One Night Stand (1984) Movie Script
(soft tense music)
(protestors chanting)
- [Protestors] Call the
Russians, call the Yanks,
take their weapons off them!
Call the Russians, call the Yanks,
take their weapons off them!
Don't give up the fight,
don't give up the fight
Get up, stand up, get up, stand up
Stand up for your right,
stand up for your right
Get up, stand up, get up, stand up
Don't give up the fight,
don't give up the fight
(soft tense music)
What should I write
What can I say
How can I tell you how much I miss you
The weather here has
been as nice as it can be
Although it doesn't
really matter much to me
For all the fun I'll have
while you're so far away
It might as well rain until September
I don't need sunny skies
for things I have to do
'Cause I stay home the whole
day long and think of you
As far as I'm concerned
each day's a rainy day
So it might as well
rain until September
My friends look forward to
their picnics on the beach
Yes, everybody loves the summertime
Oh, but you know, darling while
your arms are out of reach
The summer isn't any friend of mine
It doesn't matter whether
skies are grey or blue
It's raining in my heart
'cause I can't be with you
I'm only living for the
day you're home to stay
So it might as well
rain until September
(Santas laughing)
September
September
Oh, it might as well
rain until September
- [Sharon] Creep.
- [Both] Lunch break.
- "Francis McAfferty
is 35 and well groomed,
into home life, listening to soft music,
barbecues and occasional outings.
Seek sincere and caring woman
to 28, preferably blonde."
- Lovely.
- "And faithful."
- No such thing.
- "Kids okay, but allergic to cats."
- [Eva] Hm, pity, might've
snapped him up, hm.
- "Bruised and depressed
Marcus Mann, age 48,
seeks energetic feminist to rekindle-"
- Hi girls.
- Twins.
- God, Rudolph.
- No, Brendan.
- And Tony.
- Well, who's which?
- Come out with us tonight and
we'll expose our real selves.
- No, thanks, you might look like
the "Creature From the Black Lagoon."
- We're actually very handsome.
- Modest too.
- Doing anything tonight?
- Decorating the Christmas tree.
- We've got tender skin,
can't stand beards.
- Oh, don't worry, we'll shave.
- Could be bad for business.
- Yeah, this must be
your best time of year.
- They do Easter Bunnies
in the off season.
- I actually work down there sometimes.
I'm a singer.
- I haven't seen you,
I'm an usherette there.
- Oh, I've got a show coming up.
- Okay, how about it?
(Sharon and Eva laughing)
- Can you handle it?
(Sharon and Eva laughing)
- A lot of women would
give their right arm
for an opportunity like this.
- Wow.
- You're not allergic to cats, are you?
- [Protestors] US bases out now!
- Thanks, fans, thank you.
- [Protestors] US bases out now!
US bases out now!
- What are they carrying
on about this time?
- I don't know.
- [Protestors] US bases out now!
US bases out now!
US bases out now!
US bases out now!
- Whoo hoo!
- US bases out now!
- What's he doing?
- US bases out now!
- What you doing, wussy?
- US bases out now!
- [Sailor] You wanna put
us out of business, wussy?
- [Sailor] Oh, that's
really subversive, wussy.
- US bases out now!
- Whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo!
(soft tense music)
- US bases out now!
US bases out now!
US bases out now!
US bases out now!
(waves lapping)
(Sharon and Eva laughing)
- So what do you think we
should do about tonight?
- Young, beautiful bank teller
and plain usherette disappear.
Phantom Father Christmases strike again!
- Oh, they weren't that bad.
- I thought yours was a bit up himself.
- What do you mean yours?
- The one who was sitting next to you.
- We'll toss, okay.
- Okay.
- Well, at least we know
they've got good taste,
following us all that way.
- True and mine did look
a bit like Richard Gere.
(mellow melodic music)
(car rumbling quietly)
Heads, I get Richard Gere.
- Tails, I suppose I get the throwback.
(hand slapping)
Da da
(car doors thudding)
(mellow melodic music)
(audience cheering)
(mellow upbeat music)
Conquistador of Mexico
The Zulu and the Navajo
The Belgians in the
Congo, short memory
Plantation in Virginia
The Raj in British India
The deadline in South
Africa, short memory
The story of El Salvador
The silence of Hiroshima
Destruction of Cambodia, short memory
Short memory, must have a
Short memory
Short memory, must have a
Short memory
The sight of hotels by the Nile
The designated Hilton style
- Rock and roll!
- What?
With running water specially
bought, short memory
- You should be dancing!
- I don't dance!
A smallish man, Afghanistan
A watch dog in a nervous land
They're only there to
lend a hand, short memory
The friendly five, a dusty smile
Wake up in sweat at dead of night
And in the tents, new
rifles, hey, short memory
(audience cheering)
Short memory, must have a
Short memory
Short memory, must have a
Short memory
Short memory, must have a
Short memory
(mellow upbeat music)
(audience cheering)
Short memory, must have a
Short memory, must have a
If you read the history books
You'll see the same things
happen again and again
Repeat, repeat short memory,
it's always gonna be the same
They've all got short
memory, oh, why, why, why
Short memory
Got a short memory, must have a
(audience cheering)
(soft tense music)
(car rumbling quietly)
- This where you bring all your victims?
- I just come here for the view.
- It's much more comfortable in the back.
- Oh, I'm happy here, thanks.
- I don't like your chances.
Well, not on the first night?
- What's wrong with the first night?
- Maybe it's bad luck.
- I reckon it's good luck,
means you can't stop yourself.
- I've got heaps of self-control.
- Pity.
(musical car horn blaring)
(ship horn blasting)
- Must've heard my S.O.S.
(boat horns blasting)
(revellers cheering)
- Sounds like the whole world's doing it.
- Except us, are you gonna drive me home?
- Well, what do you wanna go home for?
- To hear the Lotto.
- It's just money these days.
It's all anyone's interested in.
(Sharon laughing)
(birds squawking)
- The Secretary General
of the United Nations
today appealed for calm and reason
in the face of the
deteriorating political crisis
in Central America.
"The situation," he said,
"had brought the world to
the brink of oblivion."
- Have you been a Father Christmas before?
- Accusations.
- No.
- [Newsreader] And counter accusations
in the security council.
- You like kids, do you?
- Why, you wanna go halves?
- [Newsreader] In as
many days, the veto gang-
- Actually I hate them.
- Nicaragua.
- Hi there.
- [Newsreader] Condemning
the United States.
- Still up?
- Yeah.
- Interference-
- What's this place?
- We're looking after it.
- Commenting on the veto,
A White House spokesman
repeated yesterday's-
(button clicking)
- The agency, say hello.
- Good timing.
- [Presenter] No, very interesting,
six, 10, four, 16 and 15.
The big one is about to fall!
- Sometimes.
- Yes,
they make fun of it and everything.
They haven't won it yet.
- Hopeless!
It's probably all rigged anyway.
- Has the world ended yet?
- Nearly.
- How are you going?
- I'm not, he kept touching me.
A real groper.
- Mine can't stop bragging,
talk about motor mouth.
(both laughing)
Hey, let's listen.
- Yeah.
- [Tony] What was yours like?
- [Brendan] A winner.
- And where was the deed done?
- Front seat.
- Front?
- I didn't.
- Oh, you did.
- Just as well I'm double jointed.
As she cried out in bliss,
she kicked the handbrake
and we almost went into the harbour.
How about yours?
- Ah, bit flat.
- Flat?
- Bit nervous actually,
'til the old charm took over.
- Sly bastard.
- Couldn't say I got to
know her all that well,
didn't do much talking.
- Right, staying the night?
- Yeah, why not?
(TV news broadcasting quietly)
- Look, we're both exhausted,
so we're just gonna
have to let you boys go.
- Thanks for a wonderful night.
- [Newsreader] Organisers
estimated the number of-
- Oh.
- As being well over 100,000-
- [Tony] Okay.
You don't wanna offer
us a drink or anything?
- No, you've worn us out.
- Couldn't cope with any more.
- [Newsreader] Similar rallies were held
and in Fremantle, scores
of arrests were made.
- We could go for a drink at the Cross,
do you wanna go for a drink up the Cross?
We could, um-
- Bye.
- [Newsreader] The
giant Us carrier, Nimitz
anchored two miles offshore.
- See you.
- Thanks a lot.
- [Newsreader] Seems reminiscent
of the Vietnam moratorium.
- God, if one of them started
coming down my chimney,
I'd light a fire.
- For much of the afternoon
and traffic was still in
chaos well into the evening.
- [Tony] What did you do to her?
- [Brendan] I don't know.
- You're like a bull in a China shop.
Haven't you ever heard of foreplay?
(car door thudding)
- Classy, eh?
(car engine starting)
- No more blind dates.
(car rumbling)
("The Blue Danube Waltz"
by Johann Strauss)
("The Blue Danube Waltz" continues)
("The Blue Danube Waltz" continues)
(car door clicking)
(car door thudding)
- Well, as Mother always said,
"There's plenty of other fish in the sea."
- Yeah, jellyfish and sharks.
- And have only one unthinkable
conclusion, Armageddon.
Or surely, it is injustice
climbing to almost
hysterical recrimination,
that a fatal misunderstanding will occur
and the button be pushed.
The results of course, would
be beyond comprehension.
Let's hope we'll still be here
to present the first
programme of the New Year.
Have a good Christmas.
O, come all ye faithful
Joyful and triumphant
O, come ye, o, come ye to Bethlehem
(revellers cheering)
(boat horn blasting)
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And never brought to mind
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
For the sake of auld lang syne
(waves lapping)
(machinery humming)
(car door clicking)
- Hey, mate.
(car door thudding)
Hey, driver!
(truck rumbling)
Come on, there's someone
here, I was asleep.
What do you think you're doing?
There's someone in here!
Hey, driver!
Stop!
("Over the Sea to Skye" bagpipe music)
- [Revelers] Happy New Year!
(bagpipe music continues)
(crowd chattering)
- [Reveler] Hey, give us
a New Year's kiss, darl!
(bagpipe music continues)
(crowd chattering)
- G'day.
- Hi.
- Hi, I got some champagne,
everyone will be pissed
by the time we get there.
- Oh, great. Did you hear the Lotto?
- Two was the only one we had.
You know, that's 33
times 10 hasn't come up.
(thunder rumbling)
- [Sharon] Must be a storm coming.
- Hm.
- I'll just check they're all out.
(feet thudding)
(footsteps tapping)
Excuse me, we're closing up.
Hello.
Glad you enjoyed the concert.
Hey, are you dead?
You're not a corpse, are you?
(man groaning softly)
Thank God.
- Ah!
Sorry!
- Well, calm down, we're
closing, that's all.
- Must have dozed off.
(footsteps tapping)
- Oh, well, don't worry about it.
(door thudding)
- I had garlic, can you smell it?
- Did you see that American guy then?
I'm sure I've seen him somewhere before.
- The one who went into the gents?
- Didn't he go out?
- No, who is he?
- Give us a look.
(muffled bagpipe music)
(newspaper rustling)
(thunder rumbling)
Here we are, I thought so.
- "American sailor still missing."
What did he do?
- Went on shore leave and disappeared.
- What would he be doing here?
- I don't know.
I suppose he was watching the concert.
(newspaper rustling)
(muffled bagpipe music)
Hey, will you get a move on?
We've gotta go, it's New Year's, you know.
- Don't go in, he might be dangerous.
- He didn't look dangerous.
- Most maniacs don't,
they try to look harmless to suck you in.
- Look, I know who you are.
I'm not gonna report you or
anything, I don't blame you,
I wouldn't wanna be in the Navy either.
- Sharon.
- [Sam] You sure you're
not gonna call the cops?
- We just wanna go.
- [Sam] Don't worry about me.
- You'll be locked in!
(door clicking)
- I could be a maniac, you know.
- Yeah, sure, you've got a
chainsaw shoved up your t-shirt.
Look, we can't just leave you here.
- That's what I want, I've
been here for three days.
- Oh, where?
- Here.
Hey listen,
would you come with me?
If the security guard sees
us, he'll think it's okay.
Okay?
Come on.
- [Eva] You couldn't have
been here all that time,
could you?
- Ssh!
- I move around, I got different
places where I hole up.
- What do you do all day?
- Sleep and listen to
the radio, found a radio.
Sometimes I watch a show.
I know one of them real good.
Ah.
(melodic orchestral music)
Blow wind and crack your cheeks!
Rage, blow!
You cataracts and hurricanoes,
strike 'til you have drowned our steeples!
Round the cocks
and thou, all-shaking thunder,
strike flat
the thick rotundity o' the world.
(dramatic orchestral music)
(cast applauding)
Ah!
- The rabbit's escaped
from the drama theatre, have you seen it?
- I think it went that way.
- Snowy.
- Snowy.
- Snowy.
- Snowy.
- Snowy.
- Wow!
- Well, that's where I sleep.
Just set the alarm on my watch,
make sure that I wake up before
the first shift comes in.
You want some coffee?
- We're supposed to go to a party.
- Hey, come on, you're the first
people I talked to in days,
apart from myself, I'm going crazy.
- You're not gonna throw us
down from up there, are you?
- I'm a pacifist, why do
you think I jumped ship,
when the war's about to start?
- You think there's gonna be a war?
- Whole US Navy's known for months.
Home, sweet home.
(Sharon and Eva laughing)
Ssh!
(light melodic music)
- What do you do for food?
- Borrow from the candy bar.
Mars bars for breakfast,
Cherry Ripes for lunch,
Violet Crumbles for dinner
and Waggon Wheels for dessert.
- The dentist will love you.
- What'll happen if you're caught?
- I can get 10 years in Naval prison
for cowardice in the face of the enemy.
So I gotta stay here until
my beard starts growing.
What's it looking like?
- You could be here for a while.
- Nevermind, remember that
article, less facial hair
means you're further up
the evolutionary ladder.
- What, so people with beards
and hairy legs are throwbacks?
- [Eva] Those Santa Clauses we
went out with certainly were.
- Ssh!
(Brendan whistling)
- Who's that?
- Must be the kid who does the cleaning.
- Here's Brendan!
Put your hands together for
contestant number five, Brendan-
- Hey, look who it is.
- The complete gymnast.
- Of course, is well
known to you as the winner
of the Australian Open Golf Tournament
and current Welterweight Boxing
Champion of New South Wales.
Thanks, Burt. Okay boys, hit it.
Di-di-la-di-ling-ta-ling-ta-ling
Di-di-la, ching-ching,
ba-ching-ching, ba-ching
(tube clattering)
That girl is waiting by the phone
Waiting by the phone
Leaves her boyfriend all alone
Is he all alone or in another's bed
In another's bed
With a lady giving head
Lady giving head
And she's worried
'Cause she knows
He's got the secret
(foot tapping)
(girls laughing)
I got the secret
To love
I got the secret
(alarm buzzing briefly)
- Oh!
To love
(buttons clicking)
("The Ride of the Valkyries")
(both laughing)
(buttons clicking)
("The Ride of the Valkyries" continues)
(set rumbling)
(dog howling)
(robot whirring)
("The Ride of the Valkyries" continues)
(Sharon and Eva laughing)
("The Ride of the Valkyries" continues)
- Who is it?
Who's up there?
You're trapped, you
know, there's no way out.
- I'd say Mr. Pizzy's
presentation is good,
very spunky in his kingy
overalls, six out of 10.
- It's nice to hear such
sensitive lyrics, five and a half.
- Very funny.
- He's won for himself a beauty treatment
from Alfonso of Fitz Street.
- You're trespassing, you know that?
- We're judging.
- Well, you'd better come down then.
- Come and get us.
- All right.
- When you get to the top, I'm
gonna jump on your fingers.
- I could call the
security guard, you know.
- We'll go down, tell him
we were just looking around.
- [Brendan] I could
call the security guard,
you know.
- Okay, we're coming.
- Do you mind?
- No.
- Rehearsing for your show?
- What are you doing here?
- I work here too, remember?
- Do you often stay behind after?
- Not often.
- Hi, Brendan.
- Yeah, I hope you had a good laugh.
- Don't worry, we sing ourselves.
We're doing a song on "My
Banks On Your Talent Quest."
- I'll have to come along.
You want a sandwich?
- [Sharon] What sort are they?
- Cheese and beetroot.
- Oh, yuck!
- I've got a key to a bar.
- Sly drinker, are you?
- I like a bit on the side.
- Don't be too cocky.
- There's two of us, you know.
- It's okay, he's double jointed.
- Jog five miles home every morning, I do.
- Yeah, we know, Welterweight
Champion of New South Wales.
Thanks, Burt, thanks, everybody.
- Don't provoke him, Sharon.
- No, it's all right, I
don't mind being provoked,
so long as you two can
handle the consequences.
- Don't think we'd have too much trouble.
- They've started, the idiots, it's on!
- How many more are up there?
- The state of war
exists in Europe.
- It's on!
- What is?
- NATO and Warsaw Pact-
- The war, Goddammit!
- Are locked in battle.
- World War fucking Three!
- [Newsreader] The East
and West German borders
and unconfirmed reports talk
of massive tank engagements
and tactical nuclear
weapons already being used.
But at this stage, hopes are high,
that the conflict will
be a limited scenario
confined to the Central European Theatre.
- What does that mean?
- I reckon we'll be okay.
- What about Europe?
- There'll just be Germany for a start!
- That's Sam, by the way, Brendan.
- How do we know it's not going to spread?
- Nothing personal, but
they're not gonna waste bombs
on this place!
- Well, thanks a lot.
- I just mean you're not
of strategic significance!
- [Newsreader] Both sides
have accused each other-
- You had anything to do
with the Mars Bar wrappers
lying around the stage every night?
- You probably know this place real good.
Is there a shower around here?
I've been having to use the wash basin.
- Who lights your match on showers?
- What's wrong with them?
- Washes off your natural oils.
My brother only washes once a month,
natural odour turns women on
without them even knowing it.
- Oh, yeah.
- Is that what you do?
- I don't need to.
- Your brother does okay for himself, huh?
- They can't help themselves.
- What's he look like?
- Ugly, you wouldn't
credit he was my brother.
- Ssh, turn it up.
- [Newsreader] At North West Cape.
(soft tense music)
All people in the greater Sydney area
are to stay inside their houses.
Further instructions will
be broadcast shortly.
An address to the nation
by the Prime Minister
is expected in the next few minutes.
We repeat, a short time ago,
nuclear devices struck an
unspecified target south of Sydney
and the US base at North West Cape.
(button clicking)
(melancholic orchestral music)
- Near Sydney?
- I thought this was the place to go.
- Well, we'd better get out!
- You're not allowed outside,
didn't you hear?
- No, it must be fallout.
- Well, what do we do?
- We just have to wait.
- I'm gonna try and ring home.
(melancholic orchestral music)
- We've gotta get them
through this, you know, Sam.
- Yeah, I know, it's up to us.
- We've gotta be solid, right?
- Right.
- If they see it getting to us,
they could become hysterical.
- Right
- How do you feel?
- Calm.
- Good one.
(dramatic orchestral music)
- [Newsreader] It's
possible that US forces
fired on the giant-
- Hello,
I want to make a call to
Glasgow and reverse the charges.
(background people chattering)
(dramatic orchestral music)
- [Newsreader] I understand
we have more news now
on the situation.
(dramatic orchestral music)
(air raid siren wailing)
- Thank God.
- Listen to that siren.
(phone tapping)
- It's making a buzzing noise.
Oh, there must be something wrong with it.
- Probably jammed.
(receiver clattering)
- We could all die.
(air raid siren wailing)
God, I hope Mum and Dad are all right.
- Don't worry, they'll be okay.
- They won't know what's
going on, especially Mum,
her English is hopeless, I wish
I could see them, tell them.
(air raid siren wailing)
- Well, I guess we're
stuck with those two.
- (sighing) If I was gonna be
wrecked on a desert island,
they wouldn't be my first choice.
- Mine neither.
- [Announcer] This is not a drill.
All personnel to report to
the green room immediately.
Close all windows and doors,
repeat, this is not a drill.
All personnel to report to
the green room immediately.
- We stay here.
- Yeah.
- Solid.
Solid, right?
- Yeah, solid.
(soft orchestral music)
(soft orchestral music continues)
(air raid siren wailing)
- Only an hour to midnight.
- What a way to start the new year.
- Well, I guess we should
try and cheer them up.
- Have our own private party?
- [Both] Good luck.
- She'll be right.
- Yeah, she'll be apples.
- How about your folks?
- I haven't seen them in years.
Ward of the state, I was,
you know, bit of a crim.
- Oh, shit.
- Guess you can't ring home.
- Where do you live?
- Don't know at the moment.
(vice handle rattling)
- Give us your guitar, Pierce.
- Why?
- Oh, come on, I just
wanna have a go of it.
(guitar strings twanging)
(guitar cracking)
(thug laughing)
Oh, well, it'll, it'll save the world
from any more of your bloody
awful singing, Pierce.
You're weak as piss, Pierce,
weak,
as,
piss.
(thug laughing)
- You think about it, nuclear bombs.
If there's a kid from outer space
doing a school project on human beings,
he'd have to say we're all crazy.
- [Sharon] We'll try again in a while.
(Brendan wolf whistling)
- Check that out.
- Something's wrong with the phones,
we can't even get onto
Service Difficulties.
- Oh, they'll be overloaded,
every man and his dog
will be trying to get through.
- So we just have to wait.
- There's a pack of cards.
- Only game I know is Strip Poker.
- [Sharon] Typical.
- What does radiation do to you?
- You die a lingering death.
- Great.
- It takes years unless you're
right in the middle of it.
- Can anything survive?
- Only mutations.
- My second toe is longer than my big one.
- So is mine.
- So is-
- So is mine.
(Sam laughing)
- We're normal, that's our problem.
- Scorpions can survive,
that's another one.
- My star sign.
- Hey, that's a good idea,
what's everyone else?
- Virgo, but don't tell
me, I don't wanna know.
- Well, that's bullshit,
all that stuff is.
- Oh, you'd know, that's for sure.
(thunder rumbling loudly)
(soft tense music)
- Sharon's is, "Make the
most of your opportunities.
They may not come again."
Oh no.
- What's yours?
- "Today's a particularly bad
day for travel, watch out."
- It's true, if you
travelled outside, we'd be...
- Eliminated.
(soft tense music)
- [Both] Right.
- And Virgo?
No, don't tell me.
- Virgo is, "You have a tendency
to put off 'til tomorrow
what you could do today, but
tomorrow may be too late."
- Stupid, I never wanna know those things.
- What's yours?
- Capricorn.
- Capricorn is, "An
opportunity will come your way
to meet a strange man."
- Hey, that must be you.
Well, what about lifelines?
If we all suddenly stop,
we know we're in trouble.
- Here we go, what if you haven't got one?
- Everyone's got one.
What huge hands, must be a throwback.
Gee!
- Give us a look.
- [Brendan] What? Ow!
- Wow.
- Well, tell me.
- It doesn't matter.
- What is it?
- Did you have a depressed childhood?
- No.
- Are any of your relatives mad?
- No.
- Pity.
- Why?
- Doesn't matter.
- Maybe you'll be lucky
in your next incarnation.
- Do you suppose it'll depend
on what you do in this life
as to what you become in the next?
- Yeah, that's one of those
Eastern religions says,
if you lead a good life, you
go up the evolutionary ladder
and if you're evil, you go down the drain.
- That's where I'll be.
- What?
- Probably be demoted several rungs.
Probably end up a cockroach.
- Actually, you'll be okay
if you're a cockroach,
they're immune to radiation,
the same as scorpions.
- Great world it'll be,
cockroaches, scorpions and ghosts.
(soft tense music)
(button clicking)
- All emergency services
are now being coordinated to
face what the Prime Minister
described as, "The gravest
situation in our history."
But in spite of these
flagrant attacks on our soil,
it seems likely that the war
is to be mainly confined
to the European theatre
and the strikes against US
installations around the world
are simply part of precautionary measures
the superpowers have taken
to safeguard themselves
against the threat of the
first strike scenario.
The device that struck
south of Jervis Bay.
(soft recorder music)
- Whoo!
- [Newsreader] Understand
that radiation levels
are now being monitored
and the ABC will be
issuing regular bulletins.
In the meantime, the situation
in Europe remains confused.
(button clicking)
- My grandparents.
- Where are they?
- Czechoslovakia.
- Maybe it won't reach there.
- Millions of people could be dead.
- We don't know that,
it could be all hype.
- Where were you when they
were giving out the brains?
- Well, they wouldn't tell us
what was going on, would they?
- Well, where are you going?
- I've got a key to the bar, remember?
- How can you think about having a drink?
- He's probably right, Eva,
there's nothing we can do.
(Eva sighing)
- You okay?
- Yeah, we can get some
rations on the way.
(cocktail sloshing)
- What are you making?
- My special.
I now declare this meeting open.
Managing director's salary
is gonna be doubled.
All those in favour say aye.
Aye, the ayes have it.
This will put hairs on your chest.
Come on, skol.
- Actually, it doesn't taste too bad.
- I think it tastes like
raw egg and sump oil.
- Oh, all we need now is some Spanish fly.
- Typical.
- Can't get it in Australia though.
- How do you know?
- He's looked everywhere.
- What's Spanish Fly?
- Aphrodisiac, it's a sex stimulant.
I read this book once,
reckoned you could become
a nymphomaniac if you weren't too careful.
- [Girl] Cucumber and curried eggs.
- Peanut butter and royal jelly.
- [All] Oh, Shaz! (laughing)
- Oh, you want some, do you, Gilmore?
Let me at him!
(girls laughing)
Let me at him!
Gilmore, Gilmore!
- I tried giving Beverly
Glassup a whole bunch
of smoked oyster sandwiches
once, didn't help much.
- Ah, you'd have been a
real grot school, I reckon,
bet you used to write dirty
poems in the girls' toilets.
- How'd you know?
- 'Cause you've got shifty eyes.
- Actually, I just about got
kicked out for that once,
when I was seven.
- What did you write?
- "Little Tommy Tittle-Arse
was crawling through the long grass,
came across a circus,
lifted up the canvas,
saw a lady's bare arse,
jabbed it with a compass,
wasn't that ridiculous of
Little Tommy Tittle-Arse?"
- Ah, that's pathetic,
ours were far more classy.
We did one at school once wasn't bad.
"Old King Cole had a 40-foot pole
and he showed it to the lady next door."
- Lovely.
- "She thought it was a
snake and hit it with a rake
and now it's only two foot four."
So watch it, mate.
- God, women are cruel.
- Well, men have got one-track minds.
- Well, it's just the way we're built.
When I see a woman in a low-cut dress,
I actually feel physical pain.
- You're off.
- Probably wears his pants too tight.
- You're off too, Sharon.
(both laughing)
- He's right, I feel pain too.
- Yeah.
- Well, all I can say
is you both sound like
a pair of desperates.
- Yeah.
- Everybody's the same
underneath, it's just the
thin veneer of civilization
is holding us back.
- Oh, thank God for the
thin veneer of civilization.
- Well, women are different
than men, you know,
you're just talking about men.
- Same difference.
- Rubbish!
- We've all got an animal self somewhere.
- Where's yours?
- You want me to give you a demo?
- No, thanks.
- Give it a miss.
- Couldn't cope, eh?
- It's all just pipes anyway.
- [Brendan] What?
- The difference between the sexes.
- What?
- Well, that's what Mrs.
McCreedy used to say at school.
- Men and women have different plumbing.
(class laughing)
Now then, girls,
come on, settle down.
Settle down.
(girls laughing)
Who did that?
(girls laughing)
Well, come on, who did it?
- Little did she know, we used
to put up the male centrefold
in the toilets every month.
- I thought about being a male centrefold.
(Eva laughing)
- Who'd wanna pin you up?
- You'd be surprised.
- I heard about this
couple once had Spanish fly
and they couldn't stop.
- Yeah.
- What happened?
- They were both found
dead in each other's arms.
- What a way to go.
- Two weeks later.
(Brendan laughing)
- God, you're morbid, isn't he morbid?
You ought to work in a morgue,
that way you could crack
jokes to all the stiffs.
- Hey, it's two minutes to 12.
(Sharon laughing)
- Let's go out front.
- What about the radiation?
- I know where there's some umbrellas,
would've died down by now,
we'll just go out for a bit.
At midnight, there'll
be fireworks and all,
everyone will be hooting their horns.
- [Sharon] There'll be
no one in their cars.
- Of course, there will be.
(soft tense music)
(dog barking in distance)
- God, it's so quiet.
- You wait, in half a minute's time.
- Turn the radio on.
(button clicking)
- Here in the studio,
we're listening to fragments
of news coming from Europe
and the United States
and from here, Australia.
I feel a sense of
powerlessness and disbelief
and so as the final seconds
of the old year tick away,
I think all of us might say
a few private words in prayer
to ask that the new year might bring peace
and an end to the madness of war.
(wind blowing)
(church bells chiming)
(time signal beeping)
(church bells chiming)
(thunder rumbling in distance)
- Let's go back inside.
- God, nothing happening.
- Told you.
- Hey, there's a rabbit.
(wind blowing)
- Must be the one they were looking for.
- Would've been out here all
night, just don't touch it.
- Don't be so cruel.
Come on, rabbit.
- We'd better go in.
- Come on.
- It's not fair.
Doesn't know what's going on, poor thing.
("Auld Lang Syne" bagpipe music)
(wind blowing)
("Auld Lang Syne" bagpipe music continues)
- Good evening and
Happy New Year, suckers.
(button clicking)
(solemn orchestral music)
You'd think they'd have
decent music on somewhere.
(solemn orchestral music)
(melodic upbeat music)
- Shit!
Monday morning feels so bad
(film projector whirring)
Everybody seems to nag me
Coming Tuesday I'll feel better
(all laughing)
Even my old man looks good
Wednesday just don't go
Thursday goes too slow
I've got Friday on my mind
Gonna have fun in the city
Be with my girl, she's so pretty
She looks fine tonight
She is out of sight to me
I'll spend my bread tonight
I'll lose my head tonight
I've got to get to night
(all laughing)
Monday, I'll have Friday on my mind
Do the five-day grind once more
I know of nothing else that bugs me
More than working for the rich man
Hey, I'll change that scene one day
Today I might be mad
Tomorrow I'll be glad
'Cause I'll have Friday on my mind
I'm gonna have fun in the city
Be with my girl, she's so pretty
She looks fine tonight
She is out of sight to me
Tonight, I'll spend my bread, tonight
I'll lose my head, tonight
I've got to get to night
Monday, I'll have Friday on my mind
Gonna have fun in the city
Be with my girl, she's so pretty
I'm gonna have fun in the city
Be with my girl, she's so pretty
(door clicking)
(footsteps thudding)
- Quick, someone's coming!
Come on, hurry.
(door thudding)
(dramatic orchestral music)
- Where do you think you're going?
- [Sam] Ah, nowhere.
- Come on, Craig.
Snowy!
- [Craig] Snowy!
(dramatic orchestral music continues)
- [Actress] Snowy!
- [Craig] Snowy!
(door clicking)
- It is feared,
that civilian populations
in a number of German cities
have already suffered grievous casualties.
Another report just to hand and
we confirm the earlier news,
that nuclear devices have
struck the US installations
at Nurrungar, Pine Gap and North West Cape
and that a fourth device hit south
of the Sydney metropolitan area
shortly before 11 o'clock
Eastern Standard time.
("Sonata in C Minor: The 94th Psalm")
(dramatic organ music continues)
- It's great!
- It's creepy!
I'm going back to the stage.
(dramatic organ music continues)
- They look nice.
- They're wonderful.
At least they'll be okay in the country.
They'll be so worried about me though.
- When did you come out to Australia?
- When I was 14.
- Parents happy here?
- They love it.
"Ormolu and saw an operetta,
the emu whose name was H-Hugh
and Drew the Irish setter,
(students laughing)
cooked a stew with tars and glue
and watched a wonga etta."
(students cheering)
- I know you boys are hard up,
but can't you grow up a bit too?
- [Students] Whoo! (laughing)
- None of the phones are working at all.
Look, don't worry, we'll be okay.
- I know. (laughing)
- I think we should be doing
something constructive.
- We can play cards.
- Okay, if Brendan wants
to play Strip Poker,
let's play Strip Poker.
- What?
- [Sharon] Come on.
- Where?
- We've got to get ready.
- [Eva] Sharon.
- You see, men and women are
basically after the same thing.
Women just don't wanna let you know,
otherwise it destroys their mystique.
(girls laughing)
- You know something?
You're very perceptive
about women, you know that?
(cards shuffling)
- I like them,
simple as that.
- Wonder who started the war.
- It doesn't matter much,
they're all bastards.
- [Eva] Who?
- The generals or whoever they are,
the Russian and American Presidents.
- Yeah, they're probably about
95, they've had their fun.
- Doubt whether they've had much.
- I keep thinking I'm dreaming,
that I'm going to wake up at any moment.
- If I was dreaming someone,
he wouldn't look anything
like Brendan Pizzy.
Well, maybe just a little bit.
- No, he'd look more like a cross
between John McEnroe
and Sylvester Stallone.
- Oh, don't tell me your problems.
(both laughing)
- [Sam] What do you think
they're doing in there?
- Putting on makeup.
- Where?
- Wherever.
- You think so?
- Sure, they wanna make a good impression.
They fancy us.
- Maybe we should ring them.
- What are you, chicken or something?
- I just,
don't want them to see Mr. Snakey.
(cards shuffling)
- Haven't you got any sense of honour?
- No.
- Me neither.
- [Sharon] Off with their heads!
- One, two, three, off!
- Bloody hell!
(both laughing)
God save our gracious Queen
Long live our noble
Queen, God save our Queen
Send her victorious,
happy and glorious
Long to reign over
us, God save our Queen
- What's this?
- Nothing, what?
We were cold, that's all.
- That's cheating.
- Oh, let's just get
this show on the road.
- [Brendan] Oh, that's not fair.
- Okay, here goes nothing.
- Whoo hoo!
- Oh, no!
- [Brendan] Beauty.
(girls laughing)
- Oh, come on.
- What's wrong with that?
- That's jewellery, not clothing.
- [Eva] Rubbish.
(thunder rumbling)
- If we are gonna snuff it, I
wish I'd have been overseas.
That's one thing I really wish.
- Yeah, it's pretty good.
- Where have you been?
- Hayman Island, Tasmania.
- Oh, that's not overseas.
- Yes, it is, they're over the sea.
- They're still Australia.
(Eva laughing)
- Paris is where I'd like to
have been, must be beautiful.
- Maybe you'll still be able to go.
Maybe I'll take you.
- I'd want to go with a Frenchman,
someone who could show me around.
- You speak French too, do you?
- You don't have to understand
what they say, you just know.
- I was there once, ship
was on a goodwill visit.
A few of us caught the train to Paris.
(soft orchestral music)
Met these French sailors, we got drunk.
There's this blonde girl.
Sunset, we went down to this island
in the middle of the river,
bottle of wine,
one of them long loaves of bread.
(soft orchestral music)
You just sit there in the dusk
watching the lights coming on
and the tourist boats gliding past,
like something outta "Star Wars."
(soft orchestral music)
- Sounds wonderful.
- Yeah.
- They couldn't have
done that, could they,
wiped all that out?
- It's your turn.
- Well, at least everyone dies in the end.
Well, like if you knew some
people were gonna keep going,
while the rest of us snuffed
it, you'd be really pissed off.
- I wonder where Princess Di is.
- They'd have their own fallout shelter.
- Oh, come on, they'd have
an underground palace.
- No, no, the corgis would have
their own underground kennel.
(all laughing)
(Sam imitating seal honking)
(Brendan imitating cockerel crowing)
(all laughing)
(Brendan imitating monkey)
(electricity buzzing)
(Eva screaming)
- [Sam] Hold on, take it easy,
let's listen to the radio.
Come on.
(button clicking)
- [Newsreader] Use
essential lighting only,
we repeat, use essential lighting only,
(missile roaring)
(Eva screaming)
- What the hell's that?
(Sharon screaming)
- What are they?
- They must be for emergencies.
(robot whirring quietly)
Bastard.
- God, this is getting spooky.
- I thought we were going to be bombed.
- Well, what are we gonna do?
- Just keep playing.
- Let's have another drink.
- You should ease up a bit,
you'll be under the table soon.
- I always know when I've had enough.
(gentle orchestral music)
(wings fluttering)
(birds squawking)
(soft orchestral music)
(soft orchestral music continues)
I always know my capacity.
- Yeah, by me having to carry you home.
- Yeah, I know, Sharon,
you're always so together.
(melancholic orchestral music)
- Well, it's been good.
- Yeah.
- Right, well,
I'll see you later.
- Bye.
- Bye.
(melancholic orchestral music continues)
- Sharon, I'm home!
- I'm just in here,
I'll be out in a minute.
(electricity buzzing)
- Thank God.
- It's incredible, this place.
- Gives me the creeps, it's so quiet.
Boo!
(Eva laughing)
(Brendan laughing)
- Buildings like this are full of rays,
'cause all the people who've been in them.
- Stingrays?
- No, rays,
people give off rays.
When you're angry or
worked up or whatever,
they get stronger, that's
why I can really feel them
in places like churches and that,
'cause people been having
intense experiences
there for centuries.
- Yeah, I know what you mean.
- That's really interesting.
Don't often have conversations like this.
- [Sharon] Well, whose turn is it?
- Eva just lost.
- The way this game's going,
weird, I haven't lost once.
- Then why are you taking something off?
- I'm just feeling hot,
that's all, any objections?
God, Eva.
- I can't help it.
- We're not doing so
well either, remember.
- Can I borrow something of yours?
- No way!
- Hm-hm.
- Haven't you ever seen girls
on the beach before, Brendan?
Hey, what did the hat, no, what
did the bra say to the hat?
- What?
- You go on ahead and I'll give
these two a lift. (laughing)
(Brendan laughing)
- Look, I don't wanna play
this anymore, this is stupid.
There's a war going on and
all we can think of doing
is playing Strip Poker, it's pathetic.
- I don't really wanna
play anymore either.
(Sam sighing)
- [Sam] I wonder what it's
really like to be dead.
- That's right, cheer us.
- Maybe it's really
quiet, like this place.
- I thought you believed in God.
- I do.
(solemn organ music)
Well, I think I do.
Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart
Be all else but naught
to me, save that thou art
Be thou my best thought
by day or by night
Waking and sleeping,
thy presence my light
- I remember the first time somebody died.
There was this old doctor
living on our block,
he always wore a red bow tie.
One day, he died in the bath.
(light melodic music)
Didn't find him for about a month.
I wanted to know if they had to dress him
before they buried him and if
they'd remember his bow tie.
(Eva laughing)
- What are those things
on your pants, Brendan?
- What?
- Look! (laughing)
- [Brendan] Ants.
- Thought you'd have scorpions.
- Yeah, then they'd be radiation proof.
- Okay, let's finish it.
- Are you sure?
- Yes, Sam, I'm sure.
- Let's play Strip Poker.
Whoo hoo, feeling a bit nervous?
- He's not shy, are you, Brendan?
Flasher from way back, how'd that song go?
Ah.
I got his secret
I got the secret to life
I got the secret
- Hm. (laughing)
(girls laughing)
- [Both] Whoo hoo!
- [Eva] Get them off.
- Ah, well, nothing to be ashamed of.
(Sharon howling)
(all sniggering quietly)
Don't ring me, I'll ring you.
- Well, that's it then,
I'll take these back.
- [Eva] I'm gonna try and ring again.
(girls laughing)
- What happened?
- I don't know.
- Did I frighten them off or something?
- You must.
(girls laughing)
- Yeah, well, it was probably
just a change of mood.
Women are more hung up than men, you know,
they've got different body clocks.
DMR, DMA or whatever it is,
biorhythms and that.
- Sometimes, I think it'd be better
if there was just one sex.
- Which one?
- Mixture, I suppose.
- It's being in the Navy
gives you ideas like that.
You wanna keep an eye on yourself.
- I think I'll go see how Eva's doing.
("Gymnopedie No.1")
- Sharon.
("Gymnopedie No.1" continues)
Shit.
("Gymnopedie No.1" continues)
- What's wrong with you?
- I didn't know where you were.
- What's happening?
- Doesn't sound too good.
("Gymnopedie No.1" continues)
- Cheer up.
- What for?
- Where are the others?
- Trying to ring out, I suppose.
Did you have a good laugh?
- What?
- When I lost at cards.
- How's the complete gymnast?
I bet you wouldn't wanna go
with me if I looked like this.
- I'd go out with you
for your personality.
- That's better, you had
me worried for a minute.
- What do you do with noses?
- The Eskimos have got it all worked out.
("Gymnopedie No.1" continues)
- Can't you do it?
Thought you were double jointed.
(zipper whirring)
- God, that's an erotic sound.
- Stop raving.
("Gymnopedie No.1" continues)
I'm scared too.
- Yeah.
- I suppose we should make
the most of it in case.
- Right.
("Gymnopedie No.1" continues)
- Whoo!
(robot whirring quietly)
(feet tapping)
Hey. (applauding)
- I used to have lessons
when I was small in Prague,
I should have kept doing them.
- Say something in Czechoslovakian.
(Eva speaking in Czech)
What's that mean?
- I hope all this with
the war is just a dream.
(robot whirring quietly)
(robot thudding to ground)
(robot whirring creakily)
(Eva hiccuping)
- Home, sweet home.
(baby crying nearby)
Hey, take a seat.
I'll just go tell Mom you're here.
Is it ready?
- Sure.
- [Sam] Thanks a lot, Mom.
(sirens wailing in distance)
(Sam's Mom belching quietly)
- Whoops!
Excuse me, indigestion.
(Sam's Mom belching quietly)
Excuse me.
(Sam's Mom belching quietly)
(all laughing quietly)
(Sam sighing)
- Here we are
in the back row.
- Not on a Saturday night.
- Do you mind?
- No.
- [Sharon] Where are my pants?
- Souvenir by Hamlet, knicker
snatcher from way back.
- Oh, yours are probably
on the way out the door
being dragged by the ants.
- Gee, you're funny.
- Will you do me up?
- [Brendan] It's a beautiful
tapestry, your back.
(zipper whirring)
- Maybe I could get to like you, you know,
even without a war.
- Don't force yourself.
- I won't.
(phone dialer whirring)
(engaged tone beeping)
(receiver clattering)
(soft tense music)
(button clicking)
- Earlier this evening, we
showed an interrupted report
from Europe via satellite,
since then, as I told you,
there's been a virtual
communication blackout.
Although fragmentary reports confirm
unprecedented devastation
in West and East Germany,
Poland and Czechoslovakia.
Further information confirms that London,
huge areas of central
and southeastern England
and the industrial areas
of France, including Paris,
have virtually ceased to exist.
The following transmission
lasted only a few minutes
and then stopped, we
believe it came from an area
northwest of New York.
(people screaming)
(solemn orchestral music)
(helicopter whirring)
(people screaming)
(sirens wailing in distance)
(explosions booming)
(solemn orchestral music continues)
(people screaming)
(sirens wailing)
(solemn orchestral music continues)
(solemn orchestral music continues)
(soft recorder music)
(air raid siren wailing)
(thunder rumbling)
- Even the sun wouldn't wanna come up.
(air raid siren wailing)
(thunder rumbling)
- Hey.
- It's okay.
- Eva.
Hey, there's a TV.
- It's not working, I tried.
Come on, let's go to the others.
- Hey, let's not tell the others
what it looked like out there, okay?
- Okay.
- Good evening, ladies and gentlemen
and welcome to "Any Requests!"
- Coming to you live from sunny Sydney.
Contestants number 44, Brendan
Pizzy and Sharon Smith.
- I'd just like to say
hi to my girlfriend, Eva,
who's sitting up the back there somewhere.
- Stand up, Eva.
- Hi, darling.
- You ready?
One, two, three.
Da da da da da, oh oh oh oh
Da da da da da, oh oh oh oh
Da da da da da
(both laughing)
Da da da da da
Oh!
(both laughing)
- Stop it!
(Eva sobbing)
Eva, it's okay.
- It's not (sobbing).
- What?
- It was horrible.
- Eva.
- The television in the office. (sobbing)
The people, you couldn't even
tell they were people anymore.
They'd been burnt alive,
they were screaming,
their skin was hanging from their faces.
You couldn't even tell they were people,
(sobbing) children, everyone screaming.
I didn't want to tell you.
- Yeah, but that's not gonna
happen here though, is it?
- Well, how do we know? We
don't know what's going on.
- Maybe we should pray.
- Look, if there was a God,
he'd help us anyway, wouldn't he?
Why would he wait until we pray?
- Don't, stop talking like that.
- A lot of people would've been praying,
where you saw those pictures coming from.
Didn't help them much, did it?
- It's people who've done it though!
- Come on, we gotta keep it together.
- Let's just try and
be okay to each other.
- [Announcer] Word's just come through,
that we're to move down to the
nearest underground station
as quickly as possible.
- Go on!
(footsteps thudding)
(tense melodic music)
- [Brendan] Take your shoes off.
(sky rumbling)
(mellow upbeat music)
(mellow upbeat music continues)
(water gushing)
(people shrieking)
(mellow upbeat music)
(people shouting)
Short memory, must have a
Short memory, must have a
If you read the history books
You'll see the same things
happen again and again
Repeat, repeat, short memory,
it's all gonna be the same
Got a short, got a short,
got a short, got a short
Oh, why, why, why, short memory
They've got a short
memory, must have a
(soft tense music)
(background people chattering)
Well
I can't begin to lose
I woke up this morning
My man had gone
So had my money
(background people chattering)
- I don't know what you're
supposed to do in life,
but whatever it is, I
don't reckon I've done it.
- Me neither.
(background people chattering)
("The Blue Danube Waltz"
by Johann Strauss)
- My mother was a ballroom dancer.
I used to get taken along
to watch when I was tiny.
I don't even know
whatever happened to her.
(melancholic orchestral music)
(soft orchestral music)
- You okay?
- Yeah.
(soft orchestral music continues)
(soft recorder music)
- Nothing's happened yet.
Maybe it's a false alarm.
Blues
All those long damn blues
(crowd applauding)
- Okay, everyone,
let's hear it for Frankie!
Have we got any other musicians here?
- Hey, you could do your song?
- Yeah, that'd probably cheer us up.
- No.
- Come on.
- Over here!
- Terrific, stand up so we can see you!
(crowd applauding)
The weather here has
been as nice as it can be
Although it doesn't
really matter much to me
For all the fun I'll have
while you're so far away
It might as well rain until September
I don't need sunny skies
for things I have to do
For I stay home the whole day long
(electricity buzzing)
And think of you
For all the fun I'll have
while you're so far away
It might as well rain until September
(missile rumbling)
(people screaming)
My friends look forward to
their picnics on the beach
Yes, everybody loves the summertime
But you know, darling while
your arms are out of reach
The summer isn't any friend of mine
(missile rumbling)
(people screaming)
It doesn't matter whether
skies are grey or blue
It's raining in my heart
'cause I can't be with you
I'm only living for the
day you're home to stay
So it might as well
rain until September
September
So it might as well
rain until September
(match striking)
(missile rumbling)
Kum ba yah, my Lord, kum ba yah
Kum ba yah, my Lord, kum ba yah
Kum ba yah
(wind blowing)
All we are saying
Is give peace a chance
All we are saying
Is give peace a chance
All we are saying
Is give peace a chance
Get up, stand up, get up, stand up
Stand up for your right,
stand up for your right
Get up, stand up
Don't give up the fight,
don't give up the fight
Get up, stand up, get up, stand up
Stand up for your right,
stand up for your right
Get up, stand up, get up, stand up
Don't give up the fight,
don't give up the fight
Get up, stand up, get up, stand up
Stand up for your right,
stand up for your right
(wind blowing)
We shall overcome
We shall overcome
We shall live in peace
We shall live in peace someday
Oh, deep in my heart
I do believe
We shall live in peace someday
We shall live in peace
We shall live in peace
(wind blowing)
(protestors chanting)
- [Protestors] Call the
Russians, call the Yanks,
take their weapons off them!
Call the Russians, call the Yanks,
take their weapons off them!
Don't give up the fight,
don't give up the fight
Get up, stand up, get up, stand up
Stand up for your right,
stand up for your right
Get up, stand up, get up, stand up
Don't give up the fight,
don't give up the fight
(soft tense music)
What should I write
What can I say
How can I tell you how much I miss you
The weather here has
been as nice as it can be
Although it doesn't
really matter much to me
For all the fun I'll have
while you're so far away
It might as well rain until September
I don't need sunny skies
for things I have to do
'Cause I stay home the whole
day long and think of you
As far as I'm concerned
each day's a rainy day
So it might as well
rain until September
My friends look forward to
their picnics on the beach
Yes, everybody loves the summertime
Oh, but you know, darling while
your arms are out of reach
The summer isn't any friend of mine
It doesn't matter whether
skies are grey or blue
It's raining in my heart
'cause I can't be with you
I'm only living for the
day you're home to stay
So it might as well
rain until September
(Santas laughing)
September
September
Oh, it might as well
rain until September
- [Sharon] Creep.
- [Both] Lunch break.
- "Francis McAfferty
is 35 and well groomed,
into home life, listening to soft music,
barbecues and occasional outings.
Seek sincere and caring woman
to 28, preferably blonde."
- Lovely.
- "And faithful."
- No such thing.
- "Kids okay, but allergic to cats."
- [Eva] Hm, pity, might've
snapped him up, hm.
- "Bruised and depressed
Marcus Mann, age 48,
seeks energetic feminist to rekindle-"
- Hi girls.
- Twins.
- God, Rudolph.
- No, Brendan.
- And Tony.
- Well, who's which?
- Come out with us tonight and
we'll expose our real selves.
- No, thanks, you might look like
the "Creature From the Black Lagoon."
- We're actually very handsome.
- Modest too.
- Doing anything tonight?
- Decorating the Christmas tree.
- We've got tender skin,
can't stand beards.
- Oh, don't worry, we'll shave.
- Could be bad for business.
- Yeah, this must be
your best time of year.
- They do Easter Bunnies
in the off season.
- I actually work down there sometimes.
I'm a singer.
- I haven't seen you,
I'm an usherette there.
- Oh, I've got a show coming up.
- Okay, how about it?
(Sharon and Eva laughing)
- Can you handle it?
(Sharon and Eva laughing)
- A lot of women would
give their right arm
for an opportunity like this.
- Wow.
- You're not allergic to cats, are you?
- [Protestors] US bases out now!
- Thanks, fans, thank you.
- [Protestors] US bases out now!
US bases out now!
- What are they carrying
on about this time?
- I don't know.
- [Protestors] US bases out now!
US bases out now!
US bases out now!
US bases out now!
- Whoo hoo!
- US bases out now!
- What's he doing?
- US bases out now!
- What you doing, wussy?
- US bases out now!
- [Sailor] You wanna put
us out of business, wussy?
- [Sailor] Oh, that's
really subversive, wussy.
- US bases out now!
- Whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo!
(soft tense music)
- US bases out now!
US bases out now!
US bases out now!
US bases out now!
(waves lapping)
(Sharon and Eva laughing)
- So what do you think we
should do about tonight?
- Young, beautiful bank teller
and plain usherette disappear.
Phantom Father Christmases strike again!
- Oh, they weren't that bad.
- I thought yours was a bit up himself.
- What do you mean yours?
- The one who was sitting next to you.
- We'll toss, okay.
- Okay.
- Well, at least we know
they've got good taste,
following us all that way.
- True and mine did look
a bit like Richard Gere.
(mellow melodic music)
(car rumbling quietly)
Heads, I get Richard Gere.
- Tails, I suppose I get the throwback.
(hand slapping)
Da da
(car doors thudding)
(mellow melodic music)
(audience cheering)
(mellow upbeat music)
Conquistador of Mexico
The Zulu and the Navajo
The Belgians in the
Congo, short memory
Plantation in Virginia
The Raj in British India
The deadline in South
Africa, short memory
The story of El Salvador
The silence of Hiroshima
Destruction of Cambodia, short memory
Short memory, must have a
Short memory
Short memory, must have a
Short memory
The sight of hotels by the Nile
The designated Hilton style
- Rock and roll!
- What?
With running water specially
bought, short memory
- You should be dancing!
- I don't dance!
A smallish man, Afghanistan
A watch dog in a nervous land
They're only there to
lend a hand, short memory
The friendly five, a dusty smile
Wake up in sweat at dead of night
And in the tents, new
rifles, hey, short memory
(audience cheering)
Short memory, must have a
Short memory
Short memory, must have a
Short memory
Short memory, must have a
Short memory
(mellow upbeat music)
(audience cheering)
Short memory, must have a
Short memory, must have a
If you read the history books
You'll see the same things
happen again and again
Repeat, repeat short memory,
it's always gonna be the same
They've all got short
memory, oh, why, why, why
Short memory
Got a short memory, must have a
(audience cheering)
(soft tense music)
(car rumbling quietly)
- This where you bring all your victims?
- I just come here for the view.
- It's much more comfortable in the back.
- Oh, I'm happy here, thanks.
- I don't like your chances.
Well, not on the first night?
- What's wrong with the first night?
- Maybe it's bad luck.
- I reckon it's good luck,
means you can't stop yourself.
- I've got heaps of self-control.
- Pity.
(musical car horn blaring)
(ship horn blasting)
- Must've heard my S.O.S.
(boat horns blasting)
(revellers cheering)
- Sounds like the whole world's doing it.
- Except us, are you gonna drive me home?
- Well, what do you wanna go home for?
- To hear the Lotto.
- It's just money these days.
It's all anyone's interested in.
(Sharon laughing)
(birds squawking)
- The Secretary General
of the United Nations
today appealed for calm and reason
in the face of the
deteriorating political crisis
in Central America.
"The situation," he said,
"had brought the world to
the brink of oblivion."
- Have you been a Father Christmas before?
- Accusations.
- No.
- [Newsreader] And counter accusations
in the security council.
- You like kids, do you?
- Why, you wanna go halves?
- [Newsreader] In as
many days, the veto gang-
- Actually I hate them.
- Nicaragua.
- Hi there.
- [Newsreader] Condemning
the United States.
- Still up?
- Yeah.
- Interference-
- What's this place?
- We're looking after it.
- Commenting on the veto,
A White House spokesman
repeated yesterday's-
(button clicking)
- The agency, say hello.
- Good timing.
- [Presenter] No, very interesting,
six, 10, four, 16 and 15.
The big one is about to fall!
- Sometimes.
- Yes,
they make fun of it and everything.
They haven't won it yet.
- Hopeless!
It's probably all rigged anyway.
- Has the world ended yet?
- Nearly.
- How are you going?
- I'm not, he kept touching me.
A real groper.
- Mine can't stop bragging,
talk about motor mouth.
(both laughing)
Hey, let's listen.
- Yeah.
- [Tony] What was yours like?
- [Brendan] A winner.
- And where was the deed done?
- Front seat.
- Front?
- I didn't.
- Oh, you did.
- Just as well I'm double jointed.
As she cried out in bliss,
she kicked the handbrake
and we almost went into the harbour.
How about yours?
- Ah, bit flat.
- Flat?
- Bit nervous actually,
'til the old charm took over.
- Sly bastard.
- Couldn't say I got to
know her all that well,
didn't do much talking.
- Right, staying the night?
- Yeah, why not?
(TV news broadcasting quietly)
- Look, we're both exhausted,
so we're just gonna
have to let you boys go.
- Thanks for a wonderful night.
- [Newsreader] Organisers
estimated the number of-
- Oh.
- As being well over 100,000-
- [Tony] Okay.
You don't wanna offer
us a drink or anything?
- No, you've worn us out.
- Couldn't cope with any more.
- [Newsreader] Similar rallies were held
and in Fremantle, scores
of arrests were made.
- We could go for a drink at the Cross,
do you wanna go for a drink up the Cross?
We could, um-
- Bye.
- [Newsreader] The
giant Us carrier, Nimitz
anchored two miles offshore.
- See you.
- Thanks a lot.
- [Newsreader] Seems reminiscent
of the Vietnam moratorium.
- God, if one of them started
coming down my chimney,
I'd light a fire.
- For much of the afternoon
and traffic was still in
chaos well into the evening.
- [Tony] What did you do to her?
- [Brendan] I don't know.
- You're like a bull in a China shop.
Haven't you ever heard of foreplay?
(car door thudding)
- Classy, eh?
(car engine starting)
- No more blind dates.
(car rumbling)
("The Blue Danube Waltz"
by Johann Strauss)
("The Blue Danube Waltz" continues)
("The Blue Danube Waltz" continues)
(car door clicking)
(car door thudding)
- Well, as Mother always said,
"There's plenty of other fish in the sea."
- Yeah, jellyfish and sharks.
- And have only one unthinkable
conclusion, Armageddon.
Or surely, it is injustice
climbing to almost
hysterical recrimination,
that a fatal misunderstanding will occur
and the button be pushed.
The results of course, would
be beyond comprehension.
Let's hope we'll still be here
to present the first
programme of the New Year.
Have a good Christmas.
O, come all ye faithful
Joyful and triumphant
O, come ye, o, come ye to Bethlehem
(revellers cheering)
(boat horn blasting)
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And never brought to mind
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
For the sake of auld lang syne
(waves lapping)
(machinery humming)
(car door clicking)
- Hey, mate.
(car door thudding)
Hey, driver!
(truck rumbling)
Come on, there's someone
here, I was asleep.
What do you think you're doing?
There's someone in here!
Hey, driver!
Stop!
("Over the Sea to Skye" bagpipe music)
- [Revelers] Happy New Year!
(bagpipe music continues)
(crowd chattering)
- [Reveler] Hey, give us
a New Year's kiss, darl!
(bagpipe music continues)
(crowd chattering)
- G'day.
- Hi.
- Hi, I got some champagne,
everyone will be pissed
by the time we get there.
- Oh, great. Did you hear the Lotto?
- Two was the only one we had.
You know, that's 33
times 10 hasn't come up.
(thunder rumbling)
- [Sharon] Must be a storm coming.
- Hm.
- I'll just check they're all out.
(feet thudding)
(footsteps tapping)
Excuse me, we're closing up.
Hello.
Glad you enjoyed the concert.
Hey, are you dead?
You're not a corpse, are you?
(man groaning softly)
Thank God.
- Ah!
Sorry!
- Well, calm down, we're
closing, that's all.
- Must have dozed off.
(footsteps tapping)
- Oh, well, don't worry about it.
(door thudding)
- I had garlic, can you smell it?
- Did you see that American guy then?
I'm sure I've seen him somewhere before.
- The one who went into the gents?
- Didn't he go out?
- No, who is he?
- Give us a look.
(muffled bagpipe music)
(newspaper rustling)
(thunder rumbling)
Here we are, I thought so.
- "American sailor still missing."
What did he do?
- Went on shore leave and disappeared.
- What would he be doing here?
- I don't know.
I suppose he was watching the concert.
(newspaper rustling)
(muffled bagpipe music)
Hey, will you get a move on?
We've gotta go, it's New Year's, you know.
- Don't go in, he might be dangerous.
- He didn't look dangerous.
- Most maniacs don't,
they try to look harmless to suck you in.
- Look, I know who you are.
I'm not gonna report you or
anything, I don't blame you,
I wouldn't wanna be in the Navy either.
- Sharon.
- [Sam] You sure you're
not gonna call the cops?
- We just wanna go.
- [Sam] Don't worry about me.
- You'll be locked in!
(door clicking)
- I could be a maniac, you know.
- Yeah, sure, you've got a
chainsaw shoved up your t-shirt.
Look, we can't just leave you here.
- That's what I want, I've
been here for three days.
- Oh, where?
- Here.
Hey listen,
would you come with me?
If the security guard sees
us, he'll think it's okay.
Okay?
Come on.
- [Eva] You couldn't have
been here all that time,
could you?
- Ssh!
- I move around, I got different
places where I hole up.
- What do you do all day?
- Sleep and listen to
the radio, found a radio.
Sometimes I watch a show.
I know one of them real good.
Ah.
(melodic orchestral music)
Blow wind and crack your cheeks!
Rage, blow!
You cataracts and hurricanoes,
strike 'til you have drowned our steeples!
Round the cocks
and thou, all-shaking thunder,
strike flat
the thick rotundity o' the world.
(dramatic orchestral music)
(cast applauding)
Ah!
- The rabbit's escaped
from the drama theatre, have you seen it?
- I think it went that way.
- Snowy.
- Snowy.
- Snowy.
- Snowy.
- Snowy.
- Wow!
- Well, that's where I sleep.
Just set the alarm on my watch,
make sure that I wake up before
the first shift comes in.
You want some coffee?
- We're supposed to go to a party.
- Hey, come on, you're the first
people I talked to in days,
apart from myself, I'm going crazy.
- You're not gonna throw us
down from up there, are you?
- I'm a pacifist, why do
you think I jumped ship,
when the war's about to start?
- You think there's gonna be a war?
- Whole US Navy's known for months.
Home, sweet home.
(Sharon and Eva laughing)
Ssh!
(light melodic music)
- What do you do for food?
- Borrow from the candy bar.
Mars bars for breakfast,
Cherry Ripes for lunch,
Violet Crumbles for dinner
and Waggon Wheels for dessert.
- The dentist will love you.
- What'll happen if you're caught?
- I can get 10 years in Naval prison
for cowardice in the face of the enemy.
So I gotta stay here until
my beard starts growing.
What's it looking like?
- You could be here for a while.
- Nevermind, remember that
article, less facial hair
means you're further up
the evolutionary ladder.
- What, so people with beards
and hairy legs are throwbacks?
- [Eva] Those Santa Clauses we
went out with certainly were.
- Ssh!
(Brendan whistling)
- Who's that?
- Must be the kid who does the cleaning.
- Here's Brendan!
Put your hands together for
contestant number five, Brendan-
- Hey, look who it is.
- The complete gymnast.
- Of course, is well
known to you as the winner
of the Australian Open Golf Tournament
and current Welterweight Boxing
Champion of New South Wales.
Thanks, Burt. Okay boys, hit it.
Di-di-la-di-ling-ta-ling-ta-ling
Di-di-la, ching-ching,
ba-ching-ching, ba-ching
(tube clattering)
That girl is waiting by the phone
Waiting by the phone
Leaves her boyfriend all alone
Is he all alone or in another's bed
In another's bed
With a lady giving head
Lady giving head
And she's worried
'Cause she knows
He's got the secret
(foot tapping)
(girls laughing)
I got the secret
To love
I got the secret
(alarm buzzing briefly)
- Oh!
To love
(buttons clicking)
("The Ride of the Valkyries")
(both laughing)
(buttons clicking)
("The Ride of the Valkyries" continues)
(set rumbling)
(dog howling)
(robot whirring)
("The Ride of the Valkyries" continues)
(Sharon and Eva laughing)
("The Ride of the Valkyries" continues)
- Who is it?
Who's up there?
You're trapped, you
know, there's no way out.
- I'd say Mr. Pizzy's
presentation is good,
very spunky in his kingy
overalls, six out of 10.
- It's nice to hear such
sensitive lyrics, five and a half.
- Very funny.
- He's won for himself a beauty treatment
from Alfonso of Fitz Street.
- You're trespassing, you know that?
- We're judging.
- Well, you'd better come down then.
- Come and get us.
- All right.
- When you get to the top, I'm
gonna jump on your fingers.
- I could call the
security guard, you know.
- We'll go down, tell him
we were just looking around.
- [Brendan] I could
call the security guard,
you know.
- Okay, we're coming.
- Do you mind?
- No.
- Rehearsing for your show?
- What are you doing here?
- I work here too, remember?
- Do you often stay behind after?
- Not often.
- Hi, Brendan.
- Yeah, I hope you had a good laugh.
- Don't worry, we sing ourselves.
We're doing a song on "My
Banks On Your Talent Quest."
- I'll have to come along.
You want a sandwich?
- [Sharon] What sort are they?
- Cheese and beetroot.
- Oh, yuck!
- I've got a key to a bar.
- Sly drinker, are you?
- I like a bit on the side.
- Don't be too cocky.
- There's two of us, you know.
- It's okay, he's double jointed.
- Jog five miles home every morning, I do.
- Yeah, we know, Welterweight
Champion of New South Wales.
Thanks, Burt, thanks, everybody.
- Don't provoke him, Sharon.
- No, it's all right, I
don't mind being provoked,
so long as you two can
handle the consequences.
- Don't think we'd have too much trouble.
- They've started, the idiots, it's on!
- How many more are up there?
- The state of war
exists in Europe.
- It's on!
- What is?
- NATO and Warsaw Pact-
- The war, Goddammit!
- Are locked in battle.
- World War fucking Three!
- [Newsreader] The East
and West German borders
and unconfirmed reports talk
of massive tank engagements
and tactical nuclear
weapons already being used.
But at this stage, hopes are high,
that the conflict will
be a limited scenario
confined to the Central European Theatre.
- What does that mean?
- I reckon we'll be okay.
- What about Europe?
- There'll just be Germany for a start!
- That's Sam, by the way, Brendan.
- How do we know it's not going to spread?
- Nothing personal, but
they're not gonna waste bombs
on this place!
- Well, thanks a lot.
- I just mean you're not
of strategic significance!
- [Newsreader] Both sides
have accused each other-
- You had anything to do
with the Mars Bar wrappers
lying around the stage every night?
- You probably know this place real good.
Is there a shower around here?
I've been having to use the wash basin.
- Who lights your match on showers?
- What's wrong with them?
- Washes off your natural oils.
My brother only washes once a month,
natural odour turns women on
without them even knowing it.
- Oh, yeah.
- Is that what you do?
- I don't need to.
- Your brother does okay for himself, huh?
- They can't help themselves.
- What's he look like?
- Ugly, you wouldn't
credit he was my brother.
- Ssh, turn it up.
- [Newsreader] At North West Cape.
(soft tense music)
All people in the greater Sydney area
are to stay inside their houses.
Further instructions will
be broadcast shortly.
An address to the nation
by the Prime Minister
is expected in the next few minutes.
We repeat, a short time ago,
nuclear devices struck an
unspecified target south of Sydney
and the US base at North West Cape.
(button clicking)
(melancholic orchestral music)
- Near Sydney?
- I thought this was the place to go.
- Well, we'd better get out!
- You're not allowed outside,
didn't you hear?
- No, it must be fallout.
- Well, what do we do?
- We just have to wait.
- I'm gonna try and ring home.
(melancholic orchestral music)
- We've gotta get them
through this, you know, Sam.
- Yeah, I know, it's up to us.
- We've gotta be solid, right?
- Right.
- If they see it getting to us,
they could become hysterical.
- Right
- How do you feel?
- Calm.
- Good one.
(dramatic orchestral music)
- [Newsreader] It's
possible that US forces
fired on the giant-
- Hello,
I want to make a call to
Glasgow and reverse the charges.
(background people chattering)
(dramatic orchestral music)
- [Newsreader] I understand
we have more news now
on the situation.
(dramatic orchestral music)
(air raid siren wailing)
- Thank God.
- Listen to that siren.
(phone tapping)
- It's making a buzzing noise.
Oh, there must be something wrong with it.
- Probably jammed.
(receiver clattering)
- We could all die.
(air raid siren wailing)
God, I hope Mum and Dad are all right.
- Don't worry, they'll be okay.
- They won't know what's
going on, especially Mum,
her English is hopeless, I wish
I could see them, tell them.
(air raid siren wailing)
- Well, I guess we're
stuck with those two.
- (sighing) If I was gonna be
wrecked on a desert island,
they wouldn't be my first choice.
- Mine neither.
- [Announcer] This is not a drill.
All personnel to report to
the green room immediately.
Close all windows and doors,
repeat, this is not a drill.
All personnel to report to
the green room immediately.
- We stay here.
- Yeah.
- Solid.
Solid, right?
- Yeah, solid.
(soft orchestral music)
(soft orchestral music continues)
(air raid siren wailing)
- Only an hour to midnight.
- What a way to start the new year.
- Well, I guess we should
try and cheer them up.
- Have our own private party?
- [Both] Good luck.
- She'll be right.
- Yeah, she'll be apples.
- How about your folks?
- I haven't seen them in years.
Ward of the state, I was,
you know, bit of a crim.
- Oh, shit.
- Guess you can't ring home.
- Where do you live?
- Don't know at the moment.
(vice handle rattling)
- Give us your guitar, Pierce.
- Why?
- Oh, come on, I just
wanna have a go of it.
(guitar strings twanging)
(guitar cracking)
(thug laughing)
Oh, well, it'll, it'll save the world
from any more of your bloody
awful singing, Pierce.
You're weak as piss, Pierce,
weak,
as,
piss.
(thug laughing)
- You think about it, nuclear bombs.
If there's a kid from outer space
doing a school project on human beings,
he'd have to say we're all crazy.
- [Sharon] We'll try again in a while.
(Brendan wolf whistling)
- Check that out.
- Something's wrong with the phones,
we can't even get onto
Service Difficulties.
- Oh, they'll be overloaded,
every man and his dog
will be trying to get through.
- So we just have to wait.
- There's a pack of cards.
- Only game I know is Strip Poker.
- [Sharon] Typical.
- What does radiation do to you?
- You die a lingering death.
- Great.
- It takes years unless you're
right in the middle of it.
- Can anything survive?
- Only mutations.
- My second toe is longer than my big one.
- So is mine.
- So is-
- So is mine.
(Sam laughing)
- We're normal, that's our problem.
- Scorpions can survive,
that's another one.
- My star sign.
- Hey, that's a good idea,
what's everyone else?
- Virgo, but don't tell
me, I don't wanna know.
- Well, that's bullshit,
all that stuff is.
- Oh, you'd know, that's for sure.
(thunder rumbling loudly)
(soft tense music)
- Sharon's is, "Make the
most of your opportunities.
They may not come again."
Oh no.
- What's yours?
- "Today's a particularly bad
day for travel, watch out."
- It's true, if you
travelled outside, we'd be...
- Eliminated.
(soft tense music)
- [Both] Right.
- And Virgo?
No, don't tell me.
- Virgo is, "You have a tendency
to put off 'til tomorrow
what you could do today, but
tomorrow may be too late."
- Stupid, I never wanna know those things.
- What's yours?
- Capricorn.
- Capricorn is, "An
opportunity will come your way
to meet a strange man."
- Hey, that must be you.
Well, what about lifelines?
If we all suddenly stop,
we know we're in trouble.
- Here we go, what if you haven't got one?
- Everyone's got one.
What huge hands, must be a throwback.
Gee!
- Give us a look.
- [Brendan] What? Ow!
- Wow.
- Well, tell me.
- It doesn't matter.
- What is it?
- Did you have a depressed childhood?
- No.
- Are any of your relatives mad?
- No.
- Pity.
- Why?
- Doesn't matter.
- Maybe you'll be lucky
in your next incarnation.
- Do you suppose it'll depend
on what you do in this life
as to what you become in the next?
- Yeah, that's one of those
Eastern religions says,
if you lead a good life, you
go up the evolutionary ladder
and if you're evil, you go down the drain.
- That's where I'll be.
- What?
- Probably be demoted several rungs.
Probably end up a cockroach.
- Actually, you'll be okay
if you're a cockroach,
they're immune to radiation,
the same as scorpions.
- Great world it'll be,
cockroaches, scorpions and ghosts.
(soft tense music)
(button clicking)
- All emergency services
are now being coordinated to
face what the Prime Minister
described as, "The gravest
situation in our history."
But in spite of these
flagrant attacks on our soil,
it seems likely that the war
is to be mainly confined
to the European theatre
and the strikes against US
installations around the world
are simply part of precautionary measures
the superpowers have taken
to safeguard themselves
against the threat of the
first strike scenario.
The device that struck
south of Jervis Bay.
(soft recorder music)
- Whoo!
- [Newsreader] Understand
that radiation levels
are now being monitored
and the ABC will be
issuing regular bulletins.
In the meantime, the situation
in Europe remains confused.
(button clicking)
- My grandparents.
- Where are they?
- Czechoslovakia.
- Maybe it won't reach there.
- Millions of people could be dead.
- We don't know that,
it could be all hype.
- Where were you when they
were giving out the brains?
- Well, they wouldn't tell us
what was going on, would they?
- Well, where are you going?
- I've got a key to the bar, remember?
- How can you think about having a drink?
- He's probably right, Eva,
there's nothing we can do.
(Eva sighing)
- You okay?
- Yeah, we can get some
rations on the way.
(cocktail sloshing)
- What are you making?
- My special.
I now declare this meeting open.
Managing director's salary
is gonna be doubled.
All those in favour say aye.
Aye, the ayes have it.
This will put hairs on your chest.
Come on, skol.
- Actually, it doesn't taste too bad.
- I think it tastes like
raw egg and sump oil.
- Oh, all we need now is some Spanish fly.
- Typical.
- Can't get it in Australia though.
- How do you know?
- He's looked everywhere.
- What's Spanish Fly?
- Aphrodisiac, it's a sex stimulant.
I read this book once,
reckoned you could become
a nymphomaniac if you weren't too careful.
- [Girl] Cucumber and curried eggs.
- Peanut butter and royal jelly.
- [All] Oh, Shaz! (laughing)
- Oh, you want some, do you, Gilmore?
Let me at him!
(girls laughing)
Let me at him!
Gilmore, Gilmore!
- I tried giving Beverly
Glassup a whole bunch
of smoked oyster sandwiches
once, didn't help much.
- Ah, you'd have been a
real grot school, I reckon,
bet you used to write dirty
poems in the girls' toilets.
- How'd you know?
- 'Cause you've got shifty eyes.
- Actually, I just about got
kicked out for that once,
when I was seven.
- What did you write?
- "Little Tommy Tittle-Arse
was crawling through the long grass,
came across a circus,
lifted up the canvas,
saw a lady's bare arse,
jabbed it with a compass,
wasn't that ridiculous of
Little Tommy Tittle-Arse?"
- Ah, that's pathetic,
ours were far more classy.
We did one at school once wasn't bad.
"Old King Cole had a 40-foot pole
and he showed it to the lady next door."
- Lovely.
- "She thought it was a
snake and hit it with a rake
and now it's only two foot four."
So watch it, mate.
- God, women are cruel.
- Well, men have got one-track minds.
- Well, it's just the way we're built.
When I see a woman in a low-cut dress,
I actually feel physical pain.
- You're off.
- Probably wears his pants too tight.
- You're off too, Sharon.
(both laughing)
- He's right, I feel pain too.
- Yeah.
- Well, all I can say
is you both sound like
a pair of desperates.
- Yeah.
- Everybody's the same
underneath, it's just the
thin veneer of civilization
is holding us back.
- Oh, thank God for the
thin veneer of civilization.
- Well, women are different
than men, you know,
you're just talking about men.
- Same difference.
- Rubbish!
- We've all got an animal self somewhere.
- Where's yours?
- You want me to give you a demo?
- No, thanks.
- Give it a miss.
- Couldn't cope, eh?
- It's all just pipes anyway.
- [Brendan] What?
- The difference between the sexes.
- What?
- Well, that's what Mrs.
McCreedy used to say at school.
- Men and women have different plumbing.
(class laughing)
Now then, girls,
come on, settle down.
Settle down.
(girls laughing)
Who did that?
(girls laughing)
Well, come on, who did it?
- Little did she know, we used
to put up the male centrefold
in the toilets every month.
- I thought about being a male centrefold.
(Eva laughing)
- Who'd wanna pin you up?
- You'd be surprised.
- I heard about this
couple once had Spanish fly
and they couldn't stop.
- Yeah.
- What happened?
- They were both found
dead in each other's arms.
- What a way to go.
- Two weeks later.
(Brendan laughing)
- God, you're morbid, isn't he morbid?
You ought to work in a morgue,
that way you could crack
jokes to all the stiffs.
- Hey, it's two minutes to 12.
(Sharon laughing)
- Let's go out front.
- What about the radiation?
- I know where there's some umbrellas,
would've died down by now,
we'll just go out for a bit.
At midnight, there'll
be fireworks and all,
everyone will be hooting their horns.
- [Sharon] There'll be
no one in their cars.
- Of course, there will be.
(soft tense music)
(dog barking in distance)
- God, it's so quiet.
- You wait, in half a minute's time.
- Turn the radio on.
(button clicking)
- Here in the studio,
we're listening to fragments
of news coming from Europe
and the United States
and from here, Australia.
I feel a sense of
powerlessness and disbelief
and so as the final seconds
of the old year tick away,
I think all of us might say
a few private words in prayer
to ask that the new year might bring peace
and an end to the madness of war.
(wind blowing)
(church bells chiming)
(time signal beeping)
(church bells chiming)
(thunder rumbling in distance)
- Let's go back inside.
- God, nothing happening.
- Told you.
- Hey, there's a rabbit.
(wind blowing)
- Must be the one they were looking for.
- Would've been out here all
night, just don't touch it.
- Don't be so cruel.
Come on, rabbit.
- We'd better go in.
- Come on.
- It's not fair.
Doesn't know what's going on, poor thing.
("Auld Lang Syne" bagpipe music)
(wind blowing)
("Auld Lang Syne" bagpipe music continues)
- Good evening and
Happy New Year, suckers.
(button clicking)
(solemn orchestral music)
You'd think they'd have
decent music on somewhere.
(solemn orchestral music)
(melodic upbeat music)
- Shit!
Monday morning feels so bad
(film projector whirring)
Everybody seems to nag me
Coming Tuesday I'll feel better
(all laughing)
Even my old man looks good
Wednesday just don't go
Thursday goes too slow
I've got Friday on my mind
Gonna have fun in the city
Be with my girl, she's so pretty
She looks fine tonight
She is out of sight to me
I'll spend my bread tonight
I'll lose my head tonight
I've got to get to night
(all laughing)
Monday, I'll have Friday on my mind
Do the five-day grind once more
I know of nothing else that bugs me
More than working for the rich man
Hey, I'll change that scene one day
Today I might be mad
Tomorrow I'll be glad
'Cause I'll have Friday on my mind
I'm gonna have fun in the city
Be with my girl, she's so pretty
She looks fine tonight
She is out of sight to me
Tonight, I'll spend my bread, tonight
I'll lose my head, tonight
I've got to get to night
Monday, I'll have Friday on my mind
Gonna have fun in the city
Be with my girl, she's so pretty
I'm gonna have fun in the city
Be with my girl, she's so pretty
(door clicking)
(footsteps thudding)
- Quick, someone's coming!
Come on, hurry.
(door thudding)
(dramatic orchestral music)
- Where do you think you're going?
- [Sam] Ah, nowhere.
- Come on, Craig.
Snowy!
- [Craig] Snowy!
(dramatic orchestral music continues)
- [Actress] Snowy!
- [Craig] Snowy!
(door clicking)
- It is feared,
that civilian populations
in a number of German cities
have already suffered grievous casualties.
Another report just to hand and
we confirm the earlier news,
that nuclear devices have
struck the US installations
at Nurrungar, Pine Gap and North West Cape
and that a fourth device hit south
of the Sydney metropolitan area
shortly before 11 o'clock
Eastern Standard time.
("Sonata in C Minor: The 94th Psalm")
(dramatic organ music continues)
- It's great!
- It's creepy!
I'm going back to the stage.
(dramatic organ music continues)
- They look nice.
- They're wonderful.
At least they'll be okay in the country.
They'll be so worried about me though.
- When did you come out to Australia?
- When I was 14.
- Parents happy here?
- They love it.
"Ormolu and saw an operetta,
the emu whose name was H-Hugh
and Drew the Irish setter,
(students laughing)
cooked a stew with tars and glue
and watched a wonga etta."
(students cheering)
- I know you boys are hard up,
but can't you grow up a bit too?
- [Students] Whoo! (laughing)
- None of the phones are working at all.
Look, don't worry, we'll be okay.
- I know. (laughing)
- I think we should be doing
something constructive.
- We can play cards.
- Okay, if Brendan wants
to play Strip Poker,
let's play Strip Poker.
- What?
- [Sharon] Come on.
- Where?
- We've got to get ready.
- [Eva] Sharon.
- You see, men and women are
basically after the same thing.
Women just don't wanna let you know,
otherwise it destroys their mystique.
(girls laughing)
- You know something?
You're very perceptive
about women, you know that?
(cards shuffling)
- I like them,
simple as that.
- Wonder who started the war.
- It doesn't matter much,
they're all bastards.
- [Eva] Who?
- The generals or whoever they are,
the Russian and American Presidents.
- Yeah, they're probably about
95, they've had their fun.
- Doubt whether they've had much.
- I keep thinking I'm dreaming,
that I'm going to wake up at any moment.
- If I was dreaming someone,
he wouldn't look anything
like Brendan Pizzy.
Well, maybe just a little bit.
- No, he'd look more like a cross
between John McEnroe
and Sylvester Stallone.
- Oh, don't tell me your problems.
(both laughing)
- [Sam] What do you think
they're doing in there?
- Putting on makeup.
- Where?
- Wherever.
- You think so?
- Sure, they wanna make a good impression.
They fancy us.
- Maybe we should ring them.
- What are you, chicken or something?
- I just,
don't want them to see Mr. Snakey.
(cards shuffling)
- Haven't you got any sense of honour?
- No.
- Me neither.
- [Sharon] Off with their heads!
- One, two, three, off!
- Bloody hell!
(both laughing)
God save our gracious Queen
Long live our noble
Queen, God save our Queen
Send her victorious,
happy and glorious
Long to reign over
us, God save our Queen
- What's this?
- Nothing, what?
We were cold, that's all.
- That's cheating.
- Oh, let's just get
this show on the road.
- [Brendan] Oh, that's not fair.
- Okay, here goes nothing.
- Whoo hoo!
- Oh, no!
- [Brendan] Beauty.
(girls laughing)
- Oh, come on.
- What's wrong with that?
- That's jewellery, not clothing.
- [Eva] Rubbish.
(thunder rumbling)
- If we are gonna snuff it, I
wish I'd have been overseas.
That's one thing I really wish.
- Yeah, it's pretty good.
- Where have you been?
- Hayman Island, Tasmania.
- Oh, that's not overseas.
- Yes, it is, they're over the sea.
- They're still Australia.
(Eva laughing)
- Paris is where I'd like to
have been, must be beautiful.
- Maybe you'll still be able to go.
Maybe I'll take you.
- I'd want to go with a Frenchman,
someone who could show me around.
- You speak French too, do you?
- You don't have to understand
what they say, you just know.
- I was there once, ship
was on a goodwill visit.
A few of us caught the train to Paris.
(soft orchestral music)
Met these French sailors, we got drunk.
There's this blonde girl.
Sunset, we went down to this island
in the middle of the river,
bottle of wine,
one of them long loaves of bread.
(soft orchestral music)
You just sit there in the dusk
watching the lights coming on
and the tourist boats gliding past,
like something outta "Star Wars."
(soft orchestral music)
- Sounds wonderful.
- Yeah.
- They couldn't have
done that, could they,
wiped all that out?
- It's your turn.
- Well, at least everyone dies in the end.
Well, like if you knew some
people were gonna keep going,
while the rest of us snuffed
it, you'd be really pissed off.
- I wonder where Princess Di is.
- They'd have their own fallout shelter.
- Oh, come on, they'd have
an underground palace.
- No, no, the corgis would have
their own underground kennel.
(all laughing)
(Sam imitating seal honking)
(Brendan imitating cockerel crowing)
(all laughing)
(Brendan imitating monkey)
(electricity buzzing)
(Eva screaming)
- [Sam] Hold on, take it easy,
let's listen to the radio.
Come on.
(button clicking)
- [Newsreader] Use
essential lighting only,
we repeat, use essential lighting only,
(missile roaring)
(Eva screaming)
- What the hell's that?
(Sharon screaming)
- What are they?
- They must be for emergencies.
(robot whirring quietly)
Bastard.
- God, this is getting spooky.
- I thought we were going to be bombed.
- Well, what are we gonna do?
- Just keep playing.
- Let's have another drink.
- You should ease up a bit,
you'll be under the table soon.
- I always know when I've had enough.
(gentle orchestral music)
(wings fluttering)
(birds squawking)
(soft orchestral music)
(soft orchestral music continues)
I always know my capacity.
- Yeah, by me having to carry you home.
- Yeah, I know, Sharon,
you're always so together.
(melancholic orchestral music)
- Well, it's been good.
- Yeah.
- Right, well,
I'll see you later.
- Bye.
- Bye.
(melancholic orchestral music continues)
- Sharon, I'm home!
- I'm just in here,
I'll be out in a minute.
(electricity buzzing)
- Thank God.
- It's incredible, this place.
- Gives me the creeps, it's so quiet.
Boo!
(Eva laughing)
(Brendan laughing)
- Buildings like this are full of rays,
'cause all the people who've been in them.
- Stingrays?
- No, rays,
people give off rays.
When you're angry or
worked up or whatever,
they get stronger, that's
why I can really feel them
in places like churches and that,
'cause people been having
intense experiences
there for centuries.
- Yeah, I know what you mean.
- That's really interesting.
Don't often have conversations like this.
- [Sharon] Well, whose turn is it?
- Eva just lost.
- The way this game's going,
weird, I haven't lost once.
- Then why are you taking something off?
- I'm just feeling hot,
that's all, any objections?
God, Eva.
- I can't help it.
- We're not doing so
well either, remember.
- Can I borrow something of yours?
- No way!
- Hm-hm.
- Haven't you ever seen girls
on the beach before, Brendan?
Hey, what did the hat, no, what
did the bra say to the hat?
- What?
- You go on ahead and I'll give
these two a lift. (laughing)
(Brendan laughing)
- Look, I don't wanna play
this anymore, this is stupid.
There's a war going on and
all we can think of doing
is playing Strip Poker, it's pathetic.
- I don't really wanna
play anymore either.
(Sam sighing)
- [Sam] I wonder what it's
really like to be dead.
- That's right, cheer us.
- Maybe it's really
quiet, like this place.
- I thought you believed in God.
- I do.
(solemn organ music)
Well, I think I do.
Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart
Be all else but naught
to me, save that thou art
Be thou my best thought
by day or by night
Waking and sleeping,
thy presence my light
- I remember the first time somebody died.
There was this old doctor
living on our block,
he always wore a red bow tie.
One day, he died in the bath.
(light melodic music)
Didn't find him for about a month.
I wanted to know if they had to dress him
before they buried him and if
they'd remember his bow tie.
(Eva laughing)
- What are those things
on your pants, Brendan?
- What?
- Look! (laughing)
- [Brendan] Ants.
- Thought you'd have scorpions.
- Yeah, then they'd be radiation proof.
- Okay, let's finish it.
- Are you sure?
- Yes, Sam, I'm sure.
- Let's play Strip Poker.
Whoo hoo, feeling a bit nervous?
- He's not shy, are you, Brendan?
Flasher from way back, how'd that song go?
Ah.
I got his secret
I got the secret to life
I got the secret
- Hm. (laughing)
(girls laughing)
- [Both] Whoo hoo!
- [Eva] Get them off.
- Ah, well, nothing to be ashamed of.
(Sharon howling)
(all sniggering quietly)
Don't ring me, I'll ring you.
- Well, that's it then,
I'll take these back.
- [Eva] I'm gonna try and ring again.
(girls laughing)
- What happened?
- I don't know.
- Did I frighten them off or something?
- You must.
(girls laughing)
- Yeah, well, it was probably
just a change of mood.
Women are more hung up than men, you know,
they've got different body clocks.
DMR, DMA or whatever it is,
biorhythms and that.
- Sometimes, I think it'd be better
if there was just one sex.
- Which one?
- Mixture, I suppose.
- It's being in the Navy
gives you ideas like that.
You wanna keep an eye on yourself.
- I think I'll go see how Eva's doing.
("Gymnopedie No.1")
- Sharon.
("Gymnopedie No.1" continues)
Shit.
("Gymnopedie No.1" continues)
- What's wrong with you?
- I didn't know where you were.
- What's happening?
- Doesn't sound too good.
("Gymnopedie No.1" continues)
- Cheer up.
- What for?
- Where are the others?
- Trying to ring out, I suppose.
Did you have a good laugh?
- What?
- When I lost at cards.
- How's the complete gymnast?
I bet you wouldn't wanna go
with me if I looked like this.
- I'd go out with you
for your personality.
- That's better, you had
me worried for a minute.
- What do you do with noses?
- The Eskimos have got it all worked out.
("Gymnopedie No.1" continues)
- Can't you do it?
Thought you were double jointed.
(zipper whirring)
- God, that's an erotic sound.
- Stop raving.
("Gymnopedie No.1" continues)
I'm scared too.
- Yeah.
- I suppose we should make
the most of it in case.
- Right.
("Gymnopedie No.1" continues)
- Whoo!
(robot whirring quietly)
(feet tapping)
Hey. (applauding)
- I used to have lessons
when I was small in Prague,
I should have kept doing them.
- Say something in Czechoslovakian.
(Eva speaking in Czech)
What's that mean?
- I hope all this with
the war is just a dream.
(robot whirring quietly)
(robot thudding to ground)
(robot whirring creakily)
(Eva hiccuping)
- Home, sweet home.
(baby crying nearby)
Hey, take a seat.
I'll just go tell Mom you're here.
Is it ready?
- Sure.
- [Sam] Thanks a lot, Mom.
(sirens wailing in distance)
(Sam's Mom belching quietly)
- Whoops!
Excuse me, indigestion.
(Sam's Mom belching quietly)
Excuse me.
(Sam's Mom belching quietly)
(all laughing quietly)
(Sam sighing)
- Here we are
in the back row.
- Not on a Saturday night.
- Do you mind?
- No.
- [Sharon] Where are my pants?
- Souvenir by Hamlet, knicker
snatcher from way back.
- Oh, yours are probably
on the way out the door
being dragged by the ants.
- Gee, you're funny.
- Will you do me up?
- [Brendan] It's a beautiful
tapestry, your back.
(zipper whirring)
- Maybe I could get to like you, you know,
even without a war.
- Don't force yourself.
- I won't.
(phone dialer whirring)
(engaged tone beeping)
(receiver clattering)
(soft tense music)
(button clicking)
- Earlier this evening, we
showed an interrupted report
from Europe via satellite,
since then, as I told you,
there's been a virtual
communication blackout.
Although fragmentary reports confirm
unprecedented devastation
in West and East Germany,
Poland and Czechoslovakia.
Further information confirms that London,
huge areas of central
and southeastern England
and the industrial areas
of France, including Paris,
have virtually ceased to exist.
The following transmission
lasted only a few minutes
and then stopped, we
believe it came from an area
northwest of New York.
(people screaming)
(solemn orchestral music)
(helicopter whirring)
(people screaming)
(sirens wailing in distance)
(explosions booming)
(solemn orchestral music continues)
(people screaming)
(sirens wailing)
(solemn orchestral music continues)
(solemn orchestral music continues)
(soft recorder music)
(air raid siren wailing)
(thunder rumbling)
- Even the sun wouldn't wanna come up.
(air raid siren wailing)
(thunder rumbling)
- Hey.
- It's okay.
- Eva.
Hey, there's a TV.
- It's not working, I tried.
Come on, let's go to the others.
- Hey, let's not tell the others
what it looked like out there, okay?
- Okay.
- Good evening, ladies and gentlemen
and welcome to "Any Requests!"
- Coming to you live from sunny Sydney.
Contestants number 44, Brendan
Pizzy and Sharon Smith.
- I'd just like to say
hi to my girlfriend, Eva,
who's sitting up the back there somewhere.
- Stand up, Eva.
- Hi, darling.
- You ready?
One, two, three.
Da da da da da, oh oh oh oh
Da da da da da, oh oh oh oh
Da da da da da
(both laughing)
Da da da da da
Oh!
(both laughing)
- Stop it!
(Eva sobbing)
Eva, it's okay.
- It's not (sobbing).
- What?
- It was horrible.
- Eva.
- The television in the office. (sobbing)
The people, you couldn't even
tell they were people anymore.
They'd been burnt alive,
they were screaming,
their skin was hanging from their faces.
You couldn't even tell they were people,
(sobbing) children, everyone screaming.
I didn't want to tell you.
- Yeah, but that's not gonna
happen here though, is it?
- Well, how do we know? We
don't know what's going on.
- Maybe we should pray.
- Look, if there was a God,
he'd help us anyway, wouldn't he?
Why would he wait until we pray?
- Don't, stop talking like that.
- A lot of people would've been praying,
where you saw those pictures coming from.
Didn't help them much, did it?
- It's people who've done it though!
- Come on, we gotta keep it together.
- Let's just try and
be okay to each other.
- [Announcer] Word's just come through,
that we're to move down to the
nearest underground station
as quickly as possible.
- Go on!
(footsteps thudding)
(tense melodic music)
- [Brendan] Take your shoes off.
(sky rumbling)
(mellow upbeat music)
(mellow upbeat music continues)
(water gushing)
(people shrieking)
(mellow upbeat music)
(people shouting)
Short memory, must have a
Short memory, must have a
If you read the history books
You'll see the same things
happen again and again
Repeat, repeat, short memory,
it's all gonna be the same
Got a short, got a short,
got a short, got a short
Oh, why, why, why, short memory
They've got a short
memory, must have a
(soft tense music)
(background people chattering)
Well
I can't begin to lose
I woke up this morning
My man had gone
So had my money
(background people chattering)
- I don't know what you're
supposed to do in life,
but whatever it is, I
don't reckon I've done it.
- Me neither.
(background people chattering)
("The Blue Danube Waltz"
by Johann Strauss)
- My mother was a ballroom dancer.
I used to get taken along
to watch when I was tiny.
I don't even know
whatever happened to her.
(melancholic orchestral music)
(soft orchestral music)
- You okay?
- Yeah.
(soft orchestral music continues)
(soft recorder music)
- Nothing's happened yet.
Maybe it's a false alarm.
Blues
All those long damn blues
(crowd applauding)
- Okay, everyone,
let's hear it for Frankie!
Have we got any other musicians here?
- Hey, you could do your song?
- Yeah, that'd probably cheer us up.
- No.
- Come on.
- Over here!
- Terrific, stand up so we can see you!
(crowd applauding)
The weather here has
been as nice as it can be
Although it doesn't
really matter much to me
For all the fun I'll have
while you're so far away
It might as well rain until September
I don't need sunny skies
for things I have to do
For I stay home the whole day long
(electricity buzzing)
And think of you
For all the fun I'll have
while you're so far away
It might as well rain until September
(missile rumbling)
(people screaming)
My friends look forward to
their picnics on the beach
Yes, everybody loves the summertime
But you know, darling while
your arms are out of reach
The summer isn't any friend of mine
(missile rumbling)
(people screaming)
It doesn't matter whether
skies are grey or blue
It's raining in my heart
'cause I can't be with you
I'm only living for the
day you're home to stay
So it might as well
rain until September
September
So it might as well
rain until September
(match striking)
(missile rumbling)
Kum ba yah, my Lord, kum ba yah
Kum ba yah, my Lord, kum ba yah
Kum ba yah
(wind blowing)
All we are saying
Is give peace a chance
All we are saying
Is give peace a chance
All we are saying
Is give peace a chance
Get up, stand up, get up, stand up
Stand up for your right,
stand up for your right
Get up, stand up
Don't give up the fight,
don't give up the fight
Get up, stand up, get up, stand up
Stand up for your right,
stand up for your right
Get up, stand up, get up, stand up
Don't give up the fight,
don't give up the fight
Get up, stand up, get up, stand up
Stand up for your right,
stand up for your right
(wind blowing)
We shall overcome
We shall overcome
We shall live in peace
We shall live in peace someday
Oh, deep in my heart
I do believe
We shall live in peace someday
We shall live in peace
We shall live in peace
(wind blowing)