Operation Mad Ball (1957) Movie Script

We've decided to have a ball
Hired a band and we've hired a hall
The committee's voted
To invite you all
To the mad ball
The mad, mad ball
Please make sure you're accompanied by
A gal who's willing to learn to fly
That's the only thing
You need to qualify
For the mad ball
The mad, mad ball
Free, admission will be free
Cause next Saturday night
A mad time's gonna be had by all
Starts this winter
And will end next fall
The history books
Are gonna call this brawl
A mad, mad, mad, mad, mad, mad ball
A mad time's gonna be had by all
Starts this winter
And will end next fall
The history books
Are gonna call this brawl
The mad ball
Yes, the mad ball
The mad, mad, mad, mad, mad, mad ball
HOGAN: Who goes there? Come on, speak up.
Who goes there?
-Corporal Berryman.
-Berryman, you fool, you.
I just saw her, Hogan.
She's in there dancing her head off.
It's a dance.
That don't mean she's enjoying herself.
Look, you better beat it.
If Captain Lock sees you
sneaking around the Officers Club,
he'll really make it tough.
Tough? How tough can it get?
He shoved me into reassignment pool today.
The rat.
A waltz.
And she's dancing it with somebody else.
Captain Lock. Hogan, can a guy like Lock
really wind up in Congress?
I heard he's being nominated.
Well, it's a funny world, Widow.
Anything can happen. Poor Berryman.
Yes, it's a rotten shame, ain't it?
If a guy and a dame are in love,
what difference does it make if she's
an officer? The war's over, ain't it?
What I don't understand is how a guy
falls for a nurse in the first place.
Widow, there's no such thing
as a beautiful officer.
Put a gold bar on a girl's shoulder,
you take away her franchise.
She stops being a woman. If I--
Oh, look out, there comes Lock.
You know, lieutenant,
a good war record is a valuable asset.
I can remember the day we hit the beach.
What a day that was.
I was the first one out of the LST.
Brought in all my men without a casualty.
You ought to be very proud, captain.
You rumba, lieutenant?
Well, if you don't mind,
it's so stuffy in there.
I like to stay out in the moonlight, too.
-How about a nice, tall, cool drink, hmm?
-That would be nice.
You wait right here. I'll mix it myself.
-When did Locks outfit hit the beach?
-About three months after D-day.
-I don't think I recognize the lady.
-Well, that's the new dietician,
Lieutenant Higsby or Bixby
or something like that. I don't know.
Did you lose something, lieutenant?
Oh. Yes. Uh, my lighter.
I dropped it right around here, I think.
Allow me, lieutenant. Would you mind?
-Hey, yo, Hogan, you're on guard duty!
-Yes, you better get back to your post.
There we are.
I guess that's it, lieutenant.
Yes, it is. Thank you.
Oh, | take it all back, every word.
-What do you take back?
-I could cut out my tongue.
The things I was just saying
about the Army Nurse Corp
to my buddy Widowskas there.
May I have my lighter?
"Widowskas," I said,
"there's no such thing
as a beautiful Army nurse."
Well, it shows you how wrong I can be.
Lieutenant, you're beautiful.
Thank you.
Hadn't you better get back to your--?
I guess we can stop worrying
about morale around here.
Just having you around
to look at, lieutenant,
is gonna give my morale
one whale of a charge.
-That's not why I'm--
-I've been with the outfit a while now--
Guard, I heard what you said.
How dare you speak to an officer
in that disrespectful manner.
-I may have been a little friendly, but--
-Hogan, I might have known it.
This does it, Hogan.
I'm going to throw the book at you.
-Where's your weapon?
-Right there, sir.
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
You mean you quit your weapon
while on guard duty?
He was looking for my lighter, captain.
By doing that, lieutenant,
he was also violating
General Orders 2, 5, 7, and 11.
Consider yourself under arrest, Hogan.
-Yes, sir.
WIDOWSKAS: Yes, sir.
Relieve this man of guard duty
and place him under arrest. What's that?
Surrendering my weapon, sir. Regulations.
Don't surrender to me,
surrender to the guard.
Yes, sir.
Sorry, sir.
I can't accept the weapon, sir.
You can't accept the weapon?
Well, I'm walking guard, sir.
I cannot be encumbered.
Well, I'm not going to lug it
to the guard house.
-Hogan, pick up your gun!
-Yes, sir.
Guard, take your prisoner
to the guard house.
Sorry, sir, but I cannot leave my post
unless properly relieved by the corporal
of the guard or officer of the day.
General Order Number 5.
-If I might make a suggestion, sir.
-Hogan, at ease. You're under arrest.
-Yes, sir.
-Guard, continue walking your post.
-Yes, sir.
-You, Hogan.
-Oh, me. Yes, sir.
-Yeah, you, prisoner.
-Yes, sir.
-March yourself to the guard house.
-Yes, sir.
Present your weapon
to the sergeant of the guard
and confine yourself to quarters
under arrest.
Yes, sir.
Real bad egg that one, lieutenant.
Just about ripe
for a general court-martial.
I wonder what he was going to suggest.
I can assure the colonel
that the paperwork on this case
-will be a credit to the colonel.
-Well, I don't want any credit.
Court-martial can ruin a man for life.
Even if he's acquitted,
there's a stigma attached.
You gotta be fair, Lock.
Yes, sir. You're right, sir.
But we must maintain discipline.
The papers are going
to higher headquarters.
-Would you like to look them over?
-Yes. No.
I mean, well, I can't make
head or foot of them anyhow.
Lock, I don't want headquarters staring
down our throat. It's bad for morale.
If you're worried about the morale
of the men--
Not the men. My morale.
I'm trying to run a hospital.
When I stop worrying
about a compound fracture
and I start acting like a policeman,
Lock, I don't mind telling you,
I get pretty wound up.
I understand, sir,
but the facts of the Hogan case
definitely warrant a general court.
-They do?
-Yes, sir.
You noticed in the specifications
I was the complaining officer.
Yes, I know. I know.
But can't we keep it in the family?
Couldn't we find mitigating circumstances?
That's it, mitigating circumstances.
Well, we can try.
I will arrange for the colonel
to look over the pertinent papers
and interrogate the prisoner
and the witness.
Good. Good, Lock. That's more like it.
You know, talk to the people.
However, Hogan's as good as convicted
right now.
Everything was going so nicely.
Listen to this. "Violating Article
of War 82, misbehavior of sentinel.
Punishment: shall suffer death
or such other punishment
as court-martial may direct.
You don't think they might
really shoot him, do you, Grimes?
I don't see why not.
Hup, two, ein, zwei, hup, two...
Here we go.
-Hey, what's all this?
-What's going on?
Put it down, boys, right there.
-What is it?
-Whoo! Look at the chow.
-Yeah, table cloth.
-And the condemned man ate a hearty meal.
McCloskey, where are the dancing girls?
Well, mother ain't never
cooked food that good.
Dig in, Hogan.
This may be your last decent meal.
You could be right.
-Thank you, McCloskey.
-Any time.
Hey, Berryman.
Berryman, get a load of this.
Hello, Berry boy.
What's the matter, Berry boy?
I'm the guy they're going to shoot.
I just got my orders. I'm assigned
to a hospital ship effective the 23rd.
That's not so bad. You'll come to Le Havre
every three or four weeks.
Oh, yeah?
I'm slated for duty in the South Pacific.
Probably never see each other again.
Boy, they sure aren't taking any chances,
putting the whole world between you.
I'll tell you something, Berry boy.
I didn't have this court-martial,
I'd fix it so you and Lieutenant Schmidt
could get together before you leave.
Oh, man, if you only could.
I'd find you an inn
in a little village somewhere.
A little inn in a little square.
There'd be a little old waiter
who walked with a limp,
a veteran of World War I.
And as you sat there sipping rare old wine
and looking into each other's eyes,
a little white-haired old lady
would come in. She runs the joint.
And she would insist on ordering you
a complete meal from soup to nuts.
And then later, she tells you a story.
Thirty years ago,
she had the very same dinner
in the very same room with her lover.
He was a young American aviator.
And they loved each other very deeply.
And he was killed. He was shot down
by Baron Von Richthofen himself.
And she never married.
And, of course, all through this
there'll be an old phonograph going.
After dinner,
you'd be left discreetly alone.
The next morning,
when you asked her for the bill,
"No, no, no,"
the little old lady would say.
"You have brought back to me
the memories of my own great love.
And to see the look in your eyes
when you look at each other,
that's more than enough payment for me."
And you'd drink a toast
to the little white-haired lady
whose lover was shot down
by Von Richthofen himself.
I never saw the picture,
but I read the book.
Hey, Hogan, do you think
that little white-haired old lady
has room in her heart
for me and Lieutenant White?
She's got room enough for everybody,
Bully boy.
-How about me and Lieutenant Johnson?
HOGAN: You and Lieutenant Johnson.
You know, you guys
would be taking an awful chance.
Do you realize
that when you go out with a nurse,
you put yourselves in danger
of violating 37 articles of war?
-You're kidding.
-No. I made a study of it.
Now, uh, you hold a lieutenant's hand
and you might get away with it.
How exciting that is.
But if you go just a little bit further,
you, uh, get hit with Article of War 99,
undue familiarity
toward a superior officer.
I wonder if Lieutenant Bushey
would be worth it?
But before you become unduly familiar with
Lieutenant Bushey, you stand at attention
and therefore all the formalities then
are strictly according to regulations.
Troubles are just starting, men.
Now, say, uh, you want to,
uh, but she don't.
And she says, "stop," and you won't.
Article 94, mutiny.
Or say that she wants to and you don't.
-What are you, crazy?
Well, maybe she looks like a horse, okay?
So, she wants to, you don't.
-Article 86, avoiding hazardous duty.
-Somehow or other, Sampson, I can't think
that anybody in this outfit's
that much of a coward.
-Then, say finally, uh--
-Hey, just a minute, Sampson.
Let's consider the sunny side
of this picture.
We quote now from the officer's manual.
You see, this will be the nurse's angle.
"Make yourself easily accessible
to the enlisted man."
-Is that in there?
"Seek to make yourself liked
by your subordinates.
Hey, right.
"Back your subordinate to the limits.
Don't keep the men
standing around waiting."
-Colonel's waiting for you, Hogan.
-Yeah, as soon as I finish my breakfast.
Are they going to throw
a general court-martial at Hogan?
Looks that way. The old man
wants him in his office at 1100 hours.
-I better dig out his service record.
Sergeant, Bumble just got an emergency
furlough to go home.
That leaves an opening in Registrar
for a 405. That rates a buck, sergeant.
I'm sorry, Bohun.
What do you got against me, sergeant?
-I never held a man back in my life.
-Then who stopped me from going?
Can't you figure that out?
You put out a good-looking letter.
-You mean to tell me that Captain Lock--
-He'll never let you out of headquarters.
-You're handy to have around.
-Yeah, handy for him. But what about me?
My cousin Yancy Skibo was pumping gas
at the Shell station back home
when I made T5.
Today my cousin Yancy is a master
sergeant right down there in Le Havre,
-I'm still a T5.
-I know, Bohun.
All the time he's been looking me
right in the eye
and promising me the moon.
Now, the soldier's manner, you wouldn't
say it was disrespectful, would you?
I mean, you weren't offended
by what he said, were you?
Oh, no, sir. I couldn't be, sir.
Not as a woman, sir.
Lieutenant, when a man is disrespectful
to the uniform you're wearing,
he is striking
at the very foundation of the Army.
Well, I'm not sure just when
a compliment to a woman
is disrespect to an officer, sir.
Captain, I'm afraid the lieutenant
has been a woman
a little longer
than she's been an officer.
When did you receive
your commission, lieutenant?
Three weeks ago, sir.
Oh, then you're just over from the States.
Wonderful, wonderful.
I sure wish...
Where are you from, lieutenant?
-Springfield, Mass, sir.
-No. I'm from Hot yoke.
-Really? I've got an aunt that lives in--
-That will be all, lieutenant.
What street? Oh, yeah.
And thank you, lieutenant.
Springfield, it's practically
in my backyard.
Good morning, lieutenant.
Good morning.
Morning, Sergeant Pringle.
Hi, Hogan.
I'll tell the colonel you're here.
And good morning to you too,
Corporal Bohun.
Corporal. You know, if it hadn't been
for that man in there,
it would have been sergeant?
Staff Sergeant Bohun.
Maybe even Tech or Master.
You know, watch your step in there, Hogan.
As far as Lock's concerned,
you're as good as court-martialed.
I just found out he is the reason
that I'm still at T5.
Well, you know I should be staff by now.
My cousin Yancy--
I know, your cousin Yancy was pumping gas
down at the service station at the time--
Okay, Hogan.
-Good luck.
Good luck, Hogan.
Yes, sir, my cousin Yancy
is a master sergeant.
Oh, that's Hogan.
I know him. I've seen him around.
At ease, Hogan.
Hogan, before I make a decision
and disposition of this matter,
I'd like to hear your story.
You're accused of quitting your rifle
while on guard duty
and of being disrespectful to an officer.
Now, what have you got to say?
Sir, if Lieutenant Bixby
considers my remarks disrespectful,
Lieutenant Bixby is newly commissioned.
She's naturally confused, sir.
I just said she was beautiful, sir.
You're forgetting I was there
when you said it.
It was the manner in which you said it.
The manner.
To the best of my knowledge, sir,
it was a simple statement of fact.
She just seemed beautiful at the time,
and I said so. And if that was wrong...
Sir, this man is a habitual.
Just look at the record here, sir.
Uh, Silver Star with one cluster,
Bronze Star, Purple Heart--
Not that page, sir. Uh...
If you don't mind, captain,
I'm interrogating the prisoner.
Gosh, you must be
the most decorated man in this outfit.
Just unlucky. Happened to be
in the wrong places at the right time.
At ease, Hogan.
Speak when you're spoken to.
Just look at this list of court-martials.
It's amazing. Here.
Did you really?
Renting out ambulances
to French civilians,
converting the motor pool into a motel?
-"Motel" is a polite name for--
-What actually--
-At ease, soldier. "Motel" is a polite--
-Uh, yeah, captain.
Hogan, you may speak.
And when I say you may speak, you
don't need permission from anybody else.
Yes, sir.
This girl came down
from Paris to visit a friend,
and all the hotel rooms
in Le Havre were full,
so it was either the ambulance
or the street, sir.
Well, now, he certainly has a point there.
She couldn't sleep in the street.
Here, here. January 4th, 1945.
"When assigned as ward boy, ran
nightly crap games in the latrine," sir.
I consider that occupational therapy, sir.
Therapy? Well, that's interesting.
Was it effective?
Oh, it was like magic. See, I wouldn't let
anybody in the game who had a fever.
Temperatures disappeared like that.
Is it therapeutic for a guard to hand
his rifle to a nurse while he's on duty?
That's the real issue here, sir.
Uh, yeah, did you really do that, Hogan?
Did you just hand her your gun?
-I'm afraid that's what I did.
-You admit surrendering your weapon.
-Yes, sir.
-An open-and-shut case, sir, like I said.
I saw the lieutenant
looking for something, sir.
I know I did wrong.
I should have let the lieutenant
get on her hands and knees
and search for it herself.
Oh, now, he certainly
has a point there, hasn't he?
A soldier's responsibility
is to his post beyond any other.
What happens
while you've surrendered your weapon
and given it to the nurse
and the enemy shows up?
The war is over, sir. Most of the enemy
is doing KP duty for us, sir.
-He has a point there now, hasn't he?
-No, sir, he doesn't have a point.
He has admitted a clear-cut violation
of Article of War 82,
an offense punishable by death,
or whatever the court-- What's that?
Yeah, what's this?
That's my AGO 65-10, sir. My Geneva card.
Yeah, your Geneva card.
When the captain assigned me
to hospital guard, sir,
he neglected to relieve me
of my AGO 65-10.
I was carrying it when the captain
placed me under arrest.
-What of it?
-I was also carrying a rifle, sir.
You mean we're guilty of violating
the Geneva Convention?
Yes, sir, the very foundation
of civilized warfare.
You see, according to the
Geneva Convention of July 27th, 1929,
uh, on page 13, if the captain
would care to look, Article 45,
it says that no medical corpsman
shall bear arms unless--
Uh, captain, good grief.
If this gets out--
It's sure to, sir, at the court-martial.
Now, just a second, Hogan. I mean...
Well... Uh, that'll be all, Hogan.
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
Yeah, Bullard, a jeep right away.
-It's for Hogan. He's back in circulation.
-And Berryman.
-And pick up Berryman.
Hogan, you are no longer a member
of the hospital guard.
Well, I thank you, sir.
You are assigned, as of now,
to the mortuary.
Report to Sergeant Wilson for instruction.
Hogan, you will have custody
of the cadavers,
picking up same at the receiving office,
-dispatching same to Graves Registration.
-Thank you, sir.
And if you foul up just once,
I'll hit you with everything in the book.
-Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
-Guess we'll have to give up, huh, Hogan?
-A good soldier never gives up, Berry boy.
We're going to find a place
for you and Lieutenant Schmidt
to get together yet.
Somewhere in France,
there has got to be that little inn
run by the little, white-haired old lady.
A secluded rendezvous for young lovers.
Hey, hold it. Right there.
What are you stopping for? Never seen an
"off limits" sign like that my whole life.
What's the use? We've covered
half of Normandy. It's always the same.
Off limits or jammed with GIs.
This one we look at. I never saw an
"off limits" sign like that, either.
The little square.
-The little tables.
Bonjour. Bonjour.
-Come on, Hogan. We're wasting our time.
-Wait a minute.
-"Maman" must be the boss.
-The little, white-haired old lady.
HOGAN: Yeah.
uniform is a nightmare of a day to me.
Well, evidently, not one of you
three gentlemen can read.
You didn't see all those signs
all over the place? Let me explain then.
It spells "off limits" to all U.S.
military personnel. Understood? Good.
So now, good day, messieurs.
I trust we shall never meet again.
Ah, madame speaks English very well.
English or no English, the answer is no.
No cognac, no food, no room, nothing.
And don't come around
with your cigarettes and coffee,
chewing gums, C-ration, K-ration,
all that stuff.
I want none of it. Good day, messieurs.
-Clear enough to me. Let's go.
-Yeah, wait up, Berry boy.
I think it would be unpatriotic
to leave this lovely lady
with the impression
that American soldiers--
No, no, no. Don't talk sweet.
You're losing your time, my boy.
Last night, 50 of your parachutists,
drunk like pigs,
came over to my hotel
and made an argument.
Before the argument was over,
did you see what was left of my place?
And not only damage to my property,
to my own property, to my home.
Oh, no! Look at that. Look at that old man
over there, my uncle, 72 years old.
Four front teeth gone, just like that.
So I have put my hotel off limits.
I want no more business with the GIs.
Then this place wasn't put off limits
by the MPs?
-My off limits are better than MPs.
-Yeah, and she's twice as tough.
And I have already instructed my daughter,
when the next war comes, even before the
Americans establish the first beachhead,
all the off-limits signs go up.
Pardon me, fellas, one second.
Madame, we are from the Army hospital.
Now, in that hospital, madame, there are
88 nurses and there are 450 soldiers.
-I'm not interested in your statistics.
-Madame, please.
For example, my friend Berryman,
he is in love with a nurse.
But unfortunately in our army,
nurses are considered to be officers.
And a plain soldier and a nurse
cannot love each other,
-except under the counter, so to speak.
-Everyone to his own taste.
By allowing them to meet here,
to have dinner,
just spend the evening together, madame,
you would be striking a blow for love.
then strike a blow
for libert, galit and fraternit
in the medical department
of the United States Army.
You speak very well, my young friend,
but striking such a blow will not repair
all the damage to my hotel.
No, monsieur.
Once more, good day, monsieur. Good day.
Berry boy, do you suppose
that we could have
this whole place fixed up like new
in time for the party?
Could we what?
Madame, if we were to repair
all the damage
done to your hotel
to your complete satisfaction--
-Hogan, are you off your rocker?
-Well, let's face it, boys.
Not to right a wrong
that madame has suffered
at the hands of men wearing this uniform,
I consider that an insult
to the memory of Lafayette.
-But how?
-The boys in Utilities.
They ain't gonna work
their tails off for us.
They will for themselves.
We invite them to the party.
Wait a minute,
more guys means more transportation.
-We'll need two vehicles for this job.
-So what?
-Is it possible what he said?
Could I have all damages repaired
to my hotel,
without any long claim,
red tape, or anything?
I think it can be done, madam,
if you get the right man for the job.
Oh, yes, but no doubt General Eisenhower
has other things on his mind.
But Eisenhower's only a general, ma'am.
-So tell me, who is this man? Tell me.
Who is him?
To me, just look like a private
in the U.S. Army.
Madam, in a case like this, a private
can do more for you than Eisenhower,
especially if his name
happens to be Hogan.
when do you wish to have this party?
Saturday night, the 22nd.
You understand
promises mean nothing to me.
All the work
must be done before, absolutely.
And you understand,
we still must have ration coupon.
But you Americans have plenty
of everything, so bring the food,
-we will prepare it for you.
-That's big of her.
What are you worried about?
We got McCloskey.
More transportation.
Madame, we will send you
our mess sergeant
to take care
of the dinner arrangements.
The price will be 1000 francs for each.
-For each meal?
-The same as a carton of cigarettes.
Ah, and madame will provide the wine,
of course. Not a bad deal.
Monsieur, the wine we have left
is really not fit to drink.
All the best has been requisitioned, first
by the German army, then by your army.
-The Officers Club steward. Good boy.
We have to use the ambulances.
-Madame, it's all settled?
-Merci bien.
-But remember, my young friends,
everything must be done
to my satisfaction, absolutely.
Men, we are going to have us a ball.
We are going to have us
the maddest, mad ball
in the history of the United States Army.
Schmitty, what are you
doing Saturday night?
Oh, me? Saturday night? I don't know.
Uh, what are you going to do, Rosy?
-Saturday night?
What's to do?
You know, I can't get over it.
Just can't get over it.
You know what happened to me?
Sergeant Grimes asked me
for a date Saturday night.
The nerve of the man,
expecting me to take a chance like that.
Well, what did you tell him?
-Told him I'd go, of course. Cannot wait.
-Good girl.
Have you seen Hogan?
Anybody seen Hogan? No, he's not here.
Well, thanks.
Medical Supply. Berryman.
Hogan? No, I haven't seen him.
Hey, if you find him, tell him
that Wilson's looking for him too.
He's supposed to pick up
a PW cadaver at Receiving.
See it? The ulcer's right here
on the anterior wall of the duodenum,
right near the pylorus.
It's not too serious, now?
Doesn't call for an operation?
It's as close to what you wanted
as I could find.
Look, kid, this is no ordinary x-ray.
It belongs to General Stuckey.
Why do you want it, anyway?
X-ray. Sergeant Perkins.
Hogan, Allison.
Listen, slip that in an envelope for me,
will you, Perk? Thank you.
Hello, Allison. This is Hogan. What's up?
-Ozark says he's quitting.
I don't know.
I guess the madame has got him flipping.
Tell him to hold his horses. I'll be there
as soon as I can, okay? Thanks.
Right. Well, hey, hold it, hold it.
Just a second.
I hate to bother you with trifles,
but there's a stiff
quietly waiting your pleasure
in the Receiving office. A PW.
He'll be dead a long time. He can wait.
Thank you.
Listen, don't worry about a thing.
I'll get it back to you this afternoon.
Thanks a million, son.
All right. Okay.
Hold it down, fellas. One second. Hold it.
McCloskey, what about the food?
I've been checking the menus
with Madame LaFour.
Hogan, she's ordered enough food
for 300 guys.
Anybody in the hospital gonna go hungry
if the woman gets what she wants?
-No, but--
-The menu is set.
Now we decide
what wines go with what chow.
Wagner and I'll go through the stock room
at the Officers Club, make the selections.
-Next, uh, Grimes.
I got the guy at the PX warehouse
in Brussels to fix us up
-with bottles of Chanel No. 5.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
What's all the favor business?
All the nurses get favors.
What for? They make twice the dough we do.
That's the way things are done, Widow.
For crying out loud, I mean,
if you give a dame a bottle of perfume,
she's gonna think it's a hint
she don't smell good or something.
Hold it. Bullard, hold it.
what about transportation?
I don't know, every time I get things
worked out, you invite somebody new.
-I only got 14 ambulances to work with.
-Fourteen will be enough.
But I gotta leave one or two
to cover the hospital.
I've been looking all over for you.
If it's about the stiff in Receiving,
I know all about it.
No, no. This is something personal, Hogan.
What's on your mind, son?
Well, ever since the outfit came overseas,
I've had sort of a special interest
in Lieutenant Eaton.
I think she knows I'm interested
and is interested in my interest.
Well, I'd hate like the devil
never to get the chance
just once to talk to her
as if I were a human being.
-I mean... Well, you know what I mean.
Look, I don't know what I can contribute
to the ball.
Well, now, let's see, Collins.
You're in charge of forms 20, aren't you?
-All right. Well, you go through forms 20
and find all the men who've had--
All the men who can play
musical instruments.
-That'll be your contribution.
Hey, Hogan, come on,
tell us, who are you taking?
-Sergeant McCloskey.
-Yes, lieutenant.
Uh... Oh.
At ease, men.
Sergeant, I'd like to talk to you
about salads.
They should be planned
to complement the colors
and textures of the rest of the meal.
Widlanski's in charge of the salads,
But he only went to
cooks and bakers school, not art school.
Well, you'll see that he understands,
won't you, sergeant?
-Yes, lieutenant.
-Thank you.
Bully boy, have a jeep waiting for me
by the main gate in 20 minutes, will you?
Yeah, right.
HOGAN: Oh, lieutenant.
-Yes, Hogan?
Lieutenant, I just wanted to tell you,
I think it's wonderful
for the morale of these men to know
that there's one officer in this outfit
who's concerned
with their health and welfare.
-Well, thank you, Hogan.
-Yes, ma'am.
Is there something I can do for you?
Well, yes, as a matter of fact,
I need help, lieutenant.
Isn't it customary to go to the chaplain
when one needs help?
Well, the chaplain can't help me,
but the lieutenant can.
I can't think of any way
I can help you, soldier.
-Oh, all right. Please come in.
-Thank you, lieutenant.
This means a great deal to me.
But, uh, before I say anything more,
will the lieutenant please consider
what I will tell the lieutenant
as strictly confidential?
All right, you have my word. What is it?
Well, there it is. That's it.
Right there, you see?
Right by the pylorus.
Well, yes, I see it.
It's a duodenal ulcer. What about it?
-Well, it's mine, lieutenant.
-It's yours?
Give me that cigarette.
Don't you know that smoking or coffee,
might lead to a perforation of that ulcer?
Why aren't you in the hospital?
Well, you see, the ulcer
is strictly unofficial, lieutenant.
Well, it's strictly official now.
Put yourself on sick call immediately.
That's an order.
But I can't turn myself in right now,
-That's why I came to see you.
-What have I got to do with it?
Saturday night, lieutenant,
the enlisted men are having a big time.
Now, with this outfit due to break up
very soon, this is the last chance
I'm gonna have to see guys
I've been soldiering with for three years.
And all I need is just a few more days,
I can't take the responsibility, Hogan.
I really can't.
If I turn myself in, lieutenant,
what are they going to do for me?
They're gonna put me on a diet, right?
If you put me on a diet, lieutenant,
I'll follow it to the letter.
-What are your symptoms?
-Yeah, oh, I have symptoms. Yes.
-Yeah, that was what it was, heartburn.
-Well, where was it? Where's the pain?
-Right here. Well, here. Right there.
And the pathway of the pain?
Up and spreading?
Ooh, like a chestnut tree.
-Yeah. It was embarrassing.
If you don't follow the diet I prescribe,
I'll turn you in. Is that clear?
Thank you, lieutenant.
Now, I want you to report to me
every two hours.
Every two hours? That's fine.
Each time you'll drink
a glass of half milk and half cream.
-Every two hours?
-Every two hours.
I think my official duties
would probably--
-Every two hours, Hogan.
-I hate milk.
So do I, as a matter of fact.
I hate it like poison.
But if I had an ulcer,
I'd make myself drink it.
That's what you've got to do.
You've got to think of it as medicine.
-Well, that's the best way.
-All right, now, no coffee, no smoking,
no liquor, no emotional excitement.
The way you've been abusing yourself,
I know you need a lot of milk and cream.
I'll put this in the file,
and we'll check on it every week.
I'll go get some milk and cream,
you wait here.
Thank you, lieutenant.
Hello, Allison. Hogan.
What's happening at madam's?
Look, kid, call her back and tell her that
Hogan said everything will be worked out.
Tell Ozark to simmer down. Better yet,
get her back here and I'll tell her--
What are you doing here?
Did you pick up that cadaver
from Receiving?
-I was on my way, sir.
-Taking a shortcut through Bixby's office?
-Well, it does happen to lie on--
None of your smart aleck stuff
with me, Hogan. On your way.
Yes, sir.
Hey, Hogan, why'd you hang up?
Ozark called again--
-What? Who is this?
-Who is this?
It's Captain Lock.
-Hello. Hello.
-Uh, yes, captain.
No, sir. No, sir, I didn't ring you.
You rang me, sir.
I plugged you in when I got your flash,
-and you said, "Hello, hello."
-I said, "Hello, hello," because...
I-- Uh...
Never mind.
Lieutenant Bixby,
there's something funny going on here.
What do you mean, sir?
I just intercepted a strange phone call
and Hogan was here when I came in.
Has that character
been bothering you again?
Oh, no, sir. No.
He came in to see Sergeant McCloskey.
Something funny going on, very strange.
I can sense it. I can sense it.
Snap inspection will do it. Might turn up
some very interesting things. Yeah.
Oh, I see you like
the old cow juice too, eh, lieutenant?
Oh, yes. Yes, I couldn't do
without my morning glass of milk.
-Probably make me fat.
-You, fat?
Drink up. Drink up.
Bottoms up, lieutenant.
My mother's a great milk drinker.
Been putting away a quart
every day for the last 60 years
and still has the figure of a young girl.
It's about time, Hogan.
Sampson, do me a favor. Run down
to Receiving and pick me up a stiff.
Sure. A stiff. Do you mean a corpse?
Yeah, drop him off in the mortuary,
will you, son? Thanks a million.
Let's go, Bullard.
There's a call coming in for you, sir,
from Wiesbaden, a General Rousch.
General? My brother Joe? Put it through.
General Rousch! You made it, Joe.
Brigadier! Wonderful!
You're coming through Le Havre?
Joe, that's 30 miles from here.
And how we'll celebrate, general.
Bohun. You know, a year from now,
I may very well be in Congress.
Yes, sir.
Cheezy Moffatt, the old senator,
may very well retire
at the close of this term.
You know what that means?
When I get to Washington,
I'm going to want a good loyal secretary.
You might be that man, Bohun.
A confidential secretary is another pair
of eyes and ears for a congressman.
Now, then.
As intelligence officer of this hospital,
it's my duty to know
what's going on all over.
Be able to put my fingers on anything,
you understand that?
I'm making you my assistant.
You're going up, Bohun.
As a soldier and, uh, afterwards.
Yes, sir.
Very neat. Now,
you're in the same tent with Hogan,
aren't you?
-Yes, sir.
Well, something's up. I don't know
what's up, but something's up,
and Hogan's behind it.
Eyes and ears open, understand?
Yes, sir.
I'll tell you something else we might do.
Let's noise it around, see, that you're
not happy working here at headquarters.
-Me, sir?
-Not happy, sir?
-Yeah, that's it.
Yeah. Kind of get the confidence
of the men, you know?
You mean, sir, you want me
to tell the boys bad things about you?
Yeah, that's the idea.
And if it gets around I've been saying
some real nasty things about you--
[LAUGHS] It's in the line of duty.
-Well, I'll do my best, sir.
-I know you will.
Captain Lock.
Oh, that'll be all, Bohun.
Corporal Bohun.
-Can I speak to you alone, captain?
-Of course.
I just got a call from my brother Joe.
My kid brother. He made general.
Oh, congratulations.
That's wonderful, sir.
Thank you. He'll be coming through
Le Havre on his way to the States.
He hits Camp Chesterfield on Friday,
and I was wondering
if we could throw the general
and his crew a little party.
Oh, splendid idea, sir.
Maybe we could get the boys down
at Utilities to, uh, build us a new bar.
Um... Uh...
Something like this.
It looks like a boat.
It is a boat. It's a boat that's a bar.
We used to go to a place,
Joe and me, when we were going to college,
called the Crow's Nest.
Crow's Nest, sir.
And when Joe got crocked...
When Joe got crocked, he used to climb
up into a real crow's nest, mind you,
and he'd stand on his head
and dance a jig on the ceiling.
On the ceiling, sir. Yes.
I was thinking that we could get
the whole Officers Club
fixed up like the Crow's Nest.
Well, I'll get the boys in Utilities
on it right away.
That's fine, that's fine.
Boy, will it surprise Joe.
A real crow's nest, mind you.
-You know, up in the air, make him climb.
-Yes, sir.
Corporal Bohun. Yes, sir.
Take the rest of the afternoon off.
And go to Le Havre
and pick up an anchor, a big one...
I tell you, Hogan, this dame would tear
the stars right out of the sky
if she could just get a grip on them.
This dame is not asking for any stars.
She's merely asking to have a few holes
repaired in her roof.
But, madame, the paratroopers
did not climb up there and fight.
Certainly not.
That was the Boche artillery.
Then let the Boche pay for it.
And who was the Boche shooting at
when they made those holes?
Does that make us responsible?
Who else?
Certainly they were not shooting at me.
They were shooting at us
while we were helping liberate you.
I knew that was coming.
I don't think, monsieur,
France can survive another liberation.
Sometimes I wish
Lafayette had never been born.
From the looks of it,
it was the Boche artillery
from the First World War
that did the damage.
So what? Which difference which war?
The same Boche invading us,
the same American liberating us.
You know, Monsieur Hogan,
I'm really thinking of you.
Do you want the rain to come
all over the place and spoil your ball?
Madame, that is a risk
we are going to take.
LaFOUR: Oh! What a great deception,
Monsieur Hogan.
Here you came to me with your sweet talk
about young lovers cruelly parted
by the Army regulation.
-"Pour l'amour, madame," remember?
HOGAN: Mm-hm.
So naturally, you moved my heart.
And now, just for a few small holes,
now you would allow them to be separated,
perhaps never to meet again.
Disgusting. Very well, then,
let us finish this matter with dignity.
Monsieur, there will be no ball.
Ozark, let's look at it this way.
The work we do for this poor French lady
is worth millions of dollars
in goodwill to Uncle Sam.
And that's just about
what it's going to cost him.
Yeah, you're right,
but we got so much into this thing,
we gotta protect our investment.
The roof will be repaired.
Ah, bon.
you have a dental clinic, yes?
Why do you ask?
Because you're going to make
the replacement to my uncle.
Four in front, lost in the fighting.
-Yeah, Allison, it's me.
-Mayday. Snap inspection in a half hour.
Right. Snap inspection! Let's go!
On the double!
Move it, move it.
Let's go. Out through the front.
Come on. Go back, go back.
-It's a snap inspection. Get in the truck.
-All right. Get in the jeep.
What are you doing with the stiff?
Graves Registration is looking for it.
Well, I'm on my way
to the mortuary now, sergeant.
-Well, where's Hogan?
-I don't know. He just asked me to--
Ugh. A fine custodian of the mortuary
he turned out to be.
Doesn't he know
there's a snap inspection on?
Snap inspection?
Ah, never mind.
No point taking it to the mortuary.
I'll take it to the truck direct.
I had an awful time
getting him on that litter.
He sagged in the middle.
Franz, always make the jokes.
An emergency, Oskar. In PW Ward 38,
a pan bed enamel is urgently required.
Not for the
President of the United States
could you draw pan bed enamel
during inspection, dummkopf.
BERRYMAN: All right, fellas, mach schnell.
Ein inspection any minute. Let's go.
Excuse me, Corporal Berryman,
an emergency.
A pan bed enamel is urgently required.
-I can't issue one during inspection.
-Let him have it.
Your funeral.
Here, hide it.
I wouldn't want Lock to catch you with it.
Thank you, sir.
All right, where's Sampson?
Anybody seen Sampson?
-Haven't seen him since morning.
-What's wrong?
I want my stiff.
And it's not in the mortuary.
Lock's going through the wards
and I gotta get a body
into that mortuary before Lock--
-You. Yeah.
Oh, no, you don't. Not me, boy.
Ah. Just remembered,
Sampson's afternoon off.
He's probably out in the woods.
-Yeah, he's one of those nimrods.
You don't suppose he'd be taking the stiff
for company?
OSKAR: Yes, Private Hogan.
What is this? Hogan, now just a minute.
I've gotta get a body in that mortuary
before Lock shows up,
or I get a month's restriction,
and what happens to the ball then?
-Yes, Private Hogan.
I'm just going to borrow you
for a few minutes.
Oh, no, sir.
It would be in my opinion, sir,
a violation of the Geneva Convention, sir.
Clear off that table.
There's nothing in the Geneva Convention
that's going to cover
a situation like this.
I am only expressing
my interpretation, sir.
We'll have to interpret it my way,
okay, Oskar?
Under the circumstances, sir,
I accept your interpretation.
Berryman, take down the diagnosis
as I give it to you.
Over here, boy. Up with the pants legs
and then on to the table,
and off with the shoe.
-Tibia, fracture, compound.
-Skull, fracture, compound.
-Captain Lock's in OR. Mortuary next stop.
Stall him.
Now, don't worry, Oskar. If anything
goes wrong, you won't be held responsible.
I am a German soldier
and I never disobeyed orders in my life.
Good for you, Oskar.
But in case I'm buried alive, sir,
I wish to point out...
-Is Captain Lock there?
-Captain, it's for you.
-Lock here.
-Hold on, please, sir. Brussels?
Office of the Base Surgeon?
I have Captain Lock waiting right here.
I'll find out.
Sir, they would like to know
if your first name is Yale?
-It's Paul. Are you drunk, Allison?
-Uh, no, sir.
We better give him some breathing space
or we'll have the real thing on our hands.
-Grimes, get a litter.
-When you get in the mortuary...
-Yeah, Private Hogan.
breathe as little as possible.
Hogan, what's his name?
Hans Miller, with an umlaut.
Age 35. Got it?
-Got it.
-Let's bed him down.
Wait a minute, 55A.
Oskar, someday,
I'm going to make this up to you.
All right, hold on, Hans Muller,
'cause here we go.
-Thanks, fellas!
-Hey, Hogan!
-I've been looking all over for you.
I need the X-ray.
I gotta have the X-ray back.
-Later, Perk! Later!
-But General Stuckey...
-Move out, boy.
BIXBY: Hogan!
-Just a minute, Hogan.
-Lieutenant, I'm in an awful rush.
Well, slowly. Violent exercise
will only aggravate your condition.
Well, I've gotta get down
for inspection in the mortuary, ma'am.
I can understand your leaving my office
with Captain Lock showing up like that,
-but you haven't had your milk.
-The milk.
I'll drop around just as soon as
inspection is over. Can I go now?
-Very well.
-Thank you, ma'am.
That's much better.
Let's get this place cleaned up.
Lock come in here and see this mess,
he'd tear our heads off.
What's that?
Oh, it's probably Coke.
Oskar had a bottle in his pocket...
Holy smokes. I better warn Hogan.
Hello, Allison, Allison,
give me the mortuary, quick.
Hang on, Oskar!
Mortuary. Private Hogan.
Oh, no. Oskar, the coke bottle.
LOCK: At ease, Hogan.
What are you doing, talking to yourself?
Better watch out,
you'll qualify for a Section 8.
Or were you talking to the cadaver?
-This is the, uh, PW from Balbec, huh?
-Yes, sir.
-Did they ask for an autopsy?
-Ho-ho-ho, no, sir.
The Geneva Convention men
might ask questions.
Well, I don't think
we need to have an autopsy, sir.
You running the hospital now?
Well, no, sir, I just mean that
since he was dead upon arrival,
-he's not our responsibility, sir.
-I'm making him our responsibility.
Funny how you get those
delayed reflexes, huh?
Give me the lab.
Things weren't too busy at the lab.
Maybe Thomas can do it now.
What now, sir? Before dinner?
Sure, why not? Captain Thomas.
Maybe he can run a test on the viscera
this afternoon, huh?
Hey, Tommy. It's Lock.
Listen, could you come down and do
a little, uh, excavation job for me?
You can right now? Fine, fine.
I'll wait for you here at the mortuary.
Yeah. Uh-huh.
You know, Hogan, I should have been
a doctor. I love to watch Thomas work.
The way he opens that abdominal flap,
mwah, just like a bureau drawer.
What's the matter, Hogan?
Don't tell me it's gonna bother you
to watch an autopsy?
Well, this one will, sir.
I haven't had lunch today.
-What's that? The drip.
-Huh? What?
-Hogan. Hogan.
-Yes, sir.
-How long has this body been here?
-A couple of hours, sir, I guess.
-The blood hasn't coagulated.
Somebody fouled up. This man was alive
when he arrived at the hospital.
Oh, no, sir. No, no, sir.
Listen, Hogan. Find out who
certified him dead on arrival.
He could have been a slow coagulator, sir.
Hogan, I hear a beat.
I hear a beat, Hogan.
And what a beat. Hogan.
-This man's alive.
Yes, he's alive. Hogan, he's...
-Come here.
Hogan, this can be a black eye
for the whole United States Army.
It's our patriotic duty
to keep this quiet.
We've got to get that PW
back in the PW ward
without the PWs knowing
where he came from.
Hogan, this man
has never been in the mortuary.
-That means falsifying my records.
-Oh, no, no, not falsifying the records.
No, no, you simply... You... You would...
Hogan, think of your country.
The Germans will accuse us
of burying prisoners alive.
Oh, I understand, sir. Yes, sir.
-haven't been here today, understand?
-Yes, sir.
Now, Hogan, get down to the PW ward,
see if there's an empty bed.
I'll take care of the paper work.
-You understand?
-Yes, sir.
Hogan, I know
you won't let your country down.
Thank you for your confidence.
Good grief, I forgot about the autopsy.
I'll call Dr. Thomas.
-Get going, Hogan.
-Yes, sir.
Hello, give me the la... Give me the lab.
Hello, has Captain Thomas left yet?
Well, go after him. Stop him.
Yes, no autopsy. No. Get going, catch him.
Hogan, you been looking for me?
So you know
what he wants for decorations?
-Fish nets.
He wants fish nets strung all over
the place and this silly looking...
-Hogan. Hogan.
That loony wants me to build him a ship
in the middle of the club.
-Yeah, I know.
-I just can't do it.
Hey, Hogan, now listen, all we got
for a band is a piano, a banjo, a flute,
a violin, a bugle, an ocarina,
six harmonicas and one bird whistler.
Now, what--?
Hogan, if I could build ships,
I never would have been drafted.
I'd be making good money
working in New Orleans.
Graves Registration promised us enough
flowers for the corsages and tables.
HOGAN: Yeah?
How's it gonna look
with wreaths on a table?
What's the difference
where you get flowers?
I can do the work at the madam's
or I can build the ship.
I just can't do both, Hogan.
-Do you hear me?
-Yeah, I hear you, Sergeant Bren.
Bohun, send the word out,
we need volunteers, you hear?
Anybody who can swing a hammer.
Ozark, you're working nights.
It ain't worth it, Hogan.
It just ain't worth the aggravation.
-Ozark, close your eyes.
-Oh, Hogan.
-Just think about Lieutenant Rosedale.
And she's in your arms.
And the music is playing.
And you're working nights.
It would have been money in my pocket
if I'd never been born.
-How I hate that night work.
-Who's playing?
Hey, have fun there, boy.
It's my personal opinion somebody
has put a voodoo on the mad ball,
and there's no use fighting it.
He's like a bloodhound, that Captain Lock.
-Once he gets on a scent, he won't let go.
-Speak up. What happened?
That old hound dog of a man
says he's gonna inspect every day.
Mark my words,
any department that don't come up
with a superior gets restricted.
-All right. McCloskey.
The first thing he looks at
is the garbage pails.
No more full pails, right?
What are we supposed to do
with the garbage?
-The men are gonna eat it.
Before it becomes garbage.
And you see to it by staying
on the tails of your cooks, boy.
Every time Lock lifts a lid,
he's gonna see nothing but rinds,
grounds, peels and egg shells. Right?
Bully boy, every time Lock comes through,
make sure that a couple
of your vehicles are redlined.
-Yes, sir.
-And no more sending a half-ton truck
-to the PX for a pack of cigarettes.
-Heh-heh-heh, come on.
How come you never put in
for officer's school?
Who, me?
I was too busy trying not to make PFC.
Well, I'm late.
I've got a date with a glass of milk.
Listen, boys, when I get back, let's have
a meeting of all the department heads.
We put in too much work together
to lose this thing to Lock now.
-Hogan, who's your date?
Hello? Hello, this is Lieutenant Bixby.
I'd like to
get in touch with Private Hogan, please.
Never mind. Thank you.
Come in.
-Good evening.
-Oh, good evening, captain.
-Paul, remember?
-Yes. Paul.
Well, Wisconsin would be
proud of you, lieutenant.
-You certainly like your cow juice.
You can't get anywhere in politics
in Wisconsin unless you like your milk.
-We're a great dairy state.
-Yes, I know.
Drink up. Drink up.
You know, where I come from, lieutenant,
a little lady who likes her milk might
even get to be a great political asset.
Must have gone down the wrong throat.
Mustn't choke on our milk.
What will the voters say?
Ha-ha-ha. I'm fine now. Thank you.
Lieutenant, I was wondering,
what are you doing Saturday night?
-Saturday night?
-The colonel is throwing a big party.
It's gonna be quite a brawil.
We've completely redecorated the club.
And we have a magnificent buffet.
I'd love to go, captain,
but you see, I'm going to Paris.
I have a pass
and I've never been to Paris.
You could go next weekend.
I'll get you another pass.
Thank you, that's kind,
but I really don't think...
-We'll go together.
-...that's fair to the nurses.
The party first
and then a real fling in gay old Paris.
Let someone
who really knows Paris be your guide.
Come in. Come in.
-Hogan, what are you doing here?
-I was looking for you.
You know where my office is.
See me in the morning.
It's a matter of some urgency, sir.
It concerns the good of the service, sir.
The slow coagulator, sir.
Yes, of course.
No, that's all right, lieutenant.
Uh, Hogan and I will go outside.
All right. Bye. Walk out.
-Did you get him to the PW ward?
-No, sir. He got picked up.
-Picked up?
-Yes, sir.
What happened? Nothing went wrong,
did it? Who picked him up?
-A truck from Graves Registration, sir.
-Graves Registration?
Yes, sir.
-Hogan, they might bury him.
-Yes, sir.
-Did you try to contact them?
-I was waiting to hear from you, sir.
Oh, no.
-Wait right here.
-Yes, sir.
-Excuse me, lieutenant.
-Is something wrong?
-No. May I use your phone?
-Of course.
Thank you.
Graves Registration,
on the double, quick. Routine.
Graves Registration, you picked up a body
from the 1066 General Hospital today?
Yes, yes. That's the one.
It's Captain Lock, Adjutant, speaking.
What did you do with it?
-Good night, lieutenant.
-Good night, sir.
Well, he was in pretty bad shape.
I don't think he suffered.
Hogan, how can you be so cold-blooded?
-Why, he might be alive.
-Oh, I don't think so, sir.
-How much oxygen can a coffin hold?
-I really don't know, sir.
Hogan, we've got to dig him up.
Sir, if I may say so, now is the time
to think of the good of the service.
By the time they dug him up,
it would probably be too late.
That's right.
They'd have to put him back in again.
...I feel no culpability.
Culpability? You, sir? Wha...?
Sir, as long as we stick together,
we don't have to worry.
And the good name of the service
is gonna be preserved.
-Private Hogan reporting.
-What's the matter with Captain Lock?
He was terribly disturbed when he left.
I guess being adjutant,
he has quite a lot on his mind.
I'm sorry I'm late.
You should be, Private Hogan.
You really should.
Look, we made a bargain.
I agreed to keep your condition unofficial
only as long as you kept
your part of the bargain.
I tried to get here earlier,
but I had a very busy day.
I'm not interested in excuses,
Private Hogan.
If your condition is neglected,
it could become very serious
and I'd be responsible.
I realize that, ma'am,
but the men are counting on me.
And if I've been neglectful,
-it's because the ball is so important.
-The ball?
I told you, ball, Saturday night,
the men--
Oh, yes.
This has developed
into quite a big thing, ma'am,
and I was hoping you'd come along.
-You what?
-In the line of duty.
Hmph, I hate to admit this, I...
Well, I'm weak, ma'am.
I'm weak when it comes to alcohol.
Hogan, don't you know
that's poison for an ulcer?
Yes. That's why I thought
if you were with me,
that you could protect me.
You see, protect me from myself.
What you ask is impossible.
You know the regulations.
Please remember
that I'm an officer and I...
You're also a girl.
And a gold bar can't change that.
Now, come on, lieutenant,
be just a girl for one night
and come to the ball with me.
Don't you understand?
You won't be alone.
A lot of the other nurses are coming.
If they want to get into trouble,
that's their business. I can't help that.
This is not helping your ulcer.
It's making it worse.
I'm getting all knotted up inside.
If you'd just
come to the ball with me, lieutenant,
you'd relieve me of all of these
terrible anxieties that I feel.
Don't you see what I mean?
We'll treat your ulcer
in the orthodox way.
Now you stay here. I'll get some milk.
Have you had any new symptoms
since I saw you this morning?
A few, around the heart.
-I've been looking all over.
-Have you got it? Did you find it?
-Graves Registration had it all the time.
-What was it doing there?
-They sent a truck by and picked it up.
-They did? What for?
-To bury it.
-Bury it? General Stuckey's x-ray?
-No, my stiff.
-But where's the x-ray?
-Shh. I'm working on it.
-Now, just trust me.
-I can't wait, Hogan.
I might have to kill myself, kid.
I'm afraid to go back to my tent.
I can't show my face
until I get hold of it.
Where is it? Tell me and I'll get it.
I was looking for it inside
when you started the racket at the window.
What was General Stuckey's x-ray doing
in Bixby's office, for crying out loud?
General Stuckey
is chewing out Major Wood.
Major Wood chewed out my captain,
and me, I'm hiding out.
All the time that you're talking to me,
I could be in there looking for it.
-Then get back in there, kid.
-Oh, boy.
I'll be waiting. If you don't show up,
they'll find me hanging from the big tree
behind the patients' mess.
Ahem. What's that, lieutenant?
Well, the way you've been
neglecting yourself,
I think we'd better get something
more substantial than milk into you.
-Into me? I've had dinner. Thank you.
-Probably all the wrong foods.
With an ulcer like yours,
we have to keep the stomach
full of bland foods at all times.
I think the stomach's full.
-The milk...
-Eat. All of it.
Or go on sick call. That's an order.
Yes, ma'am.
We've got to bury that ulcer of yours
in lots of soft, creamy foods.
We've got to surround it and cushion it.
Eat, Hogan.
-That's the way, eat. It's good for you.
Now try some Jell-O.
Jell-O is so wonderful for ulcers.
It does wonderful things for them.
How about the oatmeal?
It's so bland and soft and gray-colored.
It's just very good for you.
-Now, drink your cream.
It might gag you a little at first,
but you'll get used to it.
Stop stalling, Hogan, drink.
Thattaboy. That's wonderful.
-Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?
-I just don't understand. I don't think--
You haven't even started. There's
another tray being prepared for you.
-Had it. Had it. I've just had it.
-Oh. Any more symptoms since this morning?
Where's the pain?
Spreading like a chestnut tree?
-Where is the center of the pain?
-Right here?
And you haven't even touched your custard,
but you must force yourself.
That's right,
remember you're eating for two now.
There's General Stuckey to consider.
You've made a complete fool of me, Hogan.
I trusted you. I felt sorry for you.
And I drank all that milk,
and you know how I hate it.
All because I thought you were sick.
I am. Boy, I am.
-I think this is what you came for.
-Yes, ma'am.
-Now, lieutenant...
-If you'll let me... Lieutenant.
-Soldier, you're dismissed.
Yes, ma'am.
Start covering those chickens. Come on,
get that beef out. Faster, faster.
Grab all those things.
All right, boys, let's go.
All right, Hogan.
All right, boys, out with the champagne.
I can't understand it. Half the vehicles
in the motor pool are redlined.
-Garbage cans were practically empty.
-That's good, good.
Too good.
The men are covering something.
I can feel it, I can smell it,
I can taste it.
Never look a gift horse in the mouth,
that's what I always say.
Lock, I've been going over
the forms 20 and we can have a band.
We're a little heavy on harmonicas
and ukuleles, but we can have a band.
Joe does a mean tango.
Maybe we could get the boys in the band
to learn "In the Mood."
-That's Joe's favorite.
About Saturday night,
I've been a little worried.
Worried about Saturday night?
I find that most of the attractive nurses
have asked for weekend passes.
The attractive ones?
Don't they know about the party for Joe?
We might restrict them to the area
for Saturday night.
Restrict them? Well, I don't think
we have to go that far.
After the party they'll be very grateful.
-They'll have a wonderful time.
-They'll meet Joe.
-Yes, of course.
-Take care of the whole thing.
-Yes, I will, sir.
-Oh, no.
I only got invited this morning.
They drew lots for me
in the operating room.
It's all over. Just like that.
What did you expect, fireworks?
That's the difference
between life and death.
I'm going out and drink
until the world looks little.
I'm going to live on a mountain
the rest of my life
and roll rocks down on all mankind.
-Where's Sampson?
Why did you put Lieutenant Schmidt
on night duty Saturday night?
Hold your horses.
She's going with me to the ball.
-Haven't you heard?
The ball is dead.
-Don't joke like that, sergeant.
-I ain't joking.
You mean to sit there and tell me...
-You mean that Schmidt and me...
What happened?
Why is it dead? Who killed it?
The colonel's throwing his own ball
on the 22nd.
He's restricting all the nurses
to the area Saturday.
-He can't do that.
GRIMES: He did it.
-We thought of our ball first.
McCLOSKEY: The kid's got a point.
Schmidt isn't going on night duty,
you hear that?
What difference does it make now?
I don't want her on night Saturday night.
That's all there is to it.
You take her off.
-A duty roster is a duty roster.
-Do what he says.
-We're not gonna give up the ball.
What? Hogan, what's the use of
going through all that for nothing?
We got to keep going.
Something just might turn up.
-Well, I don't believe in miracles.
-I do. I got to believe in miracles.
You take her off.
-Widowskas here?
Get over to the Officers Club
on the double.
What for?
-You play the ocarina, don't you?
-Yeah, so what?
The colonel's rehearsing a band.
Don't forget your sweet potato, kid.
There you go.
-Hey, you're gonna break it.
-Here you are, traitor.
-Wouldn't that be tough?
-Have fun. Good luck.
-Yes, sir.
About that cousin of yours.
-You mean Yancy?
Didn't you say he was a big shot
in transportation at Le Havre?
Practically runs the joint.
-What are we...?
-That's the one. Get your clothes on.
You say this cousin of yours
memorizes the almanac?
-Word for word?
-That's right.
-But what for?
It's his hobby.
That old boy knows just about
every important fact in the world.
Heh. Ah.
Fiddledeedee, la-da-dee-doo.
Don't you see, cousin?
As long as the colonel's brother's getting
shipped back to the States anyhow--
What's the difference if he gets
shipped back a couple of days early?
Either he has his party, or we have ours.
Now that's up to you, cousin.
Ooh, la-da-dee-doo, cousin,
I'd do most anything for you.
If it was one guy who
wanted to get on a ship ahead of schedule,
maybe with a French pop at his heels,
but, la-da-dee-doo, a whole regiment.
It's got to be the whole regiment,
including the commanding officer.
Especially the commanding officer.
The population of Pawtucket, Rhode Island,
is 75,797.
What? A strike in Antwerp?
Listen, man, I need those bottoms.
I got 500,000 troops coming in here
within the next three weeks.
Fiddledeedee, where am I gonna be?
Yeah. Okay. Okay.
What outfit did you say they had you with,
the 1066 General Hospital?
That means nurses, don't it?
You lucky boy, you.
Fiddledeedoo, I wish I was you.
June 1st, '39, low tide, 6:30, high by...
A whole regiment. A regiment.
Fiddledeedoo, me no can do.
-You run this place, don't you?
-Fiddledeedoo, I do,
but for every man in the regiment
I move out, I have to juggle ten more.
And the last man down better find a ship,
or twiddly dee, he winds up in the sea.
Too bad, it was gonna be a real mad ball.
You would've liked it.
You mean that I was gonna be
invited to the ball too?
For moving a whole regiment? Ooh.
Twiddly doo, honest and true?
With a little old nursie?
Well, naturally.
Lieutenant Tweedy for him.
She's a lot of woman, Yancy.
Tweedy, Tweedy, of thee I am needy.
What music you gonna have, canned?
-Ca--? No, siree.
We're getting a band together.
Not the greatest, but a real band.
Look, I need a live combo, man.
I want to see the cats blowing.
I wanna see their eyes
bugging out of their heads
because that is when the beat
meets my feet.
And that's just what we got for you, boy.
Here we go!
-That's the band we got for you.
All right, come on, now.
Knock it off. Come on down.
Hey, come on, now listen to me.
Your major won't get back in time
to foul us up, will he?
Not him. He only has one interest
in France and this isn't it.
When it comes to running this harbor,
he don't wipe his nose
without consulting me.
-Well, skittle dee scat, imagine that.
-Skittle dee scat...
Cousin, you know,
I like this little Hogan boy, honest.
He's got wild ideas,
a whole regiment, but I like him.
The rainfall in Peru in 1938
was 92 inches.
A big rainfall for Peru that year.
A whole regiment.
Take a lot of juggling-wuggling
and a lot of luck too.
Skiddly doo, me no can do.
Skibo, pick up that pencil.
Write what I tell you
on that piece of paper.
-Lieutenant Tweedy.
-"Lieutenant Tweedy."
Thirty-five. That's all.
Thirty-seven, 24, 35.
Man, oh, man alive.
Fellas, what was the number
of this outfit?
-And where are these boys?
-They arrive today, Camp Chesterfield.
-What happened?
-You mean to tell me they aren't here now?
Twiddly dee, no nursie for me.
-Now, what's wrong?
-What's wrong? Everything's wrong.
Given they arrive today,
it's gonna take days and days
for them to get processed, pal.
Sure, and if I don't see them
for days and days,
I won't be able to move them out.
I can't touch them
till they get processed.
-We get them processed fast.
-They can't get processed that fast.
Chesterfield is packed and jammed.
They're short on clerical personnel,
medical personnel...
-You say they arrive today, huh?
Now, if'n the typewriters
was to start singing today,
and if'n the medicals
were medicking today,
and my ships arrived on time,
and I was to get a hold of the boys,
say, tomorrow...
Of course, that's a lot of if'n,
but if'n I did, then, whammy!
The trap would be sprung.
And once they got whammied?
They could wiggle and they could shout,
but they would not know
what it was all about,
because, twiddly dee,
they would be off to sea.
I told you, Hogan,
this here ball is voodooed.
Thirty-seven, 24, 35.
Man, with that I would love to jive.
Thank you anyway, cousin.
If'n the typewriters was to start singing,
if'n the medics started medicking...
You got an idea, Hogan?
Could be, Bohun, could be.
-You just might get that dance.
So I was just thinking, sir,
if we were to send over some of our
medical officers and clerical personnel...
-Is that what they're short of?
-Yes, sir.
It might take three, four days
to process them otherwise.
That's what my cousin, Yancy, said.
Hmm, all right, Bohun,
I'll give it some thought.
Yes, sir.
Come in.
-At last, good news.
Joe called a few minutes ago.
They just pulled into Camp Chesterfield.
That's what I want to talk to you about.
I had a hunch, so I did a little checking.
And things are pretty snafued
at Chesterfield.
It might take three or four days
to process the general and his troops.
-Three or four days. Big outfit, eh?
-Yes, sir.
Until the men are processed,
they'll be confined to the camp.
-Oh, no. No. Even the general?
-Yes, sir.
And Joe won't be able to go
to his own party?
That's right, sir.
Huh. Well, that's... That's terrible.
Wait, wait. Just a moment. Just a moment.
-I'm doing some tactical thinking.
Defeat can be turned into victory.
-It can?
Well, speak up, man. How?
As I recall, Chesterfield is short of
medical officers and clerical personnel.
-Follow me? Right.
-Yes. Yes.
They'd be very grateful if we were
to send them some of our personnel.
Lock, you're a genius.
It's just what the taxpayers
are paying me for, sir.
Um, uh, Camp Chesterfield.
-I know that.
-Commanding officer at Camp Chesterfield.
Wait a minute. Hold everything.
He's nipping at the cheese. Wait a minute.
Camp Chesterfield, headquarters, please.
-Commanding officer, please.
-Get your trap ready, boy.
Colonel Rousch calling.
Go ahead, sir.
Yancy, he swallowed the bait.
Only too happy, colonel.
Goodbye, colonel.
The decks are cleared. Full steam ahead.
Sir, I'd like to personally command
the temporary duty detachment
to Camp Chesterfield.
-Splendid idea. You're on your own, Lock.
-Depend on me, sir.
Don't worry, I'll have the general
dancing on the ceiling Saturday night.
All right, soldier, let's roll.
Sorry, madame.
Monsieur Hogan is very busy now.
It's very important.
It's about the teeth of my uncle.
I thought your uncle got his new teeth.
Well, he is not happy with them at all.
He looks like a beaver.
Well, madame,
I'll have him call as soon as he can.
He looks like a beaver.
No, no, I'm sorry, Berryman.
We didn't get any word yet.
Okay, thanks.
Any word yet, Schmitty?
I know what time high tide is today.
Yes, sir.
Look, skipper, don't you fret.
I'm gonna send you
that missing regiment yet. Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
I know-- Baby, I know that. I...
I know you made the dress yourself.
Do what we're doing. Pray.
Try Yancy again, huh?
Look, Hogan,
you'd better make it lickety-spilit.
I'm holding up half a ship
and I can't hold it much longer.
Yeah... Wait. Hold on.
Skibo. Yeah.
Hogan, listen...
What was that?
Be sure that your umbrella
Is upside down
Sergeant, are you sure this crow's nest
will hold a man 200 pounds?
-Yes, sir. It surely will, sir.
-Oh, good.
The general's a very big man.
Yes, sir. The colonel's right here.
-I'm proud of you, men.
-For you, sir.
Oh. Right there, son.
Thank you, soldier.
Colonel Rousch speaking.
Why, Joe, you old son of a...
Oh, no. No.
Okay, Joe.
Bon voyage.
Great work, boys.
Good afternoon, captain.
Congratulations, Bohun.
Everything went like clockwork.
-Is the colonel in?
-Yes, sir. He's waiting for you.
Good, good. I want to see you later.
I think I'm onto something big.
Captain Lock reporting, sir.
Mission accomplished.
Boy, was that place snafued, sir.
Our men were magnificent.
They worked all night long without a beep.
If we hadn't pushed that thing through,
your brother would still be
in the process of...
Would still... Your... Your brother...
Is there something wrong, sir?
They're shipping out tonight.
-Oh, no.
-Oh, yes.
-You did your work well, Lock.
-But, sir,... I...
I know, you were just being
your usual efficient self.
But you couldn't have fouled up more
if you tried.
Sir, if there's anything I can do, I...
Lift the restriction on all the nurses.
The party's off.
The crow's nest,
Joe's never gonna get to see it.
-Oh, Bixby, the restriction's been lifted.
Gosh. I got to get my hair fixed.
Oh, yes.
I've been looking all over for you.
Things turned out nicely.
Now you can have your party.
Yeah, yeah, I suppose so.
-You don't seem very happy about it.
-Well, I'm happy for the fellas.
They've been really looking forward to it.
Then what's wrong?
Well, it's great for everybody but me,
unless you're there.
Private Hogan, in the future
if you have anything to say to me,
first present your case
to your sergeant--
-Come on, get off it, lieutenant.
-How dare you!
I didn't do anything so terrible
and you know it.
All I wanted to do was see you alone.
I couldn't do it unofficially,
so I used an x-ray.
And if you stop hiding
behind your brass...
-All right, that's enough.
-...and be half a woman-- It's not enough.
You want to turn me in, go ahead.
I've been turned in by the best of them,
believe me, but I'll get it said first.
I thought you were someone very special.
I thought you were the girl
I'd always dreamed of.
And if that didn't get through to you,
then, I tried.
But if it did and you're trying to duck it
by hiding behind your commission,
then I really feel sorry for you.
-Is that all, Hogan?
-No, not quite.
Tonight, we've got a chance
to be just you and me.
If you change your mind about the ball,
you be at Supply at 1900.
If you don't change your mind,
I hope you have a brilliant
military career.
You'll probably wind up general
and an old maid.
I feel just terrible about this, sir.
It just makes me sick in my stomach
to think that I got you in trouble
with the colonel.
That's all right. I understand.
I know you didn't do it intentionally.
The colonel is pretty upset.
However, I've got a plan
that will rehabilitate both of us.
Sit down and take a memo.
To the sergeant major.
On your next list of promotion,
include the name of Corporal Bohun
to be elevated to the rank of sergeant.
Make it "staff sergeant.
All right now, Bohun, I have
a very important assignment for you.
You carry it through and | sign the memo.
Yes, sir.
I have every reason to believe
a black market is operating
in this hospital.
-You don't say, sir.
A fellow officer at Camp Chesterfield
tipped me off.
A number of our vehicles
loaded with supplies
have been going up and down
on the road to Le Havre.
Do tell, sir.
And I strongly suspect
Hogan's behind this ring.
I want to know when, how and where
Hogan is operating,
-and you're going to find out.
-Yes, sir. I'll try, sir.
You'll do more than try, Bohun.
You fail me this time and you're through
as G2 and otherwise, you understand?
You mean... You mean I won't get
to go to Washington with you, sir?
That's up to you, Bohun.
Now, get moving. I want results.
Meanwhile, I'll throw a check on
every vehicle leaving the hospital area.
Motor pool.
I'm telling you, Hogan,
that old hound dog man has got the scent.
With him checking all the vehicles,
how are we gonna get to the ball?
Yeah. Ooh.
That's right, sir. Hogan isn't the head
of a black market ring.
-No, sir.
He is organizing a ball.
-A ball?
-Yes, sir, a ball.
Those vehicles
that were seen on the highway, sir,
they were delivering supplies
to this here ball Hogan's running.
From what I gather, sir,
this is gonna be one of them
rooting, tooting, big, mad balls,
nurses and everything.
Nurses, eh? When, Bohun? And where?
Where are they holding the ball?
I know it's gonna be tonight, sir,
but I don't know where.
I called you everything
I could think of, sir,
but I just couldn't gain the confidence
of the men.
I'll restrict everybody to the base.
Well, sir, if you don't mind,
I have a plan.
That is, if you'd like to catch
the whole bunch of them red-handed.
-They're all meeting tonight at Supply
-and leaving in a convoy of ambulances.
Man, I sure am getting
to like this G2 business.
-The plan, Bohun.
-Well, sir.
The way I've got it figured,
if you were to mosey down to the
motor pool at about 1800 hours...
Hey, later. Come on.
-Where's the fire?
-Oh, no fire, sir.
Come on over to the Officers Club,
I'll buy you a drink.
-Thank you. That's very kind of you, but--
-You're not on duty, are you?
-No, sir, I'm not, but--
-There's nothing else to do.
Consider it an order, lieutenant.
Tonight, I'm a lonesome man.
Nothing helps a lonesome man
like having a drink with a pretty girl.
-So you're from Springfield, aren't you?
-Yes, sir. I am, sir.
Gosh, am I glad to see you.
-How many more, Hogan?
-That's it. That's the last one.
-She, uh, hasn't shown up yet, huh?
-I better get with it.
Okay, sir, all you got to do
is back up to those doors,
pick up a load of those renegade nurses
and enlisted men,
follow that last ambulance,
they'll lead you right to the place.
-You won't regret this, Bohun.
-I know I won't, sir.
Okay, boys. Let's go. Come on.
Psst. Okay. Go. Now, now. Go.
Schnell, schnell.
Come on.
-Good luck.
-Same to you. Thank you.
This is Hogan.
Get me Military Police Headquarters,
Le Havre, Sergeant Fraley.
That's right, Fraley, the last ambulance.
And thank you, boy.
You coming?
Bohun boy, you go ahead.
I got a couple of things I got to do.
-Hogan, if she ain't here by now, man...
Well, that's all right. I've got a jeep
standing by, I'll see you there.
All right.
I know just how you feel, colonel,
missing someone
you're fond of by just so much.
-It would have been a wonderful party.
I can just see Joe,
standing up there on his head.
Did I ever tell you about the time
in Hot yoke when Joe and me...
-Hey, lieutenant, you're crying.
-No, sir.
Don't contradict a superior officer.
-You're crying.
-Yes, sir.
Must you?
I can't stand to see a woman crying.
That's the trouble.
If I were just a woman,
I wouldn't be crying.
But I'm an officer.
Well, I can't stand to see
an officer crying.
Come on, a nice big smile.
Come on, now, that's an order.
I'm sorry, sir.
Tonight I just wanted to be a woman.
As your superior officer,
you have my permission.
You're just a woman.
It's no good here, sir.
I can't be a woman here.
Where can you be?
Just name it, you're as good as there.
Oh, really?
You're the last person in the world
I should tell.
But if I tell you,
now, do I have your word of honor
that tomorrow you'll forget everything
I tell you tonight?
My word of honor,
as an officer and a gentleman.
I want to go to a ball.
-A ball?
-I've been invited to a ball.
-How wonderful. Am I invited?
-Well, not exactly.
-I'm afraid you'll have to crash.
-Great. I'll crash. Come on, let's go.
Oh, colonel.
If you're gonna be just a woman,
I can't keep calling you lieutenant
all night.
-Call me Betty.
-Betty, come on. Let's go.
I hope we find it.
It's at a place called
the Hotel de la Poste.
De la...
What's that?
I am Captain Lock.
I am here on a G2 assignment.
If you're a captain,
why are you out of uniform?
Sergeant, for the lo-- Hey.
There's my colonel. That's Colonel Rousch.
Am I glad to see you, sir.
-What's going on here?
-Tell these men who I am, sir.
Sir, they claim that I was attempting
to help the PWs to escape, sir. Me.
We were only doing our duty, sir.
After all, transporting PWs
without proper auth--
I'll explain about that.
I didn't know there were PWs
in that ambulance.
I can prove it to you.
Just a minute, please.
Er, er, speak English? Speak...?
[IN GERMAN ACCENT] Is this true?
Is this true or the not true?
Sir, I swear to you, sir,
I did not know
there were prisoners in that ambulance.
I was framed, sir.
It was Bohun and Hogan that did it.
And, sir, they're having a ball,
with enlisted men and nurses.
Nurses and enlisted men, sir.
I was on my way to break it up--
-Yes, sir.
Who is this man?
Well, he claims to be your adjutant, sir.
This man, my adjutant?
My adjutant wouldn't be caught dead
out of uniform.
He's the best-dressed soldier
I've ever seen. Every inch an officer.
This is not the Captain Lock I know.
Take him away, sergeant.
-Thank you, sir.
-Come on, let's go.
-Come on, soldier, let's go. Come on.
-Come on. Get in there.
-Colonel! Colonel!
-Yes, sir.
Hold the prisoner overnight.
Have him come to my office in the morning.
Yes, sir.
I'll have Captain Lock
interrogate him himself.
-He'll get to the bottom of this.
-Yes, sir.
And in a year or two, sergeant, in a year
or two, I may be a member of the Senate.
Let's get this guy out of here
before he makes the White House.
-Listen, I...
-Yeah, give up already, Herman.
Herman? I'm Captain Lock.
Come on, girl. Let's get down
to the table. See you later.
Hi there, colonel.
At ease. Attention.
At ease.
As commanding officer
of the 1066 General Hospital,
it's my duty to order you
all to return to your quarters.
But as an officer and a gentleman,
I've given my word
what I see and hear tonight,
I'll forget tomorrow.
-Are you looking for someone?
-Yes. Yes, I am.
We're looking for... Have you seen...?
-Hogan, please?
No, he's not here, ma'am.
He was waiting for someone,
-but she didn't show up.
You have a phone here, Bohun?
Yes, colonel.
We have a direct line to your hospital.
-You have, have you?
-This way, please.
It's a great honor
to have you in my establishment.
-This way, colonel.
-Well, shall we dance?
-I'd love to later, thank you.
-Let's go, Hogan.
-What do you mean? What's going on?
The colonel wants to see you.
-Come on, come on, come on.
-Well, I figured.
You know, it's really too bad that
Monsieur Hogan couldn't come tonight.
Hogan? Oh, he'll be here.
-He'll be here?
That make me very happy.
You know that Monsieur Hogan is
really the best goodwill ambassador
that your country ever sent to France?
-Is that right?
-Yes, he is really.
You know, you remind me of him.
-No, not Hogan.
It was 1918.
We were very young, and so much in love.
He was a young American pilot.
He was Killed.
-By von Richthofen?
-Oh, no.
He forgot to put gas into his plane.
La-di-da, la-di-dee.
Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye.
Officers, non-commissioned officers,
ladies and gentlemen,
allow me to introduce to you the hippest,
the greatest, the mostest combo
that you have ever heard
in your entire cotton-picking lives.
Sharps and flats, play like dogs,
go on in there and get those cats.
Hey, cousin, where's my little old nursie?
There she is, cousin, as advertised.
And you ain't lying. Look out, cousin,
because I feel like flying.
-Hogan, I want to see you. You may go.
-Yes, sir.
-Hogan, who's responsible for this party?
-I am, sir.
I cooked it up,
and I'm responsible, and nobody else, sir.
Congratulations. It's a whale of a ball.
Incidentally, there's a little nurse
over there looking for you.
Wait a minute. I'm still half an officer.