Open (2023) Movie Script

[glam, synthy music]
[Emcee] Meine Damen und Herren,
welcome Kristina's
Glam Hallucination Band...
[electric guitar]
[fast-paced percussion]
I am open for anything
I am open
for anything
I am open for anything
except pain
Inevitable pain
I am open for business now
I'm waiting for
the big ka-pow
You want to love me
Without pain
Inevitable pain
I am open for anything
(Ooh, ooh, ooh)
I am open for anything
(Ooh, ooh, ooh)
I am open for
anything except pain
Inevitable pain
[electric guitar solo]
I am open like
the gates of Hell
I can infect you
I can be your t-cell
Like a mussel, rip
me out of my shell
Out of my shell
Without pain
Inevitable pain
I am open for anything
(Ooh, ooh, ooh)
I am open for anything
(Ooh, ooh, ooh)
I am open for
anything except pain
Inevitable pain
Inevitable pain?
Whoa, okay.
[distorted singing]
[electric guitar chords]
[Mexican music plays
on sound system]
[Woman] Ooh, Erik Leroux
[Man] The man
[Woman] I always want you
[Man] The myth
[Woman] Oh, Erik Leroux
[Man] TV legend
[Woman] A dream come true
Yeah, mm-hmm?
Yup, I'm Kristina.
And you are...
You are Erik?
Yes, uh, I, Erik.
Um, I know that
we've met before,
just not in this capacity.
And, um, I haven't
been on a first date
in a really long time.
Oh, I get it.
Believe me.
You can't be serious.
Kristina's okay with this?
Thank you, sir.
Yes, we're open.
So what are you doing wrong?
Why does it have to be about
me doing something wrong?
[smooth jazz on speaker system]
Maybe I wasn't as forthcoming
as I should've been.
Who is?
I mean, isn't that
what all this is about?
Sir, would you like
something to drink?
Uh, yes, a martini, dry.
Uh, shake it up really good
so there's little
ice crystals on top.
Not, not dirty, but a little
teardrop of olive juice.
But not dirty.
Uh, ice crystals
very, very important.
You know this is a Mexican
restaurant, right?
Yes, I do,
and you...have convinced
me to get a margarita.
Aejo tequila, por favor.
Are you wearing eyeliner?
[Erik] Uh...
quite the, uh...
left turn that order took.
Uh, yeah, well, we are at
a Me-xi-can restaurant,
are we not?
I've been on a couple of
dates, and nothing's stuck.
It seems like a lot of work.
A lot of work.
To get comfortable enough with
someone to sleep with them.
And what's Kristina's
experience like so far?
I don't know.
She's on her first date
tonight with an actor.
Go figure.
Yeah, you know, fame is...
It's a strange thing.
Uh, you know...
You want it.
And then when you get it, uh,
it's great for a while.
It is, and then...
and then you just...
Want people to leave you alone?
Want a normal life.
What's normal?
Yeah, what the fuck is normal?
Yeah, and then, uh...
and then when your star dims...
suddenly you can,
you know, go shopping
or go to restaurants and...
people stop
recognizing you or...
stop asking for your autograph.
And then you find out
that your longtime agent,
who you thought was your friend,
is stealing from you.
And then you're just
like, man, this,
this kind of sucks.
Your agent stole from you?
Yeah. John-fucking-Daigle.
I mean, I'm pretty sure I...
The thing is, the guy used to be
the hottest rep in town.
But now he's basically living
off my fucking residuals.
Fucking bloodsucker.'s all I can get.
Nobody else really
wants to take me on.
I used to be the shit.
I mean, I guess--
I guess I still am...shit
or I--good, I hope.
Do people who were once talented
ever stop being talented?
That's fucking existential.
I think I might be offended.
That you didn't approach me.
I mean, we're
already comfortable,
and it's not like we
haven't kissed before.
Interesting thought.
I guess it's not
against the rules.
Now I'd swear every time
we're cast opposite each other,
I could feel Kristina wanting
to grind my bones to dust
just for touching you.
Actually, that's kind of hot.
Scary, but hot.
[Robert] [chuckles]
What does that mean, exactly?
She's a formidable woman.
Yeah, but you were acting,
so it doesn't really count.
But I'm not really an actor,
so it should especially count.
Touch, yes.
Having said that,
I could definitely fuck you.
And that's when your father
grinds my bones to dust.
What would your husband say
if he knew you were
here with me right now?
He knows.
He knows?
Yeah, we're, um...we're open.
Oh, well, then...
what would he say if---
[tense music]
--I did this?
[music crescendos]
He knew it was a possibility.
[crickets chirping]
I'm a fan of possibilities.
This is why he have separate
fucking laundry baskets.
You don't know how
to do my laundry.
You shrunk my fucking shit!
Your laundry basket
was overflowing.
Oh, I'm sorry that I've got
a new Lakeview development
that's taking over 10 hours
of my day every day.
I am so sorry I don't have
time to do my laundry for you.
That's why I was trying
to do your laundry--for you.
You just love to remind me
that I can't do it.
I can't be enough.
What the fuck are
you talking about?
I can't do my laundry.
I can't be a wife.
I can't be a mother.
That is not what this is about.
It's not about that?
Fucking that!
You know exactly
what I am talking about.
No, I do not, because
I cannot read your mind!
I've told you a thousand times!
Oh, you can't read my mind?
Read this!
[siren wailing]
[punchy, synthy intro]
This isn't what I
thought it would be
This isn't what I
thought it would be
I guess everybody says that
But it doesn't make
me feel any less bad
Damn it to hell, this isn't
what I thought it would be
Damn it to hell, get
me out of this well
Meaning the shaft the
fates have flung me into
I've been here for a spell
Damn it to hell
Get me out of this
stinking, putrid well
I need some elevation
for my aspic to gel
This isn't what I
thought it would be
Why the shit did
my eyes fail to see?
I guess everybody
falls apart
I just wish I'd known
it from the start
Damn it to hell, this isn't
what I thought it would be
Damn it to hell, get
me out of this well
Meaning the shaft the
fates have flung me into
I've been here for a spell
Damn it to hell
Get me out of this stinking,
putrid well
I need some elevation
I need some
I need some elevation
for my aspic to gel
[fake British accent] Aspic?
Like meat jelly?
That's your lyric?
Yeah, so?
you wanna break up!
No, I just wanna pursue
this thing with Erik.
You're breaking up the band?
Erik is in the band.
He's an addition,
not an original member!
He can play.
That's what matters.
Stevie Nicks wasn't an
original member of the band.
I thought he was a stopgap.
Well, maybe so.
Who knows?
[Robert] And you
think the band dynamic
can handle this thing
with you and Erik?
Have you always
spoken in that accent?
What the fuck are you
talking about right now?
Hello, Kristina!?
Trying to have a serious
conversation with you here!
[whirring and grinding
become louder]
Wake the fuck up!
Shit? What's going on?
No fucking sleepovers.
This is bullshit.
It's okay, calm down.
Come here.
Just take my hand.
Erik, I gotta go!
I gotta go!
Chill, okay?
Everything's cool.
Everything is not cool.
Everything's cool
with us, right?
Um, I gotta go,
so I'll call you,
or I'll, um, text
you or something.
[door slams]
So, if we do this,
there'll have to be...rules.
Like what?
Like no sleepovers.
At first.
Or ever.
After two months?
After six months,
and never on weekends.
I don't know.
-What don't you know?
-Weekends are weekends.
We're freer, you know?
I would argue no sleepovers
on weeknights is better.
Less stressful.
So is Sunday a weekend
or a weeknight?
Well, Monday's a workday,
so a weeknight.
So that's only two potential
nights for sleepovers,
Friday and Saturday,
but only after six months.
Should I be writing this down?
The walk of shame isn't
a good look for you, babe.
What the fuck is that
supposed to mean?
I texted and called
and called again.
I was worried about you.
[Kristina] I fell asleep.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
Falling asleep wasn't
supposed to be an option.
I told you I thought the
sleepover rule was too strict.
Okay, but it's a
rule we agreed upon.
And you've been seeing
this guy, what, three weeks?
I just felt like you weren't
thinking about me at all.
Well, I guess I wasn't
thinking about you.
[maudlin music]
[strong electric guitar chords]
[romantic, jazzy
music on sound system]
What are you doing?
I don't know if
I'm ready for this.
For what?
You know, sex?
Isn't sex the point?
Well, yeah, sex
is the point, but...
I'm just kinda...
all in my head right now.
Okay, so let's talk it out.
We were friends first, Robert.
We can still talk to each other.
Kristina slept over at Erik's.
I mean...
she didn't stay the whole night,
but she slept there
'til, like, 3:00 AM.
So you're in your
head about Kristina.
I mean...
I guess?
That is very sexy.
I can't tell if
you're serious right now.
So, um, we can have a
drink and chat for a while.
But this stuff that was just
happening part isn't over, okay?
[music continues]
Hey, girl.
You sure you're okay to be home?
Well, I'm not okay.
But I'd rather be
not okay at home.
I'm sorry.
What are you sorry about?
Something's wrong.
[mocking laughter]
[tense, discordant music]
[birds chirping]
Daddy loves you.
[dog barking]
[upbeat music]
Hey, there he is!
Hey, fella.
These guys really
appreciate you doing this.
You know, we just
don't have the people
to get them the
exercise they deserve.
Yeah, well, I need them
as much as they need me.
Believe me.
Well, the other guys
are around the corner,
and I want you to please
consider adopting.
Hi, puppies.
Hey, buddy.
Hey, pal.
All right.
[music continues]
[dogs panting]
Well, maybe I should
adopt one of you guys.
I bet you wouldn't leave me
in the middle of the night.
[music continues]
[Megan] I'm gonna
hold you to that.
You're gonna owe me lunch, okay?
Hey, I'm getting hangry.
You wanna eat?
I really shouldn't.
This Lakeview development
is kicking my ass.
You know what my therapist
says about shoulds?
I bet I can guess.
Come on, girl.
Acting is 90 percent reacting.
A character receives,
a certain set of stimuli.
Stuff happens.
A person is defined by
their response to that stuff.
The level, the intensity of
a character's
activity or passivity
in response to the bullshit
that life and
circumstance throw at them
is the key to your
character's spine.
To their inner life.
To their emotional
and psychological core.
Make sense?
Let's do some scene work.
[birds chirping]
It was a total accident.
Maybe I had too much to drink.
And Robert was...
I mean, we have these rules,
but the rules are complicated.
Complicated how?
Okay, so not complicated,
but not easy to abide by.
[Erik] Robert, yeah?
[Robert] Erik Leroux?
Yeah, that's me.
Uh, I'm sorry,
this, this must be
pretty fuckin' weird
for you, right?
Maybe a little, yeah.
But it doesn't have to be.
Um, did Kristina tell
you I taught here?
No, no, I just, uh...
I never start seeing anybody
without stalking them first.
I know everything there is
to know about both of you.
I'm kidding, I'm kidding!
I'm sorry.
That's right, I can't shake
the cynical Hollywood
sense of humor.
I mean, yeah, you know
I'm an actor, right?
Yeah, yeah.
I, I've even, uh,
seen some of your stuff.
-You were good.
-Were? Were, whoo.
I guess it's, uh, never too
late for a comeback, right?
What can I do for you, Erik?
Erik and I had this
really great date,
and then we had sex,
and it was good sex
with someone who's not
Robert for the first time
in a long time.
And I guess I just relaxed
right into a deep-ass sleep.
Sounds to me like you
got your back blown out.
You got your back
blown out, didn't you?
I don't know that it
was that aggressive.
-You did.
Definitely got that
back blown out.
Look, I think she's
awesome, all right?
And I just wanted you to
know that the other night
was completely my fault.
I mean, I might've plied
her a little too hard.
You...plied her?
With alcohol.
Tequila, to be specific.
What about you?
When's the last time you
got your back blown out?
Um, it's been too long.
You know I am living
vicariously through you, so--
So we need details?
Is that what you're saying?
Mm-hmm, all of them.
[text chime]
-From the beginning--
-From the beginning--
-to the end.
-Which time?
I think Erik just
broke up with me.
I ended it.
[Erik] Yeah, I just--look.
I know you guys are
going through some shit.
I don't, you know--
I didn't want to be
the one that, you know,
stands in the way of
you guys reconciling.
I mean, I don't--I don't
wanna be the reason
that you guys get a divorce
or anything, you know?
Did she say divorce
was a consideration?
No, no.
No, I--no.
Look, I just--
I didn't want you to think
that there was anything
untoward happening know?
So I felt compelled to come down
here and let you know that...
that, that the other night
was completely on me.
You know? We got to
drinking and fucking--
uh, drinking with a
good-looking, smart woman.
And I kind of lost sight
of the big picture, so...
Straight up you can
just toss that cross
right over my shoulder, brother.
Well, I, I don't think a
crucifixion is in order,
but, uh, you know, Erik,
I really do have to be going.
I do appreciate you, uh,
stopping by my work.
Well, I think you and
Kristina are good people.
I really do.
And I think that good people
should stick together.
[upbeat music]
Kristina, you have got to learn
to cook for less than 20 people.
Perhaps she's, uh, preparing
for the eventuality
that someday, you know,
in the far, distant future
you actually have a boyfriend.
Oh yeah, like I would
bring anyone around
your crazy swinger asses.
What we're doing
is not swinging.
Maybe you could get Erik to come
over and finish off the rest.
[Kristina] Megan?
[whispers] What?
[Robert] Gravy.
Speaking of Erik...
[Megan] Boy, here it comes.
He, uh...came by
the university today.
So you ran into him?
Uh, no.
He was waiting for me
to get out of class.
Oh, so he wants to be
your boyfriend too!
[Megan] What was he doing there?
Um, he said he came to
tell me how cool you are.
Actually, how cool we both are.
And that's why he decided
to break it off with you.
[Megan] Stop it!
[Robert] I'm 100
percent serious.
He also wanted to apologize for
plying you with too much tequila
and causing you to pass out
at his house the other night.
[soft jazz playing
on sound system]
Why can't a girl
just fucking drink?
Why do we always
have to apologize?
Always worried about
what they think
And living life through
someone else's eyes
It's exhausting
I'm not doing this
for you anymore
I'm not doing this
for you anymore
I'm not doing this
for you anymore
I'm not doing this
What about me?
What about you?
What about me?
You're not the you
I'm talking about
Then who are you
talking about?
What about me?
You got to chase
your dreams, you know
But this little girl,
she had to grow up
I'm the one who
let it all go
She was who I was
I gave her up
It's exhausting
I'm not doing this
for you anymore
I'm not doing this
for you anymore
I'm not doing this
for you anymore
I'm not doing this
What about me?
What about you?
What about me?
You might be the you
I'm talking about
Are you the you
I'm talking about?
What about me?
[rock music]
[Emma] I'm glad you and
Kristina never came here.
I love hurling sharp objects.
So, uh, how did you
find this place?
Oh, you know, this is
where I bring all my dates
before I take 'em home.
[Robert] Hah!
I've always had good aim.
You should see me
at the firing range.
Pew pew!
I thought PDAs were
against the rules.
Some rules are, uh,
hard to follow, I guess.
What's Kristina done now?
[clank, clatter]
[Mexican music playing
on sound system]
Oh, hey.
Um, please?
Sure, okay.
I ordered you a margarita.
Gracias .
So I was surprised
to hear from you.
I thought you
weren't feeling it.
Like, you were just...
You were so upset when
you left the other night.
I don't want to...
be the source of that
type of frustration
for such a beautiful soul.
Look, I'm just--I'm trying
to be the good guy here.
At least, a better guy than
I have been in the past.
So it didn't stick?
The not feeling it?
[chuckles nervously]
Look, I was never
not feeling it.
I just...
felt like I was making
your life harder,
so I broke up with you,
then I wound up making
my own life harder.
I started thinking maybe,
just maybe...
that we could be an
escape for one another.
An island apart from
all of the frustration,
the hard...bullshit.
So, I heard you
went to see Robert.
Who told you that?
I'm messing with you.
You wanna talk to me about it?
What's to talk about?
That I ran into your
husband at his work,
and, I, you know, I
happened to mention
how amazing I think you are.
And of course, how
shitty I felt about,
you know, what happened
the other night,
you know what I mean?
You do know what I said, right?
So you just ran
into him on accident?
I mean, I was a guest
speaker at a film class,
and I saw him,
so I went over and I...
Look, I felt bad that I got you
in trouble with him, you know?
And, you know, the fact that
I was your teenage crush.
I kind of have this, you
know, ideal to live up to.
It's kind of cool,
anyway, don't you think?
That I was your
high school crush? here we are...
It's kind of badass, right?
Yeah, I guess it is.
Oh, I, I got something for you.
Oh, yes.
I carved it myself.
You know, they say an
elephant never forgets.
But that's not true.
It's the artist
who never forgets.
It's the artist...
who is both burdened
and driven by memory.
And I...
I see a great artist
you in, Kristina.
[music continues]
you are going to give an
undeserving idiot like me
a second chance, right?
[crickets chirping]
[creepy violin music]
So why am I not surprised
you can't throw an axe?
Is that a skill that normal
people are supposed to have?
I've missed this.
It is nice.
It feels like old times.
Nostalgia's a helluva drug.
What's changed?
You think we're getting better?
Maybe it's time we...rethink
the whole open thing.
Maybe it's the open
thing that's working.
I mean, adding some
mystery back into our lives
and bringing us back
together in the process.
Maybe it's a good thing to
remember who we used to be
before we were everything
to only one another.
I'm not sure it works that way.
[Kristina] We're
still figuring out
what works and
what doesn't work.
So let's ride this
wave for a while.
[Robert] Okay.
So, are you...
talking to anybody
new right now?
Well, not new.
What does that mean?
Erik called.
I met him.
He gave me an elephant.
Um, a little wooden one?
So I guess he's
not concerned with
being the reason for us
getting divorced anymore.
You didn't tell me
he said anything
about us getting a divorce.
I thought maybe you
said something to him.
About wanting a divorce? No.
I'm sure he was just
being hyperbolic.
He's an actor.
Or a liar.
You sure you wanna take
up with that guy again?
Is that a tiny pang
of jealousy I detect?
So why don't you shut up,
stop worrying, and kiss me?
And let's see where
that takes us.
[ethereal music]
[wind chimes clinking]
[birds chirping]
[Robert] Here you go, babe.
I'm glad you're...
Well, not dead.
I needed a change of scenery.
[tense music]
Do you wish we didn't try?
Do you?
I don't know.
I thought it was what I wanted.
What you wanted.
Something I...
Maybe I should just
get another IUD.
And not deal with it.
What do you want me to say?
Why do you always
have to say something?
[wind chimes clinking]
I've gotta get to class.
I'm going back to work.
They're planning a big
development in Lakeview.
Okay, when?
[electric guitar solo]
[upbeat percussive music]
[synth joins in]
[Erik] Now, I do
realize the only reason
you're even with me is for
my Himalayan rock
salt shot glasses.
And I'm totally okay with that.
Well, they do make the
tequila extra delicious.
But I gotta go easy
on these tonight.
We are tequila.
Tequila is us!
You know...
I've, uh,
I've always been
pretty leery about
meeting random strangers
on the street, you know?
Given my history and all.
We didn't meet on the street.
-We met at a dog park.
In spite of the fact that you
don't actually have a dog,
which is weird,
but also awesome
that you volunteer
playing with all those
homeless animals.
That day was pretty
awesome, wasn't it?
So, uh...
did you actually fantasize about
me when you were growing up?
-Is that a weird--
That's a weird question.
I shouldn't have asked that.
Um, yeah.
I did.
God, you are good for my ego.
My once fragile and bruised ego.
Well, I'm glad.
I'm really glad.
You know...
after everything
I've been through...
I've really only had one
person I could even turn to.
emotionally abusive
thief of an agent
who pretended to be my friend,
fucking Judas.
I just...
Uh, I just always felt like
something was missing.
When I'm with you...
I don't feel like
it's missing anymore.
That it's within reach.
It's like that thing...
that is within reach.
It's love.
[music continues]
You're not in love with me.
Why would you--
Why would you say that?
You can't be.
What, you don't
think it's possible?
I guess it's possible, but...
Well, you...
You don't think that
you're worthy of love?
No, it's not that.
I'm still married, remember?
Oh, uh, yeah, it's...
I mean, you love
your husband, right?
Why can't you love me?
It is possible to love more than
one person at a time, you know?
[mocking laughter]
[synth organ]
This isn't what I
thought it would be
I've heard that the
truth sets you free
Truth's a motherfucker
that's so hardcore
I wish it'd quit
running up the score
Damn it to hell
This isn't what
I thought it would be
[bluesy music]
[Robert] Yeah, after the...
you know.
The miscarriage?
[Robert] I hate that word.
I really...
I really, really hate that word.
Uh, but yeah, after that,
we needed...
we needed an infusion
of different.
Anything different.
Maybe somebody different.
But what the hell?
We're just blowing
the whole thing up.
This was that.
Whose idea was it?
I don't remember exactly.
Don't look at me like that.
I mean, I think it was her idea.
Admittedly, I didn't hate it.
I've been having sex with
the same woman for 10 years.
That's a long time.
Aww, without vaginal variety?
Yeah, there's no good
response to that.
So you think the movie star
is sketchy, eh?
TV star, and yeah,
he's either the most
considerate guy on the planet
or, uh, he's sketchy.
And I'm not a big believer
in human consideration
most of the time.
You all right there, cowboy?
How much have we had to drink?
Not enough.
[Robert] Okay...
[water running]
I need some elevation
for my aspic to gel
[electric guitar chord]
[door shuts]
-Oh, hey, beautiful.
Did I tell you my husband
works at the university?
How do you even know
what he looks like?
Uh, yeah, um, nah, you know,
everything's on social media.
You know, that's...whether
you're looking for it or not.
It kind of soaks into
your brain like osmosis.
So, Robert and I are
not getting a divorce.
You know that, right?
That's, that's cool.
[Kristina] You told
him you were worried
about being the reason
we got divorced.
I'm not gonna lie.
Look, I'm...
but a pebble that's been
tossed into your pond
with concentric circles
that move outward.
You never know
what's gonna happen.
You just know
things are changing.
If you're not getting
a divorce, that's fair.
But I do know that you will
be getting a lot of lovin'.
You're not leaving
already, are you?
I gotta go.
Well, that's the
pinnacle of suck.
[maudlin music]
[intro to Amigo the Devil's
If I'm Crazy ]
Don't act surprised
if I disappoint you
The poison we both
have inside is the same
Though we pretend, I don't
know that we both knew
There's no prize at
the end of this game
I gave up the ghost
a long time ago
It still haunts me
I'm a goddamn mess
for you to clean up
But I like it
And your dream turned
into a nightmare
When I crawled inside it
And the whole world
thinks I'm insane
And it might be true
But if I'm crazy
I'm crazy for you
And the whole world
thinks I'm insane
And it might be true
But if I'm crazy
Oh, if I'm crazy
If I'm cra-a-a-a-zy
I'm crazy for you!
[powerful, passionate
guitar chords]
[percussion and synth intro]
[electric guitar joins in]
Erik Leroux, I
wanted to marry you
But I was 17 at the time
Erik Leroux, you would have
loved that, wouldn't you?
Me 17, and stupid, and blind
Erik Leroux, you're still
charming, it is true
But you're creeping
me the fuck out
Creeping me the fuck out,
creeping me the fuck out
It's true
Erik Leroux
It's true
Erik, oh, Erik
It's true
[music powers down]
[pants, grunts]
[door opens and shuts]
[Robert] Hey.
You're strong.
[Emma] You mean
I'm an asshole?
-I'm sorry I got you drunk.
No, you're a blasthole,
because you're
a blast to be around.
You're lucky you're good in
bed because you're an idiot.
That's Kristina.
I am Kristina.
You know, you are not
like Jane Austen's Emma,
but you are still
You're also shitfaced.
The fuck is wrong
with you people?
A lot.
Have a seat.
Have a sip.
I should probably go.
This is messy.
It's all messy babe.
All of it.
[rock music playing]
Come on, friend.
Don't leave yet.
I need a drummer for my band.
You don't have a band.
Yes I do!
[tense music]
I made coffee.
All I could find was
the French press.
I've never used
one before, but...
I think I did okay?
This shit is strong.
How's Kristina?
Not great.
[tense music]
I just need to eat something.
[flushes toilet]
[synth intro]
Vomiting sucks
Vomiting sucks
Vomiting sucks
Vomiting sucks
Emesis is my nemesis
Vomiting really, really,
really, really sucks
Vomiting sucks
Vomiting sucks
Shit, I think I'm
pregnant again
How many are you gonna take?
Well, I figure I can
take these five today
and, um, two more tomorrow,
just to double check?
Do I have to be
here tomorrow too?
[timer dings]
Let me guess.
[Kristina] I mean, there's
no question, right?
Erik and I only
ever use condoms,
and Robert and I don't.
Don't be an idiot.
You know how
effective condoms are.
Were you screwing Robert as
often as you were screwing Erik?
Well, am I supposed
to keep track?
It's gotta be Robert's.
[emotional rock music]
You're sure?
I mean, I took, like,
37 pregnancy tests.
I mean, that it's mine.
Like, for real absolutely.
Yes, absolutely for
real absolutely.
I always used
protection with Erik,
just like we agreed.
Would you have rather I didn't?
No, I just--I don't wanna
think about you and Erik.
Well, it happened,
just like you and Emma happened.
Always with a condom.
So, it's yours.
That's the end of it.
This is what we wanted before.
I mean, it's, it's
still what I want.
Uh, it's just that I--
I wish we hadn't--
Been dumbasses and
opened our marriage
when we didn't know
what we were doing?
We were trying something.
I'm gonna tell Erik
I can't see him anymore.
You gonna tell him why?
You think I should tell him why?
Me too.
Look, Erik, I'm just
gonna cut to the chase.
I can't see you anymore.
I, uh...
I don't accept that.
What do you mean,
you don't accept it?
[Erik] Why are you saying--
What's making you
say these things?
My husband and I just aren't
cut out for this open thing.
We need to focus
on our marriage.
So I'm, I'm the pebble.
You're not the pebble!
Please, I'm in love with you.
You are in not in love with me--
[Erik] Let me help. Uh...
I'm so sorry.
What's this?
[Kristina] It's nothing.
It's nothing?
It doesn't concern you.
[Erik] There's a pregnancy
test in the purse
of the woman that I'm having
unprotected sex with,
and it doesn't concern me?
We didn't have unprotected sex.
-Yes, we did.
-We did not.
-You know we did.
-I know we did not!
Why are you saying
these things!?
Why are you saying these things?
Because you're
pregnant with my child.
Okay, first, even if we
did have unprotected sex,
-which we didn't--
-We did!
We did not!
It doesn't guarantee that
you're the father of the child
or that I'll even
carry it to term!
I mean, I have kind of a shitty
track record with these things.
I don't even know if
I want to chance this again.
[Erik] This is a guitar song.
[synthy rock intro]
Have you ever
wondered what you are?
Have you ever been
a TV star?
Have you ever fallen so
damn far from your dream?
Have you ever wanted a baby?
Have you ever
been called crazy?
Misunderstood from
a story in a magazine
Don't beat me up for
caring like a crazy fuck
Crazy fuck
My excuse is
fame and fortune
'Cause they've made
me a kind of orphan
They brought me to
my scabbed-up knees
My kindness ain't psychosis
You don't get
famous by osmosis
So girl, don't make
me beg and plead
Beg and plead
Don't beat me up for
caring like a crazy fuck
Crazy fuck
[electric guitar interlude]
I'm the father of
Kristina's baby
And lady, I don't mean maybe
What the fuck is going on?
He's not the
father, I swear it
But you took a
bite of my carrot
This really is
a terrible song
The both of you will see
I've gotta pee
You've gotta pee?
Are you okay?
I just gotta pee.
Truth's a motherfucker
that's so hardcore
Are you sure?
[Robert] That it's mine?
You're pregnant
with my child.
Rock on.
[rock music]
[Student] What would
I have seen you in?
Well, Family's Not What
You Think was the big one.
Uh, very big one, actually.
Um, uh, it's been
very good to me.
I still get residuals
from that one.
You guys know
what residuals are?
Yes? No?
[tense, buzzing music]
Oh, hey, mister brother
professor, sir!
There you are!
I'm ready to get started
whenever you give me the word.
What are we doing exactly?
Yeah, what are we doing exactly?
That is the question.
Uh, we'll kick it into gear.
Uh, well, first of all,
you kids need to
know that you have
one hell of a good teacher here.
I would've been so lucky to have
someone like him in my life
when I was your age.
But I had to learn on the job.
You know, just observe and grow.
You know what?
Let's do this.
Um, choose an animal.
Oh, can I be a platypus?
[Kristina] Mark, you're
not listening to me.
I'm trying to tell you
that it's not right.
I came back to work for
the Lakeview development,
and I'm not gonna put my name
on it if it's not perfect.
So here's the deal.
If the electrical isn't right,
then everything else is
pretty much fuck all.
I am sorry to be so colloquial.
But mull it over
and get back to me.
Preferably today.
Wanna lunch?
My stomach's still not right.
You wanna watch me lunch?
[phone vibrates]
[tense music]
I gotta call Robert.
It's fine.
Stop stressing.
Stop stressing?
Look, I just broke
up with the guy.
Okay, so he's acting out
a little bit, but he is--
An actor?
Right, that's what
you're gonna say,
like that's a good excuse.
I mean, I used to be an actor.
In fact, I am an actor.
That doesn't give me
the right to run around
acting like an
asshole all the time.
What, like right now?
[Robert sighs]
I just wish you hadn't
let that guy into our lives.
That you hadn't let him
in between your legs.
Oh, so we're slut-shaming now?
This isn't about you just
sleeping with...some guy.
-'Cause you slept with Emma.
-So did you!
I went out and slept with an
old friend because it was safe.
You went out and slept with
an ex-TV star sociopath!
You didn't sleep with
Emma because she was safe.
You slept with Emma
'cause she's the only one
who would say yes.
I just keep asking myself,
do I think this guy could
really be dangerous,
or is he more of like, um...
a harmless obsessive goofball?
Well, "obsessive" and "harmless"
don't really go together.
You are such a dick!
You know what I meant.
I mean, the whole thing with
Robert's class is just...
Yeah, it was weird.
At least he's focusing on
Robert now and not you.
[phone vibrates]
Does that say "Teen Dream"?
I should not have to explain
this to you of all people.
Maybe think about changing it?
Or blocking him?
You don't think I should
hear him out one last time?
I think you should consider
a restraining order.
[creepy music]
[line trilling]
How close are you?
[Robert] Close.
Don't stop anywhere
on your way.
[phone beeps]
[car chimes]
[birds chirping]
[music continues]
[Erik sighs]
What are you doing here?
[Erik] Well, you weren't
really returning my texts,
so I...
I realized I probably
deserve that.
I've been thinkin' a lot about
my behavior the other night,
-and, uh--
It left a lot to be desired.
In fact, I felt so
bad that I, uh--
I went and gave an
impromptu acting class
at your husband's school.
I heard.
You know that's weird, right?
Yeah, I've been told
I can be a little nuts.
Look, I, I realize you
probably need some time to...
figure all this out.
Figure what out?
I mean, you are having a
baby with a guy that you--
well, let's face it--that
you, you barely know, so...
Erik, you sound delusional.
I mean, you may be--
may be having a baby
with a guy that you barely know.
I mean, we won't really
know that it's mine
until we...uh, know that's mine.
-I'd like you to leave now.
-I'm leaving.
I just want you to know
that I'm here, okay?
'Cause I am here,
but I won't bother you
'til I hear from you, okay.
Erik, what the fuck
are you doing--
I'm leaving!
Hey, I really, uh,
enjoyed your kids.
Clearly doing a
bang-up job with them.
Kids are important.
They're our future.
I should be going.
Uh, god bless you guys.
Good people.
I'm out.
Kristina, you know
how to reach me?
What do you think it takes
to get a restraining order?
[motorcycle engine starts]
[Chief Steadman] Look,
do I even wanna know
how y'all got yourselves
into this shit?
What? What are you,
a detective now?
'Cause I could've sworn police
sign-ups have come and gone
without your name at the top
of the list again, Annie Oakley.
So do me a favor and butt out.
What I'm saying, folks,
is that the details...
let's just say they
might become significant
if we move further on this.
The hope would be the
restraining order
would put an end to it.
All right.
So what's his name?
Leroux. Erik Leroux.
Erik Leroux?
You mean the Erik Leroux?
The Erik Leroux from Family's
Not What You Think It Is?
That Erik Leroux?
It's just Family's
Not What You Think.
But yes.
[Chief Steadman]
I'll be damned!
Man, I love that show.
Kickass soundtrack.
[birds chirping]
Well, this is terrible.
So has Mr. Leroux threatened
you or harmed you in any way?
Well, not exactly,
but he did show up uninvited
twice to Robert's work,
and then yesterday at our house.
It's menacing, Dad.
It's intimidation.
He's stalking them.
He's made them feel threatened.
Oh, is that right,
Detective Steadman?
Are you prepared to
prove that case in court?
You're being a butthole.
I'm being a butthole?
Look, I took time out
of my hectic schedule
to meet with your friends here
about their celebrity stalker.
A celebrity stalker who I
happened to have once been
a huge fan of.
I don't remember you
watching that show.
Well, I used to tape it
every Thursday night,
and I'd watch it
after you went to bed.
I was always concerned with
adult content and the like and--
[Robert] Look, I'm
sorry to interrupt, sir,
and we are deeply
appreciative of your time,
but if you could just
give us a little advice
as to how to move forward,
we'll get out of your hair.
You getting impatient with me?
'Cause if you are,
you're walkin' backwards.
[tense music]
I'm just kidding.
[chuckles] Look, folks.
Whether we walk down this path
or not, that's up to you.
But I'm just telling you you're
gonna have to get more explicit,
meaning you're gonna have
to air your dirty laundry
in public, sweetheart.
Are you ready for
that, Kristina?
And that's all I have to do
to get the restraining order?
Honestly, no.
I don't think you have grounds
for a restraining order.
Mr. Leroux, he hasn't done
anything bad enough yet.
Of course, that's not
gonna be up to me.
That's gonna be up to a judge.
Now, what I recommend is we
put down a formal complaint,
get the evidence on
paper for the future.
[Robert] That's all you got?
She hasn't been harassed
or stalked badly enough.
But when it gets worse,
which it will,
we'll have a
restraining order on file
to prove she wasn't
making it all up.
-Robert, calm down.
-This is ridiculous.
[Chief Steadman] I'm
trying to help you, son.
Dad, are you sure you
can't push this through?
They're my friends, and
this guy is really creepy.
I mean, what if
it does get worse
and the restraining order
doesn't come in time
and Kristina gets really hurt?
What then?
Sweetheart, I'd like to help,
but the law's the law.
And we just don't
have enough evidence
for a restraining order here.
And besides, come on!
The man's a goddamn celebrity.
Honey, Jesus nor I gonna
be able to help with this.
Now, what I recommend we do
is everybody just calm down
and let's get this
paperwork started.
[Kristina] If that's
what it takes.
May I use the restroom first?
[Captain Steadman]
I'll show you where it is.
I gotta refill my coffee anyway.
Go on to class.
Call me after.
I'll stay with her.
Don't be judgy-wudgy.
Judgy-wudgy my ass.
Come on.
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
I love you guys.
but tense music]
Whatcha doin'?
Or maybe regretting my
childhood preoccupations.
One in particular.
Do you want to go through
with this pregnancy?
I completely understand
if you don't.
I think I do.
We should probably
get a DNA test.
-To confirm it's mine.
And if it isn't, what then?
I hear kids' Halloween costumes
are off the chain nowadays.
Whatcha doin'?
Last Halloween before
this room's a nursery.
-Last Halloween just us.
-It's okay.
Kids' costumes are
off the chain now.
And don't you think for a second
that our Halloween
tradition won't continue.
People actually might
think we're normal
playing dress-up
if we have a kid.
[playing tune on guitar]
Hey, angel.
Erik, we need to talk.
What do you need to talk about,
my...winged messenger of grace?
Stop it, okay?
Cool outfit.
Stop what?
Look, I don't think it's working
out with you in the band.
What's not working out?
Sometimes in life,
things just don't work out
the way that you envisioned.
And let's face it, you're
not even an original member.
I was here before she was!
Hey, I've been here
the whole time!
I just wasn't
being featured yet.
Do you even play the drums?
[fake British accent]
Look, we were trying something
and it failed.
It's not personal.
Oh, it's not personal?
How could it
[mocks accent]
not be personal?
-Erik, please.
-Please, what?
I don't know what.
I just thought it
sounded like a good line.
-You're not telling the truth.
-About what?
Gettin' loud there, cowboy.
Yeah, just calm down, okay?
Why are you holding a keyboard!?
I don't know.
Not like I wrote the scene...
fuck nugget!
Everyone just needs
to chill the fuck out.
We need to chill?
We need to chill?
Oh, I'm gonna chill all right.
I'm gonna be the
most chill father
a baby has ever, ever had
in the history of the
fucking universe!!!
[laughs maniacally]
He's a super villain.
[angry guitar chords]
[phone ringing]
[music stops abruptly]
[Robert] I'm almost there.
I thought we made the
appointment at this time
to make sure that
you could be here.
[Robert] I'm so sorry.
I got swamped with students
at the university.
I'm pulling into
the parking lot.
I'll be there before
they call you into the room.
Fine, just hurry, okay?
Oh, baby! Oh, hey!
Oh, hi!
Oh, what you doin'?
Didn't miss this, did you?
I am so sorry that I'm late.
Erik? How did you know?
What kind of father
would I be if I didn't know
where the mother of my
child was at all times?
And what day, uh, your
first big appointment was.
Erik, you are not the father.
I'm not the mother
of your child.
Why are you using
air quotes right now?
I just...
I realize that
you're upset, all right?
But whenever the
DNA test comes back
and reveals that I am
the father of this baby,
you're gonna be so
glad that I'm here.
In the meantime,
I'm just gonna hang
out in the lobby here
until we wait for the
results of your appointment.
No, get the fuck out
of here right now!
Don't you make me get a
restraining order against you!
[sinister music]
I'm kidding!
I'm kidding!
It's a--it's a joke.
It's the mother of my child.
Why would I ever want her to...
be away from me?
[Nurse] Kristina Corbin?
Yeah, that's, um, me.
I take it that is Robert?
I'm here!
Ow, awkward.
[Robert] I need you to be
completely honest with me.
I mean, more honest
than you've ever been.
I'm always honest.
And no, the answer
is no, I did not.
Why do men always knock
even when there's a doorbell?
It's kind of a caveman thing.
It's been goin' on
for a long time.
Try it.
Hi! What's wrong?
Did you beat the livin'
shit about of Erik Leroux
in front of four
or five witnesses?
[Robert] What's going on?
Well, nothing, except
that Mr. Leroux
has filed an assault
charge against your wife.
[Kristina] That's
not what happened.
Well, pray tell, I'm all ears.
[Emma] Should we maybe
take this inside?
[Chief Steadman]
So how do you reckon
he found out where
your gynecologist is
and what time your
appointment was?
[Kristina] I mean,
he's following me.
You sure about that?
Either one of you
see him following you?
Kristina, can I see your phone?
What are you doing?
I just wanna check something.
[Emma] You shared your
location with him.
I would never have done that.
I don't even know how.
Or he filched your phone
while you were indisposed
and shared it with himself.
Detective Emma, that's me!
[twangy guitar intro]
It's a harder to be a woman
than it is to be a man
All us women are out here
doin' the best we can
They don't believe you
when you have a stalker
Even if the shit's
already hit the fan
It's why it's
harder to be a woman
Than it is to be a man
It's harder to be a woman
than it is to be a man
You gotta fight for your
reproductive rights
At some penis's command
They'll call you a bitch
when you're assertive
When you're just
trying to take a stand
That's why harder to be a
woman than it is to be a man
[ethereal, country-ish
[music crescendos]
It's harder to be a woman
than it is to be a man
Sure, I've made mistakes
and I'm not always Jake
And that's just how it lands
But if I was Jake,
it'd be easier
'Cause I could wave my
little cock in my hand
That's why it's harder to be a
woman than it is to be a man
That's why it's harder to be a
woman than it is to be a man
That's why it's harder
To be a woman
Harder to be a woman
Than it is to be a man
[knocking on door]
That bad, huh?
Just resting my neck muscles.
Holding my head up is becoming
increasingly difficult.
You could try shaving your head.
I've been charged with assault.
I am an assaulter.
And I have to go to court
to answer for these charges.
What am I gonna say?
That the guy was a stalker
and you feared for your safety.
I shared my location with him.
No, you didn't.
[Kristina] That's how it seems.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
[Megan] You're hungry.
And it is lunchtime.
Come on.
Let's go figure
this out over a panini.
Is, uh--is this the
Corbins' residence?
Uh, yes?
Kristina Corbin?
That's my wife, yes.
I'm John Daigle.
I'm an associate of Erik Leroux.
An associate?
Uh, well, like a--
an agent?
Uh, but whatever
that's worth nowadays.
But look, I am, um...
I'm here because I'm
both concerned about
Erik's mental health and your
wife's...regular health.
Look, I'm sorry.
My brain is oatmeal right now.
Do you happen to have,
like, a club soda?
Maybe a lime?
The air travel kind of
got me parched a little bit
and I'm trying to--
[clears throat]
Uh, yeah!
Come on in.
Thank you.
I should not have
worn this belt today.
Bad idea.
You sure you okay?
I'm good.
My car's, like, 20 feet away.
I'll call and
check on you later.
[Kristina] I'm good.
Venting today helped, though.
Thank you.
-Okay. I love you.
-I love you too.
[tense, synthy music]
[grunts] I'm so sorry!
Jesus Christ, man!
I really am so sorry.
[muffled screams]
[tires screeching]
[phone vibrating]
[phone beeping]
She's not picking up.
Hey, look, look,
I, I could be wrong.
Erik, it's just he has a history
of over-the-top behavior.
Over-the-top behavior?
He'd call me, and after
hurling his standard,
unsubstantiated accusations,
he'd say he's never loved
a woman like Kristina.
That she was the, uh...
the star around which
his formerly useless
planet revolved.
You know, he can be histrionic,
but yet poetic at the same time.
[sighs, chuckles]
That's not poetic.
I mean, come on.
Good people can disagree.
Look, man, my wife is
in real trouble here.
You trying to be funny?
Look, I'm sorry, man.
It's just a--
It's just a defense mechanism.
Well, you-- [sighs]
All right, look, let me just--
I need you to take
me down a notch.
You got some vodka,
or, I don't know...
Got some vodka?
I came immediately because
I think you're right.
Erik was once a good guy,
and he made me a lot of money.
Just a lot of money.
I just don't know where
his head's at anymore.
So, uh, why did
you come here first
instead of going to Erik's?
[tense music]
I did go to Erik's.
He wasn't there.
He's not answering
my calls either.
[music intensifies]
This is a love song
[tender electric
guitar intro]
So much shit in this world
Fallin' down on our heads
Like rancid rain
So much shit in this world
Rising up from the sewers
Bacteria and pain
So much fecal matter
in this world
Clouding your
computer screen
Forcing you to
scratch and claw
A coprophagic wolverine
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
We got trouble
But love is a
shit-proof bubble
Oh, oh yeah
Let's ascend from the rubble
Mm, in a love that's
a shit-proof bubble
What am I doing here?
You're exactly where
you're supposed to be
I think we're
in trouble here
And the savior
from the shit is me
And you
But not you
In our shit-proof bubble
In our shit-proof bubble
Now for a badass guitar solo.
[electric guitar solo]
In our shit-proof bubble
Wouldn't we be clever
In our shit-proof bubble
You and me, we're clever
In our shit-proof bubble
In our shit-proof bubble
Uh, two things.
First of all,
I, uh--I dropped
the assault charges
because I realize I
might've been being
a little bit dramatic,
you know?
It's, it's what we do--
And second of all,
I looked it up online
and made sure I used the
minimum dose of chloroform
as to not risk the health
of our...little one.
Yours too!
Yeah, my star.
My...incandescent star.
You're sweaty.
Look, if it'll set
your mind at ease,
I got one of my best officers
sitting outside his house.
Can't they go inside?
See if he has a
basement or something?
I don't think he has a basement.
And you are exactly who?
-I'm his agent.
You mean like a manager
or like Colonel Tom Parker
was for Elvis?
Well, more like a steward.
Well, Mr. Steward, were
you there from the beginning?
From the Family's Not
What You Think It Is times?
It's Family Is Not
What You Think!
This kind of stuff's important.
I gotta know how long this man's
had a relationship with--
I want you to take a
statement from this man.
Sir, I want you to tell
her every single thing
that you said with Mr. Leroux
on that last phone call.
I want you to write it all down.
Yes, sir.
[clears throat]
[doorbell rings]
[strums on guitar]
Holy shit.
You can really play guitar.
It's what Hollywood expected
of all of us bad boys
back in the day.
But you know,
I'm glad I bowed to
the industry standard.
I always, uh, wanted
to start a band.
I just never really knew
how to make it materialize.
Erik, this is batshit.
I'm scared.
You gotta let me go.
You're my star
My burning,
incandescent star
No, I'll never let you go
No, you'll never be far
"Burning" and "incandescent"
mean the same thing.
Your lyrics are even dumber than
the ones I hallucinated for you.
You hallucinated me?
See, I am seared
into your brain.
I knew it!
Or it means I have deep-seated
psychological issues.
Look, we're friends
with the police chief.
You're gonna go
to jail for this.
You know what?
Just shut up!
Shut, shut up!
Stop calling me that,
you fucking maniac!
[Chief Steadman] So it
was in the parking garage.
So much for pinging
the cell phone towers.
What about his phone?
My wife's life could
be in danger here.
You need to calm your
ass down, Mr. Corbin.
Now, we're doing everything
we can for you and your wife.
And look, I gotta
ask you something,
and I don't want you
goin' apeshit on me now.
Do you think that
there's any possibility
that your wife would've went
off with Mr. Leroux on her own?
No, absolutely no way.
No way.
Are you sure?
There's absolutely
no fucking way
she would've ran off
with his crazy ass.
Hey, can we just,
just put a pause button
on the name-calling?
Erik is my friend.
And, and we still don't know
what, what's happening here.
We know he's fucked in the
head, and so did Kristina!
[Chief Steadman] Certitude.
That's a very interesting
and rare quality, Mr. Agent.
John. John Daigle.
Whatever you say, Mr. Dingle.
[Erik] I'm, at the very least,
going to get you to admit
that we had unprotected sex.
Erik, we never
didn't use condoms!
What the fuck!?
C-c-calm down, my star.
We don't wanna do any
harm to our unborn baby.
My baby.
The one that you're
carrying inside you.
And...the one that
you're going to admit
that you are fucking
thrilled about!
No, I am not.
And even if I admit any
of it, it's under duress.
People will say
anything under duress.
What are you trying
to accomplish here?
Which is why I went online,
and I found a little thing
called sodium thiopental,
also known as sodium pentothal,
also known as truth serum.
Did you know that?
Of course I know that.
Anybody who's seen a
spy movie knows that.
That's amazing what you can
get on the street these days
if you have the
right connections.
And I have some connections
back from my wild days.
This, this is a barbiturate,
so it passes through
the blood-brain barrier
relatively quickly.
But it also metabolizes fast.
You know, not to risk doing
any harm to the fetus.
At least, that's
what I read, anyway.
So you're on a website that
discusses dosing pregnant women
with barbiturates?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Shhh! Just, yeah,
something's wrong with me.
There has been for
quite a while now.
I, uh...
Emptiness, you know?
I, I feel full, you know?
And I'm not about to risk
losing that fullness,
even if it means that I have
to force you to tell the truth.
Hey! Hey!
[sinister music]
Gotta let that kick in.
There are no cameras
in the garage, either.
Cheap-ass motherfuckers.
What are our options?
Right now, it's a lot
of hurry up and wait.
And we don't have
any concrete evidence
there's been a crime committed.
Now, come on.
Look, I know it's
not what you wanna hear,
but that's the way it is.
[phone vibrates]
Who's Teen Dream?
[Megan] Shit, that's him.
Should we--should we answer it?
Give me the call.
No no, put it on speaker.
Well, hello!
This is police captain
Edgar Steadman.
Who do I have the
pleasure of talking to?
[Erik] Oh, Captain. Hello.
Uh, my name is Erik Leroux.
I was just trying to
reach my girlfriend.
She's not your girlfriend,
you worthless piece of shit!
[Erik] Is that someone
screaming in the background?
Everything okay where you are?
Yeah, everything's okay here.
And by the way,
I'd like to mention,
I'm a big fan of yours,
in case you can
hear it in my voice.
[Erik] You're too kind.
[Chief Steadman] Now, that
woman you're referring to
as your girlfriend,
will that be Kristina Corbin?
[Erik] Uh, yes, sir.
We're going to have
a baby together,
so I'm kind of
worried about her.
Yeah, we got a few
folks around here
worried about her as well.
So what you're saying is you
haven't seen her in a while?
[Erik] God, Cap.
You're really scaring me here.
Wait, do you know something
that I don't know?
Last time you saw her,
everything was okay
between y'all?
[Erik] Absolutely.
So how come you filed that
assault charge against her?
[Erik] That...
It was a misunderstanding.
I felt like such an
ass for doing that.
Kristina's the best thing that's
happened to me in a long time.
So please do let me know
if you hear anything.
Look, I really have to go.
I'm, I'm too upset
to talk any longer--
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hold on a minute
there, Hollywood.
I still got a few more
questions I need to ask you.
[Erik] I'm sorry, Cap.
My, my heart's in my throat.
I can't muster anything further.
Godspeed my ass.
Here, take this
down to the station
and see if we can get an
address from that call.
No, no, no, there's no need,
'cause I think I
know where he is.
Erik always liked
working with his hands.
He used to have, like, a metal
and, uh, woodworking warehouse.
He used to make these, uh...
these--like, these adorable
little wooden animals.
All right, copy that.
He was seen by the
Warehouse District,
and he's definitely
got a woman with him.
Can you find it, John?
[upbeat acoustic guitar music]
Why are you laughing?
Why are you laughing!?
I think your drug is working.
And you're still not
my baby's father.
Shut up.
My family is coming for you,
and it's not gonna
be what you think.
-Shut up!
[upbeat, sunny
electric guitar intro]
Ha ha!
[whole band joins in]
You're not in
the band anymore
You never really were
You're not a TV star anymore
You mean nothing to her
You're not flavor
of the week anymore
You're not the
guy with the girl
You're a sad, deranged
has-been to the core
So sit on it and swirl
[upbeat, sunny interlude]
Kristina, my love,
I will find you
We'll overcome this
dickhead that binds you
Our family is not
what we thought it was
But it's ours
Don't you dare use the name
of my show in your song
I didn't, I was
riffing on it
You ding-dong
But let me be
clear, motherfucker
This is our family
The hell it is
You're the one who will see
[digital sounds]
[powering up]
[action music]
We may not be perfect
But we damn sure
ain't some jerkfest
This is our family, and
it has been all along
I can't conceive
of not trying
And I know now
I'm not flyin'
Maybe being
imperfectly perfect
Is what makes us strong
[Chief Steadman] All right,
I'm gonna twist a few arms,
and then I'm gonna reach out to
an old fishin' buddy of mine,
Judge Warson, see if I
can get a search warrant.
In the meantime, I want y'all
to do absolutely nothin'.
[Emma] Yes, Dad.
Pinkie promise.
-Now look,
I am not gonna have
y'all goin' off half cocked,
somebody getting hurt or killed!
So you do think he's dangerous?
How the hell would
I know, Mr. Corbin?
I just knew the man from TV.
Now, look.
You give me an hour,
hour and a half,
I'll get your wife back.
But that clock
doesn't start tickin'
'til I get my pinkie promise.
And one other thing.
Leroux reaches out to anybody,
you let me know right away.
You copy that, Mr. Daigle?
Scout's honor.
[crickets chirping]
We should all go in one car.
Okay, yeah, maybe someone
should stay behind
and, you know, mind the house.
Mind the house?
Okay, that sounded dumb.
But this is also dumb!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what
if we, uh, we get there,
and, uh, he has, you know,
uh, weapons and things?
[cocks gun]
We'll be prepared.
[tense music]
I'm so sorry I hit you.
I don't know what I'll do.
There's something wrong with me.
I think I'm losin' it.
Look, you gotta--you gotta
let me make it right.
I, I can make this right.
[pants, snorts]
The only thing I
ever wanted to be
was just to be a good man.
To be a good father.
Everybody wants something
or someone they can't have.
I wanted things too,
but they never
fucking materialized.
I always wanted to live
this rock-and-roll life.
I wanted to front a band
and have sex with
movie stars and all that.
I never wanted to settle down.
But when I did, even then
it wasn't what I
thought it would be.
But now I know that you
can be a wife and a mother
and a friend and an architect
and a rock star
all at the same time,
if you're just willing
to do one itty-bitty,
but still really big
at the same time thing.
What? What is it?
Rock out.
Just rock the fuck out.
Rock out?
What does that even mean?
Come here, I'll tell
you, but it's a secret.
Sometimes when
you're rocking out,
you know what you gotta do?
[rock music]
[pants] Now what?
[John] I know where it is.
I've been there.
I mean, maybe
during the daylight,
but I think I can find it.
Okay, so what do we do next?
I mean, I know, I gotta feel it.
I gotta get it back in my bones.
So feel it, let's go.
Y-you know what would help?
Is if I got in the front seat.
Not happening.
[upbeat music]
[John] There. There it is.
The lights are on.
Turn off your headlights.
I can't. They're automatic.
Fine, just drive slowly.
That's his motorcycle.
[crickets chirping]
-I'm gonna do some recon.
-Not by yourself you're not.
Chill the fuck out.
I can take care of myself.
I'll be right back.
[whispers] She's ballsy.
I think I like it.
-What she doin'?
-She's doing recon.
[tense music]
Let's go.
[discordant blast of music]
-It's Kristina. She's hurt.
-I'm going in there.
Hey, wait.
I didn't see him.
We don't know where he is.
We can't all go
in the main door.
He could be waiting
to ambush us.
I think it's another
entrance around back,
but I...
Look, I don't know.
I don't remember.
Come on.
We'll find it together.
[John] Good.
I wanted her as my partner.
Give us five minutes
to get around there,
then try that door, but go slow.
[crickets chirping]
No offense, but I wanted her
as a partner too.
[tense music]
[crickets chirping]
I think it's been five minutes.
We gotta go.
What, you don't
think we should get,
like, a weapon or something?
No, there's no time for that.
We just have to stay focused.
Oh, hell no!
At least do the key thing.
-The...key thing?
-Just give me your keys.
[tense music]
[music continues]
[knife unsheathed]
[Megan] Is that a
fucking machete?
No, it's a ma-ch-ete .
Son of a bitch!
Hey, Erik, stop this now!
Put the fucking machete down
or things are gonna
get real ugly for you.
It's ma-ch-ete , and I...
What are you doing
here with these people?
You betrayer!
You, you, you...
Why would I be surprised?
I know you've had it out
for me for a long time now.
Look, man, what I know
is that you have some
heinous shit going on right now.
You, you kidnapped
a pregnant lady
and you currently have a
machete to a man's windpipe.
That's fucked up!
You can see that, right?
It's ma-ch-ete !
What the fuck is
wrong with you people?
You know what?
Sometimes, you gotta do
crazy things for love.
And this man is
standing between me
and the woman that I love.
Everybody stop talking!
This is the last time
I'm gonna ask you
to put that blade down.
Emma, do not fire that gun.
You gotta trust me, Robert.
I'm gonna cut his throat.
What the fuck was that?
I thought you were a badass!
Everybody shut up!
Shut up! All right?
Look, you've made a
serious mistake here, huh?
A very, very serious mistake.
Because a man with a purpose
is fearless and unstoppable,
and I'm about to show
you in vivid detail
exactly what that means!
Erik, wait, you're the father.
You are the father my baby.
I didn't wanna admit
it, but deep down...
I feel it.
And I wanna do everything I can
to give this baby
the family it deserves.
But if you kill him,
that won't include you
because you're
gonna go to prison
for a long, long time, or worse.
So please just let him go,
and we can work this out.
[tender music]
Am I real--
Am I really the father?
Well, you'd be willing to...
You'd be willing to be with me?
If that's what it takes...
It's like your show.
Family is not always
what you think.
Oh! Oh!
Oh, shit, shit...
Fucking son of a bitch!
You son of a bitch!
First, you kidnap
my best friend,
then you pull a machete on me!
I will beat your
ass into the floor!
Okay, stop!
Stop, lady!
I said what I had to say.
You know that, right?
I know.
Hey, hey, hey!
Stop, stop, stop!
Give him a minute!
Please! God, please!
I can still parlay this
into a few more roles!
I mean, of course when you
get out of jail, of course.
But, uh, hey, listen...
Hollywood loves a
rehabilitation story, okay?
We should go to therapy again.
[sirens wailing]
[sirens wailing]
I think I'm about
to get yelled at.
Nobody move a goddamn muscle!
Keep an eye on these
Hollywood assholes.
[Erik whimpers]
Daughter, I swear before God
if that is my Glock 26
in your hand,
you are grounded from now
'til the end of time!
[synth organ music]
You wing him like that?
Just wanna let y'all know...
band's about to get
a little bigger.
Come on out, y'all.
You know, we never did think
that we were gonna get that
guitar thing in order.
But here we are.
[glam synthy music]
[strong guitar chord]
Sometimes you don't know
what's right for you
But try not to be an asshole
The world can be
such a fright for you
But you can't
control who you love
[percussion kicks in]
You can't make
somebody love you too
You don't get to
call all the shots
If family is not
what you think it is
You've just gotta
find the right squad
And grab love by the balls
But don't twist 'em too hard
When you feel small
Crawl that impossible yard
Give it your all
Every caress and regard
You must grab love
Grab love by the balls
Sometimes connection
is hard to find
That doesn't mean
it's not there
Just don't kidnap
pregnant ladies
Actually, don't
kidnap anyone anywhere
Grab love by the balls
But don't twist 'em too hard
When you feel small
Crawl that impossible yard
Give it your all
Every caress and regard
You must grab love, darlin'
Grab love by the balls
[electric guitar solo]
Sometimes you think
you're the pebble
But most of the time,
you're the stream
Love ain't no hallucination
It's a glam band fever
Grab love by the balls
But don't twist 'em too hard
When you feel small
Crawl that impossible yard
Give it your all
Every caress and regard
You must grab love, darlin'
Grab love by the balls
But don't twist 'em too hard
When you feel small
Crawl that impossible yard
Give it your all
Every caress and regard
You must grab love, darlin'
Grab love by the balls
Keep rockin' out.
[electric guitar intro]
It may not be what it seems
But we share each
other's dreams
We come to play our part
Because we know
just who we are
A family's not what
you think it is
A family's not
what you think
But it's ours
[synthy intro to
cover of If I'm Crazy ]
Don't act surprised
if I disappoint you
The poison we both
have inside is the same
Though we pretend,
I know that we both knew
There's no prize at
the end of this game
I gave up the ghost
a long time ago
It still haunts me
I'm a goddamn mess for you
to clean up, but I like it
And your dream turned
into a nightmare
When I crawled inside it
And the whole world thinks I'm
insane, and it might be true
But if I'm crazy
I'm crazy for you
We live in a castle
made out of sand
Stood there and wondered
how much you can stand
Both of us float in
the same kind of dark
But I was the storm and
you were always the ark
You've already heard
everything that I've said
I'm a man of my word,
and that word is regret
So if I cut my lip
when I bite the glass
Tell everyone in the
room that I'm fine
Hurt for the first
few times, but at last
I've learned to love
the blood in my wine
I'm a goddamn mess for you
to clean up
But I like it
And your dream turned
into a nightmare
When I crawled inside it
And the whole world
thinks I'm insane
And it might be true
But if I'm crazy
Oh, if I'm crazy
If I'm cra-a-a-a-zy
I'm crazy for you!
I'm a goddamn mess for you
to clean up, but I like it
And your dream turned
into a nightmare
When I crawled inside it
And the whole world
thinks I'm insane
And it might be true
But if I'm crazy
Oh, if I'm crazy
I'm crazy
For you
I'm crazy for you