One Big Happy Family (2025) Movie Script
1
[thunder]
[music]
[laughter]
[music]
[music]
RACHEL: A bat mitzvah
is the single most
important day
of a Jewish girl's life.
It's the day she
becomes a woman
in front of her
entire family...
And all of her friends.
- Dork.
- [giggling]
RACHEL: This was
my bat mitzvah.
[chanting in Hebrew]
And this is my sister Sara.
She marches to her own beat.
What that beat is,
we're still unclear.
And this is my mother Lenore.
And let's be honest,
this was really her day.
And this is my dad,
doing what he did best...
Loving me.
I was a shy kid, so
this was all kind of tough.
I had to read from the Torah
and chant lots of prayers.
But then I had
to make a speech.
In my own words.
This was the moment I dreaded.
[heartbeats]
I thought I was
actually going to die.
My heart started racing,
the room started spinning.
[giggling]
But what happened next,
may have been worse than death.
[music]
GIRL (whispering):
What is she doing?
Today, I am a woman.
What does it mean
to be a woman, I ask myself?
Rachel, darling, what is this?
We all know that...
the day you become a woman
is the day you
first menstruate?
Red Letter Day,
we used to call it.
The day I got my first period.
My mother slapped
me across the face
because that's what
they did back then.
Remember the day
you got your first period?
Who will forget that day?
RACHEL: My family spoke
about this moment
of utter humiliation
for years to come.
That innocent shyness
snowballed into severe
anxiety and a lifelong
fear of public speaking.
So, I'm now a
mom and my daughter
Sammie's bat
mitzvah is coming up.
And besides planning
this monster of an event,
which at this
point may have me
institutionalized,
I must do the unthinkable.
Make a speech.
But I am determined
to give Sammie
the perfect day
that I didn't have.
One that no mothers,
meaning me
in this case,
could possibly ruin.
[music]
But you know that old
Yiddish saying...
"Man plans and God laughs"?
There's a reason
those old adages hold true.
Today I am an old woman.
[footsteps]
What?
Oh, um, I was just, I...
Happy birthday, baby.
RACHEL: Oh, and it
was also my 40th birthday.
Oh, no.
What's wrong?
I--the speech.
I--I--I can't do it.
I can't do it.
Listen, why don't
you just forget about that
today and let
us celebrate you.
I'm trying to forget
about my birthday.
All this attention's
giving me anxiety.
Are you taking
the ashwagandha?
Are you insane?
Have you at least
opened up your relaxation app?
The only app I open
is for my word games.
Which only gives
you more anxiety.
I love you.
And I love your anxiety.
And I love that
you're the only actress
in the world who hates
being the center of attention.
[record scratch]
RACHEL:Maybe
I should back up a bit.
Despite my absolute fear
of public speaking,
I'm also an actress.
So because I was always
told I don't look Jewish,
I had to
change my last name
and develop a completely
different actor persona.
Hi, my name is Rachel Dawn, and
I'm from Long Island, New York.
INTERVIEWER: Great.
Ready to try one?
Remember, we need
a lot of energy.
I feel the light
of Christ inside me.
And here's a
lovely birthday gift.
The union kicked me
off the health insurance.
Said I didn't earn enough.
Aren't the struggling,
unemployed actors the ones
who are actually in
need of the insurance?
Well, thankfully,
we're not struggling.
And you can be on
my insurance for once,
which kind of makes
you my dependent.
That actually makes
it worse, because my dad
hardwired me
to be independent.
I wonder what he'd be
saying to me right now.
Probably that all my
supplements are horseshit.
Besides that, I mean about
the whole bat mitzvah thing.
He always knew
the perfect words
to make all my fear
and anxiety disappear.
He'd say, "This too shall pass."
Oh, no.
That just reminded me
my mother's coming soon.
- How did that remind you--
- Oh, my God, the girls.
Are they awake?
We have to leave
in like ten minutes.
Yes, they are awake,
dressed, and may have
something waiting
for you in the kitchen.
- So, meet me downstairs.
- Okay.
[music]
[sighs] Oh, gosh.
Daddy, I need you.
[music]
Happy birthday, Mom!
Aw, thank you, my loves.
Come here.
Oh, I love you guys so much.
I made you a birthday parfait.
Why did you do
that without me?
Daddy.
Sammie, stop.
Dad, what the hell?
Is this cheese?
For decoration.
SAMMIE: Gross.
- Mom?
- Yeah?
Do I have to do my
bat mitzvah lesson today?
Yes.
Amanda, this is amazing.
But today's a
special occasion.
So is your bat mitzvah.
But--I just have
a lot of homework, Mom.
Maybe we should just
cancel the whole thing.
No DJs, no ballrooms.
I don't know, Marcus,
what do you think?
Religion's your thing.
I'm staying out of it.
My love, a bat mitzvah
is more than just a party.
You're gonna
become a Jewish woman.
Our Judaism is the
one constant in our life.
I know all this studying
is a lot, but it's one
of those things you're
gonna be so grateful you did.
Oh, just like
you're so grateful?
Well, my bat mitzvah
was a total disaster,
but I promise you, yours will
be a completely different thing.
Well, Mother, since
I'm putting so much
time and effort into
my Hebrew studies,
I'm hoping you're doing the same
with, say, writing your speech?
- Oh, no.
- Sammie, please, not now.
Mom, you're an actress,
for Christ's sake.
You're gonna ruin
the whole day if you don't.
Sammie.
Sammie, I love you,
but you know
you're asking
the impossible, right?
Sammie, she can't,
but I can.
You're not even Jewish.
All right, girls,
come on, let's go.
Uh, Rach, speaking
of that, I hate
to bring it up,
but at some point we gotta
talk about my relatives
in all this. [phone dings]
And, girls, you
guys ready for school?
AMANDA: No.
MARCUS: Let's give Mom
a break and I can drive you.
SAMMIE: No.
Huh?
No, Mama.
[Rachel chuckles]
What's wrong with Daddy?
Wow. Be that way.
I'll pick you up for dinner.
Hey, I wanna go
to dinner with you guys.
Me too, I wanna go.
I love your soft,
floppy arm skin.
It's like Grandma's.
Hmm, thank you, but, no,
you're not coming to dinner.
Let's go.
[school bell rings]
[phone rings]
Hi, Mamala.
Wait, wait... one, two,
a-one-two-three...
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear Rachel
Happy birthday to you
Thank you, Mamala, thank you.
That's Bernie and
Zelda from the temple.
BERNIE AND ZELDA:
Happy birthday, Rachel.
We wanted to be the first
to wish you a happy birthday.
You're not exactly
the first, but...
Zelda, you can go now, honey.
Bernie's colitis
is acting up again.
Lovely.
So what do you mean
we're not the first ones?
What time is it there?
Listen, you could have
at least said hello to them.
The girls are
already at school.
We just finished breakfast.
You know I don't sleep at night.
I couldn't sleep either.
What now?
What's going on?
Pre-event anxiety.
I don't know how you
come up with all this mishigas.
Hopefully that
husband of yours
is planning something
special for you tonight.
Yes, he is, Mamala.
We're going out
to dinner with Gerry
and her new flavor
of the month, Pablo.
Give her my love
and tell her I want the name
of that medium
that was on her show.
Honestly, I can't add
one more thing to my brain.
My head is about to explode.
Marcus suddenly
wants to talk
about his family
at the bat mitzvah.
Apparently, they're
all freaking out
about going
to a Jewish service.
This is why, and I
know I'm not supposed
to say this, it's important
to marry within your religion.
Oy, Ma! Don't start.
I'm not starting,
but I'm just saying.
This bat mitzvah is between you
and your daughter
and your father.
The only thing
getting me through
all this insanity
is my connection to him.
Well, I wish I was
there to toast you tonight.
Well, you know,
that wish could be a reality
if you would just
sell the house and move here.
You know, be
a normal grandmother.
You know I don't like to
be called that name, right?
Okay, I'll call you later.
I have to start packing.
You're coming in like a week.
It takes me time.
I have to get out
all my summerclothes,
lay everything out on the bed.
It's freezing here.
Then I have to go through
security with my titanium hip.
[sighs] You're not
even listening to me.
And take my shoes
off at my age, oy.
You have pre-check.
Oh, yeah.
Okay, Mamala, I love you.
[kisses] Love you more.
Why do you always
have to say that?
Everyone always
says that and it...
[call ends]
[music]
I swear, my productions
would all go up in flames
if I wasn't there
to put out every fire.
Oh, damn.
Now I want a fireman.
- Rachel, happy birthday.
- Thank you.
I see your practice
is deepening.
Thank you, Lawrence.
- I've been really--
- How's your mother doing?
She'll be in town for
the big event, I presume.
Oh, yes, she will.
Tell her Lawrence
from yoga sends his best.
She truly is a remarkable woman.
That she is.
I think Lawrence wants my mom.
Can you blame him?
Lenore's a babe.
[scoffs] Yeah, five minutes
with her and he'll give
up his yoga practice
for crystal meth.
Oh, your mom's the best.
So, tell me, birthday
girl, how do you feel?
Forty and fabulous?
- More like old and obsolete.
- Oh, stop it.
Forty is when you finally
start to know yourself...
when you start
to know your body.
Yeah, I know that
my belly skin flops
over my face
when I'm in down dog.
You're body dysmorphic.
I'm talking about sex.
You're always talking about sex.
Can we talk about
something fun,
like me ruining my
daughter's bat mitzvah?
Oh, I almost forgot.
- Did you get your results?
- What results?
The DNA test we took.
Mine came back this morning.
I think I'm a royal.
I don't know how you convinced
me to do these
ridiculous things.
Rachel, you gotta check it.
It tells you everything...
Your genetic
makeup, your health risks,
which I have
none, by the way.
It connects you with
cousins all over the world.
I don't need some website
to tell me I'm a neurotic Jew.
With more than enough
family to drive me insane.
Have you seen my seating chart?
It's like a
medieval battle plan.
[music]
Ugh, Gerry.
[music]
APP: [ding]
You have new relatives.
What?
Grandfather?
[beeps]
Hi, Bobby.
[sends message]
Ridiculous.
Ay...
[Sammie chanting in Hebrew]
[Rachel chanting in Hebrew]
- Mm-hm.
[Sammie continues chanting]
[phone rings]
Hey, Ma.
What's up?
I'm just cooking
dinner for the girls.
I forgot to tell you,
when you're doing
the seating
arrangement, Aunt Martha
can't sit next to Uncle Arthur.
They're still not speaking.
Because of the dog.
You know, it may be
easier if you send me
a color-coded chart
of who's not speaking
to whom, about
what, coupled with a list
of things I should
or shouldn't say,
highlighted with specific
times of the evening.
I'm just trying to help.
I can assure you,
you're not helping.
I don't want you to
go to dinner tonight.
Oh, honey.
Mama's on the verge
of a nervous breakdown,
incited by your grandmother.
Ach, Grandmother.
[phone rings]
Ma, I think it's
the caterers, um...
Let me just call
you tomorrow. I love you.
LENORE: Love you more.
- [groans]
[beeps]
Hello?
-Rachel?
- Yeah.
I mean, who's calling?
Rachel. This is Bobby,
your grandfather.
- How'd you get my number?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
It was in your profile,
and I got it from there.
Are you there?
Hello?
Look, um, this
really isn't a good time.
Okay. I just thought
that you wanted
to connect because
the DNA test said that...
You know, I just
thought that it was insane
that they were saying
you were my grandfather
and you're exactly my age.
I mean, at least as of
today, you are, but...
Wow. Well, so
it's your birthday.
Well, happy birthday.
That's really crazy.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm well aware of the irony, but
look, um, I'm sure I spit wrong.
Oh, yeah.
You know, into the
tube, um, there was alcohol
in my saliva,
and I'm sure it just kinda
messed things
up a bit, and so it...
I'm sure the
whole thing is wrong,
so I don't even
know why I called.
Or you called, or someone
called someone, but...
- You called. I called...
- Okay, goodbye.
Okay.
[music]
[sets phone down]
Another telemarketer?
No, it was...
I don't even fucking know.
SAMMIE: Mom?
I'm done with my Hebrew lesson?
Hello, Rachel.
Hi, Rabbi Josephine.
I... I was just
practicing lines.
New role.
No, you weren't.
You said that the
business was misogynist,
and ageist, and no
one wants you anymore.
Amanda? Gosh.
I... I don't know where she
comes up with these things.
Well, Rachel,
I'm glad to know
that you're still
comfortable on stage.
The mother's speech
has come to be what
I look forward to
most in the service.
You become a
voice for all mothers.
No pressure.
Yeah. Yeah.
[clears throat]
I... I... I can't wait to
be that... that voice.
[laughs] And then Sammie,
who was three
at the time, she
says, "Oh, no, Mrs. Walters,
my daddy uses that
word all the time."
Tell them the
other preschool story.
What other preschool story?
You know, when you
had to give a speech
at the PTA meeting...
she almost passed out.
I'm really glad
my incapacitating
phobia gives you such joy.
It was so good.
Didn't you say
she was an actress?
Is an actress... is.
You know, according
to the drug ads,
I suffer moderate
to severe anxiety,
Pablo, but no,
I'm not an actress.
- I quit.
MARCUS & GERRY: Again?
Mm-hmm.
Mm.
Another.
Maybe I should
go into social work.
You have social
anxiety and hate people.
- Mm.
- She has some anxiety.
It's really not that bad.
And thanks to
your brilliant DNA test,
I found out I have a grandfather
who happens to be my age.
MARCUS & GERRY: What?
Is that a thing?
No, that's not a thing.
What DNA test?
One of my talk shows gave
us a bunch of RapidDNA tests.
Rachel and I took
them over mimosas.
Oh, you can call
me Queen, by the way.
- Ay, mi reina.
- [laughs]
But wait a minute.
These companies only estimate
relationships by the
percentage of DNA shared.
So this guy
could either be your
grandfather or
your half-brother.
ALL: What?
But what do I know?
I'm just a doctor.
And I saw a
murder show about it.
You know what? I need
a murder show on my slate.
Wait.
You're saying
I have a half-brother?
Or a grandfather.
Okay, there are no
grandfathers involved.
It can be wrong.
Mm...DNA doesn't lie.
Who are you, Maury Povich?
Who?
Maybe you did the test wrong.
You're the one who
did it for me, Queen.
It also says that
I'm only half-Jewish.
That's impossible.
- You're like super-Jew.
- I know.
I should be documenting this.
Do I need to be jealous
of this Maury Povich?
This whole thing is a mistake.
I'm sure of it.
[humming]
Sara...
Sara.
Oh, hey, birthday girl.
My birthday was yesterday.
The sun is in your
sign and I celebrate you.
Come here, my sister.
Gosh, I remember
the moment you were born.
I swear, I felt
the cosmic shift.
That's impossible.
I'm older than you.
You smell like
a skunk, by the way.
[giggles] New dispensary
next door. Shh...
Do you have anything
for a hangover?
I'm not feeling very well.
Alcohol is blocking
your meridians.
This one cleanses the liver.
Mm-mm.
You didn't come
to my show last night.
Oh, no.
I completely forgot.
Oh, I know.
Your acting is way more
important than my music, so...
- Are you serious?
- I'm serious.
Why do you always do that?
Hello, Sara.
Oh, hi, Rachel.
- Hi, Lawrence.
- Namaste, guru.
Wait, wow do you
two know each other?
Um, Sara, this is
the yoga teacher
I told you about.
You know, with Mom.
- What yoga teacher?
- Oh, my God.
Are you sisters?
Yeah.
Of course you are.
I see Lenore's
radiance in both of you.
What a remarkable woman.
Okay.
Lawrence from yoga
totally has a crush on Mom.
That would be so great for her.
With all her hip problems, it's
all coming from her root chakra.
You know, that
could totally open
her up energetically
and physically.
You know what I'm saying?
No. No. I have no idea
what you're saying.
But, um, but look,
um, I did this DNA test
with Gerry, and it says
I'm only half Jewish
and that I have a half brother.
What? That is really great.
I'm so excited for you.
How is that at all great?
It's really messed up.
Oh, you know,
I don't believe in DNA.
But whatever it
is, you will always
be a part of my
spiritual family.
What is that supposed to mean?
And, alright, DNA
is not something you
could choose whether
or not to believe in.
It's not like some hip trend
like juicing, for instance.
Wow. This DNA thing
clearly triggers you.
Yes, Sara.
I'm very, very triggered.
It's a lot of
negative energy, okay?
Listen, if you want,
I will take the test, too,
and we can embark on
this mystical quest together.
Really?
Okay.
Except for, can
you send me the test?
Because you know that I don't
subscribe to the concept
of financial transactions,
but my landlord does.
And my manager has been cutting
my hours for some reason.
RACHEL: Sure.
- Oh, my God.
This is going to be so great.
It's going to be like
a real-life episode
of Jerry Springer.
[music]
[music pauses]
[music restarts]
[phone rings]
Hello, darling.
I didn't think you'd
be up this early.
Mom, it's noon here.
I don't live in Hawaii.
You know this time
difference still gets me.
Has it always been three hours?
I feel like it keeps changing.
Okay, Mom.
- Look. Something came up.
What? It's not cancer, is it?
You know, I can't take that.
No, Mom.
I don't have cancer.
Okay, fine. What?
Okay.
- Mom?
- [computer beeps]
Did Daddy cheat on you?
- What?
- Okay, yes.
That was a stupid
question because you probably
wouldn't know
if he was cheating on you.
Wait a second.
It could have been you
who was cheating on him.
Yes. Of course.
It was the sexual revolution.
Gloria Steinem.
Women's lib.
Burning bras.
I don't know what
you're talking about,
but if you ask me, just shave
your armpits and your legs.
Makes you feel more clean.
No, Mom. Okay.
I have a half-brother, I think,
who lives in Long Island.
Did your sister give you one
of her brownies? Huh?
They've been helping
me a lot with my hip pain.
No.
According to
the stupid DNA test,
I have a half-brother,
Bobby, who lives
in Long Island,
and he's exactly my age.
- Paper or plastic?
- What?
Paper or plastic bags?
Crap, I left my bags in the car.
Yeah, that happens
to me all the time.
You have to remember to take the
bags and put them in the trunk.
They are in my trunk, which
is why they're not in here.
Paper's fine.
- So, Mom...
- Double bag or single?
Holy hell, just give me that.
I have no idea what
you're talking about.
Half-brothers and DNA.
Why in the world would
you take this fakakta test?
You know, when you
go looking for dred...
I wasn't looking.
I was drinking with Gerry.
Shit, now I think I have
a drinking problem.
No one cheated on anyone.
Okay? And that test is wrong.
You know, this is
very upsetting to me.
My heart is not
all that good, you know.
What's wrong with
your heart all of a sudden?
Nothing, yet.
But I'm seeing a cardiologist.
Very good-looking man.
He thought I was
in my 50s when we met.
Don't forget my cottage cheese.
That's all I want.
I like to diet
when I'm with you.
I can stand to
lose a few pounds.
Okay, Mamala, I love you.
I love you more.
[call ends]
[sighs]
[indistinct chatter]
[indistinct chatter]
[phone rings]
- Hello?
- [slurping] Mm.
Hey, I'm... wow.
What?
You look so familiar.
Oh, um, yeah.
I'm an actress.
No, did you go to Emerson High?
Oh, um, yes, I did, but, um...
I think we
met at some point.
Yeah, maybe. Well, look...
I don't know how
any of this happened.
I just know that my
father never cheated
on my mother and my mother
never cheated on my father.
Hm. Well, my mother never
cheated on my father
and my father never
cheated on my mother.
When my father was alive,
he was an insanely good man.
Like, basically, everything
good in me is from him.
And he's my literal twin.
We have the same face
and intellect and knees.
I mean, I always
hated my fat knees and then,
one day, I saw
a picture of him
and me walking
on the beach of Cape Cod
and I realized
we had the same exact knees
and then
suddenly I was okay
with them because
they were his.
They were like a
fat family heirloom.
My knees, that is.
Well, wow.
I'm sorry about your
father and your knees, I guess.
My parents died a long time ago.
I guess you could
call me an orphan.
You kind of have
my sister's eyes.
We have a sister!
I mean, you.
You have a sister.
Yeah.
Her name is Sara.
She's a musician.
I am an only child
and I always wanted a sister.
Well, I never wanted a brother.
I was kind of happy with the
way things are... were... are.
Well, look, miss
I-never-wanted-a-brother,
you reached out to me.
So, my test came
back exactly as I expected.
Half Northern European,
half Southern European.
Everything was
fine until you came
and shook it up, my
elderly granddaughter.
Your what?
I know I may
be too old for this
shitty business,
but I'm only 40.
Only 40.
Well, in dog years, you'd
been dead a long time ago.
[laughs]
I always wanted a dog.
But I could never get
one because of my aller--
- Allergies?
- Geez.
You want to do another test?
Different company?
Just to confirm?
- I guess so.
- All right.
I'm going to start
researching ASAP.
This is, uh...
this is pretty cool.
[music]
[ends call]
Tita Christina, of course we
want you at the bat mitzvah.
What? No! We want
all of Marcus' family.
[sighs] You'll be fine.
I promise.
You just have to
sit there and watch.
Like a show...
In Hebrew.
And then you get to eat a lot.
Just not pork.
I know how much you
and Marcus love your lechon.
[phone dings]
COMPUTER: You have
new relatives.
You have new relatives.
- Fuck me.
- You have new relatives.
- No, no, not you.
- You have new relatives.
Tita, no. Um, please,
let me call you back.
Oh, God...
[beeps]
[sets phone on counter]
[phone rings]
- Bobby?
- Rachel, it's Bobby.
Yeah, I know.
I just said that.
- Are you seeing these?
- What now?
Tons of alerts.
Tons of cousins.
Are you lactose intolerant?
Because apparently I am.
Yeah, I'm getting them and
I'm not checking any of them.
Look, I have a lot
going on right now.
The relatives are flying
in for the bat mitzvah.
- Bat Mitzvah?
- Yeah, I'm Jewish.
Well, at least
I think I am,
even though I'm always
told I don't look it.
Uh, what are we
talking about here?
Nothing, nothing.
Uh, look, I gotta go right now.
Yes, of course.
I gotta go buy some Lactaid.
Uh, let me know when you get
the results of the second test.
Sure.
[ends call]
[music]
My girls!
Oh, they're so skinny.
I hope you're feeding them.
No, Mom.
I'm starving them.
New parenting technique.
- I'm hungry.
- She's hungry.
Get in.
Daddy's cooking dinner.
[music]
Thank you, darling.
You're welcome.
[music]
I can't believe you're
wearing that perfume.
[chuckles] Everybody
loves it on me, except you.
That's because
I'm allergic to it, Mom.
[sneezes]
And apparently so is Sammie.
You didn't get these
allergies from me.
I can't breathe back here.
I think my throat's closing up.
[Sammie clears throat]
Sammie, you're fine.
It's just Grandma's perfume.
I wish you would have
chosen a different name for me.
Makes me sound so old.
Mama, I'm hungry.
I think I have
some Goldfish in here.
Can you check?
I can't look and drive.
Goldfish!
Goldfish!
Yeah, hold your horses.
How do you find
anything in here?
Oy, vey.
[phone dings, vibrates]
Oh, your phone is
ringing off the hook.
It's a text message from Bobby.
It says, "The second
test confirmed it, sis."
What is this nonsense?
It's true then.
Someone open a window.
I'm literally dying and you have
these stupid-ass child locks on.
I got it.
And watch your mouth
around your grandmother.
Again with the grandmother?
Goldfish?
Ah, here you go, darling.
Thanks, Granny.
I have something to tell you,
but now is not the right time.
What?
I said now's not the right time.
Whatever you need
to say, just say it.
I'm fine with anything, really.
Just... rip off the band-aid.
Your father
couldn't have children.
Eyes on the road.
Well, we weren't
sure if he could or not,
so I went to a doctor
and got him to help me out.
How did a doctor help you out?
- What kind of doctor?
- Wait, what happened?
Told you this
wasn't the right time.
Shit, Mom, fuck!
What did I miss?
Shit, Mom, fuck!
You didn't miss
anything, my angel.
Go back to your
Facebook thing.
Ew, what am I, 60?
Shit, Mom, fuck!
I'm gonna throw up.
Oh, my God.
Those fucking windows!
Fucking windows!
I told you this
wasn't the right time,
but since you're
pushing it, we mixed
your father's (low) sperm
with someone else's,
and then we went home
and had relations,
like we were
told, and that's that.
Wait, wait.
Whose other sperm?
Squirm.
Sammie told me about squirm.
You're welcome.
I don't know.
You think I'm crazy?
I didn't ask.
I trusted my doctor.
And what about Sara?
You are both your
father's daughters.
Is Sara even my sister?
Aunt Sara's not my aunt?
Aunt Sara is your aunt,
she is your sister,
she is my daughter,
and your father
is both your fathers.
- Grandma's in big trouble.
LENORE: Oy gevalt.
I don't want any
more aggravation.
Can't take it.
I'm not feeling very well.
[music]
TV ANNOUNCER: Pulling
up from half court!
No way! That's insane!
Hey, the Lakers
are up by five.
Your mom and
the girls are upstairs.
Was there a lot of traffic?
Oh, no.
What happened?
MARCUS: Amanda, what's going on?
Mommy's made
for my yucky squirm.
[TV indistinct]
I just can't believe it.
I don't understand her.
She lied to me my whole life.
Technically,
I don't know she lied.
I mean, how could
she not tell me?
Look, both your
parents loved you so much.
This is not about love.
- It's not?
- No, fuck love.
This is about truth.
She betrayed me.
How could I ever
trust her again?
And right before the
bat mitzvah, you know what?
I should just cancel
the whole thing.
Look at me.
Open your mouth.
It was an emergency.
Flower essences.
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna get you some pancit.
And just know that
however you got here,
the girls and I
are so grateful for it.
And, hey, look.
You may wake up tomorrow
and feel better about all of it.
[music]
LENORE: No, wait,
that's not right.
Okay, say it to me
very slowly again.
Barchu, et, adonai, homovara...
Barchu, et, adonai... What?
I don't remember these things.
Barchu et adonai homovara...
You're not old enough
to say that prayer.
Rude.
Well, your Grandfather Jacob,
alav ha-shalom,
he knew all the prayers.
He kept Shabbas
like your mother.
He would sing
(sings) Avenu Makenu
all over the house.
- [laughs]
Come on, girls.
We gotta go.
I'm so happy
you're here, Grandma.
LENORE: Oh, so am I,
Shayna Maidela.
But let's find a better
name for me, okay?
SAMMIE: Okay.
[school bell rings]
So you're going to
your yoga class today?
- Seriously?
- What?
I was wondering if you
were seeing Lawrence.
Lawrence from yoga.
He loves me.
You think I can
do yoga right now?
Can't you see how
incredibly stressed I am?
Oy, daf minisht, okay?
Our family, we never fit
into our conservative
Long Island neighborhood.
We were all about
love and peace and truth.
I mean, you breastfed
at a time where no one else
had the balls to.
Not you.
You're amazing.
[chuckles] Why are you being
such a martyr, Lenore,
they'd say,
I didn't mind.
I loved it.
Remember the Weinbergs?
Remember Daddy sat
them down and told them
they needed to tell
their kids they were adopted,
that--that one day
they were going to find out
that they can't
keep secrets from them?
- It's not the same thing.
- How is it not the same thing?
Because the
Weinbergs were schmucks.
Oh my God, this is not
about the Weinbergs.
My point is, you guys
always made such a big deal
about how truthful we were
as a family when
you blatantly lied.
We didn't lie.
We just didn't think
it was necessary
to tell you every detail
of your conception.
Which most parents
don't, by the way.
And also, I forgot.
- You forgot?
- It wasn't important to me.
Oh, it wasn't
important to you.
No, what was
important to me was giving
your father the family
he always wanted.
We dreamed about a big family,
you know, a lot of tumult.
Your father loved you girls
more than anything in the world.
Isn't that what's important?
God, I had no idea what the
hell you were talking about DNA.
I thought I was going to have a
heart attack when you called me.
What you put me
through is a shonda.
What I put you through?
Do you have any idea
what I'm going through?
I don't even know who I am
anymore, what I am anymore.
I'm not even all Jewish.
The only thing
I ever knew that I was.
You're making a mountain
out of a molehill, Rachel.
I am made of
a complete stranger.
Sara is going to
lose her mind over this.
Don't you tell her about this.
It'll ruin her life.
It'll ruin her life?
But for me, it's
a freaking molehill.
You can handle it.
You're a shtarker.
Me?
I'm running on fumes.
I can't even speak at my
own daughter's bat mitzvah.
The only time I ever
feel somewhat sane
is when I'm
acting and not me.
I don't even remember what my
real last name is at this point.
[music]
Rachel.
How serendipitous.
Hey, Lawrence.
Sat nam.
Sat nam, my dear.
I was worried about you.
You weren't in class.
Gerry mentioned a
possible midlife crisis.
[laughs] What?
Don't you have
to be like 40 to...
I'm fine. Really.
Um, I am so happy
to be in midlife.
I just have so much
going on, you know,
with the bat mitzvah
and some other things, so...
Well, whatever it is.
Just know "this too shall pass."
[music]
Thank you.
And stay away from
the green cleansing juice.
It's from hell.
[music]
[indistinct chatter]
Sara, you are not
going to believe this.
Yeah, I have
nothing to say to you.
Wait, what?
Your fucking DNA test.
It ruined... my life.
How could you do this to me?
Why would you make me do this?
I didn't make you do anything.
You're the one who suggested it.
Do the words "mystical
quest" come to mind?
Yeah, I have no idea
why you're here, half-sister.
Oh, my God. What?
- Oh, my God.
- What?
Yep. Yeah, I have
some other father,
some random guy,
User Number 63
or whatever the fuck,
and my whole family is a lie.
Wait a second.
I thought you
didn't believe in DNA.
Well, I don't.
Okay, but somehow
this all makes sense.
What does?
My daddy didn't love me.
Sara, that is so not true.
He never liked my music.
Your music was about
feminine bodily fluids.
And he hated the
fact that I was gay.
Sara, are you kidding me?
He introduced you
to your first girlfriend.
Do you remember that
redhead with the braces?
Well, I feel abandoned, okay?
I feel like the
poor pit bull at the shelter,
you know, the sweet dog
in the back,
covered in his own poop,
waiting for home.
But no, people are too busy
buying dogs from breeders.
Adopt, don't shop.
She's right.
I love her.
I don't even have a dog.
I have allergies.
And I have no allergies.
I can even eat...
gluten.
[gasps]
We're not real sisters.
Sara, I never meant
for any of this to happen.
Well, the damage
is already done
and you can cancel
the vegan meal.
I will not be attending
the bat mitzvah
because I'm not a
part of your DNA family.
- Wait, Sara.
- I'm out.
I work here.
You should go.
[music]
I'm sorry, Rachel.
She wants you.
Of course she does.
Hey.
You know I love you, right?
[music]
Can you tell me another
story about Grandpa Jacob?
Oh, no, love.
It's getting late.
Do you think he
would have liked me?
Oh, my goodness.
He would have loved you so much.
I mean, I almost
think that the amount
of love he would
have felt for you
would have
exploded the universe.
So it's almost like he couldn't
be here to save mankind.
Humankind.
Isn't "mankind" sexist?
[chuckles] I guess so.
Hold my hand
until I fall asleep?
Hold my hand
until I fall asleep?
Of course.
[music]
Of course.
[typing on laptop]
Is she fully asleep or will she
be back here in two minutes?
She's asleep.
Are you okay?
No.
[voice breaking]
I'm not okay.
I feel like I just
lost my father.
Again.
When he died, 20 years ago, it
was the worst time in my life.
And it's taken me so
many years to finally
believe that he lives on in
me and our girls and our blood.
But no, that's gone.
Everything I thought
was in me from him is gone.
And what's worse, it
was never really there.
[cries, sniffles]
I'm so sorry, Rach.
I just want to
mourn, but I can't.
Because the bat
mitzvah is coming up.
And the family's falling
apart because of me.
Because of what I did.
And every five
minutes, I'm getting
another ding telling
me I have new relatives.
Well, first thing you need to do
is turn off your notifications.
Oh, Marcus.
No, you don't understand.
If my father is not my father,
then who the heck am I?
What's in my DNA?
Maybe...
if I find my
biological father...
Everything will
somehow make sense.
Why I'm so screwed up.
Why I have so much anxiety.
Maybe if I could just talk to
him, I'll somehow make sense.
Marcus, I need to find him.
[music]
[dings]
Whoa.
I remember your
mother's bat mitzvah
like it was yesterday.
We had the whole ganze
meshpuchah there, remember?
Most of them are dead now.
- Well, that's so sad.
- No, it's fine.
Oh, did you tell the
florist about the tulips?
We're going to have tulips
everywhere for Grandpa Jacob.
And what about my dress?
We haven't gotten it yet.
We're running out of time, Mom.
Calm down.
It's at the tailor's.
So we've gotten it, but we
haven't actually gotten it yet.
And, Marcus, I haven't
heard anything from your family.
I want my dress
to be like Sammie's.
I don't like my dress.
If you get a dress
like mine, I'll kill you.
Sammie, watch your mouth.
And I don't know what's
going on with my family.
I'll reach out to them.
Again.
Dad, you need
to wear your barong.
Maybe that would
make your aunts happy.
Why are your aunts upset now?
They're not upset.
They've just never
been to a bar mitzvah.
ALL:Bat--
LENORE: Mitzvah.
Bat, bat, bat...
Whatever.
They're just awkward
around the Judaism stuff.
I've got to make them feel
like they're a part of all this.
Well, you should
definitely wear your barong.
I'll wear one, too, if
that will make them happy.
That's cultural
appropriation, Mom.
Holy shitballs.
You all need to
understand that what
I'm in the midst of
planning will induce migraines,
insomnia, and the unavoidable
panic attack, not
to mention my whole world
and concept of family
was shattered as of recently.
Oh, boy, here we go again.
Okay, let's get
ready for school, girls.
- Hell no.
- No way.
Two yentes.
It's all right.
I'm not in the mood
to fight right now.
And you'll take a valium
before the bat mitzvah.
Your father always
kept some on hand for me.
Since when?
What, you think your
mother was a woman of steel?
Big events always
gave me shpilkes.
They did?
I always thought
you loved all of that.
I don't know. I didn't
air my grievances
to the world like
some people do.
Aunt Sara swears
by her CBD gummies.
[clears throat] Anyway,
I was thinking about Lola.
I told you he was cheating.
No, Lenore, it's "Grandma"
in the Philippines.
That's what we'd have called
my mom if she was still alive.
Oh, may she rest in peace.
A fantastic woman.
I am now "Lola."
Your mother
thought I was cheating.
Don't listen to her.
[phone dings]
All right, girls,
go get ready for school.
Excitement's over.
And the drama's back on.
I have a Muslim half-brother.
Amir Al-Wazir, you were saying?
You should invite
Amir to the bar mitzvah.
Yes, Rabbi Josephine
would love that.
I could have the
whole Arab-Israeli
conflict play out
during the service.
That should be calming.
So, look, Ma, I know
what you're gonna say,
but I've hired a private
detective to find my father.
A biological father.
Are you kidding me?
You have to stop
harping on this.
You're becoming a real
meshuggenah, you know that?
I'm crazy to want to know
the truth of my existence.
Are you putting this
self-help crap in her head?
How am I brought into all this?
I'm meeting with him
first thing this morning.
Isn't this first thing?
Well, I'm going with you.
No way.
He has to hear
my side of the case.
Listen, I've seen every
episode of "Murder, She Wrote."
- I know what to do.
- Mom...
Angela Lansbury was
your father's favorite actress.
I'm coming.
Absolutely not.
No.
[music]
[Lenore clicks tongue]
Oh, the places you take me.
I didn't ask you to come.
Oh, what, I'm gonna
let my daughter go downtown
all alone to
get herself murdered?
- I am a grown woman--
- Mrs. Torres!
Holy shit.
Please, come in.
Really?
I was a Dodger fan when
the Dodgers were in Brooklyn.
[laughs] Girl after
my own heart.
So, how can I help you ladies?
Well, my daughter
is looking for her father.
Although, if you ask
me, I don't know why.
Her father,
my late husband,
may he rest in peace,
was a great father.
He sang to her.
He read to her.
He washed her tuchus.
He was a great father
in every sense of the word
but what's a mother
to do at this point?
Do you have children?
Well, it's actually
my biological
father I'm trying to find.
I found out quite recently that
my father is not my real father.
I was absolutely blindsided.
Oh, were you?
Re-Really?
And what should
I say about that?
Well, you can begin by saying
I'm sorry I ruined your life.
I have nothing to apologize for.
I did what I thought was right.
Oh, yeah?
And what about us?
Okay. Time out.
[nervous laugh] Neutral corners.
Do you have any information
on the donor at all?
LENORE: Yes.
RACHEL: No.
We know that he
was a medical student
at the hospital where
my doctor worked. What?
This is how my brain works.
It's all coming back to me now.
Great, um, anything else
suddenly coming to mind?
No. That's it.
Well, I am confident
that I can help you.
As you know, I am Gerry's go-to
expert on her ancestry show.
And I work with a Dr. Feinstein
in uncovering paternity cases.
Wh--Michael Feinstein?
- He's my OB.
- Yeah. Yeah.
Database upon
database of donors.
A leader in infertility.
Of course.
He helped me when I had
trouble conceiving my girls.
A perfect opportunity,
I may add, for a mother
to tell her daughter
about her own conception woes.
Right. Uh, well,
you know what?
Let's start at the beginning.
Tell me everything
and leave no stone unturned.
[music]
Well, it all began in Brooklyn.
I was in art school.
My husband-to-be
was in dental school.
It was love at first sight.
Well, that went well.
I thought he was very nice.
You didn't let him say one word.
The only thing
I got from all of that
is I need to see
Dr. Feinstein like stat.
And, no, I don't
need a chaperone.
Oh, please.
You think I want
to drive to the velterine
with you in mitten drinnen?
Yes, Mama.
Yes, I do.
Vey schmeer, I've
shrunk two inches.
I used to be your height.
This is what happens
when you get to be my age.
Do I have any good genes?
Like, at all?
Rachel, are you all right?
Oh, Lenore, what
a wonderful surprise.
- Yeah.
- Sorry, Doctor.
I said that my ovary
burst, but it didn't.
My ovaries are fine,
as far as ovaries go.
But I did this DNA test,
and, gosh, I wanted to ask you.
It's so complicated.
If by any chance that...
I used a sperm donor
to conceive my daughters.
New York, a medical
student, late 70s.
- I need to find him.
- Hm.
I did my residency
around that time in Brooklyn.
Oh, my doctor was in Brooklyn.
- Dr. Siegel?
- Morris?
- Yes.
- Morris Siegel.
He's a legend.
He practically invented
artificial insemination.
I worked very closely with him.
In fact, he asked
me to donate a few ti...
- What?
- I only did it one time.
I needed the money.
- What?
- Medical books are expensive.
Dr. Feinstein, are
you Rachel's father?
- Ahh.
LENORE: Oh, wait.
You're Jewish, right?
Can you get any more
Jewish than Feinstein?
Oh, Goldenberg.
Yeah, well, that's...
My donor was
specifically not Jewish.
Northern European,
to be precise.
English, Irish,
French, or German.
Nope, not me.
Whew.
Although, you
do look a little Irish.
I was kind of hoping
you'd say French.
Nope, don't see
any French at all.
You damn sure don't look Jewish.
So I've been told.
But anyway, I hear that you
have databases of donors?
I sure do.
You know, I could
run a search for you.
I'd be like trying
to find a needle
in a haystack, but I could try.
Okay, thank you.
Okay. Wow.
You know, this makes
me want to do a DNA
search of my own,
see if there are any other
little Feinsteins
running around the Earth.
Yeah, I wouldn't suggest it.
It's been known to wreck lives.
Huh.
Oh, uh, Sandra at
the front desk said
there's some trouble with your
medical insurance going through.
You just might want to
consider going on Marcus's.
[music]
It's good to see
you back, Rachel.
Sat nam.
Sat nam.
You told him I was
having a midlife crisis?
What?
Was I wrong?
Maybe. Oh, did I tell you?
Your trusty private eye took my
money and ran off somewhere?
Damn. He's always been
one of my best guests.
Oh, and Dr. Feinstein?
He's been of no use
with all of his databases.
But now, because
of me, he took the DNA test
and found out he has a
son who's a white nationalist.
- Jesus.
- Yeah.
God, my head is spinning.
Like, literally spinning.
I think I have vertigo.
I have to put my
head down somewhere.
Oh, gosh.
Well, before
we call the ambulance,
I think I have just
what the doctor ordered.
Remember that murder
show I wanted for my slate?
[music]
I don't know how Gerry
convinces me to do these things.
At the worst possible time.
Don't worry.
I'm here.
Your mom's here to
help or make things worse.
I'm not sure which.
Well, please make
sure that Sammie
practices her Torah portion
and memorizes the prayers.
And don't let my mother
give Amanda too much sugar.
She'll be up all night.
She also needs
a bath and make sure
she brushes her
teeth and flosses.
She never flosses.
And the dentist
always gets so mad at me.
Okay, okay, okay.
I got it.
I'm sorry. I just...
I miss the girls so much.
You've been gone
for less than two hours.
You ever think that's why
you're not working so much?
Maybe your priorities
have shifted a little bit?
Let me be Daddy, okay?
And, uh, you go
be actress person.
It's in your DNA.
Tell Mom to work on her speech.
[groans]
I love her.
And you so much.
[phone rings] Oh.
Oh, it... it-it's Bobby.
Let me take this, okay?
I love you.
I'll talk to you later.
Hey, bro.
Oh, you don't...
You don't look very good.
Murder victim, what's up?
Well, oh, I...
I have really big news.
I found bio dad.
What?
His actual son just
joined RapidDNA.
And he said that
his dad was a med student
in New York in the 70s.
And he knew his
dad donated sperm.
He was looking to see
if he had any siblings.
That is amazing.
Bio dad's name is
Dr. William James Morgan.
Born Plymouth, England.
He's British?
We're British?
He's got a lot of children.
Multiple marriages.
You can see them all.
We're the United States
of Benetton over here.
Hey, Rachel.
Five-minute warning.
Oh, I gotta get strangled now.
Okay. Oh, but also,
I'm coming to L.A. tonight.
Bio dad's son lives there.
He wants to meet up
and tell me everything.
So I booked a tattoo.
Why?
Yeah, he's kind
of a tattoo artist.
And I don't know
what I was thinking.
I got caught up in the moment.
But do you think
you can come with me?
I'll pick you up first thing.
Okay. And when
is that exactly?
I have no idea.
Um, 9 a.m.?
Just text me your hotel info.
Okay.
Remember when I did
that movie in the U.K.?
I felt like I suddenly fit in.
Like, these are my people.
Can we move there?
I hate L.A.
I mean, maybe it'll be
like that with bio dad.
Like an instant connection.
Maybe he has your curls.
No, I get those from my mom.
She straightens her hair.
Maybe your blue eyes?
No, I think I get
those from her mother,
although I've never
actually met her.
What about Grandpa Jacob?
What are you doing up?
- Lola's snoring.
- Oh.
Yeah, Mom, what
about Grandpa Jacob?
What about him?
Are you gonna, like,
love Grandpa Jacob
less when you
meet the squirm guy?
What?
No way.
Go back to bed.
I love you.
I think Grandma's
secretly worried about that.
Nothing could ever
take away my love
or connection
to Grandpa Jacob.
Then why do you care so
much about meeting the new dude?
I honestly don't know.
But I'm hoping it'll
make me a better person.
A better mom.
You're the best mom already.
And you know, if
this is about the whole
speech, I'm sure Grandma
would be happy to speak for you.
No, don't even joke about that.
Sammie, you
know I want to, right?
[music]
- But...
- But?
[Sammie sighs]
[music]
[engine stops]
Oh, please, don't
start with this mishegas.
This meeting is
pretty monumental.
Stop it.
The two of you were
just some sperm
from the same man in a cup.
Makes me sick to
even think about it.
Semen. Yech.
LENORE: Jesus. Is this him?
RACHEL: Yep.
Hellooo.
RACHEL: Hi.
You must be the
son I never wanted.
Be nice.
I'm kidding.
Hop in.
[music]
[starts engine]
So, do you have a girlfriend?
Or a boyfriend?
My daughter Sara is a lesbian.
I love the gays.
Your sister's not answering
my calls for some reason.
I'm not gay, but I don't
have a girlfriend.
Hopefully one day.
Well, every pot
has its cover. [chuckles]
Rachel's father, my late
husband, may he rest in peace,
he was the love of my life.
Still is.
Not a day goes
by I don't miss him.
Did she tell you
she was an actress?
Maybe once or twice.
I could never do what she does.
Me? I'm-I'm shy.
I'm not sure I can
agree with that description.
Well, put a camera
in front of me
I'm like Jackie Gleason.
Hommina, hommina.
But you, you're in
front of a camera.
You light up.
That's why I turned down that
teaching job at the university.
You do what you have to do.
Hey, what teaching job?
I don't dwell on the past.
You only dwell on the past.
Listen, I loved going
into the city with you.
The ups, the downs.
I'll never regret it.
Not for a minute.
You and I, we were a great team.
[music]
Hi, excuse me,
is this...
- Rachel?
- Yeah?
Hi, baby sister.
[laughs]
- Oh, oh.
- Ahh.
And brother.
[Bobby laughs]
I'm not gonna pick
you up, but I'll take a hug.
Hello, I'm Lenore,
also known as Lola.
I have no idea what I am to you,
but this place is fantastic.
I want to see inside.
Show me around, won't you?
Thank you.
Oh, my.
Oh, look at this.
This is Quiet Jimmy.
Don't make eye contact.
[door closes]
And this is my sister,
our sister, Denise.
- Denise.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- It's Rachel and Bobby.
DENISE: Sorry.
Playing a word game
in a very heated match.
I love word games.
You can thank
our dad for that.
He was a man of many words.
He used to tell us
a lot of bedtime stories.
Last one he told us, I was six.
Javi was too young to remember
him, but that's when he left us.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, he loved the ladies.
He loved the bottle even more.
Javi will tell you more.
I gotta get to class.
I'm getting my
master's in nursing.
Mi hermano.
You ready to do this?
I am not ready to do this.
Oh, tateleh.
You'll be fine.
If I can do natural
childbirth with two children,
you can handle
one stinkin' needle.
[buzzing]
You did all these?
Oh, amazing.
I'm an artist, too.
We have to keep at it, don't we?
I'll tell you what...
If you lived in Long Island,
I would ask
you to join my art class.
Eleanor and the
girls would love you.
QUIET JIMMY: Hmm.
Sweetheart, what do you think?
Let's get a couple of tattoos.
Matching hearts?
What? No.
Look what I have
to deal with here.
What about us not being
buried in a Jewish cemetery?
Oh, I think they've
changed those rules.
Everybody's getting
tattoos nowadays.
My dad's Jewish.
What?
Yeah, he converted
for his third wife.
You don't look Jewish.
You look Irish.
Does this make me Jewish?
No.
So, does he live here?
In Los Angeles?
Well, he used to live here.
What do you mean?
Where is he now?
There's something
I gotta show you guys.
But we gotta drive there.
[music]
Denise read
about it in the paper.
He died three weeks ago.
We just missed him.
Yeah.
It's crazy.
That's why I wanted
you to see it in person.
If you ask me,
it seems meant to be.
[sighs] I know meeting
him meant a lot to you both,
but to be honest,
he wasn't a good guy.
When he left my
mom, he told his new
wife that Denise
and I were dead.
I don't remember
ever being with him.
He cared more about
his new life and his
successful career
than being a father to us.
But the one thing he
did teach me was that...
just because you're related
doesn't make you family.
Denise and I created our own.
[music]
Whoa, that's so cool.
Yeah, it was no biggie.
- I want a tattoo.
- I'll give you one.
- Where are the Sharpies?
Come on.
Oh, Bobby, you should
stay for the bat mitzvah.
Rachel, you'll
put him at my table.
Also, I've invited
Javi and Denise.
Wonderful people.
Have you heard from your sister?
She's not returning my calls.
No, you were right.
I ruined her life
just like I ruined mine.
You didn't ruin anything.
I wish everybody
would stop making
such a big deal out of this.
If you ask me, the
whole thing's kind of cool.
But you didn't ask me,
so... I'll... just...
Rachel, you really
just have to let this go.
I can't.
I can't just let this go.
I don't think it's
cool, and I don't need
more family, and I don't care
if I have an elevated
risk of celiac disease.
We don't, by the way.
I just...
I want things to go
back to the way things were,
when I had one father--
a wonderful man
who I loved and
loved me and lived on
in the girls, but no,
I have this other guy
who I don't even
know but may have
given me some knowledge
of who I am, and he's dead!
I just lost my
one chance of fixing
all that's broken in me, and
now I have absolutely nothing!
You have nothing?
What about your mother?
[music]
Rachel?
[voice breaking]
What about me?
Well...
then I don't know
what I'm doing here.
I'm leaving.
[Lenore grunts]
Mom!
[Lenore groans]
Mom!
Call 9-1-1!
SAMMIE: Grandma!
AMANDA: Lola!
[music]
It's okay...
[music]
[scribbling]
Thank you so much.
[music]
She's gonna be okay.
Oh, thank God.
Look, they're gonna
have to keep her here
a few days because
she's very weak,
but she's gonna be fine.
Oh, God, I was so stupid.
I shouldn't have yelled at her.
I pushed this thing way too far.
I mean, gosh,
she kept telling me
about the cardiologist
who was handsome
and thought she was
young, but, you know,
she kept saying
it, but I thought
she was just being Lenore.
I didn't think that there was
anything serious with her heart.
Wait, wait, wait.
This wasn't her heart.
- What?
- No.
She had a severe anaphylactic
reaction to the ink.
What ink?
You got a tattoo?
Are you kidding me right now?
Oh, stop it.
It's fine.
It's not fine, Mom.
You almost died.
Do you have any idea
what you put us through?
Maidela, come here.
Shayna.
Give me your hanteleh.
- Sweetheart.
- Mom, I am...
I know you don't
have to say anything.
I know.
I am so sorry.
Me too, shayna maidela.
Me too.
It's okay.
[music]
Ow, Sammie!
I have nerve endings.
A wise woman
once told me...
BOTH: It hurts to be beautiful.
That's not very
empowering, Mama.
And you wonder
why I have problems.
You don't need to pass
everything of yours to us.
Well, speaking of
passing things down...
Grandpa Jacob gave this
to me on my bat mitzvah day.
And now I want you to have it.
[music]
You're going to
be amazing today.
So will you, Mama.
- Let's go.
- Yeah.
Ohhh, I have the most
handsome husband.
I have the most beautiful wife.
Ohh, look how beautiful.
All of you.
Oh, my son, the doctor.
Now, if only you were Jewish.
Oh, what did I say?
Your sister's going
to be here any minute.
Okay.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
Depends how you define "okay."
Did you take
the flower essences?
Yes.
Although we both
know it's horseshit.
All right, come on.
We got to go.
We're going to be late.
We're literally walking outside.
[indistinct chatter]
RACHEL: Because of Mom's
illness, we had to put
the bat mitzvah off
until she was better.
We lost the reception hall,
the florist, the caterer,
even the synagogue.
But we came
together as a family,
both new and old,
to create our own thing,
which may have been better.
But there was still one
task yet to be completed...
The speech.
I'm performing
one of my originals.
Uh-huh.
Not the one about
your vagina, I hope?
We call it a yoni, Ma.
Yoni? Isn't that that
New Age music guy?
Lenore?
Lawrence.
Lawrence from yoga.
You remembered.
Well, how would I forget?
These are for you.
Well, thank you.
How is your sciatica?
Have you been doing the
hip openers I suggested?
Holy shit, your root chakra, Ma.
Say yes. Say yes.
Yes, Lawrence.
Your hip openers have
definitely opened my hips.
And you can call me...
Lola.
Hello, Lola.
[laughs]
You're never gonna believe this.
Oh, no, what now?
SARA: Look.
Isn't this amazing?
See, this is why you
have to go with the flow.
I mean, Mom and Dad totally went
against the flow to have us.
It's all about
the energy of love.
You know?
MAN: Sara!
- Hey!
- Hey!
- That's my bio dad!
Isn't he iconic?
No wonder he went by
User Number 6B or whatever.
He's one of the world's
most famous guitarists.
Checks out, right?
We have the best fucking family!
[laughter]
[music playing]
- Hello.
- Amir Al Wazir.
I'm Rachel's brother.
Oh, okay.
Come on in. Welcome.
Hi. Good afternoon.
Welcome.
JAVI: Tita Christina.
Heard so much about you.
[indistinct chatter]
This seat's open.
So I hear you have
a tattoo somewhere.
There you are.
- You okay?
- Mm-hm.
If you could all
please take your seats.
We're ready to begin.
[Sammie chanting in Hebrew]
[music]
[Sammie chanting in Hebrew]
We have asked
Tita Angela and Tita Christina
to join us for
the blessing of family.
And now, it is time for
the bat mitzvah girl
to give her speech.
Sammie.
Today, I am a woman.
[chuckling]
Private joke with my
mom, but seriously, I wanted
to thank you all for
coming and for changing
all your travel
plans last minute.
It means so much to me.
But there are a few people who
I would like to thank the most.
Amanda, even though
we fight constantly,
you know I love
you and you're the best
sister in the
whole wide world.
Just please try not
to be so annoying.
[laughter]
Dad, thank you for
being the best dad ever
and for teaching me
about our Filipino culture.
And for making me the
proud Lakers fan I am today.
[laughs] Mamba forever.
Mom, today wouldn't
have happened without you.
You've encouraged
me to become a strong
Jewish woman and
I'm so grateful for you.
You always know
what's best for me
and what'll make me happy even
though I don't want to admit it.
I just want to say, I love you.
No matter what.
RABBI: Thank you, Sammie.
And now, I would like to
invite Rachel to the bimah
to give her
blessing to Sammie.
[music]
Sammie, I...
[clears throat]
S...
[heartbeats]
(whispering)
Sammie, I...
[panting]
[whimpering]
[music]
LENORE: Breathe.
Hello.
Hi.
[music]
[clears throat]
[laughs softly]
Sammie...
You asked me to make a
speech for you today, but I...
I didn't think I could.
I didn't think I'd be able
to find the right words...
...until now.
I guess sometimes
the thing you've been
looking for has
been with you all along.
Sammie, today you are a woman.
And in becoming a woman,
you have to know
where you came from.
And what you come from,
Sammie, is pure love.
You come from my
father, Grandpa Jacob,
who loved his family
more than anything.
You come from me.
And your amazing dad...
who try every day to be the
best parents for you and Amanda.
And you come from your grandma.
I... I mean Lola.
Lenore.
She made sacrifices for
me that I never realized.
And has been by my
side every step of the way.
I wouldn't be me without her.
And she taught me what love is.
Love doesn't care about DNA.
Love makes its own family.
Love accepts
us for who we are.
For what we are.
With all our mishigas.
No matter how badly we messed
up or were just plain wrong.
[music]
Sammie, when you have
love, you have everything.
And I love you so much.
And with that,
I hope you will join me
in wishing Sammie a
lifetime of love and happiness.
L'chaim!
ALL: L'chaim!
[music]
You'll see.
[laughing]
I hope those tattoos
are fake. I...
[music playing]
I'll be right back.
[music]
Hey, bro.
Hey.
Wow.
This is an awesome party.
Yeah, well, the
party just started.
Don't give it a kinehora.
[Rachel laughs]
I just want you to know
that I'm happy you're here.
Me too.
[clears throat]
Um, I know this
might sound kind of weird,
but if all
this hadn't happened,
I never would
have met you guys.
So I'm kind of happy it did.
[Rachel laughs]
You know you're
stuck with us now, right?
Even if it's just DNA.
["Hava Nagila" playing]
And this is the best part.
Come.
[cheers]
I love you, Mamala.
I love you more!
[Rachel screams]
[music]
SARA ON MIC: All right, y'all.
[taps microphone]
Ladies and gentlemen
and those in between,
I would like you to direct
your attention
and energy to Sammie.
As she enters this new
paradigm of womanhood.
Today, we honor
the Divine Mother.
We honor the vulva.
- [laughter]
- We honor the womb.
We honor the yoni.
Head up.
That's my bio dad.
My yoni, you bleed
My yoni, you ache
My yoni, you give life
Creator of the world
When I was born
You pushed me out
Into this world
How can you be so mean?
But then I saw
She gets this
from her mother.
You've been with me
Through everything
You're inside of me
And when the night is cold
And when I feel alone
I know that you are there
You are guiding me
My yoni, you bleed
My yoni, you ache
- Yes. Exactly.
My yoni, you give a life
Creator of the world
My yoni, you bleed
My yoni, you ache
My yoni, you give life
Creator of the world
My yoni, you bleed
My yoni, you ache
My yoni, you give life
The source of it all
[music]
[thunder]
[music]
[laughter]
[music]
[music]
RACHEL: A bat mitzvah
is the single most
important day
of a Jewish girl's life.
It's the day she
becomes a woman
in front of her
entire family...
And all of her friends.
- Dork.
- [giggling]
RACHEL: This was
my bat mitzvah.
[chanting in Hebrew]
And this is my sister Sara.
She marches to her own beat.
What that beat is,
we're still unclear.
And this is my mother Lenore.
And let's be honest,
this was really her day.
And this is my dad,
doing what he did best...
Loving me.
I was a shy kid, so
this was all kind of tough.
I had to read from the Torah
and chant lots of prayers.
But then I had
to make a speech.
In my own words.
This was the moment I dreaded.
[heartbeats]
I thought I was
actually going to die.
My heart started racing,
the room started spinning.
[giggling]
But what happened next,
may have been worse than death.
[music]
GIRL (whispering):
What is she doing?
Today, I am a woman.
What does it mean
to be a woman, I ask myself?
Rachel, darling, what is this?
We all know that...
the day you become a woman
is the day you
first menstruate?
Red Letter Day,
we used to call it.
The day I got my first period.
My mother slapped
me across the face
because that's what
they did back then.
Remember the day
you got your first period?
Who will forget that day?
RACHEL: My family spoke
about this moment
of utter humiliation
for years to come.
That innocent shyness
snowballed into severe
anxiety and a lifelong
fear of public speaking.
So, I'm now a
mom and my daughter
Sammie's bat
mitzvah is coming up.
And besides planning
this monster of an event,
which at this
point may have me
institutionalized,
I must do the unthinkable.
Make a speech.
But I am determined
to give Sammie
the perfect day
that I didn't have.
One that no mothers,
meaning me
in this case,
could possibly ruin.
[music]
But you know that old
Yiddish saying...
"Man plans and God laughs"?
There's a reason
those old adages hold true.
Today I am an old woman.
[footsteps]
What?
Oh, um, I was just, I...
Happy birthday, baby.
RACHEL: Oh, and it
was also my 40th birthday.
Oh, no.
What's wrong?
I--the speech.
I--I--I can't do it.
I can't do it.
Listen, why don't
you just forget about that
today and let
us celebrate you.
I'm trying to forget
about my birthday.
All this attention's
giving me anxiety.
Are you taking
the ashwagandha?
Are you insane?
Have you at least
opened up your relaxation app?
The only app I open
is for my word games.
Which only gives
you more anxiety.
I love you.
And I love your anxiety.
And I love that
you're the only actress
in the world who hates
being the center of attention.
[record scratch]
RACHEL:Maybe
I should back up a bit.
Despite my absolute fear
of public speaking,
I'm also an actress.
So because I was always
told I don't look Jewish,
I had to
change my last name
and develop a completely
different actor persona.
Hi, my name is Rachel Dawn, and
I'm from Long Island, New York.
INTERVIEWER: Great.
Ready to try one?
Remember, we need
a lot of energy.
I feel the light
of Christ inside me.
And here's a
lovely birthday gift.
The union kicked me
off the health insurance.
Said I didn't earn enough.
Aren't the struggling,
unemployed actors the ones
who are actually in
need of the insurance?
Well, thankfully,
we're not struggling.
And you can be on
my insurance for once,
which kind of makes
you my dependent.
That actually makes
it worse, because my dad
hardwired me
to be independent.
I wonder what he'd be
saying to me right now.
Probably that all my
supplements are horseshit.
Besides that, I mean about
the whole bat mitzvah thing.
He always knew
the perfect words
to make all my fear
and anxiety disappear.
He'd say, "This too shall pass."
Oh, no.
That just reminded me
my mother's coming soon.
- How did that remind you--
- Oh, my God, the girls.
Are they awake?
We have to leave
in like ten minutes.
Yes, they are awake,
dressed, and may have
something waiting
for you in the kitchen.
- So, meet me downstairs.
- Okay.
[music]
[sighs] Oh, gosh.
Daddy, I need you.
[music]
Happy birthday, Mom!
Aw, thank you, my loves.
Come here.
Oh, I love you guys so much.
I made you a birthday parfait.
Why did you do
that without me?
Daddy.
Sammie, stop.
Dad, what the hell?
Is this cheese?
For decoration.
SAMMIE: Gross.
- Mom?
- Yeah?
Do I have to do my
bat mitzvah lesson today?
Yes.
Amanda, this is amazing.
But today's a
special occasion.
So is your bat mitzvah.
But--I just have
a lot of homework, Mom.
Maybe we should just
cancel the whole thing.
No DJs, no ballrooms.
I don't know, Marcus,
what do you think?
Religion's your thing.
I'm staying out of it.
My love, a bat mitzvah
is more than just a party.
You're gonna
become a Jewish woman.
Our Judaism is the
one constant in our life.
I know all this studying
is a lot, but it's one
of those things you're
gonna be so grateful you did.
Oh, just like
you're so grateful?
Well, my bat mitzvah
was a total disaster,
but I promise you, yours will
be a completely different thing.
Well, Mother, since
I'm putting so much
time and effort into
my Hebrew studies,
I'm hoping you're doing the same
with, say, writing your speech?
- Oh, no.
- Sammie, please, not now.
Mom, you're an actress,
for Christ's sake.
You're gonna ruin
the whole day if you don't.
Sammie.
Sammie, I love you,
but you know
you're asking
the impossible, right?
Sammie, she can't,
but I can.
You're not even Jewish.
All right, girls,
come on, let's go.
Uh, Rach, speaking
of that, I hate
to bring it up,
but at some point we gotta
talk about my relatives
in all this. [phone dings]
And, girls, you
guys ready for school?
AMANDA: No.
MARCUS: Let's give Mom
a break and I can drive you.
SAMMIE: No.
Huh?
No, Mama.
[Rachel chuckles]
What's wrong with Daddy?
Wow. Be that way.
I'll pick you up for dinner.
Hey, I wanna go
to dinner with you guys.
Me too, I wanna go.
I love your soft,
floppy arm skin.
It's like Grandma's.
Hmm, thank you, but, no,
you're not coming to dinner.
Let's go.
[school bell rings]
[phone rings]
Hi, Mamala.
Wait, wait... one, two,
a-one-two-three...
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear Rachel
Happy birthday to you
Thank you, Mamala, thank you.
That's Bernie and
Zelda from the temple.
BERNIE AND ZELDA:
Happy birthday, Rachel.
We wanted to be the first
to wish you a happy birthday.
You're not exactly
the first, but...
Zelda, you can go now, honey.
Bernie's colitis
is acting up again.
Lovely.
So what do you mean
we're not the first ones?
What time is it there?
Listen, you could have
at least said hello to them.
The girls are
already at school.
We just finished breakfast.
You know I don't sleep at night.
I couldn't sleep either.
What now?
What's going on?
Pre-event anxiety.
I don't know how you
come up with all this mishigas.
Hopefully that
husband of yours
is planning something
special for you tonight.
Yes, he is, Mamala.
We're going out
to dinner with Gerry
and her new flavor
of the month, Pablo.
Give her my love
and tell her I want the name
of that medium
that was on her show.
Honestly, I can't add
one more thing to my brain.
My head is about to explode.
Marcus suddenly
wants to talk
about his family
at the bat mitzvah.
Apparently, they're
all freaking out
about going
to a Jewish service.
This is why, and I
know I'm not supposed
to say this, it's important
to marry within your religion.
Oy, Ma! Don't start.
I'm not starting,
but I'm just saying.
This bat mitzvah is between you
and your daughter
and your father.
The only thing
getting me through
all this insanity
is my connection to him.
Well, I wish I was
there to toast you tonight.
Well, you know,
that wish could be a reality
if you would just
sell the house and move here.
You know, be
a normal grandmother.
You know I don't like to
be called that name, right?
Okay, I'll call you later.
I have to start packing.
You're coming in like a week.
It takes me time.
I have to get out
all my summerclothes,
lay everything out on the bed.
It's freezing here.
Then I have to go through
security with my titanium hip.
[sighs] You're not
even listening to me.
And take my shoes
off at my age, oy.
You have pre-check.
Oh, yeah.
Okay, Mamala, I love you.
[kisses] Love you more.
Why do you always
have to say that?
Everyone always
says that and it...
[call ends]
[music]
I swear, my productions
would all go up in flames
if I wasn't there
to put out every fire.
Oh, damn.
Now I want a fireman.
- Rachel, happy birthday.
- Thank you.
I see your practice
is deepening.
Thank you, Lawrence.
- I've been really--
- How's your mother doing?
She'll be in town for
the big event, I presume.
Oh, yes, she will.
Tell her Lawrence
from yoga sends his best.
She truly is a remarkable woman.
That she is.
I think Lawrence wants my mom.
Can you blame him?
Lenore's a babe.
[scoffs] Yeah, five minutes
with her and he'll give
up his yoga practice
for crystal meth.
Oh, your mom's the best.
So, tell me, birthday
girl, how do you feel?
Forty and fabulous?
- More like old and obsolete.
- Oh, stop it.
Forty is when you finally
start to know yourself...
when you start
to know your body.
Yeah, I know that
my belly skin flops
over my face
when I'm in down dog.
You're body dysmorphic.
I'm talking about sex.
You're always talking about sex.
Can we talk about
something fun,
like me ruining my
daughter's bat mitzvah?
Oh, I almost forgot.
- Did you get your results?
- What results?
The DNA test we took.
Mine came back this morning.
I think I'm a royal.
I don't know how you convinced
me to do these
ridiculous things.
Rachel, you gotta check it.
It tells you everything...
Your genetic
makeup, your health risks,
which I have
none, by the way.
It connects you with
cousins all over the world.
I don't need some website
to tell me I'm a neurotic Jew.
With more than enough
family to drive me insane.
Have you seen my seating chart?
It's like a
medieval battle plan.
[music]
Ugh, Gerry.
[music]
APP: [ding]
You have new relatives.
What?
Grandfather?
[beeps]
Hi, Bobby.
[sends message]
Ridiculous.
Ay...
[Sammie chanting in Hebrew]
[Rachel chanting in Hebrew]
- Mm-hm.
[Sammie continues chanting]
[phone rings]
Hey, Ma.
What's up?
I'm just cooking
dinner for the girls.
I forgot to tell you,
when you're doing
the seating
arrangement, Aunt Martha
can't sit next to Uncle Arthur.
They're still not speaking.
Because of the dog.
You know, it may be
easier if you send me
a color-coded chart
of who's not speaking
to whom, about
what, coupled with a list
of things I should
or shouldn't say,
highlighted with specific
times of the evening.
I'm just trying to help.
I can assure you,
you're not helping.
I don't want you to
go to dinner tonight.
Oh, honey.
Mama's on the verge
of a nervous breakdown,
incited by your grandmother.
Ach, Grandmother.
[phone rings]
Ma, I think it's
the caterers, um...
Let me just call
you tomorrow. I love you.
LENORE: Love you more.
- [groans]
[beeps]
Hello?
-Rachel?
- Yeah.
I mean, who's calling?
Rachel. This is Bobby,
your grandfather.
- How'd you get my number?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
It was in your profile,
and I got it from there.
Are you there?
Hello?
Look, um, this
really isn't a good time.
Okay. I just thought
that you wanted
to connect because
the DNA test said that...
You know, I just
thought that it was insane
that they were saying
you were my grandfather
and you're exactly my age.
I mean, at least as of
today, you are, but...
Wow. Well, so
it's your birthday.
Well, happy birthday.
That's really crazy.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm well aware of the irony, but
look, um, I'm sure I spit wrong.
Oh, yeah.
You know, into the
tube, um, there was alcohol
in my saliva,
and I'm sure it just kinda
messed things
up a bit, and so it...
I'm sure the
whole thing is wrong,
so I don't even
know why I called.
Or you called, or someone
called someone, but...
- You called. I called...
- Okay, goodbye.
Okay.
[music]
[sets phone down]
Another telemarketer?
No, it was...
I don't even fucking know.
SAMMIE: Mom?
I'm done with my Hebrew lesson?
Hello, Rachel.
Hi, Rabbi Josephine.
I... I was just
practicing lines.
New role.
No, you weren't.
You said that the
business was misogynist,
and ageist, and no
one wants you anymore.
Amanda? Gosh.
I... I don't know where she
comes up with these things.
Well, Rachel,
I'm glad to know
that you're still
comfortable on stage.
The mother's speech
has come to be what
I look forward to
most in the service.
You become a
voice for all mothers.
No pressure.
Yeah. Yeah.
[clears throat]
I... I... I can't wait to
be that... that voice.
[laughs] And then Sammie,
who was three
at the time, she
says, "Oh, no, Mrs. Walters,
my daddy uses that
word all the time."
Tell them the
other preschool story.
What other preschool story?
You know, when you
had to give a speech
at the PTA meeting...
she almost passed out.
I'm really glad
my incapacitating
phobia gives you such joy.
It was so good.
Didn't you say
she was an actress?
Is an actress... is.
You know, according
to the drug ads,
I suffer moderate
to severe anxiety,
Pablo, but no,
I'm not an actress.
- I quit.
MARCUS & GERRY: Again?
Mm-hmm.
Mm.
Another.
Maybe I should
go into social work.
You have social
anxiety and hate people.
- Mm.
- She has some anxiety.
It's really not that bad.
And thanks to
your brilliant DNA test,
I found out I have a grandfather
who happens to be my age.
MARCUS & GERRY: What?
Is that a thing?
No, that's not a thing.
What DNA test?
One of my talk shows gave
us a bunch of RapidDNA tests.
Rachel and I took
them over mimosas.
Oh, you can call
me Queen, by the way.
- Ay, mi reina.
- [laughs]
But wait a minute.
These companies only estimate
relationships by the
percentage of DNA shared.
So this guy
could either be your
grandfather or
your half-brother.
ALL: What?
But what do I know?
I'm just a doctor.
And I saw a
murder show about it.
You know what? I need
a murder show on my slate.
Wait.
You're saying
I have a half-brother?
Or a grandfather.
Okay, there are no
grandfathers involved.
It can be wrong.
Mm...DNA doesn't lie.
Who are you, Maury Povich?
Who?
Maybe you did the test wrong.
You're the one who
did it for me, Queen.
It also says that
I'm only half-Jewish.
That's impossible.
- You're like super-Jew.
- I know.
I should be documenting this.
Do I need to be jealous
of this Maury Povich?
This whole thing is a mistake.
I'm sure of it.
[humming]
Sara...
Sara.
Oh, hey, birthday girl.
My birthday was yesterday.
The sun is in your
sign and I celebrate you.
Come here, my sister.
Gosh, I remember
the moment you were born.
I swear, I felt
the cosmic shift.
That's impossible.
I'm older than you.
You smell like
a skunk, by the way.
[giggles] New dispensary
next door. Shh...
Do you have anything
for a hangover?
I'm not feeling very well.
Alcohol is blocking
your meridians.
This one cleanses the liver.
Mm-mm.
You didn't come
to my show last night.
Oh, no.
I completely forgot.
Oh, I know.
Your acting is way more
important than my music, so...
- Are you serious?
- I'm serious.
Why do you always do that?
Hello, Sara.
Oh, hi, Rachel.
- Hi, Lawrence.
- Namaste, guru.
Wait, wow do you
two know each other?
Um, Sara, this is
the yoga teacher
I told you about.
You know, with Mom.
- What yoga teacher?
- Oh, my God.
Are you sisters?
Yeah.
Of course you are.
I see Lenore's
radiance in both of you.
What a remarkable woman.
Okay.
Lawrence from yoga
totally has a crush on Mom.
That would be so great for her.
With all her hip problems, it's
all coming from her root chakra.
You know, that
could totally open
her up energetically
and physically.
You know what I'm saying?
No. No. I have no idea
what you're saying.
But, um, but look,
um, I did this DNA test
with Gerry, and it says
I'm only half Jewish
and that I have a half brother.
What? That is really great.
I'm so excited for you.
How is that at all great?
It's really messed up.
Oh, you know,
I don't believe in DNA.
But whatever it
is, you will always
be a part of my
spiritual family.
What is that supposed to mean?
And, alright, DNA
is not something you
could choose whether
or not to believe in.
It's not like some hip trend
like juicing, for instance.
Wow. This DNA thing
clearly triggers you.
Yes, Sara.
I'm very, very triggered.
It's a lot of
negative energy, okay?
Listen, if you want,
I will take the test, too,
and we can embark on
this mystical quest together.
Really?
Okay.
Except for, can
you send me the test?
Because you know that I don't
subscribe to the concept
of financial transactions,
but my landlord does.
And my manager has been cutting
my hours for some reason.
RACHEL: Sure.
- Oh, my God.
This is going to be so great.
It's going to be like
a real-life episode
of Jerry Springer.
[music]
[music pauses]
[music restarts]
[phone rings]
Hello, darling.
I didn't think you'd
be up this early.
Mom, it's noon here.
I don't live in Hawaii.
You know this time
difference still gets me.
Has it always been three hours?
I feel like it keeps changing.
Okay, Mom.
- Look. Something came up.
What? It's not cancer, is it?
You know, I can't take that.
No, Mom.
I don't have cancer.
Okay, fine. What?
Okay.
- Mom?
- [computer beeps]
Did Daddy cheat on you?
- What?
- Okay, yes.
That was a stupid
question because you probably
wouldn't know
if he was cheating on you.
Wait a second.
It could have been you
who was cheating on him.
Yes. Of course.
It was the sexual revolution.
Gloria Steinem.
Women's lib.
Burning bras.
I don't know what
you're talking about,
but if you ask me, just shave
your armpits and your legs.
Makes you feel more clean.
No, Mom. Okay.
I have a half-brother, I think,
who lives in Long Island.
Did your sister give you one
of her brownies? Huh?
They've been helping
me a lot with my hip pain.
No.
According to
the stupid DNA test,
I have a half-brother,
Bobby, who lives
in Long Island,
and he's exactly my age.
- Paper or plastic?
- What?
Paper or plastic bags?
Crap, I left my bags in the car.
Yeah, that happens
to me all the time.
You have to remember to take the
bags and put them in the trunk.
They are in my trunk, which
is why they're not in here.
Paper's fine.
- So, Mom...
- Double bag or single?
Holy hell, just give me that.
I have no idea what
you're talking about.
Half-brothers and DNA.
Why in the world would
you take this fakakta test?
You know, when you
go looking for dred...
I wasn't looking.
I was drinking with Gerry.
Shit, now I think I have
a drinking problem.
No one cheated on anyone.
Okay? And that test is wrong.
You know, this is
very upsetting to me.
My heart is not
all that good, you know.
What's wrong with
your heart all of a sudden?
Nothing, yet.
But I'm seeing a cardiologist.
Very good-looking man.
He thought I was
in my 50s when we met.
Don't forget my cottage cheese.
That's all I want.
I like to diet
when I'm with you.
I can stand to
lose a few pounds.
Okay, Mamala, I love you.
I love you more.
[call ends]
[sighs]
[indistinct chatter]
[indistinct chatter]
[phone rings]
- Hello?
- [slurping] Mm.
Hey, I'm... wow.
What?
You look so familiar.
Oh, um, yeah.
I'm an actress.
No, did you go to Emerson High?
Oh, um, yes, I did, but, um...
I think we
met at some point.
Yeah, maybe. Well, look...
I don't know how
any of this happened.
I just know that my
father never cheated
on my mother and my mother
never cheated on my father.
Hm. Well, my mother never
cheated on my father
and my father never
cheated on my mother.
When my father was alive,
he was an insanely good man.
Like, basically, everything
good in me is from him.
And he's my literal twin.
We have the same face
and intellect and knees.
I mean, I always
hated my fat knees and then,
one day, I saw
a picture of him
and me walking
on the beach of Cape Cod
and I realized
we had the same exact knees
and then
suddenly I was okay
with them because
they were his.
They were like a
fat family heirloom.
My knees, that is.
Well, wow.
I'm sorry about your
father and your knees, I guess.
My parents died a long time ago.
I guess you could
call me an orphan.
You kind of have
my sister's eyes.
We have a sister!
I mean, you.
You have a sister.
Yeah.
Her name is Sara.
She's a musician.
I am an only child
and I always wanted a sister.
Well, I never wanted a brother.
I was kind of happy with the
way things are... were... are.
Well, look, miss
I-never-wanted-a-brother,
you reached out to me.
So, my test came
back exactly as I expected.
Half Northern European,
half Southern European.
Everything was
fine until you came
and shook it up, my
elderly granddaughter.
Your what?
I know I may
be too old for this
shitty business,
but I'm only 40.
Only 40.
Well, in dog years, you'd
been dead a long time ago.
[laughs]
I always wanted a dog.
But I could never get
one because of my aller--
- Allergies?
- Geez.
You want to do another test?
Different company?
Just to confirm?
- I guess so.
- All right.
I'm going to start
researching ASAP.
This is, uh...
this is pretty cool.
[music]
[ends call]
Tita Christina, of course we
want you at the bat mitzvah.
What? No! We want
all of Marcus' family.
[sighs] You'll be fine.
I promise.
You just have to
sit there and watch.
Like a show...
In Hebrew.
And then you get to eat a lot.
Just not pork.
I know how much you
and Marcus love your lechon.
[phone dings]
COMPUTER: You have
new relatives.
You have new relatives.
- Fuck me.
- You have new relatives.
- No, no, not you.
- You have new relatives.
Tita, no. Um, please,
let me call you back.
Oh, God...
[beeps]
[sets phone on counter]
[phone rings]
- Bobby?
- Rachel, it's Bobby.
Yeah, I know.
I just said that.
- Are you seeing these?
- What now?
Tons of alerts.
Tons of cousins.
Are you lactose intolerant?
Because apparently I am.
Yeah, I'm getting them and
I'm not checking any of them.
Look, I have a lot
going on right now.
The relatives are flying
in for the bat mitzvah.
- Bat Mitzvah?
- Yeah, I'm Jewish.
Well, at least
I think I am,
even though I'm always
told I don't look it.
Uh, what are we
talking about here?
Nothing, nothing.
Uh, look, I gotta go right now.
Yes, of course.
I gotta go buy some Lactaid.
Uh, let me know when you get
the results of the second test.
Sure.
[ends call]
[music]
My girls!
Oh, they're so skinny.
I hope you're feeding them.
No, Mom.
I'm starving them.
New parenting technique.
- I'm hungry.
- She's hungry.
Get in.
Daddy's cooking dinner.
[music]
Thank you, darling.
You're welcome.
[music]
I can't believe you're
wearing that perfume.
[chuckles] Everybody
loves it on me, except you.
That's because
I'm allergic to it, Mom.
[sneezes]
And apparently so is Sammie.
You didn't get these
allergies from me.
I can't breathe back here.
I think my throat's closing up.
[Sammie clears throat]
Sammie, you're fine.
It's just Grandma's perfume.
I wish you would have
chosen a different name for me.
Makes me sound so old.
Mama, I'm hungry.
I think I have
some Goldfish in here.
Can you check?
I can't look and drive.
Goldfish!
Goldfish!
Yeah, hold your horses.
How do you find
anything in here?
Oy, vey.
[phone dings, vibrates]
Oh, your phone is
ringing off the hook.
It's a text message from Bobby.
It says, "The second
test confirmed it, sis."
What is this nonsense?
It's true then.
Someone open a window.
I'm literally dying and you have
these stupid-ass child locks on.
I got it.
And watch your mouth
around your grandmother.
Again with the grandmother?
Goldfish?
Ah, here you go, darling.
Thanks, Granny.
I have something to tell you,
but now is not the right time.
What?
I said now's not the right time.
Whatever you need
to say, just say it.
I'm fine with anything, really.
Just... rip off the band-aid.
Your father
couldn't have children.
Eyes on the road.
Well, we weren't
sure if he could or not,
so I went to a doctor
and got him to help me out.
How did a doctor help you out?
- What kind of doctor?
- Wait, what happened?
Told you this
wasn't the right time.
Shit, Mom, fuck!
What did I miss?
Shit, Mom, fuck!
You didn't miss
anything, my angel.
Go back to your
Facebook thing.
Ew, what am I, 60?
Shit, Mom, fuck!
I'm gonna throw up.
Oh, my God.
Those fucking windows!
Fucking windows!
I told you this
wasn't the right time,
but since you're
pushing it, we mixed
your father's (low) sperm
with someone else's,
and then we went home
and had relations,
like we were
told, and that's that.
Wait, wait.
Whose other sperm?
Squirm.
Sammie told me about squirm.
You're welcome.
I don't know.
You think I'm crazy?
I didn't ask.
I trusted my doctor.
And what about Sara?
You are both your
father's daughters.
Is Sara even my sister?
Aunt Sara's not my aunt?
Aunt Sara is your aunt,
she is your sister,
she is my daughter,
and your father
is both your fathers.
- Grandma's in big trouble.
LENORE: Oy gevalt.
I don't want any
more aggravation.
Can't take it.
I'm not feeling very well.
[music]
TV ANNOUNCER: Pulling
up from half court!
No way! That's insane!
Hey, the Lakers
are up by five.
Your mom and
the girls are upstairs.
Was there a lot of traffic?
Oh, no.
What happened?
MARCUS: Amanda, what's going on?
Mommy's made
for my yucky squirm.
[TV indistinct]
I just can't believe it.
I don't understand her.
She lied to me my whole life.
Technically,
I don't know she lied.
I mean, how could
she not tell me?
Look, both your
parents loved you so much.
This is not about love.
- It's not?
- No, fuck love.
This is about truth.
She betrayed me.
How could I ever
trust her again?
And right before the
bat mitzvah, you know what?
I should just cancel
the whole thing.
Look at me.
Open your mouth.
It was an emergency.
Flower essences.
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna get you some pancit.
And just know that
however you got here,
the girls and I
are so grateful for it.
And, hey, look.
You may wake up tomorrow
and feel better about all of it.
[music]
LENORE: No, wait,
that's not right.
Okay, say it to me
very slowly again.
Barchu, et, adonai, homovara...
Barchu, et, adonai... What?
I don't remember these things.
Barchu et adonai homovara...
You're not old enough
to say that prayer.
Rude.
Well, your Grandfather Jacob,
alav ha-shalom,
he knew all the prayers.
He kept Shabbas
like your mother.
He would sing
(sings) Avenu Makenu
all over the house.
- [laughs]
Come on, girls.
We gotta go.
I'm so happy
you're here, Grandma.
LENORE: Oh, so am I,
Shayna Maidela.
But let's find a better
name for me, okay?
SAMMIE: Okay.
[school bell rings]
So you're going to
your yoga class today?
- Seriously?
- What?
I was wondering if you
were seeing Lawrence.
Lawrence from yoga.
He loves me.
You think I can
do yoga right now?
Can't you see how
incredibly stressed I am?
Oy, daf minisht, okay?
Our family, we never fit
into our conservative
Long Island neighborhood.
We were all about
love and peace and truth.
I mean, you breastfed
at a time where no one else
had the balls to.
Not you.
You're amazing.
[chuckles] Why are you being
such a martyr, Lenore,
they'd say,
I didn't mind.
I loved it.
Remember the Weinbergs?
Remember Daddy sat
them down and told them
they needed to tell
their kids they were adopted,
that--that one day
they were going to find out
that they can't
keep secrets from them?
- It's not the same thing.
- How is it not the same thing?
Because the
Weinbergs were schmucks.
Oh my God, this is not
about the Weinbergs.
My point is, you guys
always made such a big deal
about how truthful we were
as a family when
you blatantly lied.
We didn't lie.
We just didn't think
it was necessary
to tell you every detail
of your conception.
Which most parents
don't, by the way.
And also, I forgot.
- You forgot?
- It wasn't important to me.
Oh, it wasn't
important to you.
No, what was
important to me was giving
your father the family
he always wanted.
We dreamed about a big family,
you know, a lot of tumult.
Your father loved you girls
more than anything in the world.
Isn't that what's important?
God, I had no idea what the
hell you were talking about DNA.
I thought I was going to have a
heart attack when you called me.
What you put me
through is a shonda.
What I put you through?
Do you have any idea
what I'm going through?
I don't even know who I am
anymore, what I am anymore.
I'm not even all Jewish.
The only thing
I ever knew that I was.
You're making a mountain
out of a molehill, Rachel.
I am made of
a complete stranger.
Sara is going to
lose her mind over this.
Don't you tell her about this.
It'll ruin her life.
It'll ruin her life?
But for me, it's
a freaking molehill.
You can handle it.
You're a shtarker.
Me?
I'm running on fumes.
I can't even speak at my
own daughter's bat mitzvah.
The only time I ever
feel somewhat sane
is when I'm
acting and not me.
I don't even remember what my
real last name is at this point.
[music]
Rachel.
How serendipitous.
Hey, Lawrence.
Sat nam.
Sat nam, my dear.
I was worried about you.
You weren't in class.
Gerry mentioned a
possible midlife crisis.
[laughs] What?
Don't you have
to be like 40 to...
I'm fine. Really.
Um, I am so happy
to be in midlife.
I just have so much
going on, you know,
with the bat mitzvah
and some other things, so...
Well, whatever it is.
Just know "this too shall pass."
[music]
Thank you.
And stay away from
the green cleansing juice.
It's from hell.
[music]
[indistinct chatter]
Sara, you are not
going to believe this.
Yeah, I have
nothing to say to you.
Wait, what?
Your fucking DNA test.
It ruined... my life.
How could you do this to me?
Why would you make me do this?
I didn't make you do anything.
You're the one who suggested it.
Do the words "mystical
quest" come to mind?
Yeah, I have no idea
why you're here, half-sister.
Oh, my God. What?
- Oh, my God.
- What?
Yep. Yeah, I have
some other father,
some random guy,
User Number 63
or whatever the fuck,
and my whole family is a lie.
Wait a second.
I thought you
didn't believe in DNA.
Well, I don't.
Okay, but somehow
this all makes sense.
What does?
My daddy didn't love me.
Sara, that is so not true.
He never liked my music.
Your music was about
feminine bodily fluids.
And he hated the
fact that I was gay.
Sara, are you kidding me?
He introduced you
to your first girlfriend.
Do you remember that
redhead with the braces?
Well, I feel abandoned, okay?
I feel like the
poor pit bull at the shelter,
you know, the sweet dog
in the back,
covered in his own poop,
waiting for home.
But no, people are too busy
buying dogs from breeders.
Adopt, don't shop.
She's right.
I love her.
I don't even have a dog.
I have allergies.
And I have no allergies.
I can even eat...
gluten.
[gasps]
We're not real sisters.
Sara, I never meant
for any of this to happen.
Well, the damage
is already done
and you can cancel
the vegan meal.
I will not be attending
the bat mitzvah
because I'm not a
part of your DNA family.
- Wait, Sara.
- I'm out.
I work here.
You should go.
[music]
I'm sorry, Rachel.
She wants you.
Of course she does.
Hey.
You know I love you, right?
[music]
Can you tell me another
story about Grandpa Jacob?
Oh, no, love.
It's getting late.
Do you think he
would have liked me?
Oh, my goodness.
He would have loved you so much.
I mean, I almost
think that the amount
of love he would
have felt for you
would have
exploded the universe.
So it's almost like he couldn't
be here to save mankind.
Humankind.
Isn't "mankind" sexist?
[chuckles] I guess so.
Hold my hand
until I fall asleep?
Hold my hand
until I fall asleep?
Of course.
[music]
Of course.
[typing on laptop]
Is she fully asleep or will she
be back here in two minutes?
She's asleep.
Are you okay?
No.
[voice breaking]
I'm not okay.
I feel like I just
lost my father.
Again.
When he died, 20 years ago, it
was the worst time in my life.
And it's taken me so
many years to finally
believe that he lives on in
me and our girls and our blood.
But no, that's gone.
Everything I thought
was in me from him is gone.
And what's worse, it
was never really there.
[cries, sniffles]
I'm so sorry, Rach.
I just want to
mourn, but I can't.
Because the bat
mitzvah is coming up.
And the family's falling
apart because of me.
Because of what I did.
And every five
minutes, I'm getting
another ding telling
me I have new relatives.
Well, first thing you need to do
is turn off your notifications.
Oh, Marcus.
No, you don't understand.
If my father is not my father,
then who the heck am I?
What's in my DNA?
Maybe...
if I find my
biological father...
Everything will
somehow make sense.
Why I'm so screwed up.
Why I have so much anxiety.
Maybe if I could just talk to
him, I'll somehow make sense.
Marcus, I need to find him.
[music]
[dings]
Whoa.
I remember your
mother's bat mitzvah
like it was yesterday.
We had the whole ganze
meshpuchah there, remember?
Most of them are dead now.
- Well, that's so sad.
- No, it's fine.
Oh, did you tell the
florist about the tulips?
We're going to have tulips
everywhere for Grandpa Jacob.
And what about my dress?
We haven't gotten it yet.
We're running out of time, Mom.
Calm down.
It's at the tailor's.
So we've gotten it, but we
haven't actually gotten it yet.
And, Marcus, I haven't
heard anything from your family.
I want my dress
to be like Sammie's.
I don't like my dress.
If you get a dress
like mine, I'll kill you.
Sammie, watch your mouth.
And I don't know what's
going on with my family.
I'll reach out to them.
Again.
Dad, you need
to wear your barong.
Maybe that would
make your aunts happy.
Why are your aunts upset now?
They're not upset.
They've just never
been to a bar mitzvah.
ALL:Bat--
LENORE: Mitzvah.
Bat, bat, bat...
Whatever.
They're just awkward
around the Judaism stuff.
I've got to make them feel
like they're a part of all this.
Well, you should
definitely wear your barong.
I'll wear one, too, if
that will make them happy.
That's cultural
appropriation, Mom.
Holy shitballs.
You all need to
understand that what
I'm in the midst of
planning will induce migraines,
insomnia, and the unavoidable
panic attack, not
to mention my whole world
and concept of family
was shattered as of recently.
Oh, boy, here we go again.
Okay, let's get
ready for school, girls.
- Hell no.
- No way.
Two yentes.
It's all right.
I'm not in the mood
to fight right now.
And you'll take a valium
before the bat mitzvah.
Your father always
kept some on hand for me.
Since when?
What, you think your
mother was a woman of steel?
Big events always
gave me shpilkes.
They did?
I always thought
you loved all of that.
I don't know. I didn't
air my grievances
to the world like
some people do.
Aunt Sara swears
by her CBD gummies.
[clears throat] Anyway,
I was thinking about Lola.
I told you he was cheating.
No, Lenore, it's "Grandma"
in the Philippines.
That's what we'd have called
my mom if she was still alive.
Oh, may she rest in peace.
A fantastic woman.
I am now "Lola."
Your mother
thought I was cheating.
Don't listen to her.
[phone dings]
All right, girls,
go get ready for school.
Excitement's over.
And the drama's back on.
I have a Muslim half-brother.
Amir Al-Wazir, you were saying?
You should invite
Amir to the bar mitzvah.
Yes, Rabbi Josephine
would love that.
I could have the
whole Arab-Israeli
conflict play out
during the service.
That should be calming.
So, look, Ma, I know
what you're gonna say,
but I've hired a private
detective to find my father.
A biological father.
Are you kidding me?
You have to stop
harping on this.
You're becoming a real
meshuggenah, you know that?
I'm crazy to want to know
the truth of my existence.
Are you putting this
self-help crap in her head?
How am I brought into all this?
I'm meeting with him
first thing this morning.
Isn't this first thing?
Well, I'm going with you.
No way.
He has to hear
my side of the case.
Listen, I've seen every
episode of "Murder, She Wrote."
- I know what to do.
- Mom...
Angela Lansbury was
your father's favorite actress.
I'm coming.
Absolutely not.
No.
[music]
[Lenore clicks tongue]
Oh, the places you take me.
I didn't ask you to come.
Oh, what, I'm gonna
let my daughter go downtown
all alone to
get herself murdered?
- I am a grown woman--
- Mrs. Torres!
Holy shit.
Please, come in.
Really?
I was a Dodger fan when
the Dodgers were in Brooklyn.
[laughs] Girl after
my own heart.
So, how can I help you ladies?
Well, my daughter
is looking for her father.
Although, if you ask
me, I don't know why.
Her father,
my late husband,
may he rest in peace,
was a great father.
He sang to her.
He read to her.
He washed her tuchus.
He was a great father
in every sense of the word
but what's a mother
to do at this point?
Do you have children?
Well, it's actually
my biological
father I'm trying to find.
I found out quite recently that
my father is not my real father.
I was absolutely blindsided.
Oh, were you?
Re-Really?
And what should
I say about that?
Well, you can begin by saying
I'm sorry I ruined your life.
I have nothing to apologize for.
I did what I thought was right.
Oh, yeah?
And what about us?
Okay. Time out.
[nervous laugh] Neutral corners.
Do you have any information
on the donor at all?
LENORE: Yes.
RACHEL: No.
We know that he
was a medical student
at the hospital where
my doctor worked. What?
This is how my brain works.
It's all coming back to me now.
Great, um, anything else
suddenly coming to mind?
No. That's it.
Well, I am confident
that I can help you.
As you know, I am Gerry's go-to
expert on her ancestry show.
And I work with a Dr. Feinstein
in uncovering paternity cases.
Wh--Michael Feinstein?
- He's my OB.
- Yeah. Yeah.
Database upon
database of donors.
A leader in infertility.
Of course.
He helped me when I had
trouble conceiving my girls.
A perfect opportunity,
I may add, for a mother
to tell her daughter
about her own conception woes.
Right. Uh, well,
you know what?
Let's start at the beginning.
Tell me everything
and leave no stone unturned.
[music]
Well, it all began in Brooklyn.
I was in art school.
My husband-to-be
was in dental school.
It was love at first sight.
Well, that went well.
I thought he was very nice.
You didn't let him say one word.
The only thing
I got from all of that
is I need to see
Dr. Feinstein like stat.
And, no, I don't
need a chaperone.
Oh, please.
You think I want
to drive to the velterine
with you in mitten drinnen?
Yes, Mama.
Yes, I do.
Vey schmeer, I've
shrunk two inches.
I used to be your height.
This is what happens
when you get to be my age.
Do I have any good genes?
Like, at all?
Rachel, are you all right?
Oh, Lenore, what
a wonderful surprise.
- Yeah.
- Sorry, Doctor.
I said that my ovary
burst, but it didn't.
My ovaries are fine,
as far as ovaries go.
But I did this DNA test,
and, gosh, I wanted to ask you.
It's so complicated.
If by any chance that...
I used a sperm donor
to conceive my daughters.
New York, a medical
student, late 70s.
- I need to find him.
- Hm.
I did my residency
around that time in Brooklyn.
Oh, my doctor was in Brooklyn.
- Dr. Siegel?
- Morris?
- Yes.
- Morris Siegel.
He's a legend.
He practically invented
artificial insemination.
I worked very closely with him.
In fact, he asked
me to donate a few ti...
- What?
- I only did it one time.
I needed the money.
- What?
- Medical books are expensive.
Dr. Feinstein, are
you Rachel's father?
- Ahh.
LENORE: Oh, wait.
You're Jewish, right?
Can you get any more
Jewish than Feinstein?
Oh, Goldenberg.
Yeah, well, that's...
My donor was
specifically not Jewish.
Northern European,
to be precise.
English, Irish,
French, or German.
Nope, not me.
Whew.
Although, you
do look a little Irish.
I was kind of hoping
you'd say French.
Nope, don't see
any French at all.
You damn sure don't look Jewish.
So I've been told.
But anyway, I hear that you
have databases of donors?
I sure do.
You know, I could
run a search for you.
I'd be like trying
to find a needle
in a haystack, but I could try.
Okay, thank you.
Okay. Wow.
You know, this makes
me want to do a DNA
search of my own,
see if there are any other
little Feinsteins
running around the Earth.
Yeah, I wouldn't suggest it.
It's been known to wreck lives.
Huh.
Oh, uh, Sandra at
the front desk said
there's some trouble with your
medical insurance going through.
You just might want to
consider going on Marcus's.
[music]
It's good to see
you back, Rachel.
Sat nam.
Sat nam.
You told him I was
having a midlife crisis?
What?
Was I wrong?
Maybe. Oh, did I tell you?
Your trusty private eye took my
money and ran off somewhere?
Damn. He's always been
one of my best guests.
Oh, and Dr. Feinstein?
He's been of no use
with all of his databases.
But now, because
of me, he took the DNA test
and found out he has a
son who's a white nationalist.
- Jesus.
- Yeah.
God, my head is spinning.
Like, literally spinning.
I think I have vertigo.
I have to put my
head down somewhere.
Oh, gosh.
Well, before
we call the ambulance,
I think I have just
what the doctor ordered.
Remember that murder
show I wanted for my slate?
[music]
I don't know how Gerry
convinces me to do these things.
At the worst possible time.
Don't worry.
I'm here.
Your mom's here to
help or make things worse.
I'm not sure which.
Well, please make
sure that Sammie
practices her Torah portion
and memorizes the prayers.
And don't let my mother
give Amanda too much sugar.
She'll be up all night.
She also needs
a bath and make sure
she brushes her
teeth and flosses.
She never flosses.
And the dentist
always gets so mad at me.
Okay, okay, okay.
I got it.
I'm sorry. I just...
I miss the girls so much.
You've been gone
for less than two hours.
You ever think that's why
you're not working so much?
Maybe your priorities
have shifted a little bit?
Let me be Daddy, okay?
And, uh, you go
be actress person.
It's in your DNA.
Tell Mom to work on her speech.
[groans]
I love her.
And you so much.
[phone rings] Oh.
Oh, it... it-it's Bobby.
Let me take this, okay?
I love you.
I'll talk to you later.
Hey, bro.
Oh, you don't...
You don't look very good.
Murder victim, what's up?
Well, oh, I...
I have really big news.
I found bio dad.
What?
His actual son just
joined RapidDNA.
And he said that
his dad was a med student
in New York in the 70s.
And he knew his
dad donated sperm.
He was looking to see
if he had any siblings.
That is amazing.
Bio dad's name is
Dr. William James Morgan.
Born Plymouth, England.
He's British?
We're British?
He's got a lot of children.
Multiple marriages.
You can see them all.
We're the United States
of Benetton over here.
Hey, Rachel.
Five-minute warning.
Oh, I gotta get strangled now.
Okay. Oh, but also,
I'm coming to L.A. tonight.
Bio dad's son lives there.
He wants to meet up
and tell me everything.
So I booked a tattoo.
Why?
Yeah, he's kind
of a tattoo artist.
And I don't know
what I was thinking.
I got caught up in the moment.
But do you think
you can come with me?
I'll pick you up first thing.
Okay. And when
is that exactly?
I have no idea.
Um, 9 a.m.?
Just text me your hotel info.
Okay.
Remember when I did
that movie in the U.K.?
I felt like I suddenly fit in.
Like, these are my people.
Can we move there?
I hate L.A.
I mean, maybe it'll be
like that with bio dad.
Like an instant connection.
Maybe he has your curls.
No, I get those from my mom.
She straightens her hair.
Maybe your blue eyes?
No, I think I get
those from her mother,
although I've never
actually met her.
What about Grandpa Jacob?
What are you doing up?
- Lola's snoring.
- Oh.
Yeah, Mom, what
about Grandpa Jacob?
What about him?
Are you gonna, like,
love Grandpa Jacob
less when you
meet the squirm guy?
What?
No way.
Go back to bed.
I love you.
I think Grandma's
secretly worried about that.
Nothing could ever
take away my love
or connection
to Grandpa Jacob.
Then why do you care so
much about meeting the new dude?
I honestly don't know.
But I'm hoping it'll
make me a better person.
A better mom.
You're the best mom already.
And you know, if
this is about the whole
speech, I'm sure Grandma
would be happy to speak for you.
No, don't even joke about that.
Sammie, you
know I want to, right?
[music]
- But...
- But?
[Sammie sighs]
[music]
[engine stops]
Oh, please, don't
start with this mishegas.
This meeting is
pretty monumental.
Stop it.
The two of you were
just some sperm
from the same man in a cup.
Makes me sick to
even think about it.
Semen. Yech.
LENORE: Jesus. Is this him?
RACHEL: Yep.
Hellooo.
RACHEL: Hi.
You must be the
son I never wanted.
Be nice.
I'm kidding.
Hop in.
[music]
[starts engine]
So, do you have a girlfriend?
Or a boyfriend?
My daughter Sara is a lesbian.
I love the gays.
Your sister's not answering
my calls for some reason.
I'm not gay, but I don't
have a girlfriend.
Hopefully one day.
Well, every pot
has its cover. [chuckles]
Rachel's father, my late
husband, may he rest in peace,
he was the love of my life.
Still is.
Not a day goes
by I don't miss him.
Did she tell you
she was an actress?
Maybe once or twice.
I could never do what she does.
Me? I'm-I'm shy.
I'm not sure I can
agree with that description.
Well, put a camera
in front of me
I'm like Jackie Gleason.
Hommina, hommina.
But you, you're in
front of a camera.
You light up.
That's why I turned down that
teaching job at the university.
You do what you have to do.
Hey, what teaching job?
I don't dwell on the past.
You only dwell on the past.
Listen, I loved going
into the city with you.
The ups, the downs.
I'll never regret it.
Not for a minute.
You and I, we were a great team.
[music]
Hi, excuse me,
is this...
- Rachel?
- Yeah?
Hi, baby sister.
[laughs]
- Oh, oh.
- Ahh.
And brother.
[Bobby laughs]
I'm not gonna pick
you up, but I'll take a hug.
Hello, I'm Lenore,
also known as Lola.
I have no idea what I am to you,
but this place is fantastic.
I want to see inside.
Show me around, won't you?
Thank you.
Oh, my.
Oh, look at this.
This is Quiet Jimmy.
Don't make eye contact.
[door closes]
And this is my sister,
our sister, Denise.
- Denise.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- It's Rachel and Bobby.
DENISE: Sorry.
Playing a word game
in a very heated match.
I love word games.
You can thank
our dad for that.
He was a man of many words.
He used to tell us
a lot of bedtime stories.
Last one he told us, I was six.
Javi was too young to remember
him, but that's when he left us.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, he loved the ladies.
He loved the bottle even more.
Javi will tell you more.
I gotta get to class.
I'm getting my
master's in nursing.
Mi hermano.
You ready to do this?
I am not ready to do this.
Oh, tateleh.
You'll be fine.
If I can do natural
childbirth with two children,
you can handle
one stinkin' needle.
[buzzing]
You did all these?
Oh, amazing.
I'm an artist, too.
We have to keep at it, don't we?
I'll tell you what...
If you lived in Long Island,
I would ask
you to join my art class.
Eleanor and the
girls would love you.
QUIET JIMMY: Hmm.
Sweetheart, what do you think?
Let's get a couple of tattoos.
Matching hearts?
What? No.
Look what I have
to deal with here.
What about us not being
buried in a Jewish cemetery?
Oh, I think they've
changed those rules.
Everybody's getting
tattoos nowadays.
My dad's Jewish.
What?
Yeah, he converted
for his third wife.
You don't look Jewish.
You look Irish.
Does this make me Jewish?
No.
So, does he live here?
In Los Angeles?
Well, he used to live here.
What do you mean?
Where is he now?
There's something
I gotta show you guys.
But we gotta drive there.
[music]
Denise read
about it in the paper.
He died three weeks ago.
We just missed him.
Yeah.
It's crazy.
That's why I wanted
you to see it in person.
If you ask me,
it seems meant to be.
[sighs] I know meeting
him meant a lot to you both,
but to be honest,
he wasn't a good guy.
When he left my
mom, he told his new
wife that Denise
and I were dead.
I don't remember
ever being with him.
He cared more about
his new life and his
successful career
than being a father to us.
But the one thing he
did teach me was that...
just because you're related
doesn't make you family.
Denise and I created our own.
[music]
Whoa, that's so cool.
Yeah, it was no biggie.
- I want a tattoo.
- I'll give you one.
- Where are the Sharpies?
Come on.
Oh, Bobby, you should
stay for the bat mitzvah.
Rachel, you'll
put him at my table.
Also, I've invited
Javi and Denise.
Wonderful people.
Have you heard from your sister?
She's not returning my calls.
No, you were right.
I ruined her life
just like I ruined mine.
You didn't ruin anything.
I wish everybody
would stop making
such a big deal out of this.
If you ask me, the
whole thing's kind of cool.
But you didn't ask me,
so... I'll... just...
Rachel, you really
just have to let this go.
I can't.
I can't just let this go.
I don't think it's
cool, and I don't need
more family, and I don't care
if I have an elevated
risk of celiac disease.
We don't, by the way.
I just...
I want things to go
back to the way things were,
when I had one father--
a wonderful man
who I loved and
loved me and lived on
in the girls, but no,
I have this other guy
who I don't even
know but may have
given me some knowledge
of who I am, and he's dead!
I just lost my
one chance of fixing
all that's broken in me, and
now I have absolutely nothing!
You have nothing?
What about your mother?
[music]
Rachel?
[voice breaking]
What about me?
Well...
then I don't know
what I'm doing here.
I'm leaving.
[Lenore grunts]
Mom!
[Lenore groans]
Mom!
Call 9-1-1!
SAMMIE: Grandma!
AMANDA: Lola!
[music]
It's okay...
[music]
[scribbling]
Thank you so much.
[music]
She's gonna be okay.
Oh, thank God.
Look, they're gonna
have to keep her here
a few days because
she's very weak,
but she's gonna be fine.
Oh, God, I was so stupid.
I shouldn't have yelled at her.
I pushed this thing way too far.
I mean, gosh,
she kept telling me
about the cardiologist
who was handsome
and thought she was
young, but, you know,
she kept saying
it, but I thought
she was just being Lenore.
I didn't think that there was
anything serious with her heart.
Wait, wait, wait.
This wasn't her heart.
- What?
- No.
She had a severe anaphylactic
reaction to the ink.
What ink?
You got a tattoo?
Are you kidding me right now?
Oh, stop it.
It's fine.
It's not fine, Mom.
You almost died.
Do you have any idea
what you put us through?
Maidela, come here.
Shayna.
Give me your hanteleh.
- Sweetheart.
- Mom, I am...
I know you don't
have to say anything.
I know.
I am so sorry.
Me too, shayna maidela.
Me too.
It's okay.
[music]
Ow, Sammie!
I have nerve endings.
A wise woman
once told me...
BOTH: It hurts to be beautiful.
That's not very
empowering, Mama.
And you wonder
why I have problems.
You don't need to pass
everything of yours to us.
Well, speaking of
passing things down...
Grandpa Jacob gave this
to me on my bat mitzvah day.
And now I want you to have it.
[music]
You're going to
be amazing today.
So will you, Mama.
- Let's go.
- Yeah.
Ohhh, I have the most
handsome husband.
I have the most beautiful wife.
Ohh, look how beautiful.
All of you.
Oh, my son, the doctor.
Now, if only you were Jewish.
Oh, what did I say?
Your sister's going
to be here any minute.
Okay.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
Depends how you define "okay."
Did you take
the flower essences?
Yes.
Although we both
know it's horseshit.
All right, come on.
We got to go.
We're going to be late.
We're literally walking outside.
[indistinct chatter]
RACHEL: Because of Mom's
illness, we had to put
the bat mitzvah off
until she was better.
We lost the reception hall,
the florist, the caterer,
even the synagogue.
But we came
together as a family,
both new and old,
to create our own thing,
which may have been better.
But there was still one
task yet to be completed...
The speech.
I'm performing
one of my originals.
Uh-huh.
Not the one about
your vagina, I hope?
We call it a yoni, Ma.
Yoni? Isn't that that
New Age music guy?
Lenore?
Lawrence.
Lawrence from yoga.
You remembered.
Well, how would I forget?
These are for you.
Well, thank you.
How is your sciatica?
Have you been doing the
hip openers I suggested?
Holy shit, your root chakra, Ma.
Say yes. Say yes.
Yes, Lawrence.
Your hip openers have
definitely opened my hips.
And you can call me...
Lola.
Hello, Lola.
[laughs]
You're never gonna believe this.
Oh, no, what now?
SARA: Look.
Isn't this amazing?
See, this is why you
have to go with the flow.
I mean, Mom and Dad totally went
against the flow to have us.
It's all about
the energy of love.
You know?
MAN: Sara!
- Hey!
- Hey!
- That's my bio dad!
Isn't he iconic?
No wonder he went by
User Number 6B or whatever.
He's one of the world's
most famous guitarists.
Checks out, right?
We have the best fucking family!
[laughter]
[music playing]
- Hello.
- Amir Al Wazir.
I'm Rachel's brother.
Oh, okay.
Come on in. Welcome.
Hi. Good afternoon.
Welcome.
JAVI: Tita Christina.
Heard so much about you.
[indistinct chatter]
This seat's open.
So I hear you have
a tattoo somewhere.
There you are.
- You okay?
- Mm-hm.
If you could all
please take your seats.
We're ready to begin.
[Sammie chanting in Hebrew]
[music]
[Sammie chanting in Hebrew]
We have asked
Tita Angela and Tita Christina
to join us for
the blessing of family.
And now, it is time for
the bat mitzvah girl
to give her speech.
Sammie.
Today, I am a woman.
[chuckling]
Private joke with my
mom, but seriously, I wanted
to thank you all for
coming and for changing
all your travel
plans last minute.
It means so much to me.
But there are a few people who
I would like to thank the most.
Amanda, even though
we fight constantly,
you know I love
you and you're the best
sister in the
whole wide world.
Just please try not
to be so annoying.
[laughter]
Dad, thank you for
being the best dad ever
and for teaching me
about our Filipino culture.
And for making me the
proud Lakers fan I am today.
[laughs] Mamba forever.
Mom, today wouldn't
have happened without you.
You've encouraged
me to become a strong
Jewish woman and
I'm so grateful for you.
You always know
what's best for me
and what'll make me happy even
though I don't want to admit it.
I just want to say, I love you.
No matter what.
RABBI: Thank you, Sammie.
And now, I would like to
invite Rachel to the bimah
to give her
blessing to Sammie.
[music]
Sammie, I...
[clears throat]
S...
[heartbeats]
(whispering)
Sammie, I...
[panting]
[whimpering]
[music]
LENORE: Breathe.
Hello.
Hi.
[music]
[clears throat]
[laughs softly]
Sammie...
You asked me to make a
speech for you today, but I...
I didn't think I could.
I didn't think I'd be able
to find the right words...
...until now.
I guess sometimes
the thing you've been
looking for has
been with you all along.
Sammie, today you are a woman.
And in becoming a woman,
you have to know
where you came from.
And what you come from,
Sammie, is pure love.
You come from my
father, Grandpa Jacob,
who loved his family
more than anything.
You come from me.
And your amazing dad...
who try every day to be the
best parents for you and Amanda.
And you come from your grandma.
I... I mean Lola.
Lenore.
She made sacrifices for
me that I never realized.
And has been by my
side every step of the way.
I wouldn't be me without her.
And she taught me what love is.
Love doesn't care about DNA.
Love makes its own family.
Love accepts
us for who we are.
For what we are.
With all our mishigas.
No matter how badly we messed
up or were just plain wrong.
[music]
Sammie, when you have
love, you have everything.
And I love you so much.
And with that,
I hope you will join me
in wishing Sammie a
lifetime of love and happiness.
L'chaim!
ALL: L'chaim!
[music]
You'll see.
[laughing]
I hope those tattoos
are fake. I...
[music playing]
I'll be right back.
[music]
Hey, bro.
Hey.
Wow.
This is an awesome party.
Yeah, well, the
party just started.
Don't give it a kinehora.
[Rachel laughs]
I just want you to know
that I'm happy you're here.
Me too.
[clears throat]
Um, I know this
might sound kind of weird,
but if all
this hadn't happened,
I never would
have met you guys.
So I'm kind of happy it did.
[Rachel laughs]
You know you're
stuck with us now, right?
Even if it's just DNA.
["Hava Nagila" playing]
And this is the best part.
Come.
[cheers]
I love you, Mamala.
I love you more!
[Rachel screams]
[music]
SARA ON MIC: All right, y'all.
[taps microphone]
Ladies and gentlemen
and those in between,
I would like you to direct
your attention
and energy to Sammie.
As she enters this new
paradigm of womanhood.
Today, we honor
the Divine Mother.
We honor the vulva.
- [laughter]
- We honor the womb.
We honor the yoni.
Head up.
That's my bio dad.
My yoni, you bleed
My yoni, you ache
My yoni, you give life
Creator of the world
When I was born
You pushed me out
Into this world
How can you be so mean?
But then I saw
She gets this
from her mother.
You've been with me
Through everything
You're inside of me
And when the night is cold
And when I feel alone
I know that you are there
You are guiding me
My yoni, you bleed
My yoni, you ache
- Yes. Exactly.
My yoni, you give a life
Creator of the world
My yoni, you bleed
My yoni, you ache
My yoni, you give life
Creator of the world
My yoni, you bleed
My yoni, you ache
My yoni, you give life
The source of it all
[music]