Nothing (2003) Movie Script

The following is a true story.
The people are actual people.
Their names
are their actual names.
Everything has been thoroughly
researched and verified.
Dave and Andrew
are best friends.
They'd been best
since they were 9 years old.
Andrew was an extremely
nervous young man.
He was afraid
of just about everything.
Dave was totally self-centred
and could never
get things to go his way.
Neither of them
were popular with other kids.
And it wasn't long
before they realized
that their best chance of survival
was sticking together.
Tragically, Andrew's
anxieties grew worse
after his parents died.
Soon he became afraid
to even leave his house.
Like everything else
he attempted,
Dave's dream
of becoming a rock star...
was met
with unequivocal rejection.
Completely broke
and with nowhere else to go,
Dave moved in with Andrew,
who was himself
in desperate need of help.
With Dave there to provide
the basic necessities for living,
and Andrew there to provide
the support of a good friend,
Dave braved the outside world
and found employment.
And Andrew was able to stay
in the safety of their home
by working
as an online travel agent.
After a life-long struggle
with society,
Dave and Andrew
had finally found happiness...
Sadly, nothing lasts forever.
- I'm moving out.
- What?
- I'm moving out, with Sarah.
- With Sarah?
- Yeah, with Sarah.
Didn't I tell you?
- No.
- I'm pretty sure that I did.
- No. You didn't.
- I think I did.
- I swear! You didn't!
- And I'm telling you I did.
- You didn't!
- I did.
- Didn't!
You really didn't!
- Ah, I could've sworn I did.
- But you've only known her
for 2 weeks!
- What can I tell you?
We're in love.
- You can't leave!
- You'll be fine.
- No!
No, I won't! I'll kill myself!
- You'll be fine.
- Why are you doing this?
- It doesn't matter.
- Yes! Yes, it does.
I just want to know
why you're abandoning me.
- I'm not abandoning you.
- Yes, you are!
- I'm moving on with my life.
- But it's garbage day!
- Then you take it out!
- I can't!
- You'll be fine!
[Traffic, sirens]
- Come on, girls.
Don't speak to the strange man.
- Oh!
- Loser!
- Aw...
- I can do this.
I can.
I can do this.
[Airplane overhead]
[Truck's horn]
[Door closes]
Oh God!
Oh God!
Oh God!
Oh God!
[Woman on P.A.]:
Wire is what we are.
Wire is what we do.
- 'Morning.
- John Morfit, line 2. Line 2.
- [Man on P.A.]: John Bigbutte,
please call reception.
[People snickering]
- Hey, how'd you guys do that?
That's, that's great!
I thought it funny when you
glued the chair to the floor,
but this - it's incredible!
Well done.
- That's just great.
[All laugh]
- Hey, mister, are you OK?
- Ah!
- Mister?
- I... I...
Iocked myself...
- Don't worry.
[Airplane overhead]
- Hello?
Hello? Little girl?
- It's OK, Mister.
You can come in now.
- Ah! Ah!
- Crawford wants to see you.
- What? Why?
Well, maybe it's
about the promotion?
I mean, I've really been busting
my ass around here lately, so...
- Uh...
- That's probably what it is.
You wanted to see me, sir?
- Dave!
Get your crafty ass in here!
You thirsty?
Want something to drink?
- No, I'm fine. Thanks.
- He's fine!
Heh-heh. I like that!
I like that!
So, uh...
You do know why
you're here, right?
- I think so.
- He thinks so!
That's great stuff!
Great stuff!
Who knew you had it in you?
- Well, l...
- Scrawny little ugly guy like you?
Little mousy guy,
hiding in the shadows,
eating cheese,
begging for crumbs?
Who knew?
But you're stupid,
aren't you, Dave?
- Huh?
- You're an idiot. A moron.
Jackass. Heh-heh!
End of the day,
you think it's morning.
- What?
- Did you think
we wouldn't find out?
- Find out about what?
About the promotion?
- Promotion?
For you?
- Well, I thought...
- You embezzle $27,369.27
from the company
and you want a promotion?
You're amazing!
- What?!
Hold on a second!
I didn't embezzle anything!
- Well, sure you did!
It's all right here.
- It's got to be a mistake!
- I don't think so.
I don't think
the authorities will either.
- Authorities?
- That's right, Dave.
- Is there anything else
I can get you?
- No!
No. Thank you. I'm fine.
- What about something to eat?
- No, really.
Everything's fine.
Maybe you should just leave.
- I don't know, Mister.
You were pretty shaken up.
Maybe I should stay and look
after you for a little while.
I am a Fireside Girl.
- No. I just don't like
going outside, that's all.
And I'm not very
good with people,
so I think it would be better
if you just left.
- I'm going to make you
something to eat.
- No!
Please, just leave.
- Asshole!
[Fire-truck siren]
- You lost your job?
- Baby, they got nothing on me!
I'm clean!
- I can't believe this is happening.
- Don't worry. I didn't do anything.
I've got much bigger news
to tell you!
- Oh yeah?
What's that?
- I'm moving in!
[Car alarm]
Look, I know the timing
of all of this is a little weird,
but I think it just depends
on how you look at it.
You were always complaining
about how we never had time
to see each other.
Well, now Andrew's
out of my life.
And as far as the job goes,
well, I can always
get another job.
Maybe I could work
at your place!
I could be a short-order cook!
And we could spend our days
and nights together. Huh?
you're not moving in with me!
I'm moving in with you!
- I embezzled the money
from your work.
- What?
- I used your password
to get into the accounting software
at your office.
And over the last two weeks
wired $27,369.27
to an account in Zurich.
Can you hand me that?
- You did?
- I made sure
all the evidence points to you.
You should probably
get a lawyer.
- This is some kind of joke, right?
Baby, you love me.
- You're a loser, Dave.
I never even liked you.
[Police radio]
- Oh!
Goddamn it!
Damn it!
Damn it!
Damn it! Damn it all to hell!
- "Tonga is the crown jewel
of the South Pacific,
"a paradise not only
perfect for romance...
[traffic overhead]
"But also to bring out
the adventure in all of us.
"In fact, I just got back
a couple of days ago myself."
- Are you still there?
- Yes!
- Is something wrong?
- No, no. Nothing.
Just the, um... sunburn
from the vacation.
Yeah, you've got to
put the lotion on,
even when it's cloudy.
Especially when it's cloudy!
Uh, well, I'll make
your reservations
and call you back
to confirm everything.
Thank you!
- May I speak with you
for a minute?
Is this the man?
You are so fucked!
I'll make sure you spend
the rest of your life in prison,
you sick son of a bitch!
- What?
What are you talking about?
- You kissed my little girl.
- No! No, I didn't!
I never touched her!
- Never touched her!
What's this?
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Come on, honey.
- Andrew!
[Door closes]
- Oh!
What are you doing here?
- I came to apologize, OK?
I'm an idiot.
You're not the reason
my life sucks. They are.
It's always been them.
Here's what I think we should do.
Here's what I think we should do!
We're gonna sell the house,
we're gonna take the money,
and we are gonna disappear!
- Where will we go?
- I don't know. Greece!
Sernftal-Bahn Glannerland!
Where ever you want!
As long as it's far enough
so no one can bother us.
- What about Sarah?
- She dumped me.
- Oh.
I'm sorry.
- Yeah. So what do you say?
- I can't!
You know I can't!
- Yes, you can. You have to!
Come on,
this place is killing us.
- I don't know.
It's not that bad.
Wha...? Is that a noose?
- Heh!
- What do you think, huh?
- Shouldn't we call
a real-estate agent or something?
- Screw that!
They just do what we did.
Put an ad in the paper
and a sign on the lawn.
This is much quicker and they don't
get a piece of our pie.
All we have to do now is sit back
and watch the place sell itself.
What's going on up here?
Come on!
- I don't know if I can do this.
- Sure you can.
Think about it.
Stretches of empty beaches
going on for miles and miles.
No phones, no cars, no freeways,
no people. No one at all.
Is this your suit?
Well, we'll get you a new one
when we get there, huh?
You're here about the house.
- As a matter of fact, I am.
- Newspaper ad, or the sign?
- The newspaper, actually.
This is for you.
- So you've already
written a number down
on a piece of paper?
Why don't you take a look at
the offer, see if it's acceptable.
- Oh my God!
- That good, huh?
Let me see.
What the hell is this?
- It's a notice of demolition.
You have to vacate these premises
or be forcibly removed.
- What? Why?
- We're tearing it down.
- The house?
- Who's "we"?
- The city, in accordance
with Section 37, Bylaw 3t 5,
which states that no area may be
zoned for residential purposes
within 100 yards of a freeway.
This house can't be here.
- But it is here.
- But not for long.
- This is my house!
You can't just take it away!
- Not without paying for it.
- We would pay for it...
- Right.
- But our records say
this address doesn't exist.
- Of course it exists!
- Not according
to our records, see?
- Well, if it doesn't exist,
how can you tear it down?
- Because it's in violation
of Section 37, Bylaw 315!
You have until 3:00!
- Today?
You can't do this!
- Sir, this house is a hazard
to vehicular traffic.
It has to go.
- Oh...
Maybe we should call a lawyer.
- Don't be stupid!
- Or...
I don't know. Uh...
[Phone rings]
- Don't answer it!
It's probably them!
- What are we gonna do?
- I don't know. I'm thinking!
It's not 3:00.
- It's not 3:00! It's not 3:00!
[Phone and doorbell]
- Stupid pencil-pushing bureaucrats!
Listen, pal!
- We're here
to tear down your house.
You ladies got any beer?
- No. And if I did,
I wouldn't give you any!
Can you believe that guy?
Don't answer it!
Listen, pal!
- Dave Johnson?
- Yes?
- You're under arrest.
For embezzlement.
- Oh. Hang on a sec,
let me just get my horse.
- Embezzlement?
- It's nothing.
- This is the police!
Come out of the house!
- Shit! Shit!
- What'll you do?
- I don't know! I'm thinking!
- We know you're in there, Andrew.
- What did you do?
- Nothing!
- This guy is going to rot
in fucking hell!
- I didn't kiss her!
I didn't kiss anybody!
- Fire!
[Phone ringing]
- Stan!
It's OK, Stan.
- Shit!
- Oh!
[Both]: It's not 3:00!
- This is
the Department of Housing.
This house is in violation of...
- Why are you doing this?!
Why won't you leave us alone?!
Leave us alone!
What the hell's going on?
- I don't know.
- What are you doing?
Dave, what are you doing?
What are you doing?!
- Shhh!
- What?
What is it?
- Oh my God!
- What's the matter?
- I think you'd better look at this.
- Oh my God!
What is it?
- I don't know.
- What is it?
- I don't know!
- What are you doing?
Dave, what the hell are you doing?
You don't know what's out there!
You don't know anything!
Answer me!
- Ugh!
- What the hell is it?
Yes! That's it! The news!
They'll tell us what's happening!
- What channel is CNN?
- Uh...
I don't know. I don't know!
Why aren't they interrupting this shit
to tell us what's going on?
- Maybe they're not
because they're all dead!
- Hey! Let's not jump to conclusions.
We don't know anything.
For all we know,
this could just be on our street.
- OK, fine! Then where's
everybody on our street?
Are they dead?
- I don't know!
I'm trying to find out!
- Oh my God! Maybe we're dead!
Yes! That's it! It's us!
It's you and me!
We're the ones who are dead!
- Andrew! We can't be dead!
We have cable!
- I knew it!
- Not us. It.
- How long do you think you'll be?
- I don't know. As long as it takes.
- An hour?
A day? A week?
- Andrew, I don't know.
All I know is I gotta go out there
and find someone or something,
'cause the food we've got
isn't gonna last.
And if we sit around doing
nothing, we're gonna die.
- Maybe it'll all just come back?
- That's not a chance
I'm willing to take.
These things,
supposed to work up to 2 miles.
I'm hoping with nothing
to obscure the signal,
we'll get a lot more.
You've got to monitor
my transmissions at all times.
If I get in trouble out there,
you're my lifeline
back here at home base.
- What kind of trouble?
What kind of trouble?!
What kind of trouble? Over.
- I don't know.
I have no idea what's out there
and I'm not taking any chances.
I've got be prepared for anything.
All right.
- Are you OK? Over!
- I'm OK. Over.
- Oh...
- Whoa.
Hold down the fort.
- Bye. Over.
- Bye. Over.
- Good luck! Over.
Be careful!
Ah! Ooh! Ah!
Dave? Over.
- Yeah? Over.
- Wait up.
- 7:00.
Been walking for 2 and a half hours.
Still no sign of anything.
No people or signs of people.
No animals or signs of animals.
No anything.
As far as the surface goes, it's...
It's kind of bouncy. It's like...
- Tofu.
- What?
- Tofu.
I've never actually had it,
but I think maybe this is what
it would feel like to walk on.
- You're right.
The nothingness looks,
feels and bounces like tofu.
Which, ironically,
tastes like nothing.
- I'm getting hungry.
- No food for another 2 hours!
We've been walking for 34 hours.
And yet, I'm still unable
to determine
where the light is coming from.
The sun, the moon,
from above, from beneath?
- Why don't you tell them
that we ran out of food?
- And yet the light
continues to illuminate
the vast expanse of emptiness
to the north.
- Tell them how we haven't
eaten anything for 12 hours!
- Hang on a second.
It also continues to illuminate
the vast expanse of emptiness,
the nothing, if you will,
to the south.
And also the nothingness
to the east
and west.
- Tell them how we have nothing
to mark a trail with.
- Andrew, please.
The air quality seems stable
and yet air pressure
seems non-existent.
It is neither hot nor cold.
- Tell them how if we keep going,
we're going lose the trail,
get lost, and die!
- Shut up!
We're able to walk without falling
through into more nothing.
But the surface itself
is also nothing.
- Yes! Nothing!
They get it! There's nothing!
There's nothing out here,
and there's nothing to say!
- Idiot!
That's our legacy!
[Recorder playing back]
- Whoa!
- Waaah!
- Wooo!
- Ahhh!
- Woo!
- Woo!
- Woo!
- Ahh!
- Ugh!
- Woo-hoo!
- Where's the trail?
- Huh?
- The trail!
Where's... where's the trail?!
We're dead. It's over.
- Shit! Shit! Shit!
I knew you'd be a liability.
I know, I know, you came up
with the whole trail-idea thing.
But now because of you,
we can't find it!
OK, it's gotta be
around here somewhere.
I'm gonna do a 360-degree search
using you as my point
of reference, OK?
So you can't move!
Think you can handle that?
Just don't move!
[Andrew mumbling]
Hey! Look what I found!
- Hey.
I just saw a candy bar.
- A what?
- Candy bar!
- We didn't bring any candy bars.
- There. Candy bar.
- I don't believe it!
That's no candy bar, buddy!
That's a dwelling of some sort!
You did it! You saved us!
[Both yelling]
- Candy bar!
Candy bar! Candy bar!
Candy bar! Candy bar!
Candy bar! Candy bar!
Candy bar! Candy bar!
Candy bar! Candy bar!
Candy bar! Candy bar!
Candy bar! Candy bar!
Candy bar! Candy bar!
Candy bar! Candy bar!
Candy bar! Candy bar!
You're right!
It is a dwelling of some sort!
- Maybe there's someone there.
- Maybe they know
what's going on.
- Maybe they have food!
- What if there is someone
there, and they do have food,
but they won't give us any?
- Why wouldn't they?
- Would you?
The world disappears,
you're the only ones left,
two complete strangers
wearing nothing but underwear
and a samurai sword
coming knocking on your door
looking for food
that you desperately need
to survive?
You'll just open the door
and let them in?
- Fuck that!
We got trouble.
- Think they can see us?
- Get down!
They could be friendly.
- Maybe.
- A relief in the knowledge
that someone else is alive.
They could be grateful.
We'll go up, knock on the door,
register the situation, check it out.
At the first sign of trouble,
first sign, no mercy.
You understand what I'm saying?
- Yeah.
- So say it.
- No mercy.
- You sound like a Frenchman!
Say it like you mean it!
- No mercy!
- Argh!
You ever killed a man?
- What?! No! Have you?
- Oh yeah.
- You have?
- In here, plenty of times.
I'm saying you got
to be mentally prepared,
because it might
get bloody in there.
- Bloody?
- Yeah, bloody.
Now say something funny.
- What?
- You say something funny,
I laugh, you laugh,
and we look like two guys out for
a stroll around the neighbourhood.
Not two guys ready to take
another human's life
without a moment's hesitation.
- That looks like our house.
- Ha! Ha! Ha!
Ho! Ho! Ho!
That's funny!
Oh yeah! Ha! Ha!
- No! It really does
look like our house!
- You're right.
- We've walked
in a complete circle!
- We're home?
[Both]: Home!
- Wait!
- What?
- What if someone's in there?
- Oh my God! You're right!
- We've been gone
for almost 2 days.
We left a note on the door
saying, "Make yourself at home."
What if someone came in
and did just that?
- Made themselves at home?
- Yes!
- They'd still be in there.
- Waiting for us!
- The bastards!
They know we're coming back,
but they don't know when.
We have the element of surprise.
- And they don't know that
we know that they're in there!
- I'm gonna go around.
Wait for my signal
and charge in from the back.
I'll come in the front.
They won't know what hit 'em!
- Great!
- Andrew!
Whatever you do,
don't fall asleep.
- Wait!
- What?
- What's the signal?
- Don't worry.
You'll know.
Go around the back!
- Arrgh!
- Easy, buddy. Easy.
It's all clear.
- Are you sure?
- Sure I'm sure.
- Oh, thank God.
What the...?
Oh God!
- Oh, Andrew!
- Ah!
- Andrew!
Go around the back!
- Arrgh!
- Easy, buddy. Easy.
It's all clear.
- Are you sure?
- Sure I'm sure.
- Like hell it is.
- Ugh!
- Kill me.
- Ahh!
- Arrgh!
- Arrgh!
- Who the fuck are you?
- Who the fuck are you?
- Name?
- Andrew!
What's my favourite colour?
- Blue!
- Colour blind! Don't have one!
Maybe we slipped
into another dimension?
- There has to be
something to eat!
- Like through a... portal.
Or something.
- There's nothing to eat!
- Space-time continuum.
- Where's the food?!
- A black hole! Or a red dwarf!
Time warp!
Maybe we fell
into some kind of time warp.
That's it! Yes! Maybe that's it!
We were abducted by aliens!
[Dave muttering]
And they've taken us
back to their planet
and put us in some kind of zoo.
With a sign that says,
"Don't feed the humans."
Which is crazy,
because we'll die,
and who's gonna want to go to
the zoo to see two dead humans?
Unless they're gonna eat us.
But why wouldn't they want
to fatten us up
before the slaughter?
Unless they are feeding us!
And we just don't know it!
Or they're not feeding us,
and they're just waiting
and watching to see how
we'll react to what they'll do!
[Dave muttering]
What are you doing?
- I'm making a trap!
- For what?!
- The food!
The food, you idiot! The food!
- Oh my God, we're gonna die.
- For once, I don't think
you're overreacting.
- For as long as I can remember
I've been afraid of going outside.
And now it's not there,
but I won't be around
to enjoy it not being there.
- No kidding.
It would be so amazing.
No traffic, no work.
- No telephone solicitors.
No taxes.
- No responsibilities.
- No people.
- No nothing.
- But cable.
- Yeah, cable.
And video games.
- Yeah.
Too bad we're gonna die.
[Clock ticking louder]
- It's back!
The disappearing thing's back!
Get down!
- What?
- The clock!
It disappeared! Get down!
- I did it.
- What?
- I made the clock disappear.
- You didn't.
The disappearing thing did.
- No. No, it was me. I did this.
It's my fault.
This whole thing is my fault!
- What are you talking about?
- I was sitting there,
listening to the clock counting down
the final minutes to our death.
I was thinking how much I hated it.
And then it disappeared.
And that's what happened
when the world disappeared.
I was thinking about how much
I hated it, and then it was gone.
Oh God.
It's my fault!
I don't know how, but I did this.
I did this.
Oh God, I'm so sorry!
Oh, I'm so sorry!
I'm so sorry!
- Whoa! Whoa!
Just hold on, Mr. Big Shot.
You're not the only one
who was thinking
how much he hated the world
just before it disappeared.
- You were thinking
the same thing?
- Exactly the same thing.
- Were you thinking about
the clock that way too?
- Well, no. But so what?
I can make something disappear
if I want to.
- Do it!
- Fine, I will.
- You did it!
You made the bills disappear!
- I know what you're saying.
The clock was a bigger object,
but the bills were the only thing
I really hated...
- No! No! It's great!
It's both of us.
You and me. We did this!
We made the world disappear.
- You're right.
We are gods!
- Too bad we're still gonna die.
- Screw that!
We're gods!
We can do whatever we want!
We can make thing disappear,
I'm sure we can bring things back.
- Like food?
- Yeah, why not?
- Yeah!
- Yeah, OK!
One, two, three.
- Arrrgh!
Maybe it's in the kitchen.
- It would've been so perfect.
- I'm not hungry anymore.
- Oh my God... neither am I.
- You think maybe we...
- Hated away our hunger?
- We did.
We did.
We hated away the hunger.
- Maybe we are gods.
- Yeah!
[In Japanese]
[Both]: Ah!
- Why us?
Why did this happen to us?
[Organ note]
I'm sure there are a lot of other people
that hated the world too.
[Video-game noise]
Why did we get this...
- Power?
- Yeah.
- I don't know.
I don't know
how a light bulb works.
- And where did it all go?
- Away.
- But away to where?
- I don't know.
Where the socks go?
- Or maybe we're on pause.
- What?
- Like a video game.
You hit the pause button,
and everything
just stays in that one place
and to the characters
that one moment
becomes their whole world,
because it's the only thing
that exists to them.
Do you think the characters
ever know they're on pause?
- They don't know anything.
They do
what they're programmed to do.
- Yeah, but if they were real,
you think they'd want
to be on pause like that forever?
- I'm trying to play a game here.
- Sorry.
- You know what your problem is?
Your problem
is you think too much.
It's always been that way.
Even when we were kids,
you were always thinking.
About what? We're kids!
All we had to do was worry
about having fun. Not you.
Like that class trip we took
to the Science Centre.
We looked at our skin through
those super-strong microscopes.
Saw all those tiny, freaky,
monster bugs crawling around.
And you start obsessing
that maybe we were tiny,
freaky monster bugs
crawling around
on someone else's skin.
And they were looking at us
through the microscope.
And the people watching us
were tiny, freaky monster bugs
to the people
who were watching them.
And the people watching them
were tiny, freaky monster bugs
crawling around
on someone else's skin
and they were watching them.
And the people watching them
were tiny, freaky monster bugs
crawling around
on someone else's skin
and they were watching them
through a microscope.
So while everyone else
was making their hair stand up
in the air and having fun
by touching the big silver ball,
you were totally freaking out.
Are you listening
to a word I'm saying?
Or are you too busy thinking?
- Ah!
- Andrew?
What's going on?
What the hell are you doing?
- I don't know.
I just don't know.
- Jesus Christ, buddy,
this is paradise!
- I know, I know.
And it's still not enough.
It should be, but it isn't.
- The last thing I need
is to be walking around
having a great time
and have to worry
about you killing yourself!
Or what if you start hating
things away? Things I like?
You'd ruin everything.
You'd undo everything that we...
- Undid?
- Yes, exactly!
- I'm sorry. I really am.
- We have to fix this.
You need professional help.
- This isn't working.
- And why do you think that is?
- I don't know.
Maybe because
you're not a psychiatrist?
- Hmm. And how does
that make you feel?
- It makes me feel like
I'm talking to someone
who's not a psychiatrist.
- Hmm. Why do you
think you feel that way?
- Because you're not a psychiatrist!
- I took psychology!
- One class
in community college!
- Wait.
Maybe I need to open up to you.
- What?
- Something's going on
in that brain of yours
and it's driving you crazy.
And we're never gonna
find out what it is
unless you start sharing.
So, maybe I need
to open up to you
for you to feel
more comfortable with me.
You know how I'm always telling you
about me and Katie McFarland
under the bleachers?
- Yeah.
- Well, it didn't happen
exactly like I've been saying.
I never told anybody this,
but what actually
happened that day
is the worst experience
of my life.
- I know.
- No, you don't know.
Even thinking about it now
is so horrible.
I just hate it.
- Dave, I know what happened.
- Huh?
- Everyone knew!
I never wanted to say anything
because I didn't want
to make it worse for you, but...
- What are you talking about?
- Come on!
A dog gave you a blow job.
Did you really think
you could keep that a secret?
- A dog gave me a blow job?
What are you talking about?
- You and Katie McFarland,
under the bleachers.
Katie passed you a note in class
to meet her under the bleachers.
She got you to...
close your eyes and...
drop your pants.
And you thought
she was giving you a blow job.
But then you heard laughing
and when you opened your eyes,
the entire football team
was watching.
And it wasn't Katie down there,
it was the school mascot,
- The Great Dane?
- Yeah.
- Was giving me a blow job?
- Yes!
- Have you lost your mind?
I think I'd remember
if Lancelot gave me a blow job!
- Oh my God!
You made it disappear!
- What?
- The memory of Lancelot
giving you a blow job!
- Read my lips!
No dog ever gave me a blow job!
- Yes! Lancelot did!
But you can't remember,
because you made it disappear!
- I did?
- Yeah!
You hated away a memory,
just like we hated away
everything else.
- Wow.
- Maybe that's what I need to do.
- What? What do you got?
- Uh...
- Come on.
- It's embarrassing.
- It can't be more embarrassing
than a dog giving me a blow job.
Can it?
- OK. Maybe you're right.
I guess there are a few things.
[Man]: Be a good boy
for your babysitter.
- Grrr...
- Dry your hair before you go
outside and play, dear.
[Cooking sound]
Good boy!
- That's it!
Very nice!
- You want to look nice
for your birthday party, don't you?
[Children laughing]
- What a lovely boy!
Aren't you clever?
Don't let the bedbugs bite!
- Jesus!
Christ, man, I had no idea!
- Yeah.
I guess I've just blocked
most of that stuff out.
- Well, it's time to get rid of it.
- Yes.
Yes, it is.
[Tape rewinding]
- How do you feel?
- Good.
- Yeah?
- I feel much better.
- Mm-hmm...
- Woo-hoo!
- I don't think
that's such a hot idea!
- Why not?
- Because you're jumping
really high!
You're gonna hurt yourself!
- I'll be fine!
- Hey!
How'd you do that?
- I don't know!
I'm not afraid anymore and
the music's just coming out of me!
- OK.
What do I have to do?
- I'm not really sure.
By getting rid
of all those memories,
I feel more confident, stronger,
not afraid of making mistakes.
You've got to find something
that's holding you back
on the drums.
- I got it. Ready?
[Tape rewinding]
- Are you hating away
a specific memory? Because...
- Wait.
This is it.
[Tape rewinding]
- It kind of sounds the same.
- Yeah, it sucks!
But now, I don't care.
I'm no good.
I'll never be any good.
I just hated away the fact
that I give a shit.
- Yes!
Yes, that's it!
Come on!
Come on!
Come on!
- Oh, sorry.
- You did that on purpose!
- What do you mean?
- I was about to beat you
for the first time,
and you shut off the game!
- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did!
- Well, it was an accident.
- I can't believe this!
I was going to win!
- Fine. You want to play again?
- Fine! Let's play again!
- Well, not if you're gonna be
like that!
What is it? What's going on?
- If Sarah hadn't dumped you,
you would've moved in
with her, right?
- What?
- If Sarah hadn't dumped you,
you would've
moved in with her.
- Yeah, I guess.
What time is it?
- Would you have ever come back?
- What?
- To visit. To hang out.
To see how I was doing.
Would you have come back?
- Yeah, of course.
- You sure?
- Of course I'm sure.
- Huh.
- Why are you asking
all these stupid questions?
- No reason. Just curious.
Thinking about things.
I'm going to go for a run.
- A run?
- Yeah.
- Like running around?
Like jogging?
- Yes.
- Now?
You've never jogged
a day in your life.
- I do now.
- You been getting rid
of more stuff?
You know, changing things,
deleting things,
editing things on the inside?
You have, haven't you?
- So?
- So, you should be careful.
It's making you weird.
- Whatever.
- Ah...
[Changing channels]
[TV]: I'd rather be dead
than be what you are!
- Andrew?
[TV]: We have a pact!
- Andrew?
Oh crap!
You did it, didn't you?
You made yourself disappear!
I told you not to mess with that stuff,
but you wouldn't listen!
You went too far!
Goddamn it!
See you later pal
Because you've gone away
You didn't listen to what I say
Gone away
Gone away
Maybe next time
You'll listen what I say
That's for you, buddy.
I wasn't actually sure what to do
since there was nothing
left of you to bury.
So I just put together
a few of your favourite things.
Your lucky game controller.
That's it, actually.
I couldn't think of anything else
you really liked,
so I just kind of stopped there.
You're a good friend.
A great friend.
I never told you that. I should've.
Meant to.
I did.
I think... maybe I could've
been a better friend to you.
And there were...
times where maybe I...
kind of took advantage
of your generosity.
And there were times...
where maybe I kind of took
advantage of your sickness.
Uh, handicap.
The truth is that when
I was moving out the other day,
I wasn't planning on coming back.
- I knew it!
- Andrew?
Is that you, buddy?
- You're damn right it is!
- Andrew?
You're alive!
What the hell is this?
What the hell's going on?
- I'll tell you what's going on!
I finally clued in
that you've been using me!
- What? I never used you!
- You just said so!
You said you took advantage
of my generosity!
You just said that!
- I said maybe I kind of took
advantage of your generosity.
That is totally different!
And I thought you were dead!
It doesn't count!
- I wasn't dead
when you were moving out
never planning on coming back!
- What? No!
You didn't let me finish!
What I was going to say
was not coming back
would've been the worst mistake
I could've made!
- Oh! Give me a break!
- That is what I was gonna say!
I swear to God!
Why am I explaining myself
to you?
You made me think you were dead!
What kind of move is that?
- To see how you felt
being abandoned!
- Abandoned? I was moving in
with my girlfriend!
How long was I supposed
to be your babysitter?
- I was letting you
live here rent-free!
- There's nothing free
about living with you, Casper!
- You didn't seem to mind
me selling the house
to pay for us
moving to Costa Rica!
- It was my idea!
- Yes!
Because you were using me!
- I was trying to stop you
from killing yourself!
- Bullshit!
You were trying
to save your own ass
because you're a weak,
selfish little man.
And you've been using me
for my house and my friendship,
but mostly to make yourself seem
just a little less pathetic!
- I'd rather that than be a freak
who's afraid of his own shadow!
- Well, that's all changed now!
- 'Cause now you're just a freak!
- What was that?
- Your computer falling,
because I hated away your desk.
- Oh, that's funny!
- Yeah, I thought so.
- Yeah. I'll be laughing about
that tonight when I go to sleep.
Hey, by the way, where are you
going to be sleeping tonight?
- In my... You didn't!
- As a matter of fact, I just did.
- Oh, that's funny.
Because so did I.
Just did.
- Well, if you don't have a bed,
I guess you won't need
a nightstand.
Ouch! Sounds like your lamp broke!
And that...
[tape rewinding]
That's the sound of it disappearing.
- I could be mistaken,
but I believe that...
That was the sound
of your bookcase disappearing.
And that? That's the sound
of your books going bye-bye.
Bye-bye, books.
- Bye-bye, Dave's desk!
- Bye-bye, Andrew's clothes!
- Bye-bye, Dave's
Daniella Pestova calendar!
- Bye-bye,
Andrew's thing on the floor
next to the thing
with the thing in it!
- And bye-bye, Dave's room!
- You didn't.
- Yes, I did.
- This is stupid.
- You started it.
- It doesn't matter who started it!
The point is,
making everything disappear
isn't gonna help anything!
We can't both stay here.
One of us has to go.
It's as simple as that.
Before there is no here, here.
- So leave! This is my house!
- And I can make it disappear
in the blink of an eye.
- What do you propose?
- We settle this like gentlemen.
- Video-game challenge?
- Video-game challenge.
Winner keeps the house,
loser takes what he can carry
and never comes back.
- And no more making
anything else disappear?
- Yes.
- It's your funeral.
- We'll see.
- Grrrr...
- Hyah!
- Arrgh!
- Yes! That's it! That's it!
- No!
- Ha ha!
- Argh!
- Oh ho!
Ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Come on! There you go!
Here we go.
Here we go.
- Argh!
- No!
- Yes!
- Oh! Come on!
- Yes!
- Come on!
- Yeah!
See you later pal
'Cause you lost the game
And you're going away
See you later
- Congratulations.
You're the first person to hear
the national anthem of Daveania.
That's right, buddy!
Dave doesn't need your house,
'cause he's got his own country!
A little place
I like to call Daveania.
Home of the right,
home of the just, home of the true.
Home of the Dave.
What do you think of that, huh?
Oh, what's the matter?
Too much for ya?
Wait 'til you get a load of this!
That's right, buddy.
Daveania's got it's own flag.
And you know,
you ain't nothin' without a flag!
Woo-hoo? Helloooo?
Hello, Mr. No Flag!
Ooh, don't you wish you had a flag?
Well, you don't!
'Cause I do! Woo-hoo!
Woo! Ha ha!
[Door opens]
Hey, buddy!
- Goddamn it!
Out! Get out!
Out! Get out!
- Wait. Just hang on a second.
You're only saying that
'cause you're mad at me.
- Yeah. You're damn right!
- I'm not mad at you.
Want to know why?
Because I hated it away.
Because this is stupid.
I mean, we've been friends
for 21 years.
I don't want to be mad at you.
I don't want you to be mad at me.
I want us to have fun,
to be happy.
And I think we can.
I mean, I'm out there
and I'm all pissed off at you.
And then I was like, well, fuck it!
We can do whatever
we want, right?
So I say fuck being mad
with each other.
So what do you say?
Why don't you take whatever it is
that's bothering you about me
and just hate it away?
- Because I don't want to.
- What do you mean? Why not?
- Because this is something
I want to remember.
- Why?
- Because...
you're the type of person
who abandons his best friend
and that's something
I don't want to forget.
- Fuck you!
Shit! Now I'm mad again!
[Tape rewinding]
Come on. Come on.
- I...
Get off of me!
- We're OK now!
Just do the same with me!
- No.
- What?
- No.
How many times
do I have to tell you?
What are you,
a fucking moron?
- Shit!
Now I'm mad at you again!
And this time
I am not letting it go either!
- Fine!
- Fine!
- Abandoner.
Dave, don't!
- Enjoy.
See you.
- You son of a bitch!
That was my house!
Don't you walk away from me!
- Try and stop me!
- How's that for stopping you?
- Not bad.
But I think
this might've been better.
- Ah!
Oh! Oh!
All right.
Try this on for size.
Bet you want
to kick my ass right now!
Ha ha! Ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
- Ooh, you look funny!
[Breathing heavily]
- Ooh!
- Oh!
Big mistake!
- You have no idea!
- What the fuck?
- Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!
- Ha!
- Argh!
[Both]: Oh!
- Argh!
[Dave laughing]
- Ah ah ah ah ah!
- Argh!
- Argh!
- Ow!
- I hate you!
[Both]: I hate you!
- I hate you!
- I hate you!
- Oh! Goddamn it!
- Ha! Obviously, you don't hate me.
- Look who's talking!
- Oh. Yeah.
I could've sworn I did.
- Yeah, me too.
- I guess this means
that deep down,
we don't really hate each other.
- I guess.
- I wish we'd thought of that before.
- Yeah.
You know what this is like?
- No.
- Remember that time
with the Hoban brothers?
- Oh man!
On the beach.
- They buried up to our necks!
[Both laugh]
- And nobody realized
we weren't on the bus
and we were stuck there all night.
[Both laugh]
I think I owe you an apology.
- No. You...
- Hear me out.
I think I made a mistake
by leaving you for Sarah.
- Well, it couldn't have been easy
living with me,
always having to take care of me,
always having to do stuff for me.
- No!
You never held me back.
I did it to myself.
You, you're the best thing
that ever happened to me.
- I feel the same way.
- Yeah, well...
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
So, what do you want to do?
- I don't know!
A couple of smart heads like us
out here in the middle of nothing,
I'm sure we'll think of something.
- Ooh, yeah!
- You wanna race?
- Sure!
- To where?
- Uh...
- There?
- No.
- There?
- Yeah.
- You're on!
[Both laugh]
- You know,
this really isn't so bad.
- I always felt
sort of let down by my body.
- Huh! Well, believe it or not,
so did I.
Fate shook me away
And when I opened my eyes
Everything had changed
Everything I'd known
Had all been erased
When you
You had survived
I just had to tell myself
I was happy you were alive
Even the worst in you
I couldn't despise
The universe is fine
without us
We're just fine without them
So let's slide
between our minds
Live in a place
where we're friends
We wouldn't mind
If nothing were to change
'Cause we both know
the two of us
Have everything to gain
Just time here
No complications
No face near
Our time to hesitate
So let's waste another day
The universe is fine
without us
We're just fine without them
So let's slide
between our minds
Live in a place
where we're friends
We wouldn't mind
If nothing were to change
'Cause we both know
the two of us
Have everything to gain
D VD subtitling: CNST, Montreal
- What the hell was that?
- I don't know.
[Elephants stampeding]
[Both scream]
[Elephants trumpeting]
[Horse neighing]