Nothing Sacred (1937) Movie Script

Ladies and gentlemen!
When the Morning Star
summoned you to this banquet
I realized that there were
only two people qualified
to introduce the great man
we are honoring tonight.
Either my humble self or that
pearl among journalists
Mr. Wallace Cook, my great
friend and star reporter.
You said it.
I want Mr. Cook himself to tell
you the great feat he performed
not only for the Morning Star,
but for mankind itself
in interesting our guest of
honor in this great project.
Twenty-seven halls of
learning and culture!
Twenty-seven arenas of art!
To be known as the
Morning Star Temple.
And for every dollar we contribute, our
guest has pledged himself to give ten.
Ladies and gentlemen, it is my
great honor to introduce to you
A prince with a heart as
big as his pocketbook
that fabulous and magnificent
potentate of the Orient
the Sultan of Marzipan.
Peace be unto you, my friends.
Peace and the blessings of culture.
That's him.
That's my husband.
Well, my fine
Oriental potentate
I'm not going to have you arrested.
I'm going to put you on the payroll
as a janitor!
Thank you, sir.
And I always want you
present in the local room
Where my reporters and Mr. Wallace
Cook can drink you in constantly
As a warning against fakes!
Yeah, sir.
May I ask, ain't Mr.
Cook a reporter anymore?
I wouldn't like for him to lose his job.
He was very nice to me.
Mr. Cook is not going to be
discharged, Your Majesty.
For his own good and the
good of the Morning Star
I am going to remove him
from the land of the living!
Listen, Oliver, I tell
you I'm innocent.
I was just as fooled by old
black Joe as you were.
I believed everything he
said just as you did.
Now, Oliver.
Either you cut out these fat-headed monkeyshines
of yours and let bygones be bygones
or I'm walking out of this
fish trap right here and now.
You're under contract with the
Star for five more years.
You're not in a position to resign
unless you wish to retire from
journalistic efforts over that period.
Oliver, you're not gonna keep me
pounding out obituaries for five years?
Those are my plans, Mr. Cook.
That's gratitude.
I'm the best reporter you ever had.
I've handed you a hundred scoops.
It isn't fair, Oliver.
It isn't human.
Shut up!
Oliver, I... I don't like
to say this, but...
The paper is going to rack and ruin with
me hidden away in that water cooler.
- Look at this.
- What's that?
Poor little working girl doomed
to death from radium poisoning.
- We've covered it.
- Covered it?
You're getting old, Oliver.
Look, there's 1, 2, 3, 4,
5, 6 lines on Hazel Flagg.
A poor little kid with a few
months to live at the outside.
Doomed. Death staring
her in the face.
What does she feel?
What does she think?
- Radium eating away her bones!
- Don't shout at me!
Listen, Oliver, there's a story in this
kid that ought to tear your heart out.
Where is it? Why hasn't the Star got it?
I'll tell you.
Because I'm stuck away in the water cooler
on account of some whim of yours.
Listen, Oliver, give
me a chance, will you?
So help me may I drop
dead or redeem myself.
- I oughta be shot for what I'm thinking.
- What are you thinking?
I'm thinking that maybe you ain't the
most tittering imbecile on Earth.
I'm thinking that maybe
you've learned your lesson.
Oliver, so help me. I'll
be in Vermont by morning.
I'll dig you up a story that'll make
this town swoon. Here's my hand on it.
I've been through an inferno.
I haven't been able to enter a
caf for the past three weeks
without the band playing "Dixie".
- Oh well, that was a coincidence.
- I've given you my hand, go on...
- Redeem yourself.
- Thanks. You won't regret it.
If I don't come back with the
biggest story you ever handled
you can put me back in short
pants and make me marble editor.
- You through?
- Yep.
- You know this girl, Hazel Flagg?
- Yep.
- Pretty girl, eh?
- Yep.
- Where is she now? In the hospital?
- Nope.
Just walking around, eh? Laughing
and carrying on, I suppose.
- What's your name, Coolidge?
- Nope.
Well, if you aren't worn
out talking, what is it?
Mr. Bull, my name's Cook.
I'm from the New York Star.
I'm, uh, going to be filing a lot of
stuff with your telegraph office here.
- I don't think you are.
- Well, who says?
The Paragon Watch Factory owns this town.
They don't care to have any scandal printed.
What they say goes.
Better take the next train back.
- What kind of a fellow is this Dr. Downer?
- He won't talk to you.
Nobody talkin' in this town.
Except me. Better go home.
Well, if you don't mind I'll take a little
stroll and have a look at the sights first.
Well, I wouldn't have talked at all if
I knew I was gonna do it for nothin'.
Oh, pardon me.
I forgot I was in Vermont.
All right.
Morning, sister.
- You in charge here?
- Yep.
I've been wandering through your
fascinating metropolis for an hour.
- Mind if I sit down here?
- Yep.
- I guess you misunderstood me.
- Nope.
- You know Hazel Flagg?
- Yep.
Any idea where I could
find her this morning?
You're a newspaperman from New York.
- How did you guess that, sister?
- You was described to me.
Will Bull can shoot his mouth
off to all he wants, but not me
nor anybody else in this town.
This drugstore's run by the
Paragon Watch Company
and they don't want any scandalmonger
New Yorkers snoopin' around.
- OK, sister. And how much do I owe you?
- Well, you've tooken up my time...
Thank you very much. I'm sorry that
I've tooken up so much of your time.
- Oh. Good morning.
Is Dr. Downer in?
- Yep.
- Is that his office?
- Yep.
Would you tell him Mr. Cook
would like to see him?
Tell him yourself.
- Dr. Downer?
- Yep!
My name's Cook. I'm up
here from New York.
Sit down. I'll be
with you in a minute.
- Nice day... Yep.
- Yep.
- What have you got, young man?
No. No hives.
Lotta hives goin' around. Mrs. George
Nasher was took yesterday. Do you know her?
- Where did you say you were from?
- New York.
I was wondering if you you could tell
me where I could find Hazel Flagg.
- From New York, eh?
- Yep.
You know what I
think, young fella?
I think you're a newspaperman.
I can smell 'em.
I've always been able to smell 'em.
Excuse me while I open the windows.
I'll tell you briefly what
I think of newspapermen.
The hand of God reaching
down into the mire
Couldn't elevate one of them
to the depths of degradation.
Not by a million miles.
I think you're being a little
severe toward my profession.
- Not much, but just a little.
- Nothing of the sort.
I'm a fair-minded man, young fella, but
when you've been robbed, swindled, cheated
for 22 years out of a fortune, it's
pardonable to formulate an opinion!
- From New York, eh?
- Yep.
You don't happen to know of a
newspaper called the Morning Star?
You have the honor, Dr. Downer,
of addressing that newspaper's
most gifted representative.
Moses in the mountains!
You're from the Morning Star?
Stay right where you are.
Don't move!
I'll show you something
that'll freeze ya!
Listen, doctor. I'm getting
sick of this taffy pull.
Where can I get hold
of Hazel Flagg?
Don't talk to me about Hazel Flagg!
No, siree!
Here's the evidence.
I appeal to you as a man of learning, Dr.
Downer. What is Miss Flagg's address?
Don't waste my time, young fella.
Here, read that.
That's a copy of an essay I wrote.
Read it. Go on.
Tit for tat.
Give me her address, and I'll pore over
these interesting documents all night.
I entered this contest with
a clean pair of hands.
Who are the six greatest Americans?
I named them and proved why,
writing on one side of the paper.
And what happened? Did I
win the $10,000? No, siree.
Did I win the 5,000? Did they
even try to save their face
by giving me one of the
smaller $1,000 prizes?
Not that gang of chicken thieves!
Here's what they gave me, read it.
A check for $1.
- Young fella, for 22 years...
- I must ask you to be reasonable.
- You can't harbor a grudge for 22 years.
- I'll harbor it till I die! Wait and see!
The Morning Star had a chance
to win my respect 22 years ago.
They saw fit to swindle and belittle me.
Very well.
I'll prove to them before I die
who the six great Americans are
And who was entitled
to the first prize!
I could do better in darkest Africa.
You know who got that $10,000?
The editor's wife, that's who!
You don't have to sit there
looking so dramatic, Hazel.
Like Eliza crossing the ice.
Well, I can't help feeling a little bad.
You couldn't either if you
were gonna die any minute.
Well, you can stop giving yourself
the airs of a dying swan.
According to this last analysis
I made, you ain't going to die.
Unless you get run over or something.
You heard me. I don't like
to chew my cabbage twice.
Enoch... Enoch, I-I-I'm
not gonna die?
You're fitter than a fiddle! And stop
gawking at me while I cut myself!
Oh, I gotta cry, Enoch.
I can't help it.
Come, come, come, this is no way
to behave in a doctor's office.
Besides, that soap will give you the
darndest bellyache you ever had.
Oh, Enoch, you saved my life.
Oh, it was nothing. That first
diagnosis I made was a mistake.
I got so that I was seeing
radium poisoning everywhere.
I've been awfully brave, haven't I, not
to cry before? Please say I have...
Well, now that it's over, I don't mind telling
you, Hazel, I felt kinda sorry for you.
I've been under a great strain.
You know, I don't know why
I'm so happy about it, Enoch.
You sort of spoiled my trip.
What trip's that, Hazel?
You know, I was gonna take that
$200 you get for dying in Warsaw
And go to New York and blow
it all in and die happy.
And now I've got to stay in Warsaw.
So that's your gratitude to me?
For snatching you from
the jaws of death?
You know, I don't know which I am,
happy or miserable, I'm all mixed up.
Enoch, listen. Do you have to hand
in that report to the factory?
I know it sounds a little dishonest.
I'd do it like a shot, Hazel.
Only I'd lose my job the minute they
found out you weren't going to die.
And besides, there's the ethics.
Well. Oh, thanks for all your trouble.
I'm terribly grateful, Enoch.
Only it's kind of startling to
be brought to life twice...
And each time in Warsaw!
Miss Flagg?
Pardon me, I'm Wallace Cook
from the New York Star.
I came up to see you.
I know it's hard for you to talk, but if
you'd just listen to me for a while...
I have nothing to say now.
It's sort of too late.
I know how you feel, Miss Flagg.
But I won't ask you any
questions about your ailment.
I was just in to see Dr.
Downer, and he told me...
Now, please don't cry. I was thinking
while I was waiting for you to come out
and I got an idea. I want you
to come to New York with me.
- What?
- As my guest.
As the guest of the Morning Star. Now,
don't say anything till I tell you.
- Oh, I'm not saying anything.
- If you were my sister...
or somebody close to me, I'd take you
outta Warsaw dead or alive, Miss Flagg.
Oh, I've always wanted to see
the world outside before I...
- You've lived here all your life, huh?
- Twice as long.
You poor kid. You've
never been to New York?
No, my grandmother took me there when I
was three, but I didn't appreciate it.
Listen, we'll show you the town.
We'll take you everywhere.
You'll have more fun than if
you lived a hundred years
in this moth-eaten
yep-and-nope village.
- That's so very true...
- Is it a bargain?
I don't know. It would be
imposing on everybody because...
Imposing? In what way?
Oh, I just thought it'd be
wrong to make people sad.
- I'd be kind of a killjoy, wouldn't I?
- Listen, I'll be frank with you.
Even if I sound like a ghoul.
You'll be a sensation.
The whole town will
take you to its heart.
You'll have everything you've ever dreamed
of. You'll have it on a silver platter.
You'll be like Aladdin with
the magic lamp to rub.
You mean they'll like me
just because I'm dying?
Oh, that's a cruel way to put it.
No, they'll like you because you'll
be a symbol of courage and heroism.
- We'll talk about it on the plane.
- An aeroplane? You mean we'll fly there?
Sure. Sure, we haven't much time.
Oh, I'm sorry. I mean...
The sooner you get there, the more
time you'll have to enjoy yourself.
You know, I was gonna go there before.
I saved up an hundred dollars.
Now, a hundred million dollars couldn't buy
you the fun the Morning Star can give you.
- Come on.
- Oh no, wait. I gotta take him with me.
- Who? The kid on the bicycle?
- Oh no, no. Enoch. Dr. Downer.
You wait here. Oh, you
won't go away, will you?
- Nope.
- Oh, I'll go ask him. Will you wait here?
- Yep.
- Oh, good. Enoch! Enoch!
Oh, Enoch, look!
I don't care for scenery
from this point of view.
But that's the Statue of Liberty!
I've seen it.
I got in touch with Oliver.
Oliver Stone, my editor.
He's toe dancing in the
street waiting for us.
Oh, I hope he's nice like you.
Well, he's got a different
quality of charm.
He's sort of a cross between a
Ferris wheel and a werewolf.
But with a lovable streak -
if you care to blast for it.
- You're getting nervous?
- Oh no, no.
I just hope he won't have a lot of long-
whiskered doctors lined up to harass me.
You know, I'm not coming to New York to
play guinea pig for a lot of scientists.
Everybody knows that radium
poisoning is incurable
so... so why waste any
time in that direction?
Don't you worry about that.
You won't be bothered at all.
I'm not going to go to bed until I have
convulsions and my teeth start falling out.
That's when I begin
worrying, isn't it, Enoch?
It's as good a time as any.
- How're you feeling now, sailor?
- Hunky dory, Skipper.
Well, there she is, in all
her beads and ribbons.
- Mr. Cook?
- Yeah. Oh, thank you.
Oh, it's from Oliver. He's almost
tongue-tied with excitement.
He's... he's worked up
a nutty demonstration.
New York is going to lay
its heart at your feet
while the whistles blow and the
bands play and the cameras grind.
How about you, sailor? Anything you
care to say as we go into action?
Oh, I'm going to have a marvelous
time. Whatever happens afterwards -
I mean about the convulsions and all that
- I'm going to have fun first I am I am
Well, if that doesn't make
them cry, nothing will.
Cry? Why should they cry?
Because you're the bravest kid that ever
lived. There's no fake about it this time.
Oh, look!
Don't excite yourself too much.
It's just a fake.
What did you say?
I said, don't excite yourself too much.
It's just a fake.
- Who? Who is a fake?
- Those grapplers.
- The only square thing about them is the ring.
- Oh, them!
They're a symbol to the whole town
pretending to fight, love,
weep and laugh all the time...
and they're phonies, all of 'em.
- And I head the list.
- Oh no, you don't. Don't say that.
Using you to get a bonus and
a byline on the front page.
Making good over your poor,
little pain-racked body and all.
I'm worse than those fake wrestlers.
I feel fine tonight, Wally. You and the
Morning Star have been so wonderful to me.
You know, these wonderful gowns and the
banquets and the theater tickets and...
the poetry.
Stop looking so happy
and gallant, will you?
Breaks my heart.
- You all right?
- Oh, yes. I-I feel fine.
Ladies and gentlemen! I have just learned
that Miss Hazel Flagg is in the audience!
I would like to ask this distinguished
audience to observe ten seconds of silence
in respect for Miss Flagg.
Okay, boys.
Would it interfere with your running the
fleet if I ask you something personal?
That's what we're here for,
to get personal. Proceed.
There's a loose halyard fore.
Go and make it fast, will you?
- That thing on the top there?
- Yes, my little mariner, yes.
Try not to go overboard.
I asked several people,
but they didn't know.
- They didn't know what?
- If you were married.
The answer, in capital
letters, is no. N-O.
- N-O?
- Yeah. N-O.
Oh, I see. I don't suppose
newspapermen marry, as a rule.
Not after they're 14 or 15. That's the
dangerous age for the journalist.
His ideals are not yet formed and he
falls easy prey to elderly waitresses.
- Once his finer side is born, he waits.
- For what?
For the sound of the flare alarm, Miss
Flagg. Waits to go rushing off for the fire.
- What fire is that, Mr. Cook?
- Love.
- I used to hear about that in Warsaw.
- Yeah. It's gotten around.
- You're having fun?
- Yes. But you know, I get kinda depressed.
You know, last night when I entered
the theater, everybody moaned. Oh.
You know, I might as well be
a case of walking cholera.
Don't do that!
Now, I used to love New York when
they went gaga over some celebrity.
Danced in the streets with a
neon light around its heart.
I'm getting fed up with its trick tears
and phony lamentations over you.
I'm glad they're phony. It makes
everything all right, in a way.
I mean I wouldn't wanna feel I was
really making all those people suffer.
Wally! Wally, look at
that man with the toupee!
Greetings, greetings, my little folks!
Tonight, there is one among us
Who adds a bit of unaccustomed
drama to our little rally.
She sits here, eyes sparkling, her
face wreathed in a lovely smile.
Drinking in the charm, the
glitter, the gay sounds of life.
So drink your wine,
laugh and applaud
while this little doomed child
sits saying goodbye to you.
Her last goodbye, with a
grateful smile on her lips.
So on with the show,
my little actors all.
On with the show, for tonight you're
not the famous folk of Broadway.
Tonight you're just a little chorus
laughing and dancing and pirouetting
To afford a last brief
hour of mirth and jollity
to America's simplest and sweetest
of heroines
Miss Hazel Flagg.
For good, clean fun, there's
nothing like a wake.
Oh please, please,
let's not talk shop.
Our next number tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
is entitled "The Heroines of History".
Catherine the Great who saved Russia.
She could do it, too.
Lady Godiva who saved her virtue.
That's the way those
things go, folks.
Katinka who saved Holland by
putting her finger in the dyke.
Show them the finger, babe.
Pocahontas who saved
Captain John Smith
and later on set him up in
the cough drop business.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, I want you to
meet that little girl from Warsaw, Vermont.
That little soldier whose heroic
smile in the face of death
has wrung tears and cheers from
the great stone heart of the city.
I humbly invite her now to take her place
beside all the great Heroines of History.
Our own Miss Hazel Flagg!
Look! Something has
happened to Hazel!
Look out, young fella.
Let me at her.
- Has it... has it come?
- Doctor, I wanna know the worst.
I don't want you to spare our feelings.
We're going to press in 15 minutes.
- Is there a chance, doctor?
- I've been expecting something like this.
Let's get her out of here.
Please, everybody. Take your seats.
Quiet, please. Take your seats.
There must be no commotion.
The show must go on. Hazel
would want it that way.
I'm disgusted with you, Hazel. Getting
drunk in the middle of a memorial.
- Now lie down like I tell you.
- I'm not drunk.
I just had a little sip, thassall, and then...
then all of those buffaloes ran over me.
They weren't buffaloes,
they were horses.
- I might've been trampled to death!
- Don't yell, I tell you!
If somebody respectable could see you
now, that would be pretty, wouldn't it?
Shame on you!
Take your stockings off!
You're the doctor,
take 'em off yourself.
Say! What are you doing?
If anything happens,
we have to replate.
That's all that counts to
you, isn't it, you birdbrain
With a headline for a heart?
That poor, gallant little kid standing in
front of that goofy bunch of horses.
And smiling, just smiling.
Don't waste copy on me, Wallace.
Oliver, that's the sweetest, loveliest
kid in there that ever lived.
Yes, you said that
before, Wally.
I'm through. I can't play
pallbearer any longer. I'm resigning.
She's all right, gentlemen.
Sleeping like a little baby.
- No! Are you sure?
- Just as if nothing had happened.
She'll be fitter than a
fiddle in the morning.
In the morning,
ya-da-de-dee, da-daa...
- Oh my Gosh! Miss Rafferty, Miss Rafferty!
- Yes?
Oh, make them stop ringing that phone.
It'll break my head open.
- Hello?
- I don't wanna talk to anybody.
Just a minute. There are twenty little
schoolchildren downstairs to sing for you.
Mr. Stone arranged for it yesterday.
Oh, it's horrible. I'll go mad!
- Send them up.
- You may bring them up, sir.
Oh my Gosh, there's a
sawmill inside my head.
You may leave the
room, Miss Rafferty.
I brought you something.
Raw eggs.
Just what you need.
Their albumen counteracts
the alcohol.
Suck 'em right down.
Settle your stomach.
Go on. I got a whole dozen.
Is this the way drunks feel?
Hazel, you got what is known
in medicine as a hangover.
I've got something worse than that.
I've got a conscience.
Keep on sucking that egg, and
your conscience will go away.
I'm ruining him.
Let me have your pulse, Hazel.
Don't jiggle me. My pulse is all right.
I'm as healthy as an ox. Oh!
Well, stop groaning then!
You old fraud, you know
what I'm groaning about!
Oh, I wish, I wish I had radium
poisoning or something awful.
Then... then I wouldn't ruin him.
Who is this you're ruining, Hazel?
- Wallace. Mr. Cook.
- Oh, him. Have another egg.
Enoch, listen. He thinks I've helped
him become a great journalist
and they're gonna give him a bonus.
Mr. Stone is a bonus.
It's coming out of the
$10,000 they owe me.
If I'm not complaining,
why should he worry?
He thinks I've helped him. Helped him.
And it makes him feel bad.
Oh, I can't stand it.
You know what'll happen when they find out
I'm a horrible, good-for-nothing fake?
They'll blame him. Everybody! They'll
just burn down the newspaper.
And the Mayor, he'll have Wally lynched.
You just wait and see.
Oh, Enoch. Why did you
let me come to New York?
If you were only as
honest as you look.
Mr. Cook is here to see Miss Flagg.
Do you feel able to speak to him?
All right, tell him to wait.
- Tell him to come in!
- Come in!
- Hello. Hello, Hazel.
- Hello.
Hello, doctor.
It, uh, it won't hurt
her if I visit a while?
She's doing very well
for her last few weeks.
Gee, I'm glad to hear that, Hazel.
I was, uh... we were worried.
Excuse me.
I wouldn't have disturbed you, but,
uh, I'm going away and I thought...
- I might not see you again until...
- You're going away where?
Oh, just to Albany.
- What for?
- Just to see the governor.
Wallace, what are you doing
in Albany with the governor?
Now, Hazel, you mustn't
get overwrought.
Well, if it's about me,
I must know about it.
It's, uh, about the
arrangements, Hazel.
What arrangements?
For the funeral.
What funeral?
Have I... Have I shocked you?
Oh no, oh no. Everybody has
to have a funeral sometime.
Well, but not like
yours, darling.
Gee, I meant to keep
it as a surprise.
Oh, it's better this way, your telling
me in advance so I can get used to it.
Oh, I hope it's gonna be a little funeral.
Oh, I'm afraid that's way
way impossible, Hazel.
According to the present registration,
there'll be about 30,000 automobiles
and a considerable group on foot.
About half a million, I think.
- Oh, my.
- That's not half enough to mourn for you.
Oliver thought we could get the
President, but, uh, he's still fishing.
I arranged to have the Symphony
orchestra there instead.
Well, if it's all arranged,
why are you going to Albany?
Well, uh, I had an idea this morning.
I'm getting the governor to declare a
public holiday for the, uh, occasion.
Oh, like St. Valentine's Day?
I'm glad I told you.
Hazel, I want you to know now and
always. I think you're magnificent.
Oh please, please, don't say that.
Do you have to go away?
Oh, I'll be back by night.
And I've got another surprise for
you, but I-I'll not tell you now.
But I've got to hear it.
- Well, I promised you I wouldn't do this.
- You wouldn't do what?
Call in any other doctor.
Hazel, I know you have great faith in
Enoch. But I've broken my promise.
Dr. Emil Egelhofer is arriving on the
Rex this afternoon. He's from Vienna.
- And I'm bringing him to see you.
- What for?
Hazel, he is the greatest expert
on radium poisoning in the world.
I know it's incurable, but when I heard
he was on the Rex I radioed him.
There's... there's always an outside
chance. You know, just one in a million.
I'm sorry, I... I've got to run
to get the 10 o'clock plane.
Hazel, I-I know it's a long shot, but...
we can hope, hm?
Pardon me.
- The little children are here, Hazel.
- What little children?
- They've come to sing for you.
- Enoch, this is the end.
Don't ask any questions,
just listen to me. We're caught.
Dr. Egelhofer's coming here
tonight to expose me and Wally.
You've got nothing to fear from any
doctor who comes snoopin' around here.
Better have another egg.
There's only one way out. There's only
one way to save you and me and Wally.
I've got to commit suicide in advance
before that scientist gets to me.
- I... I've got to be drowned.
- Awww, suck this egg, I tell you.
- Oh, shut up!
I'll leave a note to the
city thanking everybody.
You get rid of the news for the evening,
and then I'll jump into the river.
Somebody's bound to see me jumping, and you'll
be waiting in a rowboat to fish me out.
And I'll swim underwater,
and I'll change my name
and hide away for the rest of my
life and never, never see him again.
And they'll hold the
funeral without me.
Hello, honey. This is Ernest.
Honey, what kinda
flowers do you like?
Don't worry, honey, they
all the same price.
I'm gettin' them wholesale.
Be right up, honey.
Hello. Get me the Morning Star. Quick.
Who committed suicide?
Read it to me.
Dear New York City, Goodbye.
Remember me as someone
you made very happy.
I have enjoyed everything.
There's only one thing left to enjoy.
Your river - that smiled
outside of my window.
It is easy to die when the
heart is full of gratitude.
Hazel Flagg.
Hello, Oliver. Well, we get our holiday.
The governor has agreed to...
Shut up.
Jumpin' H. Sebastian.
She's double-crossed us.
- Who has?
- Miss Flagg.
- She's gone over to some other paper?
- She's gone into the river.
Listen, you weasel-brain. What
are you trying to tell me?
Hazel Flagg has committed suicide.
I don't believe it.
Ernest, your Sultan, has
found her suicide note.
He saw her leave the
hotel five minutes ago.
Give me the Mayor at once.
Get the governor. Tell him we
want that holiday tomorrow.
You're a fine pair of gravediggers.
You and the governor both.
Hello, hello, Mayor? This is
Wallace Cook of the Star calling...
One... two... three...
Okay, Hazel, okay!
- Two...
- Hazel!
You freakin' fool! What the
devil's the matter with you?
What are you trying to do?
- Wally! Wally! Are you all right?
- Sure! I'm all right!
But I... But I can't swim.
- Wally!
- Give me your hand!
That's a fine, sweet
trick you tried to play.
- Well, why didn't you stay in Albany?
- Jumping off a pier like some hothead.
- I didn't jump, I was pushed!
- Scaring everybody out of their wits...
Stop hollering. I'm-I'm nervous.
Listen, either you give me your word
of honor you won't try that again.
Or I'll spank your little...
Wallace, don't you think you oughta
notify them that you've located me?
You know, it seems unfair to
have 'em dragging the river!
Oh, the fresh air will do 'em good.
Come on, I wanna talk to you.
This is as good a place as any.
Get in!
Oh, it's awfully cozy, isn't it?
Are you still mad at me?
I'm mad at myself.
Drooling away to you about the funeral...
That's what drove you to it!
To be really frank with you,
Wallace, it wasn't that at all.
Oh, darling, I'd love to sit in here
with you for the rest of my life.
Will you marry me?
- What?
- You heard me. Will you marry me?
- Oh, Wally...
- Come on, answer me.
But darling, there's
no future in it.
Now, don't talk like a half-wit.
I don't care about the future.
Oh, Wally, if things
were normal I'd...
Oh, Wally, I... I mustn't.
Don't ask me.
Please, just kiss me once more and let
it go at that without ruining your life.
So what the devil is there
better to life than we've got?
A handful of perfect hours. That's
all the luckiest ever get out of it.
Just a handful of hours
to save and remember.
And then... I'll be there at the end,
sailor. I'll be there waving you goodbye.
It'll be the same as if you
and I had lived forever.
And you'll... you'll
grow old in my heart.
Okay, Skipper.
You seen anyting of a young
lady what yumped in the river?
Yeah. She's... she's right here.
All right. Yim, get the bullmotor.
Oh, never mind the bullmotor.
Now, her breathing's fine.
- Just... drive us to her hotel, will you?
- Sure. Yump in.
Yumpin' Yiminy.
- Oh. Oh, thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Ehh... You're welcome.
- Now...
Looks as if I finally get
my ride on a fire engine.
- Yeah.
- Yumpin' Yiminy.
- Uh, Yim?
- Yim.
Okay, Yim!
Gotta go down and bat out the story.
Oliver's having a cat fit.
You know, I've been
misjudging him.
When I told him you were safe and sound, he
choked up and couldn't talk for a minute.
- Oh yes, he's very sweet.
- Yeah.
Well, I'll... I'll see
you in the morning.
Have a good sleep. Good night.
Yes, it's a big fire. Oh, if
you ever hate me, remember
this... and this... and this...
and this and...
The biggest fire since Rome!
Well, well, well. Hello, Hazel.
Come in.
I was wondering
whatever become of you.
Enoch, who is that man?
Enoch, who is that man?
Oh, he's just a stranger from Europe
who dropped in for a little chat.
We've been discussing medicine,
pro and con. Oh, excuse me.
I want to introduce
you to Hazel Flagg.
Mister, uh... What did
you same your name was?
Egelhofer. Dr. Emil Egelhofer.
Dr. Awfulegger...
Seems to me I've heard of
you somewhere, doctor.
Oh, Enoch... Enoch,
sit down now.
I received a radio on the ship
from the Morning Star, Miss Flagg,
Which excited my professional
as well as humane interests.
And I called on you at once.
Aaah, that must be my colleagues.
Come right in, gentlemen.
This is the young lady,
Miss Hazel Flagg.
Dr. Oswald Vunch of Prague.
Dr. Felix Maratchovsky of Moscow.
Dr. Friedrich Kirchenweisser of Berlin.
All the darkeys am a weeping
Massa's in the cold, cold ground...
There is no vestige, no
trace, no single symptom
Of radium poising in this
young woman, Mr. Stone.
We had some trouble with that
horse doctor from Vermont
But we took the
X-rays regardless.
Are you sure you examined
the right woman
And not some... some impostor?
Oh, ho-ho. The only impostor in this case,
Mr. Stone, is this young woman we examined.
The young woman who is
known as Hazel Flagg.
Here's the full report of this examination.
Here's the X-ray pictures
showing the entire skeleton of this
young woman known as Hazel Flagg.
And here, Mr. Stone, is my bill.
Um, um... our bill.
And I will assure you,
not me or my colleagues
will say one single word
of this to the newspapers.
Goodbye. You have nothing more
to worry about, Mr. Stone.
Your troubles are over.
Send me up four sluggers from
the Circulation Department.
Got a bulletin and new lead
for you on Hazel Flagg
that's going to wreathe that sourpuss
of yours into a nosegay of smiles.
Now sit tight and
tuck in your ears.
Miss Flagg is getting
married tonight.
And wish me luck,
old weasel-brain.
Aw, listen, I know
it sounds hysterical
marrying somebody with
a few weeks to live.
Like honeymooning with a
hearse at the front door.
But, Oliver, it's on the square.
What's the matter with you?
Listen, I want you to be best man...
Are you stewed or something?
I came in for congratulations.
What's up? What's eating you?
I am sitting here, Mr. Cook,
trying to figure some way
Out of the blackest disaster that has
ever struck down an innocent man
since the days of
Judas Ischariot.
What are you mumbling about?
What disaster?
I am sitting here, Mr.
Cook, toying with the idea
of removing your heart -
and stuffing it like an olive!
Hang on, Oliver, you're going screwy.
I'll get Watson.
You ruined me.
You ruined the Morning Star.
You blackened forever the
fair name of journalism.
You and that foul botch
of nature, Hazel Flagg!
You got some excuse for those words,
Oliver. Let's have it. Quick.
Excuse?! Excuse?!!!
Look at that!
L-l-l-look at that skeleton!
Not a bone missing, down to the
last healthy vertebra! Intact!
Read that. Rub your nose in it.
That's Hazel Flagg.
The biggest fake of the century.
A lying, faking witch with the soul of
an eel and the brain of a tarantula.
She hasn't got anything
wrong with her at all.
Sweet heaven, I can't believe it.
It's like some miracle.
Get me the Waldorf Hotel
as quick as you can!
Grab Hazel Flagg and
bring her to this office!
If you have to drag her through
the street by the hair!
So help me, Oliver, if you hurt that kid,
I'll knock you cold. I'll brain you!
You stay here and watch that maniac.
Watch every move he makes.
I want Hazel Flagg in this
office within half an hour!
- You're staying here!
- Now, Oliver, you're not gonna hurt her...
- Shut up!
- I'm marrying her.
Get that into that
monkey skull of yours.
I don't care how we've been taken or
what she's done. I'm in love with her
- Oh, that's a beautiful thought.
- And I thank God on my knees...
...that she's a fraud and a
fake and isn't going to die.
You're on your knees thanking God when the
whole town's getting ready to laugh at us.
A howl that'll be heard
around the world!
Let 'em laugh. I'll do
my own laughing back.
- It'll be worse than the French Revolution.
- Well, I hope I'm here when it breaks.
I wanna make one speech to our dear readers
before they carry our heads off on a pike.
Wanna tell 'em we've
been their benefactors.
We gave 'em a chance to pretend
that their phony hearts
were dripping with the milk of
human kindness.
- What's your name?
- Who, me? Max.
I want quiet in this office, Max.
Quiet so I can think
- Hazel Flagg's a fraud, eh?
- Gag him!
So when you start yelling "foul", remember
she was just a circulation stunt for you.
You used her like you've used every broken
heart that's fallen into your knap-sack.
To inflame the daffy public
and help sell your papers.
That's enough about
sellin' papers!
Before I finish with that female
Dracula, she'll know one thing -
that Oliver Stone is worse than radium
poisoning four ways from the Jack!
Hello? Hello? Who? Moe? Moe who?
Who's Moe Levinsky?
That's my brother. You sent him
over to get that girl. Remember?
Oh, Moe. Listen. What? What's that?
Well, what are you stalling for? Get her
back here to the office as I ordered.
Get the mush out of your
mouth, man, and speak up!
He's a dumb cluck, Mr. Stone.
You better let me talk to him.
You'll just get him excited...
then he's gone.
Hello, Moe? This is Max.
What's on your mind?
Uh-huh... Uh-huh...
Tsk. That's a shame.
- What is it?
- I'm gettin' it.
Go on, Moe. And take it easy.
Uh-huh... Uh-huh...
You don't say.
Look, Moe. Hold the wire, will you?
I'll take it up with Mr. Stone.
He wants to know where he can get a doctor.
This girl is sick.
- Who's sick?
- This girl. Hazel Flagg.
It's a lie!
Listen, Max, ask him
what she's sick with.
He told me. He said it's
something like the DTs.
Only the dope can't
pronounce it.
- Well, is the nurse there?
- Just a minute.
Hello, M- ... Hello, Moe?
This is Max.
Your brother, Max!
He's gettin' rattled.
Now, don't fly off the handle, Moe. All
I wanna know - is the noisse there?
No, not a noise. A noisse!
Like a tootsie!
Thaaat's right.
- Uh-huh... Uh-huh...
- Give me that phone.
- I'm gettin' there...
- Give me that phone, I tell you!
- Here's the noisse.
- Miss Rafferty?
Oliver Stone.
It's a lie, I tell you.
Temperature of 106?
Go back and take her temperature again. I
don't trust that girl until I get a doctor.
No, not Dr. Downer!
Tell Moe to throw that Vermont quack out
of the room the minute he shows his face.
Get me Moe.
Pneumonia? It's the finger
of God if it's true.
Listen, Moe. Don't let anybody
leave that room until I get there.
Dead or alive, nobody
leaves that room. Get me?
It's like a pardon from the gallows.
But I'm trusting nobody this time.
I'm taking no chances.
Hello? Hello? Get me
Dr. Emil Egelhofer of Vienna.
Wherever he is.
Well, try all the hotels.
Listen, Oliver. I'm going over there.
And if you try to stop me
So help me, I'll get you,
if it takes all my life.
Nobody is going to stop you now.
If that little girl is sick,
your place is by her side.
Yes. Dr. Emil Egelhofer of Vienna.
Well, try the medical center.
Try Schulz's Beer Garden!
No, I don't want to see the Mayor.
Take the Mayor away from me.
I want Wallace. Wallace, where are you?
Cut out the shenanigans, will you?
We haven't got any time to lose.
Oh. Wally. Wally, I'm on fire.
Now, shut up for a minute
and listen to me.
Egelhofer is gonna be here
in ten or fifteen minutes.
- Egelhofer.
Dr. Emil Egelhofer of Vienna.
- I knew you were faking the minute I
- Oh, Wally, they were gonna arrest me.
I couldn't get away. I put the thermometer
under the hot water and threw a fit.
Oh, Wally, you hate me. I knew you'd
hate me. I told you, I told you...
Let's not go into that now.
Oh, Egelhofer, he'll expose me
again, and there's four of them.
- Keep your head and listen to me.
- You hate me.
- Now shut up. Where's the hot water?
- It's in there.
As if I didn't know...
- Have you got two thermometers?
- Three. I've got three.
- Two are enough.
You'll never forgive me for
what I've done to you.
Wally, I wanna die. Honest, I
don't wanna live another minute.
Must've been a lot of fun playing
me for the world's prize chump.
- Where's the other thermometer?
- Here.
Wallace Cook, king of the boobs. The
only genuine horse's neck on the market.
I didn't mean it. Really, I didn't...
All right, shut up and listen to the greatest
sucker in Christendom, and listen hard.
- Egelhofer is coming.
- With his gang?
What gang?
Well, he's got a wagonload of scientists with
him, with microscopes and searchlights...
- Oh, I'm sunk. I give up.
- Get out of bed.
No, no. Let them arrest
me and put me in prison.
Well, you won't hate me so
much if I'm behind bars.
Listen, my dying swan. This
is no time to stop faking.
You're gonna have pneumonia, and
you're gonna have it good.
Why, you want me to stand in front
of the window and catch cold?
No, that would take too long.
We gotta raise your pulse to 160. Quick.
We gotta have you a-gasping, panting
and covered with a cold sweat
inside of five minutes.
- How?
- How? I don't... Fight. Fight!
Come on. Come on, Delilah,
up with your dukes.
Oh, I can't. I'm sick
of faking and lying.
Take that ice pack off
your head and fight.
No, no, what's the use?
Why fool them any longer?
Because I love you.
Because I'm going to marry you.
And I don't wanna spend my
honeymoon hanging around Sing-Sing
blowing kisses to you
in the exercise yard!
Come on, stop dogging it. You've
got to be bathed in perspiration!
- Come on, get going, you little crook!
- Who's a crook?!
You and your crooked
That's my baby! Come on, keep
moving, snake brains. Come on.
I'll kill you! Dragging me around like
I was a prize pig with a blue ribbon!
There's no blue ribbons on you, baby.
Just a big yellow sign marked "fake".
I'm a fake, huh? I'm a fake? What are you?
And that phony Santa Claus, Oliver Stone?
Slobbering and drooling all over me...
That's for the Heroines of History!
Mh-hm. And that's
for your Aunt Mary!
Come on. Keep moving,
my little fraud.
I'm not gonna forgive you as long as I live!
I'll just hate you, I'll just hate you...
Let go of me! Let go of me!
Oh, I hate you!
You're gonna have plenty
of reason to hate me.
I'm gonna show you cards and spades
in lying for the next fifty years.
I'm gonna pay you back for
every lie you told.
I'm gonna flirt and lie and cheat and swindle
right through to our Golden Wedding.
- Yeah, yeah. Let me hit you just once.
- All right. Come on.
Yep. That's it. Come on, keep coming.
Faster. Faster. Come on.
Keep coming. Faster. Faster. That's it.
Keep swinging. That's the girl. That's it.
- What's the matter? Come on.
- Oh, I'm getting dizzy.
Well, that's fine. That's fine. Now
listen to me, and listen carefully.
When you come to, I want you
to remember what I'm saying.
- What do you mean, come to?
- I mean, when you regain consciousness.
I want you to switch thermometers. Put
the hot one in your mouth, you get me?
Yeah, yeah. Let me
sock you just once.
Just once on the jaw, and
I don't care what happens.
All right. Come on.
I just heard the elevator door. They're
coming. Don't forget about the thermometer.
- Yeah, yeah.
- All right. Say good night to Papa now.
Why? What are you gonna do?
You put up a nice fight, Wally.
You mean to say you
saw the whole thing?
From the beginning, Mr. Cook.
You mean to say you stood there and
let me beat up a defenseless woman?
- I did, Mr. Cook.
- Where's your sense of chivalry?
My chivalry? Aren't you just a trifle
confused, Mr. Cook? You hit her!
That's entirely different. I love her!
Water. Water! I'm on fire!
I'm hot as a coal...
Well, you can cool off now, Hazel.
The jig is up.
What? What?!
The jig is up!
You mean to say the whole thing was...
was for... was for nothing?
Yeah, I'm sorry...
You thought you could put one
over on Oliver Stone, eh?
- Well, I guess I still know a fake when I...
- You keep out of this!
- Wally...
- Yes, dear?
Oh, Wally. I didn't mean to do it, I didn't
mean to do it. I love you, I love you...
Miss Flagg, I wonder if you're aware of
the traditions of a great newspaper.
Do you realize what it means to those who
carry aloft the torch of journalism?
From the highest editor
to the lowest office boy
the life-blood of a newspaper,
Miss Flagg, is its integrity.
Am I right, Wally?
Word for word.
I wrote that speech for
you ten years ago
At the Cleveland
convention, you remember?
You can both talk all you want.
I've made up my mind.
Your what?
- I'm through.
- What do you mean, you're through?
I'm gonna confess. I'm going back
to Warsaw. They love me there.
They don't hit me on the jaw
and push me in rivers...
But you can't confess.
Do you realize that out there are some of
the most important citizens of this town?
All of those people are out there by
special invitation from the Morning Star.
And why? To pass on to the people of
New York, to the people of the world
your last words.
- For instance?
- Ah, this is no time for sarcasm, Wally.
You got me into this, you get me out.
Use your brain.
Mine's stunned.
Where's Dr. Downer? Where's
that weasel-hearted medico?
He's been on a toot.
We could use him. We could
throw him to the wolves.
Just when we need
him, he isn't here.
I got an idea. We can bury her.
Like they do in India.
You know, like the Yogis. We can stick
a tube down for her to breathe through
and dig her up in the
morning with no harm done.
- Nothing doing ...!
- Wally! Stop her! Stop her!
- I'm a... I'm a...
- Stop her!
I'm a fake, I'm a phony, I'm not gonna die.
I was never gonna die.
I never had radium poisoning,
I never had anything.
I wanted a trip to New
York, and I got it.
And what's more, you and
New York can go... fine!
- Mr. Stone, is this true?
- Uh... uh... yes.
Well, this is terrible. Terrible. I
endorsed this thing. I sponsored this girl.
I gave her the key to the city.
And just as an election was coming up.
Here's your key. I won't
be needing it anymore.
Miss Flagg, I represent
100,000 young matrons.
We switched a whole study course
from "The Menace of Communism"
to "The Inspiration of Hazel Flagg".
Miss Flagg. The Girlfriends of the Forest
have just organized a Hazel Flagg Unit
With me as Chief Ranger.
Already, we are 4,000 members.
If you persist in flaunting your
recovery in this flagrant manner
The trees of America will
be without girlfriends.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Morning
Star keeps faith with its readers.
This thing must not get out.
Oh, let me alone. I wish
I really could die...
Go someplace by myself and...
and die alone!
Like an elephant!
Happy, Mr. Cook?
Ecstatic, Mrs. Cook.
I know what you're gonna say.
You think I'm Hazel Flagg.
Well, I'm getting sick and tired of
people mistaking me for that fake!
Fake? Young woman, how dare you
speak of Hazel Flagg as a fake?
How dare you slur the memory of one of
the most gallant girls that ever lived?
Despite you and your kind the world
will never forget Hazel Flagg.
That's what I'm afraid of.
Don't worry, baby. Two months from now,
they won't know who Hazel Flagg was.
They'll find another elephant.
Darling, you're forgetting that everybody
in New York knew me and loved me.
Loved me for my courage,
my brave smile in the face of...
Well, after all, I was a
pretty important person.
Just a flash in the pan of Manhattan.
And they were beginning
to get pretty impatient
at the way you were
dragging the thing out.
That's a lie, and you know it.
Why, right now, millions of people
are crying just thinking about me.
Why don't you get wise
to yourself, Hazel?
You're just another freak, like the
Bearded Lady, Jo-Jo the Dog-face...
- Take that back, or I'll...
- Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.
Hazel! Hazel!
Yes, Enoch. What is it?
Run for your life!
Run for your life!
The whole town is flooded!