Parenthood (1989) Movie Script
Peanuts! Roasted!
Freshly roasted!
Get your peanuts!
Roasted! Red hot!
Hot peanuts!
Red hots! How about
some red hot peanuts?
Peanuts!
Get your peanuts here!
Go, go, go, go!
Safe!
Now batting for the Cardinals,
number 14, Stanley Boyer
Come on!
We missed four innings
Well, like I said, I had
to stop and do some business
Here, sit down
Hey, you, usher, come here
Can I talk to you a second?
Yes, sir
Can you watch him?
Sure, no problem
I'll be back
Gil, this is Stan He's
gonna watch you for a while
I have some friends
I'm meeting
I'll meet you right here, huh?
For the ninth inning Have fun, kid
Programs here!
Get your programs! Programs!
Programs here!
Get your programs! Programs!
So, Gilly,
big baseball fan?
Kind of Yeah? Dad bring you here a lot?
Once a year on my birthday Then
he pays an usher to watch me
Oh, I see
Look, you have
to understand
My father,
in his own childhood,
was without
a positive male influence
Huh?
His own father kicked
him out when he was 15,
so my Dad was taught to see
child-raising as a job, a burden,
a prison,
rather than a playground
Do you understand
what I'm saying?
You don't talk like a kid
Yeah, well, I'm not really
a kid You're not a duck
This is a memory
of when I was a kid
I'm 35 now
I have kids of my own
You don't really
even exist
You're an amalgam
A what?
A combination of several ushers
my dad left me with over the years
I've combined them into one memory Why?
This was a great symbolic
moment of my life,
my father dumping me
with you
It's why I swore things would
be different with my kids
That's my dream
Strong, happy,
confident kids
That's great That's great You
know, you got a lovely family,
and I'm a goddamn amalgam
Gil?
Who's that?
That's my wife
Nice
Gil
Yeah?
The game's over, honey
The St Louis Cardinals wish to
thank you for attending today's game
Please drive home
safely and soberly
Let's go!
Come on, Justin
You want to walk?
Come on, Justin
Come on, let's walk
It's fun
Come on, let's walk
You sure you don't want
to walk? There we go
I'll get it I'll get it
There's your pennant
There you go
I got him
All right?
Yes
Come on, watch it,
watch it, watch it
There you go
Watch the car
Watch it
There's so many cars
Here you go
Here you go Down?
Where is that kid?
Where is she?
Daddy! Oh, there she is There she is
All right, come on, go
inside Grab a seat Buckle up
Honey Taylor!
You're a rat
You're a rat!
When you're sliding into first
And you're feeling
something burst
Diarrhea
Diarrhea
When you're sliding into third
And you lay a juicy turd
Diarrhea
Diarrhea
When you're sliding
into home
And your shorts
are full of foam
Diarrhea
Diarrhea
When you're sitting
in your Chevy
And your shorts
are feeling heavy
Diarrhea
Diarrhea
Kevin, honey,
where'd you learn that song?
Last summer
at camp, Mom
Ah! That was money
well spent
When you're sliding into first
And you're feeling
something burst
Diarrhea
Diarrhea
That's what you're gonna
sleep in? You'll get cold
Perfect
Gil, Taylor isn't
feeling well She wants you
It's those hot dogs I'll
deal with Kevin and Justin
Hey, what do you say later, when the
kids are asleep, I wear this outfit?
She's in our bed
Hi, Daddy
What's the matter, honey?
You don't feel so good?
Mmm-mmm
You feel like you wanna throw up? Okay
Gil
Oh, my God
Oh, Taylor, baby
Oh, sweetie
Gil, why are you
just standing there?
Oh, sweetie! I'm waiting
for her head to spin around
You'll be all right
You'll be okay
Oh, can you
come with me
to see Kevin's principal
on Monday morning?
Oh, boy I love it when you talk
to me about school and meetings
Now talk to me
about shopping
No, I know I know
Go on, go on
I'm sorry I just remembered now
I've been meaning to ask you, okay?
Fine I'll be there
Okay
What's the matter?
Nothing I was a little
tense before but now
No, no I mean with Kevin Why are
we going to see his principal?
Oh, because his teacher said
he's been making that face again
What? This?
Yes The tense face
He makes that same face
at Little League
You know what
his teacher asked me?
What?
If we'd ever taken him
for a psychiatric evaluation
What?
She was just asking
Why, because
he makes a face?
Has she ever
looked in the mirror?
You know, the face,
the crying, the nervousness
They mentioned
the crying?
Yeah You know, he doesn't
really finish his work
Hey, we'll talk to them on Monday
Don't worry, I'm sure it'll be fine
Come here
Where was I?
Here? Was I here?
Yeah, yeah
I was there already?
Mmm-hmm
You know,
that really pisses me off
Kid's a little different, a little
special, needs a little more attention,
teacher's gonna put a
label on him "Problem kid"
When we go see
Kevin's principal,
let's find out who his
teacher is gonna be next year
and make sure it's not
one of these hysterics!
You're right, Gil You know, Kevin's
great He can't be that much of a problem
Right Now, if it was
my sister's kid
Garry
Now, there's a kid
with problems
Hi, Garry!
You're up so early!
Yeah
Where are you going?
Out
What's in the bag?
Nothing
Garry, you know, the whole
family's coming over tonight
There's a big surprise Grandma
and Grandpa are gonna be here,
and Uncle Gil and Aunt Karen,
they're bringing their kids
Aunt Susie's gonna be here,
and Uncle Nathan,
their kids and It was
nice talking to you
Julie!
Hey, Julie!
Yeah?
Julie, can I come in for a minute? Yeah
Julie, I really need your help The
whole family's coming over tonight
I don't know why,
but the place is a mess
Could you just
give me a hand?
Yeah, okay,
in just a few minutes
Are you all right? I thought
I heard you moaning last night
Well, I kind of had a
little bit of a stomachache,
but it's fine now
It's gone
You hate me?
What?
You know, for making you study so
much and giving up all your dates
No, you were right
Honey, I'm telling you, those
SAT scores are your ticket
And, sweetie, you know,
once you get to school,
you're gonna meet a lot of guys that
you like just as well as that Tod
Why do you always say "that
Tod"? It just sounds so
You're right I'm sorry It's
been pleasant for a moment
Okay, I guess I'm just gonna give
everybody spaghetti and salad,
and I better cook a steak for
my dad See you later, honey
Are you okay?
Man, your mother can talk!
Gosh, she hates my ass
And it's such
a cute ass
Last night, she heard the
moaning She thought it was me
Yeah?
Mmm-hmm
So you're gonna have to try
and control yourself, Tod
With you? It's impossible
Wait
What?
I brought something
Ooh! Good
We can record our love
Susan Hi, Sis, it's Helen
Yeah, did I loan you my big
platter? Oh, great, great
Yeah, I thought so Would
you bring it over tonight?
I just need it to serve
Oh, listen,
Julie got 1,291 on her SATs
I know I know I feel so
proud of her It's great
Yeah How's Patty?
We're a little disappointed
with the effort
she's been giving lately
towards her work
Math, French,
everything's gone down
Nathan's talking to her right now
He's trying to figure out what's wrong
Look, Patty,
all I'm saying is,
if you wanna have just an
ordinary academic career
and attend an ordinary university,
that's your prerogative,
but I must tell you I think
you're selling yourself way short
How's it going?
I don't know Sometimes I feel as
though we want it more than she does
Patty, you know
we love you
Could you just give your father that
little extra effort he's looking for?
Okay, Mama
That's all I ask
Come on, Kevin
I got you
I want that, Kevin I want that! No
Kevin! Taylor!
No!
Time to come in
now, children
Okay
Okay, Grandma
Hey, hey, you wanna
Come on, I don't believe it
Gil, you have a good memory
Was it yours or Helen or
Susan's wedding I got drunk at?
It was all three, Dad
Congratulations
Well, which one did I
punch the bandleader?
That was mine
We have photos
I'm having them blown up
for the commitment hearings
You think he's funny, huh? When
he was a kid, he wasn't this funny
Stayed in his room all day Boy, you
were a moody little son of a bitch
Gee, I wonder why?
Do you remember that little
guy who wouldn't leave my side?
I know
Well, now, you know, if I take a step
towards him, he just takes a step away
I don't know what's
happening to him, you know
He's just so unhappy
and he won't talk to me, and
I don't know how to help him
Did you ever consider
having Ed talk to him?
Are you kidding?
He won't even acknowledge
he's got these kids,
now that he's got his new wife
and his new kids!
He won't even fix
my kids' teeth anymore
He says it makes him
uncomfortable
Please
Yeah, I wish he'd drop
his drill down his pants
Are you seeing anybody?
Well, Garry's biology teacher
asked me out
Biology? That's promising
No, no, no, no He's not
the type I usually go for
"The Penal Colony
by Franz Kafka"
Hey, Nathan,
Patty a doctor yet?
Mock if you will
All right
Our children are more capable of retaining
and absorbing information than we are,
and yet we insist on treating
them like adorable little morons
What are you saying, Patty
can learn things I can't learn?
Patty, which one of these
is the square root of 8,649?
Ninety-three
They're like sponges, Gil,
just waiting to absorb
I want this
You see?
Take my advice Forget about Kevin and
Taylor It's too late Work on Justin
Actually, Justin is quite bright In
his preschool class, he was the only
Slow down, Justin
I'll get you some dip
Oh, you remember that guy you went
out with in college? Jeffrey Sanders?
You know, you always chased me out
of the room whenever he came over
Oh, yeah
I saw him today
God, what a loser, huh?
In a Rolls
I meant me
What is that?
Oh, Nathan and Patty and I
are power-eating
We bring our own
food everywhere
He turned me onto it,
and I never felt better
Where do you
get that stuff?
This is it Everybody in the living
room This is the big surprise
Okay, Frank
Oh, Larry My baby
You look great
Dad!
How are you, son?
Oh, boy
Great to see you!
Shit
Well put
Who's that? Wait a second,
I've got something for you
That's my kid brother
Larry Your uncle
Don't give him
any money
I won't
Just a little something for
being the best dad in the world
I found it a couple of months
ago It's for your collection
A toy car!
Oh, this is great
A Stutz!
Yeah, you got it Spend
it on the people you love,
right?
Is this Grandma?
Yeah, she's still alive
Jesus, Grandma,
you got short
I'm shrinking
Bummer
Gilbo
Larry
How long has it been?
Three years? About that
You stopped
wearing your turban
Yeah
My God, Susan, you look great
If you weren't my sister
Helen, I know
it's been hard
Dad?
You were supposed to wait
outside so I could introduce you
Well, why don't you
do it now, Larry?
Everybody,
this is my son Cool
Did he say, "Cool"?
Cool
Your son?
It's a long story
Let's eat
Yeah, well, good idea
Keep Patty
away from my brother
He'll suck the intelligence
right out of her
Cool is adorable Adorable Why didn't
you ever write us you had a son?
I didn't know myself
until a couple of months ago
You see, a few years ago, I was
living in Vegas with this girl
Showgirl She was
in that show Elvis on Ice
Anywho, we drifted apart as people
do in these complicated times,
and then a couple of months
ago, she shows up with Cool,
tells me, "You watch him I shot
someone I have to leave the country"
That's a parent?
Anyway,
we're back in town because I've
got something really huge cooking
Enormo Monster
Dad, this is it!
From now on, I'm going to
be taking care of all of you
This isn't another get-rich-quick
scheme, is it, Larry?
What's wrong
with getting rich quick?
Quick is the best way to get
rich Look who I'm talking to
Did you ever see
her family?
They find a nickel, they huddle
together and bury it like squirrels
What's the deal, son?
What do you have going?
Has anyone heard
of hydroponics?
Well, that's great, Larry
Hydroponics is the growing of plants
without soil It's very exciting
What are you using? Coarse
sand or suspension hydroponics?
I don't
There's a guy with glasses
and a lab coat
that makes that decision
I make the deal
And I got to thinking Cool's
had no kind of life, no family,
so while I'm locking
this thing down,
I thought it'd be nice
if we stayed with you
With us?
Couple of weeks
The thing is, Larry, we don't have
the big house anymore, you know?
We didn't need it
We just have the one bedroom
for us and one for Grandma
Well, Grandma's welcome
to stay with us for a while
I think it'd be valuable for Patty
to have a multigenerational influence
Fine with me
Well, I'll have to give you a list of
the medications, and when and how much,
and you'll have to
pick up her shower chair
There's the batteries for her hearing
aid, magnifying glass for reading
Oh, jeez
What happened?
Your mouth used up
all the power
Don't worry, Dad,
we can still find the bar
I'll get a flashlight
I'll get it, Sis
Mom, Dad,
what happened?
Where is it? In the bedroom?
It's in the nightstand
Mom, Dad, what happened?
I'm getting a flashlight
Kevin Kevin! You know I
don't like it in the dark
Honey,
this is a blackout
It's a temporary interruption in
the electrical supply of the home
It's okay, honey
Something's busted Relax
Where's the switch? Does
this look like my house?
Here Bring it here
Oh, here it is
What is this?
Mommy, what was that?
That was
an electric ear cleaner
It was kind of big
It sure was
I mean, I don't think you
really have to worry about it
The point is that once they see us,
then they'll realize that we're fine,
and the kid is fine,
and it's not something
Gil
Karen
I think we're going to
have to be very careful
about Kevin's
educational environment
Absolutely
With that in mind,
I don't think Kevin should
come back here next fall
I'm going to recommend that
he be transferred to a school
that offers special
education classes
You mean because
he's so smart?
Actually, I mean a class for
children with emotional problems
Hi I'm sorry I'm late
You must be the Buckmans
I'm Dr Jeffrey Lucas
Dr Lucas is
a child psychologist
He's been observing Kevin
for the last couple of months
Why?
Mr Buckman,
this is a public school
Thirty-eight kids
to a class
We estimate that Kevin's
teacher spends at least
20% of her time
dealing with Kevin
That class is going to finish
the year behind It isn't fair
Kevin is a very sweet, very
sensitive, extremely tense little boy
He needs
some special attention
It's 'cause he was first Mmm?
It's because
he was our first
I mean, I think we were very
tense when Kevin was little
If he got a scratch,
we were hysterical
By the third kid, you know,
you let them juggle knives
On the other hand, Kevin may
have been like this in the womb
Recent studies indicate that
these things are all chemical
She smoked grass
Gil! I never smoked
when I was pregnant
Yeah, but in college,
you were like a chimney
I thought you were
gonna join a reggae band
Fifteen years ago
I'm just saying there could've
been some chromosome distortions
Well, you let them do anything You
let them watch TV just like that
So we'll throw the TVs out We'll
put the TVs in the garbage, then,
and you and I, we'll perform
works from Shakespeare or some
I'm sorry
I'm just a little
thrown off by this
Gil Karen
You should not look upon the fact that
Kevin will be going to a special school
as any kind of failure
on your part
No, I'll blame the dog
In an educational environment
that's more sensitive to his needs
All right, look First of all, Kevin
is not going to a special school
Whether it's right or not,
there's a stigma
People are cruel,
especially children,
and I won't subject Kevin
to that kind of cruelty
If we have to, we'll send
him to a private school
I don't care what it costs
I'll get a second job
Mr and Mrs Buckman, this is a
problem that won't just go away
Well, if we need to, we'll send
Kevin to a private therapist
That's right Look, it's a
problem We're aware of it,
but we're his parents
We can handle it
Well,
the next school year is
four months off, so
let's see
what can be accomplished
Thank you
No! Tod Tod!
I need to see No, not in
the street Please Please
What is this?
It's the party celebrating my
mother's promotion at the bank
Give me that
Give me that
Excuse me This is the wrong
batch This is my mother's
There should be
another envelope for Buckman
Okay
That was picked up already
By who?
Huh
Hmm
I think this one is my
favorite This is just
It was just for fun, Mom Well,
I'm glad to know it's not a job
That's that Tod, isn't it? There's
one where you can see his face
Is that what bothers you?
That I did those things
or that I did them with Tod?
Gee whiz, Julie, there's so many
things that bother me about this
I don't know
how to separate them
Oh!
Ooh! Here's something
for my wallet
Tod is very important to me And
we've got the pictures to prove it
Mom!
This is your room
You did these things
right here in my house?
Well, I thought someone in this
house ought to be having sex
I mean, with something that
doesn't require batteries
What did you say to me? God
damn it, you get back here!
Open this door,
God damn it to hell!
I would just like a little
respect! Not a lot! Just a little!
Do you know why I'm having sex
with machinery?
Because your father left to have a
party, and I stayed to raise two kids
I have no life! God damn it!
What are you doing?
I'm leaving before we
say things we'll regret
You're gonna say something
worse than the battery remark?
Tod and I are in love
It's not "going steady"
love, it's love
I need him
He's my life
He touches me, and I quiver
Oh, would you give me
just a small break?
See? You can't handle it
Tod's working now We'll find
a place to live somewhere
Hi, Garry
Hi
I'm moving out, Garry
Bye
See? You've upset
your brother!
Julie,
I'm telling you,
if you walk out of this house
against my wishes,
don't ever think
about coming back here
Fine
Julie!
Julie!
Julie!
Honey
Honey, I'm always here
if you need me
Sweetheart!
Honey, be careful If you
want anything, just call me!
Julie!
Bye
Oh, man
Incredible
Just incredible
I knew you'd be the one
who'd appreciate this
Three years, every night, every
weekend I had dinner out here!
You know, it was a piece
of junk when I found it
First time I got laid
was in a car like this
Frank!
What?
Cool just finished lunch
I'll call the newspaper
I thought you and Larry
could take him somewhere
I am showing Larry my car
Just plop him down
in front of the TV
That's what he
always does
Wasn't that Super Bowl incredible
right down to the last minute?
Amazing
They're usually not
that close, huh? Oh, no
No, that's right,
and usually
the winning team covers
the point spread Usually
you can count on it
Take a beating? No,
thanks I already took one
Anyway, I had to pay off,
and it's left me a little
What do you need?
Come on, don't insult me I
didn't come here to be insulted
Come on Come on
Putting together a deal, you got to
look like you can piss with the big boys
You see? You know
How much?
Couple of thousand
Three, tops
Three?
Tops
Good
You see, Grandma, Patty
studies Eastern philosophy
Our future leaders are gonna have to be
much more in tune with the Oriental mind
Okay, sweetie,
one more time
Nathan, guess what?
Oh, you're home early
Yeah, I have good news
What?
What's up?
I'm going to teach
summer school classes
That means we'll have
vacation money
Oh, that's great
Mexico
S, s
Gil and Karen are gonna take
Patty I just wanna call them
Gee, honey, I'm really not too pro
on Patty spending a week with Gil
Why not? They offered
I'm a little concerned about his
jocularity I mean, he's a wonderful guy
It's just he's a little, you know,
light-hearted about things that I
That, you know,
that we consider important
She has fun over there You
know, she scampers She cavorts
Try this
We take Patty with us
To Mexico?
It's a perfect opportunity
to start her on Spanish
It'll be fun
Nathan
I thought it would be nice
if you and I could be alone
We will be
We'll get two rooms
Which one will I be in?
Patty
That means
"come here" in Spanish!
Por favor Please
I want you
to listen to something
I got a tape
of a mariachi band
An authentic, indigenous,
native Mexican form of music
Gil, good morning
Hello, Cindy
When were you
gonna tell me?
Tell you what?
Lenny called this morning and
he said they were wondering
where I thought we should take Phil
Richards to celebrate his partnership
That Lenny is an asshole
Do you believe that guy?
Nobody was supposed to have
that information until next month
That partnership is mine
You said it was just held up
by Ted's surgery,
and then when he got back
you'd make it official
Look, I never said you didn't do
great work You do terrific work
Every firm does good work
Look, I know you're
a lot smarter than Phil,
but the guy works
like a Trojan
He schmoozes clients
He brings in business
He's here nights,
weekends I own the guy
And that's what puts your name
on the door
This is really
coming out of left field
I've been here eight years
I'm the backbone of the
operation I know that
If I don't
get this partnership,
I got to think about
going somewhere else
I got to tell you, Gil I don't
consider that a realistic idea
Why?
You go somewhere else,
you're gonna have to get in line
behind guys who are younger than you,
who have been there longer,
who are more committed
and who are willing
to work for less money
Look, this thing with Phil
is not etched in stone
I can jerk him along
for the next month
Why don't you use that time
to give us your best shot?
Put in the hours,
dazzle me
Dazzle you?
Listen, Dave, I'm
having a problem at home
I really need to spend a lot of
extra time with my son right now
Then I don't know
what we can do
Get this guy! Get this guy!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Oh!
Well, they're bad dudes That's
why they call the game Bad Dudes
Okay, I should go stay with the
girls You got enough quarters?
Yeah
Okay
Dad?
Yeah?
How come I'm seeing
a psychiatrist?
Yeah, we were gonna have
a big talk about that
What's wrong with me?
Nothing Nothing
You're great
Then how come
Look
Look
You're a kid like I was You
have a lot of worries, that's all
And these doctors, they're experts
at helping people with their worries
It's nothing
to feel bad about
Look, you're a great kid, and
I love you very much, okay?
Okay
Okay
You know what I think?
I think this is gonna be
a great summer for you
And don't forget you
got a birthday coming up
Let's have a great party
That'll be fun, huh?
Can we have Cowboy Dan?
Who?
Cowboy Dan
The gun-fighting balloon man
He was at Billy's party
He's cool
Absolutely It's a done deal
This is your dad talking now
Now, you've got me excited
Okay, now, what do we say when we see
a cute eight-year-old girl walk by?
Hubba-hubba
Hubba-hubba Okay
Oh, don't tell your mom I taught
you that It could be bad Let's go
Wow!
You like it?
Yeah, it's good It's shiny
Yeah! You know, it was
junk when I found it
The first time
I got laid was in
That's a story
for another time
Hi, Dad Dinner ready?
What was that?
Huh?
Oh, some friends
were just dropping me off
Friends? Friends slow down
They even stop
Dad
Oh, Mommy
Sweetie,
you're gonna be okay
Honey, why would you
be panhandling?
I needed money
for a place to stay
Julie, you have
a place to stay
I'd have to tell you
what happened
What did happen? I just said
I didn't want to tell you
Did you leave that Tod?
Yes
He promised me he was gonna
start a house-painting business,
then he said
he'd changed his mind
He's gonna race dragsters
with his brothers
He can't even drive
a regular car
So his brothers came over
and we got in a fight
He said, "No bitch is gonna
tell me what to do for a living"
He told me he loved me
Sweetie
They say that,
and then they come
Honey, what can you expect
from a kid like that?
Mom, back off The last guy
you dated stole our furniture
Men are scum
I know
I know, sweetie
Men are scum
Hi, Garry
Honey, Julie's home
Great
Come on, let's go
eat lots of ice cream
Do you want an ice-cream soda? No
How about Do you want,
like, a hot-fudge sundae?
Do you want
a banana split?
Mmm-mmm
Do you want something
like French fries? Yeah
You do?
Julie!
Tod!
I thought I'd
find you here
What does that make you,
Sherlock Holmes? I live here
You live with me
I wouldn't live with you
if the world were flooded with
piss and you lived in a tree
Excuse me, I'm going to the movies
You're not leaving here until
you hear what I have to say
I'm not
Julie!
Let go of me!
Let her go!
Julie, just listen to me!
Julie, please!
Let her go!
God damn it! Let her go!
Julie Please!
Please, Miss Buckman, I love
her Let her go! God damn it!
Julie, you can't run
out on me You're my wife
If you don't let her go, I'm
gonna call the You're his what?
His wife We got married
a couple of days ago
Are you out of your mind?
Mom!
No, please, Miss Buckman!
Are you out of your mind?
Julie, I didn't mean it
What?
I'm sorry
My brothers were ragging on me
and I couldn't back down,
but last night, I told them
They mean nothing
You mean everything
Oh, Tod
Christ
Okay, look lively, look
lively You're doing great
Shortstop, here it goes
All right, pick it up!
Easy, now over to first That's right
That's the way to play That's good
All right, you're beautiful You're
a bunch of wild, young bohemians Okay
Let's go again Okay,
second base Here we go
Now get down on it Don't be
afraid It can't hurt you, Ben
Here we go Get down on that
Get down on it, get down!
Wayne, get Ben some ice
All right, we're gonna
need a new second baseman
Now, which one of you outfielders
wants to try second base, huh?
Huh?
How about you, Kevin?
You wanna try second base?
Okay
All right
Oh, Matt, come on None of that
We're a team Let's be a team
Now, come on Get out
there and hustle Let's go
Hey, Kevin, remember,
the word is "fun"
So just go on
out there
and what you catch,
you catch,
and what you miss,
you miss
Okay?
Okay, Dad
Okay Come on
Way to go, Kevin
And now it is my great pleasure
to introduce our valedictorian,
Kevin Buckman
Thank you
You know, when I was nine years
old, I had kind of a rough time
A lot of people thought
I was pretty mixed up
But there was one person
who got me through it
He did everything right
And thanks to him, today,
well, I'm the happiest,
most confident,
and most well-adjusted person
in this world
Dad, I love you
You're the greatest
All right!
All right!
Okay!
One more out, guys!
Let's go! Let's go!
How's your arm, son?
Not too tired?
Hey, Gil, our boys
finally gonna win one game?
Way to be supportive, Lou
That's right
That's right, Kevin!
Way to go Way to go, Tommy!
All right! All right!
All right, Adam
We got bases loaded
We're only one run down
Now, you can do it Get
up there Come on, now
Please, God,
let them win one game
Got it!
No!
You stink, Buckman!
He had no business
being out there!
What's the matter with you?
No business!
No!
He had no business
being out there! Terrible!
Why'd you make me
play second base?
Someone's climbed to the roof
of the bell tower with a rifle!
It's Kevin Buckman His
father totally screwed him up
What's he yelling?
You made me play
second base!
Kevin, I'm sorry
I did the best I could
Nice shot, son It's
important to be supportive
Come on, let's sing
one of the old tunes
When you're sliding
into home
And your pants
are full of foam
Diarrhea
Well?
Why are you pouring water
through my diaphragm?
To check
To see if it's okay
You didn't know I did that, did you? No
Obviously not, or you
wouldn't have tried this
Are you accusing me
of making that hole?
No, a woodpecker came in here,
went into the bathroom,
opened the drawer
with his little wing,
and pecked a couple of holes
in your diaphragm
I can't believe you would jeopardize
our plans, Susan Remember what we read?
"A vast majority
of truly exceptional people
"are either only children
or first-born
"with at least a five-year
separation between sibs"
We agreed to
No, you agreed
And they're not sibs They're
babies And I wanna have another one
So, this is how you go about it, by
vandalizing a contraceptive device?
Because you won't
discuss it with me!
I did discuss it with you,
years ago!
Well, I think we were wrong
Well, I think we were right
And I'm not
discussing it again
Tod!
Yeah
Do you want me
to cook you breakfast?
No, thanks, Helen
Julie's gonna do it
Great I'll get
the fire extinguisher
All right
I'll see you guys at dinner
Sweet Jesus!
What are you doing?
Are you joining the Marines?
I knew you'd make
a thing out of this, Mom
Just clean up the hair
Wait
Do it like that
Cool! No, I love it
Thanks so much
You ready, Garry?
You want anything to eat?
How long are they
gonna be living here?
Not much longer, I think
Well, I was
just thinking
It's getting
pretty crowded here
Oh, it's not so crowded
There's a lot more room
since they shaved their heads
Well, I was just thinking
maybe I could stay
with Dad for a while
What?
Well, I've been here a long time Maybe
I should live with him for a while
You wanna live
with your father?
Kind of
Have you talked
to your father about that?
No, not yet
I thought I'd call him
Honey,
you know, you don't know
your father like I do
I don't know him at all
What's his number?
Well,
he'd be at work now
So that's
206-5790
Yeah, yeah
Is Dr Lampkin there?
His son
No, Dad, it's not Joey
It's Garry, your other son
Well, I need
to ask you something
It'll just take a second
Well, would it be okay if
I stay with you for a while?
A few months
Okay
Oh, Ed You shit
He, um
He didn't think it was
such a good idea
Oh, sweetie
I gotta go
Oh, honey
Gil? Hey, Gil?
Yes, Miles?
When's Cowboy Dan the gun-fighting
balloon man gonna be here?
Isn't that him?
No, that's the schmuck
who brought the horse
I don't think
he's coming
Yes, of course he is
The man's a professional
Do you think he wants to put a blot on
the entire balloon-bending profession?
Go on and have fun And we'll have
some burgers and dogs in a second
Let's go watch the horse shit! Yeah!
Patty, why don't you
play with Justin?
I don't understand
what he's doing
Well, he's spinning
What for?
No reason
Just for fun
It doesn't look
like fun
It isn't
You tried it?
So does Julie
have a nice place?
Oh, yeah, yeah, she has a lovely
place Yeah, she has my place
She and that Tod
are both living in my house
Really?
Well, actually
it was my idea
You know, otherwise, she was
gonna quit school and get a job and
I don't know Maybe this way,
she'll still go to college
All right All right
All right All right
Here we go
The thumb trick Ready?
Thumb trick
Do the thumb trick
Look at my thumb Ready?
Here we go Watch it Watch it
What are you doing?
Thumb trick
Show her, Dad
Okay, but this is the
last time Here we go Ready?
I mean, Justin's gonna
go full-time next year,
so everybody's asking when
I'm gonna go back to work,
like I'm supposed to
And I'm thinking about it I mean,
I used to work It was okay, but
You know, I think
I'm better at this
I mean, I think I'm
sort of good at it, so
But then, people make me
feel embarrassed,
like I don't have
goals or something
Like I sit around here
eating bonbons all day, right?
Oh, I don't know
Well, what does Gil say?
He says I should do
whatever I want
I could've
killed him for that
What are you
so upset about?
Nathan, she's weird
She's a weird child
I think a few days a week of
preschool could be very helpful
This is not the right age for
Patty to be socially activated
We went through it
She's not a bomb
She's a little kid
who has no ability to relate
to other little kids
Do you want her
to relate to him?
Help! Help! Help!
See, when I met him,
I was a little wild
I was a little
out of control
and he kind of
took me in hand
I liked that
He's very commanding
He got me into teaching
He got my shit together
Boy, he really
turned me on
Really? I mean,
of course, really
Oh, Nathan and I
used to be hot
I know he doesn't
look it, but
I mean,
we were like rabbits
I used to give him,
you know,
oral,
you know,
on the highway
What?
You know, he was always
trying to get a research grant
And you thought
that would help?
No, but I mean,
he kept getting turned down
and he'd get real,
real tense
So if I saw him getting,
you know, really tense,
I'd just lean over while
he was driving and I'd
Susan
What?
I just spoke
to your mother
Grandma wants to stay over
at Helen's for a while
Can you drive her there
tomorrow?
Sure
Great
He likes to butt things
with his head
How proud you must be
Here it is Now it's right
there in front of you
Okay Careful now
Careful
Yeah!
Here,
take this off
Now really try
and hit it
Yeah Really give it
a good shot
Yeah Give it
a good whack!
Whack!
Put your shoulder into it
and whack it
Now just kill it!
Kill it!
When I was born,
Grover Cleveland
was president
I'm sorry I'm late
Where should I do it?
Who are you and
what are you going to do?
I'm from Party Time
Entertainment
I'm your stripper
What's the birthday boy's name?
Because I paint it across my breasts
Okay, it was a mix-up I got
Cowboy Dan's card and he got mine
I'm sorry Goodbye,
Wait a minute What about
Cowboy Dan? He is coming
He showed up at the Lodge
Hall, and they were expecting me
They beat him severely,
so Cowboy Dan
ain't comingo
Cowboy Dan's
not coming?
Come on, Kevin,
hold it together
I knew it
I told you
All the kids are gonna hate me It's
gonna be just like Little League
Cowboy Dan is coming
Gil! He's coming Cowboy Dan is coming!
Howdy, partner
You're Kevin's father!
You're not Cowboy Dan
Yeah!
That's right
They call me Cowboy Gil,
as in guilty
I saw Cowboy Dan I didn't
like the look on his face
It was like this,
so I killed him
I blew a hole in him
this big,
That's too small
Actually,
it was about this big
You know, when I think about
it, that hole was about this big
Yeah, and his guts were
spilled out all over the floor
As I was walking away,
I slipped around on his guts
And a couple of other people came by and
they started slipping on his guts, too
After I blow a hole in somebody
and slip around on their guts,
afterwards,
I always like to
make balloon animals
That's mighty
courteous of you
Here we god
What's he doing?
I don't know
Your lower intestines
Watch out, you little varmints!
Why, you! You darned kids!
Why, you little lily-livered
lumps of cat meat!
Where's Cowboy Gil?
Where'd he go?
Ambush, you little
four-footers
And here it is It's made
with a quart of milk,
two cups of sugar
and three cow pies
Come on and get it
Will you get down off the
horse before you hurt yourself?
Honey, I got to make
a big exit
That's Cowboy Gil's woman
Take a bow, little lady
Hi Hi
I sure hope that when I
mosey back this way one day,
you don't mind
if I stop in and say hello
Well, I got to be moseying
on back to Abilene
Keep your powder
and your pants dry
Kevin, I hope this is the best
danged birthday you ever had
Adis, buckaroos
Giddy-up, Thunder Thighs!
Adis, buckaroos Don't try
and follow me to Abilene
Good night, sweetheart
Good night, Mom
Did you have
a nice birthday?
Dad was funny
He sure was
Well, good night,
nine-year-old boy
Happy birthday, kiddo
Dad?
Yeah?
When I grow up,
can I work where you work?
Why?r
That way we can still
see each other every day
Good night
I love you
I love you, too
Mom?n
Hubba-hubba
Garry?n
Garry?r
Let me out of here,
mango face!
Hello, Helen?h
Oh, the door was unlocked
Oh, my God!'
What channel is this?
No, Gran, this is a tape
She needs a mana
Nowi
Gran, this isn't mine
I don't watch this
What's everybody
doing in here?
Did you break
my lock?
Susie, Gran, would you
please go to my room?
Sure
One of those men reminded me
of your grandpa God bless him
Garry, listen to me
How could you break my lock?
I came in here because I
was afraid you were on drugs
Why would you think that?
Because of what you did
to your father's offices
What do you mean?
He found your hammer
You know, those were your
initials burned into the handle
Someone must have taken it
Oh, Garry, just
Honey, you know,
all these feelingsa
You're right to have
all these feelings
You're a great kid
You're a great kid, honey
You just got a lousy dadt
And you've just got to learn
to say, "The hell with him!"
Actually, that's good
advice for both of us
The hell with him!
I don't know what to say
about the tapes
You know, I assume that, you know,
you're watching these because
you're curious about sex,
you know,
or filmmaking,
Is there anything
you'd like to ask?
Who?
Me
No, I don't blame you
What about Uncle Gil?
He's busy
with his own kids
Hi
Hic
Where's my wife?
She's still at school
She's got cheerleading practice Bitchin'
So what's up?
Would you like
to speak to Tod?
Can I speak frankly,
no holds barred?
Pleased
That is one messed-up
little dude
You sure
we can talk straight?
All rightu
A few months ago,
Garry got his first boner
You know what that is?h
If memory servest
Great! Anyway,
since then he's beenn
uh,,
slapping the salami
No offense
Noe
Apparently, he's going
for a world record
Chicken's burning
Oh!-
Ohu
Damn! That looked
good, tool
Anyway,'
he was afraid there was something
wrong with him, you know?
Like he was a pervert
or somethingg
I told him that's what little
dudes do We've all done it
That made him happyo
Garry was happy?
Yeah,
he even smiled
I never even knew
he had teethm
I guess a boy Garry's age
really needs a man around
Yeah, well,
it depends on the man
I had a man around
He used to wake me up in the morning
by flicking lit cigarettes at my head
"Hey, asshole, get up
and make me breakfast"
You know, Miss Buckman, you need a
license to buy a dog or drive a car
Hell, you need a license
to catch a fish,g
but they'll let any
butt-reaming asshole be a father
Well, I'm gonna
pick up Julie They're hassling her
about her hairl
She does look
kind of stupida
I don't know what
we were thinking about
Tod?
Thanks
Kevin wants to goe
How did you go through
those quarters so fast?
Another kid took Kevin's money Shut up!
What kid? Never mind
Never mind Can we just go?
It was that kid
Never mind!
That kid? That kid's not bigger
than you Go back and get your money!
Dad, let me
handle it, okay?
Kevin, do you want me to
help you get your money back?
No, can we just go?
I wanna go!o
Okay
"Okay"?r
Now, that's a little kid
Justin can beat up that kid!k
Shut up, Dad
Will you just shut up?t
Oh, no!g
What's the matter?
I lost my retainer!u
Where?
Shh Honey
It's okays
I put my retainer
on the tablem
Just relax Kevin, it's okay, honey
It's his retainer
He lost his retainer
It's all right, sweetheart
Come on, sweetie We'll find it
Oh, God!
Here, let me
Where are the kids?g
Your folks are
driving them home
They'll wait with them
at our houset
Oh, that's just what Kevin
needs, time alone with my dad
Yuck! Let's just goe
Gil, they're $200
If you dropped $200 in here,
you'd look, right?
Yeah,
Let's face it
He's getting worsen
He has his good days,
and he has his bad days
Why is he so high-strung?
He's like a poodle
Everything's blown
out of proportion
Where does he get
this obsessive behavior?
I wish I knewe
They're gonna put him
in special edr
Gil, what did you think?g
That you'd dress up like a
cowboy and coach Little League,t
and Kevin would be fine?y
No
I mean, no, I didn'tr
Yeah Yeah, okay, I didt
Well, honey, you were
really kidding yourself
You know, when your kid is
born, it can still be perfectt
You haven't made
any mistakes yet
And then they grow up
to be likeh
Like mea
Oh, I'm gonna be home
late tomorrow How come?
I'm attempting
to dazzle Dave
I'm trying to put together
a major income-property thing
for one of our
bigger clients
Has Dave said anything?h
Thursday when I left for
Little League, he said,
"Let's all thank Gil
for stopping by"
I didn't take it
as a good sign,
Well, let's just wait and see You
know, worrying isn't gonna help
God, I'm so tense
You're tense
right now, honey?e
My back is tense
My neck is tense
My ears are tense It's like
they're hot or something
Maybe I can do something
to help you relaxi
I doubt it, honeym
I'd like to tryh
I am so sorrye
It's all right, honey It was my fault
You just kind of took me by surprise
So how did this happen?
Show him, honeya
It's awfully late, Frank We
need to get Cool right to bed
He'll be all rightt
Hi, Dad
Take the boy inside
I couldn't resist I had to take it
out for a spin It purrs like a kitten
You're probably wondering why I
took it out without telling you
I wanted to have it appraised so
that you'd know how much it was worth
Only they can't appraise it
unless they have all the paperwork,
the registration, the proof of
purchase You've got those things around?
I'm not a schmuck!d
You were going to
sell my car
Sell Dadr
Look, don't bullshit me
anymore! It belittles us both!
I want you
out of the house
Dad, they're gonna
kill mea
Bookies?h
Frigging basketball!
I had a lock
This miserable son-of-a-bitch
rookie throws in a goddamn 50-footer
at the buzzer
It was a nightmarer
It was like he reached
into my chest and ripped outt
Oh, shut up!
How much do you owe?t
The truth now!
$26,000
Jesus!
Dad, I'm never gambling
again, I swear to God,
but these guys
mean businesse
What about that 3,000
I gave you?n
I took it to the trackl
I wanted to run it up
so that I wouldn't have to
hit you for the whole amount
What the hell
is the matter with you?
You're not a kid anymore!
You're not stupid!
Dad, I can't get a break
I have been so close so
many times, I could touch it
Did you ever think
about getting a job?
Oh Greata
Oh That is just great Now, what
did you always tell me, huh?
"Make your mark!
Make your mark!r
"Don't be one of the
numbers Make your mark!"
You misunderstood me!
You weren't listening!
Oh, come on, if I called
you up to tell you,
"Hey Dad, I'm the new assistant
sub-vice president of pencil sharpening
"at some crappy
little company,"
you're telling me
you'd think that was great?
I am better than that!
I am not Gil!
Look, I've made some mistakes
I have to learn from them,
They're going to
kill me, Dad,u
with paine
I'm your son
Hydrogeni
Heliumd
Carbonc
Excuse me, honeyt
I don't mean to interrupt,
but I've made up some new cards
Really?
That's great, Mommy
I'm so glad you're back with
the program Let's do your cards
Why don't I show them to you first
and make sure they're appropriate?
Okays
Sweetheart, Mommy and Daddy will be back
in two minutes How many seconds is that?
One-twenty
Excelente
"This is
"the only wayw
"I can get
"your attention"o
Honey, this is really basic
stuff She's way beyond this
"I'm leaving you"
You're leaving me?t
"Yes"
Well, thank you
I really had
a great time
It's been years since
anybody's taken me to a carnival
You thought that was a carnival?
That was my parents' house
You know, you're pretty
funny for a biology teacher
Thank youy
Would you like
to come in?
Sure
Okayo
Hi, guys
Hey, Miss B!u
Hi, Mom
Hi, Mr Bowmang
Knee drop!l
It's a nice
knee drop, honeye
Would you like
some coffee? I'd love someu
The kitchen's
right through here
Can I ask you something? Sure
How come you finally
decided to go out with me?e
Well, my grandmother
told me to
No, really She's been staying with
us Only, it's a little crowded,
so tomorrow I'm taking her
over to my brother Gil'sr
Hi, Julie Julie, I would like
to introduce you to Mr Bowman!
Tod?
Julie?
What's up?
Did you get the Twinkies?
I foundn
this'
in the trunk of your carr
You're racing again,
aren't you?
Yeah, so what?
So you promised
That's what!a
I changed my mind
You changed your mind?
Yeah, I changed my mind!e
What about
house painting?
I gave it up You gave it
up? That was your future!n
Well,i
Dave and Rod kind of took
all the equipment and split,
and I don't know
where they are
I told you not to trust
those guys Didn't I tell you?o
I'm not as smart
as you are, okay?
I didn't get 13,000
on my SATs, okay?n
I'm stupid, okay?
Okay! Julie
Butt out!v
Maybe I should leave No,
maybe I should leavei
What do you mean
"maybe"?p
Tod?e
What is it with the
women in this family?
They make all the men
in this family want to leave
Well, if he thinks I'm having
his baby now, he's crazy!
Baby? Your daughter's having a baby?S
A baby?d
You're gonna be
a grandma??
No, no, no, no, no, nod
I'm too young You know,
grandmothers are old
They bake, and they sew,u
and they tell you stories
about the Depressionl
I was at Woodstock, for
Christ's sake! I peed in a field!
I've hung onto the Who's
helicopter as it flew away!
I was at Woodstock
Oh, yeah? I thought
you looked familiar!
Gil, I've spoken
with Ted and Dan,
and we have decided to
make Phil Richards a partner
Holy shit!d
Now, I know you're upset
Upset?y
Haven't you seen the deals
I've been putting together?z
I have been killing myself
I mean, aren't you dazzled?
You still don't
get it, do you?
Phil has just brought in three
brand-new multimillion-dollar clients
He has spent the last month wining and
dining these guys, getting them laid
He doesn't tell me
about problems with his kids
I'm not even sure
if he has kids
If this man's dick fell off,
he would still show up to work
He is an animal That's
what dazzles, not the workl
You can't do what he does
You hate that shitd
Now, Phil Richards
I quit!i
Oh, Gil
Forget ith
Phil brought you some
big clients You're happyt
Oh, Gils
I'm just going to call my clients,
give them the news, and I'm out of here
Friday's my last day
Don't make me a party
Gil!
Dave!
Hey, this is not
a playground, okay?
Dad!t
Daddy
Not now!t
Okay
Not now!e
Knock it off!
God, I can't believe
they did thisi
All right, the other kids got
picked up, ours are watching a tape,
and Helen just dropped
your Grandma off Let's talk
I quit my job Why?a
They gave the partnership
to Phil Richards
Phil Richards, this is a guy
who leaves his wife and kids
and then puts all his money
in his girlfriend's namet
so they can't touch him for
child support I mean, the guy is
Anyway, I couldn't
stand it I snapped
Can you still
change your mind?p
What do you mean,
change my mind? I quiti
I know,
but did you say anythingr
that would make it difficult
for them to take you back?
Jesus, honey, I was hoping you'd be a
little more supportive It's not like I
I'm pregnantt
Since when?r
Since I am
I'm due in Februaryo
I didn't want to say
anything till I was sure
How did this happen?h
It was an accident
Anyhow, this is why
I'm sayingc
maybe now this isn't
the best timet
for you to be out of work
or starting a new job
You know, if you'd told me there
was a chance of this happening,
I might not have quit
in the first placeo
Well, you never told me there
was a chance you might quit
It was a spur-of-the-moment
decision Pretty big one
So what are you saying
I should do?i
Crawl back to work and kiss Dave's
feet and get my crappy job back?
I quit! If I go back now,
they got me I'm a eunuch!
You know, this puts a
minor crimp in my life, tooj
I was thinking about starting back
to work in the fall Now I can't
Well, that's the difference
between men and womeni
Women have choices
Men have responsibilities
Oh, really?
Oh, okay, well,
then I choose for you to have
the baby, okay? That's my choice
You have the baby
You get fat
You breastfeed
till your nipples are soree
I'll go back to work!
All right, let's return from la-la
land because that ain't gonna happen
And whether I crawl back to
Dave or I get another job,
it's obvious now I'm going to
have to spend less time at home
I'm gonna have to have
business dinners,k
and I'm gonna have to
play racquetball,
and I'm gonna have to
get guys laid,
so I hope you don't mind if I
bring a few prostitutes home, honey,
because that's what it
takes to get anywhere,
and I'm not
getting anywhere,
so whatever happens, you have
to count on less help from me
Why don't you just say
what you're really thinking?s
What am I thinking?n
That I should have
an abortion?
I didn't say thatt
That's a decision every
woman has to make on her ownm
What, are you running
for Congress?
Don't give me that I want your
opinion about what we should do
Let's pretend
it's your decision, okay?
Pretend you're a caveman or your
father What do you want me to do?
I want I want
whatever you wanth
Well, I wanna have the babyt
Well, great! Let's have it, then Let's
see how I can screw the fourth one up
Hey, let's have five
Let's have six!
Let's have a dozen
and pretend they're donuts!
I'm really happy about the way
things are turning out, aren't you?
You know, with the
frame of mind you're in,r
not only am I not sure
we should have another baby,y
I'm not sure we should
keep the three we've got
Well, I'm ready
to discuss it
However, I can't right now
because I gotta go
to the goddamn Little Leaguer
Ten little boys
are waiting for me
to guide them
into last place
You really have to go?f
My whole life is "have to"r
Come on, Kevin,
get your glovem
You said I didn't
have to play anymore
I know what I said, but
now I'm changing my minde
If I have to go, you have to go Move it!
Kevin,
this one's for you
Get behind the ball
It's easier to come in
Hi, Dad What are you
doing here?
Karen said
you were hereo
Can I speak to you
a second?g
Yeah
Hey, Wayne, can you take over a second?
What's up?
I need your advice
Wait a second My head
is spinning Come on
Look,,
Larry needs $26,000 or
gamblers are gonna kill him
Jesus!
I'm supposed to decide
whether to give it to him
And you want my advice?
Why me? Why now?
Because I know you think
I was a shitty father
Thank you
for not arguingh
And I know you're a
good father, so, tell me,
what would you do?
You got
that kind of money?n
I got it,h
but it's gonna hurtl
I wanted to retire next year
This'll put that off for a while,
a long whileu
I never
should've had four
You know, when you were
two years old,
we thought
you had polioe
You know about that?w
Yeah, Mom once said
something Yeah, well,
for a week,
we didn't knowl
I hated you for thatn
What?
I didt
I did I hated
having to go through that
The caring, the worrying,
the pain,y
that's not for mep
You know, it's not
like that all ends
when you're 18
or 21 or 41 or 61t
It never, never ends
It's like
your Aunt Edna's asst
It goes on forever,
and it's just as frightening
It's true
There is no
end zoneh
You never cross the goal line, spike
the ball and do your touchdown dance
Never
I'm 64,
Larry, 27,r
and he's still my son,
like Kevin is your sonr
Do you think
I want him to get hurt?e
He's my sone
Come onu
Oh, I'm all right
I'll figure it outs
Heyt
Who's to say
who's a shitty father?
Kevin's in therapy
We got called to school last year
because Taylor was kissing all the boys
Justin keeps ramming things
with his head
My career is
in the shithouse
You worry too muchr
You always dido
Okay, let's go
Let's get themn
Let's get this one
Come on, you can do it!
We only need one more out! Can't
you even field a ground ball?
Matt, I'm not gonna warn you again One
more comment, and you're out of there
I don't care what happens What
are you yelling at him for?
He's the only player
you've gott
Hey, Matt, we need
one more out, son
Wherever it's hit,
you go for it!
It's the only chance
you have to win!
All right, come on, now,
don't blow it!
All right, no big deal
No big deal
One more out Come on,
just relax Play ball!
Relax and concentrate
Let's go!s
One more Let's gos
Oh, shit!u
Get it, Matt! He's out of there!g
I'm gonna
help youH
Oh, Dadr
Now, we see
these gangsters
We agree to pay them
$1,000 a monthi
They're businessmen They'll see
that something is better than nothings
Then, Monday morning,
8:00 am,u
you come to work with me
at my placeo
I'm going to teach you
the business
Plumbing suppliesu
And in a few years, I'll
retire, and you'll take over
Meanwhile, as long
as you're working,t
and if you agree to go
to Gamblers Anonymous,
I'll keep paying
your debts
That's itu
Okayc
Okay
Let me just add a wrinkle
About an hour ago, I got a phone
call from an associate in Chile
Big opportunity
Platinums
Now, why don't I just
toddle off down therea
for a couple of months,
see if it pans out?
If it does, great
If not,g
we put the Frank-Buckman
plan into effecth
Sound good?
Sureg
Greate
Oh, I could use
a littler
2,000 enough?i
Ample Amplet
Well, better packo
What about Cool?
Huh?
Oh, Jesus,
that's a tough one
This is not really
the kind of trip that
Listen,
how about ifv
Don't worry about itn
My dad's going away?h
Yes
He's leaving right away?
YesW
Is he ever coming back?w
Noa
Would you like
to stay here with us?
Yeah?
Goodc
Good morning, Mrs Huffner Hi, Michelleb
Susan, I need
to talk to youg
Not now, Nathan,
I have a class
I want you to come home
This is very bad for Patty
She can't
concentrate
I gotta goi
No, wait
No, let me go'
Listen to me
It's bad for me, too
I love you, Susane
Those are words
They don't solve anything
I can compromise
I can change
Nathan, I don't think
you're capable of changeu
Okay, come on, we're way behind
because of yesterday's bomb threat,
so let's get going
Why do birds suddenly appear
Every time you are near?l
Just like me
They long to be
Close to youo
Nathan, please,
I'll lose my job
Why do stars
twinkle in the skya
Every time you walk by?
Just like me
They long to beu
Close to you
Nathan, we're trying so hard
to keep these kids off drugs
On the day that you were born
The angels got together
And decided to create
a dream come true
This was the song
from our wedding
So they sprinkled
moon dust in your hair
And golden sunlight
in your eyes so blue
It's a wedding kind of a song
That is why all the
guys in town Guys in town
Follow you
Follow youh
All around
All around
Just like me
They long to be
Close to youn
Close to youu
Nathan, you're crazya
Close to youp
Susan, I love you
Please come home
We have
a great start The Plymouth missile, Rick
Carsmith, right in the far lane
Five-fourteen, left cart
How's it look? Let's
hear it for Popper Jay
Looking hotr
Looking damn hot!v
Mom? Mom, hurry! He's over
there He's gonna kill himself
Julie, I'm not
his mothera
Please, Mommy
Please, I'm so scared
Now, I'm "Mommy"
He's trying to prove
something I don't know
Competing in the first round of
the competition, the Eliminator,
and on the grandstand lane,
we have Theresa Vega
The last few feet of the course
is going to be very crowded
Oh, God,
he's already going
In eight seconds, he's
going to be a legend
And challenging her on the
power lane, newcomer Tod Higgins
Great start!
Vega with the home shot
Higgins pulls ahead!
He hit the guardrail!
He's out of control!
Oh, my God!
Come on!,
Tod? Tod?n
Tod?m
Bring it around to the
back of the track! Come on
One, two, three!
Let's get him out of here!
Back up Back up Give him some
room Give him some room Back up
Easy Easy Easy Did I win?t
Oh, my Godi
You okay?
I'm all right
Well, we'll get you to first
aid to make sure, all right?e
My brother's car
I killed the car
We'll take care of it
Julie, come on, let's goh
Just get in
I can't
What? I can't This
is too intense This is
This is marriage!e
Now, let's get
in the truck!
Come on,
let's goe
Can you do that again next
week? The crowd loved itm
Yeah, sure,c
that's a good job for me,
crash dummyl
Stop that! You're very
important Yeah, why?o
Why? Because you're gonna be the
father of my grandchild That's why
I love you,
I love you, too
I was so scaredy
You, like,
saved their marriagea
That was really cooll
Yeah, well,
I give them six months,
four if she cooksn
You don't think
they're gonna make it?
Well, you know, honey,
the odds aren't good
Then why did you
say all that?
Why did you try
to keep them together?k
Well, because
Julie wants Tod
Whatever you guys want,
I want to get for you
That's the best
I can doo
I'm glad you're going out with Mr Bowmana
Yeah, why?
Well, he's funny,m
and he's the kind of guy
that'd be nice to youa
Somebody should be
nice to your
I tell you, kid, I could stand that Yeah
Can we tape
over Susan's wedding?r
No What are we supposed to tape over?
Mom, my ears are loose
Oh, give me I'll fix them Oh,
your pants are on backwards
Go upstairs and turn them around,
and tell Grandma we're leaving
She's still playing
Nintendo
Do you know your lines? Daddy,
I don't have any lines I'm Dopey
I'll say Hey!m
Kevin? Kevin, take Justin outside,
and put him in his car seat
I have to do everything
Come on, shrimp
Heyy
And I'm the one
in therapy
I'm not a shrimp
I love youu
I love you, too
No, I mean
I really love youy
I love you, toop
Dave called He was crying
He actually criedu
He said if I'd come back,
they'd give me a corner office
with new furniture
and a raise,
like that's supposed
to make up for everything
Anyway, I took the job
I couldn't thinks
I was still high
from the Little League game
Isn't that demented,s
that a grown man's
happiness depends
on whether a nine-year-old
catches a pop-up?
I mean, what if he missed? But he didn't
But he could have
But he didn'tr
But he could have
But he didn't, Gil!o
You threw him 12 million
pop-ups in the backyard
You cut the odds
considerablyv
If he hadn'ty
But there's three of them,
and you wanna have four,
and the fourth one
could be Larry,
and they're gonna do
a lot of things
I mean, baseball's
the least of it
And in all those things,
sometimes they're going to miss
Sometimes they won't
Sometimes they will
Sometimes they won't
Sometimes they will
What do you want me
to give you, guarantees?
These are kids, not
appliances Life is messy
I hate messy
It's so messyi
You know, when I was 19, Grandpa
took me on a roller coaster
Oh?e
Up, down, up, down
Oh, what a ridel
What a great story
I always wanted
to go againe
You know, it was just interesting to me
that a ride could make me so frightened,
so scared, so sick,
so excitede
and so thrilled,
all togethero
Some didn't like ita
They went
on the merry-go-round
That just goes
around Nothing
I like the roller coaster
You get more out of it
Well, I'll be seeing you
in the car
She's a very smart lady
Come on, Taylor,
your ears are readyN
Yeah, a minute ago, I was
really confused about life,
and then Grandma came inm
with her wonderful and
affecting roller-coaster story,
and now everything's
great againe
I happen to like
the roller coaster, okay?r
As far as I'm concerned,
your grandmother's brilliant
Come on, Taylor
Come on, hurry upo
Yeah, if she's so brilliant, how come
she's sitting in our neighbor's car?
It's good to be home
It sure isr
Somebody stole our dishese
"They're not stolen
They're put away"n
They're not stolenu
"They're not stolen
They're put away"
They're not stolen
They're put awayo
What was that?
It came from the bedroomn
It sounds like a monster
Someone should see what it is
Not me!
Not me!
Let Dopey do it
Let Dopey do itk
Yeah!
No!,
Come on, Dopey!
Yeah!r
Come on, Dopey!
Come on, Dopey!d
They're hurting my sister!
Hey, look, he's going
Get him! Get him!
Get him!
Hang on, Taylorg
Justin! Justin!
Taylor, I'm gonna save you!
Get away from my sister!
Hey, stop!
Justin!o
No
No, Justin
Justin, no! Justin!
Oh, Justino
Come back here
Come back here
Please come back here,
little one
He's ruining the play!
He's ruining the whole play!
I think that's
the Buckmans' kid
That's great!
You're doing greatD
One more push, and the baby
will be here Bear down
Bear down
Push
We're almost there,
Mom Come on, push Push
That's it Great
You're doing great
Push Push Come on,
you're doing fine
Push! Push!
Good
Okay, here we go now
Push I can see the head
Here comes the baby Good
Here you go
Here it is It's a girl!
Good Congratulations, Mom
She's beautiful
You better get out
in the lobby, Dad
I think you've got about
100 relatives out there
Dr Ciccolini, Dr Anthony
Ciccolini, please call three-six
Well?
It's a girl
Helen's fine
Yay, Mom!
Thank goodness!
That's great!
Congratulations!
Freshly roasted!
Get your peanuts!
Roasted! Red hot!
Hot peanuts!
Red hots! How about
some red hot peanuts?
Peanuts!
Get your peanuts here!
Go, go, go, go!
Safe!
Now batting for the Cardinals,
number 14, Stanley Boyer
Come on!
We missed four innings
Well, like I said, I had
to stop and do some business
Here, sit down
Hey, you, usher, come here
Can I talk to you a second?
Yes, sir
Can you watch him?
Sure, no problem
I'll be back
Gil, this is Stan He's
gonna watch you for a while
I have some friends
I'm meeting
I'll meet you right here, huh?
For the ninth inning Have fun, kid
Programs here!
Get your programs! Programs!
Programs here!
Get your programs! Programs!
So, Gilly,
big baseball fan?
Kind of Yeah? Dad bring you here a lot?
Once a year on my birthday Then
he pays an usher to watch me
Oh, I see
Look, you have
to understand
My father,
in his own childhood,
was without
a positive male influence
Huh?
His own father kicked
him out when he was 15,
so my Dad was taught to see
child-raising as a job, a burden,
a prison,
rather than a playground
Do you understand
what I'm saying?
You don't talk like a kid
Yeah, well, I'm not really
a kid You're not a duck
This is a memory
of when I was a kid
I'm 35 now
I have kids of my own
You don't really
even exist
You're an amalgam
A what?
A combination of several ushers
my dad left me with over the years
I've combined them into one memory Why?
This was a great symbolic
moment of my life,
my father dumping me
with you
It's why I swore things would
be different with my kids
That's my dream
Strong, happy,
confident kids
That's great That's great You
know, you got a lovely family,
and I'm a goddamn amalgam
Gil?
Who's that?
That's my wife
Nice
Gil
Yeah?
The game's over, honey
The St Louis Cardinals wish to
thank you for attending today's game
Please drive home
safely and soberly
Let's go!
Come on, Justin
You want to walk?
Come on, Justin
Come on, let's walk
It's fun
Come on, let's walk
You sure you don't want
to walk? There we go
I'll get it I'll get it
There's your pennant
There you go
I got him
All right?
Yes
Come on, watch it,
watch it, watch it
There you go
Watch the car
Watch it
There's so many cars
Here you go
Here you go Down?
Where is that kid?
Where is she?
Daddy! Oh, there she is There she is
All right, come on, go
inside Grab a seat Buckle up
Honey Taylor!
You're a rat
You're a rat!
When you're sliding into first
And you're feeling
something burst
Diarrhea
Diarrhea
When you're sliding into third
And you lay a juicy turd
Diarrhea
Diarrhea
When you're sliding
into home
And your shorts
are full of foam
Diarrhea
Diarrhea
When you're sitting
in your Chevy
And your shorts
are feeling heavy
Diarrhea
Diarrhea
Kevin, honey,
where'd you learn that song?
Last summer
at camp, Mom
Ah! That was money
well spent
When you're sliding into first
And you're feeling
something burst
Diarrhea
Diarrhea
That's what you're gonna
sleep in? You'll get cold
Perfect
Gil, Taylor isn't
feeling well She wants you
It's those hot dogs I'll
deal with Kevin and Justin
Hey, what do you say later, when the
kids are asleep, I wear this outfit?
She's in our bed
Hi, Daddy
What's the matter, honey?
You don't feel so good?
Mmm-mmm
You feel like you wanna throw up? Okay
Gil
Oh, my God
Oh, Taylor, baby
Oh, sweetie
Gil, why are you
just standing there?
Oh, sweetie! I'm waiting
for her head to spin around
You'll be all right
You'll be okay
Oh, can you
come with me
to see Kevin's principal
on Monday morning?
Oh, boy I love it when you talk
to me about school and meetings
Now talk to me
about shopping
No, I know I know
Go on, go on
I'm sorry I just remembered now
I've been meaning to ask you, okay?
Fine I'll be there
Okay
What's the matter?
Nothing I was a little
tense before but now
No, no I mean with Kevin Why are
we going to see his principal?
Oh, because his teacher said
he's been making that face again
What? This?
Yes The tense face
He makes that same face
at Little League
You know what
his teacher asked me?
What?
If we'd ever taken him
for a psychiatric evaluation
What?
She was just asking
Why, because
he makes a face?
Has she ever
looked in the mirror?
You know, the face,
the crying, the nervousness
They mentioned
the crying?
Yeah You know, he doesn't
really finish his work
Hey, we'll talk to them on Monday
Don't worry, I'm sure it'll be fine
Come here
Where was I?
Here? Was I here?
Yeah, yeah
I was there already?
Mmm-hmm
You know,
that really pisses me off
Kid's a little different, a little
special, needs a little more attention,
teacher's gonna put a
label on him "Problem kid"
When we go see
Kevin's principal,
let's find out who his
teacher is gonna be next year
and make sure it's not
one of these hysterics!
You're right, Gil You know, Kevin's
great He can't be that much of a problem
Right Now, if it was
my sister's kid
Garry
Now, there's a kid
with problems
Hi, Garry!
You're up so early!
Yeah
Where are you going?
Out
What's in the bag?
Nothing
Garry, you know, the whole
family's coming over tonight
There's a big surprise Grandma
and Grandpa are gonna be here,
and Uncle Gil and Aunt Karen,
they're bringing their kids
Aunt Susie's gonna be here,
and Uncle Nathan,
their kids and It was
nice talking to you
Julie!
Hey, Julie!
Yeah?
Julie, can I come in for a minute? Yeah
Julie, I really need your help The
whole family's coming over tonight
I don't know why,
but the place is a mess
Could you just
give me a hand?
Yeah, okay,
in just a few minutes
Are you all right? I thought
I heard you moaning last night
Well, I kind of had a
little bit of a stomachache,
but it's fine now
It's gone
You hate me?
What?
You know, for making you study so
much and giving up all your dates
No, you were right
Honey, I'm telling you, those
SAT scores are your ticket
And, sweetie, you know,
once you get to school,
you're gonna meet a lot of guys that
you like just as well as that Tod
Why do you always say "that
Tod"? It just sounds so
You're right I'm sorry It's
been pleasant for a moment
Okay, I guess I'm just gonna give
everybody spaghetti and salad,
and I better cook a steak for
my dad See you later, honey
Are you okay?
Man, your mother can talk!
Gosh, she hates my ass
And it's such
a cute ass
Last night, she heard the
moaning She thought it was me
Yeah?
Mmm-hmm
So you're gonna have to try
and control yourself, Tod
With you? It's impossible
Wait
What?
I brought something
Ooh! Good
We can record our love
Susan Hi, Sis, it's Helen
Yeah, did I loan you my big
platter? Oh, great, great
Yeah, I thought so Would
you bring it over tonight?
I just need it to serve
Oh, listen,
Julie got 1,291 on her SATs
I know I know I feel so
proud of her It's great
Yeah How's Patty?
We're a little disappointed
with the effort
she's been giving lately
towards her work
Math, French,
everything's gone down
Nathan's talking to her right now
He's trying to figure out what's wrong
Look, Patty,
all I'm saying is,
if you wanna have just an
ordinary academic career
and attend an ordinary university,
that's your prerogative,
but I must tell you I think
you're selling yourself way short
How's it going?
I don't know Sometimes I feel as
though we want it more than she does
Patty, you know
we love you
Could you just give your father that
little extra effort he's looking for?
Okay, Mama
That's all I ask
Come on, Kevin
I got you
I want that, Kevin I want that! No
Kevin! Taylor!
No!
Time to come in
now, children
Okay
Okay, Grandma
Hey, hey, you wanna
Come on, I don't believe it
Gil, you have a good memory
Was it yours or Helen or
Susan's wedding I got drunk at?
It was all three, Dad
Congratulations
Well, which one did I
punch the bandleader?
That was mine
We have photos
I'm having them blown up
for the commitment hearings
You think he's funny, huh? When
he was a kid, he wasn't this funny
Stayed in his room all day Boy, you
were a moody little son of a bitch
Gee, I wonder why?
Do you remember that little
guy who wouldn't leave my side?
I know
Well, now, you know, if I take a step
towards him, he just takes a step away
I don't know what's
happening to him, you know
He's just so unhappy
and he won't talk to me, and
I don't know how to help him
Did you ever consider
having Ed talk to him?
Are you kidding?
He won't even acknowledge
he's got these kids,
now that he's got his new wife
and his new kids!
He won't even fix
my kids' teeth anymore
He says it makes him
uncomfortable
Please
Yeah, I wish he'd drop
his drill down his pants
Are you seeing anybody?
Well, Garry's biology teacher
asked me out
Biology? That's promising
No, no, no, no He's not
the type I usually go for
"The Penal Colony
by Franz Kafka"
Hey, Nathan,
Patty a doctor yet?
Mock if you will
All right
Our children are more capable of retaining
and absorbing information than we are,
and yet we insist on treating
them like adorable little morons
What are you saying, Patty
can learn things I can't learn?
Patty, which one of these
is the square root of 8,649?
Ninety-three
They're like sponges, Gil,
just waiting to absorb
I want this
You see?
Take my advice Forget about Kevin and
Taylor It's too late Work on Justin
Actually, Justin is quite bright In
his preschool class, he was the only
Slow down, Justin
I'll get you some dip
Oh, you remember that guy you went
out with in college? Jeffrey Sanders?
You know, you always chased me out
of the room whenever he came over
Oh, yeah
I saw him today
God, what a loser, huh?
In a Rolls
I meant me
What is that?
Oh, Nathan and Patty and I
are power-eating
We bring our own
food everywhere
He turned me onto it,
and I never felt better
Where do you
get that stuff?
This is it Everybody in the living
room This is the big surprise
Okay, Frank
Oh, Larry My baby
You look great
Dad!
How are you, son?
Oh, boy
Great to see you!
Shit
Well put
Who's that? Wait a second,
I've got something for you
That's my kid brother
Larry Your uncle
Don't give him
any money
I won't
Just a little something for
being the best dad in the world
I found it a couple of months
ago It's for your collection
A toy car!
Oh, this is great
A Stutz!
Yeah, you got it Spend
it on the people you love,
right?
Is this Grandma?
Yeah, she's still alive
Jesus, Grandma,
you got short
I'm shrinking
Bummer
Gilbo
Larry
How long has it been?
Three years? About that
You stopped
wearing your turban
Yeah
My God, Susan, you look great
If you weren't my sister
Helen, I know
it's been hard
Dad?
You were supposed to wait
outside so I could introduce you
Well, why don't you
do it now, Larry?
Everybody,
this is my son Cool
Did he say, "Cool"?
Cool
Your son?
It's a long story
Let's eat
Yeah, well, good idea
Keep Patty
away from my brother
He'll suck the intelligence
right out of her
Cool is adorable Adorable Why didn't
you ever write us you had a son?
I didn't know myself
until a couple of months ago
You see, a few years ago, I was
living in Vegas with this girl
Showgirl She was
in that show Elvis on Ice
Anywho, we drifted apart as people
do in these complicated times,
and then a couple of months
ago, she shows up with Cool,
tells me, "You watch him I shot
someone I have to leave the country"
That's a parent?
Anyway,
we're back in town because I've
got something really huge cooking
Enormo Monster
Dad, this is it!
From now on, I'm going to
be taking care of all of you
This isn't another get-rich-quick
scheme, is it, Larry?
What's wrong
with getting rich quick?
Quick is the best way to get
rich Look who I'm talking to
Did you ever see
her family?
They find a nickel, they huddle
together and bury it like squirrels
What's the deal, son?
What do you have going?
Has anyone heard
of hydroponics?
Well, that's great, Larry
Hydroponics is the growing of plants
without soil It's very exciting
What are you using? Coarse
sand or suspension hydroponics?
I don't
There's a guy with glasses
and a lab coat
that makes that decision
I make the deal
And I got to thinking Cool's
had no kind of life, no family,
so while I'm locking
this thing down,
I thought it'd be nice
if we stayed with you
With us?
Couple of weeks
The thing is, Larry, we don't have
the big house anymore, you know?
We didn't need it
We just have the one bedroom
for us and one for Grandma
Well, Grandma's welcome
to stay with us for a while
I think it'd be valuable for Patty
to have a multigenerational influence
Fine with me
Well, I'll have to give you a list of
the medications, and when and how much,
and you'll have to
pick up her shower chair
There's the batteries for her hearing
aid, magnifying glass for reading
Oh, jeez
What happened?
Your mouth used up
all the power
Don't worry, Dad,
we can still find the bar
I'll get a flashlight
I'll get it, Sis
Mom, Dad,
what happened?
Where is it? In the bedroom?
It's in the nightstand
Mom, Dad, what happened?
I'm getting a flashlight
Kevin Kevin! You know I
don't like it in the dark
Honey,
this is a blackout
It's a temporary interruption in
the electrical supply of the home
It's okay, honey
Something's busted Relax
Where's the switch? Does
this look like my house?
Here Bring it here
Oh, here it is
What is this?
Mommy, what was that?
That was
an electric ear cleaner
It was kind of big
It sure was
I mean, I don't think you
really have to worry about it
The point is that once they see us,
then they'll realize that we're fine,
and the kid is fine,
and it's not something
Gil
Karen
I think we're going to
have to be very careful
about Kevin's
educational environment
Absolutely
With that in mind,
I don't think Kevin should
come back here next fall
I'm going to recommend that
he be transferred to a school
that offers special
education classes
You mean because
he's so smart?
Actually, I mean a class for
children with emotional problems
Hi I'm sorry I'm late
You must be the Buckmans
I'm Dr Jeffrey Lucas
Dr Lucas is
a child psychologist
He's been observing Kevin
for the last couple of months
Why?
Mr Buckman,
this is a public school
Thirty-eight kids
to a class
We estimate that Kevin's
teacher spends at least
20% of her time
dealing with Kevin
That class is going to finish
the year behind It isn't fair
Kevin is a very sweet, very
sensitive, extremely tense little boy
He needs
some special attention
It's 'cause he was first Mmm?
It's because
he was our first
I mean, I think we were very
tense when Kevin was little
If he got a scratch,
we were hysterical
By the third kid, you know,
you let them juggle knives
On the other hand, Kevin may
have been like this in the womb
Recent studies indicate that
these things are all chemical
She smoked grass
Gil! I never smoked
when I was pregnant
Yeah, but in college,
you were like a chimney
I thought you were
gonna join a reggae band
Fifteen years ago
I'm just saying there could've
been some chromosome distortions
Well, you let them do anything You
let them watch TV just like that
So we'll throw the TVs out We'll
put the TVs in the garbage, then,
and you and I, we'll perform
works from Shakespeare or some
I'm sorry
I'm just a little
thrown off by this
Gil Karen
You should not look upon the fact that
Kevin will be going to a special school
as any kind of failure
on your part
No, I'll blame the dog
In an educational environment
that's more sensitive to his needs
All right, look First of all, Kevin
is not going to a special school
Whether it's right or not,
there's a stigma
People are cruel,
especially children,
and I won't subject Kevin
to that kind of cruelty
If we have to, we'll send
him to a private school
I don't care what it costs
I'll get a second job
Mr and Mrs Buckman, this is a
problem that won't just go away
Well, if we need to, we'll send
Kevin to a private therapist
That's right Look, it's a
problem We're aware of it,
but we're his parents
We can handle it
Well,
the next school year is
four months off, so
let's see
what can be accomplished
Thank you
No! Tod Tod!
I need to see No, not in
the street Please Please
What is this?
It's the party celebrating my
mother's promotion at the bank
Give me that
Give me that
Excuse me This is the wrong
batch This is my mother's
There should be
another envelope for Buckman
Okay
That was picked up already
By who?
Huh
Hmm
I think this one is my
favorite This is just
It was just for fun, Mom Well,
I'm glad to know it's not a job
That's that Tod, isn't it? There's
one where you can see his face
Is that what bothers you?
That I did those things
or that I did them with Tod?
Gee whiz, Julie, there's so many
things that bother me about this
I don't know
how to separate them
Oh!
Ooh! Here's something
for my wallet
Tod is very important to me And
we've got the pictures to prove it
Mom!
This is your room
You did these things
right here in my house?
Well, I thought someone in this
house ought to be having sex
I mean, with something that
doesn't require batteries
What did you say to me? God
damn it, you get back here!
Open this door,
God damn it to hell!
I would just like a little
respect! Not a lot! Just a little!
Do you know why I'm having sex
with machinery?
Because your father left to have a
party, and I stayed to raise two kids
I have no life! God damn it!
What are you doing?
I'm leaving before we
say things we'll regret
You're gonna say something
worse than the battery remark?
Tod and I are in love
It's not "going steady"
love, it's love
I need him
He's my life
He touches me, and I quiver
Oh, would you give me
just a small break?
See? You can't handle it
Tod's working now We'll find
a place to live somewhere
Hi, Garry
Hi
I'm moving out, Garry
Bye
See? You've upset
your brother!
Julie,
I'm telling you,
if you walk out of this house
against my wishes,
don't ever think
about coming back here
Fine
Julie!
Julie!
Julie!
Honey
Honey, I'm always here
if you need me
Sweetheart!
Honey, be careful If you
want anything, just call me!
Julie!
Bye
Oh, man
Incredible
Just incredible
I knew you'd be the one
who'd appreciate this
Three years, every night, every
weekend I had dinner out here!
You know, it was a piece
of junk when I found it
First time I got laid
was in a car like this
Frank!
What?
Cool just finished lunch
I'll call the newspaper
I thought you and Larry
could take him somewhere
I am showing Larry my car
Just plop him down
in front of the TV
That's what he
always does
Wasn't that Super Bowl incredible
right down to the last minute?
Amazing
They're usually not
that close, huh? Oh, no
No, that's right,
and usually
the winning team covers
the point spread Usually
you can count on it
Take a beating? No,
thanks I already took one
Anyway, I had to pay off,
and it's left me a little
What do you need?
Come on, don't insult me I
didn't come here to be insulted
Come on Come on
Putting together a deal, you got to
look like you can piss with the big boys
You see? You know
How much?
Couple of thousand
Three, tops
Three?
Tops
Good
You see, Grandma, Patty
studies Eastern philosophy
Our future leaders are gonna have to be
much more in tune with the Oriental mind
Okay, sweetie,
one more time
Nathan, guess what?
Oh, you're home early
Yeah, I have good news
What?
What's up?
I'm going to teach
summer school classes
That means we'll have
vacation money
Oh, that's great
Mexico
S, s
Gil and Karen are gonna take
Patty I just wanna call them
Gee, honey, I'm really not too pro
on Patty spending a week with Gil
Why not? They offered
I'm a little concerned about his
jocularity I mean, he's a wonderful guy
It's just he's a little, you know,
light-hearted about things that I
That, you know,
that we consider important
She has fun over there You
know, she scampers She cavorts
Try this
We take Patty with us
To Mexico?
It's a perfect opportunity
to start her on Spanish
It'll be fun
Nathan
I thought it would be nice
if you and I could be alone
We will be
We'll get two rooms
Which one will I be in?
Patty
That means
"come here" in Spanish!
Por favor Please
I want you
to listen to something
I got a tape
of a mariachi band
An authentic, indigenous,
native Mexican form of music
Gil, good morning
Hello, Cindy
When were you
gonna tell me?
Tell you what?
Lenny called this morning and
he said they were wondering
where I thought we should take Phil
Richards to celebrate his partnership
That Lenny is an asshole
Do you believe that guy?
Nobody was supposed to have
that information until next month
That partnership is mine
You said it was just held up
by Ted's surgery,
and then when he got back
you'd make it official
Look, I never said you didn't do
great work You do terrific work
Every firm does good work
Look, I know you're
a lot smarter than Phil,
but the guy works
like a Trojan
He schmoozes clients
He brings in business
He's here nights,
weekends I own the guy
And that's what puts your name
on the door
This is really
coming out of left field
I've been here eight years
I'm the backbone of the
operation I know that
If I don't
get this partnership,
I got to think about
going somewhere else
I got to tell you, Gil I don't
consider that a realistic idea
Why?
You go somewhere else,
you're gonna have to get in line
behind guys who are younger than you,
who have been there longer,
who are more committed
and who are willing
to work for less money
Look, this thing with Phil
is not etched in stone
I can jerk him along
for the next month
Why don't you use that time
to give us your best shot?
Put in the hours,
dazzle me
Dazzle you?
Listen, Dave, I'm
having a problem at home
I really need to spend a lot of
extra time with my son right now
Then I don't know
what we can do
Get this guy! Get this guy!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Oh!
Well, they're bad dudes That's
why they call the game Bad Dudes
Okay, I should go stay with the
girls You got enough quarters?
Yeah
Okay
Dad?
Yeah?
How come I'm seeing
a psychiatrist?
Yeah, we were gonna have
a big talk about that
What's wrong with me?
Nothing Nothing
You're great
Then how come
Look
Look
You're a kid like I was You
have a lot of worries, that's all
And these doctors, they're experts
at helping people with their worries
It's nothing
to feel bad about
Look, you're a great kid, and
I love you very much, okay?
Okay
Okay
You know what I think?
I think this is gonna be
a great summer for you
And don't forget you
got a birthday coming up
Let's have a great party
That'll be fun, huh?
Can we have Cowboy Dan?
Who?
Cowboy Dan
The gun-fighting balloon man
He was at Billy's party
He's cool
Absolutely It's a done deal
This is your dad talking now
Now, you've got me excited
Okay, now, what do we say when we see
a cute eight-year-old girl walk by?
Hubba-hubba
Hubba-hubba Okay
Oh, don't tell your mom I taught
you that It could be bad Let's go
Wow!
You like it?
Yeah, it's good It's shiny
Yeah! You know, it was
junk when I found it
The first time
I got laid was in
That's a story
for another time
Hi, Dad Dinner ready?
What was that?
Huh?
Oh, some friends
were just dropping me off
Friends? Friends slow down
They even stop
Dad
Oh, Mommy
Sweetie,
you're gonna be okay
Honey, why would you
be panhandling?
I needed money
for a place to stay
Julie, you have
a place to stay
I'd have to tell you
what happened
What did happen? I just said
I didn't want to tell you
Did you leave that Tod?
Yes
He promised me he was gonna
start a house-painting business,
then he said
he'd changed his mind
He's gonna race dragsters
with his brothers
He can't even drive
a regular car
So his brothers came over
and we got in a fight
He said, "No bitch is gonna
tell me what to do for a living"
He told me he loved me
Sweetie
They say that,
and then they come
Honey, what can you expect
from a kid like that?
Mom, back off The last guy
you dated stole our furniture
Men are scum
I know
I know, sweetie
Men are scum
Hi, Garry
Honey, Julie's home
Great
Come on, let's go
eat lots of ice cream
Do you want an ice-cream soda? No
How about Do you want,
like, a hot-fudge sundae?
Do you want
a banana split?
Mmm-mmm
Do you want something
like French fries? Yeah
You do?
Julie!
Tod!
I thought I'd
find you here
What does that make you,
Sherlock Holmes? I live here
You live with me
I wouldn't live with you
if the world were flooded with
piss and you lived in a tree
Excuse me, I'm going to the movies
You're not leaving here until
you hear what I have to say
I'm not
Julie!
Let go of me!
Let her go!
Julie, just listen to me!
Julie, please!
Let her go!
God damn it! Let her go!
Julie Please!
Please, Miss Buckman, I love
her Let her go! God damn it!
Julie, you can't run
out on me You're my wife
If you don't let her go, I'm
gonna call the You're his what?
His wife We got married
a couple of days ago
Are you out of your mind?
Mom!
No, please, Miss Buckman!
Are you out of your mind?
Julie, I didn't mean it
What?
I'm sorry
My brothers were ragging on me
and I couldn't back down,
but last night, I told them
They mean nothing
You mean everything
Oh, Tod
Christ
Okay, look lively, look
lively You're doing great
Shortstop, here it goes
All right, pick it up!
Easy, now over to first That's right
That's the way to play That's good
All right, you're beautiful You're
a bunch of wild, young bohemians Okay
Let's go again Okay,
second base Here we go
Now get down on it Don't be
afraid It can't hurt you, Ben
Here we go Get down on that
Get down on it, get down!
Wayne, get Ben some ice
All right, we're gonna
need a new second baseman
Now, which one of you outfielders
wants to try second base, huh?
Huh?
How about you, Kevin?
You wanna try second base?
Okay
All right
Oh, Matt, come on None of that
We're a team Let's be a team
Now, come on Get out
there and hustle Let's go
Hey, Kevin, remember,
the word is "fun"
So just go on
out there
and what you catch,
you catch,
and what you miss,
you miss
Okay?
Okay, Dad
Okay Come on
Way to go, Kevin
And now it is my great pleasure
to introduce our valedictorian,
Kevin Buckman
Thank you
You know, when I was nine years
old, I had kind of a rough time
A lot of people thought
I was pretty mixed up
But there was one person
who got me through it
He did everything right
And thanks to him, today,
well, I'm the happiest,
most confident,
and most well-adjusted person
in this world
Dad, I love you
You're the greatest
All right!
All right!
Okay!
One more out, guys!
Let's go! Let's go!
How's your arm, son?
Not too tired?
Hey, Gil, our boys
finally gonna win one game?
Way to be supportive, Lou
That's right
That's right, Kevin!
Way to go Way to go, Tommy!
All right! All right!
All right, Adam
We got bases loaded
We're only one run down
Now, you can do it Get
up there Come on, now
Please, God,
let them win one game
Got it!
No!
You stink, Buckman!
He had no business
being out there!
What's the matter with you?
No business!
No!
He had no business
being out there! Terrible!
Why'd you make me
play second base?
Someone's climbed to the roof
of the bell tower with a rifle!
It's Kevin Buckman His
father totally screwed him up
What's he yelling?
You made me play
second base!
Kevin, I'm sorry
I did the best I could
Nice shot, son It's
important to be supportive
Come on, let's sing
one of the old tunes
When you're sliding
into home
And your pants
are full of foam
Diarrhea
Well?
Why are you pouring water
through my diaphragm?
To check
To see if it's okay
You didn't know I did that, did you? No
Obviously not, or you
wouldn't have tried this
Are you accusing me
of making that hole?
No, a woodpecker came in here,
went into the bathroom,
opened the drawer
with his little wing,
and pecked a couple of holes
in your diaphragm
I can't believe you would jeopardize
our plans, Susan Remember what we read?
"A vast majority
of truly exceptional people
"are either only children
or first-born
"with at least a five-year
separation between sibs"
We agreed to
No, you agreed
And they're not sibs They're
babies And I wanna have another one
So, this is how you go about it, by
vandalizing a contraceptive device?
Because you won't
discuss it with me!
I did discuss it with you,
years ago!
Well, I think we were wrong
Well, I think we were right
And I'm not
discussing it again
Tod!
Yeah
Do you want me
to cook you breakfast?
No, thanks, Helen
Julie's gonna do it
Great I'll get
the fire extinguisher
All right
I'll see you guys at dinner
Sweet Jesus!
What are you doing?
Are you joining the Marines?
I knew you'd make
a thing out of this, Mom
Just clean up the hair
Wait
Do it like that
Cool! No, I love it
Thanks so much
You ready, Garry?
You want anything to eat?
How long are they
gonna be living here?
Not much longer, I think
Well, I was
just thinking
It's getting
pretty crowded here
Oh, it's not so crowded
There's a lot more room
since they shaved their heads
Well, I was just thinking
maybe I could stay
with Dad for a while
What?
Well, I've been here a long time Maybe
I should live with him for a while
You wanna live
with your father?
Kind of
Have you talked
to your father about that?
No, not yet
I thought I'd call him
Honey,
you know, you don't know
your father like I do
I don't know him at all
What's his number?
Well,
he'd be at work now
So that's
206-5790
Yeah, yeah
Is Dr Lampkin there?
His son
No, Dad, it's not Joey
It's Garry, your other son
Well, I need
to ask you something
It'll just take a second
Well, would it be okay if
I stay with you for a while?
A few months
Okay
Oh, Ed You shit
He, um
He didn't think it was
such a good idea
Oh, sweetie
I gotta go
Oh, honey
Gil? Hey, Gil?
Yes, Miles?
When's Cowboy Dan the gun-fighting
balloon man gonna be here?
Isn't that him?
No, that's the schmuck
who brought the horse
I don't think
he's coming
Yes, of course he is
The man's a professional
Do you think he wants to put a blot on
the entire balloon-bending profession?
Go on and have fun And we'll have
some burgers and dogs in a second
Let's go watch the horse shit! Yeah!
Patty, why don't you
play with Justin?
I don't understand
what he's doing
Well, he's spinning
What for?
No reason
Just for fun
It doesn't look
like fun
It isn't
You tried it?
So does Julie
have a nice place?
Oh, yeah, yeah, she has a lovely
place Yeah, she has my place
She and that Tod
are both living in my house
Really?
Well, actually
it was my idea
You know, otherwise, she was
gonna quit school and get a job and
I don't know Maybe this way,
she'll still go to college
All right All right
All right All right
Here we go
The thumb trick Ready?
Thumb trick
Do the thumb trick
Look at my thumb Ready?
Here we go Watch it Watch it
What are you doing?
Thumb trick
Show her, Dad
Okay, but this is the
last time Here we go Ready?
I mean, Justin's gonna
go full-time next year,
so everybody's asking when
I'm gonna go back to work,
like I'm supposed to
And I'm thinking about it I mean,
I used to work It was okay, but
You know, I think
I'm better at this
I mean, I think I'm
sort of good at it, so
But then, people make me
feel embarrassed,
like I don't have
goals or something
Like I sit around here
eating bonbons all day, right?
Oh, I don't know
Well, what does Gil say?
He says I should do
whatever I want
I could've
killed him for that
What are you
so upset about?
Nathan, she's weird
She's a weird child
I think a few days a week of
preschool could be very helpful
This is not the right age for
Patty to be socially activated
We went through it
She's not a bomb
She's a little kid
who has no ability to relate
to other little kids
Do you want her
to relate to him?
Help! Help! Help!
See, when I met him,
I was a little wild
I was a little
out of control
and he kind of
took me in hand
I liked that
He's very commanding
He got me into teaching
He got my shit together
Boy, he really
turned me on
Really? I mean,
of course, really
Oh, Nathan and I
used to be hot
I know he doesn't
look it, but
I mean,
we were like rabbits
I used to give him,
you know,
oral,
you know,
on the highway
What?
You know, he was always
trying to get a research grant
And you thought
that would help?
No, but I mean,
he kept getting turned down
and he'd get real,
real tense
So if I saw him getting,
you know, really tense,
I'd just lean over while
he was driving and I'd
Susan
What?
I just spoke
to your mother
Grandma wants to stay over
at Helen's for a while
Can you drive her there
tomorrow?
Sure
Great
He likes to butt things
with his head
How proud you must be
Here it is Now it's right
there in front of you
Okay Careful now
Careful
Yeah!
Here,
take this off
Now really try
and hit it
Yeah Really give it
a good shot
Yeah Give it
a good whack!
Whack!
Put your shoulder into it
and whack it
Now just kill it!
Kill it!
When I was born,
Grover Cleveland
was president
I'm sorry I'm late
Where should I do it?
Who are you and
what are you going to do?
I'm from Party Time
Entertainment
I'm your stripper
What's the birthday boy's name?
Because I paint it across my breasts
Okay, it was a mix-up I got
Cowboy Dan's card and he got mine
I'm sorry Goodbye,
Wait a minute What about
Cowboy Dan? He is coming
He showed up at the Lodge
Hall, and they were expecting me
They beat him severely,
so Cowboy Dan
ain't comingo
Cowboy Dan's
not coming?
Come on, Kevin,
hold it together
I knew it
I told you
All the kids are gonna hate me It's
gonna be just like Little League
Cowboy Dan is coming
Gil! He's coming Cowboy Dan is coming!
Howdy, partner
You're Kevin's father!
You're not Cowboy Dan
Yeah!
That's right
They call me Cowboy Gil,
as in guilty
I saw Cowboy Dan I didn't
like the look on his face
It was like this,
so I killed him
I blew a hole in him
this big,
That's too small
Actually,
it was about this big
You know, when I think about
it, that hole was about this big
Yeah, and his guts were
spilled out all over the floor
As I was walking away,
I slipped around on his guts
And a couple of other people came by and
they started slipping on his guts, too
After I blow a hole in somebody
and slip around on their guts,
afterwards,
I always like to
make balloon animals
That's mighty
courteous of you
Here we god
What's he doing?
I don't know
Your lower intestines
Watch out, you little varmints!
Why, you! You darned kids!
Why, you little lily-livered
lumps of cat meat!
Where's Cowboy Gil?
Where'd he go?
Ambush, you little
four-footers
And here it is It's made
with a quart of milk,
two cups of sugar
and three cow pies
Come on and get it
Will you get down off the
horse before you hurt yourself?
Honey, I got to make
a big exit
That's Cowboy Gil's woman
Take a bow, little lady
Hi Hi
I sure hope that when I
mosey back this way one day,
you don't mind
if I stop in and say hello
Well, I got to be moseying
on back to Abilene
Keep your powder
and your pants dry
Kevin, I hope this is the best
danged birthday you ever had
Adis, buckaroos
Giddy-up, Thunder Thighs!
Adis, buckaroos Don't try
and follow me to Abilene
Good night, sweetheart
Good night, Mom
Did you have
a nice birthday?
Dad was funny
He sure was
Well, good night,
nine-year-old boy
Happy birthday, kiddo
Dad?
Yeah?
When I grow up,
can I work where you work?
Why?r
That way we can still
see each other every day
Good night
I love you
I love you, too
Mom?n
Hubba-hubba
Garry?n
Garry?r
Let me out of here,
mango face!
Hello, Helen?h
Oh, the door was unlocked
Oh, my God!'
What channel is this?
No, Gran, this is a tape
She needs a mana
Nowi
Gran, this isn't mine
I don't watch this
What's everybody
doing in here?
Did you break
my lock?
Susie, Gran, would you
please go to my room?
Sure
One of those men reminded me
of your grandpa God bless him
Garry, listen to me
How could you break my lock?
I came in here because I
was afraid you were on drugs
Why would you think that?
Because of what you did
to your father's offices
What do you mean?
He found your hammer
You know, those were your
initials burned into the handle
Someone must have taken it
Oh, Garry, just
Honey, you know,
all these feelingsa
You're right to have
all these feelings
You're a great kid
You're a great kid, honey
You just got a lousy dadt
And you've just got to learn
to say, "The hell with him!"
Actually, that's good
advice for both of us
The hell with him!
I don't know what to say
about the tapes
You know, I assume that, you know,
you're watching these because
you're curious about sex,
you know,
or filmmaking,
Is there anything
you'd like to ask?
Who?
Me
No, I don't blame you
What about Uncle Gil?
He's busy
with his own kids
Hi
Hic
Where's my wife?
She's still at school
She's got cheerleading practice Bitchin'
So what's up?
Would you like
to speak to Tod?
Can I speak frankly,
no holds barred?
Pleased
That is one messed-up
little dude
You sure
we can talk straight?
All rightu
A few months ago,
Garry got his first boner
You know what that is?h
If memory servest
Great! Anyway,
since then he's beenn
uh,,
slapping the salami
No offense
Noe
Apparently, he's going
for a world record
Chicken's burning
Oh!-
Ohu
Damn! That looked
good, tool
Anyway,'
he was afraid there was something
wrong with him, you know?
Like he was a pervert
or somethingg
I told him that's what little
dudes do We've all done it
That made him happyo
Garry was happy?
Yeah,
he even smiled
I never even knew
he had teethm
I guess a boy Garry's age
really needs a man around
Yeah, well,
it depends on the man
I had a man around
He used to wake me up in the morning
by flicking lit cigarettes at my head
"Hey, asshole, get up
and make me breakfast"
You know, Miss Buckman, you need a
license to buy a dog or drive a car
Hell, you need a license
to catch a fish,g
but they'll let any
butt-reaming asshole be a father
Well, I'm gonna
pick up Julie They're hassling her
about her hairl
She does look
kind of stupida
I don't know what
we were thinking about
Tod?
Thanks
Kevin wants to goe
How did you go through
those quarters so fast?
Another kid took Kevin's money Shut up!
What kid? Never mind
Never mind Can we just go?
It was that kid
Never mind!
That kid? That kid's not bigger
than you Go back and get your money!
Dad, let me
handle it, okay?
Kevin, do you want me to
help you get your money back?
No, can we just go?
I wanna go!o
Okay
"Okay"?r
Now, that's a little kid
Justin can beat up that kid!k
Shut up, Dad
Will you just shut up?t
Oh, no!g
What's the matter?
I lost my retainer!u
Where?
Shh Honey
It's okays
I put my retainer
on the tablem
Just relax Kevin, it's okay, honey
It's his retainer
He lost his retainer
It's all right, sweetheart
Come on, sweetie We'll find it
Oh, God!
Here, let me
Where are the kids?g
Your folks are
driving them home
They'll wait with them
at our houset
Oh, that's just what Kevin
needs, time alone with my dad
Yuck! Let's just goe
Gil, they're $200
If you dropped $200 in here,
you'd look, right?
Yeah,
Let's face it
He's getting worsen
He has his good days,
and he has his bad days
Why is he so high-strung?
He's like a poodle
Everything's blown
out of proportion
Where does he get
this obsessive behavior?
I wish I knewe
They're gonna put him
in special edr
Gil, what did you think?g
That you'd dress up like a
cowboy and coach Little League,t
and Kevin would be fine?y
No
I mean, no, I didn'tr
Yeah Yeah, okay, I didt
Well, honey, you were
really kidding yourself
You know, when your kid is
born, it can still be perfectt
You haven't made
any mistakes yet
And then they grow up
to be likeh
Like mea
Oh, I'm gonna be home
late tomorrow How come?
I'm attempting
to dazzle Dave
I'm trying to put together
a major income-property thing
for one of our
bigger clients
Has Dave said anything?h
Thursday when I left for
Little League, he said,
"Let's all thank Gil
for stopping by"
I didn't take it
as a good sign,
Well, let's just wait and see You
know, worrying isn't gonna help
God, I'm so tense
You're tense
right now, honey?e
My back is tense
My neck is tense
My ears are tense It's like
they're hot or something
Maybe I can do something
to help you relaxi
I doubt it, honeym
I'd like to tryh
I am so sorrye
It's all right, honey It was my fault
You just kind of took me by surprise
So how did this happen?
Show him, honeya
It's awfully late, Frank We
need to get Cool right to bed
He'll be all rightt
Hi, Dad
Take the boy inside
I couldn't resist I had to take it
out for a spin It purrs like a kitten
You're probably wondering why I
took it out without telling you
I wanted to have it appraised so
that you'd know how much it was worth
Only they can't appraise it
unless they have all the paperwork,
the registration, the proof of
purchase You've got those things around?
I'm not a schmuck!d
You were going to
sell my car
Sell Dadr
Look, don't bullshit me
anymore! It belittles us both!
I want you
out of the house
Dad, they're gonna
kill mea
Bookies?h
Frigging basketball!
I had a lock
This miserable son-of-a-bitch
rookie throws in a goddamn 50-footer
at the buzzer
It was a nightmarer
It was like he reached
into my chest and ripped outt
Oh, shut up!
How much do you owe?t
The truth now!
$26,000
Jesus!
Dad, I'm never gambling
again, I swear to God,
but these guys
mean businesse
What about that 3,000
I gave you?n
I took it to the trackl
I wanted to run it up
so that I wouldn't have to
hit you for the whole amount
What the hell
is the matter with you?
You're not a kid anymore!
You're not stupid!
Dad, I can't get a break
I have been so close so
many times, I could touch it
Did you ever think
about getting a job?
Oh Greata
Oh That is just great Now, what
did you always tell me, huh?
"Make your mark!
Make your mark!r
"Don't be one of the
numbers Make your mark!"
You misunderstood me!
You weren't listening!
Oh, come on, if I called
you up to tell you,
"Hey Dad, I'm the new assistant
sub-vice president of pencil sharpening
"at some crappy
little company,"
you're telling me
you'd think that was great?
I am better than that!
I am not Gil!
Look, I've made some mistakes
I have to learn from them,
They're going to
kill me, Dad,u
with paine
I'm your son
Hydrogeni
Heliumd
Carbonc
Excuse me, honeyt
I don't mean to interrupt,
but I've made up some new cards
Really?
That's great, Mommy
I'm so glad you're back with
the program Let's do your cards
Why don't I show them to you first
and make sure they're appropriate?
Okays
Sweetheart, Mommy and Daddy will be back
in two minutes How many seconds is that?
One-twenty
Excelente
"This is
"the only wayw
"I can get
"your attention"o
Honey, this is really basic
stuff She's way beyond this
"I'm leaving you"
You're leaving me?t
"Yes"
Well, thank you
I really had
a great time
It's been years since
anybody's taken me to a carnival
You thought that was a carnival?
That was my parents' house
You know, you're pretty
funny for a biology teacher
Thank youy
Would you like
to come in?
Sure
Okayo
Hi, guys
Hey, Miss B!u
Hi, Mom
Hi, Mr Bowmang
Knee drop!l
It's a nice
knee drop, honeye
Would you like
some coffee? I'd love someu
The kitchen's
right through here
Can I ask you something? Sure
How come you finally
decided to go out with me?e
Well, my grandmother
told me to
No, really She's been staying with
us Only, it's a little crowded,
so tomorrow I'm taking her
over to my brother Gil'sr
Hi, Julie Julie, I would like
to introduce you to Mr Bowman!
Tod?
Julie?
What's up?
Did you get the Twinkies?
I foundn
this'
in the trunk of your carr
You're racing again,
aren't you?
Yeah, so what?
So you promised
That's what!a
I changed my mind
You changed your mind?
Yeah, I changed my mind!e
What about
house painting?
I gave it up You gave it
up? That was your future!n
Well,i
Dave and Rod kind of took
all the equipment and split,
and I don't know
where they are
I told you not to trust
those guys Didn't I tell you?o
I'm not as smart
as you are, okay?
I didn't get 13,000
on my SATs, okay?n
I'm stupid, okay?
Okay! Julie
Butt out!v
Maybe I should leave No,
maybe I should leavei
What do you mean
"maybe"?p
Tod?e
What is it with the
women in this family?
They make all the men
in this family want to leave
Well, if he thinks I'm having
his baby now, he's crazy!
Baby? Your daughter's having a baby?S
A baby?d
You're gonna be
a grandma??
No, no, no, no, no, nod
I'm too young You know,
grandmothers are old
They bake, and they sew,u
and they tell you stories
about the Depressionl
I was at Woodstock, for
Christ's sake! I peed in a field!
I've hung onto the Who's
helicopter as it flew away!
I was at Woodstock
Oh, yeah? I thought
you looked familiar!
Gil, I've spoken
with Ted and Dan,
and we have decided to
make Phil Richards a partner
Holy shit!d
Now, I know you're upset
Upset?y
Haven't you seen the deals
I've been putting together?z
I have been killing myself
I mean, aren't you dazzled?
You still don't
get it, do you?
Phil has just brought in three
brand-new multimillion-dollar clients
He has spent the last month wining and
dining these guys, getting them laid
He doesn't tell me
about problems with his kids
I'm not even sure
if he has kids
If this man's dick fell off,
he would still show up to work
He is an animal That's
what dazzles, not the workl
You can't do what he does
You hate that shitd
Now, Phil Richards
I quit!i
Oh, Gil
Forget ith
Phil brought you some
big clients You're happyt
Oh, Gils
I'm just going to call my clients,
give them the news, and I'm out of here
Friday's my last day
Don't make me a party
Gil!
Dave!
Hey, this is not
a playground, okay?
Dad!t
Daddy
Not now!t
Okay
Not now!e
Knock it off!
God, I can't believe
they did thisi
All right, the other kids got
picked up, ours are watching a tape,
and Helen just dropped
your Grandma off Let's talk
I quit my job Why?a
They gave the partnership
to Phil Richards
Phil Richards, this is a guy
who leaves his wife and kids
and then puts all his money
in his girlfriend's namet
so they can't touch him for
child support I mean, the guy is
Anyway, I couldn't
stand it I snapped
Can you still
change your mind?p
What do you mean,
change my mind? I quiti
I know,
but did you say anythingr
that would make it difficult
for them to take you back?
Jesus, honey, I was hoping you'd be a
little more supportive It's not like I
I'm pregnantt
Since when?r
Since I am
I'm due in Februaryo
I didn't want to say
anything till I was sure
How did this happen?h
It was an accident
Anyhow, this is why
I'm sayingc
maybe now this isn't
the best timet
for you to be out of work
or starting a new job
You know, if you'd told me there
was a chance of this happening,
I might not have quit
in the first placeo
Well, you never told me there
was a chance you might quit
It was a spur-of-the-moment
decision Pretty big one
So what are you saying
I should do?i
Crawl back to work and kiss Dave's
feet and get my crappy job back?
I quit! If I go back now,
they got me I'm a eunuch!
You know, this puts a
minor crimp in my life, tooj
I was thinking about starting back
to work in the fall Now I can't
Well, that's the difference
between men and womeni
Women have choices
Men have responsibilities
Oh, really?
Oh, okay, well,
then I choose for you to have
the baby, okay? That's my choice
You have the baby
You get fat
You breastfeed
till your nipples are soree
I'll go back to work!
All right, let's return from la-la
land because that ain't gonna happen
And whether I crawl back to
Dave or I get another job,
it's obvious now I'm going to
have to spend less time at home
I'm gonna have to have
business dinners,k
and I'm gonna have to
play racquetball,
and I'm gonna have to
get guys laid,
so I hope you don't mind if I
bring a few prostitutes home, honey,
because that's what it
takes to get anywhere,
and I'm not
getting anywhere,
so whatever happens, you have
to count on less help from me
Why don't you just say
what you're really thinking?s
What am I thinking?n
That I should have
an abortion?
I didn't say thatt
That's a decision every
woman has to make on her ownm
What, are you running
for Congress?
Don't give me that I want your
opinion about what we should do
Let's pretend
it's your decision, okay?
Pretend you're a caveman or your
father What do you want me to do?
I want I want
whatever you wanth
Well, I wanna have the babyt
Well, great! Let's have it, then Let's
see how I can screw the fourth one up
Hey, let's have five
Let's have six!
Let's have a dozen
and pretend they're donuts!
I'm really happy about the way
things are turning out, aren't you?
You know, with the
frame of mind you're in,r
not only am I not sure
we should have another baby,y
I'm not sure we should
keep the three we've got
Well, I'm ready
to discuss it
However, I can't right now
because I gotta go
to the goddamn Little Leaguer
Ten little boys
are waiting for me
to guide them
into last place
You really have to go?f
My whole life is "have to"r
Come on, Kevin,
get your glovem
You said I didn't
have to play anymore
I know what I said, but
now I'm changing my minde
If I have to go, you have to go Move it!
Kevin,
this one's for you
Get behind the ball
It's easier to come in
Hi, Dad What are you
doing here?
Karen said
you were hereo
Can I speak to you
a second?g
Yeah
Hey, Wayne, can you take over a second?
What's up?
I need your advice
Wait a second My head
is spinning Come on
Look,,
Larry needs $26,000 or
gamblers are gonna kill him
Jesus!
I'm supposed to decide
whether to give it to him
And you want my advice?
Why me? Why now?
Because I know you think
I was a shitty father
Thank you
for not arguingh
And I know you're a
good father, so, tell me,
what would you do?
You got
that kind of money?n
I got it,h
but it's gonna hurtl
I wanted to retire next year
This'll put that off for a while,
a long whileu
I never
should've had four
You know, when you were
two years old,
we thought
you had polioe
You know about that?w
Yeah, Mom once said
something Yeah, well,
for a week,
we didn't knowl
I hated you for thatn
What?
I didt
I did I hated
having to go through that
The caring, the worrying,
the pain,y
that's not for mep
You know, it's not
like that all ends
when you're 18
or 21 or 41 or 61t
It never, never ends
It's like
your Aunt Edna's asst
It goes on forever,
and it's just as frightening
It's true
There is no
end zoneh
You never cross the goal line, spike
the ball and do your touchdown dance
Never
I'm 64,
Larry, 27,r
and he's still my son,
like Kevin is your sonr
Do you think
I want him to get hurt?e
He's my sone
Come onu
Oh, I'm all right
I'll figure it outs
Heyt
Who's to say
who's a shitty father?
Kevin's in therapy
We got called to school last year
because Taylor was kissing all the boys
Justin keeps ramming things
with his head
My career is
in the shithouse
You worry too muchr
You always dido
Okay, let's go
Let's get themn
Let's get this one
Come on, you can do it!
We only need one more out! Can't
you even field a ground ball?
Matt, I'm not gonna warn you again One
more comment, and you're out of there
I don't care what happens What
are you yelling at him for?
He's the only player
you've gott
Hey, Matt, we need
one more out, son
Wherever it's hit,
you go for it!
It's the only chance
you have to win!
All right, come on, now,
don't blow it!
All right, no big deal
No big deal
One more out Come on,
just relax Play ball!
Relax and concentrate
Let's go!s
One more Let's gos
Oh, shit!u
Get it, Matt! He's out of there!g
I'm gonna
help youH
Oh, Dadr
Now, we see
these gangsters
We agree to pay them
$1,000 a monthi
They're businessmen They'll see
that something is better than nothings
Then, Monday morning,
8:00 am,u
you come to work with me
at my placeo
I'm going to teach you
the business
Plumbing suppliesu
And in a few years, I'll
retire, and you'll take over
Meanwhile, as long
as you're working,t
and if you agree to go
to Gamblers Anonymous,
I'll keep paying
your debts
That's itu
Okayc
Okay
Let me just add a wrinkle
About an hour ago, I got a phone
call from an associate in Chile
Big opportunity
Platinums
Now, why don't I just
toddle off down therea
for a couple of months,
see if it pans out?
If it does, great
If not,g
we put the Frank-Buckman
plan into effecth
Sound good?
Sureg
Greate
Oh, I could use
a littler
2,000 enough?i
Ample Amplet
Well, better packo
What about Cool?
Huh?
Oh, Jesus,
that's a tough one
This is not really
the kind of trip that
Listen,
how about ifv
Don't worry about itn
My dad's going away?h
Yes
He's leaving right away?
YesW
Is he ever coming back?w
Noa
Would you like
to stay here with us?
Yeah?
Goodc
Good morning, Mrs Huffner Hi, Michelleb
Susan, I need
to talk to youg
Not now, Nathan,
I have a class
I want you to come home
This is very bad for Patty
She can't
concentrate
I gotta goi
No, wait
No, let me go'
Listen to me
It's bad for me, too
I love you, Susane
Those are words
They don't solve anything
I can compromise
I can change
Nathan, I don't think
you're capable of changeu
Okay, come on, we're way behind
because of yesterday's bomb threat,
so let's get going
Why do birds suddenly appear
Every time you are near?l
Just like me
They long to be
Close to youo
Nathan, please,
I'll lose my job
Why do stars
twinkle in the skya
Every time you walk by?
Just like me
They long to beu
Close to you
Nathan, we're trying so hard
to keep these kids off drugs
On the day that you were born
The angels got together
And decided to create
a dream come true
This was the song
from our wedding
So they sprinkled
moon dust in your hair
And golden sunlight
in your eyes so blue
It's a wedding kind of a song
That is why all the
guys in town Guys in town
Follow you
Follow youh
All around
All around
Just like me
They long to be
Close to youn
Close to youu
Nathan, you're crazya
Close to youp
Susan, I love you
Please come home
We have
a great start The Plymouth missile, Rick
Carsmith, right in the far lane
Five-fourteen, left cart
How's it look? Let's
hear it for Popper Jay
Looking hotr
Looking damn hot!v
Mom? Mom, hurry! He's over
there He's gonna kill himself
Julie, I'm not
his mothera
Please, Mommy
Please, I'm so scared
Now, I'm "Mommy"
He's trying to prove
something I don't know
Competing in the first round of
the competition, the Eliminator,
and on the grandstand lane,
we have Theresa Vega
The last few feet of the course
is going to be very crowded
Oh, God,
he's already going
In eight seconds, he's
going to be a legend
And challenging her on the
power lane, newcomer Tod Higgins
Great start!
Vega with the home shot
Higgins pulls ahead!
He hit the guardrail!
He's out of control!
Oh, my God!
Come on!,
Tod? Tod?n
Tod?m
Bring it around to the
back of the track! Come on
One, two, three!
Let's get him out of here!
Back up Back up Give him some
room Give him some room Back up
Easy Easy Easy Did I win?t
Oh, my Godi
You okay?
I'm all right
Well, we'll get you to first
aid to make sure, all right?e
My brother's car
I killed the car
We'll take care of it
Julie, come on, let's goh
Just get in
I can't
What? I can't This
is too intense This is
This is marriage!e
Now, let's get
in the truck!
Come on,
let's goe
Can you do that again next
week? The crowd loved itm
Yeah, sure,c
that's a good job for me,
crash dummyl
Stop that! You're very
important Yeah, why?o
Why? Because you're gonna be the
father of my grandchild That's why
I love you,
I love you, too
I was so scaredy
You, like,
saved their marriagea
That was really cooll
Yeah, well,
I give them six months,
four if she cooksn
You don't think
they're gonna make it?
Well, you know, honey,
the odds aren't good
Then why did you
say all that?
Why did you try
to keep them together?k
Well, because
Julie wants Tod
Whatever you guys want,
I want to get for you
That's the best
I can doo
I'm glad you're going out with Mr Bowmana
Yeah, why?
Well, he's funny,m
and he's the kind of guy
that'd be nice to youa
Somebody should be
nice to your
I tell you, kid, I could stand that Yeah
Can we tape
over Susan's wedding?r
No What are we supposed to tape over?
Mom, my ears are loose
Oh, give me I'll fix them Oh,
your pants are on backwards
Go upstairs and turn them around,
and tell Grandma we're leaving
She's still playing
Nintendo
Do you know your lines? Daddy,
I don't have any lines I'm Dopey
I'll say Hey!m
Kevin? Kevin, take Justin outside,
and put him in his car seat
I have to do everything
Come on, shrimp
Heyy
And I'm the one
in therapy
I'm not a shrimp
I love youu
I love you, too
No, I mean
I really love youy
I love you, toop
Dave called He was crying
He actually criedu
He said if I'd come back,
they'd give me a corner office
with new furniture
and a raise,
like that's supposed
to make up for everything
Anyway, I took the job
I couldn't thinks
I was still high
from the Little League game
Isn't that demented,s
that a grown man's
happiness depends
on whether a nine-year-old
catches a pop-up?
I mean, what if he missed? But he didn't
But he could have
But he didn'tr
But he could have
But he didn't, Gil!o
You threw him 12 million
pop-ups in the backyard
You cut the odds
considerablyv
If he hadn'ty
But there's three of them,
and you wanna have four,
and the fourth one
could be Larry,
and they're gonna do
a lot of things
I mean, baseball's
the least of it
And in all those things,
sometimes they're going to miss
Sometimes they won't
Sometimes they will
Sometimes they won't
Sometimes they will
What do you want me
to give you, guarantees?
These are kids, not
appliances Life is messy
I hate messy
It's so messyi
You know, when I was 19, Grandpa
took me on a roller coaster
Oh?e
Up, down, up, down
Oh, what a ridel
What a great story
I always wanted
to go againe
You know, it was just interesting to me
that a ride could make me so frightened,
so scared, so sick,
so excitede
and so thrilled,
all togethero
Some didn't like ita
They went
on the merry-go-round
That just goes
around Nothing
I like the roller coaster
You get more out of it
Well, I'll be seeing you
in the car
She's a very smart lady
Come on, Taylor,
your ears are readyN
Yeah, a minute ago, I was
really confused about life,
and then Grandma came inm
with her wonderful and
affecting roller-coaster story,
and now everything's
great againe
I happen to like
the roller coaster, okay?r
As far as I'm concerned,
your grandmother's brilliant
Come on, Taylor
Come on, hurry upo
Yeah, if she's so brilliant, how come
she's sitting in our neighbor's car?
It's good to be home
It sure isr
Somebody stole our dishese
"They're not stolen
They're put away"n
They're not stolenu
"They're not stolen
They're put away"
They're not stolen
They're put awayo
What was that?
It came from the bedroomn
It sounds like a monster
Someone should see what it is
Not me!
Not me!
Let Dopey do it
Let Dopey do itk
Yeah!
No!,
Come on, Dopey!
Yeah!r
Come on, Dopey!
Come on, Dopey!d
They're hurting my sister!
Hey, look, he's going
Get him! Get him!
Get him!
Hang on, Taylorg
Justin! Justin!
Taylor, I'm gonna save you!
Get away from my sister!
Hey, stop!
Justin!o
No
No, Justin
Justin, no! Justin!
Oh, Justino
Come back here
Come back here
Please come back here,
little one
He's ruining the play!
He's ruining the whole play!
I think that's
the Buckmans' kid
That's great!
You're doing greatD
One more push, and the baby
will be here Bear down
Bear down
Push
We're almost there,
Mom Come on, push Push
That's it Great
You're doing great
Push Push Come on,
you're doing fine
Push! Push!
Good
Okay, here we go now
Push I can see the head
Here comes the baby Good
Here you go
Here it is It's a girl!
Good Congratulations, Mom
She's beautiful
You better get out
in the lobby, Dad
I think you've got about
100 relatives out there
Dr Ciccolini, Dr Anthony
Ciccolini, please call three-six
Well?
It's a girl
Helen's fine
Yay, Mom!
Thank goodness!
That's great!
Congratulations!