Orcs! (2011) Movie Script
ORCS (2011)
Hey!
Wahh!
What are you doing?
Ezakial Crawford. Park ranger.
You scared the bejesus out of me.
Sorry. Sir.
Didn't mean to spook you.
These are National Park lands now.
No mining.
I'm sorry. Sir. But I'm afraid
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Shh. Did you hear that?
Mm-hm. You got your partner
down there?
No. Hand me that lantern.
Yeah. There you go.
Hey! Sir?
Sir. You OK?
Where'd you go?
Hmm.
Huh? Ah!
And the last highlight of the tour are
these stylised anthropomorphic figures
which are completely unique
in North American rock art.
Uh. when do we get to see
the balancing rock?
I'm afraid you can't. It's gone.
What the hell happened to it?
Balancing rock was dismantled in 1 996
after the Wyoming Ethics Board
declared the shadow it cast obscene.
Looked like a Johnson.
It collapsed in 1 9 7 3.
Many geological formations
are but temporary features
that will eventually succumb
to the forces of gravity and erosion.
You're telling me there ain't no balancing
rock in Balancing Rock National Park?
That's correct. Sir.
So. what else you got?
Uh. Apart from the fascinating
Native American pictographs?
And?
Uh. Couple of campgrounds
and a golf course. nine holes.
Unbelievable.
So thank you all for coming on the tour.
ladies and gentlemen.
and I hope you enjoy
the rest of your stay here
in beautiflll
Balancing Rock National Park.
It's Tina. Isn't it?
You know. Tina.
park rangers suffer the highest rate
of felonious assalllts and homicides
of any law enforcement agency
in the country.
Wow.
That must be a really tough job.
Yeah.
You have no idea.
202 to 205. Over.
205 here.
What do you want. Marge?
What's your position?
Uh...I'm just. Uh. You know.
finishing with the tour here.
at the pictographs.
Like hell. That tour finishe
90 minutes ago.
Now. Get your lazy ass
back own to the station pronto. Over.
MARGE: Ravens have learne
to unzip an unsnap packs.
Do not allow them access to your food.
It is harmflll and it is illegal.
Thank you.
What's shaking. Marge?
This is Hobart Moss. Volunteer ranger.
Super sent him over to help out
since Edgar's gone AWOL.
You can take him with you.
Take him where?
Marvin called. He's had some trouble.
Well. what kind of trouble?
The get-off-your-ass.
get-up-there-and-find-out-about-it
kind of trouble.
You don't have any authority
over me. Marge.
I'm lead ranger.
We're both GS-9s.
I'm senior.
By three months!
Fine. I'm gonna do it.
But only because it needs to be done.
We're both GS-9s.
I'm senior.
Possibly more than one bear.
I'd say black bear. not grizzly.
Black bear is more of a scavenger.
Hasn't been a bear here
for 1 0 years.
What you got there. Hobart?
You can call me Hobie.
This is my ranger notebook. I'm gonna
use it to take notes and log evidence.
I'm pretty sure it was those teenagers
camping down by the river.
They've been stealing stuff
from my store. And now this.
You know. They're doing drugs too.
You gonna do something about this?
Just let me handle this. OK?
Yes. Sir.
Don't call me sir.
Hey. Kids.
We saw your handiwork with the
trash cans up at the convenience store.
That wasn't us.
We've been here the whole time.
Yeah. It was probably bears.
Yeah. We know you kids got pot.
The entire campground reeks of it.
And what are you gonna do?
You're just a park ranger.
Actually. He's a federal officer. He has
full police powers within his jurisdiction.
So he can do whatever he wants.
And what are you?
I'm like...like a ranger cadet.
Like. I'm a ranger in training.
Listen. Kids. Just hand over the pot
and we'll pretend it was bears. Capisce?
Let's have the snacks.
Improperly stored food items
attract bears. Real bears.
I thought you said there
hadn't been a bear here in 1 0 years.
WOI'm trying. Honey!
Well. Try a little bit harder!
The stern oarsman can't do it
all by himself. You know.
Loosen your grip!
I told you before. Improper
paddle handling causes tendonitis.
OK. Now. Come on.
Move that paddle. woman.
Stroke! Stroke!
Come on. Baby.
Come on. Come on.
So how many of those
do you need to smoke
before you know
it's real marijuana weed?
Well...
The manual says two. But...
..I think we're gonna be OK
after one.
I don't remember reading that.
Oh. Really?
You know. I'm not sure it was those kids
that threw all that trash around Marvin's.
Those trash cans were demolished.
It would have taken
a grown man. well...
..stronger. Something more powerflll
than a grown man.
Cal...
Do you believe in Big Foot?
Kidding me. Right?
There's a lot of evidence.
compelling evidence.
that suggests that Big Foot is...
202 to 205. Over.
There's the only hairy monster
I believe in. Get that for me. Buddy?
Yes. Sir!
I mean. Cal.
205 to 202.
Who's this?
Uh. This is Hobart Moss.
volunteer ranger. Ma'am.
Uh...hello?
Where's Robertson?
Uh. Robertson's working hard.
He's. Uh. Just smoking
some of the suspected marijuana.
He's what?
Hey. Marge. Cal here.
Hobie's just. Im...
You know.
he's just messing around.
Are you there. Marge?
Oh. L'm here. Robertson.
We got another complaint
that the northern camp toilets
are stinking up the park.
Deal with it.
Well. where's Edgar?
That's his job.
Still can't find him.
So you two better get out there
an lime them yourselves.
Shall we go?
No more mining! Save our land!
No more blasting! Here we stand!
No more mining! Save the land!
No more blasting! Here we stand!
No more blasting!
Here we stand!
Dammit!
That's enough. Hobie. Let's go.
But we already paid for these.
Well. Hello. Cal.
Hi. Katie.
Well. Isn't this a familiar sight?
Hiding behind that doughnut
while this guy does all the work.
Nothing ever changes.
You're still a selfish jackass.
Hey. why don't you put that
on one of your signs?
Open-cast mining
is a crime against nature.
They're going to destroy this community.
She's right. You know.
Thank you. I am right. And any
decent park ranger would know that.
Outside of my park.
not my problem.
Let's go. Hobie.
Man. That woman is crazy.
You know. She once asked me to break
into a government building with her
so she could steal some documents
to implicate a senator.
That's probably just her way
to show you that she cares about you.
I mean. She doesn't actually show it.
She actually seems like she hates you.
But in actuality. You're a park ranger.
I'm sure Katie sees that.
and she's gotta respect you for it.
Well. She got a funny way
of showing it.
Don't you just love this job?
Once.
Alright. Finish up in there.
I gotta take a dump.
Oh! Ugh! You didn't do
a very good job in here. Hobie.
Man. I hate camp toilets.
They're so disgusting.
There's always pee all over the seat
and there's spiders everywhere.
I'm always afraid one of them's
gonna bite my privates.
Also stinks like something
crawled in there and died.
Poor guy.
What the hell was Edgar doing
down in that hole?
Why didn't you tell me he was in there?
I didn't look down!
It totally freaks me out.
Do you think he just fell in?
He didn't fall in.
He must have climbed in.
I mean. He'd been
a bit depressed lately. But...
No. He must have been afraid
of something so bad
that he climbed in there.
and he couldn't get back out.
Look at these claw marks. Maybe that
was a bear at Marvin's store after all.
Or maybe it wasn't a bear.
There's no such thing
as Big Foot. Hobie.
A bear wouldn't scare me enough
to go climbing in poop.
A bear back at Balancing Rock
after all these years.
Edgar was a friend of mine. Hobie.
Well. You know. not really a friend.
but. I mean. He was a colleague.
He was a really good colleague.
He hated this job.
He always wanted to open up
his own bake shop.
Now look how he ended up.
Neck-deep in other people's turds.
What a waste.
Egar Hanson.
loy al park employee. Our sorely misse
coworker and friend.
passed this day
as he would have wished.
doing the job he loved.
This the coroner?
This is Dan Whiting. He's come
to see you on official business.
I need to get a urine sample
from you. Officer.
What's this all about?
Surprise drug test.
We don't have surprise drug tests.
Surprise!
Fine.
Remember. Urine. not sperm.
Do I get a cup?
Here you go. Dan.
Don't drink it all at once.
Hmph!
Goodnight. Officers.
You know. Those tests
have a 50olo false negative. So...
..don't write me off just yet.
We'll see.
You know. Marge.
we lost one of our own out there today.
and there's a rogue bear
on the loose.
Edgar's no loss.
And neither will you be.
Sure. Make yourself itsef!
for the little time you have left.
Post all the bear warning signs
you want.
Fine. Give me the key
to the gun safe.
You have your handgun.
For a bear? This'll just piss him off!
I need a rifle.
You're right.
This is a tranquilliser gun.
Well. we need more than this!
Pepper spray.
In case you meet
the big bad bear.
Give me the key to the damn gun room.
The only way you're gonna get the key is
if you pry it from my cold. Dead fingers.
Happy hunting. Boys.
I thought you said those tests
had. Like. A 50olo false negative.
I lied. Hobie.
So screwed.
I'm sorry.
Look. Don't worry about it. OK?
If it wasn't gonna be this.
it would be something else.
Marge has had it in for me
for a long time.
She told me you were like
a cancerous cyst growing in her armpit.
Then when I asked her
what that felt like. She...
..she told me
to shut my cakehole.
Yeah. well. That's classic Marge.
You know...
..these conditions are perfect
for Big Foot sightings.
Sun's about to go down.
fog should be rolling in.
Just when you can't see properly and
you can let your imagination take over.
Say what you will.
but l bet he's out there. Right now.
Just watching us.
Smelling us.
That's what I'd be doing.
Yes. I'm sure he is.
Just finish this up.
Hey. Look at this track right here.
That's a pretty big footprint.
wouldn't you say?
Sure. They're big footprints.
Big footprints? Or Big Foot prints?
I mean they're giant bear prints!
Now let's get the hell out of here.
You're giving me the heebie-jeebies.
It's like he was headed
this direction.
and then he probably
smelled something interesting.
Where are you going?
Come on! Hobie!
..up through here...
Dammit!
Hobie?
Hobie. Come on.
Where are you?
Hobie.
Shh! I think I heard something.
Yeah. It was probably me.
Shh!
Big Foots get skittish at dusk.
Don't you mean Big Feet?
Big Foots.
I think.
What is that?
That's pretty freaky.
What do you think
would do something like that?
Three teenaged stoners.
that's who.
Alright. Let's get the hell out of here.
Where can I drop you off?
Well...
Marge said I could
stay in the park. with you.
Course she did.
I'm not tucking you in.
Hey. Cal. If you could be any
protected species. what would you be?
I'd be a narwhal.
It wasn't supposed to
end like this. Hobie.
Hanalei Bay. Hawaii.
That's where I was headed.
You know. I'd have grown...
..pineapples and coconuts
behind the station.
And the native girls would have
used them to make pina coladas.
And they would have danced for me
in their hllla skirts
and their coconut bikinis.
And everybody would have
treated me like a king.
'Cause I'd keep everybody safe
in paradise.
Wow. That sounds awesome.
When I become a ranger.
I don't care where they put me.
Just as long as I
work with good people.
You know. They become
kind of like your family. I think.
That's something I never had.
But if I had my choice.
I'd choose one of the big parks.
like Yosemite or Yellowstone.
Yellowstone can kiss my ass.
You know what big parks are?
Paperwork. Daily uniform inspections.
Time management. Requisition forms
for every little. Tiny thing.
Sexual harassment suits!
Oh. You know. He never
had to deal with any of that.
Who's he?
Ezekiel Crawford.
Park's first ranger.
Oh. I've heard of him.
Didn't he die protecting the park
from illegal mining?
That's right.
A real hero.
Rangers were rangers back then.
None of this weak-sauce
bureaucratic pussies
you find in the service nowadays.
You know. Maybe
it's just the booze talking. But...
..I think I want to get fired.
Well. what about the coconuts?
Coconuts are over. Hobie.
I'm the loser. Marge wins.
And that's what
really pisses me off.
Come over here.
Stop it.
Guys! Take it easy over there.
I'm trying to concentrate.
Kyle. Tammy. Quit it! It's not funny.
Sasquatch.
Oh. Dammit!
This is Ranger Cal Robertson.
I know it's you.
you pot-smoking teenagers.
banging on those bongo drums.
Shut the hell up and go to sleep!
Thank you.
Don't make me come out there.
you little pissants!
I will use whatever force is necessary
to keep the peace.
Get up. Volunteer Cadet Hobie!
Sasquatch!
I'm getting transferred to Hanalei Bay.
Hawaii. And you're coming with.
How about it?
Yes. Sir!
OK. Then. We have 2 hours
before those test reslllts come back in.
And I'll be damned
if we don't go out there
and prove we've the best damned
rangers in the US Park Service.
Now. Let's go get that bear.
Or Big Foot.
OK. whatever it is that's causing
a ruckus out there. Let's go deal with it.
On your feet. Ranger!
Yes. Sir!
But first we're gonna deal with
those nocturnal pot-smoking.
drum-banging. Punk-ass teenagers.
That's a lot of cheese puffs.
Told those kids
not to store food in the tent.
I've never seen a bear attack before.
It's horrible.
Yeah. It ain't pretty.
Still. no partially eaten remains
scattered around the immediate area
of the attack site. So that's a good sign.
Kids must have run off.
Still. It looks like one of 'em's hurt.
What do we do now?
Now we make that bear sorry
he ever stepped foot in our park.
I wish
bears were nice. Like Yogi.
OK. I can see...
I can see you're...
you're referring to a cartoon.
Now. This is gonna be a real bear.
a real bear which will kill you...
Whoa!
Whoa. whoa. whoa. Cease fire!
What was it?
Well. First of all. It's a chipmunk.
Second of all. He's dead.
Those the drums you heard?
Yeah. That's really freaky.
Oh. My gosh.
Oh. My gosh!
It's those damn kids!
Alright. You little punks.
You had your fun.
You trashed your own camp.
faked a bear attack. Congratlllations.
Oh. My God!
Run!
Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go!
Some maniacs murdered
those poor pot-smoking kids!
I mean. who would do
such a thing?
It wasn't Big Foot!
Don't be ridiclllous.
Big Foots don't use bows and arrows.
We gotta evacuate the rest of the park
before someone else gets killed.
What about Marge? She's lead ranger!
She is not lead ranger. Hobie!
We are both GS-9s. OK?
You and I are gonna handle this.
You and me!
You take the west fork on the ATV.
I'm gonna clear out the east.
Get the main gate shut down.
head back to Marvin's.
Hey! Take this just in case.
I'm sorry! I'm going! I'm sorry!
Go. Go. Go!
Attention. Park patrons.
Please remain calm. But there is
a horde of bloodthirsty murderers
heading your way.
Please leave everything...leave
your belongings and...and r...go away.
Leave far. Far away.
Hey. Girls.
If you happen to run into what
looks like an apelike man. A Big Foot.
a sasquatch or serial clllt rapist.
please run for your lives.
'cause he killed a really cute teenager
who was using illegal drugs.
but she probably
was a good person still.
I. Uh. Think you may have
missed a spot. Uh... Uh... Yeah.
Just a little bit right there. Yeah.
Here?
You never can be too careflll.
You know. Skin cancer. It's a real killer.
So. Uh...
Also. There's been
a brutal dismemberment in the park
of at least one patron.
possibly four.
What?!
Technically. It's more of a decapitation.
So. Uh. I'm afraid we're gonna
have to evacuate the park.
Oh. My gosh!
Why don't you toss your tushes
in the jeep and follow me out of here?
1 0-. 1 0-. Cadet Hobie approaching
with an all clear.
I repeat. An all clear.
That's all clear.
Everybody left the camp in a hurry.
Everyone's gone.
Are you sure we're not missing anyone?
Yep. Pretty sure.
The western campers?
Check.
The camp toilets?
Uh. Check.
You got the golf course?
Hey. Walter.
Hey! Jackass!
Get off the fairway!
Don't worry - I'm sure those rich
papa's-boy corporate-monkey assholes
are fine. OK?
Look. There's no reason
to be alarmed.
When the time comes to be alarmed.
we'll be alarmed. Now's not the time.
OK.
They'll be fine on the golf course. OK?
They've got their clubs
to protect them.
We failed them.
Well. Let's not get carried away.
They probably just left in a hurry
when they saw everyone else leaving.
Come on. Let's go.
A golfer lay here.
And another.
He crawled.
Hobie. Buddy.
We really got to...get...
Please tell me you're not LARPing.
The others fied.
And they were followed.
Hey! Looks like one of 'em
lost a shoe.
These tracks
lead away from the battle.
Oh! Oh!
Oh!
202 to 205. Over.
Ah!
205 here.
What the hell have
you two ickw as one now?
Why i you
evacuate my park. You. . .
. Morons?
It's not your park. Marge. And. Uh...
I. Uh...
What?
We have a. Uh...
a...a situation here. Marge.
What are you blathering about? liot!
Are you high again?
No! And I'm not blathering. OK?
We. Im...
Look. Just sit tight in the station
and we'll be there soon.
l swear to Go. Robertson. L'm gonna. . .
205 out.
We have to do it. You know.
Do what?
We have to rescue Marge.
Yeah. well. Let's get Marv first. OK?
She can wait.
What now? More tracks?
So?
What is that?
This tooth did not come
from a human. Look at it.
I'd rather not. Thanks.
I think I have an idea
what we're dealing with here.
Let me guess. Big Feet?
Think you'd better not tell me.
Marvin?
Marv?
Marvin. You in there?
Marvin?
I found him.
Should we put him
in the truck?
Marge! Thank God!
Never thought I'd say that.
These damn things are all over my park!
It's not just your park!
Is the rest of the store clear?
What?! Yeah.
Good! Then what I want you to do...
Idiots...
Hobie!
It's an orc!
No. It's not. There's no such thing.
But it's right here!
Where did it come from?
How did it get here?
I don't know. And I don't care. Let's just
get the hell out of the park. Hobie! Now!
We need to call the National Guard.
We just need to get to a payphone and...
Oh. Hell no!
Isn't this the only road out of the park?
Yep.
So. How are we gonna get out?!
I'm working on it!
Well. You need to go faster!
Go! Go! Go!
Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go!
Go. Go. Go. Go. Go!
Take the wheel!
Yeah! Yeah!
Hobie. Look out!
You did it! Yeah!
Are you OK. Buddy?
I think so.
I got you. Come on.
Here you go. Come on.
Come on. Come on. Let's go! Go. Go!
What... What are you doing?
You OK?
My ankle. I think I sprained it.
That's just great.
Can you get off me now?
Come on. Let's go.
Will you marry me?
What the hell are you doing here?
You're welcome?
OK. Thank you.
What the hell
are you doing here?
I was going to the uranium mine
when I ran into one of these things.
What'd you do?
I killed him. And I took this.
What were you doing
at the uranium mine?
Something you would never do.
Taking responsibility.
Oh!
Wow. Responsibility.
That's...that's right.
That's your fancy word for 'terrorism'.
Wow. You are so unbelievable.
You know what?
Let's talk about this another time. OK?
We are 20 miles outside of town.
We got to get going.
He can't walk 20 miles! Look at him.
Sure he can. He's tough.
Right. Hobart?
I'm fine.
Don't be ridiclllous!
Your ranger station's not far from here.
We can hole up there.
then llse a radio to call for help.
We got to get out of here!
There's at least a dozen of these things.
Maybe more. For all we know.
The station's only a mile away.
It's the safest place here.
If we start walking...
..we don't stand a chance.
Hobie can't run.
I'll go on foot
and I'll bring back help.
20 miles?! A man in your shape?
It'd take two days.
Besides. Hobie and I need to go
to the ranger station anyway.
You have weapons there. Don't you?
Marge says she has an Uzi. 9mm.
Yeah. Yeah. That could work. Yeah.
Dammit!
What?
The key.
OK. You stand guard out here.
Hobie and I'll be back in a minute
with the key.
You sure you two
can manage in there by yourself?
You know. She thinks she's some kind
of Amazon warrior with that bow.
Like we can't take care of ourselves.
Hey. we're trained professionals.
Well. I'm a trained professional.
You're just a volunteer.
She did save us.
Let's just get this over with. OK?
Sure she has the key on her?
Yep.
From her cold. Dead fingers.
Wish it was that easy.
Maybe it's...maybe
it's in her shirt pockets.
Oh. That's it! That's it. I can't do this.
Maybe it's in her bra.
That's where my stepmom
keeps her cell phone.
Ah! Ah!
Oh.
Ah!
Bingo.
Keep it safe.
Oh. That's not...
Hobie!
Do something!
OK. I'll go get Katie!
No. You do something!
Ah!
Oh. Get it off me.
get it off me!
Let's not tell Katie about this.
You OK?
Thank you.
What happened to you?
What?
Well. I had to kill one
to get the key.
Let's go.
So. Katie. what all do you know
about orcs?
What?
Don't use that word.
Well. That's what they are.
I figure maybe they're
a government experiment gone wrong.
Ah. Yes. The government!
Now. That's a surprise.
Humanlchimpanzee hybrids.
Like Stalin's humanlape hybrid program
in the late 1920s.
They really did that?
Don't encourage her.
Or. Like. A wormhole. See?
They probably transported here from...
Oh. Unless...
Maybe they've been in the mountain
the whole time.
What do you think. Cal?
I think you're both idiots.
Now. Shut up about it and stay alert.
Ah!
I told you one of the golfers
made it off the course.
Get off the road!
Holy crap! There's hundreds of 'em.
Where are they going?
Away from the station.
That's all that matters.
Leave it off.
Calling all units. This is National Park
Unit 238. Please respond. Over.
This is Captain John Morrison.
I read you. Over.
We have an emergency situation.
There are three of us trapped
at Balancing Rock National Park.
We need help immediately. Over.
Unfortunately.
the National Guard has their hans full.
You're breaking up.
Please repeat. Over.
Cal.
You should look at this.
Hello?
.pouring out of the uranium
mine at the centre of the affecte region.
The National Guar has been. . .
Turn it up.
An armoure ivision has arrive
on the scene that shoul turn the tie
of the battle in our favour!
Well. I knew this was a terrible idea.
No-one's coming to save us.
I need to write this down.
My notebook!
I had it at Marvin's!
We need to go back and get it!
Forget about your stupid book. We got
bigger things to worry about right now.
Everything I learned about the orcs
is in there.
Yeah. Yeah. Big loss.
Just give me the key to the gun safe
so we can at least defend ourselves.
I don't have the key.
What?
I'm sure you have it.
It's gone.
It must have fallen out
when I dropped my notebook.
That's just great.
I've had enough of this.
I'm sorry.
Where are you going?
Where I should have gone
in the first place. Out of the park.
You could come with me.
What about Hobie?
We can't just leave him here alone.
We could bring back help.
That could be days!
You're unbelievable.
What are you talking about?
This is the only chance we've got!
I'm going out there to save us all.
By saving yourself first?
I don't have to justify any of this.
Just take care of Hobie.
I'll be back as soon as I can.
Don't bother. You just worry about
yourself. 'cause that's what you do best.
OK.
Great.
What are we gonna do now?
We'll just...sit tight and...
..stay alert.
Until Cal comes with the help.
Sure.
Great. I'm selfish.
Where are you? I'm out here
saving your ass. In the dark. By myself.
You know? Where are you?
So you really don't think
he's gonna come back?
No.
He only cares about himself.
It's Dan. The pee cup man.
What happened to you?
Something attacked my car last night.
I managed to get away.
I spent the whole day in the forest.
I crawled here on my hands and knees.
There's monsters everywhere!
Everything's gonna be fine.
It might not be fine.
Not without those guns.
At least not till Cal gets back.
We don't need him. Hobie.
We can do this.
Now. Go get me a paperclip.
You look like you've done this before.
A few times.
Isn't she awesome?
She certainly is.
Why'd you come back?
Fair enough.
I found Hobie's notebook.
Hobie. Study your notes.
Let us know what you find out.
Thanks. Cal.
I knew you'd be back.
I know you did. Buddy.
God bless those crazy NRA libertarians
and their weapons of mass destruction.
I call the Uzi.
I'm sorry.
For what?
For leaving.
It's OK.
You came back.
No. I mean.
before all this stuff happened.
I mean...us.
In fact. I wanted to tell you...
I think I've found something.
Something genius?
I think so. Look at this.
Do these look familiar?
Yeah. I see 'em every day.
No! Look at the symbols.
That's them alright.
They fought these things
2.000 years ago.
If those Stone-Aged knuckle-draggers
could beat them. So can we. Right?
The tribe that painted these things
vanished.
No-one knows what happened.
Till now.
Oh. That's just great!
But look at this!
They don't like the light.
Oh-ho! Well done. Hobie.
We've got search-and-rescue lights
in storage.
Let's make these...
..orcs sorry they ever messed with
the US Park Service.
Alright. There you go. Got it? OK.
OK.
OK. Here we go. Last one.
There you go.
OK.
Head down there.
Oh!
What the hell?
Turn it off!
I'm trying!
Cal!
Cal. Get in here!
Orcs!
Well... We didn't get
all dressed up for nothing.
Get back to your stations.
D-man. You just drew the short straw.
Hey. Don't turn it on until I say so.
See anything? Over.
l think l see something.
There's movement in the trees
to the north.
Oh. Yeah.
Think I prefer the drums.
This doesn't look good.
Hold fire!
Now. now!
Hobie. You crazy genius.
They're going away.
They're leaving!
Is that all they got?
Easy. Tiger.
There's movement.
Here they come.
Die! Die!
One got past me!
My briefcase.
I wanted you to have this.
Don't drink it all at once.
I won't.
Help me block the door.
OK. Bring it. Right to the door. Good.
OK. Push it against the wall. Tight.
Right. OK. Good.
On the top. OK. Shove it in.
OK. Good. OK. Push it.
Bring me that over there.
This one there. OK. Good. Alright.
What else we got?
OK. Good. Push under there. OK.
Up the top. OK.
OK. Let's get back to our posts.
Hobie. You're in the back office.
Katie. You're with me.
They're coming.
I know.
Wait.
Rangers for Balancing Rock.
Rangers...
Let's not do this.
Uh-uh.
Those drums
are really pissing me off.
OK. See how they like this.
L'm just a fool
Ain't love gran?
Lt's all a matter of supply an. . . .
Here they come.
. . Eman
Wanting to be with you
han in han
Just one thing l can't unerstan
You got lots of buyers but just one item
Line 'em up
l guess l gotta fight 'em
How much you asking?
l'll top any price
Maybe l'll win
with a rop of the ice
There's only one of you
to go aroun
L sai. There's not enough of you
to go aroun. . . .
Stay with me. Kis.
Here we go.
How much you asking? .
Cal. I seriously need you back here.
I'm not kidding!
CAL!
Can you manage?
I'm good! Go!
There's not enough of you
No. no
There's not enough of you. Baby
To go around. . . .
Something new!
They're coming for the oor!
No. There's not enough of you
There's only one of you
Just me an you. . . .
Stop that thing!
Gonna start something new. .
Katie. How many of those
dynamite arrows do you have left?
Just one.
Use it on that big bastard.
Maybe that'll stop 'em.
Yes!
Oh. Crap.
Oh. Crap.
Take him down!
Get down!
How's he doing?
Tell me again
about the coconuts. Cal.
Well. we're gonna have pineapples
and coconuts behind the station.
And. Uh...
..the local girls will use them
to make pina coladas.
And. Uh. They'll do...
dances for us
in their hllla skirts.
their coconut bikinis.
And everyone will call us kings
because...
Hey! Don't you dare
die on me. Hobie!
I'm going to Hanalei Bay.
And you're coming with me.
OK?
Into the crawl space! Hurry!
Come on!
Come on!
Are you OK?
Keep going!
Katie. In case we don't
get out of this alive. I love you.
Thanks! That's great.
Bad timing. Though.
You guys head off into the forest.
What about you?
I got three bullets left.
I'm gonna hold 'em off
as long as I can.
I'll catch up.
OK. OK. Go.
Get the hell out of here!
Here! Here you go.
Cal?
Cal?
Cal. Look out!
Hey!
Stay the hell out of my park.
And the descendants of those species
who made the difficlllt journey
to these geographically isolated islands
have evolved into the impressive array
of unique Hawaiian native species
we see around us today.
So thank you all for coming on the tour.
ladies and gentlemen.
Hope you enjoy
the rest of your stay here
in beautifull
Hanalei Bay National Park.
Are you Ranger Robertson.
who slew the orc leader
from the Battle of Balancing Rock?
I'll let my colleague. Ranger Hobart.
take it from here.
Now. I'm sure you're all very excited
to speak about the orcs.
but before we do that.
I'd like to enlighten all you folks
about the mythical legend
of the Menehune.
Walk with me as we talk.
Now. These people...
Follow me. Folks.
These mystical creatures
are only two feet tall and very shy.
You scare off those
asshole golf course developers yet?
I'm working on it.
Well. Good for you.
So how's it feel
to be a ranger in paradise?
It's like you - perfect.
Hey!
Wahh!
What are you doing?
Ezakial Crawford. Park ranger.
You scared the bejesus out of me.
Sorry. Sir.
Didn't mean to spook you.
These are National Park lands now.
No mining.
I'm sorry. Sir. But I'm afraid
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Shh. Did you hear that?
Mm-hm. You got your partner
down there?
No. Hand me that lantern.
Yeah. There you go.
Hey! Sir?
Sir. You OK?
Where'd you go?
Hmm.
Huh? Ah!
And the last highlight of the tour are
these stylised anthropomorphic figures
which are completely unique
in North American rock art.
Uh. when do we get to see
the balancing rock?
I'm afraid you can't. It's gone.
What the hell happened to it?
Balancing rock was dismantled in 1 996
after the Wyoming Ethics Board
declared the shadow it cast obscene.
Looked like a Johnson.
It collapsed in 1 9 7 3.
Many geological formations
are but temporary features
that will eventually succumb
to the forces of gravity and erosion.
You're telling me there ain't no balancing
rock in Balancing Rock National Park?
That's correct. Sir.
So. what else you got?
Uh. Apart from the fascinating
Native American pictographs?
And?
Uh. Couple of campgrounds
and a golf course. nine holes.
Unbelievable.
So thank you all for coming on the tour.
ladies and gentlemen.
and I hope you enjoy
the rest of your stay here
in beautiflll
Balancing Rock National Park.
It's Tina. Isn't it?
You know. Tina.
park rangers suffer the highest rate
of felonious assalllts and homicides
of any law enforcement agency
in the country.
Wow.
That must be a really tough job.
Yeah.
You have no idea.
202 to 205. Over.
205 here.
What do you want. Marge?
What's your position?
Uh...I'm just. Uh. You know.
finishing with the tour here.
at the pictographs.
Like hell. That tour finishe
90 minutes ago.
Now. Get your lazy ass
back own to the station pronto. Over.
MARGE: Ravens have learne
to unzip an unsnap packs.
Do not allow them access to your food.
It is harmflll and it is illegal.
Thank you.
What's shaking. Marge?
This is Hobart Moss. Volunteer ranger.
Super sent him over to help out
since Edgar's gone AWOL.
You can take him with you.
Take him where?
Marvin called. He's had some trouble.
Well. what kind of trouble?
The get-off-your-ass.
get-up-there-and-find-out-about-it
kind of trouble.
You don't have any authority
over me. Marge.
I'm lead ranger.
We're both GS-9s.
I'm senior.
By three months!
Fine. I'm gonna do it.
But only because it needs to be done.
We're both GS-9s.
I'm senior.
Possibly more than one bear.
I'd say black bear. not grizzly.
Black bear is more of a scavenger.
Hasn't been a bear here
for 1 0 years.
What you got there. Hobart?
You can call me Hobie.
This is my ranger notebook. I'm gonna
use it to take notes and log evidence.
I'm pretty sure it was those teenagers
camping down by the river.
They've been stealing stuff
from my store. And now this.
You know. They're doing drugs too.
You gonna do something about this?
Just let me handle this. OK?
Yes. Sir.
Don't call me sir.
Hey. Kids.
We saw your handiwork with the
trash cans up at the convenience store.
That wasn't us.
We've been here the whole time.
Yeah. It was probably bears.
Yeah. We know you kids got pot.
The entire campground reeks of it.
And what are you gonna do?
You're just a park ranger.
Actually. He's a federal officer. He has
full police powers within his jurisdiction.
So he can do whatever he wants.
And what are you?
I'm like...like a ranger cadet.
Like. I'm a ranger in training.
Listen. Kids. Just hand over the pot
and we'll pretend it was bears. Capisce?
Let's have the snacks.
Improperly stored food items
attract bears. Real bears.
I thought you said there
hadn't been a bear here in 1 0 years.
WOI'm trying. Honey!
Well. Try a little bit harder!
The stern oarsman can't do it
all by himself. You know.
Loosen your grip!
I told you before. Improper
paddle handling causes tendonitis.
OK. Now. Come on.
Move that paddle. woman.
Stroke! Stroke!
Come on. Baby.
Come on. Come on.
So how many of those
do you need to smoke
before you know
it's real marijuana weed?
Well...
The manual says two. But...
..I think we're gonna be OK
after one.
I don't remember reading that.
Oh. Really?
You know. I'm not sure it was those kids
that threw all that trash around Marvin's.
Those trash cans were demolished.
It would have taken
a grown man. well...
..stronger. Something more powerflll
than a grown man.
Cal...
Do you believe in Big Foot?
Kidding me. Right?
There's a lot of evidence.
compelling evidence.
that suggests that Big Foot is...
202 to 205. Over.
There's the only hairy monster
I believe in. Get that for me. Buddy?
Yes. Sir!
I mean. Cal.
205 to 202.
Who's this?
Uh. This is Hobart Moss.
volunteer ranger. Ma'am.
Uh...hello?
Where's Robertson?
Uh. Robertson's working hard.
He's. Uh. Just smoking
some of the suspected marijuana.
He's what?
Hey. Marge. Cal here.
Hobie's just. Im...
You know.
he's just messing around.
Are you there. Marge?
Oh. L'm here. Robertson.
We got another complaint
that the northern camp toilets
are stinking up the park.
Deal with it.
Well. where's Edgar?
That's his job.
Still can't find him.
So you two better get out there
an lime them yourselves.
Shall we go?
No more mining! Save our land!
No more blasting! Here we stand!
No more mining! Save the land!
No more blasting! Here we stand!
No more blasting!
Here we stand!
Dammit!
That's enough. Hobie. Let's go.
But we already paid for these.
Well. Hello. Cal.
Hi. Katie.
Well. Isn't this a familiar sight?
Hiding behind that doughnut
while this guy does all the work.
Nothing ever changes.
You're still a selfish jackass.
Hey. why don't you put that
on one of your signs?
Open-cast mining
is a crime against nature.
They're going to destroy this community.
She's right. You know.
Thank you. I am right. And any
decent park ranger would know that.
Outside of my park.
not my problem.
Let's go. Hobie.
Man. That woman is crazy.
You know. She once asked me to break
into a government building with her
so she could steal some documents
to implicate a senator.
That's probably just her way
to show you that she cares about you.
I mean. She doesn't actually show it.
She actually seems like she hates you.
But in actuality. You're a park ranger.
I'm sure Katie sees that.
and she's gotta respect you for it.
Well. She got a funny way
of showing it.
Don't you just love this job?
Once.
Alright. Finish up in there.
I gotta take a dump.
Oh! Ugh! You didn't do
a very good job in here. Hobie.
Man. I hate camp toilets.
They're so disgusting.
There's always pee all over the seat
and there's spiders everywhere.
I'm always afraid one of them's
gonna bite my privates.
Also stinks like something
crawled in there and died.
Poor guy.
What the hell was Edgar doing
down in that hole?
Why didn't you tell me he was in there?
I didn't look down!
It totally freaks me out.
Do you think he just fell in?
He didn't fall in.
He must have climbed in.
I mean. He'd been
a bit depressed lately. But...
No. He must have been afraid
of something so bad
that he climbed in there.
and he couldn't get back out.
Look at these claw marks. Maybe that
was a bear at Marvin's store after all.
Or maybe it wasn't a bear.
There's no such thing
as Big Foot. Hobie.
A bear wouldn't scare me enough
to go climbing in poop.
A bear back at Balancing Rock
after all these years.
Edgar was a friend of mine. Hobie.
Well. You know. not really a friend.
but. I mean. He was a colleague.
He was a really good colleague.
He hated this job.
He always wanted to open up
his own bake shop.
Now look how he ended up.
Neck-deep in other people's turds.
What a waste.
Egar Hanson.
loy al park employee. Our sorely misse
coworker and friend.
passed this day
as he would have wished.
doing the job he loved.
This the coroner?
This is Dan Whiting. He's come
to see you on official business.
I need to get a urine sample
from you. Officer.
What's this all about?
Surprise drug test.
We don't have surprise drug tests.
Surprise!
Fine.
Remember. Urine. not sperm.
Do I get a cup?
Here you go. Dan.
Don't drink it all at once.
Hmph!
Goodnight. Officers.
You know. Those tests
have a 50olo false negative. So...
..don't write me off just yet.
We'll see.
You know. Marge.
we lost one of our own out there today.
and there's a rogue bear
on the loose.
Edgar's no loss.
And neither will you be.
Sure. Make yourself itsef!
for the little time you have left.
Post all the bear warning signs
you want.
Fine. Give me the key
to the gun safe.
You have your handgun.
For a bear? This'll just piss him off!
I need a rifle.
You're right.
This is a tranquilliser gun.
Well. we need more than this!
Pepper spray.
In case you meet
the big bad bear.
Give me the key to the damn gun room.
The only way you're gonna get the key is
if you pry it from my cold. Dead fingers.
Happy hunting. Boys.
I thought you said those tests
had. Like. A 50olo false negative.
I lied. Hobie.
So screwed.
I'm sorry.
Look. Don't worry about it. OK?
If it wasn't gonna be this.
it would be something else.
Marge has had it in for me
for a long time.
She told me you were like
a cancerous cyst growing in her armpit.
Then when I asked her
what that felt like. She...
..she told me
to shut my cakehole.
Yeah. well. That's classic Marge.
You know...
..these conditions are perfect
for Big Foot sightings.
Sun's about to go down.
fog should be rolling in.
Just when you can't see properly and
you can let your imagination take over.
Say what you will.
but l bet he's out there. Right now.
Just watching us.
Smelling us.
That's what I'd be doing.
Yes. I'm sure he is.
Just finish this up.
Hey. Look at this track right here.
That's a pretty big footprint.
wouldn't you say?
Sure. They're big footprints.
Big footprints? Or Big Foot prints?
I mean they're giant bear prints!
Now let's get the hell out of here.
You're giving me the heebie-jeebies.
It's like he was headed
this direction.
and then he probably
smelled something interesting.
Where are you going?
Come on! Hobie!
..up through here...
Dammit!
Hobie?
Hobie. Come on.
Where are you?
Hobie.
Shh! I think I heard something.
Yeah. It was probably me.
Shh!
Big Foots get skittish at dusk.
Don't you mean Big Feet?
Big Foots.
I think.
What is that?
That's pretty freaky.
What do you think
would do something like that?
Three teenaged stoners.
that's who.
Alright. Let's get the hell out of here.
Where can I drop you off?
Well...
Marge said I could
stay in the park. with you.
Course she did.
I'm not tucking you in.
Hey. Cal. If you could be any
protected species. what would you be?
I'd be a narwhal.
It wasn't supposed to
end like this. Hobie.
Hanalei Bay. Hawaii.
That's where I was headed.
You know. I'd have grown...
..pineapples and coconuts
behind the station.
And the native girls would have
used them to make pina coladas.
And they would have danced for me
in their hllla skirts
and their coconut bikinis.
And everybody would have
treated me like a king.
'Cause I'd keep everybody safe
in paradise.
Wow. That sounds awesome.
When I become a ranger.
I don't care where they put me.
Just as long as I
work with good people.
You know. They become
kind of like your family. I think.
That's something I never had.
But if I had my choice.
I'd choose one of the big parks.
like Yosemite or Yellowstone.
Yellowstone can kiss my ass.
You know what big parks are?
Paperwork. Daily uniform inspections.
Time management. Requisition forms
for every little. Tiny thing.
Sexual harassment suits!
Oh. You know. He never
had to deal with any of that.
Who's he?
Ezekiel Crawford.
Park's first ranger.
Oh. I've heard of him.
Didn't he die protecting the park
from illegal mining?
That's right.
A real hero.
Rangers were rangers back then.
None of this weak-sauce
bureaucratic pussies
you find in the service nowadays.
You know. Maybe
it's just the booze talking. But...
..I think I want to get fired.
Well. what about the coconuts?
Coconuts are over. Hobie.
I'm the loser. Marge wins.
And that's what
really pisses me off.
Come over here.
Stop it.
Guys! Take it easy over there.
I'm trying to concentrate.
Kyle. Tammy. Quit it! It's not funny.
Sasquatch.
Oh. Dammit!
This is Ranger Cal Robertson.
I know it's you.
you pot-smoking teenagers.
banging on those bongo drums.
Shut the hell up and go to sleep!
Thank you.
Don't make me come out there.
you little pissants!
I will use whatever force is necessary
to keep the peace.
Get up. Volunteer Cadet Hobie!
Sasquatch!
I'm getting transferred to Hanalei Bay.
Hawaii. And you're coming with.
How about it?
Yes. Sir!
OK. Then. We have 2 hours
before those test reslllts come back in.
And I'll be damned
if we don't go out there
and prove we've the best damned
rangers in the US Park Service.
Now. Let's go get that bear.
Or Big Foot.
OK. whatever it is that's causing
a ruckus out there. Let's go deal with it.
On your feet. Ranger!
Yes. Sir!
But first we're gonna deal with
those nocturnal pot-smoking.
drum-banging. Punk-ass teenagers.
That's a lot of cheese puffs.
Told those kids
not to store food in the tent.
I've never seen a bear attack before.
It's horrible.
Yeah. It ain't pretty.
Still. no partially eaten remains
scattered around the immediate area
of the attack site. So that's a good sign.
Kids must have run off.
Still. It looks like one of 'em's hurt.
What do we do now?
Now we make that bear sorry
he ever stepped foot in our park.
I wish
bears were nice. Like Yogi.
OK. I can see...
I can see you're...
you're referring to a cartoon.
Now. This is gonna be a real bear.
a real bear which will kill you...
Whoa!
Whoa. whoa. whoa. Cease fire!
What was it?
Well. First of all. It's a chipmunk.
Second of all. He's dead.
Those the drums you heard?
Yeah. That's really freaky.
Oh. My gosh.
Oh. My gosh!
It's those damn kids!
Alright. You little punks.
You had your fun.
You trashed your own camp.
faked a bear attack. Congratlllations.
Oh. My God!
Run!
Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go!
Some maniacs murdered
those poor pot-smoking kids!
I mean. who would do
such a thing?
It wasn't Big Foot!
Don't be ridiclllous.
Big Foots don't use bows and arrows.
We gotta evacuate the rest of the park
before someone else gets killed.
What about Marge? She's lead ranger!
She is not lead ranger. Hobie!
We are both GS-9s. OK?
You and I are gonna handle this.
You and me!
You take the west fork on the ATV.
I'm gonna clear out the east.
Get the main gate shut down.
head back to Marvin's.
Hey! Take this just in case.
I'm sorry! I'm going! I'm sorry!
Go. Go. Go!
Attention. Park patrons.
Please remain calm. But there is
a horde of bloodthirsty murderers
heading your way.
Please leave everything...leave
your belongings and...and r...go away.
Leave far. Far away.
Hey. Girls.
If you happen to run into what
looks like an apelike man. A Big Foot.
a sasquatch or serial clllt rapist.
please run for your lives.
'cause he killed a really cute teenager
who was using illegal drugs.
but she probably
was a good person still.
I. Uh. Think you may have
missed a spot. Uh... Uh... Yeah.
Just a little bit right there. Yeah.
Here?
You never can be too careflll.
You know. Skin cancer. It's a real killer.
So. Uh...
Also. There's been
a brutal dismemberment in the park
of at least one patron.
possibly four.
What?!
Technically. It's more of a decapitation.
So. Uh. I'm afraid we're gonna
have to evacuate the park.
Oh. My gosh!
Why don't you toss your tushes
in the jeep and follow me out of here?
1 0-. 1 0-. Cadet Hobie approaching
with an all clear.
I repeat. An all clear.
That's all clear.
Everybody left the camp in a hurry.
Everyone's gone.
Are you sure we're not missing anyone?
Yep. Pretty sure.
The western campers?
Check.
The camp toilets?
Uh. Check.
You got the golf course?
Hey. Walter.
Hey! Jackass!
Get off the fairway!
Don't worry - I'm sure those rich
papa's-boy corporate-monkey assholes
are fine. OK?
Look. There's no reason
to be alarmed.
When the time comes to be alarmed.
we'll be alarmed. Now's not the time.
OK.
They'll be fine on the golf course. OK?
They've got their clubs
to protect them.
We failed them.
Well. Let's not get carried away.
They probably just left in a hurry
when they saw everyone else leaving.
Come on. Let's go.
A golfer lay here.
And another.
He crawled.
Hobie. Buddy.
We really got to...get...
Please tell me you're not LARPing.
The others fied.
And they were followed.
Hey! Looks like one of 'em
lost a shoe.
These tracks
lead away from the battle.
Oh! Oh!
Oh!
202 to 205. Over.
Ah!
205 here.
What the hell have
you two ickw as one now?
Why i you
evacuate my park. You. . .
. Morons?
It's not your park. Marge. And. Uh...
I. Uh...
What?
We have a. Uh...
a...a situation here. Marge.
What are you blathering about? liot!
Are you high again?
No! And I'm not blathering. OK?
We. Im...
Look. Just sit tight in the station
and we'll be there soon.
l swear to Go. Robertson. L'm gonna. . .
205 out.
We have to do it. You know.
Do what?
We have to rescue Marge.
Yeah. well. Let's get Marv first. OK?
She can wait.
What now? More tracks?
So?
What is that?
This tooth did not come
from a human. Look at it.
I'd rather not. Thanks.
I think I have an idea
what we're dealing with here.
Let me guess. Big Feet?
Think you'd better not tell me.
Marvin?
Marv?
Marvin. You in there?
Marvin?
I found him.
Should we put him
in the truck?
Marge! Thank God!
Never thought I'd say that.
These damn things are all over my park!
It's not just your park!
Is the rest of the store clear?
What?! Yeah.
Good! Then what I want you to do...
Idiots...
Hobie!
It's an orc!
No. It's not. There's no such thing.
But it's right here!
Where did it come from?
How did it get here?
I don't know. And I don't care. Let's just
get the hell out of the park. Hobie! Now!
We need to call the National Guard.
We just need to get to a payphone and...
Oh. Hell no!
Isn't this the only road out of the park?
Yep.
So. How are we gonna get out?!
I'm working on it!
Well. You need to go faster!
Go! Go! Go!
Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go!
Go. Go. Go. Go. Go!
Take the wheel!
Yeah! Yeah!
Hobie. Look out!
You did it! Yeah!
Are you OK. Buddy?
I think so.
I got you. Come on.
Here you go. Come on.
Come on. Come on. Let's go! Go. Go!
What... What are you doing?
You OK?
My ankle. I think I sprained it.
That's just great.
Can you get off me now?
Come on. Let's go.
Will you marry me?
What the hell are you doing here?
You're welcome?
OK. Thank you.
What the hell
are you doing here?
I was going to the uranium mine
when I ran into one of these things.
What'd you do?
I killed him. And I took this.
What were you doing
at the uranium mine?
Something you would never do.
Taking responsibility.
Oh!
Wow. Responsibility.
That's...that's right.
That's your fancy word for 'terrorism'.
Wow. You are so unbelievable.
You know what?
Let's talk about this another time. OK?
We are 20 miles outside of town.
We got to get going.
He can't walk 20 miles! Look at him.
Sure he can. He's tough.
Right. Hobart?
I'm fine.
Don't be ridiclllous!
Your ranger station's not far from here.
We can hole up there.
then llse a radio to call for help.
We got to get out of here!
There's at least a dozen of these things.
Maybe more. For all we know.
The station's only a mile away.
It's the safest place here.
If we start walking...
..we don't stand a chance.
Hobie can't run.
I'll go on foot
and I'll bring back help.
20 miles?! A man in your shape?
It'd take two days.
Besides. Hobie and I need to go
to the ranger station anyway.
You have weapons there. Don't you?
Marge says she has an Uzi. 9mm.
Yeah. Yeah. That could work. Yeah.
Dammit!
What?
The key.
OK. You stand guard out here.
Hobie and I'll be back in a minute
with the key.
You sure you two
can manage in there by yourself?
You know. She thinks she's some kind
of Amazon warrior with that bow.
Like we can't take care of ourselves.
Hey. we're trained professionals.
Well. I'm a trained professional.
You're just a volunteer.
She did save us.
Let's just get this over with. OK?
Sure she has the key on her?
Yep.
From her cold. Dead fingers.
Wish it was that easy.
Maybe it's...maybe
it's in her shirt pockets.
Oh. That's it! That's it. I can't do this.
Maybe it's in her bra.
That's where my stepmom
keeps her cell phone.
Ah! Ah!
Oh.
Ah!
Bingo.
Keep it safe.
Oh. That's not...
Hobie!
Do something!
OK. I'll go get Katie!
No. You do something!
Ah!
Oh. Get it off me.
get it off me!
Let's not tell Katie about this.
You OK?
Thank you.
What happened to you?
What?
Well. I had to kill one
to get the key.
Let's go.
So. Katie. what all do you know
about orcs?
What?
Don't use that word.
Well. That's what they are.
I figure maybe they're
a government experiment gone wrong.
Ah. Yes. The government!
Now. That's a surprise.
Humanlchimpanzee hybrids.
Like Stalin's humanlape hybrid program
in the late 1920s.
They really did that?
Don't encourage her.
Or. Like. A wormhole. See?
They probably transported here from...
Oh. Unless...
Maybe they've been in the mountain
the whole time.
What do you think. Cal?
I think you're both idiots.
Now. Shut up about it and stay alert.
Ah!
I told you one of the golfers
made it off the course.
Get off the road!
Holy crap! There's hundreds of 'em.
Where are they going?
Away from the station.
That's all that matters.
Leave it off.
Calling all units. This is National Park
Unit 238. Please respond. Over.
This is Captain John Morrison.
I read you. Over.
We have an emergency situation.
There are three of us trapped
at Balancing Rock National Park.
We need help immediately. Over.
Unfortunately.
the National Guard has their hans full.
You're breaking up.
Please repeat. Over.
Cal.
You should look at this.
Hello?
.pouring out of the uranium
mine at the centre of the affecte region.
The National Guar has been. . .
Turn it up.
An armoure ivision has arrive
on the scene that shoul turn the tie
of the battle in our favour!
Well. I knew this was a terrible idea.
No-one's coming to save us.
I need to write this down.
My notebook!
I had it at Marvin's!
We need to go back and get it!
Forget about your stupid book. We got
bigger things to worry about right now.
Everything I learned about the orcs
is in there.
Yeah. Yeah. Big loss.
Just give me the key to the gun safe
so we can at least defend ourselves.
I don't have the key.
What?
I'm sure you have it.
It's gone.
It must have fallen out
when I dropped my notebook.
That's just great.
I've had enough of this.
I'm sorry.
Where are you going?
Where I should have gone
in the first place. Out of the park.
You could come with me.
What about Hobie?
We can't just leave him here alone.
We could bring back help.
That could be days!
You're unbelievable.
What are you talking about?
This is the only chance we've got!
I'm going out there to save us all.
By saving yourself first?
I don't have to justify any of this.
Just take care of Hobie.
I'll be back as soon as I can.
Don't bother. You just worry about
yourself. 'cause that's what you do best.
OK.
Great.
What are we gonna do now?
We'll just...sit tight and...
..stay alert.
Until Cal comes with the help.
Sure.
Great. I'm selfish.
Where are you? I'm out here
saving your ass. In the dark. By myself.
You know? Where are you?
So you really don't think
he's gonna come back?
No.
He only cares about himself.
It's Dan. The pee cup man.
What happened to you?
Something attacked my car last night.
I managed to get away.
I spent the whole day in the forest.
I crawled here on my hands and knees.
There's monsters everywhere!
Everything's gonna be fine.
It might not be fine.
Not without those guns.
At least not till Cal gets back.
We don't need him. Hobie.
We can do this.
Now. Go get me a paperclip.
You look like you've done this before.
A few times.
Isn't she awesome?
She certainly is.
Why'd you come back?
Fair enough.
I found Hobie's notebook.
Hobie. Study your notes.
Let us know what you find out.
Thanks. Cal.
I knew you'd be back.
I know you did. Buddy.
God bless those crazy NRA libertarians
and their weapons of mass destruction.
I call the Uzi.
I'm sorry.
For what?
For leaving.
It's OK.
You came back.
No. I mean.
before all this stuff happened.
I mean...us.
In fact. I wanted to tell you...
I think I've found something.
Something genius?
I think so. Look at this.
Do these look familiar?
Yeah. I see 'em every day.
No! Look at the symbols.
That's them alright.
They fought these things
2.000 years ago.
If those Stone-Aged knuckle-draggers
could beat them. So can we. Right?
The tribe that painted these things
vanished.
No-one knows what happened.
Till now.
Oh. That's just great!
But look at this!
They don't like the light.
Oh-ho! Well done. Hobie.
We've got search-and-rescue lights
in storage.
Let's make these...
..orcs sorry they ever messed with
the US Park Service.
Alright. There you go. Got it? OK.
OK.
OK. Here we go. Last one.
There you go.
OK.
Head down there.
Oh!
What the hell?
Turn it off!
I'm trying!
Cal!
Cal. Get in here!
Orcs!
Well... We didn't get
all dressed up for nothing.
Get back to your stations.
D-man. You just drew the short straw.
Hey. Don't turn it on until I say so.
See anything? Over.
l think l see something.
There's movement in the trees
to the north.
Oh. Yeah.
Think I prefer the drums.
This doesn't look good.
Hold fire!
Now. now!
Hobie. You crazy genius.
They're going away.
They're leaving!
Is that all they got?
Easy. Tiger.
There's movement.
Here they come.
Die! Die!
One got past me!
My briefcase.
I wanted you to have this.
Don't drink it all at once.
I won't.
Help me block the door.
OK. Bring it. Right to the door. Good.
OK. Push it against the wall. Tight.
Right. OK. Good.
On the top. OK. Shove it in.
OK. Good. OK. Push it.
Bring me that over there.
This one there. OK. Good. Alright.
What else we got?
OK. Good. Push under there. OK.
Up the top. OK.
OK. Let's get back to our posts.
Hobie. You're in the back office.
Katie. You're with me.
They're coming.
I know.
Wait.
Rangers for Balancing Rock.
Rangers...
Let's not do this.
Uh-uh.
Those drums
are really pissing me off.
OK. See how they like this.
L'm just a fool
Ain't love gran?
Lt's all a matter of supply an. . . .
Here they come.
. . Eman
Wanting to be with you
han in han
Just one thing l can't unerstan
You got lots of buyers but just one item
Line 'em up
l guess l gotta fight 'em
How much you asking?
l'll top any price
Maybe l'll win
with a rop of the ice
There's only one of you
to go aroun
L sai. There's not enough of you
to go aroun. . . .
Stay with me. Kis.
Here we go.
How much you asking? .
Cal. I seriously need you back here.
I'm not kidding!
CAL!
Can you manage?
I'm good! Go!
There's not enough of you
No. no
There's not enough of you. Baby
To go around. . . .
Something new!
They're coming for the oor!
No. There's not enough of you
There's only one of you
Just me an you. . . .
Stop that thing!
Gonna start something new. .
Katie. How many of those
dynamite arrows do you have left?
Just one.
Use it on that big bastard.
Maybe that'll stop 'em.
Yes!
Oh. Crap.
Oh. Crap.
Take him down!
Get down!
How's he doing?
Tell me again
about the coconuts. Cal.
Well. we're gonna have pineapples
and coconuts behind the station.
And. Uh...
..the local girls will use them
to make pina coladas.
And. Uh. They'll do...
dances for us
in their hllla skirts.
their coconut bikinis.
And everyone will call us kings
because...
Hey! Don't you dare
die on me. Hobie!
I'm going to Hanalei Bay.
And you're coming with me.
OK?
Into the crawl space! Hurry!
Come on!
Come on!
Are you OK?
Keep going!
Katie. In case we don't
get out of this alive. I love you.
Thanks! That's great.
Bad timing. Though.
You guys head off into the forest.
What about you?
I got three bullets left.
I'm gonna hold 'em off
as long as I can.
I'll catch up.
OK. OK. Go.
Get the hell out of here!
Here! Here you go.
Cal?
Cal?
Cal. Look out!
Hey!
Stay the hell out of my park.
And the descendants of those species
who made the difficlllt journey
to these geographically isolated islands
have evolved into the impressive array
of unique Hawaiian native species
we see around us today.
So thank you all for coming on the tour.
ladies and gentlemen.
Hope you enjoy
the rest of your stay here
in beautifull
Hanalei Bay National Park.
Are you Ranger Robertson.
who slew the orc leader
from the Battle of Balancing Rock?
I'll let my colleague. Ranger Hobart.
take it from here.
Now. I'm sure you're all very excited
to speak about the orcs.
but before we do that.
I'd like to enlighten all you folks
about the mythical legend
of the Menehune.
Walk with me as we talk.
Now. These people...
Follow me. Folks.
These mystical creatures
are only two feet tall and very shy.
You scare off those
asshole golf course developers yet?
I'm working on it.
Well. Good for you.
So how's it feel
to be a ranger in paradise?
It's like you - perfect.