Office Race (2023) Movie Script

I got the big beat
My name's Pat
Cassidy. I'm a runner.
I used to be normal.
Now I own a neon vest.
My toenails are dead,
dying or just plain gone.
And sometimes I
grease my nipples.
Tomorrow, I'm running
my first marathon.
Nice outfit, jerkoff!
26.2 miles. Ugh,
how did I get here?
And can you see my
junk in these shorts?
All good questions.
- Oh!
- Wake the fuck up.
Good morning.
The farting goat!
It's a farting goat!
Oh, my God.
- Later, Pat.
- I love you.
Love you.
- Mwah.
- Mwah.
Party people in
the place to be
It's about that time
Yeah, uh-huh
Yeah, what you know about...
I covered you at the client
dinner last night, Pat.
We signed them.
Oh, right. Thanks.
Totally spaced.
No worries. I actually...
I was able to reschedule
- my ultrasound, so...
- Perfect.
Yeah. Can you send over the
deal memo, though, like asap?
- On it.
- Thank you.
"Farting... goat...
long version..."
Hey, Pat.
Hi, Olivia.
- How was date night?
- Uh, Pat had to work late.
- You Pat or girlfriend Pat?
- Girlfriend Pat.
I never refer to myself in
the third person or work late.
You should know that about me.
Work-life balance
is so important.
What do you want, Olivia?
Okay, so you know how sad it is
that some dogs don't have homes?
- You hate animals.
- Okay, yeah, but that's why
I'm raising money to get those
stinky mongrels off the street
by running a half marathon
in gay Paris, baby.
Gimme money, gimme money.
So you want me to pay
for your vacation?
Oui, oui. If I raise enough
cash the charity will pay for
my hotel, aka Chez Nasty,
'cause you know those fit freaks
are gonna be all hopped up on
endorphins and lookin' to bone.
Sure, yeah. I'll help pay for
Chez Nasty. Send me the link.
But only because I
love that money dance.
Gimme money,
mm Gimme money
- That's good.
- Hola, amigos!
Hey, Spencer.
- Tight outfit.
- Thanks very much.
I mean, it's a little
embarrassing because, uh,
well, the rainbow
motto was last weekend,
and it's just a barefoot
10K through swampland,
climbing ropes and
solving puzzles,
but I'm doing the
zero waste thing,
so I haven't washed these
puppies. I smell good.
I bet you do.
Yeah, There's definitely
a smell. 10K? Damn.
- What is that? Like, 2 miles?
- Closer to 6.2 exactly.
But I double back for
teammates, so who really knows?
Yeah, no way to
keep track of that.
Well, the chalk really
brings out the definition
- in your quads, so...
- Thank you, Olivia.
I mean, what about you?
What do you do, like,
100 burpees before breakfast?
Who's your trainer?
Don't think you're allowed
to say that in an office.
- He can.
- Later, Olive Oyl.
All right. Well, this was
awesome. Thanks for stopping by.
You gotta recycle your
knick-knacks, paddywhack.
We've only got one Mother Earth.
And where I come from,
every day is Mother's Day.
We good?
Oh... Yeah.
- We good.
- Boom.
Jesus. Dude.
Yo, Dave!
What's up, baby?
Oh, you know, just living my
life a quarter mile at a time.
Ha ha, my man! Speaking of,
there's a Tokyo Drift matinee
Sunday at the Avalon. You in?
Perfect. Pat's
working this weekend.
- I'll grab us seats.
- Great.
Get a real job, meter maid!
Why don't you get a real
car, Uncle Phil? Huh?
How you fit Carlton, Ashley
and Will in this motherfucker?
Who you flexin' at, huh?
Yeah, take your
ticket and go on.
Pay more attention to the signs
in your community, jackass!
Hey, Pataroni Pizza!
Liz wants to see
us in her office.
Great. One sec. Gotta
run. Boss wants to chat,
but thanks for grabbing tickets.
Set for Sunday, friendo.
Hey, I don't have friends.
- I got family!
- I got family!
First off, TGIF.
TGIF! TGIF! Yeah! Yeah, yeah!
- To you as well.
- I'm gonna get right to it.
I spoke to corporate today and
they are relocating me to NYC
to be the new SVP
of national HQ.
- Congratulations! All right!
- I'm very happy for you.
Thank you. But now I need
to name a replacement
for head of sales.
And I'm stuck between two
rock stars and a hard place.
But I thought long
and hard about it.
Spencer's getting the promotion.
- What?
- Oh, Pat!
Don't forget, you two have
client drinks tonight.
Big ad buy on the table.
I know I can count
on you, Spence.
Uh, I'm sorry. Why
am I even here?
Spencer, do you mind
giving us a second?
No. Sure thing, Boss.
I'm good. Thanks.
Pat, I understand how
this could be difficult
seeing how Spencer
used to report to you.
But I want you to know
that you are a valuable...
Uh, screw it. Uh, I cannot
stand working with you.
- Oh.
- Whoo, that felt so good
to get off my chest.
Yeah, Pat, I mean, gah,
you are a mediocre
employee at best.
You're generally going nowhere.
And your career
path is like this.
Do you understand what this is?
Yeah. No, I get it. I think
I understand. Thank you.
Yeah. No heart. No
commitment. All fuck-up.
Hmm, I feel like you don't
need to tell me that.
I wanted to fire you
today. I really did.
But then I got promoted.
And now you're
Spencer's problem. Ha!
Look, Pat, if you want to keep
this job, here's some advice
from a woman who
could not care less.
Land this deal
tonight. Capiche?
I capiche.
Hmm. Oh, yeah. Get
it, yeah. Get it.
Yeah, get it. Hmm. Oh, yeah.
Hey, Patio Furniture. I
just wanna let you know
that my promotion
doesn't change anything.
You're still my brother, bro.
Actually, it directly changes
everything between us.
- You're my boss now.
- No, we're family.
And every day is Thanksgiving.
I love you, Squanto.
I'm not comfortable
with that nickname.
Knew it was bad when
it left my lips.
Let's just go in there
and lock this deal down.
That's my guy. And it won't take
long because I just matched with
the girl who wants
to meet at midnight.
So don't wanna turn into a
pumpkin, Patajowea. Ah, ah.
Thought I stumbled on to one.
All right, let's go sling some
- ads like the old days, okay?
- Yeah.
Remember, absolutely
nothing has changed.
Hi! Spencer Duley, senior
manager of sales at Aardvark.
Hey, Rita Green.
Green Built Energy.
And this is my second in
command. Oh, hey, Pat Cassidy.
There you are, buddy.
Hi... Whoa. We got
ourselves a wet noodle here.
No, thank you.
- Sorry, sorry. I'm Pat.
- Hi.
- Let's sit!
- Yeah, great.
I'm not sorry that I am Pat. I'm
just sorry about the handshake.
So that is Aardvark. It is a
peer-to-peer money lending app,
but the money in your
account earns interest.
And that's a whole
lot of cheddar.
Child of the 90s.
I'm just trying.
I'm just having fun.
See all this prime ad
space? This could all say
Green Built Energy.
So are you ready to unleash
your money with Aardvark?
Look, I like it, but I try
to focus our advertising on
platforms that I have a personal
connection with, you know?
Oh, Hondo P. Yeah, it's all
about personal connections.
I mean, just the other
day I was with my squad
doing a training run for
the Sweet Peach Marathon.
What? I'm running
the Sweet Peach.
What? Ah!
What? Ah!
- Pat, do you run?
- Nah, it's kind of boring.
Yeah. You know, Pat's
more of an indoor cat.
He's the perfect sidekick.
The number one number
two of all time.
I mean, if I have to do a
quick tempo run at lunch...
I get it.
I know that Pat is gonna
be holding down his desk
going nowhere.
Pat, you're going nowhere.
- Yeah, I'm running the marathon.
- What?
-Well, I thought... Sorry, didn't
you just say you don't run?
I did say I don't run
previously, but I do run now
because I just signed up for
the Sweet Peach Marathon.
Well, that's amazing. Open
registration closed months ago.
So you must be
running for charity!
- Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I am.
- Yeah.
What charity?
- Cancer.
- Cancer? Awesome!
Which organization? Susan
G. Komen, Mediviver,
- Breastfeet Forward?
- Breastfeet Forward.
What? No way! Me
too! Look! Look!
- Yeah, that's the one.
- Oh, I love breast cancer!
I'm doing the prostate.
All good causes!
- Yes!
- Yeah!
Hell yeah! Oh!
Pat, you gotta come on our
next team run. They are so fun.
- Nah, I'm good.
- Oh, you gotta go!
You gotta.
- Yeah. I gotta go.
- Sick. Tomorrow morning.
Forsythe Park, 6:00 AM.
Gotta beat the heat.
Kill me, kill me, kill me...
- Hey, there he is.
- Hey.
Wow, nice outfit.
Very fluorescent.
Thank you.
You'll get there.
Okay, come on.
Let's go meet the
rest of the team.
Whoa! She really
loves running.
Hey, Kiki. This is Pat.
Oh, my gosh. New friend? It's
so nice to meet you, Pat.
You're serving me gym
class chic right now.
Oh, thanks. I was starting to
feel like maybe I dressed wrong.
- Hey!
- Whoa. Hey.
Harry Hays, man,
good to meet you.
Yeah, you too.
Yeah. Welcome. Whoa.
- What is happening?
- So they are a couple.
It's best to just give
them a little space.
Anyway, I wanted to ask you,
how did you get into this great
- sport of running, huh?
- Oh, you know...
Oh! Running is a sport
together. Really.
Running is for children and
people who can't hold their pee.
You want a real sport?
Try race walking. That's
a real sport right there.
Heel, toe. Heel, toe, heel, toe.
Your feet never
leave the ground.
That's a real thrill!
All right, baby?
Save it, Harry. No one
cares about your fake sport.
Why should I learn
how to run slow?
I already know how to run slow.
I want to learn how to run fast.
Don is gonna be leading a blind
runner through the marathon.
The proper nomenclature
is differently abled.
Actually, I think blind is
okay. Or visually impaired.
How would you know? You
sighted son of a bitch.
I think it's just...
Babe, you forget your password
again? It's all fives.
No, I know my password. It's
just this Breastfeet Forward app
is driving me crazy. My sister's
been trying to make a donation
for the last hour. And
it keeps crashing on her.
You know what? Maybe it's
time to unleash your Aardvark.
What the fuck did you say to me?
- No. Sorry.
- You wanna see my dick?
What? No, I don't
know. It's Aardvark.
It's the money transfer app
I work for. I could set up
an account for our donations,
and since it earns interest,
it's just a way to put all
our fundraising on autopilot.
And that's a whole lot
of... It's more money.
- Dick?
- No, it's just more money.
Well, I love using
tech to get an edge.
Pat, I proudly
appoint you treasurer
of Team Breastfeet Forward.
Okay, let's get a move on.
- More responsibility.
- See you in a minute.
- Congrats.
- Thank you.
Baby, this dude
tried to see my aardvark.
Hey, hold up. Hold,
hold. Let's move.
- Coming through, meatball.
- Oh. Ouch.
And away we go.
Where am I?
We're in the hospital.
You hit me with your car.
And then you fainted.
- Hello, Mr. Cassidy?
- Yeah, right here.
I'm Mr. Cassidy.
Uh, you...
He probably has a concussion
or he's senile. We'll see.
- Anyway, hi, Pat.
- Hi.
- Hey, Rita.
- Hi, Julie. Sorry, Dr. Hall.
We missed you on the
run this morning.
We missed you on the
run this morning.
- Julie's on our team, too.
- It's true. I was bummed when
I had to cover this shift,
but now I feel like
I didn't miss much.
Glad I could help. Am I dying?
Wait. Really?
No, you're fine.
No, you're fine. You're fine.
She got you so good!
Your testosterone is low.
Abdominal fat is high.
Why'd they test for that?
But no broken bones or internal
bleeding, so you can go.
- Great.
- Well, no, I'm sorry.
I got hit by a car. It hurts.
Oh, I bet it hurts.
Cars are made of metal.
- Right.
- Maybe next time you're running,
try listening to your
headphones at a moderate level.
- That's a real rookie move.
- Yeah.
Oh, God. So it's my fault?
Um, well, okay. I'm sorry.
Could I just... Could
I get some drugs maybe?
Oh, I've got just the thing.
We're going to go with one
pair of real running shoes.
- That's not what I meant.
- Multiple athletic shirts.
That's not pills.
- And modern shorts.
- You're confused.
See you two at
the next team run.
Okay. I'll just
leave with nothing.
Dude, running sucks. I
ran one time. It sucked.
Yeah, you're not wrong. At
least it's for a good cause.
- What's the cause?
- Keeping my job.
I meant what cancer?
Isn't there only
one kind of cancer?
And it just shows up in
different parts of your body?
That sounds entirely
wrong. I'm not a scientist,
but I'm sure the scientists
are just sharing notes.
Yeah, like peer reviews and
shit, and it's all on one
big health database. I
mean, it's gotta be illegal
to not share cancer
notes, right?
Mm-hmm. And if they
don't share it,
they violating the hippo laws.
So this is all just
to impress a client?
Yep. And I gotta practice
almost every morning.
- It's nice knowing you.
- What are you talking about?
You still down for Tokyo
Drift in the morning?
Shit! Stop it. You know I
don't even like running, man.
I'm just doing it to
win this stupid account,
and get Spencer off my ass.
And then we'll be right back
to breakfast burritos
and B-movie matinees.
- B movies?
- Oh, no, I...
Look, I didn't mean
it like that, man.
Patrick, have you been watching
Fast and Furious ironically?
No, man. I mean, like, I think
they're good, but not like...
I don't even know who
you are anymore, dawg.
I think you should
probably leave.
Dave, come on, man.
I don't have friends.
Right now, I don't either.
- You wanna watch Fast Five?
- Yay! And eat pizza bagels?
He said he was
fine when I left,
but I've just never seen
Dave so upset, you know?
Yeah, I know.
I wish I never joined
this stupid running team
- in the first place.
- Totally.
Maybe I should just quit
the team, quit my job
- and do what I love.
- Hmm. I know.
Like, you know, doing bath salts
just to see what all
the fuss is about.
Follow your bliss.
- Pat.
- Huh?
I'm trying to sort
some stuff out here.
And I feel like you're
being completely distant.
I mean, come on.
I need your help.
What should I do?
Well, I mean, it's not
like you have any hobbies
or anything you're
really interested in,
so I guess I'm just wondering,
like, what would you do?
I have hobbies. I drive.
- That's not a hobby.
- What does that even mean?
We're adults. What
are your hobbies?
Book club, yoga, trading crypto.
When did you join a book club?
No one reads Infinite
Jest for fun, Pat.
Pat, why am I being yelled at?
I'm the one who
got hit by a car.
You got hit by a car?
He's expected
to recover fully
and should be able to help
police with information.
And which healthy habit
might be killing you?
Tonight at 11:00.
You worked all day
Not a comfortable life
Nine-to-five job
with no end in sight
Hit the ground running
and don't back down
Make a commitment
Turn it around
You're the best
You're the bomb
You're awesome Yeah, yeah
Rita, I gotta say, I think
you're going to just love the
Aardvark interface. The
ads are finna to pop off.
Thank you, Pat. But, you
know, I get pitched all week,
so I kind of use these
runs to disconnect.
- But I love the hustle, though.
- You got it.
Get your run on. You go, girl.
- How you holdin' up, rook?
- I've been better.
My feet are really achy. I'm
chafing pretty bad all over.
My feet are really achy. I'm
chafing pretty bad all over.
- And my uh...
- Nipples hurt?
Yes. Oh, my God. Yes. Why?
- Oh!
- Doing all right, hun?
I'm gonna need to hit
the toilet up ahead.
Alas, the park
bathroom is closed.
Drifters were
cranking it in there.
Okay, I guess it's
the woods for me then.
Wipe with a sock, okay? Dry
leaves are not your friend.
No, these socks, they're
state of the art.
- Good luck.
- Oh God...
Hey, you're gettin' it.
Yeah, kid. That's it.
Now, you're race walking.
Huh? Heel, toe, heel, toe.
Okay. I'm done.
I tell you, this thing
gets so deep in the hip,
you want to at least
propose to it. You know?
How was the rest of your
run, rook? How're feelin'?
Everything hurts.
- Oh!
- Oh, my God!
- What?
- What? The high beam?
Those are some
angry, angry nipples.
Is that normal?
All the blood went to
your nipples. It's crazy.
I can't stop looking.
They really hurt. I
can't keep my shirt on.
Ah, the wind kind of
hurts, too. Ah, yeah. Oh.
Will you look at this
Navy SEAL shit right here.
Oh, fuck me.
Rita, Pat in the Hat!
What are the chances?
You seal the deal yet, buddy?
Just kidding. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
What are you doing
here? You animal!
Just training for the marathon
the only way we know how...
By doing a triathlon.
Whoa! Is
that Nitro Venom?
Didn't some Olympians
get banned for that?
Nah. Well, yeah,
but, you know,
the FDA says they're gonna
approve the new recipe.
Oh, my God! Patmandu,
are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks, Spencer.
Enjoy your run, bike, swim.
Hey, I was just thinking during
my 2.4 miles in the water,
we should put a friendly
wager on the marathon.
Loser pays $100 to
the winner's charity.
No, I'm good. I think I
know who'd win that bet.
Oh, come on, Pat.
It's all for charity.
Sure. A hundred
bucks? Why not?
I'd probably blow that money
on student loans anyway.
Terrific. Oh, you were
touching that. You know what?
Let's do a verbal handshake.
Those jelly donuts could use
some ointment glaze A-S-A-Pat.
- To the bikes!
- Later!
Okay, so who was that monster?
That's my boss.
He used the word "ointment"
like it's no big deal.
I don't even write the word
when it's medically necessary.
I-I hate him.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, and he's
ugly, too, right?
He's got the body of,
like, a weasel or a mink.
All right, lobster
nips, my old track coach
owns a running store. Time
to get you some proper gear.
Great. He's gonna
help me with these?
Uh, wait, running
gear? I've got...
I'm gonna come. I'm coming.
Oh, hey, Google.
Put two-ply running socks
on my shopping list.
Fresh rubber? Oh, heaven.
Whoa. It smells
like shit in here.
Coach B!
Julie Hall. My goodness.
It's been a lifetime.
Bring it in. Bring
it in. Bring it in.
- Ah, ah, there we go!
- Watch it, watch it!
- Bring it!
- Tying it up!
And he's still got it!
- Are you still running?
- I'm still running.
Yeah! I got the Sweet
Peach coming up.
How about you? How's the knee?
Oh, I'm chugging along. I
got this one replaced in July
like you was after me to do.
And then this one in June.
- And both hips as well.
- No kidding?
Yeah, running's a
hell of a sport.
Jesus Christ.
And who is this blaspheming
little hush puppy?
This is my teammate, Pat.
And he's in need of, well...
- Everything.
- Except metal in my body.
Sorry. No offense.
I love your legs.
No offense taken. Come on,
Pat. Let's get you on the rack.
Come on.
These feel good? I don't know.
What are they
supposed to feel like?
The running part still sucks.
You obviously pronate, buddy.
And that is a neutral shoe.
You are begging
for shin splints.
Aiden was the finest high
school athlete in the lower 48.
The LeBron James of
distance running.
Til the damn hip pointer
derailed his career,
but he's healed up now. He's
gonna reclaim his throne.
Aiden, fetch me the A6 gel
kind in a six and a half.
I'm a 10.
Sorry. Lost all my
rods and cones running.
You got potential.
Yeah. You gotta stop
rear foot running
and waving your arms around
like a flipping orangutan.
Listen, land on your midsole
and hinge your body forward
like you're a private dancer.
Like you're a private dancer.
Dancer for money.
Do what I want you to do
It's getting a little intimate.
Try not to hurt yourself
out there, El Garooge.
All right. You don't
need to be such a dick.
I'm just trying to buy a pair
of running shoes from you.
Whoa! $180?
Better to hurt your
bankroll than your body.
I once saw a man
break both his ankles
'cause he was wearing the wrong
trainers. That man was me.
1986, Boston Marathon, mile one.
I still finished.
Oh, I love those shoes.
I wish I pronated.
Coach, do you sell pocket saws
in case I fall down a crevasse
and have to, you know, like...
Aisle six.
No, still sore.
- Hi, friend! Happy Monday.
- Yeah.
- How'd it go this morning?
- Oh, good. I've been loving it.
It's been going really
good. I love running.
Baloney. I talked to Rita
and she mentioned you
weren't on the team run.
What's up with that?
Look, Spencer, I'm
sorry, man. It's a lot.
Every morning running, like,
I don't know if it's really...
Pat, the Green Built
deal is a major deal
and you're an
ambassador for Aardvark,
so when you blow off Rita,
you blow off the deal.
And then you blow
me off by proxy.
And I don't get blown off.
- I do the blowing.
- Basement flooded.
And when I blow,
things get messy.
Well, this deal's
my top priority
and I'll be there bright
and early tomorrow.
No, there's a special
run this evening.
Another run today? Great.
Okay, fine. I'll be there.
All right. That's my guy.
Remember, it's all about
personal connections,
Pat Thai with chicken.
- Okay. Get in here.
- Oh, no!
- Get in here!
- Oh, no.
- Excuse me.
- Ho!
How was that? Did you love it?
- Tell me everything.
- I can't talk about it.
Oh, look who decided to
finally dress the part.
Hey, lookin' good, Pat!
Yeah, thanks. I feel
like these things
don't really do that much.
- It's a lot of thigh.
- Yeah. Thank you.
Look, I'm so sorry about
missing practice this morning.
I don't know what
happened. I just...
Relax, rook. We just
figured you took an off day.
Yeah, it's no biggie.
I mean, we're all here
because we wanna be here. And
if you want to be here too,
- that's great.
- Bueno.
Oh, great. Awesome.
- What's with the beers?
- Lane one coming through!
Whoa! Jesus.
It's beer mile, baby.
Uh, okay. What's beer mile?
Oh, it's a team tradition. Not
really helpful for training,
and you'll probably throw
up, but it's really fun.
Oh, great. Well, that
shouldn't be a problem.
My gag reflex was
legendary in college.
I was really good at the...
Oh, what's that thing called?
You know, you take two hands,
and it's a big tube, and
you put it in your mouth
when you're like.
You know, you make that
noise just like,.
It's the oh, beer bong.
- Oh.
- No, I've never done that.
It looks more like a dick to me.
Um, so anyway, how do you play?
Well, you drink a beer,
then you run a lap.
And you do that four
times. Beer mile.
But if you puke or if
you spill your beer,
- you gotta take a penalty lap.
- Mm-hmm. And Rita will puke.
Oh, one hundred percent, but
I freakin' love this night!
- Huh? Whoo!
- Let's go!
Hey, so word to the
wise, just pace yourself.
Look, I may be a novice runner,
but I'm a veteran drinker.
Oh, nice, bruh.
Harry, let's do this.
All right, milers.
Take your marks.
Get set, and while you
beer heathens are running,
I'm gonna have myself a nice
smoky glass of white zinfandel
from the Meadowlands
of New Jersey.
Start the damn race, Harry!
Get 'em, baby!
This is the worst thing
I've ever done in my life.
Fifty-six seconds!
Damn, Donny!
it feeling, rook?
Ugh, awful.
I think there's
beer in my lungs.
Mm, it'll get worse.
Body Check!
Take on me
Take on me
Take me on
I love this team!
Jesus, Kiki.
- Running's a contact sport.
- No, it's not
Sweet Jesus Donny, you wanna
pay somebody for a beer mile?
Are you okay?
Worry about yourself, noob.
Go, Donny! Go, Donny! 4:24!
You set the world record!
Yeah, I did. But keep
it off social media.
I wanna be known for my poetry.
Take on me
Penalty lap! Penalty lap!
He spilled some beer!
Tell him he has to do a
penalty lap, I saw it!
Oh, come on!
Those are the rules.
There was like
none left in there.
Catch me if you can, Tom Petty!
Go Kiki, push!
Go Kik... Yeah!!!
Really a good race. Pat,
way to push through.
Penalty lap, penalty beer.
Go. You got this. Oh.
Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat!
Whoa. Uh-oh.
Keep it down, big
boy. Man up, baby.
That's not good.
That's not good.
Um, you're good.
No penalty lap.
Yeah, you're good.
Man up. Man up.
Okay. Okay.
Pat, Pat, Pat.
Hey, thanks again for the ride.
Well, that's the upside
of puking immediately.
I'm sober enough to
drive my friends home.
What up?
Yeah, outside of
all the vomiting.
I had a lot of fun tonight.
Yeah, runners are masochists.
Welcome to the club.
Thanks. Um, see y'all tomorrow?
- Hell, yeah.
- Absolutely.
- Awesome. Goodnight.
- Goodnight!
- Bye, Pat!
- Later!
Drive safe.
Oh, Rita!
I'm sorry. It's the stickers.
I swear I'm not drunk.
Sorry! I just have
to get them home.
Hey, babe. What you makin'?
You two know each other?
- He's my boss.
- He's my best friend.
Wait. Were you going
down on her from behind?
- Look, I know she's your sister.
- Sister?
- She's my girlfriend!
- Girlfriend?
But you guys look so much alike.
- What?
- And you have the same name.
Why would parents give
their kids the same name?
- My sister's name is Spencer.
- Wait, your sister's name is...
How long has this been going on?
I don't know. Since
I joined book club.
Oh, just like five minutes.
I knew book club was bullshit.
Wait, five minutes in and you're
already going down on her butt?
- Well, she ate my butt first.
- Oh, my God. Don't tell me that!
You know, I should go.
Yeah. I think
that's a good idea.
To the little boys room.
Okay, man.
Yeah, I can't risk
getting another UTI.
Right? Once you get one of those
you keep getting them
over and over, so uh,
where is it?
Where is it?
- Down the hall to the right.
- I see it.
Pat, I was gonna tell you.
I didn't know he was your boss!
No, no, no! It's my leg!
- Oh my God, what is that?
- I don't know!
are you hitting me?
I don't know! I'm
trying to kill it!
It is me!
Pat, don't do it! Don't
do it! Don't do it!
Don't resort to violence, man!
Get off me. It's my leg.
Muscle spasm.
You're dehydrated.
Sister Pat, water!
Not his sister!
Okay. Here we go.
Okay. I'm gonna stretch
you out a little bit.
This could hurt a bit.
Why does your dick
look like that?
Deep breath in. Ready?
- Are you okay?
- I don't wanna talk about it.
All right. Let me just
say this one thing.
I-I should have just
broken up with you
and not put you
through all that.
- I'm so, so sorry, Pat.
- Pat.
Pat, let me finish. I think that
at some point you just stopped
working at our relationship.
And I did, too.
So what, are you, like, in a
relationship with Spencer now?
No. No, honestly, I don't
wanna date anyone right now.
And I had no idea
he was your boss.
I mean, the way you spoke about
him, I always pictured him
much less defined, physically.
Please stop. That's
fine. That's enough.
Look, you don't
have to move out.
Of course not. I mean, you're
not even on the lease, so...
- Right?
- Right.
But you can take as much time
as you need to find a new place.
And that's fine.
You can have the...
Bedroom? Yeah, it's my
bedroom. So.. But thank you.
- Yeah. So you can have it.
- Yeah.
- And I'll take this couch.
- Right. Couch.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you?
What are you still doing here?
Ubers are surge
pricing right now.
Go on and take it
off Take it off
You gotta shake it
off, baby for me
Take it off Take it off
Take it off, baby, for me
Hey! Mornin' Doc.
- Whoa, someone's feeling great.
- Actually, I feel terrible.
Walked in on my boss
going Cookie Monster
- on my girlfriend's privates.
- Jesus, that's vivid.
I know. I was there.
It was insane.
And then he teabagged me in
my kitchen against my will.
- I don't need any more details.
- Sorry. I'm a little loopy.
Couldn't sleep last night,
but for some reason felt
compelled to run...
which sounds strange
coming out of my mouth,
- but it's been...
- Surprisingly cathartic?
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
I just had to get
out of that house.
And now he's going to
beat me in this race
- I have no business being in.
- Is he, though?
Yeah. You've seen him, right?
He's like a prototype athlete.
He looks like a fitness model.
He does novelty runs with mud
and chalk and glitter bombs.
That's not real running.
Have you seen a
pro-distance runner?
- I don't think so.
- Yeah. They're repulsive.
Like meth addicts
in booty shorts.
Okay. Okay. What
are you saying then?
I'm saying I've seen guys like
Spencer show up thinking they're
the cock of the walk, only to
truffle shuffle across the line
six hours later. I'm
saying you can beat him.
Whoo! Y'all gonna
make me lose my mind
Up in here Up in here
Y'all gonna make
me go all out
Up in here Up in here
Y'all gonna make
me act a fool
Up in here Up in here
Y'all gonna make
me lose my cool
Up in here Up in here
One, two Meet me outside
Get me outside
Get me outside
Rough Riders
Meet me outside
Oh, hey Pat Burger,
I am so sorry.
Yeah, you're sorry
about your ugly dick
that's covered in freckles
that I saw in my house.
Pat, are you drunk?
You don't smell drunk.
But maybe it's one of those ass
vodka tampons. Those are fun.
Pat, maybe we should
talk in private?
You know, I had a pretty
good run this morning.
So I got to thinkin'.
Why don't we up the stakes
of our marathon bet?
If you win, your charity
gets the money I raised.
And if I win, my charity
gets the money you raised.
It's all going to a
good cause, right?
Well, if that good cause
is called prostate cancer
because I mean, there's
no way you can beat me.
It's not really even a bet.
It's just a future fact.
Well, here's another fact.
You're not my friend.
You're saved in my phone
as "Spencer hyphen work".
Okay. If we're not friends,
then we're enemies.
I'll take that bet.
Aardvark the money
over to Olivia,
and she'll hold it in escrow
until the winner
crosses the finish line.
Oh, I don't... I don't
really wanna... no.
- Sent.
- Holy shit! $100,000!
You raised $100,000?
Yeah. My LinkedIn
network runs deep.
So what do you say,
my young Patawan?
We can take off some of the heat
if you can't hang
in this kitchen.
You can beat him.
There's a butler's pantry.
It's just salads, cold soups,
No, I can hang in this kitchen
because I also raised
that much money, too.
Besides it's all going
to defeat cancer,
so what's the difference?
- Sent.
- Got it.
$200,000 in my possession.
It just feel right.
May the best runner win.
May the best cancer win.
I think we can both agree that
cancer needs to lose here.
You're my cancer now, Pat,
and I'm gonna radiate you.
So my advice, beat him in
the race, show him who's boss.
And if you lose, it's
what? Like a hundred bucks?
Shit. Oh, God.
At first I thought you just
came by to pitch me again,
but if you're looking
for a running coach,
you came to the right place.
Yeah, 'cause I just love to run.
Yes! So first thing you're gonna
need, hyperbaric oxygen chamber.
So when do we get
to the coaching?
Running is the greatest
metaphor for life.
Because you get out of
it what you put into it.
- Winfrey.
- Yeah, no.
Well, that's rude.
Marvel at his gait.
- Okay. Here you go.
- No!
My hip. Oh, no!
He's not a hand/eye athlete.
You wanna carbo load. That
means pizza, pasta, bagels.
You want your gluten
as high as possible.
The more gluten, the better.
As far as smoking,
in moderation.
I recommend some dip
to protect the lungs.
Hang on, Harry.
I'm on the phone.
Pat, is everything okay? Did
you get hit by another car?
What? No. Everything's fine.
I just wanted to see if you
would coach me for the marathon.
Whatever, sure. Next time,
text. No one calls. Ever.
Got it. So how's work?
Wow, hemorrhaging.
Nurse, get me a clamp.
That leg's gonna go.
Ooh! Not good.
- So let's talk goals.
- Yeah.
- Do you have one?
- Yes, I think a good goal for me
would be to run a two
and a half hour marathon.
Nice. What's your actual goal?
Why not? I mean, that's just
under a six-minute pace.
You're nowhere near that.
Well, when we started, I was
averaging 10-minute miles,
and after a month, I'm
running eight-minute miles.
So, you know, with the
marathon two months away,
I figured I'd knock off
another two minutes at least.
Okay. By your math,
in three months,
you'd be the marathon
world record holder.
I do seem to take to it
naturally. Yeah, I guess.
See, that's not how this works.
The difference between averaging
six minutes and averaging eight
minutes is like the difference
between being Gordon Ramsay
and being Chef Boyardee.
Between being Gordon Ramsay
and being Chef Boyardee.
- I like Chef Boyardee.
- Of course you do.
Let's aim for an
eight-minute pace.
That's a three-thirty marathon.
If you ran a three-thirty
marathon, it'd be the most
impressive thing you've done in
your life by a lot, like, ever.
Like, so, so much...
What are you doing?
Uh, whoa. I'm stopping
'cause we ran the first hill.
No, we're not
doing hill repeats.
We just started on a hill.
You're screwed. Come on.
Why do we start on a
hill? Are you insane?
- Hi, y'all.
- I think I'm gonna pass out.
- Hey, catch.
- Huh?
Vive la France!
Hey, Julie, what are we doing?
We're doing rinse/repeat, baby!
Yeah! And Pat, how much have we
raised for breast cancer? Huh?
Let's just say I wouldn't want
to be breast cancer right now.
So hit us up on Aardvark and
keep those donations coming!
Pat! Pat!
Hey, man. I gotta keep pace,
but we'll hang soon, okay?
Hey, Pat, look! I'm ticketing a
guy's Charger like Vin Diesel!
Yo, I'm still in the car!
Yo, the car's still double
parked! Take your ticket, okay?
He's getting faster.
Put your baby mama at the
crib and blow her back out
Friends! Tonight's open
bar raised over $800
for breast cancer research!
More money, less cancer. That's
my little twist on a celebrating
Christopher Wallace beat poem.
Oh, I'd love to
hear it sometime.
- Sorry, we're late.
- Oh, no, Kiki. What happened?
Oh, just a stress fracture.
The doctor just confirmed it.
Kiki, I'm so sorry.
Oh, you sweet boy.
Bless your heart.
You should see if you can
defer entry to next year.
Defer? Defer to next year?
Say defer again, Curly Sue!
Say it!
Have you seen the vodka
man, the vodka man...
Do you wanna go chat
about her in the bathroom?
I think so.
Well, it's a damn shame.
She was running so well.
Hey, she told me you've been
running pretty well yourself.
We'll see. I mean, 26 miles
still sounds really daunting.
How about Harry gives
you a little tip?
Get you over the top
for big race day.
Yeah, okay. What it is?
Remember the first
world championship?
I had an affair with an
Iranian race walking champion.
She told me to infuse my
water with ghost peppers.
Which simultaneously
cools you off
and jump starts
the nervous system.
I wouldn't have got there
without these little devils.
Oh. Thanks for thinking of
me, but no, yeah, I'm good.
But you could be great.
Yeah, don't want that.
- Oh, that's a bad batch.
- Don't want that.
Never mind. Hey, wanted
to check in with you
and see how the fundraising
numbers are going?
Oh, well, interest rates
are high, so, yeah,
it's really good.
There's a chance that we
could double our money.
- That's insane!
- Yeah. Right?
You know what, Pat? I just... I
really appreciate how you have
gone all in on running, so
I am gonna go all in on you.
Let's go forward with
this Aardvark deal, huh?
- Great. That's amazing. Really?
- Yeah.
Wow! I can't wait to
tell Spencer the news.
Oh, I love it! Hey, you're
gonna come to the team dinner
tomorrow night, right?
I wouldn't miss
it for the world.
one is the milk?
Okay, we're at 60 if you
wanna head back to the lot.
- I'm gonna add on.
- Actually, I'll come with you.
I don't mind being a
little late to work
and I think I'm
getting a second wind.
This could be your
first runner's high.
No, I don't think so.
Being high is awesome.
Right now, I just
feel not terrible?
Yep. That's a runner's
high. Very overrated.
- Great branding, though.
- Definitely false advertising.
Oh, you can run, but you
can't hide, Pataquiddick.
He doesn't need to
hide though, does he?
No, all he has to do is run.
And all you have to
do is run faster.
Move, move, move!
Hey, hey. How are
you? Yeah, I'm good.
I'm really good.
Hey, Spence.
- Uh, hey, Spence!
- Oh, hey, Pol Pat.
I was just lost in the
executive email chain.
Yeah, totally. Just
wanted to let you know
the Green Built deal
is squared away.
Oh, yippee.
There's cookies in the vending
machine if you wanna celebrate.
Opened or closed, brother?
Oh, I don't know. Surprise me.
"Brother"? Yeah, maybe
if I had sucked up
all the nutrients in the womb.
How the hell did
you raise $100,000?
Your friends are poor.
You can tell from
their dental work.
Oh, oh, oh. You've been
a naughty boy, Peter Pat!
Patter Pan, Paptain Pook?
Jesus. What are you doing?
You're losing your goddamn mind.
What the hell?
I'm gonna need to
see some ID, sir.
Dave, what are you doing?
I said I need some
identification, sir.
Do parking enforcement have
the authority to ask for that?
Hmm, it's funny. It
says "Patrick Cassidy".
I know a Patrick Cassidy.
Or at least I used to.
Did you rehearse this?
- Well, you can stop.
- You can stop!
Why don't you start, okay?
When's the last
time you hit me up?
I'm always the one
reaching out to hang, man.
You don't text me.
You don't call.
You haven't even
sent me a picture
of a weird dump you took.
Look, man. I've just been super
busy. I can't do this right now.
I'm late for a team dinner.
Besides, ever since I upped
my fiber game, my BMs
have been super smooth.
It's not photo worthy.
Enjoy your precious
running club.
First, take the
club off your car.
Okay? That club protects
your precious car,
but who protects me?
What about the
club for my heart?
Look, man. We can talk
about this later, all right?
Once this marathon's over, I...
Good-bye forever,
Patrick Quintin Cassidy!
Keep living your life a
quarter mile at a time.
That's how you get
out of a ticket.
- Go for Spencer.
- What the fuck, Spencer?
Oh, what the fuck me?
What the fuck you.
You gambled other people's
money, which in the legal world
is known as illegal.
Which means I am firing
you right now, Patato Chip.
- Shit.
- Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna miss you
around the offices,
but I am very much looking
forward to race day,
when I exterminate you, my
little Duck-billed Patypus.
Okay, well, if I'm fired,
then the bet's off.
Tell Olivia to return
the money to my account.
Oh, hell, no. No,
no, no, no, no.
A bet is a bet. And I
told Olivia, my underling,
that if any money is
returned before one of us
crosses the finish line,
then her job is in
the Porta Patty!
Oh, I improvised that
one, shimone! Yeah!
Oh, I improvised that
one, shimone! Yeah!
What about the Green Built deal?
Oh, when Rita
hears what you did,
oh, that deal is dead in
the water, Patiliwood.
I knew... I knew it!
Oh, and on the plus side,
with your team's money,
oh, this year, I'm gonna be
the top boner on the prostate
donor list. Thank you!
Come on, man. You
can't do this.
I can do anything I
want. I am all powerful!
The destroyer of worlds!
King Kong and Godzilla, me!
There can be only one!
Uh, Pat, Pat, Pat,
Pat, Pat. Pat, um...
Uh, smells. Pat smells.
- You're a real dick, Spencer.
- Oh, pleasure working with you.
Don't be afraid to
use me as a reference.
Come on, man.
Sorry, Timothy.
Thank you for that moment
of silence. Don and Julie,
your mothers and their brave
fights against breast cancer
remain inspirational
to all of us.
And we race for them.
And we race for survivors
like Kiki and myself.
Shout out to our very
special guest, my oncologist,
Dr. Parsons. With her
help, we will find a cure.
And with the money we've
raised, we can reach that goal!
So, Pat, our trusted treasurer,
how much have we raised so far?
I gambled all the team's money.
I, uh, I bet it all
against my boss that
I'd beat him in the marathon.
Why would you do that?
You suck at running.
Wait, so all the
money is just gone?
I didn't lose it yet. I
mean, there's a chance
I could still get
it back, but...
Yeah, it's basically gone.
- You slimy motherfucker!
- Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Wow, man. I thought
better of you, really.
The Germans have a
word for scum like you,
but you're not
worthy of hearing it.
So you're clearly
kicked off the team, Pat.
And this obviously
kills our business deal.
Hey, look, I don't care how
you do it, but that money
needs to be back in our
account by race day.
Wow, you're a real
piece of shit.
Uh, I...
I just can't believe
you would do this. Why?
It was Spencer. I mean, he
got to me and I snapped.
And I wanted to get him
back, so I upped the bet.
I thought I could beat
him in the race. And...
But it was that morning that
you told me I could beat him
and show him who's
boss in the marathon.
I didn't tell you to steal from
a goddamn cancer charity, Pat.
Well, I didn't... I
didn't steal anything.
- You didn't steal anything?
- No, no.
I didn't steal anything.
Whether I lost or not,
that money was always going
towards defeating cancer.
I mean, isn't there just one
type of cancer that shows up in
- different parts of your body?
- No!
What? Our teammates in there
worked so hard to raise that
money because they had their
lives turned upside down
by breast cancer,
not prostate cancer.
But I'm sure all the
scientists are sharing notes.
- All the scientists?
- Like on a medical database?
Pat, there isn't just
one big cancer lab!
We're done here.
Stealing from a cancer charity.
You bombaclaat motherfucker.
I'm gonna put cancer in your
dick, let it go malignant.
Then biopsy it. No anesthetic.
It's nice meeting you!
See how you like
that, you punk bitch.
Yeah. Yeah, that's fair...
At the tone, please
record your message.
Hey, again, Dave.
It's me, again.
It's Pat. Hey. Look, um,
I'm sorry I've been acting
like an asshole these
past few months.
You know, to paraphrase
Ja Rule in Fast I,
"It ain't how you
stand by your car,
it's how you race your car."
And, you know, in this metaphor,
you're my car, and I
wanna race you around.
So maybe I could pick you up
in my actual car and I could
race us around and we could
have fun like we always did.
And, I don't know, call
me and we could just...
The mailbox is full
and cannot accept any messages
at this time. Good-bye.
You gotta try
To live your life
Oh my gosh, a new friend!
I already know
how to run slow.
I want to learn how to run fast.
Running's for children
and people who can't
hold their pee!
I love this team!
from a cancer charity.
I'm saying
you can beat him.
You're gonna fall with
the grace of a cannon ball
You're gonna rise back
the tide above it all
You've gotta find,
find the spark
That lights up the dark
Sometimes you fail
before you begin
Sometimes you lose
before you win
If it starts to hurt,
you need to stop.
Stop? That's a good one, Doc.
Where'd you go to medical
school? Chuckles University?
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
I'm in race mode, okay?
Got it.
Oh, recommended dose
is two, but never mind.
Kiki feel no pain!
Hi, who's ready to race?
We're ready!!!!!
Let's get it! How do you feel?
Let's get it! How do you feel?
Got room for one more?
Oh, this bitch.
What kind of response were
you expecting to that?
Oh yeah, come on back, Pat.
We miss you. No, we hate you.
Race mode!
You're no longer a
part of this team, Pat.
What are you doing here?
Let me just say one thing.
I'm not an emotional guy.
I tend to put up a lot of
walls to hide how I truly feel.
But being a part of this team
has meant so much to me.
Before I met you guys, I
never really had any real
sense of commitment.
Not to my friends, or
work, or my girlfriend.
He has a girlfriend?
But with running, if you don't
show up and put in the work,
you don't stand a chance.
And I realized just how
much I wasn't showing up
for every other part of my life.
- And most especially...
- Most especially?
That's terrible grammar.
I've never been
part of a community
that looks out for
each other like family.
And I never realized how
important it was to me
until I lost it all.
I feel like Nemo.
I-I lost my family.
Ew, he's a Disney adult.
Being a part of this
brotherhood and sisterhood
has changed my life.
And I'm so sorry I
gambled the team's money.
And I know now that there's
more than one type of cancer.
And the scientists, they're
not all sharing notes.
Okay, okay.
Holy shit. This is a pretty
healthy donation, Pat.
I sold my Corolla.
It's not like I'm commuting
anywhere right now.
No, no. This is actually
more than I figured a Corolla
would be worth.
Toyotas have excellent
resale value.
Plus, I, uh, liquidated my
savings account and my 401K.
It's all the money we
raised plus interest.
The money's all back.
Please, take me back.
Wow, that was very
generous of you, Pat.
I-I'm sorry. Did
I miss something?
That car was a piece of shit.
Did you even like that thing?
I always clubbed it.
Baby, it's the
thought that counts.
I mean, the money's
all back in there.
Thank you for making
good on this, Pat.
We'd love for you
to run with us.
Bring it in, bring
it in, bring it in.
Ow, ow, ow.
Just hold still because
I've gotta just...
- Don't!
- I'm just kidding.
Look. You're fine. I'm joking.
It's good for you.
Look it. There you go.
Well, well, well, if
it isn't Saint Patrick
and his band of slippery snakes.
Cool jig, Spencer. You
don't look so good.
- You doing okay?
- Never been better.
Been consuming nothing but
Nitro Venom for the last...
500 hours or so.
Ready to make you my bitch.
Hey, man, that's uncalled for.
Oh, what are you gonna
do about it, Diarita?
Cha, cha, cha.
Well, guess what, Spence, I
already paid my charity back.
So after I beat you,
my charity gets the
hundred grand you raised and
the rest goes straight to me.
I don't understand your
math, but you beat me?
Oh, how you amuse
me, Pat-thetic!
Have a great race.
Good luck out there, man.
Be care... Hey!
Don't do that...
That's... Hey, leave
that guy alone!
Is that supposed
to intimidate us?
I can still see you.
Uh, he looks like the
goddamn Crypt Keeper.
His hair was missing, right?
Full chunks were missing.
Yeah, he seemed haunted.
Listen, kid, I've raced up and
down through the Soviet Bloc.
Had more than my share
of genetically engineered
assholes like that.
I know how to beat
'em at their own game.
Ooh, ghost pepper water.
All right, take this.
When the moment is right,
you drink this shit.
- I don't wanna drink this shit.
- No, you drink this shit!
- Okay. Fine, okay.
- When the moment is right.
You'll know when it's
right. You drink the shit!
Okay, I'll take it. I'll take
it. I'll take it. I'll take it.
Look, I gotta go to the
start. Drink that shit.
Okay, fine. Jesus, man.
Oh, white breasted nuthatch,
you don't see those everyday.
Oh, white breasted nuthatch,
you don't see those everyday.
Oh, oh, oh!
I'm sorry. I didn't
see you there.
I can't see!
Oh, oh! Are you
with the guide dogs?
Yes, yes! Are you the
differently abled person
- I'll be running with today?
- Yes.
I have a tether that we can
hold on to during the race.
It's time to twalk, baby.
All y'all gonna walk.
Have to talk and walk.
Don't mind my smoke
coming from my hips.
Let's go!
It's hammer time, baby!
It's time to move!
And there go the race walkers
in the Sweet Peach Marathon.
I'm Tabitha Fox and
joining me today
are Olympian and
distance running icon
Jeff Galloway
and legendary running
back Reggie Bush.
Great to be here, Tabitha.
Thanks for having me, but
I'm a football player.
I've never ran more than
a hundred yards at a time.
I think there's been a mistake.
Yeah, well, we need
you for the ratings.
Now, Jeff, tell us,
what are these competitors
thinking right now?
It's important to pace yourself
and not go out too hard.
How can they go out too
hard? They're walking.
Well, the prize money
for the first-place race walker
is $50,000. No
laughing at that.
That's more than you're
paying me for this.
I'll be right back.
Reggie, Reggie,
Reggie, Reggie, Reggie?
Um, well, there
goes Reggie Bush,
but I think Mr. Bush, who was
a football player, mind you,
is gonna have a little trouble
catching up to
these race walkers.
Wow, looks like somebody's
got his Heisman back.
Well, the runners are
up in just one hour,
so stick around with us
for all your race coverage.
- Hey, Rita.
- Yeah.
Are you sure you wanna
carry all that for 26 miles?
Oh, absolutely. Going for
a PR. Feeling confident.
Nite, nite.
Racers, on your mark.
You got this.
Get set.
And they're off. The Sweet Peach
Marathon is officially underway.
- Grab a cup.
- I got the belt.
No, save that for when
you're in no man's land.
- Here.
- Got it.
Hey, hey, relax.
We're on pace.
It's not a sprint. It's
literally a marathon.
That's why we have the phrase.
Soon, Spencer. Soon.
You're doing amazing,
Don. I can hardly keep up.
Swiftly, Kirk. Pothole!
Don, how did you do that? I...
Thou art a magnificent creature.
Oh, I blush.
Are you a man or a mouse?
Come on! Man or mouse? Man
or mouse? Man or mouse?
Man or mouse? Man or
mouse? Man or mouse?
Man or mouse? Man or mouse?
Well, Spencer's lost it.
His veins are too veiny.
And you know I'm a vein girl.
Oh, my God, here
comes Pat! Go, Pat!
Okay, we did it.
Let's go brunch.
Tabitha, this is amazing.
Look how they're
trading off the lead.
Uh-huh, yeah, great. We're
actually gonna cut away
from the leaders right now
and check in with Nancy Ryan,
who's at the back of
the pack with a runner
in pretty wacky attire.
- Get a load of this.
- Let's see this bullshit.
Jeff, we can still hear you.
Take it away, Nancy.
Thanks, Tabitha. I'm here
at mile five with a runner
that's got the
crowd going cuckoo.
How are you feeling,
Chicken Man?
Like a million clucks, Nance.
Honestly, I'm just happy
the fans stuck around
for us slowpokes because
I don't run at all.
Yeah, I'm just here because
I lost my fantasy league.
- What's up, Chicken Man?
- Hello. Boom! Chicken Man!
Gotta love the people.
This is eggcellent.
That must've been refreshing.
Are you worried about becoming
a fried chicken in that suit?
I mean, we're going
so slow that it's...
Shut the fuck up, Chicken Man!
I will pluck every fucking
feather from your fucking body!
Why don't we lose
this fowl mouth, huh?
That's good. I'm Nancy
Ryan. Back to you.
I don't understand.
I don't understand.
I don't understand.
Ma'am, are you okay?
But I will be.
Well, if I'm an
asshole, you're shit.
I pushed you out of me
like soft serve ice cream.
Oh, I really hate him.
- How are you feeling?
- I'm feeling good.
- How are you feeling?
- I'm feeling good.
Okay, look. You
can finish this.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you leaving me?
Yes, but only because I wanna
run much faster than this.
So follow me up to Spencer,
run with him, stay relaxed.
And try not to shit yourself
when you hit the wall.
How very inspiring,
but is hitting the wall
like a runner's high where
it's nowhere near as intense
- as is sounds?
- No.
Hitting the wall actually
feels like hitting a wall.
When it happens, remember
there are paramedics nearby
- and you won't die, probably.
- Wait, what? Really? Seriously?
And here we are. You got this.
Oh, what is going
on with your body?
- Stop it.
- Stop what?
- Stop hitting my arm.
- It's not illegal.
Where'd he go?
Race official. Race official.
- What are you gonna do?
- He's hitting me. Stop it.
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
Well, as the lead runners
close in on the finish line,
we're honored to be joined
by our first finisher,
your Sweet Peach
race walking champion
and new world record
holder, Reggie Bush.
- Reggie, how do you feel?
- I feel fine.
I was walking.
Where's that check?
I want my money.
Well, I agree with that.
Tabitha, get him his money.
Hey. This is it.
Oh, this is what
people are waiting for.
The main event.
You got
this, Aunt Janet!
This is where you meet
the wall. 20 miles down,
6.2 long miles to go.
How are you holding up?
I'm good.
Ooh, that's not what
you're body's saying.
I can see the salt building
up on your rims, Patarita.
Mm, I didn't know
you were kosher.
Oh, keep that head
up, Tupat Shakur.
Look around you, brother!
It hurts like fire!
How you feelin', General Patton?
- I'm fine.
- Oh, good.
Then this surge should
be no problem, soldier.
Move out, move out! Weapons
hot! Here we go! Move out!
Hey, hun, how about
a push?
Kiki... What? No.
I'm not helping you
with whatever this is.
What? My legs gave out,
but my will is strong.
And so are my triceps.
I'm out.
I will finish!
Mark my words! Let's go.
Just quit.
Forget about the bet.
You're gonna lose anyway.
That's right, Pat.
Miracles just aren't
your skill set.
We both know you're
going nowhere.
listen. Keep going.
Oh, yeah, yeah!
Oh! Oh, sorry, Pat.
I wanted a real man, not a boy.
- Oh, mm.
- Oh!
He's the best lover
in the lower 48.
No, it can't be.
Come on, Pat! Live your life
a quarter mile at a time!
You're almost there! Let's go!
- Dave.
- Yeah, buddy!
I'm working security
for the race.
Also, I didn't expect to
see you this soon, man.
You're crushin' it.
Here. I got you
some of this shit.
- Goo!
- I guess.
- Thanks, buddy. I miss you.
- Aw, don't mention it, man.
You already filled up
my voicemail inbox.
It really warmed my heart.
Also, I am dying, okay?
Your boss is right up
there. You got this!
Save your breath, okay?
Also, don't litter in front
of me, okay? I'm security.
Now, go get that douche!
Go get him!
Well, nearing the finish
line is former race walking
world champion, Harry Hayes.
The whole
world does this crap?
Yes, Reggie. Race
walking is a real Olympic sport.
Jeff, they're devaluing
your Olympian status.
I know. I-I know.
On your left! Move!
Go around! We have
the right of way!
Eat my ass! I'm
coming through!
No! Fuck me!
Oh, no! We have a
runaway wheelchair athlete
headed downhill at pace.
Oh, shit!
- Get out of the way, Harry!
- Kiki!
Run, Harry, run!
I will never run! Never!
For the love of God, just run!
Race walking ancestors,
give me strength!
It's all yours.
That dude shit himself!
Well, marathons are hard.
Emmy-winning analysis, Tabitha.
Jeff, you come into my house...
Heel, toe, heel, toe,
heel, toe, heel, toe.
I didn't run. I didn't run.
I know. I know.
- Hold on, baby.
- Hold on, Kiki.
Kiki, stop it. I'm
trying to help you.
Here we go.
We know each other.
Oh, oh.
Oh, oh.
Piece of shit.
Muscle spasm!
Ow, ow, ow! Punch
it! Punch it! Ow, ow!
Hey, hey, Steve Pat Fontaine.
Steve Pat Fontaine, hi.
What is it, Spencer?
I just want to congratulate
you on a race well run.
I mean, all that money going
towards fighting feet cancer.
- Breast cancer.
- Breast cancer.
You must feel like King Tit.
I don't know how I'm gonna break
the news to the sad, little boys
in the prostate land, but...
Keep your share.
That money should go to
fighting prostate cancer.
Oh, thank you, 'cause my family
history does not bode well.
And this Nitro Venom is wreaking
havoc on my internal organs.
I mean, I look like a nut sack.
I don't why I'm talking
like this, Patty-Cakes,
but I've just got one question.
On the finish line,
did I poop a little?
No, you're good.
Oh, good 'cause that
would be embarrassing.
- Spencer.
- Yeah?
I beat you.
Yeah, but Patty Longlegs...
All right, all right...
And that's how I got
here... in a pretty normal way.
I just ran almost every day.
Because being in the race
is a hell of a lot better than
watching from the sidelines.
Right now, lick it
good Suck this uh,
Just like you should
My neck, my back
Lick my medal
and my cast, uh
I don't get it.
You know, 'cause I had
plenty left in the tank,
Well, you know, Olympic race
walking is four miles longer
than a marathon.
Oh my God, that's it.
You're gonna be a race walker.
No, ew. God no.
No. Ultra marathon.
Of course, I would
need all new gear.
Hey Google, take a note,
head lamp, racing snorkle,
closed-loop filtration in case
I have to drink my own urine.
Blow darts for predators.
Oh, look, they
have arugula salad.
- Wait, you're not seeing?
- No, I'm not seeing anyone.
I'm not seeing anyone either.
- So what was your final time?
- Two fifty-six.
Wait. Two fifty-six?
Is that a world record?
- Yeah, yeah.
- No, but it's good.
It's good. It's good.
What about you? Think
you'll run another one?
Uh, let's see, I'm
unemployed now,
so I have plenty
of time to train
and I think I love running.
- Hmm.
- Yeah.
It's good to know what I
want finally and go after it.
On that note, you
should get your tab
and we should get out of here.
Oh, uh, wow.
What makes you think I
wanna go on a date with you?
Not a date, not a date. Um...
more of a post-marathon
thing? I don't know.
Something... Something's
different about you.
And, um, my endorphins
are raging and...
Oh, uh, I would love to
probably more than
anything, but, um,
can I take a rain check?
I, uh, have to go
see about a guy.
Hey, man, you're
three hours late!
I'm sorry! I was
having sex with Julie.
I tried to postpone it,
but she wasn't having it.
Apparently, it's a post-marathon
thing, so I had to do it,
but I wanted to do it.
Do you know what I mean?
I was really lucky to be having
sex with somebody like her,
so that's where I was.
Yeah, yeah, it was.
Dude, you just ran a marathon
and had sex for three hours.
- How are you not asleep?
- I don't know.
But I feel great.
Also, who is Julie?
Is she coming? 'Cause I could
put some more pizza bagels in.
- Does she have a friend?
- No.
- She has family!
- She has family!
I hope it's a freaky stepmom!
Those are some of
my favorite videos.
You're awesome
What you will achieve
You're awesome
You just gotta believe
You're awesome
Every doubt, every mile
You're awesome
Gotta get what's your goal
You're the best
You're the bomb
You're awesome
Yeah, yeah
You're awesome.