Once Upon a Deadpool (2018) Movie Script

Frosted Flakey.
Hey, brought you
a special present.
Come on.
Story time, chicken nugget.
Rise and shine,
there we go.
Clear eyes, full hearts,
can't lose.
Welcome back.
What's going on?
Wait a minute... What?
Where am I?
- Who dressed me?
- I did.
I'm a big fan of bears.
I'm not wearing pants.
When's the last time you saw
a bear wearing pants?
What the...
Easy now. Hey.
The only F-bomb
we're using around here...
is "Fred Savage."
Now, I want you to take
a deep breath...
and listen to me
very carefully, Frederick.
You're in a PG-13 version
of Deadpool 2.
- Which means we only get two...
- one...
and a glass
of white wine.
Are you bleeping yourself?
- You bet your...
- little... I am.
That seems weird that
you would do that yourself.
Please stop that.
Did you reconstruct
the bedroom set
from The Princess Bride?
Oh, God.
Yeah, always wanted
to say that.
Felt real good.
Why am I here?
Well, the reason that you're
voluntarily here...
is that so I could read you
the story of Deadpool 2...
filtered through the prism
of childlike innocence.
I'm a grown man.
And nobody does
childlike innocence
like you, Fred. Nobody.
I need you almost as much
as you need me.
I don't need you. At all.
You need me to untie you...
once we're done.
Hey! Easy, sugar mouth.
This thing will go all day,
all right? Lithium-ion
batteries. Hey...
you are gonna love this story.
I promise you.
It's got fencing,
giants, monsters,
true love...
and miracles.
Once upon a time, there was
a boy named Deadpool...
who starred in a surprisingly
popular movie...
which, in an industry
dominated by
the exploitation
of existing brands...
demanded an immediate sequel.
And, believe it or not,
Deadpool 2 is a family film.
True story.
And every good family film
starts with a vicious murder.
Bambi, The Lion King, Saw 7.
Really, anything from Disney.
And this family film
is no different.
Anyway, you know I get paid
to take out bad guys, right?
Well, this guy, oof...
he was one of
the worst of 'em.
Open up! Let me in!
He's got a...
A panic room? Really?
Can you come out?
I really have to go.
It's my anniversary.
Over and over,
I hear people say,
"I just don't have
enough confidence."
Listen, confidence is not
something you have.
It's something you create.
And you can create it
at any moment in time.
A sense of confidence
is nothing
but a sense of power
within yourself...
Start the car!
Start the car!
Dopinder, start the car!
- Whoo!
- Oh, I shit my pants.
Actually, that may
have been me.
Oh, mission accomplished?
Oh, in a George W.
sort of way.
Can't stay
in a panic room forever.
Oh, you're living
the dreams, DP.
It has been
quite the run, Dopinder,
and who'da thought?
Now I'm talked about in the
same sentence as Jesus and It.
Passion of the Christ,
then me.
At least domestically.
We beat them overseas,
where there's no such thing
as religion.
I do want to live
the dreams, Pool Boy.
Taxiing is not as sexy
as it looks.
- I want to fill my...
- Pockets?
What's your poison?
A little, uh, Instagram?
Can't maintain focus
without buying shoes online?
I've never experienced
that last one.
Talk to me, Goose.
I was going to say "soul".
I want to fill my soul.
I want to belong to something,
like you, Pool, sir.
- Dopinder...
- Hmm?
You never cease
to surprise me.
You know, the depth of
your heart is extraordinary.
We all need
a sense of belonging.
We all need
a genuine sense of home.
A place in this world.
I want to become
a contract killer.
I'm sorry.
What did you say?
Remember when
I kidnapped Bandhu
and threatened him
with great violence?
You kind of killed him.
And then remember the movie
Interview with the Vampire?
Don't want to.
When Tom Cruise fed
Kirsten Dunst blood
for the first time...
and she looked up
at his smooth,
handsome face and said...
"I want some more."
Oh, Pool, picture me,
a 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst.
I'll never not
picture that.
But I can't wait
to never speak of this,
as soon as possible.
We're here.
You're my Tom Cruise!
And you're my Kristen Dunst!
Kristen? Kirsten?
Sorry I'm late.
There was a bunch of
handicapable children
stuck in a tree...
You're right.
I was rounding up
all the gluten in the world...
and launching it into space
where it can't not hurt us
ever again.
Try again.
We can't be sure
till I get this suit off...
but, uh,
all signs point to yes.
Kiss me like you miss me, Red.
Well, come here.
Aren't you gonna say it?
- Say what?
- You know...
The thing.
The part, where,
you know...
- You want me to say the thing?
- Yeah, from...
Oh, you want me to say the...
From the... No.
"Is this a kissing book?"
- I'm not gonna say that.
- Why?
Because I don't think that's
gross anymore. I'm not 12.
And I think a kiss is
a very sweet, loving gesture
between two people.
Unlike taping someone to a bed
and kidnapping them.
I did not kidnap you!
All right?
I like to call it "unsolicited
location enhancement."
Whatever, ball gag.
I'm just saying that
if you're gonna force me
to sit here
and listen to this crap...
I'm gonna have
thoughts, okay?
I'm gonna opine about things,
all right?
I'm an actor,
I'm a director.
I know. I love
Modern Family so much.
The point is,
you need to anchor
the story in believability...
and I just don't believe
that she'd be kissing you.
I mean, she's gorgeous,
and you're, like, you know...
if Rocky Dennis
had a baby with lava.
Hey, zip it.
We already pay someone to say
stuff like that to me, okay?
And you're wrong
because she would kiss me.
She loves my insides.
Trust me.
We all saw the first movie.
I didn't.
I kinda prefer
Marvel movies.
We are Marvel.
Yeah, but you're, you know,
Marvel licensed by Fox.
It's like if The Beatles
were produced by Nickelback.
It's music...
but it sucks.
Just checking the nose
for blood, there.
I love Nickelback!
You get your dirty mitts
off Chad Kroeger.
And the joke's on you because
Fox is being bought by Disney.
Mouse ears.
I think that puts
the joke on you.
Ears closed. Mouth open.
You were nicer as a kid.
Now, where was I?
Wade swept Vanessa
into his finely toned arms...
and she kissed him
with an expression that could
mean only one thing...
true love.
I'm gonna shower and get out
of this suit. In that order.
Don't you want
your surprise?
Do I look like
a patient burn victim?
I got one for you, too.
Happy anniversary, baby.
Open, open, open.
Skee-Ball token.
Our first date.
That's genuine,
high-grade lead.
I'll keep it forever.
Thank you, baby.
- Open yours.
- All right, all right.
Well, that's...
That's just the most
beautiful thing that I've...
I don't know what this is.
A bomb?
No, dick for brains.
My birth control device.
What, you mean that your...
Baby factory's open
for business.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! I want a boy!
Or a little girl!
Definitely one or the other!
Oh! And I want our kid
to have only one name.
Like Cher or Todd.
You gotta put a baby
in me first, cowboy.
Yes, I do.
Let's watch some porn
and show that bed who's boss.
Let's do that.
Can you hear me?
Papa, can you see me?
Does this song
sound familiar to you?
Connor, if it's a boy.
May, if it's a girl.
So weird.
Family was always
an F-word to me.
My pile of shit father
took off and bailed.
I mean, it's not like I have
a lot of strong role models
to draw off of for Todd.
Look at me.
You are not your father.
I will never, ever
let our child be named Todd.
But here's the thing,
isn't that how
it always works?
Like in Star Wars,
men are destined
to become their father...
and then have consensual sex
with their sister?
I think you missed big,
big chunks of that movie.
No, I'm pretty sure
Luke nailed her.
Baby, that's Empire.
The point is, kids...
they give us a chance
to be better than we are.
Better than we used to be.
You're a lot smarter
than I look.
I'm gonna go make dessert.
And then...
let's make a super baby.
What about Krystal?
But with a "K"?
It's too stripper-y.
Kevin with a "K"!
No, too stripper-y, too.
Uh, Earl!
He's gonna go straight to jail
if we name him Earl.
What about Bruce?
Get down.
Baby? Baby?
I'm okay.
Thank God I didn't have to use
the cream cheese spreader.
Please. Please.
Baby, I'm so sorry.
Wait. Wait a minute.
You fridged Vanessa?
Uh, "fridged." I don't
know what that means.
It's a comic book trope,
in which the wife or the
girlfriend of the hero dies...
in order to further said
hero's motivation or story.
that sounds misogynistic.
Yeah. It reduces the woman
to a plot device...
existing in the film
for no other reason
than to serve as a source
of pain for the hero.
Like Mufasa in The Lion King.
Yeah, that's right, like
Mufasa from The Lion King.
You got it.
Papa, can you hear me?
Is it just me, or does
Do You Want to Build
a Snowman? from Frozen...
sound suspiciously like
Papa, Can You Hear Me?
from Yentl?
Papa, can you hear me?
Wade, you've been here
for three days, okay?
Go home, take a shower.
You smell like
Rush Limbaugh's couch cushions
after Shark Week.
I love Frozen.
I loved her. I loved her
like an ocean loves water.
An ocean is water.
More importantly, I liked her.
I really liked her, you know?
George Michael was right.
I'm never gonna dance again.
Oh, God.
He's dead, too.
At least we still have Bowie.
Mr. Pool,
David Bowie is...
Uh, uh, uh...
...still with us.
We do. We still have Bowie.
I'm sorry.
Shot after shot,
it's not gonna change the fact
that I think you're...
Are you pissing?
Are you urinating right now?
You're making the face that
you make when you urinate.
- Is he pissing?
- I'm on it!
There you go, Dopinder.
If you want to be
a contract killer...
you gotta handle a mop
before you handle a gun.
Although I don't
quite understand
how they are
at all similar.
Well, they both have handles.
Now, leave me.
Go home, Wade.
I don't have a home,
Weas, you know. I got a...
Okay, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
You know what "fine"
stands for, Wade?
F'd up, insecure, needy,
and emotional.
According to the...
- Kubler-Ross.
- Yeah.
According to
the Kubler-Ross model...
denial is just one of
the five stages of grief.
Jesus Christ, Buck!
No more speaking lines
for you.
"I'm thinking it over!"
The hell you doin' here?
Don't you know
how to knock?
I thought you saw me...
with your ears.
You're lucky I didn't
shoot you in the...
The wall?
The refrigerator?
I'm in so much pain.
I heard the news,
I'm very sorry. I am.
What am I gonna do, Al?
Probably something terrible.
Knowing you.
It was my fault.
I did this.
And all I wanna do
is grab her and see her
and tell her that I'm sorry,
and I can't.
She's gone.
Now, look, sugar.
You need to just keep living.
Thank you...
Matthew McConaughey,
your words are a treasure.
Listen to the pain.
It's both history teacher
and fortune teller.
Pain teaches us
who we are, Wade.
Sometimes it's so bad,
we feel like we're dying.
But we can't really live till
we've died a little, can we?
Precious, aren't they?
Are you a superhero?
You bet your pigtails,
What's your name?
Captain Delicious Pants.
Who's Captain Delicious Pants?
No, no, no.
Come on, hey.
There's, like, a hundred
benches around here.
Go find another...
Beat it.
It's a free country.
You're right.
It is a free country.
Hey, I want to just say,
I loved your work in Up.
I'm sorry?
I'm sorry.
What? You don't like Up?
There's gotta be
some way to die.
I just need to die harder.
Trademark Fox.
Your crazy
matches my crazy.
Skee-Ball token.
I love you,
Wade Wilson.
Ness, there's something here.
I can't get to you.
Your heart's not
in the right place.
Wait, hold on. What?
Your heart's not
in the right place.
Wait. What do you mean
my heart's not in the right
place? What does it...
Turns out,
I can die a little.
I just can't stay dead.
I'm terribly sorry for your
loss, Wade. You're broken.
I know that voice.
"Heart's in the right place."
"Heart's in the..."
What does that mean?
You've been sleep
for three days.
I took a liberty
of dressing you.
No kidding.
Why can't I finally die?
Take your mask off, Wade.
We must talk.
You need fresh start.
With training,
you can be X-Man.
You're wasting your time,
Shiny Jesus.
I'm not X-Man material.
of the year.
Wade, Yukio.
Yukio, Wade.
What in the fudgcicle is this?
She's my girlfriend,
you intolerant...
Whoa! Pump the hate brakes,
Fox & Friends.
I'm just surprised
anyone would date you.
Especially Pinkie Pie
from My Little Pony.
I like this guy.
Give him a chance.
It's great seeing you
like this.
Bye, Wade!
Now, some ground rules
while under our roof.
"Rule number one.
No killing...
"anyone ever,
no matter how bad.
"Rule two. Label everything
in refrigerator."
Don't try to chase me.
I'm not ready
to be touched again.
All these elderly white men
on the walls...
Should have brought
my rape whistle.
Those were already damaged
after they fell there!
What am I supposed
to do around here, anyway?
Sit in a share circle,
talk about my feelings?
And how would I
do that exactly?
'Cause where the hell
is everyone?
It's always just you
and Negasonic Teenage
Longest Name Ever...
I said no touching!
You'd think the studio
would throw us a bone.
One that doesn't
end up in my mouth.
The first movie
made more money
than the guy
who invented pants.
They can't just dust off
one of the famous X-Men?
How 'bout that putz
with the giant pigeon wings?
What do those do anyway, huh?
Carry him
three feet off the ground
to snatch up
the nearest muffin crumb?
No, no, no!
I am not X-Man material
at all.
First off...
I'm not even a virgin.
Second and more...
I should have left you
in the self-pity mess
I found you in.
But this is what friends do.
They show up!
Not when convenient
or easy.
When hard,
and you always make it hard.
You are unwell.
I'm sticking my neck out
bringing you here.
One of the assholes
who killed Vanessa got away.
Oh, Jesus Christ!
I thought you were gonna
kiss me for a second there.
Please know I wouldn't be able
to stop you if you did.
Wade, whoever they are...
we track them down
and bring them to justice.
It was me.
I'm the asshole who got away.
I killed every last one
of them, except me.
Couldn't kill me.
We were gonna start a family.
We were, uh...
We were gonna be a family.
Vanessa is gone.
She's not coming back.
This may not be
family you want...
but it's family you need.
You have a good heart.
It belongs here
where it can grow.
What did you say?
About my heart?
I think
I'm in the right place.
Cable? You got Cable?
If I didn't know
any better,
I'd say that
you're getting into this.
You know Cable?
Uh, the biological son of
Cyclops and Madelyne Pryor...
Jean Grey's clone.
Half-brother to Rachel Summers
and Nate Grey.
Raised as the Askani's son,
and genetic template
for Stryfe.
From a possible
alternate timeline...
having been taken as an
infant to the future...
and infected with
a techno-organic virus.
I hope you have given
this deeply-nuanced
and richly-layered backstory
its due.
Yeah, we're covering
the time travel stuff.
We have
eight weeks of boot camp
ahead of us, men.
That'll get us
toned and prepared
for all matter of combat.
Not working out at all.
Masking tape. It is no friend
to chilled aluminum.
Color-coded. Efficient.
Environmentally friendly.
Who's he talking to?
And why is he dressed like
a registered sex offender?
Can we focus for a moment,
Please, we need to talk about
next month's meal plan.
Obviously, everyone hated
the ceviche.
I read the suggestion box.
That's on me.
I'm gonna stop you
right there.
I see through
this weak act.
You may have fooled Colossus
with this nice guy shit...
but not me.
Don't be mean.
Back off, NTW.
No, no, no.
No, let her go.
Let her go. It's okay. She
has a right to be skeptical.
Look at me.
I'm an easy target.
You know, historically,
mischief has been
my mistress...
so I understand, you know.
But I like to think that...
well, you guys have really
rubbed off on me.
I like to think that I've
rubbed off around you too.
A lot.
And for the first time
in a long while...
I like me.
I accept your apology.
I never apologized.
I was talking to your heart.
See? You're not
lost cause you thought.
I'm proud. You're everything
I knew you can be.
Thank you, Colossus.
Just trying to be
the world's best X-Man.
Sorry, X-Person.
Hmm. Something wrong
with the soap.
It's fine. I just filled it.
Give it
a few more pumps there.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
it's dust bunny season...
and I'm hunting wabbits.
Bye, Wade.
Hey, I was just taking Cerebro
for a spin here...
looking deep into the future.
Phew. This thing...
- That's not how Cerebro works.
- That's not how Cerebro works.
Yes. Yes, it is.
- We have mission.
- We have mission.
We do. You do.
You guys be safe out there.
- No, I want you to join.
- No, you want me to join.
I'm sorry, what?
You are ready.
That's a terrible idea,
and it's gonna end badly.
Be at the X-Jet in five.
Irene Merryweather,
WHIT News.
Live here at
a breaking news situation
at the Essex House
for Mutant Rehabilitation.
A mutant boy
is appearing to have
some sort of an incident...
- with police here behind me.
- Get away from me!
There are two police vehicles
that are overturned.
- Russell, calm down.
- Freak off!
A scene of
absolute chaos here.
Calm down.
I'll burn you!
You stay back!
Get away from me!
It appears as if
the X-Men are arriving...
...with what appears
to be a trainee.
Everyone, calm down!
The pros are here. I...
We're the X-Men!
A dated metaphor for racism
in the '60s.
So, respect.
At ease, Officer.
What are you doing?
My job!
You're the one who said
I was ready,
and I frankly disagreed
with you.
But here we are, trying to
overcome our differences.
Like Beyonce says,
stop cheating on me."
This is the fifth incident.
This kid needs to be
in the Ice Box, not here.
Russell belongs in our care.
Not in prison.
I assure you...
we have everything
under control.
Stay back!
I'll burn you!
Not getting a real
"under control"
vibe here, Marty.
- It is Glen, isn't it?
- Daniel.
I'll ask the questions,
Let me talk to the kid.
You stay here with your
weird, secret sex lips.
You wanna die?
This kid's adorable.
I don't know why I packed
the hollow points.
I'll burn your arms off!
First day.
I'm so nervous!
Did you just say
"hollow points"?
Yeah, probably should've
brought a Super Soaker.
Hi, there!
Stay back
or Justin Bieber dies!
Justin Bieber.
He called you Justin Bieber.
Hold on! Wait, wait, wait!
Okay, let's not do
whatever that is.
Okay? Let's just talk!
It's Russell, right?
- Firefist.
- Firefist.
Ooh, that's a great name.
Where does it burn?
Just the fist, or all
the way up to the elbow?
Definitely all the way
up to the elbow.
Come quietly,
or there will be trouble.
- You stole that from Robocop!
- That's from Robocop!
Just stand down!
You're embarrassing me.
Look, Fire...
I can't say it!
I'm so sorry!
Oh, my gosh!
That does it!
Put your hands
behind your knees
and get down
on your head! Now!
Wade! What was first rule?
Label everything
in the refrigerator!
- Do not escalate!
- Rules are meant to be broken!
That's the exact opposite
of what they're meant for!
Come on! Fine!
I'll start from the beginning.
My name is Deadpool,
and I'm an X-Man.
- Trainee!
- Shut it!
Look, I get it.
All right, you're scared.
You got no family.
I didn't have
a family, either.
You live in this dump.
Guess what?
I used to live in a
shithole just like it.
But you know something?
To make matters worse...
it's a confusing time
in your life right now.
Your body is going through
some fiery changes.
Too far?
I went too far, didn't I?
That was effervescent.
Stay in school, kid.
Or don't. I didn't.
And I'm an X-Man.
Superhero landing coming up!
Ouch, ouch, ouch!
Oh, God, that hurts.
I could get used
to this X-Man shit.
Get a power restraint
on him. Now!
Calm down, squirt.
It's over. We got ya.
What's that do?
Power-dampening collar.
Shuts down
all mutant abilities.
You can't get it off.
Unless you've got a grenade.
Huh. Could've used
one of those in the first act.
Thank you!
That was absolutely thrilling.
True heroism in action.
We are in your debt.
We can take it from here.
Take me
to the Ice Box, please!
Anywhere's better than here.
Believe me, son,
you do not wanna go
to the Ice Box.
Let's get you inside,
young man.
No, wait, wait. Wait.
You guys stay there.
Those guys hurt you?
Baldilocks? Jared Kushner?
Both of 'em?
Ah, screw it.
Four or five moments!
I'm sorry?
Four or five moments!
That's all it takes
to be a hero.
People think
you wake up a hero...
brush your teeth a hero...
make love to
a soap dispenser a hero.
But, no, being a hero
takes only a few moments!
A few moments...
doing the ugly stuff
no one else will do.
- Wade, what did you do?
- Colossus, no!
That kid was abused!
You can tell.
- You can always tell!
- We have rules!
You are not judge,
jury or executioner!
Forget your rules!
I fight for what's right!
And sometimes
you gotta fight dirty!
You've let me down
for the last time, Wade.
Collar him, too.
And get these guys
in the pod.
Take them to the Ice Box.
I wonder
what gang I'll be in.
- Is there, like, a Sorting Hat?
- Hi.
I've always seen myself
as more of
an East Coast Hufflepuff.
I've made a critical error
on my Airbnb reservation.
This is not what the website
looked like at all.
I love the decor though. I had
no idea hopeless was a color.
Hard left, douchebag.
Please, after you.
Another disgusting minority
off the streets.
We'll sleep well tonight.
Let's get a bagel.
you annoying prick!
I'mma tell you
what the big lie is.
Toilet paper.
Toilet paper
is a plenty fine appetizer.
But, then...
Huggies Natural Care
wet wipes.
That's your main course.
They're soft, they're moist.
They're for babies.
Finally, one more pass
with the toilet paper,
maybe clear out
that excess moisture.
Maybe treat yourself
to a blow and go,
if you can get you
a hair dryer.
Just about 30 seconds
will do you good.
What the heck?
What year is it?
What kind of dummy question
is that to ask?
You're a long way
from your superpowers.
I wanted to be a superhero.
Always wanted
a real super suit.
What happened?
When was the last time you saw
a plus-sized superhero?
The industry discriminates.
Forget superheroes.
The first thing I wanna do
when I get out of here...
burn the headmaster alive...
and then take a selfie
with his smoldering corpse.
Who says
prison isn't reformative?
What did he do to you?
He thinks we're evil.
Blessed are the wicked
who are healed by my hand.
Your abilities...
I know how seductive they are.
Tomorrow, we'll find
the biggest guy in here...
and we'll make him our...
What was that?
That is the biggest guy
in here.
Fun fact
about the Ice Box...
though no one's
ever seen it,
they keep a monster
in the basement.
Right next to a huge,
steaming bowl
of foreshadowing.
I can't protect you.
With this collar on,
my superpower
is just unbridled cancer.
Give me a bow and arrow,
I'm basically Hawkeye.
Now, if you'll excuse me...
I've got tumors to grow.
Vanessa awaits.
I'll start by making us
a shank.
- Good listening.
- I stole that guard's pen...
and stashed it
in the old prison wallet,
if you know
what I'm saying.
Prison wallet?
I really hope I don't know
what you're saying.
And to update you
on the story
reported earlier...
after a lengthy standoff
outside the Essex House
for Mutant Rehabilitation...
two mutants were arrested
and transported
to the Ice Box...
Entering repair mode.
Don't do that.
What? Why are you
winking at me?
I got your back.
Oh, my God.
You're sick,
I gotta protect you.
Just leave me alone, kid.
Oh, great.
Well, hello there,
new fish.
It's nice to see some
fresh faces around here.
I've done some
light catalog work...
but, really, modeling is just
a stepping stone to acting.
- I was talking to him.
- Oh.
Have we met?
I can't place your mustache.
- Black Tom Cassidy.
- White Wade Wilson.
What's your superpower?
Cultural appropriation?
You're supposed to be
the toughest con in here.
You don't look like much
to me.
First rule of the yard...
find the biggest guy
and make him your...
Second biggest guy.
The last thing I need
is more hepatitis.
Oh, it's slippery, too.
This table needs a wipe down!
Can we get a wipe down
on the table?
Kid, I think you picked
the wrong side.
No, I didn't!
He's my friend!
Zip it. We're not friends.
Take a seat, shit dick.
I had so much fun!
You were like...
And I was like,
"Take a seat, shit dick."
Just let me die in peace.
We make a great team!
Oh, God! We're not a team.
Why'd you say that back there?
We're friends, partners.
We're not partners
or friends.
This doesn't end with us
riding into the sunset.
It ends with me
dying of cancer...
and you winning
the Ice Box award
for most
pinchable cheeks.
There's only one person
in this world
that I care about,
and she's gone.
You wanna survive?
Stop trying to shank
the biggest guys in here...
and make friends with them.
Make friends with someone.
Anyone but me.
Maybe even Black Tim.
Black Evan, I don't know.
All I remember is
he was African-American.
Cells 7, 12, 14, 27.
malfunctioning. 7, 4, 3.
System malfunctioning.
That was our cell.
What did I do to piss off
a grumpy old guy
with a Winter Soldier arm?
Get away from me, kid!
Listen to me! Go!
Hello, Russell.
Hello, superpowers.
Who are you?
I'm Batman.
Oh. That's got some zip.
Don't feel bad.
Even I can't kill me.
What kind of
spineless shit stick
tries to kill
a 14-year-old boy?
You might wanna
start talking!
'Cause I got a long history of
firing at times like this!
The name's Cable.
I'm from the future.
Just walk away.
So, you're from the future.
I have a question then.
Is dubstep still a thing?
Dubstep's for pussies.
You're so dark!
Are you sure you're not
from the DC universe?
I love dubstep!
Is that a fanny pack?
I used to have one of those
in 1990-never.
Something to remember you by.
Give me that back!
That goes with me everywhere.
Like the memory
of your fanny pack!
Why are you protecting
the kid?
He's just some kid with an
Are You My Mother? complex.
I don't give a damn
about him.
What's this one do?
In every film,
there's a moment
when the hero
hits rock bottom.
In Cool Runnings,
it was when John Candy's
prized bobsled broke.
In Human Centipede,
it was when those people...
signed on to be in that movie.
But in this film, well...
you're looking at it.
meet bottom.
I love you, Wade Wilson.
Hey, Ness!
Ness, can you let me in?
Please! Please.
You're not giving me
a lot of direction here.
I'm at the end of my rope.
Then I joined the X-Men.
I went to prison. I, uh...
Is it the kid?
Kids give us a chance to be
better than we used to be.
The kid!
That's exactly
what she meant.
Your heart needs to be
in the right place.
I'm not gonna
abandon this kid.
He's never had anyone, ever.
I need to be selfless.
Yeah, but what
does that mean?
It means
I'm gonna save Russell.
Maybe I couldn't
save Vanessa...
but maybe I can save a robust
teenager from New Zealand.
Yeah, but what I mean is,
like, the world "selfless."
I literally don't know
what that means.
Jesus Christ.
Okay, look.
According to my guy, okay...
those muties
are being transferred
to a supermax,
80 miles away.
Great, I'll pick 'em off
along the way.
Hold your testicles there,
buddy, okay?
We're talking about
an armored convoy...
and a vicious super soldier
from the future...
who is dead set on turning
your skull into an ashtray.
You know what we need to do?
We need to build a team.
We need 'em tough,
morally flexible...
and young enough to carry
this franchise 10 to 12 years.
We need
Ocean's Fourteen stuff.
- The mother of all teams.
- John Wick 3.
- Cheap.
- But with
- the original directors.
- Smart.
My body is an
instrument of death.
Not now, Dopinder.
I could be of great use.
What's your superpower?
- Courage.
- That's adorable.
All right, I'll put out
a call for resumes.
But we're not paying
medical or dental.
It's time to get back
on LinkedIn.
Attention, all inmates!
Transport to Cross Force
Maximum Security
Mutant Containment Facility...
will begin at 0800 hours.
Inspection of your cells
and out-processing
will begin at 0600.
Attention, all inmates.
Transport to Cross Force
Maximum Security
Mutant Containment Facility...
What do you want?
You stole my pudding.
- What pudding?
- You like pudding?
I know you're in there.
Must be hard
being the biggest guy in here.
Lonely at the top, eh?
They're moving us tomorrow.
Maybe I can get you
out of here.
And we can make
the whole world our bitch.
We need a secret code.
that's stupid, Russell. Idiot.
We're a team.
We're like thugs,
we're like gangsters.
I'm like Tupac,
and you're like Ice Cube.
she can rap, too.
I like that.
these are all terrific.
Meet Bedlam.
Cool name! Superpowers?
I can distort
electrical fields.
Including the one
inside your brain...
causing anxiety, confusion...
So, basically,
you're Dave Matthews.
We can use him.
I'm Zeitgeist.
Cool. I like it.
So you have the power
to put your finger
on the pulse of society?
No, I spit acidic vomit.
- Oh.
- Do you want me
- to demonstrate?
- No!
We'll take
your word for it.
Thank you. Yeah. Listen, we've
all eaten at Arby's, okay?
And this is the Vanisher.
- Nice!
- Right?
He's not here, is he?
He may be running late.
My name's Rusty,
but I go by Shatterstar.
That's good, yeah.
- "Rusty" is terrible.
- Toughie.
- So, uh, where are you from?
- The planet Mojo World.
- So you're an alien, I guess.
- Bad name.
How does that,
uh, help us?
I'm basically better
than you at everything.
Just once, I'm gonna find
a planet of people
that are worse than me
at everything.
A whole bunch
of functional idiots.
I'm gonna go there, and I'm
gonna be their Superman.
Isn't that Canada?
You shut your
goddamn trash mouth!
- Meet...
- Domino.
- What's your shtick?
- I'm lucky.
That's not a superpower.
- Yeah, it is.
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't.
- Yeah, it is.
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't.
- Yeah, it is.
- It really isn't.
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.
Told you.
Get out of my head!
I'm not in your head.
It looks like I'm in
an 11-year-old's bedroom.
If you're so lucky, then what
are you doing here with us?
- I don't know yet.
- What's that supposed to mean?
There's a reason why I'm here,
and I'll know when I know.
Everything usually just
kind of works out for me.
- You're hired!
- You're hired.
Oh, lucky me.
She's great.
And last, but not least...
Am I getting
catfished here or...?
Any powers you wanna
tell us about?
I don't have one.
Um, I just saw the ad.
No superpowers at all?
I have both type 1
and 2 diabetes.
Ow! Oh!
That's all the diabetes.
Right, yeah,
you got 'em all.
If you find a type 3,
let us know.
You're in.
Come on!
It's fulfilling work.
This is Convoy 17
departing the Ice Box.
We are en route.
Peacetime makes people soft.
I was born into war.
Bred into it.
What's the most pain
you've ever felt?
These restraints
are pretty...
I've got a list.
We're gonna work down it.
Number one,
I'm gonna bend something.
Something that was not
meant to bend.
I'm gonna
stop you right there
because I'm not gonna
make it to two.
I won't even
make it to one.
I don't do well with pain,
you know.
If I stub my toe,
I'm done for the day.
I cried when they
canceled Felicity.
I don't want you
to hurt me,
and I'll tell you
anything you wanna know.
Except for where they are.
Russell's in a convoy
heading southbound
on Gerry Duggan Parkway.
The monster's with them.
I wouldn't mess with him.
You all know the plan.
Intercept the convoy,
grab the boy.
But not inappropriately!
You know what,
I wouldn't mess
with Deadpool either.
Because he's built a team.
He's unstoppable.
He has an ass pen.
He'll stab you with it.
Watch out for this guy, Cable!
He's very short, 5'11".
Not like in the comics.
And if we succeed,
we all go home early.
So if you go after
them, Cable, I warn you...
there's a wind advisory
in effect.
A little turbulent up here.
I don't know much
about this Cable fella...
but I guarantee
he hasn't killed
as many people
as melanoma has.
We're getting close!
As a former X-Man...
- Trainee.
- Thank you, Bedlam.
I was always appalled
by the blatant sexism
in the group's name.
X-Men! Men!
The point is, our group
will be forward thinking.
Gender neutral.
From now on,
we'll be known as...
Hang the laundry out
at 1,300 feet...
intercept the convoy,
and grab the boy.
Let's bring on
the carnage, baby!
Get me on the ground,
watch me go!
I can't wait to kill!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
I just wanna say
how proud I am of this team.
You know,
you guys look amazing!
Vanisher, I have no doubt
you look amazing too.
This is the family
that I've always dreamed
of having and I...
Ah, darn. I just...
I just get a little
choked up sometimes.
I hate to interrupt,
but is anybody nervous
about the high winds?
- Gary.
- My name's Peter.
I realize that you're
new to this, but relax.
You've been chosen
by a higher power.
- Did he just call himself God?
- I think he did.
I'd like to go home.
I spent 10 years
in Special Forces.
You think we didn't
jump out of the plane
because of a light breeze?
You're in this shit now,
I'm only yelling
to impress the other guys.
I'd never let anything
happen to you, Sugarbear.
Leonard, hit it!
Go! Go! Go!
Let's get some!
Oh, yeah!
Convoy, 12 o'clock!
On my command!
Deploy! Oh, hey now!
Little off course here.
Holy mommy, what the...?
Ah, there they are.
Look at these gorgeous
sons of bitches.
Oh, yeah!
That's right, Bedlam!
No! Tripping billies!
Okay, you got this.
No, stage left, you idiot!
Well, I guess
we found something
you're not better at.
Maybe the wind can't blow
what it can't see.
Oh! Really?
Wait, wait, wait.
Was that...
Benjamin Button.
Brad Pitt?
How'd you get Brad Pitt?
You're here, aren't you?
Yeah, but I didn't
agree to...
See, Brad...
he's still locked
in my storm cellar
along with Celine Dion
and Matt Damon.
It's like Shawshank
down there.
Matt Damon's in this shit?
I suggest you go down there
first thing...
and just punch him
as hard as you can.
You wanna establish dominance
or that guy will own you.
And quit burning
our "S" words.
I've always wanted
to fight Matt Damon.
I'm sorry,
what did you say?
What did I say?
- I thought you said...
- Matt Damon.
- I did. I wanna...
- Matt Damon.
You wanna what?
I wanna... him,
- and then I want him to...
- me.
And then,
if I'm doing a good job...
I want all my friends
and family
to come watch me...
Tell me more about that.
- Well, I feel like, if we...
- each other,
you know, in private,
kinda work on our moves.
Then we kinda sell
some tickets...
and we get an arena,
you know?
And then we...
each other in the arena.
We get outfits.
You know, like cool outfits.
- And we...
- each other...
and everyone's cheering
and betting on who's gonna...
each other
the hardest.
And then, when it's all done,
there's gonna be
a champion...
And it'll be like,
I think I'll win...
'cause I'm like
a really strong...
Right. Yeah, totally.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And they'll be like,
"Wait, no, lay off Matt Damon!
"You're... him
too hard!"
And I'm gonna say,
"- No! I got a little more...
- left in me."
And then I'm gonna...
- and I'm gonna...
- and I'm gonna...
Why are you buzzing that?
'Cause I feel like
you're making it sound like
I'm saying something
I'm not saying.
What are you saying?
I'm saying
I wanna fight Matt Damon.
You should've said so!
- I thought you were saying...
- Matt Damon.
- No!
- No!
- That's crazy!
- Crazy.
Why, did he ask about me?
All right,
we could do this with four.
You got this, buddy!
That's the stuff!
That's the X-Force spirit!
Never underestimate
a man with a mustache!
Just ask anyone in Brooklyn.
We did it!
You're a goddamn
superhero, you!
I got you, buddy!
You're gonna be fine!
You got this, big guy!
Here we go, Peter!
Look at me.
We're X-Force, right?
- Yeah, we're X-Force.
- We're X-Force.
Oh, my gosh! What the...?
Acidic vomit!
Oh, God! I'm gonna throw up
in my mask.
Okay, I'm over the convoy.
Where did the rest
of the team land?
Good news and bad news.
Bad news is
the whole team is dead.
The good news is,
I don't think anyone's
gonna miss Shatterstar.
He was a bit of a prick.
Oh, but Paul!
Peter, I'm gonna
miss him most.
The whole team?
Only the main ones.
We're still good.
You are so dumb.
Even after all this time,
I still can't talk about it.
Who knew these winds
would be so strong?
Everyone on the helicopter!
And everyone
not on the helicopter!
Looking good, Vanisher.
They're headed
into the tunnel.
I'm that kid's only hope,
so sit tight
and wait for my word.
I'm dropping in.
Uh, that's
a negative, sole survivor.
Luck is not a superpower!
We are so screwed!
No, we most certainly
are not screwed.
I don't get it!
What, you shoot luck lasers
out of your eyes?
It's just
it's hard to picture.
And certainly
not very cinematic.
I mean, luck? What kind of
freakshow comic book artist...
came up
with that little chestnut?
Probably a guy
who can't draw feet!
Once again, it all falls
on my shoulders.
It's why I'm cursed to be
a solo act.
- Wander the Earth...
- I'm in.
I'm sorry,
what did you say?
I'm in.
How in the name of Satan
are you in already?
Oh, shit.
It's Cable. 12 o'clock.
New plan. Use all of your
imaginary powers
to stop Cable
from killing that kid.
I'm coming up on your six.
That gun is amazing!
Where is he?
I can't see him.
He's on the top.
He's in! He's in!
Russell! Russell Collins!
Hands off that kid,
John Connor!
Two can play that game!
Got it!
No, I don't.
Showtime, mama!
Lady Luck, take the wheel.
Eat me, mutant!
Hang in there, Doms!
Oh, this is really hard.
And give me back
my Skee-Ball token.
- You're doing great.
- X-Force.
I guess dubstep never dies.
You killed Black Tom,
you racist son of a...
That's unfortunate.
We got no brakes!
Figure it out!
There's nothing I can't kill.
Somebody knows karate.
Give me your best shot,
One-Eyed Willy.
Those bullets are like,
super fast.
Here we go.
mind slowing us down?
Here goes nothing.
Knock, knock.
That's my boy.
I'll be first to admit...
this did not go
according to plan.
I'll also be the first
to admit that
that plan was
written in crayon.
Looks like Russell found
a new friend.
Turns out Domino's
a bit of a badass,
and maybe,
possibly mildly lucky.
But Cable? Ugh.
That guy's in a mood.
A mood that is
about to get
significantly worse.
Something is so terribly,
terribly wrong.
Oh, man, that hurt.
Russ, where are ya?
Russell, you're okay!
Oh, thank...
Oh, my God!
I thought that was you!
I should've worn
my white pants.
You probably get this a lot,
but I am a huge fan.
Uncanny X-Men 183.
Thor 411.
X-Men Unlimited 12.
You know, it has always been
a dream of mine...
to see my face
reflected in your helmet...
as you charge at me
with murderous intent.
I don't mean right now.
I'm gonna
rip you in half now.
That is such
a Juggernaut thing to say.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
I can't feel my legs.
I can't feel...
Oh, no, they're right here.
Got 'em. Russell.
I have a mission.
To get my revenge.
I'm going to burn
that headmaster alive.
You're not the revenge type.
Take it from a friend.
Friend? You said it yourself.
"I'm not your friend.
Find someone stronger."
So I did.
Russell, I couldn't
protect you back then.
But I can now. What do you
want me to say, huh?
"I care about you"? 'Cause
I care about you, Russell.
What's Juggernaut got
that I don't have?
Don't you say legs! I know
you're gonna say legs!
- Legs!
- Still hurts to hear out loud!
What is that?
That's not a real rope!
You get back here, young man!
Doms, get me
out of here, please.
Use my arms
as backpack straps.
I think we may have found
your cosmic reason
for being here.
I'm pretty sure
this isn't it.
No child is hopeless.
- Don't give up on the boy.
- How could he just walk away?
It was the coldness
in his eyes.
You should've heard it.
I guess family
really is an F-word.
Rub my legs, Mama.
Why would I rub your legs?
Please, they hurt.
I have growing pains.
What in the...
Why is your hand
so tiny again?
That's not my hand.
Oh! Mary,
mother of Joseph!
That was nice for me.
Wade! I heard what happened
with the convoy and...
Why wouldn't you
cover that up?
A warrior has nothing
to be ashamed of.
Yeah, but you do.
Look at you.
You're just straight, just...
Full Winnie the Pooh.
Toddler style?
Yes, sir.
Wait, hold on, hold on.
Hold on.
If the top half of Deadpool
is growing baby legs...
does that mean the bottom half
is growing a baby head?
Well, I don't see
why that matters.
I think it matters a lot.
I mean, if you want us to buy
the regeneration thing,
you gotta address it.
Are there
two Deadpools now?
And if so,
what's the other one doing?
And is he like you?
Does he have
the same personality as you?
Or the same memories?
And if he does,
then is he going to re-enter
the plot later?
'Cause he should.
You're really freaking
me out right now.
And if that one
got cut in half,
then there would be
three Deadpools?
I mean, you can see
where it all falls apart.
And quite frankly,
why I prefer Marvel.
We are Marvel.
You're Fox.
Describe it.
I wouldn't ask him to
do that, if I were you.
- It's like, um...
- Here we go.
It's like he's a Muppet
from the waist down.
But this time, you can see
the Muppet's twig.
Mr. Weasel, I can
no longer be double-parked.
I've had three tickets
No, no, no,
DP, not again!
- This has happened before?
- Yeah.
Dopinder, either vomit
or don't. The indecision
is killing me.
Why couldn't God
take my hearing?
Oh. Wow!
Cool your pits.
They're growing back.
I'm talking about your face.
I've never seen you
without your mask before.
- Jesus Christ!
- Looks like an avocado.
Your legs, though,
they're cute.
You wanna borrow
a pair of pants?
I'm glad everybody dropped by.
You must be wondering
why I didn't call you here.
I'll tell you why I'm here.
The Time Traveler's Wife's
beat me within
an inch of my life.
He was torturing me!
But all I told him was
everything he wanted to know.
So, I'm here
to help us gear up.
So we can go after him
without me.
I'm doing this alone.
The Juggernaut
- will kill you all.
- Fair enough.
I don't care
what the kid did to me.
I ain't letting
Cable get to him.
I just need a couple of hours
to get some legs under me.
What will you do?
The first order
of business is
to get me
in front of Cable...
so I can pull all the blood
out of his body...
and fashion his bones
into holiday jewelry.
Then, I'm gonna
take his skin...
and stretch it out
over a homemade mating drum.
He's standing right
behind you, isn't he?
What in the ass?
Is this apartment listed
on Tinder? Grindr?
You're much taller
in the comics.
Ugh. Is that really necessary?
- Why?
- No.
What can we help you with?
I'm here to proposition you.
Oh, boy!
He's really teeing it up,
isn't he?
Who gets to make
the first joke?
I think we should all
do it at the same time.
Good call.
For $45,
you get succotash.
I only do over
the pants, mouth stuff.
The Proposition
has a wonderful
Guy Pearce performance.
Wait, wait, wait!
I wanna do mine over.
- Give us the line again.
- I need your help!
Trust me, I'm even less happy
about this than you are...
but you unleashed
the Juggernaut.
I can't bring him down alone.
So here we are.
We're no longer
accepting applications
for X-Force, unfortunately.
We don't have a lot of time.
Your friend's about
to make his first kill.
No offense,
but if you know so much...
why not travel back to when
he was a baby, kill him then?
I use a device
to slide through time.
The longer I travel,
the harder it is to control.
I got two charges:
one to get me here,
one to get me home.
That's just lazy writing.
Oh, yeah. I get it.
I see what you did there.
Jokes about lazy writing to
cover up actual lazy writing.
Why don't you
just write better?
Why don't you just shut up?
Your boy's gonna
kill the headmaster
of the orphanage tonight.
After that,
he gets a real taste for it.
Like a 10-year-old
Kirsten Dunst.
So he keeps killing...
and killing, and killing,
and killing.
Until one day,
he kills the wrong people.
My people.
I'm retrieving something
from my utility bag.
It's a goddamn
fanny pack...
and you know it,
you sick son of a bitch!
The difference
is night and day.
You remind me of my wife.
I'm sorry.
I said, "You remind me
of my wife."
No, I'm sorry
that you said that...
while making heavy eye contact
and applying lip balm.
She always struggled.
But she was funny...
and filtered her pain
through the prism of humor.
Something I could
never master.
It was my fault she died.
It was my job
to stop people like him.
I came close a few times.
He wasn't too happy
about that.
He was trying to hurt me...
and he knew exactly
how to do it.
Blessed are the wicked
who are healed by my hand.
He came into my home...
and took the only thing
that made it a home.
Sound familiar?
- I'm sorry.
- Uh-huh.
No, I'm really sorry.
But that isn't Russell.
- It doesn't have to be him.
- If you knew what I knew...
Yeah, he's got anger issues...
maybe a small
learning disability...
splash of diabetes...
but nothing
that can't be fixed.
If you could go back...
and stop the people that took
your girl, would you?
Of course I would.
But I wouldn't kill a kid.
I'm not asking you
to kill a kid!
I'll kill the kid.
I'm asking you to save
hundreds of other kids.
Russell's gonna burn down
that orphanage.
And I can imagine
your dead girlfriend...
would want you to do the
right thing, wouldn't she?
So, what's it gonna be,
Give me a chance to save him.
- What?
- You said...
once he kills someone,
he gets a taste for it.
If we can get to him
before that happens...
promise you'll give me
a chance
to put him
on a different path.
Define "chance."
I don't know.
How long does it take
to save someone's soul?
That's not...
I'll give you 30 seconds.
- What? No!
- Best I can do.
Take it or leave it.
He's doing it!
Look at the little fella.
He's doing it.
There he goes.
Jesus Christ!
There you go, little fella.
Go on, you're doing it!
My beautiful, hairless,
Twizzler-legged baby boy.
That's disturbing.
30 seconds.
- Deal.
- Deal.
I have no idea
what's happening.
Probably for the best.
And that is why
you never eat a raw starfish.
It's just common sense.
Where the hell
are we going?
You said it yourself.
Nothing can stop the Juggernaut.
We need backup.
I will bathe in the blood
of your enemies.
Can you turn off the music?
You'll do no such thing.
Why don't you just say it
in an Indian accent?
- I'm sorry?
- Apology accepted.
This is a side of you
I do not like.
Let me guess,
some of your best friends
in the future are Indian.
What the hell are you...?
Once again, intolerance rears
its ugly head.
I am so sorry.
It gets better.
I'm not a racist, moron!
Precisely what a racist
would say.
I'm with the old white guy
on this one.
And that's a twist.
So what exactly do you
do in the future,
anyway, huh?
Some kind of soldier?
Yeah, something like that.
I was a soldier.
Special Forces.
I bet 50 years from now,
we're bestest buddies.
50 years from now,
you're very dead.
Your entire generation failed
this planet into a coma.
Spoiler alert.
Here's a spoiler alert.
I should have
finished college.
You're just an annoying clown
dressed up as a sex toy.
Well, I got news for you.
My heart
is in the right place.
Russell's not
gonna kill anyone.
Because of me, he's gonna know
what real love looks like.
We're all gonna die.
Because of you,
I'll always know
what a grown man
with baby balls looks like.
I'm a grower,
not a shower.
God, I wish
this were a bus,
so I could pull the string
and get out.
It's a good thing
Cable's not driving,
or you'd be in the back.
I am in the back.
Right here!
I made mistakes!
I wanna take them back!
You trusted me.
I took that trust...
and turned it
into a toilet stall
in an airport bathroom.
The one in Minneapolis.
You know the one.
But even you know
I was once an X-Man.
You're still using
my Velcro labels. Aw.
They do stick better
than tape.
- Hi, Wade!
- Please don't.
Say whatever it is you're here
to say. Make it quick.
Right. Quick. It's this kid.
Just like you,
I let him down.
And just like me,
he's never had anyone
sacrifice anything for him...
because the entire world
wrote him off a long time ago.
Look, he's teamed up
with the Juggernaut!
The Juggernaut!
Who's like my favorite
Marvel character ever.
And hi, Yukio!
That was really nice of you to
say hi, so I'm saying hi back.
You guys make
a super cute couple. Yeah.
Where was I? Oh, yeah.
You should never meet your
heroes, because honestly...
it causes
nothing but problems.
Look, you can stop the
Juggernaut. I know you can.
Do you know what would happen
to me if I helped you?
I would be disgraced.
You are a criminal,
a fugitive.
But worst of all,
you broke my heart, Wade.
You know what? Your heart's
in the wrong place, big guy.
Doing the right thing
is sometimes messy...
and screwed up, and not
particularly convenient!
So stay here
in Chateau de Virgin...
while we go get our game on!
You're doing great.
So you wear
that helmet because
your brother
tries to read your mind?
Yeah, but he's in
a wheelchair, so even-steven.
Someone's coming.
It's Russell, sir.
And he's not alone.
Secure the children.
They will not replace us.
Watch my back.
I've got the old man.
Amen, brother.
Time to make the chimichangas.
30 seconds.
I finally know
why I'm here.
I was raised in this place.
Well, not raised.
I was tortured.
Wow! It's your cosmic reason
for being here.
- Shall we?
- This is gonna be fun.
Hey! Been meaning
to ask you...
what's with the dirty,
disgusting hobo bear?
It's not dirt. It's the
blood of my dead daughter.
Are you Bear, God?
It's me, Margaret.
Give me some.
They say laughter
heals anything.
Except, of course, that.
We should just
cue the music.
Welcome home, Russell.
We missed you.
You don't need to do this!
Let's talk!
Why are you dressed
like the Unabomber?
That's why.
I told you
he was too far gone.
Zip it, Thanos! We have
a deal and you forgot...
I'm gonna shove that cab
driver right up your tailpipe.
My body and my hands
are so soft.
You should probably
head back to the car.
I think I'll head
back to the car.
It works best when
you pull the trigger.
That gun is amazing!
Say it!
You are an abomination!
Now, I'm gonna shove
the red guy up the old guy.
I believe him!
Every man for themselves!
Beat it, midget!
Hey, big guy,
the sun's getting real low!
Uh, that's not good.
Come here, beautiful.
Say it!
You came for me.
I'm not giving up on you,
and you are not
giving up on that boy.
Who says that rules
aren't meant to be broken?
It's time to fight dirty.
Time to sweep the leg, Johnny.
Hey! Pick on someone
your own size!
That's such
a you thing to say!
Go get him, tiger!
Big CGI fight coming up!
He's doing great.
Say it!
- Russell.
- Bingo!
Oh, great!
There they are!
Those freaks!
A bunch of armed
pedophiles in nursing shoes.
Can I have
one of those guns?
- No.
- That's fine.
Get off this property,
mutant scum!
I'm just gonna
use this brick.
Maximum effort.
Who says you
can't go home again?
Say it.
Say it!
Blessed are the wicked
who are healed by my hand!
Blessed are the wicked...
who are healed...
by my hand.
You annoying little punk!
Only best buddies
execute pedophiles together.
I need a bus
to get you all out of here.
Oh, geez.
It's time to burn
for what you've done!
A child should not be burdened
with such power!
Russell! Wait!
Wait! He hasn't killed
anyone yet!
What more do you need to see?
No, he's just a kid!
Tick, tock. Meter's running!
I'm gonna make a necklace
out of your teeth.
- I told you! Leave me alone!
- Come on!
Listen to me!
That's how we do it
in Mother Russia.
They say millennials are
the hardest to reach.
Oh, no.
You're doing amazing.
Damn, it feels good
to be a gangsta!
Go, go, go!
He dies tonight, Wade.
You can't stop me!
He even runs
like a pervert.
Like an online predator
who lost his laptop.
There's one bullet left
in that gun.
Wait, wait, wait! Please,
just give me a second!
I got this.
- Russell!
- Stay back! Go home, Wade!
Let's talk. It doesn't
have to go this way!
That piece of shit...
he deserves to die
for what he did to you.
He hurt you badly.
But look,
if you kill him, he wins.
You become everything
he says you are, but worse.
You're just a kid.
You don't wanna
hurt anyone.
It isn't too late.
Don't do it.
I never should've left
you there.
I never should've left you
in that prison.
I can't trust you.
I can't trust anybody!
Wonderful kid.
You can't stop me, Wade!
I got one more idea.
It's just a really bad one,
even for me.
Wade, what are you doing?
This is for
all the marbles, kid.
You're gonna kill
someone today...
Blessed are the wicked...
...then it's gotta be me.
...who are healed by my hand!
Tell me they got that
in slow motion.
Oh, that's not good.
No, sir.
You sacrificed yourself
for me.
And it was the best thing
I ever did.
I told you
I care about you.
You're a good kid, Russell.
The bear.
It worked.
Because of you.
No, Wade, because of you.
Stop, stop, stop!
Just let it happen, okay?
I guess my heart was finally
in the right place.
That riddle
is so messed up.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Don't be. I've been trying to
make this happen for a while.
Please, just don't leave me.
I don't wanna die
without an audience.
We are not going anywhere.
Oh, God, I hope
the Academy is watching.
Just rest, okay?
Papa, can you hear me?
Papa, can you find me
in the...
Before I go...
Sorry, I got a bit more in me.
I want you to have
my Adventure Time watch.
Turns out
that I'm the lucky one.
Thank you.
Hey, Sabrina,
the Teenage Witch.
It has been a pleasure.
- Hi, Yukio.
- Hi, Wade!
And you...
Chrome Bone.
I haven't always been
the best friend to you.
But you've always been
that to me.
So thank you.
Say the F-word for me.
Just once. Come on,
we'll do it together.
It's no big deal.
Here we go. One, two, three.
F... F... F...
Wow! Enjoy hell, swamp mouth.
And you, Cable.
You get back to your family.
You tell 'em Wade says hi.
And promise me.
Promise me one thing.
That you'll start
judging people...
not by the color
of their skin,
but by the content
of their character.
- Jesus.
- R-Dog?
Family is not an F-word.
All right?
There's one out there for you.
Just keep looking, okay?
Guys, for a second there...
we made a pretty good team.
Can you see it?
Do you see
that beautiful bright light?
There it is.
Oh, that's the sun.
Don't stare
directly into that.
I just have a few final words.
Do you want
to build a snowman?
Sorry I'm late.
There was a bunch of
handicapable children
who were stuck in a tree.
- No.
- No.
- But I did have to help a kid.
- Yeah.
- He's got a terrible name.
- It's just awful.
- Ugh.
- I tried to tell him.
Is this heaven?
It is now.
I am so sorry.
It's okay.
I missed you so much.
What is it? What's wrong?
It's not time.
What do you mean
it's not time?
I'm here, I made it.
- You can't stay.
- No, no, no.
I'm staying. I'm not going
anywhere without you.
It's okay.
There's a time for us.
It's just not now.
- They need you.
- Who?
Your F-word.
You'll find out.
I love you.
I love you.
I know.
Now, go.
Go on. Go, get out of here.
Kiss me like
you miss me, Red.
Well, come here.
Wait, hold the mustard.
- Are you crying?
- No.
- Yes, you are.
- No, I'm not.
You got emotion juice
coming out of your eye holes.
It's not me.
I'm not crying.
I think it's
this dusty soundstage.
- Oh, really?
- Or bedroom.
- It's a dusty bedroom.
- Thank you.
- That's normal.
- Let it out.
- I am crying.
- Yeah, you are.
And I'm caught off guard
'cause the movie's so bad.
Complete garbage.
- It's very compelling.
- Yeah.
There's something that
really resonates for me.
It kinda gets you.
There is more.
I would love to read it
to you, Fred Savage.
"Once again, Wade picked up
the love of his life
"in his approachably
shredded arms."
It's all right.
I'll be waiting.
It's pretty
awesome up here.
I can have anything I want.
Can every day be
International Women's Day?
It is heaven.
Time to make the chimichangas.
30 seconds.
Hey. Been meaning
to ask you...
what's with the creepy,
dirty hobo bear?
It's my daughter's
teddy bear.
Her name's Hope.
What are you doing?
Somebody swiped right.
Tell me they got that
in slow motion.
You sacrificed
yourself for me.
It would seem I...
Genuine, high-grade lead.
You time-sliding
son of a bitch!
You did this for me?
Wait. You can't go back.
You used
the last of your fuel.
What about your girl,
your wife?
No, my family's safe.
And I didn't do it for you.
No, I'm gonna stick around
for a while...
and make sure the world
doesn't shit itself
into oblivion.
No. You did it for me.
No, I didn't.
- You did.
- I really didn't.
- Pretty sure you did.
- No, I'm positive I didn't.
Fine. All right,
let's flip a coin. Okay?
Heads, you did it for me.
Tails, you did it for me.
I'm not even gonna look,
because you did it for me.
- We must get the collar off.
- Forget it. It's no use.
These collars
don't just come off.
I have an idea.
No, no, no!
Let's not do that. Please!
I'd rather die of cancer.
Let's just...
Oh, gosh! They do say the pen
is grosser than the sword.
We need the code.
Try, uh, seven?
Settle down,
Captain Lucky.
It's not gonna be one number.
Oh, God,
that's lazy writing.
I still got it.
Put that back
in your prison wallet.
I don't know
how to thank you.
But I do know
how to hug you.
- No.
- Yes.
Here we go. Bring it in.
Come on.
Pelvis to pelvis.
Let's go tummy to tummy.
There we go. The kids
call this tummying.
Is there a knife
in my lower extremity?
There's a knife
in your leg, yeah.
I'm just gonna
back up now.
- Yeah, yeah.
- No need to go full Yentl.
Gonna pretend
like that never happened.
Let's go home, Russell.
All you dirty mutants
are gonna rot in hell
with the boy!
Your souls are
beyond redemption!
Let's see your soul, perv!
No, no! No! No more!
We're better than that!
We're better than him!
No more senseless violence!
No more bloodshed!
We'll let karma
take care of him.
The day of reckoning is here!
I'm gonna miss him.
He seemed great.
Courage is my power!
I could hear you
coming the last 30 seconds.
I could barely keep
a straight face.
I want some more.
I bet you do, Brown Panther.
We should leave
before Fudgernaut wakes up.
Good call.
You guys coming with us?
No, we'll get the kids
back to the mansion.
Besides, we're X-Men.
No, you're X-People.
You're exhausting.
I see what you did there.
Our door's always open.
That's kind, but I'm
not ready to date again,
let alone two women.
- Bye, Wade!
- Bye, Yukio!
What do you get
when you take
eight feet of chrome...
one pinch of courage...
a cup of good luck...
a dab of racism...
a splash of diabetes...
and a wheelbarrow
full of stage four cancer?
Answer: a family.
See? I didn't lie
what kind of film this was.
If there's anything
you take away today...
other than the need to Google,
"What the heck is dubstep?"...
it's that we all need
to belong to someone.
Okay, there we go.
Here we go.
After-credit scenes.
I love after-credit scenes.
They feel so private,
you know?
'Cause it's just you in
the theater. Everyone's left.
Here's the curtain.
Peek, peek.
But you know something,
you know?
You stayed.
How something
so small generates
enough energy
to reverse time is...
Oh, just fix it, Eleven,
or I'll take it
to the Genius Bar.
Cable's gonna kill you
when he finds out.
Never heard of him.
Why do you think
I'm helping him?
The Lord works in
mysterious ways, don't I?
Have a good day.
Bye, Wade!
Bye, Yukio!
That was probably a bad idea.
What have we done?
I hope we sharpened
the cream cheese spreader.
I'll be right back!
We're definitely naming
our kid Cher!
Whoo! X-Force!
Walk away! Just walk away!
- But we're X-Force!
- Nope, we're not!
X-Force is just
a marketing tool
designed by Fox executives...
to keep Josh Brolin employed.
It doesn't exist.
All right, well,
this has been pretty scary!
And I need to feed my cat.
Go home, Sugarbear. Go home.
Okay. Will you give
Domino my email?
Wade, is that you?
I guess Stryker finally
figured out
how to shut you up.
Hey! It's me!
Don't scratch!
Just cleaning up
the timelines!
Love you!
Welcome to
the big leagues, kid.
You're welcome, Canada.
"The end."
Just in time,
because I have lost almost
all feeling in my legs.
Ooh. No, they feel fine.
Can I go?
As you wish.
- That must feel good.
- Yes, thank you.
Come on. Whoa!
Easy, now. Hey.
Easy, now.
There you go. Come on.
Take it slow. Take it slow.
Baby steps.
I can't feel my legs.
I can't feel my legs!
I know. Yeah.
You've been asleep for
three days, buddy. Come on.
- Three days?
- Yeah! Three days.
I've been here
for three days?
- Yeah!
- Why so long?
- Oh!
- That's too long!
Uh, can somebody get
this guy a Starbucks?