Nothing But Trouble (1991) Movie Script
%% OH, THE GOOD LIFE %%
%% FULL OF FUN %%
%% SEEMS TO BE THE IDEAL %%
%% YES, THE GOOD LIFE %%
%% LETS YOU HIDE
ALL THE SADNESS YOU FEEL %%
MM-HMM.
%% YOU WON'T REALLY
FALL IN LOVE %%
%% FOR YOU CAN' TAKE THE CHANCE %%
%% SO BE HONES WITH YOURSELF %%
%% DON'T TRY
TO FAKE ROMANCE %%
NO.
%% IT'S THE GOOD LIFE %%
%% TO BE FREE
AND EXPLORE THE UNKNOWN %%
%% YES,
AND THE HEARTACHES %%
%% WHEN YOU LEARN
YOU MUST FACE THEM ALONE %%
UH-HUH.
%% PLEASE REMEMBER
I STILL WANT YOU %%
%% AND IN CASE
YOU WONDER WHY %%
%% WELL, JUST WAKE UP,
BABY %%
%% AND KISS THE GOOD LIFE
GOOD-BYE %%
THAT'S ALL YOU GOT TO DO.
COME ALL THE WAY UP.
ALL THE WAY.
THANK YOU.
%% PLEASE REMEMBER %%
%% I STILL LOVE YOU %%
20 MINUTES.
HELLO, GOOD-BYE.
OK.
%% AND IN CASE
YOU WONDER WHY %%
%% WELL, WAKE UP, BABY %%
%% AND KISS THE GOOD LIFE
GOOD-BYE %%
EVENING, MR. THORNE.
EVENING, MIKE.
110 BLOCKS
IN UNDER 15 MINUTES.
NOT BAD FOR A ONE-EYED
RUSSIAN IMMIGRANT.
SOMEBODY THROWING A PARTY?
YOU ARE, SIR.
OH, YEAH?
AM I HAVING A GOOD TIME?
WELL, MANHATTAN FINE WINES
JUST DELIVERED 6 CASES
OF SALON LES MESNIL.
THAT'S PRETTY
PRICEY STUFF.
WHAT DID I PAY
FOR IT?
WHAT DO YOU CARE?
YOU GOT MORE MONEY THAN
YOU CAN EVEN LOOK AT.
OH, I'D LIKE
TO THANK YOU
FOR THAT LITTLE TIP ON
THE MARKET YOU GAVE ME.
THE WIFE SAYS THE STOCK'S
GONE UP 5 POINTS.
GOOD, MIKE.
WANT SOME MORE ADVICE?
SURE.
SELL IT.
HERE, READ MY NEWSLETTER.
HAVE FUN.
FUN IS ACTUALLY KNOWING
WHO HALF YOUR GUESTS ARE.
.
%% HEY, HEY %%
%% WOMAN, KISS THE GOOD LIFE
GOOD-BYE %%
GOOD EVENING.
CHRIS, LOOK! IT'S US!
GOOD EVENING, CHRIS.
HI, CHRIS.
I SAVE IT FOR YOU.
THAT'S WHAT SHE SAYS
TO ALL THE GUYS.
I'LL GET THE NEXT ONE.
GO AHEAD.
CIGAR.
CHRIS, WE'LL SEE YOU
IN THE APARTMENT.
[YIP YIP]
[YIP YIP YIP]
OOP!
OH, I'M SORRY, SIR.
HEY, LITTLE FELLA.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
GET DOWN!
COME ON, GIRLS.
GET OVER HERE.
I'M SORRY.
YOU OUGHTA GET CATS.
THEY'RE
A LOWER-MAINTENANCE PET.
AH, HERE WE GO.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
COME ON, GIRLS.
CHRIS!
CHRIS!
I HATE CROWDS.
YOU NEW
IN THE BUILDING?
YOU ALL RIGHT?
Y-YES.
TAKE THIS.
I-I'M SORRY.
IT'S OK.
I NEVER DO THIS.
LISTEN, SOME PEOPLE
ARE THROWING A PARTY
UP AT MY APARTMENT.
WHY DON'T YOU
COME UP FOR A DRINK?
IT WILL HELP YOU RELAX.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
OH...
THAT SON OF A BITCH!
I DON' BELIEVE THIS.
THAT BASTARD!
I CAN' BELIEVE THIS!
[YIP YIP YIP]
I'LL BE IN THE PENTHOUSE
IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND.
THANKS FOR
THE ESPRESSO MAKER...
AND THE BAG OF SHIT.
[RING]
[RING]
HOWARD SUNTZ'S
OFFICE.
MIRIAM, THIS IS DIANE.
LET ME TALK TO HOWARD.
I'M SORRY,
MS. LIGHTSON.
HE LEFT EXPLICI INSTRUCTIONS
NOT TO BE DISTURBED.
WHAT'S GOING ON WITH
THIS LANDFILL DEAL?
I'M ONLY
HIS GODDAMN LAWYER.
WHY DIDN'T I KNOW
ABOUT IT?
HE SAID
HE'S DOING THE DEAL.
YOUR SERVICES
WON'T BE NEEDED,
PROFESSIONALLY
OR PERSONALLY.
THIS IS NOT ABOUT OUR
PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP.
THIS IS BUSINESS.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
IT'S ABOUT MY
PROFESSIONAL CREDENTIALS,
MY--MY LAW FIRM'S TIME.
WHY AM I TALKING TO YOU?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU TELL HOWARD
I'M COMING DOWN THERE.
EXCUSE ME.
OH!
HI.
HI. GLAD YOU
COULD MAKE IT.
THANKS. DIANE LIGHTSON
I'M FROM THE FIRM
OF MASUR AND GLENNET.
CHRIS THORNE.
I'M SORRY ABOU THE COLD HANDS.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
THE LAW FIRM
MASUR, GLENNET,
WEESE, WEISS,
WORPLE, WHIP ME?
YEAH,
THAT'S THE ONE.
WHAT'S YOUR SPECIALTY?
INVESTMENT SYNDICATION
AND PUBLIC FLOTATION.
IT'S GOT TO BE PAINFUL.
WOULD YOU LIKE A DRINK?
I'D LOVE ONE.
SCOTCH?
GREAT.
ARE YOU OK?
YEAH, FINE.
ARE YOU GOING TO
THE SUNTZ THING?
ARE YOU KIDDING?
NOT UNLESS SOMEBODY
HOLDS A GUN TO MY HEAD.
HE'S A FRAUD.
HE'S A RIPOFF ARTIST.
IT'S ALL ABOUT BUYING LAKES
AND FILLING THEM WITH GARBAGE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT SE YOU OFF IN THE ELEVATOR,
BUT IF I WERE YOU, I'D STAY
AWAY FROM THIS SUNTZ GUY.
LET'S JUST SAY I HAVE
A PERSONAL INTERES IN THIS PARTICULAR DEAL,
SO IF YOU'RE NOT GOING,
CAN I BORROW YOUR CAR?
WHOA, WHOA.
I'M A GOOD DRIVER.
I DIDN'T SAY I'M NOT GOING.
I JUST SAID I'M NO PLANNING ON GOING.
I HAVE A LOW OPINION
OF THE GUY,
BUT IF IT'S
THAT IMPORTANT TO YOU,
MAYBE YOU KNOW
SOMETHING I DON'T.
MAYBE I SHOULD RECONSIDER.
I REALLY
LIKE TO DRIVE.
I'LL DRIVE.
I'M HAPPY TO DRIVE.
NO, NO. IT'S MY CAR.
I'LL DO THE DRIVING, OK?
OK, GREAT.
YOU DRIVE.
WHO'S GOING FOR A DRIVE?
ARE YOU, CHRIS?
NO, NOT TONIGHT.
WHEN? WHERE?
WE LOVE TO DRIVE.
ARE YOU GOING
TO YOUR HOUSE
IN THE HAMPTONS?
THAT'S FANTASTIC.
WHEN ARE WE LEAVING?
VERY, VERY EARLY,
MUCH TOO EARLY FOR YOU.
HOW ABOUT NOON
IN THE PARKING GARAGE?
NOON IS BETTER.
WE LOVE IT!
FANTASTIC!
GREAT.
I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.
THAT'S FAUSTO AND
RENALDA SQUIRINIZSU.
I GIVE THEM INVESTMEN COUNSELING SOMETIMES.
THEY'RE BRAZILLIONAIRES.
THEY HAVE BREAKFAST AROUND
2:00 IN THE AFTERNOON.
WE'LL NEVER
SEE THEM AGAIN.
GOOD.
SO I'LL SEE YOU
IN THE GARAGE
AT NOON.
DON'T BE LATE.
I WON'T BE LATE.
GOOD.
OHHH.
[BRAKES SCREECH]
UGH.
MORNING, MR. THORNE.
MORNING, MIKE.
FUN NIGHT, HUH?
OH, GOD,
I CAN'T DO THIS.
LISTEN, DO ME
A FAVOR, WILL YOU?
YOU KNOW
DIANE LIGHTSON?
SHE JUST MOVED IN.
YES, SIR. 23-B?
YEAH. SHE'LL BE DOWN
IN A COUPLE MINUTES.
TELL HER
I'M TOO TIRED,
I'M SICK,
I CAN'T DRIVE HER.
GIVE HER THE CAR
WITH MY COMPLIMENTS.
CERTAINLY.
I GO TO GET SOME SLEEP.
GIVE ME
THE KEYS, MIKE.
WOW!
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL
BEEMER.
GOOD MORNING.
THIS IS A VINTAGE
WHAT, 733i?
3.3 LITER?
THAT'S RIGHT.
HAD IT 2 YEARS,
NEVER BEEN OU OF MANHATTAN.
REALLY? WELL,
MAYBE I SHOULD DRIVE.
I'LL DRIVE.
LET ME GET THA FOR YOU.
THANK YOU.
WOW...
THIS IS REALLY CHERRY.
MM-HMM.
MAKE YOURSELF COMFY.
THANK YOU, MIKE.
HOPE YOU
FEEL BETTER, SIR.
I FEEL GREAT.
FEEL FINE.
WHAT THE FUCK...
I DON' BELIEVE THIS.
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN
A BRAZILLIONAIRE
NEVER FORGETS.
THEY'RE NOT COMING
WITH US, ARE THEY?
LOOK AT THEM.
I CAN'T SAY NO.
CHRIS!
CHRIS, DUDE!
YOU DID NOT THINK
WE'D BE UP SO EARLY.
HAD NO IDEA.
HI, CHRIS.
[KISS KISS
KISS KISS]
CHRIS,
WHERE ARE WE GOING?
WE'RE GOING
TO ATLANTIC CITY.
GET IN THE TRUNK.
GOOD. WE CAN SEE
THE TAJ MAHAL.
I LOVE IT.
THEY CALL IT THE NINTH
WONDER OF THE WORLD.
WE HAVE THE FIFTH IN
SOUTH AMERICA, IN RIO--
THE CHRIST OF CORCOVADO.
HI, I'M RENALDA.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
THIS IS MY BROTHER
FAUSTO.
ENCANTADO.
CHRIS,
PUT THIS TAPE ON.
LET'S CHANKA.
[LA CHANKA PLAYS]
Fausto:
THIS IS NICE.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
SO, HOW LONG HAVE YOU
BEEN DIVORCED?
4 YEARS.
YOU STILL LOVE HER?
NAH.
BEEN OVER IT FOR...
WEEKS.
CHRIS, THIS ROAD
IS SUCH A DULL PLACE.
WE HAVE A NICE LITTLE
SURPRISE PICNIC FOR YOU.
CLEAN FOOD.
LET'S TAKE THE CAR
INTO THE COUNTRYSIDE
FOR A WHILE.
COUNTRYSIDE?
THIS IS THE JERSEYVANIA
TRIANGLE.
WHOLE DAMN PLACE
IS A MESS OF
BURNT-OUT FACTORIES,
JUNKYARDS,
AND COAL FIELDS.
BELIEVE ME,
I KNOW.
MY GRANDFATHER WAS
IN COAL COMMODITIES.
SO LET'S GO
AND SEE THEM.
NO, I DON'T WAN TO GET LOST.
YOU WON'T GET LOST.
LOOK AT ALL THA FANCY EQUIPMENT YOU'VE GOT.
TAKE THAT NEXT ROAD.
LET'S SEE IF YOU
CAN USE ALL THAT SHIT.
I THINK WE SHOULD
JUST KEEP GOING.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL.
WE MADE A NICE LITTLE
SURPRISE PICNIC FOR YOU,
YOU INVITED US
ON A DRIVE,
AND YOU AREN'T DRIVING
US WHERE WE WANT.
DUDE, YOU COULD
BE A BETTER HOST.
OK, LISTEN.
HOW ABOUT THIS?
IF IT WON'T TAKE TOO LONG,
ROAD 329, PARALLEL TO THE PIKE.
IT CROSSES THE DELAWARE
AND THEN
IT CROSSES BACK HERE.
THERE SHOULD BE
BEAUTIFUL RIVER SCENERY,
AND IT WON'T TAKE US
TOO FAR OUT OF OUR WAY, OK?
IT'S YOUR DIME, LADY.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
OH, THIS
IS WONDERFUL.
Fausto: I HAVE 2 BIG MANGOES!
DO YOU LIKE MANGOES?
Renalda: OH, YES!
HE HAS MANGOES, CHEESE.
OH, THIS IS GOING
TO BE WONDERFUL!
FAUSTO, I DON' WANT TO STOP HERE.
KEEP GOING.
PULL OVER TO A VISTA.
Renalda:
OH, LOOK! A VILLAGE.
MORNING.
SELL PORK BELLIES,
BUY GOLD.
OH, JESUS!
OH, CHRIS, LOOK OUT!
WHAT IS THAT,
A VENT PIPE?
Fausto: WHAT DO YOU WAN TO DO, GET OUT AND KISS IT?
Renalda: IT SMELLS.
IT STINKS. GO, GO.
NICE TOWN, HUH?
Chris: EVEL KNIEVEL
AND MR. CLEAN.
Renalda:
OH, THIS IS BETTER.
PULL OVER.
I LIKE IT HERE.
I'M HUNGRY.
LET'S EAT RIGHT NOW.
LET'S OPEN THE WHOLE
THING UP NOW.
I DON'T SEE BUTTER.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I DIDN'T FORGE THE BUTTER.
ANTONIO THE BUTLER
FORGOT THE BUTTER,
NOT ME.
CHRIS, DO YOU
WANT A DRINK?
NO.
DIANA, SMILE!
THIS IS
A NICE ROAD.
OH, YEAH.
CHRIS, CHRIS, SMILE.
I GOT YOU IN THE MIRROR.
SMILE!
OH, NO. A COP.
WERE YOU SPEEDING?
65. THAT'S THE NATIONAL
SPEED LIMIT.
WELL, NOT EVERYWHERE.
IT SAID 50 BACK THERE.
50?
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?
YOU DON'T HAVE TO STOP.
WHAT? RIGHT.
LET'S
GET OUT THE GUNS
AND BLOW OU HIS FRONT TIRES.
ARE YOU CRAZY?
OF COURSE
I'M GOING TO STOP.
[SIREN]
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT, DUDE?
THIS IS
A PROVINCIAL COP, MAN.
WITH THIS CAR, YOU COULD
EASILY GET AWAY FROM HIM.
LET'S SEE
IF WE COULD DO 90.
ARE YOU KIDDING?
THIS BABY WILL DO 130.
SO LET'S DO IT!
GOOD. GO, CHRIS.
THORNE,
FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, GO.
GO, MAN.
YOU WIMP CHICKEN,
LET'S GO!
HIT IT! PUSH IT!
THIS IS A LITTLE
GODDAMN HAMLET.
CHRIS, GO!
HERE WE GO.
PUSH IT!
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS.
I DON'T KNOW.
GO, CHRIS.
COME ON, CHRIS, GO.
DON'T BE SCARED.
PUSH IT!
WE'RE WINNING!
YOU HAVE A BMW.
ACT LIKE IT.
FASTER!
NOW I THINK YOU MAY
BE BREAKING THE LAW.
FORGET THE LAW!
OH, BUT IT IS SMOOTH,
ISN'T IT?
JEEZ. HE'S GO A FAST CAR, TOO.
OH, SH...
CHRIS, CHRIS, MOVE IT.
FOR CHRIST'S SAKES,
MOVE IT, CHRIS.
UH, MAYBE WE BETTER STOP.
NO.
NO, I THINK
I CAN LOSE HIM.
Cop: PULL YOUR VEHICLE
OVER NOW, PLEASE.
PULL OVER NOW.
WHAT THE HELL
IS THAT?
DETOUR!
CHRIS, WATCH OUT!
HERE WE GO!
WHOA!
HE STILL WITH US?
UH-OH.
WHERE THE HELL
ARE WE?
GO TO THE LEFT!
[HONK HONK]
OH, SHIT!
BE CAREFUL
ON THIS SIDE!
I'LL DO THE DRIVING,
ALL RIGHT?
JUST GET OVER!
JUST GET TO THE RIGHT!
BLAH BLAH
GABBY GAB GAB.
WILL YOU BE QUIET,
FAUSTO?
JUST LET ME DRIVE.
[HONK]
SIR, THIS IS
A HEAVILY TRAVELED
INDUSTRIAL ARTERY.
THESE TRUCKS
OWN THIS ROAD.
OH, MAN. I JUST WAN TO GET TO ATLANTIC CITY.
SIR...
THESE SPEEDS ARE NO ADVISABLE THROUGH HERE.
TIENES DOLARES?
OH, NO!
EVERYBODY RELAX.
ALL THEY CAN DO IS CITE ME
AND HAND ME A BUNCH OF TICKETS.
I'LL PAY THEM, AND
WE'LL BE ON OUR WAY
BACK
TO THE TURNPIKE.
OH, I SEE.
IT'S ALL
MY FAULT NOW.
FOLKS,
MEET ANDY GRIFFITH.
GOOD AFTERNOON.
DRIVER, STEP OUTSIDE
THE CAR, PLEASE.
WAS I SPEEDING?
I'M SORRY.
I WASN'T SURE YOU
WERE A REAL COP,
AND PLEASE,
I MEAN THAT IN A
COMPLIMENTARY SENSE.
THAT'S OK.
THERE'S NO LAW
AGAINST HAVING
A SENSE OF HUMOR.
NOW TURN AROUND,
PUT YOUR HANDS ON THE ROOF
OF THE CAR, PLEASE, SIR.
THERE YOU GO, SIR.
SPREAD 'EM.
OH, COME ON, NOW.
"SPREAD 'EM"?
OW!
YEAH, THAT'S NICE.
THE LOWER BACK,
PLEASE.
CHECK THE PROSTATE.
THAT'S NICE.
OH! ALL RIGHT,
THANK YOU.
I GOT AN ITCH
RIGHT UP IN THERE.
THAT'S GOOD.
THANK YOU.
NOT TODAY, SIR.
TURN AROUND.
MAY I SEE YOUR LICENSE,
REGISTRATION,
AND INSURANCE, PLEASE?
WHAT'S THE CHARGE?
YOU WERE SPEEDING,
BUT THAT'S NOT WHY
I BEGAN TO FOLLOW YOU.
BACK THERE IN THE VILLAGE,
YOU FAILED TO MAKE A FULL STOP
AT THE INTERSECTION.
OH, REALLY?
OH, I DIDN' EVEN NOTICE.
WELL, THAT'S THE INITIAL
REASON WHY I FOLLOWED YOU
AND WHY YOU'RE
UNDER ARREST NOW.
THE SPEEDING
AND RECKLESS EVASION
WILL BE OVERLOOKED
IF YOU COOPERATE NOW
AND QUIETLY GET IN YOUR CAR
AND FOLLOW ME.
CLEAR?
SIR, WAIT A MINUTE.
THIS MAY BE...
VALKENVANIA,
BUT IT IS
STILL AMERICA,
AND WE HAVE
AN APPOINTMEN IN ATLANTIC CITY,
SO WE'D JUST LIKE
TO GET GOING.
WILL YOU JUS WRITE A TICKET HERE,
OR WE
COULD SETTLE I SOME OTHER WAY,
PERHAPS?
STEP BACK, PLEASE.
I UNDERSTAND, SIR,
BUT THAT'S NOT THE WAY
THINGS WORK AROUND HERE.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
FOLLOW ME A WAYS TO THE REEVE,
THEN IT'S UP TO HIM
HOW WE PROCEED.
REEVE?
THE LOCAL JUSTICE
OF THE PEACE.
NOW, I'M PLANNING NOT TO
MENTION THE SPEEDING TO HIM,
SO I SUGGEST YOU COME
QUIETLY AND IMMEDIATELY,
UNLESS YOU WAN MORE TROUBLE
THAN YOU'RE
ALREADY GARGLING.
WHAT'S THAT BEEPING?
IT MEANS WE'RE OFF THE MAP
ON THIS CARTRIDGE.
WHAT TIME DOES SUNTZ
START THE HYPE?
6:00. IT'S 3:30 NOW.
WE CAN STILL MAKE IT IF YOU
JUST LET ME DO THE TALKING.
LOOK AT THIS
METAL SCULPTURE.
THEY MUST BE
INTO FOLK ART.
FOLK 'EM.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
WHAT IS THAT, MUSIC?
THEY'RE
PIPING IN MUSIC.
"ENJOY YOUR STAY."
WHAT IS THIS PLACE?
MY GOD.
SO THAT'S WHERE
THEY BURIED FLIPPER.
Renalda and Fausto:
FLIPPER'S DEAD?
"VILLAGE J.P."
"SHIRE REEVE."
IT'S LIKE ROBIN HOOD--
"BE POLITE."
HMM.
OH...
AND NO CUSSING.
SHIT.
WOW.
LOOK AT ALL
THESE TOASTERS.
Fausto: THERE IS A NEGATIVITY
ABOUT THIS PLACE.
"VALKENHEISER SALVAGE.
TRESPASSERS
WILL BE SHOT."
OH, COME ON.
Fausto: THERE'S
A FUNKY KARMA HERE, MAN.
Diane: IS THIS A JOKE?
Renalda:
IY, IY, IY, I HOPE SO,
BECAUSE I DON'T THINK
I LIKE IT HERE AT ALL.
Chris: WHERE
THE HELL ARE WE?
LISTEN, DO WE HAVE
TO GET OUT HERE?
"VALKENVANIA COURTS
AND SCHOOLS, 1898."
Fausto: VALKENVANIA.
HI.
FILE IN.
REASSEMBLE.
LUCY, I'M HOME!
OH, YEAH.
IT'S OLD, IT'S OLD.
RIGHT THIS WAY,
FOLKS.
WAIT. I'M ENTITLED
TO ONE PHONE CALL.
SURELY. AND YOU'RE
MORE THAN WELCOME TO MAKE ONE
IF WE HAD A PHONE.
THERE'S ONE
IN MY CAR.
YOUR CAR'S
BEEN IMPOUNDED.
IMPOUNDED? ALREADY?
STEP UP
TO THE RAILING.
PLEASE.
MAY I HAVE YOUR IDs,
EVERYONE, PLEASE?
I ALREADY HAVE
YOURS, MR. THORNE.
THANK YOU,
THANK YOU.
THESE TRIALS
USUALLY LAS ONLY A COUPLE
OF MINUTES.
REVOLVING DISTRICT COUR FOR THE VILLAGE AND SHIRE
OF VALKENVANIA
IS NOW IN ORDER!
THE HONORABLE REEVE
ALVIN VALKENHEISER PRESIDES.
[MARCH PLAYS]
[GRUNTING]
OK, DENNIS, GIVE ME
THEIR LICENSES, ID,
TOLL TICKETS, REPORT CARDS,
NOTES FROM THE TEACHER.
HERE YOU GO, JUDGE.
TRAFFIC VIOLATION.
CONTRAVENTION
OF VILLAGE BYLAW 23--
FAILING IN THE EXECUTION
OF A FULL STOP
AT A PLACE SO MARKED.
I RECOMMEND FINE,
BOND, AND RELEASE.
WHAT ELSE YOU WANT TO DO
FOR 'EM, BAKE 'EM A PIE?
ALL RIGHT HERE...
WHO'S CHRISTOPHER
LAWRENCE THORNE?
THAT'S ME, YOUR HONOR.
THORNE
FINANCIAL PUBLISHING,
WATER STREET, NEW YORK.
OK.
BANKER?
NO, NO, NO.
BANKER, NO.
FINANCIAL PUBLISHING.
THORNE'S WEEKLY?
OK. BANKER.
OH, HERE.
WELL, LOOK AT THIS.
PASSPORTS.
I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW
THAT MY BROTHER FAUSTO
AND I
ENJOY DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
IN THIS COUNTRY.
OK, WELL, UH...
AND YOU ARE
THE FAUSTO AND RENALDA...
SQUI-RI-NI...
SQUIRINIZ...
SIZ--SIZ--SIZWI.
SIZWI?
FRIENDS OF THE BRIDE.
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
WE ALL WAN TO GET MARRIED.
NO, SIR. NO WEDDING.
MOVING VIOLATION--
FAILURE TO STOP.
LET'S JUST BE QUIE AND LET HIM DO
HIS LITTLE THING,
AND WE'LL BE
ON OUR WAY.
OH, I WILL LET YOU
BE ON YOUR WAY,
WHEN THE CAT'S EYES
WILL SPIN!
NOW, LISTEN!
OK.
WE'LL LISTEN.
HEY, HEY, HO, HO!
HA HA HA!
HULA, HULA, HULA,
THE BOOLA, BOOLA, BOOLA!
LOOK WHO'S GO THE FRONT SEATS
AT THE MEXICAN
HAT DANCE NOW.
JUST LIKE A BUNCH OF SPIDERS
IN A BIRTHDAY CAKE.
YOU MIGHT BE INTERESTED
TO KNOW
THAT YOU ARE NO UNDER THE JURISDICTION
OF JUST ANY OLD
FISHING LICENSE DISPENSER
AND STAMP-PAD JOCKEY!
WE'VE ALWAYS BEEN SE TO DEAL WITH THE OFFENDERS
ONCE AND FOR ALL
AT THEIR FIRST APPEARANCE,
QUICK AS SUMP GREASE
THROUGH A 10-YEAR-OLD GOOSE.
CONGRATULATIONS.
I'M GLAD TO KNOW
THINGS ARE RUNNING
SMOOTHLY FOR YOU.
PUT OUT THAT DOG ROCKET!
SIR, SORRY.
IN 1796, MY FOREFATHERS
ESTABLISHED THIS SEA AFTER THE TENETS
OF THE OLD SHIRE CHARTER.
SHIRE CHARTER?
EXCUSE ME, SIR,
THAT'S PRE-MAGNA CARTA.
I MEAN, SERFDOM
AND FIEFDOM STUFF.
VERY GOOD, YOUNG LADY.
YOU AND I OUGHT TO SPEND
A LITTLE MORE TIME TOGETHER.
WELL, I-I'D LIKE THAT.
WOULD YOU? WELL, THEN,
MORE ON HOW
THEY PACKED ME OFF
TO FARMERS'
MECHANICS' UNIVERSITY
IN GRACEFIELD, OHIO,
FOR MY ENGINEERING DEGREE...
AND HOW I FOUGHT THE GERMANS
IN WORLD WAR I LATER,
BUT FOR NOW--
LATER? WAIT! WHOA!
NO LATER.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT IS THIS SHIT?
SIR, NO CUSSING IN COURT!
WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR
THE STORY OF YOUR LIFE.
WE JUST WANT TO PAY
AND GET THE HELL OUT!
I'M SORRY, JUDGE.
WELL, LOOK AT HIM.
HE'S GOING ON AND ON!
THIS COURT HEREWITH
BINDS YOU OVER
FOR A FURTHER APPEARANCE
TO BE HELD AT 4:00
TOMORROW AFTERNOON.
WE SO DEEM FOR THE PUBLIC
AND COMMON GOOD
THAT YOU BE CONFINED
HEREIN, SO FOR NOW...
[ALL PROTESTING]
GOOD NIGHT, IRENE!
AAH!
AAH!
AY!
SHIT!
WHAT'S THE POIN IN THAT?
THEY'RE CLEAN.
NO DRUGS,
NO GUNS, NOTHING.
JUST ANOTHER BATCH
OF HOT-PISTOL,
LILY-WHITE
CITY CHICKENS
TO RUN THROUGH GRANDPA ALVIN'S
TRICK HOUSE.
WHEN I'M GONE,
YOU'LL BE REEVE.
YOU CAN RUN THINGS
ANY WAY YOU WANT.
TILL THEN,
JUST DO YOUR JOB.
SO HELP ME, I'LL CUT YOU
OUT OF THE WILL.
YOU WON'T GET SO MUCH
AS FLOSSIE THE NAG.
I ALWAYS DO MY JOB,
AND YOU KNOW IT.
AND I DON'T MIND
LETTING YOU KNOW
MY DUTIES END RIGH HERE AT THIS BENCH.
OH, FINE.
GO SUCK A BUG.
ARE YOU OK?
Renalda: WHAT ARE WE
GOING TO DO?
OH, FAUSTO.
WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!
HOW COULD YOU BE
SO INSENSITIVE?
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
YOU BETTER DO
SOMETHING ABOUT THIS.
YOU'RE PULLING
ON MY COAT. NOW, COOL IT!
I HAD US OUT OF HERE!
THEN YOU HAD TO GO
AND OPEN YOUR BIG MOUTH.
YOU HAD US OUT OF HERE?
WE WOULD'VE BEEN HERE
ANOTHER 2 HOURS
LISTENING TO THE HISTORY
OF THE VALKENBURGER FARM,
OR WHEREVER THE HELL WE ARE!
I KNEW I COULDN' DEPEND ON YOU.
LISTEN, I DON'T NEED THIS!
I WAS JUST TRYING TO DRIVE US
TO ATLANTIC CITY FOR YOU!
OH, IS THAT RIGHT?
YEAH!
YOU'RE NO LONGER
OUR FINANCIAL ADVISOR!
YOU'RE FIRED!
SHUT UP!
SHUT UP!
MIAMI, BABY,
HERE WE COME.
HERE, TAKE THIS.
HAVE THEY GOT A JACUZZI
IN THIS PLACE, HUH?
%% GET DOWN %%
%% TO THE PAVEMENT %%
%% GET DOWN %%
%% FUNKY AND MYSTERIOUS %%
%% SOME PEOPLE LIVE
IN LITTLE GROOVES %%
[SIREN]
WE GOT COMPANY.
WANT THIS?
NOT NOW.
OH, SHIT.
SHIT! PASS IT BACK.
GET RID OF THIS.
GIVE ME THAT.
HERE, TAKE THAT.
ARTY, DON'T GIVE
YOUR REAL LICENSE AGAIN.
DON'T WORRY.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
WHERE'S THE POT?
WOULD YOU SHUT UP?
PASS IT TO ME.
NO! IT'S UNDER
THE SEAT. SHUT UP.
[GIGGLING]
SHUT UP.
MY GOD.
GOOD EVENING.
DRIVER, STEP OU OF THE CAR, PLEASE.
GOOD EVENING, OFFICER.
[LAUGHING]
CHIEF.
DRIVER'S LICENSE,
REGISTRATION,
INSURANCE AND FITNESS
CERTIFICATE, PLEASE.
OK, ARTHUR...
HAVE YOU BEEN
DRINKING TONIGHT, SON?
I HAD A COUPLE.
SO WHAT? I'M FINE.
I'M AFRAID
YOU'LL HAVE TO BLOW.
BLOW YOU TO GE OUT OF A TICKET?
FORGET IT.
THAT'S NOT FUNNY.
I MEANT YOU'LL HAVE TO
USE A BREATHALYZER.
I'LL BLOW HIM.
MAYBE LATER...
NEXT CENTURY.
LET'S GO, SON.
OH, COME ON, OFFICER.
[BEEPING]
[BUZZ]
YOU BLEW DOUBLE DRUNK
WITHIN VILLAGE LIMITS.
YOU'RE GOING WITH ME.
SURE. WHATEVER
YOU SAY, OFFICER.
SAY GOOD NIGHT,
COPPER.
PLEASE, PLEASE, NO.
DON'T KILL ME.
CHIEFY, PAL,
I WAS ONLY KIDDING.
[MARCH PLAYS]
OK.
MY GOD!
WILL YOU LOOK
AT HIS FACE?
IS THAT NOSE
RUBBER?
HEY, I DON'T WANT YOU.
I WANT JUDGE WAPNER.
I HAVE TO PLEAD
THE FIFTH DIMENSION.
OK. OK.
WELL, LET'S SEE HERE.
WE GOT YOUR CRACK
AND ICE COCAINE HERE.
YOU GOT YOUR PILLS,
YOUR VIALS OF COKE,
SNORTERS, PIPES,
AND GRINDERS.
YOU GOT YOUR GUN HERE.
YOU GO YOUR SWITCHBLADE KNIVES.
SINCE YOU'RE ALL HAVING
A WHIRL OF A TIME
ON SOME SOME KIND
OF A HOPPED-UP DATE,
I BELIEVE WE CAN GET THIS
OVER RELATIVELY SIMPLY
AND HAVE YOU PEOPLE
ON YOUR WAY,
SO STEP FORWARD
TO THE BENCH, PLEASE.
HEY, SEE THAT?
THANKS FOR UNDERSTANDING,
JUDGE.
YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M SAYING?
YOU TAKE CARE OF THIS.
I'M GONNA GO OU FOR A SMOKE.
GO FOR A SMOKE?
DENNIS, THEY'VE
GOT GUNS, DRUGS.
ONE OF THEM
TRIED TO KILL YOU.
I'M STAYING TO WATCH.
I HEREBY FIND
ALL PARTIES CULPABLE
IN THESE MATTERS AS CHARGED,
AND SO CHOOSE TO INVEIGH
THE MAXIMUM LEVY
FOR THESE VIOLATIONS,
AND DO THEREFORE DEEM
THAT YOU BE CONVEYED
TO A WHOLLY AWFUL PLACE
OF EXECUTION
WHEREIN YOU SHALL
BE PUT TO DEATH.
OH!
OH!
AAH!
AAH!
[SQUEAKING]
QUE ES ESO?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
HEH HEH!
YEAH.
[WHRRR]
WHAT'S GOING
ON HERE, HUH?
I'LL GIVE YOU ALL YOUR COKE,
YOUR GRINDERS, YOUR SPOONS,
AND POT AND GUNS
AND KNIVES BACK TO YOU
WHEN YOU COME OU THE OTHER END.
%% GOIN' DOWN %%
%% BONESTRIPPER %%
%% YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO %%
%% YOU'RE IN A MESS,
YOU'RE GOIN' DOWN %%
%% BONESTRIPPER %%
HEE HEE HEH HA HO HO!
LOOK, I'M SURE THESE
ARE REASONABLE PEOPLE.
THEY'LL HAVE TO ENTERTAIN
SOME KIND OF AN OFFER.
[KEYS JANGLE]
THEY'RE COMING.
OK, FOLKS.
GIT UP HERE
FOR SUPPER.
SEE? THEY'RE
REASONABLE PEOPLE--
SUPPER.
SUPPER.
LITTLE WHITE WINE,
ARUGALA SALAD,
MAYBE SOME PASTA.
[BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYS]
[MATADOR MUSIC PLAYS]
WELCOME TO SUPPER.
HOW ABOUT A NICE
HAWAIIAN PUNCH?
THANK YOU, JUDGE.
YOU KNOW,
THERE'S NOTHING BETTER
AT THE END OF A LONG DAY
ON THE ROAD
THAN NICE WARM GLASS
OF HAWAIIAN PUNCH.
HERE'S TO GOOD FRIENDS.
DOES HE TREA ALL TRAFFIC VIOLATORS
THIS GRACIOUSLY?
ONLY THE ONES HE TAKES
SPECIAL INTEREST IN,
LIKE BANKERS.
ANTS ON A LOG, MA'AM?
UH...
MM-HMM.
YEAH, I'D...
LOVE ONE.
COUSIN?
OH, ANTS.
OH, YEAH, SURE.
[HEAVY FOOTSTEPS]
OH.
FOLKS.
I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE
MY GRANDDAUGHTER ELDONA,
SHE'S SINGLE
AND THE BEST CLASS "A"
MECHANIC IN 5 STATES.
SHE'S ADORABLE, JUDGE.
SHE'D MAKE
AN IDEAL WIFE, TOO.
GENUINE WAGE-EARNER,
STRUCK DUMB AT BIRTH
BY A THUNDERCLAP.
MY KIND OF WOMAN.
I THINK THE TWO OF YOU
WOULD MAKE A PERFECT COUPLE.
HMM.
YOU LOOK PRETTY
THIS EVENING, SISTER.
DOING SOMETHING DIFFEREN WITH YOUR HAIR?
[GIGGLES SHYLY]
ELDONA, WOULD YOU
PLEASE PREPARE THE MEAL?
THANK YOU, DEAR.
HMM.
WANT TO SEE
THE WINE LIST?
YOUNG MAN!
IT IS BASIC
HUMAN POLITENESS
TO SHARE YOUR CONVERSATION
WITH THE WHOLE TABLE.
SO WHAT'S ON YOUR BRAIN?
ALVIN,
I WAS JUST THINKING
YOU'VE GOT ENOUGH
VINTAGE STEEL
TO MAKE A FEW
THOUSAND TOYOTAS.
EVER THINK OF SELLING
THE WHOLE PLACE
TO THE JAPANESE?
THERE YOU GO!
DOES THE POPE WEAR A HAT?
WAS SERGEANT YORK'S MOTHER
AN ANGEL?
AND WILL A BANKER
GROPE FOR MONEY?
I'M NOT A BANKER. I'M
A FINANCIAL PUBLISHER.
ALL I KNOW IS IN '17
AFTER THEY SHIPPED ME
OFF TO FIGHT,
SOME NEW YORK FINANCIER
ROLLED IN HERE ONE DAY
AND HOGLOWDERED AND
TUBWANGLED MY GRANDFATHER
INTO MINING
THE WHOLE PLACE OU IN EXCHANGE FOR SHARES
IN SOMETHING CALLED
THE UNITED COKE COMPANY.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THOSE
STOCK CERTIFICATES
ARE WORTH TODAY?
JUST ABOUT THE FINES OUTHOUSE WALLPAPER
YOU'VE EVER SEEN!
WE WERE FORCED TO BECOME
WHAT YOU
DROVE THROUGH TODAY,
A BURNT-OUT COAL FIELD,
THE BIGGES ICEBOX GRAVEYARD
EAST OF THE OHIO
FOUNDRY BELT.
AND THAT'S WHY I NEVER
LET A BANKER GO.
SO YOUR GRANDPA
MADE A LOUSY DEAL.
IS THAT OUR PROBLEM?
JUDGE, THAT'S A VERY
TRAGIC, TRAGIC STORY.
I BELIEVE IT IS.
YOU SHOULD
DO A BOOK.
HOW DO YOU LIKE
YOUR DOG, FOLKS?
THEY'RE SERVING DOG?
OH, NO, NO.
HOT DOGS--
DUTCH COUNTRY HEREFORDS,
PRIZE-WINNERS.
HOT DOG.
STADIUM FRANKS,
LIKE THEY HAD
BEFORE THEY BROUGHT IN
NIGHT GAMES.
HMM?
OK. LET'S EAT.
[WOO WOO]
[WABASH CANNONBALL PLAYS]
%% FROM THE GREA ATLANTIC OCEAN %%
%% TO THE WHITE
PACIFIC SHORES %%
%% FROM THE BIG 'OL
TOY MOUNTAIN %%
%% TO THE COW TOWNS
ON THE SHORES-- %%
HERE'S HOW I LIKE 'EM,
AND I SUGGEST YOU HAVE 'EM
THE SAME WAY.
GO AHEAD, THERE, FOLKS.
FIX YOURSELF UP
A COUPLE OF DOGS.
%% LISTEN TO THE JINGLES %%
%% THE RUMBLES,
AND THE ROARS %%
%% AS YOU GLIDE ALONG
WITH THE OLD BANJO %%
%% HEAR THE MIGHTY RUSH
OF THE ENGINES %%
%% HEAR THE LONESOME
HOBO'S SONG %%
%% AS IT RAMBLES
ACROSS THE COUNTRY %%
%% ON THAT WABASH
CANNONBALL %%
%% GET ABOARD... %%
[MUSIC STOPS]
[EXPLOSION]
[CREAKING]
WHA...
WHAT WAS THAT?
JUST A MINE FIRE...
BURNIN' SINCE 1926.
NOTHING THAT WILL CAUSE US
TO INTERRUPT OUR MEAL.
HE HOPES.
COME ON NOW!
MIX UP THEM CONDIMENTS
THE WAY I DO!
%% LISTEN TO THE JINGLES %%
%% THE RUMBLES,
AND THE ROARS %%
%% AS YOU GLIDE ALONG
WITH THE OLD BANJO %%
%% HEAR THE MIGHTY RUSH
OF THE ENGINES-- %%
THAT'S ENOUGH.
I'M GOING TO FLIP OUT.
GET ME BEHIND ME, BABY.
YOU PEOPLE ARE
SICK, WICKED,
FUNKY, MISANTHROPIC,
CODEPENDENT ANIMALS!
I WON'T HAVE MY SISTER,
WHO WAS ONCE THE QUEEN
OF THE MARDI GRAS,
SITTING AT A TABLE
WITH A PICKLE-SHOOTING
TRAIN!
HE'S RIGHT.
WE GOT TO GO.
AY!
FINE.
COME ON, BABY.
PRISCILLA, PUT THAT UP.
USE THE DOGS.
RUN!
RUN!
[GRUNTS]
TAKE YOUR HAND
OFF HER!
OH!
THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.
ELDONA, IF YOU WOULD
PLEASE SHOW THEM
TO THEIR ROOM.
OW!
EASY.
WHERE DO YOU
WORK OUT?
UGH!
THOSE PEOPLE
HAVE NO DIGNITY!
FAUSTO,
YOU WERE A HERO!
OH, FAUSTO, AND THEY
HAD SUCH UGLY, UGLY FOOD!
OH, FAUSTO,
WHAT IS THAT SMELL?
IT SMELLS
LIKE SAO PAULO.
TOXICS!
TOXICS!
WE'VE GOT TO SWIM
THROUGH THAT.
OH, NO! FAUSTO, YOU'RE
NOT GOING TO MAKE ME
SWIM THROUGH TOXICS.
I CANNOT BELIEVE IT!
WE'VE GOT TO GE TO THE FREEWAY!
WE'VE GOT TO GE TO THE FREEWAY.
I DON'T DESERVE THIS.
CLOSE YOUR MOUTH.
OK.
OH, LET ME GO!
AAH!
AAH!
[GAGGING]
[GASPING]
FAUSTO!
COME ON.
COME ON.
[ALARM BLARING]
[WOOF]
[WOOF]
[WOOF]
YOU HAVEN'T GO THE CORRECT TIME, HAVE YOU?
MY WATCH IS SLOW.
OOH!
HMM!
LET ME SEE IF I CAN
GET A FIRE STARTED.
FAUSTO, WE DID IT.
WE DID IT!
WE DID IT, MAN!
WE DID IT!
CARLO ROSSI
TO THE BAHAMAS, MAN.
WE'RE GOING
TO THE BAHAMAS!
HAVING A NICE TIME.
iAY! LET'S FIND A ROAD.
WE HITCHHIKE TO A TRUCK.
OK, WE HITCHHIKE.
THAT IS COMPLETELY...
CONGRATULATIONS, FOLKS.
YOU MADE I ACROSS OUR GULLY.
YOU SHOULD
GET A PRIZE.
PLEASE, LET US GO.
LET OUR FRIENDS GO.
WE'RE RICH.
WE'LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING.
SOLVENT.
LIQUID.
RICH.
WHAT AM I GONNA
DO WITH MONEY?
ALL I DO IS WORK
FOR THE REEVE SINCE I WAS 8.
I GOT FREE
ROOM AND BOARD.
ONLY YOU HAVE
THE POWER TO HELP US.
[WHIMPERS]
DUDE, IT LOOKS
LIKE YOU NEED
A NICE COUPLE OF
WEEKS HOLIDAY,
YOU KNOW?
NICE.
TIME OFF
FROM YOUR JOB.
YOU PEELED
THE CORRECT BANANA THERE.
LEISURE TIME.
KICK BACK.
NICE.
FISH TACOS.
[WOOF WOOF]
QUICK, HIDE.
COME ON.
IT'S MY COUSIN,
THE ORIGINAL
ALL-PURPOSE DITCH-WITCH.
HIDE. GET DOWN.
ALL THIS IS
ABOUT SOME HUSTLER
WHO DUMPED ON YOU,
RIGHT?
ISN'T IT?
WELL, WHAT ABOUT SUNTZ?
REALLY.
WHAT WERE YOU PLANNING
ON DOING
WHEN YOU GOT DOWN
TO ATLANTIC CITY
AND CONFRONTED HIM?
SLAP HIS FACE IN FRON OF A ROOMFUL OF INVESTORS?
THAT'S A HELL OF A WAY
TO BREAK UP WITH A GUY.
SO YOU PICKED
THE WRONG GUY.
HAPPENS TO
THE BEST OF US.
I'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS.
YOU KNOW, WHEN
IT COMES TO LOVE,
THERE'S NO ACCOUNTING
FOR TASTE.
HELL, I USED
TO BE MARRIED
TO IMELDA MARCOS.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO PU YOURSELF THROUGH THIS.
A GUY LIKE THAT'S GONNA
BURY HIMSELF ANYWAY.
HE DOESN'T DESERVE YOU.
YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR HIM.
I'M JUST SUCH A JERK.
I MEAN, WHY DO I ALWAYS
PICK THE WRONG GUY?
I MEAN, I'M...
I'M SO TRUSTING...
AND SO GULLIBLE.
I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW
WHY I'M SUCH A PUSHOVER.
I MEAN, I'M SUCH A SUCKER.
MMM.
MMM.
I JUST LOVE
A PRETTY FACE.
OH.
OH, IT'S SO...
OH, IT'S SO
EMBARRASSING.
OH!
OOH!
I BETTER LIE DOWN.
OH, YOU'RE
NOTHING BUT TROUBLE.
OOH!
[TICKING]
[CHIMING]
[CUCKOO CUCKOO]
[CLOCK CHIMES]
[BUGLE CALL PLAYS]
WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU DOING?
THAT WASN'T ME.
THAT WAS THE BED.
[LOCK CLICKS]
[SQUEAKING]
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
[DOOR BANGS]
OH.
UP HERE.
COME ON.
[DOOR SQUEAKS]
IN THIS ROOM!
THIS WAY.
THERE'S GO TO BE A WAY OUT.
OVER HERE.
[CRYING]
MUST BE THE NURSERY.
BAT ROOM.
OH, GUANO.
"MARJORIE VALKENHEISER.
SHE FORGOT TO DUCK."
JESUS, IT'S MOVING!
OH! AAH!
OH, OH!
NO! OH, NO!
NO!
OH, NO! NO!
AAH!
OH, JESUS.
WE GOT TO
GET OUT OF HERE.
HOW FAR
DOES THIS GO?
ALL THE WAY UP--
OOH!
TO HERE.
ARE YOU
ALL RIGHT?
IT'S A BLIND
STAIRCASE.
MAYBE I CAN--OH.
WAIT.
GOT IT. GO ON.
JESUS. LOOK OUT.
YOU ALL RIGHT?
AHH.
I DON'T KNOW
HOW MUCH MORE OF THIS CRAP
I CAN TAKE.
WE'RE TRAPPED.
WOW. LOOK A ALL THESE IDs.
WHAT IS THIS?
THERE MUST BE
THOUSANDS OF THEM.
PASSPORTS
AND AUTO CLUB CARDS.
WOW. A LICENSE.
"VIRGINIA HORSE AND
TRAPPINGS, 1896"?
"STATEWIDE SEARCH
FOR OUTLAW BIKER
GANG UNDERWAY."
"BUSLOAD OF
HARE KRISHNAS...
DISAPPEARS."
"EX-NAZI ROCKE SCIENTIST VANISHES."
'49.
ALL THESE IDs
MATCH THE NEWS CLIPPINGS.
LOOK AT THIS.
"JIMMY HOFFA
STILL MISSING"?
HERE'S HIS ID.
ARE YOU KIDDING?
OH, WOW.
I THINK THEY'VE BEEN
DOING THIS AROUND HERE
SINCE THE 1890s.
I DON'T SEE ANY REASON
WHY THEY'LL STOP AT US.
I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS.
THEY'RE ALL
CRIMINALS AND CREEPS.
BANKERS.
EXACTLY.
NAH.
AAH!
WHAT HAPPENED?
AAH!
AAH!
AAH!
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]
OH.
I WISH WE WERE
ON THAT TRAIN.
ME, TOO.
GOOD LUCK, SLICK.
LOOK AT THIS.
IT'S A SLIDE.
YEAH, BUT THIS
IS NO PLAYGROUND.
COULD BE A BED
OF SPIKES DOWN THERE.
LET'S GO.
GO. YOU GO.
TAKE IT SLOW.
AAH!
AH, SHIT! OHHH!
DIANE!
OHHH!
UH-OH. DIANE.
AAH!
WHERE? WHY? WHAT?
WHAT? WHEN?
OH, NO!
CHRIS.
CHRIS.
COME ON.
CHRIS!
YOU GET DOWN HERE
RIGHT NOW!
COME ON.
%% OH %%
%% HOWDY-DO %%
YEAH. HECK, I ALWAYS
WAS A GOOD-LOOKING FELLA.
[HUMMING]
[FARTS]
THE BEEMER.
[GASP]
UH-OH.
COME ON.
FANTASTIC.
Recorded message:
THIS IS CELL-NET ONE.
THE SYSTEM
TO WHICH YOU SUBSCRIBE
HAS NO AGREEMEN WITH OUR SERVICE--
GEE, WE HAVE
TO FINISH THIS WORK
FOR GRANDPA ALVIN, OK?
WE'RE ALWAYS
WORKING FOR HIM.
HE TREATS US
LIKE WE'RE HIS DOGS,
NOT HIS GRANDSONS.
WE GO NO HUMAN RIGHTS.
HE'S JUST MAD THA WE BOTH GOT SO FA WE COULDN' FINISH HIGH SCHOOL.
YOU'RE THE FAT ONE
BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS EA TOO MUCH CEREAL.
YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO'S FAT.
NOT AS FAT AS YOU.
YOU'RE THE FAT ONE.
JUST GET THE HAMMER.
I GOT IT.
CAN'T YOU
HOLD THAT STRAIGHT?
HEY. YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO'S FORGING.
CAN'T YOU EVEN SEE?
I CAN SEE
YOU'RE STUPID.
OH, THAT'S IT.
I AM NEVER
WORKING FOR YOU
IN THIS
FOUNDRY AGAIN.
NEVER!
GIVE ME THAT. GO GE A BALL-PEEN HAMMER.
NO!
THE ONE'S THAT ROUND
ON THE END.
I KNOW THE BALL-PEEN
HAMMER'S ROUND.
HE THINKS
I'M HIS CHILD.
OH!
OOH! TRESPASSER!
GET HER!
GET HER!
OOH!
STOP, TRESPASSER!
STOP!
AAH!
AAH!
HI.
ELDONA'S
GOT HER.
THAT'S GOOD.
YES.
ELDONA'S GOT HER.
THAT'S NOT GOOD.
NO. THAT'S NO GOOD.
AAH!
STOP! WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?
NO, ELDONA. NO.
OH! NO! NO! NO!
WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?
NO, NO.
DON'T THROW HER IN THE
MINEFIRE VENT, PLEASE.
WE JUST WAN TO PLAY WITH HER.
OH, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
I KNOW. I KNOW.
WE WON'T LOSE HER.
HI.
I'M BOBO.
THAT'S L'LL DEBBULL.
HI. WE'RE NOT ALLOWED
IN THE HOUSE.
AHH.
OH. OH.
IS SHE OK?
[SNORING]
[CRACKLING]
JUDGE VALKENHEISER.
JUDGE!
WAAAAA!
I GOT SOME SPEEDERS.
I'M BRINGING THEM IN.
I'LL MEET YOU
IN THE COURTROOM.
KEEP ALL YOUR FAT PARTS
IN ONE PLACE.
I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN.
%% OH, BABY,
YOU HIT ME LIKE THUNDER %%
%% GET OVER, GET ONTO,
GET INTO %%
%% TO LOVE IT WAS
ALWAYS A SIN TO %%
%% GET UP OR GET OVER,
GET UNDER %%
%% OH, BABY,
YOU HIT ME LIKE THUNDER %%
%% GET OVER, GET ONTO,
GET INTO... %%
THAT'S IT, FELLAS.
RIGHT UP THE STAIRS.
HERE WE ARE,
GENTLEMEN.
COME ALONG.
JOIN THE PARTY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
COME ON. EVERYBODY.
MAN, WOULD YOU LOOK
AT THIS PLACE?
IT'S LIKE
EXTREMELY DRACULATED.
WHITE MAN'S HEAVEN.
ONE AT A TIME.
HERE WE ARE.
WE'RE HOME. LET'S GO. 1, 2.
LICKETY-SPLIT.
SHE IS ONE UGLY,
CROSS-BURNING,
REDNECK, PECKERWOOD
POLICE BITCH, MAN.
ALL RIGHT, MOVE.
A GOOD MAN'S WORK
IS NEVER DONE.
OH, I SAT AROUND
ALL DAY
LISTENING TO
ALL THOSE STORIES
WHEN I WAN TO RELAX AND JUST...
"VILLAGE REEVE HUR IN FOUNDRY BLAST."
SO THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE POOR,
OLD, UGLY PUSBAG.
I THOUGHT I TOOK CARE
OF MY VERMIN PROBLEM
LAST YEAR.
I'M GLAD
I FORGOT MY PISTOL.
BAD CALL, CORN FLAKE.
I LEFT THAT LEG
IN FRANCE.
AND NOW...
I'M GONNA STICK YOU.
I'M GONNA DIG
SO MANY NEW HOLES IN YOU,
YOU'RE GONNA LOOK
LIKE A SALT SHAKER.
GET YOUR ITALIAN LOAFERS
OUT OF MY BEDPAN.
OOH!
I'M GOING TO
MAKE YOU CRY NOW, BOY.
CHEW ON THIS,
YOU STINKING RELIC.
MY SKUNK!
[CRACK]
YOU ARE WORSE THAN A WEEK
OF YELLOW SHIT STORMS.
FIRST I FIND YOU ROOTING AROUND
IN MY PRIVATE THINGS.
NOW YOU'RE
MAKING ADVANCES
AGAINS MY LITTLE GRANDDAUGHTER.
I WAS JUST TRYING
TO GET AWAY FROM YOU.
I RAN INTO HER, OK?
WELL, SHE'S GO YOUR TAINT ON HER NOW.
TAINT.
NO CHOICE
BUT HOUSE POLICY.
FINE. HOUSE POLICY.
WHAT'S HOUSE POLICY?
WHATEVER MAN TOUCHES HER
IS THE ONE SHE KEEPS.
WHAT? WHAT ARE
YOU TALKING--
OH, NO. WAIT A MINUTE.
OH, NO. WAIT A MINUTE.
I JUST WENT THROUGH
A GODDAMN STOP SIGN.
I JUST WANT TO GE TO ATLANTIC CITY.
PLEASE, JUDGE.
SHE'LL KNOW
WHAT TO DO WITH HIM.
[MARCH PLAYS]
WHAT THE HELL
IS THAT?
OK. WHAT'S GOING ON?
BOY!
12:30, ISN'T IT?
KIND OF LATE.
I WAS DREAMING I WAS BACK
IN FRANCE ON FURLOUGH.
STEP FORWARD, CONSTABLE.
WHAT ARE THE CHARGES HERE?
SPEEDING.
75 IN A 50.
IN A HEARSE.
WELL, IF I WAS AN AMBULANCE,
YOU GOT A CHANCE.
IF IT'S IN A HEARSE,
GOT TO BE WORSE.
OK. WELL, THIS
IS A UNION CARD, HUH?
WHAT ARE YOU,
MINE WORKERS?
AW, MAN.
NO, MAN.
WE'RE MUSICIANS.
WE'RE A HIP-HOP BAND.
YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M SAYING?
HIP-HOP? MUSICIANS?
SO YOUSE ALL
MUSICIANS, HUH?
YEAH. DEEJAYS.
CONSTABLE,
YOU SEARCH THE VEHICLE?
YES, SIR. I DID.
IT CONTAINS
MUSICAL ITEMS.
WELL, I, UH...
WELL...I'D
BETTER SEE THEM.
BRING THEM ALL IN,
SET THEM UP.
LET ME SEE THEM.
ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO.
%% BIG GIRLS %%
%% DON'T CRY %%
%% BIG GIRLS %%
%% DON'T CRY %%
%% BIG GIRLS %%
%% DON'T CRY-Y-Y %%
%% THEY DON'T CRY %%
%% BIG GIRLS %%
%% DON'T CRY %%
%% WHO SAID %%
%% THEY DON'T CRY %%
%% MY GIRL %%
%% SAID GOOD-BYE-Y-Y %%
%% MY, OH, MY... %%
ELDONA, YOU KNOW HE'S
NOT SUPPOSED TO SEE YOU
ON THIS SPECIAL DAY.
SPECIAL DAY?
WHAT IS IT,
HALLOWEEN?
RIGHT THIS WAY,
MR. SNAPPY COMEBACK.
MM-HMM.
AFTER THIS,
YOU CAN SEE US
DO OUR TAG-TEAM
WRESTLING SHOW.
OK? 3.
OK.
LET'S GO.
I GOT THAT!
I GOT THAT!
I WIN. MY DEAL.
BOBO WINS BECAUSE
BOBO'S HAND WAS ON TOP.
YEAH. MY HAND'S ON TOP.
I WIN. MY DEAL.
NO, I WON. MY DEAL.
MY HAND'S ON TOP.
MY DEAL. I WIN.
THAT'S RIGHT. BOBO WINS.
BOBO'S HAND WAS ON TOP.
MY HAND WAS ON TOP.
I WIN. I DEAL.
OK.
OK.
IF I WIN AGAIN,
I GET...
ANOTHER BOWL
OF CEREAL.
AND IF I WIN,
I GET DIANE.
NO, LLL DEBBULL.
MY DEAL.
OK, BOBO. DEAL 'EM.
DROP THE BEAT, J.
%% BEEN ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% BEEN ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% SAME SONG %%
%% A-ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% SAME SONG %%
%% I CAME FOR THE PARTY %%
%% TO GET NAUGHTY,
GET MY ROCKS ON %%
%% EAT POPCORN %%
%% WATCH YOU
MOVE YOUR BODY %%
%% TO THE POP SONG THA I'M SINGIN', DING-A-LINGIN' %%
%% FUNKY BEAT'S RINGIN' %%
%% EVERYBODY SWINGIN'
IN THE PLACE %%
%% AS I KICK
THE J-A-Z-Z-Y STYLE %%
%% R & B MIXIN' IT WITH THE
HIP-HOP SWING BEAT CHAMPAGNE %%
%% IN MY HAND,
IT WON'T BE LONG %%
%% TILL I'M GONE %%
%% IT'S JUS THE SAME OLD SONG %%
%% IT'S JUS A FREE STYLE %%
%% MEANWHILE WE'LL KEEP
THE BEAT KICKIN' %%
%% SWEAT DRIPPIN' %%
%% GIRLIES IN THE LIMO
EATIN' CHICKEN %%
%% OOPS, DON'T GET THE GREASE
ON YOUR PANTY HOSE %%
%% I LOVE YOU, ROVER, MOVE OVER,
I GOTTA BLOW MY NOSE %%
%% SNEEZIN', BUT STILL
I'M PLEASIN' ALL THE SLIMMIES %%
%% PULL OUT MY JIMMY %%
%% TIME TO GET BUSY
WITH A JENNY %%
%% IF IT'S GOOD AND PLENTY,
DON'T YOU KNOW? %%
%% THERE I GO, THERE I GO,
THERE I GO %%
%% BUT I DON'T GO NOWHERE
WITHOUT MY GYM HAT %%
%% WHEN I'M RAPPIN' AS IF SHE'S
CLAPPIN', THEN I'M STRAPPIN' %%
%% 'CAUSE I'M SMARTER
THAN THAT %%
%% AND THEN, GIRLIE,
MAYBE WE CAN GET ALONG %%
%% CUTIE AFTER CUTIE %%
%% IT'S JUS THE SAME OLD SONG %%
%% ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% SAME SONG %%
%% AHH %%
%% ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% SAME SONG %%
%% ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% SAME SONG %%
%% ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% SAME SONG %%
%% ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% SAME SONG %%
%% ALL--ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% SAME SONG %%
%% ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% SAME SONG %%
YES.
YEP.
YOU SURE ARE A GAGGLE
OF MUSICIANS, SURE ENOUGH.
AND NOW...
THE DISPOSITION
OF YOUR CASE.
UH, GATHER IN
A LITTLE CLOSER, THERE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
RIGHT THERE. YEAH.
IN LIGHT OF
YOUR CONTRIBUTION
TO THE COMMON GOOD,
I HEREBY WAVE ALL FINES,
SUSPEND ALL SENTENCES.
YOU'RE FREE TO GO.
HEY. HOLD THE HARVEST.
THERE IS ANOTHER MATTER
BEFORE THE SHIRE COUR THIS EVENING.
AND, UH...
WELL, YOUSE ALL
MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP.
WHERE'S DIANE?
OH, SHE WENT HOME.
I GOT SOMETHING
BETTER FOR YOU.
FIRST YOU OUGHTA
KNOW SOMETHING.
IN MANY CASES HERE,
I DO OFTEN CHOOSE
TO INVEIGH
THE MAXIMUM LEVY.
FREQUENTLY, UNDESIRABLES
ARE PUT TO DEATH.
I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT.
COME ON. BUT DEATH
FOR RUNNING A STOP SIGN?
AND FOR BEING
A BANKER.
THAT'S
THE DOUBLE DEATH.
HOWEVER,
I'D BE WILLING
TO CAST ASIDE
ALL FINDINGS,
BE BLIND TO
YOUR BANKER'S BLOOD,
LET YOU LIVE OU YOUR DAYS HERE
AS HUSBAND
TO MY GRANDDAUGHTER,
FATHER TO HER CHILD,
AND HEIR TO MY SEAT.
WHA-WHAT ARE
YOU SAYING?
IT'S DEATH OR ELDONA?
OH, COME ON, LAD.
TAKE HER HAND.
WARM MY TIRED
OLD HEART.
I KNOW WOMEN.
SHE LOVES YOU.
EVER SINCE
SHE SAW YOU,
SHE'S BEEN
FLOATING AROUND
LIKE MILKWEED
IN A SPRING BREEZE.
UH-HUH.
MAKE HER HAPPY.
TAKE CARE
OF HER NEEDS,
AND YOU'LL INHERI A FORTUNE
ALI BABA
WOULD CRAVE.
LISTEN, JUDGE.
UH...
YOU KNOW, I'VE--I'VE SPEN SOME TIME ALONE WITH HER,
AND SHE'S
A SPECTACULAR WOMAN.
SHE'S QUIE BUT, UH, JUST SHY.
MUTE.
AH.
BUT, JUDGE, AS FAR AS
HER NEEDS ARE CONCERNED,
I COULD NEVER PRESUME
TO BE ABLE TO FILL THEM.
OH, YOU CAN SLIP ON
A PUD COLLAR.
NOW, LET ME GET YOU
OUT OF THESE CUFFS
AND CHAINS,
AND I'LL GET YOU
ALL MARRIED UP,
AND WE'LL WELCOME
YOU TO THIS FAMILY
WITH AN
ALL-NIGHT REEL.
NO CUFFS, HUH?
NO CUFFS.
PUD COLLAR.
WELL, I MUST SAY...
IT SOUNDS
AWFULLY TEMPTING.
HIT IT.
YO. DROP IT, J.
THAT'S IT.
YO.
WHAT IT BE?
WHAT IT BE?
%% WELL, TIE THE KNOT %%
%% TIE, TIE THE KNOT %%
IN HER OWN WAY,
SHE'S KIND OF
SPECIAL, ISN'T SHE?
YOU'LL NEVER
HAVE CAR TROUBLE.
[BAND HUMS
HERE COMES THE BRIDE]
%% DA DA DA DA DA %%
%% DA-DA %%
%% DA DA %%
AH, YEAH.
OK.
AHEM.
THE DISTRIC AND COMMONWEALTH,
HEREBY DULY RECOGNIZING
THE WILL AND WISH
OF A MAN AND WOMAN
TO ENTER THE HOLY
AND LIFE-BINDING
STATE OF MATRIMONY,
HEREWITH CONFIRM
THAT YOU,
ELDONA MARJORIE
VALKENHEISER,
DO TAKE TO HUSBAND
ONE...
CHRISTOPHER
LAWRENCE THORNE.
HMM.
MMM.
AND YOU...
CHRISTOPHER
LAWRENCE THORNE...
CONFIRM THAT YOU DO
TAKE TO WIFE...
ONE ELDONA MARJORIE
VALKENHEISER?
[MUMBLES]
PARDON?
WHAT?
[MUMBLES]
SPEAK UP!
I CAN--
I DO--I DO.
MMM.
THIS OFFICE SO RECOGNIZES
AND CERTIFIES THIS UNION
AND DECLARES THAT YOU ARE
NOW WEDDED MAN AND WIFE.
[POUNDS GAVEL]
YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE.
WELL, JUDGE, PLENTY
OF TIME FOR THA ON THE HONEYMOON.
YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE.
NO, NOT IN FRON OF ALL THESE PEOPLE,
YOUR HONOR.
NOW!
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE
BEFORE THE OLD MAN
CHANGES HIS MIND.
WAIT! WAIT!
HELP ME!
WE'RE OUT OF HERE.
HELP ME! THESE
ARE DANGEROUS PEOPLE.
NO!
IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
I WAS NERVOUS
AT MY WEDDING, TOO.
NO! PLEASE!
NEVER MIND HIM.
HE'S JUST GO THE WEDDING NIGHT JITTERS.
JUST GO OU THE WAY YOU CAME.
I'LL OPEN THE GATE
AND FLIP THE BRIDGE FOR YOU.
YOU BE COOL, MAN.
YEAH, WELL, BYE.
YOU WEAK-LIVERED PUFFBALL!
DAMN CITY-WORKING,
YUPPITY WELL WALLET!
LOOK HOW YOU
HURT MY GRANDDAUGHTER.
AW, YOU AIN' FAMILY MATERIAL ANYWAY.
NO, JUDGE!
AW, COME ON,
JUDGE!
NO, I WASN'T...
NO, JUDGE!
WHY? I...
JUDGE,
WHA--WHAT...
WAIT!
WHOA, NELLY!
AW, COME ON,
JUDGE!
OH, NO, AH!
SO LONG, CHARLIE!
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS NOW?
OH, NO, OH, NO!
OH, PLEASE, GOD!
GUARANTEED YOU'RE GOING
TO ENJOY THIS RIDE!
OH, GOD!
Judge: I'M OF THE SCHOOL
THAT BELIEVES
THE LAST 30 SECONDS
OF A PERSON'S LIFE
OUGHT TO HAVE
A LITTLE ZIP IN THEM.
JUDGE, LISTEN,
I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.
AAH!
%% GOIN' DOWN %%
%% BONESTRIPPER... %%
OH, PLEASE,
OH, PLEASE, GOD, NO!
JUDGE, I'M SORRY, PLEASE!
I--I--I LOVE ELDONA!
I LOVE YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER!
SHE'S BEAUTIFUL!
AAH!
OH, NO! MY--HEY!
PLEASE, GOD, HELP!
PLEASE, GOD, STOP!
PLEASE, GOD, OH, PLEASE!
GOD...
OH, PLEASE, DEAR LORD!
PLEASE...
PLEASE, GOD, I...
THANK YOU, LORD.
OH.
DAMN THING
BLEW A BELT.
TELL ELDONA
TO GO AND FIX IT.
EASY ON HER, GRANDPA.
SHE'S MIGHTY BROKE UP.
I'LL GET HIM.
DON'T LET HIM GET AWAY!
BRING THAT THERE LOAD
TO THE GRADERTINE.
DIANE?
DIANE?
%% I MEAN, I MEAN, I MEAN,
I MEAN I LOVE YOU %%
%% I DREAM, I DREAM,
I DREAM, I DREAM %%
%% HOW I LOVE YOU %%
%% OH, KISS, OH, KISS,
OH, KISSITY KISS %%
COME ON!
ELDONA!
MMM.
MMM.
OK.
AAH!
YOU GO ON,
GET OUT OF HERE!
GET OUT OF HERE,
YOU BIG SLUSHBAG!
GO ON BACK TO YOUR HOLE.
EXCUSE MY GRANDKIDS.
THEY'RE ALL SPOILED
PULP ROTTEN!
THAT'S RIGHT.
TOO MUCH, TOO EASY,
TOO SOON.
KIDS TODAY, I KNOW.
THANKS.
WANT A MINT CANDY?
OH, UH...
NO, NO.
MISSY...
I SURE DO HATE
TO CUT AND SHUFFLE
A FINE LITTLE MUFFE LIKE YOU.
ME, TOO.
BUT I WILL!
IF JOE POLO
DON'T SHOW.
NOW, HE HUR MY FAMILY.
OK.
CHILD, YOU'LL WALK FREE.
SCOT-FREE,
RIGHT OUT OF HERE.
YOU JUST GE ON THE TWO-WAY NOW
AND TELL MR. HIGH-CLASS
TO COME ON IN.
OK, I'LL TALK TO HIM
RIGHT NOW.
ALL RIGHT.
AAH!
YOU OK, JUDGE?
SEE?
SEE THAT?
NOW SOMEBODY'S
GOT TO PAY
FOR THE WAY
THEY SAPPED THIS GROUND.
YOU WAN YOUR PILLS?
I'M ALL RIGHT.
HEY, HOTWORM!
LISTEN!
WE GOT YOUR PRETTY LITTLE
GIRLFRIEND DOWN HERE
READY TO GO ON THE GRADERTINE
FOR A QUARTERING,
BUT BECAUSE
SHE'S A BRIGHT-EYED,
SMART-LOOKING TYPE,
I'M WILLING
TO MAKE A TRADE.
YOU LIE DOWN
IN HER PLACE,
SHE GOES FREE.
WE'LL ALL BE HAPPY,
INCLUDING YOU.
HERE, HERE, YOU TELL--
WHERE THE HELL'S
THAT DOG-FOOD-EATING GRANDSON
OF MINE ANYWAY?
DENNIS!
HERE, YOU TALK.
WHAT'S GOING ON
WITH HIM, ANYWAY?
WHAT, IS SOMEBODY NO GIVING HIM HIS NAPALM?
UH, CHRIS...
HI. UM...IT'S DIANE.
UM, LISTEN...
RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
SAVE YOURSELF!
TELL THE WORLD
ABOUT THIS PLACE!
JUST--AAH!
OH, BOY.
YOU REALLY PUT THE PIN
IN THE PARTY HOG NOW, GIRL.
YOU GOT 5 MINUTES
TO COME ON IN,
OR SHE GETS CU AND SHUFFLED.
MIND, NOW, NO GALLANTRY
AND NO SUICIDE STUNTS.
YOU JUST COME ON IN.
COME ON, NOW.
BE A REAL MAN.
SURPRISE YOURSELF.
SAVE THE WOMAN.
GIVE YOURSELF UP
FOR THE GIRL.
SHE'LL CRY OVER YOU
FOR WEEKS.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, BOY?
HEH HEH HEH!
AIN'T SHE WORTH IT?
ALL RIGHT,
YOU OLD LIVER SPOT.
SORRY ABOUT THIS, DIANE.
BUT WE HAVE TO TIE YOU DOWN
LIKE GRANDPA ALVIN SAYS.
I WISH IT WAS HIM
WE WERE TYING DOWN
INSTEAD OF YOU.
WE DON'T LIKE HIM,
BUT WE LOVE YOU.
THIS IS A CLASSIC CASE
OF A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY.
YOU SHOULD CONSIDER
SOME HELP, SOME THERAPY.
HE WON'T GO!
Judge: OK, COWBOY.
LAST CHANCE SALOON.
I'M GOING TO COUNT DOWN
FROM 10.
IF I DON'T HEAR
YOUR VOICE
BY THE TIME
I GET TO ONE,
I'M GOING TO CUT HER!
AAH! OH, DON'T!
ELDONA, GET THEM BLADES UP.
MMM.
ELDONA, HEY, LISTEN...
WHY DON'T WE GO TO NEW YORK?
I'LL TAKE YOU
TO ELIZABETH ARDEN.
10!
GET ME OUT OF HERE!
COME ON NOW, BANKER!
WHAT'S WRONG
WITH THIS LITTLE GIRL?
SHE A BAD KISSER
OR SOMETHING?
CHRIS, I REALLY DIDN' MEAN TO SAVE YOURSELF.
GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE
AND SAVE ME!
CHRIS, GET DOWN HERE!
YOU AIN'T GIVING ME
MUCH CHOICE, BOY.
PLEASE, CHRIS!
ALL RIGHT, BOY.
LAST CHANCE SALOON!
DON'T!
AAH!
DIANE!
HELP ME!
OH, GOD, HURRY,
GET MY HANDS.
HOLD ON!
OH, MY GOD!
GET MY HANDS!
WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?
OK, OH, GET ME OUT.
I KNEW YOU'D SAVE ME.
I THINK I DIRTIED
MY DIAPER.
GET ME THE HELL
OUT OF HERE, CHRIS!
HE'S FLY-DICKING
WITH ME!
ELDONA,
DROP THOSE BLADES!
GET HIM, GET HIM!
AAH!
OH, SHIT!
HEY!
WHO ARE
THE INFANT BODIES?
BOBO AND LLL DEBBULL.
THEY'RE NOT ALLOWED
IN THE HOUSE.
GET THAT SPOTLIGHT,
OK?
OK.
WHAT DO YOU PLAY
IN ATLANTIC CITY?
BLACKJACK? CRAPS?
GOT TO FIND THEM!
I DON'T THINK
THEY SAW US.
COME ON.
EXCUSE ME,
COMING THROUGH.
SORRY.
EXCUSE ME.
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]
AW, WE'LL NEVER
GET ACROSS THIS.
LET'S HEAD
TOWARDS THE TRAIN.
COME ON,
THROUGH THE WOODS.
SMELLS
LIKE SAO PAULO.
WHO'S THAT MAN
THAT WAS WITH HER?
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW, NEITHER,
BUT SHE GOT AWAY.
YOU'RE THE ONE
THAT WAS SUPPOSED
TO BE WATCHING HER.
YEAH, THAT'S THE MOS BEAUTIFUL GIRL
I'VE EVER SEEN.
BOBO, SHUT UP
AND DRIVE!
THERE THEY ARE!
ON THE HILL!
GET THEM BEFORE
THEY GET TO THE TOP.
STOP THEM!
TRAIN.
HEY!
HEY!
HEY!
STOP!
HEY, STOP!
HEY!
NOW!
COME ON!
I'M WITH YOU.
RIGHT!
COME ON, REACH!
YOU CAN DO IT!
I CAN'T MAKE IT.
TRUST ME.
COME ON, REACH OUT!
COME ON, THAT'S IT.
DAMN IT!
[RANTING]
WE GOT TO GE SOME HELP.
AS SOON
AS THE TRAIN STOPS,
WE'LL GET OFF
AND CALL THE POLICE.
YOU SAVED MY LIFE.
THANKS.
IT WAS WORTH IT.
BYE, DIANE!
DIANE...
BYE-BYE!
BYE, DIANE.
WE WENT AROUND IN
THAT SPINNING BED,
THE DOOR FLEW UP,
AND WE CAME--
GOT UP INTO THAT,
UH, A-ATTIC--
IN THE ATTIC--
WITH THE NEWSPAPERS
AND THE, UH...
ALL THOSE LICENSES,
AND THEN--
THAT'S PRETTY MUCH WHERE
WE FOUND ALL THE LICENSES
AND THE NEWSPAPER CLIPPINGS
WHICH MATCHED--
WE WERE SMOKING
A CIGAR, RELAXING--
THERE WAS NO WAY
TO KNOW--
WHAT WAS THAT?
AN ESCAPE HATCH
OR WHATEVER.
THIS DOOR OPENED,
AND WE WENT FLYING.
BOBO AND L'IL DEBBULL
SAVED ME.
AND WE CLIMBED
THE CLIFF
TILL WE GO ON THE TRAIN
RIGHT AFTER THE
FUEL DUMP EXPLOSION.
WE THINK MAYBE
THE BRAZILLIONAIRES
HAVE BEEN KILLED.
THAT'S--DEAD.
YOU FOLKS, OF COURSE,
WILL HAVE TO COME WITH US
FOR IDENTIFICATION
PURPOSES.
WAIT A MINUTE.
THIS MAN REMOVED
HIS NOSE AND UPPER TEETH
3 INCHES
IN FRONT OF MY FACE
AND STARTED CROONING
LIKE BING CROSBY.
I'D LIKE TO HELP OUT,
BUT I'M PRETTY SURE
I CAN PICK HIM OU IN A LINEUP,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
WE COULD DO IT.
WE?
THIS IS THE STATE
ATTORNEY GENERAL.
WE HAVE A WARRAN TO SEARCH THESE PREMISES.
WHY NOT JUS BLAST YOUR WAY IN?
FIRST WE HAVE TO SERVE
THE WARRANT.
I BET WE COULD GE THEM TO COME OUT.
US?
MISS LIGHTSON DOESN' HAVE A BAD IDEA THERE.
WELL...
I SUPPOSE
IT'S WORTH A TRY,
IF--IF YOU TWO
ARE UP TO IT.
IT'D BE
OUR PLEASURE.
WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT.
CAN'T WAI TO SEE HIS FACE
WHEN HE GETS A LOAD
OF THIS.
OK.
[RINGS BELL]
YES?
WELL,
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
WHO ARE YOU?
WHY ARE YOU BOTHERING
AN OLD MAN?
YOU'RE THROUGH, JUDGE.
YOU KIDS BETTER
LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU.
THERE'S A BEE'S NEST.
HI, JUDGE ALVIN!
EVENING, TROOPERS!
CAN'T GO TOO FAR
IN THIS PART OF THE WORLD
WITHOUT RUNNING ACROSS
MY FRIENDS.
ALVIN IS SOMETHING,
ISN'T HE?
OF COURSE,
WE CAN'T ADMI THAT WE APPRECIATE THE WAY
HE GETS THINGS DONE.
AND SINCE YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU KNOW,
I'M AFRAID WE'RE GOING
TO HAVE TO COME
TO SOME KIND
OF A-AR-ARRAN...
[RUMBLING]
IT'S THE COAL FIRE!
THE SEAMS ARE GIVING WAY!
RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
COME ON, GRAB ME.
I'M NOT GOING
TO LOSE YOU NOW.
GOT YOU.
HEY, WHAT'S
ALL THAT SHAKING?
I DON'T KNOW.
I DIDN' DO ANYTHING.
AAH!
MY BEEMER! GET IN!
NO, IT WON'T START.
IT'S GOT A FUEL
CUT-OFF SWITCH.
IT'S PAR OF THE ALARM SYSTEM.
NO SEAT BELTS.
NO ROOF.
OH, MY!
FAUSTO, THAT WAS THE
MOST ADVENTUROUS WEEKEND
OF MY ENTIRE LIFE.
WHEN I THINK ABOUT WHA HAPPENED IN VALKENVANIA,
I WOULD DO IT AGAIN.
NOT ME.
I WAS LIKE JAMES BOND.
DON'T WORRY, DENNIS.
NOW THAT YOU ARE HEAD
OF OUR PERSONAL SECURITY...
AND MY LOVER...
DUDE, YOUR LIFE'S
GOING TO BE FANTASTIC.
AND DON'T YOU WORRY.
NO ONE'S GOING
TO TOUCH YOU
OR MY LITTLE
FLORA DE LA LUNA.
OOH. DENNIS,
LISTEN TO ME...
[WHISTLING]
[MUMBLING]
WOOF! WOOF!
NO! UNH!
HEY, CHRIS.
CHRIS,
HEY, HEY, HEY!
IT'S OK.
TAKE IT EASY.
I THINK
YOU'RE JUST HAVING
A LITTLE NAPMARE.
OHHH.
IT'S OVER?
OH, YEAH, IT'S OVER.
YOU'RE OK,
WE'RE SAFE.
OH, GOD.
TAKE IT EASY.
OH, JEEZ,
WHAT A WEEKEND.
YEAH, NO KIDDING.
IT'S OK.
I'M GOING TO GO
TAKE A SHOWER.
OK.
JUST REST.
I'LL REST.
OK.
I'M GOING TO WATCH
A LITTLE TV.
NUMEROUS FIRE COMPANIES
FROM NEW YORK,
NEW JERSEY, OHIO,
AND ALL
NEIGHBORING STATES
ARE BARELY ABLE
TO HANDLE
THE SUBTERRANEAN MINE FIRE
NEAR THE TOWN
OF VALKENVANIA.
DIANE,
YOU SHOULD SEE THIS.
OUR SUSAN CAMPOS IS ON THE SCENE.
THIS CLOUD MAY HAVE
A SILVER LINING.
GEOLOGISTS SAY THE BRIEF
BUT INTENSE HEA FROM FISSURES
10 MILES BELOW
HAVE COOKED THE UPPER
COAL TAILINGS
INTO A FINE,
MEDIUM-GRADE CRUDE--
OVER 50 MILLION BARRELS.
WAIT JUST--JUS ONE SECOND, ROGER.
I SEE ONE OF
THE VILLAGE RESIDENTS
RUMMAGING THROUGH
THE REMAINS.
EXCUSE ME, SIR,
HOW DO YOU FEEL
NOW THAT YOU
HAVE LOST EVERYTHING?
AT LEAST WE ALL
GOT OUT ALIVE.
'COURSE, THERE'S NOTHING
LEFT FOR US HERE NOW,
SO WE'RE PLANNING
TO MOVE IN
WITH MY GRANDSON-IN-LAW.
HE LIVES
IN NEW YORK CITY.
OH, COME ON, NO! WHA--
SEE YOU SOON, BANKER!
NO, WHAT?
AAH!
NO, YOU WON'T.
%% ALL AROUND THE WORLD %%
%% SAME SONG %%
%% I CAME FOR THE PARTY %%
%% TO GET NAUGHTY %%
%% GET MY ROCKS ON %%
%% EAT POPCORN %%
%% WATCH YOU
MOVE YOUR BODY %%
%% TO THE POP SONG
THAT I'M SINGIN' %%
%% DING-A-LINGIN' %%
%% FUNKY BEAT'S RINGIN' %%
%% EVERYBODY SWINGIN'
IN THE PLACE %%
%% AS I KICK
THE J-A-Z-Z-Y STYLE %%
%% R AND B MIXIN' IT WI H THE HIP-HOP SWING BEAT %%
%% CHAMPAGNE IN MY HAND %%
%% IT WON'T BE LONG
TILL I'M GONE %%
%% IT'S JUS THE SAME OLD SONG %%
%% IT'S JUS A FREE STYLE %%
%% MEANWHILE WE'LL
KEEP THE BEAT KICKIN' %%
%% SWEAT DRIPPIN' %%
%% GIRLIES IN THE LIMO
EATING CHICKEN %%
%% OOPS, DON'T GET THE GREASE
ON YOUR PANTY HOSE %%
%% I LOVE YOU, ROVER,
MOVE OVER %%
%% I GO TO BLOW MY NOSE %%
%% SNEEZIN' BUT STILL I'M
PLEASIN' ALL THE SLIMMIES %%
%% PULL OUT MY JIMMY %%
%% TIME TO GET BUSY
WITH A JENNY %%
%% IF IT'S GOOD AND PLENTY,
DON'T YOU KNOW %%
%% THERE I GO, THERE
I GO, THERE I GO %%
%% BUT I DON'T GO NOWHERE
WITHOUT MY GYM HAT %%
%% WHEN I'M RAPPIN'
AS IF SHE'S CLAPPIN' %%
%% THEN I'M STRAPPIN' 'CAUSE
I'M SMARTER THAN THAT %%
%% THEN, GIRLIE, MAYBE
WE CAN GET ALONG %%
%% CUTIE AFTER CUTIE %%
%% IT'S JUS THE SAME OLD SONG %%
%% ALL AROUND THE WORLD %%
%% SAME SONG %%
%% IT'S THE SAME
OLD SONG, Y'ALL %%
%% ALL AROUND THE WORLD %%
%% SAME SONG %%
%% AH, IT'S JUS THE SAME OLD SONG %%
%% ALL AROUND THE WORLD %%
%% SAME SONG %%
%% SAME SONG %%
%% ALL--ALL
AROUND THE WORLD %%
%% SAME SONG %%
%% MONEY-B,
THE FREAKY DEKE %%
%% SQUEAKY-LICKIN' YOU
UP AND DOWN %%
%% WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK %%
%% I GOT TO TAKE A LEAK %%
%% SO WHILE I'M DRAININ',
ENTERTAIN 'EM %%
%% BUT I GOT FAME,
AND THE BASES ARE TOUCHED %%
%% TOO MUCH FOR ME
TO TRY TO BE NAMIN' %%
%% HEY, YO, YOU SAW ME
ON CABLE AND GRINNIN' %%
%% I BUSTED IN,
AND I WAS GOIN' TO WIN %%
%% CLARK GABLE BACK IN OAKLAND,
IT'S THE SAME OLD SONG %%
%% THIS SPORTY SHORTY %%
%% SAME FRECKLES AND HAT,
DRINKING THE SAME FORMULA %%
%% HYPOTHETICAL,
POLITICAL, LYRICAL %%
%% MIRACLE WHIP,
JUST LIKE BUTTER %%
%% MY RHYMES ARE LEGIT %%
%% 'CAUSE I'M A HUMPTY,
NOT HUMPTY DUMPTY %%
%% BUT HUMPTY HUMP %%
%% HERE A HUMP,
THERE A HUMP %%
%% EVERYWHERE
A HUMPTY HUMP %%
%% AW, SHUT UP
AND JUST LISTEN %%
%% NOT DISSIN',
DON'T GET ME WRONG %%
%% BUT TO ME IT'S
JUST THE SAME OLD SONG %%
%% SO JUST WATCH,
'CAUSE MY NAME IS SHOCK %%
%% I LIKE TO ROCK,
AND YOU CAN'T STOP THIS %%
%% 2 PAC, GO AHEAD
AND ROCK THIS %%
%% NOW I CLOWN AROUND %%
%% WHEN I HANG AROUND
WITH THE UNDERGROUND %%
%% GIRLS THAT USED
TO FROWN %%
%% SAY I'M DOWN
WHEN I COME AROUND %%
%% GAS ME
AND REALLY PASS ME %%
%% THEY USED TO DISS ME,
HARASS ME %%
%% BUT NOW THEY ASK ME
IF THEY CAN KISS ME %%
%% GET SOME FAME,
PEOPLE CHANGE %%
%% WANT TO
LIVE THEIR LIFE, HA %%
%% SAME SONG,
CAN'T GO WRONG %%
%% IF I PLAY
THE NICE GUY %%
%% CLAIM TO FAME
MUST HAVE CHANGED %%
%% NOW THA WE BECAME STRONG %%
%% I REMAIN STILL THE SAME %%
%% WHY, 2 %%
%% 'CAUSE
IT'S THE SAME SONG %%
%% ALL AROUND THE WORLD %%
%% IT'S THE SAME SONG %%
%% SAME OLD SONG, Y'ALL %%
%% ALL AROUND THE WORLD %%
%% SAME SONG %%
%% GET OUT, GET OUT,
SHAKE IT %%
%% ALL AROUND THE WORLD,
THE SAME SONG %%
%% IT'S JUS THE SAME OLD SONG %%
%% IT'S THE SAME SONG %%
%% LIVIN' IN IT, BABY %%
%% ALL AROUND THE WORLD,
THE SAME SONG %%
%% YEAH, HUMPTY HUMP
IN THE HOUSE, Y'ALL %%
%% ALL AROUND THE WORLD,
THE SAME SONG %%
%% IT'S THE SAME OLD SONG %%
%% ALL AROUND THE WORLD,
THE SAME SONG %%
%% ALL AROUND THE WORLD,
THE SAME SONG %%
AHH...
%% BEEN ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% IT'S THE SAME SONG %%
%% BEEN ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% IT'S THE SAME SONG %%
%% BEEN ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% IT'S THE SAME SONG %%
%% BEEN ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% IT'S THE SAME SONG %%
%% BEEN ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% IT'S THE SAME SONG %%
%% BEEN ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% IT'S THE SAME SONG %%
%% BEEN ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% IT'S THE SAME SONG %%
%% BEEN ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% IT'S THE SAME SONG %%
%% BEEN ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% IT'S THE SAME SONG %%
%% BEEN ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% IT'S THE SAME SONG %%
%% BEEN ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% IT'S THE SAME SONG %%
%% BEEN ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% IT'S THE SAME %%
%% THE SAME SONG... %%
%% FULL OF FUN %%
%% SEEMS TO BE THE IDEAL %%
%% YES, THE GOOD LIFE %%
%% LETS YOU HIDE
ALL THE SADNESS YOU FEEL %%
MM-HMM.
%% YOU WON'T REALLY
FALL IN LOVE %%
%% FOR YOU CAN' TAKE THE CHANCE %%
%% SO BE HONES WITH YOURSELF %%
%% DON'T TRY
TO FAKE ROMANCE %%
NO.
%% IT'S THE GOOD LIFE %%
%% TO BE FREE
AND EXPLORE THE UNKNOWN %%
%% YES,
AND THE HEARTACHES %%
%% WHEN YOU LEARN
YOU MUST FACE THEM ALONE %%
UH-HUH.
%% PLEASE REMEMBER
I STILL WANT YOU %%
%% AND IN CASE
YOU WONDER WHY %%
%% WELL, JUST WAKE UP,
BABY %%
%% AND KISS THE GOOD LIFE
GOOD-BYE %%
THAT'S ALL YOU GOT TO DO.
COME ALL THE WAY UP.
ALL THE WAY.
THANK YOU.
%% PLEASE REMEMBER %%
%% I STILL LOVE YOU %%
20 MINUTES.
HELLO, GOOD-BYE.
OK.
%% AND IN CASE
YOU WONDER WHY %%
%% WELL, WAKE UP, BABY %%
%% AND KISS THE GOOD LIFE
GOOD-BYE %%
EVENING, MR. THORNE.
EVENING, MIKE.
110 BLOCKS
IN UNDER 15 MINUTES.
NOT BAD FOR A ONE-EYED
RUSSIAN IMMIGRANT.
SOMEBODY THROWING A PARTY?
YOU ARE, SIR.
OH, YEAH?
AM I HAVING A GOOD TIME?
WELL, MANHATTAN FINE WINES
JUST DELIVERED 6 CASES
OF SALON LES MESNIL.
THAT'S PRETTY
PRICEY STUFF.
WHAT DID I PAY
FOR IT?
WHAT DO YOU CARE?
YOU GOT MORE MONEY THAN
YOU CAN EVEN LOOK AT.
OH, I'D LIKE
TO THANK YOU
FOR THAT LITTLE TIP ON
THE MARKET YOU GAVE ME.
THE WIFE SAYS THE STOCK'S
GONE UP 5 POINTS.
GOOD, MIKE.
WANT SOME MORE ADVICE?
SURE.
SELL IT.
HERE, READ MY NEWSLETTER.
HAVE FUN.
FUN IS ACTUALLY KNOWING
WHO HALF YOUR GUESTS ARE.
.
%% HEY, HEY %%
%% WOMAN, KISS THE GOOD LIFE
GOOD-BYE %%
GOOD EVENING.
CHRIS, LOOK! IT'S US!
GOOD EVENING, CHRIS.
HI, CHRIS.
I SAVE IT FOR YOU.
THAT'S WHAT SHE SAYS
TO ALL THE GUYS.
I'LL GET THE NEXT ONE.
GO AHEAD.
CIGAR.
CHRIS, WE'LL SEE YOU
IN THE APARTMENT.
[YIP YIP]
[YIP YIP YIP]
OOP!
OH, I'M SORRY, SIR.
HEY, LITTLE FELLA.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
GET DOWN!
COME ON, GIRLS.
GET OVER HERE.
I'M SORRY.
YOU OUGHTA GET CATS.
THEY'RE
A LOWER-MAINTENANCE PET.
AH, HERE WE GO.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
COME ON, GIRLS.
CHRIS!
CHRIS!
I HATE CROWDS.
YOU NEW
IN THE BUILDING?
YOU ALL RIGHT?
Y-YES.
TAKE THIS.
I-I'M SORRY.
IT'S OK.
I NEVER DO THIS.
LISTEN, SOME PEOPLE
ARE THROWING A PARTY
UP AT MY APARTMENT.
WHY DON'T YOU
COME UP FOR A DRINK?
IT WILL HELP YOU RELAX.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
OH...
THAT SON OF A BITCH!
I DON' BELIEVE THIS.
THAT BASTARD!
I CAN' BELIEVE THIS!
[YIP YIP YIP]
I'LL BE IN THE PENTHOUSE
IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND.
THANKS FOR
THE ESPRESSO MAKER...
AND THE BAG OF SHIT.
[RING]
[RING]
HOWARD SUNTZ'S
OFFICE.
MIRIAM, THIS IS DIANE.
LET ME TALK TO HOWARD.
I'M SORRY,
MS. LIGHTSON.
HE LEFT EXPLICI INSTRUCTIONS
NOT TO BE DISTURBED.
WHAT'S GOING ON WITH
THIS LANDFILL DEAL?
I'M ONLY
HIS GODDAMN LAWYER.
WHY DIDN'T I KNOW
ABOUT IT?
HE SAID
HE'S DOING THE DEAL.
YOUR SERVICES
WON'T BE NEEDED,
PROFESSIONALLY
OR PERSONALLY.
THIS IS NOT ABOUT OUR
PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP.
THIS IS BUSINESS.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
IT'S ABOUT MY
PROFESSIONAL CREDENTIALS,
MY--MY LAW FIRM'S TIME.
WHY AM I TALKING TO YOU?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU TELL HOWARD
I'M COMING DOWN THERE.
EXCUSE ME.
OH!
HI.
HI. GLAD YOU
COULD MAKE IT.
THANKS. DIANE LIGHTSON
I'M FROM THE FIRM
OF MASUR AND GLENNET.
CHRIS THORNE.
I'M SORRY ABOU THE COLD HANDS.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
THE LAW FIRM
MASUR, GLENNET,
WEESE, WEISS,
WORPLE, WHIP ME?
YEAH,
THAT'S THE ONE.
WHAT'S YOUR SPECIALTY?
INVESTMENT SYNDICATION
AND PUBLIC FLOTATION.
IT'S GOT TO BE PAINFUL.
WOULD YOU LIKE A DRINK?
I'D LOVE ONE.
SCOTCH?
GREAT.
ARE YOU OK?
YEAH, FINE.
ARE YOU GOING TO
THE SUNTZ THING?
ARE YOU KIDDING?
NOT UNLESS SOMEBODY
HOLDS A GUN TO MY HEAD.
HE'S A FRAUD.
HE'S A RIPOFF ARTIST.
IT'S ALL ABOUT BUYING LAKES
AND FILLING THEM WITH GARBAGE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT SE YOU OFF IN THE ELEVATOR,
BUT IF I WERE YOU, I'D STAY
AWAY FROM THIS SUNTZ GUY.
LET'S JUST SAY I HAVE
A PERSONAL INTERES IN THIS PARTICULAR DEAL,
SO IF YOU'RE NOT GOING,
CAN I BORROW YOUR CAR?
WHOA, WHOA.
I'M A GOOD DRIVER.
I DIDN'T SAY I'M NOT GOING.
I JUST SAID I'M NO PLANNING ON GOING.
I HAVE A LOW OPINION
OF THE GUY,
BUT IF IT'S
THAT IMPORTANT TO YOU,
MAYBE YOU KNOW
SOMETHING I DON'T.
MAYBE I SHOULD RECONSIDER.
I REALLY
LIKE TO DRIVE.
I'LL DRIVE.
I'M HAPPY TO DRIVE.
NO, NO. IT'S MY CAR.
I'LL DO THE DRIVING, OK?
OK, GREAT.
YOU DRIVE.
WHO'S GOING FOR A DRIVE?
ARE YOU, CHRIS?
NO, NOT TONIGHT.
WHEN? WHERE?
WE LOVE TO DRIVE.
ARE YOU GOING
TO YOUR HOUSE
IN THE HAMPTONS?
THAT'S FANTASTIC.
WHEN ARE WE LEAVING?
VERY, VERY EARLY,
MUCH TOO EARLY FOR YOU.
HOW ABOUT NOON
IN THE PARKING GARAGE?
NOON IS BETTER.
WE LOVE IT!
FANTASTIC!
GREAT.
I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.
THAT'S FAUSTO AND
RENALDA SQUIRINIZSU.
I GIVE THEM INVESTMEN COUNSELING SOMETIMES.
THEY'RE BRAZILLIONAIRES.
THEY HAVE BREAKFAST AROUND
2:00 IN THE AFTERNOON.
WE'LL NEVER
SEE THEM AGAIN.
GOOD.
SO I'LL SEE YOU
IN THE GARAGE
AT NOON.
DON'T BE LATE.
I WON'T BE LATE.
GOOD.
OHHH.
[BRAKES SCREECH]
UGH.
MORNING, MR. THORNE.
MORNING, MIKE.
FUN NIGHT, HUH?
OH, GOD,
I CAN'T DO THIS.
LISTEN, DO ME
A FAVOR, WILL YOU?
YOU KNOW
DIANE LIGHTSON?
SHE JUST MOVED IN.
YES, SIR. 23-B?
YEAH. SHE'LL BE DOWN
IN A COUPLE MINUTES.
TELL HER
I'M TOO TIRED,
I'M SICK,
I CAN'T DRIVE HER.
GIVE HER THE CAR
WITH MY COMPLIMENTS.
CERTAINLY.
I GO TO GET SOME SLEEP.
GIVE ME
THE KEYS, MIKE.
WOW!
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL
BEEMER.
GOOD MORNING.
THIS IS A VINTAGE
WHAT, 733i?
3.3 LITER?
THAT'S RIGHT.
HAD IT 2 YEARS,
NEVER BEEN OU OF MANHATTAN.
REALLY? WELL,
MAYBE I SHOULD DRIVE.
I'LL DRIVE.
LET ME GET THA FOR YOU.
THANK YOU.
WOW...
THIS IS REALLY CHERRY.
MM-HMM.
MAKE YOURSELF COMFY.
THANK YOU, MIKE.
HOPE YOU
FEEL BETTER, SIR.
I FEEL GREAT.
FEEL FINE.
WHAT THE FUCK...
I DON' BELIEVE THIS.
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN
A BRAZILLIONAIRE
NEVER FORGETS.
THEY'RE NOT COMING
WITH US, ARE THEY?
LOOK AT THEM.
I CAN'T SAY NO.
CHRIS!
CHRIS, DUDE!
YOU DID NOT THINK
WE'D BE UP SO EARLY.
HAD NO IDEA.
HI, CHRIS.
[KISS KISS
KISS KISS]
CHRIS,
WHERE ARE WE GOING?
WE'RE GOING
TO ATLANTIC CITY.
GET IN THE TRUNK.
GOOD. WE CAN SEE
THE TAJ MAHAL.
I LOVE IT.
THEY CALL IT THE NINTH
WONDER OF THE WORLD.
WE HAVE THE FIFTH IN
SOUTH AMERICA, IN RIO--
THE CHRIST OF CORCOVADO.
HI, I'M RENALDA.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
THIS IS MY BROTHER
FAUSTO.
ENCANTADO.
CHRIS,
PUT THIS TAPE ON.
LET'S CHANKA.
[LA CHANKA PLAYS]
Fausto:
THIS IS NICE.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
SO, HOW LONG HAVE YOU
BEEN DIVORCED?
4 YEARS.
YOU STILL LOVE HER?
NAH.
BEEN OVER IT FOR...
WEEKS.
CHRIS, THIS ROAD
IS SUCH A DULL PLACE.
WE HAVE A NICE LITTLE
SURPRISE PICNIC FOR YOU.
CLEAN FOOD.
LET'S TAKE THE CAR
INTO THE COUNTRYSIDE
FOR A WHILE.
COUNTRYSIDE?
THIS IS THE JERSEYVANIA
TRIANGLE.
WHOLE DAMN PLACE
IS A MESS OF
BURNT-OUT FACTORIES,
JUNKYARDS,
AND COAL FIELDS.
BELIEVE ME,
I KNOW.
MY GRANDFATHER WAS
IN COAL COMMODITIES.
SO LET'S GO
AND SEE THEM.
NO, I DON'T WAN TO GET LOST.
YOU WON'T GET LOST.
LOOK AT ALL THA FANCY EQUIPMENT YOU'VE GOT.
TAKE THAT NEXT ROAD.
LET'S SEE IF YOU
CAN USE ALL THAT SHIT.
I THINK WE SHOULD
JUST KEEP GOING.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL.
WE MADE A NICE LITTLE
SURPRISE PICNIC FOR YOU,
YOU INVITED US
ON A DRIVE,
AND YOU AREN'T DRIVING
US WHERE WE WANT.
DUDE, YOU COULD
BE A BETTER HOST.
OK, LISTEN.
HOW ABOUT THIS?
IF IT WON'T TAKE TOO LONG,
ROAD 329, PARALLEL TO THE PIKE.
IT CROSSES THE DELAWARE
AND THEN
IT CROSSES BACK HERE.
THERE SHOULD BE
BEAUTIFUL RIVER SCENERY,
AND IT WON'T TAKE US
TOO FAR OUT OF OUR WAY, OK?
IT'S YOUR DIME, LADY.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
OH, THIS
IS WONDERFUL.
Fausto: I HAVE 2 BIG MANGOES!
DO YOU LIKE MANGOES?
Renalda: OH, YES!
HE HAS MANGOES, CHEESE.
OH, THIS IS GOING
TO BE WONDERFUL!
FAUSTO, I DON' WANT TO STOP HERE.
KEEP GOING.
PULL OVER TO A VISTA.
Renalda:
OH, LOOK! A VILLAGE.
MORNING.
SELL PORK BELLIES,
BUY GOLD.
OH, JESUS!
OH, CHRIS, LOOK OUT!
WHAT IS THAT,
A VENT PIPE?
Fausto: WHAT DO YOU WAN TO DO, GET OUT AND KISS IT?
Renalda: IT SMELLS.
IT STINKS. GO, GO.
NICE TOWN, HUH?
Chris: EVEL KNIEVEL
AND MR. CLEAN.
Renalda:
OH, THIS IS BETTER.
PULL OVER.
I LIKE IT HERE.
I'M HUNGRY.
LET'S EAT RIGHT NOW.
LET'S OPEN THE WHOLE
THING UP NOW.
I DON'T SEE BUTTER.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I DIDN'T FORGE THE BUTTER.
ANTONIO THE BUTLER
FORGOT THE BUTTER,
NOT ME.
CHRIS, DO YOU
WANT A DRINK?
NO.
DIANA, SMILE!
THIS IS
A NICE ROAD.
OH, YEAH.
CHRIS, CHRIS, SMILE.
I GOT YOU IN THE MIRROR.
SMILE!
OH, NO. A COP.
WERE YOU SPEEDING?
65. THAT'S THE NATIONAL
SPEED LIMIT.
WELL, NOT EVERYWHERE.
IT SAID 50 BACK THERE.
50?
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?
YOU DON'T HAVE TO STOP.
WHAT? RIGHT.
LET'S
GET OUT THE GUNS
AND BLOW OU HIS FRONT TIRES.
ARE YOU CRAZY?
OF COURSE
I'M GOING TO STOP.
[SIREN]
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT, DUDE?
THIS IS
A PROVINCIAL COP, MAN.
WITH THIS CAR, YOU COULD
EASILY GET AWAY FROM HIM.
LET'S SEE
IF WE COULD DO 90.
ARE YOU KIDDING?
THIS BABY WILL DO 130.
SO LET'S DO IT!
GOOD. GO, CHRIS.
THORNE,
FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, GO.
GO, MAN.
YOU WIMP CHICKEN,
LET'S GO!
HIT IT! PUSH IT!
THIS IS A LITTLE
GODDAMN HAMLET.
CHRIS, GO!
HERE WE GO.
PUSH IT!
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS.
I DON'T KNOW.
GO, CHRIS.
COME ON, CHRIS, GO.
DON'T BE SCARED.
PUSH IT!
WE'RE WINNING!
YOU HAVE A BMW.
ACT LIKE IT.
FASTER!
NOW I THINK YOU MAY
BE BREAKING THE LAW.
FORGET THE LAW!
OH, BUT IT IS SMOOTH,
ISN'T IT?
JEEZ. HE'S GO A FAST CAR, TOO.
OH, SH...
CHRIS, CHRIS, MOVE IT.
FOR CHRIST'S SAKES,
MOVE IT, CHRIS.
UH, MAYBE WE BETTER STOP.
NO.
NO, I THINK
I CAN LOSE HIM.
Cop: PULL YOUR VEHICLE
OVER NOW, PLEASE.
PULL OVER NOW.
WHAT THE HELL
IS THAT?
DETOUR!
CHRIS, WATCH OUT!
HERE WE GO!
WHOA!
HE STILL WITH US?
UH-OH.
WHERE THE HELL
ARE WE?
GO TO THE LEFT!
[HONK HONK]
OH, SHIT!
BE CAREFUL
ON THIS SIDE!
I'LL DO THE DRIVING,
ALL RIGHT?
JUST GET OVER!
JUST GET TO THE RIGHT!
BLAH BLAH
GABBY GAB GAB.
WILL YOU BE QUIET,
FAUSTO?
JUST LET ME DRIVE.
[HONK]
SIR, THIS IS
A HEAVILY TRAVELED
INDUSTRIAL ARTERY.
THESE TRUCKS
OWN THIS ROAD.
OH, MAN. I JUST WAN TO GET TO ATLANTIC CITY.
SIR...
THESE SPEEDS ARE NO ADVISABLE THROUGH HERE.
TIENES DOLARES?
OH, NO!
EVERYBODY RELAX.
ALL THEY CAN DO IS CITE ME
AND HAND ME A BUNCH OF TICKETS.
I'LL PAY THEM, AND
WE'LL BE ON OUR WAY
BACK
TO THE TURNPIKE.
OH, I SEE.
IT'S ALL
MY FAULT NOW.
FOLKS,
MEET ANDY GRIFFITH.
GOOD AFTERNOON.
DRIVER, STEP OUTSIDE
THE CAR, PLEASE.
WAS I SPEEDING?
I'M SORRY.
I WASN'T SURE YOU
WERE A REAL COP,
AND PLEASE,
I MEAN THAT IN A
COMPLIMENTARY SENSE.
THAT'S OK.
THERE'S NO LAW
AGAINST HAVING
A SENSE OF HUMOR.
NOW TURN AROUND,
PUT YOUR HANDS ON THE ROOF
OF THE CAR, PLEASE, SIR.
THERE YOU GO, SIR.
SPREAD 'EM.
OH, COME ON, NOW.
"SPREAD 'EM"?
OW!
YEAH, THAT'S NICE.
THE LOWER BACK,
PLEASE.
CHECK THE PROSTATE.
THAT'S NICE.
OH! ALL RIGHT,
THANK YOU.
I GOT AN ITCH
RIGHT UP IN THERE.
THAT'S GOOD.
THANK YOU.
NOT TODAY, SIR.
TURN AROUND.
MAY I SEE YOUR LICENSE,
REGISTRATION,
AND INSURANCE, PLEASE?
WHAT'S THE CHARGE?
YOU WERE SPEEDING,
BUT THAT'S NOT WHY
I BEGAN TO FOLLOW YOU.
BACK THERE IN THE VILLAGE,
YOU FAILED TO MAKE A FULL STOP
AT THE INTERSECTION.
OH, REALLY?
OH, I DIDN' EVEN NOTICE.
WELL, THAT'S THE INITIAL
REASON WHY I FOLLOWED YOU
AND WHY YOU'RE
UNDER ARREST NOW.
THE SPEEDING
AND RECKLESS EVASION
WILL BE OVERLOOKED
IF YOU COOPERATE NOW
AND QUIETLY GET IN YOUR CAR
AND FOLLOW ME.
CLEAR?
SIR, WAIT A MINUTE.
THIS MAY BE...
VALKENVANIA,
BUT IT IS
STILL AMERICA,
AND WE HAVE
AN APPOINTMEN IN ATLANTIC CITY,
SO WE'D JUST LIKE
TO GET GOING.
WILL YOU JUS WRITE A TICKET HERE,
OR WE
COULD SETTLE I SOME OTHER WAY,
PERHAPS?
STEP BACK, PLEASE.
I UNDERSTAND, SIR,
BUT THAT'S NOT THE WAY
THINGS WORK AROUND HERE.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
FOLLOW ME A WAYS TO THE REEVE,
THEN IT'S UP TO HIM
HOW WE PROCEED.
REEVE?
THE LOCAL JUSTICE
OF THE PEACE.
NOW, I'M PLANNING NOT TO
MENTION THE SPEEDING TO HIM,
SO I SUGGEST YOU COME
QUIETLY AND IMMEDIATELY,
UNLESS YOU WAN MORE TROUBLE
THAN YOU'RE
ALREADY GARGLING.
WHAT'S THAT BEEPING?
IT MEANS WE'RE OFF THE MAP
ON THIS CARTRIDGE.
WHAT TIME DOES SUNTZ
START THE HYPE?
6:00. IT'S 3:30 NOW.
WE CAN STILL MAKE IT IF YOU
JUST LET ME DO THE TALKING.
LOOK AT THIS
METAL SCULPTURE.
THEY MUST BE
INTO FOLK ART.
FOLK 'EM.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
WHAT IS THAT, MUSIC?
THEY'RE
PIPING IN MUSIC.
"ENJOY YOUR STAY."
WHAT IS THIS PLACE?
MY GOD.
SO THAT'S WHERE
THEY BURIED FLIPPER.
Renalda and Fausto:
FLIPPER'S DEAD?
"VILLAGE J.P."
"SHIRE REEVE."
IT'S LIKE ROBIN HOOD--
"BE POLITE."
HMM.
OH...
AND NO CUSSING.
SHIT.
WOW.
LOOK AT ALL
THESE TOASTERS.
Fausto: THERE IS A NEGATIVITY
ABOUT THIS PLACE.
"VALKENHEISER SALVAGE.
TRESPASSERS
WILL BE SHOT."
OH, COME ON.
Fausto: THERE'S
A FUNKY KARMA HERE, MAN.
Diane: IS THIS A JOKE?
Renalda:
IY, IY, IY, I HOPE SO,
BECAUSE I DON'T THINK
I LIKE IT HERE AT ALL.
Chris: WHERE
THE HELL ARE WE?
LISTEN, DO WE HAVE
TO GET OUT HERE?
"VALKENVANIA COURTS
AND SCHOOLS, 1898."
Fausto: VALKENVANIA.
HI.
FILE IN.
REASSEMBLE.
LUCY, I'M HOME!
OH, YEAH.
IT'S OLD, IT'S OLD.
RIGHT THIS WAY,
FOLKS.
WAIT. I'M ENTITLED
TO ONE PHONE CALL.
SURELY. AND YOU'RE
MORE THAN WELCOME TO MAKE ONE
IF WE HAD A PHONE.
THERE'S ONE
IN MY CAR.
YOUR CAR'S
BEEN IMPOUNDED.
IMPOUNDED? ALREADY?
STEP UP
TO THE RAILING.
PLEASE.
MAY I HAVE YOUR IDs,
EVERYONE, PLEASE?
I ALREADY HAVE
YOURS, MR. THORNE.
THANK YOU,
THANK YOU.
THESE TRIALS
USUALLY LAS ONLY A COUPLE
OF MINUTES.
REVOLVING DISTRICT COUR FOR THE VILLAGE AND SHIRE
OF VALKENVANIA
IS NOW IN ORDER!
THE HONORABLE REEVE
ALVIN VALKENHEISER PRESIDES.
[MARCH PLAYS]
[GRUNTING]
OK, DENNIS, GIVE ME
THEIR LICENSES, ID,
TOLL TICKETS, REPORT CARDS,
NOTES FROM THE TEACHER.
HERE YOU GO, JUDGE.
TRAFFIC VIOLATION.
CONTRAVENTION
OF VILLAGE BYLAW 23--
FAILING IN THE EXECUTION
OF A FULL STOP
AT A PLACE SO MARKED.
I RECOMMEND FINE,
BOND, AND RELEASE.
WHAT ELSE YOU WANT TO DO
FOR 'EM, BAKE 'EM A PIE?
ALL RIGHT HERE...
WHO'S CHRISTOPHER
LAWRENCE THORNE?
THAT'S ME, YOUR HONOR.
THORNE
FINANCIAL PUBLISHING,
WATER STREET, NEW YORK.
OK.
BANKER?
NO, NO, NO.
BANKER, NO.
FINANCIAL PUBLISHING.
THORNE'S WEEKLY?
OK. BANKER.
OH, HERE.
WELL, LOOK AT THIS.
PASSPORTS.
I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW
THAT MY BROTHER FAUSTO
AND I
ENJOY DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
IN THIS COUNTRY.
OK, WELL, UH...
AND YOU ARE
THE FAUSTO AND RENALDA...
SQUI-RI-NI...
SQUIRINIZ...
SIZ--SIZ--SIZWI.
SIZWI?
FRIENDS OF THE BRIDE.
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
WE ALL WAN TO GET MARRIED.
NO, SIR. NO WEDDING.
MOVING VIOLATION--
FAILURE TO STOP.
LET'S JUST BE QUIE AND LET HIM DO
HIS LITTLE THING,
AND WE'LL BE
ON OUR WAY.
OH, I WILL LET YOU
BE ON YOUR WAY,
WHEN THE CAT'S EYES
WILL SPIN!
NOW, LISTEN!
OK.
WE'LL LISTEN.
HEY, HEY, HO, HO!
HA HA HA!
HULA, HULA, HULA,
THE BOOLA, BOOLA, BOOLA!
LOOK WHO'S GO THE FRONT SEATS
AT THE MEXICAN
HAT DANCE NOW.
JUST LIKE A BUNCH OF SPIDERS
IN A BIRTHDAY CAKE.
YOU MIGHT BE INTERESTED
TO KNOW
THAT YOU ARE NO UNDER THE JURISDICTION
OF JUST ANY OLD
FISHING LICENSE DISPENSER
AND STAMP-PAD JOCKEY!
WE'VE ALWAYS BEEN SE TO DEAL WITH THE OFFENDERS
ONCE AND FOR ALL
AT THEIR FIRST APPEARANCE,
QUICK AS SUMP GREASE
THROUGH A 10-YEAR-OLD GOOSE.
CONGRATULATIONS.
I'M GLAD TO KNOW
THINGS ARE RUNNING
SMOOTHLY FOR YOU.
PUT OUT THAT DOG ROCKET!
SIR, SORRY.
IN 1796, MY FOREFATHERS
ESTABLISHED THIS SEA AFTER THE TENETS
OF THE OLD SHIRE CHARTER.
SHIRE CHARTER?
EXCUSE ME, SIR,
THAT'S PRE-MAGNA CARTA.
I MEAN, SERFDOM
AND FIEFDOM STUFF.
VERY GOOD, YOUNG LADY.
YOU AND I OUGHT TO SPEND
A LITTLE MORE TIME TOGETHER.
WELL, I-I'D LIKE THAT.
WOULD YOU? WELL, THEN,
MORE ON HOW
THEY PACKED ME OFF
TO FARMERS'
MECHANICS' UNIVERSITY
IN GRACEFIELD, OHIO,
FOR MY ENGINEERING DEGREE...
AND HOW I FOUGHT THE GERMANS
IN WORLD WAR I LATER,
BUT FOR NOW--
LATER? WAIT! WHOA!
NO LATER.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT IS THIS SHIT?
SIR, NO CUSSING IN COURT!
WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR
THE STORY OF YOUR LIFE.
WE JUST WANT TO PAY
AND GET THE HELL OUT!
I'M SORRY, JUDGE.
WELL, LOOK AT HIM.
HE'S GOING ON AND ON!
THIS COURT HEREWITH
BINDS YOU OVER
FOR A FURTHER APPEARANCE
TO BE HELD AT 4:00
TOMORROW AFTERNOON.
WE SO DEEM FOR THE PUBLIC
AND COMMON GOOD
THAT YOU BE CONFINED
HEREIN, SO FOR NOW...
[ALL PROTESTING]
GOOD NIGHT, IRENE!
AAH!
AAH!
AY!
SHIT!
WHAT'S THE POIN IN THAT?
THEY'RE CLEAN.
NO DRUGS,
NO GUNS, NOTHING.
JUST ANOTHER BATCH
OF HOT-PISTOL,
LILY-WHITE
CITY CHICKENS
TO RUN THROUGH GRANDPA ALVIN'S
TRICK HOUSE.
WHEN I'M GONE,
YOU'LL BE REEVE.
YOU CAN RUN THINGS
ANY WAY YOU WANT.
TILL THEN,
JUST DO YOUR JOB.
SO HELP ME, I'LL CUT YOU
OUT OF THE WILL.
YOU WON'T GET SO MUCH
AS FLOSSIE THE NAG.
I ALWAYS DO MY JOB,
AND YOU KNOW IT.
AND I DON'T MIND
LETTING YOU KNOW
MY DUTIES END RIGH HERE AT THIS BENCH.
OH, FINE.
GO SUCK A BUG.
ARE YOU OK?
Renalda: WHAT ARE WE
GOING TO DO?
OH, FAUSTO.
WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!
HOW COULD YOU BE
SO INSENSITIVE?
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
YOU BETTER DO
SOMETHING ABOUT THIS.
YOU'RE PULLING
ON MY COAT. NOW, COOL IT!
I HAD US OUT OF HERE!
THEN YOU HAD TO GO
AND OPEN YOUR BIG MOUTH.
YOU HAD US OUT OF HERE?
WE WOULD'VE BEEN HERE
ANOTHER 2 HOURS
LISTENING TO THE HISTORY
OF THE VALKENBURGER FARM,
OR WHEREVER THE HELL WE ARE!
I KNEW I COULDN' DEPEND ON YOU.
LISTEN, I DON'T NEED THIS!
I WAS JUST TRYING TO DRIVE US
TO ATLANTIC CITY FOR YOU!
OH, IS THAT RIGHT?
YEAH!
YOU'RE NO LONGER
OUR FINANCIAL ADVISOR!
YOU'RE FIRED!
SHUT UP!
SHUT UP!
MIAMI, BABY,
HERE WE COME.
HERE, TAKE THIS.
HAVE THEY GOT A JACUZZI
IN THIS PLACE, HUH?
%% GET DOWN %%
%% TO THE PAVEMENT %%
%% GET DOWN %%
%% FUNKY AND MYSTERIOUS %%
%% SOME PEOPLE LIVE
IN LITTLE GROOVES %%
[SIREN]
WE GOT COMPANY.
WANT THIS?
NOT NOW.
OH, SHIT.
SHIT! PASS IT BACK.
GET RID OF THIS.
GIVE ME THAT.
HERE, TAKE THAT.
ARTY, DON'T GIVE
YOUR REAL LICENSE AGAIN.
DON'T WORRY.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
WHERE'S THE POT?
WOULD YOU SHUT UP?
PASS IT TO ME.
NO! IT'S UNDER
THE SEAT. SHUT UP.
[GIGGLING]
SHUT UP.
MY GOD.
GOOD EVENING.
DRIVER, STEP OU OF THE CAR, PLEASE.
GOOD EVENING, OFFICER.
[LAUGHING]
CHIEF.
DRIVER'S LICENSE,
REGISTRATION,
INSURANCE AND FITNESS
CERTIFICATE, PLEASE.
OK, ARTHUR...
HAVE YOU BEEN
DRINKING TONIGHT, SON?
I HAD A COUPLE.
SO WHAT? I'M FINE.
I'M AFRAID
YOU'LL HAVE TO BLOW.
BLOW YOU TO GE OUT OF A TICKET?
FORGET IT.
THAT'S NOT FUNNY.
I MEANT YOU'LL HAVE TO
USE A BREATHALYZER.
I'LL BLOW HIM.
MAYBE LATER...
NEXT CENTURY.
LET'S GO, SON.
OH, COME ON, OFFICER.
[BEEPING]
[BUZZ]
YOU BLEW DOUBLE DRUNK
WITHIN VILLAGE LIMITS.
YOU'RE GOING WITH ME.
SURE. WHATEVER
YOU SAY, OFFICER.
SAY GOOD NIGHT,
COPPER.
PLEASE, PLEASE, NO.
DON'T KILL ME.
CHIEFY, PAL,
I WAS ONLY KIDDING.
[MARCH PLAYS]
OK.
MY GOD!
WILL YOU LOOK
AT HIS FACE?
IS THAT NOSE
RUBBER?
HEY, I DON'T WANT YOU.
I WANT JUDGE WAPNER.
I HAVE TO PLEAD
THE FIFTH DIMENSION.
OK. OK.
WELL, LET'S SEE HERE.
WE GOT YOUR CRACK
AND ICE COCAINE HERE.
YOU GOT YOUR PILLS,
YOUR VIALS OF COKE,
SNORTERS, PIPES,
AND GRINDERS.
YOU GOT YOUR GUN HERE.
YOU GO YOUR SWITCHBLADE KNIVES.
SINCE YOU'RE ALL HAVING
A WHIRL OF A TIME
ON SOME SOME KIND
OF A HOPPED-UP DATE,
I BELIEVE WE CAN GET THIS
OVER RELATIVELY SIMPLY
AND HAVE YOU PEOPLE
ON YOUR WAY,
SO STEP FORWARD
TO THE BENCH, PLEASE.
HEY, SEE THAT?
THANKS FOR UNDERSTANDING,
JUDGE.
YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M SAYING?
YOU TAKE CARE OF THIS.
I'M GONNA GO OU FOR A SMOKE.
GO FOR A SMOKE?
DENNIS, THEY'VE
GOT GUNS, DRUGS.
ONE OF THEM
TRIED TO KILL YOU.
I'M STAYING TO WATCH.
I HEREBY FIND
ALL PARTIES CULPABLE
IN THESE MATTERS AS CHARGED,
AND SO CHOOSE TO INVEIGH
THE MAXIMUM LEVY
FOR THESE VIOLATIONS,
AND DO THEREFORE DEEM
THAT YOU BE CONVEYED
TO A WHOLLY AWFUL PLACE
OF EXECUTION
WHEREIN YOU SHALL
BE PUT TO DEATH.
OH!
OH!
AAH!
AAH!
[SQUEAKING]
QUE ES ESO?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
HEH HEH!
YEAH.
[WHRRR]
WHAT'S GOING
ON HERE, HUH?
I'LL GIVE YOU ALL YOUR COKE,
YOUR GRINDERS, YOUR SPOONS,
AND POT AND GUNS
AND KNIVES BACK TO YOU
WHEN YOU COME OU THE OTHER END.
%% GOIN' DOWN %%
%% BONESTRIPPER %%
%% YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO %%
%% YOU'RE IN A MESS,
YOU'RE GOIN' DOWN %%
%% BONESTRIPPER %%
HEE HEE HEH HA HO HO!
LOOK, I'M SURE THESE
ARE REASONABLE PEOPLE.
THEY'LL HAVE TO ENTERTAIN
SOME KIND OF AN OFFER.
[KEYS JANGLE]
THEY'RE COMING.
OK, FOLKS.
GIT UP HERE
FOR SUPPER.
SEE? THEY'RE
REASONABLE PEOPLE--
SUPPER.
SUPPER.
LITTLE WHITE WINE,
ARUGALA SALAD,
MAYBE SOME PASTA.
[BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYS]
[MATADOR MUSIC PLAYS]
WELCOME TO SUPPER.
HOW ABOUT A NICE
HAWAIIAN PUNCH?
THANK YOU, JUDGE.
YOU KNOW,
THERE'S NOTHING BETTER
AT THE END OF A LONG DAY
ON THE ROAD
THAN NICE WARM GLASS
OF HAWAIIAN PUNCH.
HERE'S TO GOOD FRIENDS.
DOES HE TREA ALL TRAFFIC VIOLATORS
THIS GRACIOUSLY?
ONLY THE ONES HE TAKES
SPECIAL INTEREST IN,
LIKE BANKERS.
ANTS ON A LOG, MA'AM?
UH...
MM-HMM.
YEAH, I'D...
LOVE ONE.
COUSIN?
OH, ANTS.
OH, YEAH, SURE.
[HEAVY FOOTSTEPS]
OH.
FOLKS.
I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE
MY GRANDDAUGHTER ELDONA,
SHE'S SINGLE
AND THE BEST CLASS "A"
MECHANIC IN 5 STATES.
SHE'S ADORABLE, JUDGE.
SHE'D MAKE
AN IDEAL WIFE, TOO.
GENUINE WAGE-EARNER,
STRUCK DUMB AT BIRTH
BY A THUNDERCLAP.
MY KIND OF WOMAN.
I THINK THE TWO OF YOU
WOULD MAKE A PERFECT COUPLE.
HMM.
YOU LOOK PRETTY
THIS EVENING, SISTER.
DOING SOMETHING DIFFEREN WITH YOUR HAIR?
[GIGGLES SHYLY]
ELDONA, WOULD YOU
PLEASE PREPARE THE MEAL?
THANK YOU, DEAR.
HMM.
WANT TO SEE
THE WINE LIST?
YOUNG MAN!
IT IS BASIC
HUMAN POLITENESS
TO SHARE YOUR CONVERSATION
WITH THE WHOLE TABLE.
SO WHAT'S ON YOUR BRAIN?
ALVIN,
I WAS JUST THINKING
YOU'VE GOT ENOUGH
VINTAGE STEEL
TO MAKE A FEW
THOUSAND TOYOTAS.
EVER THINK OF SELLING
THE WHOLE PLACE
TO THE JAPANESE?
THERE YOU GO!
DOES THE POPE WEAR A HAT?
WAS SERGEANT YORK'S MOTHER
AN ANGEL?
AND WILL A BANKER
GROPE FOR MONEY?
I'M NOT A BANKER. I'M
A FINANCIAL PUBLISHER.
ALL I KNOW IS IN '17
AFTER THEY SHIPPED ME
OFF TO FIGHT,
SOME NEW YORK FINANCIER
ROLLED IN HERE ONE DAY
AND HOGLOWDERED AND
TUBWANGLED MY GRANDFATHER
INTO MINING
THE WHOLE PLACE OU IN EXCHANGE FOR SHARES
IN SOMETHING CALLED
THE UNITED COKE COMPANY.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THOSE
STOCK CERTIFICATES
ARE WORTH TODAY?
JUST ABOUT THE FINES OUTHOUSE WALLPAPER
YOU'VE EVER SEEN!
WE WERE FORCED TO BECOME
WHAT YOU
DROVE THROUGH TODAY,
A BURNT-OUT COAL FIELD,
THE BIGGES ICEBOX GRAVEYARD
EAST OF THE OHIO
FOUNDRY BELT.
AND THAT'S WHY I NEVER
LET A BANKER GO.
SO YOUR GRANDPA
MADE A LOUSY DEAL.
IS THAT OUR PROBLEM?
JUDGE, THAT'S A VERY
TRAGIC, TRAGIC STORY.
I BELIEVE IT IS.
YOU SHOULD
DO A BOOK.
HOW DO YOU LIKE
YOUR DOG, FOLKS?
THEY'RE SERVING DOG?
OH, NO, NO.
HOT DOGS--
DUTCH COUNTRY HEREFORDS,
PRIZE-WINNERS.
HOT DOG.
STADIUM FRANKS,
LIKE THEY HAD
BEFORE THEY BROUGHT IN
NIGHT GAMES.
HMM?
OK. LET'S EAT.
[WOO WOO]
[WABASH CANNONBALL PLAYS]
%% FROM THE GREA ATLANTIC OCEAN %%
%% TO THE WHITE
PACIFIC SHORES %%
%% FROM THE BIG 'OL
TOY MOUNTAIN %%
%% TO THE COW TOWNS
ON THE SHORES-- %%
HERE'S HOW I LIKE 'EM,
AND I SUGGEST YOU HAVE 'EM
THE SAME WAY.
GO AHEAD, THERE, FOLKS.
FIX YOURSELF UP
A COUPLE OF DOGS.
%% LISTEN TO THE JINGLES %%
%% THE RUMBLES,
AND THE ROARS %%
%% AS YOU GLIDE ALONG
WITH THE OLD BANJO %%
%% HEAR THE MIGHTY RUSH
OF THE ENGINES %%
%% HEAR THE LONESOME
HOBO'S SONG %%
%% AS IT RAMBLES
ACROSS THE COUNTRY %%
%% ON THAT WABASH
CANNONBALL %%
%% GET ABOARD... %%
[MUSIC STOPS]
[EXPLOSION]
[CREAKING]
WHA...
WHAT WAS THAT?
JUST A MINE FIRE...
BURNIN' SINCE 1926.
NOTHING THAT WILL CAUSE US
TO INTERRUPT OUR MEAL.
HE HOPES.
COME ON NOW!
MIX UP THEM CONDIMENTS
THE WAY I DO!
%% LISTEN TO THE JINGLES %%
%% THE RUMBLES,
AND THE ROARS %%
%% AS YOU GLIDE ALONG
WITH THE OLD BANJO %%
%% HEAR THE MIGHTY RUSH
OF THE ENGINES-- %%
THAT'S ENOUGH.
I'M GOING TO FLIP OUT.
GET ME BEHIND ME, BABY.
YOU PEOPLE ARE
SICK, WICKED,
FUNKY, MISANTHROPIC,
CODEPENDENT ANIMALS!
I WON'T HAVE MY SISTER,
WHO WAS ONCE THE QUEEN
OF THE MARDI GRAS,
SITTING AT A TABLE
WITH A PICKLE-SHOOTING
TRAIN!
HE'S RIGHT.
WE GOT TO GO.
AY!
FINE.
COME ON, BABY.
PRISCILLA, PUT THAT UP.
USE THE DOGS.
RUN!
RUN!
[GRUNTS]
TAKE YOUR HAND
OFF HER!
OH!
THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.
ELDONA, IF YOU WOULD
PLEASE SHOW THEM
TO THEIR ROOM.
OW!
EASY.
WHERE DO YOU
WORK OUT?
UGH!
THOSE PEOPLE
HAVE NO DIGNITY!
FAUSTO,
YOU WERE A HERO!
OH, FAUSTO, AND THEY
HAD SUCH UGLY, UGLY FOOD!
OH, FAUSTO,
WHAT IS THAT SMELL?
IT SMELLS
LIKE SAO PAULO.
TOXICS!
TOXICS!
WE'VE GOT TO SWIM
THROUGH THAT.
OH, NO! FAUSTO, YOU'RE
NOT GOING TO MAKE ME
SWIM THROUGH TOXICS.
I CANNOT BELIEVE IT!
WE'VE GOT TO GE TO THE FREEWAY!
WE'VE GOT TO GE TO THE FREEWAY.
I DON'T DESERVE THIS.
CLOSE YOUR MOUTH.
OK.
OH, LET ME GO!
AAH!
AAH!
[GAGGING]
[GASPING]
FAUSTO!
COME ON.
COME ON.
[ALARM BLARING]
[WOOF]
[WOOF]
[WOOF]
YOU HAVEN'T GO THE CORRECT TIME, HAVE YOU?
MY WATCH IS SLOW.
OOH!
HMM!
LET ME SEE IF I CAN
GET A FIRE STARTED.
FAUSTO, WE DID IT.
WE DID IT!
WE DID IT, MAN!
WE DID IT!
CARLO ROSSI
TO THE BAHAMAS, MAN.
WE'RE GOING
TO THE BAHAMAS!
HAVING A NICE TIME.
iAY! LET'S FIND A ROAD.
WE HITCHHIKE TO A TRUCK.
OK, WE HITCHHIKE.
THAT IS COMPLETELY...
CONGRATULATIONS, FOLKS.
YOU MADE I ACROSS OUR GULLY.
YOU SHOULD
GET A PRIZE.
PLEASE, LET US GO.
LET OUR FRIENDS GO.
WE'RE RICH.
WE'LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING.
SOLVENT.
LIQUID.
RICH.
WHAT AM I GONNA
DO WITH MONEY?
ALL I DO IS WORK
FOR THE REEVE SINCE I WAS 8.
I GOT FREE
ROOM AND BOARD.
ONLY YOU HAVE
THE POWER TO HELP US.
[WHIMPERS]
DUDE, IT LOOKS
LIKE YOU NEED
A NICE COUPLE OF
WEEKS HOLIDAY,
YOU KNOW?
NICE.
TIME OFF
FROM YOUR JOB.
YOU PEELED
THE CORRECT BANANA THERE.
LEISURE TIME.
KICK BACK.
NICE.
FISH TACOS.
[WOOF WOOF]
QUICK, HIDE.
COME ON.
IT'S MY COUSIN,
THE ORIGINAL
ALL-PURPOSE DITCH-WITCH.
HIDE. GET DOWN.
ALL THIS IS
ABOUT SOME HUSTLER
WHO DUMPED ON YOU,
RIGHT?
ISN'T IT?
WELL, WHAT ABOUT SUNTZ?
REALLY.
WHAT WERE YOU PLANNING
ON DOING
WHEN YOU GOT DOWN
TO ATLANTIC CITY
AND CONFRONTED HIM?
SLAP HIS FACE IN FRON OF A ROOMFUL OF INVESTORS?
THAT'S A HELL OF A WAY
TO BREAK UP WITH A GUY.
SO YOU PICKED
THE WRONG GUY.
HAPPENS TO
THE BEST OF US.
I'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS.
YOU KNOW, WHEN
IT COMES TO LOVE,
THERE'S NO ACCOUNTING
FOR TASTE.
HELL, I USED
TO BE MARRIED
TO IMELDA MARCOS.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO PU YOURSELF THROUGH THIS.
A GUY LIKE THAT'S GONNA
BURY HIMSELF ANYWAY.
HE DOESN'T DESERVE YOU.
YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR HIM.
I'M JUST SUCH A JERK.
I MEAN, WHY DO I ALWAYS
PICK THE WRONG GUY?
I MEAN, I'M...
I'M SO TRUSTING...
AND SO GULLIBLE.
I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW
WHY I'M SUCH A PUSHOVER.
I MEAN, I'M SUCH A SUCKER.
MMM.
MMM.
I JUST LOVE
A PRETTY FACE.
OH.
OH, IT'S SO...
OH, IT'S SO
EMBARRASSING.
OH!
OOH!
I BETTER LIE DOWN.
OH, YOU'RE
NOTHING BUT TROUBLE.
OOH!
[TICKING]
[CHIMING]
[CUCKOO CUCKOO]
[CLOCK CHIMES]
[BUGLE CALL PLAYS]
WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU DOING?
THAT WASN'T ME.
THAT WAS THE BED.
[LOCK CLICKS]
[SQUEAKING]
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
[DOOR BANGS]
OH.
UP HERE.
COME ON.
[DOOR SQUEAKS]
IN THIS ROOM!
THIS WAY.
THERE'S GO TO BE A WAY OUT.
OVER HERE.
[CRYING]
MUST BE THE NURSERY.
BAT ROOM.
OH, GUANO.
"MARJORIE VALKENHEISER.
SHE FORGOT TO DUCK."
JESUS, IT'S MOVING!
OH! AAH!
OH, OH!
NO! OH, NO!
NO!
OH, NO! NO!
AAH!
OH, JESUS.
WE GOT TO
GET OUT OF HERE.
HOW FAR
DOES THIS GO?
ALL THE WAY UP--
OOH!
TO HERE.
ARE YOU
ALL RIGHT?
IT'S A BLIND
STAIRCASE.
MAYBE I CAN--OH.
WAIT.
GOT IT. GO ON.
JESUS. LOOK OUT.
YOU ALL RIGHT?
AHH.
I DON'T KNOW
HOW MUCH MORE OF THIS CRAP
I CAN TAKE.
WE'RE TRAPPED.
WOW. LOOK A ALL THESE IDs.
WHAT IS THIS?
THERE MUST BE
THOUSANDS OF THEM.
PASSPORTS
AND AUTO CLUB CARDS.
WOW. A LICENSE.
"VIRGINIA HORSE AND
TRAPPINGS, 1896"?
"STATEWIDE SEARCH
FOR OUTLAW BIKER
GANG UNDERWAY."
"BUSLOAD OF
HARE KRISHNAS...
DISAPPEARS."
"EX-NAZI ROCKE SCIENTIST VANISHES."
'49.
ALL THESE IDs
MATCH THE NEWS CLIPPINGS.
LOOK AT THIS.
"JIMMY HOFFA
STILL MISSING"?
HERE'S HIS ID.
ARE YOU KIDDING?
OH, WOW.
I THINK THEY'VE BEEN
DOING THIS AROUND HERE
SINCE THE 1890s.
I DON'T SEE ANY REASON
WHY THEY'LL STOP AT US.
I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS.
THEY'RE ALL
CRIMINALS AND CREEPS.
BANKERS.
EXACTLY.
NAH.
AAH!
WHAT HAPPENED?
AAH!
AAH!
AAH!
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]
OH.
I WISH WE WERE
ON THAT TRAIN.
ME, TOO.
GOOD LUCK, SLICK.
LOOK AT THIS.
IT'S A SLIDE.
YEAH, BUT THIS
IS NO PLAYGROUND.
COULD BE A BED
OF SPIKES DOWN THERE.
LET'S GO.
GO. YOU GO.
TAKE IT SLOW.
AAH!
AH, SHIT! OHHH!
DIANE!
OHHH!
UH-OH. DIANE.
AAH!
WHERE? WHY? WHAT?
WHAT? WHEN?
OH, NO!
CHRIS.
CHRIS.
COME ON.
CHRIS!
YOU GET DOWN HERE
RIGHT NOW!
COME ON.
%% OH %%
%% HOWDY-DO %%
YEAH. HECK, I ALWAYS
WAS A GOOD-LOOKING FELLA.
[HUMMING]
[FARTS]
THE BEEMER.
[GASP]
UH-OH.
COME ON.
FANTASTIC.
Recorded message:
THIS IS CELL-NET ONE.
THE SYSTEM
TO WHICH YOU SUBSCRIBE
HAS NO AGREEMEN WITH OUR SERVICE--
GEE, WE HAVE
TO FINISH THIS WORK
FOR GRANDPA ALVIN, OK?
WE'RE ALWAYS
WORKING FOR HIM.
HE TREATS US
LIKE WE'RE HIS DOGS,
NOT HIS GRANDSONS.
WE GO NO HUMAN RIGHTS.
HE'S JUST MAD THA WE BOTH GOT SO FA WE COULDN' FINISH HIGH SCHOOL.
YOU'RE THE FAT ONE
BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS EA TOO MUCH CEREAL.
YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO'S FAT.
NOT AS FAT AS YOU.
YOU'RE THE FAT ONE.
JUST GET THE HAMMER.
I GOT IT.
CAN'T YOU
HOLD THAT STRAIGHT?
HEY. YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO'S FORGING.
CAN'T YOU EVEN SEE?
I CAN SEE
YOU'RE STUPID.
OH, THAT'S IT.
I AM NEVER
WORKING FOR YOU
IN THIS
FOUNDRY AGAIN.
NEVER!
GIVE ME THAT. GO GE A BALL-PEEN HAMMER.
NO!
THE ONE'S THAT ROUND
ON THE END.
I KNOW THE BALL-PEEN
HAMMER'S ROUND.
HE THINKS
I'M HIS CHILD.
OH!
OOH! TRESPASSER!
GET HER!
GET HER!
OOH!
STOP, TRESPASSER!
STOP!
AAH!
AAH!
HI.
ELDONA'S
GOT HER.
THAT'S GOOD.
YES.
ELDONA'S GOT HER.
THAT'S NOT GOOD.
NO. THAT'S NO GOOD.
AAH!
STOP! WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?
NO, ELDONA. NO.
OH! NO! NO! NO!
WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?
NO, NO.
DON'T THROW HER IN THE
MINEFIRE VENT, PLEASE.
WE JUST WAN TO PLAY WITH HER.
OH, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
I KNOW. I KNOW.
WE WON'T LOSE HER.
HI.
I'M BOBO.
THAT'S L'LL DEBBULL.
HI. WE'RE NOT ALLOWED
IN THE HOUSE.
AHH.
OH. OH.
IS SHE OK?
[SNORING]
[CRACKLING]
JUDGE VALKENHEISER.
JUDGE!
WAAAAA!
I GOT SOME SPEEDERS.
I'M BRINGING THEM IN.
I'LL MEET YOU
IN THE COURTROOM.
KEEP ALL YOUR FAT PARTS
IN ONE PLACE.
I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN.
%% OH, BABY,
YOU HIT ME LIKE THUNDER %%
%% GET OVER, GET ONTO,
GET INTO %%
%% TO LOVE IT WAS
ALWAYS A SIN TO %%
%% GET UP OR GET OVER,
GET UNDER %%
%% OH, BABY,
YOU HIT ME LIKE THUNDER %%
%% GET OVER, GET ONTO,
GET INTO... %%
THAT'S IT, FELLAS.
RIGHT UP THE STAIRS.
HERE WE ARE,
GENTLEMEN.
COME ALONG.
JOIN THE PARTY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
COME ON. EVERYBODY.
MAN, WOULD YOU LOOK
AT THIS PLACE?
IT'S LIKE
EXTREMELY DRACULATED.
WHITE MAN'S HEAVEN.
ONE AT A TIME.
HERE WE ARE.
WE'RE HOME. LET'S GO. 1, 2.
LICKETY-SPLIT.
SHE IS ONE UGLY,
CROSS-BURNING,
REDNECK, PECKERWOOD
POLICE BITCH, MAN.
ALL RIGHT, MOVE.
A GOOD MAN'S WORK
IS NEVER DONE.
OH, I SAT AROUND
ALL DAY
LISTENING TO
ALL THOSE STORIES
WHEN I WAN TO RELAX AND JUST...
"VILLAGE REEVE HUR IN FOUNDRY BLAST."
SO THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE POOR,
OLD, UGLY PUSBAG.
I THOUGHT I TOOK CARE
OF MY VERMIN PROBLEM
LAST YEAR.
I'M GLAD
I FORGOT MY PISTOL.
BAD CALL, CORN FLAKE.
I LEFT THAT LEG
IN FRANCE.
AND NOW...
I'M GONNA STICK YOU.
I'M GONNA DIG
SO MANY NEW HOLES IN YOU,
YOU'RE GONNA LOOK
LIKE A SALT SHAKER.
GET YOUR ITALIAN LOAFERS
OUT OF MY BEDPAN.
OOH!
I'M GOING TO
MAKE YOU CRY NOW, BOY.
CHEW ON THIS,
YOU STINKING RELIC.
MY SKUNK!
[CRACK]
YOU ARE WORSE THAN A WEEK
OF YELLOW SHIT STORMS.
FIRST I FIND YOU ROOTING AROUND
IN MY PRIVATE THINGS.
NOW YOU'RE
MAKING ADVANCES
AGAINS MY LITTLE GRANDDAUGHTER.
I WAS JUST TRYING
TO GET AWAY FROM YOU.
I RAN INTO HER, OK?
WELL, SHE'S GO YOUR TAINT ON HER NOW.
TAINT.
NO CHOICE
BUT HOUSE POLICY.
FINE. HOUSE POLICY.
WHAT'S HOUSE POLICY?
WHATEVER MAN TOUCHES HER
IS THE ONE SHE KEEPS.
WHAT? WHAT ARE
YOU TALKING--
OH, NO. WAIT A MINUTE.
OH, NO. WAIT A MINUTE.
I JUST WENT THROUGH
A GODDAMN STOP SIGN.
I JUST WANT TO GE TO ATLANTIC CITY.
PLEASE, JUDGE.
SHE'LL KNOW
WHAT TO DO WITH HIM.
[MARCH PLAYS]
WHAT THE HELL
IS THAT?
OK. WHAT'S GOING ON?
BOY!
12:30, ISN'T IT?
KIND OF LATE.
I WAS DREAMING I WAS BACK
IN FRANCE ON FURLOUGH.
STEP FORWARD, CONSTABLE.
WHAT ARE THE CHARGES HERE?
SPEEDING.
75 IN A 50.
IN A HEARSE.
WELL, IF I WAS AN AMBULANCE,
YOU GOT A CHANCE.
IF IT'S IN A HEARSE,
GOT TO BE WORSE.
OK. WELL, THIS
IS A UNION CARD, HUH?
WHAT ARE YOU,
MINE WORKERS?
AW, MAN.
NO, MAN.
WE'RE MUSICIANS.
WE'RE A HIP-HOP BAND.
YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M SAYING?
HIP-HOP? MUSICIANS?
SO YOUSE ALL
MUSICIANS, HUH?
YEAH. DEEJAYS.
CONSTABLE,
YOU SEARCH THE VEHICLE?
YES, SIR. I DID.
IT CONTAINS
MUSICAL ITEMS.
WELL, I, UH...
WELL...I'D
BETTER SEE THEM.
BRING THEM ALL IN,
SET THEM UP.
LET ME SEE THEM.
ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO.
%% BIG GIRLS %%
%% DON'T CRY %%
%% BIG GIRLS %%
%% DON'T CRY %%
%% BIG GIRLS %%
%% DON'T CRY-Y-Y %%
%% THEY DON'T CRY %%
%% BIG GIRLS %%
%% DON'T CRY %%
%% WHO SAID %%
%% THEY DON'T CRY %%
%% MY GIRL %%
%% SAID GOOD-BYE-Y-Y %%
%% MY, OH, MY... %%
ELDONA, YOU KNOW HE'S
NOT SUPPOSED TO SEE YOU
ON THIS SPECIAL DAY.
SPECIAL DAY?
WHAT IS IT,
HALLOWEEN?
RIGHT THIS WAY,
MR. SNAPPY COMEBACK.
MM-HMM.
AFTER THIS,
YOU CAN SEE US
DO OUR TAG-TEAM
WRESTLING SHOW.
OK? 3.
OK.
LET'S GO.
I GOT THAT!
I GOT THAT!
I WIN. MY DEAL.
BOBO WINS BECAUSE
BOBO'S HAND WAS ON TOP.
YEAH. MY HAND'S ON TOP.
I WIN. MY DEAL.
NO, I WON. MY DEAL.
MY HAND'S ON TOP.
MY DEAL. I WIN.
THAT'S RIGHT. BOBO WINS.
BOBO'S HAND WAS ON TOP.
MY HAND WAS ON TOP.
I WIN. I DEAL.
OK.
OK.
IF I WIN AGAIN,
I GET...
ANOTHER BOWL
OF CEREAL.
AND IF I WIN,
I GET DIANE.
NO, LLL DEBBULL.
MY DEAL.
OK, BOBO. DEAL 'EM.
DROP THE BEAT, J.
%% BEEN ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% BEEN ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% SAME SONG %%
%% A-ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% SAME SONG %%
%% I CAME FOR THE PARTY %%
%% TO GET NAUGHTY,
GET MY ROCKS ON %%
%% EAT POPCORN %%
%% WATCH YOU
MOVE YOUR BODY %%
%% TO THE POP SONG THA I'M SINGIN', DING-A-LINGIN' %%
%% FUNKY BEAT'S RINGIN' %%
%% EVERYBODY SWINGIN'
IN THE PLACE %%
%% AS I KICK
THE J-A-Z-Z-Y STYLE %%
%% R & B MIXIN' IT WITH THE
HIP-HOP SWING BEAT CHAMPAGNE %%
%% IN MY HAND,
IT WON'T BE LONG %%
%% TILL I'M GONE %%
%% IT'S JUS THE SAME OLD SONG %%
%% IT'S JUS A FREE STYLE %%
%% MEANWHILE WE'LL KEEP
THE BEAT KICKIN' %%
%% SWEAT DRIPPIN' %%
%% GIRLIES IN THE LIMO
EATIN' CHICKEN %%
%% OOPS, DON'T GET THE GREASE
ON YOUR PANTY HOSE %%
%% I LOVE YOU, ROVER, MOVE OVER,
I GOTTA BLOW MY NOSE %%
%% SNEEZIN', BUT STILL
I'M PLEASIN' ALL THE SLIMMIES %%
%% PULL OUT MY JIMMY %%
%% TIME TO GET BUSY
WITH A JENNY %%
%% IF IT'S GOOD AND PLENTY,
DON'T YOU KNOW? %%
%% THERE I GO, THERE I GO,
THERE I GO %%
%% BUT I DON'T GO NOWHERE
WITHOUT MY GYM HAT %%
%% WHEN I'M RAPPIN' AS IF SHE'S
CLAPPIN', THEN I'M STRAPPIN' %%
%% 'CAUSE I'M SMARTER
THAN THAT %%
%% AND THEN, GIRLIE,
MAYBE WE CAN GET ALONG %%
%% CUTIE AFTER CUTIE %%
%% IT'S JUS THE SAME OLD SONG %%
%% ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% SAME SONG %%
%% AHH %%
%% ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% SAME SONG %%
%% ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% SAME SONG %%
%% ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% SAME SONG %%
%% ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% SAME SONG %%
%% ALL--ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% SAME SONG %%
%% ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% SAME SONG %%
YES.
YEP.
YOU SURE ARE A GAGGLE
OF MUSICIANS, SURE ENOUGH.
AND NOW...
THE DISPOSITION
OF YOUR CASE.
UH, GATHER IN
A LITTLE CLOSER, THERE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
RIGHT THERE. YEAH.
IN LIGHT OF
YOUR CONTRIBUTION
TO THE COMMON GOOD,
I HEREBY WAVE ALL FINES,
SUSPEND ALL SENTENCES.
YOU'RE FREE TO GO.
HEY. HOLD THE HARVEST.
THERE IS ANOTHER MATTER
BEFORE THE SHIRE COUR THIS EVENING.
AND, UH...
WELL, YOUSE ALL
MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP.
WHERE'S DIANE?
OH, SHE WENT HOME.
I GOT SOMETHING
BETTER FOR YOU.
FIRST YOU OUGHTA
KNOW SOMETHING.
IN MANY CASES HERE,
I DO OFTEN CHOOSE
TO INVEIGH
THE MAXIMUM LEVY.
FREQUENTLY, UNDESIRABLES
ARE PUT TO DEATH.
I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT.
COME ON. BUT DEATH
FOR RUNNING A STOP SIGN?
AND FOR BEING
A BANKER.
THAT'S
THE DOUBLE DEATH.
HOWEVER,
I'D BE WILLING
TO CAST ASIDE
ALL FINDINGS,
BE BLIND TO
YOUR BANKER'S BLOOD,
LET YOU LIVE OU YOUR DAYS HERE
AS HUSBAND
TO MY GRANDDAUGHTER,
FATHER TO HER CHILD,
AND HEIR TO MY SEAT.
WHA-WHAT ARE
YOU SAYING?
IT'S DEATH OR ELDONA?
OH, COME ON, LAD.
TAKE HER HAND.
WARM MY TIRED
OLD HEART.
I KNOW WOMEN.
SHE LOVES YOU.
EVER SINCE
SHE SAW YOU,
SHE'S BEEN
FLOATING AROUND
LIKE MILKWEED
IN A SPRING BREEZE.
UH-HUH.
MAKE HER HAPPY.
TAKE CARE
OF HER NEEDS,
AND YOU'LL INHERI A FORTUNE
ALI BABA
WOULD CRAVE.
LISTEN, JUDGE.
UH...
YOU KNOW, I'VE--I'VE SPEN SOME TIME ALONE WITH HER,
AND SHE'S
A SPECTACULAR WOMAN.
SHE'S QUIE BUT, UH, JUST SHY.
MUTE.
AH.
BUT, JUDGE, AS FAR AS
HER NEEDS ARE CONCERNED,
I COULD NEVER PRESUME
TO BE ABLE TO FILL THEM.
OH, YOU CAN SLIP ON
A PUD COLLAR.
NOW, LET ME GET YOU
OUT OF THESE CUFFS
AND CHAINS,
AND I'LL GET YOU
ALL MARRIED UP,
AND WE'LL WELCOME
YOU TO THIS FAMILY
WITH AN
ALL-NIGHT REEL.
NO CUFFS, HUH?
NO CUFFS.
PUD COLLAR.
WELL, I MUST SAY...
IT SOUNDS
AWFULLY TEMPTING.
HIT IT.
YO. DROP IT, J.
THAT'S IT.
YO.
WHAT IT BE?
WHAT IT BE?
%% WELL, TIE THE KNOT %%
%% TIE, TIE THE KNOT %%
IN HER OWN WAY,
SHE'S KIND OF
SPECIAL, ISN'T SHE?
YOU'LL NEVER
HAVE CAR TROUBLE.
[BAND HUMS
HERE COMES THE BRIDE]
%% DA DA DA DA DA %%
%% DA-DA %%
%% DA DA %%
AH, YEAH.
OK.
AHEM.
THE DISTRIC AND COMMONWEALTH,
HEREBY DULY RECOGNIZING
THE WILL AND WISH
OF A MAN AND WOMAN
TO ENTER THE HOLY
AND LIFE-BINDING
STATE OF MATRIMONY,
HEREWITH CONFIRM
THAT YOU,
ELDONA MARJORIE
VALKENHEISER,
DO TAKE TO HUSBAND
ONE...
CHRISTOPHER
LAWRENCE THORNE.
HMM.
MMM.
AND YOU...
CHRISTOPHER
LAWRENCE THORNE...
CONFIRM THAT YOU DO
TAKE TO WIFE...
ONE ELDONA MARJORIE
VALKENHEISER?
[MUMBLES]
PARDON?
WHAT?
[MUMBLES]
SPEAK UP!
I CAN--
I DO--I DO.
MMM.
THIS OFFICE SO RECOGNIZES
AND CERTIFIES THIS UNION
AND DECLARES THAT YOU ARE
NOW WEDDED MAN AND WIFE.
[POUNDS GAVEL]
YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE.
WELL, JUDGE, PLENTY
OF TIME FOR THA ON THE HONEYMOON.
YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE.
NO, NOT IN FRON OF ALL THESE PEOPLE,
YOUR HONOR.
NOW!
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE
BEFORE THE OLD MAN
CHANGES HIS MIND.
WAIT! WAIT!
HELP ME!
WE'RE OUT OF HERE.
HELP ME! THESE
ARE DANGEROUS PEOPLE.
NO!
IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
I WAS NERVOUS
AT MY WEDDING, TOO.
NO! PLEASE!
NEVER MIND HIM.
HE'S JUST GO THE WEDDING NIGHT JITTERS.
JUST GO OU THE WAY YOU CAME.
I'LL OPEN THE GATE
AND FLIP THE BRIDGE FOR YOU.
YOU BE COOL, MAN.
YEAH, WELL, BYE.
YOU WEAK-LIVERED PUFFBALL!
DAMN CITY-WORKING,
YUPPITY WELL WALLET!
LOOK HOW YOU
HURT MY GRANDDAUGHTER.
AW, YOU AIN' FAMILY MATERIAL ANYWAY.
NO, JUDGE!
AW, COME ON,
JUDGE!
NO, I WASN'T...
NO, JUDGE!
WHY? I...
JUDGE,
WHA--WHAT...
WAIT!
WHOA, NELLY!
AW, COME ON,
JUDGE!
OH, NO, AH!
SO LONG, CHARLIE!
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS NOW?
OH, NO, OH, NO!
OH, PLEASE, GOD!
GUARANTEED YOU'RE GOING
TO ENJOY THIS RIDE!
OH, GOD!
Judge: I'M OF THE SCHOOL
THAT BELIEVES
THE LAST 30 SECONDS
OF A PERSON'S LIFE
OUGHT TO HAVE
A LITTLE ZIP IN THEM.
JUDGE, LISTEN,
I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.
AAH!
%% GOIN' DOWN %%
%% BONESTRIPPER... %%
OH, PLEASE,
OH, PLEASE, GOD, NO!
JUDGE, I'M SORRY, PLEASE!
I--I--I LOVE ELDONA!
I LOVE YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER!
SHE'S BEAUTIFUL!
AAH!
OH, NO! MY--HEY!
PLEASE, GOD, HELP!
PLEASE, GOD, STOP!
PLEASE, GOD, OH, PLEASE!
GOD...
OH, PLEASE, DEAR LORD!
PLEASE...
PLEASE, GOD, I...
THANK YOU, LORD.
OH.
DAMN THING
BLEW A BELT.
TELL ELDONA
TO GO AND FIX IT.
EASY ON HER, GRANDPA.
SHE'S MIGHTY BROKE UP.
I'LL GET HIM.
DON'T LET HIM GET AWAY!
BRING THAT THERE LOAD
TO THE GRADERTINE.
DIANE?
DIANE?
%% I MEAN, I MEAN, I MEAN,
I MEAN I LOVE YOU %%
%% I DREAM, I DREAM,
I DREAM, I DREAM %%
%% HOW I LOVE YOU %%
%% OH, KISS, OH, KISS,
OH, KISSITY KISS %%
COME ON!
ELDONA!
MMM.
MMM.
OK.
AAH!
YOU GO ON,
GET OUT OF HERE!
GET OUT OF HERE,
YOU BIG SLUSHBAG!
GO ON BACK TO YOUR HOLE.
EXCUSE MY GRANDKIDS.
THEY'RE ALL SPOILED
PULP ROTTEN!
THAT'S RIGHT.
TOO MUCH, TOO EASY,
TOO SOON.
KIDS TODAY, I KNOW.
THANKS.
WANT A MINT CANDY?
OH, UH...
NO, NO.
MISSY...
I SURE DO HATE
TO CUT AND SHUFFLE
A FINE LITTLE MUFFE LIKE YOU.
ME, TOO.
BUT I WILL!
IF JOE POLO
DON'T SHOW.
NOW, HE HUR MY FAMILY.
OK.
CHILD, YOU'LL WALK FREE.
SCOT-FREE,
RIGHT OUT OF HERE.
YOU JUST GE ON THE TWO-WAY NOW
AND TELL MR. HIGH-CLASS
TO COME ON IN.
OK, I'LL TALK TO HIM
RIGHT NOW.
ALL RIGHT.
AAH!
YOU OK, JUDGE?
SEE?
SEE THAT?
NOW SOMEBODY'S
GOT TO PAY
FOR THE WAY
THEY SAPPED THIS GROUND.
YOU WAN YOUR PILLS?
I'M ALL RIGHT.
HEY, HOTWORM!
LISTEN!
WE GOT YOUR PRETTY LITTLE
GIRLFRIEND DOWN HERE
READY TO GO ON THE GRADERTINE
FOR A QUARTERING,
BUT BECAUSE
SHE'S A BRIGHT-EYED,
SMART-LOOKING TYPE,
I'M WILLING
TO MAKE A TRADE.
YOU LIE DOWN
IN HER PLACE,
SHE GOES FREE.
WE'LL ALL BE HAPPY,
INCLUDING YOU.
HERE, HERE, YOU TELL--
WHERE THE HELL'S
THAT DOG-FOOD-EATING GRANDSON
OF MINE ANYWAY?
DENNIS!
HERE, YOU TALK.
WHAT'S GOING ON
WITH HIM, ANYWAY?
WHAT, IS SOMEBODY NO GIVING HIM HIS NAPALM?
UH, CHRIS...
HI. UM...IT'S DIANE.
UM, LISTEN...
RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
SAVE YOURSELF!
TELL THE WORLD
ABOUT THIS PLACE!
JUST--AAH!
OH, BOY.
YOU REALLY PUT THE PIN
IN THE PARTY HOG NOW, GIRL.
YOU GOT 5 MINUTES
TO COME ON IN,
OR SHE GETS CU AND SHUFFLED.
MIND, NOW, NO GALLANTRY
AND NO SUICIDE STUNTS.
YOU JUST COME ON IN.
COME ON, NOW.
BE A REAL MAN.
SURPRISE YOURSELF.
SAVE THE WOMAN.
GIVE YOURSELF UP
FOR THE GIRL.
SHE'LL CRY OVER YOU
FOR WEEKS.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, BOY?
HEH HEH HEH!
AIN'T SHE WORTH IT?
ALL RIGHT,
YOU OLD LIVER SPOT.
SORRY ABOUT THIS, DIANE.
BUT WE HAVE TO TIE YOU DOWN
LIKE GRANDPA ALVIN SAYS.
I WISH IT WAS HIM
WE WERE TYING DOWN
INSTEAD OF YOU.
WE DON'T LIKE HIM,
BUT WE LOVE YOU.
THIS IS A CLASSIC CASE
OF A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY.
YOU SHOULD CONSIDER
SOME HELP, SOME THERAPY.
HE WON'T GO!
Judge: OK, COWBOY.
LAST CHANCE SALOON.
I'M GOING TO COUNT DOWN
FROM 10.
IF I DON'T HEAR
YOUR VOICE
BY THE TIME
I GET TO ONE,
I'M GOING TO CUT HER!
AAH! OH, DON'T!
ELDONA, GET THEM BLADES UP.
MMM.
ELDONA, HEY, LISTEN...
WHY DON'T WE GO TO NEW YORK?
I'LL TAKE YOU
TO ELIZABETH ARDEN.
10!
GET ME OUT OF HERE!
COME ON NOW, BANKER!
WHAT'S WRONG
WITH THIS LITTLE GIRL?
SHE A BAD KISSER
OR SOMETHING?
CHRIS, I REALLY DIDN' MEAN TO SAVE YOURSELF.
GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE
AND SAVE ME!
CHRIS, GET DOWN HERE!
YOU AIN'T GIVING ME
MUCH CHOICE, BOY.
PLEASE, CHRIS!
ALL RIGHT, BOY.
LAST CHANCE SALOON!
DON'T!
AAH!
DIANE!
HELP ME!
OH, GOD, HURRY,
GET MY HANDS.
HOLD ON!
OH, MY GOD!
GET MY HANDS!
WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?
OK, OH, GET ME OUT.
I KNEW YOU'D SAVE ME.
I THINK I DIRTIED
MY DIAPER.
GET ME THE HELL
OUT OF HERE, CHRIS!
HE'S FLY-DICKING
WITH ME!
ELDONA,
DROP THOSE BLADES!
GET HIM, GET HIM!
AAH!
OH, SHIT!
HEY!
WHO ARE
THE INFANT BODIES?
BOBO AND LLL DEBBULL.
THEY'RE NOT ALLOWED
IN THE HOUSE.
GET THAT SPOTLIGHT,
OK?
OK.
WHAT DO YOU PLAY
IN ATLANTIC CITY?
BLACKJACK? CRAPS?
GOT TO FIND THEM!
I DON'T THINK
THEY SAW US.
COME ON.
EXCUSE ME,
COMING THROUGH.
SORRY.
EXCUSE ME.
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]
AW, WE'LL NEVER
GET ACROSS THIS.
LET'S HEAD
TOWARDS THE TRAIN.
COME ON,
THROUGH THE WOODS.
SMELLS
LIKE SAO PAULO.
WHO'S THAT MAN
THAT WAS WITH HER?
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW, NEITHER,
BUT SHE GOT AWAY.
YOU'RE THE ONE
THAT WAS SUPPOSED
TO BE WATCHING HER.
YEAH, THAT'S THE MOS BEAUTIFUL GIRL
I'VE EVER SEEN.
BOBO, SHUT UP
AND DRIVE!
THERE THEY ARE!
ON THE HILL!
GET THEM BEFORE
THEY GET TO THE TOP.
STOP THEM!
TRAIN.
HEY!
HEY!
HEY!
STOP!
HEY, STOP!
HEY!
NOW!
COME ON!
I'M WITH YOU.
RIGHT!
COME ON, REACH!
YOU CAN DO IT!
I CAN'T MAKE IT.
TRUST ME.
COME ON, REACH OUT!
COME ON, THAT'S IT.
DAMN IT!
[RANTING]
WE GOT TO GE SOME HELP.
AS SOON
AS THE TRAIN STOPS,
WE'LL GET OFF
AND CALL THE POLICE.
YOU SAVED MY LIFE.
THANKS.
IT WAS WORTH IT.
BYE, DIANE!
DIANE...
BYE-BYE!
BYE, DIANE.
WE WENT AROUND IN
THAT SPINNING BED,
THE DOOR FLEW UP,
AND WE CAME--
GOT UP INTO THAT,
UH, A-ATTIC--
IN THE ATTIC--
WITH THE NEWSPAPERS
AND THE, UH...
ALL THOSE LICENSES,
AND THEN--
THAT'S PRETTY MUCH WHERE
WE FOUND ALL THE LICENSES
AND THE NEWSPAPER CLIPPINGS
WHICH MATCHED--
WE WERE SMOKING
A CIGAR, RELAXING--
THERE WAS NO WAY
TO KNOW--
WHAT WAS THAT?
AN ESCAPE HATCH
OR WHATEVER.
THIS DOOR OPENED,
AND WE WENT FLYING.
BOBO AND L'IL DEBBULL
SAVED ME.
AND WE CLIMBED
THE CLIFF
TILL WE GO ON THE TRAIN
RIGHT AFTER THE
FUEL DUMP EXPLOSION.
WE THINK MAYBE
THE BRAZILLIONAIRES
HAVE BEEN KILLED.
THAT'S--DEAD.
YOU FOLKS, OF COURSE,
WILL HAVE TO COME WITH US
FOR IDENTIFICATION
PURPOSES.
WAIT A MINUTE.
THIS MAN REMOVED
HIS NOSE AND UPPER TEETH
3 INCHES
IN FRONT OF MY FACE
AND STARTED CROONING
LIKE BING CROSBY.
I'D LIKE TO HELP OUT,
BUT I'M PRETTY SURE
I CAN PICK HIM OU IN A LINEUP,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
WE COULD DO IT.
WE?
THIS IS THE STATE
ATTORNEY GENERAL.
WE HAVE A WARRAN TO SEARCH THESE PREMISES.
WHY NOT JUS BLAST YOUR WAY IN?
FIRST WE HAVE TO SERVE
THE WARRANT.
I BET WE COULD GE THEM TO COME OUT.
US?
MISS LIGHTSON DOESN' HAVE A BAD IDEA THERE.
WELL...
I SUPPOSE
IT'S WORTH A TRY,
IF--IF YOU TWO
ARE UP TO IT.
IT'D BE
OUR PLEASURE.
WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT.
CAN'T WAI TO SEE HIS FACE
WHEN HE GETS A LOAD
OF THIS.
OK.
[RINGS BELL]
YES?
WELL,
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
WHO ARE YOU?
WHY ARE YOU BOTHERING
AN OLD MAN?
YOU'RE THROUGH, JUDGE.
YOU KIDS BETTER
LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU.
THERE'S A BEE'S NEST.
HI, JUDGE ALVIN!
EVENING, TROOPERS!
CAN'T GO TOO FAR
IN THIS PART OF THE WORLD
WITHOUT RUNNING ACROSS
MY FRIENDS.
ALVIN IS SOMETHING,
ISN'T HE?
OF COURSE,
WE CAN'T ADMI THAT WE APPRECIATE THE WAY
HE GETS THINGS DONE.
AND SINCE YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU KNOW,
I'M AFRAID WE'RE GOING
TO HAVE TO COME
TO SOME KIND
OF A-AR-ARRAN...
[RUMBLING]
IT'S THE COAL FIRE!
THE SEAMS ARE GIVING WAY!
RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
COME ON, GRAB ME.
I'M NOT GOING
TO LOSE YOU NOW.
GOT YOU.
HEY, WHAT'S
ALL THAT SHAKING?
I DON'T KNOW.
I DIDN' DO ANYTHING.
AAH!
MY BEEMER! GET IN!
NO, IT WON'T START.
IT'S GOT A FUEL
CUT-OFF SWITCH.
IT'S PAR OF THE ALARM SYSTEM.
NO SEAT BELTS.
NO ROOF.
OH, MY!
FAUSTO, THAT WAS THE
MOST ADVENTUROUS WEEKEND
OF MY ENTIRE LIFE.
WHEN I THINK ABOUT WHA HAPPENED IN VALKENVANIA,
I WOULD DO IT AGAIN.
NOT ME.
I WAS LIKE JAMES BOND.
DON'T WORRY, DENNIS.
NOW THAT YOU ARE HEAD
OF OUR PERSONAL SECURITY...
AND MY LOVER...
DUDE, YOUR LIFE'S
GOING TO BE FANTASTIC.
AND DON'T YOU WORRY.
NO ONE'S GOING
TO TOUCH YOU
OR MY LITTLE
FLORA DE LA LUNA.
OOH. DENNIS,
LISTEN TO ME...
[WHISTLING]
[MUMBLING]
WOOF! WOOF!
NO! UNH!
HEY, CHRIS.
CHRIS,
HEY, HEY, HEY!
IT'S OK.
TAKE IT EASY.
I THINK
YOU'RE JUST HAVING
A LITTLE NAPMARE.
OHHH.
IT'S OVER?
OH, YEAH, IT'S OVER.
YOU'RE OK,
WE'RE SAFE.
OH, GOD.
TAKE IT EASY.
OH, JEEZ,
WHAT A WEEKEND.
YEAH, NO KIDDING.
IT'S OK.
I'M GOING TO GO
TAKE A SHOWER.
OK.
JUST REST.
I'LL REST.
OK.
I'M GOING TO WATCH
A LITTLE TV.
NUMEROUS FIRE COMPANIES
FROM NEW YORK,
NEW JERSEY, OHIO,
AND ALL
NEIGHBORING STATES
ARE BARELY ABLE
TO HANDLE
THE SUBTERRANEAN MINE FIRE
NEAR THE TOWN
OF VALKENVANIA.
DIANE,
YOU SHOULD SEE THIS.
OUR SUSAN CAMPOS IS ON THE SCENE.
THIS CLOUD MAY HAVE
A SILVER LINING.
GEOLOGISTS SAY THE BRIEF
BUT INTENSE HEA FROM FISSURES
10 MILES BELOW
HAVE COOKED THE UPPER
COAL TAILINGS
INTO A FINE,
MEDIUM-GRADE CRUDE--
OVER 50 MILLION BARRELS.
WAIT JUST--JUS ONE SECOND, ROGER.
I SEE ONE OF
THE VILLAGE RESIDENTS
RUMMAGING THROUGH
THE REMAINS.
EXCUSE ME, SIR,
HOW DO YOU FEEL
NOW THAT YOU
HAVE LOST EVERYTHING?
AT LEAST WE ALL
GOT OUT ALIVE.
'COURSE, THERE'S NOTHING
LEFT FOR US HERE NOW,
SO WE'RE PLANNING
TO MOVE IN
WITH MY GRANDSON-IN-LAW.
HE LIVES
IN NEW YORK CITY.
OH, COME ON, NO! WHA--
SEE YOU SOON, BANKER!
NO, WHAT?
AAH!
NO, YOU WON'T.
%% ALL AROUND THE WORLD %%
%% SAME SONG %%
%% I CAME FOR THE PARTY %%
%% TO GET NAUGHTY %%
%% GET MY ROCKS ON %%
%% EAT POPCORN %%
%% WATCH YOU
MOVE YOUR BODY %%
%% TO THE POP SONG
THAT I'M SINGIN' %%
%% DING-A-LINGIN' %%
%% FUNKY BEAT'S RINGIN' %%
%% EVERYBODY SWINGIN'
IN THE PLACE %%
%% AS I KICK
THE J-A-Z-Z-Y STYLE %%
%% R AND B MIXIN' IT WI H THE HIP-HOP SWING BEAT %%
%% CHAMPAGNE IN MY HAND %%
%% IT WON'T BE LONG
TILL I'M GONE %%
%% IT'S JUS THE SAME OLD SONG %%
%% IT'S JUS A FREE STYLE %%
%% MEANWHILE WE'LL
KEEP THE BEAT KICKIN' %%
%% SWEAT DRIPPIN' %%
%% GIRLIES IN THE LIMO
EATING CHICKEN %%
%% OOPS, DON'T GET THE GREASE
ON YOUR PANTY HOSE %%
%% I LOVE YOU, ROVER,
MOVE OVER %%
%% I GO TO BLOW MY NOSE %%
%% SNEEZIN' BUT STILL I'M
PLEASIN' ALL THE SLIMMIES %%
%% PULL OUT MY JIMMY %%
%% TIME TO GET BUSY
WITH A JENNY %%
%% IF IT'S GOOD AND PLENTY,
DON'T YOU KNOW %%
%% THERE I GO, THERE
I GO, THERE I GO %%
%% BUT I DON'T GO NOWHERE
WITHOUT MY GYM HAT %%
%% WHEN I'M RAPPIN'
AS IF SHE'S CLAPPIN' %%
%% THEN I'M STRAPPIN' 'CAUSE
I'M SMARTER THAN THAT %%
%% THEN, GIRLIE, MAYBE
WE CAN GET ALONG %%
%% CUTIE AFTER CUTIE %%
%% IT'S JUS THE SAME OLD SONG %%
%% ALL AROUND THE WORLD %%
%% SAME SONG %%
%% IT'S THE SAME
OLD SONG, Y'ALL %%
%% ALL AROUND THE WORLD %%
%% SAME SONG %%
%% AH, IT'S JUS THE SAME OLD SONG %%
%% ALL AROUND THE WORLD %%
%% SAME SONG %%
%% SAME SONG %%
%% ALL--ALL
AROUND THE WORLD %%
%% SAME SONG %%
%% MONEY-B,
THE FREAKY DEKE %%
%% SQUEAKY-LICKIN' YOU
UP AND DOWN %%
%% WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK %%
%% I GOT TO TAKE A LEAK %%
%% SO WHILE I'M DRAININ',
ENTERTAIN 'EM %%
%% BUT I GOT FAME,
AND THE BASES ARE TOUCHED %%
%% TOO MUCH FOR ME
TO TRY TO BE NAMIN' %%
%% HEY, YO, YOU SAW ME
ON CABLE AND GRINNIN' %%
%% I BUSTED IN,
AND I WAS GOIN' TO WIN %%
%% CLARK GABLE BACK IN OAKLAND,
IT'S THE SAME OLD SONG %%
%% THIS SPORTY SHORTY %%
%% SAME FRECKLES AND HAT,
DRINKING THE SAME FORMULA %%
%% HYPOTHETICAL,
POLITICAL, LYRICAL %%
%% MIRACLE WHIP,
JUST LIKE BUTTER %%
%% MY RHYMES ARE LEGIT %%
%% 'CAUSE I'M A HUMPTY,
NOT HUMPTY DUMPTY %%
%% BUT HUMPTY HUMP %%
%% HERE A HUMP,
THERE A HUMP %%
%% EVERYWHERE
A HUMPTY HUMP %%
%% AW, SHUT UP
AND JUST LISTEN %%
%% NOT DISSIN',
DON'T GET ME WRONG %%
%% BUT TO ME IT'S
JUST THE SAME OLD SONG %%
%% SO JUST WATCH,
'CAUSE MY NAME IS SHOCK %%
%% I LIKE TO ROCK,
AND YOU CAN'T STOP THIS %%
%% 2 PAC, GO AHEAD
AND ROCK THIS %%
%% NOW I CLOWN AROUND %%
%% WHEN I HANG AROUND
WITH THE UNDERGROUND %%
%% GIRLS THAT USED
TO FROWN %%
%% SAY I'M DOWN
WHEN I COME AROUND %%
%% GAS ME
AND REALLY PASS ME %%
%% THEY USED TO DISS ME,
HARASS ME %%
%% BUT NOW THEY ASK ME
IF THEY CAN KISS ME %%
%% GET SOME FAME,
PEOPLE CHANGE %%
%% WANT TO
LIVE THEIR LIFE, HA %%
%% SAME SONG,
CAN'T GO WRONG %%
%% IF I PLAY
THE NICE GUY %%
%% CLAIM TO FAME
MUST HAVE CHANGED %%
%% NOW THA WE BECAME STRONG %%
%% I REMAIN STILL THE SAME %%
%% WHY, 2 %%
%% 'CAUSE
IT'S THE SAME SONG %%
%% ALL AROUND THE WORLD %%
%% IT'S THE SAME SONG %%
%% SAME OLD SONG, Y'ALL %%
%% ALL AROUND THE WORLD %%
%% SAME SONG %%
%% GET OUT, GET OUT,
SHAKE IT %%
%% ALL AROUND THE WORLD,
THE SAME SONG %%
%% IT'S JUS THE SAME OLD SONG %%
%% IT'S THE SAME SONG %%
%% LIVIN' IN IT, BABY %%
%% ALL AROUND THE WORLD,
THE SAME SONG %%
%% YEAH, HUMPTY HUMP
IN THE HOUSE, Y'ALL %%
%% ALL AROUND THE WORLD,
THE SAME SONG %%
%% IT'S THE SAME OLD SONG %%
%% ALL AROUND THE WORLD,
THE SAME SONG %%
%% ALL AROUND THE WORLD,
THE SAME SONG %%
AHH...
%% BEEN ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% IT'S THE SAME SONG %%
%% BEEN ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% IT'S THE SAME SONG %%
%% BEEN ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% IT'S THE SAME SONG %%
%% BEEN ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% IT'S THE SAME SONG %%
%% BEEN ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% IT'S THE SAME SONG %%
%% BEEN ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% IT'S THE SAME SONG %%
%% BEEN ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% IT'S THE SAME SONG %%
%% BEEN ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% IT'S THE SAME SONG %%
%% BEEN ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% IT'S THE SAME SONG %%
%% BEEN ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% IT'S THE SAME SONG %%
%% BEEN ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% IT'S THE SAME SONG %%
%% BEEN ALL AROUND
THE WORLD %%
%% IT'S THE SAME %%
%% THE SAME SONG... %%