Party Bus to Hell (2017) Movie Script

[music playing]
We have to keep on going.
- They're coming.
- Wait, this isn't right.
- Yes. We have to go north.
- This isn't right.
Yes, it is.
We have to go this way.
Yeah, come on!
Wait, that isn't north!
Come back, wait.
I'm telling you,
the highway's over there.
- No, it's not, it's this way.
- No, you're wrong.
- Come with me, come on.
- Don't touch me, Lloyd.
If you don't come with me, you're dead.
We both are.
You know it. They're going to kill us.
Sacrifice us.
No, they're not.
Not us.
What did you do?
Do you think you tricked me?
You're one of them.
I was just trying
to save us.
- Liar!
- Darby...
the heat, the desert,
it's making you...
Crazy? I'll show you crazy.
Big mistake, bitch.
Come here, rip her tits off.
[music playing]
[brakes screech]
- I'm not that type of girl.
- What, do you have a penis?
What are you looking at?
Whoo-hoo, party town,
here I come.
- Hey, why aren't you set?
- Where's the fun in that?
Hey. On or off, what's it going to
be, I ain't got all day, sweetie.
- Where you headed?
- Black Rock City.
Where the only limits
are your imagination.
How much?
Money's not accepted
at Burning Man.
Only gifts.
Does that include
free rides?
It does today.
- Cool beans, thanks.
- [cheering]
[music playing]
We're on a party bus
A party bus to hell
We're on a party bus
Party bus to hell
All aboard the party bus
The fun has started
There ain't no going back
once this thing has departed
Nothing better than this
it's the trip of a lifetime
You know we're going to party
till the end of the line
We're on a party bus
Party bus to hell
Whoo! This bus rocks!
[all cheering]
Party bus to hell
[music playing]
Bus pop?
Melts in your mouth.
- Or any other place.
- [both giggling]
Oh, hell yeah.
On a party bus
Party bus to hell
Hey, where's my shirt?
- Where did you last see it?
- On my chest?
But then I got high.
You sure did. Oh!
To hell
We're on a party bus
Party bus to...
Take it off, take if off!
Take it off!
Honey, honey, honey, Burning
Man is not a PG-13 event.
There's going to be
drugs, nudity,
and sex and art and nudity
and music and graphic nudity.
- Guys and girls...
- Wee!
I know what I'm getting
myself into.
And what you're not.
limits, rules.
Not in the sex dome, I hear, 5,000
sex enthusiasts ready to orgy.
Why do you have
so many clothes on?
- Sorry.
- I'm not.
Where are we?
On a party bus,
heading to the Burning Man festival
in Black Rock City, Nevada.
It's a place to be yourself
and become something better.
That sounds fun,
I want to go to there.
Well, you're in luck,
this is my third burn.
I go mostly
for the art exhibits.
Oh, you got something there.
What is it?
A smudge?
No, just the nipple.
A beautiful, perfect nipple.
Didn't anyone
hear me banging?
I've been trapped
in there over an hour.
- With my shirt.
- Huh?
But you gifted it to me.
Unlikely story, pre-vert.
Hmm, that's better.
[music playing]
She said
it feels so wrong
But it's gotta be right
Nice, hold that.
Hold it to your right.
It feels so wrong,
but it's gotta be right
It feels so wrong,
but it's gotta be right
That's great, Kim, perfect.
You're beautiful.
Now just lose the top.
Do you think that'd be
a little gratuitous, Jay?
There's no such thing
as gratuitous female nudity.
It's all in your mind.
Pretty sure
it'd be all my body.
Would it help
if I was topless too?
He's trying to kill me.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Help me!
They're trying to kill me.
Help! Please.
Help me.
They're trying to kill me.
It's them. The desert.
They're alive.
They can hear someone else.
Everything they say.
They're out there,
they're listening.
They're gonna get us
right now.
I swear to Mike...
Darling, there's nobody here
but us.
No, no.
No, no.
That's what
they want you to think.
They're here.
Everything that you say,
they turn around and they'll
use it against you.
They hear everything
you're saying.
Your deepest, darkest fears.
They'll pick up a reality.
They're here.
We're surrounded.
- Deepest, darkest fears?
- Deepest, darkest fears.
You mean, like...
like mummies?
Yes, yes, like mummies.
- Like fucking mummies.
- [screams]
They're up here,
they're on us now.
Mummies? Really, Kim?
- Nobody's afraid of mummies.
- Like mummies.
- I am.
- [growling]
[Kim screaming]
Me, too.
Come, motherfucker.
[mummy groans]
I hate fucking mummies.
I said
I hate fucking mummies.
So, how much longer?
A few hours.
Yeah, we had a bit
of a late start.
I'm not pointing any fingers.
I just wanted to know
if there's anything
we could do
to make up some time.
Yeah, there is,
we're already doing it.
- We left the highway?
- Yeah.
About five minutes ago.
This ride may get
a bit bumpy,
but the route should shave
about five hours off.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Oh, shit.
Warned you.
The ride may get a bit bumpy.
You're so fucked.
See, I told you.
What the hell
is the driver on? Acid?
A shortcut. Relax, Alan,
we're making good time.
We better be. This ride
ain't cheap, you know.
I gave up a hunting trip
in Africa for this.
Well, there's better music and plenty
of eye candy of the female variety.
It's pretty amazing.
It doesn't matter
if you're rich or poor,
just as long as you bring enough
condoms and toilet paper.
And I did not forget
the Viagra either.
- Ooh, Viagra's a good gift.
- Not a gift. It's for me.
My gift is my dick.
- [brakes hiss]
- Are we there?
Come on. Aw.
Hey. Everybody out.
We're just making
a quick pit stop.
Gonna check the wheel
tire pressure.
So, sit tight.
We'll be back on the road
before you know it.
No problem, as long as
we get there tonight.
Don't worry, sweetie,
it's going to be the night
of your life.
Hey, who's up for 100 bottles
of beer on the wall?
- I am.
- Me! I'll have a beer.
Me, too.
Oh, no, the song,
not real beers, you know.
100 bottles of beer
on the wall
100 bottles of beer
[all] Take one down,
pass it around
99 bottles of beer
on the wall
99 bottles of beer
Take one down,
pass it around
99 bottles of beer
on the wall
[all singing]
Hey, Lara, will you...
will you help me in the
bathroom with something?
- With what?
- You'll see.
- [giggles]
- [singing continues]
Great, and I have to pee.
There's a whole desert
out there.
Just think of it
as one giant sandbox.
Thanks, I'll hold it.
- Mmm.
- [Lara] Oh.
Oh, oh.
Oh, my God.
You've got a strong bladder
there, honey.
[man] That's what
I'm talking about.
Young love,
it's a beautiful thing!
[man #2] Yeah.
[man #3] Rock that pussy!
Where are you going?
Stretch my legs.
She told us not
to leave the bus.
Drivers do not tell the
paying customer what to do.
Other way around, buddy.
Learn it, live it, love it.
Keep the groove
so we can dance
Keep the groove
so we can dance
Keep the groove
so we can dance
Krystal, if you're giving dance
seminars at Burning Man, sign me up.
- What are you offering?
- Free massages.
And for you as well.
Come on, let's party.
Oh, I love communing
with nature.
[man] Looks like it's
going to be a nice night.
- Once we ever get there.
- Well, you know what they say.
It's not about the destination but
enjoying the journey that matters.
And who are "they," exactly?
Oh, they? They are those who
know and say things of wisdom.
Well, I don't know them,
and I don't know you, either.
Oh, sorry, Stuart Parker, veterinarian.
Pleasure to meet you.
Oh, Alan Armstrong,
rich-as-fuck entrepreneur
and wild game hunter
on the side, but,
I'll happily kill
any type of animal.
I'm not picky.
I see.
- That wasn't very nice.
- I didn't come here to be nice.
I came here to fuck, do drugs,
get fucked up,
and then fuck some more.
In that order. You?
I don't know,
maybe meet a girl?
Settle down, have some kids.
I'm kidding.
Everything you said times two.
That's my boy.
Make an asshole out of you yet.
Does anyone else get any
cell phone service out here?
No, we must be in a dead zone.
Get used to it.
Hey, yo, man.
Anybody seen our bus driver?
She's not back here
or anywhere.
Typical. We should have
taken my dad's chopper.
Have to skydive in.
People have.
Peter, you did not tell me
that was an option.
Yo, don't MOOP.
- Excuse me?
- MOOP. Mess Out of Place.
At Burning Man we leave
nothing behind, it's a rule.
Rules are made to be broken.
Oh, my God!
What the hell are you
yelling about now?
- Peter. Peter?
- Yeah?
Look over there.
It looks like
we hit something.
No, we didn't.
We weren't driving.
- [rattling]
- What are you doing?
Warren, I really have to pee.
Ugh, you don't need my help, okay,
so just pick a spot and squat.
I think you need a key
to get in there.
If we had a gun,
we could shoot it out.
Yeah, only problem is my gun
is inside my luggage,
which is inside
this compartment!
Whoa, a gun?
You brought a gun
to Burning Man?
I don't think they allow
guns at the festival.
Well, better safe
than stupid.
Ugh, I'm so darn pissed. Ugh, if
Warren pisses me off one more time.
Ugh, God.
Hey, guys,
this one's unlocked.
It's stuck.
Oh, what the fuck?
Yo, that is not
our bus driver.
Actually, I think it is.
Then who the hell's been
driving us this whole time?
- Good fucking question.
- Ugh.
[sighs] Sure, just pee
whenever you want.
Oh, God, I don't want
to be here.
this is so embarrassing.
Okay, I can do this.
- [growls]
- [screams]
- [screaming]
- [Peter] Everyone!
Back to the bus, now!
[all screaming]
Oh, hell nah.
You don't know who you fu...
[screaming in distance]
Run little piggies. Run!
Help me!
Do you know how
to drive this thing?
- Not without the keys.
- She must have
taken them with her.
- I wanna go home!
- Get us out of here!
Know how
to hot-wire a bus, doll?
Let's go,
let's go, let's go.
Chill out, man, we're out.
Yeah, bathroom's all yours,
quit rocking the boat.
This is a bus,
and we're not doing it.
This can't be happening. I didn't
even want to come on this trip.
It was a pinky dare
by my friends.
They said
I wasn't outgoing enough.
"Oh, Stuart,
you need to live life.
You need to get out more,
be more social." Bullshit!
State-of-the-art transport,
Bulletproof glass,
reinforced steel frame,
we're practically
in a fucking tank.
[mimicking bird call]
- Who are they?
- [Peter] I don't know.
Desert dwelling nomads.
They came out of nowhere.
It's like they were
waiting for us.
Best guess, they were.
Seriously? You didn't hear anything
that was going on outside?
We were... preoccupied.
- My phone isn't working.
- [woman] Nobody's is.
Okay, bad news.
Our driver took off with the
keys, so we're stuck here.
Good news, I don't think
they can get in.
I researched this company
before I booked this trip.
This is a very sturdy bus, the windows
are shatterproof, steel frame.
This vehicle was meant
to withstand
the worst
impact scenarios.
Does that include
desert dweller rejects
who've watched the Mad Max
series one too many times?
- Yeah, who the hell are they?
- They?
Well, they are the ones who are
out there and trying to kill us.
Well, where is the bus driver?
I mean, if she's out there
dead somewhere,
maybe she still
has the keys on her?
And one of us could go...
Oh, the bus driver
is out there all right.
But I don't think
she's dead.
That's a good thing, no?
Because I don't think
she's on our side, either.
We found the real bus driver
in the luggage compartment
in the back.
- She's dead.
- Dead?
Yeah, it's a side effect
of being murdered.
That's... that's just great.
Just fan-fucking-tastic.
What are we going to do now?
Say "game over"
and I will fucking hit you.
- This entire trip was a setup.
- But why? For what reason?
Just to get us out here in the
middle of nowhere and kill us all?
Behold, the god of destruction
and praise his glory.
Praise his glory!
Behold, my lord and savior!
Behold, my lord and savior!
Behold, my lord and savior!
If this is Burning Man,
it has changed drastically.
That's not
an effigy of a man.
I call upon the high priestess
of the night to commence.
- What the fuck?
- What the fuck is right.
Get off me!
What are you doing? No!
Help me!
What are you, fucking crazy?
No, ahh!
That's what's her name,
Ginger something.
Get it off me!
- What are they doing to her?
- [Ginger screams]
Nothing good.
Help me!
What are you doing? No!
The blood really brings out
her nipples.
Help me!
- [growling]
- [Priestess] Oh, great one,
give us the pleasure
of your presence.
As we call upon you tonight.
We've got to do something!
With no weapons and no idea how
many of them are out there,
our rescue options
are extremely limited.
Accept our blood snake.
Purified and then holy bows
of the sinners.
It is glorious.
And it's also fucking hot.
[snake hisses]
This is some fucked-up shit.
They're gonna kill us all.
No, they're not. We just
have to think of a plan.
- That's a good idea.
- No, that's a statement.
- What we need is a good idea.
- [screaming]
Looks like she's ready to pop.
I think she needs a C-section.
Do the honors, my dear.
- [bangs]
- They're on the bus!
Thank you, Ms. Obvious.
[music playing]
- [bang]
- [Lara] They're gonna get in!
No, they're not.
Not without a blowtorch.
Well, maybe they have
a blowtorch, smart guy.
[body splattering]
- Can you hear me now?
- We need to get to my luggage.
- Help me find the panel.
- What are you doing?
These buses have trap doors
like in airplanes.
We should be able to get to our
bags through the floorboards.
- Aha!
- Does it need a key?
Nah, we can jimmy it.
[chanting continues]
- [loud thump]
- Leave us alone!
Yeah, I'm sure
that's gonna work.
Fuck you, Warren.
- I mean, fuck you!
- Yeah?
You just wanted to join
the orgy in the sex dome.
- Yeah, what's wrong with that?
- Hey.
Will somebody bring me a bottle
opener from the minibar?
I'll check the bathroom, if there's
something useful in there.
Found it.
This isn't real. I'm just
having a bad trip, right?
We all are.
Oh, yeah!
It is an honor.
I am on fire!
Burning, burning.
Burn, burn, burn.
All hail the master!
We entered hell.
- I got it!
- [Stuart screaming]
Hold him.
Oh, my God.
I don't know how.
What happened?
What happened?
- They got Stuart.
- [woman] He's dead!
Heads up.
You like that?
I bet you do.
He's in a better place.
The hills have eyes.
And ears, nose,
and throats.
No, no, no.
No time to mourn.
Let's get this luggage.
Go through them.
See if there's anything useful.
But these aren't our bags.
I don't think their dead
owners are going to mind.
Yeah! Whoo!
This is gonna be useful.
Anybody need to take a shit?
Hey, that's mine.
It's heavy.
What you got in here?
Just Burning Man gifts.
Nothing that can help us.
Just leave it.
- [luggage unzips]
- Hey, I said leave it alone.
I came prepared for a week
at the festival, all right?
Not some blood and sex
freak horror show.
Do you have any whips
and chains in there?
We actually might
be able to use those.
Sorry. I'm not into S&M.
See? I'm not the only one.
We're not exactly prepared
for war, are we?
Uh... eh.
Hello, my little friend.
[monsters shouting]
Who's shooting?
Hello there,
miss bus driver.
We were wondering where
you disappeared to.
Al? Alan?
Look who I found
lurking about.
I'm ready to get out of here.
- Yeah, abso-fucking-lutely.
- It's not gonna happen.
Oh, yes, it is. As soon as you
put the key in the ignition.
Bring me the one.
[bus rumbles]
Let us in! Let us in!
Let us in!
Let us in!
You need to go call off your group
of cult crazies while you're at it.
Oh, they're not my group.
Are you trying to tell us
you're not one of them?
Well, of course, I'm one of
them, but I'm not the leader.
I'm just a servant to the chosen one.
We all are.
Let us in. Let us in.
The chosen one? Who?
That bald-headed baboon
out there
and his Selma Hayek
wannabe sidekick?
[silent laughter]
Oh, God, I'm sorry,
but that was so funny.
Get the unholy sand.
- Why did you bring us out here?
- [woman] Isn't it obvious?
They needed sacrifices.
You don't know anything
about us, sweetie.
And we're not sticking
around to find out.
Where are the bus keys?
I don't have them.
I saw you holding them.
Oh, those were the outside
luggage compartment keys.
Not the keys to the ignition.
I suppose
we should just believe you,
because you've been
so honest with us so far.
If you won't give them,
we'll be forced to take
them from you.
Be my guest.
Oh, with pleasure.
- Strip her.
- Now you're talking.
Too bad we don't have a giant
snake to shove down your throat.
You're just all types of
crazy, aren't you, lady?
My desert pets.
My faithful protectors.
You see, we come
from a religion,
an ancient religion
before time began.
Tonight marks the time
of the beginning.
Spread it evenly.
And now is the time.
For the chosen one to spread
his darkness across the land.
Blah, blah, blah.
Heard it all before.
You sound like a bad,
Z-grade movie, so shut up!
[loud thump]
God, I'm so fucking wet
right now!
We clear a path for the rise
of the great one.
To deliver us from all that is and
all that will be brought forth.
Alan, I'm not finding
the keys on her.
How about in her?
I like the way
you think, sister.
Come to us.
Our bodies are yours.
For the taking.
What... what are they
doing out there?
Drink from me.
What's mine is yours.
My body I give freely.
Not exactly homegrown,
but whatever.
They're preparing for the
rising of the chosen one.
What does that have
to do with us?
it's my favorite part.
One of you is it.
Repeat after me.
Release the chosen one.
Release the chosen one.
- Chosen by who?
- The master.
- Could you be any vaguer?
- [Warren] Guys?
Guys, I don't like what
they're doing out there.
We need to hurry
and get this bus moving now.
- [gun clicks]
- The keys.
- I can't help you.
- Can't or won't?
No comment.
Maybe she dropped
them under the luggage.
Slipped them under a bag
or something on her way up?
I'll go look.
Yeah, me, too.
[Warren] Looks like
some sort of powder.
Flammable? Are they going
to light the bus on fire?
That's not a bad idea. Wish
I would have thought of it.
I thought you said
you're not the one in charge?
- I'm not.
- Then who is?
Why, the chosen one,
of course.
Only... that person
doesn't know it yet.
Shit, we're never going
to find it in here.
We will, all right?
Just keep looking.
Maybe she slipped it
in a bag.
[bag unzips]
[chuckles] Oh.
Looks like somebody
was planning on keeping
the party up all night.
Those are mine,
put them down.
You try getting drilled for hours
on end and see how you like it.
I thought you were
only into girls.
And this is one
of the reasons why.
Now we're talking.
[whispering in distance]
[whispering continues]
[loud banging]
Oh, fuck, if they get through
those panels, we're all dead.
Not without a fight.
- [screams]
- Sorry.
- Any luck?
- No, it's not down here.
[all] Release the
chosen one or perish.
Release the chosen one
or perish.
If you release the chosen one, we
might let the rest of you live.
What chosen one?
Who is the chosen one?
Okay, process
of elimination here.
Who's Jewish here? Jewish?
- Jewish?
- No.
- Jewish?
- Huh?
She said wants the chosen
one, not chosen people.
There's a difference?
Release the chosen one
or perish.
Look, we're through
fucking around with you,
you tattoo lady
monster freak!
Shh. They can hear you.
All we want...
is the chosen one.
The virgin.
Do you honestly think
one of us is still a virgin?
Honey, that ship
sailed ten years ago.
Twelve for me.
Three here.
I was late bloomer.
I fucked my way
out of the womb.
Just means none of you
are the chosen one!
Then who does that leave?
[man] Release the
chosen one or perish!
I can personally attest
that she is no virgin.
Pure and innocent, no.
But we go back
to the biblical term.
in foreign language]
And no matter what you two did
in that bathroom back there,
you simply don't have the
right equipment for the job.
And no, buzz pop cocktails
doesn't exactly qualify.
- Tastes great, though.
- Less filling.
How did you know?
How could you have
possibly known?
We've been watching you ever
since you were born, Lara.
You don't even know
who your true parents are.
- You were adopted.
- Why...
I bet you think you got on this
bus today by happenstance.
in foreign language]
I woke up this morning...
and took something, I think,
I don't know.
Then this creep
gave me a ride
and when I wouldn't put out, he
dropped me off at this bus stop.
That creep's name
is Gregory.
Release! Let yourself go.
[Joan] Time to come
out tonight, Lara.
It's all been planned.
Tonight's the big night.
You come with me and maybe some
of these sheep will survive!
Fuck you, lady.
She's not going anywhere.
Damn straight, bitch.
in foreign language]
[Joan groans]
[all chanting]
[Joan laughing]
Hail, hail!
Someone pull out their cell!
Where's the bus driver?
All hail the chosen one!
All hail
the chosen one!
All hail the chosen one!
[loud crunch]
All hail the chosen one!
Release, release, release.
Release, release, release.
What the fucking hell?
Where did all
of her tattoos go?
- [hisses]
- [all screaming]
[music playing]
Release! Release!
All hail the...
[engine turns on]
How is this bus running?
I don't know, but let's get
the fuck out of here.
- [hisses]
- Whoa!
[muffled chanting]
[chanting continues]
Was anyone bitten
or scratched or stung?
- I guess just me.
- Jesus.
She really took a bite
out of you.
Chicks know a tasty treat
when they see one.
Don't talk.
It makes it worse.
Guess we can add cannibalism
to their long line of evil.
Why didn't you drive us
out of here?
The bus stalled. Without a key,
there's not much I can do.
This is all my fault.
If it wasn't for me, none
of you would be in danger.
I should have never
gotten on this bus.
And I wouldn't have if...
she didn't say it was free.
Stop that, right now. Okay, you cannot
blame yourself for the acts of some...
psychotic cult of sand
demon devil worshippers.
[man] Release the chosen one!
It is our time.
Release the chosen one!
Release, release!
Release, release, release!
This is a nightmare.
Sounds more like
a broken record.
Well, I for one choose
not to perish.
- Time to go, Lara.
- No one is going anywhere.
If we stay on this bus,
they're eventually going
to break in here
and kill us all!
I don't want to die.
Yeah, well, that's what
virgin sacrifices tend to do.
I'm sorry.
I didn't make the rules here.
So what would happen
if our virgin sacrifice...
was no longer a virgin?
I need everyone
to release. Now.
[all chanting]
Release. Release.
Well, no virgin,
no sacrifice.
You mean,
if I lose my cherry...
there's no reason
for them to kill me?
Well, I'm less
opposed to that idea.
And I can help. See, I have all
these special toys in my bag.
Ivy, I really don't want to
lose my virginity to a dildo.
Well, that counts Warren out.
Ha-ha, funny honey.
Really funny.
I'll do it.
Alan, with the amount of blood
you've already lost,
I don't think you're up
for doing anything tonight.
That's what
the Viagra's for.
No, increased blood flow
anywhere is the last thing
you need right now.
Well, then that only leaves...
Remove your robes!
Come on, girl.
Let's play.
What was your name again?
- Peter.
- [scoffs]
Look, despite popular belief, not
all guys can just perform on cue.
Are you kidding me?
Look at her.
Lara, you're beautiful
and everything
and I would love to,
I mean, I'd be honored.
What's the matter? Got a
little problem downstairs?
I'm just saying, you know.
Here, in front of everyone?
I'm not a porn actor,
I'm an investment banker.
I need more fingers.
Okay, if you won't fuck her,
I will.
- Oh, the fuck you will.
- Isn't that what I just said?
- Give me a break, okay?
- Oh, I'll give you a break.
- Peter, please.
- I'll break it off.
I really don't want
to die a virgin.
[Warren] I gave you so
many orgasms last week.
We can dim the lights.
[clears throat]
Or how about...
That could work.
[all chanting and moaning]
Release, release.
There's not a lot
of room in here.
Yeah, I'm probably
a little tight.
Oh, no, that's not what I...
never mind.
Give me the gun,
I need to reload.
I can do it.
How old are you?
- Just turned 18.
- Eighteen? That's a good age.
Well, to be honest,
I turn 18 tomorrow.
[loud bang]
You're only a minor?
I don't know,
what time is it?
- Five minutes to midnight.
- So... I'm almost legal.
I won't tell anyone.
Would you just hurry up
and screw already?
Fuck off!
[music playing]
Release the chosen one!
Release the chosen one.
We're working on it.
Yeah, just not
the way you think.
Feel the passion.
- [moans]
- Feel the fury!
You guys? I wasn't
kidding about the key.
Cavity search?
You really think
that crazy bitch swallowed it?
Let's have a look.
- [moans]
- Does it hurt?
A little.
But it's okay.
I want to live.
Oh, no, I'm gonna be sick.
Oh, come on, Warren.
Grow some balls.
Oh God, oh, feels like
you're growing bigger.
You're just so tight.
So tight.
That's okay.
Deeper. Get in there deeper.
I feel something happening.
Wider, open her wider.
Yes, yes, yes.
More, yes, fuck!
Fuck me hard and faster.
She feels tight.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
[music playing]
Fuck me, fuck me.
I'm coming.
- Lara!
- I'm coming.
The chosen one has arrived!
Hail, hail, hail!
[Peter screams]
Damn. My first time
didn't sound like that.
That's for sure. He was done
before we even got started.
Oh, I found it! Yes!
Great, let's get
the fuck out of here.
All hail the chosen one!
All hail the chosen one!
I'll drive.
All hail...
Hail, hail!
Hail, hail!
Hail, hail!
Sounds like a Trump rally
out there.
Hey, guys, we found the key.
Holy fucksticks!
It's the dawn of a new day!
It's a glorious day!
Help me!
- You son of a bitch!
- What's going on back there?
Drive, drive, drive!
[engine starts]
All hail the chosen one.
- All hail the chosen one.
- So long, freaks.
All hail the chosen one.
All hail the chosen one.
All hail the chosen one.
All hail the chosen one.
I think we're safe.
You guys hear me?
Hello back there?
Will someone speak up?
We, uh, we got a problem.
What is it?
The whole...
Lara having sex
idea was a bad one.
Why, what happened?
I don't know.
A really bad form of puberty?
We created a monster.
Literally, she killed
Peter and Alan.
- Where's Warren?
- The coward locked himself
- in the bathroom.
- Typical.
- Personally...
- [loud bang]
...I don't know what
you see in that guy.
We started dating
in high school.
First love.
It's complicated.
But not as
complicated as tonight.
Mm, where is Lara?
I think she's... eating.
The bus is moving.
Well, just have to deal with
some serious shit.
[Ivy] Any idea
where we're heading?
Not a clue, I just think any place
is better than where we were.
No matter what happens,
just keep driving.
What are you gonna do?
Party's over.
Yo razor face,
what you doing?
are you still in there?
Okay, okay, first thing I do
when I get back,
is I'm going to sue this bus company
for every penny that they're worth.
And I demand a $400 refund
for my Burning Man tickets.
Dump my...
out of my life.
Call me a dildo.
Fuck her.
Fuck you, Reese!
- Get away from me!
- It's me, Ivy, open up.
- Go to hell!
- I think we're already there.
Come on, I need your help.
Is my ex-girlfriend
still alive?
Yes, she is,
no thanks to you.
Then get her to help you.
She's busy driving the bus.
Where is that... that thing?
I managed to lock it in the
luggage compartment, but...
I have my doubts it's going
to stay down there.
So what do you want
me to do about it?
- Help me kill it!
- Fuck that!
I'm staying right here till we're
back in Vegas or at Burning Man.
You're a real fucking pussy,
you know that?
And you're a cunt,
so we're even!
[Warren screaming]
Warren? Warren, what
the fuck is going on?
Warren, get away
from the door.
Nobody appreciates
the C-word.
What's happening?
- Oh, that's pretty gross.
- Talk to me!
Just keep driving!
[Lara banging]
What the hell just happened?
I've got some good news
and some bad news.
Your boyfriend is dead.
And what's the bad news?
Well, then no bad news.
Lara, or the thing
that used to be Lara is gone.
Busted out.
Flew the coop.
But I managed to shoot it
a few times,
so with any luck, it's out
there dying somewhere.
Any signs of that cult?
Still don't
know where we're going.
Well, it'll be light
in a few hours, so,
we're bound
to wind up somewhere.
Yeah. Somewhere that has
a hot bath, I hope.
I'm all for that.
And if they only have one,
we could always share.
Hey, Ivy, I agree
that Warren was kind of
an asshole, but, I still
kind of favor men.
- No offense.
- None taken.
For some women,
it's an acquired taste.
- But it's okay, no pressure.
- [engine failing]
- No.
- No, I mean it.
- No. No, no, no!
- I mean it, I've never forced...
- We're out of gas.
- You're kidding.
Yeah, yeah, this is absolutely something
I would joke about right now.
- Now what?
- I don't know about you, but...
the last thing I want to do is
wander around there at night.
Yeah. I'm not big
on that choice either.
So, I think we stay
here till morning,
and then grab as much food
and water that we can carry
and go out there
and try to find some help.
Who knows, maybe we can
even get a few hours of sleep.
- I am all for sleeping.
- Yeah.
- And I do mean sleeping.
- Just sleeping.
- [rumbles]
- [moans]
Oh, Reese, I thought
you weren't into girls.
Oh, my God.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, Reese.
Oh, where did you
learn to do that?
Oh, fuck.
Ow. Nibbling is cool.
Oh, ow! Reese teeth,
not so cool.
Oh, fuck.
Okay, seriously, the teeth.
Jesus Christ.
Oh, good, you're awake.
I sure hope so.
I don't see anything out here.
We are absolutely
in the middle of nowhere.
Are there
any backup gas cans on board?
Nope. Already looked.
Yep. We are empty.
- So then, we're walking.
- Unless you have a better idea.
Do you think they found us?
I got three bullets left.
I got the corkscrew
and the scissors.
What if it is help?
What do we tell them?
I don't know,
but I think trying to explain
the six dead bodies on board
is going to be a tough one.
Just follow my lead.
Morning ladies.
- Morning.
- Having a little trouble?
That's the understatement
of the year.
- Who are you?
- Bob McCready.
I'm with Sin City Party Buses.
Came to help.
How did you find us?
A LoJack.
Our whole line has them
so we can keep track
of where everyone is
if they miss
their destination
and/or they don't return
radio calls.
Which is when they call out
the search party, which is me.
Bob McCready, hi.
So where's, uh,
where's Matilda?
- Who?
- The bus driver? Matilda Getty?
- Oh, right.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, funny story.
- Um...
Well, um, we ran out of gas.
So Matilda just took all the
others to the nearest town.
On foot? Because that's
20 miles from here.
Really? Well, she's didn't want
to leave the bus unattended.
So Reese and I volunteered
to stay behind.
- Just the two of you?
- I'm afraid so.
So how the hell
did you wind up out here?
I don't know.
We weren't driving.
I think she was trying to take
a shortcut or something.
That's right.
Never disobey the GPS,
number one rule of the road.
Matilda should have
known better. Damn.
This thing looks like it's
been through hell and back.
That's the truth.
Bet you two have
seen better days.
We'd just really like
a ride to the closest town.
Like now, if possible.
Oh, no, no problem, I'll
just pull out your luggage.
- Oh, no, no, no!
- All righty then.
- Go back to civilization.
- Yes.
Come on, I don't bite.
Aren't you going
to call this in?
Oh, sure, I just have to get to
an area where I get a signal.
Well, isn't your GPS working?
Oh, nothing works out here.
Then how did you
locate us again?
Whoops. You got me.
And now we've got you.
- [laughs]
- Fuck that!
My one good eye!
- You want me to drive?
- If you're up to it.
- I'm good.
- [music playing]
Help! Hey!
Oh, shit!
There you are. I've been looking
everywhere for you guys.
I thought you said
she was a monster.
She is.
- How many bullets left?
- None.
- [sighs]
- Where are all the others?
Don't you remember?
I remember
we were on the bus...
you all said I had
to have sex with Peter.
Next thing I know I woke up in
the desert naked this morning.
I found these cloths,
put them on.
So come on, let me in.
One moment.
Are you sure she's a monster?
I mean, she doesn't...
look at her.
I mean, are you sure?
I'm positive, okay?
She turned into this
winged demonic creature.
She tore Peter to pieces,
ripped through Alan's heart,
and only left an arm and a leg
of your boyfriend behind.
What if she really, like,
doesn't remember any of that?
What if she turns back
to normal in the daylight?
You mean like a werewolf?
We don't know how this whole
chosen one thing works.
Really hot out here, guys,
I've been walking for hours!
Please, just open the door.
Lara, how are you feeling?
Hot, tired, thirsty,
confused, a little sore,
massive hangover, scared,
worried, stressed out.
Okay, okay, enough. Prove
to us you're not a demon.
How do you prove
you're not a demon?
- She's got a point.
- [sighs]
Thanks for letting me
ride shotgun.
- No problem.
- So, um, you're not feeling
all powerful today?
Not one bit.
Oh, look, a wolf dog.
[dog barks]
- Where?
- Never mind. It's gone.
- How about some music?
- [electricity crackles]
[music playing]
- That's weird.
- I didn't even touch it.
[electricity crackles]
Looks like a storm's coming.
[thunder rumbles]
Could be.
Who's still up
for Burning Man?
[Ivy] I mean I'm up for
it if you guys are.
Well, we've come this far.
[monster growls]
Come on, baby,
let's ride together
Drive all night through
hell and weather
Take your top down
and ride the metal
Breaking the law,
we'll raise the devil
Hey, Hot Pants,
I got sticky fingers
I got a load
and it's ready to expel
I see your tunnel,
let's rock this motion
Please, please, baby,
ride this party bus to hell
[music playing]
I hate fucking dummies!
No one more time. Mummies.
- [man #2 laughs]
- Here we go.
And action.
- I hate fucking dummies!
- Mummies.
[man] You said
"dummies" again, sweetie.
- Shit.
- [music playing]
Girl, another mind
Smokey left behind
Down a lonely road
and I'll get over in time
I feel like I'm riding on the
edge of the night tonight
Hauling ass
with a full tank of gas
I'm with desperado
in a moment to pass
With a pistol
in my pocket
you reach the test
In a flash of a reason
you can see in my eyes
I'm a master
of disguise
I turn men on me
like a man can lie
I'm your man of steel
and I'm hell on wheels
Going more a mess
with your head in my lap
Losing my positions
because the deck is stacked
But honey lies a number and
I know where you've been
Fast and little,
next to mobile tryst
Roll in a woman
like an angel's kiss
If it don't make it power
Make it ever with this
In a flash of a reason
you can see in my eyes
I'm a master
of disguise
I can man a machine,
I can weaponize
I was built for speed
And I'm hell on wheels
Hell on wheels
Hell on wheels
Hell on wheels
Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah
So long
I'm out the door
Don't want you anymore
You're dumb,
you're gone to me
So long is my escape
[music playing]
I bet you said
I'm back on track
Shut your mouth
or I'll attack
Game on,
I'm on the stage
To find love,
magic to make
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
So long,
I'm out the door
Don't want you anymore
You're dumb,
you're gone today
So long is my escape
I'm going,
I'm out the gate
You're dumb,
you're gone to me
I'm gonna get out
on my way
So long is my escape
So long
So long
Au revoir
So long
So long
See ya.