Once Upon a Time in Venice (2017) Movie Script

John ah, Venice beach...
A city built on contrast.
Decade old concrete buildings
Between million dollar homes.
Worn out beach bums litter
the same streets...
Your cousins from Oklahoma
visit every summer.
Every weird dive bar you love
is being pushed out...
By some shitbag tech company.
And somewhere between the
ruckus, you'll find this guy...
Venice's only licensed
You just gotta live your life.
It goes by so fast.
It's like a whisper.
that's my boss, Steve Ford...
A self-appointed figurehead
in the community.
Takes that job very seriously.
Before you know it,
you're 12 years old...
And then where are you?
I don't want you to make the
same mistakes that I made.
It starts like this, a little
bit of weed...
And then a little bit
of blow, okay?
And then a couple bottles
of Tequila every week.
And hookers three times a week.
And yeah, it's fun,
in the moment, it's fun...
But let me tell you something.
Those moments always end up when
your head feels like this big...
Like a bus ran over it.
You happy about that? No, you're
not happy about that.
Then not too long after that...
You're sitting on your kitchen
floor, buck naked...
You got a gun in your mouth...
And all you're thinking about
is, is today the day?
Is today the day I pull the
trigger? Bang!
But you got a right to live...
And you gotta fuckin' live
right, you get me?
All right... let's go.
This is a skate park, come on.
Let's go skate.
John I always wanted
to be a private detective...
And with Steve being the only
outfit in town...
I really had no other choice
but to work with him.
Which is good... I think.
And seeing as he was busy
mentoring the local youth...
Of today, I was left to finally
get a shot at cracking...
My first case and it has led me
here, to Nola Tuiasosopo...
At least, I believe I'm
pronouncing that right...
I don't know, she's Samoan.
Not that there's anything wrong
with that...
Some of them have tricky
last names, some of them.
God, well, I'll edit that later.
Uh... missing since July...
I just spotted her at the corner
of sixth and Oakwood.
And, let me tell you,
Steve was not exaggerating...
Nola is very attractive.
Scratch that, she is very, very
Why isn't she a professional
Anyway, by the looks of it...
She's going into a support group
of some kind.
I'm guessing alcoholics
anonymous, just...
Shit. Dammit.
John and my name's John,
Steve's partner.
Uh, well, soon to be partner...
Just waiting for some paperwork.
Who'd like to go first?
Hello, my name's Rick
and I'm a sex addict.
Hi, Rick.
Um... my poison's pornography.
It started back in catholic
And got progressively worse.
I'm currently logging
about 40 hours a week.
That's a full-time job.
I've got premium subscriptions
to the big four...
Pornhub, Redtube, reality kings
and brazzers.
Not to mention, Eskimotube,
Oh god, I'm a monster!
Jesus, right?
Would you like to share
with the group?
Would you like to
share with the group?
The group? Uh... no!
No, I'm good.
I'm good to just listen.
That's not really how it works.
Everyone is required
to participate...
On their first night, please.
Well, if it's required.
Uh... okay.
Um, I'm John and I'm
a sex addict.
Hi, John.
Uh, yeah, I just love sex.
I love getting it,
I love giving it.
I love it too much
and I get it too much...
That's my main problem.
On that sex road, I've got
my thumb out...
Waiting to get on one
of the sex cars.
I am also logging
about 40 hours a week...
But on sex, not just Jacki"
off like this guy, right?
Full-blown sex.
And, actually, come to think
of it, it's more than 40 hours.
So, I'm doing time and a half.
I should get paid my overtime.
I mean, obviously I'm not
condoning sex for money.
That's bad, right?
We all agree, would you? Good.
I really just have sex with any
old thang that comes my way.
There's some limits, obviously,
age, 18 and below is no...
No bueno, no good.
Upwards, though, is where
I really shine...
50, 60, 80, 90, centennials...
Uh, thank you for sharing, John.
All right, you got it.
Nola? Hey, Nola?
Are you following me?
No, no, no, I'm not following
you, no, no, don't mace me!
I'm not a stalker.
I am technically following you,
but not in a stalker way...
Just as a professional...
Strictly professional.
Look, your brothers hired my
boss to find you...
And that's where I come in.
They want you to come home,
okay, they miss you.
I could drive you, at least
to my boss' house.
In a professional way...
Not as a maniac or a pervert,
on either parts.
Yeah, uh, I'll let her know.
All right, so you'll be safe
there till tomorrow...
And then in the morning
we can figure out...
How best to deal
with your brothers.
Well, how about that Rick guy?
40 hours a week?
I mean, that's a serious
commitment to masturbation.
Yeah, hopefully he's changing
hands every once in a while.
I mean, if you don't, that's
carpal tunnel syndrome...
And the blistering...
And chafing.
Let's just hope he's got a
little tub of like, neosporin.
Well, I'm just saying.
Okay, well, this is it.
Yeah. As you can see, it's
a very nice establishment.
And uh, you'll be home
in no time.
Steve send her up.
There he is.
Steve's a great guy.
All right, well, pleasure
to meet you.
You, too.
Thanks for the ride.
No problem, just doing my job.
See ya.
She'll be fine.
Steve's a good guy.
She'll be fine.
Stay down! You're gonna wish
you never touched her!
Stop it, you're gonna kill him!
Nola, take your ass in the
goddamn room...
And don't you come out of there!
Listen, listen,
let's talk about this.
You're about to go through
a Samoan storm.
Paid you to find her, Steve.
I did find her!
We told you to find her,
not fuck her.
She's our sister, you son
of a bitch.
You're dead, Steve!
Run, Steve, run!
Okay, hands, pal!
Let me see your hands!
I said hands, now, get them up!
Aw, Jesus.
Oh, bill, it's you.
Jesus, how you doing, man?
Steve, what the hell are you
doing out here?
Look, aren't you tired of this
Peter Pan bullshit?
This is no kind of life,
you're an old man.
Now why don't you just meet
somebody your own age...
And make a life, for god sakes?
I will.
You know, someday, Steve, one of
these guys is gonna catch you...
And what are you gonna do then?
Call 9-1-1, come find you,
we're gonna eat a lot of donuts.
Fuck you, Steve.
Take care of yourself.
Go home.
Be careful.
This is not normal, okay?
They hook electrodes up to
people when they do this.
Well, that's what that feels
There he is, get him!
Turn, turn, hurry up!
Hurry up!
Go, go, go!
Oh yeah, we got him now.
Go, go, go, go, go!
Look at this asshole!
Come on, let's go, let's go.
Excuse me.
Steve, you can't have a gun
in the bar!
You motherfucker!
Let's go, go, go!
Go, go, go, go!
Tino, Tino. Let me in!
Where'd he go?
Yo, open up, man. Come on.
You're naked.
What? Yeah, naked.
Please let me in.
I can't take another heart
break, Steve.
The car? That's what this
is about?
I loved that car, Steve.
Oh, man, come on, Tino.
It was stolen and I asked
for your help.
I'm sorry, all right?
I got feelings and I'm
I know you're sensitive.
I understand!
Alright, I'll get the car, I'll
get the car for you, alright?
Say you promise.
I promise.
You're not saying it.
I promise you I'll get it.
No! Fingers up.
I promise.
Let me in, man, all right!
Cover that dick, all right,
I got pizza here.
All right, yeah.
Pull, fucker!
I'm not going in there.
That's Spyder's place.
My car's in that guy's garage,
Steve, you gotta get it for me.
I'm not a repo man, okay,
I'm a fucking detective.
You promised, Steve. I saved
your ass, Steve.
Your word is your bond.
Okay, all right.
Your word is your bond!
All right, all right, just
relax. Give me the keys.
Thank you, Steve.
I got this.
Hell yeah, fool.
Hey. Two large pepperoni pizzas.
You ordered them, right?
Hey, Spyder, pizza dude's here.
John Carlos Manuel
Ochoa, goes by the name of...
Spyder, with a "y," with links
to the Sinaloa cartel.
Rumor has it he once killed
a BARISTA at Starbucks...
For misspelling his name.
Which is tricky, it's with a
"y." Not the point.
If there's drugs being sold
in Venice...
They're coming from Spyder.
Two pepperoni pizzas. Didn't you
order that?
No one ordered pizza, man.
2-0-0-4, this is your pizza,
Kinda old to be delivering
pizzas, aye?
You're telling me, man...
My old lady gives me shit
all the time about it.
How much?
Thanks, man, thank you,
that's plenty.
Hey, man, can I use your
I've been in the car
a long time.
One or two?
All right, bro.
Where is it?
To the left. Don't piss on the
seat, huh?
All right.
Who the fuck are you, are you a
cop!? Huh? Huh?
Huh? Who are you?
St... Steve.
Is that right?
I'm Spyder's friend.
That's the lavatory, right?
Hey, Spyder, I think someone's
stealing your car.
You killed my car.
Aw, you can't kill a car like
this, man, look at it.
You know, a little hammer,
a little glass.
Tires still look fantastic.
John Dave Jones...
And no, not the lead singer
of the Monkees.
This guy's a local legend and
Steve's longtime best pal.
His claim to fame was surfing
the pier naked...
For 12 hours straight...
On acid.
Nowadays he's lost a lot
of that mojo...
Mainly due to a pretty nasty
Hey, Dave.
Did you start working
at Tino's pizza?
Yeah. You want my take on all
of this?
Never buy a surf shop,
look at this inventory.
She wants full assets
and alimony, too.
Sorry, man. You're gonna
be all right.
We'll figure something out.
Sun's gonna be up soon.
Yeah, it is. Should probably
get some sleep.
I just finished your new board.
This has been fun, but I gotta
go pick up my dog.
Why don't you just let
her have buddy?
She likes that I come by
to pick him up.
Makes her feel better,
safer I think.
John Steve's sister has
fallen on hard times...
After her husband took off and
emptied their bank account.
He's really been there for her.
helping out as much as he can.
Hey, Katey.
Thanks for the coffee.
John it's pretty selfless
of him, actually.
see? What a guy.
Taylor! Taylor! Uncle Steve's
here to pick up buddy.
Have you heard from him?
Still somewhere in Australia
and finding himself.
We can't afford to stay here.
He thinks there's something
more out there.
I mean, what the fuck
is out there?
Honey, I don't know.
You're gonna be all right.
John buddy Ford, 49 years old...
In dog years and 100 percent
parson Russell terrier.
Man, does Steve love that dog.
Uncle Steve.
Hi, Taylor. What are you
Want some help with that?
A.P. Chemistry.
Will you bring buddy back
later tonight?
How about if I bring him back
every night and pick him up...
First thing in the morning,
until you tell me to stop?
That would be cool.
He gets a little gassy.
I don't mind it.
Come on, buddy, here we go. Come
on, here you go, right out here.
Sorry, no dogs.
Oh no, he's all right.
What does that mean?
That's just something I say when
I try to circumvent the rules.
Sometimes it works.
No? All right. Get out, pal.
Large coffee.
You're not in your office.
Lew the Jew.
John whoa, whoa, okay,
I know how that sounds.
It's not offensive, everyone
calls him that.
I mean, he calls himself,
"Lew the Jew."
No, I'm not in my office.
I went by your office.
And you didn't find me there?
Steve, I want to hire you.
John he's a savvy businessman...
And a little miserly...
But not in a Jewish way,
in a normal way.
Girl in the picture...
Hey, hey, Steve...
That's a lot of money for just
a few pictures, you know?
Yeah. Could've cost you a lot
more money.
Why are we arguing?
Let's talk business.
Thank you.
I'll see you later, Lew.
Let's go, buddy.
Some son of a bitch graffiti
punk has been spray-painting...
The walls of my apartment
Well, I could certainly help
you with that.
I know many of the taggers
in the neighborhood...
The only problem is,
you still owe me money.
Aw, Steve, I can't pay you
for that.
You understand, it's the
principle of the thing.
Steve! We're getting the band
back together, bro!
My man!
Yeah! Taylor swift saved the
music industry!
Who the hell is that?
No clue.
I'll sell you the house back.
My parent's house?
You'll sell it back to me?
At the same price they sold
it to you for?
Come on, Stevie, you're killing
me, man.
I mean, this is silicon beach
You realize what I could get
for that house?
No deal.
Ten percent more.
I can see this is really
important to you, Lew.
What gave it away?
I want it in writing.
You're killin' me. Fine, let's
go. I gotta show it to you.
Holy Christ.
See what I mean?
I like it.
You could see how I might not.
He's really captured
your essence.
Why don't you just
paint over it?
I painted over it four times.
All right, you should have seen
the other shit...
It was filthier than this.
I can't imagine anything
filthier than this.
Just get it done, Steve, if you
want your parent's house back.
Just pay me.
Don't look at that, come
here, don't look at that.
How about this?
Cash only, no checks.
And that's on sale.
Great, thanks.
She can take my shop, but I'm
not leaving her anything.
I'm letting it go.
You do that, pal, let it all go.
now, normally by this time...
Steve's already had about eight
cups of coffee...
And he doesn't really handle
the caffeine all that well.
So, a little secret between you
and I is I switched the brew...
In our office with decaf, you
know, to take the edge off.
John. Have you seen
a picture around here...
A picture of my house?
Wow, this is good coffee.
Ah... the Samoans called
looking for you.
I said that you were very sorry.
Good. You didn't give them the
address to the office, right?
Although, I'm sure if they were
to do any type...
Of light investigating, they
could find out where it is.
Um... what about the picture?
It's a picture of my family's
No. Look, the insurance company
said they won't pay...
Until you get a couple things
sorted out.
A picture of my parent's house.
Yeah, I haven't seen it.
It was on my desk.
Okay, still, no house.
The insurance company said that
we won't get paid...
Until we, you know, file them.
Mm-hm. We're on a new case now.
Lew the Jew, all his apartment
You're getting graffiti
all over the place.
There's a month of my life
down the drain.
The house, it was on my
desk... it was right...
Sorry, this is it right here.
Oh, oh, well, let's see what
this photo is all about.
This is me as a kid. Look, seven
years old right there.
I'm holding the dog.
That's you?
You're such a fat kid.
You know, my parent's fed me all
the wrong food, but...
Yeah, a lot of it, too.
Looks like you might have had
a third brother that you ate.
Surprised you didn't eat
the dog.
Just because of how big you are.
But you're good now, so...
Do you know any graffiti
artists around here?!
No, not personally...
Well, then you should find some,
how about that!
Yeah, sure, definitely,
I'll find some graffiti artists.
You should get some more
of this coffee, too.
Yep, definitely.
Steve, I need you.
I lost a lot of this weight
right away.
Come on, buddy.
You also lost a lot of that
hair right away, too.
I need your help.
All right, when?
Right now.
Right now?
Right now.
You know why. I'm desperate.
Okay. All right, buddy,
in the back, up we go.
Right now, huh?
Stay low, buddy.
Put this in your ear, you'll be
able to hear me...
Talking to you the whole time.
You sure you want to go
through with this?
I have to, Steve.
The first sign of trouble,
you get the fuck out of there.
I know, I will.
I'm not kidding.
Wish me luck.
- Dave may I?
- Anne hi, Dave.
Dave Anne.
You need to sign the divorce
papers, Dave.
Steve don't sign anything.
Repeat, do not sign anything,
I'll give you the surf shop,
you can have it.
Steve don't do it.
Get up and walk away.
You won't reconsider?
It's done.
Dave, it's done!
Steve careful, buddy.
I'm going to sign these
Because I've learned
how to let go.
Steve oh, no.
And if you think you deserve
I've ever worked for, then I
want you to have it...
Including the surf shop.
Steve no, no, Dave...
Don't sign anything, stop, stop.
I told him.
I think I fucked up.
It'll be okay.
Come on, buddy.
You're gonna be spending some
time with Taylor.
Not forever. Come on.
That a boy. Go knock
on the door.
How ya doin'?
I'm okay. How are you?
You know that I think
of you as a son.
Uh... I did not know that, but
thank you.
I guess I feel like, sometimes
I think of you as a father...
In a way... a very
intimidating father.
I'm gonna need your help, John.
Okay, what, like out
in the field?
You're gonna go out there and
you're gonna find out...
Whoever's painting these murals
on Lew the Jew's walls.
I checked out all the taggers
in the city. I got nothing.
The guy doesn't leave
a signature.
Maybe he's not a tagger, maybe
this guy's a trained artist.
Okay, yeah, sure, yeah,
that fits.
And John... wear extra
Why do I have to wear
extra underpants?
That's the discipline.
I'm sorry, sorry, it's part
of being a detective...
To wear multiple pairs
of underwear?
Do you have multiple pairs
of underwear on right now?
That's my secret.
Get yourself ready.
Classic father figure.
Jesus Christ, Nola, no, this has
gotta stop, okay?
It really does. It's over.
I cannot see you anymore.
I just had to see you.
Oh, baby...
Steve, don't answer that.
This is Taylor.
Who's Taylor?
Hold on. Hey, honey, hi,
how are you doing?
Taylor uncle Steve.
I want you right now.
Who's that?
Oh, that's the maid,
she slipped and fell.
Taylor we've been
robbed, they took everything!
You got what!
They took everything, the TV,
the stereo, Taylor's Xbox.
I can't believe it, they took
Try to stay calm
and wait for the cops.
Well, where are you going?
I'm gonna go and get my dog.
Our dog.
Our dog!
Don't leave!
I didn't see anything.
See what?
What the fuck you talking...
Well, can i...
Doesn't matter what it is.
I'm not trying to get into any
more trouble, Steve.
Well, can i...
Your security camera is pointing
right down my street.
They hate me in this
neighborhood, all right?
Who hates you? You are beloved.
Not all of them, okay,
but I'm the outsider.
They stole my dog, buddy.
A delicacy in my country, right?
I never said that.
You thought it. $200.
That's how much it costs
to betray my neighbor.
What is it coming to?
How about $80?
Fine. Loser.
Two guys, druggies, they tried
to trade their stuff...
For some beer,
they had your dog.
I've seen them hanging out
down by the boardwalk.
You're a good neighbor.
Fuck you, Steve.
Hey, dickhead, can I hit that?
What'd you call us?
Actually, what I meant to say
was, dickheads.
Dickhead one, dickhead two.
Hey, fuck you, man!
How's that?
Hey, what's your problem, bro!
You're my problem.
You broke my nose, fag!
Oh, shut up, who cares?
Where's my fucking dog?
He ran away.
Yeah, he ran away. He ran away.
What do you mean, he ran away?
We gave him to our dealer,
our dealer has him.
What's his name?
I don't know the dog's name!
Not the dog's name, idiot!
What's your dealer's name?
Spyder, his name is Spyder!
Buddy's collar?
Never fuck with a man's dog.
Fuck me sideways.
Hey, guys.
Spyder? Hey, Spyder, it's me,
Steve, you remember?
I felt really bad about
crashing the car...
Through your garage door.
Brought you this delicious
basket of muf...
You got some grand fucking
cojones showing your face...
Around here again, bro.
What time is it?
Time to fuck you up again, yo.
That fucker knocked himself out.
Hey, what is this?
Banana walnut.
It's got a hint of cinnamon, yo.
So, why you here, loco?
There's this girl. It's my
niece, Taylor, just turned 15.
She's a sweet girl.
Does good in school, she's
smart, she's happy, she's funny.
Out of nowhere, her dad picks
up and takes off.
Just goes to try and find
himself, whatever that means.
So now, I just... I look after
Taylor and her mom, Katey.
What the fuck this gotta do
with anything?
Let him finish.
Go, bro.
Last night, their house
got robbed.
They took that TV, that
stereo system and that Xbox.
But the most important thing
that they took was my dog.
This dog?
That is my dog.
I didn't steal this dog, okay?
Yeah, that dog is my dog.
I didn't steal this dog.
Shut up.
Yo, we didn't steal no dog.
The dog was a gift.
Nevertheless, this dog
is the only thing...
That my niece gets
any comfort from.
So, you want the dog back?
I'm not giving you the dog back!
Shut up.
It's the only thing I want.
Okay then, ese.
You can have the dog back.
Yes. Shh.
It's only gonna cost you $3,000.
You just said, $3,000.
You just fucked up my window.
You gave that dog to me.
You give me four grand
for the car, the window...
And the garage and I'll throw
the dog in...
Because the story of the little
Nia... touched my heart, bro.
I don't have that kind of money.
Then I'll fucking kill you.
Then I can get it.
You got 24 hours, Holmes.
That's my dog, Spyder.
John ah, Yuri, Venice's
local loan shark...
And ruthless son of a bitch.
Everybody knows, he is the
last person...
You want to borrow money from.
He's also the last person
you want to see...
On a beach wearing a bikini.
I love this country.
John he only gives you
a day to pay him back.
I mean, what kind of person
borrows money from a guy...
Who only gives you a day
to pay him back?
- How's it going, Yuri?
- John ugh.
Eh, it takes Patience. So, how
much money you looking for?
On the phone you said, $4,000.
I figured if I ask for four,
I should probably ask for five.
So, how you figure on paying
this monies back?
Yuri, it's me, Steve, you know
I'm good for it.
Whoa, oh, oh!
Wait, wait, wait.
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Huh! A Casio! I need this,
I'm awful with time.
Listen, you ever heard of the,
uh, Belarus bowtie?
First you cut off the
Then you shove them down throat.
Then you have incision here
and here.
You pop the balls out
and it looks like a...
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very formal.
Listen, Stevie, I like you,
you're funny.
I loan you money, but you pay me
back or you have scrotum bowtie.
Da. Scrotum bowtie.
Good luck.
Thank you.
See you soon.
So, Steve...
I just got off the phone with my
brokers and it turns out...
That the Chinese group that's
interested in buying...
My apartment complex is getting
a little skittish...
About the graffiti situation.
Yeah... the graffiti situation
is getting skittishy.
They're cutting their offer
by half, Steve.
So, here's the thing, okay?
You find this graffiti kid
in the next two days...
And you guarantee me no graffiti
through the end of escrow...
And I will sell you this house
for what I paid for it.
That's really generous, Lew.
Mm-hm, it is.
Look, the way I see it, you're
probably looking at a loss...
Of eight figures if I don't
find this guy.
But if you don't want
my help, I understand.
I'm sure you...
Okay, okay, yeah, I get it,
Find the guy and I'll give
you the fuckin' house!
You see? Give, take, and
everybody's happy.
I'm not happy. This is not
happy. Catch the fucker.
Steve? Hi, it's John, sorry to
leave this on your voicemail...
But I'm just looking at a
picture of one of the murals...
From Lew's building and, okay,
I give the piece as a whole,
seven out of ten.
The scrotum shading,
the veins...
And it's like the whole thing
just follows you.
So, here's what I'm gonna do.
John I'm gonna go to all
the local art galleries...
Show them the picture...
Just try to absorb as much
cock as I can.
In, uh... ocularly, through my
eyes, not...
All right, well...
I'm gonna go hop on this and
I'll check in with you later.
Jesus, man, that was bad.
Hey, uh... I'm wondering if I
can ask you about an artist.
Uh... I gotta warn you,
it's a little racy.
Ah, yes! Salvatore Lopez,
that's the artist.
Salvatore Lopez, are you sure?
I'm positive.
You sure?
Yes. Look, you see how the
veins follow you?
Yes, I do.
It's him.
And the, uh, scrotal shading,
I mean, it's classic Salvatore.
Classic Salvatore?
Absolutely, yes.
Classic Salvatore... where can
I find him?
Hm, why?
Just 'cause I'm a big fan...
And I'm actually looking
to commission a mural.
Okay, well, leave me your
number, I'll see what I can do.
Hey, Spyder, got it, four grand.
Four grand. Where's my dog?
Bad news, fucker. Your dog's
Gone? How gone?
All the way gone. Lupe, that
bitch, took him.
What are you talking about.
You just took my money!
Hey man, this was for the car,
the window and the garage.
I was gonna throw the little
dog in for free.
You think I'm some kind of
fucking idiot!?
Get me my dog or
I'm gonna go crazy!
The dog's just gone, is that it!
Hey, bro? Bro?
Don't think I don't have fucking
nice people in my house!
You really are crazy.
They've been to places that
you have never been to!
I can see that, fucker.
A lot of mental illness!
Hey, that's Taylor's TV, bro.
What about Taylor!
What about Taylor!
Yo. That's your little niece's
TV, bro.
Take a breath, bro.
Listen, that bitch Lupe took
your dog, hm?
And a briefcase filled
with my cocaine.
You find her, you get my shit,
I'll give you your money back.
How about this? How about I find
your girl and your briefcase...
Full of cocaine and you pay me
triple the money.
Deal, fucker.
But you better do it now, before
my drugs find a new distributor.
I'll get right on it.
Listen... wherever this bitch
is, your dog's there, too.
What? She likes Knott's Berry
farms, Holmes.
Knott's Berry farm's been closed
for a long time, hasn't it?
No, it's still open.
That other bitch in that picture
is her other sister, Consuela...
She sometimes hangs out at my
cousin's bar, la Patronca.
Got an address on that?
Fuckin' Google it, Holmes.
John I need you
to run some recon for me.
Okay, pal?
The bar is la Patronca...
We're looking for a girl
named Consuela.
We find out where's she's
And that will lead us
to Lupe and the coke.
And John, try not to stand out,
Hector! Goddammit, what'd I tell
you, you're not a fucking DJ!
Hey there, amigo. Uh, quite a
place you got here. Really nice.
Um... to start...
I would like one of your finest
cervezas, por favor.
I believe $2.00 should do it.
I don't want no gringo prices.
Oh my.
Nice boots.
Oh, thank you, thank you
so much.
Ah, you can keep the change.
I'm also, uh... I'm hoping
you know something...
About this girl right here.
Why you asking? You a cop?
No, no, I'm not a cop.
No, no, no, I'm just a friend,
I'm just looking for her.
She messing with you, too?
No, not that I know of.
No, it's nothing personal,
I just wanna talk to her.
Okay... just had to check.
Her name's Consuela.
She lives at the Hollywood
premiere motel...
With her sister, Lupe.
Oh, oh wow, okay, uh... great,
that was a lot easier...
Than I thought it would be.
Thank you, uh, gracias.
Oh, he spit that pit
on your floor.
Uh, you know what, that is
legitimately all I needed...
To know, so... all right...
I'm gonna let you keep that and
thank you so much for your time.
You can actually have the beer,
that's for you, my tip. Thanks.
Be careful! She plays mind
Takes hours to respond to texts.
Oh, hello.
One of the most annoying things
is that she'll make plans...
And then cancel them, day of.
She'll invite you over to watch
a movie and then...
Just wanna watch a movie!
Uh... okay.
Oh, and she's a Capricorn.
Okay, I really, I gotta get
Yo, if you find her, tell her
Rigaberto is thinking about her.
I will. Good day, gentlemen.
John so, after my
stellar detective work...
I pointed Steve in the
Of the Hollywood premiere
Where Consuela was known
to frequent.
Damn! Oh my god.
Hey, baby, I'm mocha.
You looking for a date?
I... uh... I don't think so.
What... you some kind of fag
or something, sweetie?
No! What would... how...
Mocha, maybe you could help me.
Have you seen this girl
right here?
What kind of Annie Oakley
bullshit is that?
Some kind of bullshit Knott's
Berry farm picture.
I don't know.
Well, that one's Lupe,
I've seen her.
Room 216.
You didn't see a little dog,
too, did you?
Oh, that dog's got some
bowel problems.
He doesn't have any bowel
Well, he shits fuckin'
It's a nervous disorder.
Now, if you change your mind...
Mocha will turn you out.
I will noodle on that.
Oh, I'm gonna noodle on you.
Trust me.
You cute.
Okay, so, it is 8:36 P.M.
I've got my stakeout provisions
I am headed to the lookout
spot right now.
Time to kick the tires
and light the fire.
John, right?
Yeah, hi...
I'm John, my name's John. Hello.
I know, we've met.
I just said your name.
Yeah, I'm sorry, I remember you,
I'm just, uh...
I'm not used to
people remembering me.
Well, how could I forget a guy
who followed me...
Down a dark alley?
I should have finished the job,
killed you there.
Sorry, I wouldn't kill you.
By the way, were you just
talking to yourself?
Yeah... no... no, I was talking
into my phone here.
I take field notes.
So, are you following
someone tonight?
Uh... actually, yes.
I probably shouldn't be
mentioning this...
But, yeah, I got a pretty sweet
case going on.
I'm following a graffiti artist
by the name of Salvatore Lopez.
Salvatore Lopez?
Could be "Salvator",
I don't really know.
I love him.
You do? You know him?
Yeah, of course, he's like
the Banksy of Venice.
I would love to see what
he looks like.
You and me both.
Do you want some company?
Yes, but you know it's just...
I mean, it's a stakeout,
it's sitting in a car.
I don't mind.
Okay. You have a very low bar
for a fun evening.
Okay, my turn.
Fuck, marry, kill,
Ellen Degeneres...
Oprah or Kelly Ripa?
Okay, uh, well, I'd fuck Oprah,
because she's beautiful.
She's a national treasure and if
I do it right, I'll get a car!
Look under your seats!
Then I guess I'd marry Ellen...
Just because of the sense
of humor...
You gotta want that in a wife.
And she's got an endless supply
of sneakers and suits.
That's true.
And will dance the day away.
And then, I guess, I'd have to
kill Kelly. Sweet, sweet Ripa.
Only because, that's the nature
of the game...
And someone's gotta die.
It would probably scar me
for life...
It would ruin my marriage,
with Ellen, so...
That's fair.
It's so crazy to me that you,
That you know Salvatore
Lopez, that's...
Yeah, he's great, I mean, I love
the way he combines...
The Japanese theory of Shuko
with a street-style aesthetic.
Yes, yes.
Plus, his intimate knowledge
with the male anatomy.
It's very sensual.
And the way the veins follow
your eyes.
Yeah, yeah.
And the scrotal shading.
Shut up.
You know, you're kind of cute.
Well, I've been told I'm a bit
of a young Roger Daltrey...
If he spent a lot of time
with computers.
Oh, John...
Oh, Nola...
Ooh, it's my little noodle.
Hey. Mm-mm. Ladies.
I like watching you walk away.
Buddy! Aw, man, come on.
There you go.
Did you miss me?
Aw, come here, pal...
Take a little rest.
What do you think you're doing
in my girl Lupe's room?
Dog Walker... they didn't
tell you?
You don't look like no dog
Walker to me.
That's all you got, baby?
See, I came to this town
with a dream...
Make-up artist to all the
stars and shit.
Then I got side-tracked
when I met Henry.
He was sweet as molasses.
He took good care of me.
Loved me for what I was.
Good man like that's
hard to find.
Don't I know it, girl.
What happened to him?
Oh, I killed him.
There... what do you think,
I feel really special.
Yeah, I knew you would.
Whew! You know what I think
is next?
A ride home?
We gonna have to give you
a shave, baby.
I'll be right back.
Come on, sweetness, let's move
little doggie to the bathroom...
Before it shits all
over the bed.
Gonna have some fun...
Now, don't be wiggling
around on me...
'Cause I'd hate to cut off what
little you got down there, baby.
Here you go, buddy. Here boy,
here you go, pal, come here.
Come on, let's go. Here we go.
Get your ass back here now!
You broke my nose!
Run, buddy, I'll find you!
Get him!
Bitch, come back here!
Come back here, motherfucker!
Let's get him!
Get that motherfucker!
Come on, girls!
Let's get him! Get him!
We're gonna kick your ass!
Open that car!
Get out of that car right now!
He was kinda cute.
Hey, fellas, how you doing?
You borrow money,
you pay money back.
Yeah, of course I do.
You gave me a week.
No, it's a day.
Yeah, but it's a week though,
It's always a day.
It's one day, no?
It's always been a day.
Mm... nice lipstick.
Oh yeah, it's my girlfriend's
Brings out the color
in your eyes.
So, a day?
One day.
All right.
Remind him of the due date, huh?
I'm pretty sure that's you,
I just don't know what
happened to you.
I'm running out of time, okay?
The Chinese are coming to visit
the building tomorrow.
It's a lucha libre wrestler...
And I think he's tea-bagging
you, Lew.
I'm gonna lose the sale, okay?
Everything I worked for,
for fuck's sake!
You said you were gonna take
care of this!
All right, I got it, I got it...
I'll take care of it.
All right?
Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ.
Hey, Lew, you think you could...
Loan me $5,000?
You want me to lend you...
Fuck you!
And what happened to you?
You were supposed to take care
of this.
Yeah, I know, I'm sorry,
I got, uh... distracted.
Just go find the graffiti
It's very creative.
I've never even imagined
tea-bagging someone like that.
Hey, Dave.
You're drinking alone
and the sun's still up.
I've been evicted from my
own house.
Ah, I'm sorry to hear that.
You know I'm there for you.
I know.
Promise me that you'll let
me be there.
Fine. I'll let you be there.
Listen, I count on you to be
the ballast in my life.
I need you to turn this
thing around.
I'm there for you.
So, about that five grand
plus interest I need...
So Yuri doesn't kill me.
From the closing sale
at the shop.
Oh, wow.
Me dinero es Su dinero.
Thanks, man. Thank you.
Really, thank you.
So, you are learning to let go?
I'm letting go, all right.
Here... crash at my place.
Yeah. Thanks.
Hey, Yuri.
Thank you very much, very much.
You're welcome.
You're a man of your word, da?
You, too. I appreciate it.
Listen, don't borrow any money
from me, huh?
It's dangerous.
Thank you.
All right, thanks again.
Come on, ladies.
Hey, Steve? Hey, hold on.
Hold on. Wait for it.
Yes, I got him!
John I got Salvatore.
Yeah, I was looking right
at him.
Uh... and... just...
I don't know if this changes
anything, but he's not Latino.
Well, 'cause Salvatore Lopez,
But he's not, he's black.
All right, I'll see you
in a little bit.
That doesn't make me a racist...
I just thought you might...
I'll be here.
You must be Salvatore.
How much does this one go for?
I'll tell you what, I'll give
you five dollars for this...
And keep you from going to jail.
Man, I think you should
get the fuck out of here.
What's that? What's that?
Hold still, jerkoff.
You painted the top
of my head blue.
You remember?
Now you're gonna tell me
everything you know.
Hey, fuck you, man.
This paint don't come off.
What... what... what'd you
write on his face?
Or did you just stomp him?
Dude, what is with you
and all the violence?
Aw, shit.
Hey, look who it is.
What's up, cholos?
Where's my shit?
Yeah, where's his shit?
Dude, I'm standing right here.
I can hear every word he says.
Shut the fuck up!
Hey, hey...
Don't talk to him like that...
You shut the fuck up!
I'm cool, I'm cool.
We're all good.
You and your dog's time
is running out.
You didn't find Lupe yet,
did you?
You're the one that's supposed
to be looking.
I want my shit back!
I want my dog back.
Whoa, jeez. Great.
You got 24 hours, Holmes.
I'm gonna come find you.
Have fun.
You probably don't care but,
um... you're saying, "24"...
But your hands are actually
saying, "42."
I know when I do my gang
I like to practice
in the mirror.
See this watch? This watch is
shit. Fuck your watch!
What's the matter with you?
You might want to get out
of the house once in a while.
I know.
What are you doing?
I gotta go steal back some drugs
for these gang guys...
So I can get my dog back.
But first I gotta go shake up
these real estate assholes.
Wanna come?
Sounds like fun.
Could be dangerous.
Maybe I'll die.
Hi, we're here to see
Mr. Carter.
Do you have an appointment?
No, just tell him we represent
Lew the Jew.
Lew the Jew?
Lew the Jew. Hurry up.
Just a moment.
Hurry up?
No more Patience.
Have a mint.
How can I help you, gentlemen?
You are so fucked.
I'm sorry, excuse me?
This about money?
It's always about money.
It's Lew the Jew,
come on, you need a few bucks?
No, don't need money.
But here is the deal we are
gonna make you.
You are gonna make Lew the Jew
a very generous offer...
For all the shit that you've
done to his apartment building.
We were thinking $22 million.
22... $22 million?
And you are gonna give Dave
here a brand new condo.
One bedroom and a den.
Right on the beach, for free.
Okay, this, uh... is a moment
for me to call the police.
Excuse me.
Oh, good, well, you can show
them this...
Because right there,
that is a signed...
Sworn affidavit by
a Salvatore Lopez...
The graffiti artist that
you hired to paint all over...
Lew the Jew's buildings,
so the Chinese would drop...
Their offer and you could buy
for less.
So, we have a deal, right?
Or am I gonna have to put your
head through that fucking wall?
There, there you go, fellas.
You have a good day, all right?
Bye, bye.
You're short.
You're short.
That's all prince gave me
for that stuff.
I swear.
Oscar, I would never lie to you.
I gotta get back to Spyder's
before he suspects anything.
What happens if Spyder
finds out?
Fuck Spyder.
Where are you taking my dog?
I found him out back.
He's my dog now.
Just stay here.
Pinche loco.
Time to go.
Fuck Oscar and fuck Spyder.
Bonus! What gives?
Some "just in case" stuff.
I guess.
Wow, where'd you get this?
Some drug lord?
Nah. You remember Dana Kaminski?
Well, her old man was a cop.
Thank you.
Knuckle duster?
Ninja throwing star?
You sure you want to do this?
What else have I got to do?
I'm with you.
To the hounds. Nice.
You got a flat tire.
Are you kidding me?
Well, fix the fucking thing.
Gigi don't fix no tires.
Fix the fucking thing
or we're gonna be late.
Hurry up, okay?
Hurry up. Bitch.
- What?
- You heard me.
What the hell's taking so long,
I'll take that.
Where's my dog?
Spyder has him.
I swear.
Hi, I'm Dave.
I just electrocuted the shit
out of your friend.
He's taking a little nap
in the trunk.
I want you to try these
bracelets on.
They're free.
Where's the rest of the coke?
That's all there was.
Ooh, a shot to the knee cap,
that's... that's gonna hurt.
Okay, okay, okay, okay...
I sold it to this guy,
black dude, prince.
Where can I find him?
He's always at this bar
called bird cage.
You're very cute.
Where are you going?
You can't leave me here!
Oh, don't worry, we're gonna
call the 9-1-1 for you...
As soon as we scamper off.
Enjoy prison.
What? Pinches gringos!
Okay, you ready?
I've got a boner for the first
time in a year.
I have no real response
to that statement.
Hey, man, how you doing?
Fuck you.
Is there a cover?
Fuck you.
Prince is expecting us.
What's in the case?
A lot of money to buy cocaine.
I was planning on using that
Is there a back door
to this place?
Man, fuck you.
Thanks very much.
You're really good.
Fuck you.
Manhattan, neat,
vodka tonic.
Do you need me to walk you
through that?
Whoa... not so fast.
We're here to see prince.
Spyder sent us.
Spyder? But Oscar
sent some girl over yesterday.
Hang on.
He said they'd see you, but they
hope you know what you're doing.
It's that door down at the end
of the hall.
John prince is a
modern-day entrepreneur...
Money laundering,
prostitution, drug dealing...
What doesn't this guy do?
These two look the fuck
out of place.
What the hell are these cats...
Yo, yo, yo, who the fuck
are you?
I'm Steve.
I'm Dave.
Okay, okay, first thing...
You gotta give me the card
for that DJ, man.
He is playing some
great music out there.
Came here to talk to me
about the motherfucking DJ?
You a crazy motherfucker.
All right, well, so enough
with the talking and shit...
Open the case.
Yeah, just show me the stuff.
Uh, just open the case.
Show me the stuff.
Just open the case.
Show us the stuff.
Open the case.
Show us the fucking stuff!
Motherfucker, open the
motherfucking case.
Show us the motherfucking stuff!
Open the motherfucking case,
What are... what are you doing?
Kill these motherfuckers.
Now the thing you need to do
is sit there real quiet...
And just sit back.
I'm just gonna hold this up
to your neck.
Okay, be very cool.
We're gonna stand up, you ready?
Come on.
Shit just got real.
You, put your gun down,
put your gun down.
Take that cocaine, put it
in our case and shut it.
Tick, tick, tick, tick.
Oh, here we go, nice and easy.
Nice and easy, watch your step.
You're in control, boss.
Fuck you.
Dave, you got this?
I got it.
Good, easy, don't move, don't
fucking move, you hear me?
It was nice meeting you,
all of you!
Hold on to this.
Oh, shit! Oh! Oh, shit!
Oh, fuck.
The fuck y'all running to?
You motherfuckers fired!
All of y'all are fired.
That's right,
it's the muffin man.
Oscar you find that cocaine?
Just put Spyder on the phone!
Go fuck yourself!
No, I will not go
fuck myself, Oscar.
Just tell Spyder that I got
his coke...
And I want my dog and my money,
all right?
So I'll be over there tonight.
All right, goodbye.
Well, that was easy.
Yeah, easy getting in,
not so easy getting out.
It sure smells like a set-up.
You got a plan?
Of course, I got a plan.
You see what's happening here,
don't you?
For the first time in your life,
Katey and Taylor...
You're putting them and their
needs before your own.
Now me, I'm doing the totally
opposite thing.
I'm putting my needs
before anyone else's...
For the first time in my life.
I've become you, and you've
become me.
It's a little right on the nose,
isn't it, Dave?
Sure, but I didn't have much
time with it.
Great news! Jesus!
It's me, it's okay.
What the fuck are you doing
here, John?
Oh, uh, I have something
for you guys.
Hi, guys.
Fellas, you're a day early...
The luau has been changed
'til tomorrow.
Fuck you!
Hey, Manu? Just... please.
It's okay.
Listen, we are here to apologize
to you, Steve...
For kicking the shit out of you.
Yeah, little dude says we
Why are you listening to the
little dude?
He's dating our sister.
How many sisters do you have?
Only one.
Yeah, yeah, it just happened,
just crazy chemistry...
Just right off the bat.
Just very... very heated, in a
respectable way, just modest...
Modests, hot modests.
Why didn't you just beat
the shit out of him?
Momma likes him.
You met Nola's mom?
Yeah, yeah, uh, just yesterday,
actually... a very lovely lunch.
Joan... is a wonderful cook.
And it turns out, we both have a
passion for vintage cinema, so...
So we're all good here?
Yeah, we're cool.
Oh, we owe you, Steve, and if
there's anything you need...
You could come see us.
What are you guys doing
right now?
John I know
I'm in the minority here...
But I don't love gun battles...
At creepy, drug-cartel trap
If anything, I'm more
of an "au natural"...
Hand-to-hand combat kind
of guy.
So, I just sat this one out and
headed back to the office.
You know, to do office stuff.
Here you go, buddy. Hold tight,
okay, come on.
Ssh, let's get out of here.
Not much of a plan,
if I can say that.
Stay here with the coke.
I'm gonna try and get buddy.
Keep your head down.
Picked the right man
for the job.
Get some!
Fuck you.
What the fuck, Holmes?
It's that muffin motherfucker,
He's back, took a shot at me!
Watch the windows, I'll find
that muffinfucker!
Drop the gun.
Does Spyder know you and Lupe stole all
the drugs? And you've been fucking her?
Where's my coke, bitch?
You lying motherfucker.
Now what?
We had a deal... your doggie and
the money for my cocaine.
You got my coke?
It's on it's way.
Bring it on, motherfucker!
Dave, Dave!
What the fuck are you doing?
I'm completely out of control.
All right, that's our guy.
Is that for me?
Yes, here we go.
I got it, I got it.
Dude... okay. Thank you.
Hang on to that.
There he is, come here.
Buddy! I missed you so much!
You been feeding my dog?
Pedigree, lamb and rice blend,
he loves that shit.
Yeah, he does. Thanks for
looking after him.
No problem.
We cool?
Cool. See you down the road,
All right, okay.
Not a bad fella, that Spyder.
John so, Steve got the job done.
Was it unorthodox in execution?
Should he see someone about
multiple concussions...
In a span of 24 hours?
Could he benefit from maybe
a therapist to help him...
Sort out some of his many
That's not for me to say.
The main thing is... Steve got
his dog back.
Lew the Jew made good on his
deal, and me, I got the girl.
Never thought I'd get
to say that.
She's all yours.
You, uh, take good care of her,
I will, Lew.
Thank you very much.
You did the right thing.
Hi, baby. Do you like your new
My new room is pretty amazing.
Thanks, uncle Steve.
You're welcome. Have a good time
Thought you might want that.
Thank you.
Hot moo!
I'll take a steak.
John either way,
everyone is happy. Case closed.
John Steve, it's me, it's John.
I can't hear you very well.
Here, I got you.
Who is this?
It's John.
Yeah, uh, look, I know everyone
is probably looking forward...
To my world-famous pasta salad,
but I won't be able to make it.
so I invite you to my party...
And you're not gonna bring
No, no, uh, I won't be able
to attend the barbeque...
Pasta salad's already made.
Okay, no worries, pal,
I'll see you tomorrow.
Well, yeah...
Hello? Steve?
Ah, I believe he hung up.
That's terrible, because if
he's not gonna come to us...
Now we gotta go to him...
Which means you need
to tell us where he is.
No... no, I won't.
So, you're just gonna have
to find him...
And you won't be able
to find Steve.
Not in Venice, he knows every
nook and cranny...
In this neighborhood.
He'll disappear, he's got
friends in high places...
And got friends in low places.
I didn't mean to quote that
country song right now...
But the point is, if he even
gets a whiff of trouble...
He'll turn into a ghost.
Not literally, obviously, but...
Hold on. Clancy, rewind that
shit back like a minute.
What's the address of that house
we scored from Lew the Jew?
John I'm
standing in Steve's parents'...
House at 845 Holland canal...
The one with the white picket
I think it's mid-century.
Really? And you know,
it's perfect timing...
Because I'm starving... and
I really love pasta salad.
I hear yours is world-renowned.
You guys hungry? Y'all ready to
go eat?
Yeah, okay? We're going to a
party, white boy.
Oh, god. Please don't.
Actually... let's go.
Thank you... thank you for not
shooting my balls.
Okay, well, I'll just be here.