Oliver, Stoned. (2014) Movie Script

welcome to Oxnard California
population two hundred thousand
it's a city with very diverse culture
the popular local catchphrase
is going hard in the 'nard
this maybe a tribute that Oxnard's not above average crime-ry
very crime has a victim and
ever victim has story of strength, struggle, love
this is the tale of Oliver Barns and
it begins with Oliver
[music plays]
well, hi there sexy lady
welcome, please select the wash
[speaks Chinese]
son of a bitch
oh fuck
yo Oliver
what the f' is going on here, bro?
why is interior of Acura soaked?
no that's the part of dangerous package
don't bullshit me, dawg
I know you're out enjoy riding this car
you took this to hand ,free of Victoria , didn't you?
yeah, if I paid for it so who cares
are you high?
then why your eyes are so red
uh, the shampoo,....
[blows raspberry] shot at face
you see space between my finger?
that space represent how close you're being fired.
that's for shizzle, my man!
so sorry you had to see that.
I thought I was speeding the process by getting car washed first.
I didn't know miss Jones lest the sunroof open
-I can't be blame for that
-ofcourse you can't be blame for that, you cant be blame for anything
that the magic of Oliver
never responsible for his actions
who thinks the car get washed with windows down
alright, fine, I'll do better, um
why don't you put me on the phones
forget it, you'd be calling for pizzas ,checking the correct time
here, you know what?
hit the streets!
oh, dad why am I on flier duty?
you need to start take advantage of
the opportunity that you given
'cus if you don't , mark my words
they will disappear
oh, and Oliver
-could you please call me Jeff
the whole dad thing makes me out
to be kinda old and weird
you know, cus we're a
dangerously cool dudes
[chair noises] 'kay
is this broke?
did you send my chair?
com'on down the dangerous details
danger is in the detail
first visit free
-oh excuse me miss
-I'm not interested
are you sure? I'm very detail oriented, I'll do good job
fine, I'll take one but only cus my boyfirend
drives a really bitchin' car
yeah, we don't really do free details for your boyfirend
-no, c'mon man, shit
-the devil
the devil is the detail, you get you're whole slogan ass backwards
have some pride in your marketing
-well, it's not my slogan, it's my dad's, it's his comapny
-what you got there, chief
you probably shoudn't partake seeing as how you working and all
-yeah, well
yolo, it's something right
I love you yolo
how is he?
he's good
-would you say hello for me
sure man, whatever you say budd
you know, what?
I see alot of myself in you
the way you carry yourself
oh, yeah, how so
well, I don't normally like to
dispense advice here on bench
it's not safe, um
but if you wanna come back with me to my tent
I can probably teach you a thing or two
-about life
screw that, I got dreams to follow
I have dreams
but what
life is good
c'mon, who's gonna get it
who's gonna get it
who are you?
why do you have ladder?
oh, you guys are the painters
works, hold on
that shit's really hard to paint, like all the lines are really strange
I always wanted me something like paint brush
and what you do with that
what's in the India like?
is it, is it spicey?
oh, you guys forgot your paint
romantic ram??? what the,
hey, hey, that's my joint.
he wore skinny jeans
my father wear skinny jeans, we
nothing, you don't think that's kinda strange, right?
are you guy wear a bat?
let me show you my skateboard
I'm okay
-yo, Benson, I have an emergency.
-my favorite drug dealer
-weed dealer
-what's up with those guys?
-they are my new Indian friends
I don't really had them break to the language barrier yet
so I just call 'em dagger and bloodline
hey, do you have any more that platinum blue dream that I love?
-sorry, I all out.
-seriously you're kidding me, right?
do I ever lie?
did you cry dyractium for dream?
-why your dad leaved your mom?
-she left him, I blame myself
was there ever a time in your life you think you're gay?
not fully, but I sense bi-curiosity in high school.
-what inch is your penis?-3 and half inches
-what, how do get so much action?
-it's not the size of dog, it's how you walk it.
it's been very revealing morning
-come on in
-thank you, why are you of work?
it's the strangest thing, Jeff just gave me the day off
c'mon, man, you're afraid to wake up one day
all old and alone wishing you had family and kids
babys to kick it with
hell, no, I'm not a commitment guy
I swim solo like a
that doesn't sound like shark to me
bet you got some secrets hidden away
truth's out there, man
I live a life of transparency to set an example
an example that the human race
should treat one another
yeah, I am leading a movemont to truth
you should join us
I'm serious, I bet the government
you know government is keeping record all of stuff you do in internet?
I bet that the NSA has more info on you
that a stazi had on east Germans
you better not seen on that coach smoking weed with those mexicans
shit, hide that stuff, quick, grab it
-oh, hey, jeniffer, what's up?
-what's up?
fuck you,that's what's up.
how many times I've told you not to smoke
with these Mexican painters
totally Indian
how are you even confusing us to?
we are payning them by the hour
you're litrealy, costing me money right now.
yeah, that's right you enchilada tikka masalas
let's go, let's get out here, c'mon
you know, when you pay people in hourly rate, they're tend to take their time
speatialy when you treat'em like shit
then maybe you're lazy ass
shouldn't gotten up
actually done something around here,oh like,I don't know
painted the house
let's not having dick showing contest
I bet you spend all day at club house pool, am I right?
f you, Olive, I have errands to run, for Jeff.
oh, in a bathing suit
face it you do last than I do
oh, I seriously doubt that
I'm the head of marketing and
offical spokesmodel
[snaps] at dangerous details we're ripped through the competition
we pick up detail and leave your vehicle at top speed
for lighening cheap prices
call us today
you get you first detail free
come on down to dangerous details
where the danger is in
the detail
bitch please don't act that you run this place
you selpt with my dad for his money
we all know you had sex with Benson
senior year for some coke
it's true,those were some dark days!
[doors shut]
better not bail on work to sit on that couch
smoke weed with your loser friend Benson
hey, look at that banging babe
you're fresht, cus I'm gonna take to lauch girl
-on the way to launch
-okay, fine but I'am picking
why don't I ever get to pick?
cus, I have better taste in foot
oh, Benson, what's up bro?
oh, slowly
can I get Oliver alone for a minute? outside
sure, whatever
what we will do next
little lines blood
I'll ask him thunderthought, winner
look Oliver
I've been talking with Jenn and this arrangement is not working
what arrangement?
you, work, the house
you're not take any of it serious
it's time for you to go stay with your mother
have some mom time, wouldn't that be nice?
fuck that
Tuscan's a hellhole
I have one bad day, I've slipped off, I can get back on my feet
you've had serveral bad day
and you know what I don't see you doing anything to fix it
I've been living the dream,you know, what made you think I can't keep count
it's not my fault, it's the economy, you know outsourcing
everything's going robotic now
you know social networking has literally changed the game
alright enogh excuses
I need you to get all stuff together, so you can be out by end of next week
please dad, I mean
please Jeff don't send me to Tuscan
I've fuck up fliers, and I know that milf's car
but I can do better, just give me more shot to show my value
we're the dangerously cool guys, right?
you fucked up the fliers, how did you fucked up the fliers
you just had to hand 'em out
okay, get up, c'mon get up, enough with theatrics
stop being such pussy bro
the ms road call the butters frigging Mercury okay
she want's the whole dangerous package
-the answer is yes
anything but Tuscan
I don't wanna see you at all this weekend, you got it?
Jennifer and I need a little alone time, haven't been physical in awhile
so i need you to hook a brother up, okay?
is that a deal?
(promise me)is so good
this is like the best, this is probably
is top
five best weed I ever smoked
hey, that's reminds me, your dad's a dick
Jennifer's a racist, that shit hurt my feelings, okay
yo, I don't really think they understand your profession
or you for that matter you're a complicated guy
they don't have to make fun of me, that's what I saying
I'm sorry Ben, I walk angels with that dude
-you want this
-nah, thanks, I'm good
plus you really need it more than I do anyway
sorry, dude.
[imitates explosion]
-outside handle
-I got it
olvier, my sweet, thanks for coming on such short notice
oh, not a problem ma'am,it's my job after all
you know what I mean?
-I sure do
-well, here's the car
this thing's super sweet
what's the need for dangerous details
if you must know I had small fling with hot young ticket
and we spread love juice on the backseat
oh, I wish he were as masculine as you sweet thing
that is pretty disgusting
I'll see what I can do, when do you need it by?
Monday, my husband coming back
and he will flip his lid if he finds another man's DNA on the backseat
if you know what I mean?
-I do
you made that quite clear
Oliver you're such sweet boy
say, do you think I can get 50 bucks up front
I need to get special leather scrubbed for that interior
I love ice cream
shut the fuck up, cus I
cus I'm working today, this is supposed to be my day off
oh, that's my fault
you can find your own damn right of a party, cus I'm done doing your shit
yo, what's this dude's deal? is he selling ice cream or what?
you, what up? homie
this dude hella pissed, been screaming at his phone for 30 minutes
piece of shit, you know what? I'm done buy your ...
face makeup okay? so f you dad.
what you dickheads want?
yeah, hi, I know this might be a strange request
but you have a beef sticks or slim jims
this is a ice cream truck not a meat wagon
look baby D, just bust out for 'em chaco tacos
me and homie got the munchies like Mf'r right now
alright, I got three, so 6 bucks
can you give'm, dawg
I'll hit your (last night ??) paycheak
oh, sure
can you break a 50?
what the f this look like? (walmoo)???
I can't take a fifty, go get some change
can I get change for fifty?
are you buy anything here?
yo, you little puck ass
the liquor store has the same ice cream for have to ....
you in there? ice cream driver
I was just starting to like the guy too
you know only it's takes almost 2 seconds jimmy the lock on Mercury
and another fifteen to get started
over hundred cars are stolen every weeks
most of witch never returned to their owners
what fuck did I do?
yeah I need to talk to my friend Benson
do you have a lastname sir?
he never told me
could you ran off a few options?
not sure I'm allowed to say
I'm fucking high
what's the number for the cops?
that would be 911, sir.
-can you describe the vehicle?
there was a 55 Mercury.
you know the model?
-I'm not a fucking engineer
it was a vintage car and have love stains in the backseat
how many of those old Mercury driving around?
you don't like the type of guy that be driving classic car
you more look like a bike guy
-are sure missing a bike?
no fuck you.
I wasn't riding a bike
I never learned how
so you got an incomplete childhood
-are you high?
I've been cry for the stupid car
what's that in your pocket?
-it's nothing
it's a tumor
here, hold this one for me, will you?
hey, what are you ding? its not my fire
oh, my, my
look what we have here.
that's not mine
[sniffs] purple urbpall
used to smoke dupe like these back in the 80s
c'mon man, I worked hard for that.
get the f out.
wait, what about the car?
we probably won't find it, but if we hear anything
we'll give you a call.
can I get a ride?
[tires screeching]
yo, chocolate Chaco Taco.
did you see someone go down by the ice cream truck?
oh, what up? homie
you dressed mister dog
better hell you give a free treats for everyone.
do you take the car I was driving?
oh, man, you got a car?
for, you should get me a ride to state park.
no, what?
my car was stolen, did you see who took it?
I don't know.
I don't really pay a attention to things.
damn it!
you seem upset.
I am
I'm fucking pissed
my highness wearing off.
oh, you smoke?
that's cool, uh
do you wanna go burn a bar??
oh, my goodness, I'd love to.
right' on, brother.
[fake cough]
you've got some good shit?
have any sh...
I don't have any shit, you're the ...
you at ...
hey, my bad bro
that was a communical misunderstanding.
bu dude, we should get back at that fool for taking your weed
take his ice cream.
I should've steal the whole f'ing truck
oh, there you go big dawg.
now that is a MF'ing come up
he steals your weed and you steal his ride.
pay it forward
dumbass, he didn't even get a chaco taco .
damn it.
what the fuck?
take two.
shit, shit
welcome back to machine treason.
for those of you who just tuning in
our weekend topic is the ununki
a shape shifting (abrasive??) reptilian
humanoid hiding in plain sight
as our world leaders
are they real?
let's go for Mark Calloway from Fort Worth, Texas
I believe that these dinosaursoid lives under Ground
they're using earth core as heat source like a the second son
well, I ... [knocking on the door]
Benson, it's Oliver, I'm freaking out, I need you
uh, Mark Calloway from Texas, I have to call you back.
they have some military base on dark side of the moon.
if you pot my
machine treason, protecting mankind from
the Man
we will return shortly.
fuck man.
come on man just let me in
okay aside from terorizeing my podcast
what the hell doing in my house?
this isn't a pickup service, deliveries only
what's it to do with those girls?
they're my employees, I had to hire trusted helps for you know, my crops
why are they wearing any cloths?
they aren't trusted in 'em, it's like new jack city in here.
just, get inside.
alright, let me get this straight.
you baked out of your mind
your car gets jacked, you call the five-o
a cop beats your ass
and then you just think, hey
I'm gonna steal this ice cream truck.
it's always your saying man
this is some conspiracy theory shit
what if it was Jennifer
what if she set me up, no
you should put that in your show
I seriously doubt it was Jennifer, okay
hold on, are you sure your not followed?
I mean, the police know you're short on herbage.
what if it is some kinda sting operation?
-no, relax, I wasn't followed
[knocks on the door] uhhh
that was a fucking cop knock man.
how do you know?
because it was five solid fist knock man
1 2 3 4, my shit
do you hate me right now?
okay, just
alright, everybody act natural.
I need to find some kind of disguise.
how the hell are you?
are you diver of ice cream truck?
no, who wants to know?
me, Megan
the driver of that scooter over there.
ohhhh, shit
I'm already late to work and that's my only motive transportation
come on inside.
it's anna towala, Megan, Twilighla
so ...
so what?
did you destroy my scooter?
yeah, I did
are you okay?
I'm not okay.
you ran over my scooter with your ice cream truck, how I supposed to feel?
yeah, I'm having a shitty day too.
I'm supposed to fix this milf's car ....
yeah, yeah, I don't care about your problems.
just need to ride to work.
like I said,I got a lot going right now, you know so
I've got this tax return thing and the this file and it's already may
I gotta do karate, so I've got stuff
-okay, fine
we'll just file police report then.
oh, okay, uh, let's cool your jets, lady.
uh, Oliver, can I speak to you for a
it is exactly the opportunity that you looking for, okay
it's time to step up to the plate
there's girl out there, she needs your help
you could be her JFK
I know,she nice, she nice
but it's now's the worse time than ever to think about starting family
I mean, look at the middle east
and public schools, and the economy
I can't take her to Tuscan.
what the fuck are you talking about?
you don't start a family, you just taking here to work.
you destroy only a motive transportation
it's at least you can do
as a bonus
maybe you could (nava??)have her number
-I can do that
-you can do that
so, uh, may
I'm Oliver
so do you live around here?
I live in same apartment complex as your friend.
uhh, that explains the moped being parked there, uh?
it's a scooter.
so, what do you do for work?
I'm a Batista at (halls??) coffee
oh, that's sound's awesome
it's not!
and I already missed most of my shifts
you could harry up, that would be great.
oh, okay
lock it up, pedal to the metal
stop right there
it get a little a wide, it's a wide turn
what uh, what are you writing in there.
it's nothing
looks a lot of words
it's just something I'm working on
don't think you'd understand
oh, yeah, try me!
it's Veronica Mars and fiction
oh, yeah,yeah, that's a detective show
with girl form "forgetting sarah marshall"
what's it about?
well, in this one Veronica teams up with pchers
and they uncover murder mystery
and she fell in love with vivle
it's silly, but, I really like it
I can stand behind silly
so I just call you for my scooter?
funny story about that, maybe
I should just get your number
some kinda of rough situation here
I just lost my phone earlier today, so
again, I'm really sorry and I promise to make it up to you
just don't screw me okay?
I'll try not to.
you know what time it is? late
that's what time it is
dude, you better think twice before yell at my friend Megan here
it's my turn
she's a hard worker
she's early everyday and she stays late every night
she's your f'ing anchor
you need watch it, we've got families here
you know we had the highest sales of the year, last month
are you gonna ignore that
are you gonna ignore the quarterly reports?
you know what, if you fire her.
you're gonna have to fire me too.
I'm so sorry, I really thought that was gonna work.
if it's any help, I'm pretty sure I'm getting fired on Monday
how that would be any help?
I don't know how I'm going to pay my rent.
don't know how you're gonna fix my scooter.
yo, many dude?
what can I do for you?
-are you here for business?
oh I am not really ice cream vendor
sorry, that's a bit misleading
you sitting outside of ice cream truck.
why don't you guys selling?
why aren't we selling?
ice cream for sale.
push pop.
yeah, there you go.
you know, boo, we're there.
there you go, ms Patrick, you stay at school.
so, how do we do?
thinking about 98 dollars
so, five more days like this and
we should be able to repair my scooter
you know you're a pretty good ice cream salesman
do you need an assistant?
I would love an assistant
if this was my real job.
but it's not
I supposed to detail a car today.
and it got stolen
and I was like panicking and freaked out, so I stole this truck
I'm pretty sure the person who stole
my car
was the same guy driving this truck
does that makes sense?
so you're a screw-up and a thief
yeah, just like a little bit, though
why don't we team up anyway?
we can sell some ice cream and
I'll help you find the car
I mean you don't have to do that
I can just drop you at your house
no, honestly, that's the last place I wanna be right now
plus I've seen every episode of Veronica Mars
so I'm pretty well prepared
so you said the guy that stole your car, was driving this ice cream truck
yeah, I'm pretty sure
why don't we go to his house and paying a little visit
okay, that's fine and dandy, but, how do you know where he lives
oh this house matches the ice cream truck pretty well
yeah, I think we found the fit
uh, yes, sorry, we're
looking for devon, have you seen him?
I haven't seen him
he's six dated years
are you blind?
that's my lady, you want come inside?
I have very sexually active imagination
you both come inside
yeah, I don't think we're gonna do that
can you just tell us where's devon is, please?
I'm not telling you anything unless, you do something
for me
alright, what do want from us?
oh god, I don't want anything from you boy
just the girl
[whispering] I would so like to squish your titty nipples
what? c'mon, what's the issue?
he wants to touch my ...
uh oh
[whispering] just go with ...
yeah, okay
og god, it's perfect
I can't get pect out already
you strong
are you work out? I can feel it.
yeah I'd do the elliptical twice a week
oh wonderful, you're fuzzy.
oh god you're like frigging butlack, beep beep
okay, that's enough
just tell us where devon is please.
guy were always he is, hanging out
skate park, park ....
okay, we're gonna go, thank you.
that guy's pretty friggin' creepy
do you think you should leaving the truck
the heck no, we're having an adventure
besides, he's blind he won't know we have it anyway
sorry, dudes, back in five
okay so what this guy look like?
uh, he's kinda ayoung
he's angry
he used to sell ice cream
maybe something more visual
I think I know this one
yo chco chaco nice board slide, my man.
what's up homie? eh
you think you can give a ride somewhere real quick
we pick out (along) some roast beef
no, what is wrong with you?
have you seen that devon kid that driving ice cream truck
oh, baby
yeah, he's right over there, dawg
yo, Devon
bring that micro cock over here.
who's this?
-my homies wanna talk to you
it's good
did you steal my car?
no, what?
is your dad a blind clown?
he's a face penny alcoholic
and he's two setps away from home, yeah, but
he's definitely not blind
you're lucky I didn't call the cops for stealing my ice cream truck
yeah, why didn't anybody call the cops?
why not somebody call the f'ing the cops?
cus I've seen 'em
yeah, yeah, eveybody leave me alone before I flip the fuck out
alright, calm down there, you little whipper-snapper
you wanna smoke up?
oh, shit homie
that sounds Taco Bell
au naturally, I assumed the (jager??) kid drives ice cream truck
was the same dude stole my car
that's makes sense.
that shit adds up
how is that shit adds up?
well, we got the truck, maybe you guys got some (tea??) intel.
you wanna make a trade?
dude, no deal man.
that f'ing truck ruined every summer vacation
I've had since I was 16 years old
honestly, getting it stolen, was the best thing happened to me
I all do now, man sit all day
smoke weed, slay hot chicks
chick to dicks
crying in this bowl, actually
guys, at the crime
did you see anyone who look suspicious?
uh, well there was this one big guy
he was pretty big, like a
like Randy Orton big, that's like a big show
oh, yeah, that fool was huge he had mohawk
yeah, dude, he had braid too,he was bad as hell
-wait, he had a mohawk and braids
know what was he has on his neck
it's like a tatto or something, it's like a
pyramid or Egypt or some shit
nah, man, it was all seeing eye
yeah, dude, it was all seeing eye
you mean like this?
-yeah, just like that
we have a clue.
we have a lead
now what?
let's go see your friend Benson
he seemed like popular type
yo yo, wait wait,let me get one of (puts?) 'em push pop before you leave
-alright, c'mon
alright, here we go
there you go.
enjoy and stay at school, okay?
I'm not ready for school yet
ot yet?
when do you start?
I don't know
oh, alright
well, I see you later.
hey, Megan
I just wanna say thank you.
for everything
I mean, if it wasn't for you I
I probably be packing for a one way trip
to the second worst place on earth
where's the second worst place on earth?
Tuscan, Arizona
where's the first worst place on earth?
that blind clown house.
well, if you're up to me, you don't get to stay here
we have yet to find the car.
yeah, but
that almost just possible now
thank you for that
we have that now.
you're high
this is where things get weird
my organization has reason to believe that
the royal family in our presence all
reptilian, alien, overlords.
[knocks on the door]
uh, Mark from Texas, I gotta put you on hold again.
but a bit a way we're just getting their plan for world domination
I know, I'm sorry
I'm really, really, sorry
c'mon, it's me Oliver
and Megan
Oliver, I told you shouldn't come here anymore
and why are you let it work?
I'm sorry to come in and out lately
I have some really good information
great information, we need you take a look at it
tell me what you think
I don't know what I'm looking at
it's look like a native American Mr. [knocks on the door]
you expecting somebody
then who be coming this late?
it's your drug dealer?
-weed dealer
-weed dealer
and I only do deliveries.
oh, this is bad
what who is it?
you have an ex-boyfriend?
it's long story
and she's kind of loud
we should have conversation about that
you know what, how about
having a conversation in the girls room, okay?
it not better be a cop
yeah, just
what up? chief.
nice place
what's that smell?
you got a pet skunk or something?
what you what?
I'm looking for my girl friend Megan
that's her scooter spread out on the lawn.
about yea big, little blond girl
I mean totally fake blond, but still hot
little squirrely, seen her?
yeah, I've seen her.
did you seen here, today?
yeah saw her today
what the hell is your deal?
you're stoned right now.
no, I don't get stoned for my podcast
paranoia gets to me.
you should check it out actually
it's machine-treason.com
fuck your podcast, bro
looking for Megan, you've seen her or what?
she was here then she left
where did she go?
she went to work.
I went by her work, she wasn't there
she came back
what's he doing?
-he can't lie
so she's here?
a person
may or may not be in this facility.
what the hell are you saying to me right now?
are you fucking with me?
no, no, I'm not, really not.
I'm gonna ask you one last time
where is my girlfriend?
she's inside of overium, it's room full of aquariums
I have turtles and snakes and it's also doubles cannabis grow room
she's in there with unmotivated ??? so that may or may not
be having sex with her, I'm not really sure about that just yet
and there's also two half naked women who I have not sex with
but I've been fooling the tension feeling for the numbers of days
you don't have to be a dickhole, bro
a simple she's not here
would have sufficed.
you know the problem with this country is right now?
I do a whole podcast on that
dickhole stoners
like you
the hippies lost
drink it in, suck it up
and build some credit while you're at it
alright, loser
I'll work on that
yeah, f your mother.
man, screw that bro-bag
no offense
that's okay
he's a real Angelina Bro-lie
broly??? one canoby???
Pabl-ro Picass-bro
bro-fessor x
oh, wait, wait
alright, alright,
I don't mean to be a bad host
but you all need to leave
I'm trying to figure out if our present
is actually an ailein overlord
spent on slaving the entire human race
wait, what about our car thief?
have you seen this guy in your drug travels?
weed travels
and that's look like he was drawn by
a forth-grader on high-speed car chase
why don't you trying to go the internet
and like doing your own like actual research
can we use your machine?
no you can't use my machine
I'm in the middle of live-stream podcast
why don't use your own computer in your own house
so, your friend Benson
is kind of jerk
yeah he's a dick
yeah, I wouldn't say that, it's just a little rude
oh, crap
I'm sorry, I really thought that's gonna work
okay here we go
got it, okay
alright, here it is
is this storage?
hah, very funny
if I've known I was having a company
I would've made an effort to clean up a little bit
oh, yeah
it's really
thank you.
is that
having sex, okay
yeah, that's my roommate, it's right above us
I think they have the computer
I'll be right back
are you in there?
Oliver, get the night off
get the hell out of here
Jeff, Jennifer
just need the computer and I'll be out of your hair
go away Oliver
your computer's broken
c'mon, I just need the computer, slide it under the door
I'll be out of your hair
I got important business shit to take care of
I thinks it's bed???
oh dad
oh what the fuck
stay the hell away from me
oh so close
oh, shit
we've got sex water on the bed
get the hell of me you busted Annie Oakley
or I'll tell dad you have sex with Benson
you wouldn't.
why I wouldn't? you fucking suck
oh my goodness
you scared me.
is everything okay up there, I heard noises
oy, everything's fine
what are you, snooping through my stuff for
yes, sorry
I just figured I am in a garage
in the middle of night with guy I never met
and watched all the Saw movies, so
what is that?
that's my smoking apparatus
it's taking me over 11 years to acquire
it's pretty beautiful, uh?
I wouldn't really know
[blows raspberry]
are you telling me you're a hip chick?
who writes fan fiction
in a leather bound journal
that used to work at this coffee shop
has never smoke pot
I never smoked anything, okay?
I mean, I just didn't
ride with those type of social circles, you know.
what's it like?
I'll give you a crash course
oh, hi there
this is a bud of marijuana
for centuries mankind has worked
to create purest strains with the most
vivid highs
now although there's at least complex
joints probably most iconic smoking method
without getting even burn you gotta break up the bud
and to do that, I'd like to use
a grinder
now, before I was old enough to buy bulnsir???
papers I was using a couple low tech method
apples are the tasty way to smoke
but it could be awkward
as alternative, some kid smoking out of cans
then we have our glassware
the cornerstone in every smokers collection
the possibilities are endless
this includes
and, uh, ooh
and, um, uh
um, what's a bubbler?
that's very good question.
it's bong pipe hydrator.
very effective
just don't rest it on his side
with most glass pieces you have to work the carburetor
this little hole let's you expire an oxygen
to get just a perfect amount of burn
if you looking to biggest height of weed conservation ratio
the waterfall method worth to gander
perfect suction
then we get our high tech stuff
like a vaporizer
it vaporize the pot so breath pure THC
quick high, no smoke
you know a lot about stuff.
so you think you wanna try some?
uh, it's tempting
but no I'm good
c'mon, don't you do something about wanting to go on an adventure
and try new things
yeah, but
but, this is the opportunity to try something new
c'mon pick a piece
well, the bubbler was kinda cute.
-alright, you ready
just breathe in
alright, now hold in
and exhale
[coughs] oh, man
the taste's weird
you're feeling it yet?
I heard it doesn't work the first time
oh, you're wrong girl
we want you at biggerday
you can get out ever
stuck here for life
it's true
gotta go with that
did you see that?
this was a unique experience for Veronica
an agent of danger
a mistress of mayhem
she's a bad bitch
can't mess with her
what if? need blue pen
is you blue eyes
oh yeah
it is so amazing
you thought to be professional, like a
professional guitar player
had she ever been in love
it's female a fanciable fiction
has she?
we don't know?
oh wait
I got something
you're gonna flip the shit over
wait, wait, wait,
we've forgotten about our internet research
it's funny how it takes only one event for the world to change
Pearl Harbor, the San Francisco earthquake
and canceling bob sponge square pants
it's only altered the course of human history
this may sound disastrous
but as we saw all with Oliver and Megan
the greatest adversities
can lead to new opportunities
good morning
oh, moring
you sleep like a bear
I don't mean a hibernating one
you make all sorta growly noises
what happened last night
we climbed the Himalaya's, made out
watched "Donald Duck mathland"
you drew this picture of us
you did must of work but I did sharpie on the boobies
so what? John G
raped and murdered my
wife on my chest
that was me, I did really like the movie "memento"
but, it was really hard to write backwards
so I just went for the standard variation
okay, where are my cloths and why does it smell weird in here?
oh, yeah
you decided to take all cloths off
and rub icey huddle??? of your body
you're passed out truly there after
oh my god
did we had sex?
was that an option?
remind me to never smoke weed ever again
but, check this out
I went on inter-webs and type all seeing eye tattoo
aux nard into google and I found this chick
apparently she just tattooed some dude
with same skin art chaco taco and baby dee
and I were talking about
is there any contact info?
yeah let's me, uh
uh fuck
Jeff, what the hell?
my eyes haven't even adjusted to the light yet
gotta talk to you about last night
we didn't not handle that situation in appropriate fashion
I know, it was in a
who's that?
I'm Megan
it's Megan
what's aap?
well, I didn't know you have lady over here
that's cool
did you guys, um
make the nuts last night
no, Jeff we just met
well, sometimes that's the way it works out
what the shit?
let's go, and why those Mexicans parked
f'ing ice cream truck out there
honey, please they're native Americans
whatever, you
she is really pissed that
you screwed up our special evening last night
and by her mean pissed at you
you realize her being pissed at me, right?
look, you got stuff to do with the devil
I got stuff to do with the car
let's just talk later, okay?
if you want sometime
my girlfriend much the same age as you
so, maybe we could all get together
kick it
time to kinda non-comitall??? whatever
are you kidding me you can't wait?
I don't wait for no man bitch.
I've been eating doughnuts
since I was a child
I'm still in front of your house right now
and it's 8:30 and you're not here
a serve
you okay?
yeah, I'm good
it's about last night, isn't it?
this is about my ex-boyfriend
he keeps calling
apparently last night he camped outside my apartment
that dude's super intense
so funny, I
have all these fiends that are getting marred and having babies
but I was with Billy for 7 years
never thought I would settle down with him
should have broken up with him a log time ago
this whole thing pretty much my fault
screw that guy, I mean at least you broke it off before it was to late
can you imagine making that decision
after you had a mini-Megan
like my parents
you know what? Oliver
you're not merely as much good as you pretend to be
oh that's my favorite
ooh, alright you can have it. that's fine
I bet Oliver call a hooker after
he saw us working last night
no, I don't think so
she didn't look like a pro to me
what, are you kidding? did you see that tattoo on her chest
oh was that her?
or, just she woke up.
and Oliver said he didn't sleep with her
um, ofcource he didn't, that kid's a pussy
you know
I don't appreciate you saying that
I mean he's good kid, he's just a little lost right now
you know what? you're right.
I think we just we had to as we agreed you know
help Oliver gets on his feet
and Tuscan is the bright place to spread his wings
and once he's moved out
you and I can have the house to ourselves
and I take my modeling courage for the next level
can you squirt on my stomach baby?
oh, Jeff what the fuck?
it's always so much
oh I think that Dorian??? doughnut me me sick
you want this?
so box?? says he wok in tattoo shop on Thomson
so she works right there?
and what was her name?
yo, what up, plam???
we're looking for Crystal, she in today?
got an appointment?
uh, no we don't an appointment per se
we're hoping for a consultation type
yeah, we wanted to talk about her clientele
what the fuck are you talking about man?
ain't you ever heard of client-artist confidentiality?
I'm sorry can I use your restroom?
restrooms are for the paying customers only
yeah, I'm not ready to settle on a tattoo just yet
can I use it anyway
ooh, you all been working on my last nerves
Crystal, hey
they wanna talk about you on just some shit.
E-Smoke, babe, I'm in the middle of piercing right now, can it wait?
if you won't rainbow bright here to throw it up all in lobby, hell yeah
yes it can
send her back
so, E-Smoke
is that your christen name?
it's because I smoke electronic smoke, bitch
ooh, that's smooth
I'm sorry, I don't wanna be rude, but could I please get in there
hell no, I'm pitching a load???, get out here.
it's kind of an emergency
oh, this is an emergency
so, did Crystal do that tattoo on your neck?
the all seeing eye
why are you asking so many questions?
bet you a cop
[blows raspberry]
fuck the police,would a cop be carrying this guy?
bag of stems
mind's blert?
I used to smoke this shit in 90s, thanks
oh, what the fuck?
goddamn, your girl hit the boming??? shit
that was a shit sprinkles
damn it
I've got you now, E-Smoke
ieks??? like my home
they want our gold
they want turn us to slave race
random genetic expriments on us, they made us intelligent Benson
don't you see it?
okay, I try real hard to see truth here, Mark
uh, question, what good is gold to a bunch of half breed alien millionaires?
c'mon Benson, they need it to repair the atmosphere of their dying planet
it's been great having you this whole weekend
you've really shed some light on the topic
they have base in Denver airport
Benson, we must spread the word
thus the podcast, I'll do encourage all of my listeners
to do their own research to further educate themselves on the subject
thanks again to tuning in to
machine treason, protecting mankind from
the Man
their eyes given away
don't trust their eyes, it's ocular deception
Jesus, enough from Fort Worth
how you doing lady?
[knoking on the door]
yo, B, you got that door pretty quick.
did you miss us?
oh you caught me
I didn't miss you,
I was
anxious for your arrival
what is that smell?
I had an accident
can I barrow something to wear?
don't you live next door?
yeah but I runng the risk of my boyfriend billy
probably camp out in my front door
ex boyfriend, Billy
-he's my ex-boyfriend
come in
alright what's the latest development?
wow, Benson, since when you're exited to hear about our antics
oh please, don't be so dramatic, just
give me the news
alright, let me ask you one question first
are you really out of that platinum blue dream
or were you holding out on me? cus I smell it in here
Doyla, can you bring last of that really good shit?
Benson, my friend, you lied to me
I did not lie to you, I got really high on this and
forgot where I left it
this stuff is potent
do you have any of idea of street value of this?
no, how much it worth?
now's you asking it??? actually don't know how to price it
okay enough drug talk
wow, wow
we know the name of the guy who stole the car
who is it?
fucking E-Smoke stole your car
and you know who that is?
yeah, I'll deliver to him all the times let me tell you something
that guys play Duty like daddy
mad skills
what's Duty?
he plays the fish?
call of duty
so we know where he lives
yeah, of course
strawberry cream sekum???
can I barrow something else?
I have just a thing
I was think that we start with disaster of garage
maybe lay out some yoga mat
put some pins on the walls, maybe a few mirrors
make it like a little work out room
do you remember my firend, Mary
well, she makes these wine racks
and I think there would be a super cute on a wine cellar
wait, which one is that?
the cute little breadhead form yoga with herpes
no, witch room is the wine cellar
wow, I was thinking that we could covert your office into a wine cellar
make it like cool dark cave, with moodlights
I just think it's completely sad and dull as it is
reminds me of work
what do you say we jump into the pool
I'm laying out
you can't take break from chair for a second and jump in the pool?
I can't get my hair wet
what are you? a chinchilla?
c'mon you take a shower everyday, what is it, your head dodge the shower water, c'mon
you know you're being huge dick, this is my money maker
makes the money
I just don't understand why we're hanging out together
we can't enjoy ourself and jump in the pool?
ukh, you're grossing me out you sound like my dad right now
I'm gonna go to the Sauna
what the fuck jack?
I can't believe you
what I'm just trying having some fun Jennifer, c'mon
fuck you Jeff, that's not what I signed up for
fucking loser
and you deserve your lazy ass son
I'm out of here
why don't you go dry off your money maker?
are you sure Benson gave us the right address?
you know that man never fibbed the facts
you wanna a hit of this?
it's platinum blue dream, puts you in the different plant-field
I don't think
I should be fighting crime under influence
wait, wait, what are you doing?
guns balzing, shoud we go with the plan
you know what, you can hang back
there's nothing wrong with playing it safe
okay, um
I'm coming
Oliver, I don't feel good about this
it's time, expecting unexpected, we have to catch him off guard
you shouldn't knock on front door, it's pretty standard
good point, maybe sticking around back trying find an open window
it's not what I meant, I mean we're trespassing now
and we talking in nonsense
oh, lemon
what the fuck doing in my backyard
I got my baby sleeping there and shit
please don't hurt her
-man, shut the fuck up
why do you think I'm whispering?
you're rolling in my spot
in nap time all scream and shit
what the fuck is wrong with you?
now give me your wallet
get the f'ing ID then
why are you following me?
cus you stole my car
man that car gone man
goddammit, you ain't getting it back
so I suggest, Oliver
you get the fuck out here, alright
and if I've seen you following me or driving down my street
I'm not gonna let you both live
get the fuck out of here
stop fucking with my fruit trees
[baby cries] oh shit
slow down, slow down
c'mon, stop
I'm gonna puke
Megan, you strong hound???
we're on the ocean already
it's okay, calm down
are you kidding?
that guy put a gun to my head Oliver
he took my stuff, he has my notebook
yeah, I know, it's just stuff okay, what?
the gun wasn't loaded
you're ridiculous
you put people in danger and you don't take responsibility for your actions
and the worst part about it is
you don't even noticed cus you always so stoned
oh. c'mon, I hardly ever get stoned
I have such high tolerance I probably
smoke like a pound to be fully functional
let me ask you a question Oliver
have you ever done anything that you haven't fucked up
don't start criticize me alright
I was doing just fine until you're like
let's go on an adventure
I'm getting toshoes it's only ever take one
I wanted a care-free let's-sell-ice-cream kind of an adventure
not put-a-gun-to-my-head
kind of an adventure
grow up
c'mon, Megan, you're just gonna walk away
oh god
what do you looking at me for?
I don't know what's comes next
they didn't even get me updated pages
looks like Oliver on his own now
hey double bum, did you see an ice cream truck?
well, I saw aclown
who got up into ice cream truck and fled
at a fantastic rate
hey, you're the dream chasing fellow
how's that going for you?
not as planed
yeah, man I'm sorry to hear that
you wanna have a seat?
talk about it
you know
I understand about things not going as planed
I personaly was gonna be a
but my pappy
a real spaceman flying around the galaxy and shit
witch is not what I've been doing lately
I supposed to be riding off into sunset
with a hot babe on fresh scooter
I gotta tell my dad I've fucked up
and I am off to Tuscan Arizona
hey man
Tuscan's great
I think you're gonna do great in Tuscan
I personally
had a lot of success in Tuscan
if you had so mush success in that shithole desert
what are you doing here
collecting cans?
I'm sorry, did I said success? I meant
butt sex
success, butt sex, success, butt sex
I had a lot of butt sex
in Tuscan
irregardless of that matter
do you have any weed?
yeah, actually I do
oh, wait, hold on
who's that?
honey pot of a woman
did you
tap that ass
it was an option last night
look man
I generally try not to dispense advise on the couch
it's sort of breach-er protocol
but I think I can help you so, making an exception
here's some advice
one, find out what that woman wants
two, give it to her
now if you excuse me
it's time for me to blast off
I thought maybe you (spring
bring) for the good stuff
can you stay, dooo
oh yeah
that my friend is some
good shit
we used to smoke like this back in 80s
my apology is come a long my friend
I don't think you had anything this good back then
I'm really sorry for calling you a loser yesterday
you got your shit together
you're affluent businessman, you're the pillar of the community
I'm pretty sure
you know what? I'm sorry
what for?
I confined your son
I called you a dick
I also called your girlfriend racist
plus I totally ripped you off on this weed
but I promise
it will never happen again
that's refreshing
speaking of your girlfriend I totally slept with her senior year
ouch bro
that one hurt
maybe that was a little to on us
what are you ...
we had the whole thing
-yeah, but not then
dad, what the hell are you doing smoking with my drug dealer
weed dealer
yo Oliver, what's bro
I'm so glad to see you
what the fuck?
he wanted to smoke, like he's
really baked
dude, sit down, let's have little powwow
no thanks I quit
does Jennifer know you're smoking?
Jennifer does know shit dude, cus I kick her ass to the
just us now, just us
we are the dangerous dude on the block dawg
I'm not gonna do that
yeah, okay, Benson
can I have my dad alone for a minute?
what is your problem? I thought
I thought you liked this dude
no I don't like this, I need you to be a dad, not a bro
but I am with the dangerously cool guys
I'm 26 years old, I'm an adult
you're an adult
it's time for starting acting like it
a wise man once told me never let an opportunity pass you off
cus they'll eventually disappear
I got something I gotta get off my chest
it's about the car
-no, you already said enough, my child
my boy
my son
my blood's pumping through your motherfucking veins, bro
I'm sorry I called you a pussy, to your face, behind your back, all of it
and I like that
sometimes man, you gotta bite
you gotta bark like you're gonna bite or you
just bite on it
just stop while you're ahead
you stating to sound like a no fear t-shirt
look you're a good dad
I wanna spend time with you but
you need to sober up and
I got some stuff I gotta take care of
I got something I gotta take care of too
like these fashion man, I don't know what I'm doing
I need your help to bite smokie wrong
I do deliver weed man
non of to piss off my clients
you can wear mask, you can be my hero
you could be my JFK
do you have a plan?
we follow E-smoke where he's got the car beat him up and take it back
there's no reason to over-complicate things we keep this one simple
so double team E-smoke
no, quadruple team E-smoke
quadruple team
who else is there?
ask not
what country means to you
and what can you do for your country
you know what you say we have ???
fear itself???
a date witch you wanna live
in infamy
a caln smoke for man
there he is
now, , this is it, dagger and bloodline you split to the left
Benson you're with me
Oliver, why don't we have and they do?
to time
yo leatherhead???
I'm here for my car
my notebook
and my MF'ing apology
, how many times I have told you to lock that gate?
I did lock it, it must've slipped over
shut the fuck up
you better get the fuck out here before my boys kick your ass
you had number, playe'
with this masked man and these two broke ass looking Mexican
oh, my god I don't get it, they're fucking indian, why everbody thinks they ....
could you shut the fuck up
he's gonna recognize your voice
if you bring it probably yeah
you're such a dick
everybody shut the fuck up
nothing loaded, I know he's tried it before
oh, shit
shit man
stupid motherfucker
oh, fuck
fuck him up
now get the fuck out here man
I did told you that car is gone
fuck you dickhole
now for the last time
stay the fuck away from me
stupid ass
c'mon goddamn
let's get up
how you're doing
get up Benson
we're not done here
okay not fucker shot me
yeah, well at least it was just a graze
oh, fuck you just a graze
people in civil war died from less thank you very much
for minute think it was good idea to take down action criminals
I don't know
it was my first sober thought in 12 years
sorry I got you tagged man
Meg is right
I do put people in danger
that's alright
I'll live
maybe this, I should stop being drug dealer
kinda actually do with my life
put me in the history books
-oh yeah
-like what?
actually wanna documentary about that
whole reptile subhuman theory
I think you can link it to 9/11
it's a baby (bathe in) pigs
that make sense
that shit adds up, right?
this is where we say farewell my friend
you're gonna be okay?
just a graze, right
yeah, now Twiligha and Susie are inside
Susie was the med school drop out so I'll just be fine
no that's not for that
alright, just go to her, get out of here
Oliver, what happened to your face?
-I went after E-smoke
-you went after E-smoke
but he has a gun
he had something that I need it
there's really important
my notebook
this is the guy you've been ignore my text messages over?
billy, it's over, leave me alone
you''re just confused right now, Megs
you need to come to your senses
what? is this guy got you drugged up or something?
drugged up? what? no, Oliver's my boy
is your what?
let me tell you something right now, okay
this guy is no fucking good
alright, he's a lazy
wasted of space, mouth breathing, piece of shit, stoned
holy shit
nice punch
I could've used you back at junkyard
fuck Nostradamus
I like that action
honestly, I think you went home and rush into arms of B-Romeo over there
oh no, i spent 45 minutes crying in the public bathroom
and then I smoke through airspace bong
and it made me realize something Oliver
I like you
you're high
you have on your face
-right, right
I know what you're thinking
Oliver never get that darn Mercury back
he get something else though
more valuable than classic muscle car
he got the chance to size an opportunity
going on an adventure
and find himself
that's it
that's the end of story of Oliver
now excuse me
have to test out my new wheels
hey yo lo homie
you think you can give me a ride to KFC
man I'm trying to pickup some bonus nuggets
hey homie
you wanna go burn a ball