Party Boat (2017) Movie Script
(dance music playing)
-(people cheering)
-(crowd chanting): Party Boat! Party Boat!
-Man: Attention, Lake Everett Seniors!
Let's get wild! Let's get weird! But let's not get pregnant!
-(cheering)
-(crowd chanting): Party Boat! Party Boat!
-Come on! Ha ha!
-Hey, you! -Oh, man.
-Promise me no one dies tonight!
-Listen. We are five years in, my man.
-Nobody's died yet. -That we know of.
-If no one dies on my last night,
I'm gonna be real disappointed.
-You've been threatening to quit
for three seasons now, Kiley.
I don't think it's gonna happen.
-Hey. Did you guys go to our school?
-No! -Yes!
-Best friends since fifth grade.
-Fourth! Fourth.
-We are living proof
that with a little bit of hustle and some luck--
-And a predatory loan.
-All your dreams can come true!
-That is the best dream ever!
-It is. Aim high! -Whoo!
-That's what we do, Sean! We make dreams come true! Unh.
-(hip hop music playing)
-(cheering)
-Oh, yeah!
-Whoo!
-(music continues)
-Three, two, one! Go!
-(cheering)
-That was pretty cool. -That was awesome.
-(indistinct shouting)
-(laughing)
-Kiley: Hey, guys! Look alive!
-(music continues)
-Sean: Get in there. -Man: What the hell?
-What, do you guys live here?
-Oh, yeah. Pretty cool, huh?
-Sad-cool, maybe?
-Shut up! Do you know how much trouble we would get into
if lake patrol boarded us and found this stash?
-It's a lot.
What kind of drugs are those anyway?
-Combination Locks.
-Both: What the hell is that?
-It's Adderall mixed with molly mixed with acid.
It's like a combo meal, extra fries.
Kinda makes your brain just...lock.
-Max: Hmm. -Then you're flying high!
-Oh, you're flying high, huh?
-Too bad we're gonna have to confiscate them. Give me that!
-What? -Sean: That's right.
-You heard me right! -Max: Get out.
-No! -Back to the party, man.
-Smoke some weed or something.
-Those are the breaks! -Damn!
-We definitely have to take some of these.
-We are definitely throwing those in the lake.
-Sean. -Max.
-Sean. -Max.
-Sean. -Max!
-Fine.
-(music continues outside)
-Can't waste these.
Who needs aspirin?
-(pills rattle)
-(music continues) -(people cheering)
-You really want to leave all this behind?
-Can't be afraid to move on, Max.
-But nothing's gonna change, right?
It'll be you and me, like always.
-Always! -First mates forever!
-Max: Well, well, well. Who is this stranger?
Ah. It's my birthday bestie!
What's up?
-Maximus!
-You ready to party tonight? -Absolutely!
-Hey, let me see that rage face!
-(chuckles) -(Kiley laughs)
-All right, ditch your fuzzies. Let's go.
-Yeah, but I gotta clean the boat, so...
-You never clean the boat.
-I'll be right down!
-Kiley: Uh, did Greg get you the final guest list?
-Sean: He did. And the wine list.
And the appetizer list. And the playlist.
-Yeah. -Hey, Kev, how we lookin'?
-Clear skies. Calm waters.
-Awesome. -Max: Can't lose.
-Anyway. Um. Sorry. Dr. Greg loves his lists.
-"Dr. Greg." Don't you mean "Orthodontist Greg"?
Hey, by the way,
have you ever told him that you actually worked on this boat?
I mean, he is your boyfriend.
-Uh-- Yes. Yes. Obviously. -Hmm.
-He doesn't know all the stories. -Oh!
-Because he would run scared
if he knew all the shit I got up to with you guys.
-Well, then let's call him-- -No, absolutely not!
-Seriously! Sailor's code, dude! -(chuckles)
-All right, let's go.
-Cool, yeah, no, I'll just... clean up everything, as always.
-Thanks, dude!
-(sighs)
-Man: Tonight, Sean.
I'll have you in handcuffs.
Not "soon."
Tonight, Sean,
and your little dog too are going down.
You know, Sean-- -(knocking on door)
-What?
What? For the love of God!
Every time!
-Hey, buddy! -How's it going, Walsh?
-It's all right. -My god.
This is janky. You wanted to see me?
-I did. Lock that door, would you?
There's two locks. Lock both. One's a bolt.
The other one's in the door handle right there itself.
Just-- we wanna be snug as a bug...in two rugs.
How long you been on the force, Hicks?
-You mean lake patrol?
Three days.
-You know, most partners only last one week with me.
-What happens to them? -They tap out.
Choke's a choke. HR gets involved.
It's, it's better to just cut 'em loose than go to trial.
What brought you, uh, to LALP?
You love the lake? Search for justice?
-Craigslist.
-Craig's a good guy. Tell him I said hi, okay?
-It's a website.
Do you live here?
-No. Live here? No.
I got a big house. No.
-There's a bed. There's, like, drool stains on the pillow.
-'Cause I was sound asleep.
You take a lot of all-nighters that you gotta pull here.
A lot of surveillance work. You could take a nap if you want.
You're probably tired, out in the sun all day.
I'll lay with you if you're frightened.
-I'm good. -Okay.
-Why is your pans all crusty? You cook here?
-Yes, I cook. I cook quesadillas.
I cook mean quesadillas.
You can have a quesadilla. I'll cook one for ya.
I'll clean the pot first. And the pan.
And then you probably can sleep here.
You can lay down and take a nap. I'll lay with you
-in case you get frightened. -I'm good.
-Is that piss?
-You can go if you want. It's all right.
It's just two dudes. It's all right.
It's totally normal.
-What's-what's that bucket for? -That's composting.
-You don't wanna go near that-- -Ugh!
-That's shit!
-You take the feces of other animals
for the benefit of a garden.
You know what? Yes! I live here. Okay?
And I'm proud of it. You know why I live here?
'Cause of that white boat. And these two assholes--
Well, he's an asshole. He's kinda handsome in a cool--
They think they run the lake. But they don't run that lake.
Hicks, I run that lake.
But you wanna know what this is right here?
This is my golden ticket for that white boat.
This is the Lake Council telling me
I have full authority to bring those assholes
and burn 'em to the ground, tonight!
So if you're in, if you're down with the job,
cop a squat, take a leak,
drain the train, have a quesadilla,
take a nap, I'll lay with you if you want,
because tonight, we roll.
Let's go buzz their tower!
-Okay.
-Max: Hey, wait, wait!
Slow down, white lightening!
Wait, Kiles, hold on!
(panting)
-Hold on. -Sad, Max.
-Yeah, I know.
Oh!
Oh, please, come on.
It's not like Dr. Supercuts can keep up with you either?
-Greg ran track at Trinity.
-Of course he did.
-Dude...
I really need you guys to be friends if this is gonna work.
-I need to be friends with that guy
like you need to adopt more puppies.
-Don't talk smack about my pups.
I'm ride or die for those bitches.
-You really serious about this whole thing?
-I don't know. Sometimes it feels like I'm faking it.
Running a shelter.
I guess I wish I could be back on the boat
mixing drinks with you guys.
-Well...I know a guy who can make that happen.
-(laughing)
-But I was actually talking about you and Greg.
-He is the sweetest, most supportive guy I've ever met.
I think I found someone really special.
-Ah.
-Can you just try to be nice?
Please? At least for tonight?
-Yeah.
Fine.
But...only because...
-Oh, my god. Oh, my god. You're so gross.
-...I love you so much.
-Gross. Gross. Gross. Gross. Gross.
-Oh, God, get off. -Let's go.
God, you sweat like Trump's ball sack.
-Well, yeah.
-All right. One more mile.
-Okay. -Try to keep up.
You're getting slow in your old age.
-You got this tonight, Sean. This is a big party.
This is one of our biggest. What do we got?
Smooth jazz, check.
Pinot Grigio, check.
-Walsh: Officers boarding vessel. -Mm-hmm.
What do you want, Walsh?
-French vanilla? Creamer? You're a pussy.
Where's your partner?
-Sean: He's running errands.
-Oh, really?
Ooh! Looks like you guys are in line
for another shitshow tonight.
-That's nice. -Actually, sorry to disappoint.
Tonight's a classy party,
hosted by a locally respected doctor.
-Oh, he's an orthodontist, actually.
-I don't care if it's Sean's mom's vagina doctor.
Doesn't matter.
I've been waiting for this moment for ten years.
-This is my moment! -What moment?
-What moment? I just got word from the Lake Council
you guys haven't paid any of your fines.
You guys are in the hole, uh--
what's the number up to now, Hicks?
-I think like eighteen grand, sir.
Eighteen thousand dollars.
-First of all...don't talk about my mom.
-Or Dr. Nancy. -Second,
we're gonna have the money.
-Why do you know the name of his mom's gynecologist?
You don't think that's odd?
How are you gonna get the money
if I ding you with citations tonight.
If you guys screw up, and you will screw up.
-Mayday, mayday, mayday. -Not gonna happen.
-Mayday! -It's not gonna happen!
-Mayday. -Becky: Hey, guys,
where should I put these fireworks?
It says it's "illegal in the contiguous United States." Huh.
Thank God we're on a lake.
-Also, I opened up the tramp... -Max: Hey. Hey. Hey.
...for... (clears throat)
-Why don't you go upstairs for a second.
I think I saw a, uh, Teletubby.
-Becky: Yeah, yeah, totally.
-This is going to be so easy.
Come on, Hicks, let's go.
Come on. Hicks!
-I freaking hate that guy.
-Seanie, why have we not been paying our bills, man?
-Uh, it's the fines, Max.
The fines that your party tricks keep sticking us with.
-Me? -Yeah.
Bobbing for lobsters. We got a fine for it.
What about the Mermaid Olympics? Remember that? Human catapult?
-That was awesome. -No, that was awesome.
That was-- that was pretty cool.
Look, man, we got into this business together
as equal partners, man,
and I'm doing everything I can to keep us afloat
but the fines are crushing us.
Kiley's party is the payday we need.
So for one night, I need you to help me, okay?
We have to keep things low-key
and we have to keep Walsh off this boat.
-All right. Fine. I got you.
Hey, first mates forever. Two times.
-Two times. Mm. First mates forever.
All right, cool. Checklist: Gas?
-Yeah. Absolutely.
Man, you run out of gas one time--
-It was three-- -Three times.
-That's right. Uh, did you fix the door on the lower deck?
-Come on, man. This is Kiley we're talking about.
You don't think I want tonight to be perfect?
I think that I'm like this close to getting her back on the crew.
-It's been two years. She's rescuing puppies now.
Listen, I'm gonna say this to you as your best friend, okay?
You gotta let her go.
Hey!
Pick up a bag!
-(grunting and screaming)
-We have to be prepared
for anything when we're out there, Hicks.
Tonight... (exhales forcefully)
Look at this horse stance. Look at this!
Anything at all, buddy. That's why we train.
(screaming)
-That's right, buddy. Come on, let's train.
-Nah. Calm down.
We're just lake patrol. You know that.
-Just lake patrol?
Is that what you're gonna say when you're--
when you're out in the shit, tonight?
"I'm lake patrol." You gonna take a selfie?
Put it in your wifi cloud? Is that what you're gonna do?
-No. -(Walsh screaming)
-I'll probably just tweet it. -Suit yourself,
lazy. What?
No, I'm talkin' to Hicks there, Sean.
What? (screaming)
What was that, Sean? (screams)
What was that? Hey, Max? Wanna eat a dick?
Whoa!
(laughing) Hey, Sean!
He's tall. Sean's taller.
Upwards. To the Adam's apple.
He falls towards you? Little shoe shine on the way down.
(screaming)
Hey, Sean. (screaming)
Ooh! Ooh! Elbows. Right there.
Six stitches above the eye.
You ever see guys with really cool stitches?
It's either hockey or they caught one of my elbows.
Right there. (screaming)
Why won't you just train with me?
-(Hicks sighs) Honestly, I mean,
I feel like you're gonna lose your shit
and accidentally hurt me, so.
-Well, who knows? Right?
I don't accidentally lose my temper.
Pain is a valuable, valuable lesson.
Maybe you could use a lesson or two.
-Hicks: I'll get on the boat,
I'll write some tickets...
but I don't wanna do that.
-This is good footwork. That's mat work, man.
Mat work's good for ya.
Just train. That's the problem
with your entire generation, buddy.
Got your faces in your phones.
Palm strike. Palm strike.
Box cutter!
You're not gonna learn anything on the internet.
That was--
Where the hell did you learn that?
-The internet.
-(screaming)
You don't even know what that's called, do ya?
-Yelling? -Can you stretch?
Let's see you stretch.
Why don't ya go sit down before you get hurt?
-You didn't stretch! -A'ight.
-(screaming)
-Jonathan: Hoo!
The ancients believed that every object had a soul.
Meet your maker!
(yelling)
-Oh, that is sweet.
-What'd I tell you about playing with knives?
-That they're awesome? -Didn't say that. Put it away.
-Oh! But I am a fruit ninja!
-(yelling)
-You are a lawsuit waiting to happen.
-You better look alive tonight,
because Kiley's gonna be on the boat,
and you are already on the verge of being replaced, my friend.
-Huh? What's that?
-Greg: Ahoy, mateys!
-Oh, great, the human mouth guard has arrived.
-Keep up the good work, man. -I shall. Always do.
-Greg: Hey!
There they are. The party boys.
-Lookin' sharp, Greg. I like that!
-Thank you, good man. You know, I went with the full seersuck
-since we're on a boat. -Yeah.
- I'm on a boat -No. No, no, no. Never.
Never that song. Never on our boat.
-(chuckles) -Greg: Hey, buddy.
So we feel good? Special night, right?
-Yeah. -Yup, it is.
But why are you here an hour early, Greg?
-Dr. Greg is always early for his appointments.
-(laughing)
I just wanted to make sure all our ducks are in a row.
-Our ducks are in a row. Aren't they, Sean?
-They are, Max. -As a matter of fact, Greg--
-We have bow ties on all the crew.
We have smooth jazz on all the speakers
and wine in every glass.
Trust me, Greg, we're all over it.
-Bow ties? -Uh-huh.
-Jazz? -Yeah.
-I thought Kiley wanted to have her birthday on our boat
because she likes the way that we do things,
-Sean. -Kiley?
Booking the boat was my idea.
You know, for nostalgia.
I just wanted to remind her where she came from
before showing her where we're going.
-That's amazing. Isn't that amazing?
-What does that mean?
-Between us...
I'm gonna ask her to marry me tonight.
-Greg: Whoo! -(Sean chuckles)
-You know, it feels so good being able to say that out loud.
-Sean: Wow! Our first proposal.
-Big time.
Now, I'm gonna need you to help me out
and take extra care of my Eomma.
-Jesus, Greg. You look like an asshole in that suit.
-Welcome aboard, Miss Kim.
Uh, hope you brought your dancing shoes.
-The Kims don't dance.
(sighs) Now, where's the bar?
-It's gonna be great.
-I like your mom, Greg.
-Hey. Are you serious with this?
-I am. And, uh, can you hit that top button?
-No! -Yeah. Please.
How you guys doing?
-Oh, hey, welcome!
-So I'm thinking, if we wanna avoid Walsh,
our best bet is to hug the shore,
anchor down in the cove.
Yeah, we should be in good shape.
-You hearing me, Max? -Were you saying something?
Oh, hey! There she is.
Ready to get behind that bar, birthday girl? Two times!
Unh!
-You guys remember my sister, Lauren.
-Yeah, sorry about the divorce. Tough break.
-Hmm. Screw off, Max.
This boat better not sink.
-That's for sure.
'Cause I'm paying for the return trip too.
Come on, ladies, all aboard!
-Get in there!
-Kiley: Babe, that suit looks great.
-Hey, Max?
-Hmm?
No!
-(softly): Yes. -No, no--
-(engine starts)
-(horn blaring)
-All right. You ready? You ready to do this?
-Yeah. I'm good. -No, you're not good.
Yeah, you've got a citation book, but you're forgetting
the number one danger out there on that lake, man.
What's the matter with you? The sun!
You got-- the sun, 'cause the lake reflects all the light up.
-So what's this? -Uh...
-weird pocket dildo? -I wish!
-I don't know. -Sunscreen, buddy.
You gotta get lubed up. I can't have you burned.
Your tattoos will look like crumbled fresco.
It'll look like some kinda weird Jackson Pollock, you know? Here.
-So much! -Look up. Look up.
-There you go. Now be still... -Oh, God.
-be still, don't talk. -What are you doing?
-Lubin' up.
Ooh. You-- Yeah. A lot of push-ups, I like that.
Why are you touching my nipple like that?
-I don't know, I didn't expect it to be that long.
-Sorry. Here. -Ah! God!
-What the hell? -You gotta keep your eyes closed!
You're all right. You want a nice tan line.
-You got it in my eyes.
-Here and I'll rub that in too. It's okay. It's okay.
-Oh! -It's okay.
-I think I can't see anymore.
-Let's go get those assholes.
-Okay, let's go.
-(soft jazz music playing) -(indistinct chattering)
-Look at her, man.
That is her "I'm bored as hell
but I'm trying to be polite" face.
Ugh, it's pathetic.
-You know, Max, it's a great thing
you and Kiley are just friends
and you're totally not in love with her.
Otherwise, this news of her impending engagement
would be one hell of a punch to the nuts, huh?
-I'm not "totally" in love with her.
-I guess the great part about being just her friend
and, as you specifically noted, nothing more,
is that you'll get to help her choose out a wedding dress.
And when she's stressed out about the props
in the photo booth and her batshit mother-in-law,
you'll get to be her totally platonic,
non-sexual shoulder to lean on.
And once she's married, you'll get to be her confidant.
When she's worried that
Greg is no longer interested in her sexually--
Enough!
-We've just never been single at the same time,
and I didn't want to mess up our friendship.
Besides, I've been waiting for the perfect moment.
-You've been waiting since fourth grade, man!
-Yeah, well, there's a lot of elements that go into
the perfect moment, Jonathan.
Trust me,
I'm the party guy.
I know a thing or two about "moments."
-Okay, well, how about you make one!
Okay? Before Mr. Doctor Man wifes her up?
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-You know what? You're right.
But I will need your help.
Sean putting us into the cove so you--
-Oh, no can do, buddy.
Not to be selfish, but tonight is all about me,
whoever the hell that is, and the rest of our lives together.
-Don't even bother. Lauren will swallow you whole.
-That's the plan.
Hey, my name is Jonathan,
and I'm here to help you find your smile on this voyage.
-Shove that smile up your dick.
My husband screwed his life coach
and left me with two kids and no child support,
so pour me a goddamned whiskey.
-Max: Charming as ever, Lauren!
One sadness on rocks!
-The bottle, Max. -Max: Okay.
-Twenty bucks says I take her to the township of pound.
Yeah.
But if I don't, I get to keep the money.
-That's not how betting works. -(slaps butt)
-Oh! -I know it.
-(groans)
-(soft jazz music playing)
-Lauren?
Hey. You know we're not actually gonna sink, right?
-No, we're sinking.
We just won't know it until it's too late.
-Come on, it's not that bad.
-Listen to me, Kiley. You graduate college,
and everything's great.
You meet a guy.
And he's gorgeous and boring and predictable
and incredibly safe.
And no one ever went wrong with a nice guy, right?
That's wrong.
Trust me, I know you love Greg,
but don't rush into anything.
-Are you ready for this?
Are you ready?
This one is special. I can tell.
Did you see the-the anger in her eyes?
The hatred in her voice?
That's so hot!
She's the one, Little J.
She's the one.
We can't screw this up.
Okay, no false starts. No second act slumps.
We need to be on top of our game!
Now, I'm not gonna lie...
I'm nervous.
But you can't be, okay?
I need you to rise like the sun in the east.
Looking sharp, Little J.
Looking sharp.
(softly): Yeah. (clicks tongue)
-(jazz music continues)
-Table one, thank you.
So far so good, huh?
-Yeah, if you like funerals at sea.
-Max, don't sta--
-Hey, what do you guys think?
Proposal at sunset or under the stars?
-Sean: Sunset. -Max: Stars.
-All right. I trust you, Max.
Stars it is.
Sean, on my cue, you play that song,
and I'll take care of the rest, okay?
-Yes.
-I'm excited. -Yeah!
-I'm nervous. Should I be nervous?
-Of course-- -Yeah, have you thought this through?
-Did I think this through?
I've been rehearsing this for weeks.
-Look, look. Do-Don't worry about a thing. Okay?
Everything is set. You're gonna do great.
-Yeah, yeah. -Yeah! Come on, man!
-(Sean chuckles) -Whoo!
-That's an all right dude.
-That guy's keeping TJ Maxx in business.
-No, don't do that, okay? We need to get paid, Max.
And that only happens if Greg walks away happy.
-And that doesn't happen if she's having a shitty time.
Look at her, man. She's bored out of her mind!
Come on.
Dr. Greg can do his thing later, okay?
Right now, what we need...
-is to flip this party. -No.
No, no. What about lake patrol?
-You had the captain put us in the cove.
You don't think we can handle Chuckie Walsh?
Come on. Sean?
-All right, fine. Just promise me nobody dies tonight.
-We've been doin' this for seven years.
We haven't lost anybody yet!
-(sighs) I'm serious, Max.
Shoot.
-Hicks: Still nothing.
-Walsh: Still nothing? They just pulled into the cove.
That's gonna be the crime scene.
You just gotta be patient, Hicks!
-Why are you always on their case, man?
-Because they're the reason I'm standing here on a dinghy
with a dinghy that looks like Sammy Hagar's son
instead of out there throwing detective cock all over town.
-Ugh!
-2007, that's when it all changed, my man.
2007-- I don't want these.
I used to break up their high school parties.
That was me. I was the big bad wolf.
"Here comes Officer Walsh,
everybody put your cups down and run!"
You should have seen the looks on their dumb faces
when I came through the woods with my big spotlight.
Then I had to stop, I didn't feel like doin' that job anymore
and it was a misunderstanding. It's, uh, it's stupid.
-Wait, I remember that night. -No. That's impossible.
-You're the guy with the big spotlight.
-First of all, let's keep our voices down.
Because water, sound travels differently
than it does, not water.
Sean told me a young man needed counseling.
So I pulled him aside to counsel him, okay?
-Okay, but why was your pants down?
-We were in a restroom.
Makes perfect sense.
Makes perfect sense to me. And a judge. A state judge.
Give me these. You know what?
Watch this.
Look what I'm doing with my eyes. Watch this.
You see that? You're not even looking at me.
Look what I'm doing with my eyes. Can you do this?
I can see just as far as those are.
-(tapping on mic) -(electronic feedback)
-Hello, attention everyone, up here.
Hello, hi.
My name is Max.
I'm co-owner of this ship,
but I also happen to be an old friend of Kiley's.
Now, as some of you know,
Kiley was a founding staff member of the S.S. Party Boat.
And that first summer, our original idea was
to just park her at the dock,
use her as a floating bar.
But it was Kiley
who stood up and told us,
something that has moved this business forward ever since.
She said, "A ship is safe in the harbor,
but that's not what ships were built for."
Quickly we found out that she got that
off of a mug at the marina giftshop.
-Wrap it up!
-But that is precisely why we love Kiley so much.
Because she knows that pursuing adventure
is much more rewarding than just sitting safely in some harbor.
And she also happens to be
the best damn bartender in all of Lake Everett.
So watch your back, Jonathan!
-(laughter)
-Max: So raise a glass.
(glasses clinking)
To Kiley.
-Guests: To Kiley.
-(splashes)
Now, there is one more thing
that Kiley Abigail Miller will not stand for.
And that is a boring party, okay?
It's time to go off the script a bit.
-Off script?
-So put down your cellphones, toss your inhibitions,
'cause it's time to boogie!
-(High Rollers by Photronique playing)
I'm a jet set player yeah I'm doing life right
Rooftop party man them flashing lights bright
Big shot talking girl I do it all night
Don't stop win it girl let's get it right
Party in the penthouse Trump Tower
Private jets any hour
Day or week
Dripping all them diamonds diamonds platinum
In my earrings so classy
Living like high rollers that one percent
Yeah we do it how we do it
And then we do it again
'Cause we're the high rollers don't forget
Yeah we in it just to win it there's no limits we bet
'Cause we're the hi-i-i-i-i high rollers
We're the hi-i-i-i-i high rollers
We're the hi-i-i-i-i high rollers
We're the hi-i-i-i-i high rollers
Call me Cool Hand Luke
'Cause man I really can't lose
Party with my people...
-Hicks: Man, they got some fine mamacitas up there!
-I knew it. I knew it. I hate them.
I'm so jealous of the fun that they have.
You know what you do when you're a real cop in a real town?
You arrest people, you put them in handcuffs.
Now look at me.
There's fish underneath us right now.
Fuckin' fish. I go to work with fish.
-(sighs)
-Hey, what do you bench anyway?
Are you a rep guy or a max guy?
-(music continues)
-Out of my way!
-Man: What the hell?
-Ken Doll-looking motherfucker.
Ma'am? Sorry, I just wanted to make sure
you didn't need anything.
It can get kind of unsteady out there.
-What I need is fresh air.
It's rather pungent upstairs.
Like sweat mixed with...failure.
Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to enjoy the view.
-(screams)
-Max! Eomma overboard!
Eomma is overboard!
-(both laughing)
-Oh, wow! -Oh!
When do we get to see your boyfriend's rage face?
Does he even have one?
-Greg's not much of a dancer.
-Well, I'm sure he has plenty of other fun,
youthful, carefree qualities.
-(laughs sarcastically)
-Save me, you mofos!
-Don't worry, I got you!
-Wait! No! Don't touch me!
-What?
-Black people can't swim!
-Oh! Oh, damn!
-(both laughing)
-We had fun though, didn't we?
-Always.
-Um--
-Is everything okay? Are you sick?
-Uh...
Kiley...ever since we were kids,
I've always wanted to tell you--
-Oh, my God, Max. Eomma's in the water.
-What? -Loo--
-Okay, okay, okay.
Just let me say what I was about to say--
-No, go! In the water!
Max, go! Give me the jacket! Just--
-Sean: Max! Max!
-Calm down. I'm trying to help!
-Hey! I was finally alone with Kiley.
It was the perfect moment!
What's the matter? You forget how to save old ladies?
-She's racist! -She's not racist.
She's Asian, man! Asians can't be racist.
She's just old. (screaming)
-Eomma: White devil!
-White devil? -White devil!
-She is racist.
-What the hell is going on down there?
-Um, Greg's Eomma fell overboard.
Max went in to save her,
but I don't know why there's so much splashing.
-Because she's drowning. Lucky bitch.
-Don't worry, ladies! I got this under control!
BRB.
-(Jonathan laughing)
-Is that guy slow or something?
-Uh, no. He just lives on Planet Jonathan.
It took me six weeks to train him.
-Oh! Not that asshole too!
-Help! I'm a very poor swimmer!
-What are you doing out here if you can't swim?
-I was trying to impress Kiley's sister!
-What?
-Help!
-I'll save her. You help this idiot.
-Max! Don't let me die! -Max: I got you.
Max! Don't let me die!
-I got you, just stop poking me with your keys.
-What keys?
-Kiley: Oh, my God!
-Nobody panic.
I'm a highly trained aquatic professional.
I am not gonna let you die!
I am not gonna let you die!
-Oh! -Oh!
-(groans and coughs)
-Oh, my God! He's got a boner!
-Dude, I was already hard when I started kissing her.
-Woman: Kissing her? -What the hell's going on down here?
Eomma, are you okay?
-Becky: Oh, my God! This shit is going viral!
-We're gonna need a bigger boat.
-You sure you're okay, Eomma?
-I'm fine. Stop fussing over me.
-(softly): Do you still have the ring?
-You gotta be careful with this. I don't trust the black guy.
Now, someone get me some aspirin.
My head is throbbing like that bartender's cock.
Hurry! Oh, jeez.
-Here you go.
Uh-- It's-- Okay.
You know what? Here. Take two.
-Eomma: Ooh.
-Dude, what were you thinking?
Full mast?
So soon?
We don't want to scare Lauren,
we wanna...woo her, all right?
Don't get me wrong...
it was impressive the way you handled that cold water.
You didn't back down for a second.
Look, I know how you can get, right?
You wanna-- you wanna rush in there,
you wanna save the day, we all do, be the hero.
I need you to be patient... and trust me. Okay?
That's all I need.
I need you to stand down, soldier.
(sighs)
That a boy. That...a...boy.
-Bro, you told me you fixed the railing!
-I did! Which railing were you talking about?
-Dude, this shit is awesome!
-You delete that video!
-Freedom of the press, dude!
-Yeah, don't censor her.
-I can't believe I trusted you.
A woman almost died.
And you're uploading the evidence to Instagram?
-Come on, Sean.
Chuckie Walsh has never even heard of Instagram.
-These guys are dumber than we thought.
-Yeah. Only three hashtags?
What losers.
-Total losers. What's a hashtag?
-It's-- -I'm talking about the old lady
almost dying.
-Oh.
Why don't we just go in?
-We can't go in, because the old lady has to be dead.
Unfortunately, she didn't die.
-Right.
You're kidding, right?
-Is that a home perm?
I want to get one, but I don't think I have enough hair.
-All right, that's it.
I'm getting this party back under control. Give it up.
-Give what up?
-Max. -Sean.
-Max.
-Sean.
-From now on, we're sticking to the script.
-(dance music playing)
-(soft jazz music playing)
-It's time to call in the big guns.
-Walsh: What are these guys gonna do next?
Look at this! Nobody's wearing a life-vest.
That's just safety!
-(screaming)
Who among ye be ready to die?
-'Cause as of this moment...
(cackles)
...we pirates be taking over this boat.
-And we be taking you to...Fun Town!
-Ha ha ha! Arrr! -Yes! There they are!
Hey, guys!
-(Kiley gasps)
Max! Water war?
-Water war!
-(laughs)
-Male pirate: Two teams there be:
Red the color of blood
and blue the color of the sea.
-Female pirate: The rules are simple.
Only head shots count.
-Male pirate: Three headshots, and ye be out!
-Female pirate: Where ye is shot, there ye shall fall.
-Male pirate: Last one standing be the winner!
-Female pirate: Are ye ready?
Are ye set!
-Both: Go!
-Ha ha!
Fly, Carmichael, fly!
-(screaming)
-You go right, and I go left.
-I feel like he's right in front of us.
-I know, I just wanted to feel cool.
You know, like an assassin.
-Aww, you're my little assassin.
-(women screaming)
-You guys are on the same team!
-(gunshot)
-(click)
-(gunshot)
-Why?
Why, Little J? Why was she immune
to all of our fire power?
Both barrels, both guns? (imitating gunfire)
The plot thickens, doesn't it?
Hmmm, Lauren and I are going to have beautiful babies.
So beautiful. Ooh! It kicked!
(chuckles)
-'Cause it's a soccer ball! Get it? It kicked it!
-Murder on the high seas
part of one of your lists, Greggy-boy?
-Oh! Save yourself!
Save yourself, baby!
(grunting)
I'll always...love you.
-No!
-Sorry, Max. But it's my party.
-Just, uh, wait-- Just one second.
Just-- You can, but just wait one second.
Jonathan, hit it!
Uh, Jonathan!
Can you hit it?
-On it! I'll hit it!
-(music playing) -(Kiley gasps)
-(both singing along) One, you're like a dream come true
Two, just wanna be with you
Three, girl, it's plain to see
That you're the only one for me
Four, repeat steps one through three
Five, make you fall in love with me
If ever I believe my work is done
Then I'll start back at one
Yeah yeah
So...
-Walsh: All right, where we at now?
-Uhh, we peaked at 73 decibels.
And the lake limit is 80.
-Dammit!
The silky, dulcet tones of Brian McKnight
are not getting us there.
-Hey, uh, you don't think you're going off the deep end
a little too much there, Chuck?
-I have not gone nearly deep enough.
-(music continues in distance)
-Jonathan: Max! Dude, yeah. Yeah.
-Yeah! Yeah. -What the hell was that?
How was I supposed to know that was their song?
-Oh, my goodness, that was amazing!
How'd you know that was Greg and I's karaoke song?
-I didn't! I-I thought it was our song!
You remember the eighth grade trip to D.C.
We wore that song out!
-Brian McKnight is Greg's spirit animal.
You're the best!
-You're welcome!
(sighs)
-Dude, that was genius!
-Oh, yeah? -See, I thought you were going rogue with the pirates
but a nostalgic watergun fight
moving seamlessly into a romantic dance moment?
That's next level shit!
-I like it. Keep it up. -Sure.
-There's no sign of lake patrol. You keep it up.
-Yeah, man, I meant to do it!
-Max! You were so right! That Kiley chick is so cool!
I mean, holy shit, her drinks are awesome.
She is the Nicki Minaj to your Nickelback.
-Nickelback is misunderstood!
-And I could mix circles around Kiley. -(scoffs)
-I don't know about circles.
In fact...
Ill bet you that you couldn't.
-(laughing)
That...was...awesome! That was great!
-(both laugh)
-That was great. -Hey. You.
It was you. All day. Mow-wow-wow.
-Female pirate: Okay, let's get outta here.
-You're not going anywhere, water scum.
Say bye-bye! (grunts)
-Lady! That's a rental! -That's our boat!
-You thought you could take me out, didn't you?
-You do know we're party pirates, right?
We had a bar mitzvah last night.
My Father was a Kuk Sool master.
Hand-to-hand combat. Up close and personal.
-(screams)
-Everything he learned, he passed on to me.
Now, back! Back off!
Get in there! Get in there!
Now!
Get in there!
Baby baby baby baby baby
-That's how I won the war.
That's right. Took this baby all the way
-to Vietnam. -(clears throat)
-What?
-(Jonathan singing)
-What?
-You wanna bang Jonathan.
-Supersoaker? I don't think so.
-Come on. That's why I brought you here.
-How long has it been? -It's...forever.
It's been forever.
-Yeah, exactly. (clicking tongue)
On my boat pourin' drinks for ladies...
-My ex-husband left me for methmouth.
-So what?
-So, clearly, having sex with me
is like riding a rusty Ferris wheel.
-So let him scrape off some rust and lube you up!
-Excuse me, princess. But I need to steal the guest of honor
to help me settle a bet. Okay?
-What the hell is he doin' now?
-Are you even-- -Hicks: I can't see. I don't have binoculars.
-(guests cheering)
-Ladies and gentlemen! Boys and girls!
It's time to settle this one once and for all.
Who is the best party boat bartender
on all of Lake Everett? Now here are the rules.
You'll be making three drinks...
in three different rounds.
The best two out of three drinks
will win the entire competition.
-Too easy.
-Total cakewalk. -Who's the judge?
-Drink number one: Your very best rum cocktail.
-Ooh!
-You only have one minute for each round.
Your time...
starts...
(whispering): now.
-(guests cheering)
-Max: All right, flexing is not part of the competition. Okay?
All right, there she goes.
Looks like she's going for something modern
and sophisticated.
Meanwhile, Jonathan is just smashing citrus fruits.
Whoa! Behind the back!
Nice move from Jonathan. He actually caught it.
Shake that shaker, girl!
Are you ready for Kiley or are you ready for Jonathan!
-Sean's taking all bets! -(guests chanting "Kiley")
-Who do you got? Who do you got?
Something's coming together,
looks like a fruity daiquiri of some kind.
All right, all right, here we go!
And time! Time! Time!
Stop. Stop. Back away, missy!
Back away.
Lauren?
-I call it "Girls, We Rum the World."
-(chuckles) -Woman: Yeah, ladies!
-(slurps)
-(guests applauding) -Lauren: Very nice.
-I call that the "Crooked Cock and Hairy Balls."
-(guests laughing)
-(Lauren clears throat)
-Max: Okay. Yeah. -Just--
Yeah. I'm just gonna call this one. Winner!
-Woman: Whoo! -What?
-Woman: Go, Kiley!
-All right, round numero dos.
Let's keep it easy.
-Shots. -Greg: You can do it, sweetie.
-Thanks, babe.
-Max: Ready?
Go.
Oh, God, Jonathan, what are you doing?
-Uh, could you pass me that gin?
-That's not a health code violation, ladies!
He's been tested!
That's a health code violation!
All right, looks like they're almost done.
Who likes shots? You like shots?
You like shots. You like shots. You like shots.
You get a shot. And you get a shot.
And you get a shot.
All right, Kiley's just finishing up.
Here comes-- It's getting right down to the wire.
Jonathan better hurry up.
Five, four, three... (chuckles)
two, one, time! Time. Time. Time.
-(buzzer sounds)
Whoo!
Shots.
-This is a "Dirty Harry."
Do you feel lucky? Bitch?
-Uh, it's definitely dirty.
-All right, well,
in honor of my Dr. Greg,
who's thrown such a wonderful party,
please enjoy some "Novocaine."
What?
Impossible.
Mmm. Oh, God, gross.
Greg, I told you to give me gin, not vodka.
-I-I'm sorry.
-Never trust an orthodontist!
Jonathan takes round two.
And now, for the final and most important round.
Bartender's choice.
You have one minute...
to prepare...
any drink you want.
And the clock...starts now.
-(guests cheering)
-Max: It all comes down to this, party people!
The master versus the moron!
Will Kiley keep her title?
Will Jonathan remember to keep his shorts on?
It's anybody's game!
Oh, oh, he's walking away! He's walking away!
Oh! He's comin back! Here he comes!
Oh, he's got nothing on her!
Three, two, one!
Hands up. Drinks down.
All right.
-Kiley: This, I call a "Quarter-Life Crisis."
Something we all know a thing or two about.
-Oh, shit. That's good, girl.
-Uh-huh, whatever.
Who needs good when you have...
the "Dwayne Johnson."
Strong as hell, but everybody thinks it's over-rated.
But they're wrong.
-Max: Survey says...
-Jonathan: Oh, yes, there you went!
Ba-ba-ba-ba. Ba-ba-ba-ba.
-That means that the winner and still
reigning champion of the Lake Everett
party boat bartender extravaganza is...
The Kileynator! Yeah!
-Jonathan: Are you kidding me? Max!
-Yes! Yes! -Max: Whoo!
-Woman: Whoo! -Wow!
-Dude, that was so much fun. -Mm.
So...what do I win?
-Oh. Well, I do have one more surprise for you.
-Follow me. -Of course you do.
I'll be right back, babe.
-Let's go.
That was amazing. Whoo!
-That was good.
She's still got it. (chuckles)
-I think I need to move this proposal up.
-Sure thing. When? -To now.
-Okay, uh, I just need to cue up a few-- -No, no, no, sorry.
Let me put this another way.
If you don't get Max under control
and you don't pull this proposal off without a hitch,
I'm not paying for any of this. You understand?
-Yeah.
-This way, right this way. -What are--
-My birthday surprise is a trip to the storage room?
-Not exactly, I gotta find it. Just, uh--
-Oh, my God,
you still have this old thing?
-Oh, yeah. I love this hoodie!
-Whatever happened to my red hoodie?
-Currently, it is being worn by a mechanical large-mouthed bass
-at the bottom of the lake. -Oh.
-Now I'm jealous of a cozy, singing fish.
-Spotlight good? -Greg: Sean,
I can't find Kiley anywhere.
-Hey, everything is all good. I got it set.
-We're ready to go-- -No. I need to find her now.
-Let's go. -Okay.
-Whoa! (gasps)
Do you remember this?
-Diver Dan.
Came out of retirement at his own party
to jump in the lake and save that entire family.
-Oh, what a legend. -Yeah.
-(laughing)
Hey.
-The nurses! The spring fling, right?
-Yeah! By the end of the night,
they were giving each other IV drips.
-That's not all they were giving each other. -(laughs)
Ah-hah! I found it!
-What?
-This.
-What is this?
-This is the flower that I gave you
the night of your last party ever on the boat.
-Senior's last dance!
-Yes! Yeah. -I remember you gave it to me at the bar!
-Yeah.
-Why do you still have this?
-Just needed a memento.
-Of a high school graduation party?
-Of the night...that I knew...
-That you knew what?
-That I knew that-- -(door opens)
-There you are. I've been looking for you!
-Uh, Max was helping me find my bartending prize.
-Yep! And we're still looking for it so--
-Could you come back to the deck, baby?
There's something I wanna show you.
-More surprises! -Well...
it's a surprise in that it's something
I've meticulously planned for months,
preparing for every contingency,
leaving no room for unplanned results.
-So, yeah! Sure! -Cool.
-Get out of my way. -I can't have you messing up the program.
-And I can't have Kiley marrying that jackass.
-I know you love her.
I know you've loved her since forever,
but stopping him from what he's about to do right now
is not the right move, man.
-Oh, what.
It's all about money, I'm assuming, huh?
-Oh, you mean that thing we have none of
because every time we leave the marina,
you find a way to get us fined.
-Money is your thing!
So you deal with it.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Sean! Come on! What are you doing?
-Sean: I'm dealing with it!
-First mates forever?
-(door knob rattles)
-(sighs)
I'm sorry.
I screwed everything up. I thought my,
my bartending prowess could get the job done.
I needed your energy up there.
Your spark.
Okay,
let's keep it together, man, okay?
If we dig deep and work as a team,
we can find a way to get Lauren's heart racing.
I have an idea.
Follow me.
-Tough loss.
-Mmm, I threw it on purpose.
Made a bet with Max that I'd win.
Mm.
Come on. I want to show you something.
-Okay.
-In Korea, this is called jug-eum-ui chum...
the Dance of Death.
Throughout his entire life, my father was undefeated
and tonight, I will continue his legacy.
Aaaaaah!
(grunts)
Now you.
-Stupid slow finger.
Man, this is the bullshit I'm talking about.
(breathing deeply)
A tisket a tasket a green and yellow basket
-Pathetic!
-Father, guide my hand.
-(guests cheering)
-Who is the victor? -Crowd: Eomma!
-Who is the victor? -Crowd: Eomma!
-Who is the victor? -Crowd: Eomma!
-Both: Oh! -Oh!
-Crowd: Oh!
-Eternal shame!
(screaming)
-Greg: Can I get everybody up on the main deck please.
-You're going through some heavy stuff right now, aren't you? -Yes.
-Divorce. Heartbreak. Self-loathing. -Yes.
-Mmm. Colors are muted, food has no taste. -Yes!
-What do you need, Lauren?
-I need--
-What do you need?
-I need...
-that Dwayne Johnson. -Hmm.
-Testing. Testing. Testing, one, two, three.
K-I-L-E-Y.
L-O-V-E.
Y-O-U.
Lights!
-(soft jazz music playing)
-Good evening, everybody.
I'm up here because I have something very important to say.
So here goes.
-(grunts)
Oh! Ah!
-Lauren: Okay, okay.
-Kiley...
you are the center of my universe.
You're the light...
that illuminates my life.
-(panting)
Well, it's a good thing I am one negligent bastard.
-Oh, yeah.
-(grunting)
-Walsh: What the hell is he doing?
-I remember the first day that we met.
I saw you from across the room.
You threw your head back, and you started to laugh.
It was the most beautiful smile I've ever seen.
-Crowd: Aww. -Aww.
-I knew from that instant that my life
would never be the same.
But here's the thing:
If you all know Kiley,
you know what her favorite show is, right?
-Crowd: So You Think You Can Dance!
-So You Think You Can Dance!
-Jonathan: Okay. All right. -Lauren: Come on! Come on.
-She never misses an episode,
which means,
for better or worse, I never miss an episode.
-(laughing)
-So a few months back...
I was thinking how can I make tonight extra special.
-And so... -No.
-Yes! -No. Really?
(gasps)
-Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! -Okay. Okay.
-Come on up here, guys!
-Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
-Oh, God! This is incredible.
-(snaps fingers) Hit the music, Sean.
-(music playing)
-(guests cheering)
Jump left right up and down
Left right up and down
-Ha!
-Oh!
-This is gonna be fun. (grunting)
Left right up and down stop
Show me something...
-What the hell's gotten into you?
-Aspirin. -Oh, no!
Greg's mom! Those weren't aspirin.
-Sweet dreams, boy band.
-Oh! Ah!
-Oh, yes! Oh, yes!
-(music continues)
-(grunting and panting)
-Oh!
Jump left right up and down
Left right up and down
Left right up and down
Left right up and down...
-(screaming)
-Oh! Oh! Oh, yes! -(Lauren screaming)
Stop show me something
-(grunting)
(screaming)
-(music continues)
-(grunting)
-(guests cheering)
-Lauren: Oh, my God! Oh!
-Shhh! -(Eomma grunts)
-Make sure you drink a lot of water tomorrow, okay?
You won't remember a thing.
-(screaming)
-(music continues)
-Ah!
-Guests: Oh! -Kiley: Greg!
-Oh! Oh, my God. -Greg: Ah!
-Kiley: Oh! -Greg: I'm okay. I'm okay.
(grunting)
Good dancing, guys.
Okay, now...
now for the main event.
-No--
-Eomma! Eomma, could you join us on the dance floor?
-Greg, You need to go to a hospital.
-What I need...is Eomma to be on the mark!
Screw it.
-I'm fine. Aah! Oh!
Kiley...Abigail Miller...
will you marry me?
Please?
Will you marry me?
-I-- (stammers)
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
-Hey! Oh, you okay?
-What the hell was that? -W-W--
-You just threw a buoy at my boyfriend!
-First of all, it's not called a buoy, it's called a fender.
But what the hell was that though? Right?
-I just thought it was a birthday dance.
I had no idea he was gonna propose.
-Well, it's okay. You did the right thing.
-I just need time...to think.
It's weird being back on this boat with you and Sean.
-Good weird though...right?
-I don't know.
I guess. Yeah.
-So...my whole life I've had this idea of the perfect moment.
But now, I think that maybe,
you know, sometimes you just got to take a leap of faith.
-So... -So I should marry Greg?
-No, I mean that I need to take a leap of faith.
Because I love you.
-Yeah, I love you too.
-No, I mean... I'm in love with you.
-Shit!
-I know. (chuckles)
-You know, you could not have picked
a shittier time to dump this on me.
-Oh, hey. Hey, hey, hey, come on.
It could be you and me. Like it always was.
Just having fun. Living in the moment,
partying on the boat all the time.
It's just that now, there would be...
a little kissing thrown in.
-Come on, Max.
-Lauren: That was...
-Yeah! It really was.
-I only hit my head like a thousand times.
-I only pulled my groin twice!
-(both laugh)
-You wanna know something?
-What?
-I knew from the second I saw you
that we had the most... amazing connection.
-Shut up. -No, I'm serious.
You wanna know how serious I am?
When I saw Max,
I bet him twenty bucks we'd get together.
-What? -Yeah.
Which is something we do, uh, but normally, I don't win,
or I do win, but I can never provide proof.
-I can't believe this.
-No, no, no. I-I'm saying I-I normally lose the bet,
b-but I saw my soulmate
and when you have a soulmate, you can't lose!
I'm making this worse, aren't I?
-Actually...
no.
I've never been the subject of a sex bet.
It feels awesome.
-I don't want you to worry about a thing, Greg.
I'm gonna get us back to the marina. Okay?
-What's the point?
Just throw me overboard.
-Hey, Sean-- -No-- I need you to take this
and, uh, get some ice for Dr. Kim's leg. Okay?
-But, Sean-- -Why aren't we moving?
-That's what I'm trying to tell you.
I think we ran out of gas.
-What? -Woman: Did he just say we're out--
-Go get the ice.
-Um, look, you relax this leg.
Excuse me for one second. I'll be right back.
-Man: Are we stranded?
-(guests murmuring)
-(Eomma crying)
-Eomma? Are you okay?
-I-I lost the Dance of Death
and was defeated in battle by a pasty manchild.
My father is looking down on me with shame.
-Hey, you can't let his approval run your life.
-Look...
Eight years ago...
I told my father that I like women,
and he totally freaked out.
And then fortunately, I haven't spoken to him since.
But that's on him and not me.
Understand?
-I think I do.
Thank you.
-You're welcome.
Can I help you...
get out of this?
-Max: Hey! There you are!
Guess what? I finally told-- Whoa!
-Hey! What is-- -Come on.
-Hey, What's up?
-You said you filled the gas!
-Ha! I say a lot of things.
-We're stranded out here.
And if I call lake patrol, we're totally screwed.
-Lake patrol, really?
You're still afraid of those guys?
You've been letting Walsh push you around
-ever since high school. -They're not pushing me around, Max!
They're trying to kick us off this lake!
That's our business. The one that you have again
put yourself ahead of.
You've compromised everything we ever worked for.
-We can find more money. -No, we can't! There's no more money!
-Have I ever let you down before? -Yes!
-Fair enough!
-There is no way that Greg is gonna pay for this party
after you just ruined his proposal.
You know what?
We're done.
-What, you don't want to be partners anymore?
-I don't know if I even want to be your friend.
-Oh!
-(scraping and thudding)
-You hear that?
-(scraping and thudding continues)
-Wait, what the hell is that.
-Woman: Is Greg about to jump?
-Greg, what the hell are you doing?
-Greg: Leave me alone, Max!
-And there it is. Someone's finally going to die.
-Just...go get Kiley.
Greg?
Why don't you just come back to the party, man?
You know? Show us some more of those cool dance moves.
-I think I broke my ankle.
Yeah, um...
Listen, man, about that. I'm really sorry. Okay?
I just-- I got really... carried away.
-Yeah, so did I.
I don't know what I was thinking.
-Well, you were thinking about sweeping her off her feet, man.
It's a poor choice of words. I'm sorry. I--
-Hey, hey. Wait, wait, wait!
-Hey. Uh. Yeah. Quick question.
Why aren't we movin'?
I was actually just reading some of your Yelp reviews,
and apparently you guys are pretty...
-Kiley? -...well known for running out of gas.
-Kiley? Kiley?
-Yeah. Okay. Good talk.
-Whats up? -Greg's up front,
-says he's gonna jump. -Shit!
Greg doesn't know how to swim.
-I'm telling everyone
you guys are irresponsible and incompetent.
-Yeah, why haven't you called for help?
-Fine, you know what? What's the point.
Everyone hold tight while I call lake patrol.
-Greg. Greg, what are you doing?
I'm sorry, I couldn't say...yes to your proposal
in front of all those people.
-You were never going to say yes.
I clean teeth, and I wear seersucker.
-Yeah, but you were rockin' it, man!
-Lake patrol, this is S.S. Party Boat. Come in, over.
Well, well, well. Let me guess,
that menace of a ship of yours ran out of gas,
you've got a passenger that's about
to commit harakari off the bow,
and you're on this radio to beg for mercy.
Well, guess what?
You're not getting any mercy, Meadows.
No. Say the word.
I want to hear you say the word,
and we can call this off once and for all.
Over.
-I just wanted to say that
your people have the most beautiful skin.
And you are a wonderful, wonderful swimmer.
-Uhh, you okay?
-Flyin' high.
-(chuckles)
-(chuckles)
Mayday.
-Greg.
Baby, just come down.
Okay? We'll go to shore.
We'll get your leg fixed, and we will talk about this.
-You know, I always thought
Max didn't like me because I'm an orthodontist.
Tonight I realized it didn't have anything to do with me.
It was always about you.
I'm allergic to dogs, and I clean retainers.
I thought I could dance, but...
Now I know.
Oh, what's the point.
-Whoa, whoa! Hey! -Whoa! Hey, man!
Hey! Greg, We got you
a lifetime supply of Allegra at Costco.
You make people's smiles straighter.
Without you, I would have never opened the shelter.
You force me to believe in myself.
-Max: Greg...
it's Max again.
Uhm, I've known Kiley since fourth grade
and you've known her, what, two years?
So, that kind of makes you a Kiley novice.
-Shut up, Max! -No, no, no, I-I got this.
Trust me.
Greg, listen to me, you two left-footed
son of a bitch.
She loves you.
-No, she doesn't.
-Yes, she does.
Just tell him.
Come on, Kiley.
Just take the plunge.
Oh, no, no, no, no. Not--
Not you!
(softly): Jesus, this guy's so literal.
Hey,
you know what you have to do.
You can't be afraid to move forward.
I love you,
but so does he.
And I know that you love him.
You can do this.
Gregory Hampton Kim...
will you marry me?
-Attention, everyone!
I would like to present
the future Mr. and Mrs.--
-Nobody cares. Okay?
-What are you doing on our boat?
-Your buddy got on the radio and said those magic words.
Mayday, mayday, mayday! Which gives me
full authority to come on board
and commandeer your vessel,
so I'm commandeering your vessel.
Hicks over here is gonna write you guys so many tickets,
you'll never pay them off.
You'll think your student loan is a nickel
found in the couch.
I've waited ten years for tonight.
-Ten years since we...
caught you counseling that kid in the bathroom
and got you kicked off the force.
-Mmm.
What is that, Hi-C?
You're a pussy, and I'm embarrassed for you.
This is like a, what, a high school reunion?
Is that what you guys are doing here,
getting the gang back together?
You got the Hawaiian shirt guy.
We have the theater nerds, still playing dress-up.
What are you, forty? What are you doing?
What is this? We got the teen mom,
still trying to convince everybody she's still hot.
Mm-mm. Luke warm.
Very high luke warm, don't get me wrong.
There's the popular girl,
still playing with all the boys' heads.
Then we got the wise ass.
Everything you say gets everybody else in trouble.
You know that?
Then we have the know-it-all.
Well, guess what, Sean? You're not a know-it-all
because you partnered with a wise ass,
your boat ran out of gas and it sunk,
and that's why I'm here. You're done.
In two days, you guys are going to be pumping gas, you follow?
You're gonna be pump--
Wow.
There is- you can tear it.
Pumpin'-- Pumpin' gas.
Pumpin' ga-- Whoa!
Fishies. Pumping-- Pumping gas.
(singsongy): Pumping gas, pumping gas, pumping gas.
Pump's a funny word! There are two P's. Pumping gas!
-What in the hell is going on?
-So, you know how Chuck has been snatching cups out of my hand
and chugging 'em since we were freshman?
I took a couple of those Combo Locks
and put them in my drink.
-(singing): Pumping gas, pumping gas, I'm pumping gas.
Pumping gas.
Come on, let's go.
-Are you serious? -I am.
-Boogie-woogie-woogie-- -Whoo!
-Whoo! Volume!
-I believe Officer Walsh is asking for some volume.
Would you like to provide the man with some volume?
-I think I would.
-(dance music playing)
-(cheering)
-Are you sure you're okay?
-Yeah, Max gave me some aspirin!
Wha--
-Becky: Hey, sparky, what's your full name,
rank, and badge number?
-Lake Everett Patrolman Chuck Walsh,
badge number 2-5-5-3!
2-5-5-3! Whoo!
-And what are you doing on this boat?
-I'm tripping balls!
-What was that?
-I'm tripping balls!
Yeah, I'm tripping balls!
-(music continues)
-(guests cheering and shouting)
-Yo!
Sorry I dosed your partner, Hicks.
-Not even worried about it.
Looks like I'm getting bumped up.
-(laughing)
-Also...
looks like you won't be needing these citations.
-Hey!
My man!
-Let's party! -Let's party!
Hey, you wouldn't happen to have any spare gas, would you?
I think I got a few cans. Yeah.
-Let's party, man.
-Let's party.
-(cheering)
-(music continues)
-I gotta say,
epic party, Max.
-Thank you.
You know, I got some ideas on how to cut costs.
Get a little leaner,
except you'll have to show me the, uh--
-The books. -Yes!
Then again you'll have to tell me what the numbers mean.
-Absolutely.
But you do know tonight wasn't all about the money, right?
-I know.
I'm really proud of you, Seanie boy.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
-For what?
-Standing up to Walsh the way that you did.
That took--
-You know? -(Sean laughs)
-I also want to thank you for always having my back too.
Tonight, last week...
the last twenty years.
-Dude. First mates forever.
-Ah, Seanie,
I love ya. Always have.
-I love you too.
-Now... -Uh, there it is.
-Oh! Oh! -There it is.
-There it is. -Hold on. Hold on. Look at this.
-(music continues)
-Cheers.
-Mmm.
-Whoo! -What do you say
we show these people how to really party?
-Especially that girl right there.
-Right there? Let's go. -Yeah.
Let us dance til' dawn! Arrgh!
Body roll!
Fly, Carmichael. Arrr!
-(cheering)
-(music continues)
-That was the best party of my life!
I'm telling everyone you guys rock!
-Awesome.
-Please let me stay!
I wanna live on this boat!
-(Sean and Max chuckle)
-Thank you. -You don't gotta go home,
but you gotta get the hell out of here!
-Thank you, guys.
Eomma, I hope we showed you a good time.
-It was the night of my life.
-What the hell was that?
That's the S.S. Party Boat weaving its magic,
that's what that is.
-Uh, should we get breakfast?
-It's on me.
-Ooh. -(Lauren chuckles)
-That guy's crazy. It might work out.
-Guys, this is my masterpiece.
-Too bad you have to delete that. -Mm-hmm.
-Freedom of the press, no way!
-What! What happens on the party boat stays on the party boat.
-Stays.
-Guys,
I can't thank you enough.
-Oh, Greg, you don't have to do this.
Tha-That party was a disaster.
-Hey. She said yes, right?
Well, technically, she said no, but then you said yes.
-I'm a man of my word.
-You should really hang out with us more often, Greg.
-Really? -Max: Yeah.
-It's good with me, matey.
-Well, just take it easy on the mateys.
Okay?
-I'm gonna go catch up with my Eomma, all right?
-So, floating wedding next year?
Again, about everything, I'm really sorry and--
-Stop it. You threw a great party,
and you gave me the greatest proposal story of all time.
Anything for my first mate.
-Come here.
-L-Let go.
-Hmm? Oh, yeah. -Let go.
-My bad.
-Congratulations.
-Thanks, I'll see you soon.
-Sean: You got it.
-Wow. -Yep.
Our work here is done.
-And nobody died. -Nobody died
-(mugs clink)
(High Rollers by Photronique playing)
-Hey, Sean!
-You know what I was thinking? -What's that?
-Tahiti. -Tahiti?
-Tahiti. -You wanna do Tahiti?
-Absolutely. -We should do Tahiti.
-Sailboat.
-(both grunt)
-You like it? -Dude, I love it.
-You know what? I do like Tahiti.
-I'm telling you man, stick with me,
-I'll make all your dreams come true. -We're going places,
we're going places.
-Max: Tahiti! -(Sean laughs)
-We're coming for you, bitches.
-Oh, God. -No rush. There's no rush.
Hey, Hicks, what's Eddie Van Halen look like in real life?
-I don't know. Get to the bed.
-Three locks, three locks. -Get to the bed. Get to the bed.
-I'm going! You're not even on the bed.
-I know I'm not. -Oh, my God.
-You know what? You need a quesadilla. You need one.
-No, no, no, lay down. Lay down.
-Walsh! -What?
-Lay down! -I got muenster in the fridge.
-Lay down and relax!
-I'm relaxed, you're the one that's not relaxed.
-Alright, Walsh. I'll see you later.
Probably at your hearing.
-(laughs) At my hearing.
I can hear.
Hicksy, slide me over one of those buckets, okay?
-Which one?
-It's too early to tell.
-You know what, just scoot over.
You're too wasted to leave alone,
and I'm too tired to go home, so...
-Big spoon or little spoon?
-It's too early to tell.
Are you sure this bed is--
Oh, God.
-I can smell your sunscreen.
-Go to bed, Walsh.
-(High Rollers by Photronique playing)
I'm a jet set player yeah I'm doing life right
Rooftop party man them flashing lights bright
Big shot talking girl I do it all night
Don't stop win it girl let's get it right
Party in the penthouse Trump Tower
Private jets any hour
Day or week
Dripping all them diamonds diamonds platinum
In my earrings so classy
Living like high rollers that one percent
Yeah we do it how we do it
And then we do it again
'Cause we're the high rollers don't forget
Yeah we in it just to win it there's no limits we bet
'Cause we're the hi-i-i-i-i high rollers
We're the hi-i-i-i-i high rollers
We're the hi-i-i-i-i high rollers
We're the hi-i-i-i-i high rollers
Call me Cool Hand Luke
'Cause man I really can't lose
Party with my people please send me some more goose
Big yacht pimpin' sipping on some juice
I can't believe it man my life is true
Party in the penthouse Trump Tower
Private jets any hour
Day or week
Dripping all them diamonds diamonds platinum
In my earrings so classy
Living like high rollers that one percent
Yeah we do it how we do it
And then we do it again
'Cause we're the high rollers don't forget
Yeah we in it just to win it there's no limits we bet
We're the hi-i-i-i-i high rollers
We're the hi-i-i-i-i high rollers
We're the hi-i-i-i-i high rollers
We're the hi-i-i-i-i high rollers
Living like high rollers that one percent
Yeah we do it how we do it
And then we do it again
'Cause we're the high rollers don't forget
Yeah we in it just to win it there's no limits we bet
'Cause we're the hi-i-i-i-i high rollers
We're the hi-i-i-i-i high rollers
We're the hi-i-i-i-i high rollers
We're the hi-i-i-i-i high rollers
Roller rollers rollers rollers
Rollers rollers rollers rollers
Rollers rollers rollers
-(people cheering)
-(crowd chanting): Party Boat! Party Boat!
-Man: Attention, Lake Everett Seniors!
Let's get wild! Let's get weird! But let's not get pregnant!
-(cheering)
-(crowd chanting): Party Boat! Party Boat!
-Come on! Ha ha!
-Hey, you! -Oh, man.
-Promise me no one dies tonight!
-Listen. We are five years in, my man.
-Nobody's died yet. -That we know of.
-If no one dies on my last night,
I'm gonna be real disappointed.
-You've been threatening to quit
for three seasons now, Kiley.
I don't think it's gonna happen.
-Hey. Did you guys go to our school?
-No! -Yes!
-Best friends since fifth grade.
-Fourth! Fourth.
-We are living proof
that with a little bit of hustle and some luck--
-And a predatory loan.
-All your dreams can come true!
-That is the best dream ever!
-It is. Aim high! -Whoo!
-That's what we do, Sean! We make dreams come true! Unh.
-(hip hop music playing)
-(cheering)
-Oh, yeah!
-Whoo!
-(music continues)
-Three, two, one! Go!
-(cheering)
-That was pretty cool. -That was awesome.
-(indistinct shouting)
-(laughing)
-Kiley: Hey, guys! Look alive!
-(music continues)
-Sean: Get in there. -Man: What the hell?
-What, do you guys live here?
-Oh, yeah. Pretty cool, huh?
-Sad-cool, maybe?
-Shut up! Do you know how much trouble we would get into
if lake patrol boarded us and found this stash?
-It's a lot.
What kind of drugs are those anyway?
-Combination Locks.
-Both: What the hell is that?
-It's Adderall mixed with molly mixed with acid.
It's like a combo meal, extra fries.
Kinda makes your brain just...lock.
-Max: Hmm. -Then you're flying high!
-Oh, you're flying high, huh?
-Too bad we're gonna have to confiscate them. Give me that!
-What? -Sean: That's right.
-You heard me right! -Max: Get out.
-No! -Back to the party, man.
-Smoke some weed or something.
-Those are the breaks! -Damn!
-We definitely have to take some of these.
-We are definitely throwing those in the lake.
-Sean. -Max.
-Sean. -Max.
-Sean. -Max!
-Fine.
-(music continues outside)
-Can't waste these.
Who needs aspirin?
-(pills rattle)
-(music continues) -(people cheering)
-You really want to leave all this behind?
-Can't be afraid to move on, Max.
-But nothing's gonna change, right?
It'll be you and me, like always.
-Always! -First mates forever!
-Max: Well, well, well. Who is this stranger?
Ah. It's my birthday bestie!
What's up?
-Maximus!
-You ready to party tonight? -Absolutely!
-Hey, let me see that rage face!
-(chuckles) -(Kiley laughs)
-All right, ditch your fuzzies. Let's go.
-Yeah, but I gotta clean the boat, so...
-You never clean the boat.
-I'll be right down!
-Kiley: Uh, did Greg get you the final guest list?
-Sean: He did. And the wine list.
And the appetizer list. And the playlist.
-Yeah. -Hey, Kev, how we lookin'?
-Clear skies. Calm waters.
-Awesome. -Max: Can't lose.
-Anyway. Um. Sorry. Dr. Greg loves his lists.
-"Dr. Greg." Don't you mean "Orthodontist Greg"?
Hey, by the way,
have you ever told him that you actually worked on this boat?
I mean, he is your boyfriend.
-Uh-- Yes. Yes. Obviously. -Hmm.
-He doesn't know all the stories. -Oh!
-Because he would run scared
if he knew all the shit I got up to with you guys.
-Well, then let's call him-- -No, absolutely not!
-Seriously! Sailor's code, dude! -(chuckles)
-All right, let's go.
-Cool, yeah, no, I'll just... clean up everything, as always.
-Thanks, dude!
-(sighs)
-Man: Tonight, Sean.
I'll have you in handcuffs.
Not "soon."
Tonight, Sean,
and your little dog too are going down.
You know, Sean-- -(knocking on door)
-What?
What? For the love of God!
Every time!
-Hey, buddy! -How's it going, Walsh?
-It's all right. -My god.
This is janky. You wanted to see me?
-I did. Lock that door, would you?
There's two locks. Lock both. One's a bolt.
The other one's in the door handle right there itself.
Just-- we wanna be snug as a bug...in two rugs.
How long you been on the force, Hicks?
-You mean lake patrol?
Three days.
-You know, most partners only last one week with me.
-What happens to them? -They tap out.
Choke's a choke. HR gets involved.
It's, it's better to just cut 'em loose than go to trial.
What brought you, uh, to LALP?
You love the lake? Search for justice?
-Craigslist.
-Craig's a good guy. Tell him I said hi, okay?
-It's a website.
Do you live here?
-No. Live here? No.
I got a big house. No.
-There's a bed. There's, like, drool stains on the pillow.
-'Cause I was sound asleep.
You take a lot of all-nighters that you gotta pull here.
A lot of surveillance work. You could take a nap if you want.
You're probably tired, out in the sun all day.
I'll lay with you if you're frightened.
-I'm good. -Okay.
-Why is your pans all crusty? You cook here?
-Yes, I cook. I cook quesadillas.
I cook mean quesadillas.
You can have a quesadilla. I'll cook one for ya.
I'll clean the pot first. And the pan.
And then you probably can sleep here.
You can lay down and take a nap. I'll lay with you
-in case you get frightened. -I'm good.
-Is that piss?
-You can go if you want. It's all right.
It's just two dudes. It's all right.
It's totally normal.
-What's-what's that bucket for? -That's composting.
-You don't wanna go near that-- -Ugh!
-That's shit!
-You take the feces of other animals
for the benefit of a garden.
You know what? Yes! I live here. Okay?
And I'm proud of it. You know why I live here?
'Cause of that white boat. And these two assholes--
Well, he's an asshole. He's kinda handsome in a cool--
They think they run the lake. But they don't run that lake.
Hicks, I run that lake.
But you wanna know what this is right here?
This is my golden ticket for that white boat.
This is the Lake Council telling me
I have full authority to bring those assholes
and burn 'em to the ground, tonight!
So if you're in, if you're down with the job,
cop a squat, take a leak,
drain the train, have a quesadilla,
take a nap, I'll lay with you if you want,
because tonight, we roll.
Let's go buzz their tower!
-Okay.
-Max: Hey, wait, wait!
Slow down, white lightening!
Wait, Kiles, hold on!
(panting)
-Hold on. -Sad, Max.
-Yeah, I know.
Oh!
Oh, please, come on.
It's not like Dr. Supercuts can keep up with you either?
-Greg ran track at Trinity.
-Of course he did.
-Dude...
I really need you guys to be friends if this is gonna work.
-I need to be friends with that guy
like you need to adopt more puppies.
-Don't talk smack about my pups.
I'm ride or die for those bitches.
-You really serious about this whole thing?
-I don't know. Sometimes it feels like I'm faking it.
Running a shelter.
I guess I wish I could be back on the boat
mixing drinks with you guys.
-Well...I know a guy who can make that happen.
-(laughing)
-But I was actually talking about you and Greg.
-He is the sweetest, most supportive guy I've ever met.
I think I found someone really special.
-Ah.
-Can you just try to be nice?
Please? At least for tonight?
-Yeah.
Fine.
But...only because...
-Oh, my god. Oh, my god. You're so gross.
-...I love you so much.
-Gross. Gross. Gross. Gross. Gross.
-Oh, God, get off. -Let's go.
God, you sweat like Trump's ball sack.
-Well, yeah.
-All right. One more mile.
-Okay. -Try to keep up.
You're getting slow in your old age.
-You got this tonight, Sean. This is a big party.
This is one of our biggest. What do we got?
Smooth jazz, check.
Pinot Grigio, check.
-Walsh: Officers boarding vessel. -Mm-hmm.
What do you want, Walsh?
-French vanilla? Creamer? You're a pussy.
Where's your partner?
-Sean: He's running errands.
-Oh, really?
Ooh! Looks like you guys are in line
for another shitshow tonight.
-That's nice. -Actually, sorry to disappoint.
Tonight's a classy party,
hosted by a locally respected doctor.
-Oh, he's an orthodontist, actually.
-I don't care if it's Sean's mom's vagina doctor.
Doesn't matter.
I've been waiting for this moment for ten years.
-This is my moment! -What moment?
-What moment? I just got word from the Lake Council
you guys haven't paid any of your fines.
You guys are in the hole, uh--
what's the number up to now, Hicks?
-I think like eighteen grand, sir.
Eighteen thousand dollars.
-First of all...don't talk about my mom.
-Or Dr. Nancy. -Second,
we're gonna have the money.
-Why do you know the name of his mom's gynecologist?
You don't think that's odd?
How are you gonna get the money
if I ding you with citations tonight.
If you guys screw up, and you will screw up.
-Mayday, mayday, mayday. -Not gonna happen.
-Mayday! -It's not gonna happen!
-Mayday. -Becky: Hey, guys,
where should I put these fireworks?
It says it's "illegal in the contiguous United States." Huh.
Thank God we're on a lake.
-Also, I opened up the tramp... -Max: Hey. Hey. Hey.
...for... (clears throat)
-Why don't you go upstairs for a second.
I think I saw a, uh, Teletubby.
-Becky: Yeah, yeah, totally.
-This is going to be so easy.
Come on, Hicks, let's go.
Come on. Hicks!
-I freaking hate that guy.
-Seanie, why have we not been paying our bills, man?
-Uh, it's the fines, Max.
The fines that your party tricks keep sticking us with.
-Me? -Yeah.
Bobbing for lobsters. We got a fine for it.
What about the Mermaid Olympics? Remember that? Human catapult?
-That was awesome. -No, that was awesome.
That was-- that was pretty cool.
Look, man, we got into this business together
as equal partners, man,
and I'm doing everything I can to keep us afloat
but the fines are crushing us.
Kiley's party is the payday we need.
So for one night, I need you to help me, okay?
We have to keep things low-key
and we have to keep Walsh off this boat.
-All right. Fine. I got you.
Hey, first mates forever. Two times.
-Two times. Mm. First mates forever.
All right, cool. Checklist: Gas?
-Yeah. Absolutely.
Man, you run out of gas one time--
-It was three-- -Three times.
-That's right. Uh, did you fix the door on the lower deck?
-Come on, man. This is Kiley we're talking about.
You don't think I want tonight to be perfect?
I think that I'm like this close to getting her back on the crew.
-It's been two years. She's rescuing puppies now.
Listen, I'm gonna say this to you as your best friend, okay?
You gotta let her go.
Hey!
Pick up a bag!
-(grunting and screaming)
-We have to be prepared
for anything when we're out there, Hicks.
Tonight... (exhales forcefully)
Look at this horse stance. Look at this!
Anything at all, buddy. That's why we train.
(screaming)
-That's right, buddy. Come on, let's train.
-Nah. Calm down.
We're just lake patrol. You know that.
-Just lake patrol?
Is that what you're gonna say when you're--
when you're out in the shit, tonight?
"I'm lake patrol." You gonna take a selfie?
Put it in your wifi cloud? Is that what you're gonna do?
-No. -(Walsh screaming)
-I'll probably just tweet it. -Suit yourself,
lazy. What?
No, I'm talkin' to Hicks there, Sean.
What? (screaming)
What was that, Sean? (screams)
What was that? Hey, Max? Wanna eat a dick?
Whoa!
(laughing) Hey, Sean!
He's tall. Sean's taller.
Upwards. To the Adam's apple.
He falls towards you? Little shoe shine on the way down.
(screaming)
Hey, Sean. (screaming)
Ooh! Ooh! Elbows. Right there.
Six stitches above the eye.
You ever see guys with really cool stitches?
It's either hockey or they caught one of my elbows.
Right there. (screaming)
Why won't you just train with me?
-(Hicks sighs) Honestly, I mean,
I feel like you're gonna lose your shit
and accidentally hurt me, so.
-Well, who knows? Right?
I don't accidentally lose my temper.
Pain is a valuable, valuable lesson.
Maybe you could use a lesson or two.
-Hicks: I'll get on the boat,
I'll write some tickets...
but I don't wanna do that.
-This is good footwork. That's mat work, man.
Mat work's good for ya.
Just train. That's the problem
with your entire generation, buddy.
Got your faces in your phones.
Palm strike. Palm strike.
Box cutter!
You're not gonna learn anything on the internet.
That was--
Where the hell did you learn that?
-The internet.
-(screaming)
You don't even know what that's called, do ya?
-Yelling? -Can you stretch?
Let's see you stretch.
Why don't ya go sit down before you get hurt?
-You didn't stretch! -A'ight.
-(screaming)
-Jonathan: Hoo!
The ancients believed that every object had a soul.
Meet your maker!
(yelling)
-Oh, that is sweet.
-What'd I tell you about playing with knives?
-That they're awesome? -Didn't say that. Put it away.
-Oh! But I am a fruit ninja!
-(yelling)
-You are a lawsuit waiting to happen.
-You better look alive tonight,
because Kiley's gonna be on the boat,
and you are already on the verge of being replaced, my friend.
-Huh? What's that?
-Greg: Ahoy, mateys!
-Oh, great, the human mouth guard has arrived.
-Keep up the good work, man. -I shall. Always do.
-Greg: Hey!
There they are. The party boys.
-Lookin' sharp, Greg. I like that!
-Thank you, good man. You know, I went with the full seersuck
-since we're on a boat. -Yeah.
- I'm on a boat -No. No, no, no. Never.
Never that song. Never on our boat.
-(chuckles) -Greg: Hey, buddy.
So we feel good? Special night, right?
-Yeah. -Yup, it is.
But why are you here an hour early, Greg?
-Dr. Greg is always early for his appointments.
-(laughing)
I just wanted to make sure all our ducks are in a row.
-Our ducks are in a row. Aren't they, Sean?
-They are, Max. -As a matter of fact, Greg--
-We have bow ties on all the crew.
We have smooth jazz on all the speakers
and wine in every glass.
Trust me, Greg, we're all over it.
-Bow ties? -Uh-huh.
-Jazz? -Yeah.
-I thought Kiley wanted to have her birthday on our boat
because she likes the way that we do things,
-Sean. -Kiley?
Booking the boat was my idea.
You know, for nostalgia.
I just wanted to remind her where she came from
before showing her where we're going.
-That's amazing. Isn't that amazing?
-What does that mean?
-Between us...
I'm gonna ask her to marry me tonight.
-Greg: Whoo! -(Sean chuckles)
-You know, it feels so good being able to say that out loud.
-Sean: Wow! Our first proposal.
-Big time.
Now, I'm gonna need you to help me out
and take extra care of my Eomma.
-Jesus, Greg. You look like an asshole in that suit.
-Welcome aboard, Miss Kim.
Uh, hope you brought your dancing shoes.
-The Kims don't dance.
(sighs) Now, where's the bar?
-It's gonna be great.
-I like your mom, Greg.
-Hey. Are you serious with this?
-I am. And, uh, can you hit that top button?
-No! -Yeah. Please.
How you guys doing?
-Oh, hey, welcome!
-So I'm thinking, if we wanna avoid Walsh,
our best bet is to hug the shore,
anchor down in the cove.
Yeah, we should be in good shape.
-You hearing me, Max? -Were you saying something?
Oh, hey! There she is.
Ready to get behind that bar, birthday girl? Two times!
Unh!
-You guys remember my sister, Lauren.
-Yeah, sorry about the divorce. Tough break.
-Hmm. Screw off, Max.
This boat better not sink.
-That's for sure.
'Cause I'm paying for the return trip too.
Come on, ladies, all aboard!
-Get in there!
-Kiley: Babe, that suit looks great.
-Hey, Max?
-Hmm?
No!
-(softly): Yes. -No, no--
-(engine starts)
-(horn blaring)
-All right. You ready? You ready to do this?
-Yeah. I'm good. -No, you're not good.
Yeah, you've got a citation book, but you're forgetting
the number one danger out there on that lake, man.
What's the matter with you? The sun!
You got-- the sun, 'cause the lake reflects all the light up.
-So what's this? -Uh...
-weird pocket dildo? -I wish!
-I don't know. -Sunscreen, buddy.
You gotta get lubed up. I can't have you burned.
Your tattoos will look like crumbled fresco.
It'll look like some kinda weird Jackson Pollock, you know? Here.
-So much! -Look up. Look up.
-There you go. Now be still... -Oh, God.
-be still, don't talk. -What are you doing?
-Lubin' up.
Ooh. You-- Yeah. A lot of push-ups, I like that.
Why are you touching my nipple like that?
-I don't know, I didn't expect it to be that long.
-Sorry. Here. -Ah! God!
-What the hell? -You gotta keep your eyes closed!
You're all right. You want a nice tan line.
-You got it in my eyes.
-Here and I'll rub that in too. It's okay. It's okay.
-Oh! -It's okay.
-I think I can't see anymore.
-Let's go get those assholes.
-Okay, let's go.
-(soft jazz music playing) -(indistinct chattering)
-Look at her, man.
That is her "I'm bored as hell
but I'm trying to be polite" face.
Ugh, it's pathetic.
-You know, Max, it's a great thing
you and Kiley are just friends
and you're totally not in love with her.
Otherwise, this news of her impending engagement
would be one hell of a punch to the nuts, huh?
-I'm not "totally" in love with her.
-I guess the great part about being just her friend
and, as you specifically noted, nothing more,
is that you'll get to help her choose out a wedding dress.
And when she's stressed out about the props
in the photo booth and her batshit mother-in-law,
you'll get to be her totally platonic,
non-sexual shoulder to lean on.
And once she's married, you'll get to be her confidant.
When she's worried that
Greg is no longer interested in her sexually--
Enough!
-We've just never been single at the same time,
and I didn't want to mess up our friendship.
Besides, I've been waiting for the perfect moment.
-You've been waiting since fourth grade, man!
-Yeah, well, there's a lot of elements that go into
the perfect moment, Jonathan.
Trust me,
I'm the party guy.
I know a thing or two about "moments."
-Okay, well, how about you make one!
Okay? Before Mr. Doctor Man wifes her up?
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-You know what? You're right.
But I will need your help.
Sean putting us into the cove so you--
-Oh, no can do, buddy.
Not to be selfish, but tonight is all about me,
whoever the hell that is, and the rest of our lives together.
-Don't even bother. Lauren will swallow you whole.
-That's the plan.
Hey, my name is Jonathan,
and I'm here to help you find your smile on this voyage.
-Shove that smile up your dick.
My husband screwed his life coach
and left me with two kids and no child support,
so pour me a goddamned whiskey.
-Max: Charming as ever, Lauren!
One sadness on rocks!
-The bottle, Max. -Max: Okay.
-Twenty bucks says I take her to the township of pound.
Yeah.
But if I don't, I get to keep the money.
-That's not how betting works. -(slaps butt)
-Oh! -I know it.
-(groans)
-(soft jazz music playing)
-Lauren?
Hey. You know we're not actually gonna sink, right?
-No, we're sinking.
We just won't know it until it's too late.
-Come on, it's not that bad.
-Listen to me, Kiley. You graduate college,
and everything's great.
You meet a guy.
And he's gorgeous and boring and predictable
and incredibly safe.
And no one ever went wrong with a nice guy, right?
That's wrong.
Trust me, I know you love Greg,
but don't rush into anything.
-Are you ready for this?
Are you ready?
This one is special. I can tell.
Did you see the-the anger in her eyes?
The hatred in her voice?
That's so hot!
She's the one, Little J.
She's the one.
We can't screw this up.
Okay, no false starts. No second act slumps.
We need to be on top of our game!
Now, I'm not gonna lie...
I'm nervous.
But you can't be, okay?
I need you to rise like the sun in the east.
Looking sharp, Little J.
Looking sharp.
(softly): Yeah. (clicks tongue)
-(jazz music continues)
-Table one, thank you.
So far so good, huh?
-Yeah, if you like funerals at sea.
-Max, don't sta--
-Hey, what do you guys think?
Proposal at sunset or under the stars?
-Sean: Sunset. -Max: Stars.
-All right. I trust you, Max.
Stars it is.
Sean, on my cue, you play that song,
and I'll take care of the rest, okay?
-Yes.
-I'm excited. -Yeah!
-I'm nervous. Should I be nervous?
-Of course-- -Yeah, have you thought this through?
-Did I think this through?
I've been rehearsing this for weeks.
-Look, look. Do-Don't worry about a thing. Okay?
Everything is set. You're gonna do great.
-Yeah, yeah. -Yeah! Come on, man!
-(Sean chuckles) -Whoo!
-That's an all right dude.
-That guy's keeping TJ Maxx in business.
-No, don't do that, okay? We need to get paid, Max.
And that only happens if Greg walks away happy.
-And that doesn't happen if she's having a shitty time.
Look at her, man. She's bored out of her mind!
Come on.
Dr. Greg can do his thing later, okay?
Right now, what we need...
-is to flip this party. -No.
No, no. What about lake patrol?
-You had the captain put us in the cove.
You don't think we can handle Chuckie Walsh?
Come on. Sean?
-All right, fine. Just promise me nobody dies tonight.
-We've been doin' this for seven years.
We haven't lost anybody yet!
-(sighs) I'm serious, Max.
Shoot.
-Hicks: Still nothing.
-Walsh: Still nothing? They just pulled into the cove.
That's gonna be the crime scene.
You just gotta be patient, Hicks!
-Why are you always on their case, man?
-Because they're the reason I'm standing here on a dinghy
with a dinghy that looks like Sammy Hagar's son
instead of out there throwing detective cock all over town.
-Ugh!
-2007, that's when it all changed, my man.
2007-- I don't want these.
I used to break up their high school parties.
That was me. I was the big bad wolf.
"Here comes Officer Walsh,
everybody put your cups down and run!"
You should have seen the looks on their dumb faces
when I came through the woods with my big spotlight.
Then I had to stop, I didn't feel like doin' that job anymore
and it was a misunderstanding. It's, uh, it's stupid.
-Wait, I remember that night. -No. That's impossible.
-You're the guy with the big spotlight.
-First of all, let's keep our voices down.
Because water, sound travels differently
than it does, not water.
Sean told me a young man needed counseling.
So I pulled him aside to counsel him, okay?
-Okay, but why was your pants down?
-We were in a restroom.
Makes perfect sense.
Makes perfect sense to me. And a judge. A state judge.
Give me these. You know what?
Watch this.
Look what I'm doing with my eyes. Watch this.
You see that? You're not even looking at me.
Look what I'm doing with my eyes. Can you do this?
I can see just as far as those are.
-(tapping on mic) -(electronic feedback)
-Hello, attention everyone, up here.
Hello, hi.
My name is Max.
I'm co-owner of this ship,
but I also happen to be an old friend of Kiley's.
Now, as some of you know,
Kiley was a founding staff member of the S.S. Party Boat.
And that first summer, our original idea was
to just park her at the dock,
use her as a floating bar.
But it was Kiley
who stood up and told us,
something that has moved this business forward ever since.
She said, "A ship is safe in the harbor,
but that's not what ships were built for."
Quickly we found out that she got that
off of a mug at the marina giftshop.
-Wrap it up!
-But that is precisely why we love Kiley so much.
Because she knows that pursuing adventure
is much more rewarding than just sitting safely in some harbor.
And she also happens to be
the best damn bartender in all of Lake Everett.
So watch your back, Jonathan!
-(laughter)
-Max: So raise a glass.
(glasses clinking)
To Kiley.
-Guests: To Kiley.
-(splashes)
Now, there is one more thing
that Kiley Abigail Miller will not stand for.
And that is a boring party, okay?
It's time to go off the script a bit.
-Off script?
-So put down your cellphones, toss your inhibitions,
'cause it's time to boogie!
-(High Rollers by Photronique playing)
I'm a jet set player yeah I'm doing life right
Rooftop party man them flashing lights bright
Big shot talking girl I do it all night
Don't stop win it girl let's get it right
Party in the penthouse Trump Tower
Private jets any hour
Day or week
Dripping all them diamonds diamonds platinum
In my earrings so classy
Living like high rollers that one percent
Yeah we do it how we do it
And then we do it again
'Cause we're the high rollers don't forget
Yeah we in it just to win it there's no limits we bet
'Cause we're the hi-i-i-i-i high rollers
We're the hi-i-i-i-i high rollers
We're the hi-i-i-i-i high rollers
We're the hi-i-i-i-i high rollers
Call me Cool Hand Luke
'Cause man I really can't lose
Party with my people...
-Hicks: Man, they got some fine mamacitas up there!
-I knew it. I knew it. I hate them.
I'm so jealous of the fun that they have.
You know what you do when you're a real cop in a real town?
You arrest people, you put them in handcuffs.
Now look at me.
There's fish underneath us right now.
Fuckin' fish. I go to work with fish.
-(sighs)
-Hey, what do you bench anyway?
Are you a rep guy or a max guy?
-(music continues)
-Out of my way!
-Man: What the hell?
-Ken Doll-looking motherfucker.
Ma'am? Sorry, I just wanted to make sure
you didn't need anything.
It can get kind of unsteady out there.
-What I need is fresh air.
It's rather pungent upstairs.
Like sweat mixed with...failure.
Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to enjoy the view.
-(screams)
-Max! Eomma overboard!
Eomma is overboard!
-(both laughing)
-Oh, wow! -Oh!
When do we get to see your boyfriend's rage face?
Does he even have one?
-Greg's not much of a dancer.
-Well, I'm sure he has plenty of other fun,
youthful, carefree qualities.
-(laughs sarcastically)
-Save me, you mofos!
-Don't worry, I got you!
-Wait! No! Don't touch me!
-What?
-Black people can't swim!
-Oh! Oh, damn!
-(both laughing)
-We had fun though, didn't we?
-Always.
-Um--
-Is everything okay? Are you sick?
-Uh...
Kiley...ever since we were kids,
I've always wanted to tell you--
-Oh, my God, Max. Eomma's in the water.
-What? -Loo--
-Okay, okay, okay.
Just let me say what I was about to say--
-No, go! In the water!
Max, go! Give me the jacket! Just--
-Sean: Max! Max!
-Calm down. I'm trying to help!
-Hey! I was finally alone with Kiley.
It was the perfect moment!
What's the matter? You forget how to save old ladies?
-She's racist! -She's not racist.
She's Asian, man! Asians can't be racist.
She's just old. (screaming)
-Eomma: White devil!
-White devil? -White devil!
-She is racist.
-What the hell is going on down there?
-Um, Greg's Eomma fell overboard.
Max went in to save her,
but I don't know why there's so much splashing.
-Because she's drowning. Lucky bitch.
-Don't worry, ladies! I got this under control!
BRB.
-(Jonathan laughing)
-Is that guy slow or something?
-Uh, no. He just lives on Planet Jonathan.
It took me six weeks to train him.
-Oh! Not that asshole too!
-Help! I'm a very poor swimmer!
-What are you doing out here if you can't swim?
-I was trying to impress Kiley's sister!
-What?
-Help!
-I'll save her. You help this idiot.
-Max! Don't let me die! -Max: I got you.
Max! Don't let me die!
-I got you, just stop poking me with your keys.
-What keys?
-Kiley: Oh, my God!
-Nobody panic.
I'm a highly trained aquatic professional.
I am not gonna let you die!
I am not gonna let you die!
-Oh! -Oh!
-(groans and coughs)
-Oh, my God! He's got a boner!
-Dude, I was already hard when I started kissing her.
-Woman: Kissing her? -What the hell's going on down here?
Eomma, are you okay?
-Becky: Oh, my God! This shit is going viral!
-We're gonna need a bigger boat.
-You sure you're okay, Eomma?
-I'm fine. Stop fussing over me.
-(softly): Do you still have the ring?
-You gotta be careful with this. I don't trust the black guy.
Now, someone get me some aspirin.
My head is throbbing like that bartender's cock.
Hurry! Oh, jeez.
-Here you go.
Uh-- It's-- Okay.
You know what? Here. Take two.
-Eomma: Ooh.
-Dude, what were you thinking?
Full mast?
So soon?
We don't want to scare Lauren,
we wanna...woo her, all right?
Don't get me wrong...
it was impressive the way you handled that cold water.
You didn't back down for a second.
Look, I know how you can get, right?
You wanna-- you wanna rush in there,
you wanna save the day, we all do, be the hero.
I need you to be patient... and trust me. Okay?
That's all I need.
I need you to stand down, soldier.
(sighs)
That a boy. That...a...boy.
-Bro, you told me you fixed the railing!
-I did! Which railing were you talking about?
-Dude, this shit is awesome!
-You delete that video!
-Freedom of the press, dude!
-Yeah, don't censor her.
-I can't believe I trusted you.
A woman almost died.
And you're uploading the evidence to Instagram?
-Come on, Sean.
Chuckie Walsh has never even heard of Instagram.
-These guys are dumber than we thought.
-Yeah. Only three hashtags?
What losers.
-Total losers. What's a hashtag?
-It's-- -I'm talking about the old lady
almost dying.
-Oh.
Why don't we just go in?
-We can't go in, because the old lady has to be dead.
Unfortunately, she didn't die.
-Right.
You're kidding, right?
-Is that a home perm?
I want to get one, but I don't think I have enough hair.
-All right, that's it.
I'm getting this party back under control. Give it up.
-Give what up?
-Max. -Sean.
-Max.
-Sean.
-From now on, we're sticking to the script.
-(dance music playing)
-(soft jazz music playing)
-It's time to call in the big guns.
-Walsh: What are these guys gonna do next?
Look at this! Nobody's wearing a life-vest.
That's just safety!
-(screaming)
Who among ye be ready to die?
-'Cause as of this moment...
(cackles)
...we pirates be taking over this boat.
-And we be taking you to...Fun Town!
-Ha ha ha! Arrr! -Yes! There they are!
Hey, guys!
-(Kiley gasps)
Max! Water war?
-Water war!
-(laughs)
-Male pirate: Two teams there be:
Red the color of blood
and blue the color of the sea.
-Female pirate: The rules are simple.
Only head shots count.
-Male pirate: Three headshots, and ye be out!
-Female pirate: Where ye is shot, there ye shall fall.
-Male pirate: Last one standing be the winner!
-Female pirate: Are ye ready?
Are ye set!
-Both: Go!
-Ha ha!
Fly, Carmichael, fly!
-(screaming)
-You go right, and I go left.
-I feel like he's right in front of us.
-I know, I just wanted to feel cool.
You know, like an assassin.
-Aww, you're my little assassin.
-(women screaming)
-You guys are on the same team!
-(gunshot)
-(click)
-(gunshot)
-Why?
Why, Little J? Why was she immune
to all of our fire power?
Both barrels, both guns? (imitating gunfire)
The plot thickens, doesn't it?
Hmmm, Lauren and I are going to have beautiful babies.
So beautiful. Ooh! It kicked!
(chuckles)
-'Cause it's a soccer ball! Get it? It kicked it!
-Murder on the high seas
part of one of your lists, Greggy-boy?
-Oh! Save yourself!
Save yourself, baby!
(grunting)
I'll always...love you.
-No!
-Sorry, Max. But it's my party.
-Just, uh, wait-- Just one second.
Just-- You can, but just wait one second.
Jonathan, hit it!
Uh, Jonathan!
Can you hit it?
-On it! I'll hit it!
-(music playing) -(Kiley gasps)
-(both singing along) One, you're like a dream come true
Two, just wanna be with you
Three, girl, it's plain to see
That you're the only one for me
Four, repeat steps one through three
Five, make you fall in love with me
If ever I believe my work is done
Then I'll start back at one
Yeah yeah
So...
-Walsh: All right, where we at now?
-Uhh, we peaked at 73 decibels.
And the lake limit is 80.
-Dammit!
The silky, dulcet tones of Brian McKnight
are not getting us there.
-Hey, uh, you don't think you're going off the deep end
a little too much there, Chuck?
-I have not gone nearly deep enough.
-(music continues in distance)
-Jonathan: Max! Dude, yeah. Yeah.
-Yeah! Yeah. -What the hell was that?
How was I supposed to know that was their song?
-Oh, my goodness, that was amazing!
How'd you know that was Greg and I's karaoke song?
-I didn't! I-I thought it was our song!
You remember the eighth grade trip to D.C.
We wore that song out!
-Brian McKnight is Greg's spirit animal.
You're the best!
-You're welcome!
(sighs)
-Dude, that was genius!
-Oh, yeah? -See, I thought you were going rogue with the pirates
but a nostalgic watergun fight
moving seamlessly into a romantic dance moment?
That's next level shit!
-I like it. Keep it up. -Sure.
-There's no sign of lake patrol. You keep it up.
-Yeah, man, I meant to do it!
-Max! You were so right! That Kiley chick is so cool!
I mean, holy shit, her drinks are awesome.
She is the Nicki Minaj to your Nickelback.
-Nickelback is misunderstood!
-And I could mix circles around Kiley. -(scoffs)
-I don't know about circles.
In fact...
Ill bet you that you couldn't.
-(laughing)
That...was...awesome! That was great!
-(both laugh)
-That was great. -Hey. You.
It was you. All day. Mow-wow-wow.
-Female pirate: Okay, let's get outta here.
-You're not going anywhere, water scum.
Say bye-bye! (grunts)
-Lady! That's a rental! -That's our boat!
-You thought you could take me out, didn't you?
-You do know we're party pirates, right?
We had a bar mitzvah last night.
My Father was a Kuk Sool master.
Hand-to-hand combat. Up close and personal.
-(screams)
-Everything he learned, he passed on to me.
Now, back! Back off!
Get in there! Get in there!
Now!
Get in there!
Baby baby baby baby baby
-That's how I won the war.
That's right. Took this baby all the way
-to Vietnam. -(clears throat)
-What?
-(Jonathan singing)
-What?
-You wanna bang Jonathan.
-Supersoaker? I don't think so.
-Come on. That's why I brought you here.
-How long has it been? -It's...forever.
It's been forever.
-Yeah, exactly. (clicking tongue)
On my boat pourin' drinks for ladies...
-My ex-husband left me for methmouth.
-So what?
-So, clearly, having sex with me
is like riding a rusty Ferris wheel.
-So let him scrape off some rust and lube you up!
-Excuse me, princess. But I need to steal the guest of honor
to help me settle a bet. Okay?
-What the hell is he doin' now?
-Are you even-- -Hicks: I can't see. I don't have binoculars.
-(guests cheering)
-Ladies and gentlemen! Boys and girls!
It's time to settle this one once and for all.
Who is the best party boat bartender
on all of Lake Everett? Now here are the rules.
You'll be making three drinks...
in three different rounds.
The best two out of three drinks
will win the entire competition.
-Too easy.
-Total cakewalk. -Who's the judge?
-Drink number one: Your very best rum cocktail.
-Ooh!
-You only have one minute for each round.
Your time...
starts...
(whispering): now.
-(guests cheering)
-Max: All right, flexing is not part of the competition. Okay?
All right, there she goes.
Looks like she's going for something modern
and sophisticated.
Meanwhile, Jonathan is just smashing citrus fruits.
Whoa! Behind the back!
Nice move from Jonathan. He actually caught it.
Shake that shaker, girl!
Are you ready for Kiley or are you ready for Jonathan!
-Sean's taking all bets! -(guests chanting "Kiley")
-Who do you got? Who do you got?
Something's coming together,
looks like a fruity daiquiri of some kind.
All right, all right, here we go!
And time! Time! Time!
Stop. Stop. Back away, missy!
Back away.
Lauren?
-I call it "Girls, We Rum the World."
-(chuckles) -Woman: Yeah, ladies!
-(slurps)
-(guests applauding) -Lauren: Very nice.
-I call that the "Crooked Cock and Hairy Balls."
-(guests laughing)
-(Lauren clears throat)
-Max: Okay. Yeah. -Just--
Yeah. I'm just gonna call this one. Winner!
-Woman: Whoo! -What?
-Woman: Go, Kiley!
-All right, round numero dos.
Let's keep it easy.
-Shots. -Greg: You can do it, sweetie.
-Thanks, babe.
-Max: Ready?
Go.
Oh, God, Jonathan, what are you doing?
-Uh, could you pass me that gin?
-That's not a health code violation, ladies!
He's been tested!
That's a health code violation!
All right, looks like they're almost done.
Who likes shots? You like shots?
You like shots. You like shots. You like shots.
You get a shot. And you get a shot.
And you get a shot.
All right, Kiley's just finishing up.
Here comes-- It's getting right down to the wire.
Jonathan better hurry up.
Five, four, three... (chuckles)
two, one, time! Time. Time. Time.
-(buzzer sounds)
Whoo!
Shots.
-This is a "Dirty Harry."
Do you feel lucky? Bitch?
-Uh, it's definitely dirty.
-All right, well,
in honor of my Dr. Greg,
who's thrown such a wonderful party,
please enjoy some "Novocaine."
What?
Impossible.
Mmm. Oh, God, gross.
Greg, I told you to give me gin, not vodka.
-I-I'm sorry.
-Never trust an orthodontist!
Jonathan takes round two.
And now, for the final and most important round.
Bartender's choice.
You have one minute...
to prepare...
any drink you want.
And the clock...starts now.
-(guests cheering)
-Max: It all comes down to this, party people!
The master versus the moron!
Will Kiley keep her title?
Will Jonathan remember to keep his shorts on?
It's anybody's game!
Oh, oh, he's walking away! He's walking away!
Oh! He's comin back! Here he comes!
Oh, he's got nothing on her!
Three, two, one!
Hands up. Drinks down.
All right.
-Kiley: This, I call a "Quarter-Life Crisis."
Something we all know a thing or two about.
-Oh, shit. That's good, girl.
-Uh-huh, whatever.
Who needs good when you have...
the "Dwayne Johnson."
Strong as hell, but everybody thinks it's over-rated.
But they're wrong.
-Max: Survey says...
-Jonathan: Oh, yes, there you went!
Ba-ba-ba-ba. Ba-ba-ba-ba.
-That means that the winner and still
reigning champion of the Lake Everett
party boat bartender extravaganza is...
The Kileynator! Yeah!
-Jonathan: Are you kidding me? Max!
-Yes! Yes! -Max: Whoo!
-Woman: Whoo! -Wow!
-Dude, that was so much fun. -Mm.
So...what do I win?
-Oh. Well, I do have one more surprise for you.
-Follow me. -Of course you do.
I'll be right back, babe.
-Let's go.
That was amazing. Whoo!
-That was good.
She's still got it. (chuckles)
-I think I need to move this proposal up.
-Sure thing. When? -To now.
-Okay, uh, I just need to cue up a few-- -No, no, no, sorry.
Let me put this another way.
If you don't get Max under control
and you don't pull this proposal off without a hitch,
I'm not paying for any of this. You understand?
-Yeah.
-This way, right this way. -What are--
-My birthday surprise is a trip to the storage room?
-Not exactly, I gotta find it. Just, uh--
-Oh, my God,
you still have this old thing?
-Oh, yeah. I love this hoodie!
-Whatever happened to my red hoodie?
-Currently, it is being worn by a mechanical large-mouthed bass
-at the bottom of the lake. -Oh.
-Now I'm jealous of a cozy, singing fish.
-Spotlight good? -Greg: Sean,
I can't find Kiley anywhere.
-Hey, everything is all good. I got it set.
-We're ready to go-- -No. I need to find her now.
-Let's go. -Okay.
-Whoa! (gasps)
Do you remember this?
-Diver Dan.
Came out of retirement at his own party
to jump in the lake and save that entire family.
-Oh, what a legend. -Yeah.
-(laughing)
Hey.
-The nurses! The spring fling, right?
-Yeah! By the end of the night,
they were giving each other IV drips.
-That's not all they were giving each other. -(laughs)
Ah-hah! I found it!
-What?
-This.
-What is this?
-This is the flower that I gave you
the night of your last party ever on the boat.
-Senior's last dance!
-Yes! Yeah. -I remember you gave it to me at the bar!
-Yeah.
-Why do you still have this?
-Just needed a memento.
-Of a high school graduation party?
-Of the night...that I knew...
-That you knew what?
-That I knew that-- -(door opens)
-There you are. I've been looking for you!
-Uh, Max was helping me find my bartending prize.
-Yep! And we're still looking for it so--
-Could you come back to the deck, baby?
There's something I wanna show you.
-More surprises! -Well...
it's a surprise in that it's something
I've meticulously planned for months,
preparing for every contingency,
leaving no room for unplanned results.
-So, yeah! Sure! -Cool.
-Get out of my way. -I can't have you messing up the program.
-And I can't have Kiley marrying that jackass.
-I know you love her.
I know you've loved her since forever,
but stopping him from what he's about to do right now
is not the right move, man.
-Oh, what.
It's all about money, I'm assuming, huh?
-Oh, you mean that thing we have none of
because every time we leave the marina,
you find a way to get us fined.
-Money is your thing!
So you deal with it.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Sean! Come on! What are you doing?
-Sean: I'm dealing with it!
-First mates forever?
-(door knob rattles)
-(sighs)
I'm sorry.
I screwed everything up. I thought my,
my bartending prowess could get the job done.
I needed your energy up there.
Your spark.
Okay,
let's keep it together, man, okay?
If we dig deep and work as a team,
we can find a way to get Lauren's heart racing.
I have an idea.
Follow me.
-Tough loss.
-Mmm, I threw it on purpose.
Made a bet with Max that I'd win.
Mm.
Come on. I want to show you something.
-Okay.
-In Korea, this is called jug-eum-ui chum...
the Dance of Death.
Throughout his entire life, my father was undefeated
and tonight, I will continue his legacy.
Aaaaaah!
(grunts)
Now you.
-Stupid slow finger.
Man, this is the bullshit I'm talking about.
(breathing deeply)
A tisket a tasket a green and yellow basket
-Pathetic!
-Father, guide my hand.
-(guests cheering)
-Who is the victor? -Crowd: Eomma!
-Who is the victor? -Crowd: Eomma!
-Who is the victor? -Crowd: Eomma!
-Both: Oh! -Oh!
-Crowd: Oh!
-Eternal shame!
(screaming)
-Greg: Can I get everybody up on the main deck please.
-You're going through some heavy stuff right now, aren't you? -Yes.
-Divorce. Heartbreak. Self-loathing. -Yes.
-Mmm. Colors are muted, food has no taste. -Yes!
-What do you need, Lauren?
-I need--
-What do you need?
-I need...
-that Dwayne Johnson. -Hmm.
-Testing. Testing. Testing, one, two, three.
K-I-L-E-Y.
L-O-V-E.
Y-O-U.
Lights!
-(soft jazz music playing)
-Good evening, everybody.
I'm up here because I have something very important to say.
So here goes.
-(grunts)
Oh! Ah!
-Lauren: Okay, okay.
-Kiley...
you are the center of my universe.
You're the light...
that illuminates my life.
-(panting)
Well, it's a good thing I am one negligent bastard.
-Oh, yeah.
-(grunting)
-Walsh: What the hell is he doing?
-I remember the first day that we met.
I saw you from across the room.
You threw your head back, and you started to laugh.
It was the most beautiful smile I've ever seen.
-Crowd: Aww. -Aww.
-I knew from that instant that my life
would never be the same.
But here's the thing:
If you all know Kiley,
you know what her favorite show is, right?
-Crowd: So You Think You Can Dance!
-So You Think You Can Dance!
-Jonathan: Okay. All right. -Lauren: Come on! Come on.
-She never misses an episode,
which means,
for better or worse, I never miss an episode.
-(laughing)
-So a few months back...
I was thinking how can I make tonight extra special.
-And so... -No.
-Yes! -No. Really?
(gasps)
-Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! -Okay. Okay.
-Come on up here, guys!
-Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
-Oh, God! This is incredible.
-(snaps fingers) Hit the music, Sean.
-(music playing)
-(guests cheering)
Jump left right up and down
Left right up and down
-Ha!
-Oh!
-This is gonna be fun. (grunting)
Left right up and down stop
Show me something...
-What the hell's gotten into you?
-Aspirin. -Oh, no!
Greg's mom! Those weren't aspirin.
-Sweet dreams, boy band.
-Oh! Ah!
-Oh, yes! Oh, yes!
-(music continues)
-(grunting and panting)
-Oh!
Jump left right up and down
Left right up and down
Left right up and down
Left right up and down...
-(screaming)
-Oh! Oh! Oh, yes! -(Lauren screaming)
Stop show me something
-(grunting)
(screaming)
-(music continues)
-(grunting)
-(guests cheering)
-Lauren: Oh, my God! Oh!
-Shhh! -(Eomma grunts)
-Make sure you drink a lot of water tomorrow, okay?
You won't remember a thing.
-(screaming)
-(music continues)
-Ah!
-Guests: Oh! -Kiley: Greg!
-Oh! Oh, my God. -Greg: Ah!
-Kiley: Oh! -Greg: I'm okay. I'm okay.
(grunting)
Good dancing, guys.
Okay, now...
now for the main event.
-No--
-Eomma! Eomma, could you join us on the dance floor?
-Greg, You need to go to a hospital.
-What I need...is Eomma to be on the mark!
Screw it.
-I'm fine. Aah! Oh!
Kiley...Abigail Miller...
will you marry me?
Please?
Will you marry me?
-I-- (stammers)
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
-Hey! Oh, you okay?
-What the hell was that? -W-W--
-You just threw a buoy at my boyfriend!
-First of all, it's not called a buoy, it's called a fender.
But what the hell was that though? Right?
-I just thought it was a birthday dance.
I had no idea he was gonna propose.
-Well, it's okay. You did the right thing.
-I just need time...to think.
It's weird being back on this boat with you and Sean.
-Good weird though...right?
-I don't know.
I guess. Yeah.
-So...my whole life I've had this idea of the perfect moment.
But now, I think that maybe,
you know, sometimes you just got to take a leap of faith.
-So... -So I should marry Greg?
-No, I mean that I need to take a leap of faith.
Because I love you.
-Yeah, I love you too.
-No, I mean... I'm in love with you.
-Shit!
-I know. (chuckles)
-You know, you could not have picked
a shittier time to dump this on me.
-Oh, hey. Hey, hey, hey, come on.
It could be you and me. Like it always was.
Just having fun. Living in the moment,
partying on the boat all the time.
It's just that now, there would be...
a little kissing thrown in.
-Come on, Max.
-Lauren: That was...
-Yeah! It really was.
-I only hit my head like a thousand times.
-I only pulled my groin twice!
-(both laugh)
-You wanna know something?
-What?
-I knew from the second I saw you
that we had the most... amazing connection.
-Shut up. -No, I'm serious.
You wanna know how serious I am?
When I saw Max,
I bet him twenty bucks we'd get together.
-What? -Yeah.
Which is something we do, uh, but normally, I don't win,
or I do win, but I can never provide proof.
-I can't believe this.
-No, no, no. I-I'm saying I-I normally lose the bet,
b-but I saw my soulmate
and when you have a soulmate, you can't lose!
I'm making this worse, aren't I?
-Actually...
no.
I've never been the subject of a sex bet.
It feels awesome.
-I don't want you to worry about a thing, Greg.
I'm gonna get us back to the marina. Okay?
-What's the point?
Just throw me overboard.
-Hey, Sean-- -No-- I need you to take this
and, uh, get some ice for Dr. Kim's leg. Okay?
-But, Sean-- -Why aren't we moving?
-That's what I'm trying to tell you.
I think we ran out of gas.
-What? -Woman: Did he just say we're out--
-Go get the ice.
-Um, look, you relax this leg.
Excuse me for one second. I'll be right back.
-Man: Are we stranded?
-(guests murmuring)
-(Eomma crying)
-Eomma? Are you okay?
-I-I lost the Dance of Death
and was defeated in battle by a pasty manchild.
My father is looking down on me with shame.
-Hey, you can't let his approval run your life.
-Look...
Eight years ago...
I told my father that I like women,
and he totally freaked out.
And then fortunately, I haven't spoken to him since.
But that's on him and not me.
Understand?
-I think I do.
Thank you.
-You're welcome.
Can I help you...
get out of this?
-Max: Hey! There you are!
Guess what? I finally told-- Whoa!
-Hey! What is-- -Come on.
-Hey, What's up?
-You said you filled the gas!
-Ha! I say a lot of things.
-We're stranded out here.
And if I call lake patrol, we're totally screwed.
-Lake patrol, really?
You're still afraid of those guys?
You've been letting Walsh push you around
-ever since high school. -They're not pushing me around, Max!
They're trying to kick us off this lake!
That's our business. The one that you have again
put yourself ahead of.
You've compromised everything we ever worked for.
-We can find more money. -No, we can't! There's no more money!
-Have I ever let you down before? -Yes!
-Fair enough!
-There is no way that Greg is gonna pay for this party
after you just ruined his proposal.
You know what?
We're done.
-What, you don't want to be partners anymore?
-I don't know if I even want to be your friend.
-Oh!
-(scraping and thudding)
-You hear that?
-(scraping and thudding continues)
-Wait, what the hell is that.
-Woman: Is Greg about to jump?
-Greg, what the hell are you doing?
-Greg: Leave me alone, Max!
-And there it is. Someone's finally going to die.
-Just...go get Kiley.
Greg?
Why don't you just come back to the party, man?
You know? Show us some more of those cool dance moves.
-I think I broke my ankle.
Yeah, um...
Listen, man, about that. I'm really sorry. Okay?
I just-- I got really... carried away.
-Yeah, so did I.
I don't know what I was thinking.
-Well, you were thinking about sweeping her off her feet, man.
It's a poor choice of words. I'm sorry. I--
-Hey, hey. Wait, wait, wait!
-Hey. Uh. Yeah. Quick question.
Why aren't we movin'?
I was actually just reading some of your Yelp reviews,
and apparently you guys are pretty...
-Kiley? -...well known for running out of gas.
-Kiley? Kiley?
-Yeah. Okay. Good talk.
-Whats up? -Greg's up front,
-says he's gonna jump. -Shit!
Greg doesn't know how to swim.
-I'm telling everyone
you guys are irresponsible and incompetent.
-Yeah, why haven't you called for help?
-Fine, you know what? What's the point.
Everyone hold tight while I call lake patrol.
-Greg. Greg, what are you doing?
I'm sorry, I couldn't say...yes to your proposal
in front of all those people.
-You were never going to say yes.
I clean teeth, and I wear seersucker.
-Yeah, but you were rockin' it, man!
-Lake patrol, this is S.S. Party Boat. Come in, over.
Well, well, well. Let me guess,
that menace of a ship of yours ran out of gas,
you've got a passenger that's about
to commit harakari off the bow,
and you're on this radio to beg for mercy.
Well, guess what?
You're not getting any mercy, Meadows.
No. Say the word.
I want to hear you say the word,
and we can call this off once and for all.
Over.
-I just wanted to say that
your people have the most beautiful skin.
And you are a wonderful, wonderful swimmer.
-Uhh, you okay?
-Flyin' high.
-(chuckles)
-(chuckles)
Mayday.
-Greg.
Baby, just come down.
Okay? We'll go to shore.
We'll get your leg fixed, and we will talk about this.
-You know, I always thought
Max didn't like me because I'm an orthodontist.
Tonight I realized it didn't have anything to do with me.
It was always about you.
I'm allergic to dogs, and I clean retainers.
I thought I could dance, but...
Now I know.
Oh, what's the point.
-Whoa, whoa! Hey! -Whoa! Hey, man!
Hey! Greg, We got you
a lifetime supply of Allegra at Costco.
You make people's smiles straighter.
Without you, I would have never opened the shelter.
You force me to believe in myself.
-Max: Greg...
it's Max again.
Uhm, I've known Kiley since fourth grade
and you've known her, what, two years?
So, that kind of makes you a Kiley novice.
-Shut up, Max! -No, no, no, I-I got this.
Trust me.
Greg, listen to me, you two left-footed
son of a bitch.
She loves you.
-No, she doesn't.
-Yes, she does.
Just tell him.
Come on, Kiley.
Just take the plunge.
Oh, no, no, no, no. Not--
Not you!
(softly): Jesus, this guy's so literal.
Hey,
you know what you have to do.
You can't be afraid to move forward.
I love you,
but so does he.
And I know that you love him.
You can do this.
Gregory Hampton Kim...
will you marry me?
-Attention, everyone!
I would like to present
the future Mr. and Mrs.--
-Nobody cares. Okay?
-What are you doing on our boat?
-Your buddy got on the radio and said those magic words.
Mayday, mayday, mayday! Which gives me
full authority to come on board
and commandeer your vessel,
so I'm commandeering your vessel.
Hicks over here is gonna write you guys so many tickets,
you'll never pay them off.
You'll think your student loan is a nickel
found in the couch.
I've waited ten years for tonight.
-Ten years since we...
caught you counseling that kid in the bathroom
and got you kicked off the force.
-Mmm.
What is that, Hi-C?
You're a pussy, and I'm embarrassed for you.
This is like a, what, a high school reunion?
Is that what you guys are doing here,
getting the gang back together?
You got the Hawaiian shirt guy.
We have the theater nerds, still playing dress-up.
What are you, forty? What are you doing?
What is this? We got the teen mom,
still trying to convince everybody she's still hot.
Mm-mm. Luke warm.
Very high luke warm, don't get me wrong.
There's the popular girl,
still playing with all the boys' heads.
Then we got the wise ass.
Everything you say gets everybody else in trouble.
You know that?
Then we have the know-it-all.
Well, guess what, Sean? You're not a know-it-all
because you partnered with a wise ass,
your boat ran out of gas and it sunk,
and that's why I'm here. You're done.
In two days, you guys are going to be pumping gas, you follow?
You're gonna be pump--
Wow.
There is- you can tear it.
Pumpin'-- Pumpin' gas.
Pumpin' ga-- Whoa!
Fishies. Pumping-- Pumping gas.
(singsongy): Pumping gas, pumping gas, pumping gas.
Pump's a funny word! There are two P's. Pumping gas!
-What in the hell is going on?
-So, you know how Chuck has been snatching cups out of my hand
and chugging 'em since we were freshman?
I took a couple of those Combo Locks
and put them in my drink.
-(singing): Pumping gas, pumping gas, I'm pumping gas.
Pumping gas.
Come on, let's go.
-Are you serious? -I am.
-Boogie-woogie-woogie-- -Whoo!
-Whoo! Volume!
-I believe Officer Walsh is asking for some volume.
Would you like to provide the man with some volume?
-I think I would.
-(dance music playing)
-(cheering)
-Are you sure you're okay?
-Yeah, Max gave me some aspirin!
Wha--
-Becky: Hey, sparky, what's your full name,
rank, and badge number?
-Lake Everett Patrolman Chuck Walsh,
badge number 2-5-5-3!
2-5-5-3! Whoo!
-And what are you doing on this boat?
-I'm tripping balls!
-What was that?
-I'm tripping balls!
Yeah, I'm tripping balls!
-(music continues)
-(guests cheering and shouting)
-Yo!
Sorry I dosed your partner, Hicks.
-Not even worried about it.
Looks like I'm getting bumped up.
-(laughing)
-Also...
looks like you won't be needing these citations.
-Hey!
My man!
-Let's party! -Let's party!
Hey, you wouldn't happen to have any spare gas, would you?
I think I got a few cans. Yeah.
-Let's party, man.
-Let's party.
-(cheering)
-(music continues)
-I gotta say,
epic party, Max.
-Thank you.
You know, I got some ideas on how to cut costs.
Get a little leaner,
except you'll have to show me the, uh--
-The books. -Yes!
Then again you'll have to tell me what the numbers mean.
-Absolutely.
But you do know tonight wasn't all about the money, right?
-I know.
I'm really proud of you, Seanie boy.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
-For what?
-Standing up to Walsh the way that you did.
That took--
-You know? -(Sean laughs)
-I also want to thank you for always having my back too.
Tonight, last week...
the last twenty years.
-Dude. First mates forever.
-Ah, Seanie,
I love ya. Always have.
-I love you too.
-Now... -Uh, there it is.
-Oh! Oh! -There it is.
-There it is. -Hold on. Hold on. Look at this.
-(music continues)
-Cheers.
-Mmm.
-Whoo! -What do you say
we show these people how to really party?
-Especially that girl right there.
-Right there? Let's go. -Yeah.
Let us dance til' dawn! Arrgh!
Body roll!
Fly, Carmichael. Arrr!
-(cheering)
-(music continues)
-That was the best party of my life!
I'm telling everyone you guys rock!
-Awesome.
-Please let me stay!
I wanna live on this boat!
-(Sean and Max chuckle)
-Thank you. -You don't gotta go home,
but you gotta get the hell out of here!
-Thank you, guys.
Eomma, I hope we showed you a good time.
-It was the night of my life.
-What the hell was that?
That's the S.S. Party Boat weaving its magic,
that's what that is.
-Uh, should we get breakfast?
-It's on me.
-Ooh. -(Lauren chuckles)
-That guy's crazy. It might work out.
-Guys, this is my masterpiece.
-Too bad you have to delete that. -Mm-hmm.
-Freedom of the press, no way!
-What! What happens on the party boat stays on the party boat.
-Stays.
-Guys,
I can't thank you enough.
-Oh, Greg, you don't have to do this.
Tha-That party was a disaster.
-Hey. She said yes, right?
Well, technically, she said no, but then you said yes.
-I'm a man of my word.
-You should really hang out with us more often, Greg.
-Really? -Max: Yeah.
-It's good with me, matey.
-Well, just take it easy on the mateys.
Okay?
-I'm gonna go catch up with my Eomma, all right?
-So, floating wedding next year?
Again, about everything, I'm really sorry and--
-Stop it. You threw a great party,
and you gave me the greatest proposal story of all time.
Anything for my first mate.
-Come here.
-L-Let go.
-Hmm? Oh, yeah. -Let go.
-My bad.
-Congratulations.
-Thanks, I'll see you soon.
-Sean: You got it.
-Wow. -Yep.
Our work here is done.
-And nobody died. -Nobody died
-(mugs clink)
(High Rollers by Photronique playing)
-Hey, Sean!
-You know what I was thinking? -What's that?
-Tahiti. -Tahiti?
-Tahiti. -You wanna do Tahiti?
-Absolutely. -We should do Tahiti.
-Sailboat.
-(both grunt)
-You like it? -Dude, I love it.
-You know what? I do like Tahiti.
-I'm telling you man, stick with me,
-I'll make all your dreams come true. -We're going places,
we're going places.
-Max: Tahiti! -(Sean laughs)
-We're coming for you, bitches.
-Oh, God. -No rush. There's no rush.
Hey, Hicks, what's Eddie Van Halen look like in real life?
-I don't know. Get to the bed.
-Three locks, three locks. -Get to the bed. Get to the bed.
-I'm going! You're not even on the bed.
-I know I'm not. -Oh, my God.
-You know what? You need a quesadilla. You need one.
-No, no, no, lay down. Lay down.
-Walsh! -What?
-Lay down! -I got muenster in the fridge.
-Lay down and relax!
-I'm relaxed, you're the one that's not relaxed.
-Alright, Walsh. I'll see you later.
Probably at your hearing.
-(laughs) At my hearing.
I can hear.
Hicksy, slide me over one of those buckets, okay?
-Which one?
-It's too early to tell.
-You know what, just scoot over.
You're too wasted to leave alone,
and I'm too tired to go home, so...
-Big spoon or little spoon?
-It's too early to tell.
Are you sure this bed is--
Oh, God.
-I can smell your sunscreen.
-Go to bed, Walsh.
-(High Rollers by Photronique playing)
I'm a jet set player yeah I'm doing life right
Rooftop party man them flashing lights bright
Big shot talking girl I do it all night
Don't stop win it girl let's get it right
Party in the penthouse Trump Tower
Private jets any hour
Day or week
Dripping all them diamonds diamonds platinum
In my earrings so classy
Living like high rollers that one percent
Yeah we do it how we do it
And then we do it again
'Cause we're the high rollers don't forget
Yeah we in it just to win it there's no limits we bet
'Cause we're the hi-i-i-i-i high rollers
We're the hi-i-i-i-i high rollers
We're the hi-i-i-i-i high rollers
We're the hi-i-i-i-i high rollers
Call me Cool Hand Luke
'Cause man I really can't lose
Party with my people please send me some more goose
Big yacht pimpin' sipping on some juice
I can't believe it man my life is true
Party in the penthouse Trump Tower
Private jets any hour
Day or week
Dripping all them diamonds diamonds platinum
In my earrings so classy
Living like high rollers that one percent
Yeah we do it how we do it
And then we do it again
'Cause we're the high rollers don't forget
Yeah we in it just to win it there's no limits we bet
We're the hi-i-i-i-i high rollers
We're the hi-i-i-i-i high rollers
We're the hi-i-i-i-i high rollers
We're the hi-i-i-i-i high rollers
Living like high rollers that one percent
Yeah we do it how we do it
And then we do it again
'Cause we're the high rollers don't forget
Yeah we in it just to win it there's no limits we bet
'Cause we're the hi-i-i-i-i high rollers
We're the hi-i-i-i-i high rollers
We're the hi-i-i-i-i high rollers
We're the hi-i-i-i-i high rollers
Roller rollers rollers rollers
Rollers rollers rollers rollers
Rollers rollers rollers