Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000) Movie Script

Well, look what rolled in.
You know, at first, I thought you was
old-ass Raisinet riding on a skateboard.
I'd like to come over there and choke the
life out of you right in front of Jesus.
Sweet Lord, give me strength. Don't make
me have to whup nobody's head in church.
Ignore him, Lord.
Ignore all his prayers.
He ain't nothing, never did nothing.
Give him a stroke or something.
Do you, Sherman Klump?
Yes, I do.
Indeed, I do.
Happy day, happy day.
Happy day, my ass.
Oh, he look handsome.
Oh, my baby's finally getting married. Never
thought I'd live to see the day. Finally.
Oh, here she comes.
Here she comes.
I'm gonna cry. I promised myself I'm
wasn't gonna cry. Now I'm gonna cry.
Yeah, all right.
You may be seated.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, thank God.
I always knew he'd find
the right girl. Always knew.
You see the Indian in her cheekbones?
Ooh! Sherman, Sherman. Sherman.
Sherman, Sherman, Sherman.
Sherman! Oh, Lord.
Shh, my baby's so stupid.
Dearly beloved,
we have gathered here today... join these two people
in holy matrimony.
- Praise the Lord.
- The eminent scientist, Professor Sherman Klump...
- Mm-hmm.
- And his longtime sweetheart...
Denise Gaines.
Oh, Sherman.
If anyone has any reason why these two
should not be wed, let him speak now...
...or forever hold his penis.
Oh, Sherman.
That's it, son. Show 'em
what the Klumps are made of!
- Sherman, put that away.
- Sherman, calm down, baby. Save it for the honeymoon.
- Hey, Sherman, calm down, boy.
What's wrong with you?
Now that boy could use
some ass freshener!
- This is some scary shit.
- Yeah, like The Outer Limits.
No, don't hurt yourself, baby.
You are coming with Buddy.
- No! No!
- See you later, chunky butt!
And then I wake up
in a cold sweat.
And then I wake up
in a cold sweat.
How often do you have this
dream? More and more lately.
You seem to be very fond
of this girl, Denise.
My God, she is so special to me.
But how's she gonna love me when I got Buddy
Love inside me? I wanna be perfect for her.
No one is perfect, Sherman.
You need to understand that
Buddy Love is a representation...
...of the uninhibited,
hedonistic id.
- He is not a real person.
- Buddy Love is real!
Well, he was real, and he does
take control of me sometimes.
You will never learn to control him... Sherman!
...until you accept the fact
that he is a part of you.
Yeah, and the best part too! And
I'll tell you something else, punk!
All these diplomas on this wall
don't make up for the fact...
...that you got a little Vienna
sausage in your drawers.
- Is that why they call you
a shrink? - Shut up, fat a-
Yeah, yes. Session got a little outta
- Outta control.
You see, we all have
a little Buddy Love inside us.
Yeah. But we can't let him rule our lives.
You're in charge, Sherman.
Can you say that for me?
I'm in charge.
Can't hear you.
- I'm in charge.
- Can't hear you!
I'm in charge!
Sorry about that.
Yeah. Klump in charge! I'm in charge!
He's right. I am in charge.
Klump in charge. Yes, indeed.
Good afternoon, ladies.
Hey, Professor Klump. How's it
going? Fantastic. How about yourself?
Klump in charge.
Afternoon. Good day. Hi.
How you doing?
Wonderful day.
- Beautiful day, isn't it, Professor?
- Bite me, old hag. Oh!
- What?
- Uh, uh, I said, he likes me. Look at him wag.
Hey, little fella.
See that little tail wagging?
Have a good day. I'm in charge. My goodness.
Kinda hot today, huh, Professor?
You have no idea how hot it is.
- Hot! Nice and hot!
- Oh, Professor! I loved your lecture the other day.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much.
It's all in my head. It's all
in my head... I'm in control.
Yeah, keep tellin'
yourself that, bubble butt!
It is theoretically possible
to isolate the elements...
...of an individual's genetic
makeup and separate them.
Now someday, we may be able to locate an
unhealthy risk factor in our DNA and remove it.
Excuse me. Beg your pardon.
I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
Whether this is advisable
is another question entirely.
Oh, my eye!
Oh, Professor Klump.
Oh! Professor Gaines,
how are you?
I was hoping I might be able
to sit in on your lecture.
I'm sure we can accommodate you
since you were so quiet coming in.
Well, it's very hard
to be quiet...
...when you're lecturing
on genomic extractions.
I think it's very exciting.
Oh, I agree completely.
Something about the way the nucleotides
cohere with the target sequence.
Yeah. I always say, if you can't be
with the nucleotide that you love...
...cohere with
the one you're with.
- Yeah.
- Uh, anyway as I was-
Uh, I want those
lab reports on my desk.
No excuses.
I'll see you next time.
Professor Gaines.
Oh, Professor Klump.
Um, yes, I was, um-
I was wondering if you had a-
- Dean Richmond, we were-
- Just having... A little chat.
Don't be bashful,
Professor Gaines.
Pound for pound, this big lug's the
greatest scientist on the planet.
And let's be honest, pound for pound,
he is a planet. That's said with love.
- Did you get those goo-goo clusters
I sent you? - Yes, I did, thank you...
...but I'm on a diet right now,
so I can't eat 'em.
And it's working beautifully.
No, I'm telling you.
When I came in, with this light and in that
outfit, you could really think for a second that-
Anyway, you said you had
something to show me.
I am so excited about this, Dean. You will be too.
You got that? Come on. Jason, where's our patient?
Right here, Professor.
Come on, boy.
Now this is Buster. Buster suffers from
acute arthritis and diminished vision...
...which are both signs
of advanced aging.
We're gonna see if we can fix all of Buster's
problems right now, aren't we, Buster?
Yes, we are.
This little experiment...
...makes use of Professor Gaines's
brilliant research on gene targeting.
Now, if I've composed
this formula properly...
...this should be most impressive.
All right, Buster.
...jiminy freaking Cricket!
Sherman, this is amazing.
You've just discovered
- The fountain of youth. This is huge.
Do you have any idea what you've
done? This is unbelievable. We're rich.
We're gonna have every
pharmaceutical company in the world...
...lining up
to throw money at us.
Of course, it all has to be
properly tested first.
Exactly, yes. He makes an interesting
point. Here's another. Shut up!
Besides, look at the little fella.
He can lick his own winky again.
There's not a guy in the world
who wouldn't wanna do that.
Dean Richmond!
The effect is only temporary.
I'm sorry, sir. You're sorry?
Oh, my goodness. I'm just trying not
to think where that tongue has been!
You all right?
Klump, party of six, please.
Yes, and we're hungry.
Mama, you know, you really look
good. Have you been losing weight?
Oh, thank you, baby, no, but I'm
getting ready to start a new diet.
Have some of this ambrosia.
I don't even like ambrosia.
Don't tell me you don't like ambrosia.
You had some before, and you liked it.
Have some adventure! Oh, now I'm a child
- I don't know what I like.
...for the all-girls
soccer team.
Let me get that for you.
Oh, my baby's so gallant.
Sherman, come here. And it's called
"All the pork you can eat" diet.
You can have all the pork you want.
You can have ham, bacon, sausage.
I got the wrong thing. Take that. Thank you.
Now I got a full portion.
Whatever you wanna eat...
...just as long as you have three glasses
of grapefruit juice afterwards...
...because the grapefruit juice
breaks down all the unwanted-
Get away from there!
Stop that! Baby!
Honey, get the baby. He's a boy, and
boys don't be doing stuff like that.
- Hey! Get your ass-
- What?
Please teach that boy manners. He ain't
gonna be acting like no hooligan with me.
That was a spoon or fork? That was a
spoon. All right. Boys will be boys.
Boys will be boys.
Oh, this looks fabulous.
Yeah, it looks really good.
How about getting another bottle of
red over here? Get some more wine.
Hey, Ernie, maybe you wanna pace
yourself and take it easy, huh?
Pace myself? Hey, this is a
celebration for Daddy retiring.
We owe it to Daddy to get shit-faced,
and I'm gonna get shit-faced.
By the way,
congratulations, Mr. Klump.
She's so polite. Look here, Denise, you
have to stop that "Mr. Klump" stuff...
'cause I've been hearing that for the last
year or so, and I'm starting to feel old.
- I ain't an old man.
- You is an old man.
Ah, shit, Grandma,
what's wrong with you?
If it isn't the Alzheimer's
Express right on schedule!
- Stop that! Hi, Mama.
- She drove right on my bunion.
Y'all have to excuse me
for being late.
If you weren't my grandmother, boy
- If you weren't my grandmother!
Me and Isaac started getting
kinda frisky in the car.
- Ooh!
- Had to give him a little appetizer.
Ooh, Mama.
- I just lost my damn appetite.
- Mama, your dress is undone. Let me zip you up.
Hurry. Zip her up in the back
before she starts looking... one of them Zulu hags on
the cover of National Geographic.
- Cletus, what's wrong with you? That's my mother.
- Like that movie, Shaka Zulu.
You know something, Cletus?
Come on. Come on right now!
I'm gonna tell you something.
I got a razor in this bag.
Oh, yeah, I'll tell you what. That ain't
even no bag in your hand. That's your titty.
Oh, jesus!
She's an old bag with old bag
titties. Cletus, you out of your mind?
He called your grandma's titty
a bag.
- Death!
- Cletus Marcellus Klump.
If it isn't the world's
oldest living Negro?
Hey, how are things going on
the Underground Railroad, Isaac?
Oh, Cletus, please, be nice to
Mr. Isaac. Good evening, Mr. Isaac.
Come on and have a seat.
Good evening, Mr. Isaac.
How you doing tonight?
Isaac know I'm playing. I play with Isaac
all the time. You know I'm messing with you.
Oh, yeah, you say
what you wanna say...
...but Isaac's still like a Brahma bull
when it comes to relations, right, baby?
You know what they say?
You're as young as you feel.
- Well, I must be 197.
- Klump, funny you should say that.
Denise and I have been doing some research
on aging, which has proven to be promising.
Ooh, Baby,
don't belch in public.
Grandma don't wanna hear all that
nastiness. He bringing the bass, huh?
You plan to eat, you gonna
be belching, cover your mouth.
Hey, look, your grandpa ate
a whole plate of beans... don't see me doing
the ol' butt trumpet, do you?
Thank the Lord. We don't have
to hear all that nasty imagery.
- Butts and trumpets.
- I'm gonna tell my grandson what I wanna say.
Hey, can we get some toothpick?
Some toothpick!
If I wanna put a trumpet in my ass and
run around this restaurant and blow...
"Hallelujah, Yankee Doodle,"
that's my business!
All I'm hearing is trumpets and
asses. I don't wanna hear that.
You watch it now.
You reach over here again,
you gonna pull back a nub.
- Oh, Cletus, she's fiery.
I like that.
Tell me, don't touch the chicken.
Don't be hitting on people.
I don't be getting hit on,
Sherman, you know that.
Better eat up, Isaac, 'cause
you gonna need your strength.
Yeah, later on, me and Isaac gonna
watch Mating Season on the Serengeti.
- Oooh!
- Don't take a lot to get Isaac going.
- Time out! Let me call a time out on that.
- Lord, my, my.
- I don't wanna hear about you
old-ass geriatrics. - Oh, yeah, Cletus?
Me and Isaac might be
dried-up geriatrics...
...but ain't nothing wrong
with Isaac's love tackle.
- Ooh, Mama.
- Oh, snap now.
Hmm? What's the matter, Cletus, cat got
your tongue? Step on a nerve, Cletus?
I get you. Got you, got you. Got ya!
These potatoes sure are
scrumptious, aren't they?
- Ain't that a kick in the head.
- Yes, they're scrumptious, aren't they?
Potato, my ass.
Ain't that a kick in the head?
- What that piece of spaghetti remind you of?
- Oh!
- Oh, Grandma, now, come on. That's enough now.
- Sure enough.
Maybe Mr. Johnson, perhaps?
Oh, Lord have mercy.
- Let me tell you, old woman.
What I do in my bedroom is
my business. You understand?
Only thing you do in your bedroom
is pull the lint off your scrotum.
Now it's getting thick.
- See? That's the last straw.
- I think I'm gonna propose a toast.
- Let's make a toast.
- To Daddy.
- Hear! Hear!
After 35 years of hard work in the
construction business, Thirty-five years!
Daddy's gonna finally get a
chance to relax. Gonna get to relax...
- This is true. - Damn
right. - I'd just like to say-
When you gonna stop jiving and
tell everybody you got laid off?
Oh, my God.
He's choking.
Hey, somebody put the "Hemlock"
on him? Put your arm up!
The "Hemlock move. " Give me a knife and
straw. I'm gonna give him a tracheotomy.
I seen them do it on E.R.
It's all right, folks.
Everything's under control.
Cletus. No, Cletus. Where
you going? Sherman! Cletus!
- Dad, where you
going? - Daddy! - Oh!
Now you see what you did, joe College?
You done messed up the whole party.
...jason, I just know I'm not the
one saying all those awful things.
It was him. You may be right,
Professor. Take a look at this reading.
Right there. Recombining with the gene
that governs testosterone production.
Buddy Love.
I told you.
That's Buddy Love.
Don't panic. All right.
We should be able to get rid of
him. According to Denise's theories...
...we should be able to isolate that
gene and extract it. No, no way.
Professor, what you're talking
about is extremely dangerous.
Those traces of Buddy must've been
in your system this whole time.
You've been able to keep them under
control. Not anymore. He's back now.
He's coming back 'cause he knows I'm
happy and he wanna ruin everything.
Yeah, but he is not a he.
He is a gene.
He's just part of you.
Oh, no, he's not.
Am I interrupting?
Oh, uh, not at all. We were just
doing some last-minute tests on Buster.
Uh, Sherman, can I talk to you
in private for just a second?
Sherman, I got a call today...
...and, well, I've been offered a full
professorship at the University of Maine.
University of Maine? But,
Denise, that's in Maine. Yeah.
Well, uh, that's a fine
department over there in Maine.
It is gonna be a...
...tremendous loss
to Wellman, though.
Well, I haven't decided to
leave just yet. You haven't?
Well, no, I mean-
There's something
very important to me here...
...and I'm not so sure
I can just leave it behind.
Well, Denise, you can finish the
research we started on your own.
Sherman, I'm not talking about research. Really?
you're very special to me.
Oh, well, uh,
I didn't...
...think you and I
would ever- Ever-
...because of-
How can I put it? Because I'm
- Big.
Yeah. I was gonna say fat,
but, yeah.
Big is better, yep.
Sherman, that doesn't matter to
me. What matters to me is that...'re kind and decent.
You are... The most brilliant man I've ever known.
Uh, speaking of which, I shouldn't
keep you from your research..., um,
I'll talk to you later.
Okay, I'll see you soon.
My goodness.
You okay?
Yeah. I just don't wanna
hurt her,Jason.
Then you won't.
Hey, you can control Buddy.
You know, it's funny how you get used
to certain things in life, you know?
You get used to being overweight. I know I did.
You even get used to people
making fun of you.
Somewhere along the line,
I got used to being alone.
And I just don't wanna
be alone anymore.
Denise! Denise!
Oh, Sherman,
the flowers are beautiful.
But what are you doing down
there? Please, come inside.
...just a minute. Let me do
something first. Come here, guys.
I just wanna say that...
...working alongside you
this past year...
...getting to know you
and be close to you-'s been the most
wonderful time of my life.
How lovely.
I'd just like to say that- doesn't matter if you wanna take
that other job or if you wanna stay here.
What matters to me most
is that you're happy.
Denise, I have something
that I wanna ask you.
Denise Gaines-
Yes, Sherman?
Denise, will you-
Well, ask her!
Denise, will you
- Hey, Sherman. You hear me, Sherman?
Denise, will you-
will you...
...let me come up there
and put my beef in your taco?
Oh, no, no, no, no!
That's not what I meant to say,
Denise. That was a littlejoke.
A little joke. I wanted to see if you
wanted to go out and get Mexican food.
That's why I said that. Well,
I am kinda hungry, but I'm not-
Yeah, you are, huh? I bet you could
stand for a big ol' Whopper right now.
- You're sick!
- I got to tell you, I'm a Jumbo Jack man myself.
Yeah, and I'm loaded
with secret sauce.
And I'd like to come up there,
and take my crotch puppet... the midnight show
at Fuzzy's if you let me.
Yeah! Come on! Oh, yeah!
Back that thing up! Yeah!
Come on! Come on!
Come on!
Make it funky!
You're gonna ruin my lawn,
you pervert!
Put on the good ass!
Sherman, I don't know what's gotten
into you, but I don't like it at all!
Hah, way to go, Sherman!
Oh, my goodness!
You haven't seen the last of me,
Sherman! Oh, my goodness, what'd I do?
I'm gonna pee on myself.
I'm gonna pee in your pants!
Okay, Buddy,
it's time for you to go.
That's sexy.
I thought it'd be soothing. It'd be soothing
if you turned that shit off so I can sleep.
Oh, Cletus,
you haven't even looked at me.
I know what you look like. We married for 44
years. I look at you every day, all day long.
- I know just what you look like.
- Cletus, please, look at me!
Now here we go.
You got a show tonight?
What you got that on for?
Well, if you don't know after 44 years of
marriage, I don't know what to say to you.
You should say good night and take that damn
rag off that lamp before we burn something down.
What about Viagra?
Viagra don't work for me.
I've been taking 'em like M&M's.
Look, Cletus,
maybe it's psychosomatic.
I seen on Oprah once that this
happen to men after they get fired.
Um, I mean, retired. You know,
sometimes you lose your self-esteem.
Lose self-esteem?
I ain't lost no self-esteem.
You're always yapping about it.
You won't never let up! Forget it!
You're like a broken record. Every time I
turn around, "Cletus, how you feeling now?"
"You got the groove now?"
Every time I walk in the room...
I don't even wanna hear it. You shake
your ass, trying to get me stimulated.
Go to sleep, please. I don't want to hear it. Let it happen naturally
- Organically...
Good- Good night.
I don't want no chemically erection!
That's what you want?
Never mind, Cletus!
Never mind!
I mean, I'm sorry to yell and scream,
but you got too much pressure on me!
You want tenderness?
Ease up on the pressure.
Too much pressure for me.
Slow it down, Isaac.
No, no, baby, I'm over here.
Now, there they go.
Now, you're fine now.
Isaac, you're a champion.
That's your ho-ass mother.
Hey! My mama is not no ho!
Gotta slow it down! I ain't taking
nobody to the emergency room tonight!
Somebody break their leg,
gonna stay broke this time.
Isaac! Bingo. Keno.
Professor? Professor?
Hey, Professor!
Wake up.
Oh. Oh,Jason.
My God, what happened?
I had to get rid of Buddy.
He had to go.
You could've killed yourself.
I mean, who knows?
This could affect your coordination,
your neurological system.
It could even affect your intelligence.
We don't even know if this is gonna work.
Only one way to find out.
Okay, Sherman, what is this about? Denise.
I'm so glad you came.
You know, I almost didn't come.
Well, I'm awful glad
you did.
Listen to me, Denise.
You know, fireflies, when
they're searching for a mate...
...the way they find one another
is they emit a pheromone...
...and I've synthesized it
into a spray form.
Wait a minute. You brought
me out here for an experiment?
Denise, wait, please! Just hear
me out! Please, don't leave.
Sherman, why did you act
that way the other night?
Well, Denise...
...when I found out that you might be leaving,
it just got me all messed up inside.
I said some things
I really didn't mean at all.
It was
- It was like there was another person inside me...
...who didn't appreciate how wonderful you
are to me and how special you are to me.
And-And- But that
side of me is gone now.
I got rid of that person forever.
You'll never see that ugly face again.
I just want you to know that for sure. That's
why I wanted you to come out here tonight.
...just-Just bear with me,
Hope my little friends
might be able to...
...say it better than me.
Yes, Sherman Klump,
I will.
Will you really? Really? Really.
Yes. I will. I really will. You will?
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Come on, Buster.
Time to go home.
That's right. That's right.
Time to go home.
Now wait. Sit.
Good boy.
Wait for Uncle "J."
Hey, Buster, where'd you
go, boy? Here's a good boy.
Ohhhh, Sherman,
Sherman, Sherman!
My baby's finally getting
married, married, married!
Oh, Sherman! I'm so happy for you, Sherman.
You're finally
gonna get some.
Come on now, dance with me,
girl. You look fantastic.
If you two can stop
getting all jiggy with it...
...perhaps I can give you something
to really celebrate. Oh, yes, sir.
Yes, Dean, what's that?
Oh, nothing much.
A letter from Phleer Pharmaceuticals,
largest drug company in the world.
I told them about your little discovery,
and they made a preemptive offer.
Not too shabby, eh?
A hundred and fifty
million dollars!
Oh, my God, Sherman!
A hundred and fifty million
dollars! Oh, my goodness.
Isn't that wonderful? Now, remember,
that money belongs to Wellman.
All you have to do is prove to Phleer the
formula works at the press conference I set up.
Yeah! Of-Of course. $ 150 million-
my mind's all scribble-scrabble.
Oh, Mama, I can't wait to see what
she looks like in my old wedding dress.
I can't wait to see, Mama.
She gonna-
Oh, seeing you in that dress take me
right back to the time I got married.
- It's beautiful.
- Oh, you look wonderful. Show Mama what you look like.
Mama, look at this.
Oh, you look so lovely.
Oh, be careful now. She looks fabulous
in it, don't she, Mama? Look at her.
Denise, you still remember what
I told you about marital relations?
Oh, Mama. Denise, look. Try this
pie. I made it with Snickers.
Now, don't be shy.
Come on over here.
Oh, that's pretty. Okay, if
you get bored with your man...'s perfectly okay to picture
someone else's head on his body.
Right. Ooh, you got a little waist, girl.
That's right. That gentleman,
Stone Phillips, on NBC.
You know, Granny, I really
don't think I need to do that.
Isaac, you don't need to hear
this. It's private. It's private!
We gonna talk
girl talk now, baby.
From time to time, I have wet dream
fantasies about Stone Phillips from NBC.
- Mama. Mama, quiet.
- It's true. It's the same dream all the time.
I'm in a tobacco barn.
Stone Phillips is my coworker...
...and he don't never have on no shirt in the
dream, and I don't never have on no pants.
It's the nougat that makes it
chewy. And I stand on this ladder...
...with no panties on, and Stone Phillips is lookin'up
at the little piece of heaven I got up my skirt.
I invite him up the ladder, he come up
the ladder and throw me on the tobacco.
And we start going at it
like two mice.
Stone, Stone, Stone.
Oh, I think that's
a wonderful fit.
I do too.
Oh, you're so sweet. Sherman
and Denise! Sherman and Denise!
Marriage, marriage, marriage, marriage,
marriage. They gonna get married, Mama.
Ooh, I'm so happy.
Welcome back. Marriage,
marriage, marriage, marriage.
Well, well, well, we've seen
quite a bit of each other today.
Now strip down to your shorts. Right.
I suppose you thought I was gonna object
to a strip search, didn't you, Chief?
Keep your clothes on, please.
Don't nobody wanna see that!
Here's my wallet. Why don't you
check for yourself?
Yeah, hold that stomach in,
What's his problem?
I don't know, but enough
is enough. Excuse me, sir.
Young man, will you please keep it down just
a little bit 'cause we're trying to watch-
...just when you thought it was
safe to go back to the theaters.
Hello, fat ass!
Maybe we should get going. I don't
feel too good all of a sudden. Let's go.
Come on, let's go somewhere
else. Sherman, who was that?
I don't know. I didn't really get a
good look at him. Sherman! Sherman Klump!
You still been hitting them Happy
Meals. You haven't changed an inch.
You remember me
- Buddy Love. We used to both chase that girl, Carla, at the same time.
- You ever hit that?
- Miss Purty and I were just friends.
"Just friends"
- I guess that means you didn't hit it, huh?
Who's your new friend? She sure is
fine. Yes, fine. What's your name?
Sherman, suddenly I don't feel
so well. Can we leave, please?
Yes, let's go, please. Can I talk to Sherman
for one second? Then you can have him.
One second, please. I gotta talk to
you. We gonna have a little boy talk.
Excuse us. Sherman, how you
doing, baby? What do you want here?
A little respect. You left me
all by myself in that test tube...
...without a card or a letter,
and now I want a divorce.
And this is a community property
state, so I want my share.
Want your share of what? The
youth formula we invented!
You mean, the youth formula that I
invented. Oh, no way, Buddy, no way.
- Who you growling, fat boy? You
growling me? - I haven't growled-
- I was hoping we could do this like gentlemen.
- Come on, Sherman.
You're gonna make me do something nasty
to you, Sherman. I'll do something nasty.
See you soon, Sherman!
What the hell
are you looking at?
Oh, thank you, Sherman.
What else did I get from
Sherman? What does this say?
"Phleer Pharmaceuticals. "
$ 150 mill- $ 150 million.
I think Buddy's going shopping.
I got here as fast as I could.
I've got to hide this formula
before Buddy gets to it. Good idea.
I found something
I think you should look at.
When I left here last night, everything
was fine. I mean, this was not here.
Good Lord. Buddy must've recombined
from the genomic sequence I extracted.
This doesn't make any sense. He's
just a fragment of genetic information.
He's nothing without a strand
of DNA to graft himself onto.
did he get it?
...just a second here.
Thank you so much.
Leanne Guilford.
President of Acquisitions. Buddy
Love, president of Love Industries.
No. Do you have a dog?
Yes, I do- A Yorkie.
Oh. She's driving me crazy right now.
- Bitch.
- Excuse me.
It's a female dog that you have, and she's
in heat, right? Yes. How did you know that?
Let's just say I have a sixth sense
about those things. Is this her?
Yeah, little Courtney.
Ooh, nasty.
Mr. Love, maybe we'd better do this
another time. No, this is the perfect time.
Let's do this right now. This is the
perfect time to talk about my youth formula.
We are already committed to
purchasing Professor Klump's formula.
Oh, Professor Klump's formula?
That's if it works.
Let's just that although he's a brilliant
scientist, at times, he can be unstable.
Yes, now, my formula works...
...and can be yours for the price of $ 149
million, if you act now, pretty lady.
Forgive me for being blunt, but you don't
expect me to just take your word for it, do you?
Oh, no, not at all. Just say when,
and I'll make it available to you.
All right.
If Klump can't deliver and you can
prove your formula's better, Yes?
Phleer would have to seriously
consider it. Is that right?
I've got to go to a meeting. Can we
reschedule for later? We certainly can.
Good. How about Wednesday,
7:00? Perfect. Wednesday at 7:00.
- Bring the formula.
- Yes.
Excuse me. Where's your restroom?
Down the hall, to the left.
Thank you. You finished with this? OSure.
Whoo, whoo!
What the hell you looking at? Huh? Oh!
Good God! What "good God"? I went on the paper!
Genetic anomalies can occur... any living organism
through- Through-
Come on now, people.
Spontaneous mutation.
Now what is it that our genetic
code can determine about us?
Miss Tate?
Uh, they can determine...
...whether you have blue eyes
or pouty lips or a cute butt.
Stuff like that.
Right, right, precisely.
Very good.
But what about random nucleotide
polymorphisms, Professor? Excellent question.
Random nucleotide
Random nucleotide
Random nucleotide-
I ain't got a clue.
Who knows? This could affect your
coordination, your neurological system.
- I mean, it could even affect your intelligence.
- What was I talking about?
- Genetic anomalies. - Yes,
genetic anomalies. As I was saying-
Think you're
pretty smart, huh, Molly?
Not gonna beat me again.
That makes five times in a row now. Hey.
- Can I talk to you for a second?
- Jason, yes. Please, come in.
Look, I know you think you're feeling
fine, but I ran some more tests anyway.
- Really?
- Yeah. When you extracted Buddy...
...somehow it altered the gene that regulates
neurotransmitter activity to the cerebral cortex.
Uh,Jason, all these big words are really
perplexing to me. Can you talk in plain English?
You're losing
your intelligence, sir.
Yeah. Yeah, I know.
I know.
I can feel it.
I can't even beat Molly, and
she's the dumbest hamster we got.
...jason, my presentation's
in two days.
Now what am I gonna do?
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, thank God.
Hey, how's it going there, Sherman?
Yeah, Daddy, you startled me.
- What's that you got there, son?
- The youth juice.
Um, um, my formula. I was wondering if
I could keep it here for safekeeping.
Oh, yeah, leave it in the refrigerator.
Ain't nobody gonna bother it.
You all right? You look a
little strained. What's going on?
Well, Daddy, you know,
I kinda got a lot on my mind.
Really, I do. I guess I've been a little
worried about my presentation and all.
Worried about your presentation? You
ain't got nothing to be worried about.
We gonna be watching you on TV, supporting
you, and you should be proud. We proud.
I know I'm proud. I tell you that.
You ain't got nothing to worried-
You're gonna be doing just great. Ah!
I didn't hit you that hard. Don't act
like a little bitch. By the way, Sherman... many people can say
that they raised a genius?
I can.
Worried about his presentation?
That's a good one there.
- Ooh, is this supposed to be that hard?
- Yeah, let it set a while.
Don't worry if it burns a
little bit. That's natural.
All right, you the expert,
Chantal. Work your magic, girl...
'cause Denise's mother is coming
to this bachelorette party...
...and if she's as stunning as
Denise, I got to be sparkling.
Honey, you gonna blind
their asses.
When you walk in that door, they
gonna think you're Tyra Banks.
Oh, did I tell you the news?
Leon got
one of them penis pumps.
Penis pumps? What'd he do with it? Mm-hmm.
- Supposed to pump it up or something.
- Does it work?
...just on the tip. Now that thing
look like a portabello mushroom.
Isaac all natural.
Soon as I walk in the room,
You know, I'm thinking about
having a little work done myself.
The other day,
I got out the shower...
...and I bent down
to reach for a towel...
...and I felt a sharp pain
in my chest.
Shot through my chest and up
around my back, down my spine.
I thought, "Oh, Lord. " I thought
I was dying. I bent over and looked...
...and I was standing
on my own titty.
You ain't have to get no breast
reduction. Just be more careful.
- Both feet too.
Both feet on it.
All right, what the hell you old
hens cackling about? You ready to go?
No, not quite.
I'll be ready in a minute.
She still got to set up a few more
minutes. Have some more wine, girl.
Ooh, girl, I don't know if I
should. I already had two glasses.
Oh, go on, live a little.
Make your hair look better.
- Have mercy.
- Yeah, just like I figured.
You sit up here all day, getting
sloshed and talking about us men.
- Cletus, have you ever heard the expression, "mercy hump"?
- Say what?
'Cause that's what you been
getting all these years- Mercy humps.
- Stop it.
- You out your goddamn mind. Let me tell you something.
He ain't got nothing
but a limp doodle.
Gotta get ya.
Oh, look what you've done! Oh.
- Ah-
- Fuckin' crazy!
Oh, Cletus, Cletus, wait! Cletus!
Oh, Cletus! I don't believe it.
Cletus, I only told her 'cause she got
so much experience in sexual matters.
I ain't nothing but a big damn joke
to you, ain't I? Tell the whole world?
My husband ain't nothing
but a big worthless pile of shit!
I'm just glad they're back in
town so you can finally meet them.
I'm extremely nervous because I
really want to make a good impression.
Sherman, there's no reason
for you to be nervous.
My parents are very down-to-earth
people, and they're gonna love you.
I guess it's not like they're rocket
scientists. Well, actually, they are.
Great to see you. You must be Sherman,
the genius who's marrying my daughter.
I guess that's me.
They think I'm old. They think I'm
worn-out, huh? I'm gonna show all of'em.
Screw the golden years.
And here's to youth!
That's some nasty mess.
I don't feel no-
Damn, that was
some nasty stuff!
Oh, I feel as strange as hell.
Oh! Hey, get your ass-
Who the hell are you?
Who you put-
It worked.
It worked!
Oh, what a beautiful bird.
Oh, Crackers has been in our
family more than 50 years.
Hmm? Fifty years.
He's older than I am.
- Sherman, your fly. Your fly.
- Yeah, he can fly all over.
No, no, no, zip your pants.
Oh, my goodness. Excuse me. I felt
- I felt a little breeze.
So, uh, genomic extractions.
But the whole concept of removing faulty
genes must have you in an ethical quandary.
E- Excuse me. Ethical?
Oh, yes, I don't know much about
"Ethicals", to be perfectly honest with you...
...but the "Quandary"
- I don't like the Japanese cars. I don't like to mess with "Quandary. "
I'm a Volvo man myself.
Well, yeah.
Sherman is known as the leading
expert in genomic extractions.
Give us a little preview of the speech
you're going to make at the press conference.
- Say what now?
- I know we would never be able to keep up...
...but is there some way that you
could explain it in layman terms?
Oh, you'd like me
to explain to you?
Yes. Well, I would love to. I would be honored.
It's really quite simple.
This corn, for instance-
This piece of corn here
can represent a strand of DNA.
And these little-
...the individual-
the bumpy things that go-
The Green Giant calls them
"niblets. " Uh, niblets.
For instance, Mrs. Gaines, let's say if a
person was to have big titties, like you.
- I'm sorry. Big titties.
No, breasts. Scratch it.
Get off you. On me.
- Now, I have a big ass.
Never mind that.
What we're attempting to do here is
to extract the, uh, the bad, bad genes.
Extract that titty out.
And ass comes out.
And just leave
the good genes...
...which is very simple
if you think about it.
...just ignore that.
Please ignore those.
Those are the bad genes.
What I'm really trying to do is go
deep, deep down into the gene structure...
...which oftentimes
is much more difficult.
Oh, goodness!
I'm- I'm so-
so sorry about that.
My pants got caught in the thing
and they pulled it on out.
His wings is twitching a
little bit, so he's all right.
Buddy Love.
Mr. Love. Leanne Guilford.
Yes, Miss Guilford. How are you?
You forgotten we have an appointment
right now? I had a hard time getting a cab.
- I'm on my way.
- I'll wait for a few more minutes and then I'm leaving.
Very good. I'll see you soon. All right.
This is great!
Sir, uh, please don't do
that. It's kind of dangerous.
You work her! Work her!
Yeah! Whoo!
Hey, let me have a seven and seven. Coming up.
You about the finest-looking
thing I seen in a long time.
Well, thank you very much. You
pretty damn foxy yourself, baby.
A lot of young men are
intimidated by an older woman.
Is that right? Well, let me tell you something.
You look pretty damn young to me. In
fact, let me tell you something, baby.
You just about the-
Yeah, you look good. Pretty
fine. Foxy fine and young.
Excuse me one second.
Yes, yes, yes.
- Get away from my woman.
- Mind your own business, Willie.
- What?
- It's over between us. He just won't accept it.
Willie, she said it's over between y'all.
Besides, you getting the wrong idea.
Outside. Outside. I'm tired of this
shit. Say what? Who you pushing?
Not again, Willie.
Willie, what's wrong with you?
All right, enough is enough!
This is going too damn far!
You gonna make me have to put my foot in
your ass. I'm gonna tell you straight up.
I don't wanna have to hurt you,
Pops! Pops? I'll "pop" your ass.
Would you please put
your clothes back on?
You'll hurt yourself.
You look like a roast chicken.
That was a lucky shot.
- Okay, that's it.
- Come on, fool. Get your ass up. Come on.
You're crazy.
What the hell is this? Am I supposed
to believe that you know "bujitsu"?
Sayonara, sucker.
All right.
Meter reads 3.90. Here's
4.00. Keep the dime. Jerk.
Ah, the lovely Miss Guilford.
Where you on your way to?
Home. Home? What do you
mean? We got business to talk.
All you seem to be is talk. I'm starting
to think you don't even have a formula.
- We're gonna stick with Klump.
Stick with Klump? I just got off the phone
with my research people in Langley, Virginia.
They're working out all the minor kinks.
We gonna have a formula any moment now.
Hey! Klump's formula sucks!
All right, little man.
I've been
real patient.
I told you I'd mess you up.
Oh, you scared now, huh? Bring
your little butt back here.
I'm tired of your-
He done loosen
my tooth too.
So that's where
Sherman's been hiding it.
Big-ass City.
Cletus. Cletus. Lord have mercy.
What have you been all evening?
I've been so worried. Wait.
Don't turn on the light.
- Leave the light out.
- Oh, Cletus, I'm so sorry about what happened tonight.
Yeah, well- Anna... remember
when we first met?
Of course I remember.
Back at the state fair. Why?
Yeah, the state fair. You
was working the cotton candy.
Standing looking like an angel. Had
that pink sugar swirling all around you.
I turned to my brother,
and I said three words...
"Might-y fine. "
You must've ate 16 cotton
candies that night, Cletus.
Yeah, well,
I was interested.
I was interested.
I was damn interested.
Close your eyes, Anna. I got
a little surprise for you.
Oh, Cletus.
Here I am. I'm ready,
and I'm waiting.
- Oh, that some nasty stuff.
- Okay, what you got for me?
It wouldn't be
a surprise if I told you.
Oh, you always been
such a sexy devil.
Oh, Cletus,
I'm on fire.
Oh, Cletus!
Hurry, Cletus.
Hurry, Cletus!
Hurry, Cletus.
Hurry. Hurry, Cletus.
Yeah, yeah. I've been waiting so long.
Cletus, I'm on fire. I know
you've been waiting, baby.
- Oh, Cletus, this is so romantic.
- Yeah, Cletus here now.
I'm on fire. Anna Pearl, Anna Pearl.
I'm gonna put your fire out.
- It's okay, baby.
It's okay.
Anna, it's me. It's me. It's
Cletus. I'm just young again.
Oh, Lord, Cletus, what have you done to yourself?
I took some of Sherman's youth
juice, and it's incredible.
I got enough
for both of us too.
Damn. Don't worry about it. I got some more
in the garage. I'm not taking that mess.
I don't want
no magic formula.
- What's wrong with you, woman? Don't you wanna be young?
- No, I don't wanna be young.
Cletus, we're supposed to be who we
are, and I'm just fine with who I am.
But, obviously, what you're trying
to say is that you're just tired...
...of the fat, old woman that you
got married to. Oh, no, Anna.
That's not what I'm saying. That
ain't what I'm saying at all.
Downstairs. I think you better sleep
downstairs. Anna, please, no, baby.
- But I was just... Downstairs,
Cletus. I don't wanna hear it.
Oh, Cletus, I'm so
disappointed in you.
I just feel so god-awful terrible
about what happened to Crackers.
Imagine what your parents
must think about me.
Sherman, you were acting
really strange tonight.
Yeah, I know, 'cause,
um, I drank that wine...
...and I had cold medicine
early on.
And mixing cold medicine
and wine- That don't mix.
Well, cold medicine
or not...
I'm really worried
about you.
And I really think you
should get a checkup.
All right. I will.
Yeah, I will.
Okay. Go home and get some rest...
...and first thing in the morning, I'll
make an appointment to get a checkup.
Good. See you tomorrow. See you tomorrow.
- Sorry about Crackers. I'm sorry. Okay?
- Okay. Okay.
"Beef in your taco. "
- I'm a pony! I'm a pony!
- Mommy, I'm scared.
Now back
to the midnight movie.
A huge asteroid, approximately
1,000 square miles in size... still on
a collision course with Earth.
Wellman College Professor
Sherman Klump... attempting to plant a nuclear explosive
device deep within the asteroid core...
...which, if effective,
will destroy it.
Houston, come in. This is Professor
Klump on the asteroid's surface.
We read you, Professor.
What's your status?
We've done dug the hole
and planted the nukes.
Good. Then get back in your shuttle
and get the hell out of there... you can blow
that rock to bits.
Sherman, you've got 30 seconds before
that asteroid hits. Better hurry.
The world's counting on it.
Fifteen seconds. Sherman, start
the detonation sequence now.
Hello, Houston.
We got a big-ass problem.
Sherman, you've got to blow up
the asteroid. Press that button!
I... Can't... Reach it.
Sherman, I am your father.
Search your feelings, Sherman.
There's a force deep down inside
you. Use it. Use your force, Sherman.
Of course.
Ah, yes. The force is strong with you, my son.
- What the hell was that noise?
Whew! I think something crawled
up your force and died, Sherman.
Ten seconds to impact.
My God!
He didn't plant those charges on the
asteroid. Then where did he plant them?
Good-bye, Mr. Asteroid.
This is gonna be good. Yeah.
Wait a minute. Did I land on the wrong
- Oh, shit.
Oh, no. I done blowed up
the wrong one.
Good-bye, Sherman.
Denise, please don't- It
was an accident. Denise-
I'm sure it'll just make a little
splash in the ocean. That's all.
See, just a little, tiny-
Oh, that ain't tiny
at all, is it?
I am an idiot.
Oh, thank you, Granny, so much. You are too sweet.
Yeah, that's a little special
present for your wedding night.
Oh, fabulous.
Romantic and fabulous.
Oh, Mama!
Thank you, Granny. Maybe something I
wouldn't have chosen for myself. Thank you.
Well, I didn't choose it for
you, baby. I got it for Sherman.
He's gonna be the one that's gonna
appreciate the hell out of it, trust me.
Girls, I gotta go check on the rest of
my surprise. Y'all excuse me for a moment.
Girls, I saw the most fabulous game the
other day. It's called Bachelorette Bingo.
Let's play.
Oh, this is so fabulous!
This is Miss Ida Mae Jensen. I'm calling
to confirm a male stripper fantasy...
...the Muy Caliente
Vida Loca special.
Yeah, that's right. Well, where
they at? We all ready here. Now-
Oh, never mind.
I see him
over here now. Okay.
Yes, we will enjoy.
Thank you.
Now, that's what I call
the Muy Caliente...
El Negro special.
Well, hello there,
stripper man.
Now, you know, I ordered the special, and
you supposed to be dressed as a fireman.
Stripper man? Oh, stripper
- Oh, yes, stripper man.
Well, I, um
- I decided not to do my fireman dance tonight...
...because last time I did it, things got
so heated up, kind of scorched my suit.
So I decided to do my cat burglar dance.
And I slip through the back door...
...and I'm kind of poking around,
'cause I'm a method stripper...
...and I want to get the right frame of mind
so I can give y'all some good stripping.
- You know, work it for you.
- You know, you look just like Ken Norton in Mandingo.
Oh, really? Oh, Ken Norton
- Oh, Mandingo. Ken Norton. Really?
I guess this is the closest I'm
gonna ever get to Ken Norton.
Well, thank you so much.
Thank you. Thank you.
I wonder if you could give
me a little private dance.
Oh, okay. You want a private
- You wanna slow down?
Stop, stop, stop! I'm gonna need some space here.
You want a private dance.
Okay, I can do that.
But first, um, I'm so thirsty. I got a craving for some
- For some red fruit punch.
Red fruit punch? I ain't
seen none in the house, boy.
But today I seen some out in the
Frigidaire, out in the garage.
Oh, there may be some in the garage?
Well, after I quench my thirst...
I'm gonna come give you a dance. Ow!
I'll be moving like this. You like that,
don't you? Yeah, that's like Soul Train.
That's la vida loca. Make this
face here like I'm tearing it up.
Oh, good Lord. Oh, my
precious Lord. You like that?
Don't move now. I ain't going nowhere.
I'll be right here for the Soul Train.
- I'll be right back.
- For the Soul Train!
I'll be right back.
Oh, my goodness,
is there a fire?
Yes, ma'am, I'm afraid there
is. I don't smell no smoke.
...and it's getting
muy caliente!
Oh, Lord, have mercy!
A strip- Oh, my!
My mother must've
arranged this.
Where are you? Oop-
Oh, bingo! Bingo.
Chunky Butt, thank you so
much for making this easy.
I thought this was
gonna be difficult.
Chunky Butt made this
a nice, easy task for me.
Yes, yes, yes.
Perfect. Now I gotta find
something to cut this with.
Maybe a little
fertilizer or something.
Oh, this is gonna
be perfect, Chunky Butt.
I think this will help spruce
up your presentation quite a bit.
Oh, Lord!
I didn't know there was
gonna be a stripper.
I didn't know there was
gonna be a stripper.
Mama! Mama!
Oh, we gonna have the whole
room smelling like ass.
Shake it, shake. And it's like I was never here.
Oh! Oh!
Hey! You scared me just now.
I thought you was a monster.
What are you-
- Hey, what-
- Stripper man, stripper man.
- You're not supposed to be out here.
- This must be your lucky night.
- You're supposed to be in the house.
- I'm fittin' to teach you...
...every trick I know.
- I seen the way you was ogling me inside.
- No, no, no, no.
I'm ogling you too.
- Oh!
- Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh, stripper man.
Oh, I feel so vulnerable.
Oh! You got me wetter
than a Slip-N-Slide.
Come on.
Let's get it on, right now.
Right here, right now.
Wait, wait-
Oh, stripper. Wait. Just calm
- Relax a second.
Now, listen. We gonna get it on. But not out here.
You don't wanna get it on out here,
do you, in this nasty, stink garage?
Let's go in the house in a warm
bed where I can give you the shimmy.
I'll meet you in your room. I
ain't falling for that trick.
I'm gonna get that knot
out your back.
You gonna have to give me a little
sugar right now, or I'll scream.
No, no, don't scream.
Don't scream.
No, no, no. Shh, shh. Wait, wait,
wait. I'll give you a little kiss.
A little peck on the cheek. Meet you
up in the room. Ain't gonna hurt nobody.
You're so cute. Come here. I want a little sugar.
Oh, God!
Oh, Ken Norton!
Folks, we want to get everybody
into the presentation... please have
your press credentials ready.
Well, if it isn't ol' Chunky Butt.
Buddy, what are you doing here?
I just came down for your big
presentation. You're not nervous, are you?
No, I ain't nervous. "No,
I ain't. " "No, I ain't. "
That's interesting. Starting
to sound kind of ignorant.
But don't worry. If this
professor thing don't work out...
...there's always room for another
brother down at the car wash.
You can work in the drying section. They
could put a big beach towel on your ass...
...and you can stand in the
doorway as the cars come out...
...and dry 'em
a side at a time.
That's your future. Buddy,
I notice since the split-up...
...that, uh, I ain't really
- I haven't really felt like myself.
I was wondering if you've been
experiencing any changes.
Not at all. I feel great.
Never felt better in my life.
Business is really starting
to look up for me, Sherm.
Hey, you better run!
Come here!
Come here, pussy! You're a
pussy! That's what you are.
I'll kill you! I'll kill
you! Come here, you pussy!
Sherman coming on
in a minute.
Well, what channel's Sherman
gonna come on? Anybody know?
Have some of these brownies. They're
still warm. Don't drop 'em on my floor now.
All right, everybody. Sherman getting ready
to come on TV now. Everybody gather around.
You know,
fame is gonna pass.
And the only thing
that's permanent is family.
Ain't that right, Daddy? Oh,
shit! Get your ass out that chair!
How many times I gotta tell you
to stay out my damn chair? Aw, man.
You work on them cars all day gonna put the
grease all in my chair, smear the grease there.
Gotta sit on this grease. My gray pants
still got grease all over 'em 'cause of you.
You happy? You got your chair.
Enjoy. Stay out my damn chair.
Ernest, will you please tell your
father to be quiet? Sherman's coming on.
What channel Sherman come on?
- Tell me what she just said...
- I'll come over there
and whup your ass.
That's the channel.
Watch the damn TV.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen for coming
out. My name is Professor Sherman Klump.
I'm a professor here
at Wellman College.
- Ooh!
- Look at him.
- Joe College.
- Look how dashing he look. He look just like Billy Dee.
- Boy look handsome.
- Billy Dee! Billy Dee! Billy Dee! Billy Dee!
- Billy Dee Klump.
- As you all know...
Ponce de Leon searched his entire
life for the Fountain of Youth.
And today we will
complete his journey.
So, uh, ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to present to you all...
...uh, the Wellman College
youth formula.
- Maybe I need to take some of that.
- It don't cure ugly.
- Does Cletus
know I'm strapped?
- Well, come on. Shoot. Come on. Shoot.
- I'm strapped, nigger.
- Tell him. I'm strapped.
- And if you miss, I'm gonna finish you off.
If you don't have anything nice
to say, don't say nothing at all.
- Well, she messin' with me.
- Stop the violence. Stop the violence.
In fact, don't say nothing.
I'm trying to watch Sherman.
Okay, cool, cool.
Boy, would I like to throw
some hot grease on you.
This is Molly. Molly is a
one-year-old, and Petey is four.
Petey is our candidate for
genetic "transmografication. "
Petey here
- Petey is our candidate for genetic "transmofilectesy. "
Genetic "transgromanation. "
The "youthification-"
That ain't a word.
How come Uncle Sherman's
talking funny?
- He's starting to sound like you, Dad.
- He don't sound right, do he?
What do you mean, "sound like me"? What's
that? Sherman up in a ivory tower...
...just 'cause
he went to college.
I could've gone to college
if I took that damn...
...elastic "appitude" test.
Hey, shut up. What the hell's wrong with Sherman?
You be breaking me down in
front of my seed on the regular.
The reason we, uh- He-
We gonna make him young.
So I say, um,
let's get it on!
I'm gonna just give
a drop of this to Petey.
We watch and see
what happens.
- Isaac, you watching that?
- Hey, that ain't right.
- Hamsters will be hamsters, huh?
- Oh!
- What in blazes...
Oh! - Look at that!
- That's cool. That's real cool.
- Look at that!
Down, boy!
- Petey!
- Shoot him! Shoot him!
No, no. No. Please,
I'm not that kind of-
Oh, my God. I have to turn the channel.
I don't want my baby seeing that.
- That's sodomy. That's pure sodomy.
- Cover the baby's eyes.
That's what that is, all right. He
don't need to know what it is, Momma.
- That man ain't never gonna be right again.
- Oh!
- Something like that will ruin a man.
- What's wrong with this?
Isaac don't look right. That's
too much excitement for my baby.
- Turn the channel.
- You got to change these batteries.
What am I, the janitor in this motherfuckin'
- You all better get off my case.
Now, was that
supposed to happen?
It's the lovely Miss Guilford.
Mr. Love.
What a wonderful day
we're having, huh?
Why am I not surprised
to see you here?
Well, I figured since it turns out that
Professor Klump ain't your man after all... might wanna talk
a deal.
All right. Have your formula
ready for presentation on Friday.
Friday it is.
See you Friday. Lovely dress. Mm-hmm.
I'll wear
something sharp.
Oh, Dean. I'm just trying to
figure out what went wrong here.
I just don't understand. It must've been
some sort of contaminant or something.
The deal with Phleer is off.
I just spoke to Leanne Guilford.
But that
doesn't bother me.
After all,
what's $ 150 million?
Oh! Dean Richmond, I am so sorry.
I'm really trying to get to the bottom of
this, because this was not supposed to happen.
No, that's not
what bothers me.
Deals will come
and deals will go.
will always be Wellman.
But I'll tell you
what does bother me.
On the way over here, a cute
little boy pointed at me and said...
"Oh, look, Mommy, there
goes the hamster's bitch!"
Dean, whatever it's worth...
Petey is back to normal and
feeling just fine. Oh, yeah?
Do you think he'll call?
Dean, I just want to tell you, I'm
- I'm sorry. Stop... Speaking!
I just want to go
on record as saying that-
Shh, shh, shh.
Shh, shh, shh.
I've been looking forward to saying
something to you for 12 years.
And here it is.
You're fat!
And dumb.
And fired.
It's not your fault.
I ain't never-
I'm never gonna be
the same again, am I?
I'm afraid not.
I know.
I'll be a total idiot.
Don't you think it's
time you told Denise?
Oh, no,Jason.
I can't do that.
How can I tell her
I'm losing the very thing...
...that made her fall in love
with me in the first place?
Hi. Sherman, what are you doing here?
How you doing? Your mama told me
I might be able to find you here.
I've been looking all over the place for
you. I've been leaving messages everywhere.
I went by your place. Yeah,
well, I had a lot on my mind.
You know, I walk around, going
around, getting time to think.
I wonder if I can talk
to you about something.
Look, I know you're upset
about what happened.
But we can get right back
to work with the youth formula...
...and I think the problem
- No, not science.
Denise, I'm not
- This isn't about science. We can start completely over.
We can find another university.
After the wedding, we can even-
That's what I'm talking
about- The wedding.
Denise, I don't think
there's going to be a wedding.
Well, not-
not right away anyway.
I mean, my head's just kind
of messed up right now...
...and I don't think
it'd be fair to you.
I made a mistake.
And I have to work that mistake
out. I have to live with that.
Me, not you. See, you're so
pretty, and you're so smart.
You just got your whole life ahead of you.
I just don't want to mess things up for you. I'm-
I'm sorry, Denise.
I think
I'd better get going.
You all right?
Oh, I just don't
understand, Cletus.
And he won't tell me why.
Anna, listen. Sometimes a man
do some crazy things, you know?
Not that he's trying to hurt nobody. He's
not trying to tell you he don't love you.
It's just-
Sometimes you get kind of confused, you know?
You hear
what I'm saying?
Yes, Cletus,
I hear what you're saying.
I'll talk to the boy.
was so fabulous.
You cut out that crying now. It's all right.
Stop all that crying.
Go clean your nose up.
Go wash your hands. Snot all over
the place looking nasty as hell.
What's this on me? Goddamn, look what you
put on me, Anna. What's this on me for?
Yeah, you know
something, Sherman?
The very first building I ever
worked on was on this site right here.
Yep. Isn't that something? It was a bakery.
Yeah. Tore it down two years ago.
Thirty-five years later, I
wind up working on the thing...
...building it up all over
again; ain't that something?
I expected the building
I worked on was permanent.
But I was wrong,
'cause it ain't.
That's not permanent. You
know what's permanent, Sherman?
You know what's permanent? I'm gonna tell you.
What me and your mama got. That's permanent.
That ain't going no place. You know what I mean?
If you get you a woman that
really, really loves you...'ve got to hold on
to that, Sherman.
Yeah, that's true, Daddy. Yeah,
I knows I sure do love Denise.
Well, then y'all gotta
get back together then.
Get back together? Daddy, that's it. Yeah.
Get back together. If we get back
together, that'll make everything okay.
Dynamite. Go call the girl.
Say what? Not Denise. Buddy.
Me and Buddy get back together, that'll
make everything fine between me and Denise.
Hey, you just took
the wrong off-ramp.
I can use the youth formula. I'll feed
it to Buddy. It'll make him so young.
I'll turn him back into Goop. And I ingest
- I eat it! I eat it! Huh?
That's it.
Daddy, that'll work.
I wouldn't have even
thought about that.
This is fantastic!
What are you gonna eat?
Sherman! Damn!
Hello, Sherman.
I heard you were here.
Give me a minute, Dean, and I'll
be on my way. Trespass all you like.
- It goes so well in court with grand theft.
- I beg your pardon.
You're trying to sell the youth
formula under a different identity.
Who do you think you are? Dean,
you just don't understand, really.
That's always possible. Then help
me out if you don't mind. Explain it.
Why is Buddy Love
meeting with Phleer?
Oh, my goodness. I gotta
hurry up. Not so fast, pal.
I'm not letting you out of my sight
until both our names are on that contract.
I'm going to be stuck on you
like a giant hamster on my a-
Where you go, I go. I have no time
to stand here and argue with you.
If you wanna come along, I'll
explain it to you on the way.
Ladies and gentlemen and
distinguished guests, it is show time.
Now I'd like to present
to you exhibit "A."
His name is Zeke,
and it is very clear...
...that Zeke has been getting his ass whipped
by Father Time for many, many years.
Oh, my God, Sherman.
Sherman! Sherman!
- Hey, hey, hey, Denise.
- Thank God.
What the hell's going on? Papa
Klump, have you seen Sherman?
He's in trouble.
Oh, tell me about it.
First the boy acting crazy and called off the
wedding. Then he talking about eating some guy.
I don't know if it's something
I need to talk to the boy about.
Wait. Eating somebody? Yeah,
he said he's gonna eat some man.
Of course. Buddy.
Yeah, that's the guy. What's going
on between the three of y'all?
- What's this, a kind of menage a trois?
- I know where Sherman is.
Ladies and gentlemen, if Zeke dropped
dead right now, who would care?
- I would.
- My point exactly.
Exactly. That no person,
no matter who they are... matter how hopelessly
disgusting their case may be...
...should be left
without a second chance.
And that is why I would like
to introduce... New You...
...a fully copyrighted product
being offered to you... the good people
of Love Enterprises.
Now, if you'd be so kind, Zeke,
would you drink this up, please?
It's kind of like Mogen David, but fruitier.
Wait! I'm sorry to interrupt,
ladies and gentlemen!
But I cannot go on living unless I
have this man inside me right now.
- Steady, sailor.
- What the hell is going on here?
Well, if it isn't Professor Sherman Klump,
the inventor of Jumbo the Horny Hamster.
- Please!
- Buddy, I am sick and I am tired...
...of your s-h-
"I. "
Thank you. T-E.
My shite? Oh, really? Well, what
you gonna do about it, Shamu?
- Tell you what I'm gonna do.
- I don't have no time to play no games with your ass.
- You got time to play a little catch, don't you?
- Oh, you bastard.
Buddy, Buddy. Buddy.
Get it, Buddy. Buddy!
Na, na, na, na.
Hey, Buddy. Fetch.
What the hell is that?
Who's dumb now?
Oh, Sherman. Oh, you sneaky son of a bitch.
Oh, Sherman!
Oh, no!
Oh, shit! Uh- Ah- Ah-
Everybody calm down.
This is a part of the demonstration. Just calm
- Relax.
Everything's under control.
What the hell are you looking at?
This is an impressive package for
a toddler. All right, Mr. Toddler.
Nothing to see here, folks. This
mutant is about to dissolve into liquid...
...and then the fat man is going
to suck him through a straw.
Sorry, Buddy.
I just want my life back.
You don't owe him any explan
- What? Come here.
Oh, you rotten
son of a- Oh!
- I'm hit! I'm hit!
- Forget it, fat ass.
I ain't going back inside of you. Mmm. Got milk?
Thank you, baby.
He's getting away.
Dean, I want that formula. Bring me the
man who made it. I'm ready to make a deal.
Hmm? Right.
I'm naked! I'm naked! I'm
naked! I'm naked! I'm naked!
- There he is.
- What the hell is happening?
What the hell was that? Buddy.
All right, that's it. Slow
the car down! Slow down!
We can't help Sherman
wrapped around no light pole.
We've got to get to him. He and
Buddy have to be combined immediately.
Where's the little snot now?
- What the hell are you looking at?
- Come on.
What? What?
Don't feel right. Starting
to feel a little light-headed.
If you quit now, you're gonna be
empty-headed. Come on, Klump. Let's get him.
Get ahold of this, chubby.
You got a big ass!
- What?
- Follow that ass.
Aw, hell.
Now, what's all of this?
- Move out the way, damn it!
- Wait a minute. I think I see him.
Oh, no. Don't even think
about it. Don't you do it.
Oh, you're doing it.
- Ow!
- Stop!
All right, tubby.
Let's see how long
you last without me.
What? What?
That's it?
He's gone?
Ah, I-I- Da-da-
Oh, that's marvelous.
The deal is dead,
you know that.
I've been calling you a moron
for years. Now you finally-
I'll just
get a cab.
- Ohhh, Sherman!
- I raised a genius.
- No one is perfect. - I want
to be perfect for her. - Perfect?
- About time you told Denise? - I
checked the file. - There's no future.
You will never learn to control him till
you accept the fact he is a part of you.
You okay?
- He's all gone. Buddy? He evaporated?
Gone. And me no smart.
Never. No more.
Sherman, that's okay. I mean,
we'll figure something out.
There has to be something
that we can do.
I want to say
I'm- I'm sorry.
I never
- I didn't want to hurt you. You understand?
I thought that if you knew
that Buddy was a part of me...
I thought that you
wouldn't have me then.
Now, hear me.
Hear me out now.
I should've had
more faith in you.
Should've had
more faith in myself.
But I-
Sherman, what's wrong? Sherman?
- Can't you hear, son?
- Sherman, look at me.
Who am I?
Pretty lady.
Oh, honey.
Oh, that's nice.
- It's gonna be okay.
- Nice.
I'll take care of you.
Oh! Come on.
Let's get the boy home.
Nice lady.
Come on. Let's get him home. Come on.
Go home now.
Thank you.
Oh, look at the-
the pretty water.
Oh, my God.
It's Buddy.
- His DNA burst into water molecules. Sherman, quick.
- What the hell?
Drink this.
No. Dirty water.
No. Come on, honey.
You have to drink this. Please.
Drink dirty water. Look at me. What's my name?
Denise. You're Denise. Oh, yes. Drink some more.
Denise. Come on. Drink some more.
What's two times two?
Two times two is four.
Four times four? Four times four is fif
- Sixteen.
Sherman, yes. Drink some
more before Buddy disperses.
Come on, boy.
Get you a snoot full!
What's your mama
middle name?
Oh, hell, no.
That ain't it.
Get a lot now.
Get a lot.
That's enough.
Pearl. He said Pearl! He said Pearl!
Anna Pearl. Sherman, what's
the square root of 2,000,602?
- That's a hard one.
- Four thousand...
Oh, yes!
Oh, Sherman, yes!
Oh, fabulous! Oh!
- Dynamite! Dynamite!
- That's so lovely.
This go out to the new
Mr. And Ms. Sherman Klump.
- Hear! Hear!
- Come on, ya'll. Take it down.
Whoo! Ernie, this mine. This mine, Ernie.
Yes, indeed. You surely are one in a million.
And I am finally in charge, all
right? All the way in charge.
Sherman Klump in charge.
You know I saved Sherman's life.
Cletus Klump, stop all that bragging.
Come on. Dance with me. Excuse
us. I'll get right back at ya.
Okay, you guys,
you ready?
You know what this means,
don't you?
- Piece of happiness
to call my own.
Anna Pearl, you are looking foxy fine tonight. Oh!
Yeah, you got me feeling
like I'm 20 years old again.
Oh, Cle- Ooh!
Ooh, Cletus,
is that your-
You damn right.
Hercules, Hercules,
Hercules, Hercules!
I love you,Joe College!
Aw, shit. The prop's
falling apart.
You get the heart pumping
with the red wine.
The better
the circulation.
Pumping heart, red wine. One and
one is two. Powerful erection.
Powerful erection!
Hurry, Cletus.
Hurry. Hurry, Cletus.
Oh, Cletus.
Lord, hurry.
Cletus, my areolas
is gonna pop.
I'm ogling you too.
You got time to play.
Let me get this ball out of my pocket.
Wait'll you see
what happens now.
Go on down and get two hands.
Yeah, there.
Ohh. Oh, baby. Lord have mercy. Excuse me.
Why you gotta hit me
in front of my child, Daddy?
Look at me
when I'm talking to you!
...just hold me right there.
I think I gotta go upstairs.
I done almost climaxed
just now when he did that dance.
Whoo. Whoo.
Ohhh. Ohhh.
- Whoa, you better slow this car down. We can't help Sherman wrapped around no light pole.
That ain't funny!
What have I done?
What have I done?
What have I done?
Oh, Lord?
You bitches done ruined everything-
See you tomorrow.
See you tomorrow.