Notzilla (2020) Movie Script

- Ah, what's that?
- Huh, it's nothing.
Come on, mioko.
- Giant monster.
- Thank you, professor.
The information you give us
will help us kill the monster.
Prepare the boys!
- No, general, please.
You must not kill mama notzilla.
She's only trying to protect her eggs!
You asked for my help and...
- And you gave it.
She is too big.
We must kill her, proctologist.
- Paleontologist.
Proctologist is a doctor who looks at...
But that doesn't matter.
She's only big because
she ate fermented berries
on mount sakitumi.
Let me find a way to make
her her true size again!
- Out of the way, girly man!
Yes, general.
Mama notzilla!
It is my fault, my fault.
I will save your baby.
Is a sign.
Ohio means hello.
I would not let you out of sight,
little kaiju.
Is pinkie promise.
Oh, I think I make big mistake.
Papa-San would say I'm a fool.
- Ichihiro Honda.
- Papa-San?
You are.
- Yes, papa-San, it's true.
But I promised mama monster that...
- You cannot bring that egg to america.
They still haven't forgiven us for kudzu.
- I am sorry, papa-San.
I know I was big,
disappointment to you, but...
Foreign article!
Sorry, tiny soap.
Sorry, tiny kaiju.
- Third time today and it's only 9:15.
Blasted manly beard.
- So following today's test
of reactor core number 66,
as long as it doesn't melt down we'll...
Just look at you.
Every man admires you and
every woman desires you.
How can anybody do science
when you look like that?
- Please, Shirley girly.
I understand why you feel this way
but no more of this
inappropriate behavior.
- I'm sorry, what, Dr. Blowheart?
- Just don't let it happen again.
- What?
- And say, lose the coke bottles.
None of the boom boys...
- Physicists.
- Like the way they look.
- Well, I need them to read the charts.
- Well, okay.
But do the lip quiver.
I love it when you do that.
It's so you.
All right, you can keep the glasses
but only when you're
dressed as a physicist.
- I am a physicist.
- Listen, I said I'd make you a boom boy
and I will.
Just let nurture take its course.
- Say, under an hour.
We're cooking with...
Now, what's it called again?
- Plutonium 239.
- Right, hard to remember.
They should call it
something like wow powder.
I brought you something.
Oh I'm just funnin'.
But really.
The mensch of mensches.
- Skol! Our lives have meaning again.
- Please, please, gentlemen.
I understand your odor.
- Ardor.
- But we have science to do.
How is my favorite Swedish physicist?
- Actually, I'm from mankato,
don't you know.
It's in Minnesota.
That's German.
- Oh, I can feel it.
Today is the day.
First there was the a bomb.
Then Truman personally asked me to oversee
the b, c, d, and e bombs.
He let off a lot of f bombs.
- Hah-hah! Hilarious.
First Jerry Lewis, now you.
Tres brilliant!
He's French.
- Yeah.
- Then there was the h bomb.
It was followed by the k,
j, I, I...
- Dr. Shortman, have you
calibrated your plutonium rods?
- That's a rather personal question.
Does that even mean anything?
- No!
- Oh!
- Wait, is that estrogen I smell?
Why, it could cause a
hormonal explosion, men.
- Think about it, men.
Assuming reactor number
66 doesn't explode...
- Like reactors one through 65.
- This is what men and
a few unattractive women
in pantsuits have dreamed
of since the garden of Eden.
Unlimited power!
- I think what Dr. Blowheart's...
- Let's do science, people!
Everyone, attach anti-radiation devices.
Now, engaging
in quasi-scientific jargon
Dr. Mungish, eyeball
hydro-peppy killo-wowsers.
- Inspect the structural integrity
of the hydro-electric units.
- Might to do that.
- Dr. Shortman, check
foghorn leghorn deportment
in Chuck Jones mode, adjusting
for rude condescension.
- Confirm the radiation levels
in the containment sleeves.
- Yup.
- Dr. Bloch, rotate radial tires
with counterrevolutionary
turbine porridge ratio.
- I'm sorry, I don't even
know what that one is.
- I'll just flip through
these toggle switches.
- Dr. Butay, check my demeanor
with torrid tomes of taunting technology.
- Oui, I will check you
very good, Dr. Blowheart.
- Why do I find it so attractive
when he does that?
Commencing countdown in 10,
nine, eight, seven,
six, five, four...
- Ah, close enough!
Commence self-throwing.
- Another meltdown.
- Oof, da.
- That dog'll never hunt.
- Ha!
Biggest one yet.
Time to beat feet, toots.
- I'm afraid if we keep increasing
plutonium levels, we'll...
- Did you know plutonium's symbol is pu?
I love that.
Yes, I did.
Wait, what's that?
Is it reptilian?
- Could be democrat.
- Well, it must've been shaken loose
from the subterranean shelf.
- It's not even easter yet.
- But what period?
- Probably 1920s.
They were big on red.
- Jurassic?
- Park.
- I'll X-ray it.
- Well, we can talk about this at dinner
along with my plans for atomic testes.
- Testing.
- Yes, and that's how
you're behaving right now.
- Testy?
Uh, I'm sorry.
I just need a life of my
own, doctor, I mean, mister.
- Come on, Shirley girly.
Where's that little giggle I love?
That is so you.
Okay, mack.
Four-way chili with
beans and no silverware
'cause you got...
- Chopstick. Hai.
- Hi.
- No, sorry "hai" means...
Yeah, I know.
Just teasin'.
You've been in here every day for a week.
Ever eat at another restaurant?
- There is other restaurant?
Well, tanoshi.
- Madam, wait.
You know Japanese?
- Looked it up, professor.
- You know I am professor?
It's alive.
- What is?
I'll be sure not to order it.
- The egg.
The X-ray showed movement.
I can't tell what species it is
but it's definitely a living dinosaur.
- Wow, probably not a lot of those.
- None.
- Nuns?
No, Cincinnati's got lots of those.
It's very catholic.
- Dinosaurs.
There are definitely no
living dinosaurs in Ohio.
- Make that america, doc.
- Whoa, it's over there, fella.
Tell tojo we won.
- You beakers need to meet this guy.
- Hai.
- Well, at least he speaks English.
- He's a paleontologist.
- How you know this?
- This waitress thing
is just temp, professor.
I'm an investigative reporter
and I don't do fluff neither.
I know a scoop when I see it.
- So how come sometimes
I'm stopped up for days
and other times I erupt
like mount rushmore?
- No, but that's a proctologist.
- This is Dr. Richard blowheart,
renowned nuclear physicist.
And i'm...
- Shirley yujest.
- Yujest, Dr. Shirley yujest,
Dr. Blowheart's assistant.
- I am professor ichihiro Honda.
- Honda?
Like the tiny motorcycles?
- Yes, sir.
But soon they make automobile.
Like those will
ever replace studebaker.
Yes, it is my notzilla.
I mean it is a notzilla.
- So it's some kinda hemorrhoid.
- Do you know what species
it is, professor Honda?
- Yes.
It's notzillasaurus.
Partiontilldon, normally small,
about size of, say, a
man in a rubber suit.
It is not.
- A Nancy boy?
- Harmless.
But if exposed to alcohol,
it suddenly grow very big.
- Funny, the opposite happens to me.
- So how often do you get
these giant monsters in Japan, professor?
- About every two weeks.
- Well, listen, itchy, that's swell
but this is the usa.
Ego, we don't have a
problem with giant monsters.
- Kaiju.
- Gesundheit.
- Arigatou.
We do important stuff
here like blow things up.
- Well, it would be good to know more.
- Can you show me where you find egg?
- If you want.
Yes, I very want.
He's your boyfriend, Dr. Blowheart?
No, no.
I mean I have a great respect for him.
He's my boss and a war hero.
When the Germans blew
up our lab in Europe,
he was the only one to make it out alive.
He saved thousands of government documents
that became the basis
for what we do at snugi.
Would you like to see snugi?
- Snugi's big pillow?
- Um, no.
Secret nuclear underground
government installation.
There's a science briefing
tomorrow at 8 A.M.
I can put your name on the list.
I'll write my home address on here,
you know, in case we need to...
- Connect?
- Oh, and that's where we found the egg.
You said it was a notzillasaurus?
A species of flatulizard
from late bodacious period.
I show you.
You see.
They are yasashii...
Gentle and in control
as long as they do not
eat fermented berries.
- Aren't we all?
- Attention, snugi employees.
Please remove all radioactive materials
from pockets and underwear
before leaving.
Good night.
- Oh, you're gonna need
a bigger lampshade.
- This is Dr. Shirley yujest,
actual, legitimate nuclear physicist.
Please leave a message.
- It's blowheart.
Where are you?
This is the third time I've called.
I haven't eaten yet.
We need to do research
and bring food.
That's an ordeal.
Look, you wanna be a scientist or not?
You little lush-a-saurus you.
Oh you want some of this?
Huh, you want some of this, huh?
Oh yah, yeah, you want some more?
Uh huh?
You go, huh.
This is why I never share.
"Of all the gin joints in all the towns"
"in all the world."
"The jig is up, professor depravo."
"I'm Dougie dougwood, boy genius."
"I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. Demille."
What, oh!
- Dr. Blowheart, are you there?
- I'm here, Shirley girly.
Is that a
dinosaur in your pocket
or are you just happy to see me?
It's alive.
It hatched.
Hiro will be so, I mean, professor Honda,
will be so excited.
And he's kinda cute.
I mean the creature of course.
But how did he get so big?
You didn't give him beer, did you?
- Well, it's about time you got here.
Help me get ready for the briefing.
I need a shaver.
Heck, I need a machete.
- What if he escapes from your office?
- If he does, he's so grounded.
- Attention.
Drs. Mothra and rodan.
Please meet Dr. Gorgo
from britain in the lobby.
- For sure.
- Oh, there he is.
Genius, genius,
genius, genius...
- Please.
- Genius.
- Please.
Today you will see our insanely
impressive nuclear facility,
built with obscene amounts
of government funding.
Everything here at snugi has been built
to flawless standards.
- Oh!
- Wow.
- Look at that.
- Each of our uber-fission reactors
emits a thousand times more radiation
than the state-of-the-art facility planned
for three mile island.
- Oh!
- Please be calm.
Had that been serious, the
actual room would be shaking.
For your protection, Dr.
mungish will now give you
something to make you look
cooler than you actually are.
- Eh, bon jour,
- I am Dr. Jacques butay.
Please follow my manly
gait to the snugi cafeteria
where we have a great
barbecue planned for you
courtesy of reactor core number 66.
- Oye.
- I know, right?
- What happened?
- All I said was
gee, someone oughta go out for more beer.
- You do not give beer to baby
especially baby notzilla.
- Notzilla?
I was gonna call him Barney.
- There's two things I wanna know.
What creature made that?
This is only the beginning.
I love that line.
We must meet at restaurant
to form keikaku,
a plan, to save notzilla.
- Or kill him.
- What was the other thing?
- Aren't we supposed
to be like 500 stories
under the ground?
- I mean, massive quantities of radiation
I can live with
but a dino who bogarts the brew, never.
What is it about these things?
- I mean no
bujoku, Dr. Blowheart-San.
- No bujoku tooken.
- Taken.
- But if you have not
given beer to notzilla...
- Barney.
- Notzilla.
This genus of dinosaur has slow metabolism
until it consume alcohol.
Then its pituitary gland become bulbous.
- So basically my whole teens.
- And it grow ohhhki...
- Like "the amazing 60-foot woman"
"with the college degree" only less scary.
- No, bigger.
Big like skies...
- Skye terrier.
- Skyscraper.
- My aunt myrtle had one of those.
Not that big though.
- Is the effect reversible, Dr. Honda?
- Yes.
But in Japan, army always kill monster
before I can do urinalysis.
- This is no time to
talk about my feelings.
We gotta find this thing.
- But where do we find it?
- I couldn't help but
overhear about the monster.
This is our busboy,
Bobby bleech from Kentucky.
He overheard you, too, and...
- Wait, you both overheard us?
This is top secret stuff.
I mean, we work in a
500-story subterrarium.
- Subterranean complex.
- Full of nuclear reactors,
each powerful enough to
destroy the earth 10 times over
and absolutely no one must know about it.
Who else overheard?
- Tell him what you heard, Bobby.
- Hi y'all.
Ooh wee.
A foreign feller?
- Spit it out, kid.
- Well, I overheard y'all
talking about a big old lizard
that sucked up a heap of suds.
- Sucked up a heap of my suds.
- And then he broke out of y'all's office
and went looking for more?
- Yes.
- Dang, ain't those just the best?
- I know, right?
- Tell 'em about the phone call, Bobby.
- Oh right.
Well, 'bout an hour ago, my grandpa,
I live with my grandpa
down near kowabunga bay,
he calls and says some big old critter
just like the one y'all's talking about,
it took all our beer!
- Taken.
- We must go there at once.
- I'll call a cab.
- Well, butter my button,
call me a biscuit.
Look at what he done done to our garage.
- Only a monster could do this.
- It's not so bad.
- Are you blind?
Open your eyes.
- If he was blind, how would that help?
- Was he raised in a barn?
- In egg actually.
- Look.
He left the front door open.
- I do not think notzilla did that.
- Check inside.
I bet he left the toilet seat up
and the lights on.
- Why would he do this to our garage?
- Did he take anything, Bobby?
I'll just go check on the fan belt.
- What did he take?
- I don't reckon he actually...
Yeah, he did.
Grandpa's beer.
He taked it all.
- Took, go on.
- Grandpa, he likes having
a little beer around
on them cold kowabunga nights.
- How much?
- 'Bout 80 or 90 cases.
He has a lot of girls around.
Wait, where is he?
What's this?
- Where?
- Over here.
- Ah ha.
It's just as I suspected.
The monster has grown...
Lots bigger.
This is actually what I want.
- What is it, itchy?
Mmm, tastes like beer only salty and warm.
- He has gone to river.
- What, did he leave a note?
- No.
His species is born in water.
River will remind him of his mother.
- Aww.
- Also, as you say, blowheart-San,
it's lot bigger.
Do you have boat?
- Yes, we have boat.
I mean, yes, snugi has a research ship.
- He must be stopped.
This is only the beginning.
- How often does he say that?
- Dr. Bloch, did you bring the
prestidigious shooty device?
- Animal tranquilizer gun.
- Oh, for sure.
- What?
- Yah, you betcha.
- Great.
- Actually, I do not think Dr. Bloch
is Swedish, blowheart-San.
I think he's black American person.
- What?
Scientists are white and male.
Dr. Bloch is a first class scientist,
ego, he's white.
Next you're gonna try to tell me
that someone on my team is a female!
Dr. Butay, did you load the
extraterrestrial webby-grabber?
- Animal capture net.
- I do not need a translation,
female assistant person.
I speak manly nuclear physicist fluently!
Check, Dr. Blowheart!
- Are we ready, skipper?
Where's our normal captain?
- He's out sick.
This is captain bleech.
Bleech, huh?
- Ooh, it feels about 150 pounds heavier
than it did in the lab.
- 117.
- What is it?
A radar.
- Correction.
It is a super-secret
atomic radar percolator.
- Device.
No, just device.
It's okay.
- Most impressive.
What does it do?
- The same thing as a normal radar
except it's atomic.
- Ego, it's better.
Ah, there's nothing more bracing
than the smell of salt water.
- He knows this is river, yes?
- Time to do science, people.
Dr. Butay, man the webby wobbler.
- Oui, Dr. Blowheart.
I will man the capture nets
in the most masculine of manly ways.
- Oy.
- Oh ho ho.
- Blowheart-San, I fear net is too small.
I have calculated notzilla
consumed 28,000 liters
of fermented yeast molecule.
- Plus all that beer.
- From his urinalysis,
I conclude that alcohol
work like fission.
It causes his cells to...
- Swell?
- Yes.
- No, nothing's swell
about it, Shirley girly.
Anything on the super-secret...
- Radar?
No, nothing yet, doctor.
Maybe it's the antenna.
Had that trouble with my TV.
Or it could be
the urinary decatheter.
- Wait, wait, there are
two objects very near.
Actually they're here.
- How many thin mints?
Well, itchy, it looks
like your little iguana
wasn't so swell after all.
Time to call it a night.
- I'm picking something up.
- Big deal, so am I.
- Yes, I see him!
- How close?
- Really close.
Look, it is notzilla.
And busboy.
- Oh, Bobby hid in that barrel.
Wait, why is there a
barrel of nuclear waste?
- We missed Thursday's trash pick up.
- Blowheart-San, notzilla swell very good.
- Pikachu!
Mmm, no, no, no, no, no.
- Notzilla, you killed my grandpa
and now you're gonna pay.
- Bobby.
- Grandpa?
- Come on, paly, lose
the heat and be cool.
- Whoa.
Oh ho ho.
- He's too big for river.
He's going to shore now.
- I just picked him up on the radar.
- You mean the super-secret...
- Yeah, yeah.
And it looks...
- Yes?
- It looks like...
- Yes?
- I looks like he's headed for...
- Yes?
- Cincinnati!
- I knew it.
That always happens.
- The music or
the bit about the monster
heading for the city?
- Both.
And I'm the one to stop him.
This is only the beginning.
- That's like the 10th
time he's said that.
- I told you, I don't wanna
play strip scrabble, Larry.
- I bring strange red egg from Japan
then I accidentally flush
it down airplane toilet.
- I sorta guessed.
Would you like to...
- Sorry, nervous make me thirsty.
This is terrible.
- Yeah, it's new.
They call it diet soda.
- It tastes like...
- Dinosaur pee.
- Kinda like beer only salty.
- And warm.
Hiro, why would you come
all the way to america just to...
- Save egg?
My father was soldier who kill many men.
He always say,
I hate he call me this.
"Real man kill."
He always make me feel shame
for not wanting to kill.
But I always thought even as boy
no, papa-San, real man does not kill.
Real man saves.
And so I dedicate my life
to save creature no one else...
- Understands?
- Hai. Yes.
I know is not manly but...
- Hiro, I think it's the most manly thing
I've ever heard.
My dad was a geologist.
He always said to follow
your heart.
- Heart go out of chest?
- No, it's an expression.
But he died when I was 10.
And then mom said,
"Shirley, be more like a girl."
And then I majored in
physics and she said,
"girls can't be scientists."
And Dr. Blowheart says the same thing.
- He's right.
Girl cannot be scientist.
- But I thought you would...
- Only woman can be scientist.
I mean, Richard.
I mean, Dr. Blowheart.
Dr. Shirley yujest.
I'll never be accepted
as a real nuclear physicist without him.
- Shirley girly, where are you?
Pick up, I need you!
Let's see.
Ah, we don't have a budget for that.
Well, Pentagon.
- Pentagon.
- Yes, this is Dr. Richard blowheart,
legendary nuclear physicist.
- Hold please.
- Wait, I don't think you realize
who you're talking to.
fly me to ft. Wayne
let me play amongst the corn
hey let me see
- what love is like
- catchy.
In peoria and des moines
- Sorry, satanists again.
They wanted the pentagram.
Your dime.
- Yes, I need to speak to the head
of the U.S. armed forces.
- Yeah,
well, the head and the feet
and even those useless little hairs
that you get in your
ears of the armed forces
are all in a meeting.
Some kind of kerfuffle in Cuba.
- Look, I happen to be
head of a atomic testes
for all of southwest Ohio, ego, I...
- Putting you through.
- What?
To who?
- Try changing the filter.
- What?
This is Dr. Richard blowheart.
Who's this?
- Dr. Richard blowheart?
- No, I am.
Who is this really?
- This is four-star frigid
air general dirk bogus.
- Brigadier general?
- No, frigid air general.
I'm head of military refrigeration
for all of southwestern Ohio.
Very strategic.
- Oh.
Well, I need to speak
to whoever's in charge.
- Hello?
That would be me.
- Oh, I see.
Well, we have a little monster problem.
Make that a big monster problem
with serious flatulence.
Ego, we're gonna need
some ginormous firepower
and some legendary heroic action.
- Yes!
- What?
- I'll round up the firepower!
- Great, I'll bring the bean dip!
- Ciao, baby.
- Kenny?
- Uncle dirk?
- You still want to be a filmmaker?
- Dude, I thought you were gonna
wipe out on that last curl,
but you totally slotted it!
That's totally gonna be a thing.
You're gonna score yourself
beaucoup brew, dude!
Don't od, you party animal!
Oh man, the dino shreds!
- You brought the tripod, right?
Please, uncle b.
Does francois truffaut forget his tripod?
Ah, colonel stickler.
What's our firepower?
- 17 tanks, 13 rocket launchers,
and a dozen fighter jets en route, sir.
- Good.
And are the extras, I mean,
what do you call them?
The troops, amassed?
- 650 on dookie hill.
- Tough soldiers?
- All made out of the
same high quality polymer
as the artillery.
Plus more arriving as we speak.
- You getting this, Kenny?
- Hello?
- How many arriving?
- Hard to say.
- And my co-star?
- I'm sorry, sir?
- The dinosaur, darn it!
- Oh, he's been spotted a mile away.
- How's the light, Kenny?
Warm, sanguine,
perfect contrast to the impending carnage.
But we gotta roll now or
we're gonna lose our irony.
- You heard him.
Cue talent, cue irony!
- But I can't just...
Right, sir.
Colonel mustard, fire a rocket volley
to draw the, uh, talent's attention.
- Yes, sir.
- Closer.
It was an ironic, sang...
- Sanguine.
- Sanguine morning when dirk bogus,
four-star general...
When dirk bogus faced the monster from...
- The pit!
- Pittsburgh!
- No!
- General bogus, he's here,
and I think he's seen us!
Yes, he definitely has.
- Excellent.
- Rocket launchers, now!
He's bouncing them around as
if they were nothing but toys!
- What about the soldiers?
- Sir, if the rockets can't stop him,
I don't see how bullets...
- Use bigger bullets!
Fire, men!
How's it look, Kenny?
- Good fear, people!
- Sir, the jets are here!
He got us!
- We got him!
- And now he's heading for Cincinnati!
- We must go there immediately.
- Right, sir!
- And develop this footage!
- I'm here to save the...
- Good evening.
A huge imported monster
broke through our dookie defense today
and is believed to be
headed towards Cincinnati.
Ooo, lovely fuchsia sunrise, general!
- Oh, thanks.
Thanks, I call it sanguine.
- Is it true you plan
to capture the monster?
- Not just capture him.
I want to capture his,
I want to...
- His essence.
I want to capture his essence,
the darkness that lives
inside each one of us,
- the primal yearning to...
- Primitive yearning...
- In other news, troop
336 sold a record number
of thin mints this week!
I will save you!
- I will crush you!
- No, it's bogus.
- What is?
- I am.
- No kidding!
You said 8 A.M.
I show up 10 minutes late, 10 minutes,
and no one's there!
- Right.
So, listen, this is a little embarrassing,
but we had a little trouble
with your monster today
and, well, now all the stores are closed
and Amazon hasn't been invented yet,
so I was wondering if you had
any super-secret
atomic weapons lying around.
- Well, I'd have to look
around and see if...
Why, yes, of course, what was I thinking?
We have a super-secret atomic weapon here.
We'd have to build a
full-sized version of it
or get down low and look up.
You know how when you get down really low
and you look up at something
it's like, oh wow, it's so big!
- Great!
Can you bring it to...
- Oh no you don't, bogus boy!
I operate this baby myself!
I'm the hero here!
- Well, I hope it backfires
in your face, Mr. Poopyface!
- That's Dr. Mr. Poopyface to you!
- Hello, my name is ichihiro Honda.
You kill my monster.
Prepare to...
- Itchy.
Itchy, you are not a true man!
- Papa-San?
Please, I cannot be you.
- Itchy, you'll never be a real man!
- Blowheart-San?
Please, I cannot...
- Itchy...
- Do not call me itchy!
I am Hiro!
I wish I did not skip karate
class in high school now.
- Itchy?
You look so calm
and so clean-shaven.
- Zen.
- Really?
Listen, I know things have
been strained between us.
- Strained?
We're talking baby poo.
It's time to quit
pussyfooting around and kill
that pet iguana of yours.
It's a threat to mankind!
- You are threat to mankind!
- It's ugly and gassy!
- You are ugly and gassy!
- It's a toy truck dressed in
pink polka-dotted pantaloons!
- You are toy truck in...
Made you say it!
wow, you're just so immature!
I can't believe
I like ever even let you hang out with me!
Listen to us.
You're right.
I don't have time for this.
I have a super-secret uber-fission
mega-blaster to build!
- What is this blaster?
- It's a nuclear canon that
shoots 200 radioactive rays
with more firepower than the
entire peloponnesian wars!
Or one of those wars.
- And this is safe?
- It'll leave a radioactive
cloud over Cincinnati
for about 50 years but after that
you'll never even know it was there.
Anyway, it's for my...
It's for their own good.
- You are completely crazy person!
- Real men kill, itchy.
- No, papa-San!
- Papa who?
- Hoo!
Why did I skip karate class?
I win 5th grade composition contest!
I have black belt in haiku!
- Haiku?
Isn't that...
- Japanese poetry, yes.
And is devastating when delivered
by 5th grade master!
Each falling leaf
is like a butterfly
whose life has reached conclusion.
Why does my old dog
who has no eyes see more
than I shall ever see?
- God, I love dogs.
The boy stood on the burning deck!
- How many summers shall leave
before the winter stays for evermore?
Is about death.
- I know, I just figured that out.
"Listen my children and you shall hear"
"of the midnight ride of..."
- Warriors storm castle, but hearts
can only be conquered
with arrows of love.
"- Here I sit brokenhearted, tried..."
I give!
Your words are so sparse
and yet so profoundly
infused with meaning.
- I will stop you
and save notzilla!
Fine, and I guess we can't be friends!
Finding targets.
I shall return.
Dr. Blowheart.
When we started snugi you
said I'd be a physicist
within three months.
But it's been three years,
three years, and yet
I realize I still need you to teach me
how to be a real scientist.
Plus, you're so insanely handsome!
- Please, Shirley girly, i'm
happy to be your role model,
but no more of this
inappropriate behavior!
- Stop, stop it!
Stop it!
First of all, I don't need
you to be my role model!
Second, it's ergo, not ego
as in let the air go out of your ego.
And third, my last name isn't girly!
- I don't think of you as just a Shirley.
With that girly little giggle of yours
and that little lip quiver.
- That you make me do!
I hate those!
- But they're so you!
- You know what?
You're right.
- I am?
- Yeah, and I don't think
of you as a Richard, either.
- Really.
- No.
You're really more of a dick.
- Ha.
- Oh!
- I should go back and apologize.
But if I don't, I'll, mmm...
Be more
like a girl, Shirley!
- I am a girl, mom!
And a scientist!
But he treats me more like,
like I'm his personal geisha!
Isn't that what you are?
- No!
I could never look at myself like that.
- You are not a true man!
- What?
Who are you?
- Sorry, wrong mirror.
- Larry, I told you, I don't want to...
I was just talking to your father.
Yes, because I kick him
out of my reflection.
Would you like a glass of...
- Dinosaur pee?
- Tonight "8 1/2 samurai" is
on public service television!
It is sequel to my favorite movie!
- Oh, well, good.
I could use a break from
destroying my career.
- Tomorrow I face certain death.
As my personal geisha,
you will comfort me.
- You smell like a sumo wrestler
so you will take a bath.
- You will bathe
me, little lotus bottom.
And it is lotus blossom!
Stop it!
This is my fantasy!
Why do I always
have to translate everything that you say?
- Huh, perhaps it is
because we are dubbed?
- No, in real life, you idiot.
Wait, that's why you keep
me as your assistant.
You can't be you without me!
It doesn't make any sense.
No, it doesn't.
- Wait... something is...
- Off?
- Yes.
You're not your true self.
- Who's not their true self?
You're not?
I'm not?
No, you're not!
Stop it!
No, you stop it!
- What?
How did I get here?
And where is here?
Oh, downtown.
- Shirley girly!
- Uh, eww!
Helpless girl-scream.
Stop it!
- Shirley girly.
- Bad monster!
- Hiro, no!
You can't stop him alone!
I'll help you!
But first, I have to be my true self,
my true self,
my true self,
- Shirley, Shirley.
My true self - Shirley!
- My true self.
You have dream.
- My true self, my true self.
Wait, but it wasn't a dream.
You were there,
and Richard was there,
and an atm,
and Tokyo too.
- Tokyo?
- Oh, wait.
It was Cincinnati.
- What is an atm?
- I have no idea.
But Richard was attacking the city.
Notzilla's not the monster, Richard is!
And his blaster's going to
destroy everyone in Cincinnati!
You, you called me Shirley-chan.
- Is nickname you give someone
you have much feeling for.
- Oh, I have much feeling
for you too, Hiro.
But first we have to save notzilla
and stop Richard!
- But your career?
- Oh, I'll worry about that in a sequel.
But right now, I have to be my true self!
- Yes, yes!
But how?
Beer has made his cells blew up.
I tried to unify his cells and
return him to his true size,
to make formula for reverse beer.
But so far I fail.
I need catalyst.
- Fusion!
My theory for warm fusion!
Fusion holds stars together.
Did you know that?
And people too.
- Before I thought I have no power,
but now I think I do!
- Ooh!
I very like this warm fusion!
- Me too!
- Cool.
- Do you know
what time it is?
- You have to help me save the world!
We have only one day left!
- Ach!
I have this book too!
But I got stuck on the last chapter.
- This is last chapter!
- Well, it's about time!
- This must be ready...
- By tomorrow!
- Tomorrow?
Without testing?
There are 200 plutonium
rods in that barrel.
If they aim uncontrolled...
- A ooda ooda.
Come on, Lars.
- It's bjorn.
And I'm not from Sweden.
- Hey, who is nominated for
the nobel war prize, huh?
- There's a nobel war prize?
- I am missing "8 1/2 samurai"!
Why do we have to do this?
- My heart broke when
"midwestern hayride" went off.
- So we can kill that beer-stealing iguana
and introduce the world
to my uber-fission power, that's why!
Oh, yeah, and so you don't lose your jobs
right before Christmas!
- It's August.
- Which is Christmas in Sweden!
Right, bjork?
- We will build it, I promise,
oh manly, stubble-faced leader!
And it will be the best
uber-fission mega-blaster ever!
- Well, yeah, because it's the only...
- Oh, he'll never get past this field!
There he is, sir.
- Are you getting this, Kenny?
- Like a match to celluloid.
- Hmm.
- You idiot!
I told you to mine the
field, mine the field!
- Hiro?
- Richard.
- It's me, Pearl.
You're not gonna believe what
I discovered about blowfish.
But I can't tell you on the phone
because that would undercut
the dramatic build-up.
So get over to Gus's now!
What's that?
- A list of ways to kill Richard.
- You're gonna like him even
less when you hear this.
I'm guessing you'll be looking for a job.
As a woman nuclear physicist?
- Oh, I understand.
Me, I got a double glass ceiling.
I'm a woman
and I'm from New Jersey.
- What can you tell me
that I don't already loathe
about Richard blowheart?
- Not much, since he
died April 1st of 1945.
- What?
- In Liechtenstein, testing
his uber-fission mega-blaster.
The entire research center
went wigi-wigi kabunga-schlacht!
The only other survivor
was blowheart's chauffeur.
Breathe, honey.
- He's having the team
build a mega-blaster!
- Yeah, I know.
- You know?
- Yep, just like I know
you're about to say...
- I have to stop them!
And Hiro has to save notzilla!
- And I've gotta tell the world about it.
- Bring up your rear!
Now fall back!
- This is it, men, I...
Our last bastard of defense!
- Bastion.
- Last bastard of bastion.
If the monster makes it into the city,
we face impossible odds.
One way streets, rush hour traffic.
- Sir, the creature is approaching!
- If we fail to stop him here,
there'll be more bloodshed, and I,
four-star general dirk bogus,
simply will not allow
that to happen!
- Actually, sir, no one has died.
It's almost as if the
monster were just playing.
- Not on my watch.
Not on my watch!
Is the grid ready?
- Yes, sir!
Just turned it on.
2,000 kilowatts, and no mimes in sight.
He'll look like fried goetta the second
he touches that tower!
There he is!
Wait, where did that blimp come from?
- Hmm.
- He likes it!
Ha, I knew it!
My team is finishing my
uber-fission mega-blaster
even as we speak.
Ergo, I'm the one to end
this massive bloodshed
once and for all!
- You and whose army?
- There hasn't been any actual blood...
- Shut up!
- Wait!
- What, I don't hear anything.
- That's just it!
I always wanted to say that!
- Ooh.
What's that, oh!
It's just a cat.
You want a cigarette?
- Sure.
Got a light?
Oh oh oh!
Hey, Ann, come here.
Take a look at this.
- What is it, Marty?
- Look, why do they always do that?
They always get outta the car.
- Ah, for no reason.
- Yeah exactly and then they run.
- And for no reason.
Yeah, well, and then they fall down.
- For no reason.
- Exactly.
Oh great, and then I fall down.
And then, aye, up.
There's the monster.
And the monster always
comes and picks 'em up.
- Oh, no wait, Marty, look.
That's a doll.
- You're right, it is.
No, no, wait, look, look close, is are.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Now I know
how fay wray felt.
You like it?
It's called eau de terror.
Oh, is that more beer?
Great, more beer.
He must be 160 feet tall by now.
They grow up so fast.
- Marty, go get some marshmallows.
- Hey, no.
Wait, bad dinosaur!
Bad notzilla!
That's right.
You heard me, didn't you?
You did.
Mama notzilla says no.
Yes she does.
Little tiny mama notzilla says no!
Now throw that thing away.
You don't know where it's been!
Like, oh, no, no!
- Wrong hand, wrong hand!
- Huh?
- The other hand, the other hand.
That's right, honey.
Oh, ooh.
- Let's go, let's go, let's really go!
Push him back, push him back, way back.
- Where are the tanks?
- Stuck in traffic.
There he is!
- Oh.
- Wait, he's turning around.
We're safe.
- Wait.
- It's not so much the fire I mind...
- It's where it comes from?
- Exactly.
- No, bad notzilla, bad!
Put the fire out, honey.
- Oh.
- Well, that's better.
We can't let them hurt you, baby,
so go to your room!
Go to the hills.
- Huh?
- The hills.
Only put mama down first!
Go, baby, go.
Like I told general dufus...
- Bogus.
- He certainly is.
All the bigwigs are busy.
- Well, who's the biggest wig left?
- Putting you through.
This is general specific.
Holy moly, that is so great!
- What?
I haven't said anything yet.
- I just read the subtitle.
I'm sorry, how can I help you?
- We have a situation here in Cincinnati.
- I have tickets to the ballet.
I will ask Dr. Blowheart
to join me.
- Huh, you'll never make it.
- And why is that, monsieur gauche?
- Because we got a ticket
to the moon right there.
- I'm leavin' for Houston
at 5:23 P.M.
- I'm flying to Stockholm, Sweden at 2:45.
Just kidding.
Minneapolis, don't you know.
- Oh, now I know the world's gonna end.
Bloch made a funny!
- Oh, you of little faith!
Our brilliant leader would not...
- Oh, yes he would!
- What?
The real Dr. Blowheart
went kabunga-schlacht in 1945.
Our Richard is the former
child actor Donnie draper,
star of "the Dougie dougwood,
boy genius serials".
- But no, I love those!
Donnie draper is why I became a physicist.
I swore one day I would marry him!
- He's French.
- Uh huh.
- Oof da, I could tell Donnie draper
didn't understood a word he said.
- And now Cincinnati's
gonna go kabunga-schlacht
if we don't keep this
third-grade tether-ball champ
away from that!
- I always used to break that little rope
where the little ball would angle from.
Could never play it.
- I don't believe it!
Are you saying one of us is
not what they claim to be?
- Oh, for cute, how
could we have missed it?
- But our jobs.
- Will be toast, yes.
But, please, disarm the blaster before...
We have to stop letting him define us.
We are not his personal geishas!
- You had me until geisha.
- Who put this crazy narcissist in charge?
- Why they.
- Oh I know.
You'll say they did.
But who is they?
They is us.
We are all to blame.
- Right, thanks.
This is what he does to people!
This is uber-fission.
A real leader doesn't push people apart.
But he brings them together
and empowers them.
He helps them find their true selves!
Kumbaya, my lord
Uh, I got bupkes.
- What is this?
- The formula for warm fusion.
It incorporates all of your notes.
- You took me?
- What?
- I filed the patent in your names.
Line those tanks up.
Keep those cards and letters coming in!
General bogus, sir!
We're ready.
The moment that monster shows up...
- No!
We have to wait for,
what's it called again?
Magic hour!
- We can't wait.
It'll be disastrous.
- It'll be gorgeous!
- Where will my face look best?
- I'd rather not say, sir.
- All right, snugi's,
pull the tarp off!
Now point it toward the city.
- But the monster will be coming from...
- Drama, people!
It's all about drama!
Wind rustling hair, check.
Sun glinting off of manly stubble, check.
- You!
Ignore him.
- I'm in charge here.
- I'm in control here!
Without my tanks...
- Without my blaster...
- The world faces certain...
- Dooky?
- Poop?
How did that get here?
- Notzilla, sir!
- Nonsense.
There'd be a lot more of it if...
- No, notzilla!
Half a mile away.
- Oh!
- Initiate dramatic finale build-up!
Well, so much for being accepted
as a real scientist.
Or saving Cincinnati.
Where's Hiro?
We can't do this without him.
- Who wants chili?
- I do!
- Now or never, uncle b!
- Wait, men!
Get back on camera,
I mean back in strategic positions!
- 50 years tops!
I mean, it would be the city that glows!
General bogus,
notzilla is coming!
- My precious!
- Ooh, I've been there.
- Uh huh.
- You're all fired!
- Now we know what you meant
by unlimited power, tuchas-breath!
- You don't give beer to a lizard, Donnie!
- But how did you know?
- And I'm not Swedish, you imbecile.
And I'm not white either!
- Dr. Bloch, you're black?
How could you!
Oh, where's my...
Oh, Shirley!
At least I can count on my girl.
- Woman.
Aww, I'm sorry.
Is that inappropriate?
Now, where's that little giggle I love?
I love it when you do that.
It's so you.
Thank you.
- It's our honor, Dr. Yujest.
Notzilla is here!
- Aww.
- Oh, oh.
How sweet!
He brought me a bouquet
of trees.
- Go away, baby, no, go away!
- Huh?
- Yeah, no.
Go on, baby.
It's okay.
- Huh?
- No, it's okay.
Go, go.
It works?
- Hi.
- Hi!
- Notzilla - okay, baby.
Mama notzilla
- says it's okay.
- Look!
- It is padiddle time!
- It's the right time.
- It's here.
- Right here, baby.
Come on, baby.
Okay, come on.
- Notzilla.
- Come on, baby.
- Little kaiju come on.
- You lied!
I hate you, Richard!
I love you, Donnie!
Butay's a woman?
- Well, now I feel better
about looking at her...
- Uh huh.
- Just look at you!
How could anyone do science
when you look like that?
- Wait.
Did you actually just say that?
- Oui.
- I love you!
- I must possess you!
- Okay.
- You are an imbecile,
but you are my imbecile!
- She's French.
- Uh huh.
- I am sorry.
You are a real scientist
and a real woman.
- As are you.
And I understand why you did what you did.
- And I am sorry I have to do this.
Love makes one stupid, no?
- Do what?
- Only one plutonium rod
is working, mon Cher.
But it is enough for you to kill
the creature that has stolen your joy.
- Stand back, everyone,
or I will destroy you.
For your own good, of course.
I only wanna kill notzilla.
- I am notzilla!
- I am notzilla!
- I am notzilla!
- I am totally notzilla, dude.
Kumbaya, my lord
Then I guess we can't be friends!
Kumbaya, my lord
- Oh.
- Aww.
- Look at him.
- Dr. Shirley yujest?
- Yes?
- I'm general specific.
Miss stringer gave me the intel
and the rest I've seen for myself.
Dr. Blowfish is no
longer fit to head snugi.
Anyway his theories are bogus.
- Sir, uh, ma'am!
- Shut up.
Can your rebuild the program
using your warm fusion?
The team says they'll only
stay if you're in charge.
- Yes, ma'am!
Professor Honda?
If you agree, I have been authorized
to install you as head
of the Pentagon's new giant
monster protection program.
- Woo hoo!
- Yes, but protection from what?
- Do you have any regrets about adopting?
- None whatsoever, darling.
- Oh, sit up straight, honey.
- Do what your mother says.
- Mmm.
- Funny how you look for happiness
and one day it finds you.
- Sit up straight, honey.
- Now, sweetie pie,
remember I used to be a
really important person.
- And you're happy too, my love?
- Yes.
I'm just glad that everyone
is finally their true size.
Me too.
- Don't forget your toys, honey.
- I've been waiting to ask how you feel
about having more children.
And now seems
like a good time.
- Oh, darling, I don't know how...
But how?
- Uh, I never said there was only one.
- Hey, it's Charlie
the big cheese cheeseman
on what-am.
- What?
- It's notzilla week, people.
That's right, everybody's favorite monster
is inspiring hits so
big I can't stand 'em.
- What?
- First up is "dino surfin'",
the breakout new single
from Kentucky's number one surf band,
Bobby and the bleech boys!
Well I didn't own no records
and I never seen a movie
my grandpa said I love you, son
but, dude, you sure
ain't groovy uh huh
stop drivin' that old tractor, boy
and parking it at school
it definitely factors
into why you're so uncool
uh huh huh
you gotta catch a fin
and go dino surfin' with me
groovy, groovy, groovy,
groovy-wow! Notzilla
the groove begins when
we're dino surfin' you'll see
groovy, groovy, groovy,
groovy-pow! Notzilla!
Once you ride a dino tail
you'll be hanging 10
everyone's so fine
oh boy you'll wonder where
you've been all your life
once dino moves he's
a combustible machine
especially if he's had a lot of beer
and ate some beans
uh uh oh
you gotta catch a fin and
go dino surfin' with me
groovy, groovy, groovy,
groovy-wow! Notzilla!
The groove begins when you're
dino surfin' you'll see
groovy, groovy, groovy,
groovy-pow! Notzilla!
You gotta catch a fin and
go dino surfin' with me
groovy, groovy, groovy,
groovy-wow! Notzilla!
The groove begins when you're
dino surfin' you'll see
groovy, groovy, groovy,
groovy-pow! Notzilla!
You gotta catch a fin and
go dino surfin' with me
groovy, groovy, groovy,
groovy-wow! Notzilla!
The groove begins when you're
dino surfin' you'll see
- It's time to make the world
a better place, people.
- What?
- No, just kiddin'!
Hey, let's crank it up
with a hot new single
from Dina and the shorells.
There's really nothing to it, honey
you'll be on top of it all
come on, baby, do the notzilla
if attitude is altitude
then, baby, you're 10 stories tall
come on, baby, do the notzilla
so lift up your tail
and let out a pop
you just can't fail
to do a little hop
then throw up your claws
and do do it some more
dramatic pause
now roar
get your roar on
your fins they look like paper dolls
your zipper comes up to your neck
shoo, come on, baby, do the notzilla
but honey you're original
a one dinosaur discotheque
shoo, come on, baby, do the notzilla
so lift up your tail
and let out a pop
you just can't fail
to do a little hop
then throw up your claws
and do it some more
dramatic pause
now roar
get your roar on
So lift up your tail
and let out a pop
you just can't fail
to do a little hop
then throw up your claws
and do it some more
dramatic pause
now roar
get your roar on
come on, baby, do the notzilla
come on, baby, do the notzilla
come on, baby, do the notzilla
come on, baby, do the notzilla
come on, baby, do the notzilla