Pete Davidson: SMD (2016) Movie Script
1
[vocal music]
- Uh-uh, yeah
Uh, uh-uh-uh,
yeah, yeah, yeah
Uh, uh-uh, yeah, uh
Uh, uh, uh,
yeah, yeah, yeah
[music continues]
All day, all day
Every day,
every day
We was on that block
Until we made a way,
made a way
Day to day, man
That's the only way,
only way
They gon' know my name
until it fade away
Fade away, fade away,
fade away
Fade--fade away, way, way
Fade away
[cheers and applause]
Fade away, fade away,
fade away, fade away
They gon' my name
Until I fade, fade, fade
- What up?
[cheers and applause continue]
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
It's very nice--
nice to be home.
Very nice to be in New York.
[people cheer]
I, uh--
I had a pretty--
[man yells]
Yup.
[laughter]
You know how you know
someone's from Staten Island?
[laughter]
They let you know that they're
from Staten Island.
If you don't know
what Staten Island is,
it's like New York's abortion
that lived.
[laughter]
It's a shitty place.
Nah, there's good people
everywhere
but, like, not in Staten Island
at all.
Yeah, like, everybody could die
on Staten Island,
and I wouldn't lose sleep
over it at all.
I'd be like, "Oh, I guess
I got to find
a new Xanax dealer."
Like, that's about it.
No, it's nice to be home.
I had a--I had a fucked-up week.
I had a long week.
I had to fly Cape Air.
I don't know if anybody's
ever flown Cape Air,
but I'll tell you what it is.
It's a Volvo
that flies.
It's a Volvo with wings.
Um, first thing,
you pull up to the airport.
I didn't even know it was
the Cape Air airport,
because it looked like
a post office.
So I told the Uber driver,
I was like, "Listen.
I think
we're at the post office."
And he was like, "No,
this is the airport."
And I was like, "Well, okay."
First thing you do
when you get in there--
there's one lady
working in the airport.
And when I got in there,
I was very, like--
I was like,
"What the fuck's going on?"
And she was like, "Okay,
weigh your carry-on."
I was like, "That seems normal."
I've weighed my carry-on before.
And she was like,
"Now weigh your backpack."
I was like, "Well,
that's a little odd."
I've never really weighed
my backpack,
but, you know, maybe
there's not a lot going on
at Cape Air.
Maybe she's just trying
to get a good work in.
Like, you know what I mean?
So I weighed my backpack.
And then she was like,
"Now you."
[laughter]
I was like, "Why--why do I
have to be weighed?"
And she was like, "Well,
we have to weigh everybody
"so we know where to seat you
on the plane
"so it doesn't topple over.
'Cause it's not like
a regular plane."
And I was like, "Did you
just say 'regular plane'?
Why the fuck is that okay?"
It was terrifying.
We walk to the plane.
You could sit shotgun
with the pilot,
like he's your buddy
from college.
The pilot was trying
to give us a speech before.
It was crazy.
He was just like,
"All right, guys.
"Before we take off on Cape Air,
"I just want to let you know
"pretty much
the most important rule.
You guys know how,
on a regular plane..."
I was like, "What's with this
fucking 'regular plane' thing?"
I was like, "Get a new spiel."
He was like, "You know,
when you're on a regular plane,
"they're like,
'Turn your phones off,'
"but you really don't have
to turn your phone off?
"On this plane,
turn your fucking phones off.
All right, everybody have
a safe flight, all right."
Just happy to be home.
Very--getting a little older.
And when you say that
and you're 22,
people immediately think
you're a dick.
But, like, I'm the oldest
I've ever been.
So, like, to me,
I've been around.
Like, I've noticed
little things getting older,
like now I can't get hard
by just, like, looking
at a picture of a girl.
Yeah, I can't do it anymore.
At first, I thought I was gay.
I was like, "Oh, no,
I'm gay now."
I was like,
"That's what this means."
No, I didn't know, like,
when you get older,
you can't just, like, get hard.
I didn't know you have to, like,
bat it around
and get it going, you know?
I used to be able to get hard,
any picture of a girl.
She didn't have to be naked.
As long as she was kind of
like this,
like, I could always just
jerk off
if there's some sort of a tilt.
My mom's cool, man.
She's getting old now.
It's kind of sad.
Like, she just turned 46,
and, like...
[laughter]
Yeah, she still works and...
she still drives.
She's a trouper.
I don't know how she does it.
[applause]
No, every day
that woman gets up,
I'm like, "You're amazing."
My mom's so old,
it's like it's cute now.
Like, whenever she does
anything,
I find it adorable
and I'm proud.
Like, I talked to my mom
the other day.
She was like, "Last night,
I got home
"at, like, 11:30.
I just--I went out for
some drinks with my friends."
And I was like, "Fuck, yeah,
you did.
Fucking Amy.
Let's go."
It's weird;
my mom's single.
It's a very weird thing.
My mom's single.
My sister's a teenager.
It's very weird, you know,
'cause whenever one of them
brings a dude home,
I don't know who he's for.
[laughter]
Like, when I answer the door,
I don't know if I'm supposed to,
like, beat him up
or, like, play catch.
Like, I have no idea.
I'm like, "Are you my new dad?
You want you see my room?"
I give my mom a lot of credit.
She--she had to do
a lot of weird shit.
You know, she had to--
like, my mom had to buy me
condoms.
I feel like that's a dad's job.
I mean, I never had a dad,
but I assume that's, like,
the dad's job.
Like, in my head, how I would
get condoms from my dad is,
we would be having a catch,
and then all of a sudden,
a huge box of condoms
would appear in his hand,
and he'd be like, "Go long!"
And he would throw it,
and then I would catch it,
and he'd be like...
I don't know;
I don't have a dad.
But I assume that's, like,
how it goes down.
I tell you how
it's not supposed to go down.
I got home from school.
I was, like,
a sophomore in high school.
And my mom was like, "Hey,
I left a little present
for you on your bed."
I was very excited.
I was like, "Oh, my God,
perhaps it's sneakers."
I was very---there was
endless possibilities.
It could be DVDs.
Those were hot at the time.
It could have been
a million things.
I get up there.
It's a 50-pack of condoms.
Every variety, every brand.
And I just wanted to be like,
"Mom,
"who the fuck do you think
your son is?
"Like, I never even
brought a friend home.
"Like, what made you think
I was out there,
"like, slinging pussy?
"I hang out with you
every night.
"Do you want to fuck me?
Do you want to fuck me, Mom?
No, let's fuck.
I'm mad now."
Me and my mom
are really close now.
I--this is how close
me and my mom are.
Like, I send my mom pictures
of my dick
whenever I'm worried.
Easy.
[laughter]
She's a nurse.
She's a nurse, so I figure
whenever, like, I get
a dot or something,
rather than go see the doctor,
I can just cut out
the middleman,
send it to my mom.
[people groan]
That's not--no, fuck you.
I don't like that.
You know, maybe you guys aren't
just that close
with your mothers.
Yeah, me and my mom
are on a dick level.
No, like--no, here's an example.
Like, if there was a line
of dudes
waiting to show their dick
to my mom, right--
it's her lucky day.
I--I could cut that line,
because I'm with the family.
You understand?
No, I would send my mom pics.
I'd be like, "Hey, Mom,
sorry to bother you,
but, you know, do you see
anything wrong here?"
And she'd be like, "Yeah, Pete.
Definitely something wrong."
And I'd be like, "What?"
She's like, "You're sending me
pictures of your dick.
"What the fuck's wrong with you?
I'm a school nurse."
Oh.
[applause]
She was like,
"Put a Band-Aid on it.
I don't know."
No, I was--I was a loser
in high school.
It was my fault, though.
Like, I realize it's my fault.
I went to three different
high schools, okay?
The first high school I went to,
I was like, "Wow, everybody here
is a fucking asshole."
And then I got
to another high school,
and I was like, "Wow,
lightning strikes twice.
Everybody here
is a fucking asshole too."
And then I got
to the third high school,
and I was like, "Oh, it's me."
I was like, "It was me
the whole time."
I looked down.
I had a rolling school bag.
I was like, "Perhaps I had
something to do with this.
I think it might have been
my fault."
No, fuck that!
Why is the rolling school bag
the gay one?
I never understood that.
That makes no sense to me.
Grown--grown adults--
"You're a fucking loser.
You have a rolling school bag."
I never understood that.
What, do you want to carry
your books like a peasant?
That makes no sense to me.
Fucking roll down the hallways
like a G,
all your fucking textbooks.
"What you doing?"
"Studying, motherfucker."
Like, why is that--
why was it lame?
I never understood that.
I had a rolling school bag
for four years.
I loved it.
Yeah, even though I looked
like I was waiting for a flight
for, like, four years.
People used to make fun of me,
and what sucked was,
I never flew before,
so I didn't know that they were
making fun of me.
I actually thought
that they were helping me.
I'd be like, "Hey, man,
can you help me find Science?"
And they'd be like, "Yeah,
I think it's in, like,
terminal four."
And I'd be like,
"Oh, thank you so much.
I really appreciate it.
Thank you."
[laughter]
I, uh, dormed, dormed for--
I went to college
for a little bit.
I dormed.
Fucking hated it.
Does anybody here dorm?
[people cheer]
Yeah?
You go to NYU?
You go here?
No, where do you--
where do you gals go?
Oh, they go to Pace.
Whatever.
[laughter]
I feel like dorming, for girls,
is fun, though.
It is--you have fun
with your girlies, right?
Yeah, 'cause girls could, like,
get their periods together
and find out who "A" is
or whatever.
[laughter]
Yeah, there you are.
I know what girls do.
I hated dorming.
I think--I feel like dorming--
like, any guys in here dorm
right now?
You?
What's up, my man?
Where do you dorm?
- What?
- You dorm now?
- Yeah.
- Where at?
- 23rd.
- 23rd?
[laughter]
So is that a dorm for a school?
Yeah.
[laughs]
"Where do you go?"
"West 23rd and 8th."
[laughs]
For what? For here?
- NYU.
- NYU?
Oh, that's what's up.
How many people in your dorm?
- Uh, three girls.
- Three girls?
We don't have enough time.
[laughter]
We don't--if we weren't
shooting a special,
it would be an hour of just
finding out everything
about this young man.
One of them's your girlfriend?
- Ex-girlfriend.
- Ex-girlfriend?
[crowd exclaims]
So dope.
[laughter]
[applause]
You just walk in like a G.
Like, "'Sup, babe?"
Fucking walk away.
That's so dope.
When I went to college,
it was four dudes in a room,
like, maybe from, like, here...
to here.
It was four dudes--
it was awful.
We would all wake up
with boners
and look at each other,
and we would be like,
"This isn't what I thought
college would be at all."
Everybody has to shit.
Nobody wants to go first.
I fucking hated that.
I hated my roommates.
I remember one of them found out
he had the biggest dick
in the dorm.
And then all of a sudden,
he was making all of
the decisions all of a sudden.
He was like, "I think
we're gonna go bowling tonight."
I was like, "Oh, all right,
Big Dick Brian.
You know, whatever.
Yeah."
I used to jerk off
when they were there.
Fuck them.
I don't give a shit.
Yeah, fuck them.
I won every night.
They had no idea.
It was sick.
I was jerking off while
they were fucking typing.
Awesome.
I did it at night.
I didn't do it during the day.
I'm not a savage, all right?
Yeah, it wasn't like 4:00,
like, "Hey, what 's up, bro?
You ready for study hall?"
Like, it was, like, at night.
No, I like to help people.
This is how you jerk off
if you're sharing a room
with somebody.
Very simple.
You get a very big bag
of Doritos.
Doesn't have to be Doritos;
I just always go
with Doritos.
Get a big bag of chips, okay?
And then you start
crinkling it around
with your non-jerking-off hand,
right,
creating some sort
of an ambiance.
[laughter]
And then
while you're doing that,
you jerk off.
Yeah, they cancel
each other out.
My roommates just thought
I had a snack every night.
They're like, "Pete eats Doritos
every night
"for, like, a half hour and
doesn't share 'em with anybody.
"And then when he's done eating,
he goes, 'Oh, fuck!
"'Fuck!
Oh, fuck, yes!
Oh!'"
[applause]
First day of college,
I had this class,
and there was
a mentally challenged kid in it.
And I have no problem
with mentally challenged kids.
That would be very weird
if I did,
like if that was my beef,
if I was like, "Peace and love,
and fuck
mentally challenged kids."
You'd be like, "What's up
with this guy?"
The problem I had was,
I was also in that class.
Yeah, so, like, one thing
came to my mind
when I saw the kid.
I was first like, "Aw."
Then I was like,
"Huh, wait a second.
I was like, "Am I mentally
chall--like, is this--
"is this how
they're gonna tell me?
They're just gonna throw me in,
hope I figure it out?"
No, I wouldn't be surprised.
I was like, "Maybe I'm, like,
one of the better ones
"or something.
Maybe I'm their leader."
I had no idea.
By the way, I see a lot
of people getting sensitive
because mentally
challenged people
are a very sensitive topic.
I understand completely.
But to make you feel better,
I have a mentally challenged
cousin,
and I asked her
if I could do these jokes,
and she was like, "Ugh,
so it's completely fine.
She's very supportive,
loves me, okay?
She wasn't like, "Uh."
She was like, "Uh."
I know the difference.
It went up.
I remember I had to sit behind--
I had to sit behind
this mentally challenged kid,
you know, 'cause we were
in alphabetical order.
It just so happened we had
the same--close last name.
I got to sit behind him,
and, like--
I was like,
"This is, like, karma.
This is what I get for cheating
on every test in high school."
God's like, "Cheat now.
Have fun drawing dragons
on your test."
I'll never forget--
this is a true story.
I'm like,
not that good at comedy.
This is, like, a real thing
that happened.
I'll tell you.
We had movie day.
In college.
I'll tell you--yeah.
The teacher wheeled in a cart
and was like, "It's movie day."
And I was like, "Sick!"
And I was like, "Wait,
it's college."
Why did--"
I'll never forget this.
The teacher picked
"Forrest Gump," okay?
This is a true story,
and I'll never forget this.
Before he starts the movie,
he goes, "All right, class.
Who here saw 'Forrest Gump'?"
I swear to God the mentally
challenged kid just goes,
"I did, sir, and that's
my favorite movie."
And I laughed so fucking hard.
I laughed so hard,
and then I looked around.
Nobody else was laughing.
Even the mentally challenged kid
was like,
"Are you fucking serious
right now?
That's a nice dragon."
[laughter]
Been trying to smoke less weed.
If you are in this front row,
you know it's not working out
very well.
I don't want to quit;
I'm not, like, a pussy.
I just want to smoke, like,
at night.
I just would like
to not be high all the time.
It's hard, but I feel like,
you know,
I could
figure it out eventually.
It's not good--like,
when you don't smoke weed
for a little bit, like,
it's crazy.
Like, you have feelings.
You know, like,
something'll happen,
and I'll be like, "Hey,
I don't--I don't like that."
As opposed to, like, seven years
of just being like,
"It is what it is.
Swag or whatever."
I think I smoke weed
subconsciously.
Like, I don't even know
I'm doing it.
I'm serious.
Like, I think I smoke weed
so, like, if I fail,
in my head, I'll be like,
"Well, I was high,
so what did you expect?"
You know what I mean?
But if I accomplish something,
I'll be like,
"And I was fucking high!
Whoo!"
So it's like this--
I always win in my head.
This Christmas, I had
a couple weeks off.
I tried to go to rehab
for my mom,
as a Christmas gift.
But it's weird.
I tried to go to rehab
'cause I wanted
to smoke weed less.
Like, I didn't even
want to quit.
Don't tell anybody that
in rehab, by the way.
So I didn't have enough time
to think about it.
I was like, "I'll go to rehab."
So I asked my friends--
you know, people who know
about this stuff,
and I was like,
"Where should we go?
What's, like, the best place?"
They were like, "You should go
to a rehab facility in Utah."
Without even thinking,
booked the flight.
Did you know, when you book
a flight to Utah,
there is a layover in Denver?
[laughter]
And I was sitting
in the airport like,
"Is this part
of the fucking rehab?
"Like, do I--is this level one?
Do I have to get past this?"
Also, did you know that
there's rehabs everywhere?
You don't have to go to Utah.
I found that out,
'cause I got there,
and I was like, "Hi,
my name's Pete Davidson."
They're like,
"Oh, where you from?"
I was like,
"I live in Manhattan."
And they're like, "Oh, have you
heard about our facilities
in Manhattan?"
I was like, "No, I heard
about the one in Utah."
It's a weird thing,
going to rehab
when you want
to smoke weed less,
like not even quit,
because people are there
for crack and meth,
and I'm there 'cause, like,
I want to know
what food tastes like.
That's what happens, by the way,
when you stop smoking weed
for a little bit.
You'll be like, "Oh,
some food is not good."
First thing you do
when you get into a rehab is,
you check into detox.
I didn't know there was
no such thing
as detox for potheads.
So I should have known
something was up,
because I was in a line
waiting to check in,
and everybody in front of me
was shaking, and I wasn't.
And I felt uncomfortable.
I was like, "Fuck that.
I'm not gonna be
the odd man out in rehab."
So I started shaking myself.
I was like, "Oh,
kicked in later, you guys.
Fuck.
Holy shit."
I remember this guy
was just like,
"Hey, guys, I'm Joe.
"I do crack.
I died."
And then he was like,
"But they brought me back.
Ha ha!
Obviously!"
And I was like, "Ha ha.
Ha ha.
I don't know if that's funny."
And he was just like,
"This is my last shot."
Everybody was like,
"Thank you.
Thank you, Joe."
And I didn't know you thanked
them after, so I was late.
I was like, "Oh, thanks, Joe!"
And then everybody looked at me,
and I was like...
It had all these weird rules.
Very, very weird rules.
Like, they were like--
I wanted to watch "Crank 2."
The guy--there was a bunch
of people in the rehab.
I was like, "Yo,
you ever see 'Crank'?"
And the guy was like, "Oh, yeah,
it's one of my favorites."
I was like,
"You ever see 'Crank 2'?"
He was like, "No."
I was like, "How long
have you been in here?"
And I--like, in order
to watch "Crank 2,"
you have to fill out a form,
like, if you want
to watch something.
I was like, "Crank 2."
And they were like, "No,
you can't watch 'Crank 2,'"
"because there's drugs in it.
"There's sex in it.
There's violence in it.
"You know, what if someone
watches it
"and then it makes--gives them
the urge to go do that again
and it ruins their program?"
I was like, "That makes
no fucking sense."
That would never--like,
if that's the reason
why you're gonna withdraw,
like, you shouldn't be
in rehab anyway.
That's just how I feel.
Like, I doubt I'm ever gonna be
in a rehab meeting ever again
and someone's gonna be like,
"Hey, my name's Max.
"It's my second time back.
[scoffs]
'Crank 2.'"
Like...
I love smoking weed.
I'm probably never gonna stop,
to be honest with you.
[cheers and applause]
Yeah.
And I'm not doing it
for an applause.
It's just I have problems
and I need it,
and it makes me feel better.
So, like, I love smoking weed.
I love smoking weed
and driving.
It's my favorite.
- Whoo!
- Yeah.
I love being high
when I'm driving.
I'm like--I don't mind traffic.
I'm like, "Oh, company.
All right."
I'm like, "We're all in this
together, you guys."
You ever make friends
in traffic?
That's the fucking best.
Pull up to a stop,
go to the guy
next to you like...
The guy next to you is like...
I love to smoke weed.
I don't think
I would have any friends
if I didn't start smoking weed.
I wouldn't.
I wouldn't have any friends.
I've been friends with
my friends for seven years.
I don't know anything
about them,
but we get along very well.
Just been, like, seven years
of, like... [grunts]
And that's it.
"You hear that new song?"
"Yeah, it's dope."
Our whole friendship.
It's fucking amazing.
I love smoking weed
and watching movies.
It's my favorite.
You ever get so high,
you, like, watch the credits?
And you're like,
"Who directed this?
He did a good job."
I think that's what IMDB
was created for.
People would just get high,
and they're like,
"Where is this guy from?"
And then you're like,
"Oh, there he is!
He was in 'The Patriot'!"
One of my favorite movies
to watch high is "Jaws."
"Jaws" is one of
my favorite movies
because it was made in the '70s,
so when I watch it,
it looks like a movie.
Does that make sense?
It probably doesn't,
but when I watch a movie now,
I'm like,
"Oh, that could happen."
But because it's in the '70s,
I could tell--
I'll give you a couple examples.
Like, I love the way they talk
in "Jaws."
They talk very differently.
Like, there's a scene
where Richard Dreyfuss is--
wants to ask the mayor
if he can cut open the shark
to see if that little
Kintner boy's in there.
I'm glad you laughed, because
it always makes me laugh.
No, I'm serious;
it always makes me laugh.
I think it's just the visual
of, like,
what if the little boy
was actually in there?
You know, like, what if he,
like, cuts it open
and all of a sudden,
the boy's like...
[thudding]
"He was in there, Chief!"
That'd be hilarious.
I just like the way they talk
in "Jaws."
There's a scene.
Richard Dreyfuss wants to ask
the mayor
if he can cut open the shark,
and he's like, "Hey,
could I cut open the shark,
see if the little Kintner boy's
in there?"
And the mayor goes,
"I'll be damned
"if you cut open that shark
"and I see
that little Kintner boy
spill out all over the dock,"
and I'm like,
"That's fucking sick."
Nobody talks like that anymore.
If that scene was made today,
that whole scene would be like,
"Hey, can I cut open the shark?"
He'd be like, "Nah,
fucking do it later.
Don't want to get the dock dirty
and shit."
Also, I was watching "Jaws,"
I found out a scene that doesn't
actually belong in there.
It's not proven.
I just watched it,
and I was like--I felt...
Here's the scene.
So Richard Dreyfuss finally
is cutting open the shark.
And this fat guy
comes out of nowhere,
and he's just like, "Hey!
"Hey!
What type of shark is that?"
And Richard Dreyfuss goes,
"Uh, it's a tiger shark."
And then the fat guy goes,
"A what?"
That scene shouldn't be
in the fucking movie.
It makes no sense.
I was like, "What is that,
Spielberg's uncle?
What is that?"
It's probably his uncle.
He's like, "Stevie, are you
gonna put me in your movie?"
And he's like, "Yeah.
Can you say, 'A what?'"
He's like, "Can I fucking say
'A what?' Come on."
Another movie I watched high,
I actually really like.
I watched "The Vow" recently.
I love "The Vow."
If you don't know
what "The Vow" is,
it's Channing Tatum
and Rachel McAdams,
and they're married.
And in the first scene,
they get in a car accident,
and luckily she goes
through the windshield, and--
Oh, yeah, it's my favorite part.
And it's in slow motion,
so you get to enjoy it.
No, fuck that.
It's always the guy
going through the windshield,
and I was like,
"Oh, it's the girl."
I was like, "All right."
All right, Nicholas Sparks.
I see you.
I'm invested.
She goes through
the windshield.
She ends up losing her memory.
She doesn't remember
that she's married.
The movie should have been over
right there.
That's it.
Should have been a short film
about some bitch who should have
wore a seat belt.
That's all that needed to be.
Instead of that,
the rest of this movie,
this poor guy is trying
to make his wife
fall back in love with him,
'cause she don't remember him.
That would never happen.
I mean, maybe it would, but I--
I try to put myself, like,
in that situation
whenever I watch a movie,
and I wouldn't be able to do it,
if I'm being completely honest.
Like, if I get married to you
and you become a vegetable,
like, you're a vegetable now,
and I'm on the run,
'cause I'm not a vegetable.
If that was me, honestly,
and I walked
into my wife's room--
and I walk into a hospital,
I go to my wife's room,
and was like, "Oh!
Oh, my God, honey.
Are you okay?"
And she's like, "Who are you?"
I'd be like, "Oh, wrong room.
My bad.
Sorry to bother you, ma'am."
I would call up my friends,
be like, "Yo!
"Guess who don't remember?
I tried.
I said hello."
I've been thinking about
what I want to do with my life.
Trying to figure it out.
First thing is to find
a pair of pants that fit.
Like, I have a belt on,
and they still don't fit.
That's ridiculous.
No, I started wearing
skinny jeans,
'cause I heard it ruined
your come,
and I was like, "Sick.
Bring 'em on."
Yeah.
I'm a big supporter
of skinny jeans.
They ruin your balls.
It's a great brand.
That should be the commercial.
It should be, like, two people
fucking, coming inside,
and then him just
putting on skinny jeans.
"No bag?
No problem.
I was wearing skinnies."
I figured out
what I wanted to do.
I want to do commercials.
I want to be a spokesperson.
I don't want to do movies.
I don't want to do stand-up
anymore.
I really just want to be, like,
a commercial guy,
like an AT&T guy.
They're like, "Hey,
you need a fucking phone?"
Like, I'll be that guy forever.
No problem.
"Hey, you need a fucking phone?"
But I was talking to my friends.
Some people hate spokespeople.
Some people do not like
spokespeople at all.
You know, like whenever
I'm watching TV
and my friend's over
to my house
and I'm watching TV
and Flo, the Progressive lady,
comes on,
immediately the person I'm with
is like,
"Oh, this fucking bitch."
And I'm like, "What? Why?"
I mean, I agree,
but, like, why?
Why do we hate her so much?
My friend was like,
"Is that what you want to be?
You want to be Flo?"
I was like, "I'm sure
she has friends.
"Like, I'm sure.
I'm sure she's not alone
on the weekends."
And I was like, "Look at Jared."
I'm like, "He's the worst one
out of all of them."
No, some people don't know
what happened with Jared,
and I love to tell them.
Literally my favorite thing
in the world,
when I go, "Did you hear
about Jared?"
And they go, "No."
I'm like, "Well, I hope
you have a half hour."
If you don't know
what happened with Jared,
basically he fucked
a bunch of kids.
[people groan]
Once you fuck a kid,
it's over for you.
There's no coming back
from fucking a kid.
Get that in your head now.
I'm serious.
Once you fuck a kid,
it is over.
So it's very hard for Jared
to ever come back.
He will never come back.
And there's only one way
the place that he was repping
can come back,
and I figured out how--
is if I am the new spokesperson
and I play one of the kids
that Jared fucked.
[laughter]
[applause]
And I'm like, "Hey, guys,
I'm Timmy."
I don't know;
I feel like Timmy would be
a kid that would get fucked.
Like, if I was a pedophile
at a playground
and I was like,
"What's your name?"
and he was like, "Timmy,"
I'd be like,
"Oh, I'm gonna fucking fuck
the shit out of him."
"What about me?"
"Shut up, Connor.
Nobody wants to fuck you."
Fucking Connor,
always trying to get raped.
No, I would be like,
"Hey, guys.
"You know, my name's Timmy.
"I'm one of the kids
that Jared molested.
"It's a very unfortunate
situation,
"but the sandwiches
are still great.
"He didn't fuck the sandwiches.
"You can still eat the sandwich.
"He fucked my little boy
booty hole
but not the sandwich."
[groans and laughter]
I'm a hypochondriac.
I am.
I'm a psycho.
I'm very crazy.
I know I'm crazy,
so, like, it's kind of okay.
But it's really not.
[laughter]
You know?
Like, I wake up every day,
and I'm like,
"I have not been arrested yet."
And I'm like, "Good job."
I'm a hypochondriac.
I always worry about my dick.
I don't know about anybody else,
but I'm always worried
about my dick.
How are you? Do you always worry
about your dick, dude?
- It's good.
- It's good?
Oh, well, aren't you
the fucking most confident man
in the world?
Oh, fucking Mr. Dos Equis
over there.
"Hey, you ever worry
about your dick?"
"No, I'm fine, man."
"Oh, fuck you, dude.
That was--"
"Actually, never in my life.
My dick is perfect."
I always worry about my dick.
I always freak out
for no reason.
Like...
here's how I thought
that you could get something.
Like, I'm sure every guy
can relate to this.
This ruins my day
whenever it happens.
Whenever I have to take a shit
in a public place
and my dick touches
the toilet seat,
it ruins my day immediately.
I'm like, "Oh, my God,
I just got everything
in this place."
My dick starts, like,
coiling back,
'cause, like,
it knows what it did.
And so I'm like, "No, fuck you."
I actually told
my doctor that once.
I was like,
"Before you take a look,
I think I know what it is."
I'm like, "You ever take
a shit in a McDonald's
"and your dick touches
the toilet seat?
I think that's where
I got this from."
And he's like,
"That's not possible."
And I was like,
"Well, you're the doctor,
I'm just trying to help."
I like going to free clinics,
'cause they know what's up.
You know, nobody goes
to a free clinic for chemo.
Everybody goes to a free clinic
'cause they had fun yesterday.
I like to go to this free clinic
in Brooklyn
'cause it's very well run.
That's right; you could Yelp
other things besides food.
And I went in,
and it's very well run.
The first thing--they don't
waste any of your time.
It's great.
The first thing they do,
they prick your finger
to test you for AIDS,
they give you a number,
and then you sit
with everybody else.
And then while you wait
to see the doctor,
they'll call your number,
tell you your AIDS result.
[person groans]
Yeah.
It's like bingo.
It's sick.
It's fucking best establishment
in Brooklyn.
Maybe I'm not painting
a good picture enough.
A nurse will literally come out
to the waiting room
and be like, "33! No!"
And 33's like...
[applause]
34's in the corner like, "Fuck!
"It's been seven 'no's in a row!
Due for a yes."
I've never seen a "yes"
yelled out.
I've never seen
a "yes" yelled out.
Like, I've never been there
and a lady's been like,
"Uh, 34?
Yeah, you have AIDS."
Like, that's never happened.
I don't know what they would do.
What do you think
they would do?
I'm sure they would just, like,
take you into a room
and throw you
a Magic Johnson jersey
and be like,
"Welcome to the team, bro."
Come on. Be positive.
Don't be negative.
I gotta tell you
a funny story
about Heavy, my boy Heavy.
So I'm--I'm a--
I hate everybody,
but I won't let you know it.
Like, I'll be really pissed
or not having a good time.
You'll never be able to tell.
Heavy, exact opposite.
Something's wrong,
you know about it immediately.
It's why I love
bringing him places, right?
So me and him, we go
to the Justin Bieber concert.
We get very fucked up.
We're like, "Let's go see
the Biebs."
No, he puts on a great show.
He really does.
He puts on a sick show.
You should go see him.
Don't fucking clap;
this is my time.
But seriously,
you should go see him.
He does put on a great show,
okay?
Now enough ball washing
for him, all right.
So me and him,
we're really fucked up.
We're very late.
We're, like, an hour late
to the concert.
And we have front row.
We have, like,
seats over here, okay?
We're late.
We get there.
There are these two
little girls.
They could--
eight years old, tops.
In our seats,
having the fucking
time of their lives.
Like, you couldn't tell
these girls nothing.
Like, they were having just
the sweetest, best time ever.
So I go to Heavy,
and I'm like, "Listen.
"You're 30.
I'm 22."
I'm like, "Let's give
these kids their seats,
"let them have a nice fun time,
and we'll just hang
in the back."
And Heavy goes, "Uh,
abso-fucking-lutely not."
And I swear to God he goes up
to these two little kids
and he goes, "Um, excuse me,
little princesses.
Uh, are these your seats?"
And they go, "No, mister."
And he goes,
"Uh, then get the fuck out.
One time."
And then, like,
without skipping a beat,
he's like,
"This is gonna be sick.
We're gonna have
some fucking fun."
I've been--I watch
a lot of porn.
Like, I could post
a Throwback Thursday photo
of me jerking off.
And, um...
Like, I do.
I watch a lot of porn.
And I noticed something.
I don't know if you're
an avid porn user,
but online,
there's no new porn
unless you pay for it.
So I've been watching
some of the classics.
No problem.
I can watch some classics.
Yeah.
But I noticed something
that I don't like in porn.
Because I've been the same porns
over and over,
I'm noticing new things,
you know?
Like, this is something
I really don't like.
I don't like
when male porn stars moan.
Yeah, what the fuck's up
with that?
It's like,
"You're a professional.
Act like you been there before."
Yeah.
And you know,
as a male porn star,
like, guys are jerking off
to this,
so why would you moan so loud?
You know
how distracting that is?
Have some fucking respect
for your fans, seriously.
I was watching this porn
the other day,
and the guy was like,
"Oh, yeah!
"Fuck!
Fuck, yeah!"
And I was like,
"What a fucking weirdo."
I'm like, "Will you
shut the fuck up
so I could fucking come, please,
you fucking weirdo?"
I don't make any noise
when I have sex.
Zero.
I'm jammin'.
Nothing. "Please" and "thank
you" the whole way through.
I don't even make noise
when I come.
When I come,
I'm just kind of like...
Yeah, like I just had
an epiphany or something.
Like, "Oh, my keys.
They're in my jeans."
Like, that's how I come.
"Don't forget
to turn the oven off."
That's how I literally come.
If I'm drunk, I'll yell out
one thing when I come.
I'll tell you what it is.
Okay?
There's this one thing
I yell out
when I'm drunk when I come.
This is the one thing.
Okay, I don't know
if any of you
are familiar with the film
"101 Dalmatians."
There is a scene
in "101 Dalmatians"
when Jeff Daniels' puppy
gives birth, okay?
And this lady taking care
of the puppies,
she's like, "There's 14 puppies.
"One of them died.
There were supposed to be 15,
but there's 14."
And Jeff Daniels,
being the goddamn genius
of an actor that he is,
out of the corner of his eye
notices the 15th puppy,
that they thought was dead,
is starting to wiggle,
so it's alive.
And he looks at the lady,
and he goes, "No.
"Not 14.
"15!
15 puppies!"
So I yell that when I come now,
which is a huge step up
from "sorry."
[cheers and applause]
Anybody here ever do 'shrooms?
[people cheer]
Like, I'm afraid to do drugs,
'cause I love them.
Like, whenever I'm about
to do a drug,
I need to do it with a friend.
That way, if I die,
he dies too.
For some reason,
that would be so much better
for my mom to find out.
Like, if two of us died,
it's not as bad as just me.
Does that make sense?
No, I'm serious,
'cause if I just died,
my mom's like,
"What a fucking drug addict."
But if it's me
and another friend,
and it'd be like,
"That bad influence, Ryan.
I always said
he was no good for my son."
I picked my friend Ryan
to do 'shrooms with me.
My friend Ryan,
some of you might know.
Some of you might not.
He's this 6'5", 250-pound
black dude
from Flatbush, Brooklyn.
Okay, he's been to jail
a bunch of times
for real shit, not for, like,
hoping a turnstile.
For, like, murder, okay?
He didn't do it, and...
Yeah.
He's nice to me.
So I--before I do a drug,
I usually Google
the best and worst thing
that could happen.
Probably not a good idea,
but, again,
I'm not a smart person.
Let me tell you
how not smart I am, okay?
This is how not smart
of a person I am.
I thought Chicago was a state
until a week ago--
Not done.
Only reason why I found out
Chicago is not a state
is 'cause I was in Chicago,
doing a show,
came out, and said, "Wonderful
to be in the state of Chicago."
Nobody said anything.
Nobody said anything
till the end of the show.
So I did a whole show with
"state of Chicago" confidence.
That's how fucking stupid I am.
So I looked up--
I was like,
"What's the best thing
that could happen to you
on 'shrooms?"
Best review I saw was,
"I did 'shrooms,
"I saw the world,
and I feel like
I'm a better person now."
And I was like, "Hey,
that's a great review."
200 likes.
Nice.
Reliable.
Worst review of 'shrooms:
"Don't do 'em.
Jumped out of my window."
500 likes.
I was like, "Fuck.
I have two windows.
So there's doubly the chance."
So I got Ryan in my apartment,
and I got a guy,
a man, to come over
to install child locks
on my windows.
And he got to my house,
and he was putting in
the child locks,
and he was like, "Oh, my God,
this is so sweet.
When's the baby due?"
And I was like,
"There's no baby.
Me and him are doing 'shrooms."
So we do 'shrooms,
and then nothing happens
for about an hour.
And you know when people
do drugs or drink
and they just brag about
how not fucked up they are
and it's the most annoying thing
eve--
To me, it really bothers me
whenever someone's like,
"Drank 14 beers.
I don't feel shit."
And it's like, "Oh,
maybe you're autistic, then,
"because you should be
fucked up completely,
to be honest with you."
So we were getting a little mad
that it wasn't working,
so we turn on this movie
with Al Pacino
and Christopher Walken.
It's a new movie, so just know
they already look scary.
I'm on my phone for, like,
20 minutes, just scrolling.
And you know how when you scroll
and it--the little loading bar
comes up
so the next page can come up?
There was no loading bar.
There was just pages coming up.
So I was just like, "Oh, wow,
my wi-fi is sick."
Like, I was very into my wi-fi.
I was like, "Netgear 32
killing it right now."
Fucking flying through
everything,
no loady bar.
I was very excited.
Ryan goes, "Yo.
Is Al Pacino orange?"
And I'm scrolling,
and I looked up,
and he was,
but it didn't bother me.
I went back on my phone.
I was like, "Yeah, he is."
Really bothered Ryan,
'cause now Ryan was hiding
under a Snuggie, shaking.
And he said, "Yo, bro,
call me when this is over."
[laughter]
So I was freaking out.
I was like, "Already
the safest guy
"that I picked
to do 'shrooms with
"is already hiding
under my Snuggie.
I'm fucked."
And I'm sort of panicking
and freaking out.
I can't do this alone, you know?
I can't do anything alone.
So I told Ryan, I was like,
"Listen.
"I'm going to go downstairs,
tell the doorman
we're very high on 'shrooms
in case anything happens,"
to which Ryan goes, "Why
the fuck would you do that?"
And I said, "So he knows."
It makes no sense,
but at the time,
it made so much sense to me.
He's like,
"Why would you do that?"
Like, "Why the fuck
would you do that?"
"So he knows."
Guy with the questions.
So then I got in the elevator.
It went down one floor,
and it stopped.
The alarm went off.
And I was freaking out.
I was like, "Fuck.
I'm fucked.
I-I need to get out of here."
So I started punching
the elevator,
trying to open it.
I was freaking out.
I was staring at my fist.
I was like, "If it ever
would happen,
"it would happen now.
"Wolverine!
Come on, one time.
Wolverine one time."
It didn't happen, obviously.
I wouldn't be here right now.
I got downstairs.
Okay, elevator doors opened.
I was too afraid to get out,
'cause I was afraid
it wouldn't go back up.
Makes no sense, but at the time,
huge fucking problem.
I was like, "What if
it don't go back up?"
So I just stuck my head out
to the doorman,
and I was like, "Hey, it's Pete,
third floor.
"If anything happens,
me and my friend Ryan,
we're really high on 'shrooms."
And he looked at it like this,
and then the door
just fucking closed
in his face.
[applause]
I got back upstairs
into my apartment.
Two windows open, no Ryan.
[crowd exclaims]
To which I said,
"I fucking knew it.
"I knew this would happen.
500 people liked it."
And then Ryan goes, "Yo,
my bad about the windows.
I'm in the bathroom."
I was like, "All right.
Okay."
Now, normally, I don't care
when my friends
are in the bathroom
for over an hour.
And I don't ask
what's going on in there.
But we were both on 'shrooms,
and it was over an hour.
So I was like, "Hey, Ryan,
what the fuck's going on
in there?"
And he was like, "Bro,
you got to get in here."
Ryan's been to jail.
So I was like,
"Is this Jail Ryan,
or is this my friend Ryan
that we all know and love?"
I get in there.
This is a true--
This is exactly what's going on.
He's naked,
in his boxers, flexing,
having the fucking time
of his life,
just flexing.
He's like, "Ugh, yeah.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Yeah."
I'm like, "What's up, bro?
Like, what's going on?"
And he's like, "I'm the Hulk."
And I didn't know
what he was talking about.
I was like, "What do you mean,
you're the Hulk?"
He goes, "Don't you see?
I'm green.
I'm the very first
black Hulk."
And he kept flexing,
and I was like,
"I don't--I don't get it."
And he was like,
"Look in the mirror."
This is the only time
that I tripped.
I looked at Ryan like this,
looked at him into the mirror.
He turned green into the mirror,
and I was like,
"Oh, my God, you are the Hulk.
Congratulations.
This is sick."
So then I got a little cocky,
and I was like, "Perhaps
I'm also the Hulk."
And I took my shirt off,
and I just looked very sick.
I was like, "I need
to get out of here immediately."
Ryan gets on the couch.
We're watching--we're about
to watch the rest of this movie.
The second we hit "play,"
it's a scene
where Al Pacino comes out
from behind a corner
and goes, "Hello!"
And we were like, "Fuck that.
That's the scariest thing
I've ever seen in my life."
So we shut it off.
It was horrifying
seeing this 75-year-old
orange person go, "Hello."
It was fucking terrifying.
So now me and Ryan
are both high on 'shrooms,
shirtless under our Snuggies,
just shaking,
holding each other.
And then my mom texts me, okay?
My mom sends the worst possible
text she could send
when someone's
violently high on 'shrooms.
She sends me, "Pete,
just want to let you know
"I'm so proud of you.
"I love everything you're doing.
You make such smart decisions,
and Dad would be very proud."
And then I just started crying.
I was like, "Aw, man!
"My mom's all proud.
"I'm on 'shrooms.
I wasn't even the Hulk."
Like, it was just this whole
fucked-up bad day.
And then Ryan goes,
"Shut the fuck up."
And you know when you're crying
and your friend don't care,
it makes you cry more?
When you're like, "Uhhh,"
and you're friend's like, "Uh,"
and you're like, "Uh?"
Like....
[laughter]
"Uh?
Please care."
So it made me cry more.
I was like, "What do you mean?
Like, what--who does that?"
And he was like, "Bro,
seriously, shut the fuck up.
I'm gonna punch you
in the face."
I was like, "Well, why can't you
just be my friend?
Why can't you just be there
for me?"
And he was like,
"'Cause I miss my mom too!"
And then he started crying,
and then we both held each other
and cried under my Snuggie.
And then the 'shroom trip
was over,
and then Ryan did
the funniest thing
I've ever seen anybody do.
He took the Snuggie off,
and he dabbed his eyes with it.
And then he looked at me,
and he went,
"Oh!
"Yo, Pete, 'shrooms?
Incredible."
[laughter]
[applause]
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
So we'll do some 911 jokes,
and then we'll get the fuck
out of here.
How's that sound?
[laughs]
It's hard to transition
into anything.
I don't have--I don't know
if you've noticed anything
about my comedy, but there's--
there's not many transitions.
It's very, like,
"Dick, fuck, Dad."
Like, it's, like,
very straightforward,
easy-listening comedy.
Like, it's not
the Kendrick Lamar--
I'm very French Montana
of comedy.
Like, every show, I feel like
I should just be like, "Huh!"
And you'll be like, "Aha!
I get it."
So, yeah, my dad,
if you don't know,
he was a fireman.
He died 9/11.
He was a very good dude.
And I have a lot
of jokes about it,
and if you don't like
the first one,
you probably
won't like the rest.
What's cool about your dad dying
on 9/11...
[someone laughs]
Is--besides the free parking,
is also--
[someone groans]
0 for 1, skirball.
[scattered applause]
That's not the only good thing
about your dad dying; come on.
No, the cool thing about my dad
dying and being a fireman
was, like, now I get
all of his fireman gear.
So whenever I smoke weed
in New York City,
I wear it.
Yeah, so now people just think
I'm a shitty fireman.
But I'll be so high,
I'll forget.
Like, people will come up
to me and be like,
"You're a fucking disgrace!"
And I'll be like,
"You're a fucking disgrace!"
I'll be like, "Oh, shit,
I'm a lieutenant.
"I forgot.
I'm very sorry.
Have a good day, ma'am!"
I didn't really care
when my dad died.
It didn't bother me very much,
because I was seven.
You don't understand things
when you're seven, you know?
If it happened now,
I'd be in a world of trouble,
but I'm actually--
it's weird to say this--
I'm lucky it happened
when I was seven.
I know that sounds weird,
but it's the real thing.
Like, I remember my dad died,
and my mom was like,
"Your dad's dead, but
we got you a PlayStation 2."
And I was like, "Yeah, cool."
I was like, "That seems
about even.
It's pretty fair."
No, I'm serious.
I really didn't care.
I was like, "I'm gonna
push my mom down the stairs
and get a PS3."
I was fucking ridiculous.
It's my new life
of murder and toys.
What's weird is, my grandma
on my mom's side, my mom's mom,
she's--her birthday's on 9/11,
and she never liked my dad.
crowd: Oh!
- Kind of fishy, isn't it?
[laughter]
I always wanted to ask her.
I always wanted to be like,
"Hey, Grandma,
"on the low,
did you make any wishes?"
No, every year, my grandma's
birthday comes around,
and she's like,
"I'm not gonna celebrate it."
And I'm always like, "Why?
Did something happen?"
I want to get a tattoo.
I want to get my dad's initials.
It's a very, like, Italian,
Staten Island thing to do.
I feel like Italian people
are almost, like, waiting
for someone in their family
to die
so they can go get a tattoo.
I'm serious--
You ever been to, like,
an Italian funeral or wake
and the son
of whoever died
has, like, the prayer card
going down their side?
You know, like, how the fuck
did you do that already?
And it's, like, healed.
I, um--
I want to get my dad's initials,
you know.
I want to get it tattooed on me.
I feel like
it would be very cool.
But I found out recently
I can't.
I don't know why
I never noticed it.
I guess I just never
paid attention,
but my dad's initials
are SMD.
Yeah.
That's why we named
the special "SMD,"
but SMD
also has other meanings,
like, for instance,
"suck my dick."
That's the more popular meaning,
believe it or not.
So my friends are like,
"You can't get that tattoo,
because people will think
you're an asshole."
You know?
And I agree.
I'm like, "You're right.
I shouldn't."
But then I thought about it.
I was like, "I should."
I was like, "I could only win."
I was like, "If someone has
the balls to bring it up to me,
oh, I would win, like,
so fast."
Like, I will never lose.
It's so dope.
Think about that.
I'll have it on my neck.
Fucking having a good time.
Girls come up to me,
and they're like,
"You're a fucking pig."
All I got to do is be like:
[whimpers]
"Actually,
it's my dead dad's initials."
And then they'll feel so bad,
they'll probably
suck my dick.
Hey, guys, you've been amazing.
Thank you.
Thank you for coming out.
Thank you very much.
[cheers and applause]
- All day, all day
Every day, every day
We was on that block
until...
- Yeah!
[cheers and applause continue]
- Pete Davidson, guys.
All right, yeah.
[vocal music]
- Uh-uh, yeah
Uh, uh-uh-uh,
yeah, yeah, yeah
Uh, uh-uh, yeah, uh
Uh, uh, uh,
yeah, yeah, yeah
[music continues]
All day, all day
Every day,
every day
We was on that block
Until we made a way,
made a way
Day to day, man
That's the only way,
only way
They gon' know my name
until it fade away
Fade away, fade away,
fade away
Fade--fade away, way, way
Fade away
[cheers and applause]
Fade away, fade away,
fade away, fade away
They gon' my name
Until I fade, fade, fade
- What up?
[cheers and applause continue]
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
It's very nice--
nice to be home.
Very nice to be in New York.
[people cheer]
I, uh--
I had a pretty--
[man yells]
Yup.
[laughter]
You know how you know
someone's from Staten Island?
[laughter]
They let you know that they're
from Staten Island.
If you don't know
what Staten Island is,
it's like New York's abortion
that lived.
[laughter]
It's a shitty place.
Nah, there's good people
everywhere
but, like, not in Staten Island
at all.
Yeah, like, everybody could die
on Staten Island,
and I wouldn't lose sleep
over it at all.
I'd be like, "Oh, I guess
I got to find
a new Xanax dealer."
Like, that's about it.
No, it's nice to be home.
I had a--I had a fucked-up week.
I had a long week.
I had to fly Cape Air.
I don't know if anybody's
ever flown Cape Air,
but I'll tell you what it is.
It's a Volvo
that flies.
It's a Volvo with wings.
Um, first thing,
you pull up to the airport.
I didn't even know it was
the Cape Air airport,
because it looked like
a post office.
So I told the Uber driver,
I was like, "Listen.
I think
we're at the post office."
And he was like, "No,
this is the airport."
And I was like, "Well, okay."
First thing you do
when you get in there--
there's one lady
working in the airport.
And when I got in there,
I was very, like--
I was like,
"What the fuck's going on?"
And she was like, "Okay,
weigh your carry-on."
I was like, "That seems normal."
I've weighed my carry-on before.
And she was like,
"Now weigh your backpack."
I was like, "Well,
that's a little odd."
I've never really weighed
my backpack,
but, you know, maybe
there's not a lot going on
at Cape Air.
Maybe she's just trying
to get a good work in.
Like, you know what I mean?
So I weighed my backpack.
And then she was like,
"Now you."
[laughter]
I was like, "Why--why do I
have to be weighed?"
And she was like, "Well,
we have to weigh everybody
"so we know where to seat you
on the plane
"so it doesn't topple over.
'Cause it's not like
a regular plane."
And I was like, "Did you
just say 'regular plane'?
Why the fuck is that okay?"
It was terrifying.
We walk to the plane.
You could sit shotgun
with the pilot,
like he's your buddy
from college.
The pilot was trying
to give us a speech before.
It was crazy.
He was just like,
"All right, guys.
"Before we take off on Cape Air,
"I just want to let you know
"pretty much
the most important rule.
You guys know how,
on a regular plane..."
I was like, "What's with this
fucking 'regular plane' thing?"
I was like, "Get a new spiel."
He was like, "You know,
when you're on a regular plane,
"they're like,
'Turn your phones off,'
"but you really don't have
to turn your phone off?
"On this plane,
turn your fucking phones off.
All right, everybody have
a safe flight, all right."
Just happy to be home.
Very--getting a little older.
And when you say that
and you're 22,
people immediately think
you're a dick.
But, like, I'm the oldest
I've ever been.
So, like, to me,
I've been around.
Like, I've noticed
little things getting older,
like now I can't get hard
by just, like, looking
at a picture of a girl.
Yeah, I can't do it anymore.
At first, I thought I was gay.
I was like, "Oh, no,
I'm gay now."
I was like,
"That's what this means."
No, I didn't know, like,
when you get older,
you can't just, like, get hard.
I didn't know you have to, like,
bat it around
and get it going, you know?
I used to be able to get hard,
any picture of a girl.
She didn't have to be naked.
As long as she was kind of
like this,
like, I could always just
jerk off
if there's some sort of a tilt.
My mom's cool, man.
She's getting old now.
It's kind of sad.
Like, she just turned 46,
and, like...
[laughter]
Yeah, she still works and...
she still drives.
She's a trouper.
I don't know how she does it.
[applause]
No, every day
that woman gets up,
I'm like, "You're amazing."
My mom's so old,
it's like it's cute now.
Like, whenever she does
anything,
I find it adorable
and I'm proud.
Like, I talked to my mom
the other day.
She was like, "Last night,
I got home
"at, like, 11:30.
I just--I went out for
some drinks with my friends."
And I was like, "Fuck, yeah,
you did.
Fucking Amy.
Let's go."
It's weird;
my mom's single.
It's a very weird thing.
My mom's single.
My sister's a teenager.
It's very weird, you know,
'cause whenever one of them
brings a dude home,
I don't know who he's for.
[laughter]
Like, when I answer the door,
I don't know if I'm supposed to,
like, beat him up
or, like, play catch.
Like, I have no idea.
I'm like, "Are you my new dad?
You want you see my room?"
I give my mom a lot of credit.
She--she had to do
a lot of weird shit.
You know, she had to--
like, my mom had to buy me
condoms.
I feel like that's a dad's job.
I mean, I never had a dad,
but I assume that's, like,
the dad's job.
Like, in my head, how I would
get condoms from my dad is,
we would be having a catch,
and then all of a sudden,
a huge box of condoms
would appear in his hand,
and he'd be like, "Go long!"
And he would throw it,
and then I would catch it,
and he'd be like...
I don't know;
I don't have a dad.
But I assume that's, like,
how it goes down.
I tell you how
it's not supposed to go down.
I got home from school.
I was, like,
a sophomore in high school.
And my mom was like, "Hey,
I left a little present
for you on your bed."
I was very excited.
I was like, "Oh, my God,
perhaps it's sneakers."
I was very---there was
endless possibilities.
It could be DVDs.
Those were hot at the time.
It could have been
a million things.
I get up there.
It's a 50-pack of condoms.
Every variety, every brand.
And I just wanted to be like,
"Mom,
"who the fuck do you think
your son is?
"Like, I never even
brought a friend home.
"Like, what made you think
I was out there,
"like, slinging pussy?
"I hang out with you
every night.
"Do you want to fuck me?
Do you want to fuck me, Mom?
No, let's fuck.
I'm mad now."
Me and my mom
are really close now.
I--this is how close
me and my mom are.
Like, I send my mom pictures
of my dick
whenever I'm worried.
Easy.
[laughter]
She's a nurse.
She's a nurse, so I figure
whenever, like, I get
a dot or something,
rather than go see the doctor,
I can just cut out
the middleman,
send it to my mom.
[people groan]
That's not--no, fuck you.
I don't like that.
You know, maybe you guys aren't
just that close
with your mothers.
Yeah, me and my mom
are on a dick level.
No, like--no, here's an example.
Like, if there was a line
of dudes
waiting to show their dick
to my mom, right--
it's her lucky day.
I--I could cut that line,
because I'm with the family.
You understand?
No, I would send my mom pics.
I'd be like, "Hey, Mom,
sorry to bother you,
but, you know, do you see
anything wrong here?"
And she'd be like, "Yeah, Pete.
Definitely something wrong."
And I'd be like, "What?"
She's like, "You're sending me
pictures of your dick.
"What the fuck's wrong with you?
I'm a school nurse."
Oh.
[applause]
She was like,
"Put a Band-Aid on it.
I don't know."
No, I was--I was a loser
in high school.
It was my fault, though.
Like, I realize it's my fault.
I went to three different
high schools, okay?
The first high school I went to,
I was like, "Wow, everybody here
is a fucking asshole."
And then I got
to another high school,
and I was like, "Wow,
lightning strikes twice.
Everybody here
is a fucking asshole too."
And then I got
to the third high school,
and I was like, "Oh, it's me."
I was like, "It was me
the whole time."
I looked down.
I had a rolling school bag.
I was like, "Perhaps I had
something to do with this.
I think it might have been
my fault."
No, fuck that!
Why is the rolling school bag
the gay one?
I never understood that.
That makes no sense to me.
Grown--grown adults--
"You're a fucking loser.
You have a rolling school bag."
I never understood that.
What, do you want to carry
your books like a peasant?
That makes no sense to me.
Fucking roll down the hallways
like a G,
all your fucking textbooks.
"What you doing?"
"Studying, motherfucker."
Like, why is that--
why was it lame?
I never understood that.
I had a rolling school bag
for four years.
I loved it.
Yeah, even though I looked
like I was waiting for a flight
for, like, four years.
People used to make fun of me,
and what sucked was,
I never flew before,
so I didn't know that they were
making fun of me.
I actually thought
that they were helping me.
I'd be like, "Hey, man,
can you help me find Science?"
And they'd be like, "Yeah,
I think it's in, like,
terminal four."
And I'd be like,
"Oh, thank you so much.
I really appreciate it.
Thank you."
[laughter]
I, uh, dormed, dormed for--
I went to college
for a little bit.
I dormed.
Fucking hated it.
Does anybody here dorm?
[people cheer]
Yeah?
You go to NYU?
You go here?
No, where do you--
where do you gals go?
Oh, they go to Pace.
Whatever.
[laughter]
I feel like dorming, for girls,
is fun, though.
It is--you have fun
with your girlies, right?
Yeah, 'cause girls could, like,
get their periods together
and find out who "A" is
or whatever.
[laughter]
Yeah, there you are.
I know what girls do.
I hated dorming.
I think--I feel like dorming--
like, any guys in here dorm
right now?
You?
What's up, my man?
Where do you dorm?
- What?
- You dorm now?
- Yeah.
- Where at?
- 23rd.
- 23rd?
[laughter]
So is that a dorm for a school?
Yeah.
[laughs]
"Where do you go?"
"West 23rd and 8th."
[laughs]
For what? For here?
- NYU.
- NYU?
Oh, that's what's up.
How many people in your dorm?
- Uh, three girls.
- Three girls?
We don't have enough time.
[laughter]
We don't--if we weren't
shooting a special,
it would be an hour of just
finding out everything
about this young man.
One of them's your girlfriend?
- Ex-girlfriend.
- Ex-girlfriend?
[crowd exclaims]
So dope.
[laughter]
[applause]
You just walk in like a G.
Like, "'Sup, babe?"
Fucking walk away.
That's so dope.
When I went to college,
it was four dudes in a room,
like, maybe from, like, here...
to here.
It was four dudes--
it was awful.
We would all wake up
with boners
and look at each other,
and we would be like,
"This isn't what I thought
college would be at all."
Everybody has to shit.
Nobody wants to go first.
I fucking hated that.
I hated my roommates.
I remember one of them found out
he had the biggest dick
in the dorm.
And then all of a sudden,
he was making all of
the decisions all of a sudden.
He was like, "I think
we're gonna go bowling tonight."
I was like, "Oh, all right,
Big Dick Brian.
You know, whatever.
Yeah."
I used to jerk off
when they were there.
Fuck them.
I don't give a shit.
Yeah, fuck them.
I won every night.
They had no idea.
It was sick.
I was jerking off while
they were fucking typing.
Awesome.
I did it at night.
I didn't do it during the day.
I'm not a savage, all right?
Yeah, it wasn't like 4:00,
like, "Hey, what 's up, bro?
You ready for study hall?"
Like, it was, like, at night.
No, I like to help people.
This is how you jerk off
if you're sharing a room
with somebody.
Very simple.
You get a very big bag
of Doritos.
Doesn't have to be Doritos;
I just always go
with Doritos.
Get a big bag of chips, okay?
And then you start
crinkling it around
with your non-jerking-off hand,
right,
creating some sort
of an ambiance.
[laughter]
And then
while you're doing that,
you jerk off.
Yeah, they cancel
each other out.
My roommates just thought
I had a snack every night.
They're like, "Pete eats Doritos
every night
"for, like, a half hour and
doesn't share 'em with anybody.
"And then when he's done eating,
he goes, 'Oh, fuck!
"'Fuck!
Oh, fuck, yes!
Oh!'"
[applause]
First day of college,
I had this class,
and there was
a mentally challenged kid in it.
And I have no problem
with mentally challenged kids.
That would be very weird
if I did,
like if that was my beef,
if I was like, "Peace and love,
and fuck
mentally challenged kids."
You'd be like, "What's up
with this guy?"
The problem I had was,
I was also in that class.
Yeah, so, like, one thing
came to my mind
when I saw the kid.
I was first like, "Aw."
Then I was like,
"Huh, wait a second.
I was like, "Am I mentally
chall--like, is this--
"is this how
they're gonna tell me?
They're just gonna throw me in,
hope I figure it out?"
No, I wouldn't be surprised.
I was like, "Maybe I'm, like,
one of the better ones
"or something.
Maybe I'm their leader."
I had no idea.
By the way, I see a lot
of people getting sensitive
because mentally
challenged people
are a very sensitive topic.
I understand completely.
But to make you feel better,
I have a mentally challenged
cousin,
and I asked her
if I could do these jokes,
and she was like, "Ugh,
so it's completely fine.
She's very supportive,
loves me, okay?
She wasn't like, "Uh."
She was like, "Uh."
I know the difference.
It went up.
I remember I had to sit behind--
I had to sit behind
this mentally challenged kid,
you know, 'cause we were
in alphabetical order.
It just so happened we had
the same--close last name.
I got to sit behind him,
and, like--
I was like,
"This is, like, karma.
This is what I get for cheating
on every test in high school."
God's like, "Cheat now.
Have fun drawing dragons
on your test."
I'll never forget--
this is a true story.
I'm like,
not that good at comedy.
This is, like, a real thing
that happened.
I'll tell you.
We had movie day.
In college.
I'll tell you--yeah.
The teacher wheeled in a cart
and was like, "It's movie day."
And I was like, "Sick!"
And I was like, "Wait,
it's college."
Why did--"
I'll never forget this.
The teacher picked
"Forrest Gump," okay?
This is a true story,
and I'll never forget this.
Before he starts the movie,
he goes, "All right, class.
Who here saw 'Forrest Gump'?"
I swear to God the mentally
challenged kid just goes,
"I did, sir, and that's
my favorite movie."
And I laughed so fucking hard.
I laughed so hard,
and then I looked around.
Nobody else was laughing.
Even the mentally challenged kid
was like,
"Are you fucking serious
right now?
That's a nice dragon."
[laughter]
Been trying to smoke less weed.
If you are in this front row,
you know it's not working out
very well.
I don't want to quit;
I'm not, like, a pussy.
I just want to smoke, like,
at night.
I just would like
to not be high all the time.
It's hard, but I feel like,
you know,
I could
figure it out eventually.
It's not good--like,
when you don't smoke weed
for a little bit, like,
it's crazy.
Like, you have feelings.
You know, like,
something'll happen,
and I'll be like, "Hey,
I don't--I don't like that."
As opposed to, like, seven years
of just being like,
"It is what it is.
Swag or whatever."
I think I smoke weed
subconsciously.
Like, I don't even know
I'm doing it.
I'm serious.
Like, I think I smoke weed
so, like, if I fail,
in my head, I'll be like,
"Well, I was high,
so what did you expect?"
You know what I mean?
But if I accomplish something,
I'll be like,
"And I was fucking high!
Whoo!"
So it's like this--
I always win in my head.
This Christmas, I had
a couple weeks off.
I tried to go to rehab
for my mom,
as a Christmas gift.
But it's weird.
I tried to go to rehab
'cause I wanted
to smoke weed less.
Like, I didn't even
want to quit.
Don't tell anybody that
in rehab, by the way.
So I didn't have enough time
to think about it.
I was like, "I'll go to rehab."
So I asked my friends--
you know, people who know
about this stuff,
and I was like,
"Where should we go?
What's, like, the best place?"
They were like, "You should go
to a rehab facility in Utah."
Without even thinking,
booked the flight.
Did you know, when you book
a flight to Utah,
there is a layover in Denver?
[laughter]
And I was sitting
in the airport like,
"Is this part
of the fucking rehab?
"Like, do I--is this level one?
Do I have to get past this?"
Also, did you know that
there's rehabs everywhere?
You don't have to go to Utah.
I found that out,
'cause I got there,
and I was like, "Hi,
my name's Pete Davidson."
They're like,
"Oh, where you from?"
I was like,
"I live in Manhattan."
And they're like, "Oh, have you
heard about our facilities
in Manhattan?"
I was like, "No, I heard
about the one in Utah."
It's a weird thing,
going to rehab
when you want
to smoke weed less,
like not even quit,
because people are there
for crack and meth,
and I'm there 'cause, like,
I want to know
what food tastes like.
That's what happens, by the way,
when you stop smoking weed
for a little bit.
You'll be like, "Oh,
some food is not good."
First thing you do
when you get into a rehab is,
you check into detox.
I didn't know there was
no such thing
as detox for potheads.
So I should have known
something was up,
because I was in a line
waiting to check in,
and everybody in front of me
was shaking, and I wasn't.
And I felt uncomfortable.
I was like, "Fuck that.
I'm not gonna be
the odd man out in rehab."
So I started shaking myself.
I was like, "Oh,
kicked in later, you guys.
Fuck.
Holy shit."
I remember this guy
was just like,
"Hey, guys, I'm Joe.
"I do crack.
I died."
And then he was like,
"But they brought me back.
Ha ha!
Obviously!"
And I was like, "Ha ha.
Ha ha.
I don't know if that's funny."
And he was just like,
"This is my last shot."
Everybody was like,
"Thank you.
Thank you, Joe."
And I didn't know you thanked
them after, so I was late.
I was like, "Oh, thanks, Joe!"
And then everybody looked at me,
and I was like...
It had all these weird rules.
Very, very weird rules.
Like, they were like--
I wanted to watch "Crank 2."
The guy--there was a bunch
of people in the rehab.
I was like, "Yo,
you ever see 'Crank'?"
And the guy was like, "Oh, yeah,
it's one of my favorites."
I was like,
"You ever see 'Crank 2'?"
He was like, "No."
I was like, "How long
have you been in here?"
And I--like, in order
to watch "Crank 2,"
you have to fill out a form,
like, if you want
to watch something.
I was like, "Crank 2."
And they were like, "No,
you can't watch 'Crank 2,'"
"because there's drugs in it.
"There's sex in it.
There's violence in it.
"You know, what if someone
watches it
"and then it makes--gives them
the urge to go do that again
and it ruins their program?"
I was like, "That makes
no fucking sense."
That would never--like,
if that's the reason
why you're gonna withdraw,
like, you shouldn't be
in rehab anyway.
That's just how I feel.
Like, I doubt I'm ever gonna be
in a rehab meeting ever again
and someone's gonna be like,
"Hey, my name's Max.
"It's my second time back.
[scoffs]
'Crank 2.'"
Like...
I love smoking weed.
I'm probably never gonna stop,
to be honest with you.
[cheers and applause]
Yeah.
And I'm not doing it
for an applause.
It's just I have problems
and I need it,
and it makes me feel better.
So, like, I love smoking weed.
I love smoking weed
and driving.
It's my favorite.
- Whoo!
- Yeah.
I love being high
when I'm driving.
I'm like--I don't mind traffic.
I'm like, "Oh, company.
All right."
I'm like, "We're all in this
together, you guys."
You ever make friends
in traffic?
That's the fucking best.
Pull up to a stop,
go to the guy
next to you like...
The guy next to you is like...
I love to smoke weed.
I don't think
I would have any friends
if I didn't start smoking weed.
I wouldn't.
I wouldn't have any friends.
I've been friends with
my friends for seven years.
I don't know anything
about them,
but we get along very well.
Just been, like, seven years
of, like... [grunts]
And that's it.
"You hear that new song?"
"Yeah, it's dope."
Our whole friendship.
It's fucking amazing.
I love smoking weed
and watching movies.
It's my favorite.
You ever get so high,
you, like, watch the credits?
And you're like,
"Who directed this?
He did a good job."
I think that's what IMDB
was created for.
People would just get high,
and they're like,
"Where is this guy from?"
And then you're like,
"Oh, there he is!
He was in 'The Patriot'!"
One of my favorite movies
to watch high is "Jaws."
"Jaws" is one of
my favorite movies
because it was made in the '70s,
so when I watch it,
it looks like a movie.
Does that make sense?
It probably doesn't,
but when I watch a movie now,
I'm like,
"Oh, that could happen."
But because it's in the '70s,
I could tell--
I'll give you a couple examples.
Like, I love the way they talk
in "Jaws."
They talk very differently.
Like, there's a scene
where Richard Dreyfuss is--
wants to ask the mayor
if he can cut open the shark
to see if that little
Kintner boy's in there.
I'm glad you laughed, because
it always makes me laugh.
No, I'm serious;
it always makes me laugh.
I think it's just the visual
of, like,
what if the little boy
was actually in there?
You know, like, what if he,
like, cuts it open
and all of a sudden,
the boy's like...
[thudding]
"He was in there, Chief!"
That'd be hilarious.
I just like the way they talk
in "Jaws."
There's a scene.
Richard Dreyfuss wants to ask
the mayor
if he can cut open the shark,
and he's like, "Hey,
could I cut open the shark,
see if the little Kintner boy's
in there?"
And the mayor goes,
"I'll be damned
"if you cut open that shark
"and I see
that little Kintner boy
spill out all over the dock,"
and I'm like,
"That's fucking sick."
Nobody talks like that anymore.
If that scene was made today,
that whole scene would be like,
"Hey, can I cut open the shark?"
He'd be like, "Nah,
fucking do it later.
Don't want to get the dock dirty
and shit."
Also, I was watching "Jaws,"
I found out a scene that doesn't
actually belong in there.
It's not proven.
I just watched it,
and I was like--I felt...
Here's the scene.
So Richard Dreyfuss finally
is cutting open the shark.
And this fat guy
comes out of nowhere,
and he's just like, "Hey!
"Hey!
What type of shark is that?"
And Richard Dreyfuss goes,
"Uh, it's a tiger shark."
And then the fat guy goes,
"A what?"
That scene shouldn't be
in the fucking movie.
It makes no sense.
I was like, "What is that,
Spielberg's uncle?
What is that?"
It's probably his uncle.
He's like, "Stevie, are you
gonna put me in your movie?"
And he's like, "Yeah.
Can you say, 'A what?'"
He's like, "Can I fucking say
'A what?' Come on."
Another movie I watched high,
I actually really like.
I watched "The Vow" recently.
I love "The Vow."
If you don't know
what "The Vow" is,
it's Channing Tatum
and Rachel McAdams,
and they're married.
And in the first scene,
they get in a car accident,
and luckily she goes
through the windshield, and--
Oh, yeah, it's my favorite part.
And it's in slow motion,
so you get to enjoy it.
No, fuck that.
It's always the guy
going through the windshield,
and I was like,
"Oh, it's the girl."
I was like, "All right."
All right, Nicholas Sparks.
I see you.
I'm invested.
She goes through
the windshield.
She ends up losing her memory.
She doesn't remember
that she's married.
The movie should have been over
right there.
That's it.
Should have been a short film
about some bitch who should have
wore a seat belt.
That's all that needed to be.
Instead of that,
the rest of this movie,
this poor guy is trying
to make his wife
fall back in love with him,
'cause she don't remember him.
That would never happen.
I mean, maybe it would, but I--
I try to put myself, like,
in that situation
whenever I watch a movie,
and I wouldn't be able to do it,
if I'm being completely honest.
Like, if I get married to you
and you become a vegetable,
like, you're a vegetable now,
and I'm on the run,
'cause I'm not a vegetable.
If that was me, honestly,
and I walked
into my wife's room--
and I walk into a hospital,
I go to my wife's room,
and was like, "Oh!
Oh, my God, honey.
Are you okay?"
And she's like, "Who are you?"
I'd be like, "Oh, wrong room.
My bad.
Sorry to bother you, ma'am."
I would call up my friends,
be like, "Yo!
"Guess who don't remember?
I tried.
I said hello."
I've been thinking about
what I want to do with my life.
Trying to figure it out.
First thing is to find
a pair of pants that fit.
Like, I have a belt on,
and they still don't fit.
That's ridiculous.
No, I started wearing
skinny jeans,
'cause I heard it ruined
your come,
and I was like, "Sick.
Bring 'em on."
Yeah.
I'm a big supporter
of skinny jeans.
They ruin your balls.
It's a great brand.
That should be the commercial.
It should be, like, two people
fucking, coming inside,
and then him just
putting on skinny jeans.
"No bag?
No problem.
I was wearing skinnies."
I figured out
what I wanted to do.
I want to do commercials.
I want to be a spokesperson.
I don't want to do movies.
I don't want to do stand-up
anymore.
I really just want to be, like,
a commercial guy,
like an AT&T guy.
They're like, "Hey,
you need a fucking phone?"
Like, I'll be that guy forever.
No problem.
"Hey, you need a fucking phone?"
But I was talking to my friends.
Some people hate spokespeople.
Some people do not like
spokespeople at all.
You know, like whenever
I'm watching TV
and my friend's over
to my house
and I'm watching TV
and Flo, the Progressive lady,
comes on,
immediately the person I'm with
is like,
"Oh, this fucking bitch."
And I'm like, "What? Why?"
I mean, I agree,
but, like, why?
Why do we hate her so much?
My friend was like,
"Is that what you want to be?
You want to be Flo?"
I was like, "I'm sure
she has friends.
"Like, I'm sure.
I'm sure she's not alone
on the weekends."
And I was like, "Look at Jared."
I'm like, "He's the worst one
out of all of them."
No, some people don't know
what happened with Jared,
and I love to tell them.
Literally my favorite thing
in the world,
when I go, "Did you hear
about Jared?"
And they go, "No."
I'm like, "Well, I hope
you have a half hour."
If you don't know
what happened with Jared,
basically he fucked
a bunch of kids.
[people groan]
Once you fuck a kid,
it's over for you.
There's no coming back
from fucking a kid.
Get that in your head now.
I'm serious.
Once you fuck a kid,
it is over.
So it's very hard for Jared
to ever come back.
He will never come back.
And there's only one way
the place that he was repping
can come back,
and I figured out how--
is if I am the new spokesperson
and I play one of the kids
that Jared fucked.
[laughter]
[applause]
And I'm like, "Hey, guys,
I'm Timmy."
I don't know;
I feel like Timmy would be
a kid that would get fucked.
Like, if I was a pedophile
at a playground
and I was like,
"What's your name?"
and he was like, "Timmy,"
I'd be like,
"Oh, I'm gonna fucking fuck
the shit out of him."
"What about me?"
"Shut up, Connor.
Nobody wants to fuck you."
Fucking Connor,
always trying to get raped.
No, I would be like,
"Hey, guys.
"You know, my name's Timmy.
"I'm one of the kids
that Jared molested.
"It's a very unfortunate
situation,
"but the sandwiches
are still great.
"He didn't fuck the sandwiches.
"You can still eat the sandwich.
"He fucked my little boy
booty hole
but not the sandwich."
[groans and laughter]
I'm a hypochondriac.
I am.
I'm a psycho.
I'm very crazy.
I know I'm crazy,
so, like, it's kind of okay.
But it's really not.
[laughter]
You know?
Like, I wake up every day,
and I'm like,
"I have not been arrested yet."
And I'm like, "Good job."
I'm a hypochondriac.
I always worry about my dick.
I don't know about anybody else,
but I'm always worried
about my dick.
How are you? Do you always worry
about your dick, dude?
- It's good.
- It's good?
Oh, well, aren't you
the fucking most confident man
in the world?
Oh, fucking Mr. Dos Equis
over there.
"Hey, you ever worry
about your dick?"
"No, I'm fine, man."
"Oh, fuck you, dude.
That was--"
"Actually, never in my life.
My dick is perfect."
I always worry about my dick.
I always freak out
for no reason.
Like...
here's how I thought
that you could get something.
Like, I'm sure every guy
can relate to this.
This ruins my day
whenever it happens.
Whenever I have to take a shit
in a public place
and my dick touches
the toilet seat,
it ruins my day immediately.
I'm like, "Oh, my God,
I just got everything
in this place."
My dick starts, like,
coiling back,
'cause, like,
it knows what it did.
And so I'm like, "No, fuck you."
I actually told
my doctor that once.
I was like,
"Before you take a look,
I think I know what it is."
I'm like, "You ever take
a shit in a McDonald's
"and your dick touches
the toilet seat?
I think that's where
I got this from."
And he's like,
"That's not possible."
And I was like,
"Well, you're the doctor,
I'm just trying to help."
I like going to free clinics,
'cause they know what's up.
You know, nobody goes
to a free clinic for chemo.
Everybody goes to a free clinic
'cause they had fun yesterday.
I like to go to this free clinic
in Brooklyn
'cause it's very well run.
That's right; you could Yelp
other things besides food.
And I went in,
and it's very well run.
The first thing--they don't
waste any of your time.
It's great.
The first thing they do,
they prick your finger
to test you for AIDS,
they give you a number,
and then you sit
with everybody else.
And then while you wait
to see the doctor,
they'll call your number,
tell you your AIDS result.
[person groans]
Yeah.
It's like bingo.
It's sick.
It's fucking best establishment
in Brooklyn.
Maybe I'm not painting
a good picture enough.
A nurse will literally come out
to the waiting room
and be like, "33! No!"
And 33's like...
[applause]
34's in the corner like, "Fuck!
"It's been seven 'no's in a row!
Due for a yes."
I've never seen a "yes"
yelled out.
I've never seen
a "yes" yelled out.
Like, I've never been there
and a lady's been like,
"Uh, 34?
Yeah, you have AIDS."
Like, that's never happened.
I don't know what they would do.
What do you think
they would do?
I'm sure they would just, like,
take you into a room
and throw you
a Magic Johnson jersey
and be like,
"Welcome to the team, bro."
Come on. Be positive.
Don't be negative.
I gotta tell you
a funny story
about Heavy, my boy Heavy.
So I'm--I'm a--
I hate everybody,
but I won't let you know it.
Like, I'll be really pissed
or not having a good time.
You'll never be able to tell.
Heavy, exact opposite.
Something's wrong,
you know about it immediately.
It's why I love
bringing him places, right?
So me and him, we go
to the Justin Bieber concert.
We get very fucked up.
We're like, "Let's go see
the Biebs."
No, he puts on a great show.
He really does.
He puts on a sick show.
You should go see him.
Don't fucking clap;
this is my time.
But seriously,
you should go see him.
He does put on a great show,
okay?
Now enough ball washing
for him, all right.
So me and him,
we're really fucked up.
We're very late.
We're, like, an hour late
to the concert.
And we have front row.
We have, like,
seats over here, okay?
We're late.
We get there.
There are these two
little girls.
They could--
eight years old, tops.
In our seats,
having the fucking
time of their lives.
Like, you couldn't tell
these girls nothing.
Like, they were having just
the sweetest, best time ever.
So I go to Heavy,
and I'm like, "Listen.
"You're 30.
I'm 22."
I'm like, "Let's give
these kids their seats,
"let them have a nice fun time,
and we'll just hang
in the back."
And Heavy goes, "Uh,
abso-fucking-lutely not."
And I swear to God he goes up
to these two little kids
and he goes, "Um, excuse me,
little princesses.
Uh, are these your seats?"
And they go, "No, mister."
And he goes,
"Uh, then get the fuck out.
One time."
And then, like,
without skipping a beat,
he's like,
"This is gonna be sick.
We're gonna have
some fucking fun."
I've been--I watch
a lot of porn.
Like, I could post
a Throwback Thursday photo
of me jerking off.
And, um...
Like, I do.
I watch a lot of porn.
And I noticed something.
I don't know if you're
an avid porn user,
but online,
there's no new porn
unless you pay for it.
So I've been watching
some of the classics.
No problem.
I can watch some classics.
Yeah.
But I noticed something
that I don't like in porn.
Because I've been the same porns
over and over,
I'm noticing new things,
you know?
Like, this is something
I really don't like.
I don't like
when male porn stars moan.
Yeah, what the fuck's up
with that?
It's like,
"You're a professional.
Act like you been there before."
Yeah.
And you know,
as a male porn star,
like, guys are jerking off
to this,
so why would you moan so loud?
You know
how distracting that is?
Have some fucking respect
for your fans, seriously.
I was watching this porn
the other day,
and the guy was like,
"Oh, yeah!
"Fuck!
Fuck, yeah!"
And I was like,
"What a fucking weirdo."
I'm like, "Will you
shut the fuck up
so I could fucking come, please,
you fucking weirdo?"
I don't make any noise
when I have sex.
Zero.
I'm jammin'.
Nothing. "Please" and "thank
you" the whole way through.
I don't even make noise
when I come.
When I come,
I'm just kind of like...
Yeah, like I just had
an epiphany or something.
Like, "Oh, my keys.
They're in my jeans."
Like, that's how I come.
"Don't forget
to turn the oven off."
That's how I literally come.
If I'm drunk, I'll yell out
one thing when I come.
I'll tell you what it is.
Okay?
There's this one thing
I yell out
when I'm drunk when I come.
This is the one thing.
Okay, I don't know
if any of you
are familiar with the film
"101 Dalmatians."
There is a scene
in "101 Dalmatians"
when Jeff Daniels' puppy
gives birth, okay?
And this lady taking care
of the puppies,
she's like, "There's 14 puppies.
"One of them died.
There were supposed to be 15,
but there's 14."
And Jeff Daniels,
being the goddamn genius
of an actor that he is,
out of the corner of his eye
notices the 15th puppy,
that they thought was dead,
is starting to wiggle,
so it's alive.
And he looks at the lady,
and he goes, "No.
"Not 14.
"15!
15 puppies!"
So I yell that when I come now,
which is a huge step up
from "sorry."
[cheers and applause]
Anybody here ever do 'shrooms?
[people cheer]
Like, I'm afraid to do drugs,
'cause I love them.
Like, whenever I'm about
to do a drug,
I need to do it with a friend.
That way, if I die,
he dies too.
For some reason,
that would be so much better
for my mom to find out.
Like, if two of us died,
it's not as bad as just me.
Does that make sense?
No, I'm serious,
'cause if I just died,
my mom's like,
"What a fucking drug addict."
But if it's me
and another friend,
and it'd be like,
"That bad influence, Ryan.
I always said
he was no good for my son."
I picked my friend Ryan
to do 'shrooms with me.
My friend Ryan,
some of you might know.
Some of you might not.
He's this 6'5", 250-pound
black dude
from Flatbush, Brooklyn.
Okay, he's been to jail
a bunch of times
for real shit, not for, like,
hoping a turnstile.
For, like, murder, okay?
He didn't do it, and...
Yeah.
He's nice to me.
So I--before I do a drug,
I usually Google
the best and worst thing
that could happen.
Probably not a good idea,
but, again,
I'm not a smart person.
Let me tell you
how not smart I am, okay?
This is how not smart
of a person I am.
I thought Chicago was a state
until a week ago--
Not done.
Only reason why I found out
Chicago is not a state
is 'cause I was in Chicago,
doing a show,
came out, and said, "Wonderful
to be in the state of Chicago."
Nobody said anything.
Nobody said anything
till the end of the show.
So I did a whole show with
"state of Chicago" confidence.
That's how fucking stupid I am.
So I looked up--
I was like,
"What's the best thing
that could happen to you
on 'shrooms?"
Best review I saw was,
"I did 'shrooms,
"I saw the world,
and I feel like
I'm a better person now."
And I was like, "Hey,
that's a great review."
200 likes.
Nice.
Reliable.
Worst review of 'shrooms:
"Don't do 'em.
Jumped out of my window."
500 likes.
I was like, "Fuck.
I have two windows.
So there's doubly the chance."
So I got Ryan in my apartment,
and I got a guy,
a man, to come over
to install child locks
on my windows.
And he got to my house,
and he was putting in
the child locks,
and he was like, "Oh, my God,
this is so sweet.
When's the baby due?"
And I was like,
"There's no baby.
Me and him are doing 'shrooms."
So we do 'shrooms,
and then nothing happens
for about an hour.
And you know when people
do drugs or drink
and they just brag about
how not fucked up they are
and it's the most annoying thing
eve--
To me, it really bothers me
whenever someone's like,
"Drank 14 beers.
I don't feel shit."
And it's like, "Oh,
maybe you're autistic, then,
"because you should be
fucked up completely,
to be honest with you."
So we were getting a little mad
that it wasn't working,
so we turn on this movie
with Al Pacino
and Christopher Walken.
It's a new movie, so just know
they already look scary.
I'm on my phone for, like,
20 minutes, just scrolling.
And you know how when you scroll
and it--the little loading bar
comes up
so the next page can come up?
There was no loading bar.
There was just pages coming up.
So I was just like, "Oh, wow,
my wi-fi is sick."
Like, I was very into my wi-fi.
I was like, "Netgear 32
killing it right now."
Fucking flying through
everything,
no loady bar.
I was very excited.
Ryan goes, "Yo.
Is Al Pacino orange?"
And I'm scrolling,
and I looked up,
and he was,
but it didn't bother me.
I went back on my phone.
I was like, "Yeah, he is."
Really bothered Ryan,
'cause now Ryan was hiding
under a Snuggie, shaking.
And he said, "Yo, bro,
call me when this is over."
[laughter]
So I was freaking out.
I was like, "Already
the safest guy
"that I picked
to do 'shrooms with
"is already hiding
under my Snuggie.
I'm fucked."
And I'm sort of panicking
and freaking out.
I can't do this alone, you know?
I can't do anything alone.
So I told Ryan, I was like,
"Listen.
"I'm going to go downstairs,
tell the doorman
we're very high on 'shrooms
in case anything happens,"
to which Ryan goes, "Why
the fuck would you do that?"
And I said, "So he knows."
It makes no sense,
but at the time,
it made so much sense to me.
He's like,
"Why would you do that?"
Like, "Why the fuck
would you do that?"
"So he knows."
Guy with the questions.
So then I got in the elevator.
It went down one floor,
and it stopped.
The alarm went off.
And I was freaking out.
I was like, "Fuck.
I'm fucked.
I-I need to get out of here."
So I started punching
the elevator,
trying to open it.
I was freaking out.
I was staring at my fist.
I was like, "If it ever
would happen,
"it would happen now.
"Wolverine!
Come on, one time.
Wolverine one time."
It didn't happen, obviously.
I wouldn't be here right now.
I got downstairs.
Okay, elevator doors opened.
I was too afraid to get out,
'cause I was afraid
it wouldn't go back up.
Makes no sense, but at the time,
huge fucking problem.
I was like, "What if
it don't go back up?"
So I just stuck my head out
to the doorman,
and I was like, "Hey, it's Pete,
third floor.
"If anything happens,
me and my friend Ryan,
we're really high on 'shrooms."
And he looked at it like this,
and then the door
just fucking closed
in his face.
[applause]
I got back upstairs
into my apartment.
Two windows open, no Ryan.
[crowd exclaims]
To which I said,
"I fucking knew it.
"I knew this would happen.
500 people liked it."
And then Ryan goes, "Yo,
my bad about the windows.
I'm in the bathroom."
I was like, "All right.
Okay."
Now, normally, I don't care
when my friends
are in the bathroom
for over an hour.
And I don't ask
what's going on in there.
But we were both on 'shrooms,
and it was over an hour.
So I was like, "Hey, Ryan,
what the fuck's going on
in there?"
And he was like, "Bro,
you got to get in here."
Ryan's been to jail.
So I was like,
"Is this Jail Ryan,
or is this my friend Ryan
that we all know and love?"
I get in there.
This is a true--
This is exactly what's going on.
He's naked,
in his boxers, flexing,
having the fucking time
of his life,
just flexing.
He's like, "Ugh, yeah.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Yeah."
I'm like, "What's up, bro?
Like, what's going on?"
And he's like, "I'm the Hulk."
And I didn't know
what he was talking about.
I was like, "What do you mean,
you're the Hulk?"
He goes, "Don't you see?
I'm green.
I'm the very first
black Hulk."
And he kept flexing,
and I was like,
"I don't--I don't get it."
And he was like,
"Look in the mirror."
This is the only time
that I tripped.
I looked at Ryan like this,
looked at him into the mirror.
He turned green into the mirror,
and I was like,
"Oh, my God, you are the Hulk.
Congratulations.
This is sick."
So then I got a little cocky,
and I was like, "Perhaps
I'm also the Hulk."
And I took my shirt off,
and I just looked very sick.
I was like, "I need
to get out of here immediately."
Ryan gets on the couch.
We're watching--we're about
to watch the rest of this movie.
The second we hit "play,"
it's a scene
where Al Pacino comes out
from behind a corner
and goes, "Hello!"
And we were like, "Fuck that.
That's the scariest thing
I've ever seen in my life."
So we shut it off.
It was horrifying
seeing this 75-year-old
orange person go, "Hello."
It was fucking terrifying.
So now me and Ryan
are both high on 'shrooms,
shirtless under our Snuggies,
just shaking,
holding each other.
And then my mom texts me, okay?
My mom sends the worst possible
text she could send
when someone's
violently high on 'shrooms.
She sends me, "Pete,
just want to let you know
"I'm so proud of you.
"I love everything you're doing.
You make such smart decisions,
and Dad would be very proud."
And then I just started crying.
I was like, "Aw, man!
"My mom's all proud.
"I'm on 'shrooms.
I wasn't even the Hulk."
Like, it was just this whole
fucked-up bad day.
And then Ryan goes,
"Shut the fuck up."
And you know when you're crying
and your friend don't care,
it makes you cry more?
When you're like, "Uhhh,"
and you're friend's like, "Uh,"
and you're like, "Uh?"
Like....
[laughter]
"Uh?
Please care."
So it made me cry more.
I was like, "What do you mean?
Like, what--who does that?"
And he was like, "Bro,
seriously, shut the fuck up.
I'm gonna punch you
in the face."
I was like, "Well, why can't you
just be my friend?
Why can't you just be there
for me?"
And he was like,
"'Cause I miss my mom too!"
And then he started crying,
and then we both held each other
and cried under my Snuggie.
And then the 'shroom trip
was over,
and then Ryan did
the funniest thing
I've ever seen anybody do.
He took the Snuggie off,
and he dabbed his eyes with it.
And then he looked at me,
and he went,
"Oh!
"Yo, Pete, 'shrooms?
Incredible."
[laughter]
[applause]
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
So we'll do some 911 jokes,
and then we'll get the fuck
out of here.
How's that sound?
[laughs]
It's hard to transition
into anything.
I don't have--I don't know
if you've noticed anything
about my comedy, but there's--
there's not many transitions.
It's very, like,
"Dick, fuck, Dad."
Like, it's, like,
very straightforward,
easy-listening comedy.
Like, it's not
the Kendrick Lamar--
I'm very French Montana
of comedy.
Like, every show, I feel like
I should just be like, "Huh!"
And you'll be like, "Aha!
I get it."
So, yeah, my dad,
if you don't know,
he was a fireman.
He died 9/11.
He was a very good dude.
And I have a lot
of jokes about it,
and if you don't like
the first one,
you probably
won't like the rest.
What's cool about your dad dying
on 9/11...
[someone laughs]
Is--besides the free parking,
is also--
[someone groans]
0 for 1, skirball.
[scattered applause]
That's not the only good thing
about your dad dying; come on.
No, the cool thing about my dad
dying and being a fireman
was, like, now I get
all of his fireman gear.
So whenever I smoke weed
in New York City,
I wear it.
Yeah, so now people just think
I'm a shitty fireman.
But I'll be so high,
I'll forget.
Like, people will come up
to me and be like,
"You're a fucking disgrace!"
And I'll be like,
"You're a fucking disgrace!"
I'll be like, "Oh, shit,
I'm a lieutenant.
"I forgot.
I'm very sorry.
Have a good day, ma'am!"
I didn't really care
when my dad died.
It didn't bother me very much,
because I was seven.
You don't understand things
when you're seven, you know?
If it happened now,
I'd be in a world of trouble,
but I'm actually--
it's weird to say this--
I'm lucky it happened
when I was seven.
I know that sounds weird,
but it's the real thing.
Like, I remember my dad died,
and my mom was like,
"Your dad's dead, but
we got you a PlayStation 2."
And I was like, "Yeah, cool."
I was like, "That seems
about even.
It's pretty fair."
No, I'm serious.
I really didn't care.
I was like, "I'm gonna
push my mom down the stairs
and get a PS3."
I was fucking ridiculous.
It's my new life
of murder and toys.
What's weird is, my grandma
on my mom's side, my mom's mom,
she's--her birthday's on 9/11,
and she never liked my dad.
crowd: Oh!
- Kind of fishy, isn't it?
[laughter]
I always wanted to ask her.
I always wanted to be like,
"Hey, Grandma,
"on the low,
did you make any wishes?"
No, every year, my grandma's
birthday comes around,
and she's like,
"I'm not gonna celebrate it."
And I'm always like, "Why?
Did something happen?"
I want to get a tattoo.
I want to get my dad's initials.
It's a very, like, Italian,
Staten Island thing to do.
I feel like Italian people
are almost, like, waiting
for someone in their family
to die
so they can go get a tattoo.
I'm serious--
You ever been to, like,
an Italian funeral or wake
and the son
of whoever died
has, like, the prayer card
going down their side?
You know, like, how the fuck
did you do that already?
And it's, like, healed.
I, um--
I want to get my dad's initials,
you know.
I want to get it tattooed on me.
I feel like
it would be very cool.
But I found out recently
I can't.
I don't know why
I never noticed it.
I guess I just never
paid attention,
but my dad's initials
are SMD.
Yeah.
That's why we named
the special "SMD,"
but SMD
also has other meanings,
like, for instance,
"suck my dick."
That's the more popular meaning,
believe it or not.
So my friends are like,
"You can't get that tattoo,
because people will think
you're an asshole."
You know?
And I agree.
I'm like, "You're right.
I shouldn't."
But then I thought about it.
I was like, "I should."
I was like, "I could only win."
I was like, "If someone has
the balls to bring it up to me,
oh, I would win, like,
so fast."
Like, I will never lose.
It's so dope.
Think about that.
I'll have it on my neck.
Fucking having a good time.
Girls come up to me,
and they're like,
"You're a fucking pig."
All I got to do is be like:
[whimpers]
"Actually,
it's my dead dad's initials."
And then they'll feel so bad,
they'll probably
suck my dick.
Hey, guys, you've been amazing.
Thank you.
Thank you for coming out.
Thank you very much.
[cheers and applause]
- All day, all day
Every day, every day
We was on that block
until...
- Yeah!
[cheers and applause continue]
- Pete Davidson, guys.
All right, yeah.