Our Ladies (2019) Movie Script

Our story is older
than these hills and glens.
It was springtime,
and we had one thing on our minds:
But it was more innocent then...
Before social media and mobile phones
changed everything forever.
One, two, one, two, three, four.
You piss on my natural emotions
you make me feel I'm dirt and I'm hurt
and if! Start a commotion
I run the risk of losing you
and that's worse
ever fallen in love with someone?
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone?
Ever fallen in love?
And lose your mind
when you've fallen in love?
Remember to take your pills, orla.
Aye, mom. I'm just saying a wee prayer.
Forgive me, lord,
for being a lying wee cow.
Please, can we have a brilliant day?
It would be nice if there was no arguing,
for instance.
Also, I need to find
a pair of boots today.
You know the type.
As usual,
a wee shag would be very welcome,
because unlike your mother,
I don't want to be a virgin all my life.
Actually, do that
and you can skip the other stuff.
Oh, my god.
You are fucking brilliant.
- Good morning, Mrs. Mckenn.
- Good morning, orla.
Ever fallen in love with someone?
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone?
Ever fallen in love?
And lose your mind
when you've fallen in love?
Wait until the song's finished, malkie.
- Manda, let me in.
- Aye, hold on.
- Manda.
- All right, I'm coming.
What took you so long, manda?
Run that tap for me.
Manda, is it today
your school choir's singing?
That's right, Elsie.
We're all off to Edinburgh.
There's a submarine.
Well, hello, it's gonna be seafood
on the menu tonight.
Awful doxy town, that Edinburgh.
Aye, well, we're hoping so, Mrs. Shaw.
- Hi, orla.
- Hi, catriona.
- Come on. Bye, catriona.
- Bye, catriona.
- You okay, Elsie?
- What was that?
I said, you okay?
- A submarine, aye. It's at loch.
- I've been tempted.
It just came right out. Sailors are in.
- They're just men.
- 80? Quickly.
Bosco. Bosco!
Fuck you, bosco.
Yuck! Bosco licked all the way up.
You gotta take your thrills
where you can, manda.
Ever fallen in love with someone
you shouldn't have fallen in love with?
That fucking rocked.
Hey, Kylah?
Got a light, chell?
The song's finished.
Put him down, chell.
We've gotta get moving,
or we'll miss the bus.
Chell, there's a submarine in.
Brilliant. The mantrap
will be full of sailors tonight.
- All desperate to get shagged.
- Sounds like the mantrap on any night.
What do you girls want sailors for
when you can have me?
Aye, it's seamen we're after,
not semen stains.
How we've grown.
Orla, my little pixie.
Good to have you back among my adorers.
Hiya, Dickie.
Kylah, don't forget them cds.
Have you got that list?
Aye, relax, Dickie.
Are we back to
the jizz in your sock drawer?
Here's another thing.
My big sister, catriona, says submariners
are the horniest lot in the whole Navy.
- Aye, how come?
- Wanking.
They're all half daft
from the constant wanking.
I'm half daft with it too.
Honestly, I hadn't heard that.
Is Dickie not just the biggest shag?
- He's beneath you, orla.
- My position of choice.
Okay, so I filled it up, right?
Two-thirds coke, one-third vodka.
Finnoula, there's a submarine in.
Aye, saw it.
Aye, I'm not bothered either.
Just means the mantrap
will be full of sailors tonight.
That new bouncer
might not let us in anyway.
Him with the medallions?
No, he's from the island.
He can only tell the ages of sheep.
Aye, from behind.
Princess Diana alert.
Set phasers to Gucci.
- Morning, girls.
- Morning, Kay.
See any shaggable sailors in town, Kay?
Sailors don't always get shore leave,
you know.
Sometimes just come in for repairs.
Aye, well, they can come in to me
for repairs.
No chance of rural depopulation
with our ladies high about.
See, I heard if submariners get a cut,
it won't stop bleeding,
because of the air down there.
Aye, hemophilia. We heard it in biology.
What, so if they spunk,
it would just keep coming?
Aye, apparently.
I had a dream like that once.
Martin Luther King moment.
No, a guy was getting a handjob off me,
and it started coming,
and it wouldn't stop
until it filled up my entire bedroom.
I just knew my mother was gonna find out.
I think I'll consult
my freudian dictionary.
Under what, I don't know.
Try "wanker."
Oh, fuck, condom.
The choir, please.
I need to see the choir, please,
gather around.
The rest of you, off to class.
Good morning, girls.
Good morning, sister condron.
I have a surprise.
It appears our trip to Edinburgh today
has been deemed newsworthy enough
for the fort William argus
to send a reporter.
The very one responsible
for the article about our own wee miracle,
orla Johnson.
Okay, a quick rehearsal.
"Le marija," I think.
Come on, form a chevron.
Bridgette, guitar.
Kylah, up front.
Yes, come on, come on.
Don't slouch, Kylah.
With the voice of an angel,
you needn't stand like a sinner.
Okay, bridgette, when you're ready, love.
Right. Now, picture it.
The sugar fields.
The shirtless workers.
It's humid.
Steamy, it's... it's...
Oh, Mr. Menti.
Welcome. Carry on, girls.
How come nuns are such ballbags?
Low wages and no sex,
you'd be a ballbag as well.
Look, Michelle.
Hey, where you heading?
On my way up the hospital.
Is that an engagement ring?
Nah, it's for the dads up the prenatal.
They keep coming on to me. So...
I just say I'm engaged,
and my fiance's really big.
Let's see it, then.
There you go.
Coming to a pram near you in march.
Heard you got better, orla.
How was the medical trip to lourdes?
No lamplight, girls.
Didn't get off with a single guy.
It's not an it, Amanda, it's a person.
All right, and you're a doctor's daughter,
not a fucking doctor.
So is it Edinburgh today, girls?
Aye, today's just a test run for Greece.
- What about the competition?
- Fuck that.
It's more like hello, Edinburgh,
open your legs.
- Going on a massive pub crawl.
- Check out the shops.
- It's gonna be brilliant.
- We're gonna go mental.
Sounds great. I wish I could come.
Come to the mantrap tonight.
We'll be back in time for the sailors.
No, I'm broke.
The single mother's allowance
is a total joke.
I'll pay your way, Michelle.
No, I can't do that, Kay.
Come on. It's not that much money.
Oh, shit. There's the old bag.
- See you, Michelle.
- Bye.
Remember the school motto, girls.
"Bottoms up.
Knickers down."
All right, girls, come along.
So some of you are going to Edinburgh
for the first time today.
It's a beautiful city. Very exciting.
But I must warn you.
It is also a place of sinful wickedness.
There are men there
that would use and discard girls like you
with barely a second thought.
You will carry yourselves
with grace today.
Yes, finnoula?
So when you say "use and discard,"
sister, how do you mean?
Let's make it a day to remember, girls.
Sing for all you're worth,
and let's win that shield.
After three I want the biggest smile ever,
One, two, three.
- I think that's gone...
- Who, posh spice?
Okay, who will orla shag tonight?
Pick a number five to eight.
Lucky number seven.
Dickie Dickinson!
Sorry, no Leonardo.
Aye, not the hoff either.
Get it right, you don't shag the hoff.
You pump him.
In slow motion.
While you're running down the beach.
Oh, I don't care who it is.
But I'll tell you what, I know how.
I want to get shagged tied to a tree.
A tree?
Aye. I want to feel abandoned.
What, like Michelle?
Oh, not that kind of abandoned.
So it's, like, the bondage, then.
"The bondage"?
Great use of the definite article there.
All right, finnoula.
Not everybody got a need for English.
Obviously not.
I know what the bondage is.
My big sister, catriona,
showed me it in a nudie mag once.
The bondage.
The James bondage.
All of you can fuck off.
Manda and fin. Fin and manda.
They're like an advert
for best pals sometimes.
They did everything together.
Back in the days
when we used to believe in god...
Whenever finnoula was the virgin Mary,
and she was Mary a lot...
Manda was always her Joseph.
Like a faithful three-legged dog
in some country song.
That's cute.
Look, look.
Kay, distribute these.
One each, no exceptions.
What if they don't want them?
You're head girl.
You have the authority, use it.
- Watch out.
- Chel | , you're magic.
- Okay, pick for me.
- She cheats all the time.
And then I'll pick from...
- Orla.
- You have to keep taking them.
Orla, fuck's sake.
How's the band going, Kylah?
I heard your tape was just amazing.
Are you gonna make a cd?
Here we go,
fucking young businesswoman of the year.
Are you lost, Kay?
This is the party end of the bus.
Are you lot going shopping in Edinburgh?
Aye, I'm getting thigh-high boots.
"Shag me on a tree" boots.
- How much do you have to spend?
- What's it to you?
I was only gonna suggest some shops.
We can't afford your kind of shops.
Oh, don't worry.
I'll pay you in, finnoula.
I was only offering to help.
Well, unless you know who the daddy is,
you can't.
She's already been fucked.
Only took a moment, I believe.
Think of her
when you're off at university, Kay.
She'll be the one stuck between her mom
and dad on the sofa watching telly.
I'm sure she'll be grateful.
You think that's a wonderbra?
No, it's not.
The university boys are gonna love her.
- What's wrong, Kay?
- Just superbitch finnoula macconnell.
Oh, here we go.
This is us, the pill box.
"All-day northern soul and karaoke,
attracts an eccentric clientele."
Yeah, that means the place
is full of old people and weirdos.
But, come on, northern soul karaoke.
I know all them songs from my dad.
It'll be great. Who's up for it?
Maybe, I don't know.
Oh, come on, you whores.
Are youse up for it?
- Aye, all right, Kylah.
- All right.
Oh, my god.
- Oh, check it out.
- Wave, wave.
In all my...
In all my years,
I have never encountered the beauty
that lies in your young throats.
Dickie Dickinson's very words.
Amanda tassy.
Just saying I'm really hungry, sister.
Can we eat now, sister?
Yes, of course, orla.
You will all assemble back here
at precisely 5:00.
Ties will be kept on at all times today.
- They'll be fully done up.
- Guys, come here. Come here.
- I will not accept any loose knots.
- Look.
Why are you all at that window?
- There's two people, sister.
- What about them?
- She's seen us.
- They've got no clothes on, sister.
Get away from that window. Right away.
Amanda tassy, get back.
Orla, get back there. Go.
Did you see that fucking wee whore?
- Fucking doxy wee whore.
- Fuck. And she knew we were watching.
If Edinburgh girls are like that,
no chance of me scoring this afternoon.
Have a look.
Can I please have a double cheeseburger
with a large...
What are you getting?
"Can I get a large?"
Next time we do this, we'll have
our tits out on a beach in Greece.
You've got to close your mouth
to kill the flame, and then swallow.
Is that your technique with Dickie?
Fuck's sake.
- What's the problem?
- No problem.
- It's a joke.
- I know, just wasn't funny.
Oi, oi, no arguing, okay?
Soon enough there'll be no more choir,
no more our ladies, no more sister condom.
Cheers to that.
Excuse me.
The manageress was asking if you mind not
doing that "lighting up the drinks" thing.
She's concerned you'll burn yourselves.
Would you shag him?
Wouldn't kick him out of bed.
Unless you wanted to do him on the floor.
I'm just telling you
what the manageress said.
- Do you think he'd shag us?
- He'd be lucky to shag us.
He'd be desperate to shag us.
Look, we never asked you for ID, did we?
Is he saying we're underage?
Look, mister, we paid for these drinks.
So we'll suck them up our arseholes,
if we want to.
We'll need five straws for that.
- Right, go in a wee bit?
- All right.
What are you doing?
All right. Where next?
I've gotta get cds for the band.
I've got to get my boots.
I might just go for a wee wander.
I thought the idea
was to hang out together?
Am I not allowed a minute to myself?
Let's meet up
at that pill box place in, what...
Two hours?
Okay. Bye.
Do I smell or something?
Maybe the wee whore's got a date.
Anyway, I'll come with you, Kylah.
Aye, she'll be all right. Come on, manda.
Oh, is Dickie kidding me?
I'm not buying that.
Fuck's sake.
He's got taste like a toxic spill.
If I wasn't sure about leaving the band,
I am now, because this is disgraceful.
You're leaving the band?
They came up with a name.
Thunder pop.
Thunder pop?
Yeah, exactly.
I'd shag young Stephen Hawking before
I'd sing in a band called thunder pop.
Anyway, I'm off.
Fucking thunder pop.
Will you come and phone them with me?
What about these?
I love the buckles on that.
They're dead sexy.
- Got a problem?
- No.
Steady on, manda, he was cute.
Pace yourself.
They'll be like dogs outside the butcher's
if we start hitting them boys now.
I'm not finnoula,
you know how slow I am at coming forward.
I'm getting right cheesed off
at finnoula these days.
You two not getting on, then?
No. I don't even know anymore.
I swear she does things
just to be different.
If I says black, she'll say white.
She's still your best friend.
I'm not sure.
Jesus. Listen to us.
We sound like we're on ricki fucking lake.
Anything else I can show you?
Aye. How about fucking civility?
- What?
- My mate's not a junkie, right?
She's had leukemia. Stop laughing at her.
- What can I get you?
- Sambuca, please.
- That'll be 2 pound, please.
- Thanks.
Kay? What are you doing here?
I had to use the toilet. I was passing.
Oh, same here. I was just passing.
Look at you, all dressed up.
Look at you, all alone. For once.
Do you want a drink?
Sure. Gin and tonic?
A stiff one, please.
Careful, doctor. Asking for a stiff one.
How come you're all dressed, anyway?
Just to see a room
for when I come to university.
It was shite.
That's the first time
I've heard you swear.
I protest.
No fucking bother.
- Fuck right off, you wanker.
- Steady on.
Why don't you like me, finnoula?
Asked the attractive,
university-bound head girl.
Come on, you could get into uni.
You're really clever.
I fucking know I could.
But anyway,
just got different opportunities in life.
What do you really know about me?
Well, I know that you lounge about
your big house on pulpit hill,
banging away at your violin.
- Cello.
- Cello.
I expect it'll be backpacking
the galapagos
with dad's credit card.
You have no idea.
Anyway, manda's the real head girl.
She give more of it to bouncers
than anyone else.
Do you always make jokes to hide behind?
Is it just me, or does there seem
an above-average number of lesbians here?
Do you see that over there?
The castleview sauna.
- Do you know what that is?
- Steam house?
Nope. That's a whore house.
- Never.
- Aye. They're everywhere.
My big sister, catriona,
saw them when she was down at the rugby.
Whore houses called saunas.
But how?
There's a police station right opposite.
One-nil to the prostitutes, eh?
It's Kylah, Mrs. Dickinson.
Aye, is he there?
The lead axman in thunder pop.
Yeah, it's me, Dickie.
Look, I need to tell you something.
I'm leaving the band.
No. No, I'm really sorry.
No, it's got nothing to do
with the guitar solo.
No, it's got nothing to do
with dedication.
Let me tell you, the name didn't help.
What he's saying?
It's chell.
Saying I'm a coward
for doing it while I'm down here.
"Will I still get my cds?"
And you're a dirty tinker.
Now, che/I...
She lived out on the island.
And some folk call her family tinkers.
But really, they were just poor.
And then chell's daddy drowned at sea.
He went down on the highland lady.
Never even made jokes about that.
Chell went daft for a while.
And folk called her a dirty tinker.
But I always thought
she was just looking for her daddy.
- Anyhow...
- Give me.
The one thing you didn't call her
was a tinker.
I am not a tinker.
You skanky fucking arse wipe.
- Come here and say that to my face...
- All right!
No, Dickie, it's me.
Well, that's got nothing to do
with anything.
I'll tell you why not,
because I shagged
the rest of the band as well.
The whole band?
You know boys.
Suck them off once and they go back to
dreaming about that bird from mazzy star.
Who can't sing, by the way.
At least with you, they'd be getting it
from someone with a good voice.
So, what now?
Let's spend his fucking money.
Do you think
I should take my braces out later?
Only if you're thinking
of going down on somebody.
Maybe the bouncer at the mantrap tonight.
Oh, god, there is such a fuss made
about boys spunking.
What's it actually like?
Like swallowing phlegm.
But everybody's swallowed phlegm.
It's really warm
when it comes out of them.
- Warm?
- Aye. Hot, sometimes.
I saw it steaming once.
Out back of the mantrap.
You gotta hold onto your hair
'cause it makes a right mess.
Oh, well, I should be all right, then.
- Here. You'll like this one.
- Right.
So, Christmas, right?
My big sister, catriona,
gets me face cream
in one of those squishy dispensers, right?
Now, remember that issue of teen magazine,
the wanking one?
- Oh, aye. Very well-thumbed edition, that.
- Exactly.
"Get relaxed in a milky bath.
Make sure you won't be disturbed."
"Light some candles."
Oh, yeah, we all tried it.
So I'm sat there in my milk.
Going at it. Full commotion.
And just as I'm getting there,
I grabs the face cream
and shoot a jet right on my tits,
pretending it's Rob lowe or that.
I end up sitting there,
looking like a plasterer's radio.
Of course, I don't do any more of that.
I'm sorry about being rotten
to you on the bus.
Just seeing Michelle...
Fuck, she's pregnant.
That's her whole life away,
and she's only a kid.
Finnoula, it's not
like she died or anything.
She might as well have.
That town's a bloody graveyard for us.
Come on, what about Kylah?
With that voice, she could go anywhere.
Do you know she's going? Woolworths.
She's got a job at the music counter
so she can get discount cds.
She thinks that's a fucking career.
That'd be sad.
Manda's worse. I mean, I love her, but...
Do you know,
she only goes for guys with a job?
Like, somebody up the forestry
or hydro plant.
Do you know why?
Because she's got it planned.
Pregnant as soon as possible
to a guy with a job.
And a house up the complex with sky TV
and a wee boy with a mullet
and an earring called Shane.
I mean, she is my oldest pal, but...
Terrifies me I'll end up like her.
Thank you, Dickie.
I wanted the purple one,
but there was none left.
- Have you?
- Yeah.
Thank you.
Sorry, ladies,
but you can't eat those in here.
What is it with the waiters in this town?
Do you have a cock...
Tail list?
Surely, ladies.
And do you have a liquidizer
you put your cock...
Tails in?
Stick these in with some Coca-Cola
and southern comfort.
Aye, Kylah had the voice.
We all knew that.
But she was devious too.
Like, how she got that job in woolies.
First she got pally with the Lassie
that worked there.
Just watching for her chance and stuff.
Turns out the Lassie wasn't catholic.
So she wasn't clued up
about sex and things.
So Kylah taught her how to get boys
like a catholic girl.
Aye, defo suck them off.
No, fuck using a condom.
Aye, they love it when you swallow.
The plan goes brilliant.
She's pregnant in double time.
And Kylah's there, all innocent.
And saying...
Who's gonna take over
when you're on maternity leave?
Fresh meat. Three o'clock.
Three o'clock.
Fuck those bouncers. Right.
Let me do the talking, yeah?
Bet he wants a snog.
You're doing it.
Hell of a job finding this place.
That a fact? Check your bags, ladies?
- What for?
- Weapons.
Do we need weapons?
What's this? School uniforms.
Just been auditioning.
We're lap dancers.
You should come and see us sometime.
- So where are you girls from?
- Fort William.
But we live in Edinburgh now.
And there's more of us coming.
It's my mate's let.
Oh, aye? What age are you two?
- I'm 19. And orla is nearly...
- Nearly what? Twelve?
I'm older than I look. I've not been well.
Are you gonna let us in, then?
You lassies don't know about
the temptations of the big city.
Aye. We've memorized them.
Oh you go.
In the name of god.
I've got a love reputation
known all over this world
come on.
I'm a hijacker, flame-cracker
I 'ii steal your man, little girl
hey, you there.
Can't help that I know how to love
mama says it's in my blood
a love reputation
known all over this world
We need some assistance, officer.
We're lost.
Philosophically or spiritually?
Where is it we're trying to get to?
It's called the pill...
No, it's... it's near a place called
the pill box. Suffolk street?
Five hundred yards to the light,
take a left, first right,
and that's you, near the pill box.
The problem is, constable...
- Sergeant, actually.
- Sergeant.
The problem is, my friend's hurt her foot.
We were wondering, could we get a lift?
In your police car.
I think you'll find the sign outside says
"police," not "taxi."
Are you aware how dangerous it is
for young girls out there?
I'm aware it's 2:00 in the afternoon.
Have you seen the clothes we're wearing?
Not a police matter.
Though, perhaps, it should be.
Come on, Kylah.
We'll take our chances out there.
The pill box is for 18s and over.
Just saying.
- You are mental.
- He was an arse.
The police at home give me lifts
all the time.
Well, we're still lost.
Let's ask in this sauna.
See if I can use the toilet.
I'm telling you, baby
you will never find another girl
in this heart of mine
deep in my heart
look into my eyes
can't you see they're open wide?
Would I lie to you, baby?
Would I lie to you?
Don't you know it's true?
Girl, there's no one else but you
would I lie to you baby, yeah
don't you know it's true?
Girl, there's no one else but you
would I lie to you baby, yeah
come on...
He's good, this one.
Kiss me, baby
Hey there.
Hay is for horses.
You are gorgeous. You fancy a duet?
I know what kind of duet
you've got in mind.
Oh, a feisty one, eh?
I got a ripper for you.
It's Eddie money.
I put my soul where my feet are.
And your mouth, I presume.
Off those seats.
Our friends will be here any minute.
Oh, fantastic. The more, the merrier.
What's this? Champagne. You celebrating?
We will be, when you fuck off.
You'll be pausal for choir.
Right. I'll away and get my pal.
He's just divorced, so be gentle.
Save all the rough stuff for me, yeah?
Heya. Versace.
Jesus, you need a guide dog
to find this place.
Oh, we'd still be looking,
it it wasn't for Danny here.
- Hello.
- Orla, Danny. Danny, orla.
- Right, where's the dj?
- Hi.
I'll get him to put on our song.
Is it true that you and manda
shagged the same guys?
- Like who?
- Dickie Dickinson.
Fort William's god of rock
was a privilege.
- Do you think I'm a slut?
- No.
I shagged him as well.
Fucking hell, Kay.
Didn't know you knew him.
I've never told anybody that.
What happened?
Don't worry, I won't tell manda anything.
It's funny you mention Amanda,
because it was at her sister's flat.
So you were just rolling around
on the sofa?
We were just snogging.
Till catriona joined in.
- In the same room?
- Same bed.
You think I'm totally disgusting now.
Oh, god. No. No, I... I don't.
Manda would, but I don't.
So did they, like, cajole you into it?
More like I coaxed them.
And did you and catriona...?
What was it like?
It was good. I think. I was really drunk.
Catriona, a fucking lesbian?
Oh, no. She's just a bit bi.
But Amanda doesn't have a clue,
please, don't tell her.
- Now you think I'm a slut.
- No. No, I don't. I'm just...
I've got to pee.
You took my heart and turned me on
and now the danger sign is on
I never thought the day would come
when I would feel alone without you...
So is it an all-girls school you go to?
Aye. A convent school with nuns and that.
We call it the "virgin mega store."
That is a riot.
Oh, aye. We're right rioters.
We've had eight pregnant
since last September.
Man, what did I tell you,
catholic fucking schoolgirls, huh?
When did you get divorced, Bobby?
Come back to our flat,
you'll soon find out. Know what I mean?
Right, ladies. What is your pleasure
in the drinks department?
'Cause I know what catholic schoolgirls
crave in other departments.
- Same again?
- Yeah.
How did you find this I I... i idiot?
Stop it. Danny's nice.
He showed us where this place was.
Right there, Danny?
So, what you think of those two?
About as much fun as a date in the morgue.
They asked us back to their place.
Think they're safe?
What, like, aids and that?
Aids is the least of your worries.
More like mad cow's disease.
- Is there a Kylah in the house?
- That's us. Come on, let's go.
Come on. We're up.
I've always wanted to try it with a girl.
I need some air.
- Right. Okay, you girls know your part...
- Yes.
Sometimes I feel I've got to
run away, I've got to
get away from the pain
you drive into the heart of me
the love we shared
seems to go nowhere
and I've lost my light
forl toss and turn
I can't sleep at night
-once Iran to you -i ran
-now I run from you -now I run
this tainted love you've given
I gave you all a girl can give you
take, not give, and that's not nearly all
tainted love tainted love
now I know I've got to
run away, I've got to
get away, you don't really want
any love from me
to make things right
you need someone to hold you tight
and you think love is to pray
well, I'm sorry, I don't pray that way
-once Iran to you -i ran
-now I run from you -now I run
this tainted love you've given
I gave you all a girl can give you
take, not give, and that's not nearly all
tainted love tainted love
-don't touch me, please -please
-I cannot stand the way you
I know you'll hurt me so
if I do not pack my things and go
tainted love, oh, tainted love
tainted love tainted love
talk about a tainted love
talk about a tainted love
Congratulations, girls.
Right, ladies.
Free booze back at my place.
Let the carnage begin.
Hold on, pause.
I'm still drinking my champagne.
You were fantastic.
You girls can really sing.
- Eh, would you like to...?
- Yes.
- Can I confess something?
- Aye.
I wear glasses.
Oh, I wear braces.
I'm meant to keep them in for six months.
Why don't you put in your braces,
and I'll put on my glasses?
Aye. Okay.
I'm Stephen, with a "ph." Nov
I'm orla, with a "la."
Manda, I'm going for a walk with Stephen.
McEwan hall, 5:00.
Any mess and I'll fucking have you.
Got that?
Got that.
That whacky baccy?
You don't like weed?
Brings back bad memories.
Had it when I was in the chemo.
Chemo, aye? Hence the...?
All right. I wouldn't let you think
I look this way on purpose.
-Danny -Danny
oh, aye. Very funny.
anyways, that guy. He strikes me as weird.
- You strike me as fucking weird.
- You don't know the half yet, hen.
- Come on, Kylah.
- Watch the door, Danny.
Here, Danny.
Make yourselves at home, girls.
Excuse the mess.
- Nice telly. You get that in the divorce?
- Yeah.
Wanna see a picture of my ex-wife?
Oh, for fuck's sake,
don't get him started.
- Okay, drinks, girls?
- Aye.
Shite. Shite. Electric shite orchestra.
What do you use for ears?
- That your wedding?
- Yeah.
- She's gorgeous.
- Ailish.
Aye, she was that.
Do you wanna see my wedding video?
Honestly, it's hilarious.
Oh, not the fucking wedding video again.
Where is it?
You haven't lent it to someone?
He becomes fucking mental.
Don't encourage him, you.
All right.
Make yourselves at home, ladies.
I am gonna get changed into something
a little bit more comfortable.
Not a dry crotch in the house.
You can come and sit beside me here,
if you want, Bobby.
Check this out.
Best man had a speech impediment.
- It's brilliant.
- Fuck off.
So how was going to lourdes?
Like bingo for cripples.
Everyone gagging to win the big prize.
Did you feel the miracle when it happened?
There wasn't any miracle.
Besides, I knew I was in trouble
when I got a single room.
You only get them if you're dying.
There was a guy in the room
opposite me, though.
He was dying.
They said he'd probably
never wake up again.
I used to watch him at night,
when it was just me and him.
You must have been really scared.
I was really lonely.
You're not alone.
I'll be like you soon.
I thought I was gonna die, remember.
So I pretended he was my boyfriend
and that we were both going to be okay.
Anyway, he died.
And may god forgive me,
but I got better from that moment on.
Some fucking miracle, eh?
I reckon it's kind of beautiful.
Such a great close-up.
Jesus, not a lone Piper.
You all right, Bobby?
Are you okay in there?
I want ailish.
Have you got her number?
That's not funny!
Hey, what's going on?
He's crying,
and he's locked himself in the toilet.
Didn't think that would take long.
Come on in here, girls.
For fuck's sake.
Hey, ky, chell,
come here and have a look at this.
The three of you? Now we're talking.
- What's that black stuff?
- Octopus ink.
You rub it into your ox,
and it keeps you hard for hours.
It's easier to get than Viagra.
Fuck me.
Mission accepted, darling.
You got a license for that, mister?
Aye, a license to grope...
Oh, god! Oh, you... fucking...
Oh, it's my fault, drinking like that.
- I'm an asshole.
- It was fun, Kay.
I'm stupid. I'm really stupid.
No, you're not. You just drank too much.
I'm pregnant.
I'm pregnant by Dickie.
The night I spent with him and catriona.
Jesus, Kay.
- What did your parents say?
- They don't know.
You're the only one I've told.
I went to see about
getting an abortion today,
but it's just my parents
are such bloody catholics.
I'm so expected to go to university.
I mean, what can I do with a baby coming?
My life's a disaster.
- It's a total fucking disaster.
- Kay.
And I've been drinking and smoking today.
God, what have I done?
You've done nothing wrong.
It's just bad luck.
My dad's the doctor, but I'm just
another stupid wee pregnant Lassie.
Come here.
Are you okay in there?
Your pal was in an accident.
He's cutoff part of his toe.
He's going to the hospital.
I want ailish.
He wants ailish.
Come out and shag these lassies.
They're gagging for it.
Hey, watch your mouth, hopalong.
Put your trousers on.
I want ailish.
Oh, fuck ailish. You sad bastard,
the house is full of beautiful Fanny.
- Shut up. Shut it!
- They've got belly-button piercings.
I'm bursting for a pee.
Chell's needing to go to the toilet.
- I'm not coming out until ailish...
- Oh, Christ.
Oh, I'm gonna pee my pants.
I want ailish.
Don't suppose you fancy
coming in the front room with me.
No, you're all right. We're fine here.
Aye, good idea. Keep the action
bubbling here till I get back, huh?
Oh, you wee catholic teasers.
What a zoomer.
Let's see if he's got any food.
Oh, fuck, look at the time,
we better get moving.
- I'm gonna pee myself.
- Use the sink.
- What about the dishes?
- Not gonna wash them, are we?
Okay, close the door,
I don't want Danny coming in.
Hey, Danny. Come here quick.
No, manda. Manda...
Chell's got something
she wants to show you.
- Manda, no. Manda...
- It rhymes with "stt'issy."
Manda, no...
Well, got you here, like I promised.
So will you come up to fort William
and see me?
- Sure.
- How about tonight?
Oh, I'm... I'm working in the bar tonight.
After you finish.
The mail train will get in at half4.
I'll make it worth your while.
Hard to say no to that.
But I don't think I can afford, it's...
- Here.
- You know.
I'm not desperate. I just want to see you.
Maybe a bit desperate.
How do you know
I won'tjust spend it on weed?
I don't... I don't believe in miracles...
But I don't believe in waiting neither.
You're something else, do you know that?
- Let's get out of here.
- Where's Danny?
Where's our shopping bags?
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, no. He's knicked our fucking uniforms.
- Fuck you!
- Here.
No. No! Stop that guy, he's a thief!
Stop! He's a thief! He's a thief!
You bastard!
What the fuck are we gonna do?
Hello. Again.
- We'd like to report a theft.
- Of course, ladies.
Now, were you the victims of a theft...
Or is it something you've stolen?
I thought you said he'd help.
A man stole our school uniforms.
- Who is the man?
- Danny.
- And where did you meet Danny?
- At castleview sauna.
Chell, that place is only for men.
No way. I saw a few lassies in there.
It's a brothel, you silly cows.
So no one's seen anyone?
Does anybody know where Kay Clark went?
Our lady of perpetual succor, you're next.
Right, quick. Into line.
Just get into a line.
Hurry, hurry.
Fuck, we're going to be so late.
- Kylah, fucking hell!
- Come on!
Hey, come on!
We have to figure out our story again.
One, two...
Can I help...?
Amanda tassy?
I'm sorry, sister,
but our uniforms have been stolen.
We weren't wearing them at the time.
You have no uniforms?
These are the only suitable things
we could find.
Sorry we're late, sister.
Kay and I got lost,
and she's not feeling well.
Kylah, take off your clothes.
You have the strongest voice.
Put on Kay's uniform. Now!
Put them on!
Sorry. Here...
So speed, Bonnie boat
like a bird on the wing
over the sea to Skye
We delight to give you a very
special interpretation by our ladies
of a song by the popular American singer,
Mr. Bruce Springsteen.
We said we 'd walk together
come what may
that come the twilight
should we lose our way
if as we 're walking
a hand should slip free
I 'i/ wait for you
should I fall behind, wait for me
now, everyone dreams of
a love lasting and true
but you and I know what this world can
So let's make our steps clear
so the other may see
and I will wait for you
should I fall behind, wait for me
Do you think we'll get expelled?
- What does it matter?
- Aye, I suppose.
What time does the mail train come in?
About half 4. Why?
I've got a boy coming on it.
What makes you sure he'll come?
He'll come. I gave him money for his fare.
At least the sailors are still here.
Today was a tragedy.
Your silly, lunatic behavior
brought ruination on us all.
The culprits are sadly familiar.
But to find you, Kay...
And worse, orla...
Amongst the damned sorrows me most.
Mother superior will be given
a full account tomorrow.
And it will be costly this time.
I assure you.
Oh, shit.
We're all expelled, I'm telling you.
Well, you'll be all right, Kay.
With your dad and your university.
My dad's gonna murder me.
I wouldn't worry so much.
You'll all be fine.
If I'm getting expelled tomorrow,
fuck if I'm going down easy for them.
We should do an all-nighter.
Hit the mantrap,
find a few salty dogs to ravish,
ravish them all night,
then head straight to school
with our heads held high going,
"fucking eat this, condom."
How about it?
- Right?
- Yeah, right.
Okay, why not?
Hold on. Go where?
Mantrap shuts at 2.
My parents are away till Tuesday.
Youse can stay at my place.
Done deal, Kay.
Aye. Now, let's find some sailors
and get spunking on the shag pile.
Kay did us proud today, girls.
Took on Mexico and tequilas.
That's nothing.
Me and her ended up in a brothel.
Any sailors in there?
Aye, loads. Any ID, ladies?
Oh, we're all over 18.
Is there a problem?
- Would you move inside, please?
- They're with us.
How old are you?
She's a capricorn. I'm a Taurus.
What? Like a car?
She doesn't look 18 to me.
All right, Taurus, you look 18.
So you're in. And you.
But you and you can forget it.
We're all the same age.
Aye, try another night, capricorn.
Fuck you.
Always open to offers.
I'll ring you when I need a wanker.
Name of fuck.
Where's all the submariners?
- There's catriona.
- Where?
I'm gonna say hi.
There's her rich friends.
Hi, manda. How was Edinburgh?
We came in last.
Last? Fucking hell.
Condom will be happy, then.
Where's all the sailors?
You not hear?
One had a heart attack and died.
They were only here
to drop the body off ashore.
Should've brought it in here.
Might liven things up.
Never knew Kay
was hanging out with you lot.
She's not.
Jesus. Look at them.
Like a pair of lesbos or something.
Come on, then.
Right. In you go.
Where the fuck are all the sailors?
All tucked up in their spunky submarine.
- Let's get a drink, then.
- Aye.
Catriona's not even gonna say hello to me.
Like she's worried
what people might think of her.
But, I mean, really?
In this place?
And it shouldn't be such a big deal
for you either, you know.
What you were saying today.
So you weren't that drunk, then?
Oh, fucking hell.
Oh, don't leave me alone with him.
So that's it?
Give me a break, Dickie. Thunder pop?
Aye, it's a combo.
Thunder's my guitar, right? And...
Pop's the softness of your voice.
I honestly don't know
where to begin with you.
Okay. We'll call it thunder puppy.
Fuck off, fucking thunder puppy.
Everybody loves a puppy.
You don't get knocked back much,
do you, Dickie?
I know what that feels like.
You'll get over it.
You've always been my favorite, orla.
Do you wanna go around the back for...?
You know.
Oh, Dickie.
If only you'd asked me sooner.
I'm promised.
Two knock backs in one night, eh?
You're getting good at this.
Here we go. Slow set.
Come here.
Do you wanna dance?
Yeah. Do you know what?
- It'd be great, you and your cello.
- Yeah?
And me just wailing away
like siouxsie and the banshees.
- But without the banshees.
- Hey.
- You're a right selfish cow, you.
- What?
I've got to come here
every Saturday as well, finnoula.
You can't go doing stuff like that.
Folk will think I'm a lesbo.
It doesn't matter.
I mean, what the fuck
did you do to her today?
She was looking for a flat,
she was sick, and I found her.
That's not true.
I was visiting an abortion clinic.
I'm nine weeks pregnant.
You're pregnant?
You're pregnant.
What difference should it make?
Who got you up the spout, then?
Ask your sister. She knows.
Anyway, I think I'll head home now.
- I'll walk her up the road.
- Finnoula.
What are you doing?
Please. I have to, manda.
I thought we were having an all-nighter.
Fucking right, we are.
All right, girls. Need a venue?
Is this your room?
It's bigger than my whole house.
Right. I need a shower.
There's red wine over there.
Help yourself.
Hey, do you want a shower?
Oh, no. I'll go without, if you don't...
Actually... no. No. No, it's okay.
Light some candles.
Make yourselves at home, girls.
Let me get the home brew out.
No need to undress straight away.
Hey, I've been wondering.
You got piercings anywhere else?
Aye, well, wonder on.
Help yourself to my body as well, doll.
So my fucking sister's a lesbo,
and Dickie's got another
catholic Lassie pregnant.
He'll get a fucking citation
from the Vatican at this rate.
And how's your sex drive these days?
Sorry, I only fuck human beings.
I feel like Spencer Tracy
in bad day at black rock already.
So now where?
Was thinking we could walk out
to this old fallen-down castle.
Oh, what a view.
- Is that a submarine?
- Aye.
The girls thought there'd be sailors
in town tonight.
Oh, I didn't care.
I know you fancied my mate, Kylah.
I saw you looking at her.
- Aye, well, she's very attractive.
- Aye.
But I'm what you want, though.
Know why?
'Cause you'll have
an interesting time with me.
Oh, I've been here so many times.
Always alone.
I think you should screw me.
Screw me silly. You up for that?
Yeah. Yeah, I think so.
Good. I want you to tie me up to a tree,
by my wrists and ankles.
I'll face the trunk
while you do me from behind.
Now, while I'm climaxing, I want you
to whip me on the back with this rosary.
Not the crucifix end, mind.
- Do you mind if I have a wee smoke?
- Whatever.
- Sounds like I'm gonna need it.
- Aye.
But don't get too out of it.
You have to perform.
Oh, fuck.
Here. Where's your fucking ashtrays?
Just put it on the floor.
I'll never notice.
Is that your bedroom?
Right. Bedtime.
Are you coming in, girls?
With him? Are you mental?
How about it, Kylah?
You're pissed, manda.
Come on. Anybody can be a fucking lesbian.
Don't worry, doll.
Once they hear your sexy moans,
they'll be breaking the door down.
The fucking state of her.
We'd have been safer off
with Kay and finnoula.
- Nice cello.
- Thanks.
I wrap my legs around it...
And play with no clothes on.
The vibrations go right up.
Oh you go, then.
Ae fond kiss
and then we sever
ae farewee/
alas, for ever!
Deep in heart-wrung tears
I 'i/ pledge thee
warring sighs and groans
I'll wage thee!
Fare thee weel
thou first and fairest!
Fare thee weel
thou best and dearest!
Thine be I/ka joy
and treasure
peace, enjoyment, love
And pleasure!
Had we never loved
sae kindly
had we never loved
sae blindly
never met
or never parted
we had ne'er
been broken-hearted
ae fond kiss
and then we sever
ae farewee/
alas, for ever!
Deep in heart-wrung tears
warring sighs and groans
I'll wage thee
Chell! Fucking hell. Chell!
Fucking sparklers.
- Put it out.
- Get the window.
Be careful, be careful, be careful.
- I did it.
- Yes.
There was nothing to it, really.
I'm not sore or anything.
I think I saw stars when I came.
Did you do it?
What was it like?
Well, it's like you'd think.
- I know where to touch and that.
- Fuck.
- Whole new world, eh?
- Aye.
My sickness has come back, finnoula.
I can tell. No need for tests and that.
Anyway, I'm not having that chemo again.
It's my mom I feel sorry for.
She thought I was saved before,
now she's not gonna have me.
Don't say that. Orla, that's scary.
Gets me out of saving for Greece, eh?
Don't say anything to chell.
She'll go to pieces.
I'm in pieces.
Aye, but you're like me. You cope.
Wait till you hear.
I copped off with the bouncer last night.
Oh, the sheep shagger?
And I regret it, as you would.
But, seriously, I was totally out of it.
No condom. Wrong time of month.
She thinks she's up the spout.
Who cares?
Not gonna be the last one pregnant here.
You're still drunk.
At least we'll have no problem
getting into the mantrap.
He can bounce the baby
while he's bouncing,
and I'm inside copping off with sailors.
You all right?
Yeah. I'm all right.
Come here, then.
No wandering hands, girl.
I'm a potentially pregnant heterosexual.
Guys, it looks like
it's gonna be a nice day.
We should go for a paddle on the river.
What about school?
- Fuck school.
- Fuck school.
I'm starving. Gotta eat something.
Aye, I need some food too.
Gotta drink something, but I'm skint.
Oh, here, manda, I'll lend you.
Oh, I'll pay you back, I swear it.
You're probably out of cigarettes too,
eh, finnoula?
Pay me back in Greece.
What a day.
It's not often you get
what you pray for, is it?