On the Beat (1962) Movie Script
(Police car bell clanging)
(Machine-gun fire)
(Gunshots)
- How many, lnspector?
- Four at least, Superintendent.
- lncluding Trigger O'Flynn.
- Right. Give me the loudhailer, will you?
All right, O'Flynn.
l'll give you just 15 seconds to come out.
Now, you know me.
One.
- Two.
- lt's Pitkin. What do we do, Trigger?
l'll handle this one personal.
Seven... Eight...
Nine...
Eleven...
Twelve...
Thirteen...
Fourteen...
You're being silly, O'Flynn.
This is it.
Fifteen. All right, O'Flynn,
l'm coming to get you.
Take a gun, sir.
(Machine-gun fire)
Trigger O'Flynn!
Trigger O'Flynn!
Come out, wherever you are.
l'm coming up for you.
Try this side...lnspector!
Over here, Commissioner.
All right, O'Flynn, the game's up.
Now drop that.
- Come any nearer, l'll kill you.
- Kill me?
l am Pitkin of the Yard.
Not for long, you're not.
Start saying your prayers.
Oh, Mr Pitkin.
Wake up, Mr Pitkin. Wake up!
What is it? Wake up, Mr Pitkin.
Your morning tea, Mr Pitkin.
Oh, thank you, Mrs Stammers.
Nasty dream you had.
l used to have them once.
l suppose Pitkin will be off early
to Scotland Yard to solve this lot.
No need to be sarcastic, Mr Bassett.
You try solving crimes
instead of sitting about.
Do you know who done this Soho job?
l am not at liberty to disclose
police business to strangers.
- Huh!
- Don't let your tea get cold, dear.
Don't worry, Dad. You'll be proud of me.
l shall be head of Scotland Yard yet!
- Got the cigarettes, darling?
- ln my handbag.
l shall have to ask you
to come along a-me.
What's the idea?
Anything you say will be taken down
and used in evidence against you.
- Get this off. What are you on about?
- l saw you put your hand in her bag.
That happens to be my wife's bag.
- Pardon?
- This lady is my wife, and that's her bag.
Oh. Sorry. l mean, well, l didn't know.
- Unlock it. Get it off.
- Um... Can't.
- Why not?
- l haven't got the keys.
- You haven't...!
- And l've got to get off here.
- l'm not getting off here.
- You are. l mustn't be late at the Yard.
Come on!
Mind the doors.
l know, darling.
The train's going now.
The train's...going...!
lt's moving! Me hand!
The wall! The wall! Aargh! The wall!
Well, Elsie, do something!
Yes, come on!
Go on, Elsie. Harder!
Hurry up, Elsie.
(Whimpering) Oh, no, don't do that!
No, don't do that.
That's all that's holding me!
A file's no good.
You want a hacksaw for that.
Hacksaw!
Ow!
Come on.
Oh! A station! A station!
Oh. Oh...l mustn't be late at the Yard.
- Morning, Sergeant.
- Morning.
- Good morning, Mr Bollington.
- Good morning.
Pitkin, l'd like you to take over
the Flying Squad today.
Very well, sir.
- Pitkin!
- Yes, Mr Bollington?
The Flying Squad like their cars spotless.
Yes, Mr Bollington.
- And Pitkin...
- Yes, Mr Bollington?
Make sure the wireless aerials are clean.
Yes, Mr Bollington.
Oh, Mr Bollington!
Oh, l've got one 'ere!
They've got to have clean aerials, so...
so they don't get
any dirty messages! Ain't they!
What about that?
- Pitkin!
- Yes, Mr Bollington?
We don't want any humorous quips.
- Yes, Mr Bollington.
- Well, get on with it, then.
Oh, boll...ingtons!
Do you mean you can take no action
about this appalling list of crimes?
They all point to one man
but we can't pin anything on him.
There are one or two pieces missing
from the jigsaw.
(Phone)
Yes? Oh, yes, of course.
- lt's for you, sir.
- Not now, l'm in conference.
lt's the Home Secretary, sir.
Commissioner speaking.
- 'l'm tired of this nonsense!'
- Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Quite so. There are still one or two
pieces missing from the jigsaw.
- (Ranting continues, indistinct)
- We'll do everything we can.
The Home Secretary
is now getting impatient.
We can't make an arrest
without sufficient evidence, sir.
This man, who is he?
He's a ladies' hairdresser, sir.
We think he's using his salon as a cover.
His name is Giulio Napolitani.
- Sounds ltalian.
- Yes, sir.
- Are you watching his establishment?
- Yes, sir.
Sergeant Wilkins will be making contact
with him any moment now.
Yes, madam?
My name is Wilkins.
l have an appointment.
- Lucinda Wilkins?
- Yes.
Come this way, madam.
- Would you mind waiting a moment?
- No, not at all.
(Whirring)
Will you come this way, please?
You seem very busy. l hope l shall get
Signor Giulio's personal attention.
Don't worry, madam, Signor Giulio
can deal with six heads at a time.
So l see.
Lisa!
What is this sort of person
doing in my salon?
l cannot make her beautiful.
Madonna! Ma cosa posso fare io?
Ah! Lady Hinchingford!
Giulio, darling, could l have
a teeny weeny little fringe?
What do you want a fringe for?
You have the lovely face.
Fringes are for the ladies with the longer
face, not the sweet face like this one.
Some faces, like this one,
should have the fringe down here!
Don't worry. Oberon prepare.
Giulio, he create.
What l do with this?
You may proceed as you think fit, Giulio.
For you, l create a sweep here,
a sweep there, bellissimo!
Siete la pi brutta donna che ho mai
visto in vita mia.
Ah, now, naughty, naughty!
Translation, please.
Sorry. lt mean you are beautiful.
Oh, flatterer.
Oh, you don't believe me?
Look for yourself!
Well, l do see what you mean.
Perhaps beautiful
isn't quite the right word.
Perhaps not. But Giulio, he is a genius.
Oberon prepare. Giulio, he create!
- l have only one pair of hands, Giulio.
- Shut your mouth.
Let's get down to business.
Well, George, what-a we find?
This one sounds the best bet.
Number five.
- Number five? The countess?
- Yeah.
(Woman) 'What are you wearing
to Rigoletto tonight?'
(Second woman) 'Everything, my dear.
Tiara, pendant, diamonds, the lot.
'Charles is taking them
out of the safe deposit this afternoon.'
This could be
what we've been waiting for.
Tell the boys, this afternoon.
- Where is the girl?
- ln the office.
Hm... OK.
Not-a bad. Not-a bad.
She's pretty good, huh?
Her father sent this with her.
You read it.
Vattene!
''Carissimo Giulio,
this is my daughter Rosanna.
''The union of our families will bring to
an end much unnecessary bloodshed,
''and cement agreement that
you will operate unmolested in London,
''leaving my organisation
to operate in Sicily.''
lt's signed Enrico Guardia.
She's a good bargain. Better than l think.
l very happy.
Vattene ti dico!
You don't like-a me...but your father,
he say you must marry me.
Marry you?
Piuttosto mi ammazzerei.
Siete un porco!
Un cane. Una bestia feroce che certo
finir in galera.
l'd rather die!
That can be arranged, too.
lf you want, boss.
No, no, no, no, no.
Sono l'uomo d'onore!
Giulio stick to his bargain.
lt's good for business.
Take her upstairs.
Mama, she tell her
what a nice boy her Giulio is.
Piccolo verme!
Don't worry, Giulio. She really loves you.
That's love. She really loves me.
- Oi!
- Sorry.
Ah-ah!
- lsn't my car ready, Pitkin?
- lt won't be long, sir.
l wanted it for lunch.
Erm... lt wouldn't half
give you indigestion, sir!
Try turning on the water.
Oh... Cor...
No, no, no! Come back.
Turn it on at the nozzle.
Now, don't start larking about.
You're asking for it, ain't you?
- You little...
- No, no!
l'll never get your car done, Mr Ackroyd.
- Where are you?
- Here!
Are you going to give in?
You'll get yourself soaked.
You'll get soaking wet.
- Good heavens, sir! What's happened?
- That lunatic!
Get out. Get out of here!
GET OUT!
You've got my leather.
(Crash)
You're fired!
Hey!
Now what have l done?
One...two chamois leathers, one pail...
one spoke brush.
One cap, peaked, car park attendant,
for the use of.
All correct. And now, Pitkin, get out.
Pitkin!
Mr Bollington, l'd like your permission
to have another go at joining the police.
- Not here.
- lf you'll put in a word for me...
Pitkin, if you were six feet tall, 20 stone,
and were world weightlifting champion,
l still wouldn't put in a word for you.
You're not cut out to be a policeman.
You haven't got it here
and you haven't got it here.
- l'm letting my dad down. Do you see?
- Get out.
Yeah.
You know, Mr Bollington,
you haven't got it here either.
You can rest assured, one of these days
l shall be a policeman.
Just like my dad was.
l'd, erm, like to join the police, please, sir.
- Name?
- Um...Pitkin.
Haven't l seen your face
somewhere before?
No, sorry.
Well, you're a fine, tall specimen.
Wait here. l'll see if l can get you
a medical check.
All...all right.
(Whimpers)
You're lucky. The doctor was just going.
This way.
Well, close the door.
Good gracious!
Well, come on, over here.
Good Lord!
lt's been a shocking old day again,
hasn't it?
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Now, then...
Seven foot one!
Hey, wait a minute, that's my fault.
You've still got your hat on.
Now...
Ooh, damn it. Any damage?
No, it's all right.
- Six foot eleven.
- Yeah.
Come on, over here.
Read that chart.
- Z
- Yeah.
- B
- Clearly.
- R
- Say that again.
R. Aaargh!
That saves time later. Go on, next line.
D, O, H.
P, J, W, E,
W, H, N...
- Hello.
- Hello. Er, D...
- W, Z, T...
- Never mind that for a minute.
- What?
- God!
- What?
- You've got a very good ear.
- Oh. Have l?
- Yeah. Are you fond of music?
Of course. l love music.
Then l might be able
to put you into the police choir.
Ooh! What? ln...
l'm the choirmaster.
- (Excited stuttering)
- Now, don't go away.
Now, then. Wait a minute.
There we are.
Now, see if you can read that.
l think l can.
Q, R, Z...
B flat? A natural?
L, B...
(Sings) C sharp.
(Both sing) G, B, C sharp...
- C sharp.
- And a D. D.
Da dee da-da dee-dee dee-da
la-la-la dee-dee
La-la la-la-tra la-la-la
la-la-la-la la-la-la-la la-la-la la-la lo
La-la-la dicky um-pum
pum-pum dicky-dicky um-pum
La...
La-la-la dicky um-pum
La-la-la
La la la laa-laa-laaaaaa!
- How do you like that tune?
- Oh, pretty, pretty, pretty!
lt's a little thing l knocked off myself.
Yeah? l thought l'd heard it
somewhere before.
Come over here.
Weight!
Come on, then.
Weight.
What is your...weight?
Oh... (Chuckles)
Nine stone 12 pounds dead.
How much alive?
- Oh, yeah.
- How's that?
Come over here.
Now, take your jacket off, roll
your sleeve up and sit down there.
Nine stone 12...dead.
Hold that under there,
there's a good chap.
There we are.
We'll soon get you fixed up.
There.
l don't like the look of that.
lt'll have to come off.
- What? Me arm?
- No, no, no, no. This.
(Air hisses)
The next thing is to test your reflexes.
That's the next item on the agenda, lad.
Now, then. Hold that up there like that.
There we are.
Feel that?
- Your elbow!
- Oh!
Take it away.
- Ow!
- Gotcha!
Cross your legs.
Gotcha!
Relax.
Come here.
- Me?
- Come on.
Got a bit of a limp, haven't you?
l'm sorry, son. l shall have to turn down
your application.
l shall fight it.
l didn't get away with it, Dad.
Why couldn't l be as big as you?
Officer! Officer! Excuse me, Officer.
l'm an American tourist...and l'm lost.
Could you direct me
to Grosvenor Square?
Erm... Grosvenor Square... Erm...
Well, of course,
you'll have to get to the high street first.
And, erm...
l'll take you up there myself.
Oh, that's very kind of you, Officer.
Have you been
to many interesting places?
Oh, indeed l have. Now, let me see.
There was Westminster Abbey
and Buckingham Palace.
And oh, that Bloody Tower!
Oh, yeah, very annoying.
There you are, madam.
Any bus'll do you now. 47, 23...
Do you think you could call me a cab?
Or perhaps you're not
allowed to, Officer?
(Whistles)
l wasn't speeding, guv.
Now, watch it, that's all. Just watch it.
Grosvenor Square, please.
Thank you, Officer.
You London policemen
are just wonderful.
(Man) Evening News and Standard!
All the winners!
Get your evening paper over here.
All the winners,
runners and riders for tomorrow.
Evening News and Standard.
Get your evening paper here.
Evening News and Sta...
Evening News and Standard.
(Subdued) Evening News and Standard.
- Yes?
- Tea, please.
Sugar, Chick.
Hey, copper! That's my tea you got there.
(Laughter)
(Car horn blares)
Hey!
Come 'ere.
You're not allowed to play football in
the streets. You know that, don't you?
But there's nowhere else to play.
l can't help that.
You're not allowed to play here.
But can't we just have one game
of football, please, sir?
Not here, you can't.
But we haven't got anywhere else
to play, sir.
- You'll have to find somewhere.
- But there isn't nowhere, sir.
- lsn't there?
- No, sir.
- Just a couple of kicks, then.
- (All cheer)
(All shouting)
Oi! Oi! Quiet!
Now, break it up, boys.
You've started to make a noise already.
He started it.
He kicked off before we was ready.
Sir, will you be our referee?
You got the whistle.
(All) Yeah! Go on!
All right.
Just five minutes each way, then.
(All cheer)
Go on, get in your places.
(Blows whistle)
(Whistle continues)
Hey!
l repeat, this information is to all cars.
Not too hard. Argh!
Oh.
25...
Ooh, there's hundreds.
- Aren't you going to play any more?
- Haven't you got me in enough trouble?
(All) Stop!
Oi!
- Where did he go, sir?
- l don't know. What does he look like?
- Don't know, sir.
- l don't know, sir.
What do you mean?
You've seen him, haven't you?
No, sir.
Somebody must know
what he looks like. Who gave the alarm?
Who blew the whistle?
- l thought you blew it.
- Not me.
- Well, who did? Was it you?
- Oh, no, sir. We were playing cards, sir.
We were standing by in S Division, sir.
- Who did?
- l was on duty at Tottenham, sir.
(All muttering)
There he goes, down the alley.
Quick! Come on!
You mustn't cross on the stairs.
lt's unlucky.
Come on!
Spread out!
Are you going to be our referee again?
No, l'm not!
Don't worry, we've got our own whistle.
Have you?
Oh, don't blow it! Argh!
That's my dad's.
(Sings La Donna Mobile)
Boss, you want your holster?
No, no, no. Tonight is for the lovings.
You like this Rosanna?
Oh ho! Sure thing.
She have the curves in the right places.
l don't think she's too sold on you.
Oh, she play hard to get.
She change her mind
when l take her in my arms
and give her the big kiss
and whisper in her ear,
''Darling, you look so pretty,
''so very, very pretty.''
Everything, is it fixed for the job tonight?
You'll have the old girl's jewels
tomorrow.
Ah, Giulio, mio bambino!
Oh, you are handsome tonight!
(Ribs crunching)
Oh, mama mia!
l smell pretty good, too, huh?
Yeah, like a scent factory.
Shut your mouth. You will-a spoke
when you are speaken to.
Now, get out.
You too, mama mia. Here are the tickets
for the Albert Hall.
For the opera?
No, for the wrestling.
ls good fun, you like.
- (Bones cracking)
- Mama!
Ciao!
ls good. At last we are together.
Mia carissima Rosanna, quanto sei bella!
Your eyes are as blue
as the Bay of Naples.
Lasciatemi stare.
Your lips sono magnifici! Vieni, vieni!
Vorrei tornare in ltalia.
Oh, you want play?
Rosanna, put your arms around me
and enjoy yourself.
lt don't hurt. lt don't hurt!
Let that be the last time
you impersonate a police officer.
Just a minute.
Where are you taking that uniform?
Home.
That's Metropolitan Police property.
That's my dad's.
Go on, hop it.
Hey! No, wait. No, don't do it!
Don't do it!
Help! Anybody can swim?
Anyone can swim? There's a girl...
Ti odio!
Perch non mi lasciate tornare in ltalia.
Shh! You'll have the police here.
l've only just got out.
l will never marry you. Never.
l haven't asked you to, have l?
l am sorry.
l think you are somebody else.
- You're foreign, ain't you?
- But you are not Giulio?
Oh, no, l'm Norman.
Erm...Norman Pitkin, that is.
l'm erm...
l'm a policeman.
A policeman?
Your uniform, where is she?
Oh, well... You know, l haven't been...
you might say, not properly accepted,
not as yet.
Just a question of time.
They don't understand.
Erm... What is your name?
Rosanna.
Yeah? And where do you live?
l have nowhere to live now.
Oh. Well, how would you like to come
round to my place for the night, then?
l just want to get your clothes off.
l mean...to get into dry ones.
- Coming, then?
- Grazie.
Grazie. That's thank you in foreign,
ain't it? That's nice.
Morning, Mr Pitkin.
l've brought you a nice cup of...
Mr Pitkin!
Mr Pitkin?
You're not Mr Pitkin.
No. No, l am Rosanna.
What are you doing here?
Mr Pitkin, he brought me home
with him last night.
- Oh, did he?
- Oh, no. You don't understand.
Mr Pitkin saved my life.
Did he really?
Oh, yes, he was so brave. Thank you.
He dive into the river. l was drowned.
Drowning.
And he rescue me from drown.
Just like Mr Pitkin! Where is he now?
Sergeant Wilkins to see you, sir.
Tell her to come in.
Well, Sergeant Wilkins?
l proceeded to Maison Giulio,
where, after a preliminary examination,
he styled my hair in the modern manner.
Yes, yes. Go on.
l observed there were microphones
hidden under all the tables.
l then exposed some movie film
of the actions and behaviour
of the suspect, Giulio Napolitani.
l have here some still photographs
enlarged from the film.
Thank you.
So this is Giulio Napolitani.
Well, l'm damned!
Hobson, Belcher, come in here, quickly.
Hobson, Belcher, who's that?
- Giulio Napolitani, sir.
- No, no, no!
Who does it remind you of?
Who is it like?
Who's the little fool in the car park,
washes the cars down?
Pitkin, sir.
We have to plant someone at
Napolitani's to get the evidence we need.
- Right, Hobson? Belcher?
- Yes, sir.
Well, there's your man.
Take away the moustache, cover the hair
and who have you got?
(Both) Pitkin!
Pitkin? Oh, but sir, that'd be madness.
Forgive me, gentlemen.
l was carried away.
Just for a moment, l thought...
- Sergeant, a glass of water, please.
- Yes, sir.
(Phone)
Yes?
Home Secretary, sir.
- Yes, sir?
- (Ranting furiously)
Yes, sir.
We think we have a plan, sir.
There's no other way. Get Pitkin.
Hello, lnspector. l hear you're not going
to the Yard today. Got the sack?
When you're as important as Mr Pitkin,
you'll be able to take a day off.
Good afternoon.
l would like to talk to Mr Pitkin.
Who shall l say is enquiring?
- Superintendent Hobson, Scotland Yard.
- Oh, yes, he's right here.
- Hello, Pitkin.
- Hello, Super.
l should like a few words with you.
Do you mind?
This is a private police matter.
Oh, no, of course not. Allow me.
Norman.
Thank you.
So you see, Pitkin, although technically
you will still be a car park attendant,
in actual fact you will be doing
a job of national importance.
But l got the sack.
That's another job!
Now, what's your answer?
lf l'm to do a police job,
l want to be in the police.
That's out of the question!
Now, Pitkin, Sir Ronald Ackroyd
has personally authorised me
to offer you a raise
of half a crown a week.
Half a crown?
Money isn't everything.
lt's either the police or nothing.
So there it is. Hobson's choice, ain't it?
Or rather, Mr Hobson's choice.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
- You're too small!
- l'm not.
- Yes, you are!
- Oh.
Well, in that case, l see no point
in discussing the matter any further.
Good afternoon, Superintendent.
- Now, wait a minute, Pitkin...
- Good afternoon, Superintendent.
Madam, may l phone Scotland Yard?
Oh! Well, of course.
- The number is Whitehall 1212.
- l'm aware of that, madam.
(lnaudible)
May l use your... Oh.
(Knocking on door)
Do come in.
Thank you.
Sir Ronald Ackroyd, Commissioner of
the Metropolitan Police, for Mr Pitkin.
Now, what's all this l hear, Pitkin?
- He insists on joining the force, sir.
- We've told him he can't.
They're right. l'm sorry.
Then l am not interested
in returning to Scotland Yard.
Not unless l'm a proper policeman,
like my dad was.
Yes, splendid looking fellow.
Of course.
- Taller than you.
- He was older than me.
l hope you're not annoyed because
l sacked you yesterday, Pitkin.
l was a bit, cos you was messing about
just as much as l was, weren't you?
Truth? Truth?
All right, Pitkin, perhaps l was.
Now, let's discuss this matter as friends.
- Pot of tea?
- No, thank you.
What's your first name, old chap?
Erm... Norman.
Well, then, Norman, isn't it reward
enough to bring a criminal to justice?
Oh, now, wait a minute, Ron.
Let's be fair.
l am not going to do it,
not unless l am in the police.
Not what you might call
or commonly refer to as ''in''.
All right, Pitkin. lf you insist.
- But the regulations, sir!
- Change them. He's the key to this job.
Now, does that satisfy you, Norman?
What? Being the key, Ron?
Does that satisfy me?
R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-Ron!
Oh, Mr Hobson,
so now we're all as one, ain't we?
Hey, what's your first name?
Cecil.
Bert.
Aw, Cec, this is it!
l'm just going to pop upstairs and...
Bert Belcher,
you could have had me over then.
You...!
Oh, thank heavens we haven't split up!
Oh, what a team, eh?
Ron, Cec, Bert, and now Norm!
The four just men.
ln case you think
l've taken leave of my senses,
Pitkin remains in the force
only until the job is done.
ln the meantime, we must accept him
and train him for special duties.
When you say we, sir,
do you actually mean we?
Yes!
We.
Rosanna?
Come in.
Rosanna, it's happened! lt's happened!
They've taken me.
l'm going to get sworn in.
You have to swear?
Oh... Oh, no.
You don't understand, do you?
l am going to be a policeman.
Aren't you pleased?
Si. Si, Norman. Complimenti.
- Are you going out, Rosanna?
- Si. And l not come back.
Did l do something wrong?
No. No, Norman.
You never do anybody wrong.
Only right you do.
But you're too good to me and...
l must go.
But...there must be a reason.
- Do you want to go?
- Oh, no. You have to pay for me here.
Oh. Why, l don't mind.
But l am not your... How you say?
Responsibilita.
ls not fair l should stay here longer.
But this is the first time in my life
that l've ever...
- l like being responsible for you.
- You are so sweet.
You make l should want to cry.
Then you will stay?
Si. l stay.
That's settled, then.
You wait till you see me in my uniform!
l just go out now, Mrs Stammers.
We go. Let's pick her up. Presto.
Do you want me? l have found
a smashing uniform. lt's got everything.
So kind of you to grace us with your
presence, Pitkin.
Yes, we do want you. There's a film
we want you to see. Sit down.
Pictures! We're not going to see
a picture, are we?
Cor! This is the life, ain't it?
And you waited for me
before you started the programme.
Oh, now l know l'm one of you.
l won't forget this. l won't forget it.
All right, here we go, then.
Hello, spring's gone on this one.
Pitkin, you're on my hand.
Hobson, we are getting
a little pressed for time.
- Yes, l think we should start.
- Good idea. Lights!
- Hello? Busted already?
- No, Pitkin, not busted.
- What? That's not it, is it?
- That is it.
- And that's what you have to copy.
- What do you mean?
You saw how the man walked.
Let's see you do that.
Who? Me?
What...?
Hear what he's saying?
- Did he mean it?
- Of course.
That is, if you really want
to stay in the police.
Oh, yeah, well...
l want to stay.
- l can't stand much more of this.
- We've no alternative, sir.
Now, Pitkin.
Can l see a bit more of the picture,
Mr Hobson?
l feel l'll be able to master it. Eh?
- Roll 'em.
- Lights!
Lights!
Lights!
Pitkin!
(Norman) Lights!
(Knock on door)
You put the lights out before l was ready
and l finished up...
out there.
Pitkin!
To avoid confusion, it would be better if
only one of us gave the orders!
Roll.
(Whispers) Lights.
Lights!
Lights.
- Sorry.
- (Yells)
l've had enough of this.
Forget the film, forget the lights.
- l'll forget all about it.
- Now, Pitkin, try.
Try and get this one little thing right.
You'll get all l've got.
Watch me carefully. l'll show you.
As you put your foot forward,
you let your weight rest onto it,
so that your hip swings outwards.
Then change feet - that is to say
turn on the other one,
transferring the weight
in the same manner.
Now this you continue to do alternately.
Now, having once mastered
the movement of our hips and our feet,
we bring our artistic hands into play,
and there we are.
- Now you do it.
- Just one moment, Hobson.
Constable, fetch a couple of books,
will you, please?
- (Whispers)
- Very good idea, sir.
No. Hand shoulder high.
Watch your feet.
- Whey hey! Lady Chatterly's...
- On your head.
- No. lmagine it, Pitkin.
- l will, l will.
- Yes, imagine it.
- Grip meself.
- On me head now.
- On your head.
That's it. That's better, that's splendid!
Now your head!
Keep the moving, not static.
And don't forget your hips. Lovely!
Head, your head! Movement!
Oh, sir, he's got it, he's got it!
Any progress?
Oh, sir, he's fabulous!
Can l get my uniform now, sir?
- By all means.
- Oh, thank you, sir.
Congratulations, gentlemen.
Rosanna! Rosanna!
She's gone, Mr Pitkin.
She walked out this morning.
She hasn't come back.
- Didn't she leave any message?
- No.
- You liked her, didn't you, Mr Pitkin?
- Yes.
Of course, she was...
She was too pretty for me.
Never mind, Mr Pitkin. Your police work
will occupy your mind.
Two more robberies.
They point to the same gang.
- The Napolitani mob.
- Yes, sir.
How's Pitkin's training coming along?
What you might call slowly, sir.
Very slowly.
Well, it can't be helped.
We can't delay any longer.
Bring Napolitani in for questioning.
Oh, Miss Wilkins! Ooh!
- l'm so sorry.
- Oh, you're welcome. Please sit down.
- Two gentlemen from the police, signor.
- La polizia? Grazie.
- Are you Giulio Napolitani?
- Everyone knows Giulio Napolitani.
Would you mind coming with us
to Scotland Yard?
- What for you want me?
- Nothing to worry about, sir.
OK.
Vince, send for my lawyer.
(Giulio) 'Oberon prepare,
Giulio he create.'
They've brought Napolitani in.
- Very nice, eh, Hobson?
- lt's in-a-the-bag, Ronna!
You know what you have to do, Pitkin?
Having gained entry to the premises
of one Giulio Matolipani,
l ascertain what use he makes
of the microphones,
and if he's got any stolen property
concealed in the buildings. Yeah?
Quite right. Don't forget,
we can't hold Napolitani for long.
- Of course not.
- You've got exactly 40 minutes.
Awwwww!
Well, here we go, then.
Ta.
All right, Ron. Don't let me down.
Ta-ta, Cec.
- l think it's going to work.
- Yes, sir.
- Oberon, do you realise...
- l've told you, l'm terribly sorry!
- Where's Giulio?
- l've been like this for hours!
Oh, Giulio, where are you?
You're on your own now, Pitkin.
Remember, you've exactly 30 minutes.
All right, then.
(All arguing)
Giulio!
Just a minute. Uno momento!
Uno momento!
What for you making all of this-a noise?
Shut-a up! Silenci!
Silenci-i-i-i-i-i!
Oh, you are so masterful.
You've all got to take-a your-a turn.
Comprenez?
l've only got-a the one pair of hands.
Marvellous. Right, then, who's-a first-a?
(All shouting)
l've been in such a tizz.
Where have you been?
What's happened to sir's style?
Oh, that's more like sir.
Signor!
Mrs Ashby. Signor Giulio, madam.
About time, too.
- First-a, the wash.
- l've had it washed once.
Your hair-a is-a no good.
lt's gone grey.
So would yours have
if you'd waited as long as l have.
Er... Oberon, give it a bit of a wash.
Giulio...he create.
Signor Giulio?
(Whispers) Pitkin!
- How did you know?
- lt's me.
Pitkin, look!
Oh, it's Sergeant Wilkins!
- There's a microphone under the table.
- What?
There's a mic...
Switch on the dryer
so no one can hear us.
- The what?
- Dryer.
- l've-l've-l've found something.
- What?
l've found something!
- There's a microphone under the table.
- l know.
- Do you think anyone heard us?
- Shhh!
Tra tra tra da dal la la la la Sing!
La la Sing!
Home, sweet home
coming through the rye...
The maestro is in great form today.
- We're being watched.
- Are we?
Do something to my hair.
- What shall l do?
- Anything.
Pitkin!
For heaven's sake, go away.
My new hat! You've ruined it!
How dare you?
(Sobbing)
- What's the matter?
- You've made me look so lovely.
- But you are lovely.
- Yes, l know.
- l like all my ladies to look lovely.
- But l'm rather special, aren't l?
You've made me feel so happy.
l'm... l'm happy, too.
Oberon! Over here.
Eh? lsn't she lovely?
Have a closer look.
- Oberon!
- Oh, Giulio!
Excuse me, l can't bear it.
- Pitkin, have you discovered anything?
- Not yet.
(Sobbing)
Pitkin, pull yourself together.
- l've got to talk to you.
- All right, then.
- No, no, no.
- l've got to be doing something.
Don't cut off any more of my hair.
Well, come over here.
You've got to do something.
- l'll give you a shampoo.
- l've had a sham...
l didn't mean that!
Have a shave.
Pitkin...you've got to find out
(Nasally) where those microphones
lead to.
(Nasally) How do l do that?
Trace the wires. Follow them through
to the very end.
(Nasally) Sergeant Wilkins, l shall trace
those wires if it's the last thing l ever do.
Oh, Giulio, put me down, put me down!
Try not to create suspicion.
ls an outrage! l demand you release
my client immediately.
l have here the habeus corpus.
Keep calm. Why don't we sit down
and talk this over quietly?
- No sit down!
- No sit down!
- No talk!
- No talk!
- Release us.
- Release us.
- Scotland Yard we will sue!
- Scotland Yard we will sue!
- Shut-a your mouth.
- Shut your mouth.
Shut-a YOUR mouth.
(Both yelling in ltalian)
- ls there anything wrong, Giulio?
- Someone's standing on the wire.
- We're having trouble with the girl.
- Yeah? Uh, the girl?
She's breaking the place up.
You'd better come.
Erm... You lead-a the way-a.
What's the matter? Aren't you coming?
Sergeant Wilkins!
(Whimpers)
Stop, stop!
Va all'inferno!
Rosanna!
Leave me alone.
Odio! Odio! Odio!
Get out of it, all of you.
Go on, leave it to Giulio.
No, don't! No! No, no, no, no, no.
lt's all right, Rosanna.
Look, it's me, Norman.
Norman? What are you do here?
Collecting evidence against Giulio
Napolitani. We haven't got much time.
- Where's the safe?
- No, we are not safe.
You don't understand, do you?
The safe!
l've had to let Napolitani go.
He's on his way to the salon.
lt's not giving Pitkin time enough.
We'll have to raid the premises.
Here you are, sir.
Thank-a you for-a nothing!
- Norman. Norman!
- Not now. l'm looking for something.
- ls this what you are look for?
- No, l want the safe.
Giulio. Giulio?
- You're upstairs.
- No, no, l am downstairs. Upstairs is...
All right.
Presto, presto! Dobbiamo partire.
This is a job where you've got to hurry
up and keep calm at the same time.
l can't understand it.
l thought it'd be easy.
l thought it'd just be click-click-click,
and then clack-clack.
And then all of a sudden, open sesame.
All you need is the combinations.
l know that. How to get the combination,
that's the thing, ain't it?
Ooh!
Erm... What you gonna have?
You look like me but not so handsome.
Who are you?
l am Police Constable Pitkin
of Scotland Yard,
and l warn you that anything you say will
be taken down and used in evidence.
Shut-a your mouth.
l kill you. l smash-a you.
l slit-a your throat from here to here.
l feel it's only fair to warn you
that to slit a policeman's throat
from here to here, definitely illegal.
Shall l kill him now, boss?
(Giulio) No, not-a yet.
OK, the police want-a Giulio,
they get-a Giulio.
But not-a this one.
All right, kill him, but not here.
- What about the girl?
- No, no. l'll give in. Leave her alone.
(Norman) l'll go. Please.
No, Norman. Giulio!
You can't do this. He only do his job.
Please don't kill him.
All right, all right. Vince, Manzini, take
him for a ride in the country in my car.
No monkey business.
Otherwise Mr Pitkin, bang bang.
Bang!
Giulio Napolitani, you are under arrest.
No, Ron, you're making a mistake.
l'm Norman, see?
You fool!
Napolitani must still be in the salon.
Come on.
Ron! No, Ron, l couldn't help it. Ron!
- Cover the door. Don't let him in.
- Yes, sir.
All right, nobody leave the premises.
- What do you want?
- You're under arrest.
- Superintendent?
- Not now, madam.
Hobson!
- Giulio Napolitani, you are under arrest.
- Oh, Ron! How many more times?
Look, it's me, Norman.
l told you to keep out of here.
Hobson!
Get this man out...
Giulio Napolitani, you are under arrest.
Don't be ridiculous, this is Pitkin.
Siete pazzi, voi inglesi.
Non vedete che questo Giulio.
- Constable, look after this young lady.
- Questo il vero Giulio, non Norman!
Napolitani.
Giulio Napoli...
Pitkin?
Giulio Napolitani, you are under arrest.
Pack it up, Cecil!
Ron, you're wrong, Ron.
Wrong again, Ron.
Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, Ron!
Giulio Napo...
Giu...
Ah!
Just as l thought.
Giulio, on behalf of Ron Ackroyd,
Cecil Hobson... Erm...
Bert Belcher and indeed, all the lot of us,
l hereby place you under arrest.
Now you are in trouble!
Damaging a police constable's hat -
and it's not mine either.
Oh, Ron will be pleased.
We've got the whole place surrounded,
so Napolitani must still be inside.
l know that, Belcher, but where?
Hobson, that man again.
- Pitkin, what have you got in there?
- Washing! Eh, Ron?
- Put him under arrest.
- What for?
Pitkin!
No, Ron, that is Giulio. l am Pitkin!
l know. Have him taken away.
No, no, no. The prisoner.
Well done, Constable Pitkin.
Constable?
You mean l'm still in the force?
- You're a credit to the force.
- Oh, Ron! Ron!
Now you've got everything
you ever wanted.
- Well, no, there's one little thing.
- What's that?
Well...l want some leave.
- Leave? What for?
- Um, well...
l want to get married.
( Wedding March)
Hold it, group.
(Police whistles)
(Whistles feebly)
Wait for me!
(Machine-gun fire)
(Gunshots)
- How many, lnspector?
- Four at least, Superintendent.
- lncluding Trigger O'Flynn.
- Right. Give me the loudhailer, will you?
All right, O'Flynn.
l'll give you just 15 seconds to come out.
Now, you know me.
One.
- Two.
- lt's Pitkin. What do we do, Trigger?
l'll handle this one personal.
Seven... Eight...
Nine...
Eleven...
Twelve...
Thirteen...
Fourteen...
You're being silly, O'Flynn.
This is it.
Fifteen. All right, O'Flynn,
l'm coming to get you.
Take a gun, sir.
(Machine-gun fire)
Trigger O'Flynn!
Trigger O'Flynn!
Come out, wherever you are.
l'm coming up for you.
Try this side...lnspector!
Over here, Commissioner.
All right, O'Flynn, the game's up.
Now drop that.
- Come any nearer, l'll kill you.
- Kill me?
l am Pitkin of the Yard.
Not for long, you're not.
Start saying your prayers.
Oh, Mr Pitkin.
Wake up, Mr Pitkin. Wake up!
What is it? Wake up, Mr Pitkin.
Your morning tea, Mr Pitkin.
Oh, thank you, Mrs Stammers.
Nasty dream you had.
l used to have them once.
l suppose Pitkin will be off early
to Scotland Yard to solve this lot.
No need to be sarcastic, Mr Bassett.
You try solving crimes
instead of sitting about.
Do you know who done this Soho job?
l am not at liberty to disclose
police business to strangers.
- Huh!
- Don't let your tea get cold, dear.
Don't worry, Dad. You'll be proud of me.
l shall be head of Scotland Yard yet!
- Got the cigarettes, darling?
- ln my handbag.
l shall have to ask you
to come along a-me.
What's the idea?
Anything you say will be taken down
and used in evidence against you.
- Get this off. What are you on about?
- l saw you put your hand in her bag.
That happens to be my wife's bag.
- Pardon?
- This lady is my wife, and that's her bag.
Oh. Sorry. l mean, well, l didn't know.
- Unlock it. Get it off.
- Um... Can't.
- Why not?
- l haven't got the keys.
- You haven't...!
- And l've got to get off here.
- l'm not getting off here.
- You are. l mustn't be late at the Yard.
Come on!
Mind the doors.
l know, darling.
The train's going now.
The train's...going...!
lt's moving! Me hand!
The wall! The wall! Aargh! The wall!
Well, Elsie, do something!
Yes, come on!
Go on, Elsie. Harder!
Hurry up, Elsie.
(Whimpering) Oh, no, don't do that!
No, don't do that.
That's all that's holding me!
A file's no good.
You want a hacksaw for that.
Hacksaw!
Ow!
Come on.
Oh! A station! A station!
Oh. Oh...l mustn't be late at the Yard.
- Morning, Sergeant.
- Morning.
- Good morning, Mr Bollington.
- Good morning.
Pitkin, l'd like you to take over
the Flying Squad today.
Very well, sir.
- Pitkin!
- Yes, Mr Bollington?
The Flying Squad like their cars spotless.
Yes, Mr Bollington.
- And Pitkin...
- Yes, Mr Bollington?
Make sure the wireless aerials are clean.
Yes, Mr Bollington.
Oh, Mr Bollington!
Oh, l've got one 'ere!
They've got to have clean aerials, so...
so they don't get
any dirty messages! Ain't they!
What about that?
- Pitkin!
- Yes, Mr Bollington?
We don't want any humorous quips.
- Yes, Mr Bollington.
- Well, get on with it, then.
Oh, boll...ingtons!
Do you mean you can take no action
about this appalling list of crimes?
They all point to one man
but we can't pin anything on him.
There are one or two pieces missing
from the jigsaw.
(Phone)
Yes? Oh, yes, of course.
- lt's for you, sir.
- Not now, l'm in conference.
lt's the Home Secretary, sir.
Commissioner speaking.
- 'l'm tired of this nonsense!'
- Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Quite so. There are still one or two
pieces missing from the jigsaw.
- (Ranting continues, indistinct)
- We'll do everything we can.
The Home Secretary
is now getting impatient.
We can't make an arrest
without sufficient evidence, sir.
This man, who is he?
He's a ladies' hairdresser, sir.
We think he's using his salon as a cover.
His name is Giulio Napolitani.
- Sounds ltalian.
- Yes, sir.
- Are you watching his establishment?
- Yes, sir.
Sergeant Wilkins will be making contact
with him any moment now.
Yes, madam?
My name is Wilkins.
l have an appointment.
- Lucinda Wilkins?
- Yes.
Come this way, madam.
- Would you mind waiting a moment?
- No, not at all.
(Whirring)
Will you come this way, please?
You seem very busy. l hope l shall get
Signor Giulio's personal attention.
Don't worry, madam, Signor Giulio
can deal with six heads at a time.
So l see.
Lisa!
What is this sort of person
doing in my salon?
l cannot make her beautiful.
Madonna! Ma cosa posso fare io?
Ah! Lady Hinchingford!
Giulio, darling, could l have
a teeny weeny little fringe?
What do you want a fringe for?
You have the lovely face.
Fringes are for the ladies with the longer
face, not the sweet face like this one.
Some faces, like this one,
should have the fringe down here!
Don't worry. Oberon prepare.
Giulio, he create.
What l do with this?
You may proceed as you think fit, Giulio.
For you, l create a sweep here,
a sweep there, bellissimo!
Siete la pi brutta donna che ho mai
visto in vita mia.
Ah, now, naughty, naughty!
Translation, please.
Sorry. lt mean you are beautiful.
Oh, flatterer.
Oh, you don't believe me?
Look for yourself!
Well, l do see what you mean.
Perhaps beautiful
isn't quite the right word.
Perhaps not. But Giulio, he is a genius.
Oberon prepare. Giulio, he create!
- l have only one pair of hands, Giulio.
- Shut your mouth.
Let's get down to business.
Well, George, what-a we find?
This one sounds the best bet.
Number five.
- Number five? The countess?
- Yeah.
(Woman) 'What are you wearing
to Rigoletto tonight?'
(Second woman) 'Everything, my dear.
Tiara, pendant, diamonds, the lot.
'Charles is taking them
out of the safe deposit this afternoon.'
This could be
what we've been waiting for.
Tell the boys, this afternoon.
- Where is the girl?
- ln the office.
Hm... OK.
Not-a bad. Not-a bad.
She's pretty good, huh?
Her father sent this with her.
You read it.
Vattene!
''Carissimo Giulio,
this is my daughter Rosanna.
''The union of our families will bring to
an end much unnecessary bloodshed,
''and cement agreement that
you will operate unmolested in London,
''leaving my organisation
to operate in Sicily.''
lt's signed Enrico Guardia.
She's a good bargain. Better than l think.
l very happy.
Vattene ti dico!
You don't like-a me...but your father,
he say you must marry me.
Marry you?
Piuttosto mi ammazzerei.
Siete un porco!
Un cane. Una bestia feroce che certo
finir in galera.
l'd rather die!
That can be arranged, too.
lf you want, boss.
No, no, no, no, no.
Sono l'uomo d'onore!
Giulio stick to his bargain.
lt's good for business.
Take her upstairs.
Mama, she tell her
what a nice boy her Giulio is.
Piccolo verme!
Don't worry, Giulio. She really loves you.
That's love. She really loves me.
- Oi!
- Sorry.
Ah-ah!
- lsn't my car ready, Pitkin?
- lt won't be long, sir.
l wanted it for lunch.
Erm... lt wouldn't half
give you indigestion, sir!
Try turning on the water.
Oh... Cor...
No, no, no! Come back.
Turn it on at the nozzle.
Now, don't start larking about.
You're asking for it, ain't you?
- You little...
- No, no!
l'll never get your car done, Mr Ackroyd.
- Where are you?
- Here!
Are you going to give in?
You'll get yourself soaked.
You'll get soaking wet.
- Good heavens, sir! What's happened?
- That lunatic!
Get out. Get out of here!
GET OUT!
You've got my leather.
(Crash)
You're fired!
Hey!
Now what have l done?
One...two chamois leathers, one pail...
one spoke brush.
One cap, peaked, car park attendant,
for the use of.
All correct. And now, Pitkin, get out.
Pitkin!
Mr Bollington, l'd like your permission
to have another go at joining the police.
- Not here.
- lf you'll put in a word for me...
Pitkin, if you were six feet tall, 20 stone,
and were world weightlifting champion,
l still wouldn't put in a word for you.
You're not cut out to be a policeman.
You haven't got it here
and you haven't got it here.
- l'm letting my dad down. Do you see?
- Get out.
Yeah.
You know, Mr Bollington,
you haven't got it here either.
You can rest assured, one of these days
l shall be a policeman.
Just like my dad was.
l'd, erm, like to join the police, please, sir.
- Name?
- Um...Pitkin.
Haven't l seen your face
somewhere before?
No, sorry.
Well, you're a fine, tall specimen.
Wait here. l'll see if l can get you
a medical check.
All...all right.
(Whimpers)
You're lucky. The doctor was just going.
This way.
Well, close the door.
Good gracious!
Well, come on, over here.
Good Lord!
lt's been a shocking old day again,
hasn't it?
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Now, then...
Seven foot one!
Hey, wait a minute, that's my fault.
You've still got your hat on.
Now...
Ooh, damn it. Any damage?
No, it's all right.
- Six foot eleven.
- Yeah.
Come on, over here.
Read that chart.
- Z
- Yeah.
- B
- Clearly.
- R
- Say that again.
R. Aaargh!
That saves time later. Go on, next line.
D, O, H.
P, J, W, E,
W, H, N...
- Hello.
- Hello. Er, D...
- W, Z, T...
- Never mind that for a minute.
- What?
- God!
- What?
- You've got a very good ear.
- Oh. Have l?
- Yeah. Are you fond of music?
Of course. l love music.
Then l might be able
to put you into the police choir.
Ooh! What? ln...
l'm the choirmaster.
- (Excited stuttering)
- Now, don't go away.
Now, then. Wait a minute.
There we are.
Now, see if you can read that.
l think l can.
Q, R, Z...
B flat? A natural?
L, B...
(Sings) C sharp.
(Both sing) G, B, C sharp...
- C sharp.
- And a D. D.
Da dee da-da dee-dee dee-da
la-la-la dee-dee
La-la la-la-tra la-la-la
la-la-la-la la-la-la-la la-la-la la-la lo
La-la-la dicky um-pum
pum-pum dicky-dicky um-pum
La...
La-la-la dicky um-pum
La-la-la
La la la laa-laa-laaaaaa!
- How do you like that tune?
- Oh, pretty, pretty, pretty!
lt's a little thing l knocked off myself.
Yeah? l thought l'd heard it
somewhere before.
Come over here.
Weight!
Come on, then.
Weight.
What is your...weight?
Oh... (Chuckles)
Nine stone 12 pounds dead.
How much alive?
- Oh, yeah.
- How's that?
Come over here.
Now, take your jacket off, roll
your sleeve up and sit down there.
Nine stone 12...dead.
Hold that under there,
there's a good chap.
There we are.
We'll soon get you fixed up.
There.
l don't like the look of that.
lt'll have to come off.
- What? Me arm?
- No, no, no, no. This.
(Air hisses)
The next thing is to test your reflexes.
That's the next item on the agenda, lad.
Now, then. Hold that up there like that.
There we are.
Feel that?
- Your elbow!
- Oh!
Take it away.
- Ow!
- Gotcha!
Cross your legs.
Gotcha!
Relax.
Come here.
- Me?
- Come on.
Got a bit of a limp, haven't you?
l'm sorry, son. l shall have to turn down
your application.
l shall fight it.
l didn't get away with it, Dad.
Why couldn't l be as big as you?
Officer! Officer! Excuse me, Officer.
l'm an American tourist...and l'm lost.
Could you direct me
to Grosvenor Square?
Erm... Grosvenor Square... Erm...
Well, of course,
you'll have to get to the high street first.
And, erm...
l'll take you up there myself.
Oh, that's very kind of you, Officer.
Have you been
to many interesting places?
Oh, indeed l have. Now, let me see.
There was Westminster Abbey
and Buckingham Palace.
And oh, that Bloody Tower!
Oh, yeah, very annoying.
There you are, madam.
Any bus'll do you now. 47, 23...
Do you think you could call me a cab?
Or perhaps you're not
allowed to, Officer?
(Whistles)
l wasn't speeding, guv.
Now, watch it, that's all. Just watch it.
Grosvenor Square, please.
Thank you, Officer.
You London policemen
are just wonderful.
(Man) Evening News and Standard!
All the winners!
Get your evening paper over here.
All the winners,
runners and riders for tomorrow.
Evening News and Standard.
Get your evening paper here.
Evening News and Sta...
Evening News and Standard.
(Subdued) Evening News and Standard.
- Yes?
- Tea, please.
Sugar, Chick.
Hey, copper! That's my tea you got there.
(Laughter)
(Car horn blares)
Hey!
Come 'ere.
You're not allowed to play football in
the streets. You know that, don't you?
But there's nowhere else to play.
l can't help that.
You're not allowed to play here.
But can't we just have one game
of football, please, sir?
Not here, you can't.
But we haven't got anywhere else
to play, sir.
- You'll have to find somewhere.
- But there isn't nowhere, sir.
- lsn't there?
- No, sir.
- Just a couple of kicks, then.
- (All cheer)
(All shouting)
Oi! Oi! Quiet!
Now, break it up, boys.
You've started to make a noise already.
He started it.
He kicked off before we was ready.
Sir, will you be our referee?
You got the whistle.
(All) Yeah! Go on!
All right.
Just five minutes each way, then.
(All cheer)
Go on, get in your places.
(Blows whistle)
(Whistle continues)
Hey!
l repeat, this information is to all cars.
Not too hard. Argh!
Oh.
25...
Ooh, there's hundreds.
- Aren't you going to play any more?
- Haven't you got me in enough trouble?
(All) Stop!
Oi!
- Where did he go, sir?
- l don't know. What does he look like?
- Don't know, sir.
- l don't know, sir.
What do you mean?
You've seen him, haven't you?
No, sir.
Somebody must know
what he looks like. Who gave the alarm?
Who blew the whistle?
- l thought you blew it.
- Not me.
- Well, who did? Was it you?
- Oh, no, sir. We were playing cards, sir.
We were standing by in S Division, sir.
- Who did?
- l was on duty at Tottenham, sir.
(All muttering)
There he goes, down the alley.
Quick! Come on!
You mustn't cross on the stairs.
lt's unlucky.
Come on!
Spread out!
Are you going to be our referee again?
No, l'm not!
Don't worry, we've got our own whistle.
Have you?
Oh, don't blow it! Argh!
That's my dad's.
(Sings La Donna Mobile)
Boss, you want your holster?
No, no, no. Tonight is for the lovings.
You like this Rosanna?
Oh ho! Sure thing.
She have the curves in the right places.
l don't think she's too sold on you.
Oh, she play hard to get.
She change her mind
when l take her in my arms
and give her the big kiss
and whisper in her ear,
''Darling, you look so pretty,
''so very, very pretty.''
Everything, is it fixed for the job tonight?
You'll have the old girl's jewels
tomorrow.
Ah, Giulio, mio bambino!
Oh, you are handsome tonight!
(Ribs crunching)
Oh, mama mia!
l smell pretty good, too, huh?
Yeah, like a scent factory.
Shut your mouth. You will-a spoke
when you are speaken to.
Now, get out.
You too, mama mia. Here are the tickets
for the Albert Hall.
For the opera?
No, for the wrestling.
ls good fun, you like.
- (Bones cracking)
- Mama!
Ciao!
ls good. At last we are together.
Mia carissima Rosanna, quanto sei bella!
Your eyes are as blue
as the Bay of Naples.
Lasciatemi stare.
Your lips sono magnifici! Vieni, vieni!
Vorrei tornare in ltalia.
Oh, you want play?
Rosanna, put your arms around me
and enjoy yourself.
lt don't hurt. lt don't hurt!
Let that be the last time
you impersonate a police officer.
Just a minute.
Where are you taking that uniform?
Home.
That's Metropolitan Police property.
That's my dad's.
Go on, hop it.
Hey! No, wait. No, don't do it!
Don't do it!
Help! Anybody can swim?
Anyone can swim? There's a girl...
Ti odio!
Perch non mi lasciate tornare in ltalia.
Shh! You'll have the police here.
l've only just got out.
l will never marry you. Never.
l haven't asked you to, have l?
l am sorry.
l think you are somebody else.
- You're foreign, ain't you?
- But you are not Giulio?
Oh, no, l'm Norman.
Erm...Norman Pitkin, that is.
l'm erm...
l'm a policeman.
A policeman?
Your uniform, where is she?
Oh, well... You know, l haven't been...
you might say, not properly accepted,
not as yet.
Just a question of time.
They don't understand.
Erm... What is your name?
Rosanna.
Yeah? And where do you live?
l have nowhere to live now.
Oh. Well, how would you like to come
round to my place for the night, then?
l just want to get your clothes off.
l mean...to get into dry ones.
- Coming, then?
- Grazie.
Grazie. That's thank you in foreign,
ain't it? That's nice.
Morning, Mr Pitkin.
l've brought you a nice cup of...
Mr Pitkin!
Mr Pitkin?
You're not Mr Pitkin.
No. No, l am Rosanna.
What are you doing here?
Mr Pitkin, he brought me home
with him last night.
- Oh, did he?
- Oh, no. You don't understand.
Mr Pitkin saved my life.
Did he really?
Oh, yes, he was so brave. Thank you.
He dive into the river. l was drowned.
Drowning.
And he rescue me from drown.
Just like Mr Pitkin! Where is he now?
Sergeant Wilkins to see you, sir.
Tell her to come in.
Well, Sergeant Wilkins?
l proceeded to Maison Giulio,
where, after a preliminary examination,
he styled my hair in the modern manner.
Yes, yes. Go on.
l observed there were microphones
hidden under all the tables.
l then exposed some movie film
of the actions and behaviour
of the suspect, Giulio Napolitani.
l have here some still photographs
enlarged from the film.
Thank you.
So this is Giulio Napolitani.
Well, l'm damned!
Hobson, Belcher, come in here, quickly.
Hobson, Belcher, who's that?
- Giulio Napolitani, sir.
- No, no, no!
Who does it remind you of?
Who is it like?
Who's the little fool in the car park,
washes the cars down?
Pitkin, sir.
We have to plant someone at
Napolitani's to get the evidence we need.
- Right, Hobson? Belcher?
- Yes, sir.
Well, there's your man.
Take away the moustache, cover the hair
and who have you got?
(Both) Pitkin!
Pitkin? Oh, but sir, that'd be madness.
Forgive me, gentlemen.
l was carried away.
Just for a moment, l thought...
- Sergeant, a glass of water, please.
- Yes, sir.
(Phone)
Yes?
Home Secretary, sir.
- Yes, sir?
- (Ranting furiously)
Yes, sir.
We think we have a plan, sir.
There's no other way. Get Pitkin.
Hello, lnspector. l hear you're not going
to the Yard today. Got the sack?
When you're as important as Mr Pitkin,
you'll be able to take a day off.
Good afternoon.
l would like to talk to Mr Pitkin.
Who shall l say is enquiring?
- Superintendent Hobson, Scotland Yard.
- Oh, yes, he's right here.
- Hello, Pitkin.
- Hello, Super.
l should like a few words with you.
Do you mind?
This is a private police matter.
Oh, no, of course not. Allow me.
Norman.
Thank you.
So you see, Pitkin, although technically
you will still be a car park attendant,
in actual fact you will be doing
a job of national importance.
But l got the sack.
That's another job!
Now, what's your answer?
lf l'm to do a police job,
l want to be in the police.
That's out of the question!
Now, Pitkin, Sir Ronald Ackroyd
has personally authorised me
to offer you a raise
of half a crown a week.
Half a crown?
Money isn't everything.
lt's either the police or nothing.
So there it is. Hobson's choice, ain't it?
Or rather, Mr Hobson's choice.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
- You're too small!
- l'm not.
- Yes, you are!
- Oh.
Well, in that case, l see no point
in discussing the matter any further.
Good afternoon, Superintendent.
- Now, wait a minute, Pitkin...
- Good afternoon, Superintendent.
Madam, may l phone Scotland Yard?
Oh! Well, of course.
- The number is Whitehall 1212.
- l'm aware of that, madam.
(lnaudible)
May l use your... Oh.
(Knocking on door)
Do come in.
Thank you.
Sir Ronald Ackroyd, Commissioner of
the Metropolitan Police, for Mr Pitkin.
Now, what's all this l hear, Pitkin?
- He insists on joining the force, sir.
- We've told him he can't.
They're right. l'm sorry.
Then l am not interested
in returning to Scotland Yard.
Not unless l'm a proper policeman,
like my dad was.
Yes, splendid looking fellow.
Of course.
- Taller than you.
- He was older than me.
l hope you're not annoyed because
l sacked you yesterday, Pitkin.
l was a bit, cos you was messing about
just as much as l was, weren't you?
Truth? Truth?
All right, Pitkin, perhaps l was.
Now, let's discuss this matter as friends.
- Pot of tea?
- No, thank you.
What's your first name, old chap?
Erm... Norman.
Well, then, Norman, isn't it reward
enough to bring a criminal to justice?
Oh, now, wait a minute, Ron.
Let's be fair.
l am not going to do it,
not unless l am in the police.
Not what you might call
or commonly refer to as ''in''.
All right, Pitkin. lf you insist.
- But the regulations, sir!
- Change them. He's the key to this job.
Now, does that satisfy you, Norman?
What? Being the key, Ron?
Does that satisfy me?
R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-Ron!
Oh, Mr Hobson,
so now we're all as one, ain't we?
Hey, what's your first name?
Cecil.
Bert.
Aw, Cec, this is it!
l'm just going to pop upstairs and...
Bert Belcher,
you could have had me over then.
You...!
Oh, thank heavens we haven't split up!
Oh, what a team, eh?
Ron, Cec, Bert, and now Norm!
The four just men.
ln case you think
l've taken leave of my senses,
Pitkin remains in the force
only until the job is done.
ln the meantime, we must accept him
and train him for special duties.
When you say we, sir,
do you actually mean we?
Yes!
We.
Rosanna?
Come in.
Rosanna, it's happened! lt's happened!
They've taken me.
l'm going to get sworn in.
You have to swear?
Oh... Oh, no.
You don't understand, do you?
l am going to be a policeman.
Aren't you pleased?
Si. Si, Norman. Complimenti.
- Are you going out, Rosanna?
- Si. And l not come back.
Did l do something wrong?
No. No, Norman.
You never do anybody wrong.
Only right you do.
But you're too good to me and...
l must go.
But...there must be a reason.
- Do you want to go?
- Oh, no. You have to pay for me here.
Oh. Why, l don't mind.
But l am not your... How you say?
Responsibilita.
ls not fair l should stay here longer.
But this is the first time in my life
that l've ever...
- l like being responsible for you.
- You are so sweet.
You make l should want to cry.
Then you will stay?
Si. l stay.
That's settled, then.
You wait till you see me in my uniform!
l just go out now, Mrs Stammers.
We go. Let's pick her up. Presto.
Do you want me? l have found
a smashing uniform. lt's got everything.
So kind of you to grace us with your
presence, Pitkin.
Yes, we do want you. There's a film
we want you to see. Sit down.
Pictures! We're not going to see
a picture, are we?
Cor! This is the life, ain't it?
And you waited for me
before you started the programme.
Oh, now l know l'm one of you.
l won't forget this. l won't forget it.
All right, here we go, then.
Hello, spring's gone on this one.
Pitkin, you're on my hand.
Hobson, we are getting
a little pressed for time.
- Yes, l think we should start.
- Good idea. Lights!
- Hello? Busted already?
- No, Pitkin, not busted.
- What? That's not it, is it?
- That is it.
- And that's what you have to copy.
- What do you mean?
You saw how the man walked.
Let's see you do that.
Who? Me?
What...?
Hear what he's saying?
- Did he mean it?
- Of course.
That is, if you really want
to stay in the police.
Oh, yeah, well...
l want to stay.
- l can't stand much more of this.
- We've no alternative, sir.
Now, Pitkin.
Can l see a bit more of the picture,
Mr Hobson?
l feel l'll be able to master it. Eh?
- Roll 'em.
- Lights!
Lights!
Lights!
Pitkin!
(Norman) Lights!
(Knock on door)
You put the lights out before l was ready
and l finished up...
out there.
Pitkin!
To avoid confusion, it would be better if
only one of us gave the orders!
Roll.
(Whispers) Lights.
Lights!
Lights.
- Sorry.
- (Yells)
l've had enough of this.
Forget the film, forget the lights.
- l'll forget all about it.
- Now, Pitkin, try.
Try and get this one little thing right.
You'll get all l've got.
Watch me carefully. l'll show you.
As you put your foot forward,
you let your weight rest onto it,
so that your hip swings outwards.
Then change feet - that is to say
turn on the other one,
transferring the weight
in the same manner.
Now this you continue to do alternately.
Now, having once mastered
the movement of our hips and our feet,
we bring our artistic hands into play,
and there we are.
- Now you do it.
- Just one moment, Hobson.
Constable, fetch a couple of books,
will you, please?
- (Whispers)
- Very good idea, sir.
No. Hand shoulder high.
Watch your feet.
- Whey hey! Lady Chatterly's...
- On your head.
- No. lmagine it, Pitkin.
- l will, l will.
- Yes, imagine it.
- Grip meself.
- On me head now.
- On your head.
That's it. That's better, that's splendid!
Now your head!
Keep the moving, not static.
And don't forget your hips. Lovely!
Head, your head! Movement!
Oh, sir, he's got it, he's got it!
Any progress?
Oh, sir, he's fabulous!
Can l get my uniform now, sir?
- By all means.
- Oh, thank you, sir.
Congratulations, gentlemen.
Rosanna! Rosanna!
She's gone, Mr Pitkin.
She walked out this morning.
She hasn't come back.
- Didn't she leave any message?
- No.
- You liked her, didn't you, Mr Pitkin?
- Yes.
Of course, she was...
She was too pretty for me.
Never mind, Mr Pitkin. Your police work
will occupy your mind.
Two more robberies.
They point to the same gang.
- The Napolitani mob.
- Yes, sir.
How's Pitkin's training coming along?
What you might call slowly, sir.
Very slowly.
Well, it can't be helped.
We can't delay any longer.
Bring Napolitani in for questioning.
Oh, Miss Wilkins! Ooh!
- l'm so sorry.
- Oh, you're welcome. Please sit down.
- Two gentlemen from the police, signor.
- La polizia? Grazie.
- Are you Giulio Napolitani?
- Everyone knows Giulio Napolitani.
Would you mind coming with us
to Scotland Yard?
- What for you want me?
- Nothing to worry about, sir.
OK.
Vince, send for my lawyer.
(Giulio) 'Oberon prepare,
Giulio he create.'
They've brought Napolitani in.
- Very nice, eh, Hobson?
- lt's in-a-the-bag, Ronna!
You know what you have to do, Pitkin?
Having gained entry to the premises
of one Giulio Matolipani,
l ascertain what use he makes
of the microphones,
and if he's got any stolen property
concealed in the buildings. Yeah?
Quite right. Don't forget,
we can't hold Napolitani for long.
- Of course not.
- You've got exactly 40 minutes.
Awwwww!
Well, here we go, then.
Ta.
All right, Ron. Don't let me down.
Ta-ta, Cec.
- l think it's going to work.
- Yes, sir.
- Oberon, do you realise...
- l've told you, l'm terribly sorry!
- Where's Giulio?
- l've been like this for hours!
Oh, Giulio, where are you?
You're on your own now, Pitkin.
Remember, you've exactly 30 minutes.
All right, then.
(All arguing)
Giulio!
Just a minute. Uno momento!
Uno momento!
What for you making all of this-a noise?
Shut-a up! Silenci!
Silenci-i-i-i-i-i!
Oh, you are so masterful.
You've all got to take-a your-a turn.
Comprenez?
l've only got-a the one pair of hands.
Marvellous. Right, then, who's-a first-a?
(All shouting)
l've been in such a tizz.
Where have you been?
What's happened to sir's style?
Oh, that's more like sir.
Signor!
Mrs Ashby. Signor Giulio, madam.
About time, too.
- First-a, the wash.
- l've had it washed once.
Your hair-a is-a no good.
lt's gone grey.
So would yours have
if you'd waited as long as l have.
Er... Oberon, give it a bit of a wash.
Giulio...he create.
Signor Giulio?
(Whispers) Pitkin!
- How did you know?
- lt's me.
Pitkin, look!
Oh, it's Sergeant Wilkins!
- There's a microphone under the table.
- What?
There's a mic...
Switch on the dryer
so no one can hear us.
- The what?
- Dryer.
- l've-l've-l've found something.
- What?
l've found something!
- There's a microphone under the table.
- l know.
- Do you think anyone heard us?
- Shhh!
Tra tra tra da dal la la la la Sing!
La la Sing!
Home, sweet home
coming through the rye...
The maestro is in great form today.
- We're being watched.
- Are we?
Do something to my hair.
- What shall l do?
- Anything.
Pitkin!
For heaven's sake, go away.
My new hat! You've ruined it!
How dare you?
(Sobbing)
- What's the matter?
- You've made me look so lovely.
- But you are lovely.
- Yes, l know.
- l like all my ladies to look lovely.
- But l'm rather special, aren't l?
You've made me feel so happy.
l'm... l'm happy, too.
Oberon! Over here.
Eh? lsn't she lovely?
Have a closer look.
- Oberon!
- Oh, Giulio!
Excuse me, l can't bear it.
- Pitkin, have you discovered anything?
- Not yet.
(Sobbing)
Pitkin, pull yourself together.
- l've got to talk to you.
- All right, then.
- No, no, no.
- l've got to be doing something.
Don't cut off any more of my hair.
Well, come over here.
You've got to do something.
- l'll give you a shampoo.
- l've had a sham...
l didn't mean that!
Have a shave.
Pitkin...you've got to find out
(Nasally) where those microphones
lead to.
(Nasally) How do l do that?
Trace the wires. Follow them through
to the very end.
(Nasally) Sergeant Wilkins, l shall trace
those wires if it's the last thing l ever do.
Oh, Giulio, put me down, put me down!
Try not to create suspicion.
ls an outrage! l demand you release
my client immediately.
l have here the habeus corpus.
Keep calm. Why don't we sit down
and talk this over quietly?
- No sit down!
- No sit down!
- No talk!
- No talk!
- Release us.
- Release us.
- Scotland Yard we will sue!
- Scotland Yard we will sue!
- Shut-a your mouth.
- Shut your mouth.
Shut-a YOUR mouth.
(Both yelling in ltalian)
- ls there anything wrong, Giulio?
- Someone's standing on the wire.
- We're having trouble with the girl.
- Yeah? Uh, the girl?
She's breaking the place up.
You'd better come.
Erm... You lead-a the way-a.
What's the matter? Aren't you coming?
Sergeant Wilkins!
(Whimpers)
Stop, stop!
Va all'inferno!
Rosanna!
Leave me alone.
Odio! Odio! Odio!
Get out of it, all of you.
Go on, leave it to Giulio.
No, don't! No! No, no, no, no, no.
lt's all right, Rosanna.
Look, it's me, Norman.
Norman? What are you do here?
Collecting evidence against Giulio
Napolitani. We haven't got much time.
- Where's the safe?
- No, we are not safe.
You don't understand, do you?
The safe!
l've had to let Napolitani go.
He's on his way to the salon.
lt's not giving Pitkin time enough.
We'll have to raid the premises.
Here you are, sir.
Thank-a you for-a nothing!
- Norman. Norman!
- Not now. l'm looking for something.
- ls this what you are look for?
- No, l want the safe.
Giulio. Giulio?
- You're upstairs.
- No, no, l am downstairs. Upstairs is...
All right.
Presto, presto! Dobbiamo partire.
This is a job where you've got to hurry
up and keep calm at the same time.
l can't understand it.
l thought it'd be easy.
l thought it'd just be click-click-click,
and then clack-clack.
And then all of a sudden, open sesame.
All you need is the combinations.
l know that. How to get the combination,
that's the thing, ain't it?
Ooh!
Erm... What you gonna have?
You look like me but not so handsome.
Who are you?
l am Police Constable Pitkin
of Scotland Yard,
and l warn you that anything you say will
be taken down and used in evidence.
Shut-a your mouth.
l kill you. l smash-a you.
l slit-a your throat from here to here.
l feel it's only fair to warn you
that to slit a policeman's throat
from here to here, definitely illegal.
Shall l kill him now, boss?
(Giulio) No, not-a yet.
OK, the police want-a Giulio,
they get-a Giulio.
But not-a this one.
All right, kill him, but not here.
- What about the girl?
- No, no. l'll give in. Leave her alone.
(Norman) l'll go. Please.
No, Norman. Giulio!
You can't do this. He only do his job.
Please don't kill him.
All right, all right. Vince, Manzini, take
him for a ride in the country in my car.
No monkey business.
Otherwise Mr Pitkin, bang bang.
Bang!
Giulio Napolitani, you are under arrest.
No, Ron, you're making a mistake.
l'm Norman, see?
You fool!
Napolitani must still be in the salon.
Come on.
Ron! No, Ron, l couldn't help it. Ron!
- Cover the door. Don't let him in.
- Yes, sir.
All right, nobody leave the premises.
- What do you want?
- You're under arrest.
- Superintendent?
- Not now, madam.
Hobson!
- Giulio Napolitani, you are under arrest.
- Oh, Ron! How many more times?
Look, it's me, Norman.
l told you to keep out of here.
Hobson!
Get this man out...
Giulio Napolitani, you are under arrest.
Don't be ridiculous, this is Pitkin.
Siete pazzi, voi inglesi.
Non vedete che questo Giulio.
- Constable, look after this young lady.
- Questo il vero Giulio, non Norman!
Napolitani.
Giulio Napoli...
Pitkin?
Giulio Napolitani, you are under arrest.
Pack it up, Cecil!
Ron, you're wrong, Ron.
Wrong again, Ron.
Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, Ron!
Giulio Napo...
Giu...
Ah!
Just as l thought.
Giulio, on behalf of Ron Ackroyd,
Cecil Hobson... Erm...
Bert Belcher and indeed, all the lot of us,
l hereby place you under arrest.
Now you are in trouble!
Damaging a police constable's hat -
and it's not mine either.
Oh, Ron will be pleased.
We've got the whole place surrounded,
so Napolitani must still be inside.
l know that, Belcher, but where?
Hobson, that man again.
- Pitkin, what have you got in there?
- Washing! Eh, Ron?
- Put him under arrest.
- What for?
Pitkin!
No, Ron, that is Giulio. l am Pitkin!
l know. Have him taken away.
No, no, no. The prisoner.
Well done, Constable Pitkin.
Constable?
You mean l'm still in the force?
- You're a credit to the force.
- Oh, Ron! Ron!
Now you've got everything
you ever wanted.
- Well, no, there's one little thing.
- What's that?
Well...l want some leave.
- Leave? What for?
- Um, well...
l want to get married.
( Wedding March)
Hold it, group.
(Police whistles)
(Whistles feebly)
Wait for me!