Oh! Oh! Cleopatra (1931) Movie Script

The Masquers Club expresses its
appreciation to all these members
for contributing their time and talent.
And now we greet you,
as our heroes do,
with laughter or a smile,
hail, friends, let's laugh a while.
Professor Sweinstein claims that any
person swallowing one of these pills
will be immediately transported
back in retrospective life,
to become whatever character
in world's history he chooses.
But who can explain this phenomenal
scientific theory more clearly
than its sponsor, our honoured guest
Professor Waldo J. Sweinstein.
Thank you gentlemen. Rather than repeat
any more claims for my theory,
I would much prefer to demonstrate.
To do this, I must have a subject.
And I will be very grateful,
if one of you gentlemen would mentally
select a character in history, and,
by swallowing one of these pills
be whisked back into the bygone ages.
Won't you submit to
the experiment, Mr. Hiers?
I'm sorry professor, but...
I'm too forward to go backward.
Perhaps Bill will try it.
No. I've played all those follows.
I know their secrets.
How about you, Jimmy?
Mhm, not for me, Bill.
I might land back in Scotland.
How about you, Hale?
Back through the ages?
No, my wife won't even
let me away for a week-end.
What do you say, Alec?
I'm sorry but I must decline.
They usually fall off my knife.
But, gentlemen, think.
Unless I have a subject,
I cannot complete my demonstration.
You know, Bob, I think
I'll go for one of those pills.
Pills, nothing. What you need
is a good bromo-seltzer.
No kidding.
I've always wanted to
go back into the past.
You know, I've always had a yen to play
Shakespeare's Antony opposite Cleopatra.
Yeah, well if you think I'm going
to Cleopatra, you're crazy.
No, I'm serious.
I can see myself now as Antony.
Friends, Romans, countrymen.
Cannons to the left of me,
cannons to the right of me.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. You're
all mixed up. That's Huckleberry Finn.
Boy, you better stick to being a
comedian, that's what you better do,
because you'll never make a Shakespearian
actor. Now with me, it's different.
You know, I got the makings
of a great tragedian in me.
Say, It'll take more than a box of pills
to make a Shakespearian actor out of you.
Yeah? Well, let me tell you something,
if we weren't busy on a picture,
and had to rush right
back to that studio,
I'd swallow a hunk of those pills
and I'd show you a Julius Caesar
that was a Julius Caesar.
- Aw, no you wouldn't.
Oh, yes I would.
- Oh, no you wouldn't.
Oh yes, I would.
- Oh, no you wouldn't.
Oh yes, I would.
Oh, no you couldn't play Mark Antony.
- Oh, yes I could.
Oh no you couldn't.
- Oh, yes I could.
No you couldn't!
- Yes I could. - No you couldn't!
You know, this thing
could go on all night.
Give me one of those pills.
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Ah, Cleopatra, I see thee again.
Cleopatra, thou art beautiful.
Ah, your hair, your eyes,
your nose, your lips, your...
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Wait for me, Cleo, wait for me.
Gallia est omnius divisa in partes tres.
To say nothing of e pluribus unum.
Oh night, wondrous night.
Ah, great Caesar, were not
nights like this made for love?
Yeah, sure, it we could get rid
of Amos and Andy back there.
Away, slaves.
- Yeah, scram, boys, scram.
Can't kid me, Cleo,
that stuff's been cut.
Oh, great Caesar, thou art
the fairest lover I've ever had.
Let's have that again.
Thou art the fairest
lover I've ever had.
Just a gigolo,
everywhere I go.
Oh, wouldst thou couldst
stay here for always.
Yeah, great idea, Cleo. Great idea.
But I'm afraid it can't be done.
You see, I gotta dash back to Rome.
You know, the boys in the Senate
are cutting up a little.
- I don't know, something about a melon.
I think they're going
to cut a melon, that's it.
Oh great Caesar, art thou
afraid of republicans?
Why shouldn't I be? After the
trimming they gave me in the market.
Oh great Caesar,
what stock did thou sellest?
Now let me see, I got rid
of my Grecian railway,
also my Chariot Wheel and Buggy,
but I'm holding on
to my Roman can.
Not going to take that away from me.
That's why I'm going Democratic.
Oh great Caesar, would thou for
Democrats leave thy little Cleo?
Well, not if you got a
little more democratic.
Almighty Caesar, lend me your ear.
- Lend me your ear.
That guy's always trying to borrow
something. Speak your mind, kid.
A messenger has arrived from Rome
and wouldst have speech with thee.
I'll bet you anything in the world
that's Wheeler.
Hail, Antony.
Hail, Romans.
By gosh, it is Wheeler. Can't I
get rid of that guy for a minute?
Hail, Caesar.
There lies the noblest
rummy of them all.
To hail with little Caesar.
- To hail with you, too.
Speak your piece, Mark,
and make it snappy.
I've got a little important
necking to do.
The Senate's investigating
your administration
and here you are
getting sunburned.
Hi, kid.
Oh, dear.
Hey, who is this gazabo back there
who keeps looking at us all the time?
That's August the third.
- Oh, August the third.
I thought it was the house detective.
The way he's leaning against that
column, I think he's a columnist.
Oh, pardon me,
I thought I was home.
I was afraid of that. Why don't you grab
the 5.15 chariot and get back to Rome.
I'll stay here and take care of any
important business you might have.
Mark, thou art a chiseler
of the worst kind.
Ah, a robin.
No, 'tis the call for the banquet.
Yes, it is my birthday.
Surely thou will come to the banquet?
Will I come to the banquet? I hope
to tell you, Cleo, I hope to tell you.
Bring on my birthday cake.
And let there be music.
What, thou too, Brutus?
Ah, the three Rhythm Boys.
Hold. It will be better for Caesar
if we use these Roman candles.
Hey, lay off that lunch hook.
Cleo belongs to me.
She likes me as much as she
does you, don't you, kid?
I like thee both.
Well, you gotta choose between us now,
you can't be a sister to both of us.
Why not fight it out among thyselves?
- That's not a bad idea. What'll we do?
Go thee into the lion's den and fight,
and he who wins, shall win my hand.
What do you mean, fight lions? Nothing
doing, nothing doing. No lions for me.
Make it rabbits, though,
and I'll take you up.
You coward. Daniel went into
the lion's den and came out alive.
Yeah, but don't forget,
there's a big difference between
the lions now, and the lion's den.
Ah, my birthday cake.
Quite a donut, quite a donut.
- Yes.
I hope there's enough to go around.
Listen, I got a great idea.
Suppose we all dive into the cake
and the one that gets the
biggest hunk, gets little Cleo.
No, I have an idea.
He who really wishes my hand
shall have a chariot race.
A chariot race?
A chariot race, chariot race,
that's good, that's good.
Yes, and he who wins shall be
my house guest for a week.
Toots, make it six months
and I'll go for them lions.
Ah, no, sir, no, sir,
we'll stick to the horses.
Since a baby, horses
have been my hobby.
I shall light the candles.
No, no, I shall light the candles.
- No, I'll settle it.
Thy both shall light the candles.
- Splendid, splendid.
Friends, Romans, Countrymen,
here we are in dear old Alexandria.
The city is packed to overflowing
with the happy crowds
who didst come to witness
this great race of the century
between Julius Caesar
and Mark Antony.
Ah, her majesty Queen Cleopatra
enters the royal box.
The sun shines beautifully.
Oh, boy, what a wondrous day for this
great classic. There they are now.
Believe it, folks, they're almost ready.
Caesar looks a little bit nervous.
Ah, but Antony has the confidence
of a future champion.
Hold it for a still.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
Caesar's does make
a runaway race of it....
Parlez-vous Francais?
- Ya-ya.
At the quarter Caesar doth lead
by a length. Antony close up.
How they biting, son?
- Okay.
Very good, very good.
At the half, Caesar doth hug the rail.
Antony closing fast.
Into the stretch they come,
in a wondrous driving finish.
Driving, driving, driving they are.
The winner...
Well, wouldst thou believest me,
it was a dead heat.
This is Octavius MacNamee
bidding you good afternoon.
Get out of here, will you.
Oh, my heroes,
you were wonderful.
I did not wait for the finish,
so I know not which of thee won.
However, I shall retire to
the bridal suite, and he who won...
...shall follow me there.
Wait a minute, big, boy, wait.
Big boy, let a good
man enter first.
What's the matter with you,
what's the matter with you, I won.
I won by a Roman nose,
but I got a Mexican decision.
You may have won by a Roman nose,
but here's where I win with Roman hands.
Oh no you don't, oh no you don't...
- Yes I will.
Oh, no you don't.
- Oh, yes I will...
Oh no you won't!
- Oh yes I will.
Oh no you didn't.
Gentlemen, was it a success?
What happened?
Hot dog. Wasn't she beautiful?
- And alluring.
And did she have it?
- She had that.
She had those.
Come on, let's go back
and see her again.