Out on a Limb (1992) Movie Script
MISS CLAYTON: Okay,
find a seat. Sit down, please. My name is Miss Clayton,
and I'm your new teacher. And since today's
our first day together, I think we should get
to know one another. So I'm gonna ask each
of you to tell us about
your summer vacation. Who wants to start? What's your name? Priscilla Johnson. You want to tell us about
your vacation, Priscilla? I got the measles. Oh, the measles.
That's too bad. Was that at the beginning
of vacation or the end? The beginning. Well, good. Then you had
all of August to rest up. What did you do in August? I got the mumps. You didn't. I did.
But it was okay. It was a neat vacation
with lots of presents. And everyone
was very nice to me. Oh, good. Except Daddy got nervous
when he got the mumps. (LAUGHING) But aside from that,
it was great. Is that all? Isn't that enough? Sure. Yes. Thanks, Priscilla. And what's your name? Elliot Field. Go ahead, Elliot.
We're listening. I went to summer camp. Okay. What'd you do
at summer camp? We threw cottage cheese
at each other. (CHILDREN LAUGHING) And then what? Ketchup. (CHILDREN LAUGHING) And aside from having
food fights, did you
do anything interesting? No, but that
was interesting. Yes, it was.
Thank you, Elliot. And let's see.
What's your name? Marci Campbell. Tell us about
your vacation, Marci. Well, during my vacation,
my brother lost his job, my mom almost
lost her mind and my stepfather
was murdered
by his twin brother. What kind of story
is that, Marci? It's not a story.
It's the truth. It happened in Buzzsaw. That's a little
town up north. My stepfather
was the mayor. I don't remember
any story about a mayor being murdered
by his twin brother. Okay, Marci, go ahead.
Tell your story,
we're listening. It was a dark night. Actually, it was a dark
and stormy night. A big truck came to my
stepfather's lumberyard. A very big truck. And in the truck
was a killer. His name
was Matt Skearns and he was very tall
like my stepfather and very ugly
like my stepfather. And he couldn't see
without his glasses,
like my stepfather. But that was normal, because he was
his twin brother. Matt Skearns had come bak
to town to get his reven. He'd been in jail for 15 yeas
for a crime he didn't commit, so you can imagine
how mad he was. (SCREAMING) Matt had an accomplice,
Virgil, a man he'd met in prison. Virgil was mean too,
but not as mean as Mat. Yo, four eyes.
You're late, four eyes. Don't call me that. So, how are the boys
in the joint? They don't miss me
and they sure as hell
don't miss you. (SCOFFS) Now here's
the phone number. And the name is Van Der Haven.
Mayor Van Der Haven. Good luck.
I'll meet you
tomorrow night. MARCI: I couldn't sleep
because of the storm, so I was relaxing
and watching a funny
movie on TV when the phone rang. (PHONE RINGING) (BARKS) (PHONE CONTINUES RINGING) Hello? (CLEARS THROAT) Mayor Van Der Haven? Who's calling?
Who is this? Hiya, Petey.
(CHUCKLES) Ah, hold on. Matt, how nice
to hear from you
after all these years. I want $150,000,
tomorrow, at your lumberyard! $150,000? Okay, okay. You'll get your goddamn
money, you little shit! Just keep your end
of the bargain. If I ever see
or hear from you again, I'll personally
kill you! Understand? I'll kill you! (THUD) MARCI: That night I discovered
that my stepfather, who everybody thought was
so honest and so respectab, wasn't the man
he pretended to be. (THUNDER CLAPS) That night I discovered tht
my stepfather was a crimin. Wow. Are you watching too many
horror movies, Marci? No, why? Well, one thing's
for sure. You have
a very active imagination. This isn't imagination.
It's the truth. Are there
any comments? Yes? It may be too soon to judge,
but I have to say
I'm really not convinced. It's so overstated,
so melodramatic. I'm sorry, Julius,
I disagree. So far,
it works for me. It's the most outrageous
summer vacation I've
heard in years. Should I go on? ALL: Yeah! (CHUCKLES)
Go ahead, Marci. I needed help.
I needed it fast. Only one person
to turn to. My big brother, Bill. Book on Echo
Tech, please. A.R.V. put in an order
for 200,000 at 26. Tell 'em it's gonna
get done at 75
with or without 'em. All right.
Odds for a hundred. Damn, every time.
Evens for 200. Do you read minds? It's a question of
reorientation, Steve. I know what you're
gonna do before you know
what you're gonna do. Jerry Beck had a
heart attack last night. My God,
he's only 36. 34. No time
for condolences. You're taking over
Daisy Cellular deal. Background,
two days ago, Daisy's C.O.
Leonard Hathaway dropped dead. Controlling stocks slipped
into hands of Julie Holland,
niece, must sell. Jerry was to meet today. Decided to have
heart attack instead. Such poor judgment
will cost Jerry. You will take this meeting. How much me offer? 160 million ceiling. I want it bad.
Really bad. Watch out. Travis of
Travis, Jacoby and Travis
is doing the legal. The elder Travis? Yes, Count Dracula
himself. Big bonus if you win. Let's play poker. I got a figure in
the back of my mind. Let's see how close
you can get to it. A hundred million. If we auctioned it off,
it'll get done at 175. (SCOFFS) Maybe
five years ago. Not with a market
this unstable. Excuse me, Mr. Travis.
Telephone call for you. Excuse me. It's too bad we have
to go through all this. It's just gonna
get done at 140. How's that? Oh, Travis is gonna
come back in here. He's gonna say that the two
of you have to go somewhere. That's supposed to make me
think he's got another offer. Watch this. I'm terribly sorry,
but something important
has come up. Julie. I'd be willing
to go 155, but... You know, there are 100
strategic buyers in Tokyo
who will do this for 150. I've got a figure
in the back of my mind, and you haven't even
come close to it yet. Well, young man,
you drive a hard bargain. 140 million, then, eh? I can live with that. Bravo, bravo.
Very impressive, Bill. I almost forgot
it was my money. I'm going to my house
in Oaxaca for the weekend.
Let's do the paperwork there. Terrific. I can
fly there Saturday. That would be wonderful. There's no phone, so here's
my caretaker's number and he'll make arrangements
for a car to pick you up. All right.
Well, thank you. And bring
your bathing suit. Or don't. No.
"No" what? No, you can't have
the weekend off. Well, every time you
want something from me,
you interlock your fingers. Sorry, Jenny. I need
you here all weekend. I'm going to Mexico
to close Daisy Cellular. Your sister's on line one.
She's been calling all day. Hmm. Hello.
Hi, Bill. Hey, Marci. Bill, you've got to come
up here right away. Peter's being
blackmailed and... Mom's fine. Listen,
the guy who's blackmailing him
is coming to Buzzsaw tomorrow. Peter talked to him
on the phone and said
he's gonna kill him. Please come, just for the day.
You got to come, Bill. Please? Ah, no, I'm sorry, Marci.
I'm very, very busy.
I really can't. But, Bill,
you don't understand.
I mean, this is real. Anyway, you promised
you'd come if
I ever needed you. You've got to come.
Please? (PHONE RINGING) Hello? Hello, Mr. Buchenwald. True, but if we make
a crossover in Japan, we'll
get a topping bid in a day. (SIREN WAILING) Soon as the papers
are signed. Uh... I have to call you back,
Mr. Buchenwald. Shit. Shit. (SCREAMING) Okay, quiet,
please. Quiet. Quiet, please. Thank you. Marci, who is
the girl on the motorcycle? Oh, her name's Sally,
and she's very nice. Oh, she's nice?
I thought she was being
chased by the police. No, she wasn't being
chased by the police. Actually, the cop
who was shooting at her
was a friend of hers. Marci, what kind of a
friend shoots at you? A boyfriend. Yeah. Yes? I know he will disagree, but I don't like
the way Sally's
brought into the story. I don't quite disagree. I must say
my earlier optimism
is beginning to waver. Those guys
are bothering me. Just tell your story,
and if it's good,
they won't bother you anymore. I'm not so sure. All right, pull it over.
Let's go. All right, come on. WOMAN ON TAPE:
In the following exercise,
listen and learn. (MAN SPEAKING IN JAPANESE) WOMAN: How are the children? Something always
goes wrong, doesn't it?
Jesus! Keep your hands
on the wheel.
(PANTING) What do you want? Turn off the tape. Turn on to that road. No, thanks. I don't think you'd shoot me. Here's the deal. I'm gonna pull over at
the nearest police station then I'm gonna
let you out. (GUN COCKS) You like to gamble?
There are two bullets left, so the odds
are in your favor. (CLICKS)
(GASPS) Sayonara.
Okay. Okay, okay. Turn into that field. SALLY: Stop here.
Leave the keys. Can't we find some kind
of middle ground here? Get out. How far do you think
you're gonna get? I'm just gonna walk
to the nearest
police station. Won't you be a little
embarrassed walking naked
into a police station? Oh, you wouldn't
do that. I'll count to five. All right.
All right. I'm takin' them off. This is ridiculous. One. You can't just leave
me here in the middle
of nowhere, naked. (SCREAMING) MARCI: Luckily,
this car arrived with
two very nice guys in it. and everybody likes them
because they're always reay
to do favors for people. (SCHOOL CHILDREN SCREAMING) Hi. I was robbed and
my car was stolen. MAN ONE: Hop in.
MAN TWO: Yeah, come on. I got to go to
the police station. You remember how you get
to the police station? I never drive when
they take me there. Is there any place
else you wanna go? Well, just drop me
off in Buzzsaw. You from Eureka? No. Name's Jim.
This here's my brother. His name's Jim too. How do you do?
Bill Campbell. We were named after
different people though. I was named after BOTH: Dad. And he was named
after our grandpa.
Grandpa. Grandpa Jim.
Yeah. Do you guys know where
I could get some clothes? Why? Because I don't
have any on. (CHUCKLES) We don't hardly
ever buy clothes. When mine get worn,
I just borrow a pair of
Jim's here and vice versa. I need a beer. BILL: Here you go. There's always
field clothes.
Yeah. Field clothes? Yeah, this is the season
they come out. Yeah. And they're free. Jim here
plays the guitar. Uh-huh. Kinda. Wanna hear?
We got a tape. (STRUMMING GUITAR) JIM SR: (ON TAPE)
Want a beer? JIM JR: Uh... Huh? Want a beer?
Sure. (BEER CAN POPPING OPEN) That the last one?
Yep. Better make a run.
Okay. (GUITAR STRUMMING STOPS) We come back on again
in about 15 minutes. Yeah. Jim! That's my road,
right there.
Oh. We ain't never been
down that road before. We normally don't go where
we haven't already been. That way we
don't get lost. Except once in a while. Of course.
Smart thinking. Yeah. I'm out of here. Okay. Bye.
Good luck. Bye-bye.
Thank you. Okay. MARCI:
Bill had to walk about
a mile to get to the hou. A mile barefoot on a road
full of sharp little sto. With each step,
Bill was thinking of Sally, and you can bet they
weren't very nice thoughts. Damn. (SIREN APPROACHING) (CAR APPROACHING) Hi, my car broke
down back there. Can you give me a lift
to the bus depot? No problem. We just got to
tank up first. Yeah. Ugh. Jim,
you all right? (GRUNTING) You all right? Yeah.
Watch your step. MAN ON TV:
Guess I kinda threw you
a curve there, didn't ? No, four times four
is 16, Beaver. Yeah, now remember that.
Fix it in your mind. Okay, heree
go again. I'm kind of in a hurry.
You think you could
tank up later? Oh, hi. Oh, yeah.
It's that girl. Oh, yeah,
she's in a hurry. We could take
the shortcut through
the old lumber road. Oh, yeah. That's fine,
Beaver. Fine. Now then, four times four.
15. Now? Oh, now.
Okay, sure.
Oh, now. SALLY: I thought
this was a shortcut.
Where are we? JIM SR:
Don't worry. We just lost
the road temporarily. It's okay. We've been lost
in these woods before. When the stars come out,
we'll have a better idea
of where we are. SALLY: Okay, that's it. I'll take
my chances alone. Okay.
Okay. Ready, Jim? Yeah. Jim! Jim! Jim! (DOG BARKING) Bill! Guess what?
That guy's coming today and Peter has to
give him $150,000. Hmm. First,
I want a kiss. I told Mom she shouldn't
marry him. He's evil. Here's what I want. I want the three of us,
you, me and Peter, to sit down someplace
and have a good, long talk. I don't wanna talk
to a criminal. I know it's hard
for you adjusting
to a new stepfather. Especially when
he's criminal. He's not a criminal, Marci.
You just don't like him. He is a criminal.
He is a criminal.
He is a criminal. Why're you so stubborn,
you little knucklehead? Why are you dressed
like Huckleberry Finn? Hey, Dudley.
How's Dudley? Good boy. Good. (PHONE RINGING) Buzzsaw police. Yes, I'd like to report
a stolen car, please. A stolen car? Could you hold,
please? My God,
what happened
to you? He was kidnapped
and his car was stolen and he was left naked
on the side of the road. Stop telling
stories, Marci. No, this time
it's true, Mom. Yes, this is
the stolen car. Well, what's so complicated
about a stolen car? (BARKING) Come on, Dudley. Well, I'll tell
you what to do.
You have a C.B.? Great. Call the county police,
ask them if
they found a car. (CURSING IN DISTANCE)
It's a silver
1990 BMW 750IL. License plate,
2-S-R-I-4-5-0. Yeah, I'll hold. He's been like this
since yesterday. He's having an affair.
This time I'm positive,
I think. Remember my friend Mandy
from the Junior League? Exact same thing happened
with her husband. Late work days
and mysterious hang ups. You don't know what it's
like to answer the phone and hear that
awful click again and again.
Click, click, click. Honey, I got some
business in town... Monkey business. Hello, Bill. How nice
to see you again. Hi, Peter. Listen,
I need to talk to you when you get
a chance, please. It's about Marci. Sure, sure, I see.
I'll try and make myself
available sometime. Hello? You found it?
Where? Excellent. Don't touch anything.
I'll be right there. MARCI:
Meanwhile, Bill found
his car, but not his walle. And the Buzzsaw police
were no help. In fact,
they were kind of weird. My wallet's gone. Right. Now you say
she kidnapped you? Kidnapped you and then
she took your car? You got to help me.
I got to get
that wallet back. See, the problem
here is that Sheriff Hawks
and Deputy Logan went
away for the weekend to Eureka for
the California State
Sheriff's Day Parade. And, see, I was hired
originally part-time just to do some
filing and light typing. Larry here...
It's my first day. It's his first day
as deputy, you see. And we said we would fill in
until they got back, but nobody said there
would be a kidnapping. I haven't even
been trained yet. BILL: You don't understand
how important this is. There's a caretaker's
phone number in the wallet. If I don't call him
by Friday, I've blown
a $140 million deal. Can you describe
the caretaker? What's with this town?
Is there somethin'
in the water? Not that I
know of, sir. Nobody said anything
about the water to us
except you just now. MAN: Sir? You need
a new oil pan. I jerry-rigged
a patch, but, uh... Okay, what are
you telling me? Just that we'll try, sir.
Definitely try. But that we are not
equipped to deal with
anything dangerous you know, like
a real crime or
anything like that. (GUN COCKS) Hello, Matty. Well, Mayor Van Der Haven.
That's a funny name. Dutch? Yes, as a matter
of fact it is. So, I guess you'll
be needing a little
traveling money. Yeah, $150,000. That's $10,000
for every year I spent
in prison for you, you son-of-a-bitch! MARCI: There was a witness
to this family reunion. Sally, who was trying to fd
her way through the woods and who was about toe
totally grossed out. Now there's no need
for threats, Matt. Just hold it right there. Oh, come, come, come, Matt.
I'm not like you. I don't carry a gun. I'm the mayor of Buzzsaw,
for Christ's sake. (GUNSHOTS) You always were
a liar and a cheat! No wonder you became
a politician! And a good one. PETER: Matt? Matt, now take it easy. Asshole! Matty, Matty, Matty. Don't be childish. Stay away from me! PETER:
You remember when Mom said
we'd kill each other someday? (CHUCKLES) She was right! Stay where you are! Ugh. Jenny, any luck
reaching that caretaker? No, I'm going crazy. I've called 500 numbers.
At this rate, I'm going
to be at it all week. You call all
the Jose Rodriguezes within
100 miles south of Oaxaca and I'll call all
the ones to the north. (SIGHS) Lights out, honey. It's already past
your bedtime. Oh, five more
minutes, Mom. Sorry, time's up. Oh, God, Marci,
where did you find this? No. This is going
down right now. But, Mom, I can't
sleep without that. You're just gonna have
to learn to, dear. Good night, honey. Good night, Mom. Hey, Matt.
Matt? My name's Peter
Van Der Haven.
Who are you? (SCOFFS) Don't give
me that crap, Matt. I figured you'd try
and double-cross me. (CHUCKLES)
You've got
the wrong man. Get off my property or
I'll call the police. Hey, four eyes.
I told you
not to... Well, that's very good.
That's very smart, Virgil. So, where's
the money? He didn't have it,
so I had to kill him. VIRGIL: Son of a bitch!
What are we supposed
to do now? MATT: I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do now. I'm gonna go into
that house and I'm gonna
become Peter Van Der Haven. And you are gonna lay low. And when the time comes,
you're gonna get
your 10 percent. Now get! Ten percent?
It's 50/50, Matt. Who the hell told you
your brother was the mayor
of Buzzsaw anyway, huh? Who told you? It was me! I'm the mayor of Buzzsaw,
and this is the new deal! Oh, no! No, Matt!
What are you doing? Bill! Bill!
Guess what? Peter's dead and his
twin brother killed him
and took his place! Hold on. Marci,
it's very late,
and I'm busy. And he killed
this other guy, too.
I saw it on my wall! I think you're
having a bad dream. No.
Yes, and you should
go to sleep. But...
We'll talk in the morning.
It's okay. Go ahead, go to sleep. Go to sleep. It's okay.
Good night. MARCI: As usual,
Bill didn't believe me and I didn't know
what to think. Maybe it was just
a bad dream after all. (MATT GRUNTING)
(BODY THUDDING) But the next morning,
I realized that it wasn't
a bad dream at all. There was a murderer
in the house, all righ. Oh, shit! Esta es la casa
de Jose Rodriguez. EsJose? Mmm, uh, mmm.
No. Gracias. Come to the dining room, Bill.
Breakfast is ready. Marci! (PHONE RINGING) Hello? Hello? Hi, Peter.
It's me, Melissa. This isn't Peter.
Just a second.
(DIAL TONE) Hello? It's her. It's that woman
who's always
hanging up on me. What did she say? Just, "Peter,
it's me, Melissa." Melissa? Huh,
I know her name now. Melissa.
Melissa the whore. You okay, Mom? MATT: Son-of-a-bitch!
(CRASHING) That's the second time
he's fallen this morning. Must've forgotten there's
a step in the bathroom. All this sex
is rotting his brain. (GRUNTING) Peter, why are you going
through my panties? I'm... I'm lookin'
for a tie. They're where
they always are. Right, where
they always are. Here. (THUDS) I thought you hated
Aunt Millie's tie. I changed my mind. (BARKING) Could you
call Marci? Marci. Marci! (WHISTLING TO DOG)
Hey, Marci! (WHISTLING) Bill, you got to
call the F.B.I. This is too big
for the police. Marci, do me a favor.
No F.B.I. till I've
talked to Peter, all right? Here, why don't you set
the table? Go ahead. All right,
set the table. (WHISTLING) Peter, we have
to talk about Marci. I don't think that
she's adjusting here. Maybe we should
have her put to sleep.
(WHISTLING) Hi. MARCI: The resemblance
was incredible. It was Peter
and it wasn't. Matt had a brutal,
kind of crazy
look in his eyes. I was really scared. But he fascinated me. That's my seat, Peter. Oh, sorry. MARCI:
Matt was a real monste. A murderer with
his barracuda smile. Mom, Dudley took
the high blood
pressure pill. (PHONE RINGING) It's probably for you. Will you pick up
the phone, Peter? (PHONE RINGING) Hi, Peter.
It's me, Melissa. Hi, Melissa. MELISSA:
Is your wife the?
Can we talk? Yeah, just a second.
It's Melissa. Hello?
(DIAL TONE) That was deliberate. I'm gonna go
to the police. I'm gonna try
to find this girl. Okay, what do you want?
Do you want a divorce? Uh, no. No, thank you.
Excuse me. Bill, Bill! Yeah, Marci? Peter's twin brother
went into the closet twice
instead of the bathroom and sat at the wrong seat
at the table and Dudley took
the high blood pressure pill. You remember when
you were on your
sci-fi kick, Marci? And you thought
the house in Oakland
was a landing spot for those creatures
from the planet Arkanon? It wasn't a landing
spot. It was where
they came to meet. Do you know the reason
that I never saw the
Arkanese space invaders? You really know
the real reason
that I never saw them? Why? Because I am from
the planet Arkanon. I am Arkanese,
and my mission is... No!
To tickle Marci! I am the official
Arkanese Marci tickler. You see? You see? He killed him.
Now he's gonna bury him. I'll make a deal with you.
I'm gonna follow him. If he's off to bury
his dead brother,
I'll give you a nickel. If not, you have to do
everything I tell you
for the rest of your life. That worked when
I was six years old. I'm not six years old anymore. Take it or leave it.
(STARTS ENGINE) Morning...
(GASPS) Hey, I just want
my wallet back. I just want
my wallet! What the hell's
goin' on here?
Slow down. Stay away from me! Just give me
back my wallet. Give me back my bat! Look, I'm not a thief.
When I found your wallet,
I mailed it to you. You found my wallet
in my pants that
you stole from me! I sent the pants too. I'm wearing the pants. Give him back his bat! (GRUNTS) (GROANS) Are you okay? Oh, shit.
(GROANING) Are you all right? (GRUNTING) Okay, fine. All right, you fat pig! End of the line! Not so smooth now, are you? Oh, oh, here... Have a cigar. You know what
I'm gonna do?
I'll tell ya. First, I'm gonna
bury you so deep,
nobody'll ever find you! Then I'm gonna 86 your family! And then you know
what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go to the bank
and take what's mine! What do you say to that? You bastard! (GLASS CRUNCHING) Aw, shit! (HALLELUJAHPLAYING) Hallelujah, hallelujah (GRUNTS)
Hallelujah, hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Hallelujah You sure you got
the right station? Yeah. Don't sound
like Iron Maiden. Hallelujah, hallelujah It's a live concert.
It sounds different live. Hallelujah, hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah I gotta piss, Jim. Hallelujah, hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Get outta here. I'm talkin' to you. I gotta take a piss and
you're not gonna watch me. Get outta here!
(SQUEAKS) Aagh! You queer,
bushy-tailed rat. (GRUNTS) Oh, shit!
Oh, shit! MARCI:
Meanwhile, Sally, who was
running away from Bill, didn't know she would
again have to face the
diabolical Matt Skearns. Excuse me, can you
give me a lift to... (GASPS) (GRUNTING) (PHONE RINGING) Hello?
BUCHENWALD: Bill... I'm on two lines. What's
the time frame look like? Um, good, Mr. Buchenwald.
Really good. Call as soon as
the papers are signed. Look, you gotta believe me!
Someone's trying to kill me. Please, he's right outside.
Start the car! I'll start the car if you
give me the wallet back. (SIGHS) Oh, no. No, no,
not this time! No, no, no. (GROANING) No, no, no. (EXCLAIMS) (MOANS) Okay. Okay. Where is it?
I don't have it! I don't believe you. Search me. You'd make a lousy cop. You missed a pocket. There's nothing in there. How do you know
unless you check? Ah! (GRUNTING) I'll take you to it
if you let me go! You bastard! Had enough? (GASPING) JIM SR: (SHOUTING) Jim! Jim! Jim! (ECHOING) Jim! Jim? (ECHOING) Jim? Is that me or you? JIM JR: Jim! Jim? Jim! Jim? JIM JR: Jim! Jim?
Jim! You're buried. I know!
Get me outta here.
I gotta piss! Okay. Just pull me out. (URINATING) Who's this? I don't know. Name's Jim. (SMIRKS) He's shit-faced. I know you're drunk,
but you... You gotta help us,
you gotta walk it off. Oh, he don't
want that, Jim. All right, let's go. Just put one foot
in front of the other. What foot am I
supposed to put in
front of the other? I'm talkin' to him. Jim, what's this? Oh!
Sorry. He dropped
his wallet. Look at this.
His name is Jose. Jose Rodriguez. No shit. There you go, Jose.
You hang on to that. Jim?
Yeah? Maybe Jose
needs a drink. Hey, let's go to Jed's. Jed's costs money. Well, look at him, Jim! I mean, Jose needs
a drink bad. Now you want to
kill him or something? No. All right, then.
Come on. Come on. (BOTH GRUNTING) One foot in front
of the other. (MUTTERING) JIM JR: He can't drive. You don't get
carsick now, do you? Turn him over.
Okay. Let me get
his legs up here.
Pull him in. Jose, don't touch
the steering wheel. Ready?
Yeah. Here we go to Jed's. (LAUGHING) (SWITCHING ON JUKEBOX) Hey, baby que paso? Hey. All right. Thought I was your only vato Hey, baby que paso? Three whiskeys. Hair of the dog. JIM JR: Hey.
JIM SR: Oh, hey. (LADIES LAUGHING) Hey, ladies.
Hi. Hey.
Hi. How are ya? JIM JR: I like them. Let's go dance, Jim. Please don't leave me
de ese modo Yeah. Hello,
Sheriff's Department? Yeah, this is Jed's Bar. Jim, he can't dance
or anything. Let go, Jose. JIM JR: Come on, sit up.
JIM SR: Sit up. Here, stick your legs
in there. There you go. You okay?
He's okay. (SEDUCTIVELY) HI. My name is Cindy. Come on, Jim. (MUSIC PLAYING) Hi!
Hey, get down. Hey, baby que paso? Oh, you don't
say much, do you? (CHUCKLING) Stop lookin' at me like that. You're makin' me feel funny. Come on,
baby turn around Shit, Jim.
He's doin' all right. (LAUGHING) To you, buddy. Hey, Jose!
Jose! And my corazon is real Hey, baby que paso? I don't see anything
wrong. Let's go. JED: No! There. There! JED: In the booth!
It's the mayor. Darren.
Oh, man. Mayor Van Der Haven. I must say I'm
a little surprised, sir. Mr. Van Der Haven? Mr. Van Der Haven? Hey, baby que paso? Please don't leave me
de ese modo He's dead. Oh, no. Oh, no! No, no. Oh, God! Oh, well, uh, we
were just talking. Thought I was your only vato Everybody freeze! Hey, baby que paso? (SOBBING) We're here. What's the...
What's the matter? My whole life's the
matter, that's what! Kind of an inescapable
problem, being who I am. (SOBBING) Don't do that.
Don't cry. I'm not crying! I can't even wipe my eyes. Okay. Take it easy. Ow. (TRASH CLATTERING) (TRASH CLATTERING) Okay, where is it? I don't know.
I threw it someplace. What's with this
crummy wallet anyway? My contact's phone number
is in the wallet, and if I don't reach her
by tomorrow in Mexico, I've blown a
$140 million deal. Shit. All right. If you found
a wallet in your house... And it didn't
belong to you, what would you do? I'd think it was a hat
and I'd wear it on my head. These guys are brothers
and they're both named Jim. The Jims? You know them? Oh. Oh, God. Okay, this is gonna
be a tough one. So, we have to
reorient ourselves. Now put yourself in
the other guy's shoes. So, I'm a Jim,
my name is Jim. I'm very, very stupid.
I wake up in the morning
and what do I do? You bump into things.
You trip over your own feet. After that. Get a beer. Get a beer. Okay, I've had
my beer. Now what? You have another one. After that.
Another one. After I've had all the
beer that I can drink. You have one more. You're pretty good at this. I'm thinking like a Jim. Hmm. Ugh! (FLIES BUZZING) Guess that's
where they keep
the dirty ones. (ANIMAL SQUEAKING) (KNOCKING) It's alive. Lemme outta here. No! (BOTH SCREAMING) (SQUEAKING) I'm gonna untie your hands. But you have to promise
not to beat the shit outta me. Okay. (RIFLE SHOT)
(GASPS) It's him. (RIFLE SHOT) What's going on? We're running
and he's shooting! (RIFLE SHOT) (RIFLE SHOT) (BOTH GRUNTING) (CELL PHONE RINGING) (PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
Oh! Ah! (SOFTLY) Hello? Oh, Mr. Buchenwald,
I can't talk right now. Yes, I'll call you if the...
When the papers are signed. (RIFLE SHOTS) (BIRDS CALLING) (BOTH PANTING) Who is that guy?
I don't know. It's a nightmare. Why does everybody
who sees you want
to shoot at you? One kissed me. (GROWLING) Oh, yeah, I know.
I'm starved too. That wasn't my stomach. (GROWLING) Don't panic! The worst
thing you can do is run. What should we do, then? Curl up and pretend
we're a piece of food? Just do as I say
and don't run. Run! Get him!
Get him! (INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER) What'd you do to Jose? What kind of a world
are we living in? (SIGHS) Just don't think
about it, Larry. One of us is gonna have to
break the news to the... Late mayor's widow. You stay here. I'll do it. I'll come with you. Guess we're stuck here
all night again, Jim. Shit! (CHUCKLING) Mom? Marci! If he's touched them,
I'll break his spine with my bare hands,
I swear to God. Here, stay here and
look out the window. If you see
anybody coming, yell. And I'll call the police. (PHONE RINGING) Who's that? Probably a wrong number. (PHONE RINGING) Then, maybe it's for us. (RINGING)
Maybe. Go to the Van Der Haven
house at the end of
Seaview Drive. Got that? Uh... well... yeah.
(DISCONNECTED TONE) Who was it? Wrong number. Oh. (CREAKING)
(DOOR CLOSING) Bill? (FLOORBOARD CREAKING) (SCREAMING) (MATT SNARLING) So, we meet at last. Okay, hang up on me now. Hang up on me now! Shame on you!
(GUN SHOT) Just stay right there! Get over there
and don't move! All right.
Take it easy. Are you gonna kill us and
cut us into little pieces? Everybody, shut up! Okay, kids, quiet down.
Your father's angry. Gimme the passbook.
The bank passbook! Here it is, Peter.
It was here all the time. All you had
to do was ask. The name's Matt.
Matt Skearns. You got what you want.
Your twin's dead. MATT:
Yeah, I got what
I want, almost. I did 15 years for a
murder he committed.
This money's mine! (DOORBELL RINGING) Get in there.
Go on. Go on! You, answer the door. Don't say anything
or you're dead. (DOORBELL RINGING) I'm very sorry to have to
bring you this very bad news. (MOUTHING WORDS) I regret to inform you
that your husband... (WHISPERING)
He's back from the dead! What seems to be
the matter? We just brought you
your effects. So much for the police. Aren't you gonna take
one of us hostage? They always take a hostage
in case something goes wrong. No hostages. You take one of us hostage
and lock the rest of us
in the basement. You go to the bank,
get the dough, come back
and ice the rest of us, cut us into little pieces
and stuff us in garbage...
Shut up. Shut up, Marci. How much money you gonna
get from the bank? 100,000?
200,000? Why don't you let me
make one phone call? You could have
a million dollars. (COCKS HAMMER) (DIAL TONE)
(TOUCH-TONE DIALING) (RINGING)
Bill Campbell's office. Jenny, I need you
to do something for me. Sell all our shares
of Atwater Tech. Then wire $1 million
to the First National Bank
of Buzzsaw. But...
No buts. Just do it. Yes, sir. We don't have any shares
in Atwater Tech. Transfer will take
about 15 minutes. Take me with you to the bank
and let everyone else go. You're not in any
position to make deals. Then shoot me. You're thinking I won't
care about my own life once I know that
my family's safe. Take a second hostage. You're thinking I can't watch
two hostages at the same time. Put the other hostage
in the trunk. Shut up, Marci. Thanks, kid. Okay, to the basement. Hi, Mr. Mayor.
This is Vincent. Piss off! Hello, Mayor. Hello, Mr. Mayor. Hi, Mr. Mayor. Mr. Mayor.
I thought you were speaking
at the Founder's Day Festival. I'll tell you what. Why don't you give
the speech for me? There should be a million
dollars wired here under
the name "Bill Campbell." (KEYS CLICKING) (BEEPING) I'm sorry, Mr. Mayor, we've
had no transaction like that. I don't think we've ever
had a transaction like that. (GRUNTING) (SCREAMING) Nobody move! All right, just
gimme what you got! It's me. (GRUNTING)
BILL: Okay, it's
gonna be all right. (GRUNTING) SALLY: Let me out of here! I gotta get help.
I'll be right back. Hurry! Push. No, it's further.
You gotta twist. Come on. Push, push. Jim? Jim?
Yep? I got 'em. Come on, Jim. You got it?
I'm gettin' it. Jim! You? You! I... Never mind. (SOBBING) (CHUCKLING) I'm back.
SALLY: Hurry! (GRUNTING) Hey, this your car? (STRAINING) Yes! This ain't your car. My father's car. Shit! Is this your son? Yeah. Damn! (TIRES SCREECHING) Hey! Get outta there.
That's my truck! Damn! Hey, that's my truck! (TIRES SCREECHING) (GASPING LOUDLY) (SIREN WAILING) (BOTH SCREAMING) (BOTH SCREAMING) (SIREN DRONING SLOWLY) LARRY: It's gonna charge. They always charge
when they see red! It's a cow, Larry. It's a cow. (TIRES SCREECHING) Oh! Okay.
(GRUNTING) Step over.
I can't! Here, try again.
Give me your hand. (SCREAMING) Jump! I can't! My foot's caught! My hands are slipping! (SCREAMING) I am falling! I got you. Wha... Oh, shit! (SCREAMING) (GRUNTING) Oh, God. (MUTTERING) They gotta
be down here somewhere. Jeez. You all right?
Yeah. Oh, God, it's over. (SIGHING) (CELL PHONE RINGING) Don't get it. (PHONE CONTINUES RINGING) Bill! You're always one
jump ahead, aren't you? Mr. Buchenwald. I'll never figure out
how you knew Daisy was a dog. Turns out they're
totally overextended. Brilliant stall tactics,
by the way. You saved us 140 million. Breakfast meeting, tomorro.
8:00, Riviera Bay Club. We're going for
Tactel Industries this time.
It may get bloody. (SIGHS) Bill? I can't make the meeting,
Mr. Buchenwald. (SHOUTING)
You can't make
the meeting? Did somebody make you
a better offer someplace else? I'm working on it. I'll top it! I'll top it!
I'll top it! (MUTTERING) Aha! (GASPING) MARCI:
So Matt joined his
twin brother in hell, and Bill and Sally
are getting married
in a few days. And my mom's a widow,
but she's very happy. And that's what I did
during my summer vacation. BOY: Wow, what a vacation! (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) See you tomorrow, children. BOY 1: What a story! BOY 2:
She's a good storyteller,
no matter what you say. BOY 1: You think it was true? BOY 2: Ah, it was true. What about the Jims? SALLY: So, what will
you do now? BILL: I don't know.
Maybe there's
an opening in Buzzsaw. Mayor of Buzzsaw? Well, it's a question
of reorientation. You know? (TIRES SCREECHING) Hop in. Come on. Where you headed? Buzzsaw. We can take you
right into town. We just gotta
tank up first. Y'all wanna come
tank up with us? Why not? SALLY: Good idea. All right. You guys by any chance
registered to vote? Hey, baby que paso? JIM JR: Hey, you
gotta go left here, Jim. Left. Left. JIM SR: Okay.
JIM JR: Yeah. Hey, baby que paso? Please don't leave me
de ese modo Come on, baby turn around Let me see your
pretty blue eyes Don't you know
that I love you Please don't leave me
de ese modo Hey, baby que paso? Thought I was your only vato Hey, baby que paso? Won't you give me un bes? Que paso, baby? I thout
I was your only vato What's happening here? Hey, baby que paso? Thought I was your only vato Hey, baby que paso? Please don't leave me
de ese modo Come on, baby turn around Let me show you how I fel Don't you know
that I love you And my corazon is real Hey, baby que paso? Thought I was your only vato Hey, baby que paso? Won't you give me un beso It's Freddy Fender! Hey, baby que paso? Thought I was your only vato Hey, baby que paso? (SLOW INSTRUMENTAL)
find a seat. Sit down, please. My name is Miss Clayton,
and I'm your new teacher. And since today's
our first day together, I think we should get
to know one another. So I'm gonna ask each
of you to tell us about
your summer vacation. Who wants to start? What's your name? Priscilla Johnson. You want to tell us about
your vacation, Priscilla? I got the measles. Oh, the measles.
That's too bad. Was that at the beginning
of vacation or the end? The beginning. Well, good. Then you had
all of August to rest up. What did you do in August? I got the mumps. You didn't. I did.
But it was okay. It was a neat vacation
with lots of presents. And everyone
was very nice to me. Oh, good. Except Daddy got nervous
when he got the mumps. (LAUGHING) But aside from that,
it was great. Is that all? Isn't that enough? Sure. Yes. Thanks, Priscilla. And what's your name? Elliot Field. Go ahead, Elliot.
We're listening. I went to summer camp. Okay. What'd you do
at summer camp? We threw cottage cheese
at each other. (CHILDREN LAUGHING) And then what? Ketchup. (CHILDREN LAUGHING) And aside from having
food fights, did you
do anything interesting? No, but that
was interesting. Yes, it was.
Thank you, Elliot. And let's see.
What's your name? Marci Campbell. Tell us about
your vacation, Marci. Well, during my vacation,
my brother lost his job, my mom almost
lost her mind and my stepfather
was murdered
by his twin brother. What kind of story
is that, Marci? It's not a story.
It's the truth. It happened in Buzzsaw. That's a little
town up north. My stepfather
was the mayor. I don't remember
any story about a mayor being murdered
by his twin brother. Okay, Marci, go ahead.
Tell your story,
we're listening. It was a dark night. Actually, it was a dark
and stormy night. A big truck came to my
stepfather's lumberyard. A very big truck. And in the truck
was a killer. His name
was Matt Skearns and he was very tall
like my stepfather and very ugly
like my stepfather. And he couldn't see
without his glasses,
like my stepfather. But that was normal, because he was
his twin brother. Matt Skearns had come bak
to town to get his reven. He'd been in jail for 15 yeas
for a crime he didn't commit, so you can imagine
how mad he was. (SCREAMING) Matt had an accomplice,
Virgil, a man he'd met in prison. Virgil was mean too,
but not as mean as Mat. Yo, four eyes.
You're late, four eyes. Don't call me that. So, how are the boys
in the joint? They don't miss me
and they sure as hell
don't miss you. (SCOFFS) Now here's
the phone number. And the name is Van Der Haven.
Mayor Van Der Haven. Good luck.
I'll meet you
tomorrow night. MARCI: I couldn't sleep
because of the storm, so I was relaxing
and watching a funny
movie on TV when the phone rang. (PHONE RINGING) (BARKS) (PHONE CONTINUES RINGING) Hello? (CLEARS THROAT) Mayor Van Der Haven? Who's calling?
Who is this? Hiya, Petey.
(CHUCKLES) Ah, hold on. Matt, how nice
to hear from you
after all these years. I want $150,000,
tomorrow, at your lumberyard! $150,000? Okay, okay. You'll get your goddamn
money, you little shit! Just keep your end
of the bargain. If I ever see
or hear from you again, I'll personally
kill you! Understand? I'll kill you! (THUD) MARCI: That night I discovered
that my stepfather, who everybody thought was
so honest and so respectab, wasn't the man
he pretended to be. (THUNDER CLAPS) That night I discovered tht
my stepfather was a crimin. Wow. Are you watching too many
horror movies, Marci? No, why? Well, one thing's
for sure. You have
a very active imagination. This isn't imagination.
It's the truth. Are there
any comments? Yes? It may be too soon to judge,
but I have to say
I'm really not convinced. It's so overstated,
so melodramatic. I'm sorry, Julius,
I disagree. So far,
it works for me. It's the most outrageous
summer vacation I've
heard in years. Should I go on? ALL: Yeah! (CHUCKLES)
Go ahead, Marci. I needed help.
I needed it fast. Only one person
to turn to. My big brother, Bill. Book on Echo
Tech, please. A.R.V. put in an order
for 200,000 at 26. Tell 'em it's gonna
get done at 75
with or without 'em. All right.
Odds for a hundred. Damn, every time.
Evens for 200. Do you read minds? It's a question of
reorientation, Steve. I know what you're
gonna do before you know
what you're gonna do. Jerry Beck had a
heart attack last night. My God,
he's only 36. 34. No time
for condolences. You're taking over
Daisy Cellular deal. Background,
two days ago, Daisy's C.O.
Leonard Hathaway dropped dead. Controlling stocks slipped
into hands of Julie Holland,
niece, must sell. Jerry was to meet today. Decided to have
heart attack instead. Such poor judgment
will cost Jerry. You will take this meeting. How much me offer? 160 million ceiling. I want it bad.
Really bad. Watch out. Travis of
Travis, Jacoby and Travis
is doing the legal. The elder Travis? Yes, Count Dracula
himself. Big bonus if you win. Let's play poker. I got a figure in
the back of my mind. Let's see how close
you can get to it. A hundred million. If we auctioned it off,
it'll get done at 175. (SCOFFS) Maybe
five years ago. Not with a market
this unstable. Excuse me, Mr. Travis.
Telephone call for you. Excuse me. It's too bad we have
to go through all this. It's just gonna
get done at 140. How's that? Oh, Travis is gonna
come back in here. He's gonna say that the two
of you have to go somewhere. That's supposed to make me
think he's got another offer. Watch this. I'm terribly sorry,
but something important
has come up. Julie. I'd be willing
to go 155, but... You know, there are 100
strategic buyers in Tokyo
who will do this for 150. I've got a figure
in the back of my mind, and you haven't even
come close to it yet. Well, young man,
you drive a hard bargain. 140 million, then, eh? I can live with that. Bravo, bravo.
Very impressive, Bill. I almost forgot
it was my money. I'm going to my house
in Oaxaca for the weekend.
Let's do the paperwork there. Terrific. I can
fly there Saturday. That would be wonderful. There's no phone, so here's
my caretaker's number and he'll make arrangements
for a car to pick you up. All right.
Well, thank you. And bring
your bathing suit. Or don't. No.
"No" what? No, you can't have
the weekend off. Well, every time you
want something from me,
you interlock your fingers. Sorry, Jenny. I need
you here all weekend. I'm going to Mexico
to close Daisy Cellular. Your sister's on line one.
She's been calling all day. Hmm. Hello.
Hi, Bill. Hey, Marci. Bill, you've got to come
up here right away. Peter's being
blackmailed and... Mom's fine. Listen,
the guy who's blackmailing him
is coming to Buzzsaw tomorrow. Peter talked to him
on the phone and said
he's gonna kill him. Please come, just for the day.
You got to come, Bill. Please? Ah, no, I'm sorry, Marci.
I'm very, very busy.
I really can't. But, Bill,
you don't understand.
I mean, this is real. Anyway, you promised
you'd come if
I ever needed you. You've got to come.
Please? (PHONE RINGING) Hello? Hello, Mr. Buchenwald. True, but if we make
a crossover in Japan, we'll
get a topping bid in a day. (SIREN WAILING) Soon as the papers
are signed. Uh... I have to call you back,
Mr. Buchenwald. Shit. Shit. (SCREAMING) Okay, quiet,
please. Quiet. Quiet, please. Thank you. Marci, who is
the girl on the motorcycle? Oh, her name's Sally,
and she's very nice. Oh, she's nice?
I thought she was being
chased by the police. No, she wasn't being
chased by the police. Actually, the cop
who was shooting at her
was a friend of hers. Marci, what kind of a
friend shoots at you? A boyfriend. Yeah. Yes? I know he will disagree, but I don't like
the way Sally's
brought into the story. I don't quite disagree. I must say
my earlier optimism
is beginning to waver. Those guys
are bothering me. Just tell your story,
and if it's good,
they won't bother you anymore. I'm not so sure. All right, pull it over.
Let's go. All right, come on. WOMAN ON TAPE:
In the following exercise,
listen and learn. (MAN SPEAKING IN JAPANESE) WOMAN: How are the children? Something always
goes wrong, doesn't it?
Jesus! Keep your hands
on the wheel.
(PANTING) What do you want? Turn off the tape. Turn on to that road. No, thanks. I don't think you'd shoot me. Here's the deal. I'm gonna pull over at
the nearest police station then I'm gonna
let you out. (GUN COCKS) You like to gamble?
There are two bullets left, so the odds
are in your favor. (CLICKS)
(GASPS) Sayonara.
Okay. Okay, okay. Turn into that field. SALLY: Stop here.
Leave the keys. Can't we find some kind
of middle ground here? Get out. How far do you think
you're gonna get? I'm just gonna walk
to the nearest
police station. Won't you be a little
embarrassed walking naked
into a police station? Oh, you wouldn't
do that. I'll count to five. All right.
All right. I'm takin' them off. This is ridiculous. One. You can't just leave
me here in the middle
of nowhere, naked. (SCREAMING) MARCI: Luckily,
this car arrived with
two very nice guys in it. and everybody likes them
because they're always reay
to do favors for people. (SCHOOL CHILDREN SCREAMING) Hi. I was robbed and
my car was stolen. MAN ONE: Hop in.
MAN TWO: Yeah, come on. I got to go to
the police station. You remember how you get
to the police station? I never drive when
they take me there. Is there any place
else you wanna go? Well, just drop me
off in Buzzsaw. You from Eureka? No. Name's Jim.
This here's my brother. His name's Jim too. How do you do?
Bill Campbell. We were named after
different people though. I was named after BOTH: Dad. And he was named
after our grandpa.
Grandpa. Grandpa Jim.
Yeah. Do you guys know where
I could get some clothes? Why? Because I don't
have any on. (CHUCKLES) We don't hardly
ever buy clothes. When mine get worn,
I just borrow a pair of
Jim's here and vice versa. I need a beer. BILL: Here you go. There's always
field clothes.
Yeah. Field clothes? Yeah, this is the season
they come out. Yeah. And they're free. Jim here
plays the guitar. Uh-huh. Kinda. Wanna hear?
We got a tape. (STRUMMING GUITAR) JIM SR: (ON TAPE)
Want a beer? JIM JR: Uh... Huh? Want a beer?
Sure. (BEER CAN POPPING OPEN) That the last one?
Yep. Better make a run.
Okay. (GUITAR STRUMMING STOPS) We come back on again
in about 15 minutes. Yeah. Jim! That's my road,
right there.
Oh. We ain't never been
down that road before. We normally don't go where
we haven't already been. That way we
don't get lost. Except once in a while. Of course.
Smart thinking. Yeah. I'm out of here. Okay. Bye.
Good luck. Bye-bye.
Thank you. Okay. MARCI:
Bill had to walk about
a mile to get to the hou. A mile barefoot on a road
full of sharp little sto. With each step,
Bill was thinking of Sally, and you can bet they
weren't very nice thoughts. Damn. (SIREN APPROACHING) (CAR APPROACHING) Hi, my car broke
down back there. Can you give me a lift
to the bus depot? No problem. We just got to
tank up first. Yeah. Ugh. Jim,
you all right? (GRUNTING) You all right? Yeah.
Watch your step. MAN ON TV:
Guess I kinda threw you
a curve there, didn't ? No, four times four
is 16, Beaver. Yeah, now remember that.
Fix it in your mind. Okay, heree
go again. I'm kind of in a hurry.
You think you could
tank up later? Oh, hi. Oh, yeah.
It's that girl. Oh, yeah,
she's in a hurry. We could take
the shortcut through
the old lumber road. Oh, yeah. That's fine,
Beaver. Fine. Now then, four times four.
15. Now? Oh, now.
Okay, sure.
Oh, now. SALLY: I thought
this was a shortcut.
Where are we? JIM SR:
Don't worry. We just lost
the road temporarily. It's okay. We've been lost
in these woods before. When the stars come out,
we'll have a better idea
of where we are. SALLY: Okay, that's it. I'll take
my chances alone. Okay.
Okay. Ready, Jim? Yeah. Jim! Jim! Jim! (DOG BARKING) Bill! Guess what?
That guy's coming today and Peter has to
give him $150,000. Hmm. First,
I want a kiss. I told Mom she shouldn't
marry him. He's evil. Here's what I want. I want the three of us,
you, me and Peter, to sit down someplace
and have a good, long talk. I don't wanna talk
to a criminal. I know it's hard
for you adjusting
to a new stepfather. Especially when
he's criminal. He's not a criminal, Marci.
You just don't like him. He is a criminal.
He is a criminal.
He is a criminal. Why're you so stubborn,
you little knucklehead? Why are you dressed
like Huckleberry Finn? Hey, Dudley.
How's Dudley? Good boy. Good. (PHONE RINGING) Buzzsaw police. Yes, I'd like to report
a stolen car, please. A stolen car? Could you hold,
please? My God,
what happened
to you? He was kidnapped
and his car was stolen and he was left naked
on the side of the road. Stop telling
stories, Marci. No, this time
it's true, Mom. Yes, this is
the stolen car. Well, what's so complicated
about a stolen car? (BARKING) Come on, Dudley. Well, I'll tell
you what to do.
You have a C.B.? Great. Call the county police,
ask them if
they found a car. (CURSING IN DISTANCE)
It's a silver
1990 BMW 750IL. License plate,
2-S-R-I-4-5-0. Yeah, I'll hold. He's been like this
since yesterday. He's having an affair.
This time I'm positive,
I think. Remember my friend Mandy
from the Junior League? Exact same thing happened
with her husband. Late work days
and mysterious hang ups. You don't know what it's
like to answer the phone and hear that
awful click again and again.
Click, click, click. Honey, I got some
business in town... Monkey business. Hello, Bill. How nice
to see you again. Hi, Peter. Listen,
I need to talk to you when you get
a chance, please. It's about Marci. Sure, sure, I see.
I'll try and make myself
available sometime. Hello? You found it?
Where? Excellent. Don't touch anything.
I'll be right there. MARCI:
Meanwhile, Bill found
his car, but not his walle. And the Buzzsaw police
were no help. In fact,
they were kind of weird. My wallet's gone. Right. Now you say
she kidnapped you? Kidnapped you and then
she took your car? You got to help me.
I got to get
that wallet back. See, the problem
here is that Sheriff Hawks
and Deputy Logan went
away for the weekend to Eureka for
the California State
Sheriff's Day Parade. And, see, I was hired
originally part-time just to do some
filing and light typing. Larry here...
It's my first day. It's his first day
as deputy, you see. And we said we would fill in
until they got back, but nobody said there
would be a kidnapping. I haven't even
been trained yet. BILL: You don't understand
how important this is. There's a caretaker's
phone number in the wallet. If I don't call him
by Friday, I've blown
a $140 million deal. Can you describe
the caretaker? What's with this town?
Is there somethin'
in the water? Not that I
know of, sir. Nobody said anything
about the water to us
except you just now. MAN: Sir? You need
a new oil pan. I jerry-rigged
a patch, but, uh... Okay, what are
you telling me? Just that we'll try, sir.
Definitely try. But that we are not
equipped to deal with
anything dangerous you know, like
a real crime or
anything like that. (GUN COCKS) Hello, Matty. Well, Mayor Van Der Haven.
That's a funny name. Dutch? Yes, as a matter
of fact it is. So, I guess you'll
be needing a little
traveling money. Yeah, $150,000. That's $10,000
for every year I spent
in prison for you, you son-of-a-bitch! MARCI: There was a witness
to this family reunion. Sally, who was trying to fd
her way through the woods and who was about toe
totally grossed out. Now there's no need
for threats, Matt. Just hold it right there. Oh, come, come, come, Matt.
I'm not like you. I don't carry a gun. I'm the mayor of Buzzsaw,
for Christ's sake. (GUNSHOTS) You always were
a liar and a cheat! No wonder you became
a politician! And a good one. PETER: Matt? Matt, now take it easy. Asshole! Matty, Matty, Matty. Don't be childish. Stay away from me! PETER:
You remember when Mom said
we'd kill each other someday? (CHUCKLES) She was right! Stay where you are! Ugh. Jenny, any luck
reaching that caretaker? No, I'm going crazy. I've called 500 numbers.
At this rate, I'm going
to be at it all week. You call all
the Jose Rodriguezes within
100 miles south of Oaxaca and I'll call all
the ones to the north. (SIGHS) Lights out, honey. It's already past
your bedtime. Oh, five more
minutes, Mom. Sorry, time's up. Oh, God, Marci,
where did you find this? No. This is going
down right now. But, Mom, I can't
sleep without that. You're just gonna have
to learn to, dear. Good night, honey. Good night, Mom. Hey, Matt.
Matt? My name's Peter
Van Der Haven.
Who are you? (SCOFFS) Don't give
me that crap, Matt. I figured you'd try
and double-cross me. (CHUCKLES)
You've got
the wrong man. Get off my property or
I'll call the police. Hey, four eyes.
I told you
not to... Well, that's very good.
That's very smart, Virgil. So, where's
the money? He didn't have it,
so I had to kill him. VIRGIL: Son of a bitch!
What are we supposed
to do now? MATT: I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do now. I'm gonna go into
that house and I'm gonna
become Peter Van Der Haven. And you are gonna lay low. And when the time comes,
you're gonna get
your 10 percent. Now get! Ten percent?
It's 50/50, Matt. Who the hell told you
your brother was the mayor
of Buzzsaw anyway, huh? Who told you? It was me! I'm the mayor of Buzzsaw,
and this is the new deal! Oh, no! No, Matt!
What are you doing? Bill! Bill!
Guess what? Peter's dead and his
twin brother killed him
and took his place! Hold on. Marci,
it's very late,
and I'm busy. And he killed
this other guy, too.
I saw it on my wall! I think you're
having a bad dream. No.
Yes, and you should
go to sleep. But...
We'll talk in the morning.
It's okay. Go ahead, go to sleep. Go to sleep. It's okay.
Good night. MARCI: As usual,
Bill didn't believe me and I didn't know
what to think. Maybe it was just
a bad dream after all. (MATT GRUNTING)
(BODY THUDDING) But the next morning,
I realized that it wasn't
a bad dream at all. There was a murderer
in the house, all righ. Oh, shit! Esta es la casa
de Jose Rodriguez. EsJose? Mmm, uh, mmm.
No. Gracias. Come to the dining room, Bill.
Breakfast is ready. Marci! (PHONE RINGING) Hello? Hello? Hi, Peter.
It's me, Melissa. This isn't Peter.
Just a second.
(DIAL TONE) Hello? It's her. It's that woman
who's always
hanging up on me. What did she say? Just, "Peter,
it's me, Melissa." Melissa? Huh,
I know her name now. Melissa.
Melissa the whore. You okay, Mom? MATT: Son-of-a-bitch!
(CRASHING) That's the second time
he's fallen this morning. Must've forgotten there's
a step in the bathroom. All this sex
is rotting his brain. (GRUNTING) Peter, why are you going
through my panties? I'm... I'm lookin'
for a tie. They're where
they always are. Right, where
they always are. Here. (THUDS) I thought you hated
Aunt Millie's tie. I changed my mind. (BARKING) Could you
call Marci? Marci. Marci! (WHISTLING TO DOG)
Hey, Marci! (WHISTLING) Bill, you got to
call the F.B.I. This is too big
for the police. Marci, do me a favor.
No F.B.I. till I've
talked to Peter, all right? Here, why don't you set
the table? Go ahead. All right,
set the table. (WHISTLING) Peter, we have
to talk about Marci. I don't think that
she's adjusting here. Maybe we should
have her put to sleep.
(WHISTLING) Hi. MARCI: The resemblance
was incredible. It was Peter
and it wasn't. Matt had a brutal,
kind of crazy
look in his eyes. I was really scared. But he fascinated me. That's my seat, Peter. Oh, sorry. MARCI:
Matt was a real monste. A murderer with
his barracuda smile. Mom, Dudley took
the high blood
pressure pill. (PHONE RINGING) It's probably for you. Will you pick up
the phone, Peter? (PHONE RINGING) Hi, Peter.
It's me, Melissa. Hi, Melissa. MELISSA:
Is your wife the?
Can we talk? Yeah, just a second.
It's Melissa. Hello?
(DIAL TONE) That was deliberate. I'm gonna go
to the police. I'm gonna try
to find this girl. Okay, what do you want?
Do you want a divorce? Uh, no. No, thank you.
Excuse me. Bill, Bill! Yeah, Marci? Peter's twin brother
went into the closet twice
instead of the bathroom and sat at the wrong seat
at the table and Dudley took
the high blood pressure pill. You remember when
you were on your
sci-fi kick, Marci? And you thought
the house in Oakland
was a landing spot for those creatures
from the planet Arkanon? It wasn't a landing
spot. It was where
they came to meet. Do you know the reason
that I never saw the
Arkanese space invaders? You really know
the real reason
that I never saw them? Why? Because I am from
the planet Arkanon. I am Arkanese,
and my mission is... No!
To tickle Marci! I am the official
Arkanese Marci tickler. You see? You see? He killed him.
Now he's gonna bury him. I'll make a deal with you.
I'm gonna follow him. If he's off to bury
his dead brother,
I'll give you a nickel. If not, you have to do
everything I tell you
for the rest of your life. That worked when
I was six years old. I'm not six years old anymore. Take it or leave it.
(STARTS ENGINE) Morning...
(GASPS) Hey, I just want
my wallet back. I just want
my wallet! What the hell's
goin' on here?
Slow down. Stay away from me! Just give me
back my wallet. Give me back my bat! Look, I'm not a thief.
When I found your wallet,
I mailed it to you. You found my wallet
in my pants that
you stole from me! I sent the pants too. I'm wearing the pants. Give him back his bat! (GRUNTS) (GROANS) Are you okay? Oh, shit.
(GROANING) Are you all right? (GRUNTING) Okay, fine. All right, you fat pig! End of the line! Not so smooth now, are you? Oh, oh, here... Have a cigar. You know what
I'm gonna do?
I'll tell ya. First, I'm gonna
bury you so deep,
nobody'll ever find you! Then I'm gonna 86 your family! And then you know
what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go to the bank
and take what's mine! What do you say to that? You bastard! (GLASS CRUNCHING) Aw, shit! (HALLELUJAHPLAYING) Hallelujah, hallelujah (GRUNTS)
Hallelujah, hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Hallelujah You sure you got
the right station? Yeah. Don't sound
like Iron Maiden. Hallelujah, hallelujah It's a live concert.
It sounds different live. Hallelujah, hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah I gotta piss, Jim. Hallelujah, hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Get outta here. I'm talkin' to you. I gotta take a piss and
you're not gonna watch me. Get outta here!
(SQUEAKS) Aagh! You queer,
bushy-tailed rat. (GRUNTS) Oh, shit!
Oh, shit! MARCI:
Meanwhile, Sally, who was
running away from Bill, didn't know she would
again have to face the
diabolical Matt Skearns. Excuse me, can you
give me a lift to... (GASPS) (GRUNTING) (PHONE RINGING) Hello?
BUCHENWALD: Bill... I'm on two lines. What's
the time frame look like? Um, good, Mr. Buchenwald.
Really good. Call as soon as
the papers are signed. Look, you gotta believe me!
Someone's trying to kill me. Please, he's right outside.
Start the car! I'll start the car if you
give me the wallet back. (SIGHS) Oh, no. No, no,
not this time! No, no, no. (GROANING) No, no, no. (EXCLAIMS) (MOANS) Okay. Okay. Where is it?
I don't have it! I don't believe you. Search me. You'd make a lousy cop. You missed a pocket. There's nothing in there. How do you know
unless you check? Ah! (GRUNTING) I'll take you to it
if you let me go! You bastard! Had enough? (GASPING) JIM SR: (SHOUTING) Jim! Jim! Jim! (ECHOING) Jim! Jim? (ECHOING) Jim? Is that me or you? JIM JR: Jim! Jim? Jim! Jim? JIM JR: Jim! Jim?
Jim! You're buried. I know!
Get me outta here.
I gotta piss! Okay. Just pull me out. (URINATING) Who's this? I don't know. Name's Jim. (SMIRKS) He's shit-faced. I know you're drunk,
but you... You gotta help us,
you gotta walk it off. Oh, he don't
want that, Jim. All right, let's go. Just put one foot
in front of the other. What foot am I
supposed to put in
front of the other? I'm talkin' to him. Jim, what's this? Oh!
Sorry. He dropped
his wallet. Look at this.
His name is Jose. Jose Rodriguez. No shit. There you go, Jose.
You hang on to that. Jim?
Yeah? Maybe Jose
needs a drink. Hey, let's go to Jed's. Jed's costs money. Well, look at him, Jim! I mean, Jose needs
a drink bad. Now you want to
kill him or something? No. All right, then.
Come on. Come on. (BOTH GRUNTING) One foot in front
of the other. (MUTTERING) JIM JR: He can't drive. You don't get
carsick now, do you? Turn him over.
Okay. Let me get
his legs up here.
Pull him in. Jose, don't touch
the steering wheel. Ready?
Yeah. Here we go to Jed's. (LAUGHING) (SWITCHING ON JUKEBOX) Hey, baby que paso? Hey. All right. Thought I was your only vato Hey, baby que paso? Three whiskeys. Hair of the dog. JIM JR: Hey.
JIM SR: Oh, hey. (LADIES LAUGHING) Hey, ladies.
Hi. Hey.
Hi. How are ya? JIM JR: I like them. Let's go dance, Jim. Please don't leave me
de ese modo Yeah. Hello,
Sheriff's Department? Yeah, this is Jed's Bar. Jim, he can't dance
or anything. Let go, Jose. JIM JR: Come on, sit up.
JIM SR: Sit up. Here, stick your legs
in there. There you go. You okay?
He's okay. (SEDUCTIVELY) HI. My name is Cindy. Come on, Jim. (MUSIC PLAYING) Hi!
Hey, get down. Hey, baby que paso? Oh, you don't
say much, do you? (CHUCKLING) Stop lookin' at me like that. You're makin' me feel funny. Come on,
baby turn around Shit, Jim.
He's doin' all right. (LAUGHING) To you, buddy. Hey, Jose!
Jose! And my corazon is real Hey, baby que paso? I don't see anything
wrong. Let's go. JED: No! There. There! JED: In the booth!
It's the mayor. Darren.
Oh, man. Mayor Van Der Haven. I must say I'm
a little surprised, sir. Mr. Van Der Haven? Mr. Van Der Haven? Hey, baby que paso? Please don't leave me
de ese modo He's dead. Oh, no. Oh, no! No, no. Oh, God! Oh, well, uh, we
were just talking. Thought I was your only vato Everybody freeze! Hey, baby que paso? (SOBBING) We're here. What's the...
What's the matter? My whole life's the
matter, that's what! Kind of an inescapable
problem, being who I am. (SOBBING) Don't do that.
Don't cry. I'm not crying! I can't even wipe my eyes. Okay. Take it easy. Ow. (TRASH CLATTERING) (TRASH CLATTERING) Okay, where is it? I don't know.
I threw it someplace. What's with this
crummy wallet anyway? My contact's phone number
is in the wallet, and if I don't reach her
by tomorrow in Mexico, I've blown a
$140 million deal. Shit. All right. If you found
a wallet in your house... And it didn't
belong to you, what would you do? I'd think it was a hat
and I'd wear it on my head. These guys are brothers
and they're both named Jim. The Jims? You know them? Oh. Oh, God. Okay, this is gonna
be a tough one. So, we have to
reorient ourselves. Now put yourself in
the other guy's shoes. So, I'm a Jim,
my name is Jim. I'm very, very stupid.
I wake up in the morning
and what do I do? You bump into things.
You trip over your own feet. After that. Get a beer. Get a beer. Okay, I've had
my beer. Now what? You have another one. After that.
Another one. After I've had all the
beer that I can drink. You have one more. You're pretty good at this. I'm thinking like a Jim. Hmm. Ugh! (FLIES BUZZING) Guess that's
where they keep
the dirty ones. (ANIMAL SQUEAKING) (KNOCKING) It's alive. Lemme outta here. No! (BOTH SCREAMING) (SQUEAKING) I'm gonna untie your hands. But you have to promise
not to beat the shit outta me. Okay. (RIFLE SHOT)
(GASPS) It's him. (RIFLE SHOT) What's going on? We're running
and he's shooting! (RIFLE SHOT) (RIFLE SHOT) (BOTH GRUNTING) (CELL PHONE RINGING) (PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
Oh! Ah! (SOFTLY) Hello? Oh, Mr. Buchenwald,
I can't talk right now. Yes, I'll call you if the...
When the papers are signed. (RIFLE SHOTS) (BIRDS CALLING) (BOTH PANTING) Who is that guy?
I don't know. It's a nightmare. Why does everybody
who sees you want
to shoot at you? One kissed me. (GROWLING) Oh, yeah, I know.
I'm starved too. That wasn't my stomach. (GROWLING) Don't panic! The worst
thing you can do is run. What should we do, then? Curl up and pretend
we're a piece of food? Just do as I say
and don't run. Run! Get him!
Get him! (INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER) What'd you do to Jose? What kind of a world
are we living in? (SIGHS) Just don't think
about it, Larry. One of us is gonna have to
break the news to the... Late mayor's widow. You stay here. I'll do it. I'll come with you. Guess we're stuck here
all night again, Jim. Shit! (CHUCKLING) Mom? Marci! If he's touched them,
I'll break his spine with my bare hands,
I swear to God. Here, stay here and
look out the window. If you see
anybody coming, yell. And I'll call the police. (PHONE RINGING) Who's that? Probably a wrong number. (PHONE RINGING) Then, maybe it's for us. (RINGING)
Maybe. Go to the Van Der Haven
house at the end of
Seaview Drive. Got that? Uh... well... yeah.
(DISCONNECTED TONE) Who was it? Wrong number. Oh. (CREAKING)
(DOOR CLOSING) Bill? (FLOORBOARD CREAKING) (SCREAMING) (MATT SNARLING) So, we meet at last. Okay, hang up on me now. Hang up on me now! Shame on you!
(GUN SHOT) Just stay right there! Get over there
and don't move! All right.
Take it easy. Are you gonna kill us and
cut us into little pieces? Everybody, shut up! Okay, kids, quiet down.
Your father's angry. Gimme the passbook.
The bank passbook! Here it is, Peter.
It was here all the time. All you had
to do was ask. The name's Matt.
Matt Skearns. You got what you want.
Your twin's dead. MATT:
Yeah, I got what
I want, almost. I did 15 years for a
murder he committed.
This money's mine! (DOORBELL RINGING) Get in there.
Go on. Go on! You, answer the door. Don't say anything
or you're dead. (DOORBELL RINGING) I'm very sorry to have to
bring you this very bad news. (MOUTHING WORDS) I regret to inform you
that your husband... (WHISPERING)
He's back from the dead! What seems to be
the matter? We just brought you
your effects. So much for the police. Aren't you gonna take
one of us hostage? They always take a hostage
in case something goes wrong. No hostages. You take one of us hostage
and lock the rest of us
in the basement. You go to the bank,
get the dough, come back
and ice the rest of us, cut us into little pieces
and stuff us in garbage...
Shut up. Shut up, Marci. How much money you gonna
get from the bank? 100,000?
200,000? Why don't you let me
make one phone call? You could have
a million dollars. (COCKS HAMMER) (DIAL TONE)
(TOUCH-TONE DIALING) (RINGING)
Bill Campbell's office. Jenny, I need you
to do something for me. Sell all our shares
of Atwater Tech. Then wire $1 million
to the First National Bank
of Buzzsaw. But...
No buts. Just do it. Yes, sir. We don't have any shares
in Atwater Tech. Transfer will take
about 15 minutes. Take me with you to the bank
and let everyone else go. You're not in any
position to make deals. Then shoot me. You're thinking I won't
care about my own life once I know that
my family's safe. Take a second hostage. You're thinking I can't watch
two hostages at the same time. Put the other hostage
in the trunk. Shut up, Marci. Thanks, kid. Okay, to the basement. Hi, Mr. Mayor.
This is Vincent. Piss off! Hello, Mayor. Hello, Mr. Mayor. Hi, Mr. Mayor. Mr. Mayor.
I thought you were speaking
at the Founder's Day Festival. I'll tell you what. Why don't you give
the speech for me? There should be a million
dollars wired here under
the name "Bill Campbell." (KEYS CLICKING) (BEEPING) I'm sorry, Mr. Mayor, we've
had no transaction like that. I don't think we've ever
had a transaction like that. (GRUNTING) (SCREAMING) Nobody move! All right, just
gimme what you got! It's me. (GRUNTING)
BILL: Okay, it's
gonna be all right. (GRUNTING) SALLY: Let me out of here! I gotta get help.
I'll be right back. Hurry! Push. No, it's further.
You gotta twist. Come on. Push, push. Jim? Jim?
Yep? I got 'em. Come on, Jim. You got it?
I'm gettin' it. Jim! You? You! I... Never mind. (SOBBING) (CHUCKLING) I'm back.
SALLY: Hurry! (GRUNTING) Hey, this your car? (STRAINING) Yes! This ain't your car. My father's car. Shit! Is this your son? Yeah. Damn! (TIRES SCREECHING) Hey! Get outta there.
That's my truck! Damn! Hey, that's my truck! (TIRES SCREECHING) (GASPING LOUDLY) (SIREN WAILING) (BOTH SCREAMING) (BOTH SCREAMING) (SIREN DRONING SLOWLY) LARRY: It's gonna charge. They always charge
when they see red! It's a cow, Larry. It's a cow. (TIRES SCREECHING) Oh! Okay.
(GRUNTING) Step over.
I can't! Here, try again.
Give me your hand. (SCREAMING) Jump! I can't! My foot's caught! My hands are slipping! (SCREAMING) I am falling! I got you. Wha... Oh, shit! (SCREAMING) (GRUNTING) Oh, God. (MUTTERING) They gotta
be down here somewhere. Jeez. You all right?
Yeah. Oh, God, it's over. (SIGHING) (CELL PHONE RINGING) Don't get it. (PHONE CONTINUES RINGING) Bill! You're always one
jump ahead, aren't you? Mr. Buchenwald. I'll never figure out
how you knew Daisy was a dog. Turns out they're
totally overextended. Brilliant stall tactics,
by the way. You saved us 140 million. Breakfast meeting, tomorro.
8:00, Riviera Bay Club. We're going for
Tactel Industries this time.
It may get bloody. (SIGHS) Bill? I can't make the meeting,
Mr. Buchenwald. (SHOUTING)
You can't make
the meeting? Did somebody make you
a better offer someplace else? I'm working on it. I'll top it! I'll top it!
I'll top it! (MUTTERING) Aha! (GASPING) MARCI:
So Matt joined his
twin brother in hell, and Bill and Sally
are getting married
in a few days. And my mom's a widow,
but she's very happy. And that's what I did
during my summer vacation. BOY: Wow, what a vacation! (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) See you tomorrow, children. BOY 1: What a story! BOY 2:
She's a good storyteller,
no matter what you say. BOY 1: You think it was true? BOY 2: Ah, it was true. What about the Jims? SALLY: So, what will
you do now? BILL: I don't know.
Maybe there's
an opening in Buzzsaw. Mayor of Buzzsaw? Well, it's a question
of reorientation. You know? (TIRES SCREECHING) Hop in. Come on. Where you headed? Buzzsaw. We can take you
right into town. We just gotta
tank up first. Y'all wanna come
tank up with us? Why not? SALLY: Good idea. All right. You guys by any chance
registered to vote? Hey, baby que paso? JIM JR: Hey, you
gotta go left here, Jim. Left. Left. JIM SR: Okay.
JIM JR: Yeah. Hey, baby que paso? Please don't leave me
de ese modo Come on, baby turn around Let me see your
pretty blue eyes Don't you know
that I love you Please don't leave me
de ese modo Hey, baby que paso? Thought I was your only vato Hey, baby que paso? Won't you give me un bes? Que paso, baby? I thout
I was your only vato What's happening here? Hey, baby que paso? Thought I was your only vato Hey, baby que paso? Please don't leave me
de ese modo Come on, baby turn around Let me show you how I fel Don't you know
that I love you And my corazon is real Hey, baby que paso? Thought I was your only vato Hey, baby que paso? Won't you give me un beso It's Freddy Fender! Hey, baby que paso? Thought I was your only vato Hey, baby que paso? (SLOW INSTRUMENTAL)