,
honey
Is the least
that I can do
If I keep running back
to you
Hi, sweetie.
Dad, I'm sorry.
It's okay, it's okay,
it's okay.
This is perfect.
And all my
childhood dreams
Never turns out the way
that they're supposed to be
I don't want to live
a day past 29
Sorry, but the world
does not need to know
How I feel every second
of every day.
Call me crazy, but I think
That as soon as we comment
on the present,
We kind of lose it forever.
And the present
is where things happen.
Sometimes it's difficult.
Sometimes it's glorious.
But it's always
the place to be,
Because life happens
in the present,
One second to the next.
And if you're living
with one foot in the past,
Well, you're missing
a fucking foot.
892 train to Chicago,
now boarding.
Don't spit, god.
Sometimes it needs
some lubrication.
No, it does not.
Natural lubrication
Is one of the best types
of lubrication,
Especially when you're
eating fucking pussy.
God!
All right, cut.
That's some good-Ass shit.
Oh, my god, yeah, thank you.
Your mama teach you
how to make these brownies?
No, I...
Oh, your daddy taught you
how to make them brownies?
Go make them brownies.
Get the pot, girl.
You want some?
- No, no.
- I think I'm high.
I don't think it happens
that quickly.
Oh.
Hey, Kathleen.
I'm gonna come
on those tits
Wamp-wamp-wamp, dubstep remix.
Ch-Ch-Ch come
B-Zzz, dup-dup-dup, sperm
And that's the last time
I'll ever have sex
with an amputee again.
That's the last time I'll ever
have sex with a veteran again.
And that is the last time
I'll ever have sex
with a special Ed teacher.
Cut.
Sometimes I masturbate
with a blender.
Raper uses the same password
for all his secure files.
It's "titty fuck" with
three exclamation points.
"Cunt bunny"
with a smiley face.
"Ariana Grande's
tight little ass 420."
"Teeny ass 99."
"Titty boner"
with a smiley face.
"Pussy popper 88."
"Dripping wet clit 99."
"Anus party 85."
"The clits go marching
one by one."
"Clit massacre 89."
Okay, wait.
Three more!
"Titty titty bungalow 420."
"Pussy wagon pussy wagon
make me a cake."
Try something with "asshole"!
Okay.
Your tits are so fucking nice.
Oh, my god, you're so sweet.
You want to suck my nipple?
Okay.
Cut.
It's done.
Hey, oh love,
when you fall asleep
There's a piece of you
in every song I sing
Where your childhood
runs wild and free
Without me
Held your love
in a silver spoon
Walked outside
just to kiss the moon
Looking back,
I wish I kissed you
Kissed you
To keep the light on,
honey
Is the least
that I can do
If I keep running
back to you
Your heart
is a slow train coming
I'm afraid to make my move
If I keep running
back to you
Hey, old lover,
it's a lonely day
There's a record on
And the song remains
If we dance real slow
Until the music fades
Will we do the same
Held your heart
till the bitter end
You held my hand
like I was your best friend
In another life
we will meet again
Again
To keep the light on,
honey
Is the least
that I can do
If I keep running
back to you
Your heart
is a slow train coming
I'm afraid to make my move
If I keep running
back to you
If I keep running
back to you
You
You
You
If I keep running
back to you
If I keep running
back to you
then I start rockin'
The beat takes
then I start rockin '
Ah!
The beat takes
then I start rockin'
The beat takes
then I start rockin '
Go, go
So what you know about that
I make the party crack
Who doesn't love
thanksgiving break?
Me, Tori Gillespie.
Or, as everyone in high school
used to call me...
Whorie, whorie, whorie!
That nickname was meant
to be ironic, by the way,
Although I did have sex
with a zucchini once,
So I guess that was
kind of slutty.
Needless to say,
high school fucking sucked.
But here's the thing
about high school:
It ends.
And you get to go to college,
Where no one knows that you
were a bed-Wetter till 14,
Or that you broke your own hymen
with a baby carrot.
Only problem is,
when the holidays roll around,
You still have to go home.
Hi!
I missed you so much.
The Alleghany
railroad authority
Welcomes you to Pittsburgh.
Your train from New York...
I texted you
on my new phone!
Look at my sign!
Want to switch lives?
I'd rather eat my own shit.
And I do!
This is shit up in here.
And yet I'm still
jealous of you.
Where is she?
Yay!
I'm so happy you're home.
Yep, it's still you!
Unfortunately.
I can't wait
to stay up all night
Gossiping about
northwestern boys.
Or girls.
We don't judge.
Just don't talk details.
It gives your mother nightmares.
Nightmares,
it gives me nightmares.
Also, I have some huge news.
Oh, what, my train crashed and
I'm actually in hell right now?
Gil and I are getting married!
Ah!
Are you looking at it?
Yeah, I'm looking at it.
Is it beautiful?
Shit, this is why I'm glad
my family dead.
Ah!
Scott!
Scott!
Fucking look at me!
Ow!
Oh, I missed you
so much, boo.
Hey, maybe we should do this,
I don't know,
somewhere a little more private?
Ugh!
You are a fucking genius!
Ah!
I was actually thinking
maybe more like my place.
Shh, public sex
is way in right now.
It's the second most searched
term on youporn,
Right under
"brother sister stuff."
Shit!
Here, hold my invisalign.
Oh, my god.
It's a glory hole.
I've only seen these
in gay porn!
Why are you watching
gay porn?
Wee!
Who are you,
fucking spider-Man?
Gimme your dick!
Uh, I don't know
if I really want to.
You oddly resemble
The Alice in wonderland cat
right now.
Ugh, stop being such a pussy,
And give me your dick.
It's like the wall's
eating my penis.
What the hell is wrong
with these people?
I know.
Some motherfuckers
are so disgusting.
Oh, dear god.
Oh, here it comes.
Are you crying?
I'm sorry.
I didn't know how hard
this was gonna be.
Oh.
Well, do you want
to just, like...
parkour back over
and finish me off in here?
No, no.
I really wanted there
to be a wall between us
When I said this.
What are you...
What are you trying to say?
I'm sorry, Scott.
It's over.
What?
Okay, like, this is
super awkward, but...
could you put my invisalign
back in?
Seewell high school wishes you
a happy thanksgiving break.
Be good people.
Make good choices.
And I was like,
"that's the last time
I'm ever having sex
with the cafeteria lady again."
Bye, gross,
stupid fucking bitch!
Kidding.
Not really.
Janie, is that you?
Joel.
What are you doing here?
Huh, nothing much.
Just visiting
the old stomping grounds.
So are the rumors true?
I hear you've turned into
quite the pimp at Cornell.
You follow my tumblr?
No.
Well, you should.
I post a lot of blogs
About my wild adventures,
Or, as I titled them,
"Assventures."
So...
that sounds kind of gay.
I disagree.
Well, welcome home, Joel.
I'll see you around.
Hey, I'm gonna be
helping your dad out
At the vinyl vault
this weekend,
If you want to stop by.
Yeah, maybe.
Yeah, man,
it's gonna be tough
To box up that whole place
by Monday, you know?
Why are you boxing it up?
'Cause your dad
is closing it down,
Which I'm guessing
He wanted to tell you himself.
Hell yeah,
I think that went well.
Ooh, you're fixin'
my hair
I can see
that you've read them.
Well, I see college
hasn't altered
Your sophisticated
eating habits any.
Not now, dad.
Hey, what do you say
we check out
This surrealist
photography exhibit
At the art museum this weekend?
I'd say I'm su-really
not in the mood right now.
So, no.
Want to talk about it?
What the hell, dad?
You're closing the store?
What?
The vault's an institution.
I was gonna tell you guys
about that this weekend.
Yet you told Joel
before us.
Joel's my best employee.
He's easy to talk to.
Kind of soothing,
Like a woman.
Are we broke?
Come on in here.
Sit down;
Let's talk about this.
Yes, I'm selling the shop.
No, we're not broke.
Truth is, the store is doing
pretty well financially.
But most of the business
is from collectors online,
So keeping the store open
doesn't make sense anymore.
Also, I met someone.
You did?
Anastasia.
A stripper?
What?
I mean, with a name like that,
She's either a Disney princess
or a total slut.
Come on, she's a vinyl
collector down in Florida.
Boo.
And I was thinking
After Janie graduated
this spring,
I'd move down there with her.
This is place is gonna be
Way too big for just me,
anyhow.
But, hey,
We have one last thanksgiving
at home before we move.
That'll be fun, right?
Okay.
Good talk.
Am I doing it right?
No!
Lou, pop your ass!
I can't believe my parents
turned my room into a gym.
Lou, pop that ass!
Watch my ass pop.
Your ass is poppin'.
Yeah.
Girl, it could be worse.
I know a chick whose parents
Turned her room
into a sex dungeon.
Not sure that's worse.
Pop that ass,
pop that ass, pop that ass.
Girl, why don't you
go out tonight,
Get your mind off things?
The only way that
I could get my mind off things
Would be to join a cult and
get myself fucking brainwashed.
Girl, don't even play
about that shit.
I joined a cult once
because they had red track suits
And I wanted
a red track suit.
The amount of innocent
I saw slain...
was not worth
that red track suit.
Oh, god.
Apparently, there is
a kegger on plum street
By the creek.
A kegger by the creek?
Tell me you made that shit up.
It sounds like a horror movie.
Oh, believe me,
it is all too real.
Well, then go, and take video.
I want to see where
Tori the whorie comes from.
No, look, the whole point
of going to college
Is to get away
from all of the people
That you hated in high school.
Why would I want
to go back to that?
I mean, it would be
like taking a massive shit
And then shoving it
right back up my butt.
Really, girl?
Plus, I'm totally fine
spending the night in.
Oh, oh, I'm gonna fart.
Oh, go ahead, honey.
No, it's gonna be so loud.
Oh, come on, we've been
married for 25 years.
Oh, my god;
Oh, my god.
I...
I have messed myself.
Ooh.
Ooh, yeah.
Mm, mm.
Oh, okay, okay.
Girl, you need
to get out that house.
I'll send you videos.
Yo, queef, sick party!
Thank you, my friend.
I hope you're enjoying
the delicious libations
And jovial atmosphere, yeah?
How did you get your parents
To let you have the house
all weekend?
Oh, not even a problem,
brother.
You see, I have an open dialogue
with Mata and Pita.
They respect me as an adult,
And they trust
my wise decisions.
I just threw up
in this genie bottle.
That's my grandmother!
Let her out, man.
Let her out!
I was like, "excuse me
and my awkward approach"
Hey, this is
my personal hell.
Shit, shit.
Aw, that's adorable.
You're still obsessed with her.
No, I'm not still
obsessed with her.
Yes, you are.
When is her birthday?
January 15th, 1996.
Nice try.
Everyone knows that.
Well, no one give's a fuck
about me,
So only you should know,
when's my birthday?
Um...
today?
Oh, my god, today.
Happy birthday, happy birthday!
Happy birthday!
Hmm, I fucking hate you.
Listen, this is
my last chance.
Janie is moving down to Florida
at the end of the school year.
- Oh, my god.
- I know.
- No way.
- Yes.
Oh, my god, that means
you're only gonna have
Christmas break and spring break
To not fuck her.
False, because I have to go
Visit my stupid,
dying grandparents
In Arizona for Christmas.
Boring.
Then I'm hitting up Cancun
with the pussy posse
For spring break.
I'm sorry, what the fuck
did you just say?
Pussy posse?
Oh, it's my Cornell boys.
Oh, that's so cute.
You know, if you ever
use that nickname again,
I'm gonna punch you
in the penis.
Okay, you're being
very aggressive.
Just hear me out.
This is my last shot
Before she is
out of my life forever.
Okay, um, look,
I'm gonna try really,
really hard
Not to be a dick here,
Because I can tell you're, like,
Really sensitive
and everything.
She was not into you
in high school.
She's not into you now.
And she's never
gonna be into you.
But I just... You know, I feel
like it's time we move on.
Okay.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
You're right.
Shit, you, like...
You handled that really well.
Psych, no,
I'm fucking with you.
She's totally gonna
sit on my face later, like...
wow, that's really not
how that goes down at all,
So it's clear
you've never done that.
Yes, I have, I've eaten out,
like, 17 pussies.
Or 23.
I don't know.
I know it's a prime number.
God, please stop doing that.
Did you spit?
- Yes.
- That's disgusting.
- A little bit.
- Don't spit.
Where did the straw come from?
My backpack.
You have a fucking backpack?
Yes, I have a backpack.
It's an adventure.
It's like a hike.
Ugh!
This party is lame.
I've only been roofied and
fingered, like, twice tonight.
I mean, what is this,
a bar mitzvah?
Let's hit up that party
on oak street.
I heard ethyl's gonna be there!
Ew, is that your grandma?
No offense,
but last time I saw her,
She pretended to trip and
grabbed my cooch for balance.
My dad is always tripping.
No, you stupid fucking dumb
Ecuadorian bitch!
Ethyl's that new hybrid drug
Everybody's been
blah-blah-ing about.
It's molly mixed
with old people medicine.
It's supposed to be totes Cray.
Well, anyone who would do that
is totes retar.
Holy Zachary Quinto's
eyebrows!
She's learning!
No, seriously, though,
Haven't we been doing
too many drugs lately?
You totally had me, bitch!
Oh, holy shit,
that's my fucking jam!
Mandy, hold my legs.
Yeah.
Ah, I think I queefed.
Stop looking at my ass,
you whore.
Photo bomb!
Shit, I'm sorry.
Fuck, let me help you.
I'll fix it.
Let me help you dry it off.
I'll dry it off.
I highly advise you
Not to touch any
of the hand towels, okay?
I got it from here.
Right.
More toilet paper.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
There you go.
It's not creepy at all.
Huh?
Oh, yeah, my bad.
Sorry.
So...
have you started
applying to schools yet?
A few.
I don't know
where I want to go yet.
If you're thinking
of Cornell,
You can always
come visit with me.
My dorm is super cool.
We have a swimming turtle
named randy.
So, pretty fucking awesome.
Cornell?
Not with the "C" I have
in Mr. Draper's class.
Draper the raper?
Thought he'd give you
an a-Plus with those titties.
I mean, god damn.
Thanks?
Does he still schedule
that stupid midterm
For the day
after thanksgiving break?
Yup.
Turns out he's not only a perv,
He's also a fascist.
You know, I could help you.
I mean, I aced...
I aced draper's class.
I knocked that midterm
out of the park.
I remember he actually
said to me, and I quote,
"You made that midterm
your bitch."
Or, no... Or he said,
"you did a good job."
But he meant it, so...
I mean, don't worry.
No charge.
Just two study buddies
doing what they do,
Shooting the shit.
Whip out a highlighter or two,
Make some marks
on those textbooks.
I don't give a fuck
what the librarian says.
Okay, what the hell.
Seriously?
- Mm-Hmm.
- Okay.
Yeah, yes.
So you will not regret this.
I promise.
How is 8:00 on Friday?
Sounds good.
Good, I think so too, yeah.
Okay.
Bye.
I love you, so much.
This is the first time
I've drank in, like, ever.
But I feel totally fine.
Yeah, no, you look
totally great,
Not at all like a rhino
Who's been shot
with a tranquilizer gun.
Uh-Oh.
I think the fucking
tikka masala shit's
Gonna come back up.
Whew, I feel so much better now.
Want to hook up?
She said yes.
Move, fuckers.
She said yes, she said yes,
she said yes.
Oh, no.
Yeah.
So I'm gonna go now.
Hey, motherfuck,
Did you not hear me?
She said yes.
Oh, my god,
that is so exciting.
Hey, at what point
in this conversation
Are we going to acknowledge
that I'm covered in vomit?
What am I gonna wear?
Should I wear a suit?
Maybe one of those
sexy-Ass tight vests
With, like, a dragon on it
for no fucking reason.
And she's like, "what's that?"
And I'm like,
don't worry about it.
But I don't know
where to take her for dinner,
Because I obviously want
to take her somewhere nice,
But I don't want
to freak her out.
There's about ten
different restaurants
Up in that girl's vomit,
So you can take your pick.
Text me.
Suck a dick.
No.
Shit, look, I'm sorry,
But you came out of nowhere.
Scott?
Do I know you?
We went to
high school together.
And middle school,
And elementary.
Tori the whorie?
And we're back.
Wow.
You look kind of good now.
You know, that nickname
Might not even be
that ironic anymore.
Charming, okay.
Well, you're not dead,
so I'm gonna go.
But this has been so fun.
Thank you.
Ugh.
Fuck.
Can I get a ride?
So you know this is
a really bad idea, right?
It says the party is
only one mile from here.
Oh, fantastic,
I'm glad there's an app
That can make stalking
more efficient.
I'm not stalking, okay?
I'm merely using technology
to help me locate someone
Who doesn't want to talk to me
at the moment.
Which is stalking.
Mm-Hmm.
Ooh, make that left.
You do realize that
you're pathetic, right?
You do realize that
you're covered in vomit, right?
Besides, heather's
gonna take me back.
Oh, fantastic, so not only
are you a stalker,
But you're a misogynist too.
And I'm a romantic.
Ho-Ho, and why would
heather take you back?
'Cause I think she's
made it perfectly clear
That she wants nothing
to do with you.
She just needs
some time to think
And, you know, reevaluate.
She'll be fine.
Oh, wow.
Because obviously she must be
in a weird mental place
To dump you, Mr. Perfect
with the amazing hair.
Think I have amazing hair?
Oh, my god,
you know you're attractive.
It's annoying.
Wow, amazing hair
and I'm attractive?
Yeah, here I go.
Wait a minute.
Are you into me?
No, god,
I'm not into you.
I mean, would I have sex
with you?
Yeah, probably, but that does
not mean that I'm into you.
You'd have sex with me?
Wow, I mean, I'm not surprised.
I'm just surprised
that you actually admitted that.
Oh, my god, it's 2014.
Women should be able
to openly talk about sex.
I mean, I know
what year it is.
I'm just saying...
Okay, here's the thing,
prom king.
Women think about sex
all the time,
Including your precious,
wonderful heather.
So if she wanted you
in her bed,
You wouldn't be in this car
with me right now.
And that is a fact.
Oh, wait,
hold on one second,
Because I really want
to film this,
Because fail videos
always go viral.
Go on.
Yeah, I don't know.
Maybe now isn't the best time.
Oh, no, come on, Scott.
The internet wants to see you
Get kicked in the balls
really bad.
Why are you so mean?
I'm mean?
Wow, that's a double standard.
I recall it going a little bit
differently in high school.
Maybe nobody has told you
that high school is over.
That big ceremony thing
that we all did,
That was graduation,
Where we all move on
And we all do different things.
You don't stay here
and be like,
"Oh, I was prom king; I'm cool,
So that means
I'm cool forever."
Nobody gives a shit.
So maybe it's time
that you try something new.
Try something
a little bit different,
'Cause obviously this whole...
Wait, wait.
I don't have
any condoms on me.
Who are you?
Tori the whorie.
Oh, yeah,
I came up with that name.
Yeah, you're an asshole.
Tori the whorie
is back, bitch!
Okay, first of all,
She never existed.
Second of all,
it was a mistake.
It was a big, stupid mistake.
How big?
What?
Come on, girl,
give me something.
I haven't looked at porn
since I got home.
It was huge, enormous.
And he put it in my butt
And slapped me in my face
with it.
I know you're lying, but...
thank you.
I just... I really want
to forget about it.
So you're not
gonna see him again?
No, it was a one-Time thing.
I'm never talking
to that douche again.
Mm-Hmm.
And does he know that?
Oh, please.
Scott is so far
up his own ass,
He won't even notice.
How far?
Here's the turkey.
Here's the bird.
Hey, I'm sorry you guys
got stuck over here.
Hey, at least we don't
have to sit with crazy aunt Flo.
Did I ever tell you
about the time
I got abducted by aliens?
Funny story, actually.
Their queen impregnated me,
And the baby grew to full size
in less than eight hours.
And then it ate its way
out of my uterus.
Want to see the scar?
Why can't we just have
an alcoholic aunt
Like every other family?
Today, you can consider me
an alcoholic father.
Hey, you remember
Tori the whorie?
The girl whose pimples
used to pop in the sunlight?
That was graphic.
Yes.
You should see her now.
She looks totally different.
Uh, no thanks.
No, seriously, look.
She's, like, photoshopped.
No, seriously,
I'm not interested
in your dumb little crush.
I don't have a crush.
I mean, that's ridiculous.
You know what else
is ridiculous?
"Modern medicine."
I mean, why do I need
a "doctor"
To tell me that I'm "crazy"
And a "danger to myself
and others"?
I mean, hello?
I already have the voices
in my head telling me that.
I can't kill them.
They're family.
You know mental illness
runs in our family, right?
Hey, as long as baldness
doesn't, then I'm fine.
Ugh.
But what I'm most thankful for
Is joining
this wonderful family.
I feel like the luckiest man
in western P.A.
Aw, heck, in the entire state
of Pennsylvania.
Ah!
Marissa, honey, what are you
most thankful for?
Well, other than this
beautiful treasure of a man.
I don't even know
where to begin.
Great, next.
I'm thankful
that my paintings
Were selected
to hang at the met.
Oh, you did, oh.
Oh, and that I finally
learned how to drive!
Yes!
Scary.
You did.
You're an inspiration, sweetie.
Yeah, no, we get it,
she's perfect.
Now, could somebody please
pass the wine
So I can drink
till I black the fuck out?
Language!
Look, I'm real nice
when I'm drunk.
Yeah.
Aw, she's pretty.
Gah!
How did you get in here?
The real question is,
How did we get here?
P'shoo!
Ah.
What?
I hope you like it.
I can't believe
you made this from scratch.
Who wants to play
dance central?
I do!
I want to kill myself.
Yay!
Let's play.
Hey, tore,
can you get the door?
Gil, you are so clever.
What can I say?
She's rubbing off on me.
Okay, well,
if I'm not back in five,
Assume that I'm dead,
And don't come looking for me.
Okeydokey, honey.
Yeah, Gil,
you should try my pie.
What the hell?
Hey.
Did you run here?
I needed to talk to you,
And you weren't
answering your phone.
Yeah, it's thanksgiving,
And my mom makes us
put our phones and beepers
In a basket before we
sit down to the table.
Who has a beeper?
Gil.
I'm a doctor!
Orthodontist!
So you wanted something?
When we had sex last night...
Oh, my god, dude.
My parents are, like,
right in there.
Sorry.
When we had sex last night...
Did you feel something?
Uh, it took me a minute,
but yeah.
Come on, I'm serious.
Like... Like a...
connection?
Oh, my god.
Please do not say things
like that.
I mean, it's so prom-Y.
You're, like,
so stuck in high school.
It's really frightening.
You can't say
you didn't feel anything.
I mean, I thought
it was pretty clear
That we were just two
sad, horny adults
Getting some in a car.
It was just sex, nothing more.
Okay, look, I get it.
You're like...
Your girlfriend dumps you,
And then you randomly
hook up with me,
And you're, like,
all confused and shit.
And I understand.
But I think it's best
if you just, like,
Leave me out of the equation
altogether, okay?
Tortellini!
What's going on?
Nothing, mom, we're just...
Ooh, who's this
strapping young man?
He was actually
just leaving.
Hey, I'm Scott,
friend of Tori's.
Got a grip.
Friend, that's interesting.
Well, come on in, Scott.
We're just about to play
dance central.
Yeah, I do have
some pretty sick moves.
You know, in high school,
They used to call me
a depressed dog.
Oh, no, why?
Well, 'cause I ain't got
no bones!
Oh, whoa!
Ah!
Did they also call you
the scarecrow?
'Cause you ain't got no brain!
Okay, I like
Scott's joke better.
Come on, I'll steal you.
We're dancing.
Hm!
Good.
Seriously?
She's an inspiration!
Perfect!
Awesome!
Marissa wins.
Okay, Tora the explorer,
It's your turn.
Come on, tore,
hit the dance floor.
They just come to me.
Oh, what's wrong,
Angelina Tori?
Scared to lose?
No, no, no,
I just hate dancing.
Hm, you seem
to hate a lot of things.
Yeah, I do.
I hate everything and everyone.
It's kind of my thing.
Oh, well, we don't hate you,
tore.
I'm a little scared of you,
but I don't hate you.
Oh, it's okay.
You know what, fine.
Fine, I will play.
But if I win,
you have to leave.
All right.
But if I win...
you have to kiss me.
I want to play!
Or Tori can play.
Cool move.
Awesome!
Right on.
Hey, we work
pretty well together.
This is how I always pictured
black people playing this game.
We're much stronger
as a team.
We should challenge
Marissa and Gil.
I don't really do teams.
Well, maybe you'll find
that having a partner
To keep you on beat
is a good thing.
I mean, I'm not saying
We should start an official
dance club or anything.
Foot slide!
I'm saying maybe just try it
for one game, you know?
Slap the ground!
What do you think?
Might make you
a better dancer.
You know what?
Maybe I don't want a partner
Who's merely average-Sized,
Somewhat herky-jerky,
And pays nowhere close
to the attention to detail
That one would expect
from an aspiring photographer.
Tori wins.
Congrats.
Guess I got to go now, right?
Aw.
Happy thanksgiving.
Bye.
And you are my radio
Turn you up when I feel low
You are the soundtrack
to all I know
You are the rock
to my roll
What's eating Gilbert grape?
I love that movie.
Oh.
Wow, baby, you're good at that.
Where did you learn?
Did your mama teach you?
Oh, god,
you are the blowjob queen.
Someone should give you
a crown made out of dicks,
Made out of wangs.
I'm gonna cum.
Oops-A-Daisy.
Don't want to come
in your mouth.
You're a lady.
Where should I do it?
Ah, idea.
On those tits!
Hey, what you looking at?
The internet.
There's just pictures
Of arctic creatures,
polar bears.
- Polar bears.
- Going extinct.
I see.
Yo, dick-muncher, time to go.
Black Friday's almost over,
And I haven't seen
anybody die yet.
Oh, this...
Homework.
Sex-Ed.
Never mind.
Okay, so this one
is a bit on the pricier side.
But she pinned it
multiple times
To her personal pinterest page,
And I want her to feel
as beautiful as I do right now,
Which is very.
I just want you to realize
how fucked up this is.
If by "fucked up"
you mean awesome
And sexually stimulating,
then I agree.
But I need you
to focus right now,
Because I need
your brutal honesty.
Yeah, that's way too slutty.
If you give that to her,
She's gonna think
that you're trying to bang her.
But I am.
Yes, I know.
But the key is
to make her forget that.
Good note.
Hey, Tori.
What the fuck?
Hey, crazy, right?
Uh-Huh.
Um, hey, I just want
to say sorry
For coming to your family's
dinner last night.
That was...
I shouldn't have done that.
It was inappropriate.
Yeah, you know what else
is inappropriate?
You stalking
my instagram account
And following me here.
Does this look too, like,
"ooh, I did anal once,
And now it's all I want"?
Scott.
Did Janie send you?
What?
No, why would she?
No reason.
Okay.
So back to you stalking me.
Aw, you thought
I'm stalking you?
No, I was just taking pictures
in the mall,
And I saw you
through the window.
'Cause that doesn't
sound creepy.
I like shooting
all the black Friday craziness.
Usually get
some pretty cool stuff.
I mean, for the most part,
It's just random people
getting tasered.
All right, let me see that.
Dude, this is fucked up.
Would you send these to me?
Aw.
Oh, I found your fetish.
- It's not a fetish.
- Uh-Huh.
Hey, look close.
You see how that old couple
is sitting perfectly
Right between that trash can
and that stained glass window
And that fountain?
It's like...
It's kind of like beauty
meets its opposite.
You know?
Amidst all the craziness
of black Friday
And everybody's
freaking out around them,
They're safe, you know?
They found their little place
to go and share a kiss.
It's kind of cute, beautiful.
Oh, my god.
I didn't sleep
with the cool guy.
I slept with
the formerly cool guy
Who's actually
a big frickin' dork.
- I'm not a dork.
- Uh-Huh.
- I'm cool.
- Oh.
I'm currently cool.
Oh, okay.
So then, just tell me
One currently cool thing
that you've done
Post-Graduation.
What are you doing later?
I don't know, why?
'Cause we're hanging out.
- Really?
- Mm-Hmm.
All right.
But I am driving,
And I am planning everything.
And you have to do
everything that I say.
All right, deal.
All right.
Now go continue taking
those creepy pictures,
And quit stalking me.
Is this guy stalking you?
I used to wait for her
after school
By the gates with my books,
baby, feeling a fool
I used to walk her home
every night
In the summer or winter,
in the sun or ice
Fuck it list.
Okay, what is this,
some kind of bucket list?
Yeah, except
you don't die in it.
I mean, spoiler alert.
Okay, this is
what I'm talking about.
You're like, so regimented.
I mean, everything about you
Has to be, like,
so fucking perfect,
Or you, like, freak out.
So, what I'm gonna do
Is just loosen you up
a little bit.
I'm not shaving my head.
Okay, one thing at a time.
Seriously, I'm not doing it.
That's what I'm talking about.
You're so regimented.
- Look at it.
- I see it.
Look at the way it flows.
No, yeah, I see it.
Look at how it moves.
You know what, this is
exactly what I'm talking about.
You're so set in your little
perfect Scott hair ways.
Fine, okay, can we just do
something a little easier
To ease me into it?
Yeah, absolutely.
I thought we should
probably start
With number four.
No, I'm not gonna do that.
- Yeah.
- No.
Oh, you certainly are.
No fucking way.
- No, you're gonna do it.
- No.
Seriously, just poop already.
I'm trying, okay?
I have a sensitive stomach.
Oh, my god.
Turn around.
What?
Turn around.
Seriously?
This is ridiculous.
Plug your ears.
- What are you doing?
- It's gonna be loud.
Ugh.
Scott?
Shit!
Abort mission!
Abort mission!
Go, go!
- It's locked.
- Just get in!
Get the fuck in the car!
Ugh, why weren't you
into poop stuff
When we were together?
We have fun,
we have fun
We got the summer nights
under our tongues
Oh, my god.
Don't even.
What...
Asshole.
We have fun,
we have fun
Uh-Uh.
Mm-Hmm.
We have fun,
we have fun
Better late than never,
I guess.
Yeah, it's so true.
Well, it's hard to prepare
for it when it's rape.
Kidding.
No, I'm totally kidding.
Yeah, I definitely,
definitely wanted it.
Mm-Hmm.
Especially because
it wasn't with him.
She's kidding.
No, I'm not.
Well, good luck with the baby.
Oh, thank you, yeah.
We are gonna need it.
You have a nice day, ma'am.
Yeah, bye.
Whoa!
No way.
Oh, come on.
Don't be a pussy.
It's permanent.
Yeah.
Okay, you know what, fine.
I have another idea.
I don't want to do it.
It's gonna hurt.
Stop being such a baby.
Ay, can you please
hurry the fuck up?
My daughter is waiting.
Go!
See?
That wasn't that bad.
Oh, I guess it wasn't.
Uh.
Is anyone else
losing their vision?
Uh...
at least he didn't
pierce your dick.
I'm not really
a pot kind of guy.
You know what, that's fine.
I'll get the clippers.
Give me that fucking brownie.
Oh, my god.
Okay, what if it makes me
all chatty and paranoid
And annoying?
Oh, my gosh, then we're gonna
know that it didn't work.
Is it gluten-Free?
I have a really
sensitive stomach.
Oh, my god, I know you have
a sensitive everything.
Yes, it's gluten-Free.
Oh, my god.
That's fucking good.
I know.
That's real good.
Isn't that good?
I think I'm high.
We have fun,
we have fun
We got the summer nights
under our tongues
Are you ready?
We have fun,
we have fun
We got the summer nights
under our tongues
Your car broke down,
So you rented a party bus?
I did, yeah.
Every once in a while,
It's just nice
to treat yourself.
Quit the bullshit, Joel.
What's going on?
No bullshit.
Nothing is going on,
Besides the start
of our glorious evening.
No sex in the car, kids.
Last thing I want to see
Is two underage,
Semi-Ethnic-Looking,
Possibly native American
teenagers
Making a mess on my
brand-new pleather interior,
Forcing me to
lap, lap, lap it up
Like a golden retriever
on a hot-Ass day.
Fuck.
Well, I feel safe.
Don't worry about her.
I'll kick her ass.
I'm here for you.
Joel, I don't have time
for this.
I have 200 years
of European history
To memorize by Monday.
Which is why
I am going to help you
Connect those boring,
mundane facts
To ideas that are
personal to you.
How?
Okay, champagne.
What do you think of
when you drink champagne?
Old people, headaches.
Okay, perfect,
let's go with headaches.
Champagne is from France.
It was originally used
in the coronation of kings.
King Louis XVI
also got a headache
When he was beheaded
by his own subjects
On January 21st, 1793,
During the French revolution.
- Not bad.
- Yeah.
Just letting you know
I'm changing the atmosphere up
a bit.
Ah!
Why is my ass getting hot?
Seat warmers!
You're welcome.
Well, anyway,
a few mnemonic devices
Won't be enough to get me an "a"
in draper's class.
You knew about
mnemonic devices?
What I don't know
is what to study.
Draper's cramming way too many
chapters into one test.
Well, I don't go back
to Cornell
Until Sunday, so...
and I thought you were
actually gonna help me study.
- Pull over.
- Wait, wait, hold on.
Hold on.
Would this help?
You have the test?
Draper uses the same password
for all his secure files.
It's "Ariana Grande's
puffy nipples 555."
Well, why didn't you
lead with this
Instead of the lame mnemonic?
Well, once you had
the actual test,
There'd be no reason
for you to hang out with me.
Joel.
I still want to hang out
with you.
I just don't want
to lead you on.
Like, nothing's gonna happen
between us.
Fuck!
No, duh, I know that.
- Yeah.
- Sure.
Seriously, like,
it's not gonna happen.
Okay, what if you and I
Were stuck on
a deserted island together
And you were getting
super horny.
You're diddling yourself
every night, sure.
But what you really need
is a penis.
Now, you're thinking,
"I'll go artificial."
You're looking for a dildo,
you're looking for a dildo.
You're searching the island.
You can't find one.
All of a sudden, you see me.
I just gave myself
a nice little saltwater bath.
I look great.
I shoot you a wink.
What are my chances?
Well, in that scenario,
I guess you might
actually have a shot.
Almont?
I've always wanted to eat here.
Huh, what a lucky guess.
But I'm not dressed for this.
I got it covered.
A-vooga-vooga!
Heh-La-La-La!
Yes, please.
I'm kidding.
But seriously,
you look really fucking good.
Joel, I can't believe
you got me this dress.
I've wanted it for so long.
Really?
No way.
Oh, my god, baby.
Who knew our tastes
were so sympatico?
Joel...
only on a dildo-Less
abandoned island, I know.
Fuck.
I think I broke my vagina.
Mm.
You know what's good as hell
when you're high?
What?
Motherfuckin' French fries.
Ah.
I can only burp like that
when I'm high.
Classy.
Okay.
I have something to tell you.
You're a lesbian?
What?
No.
Why would you even think that?
You're the one
that made me buy Charlene.
Oh, my god, you named her?
Yeah.
I even gave her a backstory.
She's had a hell
of a year, Charlene.
Abusive husband.
Children died
in a plane crash.
Went to rehab a few times.
Even tried to kill herself.
Aw.
But she's bouncing back.
One day at a time,
right, Charlene?
You're not high.
What?
That's what I had to tell you.
I just gave you
a plain old brownie.
There was no weed in it.
Was it even gluten-Free?
You bitch.
I'm sorry.
Oh, my god, I don't even know
what the fuck gluten is,
To be honest.
The nation's leading killer,
at the moment.
- Bullshit.
- Yeah.
Okay, wait a minute.
If I'm not high, then how
do you explain the fact
That I've been really fucking
high for the last two hours?
It's a placebo effect.
You had this preconceived notion
Of how you would respond
to the brownie,
So when you ate the brownie,
Your brain
automatically responded
As if the chemical reaction
were actually happening.
You fake-Drugged me?
- That's not funny.
- It's kind of funny.
No, it's not.
It's fucked up.
Well, you know what?
Then I guess
payback's a bitch,
And we're even.
Even for what?
I've never done anything
this fucked-Up to you.
Are you serious?
Oh, here we go.
Yeah, here we go.
Hm, yeah.
Hey, I took that.
It's actually one
of my favorite shots.
I love the way the light
hits your hair.
See the natural composition...
Fuck your composition.
That was my life
that you were photographing.
I mean, do you have any idea
when that was taken?
Prom.
Yeah, exactly.
The night that that asshole
from Murrysville
Who took my virginity
Decided to stand me up
and tell me
That I was just his dumb
little slam-Pig
Whom he wouldn't be seen
in public with.
I didn't know.
Yeah, no, nobody knew.
But you still went
and you posted the picture
Like it's just
no big fucking deal,
Because you have absolutely
no idea what it's like
To be a loser.
You want to know a secret?
This is the first time
on a Friday
I've actually done anything
in, like, months.
You know what I usually do
on Fridays?
I'll walk you through it.
I get home from class,
lay in bed,
And I masturbate,
Like, viciously,
Like, for five hours,
Like a marathon.
God!
And then I go to the fridge,
And I get a bunch of food,
and I eat my feelings.
Then I go to sleep.
Every Friday night.
I hate college.
I fucking hate it.
I hate everything about it.
I hate my classes.
I hate my professors.
They suck the fun
out of everything.
I'm failing every class.
I'm failing yoga.
How do you fail yoga?
You know what the worst part
of everything is?
This whole time we've been
having this conversation,
All I can think about
is how happy I am
To be in this gym,
Because...
I fucking miss high school
so bad.
And we will cue
the CW soundtrack...
right there.
I mean, really?
We were having a nice moment.
You got to be a bitch?
No, honestly, though,
I think that heather dumping you
Is probably the best thing
that could have happened.
Think about it.
She was giving you
A reason to resist
your new environment.
She was giving you an excuse
to hate it.
I think you're gonna like school
a whole hell of a lot better
When you go back.
Okay, seriously, though,
we need to leave right now,
Because I can't stand
this gym much longer.
I promised myself
the only way I would come back
Is if I had telekinetic powers,
And that has not happened today,
so let's go.
All right, but I'm driving.
What?
Why?
I know cool places too.
You're not high,
but you still can't catch.
Dad's dead!
Dad's dead.
Yo, my dad's dead, dad's dead.
I can't believe you like
what's eating Gilbert grape?
I thought I was
the only one.
Are you kidding me?
Okay, literally,
the only thing hotter
Than Leonardo Dicaprio
is, like,
A retarded Leonardo Dicaprio
wearing a fucking sexy diaper.
Ugh, that shit
makes me so wet.
Oh.
Okay, good.
Hey, do you want
to get retarded with me?
What's that?
It's ethyl.
It's like molly mixed
with bran muffin
And prune juice or something.
I hear it's supposed to be...
Totes Cray?
Exactly.
I thought that
you loved this stuff.
What gave you that impression?
I...
You Facebook stalked me.
What?
Lacy posted that
stupid shit on my wall,
Like, six hours ago,
About getting fucked up
on ethyl.
What is Facebook?
Is that a website?
In fact, this whole night
Has been a little too perfect,
hasn't it?
The restaurant, the dress,
Our... Our nonstop conversation.
The conversation was all me.
Really?
Because it's kind of weird
That all of your favorite things
are the same as mine.
Do you even like
what's eating Gilbert grape?
That was true.
That fat mom being lit on fire
at the end?
Fucking beautiful!
Killed me.
Okay, fine.
Fine, all right, so what?
What's the big deal?
I wanted to give you
a special time.
Is that a crime?
Am I in trouble?
Are you gonna yell at me?
I mean, I got one chance
to take you on a date,
And I just wanted to make sure...
I said no.
I think it's really sweet
you tried to impress me.
You do?
Yeah.
I mean, nobody cares
About what I think
or what I like.
But I don't get it.
If you're not
into this ethyl stuff,
Then why did you "like"
Lacy's post?
I don't like
half the stuff I "like."
It's just easier
to go along with everybody.
Thank you for dinner.
It was really retarded,
In a good way.
Well, I've got one more stop.
And I promise this
is gonna be something
You'll actually "like."
Oh!
I got three words:
Di-a-rrhea.
Am I right?
Slam dunk!
Whew.
All right, we're almost there.
Almost there, down the steps
to your deep, dark basement
Where you'll chop my body up
into a million pieces,
Reveal that you're
a serial killer,
And wear my skin until you die?
No, but I will do that
on our second date.
Oh, great.
This is a little bit
more awesome.
Oh.
Seriously?
Yeah, cool, right?
Oh, my god, how did you
even get in here?
I have connections.
Security guard was in my
community photography class.
Huh.
I've never actually
even been here.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I used to come here,
like, every Sunday.
Really, you?
'Cause I never pegged you
For the prototypical
football fan.
- Really?
- Yeah.
No, I love the football.
Oh, you love the football?
- Yeah.
- Mm-Hmm, yes.
Well, Mr. Football man,
How many points does one get
for a touchdown?
Hmm, here, wait,
let me think.
Oh, nice, good.
Yeah, awesome.
Oh, wait, almost got it.
That's the one
I was looking for.
Perfect form.
Well done.
All right, I don't know
anything about football.
But what I do know
Is they got some
bomb-Ass hotdogs here.
And the bathrooms are
way cleaner than you'd expect.
- Oh, classy.
- Yeah.
Classy stadium.
Yeah, we used to
come here every weekend.
My mom was a big fan,
So this was usually
the family outing.
I've never heard you talk
about your mom before.
It was cancer, right?
No, actually,
she was a Sagittarius.
What's your mom?
Yeah, she passed away
a few years ago.
Can we actually skip
this whole
"How did it feel
when she died?" Thing?
I have done that with
so many guidance counselors.
I am good.
Yeah, no, I mean,
I was already getting bored,
So I'm really glad
that we're moving on.
Thank you so much.
Awesome.
So, um...
what would you prefer
to talk about?
Actually,
you know the other night
When you said
it was "just sex"?
Mm-Hmm.
Was that, like "just sex"
one time,
Or could we just have "just sex"
Just again?
From the dead mom to sex.
That is a very impressively
smooth segue there, Romeo.
Mm, I'd say it's a touchdown.
Yeah, awesome.
It's not real without the dance.
Okay, there it is.
There you go, yeah, nice.
No, seriously, though,
You didn't answer the question.
Ah!
Ugh!
Oh, shit!
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
No, I thought it was gonna be,
like, romantic.
Oh, my god, are you okay?
It's okay, it's okay.
You okay?
I think I taste blood.
Oh, shit.
Oh, I think I taste blood.
All right, we're here.
So you brought me
to a place
I've been to
a billion times before?
Hit it.
Whatever it takes
You know I can
make it through
Degrassi?
That was my favorite show
growing up.
I know.
You performed the theme song
at the middle school talent show
Three years in a row.
My favorite episode
is when jimmy gets shot.
No, where Emma gets gonorrhea
in her throat.
No!
When spinner
gets ballsack cancer.
Oh, my god, so sad.
I almost cried.
Jesus, that show
is, like, really fucked up.
I know.
It goes there.
All right, and we're
gonna slow it down
With the after-The-Credits
version.
Ah, we have to dance.
I don't know how to dance.
Yes, you do know how to dance.
Come on.
Put your hands here.
Okay.
And then I put my hands
up here.
And now we just sway.
Sway.
Sway, sway.
Okay.
Move your hips.
But I don't want
to step on your feet.
You're not gonna step
on my feet.
Chillax.
But it could happen.
That's good, Joel-Ski.
You're lying.
I know you're lying.
I'm not lying.
Oh, my god.
This is just like the episode
where Clare left Eli
Because she found out
he was bipolar.
What's wrong?
Nothing.
You nervous?
No.
I mean, we've kind of
already done this before.
Yeah, it's just this time
I'm not covered in puke.
You're beautiful,
you know that?
You always were.
Shit.
Oh, my god.
Shit, is it 6:00 already?
I promised I would help set up
For my sister's
engagement party.
- Mm.
- Mm-Hmm.
Hey, does this shirt say, like,
"I don't want to be here,
and I don't give a fuck"?
Yeah.
Awesome, perfect.
You can come if you want to.
Really?
All right,
I love engagement parties.
All right, let's not make me
regret fucking you.
Hey, I was thinking about it.
Me and you should go
on a road trip.
What, like, over Christmas?
No, like, this week.
I have classes on Monday.
Well, then you can
just skip them.
I can't,
and I don't want to.
Come on, we can go somewhere
awesome, you know, like...
Kentucky.
You know, you're allowed
to have sex with your dog there.
That sounds fantastic,
But didn't you just tell me
That you were, like,
flunking out of school?
I don't really want
to go back anyways.
What are you talking about?
I just want to stay here,
you know?
Why am I gonna go back?
I mean, we've got all this
random shit in your trunk
That we can play with.
We could have sex
in parking lots every night.
Okay, yeah,
I really can't tell
If you're being serious
or not right now.
Dead.
No.
Come on, you already forget
about the fuck it list?
Let go a little.
Wow, you completely
misinterpreted
The entire purpose
of that exercise.
All I'm saying is that I want
to hang out with you more.
So why is that so bad?
You were supposed to take
lessons from the list
And apply them to
your new life in New York.
You're supposed
to kick ass in school
And meet new people
And have all
these great experiences.
You're not supposed to retreat
Back to whatever
is easy for you.
Come on.
You weren't that easy.
Really, dude?
Come on, I was kidding.
No, it's...
You know what, it's fine.
It's fine.
Can we not end on a fight?
We're not having a fight.
Just, like, chill out.
I just have to get back,
So just tell me
how to get to your house.
Why?
I thought we were going
to your house for the party.
I... Yeah, I got to check
and make sure that's cool.
You can just take route 28.
Okay.
Well,
that's the last one, boss.
That's it, huh?
Well, I suppose we should go
Before crackheads
and hookers move in.
Too late.
Hey, you made it.
So...
how was your night?
Did you kiss any dudes
And then run away crying
and leaving them stranded
With a shitty two-Person band
To talk about that one time
they almost got signed?
Joel, I like you.
Could have fooled me.
As a friend.
Oh, perfect.
I'm sorry I don't
like you more than that.
I wish I did.
Unfortunately for me,
I'm attracted to muscular,
More conventionally
attractive men.
That's not nice.
Why are you saying...
Is this supposed to be
making me feel better?
I almost slept with you
last night.
Again, not making me
feel better.
Joel, I wanted you
to be my friend.
I'm not like you.
I don't have anyone
to talk to.
What?
What are you talking about?
You're, like, you.
You're super popular.
Yeah, with people
I'm never going to talk to
Once I graduate.
Mandy, Stacy, and lacy
are totes retar.
My brother's
a self-Absorbed asshole.
Even my dad prefers
talking to you over me.
I feel comfortable
around you, Joel.
You listen to me,
and for some reason,
You like me for who I am.
I didn't want
to throw that all away
By having meaningless sex.
Am I making sense?
Thank you.
I felt so bad.
I'm sorry I abandoned you.
It's okay.
To be fair,
you warned me ahead of time
That you weren't interested.
Well, you were pretty hard
to discourage.
I know.
I guess I just wanted
my first time
To be with someone special.
First time?
No.
I mean my 17th time.
I wanted my 17th time
to be with someone special,
Because that's...
That's my lucky number.
That, and 69,
Because of... oral sex.
That's not how you do it.
Please don't tell anyone.
What about your tumblr?
I made that up.
Only boobs I've ever seen
are my mom's.
Joel!
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry; That's not funny.
No, it is.
My mom's titties are hilarious.
Well, lucky for you,
we're friends now.
Whew, should we get bracelets?
I was thinking
I'd get you laid.
Friends don't let friends
stay virgins,
And I happen to know a trio
Of overly promiscuous,
easily impressionable ladies.
So you're just going
to pimp them out?
Really?
Yes.
Okay, I can live with that.
Oh, Joel-Ski.
Oh, Janie.
Ah!
Sorry.
I didn't... Okay.
Ugh, at least turn off
your send receipt feature.
I mean, come on!
Hey, aren't you supposed
To be at shareef's
crazy rager tonight?
Yeah, I know shit.
Nah, I'm not in the mood.
Ah, come on.
Go on out and have some fun.
Just don't do Maria.
Who?
Maria.
It's molly.
Little bit of chili,
Little bit of cayenne pepper.
Muy Caliente.
I told you I know shit.
Chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!
Tori the whorie?
Don't call her that.
I cannot believe
you had sex with her.
What the fuck!
Ooh.
Her?
You're telling me
that you had sex
With that butter-Everything?
Did somebody say, "butter"?
What, are you crazy?
Hey!
Mental illness
is nothing to laugh at.
It's personal!
That was fucking awesome!
Heather, stop.
Yeah, you better run, bitch!
I didn't have sex with her.
You didn't?
Oh, Scotty,
I missed you so much.
For reals, boo.
Let's go back
to the way things were.
I'm not afraid to beat
the shit out of you, either,
Megatron.
Oh, Stan,
thank you for coming.
Stan the man.
Zack, how nice of you
to join us.
Zack attack.
Jennifer,
did you lose weight?
No, no, she didn't.
Whoo.
So you really think
Janie's gonna hook it up?
Hell yeah.
She gave me her word.
Finally gonna get to...
see some areolas
Ugh.
What, is it Scott again?
Yeah, he's at shareef's.
He just wanted to let me know.
So, what, you're just
gonna ignore him?
After I go back
to school tomorrow,
It's gonna be like this weekend
never even happened.
You are a fucking idiot.
You actually like him.
And I don't know
if you know this,
But you hate everyone,
Like, everyone.
You hate my grandma,
And she baked you
a birthday cake,
And she has alzheimer's.
Ow!
Who's that?
Joel, I got to go.
All right, bye, bitch.
Dad turned my room
into a gym.
Oh, I thought you were
setting up a trap to kill me.
Wow, I actually never
thought about doing that.
Weird.
So, why did you leave
your engagement party?
Did everyone get
explosive diarrhea
And have to go home?
No, why would that happen?
Uh, I don't know.
I mean, big punchbowl,
no one guarding it.
Things happen.
No, I just needed a break.
I mean, I love the family,
But sometimes
they drive me crazy.
You know what I mean?
Yes.
Oh, my god, I related to
a solid half of that statement.
So why aren't you
at shareef's party?
Wait, how do you even
know about that?
Sixth sense.
Don't you mean, like,
a fifth...
You know, never mind.
Too easy.
I mean, you know
that Scott likes you.
Well, you know,
that's too bad,
Because I don't like him.
Yes, you are full of shit.
Okay, fine, I like him.
But you know what?
It's complicated.
He's complicated.
Actually, you know what,
he's simple.
He's far too simple,
And so scared of everything.
I mean, I was so close
to fixing him.
He was so fucking close
to being...
Just like you.
With a penis!
He's not your project, Tori.
You can't force him
to be something he isn't.
You just have to accept him
for who he is.
Oh, my god,
how do you accept Gil?
I drink a lot.
I'm actually not even blind.
I'm just in a constant state
of blackout drunkness.
God, we have far more in common
that I thought.
I always knew you were gonna
grow up to be beautiful, Tori,
And that you were gonna have to
beat the boys away with a stick.
Just don't beat them all away.
I don't want to talk to you,
So leave a message,
mother-.
Fuck.
I won't take no
for an answer, Scott.
Heather?
What are you doing?
I found this
in shareef's mom's closet.
Isn't it fucking hot?
It'll jingle
while you fuck me.
Whoo!
I know you want
to do me, Scott.
I really don't,
and you're really racist.
Oh, my god.
Oh, your penis
no not think so.
Thank you.
Come again, please.
Get it?
It's, like, come?
Yeah, no, I got it.
Oops, look what I found
in your car.
It's almost big enough
for both of us.
Boop.
God, I missed you
so fucking much.
Ugh!
What's with all the violence?
Sorry, I'm on Rihanna.
It's molly mixed with steroids
and adrenaline.
Scott?
Has anyone seen Scott?
He's getting fingered
in the garage.
I'm sorry,
Scott is getting fingered?
No, but you are.
Okay.
Has anyone seen Scott?
Scott is here?
I love that guy!
Everybody, Scott's here!
You fucking miss me?
Please, no,
I do not want this.
Shh.
I love you so much.
Please, no, I hate you.
I fucking love you so much!
I fucking hate you!
I fucking hate you too!
Oh, my god.
This is too good.
Tori, wait.
Yeah, that one's
definitely the ugliest.
Tori, wait.
Come on.
Let go of me.
It wasn't what
it looked like, okay?
No, I came here
to apologize.
I came here to tell you
that I like you for who you are,
Only to find out
that you are a fucking asshole!
It's not what it looked like.
Heather basically raped me.
Oh, my god,
she weighs 90 pounds.
Just stay the fuck
away from me.
Tori, whorie.
Tori, whorie!
Whorie, whorie, whorie,
whorie, whorie, whorie,
Whorie, whorie, whorie!
She raped me!
All right,
my little sweethearts,
Name of the game
is strip cup.
Now, for every miss,
you have to...
take off an article of clothing.
And for every make,
We have to take off
an article of clothing too.
Yay.
Is she...
retarded?
Yes.
Sometimes I drink bleach.
Huh.
Hey, I got to talk to you.
Uh, I'm busy here.
What, with strip cup?
Come on, it's important.
Come on.
Okay, Tori's really pissed
at me, and I need your help.
Go fuck yourself.
Uh, excuse me?
Uh, shall I repeat myself?
I thought I was clear
the first time.
Okay, why are you being
such a bitch?
I just need your help.
If I had to guess,
I'd probably say
Tori's not talking to you
Because you're only ever
thinking about yourself.
That's not it.
Will you shut the fuck up?
The depth of your selfishness
is astonishing.
How dare you come to me
for advice?
You know how many times
I've tried talking to you
But you were too busy for me?
Too busy with your hair,
your photography, or heather,
Whatever bullshit
was consuming you at the time.
Look, I didn't know, okay?
You always seem so happy.
Well, that's kind of
the point.
You're only worrying
about yourself.
You're not aware
of your surroundings,
Let alone your only sister.
I'll see you at home, Scott.
- Wait.
- What are you doing?
I'm hugging you.
Why?
I don't know,
but I think we should.
Scott, enough.
This is way too Disney channel.
Yeah, I don't care.
Come on.
Let's hug it out.
I'm sorry.
I love you.
I love you too.
I knew you did.
So, I'm a self-Absorbed asshole,
right?
Pretty much.
I always wanted to do that.
Yeah, feel good?
Yeah, it feels great.
Okay, good; Good for you.
Oh, my god.
I know what I got to do
to get her back.
Unless you need me
to stay here and talk about...
Go.
Do you want another hug?
We can hug again.
Go, go.
Stacy got tired of waiting.
Excuse me.
Mata!
Pita?
Run!
No!
Sorry, man.
Take me as a hostage.
Scott, what the fuck
are you doing?
This.
I'm a complete asshole.
I'm selfish,
I'm self-Absorbed,
And I suck
pretty much all of the time.
Yeah, well, you're just
stating the obvious.
But I want to change.
I'm sorry about
the prom picture.
And I'm sorry about heather.
And I'm sorry if I ever
made you feel like...
I was better than you
Or that you didn't matter,
Because you do, so much.
What happened with heather
didn't mean anything to me.
Yesterday was the best day
of my life.
And I really wish it wouldn't
have taken me so long
To start my fuck it list.
Language.
You shut the fuck up.
I know that hating everything
and everyone
Is kind of your thing, but...
god, I don't hate you.
Damn it.
I don't hate you either.
Oh, my god.
Your hair looks like shit.
I don't care.
I do.
It was rape, all right?
I swear to god.
She tricked my penis
into a boner.
Shut up.
All right.
All done.
How does it look?
Mm...
mm-Hmm, mm-Hmm.
Awesome.
Yeah.
I want to go somewhere.
Looking like that?
Just kidding.
Not really.
Oh, my god!
What did you do?
Something pretty stupid,
But it was worth it.
Wow, what made you
do all this?
Well, if we didn't
throw a party,
How would Joel get laid?
Oh, yeah.
Where is that shit-Face?
He's in the back room
getting a lot of SDTs.
I'm sorry, what?
Oh, baby, you're
so fucking hot.
Well, not really,
But I have a lot of issues.
Ah!
Asshole, here I come.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Okay, quick question,
And let me know if this is,
like, totally out of line,
But it's always
been a dream of mine.
Is there any way
I could come on your tits?
Duhzeez.
Oh, those are so much
better than my mom's.
That is honestly...
the nicest thing any guy
has ever said to me.
This is totes our Rachel Mcadams
Ryan gosling notebook moment.
God damn it, you're sexy.
I know.
Hey, we don't really got
another place to go
And I know you don't
want to sleep alone
So take me home tonight
So I hit her with a
Oh, I know we don't got
another place to be
Come on.
I don't dance.
Oh, only in your living room?
Okay, well,
that's very, very different.
Oh-Ho-Ho, come on.
It's perfect.
Okay, okay, fine, fine.
Now that I've got you
I won't let you go
No, no, no, no
Now that I've got you
I won't let you go
To keep the light on,
honey
Is the least
that I can do
If I keep running back
to you
Hi, sweetie.
Dad, I'm sorry.
It's okay, it's okay,
it's okay.
This is perfect.
And all my
childhood dreams
Never turns out the way
that they're supposed to be
I don't want to live
a day past 29
Sorry, but the world
does not need to know
How I feel every second
of every day.
Call me crazy, but I think
That as soon as we comment
on the present,
We kind of lose it forever.
And the present
is where things happen.
Sometimes it's difficult.
Sometimes it's glorious.
But it's always
the place to be,
Because life happens
in the present,
One second to the next.
And if you're living
with one foot in the past,
Well, you're missing
a fucking foot.
892 train to Chicago,
now boarding.
Don't spit, god.
Sometimes it needs
some lubrication.
No, it does not.
Natural lubrication
Is one of the best types
of lubrication,
Especially when you're
eating fucking pussy.
God!
All right, cut.
That's some good-Ass shit.
Oh, my god, yeah, thank you.
Your mama teach you
how to make these brownies?
No, I...
Oh, your daddy taught you
how to make them brownies?
Go make them brownies.
Get the pot, girl.
You want some?
- No, no.
- I think I'm high.
I don't think it happens
that quickly.
Oh.
Hey, Kathleen.
I'm gonna come
on those tits
Wamp-wamp-wamp, dubstep remix.
Ch-Ch-Ch come
B-Zzz, dup-dup-dup, sperm
And that's the last time
I'll ever have sex
with an amputee again.
That's the last time I'll ever
have sex with a veteran again.
And that is the last time
I'll ever have sex
with a special Ed teacher.
Cut.
Sometimes I masturbate
with a blender.
Raper uses the same password
for all his secure files.
It's "titty fuck" with
three exclamation points.
"Cunt bunny"
with a smiley face.
"Ariana Grande's
tight little ass 420."
"Teeny ass 99."
"Titty boner"
with a smiley face.
"Pussy popper 88."
"Dripping wet clit 99."
"Anus party 85."
"The clits go marching
one by one."
"Clit massacre 89."
Okay, wait.
Three more!
"Titty titty bungalow 420."
"Pussy wagon pussy wagon
make me a cake."
Try something with "asshole"!
Okay.
Your tits are so fucking nice.
Oh, my god, you're so sweet.
You want to suck my nipple?
Okay.
Cut.
It's done.
Hey, oh love,
when you fall asleep
There's a piece of you
in every song I sing
Where your childhood
runs wild and free
Without me
Held your love
in a silver spoon
Walked outside
just to kiss the moon
Looking back,
I wish I kissed you
Kissed you
To keep the light on,
honey
Is the least
that I can do
If I keep running
back to you
Your heart
is a slow train coming
I'm afraid to make my move
If I keep running
back to you
Hey, old lover,
it's a lonely day
There's a record on
And the song remains
If we dance real slow
Until the music fades
Will we do the same
Held your heart
till the bitter end
You held my hand
like I was your best friend
In another life
we will meet again
Again
To keep the light on,
honey
Is the least
that I can do
If I keep running
back to you
Your heart
is a slow train coming
I'm afraid to make my move
If I keep running
back to you
If I keep running
back to you
You
You
You
If I keep running
back to you
If I keep running
back to you