Opening Night (2016) Movie Script
1
NICK: Where is it? (SIGHS)
Come on. (SIGHS) Where is it?
What the... Are you kidding me?
Jesus.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TELEVISION)
MALE ANNOUNCER: Coming to Broadway,
One Hit Wonderland.
NICK: Yes...
MALE ANNOUNCER:
Starring NSYNC's, JC Chasez.
JC: (SINGING OVER TELEVISION)
One Hit Wonderland
MALE ANNOUNCER: You're only a one hit
wonder, until your second hit.
-(NICK SIGHS)
-MALE ANNOUNCER: Featuring new versions
of all your favorite
one hit wonders of the past.
Visit telecharge.com
to book your ticket to...
-MALE VENDOR 1: Here you go, Nick.
-Thanks, man.
CHLOE: (CHUCKLES)
I can't keep up with your sexual workload.
MALCOLM: Then what about you and Nick?
How many times do y'all do in a week?
CHLOE: I don't know, three or four.
-(MALCOLM LAUGHS)
-What?
-Oh, honey.
-Why you're...
-Wait, that can't be right.
-What is wrong with that?
Come here. Nicky, come here.
You mean to tell me you are only entering
this beautiful creature
three or four times in a week?
Yeah. But to be fair, she was also
entering me three or four times a week.
-(LAUGHS)
-So, you know, it's not so bad.
I like that.
MALCOLM: Oh, which reminds me...
Where were you last night, bitch?
You could not be found.
I do not kiss and tell.
BOTH: Ooh...
Okay, sister, come on, spill it.
-No, seriously, stop it.
-Oh.
-Right.
-Oh.
Oh, come on, (STUTTERS)
we broke up, like, a year ago.
Yeah, I know and still,
my lips are sealed.
Oh, we know that can't be the case.
Or else there'd be no story to tell.
-Oh!
-(MALCOLM LAUGHS)
Guys, we got, like, 10 minutes to show.
Thank you.
Shit! I need to do my vocal warm-ups.
So help me out.
(GROANS) Hmm. (HUMMING)
I'm right here, start right here...
(BOTH SCATTING)
Guys, can you stop that? You know...
You know, I hate that.
CHLOE: What, this?
-(BOTH SCATTING)
-Yes.
This is why I hate musical theater.
-Oh, come on, you know you love it.
-I don't.
(SINGING) When the night is falling
Please, don't do this.
-You cannot find the light
-(MALCOLM SCATTING)
Thank you.
You feel your dreams are dying
Hold tight
Come on, Nicky. Just gotta pose it.
(CHUCKLES) Guys, guys...
Don't you think it's, like, really cheesy
when people just,
like, randomly break into song?
It's... It's fucking corny.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
BOTH: (SINGING) You got the music in you
NICK: All right.
Don't let go
You got the music in you
Fuck you, guys.
One last time
(INDISTINCT CHATTER BACKSTAGE)
NICK: Hey, everyone, this is not a drill.
I need you to report to the stage,
start getting into places.
WALDO: (OVER HEADSET) Nick,
afraid we've got a bit of a problem here,
one of the background dancers
called in sick.
NICK: Call Wicked,
have them send over one of their spares.
WALDO:
We've got a packed house out there, mate.
NICK: Well, let's not fuck it up.
-Nine minutes to curtain, everybody.
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(SINGING) Nine minutes will be nine!
Save it for the show, buddy.
ALEX: We just blew a bulb
in the opening backdrop.
-What?
-Yeah.
What, right now? Which bulb?
The big one. One that...
(INDISTINCT MUMBLING)
This... One...
-There's... (INDISTINCT MUMBLING)
-What? What are you...
Okay, look, not again.
I know that you have a tendency to swallow
your words in high-stress situations,
but you gotta give me a chance, okay?
I need you tonight.
-Breathe, breathe...
-(BREATHING DEEPLY)
Breathe with me.
Okay, which bulb?
The big one. The one that dots the "I".
Attagirl. Hey, Waldo, we lost some rays.
I need you to run a second ball of
sunshine up to the opening backdrop, okay?
WALDO: (THROUGH HEADSET)
Brilliant, I'm on it.
-He's good to go.
-Okay.
Nick. Thank God, man.
Please, tell me you're carrying.
-Carrying?
-Marijuana.
You know, the muse to the common musician.
I left my stash at home.
Micky, I don't have any weed on me.
Well, I can't play the bass guitar
unless I'm on drugs, Nick.
No one can.
That's how the bass guitar works.
Okay, I'm sorry.
It's just that I'm a fucking hack, man.
I got nothing without my weed. Nothing.
Except for a crippling drug dependency.
-I want Malcolm off the fucking show.
-Not now, Brandy.
He's a weaselly little tank tickler
who sings like a deaf otter with HPV.
Wow!
You really are the Picasso of insults.
You know, I have a theory that you
actually write these the night before...
Just fire him.
Did he do something to you?
Shut up and fire him, or I quit.
-Well, you will be missed.
-(GASPS)
You're a dickless, talentless
micropenis pageboy
and nobody respects you
'cause you wear your headset
like a little tiara.
See, that one. Just...
Didn't really feel off the cuff.
-Eight minutes to show, ladies.
-Fuck it.
Nick, so now that I'm pregnant,
I'm probably gonna get tired
pretty easily out there.
So if I get winded, I'm just gonna
walk offstage and catch a quick breather.
What? No, you can't just walk offstage
in the middle of a number.
(CHUCKLES) Nick,
I'm carrying precious cargo.
Monica, you are literally
three days pregnant.
You asked us all to do coke with you
in the Bar Centrale bathroom last week.
(LAUGHS) Well, that was before I received
this little blessing.
Now, that's why you received
this blessing. You'll be fine.
-Nick, additional concern.
-Sure.
I've already sweat through.
You think these stains will read onstage?
Uh, yes, those would read from space.
Tina, can you fire up the blow-dryer,
help Debbie out here?
WALDO: (THROUGH HEADSET) Nick, I'm afraid
we have another issue with Emotional Eric.
-(EMOTIONAL ERIC CRYING)
-MALE PERFORMER 1: Babe, it is in there.
MALE PERFORMER 2: Baby, I am so sorry...
What happened?
Mammy died.
-Your grandmother died?
-Wait.
My grandmother died?
-Wait, what?
-His grandmother died?
-No, no, no.
-Granny and now Mammy...(CRYING)
No. Good Lord. Who the fuck is Mammy?
It's his pet marmoset.
-Oh. Well, of course.
-Stay strong.
NICK: Hey, guys. Guys, I get it, okay?
Mammy seemed like
she was a really special...
It's a he.
...rodent. But...
I need you all to get to first positions.
I think it's what Mammy might have wanted.
-Okay.
-Good.
-I'll do it for Mammy.
-(MALE PERFORMERS CHATTERING)
That's the spirit.
Hey, let's do this one for Mammy.
-Huh, guys?
-MALE PERFORMERS: Hurray!
All right. Yeah!
-XAVIER: Hello.
-You, backup dancer?
-Si, Xavier.
-(WHISTLING)
NICK: Hola. Me llamo Nick.
Thanks so much for coming
on such short notice.
I think I know you.
You're an actor too, no?
-No, no, no.
-Yes, I think I saw you in the theater...
No. Xavier, look, I've been working
on Broadway for six years.
You sing and dance and you have an
affinity for Lycra. You know me.
Who here wants to get X to wardrobe?
-MALE SINGER: I will help him.
-Right here.
I will help him.
NICK: Never a lack of subtlety.
-Seven minutes to show, guys.
-XAVIER: You have to take this?
MALE SINGER: This must be
what it's like to undress The Rock.
You got any idea why
Brandy might want you off the show?
Oh, it's probably because
I fucked her boyfriend last night.
(CHUCKLES)
-You fucked Brandy's boyfriend last night?
-Oh, absolutely.
Why didn't you say anything about it?
Hmm.
I didn't think it was that interesting.
(CHUCKLES)
Hey, um...
-Weird question. Are you holding?
-Hmm.
Nick... Drugs?
What is the pressure of the big night
getting to you?
-(CHUCKLES) It's for someone else.
-Shut up. You know I'm playing with you.
(SINGING) You know I got you
-Thank you.
-Okay.
Any word on who Chloe... You know.
Who Chloe, what?
You know, last night... Who she...
Last night.
Why are you doing this to me?
(LAUGHS)
This is killing you, isn't it?
Shut up. (SIGHS)
(ORCHESTRA MUSIC PLAYING)
Guys, six minutes to show.
-Micky...
-(EXCLAIMS)
Fuck yeah. Maestro, we are back.
Shit! Who's got a lighter?
-(WOMEN GIGGLING)
-Ladies...
Come on, what's going on in there?
JC, come on.
Oh.
-Thank you.
-FEMALE PERFORMER 1: Sorry.
-Let's get back to the dressing room.
-FEMALE PERFORMERS: Bye, JC!
Nick, we were just doing
some vocal warm-ups.
Want to make sure
that once we get out there,
we're all NSYNC.
Get it?
I get it every time, JC.
Look, it's five minutes to show,
why do we always have to
cut this so close?
-Come here.
-Okay.
The secret to success is relaxation.
-I'm relaxed.
-No.
You know, there was another guy in my band
who couldn't relax, either?
To be honest with you,
he was just as good a singer as me
and the other guy.
-Justin Timberlake?
-Whoever.
Anyway, he should have been
front and center far more than he was,
but he was in the closet
dealing with some personal issues.
I'm not gonna say who it was.
It was Lance Bass.
So, you know what I'm talking about.
I don't think I do.
Once Lance had the courage to say,
"Hey, world,
I'm as gay as you thought I was,"
everything got better.
I'm not gay, JC.
(LAUGHS)
You sound just like Lance.
Hey, Sir Joshua S. Chasez!
You long-dick motherfucker!
Whoo! There it is. Look at you! Huh!
You are a goddamned living god.
Come on, Mitch. Nobody's a living god.
But, if there was one, it's gonna be me.
-MITCH: Yeah!
-Get it?
He nailed it! Nailed it!
You never looked better, babe.
All right, listen to me, you little shit.
I need you to keep that
glorified backup singer focused.
-Do you understand?
-Yes, Mr. Goldmeyer.
(EXHALES DEEPLY) Between him and Brooke,
this show is hanging on
by the string of your tampon.
I thought they looked decent
in rehearsals.
Decent? Decent?
You, of all people, should know
"decent" ends a show's run
on opening night.
We got one shot at this.
Now, where is that fucking crypt keeper?
-Hey! (LAUGHS)
-Oh.
There she is! Wow! (GASPS)
-What a star!
-A star? (LAUGHS)
How come when you google Brooke Tremme,
it auto-fills,
"Whatever happened to Brooke Tremme?"
"Whatever happened to"
is now officially my first name.
(LAUGHS)
-And so modest.
-Yeah.
So modest.
You really are the full package.
Nick, is she a goddess or what?
Nick?
-We might need a touch-up on Brooke.
-ALEX: (THROUGH HEADSET) Copy that.
Thanks for the honesty, Nick.
-You look great.
-(DOOR CLOSES)
Hey, dickhead,
you think I don't know she needs makeup?
She is one bad lighting setup away
from passing for Mel Brooks.
-Sure.
-(TISKING)
-I'm not done yet. Mel Brooks' asshole.
-Wow.
Now, it's our job
to keep that morbid bitch happy.
So you just keep blowing smoke up
that cellulite ass chimney of hers.
-Got it?
-Got it.
Hey, fuckballs, is that a hard-on?
Do you have a hard-on in my hallway?
-Knock that shit off!
-Is he gone? Ugh!
Should you be smoking
before you have to sing?
Oh, let's be honest,
at this point in my career,
I'm only doing it for the money anyway.
Brooke, you've worked too hard
to really mean that.
No, I worked hard
for The Beekeeper's Daughter.
I worked hard
for John Wayne's Rainbow Taxi.
I worked hard for Minorities The Musical.
That material was worthy of my talent.
For this?
Working for my agent's
summer rental on Lake Como
and another round of laser hair removal.
Hmm.
The vaginal kind.
No, I got that.
-Break a leg out there, Miss Tremme.
-Who the fuck are you?
Oh. Ron. Props.
You know, just because I work on the crew
doesn't mean I can't be a huge fan.
-And I am. Of you.
-Okay. (BLOWS SMOKE) Anyway.
Oh. It's so weird seeing, you know,
you so close.
It's like I could reach out and grab you,
you know.
-I won't.
-Dude.
Ron, don't you have somewhere
you need to be?
If by "somewhere to be" you mean
"backstage at the hottest musical
this town's ever seen,"
then I think I'm in the right spot.
That's not what I mean. Get back to props.
-Now.
-Oh. Okay. Time to put on a show.
Whoo. (LAUGHS)
Golly.
That kind of unbridled optimism
literally makes me wanna puke.
Excuse me while I do that.
7-1-9...
-Wait, 1-8...
-Brian...
Stop looking at the audience
and get on last looks.
Dude, there is a lot of talent
in the house tonight.
Check out the 8-1-8s in the front row.
8-1-8s?
Area code, you know?
No.
Look, first digit's a chick's face,
zero to nine.
Second digit, "Would you do them?"
One, you'd do them, zero, you wouldn't.
-Zeroes are rare, obviously.
-Obviously.
Third digit's, body. Again, zero to nine.
Look, Brian, I really don't have time
to grasp this incredibly
douchey sounding concept.
-TINA: Nick.
-One of the...
Look, here comes a 7-1-7.
Sweaty Debbie's mic is all soggy.
She needs a new one.
Before we do that, Tina,
let's get your costume adjusted here.
-(GRUNTS)
-Mmm... Oh!
-Last looks.
-Oh, um... (GIGGLES)
Way to keep it classy, babe.
BRIAN: All right,
now let's check that panty line.
(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome
to Broadway's Harper Lee Theater.
Please, turn off all cellphones, cameras,
and other electronic devices.
Texting and photography
are strictly prohibited.
(WOMAN LAUGHING)
Really?
Thank you and enjoy the show.
LEE: You are the type of girl
who needs to be swept off her feet.
(CHLOE GASPS)
And I might be the guy with the broom.
(LAUGHS)
And where will you be sweeping me?
Well, I might just sweep you
to a little spot that I like to call
"The Fuck Palace."
(SIGHS)
Damn it, Lee, no...
What the hell is "The Fuck Palace?"
Well, that's what I call my apartment.
What, your studio apartment
in Spanish Harlem is The Fuck Palace?
Yeah, essentially.
-No.
-No?
No, no, no. I think... Yeah.
Not... Not... Not good?
Just... Just keep it light.
Keep it funny, okay?
Girls don't like to feel threatened.
-LEE: Thank you so much.
-(CHUCKLES)
I'm just having a really hard time getting
back in the game after my wife left me.
You're a really, really good guy
and you'll get it.
-Promise.
-Okay.
-Okay. (LAUGHS)
-Thanks.
Oh, uh. By the way, before I forget,
do you have my money?
What, for the dating lessons?
No, for fantasy football.
Yeah, (STUTTERS)
I just don't have any cash on me.
-Oh, really? You sure?
-Yeah...
No, I mean... Let me see.
-Yeah, let me just see, too.
-No, you don't have to look. (GASPS)
Yeah, that's my emergency $20.
It's my emergency $20 now.
-Fine.
-Go.
You're gonna keep practicing your skills
tomorrow. You're making progress.
-No, I'm not.
-(CHUCKLES)
Damn!
-Pimps be chasing down them greenbacks.
-(CHUCKLES)
Yeah, I got all your little bitches
on my tip.
Oh, shit.
What you got for daddy?
Is it weird that I'm kind of
attracted to gangster Mozart?
You a fan of my motherfucking concerto?
You want me to Bach it up?
Bach. I got that reference.
Skedaddle like you know... Uh-oh!
-(CHUCKLES) Sorry.
-I was afraid this was gonna happen.
-What? (CHUCKLES)
-Look, look, last night was fun and all,
but the clinginess... It's a turn off.
-(STUTTERS) No, I was...
-It's easier this way.
No strings attached.
Catch that?
You fucked JC?
Chasez?
(CHUCKLES) I was really drunk,
you know that.
That's cool.
You know it's really none of my business.
Showtime. You should
probably get to first positions.
Oh, okay.
WALDO: (THROUGH SPEAKERS)
All right, people. Showtime.
You only get one opening night.
Let's make it count.
We got 30 seconds.
ALEX: (OVER HEADSET)
Roger that. Let's do this.
Break a leg, guys.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
MALE ANNOUNCER:
Rising up the charts to number...
(SINGING) Top 40.
And boom box in two, one...
(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
Right, smoke.
Let me get a little more smoke.
JC: (SINGING) There was a polka dot bikini
And a disco dancing duck
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
-They built a nation of kung fu fighters
But they soon ran out of luck
Why was their fame so fleeting?
Go, go, go.
JC: (SINGING) Cruel fate or fickle fans?
'Cause the shooting star only shot
as far as
One Hit Wonderland
Wonderland
(CHUCKLES) Who the fuck wrote this show?
(SINGING) We were all once dancing safely
Melting when the world was stopped
We relaxed when Frankie told us to
But how quickly we forgot
For every Springsteen
there's a Springfield
For every Beatles there's Ram Jam
Living in our hearts
forever topping charts
-In One Hit Wonderland
-(CHORUS SINGING)
See, One Hit Wonderland isn't exactly
a place anyone wants to visit.
But most people that have success
wind up getting a free one-way ticket.
One hit wonders have been around
since the first caveman
banged two rocks together.
But they took off like never before
in the '80s.
MALE CHORUS: (SINGING)
Amadeus, Amadeus, Amadeus
Amadeus, Amadeus, Amadeus
Amadeus, Amadeus, Amadeus
-(CROWD CHEERING)
-Rock me Amadeus
-Guys, go, go, go, go. Fuck off.
-JC: With the '90s came the CD.
And that meant a whole lot more classics
like this one.
Yo, VIP, let's kick it!
MALE CHORUS: (SINGING) Ice Ice Baby
-Vanilla Ice Ice Baby
-Word to your mother!
Heck. One hit wonders are even around
in the Internet age.
-Right, guys?
-(MUSIC PLAYING)
Do the Harlem Shake!
(SINGING IN SPANISH)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
(SINGING) But wait
There's one you've forgotten
Oh, please, no.
The one hit king
I've relinquished my throne
CHORUS: Please won't you indulge us?
Sing, boy sing
JC: Leave me alone
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Next up here at the Grantwood Lounge,
Baz Paisley.
CHORUS: (SINGING) Play your hit.
Sing Sex Me Gently. Play the hit.
Sorry, I don't play Sex Me Gently anymore,
not on the set list tonight, folks.
CHORUS: (SINGING)
You're the one hit wonder, baby
(SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Yo, Nicky.
Was I as late as I felt on
that last pelvic thrust, 'cause...
-I found out.
-(GRUNTS)
Chloe, huh? Who was it?
-JC Chasez.
-Ah!
-Uh-uh!
-Uh-uh!
Ooh! I would have figured her
for a Backstreet Girl.
-Nice.
-Uh-huh. You okay?
Yeah.
Look, I'm the one who broke up with her.
Of course, of course,
you thought things were moving
-way too quickly.
-Dude, she wanted to move in.
The only reason you're trippin'
about moving in with each other
is because she's so far
out of your league.
-Oh, thanks.
-You know what I'm saying.
You break her heart first
before she breaks yours.
The funny thing is y'all have been
making goo-goo eyes at each other
for the last year.
We're all sick of it.
Everybody's waiting on you to bust a move.
She just fucked the other guy from NSYNC.
I get that, but she was wasted.
She probably hadn't had any good dick
since you.
Did you just complement my dick?
I did.
-Thank you.
-You are welcome.
Look, you gotta
put yourself out there, man.
-For real.
-(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
Uh, oh. Crank this, this is my jam.
-(MUSIC VOLUME INCREASES)
-You gotta pull the trigger.
No, no, no, no.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(SINGING) You're on a mission
and you're wishin'
-Someone could cure your lonely condition
-This is fucking lame.
Lookin' for love in all the wrong places
No fine girls just ugly faces
-Some frustration first inclination
-(ALL EXCLAIMING, CHEERING)
Is to become a monk
and leave the situation
Come on over here without a second to lose
What comes next
-Hey, bust a move
-Can I...
(ALL EXCLAIMING, WHOOPING)
Thank you.
Get it!
Get it, girl!
MALCOLM: (SINGING) Yo, bust a move
MALE SINGER: Come on, Nick.
(MALE PERFORMERS CHEERING)
MALCOLM: Break it down for me, fellas.
(SING-SONG) Oh, yeah. Old school. Oh!
-No, no, no.
-Come on.
ALL: Five, six, seven, eight.
-Can I have the walkie talkie back?
-(ALL GROANING)
MALCOLM: Show 'em how it's done.
-Oh! Pop lock.
-That's impressive.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Show 'em what you got.
(ALL CHEERING)
That's enough.
-Little more.
-ALL: Uh-uh!
Uh-uh!
Uh-uh! Ah!
-(ALL CHEERING, WHOOPING)
-(MUSIC STOPS)
MALE PERFORMERS: (GROANING, EXCLAIMING)
-Nick.
-That was charging.
-Hey, Ron. Hey, man.
-Hey.
Listen, I am, uh, kind of looking
to take things up a notch tonight.
You holding anything?
-What do you mean?
-Like Oxys, Bennies, Xany bars...
(CHUCKLES) Oh, drugs? No, no, no, no.
I, uh, don't do drugs.
When I wanna get high,
I just take in the energy and excitement
and the talent of everybody backstage.
Including yours, Micky.
-Fuck you, Ron.
-Have a good show.
MICKY: Ladies, you holdin' anything?
-Brooke?
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
-You ready to rock?
-BROOKE: Yeah, yeah.
Let's just walk the plank
and get it over with, shall we?
Wow! Motivational and inspirational.
(BROOKE SCREAMS)
-Oh, my God! Brooke!
-It was an accident! It was an accident!
Jesus! Brooke? Brooke, are you okay?
Brooke?
Brooke, can you hear me?
God damn it, Ron. What the fuck happened?
I was bringing the chopstick back
to do the Turning Japanese number...
-Wait... Brooke's dead, too?
-No!
-What happened?
-She's not dead. Just calm down.
-(CRYING)
-Alex, we need a medic backstage.
-Stat. Fuck, is that blood?
-ALEX: (THROUGH HEADSET) You got it.
No, I actually just dropped the bucket
of fake soy sauce.
-Oh, thank God.
-Yeah, good thing it wasn't real soy sauce
or we would be in a very, uh, sticky
uh, situation. (CHUCKLES)
I will choke you.
Do you hear me?
I'll fucking strangle you until you're
fucking dead, okay?
-Point taken.
-LEE: Move, move!
-I'm here. Move! Move!
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Brooke? Brooke, can you hear me?
-Ah...
-(BROOKE COUGHS)
-Okay, she's breathing.
-(ALL EXCLAIMING) Thank you!
John 3:16.
Thank God.
-Follow my finger with your eyes.
-(GROANS SOFTLY)
-Oh, boy.
-LEE: Just with your eyes, not your head.
Okay, that's not better.
-No. This is clearly...
-Ah...
Okay, she has a concussion,
so let's get her to her room.
NICK: Okay. A little help here.
Sorry, I can't help in my condition.
Three days, Monica, three days.
No, no, no. Come on!
Who's responsible for this shit?
Uh, it was an accident, Mr. Goldmeyer.
I don't think anyone saw what happened.
Oh, really?
I could give a steaming pile of fucking
tiny dancer's shit here, you understand?
I want names.
Then it was me.
-(CHUCKLES)
-No.
It's okay, Nick. Uh...
It was me.
Hi, Mr. Goldmeyer, Ron Burke, props.
I actually knocked her unconscious
with a giant chopstick. (CHUCKLES)
'Cause I was never good with chopsticks,
you know? (CHUCKLES)
-You're fired.
-What?
No. Hey, look, I know it's a lot
to take in in the moment.
Maybe we just take a deep,
cleansing breath...
Get the fuck out of my face!
Totally trust your judgment.
Great call. Bye-bye.
Who is this fucking asshole, Nick?
You and your job exist
so that shit like this doesn't happen.
I know. I'm sorry.
Well...
Fuck!
We got no choice.
Get the understudy ready.
(STUTTERS) But it's opening night.
It's, like, too risky, right?
Do I pay you for your opinion, Beaker?
-Beaker?
-Beaker!
He's a mophead with the fucking hair
like yours and the... (SCATS)
Just get her changed
and get her through makeup.
The show goes the fuck on.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Oh, my God, Nick,
is this really happening?
NICK: It's happening.
I'm shaking.
Come on. We don't have a lot of time,
gangster Mozart.
Brian, Chloe is filling in for Brooke.
I need her changed
and touched up like yesterday.
Ah, Nick, this is so crazy.
You know I only signed up to understudy
for the extra pay, right?
-I know.
-(PANTING, CHUCKLING)
-(CHLOE SQUEALS)
-NICK: You know, if you want.
-Brandy knows the role.
-What do you mean?
-She could do it.
-CHLOE: I didn't say that I can't do it.
(EXHALES DEEPLY) I can't believe
you're bringing
your own insecurities into this right now.
My insecurities?
Whatever, stage fright.
That's ridiculous. I'm just scared.
Uh, for you.
-Projecting.
-Brian, could you shut the fuck up?
No, he's actually right.
Ever since Brazillia closed,
I haven't heard you sing not once.
You know that? Not even karaoke.
That was a choice.
I stopped performing
because I was sick of it.
You want to know the truth?
Musicals suck. (CHUCKLES) Okay?
This whole industry is a joke.
I mean, not...
Not...
Wow.
Thanks.
Alex, what's your 20? Wow!
I need you to get Chloe to Brooke's mark.
-Five minutes to go.
-You got it.
Thanks for the great pep talk.
(SIGHS)
JC: You're only a one hit wonder
until your second hit!
I can't take it anymore!
Don't fuck it up.
-Hey.
-Hi.
You've got this, baby girl.
-Hmm-mmm.
-You got this.
-Thanks, babe.
-Go.
Go, bitch.
JC: Well, it all comes down to this.
Goodbye, world.
Goodbye, life.
Whatever that magic was that allowed me
to write Sex Me Gently...
-(INHALES DEEPLY)
-JC: I lost it years ago.
It's not fair to give a person so much
just to take it away.
It's just not fair.
One hit wonders are trapped in a jail
called the past.
And it's a life sentence.
There's no escape except this.
Who are you?
Seriously.
Tell me.
Who are you?
(MALE AUDIENCE COUGHING)
No. No, no, no, no. (STUTTERS)
Talk, talk.
Just fucking say words, say words.
I am the ghost
of greatest hits past.
And I have come to take you
to a place called One Hit Wonderland.
JC: Ugh.
One hit wonders are all lame
and manufactured.
Every single one of them.
Especially mine.
-Join me, Baz, you'll see.
-(MUSIC PLAYING)
I'm scared.
CHLOE (AS GHOST OF GREATEST HITS PAST):
There's nothing to be scared of.
(SINGING) Dream of better lives
The kind which never hate
Trapped in a state of imaginary grace
I saw the world crashing
all around your face
Never really knowing
it was always mesh and lace
I'll stop the world and melt with you
Okay.
You've seen the difference
and it's getting better all the time
There's nothing you and I won't do
I'll stop the world and melt with you
I'll stop the world and melt with you
You've seen the difference
and it's getting better all the time
There's nothing you and I won't do
-(EXCLAIMS, LAUGHS)
-I'll stop the world and melt with you
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
So, will you come with me?
-Anywhere.
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(LAUGHING) Thank you.
Thank you, buddy. Thank you.
Hey.
Just wanted to tell you,
you did a great job out there.
(LAUGHS) Really?
Honestly, when I first saw you
come out on stage, I was like,
"Holy shit.
Girl's gone full-blown stalker."
-But then, you opened your mouth.
-(CHUCKLES)
-Wow!
-(LAUGHS)
Thank you.
You know, this changes everything.
How so?
(LAUGHING)
Oh, you'll see.
Hey, you... You were great out there.
Thank you.
I think it was your words of encouragement
that made all the difference.
(FEMALE PERFORMERS GIGGLING)
Now what happened?
I fucked it up like always.
Cheer up.
I could tell you an inspirational story
that might raise your spirits.
Okay, what story?
The one where
I power-bottom Brandy's boyfriend.
Oh. Well, whisk me away.
So after the dress rehearsal,
we all go to a Joe Allens.
So it was me, Brandy,
and her fine-ass boyfriend.
-Uh-huh.
-We're bullshitting, right.
And I swear to you, I was feeling a vibe.
-Oh, like, a "do me" vibe? Right.
-Total "do me" vibe.
So, she goes to the bathroom,
I slide next to him, I'm like, "Yo,
-"are we vibin'?"
-Hmm.
Dude looks at me dead in my face,
grabs my balls and goes,
"Let's light this candle."
Holy shit.
-He's poetic, too.
-Yeah, yeah. Well, obviously.
God, I had no idea he was gay.
Nick, there's a gay man in all of us.
Some of us a little further than others.
-Exactly.
-(CHUCKLES)
So, um, she comes back from the bathroom.
Real sneaky like, he says,
-"So, we gonna do this or what?"
-Uh-huh.
I say, "Baby, I am hard right now,"
and my shit was like...
-Yeah. I feel ya.
-You know what I mean?
-Did you wrap it up?
-Like a Hanukkah present.
-Shalom.
-Word.
So, he's real slick, says he's sick,
he leaves, I wait five minutes,
I follow his ass all the way back
to Brandy's apartment.
You banged Brandy's boyfriend
in her apartment?
Yes, I did.
She walks in on me tapping that ass
on the bidet.
-On the bidet?
-On the bidet.
Water was flying everywhere,
she came in, slipped...
Wait, wait, wait.
The bidet was on?
Oh, I wouldn't recommend it
at a novice level.
-Nixon, bro, favor.
-Sure.
-Anal whore!
-Oh!
Bitch, you better watch this face.
I'm on Broadway.
Why are you telling everybody
that you fucked my boyfriend?
You know what?
I understand why you're in denial.
You obviously weren't
fulfilling him sexually,
and I'm a much, much, much, much,
much, much, much,
much better lover than you.
(GASPS) I am a fantastic lover.
I am the hottest piece of ass
in musical theater,
and I can get any guy I want.
Okay. But not while I'm around.
Fine. Fine. Pick any guy.
I will bet you that I can get him
to do me before you.
(MALCOLM CHUCKLES)
You're serious? Okay. Uh...
Xavier.
BRANDY: The new guy? Isn't he gay?
Well, early reconnaissance says
he's bi, single, and shaved.
What is there, some kind of
underground gay intel network?
All I know is he's bi, fair fight.
Fine.
First one to bang Ricky Martin.
It is on, Don Juan.
You got it, fur burger.
Ass taxi.
Dildo diva.
-Butt slut.
-Queef queen.
-Tank tickler.
-Jizz junkie.
-Bitch tits.
-Fuck bucket.
Turd burglar.
-Twat waffle.
-Pecker wrecker.
-Cum bunny.
-Rundle bundle.
-Gwyneth Paltrow.
-Douche nozzle.
Cock pocket.
(SINGING) Cock pocket
-Grinder goblin.
-Adolf Titler.
Si...
-Hard on, be gone.
-Wait a minute.
Neander-whore.
-Something gay.
-Pancake nipples.
Fuck you, they're proportional.
-Hey, man, what's up? Hmm-mmm.
-Intermission.
I want you to make sure that new star
finds her way to my dressing room.
Oh...
Why?
We should just go over some stuff
in the second act, uh,
go over some steps.
You know how clumsy I can be
with these size 12s.
(LAUGHS)
Um, JC,
Chloe's special.
She's not like
all these other chorus girls, you know?
Nick, look.
One...
-(FEMALE PERFORMERS MOANING)
-JC: Two, three,
four, five.
What?
-(SINGING) Everybody's in the car
-Oh. (CHUCKLES)
so come on let's ride
Okay, you're not on stage anymore, so,
you know, there's no need to sing... Okay.
Pamela, Sandra and Rita
Yeah, here we go.
And as I continue
they're only getting sweeter
-(SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYING)
-Please, don't encourage him...
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING)
A little bit of Monica in my life
A little bit of Amy by my side
-A little bit of Eileen's is what I need
-(FEMALE PERFORMER GIGGLING)
A little... (MUMBLING)
Shall we... Let's wrap it up. No? Okay.
JC: (SINGING)
A little bit of Sandra in the sun
A little bit of Debbie all night long
A little bit of Jessica in the can
-A little bit of you makes me your man
-(FEMALE PERFORMER EXCLAIMS)
Oh, Jesus Christ.
(FEMALE PERFORMER EXCLAIMING)
(CHUCKLES) Great.
So you got it now. Chloe.
My dressing room. Intermission.
(CHUCKLES)
I fucking hate Broadway.
(GROANS)
NICK: Hey.
-How we doing, Brooke?
-BROOKE: Aspirin.
Uh, Alex, we got eyes on Lee out there?
ALEX: (THROUGH HEADSET)
Negative. Sorry, Nick.
It's thumping so hard
I want to kill myself.
Okay. Um...
Oh, maybe Lee's got something over here
in his bag.
-(GROANING)
-NICK: Oh!
(PILLS RATTLING)
Look at that.
Just take two of these...
Lean forward...
Okay.
And lean back.
We're gonna do it together then.
-(BELCHES)
-Great.
Hey, sorry, I got caught
watching the show.
You've seen Chloe out there?
She's like a star.
Oh...
Cool. Look, uh, Brooke was complaining
about her headache,
so I gave her some of the aspirin
from your jacket.
-My jacket?
-Yeah.
Nick! Those are ecstasy!
-Ecstasy?
-Shh!
Lee, you're the fucking stage medic.
What are you doing with a bottle
of ecstasy marked aspirin?
I started clubbing again, okay?
I gotta get back out there,
that's the only way
I can meet interesting women.
-Interesting women?
-Okay, fine, young women.
But what were you doing
going through my jacket?
-Jesus Christ...
-No, no, no, no.
We're fine, we're fine. Stay calm.
I only gave her two.
-Two, we're fucked!
-Brooke!
Brooke, how you doing?
You doing better?
Okay, good.
Listen, we're gonna need you to throw up.
-You have to upchuck, okay?
-Yeah, it'll make you feel better.
-Just spill, pull the trigger.
-I don't do that anymore.
Okay, Brooke, please, can you just...
-No!
-Okay, okay, okay.
Hold her hands,
here's what's gonna happen.
I'll put my hand...
BROOKE: Whoa! (GAGS)
Oh, my God, what are you doing?
-We're fine. Come on.
-LEE: I should wash my fingers.
You're right, you're right.
-(EXHALES DEEPLY)
-Jesus Christ.
-Okay. We just roofied a Broadway star!
-Uh.
-A former Broadway star.
-Keep going.
Someone who's been on Broadway before.
She isn't gonna die, is she?
No, no.
She'll just experience extreme euphoria,
heightened tactile sensory perception
and maybe some mild hallucinations.
Wow! When you say it like that,
you almost sound like a real doctor.
WALDO: (THROUGH HEADSET)
Nick, do you have eyes on Lee?
Graham just turned his ankle
coming off stage.
Okay, we got a turned ankle out there.
Look, I'm on it.
But somebody's gotta watch Brooke.
I'll find someone.
Just try not to drop acid with Graham.
Too soon, Nick. Be professional.
Ron! Oh, Ron, Ron, Ron.
Hey, I need you
to look after Brooke for me.
Mr. Goldmeyer fired me.
Look, if you do this for me, right now,
I promise I'll get you back on the show.
-Really? You would do that for me?
-Oh, yeah yeah yeah, yeah. sure.
Look, now, when she wakes up,
she might be acting a little funny
-'cause of the concussion. That's normal.
-Sure.
Just the important thing to remember is
don't let her out of the room.
Okay? Under no circumstances, Ron,
does Brooke leave this room.
You understand?
You can count on me, Nick.
I will not let you down.
-I really want to believe that, Ron.
-(WHISPERS) I wanna believe it, too.
-Okay. Here's my walkie talkie.
-Okay.
Call me if there's any problem, okay?
(CHUCKLES)
Awesome!
Nick, I remember.
-I'm in a real hurry...
-I remember.
-You remember what?
-Brazillia.
That's the show I saw you in, yes?
-Yeah.
-I know it's Chloe's opening night
but I just want to tell you,
you was really, really great.
You were singing, you were dancing,
you were in your thing, man.
But I didn't notice
on what you were saying so much.
I used didn't speak English good
as I do now.
That's our best review yet.
So why you no performing no more?
Um...
Look, Xavier, shouldn't you be warming up
for the next number?
-(XAVIER STUTTERING)
-Sorry.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Uh, yo, Xavi...
XAVIER: Ow! Ow!
-Oops. Sorry, did I hurt you just now?
-(XAVIER INHALES DEEPLY)
No, it's fine. It's just my hamstring,
it's a little angry.
-For real?
-Yeah.
Oh. Hamstring.
You know I'm a licensed
physical therapist, don't you?
Nice and easy.
(GRUNTS SOFTLY) Okay.
So I was thinking, maybe we could get
a drink after the show tonight.
You mean the cast party?
Yeah, like that. Cast party for two.
Ooh...
Your hand...
Yeah?
It's on my thing.
I know.
It's exactly where it's supposed to be.
It helps the stretch.
I think no more stretch...
Well, I'll call you later
to finalize those plans.
Don't forget to ice.
(MOCK GASPS) Eh, ah, oh!
Crash and burn, no survivors.
Oh, but look, they found
a little black box. What does it say?
That Malcolm survived
because he used his big black cock
as a floatation device.
-Boom.
-Go fuck yourself.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-Is that me?
-Yep.
You're about to lose your virginity.
Oh, well, please,
can we just stop the flashback?
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-You have such hatred for one hit wonders.
But there's something here you must see.
Why won't you go to prom with me?
I'm already going with Kyle Masterson.
Oh, come on, Megan,
he won't treat you right.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING)
I've never been much for fairy tales
'Cause fairy tales don't come true
-(SOFTLY) Chloe.
-Nick, I'm in the middle of a show
I wanted to say I'm sorry
about earlier.
You really tried to psyche me out.
Look, you were right, okay? I was scared.
Maybe because of my previous experience,
maybe because of the stress of the night.
Look, you gotta know I would never
deliberately sabotage you.
Or the show.
All right.
You know, this isn't even what I wanted.
Friends?
Yeah. Friends.
Chloe, let's adjust that top real quick.
Oh, Bazy, you're so romantic.
With all the money and the fame,
I forgot why I originally wrote that song.
It was for love.
(SINGING) I don't wanna drag you down
Or give you the third degree
I just wanna kiss you soft
And sex you gently
I wanna sex you gently
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Hey, Brooke.
How are you?
Hi...
Hi. (CHUCKLES) Um...
-Hello.
-Oh, my. That's...
That's nice.
-That's...
-Feel so good. So, like, light.
Good, good, good. Yeah.
(BREATHES DEEPLY) Hmm.
Oh, my God!
Whoa!
Should I... You want me to wait outside?
No, no, no. I wanna feel your shape.
-Okay. My shape?
-Yeah.
-Okay.
-That's amazing.
-What?
-It's like a perfect orb.
You know, I don't have a swimmer's body...
Swimming, yeah, I want some water.
Can I have some water?
Uh, yes, good idea. Actually, you know,
you could use a little bit of water here.
-Just drink this.
-That's nice, that's nice. Thank you.
Just... No, no, no. You get it...
Like a gently flowing stream.
Like a babbling brook.
Like a babbling brook.
(LAUGHS) That's my name.
-Like Brooke, like my name.
-Yeah.
-Swim with me!
-(GASPS, CHUCKLES)
-Swim with me! Come on, let's...
-Look, I'm feeling a little scared.
-Oh, my gosh.
-What are you doing?
-I gotta float. Will you float with me?
-Sure.
-(GLASS SHATTERING)
-Okay, yeah. I don't know
if I'm following the whole thing.
-You ever done the butterfly?
-Okay.
It's a really hard stroke.
Nick, I think we got a problem.
What is this? It's a little bit much.
Um, just keep that on, keep that on.
No, no, no.
-Let's go.
-Okay, Brooke. I'm sorry.
Shit! (PANTING)
Nick, Nick. Come in, come in.
What's wrong?
Uh, okay, um... Brooke is gone.
-What happened?
-Check this out.
She strips down
to her bra and panties, right?
She's trying to seduce me...
We don't have time for this.
We need to find her.
Alex, what's your... Jesus Christ.
Brooke's missing.
Find Lee, start looking.
You check wardrobe and craft.
He checks bathrooms and dressing rooms.
Ron, you're on everything else.
Let's do it.
Brooke?
LEE: (THROUGH HEADSET)
Nick, I'm gonna check the lobby out here.
-Have you seen Brooke?
-No.
EMOTIONAL ERIC: Is Brooke missing?
Just remain calm for once.
I am an emotional person. That's who I am.
Hey, buddy, little bird said there was
some ecstasy floating around here?
Not now, Micky.
Brooke?
Move. Move, move, move.
(GRUNTS)
-Found her?
-No. No sign of her.
ALEX: No one's seen her.
RON: I got nothing.
Shit. Where haven't we checked?
LEE: Uh, oh, outside.
Right now,
that would be our best case scenario.
The pit.
(SQUEAKING)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Brooke is in the elevator.
I'm gonna miss my cue.
-BROOKE: Whoo! Whoo!
-Brooke!
Brooke, please,
you gotta get out of there.
-Come on. Come on.
-Oh, God. Feels so good.
-You're rolling on ecstasy.
-(BROOKE LAUGHS)
(BREATHILY) I feel like I'm 25 again.
I'm about to go out on a stage
for the very first time.
You remember that feeling?
Off to the sun.
Off to the sun.
Your whole career ahead of you.
Like an arrow shooting straight up.
You remember that feeling?
I do.
But I also remember the feeling that comes
right after that, Brooke.
Giant fucking arrow,
pointing straight down.
Brooke, come on, come on, come on!
What are you doing?
-(MACHINE POWERING UP)
-Hey, what are you doing?
JC: (SINGING)
When you're dancing in the night
Oh, fuck? Oh, no, no, no.
Brooke, hit the button. Hit the button.
Hit the fucking button.
You're stealing my thunder.
CHORUS: Upside, inside out
(MUSIC STOPS)
(AUDIENCE MURMURING)
NICK: Um.
Uh...
Could... Could you just... Thank you.
-FEMALE PERFORMER: (GASPS) Oh.
-Fuck!
(MALE AUDIENCE MEMBER EXCLAIMING)
(CROWD LAUGHING)
(AUDIENCE CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)
Ghosts!
Uh...
What the hell was that?
-(CROWD LAUGHING)
-Oh...
There is always a few glitches
while traveling through flashbacks.
Totally normal.
Back to the music, shall we?
Come on!
CHORUS: Upside, inside out
CREW MEMBER 1: Nick, are you okay?
CREW MEMBER 2:
Nick, what the hell was that?
What the hell happened out there?
She's... Brooke was gonna ruin this show.
What the dick was that?
Oh.
(STUTTERING)
Brooke was... We... We... We gave...
(IMITATES NICK)
What, are you having a stroke?
What, are you trying to reclaim
your 15 minutes of fame?
-You are trying to sabotage the show.
-Sabotage?
No, I was trying to save the show.
You're just lucky Nick Lachey is quick
on his feet with the improv out there.
And you...
You, young lady, are a goddam star.
(LAUGHS) Thank you, sir.
One more fuck up out of you,
and you're gonna be stage managing shows
down in Tijuana
where donkeys fuck humans.
Donkeys penetrating human beings!
You coordinating the whole thing.
Great job, everybody!
Keep up the good work.
That's what I'm talking about.
That's 15 minutes
for intermission, everybody.
What's wrong with you, Nick?
What's wrong with me?
You broke up with me, you know?
And I've been totally cool about it.
Completely cool about it.
Then you psych me out before I go onstage,
now this!
(CHUCKLES) Okay...
I'm so sorry that I'm ruining...
I don't have time for your bullshit.
-I gotta go to JC's room and rehearse.
-Oh!
Yeah, go rehearse with JC.
(LAUGHS) We all know what that means.
Just make sure he doesn't rehearse
all over that new costume of yours.
(SCOFFS)
You're an asshole.
Fuck.
WALDO: (THROUGH SPEAKERS)
All right, everybody,
that's 15 minutes for intermission.
(SNIFFING)
Xavier.
Xavier, hey. Can you come
and help me with this quick change?
Brian no available?
No, Brian no available.
Thank you so much.
I just always have so much trouble
with this quick change.
So, I'm just gonna take that off.
You can help me if you can.
Are you stuck?
No. No. No, I'm not stuck.
Um, you know what?
Can you just undo my bra for me, please?
Thank you.
-Oh, wow, you are so quick on the trigger.
-XAVIER: De nada.
(LAUGHS) Okay, no, no.
Where are you going?
I need to practice my next steps,
because I so new.
No. No, you're not going anywhere
until you tell me what you think.
-Of what?
-Of these big, old titties.
-What are you doing? This is...
-Oh, my God. It's so hot, right?
-It's like raw, sexual tension, just...
-Whoa! I'm feeling something.
Yeah, I feel it too. I feel it too, baby.
No, I think I feel, how you say, a lump.
A lump? A lump of what?
Yeah, maybe a cancer lump or something,
here on your left booby.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I've never felt that before.
Probably, it's nothing.
But it's also, probably, very serious.
You should get this checked out.
(WHIMPERS)
Hey, man.
Is Chloe in there?
Yeah, but she might be a while...
You know they hooked up last night, right?
I think that was just,
kind of, a one-time thing.
(EXHALES DEEPLY) I don't know, man.
JC's always been a pimp.
I heard he got to all the girls
on The Mickey Mouse Club first.
Britney, Christina, Keri Russell,
Ryan Gosling's mom.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Hey, Nicky. What's up, guy?
Hey, uh, I just wanted to
check in on your Act 2 cues.
There's that one
that you kept missing in rehearsal?
Yes, before Come Baby Come. I got it now.
Thanks for the heads-up.
Sure.
Anything else?
I guess not.
All right then. Bye, bye, bye.
(SINGING) Bye, bye
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
Micky.
What are you doing with...
What is that,
duct tape, industrial lubricant?
Is that a 12-pack of scented PlugIns?
Just being inventive, man, you know.
Desperate times.
WALDO: (THROUGH SPEAKERS) 10 minutes left
for intermission, everyone, 10 minutes.
Enjoy.
(GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING)
She's like the wind through my tree
She rides the night next to me
She leads me through moonlight
Only to burn me with the sun
She's taken my heart
She doesn't know what she's done
Just a fool to believe
I am anything she needs
I'm such a cornball.
-(GRUNTS)
-(LAUGHING)
(SNIGGERS)
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) What's so funny?
(LAUGHING)
It's funny. It's...
Oh, God, you're serious. Oh.
You mean this actually works for you?
This works 100% of the time.
(LAUGHS)
I'm really sorry, 'cause it's just
not doing it for me.
Because you have no soul
and you don't like awesome, awesome music?
(LAUGHS) No. No, I really...
I appreciate the gesture, but...
This is just not my thing, you know.
Your thing?
Enlighten me.
Really?
Okay, well, first of all,
any one of, like, the million girls
that you've ever sung that to
only went for it because you're JC Chasez,
that's it.
Second... (LAUGHS)
Will you look at this room?
We're, like, sitting in a shrine to you.
Your whole thing
is just like a smoke screen.
Okay.
Thank you
for the life lessons, chorus girl.
(CHLOE CHUCKLES)
I'm sorry. JC, listen, I get it.
Rejection is hard.
-For everyone.
-(SIGHS)
But if I may, please, tell you that
if you ever want a real relationship,
with anybody, that's worthwhile,
you're gonna have to cut the bullshit.
Yeah, I do want that.
CHLOE: Then you got to
be willing to be vulnerable.
You have to be willing to fall, like,
flat on your face sometimes, you know.
You have to, like, strike out. (LAUGHS)
I got to strike out more?
Please.
You mean, like,
serenading you like a douche bag?
(LAUGHS)
-Yes. Let's call that one strike one.
-Deal.
Or...
-This beautiful thing here.
-Hmm-mmm.
That's definitely strike two.
Perfect. Okay. I'm swinging hard!
-(GRUNTS)
-(LAUGHING)
How about, uh,
I come right down the middle?
-(EXHALES SHARPLY)
-Okay.
I'm the other guy from NSYNC.
Nobody cares anymore.
So, I bullshit because...
That's what bullshitters do. (LAUGHS)
I'm never gonna get what I really want.
I'm never gonna get someone
amazing like you.
(LAUGHS)
-Strike three, I know.
-No.
No. No, that was actually a base hit.
NICK: I think you should go first.
Hang on.
-Hey!
-Hey.
What's, uh, going on in there?
Nothing, just had
a really nice conversation.
Oh, okay. Did he tell you that God must
have spent a little more time on you?
No, he invited me to the Hamptons
with him though.
-What? What did you say?
-Yeah.
I told him that I would think about it.
(CHUCKLES) Seriously?
Yeah. You know, he really opened up to me.
Just really nice when man has the balls
to put himself out there.
-Oh, okay.
-Hmm-mmm.
What's that supposed to mean?
Look, is there something
that you want to say to me, Nick?
I didn't think so.
(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Nope. Nope.
No.
Hey, rim job,
any late-breaking developments?
Uh, let me think. There's a rumor going
around that you got titty cancer?
It's a benign fibrocystic mass.
Anyway, I was just coming in here
to offer my condolences.
Condolences for what?
-Losing the contest.
-(SCOFFS, CHUCKLES)
BRANDY: See, I'm about to take Xavier down
and I am pulling out all the stops.
Well, I would love to see you in action.
Genie gonna grant your wish, motherfucker.
(LAUGHS)
Hey! Xavier!
Hit it, bitches!
-(PEOPLE EXCLAIM)
-(MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, you're gonna wanna sit down for this.
(SINGING) I know what boys like
I know what guys want
I know what boys like
I've got what boys like
I make them want me
I like to tease them
They want to touch me
I never let them
I know what boys like
Boys like, boys like me
But you, you're special
FEMALE CHORUS: (SINGING) She might let you
You're so much different
She might let you
Ooh, did you like that?
(SINGING) Sweat, baby, sweat, baby
Sex is a Texas drought
Me and you do the kind of stuff
that only Prince would sing about
So put your hands down my pants
and I'll bet you'll feel nuts
Yes, I'm Siskel, yes I'm Ebert
And you're getting two thumbs up
Do it now
You and me baby
we ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do like they do
on the Discovery Channel
MALE CHORUS: (SINGING) Get horny now
You and me baby
we ain't nothin' but mammals
-So let's do it like they do...
-I know what boys like
-...on the Discovery Channel
-I know what guys want
MALCOLM: Okay, Ms. Titties. Let's do this.
Buckle up, biatch. Ready, ladies?
-(FEMALE PERFORMERS GRUNTING)
-(WHISTLING)
FEMALE PERFORMER 1: Whoo!
MAN 1: Here we go.
BRANDY: Come on, come on.
(CROWD CHEERING, EXCLAIMING)
-FEMALE PERFORMER 2: Okay, let's go.
-(PEOPLE CHEERING)
BRANDY: Work it, girl.
MAN 2: Here we go, here we go.
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
You like how that tastes?
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
Well, who's it gonna be, guy?
-I don't know what to say.
-Do the right thing and pick me.
Do the wrong thing and pick me.
It's much hotter.
I must admit, at first I was, like,
creeped out by you guys.
-Like, a lot.
-Oh, thank you.
But now, with the singing and the dancing,
I mean, that was really, really nice.
Do I have to choose right now? Here?
-Yes, you have choose right now.
-Take a pick now.
Okay. Well, you both were amazing.
But I think in the end, I must choose...
-Malcolm.
-(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
-What the fuck?
-FEMALE PERFORMER 1: What?
-MALCOLM: Hmm.
-Why? Why him and not me?
You're too mean and pushy.
Don't worry we'll video it
and you can watch.
MAN: Aw...
FEMALE PERFORMER 1:
Brandy? Brandy, come back.
What are you guys doing?
-We're back in 30 seconds. Get in costume.
-Oh!
WALDO: (THROUGH SPEAKERS)
Places! Places, everybody!
Power up the screen machine.
Start bringing down the house lights.
Micky, what are you doing? Get to the pit.
(LIQUID BUBBLING)
Okay.
Let's get turnt up.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
"Here lies Baz Paisley.
"He only had one hit"?
I knew it.
But it is that very fear
that is making this your destiny.
What do you mean?
You're so frightened
you may never have another hit,
it actually stopped you from writing one.
You see, sometimes,
when we want something so bad,
we push it away.
Because we can't stand the thought
of reaching for it
and failing.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
What's happening?
Time together is over, Baz.
You can't leave. I need you.
Remember, one hit wonders
are trapped in the past.
But the future...
The future is yet to be written.
No!
WALDO: (THROUGH SPEAKERS) That's a wrap
on the Ghost of Greatest Hits Past.
10 minutes to curtain call.
BROOKE: My costume fits you nicely.
Oh, Brooke, hi.
How're you feeling?
Like there is a black hole in my brain
and it keeps expanding.
-So, it's true?
-Yeah. Nick club drugged me and now
I'm trapped in a room with a babysitter.
Yeah, just keeping the vibe
kind of mellow. Jazzy.
God, it's like he's trying
to make this night a complete disaster.
Well, I hope you're enjoying
the spotlight.
Come on,
you'll be in this costume tomorrow.
Don't patronize me,
I used to be the ingenue once.
Now look at your future.
I just think you're having a bad night.
Try a bad decade.
I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking, I'm never gonna end up
like Brooke Tremme.
-I wasn't thinking that.
-(LAUGHS)
You will, one day, eventually.
Tide rolls in, you're all washed up.
(SINGING) Once upon a time
I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing you can do
It's a total eclipse of the heart
I hope you enjoy tonight, brown eyes.
'Cause tonight's the best it's gonna get.
Hey! Are you working
for the electrical crew now?
Huh?
Well, every time you go out there,
you light up the stage. (LAUGHS)
(SINGING) Sexy Lady!
Oh, hey. By the way, I hope you enjoy
the view in that dressing room
'cause tomorrow night
that's gonna be yours.
Wait, you're firing Brooke?
Well, I prefer to call it shit-canning,
but yeah.
(IMITATES GUNSHOT)
We're putting that cow out to pasture.
And I did say cow.
We're having steak tonight! (LAUGHS)
(SNIFFLING)
What? Come to wag
your shit-covered dick in my face?
Look, I get it. I lost everything.
MALCOLM: You didn't lose everything.
I lost the competition,
I lost my kind of boyfriend,
and I definitely lost whatever it was
that made men attracted to me
in the first place.
(SIGHS)
-I have to tell you something.
-What?
Xavier is gay.
-You said he was bi.
-Like, really gay.
Like, "Nathan Lane fellating
Neil Patrick Harris
"at the Tony's" gay.
-Is that true?
-Totally. (CHUCKLES)
I feel really bad
about how hard I was on you.
So, I'd like to make it up to you.
I'd like for you to join Xavier and me
in a threesome.
-You don't mean that.
-Oh, I mean it. I do.
Really?
It's the mature thing to do.
And you think that I'm hot enough?
Let's ask a straight guy. Brian!
Yo! What's happening?
Area code this bitch.
(EXHALES DEEPLY) Feeling generous. 6-1-7.
-I'll take it.
-You'll take it?
All right.
So that's it?
-You're actually going away with him?
-I'm not.
-I'm quitting the show.
-What?
-I'm leaving New York for good.
-Wait, you're...
You're quitting everything?
Tonight was supposed to be
the most important night for me and...
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
I just saw where things were headed.
Do you wanna know when I was the happiest?
Back when I was a chorus girl.
And we were together.
And it was just the two of us eating
shitty late night pizza after the show
and just going to karaoke with Malcolm.
That was enough for me.
But I guess that wasn't enough for you.
No, it was.
Why'd you end it?
I just... I thought that
-maybe we were moving a little...
-Moving fast?
Nick, I wanted to move in
after four years together.
And you got stage fright.
But I get it, that's your thing.
Do you know what?
I'm gonna do you a favor and I'll be
the one to put myself out there.
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
I still love you.
You want me to say "I love you"?
I mean, I do.
(SCOFFS)
Could you just...
You know...
(SINGING) When the night is falling
You cannot find the light
If you feel your dreams are dying
Hold tight
Don't let go
You've got the music in you
One dance left
This world is gonna pull through
Don't give up
You've got a reason to live
You can't forget
You only get what we give
Am I supposed to sing back to you
or something? I don't...
Nick, I promise you, I promise
that if you open up you won't get hurt.
Okay?
I just...
(STUTTERS) I don't know what you want.
No, you don't.
(SIGHS)
And I guess you never will.
I gotta go say goodbye to everybody.
Wait, you're not even gonna stay
for your curtain call?
Chloe, this is your shot!
You're just gonna throw it away?
I learned from the best.
ALEX: (THROUGH HEADSET)
Nick, where are you?
Nick, what's your 20?
Not a great time for a coffee break. Nick?
WALDO: (THROUGH RADIO)
Alex, one of the lighting cables
for the closing number is down.
(VOICE BREAKING)
Is it true? Chloe is quitting the show.
Alex, I sweat through again.
My nips are showing.
I can't go on stage like this.
My dad's in the front row.
Guys, stress like this
can cause premature labor.
-Okay.
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Everybody, calm the fuck down!
Eric, life is dramatic,
so do what everybody else does,
and pop a Xanax, huh?
Brian, Debbie needs a costume,
switch stat.
And Monica, I vote Republican,
but I will personally abort
your wimpy baby
if it means you'll stop talking about it
every five seconds.
-(BREATHING DEEPLY)
-(WHIMPERING)
Well? Go!
DEBBIE: All right.
EMOTIONAL ERIC: Okay, okay.
(SIGHS, CHUCKLES)
Yo!
You know they're looking
for you in there, right?
Chloe is quitting the show.
Wait, what?
She's quitting because of me.
-Go get her.
-Tried. It's too late.
So what? That's it?
Did you know that this show is about me?
A loser who had one shot and blew it.
(GROANS) Not Brazillia again, baby.
-You gotta get over that shit.
-How?
Everything that's wrong in my life
can be traced back to that one night.
Do you know how many shows close
opening night?
I know. I've been there.
Yes, it knocks you down,
but you gotta get your ass back up
and get to steppin'.
-No, Malcolm. That was my shot.
-Take another shot.
You're only a one hit wonder
until your next hit, right?
I fucked it up.
That's what I do, I fuck everything up!
Yes! Okay! You fucked up!
Way worse than...
You fucked up so much,
ain't nothing left to fuck up.
I'm so sick of you, man.
I'm sick of you
always feeling sorry for yourself.
I'm sick of you never wanting
to take chances, it's a... (CHUCKLES)
I was gonna say,
"It's a shitty way to live life."
But you don't really live life,
do you?
You're a punk, man.
A fucking punk.
WALDO: (THROUGH RADIO) Nick, Mr. Goldmeyer
is pretty pissed off. Nick?
MR. GOLDMEYER: (THROUGH RADIO)
God damn it, Nick! Where the fuck are you?
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(ECHOING) Oh!
Where the fuck do you think you're going?
(SINGING) I just wanna kiss you soft
And sex you gently
I wanna sex you gently
(MUSIC STOPS)
(AUDIENCE MURMURING)
(SINGING) Hold on little girl
Show me what I've done to you
Stand up little girl
-A broken heart can't be that bad
-(FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBER GIGGLES)
When it's through, it's through
Fate will twist the both of you
So come on baby come on over
Let me be the one... (STUTTERS)
You got it.
(AUDIENCE MURMURING)
(SINGING)
I'm the one who wants to be with you
Deep inside I hope you feel it, too
-Waiting on a line of greens and blues
-Greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you
-(GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING)
-Build up your confidence
So you can be on top for once
Wake up who cares about
Little boys that talk too much
I've seen it all go down
Our game of love was all rained out
So come on, baby, come on over
Let me be the one to hold you
ALL: (SINGING)
I'm the one who wants to be with you
I'm the one
Deep inside I hope you feel it, too
Feel it too
CHORUS: (SINGING)
Waited on a line of greens and blues
(SINGING) Waited on a line
CHORUS: (SINGING)
Just to be the next to be with you
(SINGING)
Why be alone when we can be together baby
You can make my life worthwhile
I can make you start to smile
CHORUS: (SINGING)
I'm the one who wants to be with you
(SINGING) I'm the one
CHORUS: (SINGING)
Deep inside I hope you feel it too
Feel it too
CHORUS: (SINGING)
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Waited on a line
CHORUS: (SINGING)
Just to be the next to be with you
Just to be the next to be with you
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
You! Yeah!
(IMITATES WHISTLING)
I can't do that!
What'd you think?
-A little pitchy.
-Yeah, I'm out of practice.
That's my man.
Whoo! (SCATTING)
MR. GOLDMEYER: Fuck you!
(CHUCKLES)
(CHUCKLES)
Um, it's okay.
Mammy's looking down on me from space.
Do you mean heaven?
I mean space.
(LAUGHS) Oh, shit!
(PANTING) Oh my, God!
That was amazing.
Whoo!
That's the best review I've had in years.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Ready for the encore?
(APPLAUDING) Wow!
You guys are amazing.
I mean, a pleasure to watch.
Grabs my balls and says...
-What does he say?
-(BOTH LAUGHING)
The understudy?
I'm sorry,
I forgot you have a learning disability.
-Let me help you out.
-I can't do it, I'm sorry.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I'm never like this. I swear to God.
How are you feeling?
Like there's a black hole in my brain
that sounds like a phone.
Nobody respects you because you
wear your headset like a fucking tiara.
I don't even have my headset on.
(LAUGHING)
(GRUNTING, LAUGHING)
-That's all of it.
-(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
NICK: Where is it? (SIGHS)
Come on. (SIGHS) Where is it?
What the... Are you kidding me?
Jesus.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TELEVISION)
MALE ANNOUNCER: Coming to Broadway,
One Hit Wonderland.
NICK: Yes...
MALE ANNOUNCER:
Starring NSYNC's, JC Chasez.
JC: (SINGING OVER TELEVISION)
One Hit Wonderland
MALE ANNOUNCER: You're only a one hit
wonder, until your second hit.
-(NICK SIGHS)
-MALE ANNOUNCER: Featuring new versions
of all your favorite
one hit wonders of the past.
Visit telecharge.com
to book your ticket to...
-MALE VENDOR 1: Here you go, Nick.
-Thanks, man.
CHLOE: (CHUCKLES)
I can't keep up with your sexual workload.
MALCOLM: Then what about you and Nick?
How many times do y'all do in a week?
CHLOE: I don't know, three or four.
-(MALCOLM LAUGHS)
-What?
-Oh, honey.
-Why you're...
-Wait, that can't be right.
-What is wrong with that?
Come here. Nicky, come here.
You mean to tell me you are only entering
this beautiful creature
three or four times in a week?
Yeah. But to be fair, she was also
entering me three or four times a week.
-(LAUGHS)
-So, you know, it's not so bad.
I like that.
MALCOLM: Oh, which reminds me...
Where were you last night, bitch?
You could not be found.
I do not kiss and tell.
BOTH: Ooh...
Okay, sister, come on, spill it.
-No, seriously, stop it.
-Oh.
-Right.
-Oh.
Oh, come on, (STUTTERS)
we broke up, like, a year ago.
Yeah, I know and still,
my lips are sealed.
Oh, we know that can't be the case.
Or else there'd be no story to tell.
-Oh!
-(MALCOLM LAUGHS)
Guys, we got, like, 10 minutes to show.
Thank you.
Shit! I need to do my vocal warm-ups.
So help me out.
(GROANS) Hmm. (HUMMING)
I'm right here, start right here...
(BOTH SCATTING)
Guys, can you stop that? You know...
You know, I hate that.
CHLOE: What, this?
-(BOTH SCATTING)
-Yes.
This is why I hate musical theater.
-Oh, come on, you know you love it.
-I don't.
(SINGING) When the night is falling
Please, don't do this.
-You cannot find the light
-(MALCOLM SCATTING)
Thank you.
You feel your dreams are dying
Hold tight
Come on, Nicky. Just gotta pose it.
(CHUCKLES) Guys, guys...
Don't you think it's, like, really cheesy
when people just,
like, randomly break into song?
It's... It's fucking corny.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
BOTH: (SINGING) You got the music in you
NICK: All right.
Don't let go
You got the music in you
Fuck you, guys.
One last time
(INDISTINCT CHATTER BACKSTAGE)
NICK: Hey, everyone, this is not a drill.
I need you to report to the stage,
start getting into places.
WALDO: (OVER HEADSET) Nick,
afraid we've got a bit of a problem here,
one of the background dancers
called in sick.
NICK: Call Wicked,
have them send over one of their spares.
WALDO:
We've got a packed house out there, mate.
NICK: Well, let's not fuck it up.
-Nine minutes to curtain, everybody.
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(SINGING) Nine minutes will be nine!
Save it for the show, buddy.
ALEX: We just blew a bulb
in the opening backdrop.
-What?
-Yeah.
What, right now? Which bulb?
The big one. One that...
(INDISTINCT MUMBLING)
This... One...
-There's... (INDISTINCT MUMBLING)
-What? What are you...
Okay, look, not again.
I know that you have a tendency to swallow
your words in high-stress situations,
but you gotta give me a chance, okay?
I need you tonight.
-Breathe, breathe...
-(BREATHING DEEPLY)
Breathe with me.
Okay, which bulb?
The big one. The one that dots the "I".
Attagirl. Hey, Waldo, we lost some rays.
I need you to run a second ball of
sunshine up to the opening backdrop, okay?
WALDO: (THROUGH HEADSET)
Brilliant, I'm on it.
-He's good to go.
-Okay.
Nick. Thank God, man.
Please, tell me you're carrying.
-Carrying?
-Marijuana.
You know, the muse to the common musician.
I left my stash at home.
Micky, I don't have any weed on me.
Well, I can't play the bass guitar
unless I'm on drugs, Nick.
No one can.
That's how the bass guitar works.
Okay, I'm sorry.
It's just that I'm a fucking hack, man.
I got nothing without my weed. Nothing.
Except for a crippling drug dependency.
-I want Malcolm off the fucking show.
-Not now, Brandy.
He's a weaselly little tank tickler
who sings like a deaf otter with HPV.
Wow!
You really are the Picasso of insults.
You know, I have a theory that you
actually write these the night before...
Just fire him.
Did he do something to you?
Shut up and fire him, or I quit.
-Well, you will be missed.
-(GASPS)
You're a dickless, talentless
micropenis pageboy
and nobody respects you
'cause you wear your headset
like a little tiara.
See, that one. Just...
Didn't really feel off the cuff.
-Eight minutes to show, ladies.
-Fuck it.
Nick, so now that I'm pregnant,
I'm probably gonna get tired
pretty easily out there.
So if I get winded, I'm just gonna
walk offstage and catch a quick breather.
What? No, you can't just walk offstage
in the middle of a number.
(CHUCKLES) Nick,
I'm carrying precious cargo.
Monica, you are literally
three days pregnant.
You asked us all to do coke with you
in the Bar Centrale bathroom last week.
(LAUGHS) Well, that was before I received
this little blessing.
Now, that's why you received
this blessing. You'll be fine.
-Nick, additional concern.
-Sure.
I've already sweat through.
You think these stains will read onstage?
Uh, yes, those would read from space.
Tina, can you fire up the blow-dryer,
help Debbie out here?
WALDO: (THROUGH HEADSET) Nick, I'm afraid
we have another issue with Emotional Eric.
-(EMOTIONAL ERIC CRYING)
-MALE PERFORMER 1: Babe, it is in there.
MALE PERFORMER 2: Baby, I am so sorry...
What happened?
Mammy died.
-Your grandmother died?
-Wait.
My grandmother died?
-Wait, what?
-His grandmother died?
-No, no, no.
-Granny and now Mammy...(CRYING)
No. Good Lord. Who the fuck is Mammy?
It's his pet marmoset.
-Oh. Well, of course.
-Stay strong.
NICK: Hey, guys. Guys, I get it, okay?
Mammy seemed like
she was a really special...
It's a he.
...rodent. But...
I need you all to get to first positions.
I think it's what Mammy might have wanted.
-Okay.
-Good.
-I'll do it for Mammy.
-(MALE PERFORMERS CHATTERING)
That's the spirit.
Hey, let's do this one for Mammy.
-Huh, guys?
-MALE PERFORMERS: Hurray!
All right. Yeah!
-XAVIER: Hello.
-You, backup dancer?
-Si, Xavier.
-(WHISTLING)
NICK: Hola. Me llamo Nick.
Thanks so much for coming
on such short notice.
I think I know you.
You're an actor too, no?
-No, no, no.
-Yes, I think I saw you in the theater...
No. Xavier, look, I've been working
on Broadway for six years.
You sing and dance and you have an
affinity for Lycra. You know me.
Who here wants to get X to wardrobe?
-MALE SINGER: I will help him.
-Right here.
I will help him.
NICK: Never a lack of subtlety.
-Seven minutes to show, guys.
-XAVIER: You have to take this?
MALE SINGER: This must be
what it's like to undress The Rock.
You got any idea why
Brandy might want you off the show?
Oh, it's probably because
I fucked her boyfriend last night.
(CHUCKLES)
-You fucked Brandy's boyfriend last night?
-Oh, absolutely.
Why didn't you say anything about it?
Hmm.
I didn't think it was that interesting.
(CHUCKLES)
Hey, um...
-Weird question. Are you holding?
-Hmm.
Nick... Drugs?
What is the pressure of the big night
getting to you?
-(CHUCKLES) It's for someone else.
-Shut up. You know I'm playing with you.
(SINGING) You know I got you
-Thank you.
-Okay.
Any word on who Chloe... You know.
Who Chloe, what?
You know, last night... Who she...
Last night.
Why are you doing this to me?
(LAUGHS)
This is killing you, isn't it?
Shut up. (SIGHS)
(ORCHESTRA MUSIC PLAYING)
Guys, six minutes to show.
-Micky...
-(EXCLAIMS)
Fuck yeah. Maestro, we are back.
Shit! Who's got a lighter?
-(WOMEN GIGGLING)
-Ladies...
Come on, what's going on in there?
JC, come on.
Oh.
-Thank you.
-FEMALE PERFORMER 1: Sorry.
-Let's get back to the dressing room.
-FEMALE PERFORMERS: Bye, JC!
Nick, we were just doing
some vocal warm-ups.
Want to make sure
that once we get out there,
we're all NSYNC.
Get it?
I get it every time, JC.
Look, it's five minutes to show,
why do we always have to
cut this so close?
-Come here.
-Okay.
The secret to success is relaxation.
-I'm relaxed.
-No.
You know, there was another guy in my band
who couldn't relax, either?
To be honest with you,
he was just as good a singer as me
and the other guy.
-Justin Timberlake?
-Whoever.
Anyway, he should have been
front and center far more than he was,
but he was in the closet
dealing with some personal issues.
I'm not gonna say who it was.
It was Lance Bass.
So, you know what I'm talking about.
I don't think I do.
Once Lance had the courage to say,
"Hey, world,
I'm as gay as you thought I was,"
everything got better.
I'm not gay, JC.
(LAUGHS)
You sound just like Lance.
Hey, Sir Joshua S. Chasez!
You long-dick motherfucker!
Whoo! There it is. Look at you! Huh!
You are a goddamned living god.
Come on, Mitch. Nobody's a living god.
But, if there was one, it's gonna be me.
-MITCH: Yeah!
-Get it?
He nailed it! Nailed it!
You never looked better, babe.
All right, listen to me, you little shit.
I need you to keep that
glorified backup singer focused.
-Do you understand?
-Yes, Mr. Goldmeyer.
(EXHALES DEEPLY) Between him and Brooke,
this show is hanging on
by the string of your tampon.
I thought they looked decent
in rehearsals.
Decent? Decent?
You, of all people, should know
"decent" ends a show's run
on opening night.
We got one shot at this.
Now, where is that fucking crypt keeper?
-Hey! (LAUGHS)
-Oh.
There she is! Wow! (GASPS)
-What a star!
-A star? (LAUGHS)
How come when you google Brooke Tremme,
it auto-fills,
"Whatever happened to Brooke Tremme?"
"Whatever happened to"
is now officially my first name.
(LAUGHS)
-And so modest.
-Yeah.
So modest.
You really are the full package.
Nick, is she a goddess or what?
Nick?
-We might need a touch-up on Brooke.
-ALEX: (THROUGH HEADSET) Copy that.
Thanks for the honesty, Nick.
-You look great.
-(DOOR CLOSES)
Hey, dickhead,
you think I don't know she needs makeup?
She is one bad lighting setup away
from passing for Mel Brooks.
-Sure.
-(TISKING)
-I'm not done yet. Mel Brooks' asshole.
-Wow.
Now, it's our job
to keep that morbid bitch happy.
So you just keep blowing smoke up
that cellulite ass chimney of hers.
-Got it?
-Got it.
Hey, fuckballs, is that a hard-on?
Do you have a hard-on in my hallway?
-Knock that shit off!
-Is he gone? Ugh!
Should you be smoking
before you have to sing?
Oh, let's be honest,
at this point in my career,
I'm only doing it for the money anyway.
Brooke, you've worked too hard
to really mean that.
No, I worked hard
for The Beekeeper's Daughter.
I worked hard
for John Wayne's Rainbow Taxi.
I worked hard for Minorities The Musical.
That material was worthy of my talent.
For this?
Working for my agent's
summer rental on Lake Como
and another round of laser hair removal.
Hmm.
The vaginal kind.
No, I got that.
-Break a leg out there, Miss Tremme.
-Who the fuck are you?
Oh. Ron. Props.
You know, just because I work on the crew
doesn't mean I can't be a huge fan.
-And I am. Of you.
-Okay. (BLOWS SMOKE) Anyway.
Oh. It's so weird seeing, you know,
you so close.
It's like I could reach out and grab you,
you know.
-I won't.
-Dude.
Ron, don't you have somewhere
you need to be?
If by "somewhere to be" you mean
"backstage at the hottest musical
this town's ever seen,"
then I think I'm in the right spot.
That's not what I mean. Get back to props.
-Now.
-Oh. Okay. Time to put on a show.
Whoo. (LAUGHS)
Golly.
That kind of unbridled optimism
literally makes me wanna puke.
Excuse me while I do that.
7-1-9...
-Wait, 1-8...
-Brian...
Stop looking at the audience
and get on last looks.
Dude, there is a lot of talent
in the house tonight.
Check out the 8-1-8s in the front row.
8-1-8s?
Area code, you know?
No.
Look, first digit's a chick's face,
zero to nine.
Second digit, "Would you do them?"
One, you'd do them, zero, you wouldn't.
-Zeroes are rare, obviously.
-Obviously.
Third digit's, body. Again, zero to nine.
Look, Brian, I really don't have time
to grasp this incredibly
douchey sounding concept.
-TINA: Nick.
-One of the...
Look, here comes a 7-1-7.
Sweaty Debbie's mic is all soggy.
She needs a new one.
Before we do that, Tina,
let's get your costume adjusted here.
-(GRUNTS)
-Mmm... Oh!
-Last looks.
-Oh, um... (GIGGLES)
Way to keep it classy, babe.
BRIAN: All right,
now let's check that panty line.
(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome
to Broadway's Harper Lee Theater.
Please, turn off all cellphones, cameras,
and other electronic devices.
Texting and photography
are strictly prohibited.
(WOMAN LAUGHING)
Really?
Thank you and enjoy the show.
LEE: You are the type of girl
who needs to be swept off her feet.
(CHLOE GASPS)
And I might be the guy with the broom.
(LAUGHS)
And where will you be sweeping me?
Well, I might just sweep you
to a little spot that I like to call
"The Fuck Palace."
(SIGHS)
Damn it, Lee, no...
What the hell is "The Fuck Palace?"
Well, that's what I call my apartment.
What, your studio apartment
in Spanish Harlem is The Fuck Palace?
Yeah, essentially.
-No.
-No?
No, no, no. I think... Yeah.
Not... Not... Not good?
Just... Just keep it light.
Keep it funny, okay?
Girls don't like to feel threatened.
-LEE: Thank you so much.
-(CHUCKLES)
I'm just having a really hard time getting
back in the game after my wife left me.
You're a really, really good guy
and you'll get it.
-Promise.
-Okay.
-Okay. (LAUGHS)
-Thanks.
Oh, uh. By the way, before I forget,
do you have my money?
What, for the dating lessons?
No, for fantasy football.
Yeah, (STUTTERS)
I just don't have any cash on me.
-Oh, really? You sure?
-Yeah...
No, I mean... Let me see.
-Yeah, let me just see, too.
-No, you don't have to look. (GASPS)
Yeah, that's my emergency $20.
It's my emergency $20 now.
-Fine.
-Go.
You're gonna keep practicing your skills
tomorrow. You're making progress.
-No, I'm not.
-(CHUCKLES)
Damn!
-Pimps be chasing down them greenbacks.
-(CHUCKLES)
Yeah, I got all your little bitches
on my tip.
Oh, shit.
What you got for daddy?
Is it weird that I'm kind of
attracted to gangster Mozart?
You a fan of my motherfucking concerto?
You want me to Bach it up?
Bach. I got that reference.
Skedaddle like you know... Uh-oh!
-(CHUCKLES) Sorry.
-I was afraid this was gonna happen.
-What? (CHUCKLES)
-Look, look, last night was fun and all,
but the clinginess... It's a turn off.
-(STUTTERS) No, I was...
-It's easier this way.
No strings attached.
Catch that?
You fucked JC?
Chasez?
(CHUCKLES) I was really drunk,
you know that.
That's cool.
You know it's really none of my business.
Showtime. You should
probably get to first positions.
Oh, okay.
WALDO: (THROUGH SPEAKERS)
All right, people. Showtime.
You only get one opening night.
Let's make it count.
We got 30 seconds.
ALEX: (OVER HEADSET)
Roger that. Let's do this.
Break a leg, guys.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
MALE ANNOUNCER:
Rising up the charts to number...
(SINGING) Top 40.
And boom box in two, one...
(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
Right, smoke.
Let me get a little more smoke.
JC: (SINGING) There was a polka dot bikini
And a disco dancing duck
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
-They built a nation of kung fu fighters
But they soon ran out of luck
Why was their fame so fleeting?
Go, go, go.
JC: (SINGING) Cruel fate or fickle fans?
'Cause the shooting star only shot
as far as
One Hit Wonderland
Wonderland
(CHUCKLES) Who the fuck wrote this show?
(SINGING) We were all once dancing safely
Melting when the world was stopped
We relaxed when Frankie told us to
But how quickly we forgot
For every Springsteen
there's a Springfield
For every Beatles there's Ram Jam
Living in our hearts
forever topping charts
-In One Hit Wonderland
-(CHORUS SINGING)
See, One Hit Wonderland isn't exactly
a place anyone wants to visit.
But most people that have success
wind up getting a free one-way ticket.
One hit wonders have been around
since the first caveman
banged two rocks together.
But they took off like never before
in the '80s.
MALE CHORUS: (SINGING)
Amadeus, Amadeus, Amadeus
Amadeus, Amadeus, Amadeus
Amadeus, Amadeus, Amadeus
-(CROWD CHEERING)
-Rock me Amadeus
-Guys, go, go, go, go. Fuck off.
-JC: With the '90s came the CD.
And that meant a whole lot more classics
like this one.
Yo, VIP, let's kick it!
MALE CHORUS: (SINGING) Ice Ice Baby
-Vanilla Ice Ice Baby
-Word to your mother!
Heck. One hit wonders are even around
in the Internet age.
-Right, guys?
-(MUSIC PLAYING)
Do the Harlem Shake!
(SINGING IN SPANISH)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
(SINGING) But wait
There's one you've forgotten
Oh, please, no.
The one hit king
I've relinquished my throne
CHORUS: Please won't you indulge us?
Sing, boy sing
JC: Leave me alone
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Next up here at the Grantwood Lounge,
Baz Paisley.
CHORUS: (SINGING) Play your hit.
Sing Sex Me Gently. Play the hit.
Sorry, I don't play Sex Me Gently anymore,
not on the set list tonight, folks.
CHORUS: (SINGING)
You're the one hit wonder, baby
(SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Yo, Nicky.
Was I as late as I felt on
that last pelvic thrust, 'cause...
-I found out.
-(GRUNTS)
Chloe, huh? Who was it?
-JC Chasez.
-Ah!
-Uh-uh!
-Uh-uh!
Ooh! I would have figured her
for a Backstreet Girl.
-Nice.
-Uh-huh. You okay?
Yeah.
Look, I'm the one who broke up with her.
Of course, of course,
you thought things were moving
-way too quickly.
-Dude, she wanted to move in.
The only reason you're trippin'
about moving in with each other
is because she's so far
out of your league.
-Oh, thanks.
-You know what I'm saying.
You break her heart first
before she breaks yours.
The funny thing is y'all have been
making goo-goo eyes at each other
for the last year.
We're all sick of it.
Everybody's waiting on you to bust a move.
She just fucked the other guy from NSYNC.
I get that, but she was wasted.
She probably hadn't had any good dick
since you.
Did you just complement my dick?
I did.
-Thank you.
-You are welcome.
Look, you gotta
put yourself out there, man.
-For real.
-(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
Uh, oh. Crank this, this is my jam.
-(MUSIC VOLUME INCREASES)
-You gotta pull the trigger.
No, no, no, no.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(SINGING) You're on a mission
and you're wishin'
-Someone could cure your lonely condition
-This is fucking lame.
Lookin' for love in all the wrong places
No fine girls just ugly faces
-Some frustration first inclination
-(ALL EXCLAIMING, CHEERING)
Is to become a monk
and leave the situation
Come on over here without a second to lose
What comes next
-Hey, bust a move
-Can I...
(ALL EXCLAIMING, WHOOPING)
Thank you.
Get it!
Get it, girl!
MALCOLM: (SINGING) Yo, bust a move
MALE SINGER: Come on, Nick.
(MALE PERFORMERS CHEERING)
MALCOLM: Break it down for me, fellas.
(SING-SONG) Oh, yeah. Old school. Oh!
-No, no, no.
-Come on.
ALL: Five, six, seven, eight.
-Can I have the walkie talkie back?
-(ALL GROANING)
MALCOLM: Show 'em how it's done.
-Oh! Pop lock.
-That's impressive.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Show 'em what you got.
(ALL CHEERING)
That's enough.
-Little more.
-ALL: Uh-uh!
Uh-uh!
Uh-uh! Ah!
-(ALL CHEERING, WHOOPING)
-(MUSIC STOPS)
MALE PERFORMERS: (GROANING, EXCLAIMING)
-Nick.
-That was charging.
-Hey, Ron. Hey, man.
-Hey.
Listen, I am, uh, kind of looking
to take things up a notch tonight.
You holding anything?
-What do you mean?
-Like Oxys, Bennies, Xany bars...
(CHUCKLES) Oh, drugs? No, no, no, no.
I, uh, don't do drugs.
When I wanna get high,
I just take in the energy and excitement
and the talent of everybody backstage.
Including yours, Micky.
-Fuck you, Ron.
-Have a good show.
MICKY: Ladies, you holdin' anything?
-Brooke?
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
-You ready to rock?
-BROOKE: Yeah, yeah.
Let's just walk the plank
and get it over with, shall we?
Wow! Motivational and inspirational.
(BROOKE SCREAMS)
-Oh, my God! Brooke!
-It was an accident! It was an accident!
Jesus! Brooke? Brooke, are you okay?
Brooke?
Brooke, can you hear me?
God damn it, Ron. What the fuck happened?
I was bringing the chopstick back
to do the Turning Japanese number...
-Wait... Brooke's dead, too?
-No!
-What happened?
-She's not dead. Just calm down.
-(CRYING)
-Alex, we need a medic backstage.
-Stat. Fuck, is that blood?
-ALEX: (THROUGH HEADSET) You got it.
No, I actually just dropped the bucket
of fake soy sauce.
-Oh, thank God.
-Yeah, good thing it wasn't real soy sauce
or we would be in a very, uh, sticky
uh, situation. (CHUCKLES)
I will choke you.
Do you hear me?
I'll fucking strangle you until you're
fucking dead, okay?
-Point taken.
-LEE: Move, move!
-I'm here. Move! Move!
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Brooke? Brooke, can you hear me?
-Ah...
-(BROOKE COUGHS)
-Okay, she's breathing.
-(ALL EXCLAIMING) Thank you!
John 3:16.
Thank God.
-Follow my finger with your eyes.
-(GROANS SOFTLY)
-Oh, boy.
-LEE: Just with your eyes, not your head.
Okay, that's not better.
-No. This is clearly...
-Ah...
Okay, she has a concussion,
so let's get her to her room.
NICK: Okay. A little help here.
Sorry, I can't help in my condition.
Three days, Monica, three days.
No, no, no. Come on!
Who's responsible for this shit?
Uh, it was an accident, Mr. Goldmeyer.
I don't think anyone saw what happened.
Oh, really?
I could give a steaming pile of fucking
tiny dancer's shit here, you understand?
I want names.
Then it was me.
-(CHUCKLES)
-No.
It's okay, Nick. Uh...
It was me.
Hi, Mr. Goldmeyer, Ron Burke, props.
I actually knocked her unconscious
with a giant chopstick. (CHUCKLES)
'Cause I was never good with chopsticks,
you know? (CHUCKLES)
-You're fired.
-What?
No. Hey, look, I know it's a lot
to take in in the moment.
Maybe we just take a deep,
cleansing breath...
Get the fuck out of my face!
Totally trust your judgment.
Great call. Bye-bye.
Who is this fucking asshole, Nick?
You and your job exist
so that shit like this doesn't happen.
I know. I'm sorry.
Well...
Fuck!
We got no choice.
Get the understudy ready.
(STUTTERS) But it's opening night.
It's, like, too risky, right?
Do I pay you for your opinion, Beaker?
-Beaker?
-Beaker!
He's a mophead with the fucking hair
like yours and the... (SCATS)
Just get her changed
and get her through makeup.
The show goes the fuck on.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Oh, my God, Nick,
is this really happening?
NICK: It's happening.
I'm shaking.
Come on. We don't have a lot of time,
gangster Mozart.
Brian, Chloe is filling in for Brooke.
I need her changed
and touched up like yesterday.
Ah, Nick, this is so crazy.
You know I only signed up to understudy
for the extra pay, right?
-I know.
-(PANTING, CHUCKLING)
-(CHLOE SQUEALS)
-NICK: You know, if you want.
-Brandy knows the role.
-What do you mean?
-She could do it.
-CHLOE: I didn't say that I can't do it.
(EXHALES DEEPLY) I can't believe
you're bringing
your own insecurities into this right now.
My insecurities?
Whatever, stage fright.
That's ridiculous. I'm just scared.
Uh, for you.
-Projecting.
-Brian, could you shut the fuck up?
No, he's actually right.
Ever since Brazillia closed,
I haven't heard you sing not once.
You know that? Not even karaoke.
That was a choice.
I stopped performing
because I was sick of it.
You want to know the truth?
Musicals suck. (CHUCKLES) Okay?
This whole industry is a joke.
I mean, not...
Not...
Wow.
Thanks.
Alex, what's your 20? Wow!
I need you to get Chloe to Brooke's mark.
-Five minutes to go.
-You got it.
Thanks for the great pep talk.
(SIGHS)
JC: You're only a one hit wonder
until your second hit!
I can't take it anymore!
Don't fuck it up.
-Hey.
-Hi.
You've got this, baby girl.
-Hmm-mmm.
-You got this.
-Thanks, babe.
-Go.
Go, bitch.
JC: Well, it all comes down to this.
Goodbye, world.
Goodbye, life.
Whatever that magic was that allowed me
to write Sex Me Gently...
-(INHALES DEEPLY)
-JC: I lost it years ago.
It's not fair to give a person so much
just to take it away.
It's just not fair.
One hit wonders are trapped in a jail
called the past.
And it's a life sentence.
There's no escape except this.
Who are you?
Seriously.
Tell me.
Who are you?
(MALE AUDIENCE COUGHING)
No. No, no, no, no. (STUTTERS)
Talk, talk.
Just fucking say words, say words.
I am the ghost
of greatest hits past.
And I have come to take you
to a place called One Hit Wonderland.
JC: Ugh.
One hit wonders are all lame
and manufactured.
Every single one of them.
Especially mine.
-Join me, Baz, you'll see.
-(MUSIC PLAYING)
I'm scared.
CHLOE (AS GHOST OF GREATEST HITS PAST):
There's nothing to be scared of.
(SINGING) Dream of better lives
The kind which never hate
Trapped in a state of imaginary grace
I saw the world crashing
all around your face
Never really knowing
it was always mesh and lace
I'll stop the world and melt with you
Okay.
You've seen the difference
and it's getting better all the time
There's nothing you and I won't do
I'll stop the world and melt with you
I'll stop the world and melt with you
You've seen the difference
and it's getting better all the time
There's nothing you and I won't do
-(EXCLAIMS, LAUGHS)
-I'll stop the world and melt with you
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
So, will you come with me?
-Anywhere.
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(LAUGHING) Thank you.
Thank you, buddy. Thank you.
Hey.
Just wanted to tell you,
you did a great job out there.
(LAUGHS) Really?
Honestly, when I first saw you
come out on stage, I was like,
"Holy shit.
Girl's gone full-blown stalker."
-But then, you opened your mouth.
-(CHUCKLES)
-Wow!
-(LAUGHS)
Thank you.
You know, this changes everything.
How so?
(LAUGHING)
Oh, you'll see.
Hey, you... You were great out there.
Thank you.
I think it was your words of encouragement
that made all the difference.
(FEMALE PERFORMERS GIGGLING)
Now what happened?
I fucked it up like always.
Cheer up.
I could tell you an inspirational story
that might raise your spirits.
Okay, what story?
The one where
I power-bottom Brandy's boyfriend.
Oh. Well, whisk me away.
So after the dress rehearsal,
we all go to a Joe Allens.
So it was me, Brandy,
and her fine-ass boyfriend.
-Uh-huh.
-We're bullshitting, right.
And I swear to you, I was feeling a vibe.
-Oh, like, a "do me" vibe? Right.
-Total "do me" vibe.
So, she goes to the bathroom,
I slide next to him, I'm like, "Yo,
-"are we vibin'?"
-Hmm.
Dude looks at me dead in my face,
grabs my balls and goes,
"Let's light this candle."
Holy shit.
-He's poetic, too.
-Yeah, yeah. Well, obviously.
God, I had no idea he was gay.
Nick, there's a gay man in all of us.
Some of us a little further than others.
-Exactly.
-(CHUCKLES)
So, um, she comes back from the bathroom.
Real sneaky like, he says,
-"So, we gonna do this or what?"
-Uh-huh.
I say, "Baby, I am hard right now,"
and my shit was like...
-Yeah. I feel ya.
-You know what I mean?
-Did you wrap it up?
-Like a Hanukkah present.
-Shalom.
-Word.
So, he's real slick, says he's sick,
he leaves, I wait five minutes,
I follow his ass all the way back
to Brandy's apartment.
You banged Brandy's boyfriend
in her apartment?
Yes, I did.
She walks in on me tapping that ass
on the bidet.
-On the bidet?
-On the bidet.
Water was flying everywhere,
she came in, slipped...
Wait, wait, wait.
The bidet was on?
Oh, I wouldn't recommend it
at a novice level.
-Nixon, bro, favor.
-Sure.
-Anal whore!
-Oh!
Bitch, you better watch this face.
I'm on Broadway.
Why are you telling everybody
that you fucked my boyfriend?
You know what?
I understand why you're in denial.
You obviously weren't
fulfilling him sexually,
and I'm a much, much, much, much,
much, much, much,
much better lover than you.
(GASPS) I am a fantastic lover.
I am the hottest piece of ass
in musical theater,
and I can get any guy I want.
Okay. But not while I'm around.
Fine. Fine. Pick any guy.
I will bet you that I can get him
to do me before you.
(MALCOLM CHUCKLES)
You're serious? Okay. Uh...
Xavier.
BRANDY: The new guy? Isn't he gay?
Well, early reconnaissance says
he's bi, single, and shaved.
What is there, some kind of
underground gay intel network?
All I know is he's bi, fair fight.
Fine.
First one to bang Ricky Martin.
It is on, Don Juan.
You got it, fur burger.
Ass taxi.
Dildo diva.
-Butt slut.
-Queef queen.
-Tank tickler.
-Jizz junkie.
-Bitch tits.
-Fuck bucket.
Turd burglar.
-Twat waffle.
-Pecker wrecker.
-Cum bunny.
-Rundle bundle.
-Gwyneth Paltrow.
-Douche nozzle.
Cock pocket.
(SINGING) Cock pocket
-Grinder goblin.
-Adolf Titler.
Si...
-Hard on, be gone.
-Wait a minute.
Neander-whore.
-Something gay.
-Pancake nipples.
Fuck you, they're proportional.
-Hey, man, what's up? Hmm-mmm.
-Intermission.
I want you to make sure that new star
finds her way to my dressing room.
Oh...
Why?
We should just go over some stuff
in the second act, uh,
go over some steps.
You know how clumsy I can be
with these size 12s.
(LAUGHS)
Um, JC,
Chloe's special.
She's not like
all these other chorus girls, you know?
Nick, look.
One...
-(FEMALE PERFORMERS MOANING)
-JC: Two, three,
four, five.
What?
-(SINGING) Everybody's in the car
-Oh. (CHUCKLES)
so come on let's ride
Okay, you're not on stage anymore, so,
you know, there's no need to sing... Okay.
Pamela, Sandra and Rita
Yeah, here we go.
And as I continue
they're only getting sweeter
-(SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYING)
-Please, don't encourage him...
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING)
A little bit of Monica in my life
A little bit of Amy by my side
-A little bit of Eileen's is what I need
-(FEMALE PERFORMER GIGGLING)
A little... (MUMBLING)
Shall we... Let's wrap it up. No? Okay.
JC: (SINGING)
A little bit of Sandra in the sun
A little bit of Debbie all night long
A little bit of Jessica in the can
-A little bit of you makes me your man
-(FEMALE PERFORMER EXCLAIMS)
Oh, Jesus Christ.
(FEMALE PERFORMER EXCLAIMING)
(CHUCKLES) Great.
So you got it now. Chloe.
My dressing room. Intermission.
(CHUCKLES)
I fucking hate Broadway.
(GROANS)
NICK: Hey.
-How we doing, Brooke?
-BROOKE: Aspirin.
Uh, Alex, we got eyes on Lee out there?
ALEX: (THROUGH HEADSET)
Negative. Sorry, Nick.
It's thumping so hard
I want to kill myself.
Okay. Um...
Oh, maybe Lee's got something over here
in his bag.
-(GROANING)
-NICK: Oh!
(PILLS RATTLING)
Look at that.
Just take two of these...
Lean forward...
Okay.
And lean back.
We're gonna do it together then.
-(BELCHES)
-Great.
Hey, sorry, I got caught
watching the show.
You've seen Chloe out there?
She's like a star.
Oh...
Cool. Look, uh, Brooke was complaining
about her headache,
so I gave her some of the aspirin
from your jacket.
-My jacket?
-Yeah.
Nick! Those are ecstasy!
-Ecstasy?
-Shh!
Lee, you're the fucking stage medic.
What are you doing with a bottle
of ecstasy marked aspirin?
I started clubbing again, okay?
I gotta get back out there,
that's the only way
I can meet interesting women.
-Interesting women?
-Okay, fine, young women.
But what were you doing
going through my jacket?
-Jesus Christ...
-No, no, no, no.
We're fine, we're fine. Stay calm.
I only gave her two.
-Two, we're fucked!
-Brooke!
Brooke, how you doing?
You doing better?
Okay, good.
Listen, we're gonna need you to throw up.
-You have to upchuck, okay?
-Yeah, it'll make you feel better.
-Just spill, pull the trigger.
-I don't do that anymore.
Okay, Brooke, please, can you just...
-No!
-Okay, okay, okay.
Hold her hands,
here's what's gonna happen.
I'll put my hand...
BROOKE: Whoa! (GAGS)
Oh, my God, what are you doing?
-We're fine. Come on.
-LEE: I should wash my fingers.
You're right, you're right.
-(EXHALES DEEPLY)
-Jesus Christ.
-Okay. We just roofied a Broadway star!
-Uh.
-A former Broadway star.
-Keep going.
Someone who's been on Broadway before.
She isn't gonna die, is she?
No, no.
She'll just experience extreme euphoria,
heightened tactile sensory perception
and maybe some mild hallucinations.
Wow! When you say it like that,
you almost sound like a real doctor.
WALDO: (THROUGH HEADSET)
Nick, do you have eyes on Lee?
Graham just turned his ankle
coming off stage.
Okay, we got a turned ankle out there.
Look, I'm on it.
But somebody's gotta watch Brooke.
I'll find someone.
Just try not to drop acid with Graham.
Too soon, Nick. Be professional.
Ron! Oh, Ron, Ron, Ron.
Hey, I need you
to look after Brooke for me.
Mr. Goldmeyer fired me.
Look, if you do this for me, right now,
I promise I'll get you back on the show.
-Really? You would do that for me?
-Oh, yeah yeah yeah, yeah. sure.
Look, now, when she wakes up,
she might be acting a little funny
-'cause of the concussion. That's normal.
-Sure.
Just the important thing to remember is
don't let her out of the room.
Okay? Under no circumstances, Ron,
does Brooke leave this room.
You understand?
You can count on me, Nick.
I will not let you down.
-I really want to believe that, Ron.
-(WHISPERS) I wanna believe it, too.
-Okay. Here's my walkie talkie.
-Okay.
Call me if there's any problem, okay?
(CHUCKLES)
Awesome!
Nick, I remember.
-I'm in a real hurry...
-I remember.
-You remember what?
-Brazillia.
That's the show I saw you in, yes?
-Yeah.
-I know it's Chloe's opening night
but I just want to tell you,
you was really, really great.
You were singing, you were dancing,
you were in your thing, man.
But I didn't notice
on what you were saying so much.
I used didn't speak English good
as I do now.
That's our best review yet.
So why you no performing no more?
Um...
Look, Xavier, shouldn't you be warming up
for the next number?
-(XAVIER STUTTERING)
-Sorry.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Uh, yo, Xavi...
XAVIER: Ow! Ow!
-Oops. Sorry, did I hurt you just now?
-(XAVIER INHALES DEEPLY)
No, it's fine. It's just my hamstring,
it's a little angry.
-For real?
-Yeah.
Oh. Hamstring.
You know I'm a licensed
physical therapist, don't you?
Nice and easy.
(GRUNTS SOFTLY) Okay.
So I was thinking, maybe we could get
a drink after the show tonight.
You mean the cast party?
Yeah, like that. Cast party for two.
Ooh...
Your hand...
Yeah?
It's on my thing.
I know.
It's exactly where it's supposed to be.
It helps the stretch.
I think no more stretch...
Well, I'll call you later
to finalize those plans.
Don't forget to ice.
(MOCK GASPS) Eh, ah, oh!
Crash and burn, no survivors.
Oh, but look, they found
a little black box. What does it say?
That Malcolm survived
because he used his big black cock
as a floatation device.
-Boom.
-Go fuck yourself.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-Is that me?
-Yep.
You're about to lose your virginity.
Oh, well, please,
can we just stop the flashback?
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-You have such hatred for one hit wonders.
But there's something here you must see.
Why won't you go to prom with me?
I'm already going with Kyle Masterson.
Oh, come on, Megan,
he won't treat you right.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING)
I've never been much for fairy tales
'Cause fairy tales don't come true
-(SOFTLY) Chloe.
-Nick, I'm in the middle of a show
I wanted to say I'm sorry
about earlier.
You really tried to psyche me out.
Look, you were right, okay? I was scared.
Maybe because of my previous experience,
maybe because of the stress of the night.
Look, you gotta know I would never
deliberately sabotage you.
Or the show.
All right.
You know, this isn't even what I wanted.
Friends?
Yeah. Friends.
Chloe, let's adjust that top real quick.
Oh, Bazy, you're so romantic.
With all the money and the fame,
I forgot why I originally wrote that song.
It was for love.
(SINGING) I don't wanna drag you down
Or give you the third degree
I just wanna kiss you soft
And sex you gently
I wanna sex you gently
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Hey, Brooke.
How are you?
Hi...
Hi. (CHUCKLES) Um...
-Hello.
-Oh, my. That's...
That's nice.
-That's...
-Feel so good. So, like, light.
Good, good, good. Yeah.
(BREATHES DEEPLY) Hmm.
Oh, my God!
Whoa!
Should I... You want me to wait outside?
No, no, no. I wanna feel your shape.
-Okay. My shape?
-Yeah.
-Okay.
-That's amazing.
-What?
-It's like a perfect orb.
You know, I don't have a swimmer's body...
Swimming, yeah, I want some water.
Can I have some water?
Uh, yes, good idea. Actually, you know,
you could use a little bit of water here.
-Just drink this.
-That's nice, that's nice. Thank you.
Just... No, no, no. You get it...
Like a gently flowing stream.
Like a babbling brook.
Like a babbling brook.
(LAUGHS) That's my name.
-Like Brooke, like my name.
-Yeah.
-Swim with me!
-(GASPS, CHUCKLES)
-Swim with me! Come on, let's...
-Look, I'm feeling a little scared.
-Oh, my gosh.
-What are you doing?
-I gotta float. Will you float with me?
-Sure.
-(GLASS SHATTERING)
-Okay, yeah. I don't know
if I'm following the whole thing.
-You ever done the butterfly?
-Okay.
It's a really hard stroke.
Nick, I think we got a problem.
What is this? It's a little bit much.
Um, just keep that on, keep that on.
No, no, no.
-Let's go.
-Okay, Brooke. I'm sorry.
Shit! (PANTING)
Nick, Nick. Come in, come in.
What's wrong?
Uh, okay, um... Brooke is gone.
-What happened?
-Check this out.
She strips down
to her bra and panties, right?
She's trying to seduce me...
We don't have time for this.
We need to find her.
Alex, what's your... Jesus Christ.
Brooke's missing.
Find Lee, start looking.
You check wardrobe and craft.
He checks bathrooms and dressing rooms.
Ron, you're on everything else.
Let's do it.
Brooke?
LEE: (THROUGH HEADSET)
Nick, I'm gonna check the lobby out here.
-Have you seen Brooke?
-No.
EMOTIONAL ERIC: Is Brooke missing?
Just remain calm for once.
I am an emotional person. That's who I am.
Hey, buddy, little bird said there was
some ecstasy floating around here?
Not now, Micky.
Brooke?
Move. Move, move, move.
(GRUNTS)
-Found her?
-No. No sign of her.
ALEX: No one's seen her.
RON: I got nothing.
Shit. Where haven't we checked?
LEE: Uh, oh, outside.
Right now,
that would be our best case scenario.
The pit.
(SQUEAKING)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Brooke is in the elevator.
I'm gonna miss my cue.
-BROOKE: Whoo! Whoo!
-Brooke!
Brooke, please,
you gotta get out of there.
-Come on. Come on.
-Oh, God. Feels so good.
-You're rolling on ecstasy.
-(BROOKE LAUGHS)
(BREATHILY) I feel like I'm 25 again.
I'm about to go out on a stage
for the very first time.
You remember that feeling?
Off to the sun.
Off to the sun.
Your whole career ahead of you.
Like an arrow shooting straight up.
You remember that feeling?
I do.
But I also remember the feeling that comes
right after that, Brooke.
Giant fucking arrow,
pointing straight down.
Brooke, come on, come on, come on!
What are you doing?
-(MACHINE POWERING UP)
-Hey, what are you doing?
JC: (SINGING)
When you're dancing in the night
Oh, fuck? Oh, no, no, no.
Brooke, hit the button. Hit the button.
Hit the fucking button.
You're stealing my thunder.
CHORUS: Upside, inside out
(MUSIC STOPS)
(AUDIENCE MURMURING)
NICK: Um.
Uh...
Could... Could you just... Thank you.
-FEMALE PERFORMER: (GASPS) Oh.
-Fuck!
(MALE AUDIENCE MEMBER EXCLAIMING)
(CROWD LAUGHING)
(AUDIENCE CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)
Ghosts!
Uh...
What the hell was that?
-(CROWD LAUGHING)
-Oh...
There is always a few glitches
while traveling through flashbacks.
Totally normal.
Back to the music, shall we?
Come on!
CHORUS: Upside, inside out
CREW MEMBER 1: Nick, are you okay?
CREW MEMBER 2:
Nick, what the hell was that?
What the hell happened out there?
She's... Brooke was gonna ruin this show.
What the dick was that?
Oh.
(STUTTERING)
Brooke was... We... We... We gave...
(IMITATES NICK)
What, are you having a stroke?
What, are you trying to reclaim
your 15 minutes of fame?
-You are trying to sabotage the show.
-Sabotage?
No, I was trying to save the show.
You're just lucky Nick Lachey is quick
on his feet with the improv out there.
And you...
You, young lady, are a goddam star.
(LAUGHS) Thank you, sir.
One more fuck up out of you,
and you're gonna be stage managing shows
down in Tijuana
where donkeys fuck humans.
Donkeys penetrating human beings!
You coordinating the whole thing.
Great job, everybody!
Keep up the good work.
That's what I'm talking about.
That's 15 minutes
for intermission, everybody.
What's wrong with you, Nick?
What's wrong with me?
You broke up with me, you know?
And I've been totally cool about it.
Completely cool about it.
Then you psych me out before I go onstage,
now this!
(CHUCKLES) Okay...
I'm so sorry that I'm ruining...
I don't have time for your bullshit.
-I gotta go to JC's room and rehearse.
-Oh!
Yeah, go rehearse with JC.
(LAUGHS) We all know what that means.
Just make sure he doesn't rehearse
all over that new costume of yours.
(SCOFFS)
You're an asshole.
Fuck.
WALDO: (THROUGH SPEAKERS)
All right, everybody,
that's 15 minutes for intermission.
(SNIFFING)
Xavier.
Xavier, hey. Can you come
and help me with this quick change?
Brian no available?
No, Brian no available.
Thank you so much.
I just always have so much trouble
with this quick change.
So, I'm just gonna take that off.
You can help me if you can.
Are you stuck?
No. No. No, I'm not stuck.
Um, you know what?
Can you just undo my bra for me, please?
Thank you.
-Oh, wow, you are so quick on the trigger.
-XAVIER: De nada.
(LAUGHS) Okay, no, no.
Where are you going?
I need to practice my next steps,
because I so new.
No. No, you're not going anywhere
until you tell me what you think.
-Of what?
-Of these big, old titties.
-What are you doing? This is...
-Oh, my God. It's so hot, right?
-It's like raw, sexual tension, just...
-Whoa! I'm feeling something.
Yeah, I feel it too. I feel it too, baby.
No, I think I feel, how you say, a lump.
A lump? A lump of what?
Yeah, maybe a cancer lump or something,
here on your left booby.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I've never felt that before.
Probably, it's nothing.
But it's also, probably, very serious.
You should get this checked out.
(WHIMPERS)
Hey, man.
Is Chloe in there?
Yeah, but she might be a while...
You know they hooked up last night, right?
I think that was just,
kind of, a one-time thing.
(EXHALES DEEPLY) I don't know, man.
JC's always been a pimp.
I heard he got to all the girls
on The Mickey Mouse Club first.
Britney, Christina, Keri Russell,
Ryan Gosling's mom.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Hey, Nicky. What's up, guy?
Hey, uh, I just wanted to
check in on your Act 2 cues.
There's that one
that you kept missing in rehearsal?
Yes, before Come Baby Come. I got it now.
Thanks for the heads-up.
Sure.
Anything else?
I guess not.
All right then. Bye, bye, bye.
(SINGING) Bye, bye
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
Micky.
What are you doing with...
What is that,
duct tape, industrial lubricant?
Is that a 12-pack of scented PlugIns?
Just being inventive, man, you know.
Desperate times.
WALDO: (THROUGH SPEAKERS) 10 minutes left
for intermission, everyone, 10 minutes.
Enjoy.
(GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING)
She's like the wind through my tree
She rides the night next to me
She leads me through moonlight
Only to burn me with the sun
She's taken my heart
She doesn't know what she's done
Just a fool to believe
I am anything she needs
I'm such a cornball.
-(GRUNTS)
-(LAUGHING)
(SNIGGERS)
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) What's so funny?
(LAUGHING)
It's funny. It's...
Oh, God, you're serious. Oh.
You mean this actually works for you?
This works 100% of the time.
(LAUGHS)
I'm really sorry, 'cause it's just
not doing it for me.
Because you have no soul
and you don't like awesome, awesome music?
(LAUGHS) No. No, I really...
I appreciate the gesture, but...
This is just not my thing, you know.
Your thing?
Enlighten me.
Really?
Okay, well, first of all,
any one of, like, the million girls
that you've ever sung that to
only went for it because you're JC Chasez,
that's it.
Second... (LAUGHS)
Will you look at this room?
We're, like, sitting in a shrine to you.
Your whole thing
is just like a smoke screen.
Okay.
Thank you
for the life lessons, chorus girl.
(CHLOE CHUCKLES)
I'm sorry. JC, listen, I get it.
Rejection is hard.
-For everyone.
-(SIGHS)
But if I may, please, tell you that
if you ever want a real relationship,
with anybody, that's worthwhile,
you're gonna have to cut the bullshit.
Yeah, I do want that.
CHLOE: Then you got to
be willing to be vulnerable.
You have to be willing to fall, like,
flat on your face sometimes, you know.
You have to, like, strike out. (LAUGHS)
I got to strike out more?
Please.
You mean, like,
serenading you like a douche bag?
(LAUGHS)
-Yes. Let's call that one strike one.
-Deal.
Or...
-This beautiful thing here.
-Hmm-mmm.
That's definitely strike two.
Perfect. Okay. I'm swinging hard!
-(GRUNTS)
-(LAUGHING)
How about, uh,
I come right down the middle?
-(EXHALES SHARPLY)
-Okay.
I'm the other guy from NSYNC.
Nobody cares anymore.
So, I bullshit because...
That's what bullshitters do. (LAUGHS)
I'm never gonna get what I really want.
I'm never gonna get someone
amazing like you.
(LAUGHS)
-Strike three, I know.
-No.
No. No, that was actually a base hit.
NICK: I think you should go first.
Hang on.
-Hey!
-Hey.
What's, uh, going on in there?
Nothing, just had
a really nice conversation.
Oh, okay. Did he tell you that God must
have spent a little more time on you?
No, he invited me to the Hamptons
with him though.
-What? What did you say?
-Yeah.
I told him that I would think about it.
(CHUCKLES) Seriously?
Yeah. You know, he really opened up to me.
Just really nice when man has the balls
to put himself out there.
-Oh, okay.
-Hmm-mmm.
What's that supposed to mean?
Look, is there something
that you want to say to me, Nick?
I didn't think so.
(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Nope. Nope.
No.
Hey, rim job,
any late-breaking developments?
Uh, let me think. There's a rumor going
around that you got titty cancer?
It's a benign fibrocystic mass.
Anyway, I was just coming in here
to offer my condolences.
Condolences for what?
-Losing the contest.
-(SCOFFS, CHUCKLES)
BRANDY: See, I'm about to take Xavier down
and I am pulling out all the stops.
Well, I would love to see you in action.
Genie gonna grant your wish, motherfucker.
(LAUGHS)
Hey! Xavier!
Hit it, bitches!
-(PEOPLE EXCLAIM)
-(MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, you're gonna wanna sit down for this.
(SINGING) I know what boys like
I know what guys want
I know what boys like
I've got what boys like
I make them want me
I like to tease them
They want to touch me
I never let them
I know what boys like
Boys like, boys like me
But you, you're special
FEMALE CHORUS: (SINGING) She might let you
You're so much different
She might let you
Ooh, did you like that?
(SINGING) Sweat, baby, sweat, baby
Sex is a Texas drought
Me and you do the kind of stuff
that only Prince would sing about
So put your hands down my pants
and I'll bet you'll feel nuts
Yes, I'm Siskel, yes I'm Ebert
And you're getting two thumbs up
Do it now
You and me baby
we ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do like they do
on the Discovery Channel
MALE CHORUS: (SINGING) Get horny now
You and me baby
we ain't nothin' but mammals
-So let's do it like they do...
-I know what boys like
-...on the Discovery Channel
-I know what guys want
MALCOLM: Okay, Ms. Titties. Let's do this.
Buckle up, biatch. Ready, ladies?
-(FEMALE PERFORMERS GRUNTING)
-(WHISTLING)
FEMALE PERFORMER 1: Whoo!
MAN 1: Here we go.
BRANDY: Come on, come on.
(CROWD CHEERING, EXCLAIMING)
-FEMALE PERFORMER 2: Okay, let's go.
-(PEOPLE CHEERING)
BRANDY: Work it, girl.
MAN 2: Here we go, here we go.
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
You like how that tastes?
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
Well, who's it gonna be, guy?
-I don't know what to say.
-Do the right thing and pick me.
Do the wrong thing and pick me.
It's much hotter.
I must admit, at first I was, like,
creeped out by you guys.
-Like, a lot.
-Oh, thank you.
But now, with the singing and the dancing,
I mean, that was really, really nice.
Do I have to choose right now? Here?
-Yes, you have choose right now.
-Take a pick now.
Okay. Well, you both were amazing.
But I think in the end, I must choose...
-Malcolm.
-(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
-What the fuck?
-FEMALE PERFORMER 1: What?
-MALCOLM: Hmm.
-Why? Why him and not me?
You're too mean and pushy.
Don't worry we'll video it
and you can watch.
MAN: Aw...
FEMALE PERFORMER 1:
Brandy? Brandy, come back.
What are you guys doing?
-We're back in 30 seconds. Get in costume.
-Oh!
WALDO: (THROUGH SPEAKERS)
Places! Places, everybody!
Power up the screen machine.
Start bringing down the house lights.
Micky, what are you doing? Get to the pit.
(LIQUID BUBBLING)
Okay.
Let's get turnt up.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
"Here lies Baz Paisley.
"He only had one hit"?
I knew it.
But it is that very fear
that is making this your destiny.
What do you mean?
You're so frightened
you may never have another hit,
it actually stopped you from writing one.
You see, sometimes,
when we want something so bad,
we push it away.
Because we can't stand the thought
of reaching for it
and failing.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
What's happening?
Time together is over, Baz.
You can't leave. I need you.
Remember, one hit wonders
are trapped in the past.
But the future...
The future is yet to be written.
No!
WALDO: (THROUGH SPEAKERS) That's a wrap
on the Ghost of Greatest Hits Past.
10 minutes to curtain call.
BROOKE: My costume fits you nicely.
Oh, Brooke, hi.
How're you feeling?
Like there is a black hole in my brain
and it keeps expanding.
-So, it's true?
-Yeah. Nick club drugged me and now
I'm trapped in a room with a babysitter.
Yeah, just keeping the vibe
kind of mellow. Jazzy.
God, it's like he's trying
to make this night a complete disaster.
Well, I hope you're enjoying
the spotlight.
Come on,
you'll be in this costume tomorrow.
Don't patronize me,
I used to be the ingenue once.
Now look at your future.
I just think you're having a bad night.
Try a bad decade.
I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking, I'm never gonna end up
like Brooke Tremme.
-I wasn't thinking that.
-(LAUGHS)
You will, one day, eventually.
Tide rolls in, you're all washed up.
(SINGING) Once upon a time
I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing you can do
It's a total eclipse of the heart
I hope you enjoy tonight, brown eyes.
'Cause tonight's the best it's gonna get.
Hey! Are you working
for the electrical crew now?
Huh?
Well, every time you go out there,
you light up the stage. (LAUGHS)
(SINGING) Sexy Lady!
Oh, hey. By the way, I hope you enjoy
the view in that dressing room
'cause tomorrow night
that's gonna be yours.
Wait, you're firing Brooke?
Well, I prefer to call it shit-canning,
but yeah.
(IMITATES GUNSHOT)
We're putting that cow out to pasture.
And I did say cow.
We're having steak tonight! (LAUGHS)
(SNIFFLING)
What? Come to wag
your shit-covered dick in my face?
Look, I get it. I lost everything.
MALCOLM: You didn't lose everything.
I lost the competition,
I lost my kind of boyfriend,
and I definitely lost whatever it was
that made men attracted to me
in the first place.
(SIGHS)
-I have to tell you something.
-What?
Xavier is gay.
-You said he was bi.
-Like, really gay.
Like, "Nathan Lane fellating
Neil Patrick Harris
"at the Tony's" gay.
-Is that true?
-Totally. (CHUCKLES)
I feel really bad
about how hard I was on you.
So, I'd like to make it up to you.
I'd like for you to join Xavier and me
in a threesome.
-You don't mean that.
-Oh, I mean it. I do.
Really?
It's the mature thing to do.
And you think that I'm hot enough?
Let's ask a straight guy. Brian!
Yo! What's happening?
Area code this bitch.
(EXHALES DEEPLY) Feeling generous. 6-1-7.
-I'll take it.
-You'll take it?
All right.
So that's it?
-You're actually going away with him?
-I'm not.
-I'm quitting the show.
-What?
-I'm leaving New York for good.
-Wait, you're...
You're quitting everything?
Tonight was supposed to be
the most important night for me and...
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
I just saw where things were headed.
Do you wanna know when I was the happiest?
Back when I was a chorus girl.
And we were together.
And it was just the two of us eating
shitty late night pizza after the show
and just going to karaoke with Malcolm.
That was enough for me.
But I guess that wasn't enough for you.
No, it was.
Why'd you end it?
I just... I thought that
-maybe we were moving a little...
-Moving fast?
Nick, I wanted to move in
after four years together.
And you got stage fright.
But I get it, that's your thing.
Do you know what?
I'm gonna do you a favor and I'll be
the one to put myself out there.
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
I still love you.
You want me to say "I love you"?
I mean, I do.
(SCOFFS)
Could you just...
You know...
(SINGING) When the night is falling
You cannot find the light
If you feel your dreams are dying
Hold tight
Don't let go
You've got the music in you
One dance left
This world is gonna pull through
Don't give up
You've got a reason to live
You can't forget
You only get what we give
Am I supposed to sing back to you
or something? I don't...
Nick, I promise you, I promise
that if you open up you won't get hurt.
Okay?
I just...
(STUTTERS) I don't know what you want.
No, you don't.
(SIGHS)
And I guess you never will.
I gotta go say goodbye to everybody.
Wait, you're not even gonna stay
for your curtain call?
Chloe, this is your shot!
You're just gonna throw it away?
I learned from the best.
ALEX: (THROUGH HEADSET)
Nick, where are you?
Nick, what's your 20?
Not a great time for a coffee break. Nick?
WALDO: (THROUGH RADIO)
Alex, one of the lighting cables
for the closing number is down.
(VOICE BREAKING)
Is it true? Chloe is quitting the show.
Alex, I sweat through again.
My nips are showing.
I can't go on stage like this.
My dad's in the front row.
Guys, stress like this
can cause premature labor.
-Okay.
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Everybody, calm the fuck down!
Eric, life is dramatic,
so do what everybody else does,
and pop a Xanax, huh?
Brian, Debbie needs a costume,
switch stat.
And Monica, I vote Republican,
but I will personally abort
your wimpy baby
if it means you'll stop talking about it
every five seconds.
-(BREATHING DEEPLY)
-(WHIMPERING)
Well? Go!
DEBBIE: All right.
EMOTIONAL ERIC: Okay, okay.
(SIGHS, CHUCKLES)
Yo!
You know they're looking
for you in there, right?
Chloe is quitting the show.
Wait, what?
She's quitting because of me.
-Go get her.
-Tried. It's too late.
So what? That's it?
Did you know that this show is about me?
A loser who had one shot and blew it.
(GROANS) Not Brazillia again, baby.
-You gotta get over that shit.
-How?
Everything that's wrong in my life
can be traced back to that one night.
Do you know how many shows close
opening night?
I know. I've been there.
Yes, it knocks you down,
but you gotta get your ass back up
and get to steppin'.
-No, Malcolm. That was my shot.
-Take another shot.
You're only a one hit wonder
until your next hit, right?
I fucked it up.
That's what I do, I fuck everything up!
Yes! Okay! You fucked up!
Way worse than...
You fucked up so much,
ain't nothing left to fuck up.
I'm so sick of you, man.
I'm sick of you
always feeling sorry for yourself.
I'm sick of you never wanting
to take chances, it's a... (CHUCKLES)
I was gonna say,
"It's a shitty way to live life."
But you don't really live life,
do you?
You're a punk, man.
A fucking punk.
WALDO: (THROUGH RADIO) Nick, Mr. Goldmeyer
is pretty pissed off. Nick?
MR. GOLDMEYER: (THROUGH RADIO)
God damn it, Nick! Where the fuck are you?
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(ECHOING) Oh!
Where the fuck do you think you're going?
(SINGING) I just wanna kiss you soft
And sex you gently
I wanna sex you gently
(MUSIC STOPS)
(AUDIENCE MURMURING)
(SINGING) Hold on little girl
Show me what I've done to you
Stand up little girl
-A broken heart can't be that bad
-(FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBER GIGGLES)
When it's through, it's through
Fate will twist the both of you
So come on baby come on over
Let me be the one... (STUTTERS)
You got it.
(AUDIENCE MURMURING)
(SINGING)
I'm the one who wants to be with you
Deep inside I hope you feel it, too
-Waiting on a line of greens and blues
-Greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you
-(GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING)
-Build up your confidence
So you can be on top for once
Wake up who cares about
Little boys that talk too much
I've seen it all go down
Our game of love was all rained out
So come on, baby, come on over
Let me be the one to hold you
ALL: (SINGING)
I'm the one who wants to be with you
I'm the one
Deep inside I hope you feel it, too
Feel it too
CHORUS: (SINGING)
Waited on a line of greens and blues
(SINGING) Waited on a line
CHORUS: (SINGING)
Just to be the next to be with you
(SINGING)
Why be alone when we can be together baby
You can make my life worthwhile
I can make you start to smile
CHORUS: (SINGING)
I'm the one who wants to be with you
(SINGING) I'm the one
CHORUS: (SINGING)
Deep inside I hope you feel it too
Feel it too
CHORUS: (SINGING)
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Waited on a line
CHORUS: (SINGING)
Just to be the next to be with you
Just to be the next to be with you
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
You! Yeah!
(IMITATES WHISTLING)
I can't do that!
What'd you think?
-A little pitchy.
-Yeah, I'm out of practice.
That's my man.
Whoo! (SCATTING)
MR. GOLDMEYER: Fuck you!
(CHUCKLES)
(CHUCKLES)
Um, it's okay.
Mammy's looking down on me from space.
Do you mean heaven?
I mean space.
(LAUGHS) Oh, shit!
(PANTING) Oh my, God!
That was amazing.
Whoo!
That's the best review I've had in years.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Ready for the encore?
(APPLAUDING) Wow!
You guys are amazing.
I mean, a pleasure to watch.
Grabs my balls and says...
-What does he say?
-(BOTH LAUGHING)
The understudy?
I'm sorry,
I forgot you have a learning disability.
-Let me help you out.
-I can't do it, I'm sorry.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I'm never like this. I swear to God.
How are you feeling?
Like there's a black hole in my brain
that sounds like a phone.
Nobody respects you because you
wear your headset like a fucking tiara.
I don't even have my headset on.
(LAUGHING)
(GRUNTING, LAUGHING)
-That's all of it.
-(PEOPLE LAUGHING)