One, Two, Many (2008) Movie Script
orchestral
horse neighs, collapses
rock
Well, she's gone
And l won't be coming home
l heard that a broken heart
ls better left alone
After1,000 miles
Maybe l'll get by
There's just
one thing to say
lt's just a matteroftime
lt's just a matteroftime
lt's just a matteroftime
Yeah
lt's just a matteroftime
lt's just a matteroftime
Yeah, yes, it is
lt's just a matteroftime
lt's just a matteroftime
Yeah, yes, it is
cries
You know, they say
with every life experience,
there's a lesson to be learned,
and, man, did l learn mine.
See, that was me,
fantasizing about
every woman l saw.
See, l was what yo
might call a horn dog,
a playboy, a gigolo.
l'm what you ladies
might call, well...
a scumbag.
See, l wasn't a bad guy,
it's just that every
girl l saw,
ljust-- ljust had to
get into bed with.
panting
Oh, yeah.
screams
Unh!
Uhh!
Excuse me.
Well, almost
every girl l saw.
Uhh!
Anyway, l always
wanted to get married,
be a dad, have kids,
but how could l do both?
l mean, how could l
keep on being with women,
and start a family?
Than l had this
brilliant idea.
bell dings
l need to find a girl
that wold be willing
to bring otherwomen
into bed with me.
Well, what
happened to Kelly?
l broke up with her.
Well, she
broke up with me.
Actually, she hitme
overthe head
with a nine iron ,
then broke up with me.
Unh!
She hit yo overthe head
with a nine iron ?
Actually, it was
a fouriron,
but who's counting?
Unh!
Why?
Because l was
cheating on her.
Oh.
See, l had this
wandering penis problem.
lt's like a vagining rod.
All right, and she was
upset with you, right, Tom?
sobbing
No, l don't think so.
Mm-hmm.
See, every time
l see a new girl,
l gotta get her--
Acceptance.
Acceptance?
You can't say no, Thomas.
You cheat because
you wantthe constant love
and approval from others
because you nevergotthose
things from yorfamily.
Yoursiblings ridiculed you,
yourdad beatyou,
humiliated yo ,
and neveraccepted you.
Well, not exactly.
Doc, how can my penis
have anything to do
with the family?
Then, when you get
these women to love you,
you wantto get rid ofthem.
Why would l do that?
You question their credibility
if they could love
a loserlike yourself.
l do?
Yeah. Yorfamily
considered you
a loser, Thomas.
And that's why you
seek the constant love
and affection from others.
To prove them wrong.
Doc, couldn't it
just be that l'm horny?
Doubtful, Thomas.
Look, yo push people
away who love you
because you feel
unworthy oflove,
happiness, self-respect.
And we're seeing
these same things happen
in yor relationships.
You try and
create obstacles
that'll keep yo from
having a happy relationship.
For instance,
rememberJasmine?
Yeah.
Well, yo dumped her.
She had hygiene problems.
Hervagina was shaved
like the Hitler mustache.
Every time l went down on her,
l thought of the Third Reich.
What abot Charlene?
She had nine fingers.
Well, Debra.
Please.
Look, at least
when l take a dump,
and there's people nearby,
l have the courtesy
to flush to
drown outthe noise.
farting
Thomas, don'tyou see,
you create these problems.
What do you mean?
Well, this one...farts,
this one has nine fingers,
and this one has
a funny-looking...
hoo -haha.
lt's not that.
ljust need to find a woman
that'll allow otherwomen
into bed with us.
That, Derek, is my idea
of the perfect woman.
Well, cold be hard
to find a woman
that accommodating.
Perhaps we should call her
the hard to find woman.
laughs
Sorry, Thomas,
it's, uh...
Time's up.
chuckling
l'm telling yo , man,
l'm gonna find her.
Good.
l mean, there's gotta
be a girl like that
out there somewhere.
Right, right.
We'll see you nextweek.
All right, man.
See ya, doc.
Right.
What do you
think of monogamy?
Well, my father used
to have a coffee table
that was made out of that.
No, no, no.
Monogamy. Not mahogany.
Oh, oh .
lt's absolutely horrible.
lt's so disgusting.
You mean you've neverbeen
in a serious relationship?
Well, yeah, of corse.
l love my boyfriend.
Wait a minute,
if you love yor boyfriend,
why don't yo like monogamy?
Look, pay me
forthe dance.
So, why are yo here?
See, l figured
if l fond a woman
who's already into
being with women,
well, then,
l'm halfway there.
Listen, asshole,
the sight of a penis
makes me gag.
What?
Yes, that's right.
Single white male...
...seeks bisexual woman...
Justthink, l could be
having sex with you
while the girl's
having sex with you, too.
laughs
You're kidding, right?
stammers
...who seeks
relationship with man...
l think we're a part
of the earth, yo know?
We're born in the earth,
and we die in the earth.
l love everybody.
No, l love everything.
They're all so
beautiful to me.
Everything excites me.
l-- Do yo
look at people?
Look at everyone.
Look at everyone.
All people excite me.
Oh!
...but allows man
to have sex with
otherwomen with woman.
Hey, do you want to see
my impression
of a monkey?
Sure.
whimpers, screeches
like chimp
Likes tennis...
l have a hard time
getting it up after
doing that crap.
Really? l dated
a guy like that once.
lt was so funny.
He was a real whacko
He used to punch
himself in the head
because he got
so mad at himself.
l've had some
wacky boyfriends.
My last boyfriend
drank all the milk
from my tits in
the middle ofthe night.
My newborn was starving
the nextmorning.
l was forgiving though.
My fathertold me
l'm a very forgiving person.
ln fact, right before
he died, he told me
dialogue speeds up
l was his favorite child,
which really
pissed my sisteroff.
She fond out
because l was telling
Well.
my motherand she was
in the otherroom.
The walls were paperthin.
Speaking ofpaper, did you
read The Post this morning?
l did. lt had
an article abot
That's funny--
a guy who made love
to his dog.
Speaking ofwhich, my dog
passed away when l was seven.
Oh, really?
l cried so hard.
l think itaffected me
later in life.
Nowl can't deal
with loss,
which is why l won't
go to Atlantic City.
See, part of me likes to gamble,
but anotherpart of me doesn't.
Which part of you
shuts the fuck up?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Woldn't it be great
if we were with another
girl right now?
Yeah, you would love it,
wouldn't yo , dirty girl?
Come on , let me in!
l was kidding!
l was just kidding!
Okay, great!
Okay, great!
Gerald is bigger.
No wonderyou need a walker.
Let me in!
Let me in!
Ernie, l think l found
my mission in life.
So what's your
big mission,
to rob a bank?
No, l think l figured ot
howto make this
relationship thing work.
Relationship thing?
Dude, howmany times
l have to tell you,
bang prostitutes.
Fora fewhundred
bucks a night,
you'll save
thousands on alimony.
Yeah, and blow it
on STD medications?
Nah. Dude, what l need to do
is find a girlfriend
that wold allow
otherwomen into bed with me.
You gota better chance
of robbing a bank.
l'm gonna get
something to eat.
Again.
Yeah, l'm fat.
Want some peanuts,
stuttermonkey?
Here ya go
My...mom says you...
guys are j-just jealos.
That jealosy line
neverworks.
l know.
Yeah, stutter-face,
we're alljealous.
We all wantto be
stuttering idiots.
Hey, kid, come here.
Who are you?
Who am l?
You gonna tell him,
Joey, orshould l?
l'm a warlock.
A male witch.
And if you ever
pick on Joey again,
next time yo 're
trying to go to sleep,
l'll be in yourroom,
watching you.
ln the corner,
in the closet,
underthe bed.
And that night,
when you finally
do getto sleep,
you'll have the worst
nightmare of yourlife.
You might
not even wake up.
Come on , we don't
believe in warlocks.
Oh, yo don't believe
in warlocks? Do you?
No.
No? Well, watch this.
You see
that guy overthere?
Unh!
coughing
choking
coughs
Now get ot ofhere
before l turn you
into a bunch of frogs.
What's up, Joey?
Hey, thanks, but now
my only friends are gone.
Friends?
Joey, those kids
ain't yorfriends, man.
Let me tell yo something.
You'll be lucky
in yorwhole life
to have three
great friends.
And that's
in yorwhole life.
l only got one.
Moms don't count, Ern.
No, l'm serious, Joey.
l mean, you need
to find kids
that share yor
interests, you know?
Kids that you have
something in common with.
That's where you'll
find a real friend.
Thanks, Dr. Fuckin' Phil.
bedsprings squeaking, moaning
Ah, come on, guys.
Jeez, l'm trying
to sleep here.
Man
Move to the right.
moaning
Even l can't
last that long!
telephone rings
Hang on,
l'll be right there.
rings
Don't hang up.
Hello?
Thomas.
Hey, Johnny, what's up?
Hey, dude, l got
some shit going on.
Yeah.
Fill in forme today.
Shit. Again?
Come on , Johnny.
lt's Saturday.
l know, l know.
Why can'tyou do it?
l gota commercial.
You gota commercial?
Yeah, national.
National?
Guinness.
Guinness?
Oh, yo lucky bastard.
So then
why are you crying?
My girljust left my, bro.
You're crying because
yourgirl left yo ?
Are yo kidding me?
No, dude.
l'd trade a chick
fora national commercial
any day of the week.
Come on , there's
a million other
chicks out there.
l don't think
l can live without her.
Oh, give me a break.
Jesus Christ, Ken!
What are you doing?
Sorry, l need movie time.
Haven't yo ever
heard ofMoviefone?
Oh, God!
Oh!
What was that?
Nothing. Ken's on
a sexual rampage again.
l should go gay.
l'd get more ass that way.
Come on , bro.
All right, l'll do it,
but yo owe me.
funny voice
Hey, kids, how ya doin'?
Come on over.
kids
Yay!
How's everybody doin'?
kids
Good!
What's the difference
between snotand spinach?
kids
What?
Kids won't eat spinach.
kids laugh
Hey, you guys
wanna see a trick?
kids
Yeah!
Well, l'm gonna
need an assistant.
Who should
l get over here?
Howabot the birthday
girl Shelby?
Shelby, l'm gonna
pick yo to volunteer.
Well, how can she
be a volunteer if
you're picking her?
Who are you, Judge Judy?
What am l supposed to do?
Why don'tyou come over
here and hold this hat?
Hey, get over here,
you varmints!
Shelby, give him
his nose back.
Get over here!
l'm gonna get ya!
Get over here!
You knowwhat,
you keep that one!
l'll take his!
Besides, his is
funnier looking.
Get over here!
Give me that nose!
kids shouting
Give me that face!
l only smoke when l drink
l only drink when l breathe
They're some great kids, man.
Thanks.
l always wanted
to be a dad some day.
burps
ls it hard?
No, man, being
a good dad's easy.
lt's being
that good husband thing
that gets a little tricky.
l know, right?
lt's hard being
faithful, isn't it?
Well--
telephone rings
Nah, you know what?
lf you're really in love,
you find the right girl,
then afterthat,
you don 't even pay
attention to otherwomen.
Oh, my God, you're
such a big guy.
Oh, Seamus!
Woman
Seamus, pick up the phone!
Hold on. Hello?
Yeah, Edgar.
Are yo kidding me, Edgar?
You're fucking leaving me
fora cruise ship?
Look, l knowthatyou've
done me a ton offavors--
Motherfuckerjust
put me on hold.
What an asshole.
Fuck.
Yeah, Edgar.
Look, l'm sorry,
but there's no way
l'd keep it available
foryo till yo get back.
Fine. Think Titanic. Bye.
God damn.
Fucker.
You know, my wife tells
me you're a good actor.
Hey, thanks, man.
Great with the kids.
You know, l'm a producerfor
Vito and Valerie's wedding.
Really? Get ot ofhere.
l'm a big
fan ofthat show.
A big fan.
Yeah, right. Anyway...
What would you think about,
just fora little while, now,
taking overthe part
ofDanny, the best man?
l would love to
Doesn't mean
you're not gonna pay me
forthe party, does it?
No, man, l'll still pay.
Butyou gotta know,
Vito and Valerie's
is one weird place to be.
What cold be
weirderthan this?
Vito, you can
forget about it
because l'm not
marrying you.
Butwe're already married.
Well, nowwe're
officially unmarried.
Nowwhatwe'd like you
to do is talk to
some ofthe actors
who are going to be main
characters in the show.
Jillian plays Valerie.
Paul plays Vito.
Edgar, who you are
replacing as Danny,
and his showgirl
friend Natalie,
played by Danielle. okay?
Okay. Great.
Look, it's all about reality.
Acting is about reality.
Yeah, l know, l'm an actor.
l don't know
what you heard before,
but acting is about reality.
Yeah, dude, l know,
l'm an actor.
l took acting lessons
foryears.
You gotta be real.
You have to be real,
do you understand?
The moments,
they need to be real.
You'll be great.
That's what acting is.
lt's based in...
Reality.
lt's about reality, isn't it?
Okay, Valerie is
the star ofthe show .
Danny is not the star
of the show, okay?
Danny's the best man.
Now, Valerie and Danny,
they don't get along.
Danny does bestwhen he
stays out ofValerie's way.
Okay.
Danny deals drugs,
sells stolen carstereos,
but best of all,
Danny gets to fuck around.
What do you mean?
Well, yo know, gets to
flirt with the audience,
talk about his
sexual escapades.
ln fact, Danny tells 'em
one time he banged
this blond bimbo
on the pooltable
at Mr. Angelino's club.
Wow .
Yeah, shoved a pool cue
straight up herass.
Think...pig.
The sell is good.
Danny and Natalie
have the best relationship.
The most important
thing to remember
is that we are really in love.
We believe that
we have one ofthe best
and most wonderful
relationships in the show.
l'm a little confused.
Edgartold me
that Danny
gets to fool
around all the time.
What?
Yeah, in fact, he told me
he banged a girl on the pool
table at Mr. Angelino's club.
Are yo kidding me?
No.
That...motherfucker's
cheating on me?
Look, l don 't know
what he told you,
but Danny is a faithful guy
in a happy relationship.
l won't even tell you what
he did with the pool cue.
l don't get it, Ern.
There's, like,
nobody attractive
in the whole
frickin' play.
You would think
with at least 20
some-odd cast members,
there'd be at least
one that's my type.
You mean to tell me
not one guy was yourtype?
Very funny.
What do you care, anyway?
You gota legitimate
actingjob
instead of playing a clown
forsome dopey kids.
Yeah, l know.
ljust had the feeling
l'd meet at least
one decent chick
in the whole play.
l gotta get in shape.
What do you think
l should give up first,
drinking orsmoking?
Howabot eating?
So why do you
come to the gym anyway?
Forthe chicks.
Everybody knows
the hottest chicks
hang out at the gym.
That's how they stay hot.
Hey, chicks.
See me training
forthe Olympics?
Really? So soon.
l thought the Special olympics
didn't starttill June.
Nowwe have the wedding
These two loving hearts
They love one another
l'll break--
Nope.
And nowwe have--
Damn. Ow!
God .
Hi.
Hi.
l hearyou wentto NYU.
Uh, yeah.
So did l.
Oh, yeah. Great.
Okay. well...
Nice meeting you.
Thomas
Yeah, great.
Oh, damn.
What an asshole.
Who does he think
he is, De Niro?
Everything looks fabulous.
Butwhere are the balloons?
Jimmy, where
are the balloons?
Look, Rocco, it's
a long story, okay?
Jimmy, where
are the balloons?
Look, yesterday
l went overto Rocco's,
and...l'll go
check the rectory.
You check yourrectum.
God , where are the balloons?
Don't worry about it, Rocco.
lt'll be fine.
lt's just balloons, all right?
Look at Mrs. G.
She said she lost 30 ponds
forthe wedding.
lt's like throwing a deck chair
offthe Queen Mary.
laughter
She's like Barney.
l love you,
l love food
laughter
Oh, my God.
lt is so nice
to finally meetyou.
You look just like
that, um, actress
from The Poseidon
Adventure.
Oh, my God,
what's hername?
Um, uh...
gasps
Oh, yeah.
Ernest Borgnine.
You don't say.
That's a really
beautiful hat
you're wearing.
Well, l never.
Hey, Eddie Gaga.
Howyo doin'?
When'd you get out?
How's the family?
You gotmy money?
We celebrate the wedding
OfVito and Valerie
Yi yi yi yi yi yi yah
Cmo ests?
Brooklyn in the hose! Hey!
Dear brothers and sisters,
we gatherhere today
to celebrate the love
of Vito and Valerie.
speakingforeign language
And let's make it quick
because l got a funeral at 9.
Please kiss the bride.
So, how' d you feel
about doing the show?
l was a little nervous, man.
Okay, l guess.
You had a better
first day than Edgar.
l think he pissed himself.
Paul, l gotta ask you
a question.
How come there's no
hot chicks in this show?
l mean, who cast it?
Rocco?
laughs
Aw, there's a cople.
Not Gillian.
Danielle is a whacko
What abot Jennifer?
Jennifer.
Who's Jennifer?
The girl that
plays Marilyn.
You mean the ditz?
Oh, come on .
She's notthat pretty.
l don't know , man.
Jennifer is one of
the hottest girls
in the show .
No, that's the chick
that plays Marilyn, man.
She's way too
trashy looking.
Okay, yeah.
The trashy ditz
not so pretty,
that's nice.
l'm out of here.
Yeah, all right.
Wait, it's you.
You're Marilyn?
Oh, my God,
you were great.
No, l'm Jennifer,
the girl who plays Marilyn.
Also the girl who tried
to talk to you earlier.
You kind of blew heroff.
Nowl knowwhy.
Why?
'Cause yo 're a jerk.
Take care, Paul.
Later, Jennifer.
Yeah.
Hey, wait.
sputters
That was beautiful.
sighs
Hi.
Hey, howare you?
Fine. How are you?
Good.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Stop, stop , stop, stop , stop!
Please, please.
That was you.
You know, the guitar,
the string, the eye.
And then you were
in character,
you have
a ditzy accent...
Yeah, l was acting.
And you were great.
Big fan. Big fan.
Don't kiss up.
Look, l'm sorry.
Whatever.
We are getting off
to a bad start here.
Cold we start again,
please?
Can we start again,
please?
Yeah.
Cold we start again,
please?
Looks like yo 've made
yourpoint now
Hey, l'm leaving.
Oh, no, no, no
l'm just kidding.
l promise,
no more singing.
Butwhere are yo
going tonight
My little angel?
laughs
Okay. You're a whacko
l'm an idiot ,
actually, but...
A little bit.
He's the idiot.
This guy's an asshole.
l'm a good guy.
So where are you going?
Uh, oh, God.
Afew of us from the cast
are going to try and get in
a scar party at Tattoo.
Tattoo ?
Are yo kidding me?
l knowthe boncerthere.
l can get us on the list.
No, don't try
and be nice now.
l am nice.
Just gotta
get to know me.
l grow on people.
Like a fungus.
scoffs
dance
Thanks forgetting us
in the club.
No problem.
So, am l forgiven orwhat?
Ohhh...almost.
Well, how can l complete
youract offorgiveness?
Wow , this dance is,
you know , not hurting,
but, uh,
how about a drink?
What do you want?
Whiskey, baby.
You got it.
laughs
Can l get a whiskey,
please?
Trying to get
this girl to like me.
Want a tip?
Sure.
Stop dancing.
Very funny.
Excuse me, sir.
Excuse me.
Sir?
Excuse me--
Man, get away from me.
Sir, if you don't mind,
l'd like to cut in here.
l mind.
Nowback off ofme
before l kick yourass.
Oh, l see.
Big mouth
to overcompensate
my tiny little penis.
Excuse me, asshole--
l mean, sir--
but l am with her.
And if you don't take
yourstinkin' hands off her,
l'm gonna kick yorass
all overthe dance floor.
Oh, willyou?
Yes. l think.
B-b-b-b-b-b...
So, am l forgiven?
laughs
Yes.
Thank you.
So do yo have
a boyfriend?
Oh, not really.
Not really?
We're kind of
on the outs right now.
Oh. How come?
Uh...he treats me
like a sex object,
he, yo know, neverlistens
to anything l say,
he doesn't care about
what l do or howl feel.
l don't think he's heard a word
l said in the last two years.
And you?
What?
laughs
l'm kidding.
l'm so kidding.
laughs
Ohhh.
No. ljust ended
my relationship
with my last girlfriend.
l'm sorry.
Oh, no, no, no
l cheated on her.
Man, l meetall the winners.
That's horrible.
Yeah, l know,
but she was never
rightforme anyway.
Uh-huh.
French fries
and brown gravy.
Thank you.
Thank you.
So, yo were saying?
Well...nevermind.
No, come on, say it.
ljust don't think
l could be happy
in a monogamous
relationship.
l mean, l'll never
cheat oranything.
l felt horrible
after doing that.
l'll-- l'll never
do it again.
So what are yo saying?
Are yo sure you won't
think l'm a schmuck
forsaying this?
l betl will think
you're a schmuck,
but yo should
go ahead and say it.
Well, in one second
you might be needing this.
See, in a perfect world,
l would like girlfriend to be
with otherwomen with me.
There, l said it.
l don't think
that's that weird.
You don't?
No.
Lots of girls have been
with otherwomen,
orat least, yo know,
thought about it.
That's totally something
l would do if l were
in love with a guy.
You would?
Yeah. l mean...
Wold yo let the woman
be with othermen in this?
No way!
Absolutely not!
Oh, God, first of all,
l'm way too insecure,
and the thought of touching
another man's naked, hairy ass
would make me puke.
And there's nothing
l want more
than a little muff
in the morning.
laughs
You want another
steak to go?
Uh, no,
that's okay.
So have yo everbeen
with a woman?
Oh.
Oh, Lordy!
Cold l have
the check, please?
Thank you.
That would be great.
l have neverbeen.
But...you know,
l've fantasized about it.
And when l was
in ninth grade,
l used to kiss
my best girlfriend.
l mean, we were preparing
forwhen guys would kiss us.
giggles
Oh, my God.
With tongue?
No, with elbow.
Wow .
So l take it
that might be
something you'd be
interested in?
Well...l don't know.
l mean...
l guess l think
if two people
love each other,
then they shouldn't
stop themselves
from being happy.
And, ifl knew
the guy loved me,
and l was numberone
with him...
then, yeah, l guess
l would be okay with that.
Oh, my God, you are
the perfect woman.
l know.
laughing
How's your eye?
Eye?
Uh-huh.
Oh, the eye.
Uh-huh.
l feel like a moron
with this on my face.
You look a little
like a moron.
Do you want some?
Here you go
No!
giggling
So yourparents
ever come see the show?
My dad did.
My mom...
Ugh, forget about it.
l don't even know
where she is, so ..
What is she,
a flight attendant?
No, a drug addict.
Aw,jeez, l'm sorry.
Yeah, you know.
She was never really around
when l was growing up.
My dad divorced her
when we were fiive,
raised us on his own.
But que sera sera.
Whateverwill be
will be
Okay, yo promised.
l'm sorry.
This is me.
Well, l had a great time.
Yeah, me, too.
l'm sorry about youreye.
Aw, that's all right.
Well... this is
where l decide
if l should
kiss yo ornot.
Wold yo like to kiss me?
Wold l like to
l would love to
The question is,
would you like to kiss me?
l guess you're just
going to have to find out.
Oh, God.
All right.
Mm...
You think maybe
this is where l should
ask foryor phone number?
laughs
When you think you're
all alone in the world
no audible dialogue
When you think you've
neverever been heard
Probably right,
it's probably true
'Cause nobody cares
As much as you do
When you wake me
in the middle ofthe night
l can't always reply,
but l'll try
Some dreams
are just foryou
Not even l can care
as much as you'd like me to
'Cause nobody cares
As much as you do
no audible dialogue
When l have
forgotten my name
You call it out
and there l am again
moaning
l'm ready.
All right,
hold on a second.
l'll hurry. oh!
No, no!
No, notforthat.
Oh, God.
moaning
l meant...to be
with otherwomen.
What? Really?
Yeah. Well, l mean,
l knowit's going to
make you happy and...
l think we should
talk about it.
l don't wantto do
anything that you'd
be uncomfortable doing.
No, it's not that.
l'm good with doing it.
And you don't mind me
participating in it?
No, notatall.
giggles
All right, great.
Well, l have
a plan of attack--
Okay, but...
there are going
to be some rules.
Rules?
Rule number one:
we can't be with somebody
that we already know.
No problem.
Rule numbertwo:
we can't be with
anybody at our place,
because l don'twant
these women to know
where we live.
Okay.
Rule numberthree:
l understand yo 're going
to want to tell yourfriends,
but only one friend
and that's it.
Why?
Because l don't want,
like, my personal life
hitting the gossip pages
on the show.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
l might have to draw
the line there.
What good is this shit
if l can't brag about it?
Okay, then.
Forget about it.
No, no, all right.
Just kidding,just kidding.
But psychologists aren't
considered friends, right?
What? No.
Yeah, fine, fine.
Great. Easy enogh.
And lastly,
rule numberfor:
whoeverwe have sex with
we can never
be with them again.
You can never,
and l mean ever,
see thatwoman again,
be it socially,
business, whatever.
Why?
Because l don't want
to have a relationship
with these people.
That would be weird.
ditzy accent
lt wold ruin
the whole thing.
Okay, l guess
l could do that.
l betyou can.
laughs
All right,
where do we find her?
Oh, l got a plan.
l have a friend
at Make a wish.
laughing
Oh, God.
no audible dialogue
Jen, come on!
Jen, come on!
Jen! Come on!
Jen, l love you.
Come on , that girl
was ugly nextto you.
You're so much
hotterthan her.
Please. God , l don 't think
this is going to work.
Can't we just
do each other?
Jen, l was just going to do it
like l thoght yo would, too.
Come on , Jen, yo 're
the only one for me.
l love you.
Come on , this is just
about sex, right?
Ugh. All right, yes.
l'm sorry.
lt's just
the first time, okay?
lt's going to take
a little getting used to.
Allthe guys in there,
staring?
Can't we just use
a prostitute?
That way, it wold just be
the three of us at least.
You got it.
Thomas
l think l'm in love.
lt was wonderful!
l'm in love!
l can't believe it!
Well, Thomas, that's great.
She's having a hard time
getting into being with
the otherwomen thing.
l mean,
she wants to and all.
We just gotta fiind
the right situation.
Well, yo do realize
that you're asking a lot.
Well, yeah.
And you knowshe loves yo .
Yeah.
See, Thomas,
that's where l think
we're having
ourlittle problem.
What?
Thomas, you don 't really
think she loves you.
Derek, l know
she loves me.
Thomas, you never
felt loved by yourfamily,
so how can yo expect
to feel loved now?
ln fact, you are so scared
of not being loved,
you push people away
before they have
a chance to hurt you.
l mean, Kelly loved you,
but yo didn't think so.
And now Jennifer loves you.
ln fact, she's willing to have
sex with otherwomen foryou.
Thomas, you have got
to realize that yourfamily
through the eyes of you
as a kid is no more.
Yeah.
Stop hearing allthose
negative things
yourfamily said to you
and realize that
when you were a kid
you digested the horrible,
negative thoghts,
and a part of you
has made them
yourown thoghts.
Basically, Thomas,
just realize that Jennifer
is not yorsiblings
oryorfather.
Thomas.
Thomas!
Oh!
clock ticking
Time's up.
ding
Wonder Burger!
different inflections
Wonder Burger. wonderBurger.
Wonder Burger.
Hey, Ern, you get
these prostitutes.
Where do you getthem from ?
All right!
l see Project Three-way
is back up and running.
Dude, what caliber
of slut do you want?
l don't know , someone hot.
Notany sleazy coke whore
oranything.
l knowwhatyou want, man.
You want the Park Avenue
variety, right?
Dude.
Whoa . Howmuch?
whispering
$700 a night?
Are yo kidding?
changing inflections
l love you, too, honey!
l love you, too, honey!
What, you want
the best, don't you?
You don't wantto wind up
with the sluts thatl bang
when l'm out of cash, do yo ?
No. No, that's all right.
The last one had
more chest hairthan me.
Think her name was Loie.
Thomas Burns, yo 're next.
Oh.
All right,
see you later, Ern.
l was here first.
Hi.
Hi.
door closes
Hi, guys.
Thomas, this is Miranda
and this is Benjamin.
Benjamin.
Sorry.
Hey, Benjamin.
Benjamin.
Oh, sorry.
Howare you?
l want you to just...
slate yourname
forthe camera, okay?
And just begin.
All right.
Hey, look, there are two ways
l could go with this, you know ?
ls it okay ifl try them both?
l'm sure that
both ofyorchoices
are going to be
just so great,
but really, we have
a lot of people to run,
so just do yourfavorite.
Thomas,just go
with yourgut.
l loved your
cell phone commercial.
Yeah, upstaged by a monkey?
Okay, can we
get started, please?
Thank you.
clears throat
Okay.
expels breath
Hi, my name is Thomas Burns.
My agent is Joseph Weiner.
Honey, where were you?
You know,
l was driving home
and l was thinking
ofhow much l loved you,
so l decided
to bring yo home
a little surprise.
Flowers?
Betterthan that.
Diamonds?
Betterthan that.
A new car?
Even betterthan that!
Honey, what could it be?
Wonder Burgers!
Oh, my God,
Wonder Burgers.
l love you.
l love you, too.
Nowlet's eat!
And, cut.
Thank you.
Howwas l?
You were great.
Thanks, Ben-hey-mean.
Ben-ha-mean.
Sorry. Take care.
How'd it go?
Okay, l guess.
Well, yo neverknow.
See ya.
Oh, Ern, Ern,
got a tip foryou.
The guy in there,
he loves to be called
by his fiirst name.
Which--which is?
Benjamin.
Thanks, man.
All right, take care.
Good luck!
Benjamin.
Wonder Burger.
changes inflection
Wonder Burger.
So where'd you get
this hooker's number, huh?
Eh, it's the place
Ernie always uses.
Ernie?
l don't wantto have sex
with someone Ernie's been with.
Why? He's a normal,
upstanding citizen
kind of guy.
Oh, yeah, right.
He's with prostitutes.
Look. Here, l got these numbers
out of the YellowPages.
Pick one.
Oh, thank yo ,
darling.
All right, fine.
dialing phone
Yeah, hi.
Can l get one ofyor
best body prostitutes?
laughs
Escorts. Sorry.
Yeah. Hold on .
Do you want blond,
brunette,
black, white,
Asian, Latina?
l don't care.
Well--Well,
l've never had Asian,
but Latina
sounds scrumptios.
God , it's like you're
ordering take-out.
All right,
you knowwhat?
Whoeveryou can
get here the quickest.
All right.
You have a part-time
aerobics instructor.
Perfect!
Make sure they bring
a dental damn.
H-- Hold on .
Awhat?
A dental damn.
l don't want
to get diseases.
Cold yo bring
a dental damn?
You don't have
dental damns.
What would that be for?
Okay, l get it, l get it.
No--
Wait. Could you
hold on a second?
What?
Ask herto bring
Saran wrap.
Saran wrap?
Yes.
Are yo kidding?
No, do it.
clears throat
All right, cold yo
pick up Saran wrap?
Look, l knowyou're
not a grocery store.
l'll throwin an extra 50 bucks
if you bring Saran wrap.
Great! okay,
my credit card number is--
yelps
Oh, my God, hold--
l'm so sorry.
Just hold on a second.
What?
Then they're going
to knowwho we are.
Yeah?
So l don'twant
fuck me flyers
coming to my house
forthe rest
of my natural life.
Fuck me flyer?
All right, l'm just
going to pay cash.
Yes, the Edwards Hotel,
room 1904.
Thank you.
Bye.
l can't believe
l have a hooker
picking us up
Saran wrap from a deli.
giggling
Honey, that weed
has made me hungry.
Shold l call back
and have her get
some chicken cutlets
while she's there?
You're wasted.
cackling
All right.
shivering
Okay.
punching buttons
l need $100 fora tip.
punching buttons
machine whirring
Keep the change,
my friend.
l'm getting laid!
And you're only
giving me seven?
Heh, very funny.
Hi, l'm Sally.
Anyone orderSaran Wrap?
Uh, h-hi.
l'm Jennifer
and this is Thomas.
Hi, Sally.
So nice to meet yo .
Hi.
l'm sorry about the Saran wrap.
We've neverdone this before.
We're a little nervous.
That's all right.
Yourwife
is completely gorgeous!
Relax.
This shold be fun.
Wold yo like a drink?
Sure.
How's vodka
and cranberry?
Sonds great.
So do l pay you
the 500 up front
or do l pay yo later?
recordscratches
They told me 500.
Did they tellyou that?
No. 500 is forone person.
lf there's two people,
it's gonna be 800.
clicks tongue
You gotta
be kidding me.
All right, hold on .
l'll be right back.
You still want this?
All right.
All right, she said $800.
l have $600.
Which means l need $200.
Oh, and then
there's the tip.
Man, l'm so freakin' wasted.
Well, fora few more dollars
l could be, too.
machine whirring
So, are you still
seeing him?
No. Haven't heard
from him in weeks.
Do you think
it was the job?
Nah. That's howwe met.
Never bothered him before.
Uff.
Men.
Men.
Okay, let's party!
Ho ho ho!
Whoa !
Wow !
So nowwhat?
Well, nowwe get
undressed.
We get undressed!
lt's okay.
giggling
What are you
waiting for?
Come on , baby,
give me kisses.
Mm. Ah.
Oh, no tongue.
No tongue? Really?
Yeah. Safety reasons.
And going down
on my girlfriend's okay?
Well, yes, but the $800
doesn't include that.
What does it include?
Well, kissing, touching,
feeling, intercourse.
And no cunnilinguses?
Well, that would be extra.
What the fuck yo think
the Saran Wrap was for?
l don't know ,
chicken cutlets?
Thomas
Oh, man!
You knowwhat?
lt's okay.
l don't need it.
No, no, no, no, no.
Howmuch foreverything?
Athousand dollars
for everything.
Athousand dollars?
Athousand dollars?
All right, Jen,
just don 't worry abot it.
This whole experience can't
be mired with restrictions.
That would suck.
l feel like l'm having sex
with a traffiic cop .
All right,
l'll be right back.
Stay here,
get more undressed!
This chick ain'ta prostitute,
she's a freakin'thief.
What's going on?
lt's out of money?
You gotta be kidding me!
This has gotta be
some kind ofmistake.
So was youroutfit.
Oh, come on !
Come on !
All right, l gotta go
to anotherATM.
All right. Taxi!
Taxi!
Are yo kidding me?
You dick!
Taxi!
Taxi!
l hope he gets here soon.
l have a bachelor
party at 12.
Mm, l wonderwhat's
taking him so long.
harps
What the world needs
is love, lots more love.
lt's like
that Hendricks song.
The Hendricks?
Hendricks to me, Hendricks?
He said, Let love rule.
That was Lenny Kravitz.
Right. l'm just saying
there's so much hatred.
We need love instead.
Who are you, John Lennon?
Nah, l don't even
like the Stones.
He was in The Beatles.
Eh...
tires screeching
pounding
Wake up!
Bush, Bush is the one
that brought in all the hatred.
You knowwhatl'm saying?
He's-- He's the dumbest thing
l eversaw in my life.
lt's the fiirst
presidentwe have
that l think
l'm smarterthan.
l'm not saying
l'm a genius,
but l cold take this guy
in a Scrabble game, yo know?
pounding
Take him in Scrabble?
You can't take me two blocks
without falling asleep.
Bush is so money hungry
and oil thirsty,
he's the one that's causing
allthese problems.
He really is.
All right, we're here.
All right, dude,
can you wait here?
l'll be right back.
All right,
but the meter's
gonna keep running.
Yeah, not as much
as your moth.
Cabbie?
l can't. l'm waiting
forthe guy by the ATM.
Aw, come on , dude,
you have to hook me up.
Howmuch is the meter?
lt's fiive, but l can't.
l'll give yo
twice as much
if you let us in.
Come on , above the fare.
Nah, it's wrong.
l'm waiting forthe guy.
l can't.
Clark!
Come on , man, l'm never
going to get a cab
this late at night.
Do me a favor,
hearme out.
l'll give yo $20
before you start the meter.
How does that sond?
All right,
get in, get in.
Go
Hey!
What are you,
kidding me?
Clark
Oh, cabbie, wake up!
Wake up, cabbie!
Wake up!
What's the weirdestthing
that's everhappened to you?
Mm, one time a guy asked me
to shit on his head.
Yeah.
Oh...
Uh-oh.
gurgling
Jennifer
Oh, God!
How can you eat that?
That spicy food would have me
running to the bathroom.
You kidding?
l got one of those
cast-iron stomach.
Ugh, you're lucky.
No, l'm a man, baby.
My stomach
is built forwar.
laughing
Oh, yo 're going
to be sorry.
gurgling
Oh, my God.
Oh, God. oh...
Help! Help!
Stop! Help!
Help! Stop!
Let go
Help! Help!
Oh, God.
This is awful.
Let go
farting
gurgling
toilets flushing
farting
plopping
farting
plopping
farting, plopping
grunting
grunting
farting, plopping
screaming
grunting
Oh! Oh!
whispering
What?...
l wonderwhat she ate.
sotto voce
Oh, no
Holy shit.
Oh, no
farts
Hello?
Excuse me?
high voice
l'll be out in a minute.
Ugh! Sorry!
Wait a second, yo 're not
even in a wheelchair.
nervous laugh
Ate some bad stuff.
Come on , already.
farts
Aw, shit.
Get ot ofthere already.
l'll be right out.
farting
bang
Come on !
normal voice
Just give me a break!
Come on !
bang
Hello?
bang
bang
Come on , l've gotta
take a shit!
bang
Ugh.
toilet flushes
l mean, do you everthink
why the national debt
keeps getting higher?
Justthink, if the president
just taxed everybody
anotherdollar,
we'd just wipe
the whole thing ot?
Hmm.
sighs
Come on .
men laughing
ding
Hello.
Hello.
Hey, dude, let me
ask you something.
lfl say hello,
why can't yo respond
with hello?
ls that thatfuckin' hard?
ls that gonna ruin
yourwhole freakin' night?
Hello.
There.
Did that hurt
yourtonsils?
You must be having
a bad night.
Yes, l am!
You're very observant,
Sherlock, aren't you?
Who's this,
yourpartner?
You, Watson,
do you speak?
Do you? ordo you
communicate telepathically?
Because ifyou do,
could you hear
what l'm thinking now ?
ding
He says you can go
fuck yourself, too.
Nowhowthe fuck did he know
l was thinking that?
sighs
What's going on?
Honey, she's gotta leave.
l'm sorry.
You took too long.
What the fuck
is this?
You knowwhat?
lt's really okay.
l'm getting
kind oftired anyway.
What?
Just relax.
Relax?
l was just all over
Manhattan getting cash.
Look, l gotta go.
l'm sorry.
Do you have my $500?
$500,
are yo kidding?
Hey, it's not my fault
you didn't have the money.
Just pay her.
Oh, my God.
Night. Be safe.
So that's it, huh?
You knowwhat, honey?
lt's okay.
We will do this
anothertime.
Jesus Christ,
this sucks.
lt's kind of funny
if you think about it.
lt's kind of funny?
ljust wiped my ass
with a hundred bucks.
l thought itwas 500.
Goddamn ATMs
only give you 20s.
Come on , cheer up.
We'll getthis right
one ofthese days.
Now come on ,
let's get crazy.
Wait. Howmuch is this
going to cost me?
laughs
Come on .
whistles
Hmm.
l don't know , Thomas.
l've been thinking
maybe l should settle down,
start a family.
Afamily?
Jeez, Ern,
what brought this up?
yelling in foreign language
Hmm.
Huh.
Well, l don 't know.
l'm not getting any yonger.
My mom keeps
bugging me to spawn.
Ernie, do yo ever
do anything
that yourmommy
doesn't tell you to do
yelling in foreign language
Sure l do.
Like what?
l don't know .
She wanted me to be a doctor
ora lawyerand l'm not.
That's because you got
a 400 on yourSATs.
l gota big date
tonight.
Oh, yeah?
Howmuch she charge?
Actually,
it's nota real date.
lt's one ofthose
Jewish singles dating things.
What the fuck?
Whoa !
gibberish
Let's just go by the hole;
she'll neverhit it there.
Leave it to this cheap
public golf corse
to team us up
with the yin-yang twins.
Hey, Ernie, Jenniferand l
are going to go see
Darla weddings
play tonight.
You wanna come?
No, man.
l gotthis
Jewish singles thing.
Ow! oh!
Jesus Christ!
yelling in foreign language
opening soda can
yelling in foreign language
...chubby!
Hey, yell at me,
l'll fucking--
Hey, hey!
Calm down, Ernie.
Calm down.
Lunatic!
Nobody's gonna tell me
Howto make a newfriend
l'm on my own again
Thank you and have
a good night.
lsn't she great?
Eh, she was all right.
laughs
l'm just kidding.
She's great.
l need a drink.
Come on .
All right.
Hey, man,
you got a Guinness?
Uh, Guinness.
Uh, uh, l...
Tom . Tom Burns.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's me,
Dorman Howell.
Oh, Dorman Howell.
Howyo doing, man?
l'm good, man.
Howyo doing?
How's it going?
lt's going good, man.
This is my girlfriend
Jennifer.
Hey, there.
Nice to meet you.
Hey, there, yourself.
chuckles
Did you guys
enjoy the show?
Yes.
Yeah, she was great, man.
She's really good.
l dig it, l dig it.
Hey, do you guys wanna--
you guys wanna meet her?
l'm-- l'm friends with her.
Get otta here.
Yeah.
You're friends
with her?
Yeah.
You have a friend?
Shh!
l got...one.
God .
He was hated in college.
He's gonna get us backstage.
Exceptforyo .
Thanks for remembering.
laughing
You guys wanna
get backstage?
Yeah. Sure.
Yeah. Yeah.
Come on .
l'll introduce you.
Oh, my God.
All right, let's go.
You owe me forthis.
l know.
laughs
crowdwhistles, cheers
Hey.
whistles
Hey, baby.
Good to see yo .
Darla, come here
for one sec.
Darla, this is
Jenniferand Tom .
They're friends ofmine.
Hi, Darla.
Hey.
Big fan, big fan.
Thank you.
Thanks forcoming.
Oh, it's wonderful
to meet you.
Yeah, you, too.
Thanks forcoming.
Darla, Tom's an old
college buddy of mine.
You might recognize him
from the Sprint PCS
commercials.
Yeah, l'm the guy
that places a call
to a monkey.
Oh, of corse.
Yeah, like you saw it.
Not really.
l didn't think so
No, l don't
think so, either.
Drinks?
You'd ladies
like some drinks.
Oh, yes.
You calling me a lady?
l think l am.
Yeah, l'll have a beer.
Are yo buying?
Oh, yo are
such a cheapo.
Good, good, 'cause
l have no money.
Oh, God.
Wild Turkey.
Hello?
Uh, yeah,
what she's having.
Oh. well, really?
l gotta tell you,
you were really
great tonight.
giggles
Thank you.
So, howlong have you
been with Thomas?
Oh, like six months.
Wow , six months?
That's a long time.
chuckles
Good foryou.
Are yo faithful?
Well, yo know,
we have an arrangement.
Sort of.
Really?
What, so yo 're
allowed to cheat?
No, but, uh, we--
He--We...
...are with otherwomen.
At least,
we would like to be.
Well, that sounds like
a really good
arrangement for him.
l hope you getto be
with othermen, too .
Well, not exactly.
Well, it sounds like
he's gotthe betterend
of the deal, then, huh?
ln fact, l know
he's gotthe better
end ofthe deal.
You wanna hear
my impression of Yoda?
Mm-hmm.
imitating Yoda
Mmm, a Jediyou are.
chuckles
Wanna hearmy impression
of Groverfrom Sesame Street?
Uh-huh.
same voice
Mmm, a Jediyou are.
laughs
You get it?
lt's the same guy.
You get it?
Oh, l'm such an idiot.
Hey, Darla.
Hey.
Hey, when's your
album coming out.
l don't know ,
a couple months,
l guess.
Oh, so exciting.
Yeah.
Yeah, l loved that
last song yo did.
Oh, thank yo .
l think l could sing
the chorus of it.
No.
No. No.
God .
l always thoght l was
a good singer, yo know?
Come on .
You knowwhat, you guys,
let's get out of here.
You want to come back
to my place and
get some drinks?
chuckles Yeah.
Yeah, come on.
Let's go.
laughing
Hey. okay, so, there's
drinks overthere,
there's joints
on the coffee table,
and l'm gonna
go clean up,
and l'll be back.
Man, this is great.
Such a nice place.
God .
So, how cool is this?
A Darla weedings lighter.
l wonderhow much
l could getfor
this on e-bay.
Thomas Burns,
put that back.
Putthat back.
l guess we should
smoke, huh?
lf a gay guy gets
a bartellis in,
is that foreplay?
lt's good forhim.
both laughing
So, Thomas, Jennifer
tells me ofyour
little arrangement.
And it sounds
pretty interesting.
Arrangement?
Yeah, l mean,
l've been wanting to fuck
yourgirlfriend all night.
lf thatmeans
l have to fuck you, too,
well, l'll take it.
Really?
You're serios?
Uh-huh.
Do you want to
watch me kiss her?
Fuck yeah.
Oh, man.
Whoa .
Oh, my God.
Gracias, mi amigas
Gracias, mi amigas
Gracias, mi amigas
Seven times.
lt's gotta be
some kind of record.
Seven times.
Man, thatwas great.
Man, thatwas great.
God , Darla's so cute.
She's gotthat kick-ass body.
Did ljust say that out loud?
What an idiot!
Oh, TMl!
Did ljust say TMl?
Oh, how gay am l?
Pull over.
What?
What's the matter?
Jen, what's wrong?
Nothing.
What do you mean, nothing?
Something's bothering yo .
Tell me what it is.
You were
all over hertonight.
l mightas well not
have even been there.
Oh, come on , it was--
That's ridiculos.
No, nowyo 're going on
about how hot she is,
and howperfect
her body is.
Jen,just perfect forus.
l mean, you know,
forthe first time
we do this, come on.
l mean, you know,
l was just saying--
l mean, how lucky
did we get
to have the first girl
be this cute?
Do you want
to keep talking?
Really?
No, l'm just saying.
Okay, l'm sorry.
l'm really sorry.
lt's just the first time.
l got excited.
l'm an idiot .
l promise.
Please, don't
make me beg you.
l love you.
l'm an idiot .
l promise, l'm a schmuck.
How do you say
it in Jewish?
l'm a schmuck.
Please, help me out.
Shut up, already.
Shut up, already.
All right,
shut up. Shut up.
So, are you and Jennifer
gonna see Darla again?
We kind of have this rule
that we're only supposed to
be with a girl once,
but Darla was great, man.
A regularpro.
l see.
Howabot yo , Derek?
l mean, do you have a...
...girlfriend?
Well, this isn't
about me, Thomas,
but, no, l haven't
found that special...
...someone as of late.
Well, it's getting to be
about thattime, so...
Hey, um, Darla called.
She wants to
hang out tonight,
maybe get some drinks.
Yes!
What?
Nothing, l'm just having--
You know, some people
in the gym over here.
Really?
l mean, l know it's
breaking rule numberone,
but, um, l don 't mind
if you don 't.
l don't have
a problem with it,
unless, of course, you do.
No, l don't have
a problem with it.
Oh.
Butl told Ernie l'd
meet him fora few drinks.
Oh.
ls it all right ifhe
came fora little while?
Don't worry,
he can't stay long.
Fine.
Yeah, it's been
really hard to have
some serious relationships
while l'm on the road.
Oh.
Who has better
come on lines,
men orwomen?
Well, l really
wouldn't know
'cause l'm too busy
coming on to the women.
laughs
Come on ,
what about the men?
The men?
Uh-huh.
Oh, please.
The men.
God , l don 't think
they really care
about anything else
except their own penis.
Damn, that place
is way too loud.
l couldn't
even hear myself.
You know, my father
was deaf in his right ear,
which is weird,
because that's the ear
he always wanted me
to talk into.
l don't like lod music.
That's how you get tinnitus.
That's a constant
ringing in yourears
that could lead to deafness,
which wold just be awful.
So how does one
get this tinnitus?
Lod music,
ljust told you that.
Aren'tyou listening
to what l'm saying?
Don't worry,
l'm not mad.
l'm a very
forgiving person.
My father
told me l was...
Hey, what's up?
Oh.
Hey, baby.
What's going on?
Am l late?
lt's 10:00.
No, no, no.
We got here early.
chuckles
How early,
two this afternoon?
Like 8:30. She got
out of rehearsal early.
Ah. Hey, Darla, this
is my good friend Ernie.
Hi. Hey.
Mm-hmm.
laughs
l'm starved.
Can we getanything to eat?
Oh, well, as to
our conversation,
but theirstomachs
before that.
What?
Nothing, tiger.
No, no, no, what?
No, l gotta go
to the ladies room.
l really gotta go
Gotta go. You wanna come?
l'll come.
Oh, let's go.
See ya.
All right, have fun.
l can't wait to
showher Ernie Junior.
She's hot.
She is.
What's that look?
Nothing.
What?
That guy Ernie's
pretty strange.
He keeps staring at me
with this stupid
smile on his face.
Get the fuck
out ofhere.
That's right.
You gotta be kidding.
Nope.
Jesus Christ.
How'd you do that?
Don't ask.
That's every
guy's fantasy,
to bang two chicks
at the same time,
and with a celebrity,
no less!
You lucky bastard.
No, Ern, skill. Skill.
Dude, you gotta
make me a videotape.
Get ot ofhere.
And Jenniferdoesn't
mind thatyou're
giving it to some other
chick at the same time.
No, 'cause she's
having a good time, too .
Wow .
l don't know
what to say.
Well, there's a first.
Fucker.
Motherfucker.
So, howyou doin'?
How's the prostitute
parade going?
lt's actually
all right.
What, two forone sale?
l met a nice normal
girl, actually.
Really? Where?
At that Jewish
singles thing.
Great. what happened?
Well, they made everybody go up
and give, like, a speech about
themselves, you know?
So it's my turn
to go up there.
l get up in front
of the whole crowd.
l look over
the fucking crowd,
and l say...
Yeah, uh, hi, everybody.
My name's Ernest weinberg,
and l got one question.
Where the fuck
are the hot chicks at?
This place sucks!
l paid 99 bucks to meet
a bunch of old people
and their parents?
Holy shit.
l've seen younger
faces on cash.
Oh, and guys, do yo
want a piece of advice?
You want to get laid?
Lose the fucking
obnoxious beards.
This sucks.
l don't understand
something, then.
So where'd you
meet the girl?
On the way out.
She's the coat check girl.
Sorry!
Hey.
You're pretty.
There's only
one problem.
She's gota job.
No. worse.
She's gota penis?
She's Catholic.
Yeah?
Yeah, l'm Jewish.
Yeah?
Yeah, so, l can't
get serios
with a Catholic girl,
it goes against
every part of
my religion.
What, and banging
prostitutes doesn't?
l can't bring
a Catholic girl home.
My mom will kill me.
Oh, my God, there yo go
with your motheragain.
What, does she
own yourpenis?
Yes.
Dude, being
a Jew ora Catholic,
it's like being
a Yankee ora Metfan.
The only difference
is where a Yankee fan
could recognize
a good player
like Carlos Delgado
playing forthe Mets,
the Jews can't
appreciate a good player
like Jesus playing
forthe Catholics.
Uh-huh.
l mean, they must be jealous.
l mean, he's yong,
virile, swimmer's body,
can walk on water.
And you know what
really pisses them off?
lt's that he was
once on theirteam.
That's kind oflike
when the Red Sox
got rid of Babe Ruth.
Are yo done?
Dude, do you really believe
Moses parted the Red Sea?
Yes.
lt was lowtide.
You're going to hell.
No, l'm going overthere.
Motherfucker!
moaning
Jennifer, where
are yo going?
Jen! wait up!
Where are you going?
What's the matter?
Oh, here we go again.
Here we go again?
Nowwhat is it?
This is bullshit.
You were all over her.
You don't care
anything aboutme.
Oh, come on , Jen.
Notagain with this.
You knowwhatl think, Thomas?
Being loved just by me
isn't giood enough foryou.
Jen, of course it is.
Come on , willyou
stop it with this?
Look, sweetums,
l love you more
than love itself.
This Darla chick
is nothing mroe to me
than a sperm receptacle.
Sperm receptacle?
You're an asshole.
Just kidding.
Figure of speech.
Poetic license.
Jen, come on.
Listen, Jen,
you wanted this, too.
As soon as l started
enjoying myself,
you gotta fuck it up.
Oh, here we go
Everything has
to be about you.
Oh, whatare
you talking abot?
You knowwhat, Jen?
You're freaking nuts.
Totally nuts.
And nowyo 're gonna leave.
Howtypical.
Just great. Just great.
l hope one day
you get whatyou want.
Come on , Jennifer!
Give me a break!
l love you?
l don't know , man.
l'm miserable.
l'm freaking out.
l mean, it's been a week.
l can't eat,
l can't think.
l can't even jerk off.
Well, don 't you
see herin the show ?
Nah. Edgar's back
from the cruise.
Unfortunately, his
boat didn't sink.
Well, why don't
you stop by, say hi,
work it out.
Of corse, man.
She's wrong.
l mean, she'd
agreed to doing this.
Fuck.
You know, Thomas,
you realize yo
ask a lot of her.
l mean, this threesome stuff
is pretty tricky stuff.
Especially with
someone you love.
Thomas, you do know
that she did love you.
l mean, she does love you,
and maybe she just
needs to be assured
that you still
feel the same way about her.
Maybe it's time
that you reach out to her.
l mean, do you
still love her?
l love her
more than anything.
And can you dealwith
just making love to her?
Thomas, don't let her go
Find her.
Sex, it's temporary.
But love, real love,
it's pretty hard to find.
Hey, Thomas.
You gota callback, too?
Congratulations.
Yeah, same with you.
Great, man.
Hey, dude, meet
my new girlfriend.
Maria.
Hi.
Hi, nice to meetyou.
Nice to meet you.
Hey, Thomas,
you're next.
Great. wish me luck.
Dude, dude, dude, dude.
Break a leg
in there, man.
What do you think?
Huh.
She's a tomato, huh?
Yeah, she's great.
What happened
to hereyes?
Umbrella accident.
Howyo doin', man?
You hearfrom Jennifer?
Nah, she's
staying with Tracy.
Hey, what happened
to your mom and her
anti-Catholic position ?
Fuck her.
Hey, Tommy,
this is Johnny.
l need you to do
this clown thing
forme one more time.
One last time.
lt's in Long lsland.
l'll even let yo
bothermy father's car.
ljust gotta
work this thing ot
with my girl.
sighs
Great. Thanks for
the job, Johnny.
l'm a freaking
clown again.
Who says clown ain't happy?
So freaking happy.
That and 9 bucks
will get me a
coffee at Starbucks.
Thomas, what,
are yo fucking nuts?
Why you whining?
Who the hell
are yo ?
l'm yourbetterhalf.
Think of all the gashish
you can get now.
Thomas, go back to her.
She loves you.
You love her.
Forget her.
You fucked heralready.
Move on.
Thomas, think clearly.
Followyourheart.
Go back to her.
Don't listen to this faggot .
He woldn't know
a good piece of ass
if it sat on his face.
His idea of a good time
is playing on
that fucking
annoying harp all day.
And by the way,
he's a horrible
fucking harp player.
God had to buy earplugs.
farts
Ooh , that smarts.
Thomas,
think ofJennifer,
think of you.
Shut up, yo faggot .
Listen, Thomas,
if he had any pull,
he'd be riding shotgun.
Thomas, think abot it.
This one decision
will be with yo
forthe rest
of yourlife.
Wait. what am l thinking?
l miss Jennifer.
Jesus, l love her.
Who the heck needs
this threesome crap?
You fucking cocksucker,
bone-smoking faggot,
homo piece of shit.
Jen?
Jennifermoaning
Oh, God.
What the fuck is this?
What the fuck's
going on here?
Tom ?
Yeah, Tom.
Don't mind me, Jen.
Go head, let Darla finish.
Shit.
Jennifer, are you kidding me?
You're fucking cheating on me?
Ugh.
Cheating on yo ?
She broke up with yo .
Aweek ago
Jen, one fucking week?
That's all it took to get
overme, one fucking week?
Look, Tommy,
l'm really sorry.
Can l talk to yo
about this later?
Can l maybe call yo ?
Can you call me?
You're sorry?
You're sorry?
Jen, how can you
do this to me?
What do you wantme to say?
l like being with Darla.
She makes me feel good.
Jen, this doesn't
botheryou in the least?
Are yo that
fucking heartless?
Heartless?
Give me a break.
Give yo a break?
Howabot all
yourfucking rules?
Don't be with
the same women twice,
don't be with
anyone we know .
Sond familiar,
doesn't it, Jen?
You're fucking breaking
the rules here, not me.
Tom , l think yo should go.
You think l should go?
Yeah, l'm pretty sure
that's what she said.
You want me to go?
Jen, can't yo see
she's playing
some sick kind of
fucking game?
l'm playing a game?
l'm playing a game?
You were the one
that wanted to share her
with any girl
that was available.
You know, ifl had her
as a girlfriend,
l would never
share herwith anyone.
Ever.
Jen, this is it?
l thought...
sighs
grunting
stuttering
Hey, Thomas.
This is my friend
Stephanie.
stuttering
Hi, Thomas.
Hey, guys.
Dad, that's him.
That's the guy.
Him?
Yeah.
You gotta be kidding me.
Well, look who it is.
What?
So where do you get off
telling my kid
that you're a warlock,
scaring him halfto death?
The kid can't sleep.
He's been sleeping
in my room every night.
Look, l'm sorry.
Butmaybe if you
teach your kid
to stop picking on kids
with speech impediments--
Hey, look, asshole,
don't tell me
howto raise my kid.
Dude, don't make me have to
kick yorass again, all right?
Ah! Damn!
God !
grunting
Where are you?
Come over here!
l'll kick yorass!
Oh, fuck.
Carry me on yourback
Foras long as you can
Try to getme home
Don't leave me alone
Butl'm alive
Bend me, lay me down
phone ringing
beep
answering machine
This is Thomas.
And Jennifer.
Leave a message
afterthe...
beep
Yo, Tommy boy, it's Ernie.
You're not gonna
believe this.
Dude, l got
the commercial!
lt's national!
Haha!
Oh, uh, l'm sorry
you didn't get it, bro
Oh, and l'm getting married.
Dude, call me.
phone ringing
beep
answering machine
This is Thomas.
And Jennifer.
Leave a message
afterthe...
beep
Hey, Thomas, it's Seamus.
Edgar has to leave for
anothercruise again and...
What? Oh, he isn't going?
Sorry, Thomas.
Turns out he isn't leaving.
Hope all is well.
clatter
banging, springs creaking
Man #1
Fondle it, fondle it.
Ken
Oh, yes! Oh!
Oh, baby!
Rear, on the rear.
sighs
Almost! There it is!
Smearit on yourface,
smearit on yorface.
knocking at door
moans, yells
continue indistinctly
knocking continues
knocking
groans
knocking
knocking
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Oh, my God, Derek.
Hi. Um...
What are you
doing here?
Thank you.
Whoa !
That was weird.
You don't understand.
What's up?
Well, l've been
trying to reach you,
but yor phone's
disconnected.
So, yorfriend Ernie,
he gave me yoraddress.
So l came by.
Oh, wh--
what's going on?
There's a commercial
that you're perfect for,
so l was in
the neighborhood
so l brought it by
foryo here.
Whoa , thanks a lot .
That's really nice ofyo .
Ah, is this it?
Mm-hmm.
Thanks a lot.
Cool.
All right.
Well, take care.
Take care, Thomas.
Hey, do you want
to geta cup of coffee
orsomething with me?
You want to get
a cup of coffee with me?
l--l haven't showered
in, like, three days.
Three weeks.
Oh, come on .
l mean, it's-- it just
isn'ta good time.
You know?
Don't make me beg.
Don't make yo beg?
No, l'm not gonna
make you beg.
All right.
keys jingling
Don't yo have
a boyfriend?
l did.
l don't anymore.
He kept trying to get me
to sleep with otherwomen.
Really?
Really?
What an asshole.
l guess the moral
of the story is,
if you love whatyou got
and you got what yo love,
don't fuck it up.
rock
horse neighs, collapses
rock
Well, she's gone
And l won't be coming home
l heard that a broken heart
ls better left alone
After1,000 miles
Maybe l'll get by
There's just
one thing to say
lt's just a matteroftime
lt's just a matteroftime
lt's just a matteroftime
Yeah
lt's just a matteroftime
lt's just a matteroftime
Yeah, yes, it is
lt's just a matteroftime
lt's just a matteroftime
Yeah, yes, it is
cries
You know, they say
with every life experience,
there's a lesson to be learned,
and, man, did l learn mine.
See, that was me,
fantasizing about
every woman l saw.
See, l was what yo
might call a horn dog,
a playboy, a gigolo.
l'm what you ladies
might call, well...
a scumbag.
See, l wasn't a bad guy,
it's just that every
girl l saw,
ljust-- ljust had to
get into bed with.
panting
Oh, yeah.
screams
Unh!
Uhh!
Excuse me.
Well, almost
every girl l saw.
Uhh!
Anyway, l always
wanted to get married,
be a dad, have kids,
but how could l do both?
l mean, how could l
keep on being with women,
and start a family?
Than l had this
brilliant idea.
bell dings
l need to find a girl
that wold be willing
to bring otherwomen
into bed with me.
Well, what
happened to Kelly?
l broke up with her.
Well, she
broke up with me.
Actually, she hitme
overthe head
with a nine iron ,
then broke up with me.
Unh!
She hit yo overthe head
with a nine iron ?
Actually, it was
a fouriron,
but who's counting?
Unh!
Why?
Because l was
cheating on her.
Oh.
See, l had this
wandering penis problem.
lt's like a vagining rod.
All right, and she was
upset with you, right, Tom?
sobbing
No, l don't think so.
Mm-hmm.
See, every time
l see a new girl,
l gotta get her--
Acceptance.
Acceptance?
You can't say no, Thomas.
You cheat because
you wantthe constant love
and approval from others
because you nevergotthose
things from yorfamily.
Yoursiblings ridiculed you,
yourdad beatyou,
humiliated yo ,
and neveraccepted you.
Well, not exactly.
Doc, how can my penis
have anything to do
with the family?
Then, when you get
these women to love you,
you wantto get rid ofthem.
Why would l do that?
You question their credibility
if they could love
a loserlike yourself.
l do?
Yeah. Yorfamily
considered you
a loser, Thomas.
And that's why you
seek the constant love
and affection from others.
To prove them wrong.
Doc, couldn't it
just be that l'm horny?
Doubtful, Thomas.
Look, yo push people
away who love you
because you feel
unworthy oflove,
happiness, self-respect.
And we're seeing
these same things happen
in yor relationships.
You try and
create obstacles
that'll keep yo from
having a happy relationship.
For instance,
rememberJasmine?
Yeah.
Well, yo dumped her.
She had hygiene problems.
Hervagina was shaved
like the Hitler mustache.
Every time l went down on her,
l thought of the Third Reich.
What abot Charlene?
She had nine fingers.
Well, Debra.
Please.
Look, at least
when l take a dump,
and there's people nearby,
l have the courtesy
to flush to
drown outthe noise.
farting
Thomas, don'tyou see,
you create these problems.
What do you mean?
Well, this one...farts,
this one has nine fingers,
and this one has
a funny-looking...
hoo -haha.
lt's not that.
ljust need to find a woman
that'll allow otherwomen
into bed with us.
That, Derek, is my idea
of the perfect woman.
Well, cold be hard
to find a woman
that accommodating.
Perhaps we should call her
the hard to find woman.
laughs
Sorry, Thomas,
it's, uh...
Time's up.
chuckling
l'm telling yo , man,
l'm gonna find her.
Good.
l mean, there's gotta
be a girl like that
out there somewhere.
Right, right.
We'll see you nextweek.
All right, man.
See ya, doc.
Right.
What do you
think of monogamy?
Well, my father used
to have a coffee table
that was made out of that.
No, no, no.
Monogamy. Not mahogany.
Oh, oh .
lt's absolutely horrible.
lt's so disgusting.
You mean you've neverbeen
in a serious relationship?
Well, yeah, of corse.
l love my boyfriend.
Wait a minute,
if you love yor boyfriend,
why don't yo like monogamy?
Look, pay me
forthe dance.
So, why are yo here?
See, l figured
if l fond a woman
who's already into
being with women,
well, then,
l'm halfway there.
Listen, asshole,
the sight of a penis
makes me gag.
What?
Yes, that's right.
Single white male...
...seeks bisexual woman...
Justthink, l could be
having sex with you
while the girl's
having sex with you, too.
laughs
You're kidding, right?
stammers
...who seeks
relationship with man...
l think we're a part
of the earth, yo know?
We're born in the earth,
and we die in the earth.
l love everybody.
No, l love everything.
They're all so
beautiful to me.
Everything excites me.
l-- Do yo
look at people?
Look at everyone.
Look at everyone.
All people excite me.
Oh!
...but allows man
to have sex with
otherwomen with woman.
Hey, do you want to see
my impression
of a monkey?
Sure.
whimpers, screeches
like chimp
Likes tennis...
l have a hard time
getting it up after
doing that crap.
Really? l dated
a guy like that once.
lt was so funny.
He was a real whacko
He used to punch
himself in the head
because he got
so mad at himself.
l've had some
wacky boyfriends.
My last boyfriend
drank all the milk
from my tits in
the middle ofthe night.
My newborn was starving
the nextmorning.
l was forgiving though.
My fathertold me
l'm a very forgiving person.
ln fact, right before
he died, he told me
dialogue speeds up
l was his favorite child,
which really
pissed my sisteroff.
She fond out
because l was telling
Well.
my motherand she was
in the otherroom.
The walls were paperthin.
Speaking ofpaper, did you
read The Post this morning?
l did. lt had
an article abot
That's funny--
a guy who made love
to his dog.
Speaking ofwhich, my dog
passed away when l was seven.
Oh, really?
l cried so hard.
l think itaffected me
later in life.
Nowl can't deal
with loss,
which is why l won't
go to Atlantic City.
See, part of me likes to gamble,
but anotherpart of me doesn't.
Which part of you
shuts the fuck up?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Woldn't it be great
if we were with another
girl right now?
Yeah, you would love it,
wouldn't yo , dirty girl?
Come on , let me in!
l was kidding!
l was just kidding!
Okay, great!
Okay, great!
Gerald is bigger.
No wonderyou need a walker.
Let me in!
Let me in!
Ernie, l think l found
my mission in life.
So what's your
big mission,
to rob a bank?
No, l think l figured ot
howto make this
relationship thing work.
Relationship thing?
Dude, howmany times
l have to tell you,
bang prostitutes.
Fora fewhundred
bucks a night,
you'll save
thousands on alimony.
Yeah, and blow it
on STD medications?
Nah. Dude, what l need to do
is find a girlfriend
that wold allow
otherwomen into bed with me.
You gota better chance
of robbing a bank.
l'm gonna get
something to eat.
Again.
Yeah, l'm fat.
Want some peanuts,
stuttermonkey?
Here ya go
My...mom says you...
guys are j-just jealos.
That jealosy line
neverworks.
l know.
Yeah, stutter-face,
we're alljealous.
We all wantto be
stuttering idiots.
Hey, kid, come here.
Who are you?
Who am l?
You gonna tell him,
Joey, orshould l?
l'm a warlock.
A male witch.
And if you ever
pick on Joey again,
next time yo 're
trying to go to sleep,
l'll be in yourroom,
watching you.
ln the corner,
in the closet,
underthe bed.
And that night,
when you finally
do getto sleep,
you'll have the worst
nightmare of yourlife.
You might
not even wake up.
Come on , we don't
believe in warlocks.
Oh, yo don't believe
in warlocks? Do you?
No.
No? Well, watch this.
You see
that guy overthere?
Unh!
coughing
choking
coughs
Now get ot ofhere
before l turn you
into a bunch of frogs.
What's up, Joey?
Hey, thanks, but now
my only friends are gone.
Friends?
Joey, those kids
ain't yorfriends, man.
Let me tell yo something.
You'll be lucky
in yorwhole life
to have three
great friends.
And that's
in yorwhole life.
l only got one.
Moms don't count, Ern.
No, l'm serious, Joey.
l mean, you need
to find kids
that share yor
interests, you know?
Kids that you have
something in common with.
That's where you'll
find a real friend.
Thanks, Dr. Fuckin' Phil.
bedsprings squeaking, moaning
Ah, come on, guys.
Jeez, l'm trying
to sleep here.
Man
Move to the right.
moaning
Even l can't
last that long!
telephone rings
Hang on,
l'll be right there.
rings
Don't hang up.
Hello?
Thomas.
Hey, Johnny, what's up?
Hey, dude, l got
some shit going on.
Yeah.
Fill in forme today.
Shit. Again?
Come on , Johnny.
lt's Saturday.
l know, l know.
Why can'tyou do it?
l gota commercial.
You gota commercial?
Yeah, national.
National?
Guinness.
Guinness?
Oh, yo lucky bastard.
So then
why are you crying?
My girljust left my, bro.
You're crying because
yourgirl left yo ?
Are yo kidding me?
No, dude.
l'd trade a chick
fora national commercial
any day of the week.
Come on , there's
a million other
chicks out there.
l don't think
l can live without her.
Oh, give me a break.
Jesus Christ, Ken!
What are you doing?
Sorry, l need movie time.
Haven't yo ever
heard ofMoviefone?
Oh, God!
Oh!
What was that?
Nothing. Ken's on
a sexual rampage again.
l should go gay.
l'd get more ass that way.
Come on , bro.
All right, l'll do it,
but yo owe me.
funny voice
Hey, kids, how ya doin'?
Come on over.
kids
Yay!
How's everybody doin'?
kids
Good!
What's the difference
between snotand spinach?
kids
What?
Kids won't eat spinach.
kids laugh
Hey, you guys
wanna see a trick?
kids
Yeah!
Well, l'm gonna
need an assistant.
Who should
l get over here?
Howabot the birthday
girl Shelby?
Shelby, l'm gonna
pick yo to volunteer.
Well, how can she
be a volunteer if
you're picking her?
Who are you, Judge Judy?
What am l supposed to do?
Why don'tyou come over
here and hold this hat?
Hey, get over here,
you varmints!
Shelby, give him
his nose back.
Get over here!
l'm gonna get ya!
Get over here!
You knowwhat,
you keep that one!
l'll take his!
Besides, his is
funnier looking.
Get over here!
Give me that nose!
kids shouting
Give me that face!
l only smoke when l drink
l only drink when l breathe
They're some great kids, man.
Thanks.
l always wanted
to be a dad some day.
burps
ls it hard?
No, man, being
a good dad's easy.
lt's being
that good husband thing
that gets a little tricky.
l know, right?
lt's hard being
faithful, isn't it?
Well--
telephone rings
Nah, you know what?
lf you're really in love,
you find the right girl,
then afterthat,
you don 't even pay
attention to otherwomen.
Oh, my God, you're
such a big guy.
Oh, Seamus!
Woman
Seamus, pick up the phone!
Hold on. Hello?
Yeah, Edgar.
Are yo kidding me, Edgar?
You're fucking leaving me
fora cruise ship?
Look, l knowthatyou've
done me a ton offavors--
Motherfuckerjust
put me on hold.
What an asshole.
Fuck.
Yeah, Edgar.
Look, l'm sorry,
but there's no way
l'd keep it available
foryo till yo get back.
Fine. Think Titanic. Bye.
God damn.
Fucker.
You know, my wife tells
me you're a good actor.
Hey, thanks, man.
Great with the kids.
You know, l'm a producerfor
Vito and Valerie's wedding.
Really? Get ot ofhere.
l'm a big
fan ofthat show.
A big fan.
Yeah, right. Anyway...
What would you think about,
just fora little while, now,
taking overthe part
ofDanny, the best man?
l would love to
Doesn't mean
you're not gonna pay me
forthe party, does it?
No, man, l'll still pay.
Butyou gotta know,
Vito and Valerie's
is one weird place to be.
What cold be
weirderthan this?
Vito, you can
forget about it
because l'm not
marrying you.
Butwe're already married.
Well, nowwe're
officially unmarried.
Nowwhatwe'd like you
to do is talk to
some ofthe actors
who are going to be main
characters in the show.
Jillian plays Valerie.
Paul plays Vito.
Edgar, who you are
replacing as Danny,
and his showgirl
friend Natalie,
played by Danielle. okay?
Okay. Great.
Look, it's all about reality.
Acting is about reality.
Yeah, l know, l'm an actor.
l don't know
what you heard before,
but acting is about reality.
Yeah, dude, l know,
l'm an actor.
l took acting lessons
foryears.
You gotta be real.
You have to be real,
do you understand?
The moments,
they need to be real.
You'll be great.
That's what acting is.
lt's based in...
Reality.
lt's about reality, isn't it?
Okay, Valerie is
the star ofthe show .
Danny is not the star
of the show, okay?
Danny's the best man.
Now, Valerie and Danny,
they don't get along.
Danny does bestwhen he
stays out ofValerie's way.
Okay.
Danny deals drugs,
sells stolen carstereos,
but best of all,
Danny gets to fuck around.
What do you mean?
Well, yo know, gets to
flirt with the audience,
talk about his
sexual escapades.
ln fact, Danny tells 'em
one time he banged
this blond bimbo
on the pooltable
at Mr. Angelino's club.
Wow .
Yeah, shoved a pool cue
straight up herass.
Think...pig.
The sell is good.
Danny and Natalie
have the best relationship.
The most important
thing to remember
is that we are really in love.
We believe that
we have one ofthe best
and most wonderful
relationships in the show.
l'm a little confused.
Edgartold me
that Danny
gets to fool
around all the time.
What?
Yeah, in fact, he told me
he banged a girl on the pool
table at Mr. Angelino's club.
Are yo kidding me?
No.
That...motherfucker's
cheating on me?
Look, l don 't know
what he told you,
but Danny is a faithful guy
in a happy relationship.
l won't even tell you what
he did with the pool cue.
l don't get it, Ern.
There's, like,
nobody attractive
in the whole
frickin' play.
You would think
with at least 20
some-odd cast members,
there'd be at least
one that's my type.
You mean to tell me
not one guy was yourtype?
Very funny.
What do you care, anyway?
You gota legitimate
actingjob
instead of playing a clown
forsome dopey kids.
Yeah, l know.
ljust had the feeling
l'd meet at least
one decent chick
in the whole play.
l gotta get in shape.
What do you think
l should give up first,
drinking orsmoking?
Howabot eating?
So why do you
come to the gym anyway?
Forthe chicks.
Everybody knows
the hottest chicks
hang out at the gym.
That's how they stay hot.
Hey, chicks.
See me training
forthe Olympics?
Really? So soon.
l thought the Special olympics
didn't starttill June.
Nowwe have the wedding
These two loving hearts
They love one another
l'll break--
Nope.
And nowwe have--
Damn. Ow!
God .
Hi.
Hi.
l hearyou wentto NYU.
Uh, yeah.
So did l.
Oh, yeah. Great.
Okay. well...
Nice meeting you.
Thomas
Yeah, great.
Oh, damn.
What an asshole.
Who does he think
he is, De Niro?
Everything looks fabulous.
Butwhere are the balloons?
Jimmy, where
are the balloons?
Look, Rocco, it's
a long story, okay?
Jimmy, where
are the balloons?
Look, yesterday
l went overto Rocco's,
and...l'll go
check the rectory.
You check yourrectum.
God , where are the balloons?
Don't worry about it, Rocco.
lt'll be fine.
lt's just balloons, all right?
Look at Mrs. G.
She said she lost 30 ponds
forthe wedding.
lt's like throwing a deck chair
offthe Queen Mary.
laughter
She's like Barney.
l love you,
l love food
laughter
Oh, my God.
lt is so nice
to finally meetyou.
You look just like
that, um, actress
from The Poseidon
Adventure.
Oh, my God,
what's hername?
Um, uh...
gasps
Oh, yeah.
Ernest Borgnine.
You don't say.
That's a really
beautiful hat
you're wearing.
Well, l never.
Hey, Eddie Gaga.
Howyo doin'?
When'd you get out?
How's the family?
You gotmy money?
We celebrate the wedding
OfVito and Valerie
Yi yi yi yi yi yi yah
Cmo ests?
Brooklyn in the hose! Hey!
Dear brothers and sisters,
we gatherhere today
to celebrate the love
of Vito and Valerie.
speakingforeign language
And let's make it quick
because l got a funeral at 9.
Please kiss the bride.
So, how' d you feel
about doing the show?
l was a little nervous, man.
Okay, l guess.
You had a better
first day than Edgar.
l think he pissed himself.
Paul, l gotta ask you
a question.
How come there's no
hot chicks in this show?
l mean, who cast it?
Rocco?
laughs
Aw, there's a cople.
Not Gillian.
Danielle is a whacko
What abot Jennifer?
Jennifer.
Who's Jennifer?
The girl that
plays Marilyn.
You mean the ditz?
Oh, come on .
She's notthat pretty.
l don't know , man.
Jennifer is one of
the hottest girls
in the show .
No, that's the chick
that plays Marilyn, man.
She's way too
trashy looking.
Okay, yeah.
The trashy ditz
not so pretty,
that's nice.
l'm out of here.
Yeah, all right.
Wait, it's you.
You're Marilyn?
Oh, my God,
you were great.
No, l'm Jennifer,
the girl who plays Marilyn.
Also the girl who tried
to talk to you earlier.
You kind of blew heroff.
Nowl knowwhy.
Why?
'Cause yo 're a jerk.
Take care, Paul.
Later, Jennifer.
Yeah.
Hey, wait.
sputters
That was beautiful.
sighs
Hi.
Hey, howare you?
Fine. How are you?
Good.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Stop, stop , stop, stop , stop!
Please, please.
That was you.
You know, the guitar,
the string, the eye.
And then you were
in character,
you have
a ditzy accent...
Yeah, l was acting.
And you were great.
Big fan. Big fan.
Don't kiss up.
Look, l'm sorry.
Whatever.
We are getting off
to a bad start here.
Cold we start again,
please?
Can we start again,
please?
Yeah.
Cold we start again,
please?
Looks like yo 've made
yourpoint now
Hey, l'm leaving.
Oh, no, no, no
l'm just kidding.
l promise,
no more singing.
Butwhere are yo
going tonight
My little angel?
laughs
Okay. You're a whacko
l'm an idiot ,
actually, but...
A little bit.
He's the idiot.
This guy's an asshole.
l'm a good guy.
So where are you going?
Uh, oh, God.
Afew of us from the cast
are going to try and get in
a scar party at Tattoo.
Tattoo ?
Are yo kidding me?
l knowthe boncerthere.
l can get us on the list.
No, don't try
and be nice now.
l am nice.
Just gotta
get to know me.
l grow on people.
Like a fungus.
scoffs
dance
Thanks forgetting us
in the club.
No problem.
So, am l forgiven orwhat?
Ohhh...almost.
Well, how can l complete
youract offorgiveness?
Wow , this dance is,
you know , not hurting,
but, uh,
how about a drink?
What do you want?
Whiskey, baby.
You got it.
laughs
Can l get a whiskey,
please?
Trying to get
this girl to like me.
Want a tip?
Sure.
Stop dancing.
Very funny.
Excuse me, sir.
Excuse me.
Sir?
Excuse me--
Man, get away from me.
Sir, if you don't mind,
l'd like to cut in here.
l mind.
Nowback off ofme
before l kick yourass.
Oh, l see.
Big mouth
to overcompensate
my tiny little penis.
Excuse me, asshole--
l mean, sir--
but l am with her.
And if you don't take
yourstinkin' hands off her,
l'm gonna kick yorass
all overthe dance floor.
Oh, willyou?
Yes. l think.
B-b-b-b-b-b...
So, am l forgiven?
laughs
Yes.
Thank you.
So do yo have
a boyfriend?
Oh, not really.
Not really?
We're kind of
on the outs right now.
Oh. How come?
Uh...he treats me
like a sex object,
he, yo know, neverlistens
to anything l say,
he doesn't care about
what l do or howl feel.
l don't think he's heard a word
l said in the last two years.
And you?
What?
laughs
l'm kidding.
l'm so kidding.
laughs
Ohhh.
No. ljust ended
my relationship
with my last girlfriend.
l'm sorry.
Oh, no, no, no
l cheated on her.
Man, l meetall the winners.
That's horrible.
Yeah, l know,
but she was never
rightforme anyway.
Uh-huh.
French fries
and brown gravy.
Thank you.
Thank you.
So, yo were saying?
Well...nevermind.
No, come on, say it.
ljust don't think
l could be happy
in a monogamous
relationship.
l mean, l'll never
cheat oranything.
l felt horrible
after doing that.
l'll-- l'll never
do it again.
So what are yo saying?
Are yo sure you won't
think l'm a schmuck
forsaying this?
l betl will think
you're a schmuck,
but yo should
go ahead and say it.
Well, in one second
you might be needing this.
See, in a perfect world,
l would like girlfriend to be
with otherwomen with me.
There, l said it.
l don't think
that's that weird.
You don't?
No.
Lots of girls have been
with otherwomen,
orat least, yo know,
thought about it.
That's totally something
l would do if l were
in love with a guy.
You would?
Yeah. l mean...
Wold yo let the woman
be with othermen in this?
No way!
Absolutely not!
Oh, God, first of all,
l'm way too insecure,
and the thought of touching
another man's naked, hairy ass
would make me puke.
And there's nothing
l want more
than a little muff
in the morning.
laughs
You want another
steak to go?
Uh, no,
that's okay.
So have yo everbeen
with a woman?
Oh.
Oh, Lordy!
Cold l have
the check, please?
Thank you.
That would be great.
l have neverbeen.
But...you know,
l've fantasized about it.
And when l was
in ninth grade,
l used to kiss
my best girlfriend.
l mean, we were preparing
forwhen guys would kiss us.
giggles
Oh, my God.
With tongue?
No, with elbow.
Wow .
So l take it
that might be
something you'd be
interested in?
Well...l don't know.
l mean...
l guess l think
if two people
love each other,
then they shouldn't
stop themselves
from being happy.
And, ifl knew
the guy loved me,
and l was numberone
with him...
then, yeah, l guess
l would be okay with that.
Oh, my God, you are
the perfect woman.
l know.
laughing
How's your eye?
Eye?
Uh-huh.
Oh, the eye.
Uh-huh.
l feel like a moron
with this on my face.
You look a little
like a moron.
Do you want some?
Here you go
No!
giggling
So yourparents
ever come see the show?
My dad did.
My mom...
Ugh, forget about it.
l don't even know
where she is, so ..
What is she,
a flight attendant?
No, a drug addict.
Aw,jeez, l'm sorry.
Yeah, you know.
She was never really around
when l was growing up.
My dad divorced her
when we were fiive,
raised us on his own.
But que sera sera.
Whateverwill be
will be
Okay, yo promised.
l'm sorry.
This is me.
Well, l had a great time.
Yeah, me, too.
l'm sorry about youreye.
Aw, that's all right.
Well... this is
where l decide
if l should
kiss yo ornot.
Wold yo like to kiss me?
Wold l like to
l would love to
The question is,
would you like to kiss me?
l guess you're just
going to have to find out.
Oh, God.
All right.
Mm...
You think maybe
this is where l should
ask foryor phone number?
laughs
When you think you're
all alone in the world
no audible dialogue
When you think you've
neverever been heard
Probably right,
it's probably true
'Cause nobody cares
As much as you do
When you wake me
in the middle ofthe night
l can't always reply,
but l'll try
Some dreams
are just foryou
Not even l can care
as much as you'd like me to
'Cause nobody cares
As much as you do
no audible dialogue
When l have
forgotten my name
You call it out
and there l am again
moaning
l'm ready.
All right,
hold on a second.
l'll hurry. oh!
No, no!
No, notforthat.
Oh, God.
moaning
l meant...to be
with otherwomen.
What? Really?
Yeah. Well, l mean,
l knowit's going to
make you happy and...
l think we should
talk about it.
l don't wantto do
anything that you'd
be uncomfortable doing.
No, it's not that.
l'm good with doing it.
And you don't mind me
participating in it?
No, notatall.
giggles
All right, great.
Well, l have
a plan of attack--
Okay, but...
there are going
to be some rules.
Rules?
Rule number one:
we can't be with somebody
that we already know.
No problem.
Rule numbertwo:
we can't be with
anybody at our place,
because l don'twant
these women to know
where we live.
Okay.
Rule numberthree:
l understand yo 're going
to want to tell yourfriends,
but only one friend
and that's it.
Why?
Because l don't want,
like, my personal life
hitting the gossip pages
on the show.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
l might have to draw
the line there.
What good is this shit
if l can't brag about it?
Okay, then.
Forget about it.
No, no, all right.
Just kidding,just kidding.
But psychologists aren't
considered friends, right?
What? No.
Yeah, fine, fine.
Great. Easy enogh.
And lastly,
rule numberfor:
whoeverwe have sex with
we can never
be with them again.
You can never,
and l mean ever,
see thatwoman again,
be it socially,
business, whatever.
Why?
Because l don't want
to have a relationship
with these people.
That would be weird.
ditzy accent
lt wold ruin
the whole thing.
Okay, l guess
l could do that.
l betyou can.
laughs
All right,
where do we find her?
Oh, l got a plan.
l have a friend
at Make a wish.
laughing
Oh, God.
no audible dialogue
Jen, come on!
Jen, come on!
Jen! Come on!
Jen, l love you.
Come on , that girl
was ugly nextto you.
You're so much
hotterthan her.
Please. God , l don 't think
this is going to work.
Can't we just
do each other?
Jen, l was just going to do it
like l thoght yo would, too.
Come on , Jen, yo 're
the only one for me.
l love you.
Come on , this is just
about sex, right?
Ugh. All right, yes.
l'm sorry.
lt's just
the first time, okay?
lt's going to take
a little getting used to.
Allthe guys in there,
staring?
Can't we just use
a prostitute?
That way, it wold just be
the three of us at least.
You got it.
Thomas
l think l'm in love.
lt was wonderful!
l'm in love!
l can't believe it!
Well, Thomas, that's great.
She's having a hard time
getting into being with
the otherwomen thing.
l mean,
she wants to and all.
We just gotta fiind
the right situation.
Well, yo do realize
that you're asking a lot.
Well, yeah.
And you knowshe loves yo .
Yeah.
See, Thomas,
that's where l think
we're having
ourlittle problem.
What?
Thomas, you don 't really
think she loves you.
Derek, l know
she loves me.
Thomas, you never
felt loved by yourfamily,
so how can yo expect
to feel loved now?
ln fact, you are so scared
of not being loved,
you push people away
before they have
a chance to hurt you.
l mean, Kelly loved you,
but yo didn't think so.
And now Jennifer loves you.
ln fact, she's willing to have
sex with otherwomen foryou.
Thomas, you have got
to realize that yourfamily
through the eyes of you
as a kid is no more.
Yeah.
Stop hearing allthose
negative things
yourfamily said to you
and realize that
when you were a kid
you digested the horrible,
negative thoghts,
and a part of you
has made them
yourown thoghts.
Basically, Thomas,
just realize that Jennifer
is not yorsiblings
oryorfather.
Thomas.
Thomas!
Oh!
clock ticking
Time's up.
ding
Wonder Burger!
different inflections
Wonder Burger. wonderBurger.
Wonder Burger.
Hey, Ern, you get
these prostitutes.
Where do you getthem from ?
All right!
l see Project Three-way
is back up and running.
Dude, what caliber
of slut do you want?
l don't know , someone hot.
Notany sleazy coke whore
oranything.
l knowwhatyou want, man.
You want the Park Avenue
variety, right?
Dude.
Whoa . Howmuch?
whispering
$700 a night?
Are yo kidding?
changing inflections
l love you, too, honey!
l love you, too, honey!
What, you want
the best, don't you?
You don't wantto wind up
with the sluts thatl bang
when l'm out of cash, do yo ?
No. No, that's all right.
The last one had
more chest hairthan me.
Think her name was Loie.
Thomas Burns, yo 're next.
Oh.
All right,
see you later, Ern.
l was here first.
Hi.
Hi.
door closes
Hi, guys.
Thomas, this is Miranda
and this is Benjamin.
Benjamin.
Sorry.
Hey, Benjamin.
Benjamin.
Oh, sorry.
Howare you?
l want you to just...
slate yourname
forthe camera, okay?
And just begin.
All right.
Hey, look, there are two ways
l could go with this, you know ?
ls it okay ifl try them both?
l'm sure that
both ofyorchoices
are going to be
just so great,
but really, we have
a lot of people to run,
so just do yourfavorite.
Thomas,just go
with yourgut.
l loved your
cell phone commercial.
Yeah, upstaged by a monkey?
Okay, can we
get started, please?
Thank you.
clears throat
Okay.
expels breath
Hi, my name is Thomas Burns.
My agent is Joseph Weiner.
Honey, where were you?
You know,
l was driving home
and l was thinking
ofhow much l loved you,
so l decided
to bring yo home
a little surprise.
Flowers?
Betterthan that.
Diamonds?
Betterthan that.
A new car?
Even betterthan that!
Honey, what could it be?
Wonder Burgers!
Oh, my God,
Wonder Burgers.
l love you.
l love you, too.
Nowlet's eat!
And, cut.
Thank you.
Howwas l?
You were great.
Thanks, Ben-hey-mean.
Ben-ha-mean.
Sorry. Take care.
How'd it go?
Okay, l guess.
Well, yo neverknow.
See ya.
Oh, Ern, Ern,
got a tip foryou.
The guy in there,
he loves to be called
by his fiirst name.
Which--which is?
Benjamin.
Thanks, man.
All right, take care.
Good luck!
Benjamin.
Wonder Burger.
changes inflection
Wonder Burger.
So where'd you get
this hooker's number, huh?
Eh, it's the place
Ernie always uses.
Ernie?
l don't wantto have sex
with someone Ernie's been with.
Why? He's a normal,
upstanding citizen
kind of guy.
Oh, yeah, right.
He's with prostitutes.
Look. Here, l got these numbers
out of the YellowPages.
Pick one.
Oh, thank yo ,
darling.
All right, fine.
dialing phone
Yeah, hi.
Can l get one ofyor
best body prostitutes?
laughs
Escorts. Sorry.
Yeah. Hold on .
Do you want blond,
brunette,
black, white,
Asian, Latina?
l don't care.
Well--Well,
l've never had Asian,
but Latina
sounds scrumptios.
God , it's like you're
ordering take-out.
All right,
you knowwhat?
Whoeveryou can
get here the quickest.
All right.
You have a part-time
aerobics instructor.
Perfect!
Make sure they bring
a dental damn.
H-- Hold on .
Awhat?
A dental damn.
l don't want
to get diseases.
Cold yo bring
a dental damn?
You don't have
dental damns.
What would that be for?
Okay, l get it, l get it.
No--
Wait. Could you
hold on a second?
What?
Ask herto bring
Saran wrap.
Saran wrap?
Yes.
Are yo kidding?
No, do it.
clears throat
All right, cold yo
pick up Saran wrap?
Look, l knowyou're
not a grocery store.
l'll throwin an extra 50 bucks
if you bring Saran wrap.
Great! okay,
my credit card number is--
yelps
Oh, my God, hold--
l'm so sorry.
Just hold on a second.
What?
Then they're going
to knowwho we are.
Yeah?
So l don'twant
fuck me flyers
coming to my house
forthe rest
of my natural life.
Fuck me flyer?
All right, l'm just
going to pay cash.
Yes, the Edwards Hotel,
room 1904.
Thank you.
Bye.
l can't believe
l have a hooker
picking us up
Saran wrap from a deli.
giggling
Honey, that weed
has made me hungry.
Shold l call back
and have her get
some chicken cutlets
while she's there?
You're wasted.
cackling
All right.
shivering
Okay.
punching buttons
l need $100 fora tip.
punching buttons
machine whirring
Keep the change,
my friend.
l'm getting laid!
And you're only
giving me seven?
Heh, very funny.
Hi, l'm Sally.
Anyone orderSaran Wrap?
Uh, h-hi.
l'm Jennifer
and this is Thomas.
Hi, Sally.
So nice to meet yo .
Hi.
l'm sorry about the Saran wrap.
We've neverdone this before.
We're a little nervous.
That's all right.
Yourwife
is completely gorgeous!
Relax.
This shold be fun.
Wold yo like a drink?
Sure.
How's vodka
and cranberry?
Sonds great.
So do l pay you
the 500 up front
or do l pay yo later?
recordscratches
They told me 500.
Did they tellyou that?
No. 500 is forone person.
lf there's two people,
it's gonna be 800.
clicks tongue
You gotta
be kidding me.
All right, hold on .
l'll be right back.
You still want this?
All right.
All right, she said $800.
l have $600.
Which means l need $200.
Oh, and then
there's the tip.
Man, l'm so freakin' wasted.
Well, fora few more dollars
l could be, too.
machine whirring
So, are you still
seeing him?
No. Haven't heard
from him in weeks.
Do you think
it was the job?
Nah. That's howwe met.
Never bothered him before.
Uff.
Men.
Men.
Okay, let's party!
Ho ho ho!
Whoa !
Wow !
So nowwhat?
Well, nowwe get
undressed.
We get undressed!
lt's okay.
giggling
What are you
waiting for?
Come on , baby,
give me kisses.
Mm. Ah.
Oh, no tongue.
No tongue? Really?
Yeah. Safety reasons.
And going down
on my girlfriend's okay?
Well, yes, but the $800
doesn't include that.
What does it include?
Well, kissing, touching,
feeling, intercourse.
And no cunnilinguses?
Well, that would be extra.
What the fuck yo think
the Saran Wrap was for?
l don't know ,
chicken cutlets?
Thomas
Oh, man!
You knowwhat?
lt's okay.
l don't need it.
No, no, no, no, no.
Howmuch foreverything?
Athousand dollars
for everything.
Athousand dollars?
Athousand dollars?
All right, Jen,
just don 't worry abot it.
This whole experience can't
be mired with restrictions.
That would suck.
l feel like l'm having sex
with a traffiic cop .
All right,
l'll be right back.
Stay here,
get more undressed!
This chick ain'ta prostitute,
she's a freakin'thief.
What's going on?
lt's out of money?
You gotta be kidding me!
This has gotta be
some kind ofmistake.
So was youroutfit.
Oh, come on !
Come on !
All right, l gotta go
to anotherATM.
All right. Taxi!
Taxi!
Are yo kidding me?
You dick!
Taxi!
Taxi!
l hope he gets here soon.
l have a bachelor
party at 12.
Mm, l wonderwhat's
taking him so long.
harps
What the world needs
is love, lots more love.
lt's like
that Hendricks song.
The Hendricks?
Hendricks to me, Hendricks?
He said, Let love rule.
That was Lenny Kravitz.
Right. l'm just saying
there's so much hatred.
We need love instead.
Who are you, John Lennon?
Nah, l don't even
like the Stones.
He was in The Beatles.
Eh...
tires screeching
pounding
Wake up!
Bush, Bush is the one
that brought in all the hatred.
You knowwhatl'm saying?
He's-- He's the dumbest thing
l eversaw in my life.
lt's the fiirst
presidentwe have
that l think
l'm smarterthan.
l'm not saying
l'm a genius,
but l cold take this guy
in a Scrabble game, yo know?
pounding
Take him in Scrabble?
You can't take me two blocks
without falling asleep.
Bush is so money hungry
and oil thirsty,
he's the one that's causing
allthese problems.
He really is.
All right, we're here.
All right, dude,
can you wait here?
l'll be right back.
All right,
but the meter's
gonna keep running.
Yeah, not as much
as your moth.
Cabbie?
l can't. l'm waiting
forthe guy by the ATM.
Aw, come on , dude,
you have to hook me up.
Howmuch is the meter?
lt's fiive, but l can't.
l'll give yo
twice as much
if you let us in.
Come on , above the fare.
Nah, it's wrong.
l'm waiting forthe guy.
l can't.
Clark!
Come on , man, l'm never
going to get a cab
this late at night.
Do me a favor,
hearme out.
l'll give yo $20
before you start the meter.
How does that sond?
All right,
get in, get in.
Go
Hey!
What are you,
kidding me?
Clark
Oh, cabbie, wake up!
Wake up, cabbie!
Wake up!
What's the weirdestthing
that's everhappened to you?
Mm, one time a guy asked me
to shit on his head.
Yeah.
Oh...
Uh-oh.
gurgling
Jennifer
Oh, God!
How can you eat that?
That spicy food would have me
running to the bathroom.
You kidding?
l got one of those
cast-iron stomach.
Ugh, you're lucky.
No, l'm a man, baby.
My stomach
is built forwar.
laughing
Oh, yo 're going
to be sorry.
gurgling
Oh, my God.
Oh, God. oh...
Help! Help!
Stop! Help!
Help! Stop!
Let go
Help! Help!
Oh, God.
This is awful.
Let go
farting
gurgling
toilets flushing
farting
plopping
farting
plopping
farting, plopping
grunting
grunting
farting, plopping
screaming
grunting
Oh! Oh!
whispering
What?...
l wonderwhat she ate.
sotto voce
Oh, no
Holy shit.
Oh, no
farts
Hello?
Excuse me?
high voice
l'll be out in a minute.
Ugh! Sorry!
Wait a second, yo 're not
even in a wheelchair.
nervous laugh
Ate some bad stuff.
Come on , already.
farts
Aw, shit.
Get ot ofthere already.
l'll be right out.
farting
bang
Come on !
normal voice
Just give me a break!
Come on !
bang
Hello?
bang
bang
Come on , l've gotta
take a shit!
bang
Ugh.
toilet flushes
l mean, do you everthink
why the national debt
keeps getting higher?
Justthink, if the president
just taxed everybody
anotherdollar,
we'd just wipe
the whole thing ot?
Hmm.
sighs
Come on .
men laughing
ding
Hello.
Hello.
Hey, dude, let me
ask you something.
lfl say hello,
why can't yo respond
with hello?
ls that thatfuckin' hard?
ls that gonna ruin
yourwhole freakin' night?
Hello.
There.
Did that hurt
yourtonsils?
You must be having
a bad night.
Yes, l am!
You're very observant,
Sherlock, aren't you?
Who's this,
yourpartner?
You, Watson,
do you speak?
Do you? ordo you
communicate telepathically?
Because ifyou do,
could you hear
what l'm thinking now ?
ding
He says you can go
fuck yourself, too.
Nowhowthe fuck did he know
l was thinking that?
sighs
What's going on?
Honey, she's gotta leave.
l'm sorry.
You took too long.
What the fuck
is this?
You knowwhat?
lt's really okay.
l'm getting
kind oftired anyway.
What?
Just relax.
Relax?
l was just all over
Manhattan getting cash.
Look, l gotta go.
l'm sorry.
Do you have my $500?
$500,
are yo kidding?
Hey, it's not my fault
you didn't have the money.
Just pay her.
Oh, my God.
Night. Be safe.
So that's it, huh?
You knowwhat, honey?
lt's okay.
We will do this
anothertime.
Jesus Christ,
this sucks.
lt's kind of funny
if you think about it.
lt's kind of funny?
ljust wiped my ass
with a hundred bucks.
l thought itwas 500.
Goddamn ATMs
only give you 20s.
Come on , cheer up.
We'll getthis right
one ofthese days.
Now come on ,
let's get crazy.
Wait. Howmuch is this
going to cost me?
laughs
Come on .
whistles
Hmm.
l don't know , Thomas.
l've been thinking
maybe l should settle down,
start a family.
Afamily?
Jeez, Ern,
what brought this up?
yelling in foreign language
Hmm.
Huh.
Well, l don 't know.
l'm not getting any yonger.
My mom keeps
bugging me to spawn.
Ernie, do yo ever
do anything
that yourmommy
doesn't tell you to do
yelling in foreign language
Sure l do.
Like what?
l don't know .
She wanted me to be a doctor
ora lawyerand l'm not.
That's because you got
a 400 on yourSATs.
l gota big date
tonight.
Oh, yeah?
Howmuch she charge?
Actually,
it's nota real date.
lt's one ofthose
Jewish singles dating things.
What the fuck?
Whoa !
gibberish
Let's just go by the hole;
she'll neverhit it there.
Leave it to this cheap
public golf corse
to team us up
with the yin-yang twins.
Hey, Ernie, Jenniferand l
are going to go see
Darla weddings
play tonight.
You wanna come?
No, man.
l gotthis
Jewish singles thing.
Ow! oh!
Jesus Christ!
yelling in foreign language
opening soda can
yelling in foreign language
...chubby!
Hey, yell at me,
l'll fucking--
Hey, hey!
Calm down, Ernie.
Calm down.
Lunatic!
Nobody's gonna tell me
Howto make a newfriend
l'm on my own again
Thank you and have
a good night.
lsn't she great?
Eh, she was all right.
laughs
l'm just kidding.
She's great.
l need a drink.
Come on .
All right.
Hey, man,
you got a Guinness?
Uh, Guinness.
Uh, uh, l...
Tom . Tom Burns.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's me,
Dorman Howell.
Oh, Dorman Howell.
Howyo doing, man?
l'm good, man.
Howyo doing?
How's it going?
lt's going good, man.
This is my girlfriend
Jennifer.
Hey, there.
Nice to meet you.
Hey, there, yourself.
chuckles
Did you guys
enjoy the show?
Yes.
Yeah, she was great, man.
She's really good.
l dig it, l dig it.
Hey, do you guys wanna--
you guys wanna meet her?
l'm-- l'm friends with her.
Get otta here.
Yeah.
You're friends
with her?
Yeah.
You have a friend?
Shh!
l got...one.
God .
He was hated in college.
He's gonna get us backstage.
Exceptforyo .
Thanks for remembering.
laughing
You guys wanna
get backstage?
Yeah. Sure.
Yeah. Yeah.
Come on .
l'll introduce you.
Oh, my God.
All right, let's go.
You owe me forthis.
l know.
laughs
crowdwhistles, cheers
Hey.
whistles
Hey, baby.
Good to see yo .
Darla, come here
for one sec.
Darla, this is
Jenniferand Tom .
They're friends ofmine.
Hi, Darla.
Hey.
Big fan, big fan.
Thank you.
Thanks forcoming.
Oh, it's wonderful
to meet you.
Yeah, you, too.
Thanks forcoming.
Darla, Tom's an old
college buddy of mine.
You might recognize him
from the Sprint PCS
commercials.
Yeah, l'm the guy
that places a call
to a monkey.
Oh, of corse.
Yeah, like you saw it.
Not really.
l didn't think so
No, l don't
think so, either.
Drinks?
You'd ladies
like some drinks.
Oh, yes.
You calling me a lady?
l think l am.
Yeah, l'll have a beer.
Are yo buying?
Oh, yo are
such a cheapo.
Good, good, 'cause
l have no money.
Oh, God.
Wild Turkey.
Hello?
Uh, yeah,
what she's having.
Oh. well, really?
l gotta tell you,
you were really
great tonight.
giggles
Thank you.
So, howlong have you
been with Thomas?
Oh, like six months.
Wow , six months?
That's a long time.
chuckles
Good foryou.
Are yo faithful?
Well, yo know,
we have an arrangement.
Sort of.
Really?
What, so yo 're
allowed to cheat?
No, but, uh, we--
He--We...
...are with otherwomen.
At least,
we would like to be.
Well, that sounds like
a really good
arrangement for him.
l hope you getto be
with othermen, too .
Well, not exactly.
Well, it sounds like
he's gotthe betterend
of the deal, then, huh?
ln fact, l know
he's gotthe better
end ofthe deal.
You wanna hear
my impression of Yoda?
Mm-hmm.
imitating Yoda
Mmm, a Jediyou are.
chuckles
Wanna hearmy impression
of Groverfrom Sesame Street?
Uh-huh.
same voice
Mmm, a Jediyou are.
laughs
You get it?
lt's the same guy.
You get it?
Oh, l'm such an idiot.
Hey, Darla.
Hey.
Hey, when's your
album coming out.
l don't know ,
a couple months,
l guess.
Oh, so exciting.
Yeah.
Yeah, l loved that
last song yo did.
Oh, thank yo .
l think l could sing
the chorus of it.
No.
No. No.
God .
l always thoght l was
a good singer, yo know?
Come on .
You knowwhat, you guys,
let's get out of here.
You want to come back
to my place and
get some drinks?
chuckles Yeah.
Yeah, come on.
Let's go.
laughing
Hey. okay, so, there's
drinks overthere,
there's joints
on the coffee table,
and l'm gonna
go clean up,
and l'll be back.
Man, this is great.
Such a nice place.
God .
So, how cool is this?
A Darla weedings lighter.
l wonderhow much
l could getfor
this on e-bay.
Thomas Burns,
put that back.
Putthat back.
l guess we should
smoke, huh?
lf a gay guy gets
a bartellis in,
is that foreplay?
lt's good forhim.
both laughing
So, Thomas, Jennifer
tells me ofyour
little arrangement.
And it sounds
pretty interesting.
Arrangement?
Yeah, l mean,
l've been wanting to fuck
yourgirlfriend all night.
lf thatmeans
l have to fuck you, too,
well, l'll take it.
Really?
You're serios?
Uh-huh.
Do you want to
watch me kiss her?
Fuck yeah.
Oh, man.
Whoa .
Oh, my God.
Gracias, mi amigas
Gracias, mi amigas
Gracias, mi amigas
Seven times.
lt's gotta be
some kind of record.
Seven times.
Man, thatwas great.
Man, thatwas great.
God , Darla's so cute.
She's gotthat kick-ass body.
Did ljust say that out loud?
What an idiot!
Oh, TMl!
Did ljust say TMl?
Oh, how gay am l?
Pull over.
What?
What's the matter?
Jen, what's wrong?
Nothing.
What do you mean, nothing?
Something's bothering yo .
Tell me what it is.
You were
all over hertonight.
l mightas well not
have even been there.
Oh, come on , it was--
That's ridiculos.
No, nowyo 're going on
about how hot she is,
and howperfect
her body is.
Jen,just perfect forus.
l mean, you know,
forthe first time
we do this, come on.
l mean, you know,
l was just saying--
l mean, how lucky
did we get
to have the first girl
be this cute?
Do you want
to keep talking?
Really?
No, l'm just saying.
Okay, l'm sorry.
l'm really sorry.
lt's just the first time.
l got excited.
l'm an idiot .
l promise.
Please, don't
make me beg you.
l love you.
l'm an idiot .
l promise, l'm a schmuck.
How do you say
it in Jewish?
l'm a schmuck.
Please, help me out.
Shut up, already.
Shut up, already.
All right,
shut up. Shut up.
So, are you and Jennifer
gonna see Darla again?
We kind of have this rule
that we're only supposed to
be with a girl once,
but Darla was great, man.
A regularpro.
l see.
Howabot yo , Derek?
l mean, do you have a...
...girlfriend?
Well, this isn't
about me, Thomas,
but, no, l haven't
found that special...
...someone as of late.
Well, it's getting to be
about thattime, so...
Hey, um, Darla called.
She wants to
hang out tonight,
maybe get some drinks.
Yes!
What?
Nothing, l'm just having--
You know, some people
in the gym over here.
Really?
l mean, l know it's
breaking rule numberone,
but, um, l don 't mind
if you don 't.
l don't have
a problem with it,
unless, of course, you do.
No, l don't have
a problem with it.
Oh.
Butl told Ernie l'd
meet him fora few drinks.
Oh.
ls it all right ifhe
came fora little while?
Don't worry,
he can't stay long.
Fine.
Yeah, it's been
really hard to have
some serious relationships
while l'm on the road.
Oh.
Who has better
come on lines,
men orwomen?
Well, l really
wouldn't know
'cause l'm too busy
coming on to the women.
laughs
Come on ,
what about the men?
The men?
Uh-huh.
Oh, please.
The men.
God , l don 't think
they really care
about anything else
except their own penis.
Damn, that place
is way too loud.
l couldn't
even hear myself.
You know, my father
was deaf in his right ear,
which is weird,
because that's the ear
he always wanted me
to talk into.
l don't like lod music.
That's how you get tinnitus.
That's a constant
ringing in yourears
that could lead to deafness,
which wold just be awful.
So how does one
get this tinnitus?
Lod music,
ljust told you that.
Aren'tyou listening
to what l'm saying?
Don't worry,
l'm not mad.
l'm a very
forgiving person.
My father
told me l was...
Hey, what's up?
Oh.
Hey, baby.
What's going on?
Am l late?
lt's 10:00.
No, no, no.
We got here early.
chuckles
How early,
two this afternoon?
Like 8:30. She got
out of rehearsal early.
Ah. Hey, Darla, this
is my good friend Ernie.
Hi. Hey.
Mm-hmm.
laughs
l'm starved.
Can we getanything to eat?
Oh, well, as to
our conversation,
but theirstomachs
before that.
What?
Nothing, tiger.
No, no, no, what?
No, l gotta go
to the ladies room.
l really gotta go
Gotta go. You wanna come?
l'll come.
Oh, let's go.
See ya.
All right, have fun.
l can't wait to
showher Ernie Junior.
She's hot.
She is.
What's that look?
Nothing.
What?
That guy Ernie's
pretty strange.
He keeps staring at me
with this stupid
smile on his face.
Get the fuck
out ofhere.
That's right.
You gotta be kidding.
Nope.
Jesus Christ.
How'd you do that?
Don't ask.
That's every
guy's fantasy,
to bang two chicks
at the same time,
and with a celebrity,
no less!
You lucky bastard.
No, Ern, skill. Skill.
Dude, you gotta
make me a videotape.
Get ot ofhere.
And Jenniferdoesn't
mind thatyou're
giving it to some other
chick at the same time.
No, 'cause she's
having a good time, too .
Wow .
l don't know
what to say.
Well, there's a first.
Fucker.
Motherfucker.
So, howyou doin'?
How's the prostitute
parade going?
lt's actually
all right.
What, two forone sale?
l met a nice normal
girl, actually.
Really? Where?
At that Jewish
singles thing.
Great. what happened?
Well, they made everybody go up
and give, like, a speech about
themselves, you know?
So it's my turn
to go up there.
l get up in front
of the whole crowd.
l look over
the fucking crowd,
and l say...
Yeah, uh, hi, everybody.
My name's Ernest weinberg,
and l got one question.
Where the fuck
are the hot chicks at?
This place sucks!
l paid 99 bucks to meet
a bunch of old people
and their parents?
Holy shit.
l've seen younger
faces on cash.
Oh, and guys, do yo
want a piece of advice?
You want to get laid?
Lose the fucking
obnoxious beards.
This sucks.
l don't understand
something, then.
So where'd you
meet the girl?
On the way out.
She's the coat check girl.
Sorry!
Hey.
You're pretty.
There's only
one problem.
She's gota job.
No. worse.
She's gota penis?
She's Catholic.
Yeah?
Yeah, l'm Jewish.
Yeah?
Yeah, so, l can't
get serios
with a Catholic girl,
it goes against
every part of
my religion.
What, and banging
prostitutes doesn't?
l can't bring
a Catholic girl home.
My mom will kill me.
Oh, my God, there yo go
with your motheragain.
What, does she
own yourpenis?
Yes.
Dude, being
a Jew ora Catholic,
it's like being
a Yankee ora Metfan.
The only difference
is where a Yankee fan
could recognize
a good player
like Carlos Delgado
playing forthe Mets,
the Jews can't
appreciate a good player
like Jesus playing
forthe Catholics.
Uh-huh.
l mean, they must be jealous.
l mean, he's yong,
virile, swimmer's body,
can walk on water.
And you know what
really pisses them off?
lt's that he was
once on theirteam.
That's kind oflike
when the Red Sox
got rid of Babe Ruth.
Are yo done?
Dude, do you really believe
Moses parted the Red Sea?
Yes.
lt was lowtide.
You're going to hell.
No, l'm going overthere.
Motherfucker!
moaning
Jennifer, where
are yo going?
Jen! wait up!
Where are you going?
What's the matter?
Oh, here we go again.
Here we go again?
Nowwhat is it?
This is bullshit.
You were all over her.
You don't care
anything aboutme.
Oh, come on , Jen.
Notagain with this.
You knowwhatl think, Thomas?
Being loved just by me
isn't giood enough foryou.
Jen, of course it is.
Come on , willyou
stop it with this?
Look, sweetums,
l love you more
than love itself.
This Darla chick
is nothing mroe to me
than a sperm receptacle.
Sperm receptacle?
You're an asshole.
Just kidding.
Figure of speech.
Poetic license.
Jen, come on.
Listen, Jen,
you wanted this, too.
As soon as l started
enjoying myself,
you gotta fuck it up.
Oh, here we go
Everything has
to be about you.
Oh, whatare
you talking abot?
You knowwhat, Jen?
You're freaking nuts.
Totally nuts.
And nowyo 're gonna leave.
Howtypical.
Just great. Just great.
l hope one day
you get whatyou want.
Come on , Jennifer!
Give me a break!
l love you?
l don't know , man.
l'm miserable.
l'm freaking out.
l mean, it's been a week.
l can't eat,
l can't think.
l can't even jerk off.
Well, don 't you
see herin the show ?
Nah. Edgar's back
from the cruise.
Unfortunately, his
boat didn't sink.
Well, why don't
you stop by, say hi,
work it out.
Of corse, man.
She's wrong.
l mean, she'd
agreed to doing this.
Fuck.
You know, Thomas,
you realize yo
ask a lot of her.
l mean, this threesome stuff
is pretty tricky stuff.
Especially with
someone you love.
Thomas, you do know
that she did love you.
l mean, she does love you,
and maybe she just
needs to be assured
that you still
feel the same way about her.
Maybe it's time
that you reach out to her.
l mean, do you
still love her?
l love her
more than anything.
And can you dealwith
just making love to her?
Thomas, don't let her go
Find her.
Sex, it's temporary.
But love, real love,
it's pretty hard to find.
Hey, Thomas.
You gota callback, too?
Congratulations.
Yeah, same with you.
Great, man.
Hey, dude, meet
my new girlfriend.
Maria.
Hi.
Hi, nice to meetyou.
Nice to meet you.
Hey, Thomas,
you're next.
Great. wish me luck.
Dude, dude, dude, dude.
Break a leg
in there, man.
What do you think?
Huh.
She's a tomato, huh?
Yeah, she's great.
What happened
to hereyes?
Umbrella accident.
Howyo doin', man?
You hearfrom Jennifer?
Nah, she's
staying with Tracy.
Hey, what happened
to your mom and her
anti-Catholic position ?
Fuck her.
Hey, Tommy,
this is Johnny.
l need you to do
this clown thing
forme one more time.
One last time.
lt's in Long lsland.
l'll even let yo
bothermy father's car.
ljust gotta
work this thing ot
with my girl.
sighs
Great. Thanks for
the job, Johnny.
l'm a freaking
clown again.
Who says clown ain't happy?
So freaking happy.
That and 9 bucks
will get me a
coffee at Starbucks.
Thomas, what,
are yo fucking nuts?
Why you whining?
Who the hell
are yo ?
l'm yourbetterhalf.
Think of all the gashish
you can get now.
Thomas, go back to her.
She loves you.
You love her.
Forget her.
You fucked heralready.
Move on.
Thomas, think clearly.
Followyourheart.
Go back to her.
Don't listen to this faggot .
He woldn't know
a good piece of ass
if it sat on his face.
His idea of a good time
is playing on
that fucking
annoying harp all day.
And by the way,
he's a horrible
fucking harp player.
God had to buy earplugs.
farts
Ooh , that smarts.
Thomas,
think ofJennifer,
think of you.
Shut up, yo faggot .
Listen, Thomas,
if he had any pull,
he'd be riding shotgun.
Thomas, think abot it.
This one decision
will be with yo
forthe rest
of yourlife.
Wait. what am l thinking?
l miss Jennifer.
Jesus, l love her.
Who the heck needs
this threesome crap?
You fucking cocksucker,
bone-smoking faggot,
homo piece of shit.
Jen?
Jennifermoaning
Oh, God.
What the fuck is this?
What the fuck's
going on here?
Tom ?
Yeah, Tom.
Don't mind me, Jen.
Go head, let Darla finish.
Shit.
Jennifer, are you kidding me?
You're fucking cheating on me?
Ugh.
Cheating on yo ?
She broke up with yo .
Aweek ago
Jen, one fucking week?
That's all it took to get
overme, one fucking week?
Look, Tommy,
l'm really sorry.
Can l talk to yo
about this later?
Can l maybe call yo ?
Can you call me?
You're sorry?
You're sorry?
Jen, how can you
do this to me?
What do you wantme to say?
l like being with Darla.
She makes me feel good.
Jen, this doesn't
botheryou in the least?
Are yo that
fucking heartless?
Heartless?
Give me a break.
Give yo a break?
Howabot all
yourfucking rules?
Don't be with
the same women twice,
don't be with
anyone we know .
Sond familiar,
doesn't it, Jen?
You're fucking breaking
the rules here, not me.
Tom , l think yo should go.
You think l should go?
Yeah, l'm pretty sure
that's what she said.
You want me to go?
Jen, can't yo see
she's playing
some sick kind of
fucking game?
l'm playing a game?
l'm playing a game?
You were the one
that wanted to share her
with any girl
that was available.
You know, ifl had her
as a girlfriend,
l would never
share herwith anyone.
Ever.
Jen, this is it?
l thought...
sighs
grunting
stuttering
Hey, Thomas.
This is my friend
Stephanie.
stuttering
Hi, Thomas.
Hey, guys.
Dad, that's him.
That's the guy.
Him?
Yeah.
You gotta be kidding me.
Well, look who it is.
What?
So where do you get off
telling my kid
that you're a warlock,
scaring him halfto death?
The kid can't sleep.
He's been sleeping
in my room every night.
Look, l'm sorry.
Butmaybe if you
teach your kid
to stop picking on kids
with speech impediments--
Hey, look, asshole,
don't tell me
howto raise my kid.
Dude, don't make me have to
kick yorass again, all right?
Ah! Damn!
God !
grunting
Where are you?
Come over here!
l'll kick yorass!
Oh, fuck.
Carry me on yourback
Foras long as you can
Try to getme home
Don't leave me alone
Butl'm alive
Bend me, lay me down
phone ringing
beep
answering machine
This is Thomas.
And Jennifer.
Leave a message
afterthe...
beep
Yo, Tommy boy, it's Ernie.
You're not gonna
believe this.
Dude, l got
the commercial!
lt's national!
Haha!
Oh, uh, l'm sorry
you didn't get it, bro
Oh, and l'm getting married.
Dude, call me.
phone ringing
beep
answering machine
This is Thomas.
And Jennifer.
Leave a message
afterthe...
beep
Hey, Thomas, it's Seamus.
Edgar has to leave for
anothercruise again and...
What? Oh, he isn't going?
Sorry, Thomas.
Turns out he isn't leaving.
Hope all is well.
clatter
banging, springs creaking
Man #1
Fondle it, fondle it.
Ken
Oh, yes! Oh!
Oh, baby!
Rear, on the rear.
sighs
Almost! There it is!
Smearit on yourface,
smearit on yorface.
knocking at door
moans, yells
continue indistinctly
knocking continues
knocking
groans
knocking
knocking
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Oh, my God, Derek.
Hi. Um...
What are you
doing here?
Thank you.
Whoa !
That was weird.
You don't understand.
What's up?
Well, l've been
trying to reach you,
but yor phone's
disconnected.
So, yorfriend Ernie,
he gave me yoraddress.
So l came by.
Oh, wh--
what's going on?
There's a commercial
that you're perfect for,
so l was in
the neighborhood
so l brought it by
foryo here.
Whoa , thanks a lot .
That's really nice ofyo .
Ah, is this it?
Mm-hmm.
Thanks a lot.
Cool.
All right.
Well, take care.
Take care, Thomas.
Hey, do you want
to geta cup of coffee
orsomething with me?
You want to get
a cup of coffee with me?
l--l haven't showered
in, like, three days.
Three weeks.
Oh, come on .
l mean, it's-- it just
isn'ta good time.
You know?
Don't make me beg.
Don't make yo beg?
No, l'm not gonna
make you beg.
All right.
keys jingling
Don't yo have
a boyfriend?
l did.
l don't anymore.
He kept trying to get me
to sleep with otherwomen.
Really?
Really?
What an asshole.
l guess the moral
of the story is,
if you love whatyou got
and you got what yo love,
don't fuck it up.
rock