Paul Reiser: Life, Death & Rice Pudding (2024) Movie Script
Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Reiser.
Well...
Thank you.
And let me just say,
you're not wrong.
It is great to see me.
It is.
So nice to be here
in this beautiful theater in your beautiful city.
I am so glad...
I have so many things to tell you.
None of which are important.
I just want to establish that
up front.
Manage those expectations.
Nothing said tonight
will have any political,
social or cultural
relevance whatsoever.
Just so we're clear.
Nothing.
None of that.
In fact, I'd go so far as to say
no redeeming value, frankly.
So, if you leave tonight going,
"You know, he really got me thinking,"
that's on you, okay?
But I am very excited.
We we have cameras.
We're taping a special.
How about that?
Isn't that exciting?
Very exciting.
Yeah, I have not done one
in a while.
It has been a while.
You know, a lot of my friends...
You see comedians,
and they have a new special
every 12 months,
every 18 months.
Not me.
Last one I did, 1991, okay?
That's right.
Yeah, I like
to space them out, you know?
Every 32 years, like clockwork,
I send another one
down the chute
so as to not overstay
my welcome.
Yeah, every 32 years.
So the next one after this,
if my math is correct,
I'm gonna be 97, so...
Yeah. I don't know
how funny I'll be at 97.
So let's enjoy tonight,
shall we?
See, a lot of people...
A lot of people lie about their age,
and they like to pretend
they're younger than they actually are.
Which I don't understand.
Maybe some of you
are doing it right now.
I don't get it.
Because, first of all,
you're not fooling
anybody, okay?
But even if you do,
you're not really helping yourself
because people can see you.
So while you're lying,
they're looking at you,
and very often,
what you're saying
doesn't line up
with what they're seeing. -
For example... Let's say...
Let's say I was very convincing,
and I told you I was 35.
Okay. Your next thought
would have to be,
"You don't look good."
"That's a tired-ass-looking
35-year-old. That's..."
Right. But if I told you
I was 89, you'd go,
"God bless.
He looks great for 89."
So if you're gonna lie,
go that way. That's what I say.
But I've never understood.
I have a friend who does this.
He lies about his age to me.
I grew up with the guy, okay?
So I know how old he is.
We were 10 together.
We were 20 together
and we were 30 together,
and that's the last time
it lined up.
Right around there,
he just got off the clock.
He likes to pretend
the last three decades never happened.
He just lives in a fairy...
And it's embarrassing.
We go out to dinner, and he's...
He's flirting
with every cute waitress.
"How are you doing, darling?"
I go, "What are you doing?
Jackass, what are you doing?"
He said, "No,
I'm not gonna do anything.
"I just... I just want to see
if I still got it."
And I tell him, "You don't.
"You don't."
"Just ask me. You don't have it.
Don't put her through that.
"There's no call for that."
"You don't have it.
"1982 was the last time
we had it. We don't have it."
"It is no longer had by us."
I said, "What do you think
is gonna happen?
"Let's compare and contrast,
shall we?"
I said, "She's a beautiful
young woman.
"Has her whole life
ahead of her.
"Whereas you
"are overweight, pasty
and knocking on death's door.
"So what do you imagine
she would find appealing about you?
"The fact that you smell
vaguely like her grandfather?
"Is that what you want?"
He said, "No.
I had to talk to her."
He said, "I had to talk to her
because she's so cute."
"I had to talk to her."
I said, "No, you don't have to."
I said, "You can
appreciate something
"without getting
personally involved.
"It's like a beautiful sunset.
"I see that it's beautiful,
but I'm not trying to hump it.
"Do you see what I'm saying?"
You know, the crazy thing
about the aging thing,
we all have
older people in our lives.
All right, so we see
what happens to them.
So we think we have
a pretty good idea
of what to expect
when we get older.
But no...
...there are surprises.
Things they don't tell you.
Here's one I didn't see coming.
Sleep. When did that
become a challenge?
Sleep?
Are you kidding?
My whole life, I slept.
I didn't even think about it.
Put my head down,
I'm sleeping, that's all.
Now I've lost the gift.
I don't know what's happening.
I just know, every morning,
first words out of my mouth,
"Yeah, I didn't sleep
so good last night."
I mean... Like, every day.
Here's another thing
that I didn't see coming.
As you get older,
do you find you get hurt
in ways
you didn't used to get hurt.
I injured myself
doing something stupid.
Which, by the way,
that is the number one cause
of injury in this country,
is doing something stupid.
You ask anybody
how they got hurt,
I guarantee you
the first thing they'll tell you,
"Yeah, it was so stupid."
It's like, "Yeah, of course."
Right? Because nobody gets hurt
doing anything smart.
You've never heard of that.
"I was working on algorithms
for the space program,
"and my brain just caved in,
"and that's why I look
like this. I was so smart."
No, it's always stupid.
It's always something stupid.
"Yeah, I was climbing a ladder
in flip flops."
"Okay, well, that's not smart."
"Yeah, no,
I was boiling pasta naked."
"Okay, why?
Why would you do that?" -
That's the whole purpose
behind pants.
There's no reason for that.
My injury was stupid,
but I learned something,
and I'll share it with you.
Here's what I learned, folks.
At a certain age,
don't help anybody
move a couch.
You just leave it
or get a young person.
There's no reason
for you to get involved.
I didn't even think about it.
My friend said, "You wanna grab that?
"We want to scooch it back."
So I lift,
and just as I lift it,
I heard a pop in my arm.
I said, "Whoa, that's not good."
There shouldn't be noise in my shirt.
Anybody hear that?
It really hurt.
But then 10 seconds later,
it didn't hurt.
So I thought, "Well, maybe
I just dodged a bullet."
You know, "Maybe I tweaked it."
No.
The next morning, I look down,
things have moved.
The whole... The muscle...
It's not like a big muscle.
I'm not trying to show off.
I'm just saying, whatever sad,
pathetic muscle I had,
fell. It just fell.
So instead of being
like a gradual little mound,
it was a puny hill
gathered at the bottom.
It was just... It didn't hurt,
but it looked wrong.
So I said,
"I've got to get this fixed."
So I had to find a surgeon.
Orthopedic surgeon.
My friend says,
"I got the guy for you.
"I got the guy. I got the guy.
Don't even look around."
He said, "I got the guy,
my guy, I got the best guy.
"My guy is the best."
Do you ever notice,
all your friends always have the best guy.
Nobody has
the seventh best dentist.
You've never heard that.
"I have the 35th
best proctologist."
No, they're all the best.
They can't all be the best.
Like my regular doctor,
my checkup guy,
he's not the best. I know that.
He's... And I'm fine with it.
He's okay. He's like...
He's in the top 20
in his building, I would imagine.
You know, he's fine.
He's fine. -
He's is not a particularly
great doctor,
but he's got terrific parking,
and I love that.
The in and out of there.
But my friend said,
"No, you got to go.
"He's great, he's great.
You're gonna love him." And he kept selling.
I said, "I'm going."
He said, "No, you'll love him."
"He's a great guy, great guy.
He's very thorough. Great guy, great guy."
And then he says,
"And he's really handsome."
I'm like, "Okay."
It's not something
I generally look for
when choosing
a medical practitioner, but whatever. Okay.
So I go. They put me
in a little examination room,
and I'm there 10 minutes
by myself.
Door opens, doctor walks in,
Guy was really handsome.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
Even with my friend's warning,
I was still a little thrown.
Like, "Whoa, look at you."
"Hang on, look at you.
That's a good-looking guy.
"Look at this guy
with a square jaw and a full head of hair.
"That's a good-looking guy."
It struck me,
"That shouldn't be."
If you're already
the top surgeon in the country,
you don't get
to be good-looking, too.
That's not right.
Pick one or the other.
That's not how this works.
Pick one or the other.
It's like sometimes,
you meet somebody and they're really attractive,
and then they turn out
to be stupid.
You go, "Fair enough. Okay."
Pick one.
But this guy, he was great.
He was very thorough.
He did an MRI, did an X-ray.
He said, "You know,
well, you did some damage."
He said, he goes,
"You have a little tear in your rotator cuff."
He said, "But that's not
your big problem."
He said, "Your big problem..."
I said, "I know,
I'm emotionally unavailable." He said...
Perhaps it's not my area.
He said,
"Your your big problem,"
get ready, he said,
"Your bicep
is partially detached."
I said, "Hang on, Doc,
I gotta throw up a little bit."
I said,
"Why would you say that?"
He goes,
"I see it all the time."
I said, "All right,
so what do we do now? A little surgery?"
He says, "Well, you can,
"but you don't have to."
I said, "What does that mean?"
He said, "Well, the best
I can do is I'm gonna bring you back
"to where you were
before you hurt yourself."
He said,
"But you're telling me you can do everything."
I said, "Yeah,
I've got full range of motion."
He says, "All right,
and you're not in any pain?"
I said, "No, there's no pain."
And he says, "Yeah, so,
"I would just leave it."
I said is,
"Is that where I'm at?
"Are we already there?
Is that what's happening?"
"We're just gonna run down
the clock now?
"Is that what we're doing?"
"Just leave it." Oh, my God.
If I was real estate,
I'm not even a fixer-upper,
I'm a tear-down.
Just stick it out
as long as you can,
but I wouldn't put more money
into it at this point.
He said, "I can hear you
when you say that."
I said, "No, we're gonna do
the surgery, Dr. Handsome,
"and I'll tell you why."
I said, "We're gonna do it,
because if we don't,
"I think that sends
the wrong message
"to all the other parts
that are still working."
I mean, they see
a tendon float by,
they go, "Look at this.
He doesn't even give a shit anymore.
"The whole place
is falling apart.
"Why should we pump blood
to his heart?
"He's not gonna be around,"
you know.
So I did the surgery,
and I'm happy to report
that after months of rehab
and thousands of dollars,
he was able to make me
exactly as weak
as I was right before.
So there you go. That's right.
Thank you for applauding
my slow demise.
But I have much
to be grateful for.
I have my health,
such as it is,
and I have my family,
I have...
A little bit about myself,
my wife and I,
we have two boys,
one of whom I don't care for.
And I'm just... To be honest.
I'm just being honest with you.
You know, I love him.
Don't get me wrong.
I love him, but you know...
You know how some kids,
they just know how to push your buttons,
and they just know
how to say the wrong thing.
So my younger son, he's 23.
Twenty-four, if we pick up
the option,
and I don't know
that we will. -
But he'll just come over
and he'll go,
"Dad, can I say
something to you, no offense?"
And I go, "I doubt it."
"That has not been
my experience with you thus far."
Right, because nobody
ever says, "No offense"
unless they're about
to offend you.
They just let you know
it's coming, and they don't care.
They don't care.
It's like when people say,
"You know, I don't want to sound racist..."
"Well, then stop talking.
"Why don't you stop
right there? -
"Just don't say it.
"Don't say it,
because even you have a hunch
"it's not good,
don't you? Yeah.
"So maybe don't say it.
"Because if you say it,
"I'll have to think
you're a racist. No offense."
No offence.
I mean, you know...
No, listen, we all want to be terrific parents.
We want... We aspire
to be great parents.
But if we're being honest,
we're all winging it.
We don't know
what the hell we're doing.
None of us know what...
But if there's one skill...
If there's one skill that you need
to be an efficient parent,
you have to worry.
That's the main thing.
You have to worry.
I don't judge anybody,
but if you have kids
and you're not worried,
I don't think
you're doing it right.
You have to worry.
I'm not saying do anything,
but just worry. Start there.
It's an important skill to have.
And not to brag,
I'm very good at it.
I'm very good at worrying.
Even if there's nothing
to worry about,
I'll make something up.
I don't care.
I do. I'll lie in bed,
make up lists,
come up with lists
like "Ways to get hurt
"I had not
thought of previously."
And by way, all the things
I worry about,
They never happen.
They never happen.
Nobody's ever gotten
their head stuck in a lawnmower.
Okay, but I thought of it.
It could have happened.
Nobody ever reached into a dryer
to pull out socks,
fell in and ended up
drying to death.
That's not the thing.
You know,
and I've been around long enough to know
that worrying, it doesn't help.
It doesn't prevent
anything, right?
It doesn't even...
It doesn't even prepare us for anything.
But still, we prepare.
I know I prepare.
If I'm on a plane
and we hit a little turbulence,
you know, the five seconds
where you think you're going down,
I prepare by doing this.
Because this is really
all the insulation
you need upon impact. This is...
That way, if the plane
does go down
and I'm the sole survivor,
I can tell everybody,
"You know what kept me alive.
"I had my fists balled up
very, very tight.
"And to be honest,
my asshole was clenched shut...
"...like a bank vault
on a Sunday."
That puppy was closed
for business.
Nobody getting in
or out of there.
That was closed.
"So when we hit,
I just bounced right up.
"That's what happened.
There I was.
"I'm the only one.
We hit a... Pow.
Bounced right up.
I was saved by the grace of God
and just the the sheer rigidity
of my own sphincter.
That's what did it. Pow.
I told you this would not
be important, didn't I?
It has been a crazy year.
Well, for everybody.
But let's, let's focus on me.
A lot of upheaval
in my family. We moved.
We moved this year,
and the kids found us.
That was surprising.
I did not anticipate
that kind of follow-through.
No, we moved.
It was a big deal for the kids
because we had been
in this house for 20 years.
So their whole childhood
was in this house.
And here's what I learned.
You know, you cannot
sell your house
until you fix it up.
Did you know that?
Because nobody
in their right minds
is gonna buy your house
after what you
and the kids have done to the place,
living like animals
all these years.
No, new people
deserve better, don't they? -
All the things
that never bothered you enough to fix
while you lived there,
you're gonna snap to it
for these next imaginary people
so they shouldn't
have to live like monkeys
in a pile of their own filth.
So we got to work.
We steamed the furniture,
cleaned the carpets,
painted the walls outside,
new shrubs, new hedges,
new grass, new flowers.
Suddenly, I looked around
and went,
"This place looks great.
"Boy, I wish we lived here.
This is..."
I'll tell you,
it's not until you move
and you start opening
cabinets and closets,
it's not until then
that you realize
just how much crap...
...you have accumulated.
You shouldn't have to move
just to get rid of crap.
You know, we could,
theoretically, get rid of a little crap
every once in a while,
and whittle it down.
But that's not
the way crap works.
No, crap likes
to stay out of sight
where it grows in the dark.
Just as your family
has grown over the years,
so has your crap.
That's kind of...
If you think about it, it's kind of the arc of life.
First half of life,
we're just getting stuff,
get stuff.
You can't get enough stuff.
Get stuff.
Get to a certain age,
get rid of that stuff,
get rid of that stuff,
get rid...
That's the roller coaster
of life.
Accumulate, shed.
Accumulate, and then shed.
We accumulate things
and people. We accumulate people.
When you're young,
you can't meet enough people.
Right? You mean a nice couple,
"We should get their number.
I like them.
"We should be friends
with them.
"And their other friends,
I like them, too. Get their number.
"We'll all get together.
The six of us, we'll have dinner.
"And if that goes well,
we'll get an RV,
"I think we'll all
go cross country.
"I think...
"I have a good feeling
about these people."
You can't get enough.
And then you get to a certain age,
you go the other way.
All these people
that you were so eager to meet,
Now, "You know what?
I don't want to see these people anymore.
"I'm tired of these people.
I can't do it.
"I'm tired of these people.
Should we get new people?
"No, I'm saying,
no more people.
"No more people.
That's what I'm saying.
"No more people.
Just you and me.
"That's how it's gonna be.
Just you and me.
"And frankly, some days,
I would whittle that list down further.
"Let's let's try you and me."
We all have too many friends.
How many friends
do you need, really?
Three? I'm gonna say three.
If you have three good friends,
consider yourself blessed.
And the others, cut 'em.
Just let 'em go.
It's just too much work.
You know, everything, you have to reciprocate.
"Oh, they invited us,
now we gotta invite them.
"They sent us a thing,
"all right, we gotta
send them a thing.
Just cut 'em. And, by the way,
they'll thank you.
They were gonna cut you,
just so you understand.
So it's a win-win.
But don't cut them all.
You need three.
You definitely need three,
and I'll tell you why.
Friends do serve
a certain function,
so you need one friend...
You need one friend
just to agree with you
how horrible
the other friends are.
That's one.
Then you need one friend...
This is really important.
You need one friend
whose children
are more troubled than yours.
That's so important.
You've got to find that family.
It's not nice...
I'm not saying...
But it's so important,
'cause you just feel better
about yourself, don't you?
"You know what, honey?
Our kids are lazy and stupid."
"Yeah, okay. But that kid's
out of his fucking mind.
"That kid's a nut.
"That kid's nuts.
"Oh, those poor people.
"Yes, we should count
our blessings
"with these two idiots
because that's...
"That's no way to live."
So that's two.
And then the third,
in case once in a while,
you need a ride to the airport.
But that's like...
And the rest, cut 'em.
Cut 'em. You don't need 'em.
But that's what this point
in life is about.
Just shed, shed.
We accumulate, and then we shed.
There's a third stage.
Very tiny, short, brief stage
at the top of that curve,
when you have
just the right number of people,
just the right number
of things, but you don't know it.
You don't know it
till you go past it.
Amazon drops off some crap
you didn't even know you ordered,
and you're going,
"What is this, sweetie? An avocado pit remover.
"Why? Why?"
"We'll be having difficulty
removing the pits from the avocado."
You don't want it,
but you have it,
so you throw it in the drawer,
and that's what breaks you.
A week later,
you put your house on the market.
That's why one piece
of crap too many. -
And then it's time to downsize.
So now how do you get rid
of your crap?
I'm gonna tell you.
Three piles. That's the answer.
Everything you have
goes into one of three piles.
Garbage pile, save pile,
and then the biggest one,
not sure pile. -
And that's the Holy Trinity
of downsizing.
Garbage, save,
not sure.
Now start with the garbage pile,
and you'll notice
you've got a problem,
because not everything
in the garbage pile
is actually garbage.
Some of it still works.
Those are the two words
that have kept this crap in your life
year after year.
You thought about
throwing it out. "Still works.
"Maybe I'll put it back
and let it die a natural death.
"I don't want to rush it.
It's still...
"You know, this Sony Walkman
cassette player. This...
"I know we don't use cassettes,
and we never will,
"but if we did,
this is REO Speedwagon.
"Listen to that.
It's still going.
"It's still going."
"You know,
this electric blanket,
"I know the kids are grown,
and this is a ratty,
"disgusting, fiery death trap,
"but you know what?
That still... Wow.
"That's still working.
Look at that."
So what do you do?
What do you do?
You have something that still works,
but you don't want to...
Have a garage sale, right?
Have a yard sale.
People enjoy it.
Personally, I can't do it.
I can't do it.
It takes a certain type
of balls.
It takes a certain magnitude
of moxie
to look a stranger in the eye,
and just tell him,
"I don't want this crap anymore,
"but you might.
"Take a look. All my crap
could be your crap like that."
So I can't do that.
But you can always find
somebody who can use it.
You go, "Hey, you know what,
the neighbor's kid
"just got his first apartment.
"Give him that lamp. The lamp.
"I know it's ugly,
and the base is wobbly,
"and the neck is hanging
by a thread,
"but it still works.
"Kid's not gonna want
to sit in the dark. Give him a lamp."
Here's the problem there.
Kid could get insulted.
Kid go, "You giving me this?
"It's a piece of crap."
And you have to go, "I know.
"That's why
I'm giving it to you.
"I'm not gonna give you
the good stuff.
"I'm giving you the crap."
On the other hand,
it could go the other way.
Kid might go,
"You're getting rid of this?"
"Oh, I love this. Thanks."
And that's where you'll go,
"You know what? Let me have that back.
"I was on the fence,
to be honest,
"but when I saw your enthusiasm,
"I realized I was a bit hasty."
But one way or another,
whether you throw it out,
give it away, donate it,
the garbage pile goes away.
Save pile, that's very simple.
Just put everything in a box,
kick it down the road,
you'll deal with it
next time you move,
or just wait till you're dead,
and the kids can fight over who wants it less.
Then you get to the mother lode,
the not sure pile.
This is where a lot of marriages
and mental health go to die.
Because there are
a lot of decisions. And what is in there?
What is it
that we're so not sure about?
It's always
sentimental stuff, right?
You open the closet, "Oh, look,
"the kids' finger paintings
from kindergarten.
"the diorama
of the Navajo Village
"from second grade
that we did all the work on,
"if I remember correctly.
"We can't throw that out."
"No, throw it out.
This is not what you want to take
"into the next chapter
of your life.
"Throw it. It has no value."
The only value
is in that second
when you find it,
you go,
and then throw it the fuck out.
You don't want it.
You don't want it.
Don't put it back.
It won't increase in value.
It's not a Picasso, okay?
The hardest part,
when I got to my crap,
I could not believe
what I had been dragging with me
for decades.
I had boxes of crap...
Started in my parents' house.
When I got my first apartment,
I put a bunch of crap in a box,
whole bunch of boxes,
took 'em with me
to my apartment.
Never opened it.
Didn't need to.
Moved from New York,
moved out to California,
Crap came with me.
Now I have California crap. Okay.
Got married, got a house.
Now I got a...
Crap is in the house.
We got kids, needed more room,
crap went into storage,
now it's back.
I don't know how that happened,
but here it is.
So now we're downsizing,
and we have to finally open
these hermetically sealed
time capsules.
And what have I been dragging
around with me for 50 years?
I go, "Ah, look,
my Little League trophy.
"'Fifth place. Nice effort.'
Look at that, sweetie."
Yes.
"Your husband made
a nice effort in 1968.
"I don't think
you were aware of that.
"You're married
to quite the athlete. You don't know..."
Then went, "Ah, look,
my book report from 4th grade.
"Huckleberry Finn.
I got an A++.
"Maybe the kids
would enjoy reading..."
No, they don't.
Let me help you. They don't.
They don't. They never will.
You don't want your crap.
Imagine how much your kids
don't want your crap.
Because kids are not
nostalgic, you know.
Kids have not been around
long enough to nostalge.
They don't have that.
Kids are looking forward.
Kids are all about the future,
whereas you have
very limited future.
Let's be honest.
No, I don't care
how old you are,
what kind of shape you're in,
I'm just saying, every day, less future.
You understand this, right?
I can't be the first person
explaining this to you.
Every day, less future.
If you think I'm lying,
tomorrow morning, look at your calendar.
"He was right. One day less."
There's less.
And they're not making more.
This is it, folks. This is it.
So, you know, use it wisely.
For God's sake,
don't do what I did.
Don't waste your precious
remaining days
going through boxes
of letters
from girls who broke up
with you in 10th grade,
that you've been saving
in the off chance
that maybe they'll rethink it...
...and come crawling back.
Like they're gonna show up
at my door now,
"Why did I ever break up
with you in 1973?"
You can pull out the letter.
"Does that ring a bell, sweetheart?"
No, that ship has sailed.
You're all... You're married,
she's married.
Plus, you're both old.
You know what? It's not that...
What you remember
is not how it is.
The cute girl that you remember
from the high school yearbook
with the tight jeans
and the perky sweater,
she's now
a 68-year-old grandmother
of five, okay?
She has an arthritic hip,
she doesn't hear in one ear,
and you, I think we know
what's happened with you, so...
Move on. This is what
I'm telling you people.
Move on.
Let it go.
You ever bump into somebody
that you haven't seen,
like since high school?
That can be a jolt.
That's a jolt,
because, you know,
we only remember people
the way we last saw them.
We don't extrapolate over time.
So I had a...
I did a show back east.
I was in New York,
I did a show.
After the show,
a woman came...
Lovely woman, maybe 70,
came over, she said to me,
"You went to college
in Binghamton, New York."
I said, "Yes, I did."
She said, "Do you remember
a girl, Debbie Miller?"
I said, "Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Is that your daughter?"
She went, "No, it's me."
I went... -
"I don't think so.
"That's not
how I remember it at all.
"I happen to have
the yearbook right here.
"Let me show you. Here.
You look like that.
"What has happened to you?
"No, me,
I have mirrors in my house.
"I'm not shocked anymore.
"But you...
"I turn my back for,
what, 50 years,
"and you let this happen. Why?"
I don't make fun of anybody.
It's not...
Listen, I am not perfect.
I-I am not perf...
You know, when you pay
with a credit card
while it's reading the chip,
it says, "Do not remove"?
Sometimes I remove.
Just being honest.
I don't know
why they care so much.
What if I remove it?
Who am I hurting?
I'll put it back.
It's not a big... What?
There's no lying.
I'm the only one here.
I'm gonna put it in.
I'll take it out. I'll put it back. Who cares?
I don't know why they...
I've gotten very skeptical
of any kind of... Any kind of,
you know, notice, or...
I got a thing
on my phone the other day,
those updates,
"Your data storage cloud
"is completely filled."
And my brain went straight to,
"Is it, though?
Is it, really? Is it?" -
"Oh, yes, it is filled.
"That's why we're reaching out.
It is totally filled."
"That's weird, because I never
put anything in the cloud."
"Well, be that as it may,
"it's stuffed.
It is totally stuffed.
"Shit's falling out
of your cloud.
"I hate to tell you,
the other clouds
"have been mentioning it
because it's not pretty, what's happening.
"It's just disgusting up there.
"It's coming out of your cloud."
"Can I see the cloud?"
"No. Nobody sees the cloud.
"Nobody not no-how.
"But it is stuffed.
"That's why we're...
I'll tell you what, though,
"for $999, I can get you
a bigger cloud.
"You're gonna like this cloud.
"You can't see
this one either, but trust me, it's the el grande.
I don't trust these people.
I don't trust them.
And by the way,
they don't trust us.
They don't trust us.
How many times
have you gone on a website
and they don't even believe
that you're a human being?
And they have to screen you.
"Are you a robot?
"We won't be mad, just be...
Honestly, are you a robot?"
"Let me ask you,
if I was a robot,
"why would I tell you?
"Doesn't that kind of defeat
the whole purpose of being a robot?"
Because robots
are not stupid, you know.
We program robots
to do a lot of smart things.
I'll bet you,
with a little extra effort,
we could teach them to lie.
It's not that hard.
Just type it in.
"If they ask, 'Are you a robot?'
"You say, 'No.'"
You can even program
a little attitude.
"Do I look
like a fucking robot?"
You know,
why couldn't they do that?
Okay. Okay.
But they're expecting that.
They're ready
for the lying robots.
That's why they always have
that second-tier test,
the little picture test
with the eight pictures.
"Which picture has
a school bus, or a chimney,
or a crosswalk,
or a palm tree?
You would think
that's easily within the realm
of what a robot could do, right?
No, they can't.
They're stuffed, they stymied
by the picture test.
They get that far,
and then they go...
We don't know
what that is!
It's yellow and big and...
Ah, we gotta go back.
Can't do it.
They cannot do it.
Whereas I, not to brag,
am very good at these tests.
I, I...
I am. I get them
all right every time.
I'm very good at it. I can...
School bus, school bus,
not a school bus, not a school bus,
school bus, not a school bus,
not a school bus.
Give me another one. Come on.
No, I know I'm already in,
but I'm enjoying myself.
Keep them coming.
What have you got?
All right, chimney, chimney, not a chimney,
not a chimney, chimney,
chimney, not a chimney.
Crosswalk, crosswalk,
little piece of a crosswalk.
That counts.
Crosswalk, little crosswalk,
no crosswalk.
But they're not always easy.
Sometimes, they try to trip you up.
Palm tree, palm tree.
Well, it could be a ficus.
You know what? Hang on.
I don't know how specific
they want to be with the trees.
You know, I figured out
why I love these tests so much.
I'm just so happy to be asked
something I know.
Because there's so much
I don't know.
Because the brain
can only handle so much.
There's a certain point in life,
there's not much
that can get in there.
You know, all these things that
I'm talking about as we age,
they don't all happen
at one time, which...
That would be nice.
If they gave you a date,
and they said,
here's your old person date,
and then you can prepare,
and that's the day
when everything just goes bad.
But they don't do it like that.
They just eat, get out...
it's like a slow drip.
Every week,
I notice something new
that worked better
a few weeks ago.
Like... the last couple
of years, I was squinting a lot.
My eyes were... I was squinting.
Recently, I noticed
I'm going the other way.
Just whoa... Whoa...
Opening my eyes wide.
This isn't working.
That's got to do it.
I'll throw more vision
at the problem.
I'll will it into focus.
First time I noticed,
I was on my computer,
and I realized
I was making the font
a little bigger every week.
First time you go
from a 12 to 14,
it's like night and day.
You go, "that's fantastic."
Why didn't I do this years ago?
This is fantastic.
But then it's like crack.
You can't get enough.
You go, 18 is even better
than 14. Look at that!
You know what? 24.
Nothing to be
embarrassed about 36.
That, then, oh, that's...
48. Pretty damn good.
I mean like...
I'm at 157,
and honestly, just...
You can read it
from out of town.
That's how big the...
I had to get reading glasses.
Never had reading glasses.
Took them home,
Still couldn't really
make out the computer.
I called the eye doctor. I said,
"These glasses
are not really working.
"The computer is still blurry."
He said, "Oh, did you want
computer glasses?"
You told me you wanted
reading glasses.
I said, "What?"
He said, yeah, those are
two different focal lengths.
Reading your book is six
to eight inches from the eye.
A computer is generally
12 to 14 inches from the eye.
I said, "Yeah, but,
you could move the computer."
He said, "But you won't."
I said, "That's so true."
He said, "I'll give you
another pair.
"Use that for six to eight,
"use the other pair
for 12 to 14."
I said, "Let me ask you this.
"What if there's something
in the middle?"
And he said, "Don't look at it.
"What do you
want me to tell you?"
He said, "Nine, ten,
eleven inches.
"That's going to be a dead zone.
I'll tell you right now."
"I can help you
up to eight or after 12.
"In the middle,
you're on your own.
"Nothing I can do.
"If anybody approaches
in that area, tell them,
"move up or move back.
But don't hover."
So I got reading glasses.
I have computer glasses.
I have driving glasses.
I have driving at night glasses.
If I'm in my house,
and I wanna look out the window,
separate for glasses for that.
I got like 14 pairs
of glasses now. I'm solid.
I got all the glasses I need.
Problem is, my brain is fading.
I don't know
where the glasses are. So...
So they're not helping.
They're not helping.
And I had heard about that...
short-term memory.
They always tell you,
as you get older,
your short-term memory
will diminish.
So, I was anticipating
a little hit
to the short-term memory.
What I didn't understand
was just how short...
...the term is.
It's a short term.
I was talking to my friend.
I said, "Hey, this trip
you're going on?
"Is that for business?
Are you going just for fun?"
He said, "Oh, the latter."
And I went...
"I don't remember what order
I just said it."
I just said it!
That's not a memory. That's now.
That's short-term now.
I'm losing my now.
I don't remember
anything anymore.
But I'm honest about it.
I tell people right up front,
as they're talking to me,
I will tell them,
"Hey, just so you understand,
"this is the same as if
you weren't talking to me,
"okay? Just..."
"No, I can hear you,
and it's nice to see you,
"but it's not going in.
That's what I'm saying.
"If it's important,
write it down.
"Wait, you know what?
Tell my wife.
"But I'm telling you,
I can't hold it.
"I have maxed out.
My cloud is totally filled.
"I cannot...
"It cannot go in there."
Sometimes I do remember
what people tell me, but...
then I don't know
who told it to me.
That's the thing.
I spend a lot of my life going,
"Who was I talking to?
"Who was I talking to?
"I was just talking about that.
"Yes, the zebra
that exploded in the zoo.
"We were talking...
Who was I talking to?
"I heard...
who was I talking to?"
That's why it's great.
If you're married, if you have a...
If you're in a couple,
if you're married,
you're in a couple,
you have a built-in
backup system, 24-7.
You just go, "Honey, who were we
talking to about the zebra?
"Huh? Who were...
You weren't there?"
"Who was I talking to?
Do you have any idea?"
"Where have I been
the last four or five days?
"Any recollection?"
"Who could I
have been talking to? That's what I'm trying to get...
"Throw some names at me,
I'll see if anything rings a bell."
"Are you not keeping track?
"Remember, I asked you
to keep a list of where I go,
"and who I talked to?
Yes, I did.
"I asked... I didn't ask you?
I asked somebody.
"Who was I talking to?
"I could have sworn
that was you."
And again, see, we know
these things are gonna happen.
We've seen it happen
with other people.
So we know it's coming,
but we don't know when.
We don't even know
in what sequence
these things will happen.
So, right now, at this point,
I'm just on constant lookout,
waiting to see
which bodily function
goes south next.
And I had a frightening moment.
I was driving,
and I accidentally,
with my elbow,
I hit the... little dial for the seat heater.
So, the pinholes
are shooting up heat.
But I didn't know
that I did anything.
Do you understand?
So, I'm driving,
I'm minding my own business,
and just all of a sudden...
Hmmm...
This is new.
This is new.
I just noticed,
from the waist down,
everything was hot.
It was like a general hotness
in the bottom half of me.
And my first thought...
I'm not proud of this...
but my first thought was...
I think I just shit myself.
Yep.
Make a note, sweetie.
Today's the day it started. I...
Hmm? No, I don't
feel sick at all.
That's what's surprising.
No, I...
No, I didn't eat
anything out of the ordinary!
You were with me
the whole... you saw,
I was just sitting here,
driving, and...
dropped a load. I don't know
how to put it to you, but...
We're going to pull over,
change my pants,
and get a new car,
because we can't live like this.
We cannot live like this.
These are just some of
the wonderful highlights
we can look forward to
on our journey.
But I'll tell you, you know,
if you're lucky enough,
and you have the right partner
on your journey,
it makes the whole trip
a lot more manageable,
and a lot more entertaining.
If you're lucky enough to have
the right partner, and...
Right?
It helps. It helps.
And I have to say,
I am very, very lucky.
I married a wonderful woman...
initially, but you know what?
No, let me finish. Let me...
Here's how hard marriage is.
I absolutely married
the perfect woman.
She's beautiful,
she's intelligent,
she's independent,
she's successful,
she's kind-hearted,
she's a great mother,
and we're perfectly matched!
We had the same values,
the same taste,
same sense of humor,
same everything.
Couldn't be more perfectly
matched for each other.
And still...
With all that,
three out of five days,
I'm slamming my head
against a wall.
So that's how hard it is.
I have a friend
who's not married.
He's like in his 50s.
Not married,
never been married,
and he's never
going to be married.
And the reason I know that,
is he tells me
all the time, defiantly,
"I'll never get married."
He says, "I don't care
what you say, Paul.
"I will never get married."
And I tell him,
"I don't care."
I said I don't get
a commission.
You understand that? I...
I don't work
for the organization.
Just had the little TV show.
That was the whole extent of it.
I'm not involved.
He said, but...
He's mystified by my...
...marriage.
He said, "How do you do it?
"How do you stay with one woman
your whole life?
"What's the secret?"
I said what do I know?
I said, I don't know a secret.
I said, I've only been married
one time to one woman.
I said, and by the way,
in all that time,
I've only learned one thing,
if I'm being honest,
I said, and I'll give it to you.
If it helps,
I'll share it with you.
This is what I told him.
This is the only thing
I know to be true.
I said to him, I said,
...when you're with a woman,
sometimes,
you're going to
want to say something.
But...
...if a little voice
in your head
says, "I wouldn't say it now..."
...you want to
listen to the voice.
That's all I can tell you.
It's there to help you.
You may have a question,
and it can be a perfectly
reasonable question.
But if you hear a voice say,
"All right, but I wouldn't
ask it right now,"
trust the voice.
That's why it's there.
You'll never regret it.
Nobody gets to the end
of their life and goes,
"Oh, if only I could ask
more irritating shit,
"I could have, I could have...
"I had the opportunity,
and then I didn't do it." No.
Because by the way,
even if what you want to say
is sweet, and loving,
and wonderful,
it can come out wrong...
...as I have learnt.
So, okay, this happened.
The other day,
I had a really, a lovely moment.
I was watching my wife
in the house,
and I just... was watching her,
and I was overcome
with a really wonderful feeling
of appreciation
and affection and gratitude.
I was just watching her,
"I'm going, God, am I lucky!"
I said, "What a wonderful...
I'm so lucky.
"I married
such a wonderful woman."
And I said, "Boy, she does
a thousand things a day
"that we don't even know about
"that just keep
the trains running,
"and make our lives great.
"And she does...
She does everything for us.
"And boy, God forbid,
something ever happened to her,
"I'd be lost.
I wouldn't know how to go on.
"My life would be empty
and hollow without her."
This is what I'm thinking.
My wife sees me
staring at her oddly.
She said, 'What?"
Here's what
came out of my mouth.
"Nothing. I was just picturing
if you were dead..."
You see what I'm saying?
That's not reflective at all!
Um, what I... You see that!
It's very hard
to clean that one up,
I'll be honest.
But you learn,
you learn over time.
There are certain things
you can only learn
in a long-term relationship.
I have learned...
Okay, here's an example.
So when we're sleeping,
my wife, who I adore,
just so we're clear,
when we're sleeping,
she doesn't snore,
because women don't snore.
I understand.
I understand.
Having said that,
there is a noise, uh...
...coming out of
this area of her.
There is a noise that, if you
didn't know better, you'd go,
"That sounds like snoring."
And I actually kind of,
I don't mind it.
I find it endearing.
For the first few minutes,
anyway, I just marvel.
I go, "Really?"
"Really, a face that beautiful
"could make a sound
that atrocious.
"That doesn't seem possible."
But after a few minutes,
you want to go to sleep.
So here's what I've learned.
Again, only over time.
If you put your hand
on her shoulder,
and gently shove... Gently...
You know what?
Practice on the dog.
Listen to me.
The dog is sleeping on the bed,
and starts snoring.
Just go..."Ay!" If you hear,
That's too hard.
So, that's how you know.
Just... You want to
dial that down.
But not too soft because then
you've accomplished nothing.
So you want...
what you're aiming for...
You want to break
their breathing cycle.
That's what you're going for.
And you'll know you do it right
when you hear this sound.
That's it.
It's not pretty.
- It's not a pretty sound.
But that's what's...
It's like throwing
a wrench under a tractor.
It's not nice, but...
That's your cue to turn over
and go the hell to sleep.
Because if you linger,
her eyes will open,
and she'll just go,
"Did you just shove me?"
And you have to go,
"I don't think so."
"In fact, I'm sleeping.
"So I don't even know
why you're talking to me."
See, I...
I try to live
by the golden rule.
And we all know the golden rule.
Do unto others
as you would have done unto you.
It's a great idea in life.
It's great in life.
In marriage,
not so much.
Uh...
It doesn't always work
in marriage,
because I'll be honest,
there are many things I would
happily have done unto me,
that she don't like
done unto her.
And, and...
She's very vocal about it.
She goes, "I don't like
when you do that."
And it sounds like I'm talking
about something dirty. No.
No, I mean
simple things. Simple...
If she's driving,
and I'm in the passenger seat,
and I politely point out
that our exit is coming up,
oh, she gets so insulted.
"You don't have to
tell me. I know."
I said, "Well, all right. I...
"You know, hey, sometimes,
you point it out to me.
"And I don't get offended."
She goes, "Right,
because you don't mind."
I said, "Right! What?"
No, I'm saying I don't mind.
She goes, "Right. But I do,
"because I'm not you."
And that's when I go,
"Well, then,
"the golden rule is not
fucking working here, is it?"
Because I only know me.
I don't know
who else to draw from.
If the golden rule
is not working,
let's try the silver
or the bronze, because...
...the silver rule, I think,
"Do unto others' best guesses
of what you think they might like done unto them."
And the bronze rule is,
"You know what?
"Don't do unto anybody,
anything.
"Just sit there,
eat your chicken,
"wait till the show's over.
Just don't get involved."
And I don't wanna give you
the impression...
You know, I'm talking
a lot about my marriage and...
It's all good. You know,
I don't want to...
It's all good.
Know what I'm saying,
it's not all good.
But you know what I'm saying,
it's all good.
In general, it's all good.
It's like the world.
From space, looking down,
it's all good.
You zoom in close,
it's not all good.
You know what I'm saying?
But you have to scale back,
and it's all good.
When my friend asked me,
you know, what's the secret?
I said, I must have
learned something.
And I said "Actually,
I do have something.
"I have something for you."
And this,
I do believe to be true.
For any long-term relationship,
to keep it growing
and keep it moving,
you have to constantly find
something new
to fight about.
That is so important.
I cannot stress that enough.
So like in my house,
the current friction du jour
that I'm enjoying immensely,
uh, my wife who I adore,
we understand...
...she has come to view
with displeasure,
my response time.
Do you know what I mean
by response time?
The gap in the time continuum
from when she asks me something
to the microsecond
that I answer,
that gap is not
to her liking. She... -
She would prefer a snappy
or brisker retort
than the one I am affording.
And in fairness to her,
I got to be honest.
A lot of times I do respond,
but in my head.
I just forget to talk. I...
That's not her fault.
That's on me.
I... "Did I not speak?
I thought I spoke. I..."
"You know,
I just ran out of steam.
"At 4:30,
I just ran..."
So, sometimes I don't answer
because of whatever
that phenomenon is.
Sometimes, though,
I don't answer
because, to be honest,
I didn't hear the question.
I didn't hear it.
The hearing is not as crisp
as it used to be.
But that's not all the time.
Sometimes I don't answer
right away because I'm thinking.
She asked me a question,
I'd like to give an intelligent,
thoughtful response.
She doesn't buy it. She...
If I don't answer it right away,
she presumes it's just because
I'm old and deaf.
So what she'll do,
is she'll repeat
what she just said,
louder,
and with ten times
the hostility.
It jumps. It goes from,
"What do you want for supper,"
Straight to,
"what do you want for..."
"I know, I heard you,
sweetheart. I heard it.
"I was thinking. Maybe
I should've have gone, ah, do do do do do...
"Would that help you?
"Do-do-do-do... chicken."
And by the way,
her hearing is going too.
However, it's not her fault.
It's not her fault.
The way I understand it...
If I don't hear her,
that's because
my ears are going bad.
If she doesn't hear me,
that's because
I don't speak clearly.
So...
You see the problem.
Yes.
This is the problem area.
Either way you come at it,
here seems to be the problem.
And I called her on it one day.
I said, "Sweetie,
it's always me, really?
"It's always me.
It's never you?"
She said, "Yeah,
Now, get the car. We're late."
I said, "What,
where are we going?"
She said
we're not going anywhere.
I said, "Why did you say
get the car, we're late?"
She said, "I said,
you need to articulate."
I said, "Okay."
It's not how I heard.
I said, "Well, maybe
you need to articulate!"
And then she mumbled something
about going to truck yourself.
We don't have a truck. So...
You know,
it doesn't even make sense.
You see what I'm saying.
Yeah.
She's starting to lose it.
This is my concern. Yeah.
And all married couples
go through it.
My parents went through this.
I remember,
in their golden years,
my mother called me one night.
She said,
"I'm worried about your father.
"It's like he doesn't hear me.
"It's like he doesn't hear me."
So, she got him
to go to an audiologist.
The guy was like
the 12th best in town.
He was fine.
But this guy was smart.
First question
he said to my father,
"Mr. Reiser, let me ask you,
"how long are you married?"
My father said, "46 years. Why?"
The doctor said,
"There's the problem."
No, apparen...
There's a medical thing.
Apparently, if you hear
the same voice
for that duration of time,
it wears down
that particular frequency...
...in the ear canal.
That's what's happening.
That's a scientific thing.
Both ways.
Him to her,
her to him, him to him,
them to them...
Pronouns are not an issue.
Any two people,
over time,
will over-tax that pathway.
You can hear above,
you can hear below.
But that pathway, dead.
My problem
is a little more subtle.
Like I said,
I hear everything my wife says,
but apparently,
I hear it wrong.
I hear, "Well, if she said
what I heard, we're doing fine."
But often,
it's not what she said.
We were in the kitchen
the other day.
She's standing in front
of the cabinet
where we keep the candy,
and she's squinting.
She's looking
into the candy cabinet,
And she asked me...
I thought...
...for the name
of our ophthalmologist.
Well, I saw her squinting.
It didn't seem unreasonable.
So I said...
"Schneiderman."
"What?"
Our ophthalmologist
is Dr. Schneiderman.
"Okay."
"Why are you telling me that?"
I said, "Did you not just ask me
the name of our
ophthalmologist?"
She said, "No, I said
what happened to all the HOT TAMALES?"
I said, "All right, well...
"that's not how I heard it."
But I can see why
saying "Schneiderman" wasn't helpful there.
Unless Schneiderman
ate the HOT TAMALES.
but how could that...
No, it couldn't be. It's...
And what makes it extra tricky?
Sometimes, you're not
supposed to respond.
Sometimes you're not even
supposed to be listening.
Sometimes yes, sometimes no,
but it's not always clear
what rules are in effect
at any given moment.
So my lovely wife, who...
I adore...
We've established, right?
She will walk into the room,
and she'll very quietly go,
"Meh, I can't believe it."
I go, "What's the matter?"
She'll go,
"I was talking to myself."
I said, "Okay, sorry."
And then, at the exact
same volume, she'll go,
"Where did I put my phone?"
"Hello?"
That was to me then?
The second part?
So the second part was to me.
Okay, so the first one, no,
but the second one was to me.
You were talking to me?
She said, "Do you see
anybody else here?"
I'm like... "Mmm, mmm."
I thought you were
talking to yourself.
She said, well, evidently I was.
Okay.
I said, "My beloved...
"We need a system.
We need a system.
"Help me help you.
"How do I know
when you're talking to me,
"and when
you're talking to you?"
She said,
"It should be obvious."
I said...
"It's not. It's not.
"If it were obvious, we wouldn't
be having this conversation."
But it's always...
it's only the little things.
Like I said,
all the big things...
We get along
on all the big things, we agree.
It's only the little things
that will come up
and sort of jeopardize
a perfectly good union.
And I was... This was...
Again, I don't know
what things...
We're sitting around,
I had my phone out,
and I was trying to
plan my week, yeah?
And I said to my wife,
casually, very casually, I said,
"Sweetie, are we doing anything
Saturday night?"
She said...
"Are you kidding me?"
I'm like... Whoa!
And my knees buckle
a little bit. I said, whoa!
"Whoa!"
I think I'm forgetting
something quite significant.
Saturday... are we
getting divorced Saturday?
Is that...
I thought that was
just an idle threat.
But is that happening?
I'm sorry, what is Saturday?
She goes, we're having dinner
with Rob and Beth.
I said, oh, so that's on.
We're doing that?
She said, "Are you kidding me?"
She said, "You're the one
who asked us
"to make it Saturday.
"Remember we had
a whole conversation?"
She said, "We were going to
do it two weeks ago,
"but you couldn't do it,
and you asked me to see
"if they could move it
to this Sat...
"Do you really not recall
this whole conversation?"
And I said, "Well,
the first half, yes,
"I remember asking you
to see if they could move it,
"but they never got back.
I never heard back
"that yes, they can do it.
And yes, we're on.
She said, "Okay, well,
but... I told you."
I said, how do we know that?
Do you have film
of you telling me?
I said, "Why do you assume
I forgot that you told me?
"Maybe you forgot
that you didn't tell me?
"That could happen."
And it wouldn't
have been a big deal,
but it happened to be
the third day in a row.
I forgot something stupid.
And that's the one
that broke her. It broke her.
It was one, too many...
She wasn't angry.
She went beyond anger,
to a state I had never seen.
Uh...
She just looked
at me differently.
She looked at me
with such a look of compassion
and affection and just...
genuine... just...
it was just so angelic.
She looked at me, and she said,
I'm worried about you.
"I'm... I think we have to
have you checked."
I said, checked?
For what?
She said, "I don't know,
"dementia,
or early onset, something.
"Something is happening."
I said, "Sweetie,
"20 years ago,
it would have been early.
"This is on time. This..."
"This is..."
Yeah.
"This is on time onset.
That's what this is.
"This is precisely when
onset would set on."
I said, "But play it out.
"How would that even help you?"
Let's say I go to a doctor.
He looks in my head and goes,
"Yeah, we see
that he's got a thing.
"There's something
sitting on his memory.
"And that's why his memory...
he is forgetting things,
because there's a thing
on his memory.
How would that help you?
She said, "'Cause at least then,
I would know I could adapt.
"I would adjust, I would
write things down for you.
"I'd repeat things. I'd be
more patient. I'd be nicer.
I said, "Why don't we go
straight to that?"
If you got
a perfectly good solution,
why would you
hold it back like that?
She said, "No, I'm not gonna...
"Unless you have a note
from your doctor,
"I'm not going to be nicer. No.
"No, unless you have
an actual medical condition,
"I'm not going to assist you.
Step up your game,
"and you start
remembering these things
"because this is not okay!"
I said, "Why don't I
split the difference?
"Say I got a little bit
of something, and you just be a little bit nicer?
"And then we'll bump it up
every year."
A little bit,
little bit, little bit,
till we get to
the end of our lives.
I said, "You'll be
the nicest person in the world,
"and I won't remember
any of this."
Thank you so much, folks!
Thank you, Denver.
I'm going to say one thing,
and then I'll let you go.
That's how I get off the phone
with my family and friends, by the way. I go,
"You know, let me let you go."
Sometimes they trip you up.
"We don't have to go."
"All right, well,
let me let you let me go."
"I don't know how..."
"I'm pulling the plug
one way or the other."
Now, I just wanna say one thing.
You know,
at the top of the show,
I said I wasn't going to say
anything important.
I changed my mind.
I'm gonna say
something very important,
and I'm gonna... Hear this...
I'm gonna share with you
the secret of life.
I'm going to tell you
the secret of life.
But it came to me
in a very odd way.
Years ago,
I got to make a movie,
and I worked with...
my idol, Peter Falk.
Do you remember
Peter Falk, Colombo?
When I was a kid,
I didn't care about acting.
Comedians... my idols
were all comedians.
I never cared about acting.
But when I was
like eight years old,
I saw Peter Falk in a movie.
I said, "What's this guy doing?
I love this guy!"
So, years went by
and I said, I want to... work with him.
I wrote a movie
where he played my father,
and we got to be friends.
And so one day,
we're talking about comedy.
And I said, "Well,
so what do you like?
"What kind of comedies
do you like?"
So Peter Falk says,
"Well, you know, uh..."
"...to be honest,
"a lot of the things
that make me laugh.
"They don't make
other people laugh."
I said, "Well, try me.
I'd be curious."
So he tells me this story
which I'm gonna share with you.
And I thought it was funny.
I thought it was
a very funny story.
But over the years,
I thought about it.
I said, it's more than funny.
This story has hidden inside it,
the secret of life.
Here's the story.
So, Peter goes
to lunch at a deli,
a New York-style deli,
all right?
Waiter, old school waiter,
but waiting tables 100 years,
seen it all, nothing fazes him.
He comes to the table,
and he says,
"Would anybody like dessert?"
Peter Falk says,
"Do you have rice pudding?"
The guy says yes.
Peter goes, "Hang on.
"Before you bring it,
"Does it have raisins?"
The guy says no.
He says, "Are you sure?"
He says yeah.
He says, "You're positive?
Because, a lot of places,
"they put raisins
in their rice puddings.
"And I can't eat raisins.
"If it has a raisin,
I don't want it.
I'll tell you right now,
"if it has raisins, I don't want it."
The waiter says, "Mr. Falk,
"I don't know how else
to tell you no.
"There's no raisins
in the rice pudding.
Peter Falk says,
"All right, I'll have it."
Waiter goes to the kitchen,
brings out the rice pudding.
It's a chockful
of raisins. Just...
Just covered. Top to bottom.
Through the glass,
dark with raisins.
Peter Falk says,
"Hey, I thought you said there's no raisins!"
The waiter
just shrugged and said,
"Here and there
you'll find a raisin."
And I said, well,
that's what life is, isn't it?
Nothing is all good.
Even the things you love
have things in it
you don't love!
But that's just the cost
of doing business.
So that's what I wish
for you nice people.
In the rice pudding of life,
deal with the raisins,
but don't forget
to enjoy the pudding.
Thank you so much.
Good night.
Well...
Thank you.
And let me just say,
you're not wrong.
It is great to see me.
It is.
So nice to be here
in this beautiful theater in your beautiful city.
I am so glad...
I have so many things to tell you.
None of which are important.
I just want to establish that
up front.
Manage those expectations.
Nothing said tonight
will have any political,
social or cultural
relevance whatsoever.
Just so we're clear.
Nothing.
None of that.
In fact, I'd go so far as to say
no redeeming value, frankly.
So, if you leave tonight going,
"You know, he really got me thinking,"
that's on you, okay?
But I am very excited.
We we have cameras.
We're taping a special.
How about that?
Isn't that exciting?
Very exciting.
Yeah, I have not done one
in a while.
It has been a while.
You know, a lot of my friends...
You see comedians,
and they have a new special
every 12 months,
every 18 months.
Not me.
Last one I did, 1991, okay?
That's right.
Yeah, I like
to space them out, you know?
Every 32 years, like clockwork,
I send another one
down the chute
so as to not overstay
my welcome.
Yeah, every 32 years.
So the next one after this,
if my math is correct,
I'm gonna be 97, so...
Yeah. I don't know
how funny I'll be at 97.
So let's enjoy tonight,
shall we?
See, a lot of people...
A lot of people lie about their age,
and they like to pretend
they're younger than they actually are.
Which I don't understand.
Maybe some of you
are doing it right now.
I don't get it.
Because, first of all,
you're not fooling
anybody, okay?
But even if you do,
you're not really helping yourself
because people can see you.
So while you're lying,
they're looking at you,
and very often,
what you're saying
doesn't line up
with what they're seeing. -
For example... Let's say...
Let's say I was very convincing,
and I told you I was 35.
Okay. Your next thought
would have to be,
"You don't look good."
"That's a tired-ass-looking
35-year-old. That's..."
Right. But if I told you
I was 89, you'd go,
"God bless.
He looks great for 89."
So if you're gonna lie,
go that way. That's what I say.
But I've never understood.
I have a friend who does this.
He lies about his age to me.
I grew up with the guy, okay?
So I know how old he is.
We were 10 together.
We were 20 together
and we were 30 together,
and that's the last time
it lined up.
Right around there,
he just got off the clock.
He likes to pretend
the last three decades never happened.
He just lives in a fairy...
And it's embarrassing.
We go out to dinner, and he's...
He's flirting
with every cute waitress.
"How are you doing, darling?"
I go, "What are you doing?
Jackass, what are you doing?"
He said, "No,
I'm not gonna do anything.
"I just... I just want to see
if I still got it."
And I tell him, "You don't.
"You don't."
"Just ask me. You don't have it.
Don't put her through that.
"There's no call for that."
"You don't have it.
"1982 was the last time
we had it. We don't have it."
"It is no longer had by us."
I said, "What do you think
is gonna happen?
"Let's compare and contrast,
shall we?"
I said, "She's a beautiful
young woman.
"Has her whole life
ahead of her.
"Whereas you
"are overweight, pasty
and knocking on death's door.
"So what do you imagine
she would find appealing about you?
"The fact that you smell
vaguely like her grandfather?
"Is that what you want?"
He said, "No.
I had to talk to her."
He said, "I had to talk to her
because she's so cute."
"I had to talk to her."
I said, "No, you don't have to."
I said, "You can
appreciate something
"without getting
personally involved.
"It's like a beautiful sunset.
"I see that it's beautiful,
but I'm not trying to hump it.
"Do you see what I'm saying?"
You know, the crazy thing
about the aging thing,
we all have
older people in our lives.
All right, so we see
what happens to them.
So we think we have
a pretty good idea
of what to expect
when we get older.
But no...
...there are surprises.
Things they don't tell you.
Here's one I didn't see coming.
Sleep. When did that
become a challenge?
Sleep?
Are you kidding?
My whole life, I slept.
I didn't even think about it.
Put my head down,
I'm sleeping, that's all.
Now I've lost the gift.
I don't know what's happening.
I just know, every morning,
first words out of my mouth,
"Yeah, I didn't sleep
so good last night."
I mean... Like, every day.
Here's another thing
that I didn't see coming.
As you get older,
do you find you get hurt
in ways
you didn't used to get hurt.
I injured myself
doing something stupid.
Which, by the way,
that is the number one cause
of injury in this country,
is doing something stupid.
You ask anybody
how they got hurt,
I guarantee you
the first thing they'll tell you,
"Yeah, it was so stupid."
It's like, "Yeah, of course."
Right? Because nobody gets hurt
doing anything smart.
You've never heard of that.
"I was working on algorithms
for the space program,
"and my brain just caved in,
"and that's why I look
like this. I was so smart."
No, it's always stupid.
It's always something stupid.
"Yeah, I was climbing a ladder
in flip flops."
"Okay, well, that's not smart."
"Yeah, no,
I was boiling pasta naked."
"Okay, why?
Why would you do that?" -
That's the whole purpose
behind pants.
There's no reason for that.
My injury was stupid,
but I learned something,
and I'll share it with you.
Here's what I learned, folks.
At a certain age,
don't help anybody
move a couch.
You just leave it
or get a young person.
There's no reason
for you to get involved.
I didn't even think about it.
My friend said, "You wanna grab that?
"We want to scooch it back."
So I lift,
and just as I lift it,
I heard a pop in my arm.
I said, "Whoa, that's not good."
There shouldn't be noise in my shirt.
Anybody hear that?
It really hurt.
But then 10 seconds later,
it didn't hurt.
So I thought, "Well, maybe
I just dodged a bullet."
You know, "Maybe I tweaked it."
No.
The next morning, I look down,
things have moved.
The whole... The muscle...
It's not like a big muscle.
I'm not trying to show off.
I'm just saying, whatever sad,
pathetic muscle I had,
fell. It just fell.
So instead of being
like a gradual little mound,
it was a puny hill
gathered at the bottom.
It was just... It didn't hurt,
but it looked wrong.
So I said,
"I've got to get this fixed."
So I had to find a surgeon.
Orthopedic surgeon.
My friend says,
"I got the guy for you.
"I got the guy. I got the guy.
Don't even look around."
He said, "I got the guy,
my guy, I got the best guy.
"My guy is the best."
Do you ever notice,
all your friends always have the best guy.
Nobody has
the seventh best dentist.
You've never heard that.
"I have the 35th
best proctologist."
No, they're all the best.
They can't all be the best.
Like my regular doctor,
my checkup guy,
he's not the best. I know that.
He's... And I'm fine with it.
He's okay. He's like...
He's in the top 20
in his building, I would imagine.
You know, he's fine.
He's fine. -
He's is not a particularly
great doctor,
but he's got terrific parking,
and I love that.
The in and out of there.
But my friend said,
"No, you got to go.
"He's great, he's great.
You're gonna love him." And he kept selling.
I said, "I'm going."
He said, "No, you'll love him."
"He's a great guy, great guy.
He's very thorough. Great guy, great guy."
And then he says,
"And he's really handsome."
I'm like, "Okay."
It's not something
I generally look for
when choosing
a medical practitioner, but whatever. Okay.
So I go. They put me
in a little examination room,
and I'm there 10 minutes
by myself.
Door opens, doctor walks in,
Guy was really handsome.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
Even with my friend's warning,
I was still a little thrown.
Like, "Whoa, look at you."
"Hang on, look at you.
That's a good-looking guy.
"Look at this guy
with a square jaw and a full head of hair.
"That's a good-looking guy."
It struck me,
"That shouldn't be."
If you're already
the top surgeon in the country,
you don't get
to be good-looking, too.
That's not right.
Pick one or the other.
That's not how this works.
Pick one or the other.
It's like sometimes,
you meet somebody and they're really attractive,
and then they turn out
to be stupid.
You go, "Fair enough. Okay."
Pick one.
But this guy, he was great.
He was very thorough.
He did an MRI, did an X-ray.
He said, "You know,
well, you did some damage."
He said, he goes,
"You have a little tear in your rotator cuff."
He said, "But that's not
your big problem."
He said, "Your big problem..."
I said, "I know,
I'm emotionally unavailable." He said...
Perhaps it's not my area.
He said,
"Your your big problem,"
get ready, he said,
"Your bicep
is partially detached."
I said, "Hang on, Doc,
I gotta throw up a little bit."
I said,
"Why would you say that?"
He goes,
"I see it all the time."
I said, "All right,
so what do we do now? A little surgery?"
He says, "Well, you can,
"but you don't have to."
I said, "What does that mean?"
He said, "Well, the best
I can do is I'm gonna bring you back
"to where you were
before you hurt yourself."
He said,
"But you're telling me you can do everything."
I said, "Yeah,
I've got full range of motion."
He says, "All right,
and you're not in any pain?"
I said, "No, there's no pain."
And he says, "Yeah, so,
"I would just leave it."
I said is,
"Is that where I'm at?
"Are we already there?
Is that what's happening?"
"We're just gonna run down
the clock now?
"Is that what we're doing?"
"Just leave it." Oh, my God.
If I was real estate,
I'm not even a fixer-upper,
I'm a tear-down.
Just stick it out
as long as you can,
but I wouldn't put more money
into it at this point.
He said, "I can hear you
when you say that."
I said, "No, we're gonna do
the surgery, Dr. Handsome,
"and I'll tell you why."
I said, "We're gonna do it,
because if we don't,
"I think that sends
the wrong message
"to all the other parts
that are still working."
I mean, they see
a tendon float by,
they go, "Look at this.
He doesn't even give a shit anymore.
"The whole place
is falling apart.
"Why should we pump blood
to his heart?
"He's not gonna be around,"
you know.
So I did the surgery,
and I'm happy to report
that after months of rehab
and thousands of dollars,
he was able to make me
exactly as weak
as I was right before.
So there you go. That's right.
Thank you for applauding
my slow demise.
But I have much
to be grateful for.
I have my health,
such as it is,
and I have my family,
I have...
A little bit about myself,
my wife and I,
we have two boys,
one of whom I don't care for.
And I'm just... To be honest.
I'm just being honest with you.
You know, I love him.
Don't get me wrong.
I love him, but you know...
You know how some kids,
they just know how to push your buttons,
and they just know
how to say the wrong thing.
So my younger son, he's 23.
Twenty-four, if we pick up
the option,
and I don't know
that we will. -
But he'll just come over
and he'll go,
"Dad, can I say
something to you, no offense?"
And I go, "I doubt it."
"That has not been
my experience with you thus far."
Right, because nobody
ever says, "No offense"
unless they're about
to offend you.
They just let you know
it's coming, and they don't care.
They don't care.
It's like when people say,
"You know, I don't want to sound racist..."
"Well, then stop talking.
"Why don't you stop
right there? -
"Just don't say it.
"Don't say it,
because even you have a hunch
"it's not good,
don't you? Yeah.
"So maybe don't say it.
"Because if you say it,
"I'll have to think
you're a racist. No offense."
No offence.
I mean, you know...
No, listen, we all want to be terrific parents.
We want... We aspire
to be great parents.
But if we're being honest,
we're all winging it.
We don't know
what the hell we're doing.
None of us know what...
But if there's one skill...
If there's one skill that you need
to be an efficient parent,
you have to worry.
That's the main thing.
You have to worry.
I don't judge anybody,
but if you have kids
and you're not worried,
I don't think
you're doing it right.
You have to worry.
I'm not saying do anything,
but just worry. Start there.
It's an important skill to have.
And not to brag,
I'm very good at it.
I'm very good at worrying.
Even if there's nothing
to worry about,
I'll make something up.
I don't care.
I do. I'll lie in bed,
make up lists,
come up with lists
like "Ways to get hurt
"I had not
thought of previously."
And by way, all the things
I worry about,
They never happen.
They never happen.
Nobody's ever gotten
their head stuck in a lawnmower.
Okay, but I thought of it.
It could have happened.
Nobody ever reached into a dryer
to pull out socks,
fell in and ended up
drying to death.
That's not the thing.
You know,
and I've been around long enough to know
that worrying, it doesn't help.
It doesn't prevent
anything, right?
It doesn't even...
It doesn't even prepare us for anything.
But still, we prepare.
I know I prepare.
If I'm on a plane
and we hit a little turbulence,
you know, the five seconds
where you think you're going down,
I prepare by doing this.
Because this is really
all the insulation
you need upon impact. This is...
That way, if the plane
does go down
and I'm the sole survivor,
I can tell everybody,
"You know what kept me alive.
"I had my fists balled up
very, very tight.
"And to be honest,
my asshole was clenched shut...
"...like a bank vault
on a Sunday."
That puppy was closed
for business.
Nobody getting in
or out of there.
That was closed.
"So when we hit,
I just bounced right up.
"That's what happened.
There I was.
"I'm the only one.
We hit a... Pow.
Bounced right up.
I was saved by the grace of God
and just the the sheer rigidity
of my own sphincter.
That's what did it. Pow.
I told you this would not
be important, didn't I?
It has been a crazy year.
Well, for everybody.
But let's, let's focus on me.
A lot of upheaval
in my family. We moved.
We moved this year,
and the kids found us.
That was surprising.
I did not anticipate
that kind of follow-through.
No, we moved.
It was a big deal for the kids
because we had been
in this house for 20 years.
So their whole childhood
was in this house.
And here's what I learned.
You know, you cannot
sell your house
until you fix it up.
Did you know that?
Because nobody
in their right minds
is gonna buy your house
after what you
and the kids have done to the place,
living like animals
all these years.
No, new people
deserve better, don't they? -
All the things
that never bothered you enough to fix
while you lived there,
you're gonna snap to it
for these next imaginary people
so they shouldn't
have to live like monkeys
in a pile of their own filth.
So we got to work.
We steamed the furniture,
cleaned the carpets,
painted the walls outside,
new shrubs, new hedges,
new grass, new flowers.
Suddenly, I looked around
and went,
"This place looks great.
"Boy, I wish we lived here.
This is..."
I'll tell you,
it's not until you move
and you start opening
cabinets and closets,
it's not until then
that you realize
just how much crap...
...you have accumulated.
You shouldn't have to move
just to get rid of crap.
You know, we could,
theoretically, get rid of a little crap
every once in a while,
and whittle it down.
But that's not
the way crap works.
No, crap likes
to stay out of sight
where it grows in the dark.
Just as your family
has grown over the years,
so has your crap.
That's kind of...
If you think about it, it's kind of the arc of life.
First half of life,
we're just getting stuff,
get stuff.
You can't get enough stuff.
Get stuff.
Get to a certain age,
get rid of that stuff,
get rid of that stuff,
get rid...
That's the roller coaster
of life.
Accumulate, shed.
Accumulate, and then shed.
We accumulate things
and people. We accumulate people.
When you're young,
you can't meet enough people.
Right? You mean a nice couple,
"We should get their number.
I like them.
"We should be friends
with them.
"And their other friends,
I like them, too. Get their number.
"We'll all get together.
The six of us, we'll have dinner.
"And if that goes well,
we'll get an RV,
"I think we'll all
go cross country.
"I think...
"I have a good feeling
about these people."
You can't get enough.
And then you get to a certain age,
you go the other way.
All these people
that you were so eager to meet,
Now, "You know what?
I don't want to see these people anymore.
"I'm tired of these people.
I can't do it.
"I'm tired of these people.
Should we get new people?
"No, I'm saying,
no more people.
"No more people.
That's what I'm saying.
"No more people.
Just you and me.
"That's how it's gonna be.
Just you and me.
"And frankly, some days,
I would whittle that list down further.
"Let's let's try you and me."
We all have too many friends.
How many friends
do you need, really?
Three? I'm gonna say three.
If you have three good friends,
consider yourself blessed.
And the others, cut 'em.
Just let 'em go.
It's just too much work.
You know, everything, you have to reciprocate.
"Oh, they invited us,
now we gotta invite them.
"They sent us a thing,
"all right, we gotta
send them a thing.
Just cut 'em. And, by the way,
they'll thank you.
They were gonna cut you,
just so you understand.
So it's a win-win.
But don't cut them all.
You need three.
You definitely need three,
and I'll tell you why.
Friends do serve
a certain function,
so you need one friend...
You need one friend
just to agree with you
how horrible
the other friends are.
That's one.
Then you need one friend...
This is really important.
You need one friend
whose children
are more troubled than yours.
That's so important.
You've got to find that family.
It's not nice...
I'm not saying...
But it's so important,
'cause you just feel better
about yourself, don't you?
"You know what, honey?
Our kids are lazy and stupid."
"Yeah, okay. But that kid's
out of his fucking mind.
"That kid's a nut.
"That kid's nuts.
"Oh, those poor people.
"Yes, we should count
our blessings
"with these two idiots
because that's...
"That's no way to live."
So that's two.
And then the third,
in case once in a while,
you need a ride to the airport.
But that's like...
And the rest, cut 'em.
Cut 'em. You don't need 'em.
But that's what this point
in life is about.
Just shed, shed.
We accumulate, and then we shed.
There's a third stage.
Very tiny, short, brief stage
at the top of that curve,
when you have
just the right number of people,
just the right number
of things, but you don't know it.
You don't know it
till you go past it.
Amazon drops off some crap
you didn't even know you ordered,
and you're going,
"What is this, sweetie? An avocado pit remover.
"Why? Why?"
"We'll be having difficulty
removing the pits from the avocado."
You don't want it,
but you have it,
so you throw it in the drawer,
and that's what breaks you.
A week later,
you put your house on the market.
That's why one piece
of crap too many. -
And then it's time to downsize.
So now how do you get rid
of your crap?
I'm gonna tell you.
Three piles. That's the answer.
Everything you have
goes into one of three piles.
Garbage pile, save pile,
and then the biggest one,
not sure pile. -
And that's the Holy Trinity
of downsizing.
Garbage, save,
not sure.
Now start with the garbage pile,
and you'll notice
you've got a problem,
because not everything
in the garbage pile
is actually garbage.
Some of it still works.
Those are the two words
that have kept this crap in your life
year after year.
You thought about
throwing it out. "Still works.
"Maybe I'll put it back
and let it die a natural death.
"I don't want to rush it.
It's still...
"You know, this Sony Walkman
cassette player. This...
"I know we don't use cassettes,
and we never will,
"but if we did,
this is REO Speedwagon.
"Listen to that.
It's still going.
"It's still going."
"You know,
this electric blanket,
"I know the kids are grown,
and this is a ratty,
"disgusting, fiery death trap,
"but you know what?
That still... Wow.
"That's still working.
Look at that."
So what do you do?
What do you do?
You have something that still works,
but you don't want to...
Have a garage sale, right?
Have a yard sale.
People enjoy it.
Personally, I can't do it.
I can't do it.
It takes a certain type
of balls.
It takes a certain magnitude
of moxie
to look a stranger in the eye,
and just tell him,
"I don't want this crap anymore,
"but you might.
"Take a look. All my crap
could be your crap like that."
So I can't do that.
But you can always find
somebody who can use it.
You go, "Hey, you know what,
the neighbor's kid
"just got his first apartment.
"Give him that lamp. The lamp.
"I know it's ugly,
and the base is wobbly,
"and the neck is hanging
by a thread,
"but it still works.
"Kid's not gonna want
to sit in the dark. Give him a lamp."
Here's the problem there.
Kid could get insulted.
Kid go, "You giving me this?
"It's a piece of crap."
And you have to go, "I know.
"That's why
I'm giving it to you.
"I'm not gonna give you
the good stuff.
"I'm giving you the crap."
On the other hand,
it could go the other way.
Kid might go,
"You're getting rid of this?"
"Oh, I love this. Thanks."
And that's where you'll go,
"You know what? Let me have that back.
"I was on the fence,
to be honest,
"but when I saw your enthusiasm,
"I realized I was a bit hasty."
But one way or another,
whether you throw it out,
give it away, donate it,
the garbage pile goes away.
Save pile, that's very simple.
Just put everything in a box,
kick it down the road,
you'll deal with it
next time you move,
or just wait till you're dead,
and the kids can fight over who wants it less.
Then you get to the mother lode,
the not sure pile.
This is where a lot of marriages
and mental health go to die.
Because there are
a lot of decisions. And what is in there?
What is it
that we're so not sure about?
It's always
sentimental stuff, right?
You open the closet, "Oh, look,
"the kids' finger paintings
from kindergarten.
"the diorama
of the Navajo Village
"from second grade
that we did all the work on,
"if I remember correctly.
"We can't throw that out."
"No, throw it out.
This is not what you want to take
"into the next chapter
of your life.
"Throw it. It has no value."
The only value
is in that second
when you find it,
you go,
and then throw it the fuck out.
You don't want it.
You don't want it.
Don't put it back.
It won't increase in value.
It's not a Picasso, okay?
The hardest part,
when I got to my crap,
I could not believe
what I had been dragging with me
for decades.
I had boxes of crap...
Started in my parents' house.
When I got my first apartment,
I put a bunch of crap in a box,
whole bunch of boxes,
took 'em with me
to my apartment.
Never opened it.
Didn't need to.
Moved from New York,
moved out to California,
Crap came with me.
Now I have California crap. Okay.
Got married, got a house.
Now I got a...
Crap is in the house.
We got kids, needed more room,
crap went into storage,
now it's back.
I don't know how that happened,
but here it is.
So now we're downsizing,
and we have to finally open
these hermetically sealed
time capsules.
And what have I been dragging
around with me for 50 years?
I go, "Ah, look,
my Little League trophy.
"'Fifth place. Nice effort.'
Look at that, sweetie."
Yes.
"Your husband made
a nice effort in 1968.
"I don't think
you were aware of that.
"You're married
to quite the athlete. You don't know..."
Then went, "Ah, look,
my book report from 4th grade.
"Huckleberry Finn.
I got an A++.
"Maybe the kids
would enjoy reading..."
No, they don't.
Let me help you. They don't.
They don't. They never will.
You don't want your crap.
Imagine how much your kids
don't want your crap.
Because kids are not
nostalgic, you know.
Kids have not been around
long enough to nostalge.
They don't have that.
Kids are looking forward.
Kids are all about the future,
whereas you have
very limited future.
Let's be honest.
No, I don't care
how old you are,
what kind of shape you're in,
I'm just saying, every day, less future.
You understand this, right?
I can't be the first person
explaining this to you.
Every day, less future.
If you think I'm lying,
tomorrow morning, look at your calendar.
"He was right. One day less."
There's less.
And they're not making more.
This is it, folks. This is it.
So, you know, use it wisely.
For God's sake,
don't do what I did.
Don't waste your precious
remaining days
going through boxes
of letters
from girls who broke up
with you in 10th grade,
that you've been saving
in the off chance
that maybe they'll rethink it...
...and come crawling back.
Like they're gonna show up
at my door now,
"Why did I ever break up
with you in 1973?"
You can pull out the letter.
"Does that ring a bell, sweetheart?"
No, that ship has sailed.
You're all... You're married,
she's married.
Plus, you're both old.
You know what? It's not that...
What you remember
is not how it is.
The cute girl that you remember
from the high school yearbook
with the tight jeans
and the perky sweater,
she's now
a 68-year-old grandmother
of five, okay?
She has an arthritic hip,
she doesn't hear in one ear,
and you, I think we know
what's happened with you, so...
Move on. This is what
I'm telling you people.
Move on.
Let it go.
You ever bump into somebody
that you haven't seen,
like since high school?
That can be a jolt.
That's a jolt,
because, you know,
we only remember people
the way we last saw them.
We don't extrapolate over time.
So I had a...
I did a show back east.
I was in New York,
I did a show.
After the show,
a woman came...
Lovely woman, maybe 70,
came over, she said to me,
"You went to college
in Binghamton, New York."
I said, "Yes, I did."
She said, "Do you remember
a girl, Debbie Miller?"
I said, "Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Is that your daughter?"
She went, "No, it's me."
I went... -
"I don't think so.
"That's not
how I remember it at all.
"I happen to have
the yearbook right here.
"Let me show you. Here.
You look like that.
"What has happened to you?
"No, me,
I have mirrors in my house.
"I'm not shocked anymore.
"But you...
"I turn my back for,
what, 50 years,
"and you let this happen. Why?"
I don't make fun of anybody.
It's not...
Listen, I am not perfect.
I-I am not perf...
You know, when you pay
with a credit card
while it's reading the chip,
it says, "Do not remove"?
Sometimes I remove.
Just being honest.
I don't know
why they care so much.
What if I remove it?
Who am I hurting?
I'll put it back.
It's not a big... What?
There's no lying.
I'm the only one here.
I'm gonna put it in.
I'll take it out. I'll put it back. Who cares?
I don't know why they...
I've gotten very skeptical
of any kind of... Any kind of,
you know, notice, or...
I got a thing
on my phone the other day,
those updates,
"Your data storage cloud
"is completely filled."
And my brain went straight to,
"Is it, though?
Is it, really? Is it?" -
"Oh, yes, it is filled.
"That's why we're reaching out.
It is totally filled."
"That's weird, because I never
put anything in the cloud."
"Well, be that as it may,
"it's stuffed.
It is totally stuffed.
"Shit's falling out
of your cloud.
"I hate to tell you,
the other clouds
"have been mentioning it
because it's not pretty, what's happening.
"It's just disgusting up there.
"It's coming out of your cloud."
"Can I see the cloud?"
"No. Nobody sees the cloud.
"Nobody not no-how.
"But it is stuffed.
"That's why we're...
I'll tell you what, though,
"for $999, I can get you
a bigger cloud.
"You're gonna like this cloud.
"You can't see
this one either, but trust me, it's the el grande.
I don't trust these people.
I don't trust them.
And by the way,
they don't trust us.
They don't trust us.
How many times
have you gone on a website
and they don't even believe
that you're a human being?
And they have to screen you.
"Are you a robot?
"We won't be mad, just be...
Honestly, are you a robot?"
"Let me ask you,
if I was a robot,
"why would I tell you?
"Doesn't that kind of defeat
the whole purpose of being a robot?"
Because robots
are not stupid, you know.
We program robots
to do a lot of smart things.
I'll bet you,
with a little extra effort,
we could teach them to lie.
It's not that hard.
Just type it in.
"If they ask, 'Are you a robot?'
"You say, 'No.'"
You can even program
a little attitude.
"Do I look
like a fucking robot?"
You know,
why couldn't they do that?
Okay. Okay.
But they're expecting that.
They're ready
for the lying robots.
That's why they always have
that second-tier test,
the little picture test
with the eight pictures.
"Which picture has
a school bus, or a chimney,
or a crosswalk,
or a palm tree?
You would think
that's easily within the realm
of what a robot could do, right?
No, they can't.
They're stuffed, they stymied
by the picture test.
They get that far,
and then they go...
We don't know
what that is!
It's yellow and big and...
Ah, we gotta go back.
Can't do it.
They cannot do it.
Whereas I, not to brag,
am very good at these tests.
I, I...
I am. I get them
all right every time.
I'm very good at it. I can...
School bus, school bus,
not a school bus, not a school bus,
school bus, not a school bus,
not a school bus.
Give me another one. Come on.
No, I know I'm already in,
but I'm enjoying myself.
Keep them coming.
What have you got?
All right, chimney, chimney, not a chimney,
not a chimney, chimney,
chimney, not a chimney.
Crosswalk, crosswalk,
little piece of a crosswalk.
That counts.
Crosswalk, little crosswalk,
no crosswalk.
But they're not always easy.
Sometimes, they try to trip you up.
Palm tree, palm tree.
Well, it could be a ficus.
You know what? Hang on.
I don't know how specific
they want to be with the trees.
You know, I figured out
why I love these tests so much.
I'm just so happy to be asked
something I know.
Because there's so much
I don't know.
Because the brain
can only handle so much.
There's a certain point in life,
there's not much
that can get in there.
You know, all these things that
I'm talking about as we age,
they don't all happen
at one time, which...
That would be nice.
If they gave you a date,
and they said,
here's your old person date,
and then you can prepare,
and that's the day
when everything just goes bad.
But they don't do it like that.
They just eat, get out...
it's like a slow drip.
Every week,
I notice something new
that worked better
a few weeks ago.
Like... the last couple
of years, I was squinting a lot.
My eyes were... I was squinting.
Recently, I noticed
I'm going the other way.
Just whoa... Whoa...
Opening my eyes wide.
This isn't working.
That's got to do it.
I'll throw more vision
at the problem.
I'll will it into focus.
First time I noticed,
I was on my computer,
and I realized
I was making the font
a little bigger every week.
First time you go
from a 12 to 14,
it's like night and day.
You go, "that's fantastic."
Why didn't I do this years ago?
This is fantastic.
But then it's like crack.
You can't get enough.
You go, 18 is even better
than 14. Look at that!
You know what? 24.
Nothing to be
embarrassed about 36.
That, then, oh, that's...
48. Pretty damn good.
I mean like...
I'm at 157,
and honestly, just...
You can read it
from out of town.
That's how big the...
I had to get reading glasses.
Never had reading glasses.
Took them home,
Still couldn't really
make out the computer.
I called the eye doctor. I said,
"These glasses
are not really working.
"The computer is still blurry."
He said, "Oh, did you want
computer glasses?"
You told me you wanted
reading glasses.
I said, "What?"
He said, yeah, those are
two different focal lengths.
Reading your book is six
to eight inches from the eye.
A computer is generally
12 to 14 inches from the eye.
I said, "Yeah, but,
you could move the computer."
He said, "But you won't."
I said, "That's so true."
He said, "I'll give you
another pair.
"Use that for six to eight,
"use the other pair
for 12 to 14."
I said, "Let me ask you this.
"What if there's something
in the middle?"
And he said, "Don't look at it.
"What do you
want me to tell you?"
He said, "Nine, ten,
eleven inches.
"That's going to be a dead zone.
I'll tell you right now."
"I can help you
up to eight or after 12.
"In the middle,
you're on your own.
"Nothing I can do.
"If anybody approaches
in that area, tell them,
"move up or move back.
But don't hover."
So I got reading glasses.
I have computer glasses.
I have driving glasses.
I have driving at night glasses.
If I'm in my house,
and I wanna look out the window,
separate for glasses for that.
I got like 14 pairs
of glasses now. I'm solid.
I got all the glasses I need.
Problem is, my brain is fading.
I don't know
where the glasses are. So...
So they're not helping.
They're not helping.
And I had heard about that...
short-term memory.
They always tell you,
as you get older,
your short-term memory
will diminish.
So, I was anticipating
a little hit
to the short-term memory.
What I didn't understand
was just how short...
...the term is.
It's a short term.
I was talking to my friend.
I said, "Hey, this trip
you're going on?
"Is that for business?
Are you going just for fun?"
He said, "Oh, the latter."
And I went...
"I don't remember what order
I just said it."
I just said it!
That's not a memory. That's now.
That's short-term now.
I'm losing my now.
I don't remember
anything anymore.
But I'm honest about it.
I tell people right up front,
as they're talking to me,
I will tell them,
"Hey, just so you understand,
"this is the same as if
you weren't talking to me,
"okay? Just..."
"No, I can hear you,
and it's nice to see you,
"but it's not going in.
That's what I'm saying.
"If it's important,
write it down.
"Wait, you know what?
Tell my wife.
"But I'm telling you,
I can't hold it.
"I have maxed out.
My cloud is totally filled.
"I cannot...
"It cannot go in there."
Sometimes I do remember
what people tell me, but...
then I don't know
who told it to me.
That's the thing.
I spend a lot of my life going,
"Who was I talking to?
"Who was I talking to?
"I was just talking about that.
"Yes, the zebra
that exploded in the zoo.
"We were talking...
Who was I talking to?
"I heard...
who was I talking to?"
That's why it's great.
If you're married, if you have a...
If you're in a couple,
if you're married,
you're in a couple,
you have a built-in
backup system, 24-7.
You just go, "Honey, who were we
talking to about the zebra?
"Huh? Who were...
You weren't there?"
"Who was I talking to?
Do you have any idea?"
"Where have I been
the last four or five days?
"Any recollection?"
"Who could I
have been talking to? That's what I'm trying to get...
"Throw some names at me,
I'll see if anything rings a bell."
"Are you not keeping track?
"Remember, I asked you
to keep a list of where I go,
"and who I talked to?
Yes, I did.
"I asked... I didn't ask you?
I asked somebody.
"Who was I talking to?
"I could have sworn
that was you."
And again, see, we know
these things are gonna happen.
We've seen it happen
with other people.
So we know it's coming,
but we don't know when.
We don't even know
in what sequence
these things will happen.
So, right now, at this point,
I'm just on constant lookout,
waiting to see
which bodily function
goes south next.
And I had a frightening moment.
I was driving,
and I accidentally,
with my elbow,
I hit the... little dial for the seat heater.
So, the pinholes
are shooting up heat.
But I didn't know
that I did anything.
Do you understand?
So, I'm driving,
I'm minding my own business,
and just all of a sudden...
Hmmm...
This is new.
This is new.
I just noticed,
from the waist down,
everything was hot.
It was like a general hotness
in the bottom half of me.
And my first thought...
I'm not proud of this...
but my first thought was...
I think I just shit myself.
Yep.
Make a note, sweetie.
Today's the day it started. I...
Hmm? No, I don't
feel sick at all.
That's what's surprising.
No, I...
No, I didn't eat
anything out of the ordinary!
You were with me
the whole... you saw,
I was just sitting here,
driving, and...
dropped a load. I don't know
how to put it to you, but...
We're going to pull over,
change my pants,
and get a new car,
because we can't live like this.
We cannot live like this.
These are just some of
the wonderful highlights
we can look forward to
on our journey.
But I'll tell you, you know,
if you're lucky enough,
and you have the right partner
on your journey,
it makes the whole trip
a lot more manageable,
and a lot more entertaining.
If you're lucky enough to have
the right partner, and...
Right?
It helps. It helps.
And I have to say,
I am very, very lucky.
I married a wonderful woman...
initially, but you know what?
No, let me finish. Let me...
Here's how hard marriage is.
I absolutely married
the perfect woman.
She's beautiful,
she's intelligent,
she's independent,
she's successful,
she's kind-hearted,
she's a great mother,
and we're perfectly matched!
We had the same values,
the same taste,
same sense of humor,
same everything.
Couldn't be more perfectly
matched for each other.
And still...
With all that,
three out of five days,
I'm slamming my head
against a wall.
So that's how hard it is.
I have a friend
who's not married.
He's like in his 50s.
Not married,
never been married,
and he's never
going to be married.
And the reason I know that,
is he tells me
all the time, defiantly,
"I'll never get married."
He says, "I don't care
what you say, Paul.
"I will never get married."
And I tell him,
"I don't care."
I said I don't get
a commission.
You understand that? I...
I don't work
for the organization.
Just had the little TV show.
That was the whole extent of it.
I'm not involved.
He said, but...
He's mystified by my...
...marriage.
He said, "How do you do it?
"How do you stay with one woman
your whole life?
"What's the secret?"
I said what do I know?
I said, I don't know a secret.
I said, I've only been married
one time to one woman.
I said, and by the way,
in all that time,
I've only learned one thing,
if I'm being honest,
I said, and I'll give it to you.
If it helps,
I'll share it with you.
This is what I told him.
This is the only thing
I know to be true.
I said to him, I said,
...when you're with a woman,
sometimes,
you're going to
want to say something.
But...
...if a little voice
in your head
says, "I wouldn't say it now..."
...you want to
listen to the voice.
That's all I can tell you.
It's there to help you.
You may have a question,
and it can be a perfectly
reasonable question.
But if you hear a voice say,
"All right, but I wouldn't
ask it right now,"
trust the voice.
That's why it's there.
You'll never regret it.
Nobody gets to the end
of their life and goes,
"Oh, if only I could ask
more irritating shit,
"I could have, I could have...
"I had the opportunity,
and then I didn't do it." No.
Because by the way,
even if what you want to say
is sweet, and loving,
and wonderful,
it can come out wrong...
...as I have learnt.
So, okay, this happened.
The other day,
I had a really, a lovely moment.
I was watching my wife
in the house,
and I just... was watching her,
and I was overcome
with a really wonderful feeling
of appreciation
and affection and gratitude.
I was just watching her,
"I'm going, God, am I lucky!"
I said, "What a wonderful...
I'm so lucky.
"I married
such a wonderful woman."
And I said, "Boy, she does
a thousand things a day
"that we don't even know about
"that just keep
the trains running,
"and make our lives great.
"And she does...
She does everything for us.
"And boy, God forbid,
something ever happened to her,
"I'd be lost.
I wouldn't know how to go on.
"My life would be empty
and hollow without her."
This is what I'm thinking.
My wife sees me
staring at her oddly.
She said, 'What?"
Here's what
came out of my mouth.
"Nothing. I was just picturing
if you were dead..."
You see what I'm saying?
That's not reflective at all!
Um, what I... You see that!
It's very hard
to clean that one up,
I'll be honest.
But you learn,
you learn over time.
There are certain things
you can only learn
in a long-term relationship.
I have learned...
Okay, here's an example.
So when we're sleeping,
my wife, who I adore,
just so we're clear,
when we're sleeping,
she doesn't snore,
because women don't snore.
I understand.
I understand.
Having said that,
there is a noise, uh...
...coming out of
this area of her.
There is a noise that, if you
didn't know better, you'd go,
"That sounds like snoring."
And I actually kind of,
I don't mind it.
I find it endearing.
For the first few minutes,
anyway, I just marvel.
I go, "Really?"
"Really, a face that beautiful
"could make a sound
that atrocious.
"That doesn't seem possible."
But after a few minutes,
you want to go to sleep.
So here's what I've learned.
Again, only over time.
If you put your hand
on her shoulder,
and gently shove... Gently...
You know what?
Practice on the dog.
Listen to me.
The dog is sleeping on the bed,
and starts snoring.
Just go..."Ay!" If you hear,
That's too hard.
So, that's how you know.
Just... You want to
dial that down.
But not too soft because then
you've accomplished nothing.
So you want...
what you're aiming for...
You want to break
their breathing cycle.
That's what you're going for.
And you'll know you do it right
when you hear this sound.
That's it.
It's not pretty.
- It's not a pretty sound.
But that's what's...
It's like throwing
a wrench under a tractor.
It's not nice, but...
That's your cue to turn over
and go the hell to sleep.
Because if you linger,
her eyes will open,
and she'll just go,
"Did you just shove me?"
And you have to go,
"I don't think so."
"In fact, I'm sleeping.
"So I don't even know
why you're talking to me."
See, I...
I try to live
by the golden rule.
And we all know the golden rule.
Do unto others
as you would have done unto you.
It's a great idea in life.
It's great in life.
In marriage,
not so much.
Uh...
It doesn't always work
in marriage,
because I'll be honest,
there are many things I would
happily have done unto me,
that she don't like
done unto her.
And, and...
She's very vocal about it.
She goes, "I don't like
when you do that."
And it sounds like I'm talking
about something dirty. No.
No, I mean
simple things. Simple...
If she's driving,
and I'm in the passenger seat,
and I politely point out
that our exit is coming up,
oh, she gets so insulted.
"You don't have to
tell me. I know."
I said, "Well, all right. I...
"You know, hey, sometimes,
you point it out to me.
"And I don't get offended."
She goes, "Right,
because you don't mind."
I said, "Right! What?"
No, I'm saying I don't mind.
She goes, "Right. But I do,
"because I'm not you."
And that's when I go,
"Well, then,
"the golden rule is not
fucking working here, is it?"
Because I only know me.
I don't know
who else to draw from.
If the golden rule
is not working,
let's try the silver
or the bronze, because...
...the silver rule, I think,
"Do unto others' best guesses
of what you think they might like done unto them."
And the bronze rule is,
"You know what?
"Don't do unto anybody,
anything.
"Just sit there,
eat your chicken,
"wait till the show's over.
Just don't get involved."
And I don't wanna give you
the impression...
You know, I'm talking
a lot about my marriage and...
It's all good. You know,
I don't want to...
It's all good.
Know what I'm saying,
it's not all good.
But you know what I'm saying,
it's all good.
In general, it's all good.
It's like the world.
From space, looking down,
it's all good.
You zoom in close,
it's not all good.
You know what I'm saying?
But you have to scale back,
and it's all good.
When my friend asked me,
you know, what's the secret?
I said, I must have
learned something.
And I said "Actually,
I do have something.
"I have something for you."
And this,
I do believe to be true.
For any long-term relationship,
to keep it growing
and keep it moving,
you have to constantly find
something new
to fight about.
That is so important.
I cannot stress that enough.
So like in my house,
the current friction du jour
that I'm enjoying immensely,
uh, my wife who I adore,
we understand...
...she has come to view
with displeasure,
my response time.
Do you know what I mean
by response time?
The gap in the time continuum
from when she asks me something
to the microsecond
that I answer,
that gap is not
to her liking. She... -
She would prefer a snappy
or brisker retort
than the one I am affording.
And in fairness to her,
I got to be honest.
A lot of times I do respond,
but in my head.
I just forget to talk. I...
That's not her fault.
That's on me.
I... "Did I not speak?
I thought I spoke. I..."
"You know,
I just ran out of steam.
"At 4:30,
I just ran..."
So, sometimes I don't answer
because of whatever
that phenomenon is.
Sometimes, though,
I don't answer
because, to be honest,
I didn't hear the question.
I didn't hear it.
The hearing is not as crisp
as it used to be.
But that's not all the time.
Sometimes I don't answer
right away because I'm thinking.
She asked me a question,
I'd like to give an intelligent,
thoughtful response.
She doesn't buy it. She...
If I don't answer it right away,
she presumes it's just because
I'm old and deaf.
So what she'll do,
is she'll repeat
what she just said,
louder,
and with ten times
the hostility.
It jumps. It goes from,
"What do you want for supper,"
Straight to,
"what do you want for..."
"I know, I heard you,
sweetheart. I heard it.
"I was thinking. Maybe
I should've have gone, ah, do do do do do...
"Would that help you?
"Do-do-do-do... chicken."
And by the way,
her hearing is going too.
However, it's not her fault.
It's not her fault.
The way I understand it...
If I don't hear her,
that's because
my ears are going bad.
If she doesn't hear me,
that's because
I don't speak clearly.
So...
You see the problem.
Yes.
This is the problem area.
Either way you come at it,
here seems to be the problem.
And I called her on it one day.
I said, "Sweetie,
it's always me, really?
"It's always me.
It's never you?"
She said, "Yeah,
Now, get the car. We're late."
I said, "What,
where are we going?"
She said
we're not going anywhere.
I said, "Why did you say
get the car, we're late?"
She said, "I said,
you need to articulate."
I said, "Okay."
It's not how I heard.
I said, "Well, maybe
you need to articulate!"
And then she mumbled something
about going to truck yourself.
We don't have a truck. So...
You know,
it doesn't even make sense.
You see what I'm saying.
Yeah.
She's starting to lose it.
This is my concern. Yeah.
And all married couples
go through it.
My parents went through this.
I remember,
in their golden years,
my mother called me one night.
She said,
"I'm worried about your father.
"It's like he doesn't hear me.
"It's like he doesn't hear me."
So, she got him
to go to an audiologist.
The guy was like
the 12th best in town.
He was fine.
But this guy was smart.
First question
he said to my father,
"Mr. Reiser, let me ask you,
"how long are you married?"
My father said, "46 years. Why?"
The doctor said,
"There's the problem."
No, apparen...
There's a medical thing.
Apparently, if you hear
the same voice
for that duration of time,
it wears down
that particular frequency...
...in the ear canal.
That's what's happening.
That's a scientific thing.
Both ways.
Him to her,
her to him, him to him,
them to them...
Pronouns are not an issue.
Any two people,
over time,
will over-tax that pathway.
You can hear above,
you can hear below.
But that pathway, dead.
My problem
is a little more subtle.
Like I said,
I hear everything my wife says,
but apparently,
I hear it wrong.
I hear, "Well, if she said
what I heard, we're doing fine."
But often,
it's not what she said.
We were in the kitchen
the other day.
She's standing in front
of the cabinet
where we keep the candy,
and she's squinting.
She's looking
into the candy cabinet,
And she asked me...
I thought...
...for the name
of our ophthalmologist.
Well, I saw her squinting.
It didn't seem unreasonable.
So I said...
"Schneiderman."
"What?"
Our ophthalmologist
is Dr. Schneiderman.
"Okay."
"Why are you telling me that?"
I said, "Did you not just ask me
the name of our
ophthalmologist?"
She said, "No, I said
what happened to all the HOT TAMALES?"
I said, "All right, well...
"that's not how I heard it."
But I can see why
saying "Schneiderman" wasn't helpful there.
Unless Schneiderman
ate the HOT TAMALES.
but how could that...
No, it couldn't be. It's...
And what makes it extra tricky?
Sometimes, you're not
supposed to respond.
Sometimes you're not even
supposed to be listening.
Sometimes yes, sometimes no,
but it's not always clear
what rules are in effect
at any given moment.
So my lovely wife, who...
I adore...
We've established, right?
She will walk into the room,
and she'll very quietly go,
"Meh, I can't believe it."
I go, "What's the matter?"
She'll go,
"I was talking to myself."
I said, "Okay, sorry."
And then, at the exact
same volume, she'll go,
"Where did I put my phone?"
"Hello?"
That was to me then?
The second part?
So the second part was to me.
Okay, so the first one, no,
but the second one was to me.
You were talking to me?
She said, "Do you see
anybody else here?"
I'm like... "Mmm, mmm."
I thought you were
talking to yourself.
She said, well, evidently I was.
Okay.
I said, "My beloved...
"We need a system.
We need a system.
"Help me help you.
"How do I know
when you're talking to me,
"and when
you're talking to you?"
She said,
"It should be obvious."
I said...
"It's not. It's not.
"If it were obvious, we wouldn't
be having this conversation."
But it's always...
it's only the little things.
Like I said,
all the big things...
We get along
on all the big things, we agree.
It's only the little things
that will come up
and sort of jeopardize
a perfectly good union.
And I was... This was...
Again, I don't know
what things...
We're sitting around,
I had my phone out,
and I was trying to
plan my week, yeah?
And I said to my wife,
casually, very casually, I said,
"Sweetie, are we doing anything
Saturday night?"
She said...
"Are you kidding me?"
I'm like... Whoa!
And my knees buckle
a little bit. I said, whoa!
"Whoa!"
I think I'm forgetting
something quite significant.
Saturday... are we
getting divorced Saturday?
Is that...
I thought that was
just an idle threat.
But is that happening?
I'm sorry, what is Saturday?
She goes, we're having dinner
with Rob and Beth.
I said, oh, so that's on.
We're doing that?
She said, "Are you kidding me?"
She said, "You're the one
who asked us
"to make it Saturday.
"Remember we had
a whole conversation?"
She said, "We were going to
do it two weeks ago,
"but you couldn't do it,
and you asked me to see
"if they could move it
to this Sat...
"Do you really not recall
this whole conversation?"
And I said, "Well,
the first half, yes,
"I remember asking you
to see if they could move it,
"but they never got back.
I never heard back
"that yes, they can do it.
And yes, we're on.
She said, "Okay, well,
but... I told you."
I said, how do we know that?
Do you have film
of you telling me?
I said, "Why do you assume
I forgot that you told me?
"Maybe you forgot
that you didn't tell me?
"That could happen."
And it wouldn't
have been a big deal,
but it happened to be
the third day in a row.
I forgot something stupid.
And that's the one
that broke her. It broke her.
It was one, too many...
She wasn't angry.
She went beyond anger,
to a state I had never seen.
Uh...
She just looked
at me differently.
She looked at me
with such a look of compassion
and affection and just...
genuine... just...
it was just so angelic.
She looked at me, and she said,
I'm worried about you.
"I'm... I think we have to
have you checked."
I said, checked?
For what?
She said, "I don't know,
"dementia,
or early onset, something.
"Something is happening."
I said, "Sweetie,
"20 years ago,
it would have been early.
"This is on time. This..."
"This is..."
Yeah.
"This is on time onset.
That's what this is.
"This is precisely when
onset would set on."
I said, "But play it out.
"How would that even help you?"
Let's say I go to a doctor.
He looks in my head and goes,
"Yeah, we see
that he's got a thing.
"There's something
sitting on his memory.
"And that's why his memory...
he is forgetting things,
because there's a thing
on his memory.
How would that help you?
She said, "'Cause at least then,
I would know I could adapt.
"I would adjust, I would
write things down for you.
"I'd repeat things. I'd be
more patient. I'd be nicer.
I said, "Why don't we go
straight to that?"
If you got
a perfectly good solution,
why would you
hold it back like that?
She said, "No, I'm not gonna...
"Unless you have a note
from your doctor,
"I'm not going to be nicer. No.
"No, unless you have
an actual medical condition,
"I'm not going to assist you.
Step up your game,
"and you start
remembering these things
"because this is not okay!"
I said, "Why don't I
split the difference?
"Say I got a little bit
of something, and you just be a little bit nicer?
"And then we'll bump it up
every year."
A little bit,
little bit, little bit,
till we get to
the end of our lives.
I said, "You'll be
the nicest person in the world,
"and I won't remember
any of this."
Thank you so much, folks!
Thank you, Denver.
I'm going to say one thing,
and then I'll let you go.
That's how I get off the phone
with my family and friends, by the way. I go,
"You know, let me let you go."
Sometimes they trip you up.
"We don't have to go."
"All right, well,
let me let you let me go."
"I don't know how..."
"I'm pulling the plug
one way or the other."
Now, I just wanna say one thing.
You know,
at the top of the show,
I said I wasn't going to say
anything important.
I changed my mind.
I'm gonna say
something very important,
and I'm gonna... Hear this...
I'm gonna share with you
the secret of life.
I'm going to tell you
the secret of life.
But it came to me
in a very odd way.
Years ago,
I got to make a movie,
and I worked with...
my idol, Peter Falk.
Do you remember
Peter Falk, Colombo?
When I was a kid,
I didn't care about acting.
Comedians... my idols
were all comedians.
I never cared about acting.
But when I was
like eight years old,
I saw Peter Falk in a movie.
I said, "What's this guy doing?
I love this guy!"
So, years went by
and I said, I want to... work with him.
I wrote a movie
where he played my father,
and we got to be friends.
And so one day,
we're talking about comedy.
And I said, "Well,
so what do you like?
"What kind of comedies
do you like?"
So Peter Falk says,
"Well, you know, uh..."
"...to be honest,
"a lot of the things
that make me laugh.
"They don't make
other people laugh."
I said, "Well, try me.
I'd be curious."
So he tells me this story
which I'm gonna share with you.
And I thought it was funny.
I thought it was
a very funny story.
But over the years,
I thought about it.
I said, it's more than funny.
This story has hidden inside it,
the secret of life.
Here's the story.
So, Peter goes
to lunch at a deli,
a New York-style deli,
all right?
Waiter, old school waiter,
but waiting tables 100 years,
seen it all, nothing fazes him.
He comes to the table,
and he says,
"Would anybody like dessert?"
Peter Falk says,
"Do you have rice pudding?"
The guy says yes.
Peter goes, "Hang on.
"Before you bring it,
"Does it have raisins?"
The guy says no.
He says, "Are you sure?"
He says yeah.
He says, "You're positive?
Because, a lot of places,
"they put raisins
in their rice puddings.
"And I can't eat raisins.
"If it has a raisin,
I don't want it.
I'll tell you right now,
"if it has raisins, I don't want it."
The waiter says, "Mr. Falk,
"I don't know how else
to tell you no.
"There's no raisins
in the rice pudding.
Peter Falk says,
"All right, I'll have it."
Waiter goes to the kitchen,
brings out the rice pudding.
It's a chockful
of raisins. Just...
Just covered. Top to bottom.
Through the glass,
dark with raisins.
Peter Falk says,
"Hey, I thought you said there's no raisins!"
The waiter
just shrugged and said,
"Here and there
you'll find a raisin."
And I said, well,
that's what life is, isn't it?
Nothing is all good.
Even the things you love
have things in it
you don't love!
But that's just the cost
of doing business.
So that's what I wish
for you nice people.
In the rice pudding of life,
deal with the raisins,
but don't forget
to enjoy the pudding.
Thank you so much.
Good night.