Onemanshow: The Movie (2023) Movie Script

You didn't expect to ever
see me in the cinema, did you?
Films tell us incredible stories.
Stories full of crazy twists and turns
and adventure.
But in one thing, they're all the same.
Somewhere deep down, you simply know
that they were written
by a screenwriter sitting on a sofa.
I guess that's why I'm not a filmmaker.
I've always sort of preferred
that ordinary boring thing called...
Because all those films
end once the credits are over.
But when you get out of here today,
everything will be at the very beginning.
They haven't locked us up yet.
Enjoy our first
feature film.
Everything is allowed in here.
In films, you can get away with
dealing drugs and chasing cops.
You can even execute people
and nobody cares.
Everything's fine.
They were just extras.
Fuck, can I be dubbed by someone else?
This is terrible.
Excuse me.
you look good.
this is much better.
This is a party
I attended a few years ago.
And it changed my life
for many years to come.
Have you ever thought about
what you would do
if you woke up one morning
and found yourselves in a movie?
And if you could take something
from it back to reality?
I'd probably rob a bank
or something like that.
We need at least two million crowns
to get this thing going.
Are you fucking kidding me?
You're both nuts!
You think being able to crash
a stupid cooking show
will help you get inside a casino?
But we'll do it differently, Ivo.
We'll make them play
according to our rules.
Yeah, you'll have your own rules.
But in prison, mate.
Listen, you're probably right.
Maybe we've had too much...
Yeah, unnecessarily high expectations.
I guess it's all bullshit.
I just wonder, you smartarses,
which casino it was supposed to be.
You want to fix a fucking football match?!
Am I wearing pointy pink loafers?
Or a Borussia Dortmund hat?
- No, you're not.
- I'm not! I'm dressed normally.
Are you looking at my chain?
No, just at how your neck
got so thin on that diet.
It's two rings shorter already.
And my target is four, mate.
But the point is that
this is a tasteful chain.
Do you understand? I don't want to have
anything to do with those football pricks.
You wanted two mill?
- That'd be great.
- You get half a mill.
Here you are.
Watermelon smoothie
gives me the shits anyway.
Your girl id a model, right?
Not many people know it, but
it's not just a betting agency anymore.
They have an online roulette,
online black jack... Is that right, Steve?
Yeah, they're the biggest
online casino in Czechia.
- Is that Vendy?
- Hmm.
- That's her car?
- She gives me lifts since
I lost my papers.
And now it's going to be tailor-made.
Yeah. We just need money for the campaign.
- Let them eat the bait.
- You said you liked roulette and stuff,
didn't you?
Does she know we'll need her car?
- No.
- You're nuts, but this is pretty good.
- I want twenty percent.
- Ten.
Plus the watermelon.
I got you a watermelon.
How kind of you.
It's kind of you to give me lifts.
You're the prettiest driver I have.
I'm your only driver!
Let's go.
Get the crew ready. I'll call you.
You're such a sweetheart.
- You know how much I love stuffed animals.
- I do.
- Honey?
- Yeah?
Would you mind being
without your car for a while?
We need to film something.
- Okay.
- Yeah?
We're ready.
Alright, let's do it!
Camera! Sound!
"I Buried a Car," take one.
And action!
Hello. I want to tell you something
that nobody knows about.
A few months ago,
I lost my driving licence.
I'm sure a lot of you know this car.
It's my Range Rover Evoque.
It's been part of my life
for some time and I really like it.
But I don't want it to be idle.
So I thought of something.
Thanks to all those of you who follow me,
I was able to buy it some years ago.
So now I'm gonna give it to one of you.
I put this car in a shipping container.
And buried it a month ago
somewhere in the Czech Republic.
Including the keys and the MOcertificate. If you find it, it's yours.
Just send me a single SMS
with your email to this number.
That's your ticket to enter the game.
You have a fortnight.
Then the registration process ends.
And there's one more thing
you might be interested in.
Besides the keys and the MOT,
there's also one million crowns
in the boot of the car.
Game on.
Stop! Good! We'll take it.
Alright, gang,
it's got to be within driving distance,
but away from civilization.
No utility lines or groundwater.
Alpha Team will take this area,
Beta Team the other one.
I want each of you to have
your eyes wide open. Is that clear?
- I'm Alpha Team.
- You're not.
Steve is Alpha and he'll head west.
Ha and I will head north.
Finding a suitable place for
burying a shipping container undetected
is certainly not an easy task.
We'd covered hundreds of miles
before we found
this abandoned lot by the woods.
It has everything that we need.
There's only one small drawback, though.
The owner and his wife live right here.
He's in his seventies
and his name is Lajner.
Damn it. A curious old man.
He mustn't know anything about it.
- What shall we do?
- Let's kill him.
And bury him next to the container.
Are you serious, mate?
So what do you want to do?
It's gonna be a huge crater.
We need a lot of people, heavy machinery.
Only the lights will be like
on a film set.
- A film set you say?
- That's what I said.
Our lawyers prepared
a cunning lease agreement.
We rented the site to shoot
a historical war film.
There's a scene for which
it's necessary to dig
a small trench the soldiers
are going to shoot from.
And I'll be the director.
Let's go.
Hello, my name's Gring, nice to meet you.
- Gring, good evening.
- Lajner.
The keys are...
Alright listen,
- we have all the contract details in here.
- Yeah.
It's a short,15-minute movie.
We need to dig that trench.
And how big is the hole gonna be?
That hole's gonna be approximately
three metres by six
and maybe two and a half metres deep.
- Two and a half?
- Two, two and a half, we'll see.
Why so deep?
We're putting in a capsule, this kind of...
- Bunker, huh?
- Yeah.
Which will be removed later.
It'll be taken out, then buried.
We're shooting it on the last day.
- Listen, is that really your hair?
- Yeah.
- What's wrong with it?
- May I?
It's a bit long right now, yeah...
- Well, that's the way we artists are.
- Nothing wrong with that.
"Listen, is that really your hair?"
Shit, I was so scared, mate!
- The way you held onto it!
- "Go ahead, feel it."
Go, buddy, go.
Ha went to the other meetings
without me just to be on the safe side.
Well, it is kind of weird...
- They're smart.
- He wears a wig, doesn't he?
I've known him for five years,
but I'm not sure.
They're artists, they're different.
- A bit balmy.
- Yes, that's it.
Zdenk Troka is kind of nuts as well,
but look at the movies he makes.
All the things we have to do
so that he doesn't find out
what we're actually doing...
Here's our arsenal. Is it loaded?
Look at the machine guns.
They're all Rio. Rio from Germany.
And to make all this seem plausible,
we also had some first-class actors hired.
They were willing to help
a young promising student
with his graduation film.
It's quite simply a student film.
It takes place during the war,
we're shooting on different places...
Don't go into too much detail,
don't let them expose us.
So the acclaimed actors
really arrived here today.
They don't have a clue as to
what's actually going on.
- If you need something, let me know.
- Yeah.
There's some catering here.
Take whatever you want.
- Excellent.
- And these are our makeup artists.
Do you find this crazy enough?
Well, in a short while
they'll be wearing Nazi uniforms.
You see? I told you.
It is certainly possible
that curious Mr. Lajner
might want to come and have a look.
And to make sure he doesn't
catch us unaware,
he was cast as well.
GARDENER OF THE YEAR 3-TIME FINALISIt is set in the middle of a battlefield
when the war is almost over.
Hitler is here and he's just
got word that...
- It's all wrong.
- Exactly.
The marshal who was supposed
come to their rescue isn't coming,
and Hitler suddenly realizes
he's just lost the war.
- I understand.
- Yeah?
Great, thank you very much.
We'll keep shooting until
he starts feeling tired.
And then we send him home
saying that it was the last take
and that he can go to sleep.
That'll be our moment.
Let's do it! Mr. Lajner in position!
One A, take one.
- Sound!
- We're rolling, quiet!
And action!
Everything's gone completely to shit!
And action!
Everything's gone completely to shit!
- And action!
- Everything's gone completely to shit!
Fuck! Come on...
This is the last bit
and then the A-list is done.
Everything's gone completely to shit!
You're out of line now, mate.
- You're staying, you're staying...
- Still, huh?
That's right.
You get hit, you run, you fall
and you're dead.
- Camera!
- We're rolling.
And action!
You should fall a bit faster, Mr. Lajner.
No good. One more time! Action!
Again. Action!
Mr. Lajner, roll over! Stop! Stop!
It can be better still, fall over. Action!
It's not perfect yet, you can do better!
I'll get it out of you, Mr. Lajner,
you'll be a great Nazi!
One more time. Action!
Stop! Stop!
Great. Okay, thanks a lot!
Hitler's lying...
Thank you. La can go home now.
Thank you!
Thank you, thank you very much.
- You're welcome.
- It was great, thank you.
It's taking a lot of time,
but otherwise it's great.
It is long, I know.
We'll be here till morning.
- I left that there...
- Okay, thank you.
Now we can finally
start doing what we're here for.
So while Grandpa's sleeping nearby,
we've just dug this mass grave.
If he comes back,
I don't know what we'll do.
This isn't three by six, mate.
We had to make it bigger,
the bunker's really huge.
We'll just say it fell through.
Come on, boys.
We're a bit behind schedule.
Let's fucking bury it!
Dawn's almost breaking.
Oh, Mr. Kazma himself.
- What's that?
- Money.
- Not enough.
- Listen...
I don't give a shit
if it flew out of the taxi
or if you gave it to
that fucking foundation of yours.
- There's one million in it.
- So there're nine missing.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Lest you forget.
Default interest.
You've just bought a bit of time.
So it's still ten.
I'll give you a secret recipe
for big fish bait.
It should look trustworthy.
You need a website,
some commercial entities
and strong media partners.
Is it really buried somewhere or is it
yet another trick of yours?
Add a national campaign to the mix
so that all the fish
in the area know about it.
Check out his Instagram,
because he's just buried the car.
Kazma's changed our plans,
we're going to look for his car.
I took two weeks off at work.
You're crazy.
There's a Range Rover
buried somewhere in this country.
- Where's the car?
- One million!
Burying a car is...
The fact that he buried his car
with one million in the boot
is well-known all over the country.
And when tongues start
wagging in the pond,
it always attracts even bigger fish.
Now I'm getting really interested.
You're listening to Europe 2.
As you probably know,
Kazma's buried his Range Rover.
Wrap the whole thing up
in legally-processed conditions
and you have a tailor-made game that
you can place bets on.
- What?
- Here we go!
- Is it on offer?
- It is on offer!
It is on offer!
- Who said that?!
- You said it!
- Who said that?!
- You said it!
An old magic trick
that makes others believe
that the card they chose
was their own choice.
Okay. What have we got here?
"The region where the car will be found."
Great. We need that.
We know where it is. So let's bet
on Central Bohemia and that's it.
you can even bet on who's gonna find it.
- Who's there?
- Leo Mare, epka, Rittig...
Mate! They've got a good sense of humour.
Who's the biggest outsider?
Lubor Ddi.
Who the hell is Lubor Ddi?
A celebrity in the world of bookies.
He's been around for decades
taking millions from Czech bookies.
His picture is on the wall
of every fucking betting shop.
Something like
Lance Armstrong of Czech betting.
No one has ever caught him.
So he probably still has both balls.
So let's recap, shall we?
You've fooled the whole
country with some retarded game
in which you can win a stupid fucking car!
Zillions of people got involved
and now you're gonna
let some arsehole win.
In doing so, you'll rob
the biggest betting agency of a few mill.
And they're not gonna
lock you up, am I right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
And now you need the same nutters
like the pair of you.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Anyone springs to mind?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Okay. Who's gonna get us in?
The best lockpicker I know.
Mate, he looks like someone
who can barely pick a bike lock
with a fucking steel pipe!
Is he a gypsy?
- He's a white gypsy.
- What?
You're very punctual. Busy, are you?
You know I work only
first Wednesdays of the month.
- We've got a small job for you.
- A small job?
He's trying to be a gypsy, you know?
We need one person of colour
in the film anyway.
Okay. So the next one is...
Hello, Ruslan.
Still pretending your place is packed?
Kazmitch! Good to see you, buddy.
Come and see me when you're done here.
- Well, shall we go?
- What's up?
- Have these girls even got an ID?
- Since when do you care about their age?
I thought you were happy. With Vendy.
- Do you check their IDs or not?
- And what about IT?
I know of only one ace that can do it.
Hello. Can we come in?
Listen, if you need anything,
I'll give you a hand.
Take it easy, Linuks. Sit down.
- And shut up.
- I've already forgiven you
for crashing our server when we were
about to launch the new merch.
- I didn't mean to hurt you.
- I'm not here to beat you up.
- But it cost me a fortune back then.
- I'll pay you back.
Would you like something to drink?
I'd like some cocoa, please.
I've got certain plans.
And we need someone who could...
...make us some cocoa.
I've got a pretty interesting venture
for you, but it's a bit risky.
If you think
you're gonna win a Range Rover,
finish your ciggie
and get back on the train.
But if you think
life's too predictable and boring,
follow me.
Gentlemen, this is the biggest
online casino in Czechia.
So that's what it's all about.
An online Monte Carlo slap bang
in the middle of our fucking republic.
I'm sure a lot of you
have lost some money there already.
So I suppose no one will mind
if we get a few pennies back.
I want to take ten mill from them.
Plus a fair share for each of you.
Most of the work is already done.
We're going to bet the SMS money
on the location where the car
will be found and thus earn a multiple.
Yeah, it sounds easy.
But we have to be smart
and always stay a few steps ahead of them.
- Frank's our ace up our sleeve.
- Hello.
They have security systems
that keep an eye on
suspicious moves and big bets.
And there's also a limit.
So betting a huge amount on one location
without anyone noticing
is virtually impossible.
We need to set up several accounts.
And they all have to be verified.
- So?
- So we're gonna need IDs.
I've lost weight, you see?
We need
a lot of IDs.
Give it here.
An old saying goes that collective crimes
are nobody's responsibility.
We need at least 400 accounts
for the amount we want to win,
all of them verified via e-mail
and mobile phone numbers.
It's gonna look completely real
and trustworthy.
But when a lot of people bet
on one horse only,
the bookies immediately see
a shining Christmas tree.
That's why we have to
drown some of the money
and bet on locations that won't win.
But the rest will go to our site
in smaller amounts.
So small that those warning lights
of theirs won't even start flashing.
Both online via VPN
and physically at the counters.
One person a thousand in A,
another five hundred in Ostrava.
We've got a team of people
divided into different groups.
Dark-haired, fair-haired, skinny, fat,
men, women.
And like this, quietly and unobtrusively,
we're going to bet
the whole sum on the right card
within the next fortnight.
The one that's up our sleeve.
Amongst tens of thousands of bettors,
a few hundred of our bets
can never be traced back.
They won't find out who was who,
they won't be able to prove anything.
- And a crime that can't be proven...
- Simply doesn't exist.
And how come you know so much about it?
I forgot to tell you
about Frank's new job.
We had him find a job there six months ago
to keep an eye on the bookies for us.
- Hello. I'm here for the interview.
- Great, welcome to Fortuna.
Like I said, most of the work is done.
- No one suspects anything.
- Tell them about the server room.
Alright, it's an online archive
of their entire empire.
All the bets, odds
and other data are stored in it.
They keep them there for several decades,
as the law demands.
So if we want to see the spread
of the bets on individual locations,
we need to tap in. Linuks?
- No problem.
- Well, there's one, actually.
It is an external company
that provides them with the servers.
I can find out where it is,
but I can't get in there with my card.
Laco will help us with that.
As soon as he removes
the metal paperweight from his trousers.
Put it back, for fuck's sake!
I'm sorry.
Just practising.
Alright, any questions?
Nobody? Let's do it.
Can't you put some decent music on?
It's action time, damn it!
Well, that's better.
The coast is clear. And action!
- Stop, wait!
- What is it?
- That's what I say, mate.
- Well, you do always say that, but...
Yeah, that's what I say.
I always start the action.
Okay. You're the boss,
I'm just the manager.
- I'm the boss, you're the manager.
- Okay, so say it.
The coast is clear. And action!
What a prick.
What the fuck is Linuks carrying?
We said no guns!
I only took a knife, mate!
Shut up, Laco.
- Shit!
- Shit!
What's going on, you fucking turds?!
- Shit!
- What're you doing out there, boys?
I can see you. I'll call the police.
Fuck! You got another one in there, mate?
No, I haven't.
- We are...
- What?
- Chimney sweepers.
- Oh, I see.
Okay. Come on, Maxie.
Chimney sweepers are the best excuse ever.
But I really don't know why.
Me neither.
The anchor didn't take hold.
What anchor, you idiots?!
There's a fire escape, mate!
Keep climbing!
Oh, shit, I think I'm claustrophobic.
Shut up and move on.
You're doing fine. Keep going.
It should be the first door on the left.
According to this map,
we should be right here.
Do you have to smoke even in this duct
for fuck's sake?
I'm fucking nervous! Come on, mate!
- Security.
- There's a security guard.
There's a security guard, be careful.
Fuck! When were you born?
What're you talking about?!
Open it before someone comes in.
- Relax! Don't stress me out!
- Come on!
I've never seen this before.
Oh, shit.
Come on.
He really broke it
with a fucking steel pipe!
Mate! You really broke it
with a fucking steel pipe!
We could have done this remotely,
couldn't we?
Nobody's gonna buy that, mate.
But this is the latest version.
- Cool.
- It's done.
- Director, isn't that a bit too much?
- I like it. Let's move on.
Okay, an action scene.
Alright, I've never been in a film before.
I'm not judging.
Let's move on, then.
This is like MacGyver, mate.
Go in there. I'm going to weld it back on.
- So?
- It's good.
- Are we ready?
- In a minute.
Where have you been?
Sorry, I was really busy.
- I was waiting for you with dinner.
- I'll make it up to you.
I'm cooking tomorrow, okay?
Wait. Since I'm dressed like a copper,
can we do it right now?
Okay, well...
Here you are.
- You're cheating.
- Just a bit.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Sorry to interrupt your meal,
but can we take a picture with you?
Alright, girls.
- Good?
- Thank you.
And that car thing, it's really great!
We've sent an SMS as well
and now we're waiting for the clue.
Yeah? Thank you. Good luck.
- Thank you.
- Bye.
I'm sorry.
You should have told me
that you wanted to bury the car.
Everybody asks me about it.
Everybody wants to know where it is.
- Baby...
- But I don't know anything
about it at all.
It's a bit out of control right now.
But it's just a game.
Listen, somebody's gonna dig it up
in a few days and it'll all be over.
Everything will calm down, believe me.
I'm glad to hear that.
You might even start sleeping
at home again.
I told you I'd have to go and check
the car at nights.
They're after us, you see?
I know.
- You're James Bond.
- Hmm.
Excuse me. A small gift for the lady.
- Thank you.
- With pleasure.
You really didn't have to.
Well, I thought that
once in a while...
Thank you for being so thoughtful.
The truth is that
you know how to surprise me.
I'm gonna use the bathroom, okay?
I told you I'd get the money,
for fuck's sake!
If you go anywhere near her again...
Do you really think
I'm going to wait forever?
Look at this.
Hey, mate.
You start on the first field
using the knight's moves.
In cycles, to the right and then down.
Over and over again.
And that's the whole trick.
- I can't fucking do that, mate!
- Ruslan!
That's too hard!
- So, are we all set?
- Yes, boss.
All our bettors are
in the field and in position.
We have online access to
the betting spread. Everything's running.
- Frank?
- We're all clear.
- They don't know anything.
- We're waiting for you command.
Okay. Alright.
We're on in three, two,
Let's send it in there!
Here we go.
Hundreds of our punters all over
the country are taking to the field.
One person one thousand in A,
another one five hundred in Ostrava.
Different sums in small amounts
on a daily basis
while hundreds of thousands of people
are eagerly waiting for the clue
before hitting the streets.
Last 48 hours and there we go!
I'm waiting for the clue
and then I'm on it.
Once you start looking for the car,
you must be as horny and hard
as Robin Hood's dick
when he sees Maid Marian naked!
I want to find Kazma's car!
We have to dig it up!
- We want that car!
- Well, let's get started!
Nothing can stop us now.
With the exception of a...
...apocalypse or something of that sort.
No, no, no, not now!
Not now! Oh, my God!
Oh, shit.
The government restraints
the free movement of people...
We have 368 deaths a day!
It is necessary to reduce
interpersonal contact to a minimum.
Spreading coronavirus
is a criminal offence.
And that was the moment
when the whole world stopped.
Okay. No one is allowed to go outside
and all the districts are closed off.
And what does that mean for us?
Well, for you nothing, actually.
Nothing new, mate, you take it easy.
The container is underground,
the bets have been partly placed,
there's a global pandemic out there
and in 48 hours hundreds
of thousands of people are supposed
to start looking for that fucking car!
- Steve.
- But I knew it! Didn't I tell you?
- Fuck, I told you!
- Steve, relax! Take it easy, mate.
Close your eyes.
Take a deep breath.
Think of a nice place
that you really like.
Sunshine, a tiny little stream...
Raspberries with whipped cream.
What can you smell?
- Pigi tea.
- What Pigi tea, mate?!
I don't give a shit, but we're really
asking for serious trouble now.
We shouldn't even be here in such numbers.
- How much have we got at stake?
- About 30 percent.
- What do you want to do?
- I don't know.
We have to blow the whistle.
Think a little! We can't do that now!
I can't go to prison,
my mom would kill me.
You get free food there, accommodation...
Who gives a fuck?
If we don't do anything stupid,
we should alright.
Look at me and listen to me for once.
This is getting fucking serious!
That's complete bullshit,
they're just playing you!
This is unnecessarily escalated.
There's nothing wrong with the nick.
What for, mate?
We're all gonna die in here, you see!
We're gonna die!
We've come a long way
and it's cost us all quite a lot.
Let's take a vote.
It is said that life is
what happens to you
when you have other plans.
We were up to our ears in it.
Far beyond the point of no return.
And we all knew it.
But we also knew we had to do something.
Because doing nothing
is always the worst choice.
I'll make the final decision.
Get some sleep
and I'll let you know tomorrow.
Hello. We've been working
for several long months
to set up a game
unparalleled in our country.
It was due to start
on the 12th of October.
But just before launching it,
a state of emergency had been declared.
No more than six people can get
together at one place at the moment.
But this game takes place out there.
In actual reality.
And it involves thousands
of people from all over the country.
So it wouldn't be wise
to organize this kind of hunt right now.
So we've decided to postpone it
until the situation is stable again.
Stop! We're done.
We have to dig the car out, mate.
- Are you fucking nuts?
- Just look at it.
This state of emergency can last
for years.
It's not set up for that, you see?
And winter's coming, for fuck's sake.
It's gonna rot in there
with all that money.
How are you gonna do that?
- Is anyone there?
- Yes. Hello, Mr. Lajner.
- It's me, Gring.
- What do you need, boys?
I just wanted to tell you that we'll be
filming here again tonight.
I wanted to ask
if you wanted to appear in it again.
- Is this the final one?
- Yes, we'll be wrapping it up.
- Fine.
- Yeah? Great!
Good, so let's get started.
Ready, Mr. Lajner?
Now you'll have your eyes covered
for a while. Say an hour and a half.
And put your hands behind your back,
because you're tied up.
- Camera!
- Camera rolling.
29 B, take one.
And action!
You fucking traitor,
tell me where you hid the treasure!
You fucking swine!
Son of a whore!
In the name of the Fhrer...
Oh, shit.
It has caved in some fifteen inches!
So where is it?
You bastard!
One more time.
We'll practice this
until we have it perfect, okay?
And action!
You swine!
Let's try it one more time,
it has to be perfect.
- Camera rolling!
- 29 B, take four.
And action!
You swine!
In the name of the Fhrer.
We'll take it down as fast as we can,
pack it up and drive off.
Then we'll have to fill in this hole.
And we'll see what state the car's in.
I hope it's not completely fucked-up.
Get ready, boys, as soon as
it settles we'll have to finish up.
The road's blocked now.
If someone came this way,
the boys on both sides
of the road would send them packing.
Let's go!
- Down, down, down!
- Go, go, go!
This has to be really tight
or the wind will get under it on the road.
That's probably fine now.
That was excellent, Mr. Lajner.
The German roles really suit you.
Once it's released, you'll be a star.
It's here.
Oh, oh, oh!
It is here.
And it looks as if
it's totally fine.
Like new.
What a relief.
It's so fresh in here.
I can't even smell
that it was underground for two months.
It's in there.
No one's stolen it.
We'll fix the container,
strengthen it with a steel structure,
insulate it all
so that it can stay underground
for six months at least. Just in case
that Covid doesn't end by then.
So we started working,
and the car that half the country
had been looking for
was carefully hid somewhere
where no one would ever look for it.
"The darkest place is under
the candlestick," as the saying goes.
And in the meantime, while people were
taking pictures with the car
in the shopping centre,
I flew off to Costa Rica for a few days
to think what to do next.
I owed it to myself,
but mainly to her.
Because of how she copes with everything,
because of what she's like,
and because of what I'm like
when I'm with her.
I waited my whole life for her.
And now I'm catching up with everything
I didn't manage to do.
And with everything I owe her.
As soon as I've finished this.
- What's that you've got?
- Mathesso. Shall we play?
It's a bit like Concentration,
but smarter.
With numbers and colours.
I don't like numbers.
It teaches small children multiplication
without them being aware of it.
I see.
So everything's shifted.
The even coordinates by two
and the odd ones by one.
And the total number of points is 21.
That's the number of our universe.
- So shall we try it?
- What?
Oh, sorry.
Something's just occurred to me.
Gring speaking. Hello, Mr. Lajner.
How are you?
Lajner speaking.
Can I just ask you when it'll be on TV?
Yes, we're working on it.
It's being edited right now.
You were an excellent Nazi soldier!
You're really nuts.
- We'll let you know as soon as it's ready.
- Okay.
- Thanks, bye.
- Goodbye.
So, two weeks of holiday
stretched out to three months, eh?
Who would have thought that
this fucking Covid would last so long.
You know what it looked like?
As if you'd collected the SMS money
to go surfing
on the other side of the world.
Take it off, I can't
bloody understand a word you're saying.
Hey, brother, it's good to see you!
- So, anything new?
- Yeah, I'd say so.
I've spoken to Frank.
Everything's at a standstill,
there's nothing to bet on.
But as soon as you get going,
they're planning to do more bets.
- What'll they offer bets for?
- For the specific town it's in.
And there'll be much higher odds for that.
So this time, we'll turn it around a bit.
We'll announce it, wait a bit to see
what towns they offer,
and then we'll have a few days
to bury it in one of them.
Hello. So we're through the worst of it
and the buried Range Rover game
can finally...
That car has been underground
for over six months now.
And I can assure you
that no one's found it yet.
But that'll change soon.
We've just officially started the
countdown until the start of the game.
And if you're not registered yet,
this is your last chance to take part.
You might think that
after six months underground
that car won't be looking so attractive.
But in the boot of the car
there's still one million to be found.
And you can get over 25 thousand
of these small trees for such a sum.
I want you to think it over
and tell everyone we're back.
Kazma's back.
I was already thinking
you wouldn't launch it.
No one thought
the car would really stay there for,
say, nine months.
It's here at last!
Give me the car! And why were you
in Costa Rica for six months?
I'm really interested in
what this baby will look like after
so many months underground.
I need to borrow a digger.
This time I'll dig up that car of yours
even if it should kill me!
Kladno. It must be Kladno.
Hang on, that's not what
the biggest odds are for.
I know. But it has to stay
in the Central Bohemia Region.
So we're not cheating the people
who bet on it before Covid.
- Okay.
- Fair enough.
We've only got a few days,
so all hands to the pump.
Here. This is the ideal spot.
There? By the shopping centre?
Between the high-rises?
Okay. You're the boss.
A nutter, but the boss.
Linuks, take a look at the utilities
and who they belong to.
Good job it's Saturday
and you don't have to go anywhere.
Don't worry,
we'll be together the whole weekend.
- Shall we order some food?
- We'll order some food.
And watch a film.
- And we'll be here.
- And we'll be here.
That's work.
I have to make a call.
One quick call, okay?
Hang on.
Yes. Yes, hello.
I'm phoning about the lease...
- I'm phoning about the land lease.
- Land lease?
Yes. I'm phoning because
of the plot of land in Kladno.
Okay. And what do you want?
We'd like a short-term lease.
But I'm busy right now.
You can visit me in Orlov tomorrow
and tell me what you want.
Could it wait until Monday?
Because during the weekend I...
Either tomorrow or not at all.
Ring the bell when you arrive.
But don't go inside,
there're guard dogs here.
I'll come to open the gate.
Alright then. We'll drop by.
And where exactly is this Orlov?
Well, I'm giving you a yellow card
for a stupid question like that.
If you want me to think
you're some twat from Prague,
just carry on, and I'll show you a circus...
I understand, fine, thanks.
We'll drop by. Goodbye.
What's that?
The man said "twat from Prague"?
- Did he now?
- Uh-huh.
I think so.
Shouldn't we drive
something less conspicuous?
It's fine, the mole is good.
It's pre-arranged,
we just need to finish it.
So you go there, mate.
If he recognises me,
we're screwed, you see?
- I don't know, Kamil.
- Don't call me Kamil, for fuck's sake.
I have this strange feeling, mate.
It won't turn out well.
Come with me.
Steve, you're my manager,
so pull yourself together and sort it out.
- Don't crap yourself all the time.
- I'm not crapping myself.
- You're crapping yourself.
- I'm not crapping myself.
You are crapping yourself.
Steve, just go there.
Really. He was nice
and friendly on the phone.
Yeah. Just do it.
Pigi tea.
A nice fellow.
I forgot about the dogs.
Jesus, what an arsehole.
Arsenal! Onto the bench!
What do you want?
I'm going to see Mr. Zvina.
About what?
Leasing a plot of land.
Wait, I'll come and get you.
I won't be leasing anything,
I've changed my mind.
Go home.
It'll just be a small cultural event.
You mean you're going to
build something there?
- No!
- And drive cars?
Nothing big. Just a few cars.
I'm not going to explain why it's
churned up like a whore's fanny there.
- There's grass there.
- Mr. Zvina.
Jaroslav. A small event, for children.
Didn't you understand?
You fucking Prague junkie,
can't you understand me?
You won't be driving any vehicles there!
Chill, let's all calm down, take a deep...
breath, think of a tiny little stream,
raspberries and cream. Okay?
You fucking raspberry,
if I see but one car on that grass,
I'll take you by the balls and
drag you across that meadow with a lorry!
You red-haired arsehole,
do I make myself fucking clear?
I'm sorry.
Roman, pass me the rope.
- What?
- Did we get it?
- Yeah, fine.
- Really?
We've got it, sure.
The chap
on the balcony didn't look too great.
No, it was a really nice guy.
He didn't even want money.
- Perfetto.
- Perfetto?
Yeah, great.
So let's go.
You drive, mate.
So let's go.
- How many cars did you say would be there?
- How should I know? Why?
Just asking.
The train has started
and can't be stopped now.
So that the game
stays the same for everyone
and we don't disadvantage anyone,
we're staying
in the Central Bohemia Region.
So we're in Kladno.
As soon as we arrive,
everyone stays inside,
we close it up, put up fences
and start filming.
See those people gawping?
Close it, close the tarp.
Well, considering it was really fast,
it's not bad at all.
You need a big theatre for a big show.
And a big theatre
deserves a big backdrop.
So if they cancel the bets for a town now,
we're stuffed.
- Will it fit in there?
- It has to.
- We don't have any other option.
- We really don't.
Jesus Christ!
We can now launch Operation Mole.
Looks fantastic!
Okay, let's hide it as fast as we can.
We're inside. It's relatively safe.
Now we have to get it underground,
that's phase two.
Fine, let's put the tarp back.
Good, lads, let's get it underground.
We have a problem.
There's a queue forming at the entrance.
Tell them to fuck off,
say there's nothing on today.
There're kids children
from a children's home here.
The whole class.
- Are you taking the piss?
- That's more than one class.
What time do you open?
You got any animals here?
Elephants or camels, mate?
Have you gone nuts?
I don't have any animals.
- How many are there, mate?
- About sixty.
- I'd tell them to fuck off.
- It'll be too obvious. So let's improvise.
- You're right, mate.
- We've got seats, we've got props.
Get the lads that set up the tent,
they're quite handy.
And you'll be our clown.
- Are you taking the piss?
- I'm not.
You can't send them home.
- Okay, if it's for free.
- What d'you mean free?
You're nuts. We'll charge admission.
It's against the laws of this world
not to charge any admission at all.
We'll charge admission, just like that.
- How much do you want to charge?
- At least fifty.
- Well, only thirty.
- Forty, but you're a monster.
Get me the circus workers
who put the tent up.
Let's try out what we've got here.
The programme on the back of that coaster?
Unicycles, then the clown,
and knife-throwing.
Then there's a hola-mop.
What's a hola-mop?
Fine, sure, I get it.
They're coming in in a few minutes.
And we haven't practised anything.
We'll just have to improvise.
I need a magician.
- When?
- Right now?
- Hey.
- Hey, mate.
Don't ask any questions,
it'll be real quick.
Tubes, triangles, hula-hoop,
I still don't know what that is.
And then we'll call it a day and fuck off.
we've spent a long time preparing it,
one whole single day!
Let's go.
Show time!
Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen, dear children.
Welcome to our circus and enjoy the show!
My mom always said I was a clown
and that I'd end up in a circus one day.
We may be a band of everyday crooks,
but what wouldn't we do for children
in the midst of our top-secret operation.
So on that day,
one hundred of these pre-school kiddies
became part of the biggest con in history.
Good job they're not adults with IDs yet.
Soon the whole country
will be looking for it
and now they're all sitting on top of it.
And their parents don't have a clue
how big a show
they actually took them to.
Got their money's worth for 40 crowns.
It'll all go like clockwork.
Christ, the manager's phoning me, mate.
What does he want?
Yes, Mr. Zvina, hello.
You fucking junkie, what're those
fucking circus people doing there?
It's probably just a misunderstanding.
I told you you can't do anything there!
Just you wait for me there, you dog!
- No...
- Roman!
I'll call the coppers, Dad.
Fuck. He's on his way with the cops.
Fuck, the pigs are on their way.
Where's Patrik?
Patrik, we're packing up the tent
and getting the fuck out of here.
They're building there, driving there,
such fucking arseholes!
Dear spectators, we are sorry,
but there has been
an unexpected change of programme.
Today's performance
is delayed indefinitely.
Please leave the circus.
- Arseholes!
- I'll skin him alive!
Get those people out of that tent!
Mommy, I don't want to go home!
I fucking told him repeatedly
they couldn't build anything here!
Go, go...
I want to go to the circus!
Prague junkies! Fuck, this is terrible!
What a shitty Praguer,
they fuck everyone over!
I'll submit a complaint!
Pack everything up
and let's get out of here.
Bloody comedians!
Forty crowns down the pan.
I'll bury you in that meadow, you cunt!
Ladies and gentlemen, the show's over.
We're leaving.
Let's go.
Let's go home.
Oh, fuck, we're screwed!
Come on!
I'm telling you they told me there
was a circus here a while ago.
Just look at it! It's all ploughed up!
It's terrible! Fuck!
Jesus Christ, Steve,
you said that the land was leased
for the event.
Well, I was lying.
Oh, you're home already?
- Hello.
- Hi, Steve.
- Hi, my love.
- Hi.
What's this here?
- Where?
- Here.
Is that lipstick?
We did a performance for children.
- I see.
- Don't worry.
Darling, Steve and I
have to sort something out now. Okay?
I'm James Bond.
- Cheerio.
- I know. Cheerio.
The game is on.
I've sent an SMS with a clue
to hundreds of thousands of phone numbers.
However weird it sounds now,
take any soft toy,
pack it in a box or a plastic bag
and take it to the nearest
Zsilkovna issuing point.
Hundreds of thousands of people
started sending us soft toys
and soon we didn't have anywhere
to store them.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is the biggest unboxing in the world.
We got over a million of them.
This is how our game kept pushing
you further and further in reality.
For every task you completed
you got another clue.
Some cues were on LED screens,
some on the radio,
on television, in the newspapers,
on billboards...
And to the lunatics who got
the furthest, we threw them from a plane.
Czech Dream. Like by Mr. Klusk.
The five people who got through
the fastest were chosen for the final.
Alright, we've got the finalists,
now we just have to let
one of them dig it out, and that's it.
But our bookmakers must find out about it.
Because only when it's officially
discovered can they pay out the winnings.
- It has to public.
- Exactly.
So let's organize a small event.
And invite the media.
I want to broadcast it live.
I have a few tickets for a show the like
of which you've never seen before.
A war of shovels and diggers live on TV.
And one winner at the end!
The grand finale
in digging up a car - live!
- Zvina will kill you.
- But first he'll feed you to the dogs.
That messed-up football idiot
will keep an eye on things.
So just make it fast and inconspicuous.
- We'll do it on Sunday.
- Sunday?
A massive success!
The Czech national team has qualified!
On Sunday.
This is the Rdio Kiss prize draw for
two tickets for the Czech national team's
match on Sunday in the
round of 16 of the UEFA Euro.
We're calling the winner who will
fly to Budapest this Sunday
to see this crucial match.
Well? Chelsea, sit! Who's phoning?
- It's Roman Andl, Rdio Kiss.
- And what do you want?
You've just won two tickets to
the Czech national team's match on Sunday!
Is this some kind of joke?
I haven't entered any competition.
This is not a joke.
Jarda, your number has been drawn
and it looks like today's your lucky day.
Well, if it's true, I'd actually go.
How many tickets do you have?
Two tickets. And they're yours.
Oh, man! So I'll take my son.
Go, Czechs! Go, Czechs!
Pinewoods rustle
Among the crags
The garden is glorious
With the blossom of spring
Paradise on earth it is to see
This'll be massive!
- Go, Czechs!
- Go, Czechs!
- Hello. Have you got any beer?
- Yes.
- Excellent.
- Me and my dad
will drink the whole plane dry.
- It's like a bloody tomb, isn't it?
- Go, Czechs!
Want to sit by the window?
We can't see shit anyway.
It doesn't matter who sits where.
We're going to the grand finale,
so I hope Fortuna is watching.
We're off to work now. Let's go.
- Beer!
- Thank you!
Go, Czechs!
This is a perfect smoke screen.
No one'll think of this.
This is a fucking proper event, at last!
And the rules are quite simple.
The first of the five finalists
to reach the container
wins the car with one million in the boot.
Everything according to the rules in front
of the eyes of the referees, the media...
It's already known that it's in Kladno.
...and the watching spectators.
And after a few hours of
constant scraping and digging,
when the meadow was already rutted
like a prostitute's privates,
one of the contestants
heard a clinking noise.
Ladies and gentlemen.
You're in the right place -
it was the container.
The Range Rover and one million crowns
are now yours.
One of you won my car.
The contestant's name is Kuba,
he's from somewhere near Sokolov.
Congratulations, Kuba.
The car went through a lot with me.
But now it can tell
a million-crown story, too.
It's time to show it to you all.
Because two games are being played
on this field today.
Kazma on base. Is it flowing yet?
- Over.
- Still nothing. How about you?
Zvina will kill us,
but the container's been unearthed.
So that Sunday,
in the meadow outside Kladno,
Kuba wasn't the only winner.
It's time for the last magic trick.
Damn it, it's happening right now.
You'll shit yourself.
- Linuks, have we got the dough?
- We have lots of it. We've got enough.
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's time for the grand finale!
The Range Rover that's spent
nearly a year underground is here!
The car's fragrant, clean, unbroken!
We can end it now and you can go back.
I think we're done.
Brother, I want you to know
that if you want something in life,
you go for it
and you overcome all the hurdles
and sacrifice a lot,
you really can have it
at the end of the journey.
So let's sum it up, okay?
You've sent the whole country wild
with some fucking game
to win some fucking car.
A zillion people got involved,
now you let some moron win it,
and while you're at it you rob the biggest
Czech betting company of a few mill, eh?
And don't forget that everything
that you've seen today
could even be a bit different
and that's not all.
Bye for now, though.
That's really rich!
So, are we happy?
Yeah. The odds for the towns went up
and we expected average odds.
So we really got the timing
right before it went down again.
What does that mean?
A little bit more got
in than we'd thought.
How much?
On those 495 accounts we currently have
29 million
935 thousand and 568 crowns.
Do you know what that means?
That we've got money!
Thirty million, mate!
Thirty million, mate!
What're you doing here?
I was calling you. About a hundred times.
Then I thought you'd be here.
I know, sorry. We've had a difficult day,
and we're finishing something off here.
Why are you here?
- Did you bet on it?
- Bet?
- No, love, it's just...
- But you knew it in advance.
- Are you joking?
- Darling.
- It's not the way it looks, okay?
- You stole 30 million?
I know it sounds crazy,
and that it's a lot of money, but it was
a mistake.
- So it was just a mistake!
- Yeah, a mistake.
Money's really brainwashed you.
So that's
what all this play-acting's about.
Darling, listen to me.
It got out of hand,
there should have been less.
It's only a betting company,
they rob people every day.
Be quiet!
It's fraud, plain and simple.
Vendy, wait!
Kamil, do you realize what kind
of situation you keep getting me into?
There's always something going on.
Always some events, trouble.
I know.
Always something more important than me.
- It's not like that.
- I think it is.
You just are who you are.
And you'll never be different.
I can't do it anymore.
I'm done.
And I did it
all for you.
- What, you were doing it for her?
- What?
- It doesn't matter, let it be.
- Of course it matters.
- How do you mean?
- Leave me be, it's none of your business!
Fuck off, Kamil!
I'm not just your fucking manager
and you're not a bloody star!
I'm your mate and buddy!
So stop pissing me off
and tell me what this is all about.
Sit down.
Remember when I told you
about that party after which
I ended up in the car with that hostess?
- Yeah, I do. And?
- Well, I don't remember it much.
I was totally trolleyed.
We probably did something and...
No, I can't...
I have a girlfriend. Wait.
Someone took a photo of us in there.
That prick started blackmailing me.
He wanted ten million
or otherwise he'd send it to Vendy
and make it public.
Who the hell does he think he is?
Ten million!
If it's a photographer,
it'll be easy to fix.
He's in a top position
at one of the biggest betting companies.
Apparently, his wife was working for Prima
when we did that Prosteno con.
It's personal.
That bloke hates me.
I spent a long time
thinking about what to do about it,
and then I had this idea.
- To give him his own money.
- Yeah.
- Frank?
- We have a problem.
- We can't withdraw the money.
- What the hell do you mean?
I'll tell you in person.
Come at once. We're waiting here.
So? Are we fucked?
Pretty much.
According to the new lottery act
all gamers must be
verified through Bank ID.
What the hell does that mean?
To get the money paid out
from all those registered accounts
we now also need verified bank accounts
which are in the same name
as the registration.
So, even though we have the money,
it's tied up in 400 accounts
and we simply can't withdraw it.
All we can do is bet it on something.
- So we didn't know that earlier? Fuck!
- No. It's new.
They reorganized the system,
nothing can be done.
What shall we do?
I don't know what to do.
But I know who will.
He's been around for decades
taking millions from Czech bookies.
His picture is on the wall
of every fucking betting shop.
So that's why you're telling me all this.
You need help.
Yeah, I need to withdraw it somehow.
Apparently you're the only
one who can do it.
I don't do business with strangers.
I'm retired now, I only gamble for fun.
It's a nice story, but try someone else.
Fingers crossed.
Ivo said you've got
a score to settle with them.
It's at Fortuna.
At Fortuna?
Yeah. You were on offer as well back then.
They probably thought
you were hopeless already.
I really like it here.
International waters.
Tax breaks, loads of money
and gambling laws
as free as a bird.
So you say 400 accounts and 30 million?
Almost thirty.
You think I'm going to
pull out a magic suitcase,
say abracadabra, and you've got the cash?
Ever heard of sure betting?
- Fuck, we really should have killed him.
- Who should you have killed?
It doesn't matter, don't worry about it.
Sure betting is betting on certainty.
Pass me my magic suitcase.
You didn't get this at Alza, did you?
You have to reorganize it all,
redirect it elsewhere.
It'll take some time and
you might lose a bit of loose change.
Then we'll go on a little trip.
You'll get it in cash.
Are you okay with that?
Cash is fine.
Life can be really insane sometimes.
You just have to be willing to
do insane things.
And never stop gambling
when fate deals you a bad hand.
There's always a way
of playing really well, even if
you've been dealt a bad hand.
I could bore you for hours with
complicated mathematical
equations and systems to explain to you
everything that the lunatic
reorganised, filtered and sieved,
but you wouldn't understand it anyway.
The important thing is that
he really did manage it in a few days.
And that now I have my
Jack Daniels with coke for the road
and 27 million in beautifully laundered,
fragrant, one-dollar notes.
Why one-dollar notes?
Only Lubor knows that.
And I really don't give a toss.
So now I just need to get home,
kiss my girl,
have a nice lie-in for the first time
in ages, pay off that crook in the morning
and finally start living a normal,
everyday life.
Yeah, that'd be a nice happy ending.
But life sometimes writes its own stories.
Dear God.
Now I know why you didn't have time for me
and where you spent all those nights.
You've made your choice. Enjoy your life
and good luck with your one-man show.
That was always your first priority.
Enjoy your new discovery.
You've really let me down.
Please don't contact me,
I don't trust you anymore
and I don't want to hear you.
That bastard!
I can't get over it.
For a long time I thought
I was really doing it all for her.
That was so nave.
Most people would do it differently,
but I saw in it another challenge.
And when I'm faced with one,
I can't help myself.
That's just how I am.
And what about the others?
Frank quit his job, but he was so good
that he was signed up by a competitor.
He's a manager
with another betting company now.
Laco opened a newsagent's so
he had something to smoke
for the rest of his days.
Linuks moved out of his mom's place
and started living
at Ruslan's.
And Ha helped me out
with that heap of soft toys.
I knew that I'd do something
good with them one day.
And the decision was made.
We took them to Ukraine
when that fucking war broke out.
That's where the children
needed them most.
Thank you for thinking about us.
And all of you who sent them
deserve a big thanks.
With those soft toys we also gave them
a piece of our hearts.
And if you're wondering
how I dealt with him,
well, I didn't.
It's not important anymore.
But there aren't a lot of people there
who wear a golden tie every day.
Life will deal with him itself.
She was the best girl I've ever met.
She left my life so fast
I couldn't tell her a thing.
I miss my cats.
People often leave relationships without
listening to the other person's story.
Life isn't a film and I know
you can't change anything.
But it occurred to me
that it could be a good way
of telling her everything one day.
I want her to know what really happened.
And how do you want to do that?
I want everyone to know.
If a lot of people see it,
then she'll find out, too.
Have you gone mad?
If this gets out, Fortuna will see it.
And what if we show everyone
a slightly different point of view?
What do you mean?
At the only place where
you can deal drugs with impunity,
get chased by cops,
or show everyone
how you scammed a betting company.
So if you're sitting in the cinema now,
you've probably seen
just another invented story
written by a scriptwriter on a couch.
Maybe it never happened.
But maybe you're all in it
together with us.
This is 22 million crowns
in one-dollar notes.
Imagine all the things
I could do with that right now.
Let's play the last game.
I locked up the money in this safe.
To get to it,
you need a card and the correct password.
The card that you probably
have in your pocket now.
I distributed them
in cinemas across the country.
The password for the card is a
ten-digit number.
And every one of you can work it out now.
All you have to do is decipher the code.
It's not easy.
But what you have just seen
was, in reality, not a film.
But a manual.
That safe is somewhere out there.
Whoever's the first to
put in the correct password
will be the owner of all the money.
But hurry, time's flying.
It won't be there forever.
And there's one card in circulation
that doesn't need any password at all.
Maybe it's yours.
One million dollars is a lot of money.
But also a lot of responsibility.
Try and see what it's like having it.
And all of us will see if we've taught you
something over the last few years.
- Lajner speaking.
- Yes, hello, Mr. Lajner.
- Yes?
- So finally it's out.
Really? And where will they broadcast it?
Will it be on TV or in the cinema?
You can come and see it with your wife.
- That's incredible.
- Yeah, it's in the cinemas.
Great, so me and my wife
will go and see it.
We're really looking forward to it,
thank you and see you later.
It's all fucked now!
We simply can't afford to lose this fight!
We must take clear measures.
Jrgen, Stefan, Hans, Fritz, Franz.
For you, this fucking war's over!
Go away!
You three who stayed...
Go without me,
I can't manage it.
No, I'm not going without you.
I wanted to tell you something...