Odd Couple, The (1968) Movie Script

Room, please.
You alone?
How long
you want it for?
Not very long.
Haven't you anything higher?
Good night.
Ante up.
Excuse me, sir.
Aren't you the one
called the Cincinnati Kid?
You don't like it,
get a machine.
Jeez, it stinks in here.
What time is it?
I just like to know
what time it is.
You're winning $95.
That's what time it is.
Where the hell are you running?
I just asked what time it was.
It's 10:30.
Got to leave by 12:00.
Oh, jeez.
I told you that
when I sat down.
Murray, didn't I say that
when I sat down?
Don't talk to him.
He's dealing.
Want to rest for a while, Murray?
Go lie down, sweetheart.
You want speed or accuracy?
Make up your mind.
Hey, you want to
do me a favor?
Smoke towards New Jersey.
No kidding. I'm really worried
about Felix.
He's never been
this late before.
Maybe somebody should call.
Hey, Oscar! Why don't you
call Felix?
Why don't we chip in
and buy another window?
How can you breathe here?
How many cards
you got? Four?
Yes, Murray, we all
have four cards.
You give us one more,
we'll all have five.
If you gave us two,
we'd have six.
You understand
how it works now?
Is Oscar playing or not?
Hey, Oscar!
Hey, Oscar, you in or out?
Out, pussycat, out!
Told my wife I'd be home
by 1:00 the latest.
We're making an 8:00 plane
to Florida. I told you that.
Who goes to Florida in July?
It's off-season.
There's no crowds,
and you get the best room
for 1/10 the price.
No cards.
Some vacation. Six cheap people
in an empty hotel.
Dealer takes four.
Hey, you think maybe
Felix is sick?
I mean, he's never
been this late before.
This is the same garbage
from last week's game.
I'm beginning to
recognize things.
I'm out.
Two kings.
Maybe he's in his office
locked in the john again.
Did you know that Felix
was once locked
in the john overnight?
He wrote out his entire will
on half a roll
of toilet paper.
What a nut.
Don't play with your chips.
I'm asking you nice.
I'm not playing,
I'm counting.
Leave me alone, will you?
If you stop playing
with your chips.
I hate winners
playing with their chips.
It's my house, Vinnie.
You want to play with your chips,
go ahead, darling.
I'm in for a quarter.
Won't you look
at your cards first?
What for?
I'm going to bluff anyway.
Who gets the Pepsi?
I get a Pepsi.
Murray the policeman
gets a warm Pepsi.
Still didn't fix the refrigerator?
It's been two weeks.
No wonder it stinks.
Temper, temper.
If I wanted nagging,
I'd go back with my wife.
I'm out. Who wants food?
What do you got?
I got brown sandwiches
and green sandwiches.
Which one do you want?
What's the green?
It's either very new cheese
or very old meat.
I'll take the brown.
You're not going to
eat that, are you?
I'm hungry.
His refrigerator's
been out of order for two weeks.
I saw milk
standing in there
that wasn't in a bottle.
What are you, a health nut?
Eat, Murray.
I got six cards.
It figures.
I got three aces.
You know who makes
good sandwiches? Felix.
Ever taste his cream cheese
and pimento on date nut bread?
Make up your mind...
poker or recipes.
Aah! Oscar, you got beer
all over my glasses!
You got it on the chips.
You got it all over me now!
Are we going to stand here
or play some poker?
You got it on the suits.
Don't put it
in the middle of the table.
Put it on the side.
Wipe the cards.
Get the beer.
All right, right there.
How can you play like this?
Wipe the beer off.
Right there.
Come on, let's play
some poker here.
What's the game?
Who's playing here?
Vinnie, what time you leaving?
We got 10 minutes
before the next announcement.
All right, this is
five-card stud.
"Five-card studarino"
A red lady, a deuce cuatro,
a big ace for
the policeman. Bet.
The pot's shy.
Who didn't put in a quarter?
You didn't.
You got a big mouth.
Lend me $20.
I just did.
Borrow from somebody else.
I keep winning
my own money back.
You owe everybody.
If you don't have it,
don't play.
I'm through being nice.
You owe me $6.00 apiece
for the buffet.
What buffet?
Hot beer and sandwiches
left over from high school.
What do you want,
a tomato surprise?
Murray, lend me $20,
or I'll tell your wife
you're in Central Park
wearing a dress.
Maybe that's Felix.
Pair of 6s.
Three deuces.
Why didn't you go
to Florida last night?
If that's my wife,
tell her I'm leaving at 12:00.
You look at your watch again,
you get peanuts in your face.
I can't hear you.
Dabby? Dabby who?
No, there's no Dabby here.
Oh, Daddy! For crying
out loud, it's my kid.
Brucey, how are you, baby?
Huh? Yes...No, I couldn't...
No, there's a lot of boys here.
We're playing. Huh?
Boys, give me a break!
My 5-year-old
is calling from California.
Must be costing him a fortune.
How have you been, honey?
Yes, I got your letter.
Yes. It took three weeks.
Next time, you tell Mommy
to give you a stamp.
Yeah, I know, honey,
but you're not
supposed to draw it on.
You hear this?
We hear. We hear.
We're all thrilled.
Huh? Huh? Oh, Mommy
wants to talk to me?
All right, sweetheart.
I love you, soldier. Goodbye.
Ante $1 .00.
You got
$1 .00, Oscar?
Not after I get through
talking to this lady.
Hello, Blanche. How are you?
I got a good idea
why you're calling.
I'm a week behind
with the check, right?
Four weeks? It's not possible.
It's not possible.
Blanche, I keep a record
of every check in my files here.
I happen to know
I'm only three weeks behind.
Look, don't threaten me
with jail, Blanche,
because it's not a threat.
With my expenses and my alimony,
a prisoner takes home
more pay than I do.
Very nice language
in front of the children.
I'm $800 behind in alimony.
Let's raise the stakes.
She can do it.
Throw you in jail.
If she can't aggravate me
once a week, she's not happy.
Aren't you worried
about the kids?
The kids are living
in their grandfather's house
with a swimming pool
in California.
Can we just play cards?
I said you'd get into trouble.
I should know...
I'm your accountant.
If you're my accountant,
how come I need money?
If you need money,
how come you play poker?
Because I need money.
You always lose.
That's why I need money.
Then don't play.
Then don't come to my house
and eat my potato chips!
Beautiful, man.
Why are you yelling?
We're playing a friendly game.
Who's playing?
We've been talking since 8:00.
Since 7:00! I said then
I'd leave at 12:00.
You want a banana in the mouth?
All right.
All right. All right!
Calm down! Calm down!
Take it easy.
I could arrest
the whole lousy game.
Let's just play cards,
and please hold them up.
I can't see
where I marked them.
He owes money to everyone,
and he still
won't take it seriously.
Life goes on, even for those
who are divorced,
broke, and sloppy.
Hello. Divorced,
broke, and sloppy.
Hello, sweetheart.
Yes, darling.
Yes. Listen, darling,
I told you not to call me
during the game.
I can't talk to you now.
Hee hee hee!
You know I do, darling.
Yeah. Hold on just a second.
Murray, it's your wife.
I wish you were having
an affair with her.
Then she wouldn't bother me.
Hello, Mimi.
"What time are you
coming home?"
"About 12:00, 12:30."
About 12:00, 12:30.
Why, what do you want, Mimi?
A corned-beef sandwich
and strawberry malted?
Is she pregnant again?
No, just fat.
How could you hear?
I had the phone over my chest.
Who, Felix?
No, he didn't show up tonight.
What's wrong?
You're kidding.
No. How should I know?
All right, all right, Mimi.
I'll take care of it.
What did I tell you?
Felix is missing.
What do you mean, missing?
He didn't go to work
or come home.
Nobody knows where he is.
Mimi just spoke to his wife.
Wait. No one
is missing for one day.
Maybe he had an accident.
They would have heard.
If he's in a gutter,
who would know him?
He's got 92 credit cards.
When something happens to him,
America lights up.
I'll call his wife.
I thought he looked edgy
the last couple of weeks.
Didn't you think he looked edgy?
No. I thought you looked edgy.
Frances. How are you? Oscar.
Yeah. Yeah, I just heard.
Tell her not to worry.
You know women.
Listen, Frances, the most
important thing is not to worry.
Oh. She's not worried.
Frances, do you have any idea
where he could be?
You what? You're kidding.
Oh, no. I...I didn't know.
Yeah. No, he never told me. Yeah.
All right. Yeah.
Listen, Frances, you sit tight,
and the minute I hear anything,
I'll let you know.
All right. OK. Goodbye.
You going to tell us,
or do we hire
a private detective?
They broke up.
Who? Felix and Frances who.
They broke up.
The entire marriage is through.
You're kidding.
After 12 years?
They were such a happy couple.
He'll go to pieces.
He'll try something crazy.
That's all he talked about...
his wife and kids.
He'll kill himself.
You hear what I'm saying?
He'll kill himself!
Stop being a cop
for two minutes!
Where did he go?
He went to kill himself.
Are you serious?
She said he didn't
want to do it at home
because the kids were sleeping.
Because Felix is a nut.
Did he say, "I'm going
to kill myself"?
I don't know.
She didn't read it to me.
He left a note?
No. He sent a telegram.
A suicide telegram?
Who sends a suicide telegram?
Felix the nut, that's who.
Can you imagine getting it?
She even has to
tip the kid a quarter.
Maybe he's bluffing.
We get these every day.
All they want is sympathy.
We got a guy who
calls every Saturday
from the George
Washington Bridge.
You never can tell
what a guy will do
when he's hysterical.
they don't jump.
What about the 10th time?
They jump. He's right.
There's a possibility.
Not with Felix.
He's too nervous to kill himself.
He wears his seat belt
in a drive-in movie.
If you're going to
kill yourself,
where's the safest place
to do it?
With your friends, right?
Open the door!
He may be hysterical.
Let's play it nice and easy.
Like they do
to those guys on a ledge.
What do we say?
Are you through
with this discussion?
He could have hung himself
in the hall.
Vinnie, open the door.
Remember, like we
don't know nothing.
Oh, hi, Felix.
Hey, fellas.
Hi, Felix.
Hi, Felix.
How's the game going?
Very nice.
Good, good.
Sorry I'm late.
Any...Any ginger ale left?
Ginger ale?
No, I don't think so.
I got some root beer.
Nope. Felt like a ginger ale.
Somehow, I don't feel
like a root beer...
What's the bet?
You bet a quarter.
It's up to Murray.
Murray, what do you say?
What? What?
It's up to you.
Why's it always up to me?
It's not. What do you do?
I'm in.
call about me?
Call about you?
No...no, not that
I can remember.
Why, were you expecting a call?
Did anyone call for Felix?
- No.
- No.
Were you expecting a call?
Uh, no, I was just asking.
I raise a dollar.
Costs me $1 .25 then, right?
I just thought somebody
might have called.
Uh, nobody called, nobody called.
What does it cost me
to play again?
$1 .25. For God's sake,
pay attention!
All right, take it easy, everyone.
Calm down.
He makes me nervous!
You make everybody nervous!
I'm sorry! I'll kill myself!
Oh, sorry.
That's a pretty view from here.
What is it, 12 floors?
No! It's only 11 floors,
that's all.
See, it's only 11 floors.
It says 12,
but it's only 11 .
Gee, it's chilly in here.
Isn't it chilly in here?
Yes. Very chilly.
Want to play, Felix?
It's still early.
We're in no rush.
We'll be here till 3:00,
I don't know, I just...
don't feel much
like playing right now.
What do you feel like doing?
I don't know.
I'll think of something.
Where are you going?
To the john.
I always go alone. Why?
No reason.
You going to be in there long?
Long as it takes.
Are you crazy, letting him
go to the john alone?
Suppose he tries
to kill himself?
How can he kill himself
in the john?
Razor blades, poison...
That's the kids' bathroom.
Maybe he could
brush his teeth to death.
He could jump!
Isn't there a window?
It's only 6 inches wide.
He could break it
and cut his wrists.
He could flush himself
into the East River.
He's not going to try anything.
Listen. Listen.
He's crying.
You hear that? He's crying.
Isn't that terrible? For God's
sakes, Oscar, say something.
What do you say to a man
who's crying in your bathroom?
He's coming.
He's coming.
Sit down! Sit down.
Well, I...
I guess I'll just be
running along...
Oh, Felix.
Felix, wait a minute.
Fellas, I can't talk now.
We're your best friends.
Fellas, please, no!
Talk to us.
There's nothing to talk about.
There's just nothing
to say, Oscar.
It's over.
Let me go, please.
Let him go.
Leave me alone.
Stop him!
Come back here!
Get him! Get him!
Stop, Felix!
Felix! Felix!
Break it down!
Break it down!
Let's break the door down.
Break it in.
He jumped.
My back.
Oh, my back!
My back!
My back.
My back.
Ohh, the back!
Ah! Oh!
Would you
leave me alone?
Ow. My stomach.
the matter?
Nothing's the matter
with my stomach.
I didn't take anything.
Leave me alone.
What did you take?
I didn't take anything.
Don't tell Frances
what I did.
He took pills.
What kind of pills?
Little green ones
out of her medicine cabinet.
Don't call Frances.
When did you
take these pills?
A couple of hours ago.
You won't call her?
How many pills
did you take?
I can't remember.
I think a whole bottle.
A whole bottle
of pills?
My God!
Get an ambulance!
We don't even
know what kind.
He took
a whole bottle.
Maybe they
were vitamins.
He could be
the healthiest one here.
Walk him around.
Don't let him sleep.
Open his collar.
Open the window.
Watch my back!
Keep the circulation
I'm all right.
One doctor
at a time!
All the interns
shut the hell up!
You didn't call
Get his head under
the cold shower.
My arm!
Watch my arm!
Watch my arm!
No, please...Ow!
Cut it out!
We got to get
the pills out.
The pills are out.
I threw up before.
Did you know
I was married 12 years, Roy?
Yes, Felix,
I knew.
It's over
just like that.
Maybe it was just a fight.
You've had fights
before, Felix.
No, no. It's over.
She's getting
a lawyer tomorrow.
My cousin, she's
using my cousin.
Who am I
going to get?
It's OK, Felix.
All right, let's not
stand around looking at him.
Let's break it up.
Yeah. Don't
look at me.
I'm ashamed.
Let's call it a night.
He's all right.
It's all right, Felix.
We understand.
Don't tell anybody
about this, Vinnie.
Now you promise me.
I'm going to Florida
That's nice.
Have a good time.
We were going
to Florida
next winter
without the kids.
Now they're
going without me.
come on, boys.
Good night, Oscar.
Maybe one of us
should stay.
That's OK.
Suppose he tries
something again.
He won't.
How do you know?
I'm not going to
try anything again.
I'm very tired.
You hear?
He's very tired.
He's had
a busy night.
Good night.
If anything happens,
Oscar, just call me.
I'm three blocks away.
I'd be here in five minutes.
If you need me,
I'll be at
the Meridian Motel
in Miami Beach.
You'll be the first one
I call, Vinnie.
Are you sure?
I'm sure.
Good night, Felix.
Get a good night's sleep.
I guarantee things will
look brighter in the morning.
Take away his belt
and his shoelaces.
Oh, Felix, Felix,
Felix, Felix.
I know, I know,
I know...
I know!
Oscar...what am
I going to do, huh?
We'll talk
about it later.
Come on. Get something
to eat first.
Like some
nice, hot Ovaltine?
The terrible thing
is I still love her, you know?
I always loved her.
How about
some Vanilla Wafers
or Vienna Fingers
or some Mallomars?
You like a nice box
of chocolate Mallomars?
I got everything
in here.
We had so much
We had two beautiful kids,
a beautiful home.
Whoever had more
beautiful kids
or a more
beautiful home?
Nobody. Nobody.
It's 12 years of marriage
down the drain.
Drains can be fixed.
That's why we have plumbers.
Get me a pot
under the sink, will you?
It's not fair.
Damn it,
it's not fa...aah!
What's the matter?
My neck. My neck.
I got a nerve spasm
in my neck.
Just take it easy.
Show me where it hurts.
I can't
straighten it out.
Don't touch me.
Don't touch me.
I just want to see
where it hurts.
I get it from tension.
I must be tense.
I wouldn't be
Aah! Oh!
Relax, damn it,
Don't yell at me.
Ow. Ow.
Does that hurt?
No. It feels good.
You make the same sounds
for pain or happiness.
I know.
I think I'm crazy.
If it'll make you
feel any better,
I think so, too.
The first sign
of anything going wrong,
and I fall
to pieces.
Don't stop. It feels
good when you rub.
If you don't relax,
I'll break my fingers.
Look at this...
The only man in the world
with clenched hair.
Bend over.
Just bend over. Attaboy.
OK, now,
hold still.
If this hurts,
Felix, tell me,
'cause I don't know
what the hell I'm doing.
What's that noise?
I can't breathe.
It must be the dust.
Open the window.
Get some fresh air.
Wait. We're not opening
any windows on the 11th floor.
We'll go downstairs
for a walk.
I wish I were like you,
But I'm weak,
and I admit it...
I'm weak, weak.
You'll outlive today's
entire generation.
You want a lick?
You don't understand.
I'm nothing without
my wife and kids.
You don't...
I'm nothing!
You're not nothing.
You're something.
You're a person.
You're flesh and blood and bones
and hair and nails and ears.
You're not a fish.
You're not a buffalo.
You're you.
You walk and talk
and cry and complain
and eat
little green pills
and send
suicide telegrams.
No one else does that,
Felix, no one.
You're the only one
of its kind in the world.
You've stained me.
Chocolate ice cream stains.
That's a stain.
Ice cream
doesn't stain.
Oh, vanilla and coffee
don't stain.
Chocolate does.
That's a stain.
Felix, leave that alone.
You'll get a water stain.
That won't come out.
a permanent stain.
You ready
to order now?
Oh, hi!
Hey, there's
my little pussycat.
Come over here,
For a tip, I'll leave
my apartment key.
Is it informal,
or can I bring my husband?
Never mind. I can't
wait that long.
How about five quick minutes
behind the cash register?
Aah! Ha ha ha!
If you bite,
I can't write.
What will you have?
A cup of hot tea
for me, please.
Cup of hot tea for
Diamond Jim Brady.
You going to
eat anything?
Let's see. I just
had an ice cream.
Give me a corned beef
on rye, all fat,
and a high-calorie
cream soda.
Isn't she cuu-cute?
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha!
If you don't try,
how are you
going to find out?
Exactly. It's very easy
for you and me, Oscar.
We're men.
We're out in the world.
We can meet new people.
What about Frances?
Divorce is much
harder on the woman.
She's alone with the kids,
stuck in the house.
How is she going to
meet somebody now,
at her age,
with two kids?
I don't know.
Maybe someone
will come to the door.
Can we stop
talking about Frances?
Would you like me
to just forget her?
How do you wipe out 12 years
of marriage just like that?
You don't.
Face the facts, Felix.
You can't spend
your life crying.
It annoys people
at movies.
What's the matter?
Too cold.
It's the air conditioning.
Why do they always
turn them up so high?
I'll probably
get the flu.
You want me to ask
for a blanket?
You got to be careful
with air conditioning.
I never let Frances
use ours in the summer.
Oh, she must be crazy
about that.
Where are you going?
Let's move
to another table.
Oh, I knew it.
[Nasal Honking]
What's the matter now?
[Honk Honk]
I got this...My ears
are filling up.
I got this
sinus condition.
It's the change
in temperature.
I always get it from
air conditioning.
Maybe it'll go away.
No. It's all part
of my allergies.
I get them
in the summer.
Only in the summer?
In the winter, too.
I get them all year.
I'm allergic
to foods
and pillows and curtains
and perfumes.
Can you imagine that?
Allergic to perfumes.
That used to drive
Frances crazy.
For a while, she
couldn't wear anything
except my
after-shave lotion.
I was impossible
to live with.
[Very Loud
Nasal Honking]
Stop that, will you?
What are you doing?
I'm trying
to clear up my ears.
You create a pressure
inside your head.
It opens up
the eustachian tubes.
[Loud Honking]
Did it open up?
Uh-huh. I think
I strained my throat.
Felix, will you
leave yourself alone?
Don't tinker.
I know.
I can't help it.
I drive everybody crazy.
A marriage counselor
once kicked me out of his office.
Wrote on my chart...
It takes two to make
a rotten marriage.
You don't know
what I was like at home.
I'm a compulsive cleaner...
always cleaning up
after Frances.
Then I'd go into the kitchen
and recook her meals
because I'm also
a much better cook than she is.
I cooked myself
right out of a marriage.
Stupid damned idiot!
Hey, Felix,
don't do that.
You'll get
a headache.
I can't stand it anymore.
It's just...
I hate me.
Oh, boy,
do I hate me.
You don't hate you.
You love you.
You think no one else
has problems like you.
I thought
you were my friend.
I am. That's why I can
talk to you this way...
Because I love you
almost as much as you do.
Then why
don't you help?
How can I help you
when I can't even help myself?
You think you're impossible
to live with?
Ha ha! Blanche
used to say to me,
"What time
do you want dinner?"
I'd say, "I don't know.
I'm not hungry."
Then 3 A.M., I'd wake her up,
and I'd say, "Now."
I've been one of
the highest-paid sportswriters
for the past
We saved $8.50
in pennies.
I'm never home.
I gamble.
I burn cigar holes
in furniture,
drink like a fish,
lie to her.
Then for our 10th
wedding anniversary, I took her
to the New York Rangers/
Detroit Red Wings hockey game,
where she got hit
by a puck.
I still can't figure out
why she left me.
That's how
impossible I am.
Come on. Let's get
out of here.
The muggers
will be here soon.
I don't think I can take
living alone, Oscar.
In two weeks,
I'll go to pieces.
How will I work?
How will I make a living?
You'll go on
street corners and cry.
They'll throw
nickels at you.
Tonight you'll
sleep here.
Tomorrow you get
your clothes
and your
electric toothbrush,
and you move
in here with me.
It's your apartment.
I'll just be in the way.
There's eight rooms.
We could go for a year
without seeing each other.
Don't you understand?
I want you to move in.
Why? I'm a pest.
I know you're a pest.
Don't keep telling me.
Why do you want me
to move in?
Because I can't stand
living alone, that's why.
For crying out loud,
I'm proposing to you.
What do you want...
a ring?
Oscar, if you mean it,
there's a lot
I can do around here.
I'm very handy
around the house.
I know how to fix things.
I fixed my wife's
hair dryer.
I don't have a hair dryer.
Blanche took it.
Well, let me do
I got to do something.
You can take my wife's
initials off the towels.
You can sleep in here,
Brucey's room.
I can cook, you know?
I'm a terrific cook.
You don't
have to cook.
I got enough potato chips
for a year.
Two meals a day at home.
We'll save a fortune.
We got to pay alimony,
you know.
OK, Felix,
you can cook.
You like leg of lamb?
I'll make it this weekend.
Oh, I got to call Frances.
She's got my big pot.
Hey, will you
forget Frances?
We'll get
our own pots.
Don't drive me crazy
before you move in.
[Telephone Ringing]
Well, listen,
Oscar, uh, hey,
if I do anything
that irritates you
or gets on your nerves,
don't be afraid
to tell me.
It's your apartment.
I don't want
to irritate you.
Oh, hello, Frances.
I'm not here.
I'm not here.
You haven't
heard from me.
You don't know
where I've been.
I didn't call.
I'm not here.
Yes, he's here.
How's she sound?
Is she worried?
What's she saying?
Is she crying?
Does she want
to speak to me?
I don't want to
talk to her.
He's going to
stay here with me.
Tell her I'm not coming back.
I've had it.
I've taken just
as much as she has.
I'm human,
too, you know.
She's not
the only one
that's suffered
in this marriage.
Tell her that.
Yes, he's fine.
Don't tell her
I'm fine!
You heard how
I was carrying on.
I was going to
kill myself.
Why did you tell her
I'm fine?
Yes, I understand,
Ask her if she wants
to speak to me.
Do you want
to speak to him?
Give me the phone.
You don't want
to speak to him.
OK, good night,
She doesn't want
to speak to me?
Why did she call?
Wants to know when you're
coming over for your clothes.
She wants to have
the room repainted.
Listen, Felix,
it's almost 1:00.
Let's go to bed, huh?
She didn't want
to speak to me.
I'll get you
a pair of pajamas.
You like stripes,
dots, or animals?
I want to kill
and she's
picking out colors.
How about some slippers?
I got some house slippers for you.
I'm glad... because she finally
made me realize it's over.
It didn't sink in
until just this minute.
Felix, I want you to go to bed.
My marriage is really over.
Well, it doesn't seem so bad now.
I think I can live
with this thing.
Live with it tomorrow.
Go to bed tonight.
In a few minutes.
I've got to think.
I got to rearrange my life.
Felix, this is my apartment.
I make up the bedtime.
You don't understand, Oscar.
I just want to be
alone for a while.
You go to bed. I'll clean up.
You don't have to clean up.
I can't sleep with a room like this.
Go to bed.
I'll see you in the morning.
I'll cook you breakfast.
Listen, Felix, you're not going...
You're not going to
do anything big
like rolling up rugs, are you?
I'm going to be.
Just 10 minutes.
I'll do the dishes and go to bed.
He's going to do the dishes.
Hey, Oscar!
Oscar, I'm going to be all right.
It may take a few days.
I'm going to be all right.
Good. Good.
Good night, Felix.
Good night, Frances.
Morning, Harry.
Good morning.
Hey, there's my bus.
See you tonight, Oscar.
Right, Fel.
Hey, Oscar, what will
I make for dinner?
The batter, number nine,
Bill Mazeroski,
second base.
Well, that's
the ballgame.
It's not over yet.
Bases loaded, Mazeroski up,
ninth inning...
You expect the Mets
to hold a one-run lead?
What's the matter...
You never heard
of a triple play?
[Telephone Rings]
Hello. Uh-huh.
Phone for you,
I'll call them back.
He says it's
an emergency.
Oscar, just called
to tell you...
Don't eat any frankfurters
at the ballgame today.
I decided to make franks and beans
for dinner tonight.
[Crowd Cheering]
A triple play!
The Mets did it!
The greatest fielding play
I ever saw,
and you missed it, Oscar!
You missed it!
Are you crazy?
Are you out
of your mind?
Take your
frankfurters and...
Oscar? Hey, Oscar.
[Door Buzzer]
I'm sorry
I'm late.
Wipe your feet.
If you know what's good for you,
wipe your feet.
How's the game
Hey, what happened
to the apartment?
It's been given the Good
Housekeeping Seal of Approval.
Deal the cards.
Hey, Murray.
Ante up.
Everybody in?
What are we
[Felix Humming]
A cold glass
of beer for Roy.
Thank you.
your coaster?
My what?
Little round thing
goes under the glass.
I think I bet it.
Here. I knew I was
winning too much.
Try to use
the coasters, fellas.
little bit of water.
Scotch and water,
and I have my coaster.
I don't want
to be a pest,
but you know
what wet glasses do.
They leave little rings
on the table.
Little rings
on the table.
And we don't want
little rings on the table.
And we have a nice,
warm sandwich for Vinnie.
Gee, it smells good.
What is it?
Bacon, lettuce, and tomato
with mayonnaise
on pumpernickel toast.
You mean
you just made it?
You put in toast
and cooked bacon just for me?
If you don't like it,
he'll make you meat loaf
in five minutes.
You know how I love to...
Eat over the dish.
I just vacuumed the rug.
Mmm. Good.
Hey, Oscar,
what did you want?
Two 3 1/2 minute eggs
and some petits fours.
Oh, double gin
and tonic, right?
Be with you
in a minute.
Who turned off
the dehumidifier?
The dehumidifier.
Fellas, I asked you...
Don't play with this.
I'm trying to get some of
the grime out of the air.
Murray, I'll give you
$200 for your gun.
I have had it
up to here.
In the last
three hours,
we've played
four minutes of poker.
I'm not giving up
Friday nights
to watch cooking
and cleaning.
I can't breathe.
That lousy machine
is sucking everything
out of the air.
Gee, this is delicious.
Who wants a bite?
I didn't have any supper.
Is the toast warm?
Perfect. And not
too much mayonnaise.
It's really
a well-made sandwich.
Cut me off
a little piece.
Give me
your napkin.
I don't want
to drop crumbs.
Martha and Gertrude
at the Automat.
That thing
could kill us.
They'll find us
with our tongues on the floor.
Do something, Oscar.
Get him back into the game.
Don't come to me
with your petty problems.
You get this
one stinking night a week.
I'm cooped up here
with Mary Poppins 24 hours a day.
Felix, get in here, will you?
It was better before,
with the garbage and the smoke.
Did you notice what
he does with the bread?
He cuts off the crusts.
That's why it's so light.
He only uses the soft green part
of the lettuce.
It's really delicious.
I'm going out of my mind.
Felix, get in here!
I won't ask again!
Forget it. I'm going home.
The day his marriage busted up
was the end of our poker game.
Speed, you can't go now.
I'm a big loser.
You got no one to blame
but yourself.
It's your fault.
You're the one who stopped him
from killing himself.
He's right. That man
is absolutely right.
Are you going to eat that pickle?
I wasn't thinking of it.
Why? Do you want it?
Unless you want it.
It's your pickle.
Take it. I don't
usually eat pickles.
Deal the cards.
What did you
do that for?
You want to play poker,
deal the cards.
You want to eat,
go to a delicatessen.
Will you keep your pickles
and your sandwiches to yourself?
I'm losing $53 here,
and everybody's getting fat.
Close the stinkin' restaurant
and sit down.
We got a poker game
going on here.
Is it up to me...
Who threw a pickle on my floor?
I don't think
that's funny.
What is
that smell?
It's the cards.
He washed the cards.
I'm getting
out of here.
I can't stand
any more.
Wait a minute, Roy.
Where are you going?
I've been sitting here
breathing cleaning fluid
and ammonia
for three hours.
Nature didn't intend for poker
to be played like that.
ready to play.
Good. We got just enough
for handball.
Where is everybody?
You got the nerve
to ask that question?
I've just been
sterilized out of $53.
Well, I'm sorry.
Is it my fault, fellas?
No. I guess no one
feels like playing tonight.
I'd better be going, too.
Got to get up early.
Bebe and I are driving to
Asbury Park for the weekend.
Just the two of you?
Gee, that's nice.
You always do things
like that together, don't you?
We have to.
I don't know how to drive.
You coming, Murray?
Yeah. Why not?
I got to stop off
and get Mimi a hero sandwich
and a frozen eclair.
Marriage. Huh!
Those two playboys
sure got the life,
huh, Vinnie?
Yeah. Some life
those playboys got.
That's funny,
isn't it, Oscar?
They think we're happy.
Ha ha ha!
They really think we're
enjoying ourselves.
Well, they don't know.
They just don't know
what it's like
living alone, do they?
I'd be immensely grateful
to you, Felix,
if you didn't
clean up just now.
Just a few things.
But playboys...us!
Ha ha ha!
That's really funny.
I think they
actually envy us.
Well, they should
only know.
Felix, will you leave
everything alone, please?
I'm not through
dirtying up for the night.
Don't you see
the irony of it?
Don't you
see the irony?
Yes, I see it.
I really don't think
you see it.
Felix, I'm telling you,
I see the irony of it.
Then tell me...
What's the irony?
The irony is that unless
we come to some other arrangement,
I'm going to kill you.
That's the irony of it.
What's wrong, Oscar?
There's something wrong
with this system.
I don't think that
two single men living alone
in a big eight-room
should have a cleaner house
than my mother.
Wait. What are you
talking about?
I didn't say
you have to.
You don't have to
clean up.
What you do is worse.
You're always
hanging up my towels.
You follow me around
with an ashtray.
Last night, I found you
in the kitchen
washing the floor,
shaking your head,
and moaning,
"Footprints, footprints."
I didn't say
they were yours.
Well, they were mine,
damn it.
I have feet,
and they make prints.
Should I climb
across the cabinets?
No! Just walk
on the floor!
Well, I appreciate that.
I really do.
I'm only trying to keep
this place livable.
I didn't know
I irritated you that much.
Leave my pictures alone.
I was just trying
to even them up.
I want them uneven.
They're my pictures.
Even up
your own pictures.
I was wondering
how long it would take.
How long what
would take?
Before I got
on your nerves.
I didn't say
you got on my nerves.
Please don't do that.
Same thing. You said
I irritated you.
No. You said you irritated me.
I didn't say it.
What did you say?
I don't remember.
What's the difference?
No difference.
I was just repeating
what I thought
you said.
Don't repeat what
you thought I said!
Repeat what I said!
My God,
that's irritating!
See? You did say it.
I don't believe
this whole conversation.
Oscar, I'm sorry.
I don't know
what's wrong with me.
And don't pout.
You want to fight,
we'll fight, but don't pout.
Fighting...I win.
Pouting...you win.
You're right.
You're right.
Everything you say about me
is absolutely right.
Don't give in
so easily.
I'm not always right.
Sometimes you're right.
You're right. I do that.
I always figure I'm wrong.
Only this time,
you are wrong and I'm right.
Oh, leave me alone.
And don't sulk.
That's the same as pouting.
I know, I know. Oh, damn me.
Why can't I do just
one lousy thing right?
Why didn't you throw it?
I almost did. Sometimes I get
so insane with myself.
Then why don't you throw the cup?
I'm trying
to control myself.
Why are you trying
to control yourself?
What do you mean? Why?
You were angry.
You felt like throwing the cup.
Why didn't you throw it?
Because I would still be angry
and I would have a broken cup.
How do you know?
Maybe you'd feel wonderful.
Why do you have to control
every single thought
that comes into your head?
Why don't you let loose
once in your life?
Do something that you
feel like doing,
not what you think
you're supposed to do.
Stop controlling yourself, Felix!
Relax! Get drunk! Get angry!
Come on! Break the lousy cup!
Ow! I hurt my arm!
You're hopeless.
You're a hopeless mental case.
I shouldn't throw with that arm.
I've got bursitis.
Why don't you
live in a closet?
I'll leave your meals
outside the door
and slide in the newspapers.
Oh, cut it out. I hurt easily.
I can't help the way I am.
You're not going
to cry, are you?
I think all those tears
dripping on your arm
is what gave you bursitis.
Let me tell you something, Oscar.
I may not be the easiest person
in the world to live with,
but you could have
done a lot worse...
a whole lot worse.
I put order in this house.
For the first time in months,
you're saving money,
you're sleeping on clean sheets,
you're eating hot meals
for a change,
and I did that.
Yes, that's right.
Then at night, after we've had
your halibut steak
in your tartare sauce,
I have to spend
the rest of the evening
watching you Saran-Wrap
the leftovers.
Felix, when are you and I
going to have some fun...
a little relaxation...
get out of the house?
What are you talking about?
We have fun.
Eat over the plate.
Fun? Listen, getting
a clear picture
on channel two is not
my idea of whoopee.
We don't always watch TV.
Sometimes we read. Sometimes we talk.
Yeah. I read, and you talk.
I try to work, and you talk.
I go to sleep, and you talk.
We got your life
arranged pretty good,
but I'm still looking
for a little entertainment.
What are you saying...
I talk too much?
Nah. I'm not complaining.
You got a lot to say.
What's worrying me
is I'm beginning to listen.
You're not going to
hear another peep out of me.
You're not going to
give me a haircut, are you?
I'm going to cut up
some cabbage and greens
and make coleslaw for tomorrow.
I don't want any coleslaw
for tomorrow!
I just want to have
some fun tonight.
I thought you liked my coleslaw.
I love your coleslaw.
I swear, I love it.
I'll take your
coleslaw with me
to work tomorrow,
but not tonight.
Let's go out of the house.
All right, let's go.
I only make it for you.
I don't like coleslaw.
If you wanted to go out,
why didn't you say so?
You think I like
working and slaving
in the kitchen all day long?
Strike! Ow!
Hey, how about that?
Oscar, you're right.
When you're right, you're right.
A person has to get
out of the house once in a while.
Oh, yes, bowling...
Bowling is wonderful exercise, Felix,
but that's not
the kind of relaxation
I had in mind.
I mean, the night was made
for other things.
Like what?
Like unless I get to touch
something soft
in the next two weeks,
I'm in big trouble.
Oh, you mean women?
If you want to give it a name,
all right, women.
That's funny. I haven't thought
of women in weeks.
I fail to see the humor.
all I'm saying is,
why don't we spend one night
talking to someone
with higher voices than us?
You mean...
That's what I mean.
I can't.
Why not?
I'm just not ready for it yet.
I don't want to discuss it.
Let's bowl.
I intend to go out.
I get as lonely
as the next fella,
but I've only been separated
a couple of weeks.
Give me a little time, will you?
There isn't any time left.
I saw TV Guide, and there's
nothing on this week.
What am I asking you,
for crying out loud?
All I want to do
is have dinner and some laughs
with a couple of girls.
Can't you go out yourself?
Why do you need me?
I may want to come back
to the apartment.
If we walk in and find you
washing the windows,
it puts a damper on things.
I'll take a pill and go to sleep.
Why take a pill
when you can take a girl?
Because I'd feel guilty.
I'm sorry, but that's why.
If it doesn't make sense to you,
it's the way I feel.
Go ahead and shoot.
Anyway, who would I call?
I don't even know
any single girls.
Leave that to me.
Two sisters live in our building...
English girls.
One's a widow,
the other one's a divorcee.
They're a barrel of laughs.
How do you know?
I was trapped in the elevator
with them last week.
Please, Felix.
Please just say yes.
I can call them now.
Please say yes for my sake.
If it means that much to you...
Atta baby. That's the Felix
I've been waiting for.
Wait. What do they look like?
Don't worry. Yours is very pretty.
Excuse me.
We're all set.
Which one do I get?
The divorcee.
Why do I get the divorcee?
I don't care.
You want the widow?
I don't want the widow.
I don't even want the divorcee.
I'm just doing this
for you.
Take whoever you want.
When they walk in,
point to the sister of your choice.
I just want some laughs.
What are they... old...
I mean, how? 30, 35, older?
What's the matter with you?
They're young.
They're young kids.
Where did you say you met them?
Did they want to meet me?
Don't forget and suddenly
call one of them Frances!
It's Gwendolyn and Cecily!
No Frances!
Gwendolyn and Cecily!
"Rule, Britannia,
Britannia, rule the waves"
Supposing my kids see me?
I'm going to night clubs
with foreign girls.
I've got two American
kids to support.
Where are we going to have dinner?
Where are we going to have dinner?
Anywhere you say.
Chinese, Italian...
You mean a restaurant?
It will cost a fortune.
We'll cut down on laundry.
We don't wear socks on Thursdays.
We can't afford restaurants.
We'll eat here.
I'll cook. We'll save $30, $40.
What kind of a double date is that?
Well, you'll be
in the kitchen all night!
No, I won't. I'd put it up
in the afternoon.
Once I get my potatoes in,
I got all the time in the world.
What happened
to the whole new Felix?
Who are you calling?
Frances. I want to get
her recipe for meat loaf.
The girls will be
crazy about it.
I'd like fresh ground.
That's fresh.
That's not fresh.
That's packaged. I want fresh.
How much?
Is that one ripe?
Not for tonight. Couple of days.
Thank you.
Hey. Beautiful.
I'm home, dear!
Something wonderful
is going on in that kitchen.
No, sir, no doubt about it,
I am the luckiest man on Earth.
Felix, listen. I got the wine.
Batard-Montrachet. $6.25.
You don't mind, do you, pussycat?
We can walk to work
this week. Ha ha!
No kidding, Felix.
You did a great job.
One little suggestion...
Let's come down
a little bit with the lights
and up very softly
with the music, huh?
Hey, do you think Mozart
goes good with meat loaf?
What's the matter, Felix?
Something's wrong.
I can tell from your conversation.
All right, Felix.
What is it? What is it?
What is it?
Let's start with
what time you think it is.
What time?
I don't know...7:30?
All right, so it's 8:00. So?
So you said you'd be home at 7:00.
Is that what I said?
"I'll be home at 7:00"
is what you said.
So I said I'd be home at 7:00,
and it's 8:00.
So what's the problem?
If you knew you were
going to be late,
why didn't you call me?
I couldn't call you. I was busy.
Too busy to pick up a phone?
Where were you?
I was in the office working.
In the office working?
I called your office at 7:00.
You were gone.
It took me an hour to get home.
I couldn't get a cab.
Since when do they have cabs
in Hannigan's Bar?
Hey, wait a minute, will you?
I want to get this down
on a tape recorder
because nobody's going to believe me.
You mean now I got to call you
if I'm coming home
late for dinner?
Not any dinner...
Just the ones that I've
been slaving over
since 5:00 this afternoon
to help save you money
to pay your wife's alimony.
Felix, this is no time
to have a domestic quarrel.
We got two girls
coming down here any minute.
You mean you told them
to be here at 8:00?
I don't remember what I said.
difference does it make?
I'll tell you what the hell
difference it makes!
You told me they would
be here at 7:30.
You were going to be here at 7:00,
help me with the hors d'oeuvres,
then at 7:30 they get here,
and we have drinks... cocktails.
At 8:00 we're going to eat dinner.
Well, it's now 8:00,
and my dinner's finished.
The meat loaf is done!
Now if we don't eat
within 15 seconds,
the whole damn thing
will be dried out!
God help me.
Never mind helping you!
Tell him to save my meat loaf!
Can't you keep it warm?
What do you think I am...
the Magic Chef?
I'm lucky I got it
to come out at 8:00...
Wh-Wh-What am I going to do?
I don't know. Keep
pouring gravy on it.
Wh-Wh-What gravy?
Don't you have any gravy?
Where am I going to
get gravy at 8:00?
I don't know.
I thought it comes
when you cook the meat.
When you cook the meat...
You don't know what
you're talking about.
You just don't know,
because you've got to make gravy.
It doesn't come!
Well, you asked my advice, so...
Your advice?
You didn't even know
where this kitchen was
till I showed it to you!
You want to talk to me, buddy,
put down that spoon.
Spoon! You dumb ignoramus!
That is a ladle!
You did not know that's a ladle!
Get ahold of yourself.
You think it's so easy?
Go ahead.
The kitchen's yours, all yours.
You go make a meat loaf
for four people
that come a half-hour late.
Listen to me. I'm arguing
with him over gravy.
They're here... the dinner guests.
I'll get a saw
and cut the meat.
Listen! I want to tell you
something, Oscar.
I won't take the blame
for this dinner.
Who's blaming you?
Who even cares about the dinner?
I care! I take pride in what I do.
You're going to explain to them
exactly what happened.
OK. You can take a picture
of me coming in at 8:00.
Now take off that stupid apron
because I'm opening the door.
This is the last time
I cook anything for you.
People like you don't even
appreciate a decent meal,
and that's why they have TV dinners.
Are you through?
Then smile.
Hi there.
I hope we're not late.
No, not at all.
You timed it perfectly!
Perfectly! Come on in.
Oh, it's lovely.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Oh, Felix, I'd like you to meet
two elevator acquaintances of mine...
Gwendolyn and Cecily.
No, Cecily and Gwendolyn.
Oh, terribly sorry!
Cecily and Gwendolyn.
Don't tell me... Robin? No.
No. Wrong both times.
It's Pigeon.
Pigeon. Yes.
Cecily and Gwendolyn Pigeon.
The Pigeon sisters.
Or as our friends in Chelsea
used to call us,
the Coo-coo Pigeon Sisters.
I like that.
Why, thank you.
Girls, I'd like you to meet
my roommate and our chef
for the evening,
Mr. Felix Ungar.
How do you do?
How you do?
Well, we did that beautifully.
Shall we sit down,
make ourselves comfortable?
Yes, I'd love to. This is so nice.
Look. Shall I sit here?
Sure, sure. Anyplace you like.
Anyplace at all.
Don't sit on the hors d'oeuvres.
Well, this is ever so nice,
isn't it, Gwen?
Yes, it is. Yes.
It's so much neater
than our flat.
Do you have help?
Yes. I have a man
who comes in every night.
Well, aren't you the lucky one!
Boy, this is really nice.
You know, I was telling Felix
only yesterday
how we happened to meet.
Who's Felix?
He is.
Oh, yes, of course.
I'm sorry.
You know, it happened to us
again this morning.
What did?
Stuck in the lift again.
No kidding!
Just the two of you?
And poor Mr. Kessler
from the third floor.
We were in there
nearly half an hour.
Is that right?
Well, what happened?
Oh, nothing much, I'm afraid.
Oh, honestly.
Oh, Gwen.
You're terrible.
I know.
Boy, this is really nice.
And ever so much cooler
than our place.
Oh, yes.
Oh, it's like equatorial Africa
on our side of the building.
Well, last night it was so bad,
Gwen and I sat there
in nature's own,
cooling ourselves
in front of the open fridge.
Can you imagine such a thing?
Well, I'm working on it.
But no, no...
Actually, it's impossible
to get a night's sleep.
Cece and I really don't know
what to do about it.
Why don't you sleep
with an air conditioner?
We haven't got one.
Yeah, but we have.
Oh, you!
Ooh, I told about that one,
didn't I?
Yeah, they say it may rain Friday.
Well, that should
cool things off a bit.
Yes. I wouldn't be surprised.
Although sometimes
it gets hotter after it rains.
Yes, it does, doesn't it?
Yes. Sometimes
it gets a little hotter.
Yes, it can get...
Dinner's served.
No, it isn't.
Yes, it is.
No, I'm sure the girls
would like to have
a little cocktail first,
wouldn't you, girls?
Well, I wouldn't
put up a struggle.
There you are.
What would you like?
I don't know. What have you got?
Meat loaf.
She means to drink.
We have everything,
and what we don't have,
I mix in the medicine cabinet.
What will it be?
Oh... a double vodka.
Oh, darling, please.
Not before dinner. Please.
My sister... Honestly,
she watches over me
like a mother hen.
Make it a small double vodka.
Small double vodka...
And for the beautiful mother hen?
Well, um, I think I'd
like something cool.
Um...what... I know, I know.
I would like a double Drambuie
with crushed ice...
unless, of course,
you haven't got the crushed ice.
I was up all night
with a sledge hammer.
I shall return.
Um, excuse...
Where are you going?
To get the refreshments.
What am I going to do?
You can finish
the weather report.
Don't forget to look
at my meat loaf.
Ha ha!
Oscar tells me you're sisters.
Yes, that's right.
From England.
Yes, yes, that's right.
I see.
We're not brothers.
Yes. We know.
Uh, yes...
Although I am a brother.
Oh, yeah. I have a brother.
He's a doctor.
Lives in Buffalo.
That's upstate New York.
Yes. We know.
You know my brother?
No! No, we know
that Buffalo is upstate in New York.
Thank you.
We've been there. Have you?
No. Is it nice?
Oh, it's lovely.
Oh, isn't that interesting?
Silly me.
Thank you.
How long have you two been
in the United States of America?
Oh, um...four?
Almost four years now.
Just visiting?
No, no, no. We live here.
Do you work here, too?
Do you?
Oh, yes, yes. We're secretaries
for a health club.
People bring us their bodies,
and we do wonderful
things with them.
Actually, if you're interested,
we could get you 10% off.
Off the price,
not off your body.
I couldn't help it.
Where's the drinks? Huh?
And what field of endeavor
are you engaged in?
Uh, I write the news
for television.
Oh, fascinating.
Where do you get your ideas from?
From, uh, uh...
the news.
Oh, yes, of course.
Silly me.
Well, maybe you can
mention Gwen and I
in one of your news reports.
Well, you do something spectacular,
maybe I will.
We've done spectacular things,
but I don't think
we'd want it spread
all over the telly, do you, Gwen?
Could you imagine?
This apartment is so big,
sometimes you have to holler.
Well, just you two baches live here?
Uh, baches?
Oh, you mean bach...bachelors?
Oh, we're not bachelors.
We're divorced.
That is, Oscar's divorced,
and I'm getting, uh...
Oh, small world!
We've cut the dinghy loose,
too, as they say.
Well, you couldn't have
a better-matched
foursome, could you?
I suppose not.
Although technically I am a widow.
I was divorcing my husband,
but he died before
the final papers came through.
Oh, I'm awfully sorry.
Divorce is a terrible
thing, isn't it?
Oh, it can be
if you haven't
got the right solicitor.
Now, that's true.
Sometimes it can drag out for months.
I was lucky. Snip, cut,
and I was free.
Oh, but of course,
that's all water
under the bridge now, isn't it?
I'm terribly sorry.
I think I've forgotten your name.
Of course. Felix.
Like the cat.
Oh, well, the Pigeons
will have to beware
of the cat, won't they?
That's terrible. Quit it!
That's the worst part
about breaking up.
Childhood sweethearts, were you?
No. That's my little boy and girl.
He's 7, and she's 5.
Oh, sweet.
They live with their mother.
I imagine you must
miss them terribly.
Oh, I can't stand
being away from them,
but that's what happens
with divorce.
When do you get to see them?
Every night.
I drop by on the way home,
and I take them on weekends,
and I get them on holidays...
July and August.
Well, when is it that you miss them?
Whenever I'm not there.
If they didn't have to
go to school so early,
I'd get up and make them breakfast.
They love my French toast.
Well, you certainly are
a devoted father.
Oh, it's Frances
who's the wonderful one.
She's the little girl?
No, she's the mother...
my wife.
What, the one you're divorcing?
Yeah. She's done a terrific job
in bringing them up.
They always look so nice, so polite,
speak beautifully.
Never "yeah," always "yes."
Oh, isn't that lovely?
And she's done it all.
She's...She's a wonderful woman.
She's the kind of a woman who...
What am I doing?
You're not interested
in any of this.
Why, nonsense!
You've a right to be proud.
You have two
beautiful children
and a wonderful ex-wife.
Here's Frances. See?
she's pretty!
Isn't she pretty, Cecy?
Oh, yes. Pretty, pretty girl.
She is pretty.
Here...Isn't that nice?
There's no one in the picture.
I know. That's a picture
of our living room.
We had a beautiful apartment.
Oh, it is. It's pretty.
It's very pretty.
Those are lovely lamps.
Oh, thank you.
We got those in Mexico...
on our honeymoon.
Gee, I used to love
to come home at night.
That was my whole life...
my wife and my kids
and my apartment.
Does she have the lamps now, too?
Oh, yes.
I gave her everything...
the children...
the lamps.
I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?
I didn't mean to get emotional.
Would you like
some potato chips?
Oh, please.
Please, you mustn't be ashamed.
I think...I think
it's a rare quality
in a man to be able to cry.
So do I.
I think it's sweet...
terribly, terribly sweet.
Please, because you're
just making it worse.
No! No, it's
so refreshing to hear a man
speak so highly of the woman
he's divorcing.
Oh, dear.
Now...Now you've got me thinking
about poor Sydney.
Oh, Gwen, please.
Well, it was a good marriage
at first, wasn't it?
Everybody said so, didn't they?
Not like you and George.
No. That's right.
George and I were never happy...
not for one single, solitary day.
This is ridiculous!
I don't know what brought this on.
I was feeling so good
a few minutes ago.
I haven't cried since I was 14.
Is everybody happy?
What the hell happened?
Nothing, nothing.
Nothing? I'm gone three minutes,
and I walk into a funeral parlor.
What did you say to them?
I didn't say anything to them.
Don't start in on me.
I can't leave you alone
for five seconds.
If you really want to cry,
go in the kitchen
and look at your meat loaf.
Well, why didn't you call me?
Girls, I'm terribly sorry...
really I am.
I forgot to warn you
about Felix.
He's a walking soap opera!
I think he's the dearest thing
I've ever met.
He's so sensitive,
so fragile.
I just want to
bundle him up in my arms
and take care of him.
I think when he comes out
of that kitchen,
you may have to.
We better get some
corned beef sandwiches.
No, wait, Felix.
Maybe we can salvage it.
Yeah, let's see it.
See it? See what?
$4.80 worth of ashes?
I'd throw it down the incinerator,
but it won't burn twice.
l...l...I've got
a wonderful idea.
Why don't we eat up at our place?
That's a wonderful idea!
That is, if you don't
mind taking potluck.
I'm crazy about potluck!
Of course,
it's awfully hot up there.
You'll have to take off
your jackets.
We can always open up
a refrigerator!
Give us five minutes
to get into our cooking things.
Five minutes?
Can't you make it four?
I'm starving.
Ooh, don't forget the wine.
How could I forget the wine?
And Felix.
No. I won't forget Felix.
You bet your sweet
little crumpets, ta-ta.
Felix, baby, I love you!
You just overcooked us
into one hell of a night.
Get the ice bucket.
I got the wine.
I'm not going.
I said I'm not going.
Are you out of your mind?
You know what's
waiting for us up there?
You've just been invited
to spend the evening
in a two-bedroom hothouse
with the Coo-coo Pigeon Sisters.
What do you mean you're not going?
I've nothing left to say to them.
I already told them
about my brother in Buffalo.
Felix, they are crazy about you.
I'm telling you, they told me.
One of them wants to wrap you up
and make a bundle out of you.
You're doing better than I am.
Don't you understand?
I cried in front of two women.
They loved it.
I'm thinking of getting hysterical.
Don't you see?
I'm still emotionally tied
to Frances
and the kids.
I'm going to scrub the pots
and wash my hair.
Your pots and your hair can wait.
You're coming upstairs with me.
I'm not going.
What am I going to do up there
with two girls?
Felix, if I miss this opportunity,
I'll never forgive you.
You're not going to
make any effort to change?
This is the person
you're going to be
until the day you die?
We are what we are.
It's 12 floors... not 11!
Hello, sports fans.
Speculation is running high
among Yankee followers
as to the possibility
of trading away
the great right-hander
Hank Moonjean
for three unknown young players
and an undetermined
amount of cash.
Moonjean has racked up 10 wins
against only 3 losses
so far this year,
which is, incidentally,
high for both leagues.
It looks to this reporter
that the Yankee office
will be bombarded
by many protests...
How long will this go on?
You talking to me?
Yeah, I'm talking to you.
What do you want to know?
I want to know if you'll spend
the rest of your life
not talking to me.
You had your chance
to talk last night.
I begged you to come
upstairs with me.
Here. Here's a key
to the back door.
You stick to the hallway
and your room,
and you won't get hurt.
Meaning what?
If you want to live here,
I don't want to see you,
I don't want to hear you,
I don't want to smell your cooking.
Kindly remove that spaghetti
from my poker table.
What the hell is so funny?
It's not spaghetti.
It's linguini.
Now it's garbage.
You're crazy.
I'm a neurotic nut,
but you're crazy.
That's really funny
coming from a fruitcake like you.
I'm not cleaning that up.
Is that a promise?
Did you hear what I said?
I'm not cleaning that up.
That's your mess. Look at it.
It's hanging all over the wall.
I like it.
You'd just let it hang there,
wouldn't you?
Just let it hang
until it got all
hard and brown and...
It's disgusting.
Well, I'm cleaning it.
Leave that alone.
You leave that alone.
You touch one strand
of that linguini,
and I'm going to punch you
right in your sinuses.
Hey, Oscar, come on, now.
Now, listen,
why don't you just
take a tranquilizer?
Go to your room.
I said go to your room.
Let's just all settle down.
I'm warning you, Felix.
You want to live
through this night,
you better keep
this door locked
and lock your windows, too.
All right, Oscar.
I'd like to know what's happened.
What's happened?
Something made you
go off the deep end.
Is it something I said
or something I did?
Nothing you said.
Don't start me, Felix.
Is it the cooking
or the cleaning? The crying?
I can tell you
exactly what it is.
It's the cooking,
the cleaning, the crying.
It's the talking in your sleep.
It's those moose calls
that open your ears
at 2:00 in the morning.
I can't take it anymore, Felix.
I'm cracking up.
Everything you do irritates me,
and when you're not here,
the things you'll do
when you come in irritate me.
You leave me little notes
on my pillow.
I've told you 158 times
I cannot stand little notes
on my pillow.
"We are all out
of cornflakes. F.U."
Took me three hours
to figure out
that F.U. was Felix Ungar.
It's not your fault, Felix.
It's a rotten combination,
that's all.
Yeah. I get the picture.
I haven't even
painted the picture yet.
I got a typewritten
list in my office
of the 10 most
aggravating things you do
that drive me berserk,
but last night was the topper.
Oh, brother, that was the topper.
That was the ever-loving
lulu of all times.
I had it all set up
with that English Betty Boop
and her sister,
and I wind up drinking tea
and telling them
your life story.
I warned you
not to make that date
in the first place.
Don't point that finger at me
unless you intend to use it.
Get off of my back, Oscar!
What's this?
A display of temper?
I haven't seen you
really angry
since the day
I dropped my cigar
in your pancake batter.
Oscar, you're asking
to hear something
I don't want to say,
but if I do say it,
I think you ought to hear it.
You got anything on your chest
besides your chin,
you better get it off.
All right!
Then you asked for it!
You're a wonderful guy, Oscar.
You've done everything for me.
If it weren't for you,
I don't know what
would have happened.
You gave me
a place to live
and something
to live for.
I'm never going to
forget you for that, Oscar.
You're tops with me.
If I've just been told off,
I think I may have missed it.
It's coming.
You are also one of
the biggest slobs
in the world.
I see.
Totally unreliable, undependable,
and irresponsible.
Keep going. I think you're hot.
No. That's it.
You've been told off.
How do you like that?
Good. Good!
Because now...
I'm going to tell you off.
For six months,
I've lived alone
in this apartment...
all alone in eight big rooms.
I was dejected, despondent,
and disgusted,
and then you moved in...
my closest and dearest friend.
And after three weeks
of close personal contact,
I'm about to have
a nervous breakdown.
Do me a favor, will you, Felix?
Move into the kitchen.
Live with your pots, pans,
ladles, meat thermometers.
When you want to come out,
just ring a bell,
and I'll run into the bedroom.
I'm asking you nicely, Felix,
as a friend...
Stay out of my way.
Walk on the paper, will you?
I washed the floor in there.
Hey, stay away from me, Oscar.
Oscar! Oscar,
stay away from me!
This is the day
I'm going to kill you.
No! Oscar!
You hit me,
you've got yourself
one sweet lawsuit!
Those dogs should be on a leash.
Oscar, can I speak to you calmly?
First you'll bleed. Then we'll talk.
I got you now, Felix.
There's no place
for you to go but down.
Are you out of your mind?
If you want to fight,
let's go to the living room.
I don't want you
in my living room.
I don't want you
in my bathroom, my kitchen,
my hall, or my building.
I don't want you at all.
It's over, Felix...
the whole marriage.
We're getting an annulment.
I don't want to live with
you anymore!
I want you to
pack your things and get out!
You mean actually move out?
Actually, physically, immediately.
You mean move out this minute?
Yes. If you can do it sooner,
I'd appreciate it.
You know, I've got a good mind
to really leave.
Why doesn't he hear me?
I know I'm talking.
I recognize my voice.
If you really want
me to go, I'll go.
Then go!
I want you to go, so go!
When are you going?
You're in a bigger hurry
than Frances was.
Take as much time
as she gave you.
I want you to follow
your usual routine.
In other words,
you're throwing me out.
Not in other words.
Those are the perfect ones!
All right. I just wanted
to get the record straight.
Let it be on your conscience.
Let what be on my conscience?
I'm perfectly willing to stay here
and clear the air
of our differences,
but you refuse, right?
Right. I'm tired
of you clearing the air.
That's why I want you to leave.
Remember, what happens to me
is your responsibility.
Let it be on your head.
Let what be on my head?
Why can't you get thrown out
like a decent human being?
Let what be on my head?
I'm leaving now
according to your wishes and desires.
Either I'll come back
and get the rest of my clothes,
or someone else will.
You are not going anyplace
until you take it back.
Take what back?
"Let it be on your head."
What the hell is that?
The curse of the cat people?
I can't leave if you're
blocking the door.
Is this how you left
that night with Frances?
No wonder she wanted
your room repainted.
I'll have yours dipped in bronze.
Would you get out
of the way, please?
Uh, where will you go?
Oh, come on, Oscar.
You're not really
interested, are you?
All right, Felix, you win.
We'll try to
iron it out.
Come back, Felix.
Felix, come back!
Don't leave me like this!
I'm telling you,
I'm worried.
I know Felix.
He'll try something crazy.
You mean, you just
threw him out?
That's right. I threw him out.
It was my decision.
Let it be on my head.
Let what be on your head?
I don't know.
Felix put it there. Ask him.
He's out there somewhere.
He was driving us
crazy with his napkins
and his ashtrays.
All of you said so.
We didn't say kick him out, Oscar.
I did it for us!
Yes. Do you know
what he was planning
for next Friday night's poker game
as a change of pace?
A luau. A Hawaian luau...
roast pork, fried rice, spare ribs.
They don't play
poker like that in Honolulu.
He's out there alone.
I'm really worried.
Why don't we
start looking? Come on.
How are we going to find him?
It's a big city.
We'll look for a guy
with a suitcase
who's crying.
Come on.
They won't like this
at the station.
You're not supposed to look
for a missing person
with a missing car.
So take it out of my taxes.
We'll try his apartment first.
Frances hasn't heard from him
since he called to get her recipe
for meat loaf.
Where to now?
Cruise along Riverside Drive.
This is crazy, Oscar.
Why don't we call the cops?
Drive the car.
Hey, what are you doing, Murray?
Off-duty arrest.
Caught them gambling.
We already combed
the whole west side.
Why don't we go back
and wait to hear something?
Because I'm afraid
we'll hear something.
The poor guy.
Will you stop saying
"The poor guy"?
What about me?
I got this curse on my head.
Let's go back, Oscar.
He'll show up.
He'll kill himself
just to spite me.
Then his ghost will follow me
around the apartment,
haunting and cleaning,
haunting and cleaning,
haunting and cleaning.
Come on, Oscar.
Play a few hands.
It will take your mind off Felix.
Stop mentioning his name.
I know what you're
all thinking,
but you're wrong.
It's his fault... not mine.
He shouldn't have moved in here
in the first place.
He should have stayed with Blanche.
Why should he?
Because it's his wife.
No. Blanche is your wife.
His wife is Frances.
What are you...
some kind of wise guy?
The game is over. Give me my cards.
I don't want to play anymore.
I won't worry about him.
He's not worrying about me.
He's in the streets somewhere
crying and sulking
and having a wonderful time.
I think I smell spaghetti.
It's linguini.
Don't you care
what happens to Felix?
Thought you weren't worried.
I'm not worried, damn it.
That's him. I'll bet that's him.
Open the door.
Everybody play cards
like nothing happened.
Just deal them out.
OK, open the door.
How do you do?
Hello there, Cecily.
Please, gentlemen, don't stand up.
May I see you
for a moment, Mr. Madison?
Certainly. Certainly, Gwendolyn.
What's the matter?
I think you know.
I've come for Felix's things.
You mean my Felix?
Oh, yes. Yes. Felix Ungar...
that sweet, tortured man
who's in my flat at this moment
pouring his heart
out to my sister.
Gwen, Felix doesn't want to stay.
Please tell him to stay.
Please, girls, this is embarrassing.
I can go to a hotel.
Nonsense. There's plenty
of room on the sofa.
I'll be in the way.
How could you possibly
be in anyone's way?
Want to see
a typewritten list?
Haven't you said enough already?
Please. Please.
Just for a few days?
Until you get settled.
Please, say yes.
We'd be so happy.
Well, maybe just for a few days.
Oh, that's marvelous!
Get the rest of your things.
We'll go and clean the house.
And cook dinner.
It will be nice to have a man
about the house again.
Good night, gentlemen.
Sorry to interrupt
your bridge game.
- Ta-ta!
- Ta-ta!
I told you it's always
the quiet guys.
Gee. What nice girls.
Hey, Felix,
are you really going to
move in with them?
Just for a couple of days
until I can get my own pad.
Aren't you going
to thank me, Felix?
For what?
The two greatest
things I've done for you...
taking you in, throwing you out.
Oscar, you're right.
Getting thrown out
twice is enough.
In gratitude, I remove the curse.
Bless you and thank you,
Wicked Witch of the North.
Probably the girls.
They hate it when I'm late.
It's your wife.
Oh. Um, do me a favor, Murray.
Tell her I can't
talk to her right now.
Tell her I'll call her
in a couple of days
because we have
a lot to talk about.
Tell her if I sound
different to her,
it's because I'm not the same man
she threw out three weeks ago.
Just tell her that, Murray.
I will when I see her.
This is Oscar's wife.
Hello, Blanche.
I got a good idea
why you're calling.
You got my checks, right?
So now we're all even up?
No, I haven't been
winning at the track.
I've just been
eating home a lot lately.
You don't have to
thank me, Blanche.
I'm just doing what's right.
That's very nice of you, too.
Well, good night, Mr. Madison.
You need any heavy cleaning,
I get $1 .50 an hour.
Yeah. Yeah. OK, right.
Talk to you tomorrow night.
Kiss the kids for me, will you?
Good night, Blanche.
Felix, what about
next Friday night?
You won't break up the poker game?
Me? Never!
Marriage may come and go,
but the game must go on.
So long, Frances.
So long, Blanche.
Well, are we just
going to sit around,
or are we going to play poker?
Let's play.
Hey, boys, boys, boys,
let's watch the cigarette butts, shall we?
This is my house... not a pigsty.
Ante a quarter, fellas.