Pain & Gain (2013) Movie Script

I'm strong!
I'm big!
I'm hot!
I'm big!
Hey, where you going?
DANIEL: My name is Daniel Lugo.
And I believe in fitness.
ED". The events you are about to see
took place
in Miami, Florida, between
October 1994 and June '95.
Unfortunately, this is a true story.
DANIEL: We all start out equal,
little blobs of blood and muscle.
It's a setup of awesome potential.
Most people never
develop that potential.
- I knew early on I was not most people.
There you go. There you go!
Come on, big man.
Work it, baby. Come on!
Let's go!
Because if you're willing to do the work,
you can have anything.
That's what makes the US of A great.
When it started,
America was just a handful
of scrawny colonies.
Now, it's the most buff,
pumped-up country on the planet.
- That's pretty rad.
- (G R U N TS)
That's it?
- Work harder.
- Shit!
-(LAUGHS) Oh! Adrian's on the juice!
- Word up, DL!
Most people say
they want to look better.
Not everyone is willing
to do whatever it takes to achieve it.
All of my heroes are self-made.
Rocky, Scarf ace,
all the guys from The Godfather.
They all started out with nothing
and built their way to perfection.
The way to prove yourself
is to better yourself.
That's the American dream.
I have no sympathy
for people who squander their gifts.
It's sickening.
It's worse than sickening.
It's unpatriotic.
Greatest day of my life.
am I right?
I was never a big fitness guy.
I know it's important,
but you know what
I really don't like about weights?
What's that?
They're so heavy!
(CHUCKLES) Am I right?
Can you lift this?
I spot people for a living,
when you get right down to it.
Gives the client security
and a little extra help
to push themselves harder.
To me, a cigarette boat was a thing
drug dealers had, you know?
But we got it anyway. Cost a fortune.
Named her Puppy Luv.
L-U-V. But when I'm out on it,
depending on the day, I either fantasize
I'm a drug smuggler eluding the DEA,
or I'm the DEA
chasing after a drug smuggler.
(GRUNTS) I'm turning into a stud here.
You get any exercise currently?
Eh... Besides shtupping?
I got a three mil McMansion
next to a private jogging path,
but it's all homos and housewives.
You spend most of your day at a desk?
You know that Schlotzsky's Deli
near the airport'?
That's mine.
NO kidding? Oh, I like that place.
I never kid, Yudo.
- Lugo.
- Yeah.
We make a nice sandwich, Lugy.
You ever try our oven-toasted
roast beef and cheese?
- Give an anorexic an appetite.
- What else do you do?
Do some stock trading, real estate.
Own a few greyhounds for racing.
But for some crazy reason,
I'm proudest of the sandwiches.
I hang at the house.
Got a hot Cuban housekeeper
makes a waffle don't
even need maple syrup.
I'm a self-made man, Dennis.
And my self is not ashamed to
say it's made a lot of money.
Maybe your self
ought to spend some of it on a salad.
You know who invented salad?
Poor people.
DANIEL: This all began because
it was time to push myself harder.
To maximize results.
And I was tired of clients petting me.
Shit, otherwise
I was looking at another 40 years
of wearing sweatpants to work.
BARBARA ANN: And that was it!
He just dumped me by phone.
DANIEL: That's cold!
It makes you question
the whole relationship.
DANIEL: You set high goals for yourself
and nail every one.
But the hardest thing
about changing yourself
is changing how other people see you.
Being a personal trainer
is just that. Personal.
I'm not going to lie.
When a client doesn't
feel the same way,
it hurts.
What next?
Well, I mean, if you wanted,
you know, if it seems
like it would be fun to you,
maybe we could go for a drink
or a dinner or a coffee or water.
I meant what exercise is next.
DANIEL: ll' really fucking hurts.
(LAUGHING) I know that!
I was joking. Come on!
Daniel! I see you got some new meat.
What have I always said, John?
The key to repeat business...
ls new business. You cannot build
a muscle mecca without muscle.
Well, I want to turn this place
into an internationally renowned mecca.
- What do you bench?
- Squat?
- More like five.
Why should I hire you?
You have a lot of elderly members, sir.
I want to pump
some new blood into this place.
That pool's a very slippery surface
and that elderly woman
with the shower cap,
she looks like she's going to croak
right there in the pool, sir.
And Gold's is going to crush you.
If I don't triple your membership
in three months, I will quit.
Triple it in three months.
That's pretty ambitious.
I read a lot of biographies, sir.
And the one thing that unites great men
is their reach always
exceeds their grasp.
One thing...
I recently had some trouble with the law.
They call Florida "God's waiting room,"
all the half-dead senior citizens
turning brown on the beach.
Shit, you ask me, that's kind of mean.
I like older people.
They're very generous.
So, you really guarantee
I can triple
my investment in three months?
Well, if I didn't, would I have
put my name on the company?
Let me confer with my partner.
Are they good?
- You're approved.
You know, I get so much joy
from making people money.
I'm going to make
you guys a lot of money.
You have such beautiful hair.
Look at those eyes. Wow!
I, Daniel Lugo, hereby
acknowledge my guilt.
I know what I did was wrong
and there is no substitute for hard work.
And I am a hard worker!
And it will never happen again.
For I used my superior intelligence
for wrong actions to justify a good end.
And that was wrong.
And, if you let me,
I believe I can learn from my mistakes
and I believe I can help others
to realize that there is
no shortcut to the American dream.
This is America, land of the brave
and home of the second chances.
That's my one ask,
that you give me a second chance
and allow me to go free today.
JUDGE: Guilty.
I know I'm guilty. That's what I said
in the beginning of my statement.
I said, "I'm guilty."
But what about my second chance?
That's nothing. Welcome aboard.
Thank you, sir. I will not disappoint you.
DANIEL: Three weeks after I signed on,
Sun Gym did triple its membership.
I'ma make you Kobe beef, baby.
One more!
I gave free body waxing
for everybody at sign-up.
It was kind of disgusting.
You have to do whatever it takes
and have no fear.
Ooh. Wow. Bushy.
You want to trim that thing
down a little bit?
I even came up with genius.
Free membership
for strippers. Delicious.
Boosted membership 75%
within two months.
Look like a big sirloin steak, baby!
I like that!
I did make it a muscle mecca.
I made it a destination.
John was rolling in the cash.
He started reading Fortune magazine.
And he recognized my value.
I made Senior Fitness Coordinator
by Christmas.
Perks included.
'Cause that's how it works.
You give and you get back.
Oh, bills suck.
Rolled out into a money magnet.
I'm living the American dream.
Take notes and HI tell you the secrets
of living the dream!
Does your life suck balls?
Are you a hot mess?
Do you ever look in your mirror
at home and ask,
"Why me?" Well, go to Jonny Wu's
Golden Dream seminar
at the Jupiter Ballroom
and you'll find out how to be a do-er!
DANIEL: l got to say,
it felt great to be doing so awesome.
- What is that stink?
- What stink?
You smell like a Cuban stripper.
My niece gave it to me for Christmas.
It's called "Vanilla Fella."
Oh, well, it's unsettling
while I sweat here.
So, you make decent coin in this place?
We do fine.
Shoots out your ass in taxes
though, right'? (GROANS)
Hey, if you're smart, you do what I do.
Incorporate offshore.
The Bahamas
don't exactly sweat your paperwork
and the IRS can't touch it.
You have any money here in the States?
(LAUGHS) Of course!
My offshore stuff is just
a rainy day fund, margarita money.
You should meet my accountant,
he's a friggin' miracle man.
Maybe I will.
Oh, you're a Maybe Guy!
(SIGHS) I misjudged.
I had you figured for
a Definitely Guy, Damien.
Sorry. Lugo. Lugo.
DANIEL: Victor had a point.
I mean, he was an asshole,
but he had a point.
Michael Corleone didn't
become the Godfather by folding towels.
He did it by keeping a gun behind
the toilet and knowing what he wants.
And I know it might sound strange,
I just want a big fat lawn
that I can mow until the sun goes down.
That baby's 20% off!
Well, if I believe I deserve it,
the universe will serve it, right?
What, you never heard that before?
No, jackass.
Yeah, that's why
you're working at Sears, bro!
Easy, fella, or I'll kick your ass.
What is that? Is that a bug?
There's a bug! Do you read English?
Yeah? Puta? Bitch? Right?
Between the "B" and the "I."
You migrant workers suck!
DANIEL: When I was young,
there was a rich kid
lived two blocks over.
Little prick had a new bike
every Christmas.
VICTOR: Your asses are looking great!
And his parents took him on vacations
to places like Paris and France.
I mean, I didn't hate him.
I just thought it'd be cool to see France.
But I knew that
wasn't ever going to happen
unless I did something about it.
- Let's go, set...
Yo, what's going on, DL?
You've been unfocused all day, man.
You ever just get tired
of being where you are, Adrian?
No. I kind of like it here.
I mean, the weights are new...
I mean in life, man!
Where you are in life.
I mean, look at us, man.
We're like Superman.
(GRUNTING) I mean, come on!
Don't you think we deserve better?
'Cause I do.
Hey. Yo.
ADRIAN: Man, I do, too.
DANIEL: Then fucking act like it, man!
Come on!
That's why when these 'roids kick into
this chocolate mass, baby,
I'ma be unstoppable!
I ain't making no more tacos!
I ain't cleaning up after nobody tacos!
I'm putting my beef in their tacos, baby!
Everybody gonna eat some of this!
That's what I'm talking about.
I was like you.
You work hard.
You do what you're told.
And what does life serve you?
A shame sandwich
with a side order of shit!
You deserve better!
Every person in America
is either a do-er, or a don't-er.
A do-er or a don't-er.
And if I can get you
to learn one thing today,
one take-home point,
it would be this.
Don't be a don't-er.
Do be a do-er.
I had a wife, two beautiful daughters.
A perfect partner.
Thank God I left her!
Now I'm with seven honeys
of which I can choose from.
DANIEL: Oh, my God.
This guy understands me.
Well, it's simple.
I don't know
why God gave us 1O fingers,
because we's only gonna need three.
Get a goal. Get a plan.
And get up off your ass!
Which one are you, playboy?
No, someone else sitting in your seat.
Come on, which one are you?
I'm a do-er?
Is that a question?
I'm a do-er.
What is this, Valentine's Day?
Say it like you want to hunt it, skin it
and mount its head on your wall!
- I'm a do-er!
- What?
- I'm a do-er!
-(YELLING) Yeah!
- I'm a do-er!
- Let's do it!
- I'm a do-er! I'm a do-er!
- ALL: (CHANTING) Do-er!
- I'm a do-er!
- ALL: Do-er! Do-er! Do-er!
- I'm a do-er!
I'm a do-er!
DANIEL: He singled me out
and gave me my own
private training session.
I will make him proud.
- I wish I had a camera.
- All right.
Get the bitches on the boat.
Okay? We got to go.
Get the bitches on the boat.
We got to 9!
I'm a do-er with a three-finger plan.
Finger one, find a guy with money.
Finger two,
make him give you everything he owns.
Finger three,
make America a better place.
Leave the guy broke and clueless
as to who made him that way.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
'Cause that's
some straight-up gangsta shit.
- Why do you want to do this?
ADRIAN: She's out of your league, bro.
Adrian, you're fucking magnificent.
You walked in that door,
you were 28% body fat,
you wanted to be six.
I gave you that.
You want to be two, I will give you that.
You deserve that.
You want to be a monument
to physical perfection?
You want to be a shrine?
You should be!
You wanted change, right?
All you got is change in that fanny pack.
Is that what you want?
When's the last time
you paid your rent when it was due?
When's the last time you took one of
those plump bitches out to dinner
and didn't sweat them ordering dessert?
You love those big bitches.
And they love to eat.
It's okay. That's important!
But this being broke shit's
got to stop, man.
You need some money
to go with that body, man.
DANIEL: Adrian loved the idea.
Hey, that guy wants a job.
Will you interview him?
But to implement a plan of this intensity,
we needed to secure another operative.
Where'd you do your time, pal?
Up north.
Club Fed Correctional. White collar.
I learned a lot. It's all businessmen.
Hey, how many grams of protein
do you eat?
How you fixed for a job now?
(SIGHS) Well, it's not good.
It's kind of hard when you got a record.
I know.
It doesn't feel real good
when Mickey D's tells you
you're not even good enough
to make the French fries.
We all make mistakes.
Doesn't mean we have
less right to a piece of the pie.
Amino acids after you work out
or before?
So you do it with smoothies,
like, fruit smoothies,
-or just, like, soy milk?
- What?
Don't mind him. What were you in for?
Know why habit rhymes with rabbit?
'Cause your whole life
disappears down a bunny hole,
while you grow long sensitive ears
to better hear the sound
of sirens coming for you.
Lucky for me, I got saved.
Saving all of God's creatures
was my special mission.
You know, the Son of God
knew how to just say no.
I guess you could say
He's my role model.
Why Miami?
It was warm. It had beaches.
And I didn't have
any warrants in Florida.
Chaplain at Attica said Pastor Randy
had been down the habit road himself,
so he'd help me.
Curfew is 9:00 on weekdays,
10:00 on weekends.
I've been there, dude.
If you want to rap,
my door is always open.
I like to rap. You'll
find me very friendly.
Just come in any time. Any time at all.
I'm just Randy, man.
PAUL: Daniel was really encouraging
about my self-improvement.
- And I needed a friend.
- Oh! (LAUGHS)
Hadn't really had a friend since Ma died.
What do you think,
you want to go get a beer?
I'm sober.
That's a good thing.
"A beer" is only an expression.
Let's go get something to drink,
-hang out.
- Okay.
Make some noise
for the great Sorina Luminita!
This is Solid Gold, Miami.
ADRIAN: Hey, is that breast milk?
- What?
- Is that breast milk?
- Why would that be breast milk?
-'Cause this is.
Listen. You take this,
you put it in there
and you got the real HGH.
I'm talking about a steroid shake!
I got this pregnant chick I buy it from.
She real clean, too.
- No.
- No, no, no, for real.
She just got her tests and everything.
Oh, my. You ever suck
a pregnant woman Rie'?
Oh, my God!
This is so good! Come on, try some.
It'll make you great, man!
You already big,
but you could be bigger, you know?
I'm big! I'ma be swolled, though.
Walk sideways through doors.
You want some?
We could be tittie brothers.
(LAUGHS) Yeah!
I'm going to go with "no."
- Excuse me.
- What you...
Now I'm the guy at the bar?
Fine, keep my breast milk to myself.
Hey, Paul? What do you think of Sorina?
Wow, she's... Exactly.
She's perfect!
And we thought
we were gonna have to cast in London.
Please, tell me again
about this movie you're making.
No, it's not a movie, baby,
it's a music video.
But big budget. Sets, cars, Eiffel Tower.
It's going to be amazing.
Tell Sorina about the song, Paul.
She's very excited.
Enrique is our... ls our lead singer.
And he falls in love
with a beautiful woman.
- Me?
- You're the leading lady!
Yes, of course!
And he follows
this beautiful woman, you,
all the way to London.
SONNA: It all started in Transylvania.
I was Miss Bucharest.
Ludimila Draganesti is a whore!
She show her vageena
to the stupid judge.
I knew the only place
a woman like me could be appreciated
was in United States.
After all, it was the land of opportunity.
- Good bye!
- I saw Pretty Woman.
All Julia Roberts had to do
was show Richard Gere her pvsda
and she got a shopping trip
to Beverly Hills.
My msda was so much nicer than hers.
Then I met Daniel.
He had that can-do spirit.
Yes! Bang me harder!
The car...
My American dream
was finally coming true.
That was great!
PAUL: You can't just kidnap a guy
and take his things!
You can't do that. That's so illegal.
DANIEL: Yes, we can.
We're do-ers. Do-ers do.
I can't do right now.
I just got out of prison.
DANIEL: That's fear, Paul.
- All right. Good night, babe!
- Bye.
Do you know what fear is?
False Evidence Appearing Real?
That's a Jonny Wu line!
False Evidence Appearing Real.
You know Jonny Wu, too?
I don't know anything
about an Asian guy.
That's an AA line.
AA started in 1935, Akron, Ohio.
And I want no part of this.
You're on your own.
- We're gonna do this. Yeah.
- We're not gonna...
- You're gonna do this with us.
- I'm not.
It's gonna be fun.
You sure know how to pick 'em, DL.
Dude's a freak of fucking nature.
Ought to put a fence around him.
ADRIAN: I'd do anything for Danny Lugo.
He was my boy.
As good to me as anyone ever was.
He was a big-hearted motherfucker
who I knew only had my best in mind.
But the shit he was poppin'?
This daffy plot he had percolating?
I'd never been a crimer.
Ain't never had a reason to be.
Come on!
Goddamn! My shit stopped working.
Then all of a sudden, I had a reason.
Mr. Doorbal,
are you currently using steroids?
No, ma'am.
Really? When's
the last time you injected?
Uh, Monday?
Yesterday. Okay. Um...
I'm just going to put down "using."
I threw them all out.
I think they messed me up.
Hmm. It's okay.
You probably just
have Defeated Phallus Syndrome.
We, like, treat it here all the time.
But don't worry, we can change all that.
It's what we specialize in here.
Penis magic. (CLICKS TONGUE)
It took a lot of balls to come in here.
More like Raisinets.
At least yours are
chocolate-covered Raisinets.
Uh... Oh.
Sorry. It's just I find nothing sexier
than a big black man in tears.
I love me some rain on the African plain.
I hope your girlfriend
knows just how lucky she is.
She would know if she existed,
but she doesn't exist, so...
I guess she don't know.
I just got a flash
of us together on a water slide.
It's a steroid-induced impotence.
But with a shot of an engorgital
right into your penis,
you will return to those
beautiful, robust erections
of your high school days.
You do remember
your high school days, don't you?
Hell, yeah! (CHUCKLES)
I used to have
a nickname for my di... I mean, penis.
I used to call him Ernesto.
I used to call my vag Michelle. What?
Just leave it up to me and
I'll have Ernesto up
in high gear in no time.
Those injections expensive, Doctor?
They come with a price.
PAUL". I was trying so hard to be good.
But there was so much
temptation in Miami.
You should take a break.
Oh, thanks, Father.
This Miami heat is really crazy.
Wow, the way your sweat's
glistening off your muscles...
You know, Jesus said,
"Come to me, all who are weary,
"and I will give you rest."
I can give you rest, Paul.
You're so buff.
Why was he telling me I was buff?
Hey, buddy!
Thanks for coming.
I've been thinking a lot
about what you said.
Things aren't working out too good
at the church.
PAUL". {just snapped.
- I almost killed him.
- Don't sweat that, Paul.
We go through with this,
nobody gets hurt, right?
Physically hurt? (LAUGHING) No, man!
This is a straight-up kidnapping,
that's all!
It's like a snatch-and-grab.
Very simple.
We snatch him, we grab him,
he signs a few signatures,
we give him a protein shake
and we show him the door.
He doesn't even know what happened!
He thinks he made a deal!
- Right?
- Huh.
Listen. I watch a lot of movies, Paul.
I know what I'm doing.
This is the shit, man!
Adrian, put those down, will you?
Sorry, gentlemen. Police use only.
Tampa PD, brother. It's okay.
In that case, I need to see badges.
We're, uh, retired. Off the, uh...
Off the job.
And now we're doing security for a, um...
For a rock group called, uh, Stryper,
- I don't know if you've heard...
-(CHUCKLES) Oh, I've heard...
Never again will an oppressor
BOTH". Overrun my people!
For now I'm keeping watch!
- That's the gospel, yeah!
And people say Christian rock sucks.
Who says that?
Yeah, who?
Nobody. I mean, well,
fucking assholes do.
Huh. Oh...
You know, I, uh,
I actually thought that Stryper broke up.
They're actually having a reunion tour
(STAMMERING) in Jerusalem.
(GULPS) Ooh!
And they need extra security.
Look, we wish
we didn't have to go there, but, uh,
but as you know,
it's not the world we live in now, brother.
So true. Hmm.
So, what can I do you for?
We're looking for merchandise
to shock, incapacitate
and imprison our fellow man.
Okay, seriously,
you're gonna love this, all right?
I've done it before,
so come on. Just hit me.
Come on, just hit me, hit me!
Come on, do it!
Hit me! Hit me!
DANIEL: That moment,
I knew I assembled the right crew.
Doyle and Doorbal,
stone-cold ballers from the old school.
Now, test phase.
The best way
to do a human extraction like this,
in a location like this,
would be through the water,
but we don't have a boat,
so we're going in by land.
We're gonna hit the bushes
and get to blue point two
within five seconds.
Here we get a clear view
of our entry point.
PAUL". Danny was a mastermind!
We hit him in the house
as soon as possible,
bring him out
right through the front door,
through the bushes and back to the van.
Delta Force could do a mission
like this in probably 53 seconds.
But with our athletic superiority,
we should be able to do it
in about 40. All right?
One problem. He's got a live-in maid,
so if she's there,
we knock her out on the way out.
ADRIAN: I knew Danny was
making most of this shit up.
But it didn't matter.
We were going to be fucking rich.
ADRIAN: He's having Shabbat!
Oh, shit. Go, go, go, go, go!
DANIEL: Mission abort! Mission abort!
PAUL: We're gonna get caught!
We're gonna get caught!
DANIEL: Mission abort!
Mission abort! Mission abort!
PAUL: I don't want to go back to prison!
DANIEL: Block him in.
Gotta jump off the back,
we snatch him.
PAUL: I honestly don't know
how he figures this stuff out.
DANIEL: Here. Ninja.
That's your suit right there.
- Green bug.
- ADRIAN: No, man.
Are you serious?
- Yeah.
- How does he get to be a ninja?
Eagle is on the move.
He's carrying a big bag of charcoal.
White shorts.
He's coming to us.
Prepare to neutralize the target.
Come on, come on, come on.
PAUL: Shit, he's coming, he's coming!
DANIEL: Come on, come on, come on!
Hurry up! Hurry up!
Go, go, go, go, go!
Get him! Get him! Get him!
What the hell?
Ass wipe!
- Did you get him?
- Prick.
- DANIEL: Where is he?
- Fucking maniac.
ADRIAN: What the fuck?
He was right here!
PAUL: Where'd he go? You see him?
DANIEL: Where the hell is he?
You've got to be fucking kidding me!
- PAUL: There he is!
- Fuck!
You got the wrong BMW?
PAUL: It's two exact BMW's!
I told you to check the license plate!
It was an honest mistake!
Yo, we thought it was the same car.
It looks exactly the same.
I told you, M98305 "Miami Bitch"!
Is that too hard?
- It was an honest...
- DANIEL: Fuck that!
Fuck you!
I can deal with his impotence,
I cannot deal with your incompetence!
What the fuck?
You were a bit of
a disappointment today.
You're reassigned to Eagle's Nest.
Tomorrow we get our prize.
God damn m (GROANING)
There's this crazy new thing
called "hygiene."
Look at yourselves! You handle food.
What are we talking here, herpes?
Don't they feed you at home,
chunky trunks, huh?
And can we stick a smidge of pastrami
in the sandwiches, just for the novelty?
Fucking Pimple and Blimpie here.
What the fuck do you want?
What is this about?
Who the fuck are you?
Do these tasers rock or what?
- What do you want?
- You gonna call home.
You gonna tell your baby mamacita
she gonna take the kid and go
home to Colombia, immediately!
And she tells no one.
Especially la policia.
Because if she does,
that's a big fucking
problem for you, man.
- MAID: Hello? Kershaw residence.
- No, no,
just get Mrs. Kershaw.
She's at her tennis lesson.
She's not there! She's not home!
ADRIAN: Tell her to get her,
you piece of shit!
DANIEL: You knocked him out, man!
What the fuck did you do that for?
- Put the fucking thing away!
- Okay, okay.
I need to read the manual.
You don't fucking need it anymore.
Here. You take it.
Eagle's Nest, it's coming in hot.
Rat's in the cage. Over. Patriot Two?
Patriot Two?
Roger that, Patriot One. Uh...
Didn't you say that
your friend kept athletic supplies
here in his warehouse?
DANIEL: Do we have to
have this conversation now?
Over. What's the issue?
I'm looking at a lot
of homo stuff right now, Patriot One.
A lot.
Oh, such a fucking moron!
Patriot Two, we're a little busy here.
Come on, man.
PAUL". It was what I thought it was.
Target time in five seconds,
four, three, two, one.
Open the frickin' gate, man!
PAUL: These things were weird,
but amazing.
DANIEL: Open the F-ing gate,
Patriot Moron Two.
DANIEL: Out, now!
Cover him up.
VICTOR: Please!
ADRIAN: Shut up!
My grandfather ed Germany in 1943.
I was born in Bogota',
grew up in New York City.
Put myself through college
working six nights a week at Pizza Hut.
Busted my ass,
but ended up comptroller
of a billion dollar pipeline
in the rectum of the Third World.
I put up with shit
they don't have names for in civilization.
Funny, I left South America because
there was too much kidnapping.
That's what you cal! irony.
But if they think a little
slapping around's gonna break me,
they don't know Victor Pepe Kershaw.
Somebody want to tell me
what the hell is going on here?
I struggle, Vic. I wake up each day
and I try to live
a life dedicated to self-improvement.
To finding a personal path
that allows me
to employ my special gifts.
Like tying guys to chairs
and sticking pliers up their nose?
You shut your mouth
while the man's talking!
(WHISPERING) You got to be quiet,
Victor. Like a mouse.
I see guys like you my whole life.
You roll into this country, and America,
she just spreads her pretty cheeks.
Meantime, native sons
born of the red, white and blue
are left broken,
snuffling for your crumbs!
You're broke, you dumb shit,
because you never went to college.
Thereby guaranteeing
you were going to spend
the rest of your life
obsessing over pectoral muscles.
Why'd you say that?
Why'd you say that, you piece of shit,
about pectoral muscles?
Fucking tell me now!
- What's going on?
- DANIEL: What's going on?
What's going on is
this dude seems to think
he knows who the fuck I am!
No, I don't, I don't.
Tell me why the fuck you said that!
Well, you're going to fucking tell me!
You're going to fucking tell me now!
VICTOR: No, I don't... I don't know.
- Come on, man.
- DANIEL: Fuck that.
- Tell me.
- No!
DANIEL: I don't know
if you realize this, Victor,
but you're not going
anywhere anytime soon.
You're going to tell me.
Get him up! Now!
- Get him up!
Your cologne, Danny.
Your stinky, awful, vanilla,
disgusting cologne.
VICTOR: As soon as I said it,
I knew I'd sealed my fate.
My goddamn half-Colombian,
half-Jew temper.
Killing me is not going to
give you job skills, Danny.
I don't just want everything you have.
I want you
not to have it.
What are we gonna do now?
What do you mean,
"What are we gonna do?"
We're doing it.
Everything's under control.
You better fucking man up.
We're gonna make some phone calls.
You hear me, Victor?
PAUL". This was supposed to be easy.
Yes, you've reached the office
of Victor Pepe Kershaw.
I'm not in to take your call right now,
because I'm being held hostage
by a bunch of fucking body...
...Kershaw. I'm not in
to take your call right now.
Please leave a message at the tone...
And for God's sake, help me!
My asshole trainer, Daniel...
Okay. it won't happen again.
I understand.
- Please leave a message
and a designated representative
-will get back to you.
Gentlemen, it's me. Listen closely.
Rabbi Melman, Gut Yontiff. (GRUNTS)
(STAMMERING) I'm fine.
I just banged my shin.
Take the kid to your parents
until I can get this worked out.
And not a word to the police,
baby, okay?
Not one word.
I don't need a secretary anymore.
Okay, you're fired!
There's some complex engineering
in these things.
No necesita...
You know, to clean Ia casa.
Jack... It's very simple.
I've fallen in love with a younger woman
and we're relocating to San Juan.
I know. .. (GROANS)
Okay, take care.
DANIEL: All right, we're good here.
Patriot Two, you got first watch.
- First watch?
DANIEL: Uh-huh.
- I got to watch him?
- Yeah.
- We're gonna be alone?
- We're gonna rotate.
I got to go to work!
We got to keep up appearances.
What do you want me to do?
DANIEL: Keep an eye on him.
- He's crying!
- That's okay, he'll stop.
JOHN: Late three times in a row.
DANIEL: Tiffany, did my 11:00 call?
Mr. Kershaw?
He didn't call, Mr. Lugo.
You know, call me crazy.
I don't know... My body's top priority.
Everything was falling into place.
VICTOR: (YELLING) Anybody here?
I need a drink!
I need a drink!
Urn... Somebody!
PAUL: Uh...
We don't keep spirits here.
And I'm sober.
VICTOR: No shit!
- Me, too.
- You are?
So cool. Praise Jesus!
Got my chip and everything.
That was a proud moment.
(SIGHS) You should be proud.
There you go.
You know, when I was in prison,
I was clean for nearly a year.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
But a week before I got sprung,
I had a little pruno slip.
- Huh?
- Pruno is prison wine.
I made the best pruno in the yard.
You know what?
Maybe the real reason I'm here
is to help you
get through another day sober.
- That's heavy.
- It really is. I know.
It truly is.
I'm sorry about all this. Everything.
Oh, no, no. It's okay.
Shit happens. Forget it.
(STUTTERING) But really,
maybe I was sent as a reminder.
Do you believe in that stuff?
Higher power stuff?
I live it.
You think I could get another one
of those Taco Supremes?
Sure. There you go. We'll switch.
Oh, yeah. Oh, baby. (CHUCKLES)
- They're even better cold.
- You must be so hungry.
- Mmm.
You are so much nicer
than the other two.
(CHUCKLES) Ah, they're sweet guys.
You just don't know them yet.
But thank you for the compliment.
See, the simple fact
that you are defending them
suggests that
you are nicer than they are.
I'm just saying.
You're a Jew, right?
Yes, I am.
You have a problem with that?
I think I can help you.
That would be great!
That would be great.
How? I mean, how so?
Victor, do you accept Jesus Christ
as your personal savior?
I do.
- That felt great.
How did you do that?
I have a gift.
It's a gift.
(MUFFLED) You're good.
DANIEL: Busy day!
- Wake him up.
- Get up!
Oh, yeah... Look at that...
Get some paper towels, damn it!
If there's pee on the policy,
they'll think
he's incontinental and flag it!
It's not "incontinental,"
you moron. It's "incontinent."
You really are
a brilliant criminal mind, Lugo.
Well, I'm smart enough
not to be the one cuffed to a couch,
about to get cleaned the fuck out.
This one's gonna require
your signature. Bing!
(GRUNTING) No fucking way.
PAUL: I know you can't see me, Victor,
but I have a look
of suspicion on my face.
What's there to be suspicious about?
I would like to call you Eldad.
In Hebrew, it means
"Beloved of God."
Would that be okay, my friend?
I would be honored, Victor.
PAUL". Pepe was my second friend.
ADRIAN: It's my shift, bro. Go home.
Go to church or whatever you do.
It's my torture chamber now.
DANIEL: Doyle was taking
extra shifts with Kershaw.
And, yes, it was getting my attention.
DANIEL: Sorina, you home?
What the hell are you doing?
Trying to see who you really are.
A big music video director
does not need
these glasses that see in the dark!
I don't want you going through my stuff.
Okay? These are not toys.
Big director driving your pussy-ass Fiero
with the Scooby-Doo seats!
I need you to sit down right now
and listen very carefully.
You know where I've been all day?
I've been at headquarters
in Langley, Virginia.
I haven't been truthful with you,
and, believe me, it hurts.
You have got to understand my work.
I'm in the CIA.
Now, good men have died
to keep what I just told you a secret.
CIA? Like the CIA-police CIA?
Those goggles,
they're government issue,
and, I guess in a way, so am I.
(GASPS) CIA, Daniel?
- That is so hot!
- No, no, no, no, no.
It's better you hear it all.
L... (SIGHS)
I mean, I've seen things, okay?
Done things.
One time in Hong Kong,
I had to live for a week in a tree.
No food, no bathroom, no nothing.
You poor, poor baby! I am so sorry!
Do you know, this is the real reason
I approached you.
- Me?
- Yes.
You think you can handle
being an operative?
Oh, my God, Daniel, yes!
I'll do anything!
You know my associate, Paul?
- The big guy?
- Yeah, the weird guy?
Yeah. You're gonna
have to work close with him.
This is my adopted country.
I'll die for it.
Daniel, did you ever catch a spy girl?
And then maybe
you have to be spanking her.
Yeah, and calling her dirty,
Commie-sucking whore.
Whatever it takes.
"...which has been trading
on the NYSE since 1972."
New York Stock Exchange.
Oh. I'm from New York.
All right, next... (CLEARS THROAT)
I can read to you about the Unabomber.
Damn it! Why'd you make me
do that to you, Victor?
I have responsibilities!
Jesus Christ Himself
has blessed me with many gifts!
One of them is knocking
someone the fuck out!
Pepe, you okay?
It's Eldad.
Hello, James Bond.
Why so sad?
I had to hurt a man today.
- Wow.
- I didn't want to,
'cause I like him.
But he forced me to.
Look, in your line of work,
people do get hurt.
- Okay.
- Danny tells me I'm with you now.
We work together, we play together.
For king and country.
Playing together sounds good.
Very good.
I still have no idea
what you're talking about right now.
Oh, it's okay. I know who you are.
Well, you should, 'cause we've met.
Tell me about the playing again?
I woke up this morning
in a state of excitement,
lap dancing the day away.
PAUL". It's like the Bible says...
You give and you get back
a hundredfold.
And then some greasy pudge-bunny
comes and takes it all away.
Me and the lady
were having a conversation.
You should never wear yellow, pal.
Little kids might think you're
a school bus and climb on for a ride.
PAUL". His name was Frank Griga
and he was the third richest man
in Golden Beach.
I didn't know any of that then.
All I knew was that he was a douche.
DANIEL: We were three weeks in
and Victor wasn't breaking.
- You got a racing dog, huh?
- Mmm-hmm.
Hey! So, Mr. Kershaw
sold you Tasty Reuben?
Yep. Tasty Reuben's all mine now.
Let's try something new.
This one, I think,
is gonna be a fan favorite.
- You ready to sign now?
DANIEL: The guy was fierce.
ADRIAN: Ha! Come on, come on!
Hey, baby!
Where did you get that dog?
I got somebody here
that wants to meet you!
(LAUGHING) Oh, my God, I love him!
VICTOR: Lugo, you can get my life,
but you can't have my shit!
All I wanted was a little effort, baby.
Eat me, Doogie.
He never worked this hard in the gym.
But I did. I break guys for a living.
- Are you ready to sign now?
- Fuck you!
Take him around again.
I hate you.
Thanks, buddy.
Good. Good. Hmm.
Is... Is there a problem?
No, there shouldn't be a problem.
It's just that
all of these transfer documents,
they need to be witnessed
by a notary public.
Well, can't you do that?
We'd be delighted.
We just need you and Mr. Kershaw
to sign the documents
in the presence of our notary.
But Mr. Kershaw is overseas
in Europe saving elephants.
So, you can just... It's okay.
Well, around here,
we call that a problem.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
JOHN: Put it in the trash,
with the rest of my dreams.
DANIEL: No contest, John?
Lost the sponsor. Chapter 11.
I told you
Amino Tropical Blast's benefits
were totally undocumented.
Can I see you in the office
for a minute, John?
You're still a notary, aren't you?
Yeah. Technically, I guess. Why?
Well, I was hoping
you could transfer some property.
I made a deal with a friend of mine.
Just bring him by tomorrow.
Look, my friend,
he cannot come back, okay?
This is a very unique situation.
He's out there trying
to impact the world in a positive way.
No, that's the only reason for a notary,
is that I have to
witness the signing of the document.
Otherwise, somebody
could just come in off the street,
forge somebody's signature
and take all their shit.
You know, I got a stamp.
Can I borrow it?
No, you can't borrow my stamp.
That's sacred.
What the fuck are notaries, man?
We're officers of the law.
Remember this chick?
Shelley? Used to work here?
Black chick? I fucked her.
Big slut.
- Oh, John?
- Yeah.
You know, I, um,
I might have found
a sponsor for your competition.
You ever heard of Schlotzsky's?
JOHN: The signature's a little off here,
but no big deal.
All right, down, down, down! Just...
There, there, there!
(LAUGHS) Love it!
DANIEL: Finger one,
find somebody with money. Check.
Finger two,
make him give you everything he owns.
Three million dollar house,
500,000 cash. Check.
Finger three,
make America a better place.
PAUL: You said no violence.
No bad violence!
(SIGHS) I know! Okay?
And I meant it when I said it,
I swear to God.
All right?
But this guy, he knows who I am.
He could ID me.
All right? That's gonna lead them to you.
I cannot kill.
Duly noted. All right?
But if you had to do it, you would adapt.
You would reach down deep, right?
What do you mean, "reach down deep"?
What if I reach down
and there's nothing there?
Then we give you bus money
and you're off the team.
That's harsh. I want to be on the team.
I want you to be on the team. Okay?
And the Good Lord wants you to be rich!
All right? But he could put us all away.
He saw us, big guy. He saw you.
Do you want to go back?
I'm not gonna let him do that to you.
I'm not gonna let that happen to you.
You're not going back!
Look, when this is over,
we'll all go camping.
- All right?
- Okay.
And, meanwhile,
make him comfy, all right?
Just get him drunk.
I can't do that.
Pepe is sober.
Do me a favor, okay?
Don't call him Pepe
like you were in the sixth grade together.
(WHISPERING) Are we alone?
- Yeah.
Would you...
Would you help me... Help me escape?
You need money.
I've got money. You can have it all.
- Everything.
- Victor, Victor.
I don't want to die, Eldad. Not now.
My son...
Look, Victor. Victor.
This will all be over very soon.
We're gonna get you on a plane tonight.
We know someone at the airport
who's gonna get you
out of the country tonight,
but the only way he's gonna do it
is if you're knee-walking drunk.
You won't remember his face.
You have to.
You're going to need a drink if I die,
you half-a-retard!
And when I get to heaven,
I'm going to tell Jesus what you did.
You're not going to tell Jesus anything.
I'm doing you a favor!
I'm giving you a private jet!
Whisking you out of the country!
Hey, this don't look like an airport.
Where's my jet?
PAUL: Don't worry,
you're still going home.
A thousand bucks if I smash him
-into that fucking backhoe!
- ADRIAN: Do it.
- A thousand?
- A thousand!
- Drink some! Drink some!
- Hey... Son of a...
Oh, my God.
VICTOR: Hey, I have a... (GRUNTS)
Calm the fuck down.
I fucking told you!
Lucky I had an airbag.
You put on his fucking seat belt?
It is the law.
You don't put on a seat belt,
you'll hurt your face
with the airbag.
That's what they tell you.
"Buckle up. It's the law."
His blood alcohol's up to his ears!
Nobody would expect him to buckle up!
Yeah, I concur. That was real stupid.
You just made a good man suffer.
This is going fucking perfect!
- Perfect.
- Get the gas can now!
You're siding with him?
I was like the Iceman, okay?
Bull's-eye! Strike!
I'll get the gas can. I'll be alone.
Hey, Pepe, it's Eldad. You okay?
Don't do that right now, please. Don't.
VICTOR: (SLURRING) All good, Eldad.
ADRIAN: Let's go. Let's go, let's go.
- Hurry up.
Oh, shit.
Paul, just run him over.
PAUL: Just run him over?
DANIEL: Yeah, just start the car
and just run him over.
I can't start the car
and run him over. We...
Paul, your friend Pepe is on fire.
He's going to die anyway.
Do you want him to suffer,
or you want to take him
out of his misery?
You can do this, okay? Start the car,
put it in gear and run him over.
I don't know, DL. That's hardcore, man.
Start the fucking car and go!
Back over him.
Get it over quick.
It's like ripping off a Band-Aid.
Just do it!
Don't make Pepe suffer.
I knew you could do it, Paul.
You just killed a man.
We did.
No, you did it.
I just provided options.
Why are you saying I did it?
We did it.
No, you drove.
It's... It's a good thing. Tell him.
You did a good thing.
VICTOR: No, this wasn't heaven.
I wasn't transported
to some celestial space
given my newfound bullshit Christianity.
This isn't that kind of story.
But you know how
I knew these monkeys
were rank fucking amateurs?
Because I was still alive.
You can beat me, rob me,
hang me like dry cleaning,
burn my fucking hair off,
but don't tell me
you're taking me to the airport
when really you're going to kill me.
And if you are going to kill me,
you damn well better do it.
- Mmm!
Hey, baby doll.
Thought we almost lost you
there for a while.
Okay, let me explain to you
about your face.
(MUFFLED) Holy shit!
I was tasered by ninjas.
Is that tire tread on your forehead?
Yes, for the fifteenth time, it is.
They did this to me!
Drove right over my face.
So, you're from Colombia originally.
So what?
I got run over here. In America.
Not in Colombia!
- I'm not sure I like your attitude, sir.
Shut the hell up, Baby Huey!
I'm going to kill him.
Listen to me.
I just lost my family, my business,
and half of my nose.
I almost bit my tongue off.
Got my bank accounts cleaned out.
You think I give a rat's ass
if you don't like my attitude?
We could still arrest you.
Your blood alcohol
was four times the limit.
Is this her first day?
Just tell me if this is
Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.
Don't you listen?
They forced chocolate liqueur down me!
The evil ninja weightlifters?
Those are the guys?
You should cut
some of that fuzz out of your ears!
Daniel Lugo. Write it down.
From what I hear,
Mr. Vic "Pepe" Kershaw,
they sell quite a bit
of drugs in Colombia.
God, I can't believe this!
I'm having some trouble with it myself.
You say you were bound, abused
and roughed up by
a group of bodybuilders.
Was this a sex thing?
One very large burnt dildo,
baseball-sized anal beads found
in the back of your car.
Not normal stuff.
We're finding it hard to believe
that no one reported you missing.
Not one single person.
This could be a wake-up call, buddy.
Wait a second. Is that all I get?
Get back here!
- I don't believe a word he said.
- Mmm-mmm.
We stack-loaded 3,000 protein calories.
Looking tough, feeling tough.
We were going to rock it.
We didn't find Kershaw's obit.
We found him alive, at the hospital.
So we had some unfinished business.
Oh! I'm not going to make it.
I'm not going to make it...
Can you keep him quiet?
-VICTOR: on, Christ.
ED". Being a cop for so long,
I've learned that
people's lives are usually linear.
Until they're not.
Comes a day
for just about everyone when A
suddenly skips B
and careens to polka-dot weird W.
Best move I ever made
was marrying Cissy.
Sweetie pie, are you deaf?
- The phone has rung, like, 19 times.
Sorry, babe, I didn't hear it.
After I retired,
I reopened the detective agency
my old man used to own.
But after a few years,
Cissy begged me to retire from that, too.
She said Pd earned my relaxing years
with long, lazy days
full of golf and fishing.
Except the only thing
I hate more than golf is fishing.
Du Bois Investigators, Inc.
Is this Ed Du Bois the Second?
Actually, it's Ed the Third.
I want Ed the Second.
He's dead. And I'm retired.
I'm guessing you're looking at
a hell of an old yellow pages, buddy.
Everything's old in this frickin' hospital.
-It just shot out of my ass!
- I couldn't help it.
Oh, God.
He should be ejected from this facility!
NURSE: Oh, my God...
Not you.
(STAMMERING) I need your help.
I'm a desperate man.
What did you say your name was?
DANIEL: The team explored
a number of infiltration procedures.
Adrian even offered to stage
a diversionary fistfight in the hall.
We decided against that.
But I can't say that
what the police told you
is far from my own analysis.
I have to entertain
the possibility that you might be lying.
DANIEL: There was one major problem.
This fucking archaic
line-directory system
throughout the whole entire hospital.
It took us an hour just to find the ICU.
VICTOR: Please believe me,
it happened just the way I say it did.
Yeah, well, I'm sorry, Mr. Kershaw,
but I can't take the case.
I'm a dead man.
A hospital is a very public place.
And anybody could gain
access to your room.
And if it were me, and some large men
were trying to re-kill me,
and I wanted to stay un-dead,
I'd get the hell out of there. Fast.
DANIEL: In the end,
after reviewing our past performance,
we could come to only one conclusion.
We're so much better when we wing it.
Can I help you with something?
I'm Dr. Lowenstein,
uh, Mr. Kershaw's
primary care physician.
He didn't mention anything.
Oh, well, I'm, uh...
I'm over at Miami General.
Where is Victor?
He checked himself out,
against my advice.
I think the visit
from the police scared him.
Police? What did they want?
Oh, accident investigation.
They didn't seem too thrilled
by Mr. Kershaw's account of events.
He claimed he'd been tortured.
By bodybuilders.
- Bodybuilders?
- Yes.
This is a case of delusional
alcoholism. It's not uncommon.
You know, I warned him about that.
Why are you dressed for
surgery in our hospital?
Well, I like to be prepared for anything.
ADRIAN: Oh, shit...
So, what if he goes to the cops?
He already did.
You know what happened? Nothing!
Because they figured out
what we already know,
that Victor Kershaw
is a half-criminal prick
who deserved bad shit to happen to him.
I thought he had to be dead.
So what?
You might feel a little prick.
Oh, yeah!
It's a little less than what I'm used to,
but what the heck?
I'm going to rock your world.
Ninja style.
I told you we'd fix it
with the magic penis shots.
Mmm... (MOANS)
Oh, yeah! (MOANS)
- No way!
- No, this is your house.
- PAUL: Jesus may exalt.
- But cocaine is king.
They seem very happy.
Mmm-hmm. Dry humping.
(MOANS) This is such nice,
supple leather.
I know what you're looking at.
Now look at this.
I don't have a home, you putz!
(GROANING) Oh, jeez!
Hey, Kershaw! It's Ed Du Bois!
You thought I was lying.
Sometimes it takes me a while
to make up my mind.
Nice place.
How'd you find me?
Cab driver at the hospital.
(SIGHS) I paid him 20 not to talk.
ED: Well, I paid him 40.
This shit's my new best friend.
I'm gonna look into your case, Victor,
but if you're not telling me the truth,
you're gonna be in a lot more
trouble than when you started.
So, why are you helping me?
Well, what they did to you
is un-American.
Real reason.
Well, catching fish is fine.
Catching bad guys is finer.
Now, won't you tell me
your story again, hmm?
From the beginning.
Just give me one more
of those blue ones.
You've had enough.
- Hey, there.
- Hey.
Hey, we didn't see you move in.
Oh, you know,
most of my things are being shipped.
What happened to the Kershaws?
You know, I don't know the specifics,
but they must have
really been underwater,
because they practically
gave me the house.
I mean, I had asked
the guy from the bank
and he thinks that
the guy ran off with some girl
that he met in Havana,
like one of those sex vacations.
Jeez! Man, you think you know people.
Although Victor liked
to talk about sex a lot.
Brad MacCalister.
- Gotcha.
- Yeah.
That's a pretty
professional looking hoop
-you got there.
- Yeah.
Look at you,
already improving the place.
Well, that's what I do.
You know, I saw
your wife drop off a gang of kids,
figured they could come by
anytime and shoot a round.
I've done a bit of coaching, so...
Hey, that sounds terrific.
Use your elbows, you little pussy!
(GRUNTS) Oh, tell your mama!
- Sucker! Oh!
What the hell
are you doing on the ground?
- That hurts.
- Well, it's supposed to hurt!
That pain's what's gonna save your life.
Your cells remember where it hurts
and that's where they get strong.
It's called pain and gain, Rusty.
Don't be a little bitch.
You gonna man up?
You better,
'cause right now your sister's
stronger than you.
Give me your hand. Get up!
What are you looking at,
you little chubby broad'?
Don't eyeball me, boy. I see your mother
driving up and down the street
looking at me.
I'll be your stepfather in about a week.
DANIEL: I love my new home,
my new neighborhood
and my little brat-pack crew.
I kept it real with them
little motherfuckers
and they kept it real with me.
(GRUNTS) That's 315, close grip.
All right, benching builds your pecs.
We got no homos in this gang, right?
All right, good.
And if you bachelors like girls,
listen to the Lawn Dawg.
No hottie can resist dope pecs.
You want to chase tail with me
in South Beach
on my Puppy Luv? Huh?
Or do you want to
look at your little nuts in the mirror
and see if you got any peach fuzz?
All right, good.
DANIEL: Hey, guys. You like it?
Oh, I love the sexy casa!
You guys like that?
You like that fine Russian pussy?
That was mine.
I gave it to him. Like nothing.
Now if we're gonna roll,
we're gonna chase tail,
we got to do it my way, okay?
No pickle-licking around here. Let's go.
Break it off. Remind your folks
about Neighborhood Watch, okay?
You, you, you and you, jog it home.
- All right, big man.
- ADRIAN: All right, brother.
DANIEL: Let's race the Porsche, baby.
PAUL: Let's do it.
DANIEL: Come on. It's money.
You get the Turbo.
ED: And this Adrian Doorbal,
he paid in cash?
Yes. 100,000.
- Cash?
- Cash.
- This didn't surprise you.
- No.
I thought maybe he was in sports, rap.
You know, he is black.
Well, you don't think it was strange
that Mr. Kershaw never said goodbye?
WOMAN: He was a dick.
Always making fat jokes.
One time he told me
if I can cut out snacking,
that they can cure world hunger.
Yeah, he can be kind of rude that way.
What do you think of the new guy?
Awesome. He says I'm a do-er.
DANIEL: Our Neighborhood Watch
is about to start.
Can I get everybody's attention?
Would you like one? Those are so cute.
They're like little edible penises.
I wish they had them in the strip club.
They're great niblets.
This is delicious.
And so easy,
from freezer to microwave to mouth.
DANIEL: Okay. Eyes front, neighbors.
Now, we'd all like to believe
we're safe here in
Old Cutler Cove Estates.
I know I feel more snug
and secure than I've ever.
And I feel very welcomed,
and I want to
thank you all for that. Okay?
But this is a very serious situation.
Okay? There are bad guys out there
that are waiting for
good people like us to drop our guard.
Bad guys are everywhere.
I should know, okay.
I work for the government.
And I've been to prison.
And it sucks!
At this first meeting
of the Neighborhood Watch,
Peter, Dick and I will demonstrate
a few ways we can keep ourselves safe.
- My pal, Dick... (SNAPPING FINGERS)
- Yeah.
...who works with me at the government,
will now hand out
your preparedness packs.
That means we have to hand
out the preparedness packs,
-thank you.
- PAUL: Yeah. Right away.
In our own corner
of the American dream,
safety requires vigilance.
Okay, look at our chart here.
Number one thing,
vigilance equals safety.
- Number two, recognizing...
PAUL: Oh, baby. That's the one. Yeah.
Okay. First thing,
recognizing a potential attacker.
Sorry about that. There it is.
- ADRIAN: Safety pack.
Each family gets a pack.
Each pack has
pepper spray and a taser.
Ladies, these things work.
You can zap a guy's balls off
with one hit, all right.
Okay! The lovely Sorina here...
- Ta-da!
-...Is going to be the victim.
Who wants to volunteer to be a rapist?
MAN 1: Oh, sure.
MAN 2: Right here!
Me. Pick me.
Can you pick me? Can you pick me?
We're only picking one, guys.
This is not a gang rape, okay.
You sit down. We'll take Brad.
DANIEL: My favorite neighbor.
BRAD: He picked me, he picked me.
Hi, I'm Brad.
You touch her, I'll fuck you up!
- Hey!
- It was nice meeting you.
This is only a simulation, okay?
Cairn it down.
PAUL: Well, that's what
I'd do in this situation.
I'll fuck him up!
Paul, now.
Honey, I had to grab her ass.
Look, I was the rapist!
- You're a perv.
- It was role playing.
DANIEL: What the hell are you doing?
"What?" You look like shit.
I feel like I look great.
This is a critical time, Paul. Okay?
We cannot afford to mess this up.
I agree. You don't need
all this Kumbaya shit.
Excuse me? I blended in, okay?
I'm an influential member
of this community now.
Have some respect and act accordingly.
The hotel wants you
to pay your $47,000 bill
or they're kicking us out.
Yeah, honey?
What are you doing?
I'm praying.
you should pray for $500
to relocate a pair of Jimmy Choos
from Neiman's to my shoe closet.
Secret Agent Sorina
needs pimpy shoes for proper spying.
Secret agent,
Jimmy Choo shoes, I got it.
Jimmy Choo shoes. Cash.
Sometimes, when you hit rock bottom,
you happen to be on the 20th floor.
I had a choice. Take the fast way down,
or find a way to keep climbing.
Lord God, this place is depressing.
And so is this.
No matter how it gets there,
your John Hancock shows
notarized, even at a 90-degree angle.
It's all legal and binding.
Oh, funny thing,
when a man's blindfolded,
electro-shocked, beaten with sex toys,
and hung like dry cleaning,
he tends to sign just about anything.
The Sun Gym Gang
has successfully acquired
every asset you had.
And they're enjoying it.
So I don't have a move?
Because if that's true,
I'm not paying you a fucking dime!
You don't have a fucking dime.
What happens now?
Now I go to work.
After a couple months with us,
you won't even recognize yourself,
trust me.
I trust you.
As you can see here, we've got
all brand new Cybex equipment.
All the latest stuff.
Want to start out with some curls?
You have the perfect frame
for bodybuilding.
I'm going to get you so jacked.
I'd love to get jacked.
What kind of work do you do, Ed?
Lawn and garden supplies.
Benches, birdbaths, stuff like that.
Oh, yeah? I got a pretty big yard myself.
Oh, yeah? Where?
Old Cutler Cove.
Wow. I didn't know trainers did so well.
You know, you believe
you deserve it and the universe...
...will serve it.
Yeah, I've heard that before.
- Jonny Wu says that.
-Yeah. I v commercial.
I love that guy.
All right, let's hit the chest press.
Lawn supplies, huh?
I got me a riding mower.
Snapper 342, you know it?
Yeah, it's a beauty.
It's a zero-turn model, right?
It's got one of the best decks around.
It even stands up to Florida's sandy soil.
You might be my new favorite client.
Now, come on, you're growing.
Let's go. Let's go stretch those pecs.
How'd you happen to choose this gym?
A friend of mine recommended it.
He said
you worked him over pretty good.
(CHUCKLES) That's what I like to hear.
Who's that?
Victor Kershaw.
How is Vic?
I don't really know.
I can't get him on the phone.
Well, maybe he's on vacation.
- Who's that?
- Kershaw.
Oh, yeah. I'm sure that's what it is.
PAUL: I've been here before.
And I'm not proud of this.
To my dearest Adrian.
You are my sun, my moon,
my Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
- I love that show.
GUARD: He got the bag! He got the bag!
GUARD: Drop the bag! Drop it!
My grandfather,
he said to me,
"Never marry a black man."
I don't know why.
He thought they were all dodgy.
But he's dead now.
From racism. No, it was a cement truck.
Hello. ls the haircut line here?
I just need a little trim.
(GRUNTS) Oh, shit.
Oh, shit!
GUARD 1: He's over here!
GUARD 2: Come on down here.
In here, go.
- Freeze!
PAUL". Well, this plan didn't work.
OFFICER: Cover the back!
She makes me
the happiest man in the world!
PAUL". This plan was just practice.
But I had another plan.
Frank Griga,
the phone-sex douche from the club.
He wouldn't be as easy as a bank.
But as it turns out...
OFFICER: In the water!
...a bank wasn't all that easy.
(MUFFLED) Motherfucker!
That's all I got.
What a dick.
Luge'? (GROANS)
Hey, Lugo! Goddang it.
Oh, Danny. Danny?
- Will you shut the fuck up?
Slow down, Paul.
Did you do something bad?
Maybe a little.
You're all fucking green.
I fucked up! Oh, I've got to sit down.
They got my toe, Danny!
- They got my toe.
- Jesus!
I know, Jesus!
(STAMMERS) You can see the bone.
Put that fucking thing away now!
Can they reattach it?
No, Paul, they can't, okay?
Because that's gonna bring questions
and the fucking heat.
God gave you 10, now you got nine.
You've got to deal with that, okay?
Frank Griga.
He's got millions.
And we can take it. You know why?
'Cause we're do-ers.
I gave you a second chance,
and what did you do?
You put it right up your fucking nose.
Oh, no, no, it's not just that!
It's a little bit of that.
DANIEL: You're broke, all right?
And now you want me
to solve your problems
by going fucking cowboy
on some porn king?
Hey, what's going on? What...
- Why's your head green?
- Yeah.
PAUL: I made a mistake.
He blew his whole cut,
now he wants to do another job.
Is that right?
Why did you say it like that?
Because I put
all my money in the house,
and now I need a procedure.
A procedure?
I'm a man who just got married
and his penis don't work, okay?
You know what?
Why don't you glue his toe
onto your balls?
Everyone wins.
ED: Did you remember
to get me some bait?
CISSY: I will not buy worms.
You're pretty funny.
Your back?
This is from your trip
to the gym, isn't it?
No, I just want to
lie here and think about the case.
Why did Miami PD
ignore this man's story?
His account of what happened
is rather unbelievable,
and other than that,
he's a hard guy to like.
- Mese.
Hey, you schmuck, you remember me?
(CHUCKLES) No, should I?
Well, I should think so,
seeing as you apparently watched me
sign my whole life away
to some fucking weightlifter!
- WOMAN: John!
- Mr. Kershaw.
Oh, so you do remember me.
That's funny
because I don't remember you.
Which must mean you're a liar.
Get the fuck out!
I was under the impression
that you were out of town.
Oh, yeah,
I never left town, because I didn't have
any money to leave town with,
because you fucking stole it!
Now give me my money back!
If that dog pees in the pool, you're fired!
Hey! Victor Kershaw
just called my office!
What'd he say?
You fucking out of your mind? You fuck!
What'd he say, John?
He wants his stuff back!
- He wants all of it!
- Shut up!
Did he forget he gave it to me?
He wants the whole nut.
This phone's going to cost you $43.
...good tonight. Come on, let's go.
- Give me a whoop-whoop!
- ALL: Whoop-whoop!
You talk to your mommy, you bitch?
Victor, how's it going?
I feel kind of just like shit, John.
Watch your language, dude.
Shut the fuck up!
No, no, no. No, not you.
Not you. I'm so sorry.
Fuck you, you fucking piece of shit!
You got the worst karma ever!
Victor, I feel horrible about this, okay?
Let me swing by there
and make it right. What's your address?
You got a pencil?
I'm at 143 Fuck You Avenue
on the corner of Blow Me and Die.
Listen, tell me where you are
and I'll bring by the forms
for you to sign.
It'll be all legit. It'll make this right.
These fucking guys hustled me
like they hustled you!
I am furious!
Now where are you?
I'm at your house, John,
fucking your wife.
I'm not telling you where I am, John!
I'll call you later to set a meet.
That went like shit.
- What do we do now?
- Star 69 him.
You want me to have sex with him?
Press the star key,
press the six and press the nine!
Seven Seas Motel.
How did you do that?
What's with you clowns?
What the... Hey,
snatch that Cabbage Patch!
All right, here's the deal, little fella,
I'm gonna head-butt you
and knock you out, okay?
Well, if he's not there,
then I don't know where he is.
The only guy he talks to is
the guy who pays for his room.
What guy?
Sorry. Classified information.
No peeking through the hole!
I recently got married
and I was looking
for a place to have a honeymoon.
I was hoping maybe
you could show me around.
Why would you
want to have your honeymoon here?
Oh, this place has
a lot of fond memories for me.
The very first time
I bashed a man's skull in was here
and it was a mess!
But that bat was aluminum.
I've switched to wood.
So you should
get your ass out here right now
or I'll bash your brains all over that wall
with one fucking swing!
Okay, sure.
Let me show you the pool.
DANIEL: Holy shit. It's my client.
I told him I was gonna give him
a fucking body like mine!
- Unreal.
- What a fucking cocksuck.
ADRIAN: I can't wait to go in his house.
I'm gonna shit in his bathroom.
That's what I'ma do.
ED: It takes a little finesse
to tell the Chief of Police
that his guys missed something big.
His story's true.
Your guys went to sleep on it.
Yeah, you're a soft touch, Ed.
I'll take a look at what you got,
but it sounds like a nonstarter to me.
George, I got a trunk full of evidence.
Believe me, it's a starter.
Hands up! Hands up!
A Colombian plus torture
equals bad news, Ed,
at 5230, 6200 and 11100,
for however many nights
it takes Channel 4
to make me look like
I'm kind of Uncle Juan
defending the rights of drug dealers.
Drug dealer?
The guy sold submarine sandwiches.
And Pablo Escobar
was a florist. Come on.
Ed, you know this.
Anything below the Keys
is like a boil on my ass.
These guys are still out there
and they're gonna get hungry again.
You should get on it.
Trust between a trainer and his client
is sacred, like with priests and lawyers.
To betray that is
to betray everything I believe in
regarding fitness and America.
There's a white lady in there
making a really nice cherry pie.
I love cherry pies.
What? Why are the police here?
Somebody called them
on a black guy in their yard!
What do you think they're doing here?
- Now what?
- Well, we can either
walk out front or
we can jump in the fucking water.
I can't swim!
Thanks, guys! Appreciate it.
All right. Come on, come on!
ADRIAN: Mission abort,
mission abort, mission abort!
CISSY: How's your back?
The old back's fine.
Car wouldn't start, though.
You've got to get rid of that,
it's an old-man car.
So Mr. Kershaw called.
He said, "This is how you protect me,
"you pussy son of a bitch?
"Fucking thugs come to murder me
"and where the fuck are you?"
And then he left an address.
ED: Victor!
Never call bad guys!
Especially the ones
who are trying to kill you!
You're gonna give me shit
about that right now?
I'm gonna take you home. Clean you up.
ED: Would you pass me a roll, please?
CISSY: Sure.
You have some tiny trees.
That's sort of my hobby.
Oh! Shit!
Here, let me help you.
No, I can do it. I can do it.
ED: Come on, let me help.
- Mmm!
- There you go.
Every man needs to fight for his dignity.
I have a boat.
(VOICE BREAKING) I have a boat.
Sure you do.
Don't don't, do do,
nut up and be like Wu.
DANIEL: I was so sick of Jonny Wu.
If! had learned anything
these past few months
besides what a fucking notary does,
it's that if you don't
pay attention to details,
they can come up
and bite you in the ass.
Or worse, they hire detectives.
Fuck this Beaver Cleaver shit.
And this nice house.
But I'm not going backwards.
So the three-finger plan
just needs another finger.
So, what?
Hey, Paul, it's me.
I want you to pick up Adrian.
We're gonna move on your porn king.
DANIEL: How are you, sir?
- Good. How you doing?
- Excellent.
FRANK: Yeah. Shut the door, please.
Now, come on, let's do
the show-and-tell. Come on, boy.
India alone has a billion people
as of the last census.
One billion people, two billion ears.
And until now,
AT&T has had a lock on all of them.
Take a look at our flow chart.
See this guy, this is a woo-woo Indian.
We're not going after them.
We want the red dots, the Gandhi kind.
Those are Japanese.
That's phase two.
We're going multi-continental
on this thing, okay.
This is a huge organization.
ADRIAN: Sorry, boss.
- Wedding pictures, sorry.
- Ugh, you're killing me.
Here we go.
DANIEL: Percentage of Indian
telecommunication market.
We own it, we guarantee it.
You're in ground-floor entry.
Boom, skyrocket. Next.
Chopin, stop!
Come here. Meet my friends.
Show them your tits.
Look, you like them?
Mad the doctor put 'm an extra 500 eds.
- Like Jell-O.
- They're new.
Impressive. Are you in?
Do they have phone sex in India?
Because she's the best dirty talker
in the business.
Come on, give us a few moans.
- Come on, that's it.
All right, so what's
the minimum investment?
-Isn't he your limo driver?
- And partner.
He is a full-fledged partner.
- Did I meet you at the...
- You did.
- You're the Jesus guy.
- I am.
What's the maximum investment?
Some people wouldn't try it again.
Some people would say
quit while you're ahead.
Well, some people are pussies.
Guys like Frank Griga don't quit.
They take it on the chin,
learn from their mistakes,
double down and do it.
Our plan was solid.
Our skills were cutting edge.
We just needed to put ourselves
in a position to succeed.
And that position was Adrian's house.
You guys look so sweet.
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
Where's your wife now?
She's pulling a double in the ER tonight.
You look nice.
Thanks, man.
She's a big girl, you can't handle it.
- Hey, you know what we need?
Some music! Right?
So what do you think,
we go in the other room
-and talk a little business?
- Yeah, yeah. Let's do it.
ADRIAN: Let's get this party started!
Best song ever!
Show them how you can
shake it up, baby.
- Oh-oh!
- Keep your hands off the new tits, pal.
Okay. The hands will be on the ass!
- I'm coming for you.
- Come on, baby.
Give me that thing.
Oh... Oh... Oh!
So, I ran your numbers
past my accountant
and it looks like
blue skies and clear sailing.
DANIEL: Fantastic.
I've got the contracts right here.
Oh, God, that is nasty.
For who's ever gonna do the investing.
- I got an eggroll for you, baby.
- Yeah, you do!
Frank, I don't think
I'm following you right now.
I want to meet directly with the board.
I mean, no offense, Daniel,
but your skill set
doesn't put my mind at ease.
- I want to see you dance!
- Come on, Paul!
I don't dance,
but I got something
much better than dancing.
Whoo! Come on, baby!
Okay. So what exactly
is my skill set then, Frank?
Please, tell me.
I was being polite. Look, Daniel,
you seem like a really good guy, okay?
We could totally hang out, okay?
We can go chase
some gash, you know?
But, uh, frankly,
I'm not comfortable
with you having a say in my money.
So you stand here in my friend's house
and you tell me you don't trust me?
You know what? You're right.
Maybe this isn't the place
to discuss this.
What? You want to go
over my head to the board?
Hey, look, Daniel,
you know a little something
about the business world,
but not nearly as much as you think.
I mean, some of the things you say
are just comical.
I don't think you're a hard worker.
I'm not saying you're a fucking moron,
but this is a complicated venture, okay?
It takes professionals. You guys,
you're a bunch of fucking amateurs.
Nobody calls me a fucking amateur!
Do you know who you're fucking with?
- Come on! Sixty-one!
- Frank?
Sixty-two! Sixty-three!
Come on, push it, baby!
- Where's Frank?
- Sixty-four!
- Where the fuck is Frank?
- Look at this!
ADRIAN: Sixty-five! Look, 66!
DANIEL: No one calls me an amateur!
No one calls me a fucking amateur!
FRANK: Jesus Christ.
You could have fucking killed me!
You fucking could have
killed me, you cunt!
You fucking motherfucker!
No one calls me
a fucking amateur! No one!
Because I work hard!
I do work fucking hard!
I fucking work!
No! Oh, God. Please, no!
Hey, get out of there. Go, get, get, get!
- I'm going for 80!
- Give me five more, baby!
That's a new house record!
ADRIAN: Look at this!
Go, push it! Fucking push it!
- Frank?
- Yeah, baby!
- What did you do?
- It was an accident.
Jesus fucking Christ!
He fell!
The thing just hit him in the head
when he fell down.
- You fucking cocksucker!
- No, no, please, don't!
Grab that fucking crazy bitch!
- Oh, what the fuck... What happened?
- It was an accident!
You were supposed to talk to him!
- Take her, Paul! Take her!
- DANIEL: I was talking to him!
You see how those weights
are flush flat on the fucking floor?
Well, they shouldn't be, because there's
a fucking head in between them.
PAUL: Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Ow! She's biting me!
- DANIEL: Keep her fucking quiet!
Roll her over! Show me her ass!
- I got upset and...
He called me a fucking amateur!
And you fucking hit him with a weight?
DANIEL: He said
he was going to sign the papers,
then he wouldn't sign, then he got upset
and he said he wanted to see the board,
then I said no,
he couldn't see the board,
"I don't want you to see the board.
"Why'd you call me an amateur?"
Then he got upset,
then he fucking said something else
and I got upset and he fucking fell.
I think he fell
or I pushed him or something.
ADRIAN: Then you killed him!
What did you do to her?
ADRIAN: I gave her a horse tranquilizer.
Oh, shit.
She'll be fine.
33, 19, 22. That's
the safe combination, right?
Is that Yugoslavian?
Okay, I need it in English, okay, baby?
- Seventeen.
- All right, no, no.
33, 19, 22.
Okay, this is now a salvage op! Let's go!
What does that even mean?
DANIEL: It means
I'm getting that car and stuff in the safe.
Oh, shit.
This is so bad.
All right, hey. Keep her quiet, okay?
And stay by the phone.
Make sure the sperm mogul's
on ice until I get back.
- What do you mean "on ice"?
- In ice cubes in the bathtub, okay!
Hey, when does Robin get home?
Her shift's over at noon.
- Okay, great.
Calm the fuck down. I got to get a pump.
PAUL: Yeah, take a moment.
That's it. That's good.
Listen, Danny,
I know what it's like to
think you killed somebody.
And it hurts.
I mean, you got Jesus and the devil...
That's it, get it.
Jesus, devil,
swirling all up in your head.
I was lucky, 'cause my guy lived.
So you must really feel like shit.
You're right, Paul.
Let's just hope
Jesus is as forgiving as they say, right?
Oh, He is.
Adrian, do something about this rug.
Look, just say the dog did it, okay?
Everything else
will be gone before Robin...
Looks like he killed the dog.
Hey, crank the AC. He's starting to reek.
Let's go, Paul, come on.
PAUL: Hang in there, buddy.
ADRIAN: Bro, you better hurry up, man!
DANIEL: We'll be back!
Where is my dog, bro?
I see it. I see the emotion,
and I see all that Satan shit swirling.
I don't need your shit
right now, okay? Please.
I say it because I care.
I'm just trying to be a friend.
ADRIAN: Be calm.
Holy shit.
Holy Moses.
- You're a fucking genius. You did it!
I love Jesus, too! You know that, right?
Look at the size of this thing!
It's like a fucking treasure chest!
Come on, baby. Come on.
33... 19... 22...
Come on!
- You fucked this up!
- This is not my fault!
Oh, man.
- What's the combo?
-32, 19, 22!
Yo, DL, where you at, man?
Put the Yugoslav on the phone.
I need the right safe combo.
No, you got to get back here, man.
Robin's going to be home
in a few hours.
She gets off at noon.
No, I think they gave me
the wrong fucking number!
- No, she... Shit.
You wrote it down wrong.
You gonna try to get away? Huh?
- There's some more!
Now, come on, get up.
My wife's coming home.
See you in the living room.
Stop drinking!
You've got to write the code down now.
- PAUL: I'm ready.
- All right, what's the safe combo?
Put the phone where she can hear.
She can't hear nothing, man.
What's the problem?
The bitch is cold, bro.
What? No.
Her soul has left her body.
Tell me it's not fucking true, now!
I mean, you told me to give
her some more tranquilizer,
and I did, and I gave her two shots,
and I think I gave her too much,
'cause now she's not fucking breathing.
We were dancing
and having such a good time
and I was smacking her ass
and now she's fucking dead!
And you're not here, bro!
No. No! Not...
Did you get the code?
No! No! No!
This isn't happening.
This is not happening.
Jonny Wu says
it's all about seeing the humor
in the chaos, right? Right?
Come on! Let's bolt!
You didn't get the code?
Let's go, we got shit to do.
Tell me the code. I'm ready.
Come on. We don't
have the code. Put this on.
Yeah, I got the Lambo.
Hey, you want that dog?
That Yorkshire's
about $1,250 if it's a purebred.
Shit, we've got to get
something for the bodies.
PAUL: Hey, little buddy.
You hungry'?
DANIEL: Come on, come on!
PAUL: What a little boy.
DANIEL: I love purple.
It's not smart taking a dead man's car.
Not smart at all.
Oh, shit! Oh, no!
Shit! Oh, she's going to kill me!
Oh, shit.
Lost my dog.
You've got to slow down!
You're tipping her over!
I'm not driving too fast.
I'm following the fucking speed limit.
I got 48 holes in my carpet!
It smells awful back here.
See, I'm dealing with shit
on a whole other level.
Y'all can't even fathom
the level that I'm on.
You're making me nervous,
okay! There are cops ahead.
Come on, guys! I'm concentrating!
I think I'm going to be sick.
For a big fucker, you complain a lot!
What am I going to tell my wife?
DANIEL: Just fucking lie.
(GASPING) I booted.
DANIEL: Paul, you're fucking disgusting.
Reuben'? Come here. Is that you?
What are you doing?
What happened to you?
Paul, we got a job to do,
are you up here hiding?
I need you downstairs, okay?
I need you to secure
and maintain a profile.
Me and Adrian are going to Home Depot
to get what we need. Let's go, come on.
I am not staying here alone
with those two dead bodies.
I will freak out.
What do you mean "no"?
This was your idea.
You want to get out of this,
you better learn to take responsibility.
Don't be a don't-er. You'll regret it.
I already regret it.
Get me the police.
PAUL: There is life after death.
Of that, I am sure.
But I'm also pretty sure
dead people no longer need their stuff.
And I did.
- All right, cleaning supplies.
- Check.
Mr. and Mrs. Griga,
how are you? Chopin?
Hello, little baby, I'm here. (CHUCKLES)
- Chopin?
We're gonna clean them, chop them,
put them in buckets. Right here.
Dissolve them with lye.
No evidence.
- Adrian?
This is Officer Wilson,
Miami-Dade Police.
Animal Services
has recovered a greyhound
that is registered to your address
but we believe the dog may be stolen.
You need to contact us please,
at your earliest convenience.
We got a body part, a human toe.
Get a forensic unit here right away.
He loves dog like his own child.
(GRUNTING) Team Jesus!
(EXHALES) Feel great.
Doyle feels great.
MAN: May cause anxiety, aggression,
seizure, suicidal thoughts, dementia...
Ah! I feel like shit now.
PAUL: Jesus, forgive me.
Forgive my sins.
We're back! Come on, let's go.
You can do that shit all day in prison
if we don't get these bodies out of here!
I am in the middle of a superset.
Hey! Did you take the wedding ring?
No, I did not. No.
Fucking crackhead.
Hey, should we save her implants?
Well, not unless you want them
for paperweights.
No, resale of medical devices
is a big business, man.
I'm married to someone
in the medical field. I know this.
Then stop playing with her tits, okay?
And Windex our fingerprints off now.
Well, what about their fingerprints?
What about them?
What are we gonna do
with their fingerprints on their fingers?
I'll think of something, all right?
- PAUL: Are you really going to do that?
- Danny, that's disgusting!
- DANIEL: Shit!
- ADRIAN: What's wrong with it?
- How the hell am I supposed to know?
- What, is it plugged in?
- Yeah, it's plugged in!
Well, press the button!
Give me that, let me do it, man!
- Fuck if we got time for this.
See? Daddy worked power tools, baby!
Get it! Go, go, go! Get it, get it, get it!
- ADRIAN: Am I hitting it?
What happened? Come on!
- Oh, shit!
- What?
It's stuck in her hair! (GRUNTS)
Give me this thing.
Figures! Made in China?
It's a piece of China fucking crap!
I fucking told you to get
a gas-powered one,
not some fucking piece of
electric China crap! Shit!
Well, you're the one who said
we didn't have time to stop for gas!
- Grab her arm.
- What are you doing?
I'm going old school.
I'm going to chop that fucker right off.
Wait, wait, wait. All right, go. Go, go.
Fuck you "Ah!"ing about? Hold it, man.
- I almost chopped your finger!
- Go! Ah!
Let's go, Paul.
I need you to grill
these fingerprints off, all right?
Grill these fingerprints off?
Are you nuts?
No, I'm not nuts, Paul.
But I am about fed up with
your defeatist attitude, okay?
Now grill those fucking hands. Now.
You need to be more positive, Paul.
Just make a positive effort.
- What's up?
- Hey, Ed.
We've connected these people to
the bodybuilders you were talking about.
They've gone missing.
These people aren't
just missing, George.
They're probably dead.
It's a big department, Ed.
We can't do everything right.
I didn't ask for everything,
George. I asked for one thing.
I told you these guys
were gonna get hungry again.
What seems to be the problem?
It's a piece of China crap.
It worked for two seconds,
then it cut off.
Well, for 20 more,
you can get free parts
and replacements.
We strongly recommend it on all
our customer power tool investments.
Oh, we don't want to
hear about that rip-off.
Sir, there appears to be fur in the works.
I don't see no fur
in that nonworking chainsaw.
OFFICER: How funny was that
when that scumbag shit himself
when your dog almost bit his balls off?
What do we got? Description again?
White male, 30s.
All right, standby, we're en route.
Leave that stuff, we got to go.
Well, either you're dumb
or blind, but that's fur.
Go on, pick out another one.
Save the drama for your mama.
DANIEL: Holy shit! What the fuck?
- What are you doing?
You got to cook this shit outside.
Be careful, that's hot.
You'll burn yourself.
You know, you're like a three-year-old!
You're dropping the fingernails.
A three-year old...
PAUL: It Stunk like shit.
You put it in the fucking street?
PAUL: I didn't think you'd be pissed.
It got really smoky in there, Danny.
Are you out of your fucking mind?
PAUL: in AA, they teach you
to sit with your feelings.
Look under the bed and see for yourself
that there's no monster under there.
But the problem is,
sometimes the monster is there.
And sometimes,
you've just got to fucking run.
Hey, Paul?
Where the fuck is he?
He's got no fucking accountability!
GEORGE: Okay, gentlemen, listen up.
These are your locales.
These are your targets.
We are taking down
these scumbags simultaneously.
We have some making up to do.
MAN: Here you go.
GEORGE: Any questions?
I feel good.
Got to get a pump, though.
Need to push that Lambo
into the swamp, bro.
OFFICER: Get out of the way!
Look at these guys, huh?
Carved from stone! (LAUGHS)
Adrian? Honey,
there's some people here to see you.
- Get down!
- Do not move.
- Let me see your hands.
PASTOR RANDY". No hard feelings.
Hands behind your back.
Call Daniel!
- Call Daniel!
Hey. police, Stgp!
MAN: This way. Follow the officer.
BRAD: Hey, buddy.
How you been?
Wow. Didn't see that coming.
He seemed like such a nice guy.
You think you know people...
puppy's gone.
BRAD: Yeah, he loved your boat.
We went out on it five or six times.
We had a great sunset cruise.
We took the neighborhood kids.
Hey, pal. That'll do it.
GEORGE". We circulated Lugo's picture.
Coast Guard's got the specs
on Lugo's boat.
You mean my boat?
GEORGE: Your boat.
Start looking!
According to the other two,
Lugo killed Griga
before he could get anything,
which means
he's gonna run out of his money.
My money! My money.
ED: Victor, for God's sake.
He's right, Ed. We fucked up.
The fact is, Mr. Kershaw, right now,
you're the only source of funding
this guy has got.
He put all his eggs
in your basket, Victor.
We've got that basket
under 24-hour watch.
Lugo's gonna come up starving soon.
When he does, we'll get him.
What if I told you there's another basket
you didn't know about? Offshore.
- Where?
- The Bahamas, where do you think?
So, where do you think he's going?
You could have saved us 20 minutes.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Now I'm the criminal here?
It's a secret stash.
You're telling me
you don't have a secret stash?
You're a very difficult victim, Victor.
It's Money Management 101.
Get a chopper, ASAP.
DANIEL: My name is Victor Kershaw.
I'm looking to close my account.
And what would you like to do
about the safety deposit box?
Well, I'm really in a rush,
but I may as well open it
while I'm here, right?
His fucking baby booties?
What the... Asshole!
Oh, shit! No cash!
Where's your bank manager?
This is a United States court order
authorizing us to freeze
the accounts of a Victor...
MAN: Open the door!
ED: Lugo!
MAN: Open it!
ED: Open it up!
Open the gate! Open the gate!
Get the gate!
VICTOR: He's over here!
Hey! Officer!
Where are they all?
He's a thief!
DANIEL: Son of a bitch.
Sometimes God just fucks up your order
and you got to chow down
on that shitty shame sandwich.
Look at you.
All fucked up.
It's kind of undignified
being all fucked up by a car,
isn't it, you silly turd?
- You all right?
- VICTOR: I'm getting there.
You know, I could have
got you ripped, man.
You know what your problem is?
Skinnyass quads.
You got no quads, man.
That was my problem.
I spent a lot of time
building these bad boys.
Is this all for me?
Yep. Your own little party.
They're going
to want to know why you did it.
Well, 'cause I'm a do-er.
ED: This was the longest and most
bizarre trial in Dade County history.
So, the Central Intelligence Agency.
So you were a stripper and an agent.
Or, as you call yourself,
a field operative.
Lugo and I used to bang a lot.
But then he passed me to Agent Doyle.
Miss you, sweetie.
But I'm going to quit the whole CIA thing
to become a movie star.
ED". They say truth
is stranger than fiction.
And no one tells the truth
like a pissed-off wife.
Sir, I officially divorced him last night.
That's why I can testify
against him today.
Well, I've been working
in the penis industry for 19 months.
I think he lifted weights
to try to compensate
for the fact that he had a very tiny penis.
It was bent on a 25 degree angle,
like a boomerang.
You see, erectile dysfunction
is nothing to be ashamed about
but being an unfaithful lying shit
who I know for a fact tried to finger bang
his paralegal in the interview room,
that's a little shamey.
But being in the medical profession,
I prefer not to judge.
But that lady's a whore.
- Yeah, you, you fucking bitch.
- No further questions.
ED". The state was very thorough.
Frankly, it had a lotto make up for.
We're going to walk on this.
They ain't got no proof.
At first, the evidence
was mostly circumstantial,
physical proof of the murders
being hard to come by.
Eventually, they found
the barrels and bodies,
but no fingerprints.
And then, for the first time
in the history of the United States...
Two 750 cc breast implants.
ED". ...they used the manufacturer's
unique serial numbers for identification.
Paul Doyle seemed to embrace
the concept of confession.
They kidnapped Kershaw,
they tried to kill him.
I just want to go back to prison.
They used chainsaws to cut them up!
He said no one would get hurt.
They hurt Pepe.
They hurt him bad. They hurt my friend.
Manipulator of manipulators.
PAUL". Wow. That felt good.
All they got is testimony
from some fucking cokehead.
ED". In the end, though,
all justice really needed
to do was listen to
the right guy at the right time.
In light of his cooperation,
Mr. Doyle was given only 15 years.
A sentence for which
he seemed legitimately grateful.
I once was lost
But now I'm found...
ED". Daniel Lugo and Adrian Doorba!
were found guilty
of double murder, racketeering,
attempted extortion, theft,
attempted murder, armed robbery,
burglary, money laundering and forgery.
In fact, the only thing
they weren't found guilty of
was the one thing
they were most guilty of,
being dumb stupid fucks.
It took the jury only 14 minutes
to sentence them both to death.
This seems like such a waste.
People's lives.
You know?
Some people just don't
know a good thing
when it's staring them in the face.
ED". It really is the
simple things in life.
Daniel just wanted to be like everyone.
Everyone that wants
the American dream.
DANIEL: All I ever wanted out of life
was what everyone else had.
Not more.
Just not the less I was used to.
Well, I took a real swing for it,
you know?
And for a while, it was like
I always thought it would be.
I was one of you.
And it felt good.
People finally saw me like I saw myself
and you can't ask for more than that.
Maybe I did, though.
Maybe it got so I didn't want to
be "equal to" anymore.
I wanted to be "better than.
And that's a recipe for injury.
That doesn't mean you give up, though.
You rest, you heal and
you get back on that bench.
Life is going to give me another set.
And I am going to rock it.
Because my name is Daniel Lugo,
and I believe in fitness.
That's the American dream.