Nuovi mostri, I (The New Monsters) (1977) Movie Script
The New Monsters
Even though it's contaminated by the
effluvium of the neighboring city...
the air here is still pure
It's still rosy, your Emminence
Oh, lavender!
A sprig among the white clothes
I still see my mother,
preparing the armoires...
while my brothers and I
were under the giant fig tree
eating the last of its fruit
This fig tree seems to be cursed by our lord
Maybe the pollution from
the city is too nearby
Very much so. Gaetano?
Are things that grave?
I fear so. It's Sunday
too, everything is closed
I could call an ambulance
Arriving at the inaugartion in an
ambulance doesn't strike me as dignified
So what can we do?
- Clean it again
- Yes, go
With any luck it'll be a disgrace.
The parish is nearby
Let's go
They'll be happy to recieve it
It's closed,
let's try over there
THE MONKS
MORE HOMES
LESS CHURCHES
- We've been waiting for months!
- And the light?
- I have no water in my home!
- I have no gas in mine!
Enough! Will you let me speak?
Perhaps it would be better, your Emminence...
I've complained a thousand
times, I want a solution!
Order, order!
Order
One at a time, democratically
Who has asked to speak?
Let's all go to city hall
and speak to Marcus Aurelius!
The municipality isn't responsible
Then who is?
- They've deliberated
- Who?
- To be more precise, I propose to name...
- Go on!
Shut up for a bit, let me finish!
I propose to name a
commission that will recieve...
- Where, in the city?
- Where else?
- It's always the same thing!
- I want to speak!
- I want to speak!
- Mother, there's one on a red dress
Who is it?
Hello Father.
Forgive me sir.
I don't know what to call you.
Excellence? Emminence?
I don't know
This is the community of the
parish of St. Mathew
To what do we owe the honor of this visit?
What is your name, my son?
I am Don Paolo Arnoldi.
Oh, of course
I've heard of you, friend Paolo
May I sit among you?
Franco! Take a seat
Make yourself comfortable, please
Please
Who has asked to speak?
We hear you.
Who wants to speak?
You won't speak? Did he scare you?
Me, scared? No one does anything
because everything is in ruins
What do you mean, ruins?
It's all cement
- We want a solution!
- Very well
- We'll took it by force!
- Yes, and the police will throw you out
- We could lose everything.
- We'll lose more if we don't try
- You never do anything!
- Shut up fascist!
It's been a year!
A year I've been trying to get
you to understand, to reason!
Seeing as how you can't
agree on anything, we'll vote
- The priest has gotten angry
- What are we voting on?
You won't vote, your Emminence?
No, I don't think it's appropriate
What does his Emminence care?
He washes his hands of it
Did you see, your Emminence? These
unfortunates have been abandoned by all
This is no man's land, and
that's not the only problem
You don't want to give your opinion?
Of course. With true shame and profound agony,
I take the stand to speak to you all
Shame, because I came to your community...
due to a coincidental and everyday
mechanical accident and not forced,
as I should have been,
by any religious feeling
And the pain is real at seeing
the total lack of well-being...
in which you live out your everyday lives
A lack in well-being that
can turn in to violence..
The dumb, the useless,
the stupid violence
I've heard some of you,
you in particular, I believe, say:
"Let's go..."
"Let's take over..."
"Let's attack..."
Look who's talking about violence!
Yes, yes. I... No, no
I exercised violence
Did I changed your mind?
Did I convince you? No!
I only increased your
anger. Isn't that so friend?
So now?
Go on. Go on children
Let's return you to your community
...which at the moment stands accused...
- Son of a bitch
...of neglecting spiritual virtue in favor of,
perhaps in an execissve
manner, social matters,
the betterment of your material conditions
I don't accuse you, no. I don't
accuse you. Although it's true...
that the saints could elevate
themselves even among misery
I recall St. Francis,
the beggar of Assisi,
St. Benito and in thousands
of heroes of the faith...
who managed to get rid of
everything, to be happy in poverty
But they were saints
We aren't
We're imperfect
But how could you not be imperfect?
You who follow a different sort of happiness,
worldly happiness
For us happiness is justice!
Yes, justice
What are you doing? Get out!
- Get out of here
- Begone
Justice, yes brothers,
but, what justice?
What sort of justice?
The justice of a priest who
doesn't feel the responsiblity...
of wearing with dignity the holy vestements?
No, the justice of god
- It isn't the vestements, your Emminence!
- Shut up, let him speak
Very well, Jesus said:
"Blessed are those who hunger for justice
for they shall be satisfied."
But he also said:
"Blessed are the meek, because meekness...
shall be turned into riches"
- When did he say that?
- He said it
- Didn't you see Zefirelli's Jesus?
- Yes, yes
Let us read the Gospel, beloved children,
and remeber Christ's words
"Do not forge a treasure on earth...
where thieves loot and pillage.
Instead forge a treasure in heaven"
What a tongue he has!
- They should make him pope.
- They should.
Today is a day of celebration.
Perhaps not for you,
but surely for me, because I am among you..
my beloved congregation
And I want that this house of the Lord,
which isn't a house of intrigues, or of frolic...
be illuminated with light, like is done...
in palaces on holidays
Light, then, all your lights!
Illuminate your souls!
- Let the light penetrate...
- How beautiful!
- It looks like Christmas
- Yes, Christmas
And all together, children, let us
listen to the old and much loved...
ringing of the bells for the glory of the Lord
Yes, very good, go on little one
And let us express through
the sound of this old organ...
our feelings of faith, of charity, of hope...
of meekness.
Yes, and of obedience
And let us sing together, my
flock, to the glory of the Lord
He will be proud!
Your Emminece, Gaetano is there, we can leave
Raise up your voices!
Let them reach the heavens!
Yes, your grandmother.
Yeah, go to hell.
Yes, of course
Wait a moment
Hello, very kind of you
- Where are you going?
- To Bondano.
What a pity, I'm taking
a detour to Ponzelle first
It's quite a ways away
- You couldn't?
- To Bondano? No, they're waiting for me
Get on anyway. You'll gain
some ground and then...
we'll see. Go on, get in
Very well, get comfortable
I like this, you know? Picking
people up on the road
Women, of course
Because the presence of a woman in the car...
always gives things a touch
of joy. That's how it is
It makes travelling easier too
Oh, these boys...
How can they get in with
the first one that comes by?
They should have some caution.
Don't they read the newspaper?
I mean, sexual violence, rapes
I could see you are a good person
Thank you very much
But I'm still a man
I could even be your father, for example
I hope this question isn't rude
I have a daughter about your age
What did you say your name was?
I didn't say
- Piera.
- Piera?
That's good, like my car
Look here Piera.
Piera! Look
That's the cars name?
- You named your car?
- No, let me explain
I had a secretary for 12 years
Truthfully, she was a
bit more than a secretary
How great for you! Was it romantic?
Romantic, what do you think? I'm
a sentimentalist above all things!
This necklace is lovely!
This is lovely too. What is it?
What is this?
Something typical?
Look here young lady!
Look, 99,979 kilometeters
That means that in 21 kilometers...
we'll be celebrating 100 thousand
What a car young lady!
I'll celebrate it alone,
it's 10 until the detour
Excuse me, but that's the price of the ride
If you ask for a ride, you
should be ready to pay something
I would be willing to take you,
but only if there were...
a valid reason
Do you understand me?
What do you do for a living?
Are you a salesman?
No, textiles. Fabrics. I work from home.
I have a special way with the ladies
Yes, because I am profoundly feminist
Ah, it's what they call black jobs
Holy Virgin, what an ugly expression
Why black? Do you think I swindle people?
Don't you know how many would
be on the street without me?
No one wants to work
nowadays! That's the truth
Young people today don't have the will
They just want to play guitar
I work and my friends do too
Very good, young people should work
It's better than taking to
the streets throwing bombs
Do they do that for you?
My child, don't
you read the newspapers?
Haven't you heard of the muggings,
of people being kidnapped?
The armed groups, the Red Brigade?
It's enough to just open a single page, look
What's written here? Here, for example
Escape? Tell me, I can't
see. What does it say?
FAILED ESCAPE OF THREE DETAINEES
Three detainees escape from
the women's jail in Bovone.
If women escape from jail
nowadays too, we're ready
You can't live in peace
nowadays, that's what I say
Bovone? Bovone is near here
The prisoners had a gun,
with which the youngest...
...gravely injured a guard
- How horrible!
They are Marica Svlatah, 39 years old.
Assunta Scandapico, 36 years old...
and Piera Puzzilo, 20 years old
Twenty years old!
What did you say?
- Piera?
- Yes, Piera Puzzilo, that's me
- What are you doing?
- Keep your foot on the pedal,
don't hit the breaks, go
on like nothing's happening
Like nothing's happening? Please!
a sidestreet, turn there
- What, are we in a movie?
- Do what I say!
Very well
- Take a right here
- Alright, I understood
- Keep going
- Be kind, what do you want?
- Stop here
- What do you want?
- Ah, look!
- What's going on?
A hundred thousand, exactly.
A fated moment
- Yes, this is fate
- Let us rejoice
No, I'm thankful. There's
no shortage of beverages
- Drink!
- No, I don't drink
- Drink!
- I can't!
- Drink!
- My god!
Can you tell me why you escaped today?
You should ask me why I
was there in the first place
- Why were you there?
- It's written there
I killed the director of a bank
- My god!
- This girl is a murderer
Come on, let's get back
on the road. Get it moving
It looks like it won't run anymore
- So now?
- It's got dirt inside, it won't run
- Open the hood
- It's not my car
Open the hood!
Push there please
Where is the hole?
- So?
- I don't know where to push
Imbecile!
Imbecile!
No one taught you anything?
Do you only know about women?
Go find a rag!
GREETINGS FROM FRIENDS
- God bless you.
- You too.
- Until tomorrow
- Have a nice day
- Hello
- Hello, Don Salvatore
- Hello
- Goodbye dear
Don Salvatore!
Greetings from friends
Did he see you? Were your faces bare?
Who shot him?
They shot at me.
When don't they!
THE RESTAURANT!
The bill please!
So we have two servings of pasta, one of soup,
two servings of cake, bread,
half a bottle of wine...
- Goodnight!
- Goodnight architect
- Do you have a place for eight?
- For you, always. We'll put these together
I come all the time, it's quaint but genuine
You'll soon see. I tasted
flavors I forgot even existed
- There's no places like this anymore
- It's marvellous, I like it
I came with my friend Indro Montanelli
the last time he was in Rome
- With Indro?
- He'll write an article
He writes what he wants with that pen
I'll go to New York next week for two days
- Do you like my dog?
- I have a headache...
I'll take your order architect.
What can we get you?
Pork soup for everyone to start with
Eight soups!
- And the house wine!
- How's the soup?
A quite sophisticated broth, yet delicate
Why don't you go to hell? Go to hell!
Cretin, if...
if your mother wasn't dead...
Why don't you go to hell
- You'll like this octopus
- Don't play with the food
And you keep insisting!
What did I do to you to treat me this way?
You'll see
But it will be possible
You were offended by that? Go to hell
You want a war? You'll get it
Idiot. You're an idiot
You're a cretin
You'll soon see, you son of a bitch!
Cretin!
You'll see cretin. Come here
- What are you doing?
- Here you go.
I'll teach you to bother me
Understand? Stop bothering me
Oh, my foot!
- What's happening?
- I don't know
They mortar. They prepare spice like my mother
I'll strangle you!
You need exercise!
I'll kill you once and for all!
Go to hell
I'll kill you this time
I'll shove this up your ass
I'll shove this in your mouth
until it comes out your ass
I'm not a faggot, go to hell
Peace?
Peace
The turkey. They're killing
the turkey right there
They make everything fresh
Do you wanna go on or not?
You give up? You give up, huh?
Alright, now get under the faucet
Get under the faucet so I can clean you
I'll teach you not to bother me
You don't have the balls,
I can beat ten like you
I can't see! I tell you, I can't see!
It's true, I can't see
- Dry off with this
- Thanks
What did you give me bastard, ripe? Go to hell!
You're starting this again?
Eat shit!
Idiot!
Eat shit!
Cretin!
Look what you did
At least put your wig back on
Where is my wig?
- Where is it?
- It must be with the octopus.
- Damn.
- Where is the octopus?
What did you order?
Eight pork soups
This is disgusting!
Give me the plate
What is this?
It's all dirty. You really are bad
- I'm bad
- Yes
- You're bad
- No, you're the one that doesn't like me
You know I like you
If you liked me like I like you...
Go to hell
Ah, because I don't like you
You decide. Do I like him or does he like me?
You should both eat shit
- The clients are waiting...
- We add the sauce...
Put it on better, damnit...
- And?
- What's going on?
You're going like that?
Here it is!
At last! I'm as hungry as a wolf!
It's exquisite!
I like it without cheese
- Without cheese
- Well, I think I'll come back
- It's expensive, but worth it
- What is this?
It must be a secret of the cooks
- A delicacy
- Exquisite
- There's no more restaurants like this
- They even add grapes
What will the second course be?
We have brazed octopus,
intestine stew,
pork stuffing, fried sausage...
A fly. How could it have gotten in?
And spinach ravioli with cream sauce
We have everything, if we
don't have it, we'll make it
FIRST AID
Come here dear
Forgive me for not staying but
I promised my mother I'd go...
to Princess Altopratti's
thing on the Lefebvre schism
I don't even know where the
house is, I've never been there
The only signpost my
mother gave me is a monument
Isn't it late?
I don't know, if they don't
let you go in talk to the owner
I'll be waiting
- Goodbye
- Goodbye!
See you soon
Thailand St.
Indonesia St.
Burma St.
On the corner of New Zealand
Oceania St.
How strange, I go round the
world but always end up here
Here's the signpost, at least
There's a man there, I should ask him
Good evening kind sir.
Could you do me a favor?
Do you know Cambodia St.?
I need to get there for
Princess Altopratti's thing
They told me it was behind
Mussolini's monument, I think
- My mother told me
- Oh!
But you're badly wounded kind sir!
What happened? A bomb?
Some thieves attacked me. Help me
You ask me for help, kind sir
What can I do for you? I don't know
I don't even have one of
those little first aid kits
It's in the Land Rover, I
take it when I go on safari
It's always useful if your ass gets gored
With a buffalo it's not so bad, but a rhino...
with a rhinoceros, you're screwed
Get me out of here!
Where to? I have a family reuinion
I'm talking about my parents, I can't take you
- To the hospital
- The hospital?
With pleasure, but I
don't know any hospitals...
I only know a private clinic in Geneva
I go once in a while to rest
You want a ride? I see
you've gotten comfortable
I didn't expect this, I've
never given a ride before
Tell me where I should go, because I...
am lost here. This shoe is yours, I suppose
Take me to the hospital, straight through here
Now I see, it must be the one near the Tiber
Let's try to hurry...
because I need to go back for
Princess Altopratti's thing
The old hag must be yawning by now
The hospital!
Yes kind sir. Are you
happy? Me too. We've arrived
Good evening all you kind people!
I have a gravely injured
man here that needs your care
Can you take care of it?
It's full, there's no room
A bus full of Dutch tourists flipped over
Well now! Flipped? Seeing that this
man doesn't speak, you could put him...
with the tourists. He'd pass
as a foreigner. Who would know?
That's not it. The hospital
is full! We have no room
I understand, but he's badly injured,
I found him at Mussolini's monument
He asked me to bring him to the hospital.
I brought him, now what should I do?
Don't waste any time, take
him to another hospital
There's one on the other side of the bridge
- It's just five minutes away
- So I should take him?
- Seeing that you have the means
- I'm the means?
Did you think this white car is an ambulance?
I am Joan Maria
Catalan Belmonte...
and this man is losing a lot
of blood and he got...
the entire interior of my
car dirty. So what do you say?
We say what we can say.
Take him to another hospital!
The Mercy, on the other side of the bridge
Very well. Are you sure? The Mercy?
Thank you for the information
Help
I hope I'll find the Mercy hospital quickly
It's full of tourists, there's
nothing to be done,
they always take the best spots
I know, today everything
is one problem after another
It's better to stay at
home than to be out there
If not you can have unfortunate encounters
The globetrotters that look
for rides, you say no...
and then they insult you,
this is looking serious
I vacuum, I always vaccumed,
always. I don't shoot up
They tell me: You don't
shoot up? No, no I don't
Then you're old fashioned. I am as I am
I take a drink I vaccum and I take a drink
A good cocktail, by the way,
almost like drinking straight
Here it is. Please. Take a drink. Please
You don't drink. You're a teetotaler
This isn't a cocktail like my barman makes me
My dear barman at the club. They're explosive!
I also prefer this antique car
It's useful for many things
Mother and my friends tell
me it's a piece of junk
No, it's not a piece of junk,
it's a room on wheels
I take a girl, put her here
I go to a solitary place that's in touch with nature,
I lay her down on these soft seats...
and I give it to her good over and over again
If you weren't in such a
state and were a woman...
I would've jumped your bones by now
When I talk about these
things I get very excited
Look, out of curiosity. Sit
Sit, for curiosity, sit
Here's the Mercy hospital
Yes, Mercy, I think
Yes, we're here
Wait, don't move
What do you want?
Praised be Jesus and Mary sister
I have a gravely injured
man to which I gave succor
What should I do, do I go in with
a car or do we unload him here?
- We don't do first aid here
- Don't do first aid?
- It says there: "First Aid".
- Until 11 at night
- Until 11?
- Yes
You don't help after that hour?
- No.
Hey, kind sir? Next time get assaulted at 9...
or 10, max, at 11 they won't help you
Sister, I'm Joan Maria
Catalan Belmonte,
devout servant of the pontifical throne
I must leave him, I have an urgent
meeting to discuss the Lefebvre schism
I don't know anything
I'll do everything. I'll
take him, put him in here,
that way you can take him
out when you open tomorrow
There are no exceptions for anyone.
Take him to the military hospital
I have to take him sister?
Praise to Jesus and Mary
Did you hear how that nun
was adamant we leave?
There must be an orgy among
the nuns and orderlies going on
I wouldn't have minded, I like parties
I can't feel my arm anymore...
I can't feel my leg anymore...
It's being in one position
so long! That happens
Also the humidity
It happened to me too when
I was a solitary navigator
Mother would tell me: "You don't
have balls, you're a coward,
as a man you don't exist."
Then I got sick of it...
and one day I said: "Enough!"
"I'll buy a boat and navigate
it around the world by myself."
That's how I did that.
I was a solitary navigator
Day and night, between the sea and the sky
The sea and the sky
Among nature, the master of the world
You don't know what it means
to be a solitary navigator
Alone, in the vastness of the
sea, in solitary meditation
in contact with purest nature
and then you realize: "What an idiot I am...
to take on this journey
that isn't worth shit."
I, of course, tell it as a feat of strength
- But I'd never do it again
- Help...
We're here dear
Sir? Sir!
- Yes?
- Where are you going?
Dear sir, I'm at my limit.
From one end to the other
I went to all the hospitals with
a man that's been massacred
by an pirate of the concrete
seas and is in need of first aid
Is the injured man in the military?
Military? Let's ask the poor bastard?
Excuse me, are you in the military?
He isn't answering, he must be in a coma
We were talking just now
Why must he be in the military?
It's a military hospital, it's for soldiers
The poor man surely did military service
Who hasn't? We've all done it
Joan Mara Catalan Belmonte,
calvary second lieutenant
Cazzanighe
I left the horse in the stalls
What use was it? They assigned
me to the secret service...
of the Ministry of War
for my mastery of languages
Does that surprise you? I was raised by five
nannies that spoke five different languages
Five prostitutes that initiated
me in to satanic eroticism
Later I deserted because I
wanted to go behind enemy lines...
to look for mother, who was
leading a company of her majesty's,
the Queen of Italy, a
refugee in Bari, naturally
When I got to the English lines
I talked to the officer and said:
"I'm going to look for mother."
Just imagined it, they beat me all over
The beating they gave me!
And they would say "Tell us
why you want to cross the line."
"I'm going to look for mother."
And they would hit me
They beat me all over
Evidently the English couldn't
conceive of a grown man...
that goes in search of his mother.
There mothers abandon...
their children like dogs
Where does the term son of a bitch come from?
What should we do with the injured
man, should I take him inside?
We can take military men if they have a pass
Look, I gave him a ride. Please hurry,
I have to go to the Lefebvre
schism, understand me?
If I don't show up they'll kill me
We can't accept civilians,
only men in active service
Forgive me, don't insist,
these are strict orders
I'm sorry, but the time
to say goodbye has come
You must understand the
importance of my meeting
Know what I'll do? I'll leave
you here, where I found you,
at Mussolini's monument
Don't worry dear. Maybe it'll be better there
You could've ended up in
the hands of a mad surgeon...
that's now sleeping after an orgy
He would have opened you up and sewn
you shut, leaving a scalpel inside
Come, kind sir. You know what?
You're much, much better
Even your color has
returned. Goodbye, kind sir
I am infinitely grateful.
You made me aware of places
that I was utterly ignorant of: hospitals
When I tell this story at the club
everyone will be dying of laughter
When I tell them that there's
a hospital where at 11 o'clock
the Mother Superior enforces her curfew
because she has her own things to do
And another where two
gorillas in white tell you...
that the hospital is full of Dutch travellers
And yet another where you can't
get in unless you're a war hero
Luckily I found you at Mussolini's monument
THE SONGBIRD OF VAL PADANA
Nostalgia is in my heart
Night falls and the smiles die
Of all the dreams that have gone so far away
there always remains some lie
The light dims over my home
The sky is full of hope
The happiness that is no longer mine...
leaves only a sad goodbye
Fiorella! You're great!
Fiorella! Wonderful!
You're the best! Go on, you're doing well!
What a voice, what timbre,
what a good tone it has!
Fiorella, you're number one!
No one is your equal.
Go on, you're doing well!
Have you heard? One says Mina,
one says Milva, another says lva!
No one compares to you
From a physical point of
view too. Look at those lips!
And those breasts, how firm they look!
And that ass? You can't see
it now, but she has an ass
... so many promises were in vain...
What a woman boys! You can't imagine it
I would always make love to her
- Would you do it with her??
- Sure, why not?
Bravo, very good. He
said he'd make love to her
- I would do it too
- Fiorella!
You're a force of nature!
Is the coffee ready yet?
- Who is that?
- The singer's husband.
Fiorella! You're extraordinary!
- Come on, let's dance
- No, I want to leave
- Come on
- I'm tired of you
A triumph Mr. Director, a real triumph
You nearly got a standing ovation,
even the technicians were fired up
Excuse me maam
I said it's alright but don't get carried away
They asked what we were doing the next season
There are many engagements and we're tired
You are?
We debut in Rome, then we
have to film a TV special,
a tour through northeastern
Italy, we're going to Argentina...
- Of course
- But I'll try to find an opening...
for another spin around here. We'll be back,
so we can do what we did tonight again
- And we'll speak again
- We'll talk and mingle
Just call me and we'll set something up
What? You haven't hung it up?
I give him a picture and he doesn't hang it up
It's even autographed.
Look how well it turned out
They both turned out well
I'll take the coffee to Fiorella.
Careful, I'm bringing Mrs. Fiorella her coffee
- A triumph
- It's nothing to fuss over
It's enough to listen to the
crowd. They were going wild
How's your throat?
So so, I can't eat anything
Good, that way you'll lose a few pounds.
The important thing is your voice
However, this is the second
time this has happened to you
How is it possible?
This is the second time. How is it possible?
I don't know
What causes this loss of speech?
- I don't know
- Cure that throat
Maybe you should let it rest a while
No, there's work to be done
The worse things are, the more you should work
Work develops the organ and prevents atrophy
Fellow citizens! Tomorrow, in
the Trocadero Club in Caprania...
Fiorella and her brilliant
repertoire of songs...
Italian and International, classical and rock
Everyone with Fiorella in the
Trocadero Club in Caprania.
These dolls
Come here
You don't want to?
No
Come on, it'll do your throat good
My voice is gone, I can't speak
Your voice is gone?
- Your voice is gone!?
- No
Don't say that, not even as a joke
Open your mouth wide, show me
Oh god, it's so inflamed
God, it's so swollen.
Give me a C just to check
In mi bemol.
Damnit, with all those body parts you have
why did it have to be your throat?
Give me a C, let's check
- Father, do something
- I'll dust the dolls
How was the operation?
- We haven't operated yet
- Oh, no?
It's silly, a polyp on the vocal cords
- Thank you
- I would advise against operating
The heart is fatigued due
to a small kidney dysfunction
Small problems that are easy to control
I would postpone it for a few months
This can't be, is this a joke?
Who will take care of her engagements?
You? Your assistant?
Do you know who Fiorella is?
"The Songbird of Val Padana".
That's all well and good, but this
bird needs to recover its wings
I'll be more than happy to
operate her in a few months
No, no, do it right now
Operate on her now. I am her husband
- I take full responsibility
- What responsibility?
St. Biaggio, he who guards
the hands of the surgeons...
guard the hands of the surgeon
here, guard and save her
from all danger, or at least her voice
An autographed picture. An offering
While the boat floats, let it go
While the boat floats, don't row
What's that? What's that?
No, no, no. It's murky!
It's very murky, it's not
the same voice as before!
There's nothing to be done
That butcher of a surgeon
recommended we not operate
The butcher didn't want to operate
He didn't realize what we all have to risk
What will we say in time?
That's how god wanted it!
No one has any pity for our profession
If a soccer player breaks
his leg and plays like shit...
the public doesn't mind and applaudes anway
But a singer, once she
loses her voice, is worthless
Thank you, I ask my public to forgive me....
but I still haven't recovered from my accident
And that's why my voice is so weak
The grasshopper saw the ant one day...
Look what it says: "Fiorella,
to save a child,
fractures her legs."
Subtext: "The singer refuses all publicity"
She threw herself under a car to save him
Fiorella, you saved a child
like Giuseppe Garibaldi
You're Beethoven's Heroica!
You're a great woman Fiorella!
When love arrives,
the bell will ring.
LIKE A QUEEN
It's been so long since
we went out together, eh?
We're together today, are you happy?
Is this car new?
No, I've had it two years now
Then it must be two years since we went out
Mother, would you like a
coffee and cream ice cream?
I'd like it, but I wouldn't
be able to sleep afterwards
Remember when I took you to the gardens?
Of course I remember
One time you got lost and I worried so much
How could I not get lost? You were
always talking to your girlfriends
You didn't pay any attention to me. You did
to Sandro, he was always mommy's favorite
You were both the same to me,
I didn't have any favorites
- Equals, you say?
Yes, yes, equals
You're always looking at your
watch, is it getting late for you?
- No
- Oh, no?
This day is all yours. Eat
- So many trees!
- Yes
- So many!
- That's what I said, this is a paradise
Look. Smell the air
Better than at home
What is this? Where are you taking me?
Nothing. Where am I taking
you? To see a lovely place
I was on the way and I said
"Let's go see what it is!"
Have a look is free, right?
What are we going to see?
What are we going to see? Look!
Have you ever seen a place like this?
One gets tired of being at home
and comes to this great hotel
Free, calm, independant
Let's get off
Come on, off!
Come mother
Come, hug me, like that. Let's fly!
Are you happy?
Look mother
Look at that park. See how big
it is. It gets lost in the horizon
Where can you find this horizon in the city?
I'm alright with you and Patrizia too
We are too. Come on mother,
see what a palace this is
They say that it's wonderful inside
All very antique, come visit it mother
- This is the chapel
- A private chapel!
Like in a noble's house
What mother? You don't ask for the
Virgin's blessing? Little Virgin
Give me your blessing
This is the infirmary,
there are four doctors...
that alternate 24 hours a day
- Did you see the help?
- I'm alright
I know you're alright. What's that old saying?
"A doctor on hand, trouble won't land"
The single bed rooms are all taken
That's a good thing, this way
you'll have someone to talk to
Hello madam
The lady is mute, it's a nervous problem
Yes, I understand. Poor thing
It's alright. Mother is deaf
- I'm deaf?
- Instead of talking to someone...
who never shuts up, now
you'll be able to speak
- To myself?
- To yourself
It's like at home, nothing changes
- Is this the bathroom?
- No, the closet
The bathroom is in the hall, it's a common one
Very good, at least you'll get to talk,
it's not good always driving everywhere
Look at me, 50 and I'm already all rusty
Very well sister
Come mother
Do you like it? What are you doing? Singing?
Mother also knows it. That's good
Lovely voice, eh?
This is the games room
The dining room and the television
- Is it a color one?
- No
That's better, it's bad for your eyesight
It's been a month since it worked
If it's been a month, forget about it
There's the kitchen
What a smell! They told me
the kitchen here was great
- What is there today?
- Bread and cheese
- The lady is quite talkative
- Yes, quite
Excuse me sister
Perhaps it's just a rumor,
I don't believe it but...
...is it true they get beaten?
- You're kidding?
Us? Never! Sometimes, if
they throw a tantrum...
- Yes, of course
...a little slap, like this
Of course, just slow down with those hands
You're already getting used to it!
Very good. What are you talking about?
She wanted a token for the telephone because
she says they don't let her make calls
Can't you see she's joking?
She's pulling your leg
I'll ask her. Mrs Liberata,
may I make a phone call?
- Of course, come here
- You see? Wait here
I'll be right back, don't move
- Please
- Thank you sister
Hello? Hello Patrizia
- Want some? Please
- No thank you sister
No, it's the nun. Yes, we're here
How is it? Um...
How is it?
Patrizia...
You know what I think?
Listen...
I'll almost take her back home
Doctor! Doctor!
Excuse me sister
Mother?
My mother?
- You lost her?
- Yes
There she is. Damn it
Mother! Mother!
You were here? Why'd you go out?
- I told you not to move
- Why did you bring me here?
- Where?
- To the asylum
- The asylum?
- Yes
You frustrate me so easily!
- What does the asylum have to do with it?
- Don't get upset
Mother, we're doing it for you.
For your health. For your well being
Looked after, cared for. Do you
think they do all this for free?
Don't get upset, it's bad for mother
Why do you always get upset?
Who's upset? I'm laughing.
You laugh too mother
We're three little pigs,
we're three brothers
and no one seperates us
- Remember mother?
- I remember
When do you want to bring me?
Eh? When will we bring you?
Anyway, on Thursday
Patrizia and I have to go to Cetona,
the Cruscittis made a country home and...
- Are they fun?
- No, they aren't. I don't know why I'm going
And Patrizia took a month's vacation
The maid left and there's no one
What do you do all alone at home?
What I always do. I've done it many times
That's alright, but I'm always
thinking that you're not a girl anymore
I'm your son, I have the responsability
not like that favorite of
yours to whom you don't matter
No. To me you were both the same
Yes, but it wasn't like that
So you're bringing me Thursday?
Thursday you say? As you wish
What are we doing? We go,
we come, forwards, backwards
Now that we're here
But I didn't bring anything.
I don't have anything
No! You have everything.
You have everything mother
Look! Look what Patrizia prepared for you
Look at that suitcase. She had
a feeling you'd want to stay
She prepared everything, like a daughter.
You always underestimated her,
always treated her like a stranger
- I like Patrizia very much
- She's the one who likes you!
More than her German mother!
Sister, we're here! Mother is staying!
When will you come to see me?
- Always
- Every day?
I can't every day, isn't that so sister?
Yes, only on Sunday
- Oh, tomorrow is Sunday!
- Yes
Tomorrow is almost today. What do you say? You
won't have gotten used to the place by then
Next Sunday you'll have much more to tell me
This is mother's suitcase
Three months in advance like we
agreed on. There's also a bonus
- Goodbye mother
- Goodbye
Goodbye mother dear. How I'll miss you
- Goodbye
- I'd stay with you
but I have to go back
- Goodbye
- Goodbye dear
- Tell Patrizia I said hello!
- Of course! Goodbye
- The chidlren too
- The children too. Everyone
- I'll call you
- Yes, whenever you want
Just let Mrs. Liberata know, right sister?
- Yes
- Yes
Goodbye Franco
What do you mean goodbye
mother? What do you mean goodbye?
Treat her like a queen!
NO WORDS
- You getting on?
- No
Would you carry my baggage?
I'm headed to the pool
- Hello captain
- Hello
I love you...
So much, I love you...
In the air, I love you...
If you look at me like that it
means enough, let's end it...
I love you...
I am, I love you,
deep down I am a man...
who has no cold in his heart,
in bed I rule,
but I tremble before your breast
I hate you and I love you
It's a butterfly that dies beating its wings
The love that is made in a bed,
take my other measure
Today I return to your home
First of May, I'll need courage
I love you and I ask your forgiveness
Remember who I am...
Open the door to a toilet paper warrior...
and give me your light wine
What did you do while I was gone?
And the linen sheets,
give me the sleep of a child
What are you doing? Dream
Frolic and spin and work a little
I want to hug a woman who irons...
while singing and who
doesn't take me seriously...
before making love
Dress up the rage of peace,
covering it with light
I love you and I ask your forgiveness
Remember who I am...
I love you, I love you, I love you...
Give me your light wine...
Do you speak Italian?
French?
English?
What are you doing? Dream
Frolic and spin
and work a little
Make me hug a woman who irons...
while singing and doesn't take me seriously...
before making love
But you, where are you from?
Wait
Where?
Announcing the departure
of the flight to Amsterdam
Go to gate 4. Alitalia, flight 370
Attention, all passengers
waiting for flight...
TVA 940 to Athens and Tel Avis...
please go to gate 13...
Goodbye
Rome, a K-Z airplane
exploded immediately after...
taking off from Fumicio, causing the death...
of all 86 passengers and
the entire flight crew
The current reasoning is
that it was a political attack
In the plane traveled the Prime
Minister Yaser Kaskanian...
who was heading to Geneva
for the convention...
of the heads of state
of third world countries.
An explosive must have been
hidden in a music player
THE FUNERAL EULOGY
His hat
A small hat and a great comedian
His inseperable company, his war banner,
set loose and won on the stage sets
All of us who are symbolically
the great public
are gathered here to lament the
passing of a colleague and master
He who so generously brought
laughter to an entire generation
Formighela!
Goodbye Formighela!
For thirty years I worked by his side...
backing up his work in silence
I proposed it and you acted it out
I did a thousand things, no one laughed
You, with a single thing, what can I say?
By just lifting a finger
you brought on chuckles
- It's true
- Isn't that so?
Now you're gone. You won't cause more laughter
But your repertoire, the
mirror to the soul of Rome,
will live on in the history of theatre
We'll always remember you Formighela
The jokes in the restaurant,
when I, like an idiot, asked:
"Waiter, what is there to eat?"
You immediately responded with:
"I don't know, go look in the kitchen".
What, you laugh?
We'll always remember you Formighela.
When accompanied by a guitar you sang:
"I dream always of your kisses
Your fatal kisses
Your mordant kisses
Your mordant kisses"
I'll also remember you for
the joke about virility,
when I would tell you on the telephone:
"Hello? Hello? Who's calling?"
"Hello, who is it?"
And you would answer:
"Your penis!"
The ticks, the song about the ticks
"The Three Ticks", let's go
I have three nervous ticks. I babble a bit
When I sing, it can't be heard.
When I speak, however, I can
This first tick, a rattle.
The second, a lisp
The third is a draft.
All three torment me
And my dear friend from...
from the old neighborhood
gave me a recommendation...
to a director of the RAI that looked for...
an announcer
I went, and I got...
in line. When my turn came,
I told the director this...
this... this is for you
They threw me out!
When we go out, lights, voices and fantasy
With love, very pretty, very Parisian
This is Paris, this is night, this is Paris
If you come to my house some
day be sure to bring some fantasy
What word do you want to hear?
Italy, Italy, Italy
Yes, we're like that,
we like to laugh in Italy
You won't regret it, you'll
be very happy in Italy
Yes, we're like that,
we like to laugh in Italy
You won't regret it, you'll
be very happy in Italy
Yes, we're like that,
we like to laugh in Italy
You won't regret it, you'll be very happy|
We'll see you for the laughs
In Italy, Italy, Italy
We'll wait for you in Italy
Bravo! Bravo!
- Bravo!
- Very good!
When we go out, lights, voices and fantasy
We'll see you for the laughs
in Italy, Italy, Italy
Yes, we're like that,
we like to laugh in Italy
You won't regret it, you'll
be very happy in Italy
Yes, we're like that,
we like to laugh in Italy
Don't applaude me, rather applaude him
Italy, Italy, Italy
Come and laugh in Italy
THE SONGBIRD OF VAL PADANA
GREETINGS FROM FRIENDS
FIRST AID
LIKE A QUEEN
THE RESTAURAN
NO WORDS
THE FUNERAL EULOGY
Even though it's contaminated by the
effluvium of the neighboring city...
the air here is still pure
It's still rosy, your Emminence
Oh, lavender!
A sprig among the white clothes
I still see my mother,
preparing the armoires...
while my brothers and I
were under the giant fig tree
eating the last of its fruit
This fig tree seems to be cursed by our lord
Maybe the pollution from
the city is too nearby
Very much so. Gaetano?
Are things that grave?
I fear so. It's Sunday
too, everything is closed
I could call an ambulance
Arriving at the inaugartion in an
ambulance doesn't strike me as dignified
So what can we do?
- Clean it again
- Yes, go
With any luck it'll be a disgrace.
The parish is nearby
Let's go
They'll be happy to recieve it
It's closed,
let's try over there
THE MONKS
MORE HOMES
LESS CHURCHES
- We've been waiting for months!
- And the light?
- I have no water in my home!
- I have no gas in mine!
Enough! Will you let me speak?
Perhaps it would be better, your Emminence...
I've complained a thousand
times, I want a solution!
Order, order!
Order
One at a time, democratically
Who has asked to speak?
Let's all go to city hall
and speak to Marcus Aurelius!
The municipality isn't responsible
Then who is?
- They've deliberated
- Who?
- To be more precise, I propose to name...
- Go on!
Shut up for a bit, let me finish!
I propose to name a
commission that will recieve...
- Where, in the city?
- Where else?
- It's always the same thing!
- I want to speak!
- I want to speak!
- Mother, there's one on a red dress
Who is it?
Hello Father.
Forgive me sir.
I don't know what to call you.
Excellence? Emminence?
I don't know
This is the community of the
parish of St. Mathew
To what do we owe the honor of this visit?
What is your name, my son?
I am Don Paolo Arnoldi.
Oh, of course
I've heard of you, friend Paolo
May I sit among you?
Franco! Take a seat
Make yourself comfortable, please
Please
Who has asked to speak?
We hear you.
Who wants to speak?
You won't speak? Did he scare you?
Me, scared? No one does anything
because everything is in ruins
What do you mean, ruins?
It's all cement
- We want a solution!
- Very well
- We'll took it by force!
- Yes, and the police will throw you out
- We could lose everything.
- We'll lose more if we don't try
- You never do anything!
- Shut up fascist!
It's been a year!
A year I've been trying to get
you to understand, to reason!
Seeing as how you can't
agree on anything, we'll vote
- The priest has gotten angry
- What are we voting on?
You won't vote, your Emminence?
No, I don't think it's appropriate
What does his Emminence care?
He washes his hands of it
Did you see, your Emminence? These
unfortunates have been abandoned by all
This is no man's land, and
that's not the only problem
You don't want to give your opinion?
Of course. With true shame and profound agony,
I take the stand to speak to you all
Shame, because I came to your community...
due to a coincidental and everyday
mechanical accident and not forced,
as I should have been,
by any religious feeling
And the pain is real at seeing
the total lack of well-being...
in which you live out your everyday lives
A lack in well-being that
can turn in to violence..
The dumb, the useless,
the stupid violence
I've heard some of you,
you in particular, I believe, say:
"Let's go..."
"Let's take over..."
"Let's attack..."
Look who's talking about violence!
Yes, yes. I... No, no
I exercised violence
Did I changed your mind?
Did I convince you? No!
I only increased your
anger. Isn't that so friend?
So now?
Go on. Go on children
Let's return you to your community
...which at the moment stands accused...
- Son of a bitch
...of neglecting spiritual virtue in favor of,
perhaps in an execissve
manner, social matters,
the betterment of your material conditions
I don't accuse you, no. I don't
accuse you. Although it's true...
that the saints could elevate
themselves even among misery
I recall St. Francis,
the beggar of Assisi,
St. Benito and in thousands
of heroes of the faith...
who managed to get rid of
everything, to be happy in poverty
But they were saints
We aren't
We're imperfect
But how could you not be imperfect?
You who follow a different sort of happiness,
worldly happiness
For us happiness is justice!
Yes, justice
What are you doing? Get out!
- Get out of here
- Begone
Justice, yes brothers,
but, what justice?
What sort of justice?
The justice of a priest who
doesn't feel the responsiblity...
of wearing with dignity the holy vestements?
No, the justice of god
- It isn't the vestements, your Emminence!
- Shut up, let him speak
Very well, Jesus said:
"Blessed are those who hunger for justice
for they shall be satisfied."
But he also said:
"Blessed are the meek, because meekness...
shall be turned into riches"
- When did he say that?
- He said it
- Didn't you see Zefirelli's Jesus?
- Yes, yes
Let us read the Gospel, beloved children,
and remeber Christ's words
"Do not forge a treasure on earth...
where thieves loot and pillage.
Instead forge a treasure in heaven"
What a tongue he has!
- They should make him pope.
- They should.
Today is a day of celebration.
Perhaps not for you,
but surely for me, because I am among you..
my beloved congregation
And I want that this house of the Lord,
which isn't a house of intrigues, or of frolic...
be illuminated with light, like is done...
in palaces on holidays
Light, then, all your lights!
Illuminate your souls!
- Let the light penetrate...
- How beautiful!
- It looks like Christmas
- Yes, Christmas
And all together, children, let us
listen to the old and much loved...
ringing of the bells for the glory of the Lord
Yes, very good, go on little one
And let us express through
the sound of this old organ...
our feelings of faith, of charity, of hope...
of meekness.
Yes, and of obedience
And let us sing together, my
flock, to the glory of the Lord
He will be proud!
Your Emminece, Gaetano is there, we can leave
Raise up your voices!
Let them reach the heavens!
Yes, your grandmother.
Yeah, go to hell.
Yes, of course
Wait a moment
Hello, very kind of you
- Where are you going?
- To Bondano.
What a pity, I'm taking
a detour to Ponzelle first
It's quite a ways away
- You couldn't?
- To Bondano? No, they're waiting for me
Get on anyway. You'll gain
some ground and then...
we'll see. Go on, get in
Very well, get comfortable
I like this, you know? Picking
people up on the road
Women, of course
Because the presence of a woman in the car...
always gives things a touch
of joy. That's how it is
It makes travelling easier too
Oh, these boys...
How can they get in with
the first one that comes by?
They should have some caution.
Don't they read the newspaper?
I mean, sexual violence, rapes
I could see you are a good person
Thank you very much
But I'm still a man
I could even be your father, for example
I hope this question isn't rude
I have a daughter about your age
What did you say your name was?
I didn't say
- Piera.
- Piera?
That's good, like my car
Look here Piera.
Piera! Look
That's the cars name?
- You named your car?
- No, let me explain
I had a secretary for 12 years
Truthfully, she was a
bit more than a secretary
How great for you! Was it romantic?
Romantic, what do you think? I'm
a sentimentalist above all things!
This necklace is lovely!
This is lovely too. What is it?
What is this?
Something typical?
Look here young lady!
Look, 99,979 kilometeters
That means that in 21 kilometers...
we'll be celebrating 100 thousand
What a car young lady!
I'll celebrate it alone,
it's 10 until the detour
Excuse me, but that's the price of the ride
If you ask for a ride, you
should be ready to pay something
I would be willing to take you,
but only if there were...
a valid reason
Do you understand me?
What do you do for a living?
Are you a salesman?
No, textiles. Fabrics. I work from home.
I have a special way with the ladies
Yes, because I am profoundly feminist
Ah, it's what they call black jobs
Holy Virgin, what an ugly expression
Why black? Do you think I swindle people?
Don't you know how many would
be on the street without me?
No one wants to work
nowadays! That's the truth
Young people today don't have the will
They just want to play guitar
I work and my friends do too
Very good, young people should work
It's better than taking to
the streets throwing bombs
Do they do that for you?
My child, don't
you read the newspapers?
Haven't you heard of the muggings,
of people being kidnapped?
The armed groups, the Red Brigade?
It's enough to just open a single page, look
What's written here? Here, for example
Escape? Tell me, I can't
see. What does it say?
FAILED ESCAPE OF THREE DETAINEES
Three detainees escape from
the women's jail in Bovone.
If women escape from jail
nowadays too, we're ready
You can't live in peace
nowadays, that's what I say
Bovone? Bovone is near here
The prisoners had a gun,
with which the youngest...
...gravely injured a guard
- How horrible!
They are Marica Svlatah, 39 years old.
Assunta Scandapico, 36 years old...
and Piera Puzzilo, 20 years old
Twenty years old!
What did you say?
- Piera?
- Yes, Piera Puzzilo, that's me
- What are you doing?
- Keep your foot on the pedal,
don't hit the breaks, go
on like nothing's happening
Like nothing's happening? Please!
a sidestreet, turn there
- What, are we in a movie?
- Do what I say!
Very well
- Take a right here
- Alright, I understood
- Keep going
- Be kind, what do you want?
- Stop here
- What do you want?
- Ah, look!
- What's going on?
A hundred thousand, exactly.
A fated moment
- Yes, this is fate
- Let us rejoice
No, I'm thankful. There's
no shortage of beverages
- Drink!
- No, I don't drink
- Drink!
- I can't!
- Drink!
- My god!
Can you tell me why you escaped today?
You should ask me why I
was there in the first place
- Why were you there?
- It's written there
I killed the director of a bank
- My god!
- This girl is a murderer
Come on, let's get back
on the road. Get it moving
It looks like it won't run anymore
- So now?
- It's got dirt inside, it won't run
- Open the hood
- It's not my car
Open the hood!
Push there please
Where is the hole?
- So?
- I don't know where to push
Imbecile!
Imbecile!
No one taught you anything?
Do you only know about women?
Go find a rag!
GREETINGS FROM FRIENDS
- God bless you.
- You too.
- Until tomorrow
- Have a nice day
- Hello
- Hello, Don Salvatore
- Hello
- Goodbye dear
Don Salvatore!
Greetings from friends
Did he see you? Were your faces bare?
Who shot him?
They shot at me.
When don't they!
THE RESTAURANT!
The bill please!
So we have two servings of pasta, one of soup,
two servings of cake, bread,
half a bottle of wine...
- Goodnight!
- Goodnight architect
- Do you have a place for eight?
- For you, always. We'll put these together
I come all the time, it's quaint but genuine
You'll soon see. I tasted
flavors I forgot even existed
- There's no places like this anymore
- It's marvellous, I like it
I came with my friend Indro Montanelli
the last time he was in Rome
- With Indro?
- He'll write an article
He writes what he wants with that pen
I'll go to New York next week for two days
- Do you like my dog?
- I have a headache...
I'll take your order architect.
What can we get you?
Pork soup for everyone to start with
Eight soups!
- And the house wine!
- How's the soup?
A quite sophisticated broth, yet delicate
Why don't you go to hell? Go to hell!
Cretin, if...
if your mother wasn't dead...
Why don't you go to hell
- You'll like this octopus
- Don't play with the food
And you keep insisting!
What did I do to you to treat me this way?
You'll see
But it will be possible
You were offended by that? Go to hell
You want a war? You'll get it
Idiot. You're an idiot
You're a cretin
You'll soon see, you son of a bitch!
Cretin!
You'll see cretin. Come here
- What are you doing?
- Here you go.
I'll teach you to bother me
Understand? Stop bothering me
Oh, my foot!
- What's happening?
- I don't know
They mortar. They prepare spice like my mother
I'll strangle you!
You need exercise!
I'll kill you once and for all!
Go to hell
I'll kill you this time
I'll shove this up your ass
I'll shove this in your mouth
until it comes out your ass
I'm not a faggot, go to hell
Peace?
Peace
The turkey. They're killing
the turkey right there
They make everything fresh
Do you wanna go on or not?
You give up? You give up, huh?
Alright, now get under the faucet
Get under the faucet so I can clean you
I'll teach you not to bother me
You don't have the balls,
I can beat ten like you
I can't see! I tell you, I can't see!
It's true, I can't see
- Dry off with this
- Thanks
What did you give me bastard, ripe? Go to hell!
You're starting this again?
Eat shit!
Idiot!
Eat shit!
Cretin!
Look what you did
At least put your wig back on
Where is my wig?
- Where is it?
- It must be with the octopus.
- Damn.
- Where is the octopus?
What did you order?
Eight pork soups
This is disgusting!
Give me the plate
What is this?
It's all dirty. You really are bad
- I'm bad
- Yes
- You're bad
- No, you're the one that doesn't like me
You know I like you
If you liked me like I like you...
Go to hell
Ah, because I don't like you
You decide. Do I like him or does he like me?
You should both eat shit
- The clients are waiting...
- We add the sauce...
Put it on better, damnit...
- And?
- What's going on?
You're going like that?
Here it is!
At last! I'm as hungry as a wolf!
It's exquisite!
I like it without cheese
- Without cheese
- Well, I think I'll come back
- It's expensive, but worth it
- What is this?
It must be a secret of the cooks
- A delicacy
- Exquisite
- There's no more restaurants like this
- They even add grapes
What will the second course be?
We have brazed octopus,
intestine stew,
pork stuffing, fried sausage...
A fly. How could it have gotten in?
And spinach ravioli with cream sauce
We have everything, if we
don't have it, we'll make it
FIRST AID
Come here dear
Forgive me for not staying but
I promised my mother I'd go...
to Princess Altopratti's
thing on the Lefebvre schism
I don't even know where the
house is, I've never been there
The only signpost my
mother gave me is a monument
Isn't it late?
I don't know, if they don't
let you go in talk to the owner
I'll be waiting
- Goodbye
- Goodbye!
See you soon
Thailand St.
Indonesia St.
Burma St.
On the corner of New Zealand
Oceania St.
How strange, I go round the
world but always end up here
Here's the signpost, at least
There's a man there, I should ask him
Good evening kind sir.
Could you do me a favor?
Do you know Cambodia St.?
I need to get there for
Princess Altopratti's thing
They told me it was behind
Mussolini's monument, I think
- My mother told me
- Oh!
But you're badly wounded kind sir!
What happened? A bomb?
Some thieves attacked me. Help me
You ask me for help, kind sir
What can I do for you? I don't know
I don't even have one of
those little first aid kits
It's in the Land Rover, I
take it when I go on safari
It's always useful if your ass gets gored
With a buffalo it's not so bad, but a rhino...
with a rhinoceros, you're screwed
Get me out of here!
Where to? I have a family reuinion
I'm talking about my parents, I can't take you
- To the hospital
- The hospital?
With pleasure, but I
don't know any hospitals...
I only know a private clinic in Geneva
I go once in a while to rest
You want a ride? I see
you've gotten comfortable
I didn't expect this, I've
never given a ride before
Tell me where I should go, because I...
am lost here. This shoe is yours, I suppose
Take me to the hospital, straight through here
Now I see, it must be the one near the Tiber
Let's try to hurry...
because I need to go back for
Princess Altopratti's thing
The old hag must be yawning by now
The hospital!
Yes kind sir. Are you
happy? Me too. We've arrived
Good evening all you kind people!
I have a gravely injured
man here that needs your care
Can you take care of it?
It's full, there's no room
A bus full of Dutch tourists flipped over
Well now! Flipped? Seeing that this
man doesn't speak, you could put him...
with the tourists. He'd pass
as a foreigner. Who would know?
That's not it. The hospital
is full! We have no room
I understand, but he's badly injured,
I found him at Mussolini's monument
He asked me to bring him to the hospital.
I brought him, now what should I do?
Don't waste any time, take
him to another hospital
There's one on the other side of the bridge
- It's just five minutes away
- So I should take him?
- Seeing that you have the means
- I'm the means?
Did you think this white car is an ambulance?
I am Joan Maria
Catalan Belmonte...
and this man is losing a lot
of blood and he got...
the entire interior of my
car dirty. So what do you say?
We say what we can say.
Take him to another hospital!
The Mercy, on the other side of the bridge
Very well. Are you sure? The Mercy?
Thank you for the information
Help
I hope I'll find the Mercy hospital quickly
It's full of tourists, there's
nothing to be done,
they always take the best spots
I know, today everything
is one problem after another
It's better to stay at
home than to be out there
If not you can have unfortunate encounters
The globetrotters that look
for rides, you say no...
and then they insult you,
this is looking serious
I vacuum, I always vaccumed,
always. I don't shoot up
They tell me: You don't
shoot up? No, no I don't
Then you're old fashioned. I am as I am
I take a drink I vaccum and I take a drink
A good cocktail, by the way,
almost like drinking straight
Here it is. Please. Take a drink. Please
You don't drink. You're a teetotaler
This isn't a cocktail like my barman makes me
My dear barman at the club. They're explosive!
I also prefer this antique car
It's useful for many things
Mother and my friends tell
me it's a piece of junk
No, it's not a piece of junk,
it's a room on wheels
I take a girl, put her here
I go to a solitary place that's in touch with nature,
I lay her down on these soft seats...
and I give it to her good over and over again
If you weren't in such a
state and were a woman...
I would've jumped your bones by now
When I talk about these
things I get very excited
Look, out of curiosity. Sit
Sit, for curiosity, sit
Here's the Mercy hospital
Yes, Mercy, I think
Yes, we're here
Wait, don't move
What do you want?
Praised be Jesus and Mary sister
I have a gravely injured
man to which I gave succor
What should I do, do I go in with
a car or do we unload him here?
- We don't do first aid here
- Don't do first aid?
- It says there: "First Aid".
- Until 11 at night
- Until 11?
- Yes
You don't help after that hour?
- No.
Hey, kind sir? Next time get assaulted at 9...
or 10, max, at 11 they won't help you
Sister, I'm Joan Maria
Catalan Belmonte,
devout servant of the pontifical throne
I must leave him, I have an urgent
meeting to discuss the Lefebvre schism
I don't know anything
I'll do everything. I'll
take him, put him in here,
that way you can take him
out when you open tomorrow
There are no exceptions for anyone.
Take him to the military hospital
I have to take him sister?
Praise to Jesus and Mary
Did you hear how that nun
was adamant we leave?
There must be an orgy among
the nuns and orderlies going on
I wouldn't have minded, I like parties
I can't feel my arm anymore...
I can't feel my leg anymore...
It's being in one position
so long! That happens
Also the humidity
It happened to me too when
I was a solitary navigator
Mother would tell me: "You don't
have balls, you're a coward,
as a man you don't exist."
Then I got sick of it...
and one day I said: "Enough!"
"I'll buy a boat and navigate
it around the world by myself."
That's how I did that.
I was a solitary navigator
Day and night, between the sea and the sky
The sea and the sky
Among nature, the master of the world
You don't know what it means
to be a solitary navigator
Alone, in the vastness of the
sea, in solitary meditation
in contact with purest nature
and then you realize: "What an idiot I am...
to take on this journey
that isn't worth shit."
I, of course, tell it as a feat of strength
- But I'd never do it again
- Help...
We're here dear
Sir? Sir!
- Yes?
- Where are you going?
Dear sir, I'm at my limit.
From one end to the other
I went to all the hospitals with
a man that's been massacred
by an pirate of the concrete
seas and is in need of first aid
Is the injured man in the military?
Military? Let's ask the poor bastard?
Excuse me, are you in the military?
He isn't answering, he must be in a coma
We were talking just now
Why must he be in the military?
It's a military hospital, it's for soldiers
The poor man surely did military service
Who hasn't? We've all done it
Joan Mara Catalan Belmonte,
calvary second lieutenant
Cazzanighe
I left the horse in the stalls
What use was it? They assigned
me to the secret service...
of the Ministry of War
for my mastery of languages
Does that surprise you? I was raised by five
nannies that spoke five different languages
Five prostitutes that initiated
me in to satanic eroticism
Later I deserted because I
wanted to go behind enemy lines...
to look for mother, who was
leading a company of her majesty's,
the Queen of Italy, a
refugee in Bari, naturally
When I got to the English lines
I talked to the officer and said:
"I'm going to look for mother."
Just imagined it, they beat me all over
The beating they gave me!
And they would say "Tell us
why you want to cross the line."
"I'm going to look for mother."
And they would hit me
They beat me all over
Evidently the English couldn't
conceive of a grown man...
that goes in search of his mother.
There mothers abandon...
their children like dogs
Where does the term son of a bitch come from?
What should we do with the injured
man, should I take him inside?
We can take military men if they have a pass
Look, I gave him a ride. Please hurry,
I have to go to the Lefebvre
schism, understand me?
If I don't show up they'll kill me
We can't accept civilians,
only men in active service
Forgive me, don't insist,
these are strict orders
I'm sorry, but the time
to say goodbye has come
You must understand the
importance of my meeting
Know what I'll do? I'll leave
you here, where I found you,
at Mussolini's monument
Don't worry dear. Maybe it'll be better there
You could've ended up in
the hands of a mad surgeon...
that's now sleeping after an orgy
He would have opened you up and sewn
you shut, leaving a scalpel inside
Come, kind sir. You know what?
You're much, much better
Even your color has
returned. Goodbye, kind sir
I am infinitely grateful.
You made me aware of places
that I was utterly ignorant of: hospitals
When I tell this story at the club
everyone will be dying of laughter
When I tell them that there's
a hospital where at 11 o'clock
the Mother Superior enforces her curfew
because she has her own things to do
And another where two
gorillas in white tell you...
that the hospital is full of Dutch travellers
And yet another where you can't
get in unless you're a war hero
Luckily I found you at Mussolini's monument
THE SONGBIRD OF VAL PADANA
Nostalgia is in my heart
Night falls and the smiles die
Of all the dreams that have gone so far away
there always remains some lie
The light dims over my home
The sky is full of hope
The happiness that is no longer mine...
leaves only a sad goodbye
Fiorella! You're great!
Fiorella! Wonderful!
You're the best! Go on, you're doing well!
What a voice, what timbre,
what a good tone it has!
Fiorella, you're number one!
No one is your equal.
Go on, you're doing well!
Have you heard? One says Mina,
one says Milva, another says lva!
No one compares to you
From a physical point of
view too. Look at those lips!
And those breasts, how firm they look!
And that ass? You can't see
it now, but she has an ass
... so many promises were in vain...
What a woman boys! You can't imagine it
I would always make love to her
- Would you do it with her??
- Sure, why not?
Bravo, very good. He
said he'd make love to her
- I would do it too
- Fiorella!
You're a force of nature!
Is the coffee ready yet?
- Who is that?
- The singer's husband.
Fiorella! You're extraordinary!
- Come on, let's dance
- No, I want to leave
- Come on
- I'm tired of you
A triumph Mr. Director, a real triumph
You nearly got a standing ovation,
even the technicians were fired up
Excuse me maam
I said it's alright but don't get carried away
They asked what we were doing the next season
There are many engagements and we're tired
You are?
We debut in Rome, then we
have to film a TV special,
a tour through northeastern
Italy, we're going to Argentina...
- Of course
- But I'll try to find an opening...
for another spin around here. We'll be back,
so we can do what we did tonight again
- And we'll speak again
- We'll talk and mingle
Just call me and we'll set something up
What? You haven't hung it up?
I give him a picture and he doesn't hang it up
It's even autographed.
Look how well it turned out
They both turned out well
I'll take the coffee to Fiorella.
Careful, I'm bringing Mrs. Fiorella her coffee
- A triumph
- It's nothing to fuss over
It's enough to listen to the
crowd. They were going wild
How's your throat?
So so, I can't eat anything
Good, that way you'll lose a few pounds.
The important thing is your voice
However, this is the second
time this has happened to you
How is it possible?
This is the second time. How is it possible?
I don't know
What causes this loss of speech?
- I don't know
- Cure that throat
Maybe you should let it rest a while
No, there's work to be done
The worse things are, the more you should work
Work develops the organ and prevents atrophy
Fellow citizens! Tomorrow, in
the Trocadero Club in Caprania...
Fiorella and her brilliant
repertoire of songs...
Italian and International, classical and rock
Everyone with Fiorella in the
Trocadero Club in Caprania.
These dolls
Come here
You don't want to?
No
Come on, it'll do your throat good
My voice is gone, I can't speak
Your voice is gone?
- Your voice is gone!?
- No
Don't say that, not even as a joke
Open your mouth wide, show me
Oh god, it's so inflamed
God, it's so swollen.
Give me a C just to check
In mi bemol.
Damnit, with all those body parts you have
why did it have to be your throat?
Give me a C, let's check
- Father, do something
- I'll dust the dolls
How was the operation?
- We haven't operated yet
- Oh, no?
It's silly, a polyp on the vocal cords
- Thank you
- I would advise against operating
The heart is fatigued due
to a small kidney dysfunction
Small problems that are easy to control
I would postpone it for a few months
This can't be, is this a joke?
Who will take care of her engagements?
You? Your assistant?
Do you know who Fiorella is?
"The Songbird of Val Padana".
That's all well and good, but this
bird needs to recover its wings
I'll be more than happy to
operate her in a few months
No, no, do it right now
Operate on her now. I am her husband
- I take full responsibility
- What responsibility?
St. Biaggio, he who guards
the hands of the surgeons...
guard the hands of the surgeon
here, guard and save her
from all danger, or at least her voice
An autographed picture. An offering
While the boat floats, let it go
While the boat floats, don't row
What's that? What's that?
No, no, no. It's murky!
It's very murky, it's not
the same voice as before!
There's nothing to be done
That butcher of a surgeon
recommended we not operate
The butcher didn't want to operate
He didn't realize what we all have to risk
What will we say in time?
That's how god wanted it!
No one has any pity for our profession
If a soccer player breaks
his leg and plays like shit...
the public doesn't mind and applaudes anway
But a singer, once she
loses her voice, is worthless
Thank you, I ask my public to forgive me....
but I still haven't recovered from my accident
And that's why my voice is so weak
The grasshopper saw the ant one day...
Look what it says: "Fiorella,
to save a child,
fractures her legs."
Subtext: "The singer refuses all publicity"
She threw herself under a car to save him
Fiorella, you saved a child
like Giuseppe Garibaldi
You're Beethoven's Heroica!
You're a great woman Fiorella!
When love arrives,
the bell will ring.
LIKE A QUEEN
It's been so long since
we went out together, eh?
We're together today, are you happy?
Is this car new?
No, I've had it two years now
Then it must be two years since we went out
Mother, would you like a
coffee and cream ice cream?
I'd like it, but I wouldn't
be able to sleep afterwards
Remember when I took you to the gardens?
Of course I remember
One time you got lost and I worried so much
How could I not get lost? You were
always talking to your girlfriends
You didn't pay any attention to me. You did
to Sandro, he was always mommy's favorite
You were both the same to me,
I didn't have any favorites
- Equals, you say?
Yes, yes, equals
You're always looking at your
watch, is it getting late for you?
- No
- Oh, no?
This day is all yours. Eat
- So many trees!
- Yes
- So many!
- That's what I said, this is a paradise
Look. Smell the air
Better than at home
What is this? Where are you taking me?
Nothing. Where am I taking
you? To see a lovely place
I was on the way and I said
"Let's go see what it is!"
Have a look is free, right?
What are we going to see?
What are we going to see? Look!
Have you ever seen a place like this?
One gets tired of being at home
and comes to this great hotel
Free, calm, independant
Let's get off
Come on, off!
Come mother
Come, hug me, like that. Let's fly!
Are you happy?
Look mother
Look at that park. See how big
it is. It gets lost in the horizon
Where can you find this horizon in the city?
I'm alright with you and Patrizia too
We are too. Come on mother,
see what a palace this is
They say that it's wonderful inside
All very antique, come visit it mother
- This is the chapel
- A private chapel!
Like in a noble's house
What mother? You don't ask for the
Virgin's blessing? Little Virgin
Give me your blessing
This is the infirmary,
there are four doctors...
that alternate 24 hours a day
- Did you see the help?
- I'm alright
I know you're alright. What's that old saying?
"A doctor on hand, trouble won't land"
The single bed rooms are all taken
That's a good thing, this way
you'll have someone to talk to
Hello madam
The lady is mute, it's a nervous problem
Yes, I understand. Poor thing
It's alright. Mother is deaf
- I'm deaf?
- Instead of talking to someone...
who never shuts up, now
you'll be able to speak
- To myself?
- To yourself
It's like at home, nothing changes
- Is this the bathroom?
- No, the closet
The bathroom is in the hall, it's a common one
Very good, at least you'll get to talk,
it's not good always driving everywhere
Look at me, 50 and I'm already all rusty
Very well sister
Come mother
Do you like it? What are you doing? Singing?
Mother also knows it. That's good
Lovely voice, eh?
This is the games room
The dining room and the television
- Is it a color one?
- No
That's better, it's bad for your eyesight
It's been a month since it worked
If it's been a month, forget about it
There's the kitchen
What a smell! They told me
the kitchen here was great
- What is there today?
- Bread and cheese
- The lady is quite talkative
- Yes, quite
Excuse me sister
Perhaps it's just a rumor,
I don't believe it but...
...is it true they get beaten?
- You're kidding?
Us? Never! Sometimes, if
they throw a tantrum...
- Yes, of course
...a little slap, like this
Of course, just slow down with those hands
You're already getting used to it!
Very good. What are you talking about?
She wanted a token for the telephone because
she says they don't let her make calls
Can't you see she's joking?
She's pulling your leg
I'll ask her. Mrs Liberata,
may I make a phone call?
- Of course, come here
- You see? Wait here
I'll be right back, don't move
- Please
- Thank you sister
Hello? Hello Patrizia
- Want some? Please
- No thank you sister
No, it's the nun. Yes, we're here
How is it? Um...
How is it?
Patrizia...
You know what I think?
Listen...
I'll almost take her back home
Doctor! Doctor!
Excuse me sister
Mother?
My mother?
- You lost her?
- Yes
There she is. Damn it
Mother! Mother!
You were here? Why'd you go out?
- I told you not to move
- Why did you bring me here?
- Where?
- To the asylum
- The asylum?
- Yes
You frustrate me so easily!
- What does the asylum have to do with it?
- Don't get upset
Mother, we're doing it for you.
For your health. For your well being
Looked after, cared for. Do you
think they do all this for free?
Don't get upset, it's bad for mother
Why do you always get upset?
Who's upset? I'm laughing.
You laugh too mother
We're three little pigs,
we're three brothers
and no one seperates us
- Remember mother?
- I remember
When do you want to bring me?
Eh? When will we bring you?
Anyway, on Thursday
Patrizia and I have to go to Cetona,
the Cruscittis made a country home and...
- Are they fun?
- No, they aren't. I don't know why I'm going
And Patrizia took a month's vacation
The maid left and there's no one
What do you do all alone at home?
What I always do. I've done it many times
That's alright, but I'm always
thinking that you're not a girl anymore
I'm your son, I have the responsability
not like that favorite of
yours to whom you don't matter
No. To me you were both the same
Yes, but it wasn't like that
So you're bringing me Thursday?
Thursday you say? As you wish
What are we doing? We go,
we come, forwards, backwards
Now that we're here
But I didn't bring anything.
I don't have anything
No! You have everything.
You have everything mother
Look! Look what Patrizia prepared for you
Look at that suitcase. She had
a feeling you'd want to stay
She prepared everything, like a daughter.
You always underestimated her,
always treated her like a stranger
- I like Patrizia very much
- She's the one who likes you!
More than her German mother!
Sister, we're here! Mother is staying!
When will you come to see me?
- Always
- Every day?
I can't every day, isn't that so sister?
Yes, only on Sunday
- Oh, tomorrow is Sunday!
- Yes
Tomorrow is almost today. What do you say? You
won't have gotten used to the place by then
Next Sunday you'll have much more to tell me
This is mother's suitcase
Three months in advance like we
agreed on. There's also a bonus
- Goodbye mother
- Goodbye
Goodbye mother dear. How I'll miss you
- Goodbye
- I'd stay with you
but I have to go back
- Goodbye
- Goodbye dear
- Tell Patrizia I said hello!
- Of course! Goodbye
- The chidlren too
- The children too. Everyone
- I'll call you
- Yes, whenever you want
Just let Mrs. Liberata know, right sister?
- Yes
- Yes
Goodbye Franco
What do you mean goodbye
mother? What do you mean goodbye?
Treat her like a queen!
NO WORDS
- You getting on?
- No
Would you carry my baggage?
I'm headed to the pool
- Hello captain
- Hello
I love you...
So much, I love you...
In the air, I love you...
If you look at me like that it
means enough, let's end it...
I love you...
I am, I love you,
deep down I am a man...
who has no cold in his heart,
in bed I rule,
but I tremble before your breast
I hate you and I love you
It's a butterfly that dies beating its wings
The love that is made in a bed,
take my other measure
Today I return to your home
First of May, I'll need courage
I love you and I ask your forgiveness
Remember who I am...
Open the door to a toilet paper warrior...
and give me your light wine
What did you do while I was gone?
And the linen sheets,
give me the sleep of a child
What are you doing? Dream
Frolic and spin and work a little
I want to hug a woman who irons...
while singing and who
doesn't take me seriously...
before making love
Dress up the rage of peace,
covering it with light
I love you and I ask your forgiveness
Remember who I am...
I love you, I love you, I love you...
Give me your light wine...
Do you speak Italian?
French?
English?
What are you doing? Dream
Frolic and spin
and work a little
Make me hug a woman who irons...
while singing and doesn't take me seriously...
before making love
But you, where are you from?
Wait
Where?
Announcing the departure
of the flight to Amsterdam
Go to gate 4. Alitalia, flight 370
Attention, all passengers
waiting for flight...
TVA 940 to Athens and Tel Avis...
please go to gate 13...
Goodbye
Rome, a K-Z airplane
exploded immediately after...
taking off from Fumicio, causing the death...
of all 86 passengers and
the entire flight crew
The current reasoning is
that it was a political attack
In the plane traveled the Prime
Minister Yaser Kaskanian...
who was heading to Geneva
for the convention...
of the heads of state
of third world countries.
An explosive must have been
hidden in a music player
THE FUNERAL EULOGY
His hat
A small hat and a great comedian
His inseperable company, his war banner,
set loose and won on the stage sets
All of us who are symbolically
the great public
are gathered here to lament the
passing of a colleague and master
He who so generously brought
laughter to an entire generation
Formighela!
Goodbye Formighela!
For thirty years I worked by his side...
backing up his work in silence
I proposed it and you acted it out
I did a thousand things, no one laughed
You, with a single thing, what can I say?
By just lifting a finger
you brought on chuckles
- It's true
- Isn't that so?
Now you're gone. You won't cause more laughter
But your repertoire, the
mirror to the soul of Rome,
will live on in the history of theatre
We'll always remember you Formighela
The jokes in the restaurant,
when I, like an idiot, asked:
"Waiter, what is there to eat?"
You immediately responded with:
"I don't know, go look in the kitchen".
What, you laugh?
We'll always remember you Formighela.
When accompanied by a guitar you sang:
"I dream always of your kisses
Your fatal kisses
Your mordant kisses
Your mordant kisses"
I'll also remember you for
the joke about virility,
when I would tell you on the telephone:
"Hello? Hello? Who's calling?"
"Hello, who is it?"
And you would answer:
"Your penis!"
The ticks, the song about the ticks
"The Three Ticks", let's go
I have three nervous ticks. I babble a bit
When I sing, it can't be heard.
When I speak, however, I can
This first tick, a rattle.
The second, a lisp
The third is a draft.
All three torment me
And my dear friend from...
from the old neighborhood
gave me a recommendation...
to a director of the RAI that looked for...
an announcer
I went, and I got...
in line. When my turn came,
I told the director this...
this... this is for you
They threw me out!
When we go out, lights, voices and fantasy
With love, very pretty, very Parisian
This is Paris, this is night, this is Paris
If you come to my house some
day be sure to bring some fantasy
What word do you want to hear?
Italy, Italy, Italy
Yes, we're like that,
we like to laugh in Italy
You won't regret it, you'll
be very happy in Italy
Yes, we're like that,
we like to laugh in Italy
You won't regret it, you'll
be very happy in Italy
Yes, we're like that,
we like to laugh in Italy
You won't regret it, you'll be very happy|
We'll see you for the laughs
In Italy, Italy, Italy
We'll wait for you in Italy
Bravo! Bravo!
- Bravo!
- Very good!
When we go out, lights, voices and fantasy
We'll see you for the laughs
in Italy, Italy, Italy
Yes, we're like that,
we like to laugh in Italy
You won't regret it, you'll
be very happy in Italy
Yes, we're like that,
we like to laugh in Italy
Don't applaude me, rather applaude him
Italy, Italy, Italy
Come and laugh in Italy
THE SONGBIRD OF VAL PADANA
GREETINGS FROM FRIENDS
FIRST AID
LIKE A QUEEN
THE RESTAURAN
NO WORDS
THE FUNERAL EULOGY