Nowhere Mind (2018) Movie Script

(waves crash)
(footsteps crunch)
(insects buzz)
(birds chirp)
(John pants)
We routinely adjust our interpretation
of events and our scientific theories
to satisfy the dogmatic
requirements of our beliefs.
Our beliefs set the boundaries
and define the limits of our
science, they always have.
True skepticism is open mindedness,
the enemy of dogma. It's
not about your body,
you're consciousness,
that is what you are.
Your consciousness is
already out of your body,
you don't, you don't need
to get out of your body,
you just need to get
into your consciousness.
What do the facts of your life,
the facts of your existence,
and your results say
about the quality of your consciousness,
the effectiveness of your process,
or the size of your picture?
(slow orchestral music)
(sirens wail)
(slow orchestral music)
(ice rattles)
(liquid splashes)
(ice rattles)
(espresso machine whirs)
(overlapping chatter)
(beans rattle)
(dishes clink)
[Therapist] So how is everything?
[Ivan] As good as good can
get, given the circumstance.
[Therapist] Last time we talked a lot
about you wanting to escape.
Yeah, it's like
a heaviness,
a pressure
from people, just the noise.
How's the Zyprexa treating you?
[Therapist] Any weight gain?
Yeah, a little.
[Therapist] You look the same to me.
I win I guess.
[Therapist] I've been
meaning to ask you,
are you still smoking?
You know smoking's bad for you, right?
Let me ask you this, and you
don't have to answer now,
what are you most afraid
of in this moment?
(slow ambient music)
My mind going, I guess.
Forgetting who I am.
I just miss the time when
this didn't define me,
or define my
fate, I guess.
That can't be easy.
Yeah, but.
You know, there are people
suffering all over the place,
and people who have it a
lot worse than I do, so.
Do you often think
about the pain of others?
Yeah, I guess.
But having something in common with people
gives me some comfort.
You know, even if that thing is
Dead men.
There's mountains.
Europe has mountains.
(coins clink)
Birds, and flowers.
(coins clink)
We have military industrial complex,
so it all goes to bombs.
(coins clink)
Hey, Harold.
How's it going?
Oh, man, good to see you.
I'm really glad to have you here,
you came all this way for me, man?
[Ivan] Yeah, not a problem.
Thank you.
You want a smoke, I got some.
Yeah, yeah,
Oh, yeah.
These are the ones I've been talking
to him about, man, I kept bringing it up
and, oh, hell, you know how they can be.
Yeah, I know how they can be.
Yeah, it's hard, man, it's hard.
It's, uh, nowadays, man, it's just,
it's just hard to tell, right?
I saw you counting your change,
are you okay money wise?
Yeah, yeah, no, I.
It's paying the bills,
man, it's paying the bills.
You know, I'm fixing up the house,
I mean, my office, and,
well, shit, you know, it's a lot of work,
it's more shit than I can do, right?
Yeah, yeah, oh, hey...
What the fuck?
They meant to tell you,
they sent me your Christmas bonus early.
No, that's gonna be a problem, man,
that's not a good investment, no, no.
Come on, you've earned it.
Did they tell you that?
Yeah, they tell you
this was tracked, man?
Yeah, yeah, they gotta
get their cut, man,
and you bring a fucking tracked bill,
no, no, it's okay, man.
Yeah, you take it, it's okay.
You had it before, man, it was no problem,
okay, I just can't take
something like that, that's all.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- I'll keep it.
- Yeah.
Hey, what if, what if we just,
that way they can't find us.
(train crossing rings)
You're one of them.
You're one of them.
(Harold cries)
They're everywhere, man,
there's no stopping them now.
It's over.
It's over.
(bottles clink)
(dissonant orchestral music)
All my work.
(dissonant orchestral music)
For nothing.
For nothing.
(dissonant orchestral music)
(lighter clicks)
(slow rhythmic pulsing)
(dissonant orchestral music)
(Ivan gasps)
(slow rhythmic pulsing)
[Woman] Ivan, hey man, you got this?
Yeah, yeah, I got it.
[Woman] Super small,
iced, leave room for cream.
Mm, got it.
(overlapping chatter)
(crickets chirp)
(lighter clicks)
(Ivan sighs)
(crickets chirp)
(Ivan sighs)
(crickets chirp)
[Emily] Ivan?
Holy shit, Emily?
Emily Fisher.
How are you?
Not bad, just, yeah,
trying to keep from smoking,
which is hard, 'cause it's the
only thing that gives me joy.
Okay, well, I had no
idea that you worked here,
I come here all the time.
Oh, yeah, I work pretty late though, so.
During the daylight I'm
trying to get my master's.
Oh, yeah,
I guess undergrad just doesn't
cut it like it used to.
Exactly, well, Jesus, how about you?
Well, I'm also no
stranger to the darkness.
That's perfect, that's perfect for you.
I guess, thank you, no, I'm
actually headed there now,
so I wanted to get something
to help me keep my eyes open.
Oh, yeah, don't let me hold you up.
No, no, no, will you be here in like,
three minutes, and I'll
catch you on my way out?
Yeah, I'll be here.
(slow electronic music)
so I'm off tomorrow, and.
I know we're both tired and old-ish,
would you maybe want to
grab a drink sometime?
Not now, obviously, but at sometime soon?
I, uh,
For sure.
Alright, here.
This is my number.
(slow electronic music)
How about you pick a place and a time
and text me, and I'll meet you there?
Yeah, I can do that.
(slow electronic music)
Did I just ask you out?
Yeah, it felt like it.
(slow electronic music)
Your drink.
[Emily] Don't need it!
(water splashes)
Just go, just go, you got it.
(overlapping chatter)
(radio blares)
Ah, hey.
Hey, how's it going?
Good, you?
Pretty good.
Hey, what can I get you to drink?
Is that good?
Uh, yeah, I'm into it.
[Emily] Can I have one of those, please?
[Waitress] Sure.
Thank you.
This place is great.
Is it too loud?
No, it's fine.
Spill it.
What have you been doing with your life?
What are you getting your master's in?
It was physics before, but
then I got into consciousness,
and I'm actually doing
this study right now,
we're exploring out of body experiences.
No kidding.
Yeah, yeah, and I get to
be one of the guinea pigs
that tries to have them.
Dude, that's nuts.
[Ivan] Yeah, right?
Have you had one?
It's, the other people
in the study for sure have.
We've had people in the hospital
that say that they've left
their body during surgery.
When they're unconscious?
Yeah, about two years ago
we had this woman who said
that she saw her husband standing over her
in the OR when she was
under, and this was for,
like, I don't know,
relatively minor thing,
like, she was fine, but her husband went
into cardiac arrest and
died when he was sitting
in the waiting room, and he
never entered the OR once,
and she said that she saw him
standing there the whole time.
[Ivan] That's incredible.
I know.
Well, what do you make of it all?
I don't know...
Yeah, I'm the worst, I just, I don't know,
I feel like
people dream funny dreams when
they're on anesthetic drugs,
I mean, maybe if they suddenly
spoke a different language
or knew the cure for
cancer, I'd be convinced
that their soul just somehow
magically left their body.
That's a pretty high
bar to set for evidence.
Yeah, but I feel like
we set the bar pretty low
when we want something to be true.
Yeah, I'll give you that.
(Emily laughs)
So that must be tough, your job?
Just physically, I mean,
helping people is the best,
and if I ever actually, if
I ever actually save a life,
I mean, that's why we do it, right?
(dishes crash)
(people holler)
Are you okay?
Yeah, sorry, I just get
anxious in public spaces,
it's dumb.
(tinnitus ringing)
Sorry, sorry, I hate that.
Hey, it's okay, you're okay.
You know what?
We can just get out of here,
I will not give a shit, okay?
Hey, can we get the check, please?
[Waitress] Yeah, sure, no problem.
Thank you.
It's just me.
No one else.
You're okay.
Here you are, no rush.
[Emily] Perfect timing.
Wow, that actually helped a bit.
What are you, a hypnotist?
Yeah, definitely.
Do you want to see my apartment?
(door creaks)
Wow, your place is nice.
(lighter clicks)
You're a nurse in a hospital.
[Emily] Want some?
Yeah, but I probably shouldn't.
That's not the guy I remember.
I get too paranoid these days.
Plus, I don't know it'll
affect that research thing.
It helps me sleep,
takes my mind off shit.
(slow electronic music)
Until the fear starts to take hold.
(Emily laughs)
(Ivan growls)
(Emily laughs)
I've come for your soul.
[Emily] Oh, shit.
[Ivan] Come for your, oh, give it to me,
give me your skin.
(Emily mumbles)
(Emily laughs)
I have to tell you something,
and it's really bad, and.
I feel awful, and you're
probably gonna hate me.
[Ivan] Jesus, what is it?
Come on.
I'm engaged.
Like, engaged engaged.
(slow ambient music)
I know it wasn't fair for
me not to say anything, but.
I just saw you,
and I wanted you.
I wanted you for a long time,
and it just felt like my last chance.
And I just thought that if you
knew, you wouldn't do this.
(slow ambient music)
I have no problem with it.
I mean, you didn't
promise me anything, right?
Yeah, okay.
Are you sure?
(slow ambient music)
Okay, God, it feels good
to get it off my chest.
Who is he?
Oh, do you remember John Gardner?
What is it?
I didn't say anything.
Fucking face, what?
No, no, he's a good guy, we were, like,
roommates for a year.
Fuck (sighs).
I'm so fucking stupid.
[Ivan] Stop.
No, I just hate myself
so much right now.
Look, I felt like if you
were really happy with him,
you wouldn't have fucked
me, let's be honest.
Shut up.
It's, no, I just, I feel like
I'm on this conveyor belt,
and the path is set, and I cannot stray,
even for a second if I wanted to.
(slow ambient music)
I heard this saying that a
person who won't leave a room
because they don't know how,
or because they're too afraid
to open the door, they're
trapped, just the same,
whether or not the door is locked.
I heard a saying once that people
who say sayings are fucking douche bags.
(both laugh)
Yeah, yeah, I set
myself up for that one.
Oh, I'm sorry, you
know I'm joking, right?
Yeah, no, I just won't
ever give you advice again.
(both laugh)
Oh, I don't know.
John is fine, most of the time,
but he drinks a lot,
and he has cheated on me more than once.
Now I like him less.
(slow ambient music)
He's not gonna barge in here, is he?
No, he's in Germany, or on
his way back from Germany.
Why Germany?
'Cause he's in the army.
Oh, shit, what did we just do?
I know.
(slow ambient music)
You know what?
No, I feel like every chance
he's had to fuck around,
he has, and every time I stood by him,
so he can either
forgive me, or
I'd prefer if he never
found out about this.
(slow ambient music)
No matter what happens, I'm
really glad that we did this.
(slow ambient music)
(slow ambient music)
(birds chirp)
(slow ambient music)
(pen scrawls)
(ambient whispering)
Don't do that.
(slow ambient music)
(birds chirp)
(lighter clicks)
(slow ambient music)
(Ivan sighs)
(slow ambient music)
(slow rhythmic pulses)
(phone vibrates)
[Emily] Hey.
How's it going?
Good, great.
[Emily] It was nice
seeing you the other day.
Yeah, yeah, you too.
[Emily] Hey, listen,
John wants to talk to you.
[John] Hey, brother, long time no see.
Hey, yeah, yeah, it's been awhile.
[John] How's everything?
Emily told me she ran into you.
Yeah, yeah, that, that happened.
(slow orchestral music)
So you two are getting hitched, huh?
[John] Yeah, bet you never
thought you'd see the day.
Just got back and got
tons of planning to do,
I think today we're doing
the cake tasting thing,
I don't know, but it's not all bad.
Yeah, who doesn't like cake, so.
Emily told me you were in the army,
and I was like, how did
I not hear about this?
[John] Yeah, man, we
haven't spoken in forever.
Long enough for me to go to hell and back.
When did you get back?
[John] Hey, man, you wanna
come over for a drink tomorrow?
I'd love to swap war stories.
Uh, yeah, that should work for me.
[John] Yeah?
Yeah, yeah, that sounds good.
[John] We can text you the address.
Awesome, alright, I'll see
you then, peace, brother.
(slow ambient music)
(phone vibrates)
(door creaks)
[Ivan] Hey.
What's up, dude?
Get ready, I'm bringing it in close.
[Ivan] Hey, John.
Hey, how's it going?
[Ivan] Good, good.
Good seeing you man.
[Ivan] You too.
Come on in, let's do this.
(door creaks)
You ate, right?
Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
[Emily] Good, 'cause this is all we got.
I'm gonna make such a mess (laughs).
What's new with you?
Em says you're back in school.
I told you, he's
literally soul searching.
Yeah, yeah, neuroscience, close enough.
Yeah, she said you were a
lab rat, what's that about?
Um, yeah.
I'll just start from the beginning,
a few years back, I saw this
talk at the university given
by this wizard looking dude...
Like a Gandalf wizard?
Exactly, total Gandalf, so the talk was
about consciousness and the idea
that reality is all an illusion,
and underneath it all is
this consciousness system
that we're all a part of.
And according to him,
with enough practice,
we can all access this system
through advanced meditation,
so when you hear about
out of body experiences
or astral projection,
it's actually these people
just breaking the
boundaries of the illusion.
So it's bullshit.
Or maybe it's hard to
imagine the world is round
if you always thought it was flat.
So, yeah, now I'm
Gandalf's research buddy.
I'm so curious to see what you find out,
I mean, this is not my area at all,
but based on my ridiculously
limited background
in medical research, I'm qualified enough
to say that we know almost nothing
about how the brain works.
No, right, exactly,
and this is weird, too,
there's some evidence that observation
alone can affect things
outside of our mind.
You've heard of the double
slit experiment, right?
I have.
No, I haven't.
[Emily] Ignore him.
Please, educate.
Okay, the double slit experiment is one
of the most replicated
experiments in physics
because it is so fucking weird.
So you have these two slits,
and behind that is a censor,
like a wall, and if you blast
light through the slits,
a wave pattern is created on the sensor,
which makes sense, right,
because light is like a wave, right?
Okay, so later they figure out how
to fire photons, light particles,
one at a time through the slits,
and they still make a wave pattern.
Okay, okay, so blast
light, wave pattern,
blast individual photon
particles, still a wave pattern.
It's weird because you'd think
that individual particles
would arrive kind of randomly,
it wouldn't be able to create
the wave pattern one particle
at a time, right, it
just doesn't make sense.
None of this shit makes any sense.
Shut up.
Okay, here's where it
actually gets interesting.
To find out how individual particles
could make wave patterns, they
set up these little detectors
to see the particles
pass through the slits,
and the particles totally
changed their behavior.
The pattern on the sensor just looked
like the particles shot
straight through the slits
in a perfectly straight
line, no more wave pattern.
They thought maybe the placement
of the detectors interfered
with the particles somehow,
so they turned them off,
but kept them in place,
and the particles made
a wave pattern again.
Detectors on, double slit pattern,
detectors off, wave pattern.
So the behavior of the particles depended
on whether or not they were
actually being observed.
(Emily laughs)
I swear, every time I see
you I learn something new
and awesome.
So John, you're a military man now, huh?
How the hell did that happen?
Sorry, yeah, it never used to
be this hard to talk about.
You don't have to.
I will say this.
Being over there really shows
you what we take for granted,
and I feel a lot of guilt about that.
I get that.
Seems like our days of
being spoiled are numbered,
though, things aren't
what they used to be.
I mean, there's a lot more
shared poverty nowadays.
Our system feeds on
poverty, it needs it.
Yeah, but on the other
hand, I mean, this wine.
There's a heater in
here and a refrigerator.
And you got that beast of
an internet porn collection,
so there's always that.
Seriously, it's like a fucking terabyte.
On that hard drive.
I'm just saying, ugh.
Why don't you just stream
it like a normal person?
What, I am storing
up for the apocalypse.
Got my vintage VHS '90s porn classics.
What, like Barbara's Bush?
(overlapping chatter)
And Ghost Thrusters.
Cliff Banger.
(group laughs)
Forrest Hump.
(group laughs)
That's good shit.
Ivan, in a couple weeks I'm
taking this hiking trip,
kind of a last hurrah
before Em and I are trapped
in a boring marriage for
the rest of our lives.
John wants to go on a vision quest.
I just want to set
up a tent on the beach
and just feel the quiet.
I keep telling him that
even after we're married,
he can still go off on a lonely pilgrimage
to the middle of the
woods, but he doesn't get
that I'm not a fucking prison guard, so.
It's not the same, I just,
I could use a spiritual
guide on my vision quest.
Oh, wow, man, uh.
Oh, sorry, I didn't
mean to freak you out,
I know it's, we haven seen
each other in forever,
and, I don't know, I'm
digging the vibe here tonight.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
[Ivan] Yeah, yeah.
I mean, it's short notice,
Gandalf's not gonna be pissed, is he?
No, that's, no, it's fine,
I think that'll actually
be a good place for me
to just unplug and practice
all this voodoo shit.
Yes, awesome, this is great.
Look, I'll tell you all
about it after I pee,
I'll be right back.
(dissonant ambient music)
(wind blows)
(train clatters)
(slow ambient music)
(traffic roars)
(slow ambient music)
(pen scrawls)
(slow ambient music)
(slow rhythmic pulses)
(slow ambient music)
(moves into slow orchestral music)
(slow ambient music)
(spider skitters)
(dissonant orchestral music)
(spider skitters)
(dissonant orchestral music)
(spider skitters)
(dissonant orchestral music)
(birds chirp)
(pages rustle)
(pen scrawls)
(birds chirp)
[Television] Rain around
the Chicago area today
temperatures are holding at...
[Ivan] Hey, Mom.
Hey, where have you been hiding?
I haven't seen you for awhile.
[Ivan] Yeah, there was no hiding,
I was just at a friend's
place, having a drink.
You have an appointment
this morning, right?
[Ivan] Yeah, I do.
Are you still not taking your pills?
(door slams)
I can't, I can't handle that stuff.
I know you don't want to hear this,
but I think that's a bad
idea, your doctor said
that the side effects might
improve it if you just...
No, Mom, I don't know how
many ways I can tell you
that that stuff makes
me want to kill myself.
Look, I'm honestly
saying I'd rather be dead
than spend the rest of
my life on that shit.
I'd rather be crazy, for that matter.
Look, it's not an easy situation, okay?
But that's just how it is.
I just don't want to lose my son,
does that make me a crazy person?
I know you don't, Mom,
but you want your son
to like his life, right?
Come here.
I do.
I do want you to be happy.
Thank you.
(door creaks)
(slow ambient music)
Are you okay?
Seriously, are you okay?
(slow ambient music)
I'm gonna break it off with him.
I think.
(slow ambient music)
[Ivan] What happened?
You know what happened.
(door shuts)
What are you doing?
You, you invited me over.
No, you idiot, why
are you going with him?
Look, I know it's weird,
I know how it looks,
it's fucking weird.
Yeah, it is.
I have some problems.
Some health problems,
and I think it's a
really good idea if I go.
What's wrong?
You're sick?
It's just, it's,
it's just kind of hard to talk about, so.
I, sometimes it's,
can you do me a favor, could we wait
to talk about this when I get back?
I know it's a lot and it's kind
of fucked up for me to do, but.
But I hope you believe me, Emily,
when I say I like you a lot, 'cause I do,
and this trip isn't gonna change that,
and I hope someday you can
understand why I'm going
and maybe forgive me for
fucking you up in the process.
(slow electronic music)
So is this thing contagious?
(slow electronic music)
(jet engines roar)
(dissonant orchestral music)
[John] Oh, one bed, well,
at least it's big enough for both of us.
[Ivan] I'll take the floor.
Why, I need to cuddle
and be warm with my baby.
- No, that's fine.
- Gonna snuggle.
John, John, it's fine, it's fine.
Alright, no, I got the floor, I insist.
No, no, no, no, you
brought me out here, so.
Alright, whatever.
This is great, man, thanks
for coming out with me.
Yeah, of course.
You tired yet?
Not really.
Look, I don't know where
you got this idea from,
no, she's just, she found me, I,
I would never do that, Emily, no.
No, I didn't fuck her.
[Ivan] No.
[Ivan] Look, I agree, you're a good guy.
Yeah, yes?
[John] You're talking in your sleep.
Yeah, you just said you
didn't fuck my fiance.
I must have, um.
You dreaming I was
interrogating your or something?
Yeah, yeah, I think so.
That really didn't just happen?
No, I've been asleep for
like, an hour and a half.
Look, I'm sorry, I'm out of it,
I haven't drank that much in awhile.
It's all good, man.
You've been to this spot before?
Not this exact spot, but
I've heard good things.
Private beach?
Not exactly, it's pretty far in,
most people don't hike all the way in.
Thank you very much.
What the fuck was that?
[John] What?
That shit eating grin.
Plus I'm not married yet (chuckles).
What, Jiminy Cricket, what?
It's just douchey,
man, we used to make fun
of assholes that did shit like that.
How long have you had a thing for Emily?
Just curious, no big deal.
That's not what this is.
Right, you're talking in your sleep,
this weird protection of her,
I get it, it's way fucking obvious.
Look, I don't want
there to be any bad blood,
there's nothing going on.
Here, show me on this thing
again where we're going?
So we're gonna, here we are,
follow this ridge down to this area here,
it's pretty steep, we won't
exactly have to rappel
or anything, but it'll be hairy,
then we'll cut over here
about two and a half hours,
and then we'll be at
our home away from home
for the next two weeks.
Anything out there that can kill us?
Yeah, being stupid, falling off a cliff.
What about, like, snakes, or?
It's bear country, mountain lions,
but if you're loud enough on the trail,
they'll stay away.
The land, though, is
owned by the government,
so if anyone asks, just play dumb.
That would have been a lot easier
to do before you said anything.
(Ivan chuckles)
(avant-garde orchestral music)
So if we keep heading west,
we should be in pretty good shape.
Worse comes to worse, my
cellphone's mostly charged.
(Ivan laughs)
(avant-garde orchestral music)
(water trickles)
(avant-garde orchestral music)
(waves crash)
(sand crunches)
What do you think?
(waves crash)
(avant-garde orchestral music)
I'm gonna pass out.
(avant-garde orchestral music)
[Ivan] I need a little more this way.
(avant-garde orchestral music)
[John] Can't believe how many stars.
(fire crackles)
And this is why the city sucks (laughs).
Yeah, wish I knew more constellations.
(lighter clicks)
You're an aliens guy, right?
I feel like I remember that.
We're not alone in the
universe, according to Ivan.
No, I'd say we're the only planet
in the whole universe comprised
of over a billion galaxies
that has life on it,
I mean, that's obvious, right?
Forget the fact that we've discovered
over 2,000 exoplanets,
30 of which are in the habitable zone
that we know of, so.
Sorry I asked.
I mean, it's ridiculous
to think that we're alone.
I don't know, I agree with that,
I guess, but I just, I don't
know, what about the farmers,
talking about their
cows getting probed, or.
[Ivan] Jesus.
Spacecraft crashing, and.
Do you think we've got
ET locked up somewhere?
Maybe, maybe life as we know it
travels through the universe on a comet,
or meteor, or spacecraft.
[John] Huh.
Maybe life has always been around
in one form or another.
The important question is,
has anybody ever fucked an alien?
(fire crackles)
God, I hope so.
(both laugh)
Me too.
I bet they've got way more holes (laughs).
Like a flute.
(both laugh)
Wait, (mumbles), under a flute,
they're all, those are all holes.
[John] It plays music.
(John sings)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, that's exactly it.
[John] We're both thinking it.
[Ivan] That's exactly
what I was thinking.
[John] Oh, God.
(Ivan sings)
No, not, not right there.
(Ivan sings)
Yeah, you hit it.
(John sings)
You hit it (laughs).
[John] That's the dumbest thing ever.
(slow electronic music)
(waves crash)
(slow electronic music)
Welcome to the jungle, baby
We got fun and games
Like Skee-ball and pop a shot
And pizza night is Thursday night
So why not stay and play
We got prices that will bring you
To your
Sha na na na na na na
Knees, knees
(Ivan laughs)
So dumb.
Oh, man, if I never
seen another billboard
or hear another commercial
again, I'm all set.
(waves crash)
So what next?
(avant-garde orchestral music)
You see that big one?
Right by the dead tree?
Yeah, I see it.
(waves crash)
You know, when I first
came up with this idea,
I thought about coming by myself,
and then Em mentioned your name,
and I was like, fuck,
yeah, Ivan, of course!
It's a tragedy that you and
I haven't seen each other
in as long as it's been, so.
It's good to have you here.
being around people that you trust.
That's all there is.
Yeah, yeah, for sure.
(crickets chirp)
Why didn't you bring her along?
Em and I are fine.
(slow electronic music)
sometimes I think about
all the years ahead of us,
just sitting in the same room,
watching each other lose our minds,
you know, the great collapse.
I think about cleaning up
after our would be kids,
and all the shit that
goes along with that, and.
It just feels like it
could be so suffocating.
So I want to extend the chapter preceding.
(slow electronic music)
I doubt it'll be that bad.
(slow electronic music)
Yeah, you're probably right.
(crickets chirp)
Hope you're right.
(birds chirp)
(dissonant orchestral music)
(birds chirp)
(dissonant orchestral music)
(Ivan screams)
(dissonant orchestral music)
(Ivan screams)
(dissonant orchestral music)
Ivan, hey.
You okay?
I'm coming in.
(dissonant orchestral music)
[Ivan] It's not my fault.
What's not your fault?
What's not your fault?
Hey, hey, hey, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Hey, it's okay.
(Ivan coughs)
Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
We're all good.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
(dissonant orchestral music)
(waves crash)
It's all you.
(waves crash)
Before we head in,
you sure you don't want
to get a return ticket, get out of here?
I've got no problem doing that for you.
No, it's fine.
I just feel terrible,
I should have told you.
It's cool, man, I just need
to know you're going to be okay.
It's not usually like that.
That was different.
It must be the booze, or
me being off my routine,
or something, it's fucking with me.
What is it?
Schizoaffective disorder, they think.
I get paranoid and sometimes hallucinate.
(waves crash)
Yeah, that's how I looked
when they first diagnosed me.
What do they do, how do you fix it?
I'm supposed to be on meds.
But the last time I took
those longer than a week,
I couldn't stop dreaming
up ways to kill myself.
And if you don't take them?
Then down the rabbit hole I go.
(slow orchestral music)
Alright, I think I'm gonna
go do my meditation thing,
it helps calm the nerves.
Hey, I don't want to mess
with your mojo or whatever,
but do you mind teaching me how you do it?
(waves crash)
The goal is to remain
present without a bombardment
of thoughts, just clear your mind.
No thoughts, that should
be easy for an idiot like me.
It's a lot harder than it seems,
you're thinking without even realizing it.
Just close your eyes
and breathe in
and feel your weight sink into the sand.
You hear the waves in the distance?
Just focus on that,
just focus on that sound
and that sound only.
If a thought enters your mind,
just let it float out to
sea with the next wave
and the next one
and the next one
and so on.
(waves crash)
My leg's asleep.
(waves crash)
This is impossible.
It's impossible not to think.
(waves crash)
I'm gonna head down the
beach, take a look around.
Feel free to join me when
you're done pretending.
(waves crash)
(insects buzz)
(stick snaps)
(insects buzz)
Jesus, fuck, you scared
the shit out of me, dude.
You've been gone for like, 10 hours.
The sun's going down, so we'll
have to go to town tomorrow.
Sorry, when I'm in, I'm in deep.
(both laugh)
Hey, help me find some
more shit to burn, huh?
(insects buzz)
So I've been thinking.
And is that whole
scientist wizard
out of body study thing real?
Yeah, it's...
[John] They work with a lot
of Schizoaffective people, or?
Yeah, I mean, it's just...
Do they even know?
Look, I get it, and you're
right to be skeptical,
I'm not judging at
all, I'm just curious.
(fire crackles)
It's mostly true.
(fire crackles)
Which parts?
(slow ambient music)
The scientist guy's a real guy,
but I don't know him personally.
I follow his writings, but
I'm not part of the study,
there is no study.
(fire crackles)
I just thought his
teachings would be something
to help my situation.
(slow ambient music)
Are you in school, is that even true?
Yeah, part time.
(fire crackles)
Look, what would you do?
I'm losing time, and I'm losing it.
I just don't want to
see a friend get hurt
studying the writings of
some bullshit, new age guru.
Too late.
(fire crackles)
And I don't think meditation
is the leading cause
of death anywhere.
It's not the meditation
I'm worried about,
it's what you're not doing medically.
(fire crackles)
What is it you're trying
to achieve, anyway?
Just a little more time.
Just more time, as a clear-headed person
that's not a burden on anyone.
(fire crackles)
(slow ambient music)
(birds chirp)
(dissonant orchestral music)
(birds chirp)
(dissonant orchestral music)
(birds chirp)
(dissonant orchestral music)
(birds chirp)
(pen scrawls)
(paper tears)
(birds chirp)
(wind blows)
(paper rustles)
(zipper zips)
(avant-garde orchestral music)
(John hollers)
(avant-garde orchestral music)
(birds chirp)
(dissonant orchestral music)
(foliage crumples)
(dissonant orchestral music)
(John chews)
(dissonant orchestral music)
(plastic crinkles)
(phone vibrates)
(plastic crinkles)
(dissonant orchestral music)
What the fuck?
(dissonant orchestral music)
(dissonant orchestral music)
(dissonant orchestral music)
(foliage crumples)
(dissonant orchestral music)
(waves crash)
(dissonant orchestral music)
(zipper squeaks)
(dissonant orchestral music)
You alright?
Where'd you go off to?
Oh, I'd, uh, I thought
I'd go try meditating
on top of that hill over there.
See anything interesting?
Only in my mind.
What's up?
I'm gonna head into town
and pick up some beverages and shit.
[Ivan] Okay.
[John] You coming?
[Ivan] Sure.
(dissonant orchestral music)
(dissonant orchestral music)
What are you talking about?
(John mumbles)
(avant-garde orchestral music)
(fire crackles)
(waves crash)
(waves crash)
No, I suck at it.
(waves crash)
Who gives a shit?
I'm good.
Come on, bitch.
(waves crash)
(John laughs)
Yeah, there you go.
You should eat something.
Not hungry, I haven't
been hungry all fucking day.
So why can't you drink?
What's it do to your busted brain?
I get confused.
(John spits)
That little sip make you confused?
Not right now, no.
Come on, man, get confused.
Don't be such a pussy.
So what are the stakes?
(John laughs)
[John] Oh, fucking, perfect.
(waves crash)
You're a fucking liar.
(waves crash)
I gotta go pee.
(dissonant orchestral music)
(waves crash)
(footsteps crunch)
[Ivan] Whoa.
(dissonant orchestral music)
Get up, get up,
you piece of shit.
(dissonant orchestral music)
Woo, it's a good idea,
(waves crash)
(John pants)
(fire crackles)
(waves crash)
(footsteps crunch)
(waves crash)
(dissonant orchestral music)
(insects buzz)
(birds chirp)
(John pants)
(insects buzz)
(John pants)
(dissonant orchestral music)
(John cries out)
(dissonant orchestral music)
(avant-garde orchestral music)
(tent poles rattle)
(dissonant orchestral music)
(footsteps crunch)
(dissonant orchestral music)
(water splashes)
(dissonant orchestral music)
(thunder rumbles)
(dissonant orchestral music)
(nylon rustles)
My friend is missing, we've
been camping on the beach,
and, uh,
I woke up this morning,
he was just gone, I'm afraid
he might have drowned.
Yes, thank you.
Thank you.
(dissonant orchestral music)
(police radio chatters)
(clock ticks)
So when was the last
time you saw your friend?
Last night, he was there
when I went to sleep.
[David] Did he make or
receive any phone calls
or text messages before he disappeared
that you're aware of?
I don't think so, no.
Can I ask what happened?
Yeah, night before last
I slipped down this cliff,
and Ivan stopped my fall by
stomping on this hand hard.
Lucky to be alive, really.
I would say so, you fellas
sure got the rough end
of it out there, didn't you?
Was there any indication
that he would want to leave the camp?
Did you have any arguments with Ivan,
any disagreements that caused him
to run off or head for home?
I mean, we had a little disagreement,
I thought he was drinking
a little too much,
but he eventually cooled
off and we made our peace,
he thanked me, I thought it was okay,
can't imagine that would
make him want to run off.
How about you, did you
have a lot to drink as well?
A little later in the evening.
On the beach?
Yeah, on the beach.
You know it's illegal to
have alcoholic beverages
on protected property?
So, bigger fish to fry,
what else can you tell
me about Ivan Marshall?
A couple days ago I found out he has.
Schizoaffective disorder.
I don't think that would,
has anything to do with him
disappearing, but, you know.
And you found this out after you decided
to travel 2,000 miles
away from home with him?
We were college roommates,
we knew each other better back then.
He had what I would
describe as like, a flare up
or an outburst or something,
I woke up one morning
and he was having a paranoid episode.
He sort of snapped out of it
and that's when I got the story.
Look, John, this doesn't
sound good, to be blunt.
There's a lot of rough terrain out there,
and a lot of things can happen,
and they do happen, as you know.
Now, would it be too much
trouble for you to stick
around town for a few days
while we conduct a search?
Not at all.
Do you have any contact information
for his next of kin, or who that would be?
He lived with his mom,
I don't have her info,
but her name's Anna Marshall.
I'll make some calls and I'll get in touch
with her and let her know what's going on.
(water splashes)
(mirror squeaks)
(slow ambient music)
(John sighs)
(slow ambient music)
(John sighs)
(slow ambient music)
(John sighs)
(slow ambient music)
(phone rings)
[Emily] John?
(phone vibrates)
This is John.
[David] Yeah, John, this
is detective Martinez.
[John] Yes, yeah, good to hear from you.
[David] Do you mind heading down
to the station in 30 minutes?
[John] Yeah, absolutely,
everything okay?
[David] I'd rather chat
in person if you don't mind,
just head to the station,
we'll get it all sorted out.
[John] Okay.
[David] See you soon.
[John] Thank you.
(dissonant orchestral music)
Unfortunately, I'm sorry to say
that we haven't found any trace of Ivan.
We did find a corpse up in the hills
about a quarter mile from your campsite,
but the level of decomposition suggests
that it couldn't possibly be our guy,
he was up there for at
least a year, maybe more.
Apparent suicide, you
just never know sometimes
what you'll find up there.
That's insane.
And other than some litter that we found
around the campsite,
there were really no clues
that were helping us out.
I'd say the next thing for you to do is
to head back home, I know you
have a life to get back to,
but we'll continue our search here,
and I will personally keep you up to date.
I'm really sorry, John, and at
the risk of sounding cliche,
I want to let you know that
we really are doing everything
that we can at our disposal.
I appreciate it, thanks.
You have my number, please call me
if you remember anything, I mean it.
You got it.
Have a safe trip, my friend.
(dissonant orchestral music)
(door rattles)
[John] I'm home.
You are.
[John] Em, I'm so sorry for
every goddamned, dumb thing...
I know, I know, John.
It's okay,
you're home now.
(slow ambient music)
It's okay.
(slow ambient music)
[John] I love you.
(slow ambient music)
I love you, too.
(traffic roars)
(police siren wails)
(John gasps)
[Emily] Hey, whoa, John, wake up.
(John chokes)
Hey, John.
You're dreaming.
(John gasps)
[John] What, Em?
[John] Emily.
It's okay.
[John] What, I can't,
I don't want to go back.
No, it's okay, you're just dreaming.
(John groans)
(wind chimes tinkle)
Ivan is his own man, I mean,
sometimes he would disappear for weeks,
weeks, and I wouldn't know where he was.
I didn't know if he was dead,
or off in some alley somewhere.
He just wanted to live,
and I always tried to protect him,
but I know how important it
was for him to see things
and experience things,
and he just never wanted
to slow down until the
disease finally made him stop.
(wind chimes tinkle)
(Anna sobs)
(train rattles)
(slow ambient music)
(dogs bark)
(bells chime)
(train rattles)
(slow ambient music)
(John sighs)
(slow ambient music)
(door creaks)
(slow ambient music)
Hey, giving it a try?
[John] Yeah, um, can
we talk for a second?
Can we sit?
What's up?
This is, it's going to be
really hard for me to say.
I can't keep it in anymore.
No matter what I say, or
however long it takes,
just let me get it all out.
I know you slept with Ivan.
I know you did it more than once,
and I know that you wanted
to leave me for him.
(slow ambient music)
He told you.
He didn't have to.
I need you to know
that I understand why you would,
why you did it, and I
completely forgive you.
[John] It's okay, look,
if we're gonna do this,
we just need to put it all on the table.
I can't.
[John] What?
I said I can't do this.
[John] Can't do what, which part?
All of it, I can't marry you, I won't.
[John] I'm saying it
doesn't matter, it's okay.
No, it's not okay, I feel like.
I know that you know, and
every time I look at you,
it'll be this mirror,
reminding me of what I
did, and then I'll think
of all the fucked up stuff that you did.
[John] You know I'm
sorry for all of that,
how badly I feel for everything.
It's not just that.
I haven't been happy for a long time now,
I don't, I don't want to be in a place
where we keep having to apologize
and forgive each other
over and over again.
that's marriage.
Not, not to me, no.
Oh, what the fuck?
What did you do, why the
hell did you do, please?
I should have ended this a lot sooner.
[John] No.
I was an idiot for dragging it out.
[John] No.
It's over.
(dissonant orchestral music)
I just need to be by myself.
Please don't do this, please don't,
please don't do this,
look, you're not an idiot.
You're right.
I'm weak, and that's why I
couldn't end this sooner.
(tinnitus ringing)
[John] Oh, fucking fuck.
No, fuck you, fuck.
(dissonant orchestral music)
(dissonant orchestral music)
I'm sorry, please.
(door handle shakes)
(dissonant orchestral music)
(door bangs)
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.
(dissonant orchestral music)
[Emily] Take whatever you need,
whatever is yours.
(dissonant orchestral music)
(door creaks)
(Emily cries)
(door slams)
(Emily cries)
(footsteps crunch)
(horn honks)
(birds chirp)
(Ivan screams)
(John gasps)
(traffic roars)
You are a creator that uses
and manipulates the evolution
of consciousness, and you are the result
of that same process,
at both the non-physical
and the physical levels.
What is it they say, with
great power comes great sex?
(audience laughs)
(audience laughs)
So what does all of this mean?
It means that you are the one in control,
you ultimately choose the
path that's right for you,
and all of this will take time,
but your skillset will improve,
if that's the path you choose.
(dissonant orchestral music)
(moves into slow orchestral music)
(moves into slow electronic music)