Onion Movie, The (2008) Movie Script
You can always count on
the Onion to get the story.
It's America's finest news source.
And now, the Onion News...
America's finest news source.
Featuring Dana Dobbs...
senior correspondent, Kip Kendall...
and award-winning anchor,
Norm Archer.
We begin today
with news from Detroit...
where automaking giant,
American Automotive...
announced a safety recall of all
The neck belts introduced last month
in an attempt to reduce head injuries...
have been found to cause
crushed tracheas...
severe spinal damage
and violent decapitation.
Daddy's home. Hi, Dad.
Today, the U.S. military announced
an innovative new plan to draw new recruits.
You sign up right now...
you get one pair of Ozzfest tickets...
and a set of mud flaps for your truck.
Then after six months of active duty...
you are eligible to receive...
an ounce of weed.
Sweet!
And in six more months,
a bunch more weed.
You're fuckin' lying.
I get some more weed?
And if you serve a tour of duty
during a foreign conflict...
you will receive
upon your discharge... this.
- A hot bitch poster.
- Damn it! Sign me up!
The Internet went down
for three hours this morning...
plunging the nation into productivity.
The outage, which caused major work
"startages" from New York to California...
prevented an estimated
from messing around
on the Web at work.
More Onion News after this.
In a world without justice...
where the strong
prey on the weak-
One man must face
the ultimate challenge-
Master, how did they defeat me?
They used an ancient technique.
It strikes at the very core of a warrior's strength.
For this attack,
there is no defense.
Master, will you teach me?
- You are not yet ready, my son.
- I'm ready, master.
No, you are not.
You have much to learn.
You, young pupil...
shall become... a cockpuncher.
From Global Tetrahedron Pictures-
Steven Seagal is Cockpuncher.
Stop!
Cockpuncher.
I don't think you have the balls.
From Global Tetrahedron Pictures.
That looks awesome!
Sure does, kids.
A real whomp in the nut sack.
Honey, have you seen
my good black socks?
- Mommy, look.
- Honey?
If you see news happening,
call the Onion News hotline.
Honey, I cannot find my good black socks.
Hello? Onion News?
My baby!
We're here live with
a breaking news story.
Apparently, a local area man
has misplaced his black socks.
Mr. McCormick, would you please tell us
exactly what happened this morning?
Sure. Um, I got up.
It was a normal morning.
The kids are downstairs.
And, uh, my wife's giving 'em breakfast.
And all of a sudden, I noticed
that my good black socks are missing.
Here's your boy, ma'am,
safe and sound.
Oh. Thanks, thanks.
Look, sweetie. Look!
- The Onion News van!
- Yeah.
In other news, a local
eight-year-old accidentally...
exercised his Second Amendment
rights yesterday...
when he blew off his head
with his father's semiautomatic rifle.
The fatal incident is being hailed
by gun rights activists...
as a victory for America
and the Constitution.
- Nobody move, unless you want
your head blown off!
- You!
- Please. Please don't shoot me.
I'll give you however much you want.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You think I want money?
You think that's what this is about?
A big, angry black man
comes walking in waving a gun...
and you assume
he's robbing the place?
I ain't looking for no goddamn handout.
I'm looking for a motherfucking job, bitch!
- Excuse me?
- You heard me! A motherfucking job!
Don't you see? If you give me money,
that'll just help me in the short term.
But a job, that'll help me develop
valuable job skills and experience.
It's like teaching a man how to fish.
So quit stalling,
get your bitch ass back there...
and give me a 40-hour week position...
with vacation pay and benefits...
you piece of shit motherfucker.
And don't make me ask twice.
Back that ass up.
Let's go. Let's go. I can help
the next motherfuckin' person in line.
You in that apricot sweater suit,
get your bitch ass on over here now!
How can I help you today?
I'd like to deposit this check,
please, into my savings account,
and then I need to withdraw-
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just shut the fuck up for a minute.
What the fuck you doin', Liz Anne?
You callin' the cops?
- No.
- If that's the goddamned cops-
No, no, I swear. I was just on
with an account holder. I was advising him-
I'm gonna kill you, bitch!
Who the fuck's this?
You a cop? Mm-hmm.
Well, what I recommend is that
you keep at least 500 in your checking...
to just avoid
the minimum balance fee...
and put the rest in our money market which
will earn you an additional 2% interest.
Right. You have a nice day, sir.
My pleasure. Uh-
Liz Anne, uh, sorry.
My bad.
That's okay.
Honest mistake.
Armed gunman,
I've been watching you...
and I must say, I'm impressed.
How'd you like to be
our new customer services supervisor?
Mr. P., it'd be
my motherfuckin' honor.
Outstanding. Yeah, we're gonna get you
an annuity for 12 years on that one.
I'll get you 8% on that one.
Everybody down now!
Get the fuck down, everybody!
Give me all the money!
Hurry up! Hurry the fuck up!
What you doing?
You playing back there?
Load the bag up with money,
and nobody else fucking move.
You hurry up!
Hurry the fuck up!
Load the bag up!
Load the bag-
You sicken me.
Asking for a handout...
instead of raising yourself up
out of your situation through hard work.
Why don't you get a job like the rest of us?
According to statistics,
And the surgeon general is taking steps
to address the problem.
- As a result of the rampant
spread of obesity in the U. S...
the government has been forced
to raise the definition of obesity...
from 55% body fat to 90%.
The move, which reduces
the number of obese Americans...
from 200 million to 185 million...
was widely applauded
from coast to coast.
It's high time the government stepped in
and did something about this problem.
I don't wanna be obese.
Man, that shit is all fucked up.
In other news,
Georgia officials announced...
plans to add a swastika and middle finger
to the Georgia state flag.
Joe's Diner,
an unusual Atlanta area eatery...
was not based around any sports,
music, or movie-based theme-
- Have you spoken to Norm about the changes?
- Not yet.
- He's not gonna be happy.
- But he's got no choice.
Whatever the new parent
company says... goes.
Melissa Cherry is America's
biggest pop sensation...
selling millions of records
to her legions of teenage fans.
But is this young singer
sending the wrong message?
Kip Kendall reports.
Her new album, Come With Me...
has gone quadruple platinum
and made her a household name.
# Baby, when we kiss
my heart just skips a beat #
#And when you hold my hand
Oh, I can hardly speak #
# Oh, yeah
I'm down on my knees #
But some concerned parents
think Melissa Cherry's...
image and music are too sexy...
setting an inappropriate
example for their children.
So, what do you say to
all the concerned parents out there?
Well, Kip, I honestly don't understand
what all the fuss is about.
My music isn't about sex.
It's about being a girl
and having fun.
But clearly the song, "Down on my Knees,"
Melissa, is about fellatio, isn't it?
Ew. It's about how...
like, when you have
a big crush on a boy...
sometimes you get down on your knees
and, like, beg for their love.
# Oh, I got so much love
I need to show it #
What about your first big hit,
"Take Me From Behind"?
"Take Me From Behind"
isn't sexual at all.
It's about love sneaking up on you.
You know, like from the behind.
You know, it could be a boyfriend's love
sneaking up on you...
or a friend's or even Jesus Christ.
# But what I really want is for
you to take me from behind #
# Oh, yeah #
# Oh, yeah #
# Oh #
# Oh, oh #
#When you love me right up front
you know that I don't mind #
# But what I really want is for you
to take me from behind #
Let's talk about the song,
"Lollipop Love."
"Lollipop Love" is...
the kind of love
that is just really sweet...
and you just kind of want to lick it,
you know, and suck it.
# Lollipop
Hey, yeah #
# Lollipop #
# Love #
# Lollipop #
# Love
Baby, baby #
# Lolly, lolly, lolly
lollipop #
# Oh-ho, lollipop love #
Like a lollipop.
What about the song
"Shoot Your Love All Over Me"?
That's about how, like,
when you're in love...
you just wanna be covered in it.
# Shoot your love all over me #
# Oh, drown me in a milky sea #
# Love all over me #
But clearly, the video
seems to tell a different story.
What kind is that?
- The kind with a... cum shot.
- I'm a virgin.
How would I know what a facial is?
Sometimes I like dressing up
sexy in my videos...
but that's just my way
of celebrating being a woman.
You know, people are always
gonna try to tear you down...
but that's their problem, not mine.
Because I know
who Melissa Cherry is.
She's just a good, old-fashioned country girl
from Monroe, Tennessee.
# Baby ##
The pope condemned
three more glands today...
bringing the total number
of sinful hormone secretion ducts...
on the human body to 11.
In international news...
relations between Sloravia and Azmenistan
continued to deteriorate...
when Azmenistani... rebels... seized a-
Hey, Norm.
Hey, Norm. Okay.
- Oh, there goes Norm again.
- He looks pissed.
Onion tip line.
What do you got?
Hey, Norm. What's up?
Hey, Norman.
What the hell was that?
We'd, uh, been meaning
to talk to you about that.
Um, it's Globie.
It's the Global Tetrahedron penguin.
Yeah, the folks at Global
Tetrahedron thought he'd be...
you know, a fun, unobtrusive way
to plug the company during the news.
Plus, you gotta admit,
he is pretty fucking cute.
Hi, Norm.
Who's the best anchorman
in the whole world? You are!
Come on, Norman.
You've gotta get with the times, mate.
These kind of tie-ins are
commonplace these days, Norman.
It's called synergy, Norm.
We cannot have a shameless ad
for our parent company...
running during the newscast.
It's a blatant compromise
of our journalistic ethics and integrity.
I'm sorry. It's just that, um-
You know, what you're saying, it's-
It's a steaming pile of shit, mate.
Norm, listen, what he's trying
to say is it's, uh, uh-
- It's-
- Hilarious!
It's off the wall!
It's rude, crude and uncensored.
It's the very best of
Bud Schwartz Celebrity Roasts!
Rolly Ingersoll should get
cancer and die!
All the top names in the business
turn out to give each other the business.
Jack Morton,
you're a fuckin' asshole.
You'll get all the zingers.
Fuck you.
All the comebacks.
Suck my dick!
For just 19.99,
you'll get the full-length video...
of the best of Bud Schwartz Celebrity Roasts
delivered straight to your door.
But wait! If you order by credit card
in the next 15 minutes...
we'll throw in the second video, where the stars
turn the tables and roast Bud himself.
You know what I think you are?
A fucking piece of shit!
New tapes will arrive
every other month.
Keep only those you like and return the rest
for a full refund. Order today!
I fucked his wife!
In the ass!
Whoo!
From Global Tetrahedron Pictures...
Steven Seagal is... Cockpuncher!
Awesome.
Decadent, immoral, Western filth!
Ooh.
Awesome.
Decadent, immoral, Western filth!
Cockpuncher.
Welcome to the Al-Q'Utaya terrorist team.
This training video will teach you
what angry slogans to scream.
Death to the godless shit beasts!
How to blend into
a typical American city.
Yeah.
And so much more.
Here are Ahmed and Ahman.
They may be brothers,
but they couldn't be more different.
Ahmed knows punctuality
is important.
He makes sure to leave plenty of time
to get to his bombing site.
Death to the godless shit beasts!
Ahman leaves everything
to the last minute.
Oh, shit!
Ahmed double-checks the address of
the bombing site so there are no mistakes.
Ahman doesn't.
Oh, shit!
Ahmed dresses properly for work...
wearing clothing that is loose
enough to hide his explosives.
Ahman dresses inappropriately.
Ooh.
And don't forget, as a martyr...
you'll receive eternal life in paradise
for you and 100 of your relatives.
You'll be blessed with
unlimited sex from 72 virgins-
- Awesome.
- Thirty-five U.S. dollars and a bunch more weed.
- Awesome.
- So welcome to the Al-Q'Utaya terrorist team...
where work is truly a blast.
Oh, shit!
Death to godless shit beasts!
- I'm gonna call Sarah.
- Yeah.
- Hey, guys. How's it going?
- What took you so long?
I was playing Suicide Bomber.
Have you heard from Tim tonight?
- No.
- No? That's weird.
I was gonna call Sarah.
Yeah, yeah! What's up, playas?
Lake Shore Bluff represent! Yeah!
Show some love, fool!
Hey, Tim.
Damn! LittleJ...
you are lookin' mad fly, boo.
- You feel me?
- Sure, Tim.
I just bounced from this
mad, crazy, ill party, dude.
I was hangin' out with these niggas
over in Pleasant Oaks and shit.
You were hanging out
with real black people?
No, but they was blastin'
some crazy, phat beats, son!
They was pourin' out some Cristal...
breakin' off some endo smoke.
You know what I'm sayin'?
Just wildin' out!
- Yeah.
- Yo, I'm gonna score me a bag of Doritos.
Y'all straight?
Yeah? All right.
Code Two. Code Two.
Intersection of 12th and Grand.
We have visual confirmation
on the suspect.
- This is Unit One.
- Hit it.
All possible units, please respond.
And this booty that was like-
Yo, what the fuck is this?
- What's going on, Officers?
- The yarn store down the road was just held up...
by a young black male
fitting your friend's description.
What?
What are you- What are you
talking about? It-It wasn't me.
- No, it's not you?
- No.
Hey, Frank, you see any other young
black males here in Lake Shore Bluff?
- Don't see any.
- What?
- In the car, darky.
- But I'm- I'm not black.
I'm white.
My whole family's white.
My dad's Irish.
My mom's Norwegian.
We go to the Fourth Avenue Lutheran Church
where I help with the bake sale every Sunday.
Settle down back there, chocolate!
Let's stand right over here.
Don't worry about anything.
Nobody can see you.
Now, I just want you to point
to the perpetrator for me.
Him. That... Negro.
Okay, thanks.
We can go.
This is Dana Dobbs here
at Lake Shore Bluff...
where any second now we'll hear
the verdict in the Timothy Shanahan case.
Will the defendant please rise?
Ladies and gentleman,
have you reached a verdict?
Yes, we have, Your Honor.
We, the jury...
find the Negro... guilty.
There you have it. The Negro is guilty.
- Welcome to
Focus on Film with Kenneth Garber.
Hello. We are now a good
way through the film...
so we thought it would be a good time
to get some perspective on it.
And joining us to provide just that...
are Nicholas Van Essen
and Raymond Marcus.
Offer us, if you will, your take on
how the film is doing thus far.
I'll have to say, Kenneth,
that I am very impressed.
Sketch after sketch,
we're being treated to...
a brilliantly biting skewering
of contemporary social mores.
Well, Raymond, what do you think?
- I must strenuously disagree.
- Ah.
This is nothing but vulgar, low-brow,
potty humor thinly disguised as satire.
It saddens me that the Onion has stooped
to this lowest common denominator...
pandering to the masses.
Well, now for a third opinion...
let's go straight to the source.
We have with us here
in the studio a very special guest.
Welcome, Masses.
So, what do you think of the film?
It's pretty cool so far, I guess.
That Cockpuncher dude is awesome.
Bam! Right in the balls.
But this part, with these film-expert assholes-
I mean, why do you even have these two
gaywads in the movie for anyways?
Fags!
Lose 'em and let's get on
with the movie, dude.
Gentlemen, experience the majestic splendor...
of a cruise aboard the luxurious
Queen Nathan II.
On the Queen Nathan, there's so much
for today's gay man to enjoy-
shuffleboard, exquisite cuisine...
monster cocks.
Grab a pole and go deep-sea fishing.
Work those muscles
in our shipboard gym.
Enjoy our world-class spa.
Or take a thrilling
Las Vegas-style revue.
Yes, whether you want
to scuba dive, get blown...
or play blackjack
in our glamorous casino...
the Queen Nathan II's
got what you're looking for.
So climb aboard the Queen Nathan II.
And now it's time
for Little-Known Racial Stereotypes.
Yes, everyone knows that
Italians are all mobsters...
and Native Americans are all drunks.
But did you know
that blacks love taffy?
It's also true that Eskimos
run all the locksmith shops...
the Irish have enormous nipples...
and Puerto Ricans can dangle
from steel beams for hours at a time.
Damn, that's unbelievable.
- How does he do that?
- Oh, he's a Puerto Rican.
- Also...
- Y'ello?
did you know that the Dutch
enjoy speaking with telemarketers?
Visa? With a special
credit card offer?
Peruvians love to swoop in
and save the day at the last minute.
And they can shoot laser beams
out of their eyes.
And, of course,
all Arabs are terrorists.
Ah, stereotypes. Can you imagine
a world without them?
Okay, that must be our final player.
- Hi, Julie!
- Hi.
- Welcome.
- Oh, your house is so lovely.
Oh, thank you!
Come on in.
- Everybody, this is Julie.
- Hi.
- Pretty cute, huh?
- Hi, Julie.
Have a seat. So, I understand this
is your first whodunit party?
Ah, you are gonna
have so much fun! Okay!
With any luck, by the end of the night
we'll figure out which one of us did the dirty deed.
Any one of us could be the rapist!
- I'm sorry. Did you say "rapist?"
- Yeah. Yeah, I did.
Don't these things usually
revolve around, um, a murder?
Yeah, Julie, see,
we do this every few months...
and frankly, we were getting
a little bored with murder.
So I was like, " Isn't there some other
violent crime we can reenact?"
And I'm in the store the other day...
and I find this.
How fantastic is that?
So, anyway, Julie,
since you are new, luckyJulie...
you get to be the victim.
Okay?
- Ooh.
- So, I want you to put this on. Hop up.
Okay, so here's what's gonna happen.
The lights are gonna go out.
So, you lie down on the floor.
We're all gonna come running in, but you're
gonna be unconscious, so you stay down there.
Don't you think this is a little... sick?
Oh, sweetie, it's all in fun.
No one's actually raping anyone.
I mean, you wouldn't have a problem with
a murder-mystery game now, would you?
- I guess not.
- Yeah, so why would you object to a game...
revolving around a lesser crime
where no one even loses their life?
- Well, it's just different.
- Oh, "it's just, it's just"!
Come on, guys.
Let's play the game.
Get your cards. Okay?
CD in here.
You got that on, sweetie?
Okay, get down on the floor.
Get down on the floor.
Ready for a rapin'?
Oh, no, please don't rape me.
- Shut up, you bitch!
- No, no, please, Mr. Raper Man.
- Shut the fuck up!
- What are you doing?
Shut up, bitch!
- Oh, no!
- Shut up!
Wow.
" Oh, no. The sweet, innocent,
young daughter of Mayor Lewis has been raped.
Lock the door. No one is leaving
until we figure out who did it."
- Nice accent.
- Thanks, man.
Who committed this rape? Hmm?
Was it... the creepy uncle?
The handsome, young Ivy League
fraternity brother...
who's used to getting what
and who he wants?
Um, the prisoner
just released on parole? That's me.
Or the vaguely hermaphroditic
night nurse...
from the senior center
just down the block?
Ooh, he's so creepy!
Okay, come on. Let's play! Let's play!
"I was with my wife.
"Besides, that bitch has been
making up stories since she was four.
You can't believe anything she says!"
"I have 22 fraternity brothers
who will vouch that I was with them."
Oh, I bet you do.
Okay, time to spin.
Whoa, Julie, I know this
is your first time...
- but you're not acting very raped.
- Okay.
Oh, no, no, Julie, you can't stand up.
You've just been raped.
The rapist shattered
your pelvis with a baseball bat.
Um, I'm leaving.
Wha-What?
Where are you going?
Ju- Come-Julie, wh-
Now what?
I guess you guys are just gonna have to rape me.
Oh, no, please don't rape me.
Taffy?
God! Fucking blacks!
The nation's anti-tobacco lobby
won another victory today...
when Congress passed legislation
restricting smoking within U.S. borders...
to a single room in Iowa.
- Traffic was backed up from
Nevada all the way to lowa...
as smokers tried to get to the lounge.
Move the car,
you old, fucking bitch!
Smokers from across the country
are making the long journey...
to the 10-by-10 smoker's lounge
in Des Moines, Iowa.
I drove all the way from San Francisco
just to sneak a smoke in on my lunch break.
I'm supposed to be back
at work in 10 minutes.
It's a 37-hour drive.
It's fuckin' bullshit!
In legal news, a judge has declared
local aerobics instructor...
and accused murderer, Jennifer Porter,
too fit to stand trial.
Judge Edward Conlin
said that the suspect...
with her washboard abs
and powerful leg muscles...
is of too sound body...
to be tried for the killing
of her ex-lover.
According to a new medical study...
depression hits losers hardest.
The study found that extreme,
debilitating depression...
most commonly afflicts
those who are total screw-ups...
who can't do anything right.
Are you ready?
Oooh.
# Baby, when we kiss
my heart just skips a beat #
#And when you hold my hand
Oh, I can hardly speak #
# But there's one kind of lovin'
that we can't do face to face #
# So let me give you some affection
just below your waist #
- I like that.
- # Oh, yeah, I'm down on my knees for you #
# I'm beggin' please, please for you #
# Oh, got so much love
I need to show it #
# It's a big job
Don't wanna blow it #
# Oh, yeah
Oh, yeah #
# Oh #
# Baby
Down on my knees #
# Beggin' please, please ##
From Global Tetrahedron Pictures,
Steven Seagal is-
Hey, welcome to Volt Village. My name's Dirk.
What can I help you find today?
Hey, Dirk.
Um, my computer...
it's a few years old,
and I feel like I'm ready for a new one.
I got just the thing.
The Bates 4000.
Absolute cutting-edge.
These babies came in on Tuesday.
They're packed, man.
Eighty "G's" of RAM.
We're talking
a quad-port 900 processor...
D.V.K. compatible memory card...
dual-burning DVD drives...
plus a 16,000 C.T.C. combo-drive...
with a plus-four digital
upgrade card.
This will knock the shit
out of your ass.
Well, I'm just looking for your basic,
simple home computer.
I know, your wife has you
by the purse strings. But you know what?
This is the Bates 4000.
It doesn't get any better than this.
It's not going anywhere.
This is the future.
Well, I have the Bates 1000
and that worked-
Oh, excuse me.
You have the Bates 1000.
Oh, that's great!
Fuck, man, wow!
Maybe you should talk to a homeless woman
outside 'cause maybe she'll be impressed.
Those things are barbaric.
I mean, last time I checked,
they didn't even have a delete key on it.
I'm joking, of course. But look,
this is the future. You get my point?
- Yeah.
- Okay? Let's write you up.
- All right, let's do it.
- All right, my friend.
Wow, honey. Are you sure
we needed such a fancy one?
You kidding? This thing's got
a quad-port 900 processor...
and a 16,000
C.T.D. combo-drive with-
Dude, you're not still using
the Bates 4000, are you?
That thing's ancient.
- Really?
- Really.
You got to get you one of these:
the Bates 5000.
Absolute cutting-edge.
Wow, that is newer.
Thanks.
The new Bates 5000.
Throw your 4000 away.
It's a piece of shit.
This is Hard Drive Hal, your computer expert.
My guest today
is Bates C.E.O. Gil Bates.
Now, he's here to talk about perhaps
the most powerful machine ever built:
the Bates 6000,
and it's available in stores right now.
Asshole!
Hey, I just dropped off
a shipment of the Bates 7000s.
Now, what do you want me
to do with the leftover 6000s?
garbage where they belong.
That's right. Twice the memory
capacity of the 8000.
Mr. Bates, you have a visitor.
- Hang on. Come in.
Hi.
Bates was 42.
In other news, after a six-month
stint at the Betty King Clinic...
actor Bryce Brand
finally returned home today.
That's right, Norm. I'm here outside superstar
Bryce Brand's Hollywood Hills mansion...
where, at any moment, he's due to return
from his stay at the Betty King Clinic.
Bryce!
Bobby, baby!
- Bryce.
- Bobby, baby!
Bobby, baby!
- I'm back!
- You look great.
I cannot tell you how good I feel
now that I'm off the drugs...
and high on life.
Hey, that's what they're saying.
Oh, man, was I a mess.
But all that's changed now
that I'm clean and sober.
You know, I never knew how amazing
life can be without the haze of drugs.
It's just the little things, like...
smelling the flowers-
Or watching the sunset,
or just walking along the beach.
You know, these things get me
way higher than drugs ever could.
That's great, um, Bryce.
So, we have got a lot of
catching up to do with your career.
Now I brought a script. It is fantastic.
Actually, your part is comedic.
Uh, sort of a wise-cracking-
Bob, this chamomile is so amazing.
It is blowing my mind, man.
Smell this.
No. Thank you, though.
Um, back to the script.
Again, it took a lot to get this-
Bob, one thing sobriety
has taught me...
is that you have to take time out
to enjoy life's little pleasures.
Can you put the tea down for a sec?
- Bryce?
- Oh, my God.
- Bryce.
- Oh, my God.
The nation's rapidly growing
prison population...
which recently passed
the 20 million mark...
has created
a severe overcrowding problem.
In an attempt to alleviate
the overcrowding...
the government announced today
that a random selection of U.S. households...
will be asked to take prisoners
into their homes.
Hi. Uh, I'm Dick.
This-This is my wife, Sarah.
This is our daughter, Allie.
And this is our son, Bobby. He's 10.
Welcome to our home.
'Sup.
Don't drop this shit on me, bitch!
What the fuck are you doing? Don't just
stand there! Get your man something to drink!
Damn, it's good to see some women.
Mm-mm-mm.
Mr. Prisoner, my tattoo hurts.
Lights out, guys.
If successful,
another 20,000 prisoners...
will be moved to suburban homes
by the first of next month.
Hello and welcome once again
to Focus on Film.
I'm Kenneth Garber.
And I'm joined by Kwame Roberts...
president of the National Coalition
of African Americans...
and James Nakatami, director of
the Asian American Alliance for Equality.
Mr. Roberts, let's start with you.
Your organization is not pleased with
this film's depiction of African Americans.
Oh, that is absolutely correct, Kenneth.
We are just about halfway
through the film...
and we've yet to see a dignified
portrayal of a person of color.
So far, we've only been shown
as vicious criminals or sex fiends.
Just take a look at that last sketch.
So, what specifically
is your group demanding?
The filmmakers put a positive black role model
on that screen in the next 10 minutes...
or we will be organizing a nationwide
walkout of black moviegoers.
That means every single African American
currently watching this film...
will exit the theater.
Mr. Nakatami,
you are equally unhappy?
Thus far, there are maybe one...
or, at the most, two,
three Asian faces in the film.
How do you feel about such
gross underrepresentation?
Me no "rikey."
Excuse me?
Me no "rikey."
And... back to the film.
In legal news, local
is suing for the right to be
sexually harassed in the workplace.
Frankel, an employee
at Carl's Copy Shop in Phoenix...
alleged that during
his three years there...
not a single female coworker made
inappropriate sexual advances toward him...
either verbal or physical.
In other news, health officials
have confirmed...
that a potentially deadly
airborne virus...
has been spreading
across eastern Canada.
And is now moving south towards the coast of-
Hey, Norm.
Hey, Norm.
Okay.
- Oh, there goes Norm again.
- He looks pissed.
Onion tip line.
What do you got?
- All right. Listen to me.
- Hi, Norm.
Our job isn't to advertise our parent company's
movie via goddamn penguin.
Our job is to deliver
to the American people...
fair, balanced, hard-hitting news.
In this crazy world, the Onion may be
the only news source that people can truly trust.
Look, don't be so naive, Norm.
This is a business.
Listen, Norm. I know you're not
gonna want to hear this.
But the suits at
Global Tetrahedron...
want you to open up Friday's broadcast
with a slightly different lead story.
But Friday is the day
Azmenistan gave Sloravia...
as a deadline for pulling out
of the Uzbagiyak region.
It's also the day that
Cockpuncher opens.
I mean, this Azmenistani, uh, sloppy
ground thing is all well and good, right?
But it's a million miles away.
Nobody gives a fuck about it.
The more important news story
right now is Cockpuncher mania.
It's sweeping the nation.
And it better sweep
your newscast Friday.
Take a putt?
No?
You owe me a pound,
you son of a bitch. I made that last one.
From Global Tetrahedron Pictures...
- Steven Seagal is-
- Awesome!
Goddamn whorish corporate plugs.
I'm a newsman, damn it.
Oh!
- Cockpuncher.
- I don't think you have the balls.
Oh, I cannot wait for Friday.
- Excuse me, sir.
- What can I get you?
No, thank you. I don't drink,
or use drugs for that matter.
No. I was just wondering if you could
give me directions to the local library.
Um, two blocks down
and left on Second.
Thank you very much.
You have a wonderful evening.
Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
You have a wonderful evening.
Uh, help?
Has your penis become stuck
in a library book return slot?
Call Kostman's, the penis people.
We've been the tri-county area's...
penis retrieval
experts for 64 years.
We'll get any penis
out of any slot for $39.95.
That's my personal guarantee.
So don't just sit there hoping that your penis
will somehow magically free itself.
Call Kostman's.
- Dave got my penis out.
- Dave got my penis out.
Dave got my penis out.
Dave got all our penises out!
Kostman's, the penis people.
This week's campaign is gonna rule.
I can't wait for the assault
on castle Dragonflame.
I know. It's gonna be
super totally awesome.
I have a third-level elven cleric
I can't wait to pit against my foes.
Well, uh, don't count on it being too awesome.
Look who just showed up.
Well, what have we stumbled upon here?
Oh, shit.
Dare you challenge the might
of Proteus the Invincible?
Ah, I see there are some beardless saplings
with us this afternoon...
who have ne'er tasted my blade.
This douche bag ruins everything.
Prepare for total devastation.
The magical wizardry,
expert chaos techniques...
and incomparable equipment roster
of Proteus the Invincible...
will make short work
of all pretenders to the throne.
Okay, Lyle.
How's about letting some of
the younger guys have a chance today?
Okay?
When it comes to Wizards and Warbeasts,
I expect no quarter.
And none shall be given.
All right.
Now that I have readied my provisions
for the day's foray into the fairy realms...
let the slaughter begin.
None remain standing before me.
All have fallen before
the might of my broadsword.
Hope you're happy, Lyle. You just ruined
another Saturday for the whole gaming club.
What care I for
the sniveling excuses of the weak?
They shall bow before my wrath.
In the realm of fantasy, only the strong
shall survive to conquer another day.
Whatever.
Alas, the day's adventuring
is now done...
and I must take
the number two bus back home.
If only I could live in
the world of fantasy forever...
instead of being forced to
put up with this banal realm...
and its silly, weak-minded mortals.
Oh, how I wish I could live in
the realm of Wizards and Warbeasts...
ruling the land as
a mighty conqueror...
smiting orcs and ogres alike
with my trusty broadsword.
Proteus the Invincible?
- I have heard your plea.
- What?
- Who-Who goes there?
- It is I, Gygax, demon of the Astral plane.
Never before have I seen your equal
among the mortals that play this game.
What's going on? Guys?
I have chosen to grant your wish,
Proteus the Invincible.
Come forth into the land of legends.
God. Where am I?
Ow!
Oh, God. Where am I?
Proteus.
Prepare to piss thyself, human.
No, no, no.
No. No. No. No. Please.
Fucking geek.
After last night's heartbreaking
loss in Los Angeles...
basketball star Dashante Jackson
had harsh words for the lord.
You know, I'd like to put
the blame on God tonight...
for not blessing me with the talent to
hit the game-winnin' three-pointer tonight.
You know, without him,
I would truly be goin' to the play-offs.
Bitch, I don't know why
you do this shit to me!
In news from our nation's capital,
a group of Alzheimer's disease sufferers...
marched on Washington today
demanding a cure for pancakes.
Until this teakettle is cured...
there will never be enough
bread in the laundry!
Ding-dong!
Karate!
Give 'em hell!
Hi. I'm Michael Bolton.
Did you know that all over
the world...
there are millions of children
living in extreme poverty?
For more than 40 years, the What About
the Children Foundation has been making...
a difference in the lives of
kids throughout the third world.
And so can you...
by adopting a What About
the Children sponsor child.
But don't take my word for it.
Take Dibo's.
Hello. I am Dibo.
- Come.
- Thanks to What About the Children...
Dibo has seen his standard
of living soar well above the level...
of his pathetic
poverty-stricken village.
The What About The Children Foundation...
is able to provide
a child like Dibo...
with some of the little things
in life we so often take for granted.
- Thanks, Jimmy.
- Like electricity, fresh water, indoor plumbing...
a 42 inch plasma-screen television...
the latest Sony PlayStation
video game...
1,000 thread count
Egyptian-cotton sheets...
a subscription to
the Wall StreetJournal...
and selections from Marc Jacobs'
Men's Spring Collection.
Get your own sponsor family!
Thank goodness the McCormicks sent me
a security system to keep these animals out.
Thank you, Dibo. It's stories like yours
that make it all worthwhile.
In breaking news, we now join
Dana Dobbs in Lake Shore Bluff...
where a verdict has just been handed down
in the Timothy Shanahan trial.
Dana, what's the latest
on the situation?
Well, Norm, as you can see...
I'm here outside the First
District Federal Courthouse...
where this angry mob of Negroes
is rioting over the guilty verdict...
in the Timothy Shanahan case.
We will keep you posted.
- Thanks, Dana.
- Thank you, Norm.
Those crazy Negroes.
# Oh, when you love me right up front
You know that I don't mind #
Enter.
Pardon me, General.
Your meeting is about to start.
- #Take me from behind #
- Yeah.
So, as you can see, generals, Deathco
Amalgamated's M-47 "Jumpin' Johnny" land mine...
earned a triple-A rating in field trials
and boasts a 98% kill-through ratio...
making it the best land mine
for the government's dollar.
Nah, we're gonna pass.
Thanks anyway.
Fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Fuck, fuck!
You call yourself a salesman?
We spent $400 billion of the company's money
developing these land mines for the military!
You'd better find a way
to unload these things!
Tired of backbreaking yard work?
Then jump back for Jumpin' Johnny!
Jumpin' Johnny
blasts weeds to pieces!
Frags ragweed...
crabgrass, dandelions...
rabbits...
raccoons...
even elephants.
So, what are you waiting for?
Get Jumpin' Johnny today!
It's now time for our weekly
Inspirational Portrait.
This week, the Brendan Laroux story.
Brendan Laroux's story is one of dreams.
As a young boy,
he wanted to become a dancer...
but at the age of 12,
he lost his legs.
Now, this would be a setback
for any youngster...
but not Brendan, who set
his eyes on being a surgeon...
until, at age 14,
he lost his wrists.
Without my wrists, there was nothing
to keep my hands attached to my arms.
So, even though my hands were fine,
l- I lost them too.
Now, Brendan may not have had as many
hands and legs as the other boys...
but there was one dream
he didn't let go of-
becoming a professional
hockey player.
At first, the other players
treated him fairly.
But after seeing all the attention that
Brendan was getting, they became jealous.
The special treatment stopped. Brendan
toughed it out in the minors for two brutal years.
But it all paid off when
he finally got the call.
The coach said,
"How would you like to be pro hockey's...
first legless, handless player?"
It was an inspiring night, full of inspiration.
But then, two days later...
Brendan found out that
his rib cage was backwards...
leaving his spine exposed, and that
he needed a complete muscle transplant.
The risky surgery lasted 720 hours.
Brendan came back better than ever.
Brendan persevered
and was selected M. V.P.
Just when it seemed like the dark clouds
had finally passed, Brendan contracted scurvy...
went bankrupt,
and his wife was eaten by wolves.
He was also molested
by his Uncle Jerry.
Today, Brendan's journey
has opened the door for many athletes...
who never would have
been given a chance...
if he hadn't broken down
pro sports' physical ability barrier.
Athletes like Emma Heathcoat,
cerebral-palsy sufferer...
and three-time national
equestrian champ.
Blind stockcar driver,
Bobby Templeton.
Deaf Olympic sprinter Craig Connors.
Gil Sarinen, the world's first
professional comatose diver...
and, of course, Chicago
shooting guard Herbie Cohn...
who was born with Judaism.
Yes, none of it would have
been possible without Brendan Laroux...
a true Inspirational Portrait.
In adult entertainment
industry news...
the nation's porn stars
gathered today in Los Angeles...
in a unified demand for stronger,
more intense sexual intercourse.
Fuck me with your big cock!
- Give it to me harder!
- Fuck me till I explode!
Calling the tragedy a terrible,
unintentional mistake...
the Los Angeles Police Department
issued an apology today...
for the accidental shooting, clubbing...
stabbing, firebombing, choking,
impaling, electrocution...
and lethal-injection death
of an African-American man.
I'm Kip Kendall reporting
for the Onion News.
- As the conflict between Sloravia
and Azmenistan deepens...
college campuses across this country
have become a hotbed of political activity.
We're here in Santa Cruz, California today.
Let's listen in.
Stop the violence.
Stop the violence!
Increase the peace!
For the past three years,
Sloravia and Azmenistan...
they've been locked in
a pointless and bloody war.
Their cowardly leaders send
innocent young men into battle to die.
Well, you know what?
We need to put those leaders
in a room and let them fight it out!
And you know what else? What these countries
need to do, what they need to do-
- Th-They need to listen to
their women a little more.
Because women create life,
while men, they destroy it.
So, let's all stand up against
the corporate war machine...
that only exists to do
the imperialist agenda...
against the- the oppressed minority.
Right?
Love your brother! Peace! One love.
- Excuse me, Chad.
- 'Sup?
We're with the U.N.
And let me just say, we are very impressed.
What you said up there
was dead on, Chad. Dead on.
What?
We want you to negotiate talks
between Sloravia and Azmenistan.
Shut up, dude.
We're convinced you are the man who can
finally bring peace to this troubled region.
Will you do it, Chad?
Will you help us increase the peace?
- Fuck, yeah! Fuck, yeah, dude. I'm in!
- Great.
- Would you come with me, please?
- Yeah.
Your systematic campaign of aggression...
against my country is the reason-
Our military operations are purely
in response to your violation of the treaty.
- You are the one to violate the peace treaty!
- We?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys.
Guys, chill, chill.
Let's take a chill pill here.
Don't you guys realize that war, no matter
how justified it may seem, it's not the answer.
It's not?
No, man.
Love is the answer.
Now, let's get
this peace shit started.
# A baby's born
Old man dies #
# One child's laughing
while another child cries #
# Seasons change
right before my eyes #
# The sun comes up
The sun goes down #
# The world takes another
little spin around #
# The tide rolls out
The tide rolls in #
# Life goes on
And on again ##
In international news...
the crisis between Sloravia and Azmenistan
deepened today...
when the leaders of
the two rival nations-
Tomorrow is the deadline for Sloravia
to pull out of the Uzbagiyak region.
- If it's not our lead story,
consider it my resignation.
Cockpuncher mania.
Two minutes, Norm.
And now, the Onion News,
America's finest news source.
Honey, it's about to start.
Featuring Dana Dobbs...
senior correspondent, Kip Kendall...
- and award-winning anchor, Norm Archer.
- Good evening.
For the past 27 years,
I've sat at this desk...
dedicating myself to one thing-
delivering the news to you,
the American viewing public...
in the most fair, balanced,
serious way possible.
What's he doing?
Well, things are changing
in the news game...
and I've been under pressure
to change with them.
The powers that be at this network
have done everything they can...
to get me to compromise my values.
So what do they want me to do?
Plug our parent company's movies...
and other products like
a two-bit network news whore.
Motherfucker.
Well, I've been giving this
whole ugly business a lot of thought...
and just a few moments
before going on the air tonight...
I finally came to a conclusion.
And that conclusion is-
Nobody move
or the anchor infidel dies!
The Al-Q'Utaya
terrorist organization...
officially declares war
on the decadent, immoral...
United States of Satan.
We shit on your country!
And piss also!
That was good.
Tonight, on live television...
the American people will watch
this great spreader of Western lies...
get blown to pieces...
unless the United States government
formally apologizes...
for its rotting, immoral culture.
Like that's gonna happen.
Are you listening, Mr. President?
- We might be fucked, sir.
- We will do it.
We will kill him right here
if you do not meet our demands!
Oh, yeah?
I don't think you have the balls.
Cockpuncher!
Ahmed, it is the mighty
puncher of cocks.
I'm hungry.
I could sure go for a sundae
topped with... crushed nuts.
Yummy.
Cockpuncher!
Fuck him up!
Come on!
I believe you'll be
releasing Norm now.
Not so fast, Cockpuncher.
Cock blocked.
Those clever terrorists.
They blocked their cocks.
Maybe I can be of some assistance.
- Hit it, boys!
- Melissa Cherry!
# Oh, when you love me right up front
You know that I don't mind #
# But what I really want is for you
to take me from behind #
# Oh, when you love me right up front
You know that I don't mind #
- # But what I really want is for you-#
- Come on, Cherry.
# Oh, yeah #
What the fuck is going on?
Ahman, think unsexy thoughts!
Think unsexy thoughts.
Think unsexy thoughts.
Think unsexy thoughts.
Enough! Your immoral Western sexuality
will not work on us.
Mr. President, the time has come to
give in to our demands.
If we do not hear from you in 10 seconds,
we will kill everyone in this studio.
We might be fucked, sir.
Ten, nine, eight...
seven, six...
five, four, three, two, one!
- Not so rpido.
- Peruvians.
- Daddy, what's a Peruvian?
- It's kind of like a Mexican.
- Viva Per!
- Qu viva.
Cockpuncher, amigo-
You know, Ahman,
violence is almost never necessary.
I admit, I've punched thousands
upon thousands of cocks in my life...
but I've never killed anyone.
Because no matter what
your religion might be...
no matter
what your politics might be...
no matter how much
money's involved...
there's never any reason
to take human life.
Human life is the most
precious thing there is.
Fuckin'-A, man.
That's some cool shit, man...
You know what?
You are absolutely
right, Cockpuncher.
Violence is not the answer.
Terrorism never solved anything.
To hell with terrorism.
Yeah! Yeah.
I'm sick and tired of
living in a fucking cave.
I'm sick of doing nothing
but cursing the West all day.
Jesus H. Allah!
I like the West!
God bless America.
I like TV! And I like
bacon double cheeseburgers!
- Whoo!
- And I like the rapping music!
But most of all...
I like this big-budget
blockbuster action hero.
Long live the mighty puncher of cocks!
Qu viva!
Yeah! Whoo!
Hey, Norm. Some crazy shit, huh?
Look, with all due respect,
we just wanted to ask, um...
what were you gonna say
during your speech?
Yeah, we were wondering what
the conclusion that you came to was.
Well, I was going to say, " I'm mad as hell
and not going to take it anymore."
- But after what just happened...
- Shh.
I think I've learned a little lesson
I won't soon forget.
As a matter of fact, I think we've all learned
a few things in the past 90 minutes.
We've learned that Irishmen
have huge nipples.
We've learned that film-critic intellectuals
are a bunch of gaywads.
And, most of all, we've learned...
that creeping corporate
influence over the news...
protects us from terrorism.
Hey, everybody, we're all gonna get laid!
Um, I can't help but think...
it must have taken a lot of courage
to make such a provocative film.
And joining us
to discuss just that...
is the man who green-lit the film.
Thanks, Kenneth.
Pleasure to be here.
So, uh, now, while you gave the makers
of this film tremendous leeway, obviously...
still, there was some material
that you simply refused to allow?
That's true.
Basically, as committed as I was to letting
these guys be free to do their thing...
there were simply some images
that I just didn't feel comfortable with.
Mm-hmm. But I understand
you did bring some clips.
That's right. Uh, I would like to show
some special bonus material.
These are scenes that didn't
make it into the movie.
Great. Let's take a look.
So what we do is we get the kitty...
and we put it in
a simple egg batter.
Careful. Okay. Shh. That's fine.
And then we just simply roll it around...
making sure we cover
the whole thing.
It's all right, baby. It's okay.
Get him completely covered in
an her bed bread-crumb batter here.
I see. Okay. Oh!
Thank you.
And into- Oh- into the canola oil.
You know, I think you have to
draw a line somewhere.
# Oh, when you love me right up front
You know that I don't mind #
# But what I really want is for you
to take me from behind #
# Oh, when you love me right up front
You know that I don't mind #
# But what I really want is for you
to take me from behind #
#Oh, yeah #
#Oh, yeah #
#Oh, yeah #
# Oh, oh #
# Oh, when you love me right up front #
# You know that I don't mind
No, no #
# But what I really want is for you
to take me from behind #
# Oh, when you love me right up front
You know that I don't mind #
# But what I really want is for you
to take me from behind #
# I don't mind, no
I don't mind #
# Take me from behind, yeah #
# I don't mind, don't mind
Yeah ##
Are you ready?
Down on my knees.
# Baby, when we kiss
my heart just skips a beat #
# And when you hold my hand
oh, I can hardly speak #
# But there's one kind of lovin'
that we can't do face to face #
# Oh, no
So let me give you some affection #
# Just below your waist #
# Oh, yeah
I'm down on my knees for you #
# I'm beggin' please, please for you #
# Got so much love
I need to show it #
# It's a big job
Don't wanna blow it #
# Oh, yeah
Oh, yeah #
# Oh #
# Baby
I'm down on my knees #
# Beggin'. please, please ##
# Oh #
Shoot your love, baby.
# Tell me, why must you hide #
# That love
That love you got inside
Inside #
# Ooh, ooh #
# It's been building up
so long #
# Yeah #
# And that feeling's
oh, so strong #
# Oh, so baby #
# Shoot your love all over me
Oh #
# Drown me in a milky sea
Love all over me #
# Hey, baby #
# It's you and I
You and I #
# For eternity
For eternity #
# That's why you got to
shoot your love over me #
# Oh, yeah #
# When I look at you, baby #
# I see a man full of spunk #
# But what good is it to me #
# Locked away in that trunk #
# I don't need more roses #
# No, that would be
just reckless #
# The gift I want from you
From you #
# Is my very own pearl necklace
Oh #
# Shoot your love all over me #
# Hey
Drown me in a milky sea #
# Love all over me #
# Ooh, baby #
# It's you and I
You and I #
# For eternity
For eternity #
# That's why you got to shoot your love-#
For the Onion News,
this is Norm Archer.
Fuck you and good night.
the Onion to get the story.
It's America's finest news source.
And now, the Onion News...
America's finest news source.
Featuring Dana Dobbs...
senior correspondent, Kip Kendall...
and award-winning anchor,
Norm Archer.
We begin today
with news from Detroit...
where automaking giant,
American Automotive...
announced a safety recall of all
The neck belts introduced last month
in an attempt to reduce head injuries...
have been found to cause
crushed tracheas...
severe spinal damage
and violent decapitation.
Daddy's home. Hi, Dad.
Today, the U.S. military announced
an innovative new plan to draw new recruits.
You sign up right now...
you get one pair of Ozzfest tickets...
and a set of mud flaps for your truck.
Then after six months of active duty...
you are eligible to receive...
an ounce of weed.
Sweet!
And in six more months,
a bunch more weed.
You're fuckin' lying.
I get some more weed?
And if you serve a tour of duty
during a foreign conflict...
you will receive
upon your discharge... this.
- A hot bitch poster.
- Damn it! Sign me up!
The Internet went down
for three hours this morning...
plunging the nation into productivity.
The outage, which caused major work
"startages" from New York to California...
prevented an estimated
from messing around
on the Web at work.
More Onion News after this.
In a world without justice...
where the strong
prey on the weak-
One man must face
the ultimate challenge-
Master, how did they defeat me?
They used an ancient technique.
It strikes at the very core of a warrior's strength.
For this attack,
there is no defense.
Master, will you teach me?
- You are not yet ready, my son.
- I'm ready, master.
No, you are not.
You have much to learn.
You, young pupil...
shall become... a cockpuncher.
From Global Tetrahedron Pictures-
Steven Seagal is Cockpuncher.
Stop!
Cockpuncher.
I don't think you have the balls.
From Global Tetrahedron Pictures.
That looks awesome!
Sure does, kids.
A real whomp in the nut sack.
Honey, have you seen
my good black socks?
- Mommy, look.
- Honey?
If you see news happening,
call the Onion News hotline.
Honey, I cannot find my good black socks.
Hello? Onion News?
My baby!
We're here live with
a breaking news story.
Apparently, a local area man
has misplaced his black socks.
Mr. McCormick, would you please tell us
exactly what happened this morning?
Sure. Um, I got up.
It was a normal morning.
The kids are downstairs.
And, uh, my wife's giving 'em breakfast.
And all of a sudden, I noticed
that my good black socks are missing.
Here's your boy, ma'am,
safe and sound.
Oh. Thanks, thanks.
Look, sweetie. Look!
- The Onion News van!
- Yeah.
In other news, a local
eight-year-old accidentally...
exercised his Second Amendment
rights yesterday...
when he blew off his head
with his father's semiautomatic rifle.
The fatal incident is being hailed
by gun rights activists...
as a victory for America
and the Constitution.
- Nobody move, unless you want
your head blown off!
- You!
- Please. Please don't shoot me.
I'll give you however much you want.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You think I want money?
You think that's what this is about?
A big, angry black man
comes walking in waving a gun...
and you assume
he's robbing the place?
I ain't looking for no goddamn handout.
I'm looking for a motherfucking job, bitch!
- Excuse me?
- You heard me! A motherfucking job!
Don't you see? If you give me money,
that'll just help me in the short term.
But a job, that'll help me develop
valuable job skills and experience.
It's like teaching a man how to fish.
So quit stalling,
get your bitch ass back there...
and give me a 40-hour week position...
with vacation pay and benefits...
you piece of shit motherfucker.
And don't make me ask twice.
Back that ass up.
Let's go. Let's go. I can help
the next motherfuckin' person in line.
You in that apricot sweater suit,
get your bitch ass on over here now!
How can I help you today?
I'd like to deposit this check,
please, into my savings account,
and then I need to withdraw-
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just shut the fuck up for a minute.
What the fuck you doin', Liz Anne?
You callin' the cops?
- No.
- If that's the goddamned cops-
No, no, I swear. I was just on
with an account holder. I was advising him-
I'm gonna kill you, bitch!
Who the fuck's this?
You a cop? Mm-hmm.
Well, what I recommend is that
you keep at least 500 in your checking...
to just avoid
the minimum balance fee...
and put the rest in our money market which
will earn you an additional 2% interest.
Right. You have a nice day, sir.
My pleasure. Uh-
Liz Anne, uh, sorry.
My bad.
That's okay.
Honest mistake.
Armed gunman,
I've been watching you...
and I must say, I'm impressed.
How'd you like to be
our new customer services supervisor?
Mr. P., it'd be
my motherfuckin' honor.
Outstanding. Yeah, we're gonna get you
an annuity for 12 years on that one.
I'll get you 8% on that one.
Everybody down now!
Get the fuck down, everybody!
Give me all the money!
Hurry up! Hurry the fuck up!
What you doing?
You playing back there?
Load the bag up with money,
and nobody else fucking move.
You hurry up!
Hurry the fuck up!
Load the bag up!
Load the bag-
You sicken me.
Asking for a handout...
instead of raising yourself up
out of your situation through hard work.
Why don't you get a job like the rest of us?
According to statistics,
And the surgeon general is taking steps
to address the problem.
- As a result of the rampant
spread of obesity in the U. S...
the government has been forced
to raise the definition of obesity...
from 55% body fat to 90%.
The move, which reduces
the number of obese Americans...
from 200 million to 185 million...
was widely applauded
from coast to coast.
It's high time the government stepped in
and did something about this problem.
I don't wanna be obese.
Man, that shit is all fucked up.
In other news,
Georgia officials announced...
plans to add a swastika and middle finger
to the Georgia state flag.
Joe's Diner,
an unusual Atlanta area eatery...
was not based around any sports,
music, or movie-based theme-
- Have you spoken to Norm about the changes?
- Not yet.
- He's not gonna be happy.
- But he's got no choice.
Whatever the new parent
company says... goes.
Melissa Cherry is America's
biggest pop sensation...
selling millions of records
to her legions of teenage fans.
But is this young singer
sending the wrong message?
Kip Kendall reports.
Her new album, Come With Me...
has gone quadruple platinum
and made her a household name.
# Baby, when we kiss
my heart just skips a beat #
#And when you hold my hand
Oh, I can hardly speak #
# Oh, yeah
I'm down on my knees #
But some concerned parents
think Melissa Cherry's...
image and music are too sexy...
setting an inappropriate
example for their children.
So, what do you say to
all the concerned parents out there?
Well, Kip, I honestly don't understand
what all the fuss is about.
My music isn't about sex.
It's about being a girl
and having fun.
But clearly the song, "Down on my Knees,"
Melissa, is about fellatio, isn't it?
Ew. It's about how...
like, when you have
a big crush on a boy...
sometimes you get down on your knees
and, like, beg for their love.
# Oh, I got so much love
I need to show it #
What about your first big hit,
"Take Me From Behind"?
"Take Me From Behind"
isn't sexual at all.
It's about love sneaking up on you.
You know, like from the behind.
You know, it could be a boyfriend's love
sneaking up on you...
or a friend's or even Jesus Christ.
# But what I really want is for
you to take me from behind #
# Oh, yeah #
# Oh, yeah #
# Oh #
# Oh, oh #
#When you love me right up front
you know that I don't mind #
# But what I really want is for you
to take me from behind #
Let's talk about the song,
"Lollipop Love."
"Lollipop Love" is...
the kind of love
that is just really sweet...
and you just kind of want to lick it,
you know, and suck it.
# Lollipop
Hey, yeah #
# Lollipop #
# Love #
# Lollipop #
# Love
Baby, baby #
# Lolly, lolly, lolly
lollipop #
# Oh-ho, lollipop love #
Like a lollipop.
What about the song
"Shoot Your Love All Over Me"?
That's about how, like,
when you're in love...
you just wanna be covered in it.
# Shoot your love all over me #
# Oh, drown me in a milky sea #
# Love all over me #
But clearly, the video
seems to tell a different story.
What kind is that?
- The kind with a... cum shot.
- I'm a virgin.
How would I know what a facial is?
Sometimes I like dressing up
sexy in my videos...
but that's just my way
of celebrating being a woman.
You know, people are always
gonna try to tear you down...
but that's their problem, not mine.
Because I know
who Melissa Cherry is.
She's just a good, old-fashioned country girl
from Monroe, Tennessee.
# Baby ##
The pope condemned
three more glands today...
bringing the total number
of sinful hormone secretion ducts...
on the human body to 11.
In international news...
relations between Sloravia and Azmenistan
continued to deteriorate...
when Azmenistani... rebels... seized a-
Hey, Norm.
Hey, Norm. Okay.
- Oh, there goes Norm again.
- He looks pissed.
Onion tip line.
What do you got?
Hey, Norm. What's up?
Hey, Norman.
What the hell was that?
We'd, uh, been meaning
to talk to you about that.
Um, it's Globie.
It's the Global Tetrahedron penguin.
Yeah, the folks at Global
Tetrahedron thought he'd be...
you know, a fun, unobtrusive way
to plug the company during the news.
Plus, you gotta admit,
he is pretty fucking cute.
Hi, Norm.
Who's the best anchorman
in the whole world? You are!
Come on, Norman.
You've gotta get with the times, mate.
These kind of tie-ins are
commonplace these days, Norman.
It's called synergy, Norm.
We cannot have a shameless ad
for our parent company...
running during the newscast.
It's a blatant compromise
of our journalistic ethics and integrity.
I'm sorry. It's just that, um-
You know, what you're saying, it's-
It's a steaming pile of shit, mate.
Norm, listen, what he's trying
to say is it's, uh, uh-
- It's-
- Hilarious!
It's off the wall!
It's rude, crude and uncensored.
It's the very best of
Bud Schwartz Celebrity Roasts!
Rolly Ingersoll should get
cancer and die!
All the top names in the business
turn out to give each other the business.
Jack Morton,
you're a fuckin' asshole.
You'll get all the zingers.
Fuck you.
All the comebacks.
Suck my dick!
For just 19.99,
you'll get the full-length video...
of the best of Bud Schwartz Celebrity Roasts
delivered straight to your door.
But wait! If you order by credit card
in the next 15 minutes...
we'll throw in the second video, where the stars
turn the tables and roast Bud himself.
You know what I think you are?
A fucking piece of shit!
New tapes will arrive
every other month.
Keep only those you like and return the rest
for a full refund. Order today!
I fucked his wife!
In the ass!
Whoo!
From Global Tetrahedron Pictures...
Steven Seagal is... Cockpuncher!
Awesome.
Decadent, immoral, Western filth!
Ooh.
Awesome.
Decadent, immoral, Western filth!
Cockpuncher.
Welcome to the Al-Q'Utaya terrorist team.
This training video will teach you
what angry slogans to scream.
Death to the godless shit beasts!
How to blend into
a typical American city.
Yeah.
And so much more.
Here are Ahmed and Ahman.
They may be brothers,
but they couldn't be more different.
Ahmed knows punctuality
is important.
He makes sure to leave plenty of time
to get to his bombing site.
Death to the godless shit beasts!
Ahman leaves everything
to the last minute.
Oh, shit!
Ahmed double-checks the address of
the bombing site so there are no mistakes.
Ahman doesn't.
Oh, shit!
Ahmed dresses properly for work...
wearing clothing that is loose
enough to hide his explosives.
Ahman dresses inappropriately.
Ooh.
And don't forget, as a martyr...
you'll receive eternal life in paradise
for you and 100 of your relatives.
You'll be blessed with
unlimited sex from 72 virgins-
- Awesome.
- Thirty-five U.S. dollars and a bunch more weed.
- Awesome.
- So welcome to the Al-Q'Utaya terrorist team...
where work is truly a blast.
Oh, shit!
Death to godless shit beasts!
- I'm gonna call Sarah.
- Yeah.
- Hey, guys. How's it going?
- What took you so long?
I was playing Suicide Bomber.
Have you heard from Tim tonight?
- No.
- No? That's weird.
I was gonna call Sarah.
Yeah, yeah! What's up, playas?
Lake Shore Bluff represent! Yeah!
Show some love, fool!
Hey, Tim.
Damn! LittleJ...
you are lookin' mad fly, boo.
- You feel me?
- Sure, Tim.
I just bounced from this
mad, crazy, ill party, dude.
I was hangin' out with these niggas
over in Pleasant Oaks and shit.
You were hanging out
with real black people?
No, but they was blastin'
some crazy, phat beats, son!
They was pourin' out some Cristal...
breakin' off some endo smoke.
You know what I'm sayin'?
Just wildin' out!
- Yeah.
- Yo, I'm gonna score me a bag of Doritos.
Y'all straight?
Yeah? All right.
Code Two. Code Two.
Intersection of 12th and Grand.
We have visual confirmation
on the suspect.
- This is Unit One.
- Hit it.
All possible units, please respond.
And this booty that was like-
Yo, what the fuck is this?
- What's going on, Officers?
- The yarn store down the road was just held up...
by a young black male
fitting your friend's description.
What?
What are you- What are you
talking about? It-It wasn't me.
- No, it's not you?
- No.
Hey, Frank, you see any other young
black males here in Lake Shore Bluff?
- Don't see any.
- What?
- In the car, darky.
- But I'm- I'm not black.
I'm white.
My whole family's white.
My dad's Irish.
My mom's Norwegian.
We go to the Fourth Avenue Lutheran Church
where I help with the bake sale every Sunday.
Settle down back there, chocolate!
Let's stand right over here.
Don't worry about anything.
Nobody can see you.
Now, I just want you to point
to the perpetrator for me.
Him. That... Negro.
Okay, thanks.
We can go.
This is Dana Dobbs here
at Lake Shore Bluff...
where any second now we'll hear
the verdict in the Timothy Shanahan case.
Will the defendant please rise?
Ladies and gentleman,
have you reached a verdict?
Yes, we have, Your Honor.
We, the jury...
find the Negro... guilty.
There you have it. The Negro is guilty.
- Welcome to
Focus on Film with Kenneth Garber.
Hello. We are now a good
way through the film...
so we thought it would be a good time
to get some perspective on it.
And joining us to provide just that...
are Nicholas Van Essen
and Raymond Marcus.
Offer us, if you will, your take on
how the film is doing thus far.
I'll have to say, Kenneth,
that I am very impressed.
Sketch after sketch,
we're being treated to...
a brilliantly biting skewering
of contemporary social mores.
Well, Raymond, what do you think?
- I must strenuously disagree.
- Ah.
This is nothing but vulgar, low-brow,
potty humor thinly disguised as satire.
It saddens me that the Onion has stooped
to this lowest common denominator...
pandering to the masses.
Well, now for a third opinion...
let's go straight to the source.
We have with us here
in the studio a very special guest.
Welcome, Masses.
So, what do you think of the film?
It's pretty cool so far, I guess.
That Cockpuncher dude is awesome.
Bam! Right in the balls.
But this part, with these film-expert assholes-
I mean, why do you even have these two
gaywads in the movie for anyways?
Fags!
Lose 'em and let's get on
with the movie, dude.
Gentlemen, experience the majestic splendor...
of a cruise aboard the luxurious
Queen Nathan II.
On the Queen Nathan, there's so much
for today's gay man to enjoy-
shuffleboard, exquisite cuisine...
monster cocks.
Grab a pole and go deep-sea fishing.
Work those muscles
in our shipboard gym.
Enjoy our world-class spa.
Or take a thrilling
Las Vegas-style revue.
Yes, whether you want
to scuba dive, get blown...
or play blackjack
in our glamorous casino...
the Queen Nathan II's
got what you're looking for.
So climb aboard the Queen Nathan II.
And now it's time
for Little-Known Racial Stereotypes.
Yes, everyone knows that
Italians are all mobsters...
and Native Americans are all drunks.
But did you know
that blacks love taffy?
It's also true that Eskimos
run all the locksmith shops...
the Irish have enormous nipples...
and Puerto Ricans can dangle
from steel beams for hours at a time.
Damn, that's unbelievable.
- How does he do that?
- Oh, he's a Puerto Rican.
- Also...
- Y'ello?
did you know that the Dutch
enjoy speaking with telemarketers?
Visa? With a special
credit card offer?
Peruvians love to swoop in
and save the day at the last minute.
And they can shoot laser beams
out of their eyes.
And, of course,
all Arabs are terrorists.
Ah, stereotypes. Can you imagine
a world without them?
Okay, that must be our final player.
- Hi, Julie!
- Hi.
- Welcome.
- Oh, your house is so lovely.
Oh, thank you!
Come on in.
- Everybody, this is Julie.
- Hi.
- Pretty cute, huh?
- Hi, Julie.
Have a seat. So, I understand this
is your first whodunit party?
Ah, you are gonna
have so much fun! Okay!
With any luck, by the end of the night
we'll figure out which one of us did the dirty deed.
Any one of us could be the rapist!
- I'm sorry. Did you say "rapist?"
- Yeah. Yeah, I did.
Don't these things usually
revolve around, um, a murder?
Yeah, Julie, see,
we do this every few months...
and frankly, we were getting
a little bored with murder.
So I was like, " Isn't there some other
violent crime we can reenact?"
And I'm in the store the other day...
and I find this.
How fantastic is that?
So, anyway, Julie,
since you are new, luckyJulie...
you get to be the victim.
Okay?
- Ooh.
- So, I want you to put this on. Hop up.
Okay, so here's what's gonna happen.
The lights are gonna go out.
So, you lie down on the floor.
We're all gonna come running in, but you're
gonna be unconscious, so you stay down there.
Don't you think this is a little... sick?
Oh, sweetie, it's all in fun.
No one's actually raping anyone.
I mean, you wouldn't have a problem with
a murder-mystery game now, would you?
- I guess not.
- Yeah, so why would you object to a game...
revolving around a lesser crime
where no one even loses their life?
- Well, it's just different.
- Oh, "it's just, it's just"!
Come on, guys.
Let's play the game.
Get your cards. Okay?
CD in here.
You got that on, sweetie?
Okay, get down on the floor.
Get down on the floor.
Ready for a rapin'?
Oh, no, please don't rape me.
- Shut up, you bitch!
- No, no, please, Mr. Raper Man.
- Shut the fuck up!
- What are you doing?
Shut up, bitch!
- Oh, no!
- Shut up!
Wow.
" Oh, no. The sweet, innocent,
young daughter of Mayor Lewis has been raped.
Lock the door. No one is leaving
until we figure out who did it."
- Nice accent.
- Thanks, man.
Who committed this rape? Hmm?
Was it... the creepy uncle?
The handsome, young Ivy League
fraternity brother...
who's used to getting what
and who he wants?
Um, the prisoner
just released on parole? That's me.
Or the vaguely hermaphroditic
night nurse...
from the senior center
just down the block?
Ooh, he's so creepy!
Okay, come on. Let's play! Let's play!
"I was with my wife.
"Besides, that bitch has been
making up stories since she was four.
You can't believe anything she says!"
"I have 22 fraternity brothers
who will vouch that I was with them."
Oh, I bet you do.
Okay, time to spin.
Whoa, Julie, I know this
is your first time...
- but you're not acting very raped.
- Okay.
Oh, no, no, Julie, you can't stand up.
You've just been raped.
The rapist shattered
your pelvis with a baseball bat.
Um, I'm leaving.
Wha-What?
Where are you going?
Ju- Come-Julie, wh-
Now what?
I guess you guys are just gonna have to rape me.
Oh, no, please don't rape me.
Taffy?
God! Fucking blacks!
The nation's anti-tobacco lobby
won another victory today...
when Congress passed legislation
restricting smoking within U.S. borders...
to a single room in Iowa.
- Traffic was backed up from
Nevada all the way to lowa...
as smokers tried to get to the lounge.
Move the car,
you old, fucking bitch!
Smokers from across the country
are making the long journey...
to the 10-by-10 smoker's lounge
in Des Moines, Iowa.
I drove all the way from San Francisco
just to sneak a smoke in on my lunch break.
I'm supposed to be back
at work in 10 minutes.
It's a 37-hour drive.
It's fuckin' bullshit!
In legal news, a judge has declared
local aerobics instructor...
and accused murderer, Jennifer Porter,
too fit to stand trial.
Judge Edward Conlin
said that the suspect...
with her washboard abs
and powerful leg muscles...
is of too sound body...
to be tried for the killing
of her ex-lover.
According to a new medical study...
depression hits losers hardest.
The study found that extreme,
debilitating depression...
most commonly afflicts
those who are total screw-ups...
who can't do anything right.
Are you ready?
Oooh.
# Baby, when we kiss
my heart just skips a beat #
#And when you hold my hand
Oh, I can hardly speak #
# But there's one kind of lovin'
that we can't do face to face #
# So let me give you some affection
just below your waist #
- I like that.
- # Oh, yeah, I'm down on my knees for you #
# I'm beggin' please, please for you #
# Oh, got so much love
I need to show it #
# It's a big job
Don't wanna blow it #
# Oh, yeah
Oh, yeah #
# Oh #
# Baby
Down on my knees #
# Beggin' please, please ##
From Global Tetrahedron Pictures,
Steven Seagal is-
Hey, welcome to Volt Village. My name's Dirk.
What can I help you find today?
Hey, Dirk.
Um, my computer...
it's a few years old,
and I feel like I'm ready for a new one.
I got just the thing.
The Bates 4000.
Absolute cutting-edge.
These babies came in on Tuesday.
They're packed, man.
Eighty "G's" of RAM.
We're talking
a quad-port 900 processor...
D.V.K. compatible memory card...
dual-burning DVD drives...
plus a 16,000 C.T.C. combo-drive...
with a plus-four digital
upgrade card.
This will knock the shit
out of your ass.
Well, I'm just looking for your basic,
simple home computer.
I know, your wife has you
by the purse strings. But you know what?
This is the Bates 4000.
It doesn't get any better than this.
It's not going anywhere.
This is the future.
Well, I have the Bates 1000
and that worked-
Oh, excuse me.
You have the Bates 1000.
Oh, that's great!
Fuck, man, wow!
Maybe you should talk to a homeless woman
outside 'cause maybe she'll be impressed.
Those things are barbaric.
I mean, last time I checked,
they didn't even have a delete key on it.
I'm joking, of course. But look,
this is the future. You get my point?
- Yeah.
- Okay? Let's write you up.
- All right, let's do it.
- All right, my friend.
Wow, honey. Are you sure
we needed such a fancy one?
You kidding? This thing's got
a quad-port 900 processor...
and a 16,000
C.T.D. combo-drive with-
Dude, you're not still using
the Bates 4000, are you?
That thing's ancient.
- Really?
- Really.
You got to get you one of these:
the Bates 5000.
Absolute cutting-edge.
Wow, that is newer.
Thanks.
The new Bates 5000.
Throw your 4000 away.
It's a piece of shit.
This is Hard Drive Hal, your computer expert.
My guest today
is Bates C.E.O. Gil Bates.
Now, he's here to talk about perhaps
the most powerful machine ever built:
the Bates 6000,
and it's available in stores right now.
Asshole!
Hey, I just dropped off
a shipment of the Bates 7000s.
Now, what do you want me
to do with the leftover 6000s?
garbage where they belong.
That's right. Twice the memory
capacity of the 8000.
Mr. Bates, you have a visitor.
- Hang on. Come in.
Hi.
Bates was 42.
In other news, after a six-month
stint at the Betty King Clinic...
actor Bryce Brand
finally returned home today.
That's right, Norm. I'm here outside superstar
Bryce Brand's Hollywood Hills mansion...
where, at any moment, he's due to return
from his stay at the Betty King Clinic.
Bryce!
Bobby, baby!
- Bryce.
- Bobby, baby!
Bobby, baby!
- I'm back!
- You look great.
I cannot tell you how good I feel
now that I'm off the drugs...
and high on life.
Hey, that's what they're saying.
Oh, man, was I a mess.
But all that's changed now
that I'm clean and sober.
You know, I never knew how amazing
life can be without the haze of drugs.
It's just the little things, like...
smelling the flowers-
Or watching the sunset,
or just walking along the beach.
You know, these things get me
way higher than drugs ever could.
That's great, um, Bryce.
So, we have got a lot of
catching up to do with your career.
Now I brought a script. It is fantastic.
Actually, your part is comedic.
Uh, sort of a wise-cracking-
Bob, this chamomile is so amazing.
It is blowing my mind, man.
Smell this.
No. Thank you, though.
Um, back to the script.
Again, it took a lot to get this-
Bob, one thing sobriety
has taught me...
is that you have to take time out
to enjoy life's little pleasures.
Can you put the tea down for a sec?
- Bryce?
- Oh, my God.
- Bryce.
- Oh, my God.
The nation's rapidly growing
prison population...
which recently passed
the 20 million mark...
has created
a severe overcrowding problem.
In an attempt to alleviate
the overcrowding...
the government announced today
that a random selection of U.S. households...
will be asked to take prisoners
into their homes.
Hi. Uh, I'm Dick.
This-This is my wife, Sarah.
This is our daughter, Allie.
And this is our son, Bobby. He's 10.
Welcome to our home.
'Sup.
Don't drop this shit on me, bitch!
What the fuck are you doing? Don't just
stand there! Get your man something to drink!
Damn, it's good to see some women.
Mm-mm-mm.
Mr. Prisoner, my tattoo hurts.
Lights out, guys.
If successful,
another 20,000 prisoners...
will be moved to suburban homes
by the first of next month.
Hello and welcome once again
to Focus on Film.
I'm Kenneth Garber.
And I'm joined by Kwame Roberts...
president of the National Coalition
of African Americans...
and James Nakatami, director of
the Asian American Alliance for Equality.
Mr. Roberts, let's start with you.
Your organization is not pleased with
this film's depiction of African Americans.
Oh, that is absolutely correct, Kenneth.
We are just about halfway
through the film...
and we've yet to see a dignified
portrayal of a person of color.
So far, we've only been shown
as vicious criminals or sex fiends.
Just take a look at that last sketch.
So, what specifically
is your group demanding?
The filmmakers put a positive black role model
on that screen in the next 10 minutes...
or we will be organizing a nationwide
walkout of black moviegoers.
That means every single African American
currently watching this film...
will exit the theater.
Mr. Nakatami,
you are equally unhappy?
Thus far, there are maybe one...
or, at the most, two,
three Asian faces in the film.
How do you feel about such
gross underrepresentation?
Me no "rikey."
Excuse me?
Me no "rikey."
And... back to the film.
In legal news, local
is suing for the right to be
sexually harassed in the workplace.
Frankel, an employee
at Carl's Copy Shop in Phoenix...
alleged that during
his three years there...
not a single female coworker made
inappropriate sexual advances toward him...
either verbal or physical.
In other news, health officials
have confirmed...
that a potentially deadly
airborne virus...
has been spreading
across eastern Canada.
And is now moving south towards the coast of-
Hey, Norm.
Hey, Norm.
Okay.
- Oh, there goes Norm again.
- He looks pissed.
Onion tip line.
What do you got?
- All right. Listen to me.
- Hi, Norm.
Our job isn't to advertise our parent company's
movie via goddamn penguin.
Our job is to deliver
to the American people...
fair, balanced, hard-hitting news.
In this crazy world, the Onion may be
the only news source that people can truly trust.
Look, don't be so naive, Norm.
This is a business.
Listen, Norm. I know you're not
gonna want to hear this.
But the suits at
Global Tetrahedron...
want you to open up Friday's broadcast
with a slightly different lead story.
But Friday is the day
Azmenistan gave Sloravia...
as a deadline for pulling out
of the Uzbagiyak region.
It's also the day that
Cockpuncher opens.
I mean, this Azmenistani, uh, sloppy
ground thing is all well and good, right?
But it's a million miles away.
Nobody gives a fuck about it.
The more important news story
right now is Cockpuncher mania.
It's sweeping the nation.
And it better sweep
your newscast Friday.
Take a putt?
No?
You owe me a pound,
you son of a bitch. I made that last one.
From Global Tetrahedron Pictures...
- Steven Seagal is-
- Awesome!
Goddamn whorish corporate plugs.
I'm a newsman, damn it.
Oh!
- Cockpuncher.
- I don't think you have the balls.
Oh, I cannot wait for Friday.
- Excuse me, sir.
- What can I get you?
No, thank you. I don't drink,
or use drugs for that matter.
No. I was just wondering if you could
give me directions to the local library.
Um, two blocks down
and left on Second.
Thank you very much.
You have a wonderful evening.
Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
You have a wonderful evening.
Uh, help?
Has your penis become stuck
in a library book return slot?
Call Kostman's, the penis people.
We've been the tri-county area's...
penis retrieval
experts for 64 years.
We'll get any penis
out of any slot for $39.95.
That's my personal guarantee.
So don't just sit there hoping that your penis
will somehow magically free itself.
Call Kostman's.
- Dave got my penis out.
- Dave got my penis out.
Dave got my penis out.
Dave got all our penises out!
Kostman's, the penis people.
This week's campaign is gonna rule.
I can't wait for the assault
on castle Dragonflame.
I know. It's gonna be
super totally awesome.
I have a third-level elven cleric
I can't wait to pit against my foes.
Well, uh, don't count on it being too awesome.
Look who just showed up.
Well, what have we stumbled upon here?
Oh, shit.
Dare you challenge the might
of Proteus the Invincible?
Ah, I see there are some beardless saplings
with us this afternoon...
who have ne'er tasted my blade.
This douche bag ruins everything.
Prepare for total devastation.
The magical wizardry,
expert chaos techniques...
and incomparable equipment roster
of Proteus the Invincible...
will make short work
of all pretenders to the throne.
Okay, Lyle.
How's about letting some of
the younger guys have a chance today?
Okay?
When it comes to Wizards and Warbeasts,
I expect no quarter.
And none shall be given.
All right.
Now that I have readied my provisions
for the day's foray into the fairy realms...
let the slaughter begin.
None remain standing before me.
All have fallen before
the might of my broadsword.
Hope you're happy, Lyle. You just ruined
another Saturday for the whole gaming club.
What care I for
the sniveling excuses of the weak?
They shall bow before my wrath.
In the realm of fantasy, only the strong
shall survive to conquer another day.
Whatever.
Alas, the day's adventuring
is now done...
and I must take
the number two bus back home.
If only I could live in
the world of fantasy forever...
instead of being forced to
put up with this banal realm...
and its silly, weak-minded mortals.
Oh, how I wish I could live in
the realm of Wizards and Warbeasts...
ruling the land as
a mighty conqueror...
smiting orcs and ogres alike
with my trusty broadsword.
Proteus the Invincible?
- I have heard your plea.
- What?
- Who-Who goes there?
- It is I, Gygax, demon of the Astral plane.
Never before have I seen your equal
among the mortals that play this game.
What's going on? Guys?
I have chosen to grant your wish,
Proteus the Invincible.
Come forth into the land of legends.
God. Where am I?
Ow!
Oh, God. Where am I?
Proteus.
Prepare to piss thyself, human.
No, no, no.
No. No. No. No. Please.
Fucking geek.
After last night's heartbreaking
loss in Los Angeles...
basketball star Dashante Jackson
had harsh words for the lord.
You know, I'd like to put
the blame on God tonight...
for not blessing me with the talent to
hit the game-winnin' three-pointer tonight.
You know, without him,
I would truly be goin' to the play-offs.
Bitch, I don't know why
you do this shit to me!
In news from our nation's capital,
a group of Alzheimer's disease sufferers...
marched on Washington today
demanding a cure for pancakes.
Until this teakettle is cured...
there will never be enough
bread in the laundry!
Ding-dong!
Karate!
Give 'em hell!
Hi. I'm Michael Bolton.
Did you know that all over
the world...
there are millions of children
living in extreme poverty?
For more than 40 years, the What About
the Children Foundation has been making...
a difference in the lives of
kids throughout the third world.
And so can you...
by adopting a What About
the Children sponsor child.
But don't take my word for it.
Take Dibo's.
Hello. I am Dibo.
- Come.
- Thanks to What About the Children...
Dibo has seen his standard
of living soar well above the level...
of his pathetic
poverty-stricken village.
The What About The Children Foundation...
is able to provide
a child like Dibo...
with some of the little things
in life we so often take for granted.
- Thanks, Jimmy.
- Like electricity, fresh water, indoor plumbing...
a 42 inch plasma-screen television...
the latest Sony PlayStation
video game...
1,000 thread count
Egyptian-cotton sheets...
a subscription to
the Wall StreetJournal...
and selections from Marc Jacobs'
Men's Spring Collection.
Get your own sponsor family!
Thank goodness the McCormicks sent me
a security system to keep these animals out.
Thank you, Dibo. It's stories like yours
that make it all worthwhile.
In breaking news, we now join
Dana Dobbs in Lake Shore Bluff...
where a verdict has just been handed down
in the Timothy Shanahan trial.
Dana, what's the latest
on the situation?
Well, Norm, as you can see...
I'm here outside the First
District Federal Courthouse...
where this angry mob of Negroes
is rioting over the guilty verdict...
in the Timothy Shanahan case.
We will keep you posted.
- Thanks, Dana.
- Thank you, Norm.
Those crazy Negroes.
# Oh, when you love me right up front
You know that I don't mind #
Enter.
Pardon me, General.
Your meeting is about to start.
- #Take me from behind #
- Yeah.
So, as you can see, generals, Deathco
Amalgamated's M-47 "Jumpin' Johnny" land mine...
earned a triple-A rating in field trials
and boasts a 98% kill-through ratio...
making it the best land mine
for the government's dollar.
Nah, we're gonna pass.
Thanks anyway.
Fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Fuck, fuck!
You call yourself a salesman?
We spent $400 billion of the company's money
developing these land mines for the military!
You'd better find a way
to unload these things!
Tired of backbreaking yard work?
Then jump back for Jumpin' Johnny!
Jumpin' Johnny
blasts weeds to pieces!
Frags ragweed...
crabgrass, dandelions...
rabbits...
raccoons...
even elephants.
So, what are you waiting for?
Get Jumpin' Johnny today!
It's now time for our weekly
Inspirational Portrait.
This week, the Brendan Laroux story.
Brendan Laroux's story is one of dreams.
As a young boy,
he wanted to become a dancer...
but at the age of 12,
he lost his legs.
Now, this would be a setback
for any youngster...
but not Brendan, who set
his eyes on being a surgeon...
until, at age 14,
he lost his wrists.
Without my wrists, there was nothing
to keep my hands attached to my arms.
So, even though my hands were fine,
l- I lost them too.
Now, Brendan may not have had as many
hands and legs as the other boys...
but there was one dream
he didn't let go of-
becoming a professional
hockey player.
At first, the other players
treated him fairly.
But after seeing all the attention that
Brendan was getting, they became jealous.
The special treatment stopped. Brendan
toughed it out in the minors for two brutal years.
But it all paid off when
he finally got the call.
The coach said,
"How would you like to be pro hockey's...
first legless, handless player?"
It was an inspiring night, full of inspiration.
But then, two days later...
Brendan found out that
his rib cage was backwards...
leaving his spine exposed, and that
he needed a complete muscle transplant.
The risky surgery lasted 720 hours.
Brendan came back better than ever.
Brendan persevered
and was selected M. V.P.
Just when it seemed like the dark clouds
had finally passed, Brendan contracted scurvy...
went bankrupt,
and his wife was eaten by wolves.
He was also molested
by his Uncle Jerry.
Today, Brendan's journey
has opened the door for many athletes...
who never would have
been given a chance...
if he hadn't broken down
pro sports' physical ability barrier.
Athletes like Emma Heathcoat,
cerebral-palsy sufferer...
and three-time national
equestrian champ.
Blind stockcar driver,
Bobby Templeton.
Deaf Olympic sprinter Craig Connors.
Gil Sarinen, the world's first
professional comatose diver...
and, of course, Chicago
shooting guard Herbie Cohn...
who was born with Judaism.
Yes, none of it would have
been possible without Brendan Laroux...
a true Inspirational Portrait.
In adult entertainment
industry news...
the nation's porn stars
gathered today in Los Angeles...
in a unified demand for stronger,
more intense sexual intercourse.
Fuck me with your big cock!
- Give it to me harder!
- Fuck me till I explode!
Calling the tragedy a terrible,
unintentional mistake...
the Los Angeles Police Department
issued an apology today...
for the accidental shooting, clubbing...
stabbing, firebombing, choking,
impaling, electrocution...
and lethal-injection death
of an African-American man.
I'm Kip Kendall reporting
for the Onion News.
- As the conflict between Sloravia
and Azmenistan deepens...
college campuses across this country
have become a hotbed of political activity.
We're here in Santa Cruz, California today.
Let's listen in.
Stop the violence.
Stop the violence!
Increase the peace!
For the past three years,
Sloravia and Azmenistan...
they've been locked in
a pointless and bloody war.
Their cowardly leaders send
innocent young men into battle to die.
Well, you know what?
We need to put those leaders
in a room and let them fight it out!
And you know what else? What these countries
need to do, what they need to do-
- Th-They need to listen to
their women a little more.
Because women create life,
while men, they destroy it.
So, let's all stand up against
the corporate war machine...
that only exists to do
the imperialist agenda...
against the- the oppressed minority.
Right?
Love your brother! Peace! One love.
- Excuse me, Chad.
- 'Sup?
We're with the U.N.
And let me just say, we are very impressed.
What you said up there
was dead on, Chad. Dead on.
What?
We want you to negotiate talks
between Sloravia and Azmenistan.
Shut up, dude.
We're convinced you are the man who can
finally bring peace to this troubled region.
Will you do it, Chad?
Will you help us increase the peace?
- Fuck, yeah! Fuck, yeah, dude. I'm in!
- Great.
- Would you come with me, please?
- Yeah.
Your systematic campaign of aggression...
against my country is the reason-
Our military operations are purely
in response to your violation of the treaty.
- You are the one to violate the peace treaty!
- We?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys.
Guys, chill, chill.
Let's take a chill pill here.
Don't you guys realize that war, no matter
how justified it may seem, it's not the answer.
It's not?
No, man.
Love is the answer.
Now, let's get
this peace shit started.
# A baby's born
Old man dies #
# One child's laughing
while another child cries #
# Seasons change
right before my eyes #
# The sun comes up
The sun goes down #
# The world takes another
little spin around #
# The tide rolls out
The tide rolls in #
# Life goes on
And on again ##
In international news...
the crisis between Sloravia and Azmenistan
deepened today...
when the leaders of
the two rival nations-
Tomorrow is the deadline for Sloravia
to pull out of the Uzbagiyak region.
- If it's not our lead story,
consider it my resignation.
Cockpuncher mania.
Two minutes, Norm.
And now, the Onion News,
America's finest news source.
Honey, it's about to start.
Featuring Dana Dobbs...
senior correspondent, Kip Kendall...
- and award-winning anchor, Norm Archer.
- Good evening.
For the past 27 years,
I've sat at this desk...
dedicating myself to one thing-
delivering the news to you,
the American viewing public...
in the most fair, balanced,
serious way possible.
What's he doing?
Well, things are changing
in the news game...
and I've been under pressure
to change with them.
The powers that be at this network
have done everything they can...
to get me to compromise my values.
So what do they want me to do?
Plug our parent company's movies...
and other products like
a two-bit network news whore.
Motherfucker.
Well, I've been giving this
whole ugly business a lot of thought...
and just a few moments
before going on the air tonight...
I finally came to a conclusion.
And that conclusion is-
Nobody move
or the anchor infidel dies!
The Al-Q'Utaya
terrorist organization...
officially declares war
on the decadent, immoral...
United States of Satan.
We shit on your country!
And piss also!
That was good.
Tonight, on live television...
the American people will watch
this great spreader of Western lies...
get blown to pieces...
unless the United States government
formally apologizes...
for its rotting, immoral culture.
Like that's gonna happen.
Are you listening, Mr. President?
- We might be fucked, sir.
- We will do it.
We will kill him right here
if you do not meet our demands!
Oh, yeah?
I don't think you have the balls.
Cockpuncher!
Ahmed, it is the mighty
puncher of cocks.
I'm hungry.
I could sure go for a sundae
topped with... crushed nuts.
Yummy.
Cockpuncher!
Fuck him up!
Come on!
I believe you'll be
releasing Norm now.
Not so fast, Cockpuncher.
Cock blocked.
Those clever terrorists.
They blocked their cocks.
Maybe I can be of some assistance.
- Hit it, boys!
- Melissa Cherry!
# Oh, when you love me right up front
You know that I don't mind #
# But what I really want is for you
to take me from behind #
# Oh, when you love me right up front
You know that I don't mind #
- # But what I really want is for you-#
- Come on, Cherry.
# Oh, yeah #
What the fuck is going on?
Ahman, think unsexy thoughts!
Think unsexy thoughts.
Think unsexy thoughts.
Think unsexy thoughts.
Enough! Your immoral Western sexuality
will not work on us.
Mr. President, the time has come to
give in to our demands.
If we do not hear from you in 10 seconds,
we will kill everyone in this studio.
We might be fucked, sir.
Ten, nine, eight...
seven, six...
five, four, three, two, one!
- Not so rpido.
- Peruvians.
- Daddy, what's a Peruvian?
- It's kind of like a Mexican.
- Viva Per!
- Qu viva.
Cockpuncher, amigo-
You know, Ahman,
violence is almost never necessary.
I admit, I've punched thousands
upon thousands of cocks in my life...
but I've never killed anyone.
Because no matter what
your religion might be...
no matter
what your politics might be...
no matter how much
money's involved...
there's never any reason
to take human life.
Human life is the most
precious thing there is.
Fuckin'-A, man.
That's some cool shit, man...
You know what?
You are absolutely
right, Cockpuncher.
Violence is not the answer.
Terrorism never solved anything.
To hell with terrorism.
Yeah! Yeah.
I'm sick and tired of
living in a fucking cave.
I'm sick of doing nothing
but cursing the West all day.
Jesus H. Allah!
I like the West!
God bless America.
I like TV! And I like
bacon double cheeseburgers!
- Whoo!
- And I like the rapping music!
But most of all...
I like this big-budget
blockbuster action hero.
Long live the mighty puncher of cocks!
Qu viva!
Yeah! Whoo!
Hey, Norm. Some crazy shit, huh?
Look, with all due respect,
we just wanted to ask, um...
what were you gonna say
during your speech?
Yeah, we were wondering what
the conclusion that you came to was.
Well, I was going to say, " I'm mad as hell
and not going to take it anymore."
- But after what just happened...
- Shh.
I think I've learned a little lesson
I won't soon forget.
As a matter of fact, I think we've all learned
a few things in the past 90 minutes.
We've learned that Irishmen
have huge nipples.
We've learned that film-critic intellectuals
are a bunch of gaywads.
And, most of all, we've learned...
that creeping corporate
influence over the news...
protects us from terrorism.
Hey, everybody, we're all gonna get laid!
Um, I can't help but think...
it must have taken a lot of courage
to make such a provocative film.
And joining us
to discuss just that...
is the man who green-lit the film.
Thanks, Kenneth.
Pleasure to be here.
So, uh, now, while you gave the makers
of this film tremendous leeway, obviously...
still, there was some material
that you simply refused to allow?
That's true.
Basically, as committed as I was to letting
these guys be free to do their thing...
there were simply some images
that I just didn't feel comfortable with.
Mm-hmm. But I understand
you did bring some clips.
That's right. Uh, I would like to show
some special bonus material.
These are scenes that didn't
make it into the movie.
Great. Let's take a look.
So what we do is we get the kitty...
and we put it in
a simple egg batter.
Careful. Okay. Shh. That's fine.
And then we just simply roll it around...
making sure we cover
the whole thing.
It's all right, baby. It's okay.
Get him completely covered in
an her bed bread-crumb batter here.
I see. Okay. Oh!
Thank you.
And into- Oh- into the canola oil.
You know, I think you have to
draw a line somewhere.
# Oh, when you love me right up front
You know that I don't mind #
# But what I really want is for you
to take me from behind #
# Oh, when you love me right up front
You know that I don't mind #
# But what I really want is for you
to take me from behind #
#Oh, yeah #
#Oh, yeah #
#Oh, yeah #
# Oh, oh #
# Oh, when you love me right up front #
# You know that I don't mind
No, no #
# But what I really want is for you
to take me from behind #
# Oh, when you love me right up front
You know that I don't mind #
# But what I really want is for you
to take me from behind #
# I don't mind, no
I don't mind #
# Take me from behind, yeah #
# I don't mind, don't mind
Yeah ##
Are you ready?
Down on my knees.
# Baby, when we kiss
my heart just skips a beat #
# And when you hold my hand
oh, I can hardly speak #
# But there's one kind of lovin'
that we can't do face to face #
# Oh, no
So let me give you some affection #
# Just below your waist #
# Oh, yeah
I'm down on my knees for you #
# I'm beggin' please, please for you #
# Got so much love
I need to show it #
# It's a big job
Don't wanna blow it #
# Oh, yeah
Oh, yeah #
# Oh #
# Baby
I'm down on my knees #
# Beggin'. please, please ##
# Oh #
Shoot your love, baby.
# Tell me, why must you hide #
# That love
That love you got inside
Inside #
# Ooh, ooh #
# It's been building up
so long #
# Yeah #
# And that feeling's
oh, so strong #
# Oh, so baby #
# Shoot your love all over me
Oh #
# Drown me in a milky sea
Love all over me #
# Hey, baby #
# It's you and I
You and I #
# For eternity
For eternity #
# That's why you got to
shoot your love over me #
# Oh, yeah #
# When I look at you, baby #
# I see a man full of spunk #
# But what good is it to me #
# Locked away in that trunk #
# I don't need more roses #
# No, that would be
just reckless #
# The gift I want from you
From you #
# Is my very own pearl necklace
Oh #
# Shoot your love all over me #
# Hey
Drown me in a milky sea #
# Love all over me #
# Ooh, baby #
# It's you and I
You and I #
# For eternity
For eternity #
# That's why you got to shoot your love-#
For the Onion News,
this is Norm Archer.
Fuck you and good night.