Oh. What. Fun. (2025) Movie Script

It's Christmas Eve
and snow is on the ground
Mistletoe and holly all around
Yes, all the world is happy
but since you went away
my Christmas will be just
another lonely day...
Oh, it's cold! I need to pee.
Oh, golly gee.
I'll be right back!
Please stop.
That's your sister! Look.
Don't punch your sister.
Please stop!
All three of you are gonna
get in so much trouble.
Hold on.
Hi. Can I help you?
Hi. Do you mind
if I have a word with your kids?
Uh, sure.
Okay, kids, I couldn't help but notice
that your mommy here is trying very hard
to keep you happy,
and I just wanted to say that, um,
you really should be nicer to her.
Okay?
Because someday she's going to be dead.
Merry Christmas.
Oh, don't look at me like that.
Scrooge gets famous for being grumpy
around the holidays,
and I'm not entitled
to one little outburst?
-Bye.
-Come to think of it,
where are the holiday movies about moms?
I can name a dozen about men, easy.
There's Christmas Vacation,
It's a Wonderful Life,
The Santa Clause, Home Alone, Elf,
this one, that one, that guy, this guy,
him, them.
Heck, Steve Martin is some kind of hero
because he spends a few days
trying to get home
in Planes, Trains and Automobiles.
And what does his beautiful wife get?
You know, the woman at home
who's been taking care of the kids,
cooking and cleaning.
Around 89 seconds of screen time.
They need to make a movie
about the true heroes of the holidays:
moms.
I was all prepared
for my favorite holiday, Christmas.
I'd been planning it since January 1st...
...and I was watching my number one
TV program, Zazzy Tims.
And, folks, stay right here,
because after the break,
we'll be joined by Chef Emeril Lagasse,
and he's gonna tell us how to cook
a beautiful Christmas turkey
with a little Cajun twist.
Bam! Oh, and don't forget,
the annual Zazzy Tims Holiday Mom Contest
is upon us.
And you've got one day left to nominate
your very own holiday mom
to win an all expenses paid Christmas trip
out to Burbank to be a guest on my show.
It's your chance to show your mom
how special she is.
So get those applications in
before it's too late.
I don't need this.
-Hey, hon.
-Hey.
Oh, my God, you're just starting that?
Honey, it's gonna take me 45 minutes
to an hour tops to build this thing, okay?
And Ben and Lucy are gonna love it.
That's a lot of parts. Good luck.
So I'm gonna run errands.
-You need anything?
-Nope, I'm good.
Just drive safe.
Hey, the kids haven't mentioned
the, um, Zazzy contest to you, have they?
Because I've sent them messages about it.
Um, I definitely did.
Contest?
The Holiday Mom Contest?
Your kids have to submit you.
It's... it's a whole thing.
Did you... tell them to submit you?
I can't ask them to submit me.
That would be cheating.
I want them to want to submit me.
I mean, who cares?
It's just a silly little contest.
It's really not that important to me.
I see it.
I see it on your face.
I suppose I could text them one more time.
Couldn't hurt.
Welcome to my Christmas song
I'd like to thank you for the year
So I'm-a sending you
this Christmas card
to say, "It's nice to have you here"
I'd like to sing about all the things
your eyes and mind can see
So hop aboard your turntable
Oh, step into Christmas with me, yeah
Step into Christmas,
let's join together
We can watch the snow fall
forever and ever
Eat, drink and be merry
Come along with me
Step into Christmas
The admission's free
Channing is my oldest.
She, her husband Doug and their twins,
Lucy and Ben,
live just a few hours away in Austin.
Makes me so happy to have her close by.
She's her own woman now, but I still make
an extra stop at Schultz's every year
just so she can have her pfeffernuss.
-Hello!
-She loves pfeffernuss.
Hello!
Mom?
- The Christmas tree!
- Dad?
- So cool.
- Ding-dong.
She hasn't gotten rid of
a single decoration since we were kids.
That one's mine.
Hey, don't touch the presents.
Mom?
-I'm here!
-Hi, Mom.
Hello!
- Grandmama Claire!
- Come here!
I have missed you two so much.
Hey, I thought I heard voices.
- Little Bean!
- Oh, hey, Dad!
-Hey.
-Hey. Hey!
-Hey, handsome.
-Hi, beautiful.
-How are you? Thanks for having us.
-I'm good.
-So happy to see you.
-I'm gonna squeeze upstairs.
-Excuse me. Keep talking.
-Oh, you want a hand with those bags?
-I don't need a hand. I am very--
-Let me give you a hand.
-Nope. Nick, I got it. Nick. Nick.
-Yeah, come on. Especially this big one.
- It's too big for you.
- You guys...
Hey, you guys haven't heard
of this show, um,
the, uh-- So You're a Dancer, have you?
- It's our favorite show.
- I got it.
- Here we go. Come on.
- I am so relieved,
because I have been wondering...
...what to do with all these tickets
that are burning a hole in my pocket
for the So You're a Dancer Holiday Tour,
coming to Houston tomorrow,
and we are all going!
Yay!
Here you go, pal. All set?
-Thank you so much. Appreciate it.
-All right.
-Thank you.
-You got it from here?
Got it from here. I'll take it.
Hey, did anyone find Barnaby?
Who's Barnaby?
Barnaby is the Elf on the Shelf
who is hiding somewhere in or around
this very house.
And at night, he flies back to
the North Pole and reports back to Santa
on who's being naughty or nice.
Yeah, we-we know how it works, Mom.
We have an elf at home, too.
His name is Sneaky Pete.
Ew, Sneaky Pete?
That's so creepy.
Yeah. Sneaky is creepy.
Okay. Go, go, go, go, go!
-He's hidden very well.
-Come on, guys, let's check downstairs
and see if he's down there. Come on!
-And you better hurry.
-Let's see if we can find him.
- Yay!
- Come on.
- They're so cute.
- Where is he? Where is he?
Yeah, they are.
It is so good to see you.
Hey.
Hot, hot, hot, hot! Watch out.
Mmm.
So how are you?
I'm-I'm good. Yeah, you know--
-Are you hungry?
-No, I'm okay.
-We-we had some--
-Here, have some carrots.
Okay.
Oh, thanks.
Tell me everything.
My little girl, weight of the world
on her shoulders.
Things are a little unhinged right now
with the...
No one warns you
how the older your kids get,
the harder it is to have
an informed opinion about their lives.
That's so great.
No, it's-it's not... not great.
It-It's just, I've never written
a murder mystery before.
It's the, it's the trickiest thing
I've ever tried to plot and--
I'm sure you will do a good job.
You're so smart.
I mean, you know, you just--
you'll make something up.
Oh, that reminds me, um,
I bumped into Julie Sager,
and she said you never reached out
to her daughter Alyssa.
I know. I know.
'Cause it-it didn't make, it didn't make
any sense what you were asking.
Alyssa writes about the stock market.
I write novels. It's totally different.
Well, okay.
Well, could you at least send her
one of those... free copies?
They're called galleys,
and no, they're for trade reviewers.
How do you know she's not one?
'Cause she's not.
Candles.
You've got to smell these candles.
Mom.
That is the scent of dusk.
-No.
-Uh, Zazzy Tims--
you know, Zazzy--
well, she did a whole segment on them.
They're called Monochrome candles.
It's a luxury aesthetic.
I'm giving one of these to that Jeanne
Wang-Wasserman across the street.
Well, I'm sure she'll love it, Mom.
Thanks.
- Uncle Sammy's here!
- He's here!
Uncle Sammy's here!
Yay!
Uncle Sammy's here!
-He's here!
-We're gonna surprise him when he comes.
Uncle Sammy's here!
Sammy is the baby of the family.
He lives in Portland
with his soulmate Mae-bell,
who we are finally getting to meet.
I'm not going.
What? Why?
For one, I want to go to Los Angeles
to see my family.
-You see your family all the time.
-And two,
-I-I think we should break up.
-Okay.
Is there a third thing?
I know this is not what you expected.
I can't believe you're doing this.
We had sex last night.
I don't really see how that's relevant.
We had sex this morning.
We're young, Sammy. That's what we do.
But I'm in love with you, Mae-bell.
And I think you're great, too,
but... I want more.
What more could you possibly want?
You don't have a job.
I do have a job.
A camp counselor?
For three months of the year?
What happened to the other nine?
Mae-bell, listen to me.
You're cool and fun, and I just can't
imagine my life without you.
So, please, I'm begging you,
don't do this.
Welcome home
Uncle Sammy
-If you want to eat a--
-Mae-bell dumped me.
- Aw.
- I'm a husk of my former self.
I need a cinnamon roll.
- Sorry, Sammy. Come, come.
- Come on.
Sweetie...
listen to me.
You are wonderful and fantastic
in every way,
and if Mae-bell doesn't see that,
well, that's her loss.
Uh, you don't know that.
It's competitive out there.
People have options these days.
Exactly. Options.
Get back out there. Meet new people.
These cinnamon buns taste different.
Take a pottery class.
What's different about them?
She's trying Zazzy recipes again.
You could go on one of those
Club Med vacations for singles.
Mom.
That or apply to grad school, you know,
open a savings account.
You know, take some time
- to work on you, Sammy.
- Mm-hmm.
- Taylor's here! Taylor's here!
- Taylor's here!
Taylor's here?
Taylor is my middle child.
-Every year for the past ten years...
-Hi!
...she's brought home a different woman
for the holidays.
And every year, we act excited...
Hi!
...because we love her, and that's family.
All right, all right, family. Hold up.
Let me introduce you to someone
very special to me.
The most beautiful, best emcee
in all of Minneapolis...
...my girlfriend, DJ Sweatpants.
-Aw, that's great.
-Aw.
Also, you can call me DJ Sweatpants
or Sweet-P or...
-Yeah.
-...even just Donna.
Mm-hmm.
I told y'all she was the best, huh?
-Welcome to Texas!
-Ah!
- Whoo! Yeehaw!
- Hi!
- Hey, honey.
- I missed you guys.
-Hi.
-Hi.
- What's up?
- So nice to meet you.
Hi, Channing.
Oh, I've heard so much about you.
I missed you.
Wow.
Claire! Let's say hi!
Hi, Jeanne!
- Hi.
- Jeanne Wang-Wasserman,
my impossibly perfect neighbor.
One of those people who make you feel like
you're somehow always falling short.
Merry Christmas!
You remember my kids, right?
Astrid, Elizabeth,
Marcus, Gar and his sweetheart Diane.
Of course. Hello.
So nice to see you.
Merry Christmas, Jeff.
Nick. Merry Christmas.
It is a merry Christmas.
I see you took my advice
and went sans lawn inflatables this year.
I think I speak for everyone on the block
when I say that we all really appreciate
that you decided
not to put them up this year.
Oh, well, actually I'm still
in the decision-making process, so...
Well, okay.
I better let you all get to your dinner.
- Bye.
- Blessings!
-See ya.
-Bye.
-Blessings.
-Blessings.
See ya.
-Blessings!
-Blessings.
Blessings!
Blessings.
Sammy, Doug, go get the lawn inflatables
and the air pump out of the shed now.
- Speed walk?
- Go.
Silent night
Holy night
-All is calm
-All is calm
All is bright
Ooh
-Round yon virgin
-Virgin
Mother and child
Holy infant
so tender and mild
So tender and mild
Sleep in heavenly
peace
Sleep in heavenly
peace
Aw, oh, God!
Beautiful.
Barbaric.
-Hey, Mrs. C.
-Hey, Donna.
Inflatables are up.
They say she may be beaten,
but I know...
Taylor, feet off the furniture, please.
I just cleaned that table.
I didn't realize Mom's old wooden table
was a family heirloom.
Ooh, snap.
Met a man in Beirut...
Channing tells me
that you're getting into photography.
Is that true?
Uh, I-I mean, I guess I told her
that I picked up, like, an old camera
at a yard sale.
-But, I mean, kind of.
-That's so cool.
That's-that's how it starts,
the old habit.
Poor Doug.
He's an only child.
No natural defenses against my kids.
I keep expecting he'll build some up,
but at this point,
I don't know what it'll take.
Yeah, I don't know if she mentioned it,
but, you know, I'm, uh...
was a bit of a shutterbug myself.
Huh.
No, no, she never told me that you were
-a shutterbug yourself.
-Really?
So funny. She didn't tell you.
If you ever...
whatever, if you ever want
to talk about it, I'm here...
Yeah.
...to talk about it with you.
Hey, did I ever tell you I, um...
um, I kissed this guy in high school once?
And he--
I'm gonna go and get some more wine.
-Right now.
-Yeah.
Sorry.
Wise men better
get themselves together...
So you're a shutterbug?
Hmm?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Oh, my God, is that Taylor?
- Yeah.
- She looks exactly the same.
- I know.
-And there... Sammy.
-Oh, oh.
Oh, I didn't recognize him
with his glasses on.
- Yeah.
- And who's that?
Oh, that is, um, Taylor's old
foreign exchange student friend Mia.
Right.
Why not start it up
with Christmas Day?
Merry
Merry, merry, merry, merry
Merry Christmas
Merry, merry
Merry, merry, merry, merry
Merry Christmas...
-Hey, Mom.
-Hmm?
Donna is a vegan,
and I forgot to tell you.
Taylor.
We're eating sirloin.
I mean, whatever you can make
for her is totally fine.
Like, as long as it's vegan, yeah.
Don't mind me.
Mom, did you get the pfeffernuss?
Yes, yes, I did.
It's in the, um, uh...
Just one second.
- Who's that?
- Kate.
-She was sweet.
-And, uh, she is...?
Oh, Isabelle... I think her name was.
- Who is that?
- Patricia. Also sweet.
And who's that?
- That's, um, Rebecca.
- She's pretty.
Yeah.
Taylor didn't like her knees.
Oh.
But I bet your knees are very nice knees.
Uh...
Yeah. I mean, they're just...
they're normal knees.
Pfeffernuss!
- And that is...?
- Want a cookie?
- Erin.
- Thank you.
She was
very into conspiracy theories.
Yeah, awesome.
-Oh.
-Thanks.
-Who can blame her?
-Mmm.
I mean, obviously Taylor,
who apparently broke up with her.
Doug.
- Hey, hon?
- Hey.
Do you know where
the fire huffer-puffy thing is?
Oh, yeah. It's, uh, in the big basket
behind the chair.
Oh, great.
Ah, there it is.
All right. Hey, Doug.
Hey, Nick.
Got the TV working, huh?
Oh, wow.
What's going on up there?
You guys, uh, watching anything
you like these days?
Yeah, I only watch PBS documentaries.
I don't watch regular TV.
It's all junk.
That's why I love the LBJ documentary
that PBS did.
-Uh-huh.
-I mean, it's 18 hours.
-Whoa!
-Hey, guys.
-Hey. Whoa.
-Here they go. All right!
- Hey, dinner's almost ready.
- Get over here.
Twenty minutes.
-Twenty minutes? Honey, we're starving.
-Aw, Mom, come on.
Okay, ten. Ten.
Sammy, play a little Christmas tune
while we wait.
A little holiday cheer.
- Yeah, Sammy.
- Liven things up a bit.
- Yeah, Sam.
- Yes.
See, this why you guys got to learn
an instrument later.
-I know.
-So you can do this.
Bring joy and mirth.
-You guys ready?
-All right.
-Yeah!
-Whoo!
-Let's go!
-Come on.
Do it!
On the first day
of Christmas
my true love gave to me
a partridge
in a pear tree
On the second day of Christmas
my true love gave to me
two turtledoves
and a partridge
a partridge, a partridge
I never said I wanted a partridge
in a pear tree
No-o-o-o-o-o-o
-In a pear--
-Dinner's ready!
Hey! Come on, guys!
- Yay!
- Wow.
You know how Mom gets
right after she calls us.
- Really good.
- Good job, son.
- Come on, guys.
- Come on, Samster.
- Last one's a rotten egg.
- Partridge
Don't you guys want to hear
the whole song?
I would like to make a toast.
Ooh, a toast.
- Claire?
- Mom, s-sit down for the toast.
- Honey.
- G-Get a glass of wine.
- Get some wine.
- Claire, sit. Sit, honey.
-Mom, sit next to me.
-Come on, sit down for a minute.
- Come on. Sit.
- All right,
-but only for a minute.
-Sit. Okay.
- Okay. Yeah.
- Everybody have, um, something?
- Kids, you can use water.
- Did you get my messages?
- All righty.
- Oh, thank you so much, Doug.
Claire, honey?
-The ones, um, you know, about Zazzy.
-What?
Claire.
-Yeah, probably. I don't know.
-Honey, are you paying attention?
Oh.
Ready?
- Mm-hmm.
- I would like to make a toast
to a very special person...
- Mm.
- ...somebody that I think is
the heart and soul of this operation,
and somebody that I think embodies
the true spirit of Christmas.
Somebody that I really believe...
-Here we go.
-Where is he going?
...maintains the Christmas spirit.
-Dad!
-Uh-oh.
Somebody who just
gives and gives...
- Dad, why'd you leave the room?
- ...selflessly.
Some people might call
this person a saint.
- What are you up to?
- And I'd agree 'cause
- it's Santa Claus!
- Yay!
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho!
- Santa Claus!
- Merry Christmas, everybody!
- Dad. What the heck?
- Ho, ho, ho!
- Merry Christmas!
- That is so good!
Ho, ho, ho!
-Ho, ho, ho. There we go.
-Cheers.
- Cheers to Kris Kringle.
- Cheers to Kris Kringle!
Kris Kringle!
-Cheers!
-Okay.
To Santa Claus, everybody.
I'm sorry, but why does
Saint Nick get all the credit?
The elves make toys in their workshop...
...and the reindeers pull the sleigh.
And nobody mentions what Mrs. Claus does.
I told her I was a shutterbug.
What am I, from the 1930s or something?
It's like I forget how to have
a normal human conversation with her.
It's like-- She's really cool.
And intimidating, and I just-- sometimes
I just think that she doesn't like me.
She's not that cool.
I mean, guess who didn't order
Mom's Cheese of the Month Club
Christmas present.
- No.
- She can't be trusted.
So where's the cheese?
No cheese.
George Washington:
The Legacy, a 40-hour PBS series
where we will explore the mysteries
of the Founding Father.
Were his teeth really wooden--
...American made--
How could you?
No, no, no, no. Not with him.
Look, I mean, it's really nice that
she bought the tickets and everything,
but she didn't even ask.
The moves these dancers do,
it's not really suitable for young kids.
There's a...
there's a lot of pelvic action.
Yeah.
I mean, should I, should I say
we don't want to go?
I-I don't know if I'd...
I'd want to say that.
Beddy-bye.
- Let's get in!
- Oh!
Oh! Oh, my God.
Doug? You okay?
Sneaky Pete's not creepy.
Not at all.
Barnaby is way creepier.
It's like the name of a serial killer.
Barnaby.
"My name's Barnaby,
and I'm...
gonna kill you."
"My name's Barnaby..."
That's scary as heck.
"Barnaby..."
The one thing
I really wanted for Christmas.
And I couldn't even get it for myself.
Frosty the Snowman
Was a jolly, happy soul
With a corncob pipe and a button nose
and two eyes made out of coal
Oh, Frosty the Snowman
is a fairy tale, they say...
Psst.
Nick, are you up?
Psst.
Nick. Psst.
Are you up?
Hi, honey.
You're awake.
I wasn't sure if you were awake.
Yeah.
It's Christmas Eve.
Can you believe it?
Okay.
Everything okay?
No.
I'm pouting.
We missed the deadline.
-To the Zazzy contest.
-Oh.
Poof.
-Gone.
-Oh, hon, I'm sorry.
I wouldn't take it personally.
I mean, they're our kids.
You've met 'em, right?
I really wanted that trip.
I deserved that trip.
I know, honey. I'm sorry.
You know what?
I'll take you on a trip.
Okay? I'll take you...
take you on a trip someplace like
we've never been before, you know?
Like, Florence. Florence, Italy.
He's so sweet,
but it didn't make me feel any better.
I'll tell you another place we could go.
Boston, like, where we first met.
Like, Fenway. Fenway Park.
You never went there, honey.
No, no. Not for baseball.
Honey, they have concerts there.
The Doobie Brothers are playing there
this summer.
See ya, Channing.
- Hey.
- Hold up.
Hold up.
Remember, we need to leave the house
by noon at the latest
if we're gonna make it
-to the dance show on time.
-Okey dokey.
Morning.
Hey.
You like this sweater?
-Mm-hmm.
-It look okay on me?
-Yeah. Yeah.
-What are you working on?
On my book that I am writing
that I get paid for.
Gosh, don't you ever get a break?
Surely your book people know
it's Christmas.
Damn it. The "little something."
-Hi, Jeanne.
-Good morning, Claire.
Happy Christmas Eve.
Happy Christmas Eve to you.
I was out on my walk, and I figured I'd
swing by and bring you a little something.
Thank you, Jeanne, and I have
a little something for you.
Oh.
-You go first.
-No, you go first.
You go first. I insist.
Hi, Jeanne.
Hi, Channing.
Oh.
-It's a...?
-Monochrome candle.
That's what they're called.
Isn't it beautiful?
Smell it.
That's right.
Breathe in the dusk.
Wow, it's lovely, and so many wicks.
I guess now
I'll open your "little something."
Wait. Stop.
I just realized, um, that's not yours.
It has my name on it.
Uh, yeah, I have two friends named Jeanne,
and this is for the other one.
Mom, you-you just showed me--
And if it's okay with you,
I'll just swing by a little later
and give you your "little something."
Okay.
Okay. Okay. See you soon. Bye, now.
-Blessings! Blessings!
-Blessings. Blessings.
Oh, that was close.
What was that?
You have a gift for Jeanne.
You made me stick my nose in it.
I got her a one-wick candle.
You can't give someone a one-wick candle
who got you a three-wick candle.
-It's logic.
-Mom, I think it's fine.
No, no.
Get dressed. We're going to the mall.
The-the mall on Christmas Eve?
W-Well, what about the show?
-The twins are so excited.
-We'll be quick.
Come on. It'll be...
-Fun.
-Mm.
Hi there. Welcome to Crate & Barrel.
Hi. Do you have any candles
with more than three wicks?
More than three? It has to be more?
Yes, of course.
-Well, candles are over there...
-Okay.
...right by the potpourri.
Sorry.
Oh.
- All right, good point.
- Sorry.
We're going to tighten
these one-eighth-inch screws,
then fit together the brace brackets...
-Okay, I'm trying.
-...with the eyelets,
grommets, rivets, set spacers
and mini hex spacers.
You know what I'm talking about.
Easy stuff.
Then we're going to tighten
the plastic lattice panel.
You should see that
you have installed all 13 posts.
Congratulations to you on that one.
Uh, now, in the next 27 steps...
Hey, sleepyhead.
How's it going?
Everything cool? What's up?
Oh, man,
I'm still kind of waking up.
Yeah.
Hey, where is everybody?
Uh, Channing and your mom went
to the mall, Nick's in the garage,
and Sammy and DJ Sweatpants
went to play tennis.
I'm just here working on
my world-famous pecan crunch.
That's weird.
Tenn-- They don't even play tennis.
I, um... was curious.
When did you know that you were
going to make your life about hairstyling?
How did you know that hairstyling--
Oh, you know, it's so crazy.
Uh, I-I got to go outside,
because I usually do my morning meditation
and my sun salutations,
but we'll-we'll catch up.
- I'll see ya.
- Okay.
Okay.
-Guys.
-Hey, we get here on time?
-Thanks for coming, man.
-Yep.
Merry Christmas.
Hey, boss.
-Take a look at this.
-What you got?
Believe this?
All day.
All day I been looking at this thing.
Seven thousand million pieces.
We got you.
I need part BP-01.
BP-01.
It's insanity.
What are these,
and why are there so many of them?
-The specs have to be off.
-Will you please--
If we just put the stickers on it--
Like that's gonna solve everything?
Putting stickers on everything?
What is this slide?
The slide goes from one room to the other
right there.
-That's how they slide into the pool.
-Yeah.
- Hey, honey.
- Hi.
-How's it going?
-Good.
-The kids?
-Huh?
Are-are the kids okay?
They're just doing kid stuff
and hanging out.
-Great.
-Uh, and I'm just sort of sitting here,
you know, cooking the pecans and
just bombing with your sister as-as usual.
Mom's driving me crazy,
and it's only the second day.
-Mm.
-I can't keep doing this much longer.
I think we really need to have the talk.
It is up to me to break the cycle.
Whoa.
I know.
It's... it's scary, but I have to do it.
-Okay, bye.
-Bye, hon.
When the cat's away, the mice will play.
Get inside.
-And look at this one.
-Oh, my God.
- We'll just go upstairs.
- Yeah.
-It looks amazing.
-Yeah.
So, when are you gonna tell Donna?
I don't know.
I got to figure out
how I'm gonna tell her.
Hey.
Hey, Mom.
Hmm?
There's, um, there's something
I've been wanting to talk to you about.
Uh-huh? What's that?
Well, Doug and I were thinking--
rather, I was thinking:
What if, next year, we did something else?
What-What's that mean? "Something else"?
I'm not following.
What if we didn't come home
for Christmas next year?
What if we did our own thing?
Like skiing.
Skiing?
-You don't ski.
-That's my point.
I mean, we don't have to do
the same exact thing till we die.
It's a lot having us all home
for the holidays.
It might be easier on you if-if
you didn't have all this to worry about.
Oh, I see.
So, you're doing us a favor.
Right, and the nice part is everyone can
do something they actually want to do.
I mean, Sammy is always saying he thinks
Christmas is just a corporate holiday,
and-and Taylor, well, I assume
these women she dates have families, too,
and you and Dad could enjoy
some quiet time.
-Yeah.
-Just the two of you.
What do you think?
Hmm.
I figured she'd already put down
the deposit on the old folks' home.
-Sound nice?
-You know what I think?
I think we'd better
get looking for that candle.
Okay.
Find the candle.
I think I might be one of those people
that peaked in the fourth grade.
Like, after the fourth grade,
I just stopped being cool.
Feel like a Fruit Roll-Up.
Honestly, Sammy,
you just need to be true to yourself.
You'll be fine.
Yeah. That's good advice.
Isn't that one of those neighbors
from across the street?
Yeah, it's one of Jeanne's kids.
Her name's Elizabeth.
We went to school together, like, forever.
- She's cute.
- Oh, yeah.
Plus she was, like, the best hurdler
in the state of Texas our senior year.
And class president.
She's basically perfect.
So what about asking her out?
Get back in the game.
Elizabeth Wang-Wasserman?
That's hilarious.
I doubt she even remembers my name.
Hi, Sammy.
Hey.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
Look at that.
Careful.
It's perfect.
- Next guest.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
We are not waiting in that.
Mom? Mom?
Mom, you can't just take that.
-Excuse me, ma'am!
-Mom, you can't take it.
-You have to pay for that!
-Happy holidays!
Ma'am, you have to pay for that!
- What are you doing out there?
- I was just outside there.
Okay, go back to the kid stuff.
See you later. Yeah.
Just gonna go...
This is illegal.
I'll come back and pay for it later.
Mom, you cannot give Jeanne Wang-Wasserman
stolen goods for Christmas.
I-I don't want to alarm you,
but those two mall cops are following us.
What do we do?
Run.
Ladies, halt!
-Woo-hoo!
-All right, let's keep moving!
Channing, grab my keys.
-My keys.
-Where?
They're in my bag.
Where else would they be?
-I can't find them.
-Oh, my God, are you even looking?
-Yeah, I'm looking.
-What is wrong with you kids?
"Where's the peanut butter?"
"Where's my gym socks?"
-How about right in front of your f--
-Found 'em.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-How are you? Mm, brother-in-law.
-Okay.
Uh, I'm gonna go to my room.
Merry Christmas.
You, too.
Oh, God!
You want to party, lady?
I'll party.
Mom! Oh, my God!
-Settle down.
-Mom.
You're gonna mess with the eagle,
you got to learn how to fly.
Mom!
Mom!
All units, all units.
They're multiplying!
The pecan crunch!
No, no. No, no, no, no.
Oh, God.
Whew! That was close.
Oh. Oh. Good. We're making great time.
We'll just grab a little lunch
when we get home and head out to the show.
Might even get there early.
It's my life
We're gonna be late for the dance show!
Taylor! DJ Sweatpants!
Hey, honey, what do you think?
Hat or no hat?
-No hat, no hat, no hat.
-Honey, you haven't even seen it yet.
Look, look.
Kids, you go with your mom and dad,
and, Taylor, DJ Sweatpants,
we'll go in your car.
Okay, I'm gonna pull my car around.
- Here, take these.
- Okay.
-All right.
-In case we get separated.
-Which car am I going in, Mom?
-Um, either one.
Taylor, we're about ready to go!
You don't want to get left behind!
This could be the last Christmas
we all are together as a family, ever!
What is going on with you?
Why would you say that?
Now everyone's gonna think
you're dying or something.
Oh, no!
Did I just blurt out something
worrisome and alarming?
Mom, we can just talk about it!
I'm coming, I'm coming,
I'm coming, I'm coming!
Nobody's seen my shoes?
Taylor, where are my shoes?
Mom, you cannot give Jeanne
Wang-Wasserman stolen goods for Christmas.
Damn it.
"A little something."
Doug, how many...
how many tickets do you have?
Doug, how many tickets do you have?
I have one, two, three, four.
-I have four.
-Okay. All right.
No, I got five. I got five.
We're leaving!
- See you there!
- Bye! See ya!
- Let's go.
- Bye!
Bye!
Oh, hi. Claire.
Hi, Jeanne.
I just thought I'd pop by
and drop off your "little something."
-Here you go.
-Oh.
Wait.
Aren't you gonna stay while I open it?
Sure.
Let's go, guys!
The first car already left!
- We're gonna be late!
- Come on, guys.
- Let's go, let's go. Come on.
- Ready.
Ready, ready, ready, ready. Go.
- I made it myself.
- Really?
It looks just like
the kind they sell at the store.
It seems like you just dumped some
out of a metal tin into this bag.
No, I made it from scratch.
From scratch, huh?
Can you share the recipe with me?
Sure.
It's chocolate,
and then you just crunch up
a shit ton of candy canes,
and you shake it all up like you're making
shake and bake chicken.
Then what?
Then you eat it, Jeanne.
Where is your family going?
Have yourself
A merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light
-Hello?
-Next year
all our troubles will be
-Hello?
-out of sight
Anybody here?
-Nick?
-Have yourself
-Channing?
-a merry
little Christmas
Make the yuletide gay
-Next year
-Channing, hey. Channing, over here!
all our troubles
will be miles away
Once again...
Hey. Taylor.
Where's Mom?
Huh?
Where is Mom?
What?
Forget it. I see her.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
will be near to us once more
Mom?
Mom, I'm...
I'm sorry about what I said before.
I mean, not that I said it
but that I blurted it out like that.
I...
I should've been more grown up about it
and asked to talk to you.
It was inconsiderate, and I'm-I'm sorry.
Oh.
Sorry, lady.
I don't speak English.
You're an odd woman.
Right.
Ladies
and gentlemen,
-please welcome the So You're a Dancer...
-Okay. Okay.
...Holiday Tour.
Damn, Santa's jacked.
Where's Mom?
Uh, Taylor said
you were with her.
No, it wasn't her.
-Oh.
-Where is she?
-I don't know. So--
-What do you mean you don't know?
Well, she was, she was in your car, right?
-No, she went with you.
-She wasn't in my car.
-She was in your car.
-No, she was with you.
-Oh, my God.
-Dad, we lost Mom?
-We got to go. We g--
-We got to go.
Hey, guys, Sammy,
-everybody, we got to go.
-Come on.
-Taylor, Taylor.
-We got to go.
Hurry up. Hurry up. Hurry up.
-Claire?
-Mom?
Honey?
-Check the garage and downstairs, too.
-Mom?
Mom?
We got you a promotional tote bag!
And a water bottle.
Grandma?
Anything? Anybody?
Mom?
I had nothing to do with it.
Hell.
Downstairs?
No. And her... her car's gone.
Thirty-five years of marriage,
and I have never lost your mother,
not once.
I'm not sure that's quite the triumph
that you think it is, Dad,
but... congratulations.
No need to lump us
into your sinking ship, Dad.
I mean, we're her kids.
She has to love us.
Sammy's right.
You're less of a sure thing.
No offense.
Give her a little bit of time
and she'll come back.
Taylor's right.
She's making complete sense, okay?
She's gonna come back, and when she does,
we will just admit we screwed up,
say we're sorry, we'll own it,
and until that point,
I want everybody to just suck it up
and act like adults.
I'm in charge now, and
I just want rational thinking here, okay?
Everybody, just stay cool, calm and--
What the hell am I talking about?
I can't do anything without your mother.
-Dad?
-Oh, my God, what are we gonna do?
-Oh, God.
-Dad.
Is she gonna come back? Oh, my God.
-All right.
-Dad?
-Need some water?
-You okay?
-What am I gonna do without your mother?
I'm lost without her.
What am I gonna do?
Communication is the problem
To the answer
You've got her number
and your hand is on the phone
The weather's turned
and all the lines are down
The things we do for love,
the things we do for love
Like walking in the rain and the snow
when there's nowhere to
Okay, anybody got to pee?
Anybody got to pee? All right.
Okay, good.
Oh, it's cold! I need to pee.
Oh, golly gee.
So let me see
if I got this straight.
A grown woman got in her car,
with luggage, and drove away from you
after you forgot her
while going to an event she planned?
Yep, that's what happened.
Right. Look.
We see this a lot with moms
around the holidays.
Next time, try a head count.
You can give us another call
if she's not back by New Year's.
Merry Christmas.
-Thank you.
-Bye.
The winter's flaking,
snow is brushing...
So, I got in my car,
and now I'm here, sitting next to you,
drinking a very strong cup of coffee.
Being a parent is a wonderful gift, but--
Mm-hmm. But where's the gift receipt?
Excuse me, but I'd like to make
an exchange, please.
Nice chatting with you.
Hold on a second there.
-Take my coat.
-No. No, no, no.
-I couldn't do that.
-I insist.
My own mama would come back to life
just to hunt me down
if she knew I let you go out there
freezing like that, so...
Thank you.
My pleasure, ma'am.
I need to be worried about you?
Well, nobody else is.
Don't know why it ought to start with you.
Isn't there anyone
who knows what Christmas is all about?
Sure, Charlie Brown, I can tell you
what Christmas is all about.
What the hell is that?
The same thing we have
every Christmas Eve.
We're doing Christmas
the way Mom planned it.
-Okay?
-I followed the recipe that Mom wrote down
to the letter, so if there's a problem,
you should take it up with Mom...
...'cause it's her fault,
not mine.
Here we go again.
What's that supposed to mean?
Okay, uh... you try
to distance yourself from Mom
because your similarities to her trigger
a deep-seated sense of insecurity
inside of you
that you've obviously yet to confront.
First of all,
if we're psychoanalyzing now,
Taylor, you're a love addict
who abandons any shred of responsibility
every time you meet a new woman,
which is--
let me check my calendar--
oh, yeah, all the time.
Geez, Channing, don't you think
wrecking Christmas is enough for one year
without destroying love, too?
You think I screwed up Christmas?
Uh, yeah, kind of.
"Get your life together, Sammy."
"Apply to grad school, Sammy."
News flash: I got a mommy and a daddy.
I don't need you jammed up my butt
playing parent, too.
Well, I'm sorry, but somebody's
got to be honest with you,
'cause it's sure as hell not gonna be Mom.
Patting you on your head
and stuffing cinnamon buns in your face
and lying to you
about how perfect you are!
Are you gonna back me up here?
Channing's kind of right.
Mom babies you. It's-it's weird.
I see how it is.
Two against one, right? All right.
-You want to fight? Let's fight!
-Yeah, yeah!
-Bring it on!
-Come on.
Hey. Hey!
Mustard or ketchup?
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
Stop, stop, stop.
Everyone, stop.
-Take you anytime.
-Lighten up. It's been a long day, okay?
Let's, uh, all just take a deep breath...
...and go to our happy place, all right?
I-I'll go first.
I'm going to Corpus Christi.
Great tubing.
Feel better already.
Taylor, your turn.
Oh, my God! Doug!
Shut up!
Don't tell Doug to shut up!
No one cares what you have to say!
I try really hard to be your friend.
But no matter what I do,
it doesn't seem to be good enough,
and I don't understand
what the problem is.
You're boring.
I don't know if I'd say boring.
Maybe I'd say dry, but...
If "small talk" were a noun,
it'd be you.
- "Small talk" is a noun.
- We get it.
You write books now, so you think
you're smarter than all of us.
Well, guess what, Channing.
Your books are too long,
and some of your dialogue's wooden.
"Wah-wah," cries the man baby
whose girlfriend dumped him
'cause he's eternally stuck
at summer camp.
You leave
Camp Derryberry out of this!
Donna, Taylor had another woman
in her room today
while you were out
playing tennis with Sammy!
-I saw the whole thing!
-What?
- Is-is that true?
- Donna--
- Oh, my God, it is true.
- Yeah, I-I saw the whole thing.
-I did.
-No. What are you doing?
You're mean.
What do you mean
there was somebody in the room?
-We were gone for two hours.
-No, it's not--
-Donna, it's not how that happened.
-Oh, my God.
-Are you kidding?
-He's completely misconstruing it.
Listen, listen. Let me tell you.
No, she's mean! She had a woman--
He wasn't in her business all the time--
All right! Hey!
Enough!
Everybody, be quiet.
Nobody utter another word.
You know what? Thank you, everyone.
This entire week has been
the most memorably mortifying experience
of my entire life.
Except her because she's a guest,
but nobody else utter a word.
God, no wonder you have no siblings.
Loser.
-Donna!
-That's not how it works.
You know what? Your mother's right.
You kids, you can't do anything right.
-I should've gone with her.
-Screw this.
I'm going to the bar, I'm getting drunk,
and I don't want to see any of you there!
Sammy, you can't go to the bar.
-It's-it's Christmas Eve.
-No, it's not.
It's just another Tuesday
without Mom here doing things for us.
Do you want a ride?
I got my bike.
Okay.
Ow. Damn it!
Come on.
Geez.
I was with my friend Geraldine,
who is straight.
She makes really great jewelry,
and I had her make you a ring.
And I was hoping...
I could propose to you with it.
What?
Come on, Donna, you can't listen to Doug.
Nobody listens to Doug.
He's like the weird family ghost
that hangs around and haunts us all.
But... it's only been like three months.
I mean, how could you possibly know
how you feel--
I have a gut feeling about us,
a strong gut feeling.
Here I'm giving your brother
relationship advice,
saying, "Be true to yourself, Sammy."
Meanwhile, I'm...
not being true to myself.
The truth is
I'm actually kind of old-fashioned.
I'm a DJ, but I hate
staying up late at night.
I'm a morning person.
And-and I want to date someone
without feeling like I'm competing
with the cast of an entire first episode
of The Bachelor.
Hmm.
I'm sorry, Taylor.
I thought I could handle you, but...
...I can't.
- Hey. For Donna?
- Yes, ma'am.
Please. I'm exhausted.
Are you sure you don't have
one tiny little room open?
No, two. Two rooms. Two little rooms.
Okay.
Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am.
I am a mother. It is Christmas Eve.
Do you have any idea what that means?
It means that I haven't slept
for more than three hours in a row
in over a week.
And I'm a delivery driver
on Christmas Eve.
Do you have any idea what that means?
I mean, jingle all the way,
but your girl is tired.
Okay.
I always keep one room available
just in case a big celebrity
like Ryan Seacrest show up.
But for you, I'll make an exception.
Thank you! Thank you!
- Oh, thank you, thank you.
- Go, go.
Uh, you-you mean to share that?
Y-You mean to share it?
Yeah, and?
Well, I will if you will.
-Hey, hon.
-Hey.
-Mind if I join you?
-No.
-How you doing?
-Okay.
Did I ever tell you the story about
how me and your mom first met?
Yes. Like a thousand times.
-Oh.
-But I want to hear it again.
Oh, yeah?
Okay.
So, I was working as a stock boy
in this Boston pub called...
Hanrahan's.
Correct.
And I'm... I was such an obnoxious kid.
I just thought I knew everything.
I was always mouthing off
and always getting my ass kicked.
And this particular night,
I had a big juicy shiner.
I mean, this whole side of my face
looked like some kind of swollen ham.
And I'm carrying two cases
of paper towels into the cellar,
and I pass the most beautiful girl
I've ever seen in my life.
And she takes one look at me,
and she said--
"You remind me of a Picasso."
Exactly.
Yeah, for a second, I'm like,
"Who's this Picasso guy?
I want to find him...
beat the crap out of him."
And then I look into those eyes,
and I'm just like...
I was done.
I was done in that very moment.
And, uh, the truth is, without her...
...I'd probably still be
stocking paper towels at...
Hanrahan's.
Okay, baby. It's all right.
- Dad?
- What?
Is that Jeanne?
Is she smoking a cigarette?
Oh, my God.
Your mother would kill to see this.
Where do you think she could be?
I don't know, hon.
Everyone loves Santa,
but let's face it, Santa's...
What's your deal, lady?
You forget your kid at home
in your mansion,
and now you're on some crazy
cross-country journey to make sure
you make it back to them
in time for Christmas?
Yeah. Right.
No.
Believe me, I'm trying to get as far away
from my family as possible.
Mm.
What about you?
What about me?
Where's your family?
You got any plans for Christmas?
Lady...
-...I'm working.
-Oh, right, of course.
-I'm sorry.
-Are you kidding me?
I love it.
I got my true crime podcast.
I got my solitude.
I even got to see the Grand Canyon,
the Carlsbad Caverns
and the world's largest pistachio
all in a month.
And I got me some good selfies.
Come on, now! Where they do that at?
Okurrr?
Mm-hmm.
Uh, thank God for Shark Tank.
I mean, they rag on Mr. Wonderful,
but he's actually got a heart of gold.
Mm.
Hey.
It's midnight.
It's Christmas.
Merry Christmas, lady.
Merry Christmas.
-Good night.
-Good night.
Tired. Oof.
I'm trying
I'm trying to...
Alone on Christmas Eve.
Part of the day
that I cannot sleep away
I'm trying
I'm trying to
drink away part of the day
that I cannot sleep away
I, uh...
I have trouble falling asleep.
I like to keep the TV on.
Just-just hearing the voices
just keeps me company.
It helps me sleep. I hope you don't mind.
No, no, that's fine.
-Okay.
-Good night.
Okay.
...but we're not gonna
agree on a valuation, then.
What about a different structure?
I-I need it kind of loud.
Mr. Wonderful, how about we do this?
How about you do 200,000,
you make 50% of the profit,
but once you get your money back...
...you drop down to ten percent,
and that remains your equity.
Are those...
Is that whales?
Yep. It's for relaxation.
I have to play that, too.
It helps with my blood pressure.
Well, well, well.
Elizabeth Wang-Wasserman,
as I live and breathe.
Lizzie.
No one calls me Elizabeth anymore
except for my parents.
Okay, Lizzie.
Is this seat taken?
So...
Dive bar. Christmas Eve.
You needed a break from your mom?
Good old Cardigan Queen Jeanne.
Yep.
She makes my mom go mental.
Care Bear Claire has a similar effect.
Care Bear Claire?
Yeah, women get wild when they get old.
Can't wait to see
what kind of psycho bitch I turn into.
It's gonna be sick.
You know, this is the longest conversation
you and I have ever had.
Despite being in the same class
since the third grade.
First, actually.
First what?
First grade.
You sat behind me.
You had one of those horrible, like,
turtlenecks that's just a bib, and, like,
you don't-- it's not attached to anything.
You just push it in the sweater.
A dickie?
-What?
-The little turtleneck things.
Th-They're called dickies.
It's a really unfortunate name
for a really unfortunate accessory.
I loved that accessory.
Mm.
I'm doing business school and law school
at the same time.
Impressive.
Thanks.
I got fired from a Starbucks once.
Impressive.
At the sun, see...
How come we never, uh,
hung out in school ever?
'Cause I didn't want to.
Cool. Glad I asked.
I had a really big crush on you.
Oh, my God, I love this song.
I love this song. Do you know this song?
Yeah, of course.
Who doesn't know this song?
I love this song.
It's funny how
-I love this song.
-I find myself...
Oh, my God.
-Please dance with me.
-No.
-Please. Please, please.
-Lizzie.
- No.
- It's Christmas Eve!
If I could buy my reasoning
I'd pay to lose
One half won't do
And I asked myself
How much do you
commit yourself?
Oh, it's my life
Don't you forget
It's my life
-It never ends
-It never ends
Funny how I blind myself
I never knew
Hey!
Hey, hey! There's someone in here!
Jingle bells,
jingle all the way...
Help! Help!
Are you kidding me?!
Hey! Hey!
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse...
No! Stop!
-Wait, wait, wait, wait!
-Dashing through the snow
on a one-horse open
Can I help you?
Did you not see me in there?
I was in the car that you towed.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
Rules are rules.
Here. You want some cash?
-I can give you cash.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Keep your blood money, lady.
You parked in a yellow stripe zone.
Striped like that for a reason.
Now, you can take it up
with the parking bureau Monday morning.
-No. Please.
-I got to go.
I-I can't wait till Monday.
There's nothing I can do.
Once those wheels leave the ground,
out of my jurisdiction.
Now, you have
a very merry Christmas, okay?
Can I at least get my things?
Thanks.
So, this year for Christmas,
I got a '76 AMC Pacer.
But what did I really want?
The snow is falling down
Gets colder day by day
I miss you
Our hearts were singing
It felt like Christmastime
It must be Christmastime
Okay. Here we come.
Hey, Taylor,
can you move that stuff for me?
This is something that Santa brought
special for you guys. Ready?
Three, two, one.
Yeah!
Here it is.
What is it, Grandpa Nick?
Wh-What do you mean what is it, kid?
It's a friggin' Dreamhouse.
What happened to the roof?
Ugh!
Geez!
Forget it.
Who's next?
Come on, Taylor.
You're up.
Nah, I'm good.
Fine. I'll do it.
I'll be the elf.
Mom's usually the elf.
Yeah, but Mom's not here, so you got me.
Right.
This one is from Doug.
Oh.
Is it the last 24 hours of my life back?
Oh, wait.
Is my girlfriend in there?
It's something that I got for you
that I thought you'd like.
It's a T-shirt.
Oh.
Dad, your turn.
Do you want a present?
I'm not opening any presents
till your mother gets back.
I'll feel sick to my stomach.
Can you guys please just at least,
you know, try to get it together?
Yeah? You know?
I mean, Christmas,
it-it's supposed to be fun.
Do you know how few Christmases
we get in life?
With this group of people?
- I mean, it's a finite number.
- Where's Sammy?
I mean, is he gonna sleep all morning?
Sammy?
He's not in his room!
You got to be kidding me.
We lost another one?
Uh, I could be mistaken,
but is that Sammy's bike
in the Wang-Wasserman front yard?
Where?
Oh, my God.
Maybe it's true what they say about
Maybe we can't make the ends meet
Maybe we'll all have to do without
Maybe this world's just incomplete
Well, we all look for truth
in this life...
-Can I help you?
-Yes.
I'm here for The Zazzy Tims Show taping.
Are you a VIP? This is the VIP entrance.
Uh, no.
Um, I'm just--
Okay, so you're gonna have to come through
here and circle back around, all right?
-This is the VIP only entrance.
-Mm-hmm.
You're gonna want to go over
to general admission and reenter there.
That's gate number two.
Okay. Thank you.
Some see the road as clear
Some say the end is here
They say it's a hopeless fight
But I say I gotta try now
Oh, I've got to try, baby
Maybe it's too much to think about
Maybe there ain't nothing left to say
But if our time is really running out
then this ain't no time to run away
And welcome back
for this very spectacular,
very extraordinary Christmas episode.
You know we've been doing the Zazzy
Christmas Special for five years now?
That's right, five years!
And what makes it such a special tradition
in my heart is you, our audience,
which is why every member of the audience
will be going home today
with a beautiful Monochrome candle!
But first, you've sent in your video,
submitted your nominations,
a record number
of applications this year.
Eight thousand! Can you believe that?
- Excuse me.
- Yes!
Eight thousand caring, generous mothers
who were all so deserving.
Yeah.
We heard stories of moms from Pasadena
all the way to Nairobi.
People could not tell us
- enough good things about their mamas.
- Can I put this on?
- And we can't wait to meet them.
- Uh, yeah, sure. Yeah.
Here onstage, we're gonna have
a mom who adopted 19 children!
Yeah. She's got her hands full.
- And, uh, we also have another--
- Yeah, you're good.
- Hey.
- Hi! Hey!
-Merry Christmas.
-Hi.
You here for Sammy?
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
You can come in.
Oh, Dad.
- Good tidings.
- Hi.
Unbelievable.
Sammy, get up!
You're passed out in Jeanne's house!
Nicholas Samuel Derwin Clauster the Third,
get your B-U-T-T out of this house
before I kick it there.
Sammy. Sammy.
Stop. Ow.
-Sammy, go.
-Go. Let's go.
Come on. Just--
We got him.
Okay.
Uh, your home is so beautiful.
- Thank you.
- ...Christmas episode,
-I'm gonna introduce you
to some wonderful women.
-Oh, look, it's... it's Zazzy.
-Mom's favorite show.
-We received a record number
of applications this year.
-Guess how many.
-Wait.
-Eight thousand applications!
-The-the Holiday Mom Contest.
She's been texting and...
-emailing me about this for weeks.
-Yeah!
- Oh, me, too.
- Mm-hmm.
- Same here.
I never responded. Did you?
-No. Me, neither.
-Ditto.
Without further ado, let's give
a warm Zazzy round of applause...
None of us responded.
...to the fabulous winners
of the Holiday Mom Contest!
-Oh, my God!
-Here we go!
Come on. You got this.
Hey, come on. Dance your heart out.
Let's go, let's go!
Oh, I love this!
Welcome, moms!
How did you guys get here?
- I'm a nominee.
- You're a-- And who nominated you?
Oh, my God, that's Mom.
Welcome, welcome!
I told her not to go off those hormones.
Heaven...
Jess? Uh, Jess?
Who's that woman doing the Cabbage Patch
and waving to camera two?
I don't know?
Let me check.
Hmm.
- My children!
- Oh, my God.
She's got 19 children!
Who nominated you, honey?
Oh, my-my son.
Oh, her son!
My son!
- Who nominated you?
- My husband.
Oh, your husband must love you.
Where'd she get that jacket?
- You think she'll let me borrow it?
- Wow.
Your mom is a great dancer.
Hey.
Last night, did we, uh...
I can't decide if she's an icon
or a train wreck.
Icon.
No. You got so drunk,
and you threw up on my shoe,
and then I had to walk
you and your bike home ten blocks.
Oh.
Oh, wow!
Oh, I'm really here.
-It's really you.
-Whoo!
Hi! So, how did you get here?
Oh. Oh, gosh.
Um, uh, well,
the short answer is that I...
I tried to get my kids to nominate me...
...for the Holiday Moms Contest,
and, well, they blew that off.
- Oh.
- And then, um,
I got my whole family
tickets to a dance show,
and they forgot me.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, yeah. I just, I just got in my car
and said, "Fuck it."
She'll be here in a minute.
Ah, you got her!
Glad that's over.
Oy vey. We did it.
- Great show, Zazzy.
- Awesome.
It's Cameron, right?
Uh, actually, it's Claire.
Do you know why I started
the Holiday Mom Special?
Was it to launch your--
It's because I've been buying myself
Christmas gifts for the last 15 years.
-Oh.
-Just so that I could have something
to open while my family tears into
the gifts I bought them
like a pack of coked-up howler monkeys.
You know what my husband got me last year?
An upholstery cleaner.
Yeah. And my son, he got me, uh--
oh, an autographed basketball
by one of the Harlem Globetrotters.
Not even the lady one.
I would've liked that.
Yeah. Oh, and my daughter
made me pancakes.
Oh, well, that's sweet.
I hate pancakes.
And she knows that.
-Oh.
-So I thought,
"Why not get the things I actually want?"
You know?
So now I play Santa to myself.
Same.
My stocking looks like a limp penis.
So depressing.
-It just hangs there.
-Oh.
No love.
Her family just lets it dangle there.
Yeah.
And we can admit that, you know?
But let me tell you something else.
-Here, I'm a boss bitch.
-Yes, you are!
But at home, I'm everybody's bitch.
We're all just little bitches.
But what you did was spectacular.
-They never turn off a light.
-Ugh.
Never. They-they can't close
the fridge door.
They can't close any door.
They let all the bugs in.
- Mm-hmm.
- They come home,
and it's like,
why so much toothpaste everywhere?
-In globs of blue.
-Ugh!
It's disgusting. I use my fingernails.
My husband always tells me,
"Don't worry. It'll all get done.
It always does."
I tell him, "Yes, I know it does.
Because I do it!"
Mm-hmm.
- That's right.
- 'Cause you do it.
Yep. Uh-huh.
I got four kids.
I carried them,
I birthed them, I fed them.
You know? I've had one
partially successful vaginoplasty,
and-and I bug them?
You know why? Because that's the score.
- Mm-hmm.
- That's the score.
Mm.
That's tight.
What? My vagina or the metaphor?
Whole situation.
On the radio, whoa-oh-oh-oh
On the radio
Whoa-oh-oh-oh
On the radio
Whoa-oh-oh-oh
On the radio
Whoa-oh-oh-oh
-It's a strong table.
-Now, now
Don't it kinda strike you sad
when you hear our song?
Mazel, delivery drivers.
We hope you get to sleep in tomorrow.
On that note,
it's time for my Mazel of the Week.
And this one goes out to a mom
who made her big broadcasting debut.
It's the Houston mother
who drove through the night
just to appear on The Zazzy Tims Show.
I don't know if you guys saw this video,
but I cannot stop watching it.
She put on an impromptu dance show.
And for that, Claire Clauster,
you are Mazel of the Week.
Just wanted to say
that I'm sorry.
Do you want to talk about it?
What is there to talk about?
Mom's gone, Channing thinks
I'm an irresponsible love addict,
and you... you told the love of my life
that I cheated on her,
after which she walked out on me.
Forever!
So, no, Doug, I don't really feel like
talking to you right now.
You said I was boring.
I had to defend myself.
Better stop before it goes too far...
You can't hate me forever.
Family forgives.
No matter what.
Sometimes I feel like...
I'm sorry I called you a man baby.
It was mean.
I'm sorry that I said
your books are too long.
That's not true.
They're just the right size.
And the dialogue wooden?
-Hmm?
-Well, you said
too long and the dialogue is wooden.
-You remember?
-Yeah.
And I just said
they're not too long at all.
Just the right length.
Don't you know
that I love you?
Sometimes I feel like...
Channing?
You think I'm gonna end up alone?
No.
-You've got us.
-Yeah.
Till you all forget me on the side
of the road like our own mother.
Oh, God.
We really can be the worst.
That fell down here to lay...
- You all right?
- Yeah.
- "Great kids"?
- Yes, yes!
-That's it! You got it! Yeah, that's it!
-I did? Oh, my God!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yes, yes, yes!
-Fantastic.
-Oh, my God.
Sixty-three thousand one hundred dollars.
Oh, my God.
Congratulations!
Oh, my God. What?
-Okay, car leaves in 30 minutes.
-Hey.
Who are you?
I'm Trish from The Zazzy Tims Show.
Oh, you do not look ready yet.
Oh, please come in.
The car leaves in 30 minutes,
and we really got to move.
I doubt she has shoes, so if we could
please get those Jimmy Choos on her.
Fix this stuff in her hair. It's kind of--
What's all the-- What's going on?
Did you not check your phone?
Zazzy wants you back on the show today.
Happy Boxing Day.
Have we got a great show for you.
We have a live in-studio performance by
the incredible band the bird and the bee,
and Emeril Lagasse is back to show us
how to make a gumbo
that'll kick us right into the new year.
But first, by popular demand,
we are bringing back
the most relatable mama in America,
Claire Clauster!
-Great to see you again.
-Oh.
Great to see you, too, Zazzy.
Now, for those of you just tuning in,
Claire's family forgot her
on Christmas Eve.
Can you believe that?
But the funny thing is a lot of women
have connected to your story.
Can you tell me why that is?
Um, I bet a lot of women probably feel...
overlooked, Zazzy.
Mm-hmm.
-Unappreciated.
-That's right.
Taken for granted, you know.
That's pretty much year-round.
I'd say during the holidays most of all.
You know, it's just all
the behind-the-scenes stuff that moms do
so that everyone can have a good time.
It's a lot of work to have fun.
Yeah, and somebody's got to do that work.
And, well, most of them
don't want to do it,
and, you know,
they just don't want to step up.
So true.
You know who steps up?
-Moms.
-Moms.
- Moms.
- And...
...I miss my mom so much.
And I really wish that
instead of rolling my eyes...
...thinking she was silly, that I...
I-I just said those three little words
that mean so much to moms.
"I love you."
"Can I help?"
Oh.
And then I'd just give her a big bear hug
while I still had the chance,
because, you know, all she was trying
to do was make things joyous for us,
and there is nothing silly about joy.
Wow.
Well...
that was so beautiful, Carmen.
-Claire.
-But guess what.
We are not done yet,
because we have an in-studio surprise,
a Zazzy Tims exclusive.
They've traveled through the night,
and we convinced them to come on the show.
A group of people I think we can all agree
owe you a big, huge apology!
- Hey.
- Sorry, Grandma Claire.
Hey, hon.
Hi. Hey.
-How are you? We're so sorry.
-I'm okay.
- They're the Clauster family!
- Oh, hey.
-We're sorry.
-We love you, Mom.
Yes!
- We're sorry.
- Hi, Channing.
- Hey, Mom.
- Oh, my goodness.
Reunited right here on the show.
Don't go away.
When we're back,
we've got the bird and the bee.
And cut to commercial!
Back in five!
We're moving it to our stage.
- Honey, you look so great.
- Oh, thanks. Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
We're so sorry about this whole thing.
-Yeah, it was nice seeing you all.
-Yeah.
Enjoy the sun,
if you're into that sort of thing.
Where you going, hon?
This has been
a nice little publicity stunt and all,
but... what's really changed?
I'm sorry you came all this way,
but Mom's closed up shop.
For good. Peace out, y'all.
Is she allowed to do that?
I don't know. I think she's-- Hon?
Mom?
Mom?
What is going on?
I-I just, I just--
I wasn't expecting that, you know?
Well, I know. They reached out to us.
It was all very last-minute.
We were going for grand gesture.
Yeah, well, I don't know.
Maybe I'm just not quite done
being mad yet.
I-I get that.
The last three days have...
-been a lot.
-I know.
For us, too.
Y-You're right. We-we didn't support you.
You asked us to do this one thing for you,
and we completely ignored it,
which is terrible.
I mean, it's-it's unforgivable.
And I'm... well, I'm so sorry, truly.
And I know that what I said about
doing the holidays separately next year,
it hurt your feelings.
And I'm sorry about that, too.
But... well, sometimes I want
to have my own special traditions.
With my family, you know?
Is that so wrong?
No, honey.
There's nothing wrong with that at all.
It's just that... sometimes...
...I feel like
you don't support me, either.
And I... I just had to say that.
'Cause it's like
you're so in awe of Taylor.
I mean, I mean, we all are.
And-and... you still act like
Sammy is a baby.
Uh, don't get me wrong.
I'm glad, but-but I have a family
and a career I love,
and I'm actually doing pretty okay at it.
You just brush right over all of it.
Like it doesn't even matter.
I think maybe, subconsciously, if you,
if you weren't gonna be impressed by me,
then I-I wasn't gonna be impressed by you.
The-the truth is your...
your opinion means...
it means more to me than anything.
Anything.
My Little Bean.
I am so impressed with you
there aren't even words.
I don't know,
maybe I'm-I'm-I'm afraid of, um,
if I tell you that, that...
if I let the cat
out of the bag, that...
then you'll know
that you don't need me anymore...
...and I'll lose you.
Yeah, maybe that's it.
I think that's what it is.
Uh, that's my biggest fear.
And maybe I'm always
gonna need you to need me
just... a tiny little bit.
Is that so wrong?
You'll never lose me, Mom.
I'm sorry.
Honey? You there?
Honey, you in there?
There we go.
Too many broken hearts
have fallen in the river
Too many lonely souls
have drifted out to sea
You lay your bets...
Ah, honey, I was so scared.
Oh, don't be dramatic.
-No--
-You weren't going to starve to death.
You could always make yourself a sandwich.
No, no, no, that's not it.
See...
40 years ago, I caught my luckiest break,
and I swore to myself if I got you,
I would never take it for granted.
And... come to find out,
complacency snuck up on me.
-Right?
-Mm.
So thank you for the wake-up call,
and I want you to know
that wh-what you do for us,
for all of us...
...is never behind-the-scenes.
You think you're gonna break up
Then she says she wants to make up
Ooh, you made me love you
Ooh, you've gone away
Ooh, you had me crawling
up the wall
Like walking in the rain and the snow
when there's nowhere to go
and you're feeling like
a part of you is dying
And you're looking for
the answer in her eyes
You think you're gonna break up
Then she says she wants to make up...
Sammy, hi.
Mae-bell. How'd you get in here?
Oh, my friend Brian has an internship
with the art department.
-He snuck me in.
-Okay.
Cool.
Anyway, I saw your mom on Zazzy,
and ever since then,
I've been thinking about us nonstop.
That was, like, half an hour ago.
I know, and I immediately texted Brian
and jumped in an Uber.
It's just, Sammy,
I wish I knew how to quit you.
-Isn't that from Brokeback Mountain?
-It doesn't matter.
What matters is I came here because
when you realize you want to spend
the rest of your life with somebody--
Sorry. My phone.
The things we do for love,
the things we do for love
The things we do for love...
...you want the rest of your life
to start as soon as possible.
Sorry, what?
I said, when you realize you want to spend
the rest of your life with somebody--
Oh, yeah.
That's, uh, uh, When Harry Met Sally...
Oh, congrats, Sammy,
you watch a lot of movies.
I'm saying we should get back together.
You know what? I think it's okay.
We're probably better off this way.
You will be fine. I will, too.
Oh, my God,
are you breaking up with me now?
No, you definitely broke up with me first.
Hug it out?
The things we do for love
Blessings.
So, Channing got to have
her Christmas ski trip,
and we all came along as well...
Lawn inflatables in the yard,
December's got my tinsel tangled...
...as did Sammy and his new love,
which means...
the Cardigan Queen
is still never far away.
I'm so happy our families could do
this ski trip together.
Yeah, me, too, Jeanne. Me, too.
-Blessings!
-Blessings.
It is nice to try new things.
Mind, some old habits do persist.
Guys, guys, everybody,
this is my new girlfriend Serena!
Welcome to the family!
Shake, shake, shake the snow globe...
But you know what?
The whole family used
those three little words,
and I had so much help that
they shooed me away for a little me time.
This Christmas...
Don't worry.
I'll head back inside in a minute.
But until then...
cheers, moms.
May your hearts always be full
this time of year,
even if your stockings aren't.
Merry Christmas.
-Merry, merry
-Ho!
-Very, very
-Ho!
Very merry Christmas
-Merry, merry
-Ho!
-Very, very
-Ho!
Very merry Christmas
-Merry, merry
-Ho!
-Very, very
-Ho!
Very merry Christmas
I heard the bells on Christmas Day
Their old familiar carols play
and wild and sweet the words repeat
of peace on Earth
goodwill to men
I thought how
-as the day had come
-The day had come
the belfries of all Christendom
had rolled along
the unbroken song
of peace on Earth
goodwill
to men
Oh!
Welcome to my Christmas song
I'd like to thank you for the year
So I'm sending you this Christmas card
to say, "It's nice to have you here"
I'd like to sing about all the things
your eyes and mind can see
So hop aboard the turntable
Oh, step into Christmas with me, yeah
Step into Christmas,
let's join together
We can watch the snow fall
forever and ever
Eat, drink and be merry,
come along with me
Step into Christmas,
the admission is free
Take care in all you do next year
and keep smiling through the days
If we can help to entertain you
oh, we will find the ways
So merry Christmas, one and all
There's no place I'd rather be
than asking you if you'd oblige
stepping into Christmas with me
Step into Christmas,
let's join together
We can watch the snow fall
forever and ever
Eat, drink and be merry,
come along with me
Step into Christmas,
the admission is free
Welcome to my Christmas song
I'd like to thank you for the year
So I'm sending you this Christmas card
to say, "It's nice to have you here"
I'd like to sing about all the things
your eyes and mind can see
So hop aboard the turntable
Oh, step into Christmas with me, yeah
Step into Christmas,
let's join together
We can watch the snow fall
forever and ever
Eat, drink and be merry,
come along with me
Step into Christmas,
the admission is free
Oh
Step into Christmas
-Let's join together
-Let's join together
We can watch the snow fall
forever and ever
Eat, drink and be merry
-Come along with me
-Oh, come along
Step into Christmas,
the admission is free