Panto! (2012) Movie Script

Da-da da-da-da-da-da!
And again.
I'm so sorry. Oh, for god's sake,
Chantelle, concentrate.
Forget it.
Let's just go to work.
So that's the band named after a
one-armed swimmer. One Direction.
Come on, leave it.
It's a little bit too early for that.
This is Lewis Loud in the morning.
Lewis Loud, standing proud.
"It's a beautiful
winter's day out there."
"And tonight is going to be
a beautiful night
because, tonight,
I star in my first ever panto."
Dick Whittington."
You should see my producer's face.
She's in bits, she's so excited
about this, aren't you, Debs?
"Wooh!" "Today's a very exciting
day at the panto because we've
got our final dress rehearsal."
"I'm playing Jack the Lad,
which people might say
is typecasting."
But seriously,
this is a show for all the family.
And what a top-quality cast
we've got for you.
"Probably the best there's ever
been." Come on. Sell, sell, sell.
"We've got Chesney Hawkes."
Chesney Hakes.
"Whose song The One And Only
was in the top-twenty
of all songs bought in the 1990s."
"Coming in at number 20.
Yes, what a nice bloke."
"And a legend. I should know,
I share a dressing room with him."
"That's true.
You've got two legends in one room."
"Ooh, er, missus."
"Along with Chesney,
there's the breathtakingly
beautiful Tamsin Taylor."
"Better known as
serial killer Mad Mindy
from the nation's favourite soap."
"If you thought
she was a killer on telly,
you should see her in real life."
"She will definitely
take your breath away,
even when she's dressed as a fella."
"Chase me." "That's some cracker
I wouldn't mind pulling for Christmas
or finding in my stocking."
We've also got rising star
Chantelle Jenkins.
Don't slouch, Chantelle.
One mention on the radio
doesn't make you a star.
"Our producer,
veteran panto performer Di Jenkins,
is playing the fairy." Veteran?
"Everyone knows
in a panto you need a dame."
"And we've got the
Shakespearean actor Johnny Darby,
the man best known for his role
as King Lear on Channel 5."
"Yes, he was in
Channel 5's King Lear."
"People say he only got the part
because he went to school
with Shakespeare."
"I'm only joking. He's not that old."
"With a cast like that,
beg, steal or borrow a ticket,
cos what could possibly go wrong?"
Who's the unlucky lady? Eh? You must
be seeing somebody in that panto.
Since you started rehearsals,
you've been late every day.
Not every day, Debs.
Er, four times this week.
There you go. Not every day.
It's only Thursday.
A word to the wise.
Think with that and not with that.
Just be here on time tomorrow, OK?
All I know is, Di,
the show is set in London
and you've given me old Peking.
I'm recycling
from last year's Aladdin.
Design are giving us
a complete make-over.
Look, there's Big Ben.
It's the Gherkin. A gherkin?
You know my opening line? "Hello,
boys and girls, how are you doing?"
Can I change that to, "Hello, boys
and girls, how are you diddling?"
Inspired. I think that I'm more
of a diddler than a doer. Really?
Diddler, my arse.
He called me old on the radio.
Look, do you think Kylie gets upset
when she's called
a veteran pop star?
Well, that's not the first time
I've been likened to her.
What are we going to do
about the Chesney situation?
Why? Did the hospital get it wrong?
You can have that.
Have it. Put it in.
I can't do without him now.
It's opening night. Yes, but-
If he can breathe, he's in.
If he can sing, it's a bonus.
That's debatable.
Morning, Greg.
Am I allowed to say he's grumpy?
He'll be all right. Like most men,
he just wants a bigger part.
Actors! Don't touch the scenery.
Ooh, babes, you were amazing
on the radio this morning.
I wanted to shout it from
the rooftops, "That's my man."
And you were amazing last night.
Who'd have thought strip KerPlunk
could be that much fun?
Is this the first time
you've kissed a man?
Since I last went to Bangkok, yeah.
Oh! Sorry.
"Are you standing proud?
It's me Lewis..."
If he won't answer,
we'll drop you at the theatre.
See how he likes that.
Paul, you are looking forward
to staying with your dad? Am I?
You slap a smile on your face,
you miserable mare.
Don't go all guilty
on me now, Gina.
I can't help it, it's Christmas.
You have him for 51 weeks
of the year. It's about time his
dad did a bit. It's only one week.
It's all arranged. Come on!
"Are you standing proud?"
There was a chap on my jaw,
my brother has the most
extraordinary sense of humour.
That's terrific stuff, John.
How kind. I really need a wee.
Cue Tamsin.
Hello, boys and girls. My name
is Dick... Stop! Stop! Finlay?!
Where's Greg? He is in this scene.
Well, he... Er...
No, don't explain.
Just go get him, it'll be quicker.
Now, we're going to carry on
as if he were here.
And, Chantelle.
Um... Oh, my! What a lovely pussy.
He looks like he eats his Go-Cat.
Sorry. It's really hard
saying it to an empty space.
Oh, come on, darling. Focus.
Compliments like that, fair damsel,
will get you everywhere.
Do I look like a damsel in distress?
No, but you look like
a damsel in dat dress.
The name's Whittington.
Dick Whittington.
And I am Alice. That must be why
I feel like I'm in Wonderland.
Might I kiss you, fair Alice?
Kiss, kiss, kiss. Tamsin off. And...
Like A Virgin
Sorry, I've forgotten the line.
OK. Just sing.
I made it through the wilderness
Somehow I made it through
Didn't know how lost I was
Until I found you
I was beat
I've been had
I was sad and blue
But you made me feel
Yeah, you made me feel
Shiny and new
"# Like a virgin"
"# Touched for the very first time"
"# Like a vir-ir-ir-ir-gin"
Hello? You know you're...
Just getting my tail on. We're
on a tight...
Oh, shit.
Everyone! Everyone, stay close.
We should be able
to get back in v. shortly.
We have to do something
about Like A Virgin.
I know. The staging is awful.
No, I mean-
It's all right. I've got an idea.
After the show tonight, do you
want to go and get some fajitas.
OMG. I adore fajitas.
We've got so much in common, babes.
- What's your favourite filling?
- Lewis!
You were supposed to be at ours
two hours ago. Since when?
Since we made the arrangements
back in October. October?
Me and Tony are going
to Puerto Banus for Christmas.
We won a competition
for writing that jingle
about the toilet cleaner.
You want your loo
to be really spesh?
Try a little squirt
with Toilet Fresh.
Good him, isn't he?
Bet your Valentine's cards are ace.
Which means you're having our Paul
for a week. Or had you forgotten?
Of course I hadn't.
All right, mate. Are you sure
you'll be all right with him?
You'll be busy in the evenings.
You can sit in the dressing room.
You OK with that?
All right, babe?
Stay away from her.
I'm not really a serial killer.
That was a part.
Now, behave yourself. He'll be fine.
I wasn't talking to him.
See ya.
You hadn't forgotten, had you, Dad?
Have you seen Chesney Hawkes?
No, babe.
OK. I can do this.
I'm a pro.
Er! Argh! Aarrgghh!
What do you think of my costume?
You look like a knobhead.
Ta. It's all part
of being in a panto.
You're all knobs.
Who do you think you're talking to?
Show some respect. I'm your dad
and this is a serious place of work.
All right, Greg. This is our Paul.
All right?
All right.
You off to do your scenes?
Yeah! Ugh!
Look at that. You see that?
I'm a bloody artist.
How am I supposed to work
with substandard costumes?!
Come on.
Da-dah! How good is this?
Meet pop sensation and all-round
nice guy Chesney Hawkes.
Ches, this is our Paul.
All right? What happened to you?
Just a little slip. Chesney had the
20th most-bought song in the whole
of the 1990s. Oh, nice one.
Do you sing on the show?
He does, once or twice.
Four times.
I do write other stuff as well.
You should get my dad
to play it on his radio show.
Er... Yeah... Well, er...
"Act-one beginners,
come to stage, please."
Hear that? That means
rehearsals are about to begin.
I'm not thick, Dad. I was in
Dracula Spectacular at school.
I know. Sorry I couldn't make it but
it was Children In Need week at work.
And he had to sit in
a bath of beans for 48 hours.
Your mum said
you were really good at it.
Yeah, and she said the children
got what they needed most.
You in a bath of beans.
Johnny, this my lad Paul.
Good afternoon, young man.
Come to see your father treading
the illustrious boards? Sort of.
Sit in the front and I'll throw
some of these in your direction.
I'm not allowed to eat
sweets from a strange man.
I am bit an ordinary man
who trained at RADA.
And now finds himself
in ladies' clothing, false boobs
and a pink wig, scraping to earn
a living. That's OK, then.
As you were.
You met Tamsin before.
Oh, god! He's so adorable.
Your dad told me all about you.
Don't say that.
He'll be thinking that I like him.
What's your dad like, eh, Paul?
I love him really.
Miss Tamsin!
Get her, please.
I'm in demand. Missing you already.
Come on, darling.
It was only a matter of time.
You're going out with a dick.
That's not funny.
Come on.
Every city in every nation
From Lake Geneva
to the Finland Station
In a West End town,
a dead-end world
East End boys and West End girls
In a West End town,
a dead-end world
East End boys and West End girls
West End girls
West End girls
Now I'm back in Old London Town,
I'd best go find my West End girl.
And bring in the curtain.
Get off!
Ah! Cue Lewis!
Hiya, boys and girls!
Hey! Old London Town
is overrun by rats. If you see any
raisins, don't eat them, will you?
Er, sorry, sweetpea. We seem
to have skipped a page. Page six?
That's where I was
gonna do some stand-up.
Yep, I know, lovely,
but we do open tonight.
I need to see something,
even if it's not scripted.
It's audience stuff.
What's your name?
Where are you from?
Who cut your hair?
Well, OK. OK. Hit me with it.
You what?
We'll take it from your entrance.
Yes. Um-hmm?
Now... # West End girls
And Tamsin off.
And cue Lewis.
Hiya, boys and girls.
How are you diddling?
Eh? Are you standing proud?
Sorry. Am I missing something?
That's me catchphrase on the radio.
It's Lewis Loud! Are you
standing proud? Kids'll love it.
OK. What then?
Then a bit of banter.
Uh-uh! Show don't tell.
Hiya, son. What's your name?
Where have you come from, Francis?
Cambridge. Well, on the outskirts.
It's a long way to come for a panto.
I don't think it'll be that good.
Only joking. Have you
come with your mum and dad?
They're both dead.
Look, call me old fashioned, Lewis,
but I think we need
something scripted here.
To be fair, Francis,
I don't think there'll be
many kids coming with dead parents.
Oh, really? Well, we may
have children from orphanages.
Or care homes.
We may even have refugees.
Let's not open old wounds because
you have no material. Next scene.
Who likes sweeties?
Throw the sweets. Throw the sweets.
Turn to Dick.
Er, hang on a minute, lovelies.
Two tics.
Di, can he throw sweets
at the audience?
I'm thinking health and safety.
Throw bloody fireworks at them
as far as I'm concerned.
Just give them a good show.
Right. Carry on, please, Johnny.
Turn to Dick.
Well, hello!
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm Dolly the Cook.
London born and bred.
And when I say "bred,"
I don't mean I'm full of dough.
Turn to audience, small titter.
I don't remember that.
There wasn't a titter in the script.
It's timing, darling.
Isn't that right, Johnny?
Yes, dear. Something
I learned at the Old Vic
in my early years
working with Sir John Gielgud.
"Rehearse the character, rehearse
the audience, rehearse the play."
No truer words spoken.
You don't spend a season
under dear old Johnny G
and not know where your gaps are.
Oh, right. So, what do you
think of my new dress?
I went shopping but the only
thing that fitted was a cubicle.
Laugh, laugh, laugh.
Now, you might have met my eldest.
Jack the Lad!
Are you standing proud?
I know I don't look old enough.
Come on, you're not
over the hill yet, mam.
No, but I've got a pretty good view.
Smallish laugh.
Walking towards Johnny.
Turns to audience.
Says line.
Are you actually going to
speak your stage directions?
It's bloody annoying.
When you're up,
hold the rail until your cue.
Let go, down she pops, hmm?
Sweetheart, I once bungeed off the
Tyne Bridge for Donkeys In Crisis.
This is chicken feed. Send me up.
Well, what do you think?
I have good fun. And, no, I don't
have a problem pronouncing my Fs.
Sorry, did you say you were
a Cock-er-ney? Not many, uncle!
Strike a light! Why do you ask?
I thought you was Norwegian.
Cos you got a face like a Norse.
Laugh, laugh, laugh.
You'll be lucky.
Better not stand
too near the orchestra pit.
The only pit
I want to fall on is Brad.
Now, that will get a laugh.
What's Angelina got that I haven't?
More to the point,
what have I go that she hasn't?
Wink. Big laugh. More like it.
Do they work you hard
in the kitchen? Oh, yes, non stop.
In fact, you could say
that they work her...
9 To 5.
Tumble out of bed
and I stumble to the kitchen
Pour myself a cup of ambition
Yawn and stretch
and try to come alive
Jump in the shower
and the blood starts pumping
Out on the street
the traffic starts jumping
The folks like me
on the job from 9 to 5
Working 9 to 5
What a way to make a living
Barely getting by
It's all taking and no giving
They just use your mind
But they never give you credit
It's enough to drive you
crazy if you let it
The little...
9 to 5
For service and devotion
You would
Think that I
Would deserve a fair promotion
Want to move ahead
Get that little sod dancing?
I can't hear you.
Get that litter sod dancing.
Get the dwarf to bloody dance!
I'm OK. I'm OK.
I'm fine.
I wanna word with you.
Take five!
I'm OK. It's Chesney
I'm worried about, he took
the full force of the Gherkin.
I can't stop weeing.
Is anyone else like that? No.
First rule of the theatre, train
your bladder as well as your ego.
When I did my two-hander Les Mis, I
didn't feel the call to trough once.
And nor did Sue Pollard.
I could put a bucket in the...
Do you ever finish
a sentence, darling?
I have never been
surrounded by such a bunch
of incompetent idiots since...
Well, since I last worked for you,
Di. That's libellous, Johnny.
Maybe we could just cut the flying.
Over my dead body. That's Fairy
Liquid's big moment. Sort it out.
I'm fine, guys.
I can do this. I'm a pro.
I think it might be a good idea
if I did one of my
new songs with less guitar.
This whole bloody fiasco is cursed.
Cursed. Did someone mention
the Scottish play?
I bet it was you. The one set
in Glasgow? I mentioned that.
Oh, for heaven's sake!
You all right?
I might need kissing better later.
Listen, babe, now your Paul's
staying, what are we gonna do?
Is Mummy Bear gonna have to be quiet
while you stir her porridge?
And, of course,
I adore porridge.
Do you love porridge?
Right, with the paucity of time,
I think we should carry on
and get to the end of act one.
That'll give us about an hour
before the actual show.
I need ten minutes
to mend the hoist.
Is that...? Oh! Argh!
Sorry, dear. Sorry, dear. It's OK.
Er... Is that really necessary?
Take a wild guess.
I think our Paul
walked out, you know.
Turn that frown upside down
and go find him.
Yeah. And, remember,
I am always here for you.
Over the years, I don't think
I've been such a good dad to him.
Sorry, I've got to get this,
it's my agent.
Hi, Jerry. Yeah. No, I'm great.
Can't wait for you
to meet my new b...
What news? Tamsin! I've got to go.
Can we talk about it later?
I'm not being disruptive. I'm just
not used to working with a tale.
I'm better than this.
I want to be playing Sleepy again.
We can't do Snow White every year.
Sleepy's a great part.
He's got narcoleptic tendencies
and is from a family of six siblings
with conflicting personalities.
Greg, you're not an actor
playing the part of a dwarf.
You're a dwarf who can act a bit.
Di. And this year,
you're a dwarf who is a cat.
Just get on, get off,
and don't bump into the scenery.
I think you're forgetting something
pretty major here, Greg.
Without the cat, there is no show.
No, no, no, listen. Think about it.
London is awash with rats,
the desert island
is awash with rats post-shipwreck.
Who saves the day?
Hmm? Only the best cotton-picking
rat catcher in the business.
So what you're saying is,
even though he has no lines,
the cat's kind of
the lead character.
Did you see the dress rehearsal?
I was a bit knackered so...
Yeah. I was a bit like that when
I was 12. Growth spurts and all that.
I'm 13.
Just testing.
I was thinking, on my day off,
we could go to the pier,
go on the Traumatizer.
It's not there any more.
They moved it to Blackpool.
It's been there for years.
I'm not even into fairs any more.
On Sunday,
JLS are playing in Manchester.
I'm sure I can
get tickets through work.
Brilliant. Can you see if One
Direction are playing as well?
You like One Direction?
About as much as I like JLS.
I'm 13, Dad,
not an eight-year-old girl.
Who are you into?
Elbow, Muse, the Killers.
Well, you'll like Tamsin, then,
she's a bit of a killer.
Ah, Di. Er, yes.
I've been thinking.
Um, I wonder if Like A Virgin is...
too much of a stretch
for our Chantelle.
Vocally, I mean.
Oh, nonsense.
She's got the vocal range
of Katherine Jenkins.
Well, part of it, anyway.
Don't worry. I've sorted something.
Come in.
New costume for Like A... Virgin.
Thanks, Finlay. You're
the only person on this show
who treats me like a human being.
Well, I... You know...
See you.
Are you decent?
Shame. Hi, babe.
Paul was just having a lie down,
weren't you, mate? Growth spurts.
I'm not having a growth spurt.
It's part of growing up.
Ask your dad, he still
gets them now, just not all over.
We'll be doing a bit of
catching up over Christmas.
That's so sweet.
Can just see you two together.
Doing loads of father and son stuff.
Um, fishing, DIY...
We don't do nothing together.
We do. We play footie.
We haven't played since I was five.
You're too busy working.
He's a brilliant goalie. I play
up front now. Not that you'd know.
Well, maybe over the holidays
we can have a kickabout.
Who with? A fairy,
a dwarf and an axe murderer?
I'm not really an axe murderer.
Do you think I should go after him?
Listen, babes.
I've got the most amazing news.
My agent Jerry is coming tonight
and I am so going to introduce you.
You need an agent.
Nice one.
It's more than nice, Lewis. It's
the start of us becoming a team.
It'll really cements us as a brand.
I really think I need
to go after our Paul. Sorry.
I'll see you in a bit.
No, no, no, no, no.
No. It's your best song
and it's not shoe-horned in.
I know but four times?
I could do a new song
just to mash it up a bit.
Chesney, it works. You're
in your shop. You want a loaf.
They have one.
It's the one and only.
Yeah, but... You want
a string of sausages. They have one.
It's the one and only.
You want a new hat. They have one.
It's the one and only.
One and only. I get it.
There's nothing
shoe-horned about that.
OK. OK. I give up. It's not.
Thank you.
It is a bit shoe-horned in.
Thanks, Chantelle.
I've had some bad reviews in my time
but never before opening night.
I didn't see you there. I was once
told by the great David Niven
that these are good for vocal cords.
One has the propensity
to make poor decisions when young.
He's probably doing his best.
Do you reckon?
That's what all parents do.
That's all we can do.
Do you have children?
Yes, yes.
A daughter Finty in Australia and
a small smattering of grandchildren.
Do you ever Skype them?
Beg pardon?
You know, to keep in touch?
Alas, I have to confess, I've not
been the best at keeping in touch.
Why's that? One tries at times,
but life gets in the way.
You see, children don't recognise
that parents want to impress them.
If you can't impress your children,
who can you impress?
Why do you think you can impress
them? Oh, for heaven's sake!
You might like it. Says a young man
throwing stones at his father.
He wouldn't care. He never
notices anything I ever do.
I'm sure that's not the case. Sorry,
mate. Sort your family out first.
Oh, Dick, as I live and breathe.
I never thought I'd se you again.
Sweet Alice, what are you doing
here? This is my father's shop.
Daddy, this is Dick who I told
you about. Dick, this is my daddy.
The one and only
Alderman Fitzwarren.
The one and only? You mean
there aren't any more of him?
That's right, Dick, because...
I am the one and only
Nobody I'd rather be
I am the one and only
You can't take that away from me
Di, have you seen our Paul?
Look at that. Genius.
# Nobody I'd rather be...
Shoe-horned, my arse.
I am the one and only
You can't take that away from me
Ladies and...
Ladies and...
Say it with your eyes shut.
It might help.
Ladies and gentlemen
of the Dick Whittington company,
this is your half-hour call.
Half an hour,
ladies and gentlemen.
Francis! Yes?
Oh, Francis.
I got the list of confirmations.
Look who's coming. Actual celebs.
Oh, wow. I almost
recognise some of them.
You see, that is
Tamsin's pulling power for you.
Ignore Cheryl Baker.
She's pranged her Daewoo.
Shoulders, Chantelle.
It's these shoes.
I'm sure Darcey Bussell
doesn't blame her sling-backs.
And stop flirting
with stage management.
You're worth much more than that.
You'd better make sure
this is bloody good.
We've actually got a red carpet.
Actually, have we got a red carpet?
Get me a red carpet!
Now, boys and girls.
Jerry, stop hassling me.
I'm about to go on.
Where's your career?
It's behind you!
Don't tell me, Chesney's lost
a tonsil, the dwarf's jumped ship,
and the fairy's hung herself?
No, just wondering
if you'd seen our Paul.
Come in, Lewis.
You and I need to have a chat.
What about?
What mistakes?
Life mistakes.
Somebody from Emmerdale Farm
and a Vorderman.
Brian. He works for the local paper.
But he's still a Vorderman
and, apparently,
a very fine mathematician.
Yes, well, good luck, guys.
Be fabulous. Knock 'em dead!
And remember...
Don't touch the scenery.
Good luck, babe.
I'm in my zone!
What's this, puss? What's this?
Fetch it! Where is it?
Babe! Oh!
Wish me luck.
Break a leg.
That's not funny.
London Calling
London calling
to the faraway towns
Now war is declared
and battle come down
London calling to the underworld
Come out of the cupboard,
you boys and girls
London calling,
now don't look to us
Phony Beatlemania
has bitten the dust
London calling,
see we ain't got no swing
Except for the ring
of the truncheon thing
The ice age is coming,
the sun's zooming in
Meltdown expected,
the weak air's growing thin
Engines stop running
but I have no fear
Cos London is drowning and I...
Live by the river
Hellos, boys and girls!
My name is Richard Whittington!
Or for short, you can call me
Richard Whittington.
I've come to Old London
Town with my trusty cat Tickles.
All right, don't milk it.
Because I've heard that
the streets are paved with gold.
Oh, my! What a lovely pussy.
He looks like he eats his Go-Cat.
Compliments, fair damsel,
will get you everywhere.
Do I look like a damsel in distress?
No, but you look like
a damsel in dat dress.
The name's Dick.
Dick Whittington.
And I'm Alice.
Must be why
I feel like I'm in Wonderland.
Might I kiss you, fair Alice?
Cor! Ain't she lovely?
I'll see her later.
And you! Goodbye, boys and girls.
I'm sorry.
So you said.
I am sorry, Tony. When we got there,
I just couldn't get on the plane.
So you said.
I was really looking forward
to that holiday, Gina.
I know.
But I've never had
a Christmas without my baby.
He's not a baby, he's 12!
He's 13.
You've got to cut the apron strings
sometime, you know.
I'm sorry.
So you said.
I can't believe Dick kissed me.
I've never been kissed before.
I guess you could say I'm...
like a virgin.
I made it through the wilderness
Somehow I made it through
Didn't know how lost I was
until I found you
I was beat incomplete
I'd been had
I was sad and blue
But you made me feel
Yeah, you made me feel
Shiny and new
Like a virgin
Touched for the very first time
Like a vir-ir-ir-ir-gin
When your heart beats
My ex-husband is in the cast.
You can't get in without a ticket.
I want to get my son. You'll
have to wait until the interval
unless you purchase a ticket.
Gina. Tony, go to the box office
and get a couple of tickets.
To watch this crap?
You're joking, aren't you?
I left my bumbag in the car.
I don't usually have a bumbag.
I was going on holiday.
Where are you going now?
Stage door.
Make me strong
Yeah, you make me bold
Oh, your love thawed out
Yeah, your love thawed out
What was scared and cold
Like a virgin
Touched for the very first time
Like a vir-ir-ir-ir-gin
When you heart beats next to mine
Like a virgin
Woah! Woah! Woah! Woah! Woah! Woah!
Hello, boys and girls!
How are you diddling?
Yeh! Come on! Come on, let's have it.
Are you standing proud?
Oh, look, the Spice Girls
are in Lancaster.
A lobster went into the pub and said,
"Can I have a pint of lager?"
The barman said, "Get out!" He said,
"Why?" He said, "You're banned!"
"What am I banned for?"
"Last time you came in,
you were giving it all that."
Oh, look.
Here's Dick.
Jack the Lad, can you tell me
the quickest was to get to
the Alderman Fitzwarren?
That depends, doesn't it?
Are you going by foot or car?
By car.
Well, that's the quickest way then.
Come on, seriously, how far?
Roughly speaking?
Roughly speaking.
- Oh, I'd say...
- ..two miles.
What's he like? Come on,
can't you be more specific, Jack?
The Alderman Fitzwarren?
Oh, let me see.
You'll find that by the B&Q.
Is there a B&Q in Lancaster?
No, but there's
an A and an L and an N.
I used to have a job in B&Q.
Did you?
Yeah, but I got sacked.
A man came in and said,
"I need decking." I went, bang.
Come on, Jack. Let's go, puss.
Bye, boys and girls.
That's my dad.
Come in if you're good looking.
Tamsin, darling.
We need to talk.
Jerry! Look at me
in my altogether.
Come in.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
They're loving you, mate. Chezzer,
who could've thought could've
been this good? It's brilliant.
This is why we do it, Lewis.
"Mr Loud to stage door, please.
Mr Loud to stage door."
I'm loving it.
Hang on. No!
Argh! No! No!
See you later, fella. Ow!
Celebrity Sleigh Rides?
Brand-new reality show.
Twelve celebrities battle it out
to get to the north pole first.
It's gonna be huge.
Been in all the papers.
I thought you said
you couldn't get me on this.
Oh! They want me to go tonight?
Samantha Womack
pulled out last minute.
Pretty big skis to fill
but I said, "If anyone
can fill it, my Tamsin can."
Well, I don't know, Jerry.
You'd look great in a snow suit.
I imagine. Well, I have imagined.
How long is it on for?
Three weeks.
Three weeks? Unless, of course, you
get voted off after the first show.
But you won't be. You're Mad Mindy,
the nation's favourite murderess.
No. I don't want to go.
Babycakes, don't do this to me.
I told them you'll go.
It'll be perfect for you.
I can't go away for three weeks,
Jerry. Not on my own.
I don't mind coming with you.
I could stay at the ice hotel.
Shoot some craps with Sue and Mel.
They're hosting.
I want Lewis to come with me.
He plays Jack the Lad.
Jerry, you know how important
this new relationship is to me.
I actually think he's the one.
If you can get him on it as well,
then I'll consider going.
Bloody hell. What are you doing
here? The holiday got cancelled.
You're joking. Why?
Well, the toilet freshener company
has gone bust,
so they cancelled
our flights and hotel.
So we've come to get Paul.
He's staying with me now. Where is
he? In the theatre. You don't know
where he is. He's watching the show.
You didn't want him. He's better
off with us. I did want him.
Huh! What are you huffing at?
I'm huffing at you.
Pretending you want him. You always
let him down. What's it to do
with you? They live in my house!
I didn't ask her to move in with you.
If you weren't such a prick,
maybe she wouldn't have done.
I am here, you know.
Gentlemen, if I may be so bold.
Why don't we allow the parents
to discuss young Paul,
while you and I, perhaps,
go and have a cup of tea?
I'm not having a cup of tea
with Dame Edna. Gina,
I'll be in the car.
Don't be too long.
Excuse me!
Come on.
This always happens. Always happens!
I love him, Jerry.
He's the one. The guy who fitted
your splash-backs was the one.
The vet who put your
Shih Tzu to sleep was the one.
Who's it gonna be next week?
Don't belittle my feelings.
Don't you see?
You're asking the impossible.
Fine, I won't go.
Can you zip me up, please?
The clue is in the title.
Celebrity Sleigh Ride.
Lewis is not a celebrity.
Come on, Jerry. Work your magic.
I dare you.
Look, Gina, I know I've not always
been the best dad in the world.
Oh! Insight.
Is that Chesney Hawkes?
I was just leaving.
Cheers, mate. No, no.
Don't go on our account. Cheers.
I didn't know he was disabled.
Look, even when we were together,
I know I didn't put the time in.
I was too busy working on my career.
Messing around on the radio? You're
no Steve Wright In The Afternoon.
I'm on in the morning.
You know what I mean.
I want to put it right now.
Please, Gina,
let me have this time.
If I don't start
building bridges with him now,
when am I ever gonna do it?
Bloody hell, Lewis.
What's happened to you?
I dunno. Maybe I've
learned from my mistakes.
I don't know.
What about Christmas day?
You can see him on Christmas day.
Come to my house.
Just don't bring meathead.
One turkey on Christmas is enough
Stop it.
Come on, Gin.
I don't know.
What are you doing here?
Puerto Banus got cancelled.
What a waste of a jingle, eh?
Your mum's come to take you home.
Er, all right.
I asked if you could stay. I know
you probably won't like the show,
but I thought afterwards we could
get take-away, watch crap telly.
Dad. Maybe tomorrow,
we could go to the park,
have a kickaround. I'd like that.
I don't hate it.
You what? The panto.
You're joking? You're good.
He's really funny, you know, Mum.
Yeah, I do vaguely remember.
Oh, aye.
He's dead funny.
You heard them all laughing.
Yeah, but... I was, like,
to everyone, "He's my dad."
Oh, lad.
Is this a wind-up? Piss off. Don't
speak to your father like that.
Come here.
I'm going to ring you tomorrow.
Answer your phone.
Thanks, G.
Thanks, Mum.
See ya.
See ya. Appreciate it.
Look, I know that won't want him.
Just book the geezer a ticket.
It'll get her on the plane.
By the time they land, I can say Mel
and Sue have put the kibosh on it.
Or some other bollocks.
All right, short-arse?
All that matters
is that I get her on the plane.
Knowing Tamsin, she'll be bored with
him before they check the bags in.
Just book the ticket now.
Great! Thanks! Nice one!
Thanks, Sue. Give my best to Mel.
Tell her I loved them cakes.
Lewis! Have you got a minute?
It's act-two beginners.
My agent thinks you're great.
Jerry, this is Lewis.
Lewis, this is Jerry.
All right, mate? How are you?
Oh, that accent isn't put on.
Please, sit down.
I've got something to tell you.
You're pregnant? You're not, are you?
No. Why? Do I look fat? No.
What's the news? We've got to get
back on stage. I'm not going back on.
I'm leaving.
You're leaving the panto?
I have got an ickle job offer.
And not so ickle.
I've been asked to go on
Celebrity Sleigh Ride.
Ah! How exciting is that?
Wow! Brilliant.
I know. I'm so lucky.
What is it?
It's been in all the papers.
Celebrities battling it out to be
first to get to the north pole.
God, that sounds shit.
They want you on it too.
But I like the concept.
It's going to be big, Lewis.
Yeah, well, I'm not really a celeb.
Not outside the northwest.
I'm massive in Morecambe but...
Is this a wind-up?
No. Come on, Jerry, tell him.
I knew they were looking
for a non-celeb to go on.
Fool the others they're famous,
that kind of thing.
I convinced them it should be you.
You're joking?
Jerry's brilliant.
Say you'll do it, Lewis.
Imagine me and you in the snow.
We'll be like the new
king and queen of... the pole.
Bloody hell.
I don't know what to say.
Well, say yes, babe.
Think of all the spin-offs.
You are going to be famous.
It's a great opportunity, Lewis.
Oh, brilliant! They need us
at the airport in an hour.
In an hour?
Come on, say you'll do it, Lewis.
Get on that plane with me tonight.
It's now or never.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You're in there.
They're like Girls Aloud
on Zimmer frames, yeah.
You all right, Dad?
Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?
Dunno. You just seem a bit...
I just wanted to check you were OK.
Yeah. Dad, do you know tonight?
Can we get a Chinese?
I just fancy a nice crispy duck.
Yeah, of course we can, mate.
No matter what happens,
I'll make sure you get your Chinese.
What are you doing out here?
You're spoiling the magic.
It's Dick Whittington, mate,
not bleeding Macbeth!
Don't say that.
Things are bad enough.
Di wants to speak
to full cast on stage now.
See you later, mate, OK?
All right. See you later.
There he is.
Oh, my god! He's so gorgeous.
Ready, handsome?
Tamsin, I...
Oh, god! Don't do this to me.
Oh, god!
I'm feeling really psychic.
You're not coming, are you?
I'm sorry.
Oh, my heart's breaking
into a million little pieces.
Every piece has got your name on it.
Don't say that.
But it's true.
We could have
been brilliant you and me.
We could've been a bit shit, though.
Well, I guess we'll
never know now, eh?
Bye, babe.
I'll go into the snow on my own.
I've got to hold on to this feeling.
In case I have to be really upset
in Casualty or something.
You won't get in trouble
if he don't come, will you?
I've got us out of tighter spots.
I'll sort it. Come on.
Alas, we have a mutiny on our hands.
As you know,
I'm always professional.
But I have to tell you
the shit has hit the fan!
And that shit
is called Tamsin Taylor.
She's left the show.
Ah, Lewis.
Amazed you've shown your face.
Traitor. Murderer!
And Lewis has decided to join her
and appear on Celebrity Sleigh Ride.
Standing proud now, are we, Mr Loud?
Actually, Di, I've decided to stay.
Oh... I um... I take back what
I said about you being a murderer.
Well, it was a bit strong.
And not in context.
I can't do this, it's not working.
Just yank it open, you daft cow!
Not this! Us!
This isn't working. You and me.
I knew. You want to get back
with him. I'm sick of this!
No, I don't!
And I'll tell you what I'm sick of.
I'm sick of refereeing
between you and our Paul
and you and Lewis and you and the
world. I've just had enough of it!
I wanna be on my own.
I'm afraid
we are left with no option
but to cancel the show.
Oh, no. If I don't have a Dick,
we don't have a panto.
You've still got a cat.
A great cat. A cat who cares.
To be fair, Greg, what I said
earlier about the cat being
the lead, it's all bollocks.
But what we had was good.
What? OK, good is pushing it.
But it was improving.
We must be able to do something.
Can't we get a new Dick
and start again tomorrow?
Lewis, it's opening night.
All the press are out there.
If we bomb now, you can forget it.
Can't one of us be Dick?
People don't know their own lines,
let alone anybody else's.
I know Dick's lines. Really?
I had to learn them
so I knew when to miaow.
Honestly, Greg,
I know you mean well
but to play Dick
we really need someone
who's a... a...
Who is an actor.
And Gregory is an actor.
It's one way not to cancel the show.
Really? Chantelle and Greg?
They look like the Krankies
but in reverse. Oh, thanks.
Front of house are getting restless.
Are we going up?
How can you sing the timeless
Sinitta classic So Macho to Greg?
Drop the song or play it for laughs.
They'll laugh anyway.
Alice is not a comedy role.
I know but she's also
supposed to be played by someone
who can sing, dance and act.
Mum, I'm crap. I've always been crap
and I'll always be crap.
Doesn't mean it can't be funny.
I don't think you're crap.
# Why are waiting?
I think you're amazing.
Oh, why are waiting?
It's a panto, Di.
It should be played for laughs.
Why are waiting?
Why not?
The show must go on.
We've all been through so much
together. You have, to be fair.
If Greg plays Dick,
who's going to play the cat?
The costume won't fit anyone else.
It'll fit me.
Yeah. He's done school plays.
Does he know Tickle's motivation?
Can you stroke your tail
and not bump into the scenery?
He can do it.
But you can't have a cat
the same size as your Dick.
A little Dick
is better than no Dick.
Di, are we going to do this?
That audience sounds mutinous.
You're so good to me.
It's not all about you, mother.
We're not doing it for you, we're
doing it for that lot out there.
Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls,
I come to ask you a favour.
Be patient with us, one and all,
for, in the last few moments,
our appearance
might have changed somewhat.
Some of us have grown taller
and some of us have shrunk.
But the story we bring
for your delectation and delight
still rings just as bright.
So, please, settle down,
kick back, relax, er...
take off your hats
and continue to enjoy the tale
of Dick Whittington And His Cat.
Exit stage left.
Think I got away with it.
Hello, boys and girls.
It's me Dick Whittington.
I shrunk a bit in the wash.
And this is my cat Tickles! Miaow.
As you can see, he's a very big cat.
But he's not a lion
and I'm not a king.
Eh? Lion King!
A wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh,
a wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh
So macho
He's gotta be so macho
He's gotta be big and strong
Enough to turn me on
He's gotta have big blue eyes
Be able to satisfy
He's gotta be big and strong
Enough to turn me on
So macho!
No! Argh! Aarrgghh!
"I've got an email here
from Gemma from Grange-over-Sands.
We have posh people here."
She says, 'Dear Lewis,
I thought you and the cast
were wonderful last night.'
'We really had a good laugh.
In fact, we enjoyed it so much
we've booked to come again.'
Well, you can't say fairer than that.
If you were at the gig last night,
you would have seen
my good friend, the fabulous
Chesney Hawkes sing his classic
The One And Only.
But, for you, I've got a brand-new
song from dear old Chezzer.
"# Daddy, please,
make me an aeroplane"
I'll tell you what,
you can come again, Paul,
if you get your dad here on time.
"# I watch you fly"
"# With the sun in my eyes"
"# I walk you home"
Finty, I must show you this.
There's your dad.
That's me. I know.
Ridiculous, isn't it?
Lewis, ho can I help you?
Just to let you know we're on our
way in but we'll be a bit late.
Sorry? Don't worry.
We'll be in time for the show.
There's just something
we need to do first.
So many snapshots in time
If anyone can make me stand still
You will, you will
There's no time to kill
How do we stop the wheels turning?
For a moment
Let's get off the train
Let the aeroplane go
Just like magic for everyone here
Let it go!
Just like magic,
the world disappears
Let it go!
Just like magic,
now everything's clear
Let it go!
Just like magic
Just like magic
These moments make up a life
And you want to take it all in
Just falling,
these moments make up a life