Oh, Doctor! (1917) Movie Script
1
OH DOCTOR!
Dr. I. O. Dine, and his family.
"Unquestionably the horse is superior to man. One hundred thousand men will go see a horse race but I bet not a single horse would go see one hundred thousand single men run."
"Bet it all on Lightning. He'll win in a flash!"
CLUB HOUSE
ADMISSION $5.00
"If we loose, we're ruined!"
Lightning
"If we don't have an epidemic soon, we'll be out begging!"
"Pop, that horse that went the wrong way was really funny!"
Home at last.
"Pop, that horse was really funny!"
M. BALM MORIBUND & CO. FUNERALS AND INTERMENTS
Doctor I. O. Dine, Would you please send us a list of your critically ill patients so that we may anticipate their needs? We also look forward to serving you.
M. Balm Moribund
Digger 0. Graves
Dr. I. O. DINE
PHYSICIAN AND SURGEON
31 Cemetery way
"Get him here somehow. I'll do the rest."
HUMAN CRAFTING.
"Please, come quickly! I swallowed a bottle of shoe polish by mistake!"
"You need a cobbler, not a doctor!"
"I'm coming Keep polishing your stomach until I get there!"
"This soap is miraculous. It removes all stains except on your conscience."
"Use this every day and you'll never get sick. If everyone bought this, the doctors would starve!"
"This is shameful hogwash, just when I most need new patients to recoup my losses!"
HERCULE ANTIBACTERIAL SOAP
PREVENTS ALL DISEASES
JUST USE IT EVERY DAY
AND YOU'LL LIVE UNTILL YOU DIE!
DRIVE SLOW
Advertising - the soul of business
"You have a sore throat..."
"This is the only remedy. Courage!"
"Bottoms up!"
Too many toasts.
While the Doctor's away, a very healthy "patient" calls
"Hello? Tell Snapper to put everything on Romeo. With odds of 500 to 1, he's sure to win - besides, we've made a deal with the jockey!"
"I want my necklace!"
His Master's Voice
MOLASSES
"I arrest you in the name of the law!"
"Oh, Pop! Why are you in a police uniform?"
ROMEO
WINS
THE DERBY
This horse no one believed was so fast, has odds of 500 to 1. The few who wagered heavily on him won emormous sums...
"Police!"
This is an example of a wife who is never content: "Is this how you squander your money, you heartless womanizer?"
THE END
OH DOCTOR!
Dr. I. O. Dine, and his family.
"Unquestionably the horse is superior to man. One hundred thousand men will go see a horse race but I bet not a single horse would go see one hundred thousand single men run."
"Bet it all on Lightning. He'll win in a flash!"
CLUB HOUSE
ADMISSION $5.00
"If we loose, we're ruined!"
Lightning
"If we don't have an epidemic soon, we'll be out begging!"
"Pop, that horse that went the wrong way was really funny!"
Home at last.
"Pop, that horse was really funny!"
M. BALM MORIBUND & CO. FUNERALS AND INTERMENTS
Doctor I. O. Dine, Would you please send us a list of your critically ill patients so that we may anticipate their needs? We also look forward to serving you.
M. Balm Moribund
Digger 0. Graves
Dr. I. O. DINE
PHYSICIAN AND SURGEON
31 Cemetery way
"Get him here somehow. I'll do the rest."
HUMAN CRAFTING.
"Please, come quickly! I swallowed a bottle of shoe polish by mistake!"
"You need a cobbler, not a doctor!"
"I'm coming Keep polishing your stomach until I get there!"
"This soap is miraculous. It removes all stains except on your conscience."
"Use this every day and you'll never get sick. If everyone bought this, the doctors would starve!"
"This is shameful hogwash, just when I most need new patients to recoup my losses!"
HERCULE ANTIBACTERIAL SOAP
PREVENTS ALL DISEASES
JUST USE IT EVERY DAY
AND YOU'LL LIVE UNTILL YOU DIE!
DRIVE SLOW
Advertising - the soul of business
"You have a sore throat..."
"This is the only remedy. Courage!"
"Bottoms up!"
Too many toasts.
While the Doctor's away, a very healthy "patient" calls
"Hello? Tell Snapper to put everything on Romeo. With odds of 500 to 1, he's sure to win - besides, we've made a deal with the jockey!"
"I want my necklace!"
His Master's Voice
MOLASSES
"I arrest you in the name of the law!"
"Oh, Pop! Why are you in a police uniform?"
ROMEO
WINS
THE DERBY
This horse no one believed was so fast, has odds of 500 to 1. The few who wagered heavily on him won emormous sums...
"Police!"
This is an example of a wife who is never content: "Is this how you squander your money, you heartless womanizer?"
THE END