Pay to Die (2026) Movie Script

[gentle music]
[upbeat music]
- And action.
- Ooh, I'm ready to see your hot body.
Ooh, I'm ready.
[fabric rustling]
- Oh yeah, see that, all for you, baby?
You ready to get down and dirty?
- I'm just feeling a little dry.
- Oh, you mean, down there?
- Down there.
- Oh, wow. Don't worry, baby.
Look, we got Dr. Herbert's
Love Goo, the solution.
This will save your Norwegian zones.
It'll get you wet as the Nile River.
- Cut.
- Okay.
- Was it all right? Any notes?
- Don't be so insecure.
Alright, let's not forget the
most important thing is this.
The lube, the star of the show.
Now, when you squirt this,
you are gonna put both thumbs at the top.
- Okay. Here.
- And you basically just squeak.
[bottle popping]
[lubricant sloshing]
[model screaming]
- What're you doing? My hair?
- Fuck!
- Makeup!
- Jesus, Charles,
do you get anything
right? You fucking idiot.
- There's lube all over
my face. It's sticky.
I'm gonna throw up. I'm gonna throw up.
- Ugh.
- That's a wrap everybody.
- Charles, really messed up today.
You can still work for me,
but you need to sign those divorce papers.
- Then why don't you cut off
my hand and sign it yourself?
What a fucked up world.
[lights booming]
No matter how hard I try, I
just keep getting kicked back.
I'm in the desert with no water.
Somehow I have even less.
[lively music]
I just can't do this anymore.
It's time for a change.
[lights booming]
- There's my big time Hollywood director.
- Hi, mom. I'm alright.
- When am I gonna see some
of these masterpieces, huh?
Who did you work with today?
Telling Jacobs, you're such a
dreamy, I so wanna meet him.
- Mom, I make commercials,
not feature films.
- I know. That's what I
want to talk you about.
You know, features are where
it's at. Commercials are passe.
People like, they just, you
know, zip through them now.
Features, I think you should
just jump head on into it.
- Yeah, but I don't have any
ideas for any feature films.
- Just...
- I don't have any money, Mom.
- Don't... Stop. Stop.
Honey, You come up with one good idea,
the money will flow in. I know it.
You just have to believe,
baby. You just have to believe.
- I love you, mom.
[dog barking]
- I love you.
[ominous music]
[breathing deeply]
[Charles grunting]
- Thanks so much, John,
for helping with all
of my stretches today.
- How about I take you out
to dinner tonight, on me?
- No. Can do. I don't date
people who identify as male.
[graphics whooshing]
- Come on, Luna.
I could tuck.
- No. Stop.
[upbeat music]
- Yeah, whatever.
- Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom, mom.
[ominous music]
[graphics whooshing]
- I told you,
I'm not interested, you prick.
[flesh squelching]
[Luna screaming]
[laughs]
- You ever wanna pay to die?
[ominous music continues]
Dance for mommy
[Charles screaming]
That's your tummy
Mommy loves you
- That's it. I'm gonna make slasher.
- You cannot tell Charles
about this, please.
- Trust me. I would never
ruin a perfect thing. [laughs]
- [laughs] Oh shit. Do I? Wait,
think he's coming. Get up.
- Mom. Mom.
- Yes.
- I had a tremendous idea.
Came to me in a dream.
I'm gonna make a slasher film. Yeah. Yeah.
I'm gonna go see Tony
tomorrow at the shop,
and I know he'll know
how to do the funding.
'Cause in fifth grade in Boys Club,
he made $1,500 in chocolate bars.
- Oh, oh, that's wonderful, dear.
[Tony grunting]
- What was that?
- Oh, the nothing. You're hearing things.
- I'm making a movie.
It's a slasher film, and I need your help.
- So you're finally done
with those butt plug commercials, huh?
- I hope so.
- Wow Charles,
after so many years talking about it,
you're finally gonna become a filmmaker.
- I just wanna show people
that I'm capable of making art,
you know, not just making
infomercials for sex toys
that break off into people's holes.
You know, the surgical removal paperwork
is bankrupting the company.
- Well, if you're gonna
make a slasher film,
you should really think about
hiring that stacked girl,
Jess, from all your ads.
I mean, she was a scream queen after all.
[exhales sharply]
[hands thudding]
- What do you mean by that?
- Haven't you seen any
of those Camp Gore films?
Dude, she's in like six of them.
Hell, you could crowdfund this movie.
- First of all, I don't watch
stupid movies like that.
Number two, what is crowdfunding?
- Well, Charles, my friend,
crowdfunding is how you're gonna
get your little movie made.
You see, people like to pay good money
just to watch movies being made.
And if you get Jess involved,
it's not a question of
if you'll make the money,
but how much money?
[bell ringing]
- Yeah.
I guess I could give her a call.
Seems to be a bit of a flake though.
- While you are at it.
See if you can get that cue
ball, Teddy involved too.
He loves to throw his money around.
Bet that bald bastard
would throw in a boat load
just a star in this movie
and make a little splash on
your campaign to start from.
- This movie's gonna be killer.
- Killer.
[hands thudding]
[doorbell ringing]
[footsteps plodding]
- Jess, did Charles say anything to you
about why we're here
today? What's going on?
- I don't know.
He just said he had like
some super secret projects.
- Oh Charles.
- Yeah. Yeah.
I bet you didn't know
that was my daughter.
[footsteps plodding]
[men grunting]
[body thudding]
[Charles blowing raspberry]
- All right. All right guys.
Quit. Quit horsing around.
What's going on?
- I'm making a feature movie
and it's a slasher.
- And we're crowdfunding it.
- Wow.
- So Jess.
- Yeah.
- I know you have a history
in the horror genre and
you have a large following.
If you could just promote
the crowdfunding page
to your fans, I would
make you the female lead.
And Teddy.
- Yeah. Yeah. What about me?
- You're the key to the first
day success of this campaign.
- I am?
- [Charles] Yeah.
I need eyeballs on this.
- Okay.
- Okay. I need a splash.
- Alright.
- How much money are you willing
to cough up to be our male lead?
- Well, Charles, I think I'd put in 1,500,
but I'm telling you, I need a sex scene
and it needs to be two chickitas.
- Hi everyone.
Have you ever wanted to
star in a low budget,
independent horror slasher
film? Well, now's your chance.
- Cut, cut, cut.
[graphics blipping]
We can't say horror
independent slasher film
because everyone wants to be in like
a big Hollywood budget kind of movie.
You know, with like celebrities
and stuff like that.
- It sounds cheap,
otherwise, yeah, I wouldn't,
talk it up.
- Okay.
[graphics blipping]
Hey everyone, have you ever wanted to star
in an independent horror
film? Well, now's your chance.
[graphics blipping]
- We gotta make them think
we're making a big budget
Hollywood slasher film.
Do you get it, Charles?
- Yeah, I get it.
I just don't wanna get stuck making these
horrible fucking commercials.
So whatever you say, I'll go with.
- Let's go. Okay, let's do it again.
- Yeah.
- This time, I think, Jess,
you're gonna have to lead a little,
do a more leading in this.
[graphics blipping]
- You wanna be in my next movie
directed by the amazing
and handsome Charles.
- And starring Teddy as well.
- Yeah.
- Hi, hi.
- Tony, why don't you
tell us about our cast?
- Why don't we just try to give
as many a-list actors as possible?
Can't go wrong with celebs.
- We don't wanna say try.
[graphics blipping]
If you say you already have celebrities,
then it's like more people are gonna join.
Now there's a siren and we're not gonna
be able to finish doing this.
This is ridiculous. Come on.
Why don't bring why don't
I bring Tina on board?
- You know, I separated
from her for a reason.
Those fucking chattering
teeth in that big mouth.
- Let me look at what we have here.
- Okay.
- Let's just cut for a second.
[graphics blipping]
- All right, guys. Moment of truth.
[exhales sharply]
With the click of a button,
our lives could change in an instant.
- I really hope we could make
good on all those promises
that we made in the pitch.
- And don't worry, Charles,
if people, you know, don't
donate or we have any problems,
we can always do that perk I told you,
if someone could play my
girlfriend or boyfriend
in the movie, I know someone will do it.
- Don't worry, we got this.
We're already making it already.
- I know.
- Yeah. Yeah.
And Teddy look, I said
we would hold onto that
and you know, we'll talk
about it later. All right.
- Don't let it slip
away. It's a good perk.
- I'm not. I'm not, I'm not. Okay guys.
Alright, we're gonna do this.
- Alright.
- All right, here we go. I'm
gonna gonna press the button.
Okay, drum roll please.
- All right.
[hands thudding]
Let's do it together
'cause I feel like that's better luck.
- Alright.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay. 3, 2, 1.
- "Pay to Die".
- "Pay to Die".
- Boom shaka laka, laka, bing bong.
- Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
- Hey guys, Jess here,
with all of my friends.
We got Teddy, Tony, and Charles.
- And we're letting you guys know
about our brand new project "Pay To Die",
which you guys can star in.
There's even a perk to
act with you, Jess, right?
- That's right. For $1,000,
you could be in a scene with me
and for $5,000, I'll
even make out with you.
- But the coolest perk we have though
is the "Die in the film perk".
For only $5,000,
you guys can have a gory,
gross out death scene
in the movie, but also tell
'em about the other things.
Tell 'em Jess.
- You get underpants and they're mine.
And they're not that
expensive. It's quite a deal.
They range from different colors
and different conditions
all the way through and-
- To mid condition.
- You can also purchase
Dr. Herbert's Love Goo.
That's right.
Please do me a favor, help
us make our dream come true.
- Make your pledge because
we've got the all new pink one.
The very best camera on the line.
- It's unique opportunity that
you should take advantage of.
Change your life today with "Pay To Die".
[lively music]
[woman moaning]
- Boss.
- What?
- Do you know what this is?
Something that even you
hasn't seen in a long time,
that Burbank reported
they talking about you,
which is why you have to eat.
You have to eat because
you're skinny, boss.
You are way too skinny.
There's a hurricane
coming. You might fly away.
- I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry.
- Open up the choo train. Come on boss.
- No, I'm not hungry.
[cutlery jangling]
- Open up. Open up.
- Please, I'm not hungry.
I'm not hungry. I have such regrets.
[cutlery jangling]
Why did my last film
have to be a fucking golf movie
with that deep voiced Romano guy?
Why couldn't we get that fat
little guy from the twins?
- It's not too late for a comeback.
You can be the comeback
king. That's who you are.
The comeback king.
And I'm sure your lovely
wife will be more than happy
to see you get out of the house.
- Ooh, that sounds like a splendid idea.
The last few years, all you've
been doing is moping around
like an old dog.
[lively music continues]
- You sure you won't miss me too much?
[laughs]
What about our board
games and sexy sleepovers?
- Ugh, God. Another night of
you trying all my lingerie.
I'm gonna kill myself.
- We need it boss.
Go, make the call.
- Alright.
[phone beeping]
[phone ringing]
- Harrison Bronco and his butler
are going to stab the agent
if he don't give us a job.
- [Harrison] Adam.
- Hello. Who's this?
- It's Harrison Bronco.
What the hell is going on up
there, your little weasel?
I haven't received a script from you.
No new offer in over two years.
Did my wife tell you
I'm making a comeback?
- I'm sorry. I didn't even
know you were serious. Okay.
I thought maybe you were drunk
or abusing your meds or something.
- I made a lot of money for you.
I paid for your kids' college tuition.
And what are you doing
for me. Bullshit. Nothing.
Now you gotta get me a job. Understand.
Otherwise, I'm gonna come up
there, you a little weasel.
And I'm gonna stab you
in your fucking heart.
- Okay, Harrison, we'll try to find
a nice rosy part for you, okay?
Really, really bring your
everything out. [laughs]
- Listen, I want you to find
me an action thriller, okay?
Where I can play my own stunts
with an A-list director.
- I will look, I will
look and look and look.
And I'll find something sooner or later
that'll be really rosy for you, okay?
- Yeah. You're better.
- Alright. Goodbye. Goodbye.
Pain in the ass if I ever had one.
[phone ringing]
[lively music]
- Hello? Who is this?
- Well, hello there Charles.
A little bird told me you
are doing a film without me,
your producer.
- I didn't think
you'd be even interested
in a movie like this.
It's a horror film.
And I just, I would've
told you right away.
Of course, I want you
to be involved in this.
- Save it. I already spoke
to Jess and she said,
"You want nothing to do with me?"
- No, no, no, no, no. Please,
Tina. I love working with you.
- I'll give you a second chance.
- Okay? Sounds good. Okay.
I'll text you the address
of what we're doing it
when I figure it out, okay.
[phone thudding]
[alcohol sloshing]
Tina. Tina, are you there? Hello? Tina.
[lively music]
Guys, I'm really worried.
We've raised like $30,000
in less than 24 hours
and there are all these false promises.
People are paying for perks
to be acting with celebrities.
And we don't have any celebrities.
- I actually think it's pretty cool.
People are flying in
from all over the world.
Some guy even paid five
grand to produce a movie.
- And has there been any
interest in the perk for me,
you know, to act in a scene with me
as my girlfriend or boyfriend.
- We have bigger fish to fry.
- That's an important perk to me.
- The money keeps going up
and the cast is looking rather tragic.
- Yeah, and if we make a
movie with only perk actors
and no celebs, the people are
gonna riot and probably sue.
- That's why we need some celebs.
Jess, I'm counting on you.
- Okay, I'm on it.
- What you gonna put on there, Jess?
- I, you know, a couple
of lies. A couple of fibs.
No harm, no foul.
- Don't worry, Charles.
All we really need is one A-list celebrity
and the rest will fall into place
with B movie actors who work for like
1,000 bucks a day.
- Yeah. Like what about Dylan Jacobs,
I mean, that guy does
like 300 movies a year.
I mean, he'll do anything.
We can definitely get him.
- That sounds great. I'm gonna
type up a casting right now.
- Work your magic.
- My mom would love this.
[horse neighing]
[hooves clopping]
[chickens clucking]
- Ooh, hot.
I got a job for Harrison,
I got submit for Harrison.
I have to. Why? What?
So don't get, don't get
them close to my eyebrows.
They...
[imitating fire crackling]
You know, I don't want that.
[lively music]
[footsteps plodding]
[latch rattling]
- Mrs. Stevenson.
[door thudding]
Mr. Stevenson.
[lively music]
- Hi.
- Hi, I'm sorry to bother you so late,
but we have amazing news about the movie.
- Oh, that's splendid.
I'll go fetch the boy.
Make yourself at home. Come in.
- Thank you. Thanks.
[door thudding]
- Charles, your friend's here.
- It's me.
- Hi.
- Here to save the day.
- What's up?
- Nothing.
Just meeting your mom. She's cute.
- Thanks.
- She looks super young.
- Yeah, I made her that way.
- She's biologically your mom?
- Pretty much. Yeah.
- [laughs] I have some
amazing news for you.
- What, what's going on?
- You will never guess
who we've cast in our movie.
- Who, who is it?
- Harrison Bronco.
[breathing deeply]
- He's a real dime piece.
- How could we even afford
him? What's he cost?
Like a million bucks or something?
- He hasn't worked in many years.
So his agent was able to give
us a lower rate, 1200 a day.
[breathing deeply]
[hand thudding]
We're gonna be able to sell
this movie to a big studio.
We might actually make money on this.
- Wow. Listen, next time,
just gimme a heads up. Okay?
- I promise.
[lively music]
- After a three year hiatus,
you have to be on the mark.
You have to be perfect. You
know, the suit looks good.
They wanted white. That's great.
I don't like that tie, but-
- I'm wearing the tie.
You don't have to like it.
- Well, if they wanna change
it, let them change it.
- Yeah.
- Don't start no shit with them.
- I'm not gonna start anything.
I'm happy I got the job.
- Good. Finally.
- Finally is right after
all the damn years.
Look how long it's taking
you to get me a fucking job.
- When I wanted to get
you a job three years ago,
you bitched, you screamed, you yelled.
You almost broke my fucking eardrums.
- No, you wanted to gimme
a job on zombie, zombie-
- So what?
- Zombie love story in Pluto,
who does a job like that?
- They did it.
- No. Come on.
- And they made money.
Zombie something. I don't know.
- Zombie love story.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. I know.
- I would've Zombie Love
Story if there's money.
That's all you care about is
money and people seeing you.
What's that called?
What people seeing you?
- Exposure.
- That's what it's called.
- Yeah.
- So that's what you need.
- Right.
- And this movie
is not gonna be a lot of money.
This is gonna be a lot of exposure.
- That's all. That's what
we need. Some exposure.
- Yeah. We need to-
- Get paid little next time.
- Yes. Good. Okay. I hope.
Yeah, that sounds great.
- I'm so excited. This is
my first ever audition.
Was I supposed to read something first?
- You mean you didn't receive
any lines for your character?
- Oh no, I'm not getting them.
Oh, I don't want this done.
I don't wanna do this one. Oh shit.
Don't do that. No, I failed.
- You can read off my page. I
aiming for the romantic lead.
- If any of us don't get the role,
we can always pay to be an
"actor" in this production.
- Like hell it is, do not
trifle with me little person.
I am Dr. Goul.
I have a world renowned
late night horror show
on public access television.
In the Midwest, I am rated number one
right next to the farm report.
My fans will not sit idly by with this.
If you don't put me in,
you will live to regret it.
Now I expect you to give me
the full name and address
of whoever the hell stole my role.
- Yeah. Get him outta here. Come on.
- Get him out!
[lively music]
- Hey, hey, hey. You'll rue
the day. You will not...
This is not the end of me.
My lawyer eats human flesh.
- He's angry.
- Hello, Harry Peters.
Is there a... Oh awesome. All right dude.
Ready for your winky. I
mean, reading. [laughs]
[clipboard thudding]
- Oh darling, you are
the light of my life.
- What is that? That's
not even in the script.
- I yearn to pee with you, my love.
- I think that's actually my stalker.
- Is this not okay? Or is this okay?
Or is it not?
- Little trouser snake.
[laughs]
- No, put...
- I'm so happy. Thanks God.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
- I can't understand what
the fuck she's saying.
[actress screaming]
[lively music continues]
- I come up from behind.
[actor grunting]
- Those are my guts are pouring out.
- [Charles] Yeah, yeah.
[actor grunting]
- My followers really
wanna see me in a movie.
They really like this.
It's gained me almost 5,000 followers.
- Will you work for free.
[lively music continues]
- I think I did really good.
- Really?
- I think so-
- Hey guys, I'm so late.
- Hey.
- You know if it's still going on?
I'm here for the best friend audition.
- Yeah, should be.
- Cool.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Uh-huh.
- Good luck.
[footsteps plodding]
- We now have Marley Federers
reading for the role of Jenna,
the female lead's best friend in the film.
- And if for one moment to bask
in their everlasting light-
- [Jess] She's really good.
- Oh my gosh.
- I would sacrifice my soul.
- Oh my God.
- My mind, my body.
- Okay.
I think we should log this down.
- Yeah. Yeah. Would you
pay to be in the movie?
[uplifting music]
- Joe Estevez auditioning for
the killer of "Pay To Die".
Speak the speech, I pray you
for the action to the word
and the word to the action.
Do not cut the air thusly, but speak...
Well, you listen, when you cast me,
I'll do the rest of the
soliloquy for you, okay?
- 10,000 people applied
to be my best friend.
- Mm-hmm.
- I don't know if you noticed,
but there's somebody
out there killing us all
off one by one.
- Listen, Joey, you're
the love of my life.
I need you. You can't leave me.
- Fuck you. No one disrespects me.
- Oh, fast forward that one.
- I just feel like something's
off about my heartbeat today.
- I cannot be defeated.
No one can stop me.
- You think you can keep me here forever?
You're dead fucking wrong.
- You like something sexy
and I got a lot of money.
[money rustling]
I wanna play. I wanna audition.
You know, the bedroom scene.
- I'll be right back. This is
from a number I don't know.
A blocked collar and
this thing hasn't rung
since I bought it, so I better
take it. I'll be right back.
- [Jess] Okay.
- Dude, I gotta be on that set, man.
This is gonna be, I'm gonna finally...
Finally get my fucking
IMDb credit, bro. Okay?
I need that fucking credit. Okay, man.
- I'm a little hesitant
about the whole thing,
to be honest with you. I mean-
- I'll get all sorts of party tricks,
you know what I'm saying, bro?
We were out there with smashing hoes,
we'll do some shit, okay, bro.
- Let's not go that far, okay?
Let's just, just calm
down. All right, please.
- I will produce that shit
so fucking hard, bro. Okay.
Make it happen.
[phone thudding]
- Okay. Yeah.
[TV clamoring]
- Mom, you got that hemorrhoid thing.
[police siren blaring]
[wind whistling]
- Welcome to the first day
of shooting of "Pay To Die".
Welcome. Yeah, let's clap.
[people applauding]
This started with a one week
gym membership and yeah,
there was a woman there I wanted to kill.
I actually wanted to chop
her head off, [laughs]
but I didn't.
I molded that clay into a
ball that became what this is.
And it is a journey,
you're gonna learn a lot about yourselves.
So let's do that right now.
Let's go around and
introduce ourselves. Jess.
- Hey guys. I am Jess.
I have millions of followers online
and I am the star in all
of Charles's commercials
and the movie.
- I'm a producer
and soon to be Charles' ex-wife,
the one who still lives with his mom.
- What's wrong with that? Yo,
yo, yo, yo, yo, yo yo, yo yo.
My name's Dominic, you can call me Dom
if you wanna be punched
in the dick. All right.
I'm an Uber producer.
That means I'm above the other producers.
And I'm Teddy, I'm actually
one of the producers as well.
I put in a little more money than you did,
and I'm one of the co-stars
as well, the second co-star.
And I appreciate you all
coming out for the project.
- My name is Ryan. I'm playing the killer.
Put like 10,000 bucks into this.
I had high hopes and looking around
I can't wait to kill you guys.
- My name's Tony, Charles
is my best friend.
[imitates explosion booming]
I'm the one who came up with the idea
for the finance campaign.
So you're here partly because of me.
And of course, the stacked
miss beautiful Jess here.
I'm not acting in the
film, but I am single.
[Tony clicking]
- I'm motherfucker Chichi Vega.
I'm the pimp from New York,
from the lower fucking east side.
And I'm fucking pissed at Tina
'cause she fucking took my whore.
As a matter of fact, my whore and a half
'cause she's pregnant. See you later.
- I'm David. I'm the Key PA.
If you have any questions or concerns,
you can take them to Charles. [laughs]
No. You can take them
to me. I'll handle them.
- I'm Jeff, the PA. I like lube.
- Hey, stop.
[hand thudding]
- What?
- Hi. I'm Jill.
I'm gonna be one of your PAs.
Looking forward to
working with everyone so.
- Oh, Niccolo, what the fuck
else am I supposed to say?
Okay, don't move.
- What are you doing?
- I gotta place the tube. Okay.
[teeth gnashing]
- Charles, are you
watching this right now?
- [Charles] Yeah, I'm watching it.
- Just don't move, okay.
- [Charles] Get this guy
out of here. I think this-
- I gotta place the tube.
- [Charles] Yeah, we don't need blood.
- Inappropriate, okay.
- Don't fucking touch me.
Don't fucking.
[David shrieking]
[footsteps plodding]
- Oh my. You sick bitch.
You sick bitch.
[footsteps plodding]
- All right. Are we ready for a take?
Let's do another take.
You guys wanna do a take?
- [Jess] Yeah.
- Alright, let's do a take.
And action.
[Jess screaming]
- Cut, cut, cut. Charles.
Everybody is molesting me on set.
I'm not okay with him brazing
his knife on my boobs.
- Yo. Yo, Charles, man. Yo, yo.
[indistinct] been out of pocket, dawg.
She can't be like demanding shit.
Whatever, dude, she's...
I got so many actresses
on my fucking cell phone.
I got Boost Mobile Unlimited, dude.
I call any of 'em right now. Scar Joe.
Man, my friend fingered
her back in college, bro.
I'll hook it up, man.
What you gonna do? Handle her man.
- Listen up, Dominic. Okay.
I let you and Daniel on my set,
but you have no say in
the progress of my film.
- Oh, oh, yeah. You gonna
play like that though.
All these people here because of me, dawg.
I snap my feeling was like,
Thanos, they're gone, dawg.
They gone because of me.
Everyone's here because of me, son.
One phone call, dawg. One phone call.
- Wow, Teddy, I'm so thrilled
to be behind the scenes
at a real film.
Getting to peek behind the curtain
is such a life changing event
for me, especially with you.
- Well, oh, thanks. I'm
really happy for you.
- I can't wait to do
our new scene together.
- Oh, wait, wait, wait.
You mean they actually did the perk
to act in a scene with me?
You got it. I didn't know if
they were gonna do that or not.
- I especially requested it.
Jess cut me an exclusive deal.
Only 50 bucks.
- Oh, $50.
Oh, that's pretty cool.
I mean, oh, wait, where
do you know me from?
- Those sleazy sex ads, of course.
Now if you'll excuse me
while we were talking,
I was leaking and I think it was wet.
- Go clean yourself up
before our scene. Okay?
And I don't want that. Oof.
- What I'm going for here
is a very '80s horror motif.
Think the early Western
Raven movies. Yeah.
I'm even thinking about
putting in some petroleum jelly
on the lens to give it
that dreamlike vibe.
- Sounds like a great idea, nice work.
- Yeah, it sounds cool.
- Yeah, I like it.
- Hey, let's go. We have 13
more scenes left to do today.
Okay? Who gives a shit
what it looks like now?
Okay, it doesn't matter.
Let's pick up the pace.
- Listen [indistinct].
I put down a lot of
cheddar for this production
to play my role, is there any
way I can get like ventilation
or like a water tube
system cooled down my shit.
Goddamn, it's hot.
- Why you being a diva,
Jennifer Lopez, man.
Just deal with it, dawg.
It's a hot set.
That's what I called a
hot set, not a cold set.
You know what I'm talking about, bro?
Yo, I got a rash on the
side of my tank, dude.
It looks like Steve Band
fucking monkeypox virus, bro.
It's cool, just roll with it, dawg.
- Easy, Marky Mark. You
got a hot jump jump around
in my face, fucking being
real shady right now.
[tuts]
[footsteps plodding]
- I have some news about
one of our big actors.
- [Jess] It's not Harrison, is it?
- No, it's nothing involving him.
He's still on board tomorrow afternoon,
after the married couple scene is done.
It's Dylan Jacobs. I just got
off the phone with his wife.
They're stuck in really bad traffic
and running over an hour late.
I mean, this is why
they normally have a driver
pick him up, are her words.
He's also in a very sour
mood and she warned us
we better have his cue cards ready,
large and easy to read
when he gets on set, okay?
They gotta be perfect.
[dramatic music]
- Don't worry about the cue
cards. All right, I'm on it.
My brother Paul's on it with
me. He's been bus token.
We understand Dylan's
needs about his cue cards.
Nice and big, six point
font. It'll be done.
Okay. All right. So not a worry there.
Charles, is there anything
that you need me to do?
I'm gonna go grab a sandwich,
otherwise I'll do whatever
you need me to do.
- You've already done enough.
[dramatic music continues]
- Oh my gosh, I'm so excited.
This is my first time on a movie set.
- I don't wanna have
a love scene with you.
- What?
- Wait, wait...
- Wait. I'm so sorry.
I'm huge fan of you guys.
Can I get a picture of you guys? Selfie?
- Okay.
- Alright.
[dramatic music continues]
[phone camera clicking]
- But you can't post this on social media-
- Yeah don't share it around.
- Yeah, don't share it, yeah.
- Don't share and post
until the movies out.
- Yeah.
[footsteps plodding]
- Wow. I'm so fucking
unbelievably excited.
I can't believe I'm gonna be in this movie
acting with my hero,
Teddy. I could almost sing.
Oh, I think I will.
[suspenseful music]
Oh, I can't wait to die
[suspenseful music continues]
[flesh squelching]
[actor grunting]
[blood sloshing]
[door thudding]
- Don't panic anyone.
Dylan Jacobs is here
to the rescue as usual.
Bring me my cards.
[footsteps plodding]
[vinyl record scratching]
What? What the fuck?
Did I not specify exactly
the font and width I require
for these letters, this will never do.
They're gonna have to be
redone. What is wrong with you?
- Okie doke. All right.
- Where was that strapping
fellow that greeted me earlier?
- Yes, sir. How may I help you?
- You're gonna go with
me and we're gonna redo
all those cards until they're
in perfect working order.
- Yes, sir. Whatever you need.
- Not a problem. He will help you.
- Thank you. You.
[metal thudding]
With me.
- Okay. Oh, oh.
- Oh, Jess. What a beautiful day it is
to make your acquaintance
be in your presence.
Oh, I've been following you for years.
About as long as I've been
growing this beard, actually.
But when the opportunity
came up to meet you,
I had to jump right on it.
The cavity search in the
airport wasn't very fun
but how was I supposed to
know swords weren't allowed.
I take my katana everywhere I go. [laughs]
- Great. Well, so nice to
meet you, Mr. Dick. Or Rick?
What's your name?
- Rick. Rick, yes.
But you know, it's a good
thing I don't on my katana,
because if I did, I'd have to dual anyone
who challenged you, which reminds me,
if you need any help or any
protection, just let me know.
Okay?
- Okay. Oh, oh, oh.
Social distancing. Right.
- Right, right.
- Okay. I'll see you.
- Thank you. Okay, thanks.
Hey, Charles.
Charles, we need to talk
about that security officer
you promised me.
- No, that's all wrong.
You moron. I need him
over there. Over there.
- Over there?
- Yes. Over there.
What is wrong with you?
[footsteps plodding]
[lively music]
Look, I need those cards on the top right.
Gives me a better eye line.
Okay? And also, here's a tip.
I don't want any reflection in my eyes.
Makes me look like I'm reading, okay?
There's a method to this, capish.
- Sir, I'm very sorry about this,
but I don't know how
we're gonna cover them
in and throughout the scene.
I mean, they're wallpapering
most of the room.
- Don't go blaming the tool, son.
Those cards are my tool as an elite actor,
as a true thespian.
It's how I always give a best
performance humanly possible.
Capish.
- I'm not blaming your tool, sir.
I'm just saying. I don't know
how best to shoot this scene.
- Look, that sounds like a
you problem, not a me problem.
All right, I'm beyond this.
Now, I'm gonna go to my dressing
room and call my shrink.
I need some sanity in my life. All right?
- [David] Don't worry Mr.
Jacobs. We'll fix your tool
and things' gonna be fine.
- You better?
- I don't know how we're gonna fix this.
- [Phone] Please hold for the
next available representative.
- This is utter chaos. They
were prepped about my cards.
They knew the sizes. What
were these imbeciles thinking?
Come on, doc. Pick up. Pick up.
- Why, Hello, Mr. Jacobs.
This is an emergency number.
I hope that's what it is.
- Yeah, but it is doctor. It is.
They're blaming the cards again.
I just wanna give 'em a
deep fucking paper cut
with my cue cards. I'm an
artist and nobody ever listens.
- [Doctor] Remember what we discussed
during our last session about
the breathing exercises?
You can't just get so angry
over trivial problems.
It will lead to an early grave.
[breathing deeply]
[footsteps plodding]
- Do you think I should
go check on Mr. Jacobs?
He has been gone for quite a while now.
Like, like a really long time.
- I can do a welfare check.
- Oh no. That's okay.
- Well, I for one, hope he
makes an appearance soon.
I'm ready to slice and dice him.
I mean, not the film, of course.
- Let's just give him
some breathing room. Okay?
- Okay.
- Let's be ready to shoot once he's back.
- Right.
- Yeah.
We'll do all the closeups of everyone else
and then we'll get his stuff last.
- That sounds like a good
plan. That man is an asshole.
- Things better run smooth
when I get out there.
[suspenseful music]
[footsteps plodding]
Hey, you, quit dicking
around with my cue cards.
[suspenseful music continues]
[Dillon grunting]
[flesh squelching]
[blood sloshing]
[door thudding]
- Mr. Jacobs.
Sir, I'm sorry to barge in like this,
but I haven't heard a response
and I'm getting worried, more than usual.
So I really hope you're decent.
If not, please pull him up.
Okay, Mr. Jacobs.
[dramatic music]
[David shrieking]
[police siren blaring]
[lively music]
[car door thudding]
[radio beeping]
- This is where we last saw him.
- We got a missing person.
We have blood on the set.
This is now an official crime scene
and we're gonna have to
shut your movie down.
- Oh, no.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Please.
- Please. Pretty please.
We have the Harrison
Bronco coming down tomorrow
to shoot with us out of retirement.
- Harrison Bronco. The Bronco.
- [Jess] The Bronco.
- I adore the Bronco.
- You know I love that golf movie he did.
What a way to go out.
- [laughs] Yeah.
- Maybe we could work something out.
Because I have been dreaming
of meeting the Bronco
for like forever, okay.
So maybe you could put me
in a scene with the Bronco
and then my partner and I
[lively music]
could just forget about
filing the paperwork
for a while and I could get
an autograph and some selfies.
You'd even have Officer
Murphy and I on the set
in case there's any shenanigans.
- See, you know, I could bring donuts,
but not Crusty Cream. Hate those.
- Finally, a fucking runner.
I've had to leave the set to go get snacks
for over half this shoot.
[imitating explosion booming]
- Gotcha.
- So Charles,
how was your first day on the set?
- We had a bit of a roadblock.
I mean, I'm just kidding. It went perfect.
- Of course it did, I told you it would.
You know, you're just like your father.
Everything he touched it turned to gold.
Yeah. I'm so happy for you.
- Love you, mom.
[lively music]
- I hope they don't tear my
hind for being one day late.
What can I do?
When will be the next time I get to see
the biggest ball of yarn again?
I did put 20 grand in this production
and I can check it right back.
[fingers snapping]
- How did you sleep last night?
- Tossed and turned
and we didn't get anything shot yesterday.
And well also, one of my
celebrities is a missing person.
- Oh, come on Charles.
He's the furthest thing
from a celebrity there is.
He's not even a Z-lister.
- Do you guys think I should wax down here
for the sex scene?
You know, I don't really
want any hair coming out.
What do you think? Hair?
Or no hair, Charles?
- I say no hair.
- Okay, good.
- Hello, hello.
- Oh, hey Officer.
- We got some donuts for the break room
and I need to get my face
on, so who should I talk to?
- What's up guys? Are you my fans?
- Yeah.
- Awesome.
Let's go to the dressing room then. Okay.
- Excellent.
- Cool.
- Think we should go get some donuts.
- I mean, at least she's
distracting the cops.
- Yeah, I mean, she's
doing something for us.
- Yes.
- Let's go.
- All right.
- So where did you get the ticket?
- I really can't say.
- What was it for?
- Well, you know, it was
like for a few things.
Like mostly speeding, but also-
- You had more than one
thing on the ticket?
- Well, no, I have a few tickets.
- A few. How many you got?
- Six.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- And have you, have you paid any of them?
- Well, no.
- So you've been, she...
You know what, Murph, she's got FTAs, man.
- She does.
- What does that mean?
- Failure to appear.
- FTAs.
- Is that a big deal?
- Absolutely.
You can get arrested.
- You know,
if you give my partner Donnie
your phone number though,
I'm sure he can clear this right up.
- So I don't normally do that.
But what if I follow you back.
[amorous music]
- To his house?
- No, online.
- We don't do that.
- Yeah, we don't give out our...
- I know you follow me-
- Lying.
No. Listen-
- We follow your sister.
Yeah, well she's over 18.
- How did you meet her?
- Online.
- Where'd she contact you?
- You're under 18?
[vinyl scratching]
- Maybe.
- Alright, it's good talking to you.
- I tell you what.
[footsteps plodding]
- So you are gonna call me back though.
[door thudding]
- Hello all, your producer is here.
I drove all the way down
from Texas to get here.
Now where are them celebrities.
And where are those little honeys?
- Rod, why are you so late?
- I'm sorry. Sweet meat.
[lively music]
I didn't mean to rustle your jimmies.
- You come late and
you act like this. Ugh.
- That's right.
- Okay.
I really want you to bring
out my cheekbones. Okay.
Like highlighter or blush or
whatever you call it. Okay.
And also my eyes. I want my eyes to pop.
Okay.
- Okay.
- Pop.
- Yeah.
- You know, like maybe use some smoky eye.
- Yes.
- Do you have smokey eye?
- I do have smokey eye.
- [Don] Oh.
- You have striking eyes.
Let's bring them out.
- Thank you so much.
- Could you make his lips a little pop?
Like a little pop? Like
a little, I don't know.
A little pouty look to it.
- All you gotta do is slut
me, man. I'll come out.
- Is that gonna happen?
[lively music continues]
- Hold on. Not too much.
It's gotta look real.
- Right.
- Oh yeah.
[suspenseful music]
- I can't wait to kill
somebody there, dude.
Like I came to bring the pain.
This movie's been weak as fuck so far.
There's hardly any blood.
- Calm down, pal.
- Harrison at 12 o'clock, everyone.
The man, the myth, the legend.
[lively music]
- Okay, everybody, we gotta be
prepared for greatness here.
- Fingers crossed.
Nothing goes wrong here.
- Hey Charles, I was wondering,
should we use this lands or the wider one?
All in good time, Adam.
[lively music continues]
- Mr. Bronco, I'm so honored to meet you.
I am so grateful that you are trusting us
with your career comeback.
- I'm not Mr. Bronco. He's Mr. Bronco.
My boss is Mr. Bronco. I'm just a butler.
- You might wanna try a
different outfit next time.
- Haven't you seen any of my movies?
I guess not. Alright.
[laughs]
- Hi, I'm Jess, star of the
movie and executive producer.
- Mm-hmm.
- So nice to meet you guys.
I can take you to your dressing room.
We have water and snacks and stuff.
- Hold on lady. Hold on.
My boss has a very strict diet,
so strict that before he eats
his food, I chew it for him.
- I told you not to talk about
that outside of the house.
- Yes, you did, boss. I'm
sorry. You did. Yeah, you did.
- Wait, I need to look, I need to look.
What? You call that smokey eye.
- [Makeup] Yeah.
- They're smaller.
They don't pop it all.
- It looks like you've got
little tiny black marbles
for eyes there, Don.
- Oh man. Can you fix this?
- [Makeup] I can fix it. It's-
- Oh my gosh.
- [Makeup] Super easy fix.
- All right, come on.
Bring in the paint brush.
Let's see what we can do.
- Can do?
- Yeah.
- Alright, sir, makeup
will take care of you.
- Harrison Bronco in the
flesh. Oh my goodness.
You're a living legend.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- Hey, can I take a selfie?
- Yeah. $20.
- $20. Sorry, I didn't get paid yet.
Hey, listen, you should take my chair.
I think you could.
- Where should I take it?
- No, you should use my chair
because I think the year's
been a little rough.
- Yeah, it's been rough. Hey listen.
I'm starting to regret this.
Look. Look at this. Come on.
- Hey, Mr. Bronco, can we shake hands?
- I don't shake hands
on the first meeting.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Really nice to meet you.
- Yeah, it's a pleasure.
- Yeah.
- You too.
- Hey, thank you.
- Yeah.
- You'll remember it for always. I bet.
- Say that again.
- You'll always remember
this moment. I know I will.
- Who's this guy?
- He's my partner.
- Hi, Detective Murphy.
- Yeah.
Officer Murph, I call him.
- Yeah.
- Oh, detective, what's for dinner?
- For dinner?
- Yeah. I'm hungry.
- You're always hungry.
- Hey, we know a really
good Italian place.
- I don't Italian.
- Okay.
- We know a great steak place.
- I don't eat steak.
- Alright.
- What do you like?
- What do I like?
- Well, the other day we went
to a Mexican restaurant
owned by a black family.
- Yeah.
- It was called Casa Your Mama.
- Casa Your Mama.
- Oh.
- Wow.
[lively music]
- Now what in the hell is going on here?
Now, one single person has got back to me,
told me didly squat about when
we're shooting our scenes.
I have 30 grand put in this project
and I can charge it all right back again.
- I was promised over
300 lines in this movie.
And I've come to collect.
- And I was promised
301 lines in this movie.
I always get more than my sister.
- If you want your question answered,
the crew is right over there.
- You know, I think he needs more color.
He looks like a corpse.
- [Makeup] Yeah.
- Maybe you could give him some blush.
- [Makeup] Yeah.
- Because this is a
thriller, not a zombie flick.
- And also his lips, they're
dry. You got anything for that?
- He looks hella dusty.
- Yeah.
- Get some moisturizer in here.
- Mm-hmm.
- The nerve on these guys.
Boss, pay no mind. You
look as gorgeous as ever.
Clark Gable had nothing on you.
- That's enough. That's enough. Stop.
- Give it back.
- It's mine.
- Hello. Hello.
[lively music]
- Rod. I know you paid a lot
of money to be a producer here,
but you can't just let randoms on the set.
You don't have a call
sheet or time schedule.
They're not supposed to be here.
So please don't let
anybody else on the set.
- No sweat off my back. I
know when I'm not wanted.
- Look, I'm not even joking.
I will take my money back.
When are my daughters
filming their scenes?
- I am so, so sorry.
We just have like a jam
packed day tomorrow.
We have action scenes,
we have death scenes,
we have karate scenes, we have sex scenes.
We're just not gonna be
able to fit you guys in.
Also, we have Harrison Bronco coming
and he's like the most
important part of the movie.
We could totally like try to
get you guys this weekend.
- Look, I should be the most
important part of this whole film.
I put in the most money, 30 grand.
You know what, if we don't
film our scenes by Saturday,
you're gonna see all kinds
of problems. Girls, let's go.
- We need that back.
- Let him have it.
- All that makeup Mr.
Bronco. You look marvelous.
- That's way too much makeup.
Way too much. Way too much.
- [Makeup] I think you look great.
- No.
- [Makeup] This is movie makeup.
- Oh...
- [Makeup] It's fabulous.
- I look like the bride of Frankenstein.
- Ugh.
- [tuts] Bullshit.
- No, come on, take this off.
- [censored] clowns.
[glass shattering]
[cat screeching]
Wipe it off and start over.
- Alright, stop it. Stop it right now.
- Guys, I cannot tell you how excited I am
because tomorrow is my big hot sex scene.
I cannot wait.
- Have you decided yet
whether you're going shirtless or not?
You know, show off those man boobs.
- Well, you know, I figured,
you know, Tony, if you got 'em,
you might as well flaunt 'em.
I mean, why not? We gotta have
some titties in this movie
'cause Jess, you certainly
aren't gonna show yours, so.
- All right. That sounds like a plan.
But we really gotta figure out
when Marley's gonna get here.
We need to get her right in makeup.
And then after that we need
to get Harrison in makeup
because they're in a
bunch of scenes together.
- I haven't seen her.
- Listen guys,
am I gonna get to kill
anyone anytime soon?
I think I should get
what I fucking paid for.
- Guess Marley's running
late. LA traffic is the worst.
- Hi, I'm Marley Fetters.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who are you? Some kinda lot lizard.
[lively music]
- No.
- I was specifically told
that everyone that was
supposed to be here today
was already here.
I just got done getting
my ass handed to me
for allowing randoms on set.
- I'm not a random, I'm
not a lot lizard either.
I'm here for the movie.
[lively music continues]
- Well, little lady,
you must have been fired
from this here production
and they forgot to tell your ass so vamos.
I will not be yelled at again
by some Hollywood siren.
Adios. Go, go, go, go.
[footsteps plodding]
- Marley!
[upbeat music]
Has anyone seen Marley?
- [Rod] I seen her.
I sent her ass walking.
[footsteps plodding]
That lady producer told
me not to let anyone else
on set today. That's
right, I do what I'm told.
- Why would you do something like that?
You're gonna ruin the whole movie.
- What are we supposed to do
without Harrison's daughter
character in the film?
By the way, you should probably
go get in your wardrobe soon.
[footsteps plodding]
- This is my wardrobe.
- Don't worry everyone,
I have her contact info
and I'll just tell her
it was a big mistake.
[footsteps plodding]
- You're a big mistake to your mother.
- Shit, I can't wait till she gets here
so I can gut her good.
- Yeah, well-
- What?
- Hmm?
- All right, look, I need to leave.
I can't fucking stay here.
These are fucking amateurs.
- This is your big comeback.
They want throw your comeback.
- This is setback.
- Fix 'em up now.
- [Makeup] Okay.
- Right now.
- [Makeup] Okay.
- You're fucking misfits, all of you.
- Yeah. We'll come back tomorrow.
- Well, can't we all just get along?
- I'm outta here.
- Oh him. No.
- [Makeup] Sir, wait.
- [Harrison] Gabe, get outta the way.
- [Makeup] I have to fix it.
- [Harrison] Everybody get outta the way.
- Please sir, don't leave.
- Get outta the way, Bob,
go ahead. Go ahead Bob.
- [Harrison] We're gonna
fix it up right now, please.
- Your problem, lady, not mine.
[lively music]
- We just can't have
any more setbacks today.
- This is the most unprofessional
shoot I've ever been on.
No more of this no budget, low budget,
independent movie stuff.
- Wait.
- Unprofessional.
- Where are you going?
- Unprofessional.
- We're shooting Harrison-
- I'm going home, that's where I'm going.
- Wait, Mr. Bronco, can I
just, just turn this way?
Please, sir.
- Get outta here.
[phone camera clicking]
Get outta here.
- Yo Harrison, man slow down.
[upbeat music]
He's recording already, come
on dawg, don't you want that?
[crowd clamoring]
- We've got tomorrow.
- Well, I guess we're done for the day.
Can't shoot anything
else without our star.
- Good news guys. I just got
off the phone with Marley.
She'll be back in 15
minutes so we're all set.
[footsteps plodding]
- No, no, no, no, no. We
can't have Marley back.
Harrison just left. We
have to call her tomorrow.
- Yeah. Tell her come tomorrow.
Come tomorrow, he left.
- I just called her.
- Yeah. Tell her tomorrow.
Tell her tomorrow.
[footsteps plodding]
[gentle music]
- You know water is weird, right?
You order spring water. It's
supposed to be purified.
You order purified water.
It's supposed to be spring.
It all tastes like purified water.
Take care of yourself and each other.
[door knob rattling]
[lively music]
- Tina, have you been avoiding me?
- No.
- I haven't received any
information from your progress.
I have no dailies. I have no files.
I need information from you.
- I've been on set here 12 hours a day.
- Yeah, you're doing nothing.
If I don't see those files,
Pirate's Gate is not
distributing your movie.
- Alright. All right. I have
some of your files here.
Just gimme a second.
[bottle shattering]
[body thudding]
[Tina grunting]
[cat screeching]
[lively music]
[breathing deeply]
No one threatens our Pirate Gate deal.
[bottle shattering]
[dogs barking]
[footsteps plodding]
[body scratching]
I got work. Giving you more work to do.
[door latch clicking]
[gentle music]
- [Jess] Thank you so
much for coming down here.
- Life coach on call,
[laughs] Uber was $12.
Anyways, what's the problem?
- I am just so stressed out.
I don't wanna be a producer
anymore. I just wanna act.
- Okay. Firstly, firstly,
what did I teach you at the beginning?
What did you learn first?
Always finish what you start.
You started this. Now finish it.
Life is wonderful
and you're always
learning new things, Jess.
It's a good thing. It's a
good thing. It's a good thing.
- I don't wanna be here anymore.
[breathing deeply]
- Okay, listen. You got
problems. Yo, I got problems.
Well, we'll solve the problems,
but before we solve the
problems, you're too tense.
You're tense.
- Oh, yeah, I feel tense.
- We're gonna, I can see
that you are gonna have
to do some breathing exercises.
- Okay.
- Alright.
Let's go back and do a chihuahua.
- A chihuahua?
- [babbles] Small breath.
[breathing deeply]
[Jess imitating chihuahua]
There you go. Release the
stress with the monkey.
- Oh, I feel it in my stomach.
- With the monkey.
[Jess babbles]
- I feel in my stomach.
- Move your legs a little bit.
[indistinct]
[lively music]
- Jess, are you okay?
You seem to be stressed.
Did you not sleep last night?
- Charles?
Are you on another planet? Okay.
Everything that could have
gone wrong on this set
has gone wrong.
- All we gotta do
is split off into groups.
We'll get everything done.
We got so much stupid shit to shoot
before Harrison gets here.
The karate stuff, fans plus stuff.
We'll get it all done
Charles, and then we'll
be ready for Harrison.
- Yeah, that's a brilliant idea.
Let's get all the people who don't know
how to shoot a camera that
paid to be in the movie
to shoot this movie.
- But then we'll get it all done.
- That's what I hate about this
pay to play business, right?
So many out of place scenes.
This is the kind of
thing that kills the art.
- Come on, Charles.
We're in way too deep
to worry about that now.
We're in it to win it.
- Yeah, Charles,
you don't wanna start
something and not finish it.
We gotta finish the movie.
- Come on. Come on, please.
- [Teddy] Come on, Charles.
Come on. Perk up. We can do it.
Come on. You've been doing
great so far. Come on.
- Please.
[breathing deeply]
- Okay, everyone, I guess
this is where I say action.
[dramatic music]
- I have pushed the red
button on my device.
You should have sound now.
- All ready when you are.
- Wait, hold on. I need a minute.
I gotta adjust, my beanbag is split,
if you know what I mean.
[laughs]
- Oh yeah, well, this morning I put on
my wife's undergarments by
mistake while rushing to set.
[laughs]
- [Master Rex] Silence!
- Oh, can I borrow this?
It's pretty.
- [Master Rex] Silence!
[lively music]
[gong crashing]
Namaste. Patricia, step forward.
[footsteps plodding]
Show us your defense technique.
- What would you like me
to demonstrate, Master Rex.
Here. [laughs] Thank you.
- Oh, yes.
What I taught you in Goa,
the one that can take down any enemy.
- Brace yourself, Master.
[lively music continues]
[hands whooshing]
[footsteps plodding]
[blows thudding]
[body thudding]
[Master Rex grunting]
- Oh, baby, I can't believe I'm so excited
to be your love interest in this film.
I have been infatuated with you
since your first naughty post.
I've been on your page since day one.
- I know you don't I,
[amorous music]
You're the guy that likes
to shop at the mall-
- Yeah.
- With the squishy plush toys, right?
Yeah. I thought you were
mentally challenged.
[footsteps plodding]
- All right, gentlemen, this
way, this way. Follow me.
Chop, chop. You over here.
- And what up guys?
I am her love interest in
this film. I am her top donor.
- Well, that's nothing.
Look, I got her panties.
See these? I bought these from her.
They're pink, they're peachy
and they're gently used.
- I've got five gallons of her bath water
and I bath in it nightly.
- That's nothing.
Look, I bought a jar of her
farts. I didn't bring it to set,
because, yeah, that's a
little weird. But I got 'em.
- Baby. I'm in love with you.
But it turns out that I'm just a simp.
[man crying]
[footsteps plodding]
[lively music]
- Now Rod, you don't want
another repeat of you yesterday,
do we?
- No, no, no ma'am.
I'm sorry about that. I swear. [laughs]
It'll never happen again.
You got my word on that?
- Anybody that says they belong here,
you welcome them with
open arms, all right?
- Yes ma'am.
- Come on, green card.
Green card. Secret green card.
[Linda exclaiming]
I want mad money. [laughs]
- Honey, honey, honey,
we need to talk.
- Talk what?
- I'd like to start a family, baby.
[pillow thudding]
- Family, oh, no, no family.
I was not here for family.
I want green. I want
money. I want green card.
I want green card. Come on.
- You said you'd love me.
- I love you but because
you gave green card.
I have a green card, green card.
- I can't just pull a green
card out on my wallet.
That's not how it works.
- You can,
because I give you my beauty.
[lively music]
Look at the beautiful long
legs, but I need green.
- Yes, you're beautiful, you're gorgeous.
[laughs]
- I love us, huh?
- Cut, cut, cut, cut.
- Good, right?
- Good. Great. You're
wonderful. Thumbs up.
[hands clapping]
I like it.
- All right. And roll sound.
- Sound speeding.
Scene five, take 100.
[breathing deeply]
Sounds good. Sound rolling.
- All right, and action.
[Master Rex grunting]
[lively music]
[hands whooshing]
- What is it?
- Yo, what's up bro?
So anyway, I was thinking for this scene,
I could like stab you under the chin.
We get someone from props to lift you up.
- Lemme stop you right there. Okay.
There's no way that you
could ever defeat me.
That is just complete
disrespect to my training.
You are cognitively inept.
- Insult our master one more time
and see what happens.
[hands thudding]
- It's gonna happen, right?
- You won't go well for you.
- You can leave.
- This is a goddamn
parody in here. [laughs]
- All right guys, that was terrible.
Let's take, do it again
from the top. Come on.
[group grunting]
- So what is that you want?
[lively music]
- Well, I saw how you are
friends with Jess on social media
and I thought maybe you
could follow me too.
- It's me. I got millions of
followers all over the world.
But that will cost, you what you got?
- Oh, oh, oh. I was hoping we,
I already paid you like a $1000 just to-
- Lying, money, money now.
- I paid a lot
to be in the movie. I
thought maybe we could just-
- Shh.
[lively music]
[crowd clamoring]
[elephant bellowing]
- Hey. Shut up, shut up,
shut up, we're filming.
Be quiet, What the fuck
is going on? Be quiet.
We're filming. Shh. Quiet.
- Apologies.
- Stab, stab, stab.
- What the fuck are we doing?
- Sounds good.
- Students, fight.
[lively music]
[crowd clamoring]
[elephant bellowing]
[footsteps plodding]
- Howdy little lady. Go right on in.
I won't make the same mistake twice.
- It was mortifying for me.
I thought they let me go.
- Well, I'm a letting you go on in.
Have a nice day doing
whatever it is you're doing
in this movie.
[lively music]
Howdy, y'all supposed to be here today?
- Yeah, we belong here.
- They invited us for lunch.
[footsteps plodding]
[lips smacking]
- Right this way.
- Yeah.
Oh, I hope they're serving
chicken amandine. I'm starving.
Are we living in a rib stocked tent
Are we living in a tent
Are we living in a rib stocked tent
Are we living in a tent
[graphics booming]
- Hi, this is Michael Martinez here
with the Delicious Horror Film Spill
and I'm here with the incredible Jessica.
So there's been killings
going on set with your film
and I heard that you're the
producer of this project.
So what is going on with that?
- I told you that we
couldn't talk about that,
so just edit that out, okay.
- I mean, I'm just wanna give
the people what they want.
I mean, they want the juice.
- I can't really have him filming this.
I didn't agree to this. I
didn't sign a release for this.
- Okay. No.
- I'm not gonna sign
a release for this.
- Keep, keep rolling.
We need this. We need this.
- I'm not gonna sign.
I not gonna sign.
You told me you wanted to promote
my newest movie coming out.
- Keep rolling.
- There's three guys and one girl.
I don't mind sharing.
[amorous music]
- I haven't been good at
sharing since, you know,
elementary school.
- Guys. No, no.
We're gonna have a problem
because Stu don't do sloppy seconds.
- Guys, guys, guys.
[whistle trilling]
- That is enough of that.
My name is Matilda
and I'm your intimacy
coordinator for today.
I'm here to make sure
there's no unwanted touching.
Honey, would it be okay
if he touched your knee?
- Sure. I guess so. [laughs]
- Gladly.
- No higher. Would it be okay
if he touched your shoulder?
- Okay.
- And you,
maybe her other shoulder.
- Try to keep my eye on him.
- What is in your hand?
- Oh, well, these are panties.
- Oh, that's disgusting.
- No, he paid for those.
- What a toxic work environment.
- Alright, I think we're
ready to go for this.
- Yeah, let's run.
- All right. Take 105.
Everyone settle and action.
[dramatic music]
[footsteps plodding]
- No, no, no, no, no.
What's this shit, man?
No, you gotta twist it, homie.
I'm the killer in this movie.
You put down a little more
money, or try to steal a role.
Ain't fucking happening homeboy.
Fuck that shit. Nah, it's fucking
my role, dude.
[shuriken whooshing]
[flesh squelching]
[actor grunting]
[blood sloshing]
- These special effects are fabulous.
[body thudding]
- How did they even do that?
Where did they hide the tubes?
And has anyone seen any
special effects artists on set?
- No.
- Now that I'm thinking about it.
- Those aren't special
effects. That man was murdered.
This is the moment that
I've been waiting for.
It's my time, judgment day.
[lively music]
[breathing deeply]
[suspenseful music]
[blows thudding]
[Master Rex grunting]
- Oh no.
- Hi baby.
[lips smacking]
[laughs]
- I can't take this.
- Would you get the fuck off my wife?
- Yes.
- Fuck you.
- Hey!
- I want my money back.
- I already spent it.
- Hey, I'm gonna fucking sue you.
- And I'm gonna take
the money and I'll stop-
- Come on, guys. Come on, calm down.
- Get him outta here.
[crowd clamoring]
- Guys, guys, she's touching me.
- I love your boobs
and your pregnant body.
[dramatic music]
You just got cut so bad.
[flesh squelching]
Oh, god, I'm about to cum.
[flesh squelching]
[actor grunting]
[actor screaming]
[knife scratching]
[flesh squelching]
- I have no dick, baby's
not gonna love me now.
- You guys sure know how to
show an old man a good time.
- Well, we do have the best connections
for all the most awesome local clubs.
- Oh yeah, we know the best
bottle service, best lap dances.
- Most club drugs I've seen in my life.
- Whoa, those lap dances.
- I don't know.
I don't know, the food in that place.
Keep, keep, make me sick. The last plate.
It was wet.
- Yeah.
- The last time I was eating, it was wet.
- You're gonna have to
sit in it like you did
on that plane going to Florida.
- That was terrible but I got you.
- Hey guys, I am so happy
to have you back today.
- Oh yeah.
- Yeah.
I see you guys have all been partying.
I'd like to party too.
- Well, I was beginning
to think this crew's
like a bunch of pussies.
- Yeah.
- Still have some party favors left
if you'd like to partake.
- Oh yeah, it is Primo donut dust.
- Oh, well I might just take
you to your dressing room
and do some lines. I mean,
I go over your lines.
[lively music]
[card thudding]
- I had to take a break from my acting.
- Hey man, you're the legend.
- To go into to rehab
'cause of my addictions.
[inhales sharply]
- Welcome back.
[Harrison grunting]
- I need a touch up. Oh.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- You know,
it's so easy to fall back into
this dark web of drugs and alcohol.
- I think that's making your mouth numb,
because I couldn't understand that.
[breathing deeply]
[Harrison grunting]
- You can run, but you can't hide
the monkey on your back will grow hungry
when you're least expect it.
- Mm.
- And mine is starving right now.
[inhales sharply]
[Harrison grunting]
- I can't do drugs. I
can't. I can't. I can't.
I gotta call my life coach.
[lively music continues]
Tell Stacey I'll be right back.
- This is good shit.
[breathing deeply]
- I'm so excited, Marley,
about our sex scene.
I can't wait but at the same time,
I'm really, really nervous.
- [Marley] Why?
- I have to tell you something, Marley.
A lot of people don't notice about me,
but I used to be really, really heavy.
I actually lost 456 lbs.
So I have a lot of extra skin,
and I'm just kind of worried
about you being, you know,
being embarrassed in front of you
or you being disgusted by me.
[gentle music]
- That's okay. That's
alright. You look fine to me.
- I do.
- [Marley] Yeah.
- You think I look good.
- [Marley] Yeah.
- Well, here's the thing.
[gentle music continues]
Maybe after the shoot, maybe
I could take you on a date
and we could have a fun night together.
- Oh, I don't think my
girlfriend would like that.
I'm sorry.
[jack hammer thudding]
[car horn blaring]
[crowd murmuring]
- All right, thought that was the one.
- Well, I normally don't
talk to telemarketers,
but this is interesting.
- [Phone] Do you own your own home?
- Yep.
- [Phone] You can save
hundreds of dollars.
- Then gimme a quote,
and I'll call you back.
- [Phone] You can save
hundreds of dollars-
- Mm-hmm. I got this there.
- [Phone] Basically completing-
- Honey, I'm on the phone,
can you keep it down.
[Jess crying]
Oh, wait.
Let me call you back. The
heck is wrong with you?
What's wrong?
- I can't be here anymore.
I just, it's too tempting.
I just, I just, I need, I
need something for energy
and I don't have no energy and
I just can't do it anymore.
- Wait. Whoa, whoa. You
didn't do drugs, did you?
- I wanted to do the drugs.
- But you didn't.
- I might've done a little bit of it.
- Did you do it or not? Now,
if you did, that's good-
- I don't know if I-
- If you didn't, you won.
- I don't even remember
if I did it. It was there
and if I done it.
- You won. You won. You won.
You didn't.
- I didn't. I lost.
I'm such a loser.
- [Lifecoach] No.
- I'm such a loser.
- [Lifecoach] You're not a-
- I'm a loser.
- I don't see losers.
And you're not a, you didn't-
- [Jess] I'm such a loser.
- You won the battle.
You didn't do it. You're strong.
- [Jess] No, I think I did it.
- You did?
- I don't know if I did it.
I don't know what did?
- What?
How do you not know what you did?
- I don't even know anymore.
I'm so stressed out.
I'm running around. I'm doing everything.
- Oh my God. What did I teach you?
- [Jess] What do I do?
- What have I taught you?
- [Jess] What do I do?
- Jess? What?
- Lifecoach?
- Jess, Jess, listen.
You didn't do drugs. You won't do drugs.
You're a strong woman.
[lively music]
Strong. Strong. Say it.
- I'm a strong woman.
- [Lifecoach] Strong woman.
- I'm a strong woman.
- [Lifecoach] I will not do drugs.
- I will not do drugs.
- [Lifecoach] Drugs.
- Drugs.
- [Lifecoach] Bad.
- Bad.
- [Lifecoach] Drugs bad.
- Drugs bad.
- [Lifecoach] I will not do drugs.
- I will not do drugs.
- [Lifecoach] See you won, you're victory.
You're victory. You're victory.
- I'm victory. I'll not do
drugs. I love you. I love you.
Oh, okay. Okay. I ready to
shoot. I'm ready to go, guys.
- I gotta make a call. Oh, Jesus.
Now, what was that telemarketer's number?
Oh, he'll call back.
[phone ringing]
- Oh, wait a minute, scam
likely, it must be him.
Yeah. Hey, scam. So tell
me how much it costs.
- That girl, Marley over there.
- Yeah.
- Stop looking at her.
- I was just downstairs with her
talking about the sex
scene we're about to do.
You know what she told me?
I tried to ask her out and she said,
"I have a girlfriend. I'm
not interested in men."
- Excuse me, sir.
- Yeah.
- Hey, snazzy digs.
- Thank you.
- Love the 10 gallon hat.
- Thank you.
- So me and my friends here
bought the featured death perk.
- Well, you're here to
be in the horror movie.
This is the right place.
I think the kill scenes
are gonna be in shot over there somewhere.
- All right.
- I'm at this post since I got yelled at.
- Alright guys, let's do it to it.
- Here you go.
[footsteps plodding]
- And the beach is this way, right?
- You ain't gonna find much
beaches around here, lady.
- Okay, thanks.
[laughs]
- Do I get to be killed?
- Yeah, hurry up.
- Ooh, I really like your
hat. That brim is so long.
- Oh, thank you. You
ought to see the crown.
- Ooh.
- Love that shirt, man.
I got a rug just like it.
- Yeah. Matches your head.
- This is the new joker.
[upbeat music]
[crowd murmuring]
[inhales sharply]
[Harrison grunting]
[crowd murmuring]
- Oh, easy, easy boys.
[breathing deeply]
- Oh, man, you're an animal.
Fucking eat it.
[upbeat music continues]
[group babbles]
[inhales sharply]
- Oh yeah.
[footsteps plodding]
- So Gary.
- Yeah.
- Did you hear about the Bigfoot guy
that was living in the
mountains around here?
And the story goes,
he took an acetic BM on this hiker's face
and his face melted clear right off.
- Oh my God. That sounds like one
of those crappy Chauncey
movies we used to rent
from the library. That's atrocious.
- What kind of actor would
want to do a crappy movie?
- Idiots.
[breathing deeply]
Look at all this hooch.
[footsteps plodding]
- Oh wow.
- Can you believe it?
- Oh, my favorite here.
- Oh man. We're gonna
have to take some of this
home with us.
- Yes.
Let's drink to celebrate.
- I'll give you whatever you want.
You want more lines? Money? Whatever.
- She's breathing. She's
breathing. Who is this character?
- This is a director.
This is why I'm so upset.
- You're the reason that...
You're the reason she's having
problems with her stress.
How can she act when she's full of stress?
- Listen, you can take that hairdo
and you can get a board, a
surfboard and you can swim it.
And I don't know, but fuck off.
[suspenseful music]
[door latch clicking]
- Oh wow. Check this out.
[footsteps plodding]
Oh, look at those
bodies. They are so real.
Wow. Look at that dead
guy. His butt is amazing.
I bet your butt can look
great too when they kill you.
- Freak.
- Oh yeah. Oh wow.
Check this out. I think the
beach is this way, guys.
- [Man] Will you knock it off.
[laughs]
- Love to be force fed my own eyeballs?
- Are you the lifeguard
for the nude beach?
- It's so cool.
- Not fair you got that cool costume?
- Oh man, what the hell is that?
That's not another vaccine, is it?
- How much did you pay for that perk?
[gloves rustling]
[fluid spattering]
[group shrieking]
[flesh hissing]
[suspenseful music continues]
[group grunting]
[flesh squelching]
[group screaming]
- This is not a house.
This is a torture chamber.
- It's a... It is what it is, okay.
- But how can it go
from us in a living room
in a normal house?
And then we go, oh, let's go
to the bedroom and, you know,
cheat on each other.
And then we go to this.
- Yes.
- This is where...
Why would we come here?
- Because this is where you have sex.
And when they're watching you,
they're watching you have sex.
Is this, does this look right to you?
Does this seem right?
- Yes. And also you-
- You would-
- It looks right.
- This would be house sex?
- It looks right right now.
I mean, I love everything about it.
Were you here when I was talking to Chuck?
- You guys are both fools.
This is... Forget it.
Just forget it. Forget it.
- Listen.
Talk to your co-star. Figure it out.
Come to some sort of agreement
because this is the atmosphere.
- Now, Marley, when we do the scene,
when you do the nipple
twist, do it right here
because the microphone's
right here, all right?
- Okay.
- Okay. Okay. Okay.
So you ready?
- Uh-huh.
- Alright. Oh, darling,
you're the most beautiful girl
I've ever seen in my entire life.
- [Marley] I echo those sentiments.
- [Teddy] You do?
- [Marley] Yeah.
- [Teddy] You do?
- [Marley] Yeah.
- [Teddy] Oh, you ready? Yeah.
Take me. Come on. Come on.
Come on.
[Teddy grunting]
Oh, my nipples.
[Teddy grunting]
- You love it. You love it?
- Ah, yes.
- Yeah.
- Oh, okay.
- Perfect tension.
[Teddy grunting]
Perfect tension, perfect
tension. Titty pressure. Ooh.
[Teddy grunting]
[Marley moaning]
[crowd clamoring]
[Marley screaming]
- Whoa, whoa, Jess.
Come on. Come, come on.
[blows thudding]
[Teddy bellowing]
- No, this is my scene!
- What the fuck is going on, Jess?
What're you doing?
- Hey, come on.
- What the hell, it's a nice sex scene.
- I'm sorry.
- Sorry.
What the hell you doing? What's wrong?
- I'm method acting.
- Alright, let's take
it from the top people.
And this time let's stick to the script.
- I know we're all stressed here,
but Harrison's ready to shoot
and he's probably bored as hell.
- I'm sure he will be fine.
[inhales sharply]
And action.
[lively music]
- I love you guys.
We should all get matching
tattoos when this is all over.
[laughs]
[lively music continues]
[suspenseful music]
[vacuum beeping]
[vacuum whooshing]
[crowd murmuring]
- Oh god that is nasty.
- Wow.
- Oh my God. Oh.
- Whoa.
- Oh no.
[lively music continues]
- "Pay 2 Die" Scene 106, take one.
Sex scene.
[clapper snapping]
- Oh, darling, you're the
most beautiful specimen
I've ever laid my eyes
on it in my entire life.
- I echo those sentiments.
- You do?
- Yeah.
- Oh. Oh my shame.
- I love your shame.
- You like my shame?
- I love your shame.
[Teddy moaning]
I love that shame.
[Marley moaning]
- Hey, hey. Hold on, hold on. You're-
- What are you doing-
- You're not doing this-
- We're doing a scene, what are you doing?
- You wanna make it look real, right?
- Yeah.
- You wanna make it real?
- But we're filming.
- It's the first time,
you need blood.
- [Marley] Excuse me?
- Need blood. I'll show you
how to do it. Come here.
[Marley screaming]
[crowd clamoring]
- It's not approved.
That was not approved.
Inappropriate. Off set. Off set. Off set.
- Get him out of here.
- Charles!
What the fuck, Charles?
The only reason I put money
in was for this sex scene.
Now look what you've
done. My co-star is upset.
- You fucked it all up.
- No, you fucked up.
When was all that makeup
guy trying to kiss me?
- Did you have fun in the sex scene?
- Yeah, all these fucking
[indistinct] said,
the mic's falling in my head.
This is thing even plugged in.
- He's brain dead basically, it's not-
- Then why did you hire him?
- Because I felt sorry for him.
- Felt sorry for him. Okay,
well figure it out, Charles.
Figure it out. The next
take better be better.
You better figure it out.
You better figure it out.
- That's real gas.
[indistinct]
- Harrison, we need to get out of here.
[lively music]
[group coughing]
[vacuum hissing]
[breathing deeply]
Cut. Wait, I already did cut.
Keep rolling anyway, do a monologue.
Maybe I can turn this into a podcast.
Good evening, I'm Charles
[gentle music]
and I'm gonna take you on an adventure.
An adventure you may not want to go on.
It has to do with sex,
and it has to do with fun,
and it has to do with
friends. Goodnight everyone.
- Oh, I bet her [indistinct]
touched this. Oh.
[inhales sharply]
Oh, that's so Jess,
I love you.
[ominous music]
Oh, I'm gonna take you to the outback.
And we're gonna have
little Joey's together.
I'm gonna do some bush whacking.
- I echo those sentiments.
- You do?
- Yeah.
- Oh. Oh my shame.
- I love your shame.
- You like my shame?
- I love your shame.
- Oh. Oh.
The first lady that's liked my shame.
- Yes.
[both moaning]
[laughs]
- Teddy, look at you.
Put your 10 over there, huh?
- Oh [indistinct].
- Loser. Man, yo dawg. Fuck,
dawg, I'm gonna get in there.
[Dominic grunting]
[suspenseful music]
- Oh, I love that shame.
[Teddy shrieking]
[knife whooshing]
[flesh squelching]
- Dominic.
- Where's Tina?
- [Teddy] Where in the hell is Marley?
- It's like everyone just disappeared.
[ominous music]
[footsteps plodding]
[Dominic grunting]
[body thudding]
- I have a very important
announcement to make.
I've planted explosions
and this little device,
I like to call it, my action stick.
And when I press this button,
it'll bring the house down.
[laughs] Yeah, bring the house down.
- I don't wanna die. I'm
too young and hot to die.
- I've been an actor my
whole an entire life.
It's all gone to hell in the hand basket.
It's dried up overnight.
Crowd funding, pay to play.
[phone camera clicking]
Has anyone a a among you,
even taken a little glimpse
at my demo reel or my
audition tape? Of course not.
Speak the speech I pray you,
for the action to the word
and the word to the action.
Do not cut the air thusly, but speak...
Well, you, listen, when you cast me,
I'll do the rest of the
soliloquy for you. Okay.
Joe Estevez auditioning for
the killer of "Pay 2 Die".
And scene.
[ominous music continues]
You were too busy running to the bank,
cashing your checks from those delusional
sycophant people who think they're actors.
I am not the last of this breed.
There will be plenty of
more real actors like me
to carry on this work.
[ominous music continues]
- Still no response.
Oh, well, I'm gonna go in
there and take some action now.
This oni is not going to be pretty.
[Rick grunting]
- Are there any of you that
would like to say action?
[breathing deeply]
[ominous music continues]
I guess I'll just have to do it by myself.
Action!
[ominous music continues]
[Rick grunting]
[flesh squelching]
[remote thudding]
[body thudding]
- You're like my hero.
- No one touches my Jess.
[footsteps plodding]
- Oh my God. Rick. Rick, you're my hero.
How could I repay you?
- Well, the show would be
if you all followed me back.
[laughs]
- Rick, I'll follow you
back. I'll follow you.
I'll follow you right
now. I'll follow you.
- [Rick] All five accounts.
- [Teddy] Yeah, all five.
[remote beeping]
- Hmm.
What does this button do?
- No!
[explosion booming]
[lively music]
- Did anyone really think this movie
sounded like a good idea?
- Anybody that would pay money
to be in a movie is a loser.
- You're not gonna get
me to pay to be in one.
- Yeah, I might get
myself that acting one.
[man farting]
- It's time for crowdfunding to die.
- In case you haven't
heard, a bunch of people
who paid to be in a
horror film got killed.
- Apparently anybody can act in the film.
It's being crowdfunded so you
can pay to play, as they say.
- And you can star as a witness.
- Crowdfunding.
So where I give my hard earned
money to a shitty director
so that they can make
their terrible movie.
I guess it's better than
some corporate machine
making movies in a boardroom by committee.
- Pretty sure this is gonna
cause a bunch of idiots
to try to crowdfund
their next masterpiece.
- According to the info I gathered,
crowdfunding online has been
a thing for over a decade,
and I think it's a great opportunity
to get the community together
to help someone fund a project
that they normally would
not be able to afford.
- 20 years ago, I was
in a bad horror film,
but I didn't pay to be in that.
- I'm gonna put in 1K.
- I'm glad I didn't get casted though.
I might've been killed.
- Well, I can't believe
I almost gave money
to star on that film.
- I think it's safe to say
this movie won't be
releasing anytime soon.
- So Dr. Adrian, we heard you
once worked with Mr. Jacobs.
What was it like to work
with him? What was he like?
- Oh, Mr. Jacobs. What a character.
He was an incredible actor,
but he was always so stressed out.
I tried to help him relax,
but it was like trying to calm a tornado
with a feather duster.
- Okay, this has definitely
gone into a direction
that I wasn't expecting.
- Crowdfunding a indie horror
film turns to numerous deaths.
- Your life is about to leave your body.
You're aboot to die.
- I am the king.
- One good kill deserves another.
[breathing deeply]
[laughs]
- You better hire me for this part.
- Ah, if this film had clowns
in it, maybe I'd be into it.
- I might get one of those welcome roles.
- I hope Hollywood doesn't do this crap.
- No.
- I'm down to die in this film.
- You are not getting my money.
- No. No.
- I would totally do it
if I could be the hero.
- Oh, I'm sure this is gonna be great.
- Pay to be in a film. How mental.
- Well, it's kind of interesting.
- I think you could have filmed
a guy just eating cheesecake
for an hour and a half.
That would be time and money better spent.
- This is David Goldberg
here on set of "Pay 2 Die"
with Teddy, one of the main actors here.
- Yes.
- Very excited about this.
I'm a big fan of your work, Teddy.
- Well, you've have you've
seen all my commercials.
- Yes. Yes. I've seen nearly all of them.
- Every one of my sex
commercials you've seen.
- I've seen them and-
- What is your favorite one?
What, do you like the one that's called
the Super Clear Condom ones?
You like those ones? [laughs]
- I like, yeah, the glow in
the dark one was interesting
as well.
- You liked That one?
Yes. You like that.
- The Halloween special.
- The Halloween one? Yeah.
- I bet you that guy
is bald under that hat.
- If you want me in your
film, you're paying me.
- Pay to be in a film.
[lively music]
What?
- Get a job.
[cutlery jangling]
- This has to be a joke.
Start some scary night to a
scary week to a scary month
- I wish I had paid to be in that movie.
He closes the door
He locks the lock
He walks outside and
looks at his phone
Oh no, it is the 31
- I'll see you around.
"Pay 2 Die" in peace.
Watch [indistinct] such a scary sight
Everyone is dressed in black
There's witches, zombies
and his neighbor, Jethro
He says to himself, it's just my luck
I'll go to bed
I'll suck it up.
I'll wake up tomorrow
when it's not the 31st
The next day comes, he goes outside
He looks up, sees a moon in the sky
A bat flies over his head
He sees a zombie and he says hi
What a surprise
The zombie waves back with his head
Because it's the
[indistinct] Halloween