One, Two, Three (1961) Movie Script

On Sunday, August 13, 1961...
the eyes of America
were on the nation's capital...
where Roger Maris was hitting
home runs number 44 and 45...
against the Senators.
On that same day,
without any warning...
the East German Communists
sealed off the border...
between East and West Berlin.
I only mention this...
to show the kind of people
we're dealing with...
Real shifty.
Having been stationed in Berlin
and having dealt with them...
I know what I'm talking about.
Let's go back to last June.
Considering the abnormal
situation of a divided city...
life in Berlin
was more or less normal.
Traffic flowed freely
through the Brandenburg Gate...
and it wasn't really
too much trouble...
to pass from one side
of the Iron Curtain...
to the other.
Some of the East German police
were rude and suspicious.
Others were suspicious and rude.
The eastern sector,
under Communist domination...
was still in rubble...
but the people went about
their daily business...
These constant provocations...
failed to provoke
the West Berliners.
They were too busy rebuilding.
The western sector,
under Allied protection...
was peaceful, prosperous...
and enjoyed all the blessings
of democracy.
Just by coincidence...
this happens to be
the company I work for.
Danke schn.
Danke schn, Fritz.
Danke schn.
Danke schn already.
Sitzen machen.
Good morning, Mr. MacNamara.
Schlemmer, how many times
have I told you...
I don't want those people
standing at attention...
every time
I come into the office.
I know.
I've given strict orders.
Can't they get it through
their Prussian heads?
They're living
in a democracy now.
That is the trouble.
In the old days,
if I ordered them to sit...
they would sit.
Now with a democracy,
they do what they want.
What they want is to stand.
Next, any word yet
from the mayor's office?
Yes, sir. Negative.
They absolutely
will not permit us...
to install a Coke machine
in the Reichstag.
Sometimes I wonder
who won the war.
Next, did you pick up
those airline tickets...
for my wife and children?
Yes, sir. Positive.
Three seats on a 6:00 plane
to Venice.
They change in Frankfurt.
That reminds me.
Call the Frankfurt plant
and have them ship us...
another 100,000 bottles.
People keep smuggling Cokes
into the eastern sector...
and not returning the empties.
Yes, sir.
Next, I'm expecting the Russian
Trade Commission at 10:30.
When they get here,
show them right in.
Yes, sir.
Next. Schlemmer, you're fired.
Unless you stop clicking
your heels around here!
Yes, sir. Oh, I'm sorry.
I keep forgetting myself.
That old Gestapo training, huh?
Please, Mr. MacNamara.
You mustn't say that.
It is not true.
Just between us, Schlemmer,
what did you do during the war?
I was in der untergrund...
The underground.
Resistance fighter?
No. Motorman.
In the underground.
You know, the subway.
Of course, you were anti-Nazi,
and you never liked Adolf.
Adolf who?
You see, down where I was...
I didn't know what
was going on out there...
and nobody ever told me
That'll be all, Schlemmer.
Guten Morgen, MacNamara.
And a guten Morgen to you,
Frulein Ingeborg.
It is not "frow-line."
It is "froy-line"
with an umlaut.
I'll say. Monthly report.
To Wendell P. Hazeltine,
home office, Atlanta, Georgia.
From C.R. MacNamara,
Berlin branch.
Production figures were made.
270,000 cases.
Consumption per capita
now 5.2% above last year.
Outselling Rhine wine
eight to one.
Rapidly creeping up
on draft beer.
Next, publicity campaign...
to reorient German
businessmen's lunch succeeding.
27% now having Coke
with their knackwurst.
Now, here's a real hot flash.
We may become
the first American company...
to crack the Iron Curtain.
I have started
preliminary negotiations...
with a Russian representative.
It looks most promising.
More later.
what did you do
over the weekend?
I stayed home waiting for you.
I tried to make it, believe me.
I just couldn't get away...
but there's good news tonight.
Yes? Mrs. MacNamara?
Put her on.
Yes, Phyllis.
What's the matter?
It's Tommy. We're having
a little crisis here.
Why don't you talk to him?
Tommy, your father's
on the phone.
Hello, Dad. Nothing.
It's just that Mother's
ganging up on me.
What do you mean by that?
I think your mother's
absolutely right.
It's silly to pack them.
What are you going to do
with roller skates in Venice?
All the streets are underwater.
So what? I'm taking my aqualung
and my snorkel.
Here. Your husband
wants to talk to you.
Yes, Mac?
Look, Phyllis.
Let him pack what he wants.
All right. So I'm spoiling him.
Big deal.
Don't worry.
The car will be there at 5:00.
Then you'll pick me up
at the office...
and I'll take you
to the airport.
Yes, mein Fhrer.
Bertha wants to know
what you'd like...
to have for dinner tonight.
Oh, tell her not to bother.
I've got a desk full of work.
I'll just grab
a quick bite somewhere.
So long, dear.
Like I said, good news.
Your wife. She's making a trip?
Is she ever.
Going on vacation
mit die Kinder.
Ach so.
So tonight,
we'll split a schnitzel...
and start
on the German lessons again.
We should.
You must be getting rusty.
We'll just have to work at it
twice as hard from now on.
Das ist gut?
Sehr gut.
And the first thing we're gonna
do is brush up on the umlaut.
Das ist wunderbar.
Like all the lilacs
in Lower Bavaria.
The Communist gentlemen
are here.
Send them in.
That'll be all,
Frulein Ingeborg.
Put that on the teletype
to Atlanta.
And take your gum.
Nice to see you again,
Comrade Mishkin.
Hey, Mishkin.
Ah, Mr. MacNamara...
I would like to present
Commissar Peripetchikoff...
Chairman of our
Trade Commission...
and Comrade Borodenko...
from the Soft Drinks
Sit down.
Sit down, boys.
We have no objection.
Cigarettes? Cigars?
Here. Take one of these.
Made in Havana.
We have trade agreement
with Cuba.
They send us cigars,
we send them rockets.
Good thinking.
Now, I understand
from Comrade Mishkin...
that you guys are very keen...
on getting Coca-Cola
into Russia.
He is totally wrong.
I did not say we are keen.
I said we are mildly interested.
Comrade Mishkin suggested we
start with 6 bottling plants...
Moscow, Leningrad,
Stalingrad, Kiev...
You know something?
You guys got cheated.
This is a pretty crummy cigar.
Do not worry.
We send them
pretty crummy rockets.
As I was saying, six plants...
Moscow, Leningrad, Stalingrad...
Kiev, Kharkov, and Minsk, right?
Totally wrong.
I never mentioned Minsk.
I said Pinsk.
All right.
Pinsk is in. Minsk is out.
Next, our contract will contain
the usual provisions.
We supply the syrup,
you do the bottling.
Certainly not.
We make our own syrup.
You supply the formula.
Forget it, gentlemen.
That formula
stays in our vaults.
We give it to you,
first thing we know...
the Chinese Communists
will have it.
No formula, no deal.
OK. No deal.
We do not need you.
If we want Coca-Cola,
we invent it ourselves.
Oh, yeah?
In 1956, you flew
a bottle of Coke...
to a secret
laboratory in Sverdlovsk.
A dozen of your top chemists...
went nuts trying to analyze
the ingredients, right?
No comment.
And in 1958, you planted
two undercover agents...
in our home office in Atlanta
to steal the formula...
and what happened?
They both defected...
and now they're successful
businessmen in Florida...
instant borscht, right?
No comment.
Last year, you put out
a cockamamie imitation...
Kremlin Cola.
You tried it out in
the satellite countries...
but even the Albanians
wouldn't drink it.
They used it
for sheep-dip, right?
No comment.
So either get down to business
or get off the pot.
My dear American friend...
if we are to live together
in peaceful coexistence...
there must be a certain amount
of give-and-take.
Oh, sure.
We give, and you take.
What is the matter?
You do not trust us?
No comment.
If you do not mind,
we'll have a little conference.
Help yourself.
What is this?
My employees gave it to me...
on the tenth anniversary
of the Berlin Airlift.
are we going to stand here...
and listen to this
cheap propaganda?
Relax, Boris.
While they're putting
Uncle Sam in cuckoo clocks...
we will put
Soviet cosmonaut on moon.
OK. So you guys may be the first
to shoot a man to the moon...
but if he wants
a Coke on the way...
you'll have to come to us.
All right.
We agree in principle.
You supply the syrup.
Next, the deal will be set up
on a royalty basis.
In Russia,
we do not have royalty...
not since we liquidate the Czar.
Nevertheless, you'll pay us
a percentage of the gross.
- Money?
- Dollars.
Instead of dollars, you would
accept three-week tour...
of Bolshoi Ballet.
Please. No culture, just cash.
The ugly American.
Next, once the plants are up...
we reserve the right
of inspection.
Of course, and we reserve
the right to veto.
Our inspections will be
entitled to...
- We veto it.
- I thought so.
Forget details.
You will draw up
temporary agreement...
we will submit to Moscow.
And I'll have to consult
with Atlanta, Georgia.
When will papers be ready?
I'll put my secretary
right to work on it.
Your secretary?
She's that blond lady?
That's the one.
You will send papers
to East Berlin...
with blond lady in triplicate.
You want the papers
in triplicate...
or the blond in triplicate?
See what you can do.
We are staying
at the Grand Hotel Potemkin.
OK. Now, how about
a little vodka and Coke?
No, thank you.
We have emergency meeting
with Swiss trade delegation.
They sent us
twenty carloads of cheese.
Totally unacceptable.
Full of holes.
See you around the campus.
Ring a ding ding.
What is it, Schlemmer?
It is the overseas operator.
You are to stand by for a call
from Atlanta, Georgia.
Atlanta? They must
have gotten my teletype.
I bet they're all worked up
about the Russian deal.
- It went good?
- Good?
Look at this, Schlemmer.
All virgin territory...
300 million thirsty comrades...
Volga boatmen and Cossacks...
and Outer Mongolians...
panting for the pause
that refreshes.
Do you realize what it means
if I could put this across?
Your stock, it will go up.
I'll go up
to the number-one job...
Head of all
European operations...
headquarters in London.
May I be the first
to congratulate you?
I should have had
that job five years ago.
I was all set for it...
even bought myself
an umbrella...
but I got loused up
by Benny Goodman.
Benny Goodman?
I was in charge
of the whole Middle East...
Nine countries, fifteen bottling
plants, all facing Mecca.
Well, Goodman and his band
were coming through...
on a goodwill tour
for the State Department.
30,000 people showed up
at the concert...
but Benny didn't
because his plane was delayed...
by a sandstorm,
so the mob rioted...
and marched
on the American embassy...
so the police
turned them back...
so they burned down
the Coca-Cola plant.
You know it.
There was a big rhubarb
at the home office...
and suddenly,
I was in the doghouse...
exiled to South America...
schlepping that syrup
over the Andes...
on llamas yet...
while a bunch
of crew-cut kids...
were being promoted
over my head!
But you're in Berlin now.
This is not the doghouse.
Yeah. I used to
have nine countries.
Now I've got half a city,
and that may blow up any day...
but MacNamara rides again!
I'll be
the white-haired boy now.
I'm going all the way!
Yes? It's Atlanta.
Hello? Hello?
Mr. Hazeltine?
Yes, I can hear you.
I'm fine, Mr. Hazeltine.
How are you?
Well, if you must know,
I'm miserable.
Those damn magnolias
are in bloom again...
and so is my hay fever.
MacNamara, there's
something important...
I'd like to discuss with you.
I thought you would,
Mr. Hazeltine.
You got my teletype?
It's right here in front of me.
Those figures from May
are not bad...
not bad at all.
Thank you, sir.
And how about the Russian deal?
Napoleon blew it,
Hitler blew it...
but Coca-Cola's
gonna pull it off.
Forget it, MacNamara.
Forget it.
We are not interested
in doing business...
behind the Iron Curtain.
We're not interested
in the Russian market?
I wouldn't touch the Russians
with a ten-foot pole...
and I don't want anything to do
with the Poles, either.
But this could be the biggest
thing for the company...
since we introduced
the six-pack!
Well, if it's against
front-office policy...
You're damn right...
but that's not what
I called you about.
Look, MacNamara.
I'd like you to do me
a big personal favor.
Yes, Mr. Hazeltine?
You want me to ship
Mrs. Hazeltine...
another set of Misen china?
No! It's about our daughter
She's seventeen now,
sweet girl...
fell in love with some
damn rock'n'roll singer.
No. That was the one before.
This is some pimple-faced
basketball player.
Anyway, we sent her off
on a little trip to Europe.
Where was I?
Daughter Scarlett, pimple-faced
basketball player...
sent her to Europe...
Oh, yes!
We had her spend
a couple of weeks...
with our representative
in Rome...
and a couple of weeks
with our man in Paris...
and she's arriving
in Berlin this afternoon...
so I'd appreciate it
if you and Mrs. MacNamara...
Oh, we'd be delighted
to have her stay with us.
It's just that
my family has made some plans...
and I have a few plans
of my own.
Well, if it's any sort
of imposition, never mind.
I'm sorry I called you.
Well, actually, I wasn't
thinking of myself.
It's your daughter
I'm concerned about.
With the political situation
in Berlin the way it is...
anything can happen anytime.
That's why I want you to take
especially good care of her.
She's just a child, really...
and I don't like her
to stay in a hotel alone...
at a time like this.
She's flying Pan Am.
The plane is due
in Berlin at 4:30...
unless those damn Commies
shoot it down.
You give her the flowers.
Oh, cut it out, Phyllis!
What was I going to do?
The boss asked me to look
after his only daughter.
I can't disappoint him.
Well, what about
your only children...
and your only wife?
We were all packed
and ready to go.
Don't you think
we were disappointed?
Believe me, Phyllis,
everybody's disappointed.
We'll just have to put things
off a couple of weeks...
The roller skates
and the snorkel and the umlaut.
The what?
Right now, the important thing
is to make sure...
that the girl has a good time
so when she goes home...
all she'll talk about
is our man in Berlin.
It's such a nuisance.
Tommy will have to move
into Cindy's room.
Bertha will have to learn
how to cook sauerbraten...
southern style.
Come on, Phyllis.
Make an effort.
Yes, mein Fhrer.
Pardon me, is this the plane
from Paris?
Oui, monsieur.
Isn't there a Miss Hazeltine
among the passengers?
There was a Miss Hazeltine
among the passengers...
but we have lost her.
You lost her?
She has joined the crew.
Scarlett Hazeltine
if I ever saw one.
Miss Hazeltine, I'm MacNamara.
This is Mrs. MacNamara.
Welcome to Berlin.
Hi there!
How was your flight?
Just marvy.
The boys let me buzz Dusseldorf.
May I have your hat?
OK, fans. Drop them in.
Pick one, will you, please?
I'm game.
What does it say?
It says Pierre.
That's me!
Where do I come to pick you up?
- What's our address?
- Why?
Well, we just had this lottery,
and Pierre won me.
Lucky Pierre.
He's the navigator.
That so? Well, you better
change your course, Lucky.
You're way off the beam.
This way, Miss Hazeltine.
Now just a darn minute.
So long, fans!
But that's not fair!
Madame, I appeal to you
as a woman.
As a matter of fact, you do.
Au revoir.
So you're gonna be like that?
Like what?
A company man like those
old poops in Rome and Paris...
breathing down my neck
every minute, cramping my style.
Look, Miss Hazeltine.
You're underage,
and I'm under orders!
Europe... what a drag!
I've done the Colosseum bit
and the Mona Lisa bit...
but they never take me
to any of those marvy places...
like the Lido
and the Crazy Horse and Le Sexy.
I promise you, you'll have
a wonderful time in Berlin.
That's why I came.
I hear this is
a real swinging town.
Where did you hear that?
Don't you ever
read the headlines?
Everybody says Berlin's
the hottest spot...
in the world right now.
Would you care to make
a short statement...
for the American Forces Network?
Phyllis, please!
We're a little late, folks,
so good night.
This your ticket?
Fritz, with the luggage machen.
You'd better send
a cable to Tara...
and tell them
Scarlett's checked in.
Don't bother. Let them worry.
I didn't volunteer
for this trip.
They deported me just to bust it
up between me and Choo Choo.
Who's Choo Choo?
Choo Choo Babcock.
I met him in a telephone booth.
43 of us piled inside...
You know, to break the record...
And Choo Choo and I
were on the bottom...
and by the time we got out,
we were engaged.
That's a record, all right.
But Daddy didn't approve
because Choo Choo's folks...
are from the wrong side
of the tracks...
and let's face it,
my daddy's an S-N-O-B.
A what?
- A snob.
- Oh.
Seventeen. Isn't that a little
young to be engaged?
Oh, I've been
engaged four times.
All the women in our family
are sort of hot-blooded.
What have we got here?
Whatever it is, it's all ours
for the next two weeks.
Isn't that marvy?
I'm sorry. I will keep them
here after hours practicing.
Never mind that.
My chauffeur didn't
show up this morning.
Fritz? I will find out
what happened to him.
I don't care
what happened to him.
Find out what happened
to my car.
I'm sorry.
While they are
practicing not standing...
I will practice
not clicking my heels.
Guten Morgen, Frulein Ingeborg.
Guten Morgen.
Like freshly baked pumpernickel.
Here's your mail.
Here's your
"Wall Street Journal"...
and here is my resignation.
What are you talking about?
Now you do not work me
overtime anymore.
You do not take advantage
of me on weekends.
You have lost all interest
in the umlaut...
so, obviously, my services
are no longer required here.
You know my problem.
We have this houseguest.
You said she would
be in Berlin two weeks.
Can I help it if she caught
the German measles?
She's been here now two months.
She likes it here.
It's a damn nuisance, but what
am I gonna do, throw her out?
Doesn't she have to go home?
It's August.
Won't schools soon open?
In Georgia? You never know.
Come on now.
What is all this nonsense
about quitting?
I have had offers for many jobs.
After all, I'm bilingual.
Don't I know it.
Remember that Russian
Trade Commission?
They keep calling me
all the time.
They want me very badly.
I'll bet, those Siberian wolves.
So you better
find yourself another girl.
All right!
Classified ad to run
in all Berlin papers.
middle-aged executive...
"wants attractive,
young secretary."
"Must be versatile
and cooperative."
"Excellent salary,
congenial working conditions..."
"Fringe benefits."
Fringe benefits? What is that?
Little extras...
like, for instance,
this morning...
I was passing that fancy shop
on the Kurfuerstendamm...
and there was this white
silk dress in the window...
with polka dots all over it
and a matching hat.
And a bag?
And matching shoes?
Why not?
I'll take the job.
You got it.
Danke schn.
You're welcome.
Please. Not while
you're chewing gum.
Uh, that'll be all,
Frulein Ingeborg.
- More later.
- Anytime.
Yes, Schlemmer?
I called the garage.
I called his wife.
No Fritz.
I can see this is going
to be one of those days.
You better call the police.
I already did.
Gave them a complete description
of the car...
Model, license number,
engine number.
You're a good man, Schlemmer.
Thank you, sir.
Schlemmer, how much
are we paying you?
Two hundred marks a week.
Let's see. That would be
about fifty dollars.
- That's all.
- That's enough.
Yes, sir.
Hello? Hello? Yes?
Atlanta, Georgia?
Put it through.
MacNamara, what's going on
there in Berlin?
I have a letter here
from Scarlett.
It says she's been going
to operas, concerts, museums.
That doesn't sound
like my little girl.
Oh, you're going to be
surprised, Mr. Hazeltine.
She's a different person now.
Oh, I don't mind telling you.
We were a little worried
when she first arrived...
but she turned out just fine.
Well, I'll be damned!
Anyway, you'll be
relieved to know...
that Mrs. Hazeltine and I
are leaving for Europe today...
and we're going to take
Scarlett off your hands.
We'll be sorry to lose her.
No, it was no bother at all.
Two weeks, two months.
What's the difference?
Well, I want you to know...
that we're mighty grateful
to you, MacNamara.
Actually, the reason
I'm making this trip...
There's gonna be
a shift in personnel.
We're naming a new head
of European operations...
and you won't be forgotten, Mac.
The London job?
Well, I don't know what to say.
I never expected
anything like that.
Just to be considered
for the job...
is a great honor.
Of course, I have been
with the company...
for the past fifteen years...
and I know the European market
like the inside of my pocket...
It's your wife
on the other phone.
She must talk to you.
Not now.
I'm on long distance.
I told her that,
but she insists.
Would you hold on a minute,
Mr. Hazeltine?
There's a little emergency
in the accounting department.
What is it, Phyllis?
What's so important?
Well, if you put it that way,
nothing, really.
I just thought
you might be interested...
in what's going on
around the house, mein Fhrer.
You out of your mind?
I'm talking to Mr. Hazeltine
about the London job...
and you want to chitchat?
I'm sorry.
It's just that
Miss Hazeltine is missing...
but we can discuss it
some other time.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Wait a minute, Phyllis.
What do you mean she's missing?
Bertha took her breakfast up,
and she's not there.
Her bed hasn't been slept in.
Well, that's ridiculous.
We got back from the movie
around 11:00...
and Scarlett
went right upstairs.
What could have happened to her?
Who knows? Gone with the wind.
Maybe she ran away.
Maybe she was kidnapped
by a white slave ring.
Oh, swell.
Hold on, will you?
I wish I were in hell
with my back broken.
Sorry, Mr. Hazeltine.
They come running to me
with all their little problems.
Now, about your trip.
What boat are you sailing on?
Boat? Who's got time for that?
Mrs. Hazeltine and I...
are flying to New York
this afternoon...
taking the overnight jet
to London.
There's a connecting
flight to Berlin...
and we'll be there
at noon tomorrow.
Noon tomorrow?
You mean our time?
Of course I'll tell Scarlett,
first chance I get.
Yes, sir.
We'll see you at the airport
unless those damn Commies...
shoot the plane down.
Yeah. Auf Wiedersehen.
For God's sake, Phyllis,
we've got to find that idiot.
Her parents are arriving
Where could she be?
She doesn't know anybody
in Berlin except us.
Well, have Bertha look again.
Maybe she left a note.
What about her luggage?
Well, I'm glad to hear
something is still there.
No, I'm not blaming you.
It's just that lousy
MacNamara luck.
First I lost a bottling plant...
and now I lose
the boss' daughter!
I think
we are getting someplace.
We found Fritz.
Fritz? To hell with Fritz!
It's the girl
we're looking for now.
He has some information.
Where is she?
I do not know, not precisely...
but last night, I dropped her
at the Brandenburg Gate.
The Brandenburg Gate? Why?
Because that is where
I drop her every night...
and that is where I pick
her up every morning.
How long has this been going on?
Since last month, sir.
Usually, I get her
back to the house...
before you wake up,
but this morning...
I wait for her, and I wait.
You mean, you've been helping
her sneak out behind my back?
Yes, sir, but I have
a very good excuse.
She pays me
a hundred marks a night...
Fifty for driving her,
fifty for not telling you.
Do I have your permission
to fire him?
Not yet!
Now, let's go step by step.
After you drop her
at the Brandenburg Gate...
what does she do?
She crosses the border
into East Berlin.
East Berlin?
That is why I am so worried...
because this morning,
she did not come back.
You're worried?
I'm going down in flames,
and he's worried.
Ingeborg, clear the switchboard.
I want
Brigadier General Hartel...
Commanding Officer
of the American sector.
Next, get me Mayor Willy Brandt.
Next, get me
the Police Commissioner...
of West Berlin.
Next, I want to speak
to the U.S. Ambassador in Bonn.
You got that? OK.
Fritz, you wait downstairs.
I may need you later.
Schlemmer, how can we find out
what happened to her?
Can we get any information
from East Berlin?
Only through official channels
in triplicate.
What if we just
picked up the phone...
and called the authorities
over there?
It is not that easy.
Why not?
There's no direct phone service
to East Berlin.
You have to call Stockholm.
From there it goes
through Warsaw...
to Leipzig,
then to East Berlin...
and then, nine times out of ten,
you get the wrong number.
- Try it anyway.
- Yes, sir.
General Hartel
is out on army maneuvers?
Well, what about
Mayor Willy Brandt?
He's watching the maneuvers.
And the Police Commissioner?
I see.
He's watching Willy Brandt.
So who's minding the store?
What about the call to Bonn?
Our ambassador
is back in Washington...
for consultation?
Come in, come in.
I'll be right with you.
Get me Washington,
the State Department...
whoever answers...
Dean Rusk, Dean Acheson,
Dean anybody.
And if you have no luck there...
get me Senator Talmadge
of Georgia...
and if he isn't in,
try Huntley and Brinkley at NBC.
What's all the excitement?
Oh, nothing.
You just scared
the hell out of us!
You all right?
I'm just marvy.
What were you doing
in East Berlin?
You mean, last night?
I mean all those nights.
You see, there's this boy
over there.
What boy?
What have you been up to?
Well, I met him
about six weeks ago.
I went into East Berlin,
and there was this parade...
and they wanted to arrest me.
Arrest you?
Because I was taking pictures.
And then this boy...
He was in the parade...
He said to the policemen
I shouldn't be arrested.
I should be pitied because I was
a typical bourgeois parasite...
and the rotten fruit
of a corrupt civilization.
So naturally,
I fell in love with him.
Want to see his picture?
Not particularly.
Now, I want your honest opinion.
Isn't he beautiful?
You fell in love
with Khrushchev?
No, silly, the one
that's carrying Khrushchev.
His name's Otto.
I finally got
East Berlin on the phone...
and just like I told you,
wrong number.
Hi there.
Now, you and this Otto...
exactly what do you do
when you're together?
Oh, all kinds of goodies.
I wash his shirts,
and he broadens my mind...
and if it's a warm night,
we go lie on the roof...
and watch the Sputniks go by.
Is that all?
Well, last night,
we were blowing up balloons.
You know.
It's a Communist trick!
When the wind is right,
they float them across...
to undermine our morale.
"Yankee go home"?
They come in all colors...
Green and yellow and blue.
You've been helping
this guy to spread...
anti-American propaganda?
It's not anti-American.
It's anti-Yankee...
and where I come from,
everybody's against the Yankees.
I have good mind to change
this to "Russki go home"...
and when the wind blows
the other way...
Now, you listen to me,
Scarlett Hazeltine.
There's gonna be no more
of this foolishness...
because tomorrow, your parents
are coming to take you home.
They are?
Who? Chet Huntley?
All right. I'll speak to him.
Hello, Mr. Huntley.
I just want to tell you
I've been watching your program.
Keep up the good work. Bye!
Now, when your parents arrive...
I want you to keep
your mouth shut...
for your sake and mine...
because if they ever find out
what's been going on...
I better
talk this over with Otto.
Oh, no, you don't!
You're not gonna
see him again...
and you're not going
back to East Berlin.
Oh. He's right downstairs.
Otto, darling!
Up here.
Come on up, Liebchen.
I don't want that creep
in my office.
Why don't you send him home
to clean out his cage?
I think he better be here...
because we have
something to tell you.
Tell me what?
You're not engaged again,
are you?
No, not this time.
- Thank God.
- We're married.
For a minute there,
I was afraid...
You're married?
It will be six weeks on Monday.
You married a Communist?
He's not a Communist.
He's a republican.
He comes from
the Republic of East Germany.
Why, you dumb,
stupid little pot!
Do you realize what you've done?
You've ruined me, that's all.
What are your parents
going to say?
They trusted me,
and I trusted you.
Then you go and pull
an idiotic stunt like this.
Why didn't you
look after me better?
Fifteen years with the company
down the drain.
I'll be blacklisted.
My kids will starve.
My wife will be selling pencils!
And all on account
of you and your hot blood.
Come in. Come in, Otto.
This is Mr. MacNamara.
My husband...
Otto Ludwig Piffl.
Piffl? Wouldn't you know.
Where did you dig him up?
He doesn't even wear socks.
He doesn't wear shorts, either.
Isn't that exciting?
Take your cap off.
Because I said so.
In Lenin's tomb,
I take my cap off.
If Van Cliburn
plays Tchaikovsky...
I take my cap off...
but in Coca-Cola office, phooey!
Do it for me, Otto, darling.
For you, I do it.
He could use a haircut...
and I'd like
to give it to him myself...
with a hammer and sickle.
Shut up, you punk.
Don't you talk like that
to my husband.
He's not your husband!
In the first place,
she's underage.
Next, we don't recognize
the government of East Germany.
Next, she admits that while she
was washing your shirts...
you were washing her brain!
So the whole thing is illegal.
No, it's not.
I have a certificate.
And tell him
about the wedding rings.
Forged from the steel
of a brave cannon...
that fought at Stalingrad.
I don't care
who your jeweler is!
The marriage is illegal.
You say, but in the eyes...
of the People's Republic
of East Germany...
we are husband and wife.
You are not in East Germany now.
You are in West Berlin,
and I can have you arrested...
for lying on rooftops
with a minor.
Of course you can.
I know your tactics.
You can have me arrested.
You can have tortured.
You can have me shot like you've
been doing in the Congo!
Africa for the Africans!
All I want from you,
Scarlett Piffl...
is silence
and damn little of that.
Don't you talk like that
to my wife!
Who? Brinkley?
Well, tell him I already
gave the message to Huntley.
Look, Otto baby.
If we're to live together
in peaceful coexistence...
there must be a certain amount
of give-and-take.
How'd you like a thousand marks?
For what?
Just get on your motorcycle,
go back where you came from...
and forget
about the whole thing.
You can't bribe him.
Two thousand?
How about five thousand?
Otto, what are you saying?
OK. Five thousand marks.
If it's worth five thousand,
why not fifty thousand?
Fifty thousand? You crazy?
I just want to see
how far they will go...
to break up a happy
Socialist marriage.
I spit on your money.
I spit on Fort Knox!
I spit on Wall Street!
Unsanitary little jerk,
isn't he?
You and your kind are doomed.
We will take over West Berlin.
We will take over
Western Europe.
We will bury you!
Do me a favor, will you?
Bury us, but don't marry us.
Look at all this waste.
Capitalism is like
a dead herring in the moonlight.
It shines, but it stinks!
He talks like that all the time.
Tell him about
Coca-Cola colonialism.
As chairman Khrushchev said...
on the 40th anniversary
of the revolution...
To hell with the revolution
and to hell with Khrushchev!
The hell with Frank Sinatra.
Oh, it's gonna be
a real clambake...
when your folks
get here tomorrow.
How are we gonna explain this?
That's your problem
because I won't be here.
What do you mean,
you won't be here?
Tonight, my wife and I
are leaving for Moscow.
That's what I came to tell you.
He's got a scholarship...
to the People's
Technological Institute.
He's studying to be
a missile engineer.
Soviet missiles...
American missiles...
Miami beach.
So you just tell Daddy
I'm on my way to the U.S.S.R.
That's short for Russia.
Are you out of your
seventeen-year-old mind?
Russia's to get out of,
not to get into.
Where Otto goes, I go!
You just try to stop us.
Can you talk to your wife?
Well, I certainly
can't talk to them.
On this phone.
Hello? Yes, dear.
Mac, hold everything.
I bet I know
what happened to Scarlett.
Lucky Pierre
must be back in town.
It's not Lucky Pierre.
It's Crazy Otto.
Are you ready for this?
She's married. That's right.
She got herself an ever-loving,
card-carrying husband.
She married a Communist?
This is gonna be the biggest
thing to hit Atlanta...
since General Sherman
threw that little barbecue.
No, I don't think it's funny.
They're gonna live in Moscow?
Now, that's funny.
Yeah, hysterical,
but what can I do...
go fight the Kremlin?
I can't stop them.
They're young,
they're in love...
and we're a dead herring
in the moonlight...
so who am I to stand in the way
of a happy Socialist marriage?
Oh, come off it, Mac.
I know you.
You've got something
up your sleeve.
I wouldn't be surprised. Bye.
Now, what time
are you kids leaving?
7:00 on the Moscow Express.
Why do you want to know?
Because I'm gonna
dynamite the train.
What makes you guys
so suspicious?
I better get back to the house
and start packing.
You think I ought to take
both my mink coats?
Darling, no woman
should have two mink coats...
until every woman in the world
has one mink coat.
Why don't you
cut the other one up...
and make him a pair of shorts?
I hear it's freezing there
all the time.
Thirty below zero.
Fascist lies!
You better go home
and pack, too, darling.
It will take me no time...
Just my chessboard, my extra
shirt, and two hundred books.
Well, as long as Smiley here
is going back to East Berlin...
I'll get the car for you.
Schlemmer, will you
run downstairs...
and tell Fritz he'll have
to take Scarlett home?
You're letting her go to Moscow?
In a pig's eye.
Now, look.
His motorcycle's downstairs.
Remember that idea
you had about the balloon?
Just think, Liebchen...
tomorrow night, we'll be
strolling hand in hand...
across Red Square.
I hope you won't be
ashamed of me...
in front of your friends.
Of course not.
I promise you, I'll only wear
my jewelry at home.
They have assigned us
a magnificent apartment...
just a short walk
from the bathroom.
I love you.
I'll make you very happy.
Every morning, we'll have
breakfast in bed.
Sounds wonderful.
Also lunch, also dinner.
In bed?
There's no table and no chairs.
Who cares?
I'll pick you at 6:30 sharp...
because the 7:00 train to Moscow
leaves promptly at 8:15.
Wait a minute, kids.
Before you go, I'd like
to give you a little present.
It's customary when
two people get married.
Otto's friends
didn't give us any presents.
Instead, they sent the money...
to the unemployed
cotton pickers in Mississippi.
Oh. How about a cocktail shaker?
No. I guess not.
I know.
A cuckoo clock.
Handmade by dwarfs
in the Black Forest.
So now they're
exploiting dwarfs.
I'm sorry I haven't got
any fancy wrapping paper.
We do not want
anything from you.
Otto, don't be rude.
I think it's very sweet
of Mr. MacNamara.
Now we'll have
a bed and a clock.
We will get
our own clock in Russia.
If your clocks don't run
any better than your trains...
you might as well take this one.
You laugh at us now,
but not for long...
because you're arrogant
and fat and bloated.
The worms will have a picnic.
See you on the barricades, pal.
When the day comes,
I'll put in a good word for you.
It's my parents
I feel sorry for.
It's too late to save them.
Otto says
they'll have to be liquidated.
Hurry up!
Wiedersehen, Liebchen.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Good boy, Schlemmer.
Yes, sir.
Anything else you wish me to do?
No, thanks.
We can just sit back now...
and let the East German
police finish the job.
Pardon me.
I must be very stupid, but I
do not understand any of this.
There's nothing to it.
All it takes is a little
knowledge of physics...
and elementary psychology.
Right now,
Comrade Otto Ludwig Piffl...
is tooling along
on his motorcycle...
toward East Berlin,
gay, chipper...
feeling like a million rubles.
Little does he know that
meanwhile back at the exhaust...
the fumes
are filling the balloon.
It gets bigger and bigger...
and all the time
in the sidecar...
a little booby trap
is ticking away.
Now, if my calculations
are correct...
all these things
will begin to pay off...
once he passes through
the Brandenburg Gate.
You can forward my mail care of
American Express in Moscow.
And "Vogue" magazine
and "Screen Romances."
All right, If you promise
to send me "Pravda" every day...
just the funnies.
He should be here by now.
What time is it?
6:25. Relax.
Danke schn, Danke schn.
Don't mention it.
Are you sure you want
to leave her that coat?
Oh, yes.
Otto thinks every woman
should have a mink.
I'm with Otto.
Well, maybe she'll let me
borrow it on my night out.
Do you realize that
Otto spelled backwards is Otto?
How about that?
You'll like him.
He looks just like Jack Kennedy,
only he's younger...
and he has more upstairs.
More brains?
More hair.
And of course, ideologically,
he's much sounder.
Maybe we voted
for the wrong man.
That couldn't happen in Russia.
They don't make mistakes?
They don't vote.
Have you ever made love
to a revolutionary?
No, but I once necked
with a Stevenson Democrat.
We'll, I've been engaged four
times, so I know about men...
and those subversives,
they're the wildest!
- Really?
- No contest.
And I just thought we were
lagging behind in missiles.
Hiya, girls. Wie gehts?
Was ist cooking?
Bertha, you better
take Miss Hazeltine's luggage...
back upstairs.
Back upstairs? She's leaving.
I wouldn't count on it.
Bourbon and soda, anyone?
What's he talking about?
Otto's coming
to pick me up any minute.
Oh, no, he's not.
Otto's been picked up himself
by the East German police.
Police? What for?
Who knows?
Over there,
they toss people in jail...
like we throw away used Kleenex.
In jail?
How do you know?
Bad news travels fast.
Say when.
Where is he? I must go to him.
That's the worst thing
you can do.
He's in trouble enough already.
But he's my husband.
I want to help him.
We all do.
That's why we have
to get the marriage...
annulled right away.
Now wait a minute, Mac.
If on top of everything else,
they find out he's married...
to the parasite daughter
of an American capitalist...
they'll send him up
for twenty years...
slaving away in the salt mines,
schlepping those heavy bags...
barefoot through the snow
with nothing to keep him warm...
but the hot breath
of the Cossacks.
Nice work, Mac.
Scarlett. Scarlett!
Try some ice.
Bertha, call Dr. Bauer,
will you?
I will call the doctor...
but I will not give back
the mink coat.
The temperature, she is normal.
Der pulse...
What's the matter, doctor?
I have missed the first act
of "The Valkyrie."
Der pulse is normal.
Das ist definitely nicht normal.
I'll fix that.
Cut it out, kids.
Scarlett is sick.
If she dies,
can I have my room back?
How would I know?
I'm not a lawyer.
That's your job.
What am I paying you for?
You must have
some contacts in East Berlin.
No! I don't want
the marriage just annulled.
I want it wiped off the books.
I don't care how you do it.
Bribe one of the clerks
over there.
Destroy the file.
Look. If you guys could
burn down the Reichstag...
you can set a match to one
measly marriage certificate...
and it has to be done tonight!
Feeling pretty good,
aren't you, mein Fhrer?
Not bad.
You framed that poor boy.
You bet I did.
I'm not gonna let
that Communist kook...
ruin somebody's life.
But she loves him.
Not her life, mine!
I'm all set for the London job.
You want me to blow it?
I couldn't care less.
I'm fed up
with this whole deal...
Hopping all around the map...
from Baghdad to Caracas
to Cape Town...
dragging our young behind us.
Who needs it?
What would you suggest?
Well, why can't you get yourself
a nice, permanent job...
with the home office in Atlanta?
Atlanta? You can't be serious.
That's Siberia with mint juleps!
Mac, I've had it.
I want to go home.
Give me one good reason.
All right.
Cindy has to have
her teeth straightened.
Tommy is ten years old.
He's never had
a peanut butter sandwich.
And for a change,
I'd like to see "Gunsmoke"...
not in German
or Portuguese or Swahili!
You want to go home
and pay taxes?
We've got it made...
Big house, servants...
fat expense account...
and you want to give
all that up...
for a peanut butter sandwich?
Oh, it's a great life for you.
Everywhere we go,
you find yourself...
some friendly secretary...
who gives language lessons
on the side.
What does that mean?
I can always tell
when you've got a new teacher.
You start wearing your
elevator shoes to the office.
Phyllis, are you implying...
I've known it for years.
And you never said
anything to me about it?
That's not fair!
I just didn't want to be one of
those nagging American wives...
but maybe I was wrong.
Maybe we should have had it out
a long time ago.
How is she, doctor?
Perfectly normal.
She keeps asking
for somebody named Otto.
Otto? Never heard of him.
But she's going to be all right.
Hundert prozent.
You will be happy to know
that the young lady is...
How do you say it in English?
What's that?
You're the one
who's studying German.
Schwanger. You know.
Such a dummkopf I am!
Schwanger, schwanger.
I know what it means.
You told me
not to use words like that.
Come on!
You want me to tell you?
Scarlett's gonna have puppies.
She's pregnant?
That is the word. Pregnant!
Auf Wiedersehen.
Schwanger is pregnant.
Pregnant is schwanger.
Mother of mercy.
Is this the end of Little Rico?
All right, children,
back to your room.
Get ready for bed.
I wonder what it's like
to work for Pepsi Cola.
Please, Phyllis.
So tomorrow,
Mr. and Mrs. Hazeltine...
will arrive at the airport...
and there will be
little Scarlett...
unchanged, unspoiled, unwed,
just slightly schwanger.
Phyllis, I'm trying to think!
Think fast, Mr. Moto...
because there will be
a few questions asked...
like, for instance,
who's the father?
I'll have the answers
when the time comes.
You better have Otto
when the time comes.
Otto? That would be disaster!
Let me see.
She was secretly married...
to somebody
in the American embassy.
They were honeymooning
in the Alps...
and he was killed
by an avalanche.
Nah! That's no good.
He was sent on a secret mission
behind the Iron Curtain...
never heard from again!
As a matter of fact,
the whole thing was so secret...
we can't even mention his name.
Now you're really running amuck.
You think Scarlett
is going to stand still for...
Better a dead hero
than a live Communist.
First thing in the morning...
I'll pick up
a distinguished service medal.
It was awarded to him
And while you're at it,
pin one on yourself...
First-class heel
with oak leaf cluster.
Well, what do you want me to do?
I had enough trouble
getting the guy into jail.
It's gonna be ten times
as tough to get him out!
Don't click your heels.
Schlemmer, I'm gonna
need you tonight.
I'll pick you up
in front of your house...
in exactly ten minutes.
Meanwhile, call Ingeborg.
Tell her it's an emergency.
We'll pick her up
in exactly twelve minutes.
Over and out!
Wo fahren Sie hin?
Ost Berlin.
- Papiere.
- American citizen.
What is purpose of your visit?
I'm going to see
Commissar Peripetchikoff...
chairman of
the Russian Trade Commission.
- What for?
- On business.
I represent Coca-Cola.
Coca-Cola? You have proof?
Will this do?
I confiscate proof.
Fair enough.
Just return the empties.
OK. Proceed.
If I may say so,
this whole idea is crazy.
It will not work.
I can feel it.
And I'm scared.
Pull yourself
together, Schlemmer.
- That's an order.
- Yes, sir.
I'm scared, also.
Not for myself.
I only worry something
will happen to my new dress.
I'll buy you
a half a dozen dresses.
They're staying at
the Grand Hotel Potemkin.
Do you know where that is?
Yes, sir. It used to be
the Great Hotel Gring...
and before that,
it was the Great Hotel Bismarck.
Gospodin MacNamara.
If it isn't my old friend
Hart, Schaffner, and Karl Marx.
I see you bring
blond lady with you.
Ring a ding ding.
Sit down!
Sit down, my friends.
- Join us.
- Right here, Frulein.
I said Karl Marx, not Groucho.
To what do we owe
this unexpected pleasure?
Well, you're a trade commission.
I thought we might trade.
No, but I hear
you boys would like...
Frulein Ingeborg
to go to work for you.
You want to trade
your secretary?
- Right.
- For Russian secretary?
- Wrong.
- I do not blame you.
Ours is built like
bowlegged samovar.
We find proposition
very interesting.
Now, what can we offer you?
Actually, all I want from you
is a small favor.
Small favor,
big favor... anything.
There's a guy named
Otto Ludwig Piffl.
He's being held
by the East German police.
For what reason?
Son of a gun
stole my cuckoo clock.
- You want cuckoo clock back?
- Wrong.
- You want Piffl back?
- Right.
Impossible, my friend.
We cannot interfere
with internal affairs...
of Sovereign Republic
of East Germany.
No Piffl, no deal.
Let's go, Ingeborg.
Wait! What is the hurry?
You're not giving us a chance.
Is old Russian proverb.
You cannot milk cow
with hands in pockets.
Herr Robert! Vodka! Caviar!
Herr Kapellmeister!
More rock'n'roll!
You like this caviar?
We give you a hundred pounds.
I want Piffl.
Would you take new automobile?
1961 Moskvich hardtop
convertible... two-toned.
You mean that Russian hot rod
parked outside?
Is wonderful car.
Is exact copy of 1937 Nash.
Not interested.
We will give you
Chinese cigarettes...
Armenian rugs...
Bulgarian yogurt?
Piffl or nothing.
I know what.
We have warehouse full of Spam
left over from lend-lease.
It's 5:00, and we're
getting nowhere.
Ingeborg, put your shoes on.
One more minute, please.
Summit conference!
Before we make deal,
we want right of inspection.
I veto it.
I thought so.
Well, comrades,
what are we going to do?
He's got it, we want it.
Are we going to accept...
his blackmailing
capitalistic deal?
- Let us take a vote.
- I vote yes.
Two out of three.
Deal is on.
Comrades, before
we get in trouble...
I must warn you...
I'm not really from
Soft Drink Secretariat.
I'm undercover agent
assigned to watch you.
In that case, I vote no.
Deal is off.
But I vote yes.
Two out of three again!
Deal is on.
OK, kids, strip for action.
It was
an itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny.
Yellow polka dot bikini.
That she wore
for the first time today.
An itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny
yellow polka dot bikini.
So in the locker
she wanted to stay.
Amerikanischer Spion?
Did you hear that?
He is a confessed American spy.
In that case, I want
nothing to do with it...
because if they ever
find out in Moscow...
He's right.
No secretary is worth that risk.
On the other hand...
why should they
find out in Moscow?
I will not inform them.
But if they do find out...
then we just cross the border
into West Berlin.
That is easy for you to say.
You are a bachelor.
But if I defect...
you know what they
will do to my family?
They will line them up against
the wall and shoot them...
My wife
and my mother-in-law...
and my sister-in-law
and my brother-in-law.
Comrades, let's do it.
You tried to bamboozle us.
You say he's cuckoo clock thief.
We know he's American spy.
You'd better get him out of here
before we all get into trouble.
It's a pleasure to do
business with you boys.
Wait! Where is blond lady?
I'll send her right over.
Oh, you poor baby.
- Did you hurt yourself?
- Let me help you.
He has bamboozled us again.
Those Russians...
I hope they were not
too disappointed.
That's their problem.
Actually, they were very cute.
I can't decide which one
I like the best...
the big fat one or the bald one.
That's Schlemmer's problem.
Fritz, what's that behind us?
Looks like a 1937 Nash.
OK. Step on it.
You remember us.
We came through earlier.
You wait.
Here is empties.
Let's go, Fritz.
Itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny
yellow polka dot bikini.
Drop dead.
That's enough, Ingeborg.
Cut it out!
Why are you so
unfriendly this morning?
I thought everything
was wunderbar.
Some wunderbar.
Can you imagine what's
going to happen at noon...
when the Hazeltines
step off that plane...
and get a load
of their new son-in-law?
You slob.
And when he opens
his big fat red mouth...
it's good-bye, Charlie.
Who is Charlie?
Charles H. Kaput.
What's keeping Scarlett?
I wish she'd get here.
I wish Schlemmer
would get here...
Or anyway, send my dress back.
What do you want in this...
Cream, sugar?
Just a couple of lumps
of Benzedrine.
It's going to be a rough day.
You'd better put something on.
Your goose pimples are showing.
Ooh, that's nothing.
You should see my sister.
Where is he?
before that maniac wakes up,
I've got to talk to you.
There's only one way
out of this mess.
Otto. Otto, darling.
Otto, it's me... Scarlett.
Otto. Otto, darling, wake up.
- Otto.
- Scarlett?
Darling, I have something
very exciting to tell you.
How did I get here?
I should take that
wedding present...
and break it over your head.
That's gratitude after all
the trouble I went through...
to get you out of jail.
- You got me into jail!
- So we're even.
You know, yesterday, when you
didn't show up, I fainted.
It's all his fault.
Well, not entirely.
Don't you want to hear
what the doctor said?
Get him some coffee.
He's gonna need it.
From you, I don't need anything.
I'm gonna have a baby.
If my wife wasn't here...
and if she wasn't gonna
have a baby...
- What?
- That's right.
Liebchen! Oh!
That's just what
the world needs...
Another bouncing baby Bolshevik.
I was so afraid
you wouldn't want it.
Oh, you little fool.
I want dozens!
So do I.
So does the Party.
They encourage it.
We must outproduce the West!
I hear they got a new plan now.
Instead of one woman taking
nine months to have a baby...
they're gonna put nine women
to work on it...
and do it in one month.
The minute
we arrive in Moscow...
we must get
on the waiting list...
for the People's
Maternity Ward...
and the People's Obstetrician.
No. I'd like to fly over
my own doctor from Atlanta...
and my own nurse
and my governess.
What for?
The State takes care
of everything!
At the age of six months,
the baby will be enrolled...
in the People's Nursery School.
Naturally, we will have
visiting rights...
every other Sunday.
Every other Sunday?
You can bring him some pabulum
with a file in it.
Imperialist stooge!
And of course,
we'll see him on May Day.
He'll be marching by
in the parade.
We can wave to him.
You can also wave to him
on Lenin's birthday...
and on Yuri Gagarin's birthday.
That kid will be parading
all the time.
Well, at least
it'll keep him off the streets.
The tickets.
Where are the tickets?
We must find out when the next
train leaves for Moscow.
Forget it, Piffl.
You're not going to Moscow.
You can't even
get back to East Berlin.
Why not?
Because you're an American spy.
Who said so?
You did.
Don't you remember last night
at the police station?
You signed a confession...
An amerikanischer Spion.
Isn't that thrilling?
Darling, why didn't you tell me?
But I'm...
I'm not a spy! It's not true!
Makes you think, doesn't it...
about all those other
confessions they get?
Another hour,
and they'd have had you...
confessing to
germ warfare in Laos.
You did this to me.
You mean I gave you
the third degree?
Or was it your Communist chums?
You will come with me.
You will tell them
it was a trick.
Are you kidding?
Do you think they'd believe me,
an imperialist stooge?
I shall kill you!
Take it easy, kid,
or you'll wind up...
in the People's
Emergency Hospital.
Otto, darling, what are we
gonna call the baby?
My dress!
What did you do to my dress?
Yes, sir.
I'm sorry I didn't
shave this morning.
Look at my dress. It's ruined.
You have any trouble
getting out of East Berlin?
No, but I had a little trouble
in West Berlin.
I was picked up by
an American soldier in a Jeep.
He was very fresh...
Wanted to take my picture
for something called "Playboy"?
Get out of those silly clothes.
We've got a lot of work to do.
Yes, sir.
If I can have my suit.
It's in your office.
And it's gonna be
such fun shopping.
We need a bassinet
and a crib and a layette...
and we have to run down
to Paris for a few days.
They have some marvy
maternity clothes...
at Christian Dior's.
Darling, you have to
forget all that.
We can't even afford
milk for the baby.
Oh, the doctors have
a whole new theory.
Milk's the worst thing
for babies.
Scarlett, don't you understand?
I am through, finished,
To the Communists,
I'm an American spy.
To the Americans,
I'm a Communist.
I have nothing...
No home, no job...
not even my motorcycle.
That's tough.
All you got is a rich wife.
He's right.
In January, when I'm eighteen...
Daddy's giving me ten thousand
shares of Coca-Cola stock.
I'm a worker, not a gigolo!
I will not take
any money from you.
You bet you won't!
Because when your father
finds out who you married...
he'll cut you off
without a red cent.
You should
pardon the expression.
I guess so.
Daddy has a fit every time
I order anything...
with Russian dressing.
Looks bad, doesn't it?
But it's a good thing
I like you kids.
I'm gonna help you...
if idiot-boy here
will cooperate.
You go to hell!
Long distance.
Mr. Hazeltine
calling from London.
Uh-oh. The bloodhounds
are closing in.
Hello? Yes, Mr. Hazeltine.
This is MacNamara.
MacNamara, I'm gonna
have your head for this.
What do you mean, for what?
We get off
at the London airport...
to change planes...
and there's this telegram
waiting for me.
"You are going to be
a grandfather."
"Signed, MacNamara."
Is this your idea of a joke?
No, it's not my idea of a joke.
Did somebody send
a telegram to your father?
Yes, Mrs. MacNamara.
Oh, she did.
Yes, it's true.
We didn't want you
to be too surprised...
when you got here.
MacNamara, I send you
a sweet, pure, innocent girl...
who isn't even
eighteen yet, and...
It's all right, Melanie.
She's married.
Oh, thank heaven.
Wait a minute, MacNamara!
Not so fast!
Just exactly who
is she married to?
Oh, uh, I wouldn't
worry about it.
He's a wonderful boy...
Handsome, cultured...
comes from one
of the best families in Europe.
You'll be crazy about him.
Yes, sir. We'll bring him along
to the airport with us.
Happy landing.
What are you up to now?
All those lies.
You can't fool Daddy that easy.
I didn't say it was
gonna be easy...
but we sure can try.
Try what?
We're gonna turn this crumb bum
into a perfect son-in-law...
and we've got exactly
three hours and two minutes...
to do it in.
Oh, I get it. Isn't he clever?
I categorically refuse!
Sorry, sir.
I had difficulty
getting out of the girdle.
Schlemmer, I want all
of those people out there...
to drop everything
and stand by for orders.
General alarm,
complete mobilization.
Ah! Like the good old days.
Yes, sir.
I will not be a party
to this scheme.
OK, if you don't love your wife.
I worship her!
You know there's nothing
I wouldn't do for you...
but I will not
compromise my principles!
And I'd do anything for you...
even if we had
to starve together...
but we can't ask the baby
to starve, not at his age!
See, you're upsetting your wife.
Think of her condition.
I will not be turned
into a capitalist!
Once you are a son-in-law
in good standing...
I don't care what you do.
You can steal
the formula to Coca-Cola...
and square yourself with Moscow.
But at noon today...
you are going to look and act
like a gentleman!
Everybody at their posts
awaiting orders.
All right. Here we go.
First, get a barber
and a manicurist...
up to the office.
Next, call my lawyer.
I want him here immediately.
Next, I want to speak
to the manager...
of the Berlin Hilton.
Next, get ahold
of what's-his-name...
You know,
that moth-eaten count...
the one that used to
hang around at the Cafe Wien.
Count Von Droste-Schattenburg?
That's the one.
I want to see him right away.
Yes, sir.
And send Ingeborg in here
with pad and pencil.
- Yes, sir.
- Schnellmachen. 1, 2, 3!
- Ja!
- All right.
Next, we'd better
start cleaning him up.
- Over there.
- I've agreed to nothing!
Is it against the party line
to use indoor plumbing?
Come on, darling.
It won't hurt a bit.
Even if it hurts,
mit the hot water mit the soap.
- Yes, Mr. MacNamara.
- Ready?
Always ready.
First, call...
Reinhardt and Reinhardt
custom tailors...
and have them send up everything
they've got in their shop...
Single-breasted, three-buttoned,
narrow lapels,
medium-gray to dark blue,
size... uh, thirty-nine regular.
Next, call
Pleschke the haberdasher.
I want to see some shirts.
plain or tab collar...
size... 15 1/2, 34.
Shorts... nylon or cotton,
size thirty-two.
Socks... French lisle,
dark-toned, size 11 1/2.
Ties... not too wide,
not too narrow, not too fancy.
Also, pajamas, handkerchiefs...
cuff links, suspenders,
et cetera, et cetera.
Next, call Hochstaetter's.
Have them deliver some shoes...
British or Italian models...
brown and black, size 9B.
Yes, Fritz.
No, Fritz. I need you.
Sleepy or not sleepy,
everybody works today.
Next, call
any first-class hatter.
I want an assortment of hats...
No porkpies, none of that
Tyrolean jazz, size 7 3/8.
Uh, correction...
After we cut his hair, 7 1/8.
Next, call that department store
on Tauenzienstrasse.
Have them bring up a matched set
of men's luggage...
cowhide or pigskin.
Next, call the Ritz jewelers.
I want to see a selection
of gold wedding rings.
Also, engagement rings...
Diamond solitaire...
no less than two carats,
no more than four.
Make sure he scrubs
behind his ears.
Next, call Kottler's Restaurant.
Have them send up one
deluxe seven-course dinner...
and one complete table setting.
Next, call a florist,
and have them make up...
a bouquet of chrysanthemums.
Also, two boutonnieres...
White carnations.
Any questions?
Yes. Can I go home
and get some clothes?
At a time like this?
Dressed or not dressed,
everybody works today.
Now get with it.
- Manicure?
- Not me... him.
Take him into
the conference room...
and chop that mop off.
And give him a shave
and a manicure.
- No!
- What do you mean, no?
No manicure.
It's a symbol of bourgeois
decadence and insecurity.
Oh, sure. In Russia,
everybody is so secure...
they chew their nails off.
Come on, darling.
Nobody will ever know.
You can wear gloves.
Why don't you ask me
to wear striped pants?
Ingeborg, when you
talk to that tailor...
I also want some
striped pants...
a morning coat,
and a white waistcoat.
I have located
Count Von Droste-Schattenburg.
He's working the men's room
at the Kempinski Hotel.
How soon can he get here?
Well, this is
his busy time of the day.
He wants to know
if you can come there.
Absolutely not.
I'll tell him.
And your lawyer is here.
Come in!
Ah, Herr MacNamara,
isn't this a glorious day?
Cut the schmooze.
Now, listen, Zeidlitz.
Here's what I want you to do.
It has already been done.
Complete success.
The young lady can
consider herself unmarried.
It wasn't easy...
but I managed to liberate
that marriage license...
from the files in East Berlin
just like you ordered.
It's that damned
German efficiency.
That's all I need now...
An illegitimate baby
on my hands.
I beg your pardon.
He's bringing the shoes.
Shoes? Unpack them.
Let's see what you've got.
I want you to go back
to East Berlin...
and put that marriage license
right back in the file.
If you say so.
But first, I want you
to draw up some adoption papers.
- For the baby?
- No, for Otto Ludwig Piffl.
We're going to
have him adopted...
by a real honest-to-goodness,
blue-blooded aristocrat.
- Oh, a baron.
- Better than that.
The guy who is working
in the men's room...
at the Kempinski.
- Who?
- Leave the name blank.
I haven't made the deal yet.
Now get to work. In there.
Next, shoes.
No, no. Nothing with tassels.
Those are all right.
That's for bandleaders.
Those are OK. OK.
Totally unacceptable.
Full of holes.
Guten Morgen.
Reinhardt from
Reinhardt and Reinhardt.
Be right with you.
I'll take those and those
but not those.
Now, what have we got here?
Latest English styles.
All fabrics imported.
They look more like
they were deported.
Too loud. Too quiet.
All right...
but take the padding
out of the shoulders.
That's not bad.
Belt on the back?
I thought that went out
with high-buttoned shoes.
High-buttoned shoes?
I have some right here.
Never mind.
Take that stuff...
into the conference room.
I want these ready
in twenty-four hours.
Twenty-four hours?
Where's the morning coat
and striped pants?
My assistant is bringing them.
Those I want fitted right away.
- Schmuck.
- What did you say?
Schmuck. Jewelry.
Oh. Come with me. You, too.
Sitzen machen.
A strong, healthy girl like you,
you should not be cutting nails.
You should be cutting
wheat in the Ukraine.
No, no.
Leave it a little longer...
on the sides, like Sal Mineo.
Pick a couple of wedding rings.
Left foot, please.
Do you like these?
Gold? Never.
I prefer the honest steel
of the guns of Stalingrad.
Come on. You guys are always
yakking about disarmament.
We might as well start
right here and now.
Stand up, please.
He's also giving you
an engagement ring.
- He is?
- I am?
They're too big.
I assume the gentleman
will wear socks.
Not if I can help it.
Waist thirty-one.
Sit down, please.
I want this one.
How much? Eight thousand marks.
Thank you, darling.
Wait! Who's paying
for this foolishness?
Relax. You've got assets...
All that Coca-Cola stock.
You expect me to
sit on my assets...
and just clip coupons?
Don't worry.
The baby will clip the coupons.
We'll put all
the money in his name.
Sit down, please.
I will not have my son
grow up to be a capitalist!
When he's eighteen,
he can decide for himself...
whether he wants
to be a capitalist...
or a rich Communist.
Yes? Who? The manager
of the Berlin Hilton?
Put him on.
Over there.
Hello? I want to reserve
the bridal suite.
Yes, checking in today.
I didn't ask you
how much it cost.
This is for the son-in-law
of an American millionaire.
Double bed, naturally.
Silk sheets.
Tell them we don't need
a table and chairs.
We're going to have
all our meals in bed.
Never mind the silk sheets.
Just make it a tablecloth
and two napkins.
Silk sheets, diamond rings,
bridal suites.
What is this, "La Dolce Vita"?
Hey! What are you doing?
Stop it! Are you crazy?
The haberdasher's
in your office.
Keep an eye on the Kremlin Kid.
There's a newspaperman here
to see you from the "Tageblatt."
Not today.
Sitzen machen.
No, no. White shirts only.
Two dozen. French cuff.
Handkerchiefs, OK.
Socks, fine.
If he objects, we'll just
have to paint his feet black.
- Jawohl.
- Where are the pajamas?
Right here.
OK. OK. What's this?
They're beautiful.
- They are terrible.
- They are terrible.
Let's see the ties.
Jawohl, nix, jawohl, jawohl...
definitely nix.
This is the best.
It is mine.
Take it off. I'm buying it.
Good morning, Phyllis.
Looks like the Berlin branch
of Macy's Basement.
You have no idea.
It's a rat race around here.
And I know the rat.
This robe, it is jawohl or nix?
Sit down, Phyllis.
I'll be right with you.
Don't bother.
I just want
something from the safe.
- What's the combination?
- 22-5-17.
All right.
Throw that robe in...
and start taking this stuff
into the conference room.
- Jawohl.
- That guy in there...
don't tell him
those are French cuffs...
not with the Algerian
situation the way it is.
What are you looking for?
Here they are. The passports.
I'm flying back to the states,
and I'm taking the kids with me.
- You're what?
- You heard me.
What are you sore about now?
I got Otto back, didn't I?
I'm remodeling him.
Somebody should do
a little job on you.
Good-bye, Mac.
Phyllis, you can't
walk out on me like this.
I'm not walking out.
I'm just going back
where I belong...
and any time you'd
care to join us...
we'll be waiting for you.
The adoption papers,
they are ready.
What's come over you, Phyllis?
After sixteen years...
Maybe after sixteen years...
every marriage
gets a little stale...
like a leftover glass of beer.
Look, Phyllis, can't we
discuss this problem...
without bringing up
a rival beverage?
I hope these vaccination
certificates are still good.
Look, Phyllis, you knew
the kind of a guy I was...
when you married me.
Apparently not.
I'm not one
of those suburban jokers...
9:00 to 5:00 in the office,
home on the commuter train...
cut the grass every weekend.
Turns out I married Marco Polo.
Well, it wasn't all that bad,
those sixteen years.
We've had some fun.
Remember Teheran
when Cindy was born...
driving 12 miles to the hospital
in a Coca-Cola truck?
Some fun.
And remember when I had Tommy?
Do I ever.
Right in the Zurich airport.
We had a hell of a time
getting him out of customs.
And how about our honeymoon,
that wonderful week in Waikiki?
Yeah, me upstairs putting
perfume behind my ears.
You downstairs
at a soft drink convention.
Four hundred men running around
in grass skirts.
I should have said aloha
right then and there.
Now, be a good girl
and give me those.
Let's talk this over.
All right. I'm willing.
But not right now.
The Hazeltines
will be here at noon.
I've got a deadline.
You've got a deadline with me.
Phyllis, baby, I love you.
Take my word for it.
Everything is going to be fine.
We'll be living in London.
Tommy can go to Oxford.
Cindy can watch
the changing of the guard.
We can afford one
of those snooty butlers...
kippers and marmalade
for breakfast...
riding to hounds.
I will not be caught dead
in striped pants.
They're for bankers
and war profiteers.
Actually, they were ordered...
by the ambassador from the
People's Republic of Yugoslavia.
We will deal with Tito
when the time comes.
Meanwhile, take them off
and fix them.
They're much too big.
In front of the lady?
Oh, yeah, I... I forgot.
He doesn't wear shorts.
No wonder they're
winning the Cold War.
All right. In the other room.
Don't go away, Phyllis.
Ingeborg, get him some shorts.
Sitzen machen.
Good morning, Mrs. MacNamara.
Guten Morgen.
Shorts. Let me see.
Where are the shorts?
You could use some yourself.
Oh, I don't want you to think...
I come to the office
like this every day.
That's a load off my mind.
It's just that last night...
Mr. MacNamara
made me take my dress off.
Playful, isn't he?
Oh, he had a perfect right to.
After all, he paid for it.
Well, that makes
all the difference.
No, no, no.
You don't understand.
It's part of my job...
what you call fringe benefits.
How do you like that?
The son of a...
is starting
his own Marshall Plan.
Oh, here. I go now.
We both go now.
Will you please give
my husband a message?
Tell him I said aloha.
That's Hawaiian for "get lost."
What's holding up those shorts?
Right here.
And your wife said
to tell you aloha.
That's Hawaiian for "get lost."
The dinner,
where do you want it?
In the conference room.
Mr. MacNamara,
my name is Untermeier.
I'm a reporter
from the "Tageblatt."
Don't bother me.
Some other time.
But this is important.
We have information that
Miss Hazeltine of Coca-Cola...
married somebody
in East Berlin...
a member of the Communist Party.
Sitzen machen.
I will not wear these.
They look ridiculous.
They serve no useful purpose.
Darling, it's just a convention.
Back home, we even put
panties on lamb chops.
They are drip and dry.
50% nylon.
Nylon? That's DuPont.
I'll wear no monopoly.
They're also 50% cotton.
That'll help...
those sharecroppers
in Mississippi.
All right. Sit down.
Let's see how you eat.
Eat? That's the first
good idea he's had.
I'm starving.
No, not like that.
Start with the first course.
We have to teach him
some table manners.
No, no. One at a time.
And use the asparagus
tongs, darling.
The what?
Those little
grabbers over there.
Why can't I have my chicken?
OK. Fill those up...
and take them over to
the bridal suite at the Hilton.
You want initials on the bags?
Initials? He doesn't
even have a name yet.
He's right, darling.
Always white wine with chicken.
Out of a glass, stupid.
Yeah, you know everything.
Which wine to drink,
which fork to use for fish...
which knife to stab the
proletariat in the back with.
How would you like
a little fruit for dessert?
The Count is waiting
in the office.
All right.
Scarlett, keep working on him.
Here, darling.
Use the finger bowl.
No, no. Don't pack
his old clothes.
What shall we do with them?
Burn them, but first
have them disinfected.
Wait a minute!
My party membership book
is in there.
I'm paid up till December.
Sitzen machen.
Hello there.
Von Droste-Schattenburg.
MacNamara Von Omaha, Nebraska.
Would you mind telling me
why I was summoned here?
Because every minute
I am away from my post...
it costs me two marks in tips.
OK. I'll lay it on the line.
How would you like
to become a father?
At my age?
There's a young man
I'd like you to adopt...
And the tip is
two thousand marks.
Good day, sir.
Hold on there, Count.
Just because I am reduced...
to earning
my living in a washroom...
does not mean that
I'm willing to peddle...
the honor and dignity
of my family name.
The Von Droste-Schattenburgs
date back to the Second Crusade.
We have one of the oldest
bloodlines in Europe...
and one of the most inbred.
I am a direct descendant
of Philip the Bleeder.
So your proposition
is not only preposterous...
it is highly insulting.
Make it ten thousand marks.
I'll give you three thousand.
Please. I just told you...
I come from a long line
of bleeders...
so don't cut the price.
Four thousand.
I will have you know...
that I am distantly related
to ex-King Farouk of Egypt.
Thirty-five hundred.
What happened to four thousand?
It's a deal.
Ingeborg, send Piffl in here.
For an additional 500 marks,
I will include the family crest.
What is it, two cakes of soap
on a field of paper towels?
A porcupine rampant
on a field of Fleur-de-lis.
You may also have a photograph
of the Schattenburg Castle...
unfortunately destroyed
during the war.
American Air Force?
No. Turkish cavalry. 1683.
You can't just order me around...
"Come here, sit there,
do this, eat that!"
Darling, hold still.
I can't get your cuff link in.
Is this the lucky young man?
That's him. Meet your father.
My father?
Ah, my dear boy.
I'm sure you will be
a credit to the family.
It could use a little credit.
What is all this?
You're being adopted.
Adopted? Just like that,
without even asking me?
This is not only devious,
it's unilateral.
My eye. What's the matter
with my eye?
- This is your daughter-in-law.
- Gndige Frau.
Scarlett, I've got
something in my eye!
It's a monocle.
Looks cute on you.
A monocle?
How sneaky can you get?
Go in there
and sign the papers...
and give this to the cashier
on the way out.
Thank you.
What do you think you're doing?
It's on the house, no charge.
Good-bye, my son.
Now, I want you kids to
memorize your new name.
You are the Count and Countess
Von Droste-Schattenburg.
Countess! That means
everybody has to curtsy to me...
except maybe Grace Kelly.
Nobody will curtsy to you.
I refuse to join
the aristocracy.
They're all leeches...
the underprivileged masses.
Not the
Von Droste-Schattenburgs.
They bleed themselves.
Take him into the other room
and get him dressed.
And now that he's got a name...
there are some things
I want him to sign.
What things?
First, I'm turning over
my limousine...
and my chauffeur to you.
All I want is
my motorcycle back.
Whoever heard of
a countess in a sidecar?
Besides, where
will we put the baby?
And have him fill out
these applications...
Golf club, Diners Club...
Blue Cross,
Book of the Month Club...
Fruit of the Month Club.
I will sign nothing.
I will join nothing.
But, darling,
it's the American way of life.
American way of life.
Unemployment, discrimination...
juvenile delinquency...
but under
our new twenty-year plan...
we will catch up with you.
Lots of luck.
Ingeborg, get the manager
of the bottling plant...
up here right away...
and see if you can find me
a sign painter in a hurry.
What M.P.s?
What can I do for you boys?
Are you the head man
around here?
That's me.
We have a report
from one of our G.I.s...
you've got
a female employee here...
who's an enemy agent.
Enemy agent?
What would you call
a dame that's running around...
with "Yankee go home"
tattooed on her chest?
Somebody must be
pulling your leg.
Maybe and maybe not.
Mind if we look around?
Be my guest.
Oh, OK, buster.
Let's go.
You sent for me, sir?
Krause, as manager
of the bottling plant...
you're always complaining
that you need more help.
Yes, sir.
We're very busy downstairs.
Well, cheer up. You're going
to get an assistant.
- Who?
- You.
- Me?
- That's right.
The new manager
of the bottling plant...
is Otto Von Droste-Schattenburg.
I refuse.
Your position may be lower,
but your pay will be higher.
I accept.
All right.
Into the conference room.
You've got fifteen minutes...
to teach this guy
everything you know...
about the bottling business.
I can't thank you enough.
Bertha, let me talk
to Mrs. MacNamara.
What do you mean
she packed up and left?
Mit die Kinder?
Where did they go?
Into a taxi.
Thanks a lot.
Mr. MacNamara, I don't want
to take up your time...
so if you'll just let me
talk to Miss Hazeltine.
About what?
About her marriage to
that Communist in East Berlin.
I'd like a statement
before we print the story.
There is no story,
and there's no Communist.
But we know she got married.
Sure she did, to Count Otto
Von Droste-Schattenburg.
- Who?
- Otto the Bleeder.
Goes all the way
back to the Second Crusade...
a Turkish cavalry.
Here's the family castle.
Oh, uh...
come with me.
Sitzen machen.
I want you to paint this crest
on the door of a car.
How long will it take?
That's too long.
Look, my Mercedes
is parked downstairs.
Oh, excuse me.
- Miss Hazeltine?
- Yes?
How do you spell
your husband's name?
Piffl? I thought it was
Von Droste-Schattenburg.
Oh, that.
You mustn't believe...
Mr. MacNamara tells you.
He fixed it all up...
so that Daddy wouldn't
find out Otto's a Red.
In the beginning,
I didn't like Mr. MacNamara...
but he's been just marvy.
That's enough
out of you, Countess.
Did I say something wrong?
Buzz off, will you?
You said there was no story...
and it's getting
better and better.
How much do you want
to forget the whole thing?
You think you can buy
a German newspaperman?
I never tried before.
Maybe in America your
journalists are for sale...
but here in Germany...
The adoption papers.
All signed and notarized.
Herr Oberleutnant.
You two know each other?
He was my commanding officer.
In the subway?
No, after that,
when I was drafted.
Aha! Gestapo.
No, no. S.S.
Halten Sie doch den Mund, Idiot.
Well, Herr Oberleutnant...
is there anything else
I can do for you?
No, thank you.
I have all the facts.
Union between two...
prominent families...
The Hazeltines and
the Von Droste-Schattenburgs.
The social event of the year.
It will be
in the afternoon paper.
It had better be.
- Auf Wiedersehen.
- Sieg heil.
As for you, Schlemmer...
you're back
in the S.S... smaller salary.
Sir, let me explain.
I was only a pastry cook
in the officers' mess.
Ingeborg, I want to speak
to the maitre d' at the Hilton.
I was a very bad pastry cook.
11:00. Where are the hats?
Where are the flowers?
We're running behind schedule.
Yes, sir.
Manfred, I'd like to arrange
an intimate little banquet...
The Count and Countess
Von Droste-Schattenburg...
honoring his in-laws,
the Wendell P. Hazeltines.
Have you got a polka-dot dress?
Look, Frulein, haben Sie
eine tattoo on your, um...
Any broads working
in this office?
No, sir. Just me.
- Oh.
- Look, Sarge, polka dots.
It fits the description.
Hey, whose dress is that?
I don't know.
I never saw it before.
We'd better check it out.
Corporal, I'm relieving
myself of duty.
Better take me back
to the base...
and turn me in
for psychiatric observation.
What's the matter, Sarge?
She's in there, all right.
I saw her...
Naked as a jaybird.
Has she got the tattoo
on her chest?
So what's wrong, Sarge?
Fellas, you won't
believe this...
but one of them is yellow.
One of them is green.
Take me away!
Now, for the entree...
we'll have venison
and hominy grits.
How do I know
where you get hominy grits?
Try the Army PX.
For dessert, peaches flambe
a la Hazeltine.
WINE: King-size Coca-Cola
in individual ice buckets.
The Von Droste-Schattenburg...
coat of arms
with crossed flags...
German and Confederate.
MUSIC: "Dixie," "Swanee River,"
"Waiting for the Robert E. Lee,"
but not, I repeat not,
"Marching Through Georgia."
You really want to make me
the boss of the bottling plant?
It's a must
so your father-in-law...
won't think you're
just a titled beatnik...
sponging off your wife.
I'm going to like this job.
It's about time you
started to cooperate.
You know what the first thing
is I'm going to do?
I'm going to lead the workers
down there in revolt!
Put you pants on, Spartacus.
Ingeborg, call the airport...
and find out if the 12:00
plane from London is on time.
Yes, Mr. MacNamara.
Soft drink slaves
of the world arise!
Smash those bottles...
pour that syrup
down the sewers...
- Remember me?
- Commissar Peripetchikoff.
Well is the one thing I am not.
You are a Russian commissar?
For the last time,
you have made fool of me!
He fooled me, too.
Listen, Commissar...
you must help me and my wife
get into the Soviet Zone.
There may be a little problem.
Yeah, everybody's
coming this way.
Fifteen hundred people a day.
You want to fight
all that traffic?
I'm a party member,
paid up till December.
They need me there.
I'm a missile scientist.
Ah, that is one field
where we're ahead of America.
In Cape Canaveral,
if missile goes wrong...
they press
special button and pow!
It blows up...
but in Russia,
we have two buttons.
Two buttons!
One to blow up missile,
one to blow up scientist.
What kind of
a commissar are you?
An ex-commissar.
You've defected?
Is old Russian proverb...
Go west, young man.
What happened to your pals
Mishkin and Borodenko?
In ambulance on the way
from Brandenburg Gate...
I snitched Borodenko's
Secret Police badge...
and had them both arrested.
You betrayed your own comrades?
If I don't do it to them,
they do it to me.
Is old Russian proverb.
You're worse than he is.
Look, my young friend.
I don't want
to be name-dropper...
but what do you think
Khrushchev did to Malenkov?
What do you think
Stalin did to Trotsky?
Is everybody
in this world corrupt?
I don't know everybody.
Maybe we should liquidate
the whole human race...
and start all over again.
Look at it this way, kid.
Any world that can
produce the Taj Mahal...
William Shakespeare,
and striped toothpaste...
can't be all bad.
The trousers,
you can try them on.
Take him with you.
From now on, I fight alone.
It's Piffl against
everybody and everything!
See what I'm up against?
He can't even
remember his own name.
To get back to me...
What do you want... money?
Certainly not.
I will be rich man now.
You remember those
twenty carloads of Swiss cheese?
What about them?
I have tremendous scheme.
I will trade them for
twenty carloads of sauerkraut...
then I will silver-plate
the sauerkraut...
and sell it
in the United States...
for Christmas tree decorations.
You're a cinch.
But for this, I need
bilingual secretary...
and you promised me blond lady.
You came at the right time...
because I'm moving
to London anyway.
The only thing is...
I don't know how to
break the news to her.
It's not going to be easy.
She's crazy about me.
Yes, Mr. MacNamara.
A classified ad
to run in all papers.
International businessman...
Overweight but cute...
Needs executive secretary.
Fringe benefits include
extensive travel...
large wardrobe allowance...
liberal retirement plan...
I take the job.
You've got it.
Good-bye. Good luck.
And what about that
call to Templehof?
Oh, the plane will be
ten minutes early.
10 minutes early?
That's a hell of a way
to run an airline.
Planes are supposed
to be late, not early.
Oh, I never
want to see him again.
I never want to speak to him.
I want a divorce.
What's the matter now?
He doesn't want the baby.
He says nobody
should bring children...
into a world like this.
That miserable punk.
Why didn't he think
of that before?
After all I've gone through.
Where is he?
I'm sorry, darling.
I didn't mean it.
Of course we're going
to have the baby.
I love you.
Don't ever scare me
like that again.
Maybe our children can make this
a better place to live in...
a world where men
are created equal...
and there's liberty
and... and justice for all.
You just quoted
Thomas Jefferson...
Abraham Lincoln...
and the Pledge of
Allegiance to the Flag.
I what?
Come on. Let's get going.
I take it into the other
room and fix it.
We haven't got time.
Come with us.
Sitzen machen.
Here. This is
for your mother-in-law.
Oh, in front.
You, paint from the inside.
Quick, to the airport.
Eins, zwei, drei.
All right!
Watch that umbrella.
No, I don't like it.
Here. You need some stuff
for your pockets.
Money, cigarette case...
lighter, picture of the castle.
Try this one, darling.
You'd better take
my wristwatch, too.
Oh, that's my wrist.
You know, darling,
I don't think...
you were meant to wear a hat.
I wasn't meant
to be a count, either.
This is ridiculous.
Who's going to believe it?
Calm down.
The only royalty
we know in America...
is Nat King Cole,
Duke Snyder, and Earl Wilson.
- Ouch!
- Oh, pardon.
Please, Liebchen, not that.
Anything but that.
All right. Let's see
if we have a black bowler.
Bowler, bowler.
Here's a list
of what you owe me.
- Owe you?
- All itemized.
Twenty thousand marks.
Forty-five hundred marks.
Suits, haberdashery, shoes,
12,800 marks.
Luggage, flowers,
7-COURSE DINNER: 925 marks.
Fourteen marks.
TIPS: Six marks.
I'm a very large tipper.
Wristwatch, cigarette case,
LIGHTER WITH FLUID: 2,200 marks.
LOOSE CHANGE: 475 marks.
TOTAL: 41,020 marks, or $10,255.
You mean I have been
a capitalist for three hours...
and already I owe $10,000?
That's what makes
our system work.
Everybody owes everybody.
That's the one!
Doesn't it look distinguished?
Not bad.
11:46. Faster, Fritz!
Now, before you meet Daddy,
I'd better warn you...
There are certain things
he feels very strongly about.
One is the Civil War.
Civil War?
If the subject comes up,
just say it was a draw.
Another is Coca-Cola.
Tell him we must
look beyond the six-pack.
Why not a nine-pack
or a twelve-pack?
Then there's golf.
GOLF: The family that plays
together stays together.
And the world situation...
It's serious, but not hopeless.
And vivisection.
It shouldn't happen to a dog.
And Red China
and income taxes...
and Tennessee Williams.
Wait! Stop the car.
It's no use.
I can't remember all that.
Darling, you can't give up now.
Maybe we'll get lucky.
Maybe somebody
hijacked the plane.
Now, honey, you let me
handle this young man.
It'll take me just
thirty seconds to find out...
if he's one of those
fortune hunters...
or some kind of a crackpot.
Oh, dear. I hope not.
You don't know these Europeans.
My poor honey child.
Where are they anyway?
Tear them again,
and I'll tear you apart.
Oh, let me look at you.
Dad. Oh.
All right. Now, where is he?
Over here.
I want you to meet
my husband Otto.
The Count
Von Droste-Schattenburg.
Count Von what?
This is my mother.
Your highness.
Please, not in
the immediate family.
Oh, one of those... a hand-kisser.
And this is my father.
Hello, Dad.
How's your golf?
I always say, the family
that plays together...
Never mind that.
There are a few questions
I want to ask you.
Don't worry. If it's a boy,
we'll name him after you.
Wendell P.
Von Droste-Schattenburg.
Von Droste what?
We have to be very careful...
when we change
the baby's diapers.
Otto comes from
a long line of bleeders.
Oh, isn't that nice?
I always wanted
Scarlett to be married...
to a long line of something.
Now, MacNamara, tell me
about this young man.
Who is he,
and what does he do...
besides slobber
over women's hands?
Don't let that title fool you.
He works for a living.
Doing what?
As a matter of fact,
he's head of our bottling plant.
He works for us?
Best man I ever had.
Graduate engineer.
Took a lot of finagling...
to get him away
from our competitors.
You don't say.
Now, this is a picture
of the family castle.
And this is my
party membership... oops.
Wrong party.
And here's the family crest.
Oh! Well,
you'll have to put that...
on all your stationery
and your silverware...
and your underwear...
Well, son, glad
to have you on the team.
I suppose you two met
in the bottling plant.
Oh, no. We met in a parade.
He was carrying
a picture of Khrushchev.
Yes, with a big slogan
on it... "Russki go home!"
They threw him in jail for it.
My poor boy.
How is the situation
here in Berlin?
It shouldn't happen to a dog.
I mean it's a draw.
Actually, the situation
is hopeless but not serious.
Hopeless but not...
Say, the boy's got a head
on his shoulders.
What did I tell you?
May I have those? Fritz...
Next. Schlemmer!
Take these to passport control.
One, two, three.
Yes, sir.
Next! Mom, Dad...
I'm giving a little
banquet tonight...
Un petit dner en famille.
Oh, he speaks French, too.
- And Russian.
- Russian?
White Russian, of course.
Now, Dad, there
are a few ideas...
I'd like to kick
around with you.
Now, we must look
beyond the six-pack.
Why not a nine-pack
or a twelve-pack?
Pan American Flight 17
to New York...
via Frankfurt
now boarding at Gate Five.
Mac! You came through 100%.
I did what I could.
Now I'm sure I found
the right man...
for the London job.
Thanks, Mr. Hazeltine.
It's just what we need...
Somebody who's
a good organizer...
has a lot of drive,
knows the business...
speaks several languages.
Well, I studied
every chance I had.
Yes, sir.
Absolutely the ideal man
for this position.
And I'm not just saying that
because he's my son-in-law.
How's that?
It's not going to
hurt our prestige any.
Head of European operations...
Count Otto
Von Droste-Schattenburg.
Oh, that's how it is.
As for you, Mac, you
haven't been forgotten.
You're going all the way
to the top now.
There's an opening
in the home office...
vice president in charge
of procurement...
and it is all yours.
Why are you so good to me?
I know you must be dying
to get back to Atlanta.
Dying is right.
Here you are, Count.
I won't be needing this anymore.
Thank you, old chap.
Bye, Countess.
Mr. MacNamara,
I simply adore you.
Will you write to us?
Better than that.
I'll send you some
silver-plated sauerkraut...
for Christmas.
Mom, can we have a Coke?
You can have one on the plane.
I don't have any change.
- I've got change.
- Mac!
Very nice of you to come
down here to see me off.
Where are you going?
Back to the States.
Funny, that's where we're going.
I thought I'd take
Flight 17 to New York.
From there I can hop
a freedom bus to Atlanta.
- Atlanta?
- Yeah.
I'm the new vice president
in charge of bottle caps.
They're kicking me upstairs.
That's something I've
always wanted to do myself.
So anytime you and the kids
would care to join me...
I'll be waiting for you.
Just a minute. Conference.
Two out of three. Deal is on.
Two out of three?
All right.
Who's the wise guy?