Permanent (2017) Movie Script
(whales calling)
Girl 1: It's called "Sun-In".
You spray it on,
lay out in the sun,
and it makes
your blonde come out.
Girl 2: I heard
it makes your hair orange.
Girl 1: No, not really.
Maybe sometimes,
but not really.
Forget "Sun-In",
I'm gonna use lemons.
Girl 1: This is loads better
than some damn lemons!
I paid good money for it!
(birds chirping)
Who the hell are you?
(scoffs)
Aurelie: Mom?
Mom?
Mom.
- Jeanne: Ow!
- Can I get a permanent?
You mean a body wave?
No.
Why not?
'Cause I bet
it's a big waste of money.
And you're stuck
taking care of it every day.
I went to a beauty salon once.
The lady said,
"Jeanne, you want split ends?"
That's because your hair's thin.
Aurelie: Mine's thick.
A permanent
makes you hair hold curls.
- And you can feather it.
- Really?
I don't know why you spend
so much time
trying to be beautiful!
Just be realistic.
You'll probably
turn out just cute.
Aurelie:
What kind of mother says that?
That's not normal.
You want me to tell you the truth,
or you want me to lie?
I didn't say you were ugly.
I said you were cute.
Cute is very high on the scale!
Just cute?
You're supposed to encourage me.
You don't need encouragement
in the vanity area.
Beauty is a lot of work!
I was always just cute
and it worked out just fine for me.
It's less pressure,
and loads better!
Jim: You like that picture?
- You've got a great smile.
- Ah, thanks.
Yeah...
Not bad for your old dad.
(Jim chuckles)
Hey, did you ever see this pen?
It's got
Gerald Ford's signature on it.
He gave it to me himself.
I'm gonna hold on to this
until you turn 18.
You know what's another
part of your inheritance?
Jim:
Something I picked up in Brazil.
You know what
I do sometimes
when I've got a little
extra pocket change?
- Put it in the pig?
- Put it in the pig. Exactly.
That way,
when you go off to college,
you'll break it open...
You get to keep all the money.
Dad...
Can I get a permanent?
What?
Why do you want one of those?
Because I'm ugly and
I feel bad about myself.
- Come on.
- I have to be the new girl,
and everyone else
looks like Farrah Fawcett.
Farrah Fawcett?
Who names
their daughter "Farrah"?
Unless, of course,
you're Egyptian.
Dad, haven't you heard
of "Charlie's Angels"?
- They're on TV.
- No kidding, they're on TV.
Yes, one is blonde,
one is brunette,
they go on missions.
What does that have to do with you?
And you're not ugly.
You're a very attractive
young lady.
Can I get one anyway?
Please?
- Don't you want me to be...?
- Jim: Eh!
- Don't you want me...?
- Jim: Eh!
- Aurelie: Gorgeous?
- Eh!
Barry:
You may or may not know,
I'm very good friends
with Miss Dolly Parton.
What people don't know
about Miss Dolly Parton
is she's plagued
by combination skin.
And Miss Dolly Parton also has
what I like to call
the "sub T-zone".
And that's acne with pimples
that occurs
in the bosom region.
Is this a salon?
It's the same thing.
The whiteheads
and the blackheads
are just running wild
up here
in what we call "the T-zone."
This is your T-zone right here.
Wait, it says "Beauty School".
They're students!
We can't waste $40
on some fancy place.
We can't afford a beauty salon.
We all have to tighten
our belts.
Damn it, Jeanne,
why even bring it up?
Jim! You said
you'd talk nice to me!
- Keep your word!
- I am keeping my word!
- Then don't say, "Damn it"!
- Okay.
...and gently press
from either side like so,
and you might even
prick it with a hot needle.
Jim: Do you want to go home,
or do you want to get your hair done?
Jim: If all you're gonna do is complain
then we can just forget about it.
Jeanne: If you ask me
she doesn't need a permanent.
Jeanne: She hasn't been
very good this week. She's sassed.
- Jim: What?
- Aurelie: Come on, please.
- Jim: Jeanne...
- Jeanne: Well?
Jim: Okay.
Come on.
Just pull it,
pinch it, pop it,
and let me show you why.
Here you'll notice
that the whitehead
is just filled with oozy puss.
Barry:
That oozy puss is...
- Hairdresser: Hey, Come on in.
- Barry:...you just pull
and pop.
Or squeeze and pop.
Barry: But be sure...
- What are looking to get done?
- Jeanne: A permanent.
Have you done
one of those before?
Hairdresser: Lord, yes.
Absolutely, yes, ma'am!
I have done several perms
and they turned out just fine.
That's great!
See, Aurelie?
Are you a professional?
Five more weeks.
Yes, I am.
O- ray-lie?
That's your name?
It's French.
Really?
So, do ya'll speak French?
No, just English.
Well, her name was
supposed to be Angie.
Then, right when
I was about to have her,
I ran into this French nurse.
She talked me into Aurelie...
At the time,
I liked that it wasn't
just the same old thing.
Yeah, well,
that's real interesting.
Hairdresser:
So, do ya'll want small ones?
- Um...
- Small equals a tighter curl.
I want ringlets, really soft
and natural looking.
The kind I can blow dry
and brush through, to wings.
Yeah, right!
We wanna get our money's worth.
We don't want to spend
20 whole dollars,
and have it all
just fall out right away.
Hmm.
You need help
with anything, hon?
Nope.
Nope, I'm good.
Just looking,
my wife likes these.
Just checking out the styles?
- Yeah.
- Maylene: Sure.
My name's Maylene.
You just give a holler
if you need anything.
How much you sell them for?
Which one?
Your cheapest model?
That little blondie in the
corner's just 38 bucks.
You wanna see it?
You sell just the heads?
The heads?
You mean you just wanna
buy the form? The head part?
Maylene: The wig form,
I think it's called.
That's what I'm saying. Right.
Maylene: Gosh, I don't know!
Let me go and check.
That's really not necessary...
Barry:...that beauty is
on the inside, and I say that is
a load of horseshit. However,
what you put into your body
is just as important...
Maylene: I'm so sorry.
That man over there
wants to buy a wig form.
What's he want to buy
a wig form for?
I don't know,
what should I do?
Sell him the damn wig form,
Maylene.
$6.99, that's a 100% mark-up.
- $6.99.
- Give him a bag for it.
Okay.
Barry:
...the T-zone is like
the Bermuda Triangle
of skin care,
good skin
just disappears up there
to never be seen
or heard from again.
(alarm clock ringing)
Hairdresser: Came out
good and curly, didn't it?
What do you think, Aurelie?
Do you like it?
Sure she does!
Yep, in a few days,
it's gonna relax.
Perm's gonna relax on you,
whether you want it to or not.
I thought you wanted it curly.
It's dramatic.
Yeah, but...
She's just startled
by the change.
Sometimes it's a shock
when we make a big, bold move.
- Hairdresser: Hey, Barry!
- Barry: What?
Come check out this permanent
I just done did.
Study your final exam
material, I'll be right back.
Ah, that looks good!
That's good!
That looks real, real good.
- It does, doesn't it?
- You did a good job...
Come here just one second...
Barry: How long did you
leave that on her for?
Hairdresser: 45, I think.
My doggone timer broke.
Her hair looks like
it's having a stroke.
Did it come out too strong?
No, not at all. Heavens, no!
That looks real good.
Besides, that's gonna relax.
- Honey, it's good.
- What do you think, Jim?
Hairdresser:
Don't you think it looks nice?
Do you like it?
Yes, I do.
It looks very attractive...
And probably practical,
very easy to take care of.
Know what, if you ask me,
she looks like a movie star!
Wait, ah...
Barbara...
Treeland.
You know? Streeland!
- Streisand.
- Like Sonny and Cher.
Or like Captain & Tennille.
Like a captain.
When exactly
is it going to relax?
This could be...
soon.
Barry: Real, real soon.
Aurelie:
Dad, why are you going so fast?
You're young and healthy.
What's the problem?
Why'd we have to park
so far away?
I don't need to park
where everyone else parks.
Exercise is good for you.
That was standard military pace.
I'm not in the military!
Why are you so uptight?
I've already had
a hard enough day.
(chuckles) I'm not uptight.
And why have you had a hard day?
I think people
are looking at me.
People?
What people?
Maybe they're jealous.
Oh, hey, you see there?
She wishes she had your hair.
Did you see her eyes?
You really thinks
she wants my hair?
Definitely.
Listen, they said
it was gonna relax. It just...
Well, it hasn't relaxed yet,
hon. So, you can't judge.
Jim: And I am also relaxed.
Very, extremely relaxed.
(Jim sighs)
Dean: So...
What's Reagan like?
Oh, great sense of humor.
Doesn't always
remember your name though.
Um...
And Nancy?
Oh...
(both laugh)
Jim: No, she's fine.
It was time to wrap up
that career and follow my dream.
So, I am very grateful
for your financial assistance.
Your scholarship
means a great deal to me.
Now, I noticed here
that it says I'm required to do
two quarters of "natation"?
Um, that's swimming.
Correct.
Yeah.
And what does that
have to do with pre-med?
Oh, it's just
one of those old rules.
We started as a religious college,
and...
we're still
quite a bit Methodist.
What about jogging?
I'm much better at jogging
than I am at swimming.
Well, a quarter of jogging
is also required.
We are very strict about it.
But have no fear,
everyone can learn to float.
Dean: After that, you just swim.
Breast stroke,
back stroke, butterfly,
and dive off the high board.
Sure.
I already know how to float.
I swim like a seal.
Well, good.
So, then I don't think
you have anything
to worry about...
(heartbeat drowning out
Dean's voice)
Aurelie: Dad!
You're gonna swim, right?
Is it your hair?
Is it that you're afraid
it'll fall off?
No.
It's not.
Well, I liked seeing you
on campus.
You looked really smart.
Jim: Really?
Well, I guess that's better
than thinking,
"My dad was too dumb
to get into college.
He just sat around on
his ass, picking his nose,
and was a total imbecile."
We're both turning over
a new leaf.
(string music from TV)
Narrator:
Dolphins communicate
with members
of their family pod
through a variety of
individualized
whistles and clicks,
using nasal air sacs located
in the lower left
of the blowhole.
Surprisingly, Dolphins breathe
through their blowhole,
located at the top
of their head.
(moaning)
I love dolphins so much.
I don't feel like this
about any other animal.
Except maybe gorillas.
(dolphin sounds)
Jeanne: I don't know
why I feel so drawn to them.
Hard to say.
Oh...
I'd love to touch one.
I bet it's all
slick and slickery!
I wonder if I'd be scared?
Not if you practiced.
How do I practice
touching a dolphin?
You could use Jell-O.
Stroke the Jell-O.
- Well?
- You...
(Jeanne groans)
Come on, I'm not
overly interested in dolphins,
is that a crime?
Aurelie, did you take
my butter dish?
I'll bring it right back!
- I want my dish back!
- I need it!
Jim, do something!
She took my butter dish!
This is adding stress
to my evening.
How would you feel
if she took your comb?
Aurelie, open up!
My butter dish
stays in the kitchen,
so I can eat corn!
We already ate corn!
(Jeanne sighs)
Hey, just don't take
your mother's butter, hon.
We can buy you
your own butter, okay?
Why did you put butter
in your hair?
That beauty student needs
to go work in a damn kennel!
She made me look
like a damn dog!
And now I have to go
make friends like this!
No cursing!
The lady said it's temporary.
I told you.
"Damn it" is contagious.
Putting Land O'Lakes in
your hair is not a good idea.
It's not smart.
The stuff's going to curdle.
- I can't even comb it!
- Okay, okay...
All right, what are we gonna do?
Let's put our heads together.
She's just nervous cause tomorrow's
her first day of school.
We've got to get
a comb through it.
We need a...
What's it called?
A pick!
A pick would be great!
A pick would get through it.
- A pick. You want a pick, hon?
- What's a pick?
You're gonna love it!
You're weird.
You are so weird.
Are you new?
What's wrong with your head?
I got a permanent.
You did it that way on purpose?
Yeah, I like it.
Plus, it's really easy
to take care of.
And I like being over dramatic.
Hey, hurry up!
Bus is leaving!
(kids chatting)
(laughter)
Hey, that girl's got an afro!
(laughter)
What you do?
Stick your finger
in the light socket?
(laughter continues)
Ronald McDonald head!
- What's your name?
- Don't sit too close!
Boy: She's part black!
Blacks sit together!
(laughter)
- Hey, black dog!
- Who you calling black dog?
Not you, Lydia. Her!
I was calling her a black dog!
(more laughter)
I just call her a giant.
Her name's Lydia.
She's retarded.
She flunks school!
I don't even think
she takes a bath.
I take a bath! I'll kick
your ass, stink cracker!
(collective groan,
followed by laughter)
Why do they hate us so much?
What do you mean, "us"?
I'm gonna kill those honkies!
Aurelie: They hate our hair,
right? Because it's different.
I don't care about your hair,
you dumbass!
Don't talk to me
about your stupid head
that has nothing to do with me!
If you want,
I'll be your friend.
Hell, no!
You didn't come over here
cause you wanted to sit by me.
You're just desperate!
- Boy: Let me see your bag.
- Aurelie: What are you doing?
- Boy: Looky, looky.
- Aurelie: Give it back!
Boy: Come and get it
you curly-haired dog!
(school bell rings)
Aura...
Aurel...
Oral, Oral...
Aurahlee Dixon?
Oral sex?
Excuse me, Ray!
We do not say dirty expressions
in this classroom.
Would you like it
if your parents heard
what you just said?
Now, how do you
pronounce your name?
Aurelie.
Auralie, Auralie...
That was oral.
Sexy dog dong.
(chuckles)
Teacher:
That's not funny, Kelly!
It wasn't me.
I had something in my throat.
Well, I hope you all notice
that you should be
especially courteous to me
this year in class
because I am pregnant.
Very pregnant.
And I am focused
on the pink and the blue,
like those cute little booties.
And I am in no mood
for sassers!
Your family
just moved here, Aurelie?
Yes, we used to live in
Washington, D. C.
on an Air Force base.
Really?
Your father a pilot?
Sort of. He was called
a flight steward.
Now he's going to college
to be a doctor!
Probably a brain specialist.
You don't say?
That is fascinating!
Stop it!
I'm watching you!
I don't like your attitude!
Stop it with that gum chewing.
I can hear you
from out in the hallway.
My baby can hear you,
and it's driving my baby crazy.
Well, she's off to school.
Jeanne: Sink or swim.
Hi.
Hi there.
What are you looking at?
Jeanne: You. Only in a good way.
You know, Jim...
You might be over 40,
but you're still good-looking.
Oh, really?
Thanks a bucket.
It's true, a lot of men
go over the hill, but not you.
Don't you wanna kiss me?
Well...
Hon, I'm just getting ready
to start my day.
Let's not forget that
I'm taking college-level algebra
when my last class
was high school math.
Needless to say,
I've got some studying to do.
Jim, I think you have
a low sex drive.
No, I have excellent sex drive.
Then there's
something wrong with me
because you have
a low level of interest.
Maybe your level is too high,
ever think of that?
No!
I'm normal!
You're too uptight
to ever have any fun.
I have fun!
Lots and lots of fun events.
Endless amounts.
Maybe it's just that
you've got lousy timing...
When you have nothing to do,
and I have extra time
before work!
(laughs)
Sex is free!
Jeanne, I just put on
my hairpiece.
The glue irritates my scalp,
I don't wanna have
to take it off.
Just lay down with it on!
No, I'm not going to ruin it
because of your urges.
This is
a very expensive hairpiece.
Okay, and it's hot.
So, my head is probably
too sweaty for the adhesive
to work properly again.
But fine.
You want me to do it?
Okay, here we go.
Come and get me.
Jim: Now is your chance.
You're not making this
appetizing.
Jim: See? Even now,
all you do is complain.
I am sitting down
in the appropriate position.
The equipment is available.
My treasures are on display,
as you can see.
I'm not gonna just come up
and grab it and snatch it!
I'm not a dog.
You treat me
like a dirty old woman.
You're calling
yourself that, not me...
A pervert!
When anyone else would think
I have normal, sexual desires!
(sighs)
George Washington, John Adams,
Thomas Jefferson,
James Madison, James Monroe,
and John Quincy Adams...
I memorized them all one night
when it was raining.
Well, good!
That is real good.
Now, who can tell me
the three most important
systems of the human body?
Aurelie.
Um, skeletal, muscular
and circulatory.
Well, that is right.
That is absolutely right,
I can tell your daddy
is in medical school.
And who knows what
the word "onomatopoeia" is?
For example, the word "plop"?
It looks like Aurelie
is the only one...
Again.
Boy: (whispering)
Shut up.
Maybe I should go
to a different school.
Everybody hates me.
Sure, if you wanna be a quitter.
In my opinion, you should be
proud of your intelligence!
You try and please
all the dipshits of the world,
you'll end up
on an escalator going down.
Who knows, you might be
the first woman president.
Those jackasses
would be glad to have you
in the Back-of-the-Class Club.
Dad, you're hilarious.
"Back-of-the-Class" Club?
There is
no Back-of-the-Class Club!
I'm trying to talk to you
like an adult.
Back-of-the-Class Club,
Smoking-Dope Club,
Running-Around-No-Good Gang...
It's all the same!
Hey, you don't think
I'd rather be 18 or 19,
and just starting college, huh?
I had the intelligence,
but I did not have good advice.
Is that why you became
a flight steward
instead of a pilot?
Who said I wanted
to be a pilot, huh?
Pilots don't have it so good.
They're stuck in the cockpit
the whole time.
Who gets to talk
to the diplomats?
Now, what do you think?
- Aurelie: Think of what?
- Jim: My swimming.
- Your head's above water.
- Lots of people swim like this.
Bad swimmers, for example.
Bad swimmers?
Dad, you have to be a good
swimmer, this is college.
You're gonna get an F.
I know what I'm doing.
It's called the breast stroke.
Your head's still above water.
(Jeanne sighs)
My feet are killing me.
Who wants to give me a massage?
How much will you pay?
Do I ask you to pay me every time
I do something nice for you?
How about nothing?
When do you do
nice things for me?
All the time.
Food.
Jim: Ah, great!
You ever heard of this?
"How to Make Friends
and Influence People."
No.
Very popular book.
Very successful.
She's not gonna like
that book.
Jim: Yes, she is!
- It looks 100 years old.
- It's from the 1950s,
and it's very popular
because it works.
You read this, and those bullies
will leave you alone.
It teaches you
how to flatter them.
Flatter them?
You think that's gonna work?
It's worked
for millions of other people.
It worked for people
who are starving,
people who have to sell
products on one leg.
Why not you?
(sound of doorbell)
- Is that our doorbell?
- Get that.
- Why do I have to get it?
- I smell like chicken.
And I'm tired.
- Jim: I'm tired, too.
- I'll get it, I'll get it.
Neighbor: Welcome!
Dad, I think
it's the Welcome Wagon.
Aurelie: Should I open?
(ladies talking)
Nah.
Who needs their coupons?
What coupons?
They have a gift basket!
Aurelie:
I think I saw free jelly!
Jim: (laughing)
You're so naive.
There's no such thing
as "free jelly."
I love coupons!
What's wrong with us
that no one answers the door?
I wanted to open the door.
But Dad's too weird.
Oh, I'm the weird one?
Maybe I'm the normal one,
and they're strung-out
drug-pushers!
- Jim: Ever think of that?
- You're a clown, Dad.
Oh I'm the clown?
Look at you, clown.
You're the clown,
or are you trying
to mess with the best?
Ooh, you trying to start a war
you might lose?
- Ooohh...
- Ooohh...
Look strong, look alive!
(playful tussle)
Aurelie: No!
All great warriors
use the element of surprise!
Dad, I'm gonna get Alzheimer's!
I like to wrestle, too...
Oooh, pile-driver, hah-hah!
Jim: What do you mean?
Do I talk Swahili?
Jeanne: You have fun
with Aurelie, but not with me!
You think it's easy for me
to work all day,
sweating in that stinky
chicken factory,
working at Captain Chicken,
while you go to college?
You don't even ask me
how was my day!
Jim: Okay, okay. How is that
big boil on your rear?
On your hip? Did it ever
turn out to be infected?
Jeanne: What? That's it!
Jeanne: Get out!
Jim: What? You said you thought
that thing might be a boil.
And as you recall, I said,
"Don't worry, it's probably
just a simple pimple."
I'm concerned about you, hon.
I had no idea if you'd popped
it or not...
Jeanne: Jim! Do I make fun
of your physical defects?
Physical defects?
Jeanne: Like your toupee,
for example?
(Jim sighs)
What's going on?
Nothing, I'm the
Elephant Man now I guess.
That's right, nothing!
I go to work and I come home
to a big nothing!
Come inside,
we'll figure this out.
It's not healthy
to sleep on the grass.
Go to hell!
Mom, would you like
an apricot orange cheese ball?
No, thank you, Aurelie.
How about I give you
a foot massage?
Jeanne: Thank you.
Are you God?
No...
I'm Jerry.
Boy: Pubic hair!
So, what did you do?
If he tells me
he wants to get laid,
I say put that pecker
back in that pocket
for at least two weeks!
(scrambling noise)
Who's in here?
I bet you don't even know
what that means.
What? Virginity?
(laughter)
Somebody should leave
this bathroom.
It's a free country.
Girl: Bullshit!
Smells like stinky in here!
Somebody's stinky!
It was like that
when I got in here.
Hey, have you noticed
she has long legs like a model?
(laughter)
It's a compliment.
A what?
How'd you get
the name Oral, anyway?
Damn, was your momma on drugs
when she popped you out?
Let me see,
I'll name my baby Oral,
Oral dirty licky lick!
'Cause that's how
I got talked into
having this damn baby anyway!
What's wrong
with your hair, Butt Lick?
She said she got a permanent.
Yeah, I never seen
no permanent like that!
Cut it out!
Oh, my God!
What in the name of Hades
is that thing?
Haven't you ever heard
of a pick before?
They're popular
all over the United States.
They're for the blacks.
I think it's for pubic hairs!
Girl:
Maybe that's your new name!
Pubic!
I'm gonna kick your pubic ass
every time I see you!
- Oral!
- Get away from me!
Give me that hair spray?
Pubic needs some.
Get off of me!
Pubic hair!
What am I supposed to do?
Confront Jack?
Or play the good wife
and pretend
I never found
those porno magazines?
Which ones?
And bless your heart.
I don't know
how I'm ever gonna forget?
I don't know how you could!
Don't put me in the mood
to give birth either!
- I wouldn't imagine...
- Aurelie: Mrs. Tripp?
I was in the bathroom
and these girls beat me up.
Honest? Who?
I think
one of their names is Kelly.
You had a disagreement
with Kelly?
She is not being
a nice girl today!
She really is not.
And they pulled my hair,
and they sprayed
hairspray in my face!
That is not allowed!
If that happens again,
you come and you tell me.
Again?
(students yelling)
Mrs. Tripp: Lydia! Lydia!
Am I seeing you throw pasta?
Don't make me get up
out of my chair!
Help me up out of this chair.
Lydia! What are you doing?
Mrs. Tripp: Pasta everywhere.
Stop it!
Why are you not controlling
these students?
Teacher:
She could slip and fall,
and she is a pregnant woman.
This is not acceptable.
Bad on you, everyone!
(buzzing)
Jim: I just don't think
you tried hard enough.
Compliments and flattery
are a very effective,
time-tested method.
(metal detector buzzing)
Okay, hold on a second here.
- Have you ever found anything?
- Doesn't matter...
It's relaxing.
Jim: You just got to
give it a chance,
kind of like you
and Dale Carnegie.
Dad, you're not listening!
I need something else!
Like what?
Brass knuckles.
Brass knuckles?
Isn't that a little bit extreme?
Oh, look at this?
Oh! Look at that!
A glass bottle.
Probably used to store medicine
over 100 years ago.
My gift to you.
I don't want a bottle.
I wanna protect myself.
(Jim snoring)
(whales calling)
(whale calling continues)
(whale calls getting closer)
(whale calling continues)
- Jerry: Ma'am?
- (screaming) Oh!
Sorry...
I'm so sorry.
Do you know what...?
What are these sounds?
Oh, that's whales.
Is my sound system too loud?
Oh, no!
I love mammals.
Sea mammals!
That's my thing too.
Jerry: The mating call...
It gets real intense.
Right there.
(whale gurgling)
Real sexual, right?
- Sexual?
- Don't you think?
Oh, I don't know about that.
That's not why
I'm attracted to...
Mammals, sea mammals.
- Well, maybe it is.
- (whale call)
Sexual is everywhere.
Did you ever think about
how much fornicating
is going on...
in that little patch of grass
you're standing on right now?
- Grass?
- Jerry: Uh-huh.
Oh, you saw me sleeping
on the lawn the other night?
I don't usually do that.
I'm normal.
Oh, that's okay.
It's okay.
You know, for a second,
I thought you were God.
You kind of have that look.
(giggling)
Are you an artist?
I give art lessons.
I have no talent.
You don't need talent.
You just need to feel it.
Yearning.
Yeah.
(chanting)
Teacher: That was good.
Good job!
Now, the nabia, which is
right here below the nose,
is the weakest bone
in the whole body.
If you control
somebody's personal nabia,
you control them.
Volunteer?
- Man 1: Take me.
- Man 2: Over here.
Roger, come on up.
(teacher breathing deeply)
Okay.
Be a mugger.
(student groaning)
(fight noise)
Good.
You see that?
I won that there fight
with this!
Anybody can do it.
I didn't know
there was a personal nabia.
Hmm, me neither.
Think of how that knowledge
could come in handy.
Did you know that?
No.
Where are all the girls?
Not here.
They're not tough like you.
Now, Roger, I'm gonna have you
mug somebody else.
Oh, hi, Dixon family!
How you guys doing?
Good!
You guys called earlier?
Little girl getting bullied?
This one.
That's her?
Come on up, Aurala!
Why don't you give it a try!
I'm just a visitor.
There's no such thing as
visitors here in the dojo.
Okay? Now you come on up,
and you push on Roger's nabia.
- Go, go, go!
- Go on...
Come on!
Right. Stand right here.
Hands up.
Don't be afraid.
Okay, Roger.
Charge at her in slow motion.
Get your finger up.
Yeah, good.
Okay, here we go, ready?
Go for his nabia!
(groaning)
Way to go! Nice!
Get on back in there, Roger.
He got snot all over my finger.
Wipe it on your shorts.
(chanting)
This place smells like feet.
That's how men smell.
Should we talk about
how women smell?
It's not always potpourri.
Jeanne: You know,
I think karate is great.
You can take
the first week for free.
Why quit before you start?
Yeah, hon, where's your courage?
I've got plenty of courage.
Where's yours?
Me? Courage is my middle name.
(Jeanne chuckles)
Oh wait, stop!
Isn't that a real salon?
Jim: Right back there?
In this alley?
Wow!
"Permanent repair
and straightening"...
$60?
Ah, forget it!
It costs an arm and a leg!
- Dad, can I borrow 60 bucks?
- Jim: Yeah, sure.
As soon as you show me
where the money tree is.
Well, I don't know
where the money tree is!
Neither do we!
- Let's look for it.
- I wonder where it could be.
(chuckles)
Oh, Aurelie...
I'd even take a money shrub
at this point.
Okay, everybody!
Round one of Scooter board
hockey is about to begin!
I want you to come up
and grab a bandana,
and tie it around your head!
Okay, if you were red last year,
grab a red.
If you were blue,
keep grabbing blue.
Boys, you up first, let's go.
Coach: Settle down!
One at a time!
One at a time, one at a time!
If you're gonna sit by me,
you've got to give me a dollar.
What? I can't!
I've got to save up my money.
I need to raise 60 bucks.
So? You're using me,
so I can use you.
(sounds of whistle)
You think you'd sit here
if kids thought
your hair looked white?
Yes.
You think my hair's pretty?
Yes.
You lie.
Well, guess what?
It is pretty!
Maybe just not on you,
ever think about that?
By the way, that's not a afro,
you don't have a afro.
I swear these dummies don't know
their ass from a hole in the ground!
Why don't you take
your hair out of the braids?
What?
Because maybe
I don't want to, that's why.
Hi, curly-haired dog!
What be up,
Ronald McDonald head?
That guy told me he wanted
to touch you with his finger.
What? What finger?
Why don't you grow some brains?
Brett wants to stick his finger
in your poo-tang!
- My tang?
- Down there, jackass!
- But I don't even know him.
- That doesn't matter!
I got a stomach ache.
I don't wanna play this game.
Yes, you do!
This is our chance!
We can finally beat
those girls asses!
(laughing)
Coach:
All right, let's go!
(blowing whistle)
Coach:
All right, all right!
Get your hands up!
Coach: Over here!
- Give me the ball, Oral!
- No!
Lydia: Aurelie, come on,
that's not our goal!
- Coach: Let's go!
- Lydia: That's not our goal!
That's not our goal,
not our goal!
Wrong way, Space case!
Aurelie, don't give up!
Come on!
Girl: I'm open!
Lydia:
Come on! Come on!
Girl: Come on!
Give me the ball!
Ow!
(groaning)
(scream)
(coach blows whistle)
Her!
She is so rude!
My nose is about to bleed!
She's dangerous!
Out, now!
You too.
Up, let's go!
Keep your head high, Aurelie!
You all right?
She nearly hit me
with that there ball,
could've hurt somebody.
Park it right there
on that step.
Mrs. Tripp: At this school,
we do not accept fighting.
Fighters are sent
to the principal's office,
and usually suspended.
Fighting is low-class,
redneck behavior.
Is it true
you started first, Aureola?
What? No!
That's right,
I didn't do anything to her!
She stuck her damn finger
up my nose,
trying to touch my boogers!
You may try
that booger trick again.
Go ahead and make my day!
Girls!
Mrs. Tripp: Have you not noticed
that I am pregnant?
I am pregnant!
This is pregnant!
And I do not have
time for this.
You are disturbing
my unborn child.
So, what I'm trying to say is
that if you two do not learn
to get along,
you are both headed
for suspension!
Don't let yourself
overheat, Georgia.
Coach: All right.
You two girls need to give
the other person
a good long look.
Right now!
How is this situation
your fault?
What can you do to turn
this sinking ship around?
I want to hear ideas
from the both of you!
I try!
Oral's a bully!
Well, that's it?
That's it, I'm just gonna walk
on down to Mr. Toxin's office,
and have him
process two suspensions.
And guess what?
It goes on your college record.
Wait, what?
Wait!
I brought Kelly a present.
I heard her birthday
was coming up.
How'd you know?
It's in three months.
Well, isn't that thoughtful.
It's an antique.
It can be a knick-knack.
Kelly: A knick-knack?
Thank you.
I don't have one of these.
Well, now you do.
I wish I did.
Are you touched?
You should be touched.
- Why don't you two hug?
- Hug it out.
Coach:
Now we're cooking with gas!
(school bell ringing)
I been on the high road
I been on the low road
I been on the wrong path
more than I've cared for
I've been on the wrong path
Jeanne: Okay.
Here you are.
Thank you.
Okay.
- Jerry: Hi!
- Jeanne: Oh!
(Jeanne chuckles)
Oh, I seem to jump
every time I see you.
I'm unexpected.
Yeah...
I guess God is everywhere, huh?
You know...
I was writing a poem about that.
God, I'm like a little orphan,
fast asleep on the grass.
(chuckles)
I can't read any more.
It's embarrassing.
You didn't happen
to think it was good, did you?
What?
My poem!
Jeannie...
Not everybody's a poet.
You should try watercolors.
And then graduate to oils.
You don't have
original recipe here, do you?
Oh, no, no, this isn't
Kentucky Fried Chicken.
This is different.
Here it only comes fried.
Or under-fried.
Some people want it more fried.
(whispering)
This isn't the place for you.
It has no imagination.
Then why are you wasting
your time working here?
Jeanne: Because...
I'm the breadwinner.
Get away from my family's yard!
I heard your daddy wears a wig.
What? No!
I heard you've got a dirty mind.
You told Lydia you wanted
to use your finger on me?
You're gonna get finger action
sooner or later.
I will not!
If you knock off
the finger stuff,
maybe we could play something,
like Olympics.
What crazy-ass game is that?
I wanna play masks.
It's easy...
We just have to put on masks
and talk dirty, sexy talk.
If you do it,
I'll give you five whole bucks.
Aurelie, come here, please!
Jim: Faster, please, young lady.
Who is that boy?
Tell him to go home.
I don't like the look of him.
Dad, I don't have any friends.
It's not like I can
pick and choose.
Your mom needs help
with the laundry.
Why don't you go do it?
I've got homework.
You see this?
That's the tiniest record-player
in the world playing,
"My Heart Bleeds for You".
(Jim makes squeaking noise)
Jim: Get on.
You know, we should use
this time to talk to each other.
Get to know each other better.
Okay.
I've got to get Dad
to give me that 60 bucks.
I've got to ask him when
he's in a really good mood.
Aurelie, you don't get it.
It's not gonna help,
we're poor.
No, we're not.
We're upper middle class.
Dad was an Air Force officer!
He was enlisted.
And his scholarship doesn't
kick in if he doesn't swim!
So, don't tell me
we have all this extra money!
Here, hang up these underwear.
It's got holes!
- You should throw these out!
- Aurelie!
Underwear
does not grow on trees!
Sure, I'd buy new underwear
if I could...
But I can't.
All over the world, there are
millions of working class poor.
And that's what we are, poor!
And I'm proud of it!
Now, pick up
that poor woman's underwear!
Pick them up.
Why can't you pick up
your own horrible underwear?
Jim, your daughter just said
that my underwear are horrible.
That is not good
for my self-esteem!
Since when is she my daughter
all of a sudden?
Dad, Mom is a nightmare!
A horrible,
low-class nightmare!
Why can't you be loyal to me.
She's gonna go off to college!
I will be the one here
when you're old and feeble.
I just wanna eat some meat.
The meat is ready.
Dinner is served.
I was watching
World Wide Wrestling
very peacefully just moments ago.
Here.
This dinner does not give me
a warm feeling.
Do you think
it gives me a warm feeling?
Jim, we need help.
I saw an ad on the bulletin
board at work, it said,
"Free therapy
for troubled families."
From an ad on a board?
We'll end up
with a serial killer.
Jim, serial killers
don't live around here.
Plus, it's free.
Lydia:
Are you gonna pay me a dollar?
Aurelie: I've got bigger fish
to fry, Lydia.
I need 60 bucks
to fix my hair.
You think my mama
would just hand me 60 bucks?
Why don't you do some work?
Like collect aluminum cans!
Aurelie: What?
Where would I get the cans?
Use your head.
Wherever people drink soda pop
and throw away the can.
You mean I have to go dig
in the trash cans?
- Have you ever done it?
- Hell no! I don't do cans.
You're the one who needs some cash.
Man: Damn it, Lina...
Could you chew
with your mouth shut?
You look like a damn camel.
This is why we never go nowhere,
'cause you don't know
how to act in public,
you act like
you never been
out of a damn house before.
That's why
I never take you anywhere...
- There you are.
- Oh, the bathroom is no good.
I'm gonna go set down my purse.
Oh! (chuckles)
Jeanne: Hello, are you here
for family therapy?
I thought you were single.
I am single.
It's my group.
- Excuse me?
- I'm the group leader.
Jeanne: You mean, the therapist?
Mm-hmm.
Ya'll can come on down now.
Aurelie, here.
Jerry: Welcome.
So...
What comes to mind when we think
of this funny word, "Family"?
Jerry: Anybody?
Anybody?
I think a family is like a car.
- What model car?
- Any model.
A Chevrolet, for example.
You can wax it,
or you can let it stay dirty.
To me, a family is like a plant.
You give it water, and you hope
you didn't get a weed.
Good. Very good.
Now, who here is afraid
of their family?
Jerry: Don't be afraid.
Anybody?
I'm afraid
my wife's gonna get drunk
and embarrass me
in public again.
- If that's what you mean.
- That is.
That's exactly what I mean.
I'm afraid!
We used to live
on a very nice Air Force base.
Jim wore an attractive uniform.
I used to shop
at the commissary,
got 15% off of everything!
Now we're broke!
And he's terrified
to just go swimming!
- You're exaggerating.
- Okay, he's scared.
And his insecurities
are going to get him
kicked out of college!
Aurelie hates me!
It's not my fault
that you have split ends!
It's more than split ends!
Is it true, Ariole, that you
blame your mother for your hair?
Whose idea was it to go to
Barry's Beauty School?
I want to share with you
a saying I came across recently.
Quote...
"No family is normal
like every other family."
See there?
We're just like everybody else.
(PA system echoes)
Attention!
Librarian:
This is your school librarian!
Now, what I have here
in my hand is an announcement
about a upcoming Halley's Comet
Poetry Reading Contest.
I'll read it out...
(clears throat)
Calling all young people
with a poetic spirit!
Librarian: This contest
was initiated in our town
ten years ago
under Mrs. Florence Jacks,
a local Mark Twain scholar
and aficionado.
As in past years, the cash prize
will be 75 dollars.
Librarian: The same age
as Mark Twain when he died
upon the passing
of Halley's Comet.
All students eligible
to compete,
and parents are encouraged
to attend.
Thank you.
This is the end
of the daily announcements!
Did you all hear that?
$75 for reading a poem?
Like my husband would say,
"It's better than
a poke in the eye."
Mrs. Tripp: Am I right?
I'm gonna put
a sign-up sheet later.
Outside.
But by a show of hands...
Can you tell me in here,
who would be interested?
Two?
Two, three...?
That's it, I am...
Put your hands down.
75 dollars.
For reading a poem?
No.
Kelly's gonna be in it.
Her sister won last year,
now it's her turn.
I thought it was a competition.
It's competition,
but she's gonna win.
If you want to be her friend,
don't sign up.
I'm not her friend.
You wanna lose your chance?
You could be one day.
Okay, I won't do it.
Aurelie.
Do you wanna know
what's wrong with you?
You're chicken-shit.
Mrs. Tripp: 75 dollars?
So...
Re-think that.
In 1787 I'm told our
founding fathers did agree
To write a list of principles
for keeping people free
The U. S. A. was
just starting out
A whole brand-new country
And so our people spelled it out
the things that we should be
And they put those principles
down on paper
and called it
The Constitution
And it's been helping us run
our country ever since then
The first part
of The Constitution is called
"The Preamble"
And tells what those founding
fathers set out to do
We, the people, in order
to form a more perfect union
Establish justice,
insure domestic tranquility
Provide for
the common defense
Promote the general welfare
And
Secure the blessings
of Liberty to ourselves
And our Posterity
Do ordain and establish
this Constitution
For the United States of...
(sound of breaking plastic)
Don't just stand around.
Help.
Are we gonna talk about sex?
How do I know
you'll give me five bucks?
I'm good for it.
You know...
if you lost your poodle head...
I like you for your personality.
Thanks.
Okay, I'll kiss you
with the masks on.
Okay.
Wanna see my wiener?
Absolutely not! Yuck!
Why not?
He looks like E. T.
Everybody loves E. T.
E. T. is scary.
No, he's not, E. T.'s friendly.
He just wants to make friends
and phone calls.
Do you always
call your wiener, "He"?
A lot of guys do it.
My brother calls
his "The Big Meatloaf."
I don't believe you.
(sighs)
Jeanne...
Just follow through,
keep your eye on the birdie.
- Jim: Ah!
- Hey!
No slamming allowed!
According to what rule book?
According to the
"If You Want Me to Play" book.
Jim,
did you ever think about using
the step-by-step method
for swimming?
This girl at my work,
her grandfather was in WW Il.
He had big problems back then
because the Gazpacho
kept trying to kill him...
Gestapo, not Gazpacho.
- Stop correcting me!
- Gazpacho's a soup.
A Spanish soup,
we had it on Air Force One.
Anyway, try to follow me.
It's delicious.
The war taught him
how to fight back.
Up here.
When he was 104 years old,
the doctors told him
he would never walk again.
He went out,
he got a little chair.
He took one step,
he got tired, he rested.
He took another step,
maybe two this time.
He sat and rested.
He walked great like that
until he was 108!
And that's when he died.
Poor him.
I fail to see the point.
Are you even listening?
I'm trying to encourage to use
your will power!
Maybe that story will inspire
you to conquer your fears!
You know what?
If I want Einstein,
I'll call him on the phone.
Why is it a bad idea?
Jeanne: Do it...
step by step.
I'll go to the pool with you!
I'll be your moral support!
Absolutely not!
I don't need anyone
to hold my hand!
Instructor:
All right, that's good.
Let's pick up the pace.
All right. Good form. Good form.
Okay.
You wait and watch up there.
You're gonna see a lot more
than just breast stroke.
You want me to just sit
and watch your lesson?
Yeah, why not?
Haven't you ever heard
of moral support?
You could be my number one fan.
My mascot.
(men chatting)
(whistle blowing)
Damn it!
Damn it, damn it, damn it!
(Jim screams)
Janitor: Hey!
You can't beat on lockers!
It causes dents,
and dents look like crap!
TV narrator: The Equal Rights
Amendment died this year
has marked the end
of a 10-year battle...
- Did he take his hair off?
- Not that I saw.
I can't figure out
why he didn't take me along.
Aurelie, you never buy
lemonade at a restaurant, right?
You just ask for extra lemon
wedges and sugar packets.
I don't appreciate
you talking about me.
I have excellent hearing.
Am I the only one
in this house who knows
how to put away dishes?
Dad, why don't you be a lawyer?
Then you could go
to a different college,
and get your degree faster.
Why?
Medicine doesn't take that long.
What about residency?
Residency?
Residency is a
four-year, post-graduate
program that is optional.
It's mostly for foreigners.
Last time I checked,
I speak English.
(chuckles)
Jim: I am not on the slow bus!
Oh, no. I benefit
from the American rules!
Jim, just because
you have a bad day,
don't take it out
on these beautiful cabinets!
I plan on stenciling them.
I'm not bothering
your stenciling.
And don't blame it on my day.
I didn't have a bad day.
Yes, you did!
I was there, remember?
When we left the pool,
you were in a horrible mood!
You, enough!
Enough!
I am a child,
and you are the adult.
Jim: I am the adult!
I am the adult,
and you are the child,
so, just shut the hell up!
See, Aurelie?
He can't control himself!
You are a donkey's ass!
And I'm not putting up
with it anymore!
You're always finding a reason
to quit because you...
You don't have the mind of a winner!
Jeanne: Or the hair of a winner!
Jim: What?
I am too a winner!
I'm a winner!
You and the Methodists
can kiss my rosy red!
Jeanne: Hey!
We wasted 20 years of our life,
and he never even
got a promotion!
All you can do is...
slam cabinets!
If you don't wanna love me,
I'll find another man who will!
Hah, hah!
And I get free art classes!
Jeanne: (screaming)
I wanna be an artist!
I wanna be an artist!
- I wanna be an artist!
- Yes, yes!
- I wanna be an artist.
- Yes, yes...
- Stop!
- Wait, wait, wait!
You are!
Mom, wait,
what are you doing? Mom!
Jerry: Wait, wait, wait.
Okay, you're free! You're free!
- Free!
- (Jerry chuckles)
- Jerry: Wonderful!
- Jeanne: Art, art!
(both laughing)
It's my pig!
I don't care
if my dad gets mad!
How much is it?
Looks about 10 bucks.
Maybe 12.
Twelve bucks?
My dad put twelve bucks
in the pig for my college fund?
Hey, wait!
Come on! Wait up!
I got your twelve bucks,
it's better than nothing!
Brett: Hey!
At least he don't beat you
with a bat.
You should see my daddy.
Your dad beats you with a bat?
He does my brother.
Sure, when he's got a few
Buds in him, he's a maniac!
Oh, no.
Is that Kelly Keester?
Oh, crap!
Hey baby, what's up?
Are you cheating on me
with that stupid,
pubic-hair turd face?
- (dog barking)
- Huh?
That's nuckin' futs!
I don't even know her.
Brett: I've never even
talked to that girl before!
You're a damn liar!
Shouldn't you calm Chunky down?
He's feeling my feelings!
You said you loved me!
I do, baby...
Kelly, I'm so sorry, I had
no idea he was your boyfriend.
I had no idea.
I'm gonna go home now, okay?
Aurelie: Bye!
(barking continues)
(laughing)
- How do you feel?
- I tried to open my blowhole.
I think you may have succeeded!
(more laughter)
Oh, you have no idea
how happy I am!
- How much this means to me.
- Jeanne: Really?
You make me feel
like a teenager!
Me too!
I think you should just
move in over here.
You're lonely.
I'm lonely, too.
Why do you think I do family
therapy?
Maybe you're right.
I never really thought of myself
as a radical woman...
Yes!
You have a definite radical
aspect to your personality.
- That's for sure.
- Thank you!
And very nice breasts!
Excuse me?
I...
If you'd like, I could just
say that to myself silently.
I think that might be best.
I have a present for you.
These are real
sperm whale teeth.
Oh, he has a cavity!
(chuckles)
Jeanne: I'm gonna make earrings
out of them.
Jerry: That's great.
Did you ask Mom
to come back yet?
Hell, no.
Why not?
She should know
how to do the right thing.
(Jeanne and Jerry laughing)
You know what
your mother's problem is?
She doesn't know jack-all
about how the world works.
You wanna
know how things go down?
I'll tell you.
We were flying back
from the ranch in California...
Reagan asks for a steak.
Medium rare.
So, I go to the back,
I look in the freezer.
No steaks.
What I thought was a steak...
was a pork chop.
Somebody screwed up, not me.
It's not my job
to stock the freezer.
But it's my job...
to double-check.
People say there's
no such thing as bad luck.
It's not true.
Snap your fingers,
and you're screwed.
Yeah, but...
I wish you'd ask her
to come back.
We're a family.
- Don't just give up.
- Aren't you giving up?
Should I go back
to karate class?
I think adolescence
is like an old western.
Sometimes you realize
you're surrounded...
and you just got to
shoot your way out.
(school bell ringing)
I thought
you were scared of Kelly.
I am,
but I'm doing it anyway.
- What about you?
- Nope.
Black kids don't win contests.
Not when the judges are white.
Well, you wanna come
watch me compete?
- It's Monday, 5th period.
- Can't.
That's when they stick me
with the retards.
But you're not retarded.
Jeanne...
You want chicken?
Take it "to go."
I'm sorry.
You're sorry?
Don't move in
with that guy next door.
I have my flaws,
but I am a real man.
You can't resent me
'cause I don't like whale calls.
I highly respect
your love of whales...
and dolphins and gorillas.
It's not the whales.
He's an artist.
Maybe I'm an artist.
But I'm the one who loves you.
Doesn't feel like you love me.
All I feel is like I'm ignored.
Listen, I've been thinking...
Aurelie's going back to karate.
What if it something that
we all did together?
You know, a together thing.
You think karate
is a together thing?
I absolutely do.
Jim: Great block!
Great form!
Jeanne: Come on,
it's not that great.
Yes, it's beautiful.
You're laying it on
a little thick.
You said you didn't feel loved,
and I want you to feel
like I love you.
I'll do whatever you want.
You name it.
I want to go back to therapy!
(coughs)
Thank you for meeting us
on short notice.
That's fine.
I often invite
troubled individuals
to come to
these impromptu sessions.
Hey, who you calling
"troubled", man?
Jim! We're here for help!
This is a couples
counseling session!
Drug addict: It is?
I'm here to talk about
Ty-ty's pill-popping.
That's fine, too.
And in these smaller groups,
I like to create a space.
A space to have sex
with my wife?
Jim, you're starting
to make me angry!
You're not even trying!
Fine. Fine.
Ty-ty is mean when he's high!
I just had to get that
off my chest.
Good, good.
And since this is
a space where people
say what they need to say
to each other,
and you seem to be
pretty agitated, Jeannie...
Maybe you should
get the ball rolling.
Jeanne: Okay.
Jerry, you're very nice.
And I love that
you see me as an artist.
But when you suddenly
start talking about...
somebody's breasts...
they might start thinking
you're a dirty old man.
Jeannie,
I'm your therapist here.
We can discuss this in private.
I don't care
to be together privately.
And Jim...
What I want to say to you is...
I'm a free spirit.
My spirit wants to be free,
and creative!
Jim, if you want
to stay married to me...
you need to see me as I am.
I'm a little bit...
outside of everything.
I don't want to be
outside with you too.
I wanted you to be
interested in me!
Genuinely interested.
But you never were.
Jeanne...
If you were a magazine...
I would buy a subscription.
What does that mean?
It means that I did not
always buy a subscription
in the past, Jerry.
I would go to the newsstand.
Sometimes I would buy an issue.
But sometimes...
I would not.
And by God,
I wanna be a subscriber!
I almost lost
this wonderful magazine
and I realize now...
that I love it!
And I wanna read
every article, Jerry!
Every article!
Cover to cover!
Think about the bullies!
Think about them!
Isn't it a little early
for her to spar?
No, you're supposed to do that,
even on the first day.
Does that mean
you and me could do it?
If you wanted to.
Absolutely, we could.
Cat stance!
Don't forget your cat stance.
Cat stance!
All right, Orala, here we go.
Show him it's not just
a little girl he's messing with.
Okay, go in there and kick.
- Instructor: Good!
- Jim: Nice!
Oh, good kick, yeah!
Block it, block it!
Instructor: That's it.
Kick, Orala, kick!
(crowd groans)
Match goes to Sam.
Orala, next time
you just got to kick more!
You don't show what
you're made of, you know?
- Aurelie: Mm-Hmm.
- Are you feeling ok?
You just got to kick
a little more, okay?
Kick like a cat!
(karate noise)
Are all of you here?
And did you all get your numbers
from your home room?
Here, let's see one.
Six, five, eight, nine, ten...
Where's 14?
I thought I had 14 kids,
where's Lydia Johnson?
She's coming.
Oh, good, good...
Now, that is the order
in which we'll be calling you.
So, when it's your turn,
I will find you here,
and then I'm gonna
lead you to the "go" position,
where you all need
to listen carefully...
for your chime, all right?
Also, I want to point out to you
that our judge and patron,
Mrs. Florence Jacks,
she's sitting right out there
in the very front row!
So, smile big and do
your very best, all right?
(gasps) Isn't that wonderful!
Do you remember
what the SH sound is?
What sound does that make?
Sh...
Shit.
Let's not curse.
Okay.
Remember like
when we want to be quiet?
What nice words start with SH?
Sh...
Shit!
You don't want to be
held back again, do you?
What sound does a teapot make?
(knocking on door)
Excuse me?
Lydia Johnson is needed
in the principal's office.
For what?
You're in trouble, I guess.
- Who wrote this?
- Beats me.
I'm supposed to take Lydia
to the principal's office.
What the hell? What did I do?
Aurelie: Nothing.
Here, I brought you a folder.
It's for the poetry competition.
I signed you up.
What?
Well, unsign me up!
I'm not doing
that damn poetry competition!
Look, all you have to do
is read the poem!
Don't you wanna do that
instead of going back
to the retard class?
Maybe you'll win!
You think I could win?
How am I gonna win?
Just read the poem.
You might be really good at it.
Aurelie: Come on,
we have no time.
Come on.
How'd you choose this poem?
"I am a woman,
sick for passion."
You think I'm gonna read this?
Yes, my lady. No, my lady...
This is ridiculous!
I thought it was romantic.
Where's one and two?
Oh, Kelly, you're gonna be
number one, all right?
Now, in exactly five minutes,
we are gonna start!
So, anybody has to pee,
you better do it now!
I didn't have to pee
until she said that.
You're nervous, just hold it!
I can't! Here...
Aurelie: Take my bag
and my folder.
And I'll be back.
(sound of Aurelie peeing)
We done told you not to enter
this poetry competition!
You're not the boss of me.
Oh, yeah? Come on out,
and we'll see who's boss.
(applause)
Audience member:
Come on, Kelly!
(crowd cheering on Kelly)
I just wanna say,
I love Mark Twain!
He's my favorite famous person.
I think he was such a genius.
So, I chose a poem by him...
Isn't that the bully girl?
I think so.
...did young Stephen sicken,
and did young Stephen die?
And did the sad hearts thicken,
and did the mourners cry?
- Isn't she doing good?
- She is doing so good.
She's precious...
...impaired the sacred name
Of Stephen Dowling Botes...
Bots.
Thank you.
Come on, Oral,
you chicken or something?
Mary John!
Excuse me!
Why are you not
at the assembly?
I was using the bathroom.
I'm on my way, Mrs. Tripp!
Hey, Mary John,
did you forget your brush?
Get to the assembly!
Mary John, you stay right here,
I need to talk to you
about your mathematics grade.
I thought you knew your math
better than that.
(sound of peeing)
Have you been working
with your tutor?
Your mother told me
you were working with the tutor,
Mary John!
If I run real fast,
I probably can make it.
Go ahead and try, Oral.
Do you want
to fight me instead?
- You wanna fight me?
- Aurelie: No.
But I'm not gonna run anymore.
You wanna fight, go ahead.
"Stopping by Woods
on a Snowy Evening"
by Robert Frost
Whose woods these are
I think I know
His house is in
the village though...
He will not see me...
You're lucky
I don't wanna mess my hair up.
Or I'd beat you up
some more right now.
Wait!
What the hell
is that crazy thing?
I dare you.
He gives
his harness bells a shake
To ask if there...
I bet Aurelie
can beat these girls.
I can't believe it.
You never hold my hand.
That was the old me.
This is the new.
(grunting)
"Casey at the Bat"
by Ernest L. Thayer.
The outlook wasn't brilliant
for the Mudville nine that day,
The score stood four to two,
but with one inning
more to play.
And then when Cooney
died at first,
and Barrows did the same...
Where's 13 and 14?
13 and 14, we're ready for you!
Where...?
Where's Orila?
I think she went
to the bathroom,
I'll just go get her...
No, Greta,
we have an audience out there,
somebody has to go on!
But I'm scared!
You'll be okay, Lydia.
You're gonna be lucky number 13!
Lucky number!
I'm gonna go
raise the mike for you.
Come on, Lydia, you can do this.
Just show Mrs. Jacks
what you got.
It's almost over,
where's Aurelie?
(applause)
Birds...
flying high...
You know how I feel...
Sun...
in the sky...
You know how I feel...
Lydia: It's a new dawn...
(heavy breathing)
It is a new day...
It's a new life for me...
Fish...
in the sea...
You know how I feel...
Rivers running free...
You know how I feel...
Blossoms...
on the trees...
You know how I feel...
It's a new dawn.
It's a new day.
It's a new life for me.
And I'm feeling good.
And this old world
is a new world,
and a bold world for me.
(Aurelia screams)
And now Mrs. Florence Jacks...
I shall now read the winners.
My decision is irrevocable.
You're lucky I don't wanna
mess up my hair right now.
Or I'd beat you up some more.
Mrs. Jacks: Third place...
Petey McMichaels, 25 dollars!
Second place...
Kelly Keester, 50 dollars!
Miss Kelly Keester,
50 dollars,
United States Savings Bond!
Kelly Keester!
Second place is very good.
First place with
complete originality
like Mark Twain...
Lydia Johnson!
(Aurelie)
Yes! Yes, yes, yes!
(applause)
75 dollars!
Yeah, louder! Come on!
Yes, yes, yes, Lydia!
Aurelie: Yes, Lydia!
Thank you!
This is the end of our assembly!
Aurelie: Yes! (cheers)
Lydia, you did it!
I can't believe it's 75 bucks!
You think
I'm gonna give you my money?
- No.
- See, you don't know me.
I'll let you have some.
Go fix your hair
if you hate yourself,
and you're so desperate.
But I think it looks okay.
I don't care
about my hair anymore.
You keep it.
You earned it!
What are you doing?
Aurelie: What are you doing?
I don't care
what the honkies are gonna say!
Yeah!
Those honkies can kiss my ass!
(both laughing)
You look beautiful.
(sound of hair dryer)
You don't have
hair like that.
You'll never have
hair like that.
Maybe you're good-looking...
and maybe you're not.
But you're still alive.
(Aurelie and Jeanne cheering)
Jeanne: You can do it!
- Yes! Come on!
- (Jeanne screams)
You can do it, Jim!
- Aurelie: Come on, Dad, jump!
- Yes, yes!
(women continue screaming)
Come on, Dad, dump it!
Throw it away!
Come on, Dad!
(both screaming and cheering)
(Jim screaming)
(gasps)
Jeanne: You did it!
Look at your beautiful
bald head!
You look like a dolphin.
(chuckling)
Jeanne: Oh!
(all laughing)
Jeanne: Come on, flipper.
(all cheering)
Aurelie: We did it!
Aurelie: I love you guys.
(whales calling)
(music playing)
(whale calls)
Girl 1: It's called "Sun-In".
You spray it on,
lay out in the sun,
and it makes
your blonde come out.
Girl 2: I heard
it makes your hair orange.
Girl 1: No, not really.
Maybe sometimes,
but not really.
Forget "Sun-In",
I'm gonna use lemons.
Girl 1: This is loads better
than some damn lemons!
I paid good money for it!
(birds chirping)
Who the hell are you?
(scoffs)
Aurelie: Mom?
Mom?
Mom.
- Jeanne: Ow!
- Can I get a permanent?
You mean a body wave?
No.
Why not?
'Cause I bet
it's a big waste of money.
And you're stuck
taking care of it every day.
I went to a beauty salon once.
The lady said,
"Jeanne, you want split ends?"
That's because your hair's thin.
Aurelie: Mine's thick.
A permanent
makes you hair hold curls.
- And you can feather it.
- Really?
I don't know why you spend
so much time
trying to be beautiful!
Just be realistic.
You'll probably
turn out just cute.
Aurelie:
What kind of mother says that?
That's not normal.
You want me to tell you the truth,
or you want me to lie?
I didn't say you were ugly.
I said you were cute.
Cute is very high on the scale!
Just cute?
You're supposed to encourage me.
You don't need encouragement
in the vanity area.
Beauty is a lot of work!
I was always just cute
and it worked out just fine for me.
It's less pressure,
and loads better!
Jim: You like that picture?
- You've got a great smile.
- Ah, thanks.
Yeah...
Not bad for your old dad.
(Jim chuckles)
Hey, did you ever see this pen?
It's got
Gerald Ford's signature on it.
He gave it to me himself.
I'm gonna hold on to this
until you turn 18.
You know what's another
part of your inheritance?
Jim:
Something I picked up in Brazil.
You know what
I do sometimes
when I've got a little
extra pocket change?
- Put it in the pig?
- Put it in the pig. Exactly.
That way,
when you go off to college,
you'll break it open...
You get to keep all the money.
Dad...
Can I get a permanent?
What?
Why do you want one of those?
Because I'm ugly and
I feel bad about myself.
- Come on.
- I have to be the new girl,
and everyone else
looks like Farrah Fawcett.
Farrah Fawcett?
Who names
their daughter "Farrah"?
Unless, of course,
you're Egyptian.
Dad, haven't you heard
of "Charlie's Angels"?
- They're on TV.
- No kidding, they're on TV.
Yes, one is blonde,
one is brunette,
they go on missions.
What does that have to do with you?
And you're not ugly.
You're a very attractive
young lady.
Can I get one anyway?
Please?
- Don't you want me to be...?
- Jim: Eh!
- Don't you want me...?
- Jim: Eh!
- Aurelie: Gorgeous?
- Eh!
Barry:
You may or may not know,
I'm very good friends
with Miss Dolly Parton.
What people don't know
about Miss Dolly Parton
is she's plagued
by combination skin.
And Miss Dolly Parton also has
what I like to call
the "sub T-zone".
And that's acne with pimples
that occurs
in the bosom region.
Is this a salon?
It's the same thing.
The whiteheads
and the blackheads
are just running wild
up here
in what we call "the T-zone."
This is your T-zone right here.
Wait, it says "Beauty School".
They're students!
We can't waste $40
on some fancy place.
We can't afford a beauty salon.
We all have to tighten
our belts.
Damn it, Jeanne,
why even bring it up?
Jim! You said
you'd talk nice to me!
- Keep your word!
- I am keeping my word!
- Then don't say, "Damn it"!
- Okay.
...and gently press
from either side like so,
and you might even
prick it with a hot needle.
Jim: Do you want to go home,
or do you want to get your hair done?
Jim: If all you're gonna do is complain
then we can just forget about it.
Jeanne: If you ask me
she doesn't need a permanent.
Jeanne: She hasn't been
very good this week. She's sassed.
- Jim: What?
- Aurelie: Come on, please.
- Jim: Jeanne...
- Jeanne: Well?
Jim: Okay.
Come on.
Just pull it,
pinch it, pop it,
and let me show you why.
Here you'll notice
that the whitehead
is just filled with oozy puss.
Barry:
That oozy puss is...
- Hairdresser: Hey, Come on in.
- Barry:...you just pull
and pop.
Or squeeze and pop.
Barry: But be sure...
- What are looking to get done?
- Jeanne: A permanent.
Have you done
one of those before?
Hairdresser: Lord, yes.
Absolutely, yes, ma'am!
I have done several perms
and they turned out just fine.
That's great!
See, Aurelie?
Are you a professional?
Five more weeks.
Yes, I am.
O- ray-lie?
That's your name?
It's French.
Really?
So, do ya'll speak French?
No, just English.
Well, her name was
supposed to be Angie.
Then, right when
I was about to have her,
I ran into this French nurse.
She talked me into Aurelie...
At the time,
I liked that it wasn't
just the same old thing.
Yeah, well,
that's real interesting.
Hairdresser:
So, do ya'll want small ones?
- Um...
- Small equals a tighter curl.
I want ringlets, really soft
and natural looking.
The kind I can blow dry
and brush through, to wings.
Yeah, right!
We wanna get our money's worth.
We don't want to spend
20 whole dollars,
and have it all
just fall out right away.
Hmm.
You need help
with anything, hon?
Nope.
Nope, I'm good.
Just looking,
my wife likes these.
Just checking out the styles?
- Yeah.
- Maylene: Sure.
My name's Maylene.
You just give a holler
if you need anything.
How much you sell them for?
Which one?
Your cheapest model?
That little blondie in the
corner's just 38 bucks.
You wanna see it?
You sell just the heads?
The heads?
You mean you just wanna
buy the form? The head part?
Maylene: The wig form,
I think it's called.
That's what I'm saying. Right.
Maylene: Gosh, I don't know!
Let me go and check.
That's really not necessary...
Barry:...that beauty is
on the inside, and I say that is
a load of horseshit. However,
what you put into your body
is just as important...
Maylene: I'm so sorry.
That man over there
wants to buy a wig form.
What's he want to buy
a wig form for?
I don't know,
what should I do?
Sell him the damn wig form,
Maylene.
$6.99, that's a 100% mark-up.
- $6.99.
- Give him a bag for it.
Okay.
Barry:
...the T-zone is like
the Bermuda Triangle
of skin care,
good skin
just disappears up there
to never be seen
or heard from again.
(alarm clock ringing)
Hairdresser: Came out
good and curly, didn't it?
What do you think, Aurelie?
Do you like it?
Sure she does!
Yep, in a few days,
it's gonna relax.
Perm's gonna relax on you,
whether you want it to or not.
I thought you wanted it curly.
It's dramatic.
Yeah, but...
She's just startled
by the change.
Sometimes it's a shock
when we make a big, bold move.
- Hairdresser: Hey, Barry!
- Barry: What?
Come check out this permanent
I just done did.
Study your final exam
material, I'll be right back.
Ah, that looks good!
That's good!
That looks real, real good.
- It does, doesn't it?
- You did a good job...
Come here just one second...
Barry: How long did you
leave that on her for?
Hairdresser: 45, I think.
My doggone timer broke.
Her hair looks like
it's having a stroke.
Did it come out too strong?
No, not at all. Heavens, no!
That looks real good.
Besides, that's gonna relax.
- Honey, it's good.
- What do you think, Jim?
Hairdresser:
Don't you think it looks nice?
Do you like it?
Yes, I do.
It looks very attractive...
And probably practical,
very easy to take care of.
Know what, if you ask me,
she looks like a movie star!
Wait, ah...
Barbara...
Treeland.
You know? Streeland!
- Streisand.
- Like Sonny and Cher.
Or like Captain & Tennille.
Like a captain.
When exactly
is it going to relax?
This could be...
soon.
Barry: Real, real soon.
Aurelie:
Dad, why are you going so fast?
You're young and healthy.
What's the problem?
Why'd we have to park
so far away?
I don't need to park
where everyone else parks.
Exercise is good for you.
That was standard military pace.
I'm not in the military!
Why are you so uptight?
I've already had
a hard enough day.
(chuckles) I'm not uptight.
And why have you had a hard day?
I think people
are looking at me.
People?
What people?
Maybe they're jealous.
Oh, hey, you see there?
She wishes she had your hair.
Did you see her eyes?
You really thinks
she wants my hair?
Definitely.
Listen, they said
it was gonna relax. It just...
Well, it hasn't relaxed yet,
hon. So, you can't judge.
Jim: And I am also relaxed.
Very, extremely relaxed.
(Jim sighs)
Dean: So...
What's Reagan like?
Oh, great sense of humor.
Doesn't always
remember your name though.
Um...
And Nancy?
Oh...
(both laugh)
Jim: No, she's fine.
It was time to wrap up
that career and follow my dream.
So, I am very grateful
for your financial assistance.
Your scholarship
means a great deal to me.
Now, I noticed here
that it says I'm required to do
two quarters of "natation"?
Um, that's swimming.
Correct.
Yeah.
And what does that
have to do with pre-med?
Oh, it's just
one of those old rules.
We started as a religious college,
and...
we're still
quite a bit Methodist.
What about jogging?
I'm much better at jogging
than I am at swimming.
Well, a quarter of jogging
is also required.
We are very strict about it.
But have no fear,
everyone can learn to float.
Dean: After that, you just swim.
Breast stroke,
back stroke, butterfly,
and dive off the high board.
Sure.
I already know how to float.
I swim like a seal.
Well, good.
So, then I don't think
you have anything
to worry about...
(heartbeat drowning out
Dean's voice)
Aurelie: Dad!
You're gonna swim, right?
Is it your hair?
Is it that you're afraid
it'll fall off?
No.
It's not.
Well, I liked seeing you
on campus.
You looked really smart.
Jim: Really?
Well, I guess that's better
than thinking,
"My dad was too dumb
to get into college.
He just sat around on
his ass, picking his nose,
and was a total imbecile."
We're both turning over
a new leaf.
(string music from TV)
Narrator:
Dolphins communicate
with members
of their family pod
through a variety of
individualized
whistles and clicks,
using nasal air sacs located
in the lower left
of the blowhole.
Surprisingly, Dolphins breathe
through their blowhole,
located at the top
of their head.
(moaning)
I love dolphins so much.
I don't feel like this
about any other animal.
Except maybe gorillas.
(dolphin sounds)
Jeanne: I don't know
why I feel so drawn to them.
Hard to say.
Oh...
I'd love to touch one.
I bet it's all
slick and slickery!
I wonder if I'd be scared?
Not if you practiced.
How do I practice
touching a dolphin?
You could use Jell-O.
Stroke the Jell-O.
- Well?
- You...
(Jeanne groans)
Come on, I'm not
overly interested in dolphins,
is that a crime?
Aurelie, did you take
my butter dish?
I'll bring it right back!
- I want my dish back!
- I need it!
Jim, do something!
She took my butter dish!
This is adding stress
to my evening.
How would you feel
if she took your comb?
Aurelie, open up!
My butter dish
stays in the kitchen,
so I can eat corn!
We already ate corn!
(Jeanne sighs)
Hey, just don't take
your mother's butter, hon.
We can buy you
your own butter, okay?
Why did you put butter
in your hair?
That beauty student needs
to go work in a damn kennel!
She made me look
like a damn dog!
And now I have to go
make friends like this!
No cursing!
The lady said it's temporary.
I told you.
"Damn it" is contagious.
Putting Land O'Lakes in
your hair is not a good idea.
It's not smart.
The stuff's going to curdle.
- I can't even comb it!
- Okay, okay...
All right, what are we gonna do?
Let's put our heads together.
She's just nervous cause tomorrow's
her first day of school.
We've got to get
a comb through it.
We need a...
What's it called?
A pick!
A pick would be great!
A pick would get through it.
- A pick. You want a pick, hon?
- What's a pick?
You're gonna love it!
You're weird.
You are so weird.
Are you new?
What's wrong with your head?
I got a permanent.
You did it that way on purpose?
Yeah, I like it.
Plus, it's really easy
to take care of.
And I like being over dramatic.
Hey, hurry up!
Bus is leaving!
(kids chatting)
(laughter)
Hey, that girl's got an afro!
(laughter)
What you do?
Stick your finger
in the light socket?
(laughter continues)
Ronald McDonald head!
- What's your name?
- Don't sit too close!
Boy: She's part black!
Blacks sit together!
(laughter)
- Hey, black dog!
- Who you calling black dog?
Not you, Lydia. Her!
I was calling her a black dog!
(more laughter)
I just call her a giant.
Her name's Lydia.
She's retarded.
She flunks school!
I don't even think
she takes a bath.
I take a bath! I'll kick
your ass, stink cracker!
(collective groan,
followed by laughter)
Why do they hate us so much?
What do you mean, "us"?
I'm gonna kill those honkies!
Aurelie: They hate our hair,
right? Because it's different.
I don't care about your hair,
you dumbass!
Don't talk to me
about your stupid head
that has nothing to do with me!
If you want,
I'll be your friend.
Hell, no!
You didn't come over here
cause you wanted to sit by me.
You're just desperate!
- Boy: Let me see your bag.
- Aurelie: What are you doing?
- Boy: Looky, looky.
- Aurelie: Give it back!
Boy: Come and get it
you curly-haired dog!
(school bell rings)
Aura...
Aurel...
Oral, Oral...
Aurahlee Dixon?
Oral sex?
Excuse me, Ray!
We do not say dirty expressions
in this classroom.
Would you like it
if your parents heard
what you just said?
Now, how do you
pronounce your name?
Aurelie.
Auralie, Auralie...
That was oral.
Sexy dog dong.
(chuckles)
Teacher:
That's not funny, Kelly!
It wasn't me.
I had something in my throat.
Well, I hope you all notice
that you should be
especially courteous to me
this year in class
because I am pregnant.
Very pregnant.
And I am focused
on the pink and the blue,
like those cute little booties.
And I am in no mood
for sassers!
Your family
just moved here, Aurelie?
Yes, we used to live in
Washington, D. C.
on an Air Force base.
Really?
Your father a pilot?
Sort of. He was called
a flight steward.
Now he's going to college
to be a doctor!
Probably a brain specialist.
You don't say?
That is fascinating!
Stop it!
I'm watching you!
I don't like your attitude!
Stop it with that gum chewing.
I can hear you
from out in the hallway.
My baby can hear you,
and it's driving my baby crazy.
Well, she's off to school.
Jeanne: Sink or swim.
Hi.
Hi there.
What are you looking at?
Jeanne: You. Only in a good way.
You know, Jim...
You might be over 40,
but you're still good-looking.
Oh, really?
Thanks a bucket.
It's true, a lot of men
go over the hill, but not you.
Don't you wanna kiss me?
Well...
Hon, I'm just getting ready
to start my day.
Let's not forget that
I'm taking college-level algebra
when my last class
was high school math.
Needless to say,
I've got some studying to do.
Jim, I think you have
a low sex drive.
No, I have excellent sex drive.
Then there's
something wrong with me
because you have
a low level of interest.
Maybe your level is too high,
ever think of that?
No!
I'm normal!
You're too uptight
to ever have any fun.
I have fun!
Lots and lots of fun events.
Endless amounts.
Maybe it's just that
you've got lousy timing...
When you have nothing to do,
and I have extra time
before work!
(laughs)
Sex is free!
Jeanne, I just put on
my hairpiece.
The glue irritates my scalp,
I don't wanna have
to take it off.
Just lay down with it on!
No, I'm not going to ruin it
because of your urges.
This is
a very expensive hairpiece.
Okay, and it's hot.
So, my head is probably
too sweaty for the adhesive
to work properly again.
But fine.
You want me to do it?
Okay, here we go.
Come and get me.
Jim: Now is your chance.
You're not making this
appetizing.
Jim: See? Even now,
all you do is complain.
I am sitting down
in the appropriate position.
The equipment is available.
My treasures are on display,
as you can see.
I'm not gonna just come up
and grab it and snatch it!
I'm not a dog.
You treat me
like a dirty old woman.
You're calling
yourself that, not me...
A pervert!
When anyone else would think
I have normal, sexual desires!
(sighs)
George Washington, John Adams,
Thomas Jefferson,
James Madison, James Monroe,
and John Quincy Adams...
I memorized them all one night
when it was raining.
Well, good!
That is real good.
Now, who can tell me
the three most important
systems of the human body?
Aurelie.
Um, skeletal, muscular
and circulatory.
Well, that is right.
That is absolutely right,
I can tell your daddy
is in medical school.
And who knows what
the word "onomatopoeia" is?
For example, the word "plop"?
It looks like Aurelie
is the only one...
Again.
Boy: (whispering)
Shut up.
Maybe I should go
to a different school.
Everybody hates me.
Sure, if you wanna be a quitter.
In my opinion, you should be
proud of your intelligence!
You try and please
all the dipshits of the world,
you'll end up
on an escalator going down.
Who knows, you might be
the first woman president.
Those jackasses
would be glad to have you
in the Back-of-the-Class Club.
Dad, you're hilarious.
"Back-of-the-Class" Club?
There is
no Back-of-the-Class Club!
I'm trying to talk to you
like an adult.
Back-of-the-Class Club,
Smoking-Dope Club,
Running-Around-No-Good Gang...
It's all the same!
Hey, you don't think
I'd rather be 18 or 19,
and just starting college, huh?
I had the intelligence,
but I did not have good advice.
Is that why you became
a flight steward
instead of a pilot?
Who said I wanted
to be a pilot, huh?
Pilots don't have it so good.
They're stuck in the cockpit
the whole time.
Who gets to talk
to the diplomats?
Now, what do you think?
- Aurelie: Think of what?
- Jim: My swimming.
- Your head's above water.
- Lots of people swim like this.
Bad swimmers, for example.
Bad swimmers?
Dad, you have to be a good
swimmer, this is college.
You're gonna get an F.
I know what I'm doing.
It's called the breast stroke.
Your head's still above water.
(Jeanne sighs)
My feet are killing me.
Who wants to give me a massage?
How much will you pay?
Do I ask you to pay me every time
I do something nice for you?
How about nothing?
When do you do
nice things for me?
All the time.
Food.
Jim: Ah, great!
You ever heard of this?
"How to Make Friends
and Influence People."
No.
Very popular book.
Very successful.
She's not gonna like
that book.
Jim: Yes, she is!
- It looks 100 years old.
- It's from the 1950s,
and it's very popular
because it works.
You read this, and those bullies
will leave you alone.
It teaches you
how to flatter them.
Flatter them?
You think that's gonna work?
It's worked
for millions of other people.
It worked for people
who are starving,
people who have to sell
products on one leg.
Why not you?
(sound of doorbell)
- Is that our doorbell?
- Get that.
- Why do I have to get it?
- I smell like chicken.
And I'm tired.
- Jim: I'm tired, too.
- I'll get it, I'll get it.
Neighbor: Welcome!
Dad, I think
it's the Welcome Wagon.
Aurelie: Should I open?
(ladies talking)
Nah.
Who needs their coupons?
What coupons?
They have a gift basket!
Aurelie:
I think I saw free jelly!
Jim: (laughing)
You're so naive.
There's no such thing
as "free jelly."
I love coupons!
What's wrong with us
that no one answers the door?
I wanted to open the door.
But Dad's too weird.
Oh, I'm the weird one?
Maybe I'm the normal one,
and they're strung-out
drug-pushers!
- Jim: Ever think of that?
- You're a clown, Dad.
Oh I'm the clown?
Look at you, clown.
You're the clown,
or are you trying
to mess with the best?
Ooh, you trying to start a war
you might lose?
- Ooohh...
- Ooohh...
Look strong, look alive!
(playful tussle)
Aurelie: No!
All great warriors
use the element of surprise!
Dad, I'm gonna get Alzheimer's!
I like to wrestle, too...
Oooh, pile-driver, hah-hah!
Jim: What do you mean?
Do I talk Swahili?
Jeanne: You have fun
with Aurelie, but not with me!
You think it's easy for me
to work all day,
sweating in that stinky
chicken factory,
working at Captain Chicken,
while you go to college?
You don't even ask me
how was my day!
Jim: Okay, okay. How is that
big boil on your rear?
On your hip? Did it ever
turn out to be infected?
Jeanne: What? That's it!
Jeanne: Get out!
Jim: What? You said you thought
that thing might be a boil.
And as you recall, I said,
"Don't worry, it's probably
just a simple pimple."
I'm concerned about you, hon.
I had no idea if you'd popped
it or not...
Jeanne: Jim! Do I make fun
of your physical defects?
Physical defects?
Jeanne: Like your toupee,
for example?
(Jim sighs)
What's going on?
Nothing, I'm the
Elephant Man now I guess.
That's right, nothing!
I go to work and I come home
to a big nothing!
Come inside,
we'll figure this out.
It's not healthy
to sleep on the grass.
Go to hell!
Mom, would you like
an apricot orange cheese ball?
No, thank you, Aurelie.
How about I give you
a foot massage?
Jeanne: Thank you.
Are you God?
No...
I'm Jerry.
Boy: Pubic hair!
So, what did you do?
If he tells me
he wants to get laid,
I say put that pecker
back in that pocket
for at least two weeks!
(scrambling noise)
Who's in here?
I bet you don't even know
what that means.
What? Virginity?
(laughter)
Somebody should leave
this bathroom.
It's a free country.
Girl: Bullshit!
Smells like stinky in here!
Somebody's stinky!
It was like that
when I got in here.
Hey, have you noticed
she has long legs like a model?
(laughter)
It's a compliment.
A what?
How'd you get
the name Oral, anyway?
Damn, was your momma on drugs
when she popped you out?
Let me see,
I'll name my baby Oral,
Oral dirty licky lick!
'Cause that's how
I got talked into
having this damn baby anyway!
What's wrong
with your hair, Butt Lick?
She said she got a permanent.
Yeah, I never seen
no permanent like that!
Cut it out!
Oh, my God!
What in the name of Hades
is that thing?
Haven't you ever heard
of a pick before?
They're popular
all over the United States.
They're for the blacks.
I think it's for pubic hairs!
Girl:
Maybe that's your new name!
Pubic!
I'm gonna kick your pubic ass
every time I see you!
- Oral!
- Get away from me!
Give me that hair spray?
Pubic needs some.
Get off of me!
Pubic hair!
What am I supposed to do?
Confront Jack?
Or play the good wife
and pretend
I never found
those porno magazines?
Which ones?
And bless your heart.
I don't know
how I'm ever gonna forget?
I don't know how you could!
Don't put me in the mood
to give birth either!
- I wouldn't imagine...
- Aurelie: Mrs. Tripp?
I was in the bathroom
and these girls beat me up.
Honest? Who?
I think
one of their names is Kelly.
You had a disagreement
with Kelly?
She is not being
a nice girl today!
She really is not.
And they pulled my hair,
and they sprayed
hairspray in my face!
That is not allowed!
If that happens again,
you come and you tell me.
Again?
(students yelling)
Mrs. Tripp: Lydia! Lydia!
Am I seeing you throw pasta?
Don't make me get up
out of my chair!
Help me up out of this chair.
Lydia! What are you doing?
Mrs. Tripp: Pasta everywhere.
Stop it!
Why are you not controlling
these students?
Teacher:
She could slip and fall,
and she is a pregnant woman.
This is not acceptable.
Bad on you, everyone!
(buzzing)
Jim: I just don't think
you tried hard enough.
Compliments and flattery
are a very effective,
time-tested method.
(metal detector buzzing)
Okay, hold on a second here.
- Have you ever found anything?
- Doesn't matter...
It's relaxing.
Jim: You just got to
give it a chance,
kind of like you
and Dale Carnegie.
Dad, you're not listening!
I need something else!
Like what?
Brass knuckles.
Brass knuckles?
Isn't that a little bit extreme?
Oh, look at this?
Oh! Look at that!
A glass bottle.
Probably used to store medicine
over 100 years ago.
My gift to you.
I don't want a bottle.
I wanna protect myself.
(Jim snoring)
(whales calling)
(whale calling continues)
(whale calls getting closer)
(whale calling continues)
- Jerry: Ma'am?
- (screaming) Oh!
Sorry...
I'm so sorry.
Do you know what...?
What are these sounds?
Oh, that's whales.
Is my sound system too loud?
Oh, no!
I love mammals.
Sea mammals!
That's my thing too.
Jerry: The mating call...
It gets real intense.
Right there.
(whale gurgling)
Real sexual, right?
- Sexual?
- Don't you think?
Oh, I don't know about that.
That's not why
I'm attracted to...
Mammals, sea mammals.
- Well, maybe it is.
- (whale call)
Sexual is everywhere.
Did you ever think about
how much fornicating
is going on...
in that little patch of grass
you're standing on right now?
- Grass?
- Jerry: Uh-huh.
Oh, you saw me sleeping
on the lawn the other night?
I don't usually do that.
I'm normal.
Oh, that's okay.
It's okay.
You know, for a second,
I thought you were God.
You kind of have that look.
(giggling)
Are you an artist?
I give art lessons.
I have no talent.
You don't need talent.
You just need to feel it.
Yearning.
Yeah.
(chanting)
Teacher: That was good.
Good job!
Now, the nabia, which is
right here below the nose,
is the weakest bone
in the whole body.
If you control
somebody's personal nabia,
you control them.
Volunteer?
- Man 1: Take me.
- Man 2: Over here.
Roger, come on up.
(teacher breathing deeply)
Okay.
Be a mugger.
(student groaning)
(fight noise)
Good.
You see that?
I won that there fight
with this!
Anybody can do it.
I didn't know
there was a personal nabia.
Hmm, me neither.
Think of how that knowledge
could come in handy.
Did you know that?
No.
Where are all the girls?
Not here.
They're not tough like you.
Now, Roger, I'm gonna have you
mug somebody else.
Oh, hi, Dixon family!
How you guys doing?
Good!
You guys called earlier?
Little girl getting bullied?
This one.
That's her?
Come on up, Aurala!
Why don't you give it a try!
I'm just a visitor.
There's no such thing as
visitors here in the dojo.
Okay? Now you come on up,
and you push on Roger's nabia.
- Go, go, go!
- Go on...
Come on!
Right. Stand right here.
Hands up.
Don't be afraid.
Okay, Roger.
Charge at her in slow motion.
Get your finger up.
Yeah, good.
Okay, here we go, ready?
Go for his nabia!
(groaning)
Way to go! Nice!
Get on back in there, Roger.
He got snot all over my finger.
Wipe it on your shorts.
(chanting)
This place smells like feet.
That's how men smell.
Should we talk about
how women smell?
It's not always potpourri.
Jeanne: You know,
I think karate is great.
You can take
the first week for free.
Why quit before you start?
Yeah, hon, where's your courage?
I've got plenty of courage.
Where's yours?
Me? Courage is my middle name.
(Jeanne chuckles)
Oh wait, stop!
Isn't that a real salon?
Jim: Right back there?
In this alley?
Wow!
"Permanent repair
and straightening"...
$60?
Ah, forget it!
It costs an arm and a leg!
- Dad, can I borrow 60 bucks?
- Jim: Yeah, sure.
As soon as you show me
where the money tree is.
Well, I don't know
where the money tree is!
Neither do we!
- Let's look for it.
- I wonder where it could be.
(chuckles)
Oh, Aurelie...
I'd even take a money shrub
at this point.
Okay, everybody!
Round one of Scooter board
hockey is about to begin!
I want you to come up
and grab a bandana,
and tie it around your head!
Okay, if you were red last year,
grab a red.
If you were blue,
keep grabbing blue.
Boys, you up first, let's go.
Coach: Settle down!
One at a time!
One at a time, one at a time!
If you're gonna sit by me,
you've got to give me a dollar.
What? I can't!
I've got to save up my money.
I need to raise 60 bucks.
So? You're using me,
so I can use you.
(sounds of whistle)
You think you'd sit here
if kids thought
your hair looked white?
Yes.
You think my hair's pretty?
Yes.
You lie.
Well, guess what?
It is pretty!
Maybe just not on you,
ever think about that?
By the way, that's not a afro,
you don't have a afro.
I swear these dummies don't know
their ass from a hole in the ground!
Why don't you take
your hair out of the braids?
What?
Because maybe
I don't want to, that's why.
Hi, curly-haired dog!
What be up,
Ronald McDonald head?
That guy told me he wanted
to touch you with his finger.
What? What finger?
Why don't you grow some brains?
Brett wants to stick his finger
in your poo-tang!
- My tang?
- Down there, jackass!
- But I don't even know him.
- That doesn't matter!
I got a stomach ache.
I don't wanna play this game.
Yes, you do!
This is our chance!
We can finally beat
those girls asses!
(laughing)
Coach:
All right, let's go!
(blowing whistle)
Coach:
All right, all right!
Get your hands up!
Coach: Over here!
- Give me the ball, Oral!
- No!
Lydia: Aurelie, come on,
that's not our goal!
- Coach: Let's go!
- Lydia: That's not our goal!
That's not our goal,
not our goal!
Wrong way, Space case!
Aurelie, don't give up!
Come on!
Girl: I'm open!
Lydia:
Come on! Come on!
Girl: Come on!
Give me the ball!
Ow!
(groaning)
(scream)
(coach blows whistle)
Her!
She is so rude!
My nose is about to bleed!
She's dangerous!
Out, now!
You too.
Up, let's go!
Keep your head high, Aurelie!
You all right?
She nearly hit me
with that there ball,
could've hurt somebody.
Park it right there
on that step.
Mrs. Tripp: At this school,
we do not accept fighting.
Fighters are sent
to the principal's office,
and usually suspended.
Fighting is low-class,
redneck behavior.
Is it true
you started first, Aureola?
What? No!
That's right,
I didn't do anything to her!
She stuck her damn finger
up my nose,
trying to touch my boogers!
You may try
that booger trick again.
Go ahead and make my day!
Girls!
Mrs. Tripp: Have you not noticed
that I am pregnant?
I am pregnant!
This is pregnant!
And I do not have
time for this.
You are disturbing
my unborn child.
So, what I'm trying to say is
that if you two do not learn
to get along,
you are both headed
for suspension!
Don't let yourself
overheat, Georgia.
Coach: All right.
You two girls need to give
the other person
a good long look.
Right now!
How is this situation
your fault?
What can you do to turn
this sinking ship around?
I want to hear ideas
from the both of you!
I try!
Oral's a bully!
Well, that's it?
That's it, I'm just gonna walk
on down to Mr. Toxin's office,
and have him
process two suspensions.
And guess what?
It goes on your college record.
Wait, what?
Wait!
I brought Kelly a present.
I heard her birthday
was coming up.
How'd you know?
It's in three months.
Well, isn't that thoughtful.
It's an antique.
It can be a knick-knack.
Kelly: A knick-knack?
Thank you.
I don't have one of these.
Well, now you do.
I wish I did.
Are you touched?
You should be touched.
- Why don't you two hug?
- Hug it out.
Coach:
Now we're cooking with gas!
(school bell ringing)
I been on the high road
I been on the low road
I been on the wrong path
more than I've cared for
I've been on the wrong path
Jeanne: Okay.
Here you are.
Thank you.
Okay.
- Jerry: Hi!
- Jeanne: Oh!
(Jeanne chuckles)
Oh, I seem to jump
every time I see you.
I'm unexpected.
Yeah...
I guess God is everywhere, huh?
You know...
I was writing a poem about that.
God, I'm like a little orphan,
fast asleep on the grass.
(chuckles)
I can't read any more.
It's embarrassing.
You didn't happen
to think it was good, did you?
What?
My poem!
Jeannie...
Not everybody's a poet.
You should try watercolors.
And then graduate to oils.
You don't have
original recipe here, do you?
Oh, no, no, this isn't
Kentucky Fried Chicken.
This is different.
Here it only comes fried.
Or under-fried.
Some people want it more fried.
(whispering)
This isn't the place for you.
It has no imagination.
Then why are you wasting
your time working here?
Jeanne: Because...
I'm the breadwinner.
Get away from my family's yard!
I heard your daddy wears a wig.
What? No!
I heard you've got a dirty mind.
You told Lydia you wanted
to use your finger on me?
You're gonna get finger action
sooner or later.
I will not!
If you knock off
the finger stuff,
maybe we could play something,
like Olympics.
What crazy-ass game is that?
I wanna play masks.
It's easy...
We just have to put on masks
and talk dirty, sexy talk.
If you do it,
I'll give you five whole bucks.
Aurelie, come here, please!
Jim: Faster, please, young lady.
Who is that boy?
Tell him to go home.
I don't like the look of him.
Dad, I don't have any friends.
It's not like I can
pick and choose.
Your mom needs help
with the laundry.
Why don't you go do it?
I've got homework.
You see this?
That's the tiniest record-player
in the world playing,
"My Heart Bleeds for You".
(Jim makes squeaking noise)
Jim: Get on.
You know, we should use
this time to talk to each other.
Get to know each other better.
Okay.
I've got to get Dad
to give me that 60 bucks.
I've got to ask him when
he's in a really good mood.
Aurelie, you don't get it.
It's not gonna help,
we're poor.
No, we're not.
We're upper middle class.
Dad was an Air Force officer!
He was enlisted.
And his scholarship doesn't
kick in if he doesn't swim!
So, don't tell me
we have all this extra money!
Here, hang up these underwear.
It's got holes!
- You should throw these out!
- Aurelie!
Underwear
does not grow on trees!
Sure, I'd buy new underwear
if I could...
But I can't.
All over the world, there are
millions of working class poor.
And that's what we are, poor!
And I'm proud of it!
Now, pick up
that poor woman's underwear!
Pick them up.
Why can't you pick up
your own horrible underwear?
Jim, your daughter just said
that my underwear are horrible.
That is not good
for my self-esteem!
Since when is she my daughter
all of a sudden?
Dad, Mom is a nightmare!
A horrible,
low-class nightmare!
Why can't you be loyal to me.
She's gonna go off to college!
I will be the one here
when you're old and feeble.
I just wanna eat some meat.
The meat is ready.
Dinner is served.
I was watching
World Wide Wrestling
very peacefully just moments ago.
Here.
This dinner does not give me
a warm feeling.
Do you think
it gives me a warm feeling?
Jim, we need help.
I saw an ad on the bulletin
board at work, it said,
"Free therapy
for troubled families."
From an ad on a board?
We'll end up
with a serial killer.
Jim, serial killers
don't live around here.
Plus, it's free.
Lydia:
Are you gonna pay me a dollar?
Aurelie: I've got bigger fish
to fry, Lydia.
I need 60 bucks
to fix my hair.
You think my mama
would just hand me 60 bucks?
Why don't you do some work?
Like collect aluminum cans!
Aurelie: What?
Where would I get the cans?
Use your head.
Wherever people drink soda pop
and throw away the can.
You mean I have to go dig
in the trash cans?
- Have you ever done it?
- Hell no! I don't do cans.
You're the one who needs some cash.
Man: Damn it, Lina...
Could you chew
with your mouth shut?
You look like a damn camel.
This is why we never go nowhere,
'cause you don't know
how to act in public,
you act like
you never been
out of a damn house before.
That's why
I never take you anywhere...
- There you are.
- Oh, the bathroom is no good.
I'm gonna go set down my purse.
Oh! (chuckles)
Jeanne: Hello, are you here
for family therapy?
I thought you were single.
I am single.
It's my group.
- Excuse me?
- I'm the group leader.
Jeanne: You mean, the therapist?
Mm-hmm.
Ya'll can come on down now.
Aurelie, here.
Jerry: Welcome.
So...
What comes to mind when we think
of this funny word, "Family"?
Jerry: Anybody?
Anybody?
I think a family is like a car.
- What model car?
- Any model.
A Chevrolet, for example.
You can wax it,
or you can let it stay dirty.
To me, a family is like a plant.
You give it water, and you hope
you didn't get a weed.
Good. Very good.
Now, who here is afraid
of their family?
Jerry: Don't be afraid.
Anybody?
I'm afraid
my wife's gonna get drunk
and embarrass me
in public again.
- If that's what you mean.
- That is.
That's exactly what I mean.
I'm afraid!
We used to live
on a very nice Air Force base.
Jim wore an attractive uniform.
I used to shop
at the commissary,
got 15% off of everything!
Now we're broke!
And he's terrified
to just go swimming!
- You're exaggerating.
- Okay, he's scared.
And his insecurities
are going to get him
kicked out of college!
Aurelie hates me!
It's not my fault
that you have split ends!
It's more than split ends!
Is it true, Ariole, that you
blame your mother for your hair?
Whose idea was it to go to
Barry's Beauty School?
I want to share with you
a saying I came across recently.
Quote...
"No family is normal
like every other family."
See there?
We're just like everybody else.
(PA system echoes)
Attention!
Librarian:
This is your school librarian!
Now, what I have here
in my hand is an announcement
about a upcoming Halley's Comet
Poetry Reading Contest.
I'll read it out...
(clears throat)
Calling all young people
with a poetic spirit!
Librarian: This contest
was initiated in our town
ten years ago
under Mrs. Florence Jacks,
a local Mark Twain scholar
and aficionado.
As in past years, the cash prize
will be 75 dollars.
Librarian: The same age
as Mark Twain when he died
upon the passing
of Halley's Comet.
All students eligible
to compete,
and parents are encouraged
to attend.
Thank you.
This is the end
of the daily announcements!
Did you all hear that?
$75 for reading a poem?
Like my husband would say,
"It's better than
a poke in the eye."
Mrs. Tripp: Am I right?
I'm gonna put
a sign-up sheet later.
Outside.
But by a show of hands...
Can you tell me in here,
who would be interested?
Two?
Two, three...?
That's it, I am...
Put your hands down.
75 dollars.
For reading a poem?
No.
Kelly's gonna be in it.
Her sister won last year,
now it's her turn.
I thought it was a competition.
It's competition,
but she's gonna win.
If you want to be her friend,
don't sign up.
I'm not her friend.
You wanna lose your chance?
You could be one day.
Okay, I won't do it.
Aurelie.
Do you wanna know
what's wrong with you?
You're chicken-shit.
Mrs. Tripp: 75 dollars?
So...
Re-think that.
In 1787 I'm told our
founding fathers did agree
To write a list of principles
for keeping people free
The U. S. A. was
just starting out
A whole brand-new country
And so our people spelled it out
the things that we should be
And they put those principles
down on paper
and called it
The Constitution
And it's been helping us run
our country ever since then
The first part
of The Constitution is called
"The Preamble"
And tells what those founding
fathers set out to do
We, the people, in order
to form a more perfect union
Establish justice,
insure domestic tranquility
Provide for
the common defense
Promote the general welfare
And
Secure the blessings
of Liberty to ourselves
And our Posterity
Do ordain and establish
this Constitution
For the United States of...
(sound of breaking plastic)
Don't just stand around.
Help.
Are we gonna talk about sex?
How do I know
you'll give me five bucks?
I'm good for it.
You know...
if you lost your poodle head...
I like you for your personality.
Thanks.
Okay, I'll kiss you
with the masks on.
Okay.
Wanna see my wiener?
Absolutely not! Yuck!
Why not?
He looks like E. T.
Everybody loves E. T.
E. T. is scary.
No, he's not, E. T.'s friendly.
He just wants to make friends
and phone calls.
Do you always
call your wiener, "He"?
A lot of guys do it.
My brother calls
his "The Big Meatloaf."
I don't believe you.
(sighs)
Jeanne...
Just follow through,
keep your eye on the birdie.
- Jim: Ah!
- Hey!
No slamming allowed!
According to what rule book?
According to the
"If You Want Me to Play" book.
Jim,
did you ever think about using
the step-by-step method
for swimming?
This girl at my work,
her grandfather was in WW Il.
He had big problems back then
because the Gazpacho
kept trying to kill him...
Gestapo, not Gazpacho.
- Stop correcting me!
- Gazpacho's a soup.
A Spanish soup,
we had it on Air Force One.
Anyway, try to follow me.
It's delicious.
The war taught him
how to fight back.
Up here.
When he was 104 years old,
the doctors told him
he would never walk again.
He went out,
he got a little chair.
He took one step,
he got tired, he rested.
He took another step,
maybe two this time.
He sat and rested.
He walked great like that
until he was 108!
And that's when he died.
Poor him.
I fail to see the point.
Are you even listening?
I'm trying to encourage to use
your will power!
Maybe that story will inspire
you to conquer your fears!
You know what?
If I want Einstein,
I'll call him on the phone.
Why is it a bad idea?
Jeanne: Do it...
step by step.
I'll go to the pool with you!
I'll be your moral support!
Absolutely not!
I don't need anyone
to hold my hand!
Instructor:
All right, that's good.
Let's pick up the pace.
All right. Good form. Good form.
Okay.
You wait and watch up there.
You're gonna see a lot more
than just breast stroke.
You want me to just sit
and watch your lesson?
Yeah, why not?
Haven't you ever heard
of moral support?
You could be my number one fan.
My mascot.
(men chatting)
(whistle blowing)
Damn it!
Damn it, damn it, damn it!
(Jim screams)
Janitor: Hey!
You can't beat on lockers!
It causes dents,
and dents look like crap!
TV narrator: The Equal Rights
Amendment died this year
has marked the end
of a 10-year battle...
- Did he take his hair off?
- Not that I saw.
I can't figure out
why he didn't take me along.
Aurelie, you never buy
lemonade at a restaurant, right?
You just ask for extra lemon
wedges and sugar packets.
I don't appreciate
you talking about me.
I have excellent hearing.
Am I the only one
in this house who knows
how to put away dishes?
Dad, why don't you be a lawyer?
Then you could go
to a different college,
and get your degree faster.
Why?
Medicine doesn't take that long.
What about residency?
Residency?
Residency is a
four-year, post-graduate
program that is optional.
It's mostly for foreigners.
Last time I checked,
I speak English.
(chuckles)
Jim: I am not on the slow bus!
Oh, no. I benefit
from the American rules!
Jim, just because
you have a bad day,
don't take it out
on these beautiful cabinets!
I plan on stenciling them.
I'm not bothering
your stenciling.
And don't blame it on my day.
I didn't have a bad day.
Yes, you did!
I was there, remember?
When we left the pool,
you were in a horrible mood!
You, enough!
Enough!
I am a child,
and you are the adult.
Jim: I am the adult!
I am the adult,
and you are the child,
so, just shut the hell up!
See, Aurelie?
He can't control himself!
You are a donkey's ass!
And I'm not putting up
with it anymore!
You're always finding a reason
to quit because you...
You don't have the mind of a winner!
Jeanne: Or the hair of a winner!
Jim: What?
I am too a winner!
I'm a winner!
You and the Methodists
can kiss my rosy red!
Jeanne: Hey!
We wasted 20 years of our life,
and he never even
got a promotion!
All you can do is...
slam cabinets!
If you don't wanna love me,
I'll find another man who will!
Hah, hah!
And I get free art classes!
Jeanne: (screaming)
I wanna be an artist!
I wanna be an artist!
- I wanna be an artist!
- Yes, yes!
- I wanna be an artist.
- Yes, yes...
- Stop!
- Wait, wait, wait!
You are!
Mom, wait,
what are you doing? Mom!
Jerry: Wait, wait, wait.
Okay, you're free! You're free!
- Free!
- (Jerry chuckles)
- Jerry: Wonderful!
- Jeanne: Art, art!
(both laughing)
It's my pig!
I don't care
if my dad gets mad!
How much is it?
Looks about 10 bucks.
Maybe 12.
Twelve bucks?
My dad put twelve bucks
in the pig for my college fund?
Hey, wait!
Come on! Wait up!
I got your twelve bucks,
it's better than nothing!
Brett: Hey!
At least he don't beat you
with a bat.
You should see my daddy.
Your dad beats you with a bat?
He does my brother.
Sure, when he's got a few
Buds in him, he's a maniac!
Oh, no.
Is that Kelly Keester?
Oh, crap!
Hey baby, what's up?
Are you cheating on me
with that stupid,
pubic-hair turd face?
- (dog barking)
- Huh?
That's nuckin' futs!
I don't even know her.
Brett: I've never even
talked to that girl before!
You're a damn liar!
Shouldn't you calm Chunky down?
He's feeling my feelings!
You said you loved me!
I do, baby...
Kelly, I'm so sorry, I had
no idea he was your boyfriend.
I had no idea.
I'm gonna go home now, okay?
Aurelie: Bye!
(barking continues)
(laughing)
- How do you feel?
- I tried to open my blowhole.
I think you may have succeeded!
(more laughter)
Oh, you have no idea
how happy I am!
- How much this means to me.
- Jeanne: Really?
You make me feel
like a teenager!
Me too!
I think you should just
move in over here.
You're lonely.
I'm lonely, too.
Why do you think I do family
therapy?
Maybe you're right.
I never really thought of myself
as a radical woman...
Yes!
You have a definite radical
aspect to your personality.
- That's for sure.
- Thank you!
And very nice breasts!
Excuse me?
I...
If you'd like, I could just
say that to myself silently.
I think that might be best.
I have a present for you.
These are real
sperm whale teeth.
Oh, he has a cavity!
(chuckles)
Jeanne: I'm gonna make earrings
out of them.
Jerry: That's great.
Did you ask Mom
to come back yet?
Hell, no.
Why not?
She should know
how to do the right thing.
(Jeanne and Jerry laughing)
You know what
your mother's problem is?
She doesn't know jack-all
about how the world works.
You wanna
know how things go down?
I'll tell you.
We were flying back
from the ranch in California...
Reagan asks for a steak.
Medium rare.
So, I go to the back,
I look in the freezer.
No steaks.
What I thought was a steak...
was a pork chop.
Somebody screwed up, not me.
It's not my job
to stock the freezer.
But it's my job...
to double-check.
People say there's
no such thing as bad luck.
It's not true.
Snap your fingers,
and you're screwed.
Yeah, but...
I wish you'd ask her
to come back.
We're a family.
- Don't just give up.
- Aren't you giving up?
Should I go back
to karate class?
I think adolescence
is like an old western.
Sometimes you realize
you're surrounded...
and you just got to
shoot your way out.
(school bell ringing)
I thought
you were scared of Kelly.
I am,
but I'm doing it anyway.
- What about you?
- Nope.
Black kids don't win contests.
Not when the judges are white.
Well, you wanna come
watch me compete?
- It's Monday, 5th period.
- Can't.
That's when they stick me
with the retards.
But you're not retarded.
Jeanne...
You want chicken?
Take it "to go."
I'm sorry.
You're sorry?
Don't move in
with that guy next door.
I have my flaws,
but I am a real man.
You can't resent me
'cause I don't like whale calls.
I highly respect
your love of whales...
and dolphins and gorillas.
It's not the whales.
He's an artist.
Maybe I'm an artist.
But I'm the one who loves you.
Doesn't feel like you love me.
All I feel is like I'm ignored.
Listen, I've been thinking...
Aurelie's going back to karate.
What if it something that
we all did together?
You know, a together thing.
You think karate
is a together thing?
I absolutely do.
Jim: Great block!
Great form!
Jeanne: Come on,
it's not that great.
Yes, it's beautiful.
You're laying it on
a little thick.
You said you didn't feel loved,
and I want you to feel
like I love you.
I'll do whatever you want.
You name it.
I want to go back to therapy!
(coughs)
Thank you for meeting us
on short notice.
That's fine.
I often invite
troubled individuals
to come to
these impromptu sessions.
Hey, who you calling
"troubled", man?
Jim! We're here for help!
This is a couples
counseling session!
Drug addict: It is?
I'm here to talk about
Ty-ty's pill-popping.
That's fine, too.
And in these smaller groups,
I like to create a space.
A space to have sex
with my wife?
Jim, you're starting
to make me angry!
You're not even trying!
Fine. Fine.
Ty-ty is mean when he's high!
I just had to get that
off my chest.
Good, good.
And since this is
a space where people
say what they need to say
to each other,
and you seem to be
pretty agitated, Jeannie...
Maybe you should
get the ball rolling.
Jeanne: Okay.
Jerry, you're very nice.
And I love that
you see me as an artist.
But when you suddenly
start talking about...
somebody's breasts...
they might start thinking
you're a dirty old man.
Jeannie,
I'm your therapist here.
We can discuss this in private.
I don't care
to be together privately.
And Jim...
What I want to say to you is...
I'm a free spirit.
My spirit wants to be free,
and creative!
Jim, if you want
to stay married to me...
you need to see me as I am.
I'm a little bit...
outside of everything.
I don't want to be
outside with you too.
I wanted you to be
interested in me!
Genuinely interested.
But you never were.
Jeanne...
If you were a magazine...
I would buy a subscription.
What does that mean?
It means that I did not
always buy a subscription
in the past, Jerry.
I would go to the newsstand.
Sometimes I would buy an issue.
But sometimes...
I would not.
And by God,
I wanna be a subscriber!
I almost lost
this wonderful magazine
and I realize now...
that I love it!
And I wanna read
every article, Jerry!
Every article!
Cover to cover!
Think about the bullies!
Think about them!
Isn't it a little early
for her to spar?
No, you're supposed to do that,
even on the first day.
Does that mean
you and me could do it?
If you wanted to.
Absolutely, we could.
Cat stance!
Don't forget your cat stance.
Cat stance!
All right, Orala, here we go.
Show him it's not just
a little girl he's messing with.
Okay, go in there and kick.
- Instructor: Good!
- Jim: Nice!
Oh, good kick, yeah!
Block it, block it!
Instructor: That's it.
Kick, Orala, kick!
(crowd groans)
Match goes to Sam.
Orala, next time
you just got to kick more!
You don't show what
you're made of, you know?
- Aurelie: Mm-Hmm.
- Are you feeling ok?
You just got to kick
a little more, okay?
Kick like a cat!
(karate noise)
Are all of you here?
And did you all get your numbers
from your home room?
Here, let's see one.
Six, five, eight, nine, ten...
Where's 14?
I thought I had 14 kids,
where's Lydia Johnson?
She's coming.
Oh, good, good...
Now, that is the order
in which we'll be calling you.
So, when it's your turn,
I will find you here,
and then I'm gonna
lead you to the "go" position,
where you all need
to listen carefully...
for your chime, all right?
Also, I want to point out to you
that our judge and patron,
Mrs. Florence Jacks,
she's sitting right out there
in the very front row!
So, smile big and do
your very best, all right?
(gasps) Isn't that wonderful!
Do you remember
what the SH sound is?
What sound does that make?
Sh...
Shit.
Let's not curse.
Okay.
Remember like
when we want to be quiet?
What nice words start with SH?
Sh...
Shit!
You don't want to be
held back again, do you?
What sound does a teapot make?
(knocking on door)
Excuse me?
Lydia Johnson is needed
in the principal's office.
For what?
You're in trouble, I guess.
- Who wrote this?
- Beats me.
I'm supposed to take Lydia
to the principal's office.
What the hell? What did I do?
Aurelie: Nothing.
Here, I brought you a folder.
It's for the poetry competition.
I signed you up.
What?
Well, unsign me up!
I'm not doing
that damn poetry competition!
Look, all you have to do
is read the poem!
Don't you wanna do that
instead of going back
to the retard class?
Maybe you'll win!
You think I could win?
How am I gonna win?
Just read the poem.
You might be really good at it.
Aurelie: Come on,
we have no time.
Come on.
How'd you choose this poem?
"I am a woman,
sick for passion."
You think I'm gonna read this?
Yes, my lady. No, my lady...
This is ridiculous!
I thought it was romantic.
Where's one and two?
Oh, Kelly, you're gonna be
number one, all right?
Now, in exactly five minutes,
we are gonna start!
So, anybody has to pee,
you better do it now!
I didn't have to pee
until she said that.
You're nervous, just hold it!
I can't! Here...
Aurelie: Take my bag
and my folder.
And I'll be back.
(sound of Aurelie peeing)
We done told you not to enter
this poetry competition!
You're not the boss of me.
Oh, yeah? Come on out,
and we'll see who's boss.
(applause)
Audience member:
Come on, Kelly!
(crowd cheering on Kelly)
I just wanna say,
I love Mark Twain!
He's my favorite famous person.
I think he was such a genius.
So, I chose a poem by him...
Isn't that the bully girl?
I think so.
...did young Stephen sicken,
and did young Stephen die?
And did the sad hearts thicken,
and did the mourners cry?
- Isn't she doing good?
- She is doing so good.
She's precious...
...impaired the sacred name
Of Stephen Dowling Botes...
Bots.
Thank you.
Come on, Oral,
you chicken or something?
Mary John!
Excuse me!
Why are you not
at the assembly?
I was using the bathroom.
I'm on my way, Mrs. Tripp!
Hey, Mary John,
did you forget your brush?
Get to the assembly!
Mary John, you stay right here,
I need to talk to you
about your mathematics grade.
I thought you knew your math
better than that.
(sound of peeing)
Have you been working
with your tutor?
Your mother told me
you were working with the tutor,
Mary John!
If I run real fast,
I probably can make it.
Go ahead and try, Oral.
Do you want
to fight me instead?
- You wanna fight me?
- Aurelie: No.
But I'm not gonna run anymore.
You wanna fight, go ahead.
"Stopping by Woods
on a Snowy Evening"
by Robert Frost
Whose woods these are
I think I know
His house is in
the village though...
He will not see me...
You're lucky
I don't wanna mess my hair up.
Or I'd beat you up
some more right now.
Wait!
What the hell
is that crazy thing?
I dare you.
He gives
his harness bells a shake
To ask if there...
I bet Aurelie
can beat these girls.
I can't believe it.
You never hold my hand.
That was the old me.
This is the new.
(grunting)
"Casey at the Bat"
by Ernest L. Thayer.
The outlook wasn't brilliant
for the Mudville nine that day,
The score stood four to two,
but with one inning
more to play.
And then when Cooney
died at first,
and Barrows did the same...
Where's 13 and 14?
13 and 14, we're ready for you!
Where...?
Where's Orila?
I think she went
to the bathroom,
I'll just go get her...
No, Greta,
we have an audience out there,
somebody has to go on!
But I'm scared!
You'll be okay, Lydia.
You're gonna be lucky number 13!
Lucky number!
I'm gonna go
raise the mike for you.
Come on, Lydia, you can do this.
Just show Mrs. Jacks
what you got.
It's almost over,
where's Aurelie?
(applause)
Birds...
flying high...
You know how I feel...
Sun...
in the sky...
You know how I feel...
Lydia: It's a new dawn...
(heavy breathing)
It is a new day...
It's a new life for me...
Fish...
in the sea...
You know how I feel...
Rivers running free...
You know how I feel...
Blossoms...
on the trees...
You know how I feel...
It's a new dawn.
It's a new day.
It's a new life for me.
And I'm feeling good.
And this old world
is a new world,
and a bold world for me.
(Aurelia screams)
And now Mrs. Florence Jacks...
I shall now read the winners.
My decision is irrevocable.
You're lucky I don't wanna
mess up my hair right now.
Or I'd beat you up some more.
Mrs. Jacks: Third place...
Petey McMichaels, 25 dollars!
Second place...
Kelly Keester, 50 dollars!
Miss Kelly Keester,
50 dollars,
United States Savings Bond!
Kelly Keester!
Second place is very good.
First place with
complete originality
like Mark Twain...
Lydia Johnson!
(Aurelie)
Yes! Yes, yes, yes!
(applause)
75 dollars!
Yeah, louder! Come on!
Yes, yes, yes, Lydia!
Aurelie: Yes, Lydia!
Thank you!
This is the end of our assembly!
Aurelie: Yes! (cheers)
Lydia, you did it!
I can't believe it's 75 bucks!
You think
I'm gonna give you my money?
- No.
- See, you don't know me.
I'll let you have some.
Go fix your hair
if you hate yourself,
and you're so desperate.
But I think it looks okay.
I don't care
about my hair anymore.
You keep it.
You earned it!
What are you doing?
Aurelie: What are you doing?
I don't care
what the honkies are gonna say!
Yeah!
Those honkies can kiss my ass!
(both laughing)
You look beautiful.
(sound of hair dryer)
You don't have
hair like that.
You'll never have
hair like that.
Maybe you're good-looking...
and maybe you're not.
But you're still alive.
(Aurelie and Jeanne cheering)
Jeanne: You can do it!
- Yes! Come on!
- (Jeanne screams)
You can do it, Jim!
- Aurelie: Come on, Dad, jump!
- Yes, yes!
(women continue screaming)
Come on, Dad, dump it!
Throw it away!
Come on, Dad!
(both screaming and cheering)
(Jim screaming)
(gasps)
Jeanne: You did it!
Look at your beautiful
bald head!
You look like a dolphin.
(chuckling)
Jeanne: Oh!
(all laughing)
Jeanne: Come on, flipper.
(all cheering)
Aurelie: We did it!
Aurelie: I love you guys.
(whales calling)
(music playing)
(whale calls)